^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ See Current contributions. See Jun 98 contributions. See May 98 contributions. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jul 31 18:00:11 1998 F16 in Decatur, Georgia =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 2 yrs ago. Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 2. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when we leave our physical bodies and our spiritual beings move on either to heaven or to another physical body. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I cried and cried. I couldn't understand why my little cousin died at such a young age. Her death really made me realize that anyone can die at anytime, regardless of whether you had time to really accomplish something. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My grandfather passed the day after Thanksgiving Day in '97. He was the first person that I really knew kind of well to die. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The most recent death was that of my grandfather. The thing I remember the most is the fact that that part of my family was so separarted. It angered me that it took a death for me to meet most of my relatives for the first time. A lot of the famiy members at the funeral, his own family, didn't really know him at all. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that when a loved one dies, it doesn't mean the end of the world. You should learn from the experience, but not let it hinder your life or let it interfere with your life in a negative way. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: it made me realize that you could leave this world at any second. Even though it's good to always do what's right, you should also try to follow your heart as much as possible. And also enjoy your life here to the fullest. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: from family and just being able to spend time alone with myself to evaluate my feelings an beliefs. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the fact that that death was one of the first I ever really had to deal with. Also, everyone around was constantly reciting from the Bible, which I am unfamiliar with. It made me uncomfortable. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I've never felt such an urge. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: To spend more time with both my cousin and my grandfather. What I really wish I could have changed was being able to spend Thanksgiving Day with my grandfather. The next day, he died and everyone that was at the family dinner didn't seem all that upset about his death because they could remember him laughing and joking around and enjoying life less than 24 hours earlier. That really helped them cope, but I didn't have that. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: move on. I still think about them pretty much on a daily basis, but know when I do, I'm not so upset about the way they died or about death itself. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... It wouldn't really be different. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... (my cousin)- that someone that young had to die. She had so much going for her. She never got to really enjoy life and even get to know herself. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: little for me. The only times I've ever been in a church were for funerals and just about everything they say is gibberish to me because I have not been raised in the church. --Regarding MONEY: we should spend it in a way that would make the decest happy. --Regarding the FUNERAL: that no one really knew each other, yet we were supposed to be family. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: realizing that the person was really dead. It took days. Sometimes, It doesn't dawn on me that they're dead until I see them in the coffin. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : I don't know. My cousin and my grandfather died unexpectantly. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: The night I found out that my cousin died, I couldn't stop crying. Then all of a sudden I felt like a was dreaming even though I knew I was still wide awake. Then I saw my cousin's face floating around. She didn't say anything, but she was laughing and giggling. This calmed me down and I was able to sleep for the rest of the night. The next day, I traveled to tmeet with the rest of the family and found out that everyone had a similar dream the night before. We decided that it was her way of telling us that there was no need to be really upset because she was happy in her new place. To this day she still visits her mother to give her lotto numbers. She wins on a regular basis. --Any thoughts about your own death?: If I knew I was to die soon I know I'd go wild trying to experience everything I possibly could. I'd even try bungie jumping. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? Before my cousin's death, I was always concerned doing my schoolwork, never really doing anything except for studying. Now, I still take school seriously, but I also make time to do things I enjoy and I'm always willing to try new things. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It made me teary eyed. I hadn't cried over the deaths in my family for months now. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? The only reson why I didn't answer all of the questions was because they were worded wierdly and I didn't understand what was being asked of me. Only a few of them I didn't want to answer. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jul 31 14:24:46 1998 F22 in Brookfield, CT =USA= Name: Elise Email: <evuillemenot-at-sjc.edu> Web: http://WWW don't have one - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: Gus was a good friend and I kind of wish I'd spent more time with him when he was well. Remember that Gus is a cat, not a person. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: On Death and Dying Recommended Reading-- Writers: Eliazbeth Kubbler Ross - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 1 day ago. Cause of Death: intestinal cancer; Aged: 6 yrs. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of our life on Earth. It's the end of pain, fear, and worry. You go to sleep and when you wake up your in Heaven with all of your deceiced loved ones. It's peaceful. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I laughed. I was only little and I really didn't understand it. All I knew was that a bunch of my relatives were crying, and that was funny to me. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My Grandma had multiple hard attacks. Finally it was decided that yet another defibrilation was only going to prolong the inevitable. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: watching the vet put him to sleep. He was already almost dead. The only way he was alive was that his heart was beating. I just remember watching the vet do the injection and thinking, "But what if he isn't really dying?" --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: not to be afraid of it. Just have faith that everything is controlled by God and that this is the way God thinks it should be. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I realized that I shouldn't be feelig sorry for myself like I've done for the last month. I should live each day to its fullest because I'll never know when I'm next on God's invitee list. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my mom. She was sad too and so we leaned on each other for support. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: I'm going to miss him. He was such a nice, sweet, gentle cat and he never caused any problems. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: I just petted him and told him that I loved him and that he was going to be at peace. --[My cat's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: allowed myself to cry in front of complete strangers at the vet's office. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I realized that he might not make it and that we might have to put him to sleep. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I felt temporarily relieved after we'd buried him. But then later I got more upset than I'd previously been. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: I have no regrets. We didn't want Gus to suffer any more. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: help bury him. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: Huh? --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: Nothing --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I see my other cats and think about whether they wonder where Gus is. And I hold them and think, "I wish Gus were here." --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that he was so young. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I felt guilty for not seeing that he was sick. My mom and my sister did, but I kind of ignored all of the signs and assumed that he'd get better. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy I was only a little kid. I assumed that Heaven was where we were all waiting to go. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jul 31 10:34:48 1998 F36 in woodland hills, ca =usa= Name: misty - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 ago. Cause of Death: natural causes; Aged: 80. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: horrible for the living --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was three --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandfather hung himself. I was three and the only reason why it upset me is because I didn't want my mom to leave. I threw a fit on the front porch. I still remember my grandfather and sitting with him. The first death that ever really effected my life was when my grandfather died, because we were very close. Though my father died first at 52, it effected me in the sense that I could never have what I hadn't had yet, a good reklationship, my grandfather was a loss. He was a wonderful man and a great person. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The most recent death for me was 2 years ago. A cousin 24. I looked at it from a parents perspective and how my aunt must feel. It was a really bad way to look at it and it effected me for quite a while and still does. --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: to accept that it is going to happen and learn to deal with that and not think that you are invinsible. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I had a feeling the day before the police came to my door about my dad, that he was with me. His picture caught my attention, and all of a sudden I felt as though he was happy that I had accepted him into my life. I found out that he had died that day, I believe he was letting me know that we had become friends. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: When a friend of mine told me that for the first 24-48 hours their spirit is still here and to say whatever it was that I've always wanted to say because they could hear me. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: The grieving of the family members, especially my aunt. Such a loss that I could never even explain. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Other: Remembering all of his wonderful stories. I was also comforted by the fact that he died in his sleep. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities My uncle, who was his son, treated me like I should not feel the sorrow. After all it was HIS father. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jul 31 04:36:54 1998 Anonymous Guest - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ] http://www.yahoo.com/Social_Science/Psychology/Tests_and_Experiments/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 8 yrs ago. Cause of Death: heart-diseases; Aged: 85. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 29 21:42:13 1998 M29 in seattle, wa =usa= Email: <dgo10538-at-aol.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GirlFriend, 8 yrs ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 20. --Details: I broke her heart with lies and humiliation, i cheated on her and she killed herself. She slashed her wrists and bled to death, alone and in tears. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: peace --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I broke my girlfriends' heart and she killed herself. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: wishing it was me that was dead --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: There are things worse than death. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Knowing i had caused it. what i did, the pain and misery i caused her and her family is unforgivable --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Don't be afraid. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: to commit suicide while i stil had the guts to --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Nothing. The thought of continuing my life is nausous. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: every day of my life, twenty times a day --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... it is too uncomfortable to think about --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... it's not fair that she's dead and i am still living --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could die, i'm already dead. i just haven't laid down yet --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I wanted to join her, to offer my life as the price that has to be paid --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing, i don't believe in god. there is no god and no excuses and no forgiveness --Regarding MONEY: all the money in the world would never bring her back --Regarding the FUNERAL: i don't know, i wasn't allowed at the funeral --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : who cares, death is a friend --RE: Near Death Experiences: ya, maybe but i don't think it can be real. i think it may be delusional- caused by my isolation behind a psycological wall. The longer i live i think the more incapable i am in dealing with my neurosesis.i drink a lot too, so maybe that's why. but i hear a bell ringeing like a church bell and i think it is the Angel of Death.but then i think, no it can't be because i have already a very long ago mentally prosecuted myself so why not just come and kill me? More i just think i am trapped in the midst of a mental breakdown. alienated and alone, maybe i am drawn to my death because there seems no other place to go. for those left out or left behind it will be impossible to make sense of this thing. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: i don't know who? who? the issues can not be reversed what i did was unforgivable --If we were to visit one last conversation... i would say i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. you matter and what you do matters. it's not you're fault, it wasn't you're fault- it was a stupid stupid mistake i never said i wished for you to die --Any thoughts about your own death?: i am not frightened of dying. anytime will do. there are things worse than death. living a lifetime as me is one of them. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: i don't know of any, the good memories are as uncomfortable and the bad ones --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? i go and sit at her grave and i cry - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Other: What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Alcohol --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: people were repulsed by me, friends everyone, everyone knew what i did and my mind and body have shriveled in loneliness ever since - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - i don't know. i don't even know why i am writing this. tomorrow i will regret this and wished i never did it. as for anyone who reads it, they will say good.burn in hell you piece of shit.like always. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 29 21:17:22 1998 F52 in CRAB ORCHARD, NEBRASKA =UNITED STATES= Name: JEANNE A. ELSASSER Email: <freespirit-at-navix.net> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] I am interested in death and dying. It took a long time to find this page. I find it very informative - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: DEVELOPMENTAL TECHNICIAN III - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Into the Light - Tibetan Book of Living and Dying - Recommended Reading-- Writers: Betty Eade - Singoyl Rinpoche - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 45 yrs ago. Cause of Death: barge hit father's boat on ocean at night. They were negligent; Aged: 31. --Details: My father was fishing at night and a barge came along and hit his boat and knocked him off. He was a good swimmer so the authorities surmised that he had hit his head on the way down. The barge people were not paying attention at the time and were punished in a court of law. Little consolation for three young children left with no father. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the shedding of our bodies only. We have a spirit which lives on into infinity. Our soul does not die. We may have to come back to reach a higher level of consciencness. where we go when our bodies die is beautiful. There is so much peace and joy and love there. It is where we strive to be. This earth is only a school to learn and grow spiritually. We should not fear death, it is a reuniting of kindred spirits. It is a happy occassion, those who were closest to us on earth will greet us with unconditional love when we pass over. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was to young to realize what was going on around me. I was a child of seven. I know I loved my father dearly, but I don't think I cried. I remember having a dream about him. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my father was killed (drowned) when I was 7 years old. He was fishing at night off the coast of Catalina Island in California. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The pain it caused my mother. I think when my father died, the loving side of her died too. I remember her crying and fainting all of the time and feeling helpless because I couldn't help her. No one sat me down and told me my father died. A neighbor boy came over to me and told me the he knew something that I didn't know. After much pleading, he told me about my father. Very cruel. I raged at him and called him a liar. I had a dream of my father during that time. I dreamt that I was very thirsty and my father came to the end of my bed and held a glass of water out to me and I took it and went right back to sleep. It is the only real thing I have left of him that I have cherished all of these years. --What I think my (UNITED STATES) culture needs to better learn about death is: That it is nothing to hide. It is only a beginning. The only thing to fear is fear itself. The Tibeten Book of the Living and Dying by singoyl Rinpoche should be required reading for everyone. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: THe dream I described above. That was truly a gift for me. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My Aunt and Uncle who came all of the way to California from Nebraska to take us home and raise us. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Desolation, lost child, no one sat us down to talk to us. All I remember is looking at lots of legs in the room. I cannot believe people (relatives) could be so insensitive. --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Came through the fire. I found out that I am a survivor, I always have been. I have learned to take care of myself because nobody else will. I am strong and I cling to that. I have survived many things since my father's death and I have lived through it all. What has helped my the most is knowing that there is more than this earth, if there wasn't why bother going through all of life's tribulations? Take joy in the fact that your real world awaits. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: This death was to sudden to go through a "process" --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it is a common occurence. Many people do this out of nervousness. So what? --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: There was nothing to change. In my seven year old eyes, my father was perfect. In fact, I always thought our whole family was perfect. I was to young to know any different. My first seven years of life were perfect. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Have a home and two loving people to step in and care for us. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: This is so true. Talking about it brings back all of the memories. Or when I am on a walk by myself. All of the old memories come back. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I have often wondered what kind of person I would be if my father had lived. Would I be so cynical? Would I be more trusting? Less angry? more loving? Who knows. It's not important because we are all on a path, mine just took another turn. I suppose I needed to learn a big lesson there. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that all of the other kids have their dads and mine is dead. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could turn it off. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I shut it out. The pain of thinking of not having my father around was just to much. I faced it little by little as the years went by and that seemed to help. I never let it hit me all at once. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: They need to do some more research on Dying people. On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is a good book, but not enough. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: N/A --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: No church was involved at all. What I believe now is from what I have read and accepted for myself. I believe in not religion, just a higher power. --Religious Affiliation: Past Congregationalist then Presbyterian Currently believer in myself and the God within. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: True. There are no differences in humankind. Society is the cause of breakdown in belief systems. All religions most likely have a piece of the truth, but no one religion is the true religion. There is a common link of Spirit because we are all one and if I don't get there, you don't get there. --Regarding MONEY: It wasn't money so much as "things". My dad's relatives took what they wanted. My mother was in no shape to talk about any of that. --Regarding the FUNERAL: We never had a funeral. We didn't even get to say goodbye. My father was lost to the ocean. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : When someone says a loved one is waiting for or coming for them. (Just supposition on my part) --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: I have endured the pain of loss (and I mean real physical pain) I have seen it in others. This pain is for you, the one who is passing over is the lucky one. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I remember one dear friend who died smiling and with no fear. She even told us to stick around for the funeral. She was an old Scottish lady and had a gift. She had no fear and kept her sense of humor until the end. She would see relatives waiting for her. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: Absolutely no unresolved issues. There wasn't enough time with him to even have an issue. There was only the love of my father and the good times we had. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would love to be able to have one last conversation with my father. Just to say he missed me and was waiting for me. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: As I stated above, my father came to me in a dream after he died. I felt so much love when I looked at him. I had woken up with a terrible thirst and saw my father standing at the end of the bed holding a glass of water out to me. I just felt to at peace and such love coming from him. I feel it everytime I think about it. I took the water and drank thirstily and lay back down and went right to sleep. I have always felt that he came to me to say goodbye and that I would be alright. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I want people to heed my wishes. I am in the process of writing all of my wishes down on paper so there will be no question about what I want. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I would hope that I would rely on my belief system and wait my impending death with joy in my heart. The peace of the other side would be a beacon for me. I would like to die without fear, fear would be caused by pain I think. I would like to have a death coach to help me to keep in focus. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: meditation --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I meditate. This keeps me balanced. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold I had no help. My mother was totally helpless. No one would tell us what was going on. I resent it still. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities My father's family wanted to put us in an orphanage. I hated them. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Someone to put their arms around me and tell me it is going to be all right. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - This was a good experience. I didn't realize that I still felt anger. I knew I would feel sadness. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 29 00:51:27 1998 M28 in Montreal, Quebec =Canada= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Yahoo search - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 18 yrs ago. Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 60. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of one stage and the begining of another. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was deeply affected. I still have vivd memories after nearly 20 years. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...heart condition/attack. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the effect it had on his family. --What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is: it is not the end. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the memories it left me oif that person. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: family. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: them not being around anymore. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... What kind of person would I be today if he had lived longer to influence my decisions and paths. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... they were so young. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could talk to him one more time. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: they try their best but sometimes there is nothing that can be done. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: having to be in front of many people, often strangers, when it hurt the most --Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: truthful. There is something of us that continues after our body dies. --Regarding MONEY: the funeral was so expensive. --Regarding the FUNERAL: the death affected everyone there in some way. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: seeing the body like he was sleeping. Just a bit creepy. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': there was none --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: it happened to my mother with her father but she does not really talk about it. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: The final wished MUST be respected if only to honour the memory of that person. --Any thoughts about your own death?: My death does not scare me. I wonder often how it would affect family and friends but I see death as a transition to another plane. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold Young enough not to know full extent of what it really meant, What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jul 27 14:44:13 1998 F20 in Aiea, Hawaii =United States= Name: Ke'alohilani Email: <alohi-at-hawaii.rr.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Just surfing the net. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: you may post it for learning or informative purpose only. Thank you. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 yrs ago. Cause of Death: Old Age? Illness not known; Aged: 80. --Details: She was in the hospital and the doctors had just checked on her. She seemed fine and was about to take some tests on her. When they got back, she was dead. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a natural cycle of life that everyone will face. It is when the human body no longer functions to be alive. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I didn't really know what was going on. I was only about 4 years old. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my mother had lung cancer. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how much my grandmother meant to everyone and how sadness fades after awhile. Then, the fact that she is no longer suffering (if she did). --What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is: To be open and just to talk freely about it. Some people just hold it in, like I did, and to cope with death, I think it helps to know that there are others who've exerienced the same thing. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: it happened for a reason. To end the suffering that my mother was going to through. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: recently, the support of friends from church and my boyfriend. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: knowing that my grandmother wasn't going to be there for me to see her and for her to see me get married. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: to assure that person that everything will be alright when that person dies. --[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Become the person I am today compared to how I was then. I used to be very quiet and unsocialbe, but now, I am one of the most friendliest people around. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I didn't really know what happens after the person is pronounce dead. What I mean is, what happens to that person is what I really don't know. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it was probably just those precious moments that we should all keep in our hearts about that person. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: tell all my loved ones who have passed away that I loved them. Not only in the things that I've done, but sometimes it's the words that they want to hear also. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: pick myself up and find who I truly am inside. I'm also more motivated and want to reach out and help others as a counselor. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: the dying person talks and throws little hints. A lot of the time, dying people know when they will or want to die and they do want to be heard. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: what will happen to the family? --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: little things remind me so much of them that it does bring some sort-of memory and how I won't be able to share those with that person again. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I might not have found my true self and would be living in a house of strictly success, education, and business. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that I had to grow-up without a mother and father and everyone else could. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could run away and start over. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I felt a little better knowing that everything happens for a reason. From person experience, I know what the reasons were. And life does go on. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: use the illnesses of dying people to learn more so in the future, those illnesses may be better known. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: not sure... --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: everything. My second family are the friends I have at church. They are always there for me. --Religious Affiliation: I am a Christian Roman Catholic. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: peaceful. --Regarding MONEY: it was taken care of to a certain point, and that does cause some conflict at times with certain issues. --Regarding the FUNERAL: the amount of people and what they had to say about the person who died. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: not knowing what was going to happen afterwards. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : what the dying person is talking about. Mostly, they know quite well what is going on with them and how they feel. They may look like nothing is wrong, OR they may seem like they're getting thinner. It depends on what type of illness. All you can do is be there and learn about that certain illness. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: it is God's will and that it's something that everyone has to go through. The best thing is to do everything possible before the death so that after, you won't have any regrets and remember that life goes on. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I truly believe this. In some cases, I have heard about this and my grandmother also told me that her sister-in-law "visited" her. I keep an open mind, but I do have my opinion on it. --RE: Near Death Experiences: I have not really experienced this, or know of anyone who has. Although, I may have heard about it many times from others, I feel that it is possible and that it must have been significant if that person who almost died to have a whole new meaning to life. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I've always had the issue if not knowing if I told my mother that I loved her, or even my dad. But now, I know that the things that I've done were ways for them to know that I did, and by praying, they know that I still do. Problem solved. --If we were to visit one last conversation... All I needed was one last hug. And for my mom, I want to know what we've done for the four years I've known her. And for my dad, I want to know what he thinks of me now. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: My younger cousins have experienced these. Some of the people in our famiy have had dreams about them. But one of my cousin's (one of the youngest, but old enough to understand) seems to recall messages from dreams. Like what type of flowers they wanted on their grave. My other cousin, when she was younger, she described a vision she saw. It was the exact description of my mother, but yet, my cousin was not born yet when my mother had died. My other cousin just turned 3 and has an older sister who died after three months of birth. It is very interesting to hear her talk about her dead sister and how much she understands where her sister is. She told us she knew that her great mother was with her sister. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: It think it is important for a person to write on paper in detail was exactly they want especially when it pertains to keeping them alive, or pulling the plug. A last wish is very important, and should not be taken lightly. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I am not afraid of death, because I know that I have no choice! But I am afraid of suffering. I full heartedly believe in God and that whatever His will is, I accept. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: There was a process for me. After my mother died, I tried to block it out. The same goes when my father died. I was 12. But, I heard this guy (my fiance now) talk about the death of his mother, who also died of lung cancer. It was the first time I actually cried and it was then that I knew I wasn't alone. From there, I was able to talk with him openly about the experiences and he understood me like no one else could. Then, two years later, I had the chance to give a talk like he did, and I told others my experience of death, and it helped me to become stronger knowing that others were touched by my story. I had a letter by someone unknown giving me feedback on how much I've grown. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I find it better for me to pray, because my religion believes that you can still talk to your deceased loved one. And I reflect on what is going on in life and how I can continue to live my life. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness I was too young to know what death was. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything I tried to block it out of my mind. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I wished that I had met my fiance sooner, but that was only because I wanted someone to actually know what I was going through and how I felt. Now I know that to reach out to someone is just to be there to comfort and let them know that there are people out there that have gone through the same thing and that you're not alone. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I've been asked most of these questions many times, so I feel that it helps others to know more about death. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? One comment: There are at least two sides to every story of a death experience. Maybe you could ask questions about being in the place of others involved. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jul 27 13:08:02 1998 F20 in Portland, Oregon =United States= Name: Jeannie Email: <dunagan-at-millernash.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Legal Secretary (pre-law major) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 9 years ago. Cause of Death: colon cancer; Aged: 55. --Details: She had started out with breast cancer and they operated, but didn't get it all and she ended up getting colon cancer about 2 years later. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a part of life. You cannot stop it from happening. The only thing you can do is accept it and remember the memories you share. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was upset because I was only 4 years old and didn't understand what was going on. --That first time, how it happened was It was my great Aunt. She had been driving home from Thanksgiving dinner and had her heart stopped. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how much she meant to me. --What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is: try not to become bitter when someone dies. It is a natural thing (though I can understand when someone is murdered). --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: my grandmother didn't have to go through anymore pain because she is up in heaven with my great Aunt (her sister) and Jesus. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: knowing I will never be able to see them again and knowing that my grandmother will never be able to see me grow old and have a family of my own. --[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: think you should be grateful for what you have because I will never have my grandmother back. My boyfriend is always talking bad about his grandmother and I try to let him know he should treat her like an angel because when she is gone he will not be able to. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: appreciate her being around, and love her more than I did. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I remember that my grandmother will not be at my wedding and couldn't be at my graduation from high school or college. Nor will she be been I graduate from law school. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... My family would be happy again. We wouldn't be tearing each other apart and always getting into fights. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... Why does (my boyfriend) still get to have his grandmother around and I don't. Why is it some adults still have their greatgrandparents around and I get the raw end of the deal. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I started crying and denying that she (my grandmother) was really gone forever. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: my Grandmother wasn't going to just get put into the ground and forgotten. --Religious Affiliation: Baptist. --Regarding the FUNERAL: everyone that showed up. People seemed to crawl out of the woodwork, because I never remembered my grandmother knowing so many people. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: trying to picture where my grandmother was going. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would tell her I loved her and hoped that she was happy. I wouldn't want her to come back to earth because it is a bad place and I think she is safer in heaven. This would allow me a better closure and probably not so much jealousy when it comes to my boyfriend and his grandmother. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I had a dream that my grandmother came back and she started handing out cordless phones to everyone. She gave me a phone and told me that she would always be there when I needed to talk to her. I believe she was talking to me through my dream. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I am scared to die. I have asked Jesus into my life, but I honestly don't think that I am good enough to go to heaven. I think he will tell me no because I have done some bad things. I try to be better but sometimes I don't think I will ever be able to go to heaven. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jul 26 23:05:38 1998 F21 in Toronto, Ontario =Canada= Name: Sharon - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: The little sister of one terrific guy. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Why do bad things happen to good people. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 3 yrs ago. Cause of Death: an accidental heroin overdose; Aged: 21. --Details: He was a good-looking, clean-cut, and very intelligent person from a good and loving family. It bothers me when people have pre-concieved notions about drug-users. It can happen to anybody, of any age, race, or class. It's sad, but the reasons aren't always so obvious. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The ultimate source of confusion, suffering and pain. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I went into a sort of disbelieving shock, that turned into a deep sadness. I would go to bed at night feeling emotionally drained, wake up in the morning feeling for a split second that it was all just a horrible dream, and then remember that it was my reality. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...It was my older brother. We were 3 years apart and very close. He had been an important part of my life for all my life. I was 18 when he died. He was 21. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: My Mother screaming for her baby, seeing my father look so very sad, my 8 year old brother clutching to me and crying, my 16 year old brother laying across the body of our big brother, and the feeling inside that my family was ruined for ever. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Upon looking at the body I realized that God truly did exsist. I knew that my brothers soul was no longer here, but I also realized that a persons soul doesn't and could never die. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: The strength of my family. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Not knowing how I was going to live my life now without him there. --[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Have endured and become a much stronger person. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: The whole hoopla of family and friends being there every day ended and there was nothing left to do but think about it and not know how to deal with every new day. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I think your emotions get completely confused because of the shock, and they come out distorted because your mind has no idea how to react. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Tell my brother that I loved him. That he was my hero from the time I was a little girl, and that my life would be the only place I would ever want to be because he had been in it. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Have the time and experiences I had with him. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I see something that he would have liked, or thought was funny or sad, or when I dial his old phone number and then hang up because some unknown woman's voice answers instead of his. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I have absolutely no idea. All I can do is picture the life I had before and imagine myself still living it. Future perceptions don't exist for me because they never will, and I don't want to fool myself by creating false realities. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... That there are so many horrible people in this world, people who beat or kill their children, commit hidious cruelties, kill and destroy good things, but my brother has to die. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could SCREAM AND YELL and magically make him appear. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I Tried my best to take care of others. I remember spoon feeding my Parents who had regressed into helpless children. It was actually very scary, but I realized an inner strength that I never knew I had. --Religious Affiliation: I have a new found strength in God because of my experience. --Regarding MONEY: It was disgusting to me how they even put a price on, and profit from the marketing of the dead. Nothing is sacred. --Regarding the FUNERAL: The feeling that it was truly over when the body was brought to the burial site. He was really gone for good. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : I had no signs. It was a sudden death, and a shocking phone call. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': All I know is that we had no idea that my brother had died until several days after it occured, but at the exact time when he would have died my Mother was awake (about 4:30 in the morning) and had a vision of her Grandmother standing in her bedroom. This was the only person my brother knew personally while living that had died. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I have dreams about him, and it's usually when he has a message for me. Sometimes I don't know what they mean until later on, but it's very weird. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I don't want anybody to cry. I want them to remember only the happy moments and to know that all that matters is that they once loved me and I knew it. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I don't fear death now because I know it will reunite me with my brother and bring me to a new and exciting world, but I would never, ever want to put my parents through such heart-ache again. It's my one darkest fear...that I should die before them or my younger brothers. I would rather endure all of their deaths alone than have to make any of them suffer ever again. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People It stops hurting so much with the passing of time, but every now and then I just cry myself to sleep. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen Not being able to turn to him when I need him, not being able to say things I should have, remembering the funeral. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - A little upsetting. I skipped a bunch of questions because I started to cry and just wanted to get to the end. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jul 24 18:22:26 1998 F45 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania =USA= Name: Mary Dulgeroff Email: <DulgeroffME-at-MSX.UPMC.EDU> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Office Coordinator, Psych. Clinic - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 years ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 76. --Details: long, painful, embarrassing for him as cancer went to brain and he lost control of his bodily functions. He was always a proud man, very neat and well groomed and he died wearing diapers. I nursed him for the last two weeks as he died at home. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: Inevitable, but feared --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I I didn'[t realize it, but my paternal grandmother had died. My parents did not tell me, I only found out when I found my father in the basement, crying. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my aunt died and family had to travel to another state for funeral --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Rage. I never was allowed to grieve for my father. I was his favorite and was with him when he died, but my mother and sister fell apart and details of his funeral and burial were left to me. I had no time to grieve and do not feel that I have ever been allowed to. I have had to be the "strong" one and take care of the needs of my sister and mother. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: It doesn't have to be ugly or painful. People should be allowed to decide to end their own lives in cases of terminal illness. My father wanted to die and the doctors tacitly agreed with him by supplying him with an enormous supply of percodan and morphine. My mother hid them on him and he was sentenced to die by degrees, in pain and delirium. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: My father died. He was in terrible pain, had lost his mental abilities and control of his bodily functions. He was ashamed of himself the last few days. When he finally went into a coma for the last 24 hours I prayed he would never wake up. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My coworkers. My family gave me no support at all. My coworkers were "there" for me at the funeral home, at the cemetary, and when I returned to work. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: The ugliness and degradation of someone I had admired and looked up to all my life. When my father died, I felt as though the cornerstone of my life was gone. Suddenly, I was making all the decisions with no one to consult with. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Assuring them they are not a burden. My mother was incapable of dealing with the reality of my father's imminent death and in some respects tortured him for the last 3 months of his life. She could not admit that his mental abilities and control of his body was fading. She kept telling him he could do better if he tried, that he was trying to make me feel sorry for him and that he was making HER life difficult by dying. When I took my leave of absence from my job to take care of him, I spent 12 hours a day with him and constantly reassured him that it was an honor to me to pay back in some small part all of the care and love he had lavished on my all my life. I believe (hope) he died a little easier knowing that I was tending him out of love, not out of duty. --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Was able to face death and deal with some of the physical ugliness associated with his partcular death without allowing him to know how terrible I felt. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: He had been in remission and suddenly started acting "odd". When they told me that cancer had metasticized to his brain I insisted they were wrong, that he had been in treatment for three years and had lived two years longer than originally predicted. I kept telling them they had made a mistake and he just needed his medication changed. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I never felt this -- just a cold, intense rage and the need to stay in control or I might stop screaming and never stop. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Tell him just one more time how much I loved him, respected him, and how much he had contributed to making me a strong, independent woman. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Nurse him the last two weeks of his life. Although it was a terrible experience, I was glad to be able to repay in small part some of the sacrifices he had made for me in my life. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: My father tried to comfort me as he was dying. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: Having a religious person there. If there is an after-life and the lack of a priest at his bedside to bless him when he died negated his life of sacrifice for his family, then I would prefer to go to hell. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I have an achievement in my life and he is not there to tell me how proud he is of me. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I would not take my father for granted. I would spend more time with him and listen to him more., --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... he has been a good man. He didn't hurt anybody, he worked hard, and his life was his family. Why is he being made to suffer this agonizing death. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Die --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was furious. My rage almost was out of control. I remember beating a pillow with my fist and throwing a picture of my father across the room. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: Mixed feelings. His first round of chemotherapy and radiation was through a regular hospital. He was just another patient. He eventually went to the VA where the people treated him as a special, unique person. They are loving and kind, went to extraordinary lengths to help him and me. His oncologist from the VA even showed up at the funeral home, cried at the casket, and made a donation in his name to the Amer. Can. Society. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: Positive. They were an enormous help coming to the house. As he was a proud man and would not let me attend to what he considered private functions (bathing him, shaving him, cleaning up after he soiled himself) the fact that they sent a male nurse daily was a comfort to him. He was able to allow himself to be taken care of without feeling ashamed that his youngest daughter was seeing him in what he considered to be a "shameful" state. The nurse attended the funeral and was very kind to my family. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: To me, nothing. My mother's church was primarily concerned with the question of whether we were going to honor a monetary pledge my father had made to their building fund. We were not allowed to choose the music or the readings for the service. My sister was allowed to give a brief eulogy. I am not sure about my mother. She still pays to have masses said for him, but I tend to believe that she is doing it more to see her name in the church bulletin than in the belief that it has any effect on the possibility that prayer will help him if there is an after-life. I personally find it outrageous that she is paying the church to pray for the soul of a departed member of the congregation. --Religious Affiliation: Catholic -- DEFINITELY PAST --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: corect. Death is the great leveler. In death, Prncess Diana and my father are the same. --Regarding MONEY: My father had cashed in all of his life insurance policies to pay for his medical care. Even as he was dying, the hospital (a CATHOLIC hospital) he had first started out in had a collection agency calling almost daily demanding payment of a $2,000 bill. I finally contracted to pay the bill myself if they would leave him in peace. He died believing that they had "written off" the bill; he never knew that I was paying it off. It was finally paid off a year after he died. However, since he left no life insurance, my mother was left with only her social security check. I have been semi-supporting my mother ever since. --Regarding the FUNERAL: It was a show. I would have preferred a private, family only funeral. I realize that people came to the funeral to show respect for my father, but I feel that the funeral was for THEM, not for the family. When people get into arguments about the placement of their car in the procession or who was asked to be a pall bearer, there is no chance to say goodbye. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: Watching it happen. I literally saw my father take his last breath. I was the one who told my mother he had died. I saw the "light" leave his face and he did not look like my father any more. He looked like some strange, ugly old man. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Change in respiration rate, inability to focus his eyes, some wandering thoughts. As he was in a coma for the final 24 hours before he died, it is difficult to pinpoint the exact signs. However, since he was dying of cancer, the physical deterioration had been going on for quite a while. It was primarily in the last week that I knew it was gong to happen quickly. He lost the ability to eat, he was delirious, and he just passively stared at the ceiling. He spoke very little, and when he did look at me he would start to cry. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: I don't feel I have been able to grieve yet. I cannot respond to this. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': As far as I know, he had none. However, he was in a coma and was not speaking for 24 hours so I cannot accurately say this did not happen. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I feel very good about how things were between us. Although I would have liked to have told my father one more time that I loved him, I do not carry the burden of guilt that my sister and mother do. My sister could not cope with seeing my father deteriorate and avoided seeing him. When he was in the coma, she kept begging him to wake up so she could tell him she loved him. If she would have come over to the house and helped me nurse him the last two weeks, she could have told him she loved him many times. He died and she had not told him she loved him. When my father died, my sister had not seen him for more than 5 minutes in two weeks. She feels extremely guilty about avoiding him before he died. My mother treated him very badly for the last three months, even to the point of some physical abuse. I realize that it came from her fear of losing him, but the man was already suffering and she made it worse. When she comments on this fact, I do NOT try to reassure her. Striking a dying man is inexcusable, no matter how frightened you are. I have no unresolved issues. I was with him, I told him I loved him several times a day, I assured him he was not a burden, and thanked him for the sacrifices he had made to give me a quality life and for being a terrific father and instilling in me the qualities I needed to be an independent, successful woman --If we were to visit one last conversation... I don't know what he/I would say. I supposed I would ask him for his advice one more time, I would tell him I love him. I would dearly love to have him hug me again and tell me how proud he is of me. This does not help me deal with my feelings now. It just makes my angrier. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I have stated this many times previously. The dying person's wishes and desires regarding their death should be paramount. It is better for a person to be able to die without pain and with dignity than to be degraded and humbled so that their family members can keep them around for another month, week, or day. We euthanize dogs and cats to "put them out of their misery" but we refuse the same consideration to human beings. No one should have to die suffering. I will take care of this area for myself if that occurs to me. I do not think it should be left to the family to decide. It is much too emotional an issue for most family members to deal with. --Any thoughts about your own death?: After watching my father die, I have definitely decided that I, not the medical profession, not the church, not my family, will decide how my life ends. If I have a terminal illness with absolutely no hope left of life, I will die with dignity. I will not forgive my mother for denying my father that. He died lying in his own waste, unshaven, and wearing diapers. That is not how any living being should die. I am not afraid of death, but I will make the decision when I will die. I will be proactive, not passive. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I have had none. The loss is still as raw and wide open as it was on April 21, 1996. Again, I believe this is because I have not been allowed to grieve. The fact of my father's death is actually not acknowledged by me. I am in the position of being the "calm" person in the family -- both my sister and mother tend to become hysterical. I am very like my father. He was the "calm" person and as I was his favorite, I believe he instilled in me the idea that since my sister and mother were going to fall apart, I needed to be in control. I was the one he spoke to about his desires for his funeral and burial. He never spoke to my mother or sister about it. I was the one who witnessed his living will, My mother refused to accept it and kept demanding the hospital and hospice people "do something" to keep him alive. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I have changed, but not for the better. I am colder, more controlled, more critical. I am less tolerant of other people and their weaknesses. Again, I believe this is because I was not allowed to grieve. My mother demanded I take care of her and I did not have even 5 minutes alone either when he first died, at the funeral home, or at the cemetary. When he died my mother literally pushed me away from his bedside so she could stand there (although she hadn't shown such concern while he was actually dying). They removed his body from the house while I was in the kitchen choosing a casket, and he had requested a closed casket at the funeral home as he was ashamed of how he looked as he became more ill. My last image of my father is as a sick, wasted old man. I did not have any time to say my private goodbyes to him. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Be there and help. Do not allow just one or two family members to deal with all the details. The person who is screaming and crying gets all the attention. Someone has to hold it together to make all the arrangements. It is the person who does not appear to be falling apart who usually is inside and who needs the help and support. I would have loved someone to take just a little of the burden off of me. I sat in the kitchen with the funeral director choosing caskets and making arrangements while my sister and mother were crying in the living room with the neighbors and a few cousins comforting them. At the funeral home, I was the one who had to stand in the room with the casket and greet the visitors as it was "too much" for my mother and sister who stayed in the other room. I was screaming inside, felt lost and lonely, was terribly cold, but because I wasn't collapsed in a chair, I got no support. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It really didn't effect me. I formed my opinions and made my decisions during that hellish three weeks in April two years ago. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jul 24 15:02:58 1998 F25 in Aurora, CO =USA= Name: Brenna Shanholtz Email: <imajika-at-pcisys.net> Web: http://users.plinet.com/~imajika/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] I was looking for psychology info on Yahoo - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Police Record Clerk - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 6 ago. Cause of Death: a brain tumour; Aged: 56. --Details: She was having very bad headaches and went to a Dr. They did a scan of her head and found a tumour. They did surgery twice to try and remove it but the Dr. soon told us there was nothing more they could do. She died 6 months after finding out she had the tumour. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the unavoidable experience of your body shutting down permanently. All of your organs eventually cease to function and your soul or spirit goes to another phase or place in the universe. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was young. It was the death of my Aunt. I was not extremely close to her but I saw her a few times a year and I loved her. My mother would not let me go to the funeral because she thought I was too young but I believe I should have gone to be able to say goodbye. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was my mother's sister had passed away due to bone cancer. My mother did not think I was old enough to attend the funeral so I was not allowed to go. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: that I did not have time to grieve except when I was around my ex-husband. When I was around other family and friends, I was so busy trying to be strong for them that I almost, at times, resented the fact that no one asked me how I was or offered comfort except for my ex-husband. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: After my mother died, it forced me to look at myself and what I wanted to do with my life. I went out on my own and tried to make my way in the world. I believe that my mother is somewhere out there and she is happy and looking out for me. I've made mistakes in my life but my mom has guided me in the right direction. I am now successful and happy and I know my mom's spirit is around me. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My ex-husband was very supportive and giving during my loss. I also had things that my mother had made for me (quilts, etc.) that helped me think of good things. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Regret. I regret the things I never got to do with my mom, things I wish I could have said before she went into a coma...but I talk to her spirit and I believe she knows just how much her brief life meant to me..and she knows my never-ending love for her. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: To talk to them. When my mother was in a coma, I still talked to her and told her things about my life and what she meant to me. It made me feel better knowing that she could be hearing me and knowing that I loved her. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: my mother started losing her memory. It hurt so bad to see her like that. At times, she wouldn't remember my name or things we did when I was a child. It hurt so bad to see her so disoriented and hurting. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Tell my mother EVERYTHING she did for me. She molded and shaped me into the person I am today and I don't think I let her know just how much she affected me. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I hear certain songs on the radio my mother loved, or when I see pictures of my mom looking so happy...then I think about how miserable she was when she got ill. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I believe my mother would have divorced my father and I would be living with her as mother/daughter and as room mates. Working and going on with life. My mother was not only a mom, but a best friend. I would have no qualms about living with my mom at the age I am now. My mom was VERY open minded and understanding. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that my mother died instead of my father. I never liked my father and he is a very bad person. He always hated me as well. My father has had no impact in my life and I have not talked to him since my mother passed away. I just wish my mother was still here and that someone else (even me) could have died in her place. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could See my mom one more time and hug her, kiss her, tell her I love her. Hold her hand, smell her perfume, joke around with her like we used to. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I sat on the floor in my apartment curled up against my ex-husband. I cried and yelled and screamed. He held me the entire time and let me get it all out. I cried for about an hour and then passed out from exhaustion. When I woke up, my ex-husband had taken me into the bedroom and put me in bed. He was there for me when I woke up and he was a blessing during that time in my life. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: Disappointment. I just wish the Dr. had listened to my mom when the headaches first started...maybe they would have caught things sooner. But after they found the tumour, I believe they did everything they could to try and save her. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing. I preferred to deal with this loss in my own spiritual way. My father turned to church for sympathy from people and I thought that was wrong. He wasn't asking God to help him, he was asking church members to feel sorry for HIM and for prayers for HIM and not prayers or support for the rest of my family or even for my mother. --Religious Affiliation: I have a spiritual belief and I believe in God but I prefer to worship in my own way than be affiliated with a certain church or religious group. --Regarding MONEY: it really did not become an issue. My mother had excellent health insurance and my father had a lot of money saved up to pay what insurance would not pay. He never mentioned money to us at all. --Regarding the FUNERAL: That it was a nice ceremony for a wonderful woman. There were a lot of people there and the priest that spoke was very eloquent. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: the feeling of wanting to get away from my family...to deal with my mother's death ALONE and not have to worry about anyone else needing me. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : I knew that death was impending when I saw my mother start preparing herself for death. She knew she was dying and even though she was hoping for a miracle she was realistic about it. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: completely letting loose with a close friend or loved one was a big help. My friends were there to hold me and offer their love for me. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I was not aware of any she had but I had always hoped that my grandmother and Aunt were there waiting for her on the other side. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I don't feel there were unresolved issues...I just wish I could have come up with a way to show my mom JUST how MUCH she meant to me...but words could never describe that. Now that she is gone, I think she can look into my soul and see just how much...since I couldn't put it into words when she was alive. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would thank her for looking out for me and helping me in my life. I know she is around me and is looking out for me. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I believe I would begind seeking out people that have meant a lot to me throughout my life, so I could tell them what an impact they had on my life. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold Close friends have always helped me every time I have been faced with a friend or family member dying. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope When my mother passed away, I was so busy helping my sisters and their children deal with the loss that I didn't have time to grieve. No one asked me how I was doing because I put on a strong facade for my sisters. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I think this was a very good questionaire that dealt with all aspects of death and loss. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? I would ask if the person has seen visions of their loved one or heard them speaking to them in a dream, etc. I had this happen after my mother died while I was going through my divorce. My mother showed me something and told me it was all going to be okay. I was in a half-sleep state and even then I knew this was real...and she was right. :) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jul 23 13:45:43 1998 F30 in Minneapolis, Minnesota =USA= Email: <Hetletvedt-at-epivax.epi.umn.edu> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Principal Secretary - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 7 months ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 59. --Details: Her last days were very difficult, watching her slowly fade away what looked like painfully. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: painful but hopefully a happy transition of moving from one life to another. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was so young I don't quite remember. I do remember it was hard to believe it was true. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was my grandfather, then my father. They both died of heart attack. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the pain my mother suffered. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: not to be afraid. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: talking to family and friends and reading books and articles --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: watching her slowly fade away, getting thinner and thinner, watching her in so much pain and knowing how depressed she was knowing she was going to die. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: holding their hand and talking to them softly letting them know your feelings for them. Just being close I believe is a comfort for them, knowing that you are there. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: She became disllusioned. (I think that is the word) and she couldn't talk correctly, getting frustrated I couldn't understand her. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend even more time with her. Told her I loved her more, even though I knew she knew! --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I just think about the death process and just thinking about her not being here anymore. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... beautiful, colorful, flowers, fresh scents. No pain, just joy and love all around. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... ...why did she have to go through so much pain and go so young. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could see and talk to her just one more time! --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I like to talk about it. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: The nurses and doctors were very nice and helpful. It makes things much easier when dealing with death. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: positive --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: It is important but prayer is most important regardless if you go to the church physically or not. --Religious Affiliation: Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I believe we all have one link to God or the Higher Power regardless what religion or religous beliefs you have. --Regarding MONEY: Fortunately, insurance took care of most things. But there is so much paper work that is involved and really the cost of a dying person is just ridiculous. It's just not fair in my eyes. They are dying and family is already going through enough. It's just too much to deal with all the paper work and the funds. But it's just something that must be done. Although, I could see how some people could get ripped off through insurance things. If I hadn't followed up on things for my mom, she would have been out quite a bit of money. --Regarding the FUNERAL: The kind words of all the people. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: My mother hung on at the end a lot longer than anyone expected including the hospice nurses. No one could figure out why because she saw everyone that she needed to see. Then we THINK we figured it out. She wanted someone to be there for ME. My sister had her husband with her by her side and I was with them. We feel my mom wanted me to have someone. My boyfriend arrrived just as she was taking her last few breaths. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: I didn't go through all of the grieving process steps as they mention in books etc. It was sad and painful but never anger. Not everyone goes through all the steps explained in books and phamplets. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I'm not sure there was any. She cried out something one time but weren't sure what she said. My brother in-law thought she called out my father's name who preceeded in her death. --RE: Near Death Experiences: NA --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: All issues were resolved. We were very close and there actually were no issues. We loved each other very much and it was very clear for both of us, I believe even the "I love you" words weren't always said. She knew and I knew how deep our mother and daughter relationship really was. --If we were to visit one last conversation... Just to tell her how much I miss and love her. I just want her to be painfree and happy again. Hopefully that she is in a place beautiful and with my dad and other close family members who have passed on. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Be sure all insurance things are taken care of re: beneficiary and that forms are completed as you wished or thought. Re-check if you are not positive. We had a situation with that where my mom thought something would be paid for when she passed on, but it was only for when she was sick that they paid for it. I think it was a tricky clause. It's important that the dying get their wishes what ever they may be, if realistic of course. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I love life, so I'm sure I would be depressed if this were to happen anytime soon. But I feel more at ease, because I really try to believe that I will be with her and my dad again some day. That will be a beautiful reunion. It makes it much easier to think about death when I think of it that way and not the actual occurence of death. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Going through my mother's things, pictures and momentos. I read old cards she had given me and I had given her. I always cry, but I feel that it's part of the process and in the long rung makes me feel better than holding it all in. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People reading helps What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Just talking about it, really helps. Not feeling like you are being a burden or talking too much about it. You should be able to talk freely to a friend or someone even if it's redundant. Talk or even writing in a journal about your feelings really helps. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I think this questionnaire is very helpful. It makes you think of all that you have gone through. Even the small details. I hope it will help your study. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jul 23 07:30:49 1998 F25 in South Orange, New Jersey =USA= Name: Lisa - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Other: ] Prof/Studies: Campus Minister - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 7 ago. Cause of Death: a kidney illness; Aged: 48. --Details: I knew that he was sick, but since my parents were divorced, I didn't see him a lot. I last saw him in July (for my birthday) and he died in early October. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end - the person's body no longer functions at all and their soul is no longer present. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I wasn't badly affected by it until afterward - like when I went to visit her house. --That first time, how it happened was My grandmother's sister, Phyllis (whom we called "Aunt Tootsie") died of lung cancer after four months. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: being in shock and being angry, because I didn't get to spend any time with my father before he died. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: to not be so dramatic and overly demonstrative - to have respect for people who choose to express their grief in a more quiet manner. (my family is Italian) --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: seeing members of the family I hadn't seen at my dad's funeral, and meeting the friends about whom I'd always heard funny stories. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: talking to God and to friends, quiet time, mourning by myself. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: questioning what happens after you die (i.e. if there's a Heaven,reincarnation, etc.) --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: am a lot more like my dad than I thought I was before he died. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: my mother was telling me how to act. She was actually telling me I was cold and heartless because I didn't cry, or else she would tell me when to approach the casket. She would command me to go and comfort other people too. I just wanted to be by myself. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: life doesn't just stop when there's a death - though grief is the primary emotion, the others are still there, and there's nothing wrong with laughing. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: drive up to my father's apartment and visit him while he was sick. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: talk to my dad on the phone a few days before he died. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: people whom I considered only acquaintances, whom I'd only just met, came to my dad's viewing. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: "getting it all out" during the wake and the funeral - like screaming and crying and wailing. For me, although this is common practice in my family when someone dies, it wasn't necessary. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I'm currently planning my wedding (which will take place next March) and when I realize my dad isn't here to take part in it. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... pretty much the same, only my father would be a more major part of my life. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... My mom was very manipulative when it came to how much time I spent with my dad. She discouraged me from visiting him on my own, from staying with him overnight, or from associating with his side of the family before AND after he died. I don't think this was fair. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could be dead for just a day, just to see what comes after. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I distanced myself from it, just tried to get on with my life as much as possible - only dealing with my grief as it surfaced. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: a ritualized form of saying our last good-byes. Also, I went on a retreat two months after my dad's death, and at that point, I found my own faith again. --Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: comforting. Death is something that's going to happen to all of us, and I think it's that commonality that helps to bind us as people. --Regarding MONEY: my mother had to control all the money, even the inheritance that I received. In her grief, she became like a total control freak (even more so than usual). --Regarding the FUNERAL: most people were relaxed - at some points it wasn't that different than any other family gathering. People were talking, laughing, and meeting others. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: looking at the person's body and realizing that they just weren't there - as though the body was just some kind of shell that the person crawled out of. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: don't let ANYONE tell you how to grieve or tell anyone else how THEY should grieve. It's an individual thing, and people cope with grief differently. --RE: Near Death Experiences: My grandmother was hospitalized for complications from a hysterectomy, and she was in a coma. During this time, her heart stopped and she saw the white light and talked to her mother (who had been dead for four years at this point). She saw a playground full of children, and her mom told her "The kids need you." Then she came back, came out of the coma, and was able to tell my grandfather what had happened in the room when she "died." --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I would like to believe that my father knew I loved him, even though I was often very confused by my parents' stormy relationship. --If we were to visit one last conversation... Actually, I have had quite a few dreams that I'm talking to my father, telling him about everything that's going on in my life, and equally I'm curious about the afterlife, and in my dreams, I ask him questions too. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Besides a will (for the large things I own), I would like to make a list of who gets which of my small cherished belongings. --Any thoughts about your own death?: At this point, if I knew I was dying, I'd be very angry. I have a lot in my life that I would not want to leave behind - my fiance, family, friends, and education. I definitely think I have a lot to live for, and I think I would have a hard time accepting my own death. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I did a lot of reflecting and journaling, and wrote a lot of poetry while I was grieving. I even wrote a song about life after death. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I found it interesting that after my father's death, I started becoming far more independent from my mother. To this day, my value on personal freedom is the most significant impact my father's death had on me. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Most of the time, my friends just ignored me when I'd start talking about my dad and how much I missed him. They'd basically make fun of me, or hand me a counselor's phone number. But we were only teenagers - I think they just didn't know how to deal with it. I think it would have been helpful if they'd talked about their own experiences with death. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Basically it just helped me reflect a little bit on how I feel about death. I go through periods when I'm terrified of it. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jul 23 06:58:07 1998 Nonymous Guest F19 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 5 yrs ago. Cause of Death: hart attack; Aged: 69. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a lady that comes and brings relief into our painful existances. its quit and wise never in hurry. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was my grandmom diyed.of a hartattack at our place.. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could die --Religious Affiliation: catholic - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 22 20:45:36 1998 F22 in Conway, Arkansas =United States= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] I am doing a research project for my senior sociology class. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Sociology major - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 months ago. Cause of Death: Heart disease and annurism; Aged: 62. --Details: It was a (seemingly) slow process in which he was hospitalized for a few days, went into a coma, was pronounced "brain-dead", and taken off of the respirator and life support systems. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the cessation of life functions. There is no longer a being. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I tried to ignore it. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My great grandmother died. I was in the sixth grade. I had a tonsilectomy the day before, so I got to stay at home by my self while everyone else went to the funeral. I was not very close to her. She died of natural causes. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: we were glad that he did not have to suffer any longer than he did, but, we were dissappointed because he left us when he did. We wished that he could have been with us just a little longer. --What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is: not to have the stiff upper lip syndrome. Other cultures are more accepting of death. It is seen as a part of the life cycle. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: people that are in pain aren't any longer. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: nothing. I was my own support. I was also everyone elses support. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: seeing and sharing the pain of those that were mourning around me. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: feeling the love and peace are very important. You can also feel good about helping the dying person with their death work. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: Someone very young died. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I try to keep a sense of humor about everything. This is hard in this situation because others think that I am disrespectful. I am just trying to help them and take some of the pressure off of their minds. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: tell the dying person how special that they had been to me. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: the traditional three faced funeral. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... It wouldn't, really. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that good people have to die and bad people get to whatever they want. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could change everything. Go back in time and change one or two little things. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I found out that my 20 year old brother-in-law had an accident and was dead. It was hard to process until I was actually around the rest of my family and was forced to face the facts. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: they really don't do anything except prolong the dying process. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing. --Religious Affiliation: current- non-religious. Past- christian --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I am in a bind on what to think, personally. I have two options: 1) we just die and rot in the ground(man's biggest fear) or 2) we ahve a spirit and it is made of energy that is recycled into the universe when our life functions cease. --Regarding MONEY: money was already taken care of in our family. Each case had life insurance. The money was taken out for a modest funeral and the remainder was given to the closest relative. We are not a wealthy family so there was no inheritance to divy. --Regarding the FUNERAL: White people don't like to attend funerals. I wish that more people would come to services for the dead. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: having to plan a funeral for my brother-in-law. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : weight loss, need to do their death work, and finalizing things. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: everyone is different. For me, I like to be there for others and grieve myself in private, like a good little white person. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I don't know of any. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I would like for everyone to know how much that they are loved. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would probably be level headed and try to be inquisitive( did I spell that right) about the death. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: The family has the ultimate decision over choices regardless of the deceased person's wishes. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I have taken a sociology class on death and dying and we were forced to face our impending death. I know that most other people avoid their death. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I think that all people should face death sooner than later. It should become a part of American society. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 22 09:39:23 1998 F27 in Richmond, VA =USA= Name: Michelle Web: JuiceyLove-at-yahoo.com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Program Support Techician - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 25 ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 34. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the harvest of God into the kingdom of love, peace, joy, and happiness. For those remaining on this earth we should be jealous of the ones chosen to rise before the creator and live within his domaine. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was three years old. I wasn't there at the actual site of death but as I lay asleep that night at my Aunts house I had a dream. The dream entailed those who were with my Father in his last moments and the expression on his face. My Mother holding his hand and weeping and then someone spoke that he had past. When my Aunt awoke me that morning she began to tell me that my Father had past and I interupted her and told her I already knew. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was it was my father who died of cancer when I was three years old. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The most recent death was last Sept 9, of my second Father, Bo. I remember the roll he had played in my son's lives. He meant so much to the three of us, due to the absence of my son's Father and my Father. How he used to calm my first son in arms so naturally and how much of an influence his early introductions to the sports world has affected my son. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: the unneccesary, untimely deaths that are occuring to the young people of today due to their hands, not from the Lords. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: At this moment I can not recall any gifts given to me after the passing of those in my life personally. The gift was to them as they were welcomed into the palace. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my love of God --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the feeling of not being able to share future experiences and thoughts with that individual. When my cousin committed sucide in April of last year it was how people always misunderstood his cries for help. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: Never loose through laughter what you gain through pain. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: tell Bo that I loved him more. Found my cousin and communicated with him more. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: survive each day that the Lord blesses me with. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I would have a better foundation to stand on. Many things that have occured in my life would have never happened. I probably would have never chosen the mate that I have and wouldn't be getting a divorce. My career would mostly be more successful. My views and values of men would be extremely different. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that all my friends who have had that male role model in their lives are happily married and I am not. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could sit and talk with them all. Hold them in my arms. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was still sad. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: I was never influenced by the medical field directly related to the deaths of my loved ones. I currently work for a Pastoral CAre department within a major hospital and the cases are intense. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: never had it --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: somewhat of a closure. --Religious Affiliation: Baptist, but I blieve the churches today are full of hypocrics therefore I worship my Lord alone. --Regarding the FUNERAL: with Bo the funeral home did not close his casket fully. He was in the military therefore at the gravesite there were soldiers. The lid was not closed all the way and everyone seen it. To me it has just stuck out in my thoughts. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: the preparation of the body --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I believe that Bo knew it was his time. In the last weeks of his life he was doing things out of character. It was almost as though he was making his rounds in saying good bye to those he loved. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: The only way I think I will ever resolve my issues is the day I might be welcomed home by the Lord. Then I will be able to embrace my loved ones. Meet the Father I barely knew. Only then will I understand and accept his reasoning for the departures of these great men from my life. --If we were to visit one last conversation... All three deaths have had an impact on my life. Each one would be a totally intense and meaningful conversation. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I often think of those that will attend my funeral. How the services will be performed, what will be said by those passing by my casket. I will only regret leaving my children behind. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System some say I am still dealing with the grief and that is why my "relationships" with men are so difficult What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage having my father not be available for me throughout my life for guidance --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I sent poems, pamphlets, information, books, videos and any bereavement material I could to those affected by death. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I know I need to resolve some very deep issues I have about my fathers death and those that have followed in order to achieve a healthy life for myself. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 22 01:00:01 1998 F24 in bombay, maharashtra =india= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 yrs ago. Cause of Death: sudden illness; Aged: 73. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: never getting to see that person again --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I cried, but did not understand --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...it was a very close relative --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: is the atmosphere --What I think my (india) culture needs to better learn about death is: ---------- --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: ------------- --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: family --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: facing the fact that i would never see them again. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: -------- --[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: --------- --The most confusing point of death for me was when: i realised that it strikes when least expected --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: everytime I did I reminded myself that I should not be. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: meet my grandma before she died --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: talk to my family about the fear. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: i came back home. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: ---------------- --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: i have a dream --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... ------------- --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that there was no warning --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could not have it happen to me again --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I fared for everyone else i loved --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: ----------- --Regarding HOSPICE etc: ---------- --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: too tough --Religious Affiliation: hindu --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: ---------- --Regarding MONEY: ----------------------------- --Regarding the FUNERAL: it was too public --The weirdest part of it all to me was: being ashamed of not being able to feel and fear that i was feeling unaffected for a while --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : inner knowledge --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: the reality set in only after 8 months --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': -------- --RE: Near Death Experiences: -------------------- --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: ---------- --If we were to visit one last conversation... dont know --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: ----------- --Any thoughts about your own death?: i am not scared of my own death === --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: ------------- --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? i worry a lot - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Denial What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: -------------------- - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - yes, it was moving ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jul 19 22:13:08 1998 F50 in Ottawa, Ontario =Canada= Name: Catherine Platt - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Other: ] Prof/Studies: criminology student/retired from work - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 1/2yrs ago. Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 82. --Details: crisis medical treatment that caused complications. Father could no longer speak, eat and had difficulty breathing through trach tube. Slow, frustrating death over 6 months. Father`s family doctor said at the time of death that he did not know that my father was this ill and apologized for not have pallative care available. Visited hospital every day to try and feed Dad and to act as his voice with nurses and Doctors. In and out of hospital for last 6 months. Immediate family and priest gathered at his bedside to attend his passing. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a passage, a shift from mortal to spirit. No longer able to feel the rain or share human comforts and friendships. The spirit of the deceased remains close to their loved ones for some time after death. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I My grandmother died when I was sixteen. She was more a mother to me. She lived next door to me for sixteen years. Late one night she took ill and had to be rushed to the hospital. She was 67. I went to her bedside before the ambulance arrived to take her to the hospital. She was very upset that I was there and had me leave. She said it was no place for me to be. I saw her again in hospital with an oxygen tent. I brushed her hair. She died the next day when I was in school. I got the news at school and went home. I could not find transpotation to the hospital. Her funeral was a few days later. The thing I remember was how very well she looked in the hospital the day before she died. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...telephone call from relatives. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the light that filled the room just before his death. I was the only one of the family that could see it. Dad died with his face turned toward the light. I remember Dad`s breathing when the doctor disconnected the respirator. I remember the color of his skin before and after death. I remember his smell. I remember each family member`s reaction. My brother brought his 1 year old daughter with him. I told him and his wife that this was no place for a baby. I remember my family doctor coming to the hospital room to see my mother and me (she worked at the hospital) and had admitted my father. I remember having to deal with Dad`s doctor in order to make sure the death certificate relected the relationship to his war injuries pensions....so my mother could receive a pension from Veteran`s Affairs. I remember having to pick out the casket with my brother and a burial plot with my sister. I remember being the only family member volunteering to take care of all the related paperwork and business around the death. I remember being terrified at night listening to my husband`s breathing for months after...afraid that he would also die. His breathing just as he drifted off to sleep at times reminded me of the breathing of my Dad at the end. I remember my employer demanding I return to work because I had organized a conference of 60 people that was taking place a few days after the funeral. I remember the insensitivity of my co-workers and employer. I remember my mother`s grief and helplessness after 60 years of marriage. --What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is: to stop hiding death in institutions. Care should be provided to allow seniors to die in their homes with their families. Death is a natural process and not one to be spoken of in hush voices or worse...not at all. Doctors and nurses need sensitivity training to terminally ill patients and their families. Respect and dignity be provided to people dying. The financial cost of burying family keeps rising. Government should regulate the burial merchants. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my husband`s love and walks out in nature. Private conversations with spiritualists (not clergy) also helped greatly. I must have read about 20 books on death and dying afterwards to try and understand. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the daily helplessness of watching my Dad deteriorate. To watch my Dad`s helplessness at not being able to speak or communicate his needs to medical staff and family. It was painful for him to even drink water. To be the family rock, the strong one, throughout the process. To watch death approach and not be able to stop it. To watch my mother`s helplessness. I did not know I would miss him this much. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Respect and dignity. Be there for the dying person and not for yourself. Give the dying person what they ask for, be it even a drink of water. Stay with the body for a small time after the death. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: at the moment of death and the light left. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: speak to my Dad alone before he died and to stay with the body longer after the point of death and not to have rushed the funeral arrangements within 3 days. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: take care of the business attached to dying and to fight for my mother`s pensions. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I see Dad`s traits in other people in passing. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... to not have the money to care for my Dad in his home. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: confusion. The medical community was not consistent. It came down to personalities, sensitivity and availability of services. It was very kind of the family doctors to be there at the time of death. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: a lot. It was important for my Dad to receive the last sacrament from a priest and to have a Catholic burial. --Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I agree there is a common link of spirit in all deaths. A senior citizen patient on Dad`s hospital floor came in with her wheelchair and said prayers at the foot of my father`s bed before his death. We did not know this woman and she did not speak English, yet she knew he was dying. My Dad`s cat knew..he wondered around the house and yard meowing and lost. --Regarding MONEY: It was a matter of survival for my mother to fight for pensions from Veteran`s Affairs and CPP. There was no insurance, RRSP or savings. They were poor. --Regarding the FUNERAL: the respect and dignity by the morticians. The love of my father`s relatives, friends and neighbours that travelled to attend the funeral. How quickly time seemed to pass. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: Being haunted. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : The "glow" a day or two before death...kind of like an aura. Breathing. Color. Temperature of hands and feet. The change in the life in the eyes. Dreams. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: the grieving process is ongoing. It is natural. No-one can make it better or take the pain away. Sharing helps. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: Lots of unresolved issues. No-one can help. It is a journey I have to make alone. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: It is important to have a living will and to take care of wills and power of attorneys early in life. It is also important to have insurance to cover the cost and not to burden loved ones. People should have the right to die in their own homes. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I have had a strong death wish since 18. I believe it is important to know if I am dying. My own death I would view as a relief from a difficult life. Yes, I would be terrified and yes I would miss some parts of living, like the feel of the rain on my face. Death is the one wish I know I will get eventually. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Visiting the grave site after the tomb stone was in place. The death did not seem final until that time. To see my Dad`s name on the stone made a difference. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: Pallative care a few months prior to the death would have been helpful. Someone to talk to about the frustrations and to get advice to make sure everything was done right. To understand from someone with experience with the process. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Very emotional. The questionnaire was o.k. I don`t think there is a way to ask these types of questions without causing some kind of emotional response that words cannot tell. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jul 19 19:30:23 1998 F15 in Dearborn, MI =US= Name: Kristen Email: <ksgdawg-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: High School Sophmore - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 5yrs ago. Cause of Death: Diabetes, Lung Cancer, etc.; Aged: 47. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: A painful loss of someone whom you knew or cared about. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Was devastated --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my very close aunt passed away while I was on vacation in Bosston. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Not eating or talking, or doing anything for that matter. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Trying to accept that they are no longer with you. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jul 18 12:27:32 1998 F20 in Cooper City, Florida =USA= Email: <willow2052-at-aol.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] alta vista - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 yrs ago. Cause of Death: heart failer; Aged: 74. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of our existance. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I lost all faith in religion --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... I was five and my friend died of Lukemia. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the emptiness i felt. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: what exactly happens after we die. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: It put my grandfather out of his misery --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my music, and my family. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: It made me think about my own death --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Let them tell you what they need to, don't interupt, let them get it out. --[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: now belive death is just another step. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: everyone was in mourning --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more time with my grandfather --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: say goodbye to him. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: he actually said the word goodbye. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: the funeral --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: i hear a certain song. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I only remeber my grandfather as sick, so he would be heathy and he would call me his special nickname for me and we would sit and talk for hours. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... he didn't have to die, why couldn't somebody else take his place. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could just know what deathis. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cried. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: anger. It was thier fault he died, they didn't do the correct things for him. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: a little soothing, not much --Religious Affiliation: Jewish --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: very true --Regarding the FUNERAL: everybody loved him, everybody had a special story to tell about him. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: trying to accept it even happened --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: it just takes time. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would want to know what death is. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: how your family will take care of your body --Any thoughts about your own death?: i would be petrified. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I just talked about him whenevr i could and tried to get more information on him, not just as my grandfather but as a person. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out I try not to think about it What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other: I was scared to "death" pardon the pun --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: For people to stop apologizing to me and just be my friend. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - interesting ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jul 17 23:14:48 1998 F29 in Los Angeles, CA =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] was looking up psychology sites in Yahoo and found this one - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: screenwriter working as a receptionist - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 22 yrs ago. Cause of Death: breast cancer; Aged: 36. --Details: My mother had breast cancer even before I was born and lived until I was 7 years old. Of the 8 deaths in my life (so far), the most recent was my cousin Bill, who was only a year older than me, 8 years ago. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: something so feared that it cannot be talked about. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was a young child, in Montessori school (kindergarten age). This particular experience did not make me afraid of death -- at Catholic school when I was about 6 or 7, my friends and I would find dead animals (usually squirrels) and bury them with full funerals and honors. --That first time, how it happened was My best friend, Thomas, died of pneumonia when I was 5 years old. His mother came into our Montessori school class to explain things to us. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how important my father helped make me feel by allowing me to plan some of the details of my mother's funeral: I got to pick the flowers (roses and daisies) and the psalm read at the service (the 23rd). --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it is inevitable. Every death is treated as a surprise, even when it's (as a recent example) a sickly 85-year-old man like Frank Sinatra. People seem to think that not only will they not die, but that if they themselves are good, no one they love will die. Ever. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: my aunt Ginny and her new husband Dave took my older brother Jack, my cousin Bill and myself on a cross-country trip the summer after my mother died (right after my aunt Theresa's wedding). It allowed my brother and I to have some time away from our father (who was really shattered by my mother's death) and gave us some happy memories for around that time. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my friends. One of the reasons I still struggle with my mother's death is that, three years later, after my father's remarriage, we moved to another town where I didn't know anyone, and it was extremely awkward to try to explain that my parents were not divorced, and that my mother was dead. I was like a plague carrier to some kids when they found that out. I think that some of my childhood friends from that time are still confused about my family relationships, partly because I call my stepmother "Mom." --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: that there was no one except my brother who understood what I was going through. At the time (1977) I doubt that there was grief counseling for a child my age (7, turning 8) but it might have been helpful. --[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: have never forgotten my mother, even though I love my stepmother very much. By not talking about my mother, though, it sometimes feels like I abandoned her. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I started dreaming about my mother -- not that she was still alive, but that she was in an afterlife. It was very difficult to wake up from these dreams and realize that I would not, in fact, talk to my mother again. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say goodbye. Though I think I understand now that my mother never really thought she was going to die, I still wish she (or my father) had been able to prepare me a little better. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: kind of acknowledge and move on. It helped that I was surrounded by people who had known my mother -- it made it much easier and they were all very empathetic. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I do something that I know my mother would have been proud of. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I talk often with my therapist about how things might have been different. My mother was very accepting of me as an individual with my own ideas and tastes, and I feel that I would not have as difficult a time expressing my creativity had she lived. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that no one else's mother seems to die. Now I know that having a dead mother is such a stigma that most people can't come out and talk about it -- it's much too threatening to people. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could turn the clock back. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I I can't remember when it really hit me. Because of my friend Thomas having died a couple of years before, I think I had a more complete understanding of death than most children my age. So I understood pretty much from the beginning that death was final and that I wasn't going to see my mother again. And my father's policy of avoidance did not help. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: that they did everything they could with the knowledge they had at the time. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Father Kelly from the local church. My father felt like the church was no help at all, and he stopped going. He did let me have a religious education, though, and I was confirmed, etc. in the Catholic church. --Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic -- I hardly ever go to church, but no other religion appeals to me. --Regarding MONEY: my brother and I received Social Security checks until we were eighteen. We were paid for our mother's death, and that money paid for college and still supports me to an extent. --Regarding the FUNERAL: again, that being allowed to participate was very comforting. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: how accepting I was when I was awakened in the middle of the night and was told my mother died. My grandmother said that my mother had gone to heaven, my aunt asked me if I understood, and I just nodded and went back to bed. --Any thoughts about your own death?: One of my big struggles right now is to overcome my fatalism -- so many people have died in my lifetime that it's been difficult for me to live my life since I know that either I could die at any moment or one of my loved ones could. Some people cope by living life to the full; I've avoided life, hoping that I could duck death. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time Thomas' family allowed us small children to be very participatory in the funeral, etc., which helped a lot What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other: The death of my mother from breast cancer, only two years after my bes Not including my mother, I have had 7 relatives die (grandfather, grandmother, aunt, uncle, and 3 cousins). It seemed like just as I was getting over one, another would happen, even - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? In your questions about the paranormal, you didn't ask about visits that we may have felt we received from the dead person after their death (as I read them, they seemed to deal with near-death experiences). I had a very comforting dream soon after my mother's death where I was able to talk to her one last time and say some of the unsaid things, and I felt (and still feel) that it was not just a dream. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jul 16 19:37:08 1998 F14 in , PA =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Link on a survey page. I love to take surveys. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 1/2yrs ago. Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 73. --Details: Very, very suddenly. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when someone we know or don't know doesn't exist anymore. They never come back. We don't know where they go. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was a pre-teen. Most of this information is above. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... My Dad's friend, who he grew up with in his childhood. This woman's daughter wanted me to come to her mother's funeral for support. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: My Aunt Tracey crying uncontrolably the whole time. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: they are free now. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: crying. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: They are no longer here to smell the scent of, to hold, to hug, to kiss, to talk to, to taste their cooking, to hear their voice..... --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: I'll never forget you. You are a beautiful person. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: Why couldn't she live longer? --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Tell her how much I loved her and how I loved her for one of many reasons being: Bringing my wonderful father into this world so that he could have me. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Share the experience with my family. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: My aunt and I played a piano duet. It was one of her favorite songs. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: someone mentions her or someone else mentions something about their grandmother. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... I didn't get to say "goodbye". --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Reach up to "heaven" and pull her back down here. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: almost nothing. --Religious Affiliation: Methodist? Is that what your talking about? --Regarding the FUNERAL: Its location. Where she grew up. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: Not having my grandfather there because he had already passed away. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Making everyone you know how important they are to you. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I'd be happy and sad. If I knew I was to die very soon, I'd go and kill a certain person that put me through *hell*. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Everyone has to die sometime. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying The whole funeral thing inside the church. Seeing the family members full of sadness. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: A hug. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Depressing. I don't think it was helpful at all. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jul 16 13:05:33 1998 F35 in Denver, Colorado =United States of America= Name: F.Sinel Email: <FSinel-at-AOL.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Attorney - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 22 years ago. Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 76. --Details: Series of strokes, culminating in last massive one--she never woke up again. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: usually when one's body wears out and there is a failure in one or more of the body's systems which is severe enough that the body cannot continue to live. Death also occurs when one or more of those life-sustaining systems fails due to intentional or accidental infliction of damage by an external source (e.g. automobile accident, shooting, etc.) --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was very rageful, but I also cried a lot and cursed God for taking my grandmother away from me. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I was sick at home (by myself--my mother had gone to pick up some medicine for me) with the flu, and I was about 13 years of age, when my father called me from the hospital where my grandmother had just died. I cried for hours --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how I was supposed to be strong and "just accept it" because there was nothing I could do about it. Having to deal with that attitude caused me to not be able to grieve properly. --What I think my (United States of America) culture needs to better learn about death is: We can intellectualize away the fact that we're powerless to do anything once someone dies, but we need to realize that intellect and emotions do not run on the same track, and even if we have it all figured out mentally, we still have to follow our emotions so we may reasonably grieve. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: my conviction that death is not the end of life was strengthened, because I always felt that my grandmother was near me after she died. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my father's support. He did not hide his grieving from me as much as I expected him to, and his example taught me that it's okay to grieve --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: believing that God must be pretty damn cruel to make people so disposable, particularly after I came to love my grandmother so much. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Call and write to my grandmother more often. Even though I thought about her a lot, I should have let her know it. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: stop hating God for taking my grandmother --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: getting over it as quickly as possible (which results in sweeping the death under the rug far to quickly) --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I don't know --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that God has made us disposable --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could ask God to explain the purpose for the limitations on our lives, and what sense there is in separating us from those whom we love --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: when an old person's body wears out, medical competency is not a huge requirement. Pain relief to facilitate a smooth passing is really all that can be done --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: that my grandmother would go to heaven and that I would see her again if I went to heaven, too --Regarding MONEY: actually, money didn't play into it. What was more important to all of us was to be able to own something that my grandmother treasured, which was perhaps our way of keeping her near, at least by way of reminders. My most treasured possession is a marble Pieta that my grandmother loved. It's not really worth anything money-wise, but it is the first thing I'd take out of my house if it was on fire. --Regarding the FUNERAL: I didn't go to my grandmother's funeral because I was sick, and it was in Canada, but I did go to my Uncle Bob's funeral in 1983. I learned there that regardless of the circumstances, when my family gets together, regardless of the lapse in time, it's as if we just saw each other the day before. And, we have this uncanny ability to make each other feel better with love and laughter (and sometimes too much wine) --The weirdest part of it all to me was: My uncle looked plastic and unreal. I couldn't really connect with the fact that he was dead because he looked like something out of wax museum --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : when someone deteriorates and then seems to give up or accept the impending death, there's nothing anyone can do. I think that when people believe it is their time, it's because it's something inside us that tells us that it's time --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: most people feel so utterly helpless because they want the dying person to fight for life, usually much more than the dying person wants to fight or is capable of fighting. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I've always had a feeling that my grandfather, who died 3 months before I was born, came to get my grandmother. I have visions of this, and I think this is what she wanted when she accepted that it was her time to go --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: No unresolved issues --If we were to visit one last conversation... I'd like to know what their existence is like, whether they are happy, whether my feeling that I can still talk to them and hear them is not my imagination, what the purpose is of death, what the ultimate purpose is in these transitions, etc. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Same answer as above. Observers of someone who is dying usually put their needs above the wishes of the person dying, and cannot recognize when the dying person is ready to go. The observers sometimes fight more vigorously for the person to stay alive than the dying person is capable of, or willing to do. --Any thoughts about your own death?: It scares me (to death!), but it also does not scare me. I would feel awful because of how my death would affect those who love me, and I would also feel bad that I would not accomplish so many things that I have put off in my life. I would maximize my time with my family, and would probably spend most of my time giving comfort rather than receiving it, because I feel helpless when people feel sorry for me. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I imagine that I'm having a conversation with the person who died so that I can comfort myself in knowing that that person can still see me, hear me, and love me, and it helps me keep my belief that death is not an absolute end, but a means by which to get to another place in existence. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? When I think of people who have died, I like to think of what they would tell me about what they would like to do after death, and that they are accomplishing thinks far greater and more rewarding to them than they could accomplish while alive. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Rage What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: With my family, we have a pretty good ability to share funny stories about the person who died, and to even imagine out load what that person would be saying while looking down and watching us at the funeral or any gathering brought about by the death. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It was useful. It made me see more clearly that I could easily be one of those people who would insist that the dying person fight harder without realizing that the dying person didn't want to fight to live anymore. Because I would want that respect if I were dying, I realize that I need to put my needs and wishes secondary to the wishes of the person who ultimately faces the death--the person who is dying. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jul 16 12:36:49 1998 F17 in Largo, Maryland =United States of America= Name: Nicole Yvonne Brown Email: <nbrown-at-blm.gov> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Student/Gov. Intern - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 1/2 yrs. ago. Cause of Death: Seizures that led to a heart attack; Aged: 43. --Details: At the age of fifteen, my daddy had an anurism and had to have brain surgery. He was the first Black man to ever survive the type of surgery he had. The doctor's said that all he had to do to help himself recover was to take it easy. Unfortunaltely, he was hit in the head a few months later. This caused him 28 years of seizures. He died on January 29, 1997. His seizure was abnormal that morning. We found out later that all of those years of seizures put a strain on his heart. He had a heart attack and died shortly after. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: ...going home. We are all put on this Earth by God for a purpose. When your task is completed, your soul leaves your body and you go back to be with Him. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I ...cried like a baby. I was so scared of dying. But then I thought about how people always said that we are only here for a short amount of time. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... It was my uncle's death that I experienced first. He was stabbed to death. They thought he was going to pull through just fine. It was his girlfriend who stabbed him. She came into the hospital room to see her. He saw her, got angry, and that caused a heart attack. That's what made it so difficult for the family for deal with. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: ...sadness and shock. My daddy died so suddenly. He made it seem that no matter how many seizures he had, he was going to fight them all off. --What I think my (United States of America) culture needs to better learn about death is: You don't live forever. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: ...the support we got from everybody, even the people who didn't know him very well. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Prayer. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Excepting and believing the fact that your loved one is gone, although you will see them again in Heaven. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Think about that person. I don't believe that they would want you to cry because they are not suffering anymore. You may cry because you miss them, and that's OK. --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Pulled through it easier than I thought I would. I always knew that day would come, but I didn't know when or how I would survive it. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I don't recall. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: NONE --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: ...see him before he died. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Make it to his funeral. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: NONE --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: NONE --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I see something to remind me of him. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I don't know. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... I don't have those thoughts --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Just die myself. I just have to keep praying. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was still sad because he was gone, but I was glad he wasn't suffering anymore and that he was with the Lord. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: They did the best they could. --Religious Affiliation: Christian Background --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I agree with that statement. --Regarding MONEY: I didn't --Regarding the FUNERAL: Getting through it without anybody loosing there minds. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: Accepting it. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : I don't know. I was asleep when my daddy died so I didn't get to see him. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I don't know about him, but the closest thing I can tell you was the dream my mother had the morning he died. She siad that the whole family, me, her, daddy, and my brother, were sitting on the coach and my dad was moving away from us into this big bright light. We were all crying. My dad didn't want to go but he had to. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: If we had any issues to resolve, we resolved them at the time of conflict. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would just tell him how much I missed him and tell him that we are fine and about all of the things, good and bad, that have happened since he's been gone. --Any thoughts about your own death?: It would kind of scare me to know when I'm going to die. I would have to prepare myself to go. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Prayer. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? None to my knowledge. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I think it is very good. It could help people cope with death a little better. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 15 22:07:16 1998 F18 in Huntsville, Alabama == Email: <greyanna-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Yahoo - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: student: Chemical Engineering - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 yr ago. Cause of Death: Old age; Aged: 92?. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: is a change in perception of our world. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was very young and was not even around when it happened --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandmother fell down the steep basement stair and lapsed into a coma. She eventually died, still comatose. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Many things were happening at once, including finishing school and multiple deaths --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: not to fear it --Religious Affiliation: agnostic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: universal. Death is universal, no one can escape it. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Other: I was too young to really know what it meant ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 15 18:38:46 1998 F15 in , =US= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] just found it - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 2 years ago. Cause of Death: being put to sleep; Aged: 4. --Details: I felt that I could have prevented this death in so many ways....but I never did. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the cycle of life --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was extrememly sad --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Me crying so much for weeks....even now I still do --What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is: that life goes on --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: they arent suffering anymore. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: the passage of time --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Knowing that I could have prevented it --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: to help them understand that they will always live on in my memories. --[My dog's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Realized that he is not suffering any longer and that he will always live on in my heart. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I couldn't understand why I never stopped my parents from taking him to the vet --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I was in a strange stage of temporarity insanity --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: stop my parents from taking him to the vet --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Realize that he is no longer in pain --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I saved all of his things...and even remembered his smell. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I'm having a shitty day --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... He would either be suffering still....or be all better and happy --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that nothing good ever happens to me....and when it does....it's a crock of shit. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could turn back time --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I would never see them or touch them again --Regarding HOSPICE etc: I never looked at him any other way. I loved him even more --Regarding the FUNERAL: the corpse --The weirdest part of it all to me was: That I let something I truly loved go....even when I didnt want to --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: time heals everything --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I think his spirit is still in this house --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: My dog --Any thoughts about your own death?: Don't grieve for me because I will be better off where I am and I will be even happier. I will also be with you always, even if I am not here now. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Just kept the memories locked inside my heart - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jul 14 20:29:17 1998 M54 in montreal, =canqda= Web: http://WWW. psychoservices-at-sprint.ca - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago. Aged: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...WHen I was 5, my sister and I were raised by a catholic priest. He visited sick and dea persons ( in Belgium, at the time, dead person stayed in their beds athome) I assited the priest with the ceremony at the church. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Other: almost died when 19. First I was very mad. Later, I felt peaceful. Why? I don't know What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jul 14 13:09:32 1998 F25 in Greenville, MI =USA= Email: <cfrens-at-montcalmcenter.org> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Social Work - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, yrs ago. Cause of Death: medical complications; Aged: 66. --Details: This person went in to have a hernia operation, last I heard she was upbeat and doing ok. I find out a week later she died while recovering at home. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of life as we know it. We are no longer able to talk and be around our loved ones. We enter a new part of life, possibly in heaven, where we will all be together when we die. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was shocked and did not believe it. I felt helpless and upset that I did not do anything to stop it. That I had let the person down, and that they let themselves die regardless of the fact I loved them. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...a friend told me an former friend of mine was dead --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: we were all so shocked we could not believe it. We called around to the family and funeral home hoping it was someone else who had passed away. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: not the worst thing that can happen to a person. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: my feelings of guilt over a friend's death made me realize I had to dedicate my life to helping others deal with difficult times. I has lead me to the career I have today. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: God was the only support I had. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: my parents could care less about someone they did not know, and my friends felt I dwell on it too much. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: we will always be together as you will live on in my heart --[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: turned a tragic thing into a goal for my own life - to help others before things get too bad. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I have no physical proof the death occurred. I have to see the body to believe it. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: the person who passed on would not want me to remain sad, but would want me to laugh, if I had something to laugh about. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: call her one more time, pray for her one more time, tell her what a wonderful person she really is. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: tell other people what happened, even when I did not want to believe it myself --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I think I'll see the person again, and realize they are gone --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... it wouldn't have changed my life any --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that good people have to die --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could go back in time and stop them from dying --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I missed the person so much. I became angry that they would die on me. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: the medical community needs to work harder to make sure people aren't sent home from the hospital too soon, even if they are on medicaid, and they need to run more tests. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: that the person was in heaven and doesn't have to suffer any more --Religious Affiliation: Christian Reformed --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: the person who dies is never really gone, they live on in everyone they touched while alive. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: seeing a body without life in it --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : you never know when it could be you --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: it gets better with time, but you never fully forget the loss --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: no unresovled issues, I just wish they would have called me in their time of need. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I know it doesn't make sense that such a thing could happen. Let me know ;if there is anything I can do for you, even if you just need to talk. A friend/relative of .......is a friend of mine. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I hope people think well of me after I die. I hope they will miss me. I don't want people st say they are glad I'm gone. I hope I have made an impact on peoople and would be missed. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: sit around together and discuss what was so wonderful about the person --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? let others know you care before they die, even if a friend is healthy, let them know you care. when a friend is sick, give them one more call, it could be your last. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen I believe in an afterlife What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt I felt I should have done more --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I was there when others needed to talk and I listened to them before spilling my own feelings about the situation. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - it was useful in helping me realize how a work through the grieving process ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jul 13 19:45:44 1998 F35 in Wauwatosa, WI =USA= Name: Theresa - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: surgery scheduler-hospital - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 9 mo ago. Cause of Death: copd/emphysema; Aged: 67. --Details: I was extremely close to my mother all my life, but she was sick for a long time and was suffering terribly.I began distancing myself from her, with my presence and emotionally, because BOTH of us were afraid of how I would go on without her. The last week of her life she spent in the hospital, heavily medicated, and I sat by her side, telling her that if she was ready to go, she should just stop fighting. And when she did, I have to admit that I felt some measure of relief, to know she was finally at peace. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: bewildering. terrifying. an unavoidable process. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I fell apart. It was 1993 and my eldest brother (41) died of cancer. It was horrible to watch someone waste away, but another of my brothers died in 1996 (43) from a brain aneurysm, and I felt like a part of me died, too. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...it was my father, in 1989, when I was 27. I was not close to him (my parents had divorced when I wa very young), so it in no way prepared me for the death of someone I loved. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Speaking of my 43-year old brother, the thing I remember most vividly was how shocking it was (he died on Thanksgiving) and how we were all so devastated. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: My brother worked as a property assessor for the city we live in, and every single person from his office came to the funeral and told us how wonderful he was and what he meant to them. That was so comforting. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: I began seeing a grief therapist and started taking an anti-depressant. Those two things saved me. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: How unprepared I felt for each of their deaths. And what I still find incomprehensible is that I have to live the rest of my life without them. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: I feel my mother was comforted by knowing we were all with her (two daughters, three sons). And one interesting point is that on the day she died, we were all with her, but she waited until the two strongest ones remained before dying! --[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Treasure my memories, good and not so good. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Spend that last week with her. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I Took three tranquilizers to get thru the funeral. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? How well What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jul 13 12:21:03 1998 F53 in Amelia Island, FL =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Consultant and writer,Personal Development - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: On Death and Dying, When Life Becomes Precious, Healing Into Life and Death Recommended Reading-- Writers: Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, Elise Babcock, Stephen Levine - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 6 mos. ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 55. --Details: M was diagnosed in April, 1997 with metastatic cancer of the brain and the spine, primary cancer not located. She asked me to be her emotional support through this time. We spent many hours talking through the stages..anger, guilt....acceptance. She chose to stay at home, a friend and I were her primary caretakers. M. left this plane in November, 1987, but her continued presence is often felt. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of life as we know it here and a transition to another phase of life. Physically, I am much reminded of a locust shell...the life, spirit are gone. The shell remains visible. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was with my Mother after she had a heart attack. We were in a hospital room, she resting comfortably and in no apparent pain as the doctor's continued to evaluate the extent of damage. I watched in amazement as I saw a light emerge from my mother's body and rise. It was probably 30 seconds later that the doctors told me that she had died. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My grandfather died when I was six. Although I saw him frequently, I did not know him well..he was hard of hearing and not big on small children. The most traumatic part of his passing was that the call came through when noone else was at home and I called my father to tell him the news...As I've reflected back over the years, it's seemed odd that there seemed to be no discussion regarding my grandfather's sudden illness...He was just gone! --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the denial that still surrounded so many even after these long months. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: It is not an ending. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: The honest sharing,taking joy and having gratitude for each day. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: The ability to share emotions and feelings, conflicts with a couple of people. Walking by the ocean, maintaining a sense of humor. Knowing that it was o.k. to cry...to feel whatever I was feeling. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Seeing their anguish that people they loved could not face the impending death and communicate. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Encourage the person to talk if they want to. Affirm your love for them. Give them permission to let go and leave. --[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: walked with my friend. We did this thing one day at a time. We prayed and laughed and sang. We cried together. At times we were angry, at God, at circumstances and we let it all hang out! We rejoiced, gave thanks for the blessings of each day (and there were some). We did things/went places that M. wanted to go while she could, without regard for whatever people would say. There were chocolate brownies at mid-night, tea parties at 3 in the morning. There was quiet music, laughter, tears, and above all else, love. There was a quiet knowing that when M. was ready, she would leave. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: There was only one night when M. was in heavy pain. It was a night when the President was landing on this tiny island and the Hospice Nurse couldn't get onto the island to evaluate her problems. There was a bottle of pain medication on the bedside table and there was a short period of time when I could well understand why some may have chosen to give her a handful of pills to end the pain. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I remember one night, about a week before M. died that Carol (fellow caretaker and friend) had given M. a bath, medicine, massage, etc. and started to pray with M. We then did some reading to her and last, but not least, we SANG! We sounded so bad and laughed that if she were feeling better she could jump out of bed and beat on us! She laughed too and we called it a night. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: take M. back to a place that she wished to visit. Even early on she did not have the stamina however and later came into acceptance of that. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: have the time to be with her during those months...to provide spiritual, physical and emotional support...to speak often with her about what was going on with me...tell her that she could go home to God whenever she was ready. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: Each of M's three children finally arrived and she had a chance to talk with each of them individually and collectively. There was a lot of healing that night...for her, I believe, it was a necessary step to going on. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: grandiose plans for the funeral, etc. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I wrote a letter a few weeks ago to Hospice thanking them for the part they played in allowing us to care for M. in the home. I cried. The tears were of loss, of gratitude for the love of so many at that trying time and gratitude for the additional richness of each passing day. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... M. and I both had backgrounds in healing and counselling and planned, by this time, to be working together and using these skills. We may well have been doing that. I am launched into some of those areas now, further enriched by my experience with M. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... And on a life scale, many things aren't. Have you ever heard: "What does God do when He hears your plan for the rest of your life?" He laughs. And so it is, we can plan, put the sail of our lifeboat in the air, but our direction comes from Another. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Not applicable. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I There was never a time like this with M. We had both walked this very long road together and it was her time. Do I miss her..yes. Have I cried...yes but it has not been traumatic. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: There are many things that the medical community can do in this age. Some of those things, particularly with cancer, may prolong life, but detract (not a strong enough word) from the quality of life. The patient must be allowed to make those decisions. M. was told, for example (after radiation) that chemotheraphy would extend her life. As a nurse, she was familiar, however, with what that would do to the little quality of life which remained for her at that time. We talked for several days...I'm sure she pondered and prayed over the decision above and beyond that. She continued in her decision not to enter a regime of chemotheraphy. I believe that just because the medical community has a capability, that doesn't always mean that that is the best way to go for the patient. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: They were WONDERFUL! Everybody, the whole staff. Responsive, informative, patient, understanding, encouraging, realistic. Do you have more time? --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: It's hard to language that. The minister of M's church began visiting during the last several months. Carol, M, and I were all very spiritual. The minister marveled at our faith and told me one day very quietly, how good it was to come and be in our presence. I don't think he quite understood three ladies, so confident in their faith, that weren't taking up church pew space somewhere on Sunday mornings. --Religious Affiliation: Presbyterian, Lutheran, Methodist (past affiliations) --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I think that there is a common link in Spirit off all of us. This transcends a church, a country, etc., but rather is the God nature in each of us, manifested or not. I believe that Death is part of Life, hence, yes, there is common link of Spirit in all Deaths. --Regarding MONEY: Although, initially, it seemed impossible that there would be enough money, there was. Little sums of money arrived or were put in our hands, food was brought. The wonderful generosity of so many! I ate my way through this period of time and my old clothes may be "antiques" before I can get in them again. Seriously though, we all do get what we need. --Regarding the FUNERAL: Funerals are attended by people. Like any other group of people, there are different agendas, different emotional and spiritual groundings and they all come into play. Some BIG TIME! --The weirdest part of it all to me was: That I was so ready for it to occur. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Particularly during her last days, M. seemed to spend time between this plane and the next, sometimes commenting on who was there (departed) and what it was like. Physically, there were noted changes in kidney function and breathing. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: the process of grieving was lessened by the fact that I had the opportunity to process one day at a time, that denial had long since passed away. That Carol and I had come into acceptance as had our friend. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': As I mentioned several questions ago, this was definitely true for M. In addition to what was shared above, on the night when she was in so much pain, she would drift in and out (back and forth from this plane to the next may be a more appropriate description). Several times she would return and, in the midst of all this pain, would say in an awelike voice, "It's so beautiful, so incrediblly beautiful." --RE: Near Death Experiences: I have had a near death experience. What will forever remain vivid in my mind are the music, colors and beauty. I can close my eyes and be back there in an instant. It's inter- esting..my daughter and I had never talked about this but one night she was very ill (age 15) and related to me that she wasn't afraid to die, describing to me the music, colors, and beauty. I was stunned! Her description was exactly of what I remembered. Isn't life interesting? --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: All is resolved --If we were to visit one last conversation... I've had all those conversations. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: This questionnaire does go on forever! Why didn't I make a magazine deadline?....because I spent so much time today on this!Back to the question at hand...The wishes of the patient are so important! Do they want to be at home? Then hopefully that can be arranged. Do they choose not to have their body invaded any longer by medical procedures? That should be respected. Do they want to decide who gets what in the way of not only big things, but small personal items and want to do it now? There are so many things. "Is there anyone else that you want to see or make contact with?" How do they want to spend remaining time and what do they want to accomplish. What will give them peace. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I went to bed one night several years ago and for some reason, felt strongly that I would die before morning. I considered what I should do, etc. Finally, I rose from my bed, went to my daughter's bathroom, wrote "I love you, Heather" on the mirror, went back to bed and slept soundly. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I have trouble with the word "ritual". It means different things to different people. My own "coping ritual" did not differ significantly from daily life. (1) Maintain spiritual contact. (2) Share openly with a few friends (3) Spend time in nature (4) Laugh or cry (5) Get adequate rest and nourishment. (6) Remember that everything I NEED is provided. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? As I said, the practices, habits, rituals, did not change significantly. My life is on a deeper plane. I am more open, more grateful, more trusting of the God of my understanding and of the next life, more appreciative of each passing day...smiles, rain, birds in the birdfeeder, etc. each day - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System Experiences which occured when I was with dying persons. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos Once again, mostly in family of origin. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I was blessed to have it. The opportunity to reach out to others to catch up with their lives, returning to my home to find a supportive message from friends. People who would come in and relieve Carol and I for an evening. Folks who would bring wonderful food (MORE FOOD!)to my house. I was so blessed. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - There wasn't much I had to pause and think about. It would seem that most of my feelings have been worked out. The closest I came to tears were tears of gratitude as I remembered all the love that flowed, especially during this trying time. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? Can you be more definitive about the "Spirit in all Deaths'? That's probably the most obscure, or was to me. The word "marvelous" in the evaluation rings false and is not in keeping with the down-to-earth questionnaire. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jul 12 21:07:37 1998 F32 in New Castle, Indiana =USA= Name: Lisa Dye-Perguson Email: <lisamichelle66-at-hotmail.com> Web: http://WWW.geocities.com/Heartland/Valley/9969 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Early childhood - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, three yrs ago. Cause of Death: gun shot wound; Aged: 32. --Details: It was in the middle of the night. My husband and I were at a local bar, and there was a phone call for the bartender. He told us that there was a shooting at another place in town. All of the sudden I knew it was my friend, Jeff. I was very upset knowing that such violence had occurred somewhere we would frequent on other nights, but the main thing was that I just had a really bad feeling for my friend. I found out late that night it was him. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of our physical existence. While I am not sure exactly what becomes of our soul, or energy after our bodies cease to function, I am sure part of our energy remains in some realm. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was very moved by the power of the experience. There was a hush in the room, and I felt the person, my grandfather let go. As painful as it was for all of us who loved him, there was such a sense of release and peace in the hospital room when his heart stopped, and his breathing ceased. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...A girl I knew from school was hit by a golf club in the temple one day after school by one of her best friends. We heard about it in seventh grade the next day. It was very tough to cope with initially, because I had been talking with her that morning in class. We laughed about things seventh grade girls would, and the next thing I knew she was gone. I had a difficult time with the notion that death can come in an instant. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Because it was by violence, we were devastated. The death was senseless, and we knew it was! Lots of anger, and fear came as a result of Jeff's murder. That is what it was; A cold calculated murder by a man who had no business being out of prison, let alone with a handgun! --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: there is no need to fear it. It is a part of living, and we should celebrate the life that was lived, not mourn our loss. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I learned to celebrate my life! Every day is a gift, and I am awed by all life now. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: In the case of my grandparents, the grace with which they lived, and died. The terminal illnesses they both suffered from allowed them to be at peace with all of their lives, and those around them. With the man I knew who died from violence, I suppose it was my faith that life is never truly complete, or gone. His menory is very much alive in all of his friends, and I am sure his energy is still present in this world --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Their presence, their voice, and their touch....those things left a real emptiness, and the realization that I had lost those gifts was very difficult. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: The presence of loved ones! When my grandfather died, my entire family was there, except my older sisiter for a while. While his vital signs were getting weaker, we just held his hands and were all touching him. There were only four of us there at that point. When my sister arrived, he was gone within five minutes. He knew we were all there with him. I am sure of that! He also knew of our love for him! --[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: was able to grieve for her, but at the same time be suppotive for my father and grandfather. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: The knowledge that she was terminal hit us all! It did not seem fair! However, she allowed me to be angry with her, and also to realize that it was inevitable to die in this world. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Have held her hand when she died. My last conversation with hr had been about six hours before she died. I told her I loved her and would see her later over the phone... --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: remain calm once I arrived at my grandparents home. I was sobbing after I took the phone call, but within five minutes, I was out the door and driving acrood town to their house. I was very clam as I entered and began to help immediately. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I began to do what was necessary. I helped make phone calls, etc. The first thing I did when I realized my Grandma was gone was to lay her on her back, and begin to clean the carpet where she had bled. I then changed the sheets on her bed where I found blood as well...a calm came over me, and I was able to be of assistance to my family. --Religious Affiliation: The Society of Friends, or Quakerism --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': My grandfather saw his parents and the little sister he lost when he was eight yers old. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities The faith I was raised in also helped. As a Quaker, I was treated with respect and allowed to grieve as I needed. I was taught that death was not the end, but a true beginning. It was alos left to me to find what beginning it was in which I found my truth. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death So many people I knew blamed the girl that accidentally killed the classmate. It was that anger, I had a very difficult time dealing with. It made Dori's death seem even more horrible. So many were condemning a girl for an accident. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jul 11 21:57:02 1998 F39 in coppell, tx =usa= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 8 months ago. Cause of Death: heart attack ; Aged: 71. --Details: she basically sat down & died, paramedics revived her but she was already brain dead. it was simply a matter of un-hooking machines and letting her go. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: permanent --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I shocked, alone, hurt, angry, confused, resentful, regretful, lonely, unhappy, sad, crying, pain, pain, pain, physically sick from thinking about it. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my father passed away at age 86yrs, i was 23yrs old and i was very close to him. It took me many years to get over his death. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the seperation of the family. Mother was the glue or bond for all of us and the total collapse of life as we knew it. --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it is private, painful and miserable and it will happen to you or someone u love one day. So please be kinder and understanding! --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: no suffering, quick death for both of my parents, --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: the faith i have in jesus christ. i know my mother and father are in a better place and i take comfort in knowing someday i will see them again! --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the silence, loneliness, longing to touch them again, talk to them, hold them, kiss them --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: hold them, love them and say goodbye --[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: able to breath again, move again, step outside myself and look at others. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: say goodbye - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time jesus christ What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jul 11 14:40:42 1998 F45 in Florence, =Italy= Name: Laura Schiavoncini Email: <laschia-at-tin.it> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Yahoo index - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Teacher - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: ok for posting - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: The letters of partisans in the second World war. Catch 22. Odyssey. Poetry Recommended Reading-- Writers: The partisans. Joseph Heller. Homer. John Keats. Goethe. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 18 yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 78. --Details: He was in hospital, and I knew he was dying. My glasses were going to lose a screw, and he mended them in his bed. He was able to do everything with his hands, but on that occasion I was terrified to see him break my glasses. I didn't care for glasses, but I knew that it was his last work. I was feeling a terrible grief, and I am feeling it now. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a fall into naught. You don't see, don't hear, you are something to throw away as fast as possible, before you seriously begin to rot. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I didn't cry. I didn't believe it was true. Really, I Knew it was true, but I couldn't feel so. It was my way of saving myself. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I had a very dear friend. She had psychic problems. She felt very bad in those days, and suicided. She was 29, I was 26. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the fact that my grandfather was an atheist, but had to receive a catholic burial. I felt it as offensive. --What I think my (Italy) culture needs to better learn about death is: Do you die alone? Can you die sharing this event as an experience like another? I think that western culture tries to skip this problems. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: memory. The objects in the house. Smiling with love about the dead. Thinking that I have a lot of things in common with him. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: support from family. To know that my life and my feelings were not going to be upset. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: His lost of his own life. I would survive anyway, but that was not enough. He had desappeared and he loved life. He loved good food, good wine, music, cigarettes. He was very clever at a lot of things. --[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: I think of him and speak of him in my family, as if he were alive, and he should appear on the door mumbling some bad words. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: Yes, I laughed on the day of my friend's funerals. I was watching something funny, and I remember a big laugh. I don't know if it was my nerves or if I needed to do something that could bring me to life again. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: avoid her suicide --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: to see their corpses. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I didn't want to be supported by words or by any formal behaviour.I didn't stand it. I needed loneliness. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: to embrace each other, to kiss each other, to meet together speaking of something else. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: just thinking about it. My friend and my grandfather represented a sort of world that I loved beyond their persons. I loved them, but I love also the life style of their world in those days. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I cannot think of it. I am 45. I can't have a grandfather alive. His death was the sign that I was grown up. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... It's not fair that you have to die when you are still growing. I hate every interruption of growing and learning, at any age, at any time in your life. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could be him. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I desperately cried and missed her. I thought that nobody really cared for her. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: They allowed him to suffer too much and too long. They didn't assume any responsibility about anti-pain substances. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: Everybody here isn't going to go out alive, and here everybody knows. It will be my turn, a day or another. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing --Religious Affiliation: I am not a believer. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I am still searching. --Regarding MONEY: I don't remember. I didn't have anything to do with it. --Regarding the FUNERAL: The air of indifference and normality of all the attendants, driver, etc. "You die, and we do what is normally needed. It's our business." --The weirdest part of it all to me was: desappearing. You are there, and the moment after you are not anymore. Magical wand! --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: death is a fact. I am an object in the world, like my grandfather. Objects must have an end. The object I am is very afraid to desappear. --If we were to visit one last conversation... Granpa, I have a computer now. Come and see the way it is made. Don't let them to leave you behind. Update yourself. You will like it a lot. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Please, let me alone. Don't remind me anything I love. I have to concentrate myself on dying. I must detach myself fron any desire or human feeling. This is the only way i can desire to die. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I am going to be nothing. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness it was as if it had never happened. I missed her only after some days. Then, I realized she was dead What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death I have always been scared of death and of all its images. I am afraid of fear, too --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I don't want to be helped. I want to pretend not to be there. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I feel like crying a little for my granfather and for my friend. I miss them. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jul 11 11:19:55 1998 M32 in Gloucester, Virginia =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] I am researching the effects of death on others for psychology - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: USN Petty Officer First Class - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1.5yrs ago. Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 32. --Details: He was struck head-on while diveing down the interstate the impact sent his car over the median and into a pickup truck killing the driver of that vehicle as well. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: End of biological function. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was very young and did not understand it to well. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I have a very large extended family whose ages range the gambit. I can rember being told some great great aunt/uncles so and so had died and I would say I'm sorry and then go out to play. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: One of this man's cousins talking about porn on the web and how I threatened to rip his throat out. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: As a christian it is a release to be with God. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that he died instantainiously. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my use in helping his family. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: listening to the family fight over his posessions. --[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: want my will enforced to avoid such infighting. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: When I had to tell his parents. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it was a way of coping. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more time there right after the funeral. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: give the eulogy that the family wanted. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I dressed the body in his own uniform. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: how I am buried. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that he was taken so young. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I became rigid losing myself in my job as the funeral escourt. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Reafirming the rewards one will recive if one has been born again. --Religious Affiliation: Southern Baptist. --Regarding MONEY: I got sick of his family fighting over it. --Regarding the FUNERAL: I still hate that cousin. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: having to escourt the body from Washington state to Virginia. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: have an active will. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: praying - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I was the families leiason with the Navy. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - no it did not help me rethink my feelings. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jul 10 13:17:58 1998 F18 in Park Ridge, IL =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 10yrs ago. Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 82. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: something to be very scared of...the unknown --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I cried --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... my grandfather, whom i was very close to passed away-when i was only 7 --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: crying --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it is just a part of life, we need to accept the unknown and stop living with fear of it. also this hell business has to go!!! --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: after my grandfather died my sister was born 2 months later --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: just sitting there with them is important. make sure they know u care about them --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say how much i love him --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: live part of my life knowing him-he was a wonderful man --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: the funeral-we didnt have one he was cremated and scattered in the woods --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that children have to die --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I still cant accept the deaths of those so young when they have not even experienced life --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: jack shit im not sure i believe in god and i hate all organized religion but it helped my mom --Religious Affiliation: agnostic --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': my mom got electrocuted (like with flames) the day after he died and we always thought that was a sign from him - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs i started snorting crack and shooting up What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy i dont believe in god or heaven so i didnt really know about after death ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 8 05:32:54 1998 M29 in Butler, PA =USA= Name: Joe Poerschke Email: <Joe_Poerschke-at-compuserve.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Email Message ] A friend from widownet gave me the URL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Computer Programmer - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: How We Grieve, Relearning the world. Recommended Reading-- Writers: Thomas Attig - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Wife, 6months ago. Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 31. --Details: I wrote it in a previous question. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: Death is the end. It's what gives life it's value. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I had to totally rethink the world. --That first time, how it happened was My wife died when I was 29. I came home from work one day and found her in bed. She had been sick for 4 years and really ill the last year. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: I'm nowhere near understanding how it affected me. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: Deal with it! People shove it under the rug. People are afraid of it. I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. No one knows how to deal with it becasue they have no exposure. We're all afraid of it. It's best to face our fears. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I shall always be greatful for the love I had. If I HAD to be greatful for something about the actual death it would be that my love died at home in her sleep semi-unexpectedly and not after weeks of dark anticipation in a hospitol. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Exercise was my main support. It allowed me to burn off some of the anxiety. Books were a close second. Knowledge is power. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Living without love. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Keep yourself happy. The dying person needs some joy and needs to feel they aren't dragging other's down. The more you honestly smile the better they feel. --[My Wife's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: always found the strength to do whatever was needed. How I managed to be happy just for having my love and always let her know it. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: about 2 months into things when it started to set in. The confusion was "what do I do with myself now?" --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I only remember nervous laughs. I didn't really laugh. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: I knew my wife was dying for years. I expressed all of my love for her and kept her as happy as she could be considering the circumstances. I have no regrets. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Make her dying a little more comfortable. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: people offered nice memories of Jenn --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: whatever happened to the body --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: It's only 6months. Holidays seem to be the worst thusfar. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... A - the dream I still have a sick wife and she's suffering B - the dream of 4 years ago before she was sick, a few kids and a house and another 40 years of love together --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... Life isn't fair. This I try to accept. We were actually happy together. Everyone said we had the best marrige they knew. You get lucky and find true love and it only lasts 8 years --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I quit eating for 3 weeks --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: I am forever greatful for the additional 4 years medicine gave me with Jenn. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: no contact --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Death strengthened my beliefs that organized religion deals with death in a way that doesn't promote living life to it's fullest. Don't keep looking twords heaven, look at where you are. --Religious Affiliation: I was brought up Luthern, went every sunday til I was 18. I have been an athiest for 10 years. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: Like people are too damn self important. We are all part of something larger. We are not significant. --Regarding MONEY: we didn't spend much while Jenn was sick. She didn't feel good enough to do anything. I have plenty of $$ now and it feels incredibly hollow. --Regarding the FUNERAL: A majority of people are feeling their own pain and fears of death when they console you on your loss. Selfish SOB's. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: I don't know who I am anymore. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : wieght loss --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: hearing nice things about Jenn was always comforting. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I had none --RE: Near Death Experiences: NA --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I have no unresolved issues. Jenn and I talked about everything. I thank her for that now. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I saw her once in a dream. I said "I love you" and then hugged her. I would tell her it was OK to die, that she was tired and she made me strong before she left. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Life is for the living. The dead person's wishes don't matter. Do wwhat eases the suffering of the survivors. --Any thoughts about your own death?: It would be welcome right now. I accept that it will come. I am trying to live before it does. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I chiseled my wife's name and epitath in a large, flat rock on a stream where we spent happy days. It's about 6ft long with 3" tall letters. Spent 4 hours chiseling until I couldn't hold the hammer anymore. Then I dumped her ashes out on top and said goodbye. 2nd thing: I sat down with her pictures for over and hour one day and said goodbye to each and every dream we had. I removed her from my dreams of kids and old age. I said I was sorry a lot but I knew she'd understand. I'd prefer her but it's just not an option. These were my 2 milestone events. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I had a terminally ill wife at 25. Everything about me changed after that. No longer a young man. I have the maturity of a grandparent now. I truely know how to love and appriciate love. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System Talking to other widows has helped me greatly. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- My wife was sick for years. I've been dealing with it for years. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I reached out on WidowNet. I made some penpals there. I'm certain I helped folks there and they also helped me. I took care of a sick wife for years. WHen she was gone I was lost without having anyone to help. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It did stir up some emotions. Hadn't been feeling them much lately. Good to have them stirred. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jul 7 23:43:00 1998 F20 in , Ohio =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: any native american religion... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 1 yr ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 26. --Details: Her fiancee was a really bad person, and her last words revealed that she felt this was the only way out of her situation. She had been planning it for some time, but none of us knew until too late. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a passage from one existance to another. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I began to form my personal philosophy of death. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... my grandmother died. She was pretty old, and I knew from my friends' experiences that grandparents can die, so I was pretty much prepared. I didn't understand it much past the fact that (1) I wasn't going to see her anymore, and (2) my family was really sad. She died peacefully in her sleep; I didn't really feel bad for her so much as for my family. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The anger from everyone over the needlessness of this promising young woman's death; the fear that I had that one person (i.e. her fiancee) could hold so much power over another person. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it isn't the end of anything (except for a collection of cells); that the people most hurt by death aren't the ones it happens to, but the ones who know the ones it happens to. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: being told by countless revenants that they are happier now than in life. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my own mind. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Knowledge of the pain that they suffered beforehand (if there was pain). --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: not to be sad for them...keep them in an optimistic mindset so that they confront the Next Place with a solid mind. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: let my cousin know that she didn't have to take the abuse from her fiancee. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... If she had left him and gotten better, we could together use our stories to help other women who are going through what she (and I) did. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that she had to go that way. Also it's not fair to the living that we had to lose her and NOT lose that bastard who caused this. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could get revenge. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: the medical community did what it could, but the police didn't seem to care. When we got her last phone call where she said she was going to do it, we called the police and told them to go to her house immediately. They didn't believe that it was for real. Her brother, a paramedic, finally took one of the ambulances at work and drove to her house, but by then it was too late. Had the police gooten involved, we might have been able to stop her. But all cops care about anymore is harrassing people, not saving them. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: For me: not much. For others: it may have helped. To each his own, I guess. --Religious Affiliation: no organized religion, but sort of pagan. --Regarding MONEY: it was a terrible thing to have to worry about then. --Regarding the FUNERAL: it felt "fake." --The weirdest part of it all to me was: two weeks before my cousin did it, a spirit told me in a dream that she was going to die soon. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : a sudden change in personal philosophy. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': she still has some things to learn, but she's much happier there than she is on this planet with that guy. --RE: Near Death Experiences: I know of several people who have seen lights or the spirits of loved ones or who had out-of-body experiences. It just proves what I already feel to be true. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: The best way that things were resolved was that her sister just had a baby. The new life helps counteract the death. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: You can't keep someone alive who doesn't wish to live. I know this now. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I would miss terribly my lover. But we have found each other over more adverse circumstances, so I'm confident that we can find each other again and again, however often is needed. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System I'm not a Christian, but I still believe that (most) people go to a better place when they die. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy Some religions say that if you do anything that's a "sin", you're in danger of going to hell. I think it takes a lot more wrongdoing than just ordinary everyday sin to go to a bad place. Also, I always found funerals to be unnecessary and even frustrating. They cost money, the preacher who talks at the funeral rarely knows the deceased, and it places so much emphasis on being miserable, as if one is required to be sad there. I think a more healing ceremony would be one where they focus on good and happy things. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jul 5 23:09:16 1998 M24 in Los Angeles, CA =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Sales - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), 5 ago. Cause of Death: my pushing him under a subway car; Aged: mid 30's. --Details: Even though my life was in danger, it is still hard to deal with the fact that I had to take a life. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a transition. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I killed him --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was.. I was attacked, and killed my attacker in self-defense. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the look in his eyes as I threw him from the platform and he realized that he was about to be run over by a subway car. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: the afterlife. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: how quickly and painlessly my aunt died after a severe stroke. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: cocaine. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: his eyes glazed over. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: ask the bastard why he was chasing me down the street. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: stay out of jail. --Religious Affiliation: Judiasm --The weirdest part of it all to me was: The realization and acceptance that I had killed another. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I am not afraid, I am curious. In Judiasm, we concentrate more on the process of living, than in death. I am confident that there is an afterlife, but curious about the circumstances. I neither look forward to, nor fear my own death. Death seems to be more of a transition than an end (although this could be wishful thinking). --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: snorting cocaine from a black mirror. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? Occasionally I have to scan rooftops and make mental notes of my surroundings to make sure I am not being followed. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs revenge What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? include a section for the death of a stranger, violent death ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jul 5 22:28:25 1998 Anonymous Guest - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Bible Recommended Reading-- Writers: various-inspired by God - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 7 yrs ago. Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 11 or 12. --Details: It made me realize that things like that can happen to anyone. She was a nice girl with a nice family. I never considered for a moment that she would not be back in school the next day. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: leaving this earth and either going to hell or spending eternity with Jesus. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was confused. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...it was my great grandpa. I didn't really know him, but I remember having nightmares that it was my grandpa who died, not my great granpa. I think they looked a lot alike. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how sad it was to think that she was so young, and had missed most of her life. But Heaven is much, much better than earth could ever be, so she's better off than I am. I was sad that I wouldn't se her anymore, but now I know I'll see her in Heaven. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: that it doesn't matter how popular or successful the person was. God created each one us unique, special, and for an important reason. People are too hardened to death. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: when I hear stories of salvation that were the result of someone's death. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: God. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: remind them over and over again that it is not their fault, and that Jesus loves them and is waiting for them. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: talk to Shawn about Jesus. I had plenty of chances, but I don't know how much I really communicated to him. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was very sad. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jul 5 15:31:24 1998 F18 Anonymous Guest - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1yrs ago. Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 16. --Details: while playing highschool hockey. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when your outer body stops working and your spirit and soul goes to a better place. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was very young now I find deaath more difficult to deal with I still do not understand how this very nice and kind young person even child could leave the earth especially before his parents it just not seem right. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... my grandmother died on my fourth birthday which was a little rough for a four year old to handle because I did not really understand. She was really sick with cancer. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: is how close it brought family and friends together and made us realize how much we really love each other. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: is how much closer it brought me and my friends. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say good bye and how much I cared about them. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could scream!!!!!! sometimes even die. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I am still not really at terms with it and dont know if I ever really will be at least it doesnt feel like I will be. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: maybe if they were quicker they could have saved him. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: alot. --Religious Affiliation: protestant --Regarding the FUNERAL: the parents. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: I blacked out. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jul 5 13:34:59 1998 Anonymous Guest - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 month ago. Cause of Death: an error in elective surgery; Aged: 36. --Details: She had surgery to lose weight, and died of complications of the surgery. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when our bodies no longer exist. I'm not sure about our minds or souls. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I felt sorry for their loved ones. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my best friend died from an elective surgery --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The pain, the anger, the disbelief, the desire to have this person back!!!!! --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: that is indeed a part of life. We need to learn this as children. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that I realized the extent of my love for my friend, and all that she meant to me. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my husband, and children --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: that I will never see her, talk to her, rely on her, again --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: be yourself --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I'm still there. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more time with her --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: spend as much time as I could with her, make her feel how important she was to me, show her love, and be loved by her --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: not over it yet --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I wouldn't miss her so much, I wouldn't feel guilty, I wouldn't be so angry --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that's how I feel now --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could talk to her --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I Not there yet. Still can't figure out why this had to happen --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: ANGER!!! --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: I guess I do believe that she is in a great place, that she is still present in another form. --Religious Affiliation: Catholic --Regarding MONEY: N/A --Regarding the FUNERAL: How special my friend was, and how much she was loved. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: I saw them bury the coffin, I saw her in a coma in the hospital, I can't see her anymore, but I still have a hard time accepting that she is DEAD. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: acceptance is a difficult process --If we were to visit one last conversation... How much I loved her. I told her I loved her but I don't think I even knew how much. This might help me put some kind of a closure to her death. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: My number one concern would be that people know I love them. I'm not sure beyond that. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I have always been afraid of death, sometimes out of fear for myself, sometimes out of fear for my family. Right at this moment, I am less afraid. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen Guilt - she was a better person than me --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I tried to be as much help to my friends family as I could, and that did help. I am will continue to try to do this. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It helped my focus on how I feel, and it also helped me realize that my friends death has somehow lessened my fear. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jul 5 13:06:47 1998 M28 in Biloxi, MS =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Always curious about psychology and human reaction - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Long Distance Truck Driver - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: There's been so many I've read, I can't think of any that are particularly helpful, except the Bible (for the most part) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 10 yrs ago. Cause of Death: auto accident; Aged: 20. --Details: Died in a relatively simple car accident, without much damage to the vehicle. The fact that he died without any traumatic outside injuries (appearance) made it hard to comprehend he actually died. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when the physical body stops functioning and the spiritual presence within us (the soul) goes to a different plane of reality or dimension. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was more curious than shocked or upset. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandfather died after a month-long struggle after having a leg amputated due to poor blood circulation. He also suffered from severe ulcers. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the eye-opening effect it had on a lot of people. Everyone I knew (including myself) saw things from a different point of view. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: not to be afraid of death itself. I think the culture I live in is afraid of how they are going to die (dying) instead of actual death, but do not realize it or don't want to think about it. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: how the death of that person made me see things in a different point of view, and not to go through life being upset over the trivial things in life. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: being alone and thinking for myself, reflecting on my life and the loss of that person's life. The absolute best place to do so is in a peaceful place, like a meadow or in the woods. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: realizing how easy it could be for anyone to die without warning and making me feel regretful, for whatever reasons. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: make that person feel good through laughter and / or smiles. --[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: took on a new perception of life, not only my own, but on all life in general. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I heard of the death, and had to wait to see the body of the deceased. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: laughing really helps you deal with death and dying on some level that you just cannot explain. Making a joke and imaging that the deceased can hear you and is laughing along at the situation was a common occurrance. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: see the person one more time before dying. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: know the person at all and share experiences while that person was alive. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: it came time to decide what to do with the body, as in where to bury it (in the ground, mausoleum, or cremation). --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: What to do with the deceased's belongings. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I wonder what life would be like now if that person was still around, or what the person would be like today if he was still around. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... The scenarioes are never the same, and the possibilities are too many to imagine sometimes... --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that so many other people survive auto accidents ten times as bad as this one, but he dies from a little bump on the head when he bumped into a tree at 30mph! --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could be young again. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I realized that my youth was filled with feelings of immortality-type thoughts, and how stupid I had been. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: thankfulness, because I know that people can only do so much. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: not involved --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: a way of relief to us and the family, knowing the person still exists in another form (spiritually), and knowing that one day we may see this person again. --Religious Affiliation: Christian, but not active in any church at this time. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: that it is a knowledge all people have, but the true concept is one that cannot be explained accurately (like infinity). --Regarding MONEY: that the family would give all their money and possessions to have him back. Most folks realized that death is not biased to how much money you may have... --Regarding the FUNERAL: how it can turn into a showcase for those that want to further their own image among others, a very selfish thing to do during the death of a person. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: looking at the body for the longest time, waiting for something to happen. I don't know what I was expecting, and I didn't tell anybody that's what I was doing, but I remember doing it specifically. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : not sure. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: it was nothing like I expected, and not to be surprised at how it might affect you as a person. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': my thoughts on the possibilities of Angels were increased. --RE: Near Death Experiences: My mother discovered that she might have been very ill, but she said that she saw an Angel, very very briefly. But the moment she saw this Angel, she knew (for whatever reason) that she was not going to die soon. This really made me rethink what my thoughts on Angels and my religion were. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: no real issues, just miss the person. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I'd tell that person how much they missed out on in life. This would help me not miss the person quite so much. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I want people to respect my wishes of what to do with my body when I die, and what to do with my possessions. This makes me want to remind the people involved of what my wishes are. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I've thought often of how and when I will die, and my overall feelings now are to not worry about it. If I was told I was going to die very soon, I'd be regretful (of course) of what I didn't do or have not done, whatever that might be. But I would feel good in the way that I know I've tried to live a good and prosperous life, and that when I die that will help me in the end. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Being alone in a peaceful place, like in a meadow or in the woods, and just thinking or praying. This was ten times more helpful and religious to me than anything else I could possibly imagine. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I enjoy being alone a lot more now, and I enjoy living more than ever (even after all this time). - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body Seeing my grandfather after he died made the reality set in my mind What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos I have a Southern-raised family that does not like to talk about dying --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I wish someone would have wanted to talk to me in depth about dying and actual death after the person died. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - This questionaire is very helpful, made me think about things I haven't thought about in a long time. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? No, they are fine the way they are. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jul 5 08:59:34 1998 M29 in , =Netherland= Name: Ronald Horsselenberg Email: <r.horsselenberg-at-a1.nl> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 yrs ago. Cause of Death: drinking; Aged: 54. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the one certainty in our lives, which we must cope with unless we want to throw our lives away --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was surprised (and a bit ashamed) to see that the dead person's body seemed not even to belong to her, not to be connected to a person, but just like any dead animal --That first time, how it happened was My grandfather, after long illness --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: initially, we were just stupefied. my father, though physically absent (they divorced when I was 7), dominated all our lives, but I think none of us loved him very much. Afterwards, at least for me, because he would always tell me what to do, his death created a void of freedom, which I still have not mastered completely --What I think my (Netherland) culture needs to better learn about death is: not to try and numb our awareness of its reality by insisting that we "move on" to someplace else --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: just be your usual loving self. i imagine actually dying would be quite frightening, so the last thing i would need is the whole family standing around and GAZING at my distress. this would make me feel desperate like i was going insane --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: became much more independent emotionally --The most confusing point of death for me was when: during the first few months, I kept feeling his presence. Because he died and was cremated while I was abroad, we had not been able to say goodbye --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: (no laughing experiences, just a sense of pointlessness where laughing would be unkind towards others) --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say goodbye and try to resolve our differences --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: when I am reminded of what I felt as a lack of support from my best friend, who didn't really grasp it (which is, i guess, impossible if you haven't lived through it) and also was too frightened to try and empathize --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... the silly thing is, i don't think it would be much different from the situation shortly before his death. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... having to lose your father at 24 --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could still reach out to him so that we could both say "sorry" --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I realised that it would henceforth be pointless to cling to any person or possession. this made me feel empty inside and aggressively proud outward --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing. he professed atheism and was cremated, but the ritual around this had no meaning for me. --Religious Affiliation: not affiliated, but leaning toward Buddhism --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: to me, the dominant quality of death is precisely that it is inexorably human. (I don't seem to get your idea of Spirit) --Regarding MONEY: doctors in the hospital where he was attended to during the last few days seemed at some point to have given him up and stopped treatment. prolonging the treatment even for a few days might have enabled my mother to reach me in time --Regarding the FUNERAL: (i wasn't there, but my mother and sister just got the cremation over with as quickly and simply as possible) --The weirdest part of it all to me was: (if you mean the process of dying: i didn't witness that) --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : (wasn't there to see) - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jul 4 22:53:10 1998 M15 in Melbourne, Victoria =Australia= Name: Mat Email: <mrmjfitz-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Fitzgerald - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2.5 yrs ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 43. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: an internal emptiness unlike no other --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I went into a numb state of shock --That first time, how it happened was It was my mother's death --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: seeing the wasting body lying on the hospital bed --What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is: that counselling does NOT help AT ALL --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: not applicable death sucks there is NOTHING good about it --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: i dealt with it myself it is nobody else's business --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: them not being there that's a really stupid question by the way --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: say goodbye. don't stay there. it only makes it worse to see someone die in front of you --[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: kept it to myself --The most confusing point of death for me was when: i was told she had 3 months to live when she died the next day --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: death isn't funny i was never laughing --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: say goodbye --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: all this stuff about "needing support" --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: nope never happens --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... it would be SO much better!!! --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... we did nothing wrong why does it ALWAYS happen to us? --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could kill myself quickly and painlessly --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I isolated myself for three straight days after that i was okay --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: disbelief --Regarding HOSPICE etc: hate --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing --Religious Affiliation: i am catholic not by choice --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: non-existant --Regarding MONEY: money played no part --Regarding the FUNERAL: there were heaps of people there yet i still felt so alone --The weirdest part of it all to me was: when someone blamed me for the death --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : the point at which the person becomes incoherrant really spooky that is --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: who cares they're dead the issues are now UNRSOLVABLE --If we were to visit one last conversation... it just brings back memories of the pain and suffering --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: i want to be cremated and forgotten --Any thoughts about your own death?: i don't care anymore if i die --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: i would often inflict pain upon myself it's a terrific way to release anger --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? nope - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Rage What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - i realise now that i have fully dealt with the death ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jul 3 23:36:47 1998 F39 in Fort Worth, TX =USA= Name: Patty Email: <texcuz-at-flash.net> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: On Death and Dying - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 27 yrs ago. Cause of Death: Heart Attack; Aged: 47. --Details: He died at home. My mother found him as he had went to bed earlier than us. She screamed and yelled for me. I knew something was wrong and I ran next door to get a neighbor - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: something that happens to all of us. Our bodies cannot run forever. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I My family always went to funerals as we had a large extended family. I was familiar with the death ritual at a young age. It wasn't until I was a little older that the deaths effected me in a more personal way. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My granmother had come to live with us for a while and I guess that my mother could not take care of her so My Father and his family had to make the decision to send her to a nursing home. She died a couple of months later. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Touching the body of my father. I remember drawing back and instantly knowing that that wasn't my father anymore. My father was warm and his skin forgiving. This body was cold and the skin didn't move. After that I had no association with the funeral or his grave. My father wasn't there anymore. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: forever until we know different. I tend to hope and pray that we will be reunited or that somehow they are still with us or in a better place. But for now I just know that they are gone. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Sometimes people are ill and death is welcome. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: When my father died I retreated to my friends, drugs and anything that would distance me from memories or my family. As a teenager (I was 13) the death of my father was a turning point in my life. Music also was a big solice to me. I also wrote poetry. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: The separateness. I felt that I was alone. None of my friends mother or father had died. I had no support from school officials. My grades suffered. I also dreamed alot about my father and he was always leaving. I couldn't get him to talk to me or turn around. I had terrible bouts of depression, which lasted about 10 to 15 years. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Let that person know what they meant to you. Make that person laugh. --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Pay close attention to the children. When someone close dies to a teenager you must watch for signs of depression. Things just don't go back to normal..... --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Hug my dad --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: have my friends --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: The funeral. I don't remember all of it. I was just so numb. I remember when my mom and sister went up to the casket. My mom was crying over him and wanted me and my sister to stand with her. I just walked away.. I knew from touching him that my dad wasn't there anymore... and I couldn't stand next to the body. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I smell certain things that remind me of my dad. It is strange that you can remember certain smells like that. My dad worked at an auditorium and smells of cotton candy and popcorn has a strange connection with me. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I feel that I would have been more grounded in my youth. My children would have a grandfather and he would be there for me too. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that we only have such little time. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could die --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I tried to use the death as a incentive to be mindful of friends family and loved ones. Never take the time for granted. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: My father turned down a chance to have by-pass surgery. It was new and experimental back then. He felt that he would have to be taken care of and he didn't want that . He had a friend that had the surgery and he had to be real careful. That man died just 2 years ago. Just think, My dad could have lived 20 more years....... --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Nothing. we were not real church goers. I did go into religion internally. I read and studied all kinds of religions. Looking for some answers to which I found little comfort except to wait and see. --Religious Affiliation: Church affiliation is Baptist. But I tend to believe differently on many subjects --Regarding MONEY: My mom was in charge of the money. I had little to do with all of that --Regarding the FUNERAL: I didn't want to be there --The weirdest part of it all to me was: the funeral ritual. I still don't like to go --Any thoughts about your own death?: I have expressed my wish not to have a funeral. I don't think that will happen though. I want to have my body donate to science or something like that. I have a strong belief that the body is just covering for the soul and I have no attachments once the soul is gone. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jul 3 08:23:26 1998 F28 in , North Carolina == Name: Elizabeth - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Yahoo search - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: computer game designer - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 months ago. Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 57. --Details: He was not sick or infirm, very healthy. Death was a total shock. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: unavoidable and the ultimate end. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was too young to comprehend what was really going on. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... My grandmother died in a car accident when I was about 11 years old. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the emptiness, the regrets, the sadness and the loss of hope. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: that it is going to happen, to everyone. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: my sister-in-law put aside her differences with my mother to be a source of support through the entire ordeal. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my Father's friends who also wanted to discuss his life and experiences and were not afraid to discuss him. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: knowing that he died too soon. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: my family has always had a great sense of humor. Laugher really helps even if it seems morbid at the time. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: have him walk me down the aisle at my wedding, hold my first child, learn more from him as I grew older. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: hold it together and be strong for my mother. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: friend drove 2 hours in the middle of the night to tell me in person of the death of my father. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: someone younger speaks negitively about their parents. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... At the very beginning I wanted to die and be with him - even though I know that's not what he would have wanted. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... he was too young, too healthy and had so much left he wanted to do! --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could turn back the clock and have it never happen. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: gratitude since his doctor attended the funeral and reassured us that his death was sudden and painless. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: having to comprise with my religious brother and sister-in-law since my family is not very religious and the service was a blend of give and take in that department. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: normal. Everyone has to experience it at some point and who you are and what you believe neither protects you from it nor means your grief is harder to bear. --Regarding MONEY: we were grateful there was more than enough to carry out the wishes my dad. --Regarding the FUNERAL: the chapel was too small and it was a 'standing room only' service with so many people who loved my father there that they were spilling out of the front door. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: my own ability to know that screaming and crying (which I wanted to do) would not bring him back - so I was able to remain 'strong' for others in my family. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: My last words to my father were "I love you" and I'll always be grateful for that. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: The hardest part of the service was over-hearing people second guessing my dad's wishes and wanting someone to convince my mother to do otherwise. I found it rude and though I know they didn't mean harm - it caused more heartache for my mother and I then was deserved. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I'd be with dad again so I'm not afraid of dying anymore. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I took long walks alone and spoke out loud with my dad, also, my mother gave me a pendant on a chain he loved and I wear it at times for good luck and to feel closer to him. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? Life is too short to sweat the little things. Make certain you tell the people you love how you feel about them, they may not be there the next day. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I tried to be strong and supportive for my grandmother (my dad's mom) who is still alive and had just lost her son. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It was helpful since there are not many people who seem to want to speak about my dad now that he is gone. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? If the death was sudden and unexpected, how did you handle the news? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jul 2 20:40:01 1998 F18 in Grants Pass, Oregon =USA= Name: erika Email: <rose535-at-hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] I was looking for something to do about questionares - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: babysitting - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: no Recommended Reading-- Writers: no - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of idol Movie Star, 5 months ago. Cause of Death: drug overdose; Aged: 35?. --Details: well he was a very good actor....chris farley and it shoked and saddened me - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: something that we don't deal with. we deny it we get angered by it. It's when someone that u know very well suddenly is not there anymore and it hurts u. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I hmmm this is a tough question. It was when I guess when I was 13. I have known him since I was 6. It was shoking to me but I didn't cry. He was hit by a car crossing a busy highway.........I went to his funeral and still didnt cry. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... it was a friend but nto a very close friend he died crossing the highway he got hit by a car --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: It didn't really affect me. Well I would mope around the house for 2 days --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it is not something to fool around with. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: my friends death opened my eyes to death. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my mother. She didn't know my friend but she took me to the funeral and sat with me anyways. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: being in denial --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: they will look from above and see what there real friends are. --[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: got over his death. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I was in denial. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: im glad i didn't laugh aloud --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: talk to him more...be his friend more. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: get over his death. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: my 3rd grade teacher was there --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: when my whole entire school was there --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I start to think of his face.... --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... he would just be there and I would be happy for him being there --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... why did he have to die? why couldn't the car stop in time? --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could make him alive again --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I was very saddened....but i didn't cry. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: what? --Regarding HOSPICE etc: good --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: that we will go to heaven --Religious Affiliation: Christian --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: good --Regarding MONEY: it wasent important --Regarding the FUNERAL: hwo everyone was crying and there was so many ppl there. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: how i didnt cry --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : nothing really --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: i dot really follow it --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': no way...its not true --RE: Near Death Experiences: my grandmother..... --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I dont have any resolved issus --If we were to visit one last conversation... tell him how much i did care for him --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I dont get the question --Any thoughts about your own death?: nope --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: no i dont recall --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? nope - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People MY mother took me to the funeral What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial I didn't cry --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I reached out by takign their hand - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It was kinda confusing but good - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? no ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jul 2 17:14:20 1998 F61 in Seaford, DE =US= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Church Secretary, working on a M.S. in counseling - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 3 yrs ago. Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 59. --Details: Sudden death while cutting the grass. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of life as we know it --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was too young to understand what was going on. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the extreme loneliness after all the children went back to their distant homes --What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is: how to be comfortable with it --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the time for deep introspection and searching for new meaning in my life --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: a combination of deep spiritual searching and a friend with whom I could share my discoveries and feelings --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the loss of roles--wife, lover, pastor's wife. Felt I had lost my whole identity. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: there was a need to release the awful tension --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say goodby; express my love one more time; apologize for hurts I caused --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: quickly get control of finances; find a new home. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I hear music he especially loved or hear words he used to say come out of someone else's mouth --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that he didn't get to see the fruits of his labor (he had been working very hard on a project that after his death was successfully completed) --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: our vocation. My husband was a minister. --Religious Affiliation: Presbyterian --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: comforting --Regarding MONEY: my husband's life insurance made it possible for me to buy a first home --Regarding the FUNERAL: the enormous number of people who came to the funeral and the viewing --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: some of the predicted stages came at the same time; I went back and forth between stages a lot --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would hope to hear words of forgiveness for hurts I inflicted unwittingly. This would free me from unresolved feelings of guilt. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I do not want to be kept alive by machines when all hope of productive life is gone. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I hope I will be able to die well, that the process of death can be a further learning and growing experience for both myself and my loved ones. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: In the company of 2 members of my grief support group, I took my husband's ashes to a beach we used to love to visit with the children. We read together a powerful sermon of my husband's and scattered his ashes in the water. It was so beautiful, and good to do it in the company of dear friends. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I have changed my vocation--am working on a master's degree in counseling as a result of my experience. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age How'd I do? How well --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I worked (and am still working) as a facilitator with the grief support group that helped me so much. Also started a support group at my church. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Good experience--enabled me to see how far I've come since my husband's death. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jul 2 11:10:26 1998 F14 in Someplace, SC =USA= Name: Hera - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] I was very bored and searched on Yahoo!. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Public School - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: Well, in case you haven't noticed. I'm not very serious about this. Hell, it's a dog I'm talking about. That's serious to me, but probably not to y'all. Oh well. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Catch 22 Recommended Reading-- Writers: Jo Heller, Kurt Vonnegut - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 9 yrs ago. Cause of Death: hip displausia and a bad heart; Aged: 14. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: When somebody quits existing in this time frame or anytime in the future. We are stuck into going forward in time and that means we will never see them again, but we can remember them. Death is usually sad. But every now and then someone is really sick and they die and it's basically good because they were suffering so much. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was sad and cried, but I knew it would happen and I wasn't that surprised. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... It was my dog that died, I don't know if that really counts, but to me it did. He had hip diplausia for a few years or months or something and then one night he died. I cried. He was a kind of family dog, everyone loved him and everyone was sad when he died, but I think my Mother was saddest. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: that my Mother didn't want me to see him after he was dead because I was so young. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it isn't such a sad thing, sometimes it is good. Just because someone isn't around now doesn't mean they were never around and you can't remember them. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that my dog was not in pain anymore. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: knowing that it would be OK, even if the person or animal was dead. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: knowing he\she would never be back again. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold Well, it's not really the memories, it's more that it doesn't bother me as much because I just remember when the person\animal was alive and know that it's OK that they died because they were happy when they lived. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories I would remember what it was like and want to cry because I knew nothing would ever happen with that person or animal again. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Ummm.... It actually made little difference at all. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 1 22:06:01 1998 F25 in Abbotsford, BC =Canada= Name: Shannon Email: <crothwel-at-rapidnet.net> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Yahoo. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Psychology - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 6 ago. Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 70. --Details: He died after a 6 month battle with inoperable lung cancer brought on by unloading asbestos off the ships. He died the day before my nineteenth birthday. He was my great uncle, but was like my grandfather as I had no other living relative within a close enough distance to fill this role. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: An ending, but a beginning. Depending of course on your individual beliefs. It is sad simply because those of us still alive harbour feelings of loss; we miss the person who has passed on and feel sorry for ourselves for this loss. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I didn't really understand what was going on. I simply believed that Grandpa had gone to live with God and the angels, whatever that means to a 5 year old. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandfather was an alcoholic and died due to this disease. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: waiting for the actual death to occur; noticing how weddings and funerals seem to be the only things that bring families together now; seeing my Uncle's body and realizing that the spark which brings us life was no longer there. This fueled an interest in the afterlife and what really happens to us. --What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is: It is not necessarily an ending and shouldn't be looked on as a sad occurrence. I know from my experiences that even though I realize my family will be sad at my passing, I expect them to rejoice in the fact that I lived a good life (no matter the length)and that I have gone on to the next step of my evolutionary journey. There will be a party when I die, no caskets or priests. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: how death brought me closer to my uncle. How death taught me that life is indeed a circle and we are all fueled by energy. This gave me strength because enery may be changed, but it cannot be destroyed. This is what finally made me believe in an afterlife of some form or another. During my Uncle's battle with cancer I prayed to God that He take my Uncle quickly and with as little pain as possible. When this didn't happen I started to doubt my belief in God and the afterlife. Seeing my Uncle's body helped to re-establish my belief in the afterlife, although in a more mature, well thought out form. Now I may not believe that there is one God as the bible portrays, but I do believe that our soul, psyche, energy, whatever you want to call it, does go on. This makes day to day living seem a little bit more meaningful. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My father and my own individual strength. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: knowing he wouldn't be there at my wedding, and watching my great aunt suffer through the loss of a spouse. She is almost deaf and he was not only her provider but her protector. In losing him she lost her reason for living. She also lost her home, her dignity, and her happiness. That was sadder than actually having him pass on. I was glad when he finally passed on, for his sake. He was in a lot of pain. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: I remember going into the hospital to visit my uncle. It was only me, at this point we weren't positive he had cancer, but a part of me knew anyways. He was an avid curling fan, and we started talking about the upcoming curling tournament in New Westminster. I told him not to worry, he'd be out of the hospital in time to attend. He was so happy, his face just lit up. It was almost like he needed my optimism to help him face a difficult time in his life. My advice would be to offer a shoulder to cry on, but only if they need or ask for it. Make their last days happy, after all, they are the last days you'll ever spend together. Make them count. Let them know, without being over dramatic or morbid, how much you truly love and value them and the presence the have had in your life. Just hold their hand and listen to them, talk about whatever they want to talk about. Be happy, the last thing a person who knows they are dying wants is someone around who is too scared to say a word, or can only cry. --[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: faced the death. Originally I don't believe I did face it. I went to the viewing and took part in everything almost as if I was an impassionate observer. I didn't cry at the funeral, but this was a blessing in disguise as I was able to stop at the casket to say good-bye one final time. I was the "strong" one at the time, my mother and sister were wrecks. This all sounds great, but 1 year to the day later I was an absolute mess. I couldn't leave my house and cried for two days straight. It was almost like a delayed reaction to the stress. The point to my rambling is people should deal with their grief right then and there. They shouldn't worry about those around them, if they want to cry and scream, go ahead! It will make life easier in the long run. The longer you bottle the emotions up, the worse the end up being when they finally come to the surface. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: God wouldn't answer my prayers to take my uncle quickly and with as little pain as possible. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: laughter is an automatic reaction to stress, especially when in the company of others. Plus, it helps to lighten an incredible tense situation. It can make everyone feel better and more capable of handling what is happening. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Nothing that I wish in this situation. I was at the hospital daily, nursed and cared for my uncle, fed him popsicles when he became unable to eat, talked to him and let him know how I cared. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: be supportive and loving. see above question. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I saw my Uncle's body. The spark of life was gone and the body was basically just a shell. What made my Uncle an individual was no longer there. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I think that my daughter will never experience the love my uncle had to give, or the fun we had with him when we were girls, not only myself and my sister, but also my mom. I also become upset when I think that he won't be at my wedding. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... The only way it would differ would be that I wouldn't look back on my 19th birthday as being the hardest time in my life. (On the other hand though, at least it was my 19th. I was legal and could get drunk.) Plus, my daughter would know my uncle, which would be very important. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that my uncle had to die in such a disgraceful fashion. Cancer is an ugly disease. It leaves the dying person with no dignity. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I see 2 questions ago. I didn't deal with the death until a year later, it basically ate away at me until then. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: disgust. Because of my uncle's age no one was willing to help him. His appointment at the cancer clinic was booked for 3 months away, at which time he was already dead. I have talked to women in their late 30's early 40's who were into the cancer clinic within a week of being diagnosed. Also, the hospital workers were on strike during my uncle's hospital stay so he received less than adequate care. The best care he received came from family members. --Religious Affiliation: Protestant --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: like the energy I was speaking of earlier. I believe or Soul, Spirit, Psyche, whatever you want to call it, is energy. --Regarding MONEY: Salespeople kept calling my aunt trying to convince her to buy things in her time of grief. It was disgusting. --Regarding the FUNERAL: Seeing him in the casket. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : I learnt from watching him die that when the breaths come few and far between it means death is closer. When you are listening to someone breathe like this you try to take their next breath for them because they are taking so long doing it for themselves. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: At first there is anger, How could this happen to me? Then there is absolute, utter grief, you cry and cry until you can't cry anymore. Then there is acceptance. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I feel fine. Because the death process was drawn out we had time to deal with affairs and issues. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I would be so sad that I wouldn't be able to see my daughter grow up. She's only three, and I would give anything to be guaranteed life long enough to see my grandchildren grow. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? How well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Fine, because the experience was 6 years ago. I suspect, however, that people dealing with a more recent death than myself would have had an incredibly hard time with these questions. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 1 19:53:20 1998 F45 in , in. =usa= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, yrs 5 ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 76. --Details: slow - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of everything. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my mother died of cancer when i was 14 --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how my father excepted it,and how we all found strenght we didn't know we had, because of our love for him. --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: to talk about the one that died. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the love shown by friends. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: my belief in God. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: knowing that i would never talk to them again. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: to listen and let them talk about it. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: be there for my father and help him. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': dad did see something --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? i talk to him like he was still here. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Music What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - some of the questions made me feel bad. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jul 1 03:58:10 1998 Anonymous F - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 4 yrs ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 23. --Details: He shot himself in the head while sitting alone on a park bench. The police thought it was a homicide at first because he was left handed. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a natural part of our life . It is when a person ceases to function in all ways and is nature's way of making room for new life. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was too young to really understand what it was all about. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandmother's neighbor passed away due to old age. I was only 3 or 4 years old so didn't really understand what the funeral was about. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the disbelief. No one could understand why he would have done something like that. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: how to deal with it. My culture tends to look upon death as something to hide or protect ourselves from. We need to learn how to talk about death so it won't be as much of a mystery to children or frighten them. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: being reminded that life goes on by having to continue my daily routine. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: dealing with the hurt and anger that was caused by my cousin's suicide. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: I haven't been there for the death of a loved one yet but I know that my grandmother is noy well and is preparing for her death in the near future. What she finds most comforting is that I am willing to discuss funeral arrangements and the disposition of her possesions with her. It is important to the dying to know that things will be handled according to their wishes. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: there isn't much of a grieving process. I tend not to cry at funerals unless something said or done during the service really touches me. I also don't dwell on the loss as much as others since I accept death as natural and to be expected at some point. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: No one can help me resolve the issues concerning my cousin. I feel that maybe if I had been able to really talk to him that I might have been able to prevent his death as I was one of the very few in the family who could see through his every thing is great facade and get him to talk about his problems. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I don't want to be kept alive in a hospital when there is no hope of recovery. I would like to be left a little dignity. I hope that if my husband and I were to die soon, my brother will be willing to raise and care for my son. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ See Current contributions. See Jun 98 contributions. See May 98 contributions. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
