^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ See Current contributions. See Jun 98 contributions. See Jul 98 contributions. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Aug 29 19:51:10 1998 F19 in Rochester, Ny =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Student at Roberts Wesleyan College, as an Elementary Ed. Major - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 ago. Cause of Death: drowned while white water rafting; Aged: 16. --Details: The girl went white water rafting with her youth group. We were in the same grade and it was the summer before our senior year. I had come close to failing Geometry so I decided to retake it. This girlfriend of mine came in the next day looking really heartbroken, and she was sobbing. I asked what was wrong, and she said, "Cathy drowned, she's dead." I couldn't believe her and I told her she was lying. No one my age had ever died before. It was hard to concentrate that day. I wrote a story in her tribute. The next semester of school we set up a scholorship fund for her and every year on the anniversary of her death we hold a concert in her honor. The whole community schools and churches get groups together and sing. The proceeds go to the scholership fund. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a new begining. We either go to Heaven if we've lived correctly. Heaven is a wonderful place filled with God's glory and absent of pain. Or, if we've lived incorrectly we go to Hell. Hell is a terrible place of eternal damnation and pain. It is suffering and seperation from what is good for all of eternity. In essence it's the exact opposite of heaven. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Didn't really understand what death was. I just knew that my great grandma would be going to live with the angels... and I was comforted by that even though I knew that I'd miss her. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... my great grandma on my mom's mother died. She was just about my favorite person in the world. I'd bring her her tissues after she took her glacoma drops, and I'd sit on her lap and sing to her all of the time. I thought that she was the best. One day she just died. It was while she was visiting other relatives. It was peacefull, in her sleep and without warning. I am still a deeply religous person, but at that time I had absolute faith that was probably a bit erie in a child of three or four. I cried for about fifteen minutes then my mom gave me the crusifix from her coffin lid. I'm not Catholic, but it was something of a cherished relatives. So it's always been cherished. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: That I got to keep her crusifix. It was really pretty but simple and the Jesus figure was fully clothed and hooded. It's pewter and quite fragile and I was told to never drop it. I still look at it with fondness. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: That it's not a sad thing. Death shouldn't really be feared if you've lived correctly. It should be looked upon by the one dying and by the family as a joy. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: That people bring you food when someone dies. It takes all of the domestic cooking responsibility away from you... which gives you a break. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Being a support helps me to get over things. I like to be the one to be gracious and to hold people's hands and to listen. It eases their mind and mine at the same time. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Looking into the faces of those who don't understand that it's not such a bad thing and seeing all of their pain. Also, seeing the body. They NEVER look like themselves. Especially younger people. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that a young person who was so sweet so committed to her God, so lovely in nature, so good at heart, who had so much potential, who would be a good mother not one of those child beaters who get soo much press, why did that type of person have to die? Why don't just bad people die? That would be fair... this is not fair! --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: That people would be there for us... that there would be someone to listen who I didn't have to pay 60$ an hour to or more. That there was a family there to pray for the deseased parents and family, and that they were there for them too. --Religious Affiliation: I've been Nazareene and I've beeen First Church of God, and now I'm charasmatic. It's not so much the denomination as it is the people. I can't attend a church where I don't see people DOING something for the world. So when I move around, that's what I look for. Are there missions programs, is there an active youth group. If I get married and have children are there service projects for them to do too? --The weirdest part of it all to me was: The fact that my bratty big cousin wouldn't shut up. She wailed through the entire service of a grandparent that was generally disliked by all grandchildren and by all children. Rude people who didn't buy christmas gifts, and who didn't have us over for dinner or for the night like a normal grandparent would. Especially one who lived ten min. at the most away from you. It was embarassing. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System My belief system helped, but I also enjoy hearing the great stories that are allways told. It puts my mind at rest. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities When a very young friend of mine died some people were as crushed as I was, others didn't seem to care at all. It ticked me off. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Aug 29 18:55:21 1998 F26 in St Joseph, MN =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 5 yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 65. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I got depressed and felt guilty --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandma died of cancer. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the fact that I was so grief-stricken I couldn't even speak at her funeral, even though it was well known that I was her favorite grandchild. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: it costs alot of money to die, nut it shouldn't. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: talking to other family members about her. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: that I wasn't there when she actually died. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: put your own fears aside and spend those last moments with the dying person. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: when the dr. said my grandma had cancer and she just gave up. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't fight it. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I felt like a total idiot --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more time with her --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: be honest with her when she asked me if she was dying, when everyone else around her was lying to her about it. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I gave my grandma a kiss goodbye when she was laying in the casket. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I read in the newspaper that a child has died. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I would be making my grandma a REGULAR part of my life..I would have found time to be with her. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that cancer has to be so cruel. It is bad enough the person is dying, but they have to go through excrutiating pain as well. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could have one more hour with her --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I bawled my eyes out for the loss of her. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: hostility that they couldn't have done more, and that they made insurance coverage an issue when it came to her life. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: I felt that they were fake, and although they ACTED like they cared, I didn't think they really did. I thought they were just doing their job. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: not much --Religious Affiliation: not much now...past Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: that the spirit lives on --Regarding MONEY: there wasn't enough of it to maybe do things to save her life or take away her pain --Regarding the FUNERAL: that my cousin had to do the talking because I couldn't --The weirdest part of it all to me was: them taking away her body...I wondered what was happening...what they were doing with knives and chemicals to my grandma's body --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': it was incredible. During the last 2 months of my grandma's illness she did was not aware of anything...she couldn't talk or do anything. Then, in the hour of her death she actually sat up and started speaking quite coherently, about how glad she is to see her mom, and dad, and brother, and aunt and uncle, and other dead people. She was beaming nd telling her mom how much she had missed her....going on and on about the dead people she was seeing. It was the strangest thing! --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: Not really too many issues...just regrets that I didn't make her a priority in my life, when I was always a priority in hers --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: Sometimes my grandma comes to me in dreams like we are still together and she gives me advice or just hugs me like she used to --Any thoughts about your own death?: I'd be writing future letters to all my kids - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment I didn't feel abandoned per se, but just felt bad that I didn't have more time to show her I loved her ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Aug 29 17:18:07 1998 F36 in Florida =USA= Name: Karen Email: <kroach-at-gte.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Other: ] I've always been interested in death and dying and recently watched a show on tv with a psychic about talking to the dead. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Housewife - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 24 yrs ago. Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 37. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end. Fear of the unknown, what happens to us when we die, where do we go, does i t hurt, is it peaceful. For me, death is scary and I don't want to die. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was 12 years old. My parents were at a Christmas party and my brother and I were alseep in our rooms. I heard them when they got home. I heard my dad tell my mom he could not breathe and she called the ambulance and my grandparents (who lived next door). After that was crazy . My dad was lying on the floor and the ambulance people were putting him on a stretcher to take him away. I think I knew in my heart that we was dead but could not believe it. I remember screaming and crying and my grandmother trying to comfort me. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my dad died from a heartattack on my living room floor when I was 12 years old. I watched the whole thing and have been deeply affected by it ever since. When my dad died there was no such thing as counseling unless of course you were crazy so I got into a lot of trouble as a teenager and have always had a hard time with relationships with guys. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how it affected me was that I felt abandoned even though I still had the rest of my family. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: talking with friends and in support groups in college. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: How to deal with the anger .cried --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: I wouldn't have changed anything. I was very close to my father. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: just be with my dad --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I think about those exact questions al the time. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could just see him one more time. FOr him to tell me a joke and make me laugh. To just let me know its okay and not to be so sad. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cried and cried. After that I became very rebellious got into drugs and alcohol and very bad relationships. --Regarding the FUNERAL: I think funerals and viewings are morbid. I went because I was forced to go. I was told if I didn't see my dad one last time I would be haunted by guilt all my life. I looked at him from the front door of the funeral home, and remember how much it hurt to see my dad lying there. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would ask why, why did you have to leave me when I was so young? --Any thoughts about your own death?: it scares me terribly. I don't want to die and leave my husband and 3 children. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: no, because I still don't have closure - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment I also felt very angry with my dad for leaving me. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It was very hard for me to fill out the questionnaire, it brought back a lot of emotions. I guess because death scares me so much and I have a need to know more about it. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Aug 27 17:05:48 1998 Anonymous Guest: M28 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 7 years ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 24. --Details: hanged himself in basement of our house - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandfather. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: feeling guilty - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Aug 24 06:33:28 1998 F41 in , == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Mon Aug 24 19:59:56 1998 F17 in New Hartford, New York =USA= Name: Jen Wrate Email: <jenr8-at-borg.com> Web: n/a - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: high school senior - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Where the Red Fern Grows and Bridge to Terabithia Recommended Reading-- Writers: I have no idea - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 14 yrs ago. Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 15. --Details: It was a drunk driver and he was walking home from the mall, right after buying our family's Christmas presents. In fact, they found him with the Christmas presents in his hands. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the ending of a life. Death happens to everyone when their time comes, and there's no way to avoid it. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was in shock and a huge state of denial. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my brother was killed in a car accident because he was hit by a drunk driver. I was 3 years old when it happened. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: when and where I was when I found out they had died. Also, I remember the memories with them before they died. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: That when it's your time, it's your time. Also, a person's death is not to punish the living. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: it brought the rest of our family a lot closer together. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: the support of my family and friends. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: how could they leave me and I wished that I had a chance to say good-bye. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People realizing that death was just another part of life. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc. When I was that young I was easily influenced by movies and other people's stories. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Was searching for a particular dying & death website I had once visited and your name came up in my search - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...first death awarness was suicide of my first cousin-- many years my senior. I reacted more to my mother's grief & shock than to any personal feelings of loss. I knew little of my cousin and attached little meaning to suicide at age 6. I was more concerned with comforting my mother. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Acknowledgementand sincere interest. Simply having someone say, I am sorry. Tell me about your Dad. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: My culture's unwillingness to accept my feeloings. So many people are so uncomfortable with feelings that they do thoughtless things just to avoid having to be exposed to them. for example: "I wouldn't want to say something to upset her so I just won't mention it." That's REAL helpful now- isn't it. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Be present; be open; listen; expect something of them. You expect something of every other relationship in the world-- friends, kids; cashier in the store: expect something of this person too. This person is still living. Reciprocity in relationships is indicative of life, creativity, validation. The minute you change up and stop expecting anything from this relationship you have buried the person before she died. --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: had this valuable family experience which pivoted around my father. With playfulness, respect, love and a commitment to the long dull haul of dying from a miserable cancer we all came together as adults in a family way I cannot recall experiencing since childhood. We done good. Thanks, Dad. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: When in the last 72 hours of his life, my father's pain became so excruciating that no amount of morphine would quell it and we could not get Hospice to prescribe barbiturates or to come out to the house to attend in the middle of the night. This was horribly confusing and brought about a no win dillemma. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I in these circumstances, learning of a death from a distance, I have found that once the shock wears thin< i can go two ways: block it out and have it matter little in my day-to-day life as this person was distant from me or have it come flooding out all at once instead of fits an starts which is what tends to happen when I block. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities experience; literature; family; friends; What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos Silence. Lots of times when I try to share my feeling regarding a death I am met by silence or sympathetic looks. Seems a difficult subject to get people to engage in. So i choose my confidents wisely if my goal is actually to have an exchange. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Aug 23 21:06:41 1998 M28 in Burlington, Ontario =Canada= Email: <kblack2-at-compuserve.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Walking through Yahoo - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Network Engineer - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: none - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 2 months ago. Cause of Death: died of cancer; Aged: 6. --Details: Actually she was my sister's dog, but I was pretty close to her (I lived with my sister when the dog was a puppy) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a mystery, although technically it is the cessation of brain and bodily function. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was too young to have any real idea what was going on. I knew my great-grandmother was dead, but didn't really know enough to care. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my great-grandmother died, I hardly knew her (I was very young) --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: that sucks --What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is: that we should celebrate the passing of the person's life and what was good about them rather than moan about how there passing is going to affect us. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Nothing --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: The realization that I won't see them anymore. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: My cousin died when I was about ten years old and I was just old enough to really understand what death was. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it's human, and not unnatural. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: see Sadie one last time before she was put to sleep. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I don't think anything would be different. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... death happens --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could live forever. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: absolutely nothing as I do not believe or support organized religion. --Religious Affiliation: I believe I'm supposedly United something or other. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I believe that there is some essense (or soul) and that perhaps death isn't the end but just another part of the journey. I also feel that all the religious zealots will get quite a shock when God/Allah/Buddha/Vishnu etc aren't there to welcome them in. --Regarding MONEY: I have no idea. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Aug 23 03:06:54 1998 F in lahore, =pakistan= Name: naumana Email: <chohan-at-pol.com.pk> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - yahoo - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: I am a psychologist Recommended Reading-- Writers: w.Chhitack at Stonybrook Newyork - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 3 months ago. Cause of Death: heart arrest; Aged: 50. --Details: I dreamed about the death months back.Sudden difficulty in breathing for two days....then he quitely lied down and closed his eyes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: going away physicaly --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I mourned for days --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My grand mother died when i was only 6 my mother was disturbed ..... --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: last smile --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: i learned to be considerate --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: religion --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: missing him --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: can please him now --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more time with him --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: praying for the departed soul --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: burial rituals and allyes --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could go back to time when he was alive --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I look forward to next world --Religious Affiliation: sufi muslim - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body faith in live after death What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Aug 22 20:20:44 1998 F22 in kiev, ukraine =ukraine= Name: sophia Email: <smoskale-at-brynmawr.edu> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: student, psychology - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: I am a foreign student at a private all-women college in the US, but my family is still in Ukraine - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: "Master and Margarita", Bible, Greek Myths Recommended Reading-- Writers: Bulgakov, Michail - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 7yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 53. --Details: she lived with us all of my life, and died at home, after a long time of struggling with the disease. I saw her die, and helped to prepare the body for the burial. I was 15 at the time. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: When the life processes end in the body, and the person is no longer able to eat, sleep, procreate, communicate or move. It is believed that the person'a ability to think or feel is also gone. Death is sometimes scarry, because humans don't know what really happens to thinking and feeling upon death, and because the person appears helpless and alone when they are dead. Death can also be a happiness, because then the burdens of physical life (pains, moral as well as physicall) are believed to stop with it. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Needed help understanding it, and got none, but now I think I am more clear on the role and significance of death. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... my grandfather, who was the closest person to me, died when I was 4 y.o., my mother did not tellme right away, instead, she promiced that grandpa will be home from the hospital when I come back from a summer (3 months) vacation. The first question upon my arrival was "where is grandpa"? Mom said: he died, just fell asleep and did not wake up. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The irrational fear my relatives developed about also having cancer. I could not underdstand, nor sympathize with, that. --What I think my (ukraine) culture needs to better learn about death is: Being more accepting and less ancxious about it. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Death is always a way out when things in life get unbearible --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Books and music --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Not having them around anymore, missing them --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Keep a good attitude; it is hard to departure when you have to support emotionally other people. Instead, a dying person needs signs of love and maybe even sadness, but not devastation or anger or denial --[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: not feel guilty anymore about not feeling devastated upon her death. I used to feel like a criminal, because I was not enough upset that she died. But I think it is my right to feel the way I do no matter what the society perscribes in such situations. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: The person takes the last breath.. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it was a hysterical laughter --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: be able to tell my grandfather how much he ment ot me, even though he was in my life for such a short time: four years. Tell him how much I loved and still love him --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: go on with my daily routine --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cried a lot --Regarding MONEY: we had to spend so much on the medication, and she did not even have the time to use it. it felt ironic --Regarding the FUNERAL: it was very strenuous, having all those people, and having to talk to them, and greet them, and listen to them talk.. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: how the person was getting smaller and grayer with the illness,as if they were getting further into the death land and farhter from life --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : loss of weight loss of bodily functions bleeding non-stop --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: astrangement helped --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': none --RE: Near Death Experiences: I tried to commit suicide by taking 60 sleeping pills and washing them down with a bottle of vodka. Having done that, I lied down to wait for death, and put on Mozart's Requiem. Before hallucinations and the ambulance, I remember thinking how sorry I was not having visited all the places I always wanted to go, not having done what I wanted in my career and personal life, not having been trully happy. Shortly, I felt greedy for life, which I did not expect of myself. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I am peaceful, although I still wish I had more time with my grandpa. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: Unfortunately, my grandfather never visits my dreams, I wish he did. Sometimes, I dream of my aunt, and get scared when I realize in the dream, that she is actually dead. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I certainly aggree with the right of a suffering person for assistance in suicide --Any thoughts about your own death?: Yes, I thought a lot about it. I think for me, death, however distant, shall be a happy, rahter than sad, event. My life has been rough until now, so death is a long awaited rest from worries and troubles - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying I made up an imaginary world, where, I thought I could travel every night by flying out the window. There, my grandpa was a king, and I was his doughter What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death my parents' way of explaining things: my mom would say to me when I'd start crying about death: it's OK, we all will die, I and your father, too.. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I would volonteer to help disadvantaged children. I would offer them the kind of love my grandfather gave: unconditional and wise - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - good - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? I think some questions can be made shorter: it is too much reading as is. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Aug 22 10:14:55 1998 F14 in NYC, NY =US= Name: Lily Email: <Dilbert686-at-aol.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I remember being at a funeral. I was about 3 or 4, I think. It was my great-grandmother that died. Although at the time I had no idea what was going on, I saw family members around me crying, and I didn't understand why. When I saw my great-grandmother's corpse, I remeber thinking that she was asleep. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Aug 21 10:10:06 1998 F25 in Chicago, IL =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: The Road Less Traveled, Steel Magnolias, my own writings about the death Recommended Reading-- Writers: Elizabeth Kubler-Ross - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 10 months ago. Cause of Death: brain cancer; Aged: 61. --Details: He was my friend, mentor and college advisor. He was just re-diagnosed with cancer the day before my college graduation. The next 3 years had been rough for him but he was a real trooper and danced and laughed to the end. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the complete shut down of the human body. For centuries, humans have held different beliefs about what happens after someone dies. Some think that is is. Once your body dies, that's it. The body is disposed of in some fashion and that's the end of that person's life. The majority of humans believe in some sort of after life. They believe every person has a "soul" which lives on after the body dies. Different cultures and relgions hold different views of what happens to the soul after it leave the body. Some believe that the soul is reincarnated and begins another life in another form, others believe it goes on to meet their creator and start their eternal life there. Because of these beliefs and the emotional ties human build with each other, death is tragic to humans and they can feel they have suffered a great loss. It's very difficult to realize that someone you love is no longer going to be nearby to share life experiences with you. Grieving the loss is different for different people. Some people don't appear to be handling it very well, while others seem very strong. Realistically, those who appear to be handling it are probably falling apart inside. It's difficult to watch someone you love grieve, knowing you can't do anything to ease their pain. It's a process that takes time and support from others. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I felt sad and lost. I wanted to help those grieving around me but I knew that no matter what I did, it wasn't going to make them happy again. That made me very sad and helpless. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my father was home recooperating after bladder cancer surgery. He died in the middle of the night from a pulmonary blood clot while I was performing CPR on him. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how strange my grieving process was. One minute I was happily reminiscing and the next minute I was sobbing. Ironically, others that knew him as a professor, were experiencing the same swings as I was. There was a lot of comfort in that knowledge. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: there us no right or wrong way to deal with it. People need to be a little less concerned with how they look in front of others. I wish people would take advantage of the "ceremonial" process of death. It is a wonderful opportunity to be "human" with each other and gain the comfort and healing that comes with that kind of sharing. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I realized how much my father loved me and how proud he was of me. People told me story after story of things my father had said to them about me. The bottom line was always the same, "you'll never know how proud your father was of you. He loved you so much." I gained a lot of comfort and sense of security from that. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my friends. They were patient and complimentary of my strength. I also gained a lot of support from the promise of my future. Once I realized that life was still worth living, my future gave me a lot of hope. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: The realization that they weren't going to be there anymore. My father's death was sudden, so when I realized that I wasn't going to see his smile, feel his hugs or hear his laugh anymore, it hit me very hard and I sobbed and wailed unconsolably. I felt so cheated. He wasn't going to be able to share life's experiences with me anymore. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Just talk to them. Tell them stories about good times. Let them see how much you love them. Don't let them feel like they are dying alone. Be strong and hopeful. --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: kept it all together. Emotionally, I was so confused and angry I'm surpised I could even make logical decisions. But, I kept my mother from withdrawing from life, I handled the funeral arrangements, kept our house running, got a job to help pay the bills, continued to get good grades, taught Sunday school, maintained some semblance of a social life and put myself through college. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I realized I was only 15 and had my whole life ahead of me. However, I wished I had gone with my father instead of being left behind to deal with the bureaucracy of life. I didn't want to live anymore but I knew I had to because there was so much out there waiting for me. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it's totally normal. Sometimes it's a well needed stress relief. Sometimes there's something funny that warrants a good laugh. There's nothing to be concerned about. Laughter is a natural part of grieving. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: tell my dad I loved him instead of saying I needed him. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: be there. I know my dad knew I was there encouraging him. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I watch a father share in his children's milestones (i.e. graduations, weddings, births, etc. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I would probably not be as strong as I am now. I've learned a lot about myself and how I deal with things and how I should constructively deal with them. If my dad were still alive, I'd still be independent but I probably wouldn't have as strong as a back bone as I do now. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... I was too young to lose a parent. I still needed his guidance to get through some difficult parts in life. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Just take a really big breath and everything would go the way it should. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I sobbed and wailed uncontrollably. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: a positive experience with my father. But, a frustrating one with my grandparents due to the uncertainty of their conditions. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: My grandma spent a week in a hospice before she passed away. The staff was unbelievable. I give these people a lot of credit. As with any job, I would think they would get desensitized to the things they do everyday. But the hospice staff was just as sensitive and caring with every family they dealt with. I was also amazed at how well they could read each family members feelings and react to those needs. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: reassurance and comfort. --Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: very true. The soul lives on. There's a sort of "protection" from the spirits of those who have passed on. People's spirits not only live on in another dimension but their lives live on in those they leave behind. --Regarding MONEY: Everything seemed to break down in the house and my mother broke both her arms a year apart from each other. Her arthritis was completely out of control so she was hospitalized to try and get it under control. So, a lot of my father's profit sharing was used to keep things running. I worked after school everyday for grocery money. Financially it was rough. --Regarding the FUNERAL: how many people were there. The church had standing room only. The funeral procession from the funeral home to the church was 3 miles long. Amazing. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: to see the depth of other's mourning. It made me realize what a role my father had played in other's lives. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Organ failure/shut down. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: certain things were quick to get through and others took years. Also, everyone goes through the grieving process in different ways. They express their grief differently and go through the steps at different rates. (i.e. My anger of my father's death last 6-8 months, my mother's was only a matter of minutes). --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': those of my loved ones who have passed away have not been able to speak at their time of death. However, my great aunt had been visiting from CA the summer before my father passed. One day she was overcome was a strong sense of flowers emanating from our house. My aunt asked my grandma if she smelled it and she said no. After my father passed away, my aunt remembered it and realized it had been a preminition of my father's impending death. She had had that experience with other deaths before. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: None. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would just say that I loved him and missed him terribly. I wish so much he could physically be here to share in all the things that have happened in everyone's lives. I would hope to hear that he thinks I've done a good job dealing with everything, that he's happy with the person I am today, that he supports and understands the decisions I've made and that he's proud of the direction my life is moving in. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: My father has come back in 3 dreams. All were very real. I felt him, I smelled him. One of the dreams was a reassurance to me the night before I went in for medical procedure. He told me everything would be find and it was. The other 2 dreams, I believe was his way of telling me he was crossing over to the other side. Interesting enough, in the first dream I was able to touch him. In the next dream, I was not permitted to. I believe he had crossed over at that time and the dream was just a ways of letting me know. Another intesting story....at my college graduation, my best friend had the weirdest experience. She was sitting up in the bleachers watching me make my up to the stage to receive my diploma. I looked up at her to smile and she was balling. I couldn't figure out why she was so upset. When we met up after the ceremony, she told me she had the freakiest thing happen to her. She said she was watching me and all of sudden she didn't feel like she was in her body anymore but that she was looking at me through the eyes of my father. She said she felt so much pride and she didn't realize she was crying until she "came back" into her body. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: The weeks following my grandpa's death were a fiasco. My mother's siblings didn't like the way he had divided things up in his Will. To make a long story short, he's been dead 7 years and the family hasn't been together in one room since. Happy holidays! I personally think that the last wishes of the dying should be honored and that even though you don't like it and it may not be fair, you have deal with it. It's not your decision. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I'd be sad to know I was leaving this world because I do love life, even with all it's problems. But, I've lived a good life. I would hope my loved ones learned something from my existence. I would hope they would do as I did and live hard, work hard and love deeply. And I would hope that my funeral could really, honestly be a celebration of my life. Play the music I liked, dance and eat and tell stories about the dumb things I did. I hoped they would realize the depth of my love for them and don't be afraid to love a little deeper. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I wrote about the day my father died and won an award at a local writing contest. I then continued the story to encompass the funeral. That helped me process. My grandma (paternal) and I each compiled our own individual photo albums of my dad. That has helped both of us immensely. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I'm very conscious now of chronolizing my life with photo albums/scrap books. It's almost like having a gratitude journal. It makes you realize how much you have to be thankful for. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment Murphy's Law! My family (maternal) didn't know how to deal with my stress level so pretty much ignored me. My mother is disabled and confined to wheelchair, so was unable to help with a lot of the domestic things that needed to be taken care of. My mot --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I talked to a group of higher schoolers about being a college student living in the Catholic faith. At the end, my friend (the teacher) had asked me to read my story about the night my dad died. I did, but to my dismay it sent one of the students into a fit of tears. We found out that her father had passed away only a few months earlier and she was so relieved to hear she wasn't alone; someone else knew what she was going through. As much as it felt good to offer her that consolation, I felt horrible for putting her through that pain. It was a bitter-sweet experience. In my own experience, I had hoped my mother's family would have been more supportive. One day, they were hounding me about numerous issues that needed to be taken care of and instead of helping, they just created more chaos. I blew up and told them to just leave me alone. Unfortunatley, they took me literally and left me alone. That, of course, was the last thing I wanted. I just wanted them to be more understanding and supportive. Instead of creating more problems with their uncertainties, I wish they would have helped me resolve the issues. Particularly, since my mother couldn't help because of her physical incapacity. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I think this was a well thought out and structured questionnaire. It's made me relive a few issues that I thought I had dealt with. This now will allow me to examine those issues and possibly actively resolve them. It's also made me realize that I've come along way. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Aug 20 12:04:02 1998 F17 in Seattle, WA =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2yrs ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 15. --Details: He never really called out to anyone, his death was very much a surprise. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when someone leaves and never comes back. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I cried. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... this wasn't really the first death, my grandmother died when I was very young. But this was the first death that really effected me. I was 15 years old and so was the now deceased. He was a close friend from school, he commited suicide. He od'd on pills, there was no note. I was his best friends best friend so I was deeply involved in the death plus I had known him since my Pre-teen years. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: sitting in my green arm chair holding the phone after I had heard he was dead and rocking back and forth saying "he's dead, he's dead." --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it is a natural part of life, that no one can avoid. We want to be immortal and there is no such thing. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: learning who my true friends were and who I could rely on, no matter what. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: hearing other peoples fond memories, from his family to people who barely knew him. It let me know I wasn't the only one missing him. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: never having a chance to say good-bye or telling him I loved him. --[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: survived it, even though I thought I never would. I am still here and I still miss him, but I made it. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: right after, when I needed answers so desperatley, and there were none. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it was his spirit coming over me, telling me to be happy and go on with my life. My loved one, would have hated to see me so sad. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: hug his parents and let them know how thankful I was that they had brought such a beautiful person into the world. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: cry for as long as I needed to. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I walked into class and his seat was empty and I didn't cry and I actually smiled and felt at peace. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: talking at his funeral. It was just a formality. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: a holiday comes and he's not there. When I think about us graduating this year and him not being present. When I think I am living and learning and loving and he is still a 15 year old little boy. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I can't live a what if life, his life taught me that better than anything. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that God would have made someone so sad that they would take their own life. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could find life's rewind button and just go back to when he was alive. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I freaked out. I started screaming and crying and that was too much, so I went right back into denial. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: compassion and respect. The medics cried when they called the death and they waited in the ER. They really wanted to save him, they did CPR for 4 hours, but he had died in his fathers arms before the Aid Car had even arrived. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing. I was angry at God about the death. --Religious Affiliation: none. I was Unitarian and Presbyterian. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I can't put it in to words. --Regarding MONEY: I really don't know. --Regarding the FUNERAL: how filled with love for him everyone was. There were people standing outside in the pouring rain because the church was filled. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: seeing his belongings. He had a picture of me and it made me think, wow he loved me too. It was the first time I had ever really realized that. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : none. I didn't even know he was depressed. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: time was the best physician. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I don't know if I would say a word, i would just hug him and let him know that he was so loved. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I was driving past a cemetery late one night and I felt a pair of eyes on me. I turned back and there he was on a hot summer night in his favorite sweatshirt and jeans. He was staring straight at me and he just sort of smiled and then he dissapeered. He wasn't buried, he was cremated and it had been two years since he had died, I had chills all night long. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I want to make sure my wishes of cremation and where the ashes are laid to rest are taken care of. Also that, all of me that can be given to give life is. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I think of death all the time. I've always thought I wouldn't live too long, like no way I'd live past 25. I just don't want people to be sad. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: All of his friends and family members made a quilt square and gave it to his parents to make a quilt commemerating his life. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time Only with time have I dealt with the death. I got heavily into drugs after it, so I really ran away from it at first. But now, I can sit and deal with it, thanks to therapy and friends. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial Drugs and constantly having to be where he HAD been and no longer was also hindered me from moving on. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I spent everyday I could with his best friend, my best friend. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Aug 19 20:28:19 1998 F42 in Cheyenne, WY =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: I wouldn't mind reading some of your information, but I have no idea what my email address is. (yes, I am a computer dummy). I will check back with you from time to time. Oh yes, I used to know a J. Sapienza from Cheyenne, WY. Any relation? [ Ed Note: Yep, Hi Priscilla. Same Jerral Sapienza. I do remember you as well... when you figure out how to use your email, then by all means, get in touch! Here's an email link for you: Click on it and write to Jerral now!! ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 months ago. Cause of Death: small cell lung cancer, liver cancer, etc.......; Aged: 72. --Details: She died at home, in her bed. We had only one week of hospice care. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: A transition. Leaving your physical body to pass into the next ?. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...A grandmother died when I was in the first grade. My sisters and I were taken to the funeral home to view her body. That is all I remember. I did not have any further experiences until I was a young adult, when my other grandparents died. I recently lost my mother to cancer. She lived with me. We had hospice care at the very end of her life. It has been very difficult for me to deal with this death, even though I am in my 40's. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: I felt so sad for me, and to see the sadness in my sisters. I have always feared death and the unknown, and to actually be there when my mother passed on, knowing that she was going somewhere I could never see her again, was very sad. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My sisters, and the angel nurses and workers at the hospice. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Feeling I couldnt help, in any way what-so-ever. Feeling so alone. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Tell them it is ok for them to go. Tell them you love them and will miss them, but that they will be in a better place. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I realized that I couldn't really say goodbye, or that I was sorry if I ever hurt her, because she was so ill that she didn't understand what I was saying. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: GO AHEAD AND LAUGH. It will make you feel 1000% better, and you don't even know why. And trust me, there will be others around you who will join in. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: take care of her. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could put it out of my mind and never have to think about it again. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: The doctors were wonderful, and the nurses even more so. I do believe they did all they could, and were honest with us from the beginning. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: We only had hospice care for one week before her death. I felt that I had been sent in an army of angels to care for her and for me. They were always kind and gentle. I didn't feel so alone and afraid. As I learned about the different stages that a body goes through when it dies, even though I didnt want to know, it helped a great deal. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: something to my mother. --Religious Affiliation: various Christian churches in the past, however, I am not involved in organized religion now. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: This feeling I have now is that we are all one, the same. --Regarding the FUNERAL: The church was there to go through the business of the funeral. My mother had joined the Greek Orthodox Church, (she had married a Greek man). They are very specific about what to do. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': Years before, I had a visitation from my 'spirit guide' who showed me a place. My mother was in a beautiful outdoor park, surrounded by many people. She did not see me. She looked so young and healthy. I asked my guide if this was heaven, she said yes. I then asked if I could go back and she said yes. I always remembered this dream (?) and it gave me comfort. Even though I don't understand what this was, it helped me to let her go. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: Continued grief counseling. I am left with all of her personal belongings. We lived together, and I am trying to make this house my nest and yet have to deal with all her things. My sisters are not very helpful in coming into the house and helping me. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would hope her to say that she is with people that she loved and had died before her. I hope she would say that she feels wonderful. I hope she would tell me that the meaning of life is nothing very complicated, that it is just to love. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I had a dream about 1 month after her death. My sister and I were in my house, trying to go over business. My mother walked down the hall and into the living room. She acted as if nothing was wrong, that everything was normal. I remember getting very angry with her, telling her that we had her funeral, that she wasn't allowed to be here. She ignored me, I told her that I was calling Hospice, and they would set things straight. Then it turned into one of my telephone dreams, which is another story. But the part where my mother was there was very real, and I was frustrated and angry. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I believe that you should have the choice of accepting/rejecting medical care if you have a terminal illness. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities Family support, we are all going through the same thing. I am continuing grief counseling through the hospice program. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Aug 19 18:52:48 1998 M30 in St. Petersburg, Fl == Email: <rfsf-at-gateway.net> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: technition - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: The Heretics of Dune Recommended Reading-- Writers: Frank Herbert - It was very intangible how this book changed more the way I live life despite death and not waiting for death - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 2 yrs ago. Cause of Death: brain tumer; Aged: 26. --Details: a nearly instantaneous death brought on in his sleep. He left behind a son and a wife. The tumor had almost no side effects, no warning signs, no reason to ever think he would die that way so young. The ironic part is his son was just pronounced healthy after 6-7 years of medical problems associated with ailments he has had since birth. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of our opportunity to live. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I couldn't accept the reality of the situation without the tangible substance of seeing the body and understanding the only differance in my life is how I'll miss him. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I was sent to friends house so I couldn't watch my grandfather die. But the situation was only worsened by not being able to know for sure about the death, wondering if being there could have made him happier in his last moments or was it right for me not to be there. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: feeling bad about not beeing as visibly upset as everyone else. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: that the death was a more traumatic event for the person who died and that their misery is just that thiers. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: how any death, especially a unexpected one, reminds me that life is to be lived looking forward to a long future and no time at all. No matter how long we have we have there is only one certain, that the time is limited. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: remembering --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: self evaluasion --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: you are not there to sooth your concience you are there to show your love, remember to be giving without being condencending, and remind people that your life is better for knowing them. The only time I feared for my life over a proloned time, I remember wondering if a made a difference to those I loved and cared for, nothing could give me greater peace at the time then to know for sure that I had made a positive difference in peoples lives. --[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: even after the most tragic of deaths, life goes on and the best you can do for the deceased and yourself is take what they offered with thier life, combine it with yours and live to make a better life. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: In the death of my grandfather, it was the continuation. The moment between the time I first found out he had died and the moment I understood what that meant to me. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: n/a --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: tell him what he meant to me, especially as a child growing up. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: n/a --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: my father telling me to make sure I cry or my grandfather wouldn't know that I loved him. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: grieving --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: no crying, but there is a moment of depression when I remember something I had forgotten about him. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... as close as I can get to this is how I may use what I remember of people to help me make a decision (What would Tim do? Would Tim want me to feel like this?). --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that we can not understand the entire process of death. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could n/a --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was remembering the "good times". Virtually my big brother growing up there was a lot of my growing up I could attribute to his influence on my life. Nothing made me happier then remembering the ways he had changed me. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: The medical community is a complex issue. It is very hard to have a business, concerned with the bottom line, and tell its employees that they need to save lives. In the end you end up with a range of doctors that care so much about people that they have devoted thier life to helping them to the doctors the strings a sick and dying patient along for as much insurance money as they can. In my opinion we are tipping the scales to the lower side of that scale and going down quickly. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: n/a --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: they understand grief more than they understand death. --Religious Affiliation: personal reflections into god and his teachings/Baptist --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: pointless, unless you're dead and plan on explaining it to me. --Regarding MONEY: n/a --Regarding the FUNERAL: the total and complete lack of understanding, too tragic for comprehension. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: figuring out when I could talk to others about him without upsetting people. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Sometimes, I have seen the look of acceptance in the eyes, no joy just acceptance. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: hope is easier to maintain when you remember love not when you grieve the loss of love. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': n/a --RE: Near Death Experiences: n/a --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: all issues are over, if my concience could not deal with an event of our lives together, I would have to make sure it never happened again. --If we were to visit one last conversation... n/a --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: n/a --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Basically the time of mourning is a time for the living, if they can live as group defying the wishes of someone they loved (not counting legal precidents) then that is there choice. When they are dead, maybe when they die then the favor will be returned. I really don't believe that the deceased cares at the time what people are doing, however I do believe it would be a lot of comfort for a dying person to believe that his final wishes were going to fulfilled. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I know it possible that I am going to die soon, but time is relative so I also have a relative eternity. It changes everything to know your going to die but it doesn't change the life you have lived and there is nothing that can change that no matter how long you live. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: becoming as close to the memory of my friends as possible and almost trying to put them there with me. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I could only reitterate, that death teaches me about life and demands from a reflection on my life and how it was influenced by the deceased. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Other: death is for the dying - it may be welcomed by the deceased - or not What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other: the inability to express to others why I don't mourn, or they're anger - I just miss --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: just by being there and listening with a caring ear, because I do understand that everyone is different and my way dealing with death may not be the best way. In fact, my way of dealing with death may upset a lot of people who don't truly understand how I feel. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I have never put down in words the way I deal with death and I was surprised remember the number of different deaths and near deaths that effected my answers. I have always known that I seem very cold to people around me in these situations and until re-reading my responses I never knew, as well as I do now, how much I do feel. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Aug 19 13:40:12 1998 F24 in Eugene, OR =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 weeks ago. Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 84. --Details: She was uncomfortable breathing at night, and had lived through two husbands death. She died in her own apartment, where she could be independant. It is a relief to me that she is no longer suffering, and can now be with people whom she was grieved the loss of. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: Your mind leaves your body and returns home to a place where they feel no wrong or sadness, where they can have everything they ever wanted, and finally be reaunited with their maker and people they've lost. A spiritual paradise. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Held it in untill the day of the funeral, then I completely broke down seeing my grandfather there, in piece. But he no longer was going to sit around the table with me and make jokes, sit me on his lap and tickle me. He was gone, in a better place, but it wasn't fair, he was supposto be with me forever. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...it was my father's aunt. I was still in grade school and only had met her a few times. But the pain wasn't truly from the loss of her, it was to see the pain in my Dad's eyes, knowing that he was grieving I wanted to wish her alive again. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Everyone expressed how much they would miss her. Our grandmother was known in her town as Miss Huggie. She gave everyone unconditional love and always, always gave you a hug, even if she had never met you. Her faith in the lord and love, keeps her in everyone's heart. We still are grieving the loss of her smile and hug, but we always have her love --What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is: That is not ever a complete goodbye. It is a "see you later". --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: My other grandmother was in the hospital a few years ago, she is dying and we would all take turns seeing her and saying goodbye. Everyone had but me. Finally one evening I did, I cried and held her hand, told her I loved her. She was unconcious, but I felt as if she knew I was ther. Finally I went home after talking with family. That night I had a dream of her, it was her standing alone in a dark area. She said "It's o.k. Ann, I Love you, Goodbye". Then it was gone. The next morning my Dad came by and said that she had passed away. She knew how I felt, and wanted me to know that she would be o.k. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Family, and the belief in angels and spiritual afterlife. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Knowing that I will never be able to give that person a hug, and it would be a long time wait to see their smile again, share a joke. Or share in the day when I finally get married. I feel as if there is so much to learn from our elders, family past, there thoughts, and feelings. I want to know more of them. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Remind them of how much they are always going to be loved. Everyone will miss them. But where they will be going is a wonderful place where their dreams will finally come true. --[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: felt her going, how I felt bit of contentnous for her. I was almost happy for her. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: How soon does the mind leave the body, what immediately happens from there. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: give one more hug and again say" I love You". And thank you for being a wonderful part in my life. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Have a loving family. Not so many are as fortunate to feel the kind of love that I have felt with my family. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I remember how it felt to receiver her hug, the sound of her laugh, and knowing she was always making sure you knew she cared. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... Grandma, Grandpa and I would be sitting at the table playing a game of cards, listening to Grandpa's over exaggerated stories of his younger days. And Grandma shaking her head, and smiling. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... I felt that Grandpa should have lived just a few more years. I wanted more time with him. He didn't get to meet my daughter yet. I have so many questions, I want to give him a hug. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Go back in time, to be a child again, and cherish the time with them more. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cried and cried. Looked up at the stars and spoke to all my missed friends and family, told them I loved them and if they could visit me some how, please do. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: They did there best. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: My loved ones are in a wonderful place with GOD, and someday I will be reunited with them. --Religious Affiliation: Christianity --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I feel that spirits visit us, in some way, they comfort us. I have had my own experience. --Regarding MONEY: My grandmother had some money, little but some, no one wanted to seem greedy and jump in to take care of it. It was if we were being disrespectful to her. But now we are starting to, and making sure that her affairs are taken care of. --Regarding the FUNERAL: The staff was completely heartfelt. They did their job, and was always making sure that everyone was o.k. Everyone hugged eachother, especially in tribute to my grandmother "Miss Huggie". --The weirdest part of it all to me was: The feeling that she was happy to go. That I was happy for her. And I also feel that she was there at the funeral, walking around hugging and smiling at everyone there. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : When they start to slow down, become more quiet, want to be alone and feel at peace with there life. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I explained above my grandmother's goodbye to me. But one day while driving to work I felt as if someone was sitting next to me. I immediately pulled over and felt as if it was my grandpa's prescense with me. I talked a few, said that I loved him, and said thank you for coming to me. I felt love and warmth during that moment. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I feel as if they really do hear me, and that helps me in the comforting --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: In a dream my grandmother came to me to tell me she was o.k., that she loved me and goodbye. That was the night she died. This was before I had been told of her passing. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I think that I should have insurance to cover any debts. Have all the funeral arrangements taken care of. And currently I am working on a life story for my kids to learn more about me, I always write letters to my kids that are sealed untill the time is right. As for friends and families I keep a journal for them to read and go over themselves. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I would do whatever possible to let my kids, and family know that it was o.k. and try to do something that would make their grieving easier. I look forward to the day I will go to heaven, but I dread knowing what my family and friends will have to emotionally go through to say goodbye. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I speak to the heavens and say my goodbye's again. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? Every time I leave someone to go home, work, what ever. I make sure I say "I love you". - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions Keeping busy and not allowing long periods of time to think of the loss. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Keeping Busy --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I always talked to my mother about her own mother's death. My mother is mentally disabled so it was more difficult for her. I was there reminding her of how wonderful the time she had with her was, and how Grandma knew and felt her love. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It made me think of everyone whom I had said goodbye to over the years. It made me realize what my death may emotionally do to my family, and what or how I can make it easier for them. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Aug 19 09:34:00 1998 F34 in St Paul, Minnesota =USA= Name: Minda Email: <bellsong-at-sprynet.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ] a listing of psychological tests availalbe on the net - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Life, Disability and Nursing Home Insurance Analyst - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: How We Die by Sherwin Nuland, Peace, Love and Healing by Bernie Siegel, Talk Before Sleep (fiction) by Sandra Berg - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3.5 years ago. Cause of Death: second bout of cancer; Aged: 40. --Details: Actually Zoe was not my friend when she was diagnosed with cancer in February, 1995. She was just an aquaintance of one of my friends. But I met her the week she found out, and I was somehow led to help her in her wish to fight the cancer or die at home. On June 15, 1995 she passed away. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the dormant stage of the lifecycle of a human. we are born, we grow, we flower, we wilt, we die. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I had very little feeling about it because I didn't understand. Later my feelings about death changed significantly, and now I find that the time just before death is the moment which helps life to make sense. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandfather died and we were kept pretty much in the dark about what was going on. we were allowed to go to the funeral, but nothing was explained to us and although people kept patting our shoulders (my brother and I) no one said anything. I remember feeling left out and somewhat confused. (I was 10) --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: I felt more alive than I ever had, and I felt energy I didn't know possible. Life made sense and I felt I could handle almost anything. I was embarrassed about this because I felt I was supposed to be drained and depressed, not energized and thankful for life. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: it is normal and inevitable and that it is happening every day, regardless of what we eat, where we live, how we think or how much we fight it. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I found my "calling" in life. Until I came in close, real contact with someone actively dying, I was not aware that I am specially blessed with a heart for the actively dying and an ability to love someone who is about to leave this world, be broken in their loss, and then continue on stronger and more vibrant, as if I am a tribute to them here on earth. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: I think journal writing and quiet contemplation while walking was most helpful. I thought over the good times we had together, and I saw glimpses of Zoe in others around me. Although I don't know I have a specific belief around this, I was comforted when I saw these glimpses of Zoe. It was as if in death she had "fertilized" the world, not just the part of the world she knew, but that which she didn't know as well. It was my own secret joy to find these evidences of fertilization! --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: this question reminds me of my paternal grandfathers death last year. the hardest part of that for me is feelings of regret. there had been a rift in our relationship which we had begun to heal one year before his death, but i felt like i missed out on the one on one attention i would like to have as a memory of him in addition to the more general memories i have of him --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: stay focussed on the needs of the dying person. remember they are actively leaving and we can do best by helping them go with honor by allowing them their wishes. my friend ordered me from the room as her last words before she died. hurt like hell not to be there for the final three minutes after 4 months of hard work and careful attendance to her needs, but i did it. cried my heart out in the hall, but knew i had to go. she was wise, and maybe i was blocking her exit unknowingly! --[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: was able to keep the needs of the dying one ahead of my own personal needs, while finding ways outside her reduced world to get myself fed. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: she ordered me from the room. I guess I assumed if I followed the rules all along, I would be recognized by her as the most important person there. Instead she probably felt that only family should be there when she actually died. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I think that laughter was part of the high energy of the moment. We were all living on a compressed schedule. we had mostly let things temporal fall to the side, we were focussed on what was real. there is great joy in living with real purpose, focus and goals. we had all of this, and it sometimes made us giddy, sometimes made us cry with the sheer joy of each moment. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Talk to Zoe about her estate wishes, things were a mess after her death, and this was my specialty in business, but I didn't want to embarass her by talking business at her death bed. I wish I had spent time alone with my grandfather. He had a great faith in God, and I think he could have guided me in some issues I struggle with. I wish I would have been nicer to my boss. He really was just a decent guy, and I only focussed on his faults. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: be strong and reliable during the death process and the work afterwards. I am glad I was able to help and hold others, and speak the truth about what we were feeling, instaed of covering things up with platitudes. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: After Zoe died, and the funeral home took her body away, I laid down on her bed. It was significant to me because she had been unable to lay down for over four months, and it felt like a victory to do it for her. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: The funeral. Because I was nearby when she died, and saw her after her death, I didn't feel the need to attend the funeral, but couldn't get out of it. It felt like a show, and I had a hard time with that. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I am a volunteer hospice care provider to people who have chosen to die at home (thanks to my personal experiences) I have found that I cannot work with older men who are dying yet, because the death of my grandfather last spring is still too close. I cry, which is okay, but I cry too much and need to much to give what I must to be valuable to these people. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I have written a story about that very topic. In it I talk of how we would have grown to be close friends and how I would be wiser because we would have had more time together to learn from each other and change each other. We would share a horse and ride together and laugh until it hurt. We would probably have many fights because we are both so strong willed. I love dreaming about what might have been between Zoe and I! --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I This question reminds me of the death of my boss at a second job I was holding. I had known him for a year, and said unkind things about him, as one is wont to do, behind his back. i found out one early friday morning that he and three friends had been killed on the way to go skiing. The driver of the car that hit them was drunk. My boss was only 33 years old. I couldn't believe that the man I had flipped off two days earlier was crushed beyond recognition and dead in a ditch up north. It became real when I attended the funeral. His father wailed loudly through the entire service, a cry like none I had ever heard. It echoed eerily through the huge, dark cathedral. I suddenly knew, at the age of 27, that I was not invincible, that I could not plan with great certainty my entire life, and I felt relieved. A burden was lifted. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: This is a tough one. Zoe's care was wonderful and terrible at the same time. I attended her dr appointments, and frankly i think the physician was not honest with her. they knew she would not beat this cancer, her survival potential was zero until you factored in a miracle. and yet they pushed for chemotherapy of the worst possible kind. therefore, she not only was in pain from the cancer for four months, but she was also miserably sick from the treatment that wasnt working. on the other hand, the hospice care she received the last month was great. ours was a weird setup, five unskilled caregivers involved in every decision, every appointment, and always there. zoe was super demanding and ornery. the nurses and social worker that followed her case were graceful and helpful throughout it all. they attended the funeral. they sent us all cards with handwritten notes. they broke some rules when it was necessary. so i have mixed feelings on the subject. basically i have a high sense of suspicion aroudn the effectiveness and motives of institutional medicine, and a great love for the new insurgence of counterculture medicine like hospice, homeopathy and chiropractics. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: See above. I now volunteer 5 hours a week in hospice because of my positive experience with them and because I beleive in what they are trying to accomplish. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: When my grandfather passed, and I still cry when I think of this, the church he attended was amazing. My entire family flew up to grandmas for the funeral, and stayed a week. there was 27 of us. we ate three full meals a day, all home made and delicious, and we never ran out of coffee, toilet paper and cups, plates or plastic silverware. It was so incredible. THAT is what being a witness means. Remembering that people suffering from the death of a loved one need toilet paper. Remembering that they need coffee. Remembering them. Before I left that week I had written over 100 thank you notes. And my grandpa was not famous. Just a good decent man in a small town that knows what it means to love your neighbor. --Religious Affiliation: I grew up in a variety of types of baptist churches, and by grew up there I'm being literal. My parents were there at least two days a week for most of the day, and we were drug along. I developed quite a religious fervor in my teen years and was considered somewhat of a prodigee. Then I went to a private baptist college, got lonely, got pregnant, got married and worked even harder to disprove I was a bad person. In 1990 I moved out of my abusive marriage and the church, in the form of the head minister showing up at the divorce proceedings and publicly condemning me for taking this evil course, turned its back on me. I never waivered in my faith in God, but I began to question everything the church had to say. I attended an ultra liberal church for two years and realized I just wasn't a social christian anymore. Now I do my "God stuff" in private, and attend the church on the corner for the social interaction it offers. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: like the only truth I can trust. We have screwed up so many things on this earth, but we havent been able to touch the reality of death yet. I cling to my death experiences as a ruler by which I measure the rest of my world. Is this real? Is it true like the spirit of the moment of death? --Regarding MONEY: My grandfathers death forced our family to talk about money, to make sure my grandmother was taken care of, and that business matters were attended to. our family hates talking about such things, it's too beneath us (snickers allowed here!) it was very hard as the measily granddaughter to bring things up I knew more about then my father and uncles. we have a patriarchal family and now the patriarch was gone. who would be in charge? --Regarding the FUNERAL: at the viewing of the body at the funeral home, my grandmother, a quiet, stern, unemotional woman, reached into the coffin and wrapped both arms around my grandfathers body. she sobbed as if her heart were truly broken. to see someone who never emotes react like that is an experience like no other. i cannot remember that moment without crying myself. how does she go on? she loved him so much, she lived with him for 50 years, every day, no time away. she kept so many of her feelings inside. and now he is gone forever. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: that i didn't fall apart. i am VERY emotional and i expected to fall apart, but i grow stronger with each experience. i also fear my own death less and less. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : the person seeing things that others in the room can't, conversational threads where it appears there are more talking then you can hear. sleeping more and more each day. bodily functions reducing and eventually stopping, a rattling sound during breath, a disorientation to the present. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: it is best if you can begin the grieving process while the loved one is still alive. as you work through what comes next, you may come across things you wish to discuss iwth the dying before they are gone. you may wish to put things in place to be ready for your use once the death has happened. if you are awake to the dying as a process instead of a moment, you may live life more focussed and effectively, you may say the things you would regret not saying later! --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': this happened. Before Zoe, I really did not believe it. But I saw her talking to her mother, and she was not the type to pretend something liek that. She was a very literal person. IT was amazing and comforting to watch! --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: with my grandfather i feel loss over not developing a closer one on one relationship. to help resolve this loss, i have worked hard to grow closer to my grandmother. we are growing in our relationship and I am learning alot. in a way i am getting closer to my grandfather too, as she often talks about him and i feel i know him better now. --If we were to visit one last conversation... with zoe i would ask her why she chased me from the room at the end. with my grandfather i would talk with him about God, and listen to his viewpoints on the topic. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I mentioned this earlier. After Zoe's death I thought I saw her at a music festival I was at. I was transfixed by this woman, and just couldn't shake the feeling that she was Zoe. It flooded me with joy and comfort and I kept running into her over and over again, even though there were tens of thousands of people at this outdoor music festival. After I saw her the third time, and I can't believe I did this, I walked up to her and took the necklace from around my neck and placed it on hers. I told her she reminded me of a good friend I had just lost, and I thanked her for bringing happy memories to me. She looked very startled at first, and then she began to cry and hugged me. Two weeks later at an art fair in another city 50 miles away I saw her again. She was wearing the necklace and dancing with such beauty and abandon that I sat down and watched her. Again I was flooded with a sense of well being and strength and meaning. The following month I ran into her at the lake near my house (and not near either of the places I had seen her before) She smiled at me and touched my shoulder, but didn't say a word. She still had on the necklace. that was three years ago, and I have never seen her since. i wonder about those three close meetings in a seemingly random series of events and their timing. I like to believe we found each other for a purpose. I don't know what the purpose was for her, but for me I think it was to help solidify the importance of living what I had learned and listening and watching for signs of what I was to do next. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Working in hospice care, I have alot to say on this subject. But my first thought is this: Listen to the dying. They often want something different from those around them, and either don't know how to ask, or aren't being heard. Write down your own desires so you recognize them and can set them aside if someone you love needs a different thing. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I know now that I am going to die, as we all are. When I think about it I am renewed in my efforts to live fully and honestly and for the moment. I am reminded not to leave important things until later. I am reminded of what I am spending time on that is unimportant. I am always seekign to be ready and to help prepare those who will miss me in death so they grow through it instead of merely being injured by it. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Zoe was cremated. The five of us that cared for her went to an art festival that weekend and bought six vases from one of the vendors. in one we placed zoes ashes. then we each took another home. When it was time to release her ashes into the lake near her birthplace, we traveled there, and broke the vase to release the ashes. we then each took a piece of the broken vase and places it in our whole vases at home. The symbolism is obvious so I won't state it. I like having that visible memorial to her. WHen I see that vase I remember who I am, and how I got to be that person. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? i challenge myself to hear and call on the carpet people's misguided attempts to avoid death. i reread some of my journal entries from that time and seek to remain honest to those goals and truths that I uncovered at that key time. I work hard not to waste whatever time I have left. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: As I've mentioned, I have done this through hospice. I also have become a much better insurance claims analyst (my career for 13 years). When I deal with clients on the phone who have a grandmother in a nursing home, a grandfather who has died or a friend who is unable to work due to illness, I look at three pictures I have pasted to my cube wall before I do my job. One is of my grandfather a year before he died. He is beautiful in a way I cannot describe. The same beauty shines in the face of my friend Zoe in the picture I have of her hanging next to grandpa. She has no hair and weighs only 82 pounds, and yet she is more beautiful than any Glamour model. The third picture is of my children. The person on the phone has lost either a family member or a friend. I remember what that feels like, or I look at my children and try to imagine what losing them would feel like, and then I proceed with my job. The heart has to be in it, or all the mean things people say about insurance companies just might be true. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - As always I like any reminder of what is important in life. Your survey had some interesting questions that rekindled some memories I had covered over with the gunk of daily living. Those who love me thank you for the meantal and emotional housecleaning you aided in! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Aug 18 22:35:23 1998 F22 in Baltimore, MD =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: nursing student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 year ago. Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 83. --Details: it was sudden and unexpected - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: something most people are scared of but use religion to cope with it. My own personal belief is that it is a natural part of life and discovering one's own spiritual beliefs will help to make the process easier on the living. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I cried a lot. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandmother died when I was in college. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: feeling very sad, alone, and guilty. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it is a natural, normal part of life. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the presence of my grandmother's spirit when I least expect it. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Being alone and thinking and trying to figure out my own spirituality and how that affected my beliefs about death. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: The guilt about not calling or visiting often enough. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Talking to the person and letting them know that it is alright to die. --[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: discovered her spirit at the most unusual times. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: Laughing is a great way to relieve stress. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: tell her I loved her one more time. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I would have given my grandmother more time. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could have a better outlook on death and see it as a more positive thing. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I became very depressed. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing. --Religious Affiliation: non practicing Protestant --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: like what got me through the toughest times. --Regarding the FUNERAL: there weren't very many people there. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I went to start the car one cold winter morning before work. When I came back to the car 20 min later it smelled like my grandmother's house. That day at work someone gave me a pen with an angel on it. I knew that both events were signs that my grandmother's spirit was with me that day. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time discovering my own personal spirituality What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities boyfriend did not go to the funeral with me ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Aug 18 22:23:19 1998 F20 in vacaville, ca =u.s.a= Name: Elena - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Curious about death and saw your title. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Laborer - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Talking to heaven, Life after death stories and Beyond the Light. Recommended Reading-- Writers: Dannion brinkley - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, almost 1 year ago. Cause of Death: strep ; Aged: 2 days. --Details: She was expected to be healthy and she was very sick right after my aunt had her. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: A transition you take when your job on earth is done. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Couldn't believe that it was true and I wanted to see his body.It didn't look like him it looked like an object. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My aunts little baby died very suddenly and we never got to meet her. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Disbelief and shock that the person was never coming back. --What I think my (u.s.a) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it dosen't mean that life is over just that life as we understand it here is. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: it taught me that there is a better place after we leave this world (that this world can be cruel and there is a place better where we don't have to worry about this pain anymore. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: The knowlegde that god was taking care of the person who died and that everything would be ok because god loves us. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: I haven't had anyone close to me die. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: to share with them that they will be ok and not fear what will happen next. --[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: don't think that our bodies are any part of who we really are. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I realized that that persons body will never walk talk or laugh again. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: was to release the pain. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: See little baby Grace. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: help my aunt be there for her sister when her baby died. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: The life ran away frome his body. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: Nothing the whole thing was important --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I Cried but thought that I can still talk to them now if I wanted to I just don't know how. Like a baby learning how to speak. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System Family and talking to god in my own way. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories Not understand where she went or why. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Aug 18 19:44:13 1998 F35 in Owen Sound, Ontario =Canada= Name: Barb Whittaker - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] I was searching for information on Dying/Death and this was one of the web sites that appeared in the search results. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Wife & Mother - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Dying Well Recommended Reading-- Writers: Ira Byock, M.D. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, yrs 3 ago. Cause of Death: Ruptured Brain Aneurysm; Aged: 54. --Details: My Aunt Nancy died of a Brain Aneurysm brought on by smoking heavily for most of her life. And a great deal of stress brought on by my Uncle Mike(husband). - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a very sad event in our lives. Every human being will eventually die. It is inevitable. When someone does die we have a service called a funeral. A funeral gives friends and loved ones, of the diseased, the opportunity to say a final goodbye and help each other deal with the sadness they all feel. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was 25 years old. It was my Nanny Cole. She died of natural causes in 1988. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my Nanny Cole had lived with us for most of my childhood. I was extremely close to her. When she turned 80, her health was starting to deteriorate and she wanted to go back to Newfoundland. In 1978 she returned to Newfoundland and went into a nursing home in Fox Trap. That was the last time that I saw her. We talked a lot on the phone after she moved back but I never had the opportunity to see her again. She died in May of '88. She died of natural causes in her sleep. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The most recent death in my life was my Aunt Nancy's death 3 years ago. The thing I remember most vividly is all the people who came to the funeral to say their final goodbyes. She gave so much to so many people without ever asking for anything in return. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: What was of most support to me when my Aunt Nancy died was the close relationship that I have always had with my cousins Michelle and Debbie, my Aunt Nancy's daughters. I became so focused on helping them deal with their grief, that it, in turn, helped me deal with my own. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: The hardest part of what I endured as I experienced the death of my Aunt Nancy was going back down to Toronto for doctors' appointments, because I always stayed overnight at her house. Even though Michelle and Debbie were still there, the house still felt empty. --Regarding MONEY: When my Aunt Nancy was alive she was clipping coupons for groceries. She always bought no name brand food(whatever was cheapest). She even got a part-time job so she could have some spending money because my Uncle Mike would never give her any money. At one point, he even went so far as to unhook her washer and dryer to save money. So she was washing everyones clothes in the bathtub and drying them out on the clothesline, even in the winter. Yet when she died, my Uncle Mike buried her in a $25,000 casket. The entire family was extremely upset by this, including myself. He never made things easy for her when she was alive, but he pays that kind of money to put her in the ground. --Regarding the FUNERAL: We were all pretty sure that if my Uncle Mike had treated my Aunt Nancy much better than he did, during their marriage, she would probably still be alive. We all blamed him, to some degree, for her death. It was very difficult for us to keep these feelings to ourselves, but we knew we had to for the sake of Michelle and Debbie. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I think it is very important to make a Living Will. In a Living Will you can state exactly what kinds of extreme measures you want the doctors to take to keep you alive or what you don't want them to do to keep you alive. The Living Will comes into effect when you become unconscious, comatose, or not of sound mind. Your spouse or someone you trust should have a copy of your Living Will and your doctor should have one too. A Living Will does not have to be written up in the presence of a lawyer. I am in the process of doing my Living Will. It will give me great peace of mind to know that my wishes will be carried out, as I want them to be, even if I can't communicate them at that time. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I have a terminal illness called Diabetic Neuropathy. I do not have a whole lot of time left(maybe a year). It is a difficult thing to deal with day after day, especially since my husband is such a wonderful man and we have a five year old son, Tyler. I am glad that I know I am dying because it makes all the little things mean so much more. I treasure every moment I have with my husband and our son. Suddenly you realize that happiness has nothing to do with how much money you have, how big your house is, or how fancy your car is. It's about love, relationships, family, etc. We received a backpay of $8,000.00 for my disability from Revenue Canada. We are far from rich, so we certainly needed the money. But I would have given every penny of it back if it meant my health would get better and I could have a long and wonderful life with my husband and our son. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc. Whenever I would get sad about her death, I would go somewhere quiet, by myself, and remind myself of all the wonderful times I had with her when she lived with us. This helped me a whole lot. As time passed, I found that I was smiling more thinking about when she was alive, and crying less when I thought about her death. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- What hindered me most was that I didn't get to go to the funeral, as it was in Newfoundland. So I didn't get to say a proper goodbye to her. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I think this questionnaire is a wonderful idea. It has given me a therapeutic sense of peace when thinking about my own terminal illness. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Aug 17 09:18:07 1998 F22 in Palmdale, California =USA= Name: Barbara Email: <bmc001-at-earthlink.net> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Recommended from someone in a chat room - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Claims Adjudicator - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: Yes I would like this posted so that someone may respond to me - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 1 month ago. Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 25. --Details: A motorhome ran a stop sign in front of my car on a highway which in turn threw my car into a power pole on the passenger side of the car and he died from massive cranial trauma. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a very horrible thing to have to experience. It is the worst thing I have ever had to experience in my life. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was 22 years old and on the road to settling down. --That first time, how it happened was He was my soon to be husband and he died in a car accident about one month ago. A motor home ran a stop sign in front of my car on a highway. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the 24 hours a day I spent with him and the horrible memories of the accident. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: How to deal with it. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that my daughters life was spared in the accident --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my friends and co-workers --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: going on. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: try to get them to hold on. --[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: have learned nothing. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I dont know why. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I have not had that urge --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: think faster and maybe save his life --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Nothing is going better. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: that he is in a better place now. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I would still be happy --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that he had to die and I got to walk away. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could have him back. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I do not understand the death but have no choice in acknowledging it. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: they did not do enough to help. Maybe if they had gotten there sooner they could have saved him. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: I know it has to be God's will --Religious Affiliation: Baptist/Christian --Regarding MONEY: I feel I only received money was because he had died and I dont want it for that reason. --Regarding the FUNERAL: there was a lot of people who cared about him --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: it is neverending --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': ????? --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: The only issue I have is my undying love for him and only he can help with that. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would only want to know that he is o.k. now. My conversation would entail "What am I supposed to do now?" --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: It was at night in the car and my daughter started to yell that she saw him. She is only 4 years old and just went on and on about how beautiful he was and said that he was white, and said that he was all better and had no more blood on him. She said he was flying and following us although she said that he did not say anything. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Everyone should have a will and should state how they wish their affairs to be take care of. Even if you are young you should still have these things as your life can be taken away from you in an instant with out being prepared for it or with out making sure the ones you have left behind are prepared for it. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I am not suicidal but I hope that my death is soon and I look forward to it so that I may be joined with him again. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I have found nothing to help cope except for the fact that I have to be strong for my children, but as for myself there has been nothing. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I do not feel that my life will ever continue in the fashion that it was would have. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? -none- Nothing has helped What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories Everything is hindering me --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Friends and family are of help but only you can really help your self and I havent figured out how to do that yet. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - the only reason I did this was to hopefully get some feedback from someone who is or has gone through the same thing I am going through now in hopes that I might find something to help me. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Aug 16 18:30:34 1998 F40 in Ontario =canada= Email: <tfishnac-at-vianet.on.ca> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Social Worker - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: I'm interested in past lives - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, yrs30 ago. Cause of Death: heart condition; Aged: 70. --Details: mother's mother...traumatic European decent,emotions seemed extreme,my mother holding the coffin and not allowing the priest to close...taking photos of her dead mother - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: passing stage of life ,it is a cycle it is the cycle of life --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was shocked at the amount of extreme loss and emotion --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: I was able to say good bye to the person as she looked today and I knew her next life would be better --What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is: to speak about what it is....and how one's religious beliefs influence the process of death --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: death is a transformation and is something to not fear - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Aug 16 02:24:05 1998 F22 in Lawrence, Kansas =U.S.A.= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Yahoo search engine - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: senior in college majoring in psychology - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, months ago. Cause of Death: age; Aged: 93. --Details: provided elderly care for her, got close, she died, I was sad - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...drugs - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Alcohol What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Alcohol ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Aug 15 23:44:32 1998 F27 in Hamilton, =New Zealand= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 yr ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 26. --Details: The cancer and his death were a total surprise. I knew that he was ill with cancer about 3 months before he died. His best friend (and my friend) had died 7 years earlier from meningocoxema (sp?) -- extremely suddenly -- he was healthy and then two days later he was dead. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: simply the end of life. I believe that there is nothing more after death. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... my friend from elementary/middle school was ill for a year. I had moved away and happened to be visiting my father (my parents were divorced) the weekend that she died. I wanted to go to the funeral. My father was against the idea because it didn't fit in with his plans. I tried to explain to him how upset I was, but he didn't care. He eventually allowed me to go. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: not being understood -- my husband was very unsympathetic. --What I think my (New Zealand) culture needs to better learn about death is: to talk about it more/better. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: being so alone --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: see him before he died. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I absolutely didn't know how to handle it. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities I was young and already partially detached from the friend who had died (because I had moved away a year earlier). What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities My dad is a jerk anyway. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Aug 15 09:48:17 1998 M28 in Pittsburg, California =USA= Name: Micheal French Email: <MtrWendigo-at-AOL.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Refinery operator - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: none - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GirlFriend, 15 yrs ago. Cause of Death: stabbing; Aged: 16. --Details: I'm still not over it. She was my first love. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: Is liberation from toils of the world, but everyone you leave will miss you terribly. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Ran several cities over and nearly bled to death from stabbing wound. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My first love and I came into a park for an evening stroll. We (I was thirteen and she sixteen) were planning what kind of wedding should we have. A gang came in on one side and another on the other. We, and several others, were caught in the middle. During the fighting, I was stabbed in the leg. I heard her call my name as we were just about clear. I can still see her look as she fell foreward with an icepick in her back. She was pronounced DOA by some doctor. Nothing seemed real after that for a few days. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Holding her for the last time. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: Violent deaths aren't necessary for anyone. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: We met and loved. I cherish that three years. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My Grandfather explaing to me he had done all in life he wanted to do. He was going to go. Then he died a week later. That told me we all have to go, just gotta do everything you can to enjoy it while you're here. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Not was, "is". I still miss them. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Can't answer --[My GirlFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Denied it and that almost cost my life. She wouldn't want me to died for her. Just go on and remember her in good thoughts. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: As she ws in my arms, she reached out for help from me. And I knew of nothing that could help. A consumate problem solver with the last problem and I failed in my mind. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: never laughed during six months, not even a smile. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Avoid the night altogether. Went to the movies instead. LOl --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Give a good accounting of what went on in the park for police, family, friends, and the gang I later joined to help the hunt. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: the surreal feeling, you're mind telling you that there is too many goings on and it'll shut some of it out for you. You're brain is smarter than you are. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: Just being there. I could have really done without that. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: Whenever I smell her scents or hear a song. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I would be happily married with kids. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... I should have been able to find the girl that stabbed her. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could explode --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I Hunted the girl who stabbed Evangeline for six months. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: Death is final. Medicine might prolong life, but when it's over it's done. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: The last place to see her face. --Religious Affiliation: Current - Christian non practicing Past - Pentecostal Hers - Catholic. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: A load of sh*t. God gave us a life and we owe him a death. When the time comes to pay, you pay. --Regarding MONEY: The money we saved for the wedding, by doing odd jobs was donated to a rescue mission. --Regarding the FUNERAL: People were making a living off this. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: The total reverse of character in people. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Waking up one morning without that pain being there foremost and first. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: I handled it badly. I made a wall where I couldn't care less as long as I got to the person responsible. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': Another load of feces. --RE: Near Death Experiences: not the forum for that. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: God can if I let him. --If we were to visit one last conversation... How to straighten out my life. Maybe wake me up. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: yes, she has come back. And each time I didn't heed her words. And each time I should have. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Love them everyday, it might be your last. --Any thoughts about your own death?: If it were unavoidable, I'd make sure my kids now were financially taken care of, then have a talk to them about times to go. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: The hunt for her murderer. When I didn't find her I had to accept this thing. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I refuse to go to the park where she died with someone special. (It might happen all over again.) - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Other: Acceptance, but it was a long time coming. I still don't know what I'd do if I saw that murderer. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories Emotions that come up when a song is played or a scent on the wind. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Her sister blamed me. I let her hammer out her anguish on my chest, then gave her a strong shoulder to lean on. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Numbing - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? Can't focus back right now ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Aug 14 19:24:47 1998 F21 in Washingtonville, New York =USA= Email: <viper214-at-frontiernet.net> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Psychology - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Stay at home mom/college student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 5 yrs ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 18. --Details: She was suicidal for about two years. She finally did it one day. She hung herself on a tree in a nearby park. I felt so guilty because we were not on good terms when she died, but she had been so mean to me. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when your soul leaves your body. Your soul then moves on to a different world, either good or bad. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was 13. My grandfather died and it felt unreal. But since we weren't so close with each other, it didn't affect me too much. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandfather had fallen and was taken to the hospital. He died there. My cousin called my house and told me. I had to give the news to my mother. I was so scared that I felt like laughing. It was weird. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: feeling guilty. I felt that perhaps if I would've had more patience with her and not gotten angry at all the mean things she said to me, that maybe I could've talked her out of killing herself. I had talked her out of it before, maybe this time I could've helped her again. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: Nothing. My culture seems to handle death quite well. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: my family got together again. Before my cousin's death, everyone was mad at each other, mainly because of my cousin's way of being. She made a quite a few people feel unhappy and frustrated with her erratic behavior. But when she died, everyone forgot their resentment and were there to comfort one another. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Just writing. Writing has always been an outlet for my feelings. Also talking with my mother helped, but when you talk with people, they just get all emotional, sometimes you don't need that when you are trying to get your feelings out. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: The loss of our future together. My cousin and I had great memories together before she got weird. Maybe if she was here today and she got better emotionally, maybe we could still be best friends. She could have met my daughter. --[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: I was very loving and caring to others. I helped so many people cope with their feelings. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I went to visit the place where she had hung herself. Just the smell of death and the wet look on the leaves. I was confused as to what would bring someone to this point. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it was probably my nerves. I didn't know how to react. I remember that at a prayer session, we had to say the rosary, and I just wanted to laugh. And I did burst out laughing, and I had to leave the room. Yet, this made me feel good, because my cousin was the same way. I know she probably would have started laughing too. She could never hold back her laughter. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: tell her that I love her. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: help others --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: Giving out the personal belongings of the person. I didn't need to have the watch that she had on when she killed herself. How was that going to help me. The smell of death on the watch was just too much. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I remember all the good times we had. I can't help but wish that things were different and she were with me again. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... Life would probably be the same. We probably wouldn't even be close now anyway, because she had discovered her own new world, and I had mine. We had outgrown each other. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could ask her why she did it. Why she never told anyone, not even me? Why she didn't leave a note like she promised? Just why? --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was in shock. I cried a little, but mostly I was concerned with comforting every one else. It didn't hit me until we buried her. It was then that I just cried and cried like never before. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: confusion. They didn't know for sure what was wrongs with her. They said she had OCD, schizophrenia, who knows. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: having prayer sessions for a week after her death --Religious Affiliation: past religion= Catholic --Regarding the FUNERAL: that people didn't take it seriously. It was like a family reunion. People seemed to forget why they were there until it was time to go. Then everyone broke down. I didn't like this. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : suicidal tendencies, change in personality, sudden hostility --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I dreamt about my cousin for almost two weeks straight everyday after she died. She would always want to tell me why she did it, but the dream always ended before she could. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: My unresolved issues are 1) why she did it, 2) is she still mad at me, 3) was she evil, 4) does she want to harm me. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: Again, I dreamt about her everyday for two weeks after she died. In some dreams she would begin to tell me why she killed herself, but ended before she said why. In other dreams, she wanted me to go with her, and in other dreams, I saw how her decomposed body looked. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: My will and the custody of my child. I would want my husband to take care of my child, but not with the help of his mother. Let's just hope I don't die anytime soon, cause I'll be very mad in heaven. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I would be pretty scared, but I would make the most out of my final days. I would spend lots of time with my husband and daughter. I would also feel kind of excited in a way because I will be going to God now. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Writing - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It made me look at my own personal issues that I still have with the dead person. It made me try to think of ways to resolve these feelings. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Aug 14 18:12:45 1998 F23 in Sherman, Texas =United States= Email: <kirakat69-at-yahoo.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] looked up surveys and polls - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Associates in Psychology - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3yrs ago. Cause of Death: old age/ great grandmother; Aged: 80-90. --Details: My granny was in late stages of alzeihmers and she didn't remember me very well but she still had that cute smile and a flash in her blue eyes. She appeared happy and seemed to sparkle love. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: letting go of everything you have ever known and going either to a place of immense love and joy or to a dark hateful being, lying down for a rest until the Lord judges our souls. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I lost my grandma on my paternal side, I don't remember much about her and I think that is because I was young and the impact of seeing her in her coffin caused me to hide memories in order to deal with losing her so soon. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was that one of my mom's friends died when I was real little and she took me along. I remember her as a ballerina laying on a table in a white dress. She was really in a teddy which she requested in her will but I didn't know that until I told my mom about this memory and she told me about it. I always thought it was a dream until I found out the truth. It's still a pretty picture in my mind. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: That granny actually looked more like herself than anyone else I have ever seen in a coffin. The makeup was a bit much but not too bad. I suppose I wasn't used to seeing her wear any. My cousin Tracy read some special things she did to us and it brought laughter and a sense of joy for being blessed with someone so great. I miss her, the granny that took care of me and spoiled me. --What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is: A longer time to view the deceased, not a place to view them like forever but more than a day or two. To just be allowed more time to deal with it all. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: That at least there was a peaceful death and the body didn't just disappear into thin air. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Understanding that we all die one day and that the Lord is our shepperd. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Losing my high school crush during our junior year. When you lose someone so young you feel such a waste. Not actually that they were but you question God why and it isn't as easy to understand why they had to go when they still had so much to give. That was so hard and I just couldn't believe it had happened, I even told my friend that she was lying. I didn't cry until I was sure, I guess I hoped that if I believed enough it wouldn't be true. When school started back I went to his locker and looked inside. I took his hairbrush, a flannel, and sketches he drew. The next day I took back the hairbrush and sketches because I figured his mother would want them. I couldn't help but keep his flannel because it smelled so sweet and that smell will never leave my mind. I can even remember it now just thinking about it. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: don't dwell on the end as much as you do the time you do have. You can feel sorry for them later, just find as much joy as you can while you can. Sorrow of course will be later so try to reserve it for that. Take photos and make a scrapbook of great things that are accomplished: an award winning smile, a great joke that is shared, holding hands, or simple eye contact that requires no words. --[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: dealt with letting go is to understand and believe that God watches over His tribe and that she was on the list of angels in Heaven. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I forgot how my grandma was before she died. I get really angry at myself because I was nine and I feel that I should be able to remember her better. (I'm talking about my dad's mother not my great-granny(the most recent death) and the way it affected me as a child growing up. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I only laughed at my great granny's funeral because when they read something that reminded of her I could remember how cute she was. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: admit my true feelings to Jason. I wish I would have talked to him more, taken more pictures, and hopefully have told him how great and awesome a person I thought he was. I wish I could have thanked him for telling Jimmy to shut up when he was talking bad about me, I thought that was so sweet. He was popular, smart, great looking, fun, and my only dream guy. After he died I don't guess anyone else ever filled that hole in my heart and I don't think anyone ever could. I liked for five years, he was the only guy that I crushed over for so long. I know for sure that if he were still alive I would wonder about him constantly. I wish that I had told him what a great son he was to his mother, that he looked great, that he held the key to my heart, and that most of he was the most incredible guy in the universe. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: ever see him, to hear him talk about anything, and know such a beautiful soul. I'm thankful that he believed in God and went to church. I thank God for that and I hope to see him in Heaven one day. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: the need for hugs. They add so much, allowing sorrow to join and to know that you are not alone. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: at my grandmother's funeral they had the adults in one room and after the viewing they sent us children into another. I guess I viewed this as their way of saying that we didn't respect the dead enough to stay too long so all I have of that moment are five minutes of saying goodbye. I wish I could have seen her seperately from my step brother and sister. I think I would have let go easier knowing that I could tell her anything and noone else would even know. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: think about any of them just lying in the ground rotting away. I don't like that, I would like them to be untouched and undisturbed in their resting state. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I would know my grandmother for who she really is and know my nickname and just how special she is. God if I could have Jason back alive I would just wish he had been my first and that I would have lived happily ever after with him or at least had his child because I know that any kids he would have had would be incredible and adorable to conceive. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that God takes the people who add so much meaning and joy to our lives and leaves the horrible people who make our lives miserable. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could die and go to Heaven right now. Leave this life and join the angels. I just pray I make it. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I walked into Jason's house and I could hear his mother sobbing in his room. She was locked in there and the pain was so immense. He lived right next to the church so we went over there to the funeral and people were crying everywhere. I wrote a poem for him and brought a picture to put with him in hope that he wouldn't forget about me when he went to Heaven. As I walked to the casket I got scared but I just had to see him to know it was really real. I couldn't believe it was him, not my Jason. He was so still and pale. I placed the poem down beside him along with everyone else's pictures and notes and then I tossed my picture inside. It landed on his chest and that's where all of the football players pictures were. I wanted to pick it up and place it with the other pictures that were lying near his right arm but I couldn't touch him. I turned around and I saw my english teacher and I remembered that my debate partner wouldn't be there anymore so I started sobbing and she enclosed me tight. I wish I would have turned back and touched him but I couldn't. I am so afraid of touching a dead person but still to this day I wish I could have touched him. I wish I could run my finger along his lips, see his lashes flutter, hear his heart beat. Just know that he's alive but he's gone for now and letting go is hard to do. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the eleventh grade and tell him everything I had ever felt even if it meant that I got rejected or hurt. At least I would know he knew. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: disatisfaction because my grandmother died from heart surgery that now a days she would have been able to live through but technology wasn't so great then. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: At the hospital my dad wouldn't let me go in to see my grandmother and I have always resented him for that. I felt it was so unfair and that he took an important part of my life away. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Sunday service, vacation bible school, baptism, dressing up, God and the holy word, the cross, our precious Jesus Christ --Religious Affiliation: Baptist and Pentecostal --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: Yes there is a spirit, it the completion of our souls. We all have one whether it is good or bad and when we die it is very present going one of two places that none of us can imagine. --Regarding MONEY: the kids went through my granny's belongings and divided it up, not equally though. --Regarding the FUNERAL: sitting in the family row on those red velvety cushions and everyone passing around tissues. I can remember seeing people in the audience that I had never seen before and I didn't feel comfortable with them looking at us (the family). It seemed as if they were prying into our emotions. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: when other people did touch the dead person, I just couldn't believe that they could do that. My aunt even kissed my uncle(her brother) on the cheek and I was mortified. It just seems unimaginable. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : I don't know. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: I don't know. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I don't know. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I'd tell my grandmother that I love her and that I miss her so much. It would help me tremendously because I would know what she really looks like, how her voice sounds. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I'd be ready but only if I knew that I was going to Heaven, I'd be scared and I would miss my momma and bubba so much. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Just looking at pictures and remembering. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I saved bookcovers, notes, and folders that I wrote stuff about Jason on and every so often I look at them to feel the realness again. You have to feel that stab in your heart sometimes so that you can feel relieved that your heart never forgets. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness Crying, letting out the pain, and letting go What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Passage of Time I tend to forget things I want to remember and it makes me feel guilty and angry --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I wish I would have talked to Jason's mother and told her how much I admired him. I would have spent years just listening to her tell stories about him and watching videos of him. To have known her would have allowed me to know him even more. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I enjoyed remembering Jason the most because that was a pivotal point in my teen life and I got a smile out of just thinking about him. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? If you could have one possession that belonged to your friend/family member what would it be and why? How did you hear about their death and what impact did that have on your grief process? Who helped you the most at the funeral and how? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Aug 13 18:51:27 1998 F51 in , FL =USA= Email: <klmcc-at-fau.campus.mci.net> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] I was searching for psychology sites and came across your site. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Secretary at a University - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 10yrs ago. Cause of Death: head and neck cancer; Aged: 46. --Details: No one deserves to suffer the way this man did. And for what? At least we are humanitarian enough to euthanize animals. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of our existence on earth in human form. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I didn't understand why my great-grandfather had left his umbrella behind. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My great-grandfather passed away. We had been very close. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how deeply his death (my brother's) affected me and the family as a whole. It was the first time I can remember seeing my mother cry. I just kept wondering, "is this all there is?" I reexamined my life and ended a 29 year marriage. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: how lonely it is for the ones left behind and how much they need to talk about the deceased person. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: it was a primer for my Mother's death. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: smoking pot. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the emptiness, hollow feeling I was left with. A feeling of helplessness. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: blank --[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: used humor to deal with the loss. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: he was dying in the hospital and I was 150 miles away. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: if it weren't for humor they would have had to scrape me off the floor. Most likely I would have gotten hysterical. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: talk to him one last time. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to speak the last 4+ months of his life. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: keep myself together. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I realized what life is very short and the best route to take is to go with dignity. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: I'm drawing a blank on this one. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I hear a song that reminds me of him, or see his grandchildren whom he never saw. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I probably would still be married instead of living with his best friend who is terminally ill. He is a spousal equivalent. I wouldn't be living where I am. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... he didn't do anything do deserve to die this way. Why did he have to go through so much pain. He was too young. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Hide where no one could ever find me until I was ready. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cried my heart out. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: disbelief when they say "we got it all." I've become quite jaded in my views. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: I haven't expeienced that yet. Very possible I will in a short period of time. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: very little. --Religious Affiliation: Protestant - non church-goingee --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: eerie --Regarding MONEY: not applicable in my brother's death. Handled very fairly in my Mom's death between a sister and brother. --Regarding the FUNERAL: it is necessary for closure. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: blank --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : recurring tumors. Weight loss, lack of appetite, disinterest in things that once were interesting. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: time is the best healer. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I personally am not aware of any loved ones who experienced that phenonema. --RE: Near Death Experiences: I know of a co-workers relative through marriage who has recently had very high temperatures (104/106 range) who claims to have seen and been in a field, a beautiful field where people in the distance were beckoning to him yet he couldn't quite make out their faces. This same exact dream has occured 4 times in the past week to 10 days. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: There are no unresolved issues in my case. Both my brother and mother knew I loved them dearly and my brother died within minutes of my calling his room. It was like he was waiting to hear from me to be sure I knew what was happening. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I'd want his opinion on my current relationship with his former best friend and brother in law. He and my lover were married to sisters. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I have no experience with that but would welcome it. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Well, my brother wished to be buried in a cemetery out of state but his wife went ahead and buried him where she wanted him to be. I beleive that a persons' dying wishes should always be granted (as long as it poses no financial hardship). --Any thoughts about your own death?: I don't fear it anymore. I'm in no rush for it to come though. It is hard getting older and seeing all your loved ones dying around you. Life is very hard and very painful. I believe in doing unto others as you would have them do unto you and try to live my life by that creed. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: time and pot....you wanted honesty right? --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? none - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time humor is mandatory or one would dissolve like jelly What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body I viewed the body unwillingly. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Nothing I can think of. I wanted to be alone for the most part. Although being with the family was comforting. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Interesting and long. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? blank ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Aug 13 14:21:56 1998 M39 in Huntington Park, California =USA= Name: Bob Hernandez - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Computer Operator - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1 yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 55. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end to our physical nature and the beginging of our spiritual nature. A transition that we all talk about and all have to go through, but little is actually known! --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I felt helpless and lost. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...grandfather has a heart attack on the street going to work. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The feeling of despair, and deep depression and malancoly. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: Not so much to fear it as to prepare for it as you would a operation or some special event. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: That I learned to be self-reliant, stronger and hopefull that one day I too may be with my love ones. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My therapist, my friends. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the feeling of being all alone and helpless. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: talk to them gently, hold their hand, and remind them you will stay with as long as they want. Just let them know your there for them, whether they are consciencious or not! --[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Took three months off work to take care of him , until he died, never left his side and made him as comfortable as humanly possible. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: Should I speak to him of death , and what were his last wishes. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: to go on a vacation with my friend. I have never been to Las Vegas and he wanted to take me and show my the town,however his illness prevented that of course! --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Cope with the day to day chores of taking care of my friend and seeing him slip away little by little and how strong I was for him. He never saw my fear. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: My friend finally gave up the fight and accepted him death and prepared for it, and helped me to prepare for it also. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: when I hear a favorite tune that he liked or favorite movie or when I see the sports games that he loved so much, which I've lost all interest in. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... That someone who is so kind hearted and gentle and who had such a hard life, and just when things were looking so good for him, he would have to die. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Die! --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I I'm still going through the grief period, my loved one just past away six months ago. However,I starting to feel stronger as the months go by and not as lonely. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: They know so little of what to do for cancer! They still medicine that they've using for the last 20 years! Just different combininations. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: So great! The Whittier Hopice House staff made all the difference in the world! --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Everything! My friend, was kept strong to the end because of his Religion. --Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: That were all going on the same journey! Were all really one family of people, only politics, wars, and man, have seperated us. --Regarding MONEY: We had no issues with money, everything that had to be prepared I took care of in advance. --Regarding the FUNERAL: How much of the funeral process is for the living! The flowers, and high priced caskets, the funeral arrangements in general. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: How well I was able to cope with all that happened and then how everything came crashing down, two weeks later. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : For us, it was made easier by the Hopice staff that described every phase of the death process, and his doctors' telling us in detail what would happen and what to expect. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: The hardest time which I had to call up all my strength, was when He dictated to me his final wishes, and his personal good-bye to me. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I had none, but I'm sure my friend had his loved ones there with him to welcome him home. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I have no issues with my friend, we spoke in depth while he was alive, and I'm glad that I did, beccause I have no regrets now. However, I am seeing a therapist, because I have lost multiple family and friends in the last five years and I have so much anger to resolve. --If we were to visit one last conversation... To tell him how much I loved him, and how he impacted my life! --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I now sleep in my friends bedroom and I feel his presence and I feel very secure and not at all sad. I dream of him often, and he's always happy! --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: The power of attorney! Although my friend has family members, he intrusted me with all arrangements and finances and his Will! --Any thoughts about your own death?: I only hope that I cope as courageous as my friend did, and that I have the support system that my friend did. I use to fear death, now I look forward to the day I can be with all my love ones. For all the people that I loved and cared for are dead! --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Both my friend and I eventually spoke about his impending death, and and last wishes, and we looked back at our life as friends and joked and laughed at times gone by. I only think about these good times and I feel very fortunate that I had such a good friend and such good times. I have a wealth of memories that I can call out when I', blue. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I still go about my daily life as if my friend were still here, frequent the same resturants,etc. I still sit in the same place at church, still have breaking after Mass with our friends. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Someone to talk to and and talk out all that I was feeling. However, when your going through extreme grief noone knows what to say or how to best help you. To me, the most helpful, would have been a good listner and someone just to be there with, even if they said nothing! - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It's great therapy, to be able to speak about things that have plagued you, and were not able to get out. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? If group therapy dealing with grief would be helpful to you and how best to deal with grief, whether to go through it or around it? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Aug 12 18:09:30 1998 F29 in , pa == Email: <skinc-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Other: ] surfing - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: the mutant message Recommended Reading-- Writers: marlo morgan - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 13 ago. Cause of Death: house fire; Aged: 16. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: passing from one plain of consciousnes to another --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...grandparents --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: didnt seem like my reality --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: transition from one part of life to another. death does not end --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I really feel guilty to this day --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I might have come to terms about thinks within myself soon --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: its all about money --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: no organized religion. Why use a relay services when you can get a direct connection --Religious Affiliation: Im an ex-catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: absolutly right. How conceited someone must be tho think that --Regarding MONEY: greed overpowers love in human dispair --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : dont put the space heater near the christmas tree --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': i felt my friend say goodby --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: in laundry room. felt her presence didnt move but felt calm --Any thoughts about your own death?: I hope to die peacefully in my partners arms --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: watched the same movie in a theater ALL day long - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death fear of hell/ confused about reasons ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Aug 12 15:12:32 1998 F21 in San francisco, CA =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 7 yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 14. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when the body housing the brain which makes us think and feel and work and reproduce, either deteriorates or is damaged so severely that it does not work any more, a person is considered dead. It is as they were before they were born to themselves. Only their memory in other people or photographs videos or movies. People usually bury these damaged or deteriorated caucases in the ground, as if the decaying caucases can see or hear them. This is so the people visiting them can feel better about death, when they too die. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I knew it happened before they told me. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...it was my great grandfather, and I wasnt very involved; but i drew him a picture and blew it into the wind thinking it would reach him in heaven, because I was not allowed to go to the funeral. I didn't know him well but I thought I was supposed to react a certain way to death. I think I was just reacting to this said criteria. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: when I heard the news, and burying them --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that everyones gonna go, and to stop pretending that they are going to some sacred place. ITs just gonna be like before they were born. And they wont even know, because there is no brain to contemplate weather they are happy or not because they wont exist. And the whole open casket funeral thing has to go too. What century is this??? --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: there suffering is over. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: crying, dreams where I confronted any guilt about the relationship or death --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Not having them around any more. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: I would want them to do that for me. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I came back to life. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: NEVER --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: learn all I could from them before they went. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I just gave up. and do whatever i feel like, whenever i want - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Aug 12 08:32:49 1998 F16 in Quezon City, Manila =Philippines= Name: TaLyA KiNTaNaR Email: <TaLyA-at-2die4.com> Web: http://www.ben2.ucla.edu/~aladdin/index.htm - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Read About it: ] Just surfed on it!!! aightz! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Student! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: nah....itz incomplete.... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: nada Recommended Reading-- Writers: nada - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 3 months ago. Cause of Death: Car accident; Aged: 16. --Details: He was at the back seat...he got thrown out of tha car 20 meters away from tha car...and he died... :_( - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: tha next stage... (Life goes ON) --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I really really felt bad!!! actually this is kinda mah first time to experience like this....dang! --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...he was mah boyfriend...and i love him so much...he died like we kinda fought like had a gap...and i regret it till now...i dreamt of him before like he was sayin' bye....and he said that he loved me... :_( --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The way he smiled at me...the way he kissed me...and when i remember about him in his couffine i feel sad... --What I think my (Philippines) culture needs to better learn about death is: You have to let go.... --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: i know that he's happy now...and that his mission is done here... --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Talkin' with his family bout him...cryin' on with mah friendz... --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Like i didn't really believe that he was gone...itz really hard...Lettin' someone as much as i love go... --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Always be there fo them.... --[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: feel about it... --The most confusing point of death for me was when: the first time they told me that he died....i was shocked...and didn't believe it... --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I MISS HIM....thats all i can say... --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Hold him for tha last time...kissed him for tha last time...told him how much i appreciate what he did ALL the things he did to me...And said that I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!! --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: ???? --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: Getting over it... --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: They think itz just this easy to get over someone...But they dunno how hard it is... --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I remember out fun times together...the way he hugged me...:_( *sigh* --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... i dunno....i just wish that he's here with me...whatever dimension...I just want to be with him!!! --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... That he went ahead...and left me like this...itz just ssooohh unfair....life is sooohh unfair!!! --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Die and be with him!!! --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I Just prayed to God...and within mah prayer i talk to him... And i kinda thought that LIfe does goes on!!! --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: ???!? --Regarding HOSPICE etc: nada ?!??? --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: That God just needed another Angel thats why he was taken by God... --Religious Affiliation: He's happy now with God in heaven!!! --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: Like he's still here with me...but i know that he's with God already...all i feel now is memories of him in my heart...he's with God watchin' me right now... --Regarding MONEY: ?!??! --Regarding the FUNERAL: All of his friendz was there....i don't get tha question... --The weirdest part of it all to me was: I didn't dream of him...or he didn't feel his soul to me...till i was ready... --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : ? --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: ??! --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': He said goodbye to me in mah dreams...he said that he loved me...he said to tell his parents that he was aight now...and that he's happy now!!! --RE: Near Death Experiences: nada --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: ?!? --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I was ssoohh gulity coz we had a misunderstanding and i kept on prayin' bout him that i was sorry...and when he showed up in mah dream...it was ssooohh real...he hugged me and kissed me...he said i love you and said goodbye...!!! --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: If he shows up in my dream again to talk to me... --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? ?!? - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People cry on mah friendz What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial I miss him thats that! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Aug 12 00:39:50 1998 F24 in , =usa= Email: <dms24-at-yahoo.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: hospice - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 4 days ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 88. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when the body shuts down and stops working. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I wrote letters to her and expected them to disapear, as if she came from heaven and retrieved them herself. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandmother whom i didn't know well died at the age of 84. i attended the funeral --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: she didn't die in a peaceful serene way, like i expected. she never saw anything beautiful, and was very scared even though she was very spiritual. this makes me feel scared and empty, afraid that maybe there is only death itself. --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: how to deal with survivors. people console and the very instant and then go on with their lives, and the survivors are still hurting and feel very alone. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the day she died i felt an extreme sense of urgency to be with her, i told her how much i loved her, and how much i'd miss her and everything i needed to get off my chest. and i knew she'd die that day, and even the nurse didn't think she would. i'm glad i got the opportunity to say absolutely everything and nothing was left unsaid. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: i haven't found that yet. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: that i thought she suffered, and thought she was scared. i miss her daily presence in my life. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: i don't know, i don't think what i did was right. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: the moment she finally died, and look on her face --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: i wish i hadn't stopped praying for her to live. the day i quit praying for her to be well was the day she died. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: tell her everything i was feeling about her dying, and stay with her all night. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: i think about the fact that someone who gave me so much love, will never be there for me again. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... i would be feeling safe. she would be well, i would have met her sooner, she'd be like an adopted grandmother. i would embrace every moment --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that she suffered sooo much with her illness, and was waiting graceously for death, then when death came she was too scared to willingly go, so she fought and suffered and died miserably. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could find out where she is, what she was thinking and feeling when she died. know that she still exist somewhere, and that she is not afraid. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I yelled at god, or what i thought was god. i begged for some kind of sign that she was out of pain and okay, and it never came --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: disbelief. they didn't do much --Regarding HOSPICE etc: i was a hospice worker who had a client for a year that became one of my best friends. i know i was too involved emotionally, but was unable to reverse that. my fellow workers are not very supportive of the grief i feel as it is my own fault i got too involved.my family doesn't understand how i could have so much grief. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: i've questioned my belief system, daily. --Religious Affiliation: have been involved with the mormon church and also the methodist. have been very spiritual without attending organized religion lately. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: more realistic. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: how intensly i am grieving. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : an emptyness in the eyes, restlessness, aggitation, cooling of the body, noisy breathing or gurgling. apnea an internal feeling in yourself. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: i was angery, sad, angery, sad, depressed, sad. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': i was suprised she had no such experience. that's what worries me, i have seen others have such experiences, but not her. if she would have she may not have been so scared. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: the only unresolved issue is the death itself. i don't know how to resolve it and i don't think it can be. it's completely changed how i view my job, and my life --If we were to visit one last conversation... i would want to hear that they are okay, they can hear my prayers to them. i would be really okay if i knew that. --Any thoughts about your own death?: in some ways i want very much to know what's on the otherside myself. in other ways i'm very scared. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: i always write poems and just write. i sleep alot too, it helps alleviate that terrible emptiness that won't go away --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? i keep a more professional distance from my clients - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other: i always believed there was something on the other side, but never saw proof - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - it helped to feel like i was telling someone. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Aug 11 15:09:57 1998 F27 in Front Royal, Va =USA= Email: <nrnetpooh-at-yahooo.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Certified Health Care Provider - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 6 yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 54. --Details: I had never "watched" someone die. My soon to be father in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was within 6 months he was gone. I guess I was the "shoulder to cry on" since I wasnt part of the family yet. I dont think I ever expressed my feelings about it and I think I got through the whole thing by cracking jokes. Thats how I handle alot of stressful situations. Soon after that, I started having panic attacks--I just figured out why not to long ago. I am terrified of death and heres the ironic thing---Im a nurse assistant! Anyway--We were all sitting by his bed for about a week and just watched him take his last breaths. I didnt want to let the emotion show, so I didnt. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: painful! I dont think dying is painful I think the pain is shared by the family members and friends. You fall into a deep sleep and share the rest of eternity with whomever you thing your maker is. It is the end. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was standing in the hall and my Dad came to me and said, "Grandma just died." His Mom. I think it hurt me more to see my father hurt than the actual death. I was only 15. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My grandmother died in the hospital and I avoided the whole situation. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: My husband crying, "Dad I love you". --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: I dont know. My family never really talked about death. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: All the people close to me that have died, are in a better place now. All family members that died were suffering and in pain. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my sense of humor. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: I didnt let my feelings go. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Share all of your emotions--no matter what they are. --[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: held back and now, Im paying for it. Its not worth it to not let go. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I was trying to keep all the plans together and be the gopher. I was running around so much that I dont think I had time to figure out what was going on. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I didnt do that--thank god! --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: slow down and cry. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: be there for my husband. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: My husband just took control of the whole arrangements. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: It was all important to me. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I havent got there yet. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I know my mother in law would be happier. I just think we would have alot more happiness in our families. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... people have to suffer before they leave us. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could When I have panic attacks, I just want to run--dosent help though. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I still havent come to that point. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: Dont really remember. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: My husband did that and I feel that they were friendly and helpful. It seemed that they cared too. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Pray for god to take him into his arms. Ask that he go comfortabley and ask that he be with everyone who needed support. --Religious Affiliation: My husband is Catholic and I am Lutheran. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: like my father in law is always with us and knows more than we do about anything. --Regarding MONEY: It didnt. My mother in law got out of debt but thats about it. --Regarding the FUNERAL: alot of love and alot of feeling shared. Good times and bad times were shared. It brought everyone together. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: I felt totaly out of contol with everything going on. It also seemed unreal, like none of this really happened. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Oh Boy.....Weakness, poor vision, feelings of illness. Theres is also a certain smell to the dying breath. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: I still havent gotten over it~ time does not heal it. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': He never went through that. If he did, He never shared it. --RE: Near Death Experiences: My first panic attack was the closest I ever felt to death. I didnt see any lights or meet people though. It was just terrifing! --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I have talked to him at his grave before. I fortunatly dont have any unresolved issues. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would like him to see his grandson and see how well his son is doing.I would wonder if he accepts me. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I was lying in bed and I saw my father in law walking down the hallway and then he was gone. It was not phenomenal or anything. No words were spoken, he was just there. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I always try to keep my "affairs" in order. I would not want my son going to state or my husband being left with nothing. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I think about death all the time. I do not want to leave my son. I dont want to put my family through the pain. I can think about it all I want but I cant do a damn thing about it! When its my time--its my time! If I knew I was going to die soon, I would certainly live it the best I could. I would probally write alot of letters. Get alot of feelings out of my system. I really dont know why I cant do that now. I guess Im a sissy! I dont think Im afraid of dying but I do worry about how it will affect my family and friends. The last thing in the world I would want to do is hurt my son. I would not want him going through life without a mother. I wish I knew how not to think about death all the time. Got any pointers? --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I wish someone could share with me! --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? none. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? How well What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything I havent dealt with it yet! 14 years later.... What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial Afraid to face my feelings. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: A shrink! I wasnt sure how to and still dont know how to express myself. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It felt good to get some of it out. I kinda stayed with my same feelings about the subject. I think it showed what a wimp I am about getting things out in the open and I'll work on that. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? I feel the topic was covered very well. In all honesty, I didnt think there were that many questions about death. I think about it all the time but not to the extent I did tonight. Thank you.... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Aug 11 00:46:53 1998 F59 yrs. in Redlands, California =USA= Email: <bzboo-at-gte.net> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: On Death & Dying; Final Gifts; Celestine Prophecy Recommended Reading-- Writers: Elisqabeth Kubler-Ross; Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley; James Redfield - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 15 yrs ago. Cause of Death: Alzheimer's Disease; Aged: 81 years. --Details: I was holding him at the time of his death. It was peaceful. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of our physical life and the extenwion/beginning of our spiritual life. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I felt confused and frightened. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My Grandfather died of natural causes at the age of 101 years. It was expected, yet sad because he was such a wonderful person. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the sense of awe I felt. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it is a normal part of life. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that I felt privileged to have been able to witness the moment of death. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my own sense of peace. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: my own personal loss. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: to hold a hand, to embrace and to talk reassuringly of your love for them. --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: felt the need to hold him in my arms while he died. Since he had advanced Alzheimer's Disease, he was very childlike. I wanted to express to him that he was loved and cared for. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: he would stop breathing and then begin again several minutes later. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I did not experience this emotion. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: understand some of his 'reaching out' during the last few days of his life. His attempt to communicate with his eyes is still baffling to me. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: be there. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: there seemed to be unfinished business to which my father needed to attend. He searched the room frantically with his eyes two days before he died and finally began communicating strictly by facial expression; with tears streaming down his checks and using a pleading expression. He grasped my hands meaningfully during this attempt at communication. This went on for about 15-20 minutes. Then, he lapsed into a semi-conscious state for a couple of hours. He awoke and repeated the process. This time it lasted only about 5 minutes and seemed less frantic. After that, he slipped into a coma and died two days later. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: the actual time of death. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I remember his response to my telling him, "I love you." He would wink and say, "Me too, kid." --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... We would be in a serene place of perfect peace and we would be equal spiritual beings. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... because he would never have wanted to live like this. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could let him know that I forgive him for his failings. I hold no grudges or hatred. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I told him to go to the light, to go in peace. I told him I was happy that he was at rest now. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: confusiion. The nursing staff around us kept questioning why we did not begin tube feedings or at least IV fluids. They expressed concern because we were just, ". . .letting him lay there and die." He had no quality of life, but they still tried to make us believe we had an obligation to sustain that life at all costs. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: I had no contact with hospice, but I believe we utilized the hospice approach ourselves. Our goal was to keep him comfortable and not hasten nor prolong his suffering. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: that God brings us into this world and when it is our time to depart, we need to go with as much dignity as possible, in a natural way. --Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: like quiet awe. It is the releasing of the spirit that brings reality to our very existance. --Regarding MONEY: we tried to keep the 'cost' of dying as reasonable as possible. We had discussed issues about fancy, expensive funerals many years before and we are all in agreement that a pine box is all that is necessary - an just as dignified as anything else. --Regarding the FUNERAL: how many people knew and loved my father. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: after his death having to put on the professional hat; witness the moment of death so the MD could have a time to enter on the death certificate, call the coroner, and prepare his remains for the mortician. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : the discoloration (mottling) on the legs, the changes in breathing patterns as death becomes imminent and how normal it is for the body temperature to rise. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: some anticipatory grief was experienced, but it did not eliminate (but may have attenuated) the grieving process that took place after his death. I was not prepared to be driving down the freeway six months later and burst into uncontrollable tears for no apparent reason. I have found that there is no real time frame for grief. It is always with me - but in a lesser form today than it was 15 years ago. I believe it is just a different part of the relationship between he and I. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I wonder if his frantic searching and crying were a part of this experience for him. I will never know. I honestly believe in these experiences, but do not know with certainty if he entered this arena. --RE: Near Death Experiences: As a seven year old child, I had an experience in a swimming pool that has probably changed my view of death and dying. I remember losing consciousness and not feeling afraid. I remember watching the man bring me up from the bottom of the pool and all people running around. I couldn't understand all of the excitement. They turned me over and began pushing on my back. They insisted upon arousing me from my peacefulness. I was conscious of reluctantly 'returning.' I was not consciously aware of my experience until many years later when I began studying death and dying. I have felt at peace with the concept of death for as long as I can remember. Even as a teenager, I couldn't understand why my peers were so fearful and repulsed by the idea. I know death as a warm and peaceful experience. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I had to get professional help to resolve my issues. I do not believe I have missed any. But, if anything new ever surfaces, I will return for the help that I know is out there in the way of professional assistance and support groups. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I've never given this much thought! I've known that I could talk to him - but I never dreamed of the possibility of a last conversation. I would probably like to hear him say, "I'm sorry." And, I'd like to tell him, "I love you and you are forgiven." --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I have not experienced this phenomenon personally. I have been with others who welcome people, that I do not see, into the room. I was with a lady once who made room on her bed for her cat that had died many years before. My belief is that this experience is to be treated gently and with dignity. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I believe every person should have a Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care. Even if your loved ones do not wish to discuss your eventful demise, the subject needs to be discussed. They need to know your wishes and agree to speak openly in your behalf when you are unable. If they cannot agree to follow your wishes, find someone who will! Dying with dignity is every person's right. When the body is spent, the spirit must be free to go. Artificial means of life support are undignified in the big picture. --Any thoughts about your own death?: Sitting here in a healthy body, I can get pretty philosophical about this topic. I imagine I would be pretty upset if I were told I only had a limited time left. I really enjoy the here and now. But, once I got past that, I hope I'd be able to die 'gracefully.' I do not fear death - but, I don't anticipate its arrival any sooner than absolutely necessary. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I was able to write many letters to my father, wherein I could acknowledge, confront and finally forgive him for some of the things he had done. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? When I feel the need to communicate, I take consolation in the fact that I can just talk to him and he hears. I no longer have to write letters to him. I can talk now. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I have become involved in Hospice since the death of my mother 5 years ago. This is where I belong. Initially, I became a Volunteer. I am now Volunteer Coordinator and Medical Records Coordinator. I am studying for my Masters in Social Work to further my involvement in Hospice. A hand to hold and a hug were/are the most beneficial at the time of loss. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I shed a few tears as I was able to remember my father. I felt warm, sad, angry and joyful. It is just like the stages of death in miniature. I ping-ponged through these feelings as I proceeded. The main feeling that I am experiencing right now is reassurrance - a feeling of easy comfort. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? It might be helpful to ask people if they know what Hospice is. Your one reference to Hospice gives the impression that the general public is knowledgable about it. I have found that there is much ignorance about its function - even among medical professionals. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Aug 8 23:33:11 1998 M50 in PENSACOLA, FL =USA= Email: <JGRACETRI-at-AOL.COM> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] LOOKING FOR A WAY TO EXPRESS MYSELF - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: COMPUTER PROFESSIONAL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 50 yrs ago. Cause of Death: OLD AGE; Aged: 81. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: GEATH IS A PHYSICAL THING THE BODY STOPS FUNCTIONING. HOPEFULLY THE SPIRIT CONTINUES. --That first time, how it happened was 2 YRS AGO MY PARENTS CAME TO LIVE WITH US. DAD(79) MOM 68. DAD ILL WITH NEROPATHY(SP). WHEELCHAIR BOUND. HE WAS WELL AND COULD COMMUNICATE AT FIRST BUT HE SOON BECAME WITHDRAWN AND INCONTENT. HE BECAME ILL AND DID NOT WANT TO PROLONG HIS LIFE. WE WERE WITH HIM LAST NIGHT AS HE DIED. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL PASSAGE FOR US AND HOPEFULLY HIM ALSO. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: THE SUPRISE AT HOW PEACEFUL IT WAS --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: MY DAD IS AT PEACE NOW --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: MY BELIEF THAT IT WAS FOR THE BEST --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: THE UNSAID AND UNDONE THINGS WHICH NOW CAN NEVER HAPPEN --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: SAY AND DO MORE WITH AND FOR MY DAD --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: HAVE HIM LIVE WITH ME AND BE WITH HIM AT THE END --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: MY THOUGHTS TURN TO THINGS WE DID TOGETHER --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I WOULD BE UNHAPPY TO SEE MY DAD DIMINISHING DAY AFTER DAY --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: NOT MUCH --Religious Affiliation: WASP --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: THINGS A BETTER FOR THE DECEASED NOW --The weirdest part of it all to me was: THE RELIEF I FELT AT THE END --If we were to visit one last conversation... I LOVE YOU DAD. I MISSED YOUR WIT AND STRENGTH. TO LET HIM KNOW HOW MUCH APPRECIATED HIM. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: ALL THE DETAILS OF YOUR LIFE --Any thoughts about your own death?: LET IT BE LIKE MY DAD SURRONDED BY FAMILY AND LOVED ONES --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: BEING WITH HIM AT THE END --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? MY DAD IS BURIED ON MY SUNDAY MORNING BIKE PATH. I CAN STOP AT TALK TO HIM. I WILL PROBABLY TALK TO HIM ABOUT EMOTIONAL THINGS MORE IN DEATH THAN IN LIFE. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Later Life How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? The Death Vigil YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT WAS FOR THE BEST What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death THE UNKNOWN - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - IT HAS HELPED ME EXPRESS MY FEELING IN AWAY I CAN NOT DO VERBALLY ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Aug 8 10:18:03 1998 F21 in Sopot, =Poland= Name: Monika Samsel Email: <samsel-at-friko2.onet.pl samsel-at-polbox.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: student, humanities - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 9 yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 77. --Details: she had cancer. At first it was breast cancer butafter few years she had her right arm amputated and then she died. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: is a process , it's passing by to the other state, the other world, where people are happier. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I wasn't shocked at all.It was normal for me. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...it was my granddad, and earlier my uncle- we visited his grave, and my mum told me that he died many years ago. I remember that I had a toy-phone and then I pretended that I could call him to heaven and I talked with him on the phone. I guess that I was 3-4 years old. My granddad died when I was 7 years old, He was ill and had to go to hospital. I remember that my mum was very nervous about the whole situation, it was a big stress for her and her sister.I didn't participate in the funeral. --What I think my (Poland) culture needs to better learn about death is: that there is no need to be scared. And that we are ALL mortals. we all have to die and there is no escape. so it's silly to say eg to people who have AIDS- 'Oh God, you will have to die". People think about death that it's a taboo. That it can only happen to others. They also forget that we have only ONE life, and we have to do our best to make it better --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that my grand mother didn't suffer anymore. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My parents talked to me, tried to explain me. It was a big help. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: My beloved cousin died when she was only 17 because of cancer. I just couldn't understand that sucha young person can die.I knew that old people have to pass away but why teenagers? --The most confusing point of death for me was when: It sometimes necesssary to tell lies and to say that everything will be allright when everybody knows that it won't be --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: have more patience smile just be there --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: my garnd mother didn't recognize me. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I think how important my grandmother was and waht she would say if she could see me now when I am an adult. And sometimes I think that she observes me and takes care of me. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... It won't differ at all. There just won't be death&co. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... It was when my cousin died --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I started to cry --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: Doctors sometimes treat people as cases not as human beings. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: It was white, hostile and full of unhappy people.You just can't drop any time you want but you have to wait for soem ceartain hours. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: it was a kind of consolation. --Religious Affiliation: I am a Roman Catholic although I am not the kind of person with strong beliefs. --Regarding MONEY: the family had to sit down and share waht left- it wasn't nice at all. --Regarding the FUNERAL: there is too much noice, you have to prepear meals for those who come from far away, you just don't have time for mourning.Maybe that's better- you just have to live. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I remember that a month before my cousine died we had moved to the new place. It is a superstition that the first dream comes true - and I dreamt about a cementary and a new grave (I wasn't aware then that my cousin was so seriously ill). On the day of her death (before we got the message)I passed the cathedral by, it was noon so I could hear the bells- I asked my mum - To whom the bell rings? - few hour later we got know that Eve died. I was 11 years old. --RE: Near Death Experiences: I was a premature born baby so you may say that I am used to be on the verge. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would just say that I do love them and I care indeed and I try to be as good as they were. And I miss them very very much --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: Sometimes I dream about by Grand mother. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I wouldn't like that people would be able to se my corps in the coffin. I wouldn't like my grave to be huge and I wouldn't like to be burnt. I don't want them to cry. --Any thoughts about your own death?: If I happened to know that I would die pretty soon I would try to live better, to give myself a chance to do things I have never had opportunity to do before. I would like to talk with people I had hurt and ask them to forgive me my tresspasses. I think about death almost everyday.I guess that's normal.I would love to be prepared --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I visit the grave og my granny when I have to make up my mind - it really helps. I always have her picture with me - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body The sight of dying person, ill and sick, at hospital- when my Grandmum died, she had been at hospital and we were aware that she was dying.She suffered a lot - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I really liked it, it made me think about many things a bit. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Aug 8 10:02:28 1998 F55 in Oakhurst, CA =USA= Web: http://WWW.sierratel.com/neva - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: writer/speaker/minister - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 13yrs ago. Cause of Death: sudden illness; Aged: 65. --Details: illness, then hospitalization then death... it was a shock and surprise to the whole family -- I was very close to my father and had a healthy and fulfilling relationship with him. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of all we know and the beginning of what is yet to be discovered --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I felt squeamish and scared --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... heard about an auto accident in which friends of my family were killed and seriously injured --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: all the unspoken affection and appreciation I had for my dad. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: In my Christian culture -- we fight it too much and don't act as if we really believe what we say we believe about being with God for eternity after death -- we fight too hard to not die. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Hearing how much my dad also meant to others --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: prayer and meditation -- inner strength -- --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the inability of some of my siblings to cope with dad's death --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: don't be afraid to talk about the changes going on -- say goodbyes and speak of your love --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: found strength in my faith in Jesus Christ and His ability to pull me close for comfort --The most confusing point of death for me was when: the midical profession thought we wouldnt'want to watch --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: the alughter gave the same emotional release as crying --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: tell him how much i appreciated him, his personality and how he let me grow into being my own person -- even through our sometimes heated theological and doctrinal discussions and disagreements --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: comfort my mother and be a strength to her --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: the hospital personnel gave me dad's personal things... they still smelled like him. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: the casket -- my brother and I selected it on the price range, not emotionally, but practicality --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I see someone who looks like dad, or when I accomplish something I'd like to share with him --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... it wouldn't ... except of course, that dad would be here sharing our lives --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... he had no chance to see my grandchildren or my son grow up into a fine man --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could I haven't had this experience --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cried, sadness at the separation and knowing I would miss him. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: lack of information and hesitancy to tell us how serious his illness was and how near the end he was --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: support, comfort, extended family --Religious Affiliation: Prostetant -- Assemblies of God --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: unfamiliar --Regarding MONEY: dad left mom in a rented house with no income and no savings. Five siblings were to share the expenses of dad's funeral and getting mom on her feet -- unfortunately that fell mostly to me. --Regarding the FUNERAL: how alone I felt... no one could really share my personal grief or experience at that moment --The weirdest part of it all to me was: moving up in the generational line... the older generation dies, I become the older generation... --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : have no experience with this... not really. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: I let myself feel totally the pain of it... I was determined that this pain would reflect my relationship with Dad. Iloved him deeply, I would miss him terribly, I would feel it acutely. I let myself hurt. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': none -- he did hallucinate, but not about things from the "other side" --RE: Near Death Experiences: I was very ill once, after dad died... I felt the intense presence of God and His attendance. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: Thank God, it is fully resolved... I can't wait to see him in heaven... I will go with a clear mind and heart. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I'd like to give him an update on my life and kids and grandkids... my work and ministry involvement. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: funeral preferences should reflect both the wishes of the dying party and the survivors... to send the departed off in his choice of service and burial, but to also comfort and attend to the needs of the grieving. I think organ donations should reflect the wishes of the dying party more than the surviving family or friends. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I have an estranged daughter... I'd like that resolved. Otherwise, I'd "lay my armor" down and welcome the prospect of "forever being with the Lord" --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I sent my mother a card of rememberance on Dad's birthday and their anniversary. It helped me as much as it did her. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? How well What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities my family has a strong religious faith and belief in life after death What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen kept away from funeral and cemetery --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: it was easy... mom needed me, I was there and it helped us both to be needed by each other. That deminished with time and we eventually reestablished our autonomy. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - positive -- helped me take a moment to remember not only dad, but the incredible strength that came to me at a time like that... gives me strength for the future to reflect on the past. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Aug 7 19:09:05 1998 F59 in Gaffney, SC =USA= Name: Bonnie Blaydon Email: <blaydon-dean-at-email.msn.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Administrative Assistant - Hospital - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 24 years ago. Cause of Death: heart attach; Aged: 35. --Details: He died at home and I was the only one there at the time. He fell on the floor and I ran over and gave mouth-to-mouth for about 45 minutes before anyone came. I knew he was dead but wouldn't make myself believe it. He was then taken to the hospital by ambulance where he was pronounced dead. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a new beginning in another realm which I call Heaven. It is a much better place than anywhere else. You will forever be happy and at peace with no worries or pain or fear. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I wasn't very upset as I didn't really know what it truly meant. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...It was my grandfather and I saw him laid out in the front bedroom of my grandmother's house. I don't remember being afraid or anything - he just looked like he was sleeping. I don't remember crying. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: I have experienced the untimely deaths of my mother when she was 38, my brother when he was 22 and my husband when he was 35. I think that these deaths of people so close to me has caused me to be more fearful of totally becoming involved in loving relationships. The fear of loss and abandonment have made me less open to allowing myself to totally love anyone else - except for my children. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: I am thankful for the culture I was born into as it looked at death as part of life. You live - you die. Some of us just live longer than others - Ultimately, however, death wins over. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I don't recall anything that I can describe as a gift other than if someone is suffering, death can ease that suffering. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: I had three young children at the time my husband died; ages 7, 13, and 15. We had a very special bonding between us - it was us against the world, and to this day - they are now 30, 36, and 38 and we are still a very close-knit unit. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Loneliness and waiting for him to come home after work every day. It took me a long time to realize that at 6:00PM, I wouldn't hear him come through the door - ever again. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: I don't know what "being there for the dying person" is like but I do know that when my husband died - the people that came to visit or called or sent a note meant the world to me. . . even if they didn't say much. --[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: was able to continue to live my life and eventually enjoy it once more. I can now look back at my wonderful memories and they don't make me sad. I can look at pictures of us and laugh at the good times we had. I never thought that this would be possible. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: It first happened. I was in shock. However, I did not allow myself to fully grieve as I had to "stay strong" for my children. I put it off for about five years when it finally took hold of me and I let myself cry and really feel the death. After that realization and letting myself FEEL, I was able to get on with my life. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I'm glad I did. My sisters and girlfriend and I went to our subdivision pool the evening after the funeral - I didn't care what the neighbors thought. My husband would have told me to to it. Well, we swam and laughed as we remembered the good times. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Say goodbye and I love you. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Stay strong for my children and feel their love and support. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: My youngest son who was 7, asked if Paster Joe could come to his daddy's funeral and, Pastor Joe was proud and pleased to officiate at the funeral. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: The terrible music they play in the funeral homes. I asked them not to play that morbid organ music. I wanted something a bit more happy - The dead are to be going to a better place and I didn't want doom and gloom. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: Don't quite understand the wording of this question. I'm really not teary eyed anymore. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I've thought about it and don't know what it would be like as I didn't know my husband as a grandfather. I think that he would have been a super one. I'm sorry that he's missed that. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... That I've had to have so many deaths in my family of people who were so young when they died. They all were "good" people - Why is it "the good die young?" as they say. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could It doesn't really - I have dealt with it. He died, I missed him, I still do, but that's life. We just do the best with what we've got. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I felt scared. I couldn't believe I could ever make it without my husband. I put on a front of "being able to handle it" but I was scared! --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: questions. He was sent home from the hospital even though he was having the classic symptoms of a heart attack. However, this was 24 years ago. They still should have kept him in observation. They sent him home and he died two days later. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: N/A --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: We weren't members of any church. We had just moved to the community (600 miles from where we had grown up). The Baptist Church (here in the south) is very active and the members of a couple of them took up a collection for which I was very grateful; however, the preacher came into my home when I had many guests for the funeral and started to pray and pray and pray and pray. It was a bit over done and I wasn't in the mood for a preacher who had a captive audience and was taking advantage of it. However, the Methodist minister who conducted the service was loving and gentle and gave a lot of support to us, especially my 7 year old son. --Religious Affiliation: Presbyterian upbringing - currently Evangelical Presbyterian. I believe that Christ died for our sins and that if one believes this, he will go to heaven. I'd be afraid not to believe this - then what would we have waiting for us. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: If it encompasses the belief in God and the belief that Jesus was his son who died for our sins - that's all it takes. Who knows how God speaks to others - or when. Our conception of time is not God's and from the time one dies, we don't know how long that person has to acknowledge the TRUTH and make his choice of where he wants to spend eternity. --Regarding MONEY: It just seemed to fall in place. Contributions came to us and I was able to collect social security which I wasn't even aware of being able to do prior to my husband's death. I also went to work to supplement the SS payments to my children. We actually were better off financially after my husband died - even though he just had a small insurance policy. --Regarding the FUNERAL: It was very well handled and all in good taste. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: I was able to handle it. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Don't know. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: I should have allowed myself to go through the grieving process and accept however you feel - However YOU feel is how YOU are SUPPOSED to feel. Cry or be mad - whatever --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': don't know --RE: Near Death Experiences: N/A --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: No unresolved issues. --If we were to visit one last conversation... Just let him know that I still love him, miss him, and that I'm doing okay and that he'd be proud of his kids and grandkids. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I seem to dream about my husband when I am going through rough times in my life. It sometimes feels so real that I expect to see him all day long. I don't know if it's just something in my head or if he actually is trying to comfort me. Also, I sometimes feel his presence so strongly that one time, I had to get out of bed as I felt he wanted me to go to my computer and write someting and when I did - I wrote two poems that were connected to events shared with him. I had not thought to write these things and the words were just almost "put on the page" for me --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Dignity --Any thoughts about your own death?: I have sort of had to deal with it - prior to some heart surgery. Told my daughter that I wasn't afraid to die - however, I wasn't quite ready yet! I still had too many things that I wanted to do. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Prayer for comfort - Actually felt the presence of God and saw and felt a warm glow. Found myself totally at peace. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I feel that live each day as it would be your last. I try to anyhow. No one is promised tomorrow. Tell people you love, "I love you." Don't wait till tomorrow. Do it now. Cherish relationships. They could be over or gone tomorrow and all you'll have is memories. Make those memories today. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities Don't think I was really aware of what it meant. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Just be there to listen and let them know that I've been there and it will get better - with time - to go ahead and grieve - cry - whatever. Don't be ashamed of your feelings of fear, abandonment, whatever - they are your feelings - - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Okay - No big trauma. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Aug 6 11:27:14 1998 M30 in Baltimore, Md. =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] via Yahoo - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: librarian - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 11 years ago. Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 62. --Details: It happened rapidly. He was diagnosed in October, and dead by Easter. It was very confusing for me, a highschool senior. Mom was grieved and distracted, one of my brothers had been recently married in Europe, and returned shortly before Dad died. I myself had only started to know Dad in an adult fashion (or close to one). - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of an individual. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was confused and sad, but not frightened --That first time, how it happened was My paternal Grandfather died. He had been ill (a cancer in the throat)while living in his home for some time. We saw him twice a year, and were called by his neighbors. He was in his mid-nineties, and had been ill, so it was not surprising that he had died. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how quickly my father went from hale and well-fed to being a bald, fragile, skinny corpse. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: inevitable --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: an end to my father's pain. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: reflection over time. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the loss of him before I fully knew him. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I wouldn't have minded so much, I I had cried more. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Get to know my father much better, as an adult, than I had a chance to do. And go fishing with him, even though I don't like to fish. Also, I should have taken time between high school and college. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: finish high school --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: My bets friend referred to him as Old Buck. (My father called everyone Buck) --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: I was ashamed of buying an expensive coffin for a corpse. What's the point of having a water-tight seal after death has taken you? --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: other people talk about their (still living)fathers --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I would be considerably happier generally. I probably wouldn't go fishing with him, as I'd like to now, but I would be closer to him. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could forget that he died --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: regret that it happened so long ago, before they had some of the detection and treatmentmethods now available. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: I didn't pay them mch mind. An eighteen year old doesn't like hospitals and such anyway, and is numb when in them that was my experience, at least. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Someone to say prayers at the funeral --Religious Affiliation: Was Roman Catholic. Now linger on agnostic/atheist line. I recognize that there is no way to disprove religious matters, but feel that's probably the smart bet. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: fear and revulsion. --Regarding MONEY: My father, an accountant, provided much more insurance than my mother expercted. She is, even now, comfortable. --Regarding the FUNERAL: I felt hollow --The weirdest part of it all to me was: Years afterward, I still would be siezed with crippling grief. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : weakness, pain, and inability to do for oneself. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: I was too shocked to help much. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I do not know that my father had any such 'experience'. --RE: Near Death Experiences: I do not know anyone who has described this to me. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: Mom, who knew Dad so well. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I'd just like to here more of what he did and thought when he was my age, before he met Mom. I'd like to share my experience with his, so we could compare. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I hae dreamed about Dad, but then I've dreamed about lots of things that no longer exist, or which have never existed. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Take care of those left behind, once the death is over. A dead person's wishes are thinner than air. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I hope I'll be missed, but I'm sorry if I'm grieved. Don't waste money on my corpse. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I contemplated my own death. I also drank until I couldn't contemplate anything. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? No Gods. No afterlife. Live self-reliantly, and help others to become self-reliant. Accept what help comes gratefully, but don't expect it. Realize that life is "hopeless but not serious". - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos My father was very quiet, which was unusual for him. It confused me a bit. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: A suggestion that I take some time off, to breath and feel grief would have helped. I was not discouraged, and if I had chosen to do so, would have been supported, but I was without much will for a time. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It would have been more helpful even as late as a few years ago. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? I will not take time to look for it, but feel there is a not perhaps religious, but definitely supernatural orientation to the questionnaire. extensive use of the word 'bardo' is a little bit of a giveaway. It's a buddhist term, but many people in this country (USA) will use Eastern terms that have been removed from the contexts in which they originally occurred, so I will not say that 'bardo' is without a doubt religious. It puts me off somewhat, being atheist. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Aug 6 10:06:19 1998 F15 in Vermillion, SD =Clay= Email: <aurorac42-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 2 months ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 12. --Details: She had just gotten a marrow transplant and her body rejected it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: When a person no longer experiences things that happen every day and the body no longer functions. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I hardly knew the person and so it didn't affect me very much. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...It was my great-aunt whom I had only met a few times and didn't know very well, and my mother told me one day that she had been killed. I went to her funeral and was fine with it. It was only until years later that they told me that she had been brutally murdered. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: How very shocked we all were, because we had expected that she would recover, but she didn't. --What I think my (Clay) culture needs to better learn about death is: That it is a part of life, that we can't expect people to live forever because they won't. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: That I think I may be able to deal with death better later on in the future. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Talking to my sister about it and meditating. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Getting over the fact that I would never see her again. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Write to her in the hospital or sent her a card to cheer her up. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... She didn't deserve to die, she was just a child. Why couldnt it have been someone who had lived their life already. She hadn't even gotten to live, really. --Religious Affiliation: Wicca --Any thoughts about your own death?: I have never been scared about my own death, only that of other poeple. I am a believer in reincarnation, and I know that when I die, I will go to a place of rest for a while, but then I will live again. So, death, for me is not frightening. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Aug 5 16:24:08 1998 M44 in Waterloo, Iowa =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] just running around the "death" articles......my dad died last November. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: On Death and Dying (I think) Recommended Reading-- Writers: Elizabeth Kuebler Ross (probably not the correct spelling) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, nine months ago. Cause of Death: ALS; Aged: 72. --Details: It took him relatively quickly....average life expectancy from initial diagnosis is supposed to be three to five years. He was gone in just about one. Lots of tears, lots of wondering where he was going to spend his days (hospital, VA hospital, nursing home, psych ward). Was the insurance going to pay for this, for that? No fun....... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: cessation of physical life....... --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was five years old. My brother died at birth. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...in 1959 my brother was born and lived only two days. The casket was so small........that's what I remember, how tiny that casket was. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: How often I told myself the man was indestructable. This was my father.......nothing could take him away. Not like this (ALS) anyway. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: That, when one dies, it is more a celebration of that life and not a completely sad time. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Dad did not suffer as long as he could have. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My wife......she understood my moods..my feelings....I live 700 miles away from my mom and sister......dad died alone in a room 700 miles away....my wife helped me keep things in perspective. Helped me deal with the guilt I felt at not being there to help. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the fact I was so far away........ --The most confusing point of death for me was when: We filed out of the funeral home after the service and I "saw" dad for the last time.....I bent down and kissed his forhead and said goodbye.....very confused, very sad, very relieved he didn't suffer anymore.......I miss him terribly. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Tell him I loved him just one more time --Religious Affiliation: Lutheran --Regarding MONEY: Mom was very worried where the next bill was coming from and how it was going to be paid......very stressful. --Regarding the FUNERAL: how many people who were touched somehow by my dad came to his funeral and introduced themselves to me.......it was something to see...... --The weirdest part of it all to me was: seeing him in that casket --Any thoughts about your own death?: I want no extraoridinary lifesaving measures taken....I DO NOT want to "live" like a veggie......no f---ing way. I want available organs to go for transplant.... I want no funeral......just a service to get some folks together and have a "good" time......the bar tab will be on me...... - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I'm still working through the death of my dad so the questionnaire simply allowed me to put down in print what I've been feeling for the past nine months..... It's a useful tool allowing people an opportunity to "vent" if they wish or to simply put down feelings....getting these feelings "out" is important, I feel, for one to be able to move on with their life..... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Aug 5 10:20:32 1998 F21 in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan =Canada= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Sociology (honours student) - undergrad - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 5yrs ago. Cause of Death: hit by car; Aged: 3. --Details: Other than the dog, there have only been the deaths of people I barely knew who have died - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a new beginning - not to be scared of. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was shocked but comforted to feel that he was at peace --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandfather passed away when i was 8 --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: I cried. I performed (dancing) that same day. It sounds silly but I dedicated the dance to my dog. My dance teacher told me I had never emoted as much as I had that evening --What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is: not bad when it is natural; however, life is to be respected. The murders we see on tv and in video games causes us to be desensitized --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: when there are deaths, people realize how precious life is. We relfect on the true meaning of life --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: nobody really close to me has ever died --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it was to release tension. --Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholicism - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities I was not worried about him becuase I believed he was in heaven What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Aug 5 03:32:10 1998 M41 in Los Angeles, CA =USA= Name: Martin Tays Email: <martin_tays-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - yahoo - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Computer Geek - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: The Engines Of Creation Recommended Reading-- Writers: K. Eric Drexler - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 months ago. Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 47. --Details: He was hiking in the mountains, and died. The police called his wife, she called me. We had to go down and identify the body. And all I could keep thinking of was what a damn waste it was. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: ...a holdover from when our species still evolved. Once it was necessary, but now that we take every effort to keep as many people alive as possible (and a good thing, too) then we've pretty much stopped evolving. But we're still stuck with aging and dying; a useless evolutionary holdover like an appendix or the coxyx...cocyx...tail bone. It's a way to develop an immense amount of experience and knowledge, then throw it all away. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I ...was angry. And every time I've lost someone I loved, I was angry again. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... It was my grandfather. I was six. I only handled it adequately because I didn't understand it. If I had understood it, I would have been pissed off. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: ...the hole in the world around me, and around everyone else he had touched. He was a teacher, and his students were devastated. His wife still can't cope, and I miss him every day. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: ...that's it's not pretty, it's not noble, and it's not a thing we should look forward to. It's a petty end to a wonderful existence, and something we should be investing time, effort and money into postponing as long as possible for as many as possible. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: ...that's a toughie. I guess my Father. He wanted to die. The day before his heart attack, he said that to his Mother. So I suppose I'm grateful that he got his wish. I still miss him. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: ...friends. Loss is something that has to be spread across a group; alone you just can't cut it. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: ...coming to grips with the fact that I'll never be able to call him up, drag him out to the archery range, or just sit up all hours of the night shooting the shit with him. Losing the company of someone I loved. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: ...consider cryonics. A long shot is better than none at all. --[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Actually, really, nothing. All I've learned of death is that I don't like it and wish to avoid it (with regards to my own) for as long as possible. As Woody Allen said: "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying". --The most confusing point of death for me was when: ...actually, I've never been that confused by death. Irritated, yes. Confused, no. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: ...well, actually there were several of those, during the wake. I specifically started telling funny stories about my friend because I knew he would want us to remember him as a person and not a corpse. Pretty soon, everyone was doing the same thing. And I learned a lot about him. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: ...hunt javalina in Arizona with my friend. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: ...spend the day before he died with my friend. Just out at the range, and going out to supper, and talking. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: ...his wife asked for his hat at the hospital, and then spend an hour cleaning it. He had fallen into mud and she said she knew he would be pissed if he saw it in that condition. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: ...the whole funeral process. Embalming, and viewing the body, etc. My Grandmother had an open casket funeral, and when I think of her now, all I can see is the body, lying there in the casket. It's just not fair to her. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: ...I think about the things we never had a chance to do. That we'd get to one of these days. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... ...well, my best friend would still be alive. That's significant enough for me. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... ...well, yeah. That's right. It's just not fair. Nothing else needs to be said. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could ...stop death. Simple enough. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I ...cried. Hell, what did you THINK I did? --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: ...they did the best they could. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: n/a --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: ...my friend was Jewish, so it meant a lot to his family. Because of that, it meant a lot to me. But personally, religion didn't mean a lot one way or another. --Religious Affiliation: Past: Church of Christ (generic protestant) Present: Zen Agnostic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: ...well, it's accurate, but not how you mean. The general glue of the human experience is that, at the end, you cack. That's not a broader view of spirit, just fact. --Regarding MONEY: ...watching his wife try to get their finances in order. Suddenly being stuck with one income to pay for a two income mortgage. --Regarding the FUNERAL: ...how everyone seemed shell shocked. I've been to funerals where no one particularly missed the deceased, but everyone missed my friend, and it just reinforced to me what a horrible waste it was. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: ...how silly it seemed to be putting a biodegradable object into an airtight vault. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Rigor Mortis? --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: ...remembering them alive is the best way to honor them. Tell stories about them. Make 'em up if you have to. But make others know what this person was. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': ...none that I know of. --RE: Near Death Experiences: ...I've met many people who are certain that NDE's occur, but I've never met anyone who actually experienced one. I'm witholding my judgement until I get more facts. I don't believe, or disbelieve. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: ...no unresolved issues, just things we planned to do but never did. A mutual friend and I are making a list, and are going to try to do them to remember him. And because they'll be fun, of course. --If we were to visit one last conversation... ...oh, if he communicated with me now, I expect his first words would be "Get a life". I'd like to be able to tell him that I did. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: ...again, nope. I'd like to see my friend again, of course, but wishing don't make it so. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Anyone has the right to die. If it's someone I care for, I would like the chance to talk them out of it, assuming it's a situation where death can be avoided, but I have no right to interfere. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I wish to avoid it if possible. As I stated before, I'm a registered cryonicist; I'm going to be frozen in the probably fruitless hope that I can be awakened in the future. But, for me, that's hope. And small hope is better than none. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: ...going into the back yard and putting arrows into the target until I can't unbend my fingers. It's kind of like I have to do his shooting for him. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? Some obvious ones. I call my friends wife several times a week to make sure she's okay, and my girlfriend and I go by almost every weekend to take her out to a movie or just to get something to eat. I'm helping a friend put together a memorial web page for him. And I think of him. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Other: Cryonics. Well meaning friends of mine are going to cut off my head and slam dunk it into a vat of liquid nitrogen. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage It just irritated me. I hate planned obscolescence. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: ...just by being there, and making sure they knew that they weren't alone. And that's what helped me, also. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Some interesting introspection. I know my answers were probably not standard for your questions, so I appreciate your giving me the chance to state my (sometimes pushy) opinion . - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? You might want to ask people if they would live a normal lifespan and then die, given an option otherwise. You might be surprised by the answers you get. We accept death because we have no choice. But deep down inside, none of us really believe it to be a good thing. To use the venacular, death sucks. And anyone who says they believe otherwise is in my opinion lying to themselves and others. [ Ed Note: interesting concept... we're working on it. ] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Aug 4 18:10:55 1998 M38 in Chicago, IL =US= Name: Tom - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Yahoo - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Non Profit Executive - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: On Death and Dying, How We Die Recommended Reading-- Writers: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Sheldon Nuland - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3-4yrs ago. Cause of Death: AIDS; Aged: 40. --Details: After a long, slow, debilitating illness. With a lot of anger on his part. Suddenly. He had been in remission with a lot of his symptoms and then one night he got sick, went to the hospital and died. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The end of our conscious existence. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Felt sad, cried. Felt remorse for not treating them better while they were alive. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I was on a school trip to Washington DC and received word that I had to fly home by myself to attend the funeral of my grandmother who used to live with us before she went to the nursing home --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Feeling useless with all the activity going on around me. I remember his parents whom he fought with for twenty years coming into town and making a stink with his lover over who owned what property. --What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is: There's nothing romantic about it. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Michael's suffering and the suffering he caused others by being hateful in his last months ended. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: A private little memorial service four of us held at a friend's apartment. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Feeling helpless. --[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: There's really nothing I want others to know about. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: Just after it happened. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: My twisted sense of humor kept me balanced through it. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Say a final goodbye. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I'm confronted with dealing with another death or am at some type of public memorial for AIDS --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I Cried a lot. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: the inadequacy of the medical community to be really helpful in this situation --Regarding HOSPICE etc: Michael stayed at home. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: For Michael, very little. He hated the church. I attend a Unitarian church. This religion has been very helpful to me in coming to some understanding about death. --Religious Affiliation: Unitarian Universalist (10 years) Raised Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: Nebulous, undefined. I really don't connect to it emotionally. --Regarding MONEY: Michael and I didn't have any money issues. Property ownership became a big deal between his surviving partner and his parents. --Regarding the FUNERAL: Michael insisted that there be no religious service for him. There was a party. The thing that stands out is that there were two groups of people who didn't mix very well - Michael's friends and his partner's friends. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Extreme weight loss. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: Time healed. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I have none. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: The one unresolved issue for me was how I stood back and didn't challenge him as he alienated a lot of the people closest too him. I feel I am resolving that by speaking my mind more often with people who are living. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: One of Michael's good friends reported that a large crow came and sat on her porch and cawed at her at about the time of Michael's death. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I should get a power of attorney completed. --Any thoughts about your own death?: As a person living with AIDS....life becomes an imperative, not length of life, but quality of life. If I have two years to live, am I really doing what I want with those two years? --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Four of us gathered privately, lit a candle, each said a few words out loud and then gathered around the piano and sang one of Michael's favorite songs. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Aug 3 02:40:05 1998 F28 in , =u.s.a.= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 10 yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 17. --Details: His cancer was in remission, but in order to do that they knocked his immune system out with drugs so that the chemo could do it's work. He caught a chill from a breeze,within three days he was gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: Final seperation of body and soul. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my cat was run over when I was four. When I was six my Grandmother died of cancer. At seven my Grandfather died, he also had cancer.At seventeen my boyfriend of several years died; cancer. I am now 28 and I know someone that has died for every year I've been alive. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The fact it took almost ten years for me to feel comfortable in any other color but black. I tried every so often. Maybe add a little red but it just made me feel sad. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: If I would have known before that he would pass away, I still would have loved him. Being with him still are the fondest memories that I have. He helped me through so much in those few years. I wouldn't trade a moment. I just wish i could have said goodbye. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: I had kept every note, letter, card that he had ever sent to me. When he died, his mother gave me a box that he had kept all of my letter and notes to him. I was able to put them in chronological order. I could relive all our years together by reading through them. It helped to feel that I still had a part of him left with me. A small part I could revisit every time I needed him. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Being alive. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I wish it hadn't been where others could hear me. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Be there with him. In the room. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: I wasn't able to do anything. I couldn't stop crying. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I hear "Love comes walking in" by Van Halen. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... Well, I wouldn't have scars on my wrists. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... HE WAS ONLY SEVENTEEN!!!! --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Just talk to him for a little while. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I literally started screaming. I couldn't stop. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: The medical community can k*** my a**! --Regarding HOSPICE etc: We weren't lucky enough to deal with a hospice. He wasn't alive very long after diagnosis. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: I stopped going to church. --Religious Affiliation: Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: Correct. --Regarding MONEY: I have no right to be angry about this and to rational thought there is no basis either, but when he died his parents received a LARGE insurance settlement and immediately bought a new Sport Utility Vehicle. It felt like the vehicle was not a fair trade for their son. --Regarding the FUNERAL: They had to open the dividers between the Assembly hall and the Church so that everyone could fit in the building. There was well over four hundred people in attendance. I also couldn't beleive what a beautiful day it was. It should have been windy and rainy and cold. Instead it was like God decided to give us a perfect day to say he was sorry that he had to take him away from us. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: It hasn't quite ended yet. I have gone on. But in my heart I still mourn. --If we were to visit one last conversation... Just to hear them tell us they are all right, and that they understand that we had to keep living would lift the guilt. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: First know that I didn't think he was to die. In my youthful arrogance, I still had that "immortal" view of life. You don't die unless you are old or in a car accident. The morning he died I recieved a phone call from him. He told me that I had to come to the hospital right away, he was waiting for me there and I needed to hurry. I told him that I couldn't come till later in the day but not to worry I wouldn't miss visiting hours. He quietly said he understood and that he wanted me to know how much he loved me. I told him I loved him and I would see him later. He just said goodbye. That was at 7:32 in the morning. At school later that day someone walked up to me in the hall and asked how I was dealing with his death. I didn't find out till a feww days later that time of death on his certificate states 7:32 a.m. They also told me that the night before he died all the blood vessels in his nose and throat burst. They had to burn them closed. There was no possible way he could have called me that morning.He couldn't talk. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I wholeheartedly believe in the right to death with dignity. A will is an absolute must! The pain of someone's passing is hard enough, the stress of figuring out what you're supposed to do now (belongings, funeral, finances) is cruel and unusual punishment to a grieving heart. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I want to live to be very old, even if it's just so that my death doesn't cause someone I love that much pain and anguish. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying I also had to work thru a lot of anger, feelings of abadonment What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt Guilt of still being here. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I would have liked it if everyone talked to me like a normal person instead of avoiding me. Small talk can be a great reassurance that life will go on. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - A reminder of just how much emotion there is lying just beneath my surface. It never ends. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Aug 3 02:01:48 1998 F14 in houston, texas =us= Name: cyndi Email: <cyndi3-at-ix.netcom.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] i looked up pschcology tests,or however you spell it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: ummm....i once wrote a poem about dying and passed it 'round school but i left my initials and all the principals and teachers knew right off that it was me,(i guess cuz they suck) and the counselors talked to me like i was retarded and told my parents i needed a shrink..then a few months later i slit my wrists and some people saw the scars i guess and reported me to the counselors again,so now the school and my parents think i'm insane cuz thats like the 100th time my school told my parents i was weird...post this,i dont care. Recommended Reading-- Writers: Edgar Allen Poe - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: waking up from a very elaborate nightmare.life is but a dream (row,row,row your boat... :) ) haha!it's like, those snow thingys thats you shake...thats life...what happens when the little people inside the shaky thingys break out of the world they always knew is death...but only death to an extent,because its the end the world as they knew it but the beginning of a world they did not...i dunno... i'm 14,what do i know?!?! --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I ignored it...i was lied to and said he was sleeping,although i knew damn well he was dead,what was i supposed to say? "no he isn't,he croaked!"afterwards,i went around school and told my teachers (i was like,6 or 7)cuz it was in rhe papers and stuff and i wanted to feel important i guess. --That first time, how it happened was ummm...i was like,7 and my dad's cousin died while patroling a park or something.these drug dealer guys shot him several times in the back.i didn't know him well, i just remember him at my birthday party when i turned six... --Religious Affiliation: catholic --Any thoughts about your own death?: if i knew i was gonna die soon,i wouldn't tell anyone...i would want to be remembered as i was,not with anyones pity or sadness,they'd treat me differently...i'd be the way i would want to be remembered, which is every way possible...weird,obnoxious,eccentric...it doesn't matter what they thought of me,as long as they remembered me.."shit,she was really annoying!" "the girl that would mosh in the halls?!" "that slut?!?!" i don't care!!! as long as i'm remembered in one way or another,i'd be 100% okay with dying... - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Zoning Out - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - uhhh...the experience gave me something to do for awhile...thats about it...sorry... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ See Current contributions. See Jun 98 contributions. See Jul 98 contributions. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
