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See Current contributions.
See Jan 99 contributions.
See Dec 98 contributions.
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Sat Feb 27 12:11:37 1999
M22 in MANILA, NCR =PHILIPPINES=
Name: ARNALDO (JESSIE) L. MONZALES
Email: <PATHMOS-at-HOTMAIL.COM>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I WAS LOOKING FOR A GOOD TOPIC FOR MY THESIS
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Prof/Studies: PSYCHOLOGIST, FREETHINKER
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More personal info:
IF ANY ONE WATS TO ASK ME MORE ABOUUT SUCH TOPIC, FEEL FREE TO
E-MAIL ME. I WISH IT TO BE POSTED
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1992 ago.
Cause of Death: HEART FAILURE; Aged: ABOUT 60.
--Details:
IT WAS VERY SUDDEN, IT WAS HIS FIRST HEART ATTACT AND WE WERE ALL
CAUGHT IN SURPRISE
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--Death Is:
INEVITABLE
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
DID A LOT OF THINKING. LED ME TO DIFFERENT QUESTIONS THAT STILL
LEFT UNANSWERED
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...MY GRAND PARENTS DIED AND AT A YOUNG AGE I
WAS EXPOSED TO THE NOTION OF IMMORTALITY~DEATH
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
THE MELANCHONICAL SOLITUDE LEFT WHEN SOMEONE LEFT~DIED.
--What I think my (PHILIPPINES) culture needs to better learn about death is:
IT IS A PART OF LIVING.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
WE TAKE THE PRIDE OF LIVING IN THIS LAND. THAT EVEN IF LIFE WILL
EVENTUALLY END, IT WILL CONTINUE TO REVOLVE AROUND AND WE ARE LEFT
WITH MEMORIES TO KEEP THAT IS NEEDED TO SUSTAIN THE PAASION OF
LIVING. TO CONTINUE THE STRUGGLE LEFT FOR US TO FULFILL, BECAUSE WE
STAND AS A BRIGE FROM THE PAST WHICH WERE BUILT BY OUR ANCESTORS
AND TO THE FUTURE THAT WILL BE BUILT BY OUR PRESENT STRUGGLES,
CONTINUING THE LEGACY OF THE PAST FOR THE YOUNGER GENERATION.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
MY FAMILY. THE ONE WHO NURTURED MY MATURITY
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
THE THOUGHT OF HIM FOREVER BEING INTANGIABLE
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
CONTINUING TO LIVE A LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND ATTAING ITS MEANING
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
FELT SO ALONE.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
REALIZING THAT I MUST STILL ENDURE TO LIVE A LIFE OF STRUGGLE AND
ONE DAY WILL DIE
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
EXTEND THE LIFE OF MY FATHER
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
UNDERSTAND
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
YOU REALIZE THE VALUE OF LIVING
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
DEATH IS INEVITABLE. AND IT A NATURAL THING THAT WILL LET US
UNDERSTAND THE MEANING TO LIFE. IN OTHER WORDS, ITS A PART OF OUR
MATURITY TO OVERCOME SUCH CONFLICTS
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I FEEL SO BATTERED BY STRESS AND FRUSTRATIONS.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
IT WILL BE BETTER?...NO! I WILL NOT HAVE GROWN MUCH STRONGER BUT
IT REMAINS WILL THE SAME
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
IF ONLY I CAN ALTER THE DEATH PROCESS, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HAPPEN
TO MY FAMILY
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
FORGET ALL ABOUT IT, PRETEND THAT IT DID NOT HAPPEN
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
GRADUALLY SEARCHED FOR THE MEANING TO LIFE AND TO FIND REASON TO
LIVE. DEATH THEN ACKNOWLEGE LIFE. DEATH WILL NOT TRANSPIRE WITHOUT
LIFE AND VISE-VERSA
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
NOTHING, IT FACADE THE REALITY ABOUT DEATH ASS IT IS
--Religious Affiliation:
PAST~BAPTIST PRESENTLY~NONE
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
BALONY
--Regarding MONEY:
UNIMPORTANT
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
THE IDEA THAT THEY WERE THERE
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
THE NOISOME SMELL THAT IRRITATES ME AND MAKE ME PUKE
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
NO MORE UNRESOLVED CONFLICT REMAINING PERTAINING TO DEATH
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
ITS WAS AT FIRST THE IDEA THAT THERE IS A GOD, EVENTUALLY, GOD
DISAPPEAR BUT REALITY DOES NOT.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I WANNA DIE. I IDOLIZE THE SOLEMNITY OF DEATH AND PICTURE IT AS A
PERFECT SOLITUDE FOR ME.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
BASICALLY IT WAS A FABORABLE ENVIRONMENT
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
NONE
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
IT WAS MIGHTY FINE, WORDS NEED NOT TO BE CHANGED HOWEVER SEVERAL
QUESTION ARE NOT NEEDED HERE. CONSIDER BEING PRACTICAL. (NOT
SATIRICAL)
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Sat Feb 27 11:18:22 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I WAS LOOKING FOR A GOOD TOPIC FOR MY THESIS
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Fri Feb 26 18:37:03 1999
F48 in HIGHLAND, CA =USA=
Name: CCORKIE
Email: <BOGIESMOM8-at-AOL.COM>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: BOOKKEEPER
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
FINAL GIFT
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
KELLY & CALLANAN
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 MONTHS ago.
Cause of Death: STROKE; Aged: 70.
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--Death Is:
Leaving all the people you love the most to go on to a place where
you are safe and well again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was frighten by how death looked.
--That first time, how it happened was
old landlord of parents
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how peaceful and beautiful my 70 year old Mother looked. She had
been in a coma, and was finally without distortion and wrinkles,
just beautiful.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to be afraid of those who are dying.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My Mother was never frightened. Her stroke rendered her with an
uncanny ability to face her mental problems, her blindness, her
inability to use her left side and still she never seemed worried.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My sister and the book FINAL GIFT by Kelly and Callanan, two
hospice nurses.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing I would never have someone to love me as purely and
unconditionally as my Mother.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
say good bye and let them know you are going to be alright and it
is okay for them to die.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
overcame my fear of death to be by my Mother's side when she
finally died.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was never confused
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never laughed until the next day, when we all found humor at the
funeral home for some unknown reason.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have my Mother stroke my cheek one last time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there at her bedside telling her that it was okay to go and that
we all loved her very much.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My Mother had said she had a dream that she was young again and
she was playing with my Dad and her two favorite brothers, who have
all passed away.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have not cried, I wish I could. I miss my Mom very much, but have
always had a problem showing my emotions. I am under doctor's care
for depression, because even though I didn't cry I felt completely
out of control, Not eating, sleeping, or being able to feel competent
at work.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
all my girlfriend's mothers are still alive and they are older than
my mother.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
pull the covers over my head and just stay in bed for a year,
until my heart mends.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt totally alone,
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Hospice nurses are angels sent to make not only the person dying
more comfortable, but to ease the pain of the families
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I don't know how I could have coped either before my Mom's death
or after. They still continue to contact me.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
People who went to church every week. I don't feel you need to be
in church to feel God.
--Religious Affiliation:
Protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting
--Regarding MONEY:
It wasn't that important. we would trade it for a few more days
with her. We have no problems with the division of the finances.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
we had a private memorial service with just the family and it was
wonderful. I felt more comfortable with that than with a roomful
of people
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How beautiful and young she looked in death. No wrinkles and
pleasant look. Also the peace it gives me to return to Hospice,
and even her room.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
fluid output ceases and toes and fingers start to turn blue
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
You will somehow survive this even though you may be wishing for
your own death to stop the pain and to be with your loved one
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My Mom dreamed of being a child again and playing with her brothers
and my Dad, who have all passed away. she had this dream less than
a week before she died.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no unresolved issues
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I know I was loved and I also know she know I loved her. I guess
just to say that I will miss her, but not to worry I will be alright
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
A living will. My Mom had a DNR order from the day she entered the
hospital until the day she died. My sister and I had to make the
desision to remove her from the Cumidin. We asked her how she felt
about that in one of her more lucid moments and she responed with
"we all have to die sometime".
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not ready to die, but I'm no longer afraid.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
mindless surfing on the net, or constantly lying in bed
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Knew love and understanding with my sister, whom I have not been
close to for 30 years
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Hospice of Arizona has continued to contact me for my support needs.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
knowing it will perhaps help someone who is frightened about death
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Thu Feb 25 22:14:03 1999
F34 in Orlando, Florida =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo on line. I added you to my home page.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a stroke; Aged: in her 70's.
--Details:
She was my great=aunt Nola, the one I knew the best. She died in
California in a hospital thousands of miles away from her family and
home in Kentucky. She would have wanted to come home. Shortly after
that, her son, Richard, died of cancer. Or maybe a broken heart.
I'm still not sure which.
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--Death Is:
when your internal organs, most often the heart, and your brain cease
to function any longer by themselves. This shell which harbors our
souls no longer provide life support to survive on earth, and the
body itself dies. The soul passes on to another place...a place
I know exists, but cannot explain.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 13 and it was my grandfather. I was young, and he died of
cancer, slowly and painfully. I was too young to realize what
was happening. It just happened. Grandparents died. That was
the way it was.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My grandfather died of colon cancer.
But grandparents died. It was the death of my friend from high
school two years later, that was my first real experience with DEATH.
His name was Kevin, and he and I were both between our freshmand
and sophomore year in high school. We were in a summer school
class together, and he lived down the street from my best friend.
We would hang out together sometimes. Sometimes he'd surf in
contests and we'd go watch. He was blond and blue-eyed, and just
beautiful. But he was into drugs, as we all were, at least at
the experimental stage. But he was into things we weren't into.
One night at a party, he drank a lot of whiskey and beer, smoked a
lot of pot, took a bunch of quaaludes, and took off in his car after
an argument with his girlfriend. He was driving down a winding
road when he hit an oak tree head-on going over 85 miles per hour.
I learned about the death on the television news the next morning.
They showed footage of the paramedics removing him from what was
left of his car; I watched him die on the television screen as
they put him on the stretcher. It was awful. It was traumatic.
I was in shock. It had come so close. Death had taken one of "us."
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how awful it must have been to be so far away from your home and
your loved ones knowing you were going to die in a strange place
and never see your home or family again.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is a natural occurrance. We all are born to eventually die.
We should not be afraid of death. We should instead rejoice in life.
When the time comes for you to go, you will go regardless. Worrying
about it all the time only takes away from the life you do have now.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
After the death of Kevin, and then the deaths of several other
friends shortly after, I realized that there has to be a purpose
for everything. There has to be a reason we live, and there has to
be a reason we die. And, therefore, there has to be a reason we die
when and how we do. We may never know the reason a loved one dies,
but there is one. There is always a reason for everything.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
reading The Outsiders, by S.E. Hinton. It really struck home
with me. It changed my life and the way I dealt with death and life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The shock that it could happen to someone so young, and the fear
that it could happen to me as well. I realized I was no longer
immortal, like most children believe.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I wasn't there during any of my friend's or relative's deaths.
But I would have to say, make sure they know you love them and that
it's okay for them to go. They have to know it's okay to go.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
came to realize that death is a natural part of life. Ever since I
have stopped being afraid of death, I have lived a more fulfilling
life. In many ways, I look forward to death. Not because I want
to die, but because I am anxious to know what God has in store for
my soul next. In the meantime, I will try to fulfill my purpose
in this life as best as I can.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I questioned God of why he would take Kevin so young. I didn't
understand then the purpose -- the plan. I was angry because
there was nothing I could do or could have done about it. It left
me feeling helpless and vulnerable.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I couldn't help it. It happened so fast and overwhelmed me.
Maybe it was the look on the people's faces, or a sound someone
made, or something that distracted me just for a moment from the
dim reality around me and I lost control and laughed outloud.
I didn't mean any disrespect, it was involuntary.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be at that party and convince him not to drive, taken away his keys,
anything so that he wouldn't have gotten in that car and driven
away into the night.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Experience how closely our friends gathered to grieve. Parents
and teenagers, brothers and sisters... they all knew the story.
They knew the behind-the-scenes stuff. But none of that mattered.
There were no judgements made, only grief and sorrow for the loss
of such a young human being.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Everyone became equal in the room. We were all feeling the same
emotion at the same time. We were all the same, no age difference,
no gender difference, no racial difference, no religious difference,
just human beings mourning the loss of a fellow human being.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the funeral and how it was presented. I couldn't tell you the color
of the flowers, the layout of the room, the music that was playing,
or even who was in attendance. None of that meant anything to me.
I don't think it meant anything to my friends either. All we knew
was that Kevin was gone. I think funerals are overly expensive
wastes of money. And that causes the family even more stress in
an already stressful time.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a song, or go to the beach to the jetties and sit at the
end where I used to sit and watch him surf. Sometimes just out of
the blue the memory will pop up and remind me of my immortality,
and how lucky I am to have survived this far.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would be impossible to tell.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that God should take someone so young so violently (he hit an oak
tree head on going over 80 mph and broke every bone in his body).
It just wasn't fair that it could happen to one of us. He wasn't
a bad person. He was messed up sometimes, but he was young and
had potential. Surely God could have taken some murderer instead!
Why the young and the innocent?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
make it all just go away.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. Then I
moved on.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I couldn't believe the media showed the paramedics taking him out of
his car and taped him as he died on the stretcher. It was an awful
scene, one which will stick in my mind so vividly for the rest of
my life. This was so traumatic for me that the paramedics would
allow this, and that the media would actually show it on television.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
strict rules and no fun. We were teenagers. Religion was not an
important part of our lives.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am currently a Christian. I was baptized Baptist when I was in
5th grade of my own wanting to be. Since then, I have grown to
believe that organized religion does not offer me anything which
I cannot get from my reading the Bible, and from within: my own
private relationship with My God.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
real. I believe we are souls or spirits, made up of magical
particles that we will never understand -- at least in this lifetime.
Our bodies are but shells, for which we are responsible to maintain,
for which to travel through this journey into the next.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How everyone came together as equals, mourning the death of another
human being.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Realizing that I would never, ever see or talk to that person again.
He was "gone."
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I feel that Kevin was taken for a purpose, and he and my grandfather
and my great Aunt Nola, they all watch over me and my family.
They are our guardian angels. They are at peace.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I wish I could have told him that I had a major crush on him for
years, and that I thought he was beautiful and nice. I wonder what
would have happened if I had?
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I do not want a "funeral." They are too expensive and a waste of
time. I want to be cremated and have my ashes tossed either into
the ocean or off the big rock at the edge of Ginger Ridge in the
Land Between the Lakes. I want to go back to nature. Don't waste
money on some funeral where everyone is crying and feeling badly.
Instead, I would like a small gathering of my closest family and
friends and I want them to have a "party" remembering me fondly
in life.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have given a great deal of thought to my own mortality. I know
I will die someday. Whether it is tomorrow, next year, whenever,
it doesn't matter. What matters is the life I live today. The work
I do in this world today. If I knew I was going to die very soon,
I'd sure be busy telling everyone how much I love them.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
I don't think I ever got over it completely. But I told myself
that God must have had a better plan for him somewhere else to have
taken him so young. He was sixteen.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
I just couldn't believe it could happen. I was in shock. I was
scared all of the sudden. All the sudden I was vulnerable. I was
no longer immortal.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me to say some things I've wanted to say for years.
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Thu Feb 25 13:06:31 1999
F36 in Bellefontaine, Ohio =USA=
Name: Kathy
Email: <kaja-at-loganrec.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Jumping link to link
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Prof/Studies: sales clerk
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 65.
--Details:
My dad knew in Jan. that he had a problem and didn't do anything
about it. I still feel guilt that I didn't recognize the signs that
was very visible. Tiredness,weight loss etc. I was too wrapped
up in myself and the guy I was interested in. He was mowing grass
at a resort in 90 degree weather. I should have done it not him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the loss of a loved one who you'll never see again except in memory
and in heaven. Indescibable pain
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't believe it was really my sister. Since it was a bad
accident they had to rebuild her face and I didn;t believe it
was her.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My sister died in 1986,due to a
car accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
pain and tears for my family and me
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death is something we all face and no matter if its adistant
relative every one should have the chance to grieve their way
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my mom said that dad came to her and said he'd be there for her
a year. This was to help her get thru life without him
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my fathers memory
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
was not being able to grieve. I had to be strong for my mom and
youngest brother. The guilt I feel
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I wasn't there for any but my grandpa who died last month. I was
there and let him know that I loved him
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
now try to help and learn more about my family and friends and GOD
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they took my dad took the hospital he sit straight up and tried to
talk to my mom
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was relieving the hurt and stress build up inside
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my dad,sister,grandma I loved them more. Ican't say it
often,but I try to show it
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for my mom and brothers
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the minsister said that death is just full circle
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
get to gethers afterward
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when my son was born or when something happens and I want to share
with that loved one
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If my dad hadn't died than I probably wouln't have met my husband.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
we have to die. Why are we here only to die shortly after we are
born or later
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring everyone back so I could say and do what I should have
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
started thinking more about death and when it would happen,all the
things about the afterlife
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
more could have been done
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that there is a god and everything has a purpose
--Religious Affiliation:
methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I don't know
--Regarding MONEY:
ther wasn't enough for what we wanted to do
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that where the funeral took place,in our hometown,there were very
few friends there mostly family
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
changes in the person
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
being there for them
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
just what my mom related about my dad visiting
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
ON HOLD
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
aPOLOGIZE FOR NOT BEING THERE
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My mom said my dad came to her after his death to say he'd help
her for the first year.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
everything
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Don"t know
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
breaking down finally after hearing a sad song
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
I cried at first,but it wasn't hard with family around,so I forgot
to mourn
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped alot in rethinking every thing
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Thu Feb 25 11:58:54 1999
F23 in Chattanooga, Tennessee =USA=
Name: Angela
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Yahoo search for "surveys"
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Prof/Studies: computer consultant
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 8 years ago.
Cause of Death: a rare liver disease; Aged: 4 years..
--Details:
We knew she was in bad shape for about a year: she had numerous
surgeries and had been in and out of the hospital. One night,
she fell on the floor, obviously in pain, and my parents took her
to the hospital. I never saw her again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when we leave our life, as we know it, and transcend into another
realm of existence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
closed myself off from the world.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my first dog that had been diagnosed with a rare liver
disease. I had her for about 4 years.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how angry I was at my mother for not taking the time to find out
directions to the hospital before the emergency -- it would have
saved so much time, and possibly, my dogs life.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is ok to feel sadness, but there isn't a need to dwell in
that sadness for a prolonged period of time. People are so afraid
of forgetting their loved one if they start living their life again.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
We got another dog the week before, to ease the transition, and
that dog helped me learn how to allow myself to love something again.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being able to write about it in my journal.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the feeling that there was nothing I could do to change the outcome.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let that person know how much you care for them and hold them for
as long as you can.
--[My dog's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
understand that life entails death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the doctors said there was nothing more they could do. I thought
doctors could work miracles, or that God would take over if the
doctors failed.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
know what was happening inside of her body before it got to the
point of no return.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
show her how much I loved her every day and let her sleep on my
bed those last few nights.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
to be surrounded by people who love you.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the legal worries: wills, grave plots, et cetera.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see an animal in great pain.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think I would be a very happy person, but also very naive when
it came to loss.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she did nothing to deserve her fate.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hold her one more time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
locked myself in my room and listened to how silent the house was.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the medical community is not able to perform miracles.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I didn't believe in God at the time.
--Religious Affiliation:
Non Denomintational.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very right. I don't think that you can fall in love with someone and
not have that love include the spirit, who they are deep in the core.
--Regarding MONEY:
my parents paid every expense that was necessary to help her.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
we didn't have a funeral -- my parents allowed the veternarian
to simply stick her in an unmarked grave in the back of the vet
hospital.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
realizing she was really gone -- that I wouldn't see her again.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the way the person begins to act -- obvious signs of pain, a far
away look in their eye, saying their good byes...
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
allow yourself the comfort that comes from letting your emotions
flow -- anger, pain, sadness, et cetera.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell her that there will never be anyone like her in my
life again, and that I will see her on the other side.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I did have a dream about her once -- we were on the edge of a lake,
and the entire dream consisted of her lying in my lap, and me being
able to hold her. It was very serene.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think that any person is responsible for his/her own self.
I believe in the right to die.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Death doesn't bother me, as long as it's not a prolonged matter,
ie cancer, AIDS. I don't fear death in the least.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I took all the pictures of her I could find and made an album
dedicated to her.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I love the dog we got before my dog died very much.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
I avoided thinking about it for years because I didn't want to feel
the pain.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me think of the good times I had with her, though it
also brought me close to tears at times. It has been interesting.
This is not something I normally talk about.
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Wed Feb 24 23:53:01 1999
F21 in El Paso, tx =us=
Name: gabriela
Email: <hippopotamus1-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: film studies
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Still has not
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Wed Feb 24 08:42:44 1999
F27 in =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Children and Death (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross); God in all Worlds (
Various authors like Hans Kung; Thomas Merton; Martin Luther King)
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
another good book that is more related to the discussion of the
problem of evil from a christian/psychology point of view is M.Scott
Peck's "People of the Lie". Another book is Albert Camus's "Myth
of Sisyphus" or Dostoevsky's "Brothers Karamazov". These books
probe Morality and the problem of evil
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 6 years ago.
Cause of Death: stillbirth; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
I don't really know. I don't. I guess that is why I read books on
death, because I don't know what it is. I would say that humans
live on a timeline and death is the end of that linear cycle, but
that does not explain what death is, really, just how it occurs. I
would say that everything dies, that it is the one journey that all
humans must take at one point or another, whether they want to or
not. As for what happens after death, I don't know. I used to believe
quite firmly in afterlife, but I have had my doubts. The experience
of death cannot be measured empiracally, so sometimes we have to
make things up so it won't be as frightening to us. But really,
what death is, is speculation. Those who come back never really
are there long enough to know completely. I do believe, however,
that there is a "there". I don't believe in heaven or hell in the
proverbial sense, I think heaven and hell are apt metaphors for
states of human experience.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was very young and it was extremely difficult for me. It
terrified me and it comforted me. I know this is strange to say,
this contradiction, yet there was extreme terror leading up to the
death and then,after death, it was only comfort and an awareness
of my body dying, an awareness of leaving. That was comfort.
--That first time, how it happened was
The circumstances that led up to that first death were extremely
violent. It is difficult to get into it without specifics, however
it is suffice to say that it was an extremely traumatic experience
for me. It has left me feeling lost, angry and "marked", like a
part of me has never really come back from it. I was physically
assualted and sexually molested and was dead for one minute.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I am going to discuss my daughters death, because her death is the
most vivid to me right now, the most painful. What I remember is
the feeling of her death. It was more than stopping moving and all
is quiet, it was a physical sensation of her death. Her presence
was so large in me, then it was not. I felt her die. That is what
is so awful to me, the most vivid to me. For myself, I was totally
devastated. I could not stop thinking about her, I still can't. For
those around me, it was quite different. Some of my friends and
family were devastated and extremely sad, for others of my family
and friends and my ex, their indifference horrified me. It was like
nothing happened and some got angry with me because I couldn't put
my feelings away. Some reacted with comments like (when I talked
about a grave for her etc) that it wasn't healthy for me to have a
funeral or grave because she hadn't been born (therefore not a real
person).Needless to say, after hearing those kinds of comments from
people I thought I knew, I got them out of my life quickly. Others
were frustrated that, after a few months, I could not stop grieving,
could not stop crying and missing her. They said things like "
At least she didn't die later on" (as if I had no right to be sad
because she was a stillbirth, and did not live long enough for me
to know her) and the other, most offensive comment "You can always
have more". I am a parent of two children now, but believe me,
having more doesn't change anything.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That grief is a life long process. That you can't just "get better"
after a death. I think grief comes in cycles and throughout
life you move through different parts of it, sometimes better,
sometimes not. Being sad about a death is not a disease and
medicating grief only makes it worse. I met a woman who lost her
little boy when he was four months old and her family was already
insisting she get back into life. She was a mess and what made it
more difficult was everyone's insistence she be "stronger". I think
we need to learn that we need to embrace our feelings around death,
not change them. Be terrified, angry, sad and don't try to fix it,
just acknowledge those feelings exist and let them exist. It takes
a long time to come back from such loss and it is okay to do that,
but it is also important to be surrounded by loving and supporting
people who,although they may not be able to commiserate, are willing
to hold you up until you can stand.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
What was most important to me was to write my daughter letters. Also,
in regards to my own experience, books on the problem of evil have
also been of great help. I needed to try to understand suffering,
why people make other people suffer. I must say, I still don't
understand. Oh, I know the debates, but they aren't answers for
me. I doubt I will ever know why and, in a lot of ways, I don't
think I want to understand that kind of mind.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Total Absence. Like a big black hole where the person once was.
--[My Daughter's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to come back, slowly, from the devastation. It has taken
these six years to really come to terms with it and I still have
incredibly painful moments.I have learned that I want to be upfront
and open about how I feel with others, even if that means taking a
risk that I might be hurt. Her death has taught me about life and
about compassion.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
People were telling me things that made me feel like I did not
have a right to be sad or made me feel like "I should be better by
now". Death isn't like that, there aren't time limits on grief.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It isn't wrong at all. When my daughter died I was crying and crying
and then laughing hysterically, then crying and screaming. The
doctors wanted to medicate me, of course, because I came off like
a lunatic. but I refused and I am glad I did because I never would
have been able to look at her death squarely if I had drugged
myself up. That is for me, no judgement on anyone else. I think
it is totally natural response to emotions that are so large and
overwhelming, no one knows where to put them or what to do with
them. I think it is wrong to believe that something is wrong with
a person if that does happen because we all grieve differently. It
is more a release than anything else.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hold her, see her, touch her.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at my childrens faces. Every year, on the day that she died
I remember her. I wonder what she would have looked like and find
myself saying " she would be five today". I look at my children and
say "she would be doing this now". It is painful for me to think
about that because I will never know. I will never know.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I can't think about that. It has crossed my mind once, but the
thought is just too painful for me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that people go away.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
become another person, wind back time and go to those *!!* who
raped and assaulted me when I was five years old and stop them, stop
them from taking my life-physically and emotionally-because the one
minute I was dead taught me nothing about "life after death". The
only sensation I had was of being safe, and was like...being told
it was not my time yet.I also wish that I could go back in time
and get myself to the doctor sooner, maybe it would have made a
difference...I don't know.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was able to move into saying goodbye and taking care of myself,
supporting myself, disregarding the "you shoulds" and the guilt
trips. It was like "this is how I feel. Period. tough if it
frustrates you, I need to grieve in my own way". I had to allow
myself the liberty of feelings and not forcing myself to be happy
when I was not and not forcing myself to not feel anything about
it. If I laughed, then that was good. I did things to make me feel
good. I anchored myself to life, I anchored myself so that the
grief was managable, not poisonous.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
When my daughter died, the medical community was at two ends of
the pole. Some were totally supportive and others treated me like
I was psychotic and wanted to drug me up. They didn't have time for
me. I think the medical community really needs to examine the grief
process and their own reactions to it. One nurse said that "atleast I
can have another" which totally blew my mind. I couldn't believe she
said it. It was the first time I had heard it and it didn't get any
easier hearing it again and again. I think they need to examine that,
their reactions carefully and try to support a person, not to treat
grief like it was a disease or like you have a problem. You don't.
--Religious Affiliation:
Current affiliation is a strong leaning towards Zen Buddhism.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
More correct. The ultimate mind of God is not an object of my
experience in the sense that I cannot know God. However, I can know
God's creation. This is not to say that I think God does not exist,
I think God is consciousness, an ultimate consciousness.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I need to learn to have more compassion about how others deal
with death. What I have uncovered is that, for some, those remarks
that I found so incredibly brutal were a way of coping for them. I
had to come out of myself to see how they were saddened, angered,
to see how they grieved instead of being so possessive about it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
for myself, the experience of death was very humbling in its
simplicity and majesty. No, I am not glorifying it, but it was and
is the most powerful experience (besides giving birth to living
children..I had to give birth to my stillborn daughter) but what
I remember most about my death as a child was the total awareness
that I was dying. NOt just because I was being beaten into it; I
felt my body..unravelling. Like I was unravelling. Then I remember
total comfort, total peace. The deepest, safest,most loving peace I
have ever encountered. It was deeply beautiful, so beautiful. I did
not see a light, I saw nothing,but I knew that there was "someone"
with me. I felt a presence that was like...total loving warmth,
total loving joy. Then I was told, not in words...but I was told
it wasn't my time yet. That is all I remember.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
It wouldn't. Honestly, for me, I desire it, but I know that I would
only want more and then I could not let go.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i was eleven years old when my grandmother died. I prayed before I
went to bed (on the night I found out that she was dead) that she
would come give me a hug goodbye. That night I dreamt I was walking
a very long road that was surrounded by feilds and a forest. It was
very beautiful. I walked to a tiny house and, upon entering, found
the interior to be immense, like a mansion. There were hundreds
of people there and they were all laying out bedding to sleep. I
walked around looking for my grandmother, when I came upon a brown
haired man who was preparing to sleep. I told him I was looking for
my grandmother and that I wanted to sleep there. He said I could
not sleep there. Then I was walking up the stairs to my room in
my real house (it was that sudden) and I looked behind me to see
my grandmother following me. I became frightened and ran to my
room. Then I was laying in bed and my grandmother stood at the
door to my room, hesitating for a moment. She then said (in her
typical way) "damn, I might as well get this over with". Then she
came forward and hugged me. I felt her pass through me, literally
as a sensation of tingling, like I had gotten a minor shock.This
experience has reassured me tremendously because whenever I think
of her saying that, I laugh, it fills me with reaasurance about her
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My own death terrifies me, even though I have had a previous
experience. I am more frightened of dying in a painful or immediate
or violent way then I am of dying itself. Because the past experience
with the things that those men did to me has not been resolved and I
feel like if i died without doing it, I would never have the chance
to heal it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Well, writing letters...I also have a hand drum that I use to drum
and sing (it is like a bodrum ) when I need to. I put the grief all
the feelings I have into sound. That helps me a lot. I also light a
white candle sometimes, in the window at night, to let the people
I have loved know that I am thinking of them. It helps me put it
into perspective.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
It was a combination of things, mostly it always existing at the
back of my mind but not being consciously acknowledged. I tried to
avoid the memory of it through many different avenues, none which
helped me.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
when I was a teenager, I began to "rebel". I was an extremely
angry kid, and I just let myself get lost. It hindered me because
I have spent most of my 27 years attempting to avoid the memory
and attempting to avoid the rage that it brings. I think the fear
of this anger is what hinders me the most, because I can't look at
this death without looking at the anger. I know, sounds like pop
psychology, but there is so much anger around it all that whenever
I try to look at the death experience itself, I meet my rage.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I talked about it, I drew it, I wrote letters to my daughter...
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was very useful to me to speak about it here. It has also helped
me take a look at the cloud around issues I have had with death in
my past.
Suggested Enhancements: www.childabusemonument.org
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Tue Feb 23 22:04:15 1999
F57 in Sacramento, CA =USA=
Name: Harriet
Email: <gmaharriet-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Went to Yahoo.com to see what looked interesting.
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Prof/Studies: Accountant
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More personal info:
I fear the "dying process" as much as anyone...I hate pain, but wish
other people could share my lack of fear of what comes afterward.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
no one book. just knowing the steps of grief we go through helps
acknowledge them as they go by
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: congestive heart failure; Aged: 53.
--Details:
He was ill for 1 1/2 years before dying. I knew a bit about the
stages of grief and went through each of them as he got worse.
By the time he passed, I was too angry with the world to feel
much pain. Neither of us had great fear of death itself & I knew
he was out of discomfort. I thought I was handling it pretty well
at the time, but now realize that my behavior was rather irrational
for 2 or 3 years after he was gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the body's loss of the energy patterns which make it move and
grow and feel things, both physical and emotional. This energy
goes back to an intangible state, rather like static electricity,
where it is no longer identifiable as connected to any entity.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was curious about what a dead person looked like. My grandfather was
in a darkened bedroom and I was too young to reach the lightswitch.
I was quickly removed from the room by my father.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather had been ill. My father
suggested I go in his bedroom, wake him & say hello. He wouldn't
waken. I was 6 years old & disappointed when I was taken home and
not allowed to see what a dead person looked like or, later, go to
the funderal.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the irrelevant thoughts and gallows humor that passed through
my mind, which were not things I could say out loud except to
my brother who knows me well. I loved my husband very much, but
he would have been the first one to make jokes about his death.
My husband suggested to me that I use his ashes to fertilize a
marijuana plant shortly before he died.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's a part of life. And that you should enjoy each day to its
fullest, because it could be your last.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I had always feared losing my husband, believing that I couldn't live
without him. I learned that I could live and enjoy life without him.
That was a VERY important lesson. I now have less fear of losing
other people, however much I don't really want to.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I was capable of earning a good living on my job
and that, however sad I might be at the loss, I didn't have the
additional problem of being financially dependent.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
watching little pieces of the marriage die. First we couldn't go
camping, then we couldn't go for walks, then we couldn't talk about
anything except symptoms, then we couldn't have even family over,
then we couldn't eat the same foods....
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them talk about their feelings, let them feel however they have
to feel.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to establish a new and satisfying life for myself.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
he believed that he had been misdiagnosed, and that he could get
social security disability income for many years and sit back and
enjoy the next 20 or 30 or 40 years without working.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Oh, yeah. I could hear in my mind the way he would have hated any
sobbing and sighing and the wisecracks he would have made about
people who did. He didn't want to go, but he wasn't afraid of what
comes after. My office sent me a flower arrangement with little
imitation birds on branches, and I thought "dead birds for a death"
and went into hysterical giggles.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
take some of the trips we'd always talked about taking together.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help him to be at peace at the end.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
a big funeral or memorial.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My current husband would be unknown to be, and I cannot imagine that.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone who got so much pleasure from daily living had to die
so young
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
missed the man he'd been before his illness, someone who hadn't
been there for a long time.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude for the understanding and compassion of everyone we
dealt with.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
current - agnostic, childhood - Christian Science
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we're all equally nonexistant in the end.
--Regarding MONEY:
I was so grateful that we had good health insurance, that I had a
good job, that the house was almost paid for, and we had no debt.
I could afford to do most anything reasonable that offered hope of
making life more livable.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
we didn't have either funeral or memorial, and his family have
never forgiven me for that, even though it was his wish.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
fearing how much worse it would be for me to deal with the death
alone after he was gone, and when he was gone, I discovered that
the worst was already behind me.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
wishes to commit suicide, mental confusion, delusions.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I went through all the stages I'd read about before the actual death.
Afterward, I behaved much as though I was dying myself, spending
money as though I'd have no need of it later, not taking care of
my health, generally reckless behavior which lasted for 2 or 3 years.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
my husband had had open-heart surgery 12 years before his death.
After the operation he was in a coma for 14 days. He said he dreamed
of dying over and over again in every different way imaginable.
When he woke up, he remembered the entire "dream" vividly, had
completely lost his previous fear of death, and most remarkably, had
LOST his addictions to drugs and alcohol. He could drink normally,
2 or 3 drinks a week, and was never even tempted to get drunk.
He lost all interest in drugs.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
It's been a long time now. He was a wonderful cook, and I'd probably
ask him for some of his best recipes.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I dreamed that I had returned from work and walked into the bedroom
to change clothes. My husband was stretched out across the bed,
fully dressed in his favorite outfit, lying on his side with his
head propped up with one hand. I asked him how he got there, and
he told me he just came back to make sure I was alright. I awoke
feeling it had really happened in the sense that I felt reassured.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
That you give someone you fully trust the power or attorney to make
health choices for you, and that that person know exactly what is
important to you. Also, that you let other family members know
what you want so that they do not interfere with the person making
the decisions or try to make that person feel guilty.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I had some relatively healthy time left, I'd quit work and go
camping with my current husband for as long as I could manage.
Then I'd hope that I be given adequate pain medication to enjoy the
small pleasures of home until I couldn't any longer. And I hope
I could teach my current husband to enjoy the rest of his life to
the fullest, even with another wife.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I went camping with a girlfriend on weekends.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Enjoying each day as it happens, no matter what is going on.
Never "killing" time, but appreciating the current moment.
Never witholding love and affection to teach someone a lesson or
because I'm in a hurry. Saying the important things "right now".
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I believe you go out like a lightbulb with no awareness once you
are gone.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
I had to get beyond the religious beliefs in order to lose my fear.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
That his family had stopped trying me make me feel guilty.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It reaffirmed some things I hadn't thought much about for several
years.
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Tue Feb 23 12:50:38 1999
F23 in syracuse, ny =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Neighbor, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 60's.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an ending of this experience, but a begning of another. You
leave things behind, including your body but your spirit goes
somewhere else.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was only 7 years old. It was my grandmother. She died from the
complications of a car accident. I thought it was my fault she died.
I forgot to prau for her that night.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandmother died in a car accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
disbelief that a good man passed away.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is natural and nothing can make it not happen.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The fact someone wasn't suffering anymore.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
believing that person was with God
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Dealing with the loss, not being able to speak to them anymore
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realised how precious life is, take nothing for granted and don't
abuse drugs.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
how it pulls people back together. the survivors i mean
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
family helped too
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Mon Feb 22 21:56:35 1999
F32 in San Antonio, Texas =USA=
Name: Ann
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
was looking for online psych help
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Prof/Studies: Human Resources
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 16 ago.
Cause of Death: Suicide; Aged: 39.
--Details:
My parents were separated. My Father was an Alcoholic. They had
been married for 18+ years. He picked me up Labor Day weekend after
spending the night at a friends house, and he shot him self in our
kitchen in front of my Brother and I. I was 15, and my Brother 12.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of one Journey and the beginning of another for those that
are left behind.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 5, and somewhat fascinated by it all. I didn't understand the
debth of what it meant to my Mother that her Father was dead.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Grandfather (Mother's Dad) died when I was 5. I actually don't
recall being effected dramatically. My Mother was, obviously.
We drove from El Paso to Tulsa for the funeral, and I rember my Dad
telling us (brother was 3) that we didn't have to go if we didn't
want to. At 5, I was curious, and wanted to go.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how strong my Mother was through it all. She had two teen
age children, a house to run, and a living to make. She did it
wonderfully. She's an amazing woman. I know I wouldn't have done
as well.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
soon after my Dad died, I was standing in a friends kitchen talking,
and I turned around. I saw my Dad standing 10 feet across the room
in his Hospital Whites. He was a nurse that specialized in the care
of burned patients. I took it as a sign that he wasn't in Hell.
I had heard that if you commit suicide, you don't go to Heaven.
At that moment, I knew that wasn't true.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my Best Friend Kelli.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
how dramatically my life changed as a result. On the day he died,
I wondered who would give me away at my wedding.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I looked at one of my Parent's single male friends at the grave side
part of the funeral, and remember thinking how attractive he was.
I felt so guilty that I could think such a thing. At the thought
of that, I started laughing. Not long, but enough. It's ok.
Laughter is the best medicine.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my Father in the Hospital. My Mother wouldn't let us see him.
I know she was just protecting us, but it made me feel insignificant
in the process of it all.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help my Mother with raising my Brother. After my Dad died, I became
my Mother's helper. I grocery shopped, picked up the cleaning,
got the cars washed. I was a new driver, so anytime I could drive
was a treat for me. I really didn't mind.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the individuals at the funeral home were so kind. They concerned
themselves with every detail to make it carefree for my Mother.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
a viewing. He had committed suicide. My Mother wanted a closed
casket. My Father's family wanted to be noisy and see him, so the
technicians worked many many hours on him, and he looked terrific.
You couldn't even tell.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
the anniversary of his death comes around each year. I think about
it for a few days and then it passes. I try not to dwell on it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have graduated with honors. My Dad was a stickler for
the grades. I would be married with children. My Mother's life,
on the other hand, would have been a living Hell.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my Daddy died.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back and make different decisions about my life.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
uncertainty. I wasn't allowed to see my Father in the Hospital or
play any role in the decision process.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
family. We were very active in the church then. They were felt
but not seen for the first week. There was food everywhere.
The Chaplain came to the house and talked to us and answered our
teenage questions about our Father killing himself as best he could.
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist
--Regarding MONEY:
it gave my Mother the opportunity to get us on our feet quite
nicely. There was some insurance money. He died in September.
My Mother took my brother, my Grand Mother and Myself on a Cruise for
Christmas so that we wouldn't be mopey and sad our first Christmas
without Daddy.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was a very nice service. He brought down the house one last time.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
everything was taken care of. My Mother had some decisions to make,
but there was so much support.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
if you have small children who want to see a dying parent or
relative, let them.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't know. I do know that I saw my Father in my friends kitchen
standing across the room from me. It was just for a few seconds,
but he was there.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I've never been able to understand what purpose that serves.
I have a very good friend who tells me all the time that I need to
go back and deal with things that happened to me as a child and
with the death of my Father. Why? Isn't the awareness enough.
I'm really not interested in digging up bones.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I had many conversations with my Dad since he's passed. Some good.
Some not. All helpful.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My Father has been dead for a few days. I was standing the kitchen
of a friend, and I turned around to see my Father standing across
the room from me. He was wearing his Hospital Whites. It only
lasted for a second or two, but he was there.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Quality of Life. When my Father shot himself, he did extensive
damage to his brain. They could have operated, but there was
only a 20% chance he would live, and if he did, he would have
been a vegatable for the rest of his life. Some would have done
the surgery. My Mother and my Father's closest friends who were
in the medical field, decided not to.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't know what to say, but feel something needs to be said.
I've considered my own death on occassion. If I knew I was going
to die very soon, I would try to make ammends to those I had hurt.
I think I would want to do and see as much as I could before I went.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
So that we could go on, we didn't talk about it much. For a short
while my Mother sent my Brother and I to counselling, but we didn't
talk about it at home. We weren't forbidden to, we just didn't.
I think it helped to get on with the business of living. Especially
considering the consiquences under which he died.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I think to a certain degree, it made me cold. People have been dying
in my life since I was five. I think it's helped (or hurt) to see
things very matter of factly. Most things to me are black and white.
Right or wrong. I leave very little room for gray in my life.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I developed a bond with my Best Friend, Kelli. She was wonderful,
and I probably didn't tell her enough. She still is, and I probably
still don't tell her enough.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I think kids want to understand, but because of the situation,
adults don't think to explain it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me realize that I don't have ghosts left to deal with.
I didn't get upset by the questions at all. It helped me to recall
some nice memories.
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Mon Feb 22 17:44:36 1999
F27 in , ohio =usa=
Name: tina
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, yrs15 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 60's.
--Details:
he died at home. he was very thin i did not cry when my mom told
me he died
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our life, just like when a plant dies ,it's gone there
is nothing it's just over
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried, feared death very afraid of dying
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my uncle died in a car accident when i was
seven he was my favorite uncle.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was glad he died i didnt like my grandfather. at his funeral i
cried out of relief
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
faith
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my grandmother died and didn't get to see my daughter she died
when i was seven months pregnant
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
help them threw any fear they might have
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Mon Feb 22 17:32:01 1999
F in , Ca ==
Email: <e.r.a-at-unforgettable.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo.com
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 2 yrs. ago.
Cause of Death: brain tumor; Aged: 53.
--Details:
This death affected me a lot. It took me about 2 months to get
over it. However I still cry once in awhile. She was someone I
admired, and someone who had helped me in my personal life. She
didn't deserve to die the way she did.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is transformation. It's when you leave your body, and
move on to a different place.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My great Grandmother died, and I was not
close to her. But it was the first time anyone I had known died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Is how everyone was so shocked by her death, it was so
sudden and quick. We always thought she'd live to be 100.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It isn't something to fear
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Was the reality of it. It reminds you of your own mortality. It's
final.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I think it's important for people who are dying to be with people
who love them. I think that when one is dying, your last thoughts
are important. I wouldn't want to leave in fear, or terror,
or alone. I would want to be with others who care and love me.
--[My acquaintance's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I believe this person contributed to his death. Everyone
kept talking about how sad it was that he was involved in
such a tragic accident. I always knew this person would die
young...but I thought it would be from a drug overdose. Instead
he was involved in a fatal car accident. I feel that because he
chose to start taking drugs again, that he brought himself back
into a negative element. The people he was hanging out with
were reckless, insensitive, and mean. They did not have his
best interest at heart,and I feel that this contributed to his
death. I feel everyhting happens for a reason, and his decision
to go back with these people ultimately ended him. The way he
died was irrelevant, he was dead before his car crash.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I'm not able to clearly understand the question, I believe I am
being asked " what about the process of death is most confusing
to you" My answer would be: suffering, It
seems pointless and harsh. Why do good people suffer?
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my aunt more before she died
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be very ill infront of my aunt, she needed to see what she was
afraid of.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
How a corpse should look after it's dead. Who the hell invented
this sick ritual? There is no need to fuss over a
dead body, and make it pretty. It seems this culture is so consumed
with vanity and presentation.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
The whole mortality thing again. It makes me feel
uncomfortable. I'm afraid of dying too soon, I'm uneasy about
thinking I could be cut short from life. I want to be able to
accomplish some dreams and goals before I die, and I
am worried that god may have other plans.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It's not fair that people die to soon, or have to suffer in
death. Life is hard enough without added pain.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
People in the medical field SUCK!!! They are ignorant ignorant
people and I feel sorry for them that they are so
incompetent, and living in a reality where they think they are
helping people. I also feel sorry for the people who go to them
for help, it's very tragic. I know that the medical field does
not know how to prevent, or cure illnesses or inbalances. The only
thing they are good for is covering up the pain. In many situations
they make things worse or are the cause of people's deaths.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
FUCK THEM!! I have gone through the experience, and some friends
and family have as well. They were uncompassionate, and cruel. My
opinion, and voice was not heard or listened to. They made me
feel like an insignificant child. I watched them misdiagnose,
and torture me ,and people I loved. I can say with conviction that
I hate doctors.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Organized religion means fear of death, fear of life, and
everything inbetween.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am not affiliated with anything of the norm
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
More truthful
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
At my aunts wake there were people there that didn't even
know her, and many of them were laughing and pretending nothing
was sad. It was sad because it was evident that her husband was
totally out of touch with who she was. She never would have wanted
it to be the way it was. It was ver fake.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I am not sure, My mother's friend claimed to see colors leaving
the top of my aunts head at the moment of her death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
It wasn't tramatic or hard to deal with
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Mon Feb 22 08:47:33 1999
M42 in Greenville , TX =USA=
Name: John LeJeune
Email: <vanman-at-koyote.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
College Professor recommended
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Prof/Studies: educator
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 68.
--Details:
My sister and I were present at the time of her death. She had been
in tremendous pain during the hours and minutes before her death.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A metamorphosis from a physical to a spiritual state of existance.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried and felt angry
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My best friend, best man, godfather to my
son died of choking in his home
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How it pulled my family closer together
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not the worst thing that can happen to a person.
Often, death can be a relief to the family of a person who is
experiencinglong-term suffering.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Dealing with the death of others has forced me to deal with my own
beliefs about death
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My personal religious beliefs
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The feeling of lonliness and abandonment. I felt like an orphan
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't spout platitudes. If the friend ants to talk, listen.
If not, just be available.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
suffered from severe depression. I had not realized how severe
depression could be and how long the grieving could take place.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend more time with the person in the days before the death
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I go to other funerals
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
but then again life is not fair either
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very supportive. My mother died with dignity
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
My siblings and I never squabbled over inheritance. i spent every
dime that I inherited as fast as I could.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How much my mother was loved
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am less afraid of death now that I have experienced the deaths
of several people who are close to me
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
visiting the cemetery
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My siblings and I are much closer that before
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
A little painful at times. I had a difficult time expressing my
feelings in my own words.
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Sun Feb 21 15:12:10 1999
F20 in Margate, FL =USA=
Name: Jannette
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
we had to look up pages for a research methods class
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Prof/Studies: Psychology Student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
poetry in general
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 4 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 52.
--Details:
She didn't want to stay and fight, but my family insisted, and she
had the surgury, and suffered a lot, instead of just dying after
the 2 weeks they gave her w/o the surgury...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of the life we have here on earth, as we know it... it's
moving on to something better and nicer, where we can choose to come
back, or not. Time is not percieved as linear there, so we can choose
to come back at any time, any place, and as *anybody*. So we can
live this life on earth as many times, or as few, as we wish... like
a role-playing game, where you're playing with other people, but
their choices of which character to take on next do not impede
your choices... a totally independant selection process... once a
life is *chosen*, it is then put back into the *bag* to be *chosen*
again by someone else....
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
don't really remeber what it was like, so I consider the death of
my aunt as the first experience I had with death (which was soon
followed by my 2nd and 3rd). before I could deal with *Klara's
death, her husband died in a car accident (2 months later), then
while trying to accept that, my dad had their dog (Tigger) put to
sleep. I loved tigger like I did my aunt & uncle, and she felt like
the only connection I had left to them. When my dad had her put down,
it felt like he took even that last little bit away. I didn't talk
to him for about a year after that (except the absolute minimum I
had to say coz I still lived with my parents)... It angered me more
that he killed the dog b/c Tigger was my brother's best friend,
he had adopted her, ans she him... so when my dad took her away,
he was very hurt... and I can't really forgive him for that, even
tho I talk to him once again, and things are better between us,
I don't forget what he did coz he hurt someone I care about...
--That first time, how it happened was
(tho my grandfather died when I was younger then one year old,
I don't really remeber it... How it happened was...My aunt (whom
was like a second mother) died after a year and a half long battle
with cancer. We were supposed to be strong about it around her... I
think that was the hardest thing, coz I would have liked to cry
with her about it sometime... (I was 13)
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
total shock... it was a boy who had gone to my HS the year before,
but had transferred to another school... he died suddenly of
meningitis, and I remeber hearing about a death, but b/c the media
used his full name, I didn't know it was him until I saw his picture
on the news... then I just sat & cried for an hour... this happened
about 5 months after my aunt died...
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's something that makes us realize how valuable the one that died
was... we need to recognize people's value before they die...
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
after my aunt & uncle died, they left their house to my brother and
I... I moved out of my house and into that one at the age of 17 in
order to escape the chaos in my parents house. Thinking back, I don't
know how I would have survived had I continued living at home. It
was all just too much... I had seriously considered suicide (even
had a plan, and was about to carry it out when I got scared) before
I moved out... The escape helped me make it through that time...
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my dog, Flopsy... she would come in & just sit with me quietly
while I cried my eyes out, and she'd sleep with me at night when
I felt so alone I thought I was the only person with any emotions
left on the planet. Animals are loving & nonjudgemental, and they
know when you just need to sit & cry with someone...
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my aunt had bee the *glue* that held my family together... after
she died, my parents faught incessantly, and I had no one to turn
to anymore...
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
even if the person changes (their attitudes and mannerisms), remeber
who they were before they changed, and make sure to tell then you
love them... And don't be afraid to share your feelings about the
person's death with him or her... they probably want someone to
tell their fears and feelings to as much as you do....
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
hmm... really good question... I still don't know how to cope with
matters, so I can't say I've learned that... but maybe I could say
that there is always something good that comes out of the person's
death, even if it doesn't happen right away... I fell apart after
my aunt died (depression, eating disorders, self-injury, suicide
attempt...) but her death wasn't the only reason... It simply opened
the door to all the *crap* I hadn't dealt with yet...
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she wanted to die without the surgery... she didn't want to prolong
her suffering... She was at peace with her life & herself, but the
rest of my family wasn't... now I wonder why family, friends & loved
ones are so adament about keeping someone alive even though they
may be ready to die... why make the rest of their life miserable
so that we can feebly (sp??) grasp at the strings that keep them
with us... The person who is dying will only regret leaving, and
have to re-think their acceptance of death. They become frightened
by something that previously they were not afraid of...
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i never had that feeling, wanting to cry & to scream & to destroy
something, yes, but never laugh...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
stay close with my aunt thru her illness... and I would consider it a
regret, b/c it was my choice not to... I wish I had the opportunity
to tell her how much she meant to me... and how much it hurt to see
her like that, in so much pain... and I wish I had the opportunity to
get closer to my uncle before he died... He was such a nice man. He
had his faults, but he also had his lovable qualities... I miss
the old *grouch*... The day of my aunt's funeral, he apologised to
me for useing her car without asking me first... he knew Klara had
given it to me, but he hadn't wanted to drive his pick-up to the
funeral... all I could think when he told me that was that he had
every right to use the car, he didn't have to ask, coz it wasn't
mine, I still considered it Klara's...
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
The day she died, my parents had told me to go spend some time
with her, at least say my good-bye's coz it didn't look good, they
didn't think she would make it thru the weekend... We (my parents
& I) sat on the driveway that night & watched the stars & talked
(about something, but I can't remeber what it was... either about
Klara, or about trivial things...) but anyway... after a while,
my dad suggested my mom & I go home coz it was getting late (we
lived down the street), so I went into the house once more to
see her, then walked home. At home, I put in a Patti Loveless cd,
and put the last track on repeat (it's called "How Can I Help You
(To Say Goodbye)")... I had considered that *our* (my aunt & I's)
song... about 5 mins after it finished the first time, my dad walked
in the door to tell us Klara had died... He couldn't talk through
all his tears, but we knew... so my mom & I went over to see her
one last time (my brother didn't want to go, he just locked himself
in his room)... I cried hard that night, it was so weird to see her
there, as if she were still sleeping in the bed, but you could tell
she wasn't there anymore... I like to think she died when our song
ended, kinda like a final good-bye...
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i remeber all my regrets, and mistakes... and her hurt...
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We'd be making cookies again, and enjoying movies... but I wouldn't
be going to school so far away from home, and a lot would still be
inside me that has since found it's way out...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why did she have to get sick when *Bitch woman* was fine... why
couldn't *Bitch* have died instead of Klara???!!!! The whole world
would have been a nicer place if it were rid of *her*
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep for a really long time, but have all the knowlege & experience
I would gain going thru life would be there when I woke up... As if
I had DID, one aspect would go thru all this sh*t, while the part
of me that remebers everything would be comfortably asleep... and
safe... but that's a stupid wish...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
when my uncle died, my brother came in to tell me... for some reason
I thought he was playing a cruel practical joke, maybe it was
the way he had said it, but in any case, i didn't believe him. I
went in to the other room where my mom was & she acknowleged that
indeed, he was dead... it was really weird coz we found out through
a message left on our answering machine. He had died earlier that
week on his way back from Canada. It had taken the police a while
to track us down. They had tried calling his house, but no one was
there... it felt so unreal. Like a dream. Maybe the message helped
that feeling, and that it had happened out of state... but I just
couldn't believe he had died... Then I started thinking of his dog
(we were taking care of her while he was away... little did we know
it would be for the rest of her life)... what would her life be
like? She had just lost the two people who had rescued her & given
her a loving home... and all of a sudden neither was coming back to
take her home... It must have been the worst feeling in the world...
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
mixed feelings, hospice was very helpful, but the dr's at the
hspital were pretty crappy....
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I was glad they were there so she could die at home, where she was
comfortable, and (hopeflly) happier, and where the term *visiting
hours* did not exist...
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing... Klara was very religious (roman catholic), but she was
the only one in the family... I was more apt to believe there's
something out there that is watching, but not the same i was taught
at school...
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic basis, but now more spiritual, taking parts from
almost every religion and/or belief system... it seems to fit better
--Regarding MONEY:
still not resolved... an estranged relative wants to claim the
estate... but she had no inclination of claiming the body of my
uncle when he died... she wants the house, the money and the car
though... how petty...
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I wasn't allowed to say anything about her, and I really had wanted
to... even wrote a poem, which somehow got lost that day...
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my aunt recieved a *phone call* at three in the morning (the
time my grandfather -- her father died almost 15 years ago)... it
was a hang-up, but she believed it to have been my g-pa warning
her... (this was before she was diagnosed)... And Klara still
*visits* me when I dream... so does her husband, and Tigger... It
helps with tough times... Klara sat upright in bed just before
she died, looked at her mom & smiled as she said that her dad was
there to take her home... and then she died...
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd like to tell her that I'm really sorry for abandoning her when
she was sick... and I want her to know that I still loved her,
but was scared, and didn't know what to do... And I'd like to make
cookies again with her for one last time... and maybe take Tigger &
my dogs to the beach with her...
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
The dreams I mentioned before... and something kind of stupid:
one day (after I had moved into my aunt & uncle's house), I was in
the closet digging through stuff for the heck of it... I had looked
up onto the top shelf of the closet, and seen a straw hat with a
shawl around it sitting under a halloween witch's hat... I didn't
find it interesting, so I turned to another corner of the closet to
dig there. When I turned around again, the two hats were sitting
on the floor, with the shawl in exactly the same position as they
had been on the top shelf. I figured they had simply fallen, but
two things make me wonder: 1)the shawl should have fluttered into
a different position, and 2) it had been at the back of the shelf,
not near the edge, so what would have made it fall?
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would want a party if I died... I think it would be cool that the
people I was close to & those I simply knew were able to remeber
the good about me, and not afraid to party about the life I had... I
don't think dying is a final end, it's just a step, so why cry when
someone's *promoted*?
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Well, having been close to suicide, I'd have to say I've thought
about it... but it was a different mind-set. Now, when I think
I could die tomorrow (or even today), I think of all the things
I havn't done, like told people that I really care about just how
much they mean to me... and I havn't had a chance to help everybody
yet... but that last one isn't really an obstacle... I'd be ok with
dying soon, I don't really want to, coz I want to see the future,
and I want to have children in my life....
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
writing poetry & stories & in my journal.... the rest are all pretty
much mal-adaptive (SI, Anorexia, reckless driving/walking)...
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
my friend *Judy... she's older then I am (by about 20 years), but
we still can enjoy spending time together, a lot like my aunt & I
used to do. We go to the movies, the beach, talk on the phone for
hours, go shopping, she also lets me spend the night when things
at home get too much... our relationship is a lot like the one I
had with Klara...
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
aside of developing an eating disprder (anorexia)... I just dreamed
of her... like she was only on an extended vacation
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
the worst thing a parent (or adult) can do is tell a child not to
cry infront of someone they love b/c that person is dying... it's
like saying you don't have feelings for that person, and then they
just start being bottled up
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
a shoulder to cry on... and acceptance that I will cry about it
coz I cared for her...
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was moving, and made me think about some of the things I had
wanted to remeber, but forgotten... it was also helpful to simply
say some things, get it off my chest...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Feb 20 18:57:01 1999
F24 in Downers Grove, Illinois =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Marketing
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 21.
--Details:
My best friend and another friend died in a car accident that is
still undermined reasons. The death of my best friend was the most
awful experience to endure. It has however made me a different,
better person.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and didn't really understand.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...is that I came home from school and the
neighbor was there. She told me my Grandma was sick and my mom was
with her. When my mom's car pulled up in the driveway I ran out.
I asked her what happened and she told me my Grandma died. I was
close to my Grandma, but my parents didn't let me go to the funeral
((I was 9.) When they came home from the funeral my dad came and
hugged me and was crying about how much he would miss his mom.
I remember that part perfectly.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
is the disbelief and shock that she was never coming back.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that whatever emotions you have, it is OK to let them show and it
is OK to talk about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I met my true love.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my ability to write poetry and express my true emotions.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the reality of never seeing that person again.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
got through it and that every thing does get better in time.
I still miss her but the pain is less.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it happened so quickly.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that didn't happen to me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see her the day before she left for vacation and give her a hug
and tell her I love her. (She died on her way home from vacation)
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I wrote poetry
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
crying.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at pictures or video.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My life would be so different if this hadn't happened. I have
changed careers, my home, everything. All because of choices I
made with out her in my life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she died so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
got really angry and concentrated on every one else instead of
my feelings.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that my belief in God and Heaven helped me to feel calm about where
she is now.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like it is true
--Regarding MONEY:
it became an issue later in developing lawsuits which is so sad,
because money won't bring anyone back.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was wonderful. It was a service outside in a park and it was
a beautiful day. I am so glad it was non-traditional.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
going to sleep at night for fear she may come to me and I would
be scared.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
there was shock, pain, anger, reality, sadness, and moving on.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I was standing in the kitchen of her house and I felt some one
pich my side (as she used to do) and I thought it was her brother
or father. When I turned around there was no one there, and I
know it was her. I also get these feeling of a presence around me-
not too often- but I just feel her. When this happens I say hi
to her and smile and the feeling leaves. I know she is letting me
know she is still watching over me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I just told her I would miss and love her always, and just telling
her that out loud I truly feel she heard me.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am scared of my own death. I know I would be in Heaven, but I
am not ready to be there and I get scared thinking about it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
poetry and talking out loud to her
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Every night before I go to sleep and after I pray, I always tell
her goodnight and anything else going on in my life.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I met my boyfriend because I made friends with a girl at work.
I feel like it was all meant to work out this way .
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
My mom always made me talk about my feelings
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
My dad crying in front of me, made me so sad for him
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me think about things I don't really take the time to
think about.
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Sat Feb 20 01:14:42 1999
F45 in Shamokin, Pa. =u.s.=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: nurse
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More personal info:
I wouldn't mind hearing from others who are or have gone through
this. I need advice on how to get on with life.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 7 mos. ago.
Cause of Death: auto accident; Aged: 35.
--Details:
She lived 8 mos. and 8 days, was a quadraplegic, had a trach,kept
getting pneumonia.Went into cardiac arrest and died suddenly.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
sad.Its full of unanswered questions for some left behind.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
got physically sick.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather,mom,dad, and I came to Pa. to
celebrate my cousins wedding. My grandfather died in his sleep the
night before.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I didn't get to say a final goodbye. If only I knew she wouldn't
make it, I had so many things to tell her yet. I'll never know if
she was scared.
--What I think my (u.s.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
some of us feel no one understands us anymore after we lose a
loved one and don't want to avoid the topic and go on like oh well,
get over it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
support from some people that I didn't expect.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my faith in God.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
accepting the fact that we can't talk and the guilt of being
left alive.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't avoid talking about their condition with them, don't avoid
visiting them,don't put up a wall around you and pretend everything
is alright or wil be alright,touch them.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
will never take another day in my life for granted.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized I should have seen it coming since I'm a nurse but I
went into denial.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didn't laugh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her more often how much she had touched my life and how much
she meant to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend 8 months longer with her after the accident.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at her in videos and pictures.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would be better than this life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she's gone and I'm still here. I'm 10 yrs. older and she had
so much going for her.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
get the nerve up to go with her somehow.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wanted to go with her. I was so worried she was scared and maybe
had tried to ring her call bell for help but suffocated all alone.I
was always her support when she was scared and I wasn't there for
her. I am so angry because I don't and never will know for sure
what really happened.I dwell on those thoughts alot.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
mixed emotions. There are excellent people working these types of
jobs but there are negligent ones too. I have seen alot in my past
16 yrs of nursing.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
hope.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
confused,
--Regarding MONEY:
it wasn't an issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how organized and beautiful it was.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I kept researching everything from embalming, caskets, vaults
etc. and this was way after the funeral! I still have many
questions.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
what the dying person says or doesn't say which you know is not
the norm for that person.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I was in denial.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I'll never know but like to believe she saw her mom who helped her
go without fear or panic.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Years ago, my uncle had a very bad heart attack. When he came home
from the hospital he told everyone he did have this happen. He was
one of the most honest men I ever recall.I believed him just because
of the look on his face and the peace that had come over him. He
said he'd never be afraid to die and when he did, it was so peaceful.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I'm not sure.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I think I would feel better if she could tell me she is happy and
safe and back again with her mom to watch over her.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Wendy has come to me in my dreams twice now.I was so happy because
in my dream, I was looking over her dead body in a bed.Suddenly
she started moving her extremities. I was elated due to her
quadraplegia but I kept saying "you're dead, what will I tell
everyone now"? You're suppose to be dead". It ended then but I took
that as maybe she was trying to tell me that now she can move her
body, just like on earth.That she no longer is in any pain. I guess
its my faith that God is taking care of her now that caused me to
look at that dream like I did. Sometimes I feel she's in the room
with me but its at night and I'm always looking forward for the
next time because I guess I think she's looking out for me .
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
She didn't have a living will. I believe in that strongly.Her
family made many decisionsI know she wouldn't have wanted but I
had to keep quiet.I already have my wishes known and documented.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have thought about it daily. I feel lost now. I am ready to go
too. I don't know why I feel this way. I have a wonderful son with
a grandchild on the way but I am so lonely. I've lost interest in
things that use to be important to me.I worry about my son and how
hard it would be on him if I died now. We are close. But truthfully,
besides my son, I don't care if I go soon. I feel I've experienced
enough good things in my life and I could escape any more losses
if I died.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
A few friend and I bought her and eternal candle for her grave.We
sometimes go to her at night and just talk to her at the grave and
replace the candle. It gives us comfort cause we know she would have
liked that candle. She would have joked about it. She had a real gift
for laughing and humor. Most times during the day, I just sit against
her stone and talk my heart ,cry to her,bring her tokens of love. I
try to believe that just maybe she sees me there and can hear me.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have a friend who was so very good to me after the death and
funeral. We remain very close now. She is the only one who actually
likes to talk about it all.She feels that Wendy really does try
to communicate with her but she's not sure what she's trying to
tell her.She thinks she is suppose to watch out for me-is overly
supportive. She has dreams but won't tell me what they are about.She
was not a real close friend to either of us before all this but she
is convinced that the deceased do contact us here with requests. We
are both baffled.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
abandonment, being buried in the ground
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I haven't done much to reach out to others. I don't have the energy.I
go to work now and thats all I can handle.I wish others would stop
trying to avoid me lest the topic might come up.I realize most
people feel uncomfortabe or don't know what to say, but I need to
talk about her. She would want me to keep her memory alive.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I feel better. It's 4a.m. and I haven't slept yet but this was so
helpful. I know I have a long way to go to heal but I know somebody
out there cares enough about the topic to try to help others get thru
this horrible experience.If no one wants to talk to me about it,
well,I got some things off my chest with a computer.Glad I found
this tonight.
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Fri Feb 19 19:28:20 1999
F43 in new glasgow, nova scotia =canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: nursing
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
how we die
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
sherwin nuland
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, yrs35 ago.
Cause of Death: drowning; Aged: 13.
--Details:
the friend was accused constantly by his mother for causing the
death and commited suicide shortly thereafter
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life's journey
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt like it was not happening,unreal and just could not be true
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my cousin accidently drown when he and a
friend took a canoe out on the water at night
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that it was taboo to speak of
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is more open and spoken of today
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a person told me that when you die you become one of the stars in the
heavens looking down on us.As a child I found this very comforting.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
in my profession (nursing) I have found that the clients and their
families give double back whatever amount I have put in.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the guilt endure by others at that time
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
touching is so important
--[My acquaintance's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
not to avoid areas I once found uncomfortable because they are so
important for the dying to discuss
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the person lost control and was no longer able to let their wishes
be known
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was fear
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to say how much I truly cared
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see their smile each time I walked in
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
their hands would often be clutched in a fist and yet relaxed once
someone held their hand
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I cannot think of anything that I would ever say did not matter,
it always matters to someone therefore becomes important
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember a kind word they said
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
kinder and with more tolerance I hope,can't imagine what it would
look like
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when anyone young dies
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
always stay focus and do more for the ones I love
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
closure
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
part of the medical community,can't disassosiated myself
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
more imformed and comfortable feeling with death
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
peace and forgiveness
--Religious Affiliation:
united
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like tears we all shed them
--Regarding MONEY:
did not matter
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the kind thoughts shared about the deceased.I also notice that often
it is the families who comfort those who come to the remains more
so than recieving comfort
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
involuntary muscle movement after death.this person's hand kept
coming up in the air as if waving goodbye
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the calm before the storm.how they brighten up just before they die
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
they are now a star
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
only once when a lady seen her husband she seemed so happy to know
he was there waiting for her
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
my mother arrested during surgery.she remembers floating above them
and watching all the comotion and yet having a wonderful sense of
calm.she does not fear death at all but regards it as a natural
course of events
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no issues
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
can't imagine that
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
as a child I used to squeeze over to the side of the bed to made
room for an angel to sleep
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
let them have their wishes whenever possible
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have always considered myself the luckiest person in the world
even as a child. I am loved strongly by my parents ,siblings
and their children,spouse and children.nothing but people have
ever been important to me I have so mamy riches that if I had to
go tomorrow I would considermy life the best that it could have
been.There is nothing lacking, any business that I didn't finish
was not important, I always made sure that they each were loved and
special to me every chance I got.And the rewards will last me forever
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talking well of the deceased, that they had an impact on our lives
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
to always try to make those around me feel good about just being
who they are
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
many. and can honestly say they have given me much more after the
deaths than I was able to give them at the time of
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
taking palliative care course. a hug.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
enjoyable. help think about what is really important to me and
those I effect
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
when someone is dying they need to know that it is okay for them
to go.how do you feel one could let them know this?Would you be
comfortable with this?
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Fri Feb 19 11:10:23 1999
F22 in Guelph, Ontario =Canada=
Name: xKrIsTeNx
Email: <kristen-at-uoguelph.ca>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
in psych of death and dying course
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Prof/Studies: animal science major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 51.
--Details:
hit me and my family hard...it is still hitting hard because they did
the same thing as they did with the dog....pretend it never happened.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
cessation of all body functions including brain activity
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't cry
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my dog died...I was just told it was sleeping
in the ground now. It wasn't explained to me at all. The crying
of my mother was hidden from us.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the crying of everyone else
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to talk about it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
he wasn't suffering from massive stress anymore,, brought the rest
of the family closer together
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
ability to through myself into school work
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
all the memories
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was a natural reaction. Although ppl looked at me like I
was crazy when my brother and I were joking around..it was just a
natural tension breaker.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
force him to go to the hospital sooner and made sure my brother
came with us
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
support my mother emotionally
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i got lots of hugs and a little teddy bear to hold on tothe..
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the...I'm sorry comments
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he died so young and suddenly
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
fly away
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
feel into a deep depression and drank alot
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
cold and sterile. They didn't seem to understand.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--Religious Affiliation:
united
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
nope...not to me....I believe once u are dead...u are gone...no
other lives...no soul or spirit leaves us...dead! Just passage and
food for the worms now!
--Regarding MONEY:
of the funeral. I mean...150 dollars for a glorified cardboard
refridgerator box!!!!! what is that all about. Or 450 dollars
for a 6 piece of wood box for ashes.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that it was busy. Lots of people.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when the funeral home director tried to PUSH me into the viewing
room to see the body that I didn't care to see.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
telling stories
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
just wasn't talked about...in time forgot that the dog should be
there when I got home from school
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was a little long...i know it has to be that way...but i found
myself skipping over more questions than I should have just cuz I
was getting frustrated
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Thu Feb 18 23:42:35 1999
F45 in akron, ohio =usa=
Email: <redroofblues-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
interested in near death expereinces and also in suicides(not Mine)!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 11 years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 51.
--Details:
I know that my mother had been having some emotional problems,
plus the fact that my father was cheating on her didn't help.
She was receiving counseling and she seemed to be doing just fine.
But I guess we were all mistaken. I have heard several rumors of her
being involved in drugs and my father was missing several thousands
of dollars from his business. And everyhting seemed to irritate her.
I do think that she planned suicide for many many months. She was
the backbone of the family. She completely tore this family up and
I feel much hatred for her at this point, though I do love my mother.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the ceasing to exist
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused. I didn't understand why this person just laid there
and why everyone was crying.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My mother was pregnant with what would have
been her last child as my father had a vasectomy to prevent any
further children. My mother lost the child at full term.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the disbelief, the shock, the numbness, the horror, the pain,
the emptiness
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
we should celebrate the passing of a soul instead of crying over it.
They've gone on to something better than the hell that we live
in now.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Jesus Christ - being able to go to Him and knowing that He will
not put anything on me that I cannot handle
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the feeling of desertion
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
hold their hand and let them know that they were loved. I was
holding the hand of my first "husband" while he was in a comma and
we knew that death was very near for him. I am glad that I had
the opportunity to let him know that I loved him. Unfortunately,
I left for a minute to go to the restroom and before I got there
he was gone.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am trying to deal with suicide, not successfully, but that I have
become a stronger person and don't ned her to lean on anymore.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The whole process confuses me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell her I appreciated her
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
flew into a fit a rage, mostly anger, that my mother was so weak
to do such a stupid thing
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Thu Feb 18 01:20:15 1999
M38 in Watertown, SD =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Lycos search "death"
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, several hours ago.
Cause of Death: self inflicted gunshot; Aged: 19.
--Details:
He has had a significant number of medical situation throughout
his life including siezures which started with the onset of puberty.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of the physical presence and the freeing of the spiritual
presence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
observed others around me, probably due to my age, I was somewhat
less affected
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...great grandfather died when I was 9, that
death was handled well however at 12, a great grandmother died and
I was significantly more cognizant of her loss.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Trying to understand why.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be there for him when he needed someone.
--Religious Affiliation:
Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod (WELS)
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Faith in God
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Wed Feb 17 20:12:09 1999
F22 in , Maine =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student/biology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 72.
--Details:
It happened 2 days after Christmas and 1 day after a big 50th
anniversery party for another great aunt and greatuncle. It was
also only a week after his and his wife's 50th anniversery party.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an unknown experience that many of us fear to think and talk about.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young and didn't understand it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my neighbor's daughter, the sister of one of
my childhood friends, went into a comma and died unexpectedely.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the way everyone tried to remember the good times and good things
about my uncle.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to talk about it and cope with it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my loved ones were finally out of pain. Two of my close
relatives died of cancer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own strength and rememberance of loved ones.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
realizing that I would never again talk or see that person for the
rest of my natural life.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
finally learned that it's Ok to talk about him and explain my
relationship to people I have met after his death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
right before it happened.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have gone to my greatuncle and greataunt's 50th anniversary party.
I had finals and couldn't make it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
some event happens in my life and I can't wait to share it with
my mom and dad, but it's only my mom. It's like for that brief
moment, I had forgotten.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My life would be very different if my dad was alive. Not necessarily
for the better, just different.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
for so many important people to be taken away from mre in such a
short span of time. I have lost 4 people in the last 7 years.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
get people to understand what it's like. Sometimes close friends
who didn't know me then think I'm looking for sympathy when I'm
just looking to talk and share.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and remebered how it was before he had been sick.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they tried all they could.
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding MONEY:
it changed our lifestyle afterwards. My dad was the main
breadwinner, so budget tightened.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how unreal it all seemed. I felt like it was surreal.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
trying to get rid of the feeling that bad luck hung over our family.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Wed Feb 17 19:41:13 1999
M28 in Richardson, TX =USA=
Name: David
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Prof/Studies: Software Engineer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Suicide, gunshot to the head; Aged: 82.
--Details:
My father was visiting him and my grandmother shortly after
Christmas. My father took my grandmother to the mall to return
a gift. When they returned, they found my grandfather outside in
a secluded area.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our bodies break down and no longer support life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt horrible, because I had caused it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... It was my friend's new kitten. He was
showing me how a cat always lands on its feet. To my young mind,
landing on your feet meant not getting hurt. Sadly, this wasn't
the case.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the anger my relatives felt toward my grandfather for taking his
own life. I also felt angry, because suicide for me was a ticket
straight to oblivion. I don't like thinking of my grandfather in
those terms.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to rethink its attitude of life at any cost (ie: keeping someone
alive in spite of their wishes).
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death offers something to look forward to. Though there's no
proof of life after death, I think there is such a thing. And if
I'm wrong, what does it matter to me? I wouldn't do anything
different with my life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My beliefs of a better life after death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my inability to share my feelings about the experience. They didn't
seem in synch with those around me.
--[My dog's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realized I really *do* believe in a better life after death.
It put my view of life in a completely different context.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was trying to express something inexpressable. Like trying to
open a box with the crowbar inside of it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
First learn about death through second or thirdhand knowledge.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
clarify my beliefs concerning death.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the body after death. Someone mentioned during the funeral how
strange it was to think of the body lying in the coffin just two
feet away. To me it was just leftover junk.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
When my grandmothers die, I'd like to see them as they were before
alzheimers and decrepitude stole them away.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my grandfather commited suicide. According to my beliefs,
that's a (metaphysical) hanging offense. Now I have to either
alter my beliefs or believe that he's either void or suffering.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt horrible, prayed for forgiveness, and vowed to make amends
somehow.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Sadness. We can keep someone alive for much longer than is good
for them, and frequently do.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
My God, I hope my death is quick.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was raised in a Baptist church, and have since drifted to a
general belief in God. My beliefs are no longer Baptist, or even
Christian, however.
--Regarding MONEY:
It was not an issue. He was survived by a wife in the early stages
of alzheimers, and the money he left will go to her care.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that they didn't seem to remember who it was that died. Everything
was remembered as sweetness and light, which it was not. Two things
I want said about me when I die is: (1) He could be a right bastard
at times; and (2) Man, that guy owed me a lot of money.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The revision of the deceased's memory. At least for myself, *I* want
to be remembered, not some fantasy version of the perfect life.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
bullet holes in the skull (sorry, bad taste). I am somewhat
horrified by the nursing home. It was quite nice, and seemed
well run, treating its patients with care and respect. But most
(hopefully all, if I think about it) of the patients were it the
latter stages of dementia.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want people to laugh. I'd like something of an Irish wake,
where stories could be told, jokes could be made, good music, etc.
If I have a slow death, I want D.N.R. tattoed on my forehead for
the doctors to see. Mostly, I want to die quickly so people
won't forget who I was while waiting for me to get on with it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm looking forward to it. As I said earlier, I believe in a good
afterlife, so death is something of a comforting thought to me.
Mind you, the actual dying part causes some trepidation (I mean,
I might be horribly tortured or something), but I figure I'll
muddle through somehow.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I tell the deceased everything I want to tell them, explaining
how I feel, or why I behaved a certain way, or what they meant
to me. Since I believe in an afterlife, it's as good to me as
saying it when they were alive, save that they can't talk back.
Sometimes this is a good thing.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Nope. I'm reserved by nature, and withdraw during grief. The
opportunity to make friends during such a time is, therefore, remote.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
After I got out on my own, I saved a kitten from a shelter, and
now take care of it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
Though both my friend and I were throwing it in the air, it died
on my turn.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
My own feelings didn't change much. I've thought this stuff out
previously since it's important to me.
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Wed Feb 17 08:53:30 1999
F29 in Los Angeles, California =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Came here via a search on Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Singer
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Can't remember the name.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1yr, 3 mos ago.
Cause of Death: diabetes; Aged: 28.
--Details:
He was really my best friend and the man I was in love with for
10 years. He was driving his truck on the highway, went into a
freak diabetic coma, swerved across opposing traffic and smashed
into a tree, causing severe internal injuries which killed him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our physical association with someone else. They go away,
and we can no longer see or touch them, but we can still and always
will feel them in our heart.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand what was going on, couldn't imagine it, and cried
all the time.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I was in eighth grade, and my best friend
collapsed one weekend when a blood vessel in her brain just burst.
She went into a coma and died the next day.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how accessible my emotions were on that day. I was calm as I took
care of business, called his friends to tell them, collected his
things and made funeral arrangements, but I have never been able
to get back to that state of emotional release I was in when I
got the phone call. Even now, I feel this vast ocean of sorrow,
emptiness and tears inside of me, but I can't touch it or let any
of it out. I wish I could go back to that moment, just be, scream,
cry, feel.... just get an instant of that freedom and release,
because it sure was better than what I am feeling now.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
people need to share in the grieving process. It's not like it just
happens, you comfort that person, and then their life moves on and
they are okay. Their life will move on, but the grief doesn't go
away, whether it is 3 days later or 3 decades. Grieving is a very
lonely process it seems. No one wants to talk about it, when maybe
that's the best thing after all.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I finally know how he felt about our relationship over the last
decade, as I was given a song he had written about it which spoke
the words we never could when he was alive.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
his t-shirt he wore right before he died, and music.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the feeling of groundlessness. He had truly been my rock, my earth.
Everything that happened in my life, thought that passed through my
mind, was bounced off of him... shared with him. We were at that
point where you don't know where you end and he begins anymore.
It is tough to keep moving when a huge part of you is gone.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
n/a
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I feel like I haven't really learned much of anything from this
hideous experience except never to leave words unspoken. We had
loved each other for so long. He knew how I felt, but he never
told me how he felt; I had to read it after he died. That was no
way to leave me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I wasn't confused. It just WAS. There was nothing confusing about
it. It was an act, something that happened that no one can undo.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
haven't felt it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see him one last time, kiss him just once, and say the words face
to face that I had only written about before.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
make it through the first week. I had to go to his truck, see it
soaked in his blood, help write the eulogy, and sing "Amazing Grace"
at his funeral. Everyone was a mess around us, but my other best
friend and I somehow managed to keep it together and pull through.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
a private viewing time. Even though it was immensely painful,
it gave me a sense of reality and almost closure. I was able to
tuck a small memento into his pocket, which gives me peace because
it is still there with him.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
can't think of anything.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am still in the middle pf it, have barely begun to deal with it,
I think. Even though time has passed, I am still there with him,
still loving him, and still so dreadfully alone.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would put it on the line.... be there more, would have made that
visit when he asked me to come, and moved to Nashville like he'd
asked me to.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he will never be a husband or a father to someone; that people
will never hear his music. (He was working on a record deal with
Warner Bros.) ...that he will never write or finish all those
songs that were in his soul.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
leave everything in my life behind (except my family), take a few
months and sail around the world alone and just "be", then move
far away where no one knew me, and start a new life.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt adrift. I still do.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
resignment. No one could explain why he'd fallen into a coma or
what had happened. It was "Extremely rare", they said, and nothing
could have been done to predict this would happen.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a place to pray... words of comfort, even though I may not be as
devout as others.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic.... still sort of am.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
crappy.
--Regarding MONEY:
he provided a gift for his brother and sister, a surprise they
never could have imagined with his insurance. Even though it is
no substitution for having him around, it has given her a nestegg
to help with her new baby.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how loved he was. There were about 8 or 10 of us that had flown
thousands of miles to me there, people who hadn''t seen each other
in 8 or 9 years, but he was a lynchpin - a central meeting point
that brought us all together again.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
calling all his ex's. I was the "Ex-Girlfriend" patrol, phoned EVERY
ONE OF THEM and broke the news... even to his current girlfriend.
It was alnost a satire, to offer all these words of love and support,
how much they meant to him, when I had loved him and been in his
life through all of them. Very absurd...
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think more that resolving things with him, I just need to be able
to talk about him once more. I used to tell a million stories,
things would remind me of him constantly. Now I can't say it to
anyone, and it is strange.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just tell him I loved him.... how much I missed and needed
him, and ask him what to do. My life seems like such a sham.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
He never came back to "visit", but there was a moment of incredible
peace and love. I had to sing "amazing Grace" at the funeral, and
as it went on, I was sure I couldn't make it. I finally stood and
started to sing the first few words, looking anywhere but the casket.
Then, I felt him there, all around me. He was laughing and "said"
to me: look what I had to do to finally get you to sing for me.
(I never would, intimidated because he was so good.) I felt him
full of love, holding me up, and I was stronger... sang it only
for him, right to him. He was there, and he listened.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'd just want to make sure that everyone knew how much I loved them.
Write letters...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Whenever I am feeling weak or needing him, I wear his t-shirt (the
one he wore the morning of the day he died), and I feel stronger.
I also wrote him a letter one day after he died, put it in an
envelope, wrote his name on it, and dropped it in the mail. It had
been such a part of my life, all the letters I'd written him over
the years, that it gave me a sense of normality.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still wear that t-shirt often.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
None.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
A girl I barely knew would not let me get too down, and she really
saved me.... kept me laughing and talking, sat beside me in class
and held my hand.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
It feels like you can't talk about the person anymore because it
makes people uncomfortable... no one want to hear, or no one knew
them the way you did.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish my other best friend and I could talk about it, but he
just can't. So now there is this big grey area, this huge wedge,
between us, that neither one of us can tread into. I want to,
but I don't think that he can handle it.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was good to "talk" about it, even though I am typing this in
anonymously. It's more support that I have gotten from anyone
I know. Sad statement, eh?
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Wed Feb 17 02:47:16 1999
F21 in Yorba Linda, CA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
on Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Entertainment
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: I think mostly old age; Aged: 85.
--Details:
It's weird but all of a sudden her body slowly began to deteriorate.
About a week or so before her death she had to go to a nursing home.
And her final days were spent asleep in a bed and her lips were
always dry which for some reason saddened me greatly.
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--Death Is:
forever losing another being in our life. We all impact each other's
lives to varying degrees. usually the more a person is involved in
our life the more we hurt when they go. But some believe that after
our period here on earth we move to another plane of existence right
after death. When we move to that other plane all the people who
we have known to have died are there. No exact details are known
and beliefs of what is like varies greatly from person to person
and culture to culture
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and did not really understand it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandmother passed away. I had
spent time at her house as a very young child up until about 6
or so. I don't think I was very attached to her. I heard from
my mother she passed away. I don't think I really understood it.
All I really knew at the time was that my mom was going to her
funeral and I wasn't going. And a short time after that I was
given a favorite item from the house that I really liked. I can't
remember much about the event as a whole.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
A great sadness, much crying. But also periods where I didn't
feel that sadness - either I was numb or it didn't seem to be
affecting me.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that no matter what, it's going to happen to you
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that it ended the suffering of my grandmother when she passed away
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
probably my mother, who let me know it was OK to feel whatever I
was feeling because there was no right or wrong there.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The actual dying part. They're not going to live, yet death won't
take them yet and they have to suffer.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
That is how the body and mind copes with all the sadness and stress
of the situation. You must be able to release otherwise it could
probably consume you. It doesn't mean that you are bad or don't
respect the person who has passed away. it's just a weird human
thing
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I have no regrets. The one thing I wanted to do with my grandmother
before her death was to let her know I loved her and I did.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
function and graduate high school mere days after her death.
She died as I was takign final exams and I missed out on a couple
of year end school events, but I was able to go through graduation
and such OK.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't really know.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
That my grandmother would be prayed for, would get into heaven,
would have a funeral in a church. But personally I don't really
believe in much of what was going on because my mother's and my
grandmother's religion is not mine.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was raised as a Catholic, but right now I don't identify
with any religion, but I do believe in karma, and on sone level
reincarnation....as in geez I must have been really good in a past
life to be so lucky in this one.
--Regarding MONEY:
my mother handled all this.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I couldn't believe some people kissed or touched the dead body of
my grandmother. I believed she wasn't there in that body anymore.
And to touch a dead body was very gross
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I couldn't get over the fact that the lipstick used on my
grandmother for the open casket funeral was so bright pink -
a color she never wore. And I really didn't like it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have no knowledge of this happening
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I don't think that has happened to anyone I know an d certainly
not me
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I dont think I really have any unresolved issues with my grandmother
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
has not happened to me or anyone I know - at least I dont' think
so to anyone I know
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I believe almost no matter what, if the person who has died has let
wishes be known about what should go on in case of death it should be
carried out. I personally would like to be cremated and have my ashes
spread in a favorite place of mine. Because of the nature of the
place it is extremely unusual, but I would like the act carried out.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I know I will die, there have been times when I really thought that
I would not live very long at all, as in not past the age of 25.
I don't believe that now. I don't have any belief as to when I
will die except "sometime in the future" I would actually like
to know when I am going to die. Especially if it is a death that
will happen rather quickly. Right now I am kind of planning to
be arounf for awhile so I don't take as many risks or do as many
things because I think I have time later on. I would like to know
if I didn't have that time later on. That way I could pack in as
much as I could during that time. I'd like to say all the things
I've wanted to say to people, do all the things that I have put off
for another time and see the things that I have yet to see and have
a desire to see before I die.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Crying a whole heckuva lot!!
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
After my grandmother's death I felt really guilty about the way I
treated her when she was alive. She lived with us and was really
annoying, but when she passed I thought I should feel more sad about
her death rather than the mix of sadness, relief both of her being
gone from my life and relief that her pain was gone.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me think of things I haven't thought about in awhile.
It helped me release a little more.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
all this looks good as it is
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Tue Feb 16 22:39:05 1999
M41 in valrico, fl =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: registered nurse,primary care,Hospice
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
when bad things happen to good people
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
rabbi kushner
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, yrs2 ago.
Cause of Death: alzheimers; Aged: 75.
--Details:
he was sick for about 2 years,but the actual cause of dea
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--Death Is:
the passing of a soul from one life into the next.it is a letting go
of the familiar to grasp the unfamiliar future with all uncertainty
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
just hurt so much that i was shocked that life actually went on
while this catastrophe was destroying my life.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mother was an asthmatic and threw a blood
clot and was unable to be resuscitated over a period of a day
and half.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how very lucky i felt to have been privileged to know my father
and to share in his lat days. I also felt like that body was only
a shell of my father because alzheimer's disease causes death of
the spirit far before the body dies. i remember thinking we were
all orphans now.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
i t is just another stage in life and a very natural thing and
can be also a great time of healing as well as hurt.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that it took my father before all of his dignity and physical
faculties were taken.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i finally realized that i could die with my mother or i could make
her proud of the way i could survive. a LOT of time was needed
before i could rationally deal with her death. when my father
died i decided that i would use my internal resources for something
positive this time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
when my mother died i was 18 and so she never got to see my graduate
from nursing school or get married or hold my children and i never
got to know her as an adult.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
you don't have to say the "right thing" or know just what to
do;love compensates for many hings.Try to talk to them about dying
if they wish to and most importantly, just be there.also,be very
kind to yourself.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to turn grief into a positive experience so that i did not
waste the years that i did when my mom died.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was trying to get up the nerve to tell my dad it's ok to let go. i
didn't know what he could hear and we didn't want him to think we
were giving up on him.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it just seemed so incredible that this was happening to us again. we
as a family always laughed in stressful times so it felt like
a stress-relief.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have been able to go see my dad more so that perhaps he would have
remembered me longer. living out of state, i missed many moments
of lucidity he had that my sisters and brother got to spnd with him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be able to get home before he actually died .he did recocognize
me and the girls right before he died, and it had been a long time
since i felt he knew me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my father looked up and said he saw my mom.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think about something he would have liked or that he said or some
smell or a song he liked.when my mom died, i just couldn't let
myself feel bcause it just hurt too much to deal with,so i guess
i have grown in many ways.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
if one thing in our past changes,all of our history also changes.i
would not have met my husband if my mother hadn't died,therefore i
wouldn't have my daughers.as much as i loved her,i would not choose
to have her if it meant altering what i have.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why good people have to die and bad people seem to prosper.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just not be "big" and just let myself be free to grieve however i
want and no matter how illogical it seems.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt so abandoned.i was angy that she was wonderful and god took
her and left all the lousy people to live. it seemed very unfair.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disillusionment of my home town hospital medical and nursing staff.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
hospice was not involved but how i wish they were! i work ofr
hospice.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that we will be reunited in heaven one day according to what
we believe.
--Religious Affiliation:
southern baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
death is something that happens to every one of us.we may die various
types of death but in some ways it is very comforting to know that
it is always the final stage of life and is always looked at as a
releasing of spirit from body.
--Regarding MONEY:
we had to place my father in an alf and it was very expensive
to afford. also, re allocating assets was a problem.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how very love my dad was as the community paid it's respects to
us.it was mostly very comforting,though people do not often know
how to help n a positive way.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
he graveside services.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
organ failure,change in responsiveness, declinging
appetitie,temp,withdrawal,hallucinations,seeing those who have died.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
the stages overlap.noone should place a time limit on the stages
of grief.grief is an individual journey.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my dad saw my mother and it was very comforting for both he and
us.it helped him to not be frightend .
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
certainly living wills, prearranged funeral expenses, wills.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i'm not afraid of death.in fact, i look forward to seeing both
my parents again. i've been without my mother a very long time.
however, i believe when it's time it's time;i'm just not rushing
to get there.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I now work for Hospice and that has been very healing in itself
because i now can see a positive side to our loss that provides me
with an understanding of our pt/families feelings.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
surely we are drawn to those who understand where we are.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
mostly i was angry at god
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Zoning Out
i just couldn't talk to anyone about it,he pain was so great
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i wish i had had a safe place to turn to vent my feelings when my
mom died.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was helpful in helping me to put my feelings into words.
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Tue Feb 16 09:34:21 1999
F17 in Bethalto, IL. =America=
Name: Kitonya Flanigan
Email: <Kitonya-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: High school
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 5 mnths ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 16.
--Details:
he hung himself
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--Death Is:
Part of life and awareness of our incapabilities to controll what
happens to us. Also it causes great sadness.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was nine and my mother died.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My mother was gone on a trip , a weekend trip
and I got word she died on a motorcycle I was nine .
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
something was taken away from my heart
--What I think my (America) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to not wait to tell children about untill it happens
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I am stronger and more self-eliant
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the inner strength I found in me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
everyone thinks they know so much about the situation and that
they understand well even if they have delt with it before ITS NOT
THE SAME
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Its gunna be hard stick it out and find a creative outlet for
your feelings
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
loved him and never told him I know its hard but tell them I
know you have heard it before but do it
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My grandma told me I knew nothing about death that her loss was
greater than mine for she lost a daughter and all I loss was a mother
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was in shock
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye to phil
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
move on
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
when I woke myself up crying or was it because I heard his voice
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
my moms death
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see my house .
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would not be as strong as I am today and I would be dilusioned
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it should have been me ....both times
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
join them
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried when I understood Phils death but I just took it in stride
when mom died
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
acceptance
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
Wiccan
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
everthing
--Regarding MONEY:
I got some money from the state
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I didnt go to either
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
breathing
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
nothing out of the ordinary happening too perfect sindrom
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was hard but I made it
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Phil knocks on my door at night and plays with my hair
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Keeping Busy
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Mon Feb 15 19:48:56 1999
F18 in Clarendon Hills, IL =USA=
Name: Laura
Email: <Lalatalula-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student, retail
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: natural circumstances; Aged: 84.
--Details:
sudden-very hard to deal with
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the incomprehensible loss of someone; no one knows anything for
sure except that we will never see that person again. the ultimate
tragedy and utmost sadness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt i was going to die , myself.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandmother, whom i was very close to,
developed alzheimers disease when i was about 8 or 9 and died when
i was about 11.. the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with. at
the wake i almost fainted.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how i wished i could have said goodbye
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
there is a god and there is a heaven
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
to know that the loved ones i have lost will always be watching
over me and i will see them again
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
independence. time to think things over
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
realizing that they will NEVER be there again, never to tell them
i love them or to say goodbye
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to remind them how much you love them and that god will be there
for them. they will be in a much happier place
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i saw them at the wake, that is the most horrific, tragic thing to
see the person you love, helpless in some damn box. like you want
them to get up. and oh god they don't look at all like themselves,
it is so scary, that's why i almost fainted. ohhhh, sad sad sad.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye, make sure that they knew i loved them so much..
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think of my poor classmate who committed suicide, by suffocating
himself in his closet because after 18 years of life, he felt
everyone hated him.. people treated him sooo bad and it wasn't
fair. i was one of the few who was nice to him and not a day goes
by that i dont think of who and what he could have become; he had so
much potential. i could kill those bastards who were so horrible to
him that made him feel he had no other way out. horrible. poor guy.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
wonderful. i would love for all my grandparents to see me grow up,
get married, and meet their great grandchildren. i always always
think about that boy who killed himself and wonder what classes he
would be in, what college he would be going to, if he would be a
marine biologist ( he had a talent for it)
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
yeah i felt that way all the time, even when my hamster died. i am
so emotionally attached to everyone i get close to; probably not
so healthy. i want to believe in god so bad but sometimes its so
hard when everything goes wrong.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to them again. through my dreams or in person. so bad.
sometimes i wish i would die too, so the pain isn't so badw
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
tried to think of other things
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
no opinion.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
negative
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
optimisim, hope, strength
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran Missouri-Synod
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how much these people really were loved
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the wake. oh, awful
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loss of memory depression
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
id much rather die than have a loved one die. the agony of watching
and dealing with someone else die is too much to bear. i can deal
with death. even if i have so much to look forward to.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
after the suicide of my classmate, people finally realized how
horrible they treated him. when a counselor came to talk to the
class, many of his classmates broke down into tears because they
realized how horrible they were to him. really sad. that's the
worst. to be nice when its too late
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
this really helped... i wrote a lot i think. i used to keep a
journal, and it helped me so much to deal. this is like my own
little journal.
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Sat Feb 13 14:33:06 1999
F19 in Dallas, Texas =USA=
Email: <clh_foj-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 65.
--Details:
My grandfather was a smoker and he got cancer and died at home.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
going on to a better place and leaving behiind a lot of pain for
the people who are closest to you.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was extremly angry. The girl killed her own sister and my friend
and his best friend and she did not care.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was, I was a freshmen in high school and a member
of the marching band. A fellow freshmen was killed on New Year's
Day at 12:30am due to reckless driving. Since that time I have
dealt with death on many other occasions.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the air force funeral and all the tears.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to be more compassionate to the people who are suffering.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my grandfather is no longer in pain.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
anger.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
anger towards God.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was dealing with my pain.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my grandfather I loved him.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a band video from my freshmen year or my junior year when
another friend died I start to cry.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she lived and he died. that she was wearing her seatbelt and
she still died.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see them one more time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
collapased crying.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
amazement.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
we did not even get a chance to call Hospice. We were going to
but he had already died.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
safety and support
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist
--Regarding MONEY:
how was my grandma going to make ends meet.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that two of his brothers didn't show up because they were mad.
The funeral home did a horrible job.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing the person in the coffin.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
crying was important and anger is important. You have to go through
all the steps to move on. Don't be afraid to laugh.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I am still angry at my grandfather for ignoring my family for so
long and spending so much time with my cousins and not my brother
and me. The only way I will ever get over that is through time.
There is really no other way.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would want to make my whole family be okay with it. I would get
married and spend my last days in the arms of those I loved.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
crying and going to the cemetary at least once every two months.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Live each day to the fullest. Don't speed over dips.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I was already good friends with one girl but we have been best
friends since it happened. Another friend and I were close but we
became even closer after the death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Support Group
my friends, my boyfriend, my band, and church(his and mine)
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
The girl who was driving was not punished and did not care what
she had done.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
just to talk. I listened to others when they lost their loved
ones. Iwish I could have just talked to someone.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I felt good to get out some of the anger I feel.
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Fri Feb 12 09:23:40 1999
F20 in warsaw, new york =usa=
Name: sarah
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: counselor/working towards teaching certification
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 years ago.
Cause of Death: third stroke; Aged: 67.
--Details:
My grandmother had been in a steady decline for quite sometime.
My family has very strong family ethics, and nursing homes weren't an
option, so my grandmother had been living with us during this time fo
decline. It was both beautiful and painful..the strokes had really
altered who she was and who I percieved her as being...but on the
other hand, so much of what I loved about her remained. This was my
last year in high school and for the most part, I spent it with her,
because she needed around the clock care, and this sometimes made
me feel resentful, which I felt very guilty about after her death.
The week preceeding the third stroke which would take her life,
my grandmother seemed to be in rapid recovery, regaining much of
her mobility and seeming much more lucid. So the third stroke
caught us completely unaware, and was very difficult to deal with.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
I think death is mystery. We don't know what it is, and we fear it.
At the same time, I think there is an undercurrent of longing for it.
And ultimately, it is our final destination (as far as we are able
to know at this time)
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really know the person, so I didn't have a strong emotional
response. I was young (ten or so) and mostly what i can remember
was wondering where that person was. Non-existance seemed
incomprehensible.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my aunt's mother died...though I hadn't known
her well, I was very close to my aunt. Her mother died in a car
accident along with four other people.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
just absolutely missing the person. I was in a kind of black fog
for awhile..almost emotionlessness. Recently, I have begun to
experiance the grieving process..it is painful,but I think necessary.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I think we need to fear it less. I don't fear death...I am
not afraid for those who died, and I am not afraid of my death.
I think that death can be a celebration of life...a celebration
for where onehas been and a joyous departure to where one is going
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
those who have died who I love have left me many wisdoms and gifts,
and I appreicate them even more now that i can no longer be withthose
I love.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking it out with my fiancee years after the events was the best
thing for me..he had also experianced deaths in his life, and we
try to help each other cope.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I think the worst part was seeing how it affected the people around
me, and not being able to comfort them. Also, dealing with feelings
of regret and sorrow and the knowledge that i won't see my departed
loved ones again..that is enourmously dificult to bear.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
when my grandmother died, she seemed very restless. I often
wondered if she was worried for us, or scared of dying. I think
that it helped her to know that I wasn't afraid for her, and that
i loved her. I think that was soothing for her.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
really, nothing. Everyone has there own reactions to death..I
don't really feel comfortable bragging about mine
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
some months later, when I couldn't stop thinking about the idea of
heaven and hell. A friend of mine from a religion other than my
grandmothers (or my friend who had died years previous) was telling
me that my grandmother and friend couldn't possibly be in heaven.
I don't believe that way, but for awhile I was terrified of that.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
life and death are commingled. there were times when my grandmother
was dying that life just seemed beautiful. i don't think my
grandmother would have minded. life is beautiful. i don't really
think it is very healthy to say taht there is only one set of
emotions that one should have in dealing with death.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I had been a better granddaughter. Let my grandmother know
how much i loved her. ANd asked her for more stories.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I had to speak at my grandmother's funeral. I was very afraid
to...at that time, iwas still in an emotional fog, where I wasn't
feeling anything but shock. But somehow, speaking, i was able to
comfort and touch a lot of people, and say a lot of true things.
I don't know where that came from, though
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i really hated the wake service. I don't know why i had such
a strong reaction, but I hated the artificaillity of it, and how
morbid it was to have my grandmother's dead body and all these pink
lights and hot house flowers everywhere. It really bothered me.
My brother and I were not allowed to leave, and so we sat in a far
corner talking about movies. For both of us, the artificiality
was incredibly unnerving, and I still have nightmares about it.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
seeing my grandmothers body after she dies. everyone seemed to
make a big deal out of it. for me, it was nothing. she wasn't
there, it was just organic tissue. the body didn't even look like
my grandmother. i don't know it this is unhealthy, but i felt
really indifferent towards my grandmother's body after she died.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
mostly, I don't get teary eyed over anything. however, when my
fiancee and I talk...perhaps it is because i feel so close to him,
then I cry. They never met, and that sorrows me greatly.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't know, really. I don't think my life would be altered
very much in some ways (I would stll be going to college, still be
engaged, still be working, etc) but my grandmother would be here.
I could talk to her about htings, so on and so forth.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I really wanted my grandmother to see me get married. I really
wanted my children to know her. Knowing my kids will never get the
chance to know her, that is hard to deal with. With Mike, the fact
that he died so young and suddenly, that was really hard to deal with
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I try not to dwell on questions like that. I guess sometimes I
wish I could join her, but the pain that would cause my loved ones
makes the thought feel very quilty.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I am not sure. I don't know that it ever really hits. SOme days,
it still seems surreal. SOme days, the knowledge that i will not see
them again, that I don' t know where they are, hits me very hard.
I don't think this willever have closure to me
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Arg. There were some really wonderful nurses, but on the whole,
it was a negative experiance. I felt as if they were prolonging her
existance without increasing the quality of it, and some were down
right insensitive. It has really made me think about what steps
i can take for when I die...I do not want it to be in a hospital
at all.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I am not a member of any organized religion, but as my grandmother
was a member of the catholic church, they did play a role. I think
it was very comforting to me to see my family get comfort from
the church, and the priest was very nice to me, and did not try
to prosletize.
--Religious Affiliation:
I believe in God, and have great faith in him and in a general
goodness of the universe, but I would have to describe myself as
nondenomitional.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I don't know for sure, this is just specualtion, but it does seem
to me that death is so universal that, like birth, it transcends
everything. If everyones experiance of death is the same or not,
I do not know. I hope so. But I don't know.
--Regarding MONEY:
Oh, it was horrible. My family quickly became very divided on this
issue, as regards to inheritance and expenses. Many members are
not speaking to each other. IT is very sad.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was a nice funeral. I felt that there was a lot of sincerity
involved.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How detached I often felt...as if I were reading a novel or
something. I remember at various points of time thinking of myself
in the third person (e.i.. "Now Sarah is missing her grandmother"
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
after the fact, i have heard that there often is a brief stage of
rejuvenation, followed by a steady decline.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was a long process, mainly due to the fact that I delayed it
for about a year and a half.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
the night after her stroke, my grandmother regained a kind of
confused consciousness. My mother was with her in the hospital,and
my grandmother kept referring to an empty chair as having someone
in it who would be taking her "home" My grandmother assured my mom
that he was a nice man and not to worry. That night, my grandmother
slipped into the unconsiousness from which she would not awake.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I don't feel any particularly unresolved issues...but I would like
to let her know that i love her. I talk about this a lot with my
mother and with my fiancee. For some reason, I feel that in a way,
if I tell my fiancee about her in such an accurate way, it keeps
her alive in some small way.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i don't think i experianced this.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Twice I have had dreams (or a series of dreams) which really felt
like something beyond my imagination was taking place. The first
was my first month of college, and involved my friend who had died
when I was fourteen. In a series of five nights, I had many dreams
in which I was meeting him in some predestined place. Here, he told
me that death was not what i thought it was, and not to be worried.
The place was very grey and everything had a surreal element to it.
The second occurance was a few months ago, when I was very sad
about something, and I dreamt that my grandmother came to my bed
and said she would stay with me and hold me for a little while,
until I felt better. In the morning, the room smelled like her.
I don't know if the smell was present when I was sleeping, and
thereby influenced my dream, or if it was something more than that.
I cannot say for sure. Also, when Mike died (when I was fourteen)
a very strange thing happened to me. I was babysitting, and had
taken the kids for a walk in woods behind my house. It was early
fall, and the kids were enjoying themselves by playing with my dog,
and I was hanging back, just kind of watching them and enjoying
the late afternoon. I was standing by a particularly old tree,
and all of the sudden, I had the intense feeling of there being
another presence. In mymind, I associated it with angels and God,
but I wasn't sure if my imagination was getting away with me.
I greeted this presence in my mind, and tried to make it feel
welcome, and for some moments sat and tried to make myself empty of
everything but awareness. After awhile, I could feel it fading
away, and I felt sorrow. The following day, i learned that Mike
had died at approxamately that time.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I do not want a prolonged death, or to be on any kind of life
support, and my loved one's are aware of this. I also do not want
to die in a hospital if it can be at all helped. I do not want a wake
at all, and I want to be cremated. All of my loved ones know this.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think about my own death all of the time. I hope to be prepared
for it. I try not to leave lose ends..I try to exist in a state
that if I am taken today, no-one will feel anything unresolved
between myself and them. I feel death is one more part of life,
and i love mysteries. I also feel that the bonds between people
who love each other are not broken during death, merely altered.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
There is a tree outside my home, a good ways away from any buildings
or anything like that, and this tree is kind of my place to go and
think of my loved ones. It is a very sacred place for me. Also, I
say the names of those I love each night when I go to bed at night,
just so that i never forget.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am constantly aware of those who have moved beyond. I take a
great deal of time in my life to reflect on them. But not in any
particular way. One thing I do, I cook in the old fashioned way my
grandmother did, and i always notice that my hands are short and
small and stubbly like hers were, and take pride in this whenever
I make bread or something like that.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Aside from my fiancee (with whom my friendship and eventual
relationship emerged out of other reasons, I think) no, not really.
Actually, it was the opposite for me. I became very withdrawn and
am still not easily moved to open myself up to others.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
A few years later, a close friend died, and this really forced me
to evaluate my beliefs on death, life, and my spiritual beliefs.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
I just missed my friend so much...it was almost unearable
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I definately tried to reach out, particularly to my mother and
my aunts. I did not really want anyone reaching out to me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It is always good to clarify oneself
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Fri Feb 12 04:45:09 1999
F34 in OR =USA=
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I was looking at sites on death and dying, due to my father's passing
this week, and my own serious illness. I am trying to make a path
for myself where I have choices.
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Prof/Studies: counseling
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Death and Dying; Necessary Losses; Heaven;
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross; Judith Viorst; Joni Eareckson Tada
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 days ago.
Cause of Death: leukemia + age; Aged: 79.
--Details:
My father just shrank and shrank, according to my sister. Dad lives
in a different state than me, and he and I have been completely
estranged for 7 years. So, he basically kept getting sicker,
and then couldn't swallow, and a day later he was gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
One of the most feared experiences in life. We all have to face
it, and we simply cannot bear to watch it happen to our children.
That seems to be the most grievous loss, with the death of a parent,
soon following. Death to us, is like a hole created deep in the
abdomen, that keeps getting ripped bigger and bigger every time the
pain hits. Some people view death as a separation from loved ones;
and others view it as a separation from possessions. Some see
death as a transition to paradise. Other people see death as the
end of all life, period, end of story. It is an event that happens,
when the physical body can take no more of what it has been dealt,
and it simply quits. Like when the refrigerator's power goes down
and it cannot be revived through any means. It gives a weary sigh,
and then sighs no more.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I observed the reactions of my parents, and learned that the
amount a person was loved, or was important was measured by how
long you cry when they die. Well, I was 7. It is weird though,
because my only living grandparent died when I was 5 or 6, and
I have no memory of it. My parent shielded me from such events,
and therefore, withheld my chance to understand and bring closure
to my own relationship to the individual.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...One day,my mom sat me down and told me that
my uncle Todd had died. I was 7. I didn't have a clear sense of
what death meant, finality wise, but eventually figured it out. I
barely knew the man, so it was hard to get to emotionally involved.
What impressed me most about this death was that my mom cried for
that afternoon and it was never mentioned again. My dad never
said anything. I knew in my soul that it wasn't a healthy way
to grieve. I went outside and made tombstones and graves in the
backyard, to draw some closure to that experience, and mused upon
why Uncle Todd wasn't important enough to cry longer for.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
It is so fresh, just days ago. I was surprised to feel as much as
I did about Dad. I was so angry with him for so long, and then
I forgave him a few years ago, but he did not acknowledge that.
He still didn't see what he did wrong. So, to answer the question:
The anguish of my heart over worrying whether my father would be
accepted into heaven due to his rejection of God and all His ways
all these years. I asked for a sign that everything was okay,
and God knows how much I love to see snow. It started snowing,
which is somewhat unusual here, and I just had to believe that
worry was not necessary.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Living deep in the middle of "denialville" as Shania Twain would
put it, won't make the death boogey-monster go away!!!! I wish
people would look at it straight-forward, and see it as a start
of a new life, instead of the end of all. I wish most that people
could see the meaning and the purpose of all life--to serve God.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
In viewing what happened with my father's death, I saw the immense
gift God has given to me. He gave me a righteous, clean heart.
My younger sister swooped in like a vulture to claim what little
possessions my father had. I am glad every day that God didn't make
me like that. Material possessions are simply unimportant unless
there is sentiment attached, and I don't know that my sister knows
what a sentiment is. She didn't even wait till he was buried,
or his body had cooled off. She immediately had the gimmes.
I will be grateful till the day I die, that I am not wired like that.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I am still going through the main emotional grief stage thing, so all
I can say is that my having a community of supportive people around
me (I am in an assisted living community)is extremely important.
I have friends I can kvetch about swooping and swiping sisters
with, or muse with others on the value of life and how to spend
the time. I don't need movies right now to move the tears along,
but I might soon. I call those movies "emotional laxatives." They
get those old tear ducts working.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I was so angry at Dad. He raped me for 15 years of my life, from
the time I was in diapers. All I wanted from him was an apology.
I didn't even care to have the detailed admission I used to want
from him. All I wanted was the chance to reconcile with him,
where he actually said he was sorry, just one little bit. I would
have lapped that up like a hungry dog. One simple apology, and he
took it with him. That hurts me beyond belief.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I wasn't there.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I never knew my maternal grandmother, nor did I know how much her
death would affect me. She died when my mom was 11, so my mom
never learned how to be a mom. I learned here that my mom didn't
have a chance to learn how to mother me properly, and how can I
expect her to do a premium job on it? My mother learned most of her
techniques from her older sister. This taught me how some of the
intergenerational patterns start. Not only did my grandmother's
death affect my mother's parenting, it also affected my role as a
mother very deeply. It also affected my worrying about my health.
My grandmother died of a stroke just before she was 50.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Well, the ritualistic aspect of death is very confusing. I am not
talking about the rituals that we incorporate to process our own
pain, but how death is treated in the satanic cult practices.
I didn't see how life could be treated with such depraved
indifference in a ceremony, yet be preached in the normal rest of
life after a ceremony to be priceless.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I almost lost it when I told my older sister, that our younger
sister (the one going for Dad's material goods), that she was
taking lessons on vulturism from our cousins. It is one of those
things where you have to be there. My cousins are doing similar
things that I see my younger sister doing/have done with my father.
It just struck me as funny that people act so differently, even
within the same family. My sister and my mom are like two peas
in a pod. I used to tell my sister we found her under a rock and
felt sorry for her, and took her home. Later in life, I realized
that I was the alien in the family.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish that I would have had the opportunity to re-introduce my
father to God. I wanted to have been able to lead him back to his
own Father.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I buried my father earlier this year, in a therapeutic milieu, to end
his tyranny over how I see my body, and for my general self-esteem.
I needed Dad to be gone so I would finally feel safe in the world.
It has helped a lot in my journey towards becoming the me I want
to be.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My younger sister was filling out the obituary papers, and decided to
leave my name off the form, so I wouldn't be mentioned as Dad's kid.
This upset me greatly. Part of it was hurt. I was disowned and/or
chose to leave the family due to their evil ways and my decision to
label truth as truth no matter what. I figured that I put up with my
father for 15 years, and loved him anyway, despite all his faults,
and I deserved to be recognized as his daughter. My dad has war
souvenirs that he picked off dead soldiers in WW2, and I figured
internally before I knew why, that I deserved a medal for surviving
what he put me through, and my medal needed a name on it--mine.
Thankfully, my older sister saw the need, and slipped my name on
to the one that would actually be in the paper today.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what my father owns. He is not a rich man, unless he really hid
stuff from us. Material goods really mean nothing unless there is
something symbolic behind them. I wouldn't want my dad's actual war
souvenirs, because I still think the parents of those dead soldiers
should have had those medals.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I find myself losing it this week, when I watch fathers interact
with their daughters in a loving way. My dad could do that
sometimes without it turning sexual or violent. He wasn't so good
at that part. So, when I watch TV and see fathers being good to
their daughters, and I know they never are the way my dad was, I
find it very hard to keep my adult composure. The little wounded
child in me surfaces and sobs outright, and indignant. She sobs
with everything in her. She is so deeply wounded.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My alternate reality would be that I had a daddy who was safe.
He would never dream of beating me. He wouldn't smack me into
next week if I spilled my milk, and he wouldn't take me out of my
bed to do those ugly things to me in the night. I'd even settle
for the alternative reality of him saying he was sorry and asking
my forgiveness. I would grant it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I have that feeling now about myself. I mean, I am 34 yrs old,
and I have one semester left before I have a well-earned master's
degree in counseling, and I am too ill to attend school. My docs
think I may have Lou Gehrig's. I have some real moments of "it
is not fair!" I want to be alive to watch my children grow into
adulthood. Knowing that my dad is dead, makes me feel even more
vulnerable to death than I did before. My maternal aunt has terminal
cancer, my dad had leukemia, and I have a pre-cancerous erosion in
my esophagus from acid reflux disease. I don't want to have pity
parties, but at some point, I just have to wonder WHY ME?????????
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Have Jesus all to myself, for immediate help, on the spot. He
would comfort me in person, and show me which option was best to do.
And best of all, if He couldn't heal me (had another plan in mind),
he would inspire the docs to do whatever I needed done, with no
hassle because I am poor.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I have been going through the stages right and left. First my
father's death seems surreal, then next, I am nearly denying that
it happened, or it seems to make no difference. Then, on the Brady
Bunch, the father danced with his daughter, and I lost my control
over those bottled tears. I am beginning to comprehend all the
meanings that my father's death has for me. I mourn who he was and
who he was not to me. I have wanted that man to be dead since I
was 13, so that he would stop hurting me. I didn't really want him
dead, but just for him to stop it. Death seemed the only way to make
him stop. I didn't care if it was my death or his. I wasn't going to
kill him. I figured his drinking and driving would accomplish that,
and I prayed he wouldn't take any one else with him. Namely me.
So, when I understand and acknowledge his death, I am filled with
anguish about his spiritual fate, anger about his choice to never
acknowledge the truth, and deep sadness that he never chose to
really know who I was, or care about his grandchildren. (Not that
I would have ever let him see them without my constant supervision).
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Anger. For my dad, even though he was suffering terribly,
and couldn't even swallow at the end, the doc was refusing to
admit him. At least the nurse knew what she was doing, and waited
for the next shift of docs to come in so they would admit him, and
they did. For me, they have not been able to treat me well. I had
a neurologist just dump me because I am wheelchair bound, and though
she saw me twice and never mentioned it, I was later informed by her
staff, that she didn't "do disabilities." I've had other docs treat
me like a hysterical woman, and actually write that on my chart.
Another treated me like I was a low life drug addict who was coming
in for a fix, when in reality, I am a seminary student coming in
for help with pain. I've been treated as if I were a pain in the
ass, and another time, a liar. I am sickened by the treatment the
medical establishment has given me. I deserved none of it. Now 3
docs agree I won't recover, but I don't know why. NO diagnosis.
So I have to go to the Mayo Clinic next month, with money I don't
have, to finally find out why my muscles are wasting away.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I was not involved in my dad's death, but I am checking out a
hospice for me, in case it is needed.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I was raised Catholic by day, and satanist by night. I only believed
in Christ the whole time, no matter what they did to torture me out
of that. I held fast to it the whole time. I went to church most
of the time I was growing up, and never missed much. I enjoyed
the services, but hated cathechism.
--Religious Affiliation:
Now I am just a non-denominational Christian.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
In the bible it says that every tongue, and tribe, and nation, will
proclaim that "Jesus is Lord." I think Jesus has a way of getting
everyone to come together at the end of this world as we know it.
The only spirit I believe in is Jesus Christ and the Holy Trinity. I
don't see the spirit that the Native Americans believe in, as any
different than Christ, it is just Christ in a different form.
--Regarding MONEY:
My younger sister wanted everything she could get her greedy
little hands on. Me and my older sister don't care. We are more
involved with the emotions of losing someone who had so much impact
(mostly negative) on our lives, and how to reconcile what is gone
and done with.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I am not going to the funeral. My dad is being shipped to
Pennsylvania where his sisters are, and he will be properly mourned
there, deep in Denialville. I love my aunts, but they have no
clue what damage my father has done to his children. All 3 of
his children.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
knowing that my mom and sister went specifically to look at Dad's
dead body. My mom hadn't seen my dad for 20 years. It seems weird
that she was so interested in seeing his dead body.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I am going to turn this toward myself, because I don't know what Dad
was going through, except losing weight. I could stand to lose a
lot of weight. Anyway, I was just at another web site on the Mining
company, that went through those signs. One was wasting of the body,
which Dad was definitely doing. There is no evidence of that on
me yet. They also mentioned loss of appetite (check that one),
trouble breathing (check), trouble controlling body temperature
(check), isolation, cognitive disturbances, and finally, loss of
control of bodily functions.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I need to do it my own way. If it is macabre that I obssess about
my own death, after my dad has died, and my aunt is grounded by
terminal cancer, and my friend is suffering from brain cancer,
then LET ME obssess. When I am done, I will get on with my own
tasks of living. I need to do this to be able to choose properly
whether I am staying at home or going to a hospice, who I want
around me, and how I want things to be. I don't want to choose
while confused,so let me do it now, in between my confusions.
So what if I don't know what day it is, I still can find what I
want for myself. I hate it when people shut me down, and give
me some platitude that the doctors are just human. So they are,
and maybe sometime they'll even choose to act as such. When I am
shut down like that, I know that person doesn't want me to feel.
Feelings are as messy as death. When do I get to feel for what is
happening to me, without it being labeled as self-pity???????????/
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have no such knowledge of this in anyone I have known. I like
to think that I will be escorted to Heaven by an angel, like in
that show "Touched by an Angel."
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I was critically ill as an infant, and was given last rites. I
haven't any recollection of an experience like that, but I have
this feeling that it won't be long before I encounter thatk kind
of experience. I am feeling like I don't have a long time at all.
This is a very intense feeling based on my physical status.
I have seen things on Unsolved Mysteries. I always wrote it off
as ridiculous, but I would like to come back and whisper in some
ears, and comfort people who loved me if I could. I wish I could
just whisper in people's ears until they accept God. I would keep
giving them the gentle nudges.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I still feel really mad at Dad for not leaving behind a note to me
to say he was sorry. I forgave him years ago. I am so furious at
that that I start shaking. It is deep hurt to tell the truth.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
If my dad actually said he was sorry, I would lose it, but then I
feel like I could go on with my life, and really do some internal
healing. There wouldn't be this spiritual tension in my connection
to him. I'd talk to him about God, and try to get him saved.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I haven't had that experience.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't know anything about these rights, but the sound of it is
good. I want people to know that I would donate my organs, that I
would want to be buried in a certain green dress that is my favorite
color-Emerald. My most important concern at this time is whether
or not to go to a hospice, and what I will be putting my friends
through if I stay here. I know I need to stop procrastinating
and do the advance directive. I feel if I put it off, I will get
to live longer. I know it is dumb. Oh well. I guess it brings
up control issues. I know I want certain songs played at certain
times during my funeral, and I don't want anything messing with it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am afraid that I am going to die quite soon. My two family
members with cancer and my friend doesn't help. Cancer and other
stuff just doesn't seem so random now. According to that web site
I looked up earlier, I am in the throes of death. I am not sure
what to believe, but my body tells me the story is pretty much over.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I metaphorically and symbolically buried both of my parents around
Memorial Day. Fitting, I thought. In each shallow grave I dug,
I stuck a symbolic article in with them to make a statement about
separation. It helped me finish reclaiming my life as my own,
and no longer ruled by the dictates of dictators.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
The biggest thing that I am going to take with me regarding my dad,
is the sense that I did everything I knew how to, to save him,
and get him on the right path. I did well in forgiving him for
the unforgiveable crimes against me. It reminded me that I am
a good person. I remembered that I learned some good stuff from
Dad, like standing up for what I believe in. I also learned that
no one is 100% good or bad. They are always a mix of things.
It just reminded me that I am good all the way through to my heart.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I mainly notice that I understand friends' pain who have lost their
parents, especially when there are unresolved issues. I never truly
understood that before, because I was too busy trying not to care.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
I was ritually abused in satanic rituals, so death was always near
me, but in grotesque and macabre ways. It made death be a gruesome
experience. My faith and psychotherapy have put the reality back
into death for me, and I have developed a healthier view of death.
I also now have the courage to tell others not to shortcut my
process by giving me religious platitudes. That is important so
that I can grieve freely, I also have managed to nearly finish a
master's degree program in counseling, and taking courses involving
loss and grief has helped me enormously to understand what I am
thinking and feeling.
The ritual abuse naturally hindered my dealing with death. It made
me want to hasten my own death, and try that many times. It made
me see death as an escape versus a transition. I have always felt
like death was a line that I could cross once I got what I was
sent here to do, done. But the incredible pain from that torture
made me see death both as an escape and a punishment for crimes I
never committed.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
What would be the most help is if people would really listen,
and not talk over me. I am not strong enough physically to try
to outdo them. I know they are avoiding and I know why, but it is
still annoying.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was pretty good, and got me to look at different issues, but it
was way too long. I think you could have accomplished your goal
better if you had simplified and shortened things up a lot.
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Thu Feb 11 14:22:22 1999
F43 in sioux city, iowa =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: college graduate
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Bible
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Many People
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1year ago.
Cause of Death: disease; Aged: 70.
--Details:
diabetic
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a part of life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not attent the funeral
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my only brother has cancer and my mother could not have handled
that stituation.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is a part of life
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my mother passed away before finding out my brother has cancer
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
prayer
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing I would never be able to talk to them again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be kind,gentle and use your esp as to what the person dying wants
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Death is a part of the life cycle
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My mother tried to explain what death was,went my grandfather
died. I was in the fourth grade.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
God isn't ready to take my brother
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my mother
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
See my dad happy
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I dreamed about my mother.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
went people showed how much they cared about my mother by; the
gifts of food,stamps,flowers,cards,letters and that over 500
people were at her funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Its Christmas time. My mothers birthday was Dec.24, and she died
Dec.l3th.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
spend more time with that person
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
many times; Why does my 3l Year old brother have cancer. He is
just getting started with life. Why wasn't it some one else '
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
tall to them on the other side
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was at the funeral
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
good favor. The medical community did every thing they could.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
super
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
every thing
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very real
--Regarding MONEY:
minor
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people were at the funeral
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
after the death of my mother, she came to see if I was going to
be all right
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
That varies from case to case
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
each person has to go through the grieving process; time is the
best friend of the loved ones
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My mother came to see if I was going to be all right
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Thats a hard issue. Do not know
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My mother died Dec.13th,1997. I had a dream about a month after her
passing. I was in the cemetary standing with my mother at her head
stone. She had her arm around me showing me the beautiful sunset in
the open distance. I had alway teased my mother and grandmother
about the wide open spaces of Baca County, in the southeast part
of Colorado. There is nothing there but open space(no water or
trees). Ugly, is what I told them. When I die put me by trees and
water. My mother showed me a part of heaven. It was more beautiful
then any sunset or sunrise I have ever seen. Words will never
describe the beauty that was in that dream.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The dying persons wishes
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I do not want a funeral or to be buried.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
knowing I would see my mother again
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I will alway have a part of my mother with me. Habits, words or
whatever will be there
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes, with relatives. Now I e-mail them more.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Prayers
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Talking to my mother friends
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes and no
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
The questionaire is to long; need to shorten it up. People will
loose interest.
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Thu Feb 11 12:23:40 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 30's.
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--Death Is:
when your physical body ceases to function
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cryed
--That first time, how it happened was
my uncle and great grandma died in the same month.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the funeral home
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to fear it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i got close to my relatives before they died
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my best friend and his family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my familys greif
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was in the procssion
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have more time to play cards with my uncle
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
cope quickly
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
you finnaly get to be alone after the viewing
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the solomness
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
not too much i would have seen him last month and then in
another year
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a structure for the morning process
--Religious Affiliation:
wicca/catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
loss and need for joy
--Regarding MONEY:
we need a communist socity
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my grandma who had lost a mom and a son
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
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Wed Feb 10 18:10:02 1999
F18 in Brighton, MI =U.S.A.=
Name: Courtney Budesky
Email: <courtney4647-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: brain cancer; Aged: 18.
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--Death Is:
a new beginning
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... Grandmother, long-term illness
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
disbelief, anger
--What I think my (U.S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it happens for a reason
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
memories of good times, impact of person on my life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family of deceased
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not understanding, "why so young?"
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell the person they are loved, let them know it is okay to let go,
those left behind will be fine
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
he was not getting better
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get married
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell him how much he was loved and cared for
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
final prayers
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
music that is played reminds me of our good times
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was so good, so young
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be in heaven with him, talk to him directly
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wrote letters to the deceased
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support and prayers, notes, comments of sympathy
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian(Presbyterian)
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone had there own special experience with the dead
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
came in a dream, told me he was in a wonderful place without pain,
dissappeared into a colorful cloud of smoke
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
made scrapbook of memories, wrote poetry, did pottery
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Feb 10 12:32:24 1999
F26 in prescott, az =usa=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: antroplogist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car crash; Aged: 23.
--Details:
She was on her way to see me
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was laughing
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was 6 and my uncle died I knew him well
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
guilt and sadness and anger
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to face the reality of death as the end on earth but not in our
memory
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
at least I got to know them
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my logic on live and death
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the guilt
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
live every second as the last and always tell the ones you care
about that you love them I am glad I did
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It is a normal response
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
To tell her I loved her 3 hours before the crash
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
totally ilogical
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
lies
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
people that can not face reality
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
my wishes well I have already told all of them as well as my
cremation and is payed for by me
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I guess I would just have to deal with it
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I take care of her son
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
her son
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I helped her son
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Feb 10 11:29:16 1999
F27 in Boston, MA ==
Name: Colleen
Email: <KLevesqueb-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Legal Secretary
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 20 ago.
Cause of Death: blood clot; Aged: 53.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transition from this planet to another dimension where all are
loved ones are waiting.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not understand what happened or how to deal with the pain of
the loss.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was I was only three and my grandmother passed away
as she was sweeping the floor from an blood clot.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My uncle died recently and I never knew him and the last weeks of
his life I stayed and took care of him and I learned how people who
know they are dying need so much comfort because no matter what is
said or done or what religon we believe, everyone at some point or
another is scared of there own demise.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is not the end.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The close relationship I had with the persons who passed away.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My inner self.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
As much as you know or believe that they are in a better place and
they are not suffering and all that stuff the thought of getting
through one day without them to listen or to laugh is the hardest.
If only God could show each and everyone of us in a way that no man,
woman or child could mistake it that we are going to a better place.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
LISTEN
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Strength
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized that even if the loved one was in Heaven I could not
see them.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was pressure.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my uncle, more time getting to know my
grandparents and others.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
find the strength within me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
they saw GOD.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
money
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember something special like a moment.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't know.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that this person so young had to go or that they had to suffer
so much.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
forget
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and felt uterly alone.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I don't trust medicine or doctors. I saw one to many people die
and most from Cancer and at the end they often said they wanted
to make them comfortable but it seems to me that they were killing
them as fast as they could with the drugs like MS Contin
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
unsupported.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am a catholic but I do not practice. I consider myself a
spiratural person. I do not believe in any of the religons that
are here. I believe man made them to deal with there own fears.
I do believe in GOD and Jesus, but I don't believe that my GOD would
punish us for eating on a certain day of the week or working or any
other form of penance and I don't believe I should have to tell a
priest my sins. God knows everything we do.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
sincere
--Regarding MONEY:
it was way to important to to many people.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how people continued to tell storys of the person who died.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when they actually died.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Loss of weight, changing of skin color, medicines for pain
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
everyone deals with it differently.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have seen this many times and believe in it strongly. The person
who is dying is so scared until this transformation and then they
are ready to die with peace.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have never had any "NDE" but I have seen and heard loved ones
who have passed on. I believe in this strongly.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
When my father passed away 8 years ago I had no closure. I still
have issues but I still need closure. Everyone has this. Even if
you got to tell the person every little detail of yourself and you
told them you loved them. You would still have some form of regret.
Death is so final.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope they would say I have nothing to fear and that they
love me and that I will be o.k.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Like the questions before this has never happended to me but it
has happened to people I know. I have been with someone who was
passing away and she said she saw Jesus and her daughter. When my
grandmother died she told me she saw her mom then her dad and it
went on and on. The strange thing was every person who had had a
vision of someone who has passed on said they saw the loved ones
in the order that they died.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't think I would want to know. I am a very nervous person
and I would spend the rest of my time with my eyes open waiting.
That would be terrible. It would be like sitting on death row.
I know I will die and I know I will be scared even through all my
faith but I hope that how i die will be easy and fast.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Music, I sing my heart out to the dead.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have just learned how not to take even one moment for granted -
that is my gift from God.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have seen two people of the opposite sex come together. I believe
the reason for this is to feel alive. It is often said that when
your husband or wife dies you cling to someone like a brother of
the dead or a sister and often relationships or sex happens for a
brief period of time. Other people like neighbors or old friends you
lost contact with often stay in your life after that kind of a loss.
It is also true to say that after the funeral and wake is finished
that you have to deal with the death alone. Up until that point
you have all these people around you and calling you but after a
couple of weeks the phone stops.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish that someone could say something to make me feel better but
yet no one can.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This was great. I enjoyed it. I am a thinker and I often think of
these things but don't have a chance to express myself. Thank you -
good luck.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Feb 10 08:40:46 1999
F30 in Houston, TX =Harris=
Name: Diana
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Staff Development
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Bible
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
GOD
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 16 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Sudden disease; Aged: 73.
--Details:
No autopsy was performed. Cause of death is only a guess. He refused
medical treatment due to his religious beliefs.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The beginning ... we go to be with our GOD.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... A girl in my Sunday School class dies
from cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Shock.
--What I think my (Harris) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not the end.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Was knowing that I was truly loved by my Grandfather.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My friends because my family didn't want to talk about it. Also
talking with GOD.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My family's refusal to allow us children to attend the services.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Trust GOD
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Go to the Memorial Service.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Spend time with my Grandfather before he died.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
You must allow children the opportunity to attend services so that
they have closure too.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I feel lonely (or alone).
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My life would be very different. My grandmother would have remained
healthy. I would not have taken the roads that I chose to take. I
would have known who to get true love from & where to avoid
seeking love.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I couldn't go to the funeral.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Visit with my Grandpa.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I wish that my Grandfather had sought help.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian -- Assembly of God
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Wrong
--Regarding MONEY:
my parents were happy to get money
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
My families reaction & decision to exclude all grandchildren.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
That feeling that I always get before someone dies (call it psychic,
call it God, but I always know when I am going to see someone for
the last time).
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I knew that I was dying, I would make some major life changes. I
would quit my job and travel.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Talking & crying.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Too long.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Feb 9 18:36:56 1999
M37 in Shillington, PA =USA=
Name: Keith Brown
Email: <keith.brown9-at-gte.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: manufacturing supervisor
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 93.
--Details:
She died peacefully, in her sleep
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of living. We cese to perform as humans and lie still and
do nothing. Then the elements begin to consume our flesh
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was ok with it. The viewing and funeral were pretty upbeat.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my rabbit died two days after Easter.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
=There not being a viewing. Burial was on the same day.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to grieve and get on with living life to it's fullest.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My grandmother's suffering ended
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my psychologist.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing I would never be able to share anything with her again,
for example, the birth of our first baby.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the medical community tries to hard to prolong life, without regard,
or very little regard, for the quality of life. As a pet owner,
I will know when it is time to put my cat to sleep. I wish we
could behave the same as humans.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Just a place to hold the funeral/memorial service. Nothing special.
--Religious Affiliation:
Presbyterian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Non existant. I do not feel this
--Regarding MONEY:
My inheritance was whittlked down to nothing as a result of my
grandmother's prolongeed illness (over several years)
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
People had positive things to say about her, confirming my belief
that she was a "good woman"
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Just not being able to see her as they buried her too fast. I was
an eight hour drive away and they found her dead in the morning and
had her buried that afternoon. I felt cheated from seeing her one
last time.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Failure to maintain weight, eat and drink normally. Such was the
case with my grandmother.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it would have helped to have had a viewing and been able to see
Granny one last time.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
No awareness of this.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel ok. It was my parent's fault that she was buried so fast,
and they did it for their convenience, not considering the feelings
of others.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
That we love each other and are still proud of each other.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Hasn't happened
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
That prolonging life at any cost is immoral. I knew a lady who
was in a coma for 18 years, kept alive only by artificial feedings
and IV's. That was no life. She should have been left to die.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have made plans for my own death, not suicide, but rather have
informed everyone around me what my wishes are, so if I were to
die, they would know "what to do with me" as I have some rather
specific desires. I don't think I would freak out if I knew I
would die soon. I would be glad that I had provided well for my
family and would be able to leave them plenty of money. I plan to
be cremated and scattered, in a place that I love.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have maintained good email relationships with two sisters who
recently experienced a similar death in their famnily and talkking
about it with them helped me greatly. They had many of the same
experiences and disappointments.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am more communicative than ever. I email a number of people daily,
and my social circle has increased greatly since the death.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Definitely. The two sisters and I are very close now, and we mostly
discuss life issues now, rather than death issues, which had been
the basis for the relationships.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I reached out to my psychologist, who I was seeing anyway, and to
my siblings and friends, mostly via email, as I am too cheap to
run up a big phone bill to my brother in Canada.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me to revisit Granny's death and remember the postive
actions which I took after it. I coped fairly well, not great,
but did make use of all of the resources around me.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Questionnaire is good as is.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Feb 9 18:20:54 1999
F23 in ELMIRA, =USA=
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Found us by: [ Email Message ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: CANCER; Aged: 44.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
PEACE FROM THE EVERDAY PAINS OF THE WORLD. WHETHER PHYSICAL,
MENTAL, ENVIRONMENTAL, ECT.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
WAS CRUSHED.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...MY GRANDFATHER AND I WERE NAPPING IN A
RECLINER AND HE HAD A CANCER INDUCED HEART ATTACK. SO I WAS THERE
WHEN HE DIED.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
THAT SHE WAS FINNALLY ABLE TO BE WITH OUT PAIN.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
THAT SOMETIMES IT IS NESSECARY.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
NO MORE PAIN.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
TIME. I IN THE LAST TWO YEARS HAVE HAD A FAMILY OF MY OWN AND THAT
HAS HEAL ME MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
HEARING OTHER PEOPLE SAY" I WISH MY MOTHER WAS DEAD, SHE WON'T LEAVE
ME ALONE." I GIVE ANYTHING TO HAVE JUST 5 MORE MINUTE WITH HER.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
CARE. SOMETIME THEY NEED TO HEAR THE FRASE " IT'S OK TO GO WE WILL
GO ON."
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I FOUND WAY TO HEAL MY BROKEN HEART. MY MOTHER WAS THE LAST OF 9
MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY TO DIE, IN ONE YEAR'S TIME. THROUGH MY HUSBAND
AND 2YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AND 2 MONTH OLD SON. I LEARNED TO LOVE AGE.
TO NOT BE AFRAID THAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE NEXT. I LEARNED THAT
SOMEONE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. YOU JUST HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GIVE
THE LOVE TO SOMEONE ELSE.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
THE MONTHS AND YEARS THAT LEAD UP TO THE DEATH.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I DESERVE TO LAUGH. IF I DIDN'T I'D BUST
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
SAY I LOVE YOU ONE MORE TIME.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
LOVE AND HEAL
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
THE RESPONCE TO THE FUNERAL. OVER 8000 PEOPLE SIGNED THE REGISTY,
IN JUST THE FIRST DAY.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
RELIGON
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I SEE A SITUATION THAT IS SIMILAR TO MINE.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
NO KIDS
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
WHY IF THERE IS A GOD WHY DOES HE NEED MY MOTHER
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
GO BACK TO CHILDHOOD.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
TRIED TO RUN AWAY. IT DID WORK! THEY WERE STILL GONE WHEN I
CAME BACK.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
THEY ARE MESSED UP. SHE SHOULD NOT OF GONE AS LONG AS SHE DID.
ASSISTED SUICIDE SHOULD BE LEGALIZED.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
GREAT
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
SHIT
--Religious Affiliation:
CATHLIC
--Regarding MONEY:
N/A
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
IT WAS FESTIVE.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
GROWING UP SO FAST.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
SECRETS BEING KEEP.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I HAD ALREADY GRIEVED.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
A TYPED MESSAGE WAS LEFT ON MY COMPUTER. SOMETHING SHE HAD SAID
TO ME IN PRIVATE.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I WENT FOR A WALK.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
AGE
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
GREAT
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Feb 9 17:25:39 1999
F16 in Hutchinson, Kansas =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: High School Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 1/2 years ago.
Cause of Death: unknown .; Aged: 86.
--Details:
The first week in July she was fine, her same great self. One week
later, she was in the hospital. One week later she was dead.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When a person's soul leaves its physical body and journeys to
another world.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt really guilty because I couldn't cry. Iloved her, but I didn't
know why I couldn't cry. I was 12.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My grandmother (Father's mother) who was
86 died got sick and died suddenly. .
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Sitting at the funeral looking at a chandelier, listening to a lady
singing "Amazing Grace" then breaking out into tears.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
We need to learn to accept it . It will inevitably happen to
everyone. I was never really raised with a religion, although my
grandparents were very religious people. I'm not really sure right
now if I believe in God or not.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
This sounds extremly strange but the I was extremly grateful that the
night my grandma died was beautiful and clear. It made it seem as
though she wasn;t really gone; just watching us from another place.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Sitting outside in the dark talking to the moon and stars.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Seeing my parents being so upset. I was more afraid for them
than myself.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say a real goodbye. We all had thought that she was going to make it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear the song amazing Grace.
--Religious Affiliation:
None
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
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Mon Feb 8 20:10:28 1999
F17 in , VA =USA=
Email: <420silvergrrl-at-gurlmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Edgar Cayce readings
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, almost 2 months ago ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 16.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
another part of being - it is not to be feared - only understood,
that it is part of a process. Death happens when you have learned all
you can in this lifetime and you are ready to move on to the next.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 12 years old and though I was still really young - I was not
affraid of seeing it. I felt I understood it well and that God was
with me to help cope with our loss.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother was sick and dying of lung
cancer so she came to live with us so we could take care of her. I
was VERY close with her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not being able to believe it was true because I had just talked to
her that day. I was sad that she had died that way.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is part of a cycle - not the END. There is no end to our
existance
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being alone in nature and letting my grieving process go as it will -
I did not hold back any of my emotions and made sure I could speak
to someone if I needed them
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing the long process of her death. She was sick for like 2 years
before she actualy died
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to tell them they are loved and that you will be there with them
so they are not affraid
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dealt with it. I did not fear death. I accepted it as a natural flow
of a cycle. I know I will see her again someday and that she had
been with God in the time of her death. I know she has been watching
over me and it gives me the will to do the most I can with my life!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she was in the few minutes during when she was dying. She knew she
was dying - something inside her "just knew"
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
speak with her before she died or have helped take care of her in
her dying days more
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see her after she was dead. Seeing the body helped reassure the
unrealness I felt
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the body after she dies....her soul is no longer there. It is almost
like a shell that you are shedding. Why do we insist on buring it
and dressing it in make-up when they are gne from that vessel. I
would almost rather my body was just put back into nature when I
dye. Nothing un-natural
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I learned a lot from the expierence so I might not be the same person
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went alone in nature and thought and dealt with my emotions
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
the people were very helpful. The nurse was there when she died
which helped settle things for us
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not that much. i do not attend church and do not think that that is
what I need to achieve God's will for me. I learn a lot more about
myself/life/nature/etc. when i am in nature or alone and thinking
or reading up on spiritual books,etc.
--Religious Affiliation:
I have never attended church or beleived in every aspect of an
organized religion
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that we didn't have one - she had not wanted a funeral
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
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Mon Feb 8 18:32:30 1999
Anonymous Guest: F45
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 89.
--Details:
my mother passed 1 year and 3 months before my father
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
greatly feared due to having no idea or way of intellecualizing
"what" it is. It appears to be so quiet and free once it finally
comes; but can be so horrifying in it's coming
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
The VERY first time I vividly remember saying in the limosine
"I'm not going to cry" but totally lost it at the graveyard.
I mean I still feel the horror & repulsion of that scene
--That first time, how it happened was
My mother's step father passed I knew him quite well, but was young
(6 perhaps)
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The huge empty hole with a veil of pain in my soul. It is so very
very deep.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to live so we aren't afraid to die. Find a place in our culture
which allows death to be a precious as life
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Accepting Death as a reality and not a "bad" thing (after my mother
passed) and having a wonderful year with my father. We shared all
(most) of what we needed to share "before" he died. I 'sort of'
had the same chance with my mother, but she was quite ill and it
was more desperate
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The memory and knowing I had a wonderful life with my parents
and no guilt. Knowing how very much they loved me and my boys.
Knowing they finally knew how very very much I loved them
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
LETTING GO I still pretend in my head they aren't gone forever.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
when they look INTO your eyes tell them you're ok and you love
them with your soul. Don't ask them not to go or that you don't
want them to go, they or we have no control over it and I think it
would make them feel horrible you guilty. I was with my Mother
when she died and actually asked her to stop fighting and go see
what it was all about. My sister was there and she re-iterated the
sentiment. I swear, the peace that fell on the room was a comfort.
My father died 3 hours after I left him (my brother came when I
left, Dad was not left alone) but the last time I had 'contact'
with him he looked me in the eye and begged me to help him (he
couldn't speak) I looked back and with my soul apologized for his
suffering and and acknowledged life was over please let go.
--[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to accept the one thing I and everyone who loved me and
knew me thought would put me over the edge
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My parents (and I had this point with both parents) looked to me
for support and comfort in facing death
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It's a WONDERFUL thing!!!!!!!! You absolutely must have balance...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Taped our conversations (NO VIDEO) my parents lived very full lives.
Taped my Dad singing. Seen my parents dance. Taken them to a
big band or even better barber shop quartet performance. I did
take them the a dixie land jazz show....
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Have the moments and times I had with them the past 3 years
especially, but our entire lives were special. We were very close
as I came quite late in their lives and really kept them on their
toes.......
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The resentment that they are going to leave....
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm simply driving in the car. That's when it gets me the most.
Sometimes between sleep and waking in the morning I think they are
still here too, then when I wake realize they aren't.......
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Not much....
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that they didn't get to see MY children grow up.... that I lost
my parents before alot of my friends..... that they had to suffer
so before death.....
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
cry ----- cry hard enough and deep enough to relieve this pain in
my soul
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I still haven't realized When it rears it's head I remind myself
of all we had together
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
euthenasia for humans is ok. unless the period before death is
pegatory.......yikes, who knows?
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very real. When death is close I believe your souls beging to
communicate and the energy is not comparable to words it's language
spoken from you essence.
--Regarding MONEY:
not an issue. Although we did - our entire family - have dinner at
my brother's the eve of my dad's death. It was a very difficult eve
for us all. The was an awkward moment of silence mid-way thru the
meal and one of the guys (I won't specify 'who ) started humming
"we're in the money". The entire group fell out laughing to the
point of tears.... it still serves as a moment of comfort. and mom
and dad would have laughed every bit as hard as the rest of us.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was a useful step
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how soon people around you forget you've recently experienced a
life-changing loss...
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Listen and believe them when they say something isn't "right"
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I keep waiting to "grieve", I'm not sure what exactly it is I'm
afraid I'll come unglued one of these days because I've played
games with myself to allow the reality in slowly...
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Other than vivid memories of people and times from their past,
neither of my parents experience 'other side' phenomena. Nor have
they 'come' to me.......
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I can't imagine. I feel all was said that could be said and all
was done that could be done
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The time between death and the beginning of letting go is not a good
time to think. We need to share our thoughts and feelings so as not
to cause our loved ones too much turmoil. Though 'keeping busy'
IS very helpful and 'arrangements' are important in the aspect of
doing one last thing for someone you loved.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't think I'm really afraid to die, my fear lies in seeing my
children left behind and hurting. I think I'd kill myself before
I'd let them see me suffer and linger, if I could kill myself.
My poor father.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
denial....sorry
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
my good friend kathy and I have gotten even closer. I met a man and
actually thanked mom for 'sending' him to me, he turned out to not be
'the one'......
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This was good for me to 'talk' and think about my loss. I don't
ever share my thoughts and feelings about the loss of my parents.
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Sun Feb 7 13:44:30 1999
F15 in Centreville, VA =United States=
Name: Erika
Email: <erika1-at-erols.com>
Web: http://WWW.geocities.com/SoHo/Museum/4342
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i was excessively bored, and wanted to soliloquy about
myself.. so.. voila!
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Prof/Studies: i'm a high school student.
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More personal info:
i'm sorry, but i have a very short attention span, and most of
the questions toward the end are blank because i didn't feel like
answering anymore.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
sorry...
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
n/a
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 5 months ago.
Cause of Death: pancreatic cancer.; Aged: 70-something.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when something's "life" comes to an end. Many humans tease the
notion of an afterlife, and there are a plethora of different
theories about i, but nothing has ever been proven.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... the family cat died.. and we had to bury him
in the backyard. it happened right in front of the house while i
was at home, and luckily my much older sister was there to explain
and make it a little less painful. *my animals are really important
to me.*
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
when i first found out that my grandmother had cancer. I was
at my boyfriend's house and my mom called me and told me *smart
decision on her part*. I was in shock for a few minutes, and just
burst into tears. She's always been a sort of soft topic for me.
I've only seen her 3 times in my entire life, and only once have we
really spoken. she lived in finland and only understood finnish,
and i live in the us, and only understand english, which made it
difficult for anything to go between us other than a smile or a
hand shake. blah blah.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
i'm in no position to comment on something that so many people have
devoted their lives and minds to. however ridiculous the ideas of
that religion are, it means a lot to people, and we have no right
to debase it at our will.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i have a newfound motivation to learn finnish.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
probably friends being there for me to spill my guts at. talking
about this is the only way i know how to deal with a lot of things,
and i don't get the opportunity very often, nor do i particularly
feel the need to burden someone else with my personal problems
too frequently.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
thinking about how i never got to know someone so close to me....
my grandmother lived in a small house on a small gravel road out in
rymmattyla. she was surrounded by family *she had had 7 children,
the oldest of which is my mother*, and had many friends around
the village. there was one wall in her living room dedicated to
pictures of her grandchildren.. and i was never on it. my older
sister was, and all the rest of my cousins, no matter how recent
their births were too.... but i wasn't. and that helped my little
complex about how i wasn't really part of the family develop.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
n/a
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i should have been able to control myself.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
UNDERSTAND HER
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
take that walk outside with her and communicate the little bit that
we did
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandmother remembered who i was *she had alzheimer's too*.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
someone wants me to tell them about her, or when i listen to my
finnish tapes, or when i think about my cousins.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i'd be just as negligent about my family, and maybe... ?
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that i refused to take all the opportunities which were thrown at
me to learn finnish.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
end this pointless frivolous shit
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
haven't dealt with it in depth yet
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they cost us money.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
a sense of hopelessness. i don't know.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
NOTHING
--Religious Affiliation:
i was born lutheran, went to a catholic school for 7 years, disavowed
all affiliation with "god", and now i'm wiccan.
--Regarding MONEY:
i don't know, i wasn't included
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
apathy
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
~~~~~~~~
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
.... i.. wish i had some...
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
a few of those apply to me... passage of time and friends'
sensitivities, esp.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sat Feb 6 23:35:04 1999
F27 Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: AIDS; Aged: 28.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an acension into a higher form of existence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
hated God, I hated life, I didn't want to live any more. I didn't
see the point.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my boyfriend, who I lost my viginity to,
was in a car accident. He died while I was with him in the hospital.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how close we all became. Bart's death allowed us to become closer
friends with each other and to each other.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Bart didn't suffer any more.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
reflecting on how much he had suffered. I realized that he was
happier and healthier where he was.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
watching him suffer. It almost got to a point where it was a relief
when he died.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Remind them how much you love them and how important they are to you.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
became aware of the necessity of death. I learned that death can be
a very beautiful experience, and it doesn't have to be frightening
or something to dread.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I needed a release. The stress and depression were overwhelming,
and I needed an outlet for it all.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
do more to show how important Bart was to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there for his family. Although I didn't know them very well,
we formed a bond that has only become stronger with each passing day.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
old feuds dissolved instantly. When we all realized how precious
life is.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember the great times we used to have. Especially when a group
of us are together in his favorite restaurant or when his favorite
song is played.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
the best, brightest, most kind-hearted and beautiful people are
taken from this dark and dreary world far before their time.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
regret and anger. Bart was kept alive and in pain for far too long.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
complete trust and empathy. The people who helped him were kind,
understanding and very warm to all of us, especially Bart.
--Religious Affiliation:
Irish Roman Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
We all had to contribute to expenses. Bart's family had spent all
of their money on his medical expenses, and there was very little
left over for his funeral. All together, we managed to handle a
very nice funeral. It brought us much closer together.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How we all were there, not to mourn, but to celebrate his life and
what he meant to us.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
When I saw Bart in his casket. He looked like he was sleeping. I
had an almost uncontrollable urge to shake him and scream "wake up!"
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
thinking of the good times we had and the bad times we had helped
me alot.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I felt almost certain that Bart was there, with another friend who
died a year earlier, at his wake. It was not a feeling of sadness,
but a feeling of warmness and love, also a bit of concern.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
All of us in our group have become much closer.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Fri Feb 5 20:57:31 1999
F42 in Knoxville, Tn =USA=
Email: <onethompson-at-netscape.net>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
surfing
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Prof/Studies: RN, Pediatrics
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More personal info:
Please post
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Death of a Child and The Circle of life
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Ann Feinstein, Elizabeth Kubler Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: auto accident; Aged: 15yrs.
--Details:
Passenger in the backseat of a hatchback car, driven by his best
friend. His best friend lost control of the car,going down a steep
hill, striking a curb which spun the car around and the back end
struck a tree and my son was pinned in and the entire hood collapsed
in, causing instant death.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the ending of all functions compatible with life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young and thought it was a longterm sleep.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a nieghbor's infant's head became wedged
between the bars of the crib and he choked to death. the viewing
and funeral was held in the home as it was the custom at the time
in our small community. I did not know the family well.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The world looked different in the fact that everything appeared
visually dull, without color and the it seemed as if I were watching
others and myself emotionally devastated.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That because we avoid the topic we cause greater harm than good.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The great comfort and support of real friends; the rallying of my
neighborhood community around us.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
friends that let me grieve...allowed me to cry without trying to
"fix" me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Dealing with the physical and emotional pain of never being able
to see, touch, feel and talk to my son.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't use platitudes, or use cliches...just listen. don't say "god
knew best" or takes the best or it was his time and so on. It is
not a comfort to bring God into the picture in the early stages.It
is not a comfort durying the most intense time.don't wait for
the bereaved to ask for help...note what needs to be done and do
it. Don't say call me if you need something because early on all
"I needed to do" was to die with my child, at the time.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned what was really important and I stopped taking things
for granted. Most of all I know first hand that death is imminent
for us all...that there is no pattern of "only old people die
and that parents always die before their children, for example.
Also that if you have faith that it helps you to move forward.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my mother and siblings, (except one sibling) abandoned me and
avoided me after the funeral because they could not deal with my
pain or theirs; I always thought that your family would "be there."
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It felt good to laugh about many of the things that my child
did that kept us laughing as a family, such as his impersonations,
his pratical jokes and his reactions to other people. As I look
back over his life and in his abscence now, I realize that he was
the one that kept our house laughing.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
review the events with the medical personnel and the EMS personnel
concerning the death, as well as personally thanking the emergency
personnel for the great job they did.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
keep living without my child.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Folks acknowlwdged that they did not know what to do and they did
not try to fix my grieving.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that his friend driving the car has remained a friend and a means
of comfort to us because he can openly share with us all of his
feelings and that we support him as he, too walks the grief path.
Many can not beleive that we are not angry at the young man and
that we, too support him. Many tell us that we should hate him
and that he should have died.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
a "shadow memory occurs--going into a sports store and seeing his
favorite brand of basketbal shoes, making his favorite food(deviled
eggs!)seeing a member of the basketbal team making player of the
year and knowing that if my son was here he would have made it,
too; seeing teens getting on the school bus, hearing a young man's
voice in the Mall saying"mom!"
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think I would still be rushing through life and sweating the small
stuff. I would still take for granted how precious each moment truly
is. I would still be harping on insignificant things such as keeping
the room clean or emptying the garbage. I would still be trying to
mold my child into being how I want him to be instead of enjoying
him for who he is.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I have never said or felt anything like that ever.I am not immune
or special that I should be spared this pain...I already know and
undestand that we all will die one day...
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
See him, touch him, feel him and to hear his laughter again.Sometimes
I want to be wherever he is.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Felt as if a limb was ripped from my body and that I would never
function the way that I always had; that even with an artificial
limb it is not the same as having the one you were born with. Also
felt a tremendous physical pain that would be with me forever. I
also learned that not only did my child die, but the "old me"
died also and would never be the same. I feel that I was /am also
grieving for the "old me."
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Extreme gratitude. I was at the sight and I watched how hard the
folks worked to save him. They kept us informed and showed emotion
during that awful time.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
N/A
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Support, later on in the grieving process.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
as if we all become bound together.
--Regarding MONEY:
It did not matter at the time. Nothing did except trying to stay
afloat in reality.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
There was over a thousand people at his funeral...the entire
community came out to suport us. The line of cars in the procession
looked as if it went on forever. We met many people young and old
whose life my child had been apart of. we learned very positive
things about him we did not know. the city did a "resolution"
to honor him as an outstanding citizen in the community...we were
shocked of how wel he was thought of.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Continuing to wait for my child to walk through the door and to say"
I'm back." Looking for him where ever I go.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Becoming less arousable; sleeping more, talking about there life's
path-past and future; shallow and noisy breathing and finally
non reponsive.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was facing the pain and accepting it and dealing with the moment
at hand.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My son died instantly and he appeared to have a circle of light
around his head and a very peaceful look on his face as if he were
sleeping, immediately after he died.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My husband was in an accident as a child and he remebers running as
hard as he could toward a light but when he would get within reach
the light moved beyond him. He felt that he was chasing the light
and it got further beyond his reach. He was in a comma for 5days
and he said he remebers the light fading and then he awakened.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I know that my son knew he was loved and that he loved us dearly. I
cherish the fact that he knew we respected him and that he could
always depend on us. he knew we always were there for him. I have
no regrets and am happy for the time we had.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell my son how mad I was at him for not coming straight
home. I would tell him that I was sorry I wasted precious time on
stupid things. I would like for him to come to me one more time for
a hug and a kiss and for him to tell me he is having the greatest
time ever and that he is still growing and learning things...that
he still laughs a lot. I would be helped by these actions to know
that in death the spirit does go on and is free.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I statred to have dearms about my son that showed him in various
stages of going through a doorway. He had his hand on the doorkn0b
and with each dream the door was opened wider and wider until after
about six months he finally walked through the door. A bright light
shown through the door, becoming increasing brighter as the door
was opened wider. In the early stages of the dream the color of
his clothes changed- from gray, to off white, to white and finaly
as he went through the door way to bright blue. Each time he was
smiling but did not say a word.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have written my own obituary, my funeral ceremony and songs to be
sung, music to be palyed and by whom. I have also wriiten a note
to my husband telling him to humor me and do as I have requested.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have never been afraid of my dying. I know it is inevitable but
I now look forward to it. I don't look too far ahead to tomorrow
because no one can promise that tomorrow will be there. I take it
one step at a time. I want to go quickly and without pain.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Small remeberance services where friends, mostly his come and we
share stories and laugh together. we get together on his birthday. I
write poetry. I light candles.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
As the above. I now light candles for other teens who have died,
whether I know them or not. I send handwritten cards to the
parents. I call the parents on the death anniversaries and birthdays,
mother's day and father's day.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I found out the mother of the child driving the car had the same
birthday as my son. He oftened celebrated with her and her family
after he celebrated with us. We have a strong bond; she cries with
with and we talk a great deal. we left together as well. i have
formed strong bonds with people that have lost a child due to death
in accidents. One person was a doctor that I never got along with.
when my son died he called me and when I returned to the hospital he
gave me a fatherly hug. I found out that he had lost a child, too.
On holidays we give each other knowing glances or a quick pat on
the shoulder. We smile a sad smile at each other during the rough
times such as holidays and b'days.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I listen hold hands and cry with others. i check on them during the
"hard days" such as b'days, etc.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me think of things that I had never thought of. It was an
opportunity to talk about my grief.
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Fri Feb 5 12:27:42 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GirlFriend, 1yr ago.
Cause of Death: accident; Aged: 18.
--Details:
addicted to drugs
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of your phicical life and the start of a deeper spirtual life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
unaffected
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was a girlfriend
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everyone mourning together
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
We need to prepare ourselves spiritually
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It made me grow up after ledding a sheltered life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Spending time alone to sort out my thoughts and keep a journel as
well as the use of drugs.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never getting to hold them ever again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
there is an after life
--[My GirlFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
still pain for her even after a year
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
a month after the death
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i think it was sort of psycotic
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be more sensitive
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
make the best friends in the world afterward
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i found myself
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
we would sit there and not say anything but just watch the other
sleep.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it would be completely different.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
no one sems to care as much as me
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
block it from my thoughts
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
opened up my eyes and saw things in a new light
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
something a yr ago now i am very against religion
--Religious Affiliation:
I was catholic now im looking into buddism
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
there are no spirts people just live on in your minds.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
standing alone completely souronded by people.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
my awerness became hightened
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
going to the park where we kissed for the first time.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am not as selfish as i use to be
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Rage
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
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Wed Feb 3 13:40:09 1999
F26 in RTP area, North Carolina =USA=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Flirting with Death Web Site: http://www.bosauto.com/jen/death.htm
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Prof/Studies: Internet security & infrastructure
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
A Grief Observed
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
C. S. Lewis
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 11 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: he was hit by a car; Aged: 15.
--Details:
23.December, just before Christmas. He was my best friend, my
boyfriend, my first love. He was walking along a street with a
friend, and the street had no sidewalk, and an oncoming car was
blinded by another car's headlights. The driver never saw John
until it was too late.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
...different for everyone affected by it. There is no way one
person could describe Death for all humans...it's hard enough just
to pinpoint what Death means for -one- human at any given moment.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
The first time, I was young and afraid of losing -my- parents,
because my father had lost one of his. But when my best friend was
killed, I was devestated. For about three months I was in shock, too
lost to care about anything...and then I started trying to die too.
For several years I went through everything from drug addictions to
wrecking my car to trying to hang myself with an electrical cord.
I eventually found a good psychiatrist and got my life together,
but I spent about seven years completely destroyed.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother died of cancer. It didn't affect me -too- badly
until I saw my father crying -- I'd never seen him cry -- and
that was when I realised that he had lost his mother, and she
wasn't coming back, and someday I was going to lose my mother too.
And that was pretty rough.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The most significant death in my life is not the most recent I've
had to deal with. The thing I remember best about that death was
how drastically it changed the living it left behind -- his friends,
his family, the ones who loved him. Some of us went completely nuts.
Some of us drowned ourselves in alcohol and drugs. Some of us came
through it stronger. But -all- of us changed, and changed a lot.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is not an enemy, or a horrible thing, or something that
must be staved off at all costs. Those who have a desire to die,
especially those who suffer a lingering illness that will kill
them anyway, should not be treated as if they were criminals.
The morality of suicide, assisted suicide, and euthanasia aside,
it is -not- evil or perverse to want to die. Sometimes it just
means a person may need more help living than he's getting, be it
medically or psychologically.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death taught me not to forget to tell my friends I love them.
It reminded me to make sure that every time someone does something
special for me, they see me smile and they know how happy it made me.
It taught me to make sure that I don't waste an opportunity to make
someone laugh.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Guilt. The thing that, ultimately, kept me from killing myself
was knowing how the death of someone I loved had destroyed me,
and the knowledge that if I also died, my family, my parents, my
little brother, my little sister...they'd go through the same hell
I'd been going through. It may not be comforting, but it kept me
alive until I could get good counselling.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The spaces where he used to be. Remembering his smile and knowing
I'd never ever see that smile again. Hearing tapes of his voice
and knowing I'd never hear that voice again. All these things I
was -used- to that were gone.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Normalcy. No cloying sympathy, no fake cheer. Sometimes it's best
to sit there like you're on the couch at home with him, watch some
TV, crack some jokes, and above all tell him you love him.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I didn't learn as much from his death, or from the other deaths
of other friends, as I did from simply living after all the dying
was over. It's the living part that's hard.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When I had to call my other friends and tell them he was gone.
It was the day before Christmas, and none of them believed I was
serious...we were all only fifteen, and no one really dies when
you're fifteen. Right? Wrong.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I have never felt that urge.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
...to tell him I loved him. The day before he left for Christmas
break, he mailed me a letter telling him he loved me. I never got
a chance.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
There is not much to be thankful about in this instance.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
When my friend's mother gave me a T-shirt of his. Though she
didn't know it, she happened to pick up my favourite shirt of his.
She gave it to me, and it still smelled like him. Some people say
that smell is most strongly linked to memory -- to have something
that still smelled like him allowed me to hold onto my memories
until I was ready to let go.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The reception at the house afterwards. It was at best useless,
at worst sheer torture as complete strangers moved through the
house eating food and talking about how wonderful the service was.
No one should be forced to entertain right after a funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
...when things surprise me and bring the memories back. There are
still songs I can't listen to, because they bring it all up again.
Sometimes I'll see someone in a crowd who looks like him. Sometimes
I'll come across a photograph, or see something in a movie.
When I got married two years ago, I thought of him, and how I wished
he could have been there, and thought of how he and my new husband
would've gotten along. It's been eleven years and I still miss him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I'd be a totally different person. His death was the single most
defining event in my life; everything about me would be different.
Perhaps we wouldn't have remained close friends; perhaps we
would've been one of those high school sweetheart couples who
ended up married. I can't even imagine how different it would be,
because -everything- would be different.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
None of it was fair. He was fifteen years old and brilliant and
kind and funny, and he's gone. The man whose car hit him was a
father and was not drinking or speeding or being reckless, and
he has to live the rest of his life with the memory of killing a
teenage boy. When he was hit by the car he was walking along with
a friend, who was unhurt and has to go through life remembering
watching it happen. His little sister, his parents, his friends,
-me-...all of us were irrevocably changed. There was nothing just
about his death. There was -nothing- fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
...see him again. Just for an hour or two, just to tell him I loved
him, to thank him for all the beauty he brought into my life while
I had him. To thank him for all the times he made me laugh.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
...lost everything. When it really hit, it was like every sensation
was scooped out of me, like I was hollow. Even now I have only
vague memories of the month or so after he was killed...there are a
lot of blanks. I withdrew from everything. I didn't handle it well.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
It wasn't able to do much, not in this case.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
...nothing at all, not then. Religion to me is more of a comfort
in times of joy than a refuge in times of sorrow.
--Religious Affiliation:
Maga
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Strengthened by the fact that I managed to go on living. Now,
I appreciate the bonds of spirit more, and I am grateful for them.
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
...how awful it was for me. I understand that many others feel a
funeral grants closure, but I found my closure elsewhere.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Having gone through the whole death process as many times as I
have now, I still think the weirdest part is the blank time after
acceptance, when you know he's really dead and it's as if a chunk
of reality has been scooped out. I've never gotten used to that.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have experienced such a thing, but as it was extremely personal,
I don't feel it would help another to share it.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The only unresolved issue I have is guilt that I never told him how
much I appreciated having him in my life, and how much I loved him.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I saw him once, again. It was a moment when I was at my lowest,
looking back over old letters and photographs, and crying. And I
turned around and he was standing in my room, and he looked so sad,
and he said "I never wanted to hurt you," and then he was gone.
I didn't see him again.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Even if a dying person's wishes are not carried out, he should
never be made to feel guilty or ashamed of his wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My own mortality doesn't frighten me. Knowing how badly it would
hurt my husband and my family is the only thing that bothers me
about the idea of my own death. But I am not afraid of it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have set aside one day out of the year to remember those close to
me who've died. And the rest of the year, I concentrate on giving
my love to the living.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I continue to observe that one day, my own special holiday.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
By contrast -- I lost most of my old friends because of the changes
I underwent after his death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
In this case, the only thing that helped me deal with the death
was time.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
Fear of death, but not of -my- death...I was afraid of losing those
close to me.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Actually, sometimes one of the most helpful things to do is to allow
yourself to -be- helped. I spent so much time helping my friends
that they didn't even see how completely lost I was, and I didn't
share my pain with them.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
At the very beginning, you ask what had helped us work through a
significant death. The thing you don't mention as an option is Time.
Sometimes nothing at all helps cope with a loss but simply plodding
through each day, each year, until it's bearable.
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Wed Feb 3 12:50:01 1999
M19 in Boyle, Co. Roscommon =Ireland=
Email: <Acedog88-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Graphics student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Crow, Cabal , The use of weapons
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
James O'barr, Clive Barker, Iain M. Banks
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cut throat; Aged: ?.
--Details:
I found a cat which had been hit by a car , it's head torn open
and lying in the sun. It was still alive , breathing shallowly.
I brought it int othe shade and put it out of it's misery.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our time in these bodies, I believe we pass on.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was histerical, depressed and glad.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grand father, a man who had been present
all my life took ill and died of natural causes at the age of 80.
I was about 12 ,
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the blood, it was warm. the body was so cold, but the blood was hot
--What I think my (Ireland) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To stop trying to define it and fear it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It's lessons on living
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The knoledge that it brought relief
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss of their presence, it left a hole.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I heard that he was ill, after that it was inevitivable that he
would die.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I felt a hell of alot better after I had cut that cats neck , it
was better than a slow death in the sun, still , its a bitter relief.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to him more
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
began to accept it, and wanted to explore it further
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Chatolic, athiesm, Paganism, Wicca, Zen.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right. they are another people, a hidden tounge
--Regarding MONEY:
there was enough
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the "knees - up " after wards. He had a good send off
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
watching the world carry on as normal despite it
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
not breathing , being in residense 6 feet under
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
no idea
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
the right to die where you want , when you want
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
it should be one of the most interesting experiences of my life,
I hope.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
nothing helps you deal with it, it simply is. Death does no deals.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
I thiught he'd be there forever, that I'd always have time to get
to really know him and learn from him.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I hope it helps someone's research
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
plainer, less tortured english please.
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Tue Feb 2 21:19:44 1999
F20 in New London, CT =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 69.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of the self's existance in this body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know what the big deal was.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... it was my mother's childhood nanny- I knew her
from her nursing home days (we used to visit). She died of old age.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that my mother was REALLY upset (as was her whole side of the
family), and I felt bad because I didn't feel particularly bad.
I was kind-of glad, because now she was in a better place.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to cope with it- we need a better view of death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that she is no longer in the extreme pain that she was in right
before she died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my dad, who has the same view of death and funerals that I do.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling bad about not feeling as bad as I thought I ought to feel.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
keep them smiling right into the end- let them leave you with
a smile.
--[My Great GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am not afraid.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they were keeping her alive for themselves, rather than her- she was
in pain and just wanted to leave her body and they wouldn't let her.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was a great tension relief for my dad and myself, but the others
thought it VERY inappropriate.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
know her better.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help my mother cope with it.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
all of her dolls (she collected dolls) were wrapped and packed away
in boxes- like she was.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the wake/funeral. Seeing her empty body "one last time" seemed
pointless.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
someone I love is in a dangerous situation or is leaving me for a
long period of time and I'm not sure if I will have a chance to say
"goodbye" before they are truly gone.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think it would be any different.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the bad people can survive day after day and the angels are
taken off this earth before they can do good.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
get away from everyone who think that they know how I feel.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went for a walk in the woods, and sang a song for her.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
thanks. they did all they could.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very good- they greatly helped my family in caring for her.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
it meant a lot for my family- that she was being "saved" and such,
and I'm glad they had that reassurance. I don't follow those
beliefs, so my only feelings towards it is that I'm happy it had
meaning for them- it helped them deal.
--Religious Affiliation:
current- pagan past- Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
much more "right" than any individual belief system that I have
encountered's ideas of death
--Regarding MONEY:
her illiterate husband greatly needed our (family) help in dealing
with the everyday issues like bills and groceries.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the heavy, heavy air in the room, and then the color of the dirt
in the cemetery.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the thought that they put the wrong color lipstick on her - it was
NOT her color.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the fire in my eyes starts to go out and when I begin to feel done
with this earth.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
FOR ME, grief is a waste of time- I can't spend time feeling bad
for myself when I think we should be celebrating her release from
her weak body.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't know anything about this.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nope.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think that she and I are fine. We're in different worlds, now.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would rather not converse with her- it might confuse her now.
She doesn't belong here with me any more.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
nope
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Wills are VERY good to write- it saves the family from the squabbles
and pettiness that can arise- about treatment/burial aspects AND
redistribution of their worldly goods.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'd rather not know how or when I will die ahead of time. At this
point, I am trying to live each day as if it was the last- no
regrets, no what-ifs. If I knew I had a limited time to live,
I think I would see/experience everything I possibly can- I'd have
a whole lifetime to squeeze into a short time!
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I said "goodbye" & later sang a song for her.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I noticed my mother and her sister became MUCH closer...
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
you could ask what people's concept of "heaven" or re-incarnation
is... is there an afterlife?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Feb 2 17:55:03 1999
M63 in Pennsauken, NJ =USA=
Name: Walter Kawa
Email: <Bsmkay-at-aol.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: Retired
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: Retired
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 1 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Heart attack; Aged: 34.
--Details:
Job, stress, life stress
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
feeling like half of me has died.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't think much of it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...Found out my father had cancer; had an
operation and in one week he was dead of lung cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
we were very good friends; he was my son; I lost someone I talked
to daily.
--What I think my (Camden) culture needs to better learn about death is:
be religious and feel that the person is in a better place and you
believe in heaven.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
he is not suffering any more.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my self, my own mind and something I learned from my daughter;
writing letters to these people that died and reread them as time
goes on. You'll see how you progressed in time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling of abandonment, loneliness and that I could have done
more; guilt.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
support; show them love.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realize you dont have your children forever and every day ius a
gift and dont let days pass by without showing them your love for
there is no guarantee of tomorrow.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I heard that he was dead. My other son told me, "Dad, do you
hear me?"
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was weired. Harry Brecker from Zerox made me laugh at my
wife's funeral. Swampy and I were laughing about my son when he
was pitching and catching at a playoff game. He was tough.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
nothing
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk about his death to everyone I met.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Miscella playing the bagpipes at my son's grave. The monsignor
saying, You have to believe Walt is in a better place.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
WHO WERE THE PALLBEARERS
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about my son; a million things,m not one thing. Any day,
moment, week, vacation, it makes me cry to think that he tried so
hard on this earth.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be 100% giving and loving and not holding back one bit.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he wasn[t married; that I am not a grandfather; life didn't
go on the way he would like; it's not fair that a child should die
before a father.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I gues I am not thinking suicide, but I did some crazy skiing or
something I guess I could just be hurt and suffering and just be a
burdon to those around me. I don't have the guys to commit suicide.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
dod what I had to do;l funeral, burial, mortgaging the house,
sending cards; there was a lot of crying going on there; a lot of
tears on every piece of paper I picked up.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They could not stop my son't suffering; the medical community stinks.
They could not understand my son's complaints.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
strength. Without religion I feel I would be very weak.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
your soul never dies. If tht is also the spirit, albeit. I feel
that we will all be able to communicate one day with the past;
the people who have died before us.
--Regarding MONEY:
it was ALL my responsibility. There were no insurance policies ;
everything was paid out of my pocket and my other son or daughter
didn't have any burdon, it was all mine and I dealt with it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
both my wife and my son's funerals were the entire 2 hours of people
in line atthe coffin and it was a high for me to speak to everyone,
It was a wonderful feeling; a very successful funeral, many people.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
couple of months later when I came back from skiing while writing
out Christmas cards I cried for a day and a half straight.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
NA
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
sudden death did not give me a chance to say goodby.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
The toilet flushed upstairs and the toilet flushed downstairs all
by themselves, and I was laughing wondering how this could happen.
As I am coming down the steps from upstairs between the 4th and the
3rd step from the bottom i felt as if a person on my right side took
and hugged me very hard. I was laughing to myself thinking this
was so weird. My brother called and told me Mom died 15 min. ago.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no one can help me. My mind can imagine any thought, any
possibility. I don't feel I need anyone to help me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I guess it wouldn't be much. Just like HI I love you and I want
to see you some day for good.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had a vivid nightmare. IT was 2:30 whe I laid down to go to bed
and I saw my wife standing, smiling in a white and pink gown and
we were both smiling and I said to her, "I thought you were dead."
And she says, "No, I'm alive,(smiling)and I saw my daughter and my
wife taking chocolate out of a fruit basket that was given at the
funeral. It was so funny because I wanted some of that chocolate
and I woke up standing in my room with the light on it was 2:45
and in reality I said it was a dream. My wife Is dead. It was as
clear a dream as you could imagine.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I wouldn't want to know when I was to die. BUt I suppose and
have heard somewhere that you should be ready for death every day.
and prepared.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I speak to them all the time; I go to the cemetery every week after
mass; and when I am in the middle of a project, drawing plans for
a building or dealing with finances, I break away just to write a
letter to my son or my wife at that point.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
It is just a weird relationship with my girlfriend whom my son knew
for a year. She was wonderful in helping me cope and was a godsend.
My son who died also liked her very much. She deserves much credit
in this ordeal.,
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
Died on Fri. Sat. I was out huckstering
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
That people should show you love and consideration and respect.
That's all anybody wants.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Knowing that I did and am doing the right thing.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Always think of the person that died as how would they have wanted
this done, or if it has to do with their belongings or house
or people or decision, ask how would your dead wife or son have
wanted it.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Feb 2 10:01:28 1999
M in Teaneck, NJ =USA=
Name: Roland
Email: <rsw-at-wilsonsjazzcafe.com>
Web: http://www.wilsonsjazzcafe.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Manager
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Parents, 6 & 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer & Heart Defect; Aged: 67/63.
--Details:
My mother died quietly while she lay in a command after a reaction
to morphine injected just a few days prior. She had been ill
from lung cancer and refused to eat for months on end. It was
the inevitable slow slide toward death that gave us some time
to prepare mentally. My father died suddenly while I was on
vacation just 8 weeks after my mother. While he had chest pains
all of his life, doctors could never find any cause. This unexpected
loss has been the hard to accept. Although I would say that I was
probably closer to my mother for many years the sudden loss is more
disturbing. Like a robbery at night when you arent home. Only its
your heart that is stolen not your possesions
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The ultimate end of a relationship. The end of possibilities
and options.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried
--That first time, how it happened was
grandfather who died from cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The sadness of all
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Took away my mothers pain and my fathers depression
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Exteded family helping out
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
accepting it
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To know that someone cares. If you are truly a freind, you will be
there for them
--[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Apprciate all that you have now
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Told that it will surely happen soon
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Feb 1 22:43:02 1999
F31 in tustin, ca ==
Email: <toxicgirl-at-juno.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i needed to do a class project and this web site caught my eye.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
the path ahead
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
lynne ann DeSpelder and Alber lee strickland
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart problems; Aged: 86.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transitional process from what we are now to the unknow. i dont
think anybody knows what happens after they die.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was well prepared and i was not extremely sad.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...i lived with an elderly lady about three
years ago and she died from heart problems. everyone excepted it
and i was well prepared for it. i only knew her for a year.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it needs more death education classes and it needs more ways to
deal with death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The gods has given death to us humans and nobody can take that gift
away. humans should look forward to death not run away from it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i know that i do not fear death and its a natural process. what
makes it hard for us is the memory of the person that has passed on.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
i am so far lucky to have not experienced some one close to me
die yet.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
how to act and who do i talk to about it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
this is a horriable question.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i never thought death was not fair.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they have great technilogy but the medical staff is not very
personable.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i dont understand the question.
--Regarding MONEY:
a lot of relatives wonder if they will recieve anything.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
the lady that died was jewish and i knew nothing of jewish practice
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
From WebUser-at-Eugene.COM Sat Feb 6 22:57:59 1999
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 09:18:15 -0800
Email: <LofShallot-at-aol.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Retail Executive/studying World Relgions
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Death: The Final Stage of Growth. Who Dies? Hello From Heaven.
Full Circle. (many others...esp various religions philosophies
on death)
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Steven Levine. Guggenheim. Barbara Harris
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: heroine; Aged: 34.
--Details:
His death was a surprise as well as the cause for it. He was a
very successful engineer with everything going for him. So the
question why has been very prominent in the grieving process.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a change in one's physical state. It is a transition to a highter
state of consciousness...where the individual (or the soul continues
to live, perceive, understand, grow, etc...
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
couldn't understand death at all...it was the first time i was
forced to grapple with not only the death of my mother but my own
death and life as well. So, i attacked it the way i attack most
questions in my life...academically....by reading as much on death
that i could and taking classes which focussed on death.
--That first time, how it happened was
I had many other experiences with death as a child...ie aunts,
uncles, great-grandparents, distant relatives and neighbors...but no
one that i was really close with...my first real grieving occurred
with the death of my mother when I was 23 yrs old. We were extremely
close so losing her was not only losing a mother. It was losing my
best friend..
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
i was much more prepared for my brothers death...i had already been
doing 5 years of death studies...it was still difficult to accept
his end to this form of existence...but i have no doubt that he
still exists....the question isn't even an issue...
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
the dead are still very present with us...we can't avoid death...we
are in a death denying culture..and we do everything to avoid
it...there needs to be a greater acceptance of the reality of
death...but not the finality of existence
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the experiences and the knowlege that I've gained from my mother
and my brother after they died...
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a friend of mine who is a Professor Of the Psychology Of Death and
Dying....many talks with him and many books that he recommended...
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not having them physically around anymore
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
n/a
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
right after my mother died suddenly and i couldn't find a reason why?
it just didn't make any sense for her to have died so young and
so unexpectantly. She was 55 and died in her sleep...no disease,
in relatively good health,...she was taking care of my two dying
grandparents...she was playing a very essential role in this
life....her death made no sense at this time
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
the event was just so shocking and I was in such disbelief that that
there was nothing else to do sometimes but laugh at it...probably
as a defense mechanismto the constant pain i was feeling
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my mother that I loved her just one more time...given her
just one more hug...gone shopping with her the week before she
died...which i refused when she asked me because i just didn't
feel like it....tell my brother that i loved him...not had that
stupid argument over the tv that he gave me just 3 nights before
he died...which was the last conversation that i had had with him...
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Get through christmas and his death without my life falling apart
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
all the funeral arrangements...the flowers, the mass, songs, etc....
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think about memories with my mom or my brother...or what we'd be
doing nowif they were still physically present
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it's always some utopian fantasy where everyone is happy and your
saying all the 'i love you's' that you didn't get to say when
in reality if it didn't happen...you'd be doing everything you did
the same way for 20+ yrs...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone be taken away so young with so much to give and so
much to do...
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just run to my mom again....and have her tell me that everyting is
going be ok...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
can to better terms with what life is really all about and why we
are here...
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a formality...a formal institution by which to conduct the proper
western mortuary custom...
--Religious Affiliation:
Nostalgically Catholic...or maybe a recovering Catholic...not
sure which...
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
is a oneness in all creatures...and this oneness is what many would
term as God...
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that there was so many people at both funerals...and you coud feel
how my mom and my brother affected so many people...we forget that
often...and ultimately...life is about people
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was only that i accepted that they weren't coming back that i
could finally start to grieve
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i am at peace with my mom and my brother...we've had those
conversations already during the visions...
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i have had numerous experiences with both my mother and my
brother...Shortly after my mother's death in 1992 i started having
dreams. My brother also had dreams and visions. I often questioned
the validity of these happenings as maybe my own unconsious attempt
to accept her death....so i used to discuss these events with my
Psych prof friend...he gave me instructions as to what to do when
these events happened...like asking the dead for something...so
i would ask my mom questions that i wouldn't know the answers
to...and she gave me the answers and i looked them up and they
were verified...she gave me recipes, directions, lottery numbers
(only the pick three...no big deal), she has shown me places,
and things before they've happened, she has given me warnings
and advice,..she has come to me in visions, in dreams, in voice,
and in thought...she still remains very active in my life when i
need her...even after 6 years....about 3 months after my brother
died in 1997 I started to have experiences with him...i even had
a joint experience with both my mom and my brother...my mother
still remains in forefront with my experiences... but I still
have experiences with my brother just not as often...what do i
believe is happening? sometimes i just don't know...i'll always
be the world's biggest cynic and rationalist thinker...so when i
look at this all rationally and logically...i still can't help but
question whether this is my mind playing some unconscious trick
as a defense mechanism to help with the grieving process...or does
the mind have other powers that we as humans haven't come to fully
utilize and my mother and my brother are metaphors for these powers
in my life...ie...how would i know some of the information that i am
receiving via this medium...those are the questions i still grapple
with...i know this...I have numerous experiences with my mom and my
brother, whatever these experiences are,...and i get information from
them ...and these experiences are occurring long after the grieving
process has ended and full acceptance has been attained....so i
just accept it as a good thing or a gift from them whatever it is...
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
the wish of the dying should always be honored...it's their life...
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not aftraid of death anymore...if i were to die tomorrow that
would be ok...i don't really have any unfinished business...but
i do know that i will be here for awhile because i still have so
much to give to the world....
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i meditate and do yoga...
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i have become more concerned about other...i've become less
selfish...i tend to just give things away...materialism and personal
acquisition has become less important...i do know this....the whole
reason we are here on this planet is love and people....i never felt
so strongly about this before...i just have uncontrollable urge to
just give of either things or myself to others....materialism and
selfish motivations just don't make sense anymore
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
my Psychology Prof friend, my ex-boyfriend of 6 yrs who i would have
probably broken up with after 1 yr has become like a brother to me
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
it was really one friend. who is a Psychology Prof of Death &
Dying at a nearby Univ, who really helped me put all the pieces
together. I also took his class.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
namely my father...and his inability to deal with the death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
the questionare was a little long....there were some questions which
i would have written more for....but i was just getting tired...it
should be broken into two parts...
overall...the questionare was a very good experience in focusing all
of my feelings about the two deaths...
as opposed to the compartmentalization that i had done with my feelings
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Mon Feb 1 09:14:54 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 20yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 50.
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather had a heart attack
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
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Mon Feb 1 09:07:12 1999
F20 in new brunswick, nj =usa=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 78.
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...that it was my cousin, i was fairly close to
her. It was suicide.
--Religious Affiliation:
hinduism
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
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See Jan 99 contributions.
See Dec 98 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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