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See Current contributions.
See Aug 99 contributions.
See Jul 99 contributions.
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Wed Sep 29 19:12:01 1999
M54 in Gladesville, NSW =Australia=
Name: Jim Lemon
Email: <jim.lemon-at-uts.edu.au>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
In the course of research for a palliative care study
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Prof/Studies: Research psychologist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: respiratory failure; Aged: 99.
--Details:
wife's grandmother, with whom I had formed a very good relationship,
died of old age.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of existence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wondered what it was like
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... both grandmothers died, paternal rather
suddenly, maternal of longer illness. Witnessed neither death but
as I recall it was my first direct experience.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the variety of responses by her many friends and relatives
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
understanding it in terms of life
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
?
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
what I had learned from inquiring about the matter
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss of a treasured relationship (my father) and regret for
things I had not done.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't be bound by the past - make the most of what is left in life.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
through reminiscence, I hope I have understood him (and myself)
better.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I hope I can laugh at the old bastard when it's my turn.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
many things, all perhaps important, all certainly irreversible.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend some time with dying relatives or friends, and sometimes say
or do what seemed to be the right thing.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
?
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the after-death (funereal, not spiritual) business
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I discover some connection between what I am doing and the life of
the dead person
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Too many possibilities for more than brief fantasies
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
well of course it's not fair - wrong domain.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
no, not too difficult.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
my response to death has usually been pretty immediate.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
a conflict of life extension and personal suffering
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nil
--Religious Affiliation:
born Catholic - none for the past 30-40 years
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
the human questions about death are mostly the same, the answers
proposed vary
--Regarding MONEY:
for some, it costs a lot to die.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my family's quiet sadness
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
highly variable
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
take a chance - it may be the last one you have with them
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
many things I've thought about in the intervening time
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
the problem of delaying death unnecessarily
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
One hopes to cope well
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
no single event
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
principally a learning experience - I don't recall overwhelming grief
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
?
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
sometimes hard to generate short answers to questions that ask
about events occurring over a long time and in many situations
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
some questions assume that a person will have had experiences or
feelings that don't seem all that universal.
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Wed Sep 29 17:28:13 1999
F25 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
I didn't have a chance to finish answering the first time so I've
just done the second have of the questionnaire.
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
A couple of days before she died(even before I knew she was sick)
I sensed the presence of two other friends who had died recently.
Then a couple of weeks after she died I had a dream where I saw her
and she was happy and not sick. It was really breif and I wasn't
there as a participant, just an observer. Friends said that I had
the dream because I needed to but I think it was more than that.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think my sister knew just how I felt about her. A first I felt
a lot of guilt about certain things that happened before she died,
such as not spending enough time with her and just always expecting
that there would be time tomorrow. I don't think that there are
any particular issues that I have but I would like to be able to
talk about her with friends without them getting freaked out on
me. She was a huge part of my life and there are a lot of memories
that involve her and people get uncomfortable when I bring them up.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
There are a lot of things that come to mind such as wanting to make
sure she knows how much I appreciate her friendship, but I really
think she knows all that. I'd like to her from her that she knew
that somethings that happened just before she died, I'm sorry
for. I'd like to know that she's happy. I think some of these
things that I am coming to on my own and there is a sense of relief.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
We used to hike together a lot, everyday, and one day on a hike
I really got the sense that she was there. I stopped and stood in
the breeze and just felt enveloped in her presence.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It sounds cliche but when I think of death I just want to make the
most of everyday, making sure that people know how I feel about
them, not letting fear stop me from doing things. After she died
I realized that life went on and that as much as it hurt and made
me angry, I had to keep doing what I was going to do.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Just before she died we made prayer ties together. I learned of
prayer ties from a Lakota Sioux medicine man. I said wanted to focus
on how much time we'd had together and not focus on the impending. It
was also a way for me to feel apart of sending her off and wishing
her a peaceful journey. I didn't want her to go but it was right
for her. It was really nice for both of us because we had done the
same thing for another family member who had died 5 months before.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Now that it's been a little longer I've been able to be thankful
for her influence in my life and to see that more clearly. Before
I was just so angry, and felt like I'd hurt enough and just wanted
my best friend back. Now I can think of her without that clenching
in my chest and give thanks for our time together.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I had friends that were there when she died that became much better
friends because this was so huge I couldn't deal with it by myself
(my usual style). I was forced to let down my defenses and let
people help me. I wasn't sure who was going to be able to be there
and as it turned out it was everyone I wanted and no one I didn't
want. I also ended up meeting and making a good connection with
a professor that I had just after she died. I'd thought of taking
this class the semester before and just didn't. Then I took it and
it ended up being very helpful in my healing.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I would call a friend, weeping and she hang in there with me until
I was done. I just need people to listen and to understand that I
couldn't fuction very well because it felt like my world shattered.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I haven't re-thought my beliefs but it's been nice to have these
questions to answer and be able to freely write about these
feelings. And to know that there must be similarites in people's
grief.
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Wed Sep 29 15:25:42 1999
F23 in huntsville, tx =america=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Psychology
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
none
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, yrs 1 ago.
Cause of Death: himself; Aged: 23.
--Details:
I yelled at him the night before, and my husband went over and
seen him, he tried to call us 3 times, but our truck kept giving
us problems and we didn't get home in time to talk to him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our selfish, narsicistic phyisical form. to feel no more,
senses shut down forever.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was taunted by my brothers cruel remarks, because we were to young
and insenstive to understand. Very sureal.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was in 4th grade and the guy that sat next
to me (i had a crush on him)got dragged 2 miles by a calf.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everyone selfishness, couldn't grive properly, since it was a
suicide alot of conspiricy therory's that got in the way
--What I think my (america) culture needs to better learn about death is:
be more compassionate, don't mesh personal feelings with the respect
the deceased deserves, i understand denial is the first typical
reaction, but keep into perspective the cause, especially in the
instance of suicide.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
death's gift is....... NONE. you leave people behind,
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
to deal with death as if its a new begging, the way they would have
inspired you to if they were still here.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the guilt,
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i was remembering all the great times that we had, that noone would
ever know about, our little road trips
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him I was sorry, that I loved him, that I was always going to
be his sissy
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
stand my family as long as i had to
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
our family got close for a month
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see certain things around that remind me of how he was, if i'm
going through problems and think of what he would say if it was him
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would be happy, and he would have annoyed me still
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he should have been his problem that he solved, not ended it and
took the easy way out
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
slap him for this
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried louder and let myself grieve as much as needed, I still let
myself deal with it
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
it could have been alot more respectful
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing, i'm agnostic, but i was the one that said a prayer for him,
thought he might have a little better of a chance if he needed it
--Religious Affiliation:
athiest
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
kenetic energy, we join everything
--Regarding MONEY:
he was cremated because it was cheaper, he didn't want that he was
scared of burning, and his wish wasn't respected
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my mom made us 4 hours late
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how others deal with it, how selfish people are
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
there was none
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he was to drunk to halucinate
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
he knows that i didn't mean it, he never could stay mad at me,
alot was going on,
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i wouldn't say anything, i'd just give him a huge hug and tell him
that i miss him
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
how they want thier bodies when they go, he didn't want to be
cremated. i want to be donated to science, if that wasn't carried
out, i would be upset
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i think its our mortality that makes humans so selfish, we are
narsasistic to want to live forever, if i died at 23 (now) or 80
i don't think would make that much of a difference, death doesn't
scare me, just makes me happy and grateful of what i have now
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I went to the house where he did it, i said bye to him for a while,
made my peace
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i'm not as suicidal, i was when i was younger, but i see how my
husband took his death and couldn't do that to him
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
there was, my family was coming together, but that only last a month,
my husband and i are alot closer
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
my brother and husband got closer, me and my brother are talking
for the first time in years
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i've dealt with it, i'm going to send my husband to this site,
it helps put things into perspective
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Wed Sep 29 11:00:11 1999
F43 in Toronto, ON =Canada=
Name: Marie moniz
Email: <mmoniz-at-ctf.ca>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looking for other people who lost their dads
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Prof/Studies: receptionist\secretary
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More personal info:
does it every get better? anyone that lost their dad and would like
to talk about it, just e-mail me.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 months ago ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 69.
--Details:
My dad had a severe heart attack that left him brain death. He had it
on a July 8 Thursday at 12a.m. and died on Tuesday July 13, 4:30p.m.
He was on machines for a few days, but then they were removed. He
never woke up from the attack. The doctors said he could not feel
anything, no pain, but I felt he could feel some pain. Maybe he
wanted to wake up and say something to us and couldn't, no one will
ever know now.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
It feels like your heart is ripped out of your chest, it feels like
you are empty and you will never be happy again,
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Felt bad, but if its now someone really close to you, its now the
same, you feel badly, but when its your dad, you're whole world is
blown away.
--That first time, how it happened was
I was 16 when my grandfather died, he lived in Portugal, I didn't
really know him. My aunt died when I was 20, That was a hard day,
I liked her very much. I also had some older friends that meant
alot to me die too.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
anger, everyone was so angry with eachother.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
when my dad was on the bed at the hospital, my sisters and I would
talk to him, my aunt would tell us not to. That it is a bad thing
to do, that by talking to him would not let m leave this life in
a good way, that we should not be reminding him of what he was
leaving behind. my sisters and I thought this was crazy. and we
did talk to my dad until his last breath.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing good has come of this.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I really don't like to talk to anyone about him. I have just
recently come to the net and search for sites on deaths of fathers,
and come across this site, from here I have e-mail a few people
and they have e-mailed me, we talk about our losses and this has
actually helped me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The hardest part is that I will never see that beautiful face again,
he had the bluest eyes, and my favourite was his nose, My daughter
Jeannette has a nose just like his, somethimes I look at her nose
and think of my dad. The hardest part is watching how sas my mom
is, and how lonely she is. Things will never be the same again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
none
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I have learned nothing good about this, All I know is that I will
never see him again, and I have a hard time accepting this.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The whole deal was a confusion to me. I was there physically but
mentally I was lost
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did laugh sometimes during the viewing actually, just because I
was trying to make my mom feel better, so I would say stupid things
and my sister and me and my mom would laugh, but only beause we
were nervous.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I would have gone to see him more than I did. He did come
to my house often, but I did not take as much time a I could've to
see him. I promised him things at his death bed that I am not able
to fulfil now. and my heart breaks over this.I wish I had told him
when he was alive, how much he meant to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
that I was able to stand up and go through the funeral day, and
meet all the people that came for the viewing. and having to hear
them all say, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry................................,
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
nothing impressed me
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
nothing mattered, nothing will ever matter
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about my dad everyday, no matter where I am, the worst time
is when I go to church on Sundays, I don't think about it, but my
mind and body feel it, and the tears just come down like a flood,
and no matter what I cann't stop it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't know, hope its a better place
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
No, its not fair, I see life now like Russian Rulette. a game,
to see who will be next. one day you are here, the next you are not.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sometimes its so hard, I feel like I'm losing my mind, but I try
to look strong on the outside, but inside I ache
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I still haven't come to grips with it. I still sometimes pretend
he went out for a while.and will be back soon.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
nothing
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
nothing
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Father Michael was a great help to our family, during my fathers
stay at the hospital and at the funeral.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I feel nothing
--Regarding MONEY:
funerals are very expensive
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everything was fine
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
my dad did not look like himself in the coffin
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
don't know
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
none
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I hope my dad is with his brother, mother and father, and all his
friends, and is happy
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no, but I wish my dad would come back and let me know where he is
and how he is. I hope he is watching me and my family
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no one
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want my dad to tell my mom to come and live with one of us,
I would want to tell my dad how much I loved him and how things will
never be the same without him. I want him to tell my mom that he
is fine, and for her to be ok, and not be scared anymore.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
unfortunately no, I would love to see my dad
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
my dad wanted us to take care of my mom.. but my mom wants things her
way or no way, she will not compromise, and I find it very difficult,
I want to do the right thing but am haveing a difficult time with
this. she is too afraid to sleep alone, and to be alone in her home,
she wants someone with her all the time, we want her to move in with
us, but she refuses, my sisters kids go and stay there with her,
I feel bad for her, because my sister not only lost my dad but
one of her kids as well. she is always with my mom, and its not
fair. but my mom does not see this. wish I knew what to do. wish
my dad didn't die. he held her together, he spoiled her.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think the people who die are not the ones who have to worry,
its the ones who remain.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
music doing these questions, talking to people on the net with
the same experience
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am not the same person, will never be. I am not happy now
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I can't even help myself
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
some questions where ok, others brough back bad memories,
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
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Wed Sep 29 10:59:41 1999
F43 in Toronto, ON =Canada=
Name: Marie moniz
Email: <mmoniz-at-ctf.ca>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looking for other people who lost their dads
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Prof/Studies: receptionist\secretary
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
More personal info:
does it every get better? anyone that lost their dad and would like
to talk about it, just e-mail me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 months ago ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 69.
--Details:
My dad had a severe heart attack that left him brain death. He had it
on a July 8 Thursday at 12a.m. and died on Tuesday July 13, 4:30p.m.
He was on machines for a few days, but then they were removed. He
never woke up from the attack. The doctors said he could not feel
anything, no pain, but I felt he could feel some pain. Maybe he
wanted to wake up and say something to us and couldn't, no one will
ever know now.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
It feels like your heart is ripped out of your chest, it feels like
you are empty and you will never be happy again,
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Felt bad, but if its now someone really close to you, its now the
same, you feel badly, but when its your dad, you're whole world is
blown away.
--That first time, how it happened was
I was 16 when my grandfather died, he lived in Portugal, I didn't
really know him. My aunt died when I was 20, That was a hard day,
I liked her very much. I also had some older friends that meant
alot to me die too.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
anger, everyone was so angry with eachother.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
when my dad was on the bed at the hospital, my sisters and I would
talk to him, my aunt would tell us not to. That it is a bad thing
to do, that by talking to him would not let m leave this life in
a good way, that we should not be reminding him of what he was
leaving behind. my sisters and I thought this was crazy. and we
did talk to my dad until his last breath.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing good has come of this.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I really don't like to talk to anyone about him. I have just
recently come to the net and search for sites on deaths of fathers,
and come across this site, from here I have e-mail a few people
and they have e-mailed me, we talk about our losses and this has
actually helped me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The hardest part is that I will never see that beautiful face again,
he had the bluest eyes, and my favourite was his nose, My daughter
Jeannette has a nose just like his, somethimes I look at her nose
and think of my dad. The hardest part is watching how sas my mom
is, and how lonely she is. Things will never be the same again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
none
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I have learned nothing good about this, All I know is that I will
never see him again, and I have a hard time accepting this.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The whole deal was a confusion to me. I was there physically but
mentally I was lost
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did laugh sometimes during the viewing actually, just because I
was trying to make my mom feel better, so I would say stupid things
and my sister and me and my mom would laugh, but only beause we
were nervous.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I would have gone to see him more than I did. He did come
to my house often, but I did not take as much time a I could've to
see him. I promised him things at his death bed that I am not able
to fulfil now. and my heart breaks over this.I wish I had told him
when he was alive, how much he meant to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
that I was able to stand up and go through the funeral day, and
meet all the people that came for the viewing. and having to hear
them all say, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry................................,
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
nothing impressed me
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
nothing mattered, nothing will ever matter
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about my dad everyday, no matter where I am, the worst time
is when I go to church on Sundays, I don't think about it, but my
mind and body feel it, and the tears just come down like a flood,
and no matter what I cann't stop it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't know, hope its a better place
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
No, its not fair, I see life now like Russian Rulette. a game,
to see who will be next. one day you are here, the next you are not.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sometimes its so hard, I feel like I'm losing my mind, but I try
to look strong on the outside, but inside I ache
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I still haven't come to grips with it. I still sometimes pretend
he went out for a while.and will be back soon.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
nothing
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
nothing
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Father Michael was a great help to our family, during my fathers
stay at the hospital and at the funeral.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I feel nothing
--Regarding MONEY:
funerals are very expensive
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everything was fine
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
my dad did not look like himself in the coffin
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
don't know
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
none
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I hope my dad is with his brother, mother and father, and all his
friends, and is happy
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no, but I wish my dad would come back and let me know where he is
and how he is. I hope he is watching me and my family
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no one
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want my dad to tell my mom to come and live with one of us,
I would want to tell my dad how much I loved him and how things will
never be the same without him. I want him to tell my mom that he
is fine, and for her to be ok, and not be scared anymore.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
unfortunately no, I would love to see my dad
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
my dad wanted us to take care of my mom.. but my mom wants things her
way or no way, she will not compromise, and I find it very difficult,
I want to do the right thing but am haveing a difficult time with
this. she is too afraid to sleep alone, and to be alone in her home,
she wants someone with her all the time, we want her to move in with
us, but she refuses, my sisters kids go and stay there with her,
I feel bad for her, because my sister not only lost my dad but
one of her kids as well. she is always with my mom, and its not
fair. but my mom does not see this. wish I knew what to do. wish
my dad didn't die. he held her together, he spoiled her.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think the people who die are not the ones who have to worry,
its the ones who remain.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
music doing these questions, talking to people on the net with
the same experience
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am not the same person, will never be. I am not happy now
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I can't even help myself
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
some questions where ok, others brough back bad memories,
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
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Wed Sep 29 10:59:42 1999
F43 in Toronto, ON =Canada=
Name: Marie moniz
Email: <mmoniz-at-ctf.ca>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looking for other people who lost their dads
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Prof/Studies: receptionist\secretary
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More personal info:
does it every get better? anyone that lost their dad and would like
to talk about it, just e-mail me.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 months ago ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 69.
--Details:
My dad had a severe heart attack that left him brain death. He had it
on a July 8 Thursday at 12a.m. and died on Tuesday July 13, 4:30p.m.
He was on machines for a few days, but then they were removed. He
never woke up from the attack. The doctors said he could not feel
anything, no pain, but I felt he could feel some pain. Maybe he
wanted to wake up and say something to us and couldn't, no one will
ever know now.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
It feels like your heart is ripped out of your chest, it feels like
you are empty and you will never be happy again,
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Felt bad, but if its now someone really close to you, its now the
same, you feel badly, but when its your dad, you're whole world is
blown away.
--That first time, how it happened was
I was 16 when my grandfather died, he lived in Portugal, I didn't
really know him. My aunt died when I was 20, That was a hard day,
I liked her very much. I also had some older friends that meant
alot to me die too.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
anger, everyone was so angry with eachother.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
when my dad was on the bed at the hospital, my sisters and I would
talk to him, my aunt would tell us not to. That it is a bad thing
to do, that by talking to him would not let m leave this life in
a good way, that we should not be reminding him of what he was
leaving behind. my sisters and I thought this was crazy. and we
did talk to my dad until his last breath.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing good has come of this.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I really don't like to talk to anyone about him. I have just
recently come to the net and search for sites on deaths of fathers,
and come across this site, from here I have e-mail a few people
and they have e-mailed me, we talk about our losses and this has
actually helped me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The hardest part is that I will never see that beautiful face again,
he had the bluest eyes, and my favourite was his nose, My daughter
Jeannette has a nose just like his, somethimes I look at her nose
and think of my dad. The hardest part is watching how sas my mom
is, and how lonely she is. Things will never be the same again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
none
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I have learned nothing good about this, All I know is that I will
never see him again, and I have a hard time accepting this.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The whole deal was a confusion to me. I was there physically but
mentally I was lost
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did laugh sometimes during the viewing actually, just because I
was trying to make my mom feel better, so I would say stupid things
and my sister and me and my mom would laugh, but only beause we
were nervous.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I would have gone to see him more than I did. He did come
to my house often, but I did not take as much time a I could've to
see him. I promised him things at his death bed that I am not able
to fulfil now. and my heart breaks over this.I wish I had told him
when he was alive, how much he meant to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
that I was able to stand up and go through the funeral day, and
meet all the people that came for the viewing. and having to hear
them all say, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry................................,
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
nothing impressed me
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
nothing mattered, nothing will ever matter
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about my dad everyday, no matter where I am, the worst time
is when I go to church on Sundays, I don't think about it, but my
mind and body feel it, and the tears just come down like a flood,
and no matter what I cann't stop it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't know, hope its a better place
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
No, its not fair, I see life now like Russian Rulette. a game,
to see who will be next. one day you are here, the next you are not.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sometimes its so hard, I feel like I'm losing my mind, but I try
to look strong on the outside, but inside I ache
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I still haven't come to grips with it. I still sometimes pretend
he went out for a while.and will be back soon.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
nothing
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
nothing
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Father Michael was a great help to our family, during my fathers
stay at the hospital and at the funeral.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I feel nothing
--Regarding MONEY:
funerals are very expensive
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everything was fine
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
my dad did not look like himself in the coffin
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
don't know
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
none
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I hope my dad is with his brother, mother and father, and all his
friends, and is happy
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no, but I wish my dad would come back and let me know where he is
and how he is. I hope he is watching me and my family
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no one
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want my dad to tell my mom to come and live with one of us,
I would want to tell my dad how much I loved him and how things will
never be the same without him. I want him to tell my mom that he
is fine, and for her to be ok, and not be scared anymore.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
unfortunately no, I would love to see my dad
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
my dad wanted us to take care of my mom.. but my mom wants things her
way or no way, she will not compromise, and I find it very difficult,
I want to do the right thing but am haveing a difficult time with
this. she is too afraid to sleep alone, and to be alone in her home,
she wants someone with her all the time, we want her to move in with
us, but she refuses, my sisters kids go and stay there with her,
I feel bad for her, because my sister not only lost my dad but
one of her kids as well. she is always with my mom, and its not
fair. but my mom does not see this. wish I knew what to do. wish
my dad didn't die. he held her together, he spoiled her.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think the people who die are not the ones who have to worry,
its the ones who remain.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
music doing these questions, talking to people on the net with
the same experience
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am not the same person, will never be. I am not happy now
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I can't even help myself
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
some questions where ok, others brough back bad memories,
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
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Tue Sep 28 10:51:16 1999
F49 in Glendale, AZ =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Part of class assignment
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Prof/Studies: College Professor, Psychology
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
How to Survive the Loss of a Love
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 39 ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 54.
--Details:
My mother died from breast cance 5 years after the death of my
father who died from a cerebral hemmorhage.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a passing into another type of existence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to understand what had happened. Father died when
I was 4 year old.
--That first time, how it happened was
Father
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Two of my best friends have died, leaving me feeling very alone
(although I have a big family and many friends).
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is a part of life and we must prepare for it and realize
that it can happen at any time.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was listed as an honorary pall bearer for one of my friends --
and I was the only girl.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my faith in God.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The loneliness that resulted.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Do things for them -- distracting things. Don't talk about them
to other people, talk directly to them. Treat them with respect.
Turn on the music. Break a few hospital rules (within reason,
of course).
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
raised my children to know that no matter what might happen to any
of us, we have loved each other deeply. ...that we need to savor
every precious moment. Some things in life are not important enough
to worry/argue/dwell on.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
The funeral home that served us after my niece died was called
"Green Acres". No one said much about it but once, while talking
to the director, out of a crowd that included myself, my nieces
and nephew, children, etc., someone started singing, "Green Acres
is the place to be..." We exploded in laughter. Laughter that is
characteristic of this family but which we had not displayed for
several days.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I have few regrets relative to my relationship with the people who
I have loved and who have died. Probably because, being an orphan,
I have always been cognizant that anything can happend, anytime,
and we should celebrate every day of life.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
find a loving foster mother.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see them missing in a place they used to be (either physically
or symbolically).
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I often think about how, if my parents hadn't died, I'd have grown
up in a different state, gone to different schools, married someone
different, etc.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the people I have loved and who were so important to my
development and happiness, died at so young an age.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
missed them -- mother, father, two newborn babies, two best friends,
one close friend, niece, aunt, uncle (with whom I lived after
parents died). They all died too young -- they all left me too soon.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Failure by the medical community to help.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice was not an option for us in the 1960's
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
People who supported us -- with prayers, love, clothes, money,
foster care home referrals, card tricks (priests...), etc.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that people could stand within feet of my mother's casket and talk
and laugh. (I was 10 years old.)
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
the grief does not go away. It becomes a part of who we are and
affects how we look at life. It makes us more appreciative of every
day. If we were to move to "Acceptance" and stay there, we may lose
the lesson of appreciation we learned through the death experience.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues with my friends and parents who have
died.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Mom, help me mother my children. Daddy, help me write. Steve,
let's just laugh. Judy, let's find Steve. Angela, I love you.
Cheryl, I love you. Forrest, thank you for the spiritual direction
you offered me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Just before the birth of my first child, I saw my mother, at my
bedroom door, in her wheelchair. I can no longer recall what she
said to me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My children know what to do when I die. They have already claimed
various belongings and will be able to continue their lives with
positive thoughts about our life together.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have planned my funeral. My children know where the plans are.
It will be a good one. Lots of music. A celebration of life and
what we had together. A celebration of all of the positive and
funny times we had together.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I look around at the abundance of blessings I have and try to
appreciate each and every one of them -- children, career, home,
friends, church, brothers, the guy who mows the yard, the nice lady
at the bank, etc.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
During a particularly sad day in my life (my husband had just
announced that he was leaving me), I was sitting in a chair crying,
wishing my mother were there to comfort me. During those moments,
the phone rang and it was my foster mother saying, "I just felt
that your mother wanted me to call you right now."
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
Being raised without a father
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
You say "work through" as though there is an end to it. How can
someone "finish" a grieving process for someone they loved? Sure,
the sting may go away some, but a part of our lives is missing.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was cathartic is some ways but I am annoyed when professionals (I
am a psychologist, myself) established stages or expectations that
everyone will follow or go through in an expected period of time.
Kubler-Ross's stages of death and dying have been so misused that
people believe if they are at a certain "stage" at a certain time
that there must be something wrong with them -- contributing to
their the difficulties they're already experiencing. You may not be
doing this but a few words in the questions triggered this response.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Sep 28 08:00:53 1999
F19 in Auburn, Al =U.S.=
Name: Courtney Baldridge
Email: <baldrcf-at-mail.auburn.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student( Aereospace Engineering)
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Alex: the life of a child
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Frank DeFord
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, yrs 4 ago.
Cause of Death: Car accident; Aged: 16.
--Details:
She was hit by a train and there were passengers in her car with
her who also were killed. She was blamed for their deaths. I have
a history of deaths in my family caused by train accidents.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our emotional existence. Our body still remains but we
are inanmate. Our functions shut down we begin to decompose.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Asked a lot of questions about the subject of dying but never
seemed to get the answers I was searching for. Everyones stories
had holes in it and many I could not handle because they were not
based in my scientific beliefs.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandmother had cancer but the news was very
sudden and she didn't have long to live. She could have survived
longer if she had taken her medication but she refused it. I was 9.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The fact that I did not attend the funeral or see the body gave me
a way to deny that the event occured. Because of this, I always
remember her alive. I beleive I remember her more often because
of it as well. I don't think I dwell on the death but I do know
that occasionally I forget she is dead.
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That we need to not always associate death with religion. What if
you die and there is no after-life? Then you had spent your whole
life trying to conform to a religion and not enough time enjoying
who you really are.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death opened my eyes about many subjects for which I never would have
questioned if I had not had so many deaths in my life. It served
to remind me that time is not infinite. Everything that had a
beginning has an end.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Taking quite time to myself just to think and sort through the
situation on my own with no one else telling me how I should grieve.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Every time I realized the person wasn't here anymore, I realized that
one day neither would I and it made me angry at my own mortality.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them know that they made a difference in your life and that
the time they spent on Earth wasn't wasted.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Didn't cry whenever I saw her lying on her deathbed. I feel
its important not to cry but to also let them know that they'll
be missed.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The person seemed so calm about the whole situation as though they
didn't realize that they were about to not exist anymore.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did it because when I went to school, everyone was talking about
her as though she were their best friend. Even the people who made
her life horrible were saying all the things that she wished they
would've said when she were alive. I thought she would have found
that funny so I laughed at them.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be there for her family. They were disapointed that I didn't attend
the funeral and when I didn't keep in touch, they said that it was
like losing two daughters.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
hold myself together until the worst was over.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
When my grandmother died, my father cried. I had never seen him
cry before.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
when people would say they were sirry about the death as though it
were their fault and then ask if there were anything they could do
as though they could take away the pain.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about how each second that passes is a moment in time
we can never get back and a second closer to our end. Or when,
I think about what happens to us after death. Should I beleive in
heaven and hell? If it does exist, hell couldn't possibly be as bad
as nonexistence. At least in hell you are able to think and feel.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Would I be the same person thinking the same thoughts? What if their
death had to happen in order for me to be the person I am today?
If that's true, who am I and why am I that person? What is my
ultimate fate? Do I believe in fate?
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That good people die from stupid people's mistakes.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Be blissfully ignorant of the world and its deeper meanings.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was angry at her for dying and leaving me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
indifference. At the time I didn't care what the doctrs could do
for her, I was to busy feeling sorry for her.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I would hate to die in a place so sterile. To have my last vision be
that of a ceiling. I want to die under the sky, outside, maybe alone
because I don't want to upset anyone or know that they are grieving.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing. I attempted to find solace in the church but ended up
more upset.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist. But not by my own choice. My parents were baptist so I
was born into it.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Accurate. We are all born and will all die and that's all that
matters. Put petty differences aside. Everyone's greatest fear is
the same and that is what unites us.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Tue Sep 28 07:25:46 1999
F42 in oconto falls, wi =usa=
Name: denise wittman
Email: <denise-at-ez-net.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: hospice RN
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Tibetean Book of Living and Dying/Passages/Talking to
Heaven/Conversations with God I, II, and III
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1 1/2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 42.
--Details:
She was also my boss, we spent so much time together. We knew
the details of each others daily lives like two junior high best
girlfriends would know.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A time to shed the body and allow the spirit to return home for
rest and reflection.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked and numb. It seemed like the world should stop and
take notice. I was amazed that things just go on as before.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a high school acquaintance was killed in a
car accident, his girlfriend survived. He was 16 or 17. He was in
my speech class on Friday then that weekend he was dead.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how much she and I spoke of death. How so many events and
conversations we had now looking bad seem as if on some level we
knew she would die soon.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
At least talk about it to children from early on.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It made me confront the fundamental religious beliefs taught in
childhood for one final time. Those beliefs do not limit me now.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Letter writing to someone who I did not know very well but was very
close to the deceased. Since her death we write each other weekly.
It is the single most therapuetic measure I have taken.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Missing someone who was bright and loved to laugh at everyday life.
I have a tendency to be too serious and she would put it all in
perspective with fun. I don't like having superficial relationships
so she is hard to replace.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't feel you need to "do" anything. This is a time to stop
doing and be in the moment out of respect for the person you are
saying goodbye to. It is a priveledge to be present at the time
the spirit leaves.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
though a reader of death and dying/religious/hospice literature;
nothing I had studied prepared me for all the mixed feelings
I experienced.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I knew I had to face the staff in her absence, try to make sense
of things and try to comfort them when I was blown apart.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
This occured at my mother in law's funeral. I loved my motherin law
very much, she was one of the most non judgemental persons I have
ever encountered. She and I loved old hymns and church music. During
her funeral, the congregation began to sing Old Rugged Cross and
as crazy as it seems I heard in my head her voice say clearly
"Can't they sing any better than that?" I laughed alot during the
funeral and I am ashamed only because of how it looked to others.
They didn't haul me away because they love me enough to figure
there must have been a good reason.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I have no regrets, One week before I said out loud how much I
appreciated her friendship and it meant the world to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Return to my office the next day and try to be strong and maintain
normalcy of a sort for all the people who worked for her and cared
about her.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Something funny happens and I'd love to share it with her.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I can imagine visiting her in the realm she is in now and discussing
at length what reasons we have the problems we do here on earth
just exactly as we used to.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
because she was just about to resolve things with her mother,
she was making such headway with her personal issues.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
spent hours out in the woods walking, crying and talking to her.
I felt betrayed that she left me.
--Religious Affiliation:
Past Southern Baptist, current: no organized religious affiliation.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
natural and welcome. In order to maintain a view such as this in
the American Society, I must take time to be alone and discover
the truth. Living in a culture that denies death takes much self
work to overcome the propaganda.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
though I am a hospice nurse and have been an RN for 20 years and
have seen many deaths, I hyperventilated and panicked leaving
quickly when I saw my friend in the casket at the wake.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I had a dream a month before she died in which she and I were
standing side by side and she was showing me her wristwatch with
broken hands, not working.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
As a hospice nurse we routinely review physical signs of impending
death, periods of apnea, mottling, decreased output, "death rattle"
etc. We have written material to leave with family which has been
helpful to most.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Grieving itself is a gift. My friends death was a gift to me and
changed me and moved me to a higher level in my life and I thank
her for that. I appreciate now more.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I know you will be there for me when this life is over and I cannot
wait to talk to you about everything from the other perspective.
I know that we have had many lifetimes together and I am sure it's
not over. What will the next one be like?
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Difficult to put into words: Just before sleep I experienced a "hug"
of a sort which filled me with warm love and it was from her no doubt
though I did not see or hear anything. You would have to have been
me and understand the context. My dead friend sent me a message
through a mutual friend in a dream. The message was "Don't cry,
my work was done." Which is very strange because it is the exact
words used in a story we both read and were discussing 2 weeks prior.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I can't wait to experience that all encompassing love, death will
be the easy part. The hard part is now, trying to remain at one
with God in daily life.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Most definitely, I have become very close with someone who was a
close friend of the deceased but just a casual acquaintance to me.
I have no doubt that my friend who died set this one up. She did
it to help me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Books & Films
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
Raised in southern Baptist tradition, we were taught that only good
Baptists go to heaven, others go to hell. Even as a child I knew
this was wrong but all that brainwashing weighed heavily on me when
thinking about the death of my non-Baptist friend.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wrote letters to her husband and sons which I feel were partly
inspired by my deceased friend.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Thorough. I am interested in the topic. May be overwhelming for
some, you'll see by the response you have. I commend you for having
a place for venting, saying what may not be able to be said out loud.
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Tue Sep 28 02:45:51 1999
F50 in Sacramento, California =USA=
Name: Diane Grissum
Email: <grissum-at-earthlink.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: On disability
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More personal info:
I'm interested in finding people who have lived with cancer for a
long time and how they've handled it.
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and Bernie Segal,several others
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), still aalive ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer, most likely; Aged: unknown.
--Details:
When asked what relation they were to me you didn't include myself.
I'm the person dying and have been for the past 12 yrs. I was
diagnosed with cancer and have not been free of it for 12 yrs. They
have expected me to die many times.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
just one more leg of life journey, we leave this mortal body and
with time we receive another body to continue on until we reach a
place of perfection. I believe in reincarnation because I know it
is almost impossible to reach that level in just one lifetime.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I remember my grandmother dying and the viewing and all the sorrow.
My grandmother wasn't very happy being alive so I thought that she
just might be happy now.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was 3yrs old and diagnosed with polio. My
mother who was an RN (the finest RN) noticed that I kept falling
down and rushed me to a doctor who diagnosed as polio and I was
immediatly hospitalized. The nurses and doctors were very much afraid
of polio and my mother felt she could take better care of me at home.
She took a leave of absence and nursed me back to health. She did
an unbelievable job. Of the children that were in the hospital with
me I'm the only one to survive.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I lost members of the support group I was in and though I knew
that they were happy and not in pain anymore I missed them.
They understood me & I understood them. Their families were
griefstricken and I wanted to tell them that they would be together
again and to rejoice in their life.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It isn't to be feared and it isn't the end. Death is just a part
of living.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death has a way of bringing people together who may never have known
one another in any other circumstance. For me, It has brought some
of the most courageous and beautiful people I will ever know,
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
At first family but as time went by and I managed to beat the odds
they grew tired of me. I never very felt great and my mental
condition was deteriorating which made them stay away. Which was
fine with me because I was tired of trying to appear ok so they
wouldn't worry.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Losing so many friends and knowing that I just kept on living gave
me survivors guilt.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them know you're there and also let them know it's OK for them
to let go. Don't try to hold on to someone who is ready and needs
to go. They'll stay because they don't want to cause so much grief.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Hope to die with dygnity and peaceful surroundings
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Accepting the fact that death is going to happen no matter what.
Learning that is isn't something to be afraid of is the most
non-confusing part.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughter is the best medicine. In group we call it black humor.
Dying doesn't mean funny things aren't still happening. I hope
the world laughs and rejoices at my death and has the best time
remmembering me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
No Regrets
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
to know them and for them to know me. To experience their deaths
and know it isn't forever, that they just gone ahead.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Just end it all. I know that I'm strongwilled and I know God has
a purpose for me which I would not hesitate to do but I'm getting
weaker and finding the strength to hold on is the hardest thing I'm
having to do. But I'm still here and there must be more for me.
With prayer and God's help I'll get it done.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I feel a loss when my friends die but I long to join them. People
think that if you say you're ready to go they think that something
is wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just very
tired and long to begin the next part of my life.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The medical community hasn't got a clue. Whether it be AIDS. cancer
or some other social disease they have simply stayed disconnected
to the patient. My oncologist is the only doctor I know who seems
genuinely interested in his patients. I had one doctor tell that
the cancer was probably in my spinal column and I was just going
to die anyway so what did I want from him? I told him nothing he
wasn't qualified!!!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I do not believe in organized religion!!!!!!! I do believe in
a higher power, it's why I'm here.
--Religious Affiliation:
NO CURRENT but I was born and raised in Utah as a Mormon
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Death is spiritual and not of any religion. One must find the
spiritual part of themself
--Regarding MONEY:
Not me. I'm going to cremated and my ashes can be thrown away for
all I care. It isn't me anymore, I'll be gone. People waste so
much money on the dead. What a racket.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Of course those that have gone before us are present when we die.
They help with the transition. Also our guardian angels are there
to comfort.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
The spirit never sleeps and is free to travel where it feels like
going. I've had visitions with my father and uncle and until I
got cancer I would fly every night and loved it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I had no idea just how sick & close to death I was
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
It wasn't talked about much so it took years to realize the truth
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I enjoyed writing about my feelings. I hope I didn't offend anyone
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
You could include the person who is dying. We have alot of knowledge
on the subject especially people like me who continue living with
metastizing cancer but don't die.
[ Ed Note: We'll add "Myself" to the choices of who's
died. Thanks for the suggestion! ]
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Mon Sep 27 13:53:42 1999
F35 in Amarillo, TX =US=
Email: <Ratfink64-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I am currently teaching my students about death/dying/grieving in
my classes. I teach Health Science Technology.
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Prof/Studies: Registerd Nurse/Instructor
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 15yrs ago.
Cause of Death: gun shot wound; Aged: 33.
--Details:
He was killed by his wife's lesbian lover for insurance proceeds.
They were both brought to trial for capitol murder but the case was
dismissed in court. My family and I never received an explanation
as to the reason that the case was dismissed. Three years after
his death both women were killed in a car accident as they were
fleeing from police on hot check charges. My brother's only son
was killed in this accident also. He was 10 years old.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like an ending to one act of a play. The props and stage change
for each person involved but the story goes on.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My great-grandmother died at the age of 94.
She died of complications due to a stroke.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the unbearable pain. A pain so strong that I could hardly breathe
under the weight. I developed a terrible dread and fear of ever
facing this type of pain again.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death affects more than just the person that died and their immediate
family. It has long-reaching affects. Life is so precious and
should never be taken for granted.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
A personal growth in my spiritual life and deeper understanding of
Jesus and his love.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My Bible
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Sorrow for what could have been. Missing my brother: his laughter,
his wisdom, his caring, his guidance and his protection.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Tell them how you feel. Don't put off being honest with
someone. Open up your heart and enjoy every minute. Savor all the
experiences of life.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
survived.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was so caught up in my grief I could not see anything on the
other side. My whole life was grief.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is a great release.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Just simply had a conversation about things that really counted.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
survive
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I realized that the suit they buried my brother in was ugly and
uncomfortable looking. I think they should have buried him in
every-day clothes.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Acceptance. Not everyone will eventually come to "acceptance"
and that's okay. Time doesn't always heal. Sometimes you just
get tired.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a song or watch a certain cartoon on T.V. Just anything
that reminds me of him can make me cry; either out of fond, joyful
memories or out of sorrow for missing him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think he would be proud of me. He would be able to come and visit.
Christmas would be complete. On the Fourth of July we would still
get together and make home-made ice cream.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that no one is going to pay for this.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk to him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became angry and looked for someone to blame.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Coldness and lack of compassion
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the same church we had gone to all our lives. A small full-gospel
church in our community.
--Religious Affiliation:
Apostolic Faith
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I know that Christ is my savior. I know that my brother was saved.
I rest easy knowing that one day we shall all be together again.
--Regarding MONEY:
The love of money caused this death.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was a nice funeral and the people at the funeral home were
compassionate.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Taking on characteristics of my brother after he died.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I am a nurse and the clinical signs are obvious. However, I do
know that often a person will "wait" until they have the chance to
say good-bye to a certain person before they actually die.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Learning more about death/dying and the psychological aspects has
helped me the most.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I do not know of any visitation of the Spiritual realm. However,
my brother did wait until my mother got to his side. After she
told him how much she had enjoyed his life and that she was going
to miss him, he died.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I don't have unresolved issues. I can't wait to see him again.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
By just being a release.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
One of my other brothers said he saw and talked to my bother several
months after his death.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Organ donation and living wills should be addressed by each
individual over 18 and then discussed with every member of the
family.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't want my family to ever experience that kind of grief again.
I am not fearful of death just grief.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Driving and listening to the radio. I needed a lot of time to
myself--To think and cry and grieve.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I know that I am stronger. I was also so angry at the way the nurses
at the hospital treated my family and me that I went to school and
became a registered nurse. I took action to try to prevent anyone
else from having such an awful experience.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I developed a close relationship with my brother's friend he had
when he served in the Marines in Vietnam. For several years I
stayed in contact with him. He helped me so much.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I had student nursing experiences in the Hospice.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It is always helpful to share my experiences.
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Mon Sep 27 02:18:10 1999
F21 in chicago, il =us=
Name: E Isenberg
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 months ago ago.
Cause of Death: old age and health problems; Aged: 87.
--Details:
after a cancer surgery, my grandfather never recovered and went
into a 6 months period where his health deteriorated until his last
stage of death.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
unevitable and full of pain. Death is a process where the human life
completes it's days and it's a very trying time. It is especially
difficult for the people who are touched by the process but do not
physically experience it. Death can be accepted but still painful.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
never saw someone die infront of my face. However, I experienced
a 6 month trying time where I have seen stages of death. My heart
and stomach sank and deep breaths overtook me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...friend's father died of cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the night my grandfather died. I expected it that day but I was
still shocked. I was upset and I still am sad that my grandfather
died before he could see me, his oldest grandaughter, get married,
have children and make him proud.
--What I think my (us) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I think my Religious background faces death with something that
most cultures can learn from. From the laws of purifying the dead,
burying the dead, and mourning the loss of the dead, one may progress
in only a beneficial way
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how I was able to see my grandfather on the day he died. By chance
I happened to go to the hospital with my father to visit my
grandfather. I will never forget how fortunate I was to see him
his last days on this earth.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself. I feel that each person needs to loss the mourning of his
own relationship with the dead. Family helps to strengthen the
bond and the outreach of friends is realized.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I endured seeing my family break down. To be so vulnerable and
emotional is something that no one desires. However, it's almost
impossible to feel that way.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I don't think this applies directly to me since my grandfather did
not know and was incoherent his last few weeks/months of his life.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am still pained even today. I never realized how death is so
upseting. I thought if and when it would ever happen, I would be
able to handle it. There are always mixed emotions and one can
only hope and pray for the pain to subside.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
how it ended the suffering of the deceased but it brought more
suffering to the living.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I know what you're trying to make me say...laughter helps you get
through the pain of death. However, crying needs to come first.
Laughter can only emerge from those granted the opportunity to
cause it. Thus, someone not in mourning can not bring laughter
and it's wrong for them to try.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get married and have children so my grandfather would have seen
the future.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see how my father took care of his father. The life long journey
of caring for my grandfather was displayed by my father especially
in my grandfather's last stages of life.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the doctor showed up to pay a mourning visit. He ended the whole
mourning process since he was very close to everyone including
the deceased. He strengthened everyone with the hope to go on and
continue life.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
food. No one cares about food.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about my wedding and how my grandfather will not attend,
I wish I would have let him have the opportunity.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be living in the past. I wish my grandfather would have
his vitality of youth where I could ask him questions and he would
be able to show me and answer with a full research project.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why so many of my friends were married with children but I was
not...and my grandfather was not alive to experience any of it.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk about my grandfather.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn't hear that my grandfather passed away. I probably said
WHAT five million times. I realized something was up but to face
the death is too hard to hear.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
There is a G-d who is planning a master plan for everyone and
every time.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
How many people are uncaring and only work for money not to care
for sick ones. There are too many sick people in this world. It's
a shame that it desensitizes humans.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Praying and giving complete faith to G-d.
--Religious Affiliation:
Orthodox Judiasm
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
That the spirit's ultimate resting place is not in this human life.
--Regarding MONEY:
because we had money, we were able to care for him in the most
possible way.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how my father and uncle eulogized my grandfather in the most
proper way. They said everything including asking for the whole
family's forgiveness.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
it was a whole new learning experience. Not something that I think
should be a desire to learn but it helps a person grow in life.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
ears. Feel the ears to see if there's life in a person.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It's time. Time is the key word that no matter what process a
person arises in a situation, everyone needs their time to grieve.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I picture my grandfather's face. I see him in a crowd and I always
have the memories but I never had a dream or visitation from him.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nothing ever happened...
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I know he always loved me but if I ever need to remember him more,
I would just sit down and talk to my father.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I might say that I admire and look up to him. I don't know really
what I would say. I just wish I would have been closer with him.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Nothing has ever happened.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want to be buried in Israel.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I know that I would be okay with death. However, I know I would
cause too many other people to suffer and I don't know if it's
worth torturing my parents.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote to myself my feelings. They are different essays in
different feelings that I had from the moment my grandfather
died until today. I cherish these writings since it helps keep a
connection between my grandfather and me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I just pray harder for children to bring back my grandfather's name.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I think the family now would strive to keep together more.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish I could help others who are going through a death because
I know now what to say and how to act in that situation.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think it's pretty long but it also is a very intimate study.
You are looking into everyone's deep emotional thoughts that most
people do not know.
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Sun Sep 26 23:51:40 1999
F18 in Berri, South Australia =aUSTRALIA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: course of studies-student
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Still has not
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Sun Sep 26 22:57:03 1999
F23 in Mobile, AL. =U.S=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Embraced by the Light.............Emmanuel's book......Conversations
With God
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Melvin Morse..............................Pat Rodegast and Judith
Stanton.....Neale donald Walsh
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 51.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Shedding our Physical Bodies. Life is a learning experence and when
it is time to move on you die.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in denial. I felt releived but guilty all at the same time.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My Father was dignosed with colon cancer,It
spread to his liver and he died almost a year after he was diagnosed.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Im not sure If one specific thing comes to mind. Feeling my father
when he passed and knowing he was going to be okay. Me and my mother
both "felt" him when he died.We were all in the room together.
--What I think my (U.S) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not an end but a beginning.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be there and hold there hand. Ensure them that you are there and
always will be.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I think I was confused the whole time
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
When I scattered my Fathers ashes I Laughed and cried at the same
time. I cried because I would miss him and laughed because I knew
he was now free. He was also doped up on Morphine before his death
so he said alot of funny things.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Really let that person know how much I loved them. I was just so
angry at the time I lost so much time.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Material things.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear certain songs or see certain things.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just have 5 minutes with him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Money is a big factor. If you dont have that you dont have much.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
rather not say
--Religious Affiliation:
Church of religous Science
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I knew in my heart that my father was in a much better place where
there was no pain. He also was a very spiritual man and HIS faith
in god helped me.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
I was young, 20,and 21 when he died. He was only 51. I was in
disbeleif because we both were so young. You always seem to think
your parents are going to live "forever". I just couldnt believe
it was happening.
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Sun Sep 26 21:41:31 1999
F23 in pahrump, Nevada =USA=
Name: A. King
Email: <6kings-at-wizard.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
snap search-surveys
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Prof/Studies: student-criminal justice
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Grief recovery Handbook
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
James & Cherry
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 1 1/2 ago.
Cause of Death: Turner's Syndrome ; Aged: 18 weeks.
--Details:
My daughter died in utero when I was 18 weeks pregnant.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life here on Earth. It is a chance for us to discover
Life's true purpose, and have all of our questions answered.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was stunned. I was young, unprepared.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a friend of mine in High School committed
suicide.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
our life fell apart. My husband went crazy, I went crazy.
Everything was changed. Every hope I had vanished, my dreams
became different.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Talk to people about their deceased loved ones. It helps so much
to talk, and remember-even if they cry-ask questions, tell them
your memories.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
After my daughter died I immediately became pregnant again.
I now have beautiful, healthy twin girls, and I am glad that
things happened the way they did, because I can't imagine my life
without them.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The fact that my doctor understood what I was going through, and
perscribed me medication to slepp. I was able to rest,a nd wake
up and focus
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the emptiness. Not holding a baby when I left the hospital.
Not having my dream realized
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen. remember everything
--[My Daughter's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
survived the experience. I can look back now and smile, and thank
God for the amount of time I had. I am still married to my husband,
we survived, our marriage survived, and we are stronger people.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The diagnosis was made by the doctor. I was confused, and didn't
understand what was happening
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I NEVER LAUGHED-I NEVER WANTED TO LAUGH
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
SPEND MY TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER'S BODY
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
TAKE PICTURES OF HER, HOLD HER, SAY GOODBYE IN MY OWN (ALTHOUGH
LIMTED) WAY
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
na
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
na
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I WISH I COULD HAVE DONE THINGS DIFFERENTLY
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I THINK ABOUT HEAVEN. I CAN ACTUALLY SEE MY DAUGHTER-NOT AS THE
INFANT SHE WAS, BUT AS A GIRL ABOUT 10 YEARS OLD. SHE HAS A LOOK OF
COMPLETE WISDOM, AND PEACE. SHE SMILES AT ME, AND WELCOMES ME HOME.
AND WE ARE TOGETHER.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
WHY WAS I ABLE TO HAVE TWON HEALTHY BABIES, AND NOT THIS ONE?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
KEEP MOVING FORWARD. IT GETS EASIER EVERY DAY-I WISH IT WERE
TOMORROW
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
WANTED TO RUN AWAY. I DID NOT WANT TO BELIEVE
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
HOSTILITY. WE HAD A HORRIBLE TIME. FROM THE MOMENT OF DIAGNOSIS,
TO THE MOMENT WHEN A NURSE YELLED AT MY HUSBAND FOR CARRYING OUR
DAUGHTER OUT OF OUR (TINY) HOSPITAL ROOM. THESE PEOPLE ARE DE
SENSITIZED TO DEATH
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
NA
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
HAVING A FAMILY TO RELY UPON. A FUNERAL HELD, SPECIAL CHURCH SONGS
PLAYED, A PASTOR SAYING THE RIGHT WORDS
--Religious Affiliation:
I AM SOUTHERN BAPTIST, WITH LDS AFFILIATION
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
LIKE GOD'S HAND. WE ALL KNOW HIM, HE WILL COME TO LEAD US HOME
--Regarding MONEY:
WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY. WE ARE YOUNG, TOTALLY UNPREPARED FOR THE DEATH
OF OUR BABY-WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY SAVINGS, AND HAD TO BORROW THE MONEY
TO REMOVE OUR DAUGHTER'S BODY. WE CHOSE CREMATION BECAUSE IT WAS
CHEAPER-MONEY SHOULD HAVE NEVER PLAYED A ROLE IN THAT DECISION
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
IT WAS SURREAL-I WISH WE DIDN;T HAVE TO DO IT-PEOPLE KEPT SAYING IT
WOULD BRING CLOSURE, BUT ALL IT DID WAS EMBARASS ME. NOBODY KNEW
HER LIKE WE KNEW HER, WHY SHOULD THERE BE A DISPLAY.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
WATCHING A MAN FROM THE NEPTUNE SOCIETY CARRY MY DEAD DAUGHTER AWAY
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
NA
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
TIME IS ALL THAT CAN HELP
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
NA
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
THE ONLY EXPERIENCE I HAVE HAD WITH THIS IS: AT TIMES, NO TIME
IN PARTICULAR, I CAN HEAR A BAY CRYING FROM FAR AWAY-I FEEL LIKE
IT'S HER.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I HAVE GIVEN MUCH THOUGHT. I HAVE ORGANIZED EVERYTHING SO MY FAMILY
DOESN'T HAVE TO-I WANT AS MUCH CONTROL AS POSSIBLE
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I TOOK A FLOWER TO MY DAUGHTER'S HEADSTONE ON HER BIRTHDAY, AND ON
HER DUE DATE-OTHER THAN THOSE DAYS I DO NOT VISIT.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I INCLUDE HER AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. WHENPEOPLE ASK ME HOW MANY
CHILDREN I HAVE, I SAY 4-3 LIVING
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
MY HUSBAND AND I ARE MUCH CLOSER THAN WE USED TO BE
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
TALKING WITH OTHER FAMILIES WHO HAD LOST THEIR CHILDREN IN A SIMILIAR
WAY MAY HAVE HELPED
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
IT JUST SERVED TO BRING BACK PAINFUL MEMORIES-DIDN'T OPEN UP
ANYTHING NEW
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Sun Sep 26 20:40:06 1999
F16 in TX =USA=
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Found us by: [ UseNet posting ]
just typed in 'psychology experiments' and it came out in a list
of experiments
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Prof/Studies: student
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More personal info:
nope. i am actually a sensitive girl. well atleast sensitive to
my feelings. but i don't want to sound egotistical. maybe i cannot
identify with others.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Heart problems; Aged: 13.
--Details:
I barely knew her. I think I felt I was supposed to feel sad
because everyone else was crying. I felt and still do feel totally
insensitive, unfeeling. I just could not feel sorrow or identify. And
she was so nice, smart, and beautiful.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When somebody's heart stops beating. They eventually disappear and
turn into the Earth (what you see around you). They no longer exist
in the container they came in (the body). Where they go nobody knows.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young. i still am young.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... A girl i knew at school (i actually did not
know her very well) collapsed during soccer practice and died. She
apparently had a hole in her heart. I was not there but found out
the next day. It did not affect me very much, i was just shocked. It
never really sunk in. What is death? I don't think it is permanent
and if it is, I have never felt firsthand its permanence. Today,
still, it feels unreal. i can't identify with it. Right now I said
to myself, as i pulled this incident up from the dregs of my memory,
did she really die? Did it really happen? Funny isn't it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how everyone was crying and i was not. and how i wished i was
crying too.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
i am jain (which is a lot like being hindu). We believe in
reincarnation. I believe this deals with death very effectively.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I guess, maybe it is that i was unaffected with it. So i haven't
really been affected by it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being unaffected.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not experiencing death to someone close to me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just holding their hand.
--[My acquaintance's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
could detach myself? but that seems so cold and unfeeling. thus
i have nothing to say about this.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i wondered how it could be so permanent. That the girl could never
come back. it's always seemed to me that if you REALLY don't want
to die, then you won't. the power of the mind is extraordinary. If
that girl had willed herself to live, somehow i believe she would
be alive today. maybe she wasn't aware that she could will herself
to live. but i certainly am.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
God, that is so true. now i do remember going out with my dad later
that evening and looking at this big cardboard mechanical swiss
army knife in the display window of a store, and just laughing and
laughing like my stomach was going to burst. maybe i am not that
unfeeling after all.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
know her better.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
i don't know, i honestly don't.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i don't know
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
why were they crying? it's not like THEY died. i guess when my
loved ones die, i will cry until my eyes burst. but right now i
don't understand it. you cry because you miss the person, because
you are lonely without them. but when you find out they died, how
can you miss them already in the space of 2 seconds. it would most
likely take me a few days.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
n/a
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
not at all actually.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she should have willed herself to live. god should have given her
the option.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
it's not difficult
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
still haven't understood and acknowledged death. maybe that is just
my youth.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
well the medical crew was quite inadequate. they arrived to late
and did not have the right facilities, equipment, etc.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
well i have volunteered in an aids ward. but yes, hospice help
was poor.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
no
--Religious Affiliation:
Jain
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
well yes the spirit does float away and goes to the Spirit land. that
sounds very juvenile, but it is what i believe. a mass gathering
of spirits. not ghosts or anything, but each person's awareness
is there.
--Regarding MONEY:
huh?
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
didn't go to funeral
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how i couldn't identify with it
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a rapidly beating heart?
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
don't know
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Sun Sep 26 16:29:56 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 62.
--Details:
I was told to go check on her but protested because i was lazy...ten
minutes later when my mom made me go check she was dead but if i
would have gotten there earlier she wouldn-t have died
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the body no longer fuctions so we leave it behind to go unto
another life which i know nothing about
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had a hard time coping and was always having nightmares of other
people dying
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...i found my grandmother laying dead in a
bathroom in a party at the age of 10..she had died of a massive
heartattaque
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
numbness and secrecy...the unability to show feelings
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not sad...it is good...but i myself have failed to
learn this
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it brings my family and friends closer and makes us appreciate all
that we have
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
this is wierd but ...a woman cooked brownies espesially for
me..instead of the whole family...i don-t know why that helped but
i felt so special..espesially since i was only 10
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing their eyes wide open and expressionless...almsot as if they
were empty...and then having to go in the deseased house
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Sat Sep 25 01:20:11 1999
M53 in connell, wa =usa=
Name: jim
Email: <jnj-at-3-cities.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Engineering Manager
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, yrs 15 ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 86.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of existence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Went outside and played
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My Great Grandmother died at home.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Not knowing when it happned
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That you don't "go" somewhere after you die
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That it is a natural part of the life cycle, none of get out of
this alive :-)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Not being bound up in religious hype
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Listening to others saying simplistic religious babble
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
You have no choice in this, all life passes this way. Some day the
entire universe will pass this way olso.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Go ahead and laugh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say good-by
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Understand that it did not matter to her
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Knowing it is a natural thing
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Saying a prayer for the dead, they can't hear you
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That you did not do the things in life that you wanted to
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Knew that ther was nothing I could do about it
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They play a role in keepy you out of pain in your last days
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Absolutely nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
Atheist for the past 40 years
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Like so much religious babble
--Regarding MONEY:
Burial expenses
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How silly it all is, it life that counts not the burial
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
When the dying give up
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
None
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have dreamed about my Grandmother many times, but i know thry
are dreams
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I made a living will that lets people know that i want no
extraordinaty measures taken to extend my life.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I had several heart attacks 6 years ago. I realized that death
would really come and take me some day. It was no longer an abstract
notion.I don't have a problem with that. I know there is no escape
from it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
When I helped bury a friend we all stood on his fresh grave and
hit a golf ball off of it in his memory
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
nope
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
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Fri Sep 24 13:13:43 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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dad died and wanted to seach on death of dads
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Fri Sep 24 12:25:07 1999
F25 in Boulder, Colorado =US=
Email: <clarke-at-mscd.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 9 months ago.
Aged:
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--Death Is:
The end of this physical experience and the beginning of
another journey, experience, no longer flesh, but spirit and
consciousness.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
learned how much I needed other people. I actually called friends
sobbing and took people up on their offers to let me lean on them
and babble about whatever.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was one of my sisters died suddenly. I was able to
be there but it was still very "unexpected"
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How people came together to help support me. I learned what an
amazing group of people I have as friends.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that just because it's been some arbitrary amount of time that a
person should be done grieving. People were uncomfortalble when I
would bring her up after what seemed like a short amount of time.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
learning what great friends I have and that people suffer in life
because of their attachments. I was gratefull to have known my
sister and had the time and experiences that we did. She was the
one I was closest to in the world.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
remembering
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
doing things I'd always done with her. I used to hike everyday
without fail and since her death I 've gone maybe 10 times. And
as often as I called people just to cry, I could have done it more
but I know how uncomfortable it made people after a while.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listen
--[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
lived through the whole thing. I miss her everyday and think of
her everyday. I had a friend who took me by the shoulders and said
"You have to be nice to yourself. This is going to be tough but
you can get through it if you're not hard on yourself." That was
good advise. And believe it or not but time does help heal the
wounds. Next week I'm going to visit a place that she and I spent a
lot of time at, laughing, playing, growing together. A few months
ago I wouldn't have even thought about going, now I'm only doing
it because it feels right.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
No. I heard laughter and thought how could anyone laugh when the
world is falling apart. Then I pulled out of that thought and could
appreciate the laughter but only for a split second.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I was so busy at the end of the semester and had sworn to her that
as soon as school was over I was going to take a week off of work so
we could hang out, go hiking, christmas shopping, whatever . . . And
she died 2 days before I was done with finals
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I had such a great support group that was there just for me. People
who knew what I was going through and wanted to be there because
they knew how hard it was going to be.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The ritual of saying goodbye. We made prayer ties together and
said thanks for all the time together. It was really helpfull but
I don't think that people know how to make those last moments count.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think I see her out of the corner of my eye, go some where we went
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I just needed two more days then we could have spent more time
together. That was my first reaction, not now.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
See her again, show her what's happened since then. I wish she
could meet some of the new people in my life.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I'd never been apart from her for more than two weeks. When I hit
the 3 week mark then the 6 week mark, etc., I just that's when the
ache in my chest got the worst because reality was sinking in.
--Religious Affiliation:
Native American, Buddhism . . .
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
when I see someone who has just lost a loved one or I hear of people
on the other side of the world I can't help but feel like I know
the feelings they are having.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I had to stand up for myself and ask people to do things or not do
things and not worry about whether they felt offended.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
A lot of things helped, pictures, crying, friends, crying . . . . I
didn't talk a lot about it but I made reference to it one day to a
friend who simply said she understood the physcial feeling in your
chest and I just couldn't believe that someone else knew just what
I had been feeling for months.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Keeping Busy
Despite what happened, life went on. My friend died in the middle
of my final exam week and I still had to function and take these
ridiculas exams (the next day).
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Fri Sep 24 11:53:53 1999
F19 in nakhonsawan, =thailand=
Name: grace
Email: <cute_evil-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
well...i just searched on psychology and here i am!
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Prof/Studies: dahuja
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More personal info:
i wish it posted!
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
the chicken soup for the soul
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
various
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: accident; Aged: 20.
--Details:
the careless taxi driver passed the red light and banged right into
his car.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
leaving the body. Total happiness as what people might believe. a
journey to another source of life!
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
couldn't talk for 5 days. i was in the state of complete shock.
--That first time, how it happened was
it was an accident..in the U.A.E!very scary..
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the stars i kept looking at..hearing nothing people said..listening
nothing people said..stars...they seem to talk to me when i am
depressed
--What I think my (thailand) culture needs to better learn about death is:
IF GOD MADE IT...IT MUST BE BEAUTIFUL
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i knew just how much that person meant to me...i never realise
until they were gone
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my inner self
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
i don't know how to explain it!
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
give them a smile and four hugs a day...because everybody needs
four hugs a day to survive.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
belief in God
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
just helping i guess
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Thu Sep 23 15:27:17 1999
F27 in Chicago, Illinois =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a car accident; Aged: 20.
--Details:
We were living together at the time and had an argument over
something ridiculous before he left the house.
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--Death Is:
the natural end of our existence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not understand that he would not be coming back. (My
great-grandfather). And when I did understand, I was not allowed
to attend the funeral to say goodbye.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My great-grandfather died when I was 4 years
old. I was very close to him and was not allowed to attend the
funeral. My parents felt it would disturb me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everyone expressing "how young" and feeling true grief that he
wouldn't be around anymore. (Another friend's death)
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
We need to acknowledge people's achievements before they are gone,
and that death will happen to everyone eventually. We can't take
life for granted. It's about more that money, career, etc.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I can see no gift in death. It has taken most of my faith to lose
so many friends at such a young age.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the idea that time heals all wounds.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
losing my faith in life after death. I began to think of human beings
as the animals they are and began to question anything superior or
supernatural about us.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
expressing in no uncertain terms just how much they mean to you and
give specific details about things they have done that mattered in
your own life.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
consoled the mother of his child and his parents.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it happened so quickly. It was all very confusing.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
apologize for what I had said before he left.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
live with him and dream of a better life with him. We had plans
and I can still think, if he were still alive, how far we might
have come with each other's support.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I thought I heard his keys in the door that same night and felt
relief that he was home.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the flowers. I still can't remember who sent them or what they
looked like.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at my daughter's face and realize that 1000 years is still
not long enough to be with her.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I might still find more pleasure in the simple things that I now
take for granted. He had a way of making me look at things and
could make me laugh at just about anything.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that any of us should have to die.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
live forever. And make my daughter live forever too.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt so empty and devoid of humor. I lost the ability to laugh
until I had a child of my own.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
nonchalance. They had seen to much to realize what a big deal his
death could be to those who loved him.
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
forced. It is just to keep us from fearing the inevitable.
--Regarding MONEY:
I was suddenly broke.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Some of the people there were "competing" to see who was more sad.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
trying to reconcile my feeling of great loss and the possibility
that there is life after death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
there is a smell.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
remembering his laugh was the most important part of it. I tried
to think of it at least once a day.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I thought I heard his keys in the lock and a few days later, thought
I saw him in the hallway. But I still don't know if that was real
or part of my grief.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I know that there is nothing I can do to resolve my feelings of
helplessness in his death, all I can do is forgive myself for the
things I felt did him injustice or caused him pain in his life.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I want to live forever.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I lost a lot of friends. I could not maintain a constant relationship
with them because I was depressed and eventually lost touch.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
Lack of faith in explanations of what death is.
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Tue Sep 21 16:18:11 1999
F18 in Liberty, kentucky =USA=
Name: Jaime
Email: <Dance_9599>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: study to be Counseling Psychiatrist.
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More personal info:
I would like for other people who have lost their best friends to
contact me.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
If God is so good, why do I hurt so bad?; music
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1yr, 5mths ago.
Cause of Death: unexplainable traffic accident; Aged: 17.
--Details:
The only thing the accident reconstructionist can say was that he
dropped from the shoulder of the road, overcorrected, and struck
the oncoming van. He was wearing his seatbelt, but the force broke
his neck. He would have survived if the steering wheel hadn't
crushed his chest.
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--Death Is:
the loss of human life. Life stops and the body is laid to rest.
The spirit within the body rises to a place we call Heaven, where,
when the world ends, everyone will be reunited with their bodies,
and the living will be united with those they have lost.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a sophomore in high school, my grandfather, whom I was very
close to, died unexpectedly.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandfather had one heart attack, and
corrected his life in hopes that he would become healthy. He died
a few monthes later of a second heart attack at 63 years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Being surrounded by all of my other friends at the front of the
funeral parlor, on the couch nearest him. I was an emotional
wreck, complete shock...... Knowing that I had just been with him
two days ago, and talked to him on the phone the previous night.
I was the last of his friends to see him alive.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's okay to grieve, we should allow people to express grief in
any way they choose, most importantly, it takes a VERY, VERY,
VERY long time to recover from.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was reassured of my value in his life, and I discovered that his
family doesn't hate me. I learned that we will always be connected
to each other.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being able to go to the cemetery and visit, to keep on talking
to him, no matter that I couldn't see him. To celebrate holidays
with him. still include him in my life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The fact that i will never see him again as long as I live. He is
really gone, he's not coming back, I'll never hear his voice or
see him smile, or hear that wonderful laugh.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
This question applies to a third person who died, but I was in
attendance as she died. The most important thing I can say is
that if the person is spiritually "ready" to die, then you must
spiritually let them go. Give them to God. While in their presence,
be only happy, cherish their memories.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have survived. Every day is a struggle and a battle to live without
him, but I have done it. My heart has been numb most of the time,
but I remember him daily, and recall our memories. I hold dear
every artifact that proves he was in my life. I've never quit
talking to him.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was told that he died. It was the very last thing I expected to
happen in my life, and I was in total shock.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was because I was remembering jokes that he had told me in the
past, and when I looked around the parlor at all of the roses and
bouquets, I controled giggles because that tough farm boy would
have gone crazy with all those "girly" flowers around him.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
watch them put his casket in the ground and cover him. I also wish
that I could have had some time alone with him at the funeral parlor.
If I could, I would have also rewrite history and change the last
time we were together, it was perfect anyway, but I would have
dtried to end the night differently. Made his stay at my house
just a few more minutes.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be on the front row of seats in the funeral parlor during the wake
and the service the next day. That I got to stand next to the
casket at the cemetery. Everyone knew that we were best friends.
That's the most important thing.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
They were about to lower the casket at the cemetery, and I got to
lay a rose across the top of the casket. I had the strongest urge
to kiss the rose before i laid it there, and so I did. It was like
a final goodbye. Something material he took with him to the grave
from me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
perfection of the service. everyone thinks funerals have to go
accident free. His six year old sister hit the stand beside the
casket at the parlor, and knocked one of the pictures of him over,
and it made a loud slap. several people gasped, but his mom just
sat the picture back up.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have never felt like I'm over it all. I hear one of the songs
they played at his funeral and I just lose it. Forget getting teary
eyed, I just break down. When someone says something he used to say,
my heart winces painfully.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Honestly, I think we would have become a couple. If not, I would
have been living that alternate life a lot happier if he still
was alive. I could ask him all the questions that I have wanted to
this year. he was so smart. he would have helped me along the way.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
.....that my best friend died. ....it should have been his little
brother instead.(I only thought that once, the night he died,
and I've never thought it since.) ...he didn't get to graduate,
go to his senoir prom, get married, have kids. didn't get to live
the rest of his life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
curl up in bed and think about him for the rest of my life.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
broke down. lost it. whatever you want to call it. I laid in bed
and sobbed for hours. The next few days has become a blur because
I was just going through the motions of living.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
anger. a broken neck can be saved, but his chest was crushed.
Why couldn't they do something about that?
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
He was a very religious person. That comforts me. Whenever we
talked about death, he said " I'm not afraid of dying, I know where
I'm going." I will never forget him saying that to me. So I know
he had faith, and I know that I have my faith. I cling to that.
knowing that I will see him again one day. Even though it's a long
time from now.
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist. three years. saved and baptised.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right. I feel his spirit all around me. his presence.
--Regarding MONEY:
his family spent quite a bit so he could have a beautiful headstone
and footstone. black, colored engravings of his senoir portraits,
the church, his car. I spend quite a bit of money on flowers and
holiday gifts, birthday balloons and stuff.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the number of people who were there. Half of the county. Acouple
thousand people came to see his body. The proccession was four
miles long to the cemetery. but one thing that also stands out
is the number of people who were there just so they could say they
were there. people who didn't give a d-at-** about him in life showed
up in tears at the funeral. that really ticked me off.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
analyzing his body. Holding his hand, making sure he really was
dead. He was pale and his neck was swollen. It didn't really look
like him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it is a constant process. Expect those who are grieving to be
very moody for a very long time. I have severe mood swings from
happy to depressed. those emotions are the most prominent two
that stick out it my mind. Expect those who are grieving to not
let go. We don't want to let go, because we think letting go
means forgetting. and our biggest fear is forgetting. and fear
that someone else will die.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
that's the beauty of it all. No regrets. his is the only death I
have had that I have not done the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" thing.
Yeah, I wish that I had held on a little longer the night he left
my house, but that's only because I know now what I didn't know
then-that was the last time I would see him.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
tell him that I love him and make him listen. Like most guys, he
didn't like to talk about emotions or feelings. But I would tell
him how much he meant to me, ask him what I meant to him, if he did
love me. I don't care what kind of love, just as long as it was
there in some form. Make him answer the questions. I wouldn't cry
so much if I knew that he had loved me. it would make it easier if
I knew for sure. That's why the whole song thing was so important.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I guess that it's a coincidence that Garth Brooks is my favorite
artist, but that's irelavent at this point. They played "The Dance"
at his funeral, which was my favorite song, but anyway, in relation
to the question, one night a few weeks after his death, I was
emotionally destroyed, crying and hysterical. I played all of the
sad songs I had that related to how I was feeling or his death. I
played that song and said "I didn't even get the dance at prom that
you promised me." suddenly, in the middle of the song, I heard his
voice saying "Jaime, the last five years was our dance, and that
lasted longer than any one at prom ever could. You got the longest
dance of all." A few nights later, I was distraught, wondering if
he had ever loved me, If our friendship had meant anything to him.
I turned on the radio, and the begining of another Garth song
came on, called "if tomorrow never comes" One of the lines goes
"if tomorrow never comes, will she know how much I loved her..."
"...if my time on earth were through, and she must face this world
without me, is the love I gave her in the past gonna be enough to
last, if tomorrow never comes." total reassurance.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I am 110% against euthanasia. I refuse to allow it to happen to
anyone I know, and i refuse to let it happen to me. I know what
some family members want, but it's so hard to unplug a machine and
know that's what made them cease to exist. tell people how you want
things to be a your funeral. what you want to happen to your stuff.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have planned, given some thought to my own funeral. How I want
it to go, what I want people to know. Brief ideas float around
my head for a while. The worst time was when I spent four hours
writing out notes to everyone I knew, like my final goodbyes.
I even made out a fake will. I want to die happy, knowing I told
everyone I knew just what I wanted them to know.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
In order to cope, I go out to the cemetery once a week, or as often
as I can. Every time I go, I take a single red rose. I don't know
why, maybe in continuation of what I did the day they buried him.
I go out there for every holiday and celebrate in some way.
Fourth of july-sparklers around the grave. his birthday, I give
him balloons. whenever I miss him, I play the tape of mixed songs
I made that lets me cry and helps me grieve. I always play the
tape as I drive out to the cemtery and back home again.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
talking to him. It's only a one sided conversation, but I talk to
him every day in some way.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I was best friends with a girl he had grown up with all his life
at church with, and they were a couple off and on for five years.
She was the one that introduced us. Sometimes they were serious,
and sometimes they weren't. But our friendship was destroyed
because she got jealous of our friendship. And I'll admit, there
was a time that I wanted more between us, but it didn't happen.
The girlfriend and the best friend don't get along too well, cause
they fought quite a bit, and I thought I couple make him happy.
but we became best friends again the day he died because no one
was as close to him as we were. no one. only we understand how
the other one feels. We say now that the one thing that tore us
apart was the one thing that put us back together again.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
it would have been more helpful if people would have just held me
and let me cry till I got it out of my system. People didn't want to
bring it up cause they were afraid that I would cry/break down. Why?
I did it in private, regardless.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me cry. I cried as I typed, but crying is my therapy, so
it helped a little. There were only two or three questions that
I couldn't answer, so you did a good job of making it universal.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
re wrod the one about near death experiences and the like.
include the feeling of the presence of the loved one. Coincidental
questions, like have you ever thought of the loved one, and their
favorite song came on the radio, or someone said something they
used to say.
Enhancements: webhealing.com is wonderful/has grief discussion board. make
list for people to contribute to that tells ways to cope. Things that make
them feel better.
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Tue Sep 21 03:24:50 1999
F21 in clemson, sc =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
yahoo/psychology/research/testing
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Prof/Studies: chemical engineering
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tuesdays with Morrie, they Prophet
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 days ago.
Cause of Death: chronic lung cancer stuff; Aged: 70's.
--Details:
it was expected, although he'd managed to hang on for several years
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the stopping of our organic processes--the point to where we
essentially become about as human as a lump of coal. Nothingness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
it takes a day or two, but i will usually cry a bit, but the get
on with the everyday happenings of life--i''m not an especially
emotional person, but then again, i've never had anyone "especially"
close die. (i'm not very close to many people.)
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... family friend from church killed herself
leaving her son (my age) alone
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my family is religious (i am not) so they always talk about how
he needed to turn his life to christ, etc. or he was going to an
afterlife of pain...
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
there is nothing sacred about death. i could yank off a dead
person's head--it's not going to hurt them--they have ceased to
exist at that point. also, when you die, you just die, there is
no after life--carpe diem.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
people often reasses their goals and realize what is important in
their life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my views of science
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the obvious "things i always wanted to do or say to them" along
with the void of someone who was vividly there one day, but not
there another.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
the hooplah around the death. people talking about what the deceased
would have wanted was really just a way for them to make themselves
feel better. it was a very amusing form of selfishness because no
one seemed to realize it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they are responsible for much of the overpopulation. while, yes, we
all want to spend more time with people, there comes a point when,
please, they are no longer of any use to society--it's no longer
"life," it's selfishness.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
for many people, helps them feel better by having them thing that
"there must be something more" that so and so went to a better place,
and that life actually has meaning.
--Religious Affiliation:
athiest. raised southern baptist. extensive research on most of
the worlds major religions.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a crock of s***
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
see my answer to situations that make me laugh.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
numerous--just watch the learnig channel
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
neural synapses firing--that's all it is. people are just prone
to association and imagination.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
not even going there....
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
let the survivors do what ever they think best. i'm not going to
be around to enjoy it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
it wouldn't bother me much. i would probably give up on my quest
for financia success in the corporate world, and work on my quest
for knowledge. i would also focus on my art more and just plain
have fun. oh, and if i was terminally ill, i would ahve a hit list
for people i don't like much.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
cried a little--then got on with life.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
people who kept on asking if i was ok--was there anything they
could do, etc.
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Mon Sep 20 19:26:24 1999
F37 in Phoenix, AZ =USA=
Email: <mish08-at-earthlink.net>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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More personal info:
I would like to hear from twins who's twin has died. My thesis
will address why/how twin deaths are different from any other
sibling/spouse/parent death experiences.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
How To Survive The Loss Of A Love
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Melba Colgrove, PhD, Harold Bloomfield, M.D., Peter McWilliams
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 61.
--Details:
My twin and I cared for him for the last few months of his life. We
had to drive 2.5 hours every week to the Dr. His cancer was extremely
rare (pheochromosytoma (spelling??))
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our physicall being - the "shell" (body) dies. I believe
the "spirit" lives on in a form unlike what we know (perhaps
as energy).
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
hated to see them suffer. No one gets through life alive. But
it was horrible for me to watch a 2 year decline before she died
(at age 27 of breast cancer).
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...death of a pet.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The compasion I had for my Dad. And the anger that after 30 years,
he still couldn't tell me and my twin apart. Damn him .
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It's not scary or to be feared - it should be celebrated as a
transition. We can feel sad for the loss, but happy for the person
who starts a NEW journey.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death has many gifts. We appreciate life more fully.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking. Talking. Talking. It is a way of coping and of paying
tribute. It is necessary - even to say the "bad" things that you
think and feel.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching them deteriorate. When my 90 year old British Grandmother
was dying, she stopped taking food. That was OK. But when she no
longer wanted her tea - that was tough to take. Tea, for her, was a
daily ritual that could be counted upon. It was sad to see it end,
knowing what it symbolized (the end was near).
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
touch them. let them know it's OK for them to go. They don't HAVE
to fight - fighting is not always noble or necessary.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have grown personally. It made me reflect on our relationship - good
and bad (mostly bad). It made me take responsibility for my life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The doctor (oncologist) recommended a new treatment - Dad was
already on his "death bed". In fact, he died just hours later -
the nurses knew he would not live through the night - how could
the doctor not know? Still makes me mad.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughter is healing for the soul! Make a joke, do something funny,
go swing on a swingset like a kid - laughing is uplifing - even if
someone else may think it's morbid (somehow, that kinda makes it
even funnier)
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend the night in my Dad's hospital room with him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
????
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the ill person finally stopped breathing - I looked up and silently
wished them well on their new journey. I was hoping to somehow see
their spirit leave their body - but I never did see anything.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
being morose or gloomy - we laughed all the way to the end!
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
for my pet - when it feels like he jumped on the bed in the night
(like he used to). I miss him more than anything.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would not be the person I am today. I needed the experiences I
had to bring me to where I am in life. I do not know how it would
be otherwise.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
No one guarantees life is fair - death and dying are a part of
life. Fairness is not in the equation. I don't ever recall thinking
it's just not fair....
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I have not experienced a recent death (except my pet). It does not
get so difficult - but I do remember just wanting to sleep when we
were taking care of my dad. I guess I'd finish the sentence with:
...sleep for a whole day and a whole night.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. and cried. and cried some more.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
distrust for the medical community. Dr's don't have all the answers,
and need better bedside manners!
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
a lifeline! My aunt was a Hospice nurse for 8 years - she was the
lifesaver in the middle of a big ocean. She was the voice of empathy,
understanding, reason, and often information!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
another event on the calendar that was too time consuming (sorry -
don't have much use for organized religion - it has little bearing
on spirituality for me)
--Religious Affiliation:
past: catholic current: still exploring
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
much more comfortable and healthy.
--Regarding MONEY:
I don't recall money issues until we started the paperwork after
my dad's death - will, insurance claims, safe deposit box, selling
his car, etc.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I didn't know those people. We had a memorial service after my
father's cremation. Who were all those people?
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
???
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
mottled skin, the death rattle (I can hear it now - yuk).
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
crying and talking were two necessities. And that book (How To
Survive The Loss Of A Love) was important a few months later. But
I could only read a page or two a day.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My Grandmother had several visions. All comforting. I don't remember
my father talking of these things.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have no experience with this.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I am angry that my father never took the time to know ME. He always
saw me as part of a set (I have an identical twin). How could I be
so unimportant to him? I suppose when I'm fully ready to deal with
this issue, a counselor would be the best bet for me to cope with
it. I figure I'll know when it's time for me to address it.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want my Dad to call me by the right name - the FIRST
time! and to tell me he's proud of me. Approval was not his strong
point!
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I wish it had happened. I would welcome the experience (in fact,
I was (and still am) disappointed that it hasn't happened).
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Until my Father's death, I never understood the phrase "He/She
would want it that way". Now I understand. if the dying person's
wish is known, it should be honored. Thankfully, all my siblings
(there are 5) were in agreement on how to handle almost all aspects
of Dad's death. I could not imagine quarreling with them at such
a trying time.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I do not fear death. But, like everyone else, I don't want it to be
painful.When it is my turn, I hope to take that path with dignity
and courage.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Being by myself, in a comfortable room with no lights (candle OK)
and just meditating and/or crying.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
AT the time, I "connected" with a few different people for various
reasons - I think they gave me energy and support in their own
ways. However, the relationships were not life long - they were as
long as necessary for me to cope. But they are forever treasured!!!!!
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
now that I'm older - the belief that there is "more" after life ends
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
after death of father - hated hearing cliche's (he's in a better
place, it was god's will, etc. etc.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I am now persuing my degree in psychology - I wish to work
with the terminally ill. The three deaths I experienced were
positive, enlightening, and rewarding. I wish to bring that to
others. Particularly my Father's death gave me direction. I spent
two years reflecting on my own life and mortality.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Not enough people ask thought provoking questions. I appreciate the
opportunity to voice my thoughts. It is an honor to do so. Thank you.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
One of the most "hurtful" deaths was that of my pet - yet pets are
not addressed here. It was way different than that of a human,
probably because our connection was uncondintional (all human
relationships are conditional, no matter how much we want them not
to be).
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Mon Sep 20 18:54:52 1999
F29 in harrisburg, pa =usa=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
Prof/Studies: computer major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 19 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 62.
--Details:
no
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a permanent escape from reality
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was really upset
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my aunt died whom i was very close to
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how much I missed her
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
you don't know what is at te end until you get there
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that i had the time i did with people before death
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing you will feel this way again with other people that are
still living that are close to you
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
its important sometimes for the dying person to know you are
o.k. before they die
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
think it sucks
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
none
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was temporarly insane
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there when it happened
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
go on with my life
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I dreamed it would happen before it acually did
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what to put on the dead body to bury it
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of how much I wish she could have lived long enough to meet
my daughter
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't know
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
to have her suffer like she did
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
function without a brain
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didn't like it
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
have know opinion
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
it sucks
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
for me. I don't know. for them, ask them
--Religious Affiliation:
Still have yet to figure that out, but I went to a catholic school
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
unreal sometimes
--Regarding MONEY:
people are crude and greedy, even at the expence of someones death
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The people who i was and am realated to and still don't know who
they are
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
nothing
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
A big bus coming at you full speed ahead
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
You mourn and then get on with life, after all, you're not the
one dead
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
there isn't any
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would tell her I love her and ask if she wants to go out for one
last hot fudge sunday
Although it would make me miss her more to have her out of my
life again
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not afraid to die, I just would have a problem leaving my young
daughter behind
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
it changed me from a sweet young girl, to a bold and sometimes,
(pardin the words), bitchie young woman
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
sometimes people mean well, but sometimes it's better to deal with
things on your own
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I wasn'tthinking about my aunt until this questionaire, i was in
a semi good mood but now am slightly sad
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
The third one before this that I didn't answer, too many questions
in on questions and a little confusing
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Mon Sep 20 14:23:58 1999
F40 in Tyrone, =Ireland=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The courage to grieve;
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Judy Tatelbaum; existentialist writers.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 9 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: auto erotic activity; Aged: 37.
--Details:
He was found, in bizarre circumstances, by his two children (aged 6 &
13).The whole thing was a nightmare. Even now, I cannot be sure that
it was a total 'accident' - part of me believes that no-one could
take risks like that without having some kind of death wish. It
was an extremely confusing and vexing time for everyone concerned -
lots of anger, shame, wanting to cover it all up, twist the truth,
re-write it all. My beloved brother, what was he playing at? There
was so little information available about this kind of death. It
wasn't until Stephen Milliken the British politician was found dead
in similar circumstances that I was able to find out more, try to
make sense of it. I was also extremely anxious for his family and
our parents who were shattered. Life was hell. It took a couple of
years before I was able to start grieving properly.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The completion of our individual lives. Final, irreversible,
annihilation of the self and physical shell. The end of our
being. The end of everything: pain, joy, hope, disappointment, plans,
reflections, achievements, failures. The end of experience. Lonely.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a friend aged 7 (I was also 7) who had
wilms tumour. she had been ill for some time and was in hospital
a lot. I knew she wasn't always well but didn't realise she would
die. She was such a funny and friendly little girl. We had a lot of
'adventures' together. I can still see her clearly although I don't
have any photographs.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how surreal everything was, how the world started to look like a
dangerous place, how nothing was as I thought it was. The fear,
guilt,shame,horror.
--What I think my (Ireland) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It's definitely going to happen! I realised that I was kidding
myself - that it only happens to others. Something magical would
happen that I would live forever. I know I'm not alone with this.
Also, the only thing that's offered in my culture as a way of
dealing with death is Faith and the belief that the end of life is
not, well, the end of life. The culture I live in doesn't provide
alternative ways of finding meaning in life and death. It is up to
the individual and it can be a very lonely search.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the realisation that 'this is it' better start living. The need
to change.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
someone to talk to/be with. Not being alone when I was desperate
for company, even if was just to sit in silence. People 'babysat'
me for a while and I will be eternally grateful for that.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
experiencing the devastation of the family he left behind and the
helplessness/powerlessness of the rest of us
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
it took my brother to die for me to realise how precious life is. I
changed my life completely as a result of his death. Life is fuller,
wider and more satisfying. Just as bewildering, but I question
more now, care more about things that really matter. The grief
doesn't go away, but somehow life gets bigger round it. Eventually,
everything takes on a new perspective, you are changed by it, grow
a different skin. Somehow, end up grateful for it as life has more
meaning. But still, able to accept that, given the choice, I would
exchange it all to have him back with his wife and children.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Why I was so frightened. There was such overwhelming fear of things
unknown .
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
we used laughter occasionally as a defence mechanism. It didn't
always work but sometimes it just helped to lighten the moment,
stop us from disappearing into an abyss.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for my family
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
During the first few days, the kindness of neighbours bringing
appetising hot food to the house, even if they didn't stay. Otherwise
we would have starved. No-one had heart to make food for days.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see someone who reminds me of him. Or something that brings me
back to our childhood and I remember happy/sad times. When I think
of how much his wife and children suffered.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would still be a high flying career girl, trampling over all and
sundry, without a care in the world except where I could buy my
next designer outfit/house accessory. None of that matters any more.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he always had such lousy luck.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wrote poetry, letters, getting the jumble of thoughts and emotions
onto paper
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing except an irritation. The minister was entrusted with
the details of the death and informed me that he must have been a
homosexual, belonged to some sort of cult etc. This contributed to
my general fear. I couldn't share this with anyone and although I
thought it was nonsense, I was terrified. Not the homosexual piece
but the mention of cults.
--Religious Affiliation:
None.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I wish.
--Regarding MONEY:
we had no issues with money, thankfully.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the secrecy of it all. Crying but couldn't tell them what we were
crying about. Everybody thought he had killed himself.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The absolute fear of him, of death. He seemed to change in my
eyes. I couldn't understand this, he was such a gentle, sensitive
and loving person - suddenly, he was a monster.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
it was precisely this type of activity that killed him - self
strangulation to bring on a near death experience, and the peace,
joy and euphoria experience - halting it just before loss of
consciousness.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
As a teenager, my brother described to me how he could enter a
tunnel, at will, and wow! He was euphoric describing this to me but
declined to say how he did it. He talked about the bright light,
the fantastic colours, the feeling of peace, happiness. Only now do
I realise just exactly what was happening and now its too late.The
ritual was set.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I experienced sleep paralysis - 'the old hag' visitation. About
3 months after my brother's death. I was scared witless, sure he
was in the room, somehow. That I was to be punished for surviving,
for being me. I read up on this and realise now the science behind
this experience.Thankfully, because I was terrified at the time.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm still in the process of accepting it. In the meantime, I'm
trying to find more meaning in the life I'm in.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
writing poetry; journals. allowing myself to grieve.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Everything changed. I struggled with my job but couldn't maintain
interest. In the end I was highly stressed - the job demanded 120%
and I could only give it 30%. I left and took up a new job in a
caring profession. I have changed how I see the world. I am on a
journey of self awareness.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
several.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I didn't realise until a few years ago that she suffered a lot
before dying. Ignorance of this was probably best as I was only 7
at the time and was quite satisfied that "she had gone to heaven"
My mother took me to her grave many times so she wasn't forgotten
although I don't think I really believed she was there. I also
dreamt about her and somehow that helped.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
it is only within the past few years that I really grieved for her -
partly due to another close bereavement.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Someone being able to offer some explanation of this type of
death. Nobody seemed to understand or be able to explain it.
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Fri Sep 17 20:39:07 1999
M27 in Miami, FL =USA=
Name: Sameet Kumar
Email: <skumar-at-umiami.ir.miami.edu>
Web: http://home.earthlink.net
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Clinical Psychology doctoral student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Who Dies?
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Stephen Levine
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 1 week ago.
Cause of Death: metastatic bladder cancer; Aged: 47.
--Details:
he was a client of mine. i am a psychology graduate student.
he had fought valiantly since diagnosis 9 months ago. he died in
the hospital, with his wife by his side (next to him in bed). i
was not present, but i was very moved.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something that happens because we live. sometimes it is sudden,
sometimes slow, sometimes it is painful, sometimes it is
blissful. but it is inevitable.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was not really able to understand it. i thought we would get a
chance to say goodbye.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a good family friend died in a car
accident. his family was spared, but he died in his wife's arms.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that i could not help but cry. people i know who are my age (mid-late
twenties) were uncomfortable about it. it is the 38th death i
experienced this year, working with end stage cancer patients.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to respect the feelings of the bereaved.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that i feel life is precious, not a guarantee, and that science is
limited in it's knowledge of the numinous.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my supervisor/friend, reading, meditating, praying for him, and
watching related movies.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that i and everyone else was utterly helpless to stop it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
hold them, touch them, massage them, rub their foreheads, alleviate
their thirst. let them know you love them unconditionally with your
eyes. make peace, say thank you, and be in a state of love with them.
--[My acquaintance's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was helpless to stop it but was able to provide comfort, which
alleviated both of us.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
he was subtly yet suddenly actively dying.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
life is but a dream!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be present at the moment of his death.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
communicate my feelings with presence and touch.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
he opened his eyes for a few seconds before dying.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the fact that he had died. he was dying for a long time before then.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think about his wife or pass by their neighborhood.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
he would be suffering, and i would not have learned from his death.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
"i am in the wrong profession. i should be a doctor"
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
return to a time of blissful ignorance about death and dying.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was dismayed at it's power and finality.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
mixed reviews. his pain doctor was a shining star; his gp was a dork.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
N/A
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
praying for him to be reborn into the Pure Land, or at least be
comforted after death so he could find his way.
--Religious Affiliation:
Tibetan Buddhism.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like we are all interconnected, beyond physical or intellectual
dimensions, and exist on those levels whether we acknowledge it
or not.
--Regarding MONEY:
his best pain meds were out of reach financially. WE NEED UNIVERSAL
HEALTH CARE.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
N/A
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
smelling his presence a few days later in my car.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a concentration of energy in the crown of the head, eyes rolling
back into the head periodically, cheynes-stokes breathing, delirium,
twitching.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
grief is not done in stages, but all at once every day. you must
be open to it in order to give their life, and death, meaning.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
felt that this was happening to him when he became non-responsive.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
someone i know has died and been revived. she says there is nothing
to fear but living.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i never really said goodbye. but i think he heard me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
N/A
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
some come back lost wanting direction, others tell me that it's all
about what we can call love but is much more intense. the love we
feel in this life is only the tip of the iceberg.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i do not want to be buried. i do not want to be touched or moved
for at least 6 hours after i die by anyone. i do not want to be
intibated for more than 3 weeks.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am sure i would be angry at the helplessness. i often wonder what
my own death will be like. i hope i would fight to live.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
lighting candles, reciting prayers for the dying. a few moments of
quiet reflection on thier life, death, and my own.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i think about death every day. when i make plans with friends,
i rub in that maybe we won't make it to the event, in the hopes
that they too will begin to reflect on this fact.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes, my supervisor who was present at this man's death, we have
become very close.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
now, as an adult, reflecting on my own impermanence in silence is
the most helpful thing.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Illicit Drugs
alcohol, sex
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
not having sympathy for me, but acknowledgement of the presence of
death all around.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i have thought about this many times, so i did not learn anything
new, but am grateful that this resource is online. i will direct
many people to it. i hope they visit! thank your very much.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
include patient in the category of relation to loved
one. acquaintance just doesn't cut it, and friend is inaccurate.
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F16 in colo, Iowa =U.S=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: School
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, .8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: brain tumor; Aged: 78.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a tragic thing that has to happen. Sometimes you will be in pain
and others you won't.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cryed and cryed.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...all my friends told me about it
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
is the way that my grandmother had to suffer from all of her pain
that she was going through.
--What I think my (U.S) culture needs to better learn about death is:
why it has to happen.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
is that my grandmother didn't have to suffer as long has she
could of.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my best friends and my family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I think that it was sitting there watching my grandmother die right
in front of me and I couldn't do anything to help her.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to make the most out of your last few months.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
felt when I lost my favorite grandmother I felt so empty like I had
noone to turn to with all the pain that was built up inside of me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I watched my grandmother lying in her hospital bed and she was in
so much pain.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i wish I wouldn't have.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my grandmother I would always love her and miss her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say goodbye to my grandmother the night before she died.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my mom first told me grandma had died.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that she was going to a better place and would have a whole other
life without me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think about all the fun times we had.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be so happy instead of always feeling alone and by myself.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
and why does it have to happen to my favorite grandparent.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Go visit her in her other world.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wanted my grandmother back to tell her one more time that I loved
her and tell her that I would miss her very much and would always
remember her.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
that the medical community didn't help my grandma at all.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
that they took care of my grandma very well they were so nice to
her.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that I was part of her funeral and I cryed during the whole thing.
--Religious Affiliation:
Cathilic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that I can't go back into that church because the events that
happened the last time I was in there will stir back up into my life.
--Regarding MONEY:
we couldn't give her all the care she deserved.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that my grandma had alot of friends.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
knowing that I will never get to see my grandma again.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
what my mom had told me was that I didn't need to see my grandma's
last breath but I wanted to be ther when she died.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was the hardest thing that I have ever had rto so
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
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Fri Sep 17 03:51:18 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 28 ago.
Cause of Death: gunshot; Aged: 70's.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an passage out of this existence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand what happened, at first...
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...we were soing to visit my grandmother...my
mother noticed that my grandmother wasn't answering the door and told
me and my brother to stay utside...nest thing, I heard her scream
and she closed what was needed to be closed of the drapes....my
stepgrandfather had shot my grnadmother and himself
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mother screaming...then seeing her laying down after we came
home and crying an how my father made me and my brother go away
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it hurts.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
grace
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing that the loved one was nearer to me and could hear me
more clearly...
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being allowed to greive, because greiving was considered weak
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
you're safe now.
--[My idol Movie Star's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
felt as if I was kicked in the gut so hard that I still find it
difficult to breathe
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I couldn't get over the fact that I couldn't save him.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that's bullshit
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him I loved him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be able to talk to him and fell that he heard me better.... that
he was still here, even more so...and that he didn't hurt anymore
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
she looked up from her swinging chair and looked at me and smiled
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
being there
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm in the middle of a crowd and yet I still feel invisible
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't know
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he didn't have to die
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
disappear
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I didn't have one
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
episcopalian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting
--Regarding MONEY:
I didn't have any
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I wasn't there
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the feeling of being part of the otherness from this world
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the lights behind a person's eyes dim, yet grow calm
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I don't have one, it's not something I can be specific about
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he materialised in front of me and said he was all right
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
safe, private, warm
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Thu Sep 16 20:36:02 1999
Anonymous Guest
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
taking a death test and this was next on the list
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My mom's best friend, who was like my
surrogate mother, died of breast cancer when i was in Grade 8.
I was devastated because she was the first person I ever really
loved that had died.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
I couldn't go to my mom, who I'm really close to, because she was
grieving too.
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Thu Sep 16 07:52:23 1999
F19 in , Florida =USA=
Name: Chrissy
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: College Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: self; Aged: 52.
--Details:
It was my best friend's father. We shared an apartment at the time.
I had known her and her family since high school, and considered
her family the most normal, healthy one I knew of and considered
her parents like my own.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a creature's ability to interact physically, emotionally,
and intellectually with others ends. The body of the creature is
no longer animated.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my great-grandmother and I was only 2. I remember people
crying and the coffin which someone picked me up to see inside.
Its contains didn't disturb me much. The sight of seeing all of
my family grieving was more upseting.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the disbelief. Mainly the suddenness and how impossible it seemed
that he would no longer be alive.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
actually the scientific theory that energy cannot be created nor
destroyed. I believe that human activity, both mental and physical,
is energy that lasts forever. The nature if this enternal form,
however, is what I cannot grasp.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Trying to interact with others correctly. I didn't know exactly how
others felt, and those involved had wild mood swings constantly.
I naturally deal with things with humor, which was violently
unwelcome sometimes then begged for at others.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was totally healthy. I remember just feeling the inablity
to be so utterly depressed for so long. I smiled for the first
time afterwards and it felt so strange. I had never gone for days
without humor and I realized that it's impossible for me to do it.
It's my natural state.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
had to see the body. Until that point it was just like he had
gone away, like on vacation or something, and was due back soon.
When I saw his body, I realized where he actually was physically.
When I saw how lifeless the body was, I realized that his life-energy
was gone too.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. The family was Catholic and all the priests in our samll
town said that they were too busy to direct the small funeral
they wanted. They ended up with a nice Baptist minister, but his
words seemed bland and common. None of the religious aspects of
the situation aided me at all.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was raised Christian, but now I give no more a specific label
that montheist.
--Regarding MONEY:
Money matters made me ill. Whenever I had to think about money
probelms at the time, I felt sick because why should I bother with
such superficial matters in light of that detha.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How small it was. It was only myself, my friend, her mother, her
two brothers, and a sister-in-law. I don't think I could have dealt
with more people present than that, and I know the family couldn't.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
trying to help everyone else with minor problems. I made sure
everyone (my friend and her mother) ate, bathed, slept, and had
at least a small amount of humor. Otherwise these are strong,
independent women that I had admired, and at that point, they didn't
desire to dress well, eat, or smile.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My still-living grandfather, who has been my guardian for many years,
told me that after a boating accident he was left out in the water
for many hours before being rescued. I was about 2 at the time.
During one of the hardest hours, he said he experienced the white
light and a calling for him. He resisted, saying that he wanted
to be able to see me again. THe light then left and he was back
waiting in the water for rescue.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My friend dreamed of her father for weeks after his death, mainly
they talked during the dream. Her mother dreamed of her husband,
only once after many weeks, of dancing with him. I dreamed that he
returned from a long trip just as his family and I were moving away.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Since the time of my friend's father's death, I've woken up in the
morning, usually about once a month, to a sinking terror that I
will one day no longer exisist.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
At the time of his death, my friend and I were not very close
emtionally. After her father died, we talk more intimately.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
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Wed Sep 15 16:49:03 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 19yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 59.
--Details:
died on christmas day while I was lying next to her
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...Grandma died
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Rage
keep it hidden inside, never cry again
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Wed Sep 15 09:09:43 1999
F26 in Ballston Spa, NY =USA=
Name: Andrea
Email: <compulady-at-xoommail.com>
Web: http://members.xoom.com/compulady
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: homemaker/PC Technician/Web Designer
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Talking to Heaven
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
James Van Praagh
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: sudden heart attack; Aged: 75.
--Details:
my mother and I were living 1500 miles away- and totally helpless.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
To some,death is a transition from this life as we know it,
into another. For others, death means life ceasing to exist in
an individual.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
(as an adult).. I felt my heart being torn out, and I couldn't cry
enough, I couldn't get out my emotion enough.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather was in the hospital- I was 4. He was in and out
a couple of times before he never came back home. (My mother,
brother and I were living with my grandparents after my parents'
divorce).. All I remember is knowing he was sick, but my mom wouldn't
let me see him in the hospital.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
wanting to be alone to grieve.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to talk about it more.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I'm not grateful for the experience at all.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mother.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the guilt of knowing I may have been able to help her, or the fact
she was all alone and may have suffered.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
does not apply here
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
appreciate life more and those who I love.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
one day you're here, the next you could be gone~
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that never happened.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to have seen my grandmother more, and hear stories of her life in my
adult life. I wished I could have shown her how much I really loved
her. I didn't realize until after she was gone how close we were.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk to her a week before she passed and I let her know how much
I loved her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
?
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about her. I do cry still!!!! Geez, also when I think about
when I have to deal with my parents death.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
that will happen one day- I'm sure of that.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that's life!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
remove my emotions. (be like a Vulcan from Star Trek)
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sunk into a temporary depression
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they suck
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
just honoring her traditional religion. I am not a religious person.
--Religious Affiliation:
Jewish- mom's side, Roman Catholic- father's side
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we are all the same.
--Regarding MONEY:
money wasn't a factor until after the funeral.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone who came -- it was wierd. Those who came were most I have
never met. I hoped those people felt the guilt of not seeing her
as often as they could have!
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
it just sucked. Everything about it did.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
they always seem to know.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
trying to remain positive that they're not dying, but are moving
on to a better place.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I dream of her often.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nope.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have talked to her in bed as I go to sleep. I am sure whatever
I felt; she knows about it.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would have confirmation that there is life after death. I would
positivly know that there's another side to this all, as I believe
deep down inside me. I would hope to share with her all that's
happened since her passing, and I would like to hear from her,
how she's been.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
like I had stated before, she has come to me in my dreams many
times. Other then that- I have never had a awakened physical
experience.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
what pisses me off, is that my family didn't think about her thoughts
of what she wanted. All they cared about were themselves. This is
something I have not resolved with them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm scared to think about that.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I don't think it was healthy at the time. Until I get out of the
death funk, I don't think well. I think with only emotion, so I
couldn't say it's good. I grieve best when alone, some called it
being withdrawn, but either way- I prefer to get it all out as soon
as I can rather then party with friends and relatives as they do
during that time. I find that not only covers up the reality of
the situation, but also supresses some of it.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
just that I have learned the death is something that CAN happen to
me, and to appreciate all that's around me.. Life is really short!
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
nope
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I was 4.. I didn't quite get it yet, and no one in the house talked
about it with me.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
age and intellect
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
for me, I wished I was seeing a shrink at the time, I believe I could
have dealt better getting a trusted outside opinion. I haven't had
to deal with others their deaths though.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought back feelings of sadness; of the loss of her passing. It
also brought back anger I felt of the people around me, and their
insensitivity to her. (though they did love her). It also brought
back feelings of guilt I have worked through.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
nah, it's cool.. :-)
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Tue Sep 14 15:47:23 1999
F38 in Comox Valley, British Columbia =Canada=
Name: Angel
Email: <mcangel-at-geocities.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Human Service Worker
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying; The Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 21years ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 66.
--Details:
It was prolonged. From the diagnosis to the actual death it was
two years. She had been misdiagnosed for a long time prior, due
in part to her lack of English and the doctors reluctence to check
for Cancer.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of living in the physical world. We as humans believe in
the soul, which resides in the body and lives eternally. At death
the soul moves out of the body and moves to a higher plane and may
be reborn or stay on the higher plane.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Struggled to understand, as I was only five and the death concept is
not established. I could, however relate it to the kittens I had seen
die, and to what I had already learned about death from the bible.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was playing in the woods in Vancouver when I
stumbled over a body. The man was face down in a puddle and naked. I
was only five years old. I ran home to tell my mom and she called
an ambulance. Just as the attendants were loading the man into
the ambulance he died. We found out later he was an escapee from
a mental institution near by.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The pain the dying person was in. Not just in the death of my
grandmother, but that of my friends and other family. Most of the
deaths I have experience have been due to disease or accident.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is better to die in dignity, than in imeasurable pain and
loss of control and function.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
having had a few near death experiences I know that better things
await us all. I have placed more value on the time we have on this
earth and the relationships we develop in our lifetimes. I never
forget to say how much I care to someone, because I don't know when
I will see them again.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that my grandmother will always live in me and my children,
and so on. I remember them and their personalities and that gives
me great confort.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching their pain, and knowing I could not stop the pain for them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
1. Let them talk
2. hold their hand and stroke their face
3. Tell them what you feel
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
can be "present" in all senses of the word, for the person dying. I
want people to know that death is not a time for sorrow, but for
gladness.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Not knowing how much in reality the dying person was weeks or days
before death.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did not laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have been there right at the death point.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Tell her how much she had given me. How much I loved her and
admired her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandmother took my sisters face in her hands and told her she
was going to be someone very special one day.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The material aspects to the persons death.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember how cruel it was to let her die in so much pain.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have a better sense of family history on that side of my
family. There a a lot of secrets from that past. Secrets I will
never have amswers to. I would feel more complete.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
for people to die during holidays or occations. My grandfather
died five days before christmas, so no cchristmas has gone by since
without thinking of how unfair this was/is for my family.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back in time to ask those questions i did not think to ask when
I was 17.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cryed. I lost myself for a time in my memories of them.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust. I do not have any faith in the human side of the medical
profession. To let someone experience that horror and treat them
as sub-human, sickens me.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I was not involved with hospice.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I was raised in the church, but do not hold fast to organized
religious beliefs. i have an ecclectic view of God and the after
life. I believe that all religions individually are wrong and that
a more religious wholistic view is more correct.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was baptised in the Lutheren church.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
correct. I was there.
--Regarding MONEY:
Family members fight and disown each other. I have a father and
Aunt who no longer speak. i have cousins who no longer speak to
me. I was asked what I wanted materially. I asked for a few things
that so not have any monetary value, I have a quilt and a few table
clothes, and I am very happy with that.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Status. I saw how most people where concerned with how they
themselves were being viewed that the person in the most grief
was forgotten.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The dying persons grief process'. the look of pain the confusion
from past, and present and real events vs unrealities. The
persons paller, how the skin feels (it becomes very soft, the fetal
positioning of the dying person
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
In my process I know that they will soon be out of pain and the
troubles from this world will be over and better things await, so
I see death as a release. yes I am sorrowful but only because that
person in no longer in my reality, but that we will be together
again.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
They looked so at peace. From my own experience I was greeted by
people who made me feel warm, safe and welcome. Withother people's
deaths I have dreams in which the dead person sends greetings
and messages
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
As I have said I have been very near the other side. One one
particular occassion, I was in a dark tunnel. there were arms and
voices trying to stop me from going toward the light. I got to the
light and a man was there blocking the way. he said "No Angel,
we don't want you" The next thing I recall is my mom yelling at
me, "I love you and I love your children, but I will not raise
them". Mom tells me she did not yell this at me but whispered it
into my ear. The feeling I was left with was one of huge rejection
and sorrow for not being able to go into the light. I still cry
very hard remembering this.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
In the case of my grandmother,My issues is for my heritage. Because
it was in Nazi occupied Germany that they came from during the war
i do not know the heritage invloved here. I have asked my father
and my aunt, but they have refused to talk about it. So I search
for information on line and in history books.I have realized that
i may never get the answers i need but I can live with this.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I only can agian think of the history questions with regard to
my grandmother.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My grandfather came to me in a dream after his death. I could not
be there during his death process (distance). In the dream he was
laying on the sofa in the livingroom of my grandparent's home.I
went ot him and he said he was cold. I got a fire going and covered
him with a blanket. He snuggled into the blanket and asked me to
close the blinds. i did and he said that was better. He said his
pain was gone and he was happy and that I needed to leave him now,
and he would be fine now and then he thanked me and I left the
room. I felt comforted and at peace when i awoke. i carry this
memory around and it brings me happiness still.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
What the dying person wants is what is right. For example i do not
want a funeral, I want a celebration. Grieve for yourselves, but be
happy for me. I believe that he dying person sets out wishes and does
not make them lightly and so thus they must be followed if possible.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My own death is immenent as is everyone elses. I do not want to
die now, but I could go if I knew my children would be ok. I am
not afraid of death, only the pain between. i feel sad for those
left behind and hope I will live for a longer time yet. i want to
see grandchildren. So for myself i have no real concern just for
those who will survive me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I like to be able to have something that belonged to that person. My
grandfather gave me some hand tools that I use and each time I
use the hammer I hear his say "You hammer like a girl"(it was our
joke)Or the doll that was my grandmother's ( again these things
have no dollar value but they help me cope.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I observe people together and wonder if each knows to tell the other
the good things about the other. My gradfather used to say If you
did not give me flowers while i was alive I do not want them in
death. It's from an old poem.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
When my friend died, she had a friend who came to see her. The
friend live far away. I let her know when my friend had died and
we have begun a correspondence entirely of our own.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
My belief systems
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
It's in my nature to reach out to others and help then deal with the
grief and loss they feel. This is how I help myself. I encourage the
other people to share what they are thinking and feeling. In this
way were share in the joy of the person's life and this creates a
bond and invisible thread from the dying/dead person through you
and through others, connecting us all.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It has helped me at this point in my life again. I am going through
a rough time and now I feel better able to cope by putting "life"
back into focus. Thank you.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Possibly include a question on how many loved ones you have lost,
as the grief process is different each time someone dies. In my
case with each death I have experienced I learn something new. The
age of a person upon each death is important as well. I know the
older I get the more deeply I think of these questions.
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Tue Sep 14 11:15:10 1999
F22 in novato, ca =usa=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
Prof/Studies: Liberal Studies Major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer/AIDS; Aged: 30.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a part of life. Some of us cope better than others when it
occurs. Many different cultures and belief systems co exist on
earth and each has their own belief about the afterlife.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very upset. I was angry and I felt cheated that my grandfather
was being taken from me at such a young age. He was such a part
of my life and I was not ready to let go.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather had been ill for quite a long
period of time. However, he was only in his forties. I watched him
suffer until the day he died. At that point I was at his bedside
holding his hand. He was one of the most important men in my life.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the way he looked at me and begged me to stay with him. I will
never forget the depth of my brothers eyes or the terror I could
see in them. Watching him die was by far the most difficult task
I have ever faced.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it can be as scarey for the dying as it is for the living.
I think if we had more faith in whatever higher power we seek,
dying would be an easier issue for everyone.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I was able to be near both my grandfather and my brother as
they passed away. I was able to say all of the things that I felt
were important and feel at peace with myself.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the alone time that I spent with my thoughts and discovering how
it was that I really felt.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the emotinal trauma that results after the death. I endured many
feelings that I never anticipated.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
remain close to them. Hold their hand and let them know you care
and that you're going to stay near them.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to deal with my own issues after he passed away. I found
strength I didn't know I had, and perhaps I didn't until that time.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my brother in the months before he became
very ill.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there and visit him several times.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Someone asks me how many siblings I have. Or I realize that I
can't call him.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
will him back and make changes in his life so that things would
have ended differently.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
broke down and avoided the thought for awhile longer. I was not
ready to tackle it just yet.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
that they did an incredible job. Without them things would have
been a lot different.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
little. It was my own personal faith and ability to feel connected
with the Lord that helped in this event.
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
correct. It doesn't matter which higher power you seek, death
is universal. Spirit is also universal, where the spirit of the
dead goes is usually to a better place for all beliefs.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
passage of time and crying and crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
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Mon Sep 13 22:10:22 1999
M26 in Bath, PA =USA=
Name: John Ritter
Email: <jarii-at-ptdprolog.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
my cousin's daughter is working on a class project..just browsing
for info for her
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Prof/Studies: Cable Television
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
one of my favorite book about death is "Embraced by the Light"
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Betty J Eddy
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 84.
--Details:
I have to admit this is one of the most relaxed deaths I have
ever had to handle. I was the last one to talk to her. I told
her that we all loved her very much but that we loved her enough
to let her go. I kissed her cheek, walked out of the room, and
her breathing shallowed. Five minutes later she was gone and the
family was so relieved she wasn't in pain anymore.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
death is one of the most difficult changes we as humans have to
deal with. It is one of the only permenant changes in our lives.
death is when a person's soul leaves his body behind to move on to
better places.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was angry. My grandfather had passed away when I was about 8yrs old.
at first I didn't quiet understand it. But when I knew he wasn't
coming back I was ok with the fact that there is nothing I could
do about it....but on the same token I was angry because he had
promised to do something with me and my sister and now he never
would(I felt like he had lied to me) but now I know better.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather had a history of heart problems.
he died of a heart attack. It is medical problem my family has to
deal with.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it was my grandmother I wrote of previously. I can really say
there was no grieving. Not because I didn't miss her, but because
I was so much happier that she wasn't in pain anymore. I love
my grandmother very much and there are times I still miss her.
Mainly at Easter time. She was Ukrainian and taught us to do the
decorative eggs. I still do those eggs each year and miss her
greatly while I do them. And yet, I can still sit back and take
comfort in the fact that this was my way of keeping her alive.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I come from a very mixed culture when it comes to death. I can't
honestly think of anything MY culture needs to learn about dealing
with death. I have no problem in death ... until the final good-bye.
When I put the flower on the coffin -at- the cemetary I will admit
I lose it. That is the hardest part for me. I have a good cry
say my final god-byes and move on to the next stage of my life.
I still feel the loss but this is how life is. Nothing is forever
and the soon everyone accepts that the sooner people will be able
to handle death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Everyone looks -at- birth as a miracle...but so few people see the
miracle in death. I am not overly religious but the miracle of
death is just as wonderful. When someone gives birth it is a
beautiful moment and death can be just as wonderful. You really
probably think that I am sick or something. But I can honestly
say that I am glad that God gave me the honor to be there with my
grandmother when she passed. It was sad, really upsetting, and yet
it was beautiful and wondrous to be present when she went home.
To know she was with her husband after being apart for 27 and in
the presence of God with all his Glory. She is one woman I know is
inside the pearly gates. Not because she was a devout christian but
because she was whole heartedly a good person...nt a bad word about
anyone and willing to give the shirt off her back to anyone in need.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
humor and memories. When my other grandmother died it was a
happy/sad even...my sister was just married 4 days before and she
could not attend the happy event because she was in the hospital.
At the viewing my other sister and my cousin were remembering her
the way she would have wanted it...the good time. We were actually
laughing about the stuff we did with her that my Aunt thought someone
was crying so hard. My mother kept scolding us to stop but everyone
deals with death in different ways. We chose to remember the good
times instead of lingering on the death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The hardest part would have to be the change in my life. I miss my
grandmothers very much and would give anything to see them again...to
hear them again...to taste their cooking but there is nothing I can
do about that...I was lucky enough to learn some of their recipes
before they passed away but how do you measure a pinch of this and
a dash of that...it still doesn't come out just like their's
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
If someone is terminally ill and if they are in the last stages of
death most of the time they are waiting for 1 of 2 things...first
they are waiting for everyone to come see them...or...they just
need to be told it is ok to go. some people feel it is hard to
tell someone to die...but you can't look at it as on to die...you
have to look at it as being strong enough to allow them to stop the
suffering they are going through. It is the humane thing to do.
Look at it from your point of view if it was you...you are holding
on feeling like no one will be ok if you go....they need that extra
boost of confidence to tell them that you will be ok and you will
always love them.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
grew very respectable of death. It is something to be
respected...much as life should be respected. because no motter
how you look at it both are something no one has the ability to run
away from. life is here until death and death is here when life
holds no more adventures for you. So what I want ther people to
know is that you have to respect all aspects of live (birth, living,
and death) because when it comes right down to it that is all others
will have to remember you by when you are gone. And hopefully
everyone is remembered for more good than bad. I try to live by
the golden rule....do unto others as you would have done unto you!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when I was 15 and my other grandfather passed away. I couldn't
understand why -at- that stage in everyone involved's life he was
chosen at that time. my grandmother had just retired they had
a trip planned with my great aunt and uncle(first one in over 20
years)family was crumbling apart. but when I sit back and look...it
actually helped pull the family back together again.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I honestly can't think of a moment right now.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to spend more time with my grandmother. I truely believe that I
have learned alot from her. She wasn't rich and taught us more of
the finer things in life like respect and just plainly finding the
good things in life.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
to be present when my grandmother died. It was such an incredible
moment. the moment she passed the room fell still, everything was
quiet and an odd chill filled the room and with in minutes it was
all over peace came to someone who was in desperate need of it.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I told my grandmother that we loved her enough to let her go and
not even 1 minute later she shallowed her breathing to she gave up
the fight and was ready to go home!
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
how my grandfather's death might have been averted if we would
have seen teh signs. primarily the extreme fatigue. this is the
grandfather that died when I was 15. he was a very active man and
for the last two weeks of his life all he did was lay on the couch
and sleep. Maybe if we saw this we could have saved his life.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
the final goodbye as I said before.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
after my grandfather passed away. I felt as though my grandmother
had been robbed. all the plans they had made were all gone.
it wasn't fair that that she put her time in they, never went
anywhere due to the fact of work and that now they had all these
plans were 86'd and all the work they did to enjoy the golden years
went out the window. It was just so unfair to my grandmother and
to this day I still fee lbad for her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
i try to bury all things that a bad in my life in humor. regardless
of how morbid it might sound=my theory on life is laughter is the
best medicine
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Keeping Busy
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I though it was really good and I would love to finish it but it
is not 1:00AM and I have to be -at- work -at- 8:00AM. I feel that it
really helps people think about what death really means to them.
and as you go on through this survey you start to open up more and
really put more behind your thoughts.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I will admit some of the questions are redundant...same question
asked a different way...otherwise it is fine
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Mon Sep 13 19:56:16 1999
F19 in Arlington, Texas =USA=
Name: Alicia Vollmer
Email: <aliciakay-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
just stumbled...
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Prof/Studies: student, biology major at UNT
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: complications of pneumonia; Aged: 17.
--Details:
She (Catherine) got very ill with plain old pneumonia; her
mother refused to admit her to the hospital because she didn't
believe in doctors, but that faith in God would cure her daughter.
Catherine got sicker and sicker, and died in her home on 12/23/96.
Her dad had fought her mom about taking her to the hospital, but he
never changed her mind. He felt like he killed his daughter because
of this. Her mother says it was evidently God's will that she die,
and her brother, who was only 14 then, cried for days and wouldn't
speak to hie mother. At the funeral, my boyfriend, who was one of
Catherine's best friends, got into a screaming argument with her
mother, which ended very badly, and none of our friends have ever
really been able to reconcile everything that happened.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the loss of physical life accompanied by the departure of the soul
from the body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand or believe what happened, and struck out at
everything and everyone because I was so confused.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my cousin, who used to babysit me everyday,
was involved in a drunk driving accident and was in a coma for four
weeks before my aunt and uncle pulled the plug.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being so angry at the world because no one helped her or tried to
save her, and the insanity of attending a funeral at which there
were more people under 20 years of age than over 20, and celebrating
Christmas without her.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
many people need time alone to comprehend what has happened.
Familial support is so important, but sometimes we need to be left
alone to come to terms with what has happened.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the day I realized that Death is just another way out of illness
and suffering. Maybe the survivors experience pain and grief,
but the person who was suffering is cured and whole again. When I
realized that, it gave me a new perspective on Death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my best friend and his uncanny way of making me more comfortable
and content even when he's not trying. He could just sit next to
me on the couch and say nothing and still be such a comfort -- just
knowing he was there and that he wasn't going to try to downplay
what I was going through or tell me I shouldn't feel bad when I did.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
letting go of her. Since I didn't see her often when she was alive,
it was hard for me to admit that she was gone...I would accidently
ask my boyfriend if she was coming to one gathering or another and
have that embarrassed moment of silence between my asking and my
realizing what I had just asked. It was really hard.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't treat them different. Likely they know they are dying already,
and don't need you to remind them. I was there when my grandfather
died, and we talked about baseball in our final moments together,
just as though it were a normal day. I was very young, but I knew
even then that my freaking out and crying and acting weird and
different would not have helped him. I just sat by his bed with my
mom and talked. I think that he knew how much I loved him just then,
because I was just being his granddaughter like I had always been.
It was comforting for both of us, and my mom as well.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned that, just by thinking of her, I can bring her back in a way.
She has died, and I understand and have coped with that. As part
of that, I have learned that keeping a memory burning like a lamp
in your mind means that you don't ever really have to lose a person.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first started to think about what had happened. Initially, there
was shock, but it was always after that when the confusion settled
in. That is really the hardest thing about death, because usually
everyone around you is just as confused as you are, and it is hard
to help eachother. Everyone deals with the confusion differently.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was okay. For a minute the entire thing seemed ridiculous; so
ceremonial and everything that it was almost surreal. I remember
thinking 'geez, we're just burying a bag of bones. Why all the
pomp and circumstance?' And I giggled. I got a few dirty looks,
but I know that was just my mind coping in a way that not everyone
understands.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to her once more. I wouldn't say tell her I loved her, because
I know she knew that. I just feel like I had so many more things
to talk about with her and share with her, that I wish I had the
chance to say just a few more of them. To have that little bit
more contact, that little bit more closeness.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
comfort my grandfather when my grandmother died. He had a video
made about her life - pictures combined with home movies all tied
together with her favorite songs in the background. When it was
shown during the private family viewing, I sat next to him, my hands
holding his, and he told me the story behind every picture and video
clip and song. I learned about her life before they were married,
their life together, 'their song,' and their family. It was such a
comfort to him and me too; he was sharing a tremendous piece of his
life and my grandmother's with me. It was the most special thing
I can remember, even now that he is gone too. Our souls connected
for a few minutes while he was telling me about his wife, the love
of his life.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
when my cousin Tommy gave me a lily from one of our grandfather's
florl arrangements on the way to the cemetary. It was such a kind
gesture, and it meant the world at the time. All at once, it was
comforting and loving and so...NECESSARY. He knew it would make
me smile a little. I put it in my hair and wore it there for the
rest of the day.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
working out the logistics of the funeral. We pretty much just let
things fall into place, without worrying too much on details.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm laying down to go to sleep and catch a glimpse of my
grandparents' pictures on my wall. There is something about
nighttime that makes me miss them so much more.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We would have shared in eachothers'triumphs and trials. We would
have grown in knowledge from eachother. My life would be different
in millions of ways, but I would have gone back to taking everything
for granted again.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
we never had a chance to say goodbye. It seems very unfair that
she died before we had a chance to talk to her again.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
fall asleep and dream life into them forever.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. It was perfectly natural, and once I had cried for awhile,
I was able to think more clearly about what had happened. Crying has
always been part of my way of healing. It cleanses the mind and
gets out all the non-productive emotions you have so you can begin
to come to terms.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
confusion. The doctors did what they could, I'm sure, but we always
felt like we were in the dark; constantly filling in the holes by
looking thing up in medical dictionaries and guessing and listening
in to conversations between doctors and nurses.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
doctors and nurses were hesitantly comforting at best and all out
rude at worst. You have to be ready to deal with anything when
death is occuring in a hospital.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a support system beyond the family and friends - a network of people
who made sure everything would go smoothly so we wouldn't have to
think about it, as well as s knowledge that God was with us and
she was with God.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very right. I believe that there is no language or culture barrier
in our Spirits - the human spirit is unique to each inividual,
but since we all have the same emotions and thoughts and feelings,
I don't believe boundaries like language and culture can exist once
the body has died.
--Regarding MONEY:
there was argument over wills and the forgiving of debts and
how the money should be divided. It was sad to see people use my
grandfather's name to get things turne their way: "Daddy would want
it this way, he would want all debts forgiven" "No we wouldn't.
He was too fair for that." It frankly disgusted me to see the
way my aunts and uncles were behaving - like the only thing that
mattered was the money. Like greedy children.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone had a good thing to say about the person who died, even
if there was known tension between the two. I'd like to think that
the death led people to put aside petty differences.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the viewing of the body. It was just like a shell - somehow it
just didn't look right. The makeup and the hair. It seemed very
fake and was a little frightening.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the eyes get dull, and I think the dying person, if coherent, knows
what is happening to them. If they begin talking about it a lot,
likely they feel they are beginning to experience it. You shouldn't
ignore that, because they may be very in touch with their body.
You should never downplay that.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
time alone was very important. I took a walk in the middle of a
weekday down a road where there is very little traffic and very
few people. It gave me time to reflect and come to terms without
having to deal with everyone else's emotions and advice. Usually,
you inherently know how to deal with the death. It's just a matter
of finding the strength inside of yourself. Once you find it,
you can draw from it. I needed time alone to find that strength.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
this is a very peaceful time for them. They realize that death is
approaching and have, in their own way, come to terms with that.
It should be a comfort to friends and family to see a loved one at
this point, because it means that the dying person is not afraid
or tormented by what is happening to them.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel that I have resolved my issues. For a long time after my
grandfather died, I felt bad, because the last time I saw him,
I was afraid of him (advanced Alzheimer's) and had to be forced to
kiss him goodbye. I realize now that I was only eleven, and I know
he was aware of my love for him.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I think my granparents would tell me they are proud of me, and of how
far I have come. They would encourage me to keep up my hard work,
that no matter what, they would always be proud of me. This would
help me feel more confident that I am doing what I was meant to do.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My grandmother appears in many of my dreams. Rarely does she say
anything or do anything - she is like a fixture. I think maybe
this is reminding me of her love for me and helping me to keep her
in my mind and heart.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want to donate all organs and tissues, and to be cremated after
that. My mother has a very hard time understanding that this is
what I want, as she wants to be buried whole. I have made it clear
to her that I want this done, and hopefully she would respect that
if something were to happen to me. All you can do is make your
wishes clear to your loved ones.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I realize how fragile life is, and I realize that anything can
happen. That is incredibly scary, but knowing that it happens to
everyone at some time is comforting. We all have the same fears
about dying, no matter how strong and fearless we seem. I try to
live my life the best I can while I am here, and I try to make an
impact so people will remember me when I die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I watched a votive candle burn from beginning to end, and spent
the entire time thinking about her and remembering her. I tried
to see her face in the flame, and I tried to remember everything
I could about her life.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I talk to my grandparents, cousin, and friend at night very often;
it's not really prayer, but it makes me feel close to them. When my
mother does something clumsy, she giggles, looks up at the sky,
and mutters "Thanks, Mom," since she always said her clumsiness came
from her mother. When I am nervous about something, like giving a
speech, I pretend that my grandfather is in the back row watching
me, and I talk to him.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My boyfriend's and my relationship bloomed after our mutual friend
Catherine died. That tragedy strengthened our relationship in a
way that nothing else could. I think she would be happy to know
that we are still together and still love eachother very much.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
I was only like eight years old, but I was really angry at his
friend, who was the one driving the car drunk, and with Paul himself
for being there. I was also in shock that someone so young could
actually die. So, for a while, I didn't even acknowledge it, since
my parents refused to take me to the funeral because they believed
I was too young to see the body.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me think about all the things I went through during the
deaths I have experienced. It was helpful in evaluationg my
abilities to cope with my loved ones' deaths.
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Mon Sep 13 17:32:50 1999
F19 in Kalamazoo, Michigan =USA=
Email: <cfebles-at-uiowa.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Just surfing
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Prof/Studies: Student...Education
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: brain tumor/old age; Aged: 86.
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--Death Is:
The ceasing of existance in bodily form as we know it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to remember. The first time I experienced a
significant death was when I was 14 and my music teacher died.
I was shocked by it and I felt weird but not particularly sad.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My maternal grandfather died of lung cancer
when I was 3. He was a very heavy smoker and he had one lung
removed and refused to quit smoking.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The bonding process that we went through during and after this death.
My family is very close-knit and this was a rather prolonged and,
at times, agonizing death to watch. The tension got so thick
at times you could cut it with a knife so we had to really stick
together and help eachother cope.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That death should not be shunned and avoided. In this country death
is treated like the plague! We hide it, avoid dealing with it,
get rid of it as soon as possible, and then encourage people to
get over it quickly.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My last few weeks with my grandfather. When I was young we were
very close and as I got older a generation gap developed between
us and we just didn't understand eachother anymore. The last
few months of his life I was aware that he was dying and my last
Christmas break at home with him he had very few capacities left.
He was confused and scared and he couldn't walk anymore or talk or
remember most of the time but he knew me and I spent a lot of time
talking to him and moving him and hugging him and helping him with
things but trying not to be condescending. When I left he asked
where I was every day for the rest of his life and he told my
grandma he had no idea I loved him so much. That is very gratifying.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My father...he always is. Even though it was his father and a very
traumatic loss for him, he helped everyone through it in the way
that only my father can and he made it bareable and rational as
much as possible.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching the painfully slow disintegration of someone who was once
so strong and capable.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't know what was wrong. Before my grandpa was diagnosed
with this brain tumor no-one knew why he wasn't functioning and
kept falling. We all thought maybe he had just given up.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I have not experienced this when someone from within my family has
died but I have at all the funerals and wakes I've been to for
other people. I think it is a nervous reaction stemming from a
profound discomfort with the reality of what I'm experiencing.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say goodbye and make it clear to a man to whom nothing was clear
anymore that I loved him and would miss him.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Receiving the body. My grandpa was creamated and everyone makes
such a spectacle about picking up the ashes and having the body
around and all...it just wasn't real to me at that point.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Fri Sep 10 22:53:55 1999
F51 in east st. louis, Illinois =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandmother died at age 92 from
breast cancer
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
family and friends
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
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Fri Sep 10 13:53:10 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Neice, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: enlarged heart; Aged: 10 months.
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--That first time, how it happened was
Great Grandfather died of cancer
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Superstition
keeping busy,being around others
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Fri Sep 10 04:05:46 1999
F42 in Cleveland, OH =USA=
Name: Deborah
Email: <LinkFairy-at-aol.com>
Web: http://members.tripod.com/~LinkFairy/
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looked up Bardo
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Prof/Studies: tutor
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Testimony of Light, Hello from Heaven
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, one day ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 68.
--Details:
I watched Dad's life force slowly seep away over a brutal year of
chemotherapy. As death approached, there were several "false alarm"
death vigils, and he seemed to die in endless slow motion. . . when
he finally let go, it was a great relief for all.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transition where our spirit separates from our body, much like
cicadas or butterflies emerge from their cocoons. The essence of
the person carries on, all thoughts and emotions intact. Energy
cannot be created or destroyed, merely transformed. Death is our
transformation to our natural state.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
The first umpteen times, I was not moved, because I was not close to
those people. I was quite detached about it all. They were here,
now they're not. Not much difference either way.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my beloved companion cat of 13 years died of
congestive heart failure, at home.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
It was a huge relief. The interminable waiting and false alarms
left us strained, drained, and crisp around the edges.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not to be feared or dreaded . . . nor hastened. It is NATURAL.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Why do we unnaturalize it with
embalming fluids, ornate steel caskets, and all manner of things
that insure the body cannot "return to the earth." I'd rather
become compost for a tree that would go on to shelter Life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It brought our family closer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Reading accounts of near-death experiences.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching them suffer, unable to "make it better." The absolute
hardest part.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
he WANTED to die, was BEGGING to die, SEEMED like he would die any
minute . . . yet did not die. Again and again.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I never felt that. OTHER confusing thoughts and feelings, though --
like the realization that 7 people were now free of domination and
intimidation and disempowering. Free.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go on hiatus; take a sabbatical; fly away.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Few doctors are healers. Many are businessmen first and foremost.
Many are insecure and power-hungry. Few listened or cared.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice embraces life. Hospice looked out for his dignity and
comfort ~ like his doctors should have but did not. I wish he'd
bypassed chemo and went to hospice immediately. He might still be
here then, but at peace and smiling.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Organized religion means business. (Show them the
money!) Spirituality is another matter entirely.
--Religious Affiliation:
Raised as United Methodist, found it dreadfully limiting. Read
about many others. Dabbled in Swedenborg. Sampled this and that.
Finally found Science of Mind, which "hit the spot."
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Correct. True.
--Regarding MONEY:
Dad refused treatments that could help him, deciding they cost too
much; was rejected for others, because insurance said they cost
too much.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Dad's "hallucinations" -- or were they? One in particular stuck with
me, when he said "Jack was here twice; but HIS NAME'S NOT JACK YET."
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
where there was constant pain, suddenly no pain; ever decreasing
consciousness/awareness/lucidity; lost interest in eating/drinking;
seeing deceased family; ever decreasing blood pressure and
increasing heart rate . . . then, in the home stretch, labored,
loud, "percolator" breathing; eyes always open but not seeing;
mouth always open. Then, in the final moments, a radical change in
the breathing pattern, more time between breaths, some DEEP sighs,
till the Final Sigh.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I did many of the stages along the way, as the whole ordeal dragged
out so long. But what helps is allowing them all FULL expression.
When stifled they hang in there to haunt you.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Lots of different things for Dad. One was Jack, who'd "been here
twice" to see Dad, but whose "name isn't Jack yet." He also
mentioned seeing a tall, lanky guy walking around. He said at one
point, he saw Jesus, "just standing there." He felt he shouldn't
be rude and say anything, and that it was important to keep his
"place in line." But he was tired of waiting, and if he saw Him
again, you can be damned sure he was "going to speak up this time!"
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel good about it now, but only got there shortly before the end.
Prior to that I had a lot of anger at him, built up for decades.
I realized I had not forgiven him and could not at first. I worked
on that a lot, thru many avenues. I feel I have forgiven him. I can
think of the things now and not get upset. What helped me bridge
the gap there was thinking about his Life Review. Knowing that
he will feel what he caused others to feel, I sobbed FOR him,
and was able to release my anger and feel pity for him, even.
Then forgiveness was easy.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Years ago, I had a friend whose father came to see her the week
after his death. It frightened her, which made him go away.
My first memory in life may have been such a thing. I was 2,
sleeping at Grandma's, in the front bedroom. I woke up to see
at least 6 or 7 people standing around me, looking down at me.
They were all wearing hats. (This was in the 50's, when folks still
wore hats to dress up.) They were smiling, kindly. I was enjoying
their extended love when I realized they were ALMOST see-through.
Total fear and confusion. Poof, they were gone. Different,
but related, incident. Eight years ago I bought my house from an
elderly bachelorette who'd lived here her whole life, and moved
to a nursing home after selling the house. Several months later,
I walked into my bedroom one night and saw a white cloud/smoke
shape standing beside my bed. The shape resembled "dowager's hump."
I was exhausted that night, in no mood for anything. The usual
and most direct path to my bed meant walked THROUGH the fog shape.
I did. I then declared, impromptu: If you're Good, please stay; if
you're not, GO AWAY. Then went to sleep in peace. I figured it
was probably Clara, the bachelorette; that she'd died and returned
to see her house one last time. Months later, I saw a friend of
her family's and learned that Clara had died the very week of my
smoke/cloud encounter.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am at peace with death. My only concern would be organizing my
affairs and belongings so that burden was not left for family to
endlessly sift through and sort out.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Doesn't apply with Dad, as his death was impending for over a year,
and having it finally happen IS the closure I sought. But with
my beloved cat of 13 years, his death was unexpected and I had much
trouble coping. The only thing that helped at first was talking
about him, looking at pictures of him, celebrating his uniqueness
and being grateful for having known him. But I still couldn't
grieve. I had to tend to the details of burial. Then it felt stuck.
A GIANT knot/weight/ache in my chest that had no relief. I was in
a daze for days. Finally, it hit me. I had to send Rapper Noodle
off with music. I could hear the song, but didn't know the name.
I HAD to find it and play it. Turned out to be Rastaman Chant by
Bob Marley. "One fine morning, when my work is over, I will fly away
home." Powerful drum beat. As soon as the first strains started in,
my sobs came out. Once I cracked the dam, it was more than sobs.
I guess that's called wailing. It was a raw sound from deep within.
After quite a long time of that, I realized that the ache had
eased markedly. And the more I wailed, the more it eased. Then,
for full closure, I had to lovingly prepare a spot for my best
friend, Rapper. I picked a sun-dappled spot under the lilacs.
I chiseled broken limestone slabs into a border, and carved him a
headstone on a larger one: Rapper ~ the coolest cat there ever was.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Don't settle. Don't repress. Don't hold a grudge. Be fully present
to each moment. Savor the joy and the good. Simple pleasures
are best. Show and tell the people you love that you love them.
Drink lots of water.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Oh, yes. Many!
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
Rejoicing in his existence -- talking about him, looking at pics
of him, reminiscing his antics, etc.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
Tortured myself a bit with "what if's" and "shoulda, woulda,
coulda's."
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I reached out through research. Sharing with others what I'd
gathered for Dad, moving on to helping them track down, decipher,
evaluate their own illnesses, tests, meds, etc.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was thought-provoking and cathartic. Thanks.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
there was, actually, but will do that another time
Suggested Enhancements: www.melvinmorse.com/light.htm
www.spiritweb.org/Spirit/nde.html
http://www.near-death.com/
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Thu Sep 9 18:59:49 1999
F17 in clear lake, wisconsin =usa=
Name: rachel
Email: <sincerely_yers-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
i was looking for quesitionnaires
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Prof/Studies: highschool
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Talking to heaven
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
james praagh
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: euthenasia; Aged: unknown, but not old. about 5yrs.
--Details:
Got loose, foot in a trap, lost his toes. possible amputation, but
much stress, pain, and money to fix. We had to have him put down,
doctor recommended.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a graduation, based on life experience to a higher energy level.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
hid my feelings
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
No one else seemed to understand just how much it meant. How much
i lossed inside when he died.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
inevitable, an honor in many ca
