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See Current contributions.
See Aug 98 contributions.
See Jul 98 contributions.
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Tue Sep 29 23:05:41 1998
F44 in Greenfield, Indiana =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Nurse/Homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 6yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Pancreatic Cancer; Aged: 63yrs.
--Details:
On June 30th, 1992 he became ill with Jaundice, after many tests
and procedures, he was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer which had
mets to the liver, bone and lungs. In a very, very short period of
time he became progressively weaker and in grave decline. He died
a slow painful death on August 11, 1992 with his family at his side.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our earthly, bodily existance.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very sad, I cried and cried. It was the death of a child and
I feld it was so unfair.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was 20 yrs. old and a new nursing grad.
I worked at Riley Childrens' Hosp. I was very attached to a sick
3 yr. old. He didn't survive a complicated surgery.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how bad it still hurts. And that I will miss my father forever.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to talk more to one another about our grief.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was there thru the night with my father until the end.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband. He really understood how completely heartbroken I was.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
going back to my parents house knowing that my father wouldn't
be there.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
touch them, hug them, tell them how much you love them. It's very
important that they know you are there with them, that they are
not alone. Let them know it's ok to go.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
let myself grieve. I cried a river and it made me feel better.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
immedietly when he died - even though I witnessed it, I still
coulldn't believe it had happened.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was another type of strong emotional release.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my father when he was home from the hospital.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with him alone the night before his death - at the hospital.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
telling the out of town in-laws about my fathers death. It just
wasn't important to me at the time.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see anything that reminds me of him - a hat, picture, a man with
a gray beard. It really doesn't take much to get me going.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I certainly would spend more time with him and tell him more often
that I love him.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he had worked very hard all of his life and had just retired.
He never really had a chance to enjoy his retirement and to spend
his extra free time with us.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see him, hug him, talk to him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
denied it, I cried for days.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
saddness. They never suggested home IV fluids for my father
which would have certainly made him feel better. I stayed with my
father the entire night before he died at the hospital - in those
hours they never came in and checked on his condition. I had to
ask them to change his O2 from nasal cannula to a mask because he
was mouth breathing. They acted like my request was a real pain.
He had a catheter in and no one on the staff was aware that he
hadn't had any urine output for over 16 hours. They seemed to
completely avoid my fathers room. What really makes this sad is
the fact that it was the Hematology/Oncology wing of the hospital.
I often wonder if this is how they treat all of their patients.
It's almost too sad to consider.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no hospice experience.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that it exists. There is more than just an earthly life.
--Regarding MONEY:
money was not a concern.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the outpouring of love from so many dear friends. I felt completely
drained, both emotionally and physically.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How people expect you to be ale to eat after the funeral.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it has been a long process. Give yourself plenty of time.
Some deaths we really never get over. We just move on, day to day.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he only began to relax when we told him that we were all there -
myself, mother, and two brothers.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just tell him again how much I love him and miss him.
You can never tell the ones you love too often, that you love them.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I herd my father's voice say - "Donna, everything is alright".
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have made my wishes perfectly clear to my physician and my family.
I do not wish to be kept alive in a persisant vegitatative state.
They have told me that they will honor my wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would constantly re-inforce that fact that I love the ones dear
to me. That I will be fine. That I will finally have the oportunity
to see the ones I love and miss.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I still don't feel closure. I still haven't been able to go to my
fathers grave since the funeral.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
Returning to work the next day, and keeping busy were life savers.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
this was the first death of someone I deeply cared for, I couldn't
believe this special child had lost his life.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I always wait at least a week after the death of someone to write the
family a letter. It is important that they know that people continue
to think and pray for them not just at the immediate time of death.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was good for me to re-think my ideas about death and dying.
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Tue Sep 29 21:40:26 1998
F19 in toronto, ontario =canada=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
flirting with death
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: liver disease; Aged: 52.
--Details:
she was an alcoholic
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't react
--That first time, how it happened was
it was my great aunt who i barely knew... died of cancer... then
a year or 2 later her husband died...
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
loss and guilt
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
acceptance of the loss and the beauty of death
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my mom was free of her corporeal pain and i became free to pursue
my own life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the knowledge that she was relieved of her pain
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
guilt
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell them you love them and that they should go when they feel
ready and have no guilt in passing on
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have learned that death can help more than it hurts sometimes
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she died without me knowing she was that sick
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be nicer, tell her how much i truly loved her, tell her i appreciated
her so much no matter how bad a mom she was
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see her die
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
her heart began to beat faster and faster until it just stopped... i
was watching the monitor saying in my mind for her to start beating
faster... it was her way of saying goodbye
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i look at my daughter and realize she'll never meet her grandma
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would not be married, have a baby, live on my own, own mky own
company.. because she would never have let me go to the club where
i met my husband
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that i didnt get to say goodbye
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to her again and hug her
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was overrun with guilt and the feeling of great loss
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust... the intern who was "draining" the water retention in
her belly punctured her intestines, giving her an infection which
killed her... no one told us OR her that she was dying... when she
died the breathing machine was left on for way to long...
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
the doctor was a liar, telling us she was ok and would make it even
though we found out later that he knew she was on her way out...
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
personal religion loosely based on judiasm/christianity
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
more likely
--Regarding MONEY:
none
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that she didnt want a funeral but we had one any ways which
disgusted me
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the wake which i laughed through
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i still have not finished... first i thought my mom was the best
thing since sliced bread... then i hated her... now i miss her
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none - she was braindead when i got there
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i'm still guilty but i'm seeking therapy
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that she loved me and she always would
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i have had many dreams which, i have been told by a professional,
are my mom coming back... in each one I think "why doesn't she just
leave me alone? she's dead, why does she have to come back?"...
also, my mother is within my house in the form of a black orb which
whips through the room some times... my daughter also looks at and
"talks" (she's 5 months old so its more like squawking) to places
where nothing is...
also, my grandfather died recently... and
in the past few weeks "something" picked my daughter up off the bed
and put (or possibly threw) her across the room... she wasn't crying
when we got there but we were so afraid that she had fallen off the
bed that we scared her... and twice now something has slammed into
the center of the bed after my husband is asleep... and I know it
isn't him moving because the duvet gets a huge dent in it and is
ripped off my legs... after that happens the baby's crib begins to
get banged around...
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i want to be creamated and my ashes strewn over a feast and all
my friends and relatives not to know... and the only sign would be
one at the end of the table saying "eat me"
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
if i die i die...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i sat in my bckyard and cried to my mother, telling her everything
i had ever wanted to say
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it didn't do much for me except show me how guilty i am
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Tue Sep 29 14:43:19 1998
M49 in Nazareth, PA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Sales Manager
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 16 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 73.
--Details:
circulatory problems leading to undiagnosed gangrene and sepsis.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
ceasing to exist in a physical state.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
ran from the funeral parlor and went home to discuss seeing a dead
person with my mother.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a classmate's parents through a car accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
sadness toward the dead person and frustration with the suddenness,
unfairness, mystery and finality of it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is a natural progression from life as we know it and should
be treated with more inevitability.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my father's chronic and long-time pain and frustration with his
illness was terminated by death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a feeling that God's plan includes death as a passage to a higher,
or different plane of existence.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
overcoming my discomfort about discussing it with friends and
relatives. The event of my father's death seemed almost too
personal to share with people I would normally share personal
experiences with.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
try to exhibit self control to avoid discomfort for the dying person.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the minister spoke of totally unrelated subjects about my father
during his funeral service. No mention was made to personalize him;
references were made obliquely about biblical passages, seemingly
unrelated to my father.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him how much I loved him and how much influence he had in
my life. Also, to say some sort of goodbye,.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
carry out his final wishes.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I dream about my father even after all these years. These dreams
always are about his beating death and coming back to his family.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that children and young people dye before having experienced life.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
broke down and wept. I found the death to be implausible, despite
it coming at the end of a long illness.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Tue Sep 29 12:45:52 1998
F21 in fullerton, ca =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
search on yahoo by psychology, tests and experiments
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Prof/Studies: Psychology student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: mixing heroin and cough syrup; Aged: 24.
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--Death Is:
the end of your existence here on earth. It's like going to sleep
or moving very far away.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in shock and disbelief.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My dad's best friend was getting really sick.
Soon we found out he had cancer. He died a year later.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
We were all scared for our own lives, because it could have happened
to any of us. So I suppose we felt thankful and it definitely
brought us closer together.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not the answer nor the end. Death is a rebirth for the
individual. Not a beautiful white world where you can all of a
sudden have all of your wishes fulfilled. There's just no joy in
life that way.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
not taking my life for granted.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
drugs.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
realizing I would die too someday, and maybe sooner than I thought.
--[My acquaintance's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have accepted death as a natural phenomenon.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it was so sudden.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
not contribute or encourage his drug habits.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have people around that suffered the same loss.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was angry.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
Haven't had much experience with it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Tue Sep 29 12:26:11 1998
M22 in ny, ny =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: murder; Aged: 21.
--Details:
Body found hanging from the 14th story of a building in Moscow.
The murderers had strangled him, and tried to make it look like
a suicide.
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--Death Is:
For the self, non-existence, and something that is part of life only,
b/c you can't conceive of it unless you're alive. When others
die, it means that you will never, ever, ever, have the opportunity
to speak to that person again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
started sleeping 12 hours per day.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father's good friend had cancer. He just
announced it one day at the dinner table that his buddy had cancer.
I never saw the guy again, or heard about it until he died.
I think it was just the timing. I was 14, my grandmother was ill
with Parkinson's, my dog died, my grandfather made some comment
about not having anything to stick around for, I grew up without
religion, and I began to realize what a fuckin' joke life is,
what an absurd place the world is. You know, existential thinking.
No purpose to life, we're all going to die anyway, what's the point
of living, etc., etc. Well, that first experience with death,
if you can call it that, put me into a state of depression that,
well, honestly, I'm still in. That was about 8 years ago. You can
call me an obsessive thinker.
After that, i had real encounter
with death. My 21 year old cousin died in his sleep. A few months
later, a friend died in a car accident at 17. A few years later,
a college friend was murdered while studying abroad in Russia at
the age of 21. I also lost a couple of grandmothers along the way.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Completely losing my concept of time for a period of a month or more.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To talk about it, acknowledge it in words, allow ourselves to cry
about it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Walt Whitman
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Seeing what it did to people who were even closer.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned that life is short, and even if you are in perfect health
and only 21 years old, you could die tomorrow, and that is not an
exageration at all.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I went to the wake(s).
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
knowing HOW it happened.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring them back to life, of course.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
lost control of my life
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
impotence
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the enemy. I remember going to my cousin's funeral in the middle of
nowhere, Wisconssin, and listening to all the ignorant churchgoing
fucks say how God needed a film maker in heaven, and that's why my
21 year old cousin died, and listening to the bullshit priest talk
about non-religious people as if they were not human, and listen to
his bullshit rendition of a funeral, whereby he turned what should
have been a celebration of a short life into a sermon about how we
should love someone who died for our alleged sins, etc., etc,
blah blah fuckin' blah.
--Religious Affiliation:
None, thank god :-).
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
humbling
--Regarding MONEY:
In the case of my cousin, he was poor as ass, and finally about
to make it out of the shitty situation he was in. His father is a
loser, and his whole town was flat broke. People couldn't even dress
respectfully for his funeral, and I don't know why that bothers me,
because I usually could care less about how people dress. I guess
the reality just hit me of how lucky I was to be from a well to
do family.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Back to my friend. I remember going up to the casket, having
a look, than stepping over to the parents. There were hundreds
of people at this funeral. I went up to the mother to tell her
what an influence Tony was on me, and she kind of broke down,
saying "I guess he was a good kid." Apparently, there had been
some speculation that he was involved in selling drugs in Russia,
or something petty like that, and he ran into some mafia dudes who
did him in. Well, while his mom was starting to break down, his
dad looked me in the eye and said to me, "There are a lot of people
around you who will need your support, so it's important that you
be strong." I don't think he appreciated me going beyond the routine
"I'm sorry, my condolences" while going through that dreadful line.
What did I know? I was 19.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
Falling in Love, reading Walt Whitman
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
The absurdity of having people just a few years older than me die.
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Tue Sep 29 11:42:14 1998
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 13 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: wreck; Aged: 6.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...half of my class died in a bus accident
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Tue Sep 29 06:30:48 1998
M18 in MI =USA=
Name: Vince
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: canser; Aged: 89.
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandfather died when I waas young. I did
not cry but bottled it all up in side.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Mon Sep 28 15:42:20 1998
F16 in , MA =USA=
Name: Cassandra
Email: <erin-at-mediaone.net>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Survey says
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 years ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 86.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is when God calls us home. It is when the body that you
see before you dies and our soul goes to either heaven or hell.
It isn't an end, but just another passage in life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and cried and cried. I was upset that I could no longer be
with this person, smile with them, joke with them, even get mad at
them. I missed their company. It was like this huge gap in my life
that could never be filled.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My first experience with death ocurred when my
grandfather passed away. He died of a heart attack in the middle
of the night. My grandmother called my mother and her screams and
sobs woke me up. They brought him to the hospital, but he did not
make it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being upset and crying. I got upset and snapped at people, something
I don't usually do. Then I sat down and cried.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it isn't the end. And not to be obsessed with the idea of
it. You will die when you die, not before, not after.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
A better understanding of mortality, that no ones lives forever, and
no matter who you are, death will find you. Everyone dies sometime.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The knowladge that God was with me and looking after me in my time
of need. I would see that person once more in heaven.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Living without them. I would expect them to be places and they
wouldn't be there. I would fall into old patterns and then have
to remind myself.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Show them how much you love them. Give them comfort. But most of
all, just be there, it is often enough.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
During the funeral procession, I had a strong urge to smile all of
a sudden. I don't really know why, but probably because everyone
else was so somber.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Get on with my life. Heal. AT the time it seemed I would bear
scars forever, but now . . .I have healed.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
It rained. I don't know why, but I remember a day very distinctly
after the funeral when it rained. I have never forgotten it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when someone else gets upset or cries, it upsets me. Often I find
myself either smiling at them or crying with them.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think that if he were still alive, I might not be the person I
am today. Who's to say that it would have a good or bad affect?
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Yes, my grandfather died a week before my eigth birthday, and I
remember thinking, "It's just not fair, why couldn't God wait just
one more week?"
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Jump ahead to a time in the future when I have healed.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
No veiw.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
When my grandmother died, it was terrible. Some of the nurses were
down right rough to her, and I did not like that. I do not have
very good impressions.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Security. Love.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am Christian.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I believe we all go through the same thing when we die, that we are
judged, and either sent to Hell or to live out eternity in Heaven.
But I really can't say what happens, after all, I have never died.
--Regarding MONEY:
Buying the casket. I remember going and looking at different ones
for my grandfather. For Grandmother it was her will.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The sounds of crying. The pastor talking.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Disorientation. Not knowing your loved ones. Calling for people
who have been dead for years. Ragged breathing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Crying and letting it all out is a must. You have to mourn, accept,
and then heal. It is a long process.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I sincerely do not know.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
How the persons wealth and possessions is given out. But more
importantly, how they want their funeral and such carried out.
I would like to be cremated, and I do not wish to have a wake.
This means something to me.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I know that it will happen one day, it could be fifty years from now,
or it could be tomorrow. I will die when I die, not before, not
after. God has a set time for me, I know. This gives me comfort.
I am not afraid of death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
Knowing that the person is in heaven, that I will see them again,
and having my family around me means alot to me during these times.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
I hate to see the body - the person is not there anymore, it isn't
them. I want to remember them as they are, full of life and beauty,
not how their body looks afterward.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Giving out love gives love in return.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
A good one. It helped me think about how I coped with deaths in
my life.
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Mon Sep 28 06:09:04 1998
F25 in Pretoria, Gauteng =South Africa=
Name: Marelize
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Secretary
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: freak accident; Aged: 26.
--Details:
I believe he didn't feel any pain, although he died 20 minutes later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
painful at first - the thought of not ever seeing that person in
this lifetime again, is the whorst feeling ever. People say that
life does go on, and it sounds cruel that people can go on without
that special person, but time and fiath helps you to understand
what they meant. After 2 years without my fiance (and still lots
of tears) I do believe that he is in a better place and oneday we
will meet again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
could not believe that someoen can be ripped out of your life
so sudden.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my fiance and I was engaged to be married,he
was my soulmate for 6 years. The day of our 6-year aniversary
and 4 months before our wedding day he was suddenly swept from our
earth. It was a freak accident - he was sitting on the back of
his car, the car started to move, he lost his balance and fell -
he died of head injuries a few minutes later.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the few days before his funeral.
--What I think my (South Africa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That death is not a bad thing, and that this is part of everyday
life. I would like to prepare my family for death, let them know
that you are never alone, that it's a part of God's plan with you
and to believe that you will oneday see this person again and that
everyone will live happily ever after in God's kingdom. People
must understand that death leaves a big, empty space in your heart,
but that memories, friends and family are a stepping stone in this
difficult times.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It made me realize that no one is immortal, and that God is al
mighty.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My mother, she was always there.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Losing my best friend, lover and husband to be.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
survived his death. He was my whole life, my sun during the day,
the moon during night time, I loved him so much. I never thought I
could survive one day without him, but I did, he passed away 2 years
and 2 months ago and I am still here, hopefully helping someone to
cope with the death of a loved one.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
*He did not respond to me when I called out his name in hospital.
*His funeral - I hated the idea of covering his body with sand in
a dark hole. *Disbelieve - him not coming home, not phoning.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
let him know, everyday of our lifes, that I loved him. The day he
died, he was sure of my love for him forever.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I chose the clothes he was burried in. I also put some perfume on
him just before the funeral - he loved smelling nice.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
*I'm alone *I hear music we use to listen to together *I go to
weddings or see a happy family *I see a new-born baby
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We would have been married now. We would have started with a family
already. I would have been so much more happy than what I am
right now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
God taking someone that is so loved by so many people, why didn't
HE take someone that is very old, is a murderer or has no loved ones.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see him once more, touch him once more, talk to him once more.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. That was all I did for months. I didn't want to see anyone,
I refused to go anywhere but to his grave.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The doctor did everything he possibly could.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Praying for him alot.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I can't remember a lot about the funeral. I prefer it like that.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Waking up the next morning, life does go on.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
For a few months after his death I am sure he came to visit me in
dreams. There was times that I could actually feel his presence
- I truly believe that he was there. I also believe that there
are still some times that he comes to visit, just to see how we
are doing.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't want anyone to oneday when I'm dead, "worship" my grave,
that is not were i am, I want people to remember me in their hearts.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not scared to die, but I am worried about people that I am
going to leave behind.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote letters to him every now and again and put it on his grave. I
left it there for a few days before I took it away. Sometimes I
still look at pictures of him / us, cry and then I feel better.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I appreciate life more, I believe in God now more than ever before.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Help from caring friends, family, talking about it, memories,
lots of crying, grave and God
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
The thought of never seeing him again, being alone - he was my world
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionnaire took me back to the day he died, and I must
admit,it did bring tears to my eyes and a longing to just hold
him in my arms or to phone him quickly to tel him I love him. I
realize that no one is immortal.
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Fri Sep 25 18:52:02 1998
F25 in , il =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
on death and dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
elizabeth kubler ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: old age/natural causes; Aged: 102.
--Details:
She died in her sleep, very peaceful
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--Death Is:
very ritualistic, has many negative conotations that may seem
unusual for people without christian perspectives
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had many experiences with animals prior to people. The first
person was John Lennon. I cryed because my parents did, but I
didn't understand the signifigance at the time. To me he was a
fictional character.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... We found some bunnies in out back yard,
and my dad took them to the nature consevitory and I watched them
fed to snakes
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was very happy when I heard frances had passed. She was so old,
deaf, and debilitated. She died before she had any signifigant pain,
and was happy and self actualized.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is a natural part of the life cycle. Not to fear death,
not to associate negativity with death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I held a mans hand when he died once. He looked to peaceful and
happy when he left. It was very emotional, and i wasn't sad,
just felt like it was a rare spiritual experience for me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my co-workers. I work in the health industry and there is a lot
of comrodery amoung staff.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
a young girl I went to school with. She was 16 and died in a drunk
driving accident, there were so many people there and she had an
open casket even though she had broke every bone in her face.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just hold their hand, dont be afraid to tell them you love them.
Tell them that you want to know what they are feeling. Help them
to relax, and not be afraid.
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Patients: can deal with all that death. I find that mostly I am
happy for those that die. usually they are not afraid, and death
is a release for a lot of pain.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My grandpa died on x-mas eve when I was 17. My dad moved out
the next day to help my grandma, and my parents were about to get
seperated, grandpas death just pushed things along. It was x-mas
day though that he moved out , and it was a crappy x-mas to say
the least.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
My aunt betty died choking at a resturaunt. My cousins and I
giigled thinking if the sausage link was still in her throat.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about my grandma dying. She hasnt passed yet but i know
ill be very emotional.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
A favorite patient died, and i wasn't there when it happened.
I found out from the daily census reports at the facility. I just
wished i could have said good-bye, or at least have been told by
a co-worker.
--Religious Affiliation:
None/agnostic
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I had a horrible asthma attack once. i was in and out of
concenceness and i wasnt afraid, but i thought i was going to die.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I have often talked to by patients long after they died. Its like
personal prayer
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Fri Sep 25 12:59:59 1998
F29 in Mesa, Arizona =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 19 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: bulimia; Aged: 31.
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--Death Is:
when breathing and heartrate cease.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
went into shock
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My mother died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how abandoned I felt
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that grieving is an individual process that everyone reacts
differently to. There isn't a set time or way to grieve.
Telling people stupid platitudes like 'time heals all wounds' or
'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' is not only insensitive,
but dense and ignorant. Such things only prolong the grieving
process and the psychic damage to the griever.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it put my mother out of her suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself. Everyone else was dealing with their own grief, and I was
expected to care for them. All the grieving I did was by myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Being told that I had to make sure everyone else was all right,
and not being able to express my own grief.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
survived
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the first year following her death
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
visit my mother in the hospital before she died.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my brother put a susan b anthony coin on my mother's casket.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
the holidays or her birthday come around. Or sometimes when I'm
just missing her.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I might be in a different place, but I know that my mother would
be there for me and support me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that God would take away the mother of little kids.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have her back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
shoved it all inside.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
incompetence.
--Religious Affiliation:
formerly Roman Catholic/now Pagan
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the feeling that I would wake up and find it was all a nightmare.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my brother has seen my mother's ghost, and most of the family
members dream of her, including myself. She comes to tell us that
she loves us and that she hasn't forgotten us.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I would like to know why she was so obsessed about her weight that
she died of bulimia.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to hear her tell me that she loves me. I would feel
better about her dying if I could hear that one last time.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Very often I dream that I am living in the house I grew up in and I
come home from school and see her stuff laying around, and I go to
the bathroom and she is there putting on her make up and she says
'I decided it was time to come back!' And we will have talks about
why she died or other things about my life.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want them to make sure that I'm not suffering.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not afraid to die, but only of 'how' I die. I don't want to
suffer or be murdered.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish someone had been there for *me*
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
a little more painful than I thought
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Fri Sep 25 09:19:21 1998
Anonymous F22 Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: auto accident; Aged: 17.
--Details:
There were 5 of us on our way to a board of education meeting to
receive an award when our car was broad-sided by another vehical
doing approx. 85mph. the impact cause our car to flip 5 times
and tumble over the white median. I was thrown from the car and
sustained multiple injuries including: a right femur that was
completely snapped in two, a punctured right lung, the right lung
also collapsed, whip lash, nerve damage in the lower left leg,
crushed left sacreal (lower spine.. rather minor bone), hairline
fracture in the right hip. I was flow to shock trauma with one
other person via a medavac helicopter. Two friends in my car were
killed, the driver 17 was pronounced dead at the scene, a passanger,
15 died at the hospital minutes after his release. a major
artery detached from hi heart as he was walking to his girlfriend
and family. I do not have a recollection of the actual accident,
only momements before, and a few flashes of the rescue. I do not
remember the next day at all, probably due to the morphine drip.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When the entire body no longer functions.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried, and remembered everything i didn't say or do that i wished
i had.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... A next door neighbor who was of my own age
and grade was brutally raped and murdered . She was a girl my
brother and I were friends with. Her body was left in her back
yard and covered with leaves. Her 7 year old brother found her
about a week after she was killed.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The balloons that were released at my grandmother's funeral.
It was nice having something happy instead of sad as the last
moment.. meaning the actually burial.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it happens to everyone, so don't take life so damned
serious... you need to have fun while you still can.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
While I was sad to see my grandmother die, I was glad that she was
no longer in pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I don't know...for the most part, I just don't deal with it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
survivors guilt... why did they die, and I didn't, especially when
they were "better" people than me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
withdrew from sociaty
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs
I burried it with marijuana, and never really dealt with it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
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Thu Sep 24 17:10:22 1998
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 25 days ago.
Cause of Death: car accident/no seat belt.; Aged: 17.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Not real until it happens. And even then ...
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
suffered a longing I did not know was possiable.
--That first time, how it happened was
I did "experience" death before now, but not really. On Augest
30th my 17 year old daughter the middle child of 5 was killed in
a one car accident. She was not wharing a seet belt. The MinieVan
she was riding in did not have a rear window. SHe was thrown from
the van into a concreat drainiage ditch.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How suddenly it can happen. If only ...
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
What culture. We live in erban anonimous existance.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That she was at all.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
AA
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
What I did and what I dind not do with and for her when she was here.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Make ie ok for then to leave.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Support Group
I am a member of AA for 11 years.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
What was she feeling in her last 30 seconds. How can I help her in
her transition? How can I best help my other children? When will
the waves of grief which incipicate me stop?
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Wed Sep 23 21:06:40 1998
F24 in owen sound, ON =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 11 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: bad heart , and high blood pressure; Aged: 55.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a long sleep in which you dont awake.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was quite young.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My brother died in a boating accident when
i was 3 he was 6 and i was convinced he would return the next monday.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
anger, resentment, and a whole lot of expressionless faces.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
The people who died need to be remebered.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Life isn't so hard for those people anymore...they have no stress
or sicknesses.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Remembering the good times, and the closeness i had with them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
THe thought that we couldnt have the joy we once had as a family.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Show and tell them how you really care for them.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Truly admire the strenght she had to keep the family together.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When we said our goodbyes. Why such a good person had to die.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was remembering somthing funny she once did or told me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
celebrate one more birthday together.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say goodbye and how i loved her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
She was so strong for everyone else.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Dont know
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Family is so hard on one another and i know thats not the way she
wanted it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I know by now that she would have been able to help me sort things
out and i would have somone to show me the mistakes i'm heading
towards.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That her of all people so careing so loving, had to die.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
transfer myself to where she is just to talk and be with her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
really felt a great loss.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
limited abilities, too bad they didnt know more about lowering
blood pressure and stabilizing a heart at the same time.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a whole world of support for me.
--Religious Affiliation:
Seventh Day Adventist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
dont know
--Regarding MONEY:
Death and burial should not have any relation to money at all.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The relatives we hardly ever saw were always there and it was good
to see them though it wasnt the best of times.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Seeing her in the coffin i thought she was gonna sit up and start
laughing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
dont know
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
My religion kept me going.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I dont know
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I really have no unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just want to be close to her and hear her views on things,
and what she would do to resolve the conflicts in our family.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Various members of my family have thought to have seen a loved one
whose died in an apparition/ or ghost type form but this could have
just as well been a dream.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
making sure that my dieing wish would be that the family put aside
their differences and start sharing their lives as a family again.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i think i would have to resolve the probelems in my life and make
sure that thoes that need to know, know i had a happy life with them.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Daydreaming of what we did together what we could have done if she
were here.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
her passive nature i tend to carry on.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
Blocked out alot.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
They don't talk of it.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
a little less conflict through the whole family.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Actually quite nice to get feeling about certain things reguarding
death out.
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Wed Sep 23 09:48:54 1998
F40 in Austin, Texas =Williamson=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: librarian
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible, Near Death Experiences
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: arrested during surgery; Aged: 84.
--Details:
She had had cancer, mind dementia, and been in a nursing home and
fallen there. She needed to have hip replacement surgery or she
would be bedridden. Although she was very weak the doctors, I,
and she all felt the risking surgery would be better than having
her systems slowing break down due to inactivity. She arrested,
suffered irreversable brain damage and was rescutated in spite of a
living will and DNR order. She was in a coma we decided to unlook
life support. Since we do not know where one's soul is in this
kind of situation, my husband and I held her hand, prayed with her,
sang to her, and thanked her for kind things she'd done for us and
our boys until she flat lined.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a passage from this life which, while joyous and satisfying,
is as sometimes painful and ephemeral into an eternal life that
may be alway joyous or always painful depending on the choices of
eternal consequence and allegiances to supernatural forces formed
by the individuals.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
asked alot of logistical questions and accepted that they were in
heaven with God where I would see them again sometime.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I grew up Catholic in south Louisiana where
grave are above ground because of sea level. On Halloween day it is
my father's practice, as it is many other's, to clean up the family
gravesite for All Saint's Day. I went with him to the cemetery
to help. I was about four. My grandmother, his mother, had died
when I was two and I didn't remember her at all. I hadn't attended
the funeral. I remember asking lots of questions about her grave
and if she was in there. My dad didn't seem to be sure . He tried to
explain heaven, purgatory, etc., but I stopped listening. He managed
to get across a comcept of some kind of afterlife and that was enough
for me. I walked around the graveyard which was very old. Some of
the graves were from the early 1800's. Some had crumbling bricks.
I looked inside one of the them and saw some bones. I wondered
where the rest of the person was. I wasn't afraid of death, just
curious about the spiritual and physical process of the afterlife. I
didn't ask my dad anymore, though, because I didn't think he knew.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the incredible presence of God in my mother's hospital room.
--What I think my (Williamson) culture needs to better learn about death is:
God does not cause death, He conquered it. Our choices about Him
will effect us eternally.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my mother was a bitter, depressed and disappointed person for
most of her life. At the very end of her life, with my spiritual
eyes I saw this lifted and experienced God's love and forgiveness
as she let go of all her resentment toward Him and took His hand.
I can't explain how I know except that He assured me that she went
into eternity with Him.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my relationship with God.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
regret that she waited until the last moments of her life on earth
to accept God's transforming love.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to express appreciation and encourage a sense that this relationship
will resume in the future. Say good-bye, gently come to closure
on important issues. but, if your faith allows, offer encouragement
that good-bye is not forever.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
resolved painful issues in our relationship and it's lifelong effect
on me through encouraging her to take God's hand at her time of need.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The hospital tried to explain why they always ignore do not
resuscitate orders in the operating room.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
humor is one of the ways God equips us to deal with stress. It was
a natural response for our family.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
focus my mother's attention (before her dementia) on the times she
had been a blessing to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
just grieve since my mother was thoughtful enough to prearrange
and prepay for her funeral.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I bought my mother a new dress for the funeral.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
we couldn't find her plot in the cemetery. The funeral home couldn't
find it on the map and we had to traipse around for a long time
(not with the casket). They kept apologizing. We thought it was
kind of funny.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my children go through a passage in their lives and I know she'd
enjoy being part of it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I believe what the Bible says about there being no more sickness,
no tears, no death, no evil in heaven. I think we would be (and
will be able) to communicate in an intimate, understanding way
that was absent in our time together on earth. We will be able
to focus together on things that are beautiful, holy, precious,
and true without cynicism, doubt, or dispair clouding the experience.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she was so unhappy and depressed for most of her life, but
she chose that. She wouldn't take her antidepressents and blamed
others for everything. She had some really bleak circumstances in
her early life. I wish she could have had things easier or that
I could have made them easier for her.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
provide my boys with more happy memories of their grandmother.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
made sure I found a good experience with my mother to remember
and made sure each of my children also found something precious to
remember even though they were not really close to her.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
critical care nurses and staff deal with death and dying on a regular
basis. The ones we encountered dealt with us with sensitivity,
compassion, and wisdom. Every one came to us and reassured us that
unhooking life support was the right decision.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
My mother was on medicaid and this made using hospice a bit of
a hassle. Her nursing home nurse felt she needed it but when we
pursued it, her oncologist felt she didn't. She died free of cancer,
but chemo is what weakened her body and caused her to be unable to
withstand the surgery. I would have liked to have given her that
experience in the three weeks between her fall and the surgery.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
very little. It wasn't the Organized church so much as the community
of faith, my relationship with the eternal God and His Son Jesus
Christ that offered me and my family the comfort and encouragement
we needed.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am now Assemblies of God. My dad is Catholic, my mother was
Methodist.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
real. God has allowed some people to view through near death
experiences a glimpse of heaven and hell. I believe every person
has an eternal spirit and a free will. I believe that spiritual
absolutes exist just as physical absolutes, like gravity exists. I
believe Jesus Christ's act of salvation is the pivotal spiritual
absolute determines each person's eternal future. Free choices
people make regarding Him determine their eternal future.
--Regarding MONEY:
she'd pre-paid her funeral and chosen the casket so that was
a relief. We are having to save for a headstone, so she doesn't
have one now. The expenses involved in transporting her body back
to her hometown where the funeral home and gravesite were were ours,
but we managed because we had to.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the healing that took place because some family members with whom
she'd had disagreements graciously came.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
having all those people bring food to my house and having to pretend
my kids would eat it.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the body starts shutting down system by system.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I started saying good-bye in my heart when she got sick. Not that
I had no hope, but 84 year-old women with cancer aren't going to be
around a real long time. I tried to deal with some of the issues
before she died so I could be emotionally available to her when
the time came and to my children after. This worked for me.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she didn't seem to have any at the time of her death. However,
several months before that, after one episode of heart failure she
told me Jesus had come and helped her.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
it hasn't happened to me or anyone I know, but I've read three or
four books and watched several television shows on the subject.
I think it is a valid experience. I think it is God's way of trying
to get some people's attention.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think I've pretty much dealt with most things. I am determined
to overcome the weaknesses of personality and emotional bad habits
I share with my mother that my mother allowed to fester in her
own life. God, my husband, my pastor, my close friends help me
with that.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I don't think I float too much.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
never heard anthing first hand. However, the night my mother called
to let us know my grandmother died, I had gone to sleep early.
I'd felt kind of sad and had gone to sleep praying for her. When my
husband woke up, I told him she had died before he had a chance to
tell me. I think the Holy Spirit just let me know someone.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
That DNR ought to be followed even in the OR!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
What a great adventure. All glory and no hassles. Complete
understand. Fellowship with God and renewed acquaintances that
will never be broken again. Not a bad deal.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
When there is someone important in my life I write them a letter
telling them how they've blessed me and influenced my life. I do
this regularly and save a copy of the letter. I got this idea from
a book by John Trent and Gary Smalley called "The Blessing." I
keep copies. I reread my letter to my mother and this gave me
assurance that I'd said what I really wanted to say to her.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
as I said before, I write those letters to people BEFORE they die
and say those things I don't want to wish I said AFTER they die.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
As a Christian I have a real assurance that death is the beginning
of an eternal existence that is an improvment on the earthly one.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
Other's fatalism. People who say things like "they're gone" and
"we'll never see them again"
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I pray for people, try to be encouraging, offer to watch their
children. I really appreciate how people stepped in and played
with my four-year-old who wasn't really focused on his grandmother's
death.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This helped me find words for the experiences I had
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Tue Sep 22 11:01:13 1998
Anonymous F Guest
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Prof/Studies: Professor
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Parents, 8 mos./3 mos ago.
Cause of Death: cancer/congestive heart failure; Aged: 69/80.
--Details:
both occurred at home with Hospice care.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transformation--similar to that of being born. Going from one
form of existance to another.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was excluded from the experience.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my paternal grandmother died of pneumonia.
My parents told me that she had died and left for 2 days to attend
the funeral. I was not involved in the funeral or other rituals.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
With my mother (8 months ago) a feeling of spiritual exaltation.
With my father (3 months ago) a sense of completion.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is a natural transition and I think, if possible, it is
easier to experience in a non-hospital setting. Also, there needs
to be more discussion about death--instead of silence and taboos.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
With both parents we had a final resolution of past problems, an
intimacy as we shared the final days and hours of life together
and a strenghtened sense of spirituality.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The combination of support from my husband, brothers, aunts, and
friends combined with a sense that we had done the best that we could
and had allowed my parents to die naturally and on their own terms.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The period prior to death which was filled with uncertaintly,
anxiety, fear and a terrific sense of spiritual and physical
tiredness.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to give them permission to go. To let them know that you will not
selfishly hold them if they are ready to let their spirit depart.
To listen to what they are saying--it often has tremendous impact.
And to be open to the spiritual as it occurs.
--[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have an incredible inner stength that I did not know I possessed.
I can rise to terrific challenges when needed to and I found a
depth of compassion within my heart that I did not know existed.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
we were told that death was only a matter of days or weeks.
You have few guideposts. There is not active dying, but a slow
slippage and a deep anxiety about what will happen next.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughing and crying are the same thing. I laughed a lot--sometimes
hysterically. I think i did this rather than cry much of the time.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
change my mother's clothes before the funeral home came to take her.
She was always immaculate and I wish I could have put her in a
beautiful robe rather than what she was wearing. I wish I had
stayed longer with my Dad's body before allowing it to be moved.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Share the experience with them and help them by my presence.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I looked at their dead bodies and knew that "there was no one home".
I understood the difference between body and spirit for the first
time.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The leaving of the body at the cemetery. I thought this would
really bother me. However, when the time came, I didn't feel I
was leaving the person I love--just an empty shell.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I still get teary-eyed for no apparent reason. Sometimes its a
season, a song, a look at their picture.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I am still so close to the other reality of life together that I
can't imagine it. I am still trying to adjust to the reality that
exists without them.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my mother, who had been so healthy, died so quickly and suddenly
with cancer, while my father, who had been ill for a number of
years lived.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Run away from all responsibilities and wallow in my grief.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt an acute sense of loneliness.Part of me felt very
childlike--wanting to be comforted by parents who were no longer
here.I had become the older generation and the grown up
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I found one really great doctor, but in general, I came to feel
that the medical community does not want to deal with death and
are often less than candid.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice was great because they told us what to expect--so we didn't
have to guess anymore. They more or less read us the script.And,
they kept both parents pain-free.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
My personal relationship with a former clergyman was very important
and helped me a great deal. The organized church was less than
helpful.
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist/Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
There was almost a sense of guilt because my parents were quite
well off. After their deaths, we had financial independence for
the first time.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
My mother's funeral which was held in a church was uplifting. My
fathers, held in a funeral home chapel, seemed flat and unsatisfying.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
My sense of exhaltation with my mother's death. I felt that she had
gone straight to heaven and was freed from pain and degeneration.
I was happy for her.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
In our case, both parents let us know that death would come soon.
It was not long until they began "separating" themselves from us in a
sense. They didn't want food or water and they were quite peaceful.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Grief has been a roller coaster ride. One day I am fine and the
next day I want to hide under the covers.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
both experienced it and expressed what they saw to us. It was
very comforting.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I was so fortunate that all issues were resolved.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I think they'd tell me how proud they were of me and how I coped
and helped them through the passage. I think they'd tell me to go
on with my life and that I shouldn't grieve forever.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My father woke me up and sat on the side of the bed. I stared into
a completely peaceful face and looked into his eyes. His eyes held
the wisdom of the ages and I was mesmerized.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think a good deal about my own mortality--suddenly I know that
the unthinkable can occur. It's scarey sometimes.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Sleeping in mom's gown, dad's shirt. Putting out a gardenia bush
in their yard.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
along with a strong family support system.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
My brothers and I helped one another and we all, in turn, helped
my nephews.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought back some of the positive feelings I had experienced
regarding my parents' death as well as making it a reality once
more by writing about it.
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Mon Sep 21 16:28:17 1998
F42 in willimantic, ct =usa=
Name: jody gaudette
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Prof/Studies: recovery, human services, hiv/aids
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More personal info:
sure i hope that i could help someone else
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--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i had my uncle visit me when i was a child. he died and thought
i killed him. he had cancer.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i believe the there are angels and spirits and they are all aroung
us all the time.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i need to talk and i don't need any one
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would tell them that i love them and i am very grateful for all
that they have done for me. it wouldn't change things because i
have already told them.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
at first i wasn't scared but after i had told grow-ups, that is
when i got scared. i thought that they would not believe me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
that i don't want to be hooked up to life-support, it only makes
things worse. please let me die.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
that i am trying to live a good life and i am giving back to others
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i talk to my higher power, which i call GOD and he helps to
understand and to cope with it. that i won't be alone.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i've gotten closer to GOD a feeling of peace.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
to help my mother and her family with the death of my uncle.
i made phone calls and was there if i was needed for any thing.
no i was ok with it.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was ok, i want more info
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no it was ok
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Mon Sep 21 14:09:08 1998
F34 in Scottsdale, Arizona =USA=
Email: <stacy-at-marquismortgage.com>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
link from Yahoo Social Science Psychology listings...
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Prof/Studies: Mortgage Business
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
?
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
James Van Pragh
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Hospital mis-diagnosis; Aged: 53.
--Details:
My father went to the hospital for a bleeding ulcer and when he was
admitted (before transport) they mis-diagnosed the severity and
filled him with 8 liters of fluid which ruptured his chest cavity
and filled his lungs....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of physical life on earth...we then pass on to another
dimension.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in my mid twenties and lost my Favorite Grandfather. It was
very devastating.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my Father died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I felt my life had just ended and wanted to join my father.I have
lost track of time. The many lives my Father touched also have
felt a great loss that they too seem to have never gotten over.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is natural and it doesn't need to be judged so harshly the way
people deal with Death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It forced me to grow up and be responsible for my life....I was
also blessed with a beautiful child.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My belief in Angels and that my father is still around me, just
not in the physical state.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
It was very selfish...I missed his physical presence, and knowing
I would never see him again was more than I could fathom.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Be calm, and supportive and listen to what ever they have to say....
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Respect and Admire him through his Death....He is still and always
will be my hero.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The doctors are able to detach themselves emotionally and
tell you it's time to turn off the machines....then they leave the
room and force you to deal with what is happening with absolutely
no explanation.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
My Father loved life and people...so every memory of him was
surrounded my laughter...he touched so many people and made so many
people happy, there was no way I couldn't laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I have no regrets when it comes to my relationship with my Father.
I was able to always tell him and show him how much I loved
him...that he was my hero...etc.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Continue on in my life.....
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My Father died with so much Dignity.....
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
ever I think about him....This is an event in my life that will
never leave me...I will always miss my Father's physical presence,
I miss his hugs most of all.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It is hard for me to even imagine my Father not Dying...so much
positive has happened since....I do know we would still be together
and my Father would still be helping other not as fortunate as he.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
He was a very Good, Strong, Compassionate, Giving Man....Why don't
that evil people die. But I know now that God takes the good,
they have so much more to do on the other side....they have done
all they can here.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
See him and Hug him one last time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
decided that disbelief in what happened was the only way I would
be able to continue through the memorial....and running our business.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Doctors are Human and DO MAKE MISTAKES.....even if it takes a life.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
somewhere I could go for a little peace and solitude in such turmoil.
I could turn to prayer to help answer the question of WHY.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
That all human life comes to an end, but we all go to a higher
dimension.
--Regarding MONEY:
My Fathers Sister sued me for any inheritance I was to recieve
....and also her greed allowed her to sue me for any inheritance
I would have received from My Grandmother's death....(my grandmother
is still alive and healthy!)
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How many people lives my Father touched...There were 2000+ people
at his memorial and so much support from the city in which we lived.
There were dedications and honors for the next year in his memory.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
A sort of relief for my Fathers short time of suffering.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I have gone through all the stages that they outline in the
books....Anything that you feel or do is correct. There is no right
or wrong way to feel as long as it does not cause anybody harm and
it doesn't cause harm to yourself.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My father was guided to the other side by his father...
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My best friend is terminally ill and has died on the surgical table
numerous times. She was visited by her Grandmother and by a close
friend telling her that it wasn't her time...to pass. She is ready
to die but they explained that they will come get her when it's time.
This put her much at ease with the preparation to die.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues with my Father. I am very lucky, he
and I had a very intimate emotional relationship. We were able to
talk to each other with absolutely no remorse or strains. I am very
grateful for this ability that the two of us had. Very few people
have this not only parental relationship and respct but he was my
best friend. He and I could speak to each other about anything.
When they describe unconditional love: we had it...
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Since my Father has always come to me in my dreams I have been
able to tell him everything I have felt I needed. Though he has
always known thru my life how I have felt about him. He knows how
important he was to me becoming who I am now. I have always wanted
to make him proud of me, and I still strive to do the same.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My Father comes to me in dreams quite often. He helps mesolve
problems and guides me to make the correct decisions. I have also
felt him in my presence many times. This is marked by my ability
to smell him. This has helped me tremendously in dealing with
his death. I am not as lonely without him here physically because
I now realize that his death was necessary for my life to continue.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My only concern is the wellbeing of my child. I am in the process
of making sure all my finances are in order so that I don't have to
worry about her being cared for. We are never too young to make plans
for our possessions / children / family in the untimely circumstances
when it comes to our death. The most difficult obstacle is when there
is no pre-planning. I do not want my family to have to deal with that.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am comfortable with my own Death..I feel that when it's my time
I'm comfortable with it....I would like to be a part of my Child's
youth....If I died during her youth I am comfortable that My Mother
would take good care of her.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I speak to my father all the time, and my grandfather, I talk as
though he is there all the time. I have been criticized by people
for this ritual, but it has definately helped me cope with my loss.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am much more accepting of death and I now realize that my
grieving is a personal selfish loss. I miss the person's physical
presence, but I realize the person is still a part of my life; it's
just not physical.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have tried to follow my Fathers Charitable tendencies. I have
continued to support the organizatons closest to his heart, and
the better my financial position gets...the more I hope I can do
in his memory.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Now that I am comfortable in discussing my Father's death the
experience was enjoyable...especially if I could in some way help
someone through the Death and Dying experience.
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Sun Sep 20 16:02:15 1998
F14 in Oregon =USA=
Name: Dezdemona
Email: <dezdemona-at-alloymail.com>
Web: http://WWW.angelfire.com/or/dezdemonasworld
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Just punched in Eugene.com
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Prof/Studies: School
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 ago.
Cause of Death: diabetic related heart attack; Aged: eight.
--Details:
I had just come back from visiting him with my sister over Christmas.
He had lived in Alaska and we both lived in Oregon. He died three
days later after we came home.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our soul leaves or bodies and goes to another dimension no
one really knows much about.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was eight years old. I did not really get upset or sad because I
knew that my dad was still with me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was my father died of a heart attack when I was
eight.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
People feeling sorry for me. I did not really want everyone's
sympathy.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not some horrible and demented thing. It is natural, and we
should not fear it because it will come to each of us eventually.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
learning more about death. I am not afraid of it after all that
has happened. My fathers death proved to me it was not some huge
big deal that always is dramatic like in the movies.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Music. I have always relied on music to help me through bad AND
good times. We always need a soundtrack to our lives, or at least
that is what I believe. There is always a song or album out there
that can relate to whatever we are going thru.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not knowing who my dad really was. I am now almost fourteen and I
feel like I did not get to know my dad as a person, I knew him as
a dad. There really is a difference, and sometimes I am ashamed
to say, when asked, I did not really know my dad, nor did he get
to know me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Although I have no experience other than my own suicide attempt,
and believe me, even before you act out on the plan, you are dying.
I think you should just listen to what they have to say, and
love them. I also think you should try and console them to the
best of your ability.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
do not fear death. I also want others to know not to think someone
"weird" because they do not fear death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I relized my dad never really got to know me. I could not understand
why he had to leave me so soon.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
you can not get to obsessed with someone dying. Other people are
alive and you gotta be there for them... *smile* besides, they may
want all the attention.....
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have asked my dad all about his life, what his thoughts and opinions
on several different things were. What his hopes and advice for
me would be. Also I would have liked to have had the opportunity
to have let him know who I was and would be.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Get thru it with out a lot of icky feelings.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I realized that my sister said to me before we got on the plane to
leave home was, "Stop crying, it isn't like you will never see him
again." That to that day still creeps me out.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
That it was some "miracle" that me and my sister got to see him
before he died at the same time.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think he never really got to know me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I am not really sure. I think I would be happy getting my dads
point of view on things. I would feel more normal.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had to die when I was so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Bring him back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
got a little upset, but I did not let it bog me down and take over
my life, even temporarily.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not a lot. I am not Christian. My father is baptist and my mom
a spirtualist.
--Religious Affiliation:
I used to be a Christian. I am more spiritual. I practice
Christianity, Buddhism, and Wicca. I do not believe that there is
a Satan, because to give evil a name gives evil power.
--Regarding MONEY:
How much we got from my dad. *smile* that is what everyone was most
concerned about.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was dumb. It was in Idaho there was no casket. I did not
know anyone there and it was really long and dumb. That is why
you do not let your aunts arrange a funeral unless they are cool.
My dad would of wanted either a really dramatic funeral or a Par-tay!
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I thought it was cool. I thought hey! my dad is dead, maybe I can
get stuff out of this... I do not think that now though.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
What the person looks like. My dad looked like my dad. But after
looking back at the pictures I took that week, he looked awful
and haggard.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I do not think he had any. I can not tell you that for sure though.
I do know that when I was in the hospital recovering from suicide,
I got the feeling that a male presence was holding me and I knew
it was my dad.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
When I was in the hospital I was passed out a lot. I felt very
far away and peaceful. I was warm and in a beautiful forest.
The some one "told" me, not in a voice though, that I needed to
be back in my hospital bed because I was not ready to be in the
peaceful forest. Maybe I was hallucinating, maybe I wasn't.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want to know all about them and would want them to know
all about me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have had contact with other spirits but none of my father, except
when I was in the hospital and it felt that he was holding me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want people to cremate me and put me in the Amazon River, and
the Nile River. *Laugh* Then I want to have a head stone in Stull
Cemetary. I think that we should respect others last wishes,
because they probably have a reason for these wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am young and do not feel I will every die. Even after comming
with in 5 mins. of dying I still feel it will never happen,
maybe it won't. I do know that if I do die, I willed be killed.
It will not be natural. I think I will be shot. I have always
thought this...I don't know why.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I just listened to music and found songs that could convey the
emotion I was feeling.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I do not fear death at all.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
I have always viewed death as something normal and natural so it
has never really bothered me.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Zoning Out
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish people had reached out less. I grew weary of the, "Oh,
I am so sorry to here that"
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think this was a good tool to show me exactly what I thought of
these different issues. I do not know why I believe all the things
I do though.
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Sun Sep 20 10:32:19 1998
F37 in Schaghticoke, NY ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Social Work
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 75.
--Details:
She had a history of congestive heart failure for the previouse
two years. It was a week before Christmas and she was shopping at
a local mall and apparently had a heart attack. There was not any
family members or friends with her. About 3 days later, we got a
card in the mail from a woman who was on the bench next to her when
she slumped over and let us know that it was not traumatic and she
had held her hand until the recue people got there. A true angel.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a moving on to a state of being that is mysteriuos and wondrous.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried, felt sick to my stomach, didn't know what to say.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was my Great Aunt Catherine who was a widow herself
with no children came to live with us after being diagnosed with
colon cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being alone. I was at home in NY waiting to go to a holiday party
when the hospital called from So. Mass. They were not able to get in
contact with my brothers who lived closer to her. I couldn't get
my brother to respond to his beeper and I was quite distraught.
I also was present at my father's death from cancer in 1991.
I was initially quite traumatized by his death. Although hospice
had told us he was beginning to experience some heart arithymias, I
was awake with him, alone in his room, when he asked for some powder
to be put on his back. I lifted him up to a sitting position and
turned around to get the powder when he fell over,died, and fell
out of bed and onto the floor. I was quite upset and the nurses aid
was not very helpful. She called for my brothers who had stayed in
the house that night and we lifted him back into bed. I felt that I
somehow I had contributed to his death. The head hospice nurse was
incredible in helping me understand that I was doing a loving thing
and he died knowing that and perhaps with the person who actually
could handle watching him die.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
is not to be feared and that there are lassons to be learned and
lives to celebrate.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I had this wonderful conversation with my Dad the night before he
died about who wanted to see most when he got to heaven. When I
shared it with my two brothers and Mom they were appaulled I waould
talk with him about that. I learned how important it was for me
to do that for me and the other person and also how I had come to
believe that death is to be talked about and not to be feared.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends/co-workers who when I returned from the funeral of my
father had gone grocery shopping for me including making meals and
freezing them so I didn't have to deal with that for a while. They
even bought me toilet paper!
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My brother had some resentments toward me and pulled back from any
emotional support after our Mom died
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to talk to them about what they are experiencing and then to shut
up and listen
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have contemplated death, after life, Spiritual beings, connectedness
to the universe etc...
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
guilt would rear its ugly head
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
can't remember laughing...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my Mom before she died. I hadn't seen her since October and
she died in Dec.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
rely on my 'fairly new' boyfriend. He removed the Christmas gift
I had for her in my trunk(and contributed it to a family in need)
the took my car and filled it with gas, checked oil and tires so I
could make it to my brothers with no car worries. I am so grateful
for him and he is my husband now!
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we would get cards or remembrances long after these deaths occured
or someone remembering the first anniversary and checking in on me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
wearing black
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am sitting on SAturday morning and the phone rings and I realize
it won't be my mother...4 years later
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I have had moments of visualizing my Dad helping with house projects
and perhaps my parents actually travelling to see me. I think they
would finally believe I was a woman since I have married since
their death and let go of the idea that I was still a teen.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
mostly when I hear about young children, teens or parents of
younger children.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see them again
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became very depressed after my Mom's death. I was unprepared and
although had a very intense spiritual base, I holed up in my apartment
that entire winter(after work) ate cream of wheat for dinner and
slept alot.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Hospice is Amazing...Doctors need more sensitivity training.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a mixed bag. My parents parish priest was wonderful...when I went to
speak to a local priest about some feelings of guilt and anger towards one
of my brothers, I was profoundly disappointed.
--Religious Affiliation:
I have found a Catholic Church that I attend occaisionally. For
the most part, I find daily solace in my oun prayers and connection
with my spiritual being
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like spirit energy coming all together making more and more loving
energy
--Regarding MONEY:
money that was spent on my father's medications that insurance did
not cover, and mostly my mother's worries about that.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
people whom I did not know who told me stories about my father's
generosities.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
some excitement to see people I hadn't seen in a while.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
hallucinations(??) or beginning to be on the bridge to death and
how normal that is and kinda cool.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I lost some of myself in the process, that I needed to have for
other parts of my life. I would stress to take care of yourself in
that process
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I watched my father fishing from his death bed..I know who ever he was
with was with him in one of his favorite activities and still is. He also
gave me his Mother's recipe for Pork and Saurerkraut that seemed to be
verbatim, verified by someone else besides him.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I had had a therapist throughout this anyways but she has been a
godsend in helping any issues that remained
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to have a continued conversation with my Mom about
our issues that I was completing resolution on, and reiterate how
much I loved her and carry her with me today.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I feel I've had signs. Like before he died he gave me some Susan B
Anthony silver dollars, which are not in circulation commonly. On
the day he died, I went up to the local deli and received one in my
change..since I was also carrying one he gave me, I became very
'dizzy' but new it was OK. But, the bigger occurence is that my
cousin who had been waiting for an adopted baby for years, recieved
that baby 3 days before Christmas. He was born on the day my Dad
died. Cool huh? At some point after my mother died, I had a dream
that I was teling her it was OK to go and Go to Heaven like I did
at my father's bedside.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My husband and I just bought a software will kit. He knows I wish
for organ donation and not to have any extreme measures taken if
I am to have brain damage.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Yes, and I feel at peace with it all. I believe very deeply that
whatever is next is peaceful and wondrous.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I put a porcelin beagle and fishing lure in my Dad's pocket before
thay closed the casket.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I pray more especially at night. I go to the grave anytime I'm in
RI and as far as I know, I am the only one who does that.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I had a friend whose sister was dying at the same time and we did
attend a support group together.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I am enjoying it because I feel so at peace with death and hope
that some of my experiences will be used to help others achieve a
path to that peace.
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Fri Sep 18 08:41:43 1998
M42 in nyc, ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: musician
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Love, Medicine and Miracles; Choices in Healing
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Bernie Siegel ; Michael Lerner
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 5 months ago.
Cause of Death: breast cancer; Aged: 48.
--Details:
Suffered slow torture by medicine, died from side effects of
treatment rather than cancer.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an exit from this plane of existence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt abandoned
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...Father died slow death from lung cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
stress, worry, grief
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to avoid the topic. To accept death as a part of life
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I was there with my sister when she most needed me and our
love was a tangible thing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
communication via the web with others in my position
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the collapse of the family
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
the most valuable thing one can give is time...the more time spent
with that person, the better you will feel when they are gone
--[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Put someone else first and gained from that
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the doctors gave no hope or further options
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it's a human response to terrible stress, a release
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her in capitals that she was the best sister
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my sister made her will
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear music that reminds me of her
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We would live near each other and share a business
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that her chances were so small to survive
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
not wake up
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt longing and sadness
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust and rage
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very unsatisfying
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not muh
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic/jewish
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
correct
--Regarding MONEY:
it went well, thankfully, due to good insurance
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that it was beautiful
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the desire to see the oven she was cremated in
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
trouble breathing, coma
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
denial wasn't such a bad thing. That hope is paramount through out
the process.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she had none
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My father was greeted by dead loved ones and was passing, my mother
called his name and he came back. he told her not to do that again.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
only "I love you", and that's all she would say to me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had a scarily vivid dream of my sister holding a stack of wedding
presents on her lap, I had just gotten married and she had wanted
to be there. I awoke crying and couldn't stop
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
nothing much
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don;'t give it any thought
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
sitting amoung her things after she died, talking about her with
my other sister and niece
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still have contact with the cancer support group on the net
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
loving reflection
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
denial by dying person
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
listening is the key word
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
interesting, but not especially helpful
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Sep 17 10:54:18 1998
M19 in Isal Vista, California ==
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Prof/Studies: Student, Business and Psychology
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Way of the Peaceful Warrior
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Dan Millman
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1month ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 80.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
as natural as being born there is a beginning and an end.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
learned from it and what will happen.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...MY grandmother died of old age
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it brought my family closer together
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's ok to die
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I will die some day
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
this is an invalid questionaire because you aren't asking questions,
you're having people complete sentences which may not to pertain
to everybody's situation
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Dying shouldn't be viewed as tragic, it should be treated as though
it were part of an everyday routine. it is completly natural its just
harder for people to accept, but if you learn to accept it. dealing
with it should be easy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Sep 16 15:07:22 1998
F17 in south Boston, MA =United States=
Name: Stacey
Email: <staceyh_99-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: hepititus b (spelling??); Aged: 41.
--Details:
my uncle was a vetran of the vietnam war. b/c of the war, he became
very sick and dillusioned. sometimes he would have flashbacks and
think he was back in the war. my uncle lost his grip on life and
began drinking. he had agent orage poisoning and eventually died
of hepititus b
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
for humans death is the end of our life on earth. death is when a
person is truly set free from the world and all its worries.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
i was in shock. i walked around like a zombie, not comprehending
anything. i eventually began crying..and crying..
--That first time, how it happened was
the first death i experienced was the death of my grandfather when
i was in the second grade
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my two little cousins that will never know their father. the pain
that i saw my mother and grandmother go through..
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death comes to everyone. there is no preventing death. death is
all a part of life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends and family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the times when you forget, for just one second, that they are dead,
and you go to look for them or you expect them to walk right through
the door like they used to everyday
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
dont deny them anything. grant them their last wishes. let them
know they are and always will be loved
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to get to know my uncle much more than i did. i never really paid
attention to the stories and lectures. now i wish i had
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my uncle's or grandfather's b-day comes around or when i find
pictures of me with them...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that i didnt get to say goodbye
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go away and be all by myself for the rest of my life
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cryed. but then i realized that i shouldnt cry for them. they feel
no more pain.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the medical community does no good
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
church meant nothing to me
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic by birth
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
what they say..what they ask for..how they appear like dazed or in
another world...how their breathing is..
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would just tell them that i love them and miss them and that they
still hold a place in my heart
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
sometimes i think i see my uncle walking down the street or hear
his voice. SOmetimes at night if its really quiet in my house,
i hear the oxygen machines that kept my grandfather alive for
so many months. one time i really believed he was inside my
apartment..machines and all, but he wasnt.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i think that the dying person's wishes should always be granted
b/c that is what they want and they trust you to do it. when i die
i know i would want people to do as i say, so i would never deny
that to someone else
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
im not really afraid of death. i understand that i will die on
day. i know i wont be around forever. i just am afraid of dying
while i am young.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i found that just talkin to other people and remembering things
about my relatives helped me cope with their death
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
i never think about it. im sad and cry when the person dies, then
just block it out of my mind
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
The questionnaire made me think alot about the deaths around me. i
understand that death is a part of life.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Sep 16 14:44:13 1998
F26 in Massillon, Ohio =United States =
Name: Tammy Fisher
Email: <tammyf-at-webtv.net>
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Prof/Studies: Benefits Counselor
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: congestive heart failure; Aged: 58.
--Details:
I received the call from the hospital at 10:30 p.m. on Monday,
August 31, 1998 that he had coded at 10:20. He had been revived but
was being moved to CCU. I was told to contact family. I arrived
at the hospital at approximately 10:50. I was with him although
I don't think he knew it between 12:15 and 12:30 a.m. I left to
get my sister and she was with him for a little while. She came
back into the room and said that the nurse said it was time for
the entire family to come. By the time we reached the end of the
hallway he had passed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
part of life. You are born.....and then you die. Your physical
body is left and is either buried or cremated. Your spiritual self
goes to Heaven to live with God, if you have received Christ.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
vaguely even remember it. I was surprised. I was in the 5th grade
and a classmates's mother passed away. I barely even remember
the occasion.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father has been ill (congestive heart
failure and related problems) since 1980. He passed away September
1, 1998. I turned 26 years old 2 weeks to the day later.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how I realized nothing will ever be the same again. I have
anticipated my father's death for years, but nothing could have ever
prepared me for the emotions I would feel when it finally happened.
--What I think my (United States ) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to talk about it. Death is an uncomfortable subject -- one that
was rarely if ever discussed in my family even though my father's
death was inevitable. I have never really discussed death with
anyone before -- stranger or friend.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my dad is no longer suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
those people that didn't want anything from me -- that just wanted
to be there for me. To listen if I needed to talk and to talk if
I needed to listen.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
coming to grips with the finality of the situation. Like I have
mentioned previously, I knew my father was going to die.....I
never imagined actually living life never talking to him again,
never hearing him laugh, never having him tick me off for teasing me.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
finally am able to really prioritize my life. Things that once
affected me to the point of anger just don't mean quite as much
anymore.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my father died when we expected him to come home -- like every
other time in the past 7 years.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk with my father about his impending death. When we did talk
about it, we would say things like "in case something happens".
I'd love to have been able to talk to him about how much I was
going to miss him and if he was at peace with God, of if that was
even important to him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
attend his calling hours and funeral. I had pictured these events
in my mind over and over and they always contained me having a
nervous breakdown to the point where I wouldn't be able to be
physically present.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would treasure it so much more. And not be "afraid" to talk about
"tabboo" subjects because after all, no one knows when they are
going to be gone forever.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I have always thought that none of this was fair. My father was
58 and had been sick for so long. Why was he sick and why did he
have to die. But then, nothing is fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be with him for just a few more good hours to have that one talk
that I want to have with him and to end it with, "Daddy, I love you"
and hear him say, "And I love you too."
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
thought (still think) I am losing my mind. Is it like this for
everyone?
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratefulness. They did everything they could and were so
compassionate to my family when he passed.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I have felt a strong pull toward my faith, which I strayed away
from many years ago. I'd like to think that my father knew and
accepted Jesus, even though it was something we never talked about.
--Religious Affiliation:
Non-denominational
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like we all have lost.....and we all know that pain.
--Regarding MONEY:
for once, we never really had to worry about. My father had pre-paid
for some of the expenses, and we knew there was enough insurance
money to cover the remaining expenses. We will be forever grateful
that we were able to bury my father the way we did, versus having
to lay him to rest in a pauper's grave.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
many more people came than what I thought would. I learned my Dad
touched many people, and they all loved him.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
picking out the casket and having the funeral director lay my
father's suit that he would be wearing inside the casket to see if
the "colors would match". Like I cared.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
there would none. This will forever mystify me. I thought I'd
know it was happening and sit by my father's beside holding his
hand and it didn't happen that way.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I just want to make it out as quickly as I can.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my father never shared anything like this with me.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I don't feel there are any unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
That he loves me and I love him and that he'll be walking with my
son and I for the rest of our lives.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I was to have everything ready. The services will be paid for,
clothing and flowers and music and casket all selected. My will
will have been made and everything will have been allocated.
I want to put nothing more on my family than making a phone call
to tell the funeral director that there needs to be a service.
They will have enough to deal with. However, on the flip side of
that coin, I think that busying myself with the details helped to
keep me sane during that time.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Knowing that I was going to die soon would shake me to my core.
I would be devestated to know that I would never watch my son grow
up -- he's only 2-1/2. But I'm also a little calmed to know that
I'll see my father again.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
My son attends a daycare located inside a church. Every morning
and evening when I get him or drop him off, I stop inside the
chapel and either kneel at the altar or sit in the front pew.
It calms me tremendously.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
I am still so new.....it's only been 2 weeks. I'm trying to
read some books but I just feel like I'm barely surviving right
now.....wondering if I'm going crazy.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
I haven't yet met anyone who has lost a parent that I can really
talk to. Most people are older than I am or are losing their
grandparents -- not their parents.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Sep 16 08:46:52 1998
F18 in Pittsburgh, pa =USA=
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
any Chicken Soup for the Soul book
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
??? I forget
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: aneurysm; Aged: late 50's.
--Details:
The last time I saw her alive was at my best friend father's
layout. A couple weeks later she passed out due to an aneurysm in
her brain and never woke up after the surgery. My family had to
make the hard decision to take her off life support. I was thirteen
at the time and my sisters and cousins were 6 and 9 my mom figured
since my cousins were not attending the funeral and that was their
grandmother then us girls shouldn't go either. That had caused me
the most trouble with accepting her death. I think my age should
have been taken into consideration compared to the age of my cousins
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was about six years old and very close to
my great grandmother. One morning my mom told me that she had died
in her sleep last night.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
summer come when we used to go swimming at her house or especially
Thanksgiving that we had there every year and still do. Also now
htat I have about five new baby cousins since she was born that
she would have loved to known
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My aunt visisted a psyhic who talks to people who have moved on and
says she talked to me great aunt. There are some things that she
said that made me as skeptical as I was start to wonder if maybe
she did talk to her.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I am currently and EMT for two depts. I plan to become a paramedic.
I want to do everyhting I can to help people and save someone's life
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
For my great aunt's death I was not allowed to attend the funeral
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Sep 15 21:08:33 1998
F34 in Springhill, florida =usa=
Name: virginia wagner
Email: <carmela24-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: caregiver/nurse student
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More personal info:
In a state that has a very high rate of geriatric patients I was
and still am appalled that there is little regard for the wonderful
productive lives of our elderly. The lack of concern from many
children towards thier elderly parents eludes me too. If we would
all think of ourselves in thier shoes maybe we would walk that
extra mile to ensure better care, love and understanding in the
transitions of life.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was..my mother inlaw passed away and father in law
was very disabled by TIA strokes. moved from ohio to florida to
take care of him.in 1year 9 months he slowly deteriated to fully
bedridden catheter, feed tube nebulizer treatments.After 1 month
of being in hospital twice he succumbed to the infections one day
after comng home (that was our promise "no nursing home; he could
live and die in peace at home."
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
knowing I tried my best to keep him loved, safe,comfortable,and
secure thru the process.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Sep 15 17:31:27 1998
F21 in Brooklyn, New York =U.S.=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: no job, Community Health and Human Human Services
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 10 months ago.
Cause of Death: homocide; Aged: 20.
--Details:
It was domestic violence. Her husband killed her. He is still
out there. He even has their 4 year old son.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried because I felt I never had a chance to say good bye. I know
I was young but I had, and still do, have feelings. Now I carry
the burden of knowing I can never say goodbye.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my greatgrand mother died of natural causes.
I was very close to her even though I was only two years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I remember her mother feeling so depressed. she could not focus.
She mother even miscarried because us the death of her daugther.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
nothing
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to tell my feirnd that I loved her. She died so
suddenly.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
loved my best friend. She never know how much I loved her.
She always gave me enouragment to go to school and study. I wanted
to be just as smart as she was. I miss her sobad. I never realizrd
then that I would miss her constant talking. When she was alive
she talked so much that I could walk away from the phone and she'd
never know. She would just run her mouth. I miss her talking.
I miss her high pitch voice. I miss her educating me on anything.
I wish I could tell her all these things.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say I'm sorry to her for not lending her a sleeping bag. But I
needed it . Being that she is so stuborn, she didn't give me a
chance to tell her why I couldn't lent it too her. I wish I could
tell her that ti loved her. I wish I could tell her that I wish
she would leave me some of her things. I wish I could laugh again
with her about men and their stupid ways.(smile)
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be her friend and have known her. I am thankful that I shared great
times with her. I'm glad I was there for her when she was alive.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
My mother always was afraid of death so she never allowed me to be
around it.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Sep 15 13:31:58 1998
F17 in Boston, MA =USA=
Name: Theresa D
Email: <Sweeti9206>
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Prof/Studies: Death and Dying course
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, yrs2 ago.
Cause of Death: sickness; Aged: 86.
--Details:
She was in the hospital and I believe she died because of her heart.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our lives here on earth. We then move on to our eternal
life in heaven with God.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was sad and quite shocked at how it can just happen all of the
sudden when you least expect it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandmother died two years ago after being
ill for sometime.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The feeling of the lose of someone we deeply loved.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I'm not sure if there is anything my culture needs to learn better
about death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It brought my family together in a way.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I think the most support for me over all was the feeling that she
was now in heaven. I just kept thinking that over and over again.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Relizing that I wouldn't see my grandmother anymore.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
overcame her death and moved on with my life.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was just me trying to overcome the sadness of it all.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye and tell her that i loved her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Go to the funeral.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I went to the wake, the whole family was together and it it just
felt good.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
something reminds me of her. At christmas we always went over her
house and it has been sad the last couple of years without her
around at christmas time.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I feel thats it not fair how loved ones are taken away from us.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just see her one more time and say things that i didn't get to say.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I felt sad. Thats true at first it didn't really affect me all that
much but then the day of the funeral it really hit me that she was
gone and thats when i wanted to cry.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I feel the medial community did all they could for my grandmother -
it was just her time to go i guess.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
It meant to me that my grandmother was in heaven. I kept praying
that she was and was happy with god.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone was sad yet was happy she was in heaven now
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The burial
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
no nothing like that has happened to me
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Well my grandmother for some reason didn't want to be waked in the
place that she was waked (or so my dad says). I feel my aunt(who
did most of the planning could have thought about what she would
have wanted more.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Well I relize death can occur at anytime yet i don't really think
to much of it happening to me. Probaly because i don't want to die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I prayed that she was in heaven.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Knowing that my grandmother was in heaven and not in any pain
anymore.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
I just wondered if she really was in heaven.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
The support from families and friends are very important.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionaire made me think back about the expierence i had
with death and made me recall how it felt at the time and how it
feels now.
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Tue Sep 15 13:29:22 1998
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: heart problems; Aged: 93.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
moving on continuing in life. going to heaven
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very confused and didn't know what was happening
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my grandfather who died of cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mother telling me not to cry
--What I think my culture needs to better learn about death is:
a time to join others that have passed and that you need time
to grieve
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my best friend comforting me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
to realize I could never call 'Momo' (who is my grandmother) again
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Tue Sep 15 12:00:59 1998
F17 in dorchester, ma =usa=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 2 0r 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: ?.
--Details:
i remember when he dies i had a colorguard competition...i was
getting ready to perform on the floor at around 7:30. Before i went
on the floor i started getting really bad pains in my chest and my
stomach hurt a lot. I thought it was just because i was nervous. When
i got home there was a message on the answering machine with my
aunt on it saying that my uncle peter had died at 7:30, which was
the same time that i was going on the floor.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
death is when we stop living because that's just what happens.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was my friend todd's mother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mom crying at the kitchen table
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
not necessarily talking to that person...just sitting there and
crying with them or listening ot them.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my friend shea said that she had a dream that her grandmother came
to her. i fell this kind of dream is kind of comforting, but if i
was in the situation i tmight be different.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i dont wanna die..it really scares me. i'm really scared of what
happens to me and i'm scared of not going toheaven.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i havent dealt with death too much but i know that i would cry and
scream a lot.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
i didnt really know her...i did but i wasnt that close..it was
seeing todd hurt that made me hurt
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i really couldnt answer a lot of the questions because i dont really
have too much experience with death. i wasnt sure what to put for
a lot of these answers - sorry
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Tue Sep 15 09:15:14 1998
F22 in Aalborg, =Denmark=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 12 years ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 70.
--Details:
Long and agonizing illness. He wanted to die himself.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our physical lives. Our bodies stop functioning. Some
cultures believe that something continues to exist after death,
but that has never been proven.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Felt really detatched, as if it had nothing to do with me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My maternal grandfather died after being sick
for 3 months.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My mother crying.
--What I think my (Denmark) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to be afraid of Death. Not to flee from it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I learned not to fear death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My own thoughts when I was alone.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
To have to be with others and not be able or allowed to be alone
enough to deal with the grief in my own way.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Learned that not everybody fear death.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend some more time with my grandfather at my confirmation, which
was the last thing he attended to before he went to the hospital.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Think logically about death and come to the conclusion that I am
not afraid to die.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Seeing my grandfather lying dead in the bed at the hospital.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about the future deaths of the ones i love.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would see my grandparents more often.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That he should die on the last day of school, just before our old
class was split up for good. Cruel, selfish thoughts often prevail.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk to the ones who have died.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Pushed it aside for the time being, because my mother needed my
help and support.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Cold and inhospitable hospitals.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
For me - nothing. For my parents - a beautiful funeral.
--Religious Affiliation:
Protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Like the truth. I believe that there is only one Spirit and only
one Death.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
To have to grieve all the time. Ofcourse you were sad, but sometimes
it can also fill you with an immense pleasure of and urge for living.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want people to be honest about me when I die. Nothing of the usual
of praising the dead person to the coulds and forget or beautify
ugly things. The ones left behind can decide what is to be done
about the funeral. I won't care then.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I know and accept that I must one day die. It is the natural order
of things. I would like to know that I would die soon, because it
would give me the opportunity to end things orderly, to do things
I wanted to do before I die.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Waking up every morning and be grateful for another day. Going to
bed every evening with the feeling that if I should die this night
I would regret nothing.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
Reflection over death and what might be after life.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I reached out to my mother by simpley being there when she was
sad. By always lending her my attention when she needed it.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I didn't need to rethink my feelings about death and dying. I
no longer think of death with fear, only with a certain amount
of remorse.
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Tue Sep 15 08:00:47 1998
F17 in DORCHESTER, MA =USA=
Name: Sarah Gouthro
Email: <sgouthro-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: LUNG CANCER/EMPHASIMA; Aged: 60'S.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
THE END OF LIFE.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
DID NOT HOW TO REACT
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a GIRL THAT LIVED DOWN THE STREET FROM ME
WAS IN A TERRIBLE CAR ACCIDENT. SHE WAS A GOOD FRIEND TO ME AND
SINCE SHE WAS OLDER THAN ME, SHE USED TO TAKE CARE OF ME IN A LOT
OF WAYS. ONE DAY I FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS IN A CAR CRASH AND WAS
ON LIFE SUPPORT, THE NEXT DAY SHE DIED. MY MOTHER WOULDN'T LET ME
GO TO THE WAKE, BU I WENT TO THE FUNERAL.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
THE HUGE FEELING OF SADNESS AND HELPLESSNESS
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
THAT IT WILL HAPPEN TO EVERYONE
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
BEING ALONE
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
THE THOUGHT OF NEVER SEEING THAT PERSON AGAIN
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i COUNLDN'T FIND A WAY TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS WITHOUT MAKING OTHERS
FEEL WORSE
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
THAT WAS WHAT I HAD TO DO, SO I DID IT!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
MAKE TIME FOR THE PEOPLE I HAVE LOST. I DIN;T REALLY KNOW MY
GRANDFATHER, SO I FOUND IT HARD TO REALLY MISS HIM ONCE HE WAS GONE
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
CRIED
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
i JUST TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
NO ONEREALLY TAKED ABOUT IT WITH ME
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Mon Sep 14 17:28:04 1998
F17 in roslindale, massachusetts =united states=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Prof/Studies: student,cashier
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident by a drunk driver; Aged: 15.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a part of life that we all will have to deal with and go
through. Death is a part of each one of our lives. We are brought
into this world to live and also to die. Death is a process in which
we lose someone in our lives, whether they be close to us or not.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know how to deal w/ it. I was very emotional. I was also
confused and had a lot of questions . for ex. why did it happen
to such a good kid? How? stuff like that. I also wanted to talk to
someone but I didnt think people would understand but it turns out
all my other friends were thinking the same thing and we all ended
up helping each other out.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my friend died in a car accident b/c this
other kid that we also went to school w/ was driving drunk w/
out a license in the state and they hit a tree...the car split
in half and he died instantly while the driver walked away w/
a few bruises...this was hard b/c he was loved by everyone and he
was such a good kid...another sad part is that he was only 15 yrs
old and had the rest of his life ahead of him...i dealt w/ it ok
b/c i know now that he's in a better place and that everyone has
a destined time and place to die, i just wish his wasn't that way.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it made me realize that life is truly precious and don't have the
attitude " It wont happen to me".
--What I think my (united states) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that yes its a hard part of life, but it's also something we have
to do and I think that it is a better place for each of us after
we live our destined lives.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that we will always remember him and i will try and take this
experience and learn from it in the future.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends and my time by myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that when i went to schools,parties,any activities whatever taht
he would no longer be there w/ us.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them tell you how they feel..if they want to cry,laugh,talk
whatever hten do that w/ and for them. Dont say anything until they
are done with what they want to do and also try and help them say
goodbye to their loved ones.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am a strong person and will treasure what i had w/ that person and
that i can say i knew him and that we were good friends b/c he was
a special part of my life. He was a good friend.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why did he have to die at such a young age in such a hard way? I
just didn't know how to deal w/ the loss.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
if you dont smile then your going ot be miserable and i dont think
that he would want all of us to be upset b/c thats how he was.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say bye to him and if i was at hte same place to take the keys away
from the driver.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help my other friends who werent as strong as i was.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the driver went to the funeral and apoligized in front of everyone
especially the kids parents. I mean i know that won't bring him
back but in a sense it gives him forgiveness and in a way allows
all of his loved ones(my friend who died)some kind of resolvement.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
how they put a big thing about it in the paper. we all wanted
everyone to know who he was and what a good kid he was and how
important to all of us that he was.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about losing someone that is even closer to me then my
friend was. for ex. when my brother almost got killed in a car
accident i dont know what i would have done or if i lost my parents.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he had to die like that and at such a young age.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
forget it ever happened.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried alot. I also called his parents and gave them my respects.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
forgiveness, a sense of community.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i think that he watches us and looks down on us.
--Regarding MONEY:
none
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how we all went together as a group to remember our friend and
to show everyone that we were dedicated to him and that he was a
special part of our lives.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
it didnt hit me till a few days.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that i care about him and hes a really good kid and that life will
offer him all his hopes and dreams. it would in a sense give me
a closure.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
spending time by myself...getting to knwo myself better and informing
kids about drunk driving. also just being and grieving w/ my other
friends.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me think about the whole situation and how hard it was. it
also made me think about him and i miss him very much.
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Sun Sep 13 22:42:09 1998
M27 in MD =USA=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
survey says
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 years ago.
Cause of Death: Lou Gerhag's disease; Aged: 64.
--Details:
This was also sudden, usually disease takes years and is a gradual
killer, but her range from blatant symptoms to death was approx
1 year.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The permanent shut down of all our physical systems. Controversy
exists considering alternate post-death existence. These theories
usually originate in some type of religion.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was at 7, but took it well
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandfather died of a medical condition
when i was 7. This was a sudden event.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Asking person if they were scared, they replied no, I was surprised.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It often comes with out warning.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It helps you to be grateful for what you have and keeps you careful
in what you choose to do.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Missing them, and realizing my day will come
--Religious Affiliation:
independent - bible based
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
false
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
very scared of death, first and second. Dont want to miss out
on the future, want to see everything. Want to make to heaven,
want to be right about heaven.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
nothing
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Sun Sep 13 22:29:17 1998
M29 in Madison, Wisconsin =United States of America=
Name: Brad James Beske
Email: <bjbeske-at-facstaff.wisc.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Press operator/English major
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Illusions; Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy; Good Omens; Sandman
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Richard Bach; Doug Adams; Terry Pratchett/Neil Gaiman; Neil Gaiman
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: internal bleeding; Aged: mid 80's.
--Details:
He was hospitalized on a Tuesday and died on Sunday.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is change. An ending and a beginning.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand it fully. The second death, the death of a
friend, made me angry and lonely. I understood much more then,
as I was in highschool.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grat grandmother passed away in her sleep
at 93. It was rather passive and accepted. We missed her but I
probably didn't fully understand it. I was around 5.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Not being able to approch the casket. From a distance, it did not
look like my grandfather, so I chose not to approach it as I wanted
to remember him as I last saw him alive.
--What I think my (United States of America) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is a natural occurance. It happens.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It made me think about reality and existance and belief.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Music. Once I started losing friends and relatives at a more
cognitive age, I dealt with death through writing and listening
to music.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing they are no longer in this world, experiencing things at
the same time and same way as I am.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
n/a
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
overcame my fears and faced the reality of it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
remembering the person just after they were gone. A clash,
or collage, of images in my head. Tagging those images with "No
Longer Available."
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
n/a
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
experience a part of their lives.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I would converse with them in past memories. A way of rememberring
them, I suppose.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I focus on the fact I will never share with them again on this
plain of existence.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Perhaps that's what happens when we sleep.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
No one said life was fair. Life just happens.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
expand my cognative horizon to see onto other plains of existence.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
began to think of how I would deal with people's deaths that are
even closer to me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
understanding.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Sometimes accpeting death, sometimes fearing it as punishment. I
don't think that's too healthy now.
--Religious Affiliation:
I grew up in a non-denominational Christian setting, but now I
believe what Shakespeare said was true: "There are more things in
Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophies."
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I believe the only connection death has for us is that it comes
for us all. There are too many good and bad ways to die for me to
believe there is a Spiritual connection in the sense of a "bond."
Death is just doing Her job.
--Regarding MONEY:
non exisitent. Never entered the picture.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
When I played and sang a song from the back of the funeral parlor.
I could not approah the casket.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
When my father asked me if I wanted to "play a gig" the day his
father died.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
people die for many reasons. I don't think of the leading up
to death. When it happens, it happens. Looking for it seems to
me to be dwelling on it.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
music helps. Sooths anger, builds passion, creates bonds and
understanding.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a. Only in past memory conversations. Or past "projections."
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I may have died during surgery once, or at least my heart may
have stopped. It wasn't made clear to me, but I noticed nothing
as I was heavily drugged before hand. Plus, two concussions later,
I may have just forgotten about what happened there.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I felt resolved with all of them.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
It helps me accept their dying. It sometimes helps to clear my
thinking and imagine what they would say and do.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
As I said before, it's more like past memories projecting to a
current situation. Like "what would Azi say if he were here." That
kind of thing.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
People can set up whatever they want before they die. But once
they are gone, they should worry about what's going to happen,
it's the people that are left that have to deal with it, so let
them deal with it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It's one thing to know you are going to die, it's another to know
you are dying. I'd rather not know when I was going to die, but
if I were going to, I'd stop worrying about it, because it's "One
Less thing," you know? As far as my own death, I hope it will do
some good. Be usefull, that kind of thing.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Walking alone and remembering. Listening to music that I shared
with that person. Watching moving films. Something to get the
emotions out.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
try to focus on the now, as it is all that you have. Tomorrow will
take care of itself. Don't be planning so far ahead that you
miss today.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wrote songs and sang for others and myself. Sometimes, I think
just being left alone is a good thing.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think it was a healthy experience.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no, I feel the questions were posed respectively and intellegently.
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Sun Sep 13 22:06:27 1998
M17 in , =United States=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
searched for psychological tests
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: car wreck; Aged: 17.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when physical life ceases.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and didn't really understand it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the death bothering my mother.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that life is precious.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
strength of mind.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing the effect it had on the people around me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didn't actually end up laughing out loud, but I did feel the
urge to. I don't really know how to explain it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
apologize and explain things to the deceased person.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
I was very young, and did not understand it very well.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
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Sat Sep 12 19:54:59 1998
Anonymous Guest in =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: motor cycle accident; Aged: 20.
--Details:
He swerved to avoid hitting a motorist coming out of their driveway.
He hit a culvert and then a telephone pole. His helmet came off and
he broke his neck. He stood right up afterwards and then he fell,
and they couldn't resesitate him. He was declared dead on site.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
learning to accept that someone we once knew and could talk to or be
with when we wanted to is no longer around to do this with. They are
in another place where they can see us, but we cannot see them.
It is a place far away from everyday life. It is like they moved
to a remote place where you cannot ever make contact with them again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried so hard because I felt guilty because he was my boyfriends
good friend who he hadn't seen in a while because he was always
busy with me. I felt so bad and i cried for him dying so young.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a young man, 20, that used to live with
my boyfriend and whom he was close to. He died in a motor cycle
accident and he died pretty much instantly. I knew he would kill
himself and I prophetically said so several times, only making me
feel worse.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My boyfriend comforting his other friends who were devastated and the
boys mother coming to the funeral because her father died the same
day and she hadn't viewd the body til the day of the funeral, she
screamed it wasn't him and was hysterical in front of everyone... it
was horrible
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is the one thing you can count on in life and it is inevitable.
We need to live each day as the last.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It made me realize that life is precious and today may be my last
day. Accidents happen and your life can be taken away in seconds
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My boyfriend. in helping him deal i healed myself
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
losing someone I used to share good times with and knowing I will
never laugh with them again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
they will remember you for it
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
still hurt, but go on with my life because I am still alive.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I tried accepting death as a reality. It is intangible and
unrealistic. It's something you hear about daily, but are unwilling
to accept.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was thinking about the good times and the way he made me laugh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Make peace with this person and share some more good times with him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
support my boyfriend when he needed it.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
His friends got up and spoke and said they would go skiing in
dedication of him the next winter because he had planned on going
and they would take him in spirit
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
his helmet smashed, everyone wanted a piece of it, i thought it
was macabre
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i drive by where he is buried
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
not much differnt, i probably would still live far away and not
see him much, but i would know he was alive
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was so young, it wasn't his time
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring him back for my boyfriend
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was very solemn, knowing it could have been my boyfriend or anyone
else. Life became very precious to me
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
I just don't think about it that much, it's as if we just don't
see him
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
it was the worst thing i have ever experienced
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Fri Sep 11 23:02:54 1998
M21 in Marshall, Missouri =USA=
Name: Giles P. Kiser
Email: <gilespkiser-at-hotmail.com>
Web: http://WWW.geocities.com/Area51/Hollow/6251/
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
a link from Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Grain elevator operator
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age and diabetes; Aged: 91 or 92.
--Details:
She just got old. Her body started to fail her.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end. Take your heart and tear it from your body. It eats away
at your soul.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 2 and a half. I hardly even remember any of it, just feelings
mostly, feelings of loss and sadness.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I got to say good-bye this time. I never had the chance before,
but this time I did. Grandma Ruth's death brought us close,
at least for a while. She was the tie that held us together,
I think we are a stronger family because of her.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is not the end, there is heaven. It almost seems like
we're not afraid to die anymore, because we have no fear of God.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When my dog Duke got hit by a truck, a few months after we got Babe.
She was one of the best dogs a boy could have ever had, and I would
have never had gotten her if Duke hadn't had died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
God.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
When my Grandma Kiser died. She was the neatest lady in the world,
but I shyed away from her when she got cancer. I was only 11-12 and
I didn' have any idea what cancer was, I was afraid of getting it.
I lost precious moments with her because I was scared of something
that was never going to happen. Now I'll never get that time back.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
talking to them as though nothing is wrong. Get thier minds off
of the illness or the broken body. Make them laugh one more time.
Believe me, the memories of those laughs will help you through
the pain.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
went to the visitation and sat down by his son, a kid who's grown up
with me from the beginning, and I made him laugh. I pushed back my
grief to make Kyle feel better. I felt like a better person for it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I wondered "why?". Why would God take my Grandmother from me at
a time at which I'd hardly remember her? Why did he take Johnny
from his family and friends? Why would a god that is supposed to
love us do this to us?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter truly is the best medicine.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to Grandma Kiser some more before she died. I wish I could
have heard the stories that my Grandpa told me that Grandma told
him when he was just a boy. I wish I could have known her better.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say goodbye to Grandma Ruth before she died. I got to know her,
to hear the stories, to really feel as though we knew each other
as few family members do. It made her death bearable, when if I
hadn't have talked to her I don't think I could had beared it.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Everyone, and I mean everyone, consoled me about Grandma Ruth's
death. She was one of those people that helped forge a community.
I was amazed at just how many people loved her so dearly.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The blasted dinner. Who cares who brings what. I'm in no mood
to eat. Everyone is there to talk about their memories of the
deceased, but at that ends up getting talked about was who forgot
to bring the pudding!?!
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at thier pictures.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be relishing every moment spent with them. Taking it all
in as if they were to leave tomorrow.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
All the time.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
beat the holy hell out of something.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. I felt sorrow for the loss of someone I held high.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
neutrality. I felt that if they could have done something they
would have done it, but there was nothing left to do.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
that the nurses just didn't care enough. They don't seem to realize
that the live of entire families are in upheaveal at that moment.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a chance to remeber that hopefully one day we'll be re-united
in heaven.
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist (current)
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we all need reassurance that death is not the end.
--Regarding MONEY:
of the hospital bills. Enormous.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people loved Grandma Ruth. The church was packed.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
finding a quiet place to read a book.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Mental lapses that increase with age, they move slower and seem
brittle.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
remebering the good times and the laughs, and not dwellign on the
death itself is the easiest way to get past it all.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
After Grandma Kiser died, I did nothing but cry. One night I dreamt
she came to me and told me it was going to be all right. I woke
the next morning feeling happier than I'd ever felt in my life.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nothing like that has ever happened to me.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I resolved everything with Grandma Ruth.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you and will always be there for you when you need me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
it was total comfort. Joy. Happiness.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
You should always follow the last requests of the dead, and NO ONE
should change the wishes in any way.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would like to make my peace with those I loved but lost down the
road somewhere.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Walking in the woods by myself just thinking about the deceased.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
none
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish my estranged girlfriend at the time would have been there
for me. I wished she would have acted like she gave a damn.
That would have helped tremendously.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me remember those that I had lost and loved. I cried,
but a good cry is helpful once in a while.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
all written weel enough for me.
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Fri Sep 11 10:33:13 1998
Anonymous Guest
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Friend ]
my teacher told me to go here
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: a type of cancer; Aged: 14.
--Details:
ji sung had, been living with cancer since he was 12 years old,
not knowing about it he just went on and never told me believing
in the doctors that he would get better and that everything would
be okay in the end.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
diffrent to diffrent people. to some they see it as a new beginning
for others it is an end, and for still others they know nothing
about it. for me it is a difficult issue to think about, because
i have no religon and dont belive in anything i dont really get
strength to talk about it, the reason i wanted to take death and
dying was because i knew that if anything could prepare me for
dealing with the inevitable fact it would be this class.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
went into my room, sat on my bed staring at the picture of him,
then the tears came, it got to the point where if i didnt stop i
would have made myself sick. all i could think about was the fact
that i never got to say goodbye, never got to see the person again
before it happened and basically my guilt is what is goin through
my head 24/7 now. all i can think of is that i will never see this
person again for as long as i live.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...the last person who died that i can remember
was my friend ji sung, he died of cancer during the summer, i didnt
know that he had cancer until after he died. his mother called me and
told me that he had past away and that there wasnt goin to be a wake
and that he was being buried back in korea, which was his last wish.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fact that i can never set things straight and the overwhelming
guilt of the fact that i took him for granted so much is what makes
me want to curl up under a blanket and just stay there. words can
never express what he ment to me, we had a mutual understanding for
two people from totally diffrent back rounds we got along better
than i do now with some of my own family.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
the fact that it is not negotiable, you cannot get away from it
and there is nothing that can stop it from happening to you it isnt
possible to stop it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the fact that when he went ji sung went peacefully. he was never
in pain at the end, and just as i had wanted for him when he got
old his last breath was an easy one and he just closed his eyes
and went home.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the fact that i knew that i couldnt be a burden to other people,
i knew that i wasnt the only person who knew and loved him but as i
read in his journal ( his mom wanted me to have it) he was closest
to me than anyone else that he could think of. i have no specific
faith to speak of and no one in my family save my mom knows about
it because i cant stand to be pitied and given sympathy to the
point where i just want everyone to go away and leave me alone,
i have my own strength and my own way of dealing with things.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
coming to the reality that i would never see the person again. and
the point that still bothers me is why he didnt tell me that he
was sick and that there was a chance that he might die. also the
fact that he was only 14 years old and hadnt experianced anything
yet save his first kiss.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned about how much people take for granted and that you never
know what you have until its gone. if i could change anything i
think i wouldnt do some things the same way. which makes me sad
because one of my goals in life it to have no regrets but i do...i
regret the fact that when i could have spent more time with him i
didnt. and now i blame myself for it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i found out that he had passed away. i never knew, never guessed
that he was sick and all that. i feel that if i had known i would
have tried to be there for him more. but then again i believe that
he would have known that i would have acted that way and he didnt
like being fussed over. besides feeling guilty i also feel anger,
at the fact that he died, at the fact that i wasnt told and kept
in the dark, about how i was shut out and also wonder and awe at
his strength and courage about how he picked up his cross as it
were and withstood the pain all alone.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
at least say goodbye to the person cause i didnt get to.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
learn that he did forgive me for every mean thing i ever said to
him and that he still loved me to the end.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i read the journal that i got from his mother that he wanted me
to have.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had to die at the age of 14
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sat down and tried to think about the last time i actually said a
nice thing to or about him. it wasnt the best time in my life and
i thought that i was going to cry myself sick and would die of a
broken art.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
i used my own strength and belief in myself that i could get by
and i would be okay eventually
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
i went into my room and basically cried my eyes out quietly not
letting anyone know what had happened to me
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Fri Sep 11 10:30:45 1998
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Rapture of Canaan
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sherri Reynolds
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 72.
--Details:
Her bones became brittle and she grew tumors.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the time when you get to spend with God and his angels in his
Kingdom. It is when your body is too tired to live anymore and
everything stops. You get to be with your loved ones and with God.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was about 6 years old, and my grandmother became very ill and had
spent sometime in the hospital. A few days later I had learned
that she had died.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandmother became sick and she died in
the hopital. I was about 5 or 6 and I overheard my mother making
arrangements for what was going to happen, and that is how I
found out.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
We were all standing around my fathers mom's hospital bed and we
were holding hands and praying for her.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
takes people a lot of time to get over the grieving process.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I got a better understand of what death is about through school.
I know now about heaven and more about God.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being with my friends and family..it's like we all went through it
together. Also sometimes the music that I listen to helps me such
as Tori Amos.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
having to realize that they weren't there anymore. It was hard to
face the reality that when I go to talk to them, that they aren't
there and they aren't going to pick up the phone when I call.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
hugs..everyone needs hug they makes people have a certain comfort
that you can't take away.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
when I hear a song that used to be her favorite before she died,
I don't get upset anymore because instead, I think of what I learned
from her and what she brought to the world.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
No one would give me any information as to what was going on.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
everyone needs to. Laughter takes away stress and it doesn't hurt.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be a little closer to my family, like show more affection. Or even
tell someone that I admire that I love them, or show them my true
feelings.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
meet the people that I did and have such great friends.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my father told me that if you look at their mouth when they are
laying there, that if you see a smile, you know that they are safe
and that they went to heaven.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see something that reminds me of them, or when i need to talk to
them and they aren't there.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I might be more close to my family if my grandmother was still alive.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why did god have to take them?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go away to another plce to deal with it on my own.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt more aware an a little bit more content knowing that they have
gone to a safer place.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
good.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
good, although sometimes a little bit uncomfortable.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
ventalation. When i go to church it relieves me of some stress.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
safe.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the gospel and the prayers that were said. they were beautiful.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
going out to dinner after the wake, i felt like we shouldn't be
enjoying ourselves at a time like this. it was almost like it was
inappropriate.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
tiredness and being weak
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
my friends grandfather was dead for 2 minutes and then revived
without anything
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
My family was all there.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Fri Sep 11 10:30:57 1998
F17 Anonymous Guest
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: heart trouble; Aged: 63.
--Details:
The death of my grandmother was very unexpected. She had a heart
attack and died immediately. This death was hard to deal with
because there was no way to be prepared and therefore no one got
to say good-bye.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something that happens to everyone sooner or later. Death can
happen for a variety of reasons but, when it does it is usually
a very sad time. A time when family and friends mourn but, they
also believe that they are going to a better place.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very emotional. I resented people because I lost someone who
meant a lot to me. After a period of grieving though it is good
to realize that you have wonderful memories to hold on to and that
the person you loved will be forever happy now.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...when I was in seventh grade my grandfather
got sick and was in the hospital for it. Everyone believed he was
getting better and was going to be okay, so my family and I went in
to visit him and he looked well, like he was going to recover. A
few days later I guess he wasn't as well as I had thought and he
passed away.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the wake and the funeral. It was sad to see everyone crying but,
it was also nice to know that my grandmother had affected so many
people during her life time. It was also good to know that I wasn't
the only person feeling sad and alone at this time.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that you can blame or be mad at the person who died. A lot of
people tend to do this because they feel like someone they need is
leaving them all alone which isn't true. Death is a natural thing
that must happen to everyone.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
for the good times and memories I have to always hold with me even
though they are gone.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being able to cry about it and not try to hide it inside me that
I was sad about losing someone that meant so much to me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the realization that I would never be able to see this person,
who had been such an important part of my life, ever again.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about how wonderful a person my grandmother was and how
often we used to do things. Sometimes also when I see children
with their grandparents.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have enjoyed the moments more that I got to spend with the
people I have lost.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my grandmother was so young and that she'll never be able to
me get married or my children and experiences like that.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring back the people that I have lost so that I could talk to them
about how I am feeling sad and alone.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt sad and alone but, also a little afraid that this could happen
to me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
no comment.
--Regarding MONEY:
money was really not an issue in the deaths of my grandparents
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
When people told me that he lived a fulfilling life while on Earth.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
The fact that this was the end, and that whoever died would never
be around anymore
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Fri Sep 11 10:30:45 1998
Anonymous Guest
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: emphazema; Aged: 62.
--Details:
My grandmother was sick for a while because she smoked a lot.
She had to carry an oxygen tank around with her. She got emphasema
from smoking too much and then she died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something that will happen to all of us one day. It is a very hard
concept to deal with. Everyone will have to deal with the death
of a loved one sooner or later. Most of us are afraid of death.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My uncle overdosed on drugs. I became involved
by my parents telling me what happened. I was not very close to
him but I was still upset.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how sad my father was when his mother died. He was so quiet and
he didn't talk much to anyone. He mostly just sat in his room
by himself.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to cope with it. Everyone copes with death in a different way.
Some people don't know how to deal with the death of a loved one
so they do something bad like perhaps taking there own life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I got to spend Thanksgiving with my grandmother before she died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being by myself, thinking about what happened. I didn't want to
talk to anyone because I was too upset. All I needed was to by
myself for a while.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that my grandmother would not be able to go to my wedding
or my graduation. That she wouldn't be able to watch me grow up.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
keep her in my mind. I didn't forget about her. I think of all the
good memories I had about her and that made me get over her death
quickly. I also realized that she was in a lot of pain and suffering
so she is better off now that she doesn't have to suffer anymore.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I attended the wake and the funeral. I saw all my relatives crying
and I got more upset because they were upset. The hardest part was
when I was at the funeral and saw my father crying. I have never
saw my dad cry before.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say good-bye to her. I didn't even know she was sick in the hospital
until after she died. I wish my parents told me that she was in the
hospital so I would have had a chance to talk to her before she died.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
we have thanksgiving at my own house because before she died we
used to celebrate thanksgiving at her house with all of my relatives
now we don't do that anymore.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If my grandmother was still alive I would still be receiving cards
in the mail from her on my birthday.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that most everyone else has grandparents alive and I don't.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to her and tell her I miss her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
realized that my grandmother is in peace now because she is not
suffering anymore. Now she is watching over me and looking out
for me.
--Regarding MONEY:
my father had to pay for the funeral because none of my other
relatives had the money to pay for it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my father crying.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
not being able to talk to her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
My family helped me in dealing with his death by talking to me
about him.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
I became afraid of dying when I first went to the funeral and saw
how upset everyone was.
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Fri Sep 11 10:30:38 1998
Anonymous Guest Age 16
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 9yrs ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 32.
--Details:
he was a heavy drinker
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a time in which a human is longer with the rest of us and goes on
to live a more peaceful life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to really understand
--That first time, how it happened was
My great-grandmother died at the age of 91
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that the baby was only 18 months old and he had such a longer life
to live
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
people need a lot of time to get over the death and realize that
this person is not going to be with them anymore but that it was
their time to go and God was calling them
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it kept my father from continually hurting my mother and himself
by substance abuse and helped my brother and I get over feelings
of abandonment
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
thinking back to the memories and realizing that they were never
really coming back
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realize that i didn't need him
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know my father
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see my biological family at the wake
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
when my teacher talked about it with me and the class when I got
back into school
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
now that i am older and understand a lot more i would have tried
to get him help with his problems because i think that had a lot
to do with why he didn't have much to do with us
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he did not take care of us very much even when he was alive
and left my mother with such a burden when she was so young and alone
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn't stop thinking about the past
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
someone that i could always talk to because i know god is always
there for me
--Religious Affiliation:
roman catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
my mother didn't have much money and she had to deal with this and
still take care of us
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my aunts and uncles were crying over me when they really didn't
know me
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i used a ouji board with a friend and it felt as if it was really
happening
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
an unresolved issue is that my father did not take care of the
children that he had because of substance abuse problems and i was
so young that i could not understand why i didn't have a father
like everyone else did and i will resolve this by always being
there for my kids even through very hard times
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i would want people thinking that i loved my family despite the
mistakes i have made with them
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i think i have a lot of unfinished business to take care of if i
was going to die soon and i have a lot of people to tell them how
much i care about them and a lot of apologies i owe people
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
my uncle brought me a birthday gift and said it was at my father's
apartment because my birthday was the month before he pasted away
but i don't really think it was from him
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
spend a lot of time and just let her cry
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Fri Sep 11 10:30:05 1998
F17 in walpole, MA =United States=
Name: Kyle
Email: <Babyblu953-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
teacher
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Prof/Studies: nurse
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6 or 7 years ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 62.
--Details:
this death was most significant to me because I saw this happen.
I saw my grandfather pass away right in front of my eyes.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something that a lot of society is afraid of, but we do have to
come to terms with and to accept.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was only 5 years old and it was my great grandmother. She lived
upstairs from me and I was with her everyday. Everyday at 7:00
we would watch Wheel of Fortune, that was our favorite show.
She would do anything for me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...the first death i had encountered was my
great grandmother.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
seeing it actually happen. I was there in the room right in front of
my grandfather when he passed away. I remember vividly to this day
what he looked like when he stopped breathing. I went hysterical.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it's not a bad thing and is not something to be afraid of.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that by having people in my family die and who were close to me
is that I feel that I have a better understanding of what death is
and what it looks like to die.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family and my friends were always definetly there for me whenever
i needed them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
to see it firsthand.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't hold anything back tell the person how you feel about them,
don't let anyone go to there grave and feel regret because you
didn't say something to them that you wanted to. Also value the
time you have with a friend or loved one because you don't know
when their last breath will be.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am able to not let death bother me. Meaning i am not afraid of
death, my grandfather went peacefully and just stopped breathing.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
this has never happened to me before.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be able to spend more time with the people that i have lost in
my family. I regret not being able to show them what i am doing
now in my life. I want them to see how i have grown and what i
have accomplished.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be mature and take death as not something to poke fun at and believe
that it will never happen and deny it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize that i do miss them and I do miss seeing them and just
talking to them.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If my grandmother was still alive I can bet that i'd be watching
wheel of fortune with her every night, and her always making me
something to eat and playing games with me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone that i am close to gets taken away from me.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
believe that death wasn't there. that no one had to die that
everyone would live forever, but i know that this is not true.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
got scared at first and didn't know how to deal withit. I was
afraid.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
there wasn't any fights over money. In my family everyone was
subtle, no one fought over who got what. My great grandmother had
made a will, but my grandfather had not and we still didn't fight
over it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that there were a lot of people who attended my grandfather's
funeral, he was a fire fighter and knew a lot of people and it's
good to know that all of these people would come to see him.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that it took me awhile to accept that that special person in my
life was now gone.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
sickness
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was just an everyday thing. I had to learn to deal with it on
my own
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want them to tell me that everything was gonna be okay and
that they love me and will miss me and i will say the same to them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
No, i don't think about my own death. If I were to know that i
was going to die soon, I'd try to fit in all of the things that
i had later wished to accomplish, before i was gooing to die.
When I die I hope that I am never forgotten.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
The only thing that helped me was time. What I did to get over
deaths was just take time and realize that they are gone and they
are not in pain anymore.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
I realized that when my great grandmother was sick, it was better
for her to be with God in a better place
What hindered me dealing with the first death was that it was my
great grandmother who I was very very close to, I spent a lot of time
with her, and now that she isn't there anymore I lost a best friend
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
some of my feelings about this questionnaire was that it mad me
remember my experiences, it brought up a lot of sad memories
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Fri Sep 11 10:27:45 1998
F16 in Roslindale, Ma =USA=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: an accident; Aged: 40.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when we move on to another world. When we die, we move on to a
better and happier place where we have no worries and we can look
over our loved ones and keep them safe.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in shock. I couldn't believe it happened. Most of my family
was in denial. We never thought one of the members of my family
would die, especially the way my aunt did.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My aunt who lives in Colombia, cleaned
all the time. She cleaned my grandmother's house and her house.
One day she was washing windows and she was on a small ladder or
a stool to reach the windows and she lost her balance and fell and
when she fell, the doctors think, she had a heart attack and then
somehow the glass she was washing fell on top of her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
hearing my father cry. He was so overwhelmed when he heard that
i was very affected by his emotions. I remember seeing him and my
2 uncles in my living room, hugging and crying together.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it can happen to anyone and we should all value the time we
have now with our loved ones before we don't have any time to.
After they die, they're gone forever.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my family kind of got closer together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to my best friend about it and her being there for me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
having to find a way to understand that she is really gone and I'm
never going to see her again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to try to understand that you aren't the only one who is going
through the pain. There are others that feel the exact same way
that you do.
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
moved on and understood that death can occur to anybody and there's
nothing you can do about it but just cope with it and move on in
your life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i first heard the news. You just go in a stage of shock and denial.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get closer with my aunt. To visit my whole family in Colombia.
To get to know all of my relatives there.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
learn from my actions. I'm thankful that i had the ability to move
on and to cope with our loss.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear other people's stories of how they lost a loved one. It just
brings back all the memories when i was dealing with my aunt's death.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think i would have changed my life. Because even though
my aunt who lived in Colombia died, i still haven't visited any of
my other relatives in Colombia and i think if she were still alive,
i still wouldn't have gone down there.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that it happened to my family. And to someone so close to my father.
It was hard enough for him to lose his own sister and then 2 years
later, his mother died.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
make things better for everybody and make everyone happy.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. When i had a reality check, and realized that my aunt really
is gone, i was so sad because she lived in another country and i
only got to meet her once, a couple of years before she passed away,
and i wish i could see all my family in Colombia because i don't
know who they are and they're my family and i don't know what's
gonna happen to them too.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
somewhere where we felt my aunt with us. Somewhere where we could
talk to her somehow.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very important. I feel that my aunt still watches over my whole
family.
--Regarding MONEY:
Money wasn't really an issue. When we had to pay for the casket
and everything, we just wanted to pay for it and get it over with.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I wouldn't want anybody to be sad over it. But I would try to do
as much things as i could.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I isolated myself and just always spent time by myself.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
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Fri Sep 11 10:27:07 1998
M17 in dedham, mass =us=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 7yrs ago.
Cause of Death: breast cancer; Aged: late 50's.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when somebody's body stops working and they are buried in the ground.
they unable to do anything there bodies just rot and they are never
seen again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
held everything in and didn't talk to anyone, I acted like it didn't
bother me and that it was no big deal. when really i was dieing
inside and wanted her back more than anything in the world.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandmother had breast cancer. She was
sick for a while than went into remission for about 5 years than
the cancer came back and was incurable and she died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my father's friend a young kid got stabbed at a party. I didn't
know him that well but it was weird because i saw him the day before
and had talked to him than he died. what i remember most is feeling
scared and lonely.
--What I think my (us) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that they don't know for sure if there is a heaven they can't just
assume that they'll see them again in heaven. there's is know way
of knowing that till you die yourself.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i am grateful that my grandmother isen't suffering anymore that she
will not have to be layed up in a bed sick anymore. My grandmother
wasen't meant to lie in a bed all her life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
what supported me the most was myself. i dealt with it myself
because i didn't want anyone to know i was hurt.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
having to dealing with not ever seeing them again, and all the
changes that my family went through.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't spend all your time with them talking about dieing make them
live thier lives as much as they can in the time they have left.
You can talk about death all you want when they are dead. why waste
time doing it when they are alive.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
you go to the wake, and everyone is just standing around looking
at the body and talking about everything else but the reason they
are there.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it made me feel better. sometimes people feel more compfortable
laughing and gets thier emotions out.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to my grandmother more, and watch her favorite show with her
one more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
deal with it and except it
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my baby cousin was born two weeks later.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the cost of the funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear a sad song
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
my family would be closer and i would't feel as if i missed alot
of stuff not having her around and that she didn't miss alot of stuff
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that's always my thoughts thinking of my grandmother,i always think
why her
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
broke down
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not that much
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
it didn't realy matter
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that so many people cared and loved her
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Passage of Time
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Fri Sep 11 10:22:07 1998
F17 in hyde park, ma =usa=
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: dietary aide
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 2 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 60.
--Details:
no one in the family even knew he had cancer because he hid it for
a while. Even though the doctoer told him he had 6 months to live
he still kept it from his entire family even his wife who took care
of him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a time when we leave our body and return to the our creator.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was that it was my aunt's husband
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
trying to support my aunt and help her get through it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that he's finally not in any more pain
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
that from family
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
we had a reception afterwards and everyone seemed unbothered by the
fact that we had all just attended a funeral a couple moments ago.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
go and visit him before he died so I could have said goodbye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
not cry at the funeral
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratefulness
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I didn't have contact with a hospice
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing the dead body in the casket and also wathing them lower the
casket into the ground.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I wouldn't want to know when or if I was going to die and even if
I did I would let those who loved and cared for me know.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
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Fri Sep 11 10:18:10 1998
F16 in Massachusetts =USA=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a very hard and traumatizing thing to some people it is very sad.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and thought that they were going to come back and take me
with them. I had dreams that my grandmother was going to take me
with her.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...The first death i encountered I was seven
and it was my grandmother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I really freaked out and could not cope for days. I thought that
it was a really traumatizing thing i could not believe that she
was gone it felt like the end of the world.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That god took my cat and brought her to a better place and she was
not suffering anymore.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The support of family and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That fact that they were not going to be around anymore and that
i was going to miss them
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye and that I Loved her soooo much
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see a picture or remeber something that had to do with something
we did. i really miss her alot
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that god took her from me and we didn't have enough time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and could not stop
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the doctors could have done more i think and i hold them responsible
for her death.
--Religious Affiliation:
none but i am catholicthat
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that people were there that didn't even talk to her all the time
and just came to come and that was disrespectful.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that i never could beleive it was happening
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
advice on my whole life and what she thinks i am doing wrong and
how can i fix it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I had to go see a therapist and learn to cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Fri Sep 11 10:00:47 1998
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 2 months ago.
Aged:
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...the first death i ever encountered was the
death of my grandmother. She had a heart attack and died several
days later in the hospital, i never got to see her in the hospital.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
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Thu Sep 10 14:43:43 1998
F16 in South Boston, MA =U.S.=
Name: Alanna Boyle
Email: <purplerain81-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
my teacher
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Prof/Studies: Death And Dying
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart dieses ????; Aged: 68.
--Details:
She was put on a machine and everyone knew she did not want that
so they said good bye (exept for me and some of her grandchildren)
and took her off the machine
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something that many people try not to think of. many are afraid of
dying. some cultures believe that when you die, your soul enters
another body and you live again. others believe that you go to
heaven, a place for your soul to go to until you are sent back
to Earth
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Had no clue what happened and denied it for a long time
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was ten when my nana died. I was very
very close to her. She died suddenly to me but I think the rest
of my family knew. I don't exacty know how she died but I know she
was on a machine and my family took her off it because she wanted
that. Most of my family got to say good-bye to her except for me
and that hurts. For a long time I denied her death and told myself
that she just needed a vacation and really thought she was on a
beach somewhere in Mexico. I didn't cry at her funeral and that
made my mother upset. But she never stuffs in in my face. I think
she realized that she handled my nana's death the wrong way with
me. It's still hard for me to admit to my nana's death because I
still have a lot of questions that have not been answered. I have
not been able to close that chapter of my life yet so it's still
hard. I have not talked to my family about any of thse feelings.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
convincing myself that she would be back soon
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
you should prepare for it and welcome it when it's your time to go
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I began to watch over my younger relatives more because my nana
was not there for them
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a support group that was started by RAINBOWS FOR ALL CHILDREN. It
focused on a death in the family and/or the divorce of your
parents. I was in the group for both these reasons ( they happened
around the same time)
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that I would never see her again and she was in the cold ground. I
used to stay over her house every Friday night no matter what. That
was "our night " together. We would order dinner, watch t.v., and
then we would go outside. She would go across the street and sit on
her friends stairs and talk while I played with friends. When the
ice cream truck came, we would share a banana split and then go in
and go to bed. We would go shopping the next day and she would buy
me stuff. I know she spoiled me but I think she wanted to.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized she was really gone
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her I loved her and say good bye. I wish she knew how very
special she was to me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i visited her grave by myself and cried. ( I don't usually cry in
frount of people
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see that some of my family is not over it yet so I feel like I can
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
have not thought about it
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that we are given life and know that it will be taken away
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Dig her up, bring her back to life and never let her leave my sight
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried forever, talked to people less and began to eat more
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
my mother saying that the hospital killed her because "she could
have been saved"
--Religious Affiliation:
I just started recently going to church often again
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I only remember looking at her coffin and wondering when she would
come back. I blanked the rest out
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
hear her say that she is always with me in spirit. I might be able
to accept her death more
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My great aunt (my nana's sister) is starting to have dreams of
people coming to have tea with her and her father, even though he
died many years ago
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would like to know when I would die so I can accomplish most
of my goals and say good bye to people. I am afraid of my death
being painful
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
no explanation on death and no good-bye
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i reached out to my younger cousins
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was nice to vent some of my feelings (even though it to a
computer)
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Thu Sep 10 13:10:28 1998
F20 in Chicago, IL =USA=
Name: Vania
Email: <beardv-at-moody.af.mil>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
www.yahoo.com
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Prof/Studies: Military
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More personal info:
Yes you can post. I miss home and due to me being in the military
I missed out on some good times with my dad. Sometimes i regret
coming into the military.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 9 months ago.
Cause of Death: a car accident; Aged: 45.
--Details:
It was a drunk driver who killed him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When someone leaves on a new journey and never ever comes back.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was kind of confused but I was very hurt.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was. my grandfather passed away when I was
10yrs old. He died from lung cancer..
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The last thing he said to me was "I Love You" and I said it back.
Those were the last words exchanged.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
only once.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death has put alot of people out of their misery.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Looking at old home videos
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
just remebering the good times and to know he's not in pain anymore.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
The whole funeral
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Thu Sep 10 12:40:13 1998
F17 in Boston, MA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
teacher
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 8 ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 65.
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...she was in her death-bed but it was at home.
I was there next to her probably giving her some holy water.
Then when I looked at her and her face grew pale. Then in the next
couple of momemt she deceased.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Being Young
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
No
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Thu Sep 10 11:17:19 1998
F20 in Bloomsburg, PA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Secretary
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 2 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 19.
--Details:
He was on his way to his family's summer house in New Jersey and when
he went to switch lanes to get off at his exit, he must not have
checked his mirrors because a motor home hit him from behind which
caused his truck to flip 6 times throwing him out the windshield
(he didn't have his seat belt on) and he was life flighted to the
atlantic city hospital where he was on life support for almost
24 hours, but then they said it was no use and he died about 10
minutes after they took him off.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...-I was 5 when my grandmother died from
extremely bad arthritis.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
great pain and emptyness
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
another one of my best friends, without her I wouldn't have been
able to go on.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not having the chance to say "Good-Bye", and not understanding why
a 19 year old who had his whole future ahead of him should have to
die when there are so many old people and bad people in the world.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see him one last time, and tell him how much I cared about him.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why a 19 year old boy who never did anything wrong and was planning
on starting college in the spring?
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
I didn't really understand, I was only 5.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I am still very upset and confused by the whole accident, the only
thing that has helped me a little so far is my other best friend.
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Thu Sep 10 11:13:54 1998
F25 in Detroit, MI =USA=
Name: Christy
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Administrator
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 27.
--Details:
We had been engaged, but broke up over something silly. Had not
talked to each other for a year. He married someone else - a real
witch of a woman who cheated on him, and had another man's child -
and was transfered overseas by his employer. The cancer was found
too late to treat. He called me to patch things up a week before
he died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...as a girl scout, i was helping elderly
neighbors with basic house chores and shopping. Mrs. Hale had
had a stroke years ago, and her hubby had his hands full helping
to care for her - she was in a wheel chair. Very sweet woman.
She died in her sleep about a year after I started helping them out.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the sudden feeling of emptyness - like something had been ripped
out of me.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it put my mind at ease about that relationship, and allowed me to
open my heart to new relationships.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
firstly, my faith. The knowledge that we'll see each other again
in heaven. Secondly, my new best friend - someone I'm extremely
close to, who was ready and willing to do whatever I needed him to
to help me through. From listening to me rant and rave, to holding
me while I cried on his shoulder.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
wondering if I could have in some small way prevented it from
happening.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
patch things up between us long before he died...back when there
was a chance for us to have a long relationship, and to walk down
the aisle together.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say goodbye. tell him that i did love him, and that i was so sorry
for all the pain between us.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
not going to the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear our song....or see a movie we saw together...or do something
we were going to do together....
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
we'd be married now. probably with a child or one on the way.
we'd be happy - certainly have our share of arguments, but we always
made up - except for that last one...
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
put it all behind me. forget.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. For hours...days.... I just cried. Then I got mad. I put
my fist through a wood door.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
knowing it was God's time, and His will....knowing that he was going
to heaven, that some day we'll see each other their again....having
someone to turn to - someone greater than anyone else - to provide
support to me.
--Religious Affiliation:
Charismatic Christian
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i am greatful that we resolved our issues before he died. it took
some time of talking, but we were at peace with each other when
he died.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
reading Psalm 23 five or six times a day for months afterwards.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Friends and family support were also vital to me.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
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Wed Sep 9 20:43:36 1998
F45 in sacramento, calif ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: psychology/religion major, senior status
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 6 monthes ago.
Cause of Death: brain anurism; Aged: 82.
--Details:
Since my personal experience 9 years ago my fathers loss of his
phyisical body still brings momnets of missing him being here. then
I feel great peace for my experience gave me nothing but peace and
I am glad he was finally able to be released from his body that
had grown so useless.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a subject that for many brings up questions of what happens after
we die. Many ignore thinking about it, many fear it but it will
happen so live life as full and with as much wonder and love as
you can. Time is so valuable.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
when my grandfather died. I felt beetrayed at his leaving
me. everything was about me. the funeral was the worst, he was very
well loved and in my faith we believe in life after al families. at
13 I was angry that people happily remembered him through thier
tears. looking back, now I would have felt that also.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I was about 13 when my Grandfather on my
mother's side. my mother brought us to be thier when he died because
we were very close to them. he had bone cancer. my grandparents
were married 60 years.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I felt his presence and his spirit. I sang at his funeral with 2
of my daughters and I know that somehow he was in the room. My
granddaughter then 18 monthes old had never gotten to see him
alive. I was holding her and pointing down at the body and told her
who it was. interestingly she was looking up and smiling above the
body as if seeing something I could not see physically.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
I think that my religious background actually deals with death
very positively.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I think that death has many gifts. we are just blinded through this
mortal existence to see them
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
is that the process has stages that must be moved through for
completion and resolution to one's life. everyone has different
stages that are harder for them personally. once they are reconcile
they can move on. listen, listen,listen. tel them what you feel
about them and thier reflections in your life.
--Religious Affiliation:
morman
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very much how I feel now!
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have experienced NDE and watched myself in non-judgement.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
In 1989 I had a Near death experience during a car accident. I
realized that I had nothing to fear and death is not the end.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Wed Sep 9 18:51:37 1998
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Alex:the life of a child
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of CoWorker, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 76.
--Details:
He was my boss and the first teacher I've ever had to die.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an end to the existence of our earthly bodies
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
missed the person who had died, but was reassured knowing that when
I die, I will see her again.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great aunt had a number of strokes and grew
gradually worse and worse. After awhile she was moved to a hospital
where I frequently visited her. One day I was told she had died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not saying goodbye.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not the end.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I know that my grandfather has been with me at certain times in my
life, in a way he couldn't have been had he lived.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my faith.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not feeling like I had the right to grieve.
--[My Neighbor's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
still think of her as alive. Not letting her cease to exist has
allowed for an easier acceptance.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my grandfather reverted to his childhood and began to suck his thumb.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have a good time the last time I did see him. It all seemed
so ordinary
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I am nowhere near as good a person as her - why didn't I die instead?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried more than I had in the beginning
--Religious Affiliation:
catholicism
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Wed Sep 9 10:39:50 1998
F33 in Vancouver, bc =Canada=
Name: M.Cloutier
Email: <karma_mama-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
found under psychology in the science section from yahoo...
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Prof/Studies: dancer, actor, perfomer, english teacher in foreign countries.
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More personal info:
not for now I would like to try this in the future again
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Parents, 21 & 18 years ago.
Cause of Death: mother died when I was 12 with breast cancer and father died of
cancer spreading to his whole body while he was in remission from
pancreal cancer when I was 15; Aged: mother was 52 and father
was 62.
--Details:
lots/everything is still pretty vivid for me... My mother starting
suffering from this cancer when I was about 8 years old and at the
time we owned a 10 unit motel on the outskirts of a small town
in northern ontario canada we had to sell the place and leave.
I really loved it there I believe, even though I was pretty
lonely ( I was in fact the only child from a second marriages
for both my parents...). My mother was also very unhappy women
and bitter about her life. I don't need to go into the history.
There is a good chance that she was mentally unstable and even
perhaps there is a history of manic or bi-polar depression...in the
family...perhaps she suffered...perhaps the only way she could get
through life was to drink her bad feelings away...you see there
is obviously a little of her in me...I smoke addivtively...it is
a good thing I don't like alcohol....any way by late 1975 she
went a little nutty she had to go into the hospital...she was
very weak and sick but I must remind you that she would not have
any doctors operate on her...she was afraid to have surgery... so
she suffered instead... I guess she did not want any part of her
beauty removed and wanted to die with that dignity...foolish as
it sounds I can understand how she felt...any way the sad part of
all this is that while she was in the hospital that is where all my
problems started... I was sent to a relative house about 73 miles
away...in December...early dec...I went to see her and she weighed
close to maybe 80 lbs...I will always remember her beautiful sad
eyes...looking at me sadly...deeply...helplessly...obviously she
felt very maternal and that was the last time they let me see her...
the funeral was really sad...hardly anyone but immediate family made
it...I think she created alot of anymosity with people...so she had
so few friends...I will never forget it when my father told me that
she died...it was january the first 1976,it was about 7 pm in the
evening and he came to I was watching the tele...said your mother
died this morning...at about 4 am...It was a very strange feeling...
one tear came down my left cheek and that is that...everything else
felt like a dream,surreal,I was empty and there was nothing in me,
no waves of ocean ...nothing but emptiness like I was prepared
and I just went to the motions...I am still really pissed off at
them all...I have not seen any of these relatives not my fathers
family and especially the first batch of kids from the previous
marriage or my other relatives...and I don't intend to...I don't
care...I am not a family person it seems and it suits me fine...
But, I have stayed close to my mothers children...and they all
turned to be really quality people and have done quite well with
there lives...I call them my family...but I have no intentions of
talking with or ever seeing the rest of these people or ever going
back to that place again for the rest of my life...of course you
never know what can happen, we all change and learn...life with
my father after that was hell... I moved around so much...it
really fucked up my education...I have had to work much harder
to excel or do well in anything I think compared to anyone...I
think this is what you may call resentful... I am trying to find
the place within me that will forgive...my father died when I was
fifteen...it was very sad...all his children from the previous
marriage except Jackie made it...it was in the afternoon...I had
spent alot of time with him the night before in the recovery room
because he had had explatory surgery...I think there was alot fo
communication between us...but not of the spoken variety...I think
we were trying to forgive each other some how....anyway...my sister
(half)called from souther ontario and said to wait for her. she
spoke to my dad...after she hung up....my father seemed to feel
satisfied that he had connected with all his children and all and
we all watched him die in front of us..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of one's life. Since, I believe that we will come back
and experience a new life. Taking our lessons from the first and
our mistakes to reach enlightment... We experience this dying and
the loss of people through death with sometimes alot of emotional
upheavel. The range of emotions we are able to experience can be
very involved and it is quite exceptional. I feel that the death is
time for peace and forgiveness between ourselves... Unfortunaly we
don't know or take the time properly grieve and we have no respect
for this process...that is why I am still mourning my parents death,
which was for me was both a significant loss and a blessing...
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
12 years old, my mother died at 4 am on jan.1.1976 and my father
died when I was 15 march the 21, 1980
--That first time, how it happened was
A aunts funeral...
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was so young and impressionable at time, unformed not made yet
into a woman that my impressions are like strange dreams and there
lives have become so small...I was always the center of attention
in my family, as I was the youngest, I never felt like my parents
were really parents like other children's parents...I have so many
unresolved feelings about this...
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
respect...time for mourning...forgiveness..peace...more community
attention to help out when people are in need we should take care
of the people around us better...
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
oh I do believe there are many gifts...and I know that I have
only touched the tip of the iceberg of the things we can learn
from death...I learned that I had all these feelings, emotions,
that there are so many of them...I learned that death can represent
freedom for some and a the trap of pain for others...
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I have had no support in this matter I have been on my own for
this I don't know how to communicate but, in the near future I
hope to be able to work on a piece of dance that will help me come
to terms and move on to a more mature and peaceful way of feeling
about it all...
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that they were gone, never going to see them again, maybe next
life...but I can say I am even sure of this ... but, no more and
that they left me all alone and I never really wanted to be alone
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to listen with sensitive ears and the open heart... forgiveness
no matter what happened between you and the other person or what
they might have done...everyone needs to be forgiven...everyone
deserves compassion
--[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
that you have to face and deal with look at it give those feelings
freedom understand them let go of the pain remember death is the
attainment of temporary peacefulleness and some even believe in
permanent peacefullness ( heaven..)
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
now because I understand everything and I still have all these
feelings to deal with now
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
this does not apply to me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
nothing needed to be changed it was not my fault I did the best
that I could I was only 12 and 15
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I have done pretty good considering what has happened but I am
thankful that I came from a developed society I have had so many
breaks...if I was from an undeveloped society forget it...
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
can not comment
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
since i have had no opportunities to discuss these things with any
of the relatives this will not apply to me
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i feel sad sometimes because there is alot i have not dealt with
yet about it all
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it was for the best i am a better person because they left
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
yes i do feel like this
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I am sorry DIE
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I don't knwo how to answer this...
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
no one did anything
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
the hospital was shit in both of my experiences
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i lost my interest all together because of the experience it was
not until the last year or so that I have experience a rekindling
of a candle at the bottom of my heart after reading Sogyal Rinpoche
( a tibethan buddhist master who teaches meditation around the
world...) he wrote a book encapulating the tibethan book of living
and dying...it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever
read in my life...perhaps more beautiful than life itself
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic and christian religion now I will begin studying buddhism
through the east indian route or tibethan...
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like freedom there is more and it is such a beautiful mystery
because one of the things it will teach us all is that life is
precious and we should not waste any of it...
--Regarding MONEY:
my father died with hardly any left at all again I was so young
I never had to worry about this at time
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i don't want to go there right now
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
finding out that i had emotions and coming into understand them...
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i don't believe this... it is not the physical part of it it is
the spiritual and the emotional that will help you if people had
been able to talk to me about it ....
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
....
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I do feel like they have always been around somehow watching out
for me like they have become my guardian angels. I have alot of
psychological dreams surrounding them still intertwined with my daily
life especailly lately since I ended this stupid relationship that
was deteriorating and undermining my confindence, my sense of self...
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have so far had no visitations or feelings that I have been
visisted... only the dreams many many many dreams in the
hundreds...
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I guess I am discovering that I am pissed off especially at my
dad for bouncing me around like a ball between my mothers death
and his...
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I am still having htem help........
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
again nothing supernatural...
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want to be forgiven for all of my mistakes...and if I hurt any
one I hoep they will forgive me...fI want to die peacefully I want
to go on to the next life and be able to start over in a better
and stronger way
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
no problem peace freedom and many mixed feelings
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
well maybe this is something that i should have done a long time
ago...but i always remember them when they died and remember each
of their birthdays
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
of course everyday I learn something new through them because of
them about the whole thing...
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
I don't know. I really think at the time that I was completely
detached from my emotions or you could say disconected from my
emotional self...
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have not done any of this maybe it is time that I go out and
do this for others...
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Well I had no idea it would be so long or I would have scheduled
a more peaceful time I would like to do it again in aobut six
months to see if you see any changes and in a more peaceful setting
a cyber cafe is not a good place to this...I feel like people can
see everyting I am thinking
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
ahhhhhhhhhhh not now
Enhancements: The only thing I would highly recomend is finding Sogyal Rinpoche adn getting
involved in one of his talks or read the book he wrote he is a master and an eloquent writer
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Sep 6 19:18:23 1998
F21 in Auckland, =NewZealand=
Name: Pania
Email: <nanoula-at-ihug.co.nz>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Artist
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
And the ass saw the angel
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Nick Cave
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Lover, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: Drug Overdose; Aged: 24.
--Details:
7 other 'close people' including my brother died in that year
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--Death Is:
a natural accurance in the cycle of nature. Everyone has their own
personal ideologies as to what happens to our spirit, not our body ,
after death. However, I believe that whatever a person thinks will
happen to them when thay die, will, as death is sometimes called'
the long sleep' , well, they will just be having a long dream
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Freaked out, tried suicide many times, went religeous, then
psychiotic, ran away (both psycically and mentally) and just kept
running, resenting and hating the living for not knowing or caring.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my Father died of a broken heart, he just gave
up living like some old people do. He had previously gone insane
due to a brain annurism (sp) so we had to leave him in Australia
and move to N.Z. I was his 'little princess' and his separation
from me gave him no reason to go on.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How many drugs I took to cover the pain. I had stopped running,
but was still hiding. I had started my husband on drugs, and my
parents worried themselves sick, litterally. My step-father had
to have a tripple heart bypass.
--What I think my (NewZealand) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How sacred it is, and how mourning starts immediately, and might not
stop for years. The indiginous people of my country (NewZealand)
have 3 days which are tapu, the dead person is kept in the house
and mourners are allowed to come and say or do what they need to
,to get anything off thier concience.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I am 21 and I have had 12 peole who are close to me die. Death has
taught me to expect it, and therefore not to spent my life in fear
of it. Not to live waitng to die , just live.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My own writing and music and art
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The fact that I know they could have done so much had death not
stopped them.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Let myself mourn
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
It kept happening to people close to me, seemingly every week,
and I felt cursed.
--R
