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See Current contributions.
See Mar 05 contributions.
See Feb 05 contributions.
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Sun Apr 24 20:23:01 2005
F53 in SARVER, PA. =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: HAIRDRESSER
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
none
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a separation and a loss of the time spent with the person we
love. it is the hardest thing to do in realizing you will never
see them again until death comes to me.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was little and wasn't close to my great grandfather, but i was the
only one crying there at the funeral home.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
hurting so bad inside i could hardly breathe. cried all the time
for the longing for her to still be here.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is a passage way to eternal life and we will be with them again
if we know the lord.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
she came to me in my dreams and also in her moms church. she spoke
to me and her other friend the same message which was .........i am
here with you now and i will be there for you when your time comes.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
others who loved her..being with them and her kids and her husband
and her mother. talking to them and crying with them and recalling
all the wonderful times spent with her.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
she was so young .only 39 and a mom of 4 kids and her baby was
only 7.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
this is the most important time to be there as much as possible. for
them and for you. it helps to make yourself go as iot is hard to go
there but once you are there with your loved one you are so happy
you went. this is the one thing i have no guilt regarding the time
i spent with her and her family.
--[My GirlFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
just wish everyone could show their love towared one another the
way we all did for june. it was amazing all the people who loved
her and her family and were there with meeting all of their needs.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
we couldn't be honest with june in her condition an dthat she was
dyoing sooner than later.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to say goodbye to her...........a real goodbye . i was there hours
before she died but by then she was in acoma i think. i told her
how much i loved her and honestly words didn't come to me much
other than that one sentence.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there with her alot and do things for her like scratch her head
and hold her hand and just laugh and talk and share the last days
of her life together.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i asked her how she could handle all of her illness with a smile
on her face and not complaining ............or crying..she said to
me...........you could too if you had all this medicine in you!!!!
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
having so many people there all the time and not just the very
closest of friends and family.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when i see her new grandbaby.her first born grandson this week i
just cried as if she just left us.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
everything would be different. but this is not the way it is so i
don't even go there.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it is not fair............she was so young a mom and wanted to see
her kids raised and get married and have her grandbabies to love
and her husband and her were so close.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
make it all go back to when she was here with us.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did all they could do for her bu t i wished they could have
done more.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
hospice was involved a little but not much. it was hard for them
too as she wasn't told she was going to dye. so they stopped coming
after awhile.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
alot to all of us as we knew she was going to heaven and would well
and healthy and whole again for eternity.
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was so full of people who loved her and her whole family.it was
a time of great saddness and great joy as her life was a testiment
to all those who knew her.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
it seemed to be unreal to me even though it took 10 months for her
to die. she became so big from the steroids that it didn't look
like her in the coffin which actually helped me to want her to be
herself again oin heaven and that this wasn't her in that coffin. i
remember thinking that very vividly now..........i could hardly cry
as i knew this was her shell and not her anymore,.she was gone the
moment she died and left her earthly body!
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
she became very still and started to marble in her skin color and
just fell asleep mostly and faded each day until death.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i know of none...........her daughter saw her fly out the window
and slowly rise up in the clouds at her death.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
THANK GO D THERE WER ENO ISSUES TO BE RESOLVED WITH JUNE AND AND
I. THE ONLY THING I WISH WERE DIFFERENT WERE THAT THE TRUTH BE TOLD
TO HER IN HER FINAL MONTHS OF LIFE.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
THE ONLY THING I WOULD WANRT TO SAY IF I COULD IS THAT I WANTED TO
TELL HER MUCH I WAS GOIN GTO MISS HER AND HOW IMPORTANT SHE WAS IN
MY LIFE. SHE WAS HAPPINESS AND JOY AND HOME....SHE WELCOMED ALL
INTO HER HOME WITH LOVE AND UNLOCKED DOORS AND ALWAYS A SNACK OR
MEAL OR BAKED GOODS ON HER COUNTER................
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
YES THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME WITH JUNE SEVERAL TIMES AND IN SEVERAL
WAYS. I USED TO BEG FOR HER TO COME TO ME AND SHE NEVER IDD AND
THEN ONE NIGHT AS I LAY IN BED AND HAD MY EYES CLOSED ....BUT NOT
SLEEPING YET.............SHE CAME INTO MY EYES AS IF IT WERE A
CAMERA LENSE TRYING TO FOCUS. IT WAS FUZZY AT FIRST AND THEN HER
FACE CLEARED AND CLEARED UNTIL I SAW HER BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY SMILING
FACE IN MY EYES AND SHE FADED OUT AND RETURNED THE SAME WAY 3 TIMES
AS I LAYED THERE WITH MY EYES SHUT!!! IT WAS IF SHE WAS SHOWING ME
SHE WAS TRULY HAPPY AND HEALTHY AND WELL AND THAT I NEED NOT WORRY
ANYMORE AND LET HER GO TO BE HAPPY WHERE SHE WAS IN HEAVEN! SHE
ALSO WANTED EVERHTING TO BE PINK WHEN SHE DIED AND SAID SHE WOULD
SHOW HERSELF IN THAT WAY. THE NIGHT OF HER FUNERAL WHEN I CAME HOME
I WENT OUTSIDE AND LOOKED UP INTO THE SKY OVER MY HOME AND THERE
WERE PINK STARS JUST DANCING IN THE SKY!!! IT WAS HER!!! SHOWING
ME SHE WAS FREE AND HAPPY AND SAFE AND DANCING!!!......THEN IN
CHURCH WITH HER MOM AND HER OTHER GOOD FRIEND. WE WERE ALL HOLDING
HANDS AND THIS WAS YEARS AFTER HER DEATH.A FEW YEARS.......WE
WERE SINGING HOW GREAT THOU ART..............AND I HEARD THIS
VOICE IN MY HEAD AND IT WAS JUNE!!!! SHE SAID VERY CLEAR WORDS TO
ME................THAT EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T KNOW IT SHE WAS THERE
ALL THE TIME NEAR ME ...........THAT SHE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE AND
THAT WHEN IT IS MY TIME SHE WILL BE THERE FOR ME TO GREET ME IN
HEAVEN!! SHE WOULD ESCORT ME THERE AND COMFORT ME THERE! THIS HAD
TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE OF HAPPINESS AND JOY!!!! WHEN THE SERVICE
WAS OVER .......PEGGY.WHO WAS HOLDING MY HAND AND WAS JUNES OTHER
BEST FRIEND...........WE BEGAN TO TALK AND I NOTICED TEARS WERE
RUNNING DOWN HER FACE TOO.....WE BOTH HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE AND
THE SAME WORDS CAME TO US FROM JUNE OUR DEAR FRIEND!!!! THAT REALLY
CONFIRMED THAT IT WAS HER AND SHE WAS IN ANOTHER REALM AND ABLE TO
TALK TO US BOTH AT THE SAME TIME AND IN THE SAME WORDS WHICH CAME
TO US FROM HER! THIS HELPED ME MORE THAN ANYTHING IN ACCEPTING HER
DEATH. GOD IS GOOD AND ALLOWS THESE THINGS TO HAPPEN SO WE CAN GO
ON AND LIVE OUR LIVES WHILE SEPARATED FROM OUR LOVED ONES!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
YES..I DON'T WANT TO BE TIED TO A MCHINE TO LIVE AND I WISH THAT
MY FAMILY NEVER HAS TO MAKE THAT DECISION AS I WANT THEM TO KNOW
NOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT LIFE SUPPORT AND TO LET ME GO IF THEY WNAT TO
DO THIS TO ME.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME AS I ALREADY HAVE SUGAR AND HIGH BLOOD
PRESSURE......THE GENES IN MY FAMILY ARE AWFUL!.........I JUST WANT
TO LIVE FOR MY HUSBAND AND KIDS AND GRANDBABIES!! BUT WHEN TH ELORD
CALLS ME HOME I WILL BE READY AND HOPEFULLY NOT TOO SCARED AND NOT
IN TOO MUCH PAIN IN TH EPROICESS OF LEAVING HERE.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I WOULD WANT IT TO SAY THAT I WAS A LOVING MOM AND WIFE AND
GRANDMA!!!! THAT MY LOVE FOR GOD CAME FIRST AND THAT I TRIED
TO LOVE AND HELP AND BE THERE FOR ALL WHO NEEDED ME WHENEVER
THEY NEEDED ME. THIS WAS ALWAYS THE MOST IMPORTANT TASK IN MY
LIFE...........FAMILY AND LOVE AND GOD!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
ONLY THAT GODS PROMISES ARE REAL AND HE LOVES US AND CARES FOR US
AND OUR HURT AND PAIN AND THAT HE CAN HEAL US IN WAYS HE ALLOWS
AND CHOOSES FOR EACH ONE OF US AS WE NEED COMFORTING!!!!
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
YES I HAVE WITH PEGGY WHO WAS JUNES OTHER GOOD FRIEND. HER AN DI
HAVE BECOME BEST FRIENDS BUT NOT IN THE SAME WAY AS IT WAS WITH JUNE
AND I. BUT IT HAS BEEN COMFORTING TO HAVE HER IN MY LIFE AS WE SHARE
THE BOND OF LOVE WE HAD WITH JUNE AND TALK OF ALL THE MEMORIES AND
SO ON. ALSO WITH JUNES MOM I HAVE BECOME LIKE A DAUGHTER TO HER AND
HER ANOTHER MOM TO ME. THIS HAS HELPED HER AND I BOTH AND I TRULY
KNOW JUNE WANTED THIS TO BE AS JUNE WAS HER MOMS ONLY CHILD.
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How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
remembering alla the good and happy times spent with her.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
the worse thing was her family said not to tell her she was dying
so we couldn't be honest with each other and talk truly or real. we
also could not say goodbye because of this.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
BEING WITH OTHERS WHO HAD SHARED THE SAME LOSS HELPED MORE THAN
ANYTHING.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
YES IT HAS...............12 YEARS HAVE PASSES SINCE I LOST MY BEST
BUDDY.I HAVE NO REGRETS IN HOW I SPENT HER LAST DAYS WITH HER AND
I GROVED FOR SO LONG A TIME.BUT I KNOW NOW I HAD DONE ALL I COULD
AND LOVED HER WITH ALL MY HEART AND SHARED THIS DAILY WITH HER. JUST
TALKING ABOUT IT HERE AS HELPED ME.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
NO. GOOD QUESTIONS..............
F53 in SARVER, PA. =USA=
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Sun Apr 24 15:00:11 2005
F20 in Allendale, Michigan =United States=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Car Accident; Aged: 37.
--Details:
A kid I went to high school with hit my mom's best friend head on,
while
trying to pass a semi on a double yellow line. She wasnt
killed immediately,
and my peer received a broken hip and was in a
drug induced coma for a few
days. After he came back to school, he
was very mean to me, and seemed to
have no remorse for what he did.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when you cease to exist as yourself
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused and frightened.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather died of cancer when I was about five or six.
I wasnt very close
to him because I was so young, but it was
still difficult for me to deal with
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
missing the deceased
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
dying with dignity.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that because of all the death I have seen and dealt with, I feel
as though I
respect life and have a deep understanding that you
have to live by the
moment
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to those around me. Letting myself deal with the emotions
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the permanance of it all
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Make the most out of the time you have. Talk to the person about
them
dying if they want to
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
forgiveness is key in an accident, if you remain angry at the perosn
who
caused the death it just causes unneccessay pain and suffering
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my friends kids were immediately motherless
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
the person who died would most likely want you to remember their
life and
the good times. Laughing is okay.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say "I love you" one last time
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for her kids
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she died so young
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
vomited
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Upbringing
Death, although sad, has always been a part of my life. It happens
to everyone, and its not like we wont see these people again
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
It seems to me that the less people talked about it, the harder
dealing with a death was
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Wed Apr 20 14:54:24 2005
M55 in Austin, , Texas =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
googled bardo, trying for understanding
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Prof/Studies: beekeeper
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
"Miracle of Love" stories about Neem Karoli, The Heart of the
Buddha's Teachings" by Naht Thich Hanh, The Art of Happiness,
HH 14th Dalai Lama
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Ram Dass, Naht Thich Hanh, HH the 14th Dalai Lama,
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: enlarged heart; Aged: 12.
--Details:
My beloved Sam, a labrador retriever, he loved me with all his
heart. I am crying now writing about it. He was dying of congestive
heart failure, the vet showed us the xray of his enlarged heart. He
was having these attacks where he would almost die and then
come back, closer and closer together. The vet came out to the
house and put him to sleep in our arms. I never knew if we did
the right thing. He would have lived another day at most, but I
alwayys wondered if we should have let him go naturally, he was
suffering so. There wqas an article in Tricycle recently about pet
euthanasia, and this lama said it was wrong, but people wrote back
to the magazine's next issue and disagreed. I still don't know. I
pray for him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a process by which an organism breaks down irretrievably, during
which the spirit leaves and is gone. The body decays and its parts
return to nature.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a child. My grandfather died and I remember the funeral. We
weren't close and I didn't spend a lot time thinking about it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Sam in our arms. The grief. Irretrievable loss.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
understanding. Our western culture is caught up in dysfunctional
belief systems which I believe are a hindrance to the soul and
cause great fear.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Sam's love and devotion to me. About a year before he died, when he
was still healthy, I was a personal low point in my life and I was
sitting on the back porch filled with sadness and he came over and
laid his head on my shoulder. He actually tried to comfort me. I
don't believe this to be an anthropomorphism. He cared.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a friend who raises labrador retrievers gave us a pup last year after
we met the mother who was pregnant with her at the time. Another
friends at alost the same time gave us a dachsund puppy, so now
we have Dorothy and George in our lives and I see such love and
happiness twinnkling in their eyes. It's all one love, one heart,
everywhere.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
"when you're out of the blue and into the black, they give you this
and take back that.
and when you're gone, you don't come back"
~Neil Young
separation from the beloved
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
loving kindness and affection are the most important things
--[My dog's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
developed a desire to lead a better life and be there for others too.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Sam was put to sleep instead of dying naturally. I still don't
know. I wonder how he would feel about it. I hope he's okay,
wherever he is.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it made it ok. About a year after our other dog, Pompey died of
old age, and I was putting flowers on their graves, and I laughed
at a funny memory I had of them together.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
obtain spiritual advice.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
it was all one
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
it was all one
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I walk by their graves. They are buried together on our farm.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
"Everything dies, baby, that's a fact.
Every little thing that
dies, it comes back.
Put on your red dress, we'll go out tonite,
and we'll party til the morning light." ~
RobbieRobertson
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I wanted to be able to fix him and keep him with me longer,
attachment.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
liberate all sentient beings from suffering
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried and cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
He is still our veterinarian. He's a good man.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
doesn't apply to this experience, but I've seen hospice in action
here with friends who were dying, and I hope for the same care
for everyone.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Hawaii Zen Center, Paleaku Gardens
--Religious Affiliation:
Vajrayana Buddhism, and my
devotion to Neem Karoli, Maharaj-ji
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like
One Love
One Heart
let's get together and feel alrite
--Regarding MONEY:
in the case of our father's death, it brought out a lot of issues
between siblings over money and greed.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
in the case of my dad, you could actually see how people really
felt about him at the funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I felt his spirit leave and it was gone.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
respect fot he wishes of the dying person.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
only time can mend a broken heart, but love is everywhere in all
sentient beings. I try to lead a spiritual life, though I'm not
very good at it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
the blessing of Neem Karoli, his presence and love.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I'm a hippy from the 60's. I've had a number of psychedelic and
other visionary experiences. Terrence McKenna said nothing can
prepare a person for death more than a psychedelic experience,
though I wouldn't recommend that anyone take a psychedelic
drug for any reason. Thre are better ways such as meditation
practice. Nevertheless, LSD showed me life and death on a
cosmic scale. It isn't an accident that the first popular book on
psychedelics to come out in the 60's was based on the Tibetan Book
of the Dead.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
As I mentioned before, he was put to sleep, and i would like to
resolve that issue with spiritual help.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just hug him and let him know I love him always.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Sam went on beyond. I never have had a visitation or dream like that.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
disposal of the body, any spiritual rituals requested
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
May I be enlightened for the sake of all sentient beings. For as
long as time and space remain, may I too remain in cyclic existence
to relieve the suffering of all sentient beings.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
He loves you all, and he was one of
the best beekeepers that
ever lived.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
prayer
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Hispicture is on my puja (spritual ritual) table.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes, of course, the people who reared the dogs we have with us in
our lives now
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
What Helped me most deal with death? Dissociation
I never felt a strong emotion during all of it, we had a difficult
relationship in life
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Death Vigil
that was tough nine days for my family
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
spiritual advice on how to handle it.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It has been useful in healing me.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
its already pretty extensive. I almost stopped in the middle but
decided to push on thru.
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Mon Apr 18 11:59:12 2005
M41 in Edmonton, Alberta =canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: self employed
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 23 Years ago.
Cause of Death: hit by car; Aged: 20.
--Details:
dont want to go there
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
its as if a huge hand went inside your chest and ripped out your
soul, leaving only a hole and emptyness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
came across a bad car crash had to move the person gave CPR and
tried to revive but could not
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the look on his fathers face as he was standingat the foot of
the coffin the pain in his eyes I felt in my heart
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to help people dealing with to loss ,os that they dont deal with
it by drugs and so on
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
not a thing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
drugs
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
we will allways be with you
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
could be the strong one (ha right)
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that never happend
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
there was nothing
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
not impressed at ALL!!!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
this cant be!
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the best in the world
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What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs
i still carey the loss
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Illicit Drugs
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Mon Apr 18 08:12:03 2005
F22 in London, London =United Kingdom=
Name: Megan
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
google
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Prof/Studies: Admin
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 11 Years ago.
Cause of Death: I dont know; Aged: .
--Details:
I have never found out the medical reason for his death, all I know
was that it was something to do with blood and his heart. His family
never told me and I lost contact with them afterwards
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 11 and my father died form natural causes very suddenly. It was
unexpected and I never really knew how to deal with it. i think I
just got on with things. Or maybe my alcoholic step father convinced
me I would be selfish to grieve. Either way I never dealt with it.
--That first time, how it happened was
My father died when I was 11. I found ot from my Mom the afternoon
after he died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
watching people on thr Tv carry on as if nothing had happened when
my dad had just died
--What I think my (United Kingdom) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I dont have a particular culture so I dont know
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
He died in his sleep. or so I was told.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I just got on with things, I had an alcoholic stepfather to avoid
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The suddenness and the loss of someone I loved
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Affection, holding someone
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
he died. I didnt know he was sick. Also when my estranged brothers
and sisters showed up at the funeral and then his whole family
stopped talking to me
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was nervous and i laugh when I am anxious or out of sorts
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend more time with him and get to know him better
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have the time I did with him and know he loved me
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
his birthday or anniversary of his death comes or when they play
his song on the radio. Or when I look at his picture
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think I would be happier, more confident. I could have escaped
my step dad and lived a better life and been more stable. I would
be the person I want to be.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
because i needed a dad and I ended up being abused and treated
badly after he died becase he was not there to protect me
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see him again or if not just die myself
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
How can god take away my father, he's MINE
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
thats where we had the funeral thats all.
--Religious Affiliation:
None
--Regarding MONEY:
my share of the inheritence was split with a half brother I do not
know against my fathers wishes and his belongings were sold without
me even being able to look thru them for what was important to me
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my half brother who looked exactly like me yet I had not seen him
for about 8 years
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I never really grieved because I was too young to understand and
my monther could not provide the support I needed because of my
step father
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i have none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I had an arguement with him b4 he died about a stupid song. I wish
I had never said what I did but I know he understood because I was
young and silly
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell him that I loved him very much and that I wanted to see
him more but I didnt know how to do that. I would say sorry that his
life was not what he wanted and that he had to suffer so much. I hope
he would say he loved me no matter what and that he would miss me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would want them to do EXACTLY what I said and not change anything
no matter what.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think that after I die if there is a hell thats where I am going. I
dont want to but I am not prepared to change my values based on
some religion that dictates right and wrong. Maybe we just cease to
exist or maybe we come back. If I was dying I think I would prbably
panic and be scared but would not know how to deal with that.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
A unique and caring individual who led an adventurous and fun
life. She was a pioneer in the body piercing field with many new
techniques and designs to her credit. Her many friends and family
speak highly of her kindness and affection. She will be greatly
missed.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I just survived because I had not choice. Went about ny life as if
nothing happened
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still just get on with things even when i feel like dying
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Dissociation
I just blanked it out completely
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
A few months later a friend of mine's father died and I helped her
deal with that to a certain extent.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It has been helpful but I have not really explored anything new.
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Tue Apr 12 04:53:35 2005
F20 in burlington, ontario =canada=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
halton website
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 42.
--Details:
she slit her wrists and took an overdose of codeine
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
inevitable. but so much worse when it wasn't supposed to happen
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt alone and abandoned
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
hardly anything. every thing that happened to week it happened is
a total blur
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to help ppl who lose there parents at such an akward age,
i wasn't a kid who family could take in, but i wanst quite an adult
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing else will ever hurt as much as losing my mom to suicide
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i guess not a whole lot considering it still eats me up in side
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
everything
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
wouldnt know...my mom wasn't dying
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
nothing hurts else will ever hurt as much as this
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it happened
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i never laughed
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tried to do something
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
...
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
not a whole lot
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
whenever it comes to mind
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
the whole thing is not fair
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
did alot of drugs for 2 years
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories to hold
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Sun Apr 10 18:43:53 2005
M30 in =Estonia=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
seeking for bardo (checking if it was actually bard_รถ_; it was). google, of course.
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Prof/Studies: book editor, translator, webmaster, philosopher, columnist,
assyriologist
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More personal info:
No personal data posted, please.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Years of Rice and Salt; Daodejing (Tao Te Ching); Dhammapada;
Silmarillion; Sumerian version of Gilgamesh; there is also a witty
Sumerian dialogue between a master and his slave
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Baudelaire; Poe; Lovecraft; Kim Stanley Robinson; Marcus Aurelius;
Laozi; Tolkien; Monty Python (not exactly a writer, but they have
a very useful song in "Life of Brian"); Albert Camus; T.S.Eliot
("think of Phlebas...")
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 14 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: a little less than fifty.
--Details:
In a hospital, waiting for the heart surgery.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
hope.
This is what gives beauty to the valuable moments and
promises the end of all pain when you are weary and tired.
It is
the utmost temptation (and as Oscar Wilde promised, he could resist
everything but a temptation).
It is a gift, valuable and precious.
And something very beautiful.
Also, the greatest provider of comic
relief (just take a look at all the jokes people make about (and
sometime from) it, up to the Darwin awards).
Of course, as with
all other things, there are different opinions about this subject.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
became somewhat more sullen.
But I guess I was that way even before.
--That first time, how it happened was
Our neighbour was a very old lady. More than ninety, I'd guess. I
knew her very well; still, it was kinda natural. (As it anyway is
- it seems to be quite common to have a death between being alive
and being dead.)
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the way I stood on the funeral, people walking by me, uttering words
of condolence, and, well, I felt mostly discomfort, as I did not
suit there. I'm more into the old ways, visiting my dead friends
and relatives sometimes with a bottle of vodka and a snack, sitting
and thinking (or, if going together with some other friend, talking)
and sharing the drink and snack between us. Being dead is as personal
thing as being alive, so social ceremonies are mainly a source of
discomfort and clumsy feelings. So, I just kept a stony face and
barely said a word. Most of those around me made the usual movements
people tend to do, so they did not need much care from me, too.
--What I think my (Estonia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is nothing to be afraid of. Western popular culture
instills so deep a fear of death into people they tend to get
maniacal in their attempts to deny its existence, pretending to
live forever. Actually, an eternal life would be just mind-numbing,
as human mind is not compatible with that. My grandmother was born
in 1912 and she is sick of living; although she is as intelligent
and witty as ever, she is tired of living just too long. She never
hoped, feared or wished to live so long. And I understand her
completely. Where I was born, the old ways saw death as a natural
part of life. By the old customs, a dead community member was mostly
no different from the living ones, if maybe just a bit more powerful
in the spiritual ways. The dead visited their homes in the soultime
(about between All Hallows' Eve and the Yule), and people left them
candles and food, prepared the sauna by Saturday night and were a bit
more quiet than usually - just to make the dead feel comfortable. No
fear, nothing strange, just people who had moved from their homes
on one side of the village to the cemetery in the other side of
the village. Later, Western beliefs started to spread the fear of
the dead, rituals to prevent them from returning from the grave etc,
but it is still common in some regions to visit the graves regularly,
eating and drinking (most times, pretty heavily) and remembering the
dead. Even in modern folklore, it is not extremely uncommon to meet
some dead relative and have a nice chat, when someone has stayed
for the night on cemetery after such a remembrance party. These
old customs and attitudes help people to accept things as they are,
avoiding unnecessary neuroting behaviour and stress. (A part of this
is what the local cemeteries look like: they're always covered with
a lot of trees, flowers and bushes, which means all sorts of birds
love to settle there. If compared to most modern Western cemeteries,
they look like forest. And this beauty helps people relax. Also,
it is common for people to regularly visit the graves of their dead
relatives, take care of the trees and grass, planting flowers etc;
this does not let the fears grow inside them.)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Never had to "get over" it. If thinking about the dead and their
deaths makes me sometimes more thoughtful and serious, well, that's
the way it is.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I still regret somewhat I did not know my father better, as we
lived in different towns, and since I was three, I saw him about
twice or thrice a year; from what I recall and have heard about him,
we would have gotten along very well, as I am a lot like him. But,
well, it happens.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be quiet; listen; help, if you can, but remember: if you start
annoying someone in their last moments of life, it would even be
better if you weren't there. Usually, dying people are in pain,
so if they're grumpy, try to be patient. And if there is something
they want to settle to ease their heart (something to be said or
given to someone, some debts settled, etc), don't babble or argue -
just listen and do as they say. They ain't got no second chance,
so screwing it up is an especially bad choice.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I have never taken personal care of someone who just died. It is an
area where you have to know the practical customs to do things right;
so although I had nursed my bedstricken grandmother for quite some
time, I had to leave these things for my elder relatives. (In the
area I live in, it is still customary for the family members to
make most of the preparations for the funeral, as washing the dead
etc is a very personal thing and people would feel uncomfortable if
some stranger had to do this. However, in late years and especially
in the bigger towns, this attitude is changing towards the use
of professionals.) As is usual in life, the spiritual things are
actually easier for people to understand and to do than very ordinary
and necessary, but uncomfortable physical things.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I'd like to have known my father better. To have asked more from my
grandmother, all the things about my grandfather and their parents
etc, but also about all the herb lore she knew (I learnt a lot of
it when I was little, but I have forgotten most of it). And, well,
there was a girl in my class who went down with a passenger ship -
I'm not sure, but maybe I'd feel better if I had kissed her.
There
is another case - one of my former classmates and something like
a friend was also on the first course with me in the university,
a poet, painter, musician, and womanizer. Next summer he, I, and
a third boy from our course agreed to go to another town by th sea
(I don't remember the cause, maybe their was a party, but I guess we
mostly wanted to have a serious drinking tour). Something got in the
way for me, so they went there together and I stayed behind. They
had some fun, and evidently got separated in the evening - the
other guy has only fragmentary memories of that night, something
about climbing over the fences merrily, with bottles in his hand
and pockets - well, no one knows for sure what happened, but my
classmate was missing after that. A week later, I met his father
on a late bus, altogether with my another classmate; his father was
depressed, maybe even a little frightened, so we sat and drank with
him, telling him the boy would appear some days later, as he had
no enemies and was generally an amiable fellow, maybe he was just
visiting someone or drinking someplace. He turned up a month later,
in the seaweed. I know it's most likely bullshit, but I can't help
feeling maybe things would have been different if I would have went
there with them two in the start. I helped to edit his posthumous
poetry book, that was greeted extremely well by the genral public,
but that was some ten years ago, and I'd like to make another,
bigger collection of his poems and stories; I feel I owe him that
much. Still, I've got that feeling - maybe, maybe, maybe...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It is fair. It's life that's unfair, not death.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Most of the cases I had any definite, one-time reaction, it was
to tighten my jaw, being silent for some time, and if possible,
having a drink.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Well, they do what they can. They're just people, nothing more or
less; their actions are restricted by the state of modern medicine,
by the economical situation, by their (and public) attitude... Of
course, there are some medics who are better than the others, and
vice versa; that's the way with all other people, too. So, they just
do what they can. For that, it would be nice to be thankful. It's
not easy for them; it's not easy for anyone of us.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
mostly nothing. Most organized religions just strengthen the
denial of death in people, living off of their paranoid fear of
natural things. Even the popular forms of Buddhism and Taoism tend
to fall prey to the popular demand, although their more sober,
philosophical forms have an intelligent attitude towards life
and death. Polytheistic Neopaganism tends to be unorganized and
more superstitious than I'd like, although it usually has more
understanding about the natural processes than monotheism.
--Religious Affiliation:
Between Paganism and agnosticism (meaning I generally admit the
psychological and possibly even physical existence of gods, but I
have an irreverent, although sympathetic attitude towards them). As
an assyriologist, I know too much about how modern monotheistic
religions were made to take their claims seriously.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
New Age-like. Such a talk could mean understanding, that death is a
common, natural process that can be comprehended that way by people
regardless of their religion or culture (although it can be hard
in some contexts), but what usually meant by such utterances is
"no matter the differences, we all still worship the same Creator,
right? (though your ways are a little silly, but you mean the same
things I do, you're just clumsy and need more time)" Nope; we don't.
--Regarding MONEY:
I've never faced a serious monetary problem with the funeral customs,
but I have seen some people taking strange attitudes. When some
years ago my that-time father-in-law died, while moving his bed my
wife found he had hidden some "treasure" in it - a couple of golden
rings (someone's engagement rings, I guess), some small jewelry,
his mother's golden teeth he had taken out when no one saw him... We
felt like living in a tale of Edgar Allan Poe, twisted.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Formalities. In most of the funerals I have participated in,
even if there are some people genuinely grieving, there tends
to be a buzzing swarm of people who follow all the formalities,
spreading all the sloppy condolescent phrases, yet still leaving
the impression that stories express by the sayings like "Now, let's
all make a nice picture on the background of the grave - everybody,
say 'Cheese'!" and "Who will take the widow to the dancefloor?" Yuck.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Sometimes, some places that you have in memories about those who
are dead seem somehow empty in real life.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it depends heavily on the individual. People come in all sorts;
for some, it would be better if someone who cares would be there
for them, taking care of the little things of everyday life
(as grieving people often - though by no means always - tend to
be absent-minded), and later, trying to fill their life with the
little good and beautiful things - music, wine, nature - whatever
suits to that person the most. Some people tend to cry a lot, as
it is customary, babble a lot with the other people of their kind,
spicing their talk with a lot of lame sayings, and then forget
everything quite quickly. Some of that last kind are really better
off when left on their own, as if they are taken care of by someone
else, they tend to become capricious, moody and demanding, adopting
smoothly the role of the one who has every right to be nursed, and
refusing to rise on their own feet after that. However, when left
on their own, and becoming convinced they have to swim or drown,
as no one would run to save them from themselves every moment they
demand attention, they tend to regain themselves with a surprising
speed. As usual, the quiet ones are cut deeper that the screamers;
they have too much to deal with to demand attention from everyone.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
As I said before, most of the cases are about feeling I could
have known the dead persons better. But it is natural; so is the
regret. I try to remember what I do, and that is about all I can
do about them. I just try to pay more attention to the living ones.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
These days, people tend to be robbed of their dignity of death. They
don't have much dignity and integrity in their lives, so they
don't recognize that in death, too. If you are not one of those,
who are afraid of death so frantically they don't have time to
enjoy living, people tend to waste your very little, precious time
you have left, babbling about senselees things, trying to deny the
obvious, not listening to your wishes or denying you them because
they think they know better (like the impending death would bring an
unavoidable feeble-mindedness). And if you are tired and in pain and
you really want to die, they won't let you, preferring to drug you
into a vegetable, so they could practice their necromancy on you,
turning you finally into a living corpse, letting you digest a
feeding solutions, breathe through an apparatus and excrete waste,
but not have any intellectual activities. Stoicism would do much
good for modern world.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'd feel an immense relief. And become very, very busy.
I guess
that's one of the things that has kept me alive - the thought
about all the unfinished business. I have seen pretty hard times,
and I have learnt a lot about people the hard way, getting a lot
more disappointments and heartbreaks than most of us. E.g., I have
taken care of my alcoholic girlfriend for years; those years,
there was not a single day I did not feel a yearning for death,
a serious temptation of suicide. I guess I was too cowardly for
a suicide, like most people are - the actual process of dying is
a real messy business, so as comfort-liking as I am, I'd have to
prepare it extremely well, and I'm just too lazy for that. And then
there are all those debt to pay, old papers to sort out and burn,
things I want some people to read and the other things I want no
one ever to know, people I want to go find and talk to... There
is a lot of things to do, before I could die in peace. Little by
little, I'm settling these, primarily just for case.
But my own
death - I like it. I love it. I just hope I can bear waiting. I'm
just tired of life, and death is a beautiful thing to hope for -
oblivion, nothingnes, relief.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
"The late fellow was a poet, philosopher, and scientist who thought
better of himself than we do, whose personal life consisted of more
messy affairs than we could find out, and whose sharp tongue was more
feared than his wits; who gave his assistance in oh so many ways in
publiceing so many books in various subjects no sane person would
ever read; who lost his home in early years nad never got another;
who wanted to be dead as much as we did. We're glad he's gone,
and so is he."
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I like what's a usual, though more of a rural custom in this area -
sometimes, when I have the time and feel like it, I take a small
flask of vodka and a snack, and go to visit the dead. Just sitting,
thinking, drinking, conversing quietly. Due to the overwhelming
work, it is far less often than I'd like to. It is customary in
rural regions to have bigger parties for that, where the whole
village goes, but I am too solitary for that.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
Never been afraid of it; for me, it's not something I'd have to
"get over".
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories to hold
I regret I did not get to know some people better.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have always tried to solve my problems on my own. Helping others,
again, depends on the people; most people need very practical small
things to be done, and to be given time and peace to get through
the natural adaptation process. An overwhelming help will disturb
some and teach others to be "officially" helpless, so it must be
careful and tactful.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
In its wording and attitude towards religion, it felt... American.
As a professional philosopher, I like to contemplate about
things. So, I liked this thing, as I took it as a frame for my
owh thoughts, letting me think about some things in a little more
systematic way. I also recommended it to the people in a role-playing
forum I tend to dwell in.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
If there was more room for the description of practical, physical
customs, people would think more about themand their meaning for
them - and such commentaries are sometimes more revealing than the
foggy, widespread phrases people tend to use while talking about
purely spiritual experiences. Also, the general "what was bad,
what was good?" sort of questions comes in many variations here,
as does "what helped you in getting over?" - I had nothing to do
with that last type, so it felt somewhat...excessive. But I can
see its usefulness for the others.
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Sat Apr 2 22:17:34 2005
F60 in Rural Northern California =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Retired legal secretary, professional wildlife rehabilitator
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More personal info:
anonymously
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 8 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 82.
--Details:
I was unable to communicate with my mother about her impending death,
and I wanted to help her prepare spiritually. She was unable to
prepare for her own death, she became extremely angry and abusive,
and she and my older sister fought and argued for months right up
until the day she was taken to the hospital unconscious where she
dyed some weeks later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
To start with, our present life is like a drop of ink in a swimming
pool - a brief experience. Death is another, more mysterious life,
a life where an organic body is not necessary, and it is the rest
of the swimming pool - lots and lots of it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was very confused about why my little friend didn't respond.
The incident was so tragic, the adults were so anguished, and I
distinctly felt my friend's mother's anger that I was alive but
not her child. It turned into guilt a few months later when my
friend's family moved away without saying goodbye.
--That first time, how it happened was
My little friend and I were five years old pushing each other up
and down the street in a pram on the sidewalk. It was my turn to
ride when a car backed out of the driveway from one of the houses.
The buggy was hit and I rolled out into the street and the buggy
turned over but I was out of harm's way, while my little friend
was run over by the car.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that would be my mother's death ~ and how differently everyone
responded when my mother died, how some siblings seemed to have
totally lost support and let their lives deteriorate, becoming angry
with each other to the point where they couldn't communicate with
each other any more and still can't. I remain in everyone's lives,
however we can't all be together. I am still disturbed by this
loss of cohesion within our family, as if my mother was the only
thing that held them together as a unit and that they can't seem
to find a reason to continue to love and care for each other.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
My personal culture is Catholic. Death is sad, but not a bad thing,
it is the rest of life. It's the living ones left behind I have
trouble dealing with
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I like the sensibility and the ritual of friends and family
gathering to say prayers (called a Rosary or chain of prayers) for
the deceased, then the funeral mass with more prayers and beautiful
music, with the officiating priest, who is there at the Baptism of
infancy, then assisting as the soul is released into the next world.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I work exclusively with animals, wild and domestic, whose lives are
short but purposeful, and it provides me with a sense of destiny.
Wild animals have a wonderful awareness of and acceptance of their
own death ~ over and over it plays out so naturally - I find that
comforting.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
In the case of my mother's death, the realization that I felt very
disconnected as my siblings grew further and furthter apart.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
That it is a privilege to share someone's life, but an even
greater privilege to share their leaving this life. Death should be
considered a journey of spirit without the hindrance of the mortal
body and all of its inconvenient frailties and limitations.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
When I lost my little friend at five, the adults were so wrapped up
in their grief they were unaware that I was old enough to understand
that her parents were angry that I had survived while their child had
died. I would say that when children are involved it is important
that someone take an active role in guiding them through not only
their own feelings but any feelings that may be projected on to them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My mother's passing was so clearly unspiritual. I still can't
understand how she could have spent her last weeks in such a state of
anger, and how my sister cooperated by keeping up her side of every
quarrel until they were shouting almost all of the time my mother
was awake. There was no peace. I still don't understand this.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Nope, it was all about crying.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be closer to my mother, to be of comfort and to help her prepare
for the journey in the weeks before she died. It was her choice
that I not be there, and I respected it, but it was very difficult
to leave her in such a state of anger without pushing myself into
what was left of her life.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there for my father, since my siblings were engaged in a battle
with the funeral home about my mother's hair, the arrangement of
her dress, the makeup they put on her, the music, etc., that I was
the only one that wasn't mad at someone and could hold his hand
and comfort him through it all.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I was the only one who paused and kissed our mother when we passed
her coffin for the last time. It was an impulse, and I have been
thankful many times that I did.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
How mother was dressed.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see my family still fighting, only now it's about how the money
was handled, but there is still so much anger and it makes me
terribly sad.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't wish my mother back, she wasn't happy for so long before
she died - I wish my family were closer. As for my little friend,
I had nightmares for years that stopped in my teens and then returned
when I became pregnant with my first child.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I have had trouble over the years reconciling my five year old
friends death. It happened right in front of me, I was only inches
away from being hit by the car myself. Her death tore people's
hearts out and blinded them to life. It doesn't seem fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Help my siblings forgive each other for whatever they blame each
other for, get over the money, quit fighting and let us be a family
again instead of communicating with each other through me or their
very confused children.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
In the case of my little friend when we were five, I was kept out
of school which might not have been the best idea since when I
did go back to school, it was very difficult. In fact, it was as
if I had to start over again to understand why she wasn't there.
My other little classmates couldn't cope, they avoided me in their
own confusion and I felt more guilt.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
In my mother's case, tremendous gratitude.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
There was no hospice care in my mother's case.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I think the Catholic rituals are wonderfully sustaining for the
survivors.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a common bond that we share with all sentient creatures,
regardless of their awareness. That commonality is humbling.
--Regarding MONEY:
It keeps the anger and the disruption going so that it seems like
life is never going to return to normalcy. My siblings haven't
stopped arguing long enough to grieve themselves, let alone be of
any comfort to each other or myself and it has been eight years.
I feel like I am grieving all by myself when I am surrounded by
older and younger siblings.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was only my mother's friends and other relatives that were
actually grieving while my sisters and brothers were so tense they
couldn't cry and were percieved as being insensitive when I know
that they were terribly impacted.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
There was nothing unusual around the time of my mother's death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
An end to life is the beginning of a new experience. I am an
adventurer, I don't see the negative in new experiences.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
There were none that were spoken of.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My mother's passing served as a perfectly horrible example of
what I don't want for the last weeks, months, whatever of my life.
I can't do anything about how she died, and my husband even says that
I should have expected my mother to go out kicking and screaming.
I cling to the hope that she is happy or soon will be.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Definitely I would hope that my mother would stop her squabbling and
just sit still with her own soul. I think she was really afraid
to die, and was angry because she was always in control until her
final round of cancer, and it isn't as if I have to forgive her,
but I would hope that she would let herself face death gracefully,
be be grateful for the privileged and wonderful life that she did
have, looking forward to what our Catholic faith regards as the
end of suffering and the beginning of knowing.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
about seven months after my mother's death, I wasn't yet asleep
when I could clearly smell the perfume that she wore for years.
I did not see my mother, however what I did see was a vision of
my younger brother. He was alone, dirty, unshaven and ragged and
had all the appearance of a homeless man. I was devastated and
when I woke told my husband about this powerful vision because it
left me feeling as if I had really seen my brother.
I told both
of my children about the dream, and it continued to bother me.
I mentioned it again to my daughter weeks later and she told
me that if it was making me worry, I should call my brother.
What I did was call my youngest brother and his wife and told them
about my weird experience when I smelled mom's perfume in my room,
thinking that they would laugh and reassure me that all was well.
But my youngest brother then told me that our other brother had
"gone off the deep end" when our mother died, he lost his job and
had started gambling to the point that he was in tremendous debt
and was going to lose his house and probably his family.
We were able to intervene, help him financially, support him and
his wife through attendance at a program for gambling addicts, and
my littlest brother, in spite of the previous animosity, worked
with his older brother and was directly responsible for getting
him hired by the father of a lifelong friend into a job that he
still has almost eight years later.
There is absolutely no way
for me to explain about my mother's perfume and the night I saw my
brother living in the streets. My brothers are on speaking terms,
now although not close, but they still don't have a relationship
with my older sister.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Life is precious. But I wouldn't want to avoid death by artificial
means. I have a dear friend who was dying of cancer. She told
me she was calling all of her children to see her from where they
lived in other states. She said she was going soon, and wanted
to visit with them while she could still sit up and talk to them.
When they left, she called me and told me she was going to remove
her own respiratory and gastric tubes. She did. She made legal
provision that it could not be re-inserted, went into a coma and
was gone within three days. I am very much reminded that if you
have any definite ideas about what you want, it needs to be tied
with legal ribbons and not left to the emotions of one's family.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
And so, I can't answer that question without pointing out that I
have survived the car incindent with my little friend, I survived
a car accident at twenty two when everyone else in the two car
crash died except me and my child, that I was kidnapped with a
gun held to my head for three hours, and I had cancer twice before
I was thirty. I have thought about death a lot - which is why I
couldn't understand why my mother didn't know how important it is
to be prepared. I have been prepared for many years, and it allows
me to be of help to others.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She dearly loved life, and spent it in service.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I am a prayerful person, and I still pray, eight years later,
that my mother is happier than she was before she died. I feel
the prayers do have their own power and go right where they are
intended. I don't have a clue how to know when they have had the
desired effect. Perhaps one just feels that they aren't necessary
at some point.
I talk to my children about death, and about how
I would want some very intense spiritual time if I were to know in
advance that I was going to die. That helps me to think that they
know that I expect a peaceful, spiritually thoughtful death process
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Just that if one has the expectation of a graceful death, one
should make sure that preparations are made, that your family is
aware of your desires and be ready to help you accomplish this no
matter where you are.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have an older sister, but because of all the animosity, I
have become for my brothers a sort of head of family by default.
We were always close, but now without any parents and our older
sister choosing to be out of the circle, I seem to have been eased
into a position that isn't familiar, but brings us even closer.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Guilt
My friend's mother was angry and unforgiving - she became an atheist
because she couldn't believe in a God that would allow children
to die. My little friend's family moved away without saying goodbye.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
In the case of my mother's death, the lack of spirituality was more
serious than the fact of death.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I am retired from twenty five years of wildlife rescue and
rehabilitation, education and animal training. I still financially
support and am a consultant for the rehabilitation of endangered
species, operate a wildlife sanctuary and horse rescue, a bengal
cat rescue, advocate for the mentally ill in legal procedings,
co-ordinate a clothing, food and sundries distribution center for
victims of wildfire and provide interim housing for their pets.
I find that being "in service" IS the way I work through the process.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I forgot why I was really here, actually, and I would say that this
was a wonderful oportunity for me to express things in a sequential
way. It was exhausting, but very helpful, especially remembering
how I felt at five when my little friend died. I don't think I have
ever in my life expressed how terribly guilty I was made to feel
and how no-one seemed to realize it. Absolutely helpful and I am
glad that I did it in spite of the fact that it looked formidably
long and I almost didn't!
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Sat Apr 2 14:18:10 2005
F57 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
Leming & Dickinson - web links in student resource site
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
none in particular
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 35 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 43.
--Details:
Today is the anniversary. I've never related to that, but my mother
recently told me that it still affects her. He had a massive heart
attack on April 1 (for a long time I wondered if it were all a big
April Fool's joke), and died on April 2
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of existence of the body
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt like a large piece had been physically hacked out of me
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the physical sense of it, and my strong belief that no one else
felt it as strongly as I did.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to prevent unnecessary deaths
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how over time death has taught me a lot about my self
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
just time ... and my immediate family (though not all of the time)
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the sense of physical loss, and the need I felt to "make up" for
my father's death
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
keep close physical contact
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
slowly - over many years - worked out my sense of guilt that I had
somehow caused my father's death
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
other people (grown ups) wanted me to grieve with them.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
did not actually happen ...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
eventually understand my own feelings
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I cry easily - when things make me sad, when things are beautiful
and make me happy - I don't mind it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Yes, many times I imagined ...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I don't think about fairness and death any more. Death simply is.
There are preventable deaths (unreasonable wars, poor healthcare,
etc., that I'm more concerned about)
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
no - it is not difficult - anymore - at all. Life is good.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
thought there was some mistake.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
coldness and lack of sympathy
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
almost nothing - on the other hand a sense of family and community
was (is) very important to me.
--Religious Affiliation:
Jewish
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
straight-forward discussion with parents + passage of time
Sadness when I thought of the loss of the life - and endings
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Sat Apr 2 13:58:36 2005
M47 in La Crescenta, ca =usa=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Prof/Studies: student, volunteer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 26 Years ago.
Cause of Death: doctor error; Aged: 53.
--Details:
The doctor misread her catscan and gave her the wrong medication
thus causing her to go into a coma and dieing within 24 hours.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The next stage in our journey after living on earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
so to removed from the process. I was a child at the time and my
parents did not allow me into the hospital room or allow me to
participate in the dieing process
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not feeling emotions because I was so far removed
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
We need to talk about death as a normal part of life. Children need
to be included in the death process and learn to grieve
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My moms last words were to my dad as she woke from her coma for
just a few seconds and told him that she loved him
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
no one wanted to talk about my mom and about all the good memories
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
being by the persons side, sitting quietly, maybe talking about past
memories, maybe singing or praying
I am not sure I understood
this question correctly :)
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
once the quality of life has degressed for the ailing person,
allow them to go peacefully and not have them linger on
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why did my mothe have to die while in the prime of her life and at
such a young age?
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell her one last time that I loved her and that I would take care
of my sister and my father.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Allow her to die without plugging her into machines and prolonging
her life mechanically
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
usually when I hear Christmas music or see certain Christmas
decoration. when I think about how wonderful her grandhcildren
have turned out and the joy she has missed being a part of thier
lives while they have grown up
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I may not have the close relationship with my father that I do now
if my mom was still alive.
I may not have developed some of my
leadership skills within my family if my mom was still here in that
roll.
I may not be as close to my husband as I am because I may
have relied mom on my mother's friendship instead of my husbands
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when my childrens grandparents are not involved in their lives
knowing that my mom would have been the most wonderful, loving
grandmother in the wordl
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have my mom back
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I don't want her to die, she is my best friend and she just can't
leave me here without her being by my side. she will never see the
grandchildren she always wanted to have
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
it was the medical community that killed my mom
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I would never had made it through without my faith and my church
community
--Religious Affiliation:
current - Episcopalian
past - Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that there is a supernatural and He/she has the power to made good
come out of bad situations and give comfort when it is needed
--Regarding MONEY:
choosing a casket - the funeral director really played to my dads
emotions and we paid way to much for a casket!!! It was frustrating
that when choosing a casket that the more beautiful ones cost so
much money and it felt like if you didn't spend a lot of money that
you didn't love your loved one enough
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my mom was a stay at home mom,spending her time volunteering and
taking care of her neighbors and friends, however there were over
600 people at her memorial service - this say so much about the
quality of a person that she was
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
talk about the deceased, laugh and cry, share memories hopes
and dreams.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
everyone once in a while i feel her presence and talk to her. I
tell her that she would be proud of dad and her grandchildren and
that I am taking care of dad and my sister.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
fortuntatly, i do not have any unresolved issues
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would want to thank her over and over again for loving me and
for believing in me. i would want to hug her and tell her that
i love her and appreicate everything she did for me everyday. i
would apoligize for not appreciating her more and for not helping
out around the house more with a positive attitude
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i hope those around me let me keep my dignity
i need to be sure
and have my wises written down so my family knows exactly what my
wishes are.
I also need to talk with my 82 years old fathe to
see what his wishes are
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am very comfortable with my own mortality. i do not fear death,
other than feeling badly about leaving my family behind and knowing
that they will be sad
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
i would hope that as they looked at my life that they saw that i
loved God and loved and cared for others.that i tried to live my
life enjoying each and everyday and each and every person. i hope
they will see that i was a life learner and that there is always
something new to learn and experience and to look for the best in
each situation and each person they meet.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
my spirituality is what helped me the most - believing that God
was always by myside, that he would never leave me even though my
mother was gone. that he knows what the 'big' plan is for my life
and will lead me and guide me
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes, with my husband and my dad and my sister
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i wish i could have spoken more openly with my father, my sister and
my brother - we all grived individually instead of coming together
and helping each other out
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it raised many emotions that i have not had for a while
i think
it has been helpful to see my feelings in writing
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Sat Apr 2 13:18:26 2005
F34 in Los Angeles, California =U.S.A.=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
GERO 572 - Death, Dying & Bereavement @ ULV
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
C.S. Lewis
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 10 Years ago.
Cause of Death: liver/bladder cancer; Aged: 85.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our earthly life, the end of the functioning of our
physical body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt slightly detached since I did not have a close personal
relationship with this person.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mother's intense grief and sorrow.
--What I think my (U.S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing. My culture respects the memory of the dead.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the solace that my faith brings.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my faith.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I would no longer see this person.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
the dying person appreciates one's presence and concern.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to cope with it successfully.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
relatives overreacted with insincere hysteria.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with her in the years prior to her death.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
visited the grave site the day after the burial.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
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Sat Apr 2 00:28:42 2005
F Guest in Orange, CA =America=
Name: Kacee
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Graduate Class on Death Dying & Bereavement @ University of La Verne
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Prof/Studies: Photographer
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More personal info:
Let's not get caught up in the American idealogy that we see most
everywhere in the media, on the news, dealing with people and
society's views. What we teach our children about death should not
be something we fear based on our parents fear. We should welcome
all parts of life, because death in itself is a part of life, it's
the last step, the last journey. Death is only feared I believe
because the American society as a whole does not understand it nor
wants to understand it. Every culture has it's own way of dealing
with death, Americans as a whole should prepare themselves and
there children better as death approaches. Do not instill fear
into children. Death is something we should look forward to,
for it is a new journey, an unknown journey for some, but it is
a new journey to most. When we become children of God, we know
God will call us anytime and we are in turn ready to go. God only
promises us 70 years and after that we are his to go as he wishes.
We as a generation or as a society should be joyous, rather than
dismayed as at death. death for the living is a prideful event,
look at me, I'm griefing, help me I'm griefing. The loss of a loved
one is hard to suffer and hard to deal with, but if we recall all the
time we spent with them and use the memories instead of the grief,
it helps. God lost his son , in a horrific way. God knows first
hand about grief and loss, we need to use God as our example when
dealing with the loss of a loved one and God will help us through.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Holy Bible
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
God
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 89.
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--Death Is:
A joyous occasion that results with our body being given back to
the earth and our soul going back to our creator
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
amazed
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother died of TB when I was 6 yrs olds
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was joyous and glad she was in a better place
--What I think my (America) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is not something to fear, but rather something to look
forward to.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death for me is not a dark place but a joyous occassion that should
be looked forward to not reviled.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Reading God's word and being around the people who knew them
the best.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
nothing
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
God only gives us 70 years. We need to remember all the good times
we've had and now our God, Our Father is calling us home.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
enjoyed the experience.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
there was no confusing part
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it's a good thing to laugh, it's a joyous occassion to be with
the Lord
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
told them I loved them more times
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know them, be with them
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
who cares what color the casket is?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
n/a
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
n/a
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
n/a
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
it's never difficult
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
God called them sooner.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they only know so much, never put your faith in doctors put your
faith in God, he's the ultimate healer
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
hospice is a good thing
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
joyous, joyous, joyous
--Religious Affiliation:
Church of Christ
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
n/a
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was a celebration of life, not death
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
death happens, can't have death without life, cant have life
without death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
everyone dies at different times in their lives and there is nothing
similiar in any situation.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
The Holy Bible Helped and made in bearable
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
they are dead, they is no reason to worry about the past or worry
about the dead ones or unresolved issues, how can you have unresolved
issues with a dead you can't you can only have unresolved issues
with yourself. deal with it through a Christian Counselor
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
sure
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm going home to be with God my father.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Reading The Holy Bible and having an open discussion with God.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Dissociation
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
my parents inability to deal with death themselves
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
The Word of God
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
your questionaire is based on the assumption, that death is bad
and misunderstood, why not have a questionaire about death being
understood and good, rather than the opposite and the negatives
points
Ed Note: Actually, this questionnaire makes no such overall assumption.
Readers are encouraged to skip over any questions which do not
apply. Some are difficult, some are celebrative. It's more a
matter of personal interpretation. The questions used here
are collected from actual comments from feedback. Certainly
all of us will have different experiences and appreciations.
Thanks for your feedback. --SH
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See Mar 05 contributions.
See Feb 05 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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