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Sun Jan 31 09:51:34 1999
F14 in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan =USA=
Name: Stephanie
Email: <MeijerGrl-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  from Yahoo!

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Prof/Studies: student
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 2 and 1/2 yrs.  ago.
Cause of Death: liver failure;   Aged: 12 yrs. .

--Details: 
     We think that my neighbor poisoned him. I was 11 years old at the
time, and had known the cat since I was born.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when we are no longer a part of the world that we had once known.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my pet gerbil died.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the fear of my own death.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     not about stopping.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     my cat's suffering finally stopped when he died.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     the support my friends gave me.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     knowing that I would never get to hold him again.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     to let the person know you love them.
 
--[My cat's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     still dream of him, so it's as if he's not really gone.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I found out he was going to die.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     it was a defense mechanism.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     stay with him until he died.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     show him i cared about him.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I was the only one that could make him purr.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     i have no idea.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I dream about my cat that died.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     It would be quite different, because I wouldn't know  the sorrow
of it all.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that he had to die...he was always so healthy.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     turn back time.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     sadness. There was almost nothing they could do for him.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     N/A
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     nothing
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     I'm Catholic.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     huh?
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     treatments for him were too costly.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     it was quiet. We buried him in the back yard.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     How i continued to dream about him after his death.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     his loss of appetite, the way he layed around the house instead of
going outside like he normally did.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     the grieving was a long and strenuous process.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     like i said before, i dream about him occasionally.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     N/A
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     i miss him.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     N/A

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     In every dream, i would reach out and he would dissapear.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I should let people know  that I love them.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I would be terrified.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     N/A

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     no

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     no

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Lack of Awareness 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     N/A

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It was a little too long...i kind of lost interest near the end.

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Sun Jan 31 09:21:52 1999
Anonymous Guest 
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  from Yahoo
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Sun Jan 31 07:38:32 1999
F23 in Bloomington, Indiana =USA=
Name: Debby Herbenick
Email: <debby-at-indiana.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: research assistant, Psychology, going on to graduate school
 
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	The Meaning of Life
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Life Magazine SPecial Issue and (author) Friend
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 10 days ago.
Cause of Death: congestive heart failure;   Aged: 90.

--Details: 
     It was at home and he had been feeling badly the night before. I live
far from my grandparents (a different state). I was not there. My
grandmother feels guilty for not calling 911 sooner. She feels that
if she had, her husband of 67 years would still be here. He died
at the hospital rather than at home.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     a big loss. We miss the people who die. We have trouble understanding
what their life has meant, what our life means and where theire
souls go and what their/ our purpose has been/ is.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     felt sick to my stomach and couldn't finish my breakfast. I cried.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...It was my uncle bob when I was 6 years
	old. I had seen him in the summers in Maine when we would visit
	there from Florida and I liked him a lot. We would have barbeque
	cookouts and roll down the grassy hills and go for wheelbarrow rides
	around is yard. When my mom told my sister and I that he had died
	I felt sick. The event was important enought to me that I wrote it
	in my diary, where there were very few entries, most of them abut
	my cats. Later entries in the diary would be about when cats I had
	died or ran away as I got older.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     that I allowed others to feel whatever it was they were feeling but
I was one of the few who did that. Others were uncomfortable and
so if my grandmother said she was said, they would say not to feel
that way or not to think about that and I would talk to her about
feeling sad. I felt that other family members (my mom and sister)
needed to minimize and even ignore thoughts or feelings they were
not comfortable dealing with.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     to celebrate the person's life and make it less of a mourning and
more of a joyful recollection of who that person is to us all.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     that I thought about my life and my grandfather's life. I thought
that perhaps the meaning of my grandfather's life was to show me
that good things, excellent things (people) exist and so even when
I am depressed, it is like a lighthouse on the shore to remember
good people like my grandfather with whom I have shared so much love.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     The best thing was talking about my grandfather to other people and
hearing what their memories were and it was also helpful to listen
to music and find something of him in every song I listened to.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     The realization that I couldn't just call my grandfather on the
phone and hear his voice. I also regretted not making a recent
visit that would have occurred just two weeks prior to his death.
  
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     am glad that we loved each other while alive and that we hugged
and kissed and told each other about the love we felt instead of
hiding it away.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     ?????

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     that is one part of my family that I cherish. We laugh. My 10 year
old cousin was tired and said he wanted to go lay down on a couch. I
said he could go lay down with my grandfather in the casket and we
all laughed. At another moment just kneeling at the casket with my
grandmother, she was sad saying it looked like he could just wake
up any minute. I said, yes, and cracked a joke about what he might
say and we laughed right there at the casket. IT seemed to help us
both to laugh. My grandfather was a very funny man himself.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     visit my grandfather and dance one more time with him to the Tea
for Two Cha Cha.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     volunteer to be a pallbearer and speak at his funeral in an
articulate manner (rather than bursting into tears) so that others
could clearly hear my reflections on my grandfather.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     ?
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     ?

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I hear a song that reminds me of my Grandpie or when I smell one of
the sweaters that my Grammie gave me which was his and which still
smells like that last time I hugged him and he and I both cried.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     Well, it depends when I think of it. Sometimes I see us all being
happy being together, other times I know that except for friends
and relatives few visits, Grandpie didn't see too many people. My
grandmother would be happier with his companionship still there,
but I think maybe it is better this way.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that I didn't get to dance with him or see him one more time.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     hide away somewhere and sleep or cry.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     hurt really bad. When it really hit me I was still wishing (no
longer thinking but wishing) it was a mistake or unreal. But I knew
it wasn't and I just hurt so much inside.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     I didn't have nay contact with the doctors. I know that my Grammie
said that the emergency room doctors were wonderful to her when
her husband of 67 years died.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     I no longer take part in going to mass but his funeral was held in a
church and this was comforting because it wsa part of my childhood
and part of a ritual he was used to is his 90 years of life. It
seemed true to him and I appreciated it. The funeral mass also took
place in the church where he was christened so his life pretty much
started and ended there in the same church and I thought that was
appropriate as well.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Catholic
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     I hafe thought a great deal about how death has always happened
so long as people have been alive. Besides the occurrence I have
not thought of similarities but rather differences: how do/ have
other cultures/ eras dealth with death differently that I do and
my culture/ religion do?
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     I would have carpeted with world with flowers had I the money. My
grandmother wanted "the best" casket and vault, but she picked out
a really good one which she was pleased with and she was able to
afford it.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     How many people came to pay tribute to the greatest man I have
ever known.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     I wanted to be alone in the room with Grandpie and take his hands
and pretend to dance with him but of course I couldn't. But I did
touch him a lot and I even took a few hairs of his which had fallen
onto his suit jacket.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     My grandmother says his face became sharper and less rounded as he
got older and sicker in general.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     ?
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     None to my knowledge for my grandfather. However, his sister died
12 years ago and I was there in the hospital regularly to visit
her. A day or so before her death (maybe even a week before) she
would ask for her brothers who were dead (note that she would not
ask for her brother, my grandfather, who was then alive - just
the dead brothes). Some people thought she was losing her mind. I
thought she was asking for them to come and take her. She wanted
them to come to her.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     n/a
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     He knew I loved him, I'd said so in person and on the phone and
had written a long letter two or three years earlier detailing
everything I loved about my grandparents and why and sent it to
them. But I had said I would visit for his birthday and didn't
because I was starting a new job and money was tight and 2 weeks
later he died. I am comforting myself by saying I still did other
things and had visited just recenlty but I do wish I had gone again
on his birthday. I'm not sure how to resolve that.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     That I'm sorry I didn't come on his birthday. I know he would say
it was okay and that he understood but even so I would say I was
sorry. That would help me feel better.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I wish he would come back and visit me. The most I can say about this
is that although I haven't seen or heard Grandpie yet, when I need
to be comforted it somehow works out well and I attribute it to him.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     -

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I have to touch the dead body. I did this with the three family
funerals I have attended. I kiss them and I touch them.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I think it's too soon to tell re: my grandfather. But with past
deaths, I talk to those relatives on occasion and I do that now
with my grandfather and probably always will. I ask for comfort,
if something comical happens I say, "YOu did that, didn't you?" or
I thank them when something good comes my way.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     No, not yet.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 
     Now that I am somewhat "older" (I am 23) I feel a need to see
death not as an end to a person's life but as part of that person's
life. My grandfather, who I was extremely close to, just died about
10 days ago. My mom and I actually took pictures of him in the
casket and pictures of each other kneeling by the casket. The people
that were there (my sister, for example) thought htis was wierd (we
did it before the crowds arrived). But to me it is better to have
the photos than not have them. I'm not really letting him go away,
I am accepting the death but am not saying goodbye. Maybe goodbye
to hearing and seeing him move andt alking to him on the telephone
but I still have him inside of me and I like that.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Keeping Busy 
     Just now when my grandfather died I raced around the house preparing
for the trip to Boston: picking out clothes, finding books for
the plane, etc. and when I finally liad down late that night to
go to sleep, it was the first time in hours that night I hadn't
been doing SOMETHING and I just cried and cried and cried. It is my
inclination to keep busy but I am not letting myself do so because
I need to experience my grief and my loss. I can't gloss over it.

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Sun Jan 31 01:19:16 1999
F24 in St. Louis, MO =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother,  4 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 80+.

--Details: 
     I was a sophmore in college when my grandma died.  My parents lived
in the same city as my grandma, and they had told me that she
was having a lot of problems.  My parents had to go out of town
and when they came back, my mom took my grandma to the hospital.
The hospital gave her some medication because she was in a lot of
pain, but the medication didn't help so my mother took my grandma
back to the hospital and insisted that they admit her for IV meds.
That was on Sunday.  On Wednesday, my mom called and told me  that
the doctors had figuired out that my grandma had cancer and she was
in a lot of pain because it was in her bones--breast bone, pelvis,
and bone marrow.  They brought her to enough consciousness to ask
her about her living will then the doctors gave her enough pain
medication to take away the pain.  I got home on Friday night and
went to see my grandma.  My parents told me that she only responded
when  someone said my name.  I walked in and talked to her, and she
gave me a verbal groan as a response.  That night I visited her for
a brief time, then left.  I offered to stay at the hospital so that
my parents could go home, but my dad stayed there and my mom and I
went home.  My sister was expected to fly in the following morning.
About 5 am, my mom woke up and went to the hospital.  About 5
minutes later the phone rang, and my dad said to come right away.
My parents were already at the hospital, I came and my cousin.
The entire family stood around the bed.  My dad on her right, my mom
and cousin at the foot of the bed, and I was holding her left hand.
She took a few final breaths, squeezed my hand and died.  I called
my sister, told her.  Two days later we had a funeral.  My sister
and I laughed most of the way through it.  I went back to school
the next day.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the ceasation of life.  The spirit leaves the shell of the body
and joins another dimension.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was scared.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...there was a family friend who died when I was
	in kindergarden.  I remember that my nanny took me to the funeral
	home.  I wore a red dress, and I was scared when I saw the body.
	I remember that I came home and was afraid to sleep with the
	lights out.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     feeling that death was for the best, being late for the funeral home,
and laughing with my sister at the funeral.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     the body is only a shell.  Death is not a bad thing, rather it is
the extension of the spirit into an alternate dimension.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     being there when my grandmother died and feeling as if she loved
and was passing some of her spirit to me.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my beliefs
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     dealing with other people who thought that I should be acting
a different way.  People telling me that I had not dealt with
the death.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     allow them to die.  Some people feel obligated to fight, despite
pain, to live for you.
 
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     was able to love and let go and have good feelings after the death.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I found out that my grandmother had cancer because everyone was
unaware that she was ill.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     That is just my personality.  When my family and I are together, we
make each other laugh--in all situations.  It seems like my sister
and I get together and can't control ourselves.  It made me feel
so much better, even though a lot of people did not appreciate it.
My family, however, was NOT offended by my laughing.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     spend more time with her.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     see her right before she died and be there when she died.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     feeling the spirit of the deceased person.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     crying and "grieving" in a traditional way.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I think about all the good times.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     It wouldn't differ because I would still love the same way and I
would still have a lot of time constraints that would restrict my
ability to spend time with my grandma.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I never think that it's not fair.  Life isn't fair.  I just take
every day as it comes.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     Nothing.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt at ease because I knew someone I loved no longer felt pain.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     compassionate hospital staff who allowed the family to stay overnight
and by there when death was imminent.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     no hospice contact
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     a place to celebrate the funeral.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Catholic
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     beyond reality, but very real.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     I got an inheritance that was generous, but not necessary excessive.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     it was great to see so many people, and I found that my grandmother
touched the lives of many people who I didn't even know.  A guy who
came to fix my grandmother's air conditioner came to the funeral
home because he felt that my grandmother had really touched his life.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     nothing.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     people who are close to death, do not look like themselves,
especially when talking about terminal illness.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     death was an individual experience that was not only positive but
also very emotional and spiritual.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     none.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     none
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     Good, no unresolved issues.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I love you.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     no visions, just feelings and actions that are very reflective of
the deceased.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     not sure

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     My time will come, I'm not worried about it.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     for me, death is a part of life and each person has an appointed
time to die.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I carry so much of my grandmother's spirit with me and I can
constantly feel her.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     none

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 
     I've never had a problem dealing with death
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     sometimes wish people would have offered less advice.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     didn't bother me because I really have dealt very well with death.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     none

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Jan 29 20:22:11 1999
F26 in Fairfax, Va =USA=
Name: Evelyn
Email: <evpeters-at-erols.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  Typed in "On Death and Dying" in Yahoo search engine

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Prof/Studies: Peters
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More personal info: 
     Appreciate what you have.  Live each day as if it is your last.
 
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	The Mourning Handbook
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Helen Fitzgerald
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father,  2 Weeks ago.
Cause of Death: massive heart attack;   Aged: 55.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     like losing part of yourself.  Death is also a part of life.
You live to die.  But when the person who has died is very close
to you, it hurts like hell.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was sad.  Although I didn't cry for another two weeks after my
paternal grandfather died.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was... I was about 6 yrs. old and my paternal
	grandfather died of lung cancer.  I don't remember him too well
	so I didn't grieve over his death.  My second experience of
	death was when my maternal grandfather died of a brain aneurysm.
	I was about 13 when he passed away.  I remember his death more than
	my paternal grandfather's death.  My third experience of death
	was when my boyfriend's mother died of cancer.  We were very close
	and it was hard to lose her after an eight-year friendship.  The
	MOST RECENT death I've had to deal with is my father's.  He died
	on January 16, 1999.  The answers to all of the questions in this
	questionnaire will be based upon my father's death.  He died suddenly
	of a massive heart attack.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the state of disbelief and shock I felt.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that more people need to be cremated.  There is not enough room
in cemetaries to hold all the bodies.  I feel that the body is a
shell for your spirit and when you die, your spirit leaves your body.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the close relationship my father and I had.  His love for me was
unconditional.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     talking to others about what their experiences with death have been.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     when I get married, my father will not be able to walk me down
the aisle.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     be a good listener.
 
--[My Father's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     value and appreciate life.  And that life is too short to hold
grudges, etc.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I don't understand this question.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I wouldn't have laughed.  There was nothing to laugh about.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     bear grandchildren for my father while he was still alive.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     have Dad spend his last night with me, in my new apartment.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     people took the time to send their condolences and lend a listening
ear.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     offering to help me out with anything I may need.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I realize that only a short time ago (two weeks), Dad was laughing
with me.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     My father was my best friend.  Nothing would be different if Dad
were still alive.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     he was too young to die.  He was cheated out of living a longer life.
Dad was only 55.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     die just to be with him.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried and cried.  And am still crying.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     support.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     not applicable
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     not applicable
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Methodist
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     as if there is a Higher Power.  The soul lives your body once
you die.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     not applicable
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     how well-attended it was.  And how beautiful the service was.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     how I hoped this would all be a joke Dad was playing on us.
He would return one day telling us how gullible we were to fall
for his sick joke.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     not applicable.  However, one should take better care of him/herself.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     I am still in the grieving process.  Hold onto to what you shared
with the person who died.  Hold onto the memories you have of
that person.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     not applicable
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     This has yet to happen to me.  No one close to me has told me that
they have had a near-death exprience.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     The only unresolved "issue" that I have with Dad, is that I don't
have him to walk me down the aisle when I get married.  I could
always have a friend walk me down the aisle -- but it's not the
same as having Dad be the one to "give his only daughter away."

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would tell my Dad how much I love him and appreciate everything
he has done for me.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Even though my father had only been dead for a few hours, I felt
his presence.  I thought I heard him coughing, then laughing.  I know
he was in the room with me.  I could feel him watching over me.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     Respect the dying person's wishes.  No matter how much you don't
agree with that person, respect what they believe in and what
they've requested.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     The only thing I could say about my own death is -- make it a fast
one.  If I am ill, I don't want to prolong the pain and suffering.
Ultimately, I would like to die in my sleep.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     When my father died, I held his hand for what seemed to be an
eternity.  I also put a sweater over him when I thought he was
getting cold.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     There has not been a single day that has gone by that I haven't
thought about my father.  I don't really have any rituals perse,
but I do think about Dad frequently.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     not applicable -- no one could replace my father.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Memories to hold 
     I was best friends with my father; therefore, I had wonderful
memories of him. :-)


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Guilt 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     Many people have reached out to me in this difficult time.  I need
most to have a person who is a good listener.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I felt that this questionnaire is very beneficial for me.  It brought
back a lot of the initial feelings I had when Dad died.  I would
recommend this questionnaire highly to anyone who has suffered the
loss of a loved one.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     I wasn't sure about the wording in the "the point in death process
when I was most confused..."  What exactly was this question asking?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Jan 29 13:06:25 1999
F22 in Rochester, NY =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 yrs,3mth ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 70's.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     passing from this world to Heaven to watch over our loved ones left
on Earth

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was so young that it hardly had an impact on me

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my mother's aunt died when I was about 7 and
	my father told me.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     that my parents did not let me know my Granfather was dying until 2
weeks before his death. Also, that my grandfather died only after
seeing all of his family members and that I was the last one he
had to see.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it is not final, you pass from one life to begin another.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     that I got to see my whole family and have a family portrait taken.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     focusing on my schoolwork.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     not knowing he was dying until it was too late to tell him how
I felt.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     don't be afraid to cry around them. They know, as you do, that they
will leave you soon and that you will miss them.
 
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     laughing is good because it helps you and others to remember the
good times.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     to talk with my Grandfather before he died. I saw him but he was
unable to realize I was there.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     keep a sense of humor and go on.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     my cousin's toddler son climbed a ladder because it made us realize
that we still had people who depended on us and we had to go on.
 
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I never got to say goodbye.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     stay in bed and never get out.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried.

--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     they were a big help.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Episcopalian
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     everyone would tell my Grandmother how to spend her money.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     seeing my Grandfather laying in the casket.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     suddenly getting better right before death.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I do not know if he experienced any.
 
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I Love You

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     If you want your death or funeral to be a certain way make sure
that your loved ones know and that they will carry out your wishes.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I know it is inevitable but I cannot worry about it. I simply
try to live my life the best way I know how and find happiness,
because without that we are already dead.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I sit by the water and tell the person all the things that I had
always wanted to and never did.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     My Granfather was very religious and always went to church. In his
memory, and to help me to deal better, I now attend.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Distractions 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I found that a lot of the questions were hard to understand, but
it did make me realize that I think on a more spiritual level than
I thought

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Jan 29 10:03:38 1999
Anonymous Guest F19 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 mon ago.
Aged: 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Still has not  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Avoiding Everything 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Jan 29 04:53:18 1999
F33 in Larissa,  =Greece=
Name: V. Papadimitriou
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: teacher/ student
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     address: 65 Karditsis Str.  41334   LARISSA - GREECE I would be
glad to receive your comments.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end of our existence

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     stayed calm, i think

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
      revelation of my true feelings towards certain people

--What I think my (Greece) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that Death should be treated as the end of our existence -even
though it may not be so- and so, help us to live every moment here,
on earth, showing compassion towards the others and "living" every
single moment with all our senses

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     insight, understanding how trivial some things are

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     accepting the reality, adapting to it, not avoiding it.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     feeling it was unfair
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     staying calm and transmitting the calmness and all kinds of gentle
and loving feelings
 
--[My pet's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     learnt that there are always many creatures around us that can
offer us love and so can we.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I found out what had happened

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     it was completely normal, a reaction of the affect
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     i don't think I would change anything. It's not that I am perfect,
it's just that our lives are like a flow, everything comes after
something else.  Every moment is the resultant of all the previous
ones.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     grasp the feelings and embrace them
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I heard the wonderful verses of the funereal mass
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     the typical procedures of the funeral

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     was depressed

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Jan 28 13:09:48 1999
F16 in ,  =UK=
Email: <zomi1-at-yahoo.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  yahoo
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 9 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: i don't know;   Aged: 28.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     leaving this life and going on to another level of being.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was confused. i didn't understand it and no one bothered to explain,
i still don't understand it.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my aunty died, i was quite close to her,
	i was never told what really caused her death

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     how it hit me more than i expected it to.

--What I think my (uk) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that people deal with it in different ways, they don't have a choice
in how it affects them.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     having time to myself to think about it
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     not knowing what happened and not understanding death
  
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     the day i found out

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     find out what had happened

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     she would have been a big influence in my life. i would have spent a
lot of time with her and i would be a stronger person thanks to her.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     speak to her and get the truth about everything, instead of hearing
all the crap everyone else comes out with. i wish i had got to know
her better.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     not a lot
 
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     i'd talk to her about my life now, and find out what she thinks
about me. i'd like to know if she is proud of what i've acomplished.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     i wonder if i'd be missed i sometimes see death as a way out if
things ever got too difficult, it scares me that i will die, but i
have learnt to control this fear of death.  if i knew i was going
to die i'd stay around people who make me happy, i'd say things
i've alwaqys wanted to, and i'd live life to the full.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     talking to my sister about it

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Memories to hold 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Family's Insensitivities 
     they have never told me what caused her death
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     someone talking to me about death would've helped, what i thought
about it, why i thought these things, other peoples attitudes. if
i'd been told what had happened and had the chance to share my
thoughts and feelings.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     that i still am grieving for my aunt and i need to talk about it
because i'm never going to be able to let her go until i find out
about her death, and my attitude to it

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Jan 27 18:23:56 1999
F22 in Aberdeen, Grampian =Scotland=
Name: Ruiran
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: PhD student
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	A Grief Observed
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	CS Lewis
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend,  4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident;   Aged: 18.

--Details: 
     He skidded to avoid something on the road and hit another car
killing four members of a family and leaving the only survivor,
a child, with permanent brain damage

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end, of everything, but not the end also a new beginning

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     really had pretty much no idea what was going on

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my uncle who lived with my family and I died
	of cancer when I was 3

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     absolute hoplessness and guilt

--What I think my (Scotland) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     it happens to everyone and therefore needs to be accepted as as
much a part of life as birth or losing your baby teeth

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     my friend sitting for hours and days hugging me and holding me -
the ultimate closeness after the ultimate tragedy

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     battering the hell out of cushions, pillows, walls, trees and any
other inanimate object within a ten mile radius.  Walking on the
beach throwing stones VERY heavily into the water
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the guilt - he was tired having driven 8 hours home from seeing
me at university.  If I'd told him to go sooner he and the other
family would still be alive
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     let them know and feel what youthink.  Nothing is worse than the
traditional British stiff upper lip.
 
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     did get over it.  It's a long time ago now and although I miss
him deeply every single day it is possible to pick up the pieces -
to make a life for yourself as a person not a symbiot

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     nobody knew what was going on and gossip was flying everywhere

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     it's natural - disbelief causes laughter.  I've seen it so often
and I've done it myself so often.  I giggled for ages when princess
Di died - life is so much easier if you can use laughter, often
completely inappropriately to relieve tension
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     go to the funeral.  I had no phone and nobody could contact me until
after the funeral.  I arranged a memorial service at our home town,
which we had both left, and that relieved some of the pent up hurt

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     experience this fearsome pit and miry clay and to appreciate the
rock on which my feet stand now for the vast majority of my time
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I heard our song (nauseatingly romantic I know) for the first time
over a shop sound system.  I realised that I couldn't preserve
every aspect of our lives for ourselves.  Others had rights over
his memory and rights to my responses to them.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     Visiting the grave.  I have never been and do'nt intend to go in
the near future.  A hole in the ground doesn't represent anything
about who he was as a person and what he was to me - my north,
my south, my east, my west, my working week, my Sunday rest

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I answer questionnaires on it in the internet!  Bizarre random
moments when thoughts and forgotten moments squeeze themselves into
my memory

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     We would be married by now.  We agreed to marry on my 21st birthday.
Maybe with children.  I so wanted him to father my babies he would
have been such a perfect daddy.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     look at the Nazi war criminals in Argentina.  They're evil, sick,
sadistic OLD bastards and my friend was 18.  Thats no length of
fucking life.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     scream.  Living in the city I don't get much opportunity just to
scream and let every single postule of anger, fear and desperation
out.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     shook for about two hours and then cried more tears and screamed
my anger at a God who suddenly no longer existed

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     Prozac - the answer to many prayers!
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     an entire system of life.  Now a loss of that ultimate closeness
found in sex with someone you truly love with your whole being -
no sex before marriage is nonsense.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Very strict Calvanist presbyterian church
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     a connection.  Every other person on this planet is going to die.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     His mother and I fought over it.  I wanted her to have it and she
wanted me to have it.  In the end we gave everything he had owned
except his signet ring to a charity helping with brain damaged
children
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     Not at the funeral but at the memorial service was the feeling
of utter desolation and aloneness.  Everyone looking at me -
My friend & I had become irretrievably split.  I felt I was being
bored into by hundreds of pairs of eyes.  I wanted to scream and
shout and instead a wept discreetly into a hankerchief.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     The dreams.  Dreaming he'd only be hurt and not died, dreaming about
holding him, dreaming about the smell of his hair, the smell of him.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     forgetting about guilt took almost two years,
 once I got over that paralysis I could mourn properly.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     none
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I wish dearly that I could speak to the relatives of the other
people that died. To tell them how much I understood what they
were feeling.  And to know that if deep down they blamed my friend as
I feel that sometimes I do

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     Just the absolute enormity of my love for him and how I wish I
could look into his eyes and take the pain away

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     dreaming he was holding me, loving me stroking my hair, crying with
me for himself and for the loss of us.  dreaming he was holding my
hand teasing me talking to me laughing with me. No supernatural
visitations I'm afraid just wishful fucking thinking

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     Whenever, wherever however - it's the only certainty I have to look
forward to.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     Talking to him in the morning when I first woke up, and at night
when I fell asleep.  And screaming horrendous abuse at him for his
audacity to die on me

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I still talk to him when I lie in bed at night - I tell him about
my day, tell him jokes tell him whats worrying me

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     We had a mutual friend who became the closest person in the world
to me and still is.  We've built our own friendship from the ashes
of the relationship between the three of us that used to exist.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Talking to People 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Lack of Awareness 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I've been able to reach out to others but without managing to
keep a reasonable distance - I can't cope with my grief when the
inevitable happens and I can't cope with their pain.  I can be the
closest person in the world up to the point of the funeral and then
i fuck off and leave them to it - I'm a heartless bitch

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It was useful.  For a long time when I thougfht of my friend, the
first thing I thought of was the manner of his death, now I think
of the manner of his life.  I need to think more about his death -
not in a mad destructive way but in a creative inspiring way.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Jan 27 06:38:50 1999
F26 in yokneam, israel ==
Name: liat
Email: <lrosel-at-pundit.haifa.ac.il>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: student of educating counselor
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother,  12 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: disease;   Aged: 82.

--Details: 
     my grandfather was very sick - we didn't know that he was so sick

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     black

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     i was 19 years old

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...from an oldage

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     a lot of crying and guilt

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     howto recover

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     i dont think so

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     myself and my brother
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the funeral
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     let him be sad
 
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     get back to the university and continue wuith my studies

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     my guilt feelings

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     it was very strange to the people around me
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     tell her i'm sorry

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     cry
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     my fatherread the 'kadish'
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     the meal after the funeral

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     i dont know what is going to happen

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     i cant imagine it

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     i hate the doctors!

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     be disappear
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     my feers from death get strongest

--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     i could'nt see it
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     a good place to cry for help
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     jewish
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     my father and his sister (my uncle) will decide what to do with
the money.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     all the family were together.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     the colour of the face

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     accourd in my dreams
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     i'm still angry with my grandmother about some issues. i don't
think i'm ready to resolve it.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     to hear from her that she is sorry.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     that i like a lot of people.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     i dont afraid of dying!

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     my coping ritual was to light on friday a candle to the memory of
my grandmother.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     no

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     no. the opposit had occourd:my best freind didn't was there for me.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Guilt 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     to be with me

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     it was a ventalation factor

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Jan 27 05:49:13 1999
Anonymous Guest  in Israel
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 12 yrs ago.
Aged: 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...from an old age

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Friends' Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Guilt 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jan 26, 1999
M in Glendale , Arizona =US=
Name: John McMurray
Email: <polearm-at-starlink.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Prof/Studies: English and Psychology
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, unknown ago.
Cause of Death: age;   Aged: unknown.

--Details: 
     I don't remember the details of her death but I do remember walking
by the casket and seeing her from the waist up.  It must have meant
something if I still remember it after this long.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     is a cycle that has been a custom for our species since time
immemorial, and it is an accepted lot in life.  Some people take
death with weeping and some celebrate because they feel their kin
has passed on to a better life.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     I have not witnessed a death but I have observed a dead body in
a casket.  I was too young at the time to express any feelings.
I might have asked my parents a few questions on the subject of
death but I do not remember.

--That first time, how it happened was
     It was just a funeral for my grandmother and I just walked by the
	casket and viewed her body as I passed.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     same as above.  If anyone in my immediate family died I would take
it much harder.

--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     Through my personal conviction there is a world greater than this
one beyond the grave.  The greivance might be temporary, but the
good times will always be remembered.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     That I have a good feeling when I will go to a better place when
I transcend death.  The passing through earth is just a short time
clock on an eternal clock just like a runner of the 50 yard dash.
Those 6 to 7 seconds spent running in the 24 hour time clock is like
my time on earth to the eternal time clock.  I believe it is a test
to see if one can steward what has been given them on earth, and
if one does not get it here they will not get it in the hereafter.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     cannot answer
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     N/A
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     What would they have done for you if you died?
 
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     It is unavoidable and must be dealt with from an early age to when
you are a crusty old person.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     N/A

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     N/A
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     N/A

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     N/A
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     Most people call on God to save them when they are in dire straights.
That would be a good study.  It would be a good descriptive
questionnaire or theory.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     N/A

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I usually think of a life set up for me beyond the grave.  Death is
like old luggage, you never get rid of it until it gets rid of you.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     N/A

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     to learn all of this information and to lose it in the end.  The dead
do not know how they had affected those they left and it would be
nice to know.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     N/A
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     N/A

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     N/A
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     N/A
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     The greatest support system offered to man.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     non-denominational
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     vague question, Spirit?  The Holy Spirit or the personal spirit.
If your referring to the personal spirit, it transcends good and
evil that may have corrupted the body.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     When it comes down to any issue of money our family is not concerned
with that; we are too close to let money cause dissention.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     N/A

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     N/A

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     An older age.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     N/A
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I know nothing of the metaphysical as it would be applied to my
relatives.  I have know knowledge of any occurance.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     N/A
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     Maybe grudges should be tied and forgiven and forgotten with life's
closure on the horizon.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would like him/her to tell me they will see me later.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     N/A

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     N/A

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     You cannot ask a question that there is no possible answer, to be
your own harbinger is not possible.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     N/A But seek some source of "higher power" as a coping mechanism
or as an adequete faith.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     N/A

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     N/A

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Lack of Awareness 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Lack of Awareness 
     My parents did not stress death when I was younger.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     N/A


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     The questionnaire would be good if it applied to me.  The death
I remember was not a rememberable experience--it had no impact.
Closeness and awareness makes a difference.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     I made my comment on a couple of them.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jan 26 09:50:14 1999
F58 in Whitehall, PA =USA=
Email: <mcleibich-at-enter.net>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: W/DCO,USPS-S/English Major
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     It is all right to post my email address.  Perhaps someone would
just like to talk about their hurtful experience.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister,  3 years ago.
Cause of Death: ovarian cancer;   Aged: 56.

--Details: 
     My sister died 1 1/2 years after my father and 10 months before
my mother.  Why her death is so significant is because she was my
only sibling and only 10 months older than I am.  I expected my
elderly parents to die, but not my sister.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     a passing from the physical to the spiritual life.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...My uncle, and godfather, died quite suddenly.
	He had never been sick to the best of my knowledge.  He was only
	45 years old.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the estrangement between my niece and nephews and me.  I remind
them too much of my sister.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it is not something to be feared.  It is something we will
all experience.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the music.  My sister had a beautiful singing voice, and the music
played at her funeral was largely that which she had sung.  Also,
her grandchildren became close to me.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my firm belief in eternal life.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the sense of loss.  She may be looking down on me, but I cannot
get in touch with her.
  
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     be near her at her death, to be able to hug her and let her know
how much I loved her.  We lived 3000 miles apart.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     be there for my brother-in-law and the children.
 
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would be doing what I am doing.  I made my sister a promise,
and I will keep it.  She encouraged me to follow this path, and
that would not have changed had she lived.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     to take someone so lovely and loving, so good a person, with so
much to live for.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     pick up the telephone and talk to her.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     became depressed.

--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     Since I was so far away, I had no experience.  However, her family
has extolled the benefits and the help of the hospice.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Roman Catholic
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     unreal.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     I had no experience with this death.  However, I had all of the
money transactions on my husband's death many years ago.  Insurance
companies and the funeral parlor made all things go smoothly.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     my sister's wish to have an old-fashioned Irish wake after the
funeral.  It was beautiful, and it gave us all a chance to let our
feelings free.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     the vision that comes to mind of my sister sitting in a rocking
chair in heaven, holding the granddaughter who was still born.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I have none with my sister.  However, my husband died in his sleep
with a smile on his face.  My first reaction was to think "Jesus
came and Harry went."
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I have no unresolved issues with my sister.  I loved her very much,
and she was a wonderful person.  She was always there for me from
the time we were little until the time she could not be there for
me anymore.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     That I loved her very much and was praying for her every day.
Since I believe she knew this anyway, the only help it would be to
me would be the fact that I actually said it.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I often dreamed of my husband after his death.  I have not done so
in several years until two days ago.  My daughter dreamed of him,
also, and could have sworn he was there with her.  I sometimes think
I hear my sister singing, and I even wrote a poem about it called
"The Sound of Silence."

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I do not want to be kept alive by machines.  I want to go when God
wants me to go, not when man wants me to go.  It is important that
my family and doctor are aware of this.  I should have a "Living
Will" spelling it our.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     When my sister died, my sense of my own mortality became greater.
If I knew I were to die soon, I would make sure that all fences
were mended and I would then be at peace.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     What has helped me is the determination to keep the promise I made
to my sister.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I liked the questionnaire, but it did not really make me rethink
my feelings about death and dying.  I have been aware of these
feelings for quite a while.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jan 26 04:46:17 1999
F15 in cypress, CA =US=
Name: bernadette roca
Email: <xinqing-at-hotmail.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: suicide;   Aged: 36.

--Details: 
     it was winter

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when the human body doesn't work anymore, and then it decomposes.
but the spirit lives forever

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was too young to know what it was.  the significant first was my
uncle, from leukemia.  i was in a state of loneliness and detchement
for a while, and i was 11 years old.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my mother hung herself in the bathroom.
	it was disturbing

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     everyone told me to be stong for my grandparents - no one was there
to help me deal

--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that if a child commits suicide, it's not a disgrace to the fanily

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     that you learn to really appreciate what you've got, miss what
you don't, and move on with strength.  you get to teach others,
in a way, and help them.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     me.  my sister was of no avail, my grandparents were too distaught,
my uncle died around the same time, so my aunt was dealing with that,
so i was left with me.  me, and books, and music, and art, and God
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     never having a chance to fully express to my mother how much
i love her, and how thankful i am, and how much i am grateful.
i miss telling her everything, and having a mom.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     be yourself, and treat the other just as they are without the
disease.  reminders only make it harder for them.
 
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     rose above my mothers death, out of under her wings, and still am
learning today

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     i didn't understand why

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     its part of trying to see through the denial
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     tell her i love her so very much and shown  it

--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     grades.  everyone loves grades, and although i get a's and b's, i
don't care about them.  they are nothing to me - they don't determine
my worth, or where i'm headed, or any of that crap people say.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     sometihng little - seen, heard, smelled - appears.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     it would be so different, and my personality would not have developed
so fully nor strongly.  in a way, i am thankful for everything,
b/c i do not think i would like myself had all this not happened.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     run away to a far off land - anywhere but here
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt a deep pain ful emotion and physical pain

--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     i hated the hospitol, the look of it, the smell of it...
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     it was a place of support
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     christian
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     natural - i knew this before death entereed my life
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     i was forced to keep emotions down, and this was a funeral

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     you just need to take time, and let it out - to a person, to GOd,
to whatever.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     i feel comfortanle, yet i still would have liked to have my last
goodbye

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     about my death - i think i will die by 30.  it's just a feeling,
but my feelings are usually dependable.  not to say that i am
suicidal, of course.  i do not fear death anymore - it has almost
become a daily thing.  it is.  i simply feel that my death will
not be significant to anyone, really, but i neither want to die,
nor want to live.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     i feel that these relationships are established at anytime after
the death - not just right after.  yes, i have established and
continue to establish, close relationships b/c of this

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Friends' Sensitivities 
     i relied mostly on myself and developed strength


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Upbringing 
     it was my mother - what do ya expect?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jan 26 04:45:52 1999 
F15 in cypress, CA =US= 
Name: bernadette roca
Email: <xinqing-at-hotmail.com>
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: student
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: suicide;   Aged: 36.

--Details: 
     it was winter

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when the human body doesn't work anymore, and then it decomposes.
but the spirit lives forever

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was too young to know what it was.  the significant first was my
uncle, from leukemia.  i was in a state of loneliness and detchement
for a while, and i was 11 years old.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my mother hung herself in the bathroom.
	it was disturbing

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     everyone told me to be stong for my grandparents - no one was there
to help me deal

--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that if a child commits suicide, it's not a disgrace to the fanily

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     that you learn to really appreciate what you've got, miss what
you don't, and move on with strength.  you get to teach others,
in a way, and help them.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     me.  my sister was of no avail, my grandparents were too distaught,
my uncle died around the same time, so my aunt was dealing with that,
so i was left with me.  me, and books, and music, and art, and God
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     never having a chance to fully express to my mother how much
i love her, and how thankful i am, and how much i am grateful.
i miss telling her everything, and having a mom.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     be yourself, and treat the other just as they are without the
disease.  reminders only make it harder for them.
 
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     rose above my mothers death, out of under her wings, and still am
learning today

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     i didn't understand why

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     its part of trying to see through the denial
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     tell her i love her so very much and shown  it

--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     grades.  everyone loves grades, and although i get a's and b's, i
don't care about them.  they are nothing to me - they don't determine
my worth, or where i'm headed, or any of that crap people say.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     sometihng little - seen, heard, smelled - appears.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     it would be so different, and my personality would not have developed
so fully nor strongly.  in a way, i am thankful for everything,
b/c i do not think i would like myself had all this not happened.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     run away to a far off land - anywhere but here
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt a deep pain ful emotion and physical pain

--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     i hated the hospitol, the look of it, the smell of it...
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     it was a place of support
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     christian
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     natural - i knew this before death entereed my life
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     i was forced to keep emotions down, and this was a funeral

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     you just need to take time, and let it out - to a person, to GOd,
to whatever.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     i feel comfortanle, yet i still would have liked to have my last
goodbye

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     about my death - i think i will die by 30.  it's just a feeling,
but my feelings are usually dependable.  not to say that i am
suicidal, of course.  i do not fear death anymore - it has almost
become a daily thing.  it is.  i simply feel that my death will
not be significant to anyone, really, but i neither want to die,
nor want to live.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     i feel that these relationships are established at anytime after
the death - not just right after.  yes, i have established and
continue to establish, close relationships b/c of this

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Friends' Sensitivities 
     i relied mostly on myself and developed strength


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Upbringing 
     it was my mother - what do ya expect?
 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jan 26 03:53:50 1999
F21 in Vienna, Austria ==
Email: <doria_black-at-yahoo.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father,  1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack;   Aged: 51.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was not prepared

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...My father had a heart-attack.After a few
	minutes he was dead.My mother and I tried to help him but there
	was no chance.It happened at 2.00 at night and he had to lay in
	the sleeping room nearly 12 hours

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     when my fathers face turned from purple into white and my mother
said:He already looks better,right? I thought by myself:You must
be kidding-he is dead.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It has no reason. It just happens to everybody.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     I know I can rely on my inner voice

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     a strong will to keep going thinking drawing
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     being totally on my own-my mother was not able to give me any
support and my friends left me
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     -
 
--[My Father's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Maybe you think you will never feel happy again or that you can`t
take it, but that`s not true. You will take it because you have
no choice and after some time you will also be able to laugh. Just
be patient and give yourself a chance.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     my mother behaved like a little child

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     -
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     be more understanding to my mother

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     trust in myself to be strong
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     -
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     -

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     -

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would not be that free and independent

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     why always me,ive already enough to deal with

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     leave
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     heard the voice of my inner self which told me what to do. So I
didnt feel alone any more. There was something I could rely upon.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     lonelyness
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     -
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     nothing
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     none/none
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     -
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     My father didn`t receive money for his work 2 months before his
death.After he died there were a lot of costs and we had to wait for
the money from the insurance.It was quite close and nobody helped us.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     the unpersonal speach of the priest. I`ll bet he uses it at every
funeral.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     If I had the power I would not make him live again.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     -

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     fear-rage-hate-forgiveness
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     are wishfull thinking
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     -
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     none

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     Why did you do this to me?

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Once I dreamed that he just came back as if death was like a
disease which can be fought. I tould him to take care of himself
better after this. I also dreamed of my own death.I saw my face
and I had the same dead eyes and I fell to the ground.A few seconds
later I realised that I was not dead.So I stood up and looked into
the mirror.I looked at my face and suddenly I saw a worm coming
out of my forehead. Then I woke up.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     none

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     The only thing I fear is leaving too many things undone,having not
complete my mission,having not reached my goals.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I tried to express my feelings by drawing to understand myself
better.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     -

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I lost all my friends

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Adult  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Rage 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Friends' Insensitivities 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     having someone strong to rely upon

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jan 26 02:38:46 1999
M24 in hagerstown, md =washington=
Name: dennis Lushbaugh
Email: <lushbaugh-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: US ARMY, Nurse
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	sepulture
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 21yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Fan blade;   Aged: 2 mo..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     The end of the natural world, and the begining of a new life.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     It left me lonesome and sad.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My Kittens was in the engine block when the car was started and
	guts flew out all over me!!!!

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     The time i should have spent w/ this person.

--What I think my (washington) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     Just a phase and not the end of the world.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     Ends the pain and Suffering of life.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Family/books.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Not having them around.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     ?
 
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Sent time w/ family and friends as much as possable.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     The suffering for years when there is no hope for life.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     ?
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Talked w/ them before death.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     ?
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     Morning over the death, then saying the pain is over.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     the decesed belongings.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     i have to remember. or talked about.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     more fulfilling.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     i didnt happen sooner to end the pain and suffering.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     go back in time.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt cheated.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     There is only so much they could do.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     ?
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     nothing
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     ?
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     its different for everyone
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     it was hard to deal with the cost of the funeral.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     some where happy it was over and some were wishing it never happened

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     acceptance

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     needing an in house nurse

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     ?
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     yes
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     during my moms surgery they lost her for about 2 min. and she said
she could feel it
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     Parents

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     that they would say that they where ready to go and live a very
fulfilling life

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     during a dream i am always at my grandmothers house with her at
the top of the stairs wanting me to come up from the bottom of them
to her

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     do a will

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     no one can prepare them selves for there own death even it they
say they are ready for it and not scared.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     going to the funeral and touching the body and saing how much you
love them and they will always be in your thoughts

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     ?

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     was little when it happened

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Crying and Crying 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Books I read 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     never able to


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     sad and remember the good time i had with the person before they
died.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     all are good

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Jan 25 02:38:47 1999
F21 in , CA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Music Composition major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 1/2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: illness;   Aged: 70 something.

--Details: 
     i lived with my grandmother for a while and I had been very close
to her.  She had been ill for a very long tim, but it still surprised
me when it happened.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when we are done with being here.  It is what appens when we have
fulfilled our purpose.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     became a six year old mother.  I explained to my 2 and 4 year old
brothers that mommy was not coming back.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my mother died when I was 6 years old.
	My father took us to the park to tell us and he told us that when we
	say our prayers at night, and we say "Now I lay me down to sleep,
	i pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die befire I wake,
	I pray the Lord my soul to take," that someimes God does that,
	and that while we were sleeping, our mom's soul had been taken
	by God.  He didn't tell us any more than that then, and my little
	brothers and I took it as he said.  It turned out that my mother
	really didn't die peacefully.  She was murdered.  My father is in
	prison for the murder, but I don't think that he did it.  He has
	maintained his innocence this whole time.  I am now 21 years old
	and I am ralizing more and more every day how much this one event
	in my childhood has shaped my life.  i used to think that i was
	ok and that I was over it, but I was only hiding behind things.
	I have developed into a full fledged alcoholic.  I have 24 days
	of sobriety now, and I am starting to see that I really was only
	pretending to have control of my life.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the guilt that i felt.  I knew that my grandmother was dying, but I
still neglected to write or to call her.  And I am still neglecting
other family members that are up in years.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that Death is not the time to be feeling guilty, but instead should
be a time for remembering all of the happy times.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     that my grandfather got himself into shape and kept on living.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Alcohol.  I drank to forget my guilt.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     (this one I am going to answer in terms of my mother's death)that
I had no way of explining it, and that i still have no way of
explaining.  I feel so much anger and rage and bitterness to the
people that did this to my mother, but I can't do anything about
it because I don't know who they are.
  
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     used all of the wrong ways to deal with things.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     my psychologist, when I was about 10, showed me all of the newspaper
articles that had anything to do with my mothers death.

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Know my mother.  I wish I could have asked her about when she
got her first period, how she knew she was in love with my dad,
how she knew what she wanted out of life.  I wish I could have had
her teach me more.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Have family that took care of my brothers and me.  We lived with
my grandparents for a little while, and then there was a custody
battle and we went to live with our aunt and uncle.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     A man from church gave me a white handkercheif when I was crying.
i held on to that hndkercheif for years.  i really don't know where
it i now, but for a long time, I would get it out every time I was
wallowing in self pity.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     Just last night, a friend of mine (who has been an important
person in my life lately) were looking at some old pictures that
I had pulled out of my closet.  Going through those pictures
brought back memories for me, and he shared a lot of memories of
his childhood,and I realized that I really never knew my mother.
And that makes me sad.  I sometimes feel that my family puts her
up on a pedastal, and that is really hard for me because I am not
at all living up to who she was.  I wish I could have seen what
traits I got form her, and I wish I could have known more from her.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     This is hard to think about.  Who knows?  I think that I would be
a lot less interesting of a person if I had lived a perfect life,
but who knows?

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     Of course, I always think that.  Why me?  Isn't that what
everyone asks?  The society we live in tells us to blame others
for our problems.  If someone does something, we blame it on their
rough childhood.  But even knowing that i am being selfish and that
everyone has their problems, I still get the "It's not fairs".
Why couldn't I have the perfect life that my friends in high
school had?

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     end it all.  I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore, but in Junior
High and high school, I did.  And every once in a while, I still
get them.  Why can't I go to where she is?  If heaven is such a
great place, why can't I go there now?  But then I think about how
much potential I have, and that I have not served my purpose here,
so I am not ready to go.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     I think that one of the times that I really realized that my mother
was gone and there was no coming back was leading up to mother's
day one year in elementary school.  The arts and crafts activity
was some mother's day present for our mothers.  i remember i threw
a fit and cried and refused to participate.

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     My dad and grandfather were pasters, so I guess that church played
a big part.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Past- Lutheran   current: Searching
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     that I was pampered and everyone felt sorry for me and my dad and
my brothers

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     When we picked out the dress she was going to wear.  My mom had just
gotten a new dress and my dad asked me hich one she should wear in
the funeral and that is the one we decided on, but then we had to
pick a different one because she was too messed up to be wearing
anything lowcut or without sleeves.  Again, I was only 6 years old.
And i wonder why I am so messed up today.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I don't remember ever having any dreams about my mother.  I relly
don't even remember her.  But I used to pray through her.  I would
ask her to tell things to God for me.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I am working on my recovery now more than ever.  I have been sober
for 24 days, and that alcoholic haze is beginning to thin a little.
I am going to AA meetings and talking to good friends, and just
letting things out.  Things like this survey are really ways that
I let out my feelings so I can let go.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I used to want to die.  Now, i think that there is a little more
purpose to living.  I am lucky to be alive today.  I should have
been in a million drunk driving accidents, but somone was watching
over me.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     Well, like I said, I used to pray through my mom.  I would, for
hours on end, talk to her.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Alcohol 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Alcohol 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     This was really thereputic.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Jan 24 22:48:01 1999
F17 in denver, colorado =usa=
Email: <LaLu777-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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More personal info: 
     I have been through a lot of death in my life.   Some of my answeres
relflected on other people  besides my uncle.
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle,  4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Massive Heart Attack;   Aged: 46.

--Details: 
     All 4 arteries were clogged and the doctor didn't know all 4 were
clogged.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     When a persons body dies out, they are not living anymore.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     Didn't really know what to think of it.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...it was my mother's friend who had died.
	I don't even remember how she died.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     It changed the way our family was.

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     That we go onto a greater place.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     That I had the people who had died in my life before they died.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Praying to God
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Trying to actually conceive the concept that they weren't here
anymore.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Just be there to hold them and tell them everything you ever wanted
to tell them.
 
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Just took it day by day

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I first heard about it.

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Tell him that I loved him.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Forgive myself
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I thought about the good times we had
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     How much we didn't get along

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I see something that reminds me of him.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     We would get along, have more fun times.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I didn't understand why

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     Talk to him one more time.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     I realized that it really does happen.  Now I make every day count.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     Doctors do make mistakes
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Didn't really attend church, but I am a faithful person to God.
I think God helped me the most.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Christian
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     His wife and kids had to move in with her parents.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     We all got together to say a one last goodbye

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     Thinking that he would come back as a spirit and talk to me

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     When the person asks to see people that they haven't seen for a
long time.  When the person starts doing little things that need
to be done.  Just so there is like...no unfinished business.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     I cried
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     None that I know of w/ my uncle, but my grandfather did.  Claimed to
see the light
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     I have heard many stories.  Some of them from very close friends
and some from very close family members.  My family and friends
are strong believers in God.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I felt very guilty because I hated him.  I just talked with my mom
and other friends.  That helped me out a lot.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would love to talk about the old days...how we got along.  I would
like to tell him that I do love him.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I remember my grandfather would blast his television so loud.
He had his t.v. on all day long.  After his death My friends and
I were home alone.  We were watching a movie and decided to go
play basketball instead.  So I turned the t.v. off and took the
tape out of the vcr.  We go outside and couldn't find the ball so
I went back in to look for it.  Well, I went into the family room
and the t.v. was on and the tape was playing.  Other things have
happened also.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     To always let people know how you feel about them.  What you think
about them.  And to reassure them that you will be ok and you
wouldn't want to see them live their lives just missing you.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I wouldn't want to know when I'm going to die. I'm just living my
life and trying to enjoy it.  I do enjoy it.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I listened to music

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I always have the radio on, it gives me some kind of peace  of mind
I guess.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     not really

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    -none- 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It was a good survey.

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Sun Jan 24 21:37:43 1999
Anonymous Guest  in Australia
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: suicide;   Aged: 16.

--Details: 
     Jumped in front of train while drunk

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     where individuals cease to exist.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried a little.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My uncle died from a heart attack while playing golf.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     all these things that he had done, were now all gone.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it is a natural part of life, and nothing can change a death.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     needing to support others
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the pain of others
  
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 
     Strong persona

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Disbelief it could happen 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Jan 23 21:33:53 1999
F25 in , New york =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband,  6 months ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer;   Aged: 33.

--Details: 
     My husband suffered with a chronis illness called ulcerative colitis.
Apparently due to improper screening the colitis lead to his cancer.
It had reached stage four by the time of the diagnosis.  He lived
another six weeks.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     The loss of the physical and earth bound body.  Because our senses
are the means by which we enjoy life losing a loved one is extremely
traumatic.  You fell deep sadness at the fact that the "person"
you loved is longer longer a physical and earthly being.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     Was my granmpther's death at age 10.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was... My dad came home with my uncle from NJ and
	he said that Grandma was dead.  I was only 10.  I started crying. O
	cannot distihuish whether it was sadness over the loss or my idea
	that you are supposed to cry when someone dies

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     The complete shock and disbelief.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It should not be a taboo subject.  Avoiding the fact that someone
has died because one is unsure of what to say is very distressing
to the deceased loved ones.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     Every day that I spent with my husband.  No amount of sadness
could ever take away the joy od loving and being loved by such a
wonderful person.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Keeping a journal in which I write to my husband every night.
It reminds me that he is still with me- only in a different way now.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     The complete lonliness and feeling as though no one really had any
idea of how it feels
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     I rhink expressing your love is the most important and comforting
thing.  I hope I eased some of my husbands fears of death simply
by reassuring him that I loved him to no end.
 
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     can still carry on.  And our loved ones who leave us want us to go
on and keep living.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     The first month or two I was totally numb.  I had no understanding
of what had really occured.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     Not applicable
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Hold my husband

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     ** nothing comes to mind **
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     They continues to show support even when I was a very poor friend
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     ??

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I look at picture of Dominic when he was so happy

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I think the crucial thing is that I would still feel loved and
companionship.  Dominic would be able to talk to me and wash away
any doubts.  I don't have that luxury of hearing his consoling
words or feeling his arms around me to comfort me.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I wanted to know the purpose.  What was I supposed to learn from
this.  I realize now that we do learn things from death, but these
are not meant to be lessons per se.  that is to say that there is
bo rhyme or reason to why death occurs and who is chosen to go.
That's one of the reasons why it is so difficult to deal with.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     GO BACK IN TIME!!
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     Just cried and cried.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     Suspicion and Lack of Trust
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     We both had the label of being Catholics however neither of us
praticed.  We both believed in God and Heaven.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Cathloic Church
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     As though Dominic is still a part of me and my life.  I don't know
where or in what form he exists but I know he still takes care of me.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     My mother-in-law who said she would have given any amount of money to
help my husband and myself took all the insurance money.  My husband
and I were recently married and in the process of combinig all of
our assets.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
      It was in England as my husband is British.  The entire ceremony
 was cold and the attendees did not acknowledge me.  The British
 reserve was definitely an issue.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     Death- The man I was going to grow old with is no longer here.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     I don't know

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     Thinga were best for my husband and myself when our friends were
able to relax around Dominic and treat him as they always had
instead of getting uptight because he was so ill.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I don't know.  My in-;aws believe my husbands father was there to
greet him.  I have no clear beliefs about what occurs
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I understand practically that guilt serves bo purpose.  I know in
my heart and my husband knows the incredible loved I had for him.
I think that love and our understanding of each other has made me
able to continue on without holding onto past issues.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would say that I loved him with all of my heart and sou;.  I am
such a better person for having known and loved him.  I want to
thank him for taking the time and energy to love me and make me feel
like a worthwhile person. Doing this would help me by reassuring
Dominic that although I go on day to day my life has been changed
in a wonderful way simply by knowing him.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     On the morning of my husnamds death he came to me and kissed me
on the cheek.  Since then I have seen him in dreams and I have
had brief and infrequent conversations with him about his passing.
He explained that I could not understand death because I live in a
material world.  But where he is now there are no physical entities.
The strongest and most important bond is love.  therfore we will
forever be linked in spirit.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I would want people to remeber me as the woman who loved a wonderful
man with all of her heart.  My wish would probably be to let me go.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I haven't imagined it actually.  I know it would be devastating
to the ones I leave behind.  I think I would focus on my husband's
courage in the face of death and attempt to live up to his example.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     Keeping pictures of Dominic all around.  Writing to him in a journal
while looking at my favorite picture of him.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I think it's too soon to say

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     A close friend of my husband's who we had not been in touch with
came to offer unexpected support.  Feeling lonely and vunerable he
became a new focus which help to divert some of the attention from
the sadness I felt over the loss of my husband.  We both feel my
husband played a part in fostering our friendship.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Family's Insensitivities 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I tried to reach out to my in-laws.  It was hard to offer comfort
when I myself was so distraught.  However I feel that they should
have done a much better job at offering me support.

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It is wonderful to have the chance to express many of the feelings
surrounding the death of a loved one.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     Too tired to think anymore

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Jan 23 05:08:24 1999
F13 in Cheney, WA =USA=
Name: The Invincibl Swimming Gecko
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
  I was looking through Yahoo:Surveys and polls to see if anything
funny came up and the word death caught my attention. (I know I
sound like a phycho now....)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: student of boring 9th grade classes
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     Well, I think I'm from the planet Correlia, I know the entire
Star Wars Drinking Game by heart, I belong to the Cult Of Caffine,
and I know every detail about the rumors about resurecting Aeris
in Final Fantacy VII. I think that about sais it.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack;   Aged: 87.

--Details: 
     Not really.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end of everything. Some people believe that your...mind...goes
to another form of existance after you die.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     didn't know what to think.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My grandma died. I didn't know her too well, but I was still sad.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     everyone just avoided the subject, or acted like it hadn't really
hit them. (Accept her husband, who was REALLY sad.) I knew they
all missed her, but it was like noone could show it.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     life wasn't that important in the first place. I know I sound
like a suicidal maniac, but think about it. It doesn't ammount to
much. I believe you go somewhere alot better when you die. But in
this country, people believe all kinds of things.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     I dissagree with the question. (And I can't really think of
anything.)

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     religion.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     trying to figure out what I should feel.
  
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I first found out.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     Well, I'm sorry to dissapoint you, but I DID contain it.
 
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     deal with it. (Yeah, that's it. Were you expecting a novel of
some sort?)
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I start thinking about my own life and who's standards i have to
live up to.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     Things would probably be the same as they always had been. And that
question is a little off.... People think that if they were still
with  someone, they'de love them even more. But if they were still
together, the death never would have brought them any closer.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that the people who do die are always the least deserving.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     bring them back for a little while. (As apposed to preventing it
in the first place.)
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     It's not like it just hit me. It still doesn't seem real. I know
it is, and I know it has been, and it's not like I'm still waiting
for a miracle. It just never really hit.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     it was too late, but they tried.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     that she was somewhere better looking down on us.  And it seems
to me that although she's gone from us, she would prefer being
dead. I don't mean that she WANTED to be dead. But she was a good,
religious person, so she'd be in heaven. And how could you go to a
place like heaven and want to come back? Wouldn't you rather just
wait for people to join you? But in heaven, where time takes on a
whole new meaning, do you even HAVE to wait?
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     protestant
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     like a whole nother possibility. I've heard too many ideas about
death, and so many conflict. But I think it's all the same accept
for where you end up.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     other than cremation, it didn't seem to come up.
 
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     it didn't seem real.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I don't think anything paranormal happened. I don't think anyone
involved really believes in  things like that.
 
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     If I said c-ya or good luck or something, it might help close
things. And what I'd expect to hear from them? What REALLY happens
when you die?

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     If I think of anything, I'll put it in my will.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I'm ready. Dieing has more point than living. Life has no real
point. But if you die, you move on. And for all we know (I don't
believe this, but...), this is really just pre-life. Like some
training ground before the real thing.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 
     I didn't cry. I don't know why, I just didn't. It was weird. I
should have been flooded, but I didn't cry. I guess I just knew
she was in heaven and wasn't sad or something.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It got me to come up with  two more wacko theories. I don't know
if that's good or bad, but it happened.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     That was long enough that I don't think you skipped anything. :)
(Yes, I read it all.)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Jan 23 04:58:25 1999
F39 in San Antionio, Texas =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  Surfing Psychology - have lots of experience in this area and
got interested

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Prof/Studies: Counselor and Teacher
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Eliz. Kubler-Ross!!!
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 70.

--Details: 
     She battled cancer for 4 years.  She was in a coma the last three
days, but as she let out her last breath, she squeezed my hand
and I felt such a great rush of joy and awe and reunion that I
could do nothing but gasp. I felt her presence move out of our
dimension, very fast and very far, along with two other presences
that had been waiting for about 2-3 minutes. I can still feel her,
but only very faintly. Her death removed the last lingering fears
I had about it. Now I look forward to it as "going home," but only
after all of my work is done here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     A transition from one state of being to another, when we no longer
need this physical vehicle.  We will grow another vehicle eventually,
but we have learned all that we could in this one, and shed it,
as you would take off a coat.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was confused by it, but unafraid.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandmother (mom's) died.  I had an
	experience of seeing her sit up in her coffin and look at me.
	I was not sleeping.  When I asked my mother, she said, "Your
	grandmother passed the Sight to you.  You will understand when you
	are older." And I do.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     I stopped eating. My mother was my best friend and I still miss her.
My friends kept me from starving myself to death, but just barely.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     Stop being afraid of it, but understand that the grieving process
doesn't end after a few months. Get rid of the funerals and have
feasts of celebration instead.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     The rush of joy I felt from mother as she left her body.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     My good friends who stuck by me and made me want to go on.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Missing them (I lost 15 friends to AIDS in the 80's, then my
grandmother, brother, and mother all died within a two year
period. My father died too, but we weren't close). And the lack
of people who have to care because they are your family.  I had no
family and I felt a loss of foundation and identity.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Tell them all the things that you loved about them, forgive them
for anything they might feel guilty about, and tell them that you
love them.  Don't leave anything unsaid!
 
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Know that death is not the end of existence! She is still there, and
there is life beyond this one that is not to be feared, and you don't
have to belong to a church to attain it, attainment is garanteed.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     Mom was lapsing into a coma and wanted me close, but the doctors
and nurses bustled me away. It hurt both of us.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I didn't laugh.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Tell my mother honestly about my private life. I think she would
have understood.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Wrote my mother a letter a week before she died thanking her for all
of the wonderful awarenesses and spiritual gifts she had given me, as
well as how much I loved her. I KNEW I had to write it, and I never
write letters, but I'm eternally grateful that I wrote that one.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     Mom squeezed my hand at the moment she left. I think she was
saying goodby.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     How the body looked in the coffin.  She wasn't there, and I found
the comments of "she looks so good" really offensive!

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     People talk about there families who are still here, especially
when they are grumbling about something unimportant.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would be closer to her than ever, and she would enjoy the company
of her granddaughter and greatgrandaughter. I would never have
learned to take care of myself though, nor to rely on my own
judgement, so I guess it evens out.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     My mother had great dignity and grace in life, and when she died,
with all of the tubes and things, the fluid in her lungs rushed out.
I was aweful and I thought she deserved to have more dignity at
her passing. I think we all deserve that.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     Hug her. I can hear her sometimes, but I can't touch her, and
that hurts.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried and felt so much pain I didn't understand how I could
survive it.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     I dispise western medicine. The chemo destroyed her quality of life,
her social outlets, then it stole her dignity. While they were all
very formally nice, there was no spiritual support or respect for
her as a person.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     None.  We took care of her at home until the last 3 days.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Spiritual terrorism. However, I am a Priestess, so I took care of
the spiritual needs of my family. I had to throw out a couple of
priests of various christian cults who wanted to terrorize us with
hell. I do not belive in hell, and neither did my mother. They were
offensive, and I resented their intrusion.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     I am a Native Shaman (Kahuna).
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     Like beautiful light. It doesn't care about the brand name. It
expresses itself as transcendent love. It is always with us, all
we have to do is look for it.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     How much the funeral cost. We could afford it, but the whole thing
seemed garish.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     I was absolutely enraged at the whole thing. People kept wanting me
(I felt) to put on an emotional show for them with little saccarine
comments of "Oh, you poor thing." and all of its varients. I cut
little semi-circles in the palms of my hands from clenching my
fists. The only people I didn't want to strike were the ones who
respectfully said, "Let me know if there is anything I can do." They
were sincere.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     Stuffing the body and putting it on display. Its morbid and useless
in my opinion. I want cremation and a funeral feast.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     Deep raspy breathing, no pupil reaction. And from others, a sense
of separation between the body and spirit, and a far-away look in
the eyes, as though they see things you can not see (which they can).

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     Don't be afraid of the rage, and don't hesitate to cry when you need
to. Even years later, talk about the person who is on the other
side, because they appreciate it when you remember them. Don't
throw anything away until you are ready!
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     As I related above. I could feel two presenses, one felt like a
friend or loved one who was already on the other side (I think it
was her first husband), the other felt like a divine being, the
messenger or escourt that meets those about to pass to spirit. She
felt such a rush of joy, and with it was awe and reunion and
relief. I felt this through her, then felt her traveling out,
like she was at right angles to this world. She is still there,
productive, joyful and alive.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     I almost died when I was 12. I was sent back by a voice that told
me I had a great task that I needed to accomplish, and that I would
not be allowed to die until then. I have found that task in the
Spiritual work that I teach to others, and I feel that brush with
death brought me to it.  There have been many other experiences
since then, but that was the first one.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     Therapy, and my own teachers in Kahuna ways. I think that a person's
spiritual advisor is a good choice.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would listen. She was unable to talk when I last saw her, and
though I heard her clearly in my mind, I would have liked to hear
her voice one last time.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Several times, my mother has come to me in dreams to warn me about a
danger to myself or my daughter that manifested almost immediately. I
have felt her near many times when I am working with the medicine
(spiritual tools) or with spirit on journeys. She is often around
when I visit my granddaughter, and she blessed my new marriage,
we both felt her.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I do not want any machines. I want to die at home with my friends
and family around me, like it should be. A funeral pyre, and a
great feast with a place set for me at the table (I'm not leaving
until its over). Though there will be tears, I want my friends and
family to remember the good times and have one terrific party!

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I am not afraid. I love my life, but if I had to leave, I would
guide my loved ones from the other side, just as mom has done for
me. I am looking forward to it.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     We have ways of ritual in my faith that contact the spirit and allow
us to talk to them and keep in touch, if they desire. Also, keeping
her things and pictures close to me is a way to keep her memory
alive to others who never knew  what a remarkable woman she was.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     Mother and I shared spiritual goals that I have kept working on. I
also have many of her mannerisms and her dignity. She lives on in me.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I began to gravitate towards those who had also lost close
family members. They are closer to me than any others, because
we understand.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 
     friends, those still alive


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    The Death Vigil 
     I really detest the side show that funerals have become (are
still?) I don't show my feelings in public.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I do a great deal of counseling work with those who have lost loved
ones, and have been at the deathbed many times in my function as
a Shaman, to ease the process for the person, and accompany their
spirit on the initial part of the journey.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I can realized that I can remember without all of the tearing
grief. Thank you.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     No. Very well done.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Jan 22 02:07:22 1999
F30 in Lawton, Oklahoma =USA=
Name: Michelle
Email: <whisper-at-sirinet.net>
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Found us by: [ Hospice ]
Prof/Studies: Horse trainer
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 8 days ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer;   Aged: 51.

--Details: 
     My mother died a long painful death, and with the help of hospice
I was her primary caretaker.  During the last week of her life
she was rarely conscious of her surroundings.  Giving her pain and
anxiety medication was all I could do for her.  It was a positivly
horrible experience for both of us.  During the last two days I
spent most of my time watching her breathe and willing her to keep
breathing. But many times she went so long without breathing at
all that I thought she was gone.  I hoped for her sake and my own
that it would be peaceful like that, but it wasn't.  Her kidneys
failed, so her lungs filled up with fluid.  During her last moments
of struggling for breath she finally woke up and looked at me.
All I saw in her eyes was fear and pain and there was nothing I
could do for her.  Then suddenly the fluid that had been building
up in her lungs started coming out her mouth and she drowned in it
while I held her hand and tried to keep her clean.  Death is not
a peaceful thing and I fear it very much now.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     Horrifying and lonely

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     Became angry at God

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was... My fater died of a heart attack when I
	was only 5 years old.  I was told at the time that angels had
	come to take him to heaven and I wouldn't be seeing him anymore.
	I became afraid of angels and of God, as well as being very angry
	at them both.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     The pain and fear we both felt.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     To face the truth of it and not try to sugarcoat it with lies.
Because it's not peaceful and it's not a blessing.  even though
I do believe God welcomed my mother into heaven with open arms,
what she went through to get there wasn't pretty.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     Something in me is changed for all time.  I think I am going to
be more easygoing and less anxious than I was before.  Because I
realized that a lot of the things I worry for mean nothing in
the end.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     The loving care that everyone involed in hospice provided.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Watching the misery of it, being helpless, and having to face the
truth that it's not a peaceful thing.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Don't leave them alone.  My mother was very scared and even though
they said she wouldn't wake from her "coma", she did.  I know that
she knew I was with her and it meant a lot to her not to be alone.
 
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Overcame my own fear long enough to comfort hers.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     After she was gone I didn't know what to do at all.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     Her life ended, not mine, and laughter is a part of life even when
it seems out of place.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     I know it sounds silly but I wish I would have painted her
fingernails before she died.  I meant to do that for her because I
know she would have wanted it done, but I never had time.  My sister
asked me if I wanted to do it at the funeral home and I couldn't
bring myself to do it then.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Be there for her.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     The mess.  Death is messy and I think it might have been the only
time in my life I wasn't concerned about the dishes or the laundry
or any other mess.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     The only difference would be that she would still be with me and
things would be like they were.  I have no regrets of things I think
I would go back and change about our life together.  But there is
much I regret about they death process.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that she had to die so young when she wanted so much to live,
and others just throw their lives away by choice.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     Scream or break something because I get so angry at the injustice
of it all.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     It's been 8 days since my mother died and even though I was with
her every moment through her dying process, it still hasn't become
real to me that she is "really" gone.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     helplessness.  The doctors and the hospice people did the best they
could do for her and we all felt helpless.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     Thankful they were there for her during the years she suffered.
And thankful they were there for me in the end.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Comfort and peace in the storm.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Baptist
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     I don't really feel that there was anything spiritual or mystical
about it.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     My mother had made no arrangements for burial or even made a will
even though she was terminally ill for a long period before her
death.  I was shocked by the expense of burial and other arrangements
that had to be made.  It scary and hurtful trying to find the money
to bury her.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     I was so frantic about the funeral arrangments at the time that
I barely had time to really realize that it was my mother we were
burying.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     I felt the whole process was weird, but I guess the strangest thing
that really stands out for me is how long it took.  I don't mean
about how long it took from the time the cancer was diagnosed to the
time she died.  I mean the actual dying process itself.  It's truly
amazing what the human body can endure and still be "alive".

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     A week and a half ago my mother was suffering from terminal cancer,
but was managing to live to the best of her abilities.  She was still
able to drive, go shopping, and many other things that she enjoyed.
Seems like the swelling in her brain happened very quickly and she
became semi-comatose for nearly a week before she died.  During that
week it was obvious that she was dying.  Her periods of consciousness
became fewer and farther apart.  Within three days of her becoming
bedridden and barely conscious her kidneys failed. When that happened
there was no more urine output in the catheter, only blood was
coming out. She began to swell *very* noticably all over and ran a
high fever. This period lasted nearly 72 hours.  Because her kidneys
had stopped functioning the fluid in her began to accumulate in her
and around her lungs. Every breath sounded very much like when a
child is trying to slurp the very last drop of cola from their cup
with a straw.  That's the best way I know how to describe what it
sounded like.  I think she began breathing like that sometime between
24 and 48 hours after the kidney failure occured.  During the last
24 hours her respiration^s  were only 3 to 5 a minute, sometimes
less, and during the last 6 hours there was no detectable pulse or
blood pressure.  The hospice nurses couldn't understand how she was
still alive at all then, but she was.  Finally there was a period
of several minutes when she didn't breathe at all, then she woke
up, looked at me, and the fluid that had been accumulating in her
lungs came out her mouth. After that her whole body relaxed and she
didn't hurt anymore.  I know this is an awful thing to describe,
but I wish I knew it would be like that.  I expected it would be
like going to sleep and never waking up.  I expected and hoped for
it to be peaceful.  But it wasn't and oh how I wish someone had
told me it could or would be what it really was.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     I'm still in shock.  I feel numb most of the time and confused.
On the flip side of that is an angry determination to live to the
best of my abilities and try to do everything she wanted to do and
can't anymore.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     There was none that I observed though I did expect such a thing
to happen.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     Nothing like that has happened to me.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I don't have any unresolverd issues with my mother.  She helped to
make sure of that while she was still alive.  I'm thanful for that.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Nothing like that has happened to me.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     One thing I did do during this last week, I have made burial and
funeral arangements for myself and my husband so that our children
won't have to suffer that.  I also think it is very important to
respect the modesty and dignity of a dying person.  My mother
was so determined to beat the cancer that killed her that she
refused to ever talk about or take care of any matters reguarding
her death.  So I tried to do for her what I would have wanted done
for me. I hope it was what she would have wanted.  I did witness some
seemingly strange social interactions among my family members though.
One thing I will never understand is why few people wanted to be with
her in her dying process, but neary everyone wanted to watch while
the hospice nurses bathed and prepared her body for the funeral home.
I felt it was a violation to her modesty and privacy to watch her
nakedness be on display when she was no longer there and couldn't
say anything about it.  But they didn't.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I am very scared of my own mortality at thia moment.  I'm not
scared of what might or might not happen after I die, only that I
will die and that it will hurt and be an ugly process.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     No new friends or relationships, only that I cherish more the ones
that I already have.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Passage of Time 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Silence & Taboos 
     I wasn't allowed to go to my fathers funeral because I was so
young. For that reason I sometimes believed that he had simply chosen
to leave. I lost not only my father but any trust I had in the other
adults around me because I felt they weren't honest with me about it.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     It would have been helpful to me if someone had been more honest
about the process of death.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I just hope my experience and answers will help someone else and have
tried to be as honest and forthcoming as possible on the subject.

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Thu Jan 21 04:53:40 1999
M37 in Madras, Tamilnadu =India=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  I just browsed through & got interested. Here I am.

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Prof/Studies: Senior Manager
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father,  16 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Heart attack;   Aged: 51.

--Details: 
     It was quite a shock too. I still reel under the effects. He
died suddenly. I was just back at my Hostel from home when the
dreadful news reached me. I was quite upset for several years. It
has literally broken me loose from the rest of his family . He died
of repeated heart attacks over 3 years as he was a very sensitive
person.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     leaving the old form and taking on a new form. Its like changing
from one set of clothes to another. During the change time the
humans who love us get very upset.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was mortified myself. I starkly realised we are mortal. And death
can snatch away any one at any age.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...  It was my grandfather,who I loved very
	much . He died rather suddenly and I kept remembering him for a
	long time. Around the same time my cousin also died of meningitis -
	it was a case of touch and go. I took my cousin's death quite badly .

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     Getting into a shell into myself. As if everything else going on
around me is surreal and I was playing out a role and that it was
not me who was involved.

--What I think my (India) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It is both good & bad. Good for some who suffered in life for too
long. Bad for those who love life.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     It puts bearings in you. You pause,reflect and knowing life's
impermanence you evolve into a better human being.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     My mind. My wife.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     When my infant child died. It was a part of me that died with him.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     To touch him/her,show the person dying is not alone.
 
--[My Son's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     coped with it. Its shattering. But opens you up somewhere else in
the mind's vistas.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     the death of my child was inevitable & I had barely an hour to accept
that fact. I was a father and after an hour not a father again !

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cherish the memories.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 
     In India it happens all around. You kind of get immuned to it.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 
     Fear of the unknown. More particularly the physical pain associated
with it and being away from the loved ones,unfinished agenda ,
not being able to see your little son grow up, fear of uncertainity
for their future etc.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Jan 20 17:14:56 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: someone else's negelences, car accident;   Aged: 71.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     just can't accept it.  it's like someone just shelve it to me and
i have no choice but to take it.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandmother took a ride from this 18 year
	old kid(my uncle's friend's son).  1/2 there, he fell asleep.
	the car went off the road for a long time, straight, air borned
	twice, then fell into a ditch.  the boy only got bruses, but my
	grandmother died.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     life is short, people could die anytime.  instead of focusing on $,
fame, and all the other stuff that people thought they can't live
w/o, people should focus on "what" is going to make them happy.
because you could die tomorrow unexpectly.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     "maybe" is a way to finally end all the suffering from being in
the physical world.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     support is not something i need here.  i need knowledge about death,
what happends after people die, where do they go?  do they stick
around?  or to take go on to another life cycle?  were they frighten?
are they happy at where they are?
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     wondering.  i want to understand where exactly do they go, do the
people alive still matter to them..... the boy(and his family)
who killed my grandmother didn't do anything to compensate our lost.
no flowers, no $, NOTHING.  they just say they are sorry, but their
"sorry" doesn't mean anything to me.  their "sorry" will not bring
back my grandomther.  i hate them and wish the worse on them, but
at the same time i feel it's morally wrong to feel this way.(<--but
what about my feelings?  don't i have the right to hate them)  
he killed my grandmother and rubbed her life.  she was a perfectly
healthy woman who could live at least for another 10 years.  yet,
i can't do anything to him.
  
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     are there heaven and hell, rebirth, or spirits just stick around?

--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     i felt that she is going to leave me a year ago but i wasn't sure.
 
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     i wish it all hadn't happend!!!  i wish that everyday.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     why a lot of nice people suffer, while bad people live their
lives nicely

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     have her come back.  i will give 10 years of my life in exchange
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     confusing
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     money is everything!  when it comes down to it, it's all about money
 
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     i felt i had the instinct that she is going to leave me and she
really did.  it's freaking me out.  i'm starting to get the feeling
about my mother and i DO NOT want her to die

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     never existed because she died unexpectly
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     i miss her a lot

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     please don't die

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     my grandmother said when her hudsband died, she felt him coming
back and sat next to her bed while she was sleeping.  i thought
she'd come back to visit me/us, but she didn't.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     it'd be a relief

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     no

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	at what age  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    -none- 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Upbringing 
     there are just so many different ways which people have talked
about after death experiences i don't know which one to believe

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jan 19 21:17:56 1999
F41 in , wisconsin =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father,  yrs14 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 50.

--Details: 
     he thought it was pnemonia...when he finally got it dignosed,
he was told he had 6 months...and that was what he did.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end of existance as far as we know

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried and wondered why they were taken away from me

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...a priest that was a good friend of my
	grandmother's died

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     he didn't allow his family to talk to him about either his or
our feelings

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     the exchange of thoughts and feelings about what is happening....it's
like parents not talking to their children about sex or drugs,
denying they are issues important to their family's health and
wellbeing

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     it made my relationship with my mother stronger

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my then boyfriend (now my husband) just being there for me ,helping
to mantain some normalacy to my life
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     that it was the absolute END and that they would never be a pert
of my life again, except for in my memories
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     even if they don't want to confront the reality of their dying, don't
walk away from them but be there physically for them even in silence
 
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     heard the death sentence when he was diagnosed

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     we,his children were making attempts to remember he was human,
because after his death it seemed easy to cannonize him!
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     get my dad to talk to me about what was going on for him,inside

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     be near my family and not living half-way across the country
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     that I be physiclly present at my father's funeral

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would't have the close relationship with my mother that I do

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     be one of those people who has faith in a reuniting afterlife
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     realized that every person grieves in their own way and their
own timetable

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     happiness that they worked with my family in allowing my father to
die at home, and not at the hospital
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     very positive and supportive
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     the gammut from very much a part of the experiance to not at
all(which was me)
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     past-catholic, present-agnostic
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     many people attended...my father was loved by alot of people

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     how close I feel to it even 14 years later
(I'm crying as I type!)

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     the person talking as if in a dream state about things that
were important to their life that seem incoherant or out of
context....hallucincations...maybe brought on by the painkillers

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     let everyone grieve in their own way and at their own rate
 
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     though I know my father loved me as much as I loved him I would
have liked to have heand it out loud

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I have siblings who have had these types of experiances, I suppose
this is part of their "faith", I on the otherhand have only had
dreams in which I have enjoyed my father's presence

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     do not recuscitate wishes

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I think I would like the idea of having time to prepare...though I
haven't made any formal plans I have told my husband and siblings
my wishes about organ donation,cremation over casket burial and
site of urn burial

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     my mother

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Lack of Awareness 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Silence & Taboos 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     it put things that are in your head in front of you to think about
how they affect your life

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jan 19 21:00:36 1999
F26 in ,  =canada=
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	A Window to Heaven
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Dianne Komp
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend,  1 month ago.
Cause of Death: car accident;   Aged: 28.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the brea