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See Current contributions.
See Feb 99 contributions.
See Jan 99 contributions.
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Tue Mar 30 20:50:23 1999
F19 in Bellefonte, PA =USA=
Email: <txr142-at-psu.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Journalism Major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cacner; Aged: around 68.
--Details:
It was a long illness. He lived 3 years longer than any prediction.
When he was really bad and in the hospital the family would gather
around and pray the rosary and sprinkle him with holy water.
He would always get better and come home. My entire family (aunts
and uncles) gathered around him for his birthday. I wasn't there. I
didn't want to go and see him suffer. He died the next day. I will
always regret not going to his party. I feel he stayed alive long
enough to see his loved ones and I wasn't there.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when someone leaves our sight but not our thoughts, memories,
or hearts. They are physically gone.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to understand
--That first time, how it happened was
My favorite great-uncle died, since I was so young I was told about
it but sheltered from it
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
(it was my dog) She was my best friend. I grieved for her more than
anyone else. I remember watching her die. I came home and couldn't
find her. I was immediately alarmed because I knew she was very
sick. I looked for her and couldn't find her then I saw a lump of
black her in the bathroom. There she was lying in a puddle of her
own urine spasming. I kept yelling her name and telling her it was
okay. I kept telling her to get up. My mom pulled me away and told
me to go to my room but I wouldn't go. My Pap came and was going
to take her outside and put her to rest but she passed on before
he could even pick her up.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
a natural thing. Children should not be sheltered from it. They
need to be taught about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death ends suffering. When my grandfather died there was little
sorrow. We were glad he went on to heaven. He suffered with cancer
for so long. It was his time.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family feeling the same way I did.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The initial shock and the missing link. Like one day, months after
the dog died, I went to the door and started to call her. It came
out of the blue.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't talk down to them. Be yourself. No matter how silly it may
seem small things mean a lot. At 14, sat down with my cousins and
colored pages from the coloring book to hang on the hosptial wall
for my grandfather. He asked for more.
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I had a near death experience. I was hospitalized with a staph
infection in my face causd by an infected tooth. I was in the
emergency room for a day and admitted for three days. I had a
new outlook on my life. I wanted to see my family and friends. Do
exciting things. I became a new person.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was at my uncle's funeral. I didn't know him very well at all. But
I saw my Nan (grandmother)crying - he was her daughter's husband -
and I just started crying. I wasn't crying for my uncle but for my
Nan. She was the one who always comforted me - bandaged my knees
and wiped away my tears. It was really confusing because I was
supposed to be crying for the dead not for the living.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is a great way to releave the tension. It is good to
remember the good times and laugh at them as a fond rememberance
of the person.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
go to my grandfather's birthday party the day before he died so I
could have said goodbye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
?
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
paying your respects to the body. The person you are mourning is
no longer in there so what is the point if you kneel beside the
body/casket. You can be anywhere to do it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear the armed services gun salute it makes me cry. My grandfather
had a 21 gun salute (he was a POW) and at the funeral it sparked
my tears. I was fine and then the gun shot set me off and I was
hysterical. Everytime I hear them I cover my ears and I remember
the first time I heard them.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Life would be taken for granted. It wouldn't be sacred or
special. Loss makes you appreciate the gift of life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
the age. So many people die before they have had the chance to
experience life.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried a lot. I collected things of that person's for memories sake.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
neutrality. They did there job. When I was illin the hospital I
didn't feel they were extremely friendly. If someone is on death's
door they need to given them a good sendoff. Be kinder, gentler.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
?
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything. My family witnessed a miracle. Because we prayed and
gathered togehter for the rosary and had our holy water and the
priest visit my grandfather lived three years longer than any doctor
figured. They were all amazed. I tell people it was the work of God.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
there is a heaven and a hell and no matter what denomination you
are we all have the same god, just in a different context.
--Regarding MONEY:
Things were tight for my grandmother at first, with all the
medical/funeral bills but then the pension and life insurance
allowed her to live without worry.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
so many people knew my grandfather, the Veteran's salute made me
proud because they laid him to rest in style, location - he was on
the hill of the cemetary overlooking the town he lived in, it was
a prime spot
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
some people either hid their grief or had none
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
they need of the dying to put things in order, to see their family,
to say goodbye, to mend broken fences
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I realized it was time. I followed him through the illness and saw
that this was for the best
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
?
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I already touched on this in a previous question
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
you must always take into account the dyings mental state. My
grandfather, delirious with cancer, tried to kill my gram. Another
time he told my mom to split his assets among all his family except
his wife and "his lazy son-in-law"
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am afraid to die for the very fact that my body which carried
me through life will be discarded. Buried or burned. That bothers
me. I know my spirit will be gone and I will not be in that body
but I can just see myslef still inside fighting to get my spirit
out and being trapped.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Put together a box of mementos from the person. I keep it separate
from my pictures and such of my family. It's like a big box devoted
to that person. Sometimes I take it out and look through it fondly.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I see the frailty of my nan and pap and try to visit with them
more. I keep things they gave me because I know I will want it as
a memento of them later. Examples: I have a granite rock that I
used to play with that was in my grandma's garden. I brought it
home and put it in my room. Someday I will put it in my yard.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
One of my best friends in high school had Hodgkin's Lymphoma (she
survived). Our group of friends became so close. We have this
incredible bond to this day because of it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
don't hide your pain
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Some of the questions were a tad confusing I thought it was a very
healing questionaire
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
it may seem silly but people get awfully attached to pets
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Tue Mar 30 18:35:41 1999
F39 in , Utah =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 15 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Heart Attack; Aged: 66 yrs,.
--Details:
How the death happens doesn't seem to matter. What matters is the
relationship I had with the person who dies.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had a very difficult time coping with it. The loss was terrifying
and there was no one to turn to to try to work through it all.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was an accidental drowning of my first
boyfriend.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
crying and crying and having no one to turn to. Taking flowers
to a grave where no one is there and feeling the loneliness.
Being told by my mom to just "get over it and move on with life"
but not really knowing how to do it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
kids need a little exposure death before someone who means a lot
to them is the one who dies..
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Time and myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
At the end of the funeral, when you get in your car to go home and
realize that the rest of the world is still going on around you.
People are still shopping, running red lights, and pushing strollers;
no one seems to know the person or the circumstances (even thought
most of us do) and its as if the person never was.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
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Tue Mar 30 08:10:26 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I searched for "On death and dying" on YAHOO
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Sorry, none
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 16 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: auto accident; Aged: 27 years.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My mother got murdered
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
Alcohol also was a great factor
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
Life without my mom forever.....
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Mon Mar 29 11:17:31 1999
F18 in Montreal, Quebec =Canada=
Name: Suzanne Vallée
Email: <suval-at-total.net>
Web: http://WWW.total.net/~suval/
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I was looking for surveys... and there you were!
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Prof/Studies: Student/Partially employed.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: brain tumor; Aged: 55.
--Details:
We didn't know he was sick until a month before he died. The tumor
never appeared in the scans. So we had to deal with his illness,
the surgery, and then the death-- all in one month.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the completion of a life span.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really care. It only hit me once someone I really cared
about died. Now, I am sensitive to any and all deaths.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my mom's great cousin-- whom I had met once or twice. I
was forced to go to the funeral because it was out of town and
I was so young. I ended up in the same room alone with the open
casket... which in a way, scarred me. During the funeral, I didn't
really think much about what was happening... more about how I was
going to get out of there.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how our family life changed so drastically. My brother moved out,
got engaged. Also, in the house things were different. The house
was once filled with 4 people and then it was two (my mom and I).
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
something that we should not joke about. We should learn to
be sensitive to those who are dealing with it and not feel
uncomfortable.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my family and I stopped fighting and got closer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mother and a cousellor that I went to see.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the lonliness and the fact that I couldn't do anything to change it.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am happy to be alive. Dying is not a fun process. I'm sure my
father misses us all.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
before we knew what was wrong with him. He said and did things
that were so unlike him.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend more time with him. Learn more about his past and what he
did as a kid. Tell him how I really felt for him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
start school right away. Had I not gone back, I wouldn't have been
as sane as I am now.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I smell things that smell like him. It rarely happens but when it
does, I lose it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Thinking about that is difficult. Because of the tumor, my father
hadn't been himself for about a year (although we didn't know it at
the time). So a lot of the time he was insensitive, irrational,
unreasonable, and unfair to me. And I when I think about if he
were still alive, I think how much more of each of those qualities
he would be. I rarely think about the positive stuff.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why did it have to be him? Why couldn't it have been my uncle?
Or my grandfather (who was still alive at the time). It didn't
make sense since my dad was so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Sleep all day... and not think about it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Felt better than when he was alive and suffering. I began to heal
as soon as I heard.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
comfort. The doctors were very good help.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Awful. I hate hospitals and it wasn't any better that time. I
became nervous, nautious. I didn't want to go there at all but I
was forced by my mother.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
almost nothing. Each of us dealt with it in a different way
religiously.
--Religious Affiliation:
None.
--Regarding MONEY:
It didn't matter. We were well prepared. It wasn't even an issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Everyone loved my dad. They knew about me and my brother and I had
NO idea who they were. It made me think about how much my dad must
have talked about us. I was happy those people were there to make
me come to that realisation.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how unsympathetic my friends were.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
We didn't really have any particular issues. We just fought like
any father and daughter did. I don't really have anything that I
wish to resolve.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I die soon, I won't be surprised. I don't want to die ever... but
I know I have to. I just want people to remember me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I don't really have any.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Everything has changed. You name it, it is differnt.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I've lost more friends then I've gained.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish my friends had come around more. They avoided me. I wish
they had come over, taken me to a movie or SOMETHING!
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Mon Mar 29 02:35:08 1999
F21
Name: Jessica
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: gunshot wounds; Aged: 21.
--Details:
He was in the wrong place at the wrong time, he was robbed in broad
day-light and shot twice.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
definitly the end of the existance of the physical body, possibly
the end of the spiritual body, or soul, as well.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
could'nt stop crying, could'nt think about anything else, and
wanted to talk about it for days.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a friend of mine was shot and killed
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How we were all dealing in our own ways, some quietly, some loudly,
and how not long after it happened it seemed as though nobody wanted
to talk about it anymore.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to be fearful of it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
making all of us aware of how lucky we are to be alive, and how we
should value each and every day.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
friends, friends, friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
trying to hold it together at work, around strangers, and especially
at the funeral.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hang out with him one more time, to say good-bye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
move on.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I did have that exact thought many times, it's not fair, he was
too young.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
just started sobbing, and felt like a relase had taken place.
--Religious Affiliation:
agnostic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
still exploring my horizions on this one
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How well his parents seemed to be dealing with it, hugging us all
and thanking us for coming.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing him in the casket and thinking he was just being silly like
usual, and thinking he was going to sit up any minute and say it
was all a joke.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I did actually have dream where he came to me and said thank you
for grieving for me, thank you for caring, and he said good-bye,
and I have not dreamed of him since.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
We all are destined to die, so why deny the feelings it might bring
up? I am not frightened of death, I am not necesarily happy about
it, but I don't dwell on it eiather
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
After I had the dream of him, I felt so much better, almost all
of my sadness turned to happiness that he was alright, and that it
was going to be okay.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Sometimes I say his name aloud, I say hello, just in case he's
hovering around somewhere out there
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
It made a few of my friendships so much stronger, because we went
through it together.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
The fact that he was so young, too young to die
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Sun Mar 28 21:08:48 1999
M34 in Christchurch, =New Zealand=
Name: Martin
Email: <martyg-at-es.co.nz>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student/Engineer/Councellor.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
How we die
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Dr Sherwin B. Nuland
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 15 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: accident; Aged: 18.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Part of a life cycle. Like a leaf on a tree. Change in energy form.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Repressed the grieving process completely for one year. Then in a
vulnerable moment in caught up to me.
--That first time, how it happened was
Best friend in an auto accident. Night before his 19th birthday.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How guilty I felt to still be alive. I wanted to swap places.
--What I think my (New Zealand) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Its a natural a part of life as birth. Not to be feared.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Made me [eventually] take some care of myself.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Friends and family suffering the same grief, and mutual support as
a result.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That I would die at any time in the future, life is fragile.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
The time for secrets and lies is past.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Accepted with time.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Dealing with my friends family years after. Guilt at having a
life still.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didnt
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
View his body.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we had a wake in the form of a party.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Pompous depressing nature of the people in the 'death business'.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I vist the grave.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
cant [dont] even imagine it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why him, not me?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
still took many years to accept it. [if indeed I have yet!]
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Med people are very limited and we must each help ourselves.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
na
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
na
--Religious Affiliation:
Taoist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
real. Energy connects all people.
--Regarding MONEY:
na
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It is still designed to instill fear and unhappiness in people.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
na
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
na
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I should have began it at the time.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
na
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
na
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
He came to me in a dream at the time he was dying. He said I will
see you on the night shift, and then left. I woke as the phone rang
telling me of the accident.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
money. Dont leave others to pay for your end. Plan a end of life
celebration.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I will not go gentle...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Take the body home if possible. I also worked in a funeral home
which gave me a more relaxed attitude to death.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I encourage people to talk about death openly.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No, I switched off from anyone who could remind me of it. I hope
to renew them again, soon.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
Repressing emotions
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
avoided all. Sorry I did not reach out to his family.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
sobering.
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Sun Mar 28 09:44:09 1999
F32 in jonesboro, IL =USA=
Name: Sheri Wright
Email: <rodstow-at-midwest.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: social work major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my uncle and his girlfriend fell asleep in
a running car parked in the garage and died of carbon monoxide
poisoning.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Sat Mar 27 19:54:42 1999
M14 in gloucester, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Guy Romain
Email: <crazyolemoon-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: abusing alcohol; Aged: 60-65.
--Details:
everything just collapsed internally.
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--Death Is:
extracting your soul from your body so it can continue its journey
through time, wether that might be heaven or a different time
or place.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried, grieved, suffered, became aware of everything else in my
life that was still going on wether i liked it or not, started anew.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... she was my great-aunt who babysat me for
several years.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how much this person was adored by so many people
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's a good thing
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a deeper understanding with my own beliefs
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
getting the phine call and knowing that you are never going to hear
thier (the person who died) voice again.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell them i loved them one more time and hear an " i love you too"
one more time.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i look at pictures of the good times
--Religious Affiliation:
past: Catholic present: still trying hard to find the right one
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
OK, say you want to get to New York. You live in LA. You ca
either take a plane right to New York, or you could drive your car,
you could take a train, etc. What I'm getting at is, it doesn't
matter which way you go, you'll still get there.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the family that i've never had the pleasure to meet before, and
how we only get to meet these people when sad times arrive.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
many of the dead relatives were present
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i want lots of tears and lots of flowers!!!
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i would like to send my deepest thank-yous to you, it was a great
release on getting things that i think down somewhere.
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Sat Mar 27 16:00:33 1999
F27 in Vista, CA =USA=
Name: Helen
Email: <hanlons-at-home.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Under Yahoo's entertainment link
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 11 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: arteriosclerosis (from medicine she was taking over 4 years time);
Aged: 49.
--Details:
She was healthy even though she had lupus. It was very mild
and the doctors said she did not have the kind that kills people.
However, at the time, the medical field did not know that the drugs
she was taking for the lupus side-affects would end up killing her.
Her death was a shock to all, even the doctors who treated her.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
not caring, eternal lonliness, a very strong emptiness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know how to go on, especially since it was my mother and I
was still fairly young.
--That first time, how it happened was
My mother died when I was 17. She died of arterioscerlosis (sp)
from the medicine she was taking for her systemic lupus.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
State of confusion. It seemed that no one cared anymore, but it
did bring my sister and I closer together.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is very personal. My sister and I beleive my mother is with
us in our memories, not at the cemetary. We have only visited once
since that day in 1988. My family looks at this as not caring about
her anymore. They bring flowers and such, and try to get us to do
the same. It doesn't feel right to us though.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I don't know, I think it turned me into a paranoid person. I am
waiting for another tragedy, I know it will happen and I want to
be prepared this time.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My sister. Having time alone.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Going on with life. Showing the world that I am ok, when really
I was not.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Grew very close to family, especially my sister. And now that I
am married and have a child of my own, I know that life is precious
and can be lost so easily.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
People tried to comfort me by saying she was with God now. I think
this made me more angry. There is no answer as to why people die,
and I wish people would just say that rather than her time came
and God needed her up in heaven. Thats crap to me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that made me feel normal, in a very abnormal situation for me.
At the funeral I imagined my mother getting up and dancing and
everyone is happy and goes home.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I had called into my parents room when I returned at midnight
from a beach party. Instead, I did not want to wake them, and didnt
want them to know I came home so late. She was probably suffering
and maybe the extra time could have helped in saving her life.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I am glad that it has been 11 years. Time does heal. She is always
in my thoughts, but I use it as a strength. Instead of praying to
God, I pray to her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
We first viewed the body a day before the funeral. They allow the
immediate family time alone to view her. I almost forgot about her
brothers and sisters who flew in for the funeral. That 30 minutes
I forgot about everyone else except the four of us.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
FUneral arrangements. My mother always said she didnt want us
to spend money on a funeral, and that she wanted to be cremated.
That was her belief, but her family and our religion did not follow
that belief. So instead we spent alot of money on the funeral and
she was buried in a casket. At first I was livid at the thought of
people going against her final wish. Then I got over it. It didnt
matter anymore. SHe was gone and it was just a body left behind.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I try to think that if her death didn't come, life might have been
better or it might have been worse. What if her 26 year marriage
to my father ended in divorce, or what if it was my father who died.
I will only drive myself insane thinking about what ifs. Its better
for me to think of how to deal with what has happened and to go on.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I still have those thoughts. Death is not fair, and life is
not fair. Its a hard lesson, but it is quickly learned in order
to survive.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Take a drug to make me forget.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Wanted to die myself. I envied (and still do envy) other girls
my age with mothers. I grew up and got married and had a child
without my mother. It makes my cry when I think of how she was
such a great mom. I feel sad that my husband and son will never
have that relationship with her.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
confusion. Why didn't doctors do tests on her arteries during the
four years they gave her medications? But they are only human,
and at least they know now and can prevent further deaths from this.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing, The experience actually turned my against the religion
I was brought up with. I am agnostic now.
--Religious Affiliation:
Greek Orthodox
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
natural.
--Regarding MONEY:
money was not an issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was a terrible experience. My dad lost it and took out his camera
to take pictures of my mother in the casket. Unfortunely, others
were there to witness our family's breakdown. I didn't like it,
I needed more solitude. I felt like I was in a fishbowl. I could
cry, that was expected of me, but I couldn't cry in front of others.
Even friends. I felt like a big bubble ready to burst. All the
hugs I got were nothing to me, it felt like a show. I am a private
person, and I needed time alone with my father and sister to mourn.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Having a dead person shown around like its really her. Its just a
body, it doesn't even look like the person anymore. Its actually
very sick. I didn't want to touch it, but then I felt guilty
(and also a little intrigued). It made me want her back even more.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I need time alone.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I beleive her spirit followed me after she died. At the time I did
not know she was dead, actually the hospital said she just needed
some rest and she would be okay. But I broke down in my car and
cried so hard. It felt great to have that release. Then when I
got home I found out she had died earlier. I think her presence
touched something unconscious in me and I cried for her.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
No, but I believe it happens. People who go through this share
their experiences, and it gives me hope that dying will be a great
experience.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I always ask my mother for help and guidance. This interaction
makes me a stronger person.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Yes! My mother appeared in many dreams, in fact she still does with
the same frequency too. I don't know what to make of them since she
"feels" different to me. Almost like a stranger. Sometimes its
a very cold feeling.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Let your wishes be known to family and friends. If something
happens to me where I am living off of a machine, my family knows
I would like to have the plug pulled. To us, that is not life.
Death is very personal. I hope the laws do not intervene in cases
like this. That only makes it harder for the family. They are
the ones suffering.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not afraid of dying. I am going to be the best guardian angel
to my son, husband, sister and father!!
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I look at pictures. Also, I love to hear stories about her life
before she died (stories I havent heard before).
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes, my husband's father died in an accident when he was 6 years
old. He was also very angry and felt abandoned. We can relate
to eachother very well. Sometimes I get so overwelmed with grief,
I start to cry. It doesn't matter what triggers the outburst, It
always ends with sadness over my mother's death. He understands this
and is always at my side holding me and telling me things are ok.
He also goes over memories with me, that makes me feel good to talk
about her with him.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
I am very close with my sister, and we lived through this event
together.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
The next school year I was very lonely, and that lasted until I
started dating my husband 6 years later.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
The questions are helpful because they go deeper than normal "how do
you feel" questions. It sounds like they were designed by someone
who understands what feelings occur during the death of a loved one.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Ask people if they ever feel jealous of other people. I felt extreme
jealousy after my mother died, and still do but not as frequently.
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Fri Mar 26 20:20:07 1999
F14 in Brisbane, QLD =Australia=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 3-4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 13-14.
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--Death Is:
whne your body shuts down completely, and you can never be a part
of that same body or lifetime ever again
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my cat died. Actually two of them have.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my guilt
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
we got two new kittens, which seem as if they have our old cats
spirits within them somewhere at times.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
i missed them
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't worry, the angels will look after you for me, and i'll be up
there one day soon too, to keep you company.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
no one could do any more to help my cat
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i would never laugh.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i walk past her grave
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did all they could.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
i thought i felt the lump in her tummy, but no one cared. she died
from cancer in her stomach.
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Fri Mar 26 09:41:22 1999
F52 in Denver, CO =USA=
Email: <mjpilgrim-at-earthlink.net>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Death and Dying (can't remember the author) The Urantia Book
(most important!)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 56.
--Details:
It was after a prolonged fight with lung cancer. She had had a lung
removed sugically, but the cancer took four years to come back and
kill her.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the door through which we escape the mortal life in the flesh. It
is the door through which we pass into our "real" life of the spirit.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was raised by an aunt and an uncle. My
Uncle's mother died when I was young. He was not a blood relative
to me, and I felt also that she did not like me, so I was relatively
unaffected by her death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how peaceful it was at the end, but how hard it was to get to that
point of actually dying.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is not a sign of failure and death is not a reason for
fear. Death is a normal part of life and is inevitable and good.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that the pain stopped...her pain, and the pain of those of us who
lived with her pain for so long. The suffering stopped.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the knowledge that my friend is in a better place, with all the
others who have gone before her and that she is waiting there for
me when I arrive. I have faith that God is good and that death is
benign, and but a temporary separation.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss of that person's company and material presence here. I am
lonely for her sometimes - we were best friends. But the illness
had effectively taken her away as it was - her death was welcome
for me, as it ended her suffering.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell them that it is okay to go, that it is what you wish for them,
that you will be okay until you meet again. Tell them you love them
and are happy that they can let go, and go home now.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned patience and forgiveness. How I learned what a privelege
it is to minister to the dying. How important it is to accept the
process of dying as a rich and rewarding one, full of opportunity
for spiritual growth and progress
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when I just could not imagine that my friend would not pull out of
the crisis, as she had done many times before. The fact that she died
was somewhat surprising to me. It just seemed she never would die.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
This was not my experience...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be a better friend - she was lost in alcoholism for much of the
last few years of her life and that was frustrating and hard to
deal with. I had to back off many times, and I regret not being
able to be a better help to her out of that dilemma. But it was
her way of dealing with her situation - she wanted just not to be,
and the booze really helped with that. But it made communication
and realness very hard.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
actually be present with her at the moment when she left the
planet. It was a rich blessing and very therapeutic.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my friend began reminiscing about the first beginnings of our
friendship - she began saying goodbye, weeks before she actually
died.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the disposal of her material body.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I imagine my own day of death, when I have to say goodbye to my
loved ones, and see them be sad.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We would be able to let go of hurt and emotional pain much more
easily - I believe that this can make us sick. We would never stuff
our feelings into ourselves and make ourselves sick. We would live
love and give love much more freely, and overlook the failings of
others much more quickly. We would let God direct our lives much
more wholeheartedly.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that this woman had to suffer SO much!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
leave this planet myself, But I will stay until the end, until God
calls me home.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was grateful. She suffered terribly. This still can make me feel
guilty, as I am glad she is gone, but it was just very hard...I
rethink the years of my caretaking of her, and it was just so hard...
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
ineptitude. They are very skilled with knives and drugs, but are
hopeless when it comes to basic humanity - this is a generality,
and does not address individuals who were helpful. But they were few
and far between. Once she was maimed and cleared of her original
cancer, she died a slow and horrible death at their hands, as it
was a foregone conclusion that this was a lethal cancer. I wonder
sometimes how it would have been to just let the cancer have its
way with her at the first? Could it have been any worse than it
was??? I doubt it...
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
we did not get to hospice. It was on the agenda, but she died before
we could get it in place.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. We had the Urantia Book and both of us lived the philosophy
of personal experience with God - personal salvation through faith -
personal assurance that we were in a frindly universe, administered
by a loving Creator. We know where we came from and what our destiny
is beyond this earthly life.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was raised Catholic - 12 years+ of Catholic education and way of
life, until my 20s.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
We are all part of God, He indwells each of us in a very real
way. In this life, we co-create a new being with God (the Christian
experience of being born-again exemplifies this) which survives
the death of the physical body. This can also be thought of as the
soul. It is composed of all the goodness that we have created in this
life - moral, selfless decisions - the search for truth goodness
and beauty in the midst of the contrast of evil. Choosing God,
choosing good. All of this is ETERNAl in nature and will survive
eternally. I imagine waking up in the next world as a pure little
child, filled with goodness, but needing to learn a LOT more.
--Regarding MONEY:
It did not really play a part. I received no money at all, nor did
I expect any. She has two children who received her estate. But I
did receive my friend's car!
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was less of a funeral than it was a memorial service and it was
quite joyful and peaceful. Many friends and acquaintences. I was
priveleged to be the arranger and moderator of it, and I am proud
of how it turned out. It was my final service to my friend. I think
my friend would have loved it!!!
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The actual last breaths - how it seems that we struggle for that
one last breath of life...life really is precious, but so much more
than we know here.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the person "saying goodbye." A lack of desire to eat or drink,
a general difficulty in actual living.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it has been important to visualize my friend as being happy -
enjoying her new freedom from this life, and forgetting all the
years of suffering and grief. God has seen fit to fill my life with
new experiences since this death, and I have little time to be sad.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she experienced that right after her operation four years
previously. She was critical for many weeks. She said that she was
surrounded by angels who kept flapping their wings in her face. They
told her she would have to go back to earth for awhile. It turned
out to be four years more...
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The biggest problem we had was with the alcohol, and all that
it represented. I supose that I could do some work on that, but
I just choose to stay away from all that. I have dealt with that
problem in other areas of my life, and it is just an area I choose
to side-step completely.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd tell her how happy I am for her, and how I forgive her completely
for any hardness between us, and how I ask her to forgive me as
well. We did the best we could, and we stuck together, in spite of
the hardship. We wanted to show God's love in a new way, and I am
so grateful that we had that opportunity with each other.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My friend came to me in a dream, only recently. It was a sad dream,
as she was trying to hide from me, in a dark basement, filled
with curtains. I think it was a sad dream. She had been lost in
alcoholism for a long time, and that was hard for me to deal with,
and we had some hard times because of my inability to help her
through it. Also, in the last months of her life, she had been in
a dark hospital room, taking radiation tratments. It was a dark,
cheerless room, and I think that was evident in the dream. And she
really did try to hide from me, emotionally.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think it is important to let the dying person go - not to try and
prolong their life by extraordinary means. I fear that happening to
me. It happened to my friend. If it had not been for her Health-care
aid, she would have died in her home. As it was, she was revived
in an ambulance and had to die in the hospital. In some ways I am
grateful, for it meant I got to be with her at her final breath,
but I think it was unnecessarily harsh for her.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I look forward to it, in a way. I know where I am going and what lies
ahead. I have a strong faith abou all that, and little fear. I just
feel afraid that it might hurt, physically, and that is my greatest
fear. I pray to God for a quick death - stroke or heart atack or
other quick but effective means. I trust God completely on this.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I just thank God for His goodness, and keep seeing my friend with
her ballet shoes on, dancing with the angels in fields of grass. I
give her completely to God and trust that he is caring for her.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I think more about my own death, and it seems more and more
attractive to me, the older I get. This earth is in terrible shape
right now, and it is a hardship to even be here sometimes.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I remain friends with my friend's grown children.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
the medical stuff - tubes and needles and the machinery of prolonging
life - so intrusive and depressing.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have been ministering to the sick and dying for quite awhile. I
do Reiki therapy and have been doing that for sick folks for many
years. If I could wish any help for me, it would have been that
more of her friends would have tried to fellowship her in her dark
days. She needed more help than I could give much of the time. She
was not the same person with whom I developed a freindship so many
years ago. The illness took much of that out of her, and it pushed
many people away. This was hard to deal with.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was good. Thank you.
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Thu Mar 25 11:11:04 1999
F37 in Oregon ==
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 week ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer-Bone, Liver, Prostrate; Aged: 62.
--Details:
It all happened so fast. Prostrate cancer was diagnosed in October.
We were told dad had 2-5years, maybe more maybe less. The news was
aweful but then I started justifying that dad could live 5-10 years
maybe and that was good. So, I'd find something to be hopeful about.
Then, dad started hormone injections and I did tons of research on
Prostate Cancer and continually asked his Dr. questions. This helped
me..to be informed. Dad's pain just got worse and he'd complain of
being stiff and some days not able to get out of bed. It was hard to
quantify his pain. He just seemed to get a little worse each day.
I didn't understand because I still believed we had so much time
left and dad should be OK. In March, dad complained of horrible
pain and mom rushed him to the hospital for emergency surgery.
The pain relievers dad was taking(a form of ibuprofin) had created
a perforated ulcer. When they went in, they found liver and bone
cancer but could not say for certain he ever had prostate cancer.
His entire renal system shut down and from there, he just got worse.
We brough him home and he died within two weeks.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
I can't speak for all people but for me, death is very frightening.
I reach out all the time to try to understand how to feel about
death. Since I watched my father die, I'm more confused than ever.
I want so much to believe that dad moved on and he's out there,
somewhere, at a better place or watching over us. When he died,
I guess I expected something mystical to happen that would let
me know there was more. Nothing did. Since his death less than
2 weeks ago, I've just felt empty and lost. I can't reach him or
feel him. I know this all sounds strange. I just want so much to
have a feeling that there is more to death than just nothing.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was scared. It felt strange but almost like disbelief. Since the
death didn't affect me directly, it was just kind of scary.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My dads breathing when the time got close and his last breath.
When he took his last breath, he tried to open his eyes. When it
was over, a single tear ran down his right cheek and wiped it away.
This was so significant in that I have never seen my dad cry. When
I visted him in the hospital one night after his surgery, I layed
on his bed and held his hand. It felt good to be next to my dad.
I though he was sleeping. My eyes were closed and I was thinking
about losing my dad. A single tear came to my eye and I felt dads
finger wipe it away. I thought he was sleeping but he was watching
over me. Also, after dad died, I hugged him and put my head on
his chest. It was the worst thing not to hear a heartbeat.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
You can never really understand what it's like or how you are going
to feel to lose someone until it happens to you. Whatever anyone
tells you about how bad it is...it's still much worse, especially
if you truely loved that person.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I have no unfinished words or things to be resolved with my dad.
We told each other we loved each other every day since he was
diagnosed. Other than that, right now I can see too much else good
that came of this. It's too soon to find that special gift.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My dad. He was so brave and died with dignity. I need to get
through things on my own but my co-workers have been so supportive
and have left awesome messages etc. Also, seeing how much the
loss of my dad still matters to some friends he hadn't seen in
ages. It's difficult to get support from the family because they
are suffering the same loss. In a way, we've helped each other
tremendously but have also experienced melt downs.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that dad won't be at those milestone in my life. Dads are
not suppose to die. Not being able to call him. I know these
things are all about me and not really dad but I also know that
those things were important for dad too. I miss him so much already.
I can't see how this will ever get better. How to feel good again.
It will never be the same.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Be strong but don't deny what is happening. You will find strength
that you didn't know you had. Somehow you dig inside and know
what the right things for yourself and the other person would be
and you go with it.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
tried very hard to find out as much as I could about my fathers
diseas and this helped me cope. What I was most affraid of was
not know what to expect. I guess that's why I'm affraid of what
death really is. Researching cures or pain control helped me to
feel like I was doing something to help my dad.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Understanding why this happened to my dad. Nothing added up.
Why dad.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I remeber the first time about 5 days after dad died breaking out
into a full roring laugh with my mom and brother. It was so good
to laugh. We were laughing at a really bad morbid joke but it
was so funny and new dad would have said it if he'd been around.
My dad seemed to keep his humor at the strangest times when we
all thought he wasn't even coherent. It was cute.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I have no regrets with my dad. I'm so fortunate to have had
such a caring dad(and mom). They were both very young when they
had children so they basically grew up with us. It was fun and I
wouldn't change a thing about our family. My only regrets are the
things we did not do or will not be able do in the future. If there
is one thing I can ever pass on to my own children someday is to
live your life(which my dad did extremely well). Do everything.
And know, the people that speak badly about you are the ones that
will have regrets for not living their lives and being happy.
Be nice to people and take care of yourself.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I don't feel this way. I feel cheated out of time with my dad.
I feel angry that he got this horrible disease. He was a runner
and non smoker and there was no cancer in our family. Things went
down hill fast and we(family) could do much to help. I'm thankful
I was able to be strong and contact people I know my dad would like
to see or speak with. He was so happy some of these old friendships
never really went away and that people did still care.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Just the single tear my dad had at the moment of death. I want to
believe that tear was for us.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Having a big funeral or even having one at all. We passed on
having a funeral because dad was able to see everyone that matter
before he died. In a way, he had a living memorial which leaves us
with good memories. To continue the process and have something sad
follow would have hurt too much and we didn't really see the need.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm alone. When I go shopping and see someone that's obviously
older than my dad...and ask why???? When I see something I want to
share with my dad or know my dad would like. Just about everything
get's me down right now.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My life would not change except I would be much happier knowing
my dad was alive.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Is dad just dead and that's it. Why can't I feel his presence.
Why didn't something magical happen at the moment of death??? This
whole death thing has really made me re-evaluate my beliefs ets.
WHY, WHY, WHY!!!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Have the days back we were promised. That dad would never have
gotten sick.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I really can't speak to this because I'm not sure it's completely
hit me yet. I understand he's died but it is still very unreal
to me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
As capable as doctors are, there comes a point that all that
knowledge will not do any more good. Doctors can only do so much.
The human body will zig when the doctors zag. They can try to
help but nothing is ever predictable and if you body wants to die,
it will.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Bad experience. They were nowhere near as helpful or comforting as I
had heard so much about. The only thing they really helped with was
setting up the transition from the hospital to home. After that,
we rarely heard or saw from them. Also, after the death. They
called 4-5 times to ask questions we had already given them the
answers to. We did not want to deal with these problems...that's
why we had arranged everything in advance.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
It is important to my mom. I personally feel more spiritual when
I'm out running, in tune with my body and nature.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I want to feel that spirit but for some reason..can't reach it
right now. It just feels so empty to me.
--Regarding MONEY:
We just take it day by day and figure things out. No major
issues...just dealing with all the financial responsiblities dad
enjoyed handeling.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Opted not to have a funeral. Dad had a living funeral which gave
us good not bad memories.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Actually being there, holding my dad's hand when he died. I'll never
know how I was able to do that. When it was over, yet expected,
it just felt like he was gone. I remeber walking around the room,
surrounded by all the things my dad loved..looking for some sort of
connection to my dad. I havn't found it yet. I did realize that
although dad loved these things, they just became things again.
Without dad there to enjoy them, they lost meaning.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The breathing at the end. It's the absolute worst and can last
a couple of days.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I can't...I'm right in the middle of it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I'm still looking. At the moment of death, we all heard a very
sweet bell sound(I think from the laundry room). My brother or
mom said...I think dad got his wings. It was a nice thought.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My dad had a serious car accident prior to getting sick or knowing
he had cancer. He should have died but walked away with a broken
nose and some bumps and bruises. My dad has always been affraid to
die but after this accident, he told my mom he was no longer affraid.
It was peaceful. Somehow I think this needed to happen for my dad to
face the cancer he would soon learn about. I sometimes wonder
why...if god is taking care of us, did he not take my father then.
Why did he have him live on for such a short time to face this ugly,
ugly disease?????
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have none and I'm so thankful. I just miss my dad.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd just want my dad to know how much he lives on through me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Not yet. I'm hoping. One night a few days after dad's death, I was
sleeping in my mom's room and thought I heard her talking to dad.
I couldn't hear my dad but he was giving her instructions on how to
take care of things. I could hear my mom distinclty replying. "Ok,
honey"..."How do I do that" etc. I thought I was awake. I leand
over my mom to hear more clearly and she was sound asleep, snoring.
I thought I was awake when I heard her talking...it was strange.
But, I never heard my dad speak.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My dad did not want to be hooked up to any machines. This is
not always a black and white request. When dad's renal system
quit functioning, one option was to put him on dialysis to help
his kidneys function hoping they were start on their own. We did
this but it was a difficult decsions. As dads blood got cleaner,
he was more aware of his surroundings and did not want to do further
dialysis. I begged him. The doctors thought that if his kidneys
would start to function again, he could go back to a quality of life.
In the end, he did dialysis twice and refused further treatment.
He was able to make that descion which was so painful for us.
Selfishly, we wanted him back which was very real. I just hope
he understood everything...I think he did.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm scared. I don't want it to be nothing.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I just have to say that so many people have said to me... "you
still have the memories" but, to me, memories are a very poor
substitute right now. I'm having problems coping.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Not that far along yet.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Not yet. I just appreciate so much the people I work with who have,
in a way, lived through this with me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just let those people know you are there to talk or help. Be a
friend and know their grief is harder than anything you could
imagine.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was good to vent.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Ask the question...What do you think happens to you when you die??
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Thu Mar 25 09:43:12 1999
M in , New Jersey ==
Email: <1zzz-at-delanet.com>
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a great adventure on the way home
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
thought they appeared to still be breathing
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...grandfather died and veiwed body - thought
he was still breathing - was from doorway of room about 10 feet
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
loss of mother and friend
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is a mere change in energy form - the person dieing goes to
a better place to learn - there is only hell if we wish there to be
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my inner self and understanding that God is loving and death is a
step in returning to that which is God
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I would not experience the presents of my mother as
my mother any longer
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
do for them when they are alive - love them when they are here -
let them go when they die
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the funeral - it is for the living for the dead do not care
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
the after life is much better than this illusion so I am happy
that they are there - of course they could be back in this illusion
again if so good luck to them in their new life
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
one may create whatever one wishes to create now or whenever
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
ascend and return to teach as a Master
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
dogma - attempt to control what can only be found within - middle
man is not needed to find that which is within each of us
--Religious Affiliation:
seeker of truth - searcher for GOD
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
OF TRUTH
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
people were there because they thought they should be - just a
ritual that was not needed
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when family couldn't wait to go through processions - hording of
food to take home
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none that I know of - just the person being welcomed back home
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
been through the tunnel and saw the light but was LSD not death
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
what is done is done can't change it so life continues
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
heard voice call my name in a dream
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
it is my next great adventure
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Wed Mar 24 18:50:59 1999
F28 in Denver, Colorado =USA=
Name: Maureen
Email: <maureenlong-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Anything written by:
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Joseph Campbell
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 38.
--Details:
It was sudden, total, and there was no chance to say goodbye.
We were not able to gather at the bedside and hear a doctor say
that things don't look good... we were awakened at 2 AM by a police
officer, followed by a phone call from the coroner. This is both
good and bad- he did not suffer through an illness or horrible wounds
so we were thankful for that, but it was bad because our family
had no warning. We didn't know that we would never see him again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end. We are only "alive" after death as long as we are
remembered.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried a lot. Thought about how if they could die so could I.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My father was killed in a car accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The way our family and friends gathered together. I remember
how everyone cried together and brought food, and told stories.
They even laughed and talked with people they had not seen in a
long time. It was like a very sad, tragic family reunion.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To not assume that everyone believes in heaven and/or hell. I am
not a religious person at all, and telling me it was god's will or
that a dedeased person is in a better place is not comforting to me.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
there was a lot of family support for that first 6 months. That
was a big help.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
taking the time to grieve after his death. I took a leave of absense
for a month and a half and just took care of our small farm, helped
my mom, and just did not push myself too hard. I needed that very
much. When I went back to work it was still very hard, and I was
far from done grieving but I was truly ready to enter my life again.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Trying to help my mother. I did not know how, no one did. It was
like she was in self-destruct mode and nothing anyone said or did
got through to her. That was what she needed to do to get through
it, but it was hell to see.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I don't know. I would say that I would want to say goodbye, but
that would mean he would have to know he was going to die. I am
glad he didn't know. He was too young, it is better that he did
not know it was all going to be taken away.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The funeral. My Dad did not want a funeral, he always said he
only wanted graveside rites, outdoors, no fuss, just a nice sermon
outdoors. Well this did not go over well with any of the family
members. We quickly arranged to have both. The ritual of the
funeral was very important to them, they needed that to honor him.
I learned that funerals are not for the dead, they are for the
living, to help them heal.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about the fact that he has missed so much. My children
are so wonderful and he would have been so proud.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My father was the breadwinner, and if he had not died I know
our family would be in a totally different place . I can not even
imagine it. Also, my kids would have one granddad instead of none,
my brother would have had a fther... too many things to name.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he died young.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
knew that it had happened, but still could not really accept it.
I could not help but listen for the sound of his car on the gravel of
our driveway. I could not truly accept his death for a long time.
How could he be dead? His blue jeans and shirt he wore yesterday
when we watered the trees and fixed the fence are still in the
hamper? Dead??? It can't be. I felt that way for about 6 months
even though I did "know" he was dead. I saw the body.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing except a help for my family.
--Religious Affiliation:
Atheist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that death is the end. I have never seen any reason to believe
that we continue in any form after we die. The only imortality
I can hope for is that my children grow up to be happy adults and
good people. If they are in turn good people and good parents I
will have achieved imortality because I have continued life and
will have taught my children values which they will undoubtably
pass on to their own offspring. That is my most precious hope.
--Regarding MONEY:
my mother remarried within 4 months of my fathers death to a
strange man who took advantage of her grief and lost every penny she
got in life insurance. She is still struggling ten years later,
after 2 divorces, and my brother will probably not go to college.
His death and her grief were financial destroyers.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that the funeral was for them. They really needed it to honor Dad,
and to show their respect. They needed the songs and the prayer,
and to see him. It was all for *them* to help them heal. It was
very important and powerful. I don't know if most people understand
that, that the funeral isn't for the person who dies at all, it is
for those who must let go to go on.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when I saw him at the viewing I expected him to move, sit up,
and laugh and say "ha ha, I fooled you!!" He didn't look dead.
He looked tan, and healthy, and so darn young.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Actually if my family or myself has any issues it is over the things
that happened after his death. Thank goodness I do feel that my
Dad and I were at peace with one another and had a good friendship
when he died.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had many powerful dreams that Dad was watching and that he was
devastated at what my mom was going through and the things she was
doing. He was always watching, crying, and trying to help.... I
felt that he was there, that it was true. I am not sure if that
gives any kind of proof though, especially since I do not believe
in the afterlife. Perhaps it was a coping reaction, or perhaps he
was really there.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
As far as a death process, if I had an illness, I would want to
make sure that they did not keep me alive beyond my ability to have
quality of life. I would want them to know that I am a donor.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would like to know if my death was coming up. I would want to
handle my affairs as best I could, and spend a lot of time with
my family. I would also want my family to know how grateful I was
to have had them in my life.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
The only ritual I do is to pay my life insurance premiums. It is
a warding-off type of thing for me... I hope my family never ever
has to go through financial hardship because I die. I also plan
to pay for a plot and/or funeral things toward that end.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
Talking, telling stories, listening to sotries, crying.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
My mother was very young when she married my father (15) and she went
insane for almost 3 years after his death. She made many horrible
decisions, drank, was self destructive, and it was horrible and
frightening to watch. She had panic attacks if left alone... it
was hard for all of us t6o deal not only with our loss but with
her loss, too.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I am looking forward to seeing how others may have answered these
same questions. They were very good questions!
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Wed Mar 24 18:28:52 1999
F21 in Louisville, Ky =United States=
Email: <99fish-at-bellsouth.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: vehicular manslaughter; Aged: 18.
--Details:
My best friend died with his mother. They were passing through an
intersection at a green light. Their car was hit by a car who was
being chased by another car over a bad drug deal.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A dark figure who comes to take your life away. Sometimes a
bad thing and sometimes good. Depending on the circumstances of
the death. I don't think people should have to suffer. However,
I also don't feel that people should have to die so young.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was scared and not really sure of what happened. I just knew that
she was gone and I wouldn't be seeing her again.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My stepgrandmother died of lung cancer when
I was about 8 years old. I was sleeping in the basement below her
when she died. That fact haunted me for awhile.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
having to hold so much inside. The pain of losing them was so
overwhelming it was really hard to let it go. I didn't want to
lose it in front of everyone. I had to be strong for my boyfriend
and friends. I remember not eating or sleeping for days but somehow
still managing to get through. My mom forced me to eat finally.
She helped me a lot.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death is not something to hide. To be ashamed of, afraid of,
or ignored. No one talks about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My cousin died quickly. The doctors said he wasn't in pain.
I'm grateful for that. My stepgrandmother and stepgrandfather deaths
ended the long suffering caused by their illness. Thinking that
they were no longer in pain made their deaths seem like a gift.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Just having friends that were willing to listen to the stories,
memories I had, and just my overall feelings about everything.
Without people to talk to who would actually let me talk about the
life of the person really helped.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Realizing and coming to terms with the fact that I had to go on
living without having that person as a part of my life anymore.
No more smiles, no more hugs, holidays without them, and the
conversations.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
finally managed to get through it. One day I was just able to
think about him without feeling sad. I felt good about him again.
I managed to stop feeling guilty if I went through one whole day
without thinking of him. Even when I was reminded the thoughts
were good.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
After I found out about the accident and up until the burial.
I think this is the stage where there is the most denial. I kept
expecting him to get up or walk into the room. When the casket is
placed in the ground it solidifies the death.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
The only time I remember laughing was when we were reminiscing
about past events, goofy things that he had done. I'm glad I was
able to laugh a little, it helped to ease the tension.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
My friend died late wednesday night. I was supposed to call him on
thursday to try to get together on a friday. I wish I had called
him that wednesday or maybe before that. I waited and I never got
to say goodbye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
offer support to my other friends who were suffering as well.
We were all trying to be strong. We took turns supporting each
other.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The bonding that goes on between people who don't really even like
each other. Surrounding a death, the petty little disagreements
all seem to slip away.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The feelings for retalliation against the drivers of the car.
Every body wanted to kill them. Justice put them in their place.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a certain song, smell a scent, play a game of pool,
drive by a certain place, remember pieces of conversation, and
sometimes when I'm just laughing and think he would have loved that.
Especially lying awake late at night, when it's dark and quiet,
thoughts of death have a tendency to creep in.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I believe that all things happen for a reason. I've come a long
way since then. As much as I would like to have them all back,
I'm afraid it might change something. Maybe I wouldn't even be
the same person I am today.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
for so many of my friends to have died so young. My best friend
died with his mother. His father lost his whole family in one night,
that did not seem fair to me.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I used to wish that I could have died instead of my friends.
Now I realize that I have a life to live and I'm happy. I do wish
I could have said goodbye.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I tried to hold most of my feelings inside. When I got into the car
alone, I started talking to my friend as though he could hear me.
I talked to him the whole way home and when I got there I cried
for hours.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I don't understand the question.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
We took care of my stepgrandmother at home. My stepgrandfather was
in a nursing home and I was too young to visit him. He also suffered
from syphillis so his mind had detiorated. My mom prevented me from
witnessing that. The rest of my friends were all killed suddenly
in automobile related accidents.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing. I have my own beliefs about god and life.
--Religious Affiliation:
None. I've found all the churches I've visited to be out for money.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
A calm. I see it as floating. There can be no pain for a soul
without a body.
--Regarding MONEY:
Money didn't have an impact on me.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The overwhelming amount of people who showed up for the visitations
and the funerals. Seeing how loved my friends and relatives were
made me feel good. Also the ability to overcome past difficulties
in relationships. Personal problems were left at home.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The original disbelief and the night terrors that followed.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
So many of my friends and relatives were taken suddenly. I had no
time to prepare or witness any signs or mileposts.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
First denial, then anger, then a sadness that takes a long time to
completely get over.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I'm not aware if there was any.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Not applicable.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I talked aloud to my friend and my cousin. I think that wherever
they go they now how we feel. Once their body is gone I think
they understand things spiritually, and hopefully forgive us for
our shortcomings.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to know if they are finally at peace. Is there anything
they would do differently if they could?
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My grandmother said her husband came to see her before he died.
He had lost his leg in the war and used a prosthetic limb. She said
when he appeared to her he was whole again. She was afraid at
first and closed her eyes, she said she felt him touch her cheek
and suddenly she wasn't afraid anymore.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't want to be kept on life support if my body is dead, let
me go. I would like whatever organs can be used to be donated.
My mom and I have an ongoing arguement which I hope I'll win,
but I would like what is left of my body to be cremated.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am personally surprised that I have lived this long. I have a
hard time picturing myself growing old which is why I've always
expected to die young. I try not to take my relationships for
granted and get as much enjoyment out of life as I can. We can not
possible live each day as though we were going to die the next day.
That would get in the way of any productivity. But I don't hold
grudges and try not to make enemies.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote a couple of poems for friends and relatives that have died.
That really helped. It took me a long time into the grieving
process to be able to write but after I did the hurting subsided.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still write poetry every now and then.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I became a lot closer to my aunt when my cousin died. An odd thing
is that before he died I was close to my uncle, now there seems to
be some gap between us.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
All you can really do during times of grief is to listen to what
the other person is feeling. Advice is not useful. You have to
get it out and work through it.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Just being able to focus openly about my past experiences.
This questionnaire did stir up a lot of old feelings. But the good
thing is that it doesn't have to be sad. It's good to be able to
remember with love.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
The one question that I did not understand. I noted it in the box.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Mar 24 15:24:37 1999
M18 in CHASKA, MINNESOTA =USA=
Name: John Haack
Email: <johnathan.haack-at-kleinfinancial.com>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
MURMAN's website
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Prof/Studies: Pre-medecine
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More personal info:
you can have it posted if it helps
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Bible
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Job etc...
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: drunken fall from a roof; Aged: 17.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an end to our physical life on the planet earth but just a
beginning to eternity in paradise where eventually we will be
restored with our completely perfect bodies
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
couldn't sleep the rest of the night, cried a gallon of tears,
and started praying
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my best friend was drinking one night, fell
off a roof, lapsed into a coma and was taken off life support a
week later
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that he was the hottest guy in my grade ( i was told by alot of
girls) and that death can take anyone at anytime even when you're
performing some of the very simplest tasks in life
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that they're in a far,far,far better place (if they go to heaven of
course) and that when they're watching down on us we have to remember
they can hear us and we should and can talk to them at any time
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Jeff ironically signed his donor card two weeks before the accident
and when they took him off life support he ended up saving five
people's lives
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
that God was always with me through the worst
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that he was a funny friend who never cared about what other people
thought even if he looked bad
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
hold their hand and pray for them
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
had talks with God, had one-sided conversations while talking to
Jeff and faced the fact that if I wanted to be a big baby about it
that it wouldn't change a thing
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was first told about it and I went from knowing this really fun
kid was on the other side of town to being in a coma
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it never occurred to me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
give him a hug
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
stay sane throughout the whole thing
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear certain songs that remind me of him
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that we can't laugh with him or talk to him anymore
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back the clock and catch him right befofe he hit the cement
or put a mattress under him or call the cops to cite him and take
away his alcohol
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
hope and frustration and wonder( organ donation)
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a HUGE weight was taken off my shoulders and Jesus carried it all
for me
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran Church Missouri Synod
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we were all created by one God so no one is really different but
yet no one's the same
--Regarding MONEY:
we donated alot of our graduation gift money to his memorial fund
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I never had heard someone play the instrument they did and it was
beautiful music
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that about two days before the accident Jeff gathered me and a
few of our closest friends and went swimming and talked through
the night and when i went home that night i felt really good about
myself and life in general and i will always carry that with me
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
?
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
time definetely heals big huge holes left in the heart
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I only think there's one issue that still bothers me and it sounds
selfish but i would have loved to meet the amazingly gorgeous
woman he would've married one day cause all through high school
i would over hear and sometimes be told that Jeff was this hot,
good looking god and i know for a fact that he would have been with
a really nice beautiful woman when he got married
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would live in extreme anxiety if I knew the date of my death
because everything I would do wouldn't be good enough cause I'd
think in my head that I would have to do and be the best so I would
hate knowing my end
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
just talking to Jeff makes me feel better cause i know he can
always hear me
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Well his death could have easily been prevented if kids and alcohol
never got involved. ALL of his and my mutual friends drink on
a regular basis and it was pretty easy for me to see that alcohol
played a strong indirect role in his death and none of them have quit
using or even slowed down but i started seeing an increased usage
of drugs and alcohol among his closest friends and an apathetic
change started to come upon them. What I thought i got out of
this whole ordeal was that God was telling us to stop and take a
look at where we were all headed, some listened and some blindly
ignored the warning or second chance they got.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
religion, talking, the fact that I know he's in heaven, girlfriend,
passage of time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
very easy. It is actually a good exercise to go through if you've
experienced a death because you can't hide from your feelings if
they're in print in front of you. Also, not alot of people get
asked these kinds of Q's after a death so actually being asked for
the first time can maybe help bring and end to some trauma
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Mar 23 11:10:42 1999
F19 in Cullom, IL =USA=
Name: Sarah Hensley
Email: <sbh97-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Elementary Education
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Unknown
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 10 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer ; Aged: 77.
--Details:
He died in his home because hospice allowed him to be where he
wanted. Before he died I was able to tell him how much I loved
him and how much he meant to me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a mixture of the end and the beginning. You end your life here
and you begin your afterlife.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very upset and confused
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...after school one day I ran into the house
to tell my mom that I was going to my best friend joy's to drop
off the homework she had missed at school and to find out why she
hadn't went to school since I had been playing tag with her and
her dad the night before. My mom stopped me as I was running out
the door and told me that I could not go there because Joy's dad
had died of a heart attack.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that we were much better prepared for his death because we were
told ahead of time.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to stop denying it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I was able to tell my grandfather how much he meant to me
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my religious beliefs
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the thought that I would never see them again.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
now know that it is important to value the people that you love
and to let them know that you love them now.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When I was angry at God.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was so upset and nervous and uncomfortable at the wake that the
thought of one more person saying he looks so good would make me
crazy when the next person said it, I laughed while crying and said,
"NO, he looks dead."
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my aunt before she died how much she meant to me I learned
that and was able to tell my grandfather.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
come to peace with hes death
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I was able to take the roses off his coffin. I saved two and on
his favorite holiday Thanksgiving I laid them on his grave.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
how I looked, I had makeup streaming down my face and my nose was
all red but, I didn't care.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see something about fishing or worse the fisherman going out to
fish because he would have loved to be there with them.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I difinitly think these thoughts and then I realize that they are
only dreams no more no less.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that God took my aunt in February and my grandpa in June
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just have them back for one day.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried a lot
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitiude they allowed my grandpa to die at home where he wanted
not in the hospital.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
that they are a wonderful organization that deserves more credit
for all the work they do.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing, the religion meant that I would see him again but, the
church meant nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding MONEY:
We could not give him the funeral he deserved
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that my grandpa touched a lot of people in his life and meant
something to them all
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the wake
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
The stage of anger is the hardest because you are so unsure of
who to be angry at.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
there was none.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My mom had heart failure for 3 minutes and she remembers walking
across a bridge and seeing all the people she had lost on one side
and wanting to be with them but, then she heard my sisters voice
and turned back.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I was frotunate enough to not leave unresolved issues
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
After my grandpa died I went to the barn to cry and I felt him
there with me telling me that he was in a better place now.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have given a lot of thought to my own death because of these
deaths in fact I enrolled in a death and dying class. I would
feel that I am prepared to die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I went to my grandpa's grave approx. 15 times in the month in a half
after he died and talked to him about things going on in my life.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I stop by his grave almost monthly to say a few words and to keep
his memory fresh in my mind
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
The memories of how much he meant to me and the hope that I would
see him again.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
I was so young that I was unsure of what had really happened.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was nice to be able to let go of the feelings when I answered
the questions.
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Mon Mar 22 21:39:52 1999
M28 in Toronto, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
surfing
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Prof/Studies: Ph.D. Candidate, Business School
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of it all. A very frightening thought.
--That first time, how it happened was
-
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Can I really believe in life after death, rationally?
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Nothing. Sorry
--Religious Affiliation:
Jewish
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Fradulent. But I wish it were true
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think about it constantly. It scares me. Terribly.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Still has not
How'd I do? How well
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Mar 22 21:31:57 1999
M27 in calgary, alberta =canada=
Name: Istion
Email: <istion-at-yahoo.com>
Web: http://WWW.geocities.com/athens/delphi/9598
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Sales
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
the ascension manual
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
joshua stone
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 0 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 3.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of that existance.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt nothing, i felt indifferent and hated myself for feeling this
way about such a wonderful woman!! She loved us so and i could
feel nothing!! But I guess it was all worng becaus I learned to
day I loved her. I only did not understand the way I did with my
emotions...If shes reading this I love YOu...
--That first time, how it happened was
grand mother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the realization that everything I think of her - I do not. When one
greives does not only concern themselves with your suffering.
That at moments you think it may be better if they die so you dont
have to clean up afterthem of feel this way more....Ahhhh.
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
loose the fear. It is simpy a passing of experience from one
to another....
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i dont know.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I ?
--[My dog's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
how loving and wonderfful being she was and what we mean to each
other.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was forced to decide when life is worse than death..
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
you gain as much as you loose we are also yin and yang...balance.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be nicer and more understanding. I scared her to many times.
She didn't know and I terorized her. It was what my parents did
to me! ah shit this is horible, and we are now thinking of having
kids, will I continue this pateern of terrorization or do i change.
why is change not easier... Is this whole life about nothing but
learning to accept change. Does this make god the big CHANGE??? is
that what we are is change, that makes the saying nothing is constant
but change thus making us immortal.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
write out these questions.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
everyone i opened my heart to also had theirs opened by it..
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
saying we are sorry...instead of woring about the ill, or the person
in sadness.. If we actually
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
just to day writing these things...damn my hand hurts.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
spending time together feeling the love and joy I felt then, its
amazing-good question.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
actually that was it IT IS NOT FAIR to me, to my dog, to my future
thoughts of her. dang I am way to attached to this dog... She is
a loving wonderful soul who made me feel good, isnt that what we
all look for-so perhaps it is only preduce that suggests her love
is any less worth than a persons.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stop it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wept
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Utter humility-we are still in the dark ages of understanding man.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I was the hospice- contact was only intermitent, (that is me
intermitent)
--Religious Affiliation:
spiritual - very questioning.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
loving and supportive.
--Regarding MONEY:
I felt supprize but never had a thought of going with a group burn.
God I hope they treat her with respect, her body I mean...She was
not a lover creature but a loving creature deserving all of our
respect as we should begin to repect our own.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
caring.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the feelings and tthe questioning.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when live had more value than the pain, Perhaps then euthenasia
is wrong. Perhaps that IS the individuals time where they decide
the pain is worth more then life.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
didn't feel anything but guilt for not being more affectec
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
had a fear of death and felt nothing.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Mar 20 18:01:19 1999
F33 in venice, ca =u.s.a=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
collective unconscience
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Prof/Studies: wife & mother
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
karma&reincarnation
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
dr. hiroshi motoyama
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 12 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 22.
--Details:
drug induced gun shot wound to the head.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
is the end of atransitional physical being.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I cried and cried. in retrospect i cant really say why...
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my paternal grandmother. i did not know
her well.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
tears and confusion, perhaps because it was asuicide.
--What I think my (u.s.a) culture needs to better learn about death is:
is astate of grace,and we should not leave loose ends for the ones
we leave behind.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
support of our friends. time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
trite as this may sound,not being able to say goodbye.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just be there.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
i have not learned anything from beravement. it is just pain.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
begining. before bed.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i don't remember such a feeling, but it has been a long time since
i have experienced a death . thankfully.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
i have not had a positive death experience.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
huh?
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
i don't know
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my belief in spirits, karma and re-birth have set me free from my
fears or feelings of missing. I pray for thier peace.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
there would be more laughter in my life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it's not fair to those left behind.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
i am at peace.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
put it on the back burner.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
fear.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
i felt the enviorment was contagious,although ikept that feeling
to myself,and did not let it get in the way of visitation.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
born a jewess, currently leaning towards hinduism lite.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we aint coming back, at least in that discarded old body.
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
a closeness.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the feeling of the spirits all around.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
drug addiction.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
detatch.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i have not been present at the very end . i do not know first hand.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
try tobehave more demonstratively with my affections.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i don't know.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i have felt visited in my dreams, i do not know what the message
could have been , perhaps affirmation of eternal life.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
remember to say goodbye.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i do not want to die. but i am not afraid.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
just cry endlessly,or of course you can always refuse to digest
the death.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
unfortuneately ihave not learned much from grieving.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
not with me, but i did see fellow mourners building new positive
friendships with other mourners.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
fear
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i don't know.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
great. it helped me realize how detatched i have become from
the death experiences. good or bad i don't know.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
i like the questions.
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Sat Mar 20 17:25:15 1999
F23 in Muncie, IN =ISA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: tumor and old age; Aged: 14.
--Details:
I was lucky enough to come home from college and spend one last
evening with her before she passed. It was like she waited for me
to come home.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
part of you leaving, without your control, that can never be
replaced.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
as young and did not really know the person.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was one of my great grandmothers...i didn;t
really know her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being able to speek at a memorial service of a co-worker and friend.
--What I think my (ISA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to let indidivuals do what they need to do in order to come to
their own peace.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I was given the opportunity to say good-bye.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
seeing that others were as affected as I was who I thought would
not be affected at all.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
moving on.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Mar 20 01:57:59 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: parasite; Aged: 7.
--Details:
he was my only friend and I watched him die. Nothing could be done.
The illness was too advanced. It was not quick. It happened over
a months' time, but he got very bad in a weeks time and then went
to ultimate severity in one night.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the abandonment of someone that you know or are close to
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and cried and kept to myself for several days
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was she was my great grandmother whom I did not
know that well, yet was still quite close to.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the tragidy of his death
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Fri Mar 19 19:18:10 1999
F20 in Rutland, VT =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Anthropology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, yrs 12 ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 80ish.
--Details:
She died in her sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when your heart stops beating and your brain ceases to function.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and cried until my parents told me to "cut it out". I only
cried about 15 minutes total!
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandmother, who I never really knew,
died when I was 9.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My parents telling to cut it out. How insensitive can you be????
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
exactly what happens when you die.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Not to think about it
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
everyone(religion mostly) has a different answer tfor it.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
NOTHING!!!
--Religious Affiliation:
My parents are Jehovah's Witnesses....I'm not
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs
I have done alot of reading about where you go when you die...
too many answers. I guess I'll find out when I die.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
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Fri Mar 19 16:28:45 1999
M22 in Cedar City, UT =USA=
Name: Jon Lee
Email: <jondeelee-at-hotmail.com>
Web: n/a
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo psychology test page
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Why Bad Things Happen To Good People
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
don't remember...I believe he was a rabbi
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: unknown (no autopsy); Aged: 77.
--Details:
My grandfather was cremated by request with no autopsy having been
performed. He had quadruple bypass surgery years earlier, and was
subsequently told there was a blood clot in his heart that was too
risky to remove...we believe it was the dislodging of this clot
that caused his death.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our physical existence. Beyond that we know next to
nothing about it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young, and consequently don't remember much.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My paternal grandfather had smoked and, in
general, had not taken care of his body. He died of lung cancer
and assorted complications when I was only 3-4.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was the last person in my family to see him alive, an
(honor?) which I think should have gone to my mother (his daughter).
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's probably not as big of a deal as everyone makes it out to be.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my paternal grandfather's death was a release from the physical
pain that had been hounding him for months.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to people, mostly friends and family, and letting them know
how important the death was to me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
realizing that I would (never?) see him again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them know that they were important to you.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realize that this, too shall pass.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was telephoned by my father and told my grandfather had died. It
took me several seconds to realize what that meant.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it seems to be a natural reaction; a kind of self-imposed comic
relief system...only so much sadness one can take.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye to him one last time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see him in life as the person he was.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I realized the fire alarm in my apartment had gone off approx. 1
hour before his death.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
religious services at the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
This probably says something strange about me, but I have a
harder time dealing with the deaths of my dogs than those of my
grandparents...
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It might not be all that different...I'd probably weigh a bit more,
as Granddad was an excellent cook :)
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that children should die before their parents (has never happened
in my family, knock on wood).
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
actually, it has never really been difficult...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
turned to others for support and began making peace with myself
and him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude--they helped as much as they knew how, and for a short
time made the pain go away.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
don't remember...too long ago
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
next to nothing for myself, probably a bit more for my parents,
since at one point my father was studying in the seminary...
--Religious Affiliation:
none (I believe in a God, but not in organized religion)
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
natural and correct.
--Regarding MONEY:
his insurance paid for some of it, and we paid for the rest...not
too bad of a strain.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
again, don't remember...to long ago, and I wasn't able to attend
my maternal grandfather's funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how quickly I got over it. I know that makes me sound callous, but
that isn't true...he still exists somewhere, and that's something
I can live with.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I don't know...my maternal grandfather was the strongest, most
vibrant person I knew, and there was no indication the day before
he died that he wouldn't be there the next day.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
grieving is not an overly important stage...perhaps I just don't
agree with the definition of the word 'grieving', though... it IS
important to me to remember them, just not to mourn.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
no experiences in this area.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
We ended on a good note; I have to unresolved issues and no regrets
in this category.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
to say: I love you to hear: I love you
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
n/a
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Always give people in death what they asked for in life... if
nothing else, it's the greatest sign of respect you can have.
When I die I want people thinking about what I was like when I
was alive. I do not wish for people to cry, but if that is what
they need, then so be it, but I would prefer if everyone just
had a big party and got smashed.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My own death concerned me as a teenager, but since then I have
realized there is no point in worrying over something I have no
control over. If I knew I was to die soon, I would probably feel
differently, and spend as much time as possible doing the things
I've always wanted to do.
My own death does not scare me. If I go on afterwards, then
everything will be fine. If I don't, then I won't know it anyway,
and there's no point in antagonizing over it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote a letter to every friend I could think of, telling them
what had happened.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
the only thing I can think of is that I realized it was important
to keep in contact, and as such I still write frequent letters
to friends.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no, sorry...
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
In general, talking to people provides enough of an outlet
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
never really had any problems in dealing with it...
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I reached out to help others through letters...
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I don't know that it helped anything regarding other people's deaths,
but it strengthened my convictions about my own death.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Mar 19 11:02:53 1999
F21 in buffalo, ny =erie=
Email: <nkazmierski-at-hotmail.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: teacher aide
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Death and dying, Motherless daughters
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 mths ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 57.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is not being able to talk to your loved one in a physical form.
Missing that person, not being able to hold them or touch them.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
it really didn't bother me. I had been to about 6 funerals before
my mothers, but aside from my grandmother, none of them have been
really close to me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My great aunt had died and her funeral was
on my birthday. I was turning ten. I remember being upset that
we had to spend my birthday at a funeral, but I was mollified that
we went out to dinner afterwards.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Not being coherent. I had to keep very busy, but at the same time,
i couldn't remember what happened five minutes ago, or what I neede
to do next.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My mother wa sno longer suffering, and I didn't have to see her
wasting away anymore.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My two best friends.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Talk to them like nothings wrong. Don't remind them that they have
a disease, but don't ignore it either. If they want to talk about
it, Talk. If they want to go out, or just sit and watch t.v. with
you, then do that.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The second I learned she had died. I was holding my 14 mth old
nephew, and my sister just dropped to the floor and starting
screaming. She lives out of state and didn't get to talk to our
mother before she died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I probably thought something was really funny, so I laughed.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk to my mother more the last few days she was in the hospital.
I would go visit her, but I would only stay for five minutes at a
time or more.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Give my wry sense of humor to my mom and family members when they
needed it.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
right after she died they let us go in to view the body in the
hospital room. I sat down on the bed and started talking to my
mom like I used to do at home when I had a problem.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize she's never going to yell at me to shut the front door,
or to clean up my room.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I haven't acknowledged it yet
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Wonderful. they took the time to explain everything and help as
much as they could.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing to me, but it did to my family.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic church, haven't been in a church since catholic school.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like crap
--Regarding MONEY:
We didn't really have any so it was a big concern. Everyone chipped
in a sbest they could though.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
So many people showed up the funeral director was impressed.
We had over 80 cars in the procession to the cemetery.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Everyone feeling that they had a huge role to play in my healing
process.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Losing weight, extreme fatigue. Not wanting to get out of bed,
Begging for new body parts to replace the ones that hurt, making
constant comments about being dead soon.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I haven't yet begun to grieve
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My mother ame to me in a dream with my grandmother who died six
years ago. she was calming me and comforting me, telling me what
it was like for her, and how she was doing.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolve issues with her.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I want to know if she' sproud of me and the choices I have made in
my life.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
It upset me greatly at first, because I didn't want to wake up
becasue if I did, mom would go away again. I was crying hysterically
when I woke up. Gradually I got the
feeling that I was in a comfort zone.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't want people to fight like my family did. I will leave a
detailed list behind o fwhat I want done.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote one letter to her so far, but nothing else.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
none
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I never really had a problem dealing with it until my mother died.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I helped my two older sisters to cope.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Mar 19 10:19:05 1999
F24 in Houston, TX =UNITED STATES OF AMERICA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: STROKE; Aged: 78.
--Details:
AFTER MY GRANDMOTHER HAD HER FIRST STROKE, SHE LIVED WITH MY
PARENTS FOR AWHILE. BUT, SHE INSISTED ON GOING HOME TO TAKE OF
HERSELF. MY MOM ADVISED HER NOT TO DO ANYTHING STRENOUS. WELL,
"MOTHER" DECIDED TO COOK A FULL COURSE MEAL AND SHE HAD ANOTHER
STROKE. THIS TIME, THE RIGHT SIDE OF HER BODY BECAME PARALYZED AND
SHE LOST HER VOICE. SHE WAS IN PAIN AND WAS UNABLE TO TELL ANYONE.
MY GRANDMOTHER, "MOTHER" SUFFERED TERRIBLY THE LAST DAYS OF HER LIFE.
TO THIS DAY MY PARENTS AND I BELIEVE THAT IF SHE WOULD HAVE CONTINUED
STAYING WITH US, SHE WOULD PROBABLY BE ALIVE TODAY.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a time when we must leave our family and friends forever to enter
into a realm of the world you'll only experience spiritually after
earthly death.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was eight years old and I wish I never knew about it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER DIED, AND I HAD TO ATTEND
THE FUNERAL. I WAS ONLY ABOUT EIGHT YEARS OLD.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
are the nightmares.
--What I think my (UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
when somebody dies, it should be a joyous time because they will
never have to worry with the troubles of this world.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the passage of time and the long talks I had with my mom reminiscing
on the good 'ol days with my grandmother.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
how my grandmother died. I think I would have taken it a lot better
had she died of natural causes.
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realized that life is not promised to us and we must take advantage
of life while we are alive and well.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried many times secretively and thought of how much I am going to
miss my grandmother.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I remember as a child when I would go to bed at night with the hall
light on and wake up in the middle of the night and it was off.
Well, in that dark hallway one night, I saw my greatgrandmother
standing in my doorway!! So then I put the covers over my head
and then I felt someone rub my head. I was terrified. Why was
she coming back to visit me? I really did not know her that well.
I had only met her a couple of times. To this day I don't know if
this experience was a figment of my imagination or real.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I would start singing gospels and old spiritual songs over and over
until I felt better.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
I OFTEN TRIED TO THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Fri Mar 19 00:14:13 1999
F32 in Irvine, CA =USA=
Name: Karen
Email: <kkendric-at-uci.edu>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
FAMSA
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Prof/Studies: graduate student, sociology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1.5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 62.
--Details:
Mom was diagnosed 3 years before her death. We lived across the
country from one another. She had surgery, and seemed to be doing
well. She didn't really let me and my brother in on the details of
her cancer, and we didn't find out about the return of the cancer
until months after she did. At that point we knew that she had
limited time, but didn't know exactly how long. They started her
on some chemo, but it didn't work too well. She never complained,
and never asked me to come be with her, although I let her know that
I would if she needed me. But then the cancer spread to her brain,
and she did need me. I spent the six most incredible months of my
life living with her, and slowly taking more and more care of her.
In the end she was in a coma for about two weeks. The brain tumors
just slowly caused her to become unable to think and talk. I loved
her more than I can imagine possible, and I am lucky to have had
that time and that relationship. But I still feel a lot of guilt
and I still wish for just one more day.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
many things depending on what cultures and societies we come from.
For a lot of (white, middle-class) Americans, death is the ultimate
failure. I think when we talk about "loss" and death, we really
mean 2 things. One is the loss of the person to the survivors.
That's where grief and sorrow come in. I don't think we grieve
out of altruism for the person who has died. I think we grieve
out of what is now missing from our own lives, for the people
that we can't be any longer. But the second meaning of loss is
in the metaphors we use, "she fought so hard to stay alive," and
"she lost her battle with cancer." And this really makes me mad.
Dead people aren't losers. In America we so associate a "good life"
with youth and money and physical beauty and ability, that we can't
even imagine what "good death" would look like. The closest we
can come is to have a beautiful corpse in a high priced box in a
fancy room for people to gaze at. The ultimate objectification.
And if the people who write about this kind of stuff are right,
and the object is made less powerful through being looked at by
the active subject, then (through the funeral) the dead person
comes to signify the ultimate in human powerlessness. "See,"
we say to ourselves, "that person could not control their body."
Every non-smoker who I tell that my mother died of lung cancer asks,
"Did she smoke?" and nods knowlingly when I answer at a perpetual
loss of words, "yea." I want to scream at them, "DO YOU THINK
YOU WON'T DIE BECAUSE YOU DON'T SMOKE?!" Or, "ARE YOU SAYING SHE
KILLED HERSELF?" Or even, "Does it matter?" But I can't say these
things in the face of that question. All I can say is, "yea" and
quickly change the subject. But, I would assure my alien visitor,
it's not that way everywhere, and she better not take my answer as
at all representative of "humans" (whatever they are).
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't get it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I guess it would be my Grandmother,
my Mom's mom. She had cancer for a long time, and me and my Mom
went to visit when she was very sick. She died (in the hospital)
while we were at the home of my Grandmother and Grandfather,
I remember very clearly my Grandfather getting the phone call
and having tears in his eyes. "Mother's gone," he said. I was
really too young (only 7 I think) to feel the loss very deeply,
I was much more interested in the emotions of everyone around me.
I had a teenage cousin who was raised by my Grandma, and he cried so
hard just after the church service that it shocked me. He was so
big and in my eyes at the time, so tough and masculine that it was
hard to understand how he could be so upset. Early gender lessons...
Anyway, I don't remember much more, but my mother always told me that
I seemed concerned about her, and kept asking why she wasn't crying.
The answer to that is a whole other, but obviously related story.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the incredible sadness of joy. The way death and loss and love
are so intertwinned.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it happens. It's unavoidable. It should be forever uncoupled from
capitalism and consumption. It is not ugly or a symbol of failure.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I got to spend 6 months of my adult life living back with my
mother, and I learned to meaning of the verb "to minister." Just a
couple of weeks towards the end of my mother's life, she asked
to speak to the minister. When the minister came over, I left to
give my mother privacy to speak. But when I got to the kitchen,
the baby monitor was on, and I could hear every word they spoke.
I couldn't stop myself, and I listened. I heard my mother crying,
hesitating, she was afraid. The minister was talking about prayer
and God's love. Then my mother told the minister that she was
afraid because she had been trying to pray, but couldn't remember
any of the words. I knew what she meant. The tumors in her brain
had interrupted her ability to think and remember. Oh god, I wish I
could have given her the words to say. But then the minister spoke,
calmly and lovingly, and told mom that it didn't matter if she had
the right words, or any words at all. God would hear and know,
and God would hear the prayers of everyone else who was praying
for her, and lots of people were praying for her. As I listened
to my mother crying and the minister speaking, I felt great sorrow
and joy. Deeply moved by my mother's confession of fear, sad that
she had been unable to tell me, and grateful beyond imagining that
the minister was there to hear her and comfort her in a way that I
clearly couldn't. I knew then, I knew what it meant for someone
to minister. I finally understood that to minister is a verb,
not a noun. And I realized that ministering, caring, giving was
what made this world bearable. And as the minister was caring for
my mother, my mother had cared for me, ministered to me, brought me
into this adult life a loved and cherished person. And I knew then
in that moment that the love that my mother gave to me was what
I was giving back to her in the last months of her life. I felt
the incredible sadness of joy. Love born out of ministering to
others and being ministered to is as real and solid as any object.
It is not ethereal or fleeting. It is not indescribable. It is
tangible. My mother created love when she cared for me, through
her caring for me. She created something as real as a piece of art
or an economic fortune. She gave me the love that I had to give
back to her. It is here now in the world and I can never lose it.
A thing so real once brought into the world can not be lost. To
create love through ministering is to create the power to change
the world. And it was only through facing the inevitability of
losing my mother that I could see and feel the permanence of love
and care. It is easy to produce the phantom of love, but to make
love tangible and powerful it takes strong connections to others.
Not to simply nurture, but to comfort, to accept, to minister.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I'm still looking for it. But I think being able to grow closer
to my brother and father has probably been the most important
thing so far. I have always been alienated from them because
of political differences and because I was always cast as the
"emotional, irrational" member of the family. My father's mother
died almost a year to the day before my mother died. The grief that
the three of us shared really brought us together, and helped both
of them to realize that my emotionality was not weakness, but could
in fact be strength. So maybe the overall answer is that empathy
and sharing with people who have had the experience of death is key.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
IS the loss. The hole inside me where I used to be able to be the
loving daughter. The loss of the kind of love that you only get if
you are lucky enough to have a mother who you are close to. But see,
it isn't just the loss of her love, it's the loss of not being able
to be the daughter anymore. Am I supposed to be grown up now?
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Hold them. Be present in whatever way they need, whether it is to
sit quietly, to read, or whatever. Let them go. Don't rush to
hospitals or ressucitation. Let them know that you are letting
them go, and that you will love them forever just the same.
Don't do denial.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
took pretty good care of her. Maybe I took care of her better than
anyone ever had since she was an infant. And I was able to give that
to her because she had already given it to me. And because I wasn't
afraid to go into the dying process. I was the only person in my
family who insisted on being really open about the whole thing.
Somehow I knew that all the emotionality I had my whole life,
that I was always put down for, was now going to be what made my
mother's last six months beautiful.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
everything was over. After the death and the funeral and cleaning
out the house, when I got back to my home state, I was overwhelmed
with grief and guilt. Everyone around me, myself included,
had assumed that since I took such good care of my Mom, that I
wouldn't feel guilty after she died. Wrong. And it is really hard
to understand.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I knew laughter was going to be part of the whole thing. Like me
and my mother laughing huge belly laughs in the bathroom as we
pulled the hair out of her head. Sometimes you just laugh because
life is absurd, scary and overwhelming. Nothing wrong with it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be perfect. Unfortunately, that's not an option. Do you really want
the list of the hundred little things I could have done differently?
Lived closer to her, spent more time with her, hugged her more
towards the end, been walking her down the hall when she fell and
broke her shoulder 3 months before she died. I can go on and on,
but I don't think the specifics matter. You do the best you can
do every day of your life. The bottom line is that if you could
have done better, you would have. But you get left with the guilty
feelings anyway, and I'm not sure why.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
take care of my Mom, tell her I loved her, and ask her if she would
still love me even if I didn't become the successful PhD I'm supposed
to be. She will.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I should have thought more about the funeral to avoid the rip-off.
Now it just makes me mad.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
anytime I think about love and loss. Sentimental goofy things
make me cry. Thinking about human suffering in general floors me.
Big tragedies like plane crashes and the holocaust make sense to me
in a way they never did. I did not know what loss was, and now I do.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
See, this question scares me. What if it didn't happen, and I
was still just as depressed as I am now? What if grief is just an
excuse for feeling sorry for yourself?
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I don't think I dealt with this issue, although maybe I would have
if the situation was different. Maybe I've given up on the idea
that life is ever fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be taken care of for the rest of my life. Not have to work or
clean the house or do anything at any particular time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
still didn't understand it. I still can't get my brain around it.
How can someone really be gone? How are we supposed to keep living
after such a loss?
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust. The oncologist was a cold fish. No one coordinated
overall care. I can't help but feel that they didn't do more for
my mom because they wrote her off as an aging, single woman smoker.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
incredible gratitude. They were what made the good experience of
dying possible. I can't recommend hospice more, and I can't say
enough good things about them. Avoid the hospital death by any
means possible!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
community and support even though I am not religious myself.
It just felt good knowing there were people praying for mom, and
that the minister was willing to make home visits to her.
--Religious Affiliation:
Used to be a Methodist. Now nothing.
--Regarding MONEY:
it demonstrated to me another aspect of the privilege of being
middle class. We were lucky to have money to cover my caring for
my mother for 6 months, the health care and hospice, the funeral,
and so on. And not only that, we inherited money from the house
and the death benefits. Having this money also allowed me to take
some more time off of work and devote myself to school when I first
came back. That's not something most Americans have access to.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I knew a little bit about funerals and the industry. I was able
to in some ways direct the funeral to be the kind of celebration
of my mother's life that I wanted it to be. I felt very much
like the funeral was the last thing I was doig in my commitment
to care for her. But what stands out most is the moment when the
funeral director accused my brother of trying to "nickle and dime"
him because the coffin was considerably more expensive than he had
led us to believe on the phone. Knowing what I know now about the
industry and my rights, I would have done things much differently,
and fought more to have a funeral without a funeral director and
funeral home.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when the light in my mother's room began to flicker on and off
shortly after she died. I don't believe in this kind of stuff,
but it's true, and I checked for loose wires or bulb, and everything
was tight and it never flickered after that.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
exactly the kinds of things they list on the handouts from
the hospice. For me it was the breathing, and the palor of my
mother's face. I knew exactly when she was going to die.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Okay, before my mother entered her coma, she had a couple of days
where she was incoherent, but conscious. She spoke of people
coming to see her, telling her things. she said, "they told me
such and such" and I said , "who?" and she said "those people who
keep coming to visit." She got very aware at one point and told
me some messages I should give to people, and that she wanted 2
butterflies in her coffin. At the moment of Mom's death I was
overwhelmed by an image of my grandmother coming to meet her, and
of the two of them being able to be together and love each other
with a purity not possible while they were alive.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I already told the lightbulb story. The only other thing that
happens sometimes is just on the cusp of waking and sleeping, I
will hear my mother call my name sharply and clearly. It's very
different from the dreams I have about her.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Don't spend any money on the funeral. The important thing is to
tell people, don't write it down and put it away. Let lots of
people know what you want.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I still find it very hard to believe.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
More closeness with family members (aunts, cousins, brother, father)
while and right after. But it has been hard to maintain those
relationships as we are spread all over the U.S. That is one thing
I would like to be better at now, maintaining those relationships.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have had three opportunities to reach out to others who have lost
mothers since I did mine. In one case I was able to lend a friend
money to get an emergency flight back east. She was able to see her
mother just before she died because of that, and I would never have
regretted it even if I never got the $2000 back. In another case I
organized people to get a food basket together, and in another case
I shared some stuff I had read or written about my mother's death.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I feel like this reminded me of some of the better parts of my
Mother's dying process. And I found it useful to remember those
good parts. I don't know how much it helped me to rethink death
and dying in general, but I wasn't really looking for that. I do
think the questionaire is a bit long. It would help to be able to
save it and come back to it later.
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Thu Mar 18 20:30:44 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
surfing
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Politics of Experience
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
R. D. Lang
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, soon to be ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 44.
--Details:
Delight, hope and celebration crushed mercilessly under the dark
shadow of mass human cowardice and subsequent rage for superiority.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of all pain and the urgency for all pleasure. Mother Earth
will comfort you, lay your body down.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried. Later I tried to find spiritual ways to break through the
barrier between this side and "the other side" and to bring him back.
Then even later, I tried to invent ways of transcending the physical
laws that dictate death.
--That first time, how it happened was
The first death was me. Born into a "consumer" society marked by
frequent, unpredictable outbursts of narcissistic, self-righteous
violence to person and planet, I suffered a thousand small deaths
to body, heart and soul till I am ready to die, to end the pain.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the loss of all joy, loss of all hope; the extreme sense of fear,
aloneness, alienation and helpless vulnerability. God must be a
boogie man. Hatred for God and creation. Dear God, I don't believe
in you. Too much senseless pain and violence here for you to
exist. No one to play with.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that the "every man for himself" socio-economic "dog eat dog"
rage for success is just one huge violent denial of death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
for awhile Death drove me to love deeply, now it will provide me
lasting peace.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I recieved no support, I had to do it on my own, all alone surrounded
by the violently insane (my society).
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
How alone I was in responding to my and his death from a place
of painful awareness, love and social-ecological responsibilty -
a philisophical merging of souls and earth. What bullshit. There is
nothing, nothing at all. Most other people seem to be busy acting
out various forms of violence and pre-occupation - perhaps their
way is better.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just hold his/her hand, help them to drink. I want my own suicide
to be an act of loving compassion.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found death to be a loving partner.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I thought I had something to live for and then I realized that
all meaning is a creation and projection of the mind - so there is
really nothing but fiction. Relatedness exists only in fantasy.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
some very loud bitter bitter laughs at hopes I once had.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get very close to him, for us to have been intimate friends. To have
clearly seen his (in)capcity for intimacy. To have adapted well
to this dog eat dog society. However, non-adaptation may have been
a sign of my sanity and humanity. Survival of the fittest - I lost.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Love and raise my child better than my parents did me, see the
potential for a better world, make the films I did, long for beauty,
dance a hard as I did, and question authority.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandfather said (just before he died)"How did I get here, to be
this old and dying?" my friend Ray said (just before he died)"Oh,
I'll be all right!!" my inner child said before he died "Howcome no
one wanted to play with me?" my outer adult said before he killed
himself "I am so tired, so very tired (so alone, so very alone)"
Feeling deeply and being aware is the most important thing in life.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what is accomplished by a person in life.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am finished crying. It is now time to sleep.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would directly ask the questions I wanted to ask and say the
things that I wanted to say without reservation.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That people don't know (that I don't know) how to be in relationship
very well.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die easily, peacefully
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
got angry at what had killed him, got angry at him, then sad,
then gave up trying to understand, then began to understand,
decided to kill myself, then moved toward peace. (By the way,
by defining the set, the context of your inquiry the way you do,
that is, by designing such leading questions as this, you will need
to be careful of your qualitative coding scheme and factor in (NOT
factor out) the biases inherent in your, the researcher's, approach
to inquiry. In qualitative coding, objectivity is the accounting
for and the factoring in of all biases - you do not pretend to be
an unbiased inquirer, but you openly claim all biases that will
influence interpretation.)
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The medical community tries to stay "reality oriented" through
the whole process so that they don't go crazy with fear and grief
and have to quit their high paying jobs.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A hope not obtainable.
--Religious Affiliation:
Death worshipper
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
a spiritless, non-dimensional abyss
--Regarding MONEY:
People raveneously fought each other over the inheritance.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Alientation of all people from themselves and each other.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I made my dying more acceptable, but not by much.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Physical signs that plainly point to impending death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
There is no hope, only fantasy and fiction. I prefer a sweet
fantasy, most others prefer a violent fantasy.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my grandfather kept going back to talk to his hero from the civil
war, Abe Lincoln.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have had two near death experiences. One showed me an astounding
vision of the fabric of Karma (a gold net of events that had
purposely brought me to where I needed to be at that moment
of enlightenment and I understood EVERYTHING at that moment) and
another vision of utter darkness where nothing existed except for
what was produced by my mind.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have permanently lost myself in the night of unmitigated social
violence. I have resolved to kill myself. No one is willing to help
without large payments of money or ego engrandizement. I am alone.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you, I'm sorry, I tried, I couldn't make it.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't care. When I'm dead I'm dead. It doesn't matter.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would feel hope for peace. I would feel terror. I would feel
very sad. I would feel joy.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
First, song writing and playing the guitar frantically long into
the night. Now, suicide.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Give up, its not worth it.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Quite the opposite.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Giving up
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
Hope
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I tried but no one was there.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It clarified how crazy the people are around me. I will not
miss them.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
too tired...
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Thu Mar 18 15:42:24 1999
F16 in independence, missouri =usa=
Name: jennifer
Email: <prncsjem-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
what happens after you have done what you were put on this earth
to do
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in shock because it could have been me
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...there was a kid in my school and he asked me
to skip with him one day but i had tests to take so i didnt and
when i came back from vacation i found out taht when he skipped,
his friends that he skipped with murdered him and it scared me
because i could have been there too.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that i could have been there too and i felt bad because if i was
there maybe i could ahve stopped them
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
?
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that i stayed strong
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to people and writing a story about jesses death in the
yearbook
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that anything could happen to you and that you need to be careful
on what you are gettin gyourself into- it was hard going to class
and him not being there
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to hold their hand and tell them everything that you could never
tell them before and be there until they are gone
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
stayed strong for him and am more careful about the decisions i make
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i found out he died and that it could have been me too
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i was happy to be living- i never relized how precious my life was
until it almost happened to me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
maybe have talked him out of skipping tha day or went with him to
try to stop them from killing jesse
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say no and stayed in school because i am living instead of dead
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
everyone found out he died because where i jsut moved to is not
a very safe place and people are used to all the killings so
when people found out they kind of shrugged it off but it hit me
pretty hard
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see his picture or go to the class we had together
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
?
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had to die because he never harmed a soul
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have been there and been killed too
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was hust too stunned to think straight
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
?
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
?
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i dont go to church
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
?
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Mar 18 12:19:59 1999
F31 in Seymour, Ct =USA=
Email: <ChrissyJ68-at-aol.com>
Web: http://WWW.fortunecity.com/lavender/candyman/304/
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Full Time Mommy
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 0 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 56.
--Details:
Just happened last night. She was diagnosed 2 yrs ago w/cancer.
She went through horrible treatments and was in so much pain.
She thought she could beat it everytime she went into remission
though. Her will to live was what may have caused so much of her
pain towards the end when they could do no more to help her.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Moving on to another life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
thought I was dying as well, but time made me realize that there
is a reason these things happen, maybe to teach us all something
very important that we just cant see at the moment
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My Grandmother was sick and told no-one.
Her son, my uncle, found her on her kitchen floor in front of the
door, so he couldn't get in the house to help. It happened fast,
she was in the hospital 1 week, we thought she would be coming out
any day, she didn't.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I can't deal with it right now, I can't think about it right now,
I just found out this morning and I have a child w/special needs
that cannot see me upset.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Listen more, give advice less
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
They become Angels
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Time
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them know you love them before it's too late to tell them
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
had a dream sequence conversation, she came to me and told me she
was ok, she was with her own mother, daughter and her brothers now
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
there was just so much suffering and pain
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
No, that's not true
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Visit more. Talk or help out more.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
See my Godmother one last time before she left us, I didn't have
that chance w/my Grandmother.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my friends showed up at the wake of my Grandmother to support me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I talk to her at night, in my prayers and ask her to watch over our
family and especially her husband that she left behind who has been
in & out of the hospital since she left us.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would just be nicer, it was nice and wonderful when we were
all together.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I just can't get over why there is so much pain and suffering
involved in the deaths I have experienced.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Get her to talk to me again, like she did that time 10 years ago.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
may have come to accept it, but will never get over it.
My Grandmother was 10 years ago, my Godmother just last night.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Experimental medicine, be very careful.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They were very nice to my Godmother, but she had too many visitors,
the other patients who were dying were sort of pushed aside to
make room for all the visitors, they should not have allowed so
many people in at one time, it was not fair to the other patients.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Knowing they are truly home now.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
Contributions to Cancer Society
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
So much crying, I do not know if I'm strong enough for the one
about to take place
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
About my Grandmother, it was not expected and not fully understood
why it happened. About my Godmother, it was totally expected and
though I knew, I'm still so shocked and not prepared to deal with it.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
you never do know what to expect no matter how much you're told
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Just know no matter what, it's going to be upsetting and that's ok,
just deal with things the best way you can, even if you can't
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
sedatives, time, memories, distractions, many things.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
zoning out, alcohol, memories
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Mar 17 22:12:09 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
We Don't Die , One Last Time
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
George Anderson, John Edward
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 19 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 61.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
tramatic, sad,
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my Mother died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the void where that person use to be.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that life does go on for everyone, not just a select few.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss of that person on a day to day basis.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I watch a movie where someone dies.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
absolutely nothing.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true
--Regarding MONEY:
of hardship
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people were there.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my parents visit me in dreams all the time.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
At the time, my lack of true knowlede of the afterlife, & strict
religious dogma.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Mar 17 10:13:43 1999
F36 in San Francisco, CA =USA=
Email: <jeangreyfan-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo personality tests
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Prof/Studies: COmputer Science/History
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1year ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 60.
--Details:
It was enivitable, and long and drawn out, he suffered greatly,
but was very brave about it, and was graceful till the very end.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
An ending to the life cycle and a beginning of the soul's cycle
after it is freed from the body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried than it was like, it was nothing to me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandma died, I cried, my mom told me to
get a grip and I was not allowed to show anymore emotion after that.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Respect for him and sympathy for his family, particularly his wife,
he was a devout man in faith and for his family. It was a huge loss.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is a beginning for the soul's journey.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It ends the pain and suffering of the mind and body.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Prayer and solitude.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being able to talk with them again. It is really sadder for
those left behind.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Try to include them as much as possible in activities you are doing,
if they are physically up to it. Be humorous, and don't be afraid
to talk about their disease.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
treasure the experience of being able to have known him.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
People needing to see the body on diplay...that is just weird to me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is my dealing mechanism
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Enjoy my mother, hug my father again, told my friend(s) how much
they ment to me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
While I read about Richard Chamberlin being gay in the Enquirer to
my mom, she told bme she loved all her kids equilly.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
??
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Holidays come around.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Ltes not go there
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that we lost him/her before we could finish what we needed to finish
with him/her.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
become invisible
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
saw the freedom from pain and misery, however the death occurs
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
It was cruel to continue to interfere with the death process.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They were fantastic. They helped us become prepared for the
experience, what to expect and how to deal with it in a clinical
fashion, so that when I was taking Mom's clothes to the funeral
home, it wasn't an emotional nightmare, it was a task that needed
completing.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I am not into organized religon per say, but I am into a personal
relationship with my Lord and Savior.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christan/Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
sorta new age-ey.
--Regarding MONEY:
it was a burden, but partially pre-paid.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was seperated from people closest to me. I sat alone, and felt
petty for thinking I was alone in my grief.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I have no clue...maybe the prepaying for the arrangements for
the funeral.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
blue lips
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
humor
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Mar 16 18:53:43 1999
F36 in Toronto, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
I was looking for sites that may have some encouraging literature
for a friend who is coping with his fathers terminal illness.
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Prof/Studies: Advertising
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
An ending of what we know as life here on earth. Inescapeable.
Terrifying. Aren't afraid before we were born but scared to face
the nothingness of whatever comes after we die.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to know what was happening. I wish I never
found out. I am 36 years old and let death rob me of my life.
Panic attacks...the works.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My mother would take me the funeral home
with her. I would watch all the adults crying and screaming.
I never really knew who had died (I remained detached) but I knew
it was sad. I began to ask questions about death - wanting to
know the details of how the person had died. My mother's response
"The closed their eyes". As I got older - preteen I had my first
realization that death would happen to me. I dreamt that reporters
(dressed in 1940's attire with the big flash bulbs in front of their
faces - in black and white) were asking me how it felt to be dead.
I was confused and panic stricken. I shared the bed with my older
sister and woke her up because I was terrified. She comforted me
as best she could but when nothing she said helped, she basically
told me I had to accept it. There is nothing I or anyone could do.
I knew better than to disturb my parents. Not very warm people
and hard working.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
One of my very best friends. Same age as me. Died a year ago.
Where is she?
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!! Don't let kids sit with their fear or it will
cripple them as adults. It has me.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
She is nolonger suffering pysically but I can't image that her
being is at rest. She was forced to leave her young son behind.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Denial, denial, denial. Forcing it out of my mind. Having a panic
attack would sometimes help. Let out all that fear.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Wondering where they are.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Loved them. How I secretly and not so secretly let the fear of
death rule my life. I got stuck in a stage as a child and because
no one helped me through it I was never able to just accept death.
Talk about it with kids.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
After. Where do you go? Where are they. Is this it?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Tension release. Remembering the good times.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say good bye. To tell her I loved her. I know she knew but I
wanted to say it. To tell her that her family loved her and would
take good care of her son because she lives on in him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If death were unavoidable, I would like the fear to be removed.
To let people decide when they want to go. Some would stay forever
but most would life to end eventually. I would want to know what
happens after. If I knew that there was something good after
death and that I could be with my loved ones, I wouldn't fear
dying so much.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Yes, it's just not fair. Why, why, why?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Avoid it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt it was unfair. Seems unfair that one goes through life
learning, becoming wiser and just when you think you've got it you
gotta go.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
She was so drugged up that I don't think she knew when she actually
died. Does that make sense to you? Makes sense to me.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospital setting only.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I have faith but not organized religion.
--Religious Affiliation:
Past - roman catholic Now - take it one day at a time but pray like
hell when trouble comes. (God, I starting to feel like such a wimp!)
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I wish I knew....had some conviction.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Nobody told me about it until she was buried. Feel cheated.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Out of the 4 friends who went to school together 2 are dead.
Wondering whose next. Selfish.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
coma! Doctor's should let people know that the drugs they are giving
them will eventually lead them there. Give us time to talk,
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It was sad. So many things left unsaid. No matter what
stage/process TALK.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Tell her I love her and ask her what she would like me to do for
her when she can't .
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Terror. I've spent the last 36 years obessing about it so I can't
say I didnt' know it wouldn't happen one day. I can't think about
it too long or I will have a panic attack. Wish I knew that all
would be alright so that I could enjoy this life.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I share a sunny day with her. I ask her to appear. Give me sign.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
At first, I was more aware of my living. The very first time I
was tired and frustrated after she died I stopped a moment and
thought that she would probably love to feel what I was feeling.
I bawled like a baby in public.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
when someone tells me that their loved one is dying or has died I
tell them that I'm sorry, that I don't know what to say but that
I'm here to listen. Sometimes, for people whose loved ones passed
away a year ago or more they almost apologise for bringing them
up and it drives me nuts. I want them to talk...keep them alive.
You hear the most amazing things. Love, hate, anger, acceptance,
hero-worship....but mostly love even when there wasn't much love
while they were alive
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was useful but I would like to concentrate more on why I am
so fearful. Not to be egotistical but perhaps to explore more for
my own peace of mind.
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Tue Mar 16 16:48:43 1999
F24 in , Mississippi =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
did search for surveys
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Holy Bible
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
God
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3.5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 93.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when your physical body is at permanent rest and the inner being
goes on to another place.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
could not understand why everyone was upset - she was in Heaven
with Jesus and everyone should be happy about that. (A child's mind)
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...When I was 6, my 22 year old cousin was killed
in a car accident
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Lost feeling. I miss her so very much and now almost 4 years later,
sometimes I still grieve.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Acceptance, celebration of life. We need to love before we face
death and not afterwards. Death is permanent and the dead cannot
hear our cries.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The last death I experienced was my grandmother and 13 years before
she died, she had a heart attack. It was on a Friday and the doctor
said she would not live until Sunday. She fought death and won.
I learned never to give up. God had more work for her and she
wouldn't give up. Then he called her home, 29 years to the day
after my grandfather died, almost within the same hour. My cousin,
who was my first experience with death, came and took her home.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never seeing them again, I've never regretted the relationships
I have had with those who have died. They knew that I loved them
and I knew they were going to Heaven.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
know their funeral wishes, help them get everything in order and
obey their last wishes.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
tried to fulfill her every wish. Her being 72 when I was born,
she planned her funeral most of my life. I have a good memory and
made sure as many of her wishes came true as possible.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why it took so long. When she went into the hospital, she was no
longer functioning as a living person, she was already dead except
for pulse and respiration. At that time I did not know the date
of my grandfather's death, but when I found out it all made sense.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I think at almost every time I've been to a funeral home, I've
laughed. The only time that families seem to get together is at
funerals and weddings and we enjoy each other every where we go.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
There is nothing.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I struggle with everything else and I just my grandmother were
around with her innocent outlook on everything, enjoying life and
making me laugh. We seemed more like sisters than grahdmother and
granddaughter - we fought and argued and laughed and acted silly.
We had so much fun.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would not be nearly as strong nor have the faith in God that
I have.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I have no grandparents. By age 21, I had been through the
deaths of three beloved grandparents. One had passed long before
I was born.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. At age 16, a dear friend was killed in a hunting accident.
It was a big shock. I could not believe it, then when it hit me
that it had really happened, my friends and I cried and cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
positive feelings.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
comfort.
--Religious Affiliation:
Southern Baptist (no, I do not boycot Disney)
--Regarding MONEY:
She had none. None of my grandparents were near well-off, but each
grandchild has some momento of them.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
loving, compassionate, heart-warming
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My grandmother is the only one I know of, my cousin that died
when I was 6, came back as a child (how my grandmother would have
remembered her) wearing a blue coat her mother made for her. (We
have a picture of her in that coat.) My grandmother asked if
anyone saw that little girl sitting in the corner, my mom asked,
"what little girl?" My grandmother described her, and my mom asked,
"do you mean Connie?" and she said "yes, that's her. Hey Connie."
Then she drifted out and never spoke again. She died 2 days later.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
After my cousin Connie died (I believe during the following week)
my mom was asleep and felt a person's presence. As she was waking
up, she heard Connie say, "Don't worry about me, I'm alright."
She sat up to find no one there. The next morning she told my
grandmother and the same thing happened to her that night also.
They decided not to tell Connie's mother.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought back pleasant memories of those I loved and I like sharing
things with others, especially things about people I loved so much.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Mar 16 15:27:46 1999
F in , Idaho =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 1/2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Car on highway; Aged: 7.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
end of life on earth. Then you go to heaven or hell.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a child and I don't know.
--That first time, how it happened was
My puppie died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
crying.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is only the end of your life on earth if you are a Christian.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
saying goodbye.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was really really sad.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Pray to God.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Pray. Understand what happens after you die.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Tue Mar 16 12:06:25 1999
F50 in Trenton, New Jersey =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: RN Supportive Care Coord/Pain Manag.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 20 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: metastatic breast cancer; Aged: 52.
--Details:
My father died suddenly 1 year before my mother. Because I was
the oldest of four siblings and because I was a nurse, the total
responsibility of my mother's care was placed on my shoulders.
I also had 1 sister, newly married and I also had the responsibility
for my two teenage brothers. I, myself had a 2 and 3 year also.
I also was working part-time evenings at that time. A very hectic
time in my life, to say the least.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like moving on to another level.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a new graduate nurse. It was my responsibility to be there
for the family. It was difficult because you are dealing with your
needs and issues at that point too.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...when I was approxiamtely 7 years old, my
maternal grandmother died. I was taken to the viewing which was
held at one of my Aunt's houses.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I now do Supportive Care of the Dying in my nursing career. I now
know that this time can be a very special time. A time to remember
and treasure.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That death is something that should not be feared. We also need
to accept that death is inevitable. Sometimes prolonging that
experience is the most traumatic.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I have learned so much from my family and patients and families.
It is truly a priviledge to be present at the time of another's
death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
time
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching the suffering. Having that long conversation regarding
what my mother wanted... Example: care or her two teenage sons,
not going to see her grandsons grow and develop.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Be physically present. Let the dying person know you're there.
Reassuring them that you will be alright and giving them permission
to go.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I changed my own personal outlook on life. I now treasure each day.
Treat each day as though it may be your last.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I come from an Irish background. We need to laugh, to remember
the funny things, this only acts as a tribute to that person's life
and influence that she had on our lives.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Keep my mother at home to die.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
recognize the strength that my mother had.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize that my 2 sons don't remember my parents. My youngest son
never even knew them. I hurts when my youngest son at Christmas
visits his grandmother's grave ( my mother-in-law) with a wreath
but no visit is made to my mother's grave.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Now that I see my father-in-law at 85 yrs, with declining health,
I don't know that I could stand seeing my parents like that.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my parents were taken so young (52 yrs and 53 yrs), they would
have been better grandparents than my in-laws.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
withdrew a little into myself.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
good care. Options were offered, but not forced upon us when we
knew that ultimately they would be useless.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no contact at that time
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A faith that supported my need to believe in a life after death.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
Many issues related to the estate. My siblings were not interested
during my mother's illness to help with paying bills, physical
care etc. But on the day of the funeral, after everyone left,
I was asked to give an account of where "Mom's money" was.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was a time of great support from my mother's family. Great Aunts
and Uncles, who were there for us. Able to tell us the name of
some distant relative that we did not know. They were always there,
when my mother was dying and still to this day.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Picking out the coffin and grave site
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I recently had a patient (92 yrs) that was told that she was
going to die. She told us that she already knew, and that she
was prepared. She told me that she would watch Lawrence Welk
that evening, and then would GO at 8:00pm. The next morning,
she was still alive and little disappointed, that afternoon she
kept looking at the right corner of the room and saying "Beth",
at that time her son came in and told me that Beth was his sister,
who had died 2 years before. My Patient died that afternoon.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I can now look back and I realize that I did what I needed to do.
Even though it was one of the most difficult times of my life,
I would not change a thing.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell my parents about my children. How proud they would
have been. I would also tell them that because of them, I am the
person that I am today.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The use of an Advanced Directive. Having a Will set up. This not
only expresses my wishes, but it makes it so much less difficult
for a loved one if they are put in that position of making decisions.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I know I'm not ready at this point. But I have found that people
amaze you with their strength when faced with horrible news, it is
the unknown that we fear the most. Hopefully, when my time comes,
I can be as strong and lioving as my parents were.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
My whole nursing careet since the death of my mother, is a result
of what I learned. My nursing career has been based in Oncology
and I now do Supportive Care of the Dying and Pain Management.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
It took a while, but the relationship that my sister and I now have
is very strong. We are truly friends and well as sisters.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Follow up with families after the death. Keep in contact.
Don't back off when your first offer is refused.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Very thought provoking. Made me remember a lot from a difficult
time in my life. Also made me feel good about what I'm now doing
with my life.
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Tue Mar 16 01:14:04 1999
F17 in Melbourne, Victoria =Australia=
Email: <bubblyt-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
"Life after Life"
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Raymond.A.Moody, Jr. M.D.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Lung cancer; Aged: 70+.
--Details:
He died overseas, and I had only seen him once. He was my motheres
father, as everyone in my family was upset, I tried to act upset too,
even though I didn't really understand what was going on.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a person's spirit/soul leaves theoir material body, to enter
another world, to live a richer and fuller life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was when my pet kitten was run over by a car. Then two family
members dying that I had known. People all around me had been dying,
acquantices, friends of friends.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandfather died of lung cancer and another
family relative was stabbed to death. As I was quite young ,I didn't
know what death was. I was shown photos from both funerals and was
pestering to know what happened to them. Then my sister explained
it to me. It was always on my mind and still is.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Crying, even when I didn't want to, as I felt that it was fit.
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Everyone should be left to deal with death in their own way.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death stopped my grandfather from suffering any more.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Family members.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The realisation that they actually had left and that I didn't have
a chance to say goodbye to them properly. The hardest part was that
I would never see them again. If I would see them when I died was
another story.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Looking back, I did not reach out to anyone as I was too young to
acknowledge and realise what death was.
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Sun Mar 14 04:14:09 1999
F29 in , TX ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Metacrawler
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Natural causes or giving up hope after his wife died, whichever
you prefer; Aged: 80?.
--Details:
He lived in Ohio, I lived in Texas. I hadn't seen him in about
5 years. I was away at college and didn't know that anything was
wrong with him. Out of the blue, I had this disturbing dream. The
next morning,I found out he was dead. He mostly spoke Slovak, so I
wasn't terribly close to him, since he spoke limited English and I
didn't know Slovak. But, pictures cross all language barriers. I
still think it was pretty weird, but I feel special because even
though I didn't know him that well, I believe he was telling me he
was living on. That must have been very important to him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Normal. You die when you die, but if you kill yourself you comback
and live it twice as horribly
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had this dream. At first, I didn't believe it because I wasn't that
close to him. But now that I look back, he was always nice to me,
even if I didn't know what he was trying to say. He talked with
his eyes and his smile. That said more than enough.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... Grandmother had died from colon cancer about
6 months before I had my dream. I didn't know my grandparents very
well, had only visited them about 4 times in my whole life. 6 months
later after my grandmother's death, I had a dream that I was being
buried alive. I was laying in about a 6-foot-deep dug square grave
(by myself without a casket) and people were throwing dirt over
me. I was being buried alive. I awoke very scared (I'm usually
not scared at all about dreams)around 4 or 5 a.m. and couldn't go
back to sleep (very rare for me). Later that day, my mother called
and told me my grandfather had died during the night. At first, I
thought it was coincidence. Now, I think it was his way of telling
me that he lived on even though his body was buried.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the dream. The funeral was in Ohio and I was in Texas. I couldn't
afford to go.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
People die. Especially when they're old, it's a good thing because
their physical pains are gone. My grandfather left after his wife,
and I don't blame him one bit. It's lonely here even when you're
young and single. I can't imagine what it would be like to be married
to someone for fifty something years, and suddenly they're gone.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I believe I was contacted by him before he went. This is
the wierdest thing for me. I was freaked out by the dream, really
scared because I'm never affraid of dreams, UNTIL I found out my
grandfather died. After I found that out, I felt special. Special
because, most people don't get dreams about people that die before
they know the person died, especially when they didn't know the
person on an every day basis. Most people think my dream was creepy,
but I think it just proves that my grandfather had a very powerful
soul and he wanted me to know that he was living on even after his
physical body died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Remembering the dream I had. If I can do that when I go, I'm sure
I will. It made it seem like he was saying "goodbye" before he
went. I am grateful for that.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I didn't know him as well as I would have liked. That's the one thing
I felt that was so strange. I don't even think my mother had any
type of similar experience, and she was devistated by his death. I
almost feel guilty because I had it and not her. But then again, I
think about it, and she doesn't place much importance on dreams. She
may have had the dream also and not remembered it? I'm affraid if I
mention it, it will upset her. But I'm also affraid that if I don't,
then she'll never know that he was totally o.k. with the death thing
anyway. But, then I think of it again, and she should already know
it because her mother died so soon before her father.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Unfortunately, I wasn't there.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Am not affraid anymore. I have no question now that there is
life after death. People hear me tell them the dream and they say
"how creepy!" But I don't find anything creepy about it at all. He
didn't speak my language, I'm an artist and I think in pictures. Him
showing me that I was being buried alive was, what I believe, his
way of telling me he was still alive after his body died. Which,
by the way, I didn't know until the next day.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
He contacted me in a dream. I didn't believe in souls back then, in
fact, I didn't believe in much of anything back then. The fact that
he could cross the dead/live threshold encourages me. It encourages
me if not just for the fact that I know I may be able to do the same
with someone I care about and want to tell something to before I die,
even if it happens to be while I'm dying. Now, I don't discount the
possibility of contacting the living while or (maybe) after I die.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
He lived for grandma's stewed potatoes and John Deer
Tractors. Tractors can only take you so far...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Make sure he had done the same with my mother. But, he may have
and she just doesn't want to remember because she was so close.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
See that he was living on.He
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I had the dream. Many people think I made it up. But, it was very
real, you can ask my roomate!
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I'm glad he's with his wife again
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I debate on whether or not to tell my mom about it. In a way, I
think it would help her because she would know he told me he was
still alive. But in a way, I'm affraid to tell her because I feel
guilty that she didn't get the dream instead of me. I still toss
and turn over telling her. Why I had the dream instead of her,
still boggles me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think if I hadn't of had the dream, I would maybe fear
death. Maybe, I wouldn't have felt like I knew him at all. It seems
like, since I had the dream about him on the night it happened,
that I knew him enough that he felt he should tell me goodbye. Now I
look back and wonder if he didn't tell me so I could tell mom when
she's ready to hear it. Almost like he knew she wouldn't accept it
when he went because she was so close to him?
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why I had the dream. I didn't even know him that well
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Ask him if I should tell mom about it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Dreamed of him earlier that night. Freaked me out!
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They should have let him go like they did, if they had a say in it.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
he was fine until his wife died. I can't complain,and I don't blame
him. Don't think there was anything anyone could do.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
For him and his wife, the Catholic religion was everything. Here's
the kicker: I was the first and only member of the family to
refuse to be confirmed into the religion because I didn't believe
in it. Maybe that's part of the reason I feel so guilty for having
the dream in the first place.
--Religious Affiliation:
Force-fed the Catholic religion until I was about 17, when I refused
to have anything to do with it, including confirmation. When I
refused to go to church anymore, my mother threatened to have
a priest come and perform an exsorcism. I told her she could do
what she wanted, but if she did, I would embarrass her so badly,
that she'd wish she hadn't. My father reinforced his opinion that
I would and could. She gave up finally. Now I don't believe in any
established religion, but respect aspects of them all with more
sypathy toward the Eastern religions.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Why would he bother telling me, the only non-Catholic in the
whole family? Maybe it's all in my head. I still don't understand
it. Unless he was trying to tell me that it didn't matter what
religion I believed in and that's why he sent me the dream. Or maybe,
I imagined the whole thing, who knows? It seemed pretty real when
I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep (that's happened only about
one other time in my life).
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
n/a
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the dream and figuring out if it was my imagination or something
I should treat as real.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
They pretty much knew he would go soon after his wife did.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
that I skipped all the other stages and went straight into acceptance
(for myself ... I have no problems believing it, but I'm affraid
my mother wouldn't understand or believe me. She doesn't believe
in dreams as anything except your imagination)
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Don't know of any others, although, it would be kind of cool if
he would save me some trouble and pop into a dream every now and
then and tell me what I should do. If he could wake me up after it,
like he did that night, so that's all I can think of, my life would
be so much easier! Of course, that's only a desire, not reality!
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
The dream with my grandfather was only a dream to me until years
later when I was 24. I'm not proud of it. But when I was 24, I
was pregnant and couldn't afford to feed myself, definately not
a child. I had an abortion, and when I was on the table, all I
remember besides the apperition was waking up and the doctor and
nurses were unusually glad to see me wake up. I was freezing cold
before, during and especially after I woke up. All I remember was
being on the table, them starting the procedure, then, I didn't
see what was going on in the room, all I saw was the spirit,
a smokey/foggy looking apperition leave my abdomen. the only way
I can describe it is like smokey looking figure stretching up, it
stretched out wideways a few times while it was floating up ...it
left me. That shocked me. I didn't believe in spirits until then. I
think I went into shock afterwards, although I don't know that
much about shock to explain it. the nurses took me into another
room and gave me a heating pad to put on my stomach and wrapped
me in an electric blanket and kept giving me hot cocoa. They kept
me there in the recovery room for at least an hour until my body
temperature warmed up. I was there at least twice as long as the
rest of the people. They kept asking if I was all right, saying I
was pale and whiter than usual. Why am I telling you this I look
back and it's the worst thing in my life
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I suppose psychological assistance would be helpful if I could
afford it.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
which one? I wish my grandfather would pop into my dreams more often
and tell me when I'm doing something wrong. Although I appologized
to the baby before the operation, I would still like to know if
it's ok whereever it is. I want it to know that it was totally my
fault, not its fault that I terminated. And that I live with the
guilt every day.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I wish
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
wasn't an issue, but I think they should be followed if possible.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
so be it
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
no, I still feel guilt
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Don't believe that an unborn child is only a fetus anymore. I KNOW
all too well, it has a spirit. Funny thing, is that I never believed
in spirits, ever, before.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
the father of the baby couldn't be there with me. I was going to
be alone. I was angry in class and lashed out at the teacher to
leave me alone today. (I had just gotten back from the doctor who
told me a pregnancy test wouldn't be worth taking because I had
taken an urine pregnancy test the week before that at a different
clinic and the results were negative. I told her I wasn't able to
eat anything but crackers and icecream for two weeks, everything
else I puked up, something was wrong. I insisted on a blood test
against her advice and it was possitive.) After class, a guy I had
only talked to a few times followed me home and asked what was up
because I never acted that way. He took me so I wasn't alone. I am
grateful for that. We're still friends
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I believe death is a normal thing when it's not suicide. Since I
had never known anyone else who had died, I believe the dream helped
reinforce that death is a good thing, as long as it's not suicide,
of course
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
Never new anyone that died before that
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
psychological counciling probably would have helped
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
hope to God, you won't put my name or e-mail on this
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
you might want to ask if the person had more than one grieving
experience. Once you start talking about a different one, you don't
know which one to comment about. I'm sure older people will have
even more difficulties with that, since they know more people that
have died.
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Sat Mar 13 20:19:40 1999
F21 in Pittsburg, KS =USA=
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Found us by: [ UseNet posting ]
just looking for something to do; this looked interesting
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Prof/Studies: college student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 1/2 years ago.
Cause of Death: complications due to staph infection and leukemia; Aged: 62.
--Details:
She was misdiagnosed as having a pulled muscle, when in actuality
she had peritonitis. She finally had surgery about 2 weeks after
she first compained of abdominal pain, then had surgery agian about
4 months later. During the second surgery, she contracted staph
infection. Her immune system had been depleted by her leukemia
and she was unable to heal.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of temporal existance
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't want to accept it; I thought I could bring her back by will.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my great-grandmother, whom I adored, passed
away after a breif illness when she was 77.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how nobody knew what to do, how to organize and get in touch with
the rest of the family, since that was what she always did.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It's only a passage, a moment of separation in eternity.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
To tell the people I care for that I love them right now.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I'm not sure yet. Sometimes religion helps, sometimes talking
to her as if she were still here. At first, ignoring the fact of
death was extremely comforting.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
guilt that I avoided her as she got more ill; even though I was
there at the end, I don't know that she was aware of it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
being near. She wanted her family with all the time.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she didn't recover after the second surgery, and I was sure that
she could if she tried, even though I was old enough to know better.
I knew that she wouldn't get well, but I was determined that somehow
she could, and it was her fault that she didn't
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughing was a way of saying "screw you" to death and God, kind of
asserting that I wasn't scared, even though everyone around was.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk to her on the last day, instead of walking away.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we left the cemetery before the grave was closed. I never heard the
earth falling on the coffin; for all I know, it was never lowered.
I wish I had that closure.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize I've gone a while without missing her. Then I feel guilty.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would probably still be attending the first college I went to
after her death. As it was, it was just too far from home and
I had to leave. I would have stayed on track and probably not
started some of my unhealthy activities.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
every time I see an older person, or here about the death of
someone's elderly relative.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
know that she's waiting for us.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
dented a bathroom stall in the hospital during a tantrum.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Fierce anger. If she had been diagnosed earlier...if the doctor
was more attentive...if there was a cure...
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
For my family, church helped a lot. For me, organized religion
became a shell. I've read a lot on my own and discovered my own
beliefs (which aren't very different from what I grew up with),
but the act of being with a mass of people horrified me.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was raised Southern Baptist. I am now non-denominational
Christian, but have experimented with paganism and have studied
Kabbalah, Buddhism, Santeria, Taoism, etc...
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like emptiness and loss.
--Regarding MONEY:
my mother took over my grandfather's finances.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my family seemed grateful for the support of friends. I'm pretty
hazy about everything in those first few days; I can't even remember
who was there.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
People saying they were sorry, and I was so out of it I had no idea
what they were sorry for.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I'm still kind of in the guilt and anger stage, but I seem to have
passed denial.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I was very angry when I realized that she wasn't recovering, and to
protect myself, I avoided her, even on the last day of her life.
I can't think of a way to resolve that.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope to say htat I'm sorry, and to hear that she's with
God and out of pain.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I ought to have a living will, but I don't. I don't want to be a
vegetable, but I do want someone to try to revive me if there's a
chance I'll be OK.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I no longer worry much about my own death, but I am very concerned
about growing old and infirm. If I knew I were to die soon,
I would wonder about what I might have done if I'd lived longer,
and try to do everything I never got around to yet.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Whenever I return home, I go to the river where she used to paint
and pick wildflowers if they're in bloom to put on her grave.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Alcohol
Avoiding the issue didn't help either
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I was able to clarify some feelings, especially through the question
about a small thing which seemed important to me. I realized that
the finality of death still is hard for me to grasp.
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Sat Mar 13 10:11:25 1999
F29 in Lake Charles, LA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 4 ago.
Cause of Death: pnuemonia (old age); Aged: 84.
--Details:
It was my great uncle. He had been in bad health for some time.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Ending. The closed door, behind which we don't know. The cessation
where life stops and nothing exists.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
When my grandmother died, the reality of death hit me. I was 6.
I went through the sitting and visiting with aplomb, but when we
went to the funeral proper it hit me that I would never see my
grandmother again. It was final and forever and she was gone and
there was nothing I could do about it. I screamed and kicked and
cried and nothing would comfort me. A stranger took me outside
to distract me, and tried to talk to me, but nothing would make me
feel better. I knew she was gone. I knew.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I don't remember the first time I had my
first experience with death. My father is a minister who gave many
funeral messages. I also belong to a large, extended Southern family.
When there was a death, everyone was expected to be in attendance,
even young children and babies in arm.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The sense of loss. That he was not anymore and nothing could bring
that back.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
My husband never went to a funeral before his father's funeral.
Most of my friends are the same way. I think too many people in
our culture don't expose their children to death, to the deaths
of those around them. Some people tell me that bringing children,
especially young children, to a funeral is a morbid. I don't think
so. I think it's a part of life that they should be exposed to.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The sense that they were no more. That I would never see them,
hear them. That their existence was ended and the person that they
were was no more here.
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Everytime someone I know dies, I think how short and special life is.
That we only get a few years and no chance to re-do. That I must
make every moment count.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
A dear friend of our family's died when I was in jr. high. I and
her granddaughter took the food from the after funeral meal and
went to a spare bedroom, sat around with our hose and shoes off
and laughed and laughed and laughed. We both knew we were laughing
because it was easier than crying and kept us from crying, because
it was absurd. All of it. Life ending and the reactions of the
adults around us and everything.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That someone dies young, dreams unfulfilled, unrealized.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cry. I face it and try to keep the memory of that person clear in
my mind and not let it become fuzzy.
--Religious Affiliation:
Episcopal
--Regarding MONEY:
When my father-in-law died, I realized for the first time just how
much a funeral costs. I have 14 plots in the family cemetary and my
in-laws have plots in their church cemetary, but still. Caskets and
use of the hearse and enbalming and on and on. What's the point
just to put someone in the ground? I wish we didn't have to pay
for all these things just to toss it into the ground. I know that
when anyone I love dies, I'll put my chin up and pay every penny,
but it's just such an extravagant ritual that makes no difference.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How much money is always spent on flowers that stand out alone in
a cemetary.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
After my grandfather died when I was in jr. high, I and my brother
both had sensations of my grandfather still being on his farm.
My brother saw my grandfather sitting out in the barkyard where he
always sat, and we both sensed him in the house. I can't say how
we sensed him. We just *knew* he was there.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Death just *was*. I didn't think about it as a child. It was just
something that happened, like everything else in the world.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
When I was 8 I stopped believing in an afterlife. Since then, that
has been the hardest part of dealing with death--the knowledge that
everything ends, that it is no more. The loss of consciousness,
of not being is what bothers me about death.
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Fri Mar 12 20:32:51 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: accidental death- unknown; Aged: 11.
--Details:
Death can tear a family apart or bring them closer together. At first
our family was in denial, then spoke about it at uncomfortable times,
and now is only brought up on certain occasions. Having the youngest
of the family pass away makes the entire family feel much older,
too, as well as not being whole.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When someone can no longer make physical contact with another,
and their body gives out on them. They are not with us physically,
but because we have memories of them, they are mentally with us
as long as we remember them. Everyone will eventually die because
our bodies can only hold us for a certain amount of time- our
lifetime. Each person's lifetime differs from the next.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young and only remember comforting my relatives by acting like
a cute little kid. As I get older I realize I still want to comfort
people in that way, but I need to be true to my emotions at the same
time. Many times being honest is the best way of comforting someone.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...an old great aunt died when I was around 5
years old. I can still remember visiting her in the hospital to
this day. After she died I comforted my relatives by being hope in
being young.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I felt very confused. My family didn't feel like my family,
my friends didn't feel like my friends, and my life didn't feel
like my life. What I really needed to do was take a step back from
everything and just observe everything to make them more clear in
my mind. And slowly, everything relative to me and my life felt
even closer to me than before the death.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
There is not always a reason why. Not everyone dies for a reason,
and in the opposite direction, not everyone dies without a reason. We
are here to live our lives and our touched and affected by many
others at the same time, but life has its ups and downs, including
gains and losses. We need to move on without wondering why certain
things happen.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death can bring people together. Although I've lost loved ones,
through their passing I've gotten to know their loved ones and
become friends with them. That and people who you are already close
to you become even closer to.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
It used to be relating to people, but now I write everything
down. After reading over what I've written down I realize what I'm
actually feeling and how it can be helped.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Being around people who were not involved in the Death at all,
and did not know how to react towards me. It's a very uncomfortable
feeling which can sometimes make you feel even worse.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Memories are the best gift from life because not only do you know
about people that are with you now, but in the past who left before
you. Also the people who are still alive today have the same gifts
which they will pass onto others.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have dealt with the death by thinking about him not as someone
who's dead, but the memory of him while he was alive.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
A couple months later when it actually hit me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
People can get the urge to want to change their emotions when
the same types have been in control for a long period of time,
and letting go is the best reliever.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
We always wish we could've said more to that person or spent more
time with them, but then it would not have been reality. The past
is past. You cannot change it.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be strong for others. I stayed with my relatives the first night
at the hospital all night, and even went to school the next couple
of days.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
So many people came to the showing and knew all of ( the family).
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Eating.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a song that we played in the hospital while he died.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why have I had to deal with so much tragedy at such a young age?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
gave myself time to think about it, and to let it sink in.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
not asking why- there isn't always a reason for everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
doesn't seem real- the time seems forzen
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Fri Mar 12 17:20:47 1999
M43 in Redmond, Oregon =USA=
Name: Carrol Underwood
Email: <underwud-at-bendnet.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Nursing Student
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Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Joseph Campbell
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Wife, 18yrs ago.
Cause of Death: rape/murder; Aged: 25.
--Details:
She was raped and killed by a "friend" of ours. A black man
(we are white). All the evidence was too circumstantial for a
conviction so he went free. the authorities wondered why I didn't
"just take care of it myself"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of physical existence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wondered what really happened to them after they were dead
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I had heard of people dying before , but my
friend Wally was killed in a train/auto accident. Guess which one
he was in.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how it toatally changed me. I became more aware of how fleeting a
lifetime can be. I love more intensely. I treat each moment with
those I love as if it were the last time I would ever see them.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
What happens after you die is of no importance. It is what you do
with your time alive that counts. If there is a tpye of "life"
after death, it is so far beyond our comprehension that it is
meaningless to a living person. The transformation that death
brings to whatever the Soul is, is an existence unto itself that
has no bearing on current life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The person I became as a result of my wife's death. I was definitely
made stronger. I don't fear anything. . . especially dying.
I'm in no hurry for it to occur, you understand, but when it
comes... it comes.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
alcohol, drugs and time alone to process all I was feeling
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
guilt for not being at home when she was killed. And the number
of people I hurt as a result of my grieving.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listen. A dying person is probably more interested in putting
together and processing THEIR last thoughts. Agree with everything
they say.
--[My Wife's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
believe that there is no one way to cope or grieve. It is as
individual as the life lost. It depends on the relationship of
course, but each person has to do it their own way, for as long as
it takes. It took me a total of seven years.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Well, right after it happened. I was dumbfounded. I now understand
that that type of shock is common, but that's when I felt most
helpless. Empty.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I realized that I was grieving more out of selfishness...that she
was no longer in my life to make it happy, nice, etc... than I
was about her dying. Love is the most selfish emotion of all...a
perfect imperfection.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time sober. Where drinking was definitely my crutch.
It slowed the process of grieving tremendously.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
move around like I did. I didn't have to stay in one place too
long and was able to do my processing in a number of places, around
a number of people.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
talking about the way she died. I got an almost morbid pleasure
in telling the story. It was weird.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about losing my current wife. Will I go to pieces again?
Am I strong enough to weather it all again?
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My life NOW is better that I ever imagined it could be. If she
hadn't died I would not have the children I have now, nor the wife
I have now. I am happier than I deserve. I know it sounds crass,
but where I'nm not GLAD she died. I truly beleve that my life is
better than it would have been had she lived.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I never thought that. I did however feel vindicated in my belief
that IF there is a god, he's a bloodthirsty bastard.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Nope. It's no longer hard to deal with. It was long ago. Aside
from the questions about what happens after you die.... theres no
real bad feelings
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
started a battle with myself that lasted (as I said before)
7 years. I was worthless. It was necessary for me to get down
to the core of who I believed myself to be and begin rebuilding.
Throwing away the bad stuff, and reusing the good. Much in the
way that in rebuilding a burned down house, there may be bits and
pieces that withstood the fire and are still usable.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
It was beyond a medical situation. She was murdered.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing to me. She however was a "Christmas Catholic".
--Religious Affiliation:
Studied many of them. I found them lacking
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
unnecessay. I doesn't matter what happens after you're dead.
I think it is just wishful thinking on the part of a species that
thinks it is more importnat than it is. You know, sort of like
"I'm too damned important to just be gone. There has to be some
part of ME that transcends death." I don't need that assurance to
have meaning in my life.
--Regarding MONEY:
it didn't matter.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was so fucking mad. I took her back to her family for burying.
They were Catholics. They didn't recognize the fact that we
were married because it was a Justice of the Peace instead of
a priest. They weren't event gooing to let ber be buried in the
churchyard. That is until I told the priest that if they didn't
get off their religious high horse I was going to take her body
down to the nearest creatorium and do it my way. Needless to say
they relented. I didn't have god on my side I guess, but the law
was behind me. Heh. Heh.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How much pomp and circumstance everyone at the funeral gave her
death, when in her lifetime most of them (her family) hadn't
been very nice to her (according to her point of view, anyway).
They were pretty vicious.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
It was a "surprise death" as it were.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
there were so many aspects to deal with that it took a great deal of
time to get through them one at a time. The fact that I did take
the time to separate them and deal with them one by one resulted
in the fact that I'm so comfortable with the situation now.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
At the time I wanted her to be here soooo badly that I saw her
everywhere. In dreams, in crowds, everywhere. I realize now that
it was more my "conjuring" her than an actual visitation.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Nothing to say here.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
None. The love of my family and what few friends I have is plenty
to sustain me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'm sorry that the last few moments of your life were so terrible.
I know that If I'd been home you would not have had to suffer that.
I hope that if there is another realm of life after this one that
you are happy. Thank you for the time that you allowed me to share
with you.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I used to see her face everywhere. It was more disturbing than
comforting. It doesn't happen anymore.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't care what happens to my remains. Funerals are for the
living. Whatever my loved ones need to do to make it easy on
themselves is fine by me. But.... I DON'T want a big expensive
fuss made over me dying. You can morn anywhere, right, so use the
money and go somewhere cool. Like Australia... or Scotland.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
So what! I'm in no hurry to die. I like my life. When it's
over.... it's over. Any time I spend on worrying about what happens
after I die is wasted time as far s I'm concerned.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I drank. And Drank. And drank. Then I thought. and thought.
and thought.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Like before, I appreciate people more. You never know when they'll
be gone.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
One woman in particular. She knew my wife. We became better friends
and lovers. She was of immeasurable help to me. I've not seen
her in years, but I still love her for what she was to and for me
at the time.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I never thought about trying to understand it until later in life
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Books I read
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I didn't. Like I said I was very selfish.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was interesting. I hope that my rambling is of some use to you.
I would be interested in a few words FROM YOU in response to my
answers. If that is convenient.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Nope!
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Fri Mar 12 09:40:28 1999
M18 in merville, bc =canada=
Email: <05468-at-vanier.sd71.bc.ca>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: highschool upgrade of math/eng
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 0yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 10-12.
--Details:
dont really want to think about it
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
unknown hell. feared, "excuse me alien, mabye you can give us
some insight"
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
got mad that i didnt know them/treat them better
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...great uncle died of cancer. didnt know him
well but i was named after him and i liked him so it was a bit
wierd to deal with. family was all upset
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
me being very upset
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to stop it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that it put him out of misery
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends support
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
parents complaining about the cost.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be cheerful, think of the good times.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i couldnt think of how i should react
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
nope. not funny. just sucks.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
nobody talks about it
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
.......
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
thinking bout it, think i see him, see somthing of his, etc.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
treat em better,
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
yup.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
disapear
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was angry.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
disgust
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
nil
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
false
--Regarding MONEY:
thats all they cared about. i dont get it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
n/a
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that it was a surprise
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
unhappy, in pain, depression.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
upset and angry
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
....n/a
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
..n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
nobody, i could have been better before. death likes hindsight.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
tell them i love them, tell them im sorry i didnt do better.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
n/a
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
make sure i know who gets my posessions. keep a will. i guess you
can never be to young for a will.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
time to start doing everything i want to, now. i think morals would
quickly change, or grow stronger. sort of puts all the things you
want to do in perspective.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i havnt learned to cope yet
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Rage
not thinking about it
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
casual interest.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
ask : "if you could find out your exact time of death, would you?"
Suggested Enhancements: Links to:
www.deathclock.com
or
www.deathwatch.com
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Mar 12 09:40:09 1999
M18 in janesville, wisconsin =usa=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
through lycoss
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Prof/Studies: student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
entering the sumerland
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 32.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the body stops functuning and the conciousness of theat person
floats off somewhere
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was dumbfounded and releived that it was not worse
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandma and my uncle dide in the
same 2 month peroid
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
standing around at the wake
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is a release
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
ti drew my family closer together
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my religon class in middle school
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing others cry
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let anyone cry on your sholder
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
looked at it completely arbitrarialy
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
just before my parents told us
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
forge a better relationship with him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be a source of strength for my family
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
proper burial
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
not much
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that i couldent know him better
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was greatfull for the relationship i forged with him before he died
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
incompetence
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
unneccesarty restrictions on the greving process
--Religious Affiliation:
wiccan/catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
vast and nameless but always there
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
angering and annoying
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
viewing the body
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it went fast
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i became pagan
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Mar 12 04:19:31 1999
F18 in Bakersfield, California =USA=
Name: Sarah Marie Pippinger
Email: <deztiny_99-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
quizes
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Prof/Studies: Music major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, a couple months ago.
Cause of Death: smoking; Aged: -at-80.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
My Grandpa passed
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everything spinning...
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is not the end, but the begining of eternal life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I will see them all in heaven.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my music.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
relizing they were realy gone. It sometimes just seems like there
on vacation, and I guess go into denile, think if I go to there home,
they will be there, than relizing there not there.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
someone is ok 1 day than the next can be deaftly sick.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say good bye.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a certian song that reminds me of them, and what hapened.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be with my family. I have lost six people in my family in
the last year and a half.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Dissapear. Live in the shadows. In the night forever.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went into denile and depression.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A lot.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian as of jan.98 a morman
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
everyone who believes christ is there lord and savior, and obeys
his laws will spend eternity with him in heaven.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
More people showed up than we thought. It meant a lot to us.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Even though I know she knows I would like to tell her how much I
live her.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell them how much I love them. And I would just hold them.
Silence sais 1000 words.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I recently married my best friend. He helped me a lot.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Music
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me remember...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Mar 12 00:36:24 1999
F37 in Antioch, CA =USA=
Name: Cindy
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 2 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: complications from diabetes; Aged: 68.
--Details:
Relative was my mother in law. She had been quite ill and in need of
care 24 hrs a day, since her leg removal in 1994. She lived with
us (my husband, myself and 3 daughters) and I was here primary
care giver.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
..... a journey. A moving of your soul from one state of being
(our physical body) to our eternal resting place with our father
and creator. Death does not need to be feared, it is a natural part
of living.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked that someone so young and full of life could die so
suddenly. Just be here one day and gone the next. I was in major
denial that this could happen to me or to someone I knew and loved.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... A close friend from childhood died suddenly
of a cerebral hemarrage during our sophomore year in high school.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the joy in knowing she wouldn't be in pain anymore and that her
suffering was over. The happiness in knowing she was with the
savior ( and reunited with her husband who proceeded her in death
12 yrs before)
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Its a part of living. How could we live if there was no death?
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the assurance of my faith in God and his promises. And that she knew
where she was going and who would be on the other side to meet her.
She smiled right before she took her last breath and said "Its so
beautiful". It was a very emotional moment for us all.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family and their faith in life after death. As well as my pastor's
prayers with us.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Was to see my 3 daughters then, 14,13, & 10 experience death so close
to them at their tender ages. But it has helped their perseption
of death and to not fear it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them know that they are loved and that they will never be
alone. Once my mother in law was "terminal", we moved her from the
hospital to her sister's home, where we kept vigel with her. Someone
was there to hold her hand 24 hrs a day. We read to her, sung to
her, cried for her and let her go when God decided her time to come
home. A dozen or so family members put our lives and jobs on hold,
slept on floors while keeping vigel, took rotations in pairs of
2 to cook, clean, sleep and care for our loved one, so she would
never be alone. In this we all helped prepare her for her journey
was well as helped ourselves learn to let go.
--[My relative's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Sang to her, thanked her for the impact she had on my life and for
the wonderful son she gave birth to (my husband). For the special
Grandmother she was to my children and her example of her love for
our father in heaven to them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Never. Through my faith in God, I was certain of his hand in her
life. That he would call her home at the moment he had planned.
As he plans our lives, so also he plans our return home.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
We recalled old family stories and read personal cards and messages
sent to her, most were very light, funny and reminsent of her
life. We laughed when something was funny, we all kept our sense
of humor even though we were stuffed in this small house together,
12 adults and kids of various ages. We continued to live as she
would want us to.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her more of how I appreciated her, loved her and looked up
to her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there. For her, my husband and children but also for the blessings
I received in this experience.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the many people at her memorial service (which she preplanned
herself) came and told of her impact on their lives. How through
her illness she touched so many lives she might not have if she
had been healthy. How God used this amazing woman.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
to greave, to wail and cry for her death. We celebrated her life
and rejoiced with her arrival into eternity. She insisted no one
was to wear black or be sad at her memorial service. She reminded
us that absent from the body was presence with the Father.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see my children (her Grandchildren) grow and mature into lovely
young ladies and I miss sharing these moments with her.At these
times I remind myself that she is watching them from above and is
very proud.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I wonder how she would be doing, her health and who would be caring
for her.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I hardly ever think this, except when I look at both of my own
parents still with us, healthy and alive, how I have both of them
at the holidays, mother's day/father's day/birthdays and I feel
for my husband and how he must feel with both his parents gone home.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
no answer
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I had to remember that the impact of her death was felt more
profoundly by my husband then myself. That even though he believes
in God's plan for life after death, he had lost his mother, the
woman who bore him and nutured him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
total respect and love for "terminal care" or "hospice" nurses. How
special they are for the dying as well as their families.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
see above, they were wonderful!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
hope, our strength in helping her on this journey, our faith in
her destination, our assurance of our own life after death
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
natural, a part of life
--Regarding MONEY:
We all pooled our money for any expenses not covered by insurance
etc.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
see above, "how her memorial service was preplanned by her"
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
nothing
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
unable to eat or drink, calling names of loved ones who proceeded
her in death. the look of peace that overtook her
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I trusted and leaned on the bible and God's promises of life after
physical death
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she either told us directly who she could see or feel, or she would
call their name and converse with them. we though it as uplifting
and reafferming of our beliefs.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Pastor, close friend
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
nothing
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
no
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
God decides in his infinite wisdom when, where and how we are born
and also as to our death.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I do not fear my own death, I know where my soul will go after
leaving my body, my only regret would be for not doing more with
my life to help impact the world
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
to remember her happiness, the joy she gave to others.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
think I have already covered this
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Mar 11 16:59:01 1999
F21 in vale, ==
Name: michele
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 5years ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 52.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandma died i was very close to her she
had a stroke and died.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Mar 11 11:01:10 1999
F34 in Alvin, Texas =USA=
Name: Mary Beth
Email: <muffystud-at-worldnet.att.net>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
http://psych.upenn.edu/~baron/qs.html
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Prof/Studies: social worker
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
NONE
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 37.
--Details:
My ex-husband died a few months after we divorced (his choice). He
apparently had a heart attack when sitting at his desk at work.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the person no longer lives in their body. Their soul lives on
in another place.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused, upset, disbelieving and angry. I did not know how to
deal with it and my family was not very supportive.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... A friend from school was killed in a drunk
driving accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I felt like part of me had died.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death is okay and not something to be afraid of.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
when my boyfriend's husband died, he was no longer in pain and he
was in a better place.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
believing that the person who died was in a better place and was
safe. Also, viewing the body helped a lot because it helped to
finalize things.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that I was not there.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
that you treat that person just like you always had- talk normally,
etc.
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
can deal with it without falling apart and that I can offer support
to the person and the family just by being there.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I am not sure I understand this question. I was confused immediately
following the death as to what to do now.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
when my boyfriend's father was dying, we talked to him normally
and some of the times we laughed.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
really let the family know how much that person meant to me and to
show them in some special way.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be strong for the family and not fall apart in front of them.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
when my ex's family starting calling me and my lawyer about a will
hours after he was dead and they were really pushing it even though
I told them that he did not have one when we were married and there
was no way for me to know if he had one now.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember the good times we had together and that he is gone for
good. This happens even though I am remarried and much happier that
when I was married to him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If I was still with my ex, I would be miserable.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he died so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
N/A
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt faint and empty.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the medical community was great.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
hospice was the best thing that happened for my boyfriend's father
and his mother. They were very supportive throughout and continued
to be helpful when he died. They took care of a lot of arrangements
so the wife did not have to. They were there when he died.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
believing that he was in a better place and having the support of
our church community.
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist-current/Catholic-past
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
not right.
--Regarding MONEY:
there was no will and others were trying to get what they could
before the body was cold.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
seeing my ex's mother and being able to give her a little support
and vice-versa. I was also angry because the woman he left me for
was there, but I also felt a little smug because his family did
not acknowledge her.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
being mad that I was not still married to my ex because I left a
lot of things behind when we divorced and I wanted them back.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I don't know.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I stayed in denial until after it was over at which time, I
accepted it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have no awareness of anything like this.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
N/A
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I never got to resolve my anger at my ex. I have dealt with them
through talk therapy.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to hear from my ex why he treated me the way he did
and why he thought I was worth so little.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
N/A
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It is very important to have a living will so that if you do not
want to be kept alive by machines, your dr. will respect your
wishes. The family might agree to that in the beginning, but when
you are actually dying, they may change their minds and decide they
want to keep you alive at any cost. The dying person's wishes should
always be followed.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have tried to commit suicide a few times because I wanted to
die. I no longer want to die, but I am not afraid of dying anymore.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
N/A
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
N/A
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
NO
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
I also cried a lot at weird times- like during a swim meet while
I was racing.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
Family would not talk about it.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I am in a helping profession so I always had others to help and that
always helped me forget myself for a while, which is very helpful. I
wish that when my ex died, more people had recognized that, even
though we divorced, his death still affected me greatly. His mother
was the only one who really saw that.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It did not really make me rethink, but made me actually think about
these issues- it is not something I think about all the time.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Mar 11 00:09:15 1999
Anonymous Guest
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 18.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The cessation of all bodily functions, the end of being, both
physically and on a mental level.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to fully comprehend the situation.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandfather had a severe stroke ot the
dining room table. I was sitting there, along with the rest of
the family.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Beating the tar out of a mutual enemy the night of the funeral.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That its permanent, its inevitable, and it should be an acceptable
part of our lives. Not some strange phenomina that we occasionally
stumble across, not something that takes place out of sight, and
not something that has to be hidden as though it was an embarrisment.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The death of a friend of mine who was dying slowlyfrom bone cancer.
This ended years of suffering, and finally brought peace.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The companionship of friends, good food, and good drink. (Basically
the entire wake setup)
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
coming to the realization that the person lying in the bed in front
of me was now no longer breathing, pumping blood, or thinking
of anything.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't take up drinking when its done.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized that a person I had been talking to less than three hours
prior, who was in good health and spirits, was now no longer living.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
its a natural reaction to a traumatic event. There are a lot of
hormones released when a person is under stress. (Endorphins and
such) Some of these can cause a sort of giddy feeling, laughing
is also good for the soul.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye in some cases, and end the suffering sooner in others.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
keep it together during the funeral and wake.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I realized that all the men were wearing sunglasses at the funeral.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
seeking help from outside the family or group to deal with an
internal problem such as grief.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I want to get back at the person responsible, and there isn't one.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
started drinking heavily.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
shock at the dishonesty surrounding the subject of death, and the
fact that the dead are hidden from view.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
Created my own.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the fact that the only people sober were the priest and the
undertaker.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the burial.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
It was some time before I discovered the drink.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Mar 9 19:35:20 1999
F37 in Jackson, Michigan ==
Name: Diane
Email: <DE2920-at-aol.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Professional Nanny
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
How to Survive the loss of a Parent, " A Time to Grieve", Mother
Loss workbook
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: heart disease; Aged: 64.
--Details:
My Mom died after a 5 year battle to survive heart disease and up
until the very end didn't believe she was going to die.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our lives in our bodies, and the beginning of our lives
as pure spiritual energy.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too little to understand what death meant. I didn't know
you could never see the person again. I too this day regret not
saying goodbye.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My Grandmother died when I was 5 years old.
she and I were very close, but because I was so young, no one
told me she had died, and I was not allowed to go to the funeral.
I remember being very upset that I did not get to see her ever
again or to say goodbye.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the lonliness, the getting used to having so much free time on
my hands, without having to help my Mom, and not feeling attached
to anyone.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how much of an impact death has on a person, and how long it can
take to begin to recover from it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Learning to appreciate every day I had with my Mom, all the precious
memories we made together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to others in a group who understood how terrible grief is,
and to a therapist who could listen to all my fantasies, thoughts
dreams and feelings, without feeling threatened by my tears, anger
or any thing else.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Learning to accept that I am totally alone now. I have no close
family that truly cares, and that the rest of my life will be spent
coping with that,such as during the holidays, and birthdays.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to stay calm, to touch them, to cry if I needed too and to not let
them go alone.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to accept help when I needed it, to stand on my own when
I needed to, and to reach out to others in my dispair.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I could not accept the reality of her really dying after all we
had been through to save her.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there, for her to understand me that I never left her alone
to die.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get through the funeral, and cleaning out her apartment when I had
to so quickly after her death. It was very difficult,and I didn't
think I could do it but I did.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember those last months after I had worked 7 days a week
16 hour days to support us both. Kept so close a track of her
eating, excersizing, and trying to do everything to save her ,
she died anyway.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go crazy, be put in a hospital ward and be taken care of for a
long time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt, like dying too.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
compassion, caring, and committment to my Mom and me.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
a positive one both before and after my Moms death. They have been
very supportive.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
my sister became crazy in her hatred of me because I was put in
charge by my Mom of finances.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How many people cared about my Mom and me.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the visitation. Sitting in a room with my Moms dead body there
while others came and stared at her, talked to me and walked out
uncomfortable.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it takes time time time, to not try to stuff, or deny or pretend
the feelings away. Most important, I think we need more support
in the work place for those who are grieving. Three days off was
no time to even begin to pull yourself together.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would say I love her ,I will always remember her, I miss her.
She would say I love you, I will always be here for you, and you
will never be all alone.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I light candles in memory of my Mom, I wear her Mothers ring around
my neck in rememberance of all she was to me, and I try to help
others get through it now that I have a little time behind me. '
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I belong to a grief list support group which I continue to try
to help on, I went to Hospice run support groups, and I try to
listen whenever someone needs to talk of dying, or of the death of
a loved one.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought up tears, yet consolidated some things that have been
lurking in my mind. I think it is good to let people be honest
with their experiences and should be published for all to see.
Enhancements: http://www.griefnet.org
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Tue Mar 9 09:07:26 1999
F21 in whitewater, wisconsin =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 12 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: pneumonia; Aged: 72.
--Details:
She was in the hospital with heart problems and was released to a
nursing home-like hospital to fully recover and it was there that
she caught pneumonia and was sent back to the hospital and died.
I remember visiting her at that nursing home type place and seeing
how healthy she was getting and how she was ready to go home.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
all parts of your body's internal organs and systems stop working
and you stop breathing, your heart stops beating.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasn't exactly sure what it meant because I was young but I was
told that they would never be coming back to visit me. I was sad,
lonely, and confused.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was a close family member who had died
after a long battle with an illness but had recently seemed to be
getting better.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How quiet and guarded everyone became at the funeral. Only a
few people were willing to talk about her and tell stories about
her life.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to relate to others around you and how to explain death to
children
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Having my dog to talk to, cry on, and to sit with when I became
lonely and sad. My dog never complained or was too busy with
other things. My dog always had time for me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never being able to see that person, being able to tell that person
how much you cared about them, and being able to say good-bye
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I was walking into the same grocery store my grandmother and I had
walked into together since I was a baby and, about 5 years after
she had died,walking up to the door in the reflection in the glass
was my grandmother behind me smiling.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
on the night of the funeral, I will stay up late at night sitting in
a dark room and I will talk to that person as if they are actually
there with me and I talk about everything I wished I could when
they were still there and I hope that they are listening to me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
It's easier when you can look back on their life and laugh at the
good times you shared with them.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
I was young and refused to believe they were dead
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Mon Mar 8 06:13:06 1999
F17 in yarm, cleveland =UK=
Name: Katy Haworth
Email: <naughtygirluk-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: GNVQ adv. leisure and tourism
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 10 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer/stroke; Aged: 90.
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--Death Is:
upseting, a very sensitive subject for anyone to deal with.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and did not understand what was going on
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
people being upset and funerals
--What I think my (UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it happens
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
if they lead a good life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
support of friends and family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the thought that they were gone forever
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Mon Mar 8 00:29:56 1999
M26 in Jefferson City, MO =U.S.=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: journalist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 68.
--Details:
He had suffered two different heart attacks and been in and out of
the hospital for two seperate bypass surgeries. He had been home only
one day the second time when he went in his sleep. My grandmother
said they had just laid down to go to sleep and he made an odd sound
and was gone. There was nothing anybody could do. The ambulance
came, but he was pretty much already gone. I had just gone back to
college after coming home and seeing him in the hospital, when my
mom called and told me to come back home and bring my suit. They had
him hooked up to some machines for about a day before we decided to
let him go, because he wasn't coming back. I know a lot of people
are close to their grandparents, but these two practically raised
me and my brother while my parents were going back to school and
working. I spent a lot of time during my early years and summers
at their house, so it was almost like losing my father.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a person is no longer alive. Their heart stops beating and
their lungs stop breathing.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was pretty young and not that close so I really didn't think about
it that much. I didn't see it as really affecting me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my step grandfather. We weren't very
close, so I didn't think about it too much. I was just trying to
be supportive for my grandmother.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Trying not to let it get to me for the sake of my grandmother.
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
We shouldn't be so selfish. It's sad to lose a loved one and you
miss them, but if the approach were more a celebration of their
life and the good memories they provided, I think it would ease the
process much more. Currently, it's almost like we expect spouses
and family to be miserable and mourn for months or even years.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I think I'm even closer with my dad since his died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
friends and time alone. I was raised to be fairly independent and
it took time for me to come to terms with it on my own.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
actually dealing with my grieving grandmother.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
when it's time for them to go they will. Until then, they have
something to offer and could be the smallest nugget of wisdom or
insight, but if you're not there you won't receive their parting
gift.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
came to realize how short this life really is and try to make the
most out of every day.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It's good and normal. I think it was in thinking about a humorous
moment with that person which solidfies those positive memories.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk more with him when I was older and could understand his
wisdom. He took a lot of knowledge with him.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The whole ceremony. For me it did nothing. I looked at the body
because everyone said I needed to to say goodbye. And, being family,
shook a lot of hands. But I knew he was dead and that I didn't need
to see the body there to reaffirm that. Even though my grandparents
raised me in a religious house, I had already drifted from a lot of
that. So the funeral seemed to be for everyone else. I just wanted
time alone to reflect and be with the immediate family and talk
about the good times.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear the National Anthem or anything really patriotic.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Probably not that much different. I would just have more memories
of my grandfather.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried. It was at the funeral and they started playing
TAPS. My grandfather had been in WWII and served in the army after
his return and raised my dad (who is in the National Guard) and
his grandchildren to be very patriotic. The bugle and 21-gun salute
really made it hit home and I broke down. Even now when I hear the
National Anthem, I often think of him and his sacrifices.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I thought they were very respectful and did everything in their
power. I hold no grudges toward them.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
It meant more to my grandmother. But the odd thing was, they were
very devote in the beliefs which talk about the fairly typical
Christian version of heaven. But, being Mormon, you also believe that
you are wed/sealed to that person for eternity. You would think that
belief would ease the process, but my grandmother is still not over
his death. Overall, I think her friends at the church helped her,
but as far as I'm concerned it was not much of a factor.
--Religious Affiliation:
Mormon
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
That we are all connected in life and death. It's all one.
--Regarding MONEY:
It was not an issue
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was kind of pissed at all these people. It was like they were
infringing on something that I have should have more right to as a
family member. And, I still felt that it wasn't all necessary. Much
too much tradition and ceremony crap.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
At first I didn't even want to visit him in the hospital. Partly
because I didn't want those to be my final memories. But you become
used to seeing them there and I knew he would not be around long,
so I just wanted as many nuggest of insight as I could get.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
just to hear them say that they have no regrets and lived a loving
and rewarding life and are ready for whatever is around the corner
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have instructed those that need to know to buy a keg and take
my ashes and bury them by a tree and then everyone get drunk and
laugh about all the stupid things I used to do.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I wax and wane admitting my own mortality. I'm not sure what I
think about it right now. I just know I've told a lot of people
not to mourn. I want them to throw a party ^× a remembering party.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
At the burial, they had a 21-gun salute. My dad, brother and myself
each got a shell. I carried it everyday for a long time to remind
me of him.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
nope
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I don't think it was useful to me.
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Sat Mar 6 22:54:52 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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More personal info:
i think grieving a suicide is very different to grieving other forms
of death. maybe you can look into that. i found suicide devastating
at a scale i never want to see clean up after or experience again
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
mans search for meaning / the accidental tourist
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
- victor e frankle
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2.75 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: mid 40s.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
irreversible loss of someone
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
withdrew into myself
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...foster mum died of cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
a whole time period blanked out of my memory the following couple
of months after
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
the physicality of death and the after affects of suicide
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it made me think more deeply about life and what i want from it
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
art
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
guilty feelings + coping with rage
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
they know your there even if you don't think they can
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
after the event-what else could have been done?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i have a better ability to laugh in the face of darkness than i
do in normal every day life. i have a black sense of humour as a
coping mechanism
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye hug them tell them once more i loved them
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i dream about them
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it would be completely different. i would like some parental support
but i also KNOW that i am strong and capable of taking my life
where i want it
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
of course
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
walk away
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they're all completely incompetant
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
contempt for the doctors and concern at the overworked tiredness
of the nurses who held lives in their hands
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
hypocracy. organized religion offers me nothing i want
--Religious Affiliation:
roman catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true and transcendental. it surpasses time and place and all
doctrinaire religious teaching
--Regarding MONEY:
family brawls and in fighting. it brought out the worst in anyone
who stood anything to "gain"
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the judgemental nature of people there. the fact that people who
openly bitched and moaned about her turned up but never visited
her in life. it seemed more a performance for other mourners than
actually being there to say goodbye to the person who had gone
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when the mind goes.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
there is no right way to grieve and you can't make it hurry up and
go. it plays itself out in its own time as you grow and come to
terms with it. it is a multifaceted process
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i wish i had that choice all over again
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
it has always been to resolve something
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
respect the person who is dying. you won't have the opportunity to
shortly anyway. it won't kill you but not doing it can cause the
dying person anguish which can hasten it anyway. it is the ultimate
in selfishness. however they still have to be coherant
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
it will happen when it is meant to. that depends on a lot of
things. it is not a purely fated deadline
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
on christmas day i burn two candles for each of them in little
oriental holders. i also burn joss sticks in them that i
inherited. it's my way of remembering them and putting them on
equal-but-unique ground
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
many of my friends have had similar experiences. it's a natural
bonding area
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
nearly all in the list
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
the questions are too wordy. the shitty thing about death is people
never get to the point, they always tip toe around to be nice. Death
and grief is not nice to begin with
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
it was pretty thorough.
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Sat Mar 6 21:41:57 1999
F35 in Santa Monice, CA =U.S.A.=
Name: Sue
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Teacher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: aneurism; Aged: 88.
--Details:
She had come to visit me on the west coast a few months before her
death. She talked alot about death saying it would soon be time
for her. She had never done this before.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life as we know it. Everything stops. You no longer have
thoughts or feelings. I believe death is not painful emotionally
to the person dying, but very painful to those left behind.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I cried. I felt lost. I thought the day would never end. I blocked
it out and tried not to think about it until I could without crying.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my Grandfather died when I was nine. I was
playing checkers with my stepfather when the phone rang and my
mother told me my paternal grandfather died. Her voice sounded
phony and insincere like she didn't really care (my parents were
divorced). He had been sick for some time with cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling happy that it was quick. Feeling sad that my Grandmother had
not seen our new house. I had often called her as we went through
the emotional steps of purchasing our first home.
--What I think my (U.S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is final. There is no afterlife. Live each day to its
fullest. Appreciate those around you for they may not be there
tomorrow.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The memories I have, the special times I spent with that person. The
things I learned from him/her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Being able to say goodbye by myself in my own special way. Knowing
that that person, no matter where their body may lie, is always
with me, in what I have learned from them. They will always be a
part of me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The loneliness.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Hold their hand. Smile.Remind them you love them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Never. She was old. I was sad that I couldn't be there when she
passed away.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was my way of dealing with it. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't
help it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
call her one last time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have such a great relationship with my grandmother.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I saw my Grandmother's body. When I saw my dog's body, etc. It
sounds so morbid, but it is a moment when you can sort of say
goodbye. I also thought, this isn't her...she's somewhere else,
somewhere inside me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
visiting the gravesite. I think it's important to make sure
everything is in order. However, I really don't believe that
they're there. It's just a place. They are whereever you are,
in your memories, in your lessons of life.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of something happening to my children or my husband. I can't
imagine surviving the grief of someone so young dying. I have been
lucky in that the people who have died who are close to me are old
and have had a good, long, life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when young children die. For example, that boy in England who was
abducted by 2 youth, beaten up and left for dead, then decapitated
by a train. I couldn't sleep comfortable for a long time thinking
about the grief the parents must be going through. I don't think
life could ever be the same if you lost a young child.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. I lashed out at my mother even though she paid for my flight
home. she had arranged for the funeral home to allow me to see the
body even though my flight had been arranged so late. I wanted to
say goodbye to her alone, but my Mother wouldn't let me be with
her body alone. I felt very angry about this.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
having a funeral service. Really, there aren't many alternatives are
there? Even for non-religious people, it's still away that families
and friends can get together and come to terms with their grief.
--Religious Affiliation:
Currently, I would say I am not a religious person at all. I was
brought up Anglican and went to Sunday School faithfully. I have
been baptized and confirmed. I was married in the Catholic Church,
but my family and I do not attend church.
--Regarding MONEY:
As soon as my Grandmother died, my mother couldn't wait to tell me
how much money she had left. My great grandmother recently died,
and my mother is all over her money as well. It's as if she expects
this. She always talks about what she will leave us. I would rather
have her for as long as possible. I wish she would spend and enjoy
her money herself.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
All of the dreams I had afterword of the person visiting me to make
sure I was o.k. I could never talk to her, but she would walk by
my house and wave.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
It seems that ageing people start to talk about death alot.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Get through the funeral, etc. Afterword, I spend time by myself
reminiscing, I still do!
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I wasn't dying, but I thought I might die when I was in Kuwait. I
felt pretty sure about it. At first I panicked, and then I though
about all of the good things that I have done in my lifetime and from
then on, I knew death would be o.k. I no longer fear death. I have
tried to share this with friends, but they really can't understand.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I wouldn't say anything different. I always shared my feelings with
my Grandmother so I have no regrets. It has made me think more of
being more open and caring toward my parents so that when they pass,
I won't feel any regrets either.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I was upset that my Grandmother did not get to see our new house
before she died. Soon after, I had a dream. In my dream I was doing
the dishes, looking out the window. There was a walking path out the
window and my grandmother and her friend(who had also passed away
that year) were walking along the path. My Grandmother was saying
to her friend,"I know her house is around her somewhere. Oh, look,
there it is." Then, she waved at me and smiled. Her and her friend
kept on walking.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not afraid to die, however, I worry about how my husband and
children would manage without me. I think his world would fall
apart for awhile, emotionally. And although I'm not afraid to die,
I worry about all of things I would miss out on....grandchildren,
technology, etc.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote a letter to my Grandmother, reminding her of special times
that we had shared together, things that she had taught me. I have
save letter she wrote to me and often read them. I tell my children
about her, and although they don't remember her, they talk about
her as if they did.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Perhaps my mother and I are closer. My Grandmother and I were
very close and I shared things with her that I didn't even tell my
Mom. Perhaps now, I share more with my Mom.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
I was always afraid of dying until I experienced the feeling of
almost certain death. I lived in Kuwait when Iraq invaded. A bullet
went through our window. I felt that there was a good chance that I
wouldn't live through the crisis. It made me reflect on my life and
realize how lucky I was to have experienced what I had...education,
travel, marriage, birth....many people don't experience all of that
in an entire lifetime.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
When I think of people in my life that have passed away without me
being able to share something special with them, my heart aches and
I have to think about something else. For example, I will start
to think of my Grandmother and I'll wish that she could see how
big my boys are now and so on, and very quickly I grow very sad
knowing she will never see them again.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I think its important to let people grieve on their own, let them
know that you're there if they need you. I think it's also important
to stay in a routine, and help those suffering to stay in a routine.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me think about getting my things in order (updating wills,
etc.)
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Sat Mar 6 16:27:00 1999
F52 in Evans City, PA =USA=
Email: <turkeyess-at-juno.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
enjoy surveys/medical/psch. data
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Prof/Studies: RN
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: renal failure/diabetes; Aged: 74.
--Details:
long history of complex medical problems..uncontrolled maladies...In
my opinion, a quack of a physician
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end to existance as we now know it, but the beginning of an
eternally happy life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was curious. I didn't understand why Mr. Whiley wouldn't wake up
and play with me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...an elderly black neighbor ... he was "laid out"
in his living room
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the thought that my mother (the deceased's sister) is aging faster
than I care to realize
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's nothing to fear. That leading a good and Godly life has its
eternal rewards
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a development of inner peace....being aware that pain and suffering
is in the here and now only
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
religious convictions and those who shared their beliefs with me
(irregardless if they were the same or not)
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
walking into the funeral home and seeing the deceased in the coffin
and also, seeing the first shovel of dirt at their burial
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
put yourself in their position. Wouldn't you like your
family/friends to bith you and your loved ones at this time?
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
looked deeply at my own belief system and drew inner strength from it
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
there has to be a three day mourning/viewing period at the funeral
home
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was a stress releasor
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my aunt
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see her 1 week before she passed away
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people weren't afraid to talk about it
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
sending flowers/mass cards
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I might be left alone
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would live evryday as if it were my last. I would be thankful
for what I do have. I wouldn't sweat the small stuff.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone so young has to die (a 47 year old male)
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
pretend we all will live forever here on earth
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was frightened and thought of zombies/etc. (I was 6)
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude. Medicine is phenominal theses days!
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
N/A
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
inner peace/strength. The ability to help others who do not know
the joy of the Lord.
--Religious Affiliation:
Past: Roman Catholic Present: Protosant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
deceiving. You can't get to heaven not accepting the Lord.
--Regarding MONEY:
it created some havoc amoungst my 2 cousins. Both wanted more than
they received.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it's too long an ordeal. Too much hoopla....food, etc.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
touching the deceased in the casket.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
steady deterioration in body , mind and spirit.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
fear of the impending loss of the loved one was tremendous.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
unknown. She was comotose for 6 days.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
N/A
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
N/A
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want my Aunt to tell me she wasn't in pain and that she
was ready to die.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
N/A
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
A living will is critical! I would accept the wishes of the dying
person and that of their loved ones, but may not agree with them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think I would be in shock at first. Then I'd be angry because I
have too many unfinished things in my life. Finally, I would accept
it as the Lord's will and say my goodbyes to loved ones.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
reading the Bible
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Just that I don't fear death/dying process any more.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have had closer contact with my 2 cousins
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
fear of the unknown - esp. as a 6 year old
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I telephoned frequently...I helped with the funeral arrangements.
Any little thing is of help at a time like this.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought up some food-for-thought. I hadn't thought of death
and dying until this survey..
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
How do you view the funeral directors and their overall help or
hinderense in overcoming your loss?
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Fri Mar 5 13:29:02 1999
F17 in Mosinee, WI =US=
Email: <ajhilg-at-abprocess.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Through a search engine looking for questionnaires.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: ?.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a way of moving on to a new life. A chance for some of us to be
reborn and start our lives all over again and live them differently.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cryed and cryed for about 3 - 4 days straight and I wouldn't let
anybody near me except for my mother or father.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I really can't remember how it happened,
to tell you the truth. I guess I was too young to remember all
the details.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
asking myself why it had to be this way.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that you don't have to be afraid of death. After all, we all die
sooner or later.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I can't remember if there is anything I am grateful from someone
dying.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
when my mother would talk to me about the person now feeling better
and that their pain was over.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Can't remember exactly.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Fri Mar 5 10:28:12 1999
F39 in Dallas, TX =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo listing of Tests and Experiments
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 60.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life; ceasing to exist.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I went into a state of shock. At the time, the resulting activities
-- planning the funeral, etc. -- were just a blur. Now, I look
back and can replay it in slow motion in my mind. It was a very,
very sad time.
--That first time, how it happened was
A classmate was killed in an accident involving homemade fireworks.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my feeling of disbelief. It took quite some time for the reality
to set in. Even as I was making funeral arrangements, it just
didn't seem real. In my dreams, my mother & I would converse about
current events, etc. In fact, I consistently dreamed that she was
still alive and it was all a mistake.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to fear it. My parents shielded me from exposure to death and
I wish I had attended a funeral and experienced the process before
I had to bury my mother.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how my fiance handled the situation. He took care of notifying
all but the closest friends and handled many details I don't even
know about. He encouraged me to talk, but gave me a lot of space to
just grieve. I had no other family -- my parents were divorced and
I lost contact with my father as a teenager, I was an only child,
as was my mother, my grandparents all died before I was born, no
cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. I would have been completely lost
without my fiance. All of my friends rallied around me, though
at the time I scarcely noticed. I look back and realize how many
kind friends I truly have.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my fiance. See above.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
denial. I had a very hard time accepting it. My mother was treated
for non-Hodgkin's lymphoma for 6 months and had recently gone
into remission. Then, I arrived home one day from work to find her
hallucinating and barely conscious. They lost her in the emergency
room. I also had never attended a funeral and knew nothing of
the process and protocol. Nothing had been prearranged, and it was
very painful to go through the motions of selecting a burial plot,
casket, and other funeral details. I didn't know how to act at the
funeral (i.e., that people would personally express condolences as
in a receiving line, etc.) -- I just wanted to get away from it all.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
comfort them and let them know you love them. My mother did not know
she was dying (nor did I) when I found her. She had lucid moments
and moments where she thought I was her mother and moments where
she was talking to angels. I did my best to comfort her during
that time. When she called me her mother and held out her hand,
I held hers.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
closed our relationship. Over a series of months, I had frequent
dreams of my mother. We would discuss current events and activities
in my life, as we had when she was alive. She even would give me
advice, and sometimes we would argue. Sometimes it was unsettling,
but in the end I think I was able to resolve outstanding issues
between us and more fully appreciate her life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had to select a funeral home and plan the funeral. I think I
stayed in a fog until the funeral was over and I was back home.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
this didn't happen to me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye. Neither mom nor I thought she was going to die.
I also wish we had previously discussed funeral arrangements.
It was so hard to try to plan the funeral I thought she would want.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
remember some of Mom's wishes. Her favorite minister to conduct
the funeral service, her favorite flowers for the casket spray, her
desire for no autopsy and no embalming. I also somehow managed
to remember every person who attended the funeral and write each
a personal note of thanks.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my mother was talking to angels. It really made me think about
what happens when and after you die.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I don't know.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Mother's Day comes along, or when I participate in an activity my
mother and I enjoyed together -- such as shopping.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
This is too esoteric for me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she had just gone into remission.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
escape...maybe go away on a long vacation or completely change my
environment somehow.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
tried to resume my life. When the ER doctor first told me of
mom's death, I sobbed and sobbed in my fiance's arms. They moved
us to a waiting area for what seemed like hours. There a nurse
guided me through the process of selecting a funeral home, etc.
The next several days were a fog of funeral arrangements, and
related activities. I don't think it all really hit me until after
the funeral.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
confusion. I never felt that my mother's doctors talked to each
other. She had been very weak from a 3-week intestinal virus
that had hospitalized her, yet one week after she returned home
the oncologist felt she was strong enough for another round
of chemotherapy. I still think that is what killed her.
In retrospect, I wish that I had been much more demanding in my
communications with the doctors. I'm sure the doctors and hospital
staff thought I was a real pain in the you-know-what, but I still
don't feel that I did enough.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
not applicable.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
very little. My mother and recently become involved in a church,
and I made sure the minister of that church presided at her funeral.
He was very kind, but he did not try to counsel or follow-up with me.
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran (mother) and Catholic (father). I also explored various
protestant religions when I was a teen. I think I feel the most
"at home" in the Presbyterian church.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very strong. I have always believed this, and when my mother saw
and conversed with angels toward the end of her life, it became
even more real to me.
--Regarding MONEY:
the funeral was quite costly. My mother had purchased a $5000 life
insurance policy 20 years prior to her death, and had subsequently
borrowed $1000 against it when we fell on hard times. The remaining
$4000 was just under half the total funeral cost. Mom had no
medical insurance and no assets. She had not worked and had lived
with me in my home for several years. Medicare only paid for her
initial hospitalization because she required chemo monthly and they
will only pay for hospitilizations if the patient has been out of the
hospital for a minimum of 60 days. Her medical bills totaled nearly
$100,000 at her death. I worried that I would be held accountable,
but since there was no estate, the bills were dismissed.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the attendees were mostly my friends. They were there to show
their support for me. Many of them had never met my mother.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
having to select a dress for my mother to wear. I don't know what
else to say, but it was an extremely difficult task.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
progressive weakness and the loss of desire to "fight" to keep well.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
staying active and involved in my mother's care kept me going.
You always find things you wish you would have thought to do,
but I was very attentive and vigilant in her care.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my mother believed I was her mother when I walked into the room.
She called and reached out to me (as her mother), so I took her
hand and she smiled. Later, she "saw" and had conversations with
angels who presumably were calling to her. Sometimes she'd say
"not yet" and other times she'd say "ok" or "I'm coming".
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
not applicable.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My mother was narcisstic and had been heavily dependent on me.
I felt burdened by this and had been trying to build a separate life
for each of us before she was stricken with cancer. Naturally,
I felt guilty when she died. I was a psychiatrist and took
anti-depressants for awhile. But the most effective healing came
from the dreams I had of my mother. I had dreams of my mother
for several months after her death. Initially, it was as if her
death was a mistake -- but it was our secret. Later, it progressed
into conversations about everyday activities and current events --
just as if we were sitting over coffee. Sometimes we would argue
or she would offer me advice. The dreams still occur, but less
frequently now and usually when I'm under some sort of stress --
as if she's trying to comfort me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would have hugged my mother and told her I loved her one last time.
I was always seeking my mother's approval, so I would have wanted
my mother to tell me she loved and respected me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had dreams of my mother for several months after her death.
Initially, it was as if her death was a mistake -- but it was our
secret. Later, it progressed into conversations about everyday
activities and current events -- just as if we were sitting over
coffee. Sometimes we would argue or she would offer me advice.
The dreams still occur, but less frequently now and usually when
I'm under some sort of stress -- as if she's trying to comfort me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
When my girlfriend had a sudden stroke and died (at the tender age of
43), her family knew she was an organ donor. They "kept her alive"
for a couple of days in order to line up the maximum donations,
including skin and muscle grafts, cornea and all organ transplants.
While it was painful to watch her in that comatose state, we knew it
was what she wanted. An autopsy was done on my mother's mother
when she died. My mother remembered seeing the after effects of
that procedure during the funeral and was adament that she did not
want an autopsy performed on her. While an autopsy might have
revealed if it was heart disease or the cancer that killed her,
I respected her wishes. The cause really wasn't important ... it
didn't change the fact that she was gone.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think I am less afraid. I mostly fear any pain that might occur
as a part of dying, but not death itself.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
My girlfriend, who also had lost her mother, and I decided to go
shopping in honor of Mother's Day. It was a pasttime we each had
shared with our mothers, and it was a way for us to celebrate their
lives and our mother-daughter relationships instead of grieving
that they weren't here.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
not applicable.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
A co-worker from Canada was on assignment on my work project.
She filled my calendar with activities after the funeral -- movies,
plays, shopping, etc. She encouraged me to talk and shared her
own grief experiences relating to her father's death. She is now
one of my best friends, and I am the godmother of her daughter.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I didn't really know him, so it didn't seem that real.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
the reactions of others.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
My mother had a good friend who was a little younger than me.
My mother would give her advice and counsel almost as though she
were her second daughter. We each reached out to each other,
and it was mutually comforting.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought back sad memories, but also made me realize how far I've
come in the past 3 years. In fact, when I started the survey, I was
surprised to realize it had been 3 years since my mother's death.
It always seems like it was "just last January".
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Nothing comes to mind. It would be nice to have the ability to
leave the survey and come back to finish it, since it is so long.
Or to group it into a series of smaller surveys. I think the
information requested and the opportunity to share is wonderful,
but it is though-provoking and time consuming.
[ Ed Note: You already can do this... You may hold the survey in
your browser and fill it out off-line, or over several days if you
like, and just re-connect and send it in once you get ready and
get back on-line. There is no time-out on it, provided the page
in your browser isn't overwritten. ]
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Fri Mar 5 09:52:26 1999
F28 in Philadelphia, PA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
link from Yahoo Psychology tests
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Prof/Studies: preschool teacher
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
hymn-on Eagles' Wings
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 6 mo. ago.
Cause of Death: heroin; Aged: 17.
--Details:
A "friend" of hers drugged her drink, then injected her with heroin.
She was on a weekend pass from her recovery program.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the spirit leaves the body. The surviving members of the family
are sad because they no longer have any contact with the deceased.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was about 10 years old. I was in denial, so I never cried about it.
I was detatched.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was spending the night at my Grandmother's
house, and we recieved a phonecall that my paternal grandfather
passed away. I heard her call another relative to pass on the news.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how it destroyed her mother. Also how young she was, and how many
people attended the funeral.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that God is not to blame. Tragedy is random, and not a punishment.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how it brought out the best in her sister.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband, and his ability to make me laugh, and know when to let
me cry.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that I had moved away from the family a few years ago,
and hadn't been a part of her life towards the end.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
allowed myself to lean on the rest of the family.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
two weeks later, the denial wore off and I realised I would never
see her again.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I'm glad I did. It made my uncle feel good for the first time in
a week.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
visit her, call her, write to her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
watch her grow up. Hear her laugh and remember her silly jokes.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
her friend painted a picture of her on a shirt.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I talk to her mother.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Karen would have come to my country home that weekend instead of
to the city. We would have ridden bikes and gone swimming, and
had good wholesome fun.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
if only she had not drank the beer, or not gotten into the car,
or the police had come along.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep for a week.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried for weeks. Looked at her pictures and videos and poems.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
n/a: she was dead when her "friend" dropped her in the hospital
parking lot.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
renewing my belief in an afterlife.
--Religious Affiliation:
raised catholic - now not affiliated with church, but still pray.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right. It,s comforting.
--Regarding MONEY:
the funeral was worth the expense. The family and her friends
needed the closure.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people loved her.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
my delayed reaction.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
there were no signs.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
the anger stage is still going on and probably always will. Her
murderer is behind bars for rape now, but he will get out eventually.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she did not die peacefully. Her mother believes she is an angel now,
but I am still not sure what the afterlife is all about.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
A good friend of mine was mistakenly diagnosed with a fatal disease,
then found out it wasn't true. He appreciates his life more than
most people, and lives each day to the fullest.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I see her in dreams sometimes, and she tells me she is happy.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
It would help to know that she is happy wherever she is now.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Her mother believes that she caused some events in her life after
she died.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
To me, it doesn't matter if I'm creamated or have a funeral, but
I want my loved ones to agree on a method before my death.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My husband and I are in the process of getting custody of my
stepdaughter. Her feelings of abandonment would bother me most.
I would leave a video saying to my family to go on with their lives.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I watched her videos.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Now when i choose a place to raise my children, I know it will be
away from the city.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
her sister, Katie, was so strong at the funeral. I now see her as
a young woman and not the child she was when I left home.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
My grandmother told me that he would be watching from heaven along
with other relatives, and we would be reunited when I got to heaven.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
At the wake, we all took turns talking about our memories of her,
and reading poems. I told one of her jok
