^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ See Current contributions. See May 98 contributions. See Apr 98 contributions. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 1 03:58:10 1998 Anonymous F - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 4 yrs ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 23. --Details: He shot himself in the head while sitting alone on a park bench. The police thought it was a homicide at first because he was left handed. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a natural part of our life . It is when a person ceases to function in all ways and is nature's way of making room for new life. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was too young to really understand what it was all about. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandmother's neighbor passed away due to old age. I was only 3 or 4 years old so didn't really understand what the funeral was about. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the disbelief. No one could understand why he would have done something like that. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: how to deal with it. My culture tends to look upon death as something to hide or protect ourselves from. We need to learn how to talk about death so it won't be as much of a mystery to children or frighten them. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: being reminded that life goes on by having to continue my daily routine. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: dealing with the hurt and anger that was caused by my cousin's suicide. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: I haven't been there for the death of a loved one yet but I know that my grandmother is noy well and is preparing for her death in the near future. What she finds most comforting is that I am willing to discuss funeral arrangements and the disposition of her possesions with her. It is important to the dying to know that things will be handled according to their wishes. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: there isn't much of a grieving process. I tend not to cry at funerals unless something said or done during the service really touches me. I also don't dwell on the loss as much as others since I accept death as natural and to be expected at some point. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: No one can help me resolve the issues concerning my cousin. I feel that maybe if I had been able to really talk to him that I might have been able to prevent his death as I was one of the very few in the family who could see through his every thing is great facade and get him to talk about his problems. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I don't want to be kept alive in a hospital when there is no hope of recovery. I would like to be left a little dignity. I hope that if my husband and I were to die soon, my brother will be willing to raise and care for my son. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 30 20:39:55 1998 F18 in Swanton, VT =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] psychology link - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: College student?psychology major - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 7 yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 36. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a way of life. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I went into shock. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my aunt died from breast cancer and a brain tumor. Her and I were very close. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the wake. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: no part --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it was my way accepting it when I was unable to cry.I see any type of death around me --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: tell her thank you. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: know her --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I see any type of death around me. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I'm honestly not sure. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that someone so young can be taken from us so abruptly. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could speak to her. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cryed --Regarding HOSPICE etc: I had none --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: prayer groups --Religious Affiliation: protestant --Regarding the FUNERAL: the beauty --The weirdest part of it all to me was: I swear I saw her open her eyes and I was hoping she would sit up and say, "just kidding, I was only fooling, now lets all go home and feast" - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities The comfort of my mother. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 30 19:13:53 1998 F21 in Colorado Springs, Colorado =USA= Name: Brooke Email: <GOLDCAS-at-YAHOO.COM> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Manager - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 3 months ago. Cause of Death: cervical cancer; Aged: 41. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when our spirit exits our physical body. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I thought they were pretending. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandmother died of natural causes. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the viewing of the body. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: how peaceful the person looks when they have died. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: looking through photos and old memoriablia. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the tremeandous feeling of loss. A feeling that my heart weighed a ton. --[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: got through it. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more time with her right before she died. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: tell her I loved her. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I recall an old good memory. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could just say hello. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I felt a deep uncontrolable pain. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: good, they never seemed to pass judgment. They helped ease the pain for her without making it an issue. --Religious Affiliation: Catholic --Regarding the FUNERAL: rushing, no time to mourn. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Unconsiousness (she was fully alert at 8pm and died 24 hours later) Fever --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: continue to treat the person with respect and kindness. Don't go overboard. Let them know you are there for them not for anyone else --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': She began mumbling and moving towards something. We thought she was waking up. A few minutes later she stopped breathing. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I wish I had been there with her towards the end. I feel like she may have felt alone. That feeling will never leave me. I had planned on taking time off of work but kept putting it off. After she died I felt a deep regret. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would like to know that she knew I cared and loved her. That would put me at ease. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: how you want your body to be taken care of. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I have a special song I listen to which allows me to cry and mourn, but I always feel a little better afterwards. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I would like to offer a guide to others dealing with a terminal illness. I wish I had said what I had to say when I had the chance. I also wish now that I had a video or a personal letter from her. This would make me feel closer to her. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 30 15:16:17 1998 F26 in Eugene, Oregon =usa= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 16 yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 33. --Details: It was my best friend's mother who was also my mother's best friend.My mom (who is a nurse) took care of her when she was dying. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The end of life in the humam body.The person's body stops working and they get burned or buried. Some people believe that the person has a soul that leaves the body and goes on to a better place or starts over again in a new body. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was interested in looking at the body. I remember thinking that he is in heaven now. I was only 6. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was..my foster brother's grandfather died and we went to the funeral and I looked at him in the coffin even though I thought I would get into trouble for looking (because my parents are opposed to open-casket funerals). --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: feeling shocked at the murder of my grandmother in law. I remember just existing in an altered state for several days. I was terrified and worried about life after death. --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: it can happen to anyone anytime. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the way it brings a family together. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: sharing faith. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: my doubts about the existence of life after death. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: after death. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: that never happened to me. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more time with them. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: know them. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I think about death in general. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... happier. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that people have to die. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could know for sure if they are in heaven --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was devastated. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: no view. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: a lot. But I still have doubts --Religious Affiliation: Lutheran --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: helps reassure me. If so many people believe it it must be true. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : a readiness to die. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I am not aware. --RE: Near Death Experiences: My uncle left his body during an operation and was watching it all from on top of the room. He remembered having a choice and he choose to go back to his body. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy I was not very close to him, so that helped too. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jun 29 20:45:59 1998 F13 in near Philadelphia, PA =USA= Name: Gloria Email: <weeniep-at-hotmail.com> Web: http://members.tripod.com/~Logira/thebest.html - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Yahoo. I typed in Questionnaires, because I love them - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 7 months ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 78. --Details: He was depressed...talked about doing it for a while, I never thought he actually would.. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of one's life, and passing into another place. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I couldn't believe it, didn't know what to feel. --That first time, how it happened was It was my grandfather, he killed himself. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: what I was thinking, picturing him dying. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: myself. i convinced myself it wasn't my fault, wrote about it, thought about it, started to get over it. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the way my mom acted--it was her father, she didn't cry, yet seemed sad, and I didn't know what to say or do. --[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: n/a, I don't understand the question --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: he was funny! My grandfather was a humourous man. I just laughed about the way he was, fussy and stubborn. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more time with him, call him more, assure him he was great. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I heard a song, I forget the name. It made me think of him, and I had to fight to hold in tears. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I see pictures of him, or read things. I was reading a beautiful thing my mom wrote about him and just felt so bad that she lost her father, and i just missed him. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I don't think it would be much different. Just like a normal everyday life, minus some sadness. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that he decided to die and left us. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could block the whole thing from my memory. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I just cried for a really long time, and thought hard and didn't want to believe it but knew it was true. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing. Religion really didn't help me, at least, at all. I had to survive by myself. I was rather mad at God for letting him do this. --Religious Affiliation: ummmm....kind of my own religion, I believe in Jesus and all, but not in Hell or Satan, and I believe God is a 5 foot 4 woman with jet black hair and smokes Virginia Slims. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: true. --Regarding MONEY: my grandfather's death supplied my mom with some money for a while, and I felt guilty for feeling glad that she had money. --Regarding the FUNERAL: the sadness and how people were trying to hide it by smiling and joking and stuff. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I don't think I know of any he had. --RE: Near Death Experiences: No, never had anything like that. I've contacted my grandfather with a Ouija board and candle a few times and he said he was ok and to not be afraid and stuff but that's it. No near death experiences. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: As far as I know, we didn't have any unresolved issues and loved each other at the time of his death. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I think about death a lot. I am horribly scared of it. Last summer (before he died), I was tormented every night by the thought that I would be murdered. I really am not sure why, but it made my life hell. I had to make sure every lock was locked, twice, keep a phone near my bed, and HATED to be away from home, worrying that my mom or sister might get killed. This was every night, and many nights I just couldn't sleep. I would lay there, listening to the radio, but even the slightest sound, I had to get up and see, just to be sure, because if indeed someone was getting hurt, I could maybe save her in time. It was just horrible. i would always feel I was going to die soon. I made a will. I made sure to tell my parents I loved them before I hung up on any phone call. It was terribly frightening and just a horrible experience. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Ok this sounds really messed-up, but I would watch reruns of "The Golden Girls" on Lifetime every day from 5 -6 and it just made me feel a bit better about his death, I have no clue why. It just shifted my focus and made me think happier things, and during it if I did happen to think of him, it wouldn't seem as bad. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? No, not really. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System I wrote about it in a journal..talked to a friend whose friend had killed themself.. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I wish my friends had helped more. None really knew how it felt so they didn't offer much sympathy. I didn't meet the one who had it happen to her until at least 3 months after his death. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It was interesting, I felt glad someone wanted to know these things. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jun 28 21:12:45 1998 F45 in Sacramento, Calif =USA= Name: Mallow Email: <Mallow912-at-AOL.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Social Worker/college instruc. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 25yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 50. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the cessation of biological functions of the body - breathing, talking, seeing, hearing, eating. The physical body stops functioning and there is no longer any means of obvious contact between us and the dead person --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was confused by the different reactions of the people (adults, as I was a child) around me. Didn't understand the crying and then the laughter. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... my sister and twin brothers died in a car accident. I was three. I don't remember it specifically, just remember the adults around me reacting to it. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: For me it was, is, an empty place inside that is impossible to fill. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the lesson of how quickly lives can change --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: having at least one gentle, kind, understanding person who would listen and let me talk/cry, whatever I needed at the time. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: all the unsaid words, and the unshared experiences in the future --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: don't be afraid to touch them, hold their hand, stroke their head, and keep talking to them. Let them know it's ok to go and that you'll be ok, too. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: talk to my mom about her dying. We never mentioned the word cancer, nor spoke of her being terminally ill. Makes it hard to say goodbye. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: do the hands-on things: feed her from a syringe, rub lotion on her back and legs, and talk to her, tell her I loved her. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: at some odd, particular moment, I see a woman my age with her mother, laughing, sharing a moment. And especially when I see my children that she never knew. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: anger at them and at myself for knowing so little and asking so little of them. --Religious Affiliation: Catholic --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : seeing/hearing someone from the past who has died; agitation; increase of energy; separating from family, surroundings; decrease in food/water intake. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': none with my mom, but I've seen it lots of times with other people. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: having a Durable power of Attorney for Health Care --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I wrote her a letter, which I then burned and sent the ashes flying upward in the wind. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Other: a combination of experiences, reading, talking with people close to me... What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other: probably protecting people around me "being strong" --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I became a hospice social worker and now I teach a course in death & dying for social work grad students. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jun 28 19:49:32 1998 F23 in new orleans, louisiana =usa= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: student-pre-med/biology....I want to be a forensic pathologist - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 yrs ago. Cause of Death: doctor claimed she had TB when she did not, and treated her for it. She was alergic to the medicein and went into a coma. She came out of the coma then sunddenly died.; Aged: 74. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: like an endless sleep with no dreams --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I it had no effect on me. Death doesn't bother me in the least bit. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...i was to young to remember who it was, but every sence I can remember my mom has taken me to funeral and wakes. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: How sudden it was. most people in my family reach the 90's when they die. I thought my grandmother was too young to die at 74, especially when it wasn't a natural death. the thing that bothered me the most is it wasn't her time. I thought for sure she would live to see me get married and have children. I think her death is the only death that has ever bothered me or had an effect on me. Eventhough I didn't cry at the funeral. I sometimes cry at night because I miss her. --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: there is no after life or soul. The person is dead, that is it, there is no more! And everyone should donate their organs. It should be a law...not an opption. the corpse is not going to need them, and when a body is embalmed the organs are destryed. The embalmer has to use an insterment to inject the organs with embalming fluid to keep them from rotting, and to do this he/she pokes several holes in all the organs. Those perfictly good organs that could have saved another persons live have gone down the drain. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: just not having them around anymore. Just the fact of know they will never be there to talk to, hug, kiss, to cry to. And they left some pets behind. I was sad for the animals...afraid they might think they were abanded, or that no one else in the family would or could take care of them --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: i would laugh! It is not strange. I have done it at funerals before. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say "I Love you" just one more time --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: let her know I cared by being at the hospital alot --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: i touched the body,or more importantly when I study funeral service education. I got to embalm over 20 bodies, and it made me realize these were just bodies nothing more. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... it wouldn't change anything. Sad to say life goes one with or with that person. I might be a different person had I not known them at all but losing them or gaining them back won't affect anything in my life. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing!!! I'm an atheis --Religious Affiliation: atheis --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I don't believe in spirits. I think what others call spirit is just the energy and electrcity that runs through everyones body. like when your heart stops they use electric paddels to restart it. The body runs on electrcity! --Any thoughts about your own death?: i am afraid to die, but only because I'm scared it might hurt. I have a low tolorence for pain! - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System death never bothered me. I use to play, laugh, and have a good time at funerals. I don't get sad when people die. But it is hard when an animal dies....that I can't handle. What Hindered me most deal with death? nothing hindered my dealing with death ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 27 23:09:26 1998 F16 in Hesston, Kansas =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 yr. ago. Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 89. --Details: It really disturbed me, because I didn't get to say goodbye. She was fine the last time I saw her. When I looked at her, it was really scary. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I didn't really know what was going on. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my great-grandma died when I was five. I really didn't know what was going on. I asked if she was going to get to shower when she got to heaven, because I thought she was going to be dirty from being in the ground. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: saying goodbye to her when she was in her coffin --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: it should be a joyous look back at the person's life, not just grieving about the loss you are feeling. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the memories I take from those who have passed on. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: someone to hold me. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: actually realizing that they would never be there for me again. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say goodbye to my grandmother --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: impact those people's lives --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: the fact that the last thing the person senses is sound. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I see pictures of people who are gone. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... I didn't get to say goodbye. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could get that person back. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: gratitude --Religious Affiliation: Mennonite --Any thoughts about your own death?: I don't want to know when I am going to die. I do try to live life so that I can be content if I died tomorrow. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Volunteer time to others. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 27 12:34:26 1998 F26 in Fall River, MA =U.S.= Name: Wendy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Yahoo - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: artist/student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 7yrs ago. Cause of Death: long cronic illness; Aged: 48. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: pianful to those left behind, but a passage to, (hopefully), something better for those who die. --That first time, how it happened was She was my land-ladies sister, and my best-friend. She had cancer and her heath went repidly down hill. I was about 7 yrs. old when she died. I had lots of family problems growing up, and she was the first person to treat me with respect as a human, and as a friend. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: wishing I had more time with her. --What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is: life doesn't end. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: having had time with those who've passed. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: being allowed to hurt. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: it was, is, all hard. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: just be there. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say good-bye --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: viewing the body. I just never understood why people want to look at a shell. Why isn't it good enough to remember how they were in life? I agree that the service is important in giving people a chance to believe their loved one is gone, remember, and say good-bye, but why put the image of a lifeless body in your mind? --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: any reason. a song, a thought, a scent... --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... why them, and not me. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could hug them --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I hurt, cried, and asked God why, (but then just asked God to ease the pain). --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: greatful they could ease the pain. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: there are many wonderful, caring people. they did their best to provide comfort. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: not religion, but prayer. my own connection with God is what helped me. --Religious Affiliation: current/none --Regarding MONEY: the more you have, the better care your loved one will recieve. (it's sick) - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 26 22:52:31 1998 M31 in Longmont, Colorado =USA= Name: Anthony - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] looking for resources through Metracralwer search engine - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Therapist/Caseworker - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, presently ago. Cause of Death: liver cancer; Aged: 52. --Details: My wife and I came to know of my mother-in-law's illness through a phone call from my sister in law. Prior to the call my mother in law and I had nit seen each other in more than three years due to an ongoing dispute between my wife and her - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: Death is a time that asks all sense of human time to slow down and asks us humans to reorient to what is of value as it relates tot he dying person and our selves. Death is the passage from this time and plane of existence to another less known plane of existence. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I The first time I ever expereinced anyone's death was when I was in gradeschool. It was someone that I was not emotionally close to and the expereince was absent deep emotional content for me --That first time, how it happened was My grandfather died of cancer. The cancer was discovered when he went in for a gall bladder surgery. I felt as if I barely knew my grnadfather and my involvement in his death was very peripheral --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: As I am still in the process of my mother in law's death, it has asked a great deal of sacrifice from me and my wife and a bulk of my time in attending. I am also struck with how this has brought to light the ugliness of some of the family dynamics. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: That regardless of who it is that is dying, each of us has the right to die with dignity adn for this loss of a human life to be fully felt and mourned. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: The opportunity to spend time with my kother in law before she died... to asist her in the process... to talk with her about the family history...to sit with her as she invited death more fully into her body and life... to share in this expereince with my wife --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: The connection to my wife... the opportunities to get away from the house during those last few weeks and take care of myself by taking Yoga classes, walks or reading books. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Is remembering that it was them that was dying and needed the attention I had to give... I found myslef reverting to focusing on my needs and desires. The actual expereince of staying focused and clear as many times I find myself groggy and acting as if I don't know what is happening or what she needs. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Understand that the process of death is spectacular aw well as mundane. Simply sitting in silence with someone dying is of great assistance to them as they embrace the scary prospect of leaving this life. --[My relative's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: was willing to put aside many worldly things to be with my mother in law --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I first found out that Barbara had terminal cancer and was given two months to live... then at every point from then on when her functioning reduced. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: some funny shit... to look at the insane sanity of what was happening about how this death was in many ways so expansive and so minute. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: talk to Barbara about her relationship with her daughter and the decsisions that she had made regarding what she would take with her. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: spend time with Barbara...just sitting and watching movies and talking about words and family and how she was feeling. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: My wife and I talked --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I appreciated all the moments that we shared and ll the love. wonder and support she generated - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities It seemed as if I could not relate to the sadness that surrounded this death ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 26 18:49:16 1998 F17 in foster city, CA =USA= Email: <nermal78-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 8 yrs ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 35. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when we are no longer living/seen on this earth. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was too young to understand how serious the surrounding situation was. i didn't know about suicide and what it meant. and i wasn't as close to people... you know less when you're younger. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...friend of the family committed sucide --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how people close to him would think about the past, and how he was, and how happy he SEEMED. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it isn't punishment. and we shouldn't be afraid of it. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: how we can learn from it. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: time. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: seeing how it hurt othr people so much. and knowing that person was not around anymore. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: remember those who love you and who you love. they are the most important people. (and since it was suicide) they should understand your pain. --[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: see that death isn't bad. and suicide isn't as bad as people think it is. i don't think the person goes to "hell." but suicide isn't an answer, there are other ways. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: i had to grasp that the person was not there. they didn't just move away. they are gone as we know it. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it is a cover up to hide the pain. people want to fool themselves into thinking it doesn't hurt and that lauging will take the pain away. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: get to know the person better. ask him if he really thought suicide was the answer. because i think about suicide too, but i don't think i could ever go through with it like he did. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... WHAT IFs get me no where, but i do them all the time. and then i get mad at myself. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that he had to leave now. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could bring him back. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I knew that it happens for a reason. --Religious Affiliation: i used to go to church.. now i belive myself to be agnostic. yes, there is a hight power, but i don't think "he" is "God." --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: true. i belive in spirits, ghosts, reincernation, and traveling souls. i think we are all connected. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: i want to die. eventhough i still know the pain that his death caused loved ones. but i know it's not my time, and suicide messes with that. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': this has never happened to me. but i do feel the prescence of other spirits. --If we were to visit one last conversation... to know if he felt right about suicide. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: love... don't let love fade away. --Any thoughts about your own death?: i have a strong desire to die right now. but it's not time for me. i have too much ahead of me for death. if i found out i was going to die soon, i'd "live it up." go skydiving, have sex, tell people i'm sorry and i love them, take vacations, all the things i haven't done but would like to do. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Other: knowing when it's one's time, it's one's time What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: i need and other might need: someone to hold. or someone to just listen. or talk to them. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? "would you have done something different with your loved one, friend, etc. if you knew exactly when they were going to die?" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 26 13:18:42 1998 F27 in Memphis, TN =United States= Name: Denise - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Admin. Assistant - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 1 yrs ago. Cause of Death: wreck involving a drunk driver; Aged: 24. --Details: Stefanie's 6 month old daughter Zadie was also killed. At the time of Stefanie's death she was 3 months pregnant. Stef and Zadie had just left my Grandma's house and were on the way out to my parent's for a rehearsal dinner. My youngest sister, Carmen (who was also 3 mos. pregnant) was getting married the next day. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: An end to life on earth as we know it, but the beginning of a new life the likes of which your earthly mind cannot imagine or understand. --That first time, how it happened was My Great-Grandfather died on my 5th birthday. He drove down with my Grandmother for lunch. On his way home from his house he became disoriented and drove into a telephone pole. His injuries were not severe enough to cause death, but I am told he was ready to die. My Great-Grandmother had died suddenly of a heart attack 5 years earlier. My Grandfather (their only son) had died at a young age of a brain tumor. We all believe that my Great-Grandfather was just ready to die. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: We felt like we were sinking in quicksand, or sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Even a year later we still experience that 'sinking' feeling. Since the death was unexpected, we also dealt with many feelings of, "it just can't be true!" --What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is: Death is not final. The people who die live on in our hearts and thoughts and memories. For that reason, parts of those people will be passed on to our children and our children's children. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: All the love and support I felt from my family, friends, and co-workers. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Being able to talk to Greg (Stefanie's husband), my parents, and my sister. My three year-old daughter has also been an amazing source of support. Through answering her questions about her Aunt and cousins, I have been able to answer some of my own questions. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: I feel so lonley. Stefanie and I were more than sisters, she was my very best friend. I missing having someone I could talk to about everything in my life that had happened, was happening, and what I hoped to happen. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Zadie was declared brain dead at the hospital the day after the wreck. Greg chose to donate her organs, so they had to sustain her on life support until she went to surgery. I had been in the delivery room when Zadie was born, and it was very special that I got to say good-bye to her that afternoon at the hospital. --[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Learned to pray and depend on the strength of God. The "Footprints" poem means much more to me today than it did a year ago. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: Just wondering "why??" From reading and talking to others this is a very common question with death involving someone so young. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: I don't regret anything. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Be able to say that Stefanie was my sister and that we were so close. She was so kind, a true friend to everyone who came in contact with her. Always looking out for the "little guy." She baked cakes for everyone's birthday's, bought presents for every person in the office who was expecting a baby, bought my daughter a bookshelf full of books, helped arrange every party that came down the pike (both work and family related). I just can't say enough about what a great person she was. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I realized that life is too short to not enjoy each day you get. I try to make the most of every day, because (I know it sounds like an old cliche) you never know if it will be your last. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: Anger. I have yet to feel angry at anyone for what happened. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I think about not getting to see Stefanie grow old, and not getting to watch Zadie or Thomas grow up. A part of the future is gone. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... Now that hurts. I want so bad to just be able to sit a talk to Stefanie face to face. I have told my daughter that sometimes when we dream about Stefanie and Zadie it may be more than just a dream and we may be really talking to them and playing with them. That alot of times reality is disguised as a dream, because our minds just cannot handle the reality. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... That they should die at such a young age. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Scream. I want to stand in the middle of a field and just scream until I can't scream anymore. Other times I wish I could rewind time and have Stefanie be driving down a different road, totally avoiding the intersection where the wreck happened. Then she and her children would have been here. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I Got depressed. I had/am having to learn to live again. I had/have to build a life around the person I had become during the death process, and learn to live without very important people in my life. I also realized that by the time I die, I will have been without Stefanie longer than I was with her. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: Gratitude. The Doctors at the children's hospital did everything they could for Zadie. When we got to the hospital that night, we knew she wasn't going to make it. The docs pretty much let us know that we needed to "say our good-bye's." Everyone in the Intensive Care Unit was very helpful and compassionate. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: My family was put on prayer lists throughout the country. Stefanie and Greg were Catholic, many masses have been said in memory of Stefanie, Zadie, and Thomas. --Religious Affiliation: Methodist --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I can best describe it by the feeling I got sitting at the graveside service. I was sitting there and felt like my heart was going to burst, there was so much love and prayer surrounding me at that moment. --Regarding the FUNERAL: Everyone that was there to show their love and support. At the wake, there was a line out into the parking lot at Stefanie and Greg's church. At the funeral service (again at the church) it was standing room only. The funeral procession stretched for miles. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: Being able to feel the 'presence' of the people I have lost. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: Everyone heals at a different rate and in different ways. For me, at times I need to talk, other times I just need to lock myself in a room and be alone with my thoughts. I know that the pain of these deaths will affect me the rest of my life. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': Greg mentioned several times at Zadie's bedside at the hospital that he felt he was in a tug-of-war with Stefanie over Zadie. --RE: Near Death Experiences: My Grandpa had to be hospitalized because an ulcer had "eaten through" his stomach and into the large vessel beind the stomach. He had to be revived several times. After one such experience he told my mother and others in the room that someone came to him and said it,"was time for him to join the game." Grandpa replied that he "wasn't ready to play yet." My Grandpa eventually recovered and lived for several more years, until he succombed to cancer. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I have no unresolved issues. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I know that she's o.k. I just would tell her I love her and the kids and I miss them terribly. I would (if time permitted)want to talk to her about things going on in my life, just to have her listen without prejudice the way she used to. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Respect the dying person's wishes. My uncle died of AIDS two years ago. He asked to be cremated and that his ashes be scattered in Florida (where he had lived for almost 30 yrs.). My Aunt was the executor of his estate. She and my Grandma decided to bring his ashes "home" and bury them in a plot next to my Grandpa. This angered several in the family. --Any thoughts about your own death?: If I knew I was going to die soon I would make sure my daugher would be taken care of, and let my family know how much I love them and how much they mean to me. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I honestly believe that Carmen's wedding was the first big step toward closure for me. It came the day after Stefanie was killed, and just hours after Zadie was declared brain dead. It was the first big life event that we went through as a family without Stefanie there. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I thank God just about every day for what he has given me. I talk about Stefanie and Zadie alot with my daughter, in the hope that she will remember them. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Other: I was so young and saw my Great-Grandfather so little, I didn't sense the loss to a great extent. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I offer condolences now, let people know I'm thinking about them. Where before I would have said nothing. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Good outlet. I have needed to share some of these thoughts, but outside of family and friends have had no where to express my thoughts. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? Perhaps asks if you have had a 'visit' from the loved one who died. I know several in my family have had dreams of Stefanie dressed in white where she told them, "I just wanted to let you know I'm all right." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 25 15:11:20 1998 Anonymous Guest - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago. Aged: - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age How'd I do? How well - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Your questionaire deals with the death of others. What about brushes with ones own death? I would say few, if any, events have reshaped my life more than my own near death experience. It shook my faith in everything and made me either reaffirm or change all of my beliefs and ideals. [Ed Note: Actually, the questionnaire deals with these things, too... Perhaps the reader didn't get all the way through the very long questionnaire. -JS] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ M20 in Dublin, =Ireland= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ] Through "Yahoo!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Student of Germanic Languages - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 19 yrs ago. Cause of Death: natural causes; Aged: 79. --Details: I've very little recollection of this. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: part of life, when humans are separated from those they know, and when eneryone around them is stripped of all the little illusions with which we surround ourselves. What comes afterwards is largely unknown. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was too young to really be aware of it. --That first time, how it happened was My grandfather died, but I saw little of the whole thing: I hardly remember it. Not that there are any problems there. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: that when my father and I go to the graveyard on the hill (of Howth in Dublin), it's one of the few times we can really talk freely to one another. --What I think my (Ireland) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it should take it even more seriously (I refer to criminals and terrorists: otherwise, the combination of religious, community and family makes it relatively bearable). --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the way it allows the family to gather together, and to speak freely without all the usual illusions. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: family support. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the guilt that I hadn't known them better. I still feel that way to some degree. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: n/a --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: know her better. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: get to see her the night before she died. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: my grandmother asked me from her death-bed to become a priest. (She knew I was at university at this point, but it was her long-standing ambition to have a priest in the family.) --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I suspect that I would still not be speaking to her as much as I'd think I should, an still be feeling guilty for it. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... It sort of is fair, inasmuch as death can be. We all get one go on this world. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was looking at her body during a wake: she was laid out, and looked terribly small, even for her: she had become a shadow of her former self. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: that they did what they could, but it wasn't much, as she was having a full systems failure. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: she was dying and beyond their help, but what is important, is that she wanted "to escape" from the hospital (as she put it), and died among her family, with no intrusion (not to say that they're looked down upon) from the doctor. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: she had been a member of the Third Order of St. Dominic (a lay order of nuns, if such a thing can exist), and was frequently visited by them and the local ordained clergy. I remember looking at the local priest as he did the funeral and thinking that he didn't look far from death himself (she lived in a district with many senior citizens). --Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic --Regarding MONEY: it was dealt with by my father (it was my paternal grandparents in both cases), and his siblings: he'd only talk about it away from everyone. --Regarding the FUNERAL: it was great to have everyone take the trouble to come, but as so many of them were old, I remember thinking that there were going to be fewer and fewer at the next funerals in the area. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: there was one wonderful moment. The morning after my grandmother had died, the body was laid out, and my youngest sister (who was 12 and has Down's Syndrome) came in and saw her laid out. She asked what was going on, and was told that grandmother was dead. She replied that she was with God now, and this comforted everyone. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': my grandmother had been wanting to get out of the hospital "to escape from that fella" (death). My mother (from West Ireland) tells of wakes, protecting the dead from "the black man", but I wasn't there on the night. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I wouldn't know what to say to my grandmother, and so I'd feel guiltier afterwards, having wasted this new chance. I'd pass up such an opportunity, unless she had something to say. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I don't think I'm too afraid of death. I just wonder what would happen while I wasn't there afterwards. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I'm more aware of the existence of death in life, and can seldom look at an old person without thinking of them dead. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? For "What was it that helped you cope with death", there should be the chance to answer a range of causes. [Ed Note: Actually, we have a blank space right next to the single-word selection choice, where you could add in any length of additional comments, or choices from the adjacent box. ] In the "Sentence completion" part, it jumps from the first death that the subject remembers to the most recent. [ Yes, this needs to be edited. We're working on an updated version of the questionnaire where this will be addressed. ] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 25 01:40:17 1998 M20 in Dallas, TX =usa= Name: Rob Email: <hautephoto-at-juno.com> Web: http://WWW.cyberramp.net/~franks/rob - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] yahoo - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: photographer - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Sleeping Beauties: Post mortem photographs - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of idol Public Figure, 1 ago. Cause of Death: murder; Aged: 50. --Details: Versace...he was the reason I became a fashion photographer and his sudden, violent death startled me. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: When the physical body dies, and the spirit leaves the body to take on new tasks --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was amazed --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...family member that I never met --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the media's constant disrespectful hounding of the family --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: what it is and why it happens --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: being who I am --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: myself --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the fact that they would no longer be an active part of my life --[My idol Public Figure's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: let it influence my art --The most confusing point of death for me was when: not confused --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: death no longer bothers me --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: save him from the murderer --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: cope --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: the person is dead --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I began to feel better about it --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: understanding death --Religious Affiliation: Pagan --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: death is universAL - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jun 24 22:11:02 1998 F19 in vienna, va =usa= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] web serch for "Bardo" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 9 ago. Aged: 70? --Details: See below. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... My grandmother died of Breast Cancer when I was 10. Until she really started failing, I was only aware of little things, like the fact that she wouldn't come swimming with us kids anymore. After she died (I wasn't allowed to see her in the hospital-- at her request that the kids not see her as she died-- but that made it very hard for me), I felt very guilty for being mad at her for never making good on her promises to be well enough "next summer" to swim with me. To answer below, I feel I only really just got over this in the past year (nine years later) whne I had a dream. In the dream, I was in a hot tub with all sorts of relative, most of them long dead ancestors I'd only heard stories of, or maybe seen pictures. Then my Grandmother walked up, offered me a hand out of the hot tub, and together we dove into the pool. About a week after I had this dream, my grandfather (her husband) died, and I felt the dream really helped me deal with that. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Other: What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jun 24 20:35:52 1998 Anonymous Guest - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3.5 yrs ago. Cause of Death: brain cancer; Aged: 53. --Details: He was sick for about a year and a half so it was tough on me and the family. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my best friend's cousin died and her grandmother at the same time. Her cousin was only 14 and he was struck by lightning. I mainly tried to help her out. I was bothered by it because everyone was so sad.Then six years later her father died at the young age of 53 and that was very rough on the family. Three and a half years later it is still very tough for them. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jun 24 12:50:40 1998 M23 in chicago, il =usa= Name: tim Email: <tim0ritchie-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: software analyst, psychologist Recommended Reading-- Writers: K. Ring; E. Kubler-Ross; Bowlby; Lao-tzu; Buddha - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 0 ago. Cause of Death: age, nature; Aged: 94. --Details: this person was my great-grandmother, not the person I mentioned in the previous section. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a process like breathing or respiration. Life and death are motion through time...do you, alien being, understand motion, respiration, or process? --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I had hallucinations that the deceased person was talking to me as I sat and observed the body at the wake. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...an unexpected, unknown cause(s) of my gradmother's death --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: we are happy she lead a full life; she was my last living relative from another country; she lives in our memories. --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: all reactions to it are ok; there are cultural differences in the experince and celebration of another's death; reincarnation/rebirth is as important as heaven and hell. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: for every passing away is a bringing forth --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: learning that what I felt was OK, death does not have to be a taboo subject even though my culture treats it as such --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the constant reminders of that person in my thoughts; wanting to be death myself; witnessing others sadness when mine alleviated --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: no advice, just be here in the stillness of life, relaxed and open to what is next --[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: learned to accept death and not live in total fear of it. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: some people I trusted said my grandmother was murdered, others whom I trusted said she killed herself --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: predict the future of people I love --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: cope --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I could smile and vividly recall past experiences I had with the deceased --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: what that person left behind, materially --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I replay specific instances when I just found out about my grandmother --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... not too different --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that I have to live year after year after year only to witness more life, more death, etc. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could it never gets that difficult --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I gave a lecture on Buddhist perspectives on dying; wrote extensively in personal journals, poems, etc. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: support, encouragement, aspiration --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: very little --Religious Affiliation: past = catholic, christian current = atheist, buddhist, taoist --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: the broader view of spirit doe not feel like anything to me, but it exists always in and beyond my conscoous awareness --Regarding MONEY: family bifurcated after disputes about inheritance --Regarding the FUNERAL: family came together for the last time, many went their separate ways after that. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: hallucianting, hearing and envisioning, my grandmother when I was 13 at the wake --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': it scared me senseless and I was embarraced to tell my mom about it --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: it would be nice to know how my gradmother died, eventhough I have accepted murder and suicide as the causes of her death --Any thoughts about your own death?: relieved and excited; suffering, joy, and the rest occur while we live, what happens after life is unknowable --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: reading and writing in solitude, talking with others - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Books & Films psychology degrees; course work on death & dying; Buddhism What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc. not knowing if she was murdered or committed suicide --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: listen, talk, reminisce, re-enact - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - there are many questions, covers a lot of ground, lets respondent reflect, put answers into own words, flexible - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? there's a couple that don't exactly flow grammatically or could use some re-wording, somewhere in the middle...I'm not an editor ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 23 20:24:10 1998 F in round rock, texas == Name: patricia bredthauer Email: <pbredthauer-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: gerontologist - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: I am extremely interested in how individuals approach the topic of death and dying. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 2 weeks ago. Cause of Death: pneumonia; Aged: 72. --Details: she had progressive supra nuclear palsy - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the continuation oflife on another level of consciousness. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was in 3rdor 4th grade and a young boy in one of my classes washit by a car exiting fromthe bus. he was laughed at because he wet his pants in class one day and I felt sorry for him. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...it was a grandparent I adored. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: that I was able to be of support and help. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: to do away with DENIAL. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that life can come to an end when there is no quality of life left. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: taking courses in Death at St. Edward's. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: missing the space they occupied in my life. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: To remember that being there is an opportunity to say goodbye and tell them how much they meant to you. The last sense to go is hearing. --[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: gave her my permission to die and how comforting it was to me to remove the IVs from her arms. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I don't think I was ever confused. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: everyone needs humor in their lives at the worst of times as wellas the best. It is a way of dealing with events. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say goodbye to my mother before she slipped into a coma. To have had one last conversation with her. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: be with her when she died. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I felt very acceptng of the process. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System I have studied it extensively nothing hindered me except not dealing with grief constructively ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 23 11:15:44 1998 F44 in New Orleans, LA == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Office Mgr./English dept. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: On Death & Dying---Mourning & Mitzvah Recommended Reading-- Writers: Kubler-Ross---Anne(?) Brenner - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 11 ago. Cause of Death: Myasthenia Gravis (sp?); Aged: 72. --Details: the death occurred in an ICU unit. He had been in ICU for about 3 months. I flew in from S.F.several times to say good-bye. During my last visit he called me into the room and wrote that he wanted to die. He got his wish. the Dr's administered Morphine a couple of days later. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the final breath we take while in our physical body. It can be a great release or a horrible struggle. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was detached. I think I was 7 yrs. old and I was more concerned about my father's feelings than my own. It was the first time I had ever seen him cry. When I was 13 yrs old my best friend died (15yrs) of a drug overdose. I am 44 now, but can still remember the sensation of nausea and disbelief upon hearing the news. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My grandmother, who was living with us at the time died of emphasima (SP?)I don't believe she died at home. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the love. My father exuded love to the very end. He was a well-loved human being. I can't stress this point enough. People from all socio-economic backgrounds loved and respected him. As I sat next to him in the ICU unit I vividly recall the sensation of the air being electrified. I felt honored to be in his presence. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: that the dying deserve to be surrounded by their friends and/or family. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the spiritual intimacy with the person who was dying. My Mother is dying now, at home, as we speak. I am grateful that she can speak about her death so that I can thank her for all she has given me. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: books. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: letting go. I don't know if I've actually "let go" of my father. Had you known him, you would understand. I miss him sooo much. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Listen. Touch. Take a nap with the person. Laugh.Listen to their favorite music. --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: made it safe for him to talk (he couldn't speak, so he kept a pad by the bed)about his life, death. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: the morphine was administered and I sat with my head on his bed holding his hand. I didn't want him to die alone, but apparently he preferred it that way. I left the room for not more than 5 minutes and he had gone. I suppose he didn't want me to be in the room. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I never laughed at the time of Death, but I do recall a feeling of exaltation. The atmosphere in the room seemed to be highly charged. I wasn't expecting this. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: let him see me cry. I was too busy protecting him. I didn't want him to know how devasted I was feeling. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: be near him. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: does one ever get over it? I don't think so. you just learn how to cope a bit better. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... In an alternate reality, my father would be playing with his grand daughter and helping me in my garden.We would take long walks together in the park or we would stop by a construction sight so he could marvel at it all. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could wake up. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was angry.very angry. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: thankfulness. the nurses on the ICU floor were angels. They respected my father and knew that they were dealing with a very special person. Unfortunately, my feelings about the medical community are quite negative with the exception of the experience just mentioned. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: that my father would be buried right away and a mourning period of 1 year would occur. (We're Jewish) --Religious Affiliation: Jewish. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: like love. --Regarding the FUNERAL: the police escort. There were an incredible number of people in attendance. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: viewing his body moments after death. His mouth was wide open. the medical staff couldn't close it. I often wonder if his spirit/soul departed from his mouth. Anyway, I wish I hadn't seen him that way. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: I felt that my Father was with me for about 3 months. One day I just didn't feel his presence anymore. I think it was at that time that I became very despondent for I felt that he was truly gone. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I've hear this too. I don't know if this was true in my Father's case, but it wouldn't surprise me. Everyone who met him felt a deep connection. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: no unresolved issues. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I'd like to be reassured that he sees my life in progress. I 'd like to know that he's OK, where ever he is. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: write everything down. talk about your wishes to people who can carry them through. --Any thoughts about your own death?: My own death has been a preoccupation since I was about 13 yrs. old. I think of my own mortality often, yet I don't perceive myself as being morbid. I think our mortality is the creative stuff that motivates us-- whether we want to believe it or not. I've always thought that I'd like just enough time to tell my friends "good-bye" , to tell them how much I love them. The absolutely hardest part about dying now would be that I wouldn't be able to watch my daughter grow up. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: talking. I talked and cried to my dad alot. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - The questionnaire helped clarify some issues for me. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 23 01:21:33 1998 F16 in Wellington, =New Zealand= Name: Siobhan Email: <smurf_nz-at-yahoo.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: student at high school - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 8 months ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 46. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: something to be frightened of --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I laughed. I was way too young to understand. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...a school friend was killed in an accident --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: nobody understands and eveyone thinks that you ought to be over it --What I think my (New Zealand) culture needs to better learn about death is: it's not something to be frightened of --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: myself and my memories --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: not knowing my own beliefs - I don't believe in God or Heaven so I don't know what happens to someone after death --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: grow up with my mother --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: it was five months after she'd died and I got really depressed but nobody even thought about why I was. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: someone says something like about how they don't get on with their mother or parents --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that I should grow up without a mother --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could die --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: amazement and awe --Regarding HOSPICE etc: they were tens time better than the hospital --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: absolutely nothing --Religious Affiliation: none --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: confused --Regarding the FUNERAL: how wonderful people seemed to think my mother was --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : everything is a milestone --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: dealing with death within myself seems to have been the only way- no one wants to talk about it --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I don't care if people think I'm weird to be hugging my girl friends all the time - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: someone to listen to me ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jun 22 18:48:28 1998 F19 in Allentown, PA == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: I had written a short story about my experience that I thought was very helpful. It has been published in our school journal, so I suppose it must be good. I dont' know if it would help. I would call it inspirational if nothing else... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 4 yrs ago. Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 40ish. --Details: teacher i was very close to in high school.. died in a car accident the last day before christmas break - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I cried. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my great grandmother passed away... i dont' remember how... --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the singing during the funeral... christmas carols... I saw 3 ships come sailing in on christmas day. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: denial. fear. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: it brings the surviviors closer together. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: friends... talking about it... also writing about it. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: facing the changes after the death. It's hard to deny when you are forces to alter your life. --Religious Affiliation: none --Regarding MONEY: it was odd. The family asked that donations be made to our club at school, and with that money, our group went on a trip that we had looked forward to together. It was bittersweet.... --Regarding the FUNERAL: there were so many more people there then I ever could have imagined. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? How well What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities my sisters couldn't show their feelings...made fun of my crying ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jun 22 17:52:56 1998 F16 in Meriden, Connecticut == Name: Shade Email: <filter500-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 1.5 yrs ago. Cause of Death: disease; Aged: 3. --Details: he was the only one who ever cared - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: part of life --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I laughed --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...2 of my grandparents died --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Why should I care? No one does....Everyone should die..There are way too many humans in the world.. --What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is: That it's life and not to avoid it like it's so horrid.. Stop lying and saying there's something there, cause there isn't.. It's just non-existance..deal with it --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: no more pain for my cat.. also, I will die. and so will everyone else --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: No one cared.. My comfort is knowing that someday they'll die too.. espically *her* she deserves it for what she did.. I wanna watch.. so cold and alone.. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Pain..rage..there is nothing left..no one cares..he was the only one who ever could.. the bitch killed him..she'll pay --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: nothing helps --[My cat's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: feel.. I WILL FIND YOU SOMEDAY!!! I WANT TO WATCH YOU SUFFER FOR WHAT YOU DID!!! --The most confusing point of death for me was when: My family lied to me --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I was right. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: kill her first.. He did nothing to her or anyone.. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: ha! LIES! --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: No one cared for my cat but me..They acted like it was nothing.. "Oh. it's only a cat, not a *human*" who cares? He was alot better than any of those concieted bastards --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: that humans mean shit in the world.. we're nothing really.. mostly lies --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I'd know that somewhere out in this world, someone cared.. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... Yes..not fair..fair..who cares? all will die all will suffer.. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could commit suicide..it never works --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I know what i must do.. revenge sweet blissful..revenge --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: NOTHING!!! --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing..it was all lies.. As i said, there is no god.. there is no hell no heaven, no right, and no wrong. --Religious Affiliation: atheist --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: There is no spirit.. flesh is all we are --Regarding MONEY: money was no object --Regarding the FUNERAL: no one but me mourned him --The weirdest part of it all to me was: the fact that no one cared --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : who cares? we're all gonna die.. what's the point? --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': hahahahaha --RE: Near Death Experiences: again, ahahahahahaha --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: no one can help me why would they care? never mind..they don't --If we were to visit one last conversation... that he wasn't mad at me cause i couldn't help him.. maybe i wouldn't feel so cold --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Everyone should be allowed to die when they want --Any thoughts about your own death?: I want to die I won't live long and you don't care --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Pain.. carve the rage into you.. Only way to live.. And not kill everyone else to show them what it's like to suffer --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? so much pain..so damn cold.. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out It's part of life..like sleeping What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy there is no heaven or hell..it's all a lie.. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: ha like anyone would help *snort* - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - blah.. good for showing my pain.. No one listens but a computer screen.. heh ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jun 22 15:48:08 1998 F49 in Portland, Maine =usa= Name: khc Email: <lcolpitts-at-hotmail.com > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: customer service Recommended Reading-- Writers: elizabeth kubler-ross - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 ago. Cause of Death: depression and illness; Aged: 79. --Details: depression and chronic pain exacerbated by bad falls - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a natural conclusion of a life cycle, a physical ending, but not a relationship ending --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was curious --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my great aunt died of old age. it was my first funeral...9 years old. a very hot summer day and lots of people --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: pain and loss and the surprise that i not only lost my mother but also the family as i knew it --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: one needs to respect those who are dying and listen to their needs --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: my mother would no longer feel pain and hurt and fear --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my husband --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the total sense that i was alone in the process --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: staying by their side to watch over them, especially in a hospital setting to act as an advocate, protector and strength --[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: survived --The most confusing point of death for me was when: i couldnt identify with other people's feelings --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: laughing was part of the process and release. it helps the body physically cope6+ --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: intervened with her care earlier than i did. i trusted her voice too much and responded to the mother authority --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: in this situation nothing was ever better than i imagined --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: i told my mother it was ok to die, i dont even know if she could hear me --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: a funeral --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: i remember all the things i never said --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... my mother would have been moved closer to us and being cared for, as she could have been. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... she left me to deal with everyone --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could hate my sister and brother --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I tried to numb out by taking care of details. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: caring within limitations of an institution --Regarding HOSPICE etc: not applicable --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: hoping my mother could find something in the ministers words and prayers to giver her ease --Religious Affiliation: protestant --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: safe and open to meet those we cared about in some form again --Regarding MONEY: her death saved her from a year of expensive rehab another operation and the eventual loss of her home --Regarding the FUNERAL: there was none --The weirdest part of it all to me was: deciding how to bury her since she had been rejected as a donee to harvard university, her first choice...there had been no plan b --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : depression, wandering mind a sense of giving up --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: grieving will be a life time that you get used to the missing and i dont believe it gets easier --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': i dont know --RE: Near Death Experiences: no --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: i never explained what was going on for me the year she died. i never could tell her how angry i was for how she enabled my brother. i hated being left with all the debris and i feel i have failed badly. I have 2 therapists helping with issues. they were in place before her death --If we were to visit one last conversation... i couldnt stand having that kind of conversation if i knew it was the last one --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: see answer above...above all respect is so important to those who are dying, as well as comfort and freedom from pain --Any thoughts about your own death?: i have said bluntly....i do not want a service or anything in the paper, if i am able use me for donor organs. listen to what i have said about not prolonging my life and about stashing pills should i become ill --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: i always remember, i have not yet begun to grieve as i know i should - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: i hate it when someone reachs to help me and forces me to feel. i am very good at easing and helping the pain of others. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - probably the question about the last conversation. the word last is a very powerful word filled with finality. i didnt like thinking about it - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? i like the probing and freedom to express rather than check off a box ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jun 22 14:58:39 1998 F17 in new orleans, la =usa= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: student (high school) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 4 yrs ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 15. --Details: he was gay and couldn't take it - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when you stop living --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I totally denied it and supressed ALL feelings --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... my grandfather who had had prostate cancer and 2 major heart attacks died. i was close to him. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how many people his death affected --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: not so sad, usually the person is happier dead, that is if he/she was termanally ill/in a lot of pain or killed themselves --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that it brought a lot of people closer together --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: musical theatre; lyrics --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: feeling so isolated, not letting myself grieve --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: hug them --[My acquaintance's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: was in too much denial; get those feelings out!!!! don't keep everything all bottled up --The most confusing point of death for me was when: a few days to a year after he killed himself --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: ? --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: speak to a counselor --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: know him while i did --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: they sang a song from Godspell at the funeral --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: that he was "in a better place now" --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: i see pictures of him or hear stories about him --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... i might not be as appriciative of life as i am, this made me NEVER want to kill myself and if it hadn't have happened, i may be or have been suicidal --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... when someone so young and confused gives up --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could get my emotions out!!! --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was still in denial. i don't know that i ever acknowlegded the death --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: anger --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing --Religious Affiliation: catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: ? --Regarding MONEY: not an issue --Regarding the FUNERAL: just how many young people were there, mostly high schoolers --The weirdest part of it all to me was: not being able to grieve --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : living for others and not caring for yourself; problems with sexuality --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: it was a good thing, as sad as that sounds --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': ? --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: counsellor --If we were to visit one last conversation... that it's okay to be gay, i will still love you and so will many people --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: ? --Any thoughts about your own death?: i'm not afraid of my own death --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: journalling, writing it ALL down on paper --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? nope - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Zoning Out --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: i wish i could have been reached out to more - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - this was great for me, it made me think about some issues that i haven't thought about before...thank you ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jun 21 14:46:42 1998 F30 in Buenos Aires, =Argentina= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Historian, teacher Recommended Reading-- Writers: Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, Raymond Moody, several Jungian oriented psychologist's works. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 1 year ago. Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 27. --Details: Right after leaving for a holiday with 2 friends, he was sleeping in the back of the pickup which hit a pothole and flipped over. He was thrown out and crushed by the fall, died instantaneously. His funeral was a tremendously difficult experience, he was very well liked and as always when young people die, the atmosphere was quite "tragic". It was the first funeral I'd attended since the one during my childhood, since I refuse to go in general because I do not believe in the usefulness of the ritual, at least not according to the Catholic ritual. In fact, I refused to go to my grandparent's funerals. They are, generally morbid, reunions for the living who cannot face the situation on their own. In this case I went due to family "obligations" (my mother was not upset I refused to go to her father's funeral, but my aunt would not necessarily have understood my reasoning without feeling hurt). - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of one phase, one style of life, and the beginning of another and different experience in living. At least to those who believe there is something after death. Others would say it is the end. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I much more struck about the difficulties facing the survivors than the fate of the person who died. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...the mother of a friend of mine at school died of cancer and my mother took me to the funeral, I must have been around 11. Other than the death of my grandparents at an advanced age, most of the contact I've had with the topic has been linked to the deaths of the parents of school companions, or in a few cases, school companions themselves. Thus, until my sister's best friend drowned at 26, and my 27-year old cousin died in a car accident last year. At present, my best friend's mother is dying from pancreatic cancer at a pretty rapid rate, so the matter has specific proximity in my life. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how utterly senseless death seems when it involves someone who has not yet lived a full life, no matter the age. Dying of old age in your bed, surrounded by your loved ones, after you feel you have completed whatever you came here to do during this lifetime, is not tragic. Dying before you reach that point does seem to be much more traumatic, particularly for those left to mourn. --What I think my (Argentina) culture needs to better learn about death is: it is not the end, it is a liberation, no matter how frightening it may seem to our ego. Cry not for the one who died, but for those who remain to carry on and must deal with the pain of adjusting to this new reality. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: through death one may go on with one's journey. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: contact with nature always reminds me that the universe is a wonderful place, and that to be incarnated may be painful but is also a privilege. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Thinking that before death itself, they may have suffered physical pain or that due to their beliefs, such as that there is nothing after death, had a traumatic death experience. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: If they are ill and dying slowly: 1)don't "kill" them before they are actually gone. 2)don't skirt the issue, allow them to talk about dying whenever they need to. 3) don't be melodramatic, they have enough to deal with apart from your own pain at the situation. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: The more solemn the faces around me, the bigger the "irreverent" impluse to laugh becomes in me. We mourn for ourselves in reality, and laughing at ourselves is a hell of a lot healthier than moaning about how hard everything is.The person who died is gone, unto another reality or dimension or whatever. We are still here and must go on with our lives. Laughing reasserts our desire to do so. As Valentine Michael Smith said in "Stranger in a Strange Land", humans laugh because it hurts too much not to. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: There are always questions left unasked, conversations that never took place and that after you wish you had had the chance to have them. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: Yes, I cry whenever I think deeply about the deaths of people I cared about. But I think that is good, tears are a blessing, as they allow us to - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness At the time I had not yet begun questioning the existence or not of life after death, from my upbringing I kind of supposed there was something but was not too interested in the topic. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy The intolerance evinced by most members of organized religions regarding other people's beliefs in general and their concepts on death in particular caused me to become a rabid agnostic by the age of 16. The result, disbelief in life after death, was rather frightening for a teenager to deal with, it caused much anxiety about the possibility of death, my own and that of my loved ones. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jun 21 13:18:17 1998 F19 in Woodbridge, VA =USA= Name: Shevonne Email: <panamamami-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: student/Computer Science - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Madame Bovary, Loreley Recommended Reading-- Writers: Flaubert, Hugo, Baudelaire - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 yr ago. Cause of Death: prostate cancer; Aged: 71. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: something all of us have feared at one point or another. The fear vanishes when something significant and important happens in our lives that changes our outlook in life. We realize that death is only the end of one phase of our existence and the beginning of another. Afterwards, death becomes an expected and chronological part of everything in the world; especially our lives. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was confused. People cryed who had never shed a tear before. Even the most strongest ones became overcome with grief. I felt an emotion I had never felt and never wanted to feel again. --That first time, how it happened was My great-grandmother passed away in the hospital with an error caused by the medical team. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how the family fell apart. Death brings families closer or farther apart. In our case, it moved us farther apart. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it is nothing to fear. None of us know what death will bring; but we need to stop fearing the unknown. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: when my grandfather passed away, I became a stronger and more independent person than I had ever been. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: music. Music relaxed me very much. Even though I feel guilty typing this, it made me forget the pain and guilt I felt for just a little while. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: never seeing this person again only in memories and dreams. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: to always treat anyone good because it could be theirs or your last day. --[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: felt and how I overcame that grief. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I was a little girl. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: everyone has a different way of expressing grief. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say a better farewell to my grandfather. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: pick myself up and do the things I always wanted to do. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I saw my grandfather's face for the last time and when they lowered the casket. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: the cost of the funeral. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I tried to think about every angle of what kind of things my loved one is facing right now. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Music My dreams also helped very much What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt I never said a proper farewell to my grandfather because of my rebellion ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 20 14:54:01 1998 M17 in Tampa Bay, Florida =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 10yrs ago. Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 50 something. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The end of one life, the beginning of another. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I shrugged it off. --That first time, how it happened was My grandfather had a heart attack. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Going to Florida for the funeral. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: where we go. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Carrying on something in their memory. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my own thoughts and beliefs of death. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I look forward to seeing them again in Stovokore. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I became a warrior. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing. --Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic, but I do not follow its teachings. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget It just sort of passed away. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 20 13:53:19 1998 F21 in Queens, NY =USA= Email: <maenglish-at-earthlink.net> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Housewife/Teacher/Tutor - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 4yrs ago. Cause of Death: number of problems; Aged: 35. --Details: She had watched all three of her brothers die years prior. After the last death, she gave up on living. She stop eating, walking, ect. As a result, she developed my physical problems. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: is process that all have experience at one point in time. It is something that all of us have to go through. People deal with death in many different ways, depending on their religious beliefs. People die at different ages due to natual causes, drugs, accidents, or dieases. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was 10 years old. It was the death of my father. I stayed strong to help my family out. A year later I last a brother. In total, since 1988, I have lost 4 close family members. I found myself falling apart emontional the more I came to relize the toll it has taken on the family. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My father died of a heart attack when I was 10 years old. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the fact she was so young, 35. She did not have to die. I think this death effected my mother the most. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My family, friends, and religion. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Knowing all they were going to miss here on earth. My graduations, awards, marriage, and being here to see me start my own family. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: to let them know you are there if they need to talk, yell, or cry. Do not force them to talk about anything they do not want to. Let them come to you on their own time. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I try not to think about it too much. I have grown a to fear dying a little bit. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy Also my family. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 20 03:02:23 1998 M26 in Edmonton, Alberta =Canada= Name: Melanie Email: <Vienna-at-telusplanet.net> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Security - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 5 ago. Cause of Death: auto accident; Aged: 19. --Details: drunk driver - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: entering a different level of conciusness, learning more lessons that are needed or wanted. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Cried, decided to discover how I felt about death. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...four friends in a car crash........drunk driver --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: feeling guilty as I was upset because he wasnt with me..........thinking of myself, not being happy for him as he had moved on. --What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is: that is not a bad thing, we are still going to see each other again, just in another form. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: makes me realize that the time we have on this plain is short, and you have to hold what you have now. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my immediate family, and that they did not laugh or condone my beliefs in life and life after death. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the seperation. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: holding them close, listening to them and reasuring them. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: they initially go. It just seems a waste, to spend such a short time here. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more time with them................isnt that always the way. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: be a friend for the time I was. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I smiled, and knew everthing was okay..............he was okay, I was okay......and this was how it is suposed to be. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: the foundation of what I belive, and that I wasnt the only one who thought like that. --Religious Affiliation: current:wicca............past:anglican --Any thoughts about your own death?: I am not afraid to die now.................I just hope that I am not in to much pain before I go to the other side. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 20 00:40:28 1998 F22 in Shoreline, WA =Kng County= Name: Tania Biechler Email: <ddyzgrl-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Director of a Boy's & Girl's Club - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2yrs ago. Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 50. --Details: It was all so sudden that i am still in denial. My mother checked into the hospital on July 30th for dizziness and never left. She died on August 10 from cancer that we never knew she had. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a void of saddness and devastation --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I couldnt believe it happened. My Sr. year in high school, a close friend of mine died in a car accident. I remember talking to her that day, it was almost as if i could still reach out and touch her. I would describe it as morbid. Then I was sick from knowing that it could be anyone at anytime. You never know when tragedy will strike. Its creepy to think that one minute she was driving and alive and the next she was gone. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... A friend of the family, who was my age, died after the 3 wheeler they were riding went over a cliff. I was 8 yrs old. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: feeling so helpless and wanting to go back and do things differently. I still shop for her when I'm out not realizing shes gone. When I see a shirt I'll say "Mom would love this" and then realize she is gone. The day before my mom died I said something really mean to her not knowing she would really die. How could I have been so selfish? I will live with this grief for the rest of my life. There is no way I can turn back --What I think my (Kng County) culture needs to better learn about death is: how to prepare yourself. Some cultures bury there dead and then go on with their lives as normal. Some use it as a celebration of after life. Our culture is so dramatic, we spend too much time dwelling on the grief and the past --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: my mothers death was gracious. We had a pastor there praying. Someone was singing psalms from the bible. My mother waited until all 3 of her children were together in the room, something that hadn't happened in 10 years, and then after she spent time alone with all of us she looked at us and said "I Love You" and then died --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my family. Having my family together again helped. I am the "baby" of the family and everyone saw how important it was not to leave me behind. My brothers are 10 years older than I and had their own lives but invited me in to help me out. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: knowing my mother will never know how i truely feel. I will never be able to go back and tell her i am sorry --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: dont be sad and crying. My mother fought for 3 days to stay alive because i was crying telling her she couldnt leave me. I realized that was selfish. I told her it was her time, and then she left. having her kids there meant everything to her --[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: now live each day as the last one. Never leave a loved one with unkind words --The most confusing point of death for me was when: how it got this far. One day my mom is fine and the next were told shes dying. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I never felt that way --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: tell my mom how I really feel inside. Take back all the harsh words i told her --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: be there when she died. One comfort I have is knowing my mother was surrounded by those she loved when she died --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: my mother waited for all us to be there. almost like she knew we needed each other to get through everything. Even to the end she wasn't thinking of herself --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: i hate it when people say "Well shes in a better place now" How do we know this.... there is no proof of that --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: everything sets me off. Atleast2 times a day i think i see my mom. The obituaries, movies, the news, at night when i lay in bed i cry thinking of how i treated her --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... i would respect my mom and try hard to let her know how i really feel inside --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could erase her death completly or atleast erase what i said to her before she died --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cried and havnt stopped for 2 years. I also resent myself for the way i disrespected my mother --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: complete hatred. The way the hospital treated my mother is horrible. They let the life drain out of her. i would go in her roomand pills would be caked in her mouth not disolved. They never bathed her, almost as if they new she was going to die so why bother. They also transported her to a nursing home without consulting me. I had no idea where my mother went --Regarding HOSPICE etc: there wasnt time for hospice, her death was too sudden --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Her church was there to help us through her death. they were comforting because i almost believed there was a better place that my mom went because of their beliefs --Religious Affiliation: none current. I was raised in a christian church for 6 years but then ended up baptized catholic and goimg to a catholic school --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: i am not sure of what happens when we die --Regarding MONEY: her funeral was so expensive. I don't know what o woul've done if it wasnt for my older brother. we couldnt afford to do everything we would have liked and that hurts. It was very hard making sure my mother was buried with dignity but this was also very costly. It prompted me to purchase life insurance as well as my dad so none of my loved ones are left with the burden of not having enough money --Regarding the FUNERAL: it helped having alot of people there. It was easier to deal with it knowing enough people respected my mom and loved her as well. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: i almost enjoyed the attention i was getting --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : wrapping up unfinished business. Putting old grudges behind you. Then at the very end you feel peaceful, start seeing the light and are reaching out for those that have died that you love --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: it has been very long and time has not made it better. It has been 2 years and i still do not feel better. I am thinking of seeing a counselor --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': We were in her room which was completly dark. At this point her speach was babble but there were certain things you could hear her say clearly. At one point she pointed across the room and asked me who all thase people were. We were alone but i told her they were friends and her eto comfort her. She also pointed to a bright light that i couldnt see. She sat up in bed and reached out for calling "mom" who has been dead for years. I was told to expect this and i encouraged her to reach for her mom --RE: Near Death Experiences: My mom and i were actually on 'Sightings" for a N.D.E. special. 8 years before her death my mom was i a coma for 3 months during which she had a stroke. This left her paralyzed on her left side. The Dr.'s said she was brain dead and told us to pull the plug.I fought for her and while in her coma, my gramma died. The same hour my gramma died, my mom awoke out of her coma. Later she was able to tell us that she had a near death experience(N.D.E.) In her N.D.E. she was floating in a tonnel of light and approached my gramma, her mom. Behind my gramma she saw this beautiful being of light in a flowing whie robe who she knew was Jesus. My mom wanted to go with her but my gramma said it is not time yet, go back. My mom said she couldnt talk but that she communicated to her mom that she coulnt move. It was then that my gramma touched the right side of my moms body. This is the side that was not paralyzed. My mom felt a warm sesation ron through her right side and lifted her arm. Then she woke up. 1 yr later my mom was walking, talking, and living on her own --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I have no idea how to resolve them. The only thing i know that would help is to have the opportunity to go back and apologize to her. I know one day we will see each other again and i will have this opportunity but until then i will have to live with m own grief and hurt --If we were to visit one last conversation... It would help tremendously. I never told my mom i apprectiate everything she has done for me. I never told my mom i forgive her for everything. Most importantly i never told my mom how i really feel and and that i respect her --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Burial instructions should always be made aware of. Cremation is a very personal wish and it was hard not knowing or remembering what my mother wanted --Any thoughts about your own death?: I am very scared of death. I imagine my fathers death and how hard that will be for me. I dont think i can handle it. I also imagine my death and i am not ready for it. Sometimes ill be so wrapped up in thinking about the death of a loved one, imagining their funeral, imagining what i would say, i find myself crying until i realize its not true --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I prayed to god that he would allow me to talkto my mom one more time in my dream so i could tell her how i feel and that i was sorry. About 2 weeks after she died I had a dream i was at this girl name Mary's house. Mary was significant in the dream for several reasons. I was never good friends with her but she was so kind and spiritual. She was the leader in her youth group and not afraid to talk about god. I had not seen Mary in 3 years but in my dream i was talking to her about my mothers death and how i wish i knew there was a heaven. She told me not to dodubt the works of God. The telephone rang in my dream and it was my mom! I was able to ask her everything i wanted and to tell her how i really felt. Iwas also able to apologize. My mom and i talked for about 15 minutes. She told me how happy she was and that she was able to run again. I was so happy i was crying. Then i woke up still crying, but for the first time they were tears of happiness. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? like i said before, i never leave any loved one with harsh words. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: nothing - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - it was hard to go back and type some tings out but it made me see my feelings arnt really healthy and mabey i should get some counseling ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 19 18:22:06 1998 F15 in Eugene, Oregon =USA= Name: Jennifer Lake Email: <DaisyDuck53-at-juno.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] I was just looking around and came upon it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Life Guard and Student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 months ago. Cause of Death: an Illness; Aged: 65. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: Where a person's life stops. The don't breath, they don't eat. Some are burried underground, some are burned. Some go to Heaven, other's might go to Hell. When you die, you never come back to earth. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was scared. I didn't know what to say or to do. I screamed and cried. I was uncontrolable. When the funeral came, I was in such denial that it was hard for me to show any emotion except happiness. I was so cheerful, it made others sick. I didn't act like my grandfather had just died, it was like he had just won another award. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... mY Grandfather had been sick for quite a long time with Lukiemia and wasn't getting any better. Then one morning, April 4th to be exact my mom got a call from a hospital down in Las Vegas and told her that he fater was dead. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Screaming at my mom and my uncle. We had gone out to dinner at the Rio in Las Vegas and my stupid Uncle Billy was yelling at my mom because he wanted his share of the will. I jumped up and yelled, "God Damnit, Billy! Shut the Hell up!" and I ran out of the room. When I came back he asked me if I had something to tell him. I told him he was acting like a baby. He said "No, I mean in the way of an applogy." I told him no and he said I should respect my elders. I told him if he started acting older than me then I will respect him, but not until then. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: There isn't a "good" or a "better" way to die. It hurts everyone. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I'll always have my memories of my grandfather. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Talking to my doctor, and writing long letter to people I will never send them to. Also crying. --[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Just let people be there and help you. Denile is the worst thing. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I couldn't figure out if her was going to Heaven or the Hell. --Religious Affiliation: I'm christian Baptist and I belong to the First Baptist Church of Eugene, Oregon - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Rage It was alot of things church, rage, music, crying, and talking to people What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 19 16:01:30 1998 F39 in Sparta, NJ =US= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Technical sales manager, Lucent Technologies - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 mos ago. Cause of Death: heart attack or stroke; Aged: 91. --Details: She died while taking a shower. She was a very modest woman, she would have been mortified. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the time when we stop using the human body. It usually affects other humans for life. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I could not believe it could happen, especially to someone so young. I remember a 3 year old boy who suffocated in a milk box in our neighborhood when I was 4 or 5, but I didn't go to a funeral until I was 8 - 10. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...a kid in fifth grade was riding his motorbike down a dirt trail with an unmarked wire across it, it broke his neck. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: I kept looking at my grandmother in her casket, and thinking I saw her moving, or on the verge of smiling. It made me feel very disoriented. --What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is: Not to waste land burying dead bodies. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I believe that the dead are here with us and watch over us. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Not getting to say goodbye. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say goodbye. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I think about how unhappy she was in the end, and how even if I could have said goodbye, that she wouldn't have understood. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that she had to die naked in the shower. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing. --Religious Affiliation: None/Lutheran --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: like there are other planes of existence. --Any thoughts about your own death?: Most days I just don't care when I am going to die or why. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Books & Films I enjoy believing in the stories that deal with people who died, came back and remembered what happened What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying Not saying all the things to the person who died, before they died, or guilt. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I did get teary-eyed. It is good to remember those who went before us. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 19 14:33:16 1998 M60 in Jasper, GA =US= Name: Wm. Wells Email: <William.Wells4-at-gte.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Health Care Trainer, Theology - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 yrs ago. Cause of Death: COPD other Complications; Aged: 84. --Details: Mother was tired, difficulty in breathing, we asked her if she was ready to go, she said yes. We stayed with her and in about 15 minutes she died quietly. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The natural end of having lived. For some it is seen as a transition from life in the body to life in the spirit. For others it is simply the end of a conscious life with nothing to follow. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was 9 years old. My grandmother died and I did not want to go to the funeral. Everyone was so sad that I simply did not want to go where all that sadness was. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The last few moments I had alone with my mother. She was speaking of not being able to "do" things for us, such as cook when we visited and that she could not "leave" very much. I told her that her legacy was simply in her being. She was a very unique, caring, gentle, and kind woman. Her life of gentle goodness was a legacy worth more that anything financial. She spoke of how thin her hands had become and all I could see was a mother's hands. I held them and told her that those are the gentle hands of a mother who raised her children and her touch was always precious. --What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is: To not be so afraid, to, as someone put it, not worry so much about the number of the days but the quality . . ."western man lives life short and thin . . . eastern man lives life short and fat"...how true this is I am not sure, but I do like the concept of life lifed well, no matter the number of days. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Being able to be with a mother when her retarded child died. She was crying, saying that the one great regret was she never heard him say mama. He began to make noises, gutteral, and animal like. She went to him, took a cool damp cloth and began to sing to him and wipe his face and hands. The child began to coo sweetly. It struck me he was saying mama in his own way. I told her this, she began to cry and told him, you are saying mama, (she repeated this over and over) until he died a few minutes later. The nurses came and "unhooked" the child had we placed him in her lap. She rocked him, cried, petted him, and said again over and over, "you said mama". I will always be grateful I was there and was led to think and tell her he was saying mama. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My wife, her loving gentle touch and caring. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: I could not be there prior to the time of death as I would have liked to have been. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: There is a certain ministry in presence. Words at times get in the way of genuine caring when we try to "explain" our sympathy. A gentle touch, a hug, and just being there is a comfort. --[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: was able to deal with the loss of a brother on a submarine where no bodies were recovered. How I was finally able to bring about some closure through going to the memorial, and through contact with his children and wife. Being there for them. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: No answer --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: Our family tells stories. We often tell stories of my mother and brother and laugh as we did even at the funeral. We celebrated their lives, mourned their loss, and grieved for ourselves. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Be with my brothe more in the last few years before the sinking of the submarine. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Be at his home while the search was taking place, to try and help so many young wives deal with the agony of the ordeal of thinking of what their husbands might be going through. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I was the older brother, the oldest son. I always saw it as my duty in a family or divorce to "take care" of everyone. I think of my brother in the submarine and still at times feel I should have been with him to "take care: of him through what must have been an awful ordeal of dying that way. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: The particular hospice that took care of my mother was wonderful. Having been a hospice administrator and corporate director or education and staff development I am somewhat rfamiliar with what some do and do not do. Like anything else there are some that are excellent, some good, and some that should not be allowed to continue. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Comfort of firends, a reassurance of our faith. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: There is a comforting feeling that we are not just so much blood, skin and bones, here for a while and then gone with no real purpose, meaning or hope. --Regarding MONEY: Of little or no consequence. --Regarding the FUNERAL: The number of people whe came from so many distant places to "pay their respects" to my mother. How many lives she touched and influenced. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Those physical signs and symptoms that death is near, and the peace that some people have, even amid the pain, etc. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': Beautiful music, as though a choir of angles were welcoming her. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: No unresolved issues. Ouf family has always been close, very loving and honest. We talked about whatever was a "problem" and did not leave thing unsettled. --If we were to visit one last conversation... Just tell them again how much I love them, how I miss them,how much they (mother and brother) mean to me still. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I have my advance directives and living will completed. I have also made know in writing what I want for my funeral. We are going to have a good time. I want the funny stories talked about, the good times remembered, and since I have traveled much of my life and loved it, after the hymns, etc., close the funeral with Willie Nelson's "On The Road Again". The kids like it. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I have no fear. In fact, there have been times when I was very ill, if it was only me, I would have simple "given up the spirit". But the though of my family, my wife, my children being sad would not allow that. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I write, letters, poems, just sentences when I feel especially close or am thinking of the past, both good times and hard times. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I do not want to live as one person put it "past my mind". I have a little poem above the place where I write that says "When I no longer can be me, then I no longer want to be" - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age How'd I do? How well --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Those people who seem to be uncomfortable, I simply wish they could know that their presence and caring was enough. They did not have to try to explain anything. Just being there was enough. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 19 06:23:02 1998 F33 in Johannesburg, Gauteng =South Africa= Name: Anretha Kendall Email: <anrethak-at-global.co.za> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Marketing Manager - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: Not at the moment - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 week ago. Cause of Death: pneumonia; Aged: 82. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The end of an era, the forever changing of a situation for the people who loved this dead person, and end. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was in utter shock. This time, although I was also in shock, the absolute feeling of emptiness is what stands out the most --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...a friend died at the age of 15 in a motorcycle accident --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: sitting at the grave afterwards having a very clear feeling that this is it. No angels, no spirits, no heaven, no hell, all previous beliefs I had myself in question. --What I think my (South Africa) culture needs to better learn about death is: to not fear it for oneself. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I saw family members I never expected to be human, show humane actions and close family brought closer by the experience --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Too soon to say, spending time alone at the grave helped, my children depending on me helped and definitely friends. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the foreverness of it all. My father was the spine of the mobile, and the scales now tipped with no knowledge if it will ever equalise again --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: It was all a blur, a huge blur. Crying one minute, absolute giggles about fitting a steering lock the next. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: be at his bedside when he died. Spend more time with him before his death. Listened more to his pleas about not coping with my mother's fighting anymore, listening to his death wishes. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: have such a great relationship with him, that I loved him totally unconditionally and him me. He was the only person I felt really cared about me and it made me warm knowing that. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: my brother cried. He is 40, I am 33 and it was the first time in my life I saw him cry. It somehow made me feel better, maybe knowing I am not alone. My very real urge that he should be dressed in a suit and not a death robe, got vetoed from all over --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: The coffin. What does it matter? The worms eat it anyway --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I am not nearly over it, it will get better, but it will never go away. What pains the most at the moment, is visualising the body rotting in a grave somewhere and no one visiting him. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I would spend more time with him, go visit him more often. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that he got buried without wearing his suit. that he did not give me a "deathbed", I expected to be there. That he left me nothing, I was his favorite child and nothing, I even asked for a sign from his grave, but buggerall. Logically, I know, but somehow I expected more from him. That there is no God, no heaven, no hell, no angels, no spirits. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Jump down the grave and spend a few minutes with him. Touch him and talk to him --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: no care. They don't give a damnl. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: N.A. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Wonderful for them to be able to make it so simple. I need logical truth and somehow know I will not find it. --Religious Affiliation: Christian, did not work this time around. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: One huge question, this is how I found this site, looking for answers --Regarding MONEY: not that important. Banks are vultures and pigs, humans stink in general, but as a family it was not an issue. --Regarding the FUNERAL: Caring people all around, the funeral house was great, I never thought they would be, but they were really great. So many people loved him, it was not just at the funeral, but the food, flowers, love sent from all over was overwhelming and a great comfort. Every person that phoned had a little "quipp" they wanted to share about him. It was warm knowing he was such a good, wonderful, loved person by so many. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: such clear visuals of his body rotting in the grave. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : no answers --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: I have just started this process, will do the questionaire again in a couple of months and see what changed. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': started happening long before he actually died. He visited many dead friends and relatives for more than a year before he actually died, which makes me think that he himself had a deathwish --RE: Near Death Experiences: None --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: He had 2 wishes for me, to stop smoking and to teach my children religion. I stopped smoking 3 days ago and it is actually not so bad, maybe he is here holding my hand (Smoked for 15 years with out quitting once except when pregnant) Will resolve the religion issue with the children on my own journey for knowledge now, I just know the answer to that will come to me. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would just want to hold him and never let go. We knew how dearly we loved each other, but who is going to look after me now? --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I don't want to be buried in a 6 foot hole, I don't want to be cremated, my body must be donated to science and my organs donated, my family knows that, but I somehow think that they will not do that for me as their beliefs are so different. Who will look after my choldren? --Any thoughts about your own death?: I am not scared of death, I would like to get my children on their own feet obviously before it happens, and I feel sorry for them if I have to die, but for myself I have not had any fear for a long time. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I know I need to gain as much knowledge as possible now on all the theories, religion, reincarnation, the 4th millenium, etc. Logical knowledge has to help. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? Too soon - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I dont' feel like helping anyone at the moment, I just want to help myself. Sounds harsh, I have always been a codependant caregiver to everyone else, this time I only want to look after myself. I need my friends that I can discuss all these issues with, that can listen and are on the same plane as me. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I been through all of these feelings already, I need to read a lot now, I need knowledge, but I somehow think that in a couple of months time this questionaire is going to have a different effect. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? Nope ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 19 01:05:46 1998 F33 in newark, ca =usa= Name: m.nejat - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: grocery supervisor - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 7 months ago. Cause of Death: emphasema/heart failure; Aged: 66. --Details: my father had emphasema for many years, but his final demise took place over about a two month agonizing hospital stay in which he never left icu till his final day. it was a horrible experience for the whole family waste away from a very intelligent man to a tiny shadow of himself with many periods of confusion. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was too young to understand what was going on. i didnt cry and i didnt feel as sad as maybe i should have --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was..my mother,brothers and i went to my grandmothers house. I opened the gate,saw her legs on the ground, then my mom pushed me back. later she told us that grandma had died . --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how horribly prolonged it was, and the fact that we all felt a bit guilty to feel relief as well as grief --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: we should learn how to respect the dead without the big business associated --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: when my dad died, my 5 brothers and sisters and i formed a bond that was never there before. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: having someone who would listen,didnt matter who, and let me vent all my problems and stresses --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: i already suffered from panic and anxiety so it was very hard for me to add this stress and still function as wife, mother and working women --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: i am lucky that my family and friends are all able to understand how varied normal reactions can be --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: spend more time with dad in the hospital before he died than i probably did in the previous 2 years. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I sobbed in a way i never had, then after a few hours the relief, both for my dad who had suffered so , and for my own stress started to sink in --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: they wanted to save my fathers life, but it became increasingly obvious that he would not have any sort of life if he did survive.; the med. personnel were very supportive --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: my mothers minister was of great help to her --Religious Affiliation: i was raised attending a variety of churches. i converted to islam 8 years ago --Regarding MONEY: we were lucky money was no issue --Regarding the FUNERAL: the loving and caring we felt --The weirdest part of it all to me was: living in 2 worlds one of death and disease, then going to work with a smile on my face to greet customers - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: i feel i helped my mother by making sure she didnt feel she was going through this alone ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 19 00:22:45 1998 Anonymous Guest - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Looking for data on shyness - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: None - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 yrs ago. Cause of Death: Murder 5 friends; Aged: 18-64?. --Details: They were murdered in the course of a robbery - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The End --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Got upset and cried --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...The first death I recall is the death of my Uncle Joe from kidney failure, I was 6. My recolections are more of the funeral, I remember the casket was open and I was scared. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Getting really pissed at the priest who was telling every one that the deceased was going to heaven, I bit my tongue for the sake of the others present. This person had died of complications due to AIDS and I kept thinking of the hypocracy of that priest and what he represented. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: That death is the end and we should be working on prolonging and improving live for those who are alive. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My lover --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: The needless prolongation of suffering that my grandfather went through with his cancers no pain reliever worked for the last 6 months he was alive. he asked to die over and over again but he couldn't die with dignity because assisted suicide is againt the law. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Allow them to die with dignity... give them permission to go --[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: support assisted suicide - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying It's kind of like dealing with the sun riseing, it's going to happen to us all(unless the perfect that cloneing thing) What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy I do not believe in god...most funerals involve some "priest" talking about a supposed reward in the afterlife ...it's almost as if the clergy enjoy funerals as an affirmation of their leadership role over "death cults" after all most religions look forward to some reward in some supposed "afterlife" and you have to die to go to heaven. so death and funerals serve as a constant reminder for the religious of the end and the rituals associated with death help to deepen our fear of being mortal. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 18 19:51:15 1998 F38 in Kearny, nj =USA= Name: Linda S. Email: <lindalaroo-at-aol.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] links about death and dying - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Supervisor, Client services Recommended Reading-- Writers: Dr. Kubler Ross - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 3 months ago. Cause of Death: Brain cancer; Aged: 6 years old. --Details: Claire battled brain cancer for 4 years. She was dx. at 2 1/2 years old. I knew she would die after she relapsed in sept of 1996 but I always had hope. She was full of life and had a terrific sense of humor. For the last 8 days of her life we had Hospice. Hospice helped to coordinate care for Claire at home and she died where she wanted to be. Hospice made that possible for us. I cared for Claire, Hospice arranged for all that we needed for Claire to died at home. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: A transition to another life. Engery never dies. When Claire died I knew she was not there anymore but someplace else. With God. She is in my heart everyday. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I look at it as an observer not a participant --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I was in 3rd grade and a school mate die. I did not know her but me and my friends followed the class on our way home to a funeral palor that is around the corner from my house. We went in out of curisotiy. I found a young beautiful child lying in a coffin. I did not cry but was sad for her and her family. Two years later my grandmother died suddenly and I had a very hard time going to see her in the coffin. My mother's comment to me was, "if you could go see a stranger (referring to the child) then you could go see your grandmother!" --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Is the impact one life has on others. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: we will all die. we are all terminal. and that we need each other --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Is the life of my daughter. She was a gift from heaven. The six years of her life were lived to the fullest. She had a tremenous impact on everyone she came in contact with because she was so full of life. Her whole essenses was love and humor. She loved people. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: I had a couple of friends who not only anticipated things and acted on them but was there through out. They carried me when I could not walk myself. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Missing my daughters love and laughter and her life with me. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Take things upon yourself and just do them. The saying, let me know if I can do anything, is really just doing nothing. Sometimes it is so hard to ask and when someone just takes things in their own hands and just *does* Wow, what an impact --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: Claire died on a Tues., I did not cry until nightime when no one was around. The next day a friend took me around to buy Claire's dress and my other daughter's clothes for the wake on thurs. I was a complete mess. I was so nervous at before the wake. I was going through the motions. I wasn't going to wear make up, but then I thought and Claire always like to see me in full make(she was a real girly girl) and she would be upset if she ever saw me cry. So I put the make up on and vowed that I would not mess it up by crying because Claire wouldn't like that. When we went to the funereal home and saw how beautiful she look (oh, God she was so sick that last few weeks). I laughed and told stories of Claire and honored her with the gift of laughter that she gave me. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: I have no regrets. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: to be with my daughter, alone as she died. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I will never get over the death of Claire. I will live with it. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that so many people do not appreciate life and the gifts that we all have. Especially here in the US. People are so caught up in petty stupid things, it really makes me wonder. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could die --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I I did not hear about the death of my daughter, I was there. It was not unreal, but surreal. I had anticipated her death, and was relieved it was over and that she did not suffer as much as she could have. However, it hit me at night. I stay up all night crying. I have cried every night for the past four years. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: The medical community are people too. The organizations that they work for are business. How well they are depends on the top people who convey their attitude down. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: they are wonderful. They help me, to take care of Claire at home. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Catholic --Religious Affiliation: catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: My belief is that life is what you make of it. Sometime we do not have choices but many times we do. We have to use our gifts and help other people. I believe their is a divine spirit, (GOD) and he loves all people. I think alot of people create their own hell on earth. --Regarding MONEY: The wake, church, burial plot cost $10,000. This was not an extravagant funeral, just the price in my area. This does not include a headstone. I did not have life ins. so I had to pay out of my own pocket. I now know of things like mail order caskets, etc. however, when faced with a dying child, still clinging for any kind of hope, the thought of shopping around is really stomach turning, however the cost is so high, Hey I have other kids I have to raise too. --Regarding the FUNERAL: Many people came. People who really care and had been through the battle with me. What was sad, (I am divorced) my ex's family sat alone with no one going to them. But really no one knew them and they never were around. It was sad seeing them there all stiff and sad, crying. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: I knew I did everything I could to save my daughter's life. And when that was not possible, I help to make her comfortable. And then I let her go. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : concentrated urine. very strong odor. No urine when cath. coldness in the legs and arms. shallow breathing. Seeing people who are not there. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': Claire mention a couple of times about *who is that lady over there*. No one but me was there. It was very strange, but I knew someone was there, Claire did not recogized the lady, but she did see her. She was not on heavy meds at the time. --If we were to visit one last conversation... It would be like it was before she died. I would say I love you Claire, and she would say I love you mom. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I planted a beautiful garden at Claire's grave. I find peace tending to it. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? How well What Helped me most deal with death? Other: I have had a fear of death since my grandmother died. It was not until my six year old daughter died after a long battle with brain cancer had I been able to overcome death. I feel now that I have nothing to fear. I was with her when she died. I miss her now. But I know I will be with her someday What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos Because I had not have any experience with losing someone close to me at age 9, I feel that my mother's insenitivy helped to create a fear of death. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 18 08:57:14 1998 Anonymous Guest - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1yrs ago. Cause of Death: accident; Aged: 51. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Music What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Music ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jun 17 20:37:28 1998 M27 in New Philadelphia, Ohio =USA= Name: J.Miller,Jr. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Restaurant Manager - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: The Tao of Inner Peace - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 yr ago. Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 57. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: for some of us a beginning, and for some of us an end,but for me I'm not really sure which. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my step-grandfather died.I was quite young. At first there was no feelings at all, but the moment I saw the body in the casket I broke down. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: loss like I've never known. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I really learned how to give of myself. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my wife and having a baby girl just two months later.Also many long hikes and any time I can spend in silent meditation recollection or study. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: dealing with the doctors apparent indifference. Seeing people visit out of "duty". --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: only be there out genuine desire. There is no greater disrespect than humoring someone in their last days. If you didn't have time for someone while they were alive don't patronize them on their death bed --The most confusing point of death for me was when: when the doctor said that death was inevitable and would be soon and there was nothiing left to do but wait. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: I feel no regret. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could join him,but there is so much to live for. I learned how to live every moment to the fullest just like my dad did. I don't know it for a fact but I like to believe that my father's appreciation for life came from the death of his father, and that somehow he has bestowed or bequeathed this gift to me upon his passing --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cried hard and long but I also had a sense of relief since I had seen my father suffer for about a year. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: outrage. I have lost all faith in mainstream medicine. Several doctors told my father there was nothing that could be done. We turned to alternative methods, and my father survived eleven months past the prognosis of the "doctors". --Regarding HOSPICE etc: hospice, in my opinion, is the legalization of the work of Dr. Kervorkian. It concerns me that an organization that is in control at the end of a persons life is a part of Social Security. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: I tend to lean away from organized religion, although it seemed to provide relief or outlet for many in my family during this time I felt no need to look outside of my own mind for strength and comfort. --Religious Affiliation: I was raised in a Baptist church, attended a Christian school through graduation, and attended a year at a Christian college preparing for youth ministry. I am now an agnostic. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I feel and believe in spirit but I have no grasp on the concept. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jun 17 18:17:18 1998 M21 in Chicago, IL =usa= Email: <jcesari-at-luc.edu> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] on yahoo, searching for psych of religion homepages - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Psychology Student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 7 ago. Cause of Death: kidneys failing/old age; Aged: 80. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when our bodies can no longer function in a way which sustains our physical life. That is, at some point one's body no longer works in a way which allows our brain to continue functioning, and it stops. All bodily functions, including our own consciousness, stops. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I didn't really mind because I didn't understand it. --That first time, how it happened was My grandfather died; he had lived with our family for a number of years, and then moved into a nursing home when he began to need full-time care. A few years after the move, he died, mostly from natural causes, or "old age" as we were told. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how much it affected our family and the happiness of everyone in it. --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: to be realistic and rational about it. Death is the end of everything, and our culture should take our only life more seriously. When people begin to admit that nothing exists after death, it makes life more meaningful and important. It wakes people up and makes them try to better their life HERE, not waiting for some better life after death. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: it made our family stronger as it had to deal with a tragedy. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my (now defunct) belief in religion and an afterlife, a place in which my grandmother could go and be happy after death. That helped to take away some of the negative feelings. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more quality time with the person who died. --Religious Affiliation: current: Agnostic Atheist past: catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: like a lie. I think the thing that transcends cultures is not our spirit, but our inability to deal with the fact that one's consciousness and life can suddenly stop, utterly and completely. I think this fear within people is what unites them and their religions. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': there was none. --RE: Near Death Experiences: Nothing like that has ever happened to me. However, I think that it would be near-impossible to find someone who has had this experience that wasn't asleep, under the influence of drugs (medicinal or other), actually near-death (i.e., loss of oxygen to the brain), etc. --Any thoughts about your own death?: It has often been said that the only thing that is sure in life is that we all will die someday. That's definitely the truth--there's no stopping it, no avoiding it. And when death finally comes, you're screwed, simply put. You have no second chances, no afterlife, nothing. My thoughts on death make me realize how valuable my life, and everyone else's life, really is. It makes me appreciate every second I have and live this life to the fullest. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? -none- I was really too young to feel much sorrow from it; I didn't really understand. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jun 17 07:32:25 1998 Anonymous Guest - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4yrs ago. Cause of Death: Heart Attack; Aged: 72. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was 9 years old, and didn't know the person very well. I did become emotional. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my great grandmother died. I didn't even know her very well. I just knew she was grandpas mother. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: it was the first death in our family that really affected me. All my uncles and aunts were very emotional. I cryed when I viewed the body. I guess it didn't seem real. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 16 21:48:23 1998 Anonymous Guest Grand Junction, CO =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when our physical body dies. Our soul or spirit is released from the constraints of it's body, and roams all dimensions of existence. --That first time, how it happened was My friend's father died of a heart attack. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: it is not an end, but a continuance in a different form. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Other: I've never viewed death as negative or bad. Death is a relief from life. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 16 21:29:12 1998 F16 in Muskogee, Oklahoma =United States of America= Name: Amanda Email: <popqueen-at-intellex.com> Web: http://www.intellex.com/~popqueen/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Yahoo - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: High School Student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: God is good! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 7 months ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 17. --Details: His "note" said he loved his girlfriend (me) very much and that he'd miss me. His parents were having to sell the brand new car they bought him, he was failing English class, and his dog was very old and was going to be put to sleep. His brother and I went to the store and Mike didn't want to go. While we were gone he took a rifle out of his antique gun collection, loaded it, and put the gun in his mouth and killed himself. We (his brother and I) returned to their house to find police, ambulance, and neighbors surrounding a puddle of blood in his room along with his rifle and suicide note. I am still not over it. I still keep the "promise ring" that he gave to me a month before it happened (a promise ring is a ring to promise engagement later on). - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: Sometimes natural and sometimes not. Death is also a spiritual thing, as I think of it. When I die I know I'll go to Heaven to be with my Lord and Savior and personally I cannot wait to see Jesus so I'm actually looking forward to it. If you're not religious, sometimes, death can be scary and even if you ARE religious death can alos become scary but you have to think positive about it. Never take your death in your own hands. It's a very selfish thing to do because it hurts others so much more greater than a natural death would. Believe me...if my boyfriend died of a natural cause rather than suicide I wouldn't hurt so badly inside. Also, I'd be 100% sure that he's in a better place...but since I believe suicide is a sin against God, I'm not sure where he is right now. But I'm hoping to see him in Heaven someday soon! :) --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I wasn't very shocked because I knew he was dying in the first place. The only problem I had about his (my grandpa's) death was that I wasn't sure if he was a Christian or not or if he asked God's forgivness before he passed on. That's what makes me so sad because if I knew that he did ask forgiveness then I would KNOW he's in Heaven...but I DON'T know anything about where they are and that's what really gets to me. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My grandpa was dying of cancer and he just died. He was old so my other relatives and I took it quite well. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: that his head was recunstructed so good that he didn't even look like he did when I saw him on the floor dead. He was buried in his weight lifting t-shirt and with trophies that he got for weight lifting in high school. He would have graduated from High School in May of this year (1998). He was buried with a picture of him and his brother and also with the "promise ring" I had given to him when we traded. I remember how he felt the last time I got to touch his hand...it wasn't at all how he use to feel. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that his father wasn't a Christian and neither some of his friends. After his death, his father received Jesus as his savior as well as some of his other friends. They realized how Mike's death affected them and I think God uses people's death to reach out to some other people. Without Mike's death his dad and a few of his friends would not be Christians. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: I know this may seem weird, but I talk to Mike. I truely think he can hear me although I cannot hear him. I ask him to help me do stuff sometimes. Like the other day, me and some friends were bowling and I was REALLY embarrasing myself because I just CANNOT bowl. I silently looked at the bowling ball and asked Mike if he could help me roll it down the alley (because Mike was a VERY good bowler). All of the sudden I rolled it, without making a "gutter ball" and even made a strike! For the rest of the game Mike helped me bowl and I didn't make all strikes but I did make 113 points! :) That was pretty good compaired to the 30 something points I made in the first game. I think if you've lost a loved one you should talk to them and pretend that they're in the room with you...pretty soon you'll KNOW they're in the room with you because you'll see them do things through yourself and other things. It's really hard to describe but I do believe that they can hear you when you talk to them. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: that I had to wait until my death to actually see them again. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: if they aren't forgiven by God MAKE SURE that before they take their last breath that you tell them that they need God in their life, even though they don't have much of a life left. If you don't do this and you are a Christian it will always be in your conscience. Make sure that you ask them if they'd like you to pray with them for God to ask their forgiveness. And make sure they mean it sincerely. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: not go to the store and left Mike alone. Maybe he would have mentioned to me that he was thinking of suicide and I could have talked him out of it. But this all was God's will and whatever was his will goes and that's final! No matter what you may think you could have done, you couldn't have...and you SHOULDN'T HAVE!!! If death is God's will, let it be because God works in VERY mysterious ways and God's will is always, and I TRUELY mean ALWAYS, for the best of the better. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: sometimes when I remember anything about him I start bawling. It's something that you just cannot control no matter how hard you try. One time I was in the middle of a library, about 4 months after he died, working on the research paper we were working on together and I just started thinking about him...I had to go to the bathroom so that no one would see me crying so hard. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... If Mike was still living he'd be taking me out on a date tonight! :) Hehe --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I began to heal. At first I was like, "He's not dead...he just isn't...and that's final!" But after about two days, it hit me. I began to start crying and weeping. Normally, you'd think I'd start crying the first time I heard it...I was in a state of shock for two days and then I came out of it. Crying means healing...and therefore I was starting to heal. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: everything. My church and pastor and my youth group were SOOOO much there for me. Without any of them I would probably not have the positive views about Mike's death that I do have today. --Religious Affiliation: I am VERY religious and I trust, believe, and love God with all my heart. I am very active in church and I'm a Free Will Baptist. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: staying with the family at the funeral home that night before the funeral. They invited me to be with them inside Mike's room at the funeral home to say our "goodbyes" and to talk about him and to remember him in special ways. --If we were to visit one last conversation... Well, since I talk to him all the time there really isn't any particular thing that I haven't said to him yet. The only thing I wish is to hear him talk to me. I'd like to know what he's doing and I'd like to hear him tell me he loves me again...it's been so long but I don't feel that I don't know him anymore because I still know him. When people die, they're still alive, but they're just not on earth anymore...they're somewhere else but they're still alive...That little thought helps me alot. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I don't know when I'm going to die...all I know is that I'm completely ready for death. I can't wait until I get to see Jesus, Mike, my Grandpa, and George Washington! :) Hehe - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget I didn't know him as well as I should have so I wasn't too sad. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 16 15:05:17 1998 F25 in eau claire, wisconsin =usa= Name: kristen - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ] yahoo-psyc. studies - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: teacher - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 month ago. Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 79. --Details: My Grandpa was a healthy man who was very ative in the community with his wife. He went outside to mow the lawn and had a heart attack. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a passing of a person into a safe and beautiful place. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: crying for a week and finally getting my happy thought --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: how to cope better with death. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: knowing Grandpa affected hundreds of people. He was the most generous man I will ever know. He gave so much of himself to his wife, family, friends, and the kids he worked with. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: figuring out how to let go, and seeing Grandma for the first time after Grandpa's death. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: sometimes laughter comes at the stranges times as a way to cope. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say good-bye. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: have Grandpa at my wedding. I am the only one of the 5 grandchildren who will have that wonderful privelege. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I hear certain songs, read certain poems, it rains. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I haven't reached that point yet. --Religious Affiliation: Lutheran --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I looked out of my window the night Grandpa died. It was the middle of a thunderstorm. I cried and said good bye. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time crying and remembering the good times What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 16 10:19:41 1998 F36 in Mansfield, CT =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GirlFriend, 10 yrs ago. Cause of Death: stabbing; Aged: 26. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: mysterious. It is an end to all conscious life, but it can't be known if we remain alive in another form, other than the physical beings we relate to daily. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I freaked out. I was eight and was told that my uncle would like to "see" me one more time. Being a child, I was unsure just what I was about to view. Upon viewing the empty shell that was once my dear uncle, I ran into the ladies room, and locked the door. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I was eight years old, and my favorite uncle died from cancer. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how truly fragile life is. My friend was killed at the age of 26, a strong, active member of society. She was, probably, the kindest person I have ever known. She was very soft-spoken and easy going. The old saying, "only the good die young" rang over and over in my head when I learned of her death. The fact that it was a brutal killing made me feel as if there should have been some way I, or someone else, could have prevented it. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my friends. We all "hung out" as a group. I was not the only person who would miss my friend. She was OUR friend, and we all knew what she had meant to us. The bond we shared strengthened and we, perhaps, spread ourselves a little thinner, in a manner of speaking, to fill the void that was left after her death. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: she was my friend. She was not an aunt or an uncle or someone that, as much as I may love them, you are born into each others lives. She was my friend; someone I CHOSE to love. She was someone with whom I had bonded and shared a special relationship. --[My GirlFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: think of her often. I don't try to bury the deep feelings of loss I still feel. I visit her grave and talk to her, I give her updates on what everyone in our "group" is doing with their lives. I believe that her soul is somewhere else. I don't know where, but I know that what she had was too strong to just die. I hope, that when I "talk" to her, I somehow connect with her soul. I know she is not lying there under her headstone listening to me, but it helps me to do this. This is as close as I can physically get to her, now. I take what I can get. I do this for me. In a strange way, it helps. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I ask myself what the threshold between life and death is. How does it feel to "cross over". I cannot fathom the transition. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more time with her. As I said, she was so GOOD. I wish I could have learned more from her. I think perhaps, in retrospect, many people feel the person who has gone was some sort of saint. I am certain, I am not canonizing her. She was sweet and kind to everyone she met. I always see the glass as half empty, whereas she saw it half full. Her optimism was contagious when I was with her. As a testament to her good nature; at her funeral the church was overflowing...people attended the service from the sidewalks. Many people loved her. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: lean on my friends, and realize I was not the only one who felt cheated and empty. We were (and still are) a strong network of friends. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I think we would still be great friends, but I think we would have drifted into more separate lives. We would be in touch but would have moved on, our relationship changed, but the bond still strong. If/when I need an honest opinion or a good heart to appeal to, it might still be hers that first comes to mind. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could go back in time and intervene. What happened to her should not have happened. If she would have reached out to someone, and let them know that things had gotten so out of control, things might be different now. She was strong, and wanted to work things out on her own and would not give in or settle for less than what she thought things should/could be. She stood strong, and eventually fell, because of her belief that things would turn out well, if she worked hard enough to make it happpen. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I became very angry. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: NOTHING. At that point in my life I felt very let down. I thought: how could God take her from us at such a young age, when she was just making her mark on the world and could set such a good example for us all. Later, I came to terms with it by thinking: God wanted her back, or needed her somewhere else. I learned to appreciate the time I did have with her in my life. --Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic --The weirdest part of it all to me was: the feeling that she wasn't really gone. I still feel that way now, after ten years. I don't think of it as denial. I no longer feel angry, now I tend to smile when I think of her and I almost want to call her on the phone....even today. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I do not fear death. I am very curious. I am not ready, at this point, to find out about it, but who is ever ready? Not many. There are times when life is so cruel or unfair or just plain hard, that I feel, truly, I would welcome death. But that is only reactionary. I don't dread it or think of it as being a bad thing. I would only hope people who are close to me aren't "hurt" or affected too deeply by my passing. In the case that I have alluded to throughout this questionnaire, I think alot of people were hurt and very deeply affected because the death was due to a brutal murder of a young woman with so much promise. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: As difficult as I thought it would be, I was able to be strong for the people close to me. As crushed as my heart was by the whole affair, when my friends were at their lowest, they knew they could turn to and lean on me. It is like the stories you hear of super human strength due to adrenalin flow or such, you muster what you need at the times you need it, whether for yourself or for others. As deep as I felt I was sinking, I still was able to keep myself afloat for anyone who needed me. I don't know how, it just went that way. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It is almost a cleansing feeling. As if I was able to speak with a counselor on the matter. I don't know that I really need the feedback a counselor would offer, I just need to get it out...to vent to someone other than those directly affected by the death. I realize now, that although I may be more forgiving at this point towards an awful wrong that was done, I still feel the pain very deeply. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jun 15 12:35:19 1998 F56 in Buena, Vista, TN. =USA= Email: <denniss-at-iswt> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: caregiver - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: If I can help anyone with getting to understanding whats at the end of this hard road. Write me denniss-at-iswt> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 3 years ago. Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 53. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The loss of a arm or leg. the feeling your heart is broken in two. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I I wanted to die too --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...grandparent old age --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The feeling of going on without him could I make it alone and the anger of not knowing this was going to happen --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: not as bad as people think they do live on on the other side --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: The feeling of him around me helping to get me through his passing --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Being alone to remember --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: I found him minutes after the accident --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: They are not alone --[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Made it even tho I didn't want too --The most confusing point of death for me was when: The hospital hearing the doctor tell me he was gone The word ran over and over he's gone Where? Where?? I though't at that moment I entered a world I didnt know was there. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I didn't feel this only when I could do something that I didnt' think I could do I would smile and ask him if he was proud of me. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: To talk to him and understand if he knew this was comming I feel he did and I didnt press for his feeling. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Go on with my life and learn more about where he is. And that the soul goes on doing better things than it did here. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: Still feeling him near to me when I felt alone --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: How much I greived and for how long. I will always think of him never letting go of the closeness we had together --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I see, hear, or remember the fun in life we had together. I have that same haunting feeling I dont want to be here without him. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I may have had a better chance of talking and seeing him on the other side.When the time to part came. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... Why me why us We had somany dreams in life and a happiness I had never had before. I wanted to finish out our dreams but he was finished here and it was time for him to go home. His work with me was finished for him or me I dont know? --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Go with him and forget the heartache that I have but I know only God can make that possible --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I Wanted to die then --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: They were not able to help him he was gone before they arrived he had only me there and I could do nothing to help him. This made me feel so helpless for the first time together I could'nt help him. The doctor said due to his injury he would have been a Veg. This he nor I could have gotten threw. So see God did his best and took him home so he or I didn't have to suffer that pain in life. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Nothing at that time only my love of god and knowing God does whats best for us in our lifes. --Religious Affiliation: Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: Were all one belonging to God. --Regarding MONEY: Not inportant we never had it so it ment nothing --Regarding the FUNERAL: It was a time I have not many memories of where, Who and what was going on was not inportant to me just that I give he a nice place to rest. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: Learning about how to accept it. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: This accident I'm sure didn't change or affect me any different that if he'd been ill for a while. I'ts never easy --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I had a dream of him dying and awoke crying and made him promise me he would'nt go first. He laught'h and said I cant promise that honey but ok. Two weeks befor his accident he seemed he knew something was comming .He called me outside and said I've been such a lucky man god has given me all I asked for at one time Look at the trees and all the beauty we have to look at. He never belived the way I did about the afterlife. But 48hrs before his death he said 'You know all that stuff you belive in I think there's something to it. " This is why I beleive he had seen a spirit or god told him he was going home. He also that week talked of death of a grandparent to his 8 year old grandaughter. Telling her grampa or grama may leave and go to heaven. And she would have to be strong. --RE: Near Death Experiences: Yes I beleive he's near about two weeks afer his death I was crying one night when a green mist or haze appeared avor my head I felt it was him I put my hand up into the green light and felt very peaceful and felt near to him. We have many strange pictures with white clouds , appearing in them. Rays of rainbows when we take pictures at the grave. a feeling of him near. This has changed my outlook on death. We all must wait our turn to return home but I'm sure we will be with our love ones once again. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: My life is full and as happy as I can be thanks to his help from the otherside. --If we were to visit one last conversation... To thank him for all the love, support , and happiness he gave to me in my lifetime on this earth. To let him know what a good job he did helping me to be a stronger person who may be able to help others who are in the same situation I was. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I hope they remember what I tried to convey which is LOVE ONE ANOTHER with your whole heart forever. This is the main lesson God wants us to know. If we love God and all the people we meet. In time the world would be just as wonderful as heaven. Andd the word death would loose it dark feeling.God takes care of evevything and everyone. --Any thoughts about your own death?: Yes when I hear of others my mind goes to the hurt the loved ones will feel. This is a part of gods lesson to. To let us love and be loved and to remember forever the lessons we learned. I dont fear my death I pray for the day when I can go to the other side and learn more about GOD,and the Wonderful place where LOVE is the main topic forever. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Writing in a diary every day for the first six months helped me a lot. And slow dancing in my living room to our songs. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? Yes life goes on when they leave but I know there with us helping us everyday to make our lives better and happy. Wanting the best for us until we return home. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I try to help all I can with dealing with this but my words may help some but theloving God we all know can do more than anyone of us. Tell a person to ask God for the help they need. He can heal and make us understand all the lessons in life. He has the ans. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Sitting here typing I have a better understanding of my feeling on this subject That I guess I never sat down to think about But I feel I've come a long way in the past three years. And understand more of what death is about. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? I've enjoyed this very much and your doing a great job to help others understand What death holds for each and everyone of us Thanks again and God bless and keep you. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jun 14 20:49:19 1998 M51 in San Diego, CA =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: M.A., Human Behavior - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Awakening the Buddha Within Recommended Reading-- Writers: Carlos Casteneda, Pema Chodrom, Surya Das - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), 2 yrs ago. Cause of Death: Father-in-law, COPD; Aged: 85. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: In my culture, not necessarily so for all humans, death is greatly feared, even amongst the religious who believe in an afterlife. My sense of what underlies this is that we fear both the anticipated (or witnessed) pain and the lack of knowing what happens. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I ignored it. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my nephew was playing with matches. He attempted to put out the matches with foam from the couch. The smoke alarm was disabled because it kept going off--too close to the kitchen. The kids were latch-key because my sister is divorced and works nights. The eldest child was staying with my mother, because she needed a break from being reponsible. The ensuing fire killed my ten-year-old niece. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: My father-in-law's fear of dying. To aid both him and me, I did meditations where I told him it was time to leave this earth (his needs were wearing his wife out)and told him not to be fearful. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: Fear of death is one of the great gifts for developing awareness. It is the fear that causes the greatest suffering --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Making peace with my father about five years before he died. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: From books, I learned to meditate and to face death directly. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: The suffering of my mother-in-law and my wife. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Listen lots and speak little. Be present. --[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Father-in-Law: breathe in the pain, and anxiety, and fear. Breathe out freedom, confidence, and fearlessness. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: In early adulthood, I visited a co-worker who had just been told she had incurable cancer. She was crying out and I did not know how to help her. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: My mother-in-law, my wife, and I had a few asides at the funeral. We had to be sensitive to my mother-in-law, because she was moving between laughter and defensiveness. It came off well, though, and she got some peace from honoring her husband. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: do meditation for my father. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: My uncle died recently of incurable cancer. His father died also of cancer, but was allowed to be in pain for fear of addicting him to morphine. Through hospice, my uncle was given enough morphine to relieve his pain, which ultimately resulted in respiratory suppression and a very slightly earlier death than from natural causes. I am grateful that the medical profession recognizes the need to relieve the pain. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: Funerals! --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was grateful that I had faced my own death. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: Back to the issue of pain--relieve it! --Regarding HOSPICE etc: Very positive for my uncle. --Regarding the FUNERAL: I've only been to one, despite all the deaths. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Transparency, declining health, multiple hospitalizations --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: Paying attention through the process is most important. --RE: Near Death Experiences: I've faced my death in a number of situations, but haven' had a near-death experience. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Living will, Living Trust, attention to the suffering of the living. --Any thoughts about your own death?: If I knew I was dying soon, I would attempt to face it directly and be present with any feelings I had. As it is, we are all in the process of dying/living constantly, and I try to face that even now. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I still meditate, occasionally I meditate on dying. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life How'd I do? Adequate Facing death in the military and Carlos Casteneda's books, i.e., Don Juan's injunction that death is over your shoulder all the time. Later did buddhist-based meditation on impermanence. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Tonglen meditation was very helpful. Were I dying now, I might ask someone from a Buddhist hospice to help me. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jun 14 18:31:14 1998 F27 in Lafayette, LA =USA= Email: <Blithe25-at-aol.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Mending The Torn Fabric Recommended Reading-- Writers: Dr. Sarah Brabant - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 12 ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 18. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The person dies.....quits breathing...never does anything again. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I cried because everyone else was crying...quit crying relatiely quickly and rarely cry after anyone's death now. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my maternal grandmother died when i was 7- my parents received a phone call and my siblings and i were sent to stay with friends for the first night. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the pain --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: there is no such thing as "it's easier with time" --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: realizing that i will never be able to see, touch, or talk to them again. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: clear up harbored feelings between me and my ex before he died. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: maintain a close relationship with his family --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: my grandfather's body was taken to the church in which he worshiped --Religious Affiliation: baptist - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 13 16:14:59 1998 M20 in , ny =usa= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6yrs ago. Cause of Death: old age; Aged: unkn. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I didn't know what to think --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my step cousin died of a heart attack at a very young age --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: sitting by the grave --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: religion doesn't help. it give false hope --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: thier live --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: me --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: letting go --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: love them --[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: learned from him --The most confusing point of death for me was when: i accepted --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: know him better --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: go to the funeral --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: i sat at the grave after everyone left --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: religous funeral --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: know i'll have to go through it again --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... not much --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... he didn't deserve it --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I tried to deal with it --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing --Religious Affiliation: athiest --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: memory is the spirit. when the memory dies so does the spirit --Regarding the FUNERAL: i didn't know anyone --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: play with legos - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System legos What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 13 14:22:04 1998 F17 in southampton, =england= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] yahoo browsing - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 7 ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: about 70. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a human leaving the earth to go some where else and we would never see them again --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I couldn't belive it and i was very upset --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandad died of cancer --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: people being quiet or laughing about the funny things they did then ending up crying --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: memories --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: myself, grieving alone --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: them not being there it seemed weird --[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: should spend as much time as possible with them --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more time with them - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 12 19:26:04 1998 F32 in Barrie, ontario =canada= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Real estate sales person - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: life after death - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 days ago. Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 58. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: moving on to a better place. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was not afraid but curious. I felt a lot of peace around the decise --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...y grand mother died --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the viewing, --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the end of sufferance --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: walks out in nature, movies and book --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the feeling of loss. Never had a last chance to say good by before it happen --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: old their hands and talk to them. Tell him/her every thing you need to say. It is now or never. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I was so much in pain. the laugh was nothing more than pain inside of me trying to get out. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: be there when it happen --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I see someone looking just like him or talk like him. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could talk to him. Know that he is alright where ever he is. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was upset, not having the chance to be with him one last time. I didn't have the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him --Religious Affiliation: roman Catholic --Regarding MONEY: there was a shortage. I wish I could have bough him the best money can buy. --Regarding the FUNERAL: All the people that came. Many of whom I would have never taught they would come. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: seeing him in his coffin. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : frequent phone calls, surprise visits, more kind, --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: you got to live it one day at the time and aloud your feeling to come true. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': none what so ever --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would want to know if he is with my mother and if they made peace. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I think once you past away, your love one should decide what to do with your remain. After all there the one staying behind so let it be in their way. Their wishes should be my wishes. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I am not scare of dying, however I would not like the idea of dying now because I feel I haven't accomplish every thing yet. It would be too soon for me. I think I'll know when my time will be up. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: seeing movies about death, reading books, talking with friends... - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - good, it help take some stress out of the minds ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 12 18:57:17 1998 F29 in Brooklyn, New York =usa= Name: Laura Mansbach Email: <Foofer53-at-aol.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: homemaker - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: Post is fine but leave out names...e-mail is also fine - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 years ago. Cause of Death: scleraderma; Aged: 53. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: leaving this earth and life as we know it --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was curious and cryed a lot too --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My grandmother died, then my grandfather died 6 months later --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: unfortunately it was the debilitating nature of the disease which caused the death. But watching the actual process of dying is calming and beautiful --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: There is nothing to fear --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I have no guilt, was there for my mother until the end...Death taught me to enjoy life --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: just thinking about it on my own and being able to discuss my feelings with my husband when I needed to --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Never being able to see my mother again or have a conversation --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Just being there, there is nothing else you could do but let that person know that you are there and you love them --[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Have learned to enjoy the moment, live in the now, am greatful for my happiness and enjoy the little things in life..especially that family is the most important part of our lives and our relationships --The most confusing point of death for me was when: The hospital and doctors hwo use death as a business & Coming to terms with the fact that I will never see that person who died again --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I still laugh when I think about it and its all okay...there was nothing wrong with laughing even though it was an odd moment --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: I have no feelings of changing anything, unless I had the power to end all disease --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Be there until the end --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: Something reminds me of the long ordeal or I miss my mother..I think it will always be this way and there's nothing wrong with missing her --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... i would have a lot less realizations about life, I would not have grown so much as a person --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... I will never see her again --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could cry without getting a headache --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I understood that dying is a part of life and that my mother no longer had pain, she was freed, it was us...the ones she left behind who were left to suffer --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: General disgust...If a doctor doesn't know something, he should say so, if he cannot help he should let the patient go home to die & If they know the patient is going to die they sould not give false reassurance --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Not a lot --Religious Affiliation: Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: very true...I actually saw peace transcend over my mothers face as her spirit left her body --Regarding MONEY: Doctors and hospitals are only out for money and business, if that weren't the case a lot of un-needed proceedures would not have been performed --Regarding the FUNERAL: it was nice and right...appropriate that we said goodbye and all got together in memory --The weirdest part of it all to me was: The way I freed myself from the unimportant stresses of life --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : an unwillingness to go on any longer --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: everyone is different and everyone goes through what is right for themselves --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': my mother had many conversations with God --RE: Near Death Experiences: the other side for me was calm and peaceful..was left with an overwhelming sense that it was all okay and there was nothing to fear --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I have no unresolved issues...everthing that transpired in my realtionship with my mother happened for a reason and I would not change any of it..I also had the oppurtunity to allow my mother to leave knowing the same thing and that I loved her always --If we were to visit one last conversation... I'd just like to say hi to her and talk like we always used to about whatever --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Not to leave decisions of "pulling the plug" on people who dearly love you and are emotionally involved in the situation...Your rights and wishes should be discussed when you are healthy and put into a will --Any thoughts about your own death?: If i remain living my life to its fullest as I have been since the death of my mother I believe that I will have no worries or fears --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: talking to loved ones mostly...never rejecting my feelings and trying to remember still the good times and what I have learned --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I have changed significantly mostly in the area of realizing whats important and was is just bullshit - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness too young to really understand --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: For myself I had to help a lot of family members through the ordeal..talking and crying anytime of the day or night - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - its always useful to contemplate where I am with this issue ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 12 12:46:09 1998 F45 in Windhoek, Namibia =Africa= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...Came home from school - my granny was dead. All the relatives had congregated - drinking tea etc. I git sent out to buy cotton wool and elastoplast. I guessed that she had died. No-one told me until I asked directly - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold faith maybe? What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities Lack of opportunity to share ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 12 11:50:37 1998 F26 in charlotte, nc =us= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 7 yrs ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 21. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: physically, spiritually and emotionally necessary for life. Through death, rebirth occurs. New life always comes. We can only grow spiritually and emotionally in bad times like this, if we choose to take the route and face them. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was 5 years old. --That first time, how it happened was I was 5 years old when my parents and I travelled from Europe to come live in America with my relatives until we got settled. It was quite a large group of people under the roof. I remember one day my mother got a phone call from home that her father, old and ill, had just died. All of a sudden she was surrounded by everyone in the house. They were all crying, especially my mother, and even though I knew who my grandfather was and I did love him, I didn't know how to react. To this day I don't know why I did what I did, but out of fear and confusion to the display of emotion around me, I started laughing. I suppose people do that when they're nervous, and I'm sure that I was. It was so weird standing there laughing and being thrown these bad looks by the adults. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The second death that I experienced was that of my boyfriend when I was 19 years old. I was suicidal myself before his death because he brainwashed me into thinking that he and I would be better off in another place. The effect of his death wasn't as horrible as the ramifications of being suicidal after he died. It pains me so much to think of the hell I put my parents through who wanted nothing more than the experience to never have occured at all which resulted in pain for all of us. --What I think my (us) culture needs to better learn about death is: that you grow from it!!!!!!!!! It is horrible, yes, and it hurts more than anything I can imagine on earth, but one of the reasons that it happens is so that we can evolve to being stronger emotionally. Catastrophes teach you things about yourself, those around you and more importantly, the big picture. Within the big picture of our existance, our pain, no matter how huge, shrinks in reality of the enormous planet we live on and the fact that life goes on for its population. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that 2 angels surfaced in my life. These angels came about everytime that I tried to kill myself after my boyfriend's death. This little voice, that wasn't mine, kept telling me that it wasn't time to go. A year later, I met my future husband and the other of the 2 angels who were with him as he was growing up as well. I never in a million years would have believed the joy and happiness that I would be granted after experiencing the hell and morbidity that I did. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my loving parents whom I love for caring about me so much, my husband, and my angels. I am blessed and I know that I was meant to live, and not die early. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: being brainwashed to think that I deserved to die too. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it's never happened to me!? --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: meet my soul mate husband. His love and support were the therapy that I needed and he's half the reason I'm alive today. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: the supernatural messages I received from my late boyfriend and my angels. Rainbows during thunder storms, beautiful sunsets in my backyard and mental messages of encouragement and love. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I'm typing this. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I still dream it to this day. Trey died because he was supposed to. His soul is recovering from his mistakes. I needed to learn from his experience and mine together. And through it all was my reward, Calvin, my husband. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... but life isn't fair. If you deal with pain and force yourself to grow from it, you will have less of it. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I realized that I was alone. I didn't have my boyfriend around to brainwash me anymore. It took years to realize that I wasn't alone, I was free. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: (laughing) I had no medical community help. I needed anti-depressants in a bad way and the shitty doctors that were on my parents' insurance plan never let me have anything. They all suggested crap like group therapy. I wasn't an alocoholic, I was suicidal and my problems were very personal and very painful. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: correct. Religion doesn't matter and it is not the last word. Personal experiences, perhaps spiritual are just that, personal. Some people might need the organization and rules of religion, but it helps so much more when you transcend all that and learn on your own, finding your own help from within yourself. --Regarding the FUNERAL: not being regarded as the girlfriend whose boyfriend died. Trey's family was rich and didn't appreciate the fact that I and my parents weren't. It was such a weird time. I was there to grieve and the guests of the parents were there to exchange business cards and joke a little. --RE: Near Death Experiences: In one of my suicide attempts, I had just swallowed sleeping pills that I had bought from a drugstore. I didn't know that those things were packaged in doses that make it nearly impossible to overdose and I wasn't quick enough to think that I could have taken more than one package. Perhaps it was fate, not ignorance! So I'm sitting in my car at the top level of a parking deck waiting for something to happen. I'm lying down gazing out of the window at the sky admiring the beauty of the big white clouds. The pills don't take long to work and pretty soon I can't move my body. I can't even move a finger. I keep staring at the clouds and it's as if I was traveling towards them and they didn't seem so far. It wasn't a OBE, because it was visual what I felt, not physical. From behind the clouds I could "see" people that were somehow connected to me. I "felt" like they were relatives even though I'd never met them. They were all old and they were telling me not to come to them. They were the ones who sent me back to my car and all of a sudden I was hit with the reality of what I had done. I managed to turn my head to the parking lot around me actually wishing for a soul to find and help me. No one did, but with some "outside" help, I drove home and slept off the pills. That was my last suicide attempt =). My husband had a beautiful experience with his late grandfather in a dream. It was many years after his death and time enough for my husband to reach the maturity level to start thinking about his grandfather in terms other than a 5 year old's, which is how old he was when his grandfather died. He was missing him and wishing that his grandfather could have lived a little longer for my husband to know better. In the dream he was walking towards his grandfather's house and noticed that his grandfather was sitting on the porch in a rocking chair. This made my husband happy and he started walking towards him. When he got close, his grandfather stopped rocking and held up his hand and said, No son. Don't come up here. It's not time yet. It brings tears to my eyes to still recall that dream of his, because he at least was granted this exchange with his beloved grandfather from childhood. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I know that Trey has since grown from his mistakes when he was alive. I can feel him sometimes. My angels don't let him come too close to me and they definately prevented him from contacting me after he died. But my feeling is that he's a different person, not like the rebellious teenager that I once shared my life with. He's wiser and regretful of the pain that he put me through during his life and after his death. It's just a faint feeling that I get that always make me a little happy because I know he experiences the happiness that I now have with my husband in our life together. --If we were to visit one last conversation... Trey tells me the opposite of what he used to. All he ever wanted was for us to be happy, even though it was somewhere else together. He feels my happiness and knows that, in his own words, my husband Calvin is "exceptional". This acceptance from him, and admittance that the pain that he put me through was wrong and not deserved does a lot of good for me. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I welcome it because I know that it will come at a time when I've had children and they've had children and my husband and I will have been together for ages =). I will be happy and pleased at the outcome of my life and will be ready to move on to the next level. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? How well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness I'm not sure that I dealt with it. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: If Trey's parents would have forgotten the meaningless economical boundaries between them and my family, we could have all properly grieved together. For years I wanted to show up at their doorstep and used to wish that they'd throw their arms around me in acceptance and love. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Still painful to think about and am glad that I'm near the end of it. As the years pass and I'm reminded of Trey, I'm also reminded of the big picture and how fortunate I am to have parents who love me, a husband whom I've shared many past lives with, and only a promising and beautiful life ahead. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 11 23:09:07 1998 F15 in forsyth, ga =monroe= Name: monica - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 yrs ago. Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 56. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: usually a normal part of living, only the opposite of birth. we are taken from the world, only not in the literal definition of it. our body, like some sort of outer shell, contains what we call a soul. this refers to a life essence, it hasn't really been explained so far but all living things are believed to possess one. when we are killed, this releases the soul. i'm uncertain as to what occurs afterwards. themost common belief is that there is a good place to go, and a bad one. a reward for living as one should according to religion, and punishment for a corrupt life. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was unsure how to act. i was confused. first of all, i felt guilt for not crying, though i did my best to. overall, i just felt alot of curiousity over the precedings and ceremony. i was actually alittle detached from the funeral. i enjoyed studying the different ways people expressed their grief, how their appearence changed when they wept. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...it was my mother's grandfather. i didn't know him well. he was just always that weird paralyzed old man who never moved or spoke. he was in a hospital bed near the kitchen when i visited. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how white my grandmother was in the casket. i remember all of the female relatives remarking about how life like she looked, and how happy. also the immense pain on my mother's face, and i wished i could make all of those people stop hugging her and shaking her hand and telling her how sorry they all were. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: faith is not neccessarily salvation. if there is a truly good person who loves and is kind and generous in all respects, i do not believe God, Allah, or whatever higher power there is would turn him/her away. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: music and myself. music helps immensely. it has the power to grab you and take you someplace else, away from what might hurt. i prise my ability to retreat inward, and ican go wherever i want. if i am where i do not want to be, and i can't depart physically, then i will myself elsewhere mentally. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: give more to them in life. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cried as much as i could for a day. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out led zeppelin and vampire movies What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt family crying around me ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 11 21:20:14 1998 F49 in ELlenton, Georgia =USA= Name: Paula Hutchinson Email: <pauladianne-at-webtv.net> Web: http://WWW.expage.com/page/pauladianne - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] I came in on a Vahoo link - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Marketing - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: My daughter is Downs-Syndrom and she has watched as both grandmothers, one grandfather, uncles and others have been taken. She had a pretty good handle on it, She says that they were put in a box, taken to church and are now in Heaven with Granddaddy. If it were so simple??? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Life after Death Recommended Reading-- Writers: Billy Graham - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 months ago. Cause of Death: old age and CHF; Aged: 80. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: only a deep sleep and we will be awaken when Jesus returns --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I I have experienced quite a few deaths but the two that have caused the most pain was my parents. My Dad, a Minister, died of cancer at the age of 53. I was very close to him as all of the children were, we were told to let him die with diginity, and to me that meant not to grieve, BIG MISTAKE, a year after his death I went to pieces and destroyed everything in my house. Needless to say I had to see a theropist. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...a great aunt or uncle passed over and I was taken to the wake and funeral.A cousin was killed in an auto accident, I only remember the family crying. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: At MOM'S FUNERAL THERE WAS NO MUSIC.There was no Minister, my brother took over the service. I can see her in the most peaceful sleep that I know that she has had for a long time. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: I don't know if there is anything left to discover about death. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I prayed every nigt that the Lord would help Mom to be comfortable and not be alone and my prayers were answered. Not exactally as I wanted but probably the best way. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My belief in God. That someday I will be reunited with both my parents. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Dad has been dead 20 years and Mom just 4 months, but I just can't seem to put it all behind me. I miss them terriblly. What ever idiot that said time soothes the pain didn't love the one they lost. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: As mom died all her children held on to some part of her body. We wanted her to know that we were there and that we loved her . --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I never understood why they could not save her. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: We were lucky, we never left the house without hugging and kissing my parents and saying the all important"I LOVE YOU" --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that Dad, who worked so hard, lived to be only 53. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could close my eyes and make it all go away. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I I am not sure that I have accepted their death. I wake up at night and can;t wait to call them and rell them something that was on my mind. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: confusion --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Faith was everything --Religious Affiliation: Baptisi --Regarding MONEY: it was unimportant --Regarding the FUNERAL: We were unable to reach all the newspapers that we should have to let people know. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: People just didn't seem to care. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: Altho I miss them so bad, I was willing to give them up for Heaven. --RE: Near Death Experiences: In 1979 as I was cooking dinner I had a tremendous pain that hit the left side of my head with such force that I was thrown onto the floor. My husband was immediatelly ready to help me up and onto the chair, but I just wanted to go outside. I sit on the picnic with this terrible pain and feeling of helplessness. We did not have a phone and I was babysitting for my sisters, while they and MOm was shopping. When they returned to get the children I ran to the car and told them that something really bad had happened. They went home and was back at my house within 30 minutes to tell me that my favorite aunt had been in a car wreck. The coffin was closed because the left side of her face had so much damage. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I didn't have anything to resolve, they knew how much I loved them and I knew that they loved me. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I don't know that it would help, when they went away again the old pain would just be renewed. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: We signed the paper for mom to be taken off lifesupport. Four children 2 in-laws, and all the grandchildren. We knew her wishes. It would have been wrong to keep her alive by machine when we knew that it was not what she wanted. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I would certainly hope that I would be ready for that last journey. I am worried about my downs-syndrom daughter and how she would be taken care of. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I try to remember all the good times, I suppose that I really live in the past to much. I have told my daughter so much about her granddaddy that she says she feels like she knows him - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Other: At that time I was to young to understand What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other: my age --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I really needed someone to understand and just let me have a good old selfish cry. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - to many memories came flooding in. I wish I had not started the questionnaire but I am glad that I finished it. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 11 11:29:24 1998 M17 in Zagreb, =Croatia= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] searching for details about loftus's eyewitness testimony study for school project - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: student (International Baccalaureate, 11th grade) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: sometimes a painful termination of life, that is, of existence, and for some a transition to another level of existence (a final eternal reward or punishment; or to a new life). It is the essence of linear existence, which all of us are accustomed to. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I never. --That first time, how it happened was I was flying and the plane started to shake and the lights were going on and off and i really didn't care. I thought i was going to die but i really didn't get scared. Probably if it happened now i would get freaked out but i dont know --What I think my (Croatia) culture needs to better learn about death is: That we shouldn't care that much about the burying rituals because when we die we are just empty shells. All this stuff about "lying next to me..." is, i think, just ridiculous. You're dead, for God's sake!!! --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: That we shouldn't show how much we are depressed and hit by the sooncoming death of the person. The person must think that dying is not so bad etc. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I dunno, but I think i would feel terrible and a bit guilty because of what i'd have done. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... maybe --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could live forever OR die so i would know if there is an afterlife or a God or something --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: I believe in God, but not in the Church. I believe in a force that governs our lives and death and i also believe in reincarnation into a higher being or a human again (depending on this life's actions). --Religious Affiliation: Used to be Catholic but changed my mind. Explained up. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: Explained up. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : i don't know. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I believe all of those VISITATIONS are actually in the head of the beholder. As for the dream visitations, Freud can explain this easily. --RE: Near Death Experiences: i once had a precognitive dream. My mother once had a neardeath experience whan she was in a hospital. She went out of her body and sow a light. That's all. I believe many things like that are actually induced by drug use in hospitals. --Any thoughts about your own death?: i don't care about death. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? -none- What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - interesting. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 11 02:05:00 1998 F43 in Courtenay, British Columbia =Canada= Name: Jeanette Holder Email: <jholder-at-island.net> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Facilitator - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 68. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when the spirit, the special part of us that makes us who we are, seperates from our body. The spirit continues to lives but the body dies and is no longer needed. Our spirit is energy and continues to live. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was with my sisters and brother, at our mom's bedside. I was the last to arrive (from the other side of the country) and had not seen her for some months. I had nursed her for a week, after surgery, 3 months previous when we all thought she would recover. She knew me and was glad I had come, but could no longer speak. We dind't talk about her dying, but we held her, and cried. Dad couldn't come to see her any more, he didn't want to see her so wasted. But they spent special time together on his last visit and my sisters said it was very beautiful. Mom would look at him as if studying him, drinking him in, never to forget how he looked. On her last day we asked a woman who did healing touch to come in again and show us how to do this for mom. It helped calm her. She encouraged us to tell her it was okay to go. After she left I talked to mom and assured her we would look after dad and help him with his finances. I told her it was okay to go now. I continued to do thearaputic touch and about an hour later her breathing changed and become very diffecult. Two of my sisters had to leave. About a half hour later I felt she was close to going, so I called them in. We encouraged her to go to God, it was her time. She let her breath out, and died. I closed her eyes and we cried. Later, we held hands and my oldest sister said a prayer. She and I stayed until mom was cold and then allowed the physican in to pronounce death. I used thearaputic tough to feel the energy as it left mom's body. It felt like a good death. We have been able to talk more openly about her death since. Now my daughter (22yrs) is dying and they are open to talking about it. They wouldn't have been comfortable about it before mom's death. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...A girl our age died and she had no family or friends to go to the funeral home. Our school asked if we would go and visit, to show our respect, and that people cared that she had died. At first I thought you meant any death experience. My very first was finding a dead bird. I buried it in the back garden and put a cross over it. I was very young. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how beautiful it was. This is not to say everything went well. The nurses could have been better, the pain medication on time, and increased when requested. How my family was there for each other. --What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is: To talk openly about it. It is part of life, like birth and not something to be feared. We need to talk about what it looks likes, and how to be ready. To have no regrets. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the love and caring between my family. Seeing my mom's calm love in the face of death. She was beautiful. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Thinking about my attitude towards life. Trying to live what I believe. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Afterwards: I think about my mom more now that she is dead than when she was alive. I didn't realize she would be in my thoughts this much after her death. We live far away and I didn't call that often, and only saw my parents every one to two years. They were just always there when needed. I miss her and wish I had called and talked more often. I call my dad more now and we are closer than before. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Try healing touch. Anyone can learn it. Tell the person it is okay to go, give them permission to die. Learn what you can beforehand about palliative care so you can advocate for your loved one. --[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: I can be there to help, even if it is only with my presence. I can be a witness to death, even a hard death. I don't want to hide from death and not see it. I want to be there. To close my moms eyes and my daughters eyes when it is her time. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: My mom had diffeculty breathing. Now I know there are drugs which could have dried up her secretions and made it a bit easier for her. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: We laughed soon after mom died because I told my sisters and brother that I was afraid I had closed her eyes too soon, and she would open them again and be mad at me and never forgive me. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: call my mom more often and talk. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Tell her it was okay to go, that we loved her, that she was a great mom, that we would look after dad. I am greatful I could close her eyes (I don't know why I had a need to do this). --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I become teary-eyed often when I think of mom's actual death but so often now when I think about other good times. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I wouldn't change my life. I like the leasons I've learned and who I have become. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... This rarely crosses my mind. Nothing in life is fair, it just is. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could go back packing in the mountains with no one needing me, and no time schedule. I would get up when I want, eat when hungery, hike when I wanted, stop when I wanted, and just look at the sky, the mountains and trees. Stop long enough to really see them, smell them and touch them. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I wanted my family close. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: Home nursing was good. But hospital care was inadequate to the task. Nurses didn't have time, and didn't understand palliative care. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: No contact that I know of. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Had no place. --Religious Affiliation: Raised catholic. Now I am a spiritual person and believe in a god, and life after death. I believe in a spirit or energy that lives on in some form. --Regarding MONEY: My sisters handled it, I dont' know. --Regarding the FUNERAL: The good times we had r