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See Current contributions.
See Jan 08 contributions.
See Dec 07 contributions.
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Fri Feb 29 15:05:25 2008
F50 in Veneta, Oregon =USA=
Name: AlecSandra Bihlmaier
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
was looking up "death and dying" on the net
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Prof/Studies: unemployed/disabled
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
After Death; The Last Dance
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sukie Miller PhD; Lynne Ann DeSpelder and Albert Lee Strickland;
Ellen Kubler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 20 Years ago.
Cause of Death: asphyxiation; Aged: 37.
--Details:
7 months before she died a drunk driver hit her head-on and
she had severe nerve damage due to that. On the day she died
she was vomitting and passed out, which was directly related to
ther nerve damage.
Other deaths that affected me:
My mother:
She died of a heart attack after having numerous strokes during
the last few years of her life. This death really affected me as
I was not near her for the last few years of her life and felt
disconnected to her.
My father: He died 6 weeks after my mother,
from kidney failure. He had been on dialysis for 14 months before
my mother died and he refused treatment after she died, causing
him to have kidney failure. His death was no surprise but I was
not ready for it...or for my mom's for that matter. He and I had
been on bad terms when he died and I didn't want to even attend
his funeral but did go the 1300 miles back "home" to go to it and
realize that it would have been a mistake to not go.
My ex:
When he died he was only 36 and he had an AIDS related illness.
I still mourn his death, even though it was in 1991.
A good
friend of mine committed suicide and I felt helpless as I could
not help him with his depression.
My niece: She was killed by a
truck that crossed the center line. She should not have died yet,
she had too much living that she needed to do.
One of my brothers:
He died from a massive heart attack in England and we had a memorial
service for him around the time of his death but we interred him 5
months later which just brought the depression and mourning back.
I was very very close to this brother.
Another of my brothers:
He had a cerebral hemmorhage at age 50. He and I were also very
close as well as sharing that relationship with my sisiter-in-law.
This death was unexpected and I honestly thought he would love for a
long time. His life was cut short too early. I am 50 now and I think
about the fact that he died at 50...could it happen to me too?
My
paternal grandmother: I was 8 yrs old at the time and only really
knew of her while in a nursing home.
My maternal grandmother:
We took care of her during her last years of life and I was very
close to her. I was 15 when she died...and it hit me very hard,
even though it was expected.
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--Death Is:
is part of the circle of life. It is a regeneration of atoms that
allow other people to be born.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was a very small child. I kept asking my mom where Clair was
and she told me he was sleeping but when I went to his room he was
not there. It was very hard for me to understand...being almost
2 and all.
--That first time, how it happened was
My brother died when I was almost two and I remember vividly about
where he was and why he was not there anymore.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my sister's 6 yr old daughter telling me to not cry and that
everything was okay because she was in Heaven. It just broke my
heart that her children were so young and they had that burden to
bear. The only thing that kept me sane was that I was pregnant and
I needed to keep it together for my children and for my own health.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing really
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my niece's heartfelt comment to me about her mom.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I recieved grief counseling.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling that things were left unsaid or unfinished.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I'm not really sure. This response needs to be individualized.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to forgive my father. He had always been a very strict
and stern disciplinarian and he had little patience for those who
went agains his wishes...especially those in our family. I was
able to forgive him even though I was angry with him for the way
he was toward me and others.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I have no response for this.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
remembering how exuberant my mother was and how she always had a
smile for everyone, how her laughter was contagious...all of this
made me smile at her funeral...not so much laughter, but happiness
at the memories of her.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
reconcile with my father before he died. I wish I could have
been closer and been more in my parents' lives during their last
few years.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
share the grieving process with other family members.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my cousin showed us photos of my mom while at the funeral home.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what is going to happen to all of the possessions my parents had.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
birthdays roll around that are no longer celebrated because the
person is dead. The birthdays are very hard for me to deal with.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If my sister was still alive our family would still be connected
somehow. She was the glue that kept us together. Since her death I
have no clue as to what is happening in her children's lives...their
father remarried and our side of the family has been forgotten.
It seems as though they have forgotten her too.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she should have lived longer and that the drunk dirver never got
in trouble for her death (even though she died 7 months after the
accident due to things stemming from the accident)
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
join them in death.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
thought I had more time with her. My sister was one of the most
important people in my life.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I have no problem with that.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
There was no contact with Hospice
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
When I was younger it meant that I would see the loved ones in a
better place after the ressurection and Armageddon that my religion
taught.
As an adult I have no organized religion.
--Religious Affiliation:
none now...was a Jehovah's Witness until 28 yrs ago.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
no comment
--Regarding MONEY:
my brother (or his wife to be more correct) thought that the rest
of us needed to give him (them) our portions of the life insurance
policy so he could pay off the credit cards which HE used for himself
while my parents were in the nursing home. He also felt we needed
to keep paying the rent on our parents house for 2 months after
they died.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
which funeral? At my parents' two funerals there was a lot of
memories shared, people were fairly calm about the whole thing.
At one of my brother's and my sister's funerals it seemed that a
lot of the atmosphere was centered around religion, which made some
people uncomfortable. It also seems that most people said they would
miss the one who died but when that person was alive (as in one of my
brothers) they didn't keep in contact and it seemed kind of phony.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
all the relgious BS
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
no response
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was important for me to realize that my grandmother was going
to no longer be in pain.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
was when I was crying one night after my mom died but before the
funeral and she came to me, put her arms around me and said that
it was okay, that she was with my siblings who had died and my
grandparents.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nothing
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I really hate to have to chose an individual here and it seems
that I have to find a way to make my response about all of them
the same or just one of them in depth.
I do feel that I didn't
resolve things with my father before he died but I have made peace
with that and I have forgiven him for the damage he did to me and
my family because of his choice in religion.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would have forgiven my father and made peace with him before
he died.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I already mentioned my mother, but I have had other experiences...
My paternal grandmother has visited me on a few occassions,
usually when I am going through a difficult time or when I have had
a difficult decision to make. She has "guided" me to the decision
I need to make.
My niece has come to me in dreams where she is
leading me to the light where my mother and siblings are standing,
but I have always woken up before reaching the light. This has
happened more times than I want to admit.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
When I die I do not want a funeral of mourning and crying but a
celebration of my life. I want to have anyone who wants to speak
given that opportunity to do so and not a minister giving a "sermon"
about death. I want people to remember the good times with me and
to share those with others.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I do think about the fact that I am 50 and this is the age that
one of my brothers died. He had a cerebral hemmorhage and I do
worry that I could have the same thing happen to me, unexpectedly,
just as it happened to him.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She was someone who loved to learn; someone who lied change and
challenges in her life. She was one who could overcome opposition
and stones thrown her way and be a better person because of them.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have written poems and composed songs for those who have died.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
not really
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My cousin and I have become closer. I feel that she understood me
best and is still here in my life.
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How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
I write poetry and songs when people I love die...I have a lot of
poems and songs...a lot of loved people who have died
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish that other family members realized how it affected me.
I sometimes think that they think I can deal with things better
because I have a strong personality.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I guess since I have studied death (thanatology) it has helped me
to personalize my thoughts and not just generalize them as I did
while studying thanatology.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I think that the questions should be addressed as someone who has
lost more than one person in their life. I found some of them
stifling because they seemed to refer to the death of ONE person.
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Wed Feb 27 08:37:54 2008
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1997 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 64.
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--Death Is:
when someone quits breathing and goes into eternity
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and didnt understand what was all happening, now I
work at a
nursing home and see many of my friends die every year
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everyone crying at the viewing of the body and older people saying
how he was
too young
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death doesnt need to be a scary thing, because if they have
Jesus in their
hearts they can go to heaven
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
How it drew my family together. My grandma got very depressed so
we did
more activities with her
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family, especially my parents reassuring me that everything was
going to be
ok
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Fri Feb 22 09:11:21 2008
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
i wanted to participate in psychology research, so i found this
site through yahoo.com.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
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--Death Is:
a sometimes peaceful or traumatic event where a member of our
society is no longer extant. There comes a time when our bodies
cease to function properly and expire as a result of impaired or
lack of proper functioning.
--That first time, how it happened was
My paternal grandmother died of leukemia when I was 17 after a
year-long battle. My access to see her was restricted by my paternal
aunt, who was my grandmother's primary caregiver. I was lucky to
even see my grandmother before she died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how my paternal side of the family fell apart.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that you can't keep a suffering person alive for your own reasons,
agenda, needs. People have a right to die when they need to.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the memory of my grandmother that is imprinted on me. I strive to
be a better person because of her exemplary actions.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the other family members.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
letting them know that they can die, and we will be okay without
them.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my grandmother more before her death.
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
The hardest part of grieving was having the memory of my access to
my grandmother being restricted by my aunt. It was upsetting to not
to see my grandmother as often as I wished. I harbour some amount
of anger still toward my aunt for her overly-controlling behavior
as a caregiver.
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Wed Feb 13 14:28:29 2008
F48 in Victorville, Ca =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
This is part of a Term Project for my Psychology 110 class.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
none
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: sepsis; Aged: 77.
--Details:
As I stated above, I found my mother, who was always cheerful and
good
natured, unable to talk. I alerted the staff, thinking
maybe she had a stroke.
They made her wait for transport for
over two hours. She died the moment she
arrived at the hospital.
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--Death Is:
filled with feelings of regret at times.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young, and it was a distant relative. It really had little or
no impact on my
life. The loss of my mom has been profound.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
almost painful sadness, confusion, guilt, responsibility,
embarrassment that my
mom died in a nursing home like a discarded
person.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Everyone recovers at their own pace.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was with her at the hospital. When I saw her at the nursing home,
unable to
speak, she saw me and grabbed my hand and stared into
my eyes. She knew
me, and I am relieved she was not alone.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking with my siblings, sharing stories from our youth. Talking
with friends. I
did some drinking, I think in part that helped
me let my "guard" down and I was
able to cry more.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The lack of empathy from the medical community, and getting rid of
my mom's
things.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't always try to fix things. I am a fixer. I was so busy trying
to get my
mom's leg looked at, pissed at the way everything was
being handled, that I
wish I would have just sat with her and
offered her more comfort.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Learned that it is important to just offer comfort...and listen.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
How did this progress so quickly?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It is a great release.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Not be so agreeable and friendly to the nursing home staff, and
insisted more
that she be taken care of. I was so eager to insure
that she be treated nicely,
and didn't want to be rude.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Arrive at the Home for a visit and found her in her condition.
Otherwise, I fear
she would have died alone.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I realized that for years I worried about how awful that day would
be, and then it
happened, and I took care of everything.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
none
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
someone profound happens and I want to share it with her.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would be lovely to be with my mom, laugh, get together as
a family.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That the elderly are treated so terribly.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I am managing well, and do not experience much difficulty now.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Wanted to talk to my sister.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They protect one another, and the elderly are disposable.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
none
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
That my mother will be joining Jesus in the afterlife.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Like an experience that we all share, an affinity.
--Regarding MONEY:
My siblings and I shared all financial responsibility.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I wanted it over.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The desire to call my mom, to hear her voice or answering machine.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
My mom's health was precarious for years, and then would improve.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Do not put a time on it. Just because employers offer three days
from work does not mean you will feel ready to tackle life as you
knew it at that point.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My mom feared death, and I often think that it was a blessing that
she was so
sick with a fever when she died. I think it confused
her, and made the death
process for her more peaceful.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My mom knew she was greatly loved, and I am happy about that.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
That I am sorry that it may have seemed that I neglected her.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I did dream quite recently that my mom was alive. I woke up and
told my
daughter that I had just had the best dream..she said
she knew before I told her
that I had dreamt of my mom.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
To not intervene. If someone dies, and they have been lingering
in illness, do
not offer acts of heroics.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have young children at home, and would want to be able to have
conversation
with them to help prepare them.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Wife. Mom of 5 great children, Christian, went back to school to
be able to serve
others.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I would not say a ritual, but talking and sharing memories and
allowing sadness
is a help.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
none
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My sister and I had a relationship based on taking my mom to the
doctor,
talking about her health, and the like. When my mom died,
I thought it strange
that we would have to develop a relationship
apart from her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
I am a Christian, and do feel that my faith in God supported me
through my grief. I have a close relationship with my siblings,
and sharing memories of my mom helped too.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
I felt terrible that I let the doctor intimidate me into putting
my mom into a nursing home, and felt further guilt and anger at
the staff of the home as well. I was the person who noticed my
mom was profoundly ill, not the staff. They called an ambulance,
then cancelled it because there was someone"sicker" then my mom.
However, my mom died, the other individual did not.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I think sometimes there is too much activity and people. I looked
forward to
time alone to grieve, instead of entertaining out of
town company.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes I enjoyed writing out my feelings.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I think everything was covered quite well.
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See Jan 08 contributions.
See Dec 07 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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