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Thu Apr 10 18:19:05 2008
F41 in San Antonio, Texas =USA=
Name: Paige
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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    Prof/Studies: Singer/Songwriter
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 Days ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure. ;   Aged: 63.

     His death was a long, drawn out process.  He's been ill for over 20
years, but the event leading up to his death began Christmas Day 2007
and ended with his death on April 5, 2008.  He was only home from
the hospital a total of 6 days in 2008.  It was just a domino effect.
A heart attack led to a weakening of the heart which then caused all
of the other organs not to function to the best of their abilities.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     Basically exchanging how our energies travel through this universe.
While a soul is here on earth, we inhabit a human body (a vehicle,
if you will).  When that vehicle breaks down and isn't able to
function properly, our soul and its energy continues on, but must
vacate that vehicle.  Upon death, our soul leaves our body and is
simply returning to a state of pure energy which cannot be seen.
The energy is then able to travel to places yet unknown by those
of us who still inhabit these human vehicles.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was rocked to the core to see my dad crying over the death of
his parents.  I was 8 years old and I had never seen my dad cry.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My dad's parents died two months apart, both very suddenly and
	unexpectedly.  They were both in their early 50's and I was 8
	years old.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     even though I thought I was prepared for it, I was not prepared
for the feeling that I was now a little girl without her Daddy even
though I'm a 41 year old woman!

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     That I was able to comfort my dad even though we had a very stormy
relationship.  When his body was giving out, the ego and self were
stripped away along with any resentments and all that was left was
just the love we share.  Nothing else mattered anymore and I was
able to love him and comfort him like I never could have before.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     My family around me and just simply allowing myself to be devastated
for a few days and just simply crying and crying until I suddenly
felt better...
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Just the unanticipated feelings that came up.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Just put yourself aside.  I completely had to put my old resentments
aside and comfort my dad.  At first, it was awkward, and then after
a couple of days, it became very natural and it felt really good.
It was a gift to him, but also to me.  I thought my heart had been
hardened beyond repair as far as he was concerned, but his death
showed me what true love and compassion for another human being
really mean and I allowed these things into to my heart to soften
it back up.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Again, just how the egos and resentments were stripped away and
all that was left was the strength of our love.  Through his body's
frailties, we found the strength of our love.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     It was just such a roller-coaster.  We knew he was going to die, but
it took what seemed to be an eternity.  We would think he was going
to go, but he would rally around for a few more days.  I just said
to God, "You know you're going to take him, so why not just do it?"

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     Sometimes you just get so overwhelmed by the seriousness of the
situation, that you need a break.  I can see the reason for comic
relief in dramatic movies!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Since I got to make amends, I really don't think there's anything
else I would have done.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Make amends and comfort him in spite of my own hurt from the past.
--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     stop feeling sometimes, but I know that's not possible and I know
it's necessary to move on.  But sometimes it just hurts so much.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     Even though I was present for both my dad's and grandfather's deaths,
it hit me all over again when viewing their bodies.  It was just
so obvious they were gone and the reality sunk in again...

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     This experience with my dad was such a positive one as far as the
medical community was concerned.  Doctors gave out personal cell
phone numbers in case we had questions and came in on days off
to see how my dad AND my family were doing, nurses took care of
my dad like he was their own AND they were there for us as well.
It was phenomenal and made the experience much more bearable.
--Religious Affiliation:
     I'm more spiritual than religious
--Regarding MONEY:
     Just the issues of whether or not to move him to hospice so hospice
would be the one paying the bills and then the whole funeral thing
is just so exhorbitant!
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     It's just so expensive and you have no choice about it.  They've got
you and they know it!

     Such a significant change in his breathing...it just became so much
more shallow.  Before he lost conciousness, he also became vacant.
Even though he would look at me, it was like he was looking through
me...it was like he was already gone but his body didn't know it yet.

     I just had to allow myself to feel everything...just to totally
break down and allow the process.  It seemed to get better the more
I allowed that and the less I tried to be "strong" for everyone else.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     My grandfather did mention seeing his mother a day or so before
he died, but my dad was unconscious for several days, so that was
never verbalized but I often wondered who was there with us.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I actually feel that my dad is with me more now and understands me
more now than he did when he was alive.  His misconceptions that
he carried from his childhood are gone and now he really knows how
I feel without either of our egos getting in the way.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I'd just really like to know what REALLY happens after we die.
It's just scary that we won't know until it happens.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     Just allowing myself to feel whatever I was feeling and when I
felt that I could, I just poured my heart out at the computer in
a blank document.  That helped get a lot of stuff out.

       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    The Funeral 
     Since I was 8, no one thought to have me attend the funeral and I
think I would have liked to...

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