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See Current contributions.
See Sep 99 contributions.
See Aug 99 contributions.
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Sun Oct 31 17:33:32 1999
F19 in Alexandria, VA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: College freshman
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 11 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: lymphoma; Aged: 70.
--Details:
Mama kept her at home until she died. Previously, Granny lived
in the basement, but now her hospital bed was in the dining room.
I saw it every day when I came home from school. She was no more
than a skeleton.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
It is when our bodie, via age, illness, or accident, cease to
operate. Since our personalities are housed within our bodies,
they cease to exist as well.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was horrified because when I came home, they had already taken
her to the funeral home.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandmother died of lymphoma when I was 8
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
When my grandfather died earlier this year, I was deeply troubled
because I did not know him well. Mama did not speak to him,
and I wept for the pain he caused Mama, Granny, and my uncle
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
We must be realitic about death. We must confront it. We cannot
hide the dying away in nursing homes. Small children must always
be included in funerals and memorial services.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That their suffering finally ended
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
contemplation, rest, my father
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
It was early and sudden. I did not get to say goodbye. No one
ever born was truly as kind as he, and no one ever loved me as
much as my dog. He was in pain and I did not help him. I was
scared and ran away.
--[My dog's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
That I must help people when they need it, be careful, and cherish
the ones that love me the most.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When I could not bear to look at the body, or did not have a chance
to see it. I felt as though I'd been cheated of that finality
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Been there with Granny when she died
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
plant a flower bush on my dog's grave. I wanted his spirit to flow
into the blossoms and live on
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
When I thought of something I must tell my grandmother, momentarily
forgetting she had died
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about getting a pet
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would miss my dear dog here at college
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that Mama made him stay outside
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Have him here to lick my face
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wailed and spewed mucus and tears everywhere
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they were adequate
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
useless
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
comfort
--Religious Affiliation:
Epicopal
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right and true
--Regarding MONEY:
After my grandfather' death, his wife produced a fake will that
cut out Mama and my uncle. My uncle sued, and the case drags on.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I felt they should not be there, because I was embarassed to cry
so in front of non-family.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I feel my grandmother visits our house every now and then.
Someone leaves towels on the sink, and I think it's her, saying
she's around.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My therapist
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would apologize to Granny, and hope that her afterlife was better
than her earthly one. I'd ak her if she was w/ my grandfather,
had he forgiven him, did he still love him
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Mama occasionally dreams of Granny
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Don't prolong the lives of brain-dead people
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My own death does not frighten me as much a the death of my brother
or sister. I hope I die after my parents to spare them grief,
and after my (future) children are no longer dependant.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Accepting the reality and omnipresence of death
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
I felt that I had been an unloving, demanding granddaughter
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It reminded me of grief still present
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Sun Oct 31 15:47:11 1999
M57 in TWO RIVERS, WI =USA=
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
sent via email froom friend
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, yrs28 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 62.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the final step before we meet our FATHER IN HEAVEN
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
WAS 7 YEARS OLD AND DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS GOING ON
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...father died suddenly of heart attack
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
IT WAS QUICK WITH NOT A LOT OF PAIN
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
MY FRIENDS AND CO WORKERS
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
THE REASON WHY THEY HAD TO DIE AT A YOUNG AGE
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
KNOW MY PARENTS MORE
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
SPEND SOMETIME HELPING THEM WHILE THEY WERE ALIVE
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
TOTAL STRANGERS CAME TO VIEW THE BODY AND ATTENED THE SERVICE
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I REVIEW MY LIFE
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I WAS CHEATED BY GOD TAKING MY PARENTS WHEN THEY WERE SO YOUNG
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
CRIED
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
JOY
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
VERY COMFORTING
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
PEOPLE SHOWED THAT THEYTRUELY CARED
--Religious Affiliation:
CATHOLIC
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
IT WAS TOO FINAL
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I WAS THERE TWICE
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
MAKE IT QUICK
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
PRAYER
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
religios befliefs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
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Sat Oct 30 11:06:38 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandFather, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 93.
--Details:
This man was so wise and full of knowledge. He was very involved
in the Freemasons. His knowledge of death and dying amazed me.
He told me minutes before he passed that in his life, he had studied,
played and worked. His work was no over and that it was time to
rest in the great lodge in the sky.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The ceasing of life. The body stops and rots.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My great-grandmother died, I was three and
could not understand why she would not get out of the casket. I
thought that she was asleep. I could not understand the concept
of death/dying.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My crying because that's when I reasized that I would bethere
someday.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My best friend killing himself in front of me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Go out in style. Don't be hurting, do everything to ease you pain.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
closed it out of my mind
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the funeral ended, I was left with the feeling, Now what?
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Sat Oct 30 09:19:32 1999
M29 in wilmington, nc =usa=
Name: peterson
Email: <petersonbodhi>
Web: http://WWWpetersonbodhi-at-yahoo.com
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: us army infantry
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More personal info:
study buddhism
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 6yrs ago.
Cause of Death: plane crash; Aged: 21.
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--Death Is:
is the leaving of this existence as we know it. we dont know what or
where we go. what pain if any we feel or senses we may encounter. it
is unknowing and as humans we(they) are afraid of the unknown. some
say our souls go to a good place some say our souls go to a bad
place depending on our actions in this life time. no noe knows and
we pray like crazy to go to the good place. death when youre dying
can be lonely but you really dont care because there is no returning.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
prayed for them to venture to god.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my friend died in a plane crash. we went
to school together, he was a pilot.took some friends up to shot
some pictures and had to much weight in plane and it touched and
go a couple of times and then nose dived into the marsh off our
coast in n. carolina. never had i expirenced a friend dying like
that. his friends and family were shocked and saddened by this
sudden occurance. the crash broke his jaw, alot of bones and killed
him. at the funeral his face was swollen and his body was cold and
stiff. timis now an angel helping more people everyday. god bless.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
is that person
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
its okay. we come the dust and we will return to the dust. energy
surrounds us good and bad and we can control it all.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the strong believe in myself and god. having a belief in something
seems to make death/dying okay and natural.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my individual belief about death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that id never see them again in a solid form even though i know
they are with god.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
cope. death is natural and rewarding if your soul is pure.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
not secure about my beliefs.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell them that i loved them one last time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
coped.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Sat Oct 30 07:21:38 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Surfing the net, saw this site using yahoo search engine
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a stoke; Aged: 75.
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--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not fully understand
--That first time, how it happened was
a close relative died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
shock
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
avoid superstition, and face up to the fact that we will all
experience it, fear is therefore useless
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
belief in life after death
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the burial and having to let go
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
my emotions were confused and laughing was at that time the best
way to release them
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye, communicate properly
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people accept the fact that they are going to die, and are resigned
to it, and calm
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I never really knew some of my relatives, or took the time to
really get to know them before they died
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Fri Oct 29 11:27:13 1999
M59 in Port Charlotte, Florida =USA=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
Yahoo Search Engine
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Prof/Studies: Government MS degree Spvision
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Heart Attack; Aged: 80.
--Details:
This was not expected He was my Father In Law and although he was
80 years old he was robust and very active.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Final.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was frightened.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was a fellow student in 3rd grade who died
from Polio.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
a terrible sense of loss.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
or can not be avoided.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Nothing.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My faith in God.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The pain it caused my 11 year old son.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a solace. A way to explain hope to those of us left behind.
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist Church Active Member Work with youth
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
It appeared to me that when my Mother in Law was dying she seemed
to smile, and her tongue moved slightly like she was talking to
someone we could not hear or see.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My Father In Law shared with my wife that he had had several bad
nights before he was hospitilized with severe chest pain. On one
occiassion he said he saw a bright light and people that he knew
that had died were in that light. He couldn't remember who they
were when he "recovered" from the pain.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have thought about my own mortality but do not dwell on this
aspect. I have too many things to do to go now.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
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Thu Oct 28 21:00:46 1999
F20 in e. greenville, pa =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: student, history major (junior year)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 18.
--Details:
he was at the local diner. when he left to go home, he took a
short-cut across the reservoir bridge instead of driving through
town. while going over the bridge, he went into diabetic shock
and drove off the bridge. his cause of death was drowning
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
hard for humans to understand. we'd like to think it's a passage
point, whether it's to a new life, or to a perfect place where
there's no pain, suffering, saddness, just peace and complete
happiness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
completely lost it. i've had distant relatives die, but it had a
different affect then when my firend died. i kept asking why him.
he was too young to go.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my best friend in high school died in a car
accident after falling into a diabetic shock while driving
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
i was very bitter for a while. seeing as it was my freshman year
in college, and we went to the same school, my grades plummeted. i
just didn't care. i wouldn't talk to my parents or my boyfriend.
i spent a lot of time alone.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is only a passage, not an ending. at one point in time,
we'll see our loved ones again.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
after my friend died, i went to his house to see his parents.
they gave me some pictures of us throughout the years and thanked
me for being such a true friend to him.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i'm sad to admit, but i would wander out into the woods, alone and
smoke a lot of pot. that was the only time i thought i was at peace
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing him in the casket wearing his high school baseball uniform.
his hair, which was perfect little corkscrew curls, turned into a
big fuzzy mess from them trying to get the blood out. it did no
look like him
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell them how much they meant to you. not having the chance to
say goodbye will eat at you for a long time. tell them that their
friendship will always be cherished
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
move on. for a long time, i couldn't hear a bob marley song without
becoming hysterical. now, when i hear a marley song, i just think of
my bud and how he's partying with bob right now. that makes me happy
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the day i found out. my brother told me and i thought he was lying.
then i kind of blew it off until the day of the funeral. then,
it hit me and i became overwhelmed
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that was a release. i've always been uncomfortable during serious
moments. after everyone left the funeral home, there were 5 of
us sitting around, telling stories of all of the stupid things
that we did with him. that was the beginning steps of moving on,
because i knew that he was laughin right along with us
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have called him when i said i would. it was thanksgiving break and
i was supposed to call him that friday so we could go to a party
together. i decided to make other plans, and never called him.
he was dead 24 hrs later
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have my boyfriend stand by me. we had just started to date 3
weeks before this happend. he was so supportive and understanding
because he had lost a good friend in an accident 8 months before,
so he kind of knew what to expect. he gave me space when i wanted it
and was by my side when i needed him most. i'm thankful to say that
he's still with me and that we'll be married in a year and a half
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
when i saw the picture plaque at the funeral home and saw a picture
of him and i from 7th grade
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when i hear the lyric from bob marley "don't worry, 'bout a thing,
cause every little thing is going to be alright. . ."
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i could be watching him play professional baseball. he was being
scouted by the phillies when he died
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was the absolute nicest person i had ever met
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hit someone until they felt as bad as i do
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
withdrew myself from others i cared about, too scared that it would
happen again
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
there would've been nothing they could do, they didn't find his
body until 10 hrs after the accident
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. i am a very spiritual person, but i don't need church to
help me out with that
--Religious Affiliation:
agnostic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
something that is bigger than words
--Regarding MONEY:
how his parents couldn't afford a headstone
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there were people there just because they knew his name and not
his person. it turned into more of a social gathering, which
offended his closer friends
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing it on the news and in the newspaper.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i know that he's always around, if not in spirit, in my heart
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
a lot. because death is enevitable, i just think that it's not the
end and that my spirit, the most important part of me, is stronger
than death
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
learning to appreciate my life and understanding that death has no
age limits. i realize that i'm not invinsible and that i could go
at any time
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
aroud this time i got heavily involved with the tarot
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
not seeing him class
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Thu Oct 28 18:55:42 1999
F in Fleetwood, pa =USA=
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Found us by: [ Read About it: ]
etour
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
on death and dieing, a physians view on death( a book on tape not
sure of the title)
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
K. Ross.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 16 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: sucide; Aged: 19.
--Details:
at a college party a group was lead in to a conversation about the
best way to commit sucide, the next weekend the person who lead
the conversation, killed themseves in the manner that the group
had figued out was best. Thank god I wasnt drunk, i Knew to stay
out of the conversation.
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--Death Is:
a change where our orgnic form ends
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not think it was that abnormal and freak out like those
around me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...relitive passed away i played gingerbread man
in the back of the funeral polar during the ceramony with the widow,
he had been sick a long time and she was prepared and at peace with
his death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everybody seeming more depressed then the one who did it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that like snow in the winter death happens. It is to be expected
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i dont get this question
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
12 step friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
watching people who cannt accept the death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
great grandma
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
cristianity and talk of the end times. and being with frinds the
day before their sucide
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Tue Oct 26 15:36:47 1999
F14 in Elida, Ohio =U.S.A.=
Name: Ashley Hawkins
Email: <a_hawkins14-at-hotmail.com>
Web: http://expage.com/page/hawkins14
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looking at death tests
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 13 ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 26.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
It is scary no one knows what happens no one knows if it hurts
nothing. It is a scary thing
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
balled and balled. It took me forever to get over it. I hate death
I wish it never happened.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I was nine months old when my father was
killed in a car accident. It was 1985 and on the Night of August
28th I got in a horrible car accident and I was balling I am so
scared. I thought I was going to die because my dad did and I
tohught I was going to too. I was so scared.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
depression. sadness. hurtness. anger.
--What I think my (U.S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
More about how you go when it is your time. Use a monitor to see
how someone dies when they are dying so you can see what it is like.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I hope I can see my daddy when I go. I want to see him so so bad.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My mom told me everything. All of my friends and family are there
for me when I need them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
hurting anger sadness
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
grateful to them. Loving for them. Happy when they go away.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
feel. how bad it hurts inside try not to think much about it. It
just hurts worse inside when you think about it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't really understand until I was older and more capable to
know we have to go somethime and someday.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
said no no why does it have to happen to me why my family why why.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Still has not
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
freinds family talking with people there dstories on death.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Tue Oct 26 13:26:45 1999
F27 in West Warwick, RI =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
psychology link from yahoo.com
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Prof/Studies: psychology undergrad
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: diabetes; Aged: 75.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
seen as a final end, a loss, something to be sad over, to grieve
and feel guilty as if blame for the death should be placed onto
someone or something.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 8 years old and my grandmother, who was a huge influence in
my life, died of cancer. It all happened in less than 2 months,
no one knew it had spread throughout her body. I was not allowed
to go to the funeral, because I was told I was too young. I will
always regret not going, but I visit her at the cemetary frequently,
although I know it is just her physical remains that are there. I
guess it makes me feel better.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died of uterine cancer when
I was 8
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I remember putting a photo of my grandmother and grandfather into
my grandfather's hand in the casket. And my sister and I had to
touch his hand to believe it was real, that he was really gone,
but we were afraid to because it would really prove to us what we
didn't want to admit.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to talk openly about it without using stupid euphemisms. No one
is fooling themselves when they try to talk about a dead friend or
relative by making it sound like they simply went away and decided
not to come back..... all of that is just a continuation of the
denial that our culture has about death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I will always have the memories of my grandparents, and those cannot
be taken from me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking with my sister, but mostly inner reflection of the
experiences that I had with them. Going to places that they would
have enjoyed, and talking about them, not as if they were still
alive, but so that the would not appear to be forgotten. To many
times, it seems people are uncomfortable about speaking of the dead.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The total, unarguable fact that they are physically gone-- I
can't go and visit them anymore, or hear my grandfather's jokes
(although now I do catch myself saying the jokes and then saying
" Grandpa would have said that...")
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realized that even though he is no longer here physically, he still
lives in our hearts, in our conversations. He made a strong influence
in my life that I will never forget.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
There was still a remote chance that if he just tried a little more,
if he didn't lose the will to get better, that he would live. I
tried telling myself that for about a month.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
there was so much unidentified emotion that my sister and I almost
started laughing during the wake. We almost couldn't control it,
picturing the little French priest who was giving the eulogy wearing
a beret waving a stick of bread.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let my grandfather and my grandmother know just how important they
were to me, and how much I would miss them.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
attend the funeral-- I was very close to not going because I didn't
think that I could handle seeing his lifeless empty shell of a body
just lying there all posed and made up, just knowing that the fluids
had been drained out and the eyelids sown shut.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we went to the cemetary on the day of the funeraland it was windy
and rainy, and my mother and sister and I were happy about that
because my grandfather loved that kind of expressive weather.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
all the prayers which were said. Its all just silliness-- the people
who aren't religious but suddenly feel that putting faith in a god
will suddenly make things better.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became very sad and had a really hard time expressing how I felt.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
I was baptized a Catholic but now I consider myself pagan/ left
hand path.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
more appropriate than all of the pomp and ceremony of a specific
faith. Death is one of the common threads of humanity.
--Regarding MONEY:
my mother and uncle were supposed to split all of my grandfather's
possessions equally, but of course a big wall went up between them
because my uncle wasn't as fair as he should be.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The little cliques that developed among the people who were there,
and the fact that people were there being so fake. We were in the
receiving line, and my aunt's sister lookied right at my mother,
sister and I and had the nerve to say "Oh, and who are these
people?" despite the fact that she knew my mother. It was very rude,
and upsetting to my mother.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
looking at my grandfather's body.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loss of interest in surroundings, lack of will, a need to say
goodbye to loved ones.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
the first month was the hardest, because the routine was to walk
through the backyard to visit my grandfather, and I needed time
for what happened to sink in.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I know from my mother that her grandmother had this kind of
experience, where her husband had shown up to "bring her home".
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I feel as if my grandmother came back to me. My mother had waking
dreams of her mother visiting her, and my mother, who now lives in my
grandfather's house feels that my grandfather is still there. There
have been times where we have smelled his cologne, and a bizarre
note was left on the refridgerator in my grandfather's handwriting
which said "Rise and shine, Claire" which my mother later told us
is something her father used to say to her in the morning when she
was little.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would want people to know that when I'm dying I want my husband
to be with me. Or if he died before me I would want people to not
be sad because I wouldn't be scared knowing that I would soon be
with my soulmate again.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Thinking of my own death makes me very upset, but not as much
as thinking about "What if my husband dies?" I know that it
is inevitable, you can't fool Death. It isn't the act of death
that frightens me but of being away from Adam, my husband, my
soulmate. I've always told myself that if he were to die, there
would be nothing left here for me, but at the same time, we don't
have children yet and I'm not sure how my opinion will change when
we do have children.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I always go to the cemetary up the street where my grandparents
are buried, and I sit on the grave and meditate about the things
I wish I could talk to them about.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still go to the cemetary when I really miss them
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
belief in reincarnation and the knowledge that the people who are
important in your life will meet with you again, either in this
same life or the next
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think that having to think about these questions really forced
me to understand quite a few things about how the event of my
grandfather's death unfolded. Many of the things I hadn't given
much thought about until now.
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Tue Oct 26 04:52:23 1999
M20 in Orlando, FL =USA=
Name: Matt G.
Email: <groovycracker-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student, Musician
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 22.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The cessation of human life, when all physical functions and
abilities cease.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Felt oddly unmoved. I felt a sense of loss, but not of emptiness,
or abandonment.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Anger that someone I looked up to and cared about was cowardly
enough to take his own life.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Closure. People allow a death to consume them, and basically kill
them emotionally.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Losing someone I looked up to and cared about.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Make sure they know how you feel about them, and leave no issues
unresolved.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Was able to deal with it without ruining or compromising my own life.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk to him, maybe stop him from killing himself.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Spend time with my cousin and get to know him.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Giving him too much credit after what he did. They basically made
him a martyr when he commited the ultimate act of cowardice.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It wouldn't.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he left us all behind when we all loved him and would have
done anything to help him.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A religious funeral, and a sense of peace for my cousin.
--Religious Affiliation:
Protestant/Baptist/Pentecostal
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Ignorant.
--Regarding MONEY:
Irrelavent.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
People in my family worrying about me because I'm turning out so
much like him, and crying because I'm so much like him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
The grieving process was short, and easy to deal with as compared
with that of the rest of my family.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I don't have any issues, but I wish I could tell him how I felt
about his suicide.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't care what is done with me after I die. I won't be there
anyway...
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have very little concern for my own death, and very few
questions. I sometimes wonder who would remember me, and for how
long? Have I made a big impact on anyone's life, or would they
come to my funeral, cry, and move on? I hope that my family,
close friends, and my girlfriend would be affected, and miss me,
and remember me fondly, but I also hope that they would cope well,
and not let my death affect them adversely. I would like to think
that they would think about me occasionally, remembering the good
times we shared, and in the case of my girlfriend, love me, and
find someone who would treat her as well as I do.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
Friends and family members inability to deal with death.
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Mon Oct 25 18:16:01 1999
F42 in Bakersfield, CA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Pancreatic cancer; Aged: 62.
--Details:
He had surgery and they found that there was nothing they could do
and gave him 1 month to 2 years to live.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our physical body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt lonely and sad.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my uncle, whom I spent at least 1 week per
summer with, died when I was 12 years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
him crying on the bed when he realized he was going to die.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it's not the END!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the comment made by someone at the funeral about the siblings noses
and how we all looked like him.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
co-workers and friends sharing with me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
how much I miss talking to and getting advise from my dad.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to be honest and thoughtful when talking to them.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
survived it!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my father acted as though he didn't care if I was there. He was
very mean to me at one point.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
make up the time I missed with my dad when I was growing up and my
parents were divorced.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
make all of the decisions about the arrangements since no one else
could or would.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I would love to hear my dad speaking so wisely to me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I have only known my dad for such a short time.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
remained strong to take care of things. Months later, when someone
I barely knew died, all I could do was cry.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude and thankfulness for doing all they could and for being
so compassionate.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist, Assembly of God, Nazerine
--Regarding MONEY:
we didn't have enough to bury him and he had no savings or life
insurance. Thank goodness he was a Veteran! The VA did a great
deal to take care of things.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The military personnel, the 21 gun salute and the American Flag.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Sitting with my brother and half-brother when my brother really
didn't know our dad at all.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Weakness, lack of appetite, depression and lack of skin color near
the end.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it will never end. I still cry for my dead father.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
didn't happen.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Dad wanted to be cremated. My brother and his girlfriend of
several years wanted to bury him for them to visit. We buried him
to please them.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
When I travel to NV I always stop and buy an iris to lay on my
dad's grave.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
Comforting talks with those around me who have also experienced
death.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
A co-worker had recently lost her mother and she shared a great
deal with me. She allowed me to cry!
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought back memories and loneliness for my dad.
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Mon Oct 25 18:05:13 1999
F18 in San Luis Obispo, CA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: colon cancer; Aged: 16.
--Details:
She slowly deteriorated till it was obvious to everyone except
me...i never thought it could happen this way.
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--Death Is:
not seeing the ones you love any more.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and didn't understand it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I had this friend named Rebecca V., who went
home on Friday afternoon and never came back. I was in first
grade...they just told us that Rebecca went to sleep and never
woke up.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
crying and wondering why such a wonderful person could be taken
from us at such a young age.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
talking about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I knew she was not in the excrutiating pain that I knew was
completely unbearable.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my memories.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that I would see something and think: oh, she'll love that, and
have to catch myself because she was just always there and when
she wasn't anymore, it took so long to get used to it.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have been through it and things get easier with time... you never
forget them.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her again that I love her and that she always was and will be
the best friend I have ever had.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be influenced by her...she had such a good heart, even though life
was always treating her badly.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
they were talking about her at the memorial service, the priest kept
saying she was 15...she was 16 and two months when she died...that
made me even more upset because I knew he didn't really know her.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i begin to reminisce...we were best buds for eleven years... we
went through everything together...our mom's were best friends,
as were out little sister's...there are so many memories.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I probably would be at Cal State Northridge, going to college
with her...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she had to die...she was so good, so wonderful...and of colon
cancer...that is just so rare in people under 50...
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scream and cry and be irrational.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried for the young life that was lost...but I realized that she
gave so much to everyone during her short time. (I sound like a
TV Movie, but it's true)
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disdain.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
terrible...I hate hospitals with a passion...they make me terribly
nervous.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
destitute.
--Regarding MONEY:
her treatments sapped her family's assets and income, but it was
all worth it. They never complained.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that i was completely unable to control my grief.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
hugging her family...we'd been through so much together... I never
would have expected this...
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
none...you may see the mileposts, but I ignored them.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
crying helps a lot.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
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Sun Oct 24 15:19:12 1999
F16 in Edmonton, Alberta =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: in school I will be a biologist!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 17 ?.
--Details:
I was thirteen and I think what hurt most was how much my family
hurt and all the running around and panicking. It was a complete
surprise. Also, my other cousin was in a coma for a while.
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--Death Is:
being gone forever, with no conciousness and not really existing
anymore at all
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My great grandmother died. She lived far
away and I had only seen her a few times. I cried because I knew
I would never see her again and was embarrassed because I thought
people weren't supposed to cry about these things. I used to think
she might come back to life. I also thought they buried her a
a landfill.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
seeing my grandfather looking so much different in the coffin,
and only drying then.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
realizing I would never see them again
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
don't forget how much everyone around you is hurting too.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't know what i believed in; were my family members going to
be in heaven of were they just gone forever? At the time I believed
what the people at the church said but now I don't know anymore.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
The people who died were never very close to me. What makes me
cry is thinking about losing people who are close to me in the future
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I used to think that when my cousin died but now i never do.
I learned so much and the deaths of people in my family have become
such a part of me that I can't imagine life being different.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
make the pain go away.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I remember going to the hospital and trying not to cry, but that's
about it.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
When my grandmother and cousin died I had that comfort of religion
and the idea they were in heaven, yet it still hurt. When my
grandfather died I didn't have that comfort because i didn't know
what to believe, but I knew he was better off where he was and I
was okay.
--Religious Affiliation:
none.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
maybe people have souls, maybe they don't. But the idea that people
are comdemned to eternal heaven or hell based on how they lived in
one lifetime is too stupid to be credible to me.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many loving people were there. Also, the difference between
a Christian funeral and my grandfather's funeral which was very
un-formal yet fet more significant.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it depends on if it's sudden or if you know it's going to happen.
When I know it's going to happen it's a lot easier to accept but
if you didn't know then all the acceptance has to happen in a short
time instead of over a long time.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Any promise made to someone who was dying should be kept, no
matter what.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I never used to care either way because i knew death was part of
life. Now it scares me because I know people who really depend on
me and I wonder how they would deal without me. I want to live long
enough to make a difference and do something important with my life.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I mostly tried to help my brother because adults saw me as too
young to help. But what hurt me most was seeing them in pain and
all I could do to help was to be responsible and understanding in
case anyone did need help.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It reminded me of how scared i am that some people I know may die
and how it would change my life. I am nowhere near as scared of
my own death as I am of that.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Sorry I left so many spots blank. I didn't know what to write for
most of them.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Oct 24 05:50:32 1999
F40 in Kingsport, TN =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Coordinator Employment Services
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: vehicle accident; Aged: 30.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of life on Earth
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Did not know how to act
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My youngetst sister Died while in the hospital
before surgery
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Being abandoned by everyone
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
no support
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Never again being able to say what I could have
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Accept that life isn't fair
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Anger
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say 'I love you" one more time
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I dreamed about him
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a certain song
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
How i might take who I am now and live then
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That he left me
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I can't
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt alone
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
N/A
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
N/A
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
N/A
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
unknown
--Regarding MONEY:
we had no life insurance, I had no job and a small child.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How hippocritical
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
N/A
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
N/A
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
N/A
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
N/A
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Death is a fact of life and we can't go back, so we just go on.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
See above
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
At thi time of his death, I was shaken out of sleep. I also
had a dream about three years later where he was standing at work
(we had worked together at one time) and I had to walk past him.
I knew I couldn't because he was dead and if I did, something bad
would happen. When I did try to sidle past him, he reached out
to give me a hug and I cried on his shoulder for what seemed like
forever. When I woke up, life in general just seemed to get better
and I felt to settled.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
no
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
NO
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
None
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
After I got over the shock, I wanted to talk, but there was no one
to listen.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Oct 23 16:35:44 1999
F16 in oakton, virginia =usa=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Other: ]
looked up "death tests" on yahoo.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: abandonment; Aged: 14.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a part of life that we have to cope with no matter how bad or we're
gonna letourselvs down
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
laughed then cried continuously for 3 days
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...i tried to commit suicide but it failed and
i was put into the kilmer center
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how it affected me and my other friends
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it cant be changed once it happens
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
me being able to survive
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my boyfriend
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
hearing about it and the realization i wasnt gonna see them anymore
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell them all your feelings (confused , scared, etc
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
moved on with life but keep her close in my heart at all times
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i had to let go
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i had to try to look on the bright side no matter how hard it was
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her my feelings
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help my other friends through it too
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
she told me she always loved me as her best friend
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
her saying that she really hated life and she thought it was crap
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i look at pictures
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
shed dtill be my best friend
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that it had to b her
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see her again
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didnt beleive it at first but then i got to thinking how shes in
a better place now
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
i dont get the question
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
--------------------------------
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
helping each other
--Religious Affiliation:
unitarianism
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
weird like its real but not at the same time
--Regarding MONEY:
nolending money in times of need
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
why no one cried
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when she told me she loved me
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
constant depression pleas for help that go un answered
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
laugh then cry
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i was scared. i saw demons coming for me
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
her issue of defying death only god can help her there
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would say i love you too
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
in a dream she was still with me in the mall looking for cd's
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i dont want to discuss
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
io try not to think of those kinds of things
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
listen to their favorite band
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
habit of touching her picture before i go to bed or school
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
her brother and me
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i would help her family more
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i think it gets a little to personal
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Oct 23 16:35:36 1999
F16 in oakton, virginia =usa=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Other: ]
looked up "death tests" on yahoo.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: abandonment; Aged: 14.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a part of life that we have to cope with no matter how bad or we're
gonna letourselvs down
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
laughed then cried continuously for 3 days
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...i tried to commit suicide but it failed and
i was put into the kilmer center
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how it affected me and my other friends
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it cant be changed once it happens
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
me being able to survive
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my boyfriend
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
hearing about it and the realization i wasnt gonna see them anymore
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell them all your feelings (confused , scared, etc
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
moved on with life but keep her close in my heart at all times
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i had to let go
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i had to try to look on the bright side no matter how hard it was
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her my feelings
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help my other friends through it too
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
she told me she always loved me as her best friend
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
her saying that she really hated life and she thought it was crap
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i look at pictures
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
shed dtill be my best friend
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that it had to b her
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see her again
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didnt beleive it at first but then i got to thinking how shes in
a better place now
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
i dont get the question
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
--------------------------------
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
helping each other
--Religious Affiliation:
unitarianism
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
weird like its real but not at the same time
--Regarding MONEY:
nolending money in times of need
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
why no one cried
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when she told me she loved me
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
constant depression pleas for help that go un answered
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
laugh then cry
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i was scared. i saw demons coming for me
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
her issue of defying death only god can help her there
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would say i love you too
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
in a dream she was still with me in the mall looking for cd's
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i dont want to discuss
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
io try not to think of those kinds of things
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
listen to their favorite band
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
habit of touching her picture before i go to bed or school
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
her brother and me
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i would help her family more
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i think it gets a little to personal
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Oct 23 07:13:53 1999
F30 in Sarnia, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Sally
Email: <dunn-at-xcelco.on.ca>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Nursing Student
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Nephew, 1yr ago.
Cause of Death: brain tumor; Aged: 3.
--Details:
He was diagnosed after a trip to the emergency room because he woke
up one morning and couldn't walk. We had no idea. Three weeks
later, to the day, he died. It wasn't enough time.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The very complete end of life and the beginning of a more powerful
one.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand what it was, what it meant. As I got older,
I realized what death was, but so much time had passed since my
grandmother's death, it didn't really affect me badly.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother was in town visiting as she was going to take all
of us grandkids to the Canadian National Exhibition. She suffered
a massive brain hemmorhage and died almost instantly. All us kids
were there. We never went to the fair, or saw our grandmother again.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The anger, the injustice, the fear, the guilt. The not wanting to
go on anymore.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It doesn't need so many rules and regulations about how to deal
with the death. You should just be allowed to grieve.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The love I now realize I'm capable of giving, and receiving.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My sister foremost, and also the understanding of my family to just
let me go off into my own little world for a while. They didn't
judge me or make me feel guilty for trying to self-destruct.
They knew I'd find my way back to sanity even when I didn't know it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The pain my sister has, and for the first time in my life, I can't
do a damn thing to protect her. The aloneness.
--[My Nephew's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
didn't let all my emotions get in the way of seeing my sister.
I didn't run away from her and her enormous pain. I jumped into it.
Because I love her.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The first several months after he died. I still can't really
remember them. My sister doesn't either. But I know I hated
the world.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
some part of me, I don't know if it was my brain or my spirit, needed
to. It was necessary for me to remember that my life didn't have
to be all bad. Even if I didn't realize it, some part of me did.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with him on my own.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with my sister. I didn't just help her, she helped me. We are
so close now.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my little nephew seemed to know before anyone else that he wasn't
going to be getting well again, so it was almost like he started
saying good-bye to people. He came to my house and I played "eat
the bugs" with him. We hadn't played anything like that since the
day, a year before, that we played "eat the carrots". That day, a
year ago, was so special to me, and my nephew seemed to know that.
I think that's why he played "eat the bugs" with me. It was his
way of saying, "bye-bye auntie, I'll miss you".
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
No. Everything was important.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear certain songs on the radio, or look at pictures, or see
other little boys, or see the expression on my other nephew's face.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would still be the person I used to be, so would my sister and
her family. We would all be happy again. There's a huge piece
missing now. We're different people, all of us. We're quieter,
more introspective, older in our hearts and in our minds. In my
alternate reality, we'd all be laughing and carefree and we'd never,
never take a single moment for granted again.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why does all this bad stuff keep happening to MY family? Haven't we
suffered enough? What kind of a God are you? If all this is to
prepare me for later in my life, and to make me stronger, just
what the hell else do You have in store for me? I don't want to
play anymore.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go to sleep.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried. I didn't know how life could possibly procede.
I became very frightened.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
inadequacy and humanness.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Rules and regulations to be strictly followed. No emotion allowed.
--Religious Affiliation:
Native Canadian - Traditional
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right.
--Regarding MONEY:
Some people worried about it, and drew our resentments because we
felt there were far more important things to worry about, like how
do we go on living.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the dignity you're expected by society to maintain at a time when
you're world has just collapsed. To have all those people watching
how you're coping as you have to watch someone you loved so dearly
be put into the ground. It's inhumane.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how you can completely detach yourself from your emotions, your mind.
It's almost like taking a sleep while you're awake. You just stare.
You don't think. You don't feel anything at all. I don't think
you can even hear. It doesn't last too long, but when it did,
I felt relief. It was a break.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the person saying good-bye, in however subtle a way. The most
important thing though, is what the dying person believes. My nephew
told his mom he wasn't going to get better. He was three. All of us
"adults" chose not to believe him. We kept hoping. We were wrong.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Time and talking. Time and talking. Time and talking.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
He knew he was going to die long before he ever got sick. He wasn't
afraid of it and he tried to show us this several times. Twice,
that I can remember, when he almost drowned, and once when he almost
choked. In all these incidents, my nephew didn't even struggle.
He was peaceful. I believe he was born with the knowledge that he
wouldn't be on earth long but that he was here to teach us something.
He tried to tell us it would be okay.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Any issues I may have had were dealt with when I found that Superman
figurine. I knew then that my nephew forgave me for any hurts I
may have caused him. I know he always loved me and still does.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I just want to know if he's really alright. I want to know why it
had to be this way. I want to know if he's still a little boy on
the other side, or if he grows.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I was in a car accident nine months after my nephew died. I was
alone, on a deserted rural road and my car went off the road.
It was completely totalled. I remember thinking how I had to
immediately get out of the vehicle as soon as it stopped moving.
I was cut up and upside down. The moment the car stopped moving
(on its roof), something MADE me get out of the car right away.
Looking back, I don't think it was because the car was going to
explode or anything, I think it was because if I had of stayed in
the car, I would have gone into shock and died. My will to live
was very, very low and if I had of had time to think about it then,
if something didn't make me get out of the car right away, I would
have stayed until I died. Later, my sister and I went to get all my
personal belongings out of the car, which was at the auto wreckers.
When we opened the door, sitting on the floor front and centre, was
a little Superman figurine. It was my nephew's. We have absolutely
no idea how it got there. Actually, it's impossible that it was
there, but it was. I believe with all my heart that it was a sign
from my nephew that he was with me, that he took care of me, and
that he wants me to live. He also came to me in a dream about one
month after dying. He was sitting in my kitchen and he was happy.
This was important to me because my mom kept making me feel like my
house was an evil place, full of ghosts that wanted to do us harm.
(She has the gift of "seeing" things which others cannot.) Needless
to say, this made me feel very weird. Seeing my nephew in my dream
changed that. He was showing me that my house was a good place.
The relief I felt was indescribable.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think it's a gift to humankind to have hope. How do you give it
up even when the dying person asks you to? I know it's selfish to
want to keep the person on this earth even when they want to go.
That's also a trait of humankind. But really, you should stop
thinking in this realm and think of the person you love, who
is dying. They're thinking of the next realm.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I can't go.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Trying to help my sister, helped me. I did really stupid things.
She has a stuffed animal that her son loved very much. She cried
herself to sleep with this animal every night. Whenever I was alone
in my sister's room, after he died, I would take this animal and
squeeze it to me. I would ask the animal to pass its pain to me
so that it would be empty and ready to accept more of my sister's
grief.I don't know, I just knew my sister needed, still does, that
stuffed animal. I just didn't want it to lose its ability to give
her some small measure of comfort.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still take exceptional care with that stuffed animal. It holds
a lot of my respect, and love. I also carry that Superman figurine
in my purse. I talk to it. It makes me feel close to my nephew.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My sister and I are so exceptionally close. We feel each other's
pain, confusion, anger. We were always close, but now it's so very
much more. It's so ironic that we got that way because we needed
to in order to survive her son's death, that now I couldn't imagine
surviving her's whenever it comes.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
I didn't have an appreciation of what death meant as I was so young.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
For me personally, I have always been a real loner in my emotions.
What really helped me was my sister's understanding, of me, and of my
need to sometimes just go off the deep end and not feel for awhile.
Then I'd come back, (usually that night or the next day) and try
some more. I drank almost every other day. My sister does not
drink at all. But she never condemned me or made me feel bad.
She allowed me the chance to "not feel" because she loves me and
understands me. I rarely drink now and that has a lot to do with
her and my family. We supported each other in our own ways and
that support was individualized to each of our personalities.
It's an amazing, dynamic thing. You really learn who you are.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me cry but it made me feel. Sometimes it's too easy to
make yourself not feel. I also realize that I've come an awful
long way in the past year and it gives me hope that time will take
some more of the pain away. The questions allowed me a chance to
think through issues I hadn't thought through before. Thank-you.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
You might ask how the family coped as a unit. My sister's marriage
fell apart almost immediately. This greatly added to the pain of
the family which really couldn't handle much more.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Oct 22 19:59:20 1999
F31 in Washington, DC, =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Twin, 14 ago.
Cause of Death: murder; Aged: 16.
--Details:
This is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
My sister and I had gotten into a fight late one night, and I shoved
her out the front door and locked her out. While she was outside,
two men in a car came and took her. They sexually assaulted her
and stabbed her 6 times in her stomach and left her body in an alley
about 7 blocks from our house. She was found 3 days after our fight.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mother died in childbirth giving birth to
my youngest brother. She died on my 12th birthday.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my friends didn't leave me when I needed them the most.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the truth of my reality. That's what I would say to myself over
and over, "sometimes all you have is the truth of your reality."
Everything else was falling to pieces around me...all I had was
the reality of my situation. I knew that whatever else happened,
it was true and real that my sister was gone, and that reality
comforted me. I can't explain it better than that, I'm sorry.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing i was responsible
--[My Twin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to become a better person from it. I used to be extremely
angry before her death, and I was miserable, and I hated myself.
Then when she was killed, the self-hatred was at its peak, and I
tried suicide twice and failed twice. While I was healing physically
from those attempts, it dawned on me that i was at the bottom of
everything...that there was no way i could get any worse than i
was now. and i knew that i couldn't live the rest of my life at
the bottom. so i put myself back together again, and i did it so
that the personality i created for myself was one that i liked.
i made sure that, since i was getting a second chance, i would be
a good person this time. and i am. i don't hate myself anymore,
and my life is good, and i'm happy. i wish to god she were still
here, that she didn't die, but in a way it was good for me that i
was shaken up at that time (if it doesn't sound too morbid to say
that....a few years ago, i would never have admitted that any good
came out of her death.)
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
make up with her before she died. she died mad at me. she died
thinking i was mad at her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we had to decide what to do with her room...leave it as it is?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i have to talk about it at any length with anyone
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
this is the thing i don't let myself think about, so i can't
answer this. this is something i refuse to think about, because
it would hurt too much
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
make her come back. and make my mother come back. so we can
be a whole family again. that's the hardest part. not being a
whole family. having to say, "well, i had two sisters, but one is
no longer living"
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
hated myself with such a rage, i can only compare it to wanting to
murder someone else. like when you hate someone so much all you
can think about is killing them. only there was no "someone else,"
it was me. i've always thought of it as "self-murder" rather than
"suicide" because I HATED myself with such a passion.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
good intentions, but not good follow-through
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a rock...a support that will never leave you...and it did help
me/us a lot.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i don't remember the funeral
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
well, i developed a severe, psychotic depression (my clinical
diagnosis was "major depressive episode, severe, with psychotic
features")...because i hallucinated both audially and visually.
i could hear her speaking to me, and i would see her in crowds
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Yes. But then, I was hallucinating. So they say. I would hear
her voice behind my right shoulder...she was taller than I was when
she was alive, but I would hear her voice just level with my ear.
She would tell me really negative things...about how bad I was,
stuff like that. I would see her standing behind me whenever
I looked in the mirror...just brief flashes of her face behind
my right shoulder. I would also see her in crowds, like when I
was walking on the street. She had very very bright red hair,
brighter than any other red-head I've ever seen, and I would see
her hair (more than I would see her) in crowds. I don't know if
this counts as a visitation or not. I never experienced anything
like this with my mother's death.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Well, like I said, I would repeat to myself "sometimes all you
have is the truth of your reality" like a mantra whenever the
going got especially rough, like when i was in the hospital and
was all alone. I would also (this is a common Catholic practice)
offer up my sufferings for the sake of her soul. (So, say, when I
was in pain, i would think of the pain and say, "Lord Jesus Christ,
I offer you this suffering for the sake of my sister Cerri.")
I don't know how creative this is.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still say my phrase whenever I have problems. Oh, another
thing...when I was in the hospital, I would sing to myself...most
often the old songs "Little Girl Blue" and "Sometimes I Feel Like a
Motherless Child." I still sing these songs when I get sad around
the anniversary of her death.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
One of my brother's friends...a very reserved, private, quiet
man...became a very good friend of mine during this time, and is
still very close to me. He suffered a lot in his childhood, and
I think because I was suffering as well, he felt he could connect
with and help me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
The neat thing about this questionnaire is that the questions I
didn't answer...I didn't answer because they were too hard or too
painful for me to answer. And that's very useful to me, to see
what issues I have still, even 14 years after my sister's death.
It sounds so strange to say "14 years." I feel simultaneously
like she died just yesterday, and that I've lived with the grief
of her murder my entire life. Another thing: my mother died,
and yet, somehow, her death was not as...affecting, or impacting,
or moving....i don't know. She was my mother, and it's very
troubling to lose your mother at a young age, and it *was* very
very hard for me/my family when she died. But when my sister died,
probably because I had a hand in her death, it affected me so much
more personally. It totally changed my personality and the way I
thought about everything and anything. I am an entirely different
person now after her death than I was before...and this change was
evident very soon after she died.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
A question about how guilty or responsible we feel for the person's
death might be useful.
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Fri Oct 22 16:29:14 1999
F22 in farmington, me =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
typed in, in yahoo psychology experiments
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Prof/Studies: student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Hello From Heaven
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
?
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 1 1/2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: disease; Aged: 72? +/-.
--Details:
This was a diesease that had no cure! :-(
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something that happens to everyone at some point in their lives. This
is hard to deal with because it is letting go of someone that you
don't want to even though sometimes it is for the best (dying of
a disease)
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 10 years old and it was my grandpa
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandpa died in the middle of the night
and i was very close to him but i was able to deal with it and move
on in a healthy way.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Very sad but also at the same time it was very happy because she
didn't want it to be sad and wanted us to party and have a good time,
we remembered all the happy times and took it from there
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my aunt is no longer suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family and loved ones
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that i won't see her for a very very very long time and
i cannot tactily share things with her even though i know she is
always there for me
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
n/a
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
n/a
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
n/a
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
n/a
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
just spend more time with her, i spent lots of it but never enough
becaus there is always going tobe the 1 more time
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
go and see her in the hospital the day that she died just within
a couple of hours.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
n/a
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i remember all the cards that i sent over a year that i was out of
the state and she saved them but after her death i went to get htem
and the cleaning lady threw them out.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think like that, i have accepted it
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that i have to lose her (selfish reasoning but true)
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
nothing, it doesn't get that difficult
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
n/a
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
none
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
we have faith that one day we will meet again and so that helps
some in the dealing process
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
none
--Regarding MONEY:
no object just be happy
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
she was very loved by many many people
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
n/a
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
Just have to realize that one day you will meet again and they are
in a better place
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Fri Oct 22 12:13:27 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my sister's best friend - sudden death
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
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Fri Oct 22 10:38:38 1999
F26 in New York, New York =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: accidental fall from ladder; Aged: 53.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father had a ladder slip out from underneath
him; he landed head-first on a hard-surface floor and died two days
later as a result of that injury.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I no longer have a fear of death nor preoccupations with the concepts
of aetheistic nothingness after existance.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a combination of people (from close relatives, school support
group, roommates, close friends), a scientific knowledge (thanks to
E. Kubler-Ross) that the range and progression of emotions I was
experience was common and expected, a pragmatic person assisting
with the rituals of death, the love I had for the passed, and time.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
If a situation arises where a life support machine is to be turned
off, I thought it was important to be there. Though confronting
death head-on was the most frightening concept to me at the time
(since prior to my father, I had never even seen a dead body),
I thought that if the positions were reversed, I would not want
to be alone at the moment I passed from this Earth. Only be being
strong and confronting the events as they happen will prevent you
from having regrets at your inaction.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I saw my father for the first time, in the emergency room, and
having to reconcile the concepts that for all intents and purposes,
the breathing, bleeding, trembling man was in essence already dead.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Je ne regret rien.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Fidn the strength to be there when he passed AND have such a loving
relationship with him in life that there are no regrets.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Caskets, flowers, mass cards, limosines... why spend so much money on
an event you don't really want to remember and will never see again?
It seems like it is less a celebration of life but rather trying
to make sure that catty relatives don't make comments about the
deceased not being "truly loved" or the grieving being "cheap".
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
an event happens at which my father would have liked to have been
or seen.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My father's death thrust me, irreversibly, into adulthood.
Not only did I lose the financial support and coddling love often
associated with a parent (the negatives), but I found the strength
of my convictions and loss any vestiges of subservience I had until
that point.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
...that I lost the "good" parent and am left with the neurotic one.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I am glad that my parents' church had an organized grief ministry, or
else we would not have known even the first steps of having a funeral
or dealing with the maelstrom of emotions. However, the Catholic
Church, in times of death, disgusted me so much with its hypocrisy
that I finally was able to sever the last thread that prevented me
from being able to tell all that I did not believe its dogma.
--Religious Affiliation:
Agnostic ("heck if I know, and I won't find out until I'm dead what
happens") with fascination and appreciation for the intellectual
stimuli of many religions/bored kid dragged to Catholic Church in
the past
--Regarding MONEY:
Well, gee, I was right. As a child, I had predicted that my mother
would be selfish and cut off all support for all of her children
if something were to happen to my father, and had asked that he at
least name his children as beneficiaries to enough life insurance
policies to cover our college educations. His response was that
I was underestimating my mother, and that of course she would take
care of her own children. He died, she's now a multimillionaire,
and I have over $100,000 in student loans, which will dog me for
the next several decades. Hate to say it, Dad, but my clairvoyancy
powers wer apparently stronger than yours. :-)
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have had one dream in which my father's presence felt like a
"visitation"-- nothing special happened in the dream-- in fact,
we were just riding and talking in his car-- but I felt a warmth
in my chest as the dream was occurring, and woke up with both a
smile on my face and tears streaming down my face.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have had one dream in which my father's presence felt like a
"visitation"-- nothing special happened in the dream-- in fact,
we were just riding and talking in his car-- but I felt a warmth
in my chest as the dream was occurring, and woke up with both a
smile on my face and tears streaming down my face.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
Time, talks with brother and woman from grief ministry,
self-examination on meaning of life.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Thu Oct 21 09:11:14 1999
F17 in STOCKPORT, MANCHESTER =ENGLAND=
Name: NATALIE HOLT
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: TRAVEL SERVICES STUDENT
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I WAS 10 AND MY DAD DIED
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
IT WAS A NERVOUS REACTION
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
HAVE HAD MORE TIME WITH HIM NOT GOING TO THE FUNERAL
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
HAVE ALL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS ROUND ME
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I TRIPPED UP THE NEXT DAY
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
NOT GOING TO THE FUNERAL
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I AM IN BED TRYING TO GET TO SLEEP IT IS HIS BIRTHDAY OR
ANNIVERSARY
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
HE TAKES ME TO THE CINEMA AND I AM GOING OUT WITH HIS GIRLFRIENDS SON
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
THAT I WAS ONLY 10 AND HIS GIRLFRIEND WOULD NOT LET ME HAVE ANY OF
HIS STUFF
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
SEE HIM AGAIN
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
HE WAS DEAD BEFORE THEY COULD DO ANYTHING
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I LOST MY FAITH IN GOD BUT I DO BELIEVE THER IS SOMETHING
--Religious Affiliation:
ANYTHING
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
CLOSE TO ME
--Regarding MONEY:
NOT RELEVENT
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I STILL SOMETIMES SPEAK TO HOM IN MYT HEAD
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
HE DID NOT HAVE ANY
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
YOU DO EVENTUALY START TO ENJOY LIFE AGAIN
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I KNOW HE IS WATCHING OVER ME LIKE A GUARDING ANGEL
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I HEARD A WOMAN SAY HELLO IN MY BEDROOM THE OTHER NIGHT AND ONCE
MUM PUT THE CUPS NEXT TO THE SINK FOR ME TO DRY THEM BUT WHEN I
LOOKED THEY WERE HUNG UP BONE DRY!
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
THAT I HAVE ACHIEVED WHAT I WANTED IN LIFE AND HE IS HAPPY WHERE
HE IS AND SO AM I, IT MAKES ME FEEL MORE SECURE
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I WANT TO BE CREMATED AND HAVE THE SONG ANGLES BY ROBBIE WILLIAMS
PLAYING AND I WANT TO BE REMEMBERED AS A KIND LOVING PERSON
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I WOULD GO OUT HAVE FUN EAT GET DRUNK BUT ALSO BE SCARED SO HOPEFULLY
AT MY TIME OFD DEATH I WILL BE TO OUT OF OT TO KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
LISTENING TO THE RADIO AND WATCHING TV
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I AM MUCH STRONGER AND I DO BOT GET BULLIED ANYMORE BECUSE OF THAT.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
PARENTS WERE SEPERATED SO HE WAS NOT IN MY HOUSE
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
GRIEF
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
MY SISTER TAKING ME TO THE CINEMA
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
THIS IS AN EXCELLENT QUESTIONNAIRE WHICH HAS BROUGHT BACK SO MANY
MEMORIES
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
WAS THIS PERSON A GOOD PERSON?
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Thu Oct 21 05:11:35 1999
F16 in london, london =england=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
searched on yahoo 4 psychological tests
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 72.
--Details:
he was dying of cancer so it was expected
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
life force runs out
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt numb and it was weeks b4 it hit me
--That first time, how it happened was
my brother accidentaly killed his hamster it was only a little baby
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
mum cracked up
--What I think my (england) culture needs to better learn about death is:
don't talk about the pewrson so bloody cheerfully
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
he wouldn't like to see me now
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
writing to him
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
i needed to ask him questions and he wasn't there
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
i changed so much in ways he wouldnt have approved of
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
everyone was so hysterical and i felt nothing
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
ask him about his life
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help grandma
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the body was there and the guy was giving the speech about his life
and i thought he was listening
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the speech itself
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i want to tell him something
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i wouldn't have gone the wrong way in life
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i want to go too
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried hysterically
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no contact with
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
all this separete beliefs stuff is being pedantic
--Regarding MONEY:
funeral very expensive
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the speeches were CRAP and way too cheerful
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
his computer was in our front room. it looked at me all the time.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
getting iller
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
time
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
grandma
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i want to know about his life and how he felt about it
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
he was still alive, in his computer, and now he is staring at a dump
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i want music that is 'bad taste' 4 death bc that is what i like
and i hate th cliched music
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i want it to be soon
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
no
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Wed Oct 20 22:48:38 1999
F27 in Richmond, Indiana =U.S.A.=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Salesperson
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Step-parent, 4 1/2 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 53.
--Details:
It happened suddenly, we knew she had it two weeks before she died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the ultimate betrayal
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
pretended that it didn't happen, that they just left.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my Grandfather
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was supposed to spend the day with her on Thurs. for Mothers day
and she died on the Sat. before.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the thought that I would die sometimes and that I would have no
control over it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Talk to them like you always have, don't get weepy and sentimental,
it depresses them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when I was called and told
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have spent a day with her and given her her Mothers day gift.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
keep myself together and be strong for my Father.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my father gave me one of her necklaces
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the meal after the funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i'm depressed and don't want to live anymore
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she was young and had many things in life that she wanted to do
that she'll never be able to.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
become invisible so noone could see me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became depressed and sad, angry and hurt.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
confusion
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
no one from my church even contacted me or offered any support
--Religious Affiliation:
non-denominational
--Regarding MONEY:
she left all her money to my father and her son my stepbrother and
now my real brother and father arn't speaking.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
not knowing, is she happy where she's at or is she gone and is
everything were told true, what really happens when you die.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she smiled as she took her last breath
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have had two near death experiences and I am very afraid of death,
I cannot even go near a dead body, even if it is someone that I
Love. If I do get close to a deceased person I start trembling get
a sick feeling and feel like i'm going to faint.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My Grandfather wrote a letter to my family through my uncle who
is illiterate, the writing was distinctly my Grandfathers and the
letter sounded just like something he would say or write.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have a horrible fear about my death, I dream of myself dying all
of the time and yes I watch myself die in these dreams.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I've not figured out a way to get closure yet.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out
I try to act as though it didn't happen
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
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Wed Oct 20 08:53:34 1999
F18 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 9 months ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 25.
--Details:
He came over to my house a few and got mad at me, saying that I
could do so much to make him happy, but that I just didn't love him
that much. He went on to say how I made his life horrible, and he
would be so much better with out me. And I told him taht none of
that was true, and that I loved him very much, and I didn't know
why he was saying these things. And he looked at me for a minute,
and then he said that he had always loved me, but that I never did
love him. He said that what if it wasn't for me, he would want to
live. And then he shot himself in the head. Right in front of me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
different for each person. Some people will say that it was God's
will, and they will be able to accept it. Other people cry about
it, and that helps them accept it. Some people will deny it and go
on with life with out ever dealing with the pain, that is probably
the worst way to handle it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
closed out everyone. I blamed myself for it, and wanted revenge.
--That first time, how it happened was
I was 9 years old and I saw one of my brothers beaten to death,
and I was being held, so that I couldn't help him. I still haven't
forgiven myself.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it made me question the impact I had on people, and I thought for a
long time that I was going to ruin people's lives just by being me. I
didn't understand what to do. I also told myself I would never be
in a romantic relationship again. I wouldn't/couldn't trust anyone,
it strained my relationships with people, even my close friends.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it happens to everyone, no matter what. Some sooner, some
later.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I look deep into myself, and see who I really am.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The thing I always turned to was alcohol. That isn't really support,
but at the time, it was all I would accept.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The feeling of being helpless. Each time some on has died, I had
to watch it, and there was nothing I could do.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't know how to save them and make it better. I've always
been the one to protect and defend my friends against harm. It's
hard to watch them be hurt and not know how to stop it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I still havent admitted to myself any of the deaths. I can talk
about them, but it's like what I'm saying isn't triggering anything
in my brain.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
I guess I don't really deal with it. I've never been able to admit
to myself that it's really happening.
It was a lot of the things above. Denial, guilt, rage, closing out
everyone and everything, and alcohol.
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Wed Oct 20 08:32:19 1999
F17 in , MN =USA=
Web: http://home.att.net/~khammerbeck/linz/Lindsay.htm
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: college student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 5 months ago.
Cause of Death: a car accident; Aged: 19.
--Details:
my friend hit another car head on while going around a curve. At
first it was believed that he fell asleep at the wheel, but now
they are saying that it might have been the other driver's fault.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
just the beginning for some, the end for others.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
could not believe it and didn't know how I was ever going to get
over it
--That first time, how it happened was
There have been 10 deaths of people at my school in the since I was
in High School. I knew 7 of them well, and 2 of them were good
friends. Most of the deaths were accidents involving vehicles of
some sort.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Seeing so many teenagers at a funeral in tuxedos and prom dresses
(because the prom was that night) and thinking how sad it was that
attending a funeral had become such a "common" part of so many
young lives.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is not a sad event, but a celebration.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
death came on swift wings.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my faith in God and friends' shoulders to cry on
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing I would not see them again on this earth, ever hear them
sing again, speak again, or ever hear them say "I love you" again.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't know what to feel.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
join them
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried, bawled, and sobbed for days.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
having the support I needed and knowing that there would come a
day when we are together again.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian/Lutheran
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
just seeing him in the casket and knowing he was really gone
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Just knowing their in a better place now helps.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
having to go to school every day and not seeing them there hurt.
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Wed Oct 20 07:10:08 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looking for a death test
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: motorcycle accident; Aged: 44.
--Details:
I saw his body laying in the road near my home
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great aunt had a heart attack
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Wed Oct 20 00:51:37 1999
M21 in Dallas, Texas =Denton=
Name: Mark Dozier
Email: <mhdozier-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Prof/Studies: Psychology Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: automobile accident; Aged: 19.
--Details:
She was driving to Austin to visit a friend, and reached down to
dial her phone and swerved into the median divide, killing herself.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
this form you see now is not permanent, but has to perish. We aren't
sure where we go; there are a lot of theories on that. But I try
to focus on the now, while I'm on earth and when I'm no longer here.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Understood what my parents had told me about people dying.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...aunt Veletra got stomach cancer and died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the plastic-looking corpse in the casket. It didn't even look
like Kelly.
--What I think my (Denton) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not a somber time, but a time of rejoicing because this person
moved on. Of course, if it is a tragic death, of a young person,
then it is time for greiving. But give the family support, food,
money, and love. Not your tears.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the chance Jane and I have to visit Kelly every summer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Myself. The calm rational voice that I always listen to.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing how it hurt my friends
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't have any regrets.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Kelly would have wanted us to laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her I loved her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there, in Dallas, when it happened so Jane could come to me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
those girls showed up to the funeral just to make a social
appearance, and talked during the music.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
forget it happened.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
this life, and we just have to go for it, every day.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. It was full of silly rumors about death and what is
to come.
--Religious Affiliation:
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like what is real, and right, and tangible in a time of death.
--Regarding MONEY:
it wasn't important anymore. Ever.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The pastor didn't know shit about Kelly, and there was no reason
for him to get up there, mispronounce her highschool, and say things
about her that weren't true, but sounded nice.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
walking back to the car after it was all over
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It never ends. But if it is a happy, calm time if rejoicing,
then it never should end.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
there is jusst no such thing.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no unressolved issues.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be okay with that. I would call all of my loved ones,
tell them goodbye. then I would see my best friend and spend the
day with her. Then I would buy myself several ounces of weed and
shrooms and geltabs, and go backpacking alone until the time came.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I don't sing anymore, but I play the guitar now. I love it.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I understand tht Jason isn't my friend anymore. That made me sad.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
I think viewings are barbaric, and will soon disappear from our
culture
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I let her hug me and cry. It was the best thing for her.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionnaire is wordy, and tough to have enough patience
to get through. But the subject is wonderful. Who reads all of
these responses? What a tough job.
[Ed Note: Actually, it's not a tough job... It's LOTS to read,
but it's very worthwhile reading. :-) ]
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
None in particular, but they are almost all wordy. I guess that
keeps the questionnaire from sounding cold. It's a trade off.
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Tue Oct 19 23:34:00 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 28 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cirrhosis/liver failure; Aged: 60+/-.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a mystery.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had no feelings about it. Unless you count various hamsters and dogs,
then I was devastated.
--That first time, how it happened was
My hamster.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how sad my mother was, and seemingly alone.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
its real.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
...
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
time alone, to feel, think and let things come.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
(hasn't happened yet.)
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't lie.
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
??
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
??
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
??
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
??
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that itis all going to end. That we start over.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
wake up.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt like I had to take care of my mother. (sick,but true.)
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
(death)
--Religious Affiliation:
private
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true, essential and tacitly obvious.
--Regarding MONEY:
people almost forgot about the death and started slavering over
the money.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everybody was suffering before they got there, and after they left.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
packing up the house.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The resolution of issues between grandfather and I can only happen
between my father and I. And really only within "i"
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am thinking about it near constantly. I wonder if paradoxically
the motivation for enlightenment, probably requiring "death" is not
the avoidance of death. I think dying sucks. It scares me and at the
same time what I want to know is how to go in with the headlights
on, so to speak. Ireally want to know that. Maybe that is part of
why war has some sort of attraction.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
go for a walk, be quiet inside for hour, say silent, strong prayer
that comes up. End of story.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I've known very few who have died, none that were close to me. No
person that I have known who has died has really affected me. I
imagine that my perspective on spirituality would be the greatest
asset to dealing with it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Tue Oct 19 22:02:34 1999
F26 in Lemont, IL =United States=
Name: Rachel Bauer
Email: <hannahsaunt-at-aol.com>
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Prof/Studies: Customer Service
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: massive strokes; Aged: 53.
--Details:
She was sick for 7 days. She had a stroke a day for 7 days.
I was there at the end.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is when someone's heart stops beating, thier spirt leaves
thier body and goes to rest with the God. We can not see this
person again until we die, and go to God.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 7, this was not that bad because I had no idea what was going on.
The next year when my grandpa died, I knew what was going on and
I was afraid and very sad.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandma died of cancer when I was 7
years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The loneliness that the person who gave me life and loved me more
than any other human is gone, and I have a very full life ahead of
me with out her.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that there is a higher being, and we are not just ashes when we die.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my mom taught me faith in God, and that I know she is at peace
in a much more beautiful place than earth.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family and friends. Each day is different. Some days I don't
want to talk to any one about the death, but other days I feel like
shouting "My mom is dead" from the sears tower.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that I do not get to hug or kiss my mom any more.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just hold thier hand, and let them know that you can live without
them, how ever hard that might be for you to say. But I believe
that some people hold on for thier loved ones here, until they can
deal with the loss.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
didn't realize it would take me a week to cry, because I was so
numb and spent 7 days convincing myself that she was gone.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
dealing with going on with my life, and not crawling into bed and
staying there until the hurt goes away.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
we all laughed so hard the night before my mom died, and we held an
Irish wake at the bar the night she died. Laughter heals the soul
(my mom taught me that!)
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I have no regrets, but I wish I my mom could have held out for the
year 2000, she was so excited that it was coming.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
make it through the wake and funeral in one piece.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my freinds from work were all so supportive, and that my dad arranged
the funeral, and did not get drunk during any of the ordeal.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I cry on a weekly basis.... when there is a song that I sang for
her on the radio, or I pass anywhere in town where we spent time,
or I get so mad I could spit.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I cna't think like this, or I would definitly never get out of bed!
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my mom was only 53, and I am only 26 and I have to live a full
lifetime without her.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stay in bed.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
knew that mom was in a better place..
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did not do enough to find the problem until it was too late
to fix it.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very helpful, and christian.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
we belive in a better life for our loved ones who die.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was rasied a Lutheran and I am still affiliated with the church
I grew up in.
--Regarding MONEY:
my dad was so sure that he was going first, we did not have enough
to bury my mom, and my dad had to get a loan to pay for everything.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone loved my mom
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
looking at my mom in the nursing home after she had died.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
watch thier breathing, it gets slower and slower, day by day
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I get to see mom again in the Promised Land
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my mom saw many dead people toward the end of her life, for the last
6 months. I know that there are times she is with me, in the car,
at my home, at her home.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
6 months before my mom died, she had a serious stroke, and she said
the angels would not take her, she still had work here to do.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no regrets, I loved my mom a lot and she knew just how much
when she died.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I said everything to my mom three nights before she died.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my mom talks to me, she has not shown herself, I think because she
knows it would scare me to death. But she does talk to me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Mom's death was so sudden, we did not know her wishes. I think
it would be a good idea to have your wishes written and given to a
loved on. This is from do you want to be creamated, to the songs
you want played at your funeral.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would prefer not to know when I am going to die. I just hope
that I get the chance to be a mother before I go.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I started a journal to her. I recount the fun times and the sad
time that we shared together. It really does help.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
My parents faith, and my mom's strength (it was her mom)
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I realized I did not leave anything undone with my mom. I just
wanted her here longer.
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Tue Oct 19 11:27:34 1999
F26 in , north carolina =united states=
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Found us by: [ Hospice ]
Was looking for info on the net about death. . .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
the BIBLE
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, (not yet) ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: late 70s.
--Details:
My grandfather is not dead yet, but currently he is slipping away
from us. He is at home, has never complained of being in pain for
the last two years that we have watched his health deteriorate,
and is being taken care of by my grandmother (and in the last few
weeks, the hospice). It is a very beautiful and peaceful process
for him. Yesterday, I spent the day with him and my grandmother.
He loves listening to Christian hymns, and I sang to him. It was
hard for me, but I felt God's presence and strength. The house was
so peaceful. I am sad, and I don't want him to be scared of dying.
Thinking that he is scared is what is so hard for me. Sometimes,
I believe he accepts this, and other times, I believe he wants his
family with him always. He has always made family his priority.
He seems to be the happiest when his children and family are sitting
around the bed where he is, and they just talk. He listens and they
just talk. . . joke and act as usual. Our presence and especially
the presence of my grandmother seems to be a huge comfort to him.
Of course, he needs his rest too. (He is not eating anymore.)
The waiting and wondering what is going through his mind and hoping
that he feels so at ease is what is so hard. . .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our earthly physical bodies expire. . . and we either go on to
be with God in heaven or in hell depending upon a choice we made in
our earthly life regarding a special gift that God sacrificed for us
(Jesus). Those that choose to believe in Jesus as our Savior from
eternal punishment, will go to heaven. Death is just the doorway
to something greater and free of sin and pain.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand it all as I was a young child. I was sad, and it
was all so mysterious to me. It preoccupied my mind a bit trying
to figure out how everyone felt about this.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... (I was in the third grade.) My maternal
grandfather was diagnosed with cancer, and went through excruciating
treatments. He was in his early 60s. I remember him being at
home and the hospital. He passed away at the hospital. I was not
allowed to see him while he was in the hospital. I have always heard
that it was a painful death. My mother never talked about it much.
It was difficult on her. I heard many people say many good things
about my grandfather, yet I still wish I knew him more than I did.
Sometimes I sit and think about him. I cling to stories of him
that my grandmother and father tell me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling sadness and grief, but that being utterly overshadowed by a
feeling of joy and knowing how much the Lord is with us. How blessed
with my grandfather's presence we've been. . . There are no words
to describe the sense of peace that seems present in the house
where is dying.
--What I think my (united states) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that we can talk about it. That we need not fear it so much like
we do. That people need to quit being scared to reach out to those
who are grieving. . .
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how tender, loving and sweet the relationship my grandparents have
is. Right up until the end, she sleeps with my dying grandfather in
the bed. She does anything for him, and there seems to be this love
and strength that does not exhaust. How important they seem to be
to one another. I see how both my grandparents want their family to
be there. . . and I think how they have never tried to amass great
material wealth, how they never made work more important than family
and God. . . How unpretentious and wonderful their lives have been.
How blessed I am to be a part of this. How thankful I am to the
Lord for His intervention and love.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking to my family. Sharing with them the concerns I have.
The memories. I want so badly to have a part of my grandfather to
carry with me always. . . Trying to focus on my grandmother and
what she is going through is also helping me. Trying to help her
is important. Listening is so important.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing that individual be scared of death for fear of leaving
us behind. But at least that is a tribute to the love we have for
one another. You never want to leave someone you love.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Hold that person if possible. Touch them. Tell them you are with
them always and you aren't leaving them.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
prayed and prayed on the way to see my grandfather one of the last
times. . . I had no idea how I would deal with his passing away.
I wanted to say and do the right things that would comfort him.
He has always loved hymns, and I ended up singing hymns for him.
I was so scared and insecure. And shaking. BUt I thought of the
Lord and how there wasn't anything wrong with my singing and the
message this music sent to my grandfather. I'd like to think that
it comforted him. He could barely speak, but he liked it and wanted
me to sing more. He smiled at me, and I will never ever forget that.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I thought my grandfather might be scared to die.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughing is fine. I haven't laughed about death or my grandfather's
passing. We laughed about other things and jokes. . . we laughed
talking about all the good times we'd had in the past. For a
small moment we felt liberated and it was evidence of God's joy
and presence in our lives.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I can't think of anything.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
speak to him and tell him I love him so much. And give him a kiss
and just hold his hand. I was glad I could be with my grandmother
when she needed so much support.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandfather would speak. I wanted to know what he was thinking.
And very trivial to some was being in the same room with him,
sitting on the floor beside the bed where he lay, and picking up
a pin stuck in the carpet and keeping it (afraid to part with it)
and swearing I'd keep it always.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
how frail he looked.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I was child and I would sit in my grandfather's lap. . . when
I hear Christian hymns, I listen to the words more intently
because they have had so much meaning for my grandfather. . .
when I think about my father and how much his family means to him,
how I so want to help him and my relatives through this time. . .
how God has blessed us immensely beyond our wildest dreams. I get
teary from little things that remind me of this time.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
In heaven, I'd be with Jesus and my relatives and others who
believed. I don't know what heaven looks like or feels like,
but there is no pain and suffering or sin.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I just wanted to understand death. I wanted to know why we have
such a hard time with it.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just die in place of my grandfather. I wish I could make everything
all right and back to the way it used to be. I wish I could just
cry and cry.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried because of the void in my life I felt. I also searched for
things about him to remember. I wanted so badly to pay tribute
to him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did what they could
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice was wonderful. They encouraged my grandmother so much,
and they made us aware of what was going on. . . we were able to
concentrate on making my grandfather comfortable.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support. Prayer means so much to us.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian (Baptist)
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
. . . I feel that God created humans in His image. He gave us
each spirits. So yes, we all have a spirit. I do not think that
everyone goes to heaven. I don't have all the answers, but I believe
that if you believe in Jesus as your Savior sent by God to redeem
us all from our sins on the cross, YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN.
--Regarding MONEY:
sure, we had to pay for things. But that was nothing in the face
of what we experienced. Everyone was willing to pitch in, and my
grandparents had planned ahead. As far as I knew, money was not
an issue.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loss of appetite/ceasing to eat/drink glassy/teary eyes blank
staring talking about or to loved ones that have died before
loss of interest in world around them purplish around the joints,
etc may be disoriented aggitated movements (moving around with no
intent) saying some things that seem to show they aren't thinking
"straight", but then suddenly a few days before death, perhaps
becoming clear-minded
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I wanted to help and be there for whomever needed me whenever
they needed me. I constantly thought about what was happening.
I worried and tried to pray a lot. I didn't feel like eating or
stopping to do anything. . . I just wanted to focus on my family.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
(has not died yet, but is slipping away so this has not played out
as much yet), but my grandfather has mentioned his mother.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I had a neighbor once who claimed to "see the light". I once
attended a church where a minister (he wrote a book about when
children die) talked to me about the death of his daughter, and
how she had a peaceful expression on her face when she died and
how one of the last things she said was, "Jesus is here with us."
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel resolved currently about issues with this loved one. We
always wish for more time with the person of course.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd say, "I love you so much, and I want to go with you. I want
everything to stay like it was when I was a child. I am coming
after you someday and we will be together. Please don't be
scared. It's okay! Jesus will be holding you the moment you die!"
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My own death scares me a little. I know I am going to heaven,
but there are so many things I want to do first. I want to have
children. Etc. Death makes me wonder about the purpose of life.
If I were to die soon. . .I wouldn't want to know. I hope I am
not forgotten after my death. BUT I hope the people that knew and
loved me will rejoice in the life that God gave to me!
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My relationship with my relatives is stronger. My grandparents'
neighbor came over alot and spent time just talking with my
grandmother. . .
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I truly believe that Jesus is waiting to hold those who trust in
Him in his arms as we pass from this life to our eternal one.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
For a long time, I felt like it was "cruel" to my mother to bring my
grandfather up in conversation or ask about him even though I wanted
so desperately to feel like I was a part of him, his life, etc.
and he was a part of me.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just having someone listen and to talk with. To hug me. To be
able to laugh too. And cry with.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped a lot. Still being in the process of watching my loved
one die. . . this will help me to know that there is nothing wrong
with my thoughts and feelings.
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Tue Oct 19 08:35:16 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
just looking through the internet and bamm! there you were!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was at the ywca with my entire family and
some friends. Everyone was getting ready to leave and despite my
parents refusal I approached the deep in just to stick my foot
in. All I remember was being under the water and not knowing where
I was until my dad grabbed my and gave me cpr after my heart was
stopped for almost 2 1/2 minutes.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
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Mon Oct 18 22:22:20 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
My friend is always on your page and he told I should go to It.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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Mon Oct 18 19:49:03 1999
F30 in Alva, OK =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Hospice Director, Registed Nurse
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Kubler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Septic Infection related to long-term Rheumatoid Arthritis;
Aged: 56.
--Details:
I have some unresolved bitterness due to the fact that his case
was mishandled and I know he was very ill but probably woudn't have
had to die if he would have recieved proper treatment.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a painful and confusing process that takes our loved ones away.
I have to believe we will be reunited someday in the afterlife,
and that they go to a better place, where there is no suffering.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and it wasn't explained to me, they left me out of
the process.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was 5 years old when my 18 year old
step-brother was killed in a MVA. I was watching my Dad when
he answered the phone, to get the bad news, that was the last it
heard... I wasnt taken to the funeral, and didnt' really get it
till years later when I ran across an article with the picture of
the car wreck.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
wanting to talk about it and other people being very uncomfortable
about it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that suffering and ignorance are more frightening than Death.
It is a natural process, that with education and support can be a
positive experience for the person and family.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my Dad didn't have to become an invalid, or in worse condition
than he was when he died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
At the time I recieved little support because I was in college
full-time, my husband worked out of town and we had a 9 month old.
I read alot and cried alot. I believe a support group or if my
Mom would have been able to talk about it would have been the
best support.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the aching lonliness and sense of immense loss, picking up the
phone to call them, wanting to share my children's lives with him..
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Tell them you love them and that it is okay to let go, that we will
manage without them, we don't want them to suffer and we will always
love them. Hold their hand and mean it.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
endured his illness, death and dying and that it can be so much
better for others. It is the opposite way of the way it can be.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the funeral and after he died. All the people and commotion but
yet no one really talked about why they were there.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Didn't apply.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
change everything, from the beginning of his hospitalization, if I
would have been more medically literate at the time and demanded
better care, transfer to a closer hospital if he was going to
die.. to get him out of ICU, and all the acute medical care... to
allow more time and closure for the family.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I can't say, i have anything to say here.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The last night he was alive, the Dr.s had told us weeks earlier
that he was not aware of anything, he had been restrained and on a
vent. they had thought he had had a stroke following surgery and was
unresponsive. I told him that night that I wished he could stay to
see the boys grow- because my son looked so much like him. At that
time I saw a tear slide down his face. So I knew he was aware.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I feel like a person is not being treated openly and honestly and
is not recieveing the care they deserve, I get emotional (angry)
because I want that memory of their dying to be a positive experience
for the living.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I might not have finished college- I had to just to show everyone
I wouldn't give up when he died. Also I am a Hospice Director and
a R.N. I'm not sure if I would be nearly as passionate about my
work if I wouldn't have endured his dying.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
many times. Mostly because of my Dad's age, and he should have been
alive at least another 20 years. When I see people abusing their
good health and life when they should be grateful for the gift,
when all my Dad wanted was to be healthy so he could work and be
with his family.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back one more day and let him see how it all has turned out.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
it was always real, because he had been ill so long, but it took
along time for the weight of his absence to hit. Holidays that
first year were bad.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Disappointment and anger. I had a very bad experience. I think
Hospice is a wonderful thing- but I want to see tradiional medicine
become more aware of spirituality, the importance of family, and
always treating the patient like a person.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Didn't have access at the time. My Dad was treated much too
aggressively, and wouldn't want the same thing again.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
at the time, it was not as much comfort as it is now. I can't say
I believe in "Organized Religion" anyway.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
absolutely true.
--Regarding MONEY:
it didn't really pertain.... my Dad had no insurance, he had
made no plans, we basically were taken on a whirlwind ride by the
medical est.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I wished all those people would have been there for the 25 years
of my Dad's illness and the last year esp, for support and guidance.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I know them all by heart, confusion, less appetite, not eating,
drinking, less activity or more-- terminal agitation etc.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It iw a very personal experience and all people go through it in
a personal way.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he did not respond- he was unable to talk. But I have expereinced
this with others and find great comfort in this.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I had an excellent relationship with my Dad.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
That he is proud of me and likes the way I represent our family.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
When my son was just beginning to talk he would be chattering all
alone in a room and looking up, when I would ask him what he was
doing he would say he was talking to Grandpa. (He was 9 months
when he died). He did this for quite a while.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Always respect their wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have always thought about this, from a very early age. I want my
wishes known and I want to be able to have quality in my final days.
I want to be at home, and I want to be in charge.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
my career is my coping- being able to talk openly about death and
dying, and my emotions almost daily.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
See above, that and an appreciation for my life. I talk with my
small children about death and dying and it is not a taboo subject.
We have discussed my wishes, etc. I want them to be prepared.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My husband and I were married almost 2 years and I believe this
bonded us together. Plus it opened up room for my Mom and my
relationship which before was in my Dad's shadow.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
Time and belief system
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
Just the fact that our culture does not openly discuss death
and dying
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
To involve me in any activity, I spent a few years being very
reclusive, depressed.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
These issues are pretty fresh in my mind all the time,
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Mon Oct 18 08:55:58 1999
M37 in Hartsville, SC =USA=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Surfing for info on folklore
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Prof/Studies: Social work professional/MSW student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
no
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 20 ago.
Cause of Death: failed kidney transplant; Aged: 45.
--Details:
My dad had been very ill for several years. The process of organ
transplantation was still relatively new. The anti-rejection drugs
had not been developed yet. It wasn't unusual for my mom and I to
go and be with him when he had a medical crisis. This time my mom
went alone. I was told of his death by a family member.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of having physical presence. We simply stop exisiting as
a physical person and our soul, the part of us that is energy and
spirit, moves on to a greater existance.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was a child and felt bewildreed at the whole process.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father died when I was 17 from complications
related to a kidney transplant. He'd been very sick for several
years.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling utterly alone. I'm an only child, my paprents were divorced,
amicably so, but I remember thinking that my mother had no right
to mourn him...he was MY daddy, she'd left him, so what right did
she have to express any grief.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to demystify death. We tend to not talk directly about it
until after it happens. There is a lot of talking about the funeral
process, but not much at all about the dying.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The discovery that I carry my father in my heart, he is always a
part of me and every thing that I do.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My willingness to explore the feelings I'd clung to. And the
helpfullness if those around me who listened without feeling the
need to solve it for me, who let me come to my realizations at my
own pace in my own time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The feeling of utter and complete loss. My life is VASTLY diffrent
from what it would have been had my father lived. I've learned to
embrace that difference as part of the grande scheme of things,
but I sometime still feel a tinge of regret and longing for the
life I would have lived if my dad were still with me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Giving the person support (and if needed) permission to move on,
to let go, and give up the fight, assuring them that I'd be ok,
and that I'd continue to be there in the lives of those persons
the dying individual was leaving behind.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
came to grips with the gaping hole that his death left in my life.
I was the quintessential "daddy's girl". I had to redefine for
myself and the world who I was. That was a wonderful terrible
journey, but a necessary one that I'm not sure I would have ever
made without having experiencing the loss.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
At the funeral, it felt so surreal. I was completely numb. I kept
having these terribly intrusive random thoughts about who was there,
and what I was wearing...(I hated the dress). I just wanted to be
out of there.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I nevr experienced anything like that
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Without a doubt... say goodbye to my daddy. I loved him more than
I've ever loved anyone and I didn't have a chance to tell him before
he died, and yeah, I know he knew, but I NEEDED to say it to him,
so I could know he knew..
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I can't identify anything that went so much better
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Can't remember anything specific
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
all the fuss over the funeral arrangements
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize my children will never know the love of my dad.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I'd have the love and support from himn that I miss so much.
Having my ad with me would give me extra motivation to strive
to achieve my dreams. I can't put it into words but I fell very
strongly that life would not have been nearly as chaalenging with
him in my life, I would have avoided some of the pitfalls of life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
MY dad had to die. He was such a fun person. everyone loved him.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have him with me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
That's just it, I did not begen that understanding or acknowlegement
until many years later
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
My father simply didn't live long enough for medical advancements
to catch up with him. The transplant he had is now done almost
routinely.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no hospice involvement
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support
--Religious Affiliation:
Presbyterian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
completely right. It is in a large sense my belief in that
universality of death that helped me come to grips with how I was
experiencing the loss.
--Regarding MONEY:
After my father's death, there was a huge lifestyle change for me.
I had been always provided for and even pampered, but when he died,
all that changed. I've never been sure what exactly happened,
but apparently he died without having made any specific provisions
for me.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my friends coming, it meant a lot
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the funeral
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I'm not sure
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It was a long, process, I could have used help, but didn't know
how to ask, and no one seemed to know I was hurting so much.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have none.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
No, never
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel like I've made my resolutions.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
No
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I did once, years after my father's death, have him visit in a dream.
It was very clear, which is in itself unusual for me I rarely dream
in sequence, it's more often flashes that make no sense to me at all.
In this dream, he took me by the hand and showed me his new home,
it was beautiful and tranquil and he seemed very happy, he told me
he was alright, and I awoke from it feeling very sure that I'd been
with him.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The funeral should be somthing I'm involved in I want a celebration
of my life, not simply a way to mark my death.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Only that I've come to find happiness and fufillment. If I knew
I was going to die soon, I'd feel anxiety for my loved ones and
concern about how my death would affect them.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Nothing in particular, I simply celebrate the woman I've become
and remember that part of me that is my father.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
No, not really.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
None
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
As I grew older I realized I needed to deal with the unresloved
grief I'd held on to for 20 years.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
I was also very VERY angry. I'd never been told that he could die.
I think that if he or someone (my mom) had saod that to me I might
have been better prepared for the possibility.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
If someone, anyone had asked me how I was feeling.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was useful, in that I was able to reflect on my feelings in a
very global way. It allowed me to take real look at how I am today,
and to confirm for me that I'm ok.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Oct 18 03:46:05 1999
M19 in Bangor, Wales =Great Britain=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo search engine
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Prof/Studies: Zoology student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 17.
--Details:
It wasn't necessary. It was hard to come to terms with even though
I didn't know her that well.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
th end of being what we are.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was stunned and silenced.
--That first time, how it happened was
I lived in a small town. Old women was run over by a lorry while
crossing the road.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
breaking down one week afterwards. People didn't know how to react
to me after the death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
one friend who comforted me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Understanding why, and also blaming myself partially
--Religious Affiliation:
None.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Looking at the picture of the person and knowing that the person
was no longer with us.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would feel angry as I would think that it wasn't my time to go.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I locked myself in my room for the duration of the funeral and
didn't have the radio on. In this time I just reflected about what
she meant to me in the time that I knew her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Beliving that it won't matter in the scheme of things when I'm gone.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
Scared when I was a young child
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It certainly raised some questions that I havn't thought of
before. It was helpful to re-think the memories about her death.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
How would you feel if someone very close to you died suddenly and
without warning?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Oct 17 22:21:07 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i typed in death tests to yahoo cuz i was in a weird mood.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: alzheimers; Aged: 70.
--Details:
it took forever. it seemed to never end.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life as we know it, where you lose your soul and
physically and mentally, cease to be.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
accepted it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... i know a lot of people who have died and the
only one that really bothered me was my grandfather, but after and
before that, it's like i am calloused to it mentally.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it just trips me out that i know so many people who have died.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's not a bad thing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
death of people who deserve death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
i just accept it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Zoning Out
i don't really not accept it, i think i am cut off.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Oct 17 22:17:23 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i typed in death tests to yahoo cuz i was in a weird mood.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... i know a lot of people who have died and the
only one that really bothered me was my grandfather, but after and
before that, it's like i am calloused to it mentally.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
i just accept it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Zoning Out
i don't really not accept it, i think i am cut off.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Oct 16 15:39:42 1999
M28 in denton, tx =usa=
Name: riley roden
Email: <mroden-at-twu.edu>
Web: http://decapolis.iuma.com
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: composer
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
r moody
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
r moody
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 9 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: c80.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a radical change the most of us know little about.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was puzzled
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the shock
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
its natural, not to fear it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it sure made me think about my own life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mom
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fear
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them know you love them
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
?
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I fear my own death
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
stress breakers
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time w/ him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
survive it
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
?
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
?
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
be less fearfull
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why couldn't have been my dad
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hide
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
did the best I could
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
sadness
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
formality
--Religious Affiliation:
just a human/free thinker
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
quite reasonable
--Regarding MONEY:
no factor
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
all the people at the house after the funeral, it was terrible.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Prescription Drugs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Sat Oct 16 11:29:30 1999
F18 in guelph, ontario =canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Twin, 1 yr, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: car accidetn; Aged: 16.
--Details:
fraternal twin brother was stillborn, identical twin sister died
a year ago.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of someone's physical existence on earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was unaware of it because I was too young.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my fraternal twin brother was still born.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
seeing the car accident, and the sounds.
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's finality.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my brother never had to live, and that my sister doesnt have to.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
believing it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i woke up in the morning from a dream that "everything was normal"
and the few minutes when i was awake and believed it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that it was quick and painless
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
every significant (or not so significant) event makes me wonder
about how she should have been here forit, how it would be different
if she were here cause we'd be doing it all together, and how she
missed out on so much that she shouldn't have.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
its not fair is a repetitive constant thought
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they didnt do anything.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing, i'm not religious.
--Religious Affiliation:
none.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like bullshit.
--Regarding MONEY:
money wasn't an issue for any of it, but my fathers till managed
to be bitter over it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i didn't go to the funeral.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
weren't any.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i dont really know of any,b ut when the acident happened i felt a
painful burning sensation move all the way throuhg my body (the
car exploded but i wasnt in it, just my sister was).. but after
i just felt nothing for a bit, and then warm again, like a good
warm. From past experience from when she was alive, we had this
uncanny connection where no matter where we were, if one was hurt
the other could feel it, so i figure maybe i felt part of her pain,
but the fact that it wnet away so fast, maybe there was something
there that helped her..
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i dont really have any unresolved issues, i wish i had been able
to say goodbye, and i wish i had been able to stop it cause i feel
that it was my fault,
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
id' say goodbye, and apologize.. i'm not sure it would help anything
now though.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I occasionaly see my sister in dreams where I know she's dead (vs
the dreams where i think she's still alive), and they're usually
surprisingly comforting.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
wills etc should be made well in advance.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
if i found out that i was going to die soon, i'd be relieved, but
I dont think i would tell anyone because i don't like to know that
other people are dying.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
nothing constructive.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
having someone neutral to the event may have been nice.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Oct 16 07:14:18 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 17 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: don't know; Aged: 32.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
ending of one life and start of another.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know what it was about.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I don't know Mother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
people hiding something from me.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to talk openly about it to children at a young age so that they
can deal with it more quickly.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
getting on with the rest of my life and the support of my friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
People igmoring the fact that the person actually ever existed.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
adolescence, trying to find out who you are.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it's easier to laugh at things and not to take them seriously.
You leave your grieving in a little box and open it when you really
want to open it and deal with it yourself.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
learn to mature quickly with my experiences.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scream and shout as loud as I can.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
haven't got over it yet as my family never talk about it, and I
don't know how she died.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Oct 16 00:00:21 1999
F21 in toronto, ontario =canada=
Name: Ana Ivet Las
Email: <anaivet-at-hotmail.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
went to yahoo.com then to entertainment, then here.
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Prof/Studies: bussiness admin, student
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More personal info:
i would not like my e-mail adress posted please, thank you.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
flower in the attic
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
v.c. andrews
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 34.
--Details:
he died instantly after a six car crash in a high way, the only
casualty. he left two kids and a wife, lots of brothers, sisters
and both parents.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the body quits working and eventually rots and dicomposes. it is
believed by most of us that our spirit, our esence of being, goes on
to a different place wich some people call heaven or if you're bad,
hell. i particularly believe that you create your own afterlife,
if there is one.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt sad cause i would miss her. but i did believe without a doubt
in god and angels, which helped me feel happy for her, also the
knowledge that she would suffer no more helped.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my dad's mom died, i was lied to for like
a year, they told me she went on vacation, i loved her very much
but by the time i knew the truth, it didn't hurt so much, i barely
remembered her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling sorry for him, for all the things he would miss, his children
growing up, his family. i also felt sorry for his family cause he
was very loved and needed by them. the thing i thought the most was,
this is unfair.
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to let go. most people i know will hold on to the memory of the dead
in a way that is not even healthy. especially wifes. they dress in
black, sometimes for the rest of their lifes. it's like they carry
the burden of the deaths on their back.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i don't understand this question.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the word of god, the hope that i can always count on him. also i
think that even if there is no life after death. i will do my best
to live it well. to enjoy it and embrace it while i can.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
trusting, that it was the best thing, and that everything happens
for a reason.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye.
--Religious Affiliation:
roman catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i feel like i believe in a spirit and that it lives on, but that
there is no one that can explain what happens to us when we die, i
don't think that the heaven/hell thing is completely accurate. it
can't be because i don't know anyone who is totally good or
totally bad.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
grief.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the body in front of me is no longer my friend.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
when my grandmother died, i wasn't told about it. on the day of
her death i saw my father cry and was told a good friend of his had
died. i turned around and in a flash, saw my dead grandmother holding
my newborn baby brother. sitting on my parents bed. i told my mom
this, and she started cryin, i thought it was weird, but thought
nothing of it. i was 6, and now i know how really weird it was.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
when i was almost six, my family took us to the beach. the pacific
ocean in my country of Guatemala. i went in too deep and couln't
swim. my short little life flashed in front of my eyes, horrible
fear and a feeling of helplessness surrounded me, i was drowning,
i stoped fighting and gave up, i sank to the bottom with my eyes
wide open, and felt a peace inside me, maybe even happiness. then i
saw an angel coming at me, his big stong hands pulled me out of the
water, it was my father. i puked water with sand, and passed out. i
haven't forgoten how fragile life is, even then i realised it. even
then, i promised myself to enjoy every minute and live it well.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
when my grandmother died, my mom swears that she was alone in the
house. she felt that someone threw sand on the door and window. so
she went out to see who it was, when she was at the door, she heard
inside the two pairs of scissors she had on the sowing machine
crash against each other repeatedly, she went in to check and heard
sand again on the door. she prayed and ignored it. it was 12:00pm,
the exact time of death. she believes my grandma was asking for
forgiveness to all the things she made my mom go through.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
when i die, i want people to say, i knew her very well, she was
like this and like that, i admired her and loved her. she will be
missed by me and all who knew her. i want it to be sincere.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i don't wanna know about it, it scares me, but i accept it. it is
present in my mind all the time, i'm happier when i don't think
about it. i believe if you can't help it, why worry?
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
thinking of them in heaven, happy and young and without hunger,
or pain.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i try to remind myself to be gratefull for everything and every
day of my life, i try to be good and happy, for me, which is all
i really got.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
belief in heaven and angels
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i am very in touch with my feelings so i did not find anything new
about me. i hope it might help someone else though, or maybe even
me, to perhaps view death as something more positive.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Oct 15 15:04:04 1999
F52 in , =Canada=
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Prof/Studies: secretary,historian,genealogist
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More personal info:
Memories last forever. Take time show compassion to some one when
some one close to them dies.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: alzheimers & lung cancer; Aged: 82 yrs..
--Details:
With the last two years my mother - age 82 years, by boss - age
54 yrs died from cancer of the optic nerve & then the brain and my
best friend age 70 died of cancer of the pancreas. Three people in
too short of time period.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
so final. You will never see that person's face, hear their voice
or feel their love and compassion again in your physical life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was about five years old and was quite stunned.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was an old neighbour man that as a family we went to visit. It
was the first funeral I ever attended and I felt distance towards
this death because it was not family.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the feeling of rejection because they had left me.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is alright to cry.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I knew these three people and they all left wonderful memories
for me to cherish.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my youngest sister who was always there when I needed some one to
talk to. Also prayer.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that I could not see them again or talk to them on the telephone.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to tell them that you love them with all your heart.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
know that her hand is on my shoulder and that even though she is
not here with me I feel her presence.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my boss and my best friend also died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
did not experience laughter
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
do something very special for them
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see each of the three people and share with them how important that
they were to me during my life.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people gave me and hug and said nothing
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
no comment
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
a special occasion or celebration arrives and they can't share it
with me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would still have a very close relationship with these three people.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I felt that it was very unfair for three people whom I talked to
and saw weekly were taken away within two years.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
refill the emptiness with happiness.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was able to cry.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
compassion.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
my youngest sister had my mother live with her family for the last
8 months, my boss died in his home with his family at his side,
my friend died in the hospital unexpectedly, he had a heart attack
before the cancer killed him.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that God understands how we feel and that some day those of us who
have repented for our sins we will be together for ever with God.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist-Lutheran and my father was a Dutch Mennonite
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
peacefulness
--Regarding MONEY:
we did the best we could
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the music which was sung by family members
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the ridiculous actions of the eldest child in the family
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the slow process of dying
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
let me cry but hold me close even if you don't understand my feeling
of emptiness.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my sister and I were sitting on the bed which my mother was laying
in and she saw a light which neither myself or my sister saw. We
were surprised and could not really understand but we felt she knew
her death was near.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My father died when he was 59 years old. The evening before he died
I had a dream that he was sinking in quick sand. One day later he
died in his sleep due to a heart attack.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
if my boss would not have died I would still have my job. Later
the office was relocatd to a different city.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
You were so right mom in many of the things that we talked about. You
too daddy - You were the best parents that I could have ever had. My
boss - I know you wanted to live forever and we worked well together
for 7-1/2 years.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I thought I saw my father in a hallway shortly after he had died. I
have not received in signs from my mother, my boss or friend.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think we should respect the wishes of anyone if they have told
you in advance.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am able to look death "square in the face" but prefer no life
support.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
In spring at Easter I go to their graves, wash their monuments pull
the grass from around the grave and place a laminated poem on a
stack near my parents grave.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no comment
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
a cousin who just lost her father and is now close to losing
her mother
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Be there to listen and give lots of hugs. Sometimes people just
need to talk about how they feel - the emptiness, lonliness.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I did not mind filling out this questionaire and may be some how
it will help other people.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no comments or suggestions
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Fri Oct 15 13:15:48 1999
M25 in madison, wi =USA=
Name: Robert T Cramer
Email: <rcramer-at-farin.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Finance professional
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2.5 ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 80.
--Details:
She was just doing fine but she had complications and had to stay
in the hospital for a couple of nights and on the second night she
past away. But this was very easy for me to deal with because I
had closure. She told my Dad the night before she died that I was
her special grandson. I think that in order to have healthy grief
one must have closure with the person who passes away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
for some an end, for some it is something to fear, for some its a
begining and others a relief
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad because I miss them.
--That first time, how it happened was
My first experience with dying was when I went hunting with my Dad.
This is not the death of a person but with an animal. My Dad wounded
a pheasent and I carried it around all day with me. At the end of
the day, we had to kill it. I tried to break its neak by holding
onto the head and spinning the body but I couldn't get the neck to
break so my Dad's friend had to do it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I felt comfortable and that I knew my grandmother loved me and
that I loved her. I am glad we had a lot of time together and we
had a lot of fun and I smile when I think of her and what a great
individual she was.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to learn how to grieve and how to experience life more fully and
how to treat better so that when death occurs everyone can be happy
that they knew you or that they could spend time with each other
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
death gives us perspective and makes us mortal, I try and live my
life morally and ethically so people can have good times with me,
because my parents will not be here forever and I want to have them
know I love them and vice versa
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
love
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing them, missing the moments of just sitting around and
chatting, how they smell, how they talk, how they are, who they are
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be there to support and listen and care
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
had adequate closure and that how much of difference that makes
when you have a chance to say goodbye
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
before the fact
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
only of funny memories
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see her and go grocery shopping with my grandmother
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know that my grandmother sent me a message
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my dad told me that the night before my grandma died she told my
dad that I was her special grandson
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i think about that when I think of both my grandpa's who passed
away before I had really good memories of them
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it never is
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we all die, doesnt matter if your the richest or poorest, smartest
or dumbest
--Regarding MONEY:
no effect
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was a good atmosphere
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
open coffin, my grandma look as if she was sleeping and I remember
that my grandpa's mustache was shaved and he always had a mustache
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
dont know
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
it would be nice to say goodbye
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i often have dreams of my grandpa in which he's alive and i'm so
very very happy to see him and its been so long and I feel so filled
with joy its wonderful
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want them to know that my life was only wonderful because of all
the wonderful and amzing people i met and loved. I want them to
cherish life and those they love because our life is not for us
but it is for others and the positive impact we can have on them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
When I die I hope to be remebered as loving and caring individual.
But I believe that when we die we are dirt. As far as i know nothing
happens, its like turning off a computer or any other machine.
This does not make me sad or want to live a life of crime because
I see it as my duty to live an ethical and moral life and to be a
nice guy to lend a hand to people who need it
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
see above, i knew my grandma loved me and i loved her, no more
was needed
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
my dad was comforting
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
it was really sad how I held so close to the warmth of life and to
end life so quickly and indifferently
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
All i want people to know is that I love them and I was glad they
were a part of my life
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was cool
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Oct 15 05:53:03 1999
F22 in , OH =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo search: Death Test
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
His Bright Light
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Danielle Steel
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: Suicide; Aged: 20.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when someone leaves and we never see them again until we go to
the afterlife.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young girl it was my neighbor.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was a neighbor a very nice lady that I
liked a lot.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Utter grief and sadness. I felt bad for the family for the guy
who died because he suffered from a disease before he killed himself.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to deal with the wishes of the dead. Creamation, etc.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
Thoughts of the afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
My wish to have been able to prevent it
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Thu Oct 14 15:03:07 1999
F40 in Jackson, Wyoming =USA=
Name: Kathleen Cunningham
Email: <cunningham-at-smswy.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Medical Investigator
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More personal info:
Feel free to contact me. I would be interested in comparing my
responses with the responses of others.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Embraced by the Light
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: breast cancer; Aged: 54.
--Details:
Once she was given her original diagnosis, she lived for nine years.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Life does not end, it merely changes. We leave behind our physical
body and our spirit or soul lives on.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I remember everyone praying and wailing while my mother was dying.
Nothing was explained to me and as she got very sick, I was sent
away to stay with an aunt.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mother died when I was 2. From what I've
been told, I became depressed, refusing to eat or speak.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
That when my sister died, she did so with joy in her heart about
"going home". I remember bathing the body after death and annointing
her with lotion - it was a wonderful act of love and bonding.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it should not be unexpected and dreaded. We take lessons in
parenting, childbirth, premarital counseling, but no one instructs us
how to die in a positive way. We need to lessen the denial that is
so prevalent in our society and deal with death in a more tangible,
"in your face" way.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The opportunity to bathe my sister after she had died and the chance
to sing at her memorial service - something I had been too shy
to do before her death. It was a wonderful spiritual experience.
I felt her presence and she was filled with joy.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Allowing myself to grieve in my own way at my own pace. Not putting
any pressure on myself to have certain grief stages "done" in any
certain time frame.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that it would be a long time before I would see her again,
and worrying about how her children would do without her. I lost
my mother very young and this impacted my entire life. It was
terribly hard to see people I love in so much pain and wanting to
share with them the joy in the situation and not being very eloquent
in expressing it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
"Being present" for them is very important. I let her know that
she was going to have a wonderful journey and that it would be
a great adventure. I let her know that she was not going to be
forgotten and that she MATTERED while she was here. I told her
that she will be missed and that we would see each other again soon.
--[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
BE THERE. LISTEN. TOUCH. Do not be afraid to broach the
subject with the dying person. Address any fears or concerns.
Encourage the expression of feelings or fears. Assure the person
that they MATTERED and positively impacted the world and would not
be forgotten.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My sister was worsening rapidly, but kept medical information
from us. The end came sooner than we were emotionally prepared for.
I wish that she had been more honest.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I had no problem with laughter. What a life affirming sound.
I disapproved of folks being silent and "walking on eggs". Where
there is life, there is a whole range of feelings and emotions.
Being ourselves and being comfortable with who we are and what was
happening, I believed, was of some comfort to the dying person.
The fact that there was left, meant to me that it should be lived,
not stifled.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Sing for her while she was still alive. Let her know how very much
she had impacted my life and how much I liked, loved, admired and
respected her. I wished that I had been there more for her during
her illness, but miles separated us and we did not have as much
contact as I would have liked.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Sing at the memorial service. We planned the service and I had no
intention of singing - it just came to me at the end of the service
and I raised my hand and asked to sing. It really felt as though an
otherwordly presence had given me the confidence to sing in front of
all those people. The song was joyful and every time I hear it now,
I think of her. (Uncloudy Day)
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my sister breathed out and did not breathe back in. The finality of
the physical body was made clear and the spiritual event happening
in the room was made so obvious by the lack of life in the body,
but that now she was "everywhere".
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
looking great in the casket. I felt that she having her look like
she was sleeping was somehow deceptive. She was dead and we needed
to be reminded of that in a very real way.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see her children struggle without their mom. In a store, I see
the perfume she wore for sale. At Christmas and birthday, I still
want to shop and get something that I know she would really like.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We would be spending more time together and sharing more of our
lives. She would know more about what she meant to me and how I
was blessed to have her in my life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the kids are left without a mom and that their dad split
when my sister got her diagnosis of cancer. Then he comes to
the service and put a bouquet of daisies in her hand, which was
what she had at her wedding. I felt angry. "Where have you been
through all the chemotherapy and treatments and pain?" I felt
that he did not deserve to be able to show up after she dies and
act like the grieving widower. That was very difficult for me
to tolerate. I was able to be civil and even loving, but it took
devine intervention for me to do.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have a chat with her. I do "pray" to her, but I miss her responses.
The one way conversation is quite lonely.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
found peace and comfort. I felt good by being able to help
others through the process without being judgmental or critical.
I found myself speaking about the person in the past tense, which
was awkward at first. I found myself not being tempted to make that
weekly phone call to her - that she was really gone. I found myself
"praying" to her and feeling connected.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
only a superficial attempt to address the emotional, social,
spiritual and "touchy feely" aspects of the process. At the end,
I sensed care providers distancing themselves from the dying person
and somewhat from the family.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
the hospice care was only fair. I have volunteered in hospices and
thought I knew what they should be doing and saying. They seemed
to fall short of my expectations and I felt that they were being
cold and clinical about the death - when so much more, spiritually,
was happening. I don't feel that the medical community, at least in
her case, was THERE for her or the family. I then felt obligated
to do what I would do in a hospice situation, when this death was
my own flesh and blood. I was glad for my hospice skills. I know
for certain that I was able to answer medical questions and explain
the process so they would know what to expect. I'm glad I had the
skills, but it did interfere with the way I dealt with the death
and dying.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
One of the most comforting things I experienced with her dying
process was a chat with her minister. He told me that the last time
she was physically able to attend church, the choir was singing and
he looked up and saw her "dancing" with the joy of "going home".
The comfort this brought to me is immeasureable.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian, denominations really don't matter to me.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
We are all God's children and we all have a spirit or a soul.
Life does not end, it merely changes and the spiritual part of us
goes on.
--Regarding MONEY:
we needed to get the kids registered with social security right
away so they could get their dependent child payments. It also
forced us into contact with the absentee father to reassess what
his obligation to the children would be.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was the most joyful service I have ever attended. It was much
more of a celebration of a life well lived than the mourning of a
life lost. The knowledge that she was no longer in pain and was
in the form her creator wanted her to have was a true source of joy.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The withdrawal of the hospice and medical people at the time right
before, during and immediately after the death. My sister wasn't
dead five minutes, it seemed, before they were packing up equipment
and medications, etc. It seemed wierd to me.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the changes in the quality of breathing. Coloring changes.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
letting myself go at my own pace and in my own way was very
important. I did not allow self-criticism of my grieving process
and didn't allow me to "should on" myself.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
were not detectable to me, unfortunately. I'd love the opportunity
to talk to her about it!
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
When working in hospice, I heard stories, but I have no personal
experience with near death experience. At a prior job I worked in
a trauma center and heard many stories of near death experiences.
I noted the similarities among the stories and was overjoyed to
know that people see their deceased pets. So all dogs really do go
to heaven. If there aren't dogs in heaven, I'm just not interested!
I have used this information to comfort many people at the pain of
loosing a beloved pet.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I guess I don't really have unresolved issues. I made it a point
to try to say the important things to prayerful "conversations"
with these folks. I feel in my heart that my thoughts are heard
and taken in. I do have a regret of not being able to say goodbye
before my father died. I was planning a trip to see him and he
died before I got there. I've had little "talks" with him.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd like to tell my dad that even though we had our difficulties,
he was very influential in my life. I see things in myself that are
reflective of my dad. I would want him to know that he is forgiven
(long story) and that he is loved.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have felt my mother's presence very rarely. However, a dear
friend of mine appeared to me (not visually, but spiritually)
while I was in the woods planting a tree in her honor. She let
me know where she wanted the tree to be and wanted me to let her
family know that everything was absolutely wonderful and that she
was just fine. I honored the request which was accepted with open
arms by her family and friends. The presence was not visual, but
was undeniable in its strength and impact. I learned that I was not
afraid of the afterlife. Another dear friend was dying and said
that he had a dream, which, in no uncertain terms, was meant for me.
The message was that I needed to concentrate on FORGIVENESS. It was
totally appropriate in the context of my life then. He felt a great
urgency to tell me about the dream. He even told a friend to tell me
in case he died before he saw me again. He stressed to this person
that it was REALLY important to him that this message be conveyed.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I strongly believe in respecting the wishes of the dying. My dad
had a do not resuscitate document, but 911 was called and attempts
were made to bring him back. I will always regret that it happened
like that. Last wishes and wishes regarding death should be honored
at all cost and with respect and reverence. If you disagree with
a decision, get over it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
As an exercise in hospice training, I had to write my own eulogy.
It was a very revealing experience. Through various deaths, I have
learned that any day could be your last. I have actively tried to
incorporate this into my daily life, with my husband, people at work,
etc. When thinking about my own death, I would prefer to die as
painlessly as possible, hopefully with friends and family at my side.
I hope that deceased spirits come to me to guide me on my journey.
I want my service to be upbeat and celebratory. Wear bright colors!
Sing happy songs! I wish to be cremated and my ashes spread in
certain places. All in all, when I go to be judged, I would like
the Lord to say, "This is my daughter, in whom I am well pleased."
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Looking at pictures and old letters and cards bring back good
memories, offer the ability to have a good cry. Writing letters
to the deceased has been helpful to me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I keep photos of some of my deceased family members in the house to
remind me that they were a part of my life and cannot be forgotten.
I also have kept files on folks who have passed on. The files
contain pictures of the person, letters and cards from them,
sympathy cards, memorial service bulletins, etc.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have become much closer to my sister's children since her death.
I also think that my sister wanted me to know that by having the guts
to sing at the memorial service, that I am stronger and more capable
than I give myself credit for. This has improved my self-confidence,
which I really needed.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
A strong Christian faith has been of great comfort in my adult years.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
No one would talk about my mother to me
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I reached out by being in hospice and sharing my experiences with
others and helping others take the path to death. I do wish that
my family members were more at ease with talking about the death
and dying process. I respect their wishes to do their own thing,
but I believe if family members found it easier to be open, I
would have benefitted from that. I believe that they would too,
but I respect each individual's right to grieve their own way.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It got me thinking about how fortunate I am to have been involved
in some wonderful death and dying processes. I have learned that
people usually die the way they lived and that people grieve the
way they want to or need to. It has caused me to think harder
about being respectful of the processes that other people take to
deal with death and dying. Not everybody feels the way I do and I
must be careful about expecting people to act a certain way or to
judge the coping mechanisms of others.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I enjoyed completing the questionnaire. It got me thinking about
re-entering the field as a hospice volunteer. I quit volunteering
after 4 personal losses within a short time frame. Perhaps I
do have something to offer and should think about that. Also,
if I were doing a similar questionnaire, I would be interested in
exploring thoughts about cremation versus burial, memorial options,
tones of services, etc.
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Thu Oct 14 13:50:02 1999
F47 in houston, texas =us=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 59.
--Details:
Mom's battle began with breast cancer approximately 22 years earlier.
Numerous surgeries and varieties of cancer off and on until a
diagnosis of kidney cancer and removal of the kidney in the fall
of 1989. She was told to "go home and get everything in order".
Her determination and religious beliefs were that she would be
healed. She continued to work fulltime until the last 10 months
prior to her death. In December, she had a relapse which kept her
in the hospital in poor condition. The doctors released her to
go home with assistance from Hospice and the expectation that it
would be maybe 2 months. She continue to "live" the best she could
mentally and physically until mid-August when she deteriorated
rapidly and passed on September 10th.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My father had passed away from cancer about 11 years prior to
mom's passing. There are four of us children. During this time
there was alot of anger built up. My sister and I did not have any
contact with our 2 brothers for almost 5 years. The conclusion I
came to was that although we ranged in age from 38 - 45, it was as
though we couldn't relate to each other without mom and dad there
to "set the guidelines". It was like doing a square dance for 40
years one way and then something removed the square.
--What I think my (us) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death may bring some shock and/or sadness but I think people should
learn an acceptance that it is a good thing. I know you miss those
that have gone, but be glad that they have had the opportunity to
move ahead to a better place. I think it should be more like a
celebration similar to baptisms.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Mostly my sister. We became closer than ever. Also, during this
time I did a lot of praying and "talking" to God, Jesus, and even
my dad. I actually felt the comfort of their closeness.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I think it was finally "bringing" it out in the open and really
talking to my mom. All along everyone one ignore what the doctors
said and pretended everything was going to be okay. Finally one
day, mom and I were alone sitting at the table and we just started
talking about her dying. I remember telling her that I knew it
was an uncomfortable subject but we all needed to be open about it
and say whatever is in our hearts before it was too late. We went
on talking for along time about all sorts of things, experiences
from the past - some sad, but some that still made us laugh until
it hurt. Sometimes I worry that maybe if I hadn't pushed facing
the fact and saying the WORD she may have been here a little longer.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't avoid the dying, go visit, even cry with them if it should
arise or at least call. Don't shut them out of your life as if
they were already gone. My mom's brother would not go visit her
in the hospital nor come by her house durng the last 8 1/2 months
she was alive because he just couldn't bear it. Even at the last
she realized and question why he had not come.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Mom and dad had such an appreciation for what little accumulations
they had in life but particularly in their family. Everytime I
see something I know my mom or dad would have liked or my growing
family and grandchildren I miss them all over again and wish they
could be a part of all of it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
When I hear friends complain of aging parents/grandparents I tell
them they should count their blessings to have them. My parents
were fairly young when they died; dad was 51, mom 59. They had
finally reached a time in their earthly life they could have been
free of the burdens and started enjoying the good times.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I think all the hospice personnel we came in contact with most
definitely had the blessings of Christ on them. They brought
about a cheerful, calming affect but with auro of confidence and
self-assurance that made me feel so much more at ease with the
situation and doubts of my ability to handle it.
--Religious Affiliation:
Protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
My dad always taught us that all people are equal, that it is
not the physical body - size, shape, color, or social status that
determined what a person was. Everyone comes in the world the same
and everyone leaves the same. It is heart and soul of a person
and what they choose to do that determines if they are special, not
money or society. There are always human interest stories about
some unexpected event between people of different cultures and/or
languages where they are blessed with the ability and understand
enough to get through a crisis.
--Regarding MONEY:
Mostly being criticized by some relatives for not have a more
elaborate funeral even after we explained that it was all done
according to what my mother had decided. Some family members could
not wait to grab up whatever belongings or valuables. There were
several underhanded things done by the same family members that
could not take any time, not even one weekend a month, to help with
mom's care. The day after her funeral her house of 75% cleared out
of anything of value. Months later these same one threatened to sue
if they didn't get a fair share of the proceeds of selling the house
which was valued at less than $30,000 it was not like a big estate.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
On several occassions my mom would be elated and start telling me all
about her visits from friends or relatives she hadn't seen in years.
She would gone to say how they had been there all afternoon visiting.
I brushed it off until a particular day she a name a cousin and
said he and his little boy were there for a long time and how cute
the boy was. I knew for a fact this cousin had died approximately
3-4 years before and that some 15 or more years prior to that
he and his wife had lost a young son in some type of accident.
During the final stages of my father's life he spoke often of
his mother visiting or his father-in-law (my grandfather) who had
passed away just that past December and November (respectively);
and stating how neat it was that they could just think of where
they wanted to go and be there instantly.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My daughter was about 18 months old when my dad died. She had
been my father's favorite. He would sit for hours and hold and
rock her. My father was a deputy sheriff and buried in his uniform.
Later in the day following his funeral, I took my daughter to the
restroom (at my mom's house). She kept looking at the door and
saying "don't look at me". I kept telling her no one was there
but she insisted there was. I asked her what they looked like.
She described a thin man with black hair with blue clothes on and
said his name was Jack (not my father's name but his description).
For months she talked to Jack, usually telling him to go away
and leave her alone. One day we were in the car going down the
highway when this "argument" started again. She told me several
times that Jack wanted her to go with him and wouldn't leave her
alone for me to make him leave her alone. I told her to try to
ignore him. A few minutes later she started laughing and giggling.
I asked her what she was doing now. She said she was laughing at
the lady. I asked what lady. She answered the lady up there -
pointing to the hood of my car. I asked what the lady was doing.
She said just standing there but that she had made Jack go away
and said that he would never bother her again. I asked what this
lady looked like. She said she had a long white dress with a blue
thing over her head and a gold tie thing. My daughter was very
smart and articulate at a young age and still remembers all this.
This reaffirm my beliefs in the spirit world.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel good about the way our relationships closed on this earth.
I took the opportunity to open up with both parents and express my
feelings and appreciation for having had them as well as unfairness
to lose them too soom.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
The only incident I have personally had was at our home where
many times coming down the street I thought I saw my daughter or
at least a figure with blond hair sitting on the back side steps
to our porch but on pulling in the driveway and entering the house
she would not be there. Several times I asked or accused her of
hiding or taking off to a friends house. On numerous occassion
one or the other of us thought the other was talking to them
and would go to their room and ask "what'd you say" only to find
that either no one was there or that they hadn't said anything.
Sometimes we would see a flash of blue light go through a room.
None of these things ever made of feel scared or uncomfortable.
Then at some point it all just stopped. Sometime later I had a
yard sale and got to talking to one of the women. She told me
that her daughter had previously owned and lived on the property
and that several years prior her daughter had been killed in
an auto accident that also injured her granddaughter seriously.
The granddaughter had moved into a house down the street with her
father, aunt , and uncle; however, several months before (the day
of our conversation) the granddaughter and her father had moved to
another state. The timing of their move was remarkable close to
the time that the strange occurances around our house stopped.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I feel dying may be the most personal event of a persons life and
it should be allowed on their terms if at all possible, regardless
of what anyone else may judge. The hardest thing I had to do was
stand against family that didn't want mom to dye or finish living
in a manner in which she chose.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
The thought of "not living" and wondering if anyone would really
miss me maybe a little frightening. But in many ways I look
forward to what I would consider being worthy enough to be taken
into God's kingdom.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I get very lonesome for my parents sometimes. I would like to hear
their voice or hug them but I just think of them as being away.
I still talk to them and sometimes even feel they answer.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
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Wed Oct 13 22:27:33 1999
F21 in redmond, or =usa=
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: eagle crest
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, yrs11 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 57.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
forever
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cryed
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandma died of cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
her suffering in the hospital
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
were all going to die just hope your going to the right place
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
ive had a really good life and am very lucky
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mom
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never getting to grow up with my grandma
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell them its okay to go so they dont hold on for you and suffer more
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she was starving herself
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let her see her greatgrand kids
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
to move on and remember the good things
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i try to go to her grave
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i need her
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring her back
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt better
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
she was going home
--Religious Affiliation:
baptist
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there was so many people they had to stand outside
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
excepting that she was gome forever
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Wed Oct 13 21:50:59 1999
F20 in Orange City, IA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
Prof/Studies: social work major (college student)
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 67.
--Details:
totally and completely unexpected, my grandma was very healthy
and active
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
no longer being able to be with someone, no longer able to talk
and interact with people
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was so shocked that I didn't believe it, I didn't know what to say
or do.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My cousin died when he fell asleep drunk at
the wheel and crashed his car
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
wanting to cry and cry and cry forever but trying to be strong
for my little sisters and getting a huge headache from holding it
all in. I remember not being able to believe that it was real.
It was impossible to imagine my grandpa and grandma's house without
grandma there. I was so sure she would be there even though I told
myself she wasn't.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
death brings family together. My mom and her 3 sisters now meet
once a week to help my grandpa go through stuff in the house and
to clean. Sometimes they just hang out and go shopping.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Friends who would just sit and listen and not say much, just let
me share my memories and feelings. Also reminiscing stories about
my grandma with other people who knew her and listening to stories
about my grandma from people who knew her in a different way than
a grandchild
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that there was no going back and spending more time with
that person, no telling them the things you should have said but
just didn't. Also the fact that they weren't going to be there
anymore- hard to imagine life without them
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned that time spent together is never time regretted
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was told that grandma was gone. I didn't believe it, I didn't
understand how that could be true, I didn't know what I felt because
I couldn't feel anything and I felt like I wasn't me, like I was
just watching a movie with me in it
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was an escape for a moment from the reality. just pretending
that life is normal and forgetting for a moment
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend the day with my grandma and listen to all the advice that
she ever had and all the stories that she had to tell
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk to my sisters and my mom about grandma and all the things we
loved about her
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my cousin and I just got away from everybody, just drove in his
car and saw how fast we could drive and just talked some and just
sat in silence some
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the visitation- everybody coming and hugging you and telling you
things that they don't really mean
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember how my grandma loved me and hugged me or I chose to go
away with my best friend for the weekend and my mom wanted to
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was just so sad all I could do was cry
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
good memories, comfort of God and heaven
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
guilt about what I should have done/said different
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Wed Oct 13 20:20:23 1999
F19 in Orange City, ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I need to complete a survey or questionare for my Research Methods
class, so I was looking for one.
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Prof/Studies: Social Work
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 1/2 years ago.
Cause of Death: Had heart problems; Aged: 64.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
For us humans death is an opportunity to go to the most wonderful
place- Heaven. As a Christian I look at death as life becuase I
will get to spend it with my Savior, Creator, Jesus Christ.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was young, and I probably cried I seem to always cry when I
experience death. I am sad because we no longer get to have that
person on earth, but I am also confident and at peace with the fact
that I will get to be with then again in Heaven.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was a great grandpa and when you are young you tend to deal with
the issue better I believe.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I remember first thinking how unfair it was for such a wonderful
man to have to pass away, but the more I thought of it that way the
more I also understood why God wanted this wonderful man to suffer
no more and live in His Kingdom.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is just a passing on to Eternal Life with our Heavenly Father.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I came to appritiate those loved one that I still had in my life
and I tried hard not to leave so much unsaid.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Writing, keeping a journal helped me to cope and deal with the pain
and the sorrow that I was experiencing.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching my mom and my aunt and my uncles and my grandma go
through this. My grandpa was an amazing, amazing man and that is
what makes his death all the more difficult.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Admired him and loved him more than anyother grandparent. He was
an incredible man and he inspires me to be all that I can be and
accomplish all that I can accomplish.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
At the begining I was confused as to why it happened and why it
happened the way it happened.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Give him the green shirt hanging in my closet that I had planned
to give him, and also give him the thank-you for the Christmas
presents and I would have told him just how much I love him and
how he means the world to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Have him in my life as long as I could. He had been sick for a
long time and I cherrish his pressence in my life.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I finally stopped feeling guilty and stopped questioning why God
did this to our family and started to accept the fact that he is
constantly taking care of me from Heaven.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
All the "arrangements."
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at pictures and remember what a strong,sensative, caring
grandpa he really was and how much I loved spending time with him.
I wish my new baby cousin would get the opportunity, butsomeday
in Heaven.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I do think about it and it is Heaven, someday we will have a huge
family reunion in Heaven and it will be wonderful, I feel His
pressence down here form his place with God in Heaven.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That this wonderful man needs to be taken from our lives at this
moment.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Cried, sometimes that is all you can do to make it through is just
cry and ask God why and cry some more. I cried a lot not only for
my grandpa's death but for my mom, because she lost her father.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
How compasionate they were, there was nothing left for them to do
and he died in his sleep.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
The church was wonderful they brought food over took care of
arranging a meal for the guests at the funeral and they just all
in all check to make sure that things are still going good for us.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am a Christian and I belong to the Reformed Denomination.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
If some one believes in God than yes we are united in the fact that
He offers us eternal life after death.
--Regarding MONEY:
It was hard to take care of the funeral and the house and still
have money left over.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
People were great, so many people came, and it means a lot when
you have just lost someone you truely loved to see so many others
who truly love you.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
He got very weak and he didn't smile very often, he was too weak
to go anywhere or do much, but he was still great.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would talk about the good old days and tell him how much I missed
him and how much I love him.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Sometimes I want to die, just so I can go to Heaven, I'm pretty at
peace with death, it is just hard to actually deal with.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
we sat around and shared memories.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
our family definately pulled together and got closer
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I just keep contact and make sure that person knows that I care
and lovethem very much.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think it is good to talk about tough things and although I did
this for a class I would definatley do it without having to have
to do it for a class.
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Wed Oct 13 10:15:51 1999
F30 in Columbus, oh =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 79.
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--Death Is:
the end of lucidity for the person who died and a study in memory
and reflection for the survivors
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to understand what really happened though I recall
being told that my great grandfather was dead and I attended
the funeral
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...great grandfather passed away - natural death
from age
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being there when my grandfather passed - he went in bed, at
home. Three generations of women were present - wife, daughter,
granddaughter, the wailing of my grandmother, the crying of my mother
and her telling him "daddy, go in peace." Calling the authorities
to come deal with the body
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to deal with those survivors experiencing grief/ string emotions
- someone needs to start a campaign to get people to stop telling
survivors that it'll be ok, that this will get easier etc.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
dreams of my grandfather
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
deep feelings of loss
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
there is no need to speak, just being present is enough
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
funerals always leave me confused - what a strange thing to have
someone (clergy) who generally barely knew the person speak and
God forbid (pardon the pun) sermonize.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there when my grandfather passed
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
when he died - I was half asleep and woke just as he took his
last breath
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had to go just when things were so interesting and good.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very nice people over all doing a very difficult job for very
special people.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how horribly wrong the funeral home got my grandfathers features.
We ended up having a closed casket service becuase my mother,
grandmother and I could not bear to have anyone else see him looking
how they left him
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
again, the funeral service
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my grandfather began to ask where he was and began speaking to long
dead relatives
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my grandfather always comes back to me in dreams - he comes back dead
though - not disfigured or anything disgusting - I just know that
he is dead and he knows that he is dead - though it is difficult at
times to convince those in attendance in the dreams that he is dead.
He generally comes to give advice or see what's going on with us
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Honestly, I don't worry too much over it. I suppose I would like
a wake thrown instead of a morbid funeral - better to mourn me the
way you knew me than to cry over my body.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talked to my grandfather - outloud - alone (of course) mourning
his death
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
too young to understand what was going on
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Questionnaire was ok. I didn't really re-think my feelings aobut
death or dying as I feel that I know already how I feel about
the subject. Just shared my thoughts with you
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Wed Oct 13 02:56:35 1999
F19 in East Lyme, CT =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: drama major Catholic U
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Scott Cunningham
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: drunk driver; Aged: 16.
--Details:
They convicted the bastard.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a person goes away and you never see them again. Sometimes you
can feel them or know they're there, but you never encounter them
as a physical person again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
completely flipped out.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a high school friend of mine was walking
along the side of the road and was hit by a drunk driver and killed.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
all of us holding hands at the trial, awaiting the verdict.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that holding back tears only makes the pain worse.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that that drunk driver can't hurt anyone else.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends. We were all in this together.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
accepting that I would no longer see them around.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it was after the funeral and we had gathered at someone's house
and had a food fight with some grapes. We watched Airplane!
We were okay.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it meant I had accepted.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know her better. Discuss religion and philosophy--she was
such an extraordinary individual.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
cope.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we got together afterwards not to mourn but just to be together.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the reception.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize how I will eventually lose everyone around me, even those
I love more than I can express, even those I would gladly die for.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have more inner strength about my faith and more open
to ideas.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she was so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to her one more time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn't stop crying.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they were helpless. there was nothing they could have done.
that scares me.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Mindless ants who never thought, only parroted
--Religious Affiliation:
Wicca
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
reassuring
--Regarding MONEY:
her family couldn't afford a headstone.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how few people from our school were there.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how powerful the funeral was as a sign of closure.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
how much more i wanted to know about her let her know i cared
more than she realized
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My friend Sonja had in dream in which Amanda appeared to her and
announced her return. Sonja denies it, but we all believe Amanda
was letting us know se had been reincarnated.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i just take it one day at a time. if i had the choice to know
when/how i was going to die, i wouldn't take it. right now, i just
want to live.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
visiting the grave. Sonja sat and thought, Charlie wrote her a
story, and i burned candles, incense, and left her a ring.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
and more crying. Especially the funeral. I felt okay after it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
she was younger than me
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it depressed me
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Wed Oct 13 02:54:33 1999
M20 in Street, Maryland =USA=
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 5 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 69.
--Details:
She was sick for a year and a half before she died. My parents
went up the weekend she passed away and I stayed at a friend's
house back home. My father briefly explained what happened over
the telephone and then we drove to Massachusetts for the funeral.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a mystery that is solved once we experience it. it is also an end
to all the crap we put up with all of our lives.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
really had no reaction. I kind of blocked it out and focused on
trivial things.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my grandmother. I knew about death but I felt odd at the
funeral because my reaction to her death was neutral. I think it
might have been because I didn't know her well.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Everyone else was upset and I wasn't.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It isn't as bad as everyone portrays it. All I've heard is that
if you die you go to either heaven or hell. It is a complete load
of crap. I believe that you have some choices when you die and
that unless you've been truly heinous in your lifetime that you
probably will end up in a good place.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that I couldn't express anything and that I bottled all
of my feelings.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Everyone preached about how good my grandmother would be and then
they all got terribly upset when her pain finally ended.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
my grandmother probably wouldn't have minded me laughing. She hated
really serious occaisions and probably would have appreciated
a breather.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know my grandmother better.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the setting for the funeral. Everyone was upset that my grandmother
didn't look right. I was just happy she had no more pain.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
kill myself. But then I get scared that I might go to hell and
then I think about everyone and how it would upset them if I died
so I stop thinking about it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disdain. The Medical Community didn't really do that much except
prolong her pain a few more monthes. She finally said that she
had had enough.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
liberating. I wish more people thought this way.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone was upset except me. I kept thinking I was the Antichrist
or something.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I think she kept seeing a friend of hers that was still alive.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My father said that he saw a strange ball of yellow light in the
bathroom the day after she died. It was warm and reassuring he
said and he was positive it was her.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I want to die and I embrace the day. I feel that I have lived 80
years instead of 20.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I bottled everything.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I had no emotions when she died and had to force myself to cry so
I would feel normal.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
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Wed Oct 13 00:48:37 1999
F18 in Portland, Oregon =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
just searching for tests
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Prof/Studies: Criminal Justice
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 2 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: Gang wars; Aged: 24.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a time in your life where you are taken off of the earth and your
soul is sent to a better place
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was 7 years old and I didnt know what to think
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I saw one of my freinds get shot right in
front of me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it made me angry and want revenge
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
everyone dies when God say not when you or anyone else says
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
death took my best freind to a better place
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own thoughts and feelings
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to say goodbye
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
stop and smell the roses
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dealt with it and are now getting over it
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
he told me he heard singing
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I am glad I laughed it made me feel better
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye and go hiking with him one last time
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get past the hate I had for the people that did this
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My freind who has had a cold heart for a long time ran up to his
coffin and broke down and cryed
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the greiving forever
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about all the fun times we had when we were kids and when
we grew up
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would look wonderful. I would be happy all the time and no one
would ever die
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had to die because they were angry at me
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Take out my revenge on the people that did this
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
got angry and wanted revenge but then I felt good for him becuase
he was in a better place watching over me
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
nothing
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
basically nothing at that point
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that all of that is true. All of us that are good throughout our
lives or repent will go to heaven and have everlasting life
--Regarding MONEY:
it payed for the funeral
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
something wasnt right. We knewsomething was going to happen and
something did happen
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing his gorgeous face
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I dont know
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was not very long
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he told me he saw God and his pain had gone away
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My state with him is perfect. He left with no non resloved issues
with me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I hop I would hear him say that he loved me and that he would always
be there for me no matter what.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would like to be cremated and my ashes dumped over the mounains
in Alaska.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
No I havent given much thougt to my own death. I would feel very
sad but happy becasuse I could be with him again
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I listen to music and visit his grave everyday
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
Drinking
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Music
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
To tell me that it wasnt my fault
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me re-think alot of things about like how I reacted.
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Tue Oct 12 22:00:36 1999
F21 in Bethalto, Illinois =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Prof/Studies: Student of psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 72??.
--Details:
He was in the hospital for a long time, and he was sent home and
then he passed away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a passing on to a new life which is closer to God.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very upset.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandpa was sick for a long time, and then
he passed away right before Christmas of 1997.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
all of my friends were very supportive. I have never seen my dad
really cry before (it was his father who passed away) and it helped
to know that we could find comfort in supporting each other.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
the deceased are still with us in more ways than we know.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my grandfather's death made me re-evaluate my position on religion
and afterlife. I am now a Catholic.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends and family, especially my boyfriend.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing I would never be able to hug him and do things with him
anymore.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it still hadn't hit me that he was not here physically anymore.
I kept having flashbacks to times that he picked me up from track
practice or playing cards with him, etc. It was very hard to come
to terms with the fact that those things were only memories now.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with him while he was in the hospital. I really
regret not being there for him more.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am in church. I am reminded of the reason I decided to become
Catholic and I constantly think of my grandfather.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I may not have went through the RCIA program to become Catholic.
If I had not done this, my grandma and I would not have had the
opportunity to become so close by going to church together on
Sunday mornings.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was extremely upset and sad.
--Religious Affiliation:
past: none current: Catholic
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a great milepost for my grandfather was Thanksgiving weekend.
All of our family got together (even my uncle and his family from
Florida who usually don't come up until Christmas). It was like
my grandfather waited to see everyone one last time before he
passed away. He passed away about a week after Thanksgiving.
After that, I guess he felt like he had hung on as long as he could.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
For the first 6-7 weeks of the RCIA program, I would always receive
a sign from my grandfather that he was there with me. It would
be in the form of a loud noise over the speaker or a flickering
light, etc. I knew that it was him. I have also had dreams that
are re-enactments of things that we did together while he was
still alive. Sometimes they are so vivid that I wake up thinking
he is still alive.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I never prayed before, ever. Prayer, not just to God, but to my
grandfather in Heaven, helped immensely.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Prayer and church involvement.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Some girls that lived on the same floor as me in my dorm were
extremely supportive and understanding during this time of need.
I still have frequent contact with them.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
My friends and family helped a lot also.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
I just couldn't believe that he was gone.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionnaire helped me realize how important it was for me
to become Catholic as a result of finding a way to believe that my
grandfather had gone to a better place.
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Tue Oct 12 20:46:22 1999
M20 in St. Louis, Missouri =U.S.A=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Kelley
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 8 ago.
Cause of Death: epilepsy; Aged: 15.
--Details:
I saw David die in front of me from an epeliptic attack. We didn't
think he was dead. He had had these attacks as a younger kid
and noone paid him more mind, because he didn't want people to.
But this one killed him...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a release from the burden of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had a hard time realizing that I would not see that person ever
again.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was my grandfather died. I didn't really know him,
but my father was very upset. Just me being there was helping him
in some way.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
carrying the stretcher out to David, and not realizing that he
was dead. We (were in boyscouts) were just bringing him inside,
but he was already gone.
--What I think my (U.S.A) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not all bad.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
David is in a better place without the pain of life on his shoulders.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my parents and thier telling me that life will go on.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
learning to live without them being there
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
You only die once, make sure not to be afraid, and experience what
it truly means to die.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Was able to move on.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Life started as if nothing had happened.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughing is how we express unexpressable emotions.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him that I valued him as a friend.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
allow his mother to accept me as a friend.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
David's mom asked me to come by the house and just be there.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the whole school coming to the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
that life is fragile and I don't want to miss love in my life before
I die.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think David and I would know eachother now if he were alive.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he died so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
give my friend a hug.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was hit hard and staggered to breath. David was gone.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
hopelessness. There was nothing anyone could do to help him.
His seizure was just too strong.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a place for David to be in heaven
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
compassion for everyone
--Regarding MONEY:
david's famiy was paying for david to rest in a place for the rest
of his life.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
There were too many kids that just used it to get out of school.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
hearing his parents tell me that they wanted to see me to remind
them of him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
seizures
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Look at the good stuff
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
none
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
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Tue Oct 12 20:03:30 1999
F19 in o'fallon, il =usa=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Class assignment for extra credit
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 17.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the painful loss of a loved one
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was three years old, my mother's mother died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
realizing that it could happen to me
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
learning to cope with it
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my peers.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that i would never see them again
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i couldn't figure out why that person had to go, it didn't seem fair.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to her more
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
how strong her family was and how much the school supported them
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that she was now in heaven
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think about all of her close friends and her boyfriend and
her family
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i do remember that was all i could think about. you would never
think something so tragic could happen to her.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring her back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was mad, sad, and confused.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support. they were a huge support.
--Religious Affiliation:
no specific religion exactly. Parents are catholic, never christened
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how it brought everyone together that katy had made an impact on
their life.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that it was so sudden. she was so young, and it was unexpected
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
one of my friends fell off of a bike when she was about 10 years old
and lost consciousness. she had always told us she saw a tunnel
with a light at the end and then all of a sudden they told her it
wasn't time for her yet, and then she woke up.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my mother dreamed that her dead mother came to her in a dream
while she was pregnant with my brother (i was about 3 years old).
she told her that she would have a baby boy that would be totally
different from me and quite a bit harder to handle (which was true).
I was very close to my mama and have dreamed that I talked to
her and asked her why she had to go and she told me that if she
died now or even later, that it would be so much harder for me as
well as everyone else. I had always wondered this, and it made so
much sense.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i hope i am not frightened and that i will have time to tell everyone
how much they mean to me.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i was friends with her boyfriend, but after her death, we came
closer, along with many of her other friends
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was mentioned of the thought that "it's just not fair" this
really hit home for me because that was one thing i could not
stop thinking
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Tue Oct 12 19:08:06 1999
F37 in Stilwell, Kansas =USA=
Email: <CDBInovate-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Bookkeeper
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More personal info:
Thank you for this questionnaire.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Nephew, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: electrocution; Aged: 15.
--Details:
He was working in a car wash. His boss asked him to flip on a piece
of equipment. He had to lay on the floor to reach the switch. The
floor was wet, and he was electrocuted.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
THE MYSTERY. The question some of us fear, and some of us believe
we know the answers to.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
thought that it was a temporary thing-that I would see my grandpa
again in a few days.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...two of my sisters & I spent the night w/ my
grandparents. Grandpa came home from hunting and had a heartattack &
died while we were there.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I didn't want to let my 13 year old son out of my sight. I still
won't let him have a job until he's 17.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It's harder on those left on earth than those who've gone on.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it's made me appreciate every day that I have.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my belief that the departed ones are still with you spiritually.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being able to SEE them on a daily basis.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
My sister is dying of cancer. The doctors have given us 1-3
months. She is in total denial. The best I can do for her is support
her mood at the time. If she thinks she'll get well and needs to
believe this, I support it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
At first I felt bad, but then realized that my 3 year old niece(who
made me laugh)was just trying to deal with all the adults around
her that were so emotional.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I know with my sister dying that regret is a waste of time. I always
thought that we'd have these intense, meaningful talks...but she
still believes she'll beat this, so I already know I'll never get
the chance to tell her how much she means to me...I just have to
show her NOW by being there for her.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think my brother & sister in law wouldn't have had another child
if Josh hadn't died, and I think they may have gotten a divorce.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that a boy so young, who was so sweet, had to die such an awful
death.
--Religious Affiliation:
nothing "organized". Just my own beliefs.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The preacher was more interested in getting people "saved" instead
of my nephew. People that attended the funeral kept telling my
sister that he died because God needed him.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
believing that I was/am able to still feel their presence without
any fear.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I wish I knew. My sister is wasting away, but she's lasted longer
than anyone including doctors, thought she would.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
no matter how uncomfortable it is to pretend that this is natural,
you must be there, be yourself, and have the same sense of humor
you've always had, or the dying person senses your discomfort and
withdraws from you.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I know, without a doubt, that if you are open minded enough to
receive your departed ones "communications" that it is possible. I
don't fear death as much, because I believe there's more after this.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think you can resolve the issues after they die, by just talking
to them as you would God.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I dreamed that my husband dead mother phoned us and asked to speak
to my husband. She told me she had something she needed to tell
him. I handed the phone to my husband, and after talking to her for
a few minutes he hung up. I told my husband about this dream on
a Sunday morning. When we returned home from camping that day, he
got the mail. In it was a letter from a guy who wrote...Dear Derek,
you don't know me, but I'm your brother...
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope I'll have the luxury to die suddenly, but if it's something
that strings out over months, I hope I'll be strong enough to let
everyone I love know that I believe I'll be seeing them again,
and to get on with living.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
One of my aunts first thought was what did he leave her in his will
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think this questionnaire is terrific, because death is such a
scary subject for most people. When someone you know is dying it's
amazing what lengths you'll go to to search out ways of coping and
to find out how others deal with it, and to see if you're the only
one who believes in things like afterlife :)
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Tue Oct 12 18:37:40 1999
F21 in st.louis, mo =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: od; Aged: 22.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a process everyone must go through in this world. it does not mean
an end but could be a beginning of an eternal life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not know how to really react..i was very sad
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather passed away
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my memories of my cousin and my anger at how he died
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my life and its blessings and my family
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my cousin and grandfather
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
really cared for him
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Tue Oct 12 16:04:16 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
Yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 51.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
An end to some physical discomfort that humans cannot soothe.
It is your final spiritual awakening.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had not close relationshipt with, but the adults were discussing
the details and I had to go to the funeral.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My mother died of cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
A feeling of great lose.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
The ability to grieve at your own pace.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That my mother did not endure a lot of expressed pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Memories of how many people's lifes she affected.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Forgiving those who were not there at her time of need.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To utilize effective listening skills. Sometimes it's best that
we just "Shut Up." Ensuring the person that you will handle all
of their request. That their illness doesn't frighten you.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I appears that she was getting better and then she got worse.
That once she began radiation treatments her health drastically
declined.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Her final wishes in writting.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
care for her during her entire illness.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The nursing staff at hospice and their continual communication
with hospice. The information they provided helped me to understand
the process of dying from cancer.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Money
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
important events occur and I want to her her reactions out loud.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have allowed her to retire and taken care of her in my home.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
told some one she had died for the first time.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
confidence that they did everything available at the time.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice provide me with the extra strength, information and support
that I needed during the worst of times.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Coming to grips with God.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding MONEY:
came after death.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Not everyone that I expected to be there were there.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The difference in the way she looked.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
to follow the hospice stages of death list.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Knowing the love that I gave her all my life was unconditional.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Let my children and grandchildren understand the process I will go
through and that I will be okay.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I visited her gravesite on the date she died monthly for half a year.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Knowing that I did everything I could for her before, during and
after death
Family disagreements
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Mon Oct 11 18:40:55 1999
F43 in scranton, pa =lack.=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 68.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
thought it was the worst thing that could happen to a person that it
was cruel to take our loved ones away never to be heard from again.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...i was6yrs old & my great-grandfather died,i
hardly knew him but i was told i took his passing so badly i made
myself ill.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that all my ideas on the subject were wrong, that though it
is final it doesn't have to be feared or resented,that it could
actually teach us how best to prepare our own lives so we harbor
no pain or resentments about things that might have been..that we
can pass over in peace.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my clergy and my intense faith in the lord.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
was to stand idly by and watch all the suffering and pain that was
endured and not be able to help. though the death process itself
is very calm and hopefully pain free.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be there listen and pray.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
got myself through the process: pray,help others,do all you can
and most of all listen not only with your ears but also with your
heart.do what is best for them not to be sefish and only think of
yourself and how you feel.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
the laugh was a release for the stress we experiance during this
time.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have them around longer
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get through it normally and not the way i always imagined it to be.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
your involved with something like this; the amount of strength
you have even if you think your about to lose your mind. but you
usually don't.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
holidays roll around and we once again that they are not here and
try to celebrate in some way to include them even if they are not
here in body.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back in time to the way things used to be....
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried and cried though it was expected it was still a very
big shock to the balance of my life..your life changes dramatically
when you lose someone life never to be the same again..hopefully
a new life will unfold to take the place of our previous one.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
not much
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
that if they had not been there for my dad and my family we would not
have dealt with as well..they were very informative, understanding,
caring, compassionate people,there volunteers contributed to the
cause above and beyound the call of duty.i hope to be able to pay
back there time by helping someone else someday if time allows.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the differance between going it with the help of the lord and going
it alone..though they say we are never really alone all we have to
do is ask.
--Religious Affiliation:
orthodox
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
the same just practiced diffrently
--Regarding MONEY:
there is always one greedy one....
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
professionals at there jobs to make it a little easier for the
family.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
after the body is embalmed i could not stand to touch it,tome it
has almost a rubber feel to it in my mind it does't feel real.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
grayish appearance, labored breathing,break down of the bodyshut
down of bodily functions.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
grief is a very hard emotion to handle, just when you think you
have dealt with it and put it it's place it rears it's ugly head
againputting you through the whole process over and over again.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my dad indeed experianced thjis, one day i went to visit him
in the hospice unit and saw him looking toward the door smiling,
i said to him what are you smiling about? is grandpa and grandma
over there?and he noded yes..i asked him if he was going home with
them and again noded yes then i asked my mother to ask him if he
was happy and he replied oh yes two days later he passed on.to this
day it this brief conversation that sustains me that he is at peace
until we meet again.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
respect their wishes even if it goes against yours.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i know it might sound strange but i look forward to my time they
say heven is what you want it to be so i want it to be full of
love and never ending peace
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
just to include them in some small way in every day life. then it
doesn't feel like your alone so much.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i hope i reached out to others during my period of grief i begain
crocheting lap afgans that i later donated to the hospice unit
where my dad was a patient, it used to get so cold there that
i decided to use my time wisely shedding tears with every row
i made knowing someone else was going through the same process
i had just been through..hoping they would send some warmth and
understanding their way.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was somewhat usefull because it gave me an opportunity to express
myself and perhaps to help others..which is what i feel i was put
on this earth for..to help in any way i can.
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Sun Oct 10 16:00:51 1999
F39 in Chilliwack, Canada =British Columbia=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Dog Breeder
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 45.
--Details:
She had suffered from severe depression for a couple of years,
she had been given over 200 different kinds of medications none of
which or worked or if they did only for a short time, she was given
electric shock treatments which I believe made it impossible for
her to ever find her way back. She returned to work as a nurse in
intensive care all the while telling everyone she still intended to
kill herself and she did with pills she had hoarded over the years
and some she took from the hospital at work. The day she killed
herself her therapist had told her she "needed to just snap out
of it".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
I would tell them it is never feeling life again, being asleep
forever in a place that no one that is alive can find you. Its like
being invisable.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Watched my parents to see if it was hurting them, and I felt sort
of lonely.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my dads" mother, my grandmother.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How when I was told that my heart pounded so hard that I thought
I was having a heart attack and then I felt like I was going to
faint, how much the pain of losing her hurt me not just mentally
but physically. How loud I screamed NO as if I could bring her back,
the scream came from my stomach not my throat.
--What I think my (British Columbia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That its part of living, if its a natural death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
No there will never be anything I'm greatfull for for death, for
losing someone.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
From some people who have also lost people unexpectedly.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The idea that she could actually kill herself, the idea that she
just didn't care if she ever saw me again. Mixed with the knowledge
that I would never see her again, or hear her laugh.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To tell them that you loved them and to thank them for the love
they had given me.
--[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
LThat when someone loses hope they are in great peril. That someone
that threatens suicide should never be ignored,no matter how many
times or for how long they been saying it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
There just doesn't seem to be any way of changing whats about to
happen, there is no reset button.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
No I did not feel the urge to laugh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Really stay in her life throughout her depression, let her doctors
know that I cared about her, object to how they were treating her
symptoms and not her heart or head. Let her know she could never
erase herself from the planet because she was here and I see the
proof everywhere.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Ever have loved her, to have heard her laugh, to have had her to
love me especially when I was little.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I realized how peacefull it seemed,when she died. She simply fell
asleep and never woke up.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The flowers at the funeral and how anyone dressed.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see her photo and see her sparking eyes and her mischevious
grin. When I see how healthy and happy she was it makes me wonder
what happened, how could she be gone.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would live in a little white house with her and we would garden
and have a rose arbour, in the evenings we'de drink wine and she
would teach me to do needlpoint and we'd laugh about life and giggle
together.It would be easy for her to be with my mom again and she
would look at life through eyes that saw only good.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That no one could stop her from doing what she did, that so many
other people in this world take so many chances with their life, and
they get to live, there are people that hurt so many people and my
sister in her nursing career helped so many people yet she is gone.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Poundthe walls stomp my feet find her and shake her and scream why.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
It takes the breath right out of me, I feel lost. Most of the time
I just pretend that I haven't seen her in awhile.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
That not even my therapist could find words to make me feel better,
there were no words.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I believe in my own god and it helped to talk to him in my head.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Very reassuring, that she and I may see eachother again.
--Regarding MONEY:
There wasn't enough, and it was hard to arrange things because no
one really could figure out how to do things.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
That we played a song by Phil Collins called Take A Look At Me Now,
and when it began to play it was if everyone there felt it was
a message from my sister and they all began to cry because they
realized she was gone at that point, it was easier to weep with
the music, and it felt comforting.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How much it hurt my body to cry so hard, how my heart would pound and
I would feel everything start to go black, I have never experienced
such grief.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
How weak and quiet a dying person becomes its as though they are
gone before they actually die.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
The more gradual the process is the easier it is to except when
it happens that sudden death is a very traumatic thing mentally
and physically.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I was very sick twice in my life and I thought how nice it would
be to go to sleep and not wake up and there was no fear involved
in thinking it at all, although I am afraid of dying I wasn't when
I was so sick. I just wanted to go.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
You see it is very complicated, my sister adopted my first born
daughter and raised her for me and she is expecting her first baby
and I have trouble being her mom and I can't ask my sister if it
is alright to assume this role and I feel as though I am taking
something away from her,and how this would be her grand baby if she
were here and not mine. Also her husband sexually abused me when
I was fourteen and I never told her about it and I still have to
see him now and I feel so much hate for him and guilt that I never
told her what a scum bag he was, even after they divorced and with
the baby coming he gets to be grandpa and I don't want him to be,
it should be my sister, sometimes you see it is all messed up and now
that shes dead I just don't know what to do to make anything better.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to hear from her that she knows what her husband did
to me and that she doesn't blame me for it, that its okay for me to
be grandma for her, I think this would make me feel less confused
and less guilty. I'd also like to ask her why she didn't care if
she ever saw me again, why maybe did her love die for me before
she was even gone.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
When my dad died he came back to me in a dream as he had said he
would when he was still alive, because I am afraid of ghosts, he
told me he would always be with me and watching over me and for me
to look after my daughter. My sister also came to me in a dream
she didn't speak though she was sick with a cold I hugged her and
she held me close to her chest, it was a very peacefull feeling. I
saw her again in a dream again she did not speak but she seemed
alive again all healthy and her hair looked so nice and she was
dressed in her nurses uniform.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
That when there is no longer any hope of recovery that it is
important to help make the person feel as little pain as possible and
to surround the person with the things and people they love. That
when it is time to go it is important to say your good byes and
help the person feel reassured that it is okay to let go.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Yes I have I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma three years
ago and although I was cured so to speak, I thought for the first
few weeks that I was going to die sooner than expected, at first
I was just horrified at the thought of my kids not having me here
if they were hurt or if they needed me and then I knew I needed to
spend more time reinforcing them as individuals and building there
self esteem. I also made peace with a few people in my life that I
had been wasting my time hating. I was never the same person after
hearing I had cancer it made me realize things that could be over
at anytime, that I'm here today and thats what has to matter. Every
day I make sure I enjoy something in my life, everyday I give myself
some time, I try to love myself more now, and I try to love everyone
in my life in an individual way, so they feel appreciated.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote in my journal to my sister and I talked to her in my head
alot, in my journal I talked to her and told her things I didn't
have the chance to say before she left and I got mad at her in it
too, I also told her how I was hurting. I said good bye to her in
my journal I took up two pages to do it and it helped free up my
head a little bit.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I take very special notice to people that phone me or visit me in
case they are reaching out for some compassion. I also phone and
send cards to people so they know I am thinking about them and they
know they are loved.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
This is the most amazing thing, a friend I hadn't seen in twenty
years whom my sister knew as well saw the obituary in the paper
and tracked me down, she too had lost her husband to suicide and
I really believe my sister set this up from wherever she may be.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
It helps to know that it just takes time to move one away from the
pain of losing someone
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
Worrying about talking about it with people who had or have already
moved on.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have been there for many people and I think it is important to
just let people cry untill they don't need to anymore, to hold
them and speak softly to share their saddness. And when they are
ready to speak of it not to hurry them to recover from their grief
because everyone has their own way back at their own time.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Oh it just makes me wish I could have my sister back. I found the
questions interesting and I hope that my answers might help somehow.
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Sun Oct 10 14:22:45 1999
F28 in CHINO, CALIFORNIA =U.S.A.=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: ACADEMIC DEPT AT COLLEGE
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...FATHER DECEASED AT THE AGE OF 3 1/2
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
I DONT THINK I EVER HAD THE CHANCE TO DEAL WITH IT. I DID NOT ATTEND
THE FUNERAL AT THAT TIME,SO THERE NEVER WAS THAT CLOSURE PROCESS.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
TO THIS DAY THERE ARE FEELINGS OF ABANDONMENT ISSUES AS WELL AS
A MARKED DISCOMFORT WITH THE WHOLE CONCEPT(SPIRITUAL AS WELL AS
PHYSICAL) OF DEATH/DYING.
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Sat Oct 9 14:06:15 1999
F21 in cincinnati, oh =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: photo lab
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 12 years ago.
Cause of Death: natural causes; Aged: 81.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a very hard thing to deal with.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried for most of the day.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mom came to get me at school one day in
December. I will never forget it. I was in gym class when she came
in. Once I was in the classroom getting my things, I asked her what
was going on. She told me that my grandfather had died. I was able
to keep from crying until i got out to the car, then I couldn't
stop. I cried all the way home, then ran into the bathroom. When
I came out, my aunt was waiting for me. She held and comforted me
until i finally stopped crying.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I couldn't believe that it was real. Just two nights earlier, me
the guy who passed away and another friend had been joking around
at work. Everything seemed fine.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
who to deal woth it a little better.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I can remember who the person was like before they passed on.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
timw to work the death out with myself.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
it does take time, but eventually the wounds heal.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend A LOT more time with my grandpa.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember things that my grandpa did, and the times we had together.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be able to learn so much more from my grandpa.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when my grandpa died.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
crawl into a hole,and hide away from the rest of the world.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and was in shock.
--Religious Affiliation:
was raised to be protestant, but I am no longer practing.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Fri Oct 8 17:55:28 1999
F23 in Montreal, Quebec =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: homocide; Aged: 23.
--Details:
He was shot to death outside a basketball game.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the soul/spirit leaves the physical body. The essence of the
person no longer exists.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was scared. I couldn't understand why it happened to him.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my grandfather, whom I didn't know very well.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
lots of people crying and feeling confused. Nobody could quite
understand what was going on. I remeber looking in his mothers
eyes and seeing the pain. Then looking at the body, and not quite
understanding where he was.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Fri Oct 8 11:27:04 1999
F22 in Philadelphia, PA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5-6yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Diabetes; Aged: 55+.
--Details:
MY guilt comes from not being there when he died. I was the first
girl grand and he adored me. Everyone on the family knew it. To
this day I regret not going to see him every opprotunity I had. I
remember feeling like visiting him in the hospital was going
to take away from spending time with friends. I didn't think he
was going to die. He had been in and out of hospitals and he had
always been a strong man, plus my mom has diabetes so I thought I
knew what he was going through. I remember riding to the hospital
and seeing his body laying on the bed. He had passed away with no
one at his side, since the nurses made my grandmother go home. I
remember hearing people say that he didn't have the will to live
without his leg. The diabetes had caused him serious problems with
one of his legs and it had to be amputated. They said that he gave
up. I didn't and don't want to believe that because he was a strong,
God fearing man. He wouldn't give up.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
not existing anymore. it's not being able to be with your loved
ones anymore. It's missing out on....It's final. It's uncertain. It's
not knowing what is beyond you. It's not even being able to think.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was about 6 yrs old. My uncle drowned in a river. They said that
he had given up, too. He was an excellent swimmer and there was
no way he would not have been able to swim to shore. He dived in
after a basketball and never came back.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My uncle drowned when I was about 6. He was
my mom's best friend and they had so many plans for the future. I
can remember how it devistated her and I can still see the regret
and disappointment in her eyes when we talk about him. I never want
to see my mom that way again and I know I will have to because she
has the same bond with her mother (my grandmother). I KNOW the day
she dies will be the day my mom dies.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my father crying. MY grandmother died last year and my grandfather
5-6 years before her. My dad didn't shed a tear at my grandfather's
funeral. It wasn't because he didn't love him. I think he was just
too macho to cry, but when grandma died....I had NEVER seen him
cry EVER..EVER. It broke my heart. It still does whenever I think
about it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Denial. I am in complete denial. I don't like to think about death
at all. I know it is a natural phenomenom but the thought of me,
my mom, my dad, or my brother never being able to be a family again
terrifies me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing it will happen to me , my mom, my dad, and my brother. I
can't imagine life without them.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Fri Oct 8 05:33:19 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 13 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my grandma
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Fri Oct 8 01:18:11 1999
M25 in Vernon, BC =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: Heart Failure; Aged: 77.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The passing of the physical body or container.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt grief, saddness, more however for my father, who lost his dad.
--That first time, how it happened was
Grandfather passed away.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Grandmother's grieving and the seemingly tangible lost felt through
my father, Knowing that some day my father will also pass on.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It's an inevitabiltiy that cannot be changed, controlled, nor is
it predictable, t part of life. All things born, die.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
To cherish life as it happens, within yourself, around you, and
with others.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that Death is the end!
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching, my father and grandmother, grieve.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Telling them that you loved them, all the good things about them
that you loved. Perhaps,all the while, saying farewell to them in
a sense that they can let go now and that everything will be ok. I
guess in a sense you are saying goodbye to them.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
What?!? I mean I really have a sense of humor, but do pepole really
say that!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend more time with him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
N/A No recollection's of that type of thought.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
N/A
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I Imaging when my time comes to say goodbuy to my father.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Can't say that I have imagined or dreamed that.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I din't have those thought's.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
N/A
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
accepted it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Thanks, for trying the best they could.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
N/A
--Religious Affiliation:
No Religious affilation.
--Regarding MONEY:
of no bearing, or little imporatance.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The seemingly "assembly line", attitude on the professionals
behalf. And the "this is how a funeral is" type procession on behalf
of the mourners.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I seemed more interested in observing the reactions of how other
people, both family and friends, reacted to the passing of my
grandfather. Both privately and around others such as friends or
loved ones, during the funeral and after. I seemded to be comparing
the different stages of grieving of other mourners to that of my own.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
N/A Was very sudden
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Nope I can't say that happened, It would have be interesting though.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Grandmother underwent a 16 hour aortic heart valve operation in the
70's. whereas her heart was physically removed for most of this
time. She has on occasion, told me that she did have a typical
"near-death experience" during the operation. This incuded a warm
enveloping white light a sort of out of body experience.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Very Little I would imagine.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
N/A
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Accept it, it's inevitable, at some point it will happen within
my life. Live the remaning days out surrounded with family and
friends. Perhaps helping other deal with my passing in whatever
way is appropriate.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Just remember!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
N/A
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I feel or care more about friends and family that showed a higher
level of grievence than I. I felt as I needed to help them say
goodbye to my grandfather. A sort of maturnal nuturing if you will.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
Crying,talking,stories,happy memmories.
Nothing hindered Dealing with death.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Talk,Ta;k,Talk the more they come to resolving their feelings the
closer they come to saying goodbye to thier loved one.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Good.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
None.
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Wed Oct 6 17:16:41 1999
M35 in toronto, ontario =canada=
Web: http://www.a1b2c3.com/suilodge/
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
http://www.totentanz.de/index.htm
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my aunt was killed in a motorcycle accident
when i was 4 or 5.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
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Wed Oct 6 08:38:33 1999
F28 in Eugene, OR =USA=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
http://WWW.Eugene.COM/
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
We Don't Die; In The Midst of Winter
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
George Anderson; ed. Mary Jane Moffat
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 20 yrs.
--Details:
She lived in northern CA, while I lived in southern CA. She was on
a trip in NY before she came to southern CA to meet her boyfriend
to drive with him back to northern CA. She and her boyfriend were
about 60 miles from my home when she was killed. They were driving
along the freeway and he didn't see the stopped flatbed in his lane
until it was too late. He tried to swerve, but hit the truck with
the passenger side of his own. My cousin's head was crushed by
the flatbed coming off of the truck. They say she died instantly.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life for this body that our consciousnesses occupy.
At the point of death, our "souls" are set free from our corporeal
bodies to go on to another life, whatever that might be.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt that person's "spirit" lingering with me for a time afterwards,
letting me know that it was okay to grieve and to let them go in
a way.
--That first time, how it happened was
My adopted grandfather died, then the next death was about a year
or two later when my step-grandmother died. She was walking to
her garage after telling the children to stay in the house and just
collapsed with a stroke.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how happy we were that we were blessed to have known my cousin for
the time that she was on this earth. We all grieved for her at
the funeral, but then we celebrated her life and vowed to go on
with our own lives and better them.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that there is not necessarily a "heaven" or a "hell" that the "soul"
goes to after the body dies, but that the afterlife is a mystery.
We don't know for sure if reincarnation happens, but that is
a possibility, as is the possibility of any sort of afterlife.
But it seems that any type of higher power in the universe would
not condemn or praise people for what they did during their life
on this earth. This life is only a learning experience, then we
go on to the next one, whatever that may be.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that dealing with others deaths has shown me that I have to do
whatever I can in this life to achieve my own goals. That life is
short and we must do with it what we can.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the understanding of friends and family, in that they were there
to talk with, but they listened to my own thoughts on the subject
of death and didn't try to "preach" to me about how my cousin was
going to either "heaven" or "hell". That I found I had a lot in
common with my cousin before her death, and I had friends in her
own friends that I wouldn't have known otherwise.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the realization that I was not immortal. My cousin was 20 when she
died, but she was only a few months younger than I was at the time.
Mortality setting in was the hardest thing for me to deal with,
but the dealing with it never goes away. I still have to deal with
it whenever someone close to my age dies nowadays.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughing was a very good medicine to help the grief not become
overwhelming. It was a coping mechanism for all of us involved.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know my cousin better because I think we would have gotten
along very well if we had no lost touch during childhood.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
create friendships from my cousins death with her sister, my aunt,
and some of my cousin's friends.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we all shared stories about my cousin in order to remember her.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the whole funereal process. A funeral is for the living, though,
not for the dead, so it may have helped many of the people there
to cope better with her death.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she had such a good life going on... it should have been me.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
very little. It was my own pagan beliefs and my knowledge of
psychology that helped me through the experience and that helped
me to help others through it as well.
--Religious Affiliation:
past affiliation: Christian; current affiliation: pagan.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how light-hearted it all seemed to be and how special it was.
My cousin's family and friends decided to play her favorite music
(rock and easy listening) before and after the funeral and her sister
sang a song for her during the funeral. It was all very special.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
finding the own specialness in myself and others around me at
the time. It was a growing experience for us all.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Well, the unresolved issues are dealing with another death--that
of my step-father a couple of years ago. The issues that I have
surrounding him are mostly those from my childhood and I have
started to work through those in order to let them go and go on
with my life as it is now. I did have my mother tell him that I
forgave him and loved him when he was on his deathbed, so those
are some issues that have been resolved.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
At my adopted grandfather's and at my step-grandmother's bedside,
my mother saw their spirits lift from their bodies. They also
came back after death to visit her to sort of let her know that
everything was alright and they were happy. I think this changed
her view of death somewhat, but I'm unsure of what way it did so.
I have only felt the spirits pass near me when they have gone to
the other side, but that in itself was an awesome experience.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I've realized that wills and wishes of the dying aren't always
effective after that person's death, but I'd hope that my family
would be better about following my own wishes if I were to die.
Money for the funeral always seems to be the biggest issue when a
loved one dies, so I think about that when thinking about death.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have given a lot of thought to my own mortality after both of my
cousins' deaths. I don't know how I would react after finding out
that I might die soon. I know that I would feel lost for a bit and
might even go a little insane for a while before actually accepting
the fact of my own impending death, but I hope that I would be able
to move on and deal well with it and accomplish as many things as
possible before it occurred.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
After my cousin's funeral, her family and friends went to a special
showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show, which she used to go to all
the time and she acted in every now and then. It was a wonderful
experience and helped us all to identify with her and let her memory
live in our minds.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
After a big change in my life of any sort (ie death, relationships
breaking up, change in career, etc), I have continued to think
on it for a day or so, then let the memory of it continue on in
my mind. This technique has seemed to work well in everyday life,
so I continue to do it.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I did become a bit close with a couple of my cousin's friends, her
sister, and her mother after her death. When another cousin died
a couple of years ago, I became closer with her mother, her son,
and another aunt. These are friendships that endure to this day.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I reached out to others by just being there if they needed someone
to talk with, even if it was something I didn't want to talk about.
I think communication was the thing that has helped many people I
know get through the whole grieving process relatively smoothly.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
These questions helped me to express to others my own thoughts and
feelings about death and dying and the processes I and others went
through when a loved one died.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
These are all very good questions. Some of them should, however,
be broken up into more clearly defined categories, since I got
sort of confused on which ones dealt with prolonged illness and
which didn't. I think some of them should not be just about the
most recent death, but about the one that a person feels fits that
category, since I have experienced many deaths over the past years,
but only a couple of them affected me deeply.
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Wed Oct 6 04:47:41 1999
F40's in MOBILE, ALABAMA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
ICQ
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 WEEKS ago.
Cause of Death: CANCER; Aged: 65.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
TO BE ABSENT FROM THE BODY IS TO BE PRESENT WITH THE LORD-THERE IS
VICTORY IN DEATH---ITS A PROMOTION FOR SOME--TO A PARADIZE
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
11 YEARS OLD MY GRANDMOTHERS
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
THE HOLY PRESENCE WHEN THE ANGLE CAME
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
TO LEARN THAT THE HUMAN LIFE IS LIKE THE 4 SEASONS
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
PEACE----THE GIFTS DEPEND ON THE PERSON DYEING--DARKNESS OR
LIGHT---AND THE GIFTS CAN BE SOMETHING ELSE FOR THE LIVEING
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
THE COMFORT OF GODS WORD AND THE PEACE OF HIS HOLY SPRIT
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
THE PAIN AND SUFFERING
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
HOLDING THEIR HAND TOUCHING THEM STROKING THEIR HEAD TALKING TO
THEM TELLING THEM YOU LOVE THEM SOMETIME SILENCE
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I CANT ANSWER THIS YET
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
THE MORPHEIN TAKEING AWAY THE LIFE SUPPORT THIS WAS VERY HARD
FOR ME I WANTED TO HOLD ON BUT TO DO SO WAS PROLONGING THE PAIN
AND SUFFERING
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
CANT TALK ABOUT THIS YET
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
BE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE HOLY SPRIT
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
WONDERFUL
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
PEACE
--Religious Affiliation:
ASSEMBLY OF GOD
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
TRUE REALITY IS THAT MAN IS A SPRIT-IN A BODY
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
A NIGHTMARE
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
MY SPRIT WELCOMED THE ANGELS TO COME AND TAKE MY FATHER BUT THE
CARNAL ME DID NOT
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
THE DEATH RATTLE
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
ITS LIKE LOSEING YOUR FIRST TEETH OR YOUR VIRGINITY IT GONE FOR
EVER BUT NOT THE MEMORYMY
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
MY FATHERS TWIN BROTHER WHO DIED A YEAR BEFORE HIM KEPT COMEING
TO HIM
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
YES TO ME -------I SAW THE LIGHT ------HAVENT GOT TIME TO GO INTO
IT NOW-------
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
ONLY GOD
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
YES MY GRAND MOTHER WHEN I WAS 11
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
STILL CRYING
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
LOVE
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
YES
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
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Tue Oct 5 14:19:22 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 45.
--Details:
She was ill from cancer. She had an abusive husband who interfered
with her treatment and she didn't have the strength to realize
until it was too late. I believe that if she had the proper care
she might still be alive, having beaten cancer once before.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of the existance we are aware of now, because of some kind
of unfixable breakdown of our material bodies.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was starting college.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandfather died after a relatively
short illness
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
What a waste it was. My friend was only 45 and, at the end,
expressed regrets for the opportunities she didn't take. It made
me stop and really think about how I was/wasn't living my life.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is inevitable and natural. Children should be taught that
death and the accompanying grieving/sadness are natural and normal.
There is too much avoidance surrounding the subject. People think
you are "creepy" or "weird" if you can take death in stride.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that it made me stop and think about what I want/need to accomplish
before it is my turn.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My own internal feelings about death
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the expectations of others. I was expected by some to break down
in grief, even though my friend's illness lasted for months and I
was well-prepared for the outcome and relieved that her suffering
was over.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never felt that way, but I can imagine it was a great release of
emotion in a way different from all the grief. You can only feel
any emotion for so long before you crash.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be able to help her in a way that was meaningful to her, not to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Give her the things I did that she valued; I made her happy at times.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
dying people understand more than we realize. When my grandfather
was dying, everybody pretended he would get better. It was so
obvious to us kids that he knew, but we weren't allowed to say so.
So we never got to say goodbye!
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Attending the wake/services. The dead person isn't there anymore.
Services are for the living and if someone can't grieve in that
way, they should be left alone, not made to dress up and act in a
"polite" way just to make the other survivors happy.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I was estranged from my father before his death. If he hadn't died,
I probably would have stayed in the bad marriage I made to get away
from home and wouldn't have gotten as close to my mother as I did.
If my friend hadn't died, I wouldn't have stayed at the company
we both worked at for so long (I had to do her job as well as mine
while she was on sick leave.)
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that people die without fulfilling their big (and little) dreams.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was angry about how she wasted the time she had.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Acceptance. If people would be clear on how they want to die, and
insist on whatever medical care will help them achieve their desired
end, death would be a lot less scary. Doctors do the best they can.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I have had no direct contact with hospice, but I think the concept
is wonderful
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing - at the time I was not religious.
--Religious Affiliation:
Past - Roman Catholic Current - various denominations which give
me spiritual peace
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
What a "business". I think "racket" or "scam" wouldn't be too
strong. Everybody acting correctly and making sure that as much
money as possible is spent showing how much you cared about the
person.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
People expecting me to break down and cry and be unable to
work/function.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the shift to calm and acceptance which I observed seemed to suddenly
come upon people when their deaths were imminent
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
You need to do what makes you comfortable and at peace, not what
is expected of you societally.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I did notice a kind new understanding/awareness in the person at
the time.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
After my father died, for a long time, whenever I was really angry
about something I couldn't do anything about, I'd dream that I
was taking my rage out on my father, screaming, hitting, etc.
As time has passed, I don't have these dreams anymore. If I'm
angry, my dreams are about the appropriate subjects of my anger.
I'm not sure if this means I have learned to handle my anger more
effectively or if I've begun to forgive and forget concerning
my father. I find it interesting to experience.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to know about the afterlife, if there is one and,
if so, what it is like.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have made sure that my relatives know what I want after I'm gone,
regardless of what they think is the "right" thing to do, as to
where, what, how, etc. My friend had expressed to me several
times that she would like to be cremated, with no religious service
at all (she was very much against religion). Imagine my surprise
when her family had a big open casket funeral with both a prayer
service and a mass. It was what made them feel good, but I could
just imaging my friend looking down and cursing them out! Although,
I do feel strongly that the survivors need to do whatever it is to
make themselves more easy with the death. That is the tricky part,
balancing the wishes of the deceased with the needs of the living.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I used to be very frightened about dying. But I've come to realize
I'm actually frightened about suffering as I die. If I knew for sure
I would die peacefully, I'd be a lot less fearful. And I hope the
afterlife is all I would like it to be.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
After my father died, my mother truly became my friend as well as
my mother. On the other hand, when my co-worker died, it seemed
that those of us who worked with her kind of grew more apart.
Perhaps we reminded each other of a painful time?
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Fortunately, most people around me asked me what would help and
then left me alone which is what I requested. People should be
wiling to do whatever is requested of them without feeling insulted
or rejected. The problem is when you have two different coping
styles which conflict with each other. Ideally one person will
be strong enough to put their needs on hold and help the needier
person, as long as their needs are met eventually.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I have given the whole process of death, dying, grieving, etc. a
lot of thought. Because I view death and natural an inevitable,
people have said that I am cold-blooded, weird, etc. I view death as
natural and inevitable. Sure, I am sad, but because I have given it
a lot of thought, I am very clear about what I need to cope and have
always been able to help others, which is perceived as "not-caring",
"cold-hearted", etc. So, I found this survey painful in parts,
but very interesting.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
A question for you - How long before you could think of something
about the deceased that made you smile/laugh instead of feeling bad?
What was it?
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Tue Oct 5 04:59:19 1999
F13 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 18.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
leaving friends
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried for 2 months
--That first time, how it happened was
My great aunt died of a heart attack, closely followed by two of
my cats and my granddad
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mum cried
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
we need to talk
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my bonds with my family strengthened
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
music
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
understanding why it had to happen
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
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Mon Oct 4 08:04:58 1999
F18 in Northbrook, Illinois ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 5 years ago.
Cause of Death: ovarian cancer; Aged: 50.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a part of you fades away, and you have to pick up the pieces
of what is left.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really have any emotions
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...he was a distant relative. He was quite old.
I really don't remember much of him, accept that after the funeral,
we went to a luncheon at a very fancy restaurant.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
asking God how he could be merciful and still create such a
devestating disease
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
You cannot mourn about it forever, but maybe you can do something so
it doesn't happen again, at least not in the way it happened before
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
something that was suppose to be there for me, but felt like pushing
me away
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
Being Catholic, you are expected to react a certain way toward death.
I couldn't do that.
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Sun Oct 3 21:33:20 1999
F29 in , MA =USA=
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surfing for death/dying/hospice stuff shortly before my father's
death. came back to find you after death
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Prof/Studies: Child Development Research
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, one month ago.
Cause of Death: kidney cancer; Aged: 67.
--Details:
He had been feeling very bad for the last year, but was only
diagnosed 7 months ago. he died within 6 months of diagnosis.
He was in excruciating pain until the very end, when the evil doctors
finally gave him enough morphine. He very much wanted to live,
but the cancer was in his liver and his bones (hence the pain)
and he deteriorated very quickly due to the liver metastasis.
We didn't know it at the time, but it seems he was in Stage IV
already when he was diagnosed. Sigh...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of a hopefully fulfilling life. Systems shut down one after
another (unless a sudden death), and people seem to usually die in
a process more than as an event.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 10 years old and sorry for the woman (my aunt) who died.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My first experience was my great-aunt.
I was ten years old and saw her regularly. But I was not really
all that close to her, even though I liked her very much and was
sorry that she died. It was not painful in the way that grief
really is. Still, I learned a lot about death I guess from that
experience (wake, funeral, watching older people in mourning, etc.).
I honestly am not sure what she died of, but she was in her 70's or
so and she was not well for a year or more. Generally deteriorating.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
just the whole process of trying to save my father's life.
The intense shock that he could (and most likely would) die,
the horrible feeling watching someone in despair after receiving a
terminal diagnosis. Seeing my father in unbearable pain.
He was only diagnosed w/cancer in march, but the christmas before
i had a very bad feeling he would not see another christmas, even
though he was still very active and working on tons of projects.
i sensed he had a look of death all last year. my mother told me
the night he died that his eyes lost the sparkle that they had
always had.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that people need to recognize how much psychological pain the
person is in dealing with death and be more sensitive to it. it is
insulting to be told of plans to travel '"hen you get better" when
you can't even get out of bed. they don't need to lose hope,
but they should take it seriously and realize that certain things
seem trivial at the end.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It was obvious my dad trusted me and wanted to be with me. He sought
my advice on what to do. And I stayed with him all weekend long
every weekend, just helping him in and out of chairs, getting his
meds ready, creating spreadsheets of meds, sitting out on the porch
with him, talking to him, reading a book on pain management to him,
complaining about doctors with him, helping him install his medical
equipment, etc.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my co-workers were probably the most supportive, even more so than
many of my friends because they were a mixed-age group, many of
which had dealt with their parents death. They were also medical
people (it was a health research organization). I saw them on a
daily basis. They knew the ins and outs of his treatments, diagnoses
and my struggle with it in a way my own friends probably did not,
as i didn't see or talk to them every day.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching him in such despair after he was told he only had a few
months to live. it was devastating. also, the doctors were very
insensitive. they did not seem to care at all if he lived or died.
his oncologist was complaining about her taxes all through the last
appointment he saw her (the one where she said he may or may not live
through the year). she was very callous. the doctors were always
on vacation. i never expected them to perform miracles, though
it would have been nice, but they were so extremely insensitive.
We had no time or space to ask any questions. She didn't have any
of the reports or lab stuff ready. She was yelling questions in from
another room half the time. Trying to figure out if the doctors were
merely incompetent or whether it really didn't matter to them, or
whether my parents were not pro-active enough was extremely tedious.
They delayed the operation one month after a cancer diagnosis.
The tests showed it had not spread to his bones. Later on, it spread
to his bones. I was furious. My mother felt that it was inevitable.
She thinks there was never anything that could have been done to
slow it. But both my father and I felt they didn't care and that
they let it spread to his bones. I was devastated that I could have
prevented this by demanding more action. But my bosses at the time
(a doctor and nurse - epidemiologists and very intelligent, caring
people) told me that cancer spreads very slowly and that delaying
the operation was not a problem at all. The cancer was already
there, they think. It probably just didn't show up on the x-rays
before. Now I know they delay everyone's operations for cancer.
Apparently they figure it doesn't matter much. And apparently,
it doesn't. It seems you're either going to die or you're not.
But at the time, it's like watching someone fall from a 100 story
building and racing around screaming at people to do something and
running down all the floors to put stuff down to cushion the blow,
but a lot of people are standing around knowing there will be no hope
no matter what they do. I still don't know if the doctors cared
or not. They didn't send a card. Our dentist did. My mother's
arthritis doctor did. The nurses at the rehab center were great.
But it will never be clear to me whether the oncologist or primary
care person cared or not. All the evidence we have would lead me
to believe they did not.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
During the last few weeks of my father's life, he was confused
due to the morphine and his voice was very weak. He appreciated
people coming in and telling him what was going on, but he stopped
appreciating being intensely interviewed about his medical condition
because he couldn't talk much and he couldn't think well enough
to know what was going on. when i asked him questions he couldn't
answer, he would become overwhelmed. i think it's important to
adjust to their schedule - he needed to change positions often
because it was so painful for him to sit or stand or even lie.
so i just followed him from the porch to the couch and back, etc.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
spent lots of time with him and kept him hopeful right up until
the end. He actually forgot he had been diagnosed with cancer the
week before he died. I think i walked a delicate balance between
being honest with him (I never wanted to keep him guessing the ways
the evil doctors kept us guessing) and still keeping his hope up.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My father got worse and worse every day and they got no advice on
how to alleviate pain or gain strength. I handed my parents a page
with 10 questions to take to the doctor so i could finally get my
questions answered. They forgot the paper. They forgot to ask
the questions. My parents, who are regarded by everyone as very
together, intelligent, practical people seemed completely out of it.
I couldn't figure out whether they were not being proactive, not
asking enough or the right questions, not insisting on appointments
(the doctors were always booked or on vacations and could only
see them once a month or less and they rarely saw the same doctors
since they are always covering for each other) or whether they were
hiding information from me. When I finally went to the oncologist
myself, I was as baffled as my parents were and came out with no
more information than they did. I knew it wasn't their fault.
But up until then, i was completely baffled about why nothing was
being done to "fix him" or at least alleviate the pain.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was the only time i can think of that i was brutally insensitive
to my father's illness, they way my cousin and my brother and
others had been. the morphine and other drugs confused him.
i told him it was just intercepting the pain signal to his brain
and happened to catch other cognitive signals as well. it wasn't
a deterioration in cognition, just a mixed signal. there was
one day he was writing advertisements to sell his stuff. he was
always selling stuff - part of a hobby/home business. fixing and
selling things. a junk collector. he couldn't write the ad.
he spent all day writing it when it usually took 15 minutes.
i told him to narrate it to me and i would write it down. when i
looked at the paper, i laughed because he had written one sentence
3 times over. that was his whole day's output. and he was very
hurt that i laughed. it was the only time he got angry with me
through this. he said it was very disconcerting to feel so out of
control and that it was sad, not funny. i can never think of it
without crying intensely. i hadn't really thought it was funny at
the time, it just suprised me. no one convered more for his confused
statements or tried to figure them out more then i did. i always
understood it was just the morphine interupting the brain signal.
My dad was a very smart guy. he was an electrical technician in
an aerospace department for over 30 years, fixing parts to rockets.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be more directly involved with the doctors, interview them myself.
I hesitated to do this before because I felt it was interfering with
my fathers right as an individual, but by the end he was begging me
to help him and talk to the doctors for him. i wanted to help, but
they didn't let me until it was too late. and now i know i probably
wouldn't have done any better a job at it than they did. my mother
didn't even talk to the doctors much until he was very bad off.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have the help of my father's best friend. he got alll of our medical
equipment, research financial things for us. my father always used
to joke that he was going to call "his lawyer"(this friend of his)
about different things because this friend has been through a lot
of medical problems (his daughter and he both have disabilities).
he was devastated when my father actually died - calling me just
to tell me he knew him for 50 years, he kept repeating it over and
over until i finally started crying. our friends and family were
very good at visiting. my aunt and uncle came from maine every week.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about how well he was a year ago, all the trips my parents
had planned, how my mother, a 58 year old woman, is now a widow.
i still cry daily, whenever i think about my father when I'm alone
(it's only been a month and a 3 days since his death).
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
everything would be great. he died 2 days after i started a
new job. he was very excited about my new job. 2 weeks later
i got a new car. it was the first time anyone did anything like
that without his help - he was a mechanic. and my father and i were
very much alike. we always talked a lot about all kinds of things.
he was very enthusiastic about life and learning new things, a very
interesting, inquisitive person.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I thought it was fair enough he got cancer, even though we're not
cancer people, we're heart attack people. He fully expected to die
of a heart attack and i was prepped continuously from the time i
was a child to be prepared for his early death from a massive heart
attack. he always led a very active life, i think because he was
so certain he would die early. he did live to be 67, surpassing
his father by 17 years. but i do feel he was gyped because he
walked 5 miles a day at an aerobic pace, was very interested in
health care, read about it and talked about it, kept up with the
latest medical stuff. and so many people live at least 2-3 years
with cancer that i thought he would too. but when it goes to your
liver, it is usually very quick.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
spend more time at the cemetary. ask the doctors if and when they
knew he would die. ask if there was anything we could have done.
ask if there was ever any hope for him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Each new diagnosis for my father was an additional blow to me.
And death seems to be like one more. it did feel "unreal" at first
and still does. but i acknowledged his death right away because i
was very in-tune with the whole thing from the beginning. i had a
very bad feeling for the past couple of years - after his initial
angina attacks - that he would not be with us for many more years.
ironically, his heart problems disappeared when he developed cancer,
and his heart was the last thing to go. his vital signs were strong
utnil the very end.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
i have lost most of my respect for doctors (this is not an ER episode
and they are not like Doctor Carter). i didn't think this would
happen to me since I work with doctors and nurses in a health
research company, and my best friend's sister is an oncologist.
I don't blame them for not knowing things, just for not caring.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They really did care. The nurses at the rehab place were very
caring. One of them even cried when she saw I was upset. They all
came out to meet us the day after his death, when we went to pick up
his clothes. They were very supportive. The week he died, I asked
the doctor if he coiuld have a morphine drip since the nurses could
barely get the medicine into his mouth by this point. The doctor
said arrogantly "he looks comfortable enough to me, doesn't he
to you?". And i couldnt' argue because he did. But within 12
hours the hospice came in and insisted that he get a morphine drip.
the nurses told us the doctors will not listen to anyone but the
hospice people. i think he was much more comfortable the last 3 days
of his life with the drip, and it made the nurses job much easier.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
It doesn't play a huge role in our lives, though it was nice that the
minister dropped in to see him at the hospital during his operation
and at then end, as well as gave a nice funeral service.
--Religious Affiliation:
Protestant - Congregational
--Regarding MONEY:
no money issues except that these drugs are extremely expens
