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See Current contributions.
See May 05 contributions.
See Apr 05 contributions.
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Mon Jun 27 15:52:01 2005
F50 in Jacksonville, FL =USA=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
sacred transformations web page links
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More personal info:
I will love Tim forever, throughout all eternity.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 2 Months ago.
Cause of Death: liver disease; Aged: 57.
--Details:
Recently, about 2 months ago, my boyfriend died. He didn't
tell me he was ill, but disappeared, moved, disconnected his
phone, moved to his sister's house (I didn't know her last name),
then died. I found out he was dead when I read his obituary on
the internet. I never got to say goodbye, didn't get to go to
his memorial service.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I din't understand it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I felt as if all my hopes, my dreams, and my future happiness
died with him. I want to be dead, too, to be with him, but I have
obligations to fulfill, a child to finish raising, so I can't die
at this time.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Don't hide it. Don't pretend it's God's will, or that I should be
happy he's in a better place. That's bullshit. It hurts having
someone die, it hurts like hell. I'll never be the same.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I knew Tim, a man with a fine character. He was hardworking,
intelligent, loved his children, and sacrificed himself for others.
He was never self centered or selfish. He was also incredibly good
looking, and had a great sense of humor. I couln't believe that a
man this wonderful could exist, and that he loved me. It was too
good to be true. I will probably NEVER meet another man like him,
and I will never, ever settle for anything less, so I guess I am
destined to be alone the rest of my life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking to my friends, and anyone willing to listen to me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The realization, that I will never, ever see him again in this
lifetime, never talk to him again, nere kiss him, hold him, or make
love to him.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Tell them that you lover them, and always will.
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am so angry that he is dead.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
no comment
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never have laughed about his death.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
know he was ill, so that I could have told him that I will love
him forever.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know him, even for a short time.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
no comment
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
no comment
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We would be together, dating, loving each other.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that such a loving person is dead, and herrible people continue
to live.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring him back from the dead.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt numb.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
n/a
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I no longer believe, I have lost all faith. I prayed that we could
be together, but the answer to my prayers was a resounding,"NO!!!"
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I know that I will see Tim again when I die, and that we will be
together, but all this religion is a lie, a fabrication, intended
for social control.
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I didn't attend, since I didn't find out in time
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
n/a
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I had an NDE 10 years ago, I was stopped from dying by my father
and grandmother, they sent me back, told me I could not come with
them at this time. I lost my fear of death at this time, although
I still miss them a lot
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel guilt, and regret.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd tell him not to die, to teel them, when he got to the other
side, that he wants to come back to be with me, and that he wants
his body cured. If he could have done this, it would have happened,
but I know that once you get there, you don't want to come back.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My father visited me after his death, he stood looking at me at
the foot of my bed, didn't say anything, but communicated to me
how sorry he was for leaving me, and told me he loved me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Give them lots af pain medication, and don't worry about a terminally
ill person getting a drug addiction.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would like to die now, but I can't because of obligations to
my daughter. I must stay here, because she needs me now.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Every man she ever loved was taken away from her, they all died
an early death. After Tim died, she never found another man to
love, ever.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I cry.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
My parents didn't let me know my Grandmother died, until later,
When my father died, I was 12, and my mother didn't let me attend his
wake, nor his funeral. Recently, about 2 months ago, my boyfriend
died. He also didn't tell me he was ill, but disappeared, moved,
disconnected his phone, moved to his sister's house (I didn't know
her last name), then died. I found out he was dead when I read
his obituary on the internet.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
don't care to answer
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes, I realized that I was prevented from going to the funerals of
all three people whe meant the most to me so far in this life.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
can't think of any
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Mon Jun 27 10:06:34 2005
F50's in =canada=
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
church secretary passed to me knowing my interest
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Prof/Studies: nurse
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Kubler Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of CoWorker, Years ago.
Cause of Death: leukemia; Aged: 53.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a reality, the end of "life " as we know it, final.
Leaves, pets,
plants all die, eventually become a part of the "earth".
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 3, remember being in the church.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the sense of "unfairness" too soon
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to accept the reality of it.
A faith perspective assists in making
the reality .
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the sense of family, and friends who care.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
co-workers, a memorial at work, my faith perspective.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the "unfairness" tooo soon
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
your presense, a hug, your tears are the greatest gifts. Rarely
are your words remembered.
--[My CoWorker's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
cme to accept the death. Time is a factor -- there is no time
schedule or framework. Each is your own, depending on the importance
of the dead one to your personel life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it becsme apparent that she would not survive this disease.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
visit more often. But my reactions and sense of unfainess kept
me away.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
it's over.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Funeral and Rituals
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Mon Jun 27 05:02:38 2005
F31 in Huntington, IN =USA=
Name: Angie
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Prof/Studies: Nurse
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Bettie Edie
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Self, Years ago.
Aged:
--Details:
My fear of death came when I really thought about myself dying,
which I had never really done before.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our physical life, but the beginning of an unknown,
spiritual life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a child, and my grandmother died. I could not go to the funeral.
One day she was "just gone".
--That first time, how it happened was
I was shielded from death as a child. When my grandparents died I
was not allowed to go to the funeral or talk about it. As a young
adult, and a very new parent, it suddendly struck me that I WAS going
to die and someday I wouldn not be here on this wonderful world.
This led to a very debilitating depression.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
. . . this hasn't happened yet, but I fear the death of my father
and my in-laws.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to allow children to realize that this is a part of life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my pastor counseling me about how glorious it will be to be with God.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talks with my pastor.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the incredible feeling of fear that overcame me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
never forget that the last sense to go is hearing. They can hear
you up until the end even if they seen to be non-responsive.
--[My Self's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have tried to become closer to God.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
we are expected to believe that heaven is just wonderful. To me,
not having a body or a house or not eating and just floating around
for eternity is scary and does not sound like a good time.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
n/a
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
n/a
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
n/a
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
n/a
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
n/a
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of how my dad is ageing and how I know that I will not be
able to handle his death.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that God puts us here to enjoy this great world, and then rips us
out with no warning.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back to being a child with no fears or worries where I remember
looking forward to heaven; not fearing it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
shocked and scared.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
n/a
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything. It is what pulled me through my depression.
--Religious Affiliation:
United Methodist currently, grew up Lutheran.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting; like maybe there IS some truth to all of this.
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
n/a
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the "fog" that I walked around in.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Cheyne stokes respirations, skin mottling, decreased urine output.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Denial/fear/acceptance/reoccuring fear from time to time
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
n/a
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
n/a
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
n/a
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Who I giver permission to make my medical decisions and if I choose
to have tube feedings.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Yes, that is my main problem . . MY death. If I knew I was going
to die, I don't know what I would do. I honestly think I would go
mad with fear.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Me, a hardworking lady who tried very hard to be a good mother and
struggled a lot trying to NOT be like HER mother.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
For me, it was the personal struggle to place my thoughts on
something else and not constantly think of death.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
n/a
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
n/a
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Therapy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have done this through nursing.
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Thu Jun 23 13:48:20 2005
M41 in Illinois = ?? =
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
link from other site
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bedside Book of Death
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 87.
--Details:
My father's death was somewhat easier to deal with than my mother's
because I had gone through the grief process before.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the cessation of our existence. When we die, we are no longer
conscious or sentient, at least s far as the living can tell.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and was frightened, although I didn't understand why I
was afraid
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how little some of my family knew about grief.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is natural
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Good friends and good books
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
coming to terms with the fact that I will never see my loved
one again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listen more. Talk less.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
go through the grief and enjoy life again.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
being overly attentive to certain aspects of ritual, such as
worrying about who's at the funeral and who isn't
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sobbed so hard my whole body ached.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
good intentions, but lack of understanding.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
learning about grief through the experiences of others and through
books does help.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I was lucky in that i had a chance to resolve issues with my parents,
at least as much as they could be resolved.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want any survivors who care about me to think and do whatever
it takes to make it easier for them. They can still be comforted;
I cannot.
As to others, I think the wishes of the dying should
be carried out to the letter unless unusual circumstances force
a compromise.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't know how I would feel if I were told I had a short time
to live. At this point, I think about death, but I don't dwell
on it. I think that death is probably total annihilation. It's
important to consider practial preparations ; your loved ones will
appreciate them.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
I try to realize that death is natural, and that I'm not being
singled out by a greater power when a loved one dies.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
I didn't go to my mother's funeral due to exhaustion and grief ,
and some family members were offended
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
After I passed the initial stage of intense grief, it helped to
reach out and be a good listener for others.
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Tue Jun 21 19:15:18 2005
F59 in Upper Saddle River, NJ =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, today Years ago.
Cause of Death: stroke? heart attack?; Aged: 81.
--Details:
I so regret that I was not capable of overriding her mental problems
to give her more love and attention. She so pushed my buttons that
i sought to avoid her, but now I just feel horrible about myself
and my perception of what kind of person I am.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
talked about through fairy tales, but we really do not have a clear
idea of what it entails.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasn't that close t them, and wondered why my father was so sad.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
sadness that she never had an opportunity to live a full, thriving
life. Her life was filled with so much fear that it was hard to
reach her. What did she live for?
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to stop telling pretty fairy tales and get into a deeper
philosophical and spiritual understanding.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my aunt died in her own bed, not in a hospital, which would
have scared her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
spiritual beliefs
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
noit having been able to give her more comfort when she died
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be there! Don't let the person's negativity rob them of the gifts
of love youo have to give.
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
see above
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I can't understand how to think of her life, since she really
never lived those 81 years.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I dissociated, forgot that she was lying a few feet away, cold,
in her bedroom.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I DO regret not overriding her fear, scorn, negativity, harshness
to me. I am bigger than that, and I can reach out and love so many
people, but couldn't really reach out to her, my own flesh and blood.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there when she was in the hospital with her knee.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
???
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
saying that she was now "in a better place", which at least was
true that she wasn't in pain, but she hadn't been in pain vefore
she died, I don't think.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am still crying
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she never really lived her life, yet she did make choices
based on her fear, and did not have to go beyond her tolerances.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
well, it happened today, and it hit me as I entered he bedroom and
saw her lying in her bed as if sleeping, but she was very cold.
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How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
Recently it has been my spiritual beliefs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Dissociation
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Sun Jun 19 23:34:53 2005
F40 in ottawa, ontario =canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, sometime this month Years ago.
Cause of Death: congestive heart failure; Aged: 82.
--Details:
She suffered a lot at the end -- more than any human should have to.
She loved life, and this slow, painful, and ugly death was not
fitting for the vibrant and passionate life she lived.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when we finish living in these human bodies, and our souls leave and
move on to the next place. But, because we're so attached to living
on this plane, death is often long and hard -- even if our soul is
ready to go, it seems like other parts of us are way more reluctant.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt disconnected from it. It was a grandparent, and then another
grandparent. I loved them, but didn't really get that they'd died,
somehow. My heart wasn't totally connected with the experience.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the caring and love that all the family members exhibited during
her dying process.
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
talking about it out loud. Acknowledging that it's one of the most
important parts of life. Helping us understand how to steward the
people we love through this threshold, while we deal with our own
grief and questions about god and all the rest of it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how mom, even in the midst of pain and suffering, said once a day
how grateful and loved she felt. And how touching it was for me
to be able to rub her back, or massage lotion into her skin, to
help ease her. It was simple, heartwrenching, and totally loving.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Doing the caregiving with my sister, and talking with friends who I
love and love me. Also, getting out to be with the dirt and plants
a little bit every day. And, when I could stand it, prayer.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Losing the woman I've loved most in this world, and knowing that
I'll never again feel her physical touch.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just be there. Hold their hand. Listen don't talk. Touch them.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned that you can find the strength within you to steward someone
you love through death. You're helpless to stop their suffering,
and that' awful. But just being there helps them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had to see her suffer, suffer, suffer and could do nothing
about it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
She's still alive -- in the end stages of dying right now.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they're too busy to help properly. They're too busy to be human
and care. But the palliative care personnel were wonderful.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Like I said, the palliative care people were great.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
they stop eating and drinking.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My dad came back to visit me through a medium.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
TAlking to people, my belief in some kind of afterlife/universe,
the witnessing vigil, and support of loving friends who call and
check in regularly
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
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Fri Jun 17 08:28:59 2005
F32 in Wichita, KS =USA=
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Found us by: [ Hospice ]
Death Maiden blog
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Prof/Studies: PR for a non-profit hospice
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Step-parent, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Alzheimer's disease; Aged: 73.
--Details:
He'd been suffering from Alzheimer's for quite a few years and had
been living in a care home. Most recently he'd lost the ability to
perform most of the activities of daily living. Finally he developed
a tumor in his lung, which if he hadn't had the Alzheimer's he'd
have been able to tell us about (because of the discomfort). He
developed pnuemonia because of the tumor and we chose not to
treat the infection. He passed away with his hospice nurse at
his side. His family had been in and around the weekend before,
but were not there when he died. (He would not have been aware.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our bodies expire.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the feeling that he was better off now.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it will eventually happen to everyone. No one is exempt.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it released my step-dad (and in turn, his caregiver, my mom)
from suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Starting a new job at a local hospice.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
getting other people to understand that it is natural.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't feel like you have to fill every empty space with conversation.
--[My Step-parent's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
feel that now that he is gone and release from the sickness of
Alzheimer's disease, I am able to finally remember what he was
before the disease.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
It seemed like he was trying to die at times. He'd get really sick
and then come back. Really sick and then come back. And then he
got really sick and actually died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is normal.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hold his hand again.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
convince my mom to bring in hospice.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I tell a story about Glenn, who was a great storyteller himself.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didn't believe it. (death of my young brother-in-law)
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
sadness.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
enormous joy. They were wonderful.
--Religious Affiliation:
PAST - Catholic
Current - Agnostic
--Regarding MONEY:
Once again, there wasn't enough of it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Being so very angry at my sister for letting her child wander around
during the service, even disrupting it for a brief time. And then
when she herself, when the pastor asked if anyone wanted to share
any more memories, she shared a dumb joke that ONLY my family would
get and that the countless friends and acquaintances thought was
extremely inappropriate.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
When someone mentions him and I have to say that my father has
passed away. I'm okay with it, but I can usually see on their face
that they regret having asked about or mentioned him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
breathing patterns.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My dad, not even a religious man, used to tell us that he didn't know
what He wanted from him. When we would ask who he meant, he'd say,
Jesus. Apparently, Jesus was visiting him in his nursing home room.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My dad was a pilot and I fly too. Sometimes when I fly I feel that
he is there with me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
With her it was natural because she was old. It has been harder
when younger people have died.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
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Thu Jun 16 03:52:29 2005
F17 in wishaw, lanarkshire =scotland=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
google
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Prof/Studies: student and part time work
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More personal info:
nope
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: .
--Details:
drugs
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something that takes people away.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wanted to follow
--That first time, how it happened was
mother and father.
brother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the emptiness everywhere. lack of his presence.
--What I think my (scotland) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is final, theyre not going to come back if you mourn forever
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it made me strong
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
mark. drugs
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the emtiness
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
you can't always be there so don't feel guilty, it'll only destroy
you. x
--[My 's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
nope
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Why would you do that?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
nope
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
do something to help him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
n/a
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
n/a
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
suicide
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear some music or ee his pic. or am in the house again. or
someone says his name.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it'd be worse, he'd have gone further down.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
whyyy????
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
i told you that already - i wanted to follow
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
distain
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
fuck all
--Religious Affiliation:
i don't do religion
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
just like anything else
--Regarding MONEY:
he got a load of money when mum died and i got it when he died.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the music
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
not being able to see or talk to him here. even when your seperated
from someone for a log time, you can still phone them and talk to
them. he isn't there now. never will be
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
extensive drug use, blanking everything out.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was hell
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
nope
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nope
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
im sorry
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
it doesnt
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
nope. fuck right off
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
bring it on!!
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I sorta like fading out. i remain, if only ashes
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
selh harming?
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
NOPE!
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
nope
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Rage
self harming. avoidance. alcohol
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
people
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Tue Jun 14 08:29:14 2005
M58 in Seattle, Washington =USA=
Name: Bill Stuard
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: engineer, retired
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 16 Years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: .
--Details:
We working overseas and he was (unknown to us) unable to transfer
successfully into college in Boulder, CO. His younger brother was
in boarding school in ME and his younger sister was in her sr year
in school in Seattle.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a loss of something inside us. If we are really close to someone
and they die, it leaves what feels like a hole in our chest.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
even the first time at 8 I felt an emptiness.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
a deep numbness; my thinking process stopped. I shut down but was
frantic to do something at at the same time. I had to take nerve
relaxants to keep functioning.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that each person directly involved reacts differently and has
different needs. Mostly people provide support as THEY see THEIR
need for it, not as the berieved needs it (even though the berieved
does not really know at the time what they want by way of support
either.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
over a short period of time I was able to understand some background
points/issues/facts that my son was being subjected to, that probably
added up and overwhelmed him. I am very, very thankful that I
got this virtually complete closure as to the WHY it happened.
It would have driven me crazy otherwise, because of the kind of
detail person that I am.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
feeling the sympathy from those around us - especially from those
who did not try excessively hard to show it to us. Just mostly
knowing that they knew how hard we were hit and were suffering.
I had one brother-in-law who was instantly there and said and
did anything he could to help us. His help as well as direct and
indirect support was unbelievable.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I was the father; I had to take the lead role. So, the first hardest
thing was to organize the return home, the funeral details and the
cleanup after wards: the details of our son's life.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
dna, don't know
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
no answer
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
early on, not knowing more details of what physically happened.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
did not happen to me at all.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
don't know
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
don't know
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
don't know
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
don't know
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I recall some of the gentel kindness's people felt or acted out
for our family.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I've never had that dream. After many, many years I came to think
once in awhile (as his sister and brother got into their 30's)
what he would look like and be like. It has only been after almost
16 years that I'll wake up and realize my son has been a part of
a dream.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
not for quite a while. I eventually routinely thought "what a loss,
he was so young(20) and boy would he have been good in his profession
(computer science)
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
It's not too bad anymore.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
kept relating to phone conversations I had with my son in Boulder
from our workplace overseas. I felt alone.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
does not apply in this case.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
dna
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
very little
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right
--Regarding MONEY:
I was pretty aware of it at all stages because I was arranging the
details of the funeral, burial, etc. I had always been told that
funerals were very expensive so I was very cautious.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there were lots of people and I was glad for my son that they came
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
don't know
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
dna
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
that did not happen then to me nor have I had anything like happen
yet (16 years now)
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no unresolved issues at all. We were close. I just wish, obviously,
I had some understood some of the factors that we feel contributed
to the suicide. Maybe we could have prevented it: some were
very correctable. However, I feel that some factors were a deep
part of his psychy and would likely have presented themselves again
and again.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Came close when I saw the body in a private viewing in the funeral
home.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
has not happened to anyone I know.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
medical and financial powers of attorney; to know the wishes in
several areas of the dying person.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I've thought a lot about death since. As I approach 59 years of
age I'm afraid I'm going to obsess about my death. I feel I will
be more and more afraid as time goes on - and I don't know how to
improve that.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
worked hard most times, very interested in helping people, did some
good things for people, loved his wife and family.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
none
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no, none
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no, we were too removed from the cities where most of the involved
people lived. There as an instant closeness we felt/I felt for his
girlfriend who was with him in Boulder. I believe I felt that more
than she did, though.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
my young age was the only defense; no discussions at all that I
can remember from my family.
nothing really
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
dna
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me focus and come up with some answers in a couple cases.
It made me remember some kindness's some people did/felt for us.
It made me recall some emotions for my son's loss. It was quite
good.
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Sat Jun 11 16:32:47 2005
F23 in Palmerston, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
looking at iq tests
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Prof/Studies: Art
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tao te ching
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
lao tzu
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 7 Years ago.
Cause of Death: being put down; Aged: 13.
--Details:
I watched the dog die infront of my eyes
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When our physical body is damaged or warn out to the point of not
working anymore. The spirit rejoins the unseen force.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was facinated
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My do cats and my Grandfather Aunt Lucy the extreme grief
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's not the end
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the full realization of how much love I actually held for them
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Letting it all out
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I already have trouble dealing with everyday emotions
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen
--[My Great GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to cry in public
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why people get embalmed
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
precognition
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
not collecting my dogs ashes
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be a support
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people take one last look at the body
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
how the body looked
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have a massivly depressive episode
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
nope
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he had to suffer is silence for so long
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
control my saddness
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
brokedown
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
not having enough money
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
brief
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
misunderstanding of what was really occuring
--Religious Affiliation:
taoist/christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right
--Regarding MONEY:
I hate money
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
good
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
being near a corpse
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the death of grandparents and parents
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I let it all out
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
true but not a literal as usually explained
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
life and death are real
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
speaking aloud
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
honesty
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
subtle or intense
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
proper goodbyes
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
out with a bang
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
she lived life to the fullest
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
throwing myself on the grownd screaming
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
take no love for granted
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
nope
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Funeral and Rituals
moral support
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
bi-polar disorder
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
friends
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
deep interest
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Wed Jun 8 17:28:52 2005
F34 in Columbus, Ohio =USA=
Name: Paula
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Customer Service Rep
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More personal info:
You can post any of my information in response to the survey.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 8 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 53.
--Details:
I saw him two days before he died. He was fine. I went to my
parents house the day he died to pick up my daughter. I asked Mom
where Dad was and she said he was laying down because he did not
feel well. I didn't want to disturb him so I told her to tell him I
loved him and would see him later. He was dead about an hour later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an end and a beginning. It is the end of the only world we have
ever known and the beginning of a world we have faith and belief in.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
The first death of someone really close to me was my dad and I
completely fell apart. Shortly after my dad's death I lost custody
of my children because I was drinking too much and neglecting them.
I did gain custody back less than a year later but I can't change
what I did. I have been sober for almost four years now.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
He was gone. No more, "Michele" (my middle name), no more chin
scratches, no more "Baby Girls(my daughters nickname). No more
My Dad. Never.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
We all face it, faith in God and Heaven can make it a little
less scary.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
God was there for me, I couldn't realize it then but he was.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Time, only time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Never hearing my dad's voice again. I am not sure if remember what
he really sounded like.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them cry. Crying doesn't really make you feel better but it
is so neccessary. It does help let out some of your grief.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was so angry at him. How could he just up and leave us like that?
How could he just die? I felt so bad for being so mad at him but
I realize that it was okay, those were just feelings I had to let
myself feel.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
They told me he was dead. My dad couldn't be dead.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Life goes on. My kids would still do completely crazy things and
you still are human and you still laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
go fishing with him one more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get out of bed the morning of the funeral.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
People would recount fond memories of my dad to me. That meant
the world to me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
How big of flower arrangements people sent. I remember the kind
stories people told but not one bouquet.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
a certain song or movie that my dad loved comes on. Or if drive
by certain places that remind me of him. Like a car lot where he
bought a car and later sold it to me and I didn't get the insurance
yet and the car got stolen and my dad didn't make me finish paying
him for it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would just have my dad. My life I hope would still be the same
but I could share my happiness with my dad.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Not my dad. Not my dad. Not my dad.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Have my dad back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
crumpled to the floor and begged them to stop lying to me, that
was so mean, you shouldn't lie about something like that.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Respect and thankfulness. I believe that it was just his "time".
But the medics and hospital staff did everything they could to
save him.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Relief. Prayers can mean so much at a time like this. Just to
know that all of these people are asking God to help you through
this is a blessing.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Comforting.
--Regarding MONEY:
We were very lucky that money was not an issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
A great saddness.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I felt very detached from everyone around me, like they could not
understand how deep my grief was.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
n/a
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I did not then nor since then experienced this. I have had a few
dreams with my dad in them but I can never remember them very well,
only that he was in them. I do find that very comforting.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I had a good relationship with my dad. My only wish would be that
he could have met my husband. I had a few bad relationships while
my dad was still alive and I wish that he could see that I found
a guy alot like him in so many ways.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Again, even though I have had dreams about my dad I cannot really
remember what they are about. Only that it is a comfort to me if
I remember that he was in them.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
If you have a particular wish put it in writing to ensure that it
is carried out.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I try to live each day as my last. I try to kind and a good mother,
wife, daughter, sister, and friend. I want people to remember me
as kind.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
n/a
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote my dad letters. I still do though not as often. I do like
to reread the letters I wrote soon after his death and the years
that followed. It is interesting and a little frightening to see
how angry I was the first couple of years after his death.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I try to remember to tell and show people that are important to me
how much I love them as often as I can.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I met my husband three months after my dad died and we have been
together for over eight years and married for almost seven.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
Nothing but time can help.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
This was my dad, he was still young, he wasn't supposed to die.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
n/a Only time.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes, it was nice to "talk" about my dad. I don't know that it would
help anyone else but I like to talk about him and rememeber him.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
n/a
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Wed Jun 8 12:22:52 2005
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
"When Parents Die"
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 Weeks ago.
Cause of Death: massive stroke; Aged: .
--Details:
He suffered a massive stroke while alone, he went 7 to 10 hours
without medical attention. When we finally got him to a hospital
he began having seizures from internal bleeding in the brain which
caused all the remaining brain activity from the stroke to cease.
He was completely brain dead and our family opted to take him off
life support as he had instructed us to do many times.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a separation of the body from the spirit. The physical body we see
and are familiar with dies, no longer a part of our lives. They do
however, continue to live spiritually on a plane different from
our own. We do not see them, we cannot hear them, but occassionally
may feel their presence around you but that is it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in total shock. It took me a few days to realize what was
happening. I could not eat, I could not sleep, I began sleepwalking.
Then I became a combination of stunned, angry and very sad.
That's where I am now...
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
We were all somewhat stunned. But mostly it renewed my family bonds.
We are very close again, which had not been for many years. My older
siblings seemed very calm about it, my Mom was besides herself,
the younger siblings (myself included) were a lot more emotional.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Everyone mourns differently. It is not a bad thing to mourn or
to cry or especially to visit the grave site if it makes you feel
better or closer to the departed.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I know my Dad is finally at peace. His body no longer hurts him.
And although he was brain dead, moments before he stopped breathing
all the life was back in his eyes. And just for a moment I saw
my Dad and I could see he would miss us too.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my brother and my husband.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
being the one to have found him and the feelings of guilt and anger
that come with it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
always be at their side. Never allow anyone to die alone if you
can help it.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was not prepared for it. My father was sick for many years, so we
all had been grieving in a way for a long time; but when it happened
I realized how much I was not ready. You can never prepare for
something like death - emotionally; however you can do all the
preparations like purchasing burial plots in advance and having
a mortuary in mind. Also, I recommend learning about the funeral
process if you've never had to be involved in planning one.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Some of my family members were doing so well and taking it so well -
recovering a lot better than I was. I didn't understand that.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did that too...I think it is from an overload of emotions.
Your brain just goes haywire.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to spend more time with him the weeks leading up to his death.
He had told me about two months earlier that he missed me and didn't
get to see me much and I just blew it off. Now I wish I used up
every opportunity I had to be with him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have time off from work and them be so understanding about what
was going on.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I wrote my Dad a letter to put inside his casket with him. I wrote
out my raw emotions told him sorry, told him how much I loved him,
respected him...and I felt a lot better.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I get a whiff of certain colognes. Or for no reason at all.
I am no way over this yet.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
hypervenilated when I saw my Dad's casket. My husband had to make
me breath into a bag.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
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Wed Jun 8 06:26:28 2005
M53 in Wellington, Somerset =England, UK=
Name: Mark Dyer
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Registered Nurse & doctoral student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Naming the Silences: God, Medicine, and the Problem of Suffering.
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Stanley Hauerwas
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 36 Years ago.
Cause of Death: misadventure; Aged: 14.
--Details:
Noel (birthday 24th December) was hunting for gulls eggs, hanging
from an old rope, atop 150-ft cliffs in Ramsgate, Kent, when the
rope parted.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
That part of life which all living things on Earth share, when our
time of experience and control comes to an end, and we surrender
ourselves, in trust, to the unknown.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was quite young (16), and my belief system was ill thought-out. There
was also no counselling for youngsters in 1969, and we surviving
siblings just had to fend for ourselves. Attending school was awful:
as though a conspiracy of silence reigned. No-one would talk about
what had happened.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The dreadful letters from 'animal-lovers' who had read of Noel's
death in the papers, and thought he 'got what he deserved' for
raiding birds nests. I have loathed those with fundamentalist
mind-sets ever since.
--What I think my (England, UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To grow up! Death and suffering are inevitable; and learning to
accept them is mature. To deny them is immature: and we have entire
health-systems founded on that denial. This is to form part of my
doctoral work.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The memories I have. To have not known and loved the people
mentioned, just in order to avoid suffering and death, would have
rendered life so much less wonderful and bittersweet. My tears
evidence my joy at having shared part of life with them.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking with others, sharing the experience, and reading the right
books, with the help of my Director of Studies at the University
of Lancaster, England.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The awful finality of not seeing them again. In my mother's case,
I had not seen her for a year, and had not said 'Goodbye', or given
her a conscious hug, or told her I loved her, and was grateful to
her for the gift of life.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them speak bluntly if they want to. If they unabashedly ask
you to be their 'Executor', don't change the subject: discuss what
they want!
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have become firm friends with the brother of my friend who died of
AIDS. He and his wife are firm friends of me and my partner, and we
would not have had this friendship had Alistair not died from AIDS.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The Director of the Putney Vale Crematorium in London asked to see me
(in my capacity as Executor), and required that Alistair, who had
died of AIDS, should be put straight into the ovens, leaving only
his partner's coffin present during the funeral service. This outrage
was solved when the Church of England (by law Established!) pointed
out to the Director that he had been in touch with the Archbishop
of Canterbury's office, and that if either body moved before the
Committal, the Director would have been guilty of 'body-snatching',
and liable to dismissal.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I find funerals in which I am not involved quite comical. All those
funereal faces in the limousines. Also, as a nurse, I find some of
the emotional turmoil which runs in families at a time of dying very
humerous: sometimes because the emotions are so patently dishonest
and lacking in any integrity whatsoever.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell my mother how much I loved her, and how much I adore the life
she gave me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Never.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I have never had such a thought and never would. The language of
'fairness' has no place in human existence. When tiny babies fail
to make it out of small plastic incubators, how can a 53-year-old
man speak of his life having been cut short? It would be obscene.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Numbing.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Going through the expected motions! It was of no especial help.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian (with a tendency towards Anglicanism). If not Christian,
I would have to become a Jew.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I feel our essence is created to be 'immortal', because we are
created to be companions of the Ultimate. A huge investment has
gone into each and every one of us: and only a fool squanders
an investment!
--Regarding MONEY:
People emerge from the 'woodwork', who were not especially loving
or supportive in life. In my own situation I have a father who uses
his money to divide his remaining children from one another.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How the more 'celebratory' was the funeral, the more cathartic it
was, too.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Despite the distance I was when my younger brother was killed,
I knew something dreadful had happened. First I thought it was our
mother: then it emerged it was Noel.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Never experienced: though wish I might!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
As a nurse I am appalled at how our society does not allow us
to die at home. We are possibly incontinent (urine and faeces),
extremely weak, maybe vomiting; but instead of so-called 'loved-ones'
continuing to care, they all too easily use these as excuses to
professionalise care, and keep the person in hospice or hospital,
so that they don't soil the furnishings!
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Mark Dyer
He loved life, his friends, and was endlessly curious
about both!
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I like to pronounce their names to myself, aloud; affirming that
they existed, and have a place in my heart. I am the person they
helped to shape; and vice versa.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have become curiously intolerant of people who I regard as
immature: those who deny death, or who unthinkingly consider that
medicine's quest for everlasting longevity is a good thing. I am
intolerant of medicine's attempt to deny anyone dies of 'old age',
but always from a medical condition.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
My belief system is informed by Theology, by Science, by Reason,
and by Trust.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
Christian fundamentalists were the worst; able to consign a
14-year-old to 'hell' because he had not accepted his Lord and
Saviour!
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think I might feel even more strongly in four years time!
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Sun Jun 5 19:05:24 2005
F50 in Buffalo, New York =USA=
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Found us by: [ Hospice ]
Hospice link, I am familiar with the term Bardo and was curious
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Prof/Studies: unemployed
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Someone lent me "The Grief Recovery Book Handbook, A Step by
Step Program for Moving Beyond Loss" after my Mother passed away.
I found it very helpful.
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
by John W. James and Frank Cherry.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2+ Years ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 75.
--Details:
I was with her the day she got the call from the doctor telling her
she had terminal cancer. He instructed her that she would have to
speak with her family physician about treatments, etc. and asked
if she understood what he was telling her. He was on the speaker
phone so I heard the conversation. After ending the call my Mother
went into her bedroom and moments later called me in. She told me
in no uncertain terms that she was not going to do chemotherphy,
radiation, surgery, special diets or any of that stuff. She said
she was ready to go and that was the end of it. I promised her that
no one would make her do anything she didn't want to and then I had
to tell my 7 siblings and my Mom's sister. I knew people would be
distressed, but my one brother wanted to make her seek treatment.
It became all about what he was going to lose and not one bit about
what she wanted or why. 2 days later went with my Father to her
physican and asked all the questions I could think of about making
her as comfortable as possible during the dying process, what to
expect, would hospice be helpful, how long she had etc? Then I had
my Father take me over to the local hospital and get a living will
form and a do not resuscitate order. Then after my aunt arrived,
we went over to hospice and got them involved before I had to return
home for a few days. This way my Mother and my Aunt had the legal
forms to insure that my brother couldn't come in and force his
opinion on the situation. After returning I stayed with my Mother
until she passed 4 months later. Hospice was extremely helpful,
very kind and a good support for me. My brothers and sisters
came in shifts to say their good-byes, some coming more than once.
They needed this time, but my Mother found it quite tiring at times.
She and I had a lovely time together during the time periods when
no one was visiting. I tried to ask her questions to see how she
felt about things, but always a reserved person she didn't say much.
She wasn't one to dwell in self-pity and was very comfortable with
her decision not to seek treatment that would have only extended
her life by maybe 6 months, but what a miserable 6 time it would
have been. I also asked her specific questions about the funeral,
memorial, which method she preferred, burial or cremation. Whether
she wanted to leave anything to specific people, etc? None of
this got written down and it would have made it easier for me if
she had jotted it down. Even on a sheet of paper in her own hand.
Family can get very testy and greedy after someone dies and I had
to really be insistent on a few things in order to carry out her
final wishes. There was one thing I was not able to prevent and I
hope she knows I tried. I am still having a diificult time with her
being gone and I cannot tell you why. We were not especially close
family, we didn't confide in each other. In fact I actually learned
more about my Mother's childhood from another of her sisters than I
ever heard from her. Her sister returned shortly before she passed
and was with me when she died. You may be wondering where my Father
was all this time? I'll just say he was physically in the house or
out and about, but he wasn't actually present. Theirs was a very
dysfuntional relationship and for my Mother's sake and mine it was
better that he handled it the way he did and wasn't home much or in
her room when she died. His presence was always very disruptive
and unsettling and it was better that my Mom got to go with as
much peace as we could give her. She raised eight children, but I
know her life was not filled with a lot of joy, nor do I think she
felt truly valued. Feeling valued was very difficult in our house.
But I am so grateful I got to spend those last 4 months with her.
I wouldn't trade them for anything.
One more thing - a few
of my siblings became born again Christians prior to our Mother's
death and when they came to visit her would sit in her room and
read scripture to her for hours. After they left my Mother told
me she did not appreciate this - it was exhausting for one thing.
And I think a little bit insulting to her that they did not feel
her personal spiritual beliefs were sufficent.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Physically it is the cessation of life. You no longer breath,
your body no longer functions. Spiritually, no one really knows
for sure, but most people have some belief in an after life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel, or what
was appropriate to say to anyone. Later whne my Grandmother died
and I attended my first Catholic wake I was very distressed by the
emotion my Aunt, her only daughter displayed in the funeral home.
I had never seen anyone wail before and it was very distressing
to me. Her in front of the casket and so visibly upset. Not that
I didn't have compassion for her, it was just difficult to watch.
I decided if that was what a wake did to people I wasn't going to
have one and I haven't chnged my mind since.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My Mom's face and the things we laughed about.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is OK. A part of the cycle of things and to focus on how
you are living your life because death is going to come to all of
us, and a life spent not harming others is a life well lived.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Being able to give my Mom a dignified death at home in the manner
she wanted.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Hospice. Without a doubt. The nurse we had was very kind,
attentive and not only helped my Mom, but helped qualm my fears
about the level of care I was giving her.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My other family members. Especially my Dad. My siblings would
come visit and say "I don't know how you are standing it." He was a
very difficult person who sadly was completely motivated by his ego
and neurotic emotions. Other siblings did not behave much better -
some how our Mom's death became all about them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listen and not take it all so seriously. At least in my case,
my Mom knew she was dying and wasn't afraid of it. My taking the
day to day stuff too seriously was stressful to her. You can't be
neglectful, but chill out a little.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
The laughter and things we enjoyed are what stay with me the most.
My cousin sent my Mom a poem about the herafter. The gist of it
was I go into the kitchen and ask "What am I here after?" and then
repeats that theme throughout the poem. Both my Mom and I got a
big kick out it when we read it. But after that my Mom would catch
me standing in the kitchen, or the hallway, or the bathroom with my
palms turned up while I struggled to remember why I went into that
room, and she would call out "What am I hereafter?" We laughed quite
a bit over those instances. i love those moments, they sustain me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The few brief moments just before she passed, because she had very
quick shallow breathing for few days before, but it changed sligthly
at that moment. Also, what to do for pain the last weekend, becasue
it was the weekend I had to talk with the on-call nurse at Hospice,
not mu Mom's usual nurse. And my Mother was allergic to moriphine,
so they ahd to come up with a different regime. The on-call nurse
not being familiar with her case confused things a bit.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It is one of my favorite moments to recall. I was laughing so
hard I had to leave the room I was in. I went into to tell my
Mother about it, but was laughing so hard I couldn't speak, which
was contagious and she started laughing. Of course it all started
all over again when I was finally able to tell her what had set me
off in the first place.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Get her a better chair, one that reclined separately from the
foot rest. I wish I felt better about her pain management the
last few days. Because we hadn't moved her in a couple of days,
by now she wasn't getting out of bed. I didn't realize how far
the gangrene in her foot had progressed (she had severe arthritis
which impeded the circulation to her extremities, one foot already
had the start of gangrene when she initally was diagnosed, by the
time she passed three quarters of her foot was totally black).
It must have been extremely painful and becasue she couldn't speak
I only hope I was giving her enough pain medication to deal with it,
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there. My Father was incapable of taking care of her properly.
I was so glad I could arrange to be there.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Hugs. I asked her one day when she looked down if she nedded a hug.
Now remember we weren't a particulary huggy family. She said yes.
I asked that questions many times after that and always got a yes.
Hugs are very important. Also getting a baby monitor in the dying
person room so the cargiver can hear what is going on at all times.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Not mentioning anything about dying to the person who was dying.
I think this is a mistake. Ask all the questions you can about
what they want before and after. Ask if they have regrets and want
to talk about them? ask if there is something they would like
to do before they go? If they tell you they are uncomforatble
with these questions, then of course you must respect that, but
I think it was a blessing for all that I did squirm around these
questions, but asked her point blank and she answered me in kind.
It may have given her peace of mind to know it was all layed out.
I hope it did. It certainly made it easier although not turbulent
free to know these things after she passed, becasue none of my
siblings, nor my Father asked and they were left wondering.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Oh, it maybe due to the fact that I am perimenopausal (hormones are
all over the place), but it doesn't take much and comes without
warning. A thought or memory will suddenly enter my head and I
am tears.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
No I don't think this. i don't think our realtionship would have
changed significantly if she was still here.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I hope she will be happy there.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Hug her one more time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
In other situations besides my Mother's death it is an initial
sense of disbelief.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Scorn. Not that htey could have done much about her lung cancer,
but she avoided the doctor for many of the same reasons I do.
They treat symptoms and don't go to the root of the problem.
They are often condescending, almopst like we are an imposition in
their day. My Mom had a great deal of difficulty with her athritis,
but she didn't receive much help managing the pain from her doctors.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Excellent! Intense Gratitude! I hope someday to help the way
they did.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
My Mother and Father were Roman Catholics and raised their 8
children that way, but at the time of my Mother's death I was and
still am a Buddhist. This helped me immensely, although what I
have learned since about Buddhist beliefs since she passed would
be even more comforting to me than what my level of understanding
at that time was.
--Religious Affiliation:
Buddhist/Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like space. We are so interconnected with every living thing right
down to the minerals and molecules that make up everything, that
I visualize it as space, vast and interdependent on everything else.
--Regarding MONEY:
This is a difficult thing becasue it was involved on so many levels.
I quit my job and gave up my apartment to be with my Mom and
although I didn't incur a lot of debt while she was sick I had a
tough time getting re-established in a full time job after she died
and incurred quite a bit of debt. Also, money was always an issue
in my family. My Father could be very generous, but it always
came with strings attached. He valued himself a lot through his
children and those who were doing well financially he berated less.
He also seemed to think it was do to him that they were so well.
Those of us with less lucrative jobs wee hounded much more. Then my
Father and I had issues about expenses in taking care of my Mom.
I eventually bought her a chair that would let her put her feet up
which Hospice prescribed becasue he couldn't be bothered to think
about her comfort. My Mother who was in cahrge of the checkbook
would give me money to do the grocery shopping, becaause my Father
would come back with only the things he liked. My Mom was 108 lbs
when she got sick, one of my challanges was getting her to eat and
keeping as much weight on her as possible. Still she weighed under
100 lbs when she passed. Then their was my Mother's egangement ring
and wedding bands. I asked her who she wanted to give them too and
suggested my sister who was engaged at the time, but she said no.
She had already given her our Aunt Mary's ring and our Grandmothes
rings. She said you take them. I told her I didn't want them, that
she should give them to one of her grand daughters. But she said I
was the one who was there taking care of her so I should have them.
Unfortuately, this wasn't in writing and my sister the one with all
the other rings coveted them and it has been a problem ever since.
Also after my Mother passed, my Father wanted them. My Mother gave
me strict instructions on this matter, under no circumstances was
he to have them nor was he allowed to keep her urn. He would have
palced on his dresser and she didn't want that.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
My family turning on each other or being totally self absorbed.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How much I actually miss my Mom. It has been overwhelming and
we weren't all that close. i couldn't confide her and she rarely
confided in me, but mis I do and even now it is still very painful.
My Father passed away a little over 2 after she did and I don't
miss him at all.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Acknowledgement from my Mom that she was expereincing pain where
she had not before. Difficulty swallowing or speaking in the last
3 days. And in her final moments - her breathing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Crying - letting the grief come, as it still does. Holding it in
is unwise.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Nothing of this kind happened as far as we were aware.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Not applicable.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I don't feel like there are any unresolved issues with my Mom.
I think we love each other and that carries on even though she
isn't here, but she knows I love her and I know she loves me.
What else is there?
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you more than I knew and you were right - where ever I go
there I am. I think I'm finally getting this and I think I am
learning some ways to better deal with my issues in areas that have
troubled me most of my life.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have dreamed of her once that I remember, but have felt her
presence on numerous occassions. It is just a feeling i get as if
she is there watching out ofr me, or consoling me, even hugging me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
People should be allowed to die at home, with dignity and good
medical care no matter what their circumstances. Every effort should
be made to surround them with peace and kindness so that they leave
this world with a peaceful mind. An agitated mind is not helpful
to the dying process or to their transition into the next life.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Buddhists are encouraged to comtemplate their death as part of
understanding how there actions in this lifetime effect the next.
So I do think about this on a frequent basis, but it only inspires to
make better use of whatever time I still have left. I have a memeory
from early childhood of a conversation with friends about death.
I wasn't afraid of death then and I still am not now. Since we
can't avoid it - it is much better to make peace with it.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Died such n such a date, was confused and lost for a large portion
of her life but tried to figure things out and was successful to
some degree. She is deeply regretful for all those she hurt along
the way and hopes you can forgive, and she pledges to try not to
repeat those actions in the next life, but to conduct herself with
compassion and kindness, always remember we are all connected and
so love is critical.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have imagined her in a beautiful and happy place free of strife.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I talk to her quite frequently. Mostly comments like thank you
when I remember to lock my car doors on a long trip (something
she used to tell me to do), or a favorite Tv show of hers and I
say how funny saomething was. Or so and so won the Davis cup or
whatever - she was a sports fan. And when i walk into a room and I
can't remember why i am there I say oh I bet you are laughing now.
And it reminds me to laugh. I also remember her birthday and the
anniversary of her death.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
A woman I worked with, who I alraedy consider a freind of sorts
was very understanding and encouraging during this time. She gave
me the book on grief. She lost a daughter and was able to help me
with greiving process quite a bit. I still treasure her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I didn't really understand how to feel about it and did not know him
or his family, very well, although my parents knew them very well.
No one in my family really talked about it after it happened.
NO guidance or spiritual discussions.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
It was hard for me to get the idaea that one so young and who I
knew was gone. I worried about what it would do to his family..
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I would like to be part of the Hospice team. Although I do not
have medical training beyonfd Red Cross First Aid and CPR, I would
like to be of service to the dying or their family. I could give
the caregiver a bmuch needed break, or read to the person, or help
them explore their feelings or simply listen. And for those who
were interseted I could share the Buddhist viewpoint on death.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It haelped me solidify some of the experiences I had and remember
them with fondness rather than animosity.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
To the first question about the first death we experienced you
might add "Too young to be able to process completely" to your list.
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Fri Jun 3 17:07:09 2005
M67 in Eugene, OR =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Heard the word bardo and googled it, now knowing its meaning
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Prof/Studies: Art prof,.(emeritus)
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Through Death's Gate
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Joel Morwood
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart disease; Aged: 83.
--Details:
She suffered a heart attack with realizing it, so by the time she
got to her doctor, damage had occurred which proved to make bypass
impossible. Neurological damage also took place, and her desire
was to not come "back" more diminished than she already was.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The cessation of viability for a living organism, at least on the
planetary plane.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Didn't fully comprehend it, and did not really mourn.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the moment of passing, which was very peaceful and quiet. The
grandchildred (my kids - I'm an only child.) and their partners
were also present, participating in the event.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It needn't be as fearsome as its made out to be.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I was able to be present in the final stages of my mother's
life, both before and after her fatal operation.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Nearness of relatives and freinds.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
self-doubt about whether I helped my mom make the right choice -
i.e., whether to have the surgery, but knowing that her life would
be a difficult downward spiral without it.
For the most part, I
made the call to have the surgery and she went along with it. The
result was fatal, although if I were to have the same situation
today, I think I would still make that judgment.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Express your love and gratitude openly, try to leave no major
issues unresolved (but while taking care not to cause the dying
person any extra stress, guilt or anxieties).
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
My mother had a living will (no heroic resuscination measures), but
her g.p. failed to get a copy of this into her hospital file. Thus,
when she flat-lined on the operating table, they resuscitated her,
and she lingered on for 2 more weeks, presumably in considerable
discomfort, although sedated. I am confident that this would not
have been her wish, but the doctors were disinclined to listen to
my account (I might have 'impure' motives? Also, since theyr work
caused the flat-line condition, they probably felt duty-bound to
resuscitate. BE SURE DOCTORS KNOW ABOUT SUCH DOCUMENTS!!!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
(As previous)
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I am insure whether this was just comic relief in an awful
situation, or a quick glimpse of the joy of being released from
all this travail. Probably a bit of both. There is, after all,
a somewhat absurd element to the death process, if one chooses to
see it that way.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Make certain that the living will was in the file, and that the
surgeons were aware of it, and her wishes in general. She was
"ready to die' if need be, but did not want to come back further
diminished, after having suffered a series of small strokes which
undermined her memory and peace of mind.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
The night nurse on the final day was a true Florence Nightingale,
administering "comfort" drugs on a regular timetable, and providing
a tender sponge bath as she lay dying (The decision had already been
reached to remove the oxygen. The end came just an hour or 2 later.)
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My mom, seemingly sedated and unconscious, made a humorous retort
to my daughter. There were facial expressions that were hard to
interpret (smiles? grimaces?), and occasional head-shaking, but
this verbal response was pretty clear and quite unexpected.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
(Drawing a blank on this one.)
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I come across some small seemingly insignificant thing, such as
a packet of sauce pix from her kitchen, which she never lived to
enjoy. Same thing with contents of her bathroom cabinet - lots of
small evidences of fragments of a life not to be lived - and of
course a reminder of my own finiteness.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Interesting, but this rarely occurs to me. We had become good friends
in her later years, and cleared away all the detritus of the past -
my shortcomings as a young guy, my resistance to some of the things
my parents considered to be in my best interests (piano lessions,
e.g.). But I was able to express my love and gratitude. (It had
been a different story with my dad, who died 17 years before - I
didn't have the "tools" and the other means of dealing with that,
although we did clear the air on everything, and left no major
issues dangling.)
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Although a churchgoer all her life, she was a gifted singer and I
learned that her interest in church was mostly arounbd music. She'd
lost her religion years previous, and didn't seem able to grasp
concepts of spirituality of other kinds.
I'm not sure if she died
fearful of prospects of an afterlife.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
(I'm grateful that this doesn't particular haunt me.)
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
In this case, there was no doubt: I was present. But for other
family deaths, it may be difficult to grasp the fact.
My uncle,
for instance (mom's brother), who was otherwise a hale and healthy
specimen, died mysteriously one night in his sleep (alone in a
separate bedroom). No autopose was performed, because he had willed
his remains to a medical school. So the cause of his death remains
a mystery. There was no viewing, no funeral, nothing...so those of
us outside his immediate family circle had no clearcut"evidence"
that he had actually died (in terms of believing it and going into
a mourning process). When people elect not to have some kind of
memorial service, it leaves friends and distant relatives "hanging,"
to some extent.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
mostly positive, particularly the specialists. But her g.p. seemed
like a relatively detached personality, not warmly responsive,
etc., in short, not somebody one might look forward to seeing.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Organized religion is something that very few in our family
have
reconnected with since early experiences with churches.
What
religions have to offer is certainly positive for the
most part -
love, moral behavior, service, connection with
some transcendent
spiritual plane, etc., but few churches seem to be able to offer much
in terms of taking into account the things we have learned about out
world and our universe. I feel a very strong spiritual connection
to everything, but not through a church as such. My mother was
attending a Unity Church in her town for a year or to before her
death, and the minister there was asked to do her service. He was
not a lectern-thumping Holy Joe at all, and had many down-to-earth
things to offer; it was the perfect choice for our family, I think -
all of us being college graduates with a high level of information
about our world.
My cousin and family (living in the same town as
my mother, and who looked in on her steadily and included her in
many family occasions) are evangelical fundamentalist Christians.
They learned to steer around this topic with my mother (and me too),
whom they privately thought was NOT headed for Paradise because she
had not adopted Jesus as her personal savior.
Some of the best
funerals I have been to were those of persons in Alcoholics Anonymous
- these tend to be rollicking affairs, with lively anecdotes and a
certain about of refreshing irreverence - plus a genuine sense of
loss and loving support for the surviving family members.
--Religious Affiliation:
Not a church member, but have attended AA for 20+ years, and have
investigated the spirituality of many different faiths, drawing some
degree of comfort and enlightenment from each.
I lean toward the
mystical side of spirituality, as well as the dawning realization
that we are not necessarily who we may think we are, and that (as
Thomas' gospel says) the Kingdom of Heaven is spread before us,
and we don't see it.
I am also interested in leading-edge science
which begins to sound "religious" or at least spiritually mysterious,
supporting the sages' long-standing contention that everything we
perceive is illusory.
I was raised in Protestant churchs until
I went off to college, but drifted away from organized religion as
I entered early adulthood.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
As implied above, today I have a much more transpersonal view of the
Universe and all the beings in it...it's all connected. Whether our
individual souls and personalities survive death seems questionable,
but that undefinable essence of who we are (beyond the meaty parts)
is seemingly indestructible. That idea of non-dual Oneness is
something that I am working on. "God" is everything, so to speak.
--Regarding MONEY:
She was very var-sighted and thoughtful about this aspect.
Her funeral was prepaid, the health insurance provided thorough
coverage, there was a clear written will, her home and property were
all paid for, no encombring debts, etc.
I was very lucky in this
regard. Sale of the home was split 3 ways (2 children and myself),
which provided downpayments for our kids' first homes. It has all
worked very smoothly.
Moral: plan ahead.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
A family who had more or less "adopted" my parents when they were
neighbors (people close to my age) were inexplicably absent from the
funeral, although they'd been very very close to my mom, practially
like godchildren. They knew she was gravely ill in hospital when
they took off for a vacation, and when they got back after all the
dying and funerals and dispersing of household goods, they were MAD
at ME! They would never say why, and we are still not on speaking
terms. This puzzled me greatly. Did they expect me to track them
down up in Yellowstone Park to tell them about the death and the
funeral? There were some items from the house that they'd expected
to get as keepsakes (which I would never have grudged them having),
but they were nowhere to be seen when we went through the cupboards
and closets. I was busy dealing with my own grieving process and
running around town with death certificates to banks and doctors
and so on, putting the house on the market, closing the estate,
etc. Did they expect that I was supposed to take care of THEM
too? They too were obviously genuinely grieving at the loss, but
their behaviour certainly sent mixed messages. It's a puzzle. I
had no idea what they might have wanted, so not much was left
to give away when they finally showed up. I learned later that
some of the things we gave away had been given by them to my mom
for various occasions, and they may have expected to get those
back. This made them even angrier. I knew almost nothing about
any of that, but they were disinclined to talk about it. I made an
effort to open some dialogue about the situation, but they remained
mum. These are educated, sensible people, with whom we shared many
social occasions. We have not commnunicated further, and even the
customary holiday cards became a thing of the past. I've made my
piece with this situation as much as I could, but still don't know
what I might have done differently. Oh well. Bleep happens
.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
(as above)
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Steady diminition of joie de vivre, signs of getting tired for
struggling for health, etc. Occasional remarks about being more
and more ready to leave.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I knew a bit more what to look for now, having lost lots of
other
relatives/friends. At best, a successful surgery would
have bought
her a couple of more years, but I think that
everyone recognized
that they would inevitably have been dif-
ficult ones. But having
3 generations of kin around helped one
see the great chain of life.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Sorry, I wish I could report something along these lines, but no.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I've read a lot about these and have heard some accounts of it,
but nothing of this kind has happened to me. I have no doubt that
these are genuine, but whether they are actual post-life visions,
or just psychic defense mechanisms is unclear.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Resolved and at peace.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd express regret at not making certain the Living Will docuiment
was in her hospital file, but that otherwise, I had done the best I
could in the situation with the level of information I had. There
was practically nothing left to talk about in terms of important
stuff left unsaid, etc.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Sorry, drawing a blank here, although I'd be quite open to
it. Particularl with my father, whose death was something I did
not handle as well as my mom's.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
This has been covered pretty well in some of the other questions
above. But if the person in question has said something about
readiness/willingness to die, I would recommend checking with
other people close to him/her, to see if this sentiment has been
expressed elsewhere. In my case this was very important to the
decisive moment when the oxygen was removed. We knew it was what
SHE would have wanted, so we weren't torn by any questionings or
rationale we were hearing from hospital staff and doctors.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Lots of thoughts about this. I am even studying the subject and
starting to work with a small congregation of like-minded people. My
present level of fear of death is considerable diminished, although
the dying process itself doesn't look like much fun. More will
be revealed.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I'd mention my love of art, music, and travel. My long-term
commitment to recovery from alcoholism and consequent newfound
appreciation of good people deserves a mention. Also the fact
that my spiritual growth has ended up having more significance
to me than my professional achievements working at a university,
and that I couldn't be prouder of my kids, who are loving, healthy,
smart and functional people.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I sometimes meditate on deceased folks. I think the Mexican Dia de
los Muertos is a wonderful institution. Memorial Day also serves
as an occasion to be mindful of the dearly departed who played such
an important part in our lives.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Realizing that I am now the "patriarch" has a certain affect on me,
I suppose. But it's not easy to define...somewhere in between the
idea that "it's my turn to check out next" and "I may becoming an
Olde Pharte, but my experience is worth something, so feel free to
ask me about anything you like."
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Since I live 1500 miles from where my mother resided, I haven't
really forged any new associations/bonds with people.But I did get
much closer to my uncle (mom's last surviving sibling), and have
a lot in common with him. We e-mail regularly.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
First death I experienced in my family; surprised/ashamed at how
much I laughed and joked around with a friend about it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
No prior experience with such loss.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Luckily there was an extensive network of friends and relatives who
communicated together and were quick to give support, etc. (with the
single exception mentioned earlier).
So word got around efficiently
and this was not a problem.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Questionnaire has given me a chance to review and process
some
things around this issue which had heretofore merely been going
on silently in my head. It's useful to get them out of there for
external examination, and helps me view the situation as even more
resolved than previously.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Pretty good, generally.
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Fri Jun 3 13:33:50 2005
F53 in Victorville, California =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
Teacher, assignment
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: recurrent cancer; Aged: 47y.
--Details:
Mother had passed the required years of being cancer free.
Thought she was cured. Pissed off when it came back.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
is cessation of the life's physical force to exist as a human being
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 5yrs old. I was told my godmother went to heaven and went to a
better place. I asked why she didn't like it here and why didn't
she take me there.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The anticipation of the great loss and lack of power to stop it.
I wanted to stop it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Even with the great spirtual belief that I was taught. It failed
to sustain me. I wished that it did. My faith wasn't great enough.
I wanted proof of the other life, IF it existed.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It got to the point, that I wanted the pain to go away for me. I
wished it to end even if there was no place (heaven) existed.
It hurt too much.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I found just looking at the universe and its greatness. How on
earth that I exist among this greatness. Please. let there be a
force greater than me. Please, let there be something even better
than death. Not an end to this world...
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I don't believe in an organized religion anymore. I don't like
the prejudice that exists there,
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listen and hold them, and let both of you cry together. And wherever
they want to do, or eat. Let them.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
When you are closer to one that is dying. It is overwelming and new.
Now, with anyone else, I would be of better help.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Where will my mother go to...I wanted a guarantee of real place
in eternity
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I have laughed with others but not with mom. I was holding on to
her...I didn't want to let go.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
To adjust to it. It was like an hourglass of sand. The sand just
spilling do fast, my head hurt, my whole being
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I wished my instincts were sharper. I have done much more for
others than for my mother.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
That sibling react differenly and to allow them to feel in their
own way of coping and not to criticize them. It would have nice
to have a guide. Let us know our personal stages of feelings.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I don't like this concept of death, why can't we see the other side.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Passage of Time
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Wed Jun 1 13:20:30 2005
F19 in Victorville, California =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother-in-Law, 3 Months ago.
Cause of Death: renal carcinoma; Aged: 50.
--Details:
We found out 3 months befroe she passed that she had cancer.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
lossing a person you are really close to or aquainted to. It is a
horrible thing and takes a while to get past you.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
thought a lot about death after it. I had a fear of losing more
people and had a fear of death in general.
--That first time, how it happened was
My mother n law was diagonesed with cancer. We were really close. We
talked on the phone everyday and saw each other a lot.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being depressed and wishing I could do something about it. Also I
remember the family getting into fights and arguments.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing. Death is death and there is nothing we can do about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That my mother n law went in peace and has no more pain and
suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends and family. Even some alone time for myself helped me
cope with it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
dealing with it after the funeral and everything. Because it finally
settles and you think about it a lot
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Give them hope, no matter what and let them know that when they
are gone nothing will change and everything will be fine, let their
minds be at ease.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
She actually passed away. I wondered why she had to die and why
she had to die then.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with her before we found out she was sick.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be with her every step of the way.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
After she died what everyone was going to be able to get.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
something reminds me of her.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I thought it was not fair a lot and did not understand why it
happened to us.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring her back or see her again
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
did not know how I was going to live without her.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I hate it
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They will do anything for money, but will be there to help out.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
unconsious
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
crying a lot
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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See May 05 contributions.
See Apr 05 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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