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See Current contributions.
See Jun 01 contributions.
See May 01 contributions.
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Tue Jul 31 14:08:54 2001
M21 in cleveland, Ohio =U.S.=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
This survey is part of a class project
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Holy Bible
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
prophets
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: still pending; Aged: 42.
--Details:
New Year's ever he was picked up for disorderly conduct. The next
day he was pronounced dead at 4th district police station. In
Cleve. Ohio ,which is notorious for police brutality.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
certain, needed, eternal rest, when all growth is terminated,becoming
fertilizer,
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really hadn't developed emotion yet.
--That first time, how it happened was
I don't exactlt know how my grandmother died. Everyone said it
was stress
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How much more upset everyone than I was.
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
What happens next?
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
We finally got child support. Life improved.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Getting High.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Expressing unconscious feelings.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
To see their life change for the better.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I have never thought of that.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
socialization and support
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding MONEY:
The more money we got the more problems we had.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Some people felt guilty.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The level of anger I had
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loss of simple memories, sudden decrases in motor skills ( people
in old age)
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
is minimal most of the people I know did not have plesant deaths.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
yes I still have issues. Only an mediation between myself and my
father can solve my problem.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I don't think it can be solved.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I do think of my own death but I don't believe I would do things
much different than I do now , If I knew when I was going to die.(
I really don't know)
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Smoking
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
It never was an issue. people live and die
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I did not reach out to others because I was taught that men don't
ask for help. They deal with their problems the best they can.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It showed me things that I'd never thought of. It showed me how
cold and emotionless I have become.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Yes. Many of the questions should be re-worded or more
specific. Because, In my case some of the responses just did fit
or apply.
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Tue Jul 31 12:09:31 2001
F44 in , Ohio =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: former police officer, Nurse
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Hope for the Bereaved
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: he and a friend were riding their bikes and got hit by a semi that
ran off the road; Aged: 13.
--Details:
At the time I was a police officer and was called out to the scene
of an accident. There I found my son and his foster brother.
Both had been killed on impact when hit by a semi. Of course,
when I was called to the scene no one was aware that my son was
one of the victims.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the most painful experience of my life. It was a loss of future
hopes and dreams. When my grandmother died recently I also felt
a loss, but not of the future, more a loss of her companionship.
We all expect to outlive out grandparents and parents, but not
our children.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was 4-5 years olds and my great grandmother
had passed on. She was held in an old fashioned 'wake' in my
grandparents home. I really did not comprehend why she was in a
box in the living room, and was told 'she had gone to sleep'
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the pain and suffering of my family.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it should not be a 'taboo' subject. Those who have lost a loved
one do not want to 'pick ourselves up' and 'don't think about it'.
We have lost someone we love and care about and we do not want
to forget them. And if we talk about them and cry, that's okay.
It's very healing to be able to talk about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I am grateful for the time that I had my son in my life, and I do
not take for granted my time or anyone else's time in my life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The pain of the loss of my son was overwhelming, and I did not know
how to live with that pain. I became suicidal-not because I wanted
to die or be with my son, but because I did not know how to stop
the pain or how to live with it. I ended up finding a wonderful
psychologist, who taught me how to 'live through the pain'.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the callous and crude remarks made by people.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listen. Let them talk about what they feel, don't give false
reassurance.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
did survive the pain. When I go through bad times or rough times in
my life now, I put into perspective what I have already survived.
I have survived the 'unsurvivable'and nothing life has given me
can compare with that.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
people would make comments like'get on with your life', 'if you
don't want to be depressed, don't be depressed'
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hold my son in my arms at the accident scene. Even if he was already
dead, I felt that he was still there, even if not in his body.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be open and honest with my younger son, and help him grieve.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people shared their experiences with my son. Things they had done
together, things he had said to them, or maybe just the mischevious
twinkle in his eyes, or his beautiful smile.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
people telling me 'it was God's will', or 'he's in heaven now.'
I didn't want him in heaven, I wanted him with me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I never know when it will overwhelm me. At times people will ask me
about my children, and I can tell them about my two son's, and that
one has died, and the circumstances without crying. At other times,
if I mention my son that was killed, I am overcome by sadness and
can't talk about it without crying.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't know. I usually don't think about that. Occasionally when
I am doing something I will think 'Jon would have liked that', or
'Jon would have been here for me through this.'
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hold him again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went into a deep depression.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They did nothing. I am a believer in organ donation, and nobody
asked me about it. By the time I thought about it, they said the
organs were no longer viable. I would have liked to have been able
to give someone else a 'chance'
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Our pastor was to perform the funeral service. It was all set up,
and then I told him I did not want Jon buried at the church cemetary.
Suddenly, he had to make visits to the nursing home and would not
be able to perform the ceremony. I could not bury my son. I had
him creamated.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was brought up Catholic, and joined the Lutheran church when my
husband and I married.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true. I believe, no matter what religion (if any) we practice,
that there is one God, and that He loves us all and does not judge
us on what (if any) church we attend, but on how we live our lives.
That is Christianity.
--Regarding MONEY:
the cost of a funeral is way out of line. We have lost someone
we love and care about, and I think the 'funeral industry' takes
advantage of that. "you want the best for your loved one" when
the truth is our loved-one doesn't care, they are dead.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was overwhelmed by the attendance at the funeral. There were
over 400 people in attendance in this small community. You just
don't realize how one family touches so many lives.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing my son in the casket. I expected it to look like him, and
it didn't. I could not make a connection between my son and this
'body' in the casket. I went into shock.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
the most important things is to realize that everyone grieves in
their own way and in their own time. Recognize that and respect
that. And don't ask someone who is grieving how they are unless
you really want to know.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I do not feel that, as there would be no point. I know that my
son knew how much he was loved, and I think that is the best thing
I could hope for, as a parent.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Just that he was okay, and that he hadn't suffered.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My younger son, who was 8 at the time his brother was killed,
received many visits from his brother, Jon. He told me that
Jon would often come to him at night. He said that Jon would
often turn the TV in his room on or off, or the bedroom light.
Michael was afraid of these visits, until we talked about it.
I told him that his brother just wanted him to know that he was
okay, and that he was keeping a watch on him, that he wasn't there
to scare him or hurt him. About 1 1/2 years after the death, my
husband and I seperated, with my husband staying in the house.
He told me later that he often had visits from Jon. He stated
that although he never saw him, he could hear him going through the
bedrooms, walking around upstairs and on the stairs, and shutting
or opening doors. He also stated that others that visited the house
would hear these occurances. We were seperated for almost 2 years,
and when I returned the 'visits' stopped. We did end up permanently
seperating, but I don't know if the visits returned or not.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I am now a nurse, and I deal with this issue often. I also have
a brother who is only a year older than I and is dying of terminal
lung cancer. He has refused all treatment. While I have a hard time
dealing with this, as I want him in my life for as long as possible,
I also realize that I want him there for me. I respect and honor
his wishes, I only want him to make a well-informed decision.
He has decided that whatever time he has left he wants to be as
normal as possible. He does not want to spend the rest of his days
in and out of the hospital, being ill from chemo and radiation, and
since there is no cure for him, this would only prolong his life,
but not give him quality of life.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not ready to die, although I do not fear dying.I know that
when I do die, I will be with my son again, but I am not ready to
leave my other son, or others at this time.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I would often 'talk' to Jon or go through the photo albums.
Another thing I would do every Christmas with my younger son, was
go to the mall and pick a name off the Angel Tree, of a boy who was
13 and buy him Christmas gifts in memory of Jon. I also celebrate
his birthday every year by getting a house plant and flowers.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
The one tradition I carry on is the Angel Tree at Christmas. I also
continue to celebrate his birthday with plants and flowers.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
After the death of my son, I changed careers. When I was going to
school for my new career, I met a classmate who helped me through
some very difficult times. We ended up very close, graduated
together, and shortly after I moved to Arizona she moved out there
also. She never met my son, but 'knows' him through me. When I
moved back, we lost track of each other. About 4-5 years later I
received a phone call from her, and she had also moved back. She was
very hesitant at first to tell me where she was living. I turned
out that she and her husband were renting a farm house. At the
time she rented it she was unaware that this was the house my son
was living in with his father at the time of his death. (gradually
in talking with neighbors, one older couple in particular who were
very close to Jon, she found out that this 'Jon' was my son.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Books & Films
A psychologist got me through the death of my son (killed at 13
years old)
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I did join a support group of bereaved parents for a while. However,
I really did not find this very helpful. There was a book "Hope for
the Bereaved" which I found extremely helpful, and I have purchased
this book for others who have lost a child. (All of whom have found
this book helpful)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Jul 30 17:11:17 2001
F26 in , =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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More personal info:
i have bipolar disorder and ptsd.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 3-4 ago.
Cause of Death: GUNSHOT TO HEAD; Aged: 40?.
--Details:
Ronnie was my dad's best friend, I had known him since birth. He was
suicidal his whole life. I have been suicidal my whole life since
childhood. He finally did it. Everyone was sad but not shocked. He
had no one to stop him. He probably sat there with the gun hoping
someone would walk in and stop him. Everyone thinks my dad is the
sadest, but I secretly am. I miss him and can relate to his desire. I
guess I'm the sadest that he waited so long, He had a really bad
life; homeless, starving; forgeeten by family; made fun of; no job;
mental illness.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The final escape from our problems.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wished it was me
--That first time, how it happened was
first my grandmother died, we were very close. Then my dad's best
friend killed himself. I attempted suicide a a couple months later.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
wishing someone was there with him to hold him when he died. he
was all alone.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
knowing it is inevitable
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
marijuana use made me forget that I wanted to die.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
jealousy
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I wish I had been there he shouldn't have been alone.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i laid there once for hours and should've died, I had overdosed on
lots of things, but I didn't even fall asleep, It hurt really bad for
hours, finally I couldn't take the pain so I called my psycologist.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i laugh when i'm upset all the time. everyone knows that, but they
still get mad.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell ronnie he was making the right decision. and not to be scared,
and that he's brave.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help him a few times before he died so he knew he was not so alone.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
he finally did it, after all those years he finally did it, i don't
think anyone thought he would
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
no one gave him a funeral. that was very sad.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I picture him crying and wishing someone would walk in and stop him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would invite him to live at my new home. then he would have been
more comfortable than the little room he was living in. and I would
feed him and hug him alot.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why did he have to suffer all those years?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be strong enough to kill myself. I can't now cause I'm pregant and
everyone will think its murder.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
still think sometimes that my grandma, my cat Tabatha, and my
friend ronnie are still alive. sometimes I forget and talk about
them like they're still alive. People don't like that. Sometimes
for awhile after I buried my cat I could here her crying underground
and wanted to dig her back up, but my husband won't let me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they wouldn't let him in the hospital cause he had no diagnois or
insurance, but we all knew he was crazy so I guess the doctors were
really stupid.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
religion is unaccetable to me as far as life after death. I'd rather
believe it all just ends.
--Religious Affiliation:
roman catholic through confirmation.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i hope it life just just ends and there's no thought or emotion.
--Regarding MONEY:
he didn't have any he was crazy and no one would hire him. he was
starving and poor and sometimes homeless. I think if he had money
he would've hung aroung longer.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
no one gave him one. that's sad. if he does have thought now he
probably feels even worse that no one gave him a funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
hallucinating and seeing the clown guy once when i was in the
hospital and the machines went all crazy and noone else could see
him, but he was pointing at me and laughing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i think people hallucinate right before they die, plus their heart
might hurt alot.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i guess that 's what i meant by hallucination. I don't think these
are really spirits. I think they are generated by the human brain
in shock.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
ok. I've been near death lots of times. well, it hurts real bad. and
it's very scary. sometimes you black out and wake up alot but you
aren't dead yet. the worst though is not knowing afterward, even
for years if you really died, or not. and if you are already dead
and living in hell.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i feel very guilty, poor ronnie. he just needed a hug i think. noone
can help me now. i used to have a great doctor, but i live in
another state now. i guess i'll always feel so guilty.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
he would be crying he used to cry all the time, and i'd be telling
him," it's ok ronnie." i would also want to know why he is still
thinking cause his brain was blown up.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my grandma is alive in my dreams all the time.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
to make sure everything is taken car eof first and everyone is
prepared emotionally. it might help to see everyone you can and say
your goodbyes, then to distance yourself for awhile, and to make sure
you are on goodterms with people so there is no guilt on their part.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
oh god, i 'd be so glad. it would be scary but i would accept it
and say thank you thank you finally thank you. sort of like on
'the seventh seal' by igmar berman, at the end when death comes
and everyone is so relieved and they start knealing befor him.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
pot helps cause it makes you forget the pain. but i can't smoke
that now,so i keep remembering. sleep helps though.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no not really.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs
my husband's support helped too.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
i've always wanted to die for many years and I was guilty cause I
WAS JEALOUS.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
it would've been nice if he had a funeral.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was ok, i think about death all the time, i hope i helped others
by completing this.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jul 31 14:08:54 2001
M21 in cleveland, Ohio =U.S.=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Teacher ]
This survey is part of a class project
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Holy Bible
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
prophets
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: still pending; Aged: 42.
--Details:
New Year's ever he was picked up for disorderly conduct. The next
day he was pronounced dead at 4th district police station. In
Cleve. Ohio ,which is notorious for police brutality.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
certain, needed, eternal rest, when all growth is terminated,becoming
fertilizer,
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really hadn't developed emotion yet.
--That first time, how it happened was
I don't exactlt know how my grandmother died. Everyone said it
was stress
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How much more upset everyone than I was.
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
What happens next?
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
We finally got child support. Life improved.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Getting High.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Expressing unconscious feelings.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
To see their life change for the better.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I have never thought of that.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
socialization and support
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding MONEY:
The more money we got the more problems we had.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Some people felt guilty.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The level of anger I had
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loss of simple memories, sudden decrases in motor skills ( people
in old age)
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
is minimal most of the people I know did not have plesant deaths.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
yes I still have issues. Only an mediation between myself and my
father can solve my problem.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I don't think it can be solved.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I do think of my own death but I don't believe I would do things
much different than I do now , If I knew when I was going to die.(
I really don't know)
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Smoking
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
It never was an issue. people live and die
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I did not reach out to others because I was taught that men don't
ask for help. They deal with their problems the best they can.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It showed me things that I'd never thought of. It showed me how
cold and emotionless I have become.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Yes. Many of the questions should be re-worded or more
specific. Because, In my case some of the responses just did fit
or apply.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jul 31 12:09:31 2001
F44 in , Ohio =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: former police officer, Nurse
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Hope for the Bereaved
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: he and a friend were riding their bikes and got hit by a semi that
ran off the road; Aged: 13.
--Details:
At the time I was a police officer and was called out to the scene
of an accident. There I found my son and his foster brother.
Both had been killed on impact when hit by a semi. Of course,
when I was called to the scene no one was aware that my son was
one of the victims.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the most painful experience of my life. It was a loss of future
hopes and dreams. When my grandmother died recently I also felt
a loss, but not of the future, more a loss of her companionship.
We all expect to outlive out grandparents and parents, but not
our children.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was 4-5 years olds and my great grandmother
had passed on. She was held in an old fashioned 'wake' in my
grandparents home. I really did not comprehend why she was in a
box in the living room, and was told 'she had gone to sleep'
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the pain and suffering of my family.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it should not be a 'taboo' subject. Those who have lost a loved
one do not want to 'pick ourselves up' and 'don't think about it'.
We have lost someone we love and care about and we do not want
to forget them. And if we talk about them and cry, that's okay.
It's very healing to be able to talk about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I am grateful for the time that I had my son in my life, and I do
not take for granted my time or anyone else's time in my life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The pain of the loss of my son was overwhelming, and I did not know
how to live with that pain. I became suicidal-not because I wanted
to die or be with my son, but because I did not know how to stop
the pain or how to live with it. I ended up finding a wonderful
psychologist, who taught me how to 'live through the pain'.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the callous and crude remarks made by people.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listen. Let them talk about what they feel, don't give false
reassurance.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
did survive the pain. When I go through bad times or rough times in
my life now, I put into perspective what I have already survived.
I have survived the 'unsurvivable'and nothing life has given me
can compare with that.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
people would make comments like'get on with your life', 'if you
don't want to be depressed, don't be depressed'
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hold my son in my arms at the accident scene. Even if he was already
dead, I felt that he was still there, even if not in his body.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be open and honest with my younger son, and help him grieve.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people shared their experiences with my son. Things they had done
together, things he had said to them, or maybe just the mischevious
twinkle in his eyes, or his beautiful smile.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
people telling me 'it was God's will', or 'he's in heaven now.'
I didn't want him in heaven, I wanted him with me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I never know when it will overwhelm me. At times people will ask me
about my children, and I can tell them about my two son's, and that
one has died, and the circumstances without crying. At other times,
if I mention my son that was killed, I am overcome by sadness and
can't talk about it without crying.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't know. I usually don't think about that. Occasionally when
I am doing something I will think 'Jon would have liked that', or
'Jon would have been here for me through this.'
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hold him again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went into a deep depression.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They did nothing. I am a believer in organ donation, and nobody
asked me about it. By the time I thought about it, they said the
organs were no longer viable. I would have liked to have been able
to give someone else a 'chance'
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Our pastor was to perform the funeral service. It was all set up,
and then I told him I did not want Jon buried at the church cemetary.
Suddenly, he had to make visits to the nursing home and would not
be able to perform the ceremony. I could not bury my son. I had
him creamated.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was brought up Catholic, and joined the Lutheran church when my
husband and I married.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true. I believe, no matter what religion (if any) we practice,
that there is one God, and that He loves us all and does not judge
us on what (if any) church we attend, but on how we live our lives.
That is Christianity.
--Regarding MONEY:
the cost of a funeral is way out of line. We have lost someone
we love and care about, and I think the 'funeral industry' takes
advantage of that. "you want the best for your loved one" when
the truth is our loved-one doesn't care, they are dead.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was overwhelmed by the attendance at the funeral. There were
over 400 people in attendance in this small community. You just
don't realize how one family touches so many lives.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing my son in the casket. I expected it to look like him, and
it didn't. I could not make a connection between my son and this
'body' in the casket. I went into shock.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
the most important things is to realize that everyone grieves in
their own way and in their own time. Recognize that and respect
that. And don't ask someone who is grieving how they are unless
you really want to know.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I do not feel that, as there would be no point. I know that my
son knew how much he was loved, and I think that is the best thing
I could hope for, as a parent.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Just that he was okay, and that he hadn't suffered.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My younger son, who was 8 at the time his brother was killed,
received many visits from his brother, Jon. He told me that
Jon would often come to him at night. He said that Jon would
often turn the TV in his room on or off, or the bedroom light.
Michael was afraid of these visits, until we talked about it.
I told him that his brother just wanted him to know that he was
okay, and that he was keeping a watch on him, that he wasn't there
to scare him or hurt him. About 1 1/2 years after the death, my
husband and I seperated, with my husband staying in the house.
He told me later that he often had visits from Jon. He stated
that although he never saw him, he could hear him going through the
bedrooms, walking around upstairs and on the stairs, and shutting
or opening doors. He also stated that others that visited the house
would hear these occurances. We were seperated for almost 2 years,
and when I returned the 'visits' stopped. We did end up permanently
seperating, but I don't know if the visits returned or not.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I am now a nurse, and I deal with this issue often. I also have
a brother who is only a year older than I and is dying of terminal
lung cancer. He has refused all treatment. While I have a hard time
dealing with this, as I want him in my life for as long as possible,
I also realize that I want him there for me. I respect and honor
his wishes, I only want him to make a well-informed decision.
He has decided that whatever time he has left he wants to be as
normal as possible. He does not want to spend the rest of his days
in and out of the hospital, being ill from chemo and radiation, and
since there is no cure for him, this would only prolong his life,
but not give him quality of life.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not ready to die, although I do not fear dying.I know that
when I do die, I will be with my son again, but I am not ready to
leave my other son, or others at this time.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I would often 'talk' to Jon or go through the photo albums.
Another thing I would do every Christmas with my younger son, was
go to the mall and pick a name off the Angel Tree, of a boy who was
13 and buy him Christmas gifts in memory of Jon. I also celebrate
his birthday every year by getting a house plant and flowers.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
The one tradition I carry on is the Angel Tree at Christmas. I also
continue to celebrate his birthday with plants and flowers.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
After the death of my son, I changed careers. When I was going to
school for my new career, I met a classmate who helped me through
some very difficult times. We ended up very close, graduated
together, and shortly after I moved to Arizona she moved out there
also. She never met my son, but 'knows' him through me. When I
moved back, we lost track of each other. About 4-5 years later I
received a phone call from her, and she had also moved back. She was
very hesitant at first to tell me where she was living. I turned
out that she and her husband were renting a farm house. At the
time she rented it she was unaware that this was the house my son
was living in with his father at the time of his death. (gradually
in talking with neighbors, one older couple in particular who were
very close to Jon, she found out that this 'Jon' was my son.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Books & Films
A psychologist got me through the death of my son (killed at 13
years old)
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I did join a support group of bereaved parents for a while. However,
I really did not find this very helpful. There was a book "Hope for
the Bereaved" which I found extremely helpful, and I have purchased
this book for others who have lost a child. (All of whom have found
this book helpful)
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Mon Jul 30 17:11:17 2001
F26 in , =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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More personal info:
i have bipolar disorder and ptsd.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 3-4 ago.
Cause of Death: GUNSHOT TO HEAD; Aged: 40?.
--Details:
Ronnie was my dad's best friend, I had known him since birth. He was
suicidal his whole life. I have been suicidal my whole life since
childhood. He finally did it. Everyone was sad but not shocked. He
had no one to stop him. He probably sat there with the gun hoping
someone would walk in and stop him. Everyone thinks my dad is the
sadest, but I secretly am. I miss him and can relate to his desire. I
guess I'm the sadest that he waited so long, He had a really bad
life; homeless, starving; forgeeten by family; made fun of; no job;
mental illness.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The final escape from our problems.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wished it was me
--That first time, how it happened was
first my grandmother died, we were very close. Then my dad's best
friend killed himself. I attempted suicide a a couple months later.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
wishing someone was there with him to hold him when he died. he
was all alone.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
knowing it is inevitable
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
marijuana use made me forget that I wanted to die.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
jealousy
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I wish I had been there he shouldn't have been alone.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i laid there once for hours and should've died, I had overdosed on
lots of things, but I didn't even fall asleep, It hurt really bad for
hours, finally I couldn't take the pain so I called my psycologist.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i laugh when i'm upset all the time. everyone knows that, but they
still get mad.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell ronnie he was making the right decision. and not to be scared,
and that he's brave.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help him a few times before he died so he knew he was not so alone.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
he finally did it, after all those years he finally did it, i don't
think anyone thought he would
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
no one gave him a funeral. that was very sad.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I picture him crying and wishing someone would walk in and stop him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would invite him to live at my new home. then he would have been
more comfortable than the little room he was living in. and I would
feed him and hug him alot.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why did he have to suffer all those years?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be strong enough to kill myself. I can't now cause I'm pregant and
everyone will think its murder.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
still think sometimes that my grandma, my cat Tabatha, and my
friend ronnie are still alive. sometimes I forget and talk about
them like they're still alive. People don't like that. Sometimes
for awhile after I buried my cat I could here her crying underground
and wanted to dig her back up, but my husband won't let me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they wouldn't let him in the hospital cause he had no diagnois or
insurance, but we all knew he was crazy so I guess the doctors were
really stupid.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
religion is unaccetable to me as far as life after death. I'd rather
believe it all just ends.
--Religious Affiliation:
roman catholic through confirmation.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i hope it life just just ends and there's no thought or emotion.
--Regarding MONEY:
he didn't have any he was crazy and no one would hire him. he was
starving and poor and sometimes homeless. I think if he had money
he would've hung aroung longer.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
no one gave him one. that's sad. if he does have thought now he
probably feels even worse that no one gave him a funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
hallucinating and seeing the clown guy once when i was in the
hospital and the machines went all crazy and noone else could see
him, but he was pointing at me and laughing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i think people hallucinate right before they die, plus their heart
might hurt alot.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i guess that 's what i meant by hallucination. I don't think these
are really spirits. I think they are generated by the human brain
in shock.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
ok. I've been near death lots of times. well, it hurts real bad. and
it's very scary. sometimes you black out and wake up alot but you
aren't dead yet. the worst though is not knowing afterward, even
for years if you really died, or not. and if you are already dead
and living in hell.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i feel very guilty, poor ronnie. he just needed a hug i think. noone
can help me now. i used to have a great doctor, but i live in
another state now. i guess i'll always feel so guilty.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
he would be crying he used to cry all the time, and i'd be telling
him," it's ok ronnie." i would also want to know why he is still
thinking cause his brain was blown up.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my grandma is alive in my dreams all the time.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
to make sure everything is taken car eof first and everyone is
prepared emotionally. it might help to see everyone you can and say
your goodbyes, then to distance yourself for awhile, and to make sure
you are on goodterms with people so there is no guilt on their part.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
oh god, i 'd be so glad. it would be scary but i would accept it
and say thank you thank you finally thank you. sort of like on
'the seventh seal' by igmar berman, at the end when death comes
and everyone is so relieved and they start knealing befor him.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
pot helps cause it makes you forget the pain. but i can't smoke
that now,so i keep remembering. sleep helps though.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no not really.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs
my husband's support helped too.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
i've always wanted to die for many years and I was guilty cause I
WAS JEALOUS.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
it would've been nice if he had a funeral.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was ok, i think about death all the time, i hope i helped others
by completing this.
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Mon Jul 30 12:05:03 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the cessation of all measurable biological functions including but
not limited to respiration, neural, and cardiac activity. This is
usually brought about due to illness, injury, and/or age. With
the cessation of all biological functions the body is no longer
responsive to any stimuli and any signs of sentienece vanish. It
is from the moment of death that the body begins the process of
decomposition which is advanced or retarded by the environment in
which the body is in, and / or any funerary practices.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a brother in law died due to a chemical
interaction between a pain killer and alchohol
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
to remove taboos associated with the dead and the dying. This
society needs to accept that there are certain mysteries associated
with death that we can not answer. Only when we accept our state
of ignorance and stop placating ourselves with feel-good fairy
tales can we begin to educate ourselves concerning death and the
dying process. It is the fear of our own death coupled with our
personal doubts of religious answers that has created hospices were
we deposit our loved ones until they are gone.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Mon Jul 30 03:34:49 2001
F36 in audubon, mn =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Nephew, 32 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: drowning; Aged: 28 months.
--Details:
my brother and his family was moving back to MN. while they was
unpacking, my nephew snuck away, and walked into the river. it was
very deep and cold, it was springtime.
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--Death Is:
leaving our shells behind and sending our souls into various others
that are to be born. a new beginning a new rebirth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
i couldn't belive that he wasn't coming to grandmas and grandpas
--That first time, how it happened was
my nephew, he was 28 months and walked into a river, and drowned
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
playing with my other nephew, and coming into the house. we both
sat on the steps and started crying. my sister asked me why i was
crying and i told her that lukie was dead. the phone rang and lukie
was dead.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
a part of life
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the lesson that he was a happy baby and that we couldn't cry at
the wake/funeral. because he wouldn't like it that way.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself and time
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that i would never see him again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
comfort
--[My Nephew's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have accepted that death is a part of life. and it may be unfair,
but theres always memories family and love
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was 9,10
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it's exzactly what he wanted and what life was to him
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have one more moment one more smile or laugh
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
love him
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my sister took kleenex out of her purse, and the whole box fell
out and we all laughed
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
was that he suffercated and didn't drown. there was no water in his
lungs. he held his breath. and that he was found on a twig root by
the loop of his pants
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my dad died
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I've never done this
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
and that it wasn't the right time
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have my dads arms around me to tell me everything is alright
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
crawled within myself and grieved
--Religious Affiliation:
luthren
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the kleenex and the small casket
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
accepting it
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i was really sick for almost 2 months. my grandmas came to me and
told me that it wasn't my time and i needed and had to go back. i
remember the dresses they wore, thier voices, thier smell. and
there was a bight light, until the said i had to go back and that
they would be watching over me. then i woke up and was in the
emergancy room
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my grandma cmae to me. i was woke by her gentle kiss, on my cheek,
forehead and then my lips. she said that she loved me and would
always take care of me and would watch me. when i looked at her
i could see threw her. she said goodby and dissapeared. i crawled
into my mom and dads room and told them that i just see grandma,
and the phone rang, she died just moments before the call.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i would like to have my last rights read by the pastor of the church
that i belong to
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
id accept it, and tell my husband not to contact my siblings until
well after the fact
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
crying
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
looking at all my loved ones that have passed along with the ones
that are alive, just so i can remember what they look like
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me relize how much i miss, my nephew, dad and his mom. and
how i really wasn't ready for any of thier deaths. but how i accepted
them and got on with life
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Sun Jul 29 20:36:32 2001
F39 in Lititz, PA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo Category -- Quizzes and Tests
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Prof/Studies: Writer
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tuesdays With Morrie
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, -1 ago.
Cause of Death: Old Age; Aged: 90.
--Details:
My grandmother is very old. She is dying now. She lives in NC and
I live in PA. I did not have a mother so my grandmother is very
important to me. She is dying. She has Alzheimers but it is touch
and go. Sometimes she is very lucid. I want to talk to her about
her feelings about death, if she has regrets, if she is afraid,
etc. but my family forbids me to "upset her". When I am old, I will
want to share it with people so they understand better. Maybe then
it will not be as scary.
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--Death Is:
when we cease to survive as an organism. Our biological workings
die, they do not continue to live and exist. We turn into dust and
then are gone.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was very sad and shocked. I questioned what happened after death
and was very curious but had no one to talk to about it and
no references. I came from a very uneducated southern/mountain
family. I was equally concerned with the level of pain that family
members were experiencing. I had experienced a kind of grief when my
mother suddenly and unexpectedly abandoned us when I was seven, and
although I didn't know that what I had experienced was grief, I knew
that it was in the same category as the emotions I was witnessing
at my grandfather's funeral, especially from my grandmother who
wailed and passed out at the coffin.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather died of a stroke and it was the first funeral I went
to. People died before that and I knew about death but this was the
first time it was someone close to me and I went to the funeral. I
was 13 I think.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my grandmother, who never complained or cried. I never saw her
sad. She was a classic farm wife, rugged and dutiful and ever
taking care of everyone else's needs. At my grandfather's funeral
she wailed. I have never heard wailing and there is nothing like
it in the world. It cuts through your heart. She wailed and she
fell to the ground. I will never forget that moment as I watched
from the pew. It was as if it happened in slow motion.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That you need to talk about it. Nobody talks about death,
especially when it is close to home. I talk about death all the
time. I have always been obsessed with the subject. It makes me
angry that we are here, that we exist, but that we end, and that we
are separated from our loved ones and don't know what happens to us
or where we go. I don't believe anyone can know the truth. I'm an
Agnostic. Everyone in my family is a Christian. They are just blind
followers, they don't THINK about anything, they don't reason for
themselves. Death should be discussed more, with lots of different
people from different religions and backgrounds.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The only thing Death does that could be seen as positive, is that
is wakes people up, but usually it is temporary. Sometimes it
wakes people up for their whole lives, but most people slip back
into superficial world after the pain subsides. When someone dies
and it affects people, they realize what is really important in
life, and it isn't looks or money or power or fame or any of those
things. The people who hang on to the realness are the only ones
who truly live. Sometimes, Death can shock someone into life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Just time. It takes me a long time to deal with it. I actually deal
best when I spend a lot of time alone, thinking about the person,
maybe hiking in the woods, or looking at pictures or things that
I associate with them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Simply missing them. The fact that I would never see them again was
very painful. Also, not knowing where they were, if they were OK, if
they were lonely, if they knew who they were and if they remembered
their life here -- if they "continued" to exist in some form.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I have told my grandmother and my great uncle that I would not
let them be forgotten. That seems to be my great uncle's greatest
concern. I am my family archivist and it seems to mean a lot to
people to share their stories, the stories of their lives, and that
it will be passed on after they are gone.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I had a cousin die a few years ago from seizures from a motorcycle
accident. Another cousin and a friend both committed suicide. They
were all young. My uncle died of cancer. My friend died of breast
cancer. It just goes on and on. What is most important is that you
live your life as authentically as possible. Give as much love as
you can. That is the best you can do.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I understand that people die. But I don't know what happens to them,
where they go. That confuses me and makes me both sad and angry. I
have researched everything on the subject, I know what other people
and religions believe. I don't think it is possible for anyone to
know for sure.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was because it was so surreal. I have started laughing at horrible
times, when laughing is the last thing I am really feeling, it isn't
a funny laughing, it is a borderline nervous breakdown laughing I
think, from nerves, from extreme emotion that you can't really deal
with. I've seen other people do this. My brother does it too. We
got into a giggling fit at my grandfathers funeral, we were 13 and
15. We couldn't help it. We don't even know what started it. It
was really horrible and weird.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend more time with the person, take more pictures, document their
lives, thoughts, dreams, feelings. I tell everyone that I love them,
give them a hug. My family, all of my family, extended, friends,
etc. know that I love them. I MAKE SURE they know it.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I cannot say I am thankful about anything that happened in relation
to death. You never have ENOUGH of a person before they are taken
from you forever. You can only be Thankful that you had them for
a little while, which pretty much sucks and isn't good enough in
my book.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My dad told me what to wear to the funeral. This always amazes me,
how people can give a shit about your appearance when you are going
to a funeral. I thought it was weird that my dad was concerned
about this.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I should have answered the previous question here. I think it is
weird how people are hung up on the clothing thing with funerals. I
mean, I can see not wearing shorts and a beach shirt, but my dad
was picky down to the socks and shoes.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize that I haven't lost anyone in my immediate family yet and
that someday it will come. Someday I will leave my children alone
here. That scares and hurts me so much.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
It was extremely painful beyond description. It is so painful
that it physically hurts and makes you sick. You don't think you
are going to get through it. It is the worse feeling in the whole
world. I don't know how some people make it. If I lost my sister
or brother or children, I don't know if I would be strong enough.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I think the medical community does the best it can. Working with
sick and dying people every day has to wear a person down. Nobody
is that (emotionally) strong to be a pillar of strength every day
of their lives.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I'm an Agnostic but when I am around someone who has lost someone,
if they are a Christian and they say that their loved one is with
The Lord and that comforts them, I go along with them. Everyone
has a right to their own beliefs. I try very hard to comfort people
who are in mourning.
--Religious Affiliation:
I grew up Christian - baptist, methodist, pentocostal,
presbyterian. But now I am an Agnostic.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I am not sure what I believe. I do believe that religion and culture
are ways we DEFINE death and other experiences. Sometimes I lean
toward a belief in Reincarnation. I do believe there is something
MORE than us, but I don't know what that is, an alien or a god or
a speck of dust or we are a speck of dust or what... it goes on
and on. We can only comprehend a speck of what there is.
--Regarding MONEY:
My dad is paranoid about his money and he thinks we are all waiting
for him to die and wondering how much money we are going to get. This
makes me sick. I have told my dad over and over that I don't want
one penny, to give it to my step-mom who never worked a day in her
life and will probably outlive us all.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I don't like when people show up out of obligation. When I die, I
only want people there who genuinely cared about me and will miss
me. I don't need the other people showing up and pretending they
give a shit.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Looking at the body in the casket. I hate that part. I won't go
to viewings. There is something creepy and unnatural about the
body. You can TELL that the person you loved isn't IN THERE ANYMORE.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I need to know its OK to ask questions, that its OK for us to talk
about death.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't know if this actually happens or if the brain makes the
person experience this, but in either case, I do believe the dying
person experiences these things, whether they are brain-generated
or actual, and I think it is a nice way to go.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I do not feel that I have any issues. If my father and/or
mother died today, I do have issues with them, but they are both
non-communicative and I cannot force them to communicate with
me. So I can just do my best and let the leaves land where the
winds blow them.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have not had this happen although I have actually told friends
that if they die before me to try and give me a sign and that I
would do the same.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want to know before I die so I can write a speech that will be
read at my funeral. I think that as long as the dying person is sane,
you have to do what they say as long as its not illegal.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I found out I was going to die soon, I wouldn't worry about bills
and my weight and other stupid things. I would worry about how my
kids were going to be without me. I would want to leave information
that would help them through life, make sure they were going to be
OK. That would be my only concern.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I put up a family website and on the birthdays of family members
who have died, I send out a notice to all of my cousins asking them
to think about them and remember them and talk about them. I feel
better knowing that members of my family are being remembered.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I try to make it a point to tell people that I love them, to
encourage people to live their OWN lives, to pursue their dreams,
to make their lives meaningful.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have grown much closer to my two cousins who lost a father and
mother to cancer and three brothers to suicide, heart attack, and
seizure. These two female cousins have been practically abandoned
by the rest of my family. I guess it is just too painful to go see
them because of all the death associated with them. But we have
become very close and before, we were not very close at all.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
People don't want to talk about it BEFORE it happens.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I just sat with my cousins at the funeral and put my arm around them
and listened to them talk and got them tissues. I did not think they
even knew who was talking to them and who wasn't. I found I could do
the most for mourning people later, when everyone else stopped coming
around and sending cards, then I would spend time with them just
sitting or listening or looking at pictures and sharing memories.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was a good questionnaire but it is very long!
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Some of the questions seem a little redundant.
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Sat Jul 28 20:15:04 2001
F17 in melbourne, victoria =australia=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo search
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Next Place
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sorry
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: Motor neuron disease; Aged: 36.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked
--That first time, how it happened was
One of my friends that I babysat died from an asthma attack at
age seven.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Everyone was so so so sad and they were crying lots and were quiet
--What I think my (australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that there is no certainty of life after death
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Everyone was so supportive and now i know there is someone who is
watching over me forever
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Saying goodbye
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was strong and looked after my litlle cousins (his kids).
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
They turned off his life support
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Say goodbye
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I called up the night before he died. We had no idea it was going
to happen but i called up to tell him that i loved him and was
thinking about him while the cricket was on.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see my Aunty and my little cousins
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that his next door neighbours are getting to be here when he dies
and i almost wasn't allowed.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring him back
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
thankfulness
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was such a nice funeral
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
being so upset with people who weren't as close to him as my
family was.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be scared and sad for my family
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
The priest was a friend of my uncle and his daughter and i are good
friends now
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Sat Jul 28 18:55:37 2001
F50 in Connersville, Indiana =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 73.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when we cease to physically exist.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not know what it was all about.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was 7 and my Mom had a baby sister for us,
Peggy, and she got whooping cough and pneumonia and died from that.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I felt very alone.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that I would never be able to see them again
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be wuth my parents when they died.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I feel the need for the comfort of my parents home and their presence
in my life.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would not feel so alone.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
death is never fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Spend one day the way we were before my parents passed away.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
could not even think about it for many months.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I don't think the medical community did what needed to be done. I
am still angry over much of what happened during the illnesse of
both of my parents.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not much
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding MONEY:
no money issues
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The pain was too great for me to deal with.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
not being able to accept what was happening
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
no knowledge of this
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues, I loved my parents and they loved me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell my parents that they were very good parents to me and
that despite the fact that we were poor, I was always happy and did
not feel deprived of anything growing up. I know they sacraficed
a lot for their children and I would want them to know it was not
in vain.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My uncle was killed in a farming accident when I was 16. One morning
my Mom was doing the laundry in my Grandma's basement and she looked
up to see my uncle standing there and smiling at her as if to say
he was ok. Then he faded away. My Mom was not a person to have any
imaginings such as this as she was a very no nonsense person, so the
fact that she said it happemed makes me sure that it actually did.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Funeral issues, burial preferences, wills.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be too scared to think.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have an old picture of my Mom taken when she was about 20 and
I sketched a picture of her from it and framed it. It hangs in my
sons bedroom and it helps me to feel closer to her.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
My friends were a big help to me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me think about how much I will always miss my Mom and Dad
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Fri Jul 27 13:56:03 2001
F18 in Kenosha, Wisconsin =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Went to online psychological surveys
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
n/a
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
n/a
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1.25 ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 19.
--Details:
Drinking and driving was involved...Two of my good friends died,
but i was closer to one. I was best friends with her sister...so
it was hard.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a horrible experience that everyone has to go through at one point
or another. Although for most people it is difficult, it is also
a growing experience.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
broke down and sobbed for days upon days.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was two of my good friends died in a accident caused
by drinking and driving. They were both drunk and driving at 114
mph and lost control of the car and crashed into a trailer which
then blew up.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
sorrow, tears, and the heavy burden of guilt.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's never really anybody's fault.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it brought me and my friend close again. It showed us that our
petty differences were nothing and to just forgive each other.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the guilt and shock of realizing i was never going to see her again.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was there for her sister even though i was hurting
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was trying to figure out why it happened to her and what i could
have done to prevent it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
sometimes all you can do is laugh. IT's either laugh or cry, and
I'd already cried all the tears i could at that point.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
prevent them from drinking and driving. If I had taken the keys from
them that night they'd still be here. Things would be so different.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
attend the funeral and work things out with her sister finally and
become very close friends with her and try to mourn together.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
her sister and i sat up all night and talked and laughed about the
memories we had of her.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
apologizing and hugging me..that was just annoying.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i look at pictures of her or read the newspaper articles about
the accident.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i cant even think about that. everything would be completely and
totally different. i might even be dead by now. i would have
never forgiven her sister so we wouldnt have been through what we
have been in the last year.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that it happened to her and not one of the other million
underage-drunk-driving teenagers out there.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sobbed.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
i dont understand this question.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
absolutely nothing. i am an atheist.
--Religious Affiliation:
atheist.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i have nohingto say to this
--Regarding MONEY:
my friends family received $30000 from the insurance company,
sothat had a big impact on them because that is more $ than they
receive in one year.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was retarded. there were ppl there who had not even liked her
or realy known her who were sobbing hysterically and it pissed me off
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the fact that it brought me and my best friend back together after
not speaking for three months.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i dont know. i had no signs whatsoever.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
nothing
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i dont know if she had any
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My mother was dead for three minutes when i was ten months old and
was brought back. She said it was the most peace she had ever felt.
It was like a really deep sleep and a lot of memories surfaced that
she hadnt thought of in ages.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i didnt have any unresolved issues with her
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
That she accepted me and my lifestyle and she knew exactly how
beautiful i thought she was as a person and how much i actually
miss her.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
She hasnt really visited me or anything but i often dream of her
and it seems very real.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Try not to judge ppl by their mistakes and take life too seriously
cuz it can be taken from you at any moment. Live life to its
fullest. Youre only here once so have fun while youre here.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am terrified of aging and dying. I wish i could know the exact
date im supposed to die so i can do everything i want to try at
least once before i die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i havent really had closure yet.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Her sister and i became very close for almost exactly a year after
the death. We started dating, and then when the year anniversary
was approaching she started acting very strange and i couldnt handle
it so we broke up and ihaent spoken to her in two months now
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Alcohol
I haven't exactly dealt with it yet.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
Their siblings.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
ididnt
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me think about things i havent really thought about before.
It was prety interesting.
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Thu Jul 26 10:04:19 2001
F20 in Toledo, OH =United states=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Mortuary Science
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: many things; Aged: 73.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a way and part of life. People come and go, but can remain together
always in out hearts and minds. Death is a grieving process for those
living as a way to remember that special person and understand why
they died. Death happens for a number of reasons, from babies to
old old adults, it is whoever God feels has completed their time
on Earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young and didn't know or understand much about it. It was very
hard and traumatic, but I got through it and you always will.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my pop pop (grandfather) I was young and
loved him so much. I lived with him awhile and I took it hard when
he was gone
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the person who passed away and how deeply loved he/she was. How much
that person enjoyed and fulfilled life and would want everyone to
continue doing that and living their lives, but keep them in your
heart. How everyone came together in that time of need, because
people mean that much to us.
--What I think my (United states) culture needs to better learn about death is:
What it really is and how to deal with it. Why we have funerals
and what and how to cope afterwards.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It is a way of saying goodbye if for some chance you were on bad
terms or had a distant relationship and lets you speak one last
time with that person
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the people I had there for me and the respect I got when I needed
to be alone to deal with it as well.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Facing that they were really gone and how much of a void it left
in everyone, knowing we would, I would never see this person again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listen, Talk and Comfort them. They may know they are dying,
reassure them so they know you and everyone understand and will be
okay with them gone. Savor the moments you have don't countdown to
when they are going to actually die. Treat them human, not like a
poor, crippled person. Answer their requests and love them.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dealt with it and got through it and helped others.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they suffered a lot before they died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is a part of your emotional feelings and ways of coping and
dealing with things.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
know the person better and spent more quality time with them.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there and help everyone els eand be okay through all of it and
reamin strong.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the funeral hom ehad such attentive and caring ways of doing things
with our loved one.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear certain songs that remind of that person or a particular
trip or day that happens.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why does this always happen to me.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scream and talk to that person one on one and bring them back and
make all the hurt go away.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
learned to cope with and tried to understand why and why these
things happen to me, but then realized they happen to everyone.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
that they were wonderful and did the best they could and ever would.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they were pretty decent.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
praying and talking to and with God in time of need,
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran/ Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like they are always here in some way watching over me and making
sure I do things correctly and if I don't they guide me.
--Regarding MONEY:
we needed to spend that money, for us and the deceased to help the
greivance process.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the service and what it meant to me and everyone else, how it was
so wonderful and nice.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
wanting to see and be with the deceased person.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
pain from the victim, different ways he/she was acting and behaving.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
was to think to myself and remember the good times. Cry and laugh
anything to make me get my feelings out.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
God, other loved ones, counselors, friends
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
because you are releasing them and not holding them in anymore
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
what they want, their needs, wants and concerns.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i don't want to know, i just want people to know that when I go it
is because I had to, it was my time
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
listening to music and crying
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
closeness with people you never got along with before, new friends
never imagined
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
just being there for them and listening, giving them an ear and
should and mind to open up to.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was fine, I feel okay to talk about death and dying/
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
it seemed okay,
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Tue Jul 24 01:24:21 2001
F17 in Vancouver, BC =Canada=
Name: Lynzie
Email: <ZHdrummer=at=hotmail.com>
Web: http://WWW.envy.nu/lynzie
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: English Major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 7 months ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack, I imagine.; Aged: 5 years.
--Details:
Entirely unexpectedly.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Something that we find hard to deal with due to the fact that no
one can really prove what happens afterwards. For a lot of people
who have a certain belief it's not so much the death itself but the
fact that they're going to miss the person who died, whereas with
others it's more a matter of the fact that they're not sure where
their loved one has gone.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was upset but also didn't really understand.
--That first time, how it happened was
My friend's boyfriend killed his best friend in a car accident one
night after school.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Finding him dead after I had had a fantastic night and going into
shock. I remember feeling as though I could have stopped it. Feeling
guilty. Feeling lost. Feeling hurt and confused. And really feeling
as though my faith was gone.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it's not neccisarily a bad thing. It's natural. Life is a
school in which death is being taught.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I learned from this death, and also managed to open my heart
to other animals in order to give them good homes and lots of love
as I had Petey (even though he was and always will be my baby)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The book "Tuesday's with Morie". And being given the gift of writing
well. I was really able to express myself and that means a lot. Also
having understanding people around me willing to give me as much
time as needed.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That I found him. That it was completely unexpected. That I didn't
stay home that night.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
that it's their time. Not yours. And being with them is a priveledge,
not a right.
--[My cat's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
needed a lot of time, but that was okay. People try and rush
themselves through the mourning process, but I really don't
understand that.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was in shock. I didn't know what was going on.. I just couldn't
wrap my mind around the concept that he was dead.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
this is normal. I have a habit of nervous laughter.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say goodbye. I really wish that I could have slept with him just
one night having known what was to happen.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
open my house and heart to other animals like him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My good friend trekked halfway across town to be with me at 8am
after I had tried to sleep for a few hours.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried because I missed him. I also carried around the blanket that he
slept on with me for a few days, despite the fact that I'm allergic
to cat fur. It was helpful to still have a bit of him.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I just did my own private thinking about it. It wasn't as though
I was close to Chris but it just sort of hit home out of nowhere
and made me realize how futile it all is.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
People's bullshit afterwards. Even people who hated the guy were
talking about his fantastic spirit and it really bothered me.
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Mon Jul 23 22:00:35 2001
F23 in Aurora, ON =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 13yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 41.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transfer from one state to another
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt helpless and sorry for myself
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My father passed away after 2 year battle
with cancer. I was 10 years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
people did not know how to act around me
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is inevitable
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it ended pain for the deceased
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mother prepared me well by taking to me about allaspects and
feelings
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the feelings helplessness
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
it is possible to move on
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had to watch the pain he was in
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was relieving stress. There was too much tension for too long.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to be there when he died
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
whether he was buried or cremated
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about how he missed my accomplishments.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I choose not to dwell on the impossible. It is impossible to tell.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
gathered all possible memories to keep him alive in my mind
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a failed attempt at self-comfort
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting
--Regarding MONEY:
we no longer had as much as we were used to. My mother had to find
a job and we are still only scraping by.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the way I was treated after
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
too tired to continue living
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I went through many reoccuring periods of anger, self-pity, denial
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I hope that my father would say that he is proud of me. This would
make me feel that I have the complete support that I am lacking.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
In a dream I met my father at the cottage (where he spent his
childhood). I realized he was dead and asked him what he was doing
there. He said that he was looking for a book that my mother made
him read.
I asked my mother about it but we have never been
able to figure the dream out.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I hope that people would not try to recessitate me for their own
reasons and not mine.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope that it is not a long and painful process and I hope that
others are able to get on with their lives.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was nice to write down my feelings
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Sun Jul 22 07:38:44 2001
F23 in sleaford, =england=
Name: caroline
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: social work
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 46.
--Details:
pretty sudden,
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of existence,
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
somehow knew it had already happend, and didnt actually need
telling. I was only 9 years old.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...nan died from cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
understanding, and accepting it almost immediatly.Coping well even
though i was only 9 years old.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the memories that live on
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
didnt recieve any support, just coped on my own.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being allowed as a child to attend the funeral
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
visit my father one last time, as i had said i would.
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
the pepole that leave this world with unresolved differences,
understand and forgive them.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i have seem/smelled my relatives and know they are there if i need
them. They tend to come when i need support of some kind or to
tell/warn me of things.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
if its going to happen, it will. Everyone has a time and nothing
can stop that. Accept that and your home free!
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
children should be allowed to funerals
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
wasnt allowed to go to the funeral
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Sat Jul 21 21:58:27 2001
F77 in O'Brien, Or =USA=
Name: Jeanne Marie Reber-Shaw
Email: <jeanne_shaw=at=hotmail.com>
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Prof/Studies: Cosmic Anthropology
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More personal info:
My #3 son, John Timothy Shaw lies dying in a Hospice somewhere in
North Carolina. The Cancer has spread into his liver and he is in
a great deal of pain. I'll be 77 the 25th of this month and have
just recently had a breast lumpectomy. I would like to know if
the Hospice has someone to help John through The Bardo?
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Fri Jul 20 05:31:26 2001
M14 in newnan, georgia =u s =
Name: oz wood
Email: <death356us=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
Prof/Studies: student
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
I was climbing a tree and fell 25 ft.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
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Thu Jul 19 12:21:31 2001
F47 in , Pennsylvania =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Put in words pshchiatric and research
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Prof/Studies: Homemaker
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More personal info:
Educated as an attorney.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 2 years ago.
Cause of Death: Suicide; Aged: 45.
--Details:
Husband was a successful physician, had no financial problems,
two really great, intelligent loving children and to the best of my
knowledge an open loving relationship with me. His childhood had
been an unhappy one and he had two very selfish parents, especially
his father. His father was a very well known surgeon who essentially
rejected everything his son did as inferior. In reality my husband
was much more respected and successful than his father; I don't think
he realized that. Anyway, there was no prior indication of his
suicide except that for the last two weeks he was irritable which
he said was because of a "retreat" that he had to go to with his
business partners. He had experienced sleep problems for the last
five years since back and neck surgury. He used Ambien, Soma, and
benzodiazapams for sleep ( he was VERY health aware and never took
more than the min. dose, no sign of impairment).
About two months
before his death, my husband decided to change medications, to go
off the Benzodiazapams and to use an anti-depressant if necessary
for sleep. He tappered the dose but I think that he had become
addicted because of the long term nature of his use. He ordered
100 x 100mg Secobarbital Sodium from Schien Pharmaceutical. The
drugs were delivered "Express Mail" to our home. Then following the
instructions of the book Final Exit he mixed the drugs, drank, and
took other meds so as not to vomit, placed a plastic bag on his head
and took his life at a hotel near our home. No good-by or I love
you to his children. The week before he had watched Apocolyse Now
(pardon my spelling) which several suicide internet sites recommend
to get you in the "mode". He also isolated himself from me and the
children in his home office and home movie theatre.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end to physical existance but our spirit, soul, essence lives
on in the memories of those who loved us and the good works we have
done. Death is saddest for those who we leave behind.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to understand the full sense of loss.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...uncle died suddenly of massive heart attack
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
abandonment, betrayal, anger.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not necessarily an easy process. Just as life is not easy
and can't be controlled the same goes for death. Assisted suicide
for the critically ill is not the answer to a "good death". Pain
relief, love, spiritual and mental nurturing of the sick is far
better way to assure a "good" death. Assisted suicide makes the
sick and disabled feel as if they have a duty to die so as not to
be a burden.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the support I found in neighbors I hardly knew and the new respect
I gained for my children and their friends.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my children. I knew that I had to go on for them and try to make
things somewhat "normal" for their emotional well being.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the nature of the death-suicide. Intellectually I understand
what happened but I can not forgive what my husband did to his
children. Not only have they had to bear the loss of a parent but
also the social stigma of suicide ( it does still exist, they simply
never discuss their fathers death)as well as economic hardship. Many
insurance policies do not pay in the case of suicide. Also his
business partners expressed the anger they felt toward my husband
and his suicide by cutting all ties with the family and offering no
financial support such as expediting his deferred income etc. The
survivors of the deceased bear the brunt of society's anger.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I was in attendance when my mother died of cancer. At the end pain
relief as the most important thing. She knew that she was loved
and had complete trust that we would do all in our power to make
her comfortable.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I felt a sense of relief after my Mother's death. She had been
very sick and her passing was at first almost a relief because I no
longer had to carry the load of her care. Of course, within hours
grief dominated.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did not feel this way but both of my son's did; they explained
that they just did not know how to act and it was the only way they
could release anxiety.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my husband that I loved him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
survive this long.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the police never even made out a police report about the death. I
had no right to know the full details of how my husband died. I
finaally had to go to court to get the information.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
a funeral. With suicide you are in such shock and feel such mixed
emotions toward the deceased that you really do not want a public
display which glorifies the deceased and invites the curious to
have a look at the family and make unfeeling remarks. Sounds mean
but people really don't understand what suicide is like for the
survivors and how their thoughtless remarks only hurt more.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I will never be over the loss or the abandonment.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't let myself dream because then the reality of the loss
becomes more than I can bear.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Suicide is not "fair" to any one. What is striking is how many lives
are lost to suicide each year in the US yet no one talks about it.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
run away or move to a new community.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
(referring to my husband)was thrust immediately into action to
assure that I could continue to provide for my children and meet
their emotional needs. I was not until about 9m0nths to a year
after his death that I allowed my self to fully absorb the loss;
then I felt confused and started searching for answers.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Not applicable. Many doctors have social problems which they do
not confront so how can they help others with theirs.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I was not part of a church but the Ministers and other religious
groups did contact me and offer help which I thought was very kind.
--Religious Affiliation:
None
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Comforting. I like to think that their is a common thread to
humanity.
--Regarding MONEY:
We not only had to deal with loss of husband/father but financial
lose of support. Children are at the age where they are starting
college and can no longer go to school of their choice because of
financial limitations.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I never expected so many people. There were close to 700 people;
the ordeal was overwhelming- I have largely blocked out the ordeal.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the night he took his life every fire alarm in our home went off
and even the fire department could not quiet them without turning
off the fuse. A repair man came to fix the system several weeks
latter but found that nothing was wrong. The night that my mother
died the exact same thing happened; every alarm in the house went
off and when I returned to her room after attempting to see what
was wrong she was dead. The alarm system was checked out after her
death and nothing was found to be wrong.
Also the police man who
came to my house for the alarms was named Walt(my husbands name);
when I went to the police station the next day to file the missing
person's report Officer Walt was the first person I ran into.
Officer Walt was also the police man who discovered my husbands body.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Just check in once in a while especially after the 1st 6 months.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Please see answer above about fire alarms
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I keeping asking why? Why would he take his life? Why didn't he
ask for help? All he had to do was say he needed help and I would
have handled it from there but instead he chose to destroy himself
and almost destroy those who loved him. I would have started with
a psych.MD.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I wish that my husband would say that he loved me. I feel that he
died angry and I don't know why.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My neighbor at our shore home died suddenly from a brain tumor. My
sons and I had seen her the day that she fell into a coma; we made
her come into our house because she was getting her house ready for
renters but she was so hot that I wouldn't let her go home until I
was sure she was ok. I never saw Marie again, she was dead within two
weeks. The next summer, about 2 o'clock in the afternoon on a Sunday,
my dog kept barking, wagging his tail and looking up the steps.
She simply would not stop. Finally, I went over to the stairs to get
her and when I looked up at the top of the stairs was a misty/human
image that waved to me then disappeared through the wall. Marie's
house was attached to ours, and her bedroom was at the top of the
stairs like mine. Their were no clear features on the being but
I knew that it was Marie and that she had come to say good-bye. I
was frightened at first- I got dizzy and had to sit down. In fact
I packed the car and went home for a few days. It was just a shock,
I wasn't even thinking of her at the time - it was out of the blue.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
The thought of death does not cause fear for me. I've tried to live
a good life and think that my children and friends will remember
me with love. If I knew I was about to die I would make sure that
my entire estate was in order and that I had a trustworthy person
to handle things.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Time
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I really can't remember my life before my husband's death.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No- in fact friends made through my husbands business and other
activities have not been supportive or even bothered to call.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Support Group
As a young child was not fully aware of the full magnitude of the
loss. Could not understand the shock and sorrow my aunt must have
felt or comprehend her fear at being left with three children under
the age of ten to support. Also my cousins were obviously in denial
at the funeral because of the sudden nature of their father's death
( he was only 36 years old and had no prior history of heart desease)
Nothing got in the way as a child. I came from a large extended
family and was largely shielded from the realities associated with
death. Also my life was very busy and adults "took care of things"
so that children were involved in the funeral, wake etc but not
aware of the economic burdens that the family often suffered or
the psycho. suffering that the immediate family often experienced.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jul 17 11:30:56 2001
M29 in tappan, new york =us=
Name: henry ferzola
Email: <ferzolah=at=volvo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: automotive career
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
none
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Wife, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: infection; Aged: 25.
--Details:
a doctor made a mistake after my wife gave birth to my son & she
got a REALLY bad infection & died 2 mos later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A part of life. A transition to another world. Another stage humans
must go through.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young & didn't know what was going on until I was older.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was my grandfather. my parents pretty much
explained death to me then.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The fear & pain, both mine & my wife's
--What I think my (us) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It affects everyone different.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
realizing how much my wife & I really loved each other.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
none..
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
hopelessness.........
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
it lets them know your "OK"
--[My Wife's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
want them to know NEVER to take things for granted, because they
could be gone in a flash.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when I figured out that she was not going to be there anymore.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say I love you 1 more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
none
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my friends just held me & told me it was going to be ok
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
it was all important
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear a song that brings me back.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be happy again
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
all the time
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did shit for me
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
knowing my wife was in a better place
--Religious Affiliation:
r.c
--Regarding MONEY:
none... I did not care about money =at= that time
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the feeling of love in the room
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
all of it
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i died when I was 2 yrs old(drowned) & this spiritual visit is
true. I remember like it was yesterday
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
drowned when I was two. I had a near death experience. It let me
know that there is a better place then this world
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
it made it harder.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
a beautiful dream......
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
no
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
drinking
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
my wife's best friend.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
everything...
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I saw a family at the hospital who's son had just been in a car
accident the same day my wife died. he was in really bad shape &
I overheard the doctors say they did not know he was going to make
it. I went over to the family & told them, that although I was no
doctor, I'm sure he would be fine. I told them my wife would make
sure of it. I heard later one that the boy recovered 100%
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
verry mixed feelings.
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Tue Jul 17 04:49:06 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 69.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
loss, a new beginning, an eye opener, grief
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wanted to attend the funeral as a means of getting over it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...erm....my great grandad died.what do you want
from me?
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I had to cancel a sleepover on Halloween and I cried down the phone
to my best friend when I told her.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Shit happens.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It brought me closer to other members of my family
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching the grief of people close to me and not being able to do
anything about it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is a natural thing to do and it is merely because the situation
is out of the ordinary and you don't know how to react.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell them how much they meant to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Say goobye.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I was allowed to choose some of my nan's jewelery to keep, and
packing away her ornaments which I used to play with as a child.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
someone mentions them.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she was unlucky in life, no one deserves that.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scream my head off.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they tried, there is no sense in placing blame.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
it was a horrible place, I am glad she got out in the end.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
something to comfort me even if it wasn't true.
--Religious Affiliation:
Past: Christianity
Current: Who knows
--Regarding MONEY:
some people were only concerned with what they could get, I thought
that was disgusting.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
People were there for me but I wasn't there for others when I should
have tried.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
telling others
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The only thing I wonder about is if they knew that I loved them.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to ask if there was an afterlife/heavan and have you
been looking down on us?
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I dread it, if I knew I was dying I would fear how and when and I
would want it to be over quickly.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Pretty weird
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Mon Jul 16 17:18:48 2001
F26 in Sydney, NSW =Australia=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Emergency Medical Technologist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 8 ago.
Cause of Death: illness - had to put him down; Aged: 12.
--Details:
I took him to the vet crying all the way because I knew he couldn't
last much longer. I felt guilty that I was taking him to die and
he didn't know or understand what was going on. He was scared,
though, and I had so wanted his last moments to be happy ones.
I couldn't stand him looking at me like that. It is a very long
time ago but I am still a little teary as I write this, and I feel
a little silly about it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the person's body stops functioning, so the person you once
knew is gone forever.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked at how fast it could happen.
--That first time, how it happened was
I was 18, in my first year of work as a Nursing Assistant at a
nursing home. I had made friends with one particular resident who
spoke the same dialect of German as me. Her name was Mrs Schroeder.
I guess you could say she was my favorite, even though I knew I was
not supposed to have favorites. Anyway, I came back to work after
a week's vacation. I wasn't assigned to the part of the nursing
home where Mrs Schroeder lived, but during my break I went to her
room to say hello, only to see another resident there. The nurse
told me that Mrs Schroeder had contraced a sudden illness and died.
I was upset because I had become attached to her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
grief that I could not comfort my pet and explain that I loved him.
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
whether there is an afterlife.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that the person involved had wished for release and that Death gave
it to her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being with friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the realization that heawas gone forever.
--[My dog's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
got over it even though I thought the pain would never go away.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
people seemed to think that my happiness would be restored by rushing
out and buying a new pet. I wanted to have a loved pet again, but
i felt that it was too soon and I would just be comparing the new
pet with the old one. I was confused because other people thought
I was grieving too long and I didn't understand when the pain would
go away and whether I was being abnormal in my reaction.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let him die without fear.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
reasoned that it was the best thing to happen but i still felt sad.
--Religious Affiliation:
none
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
The same week a resident in my care died and I had to wash and
dress the body. I knew that resident too, and she looked peaceful
in death - much more than she had recently. I recalled that Mrs
Schroeder had also said she was tired and wanted to pass away,
and I began to feel that her death was a good thing.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me think how different the two things are: realizing that the
death was a release for the person, and feeling grief all the same.
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Mon Jul 16 12:40:17 2001
M20 in Washington, DC =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: Old age; Aged: 93.
--Details:
Died in his sleep, peacefully
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
frightening for a lot of us. Our philosophy hasn't really figured
out what will happen to our consciousness once our body decays. The
more religious among us have it a little easier. They at least have
an answer, although they're not really sure whether it's true or not.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Wasn't afraid at all. I was too young to really understand it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My grandmother died when I was six years
old. I remember going to the funeral.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I was the only one not crying.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
they need to accept that it happens, that life and death is a cycle
that shouldn't be tampered with by artificial means like cryogenics
or keeping people's bodies alive far past the time when they could
be revived.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that grandpa got to see my uncle Jim once more before he died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own private spirituality, belief that no one ever blinks out of
existence, just changes.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing all the people I didn't know, who knew the person who died.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk to my uncle Craig before he died. He and my father had a
fight, and didn't talk to each other in the six years leading up
to his death.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I saw a picture of my grandfather as a young man, at his funeral.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The flowers. There were too many of them, a card would have been
nicer.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when I read about people dying because of the negligence of others,
like drunk driving or bad food inspection.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
good intentions. Grandpa was 93, there wasn't really all that much
they could do to "cure" what ailed him, but they tried to make him
as comfortable as possible.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Formalities. I have a few priests in the family, so it was especially
hard for them when they had to concelebrate at the funeral.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very true. Everything's for a purpose, and we're all the same in
that sense.
--Regarding MONEY:
it didn't really matter much. Grandpa had somehow squirreled away
a lot of money during his life, and had provided for his funeral.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Its formality, and "sanitized" feel. As though there were no real
emotions going on, the ceremony just had to be gotten through,
and feelings sorted out afterwards.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How Grandpa smelled in the weeks before he died. I don't know how,
but I could somehow tell it was coming by the smell.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Slowing down of speech and hearing, gradually sleeping more and more
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
they took place before grandpa died. He died peacefully and he died
well, after a full life.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Actually, I had that conversation two days before grandpa died. I
asked him what he'd been most proud of in his whole life; he said
his children.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
n/a
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't want to be kept alive beyond my time.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It'd liberate me. I'd do everything I'd ever meant to, because now
I'd have no fear of consequences, or what might happen tomorrow. I'd
live for the moment.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
When my uncle Craig died, I put the Christmas present I hadn't given
him because of the fight (it was a small apple-shaped pencil-holder)
in the coffin with him.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
It helped when I saw the body in the coffin. I have no idea why
(I was only six at the time), but somehow it felt comforting.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
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Sun Jul 15 18:22:07 2001
M15 in hobart, tasmania =australia=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...he was very sick
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? The Funeral
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? I knew it was coming
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Thu Jul 12 13:02:36 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Death Be Not proud
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: alcohol; Aged: 35.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a completion to life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...RELATIVE DIED OF ILLNESS
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my sister screaming
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
its not an end to the persons spiritual life
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the person is no longer physically suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
spiritual beliefs and family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the reality and finality of their death and the loneliness
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listening and honesty
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to go on with my life
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I knew they were going to die but i didn't want them to die
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
remembering things from the past
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to tell them I loved them
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
he drove all the way from texas to north dakota to get me ready
for college
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
who was at the funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i enroll for school
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
our family would still be together
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was so young
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be allowed to have a breakdown
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
gratitude
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
stability
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting
--Regarding MONEY:
insignificant
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many lives were impacted by his life
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
i can't recall anything strange
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
extreme wieght loss and cold feet or poor circulation
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
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Sat Jul 7 16:58:37 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
generally just surfing
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 38 ago.
Cause of Death: strokes; Aged: 60 ish.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
physical end of life going on to a spiritual plane of existance.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a young child and do not remember being particularly upset.
Nor am I now upset.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My Grandmother died from multiple strokes.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My Father crying.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That children from a very young age need to be taught that death
is now and always be a part of living.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My Grandmother came in spirit to say goodbye to each of the children.
I know this for a fact because all of the children in my family
told thier parents the same thing.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My Grandfather telling me Grandmother was now in no pain. That she
lived now in a place where it was alwys warm and she could work in
her garden any time she wanted to.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I didn't have Grandmother there to physically hug any longer.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Tell them you love them.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Always smile at the thought of what we always did togeather.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I saw my Grandmother in the coffin. She only looked asleep and I
thought she would wake up.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Live with my Grandmother every summer.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My Father cried. Its the only time I have seen him cry.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
She forgot how to talk at the end of her life.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I dont get teary eyed now. Nor did I then.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
She left me.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
We didn't go to church.
--Religious Affiliation:
None
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Comforting
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The adults seemed to think that the children didn't understand what
had happened.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Not being upset when all the adults around me were.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Your body beginning to weaken and not having any energy to do things
on a daily basis.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Death is a comfort to our loved ones who were in pain.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
She came to say goodbye to me.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
A freind of mine broke her neck and was dying. She says now that
her tolerance has grown to accept people for who they are and what
they enjoy.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
No unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to tell my Grandmother that I love her once again.
And to be able to hear her say it back with the voice that she
forgot how to use.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
In times of major stress, My Grandmother comes to me in dreams
and sometimes while I'm awake to let me know that things will be
better.....just hang on.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Organ donation. I've told my family members that I want to do this,
and am having trouble convincing them that this is what I want.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
No more pain
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
Grandmother always taught us that she would always be there for us
even after she died. That she loved us all very much and always
would.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
My Mother told me that Grandmother wouldn't be here anymore.
This caused confusion on my part because it directly negated what
Grandmother taught us.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me remember how happy my childhood was. In the daily
running of our adult lives, sometimes this carefree time is
forgotton. And I think thats a shame.
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Sat Jul 7 08:46:14 2001
F21 in Stoke on Trent, UK =Staffordshire=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Psychology and Criminology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 49.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Basically, we are just machines that wear out and eventually we stop
working. That's when we die. It means that we will never see the
person again. Human beings don't know what's going to happen after
we have died. There are many theories, varying across religions,
but I suspect the truth is that nothing is going to happen.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really understand it and it wasn't a significant event to me
--That first time, how it happened was
My great-grandmother died when I was seven. I knew her pretty well
back then, but I was too young to process the whole thing properly,
plus we never really got on, so I reacted relatively indifferent.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Hating the fact that I was ever born, because it means that I
will have to die one day, too, tehre's no escape. I also hated the
thought that all of my friends and relatives are going to die as
well one day. I remember telling myself never to go to any funeral
again. And I won't.
--What I think my (Staffordshire) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That there is no such thing as a life after death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
that my memory of the event and the funeral faded
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Understanding the point of being here.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
(Ehm... how can you get feedback from a person what made dying
easier for him/her?)
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my aunt how much I appreciate her
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
her son phoned my dad and told him that he's glad the death of his
mum had finished her struggle with cancer. That impressed me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
hated death even more
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Telling people what they like to hear so that it makes them feel
better, which is no good. I don't believe in this life after death
story. I'm religious, but I don't believe in this, it's ridiculous.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when my parents tried to persuade me to come and say "goodbye"
(meaning I should have a last look at her in the coffin). No,
thank you. I couldn't do that. I can't look at dead people, they
give me the creeps, plus it would have been too much for me -
I would broken down in tears.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she never had any of such "visions".
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
That's just a visual illusion - when you are just about to die
the sight angles of your eyes become very narrow ´(creating the
"tunnel" people have claimed to see) and your pupils stop to function
properly so that all they can still detect from the daylight is
a weak light. It's nice that it changes people's lives and takes
away their fear, but it's just an illusion.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I can't sleep in my greatgrandmother's room. I always feel her
standing in the corner, staring at me. Maybe there is something true
about it - we rely too much on our eyes during daytime, so we neglect
other senses, but at night we need to rely on other things... I don't
know. I just know that I can't relax properly in some houses because
I can feel someone creeping behind me up the stairs, or standing
in the corner, whilst in others I don't have any problems whatsoever.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
You should always respect and follow a dying person's wishes. After
all s/he can't take care of them her/himself.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't want to know when I am going to die. I'm not looking forward
to it. I assume that since nothing's going to happen afterwards
then it won't be too bad - you can't feel boredom or loneliness if
you don't exist.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Like I said, in this case it did not really affect me
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
My parents never talked to me about it - but I assume they didn't
because I never asked them to
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Sat Jul 7 06:25:42 2001
F22 in , Arkansas =US=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I was just looking for surveys and polls.
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Prof/Studies: Factory Worker
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 8 yrs. ago.
Cause of Death: We think it was an anuerism; Aged: 13.
--Details:
I was sitting in class with him during sixth period of that day,
and during his basketball practice seventh period, he collapsed.
It caught us all by surprise because he'd been laughing and talking
the hour before.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The passing from one world to the next--for better or worse.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried a little, but she was a Christian and I knew I'd see her again.
--That first time, how it happened was
My great-aunt had cancer and eventually died from it. I was very
young, but I remember her well. She was a very sweet lady.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the disbelief I felt.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it doesn't have to be feared.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
people who had never given any thought to religion got saved when
my friends died. It made them realize that they didn't have forever
to wait.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Music and prayer.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I couldn't talk to him anymore. We couldn't trade
funny stories or laugh anymore.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have learned to take no one for granted. Try to enjoy the people
you love while you still can.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was trying to get rid of the grief somehow. I had cried until
I couldn't cry anymore, and I think one has to express some kind
of emotion.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him I loved him. He was the best friend I'll ever have.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
come to terms with it, and look back on the memories with a smile.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I heard the sweet things he had said about me to others.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
his age. He would've been just as kind at 80 years old.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see someone who resembles him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We would be married by now, and maybe have kids. We'd laugh about
the arguments we had when we were younger.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone so good and kind died while so many horrible people
are completely healthy.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die and go to heaven, so I could be with him again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn't cry at first. I was just angry for a little while.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
distrust. They might could've done more, but the ambulance didn't
have all they needed and it took forever for them to arrive at
the school.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
having a place to get away from it all...to air it all and get
some peace.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding MONEY:
his parents weren't rich people they had got money from a lot of
people to help with the funeral.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was very comforting. He had a lot of friends and we were all
together in one place.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing the pictures the had of him at the funeral, and knowing that
there would never be anymore of them.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I went through every emotion thinkable before I just settle on the
pleasant memories.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I wasn't with him when he died.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
After I had my daughter, I nearly died the birth was a very tough
one, but the only thing I remember is looking at my blood-pressure
and thinking, "I'm dying." It was like a dream. I could hear
people talking, but I couldn't understand them, and then everything
just faded to black. I woke up hours later, and, by then they had
gotten me stabilized. The strange thing was, there was no pain or
even any feeling. I guess I always thought death would be painful,
but when I was that close, I couldn't feel anything.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My friend, and I were on very good terms when he died. I'm thankful
of that.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want them to tell me they'd watch over me, and that they
are alright.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
This is going to sound really strange, but another of my friends who
died loved orange juice. He used to give the lids to girls and tell
them to think of him when they say that lid. The week after he died,
I was at my friend's house. She was also friends with him. She had
set a bottle of orange juice on the table and was abou to reach for
the glass, when suddenly the lid popped off and landed on the table.
We just kind of stared at each other for a minute, knowing that,
if that was a coincidence, it was a big one. Then she said, "That
was strange!" We just smiled and laughed. I guess we'll never know.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
These things seem so shallow, but I don't want to be buried in the
ground. I want to be above ground. I don't want to be buried in a
dress. I don't want to be put on life-support if there's no chance
for me. I also really hope they get someone to do my hair right.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not afraid of dying, because I know what's coming afterwards,
but I would prefer not to know it was going to happen soon because
I'd have trouble dealing with the fact that I would never get to
see my daughter grow up.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
My friends and I try to think of as many funny things as we can about
the times we shared with the person. We laugh and cry together.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
The most recent death to really touch me was that of my
ex-boyfriend,Kevin, who had been a friend after we broke up. I had
met his best friend, before, but I was dating Kevin and his friend
was engaged. I didn't really even like the guy. After the funeral,
he turned out to be someone who could tell me even more than I knew
about Kevin. Long story short, we've been married almost three
years now and have a daughter.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
I try to remember all the good times I shared with the person,
and I don't even try to hold back the tears.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
I really only have a problem dealing with the deaths that seem so
senseless. I get angry because I feel it could've been avoided.
Then I realize that was the way it was meant to be and just cry.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I'm no good at consoling, and I really don't like people trying to
cheer me up or saying they know how I feel. NO, they don't because
even if they were friends with the person, too, no two friendships
are the same. I get rather nasty when someone says those words.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought back memories, both good and bad.
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Fri Jul 6 20:05:28 2001
F33 in n/a, Illinois originally =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Customer Service
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
n/a
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
n/a
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 28 ago.
Cause of Death: leukemia; Aged: 5.
--Details:
I don't know how it happened, but it, and the aftermath, has affected
me since.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of conscious living, as far as humans know.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was upset by the loss of my best friend (cousin).
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my cousin died 28 years ago, at the age of 5.
I am 3 months older than her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
what my aunt (her mother) said.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I don't know - I think it should remain a mystery.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
her suffering ended.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my grandmother understanding my loss.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
learning that nothing is forever.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
do anything you can, to give the dying some comfort.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I don't want anyone to know anything about it. The loss is still
very much a part of me, and I don't like people getting too close.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was told I was "expected" to help raise my younger cousin, the
sister to the one that died. The sister is 4 1/2 years younger
than myself.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didn't laugh - I tried to console my grieving aunt, and I was
hurt by her words. I have just now begun to heal that hurt.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
nothing - I was too young.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I'm not thankful at all.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
obviously, my aunt lashed out in grief.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what a 'shame' it was to die so young. The disease can strike at
any age....
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I don't normally think about it, and never get 'teary-eyed' over it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't know - too many other things have influenced my life
since then.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
quite often, as a child, before I realized there was nothing I
could do about the loss but accept it.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
it isn't difficult for me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was much older, and had already gotten over the loss.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I don't know - details like that weren't shared with me.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Not much - my grandparents only went to church for weddings and
funerals, but my mother sporadically insisted on weekly services.
The inconsistency resulted in resistance to compliance with my
mother's wishes.
--Religious Affiliation:
Ordained Minister, Universal Life Church, raised as United Methodist
(not devout), dabbled in Wicca & Satanism as a teen.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right, like Spirit is the common denominator in all living beings.
--Regarding MONEY:
I don't know - it wasn't ever discussed with me.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I don't really remember the funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The night before, I dreamed my cousin died. In later years, I
also dreamed of other family members dying - to date, they all have.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
lack of energy and a washed-out appearance - not like a person is
exhausted or just tired - but like the life energy is draining out
of them.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
isolation is best. I need time to get over the loss.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't know. She was hospitalized at the time of her death,
and I wasn't allowed to visit her often.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
A friend of mine has been resusitated twice, due to a hit-and-run
accident. Although he says he occassionally has suicidal thoughts,
they are mostly out of despair and frustration with life. He is
not afraid of dying.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Fine. We were very close, but very young. There were no issues
for us at that age.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I don't really have any feelings about her death now - I was told,
as a child, to get over it and get on with my life.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
never happened.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
First, put it in a will. Second, write an honest eulogy for yourself.
Third, make sure EVERY member of your family knows your wishes,
even if you know they will disagree.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
As a teenager, I did not wish to grow old. Now that I am older,
I have accepted that inevitability. Other than that, I haven't
given it much thought, other than I'd prefer to be cremated.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I try to distract myself, until it matter is no longer first in
my mind. Reading works best for me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Well, I still read voraciously, but I have since I was 3 anyway...
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Actually, due to the expectations placed on me, I dislike children
even to this day.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
My young age was a factor in dealing with the loss.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
Her mother telling me she wished I had died.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I tried reaching out. 'Nuff said.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Not really useful to me, but no doubt useful for your study.
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Fri Jul 6 07:15:45 2001
F73 in deland , Fl =usa=
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, three weeks ago ago.
Cause of Death: age & anuerysm; Aged: 92.
--Details:
It was so very sudden~~~~
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--Death Is:
a leaving the world as we know it~~~
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wondered, deeply, what's next from here~~~
--That first time, how it happened was
An elderly friend of my grandmothers.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
missing my Mom
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
a learning is needed to help the pain & the feeling of such total
loss~~~
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
She will not be in pain nor suffer~~~
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing how much my Mom loved me & that she will always be with &
around me~~
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
no longer having actual contact with her
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
hold them close~~~a lot
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the actual moment of death when the body is empty & lifeless
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never felt this
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hold her close & let her feel my caring
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
feel the love of christ around her
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
last small soft breath
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I really don't know
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I wish so much that I could have been there to hold her when she
was alone & in pain
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I'd be there beside her!!!!She was always there for me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That today all seems normal & only hours later~~~ she's suddenly gone
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Go to sleep & join her
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt the unfairness of it all
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They do the best they can
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They are wonderful
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
feeling the looking forward to eternal peace
--Religious Affiliation:
Spiritualist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
there are no fences in heaven
--Regarding MONEY:
I feel that my stepdad manipulated their estate to his own advantage
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I do not believe in "funerals" per se. There was a private
service
at the graveside. This is my preferencePLATITUDES
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
PLATITUDES!!!!!!
I have little patience with such statements
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
this varies too much to addres
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i only hope that the ending comes quickly~~~ lingering suffering
accomplishes NOTHING
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I feel it's a blessing
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
When I "awoke" & realized that I was still amoung the living,
I was disappointed~~`
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Many have returned in dreams~~~
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I hold the doll my Mother made for me 60 years ago. I feel her love &
closeness & I have to put this away for awhile now as missing her
is still too painful
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body
This was the beginnings of my questions.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
This opened the mystery to me but I had no answers.
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Thu Jul 5 12:55:54 2001
F47 in debary, florida =volusia=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: unemployed at this time due to injuries
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More personal info:
I HAVE A LOVE OF ANIMALS,A STAR GAZER. AND KIND HEARTED, LIKE TO
HELP OTHERS
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandFather, 30 ago.
Cause of Death: i dont remeber; Aged: 68.
--Details:
but I have lost my husband as of a drunk driver and I am not
dealing with it very well. It occured 10 months ago. I want god
to let my husband, even if only in a dream.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
my granfather died when i was 13
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Tell my kids to stay in contact with each other. Tell them I
love them
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
hoping that i will see the one love, rejoin them some day
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
will i suffer, will feal pain
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Thu Jul 5 01:01:18 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 5 ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 18.
--Details:
His death was very sudden, and the circumstances around it have
never been clarified.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of life in the physical form.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was very afraid of it, and the person who died.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...
A very old relative of mine who I was not
well aquainted with died, I had constant nightmares about her death,
and thought I saw her every night hovering over my bed.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
It was a very sad and untimely death.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is not about dying, only your body dies. Your soul, or
the thing that grows with you that embodies all aspects of your
thought and personality lives on. Where it goes and what it
does is something that no human could even begin to comprehend.
I would also like to add that I was raised as a hardcore Lutheran,
but after learning more about the religion and other religions and
ultimately dismissing them, I do not believe in heaven or hell,
just an afterlife and one ultimate Creator.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death may not be an end as much as it is another beginning.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
People who didn't get caught up in the meleodrama of death (not to
belittle other people's or my losses) but instead celebrated the
life that was lived.
Also...just a feeling... can't explain it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Losing them, not having them in my life.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Tue Jul 3 16:01:56 2001
F22 in florahome, fl =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: mortgage broker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 1.5 years ago.
Cause of Death: car squished him and his brother; Aged: less than 1 yr.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
unavoidable and permanent.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not cope at all with it. took a year and lots of self trails
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my dogs got run over and my husband was
supposed to watch them. they were our children and it was extremely
hard.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the emptiness
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
everything
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
none
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
music
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
emptiness
--[My dog's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
a dog is a dog and is an animal, never second guess that.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
watch them in the yard and not expect my husband too.
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
letting go
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
music, all types, helps the emotions flow
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
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Tue Jul 3 15:10:53 2001
F33 in Glasgow, Strathclyde =Scotland, UK=
Name: Laura Bruce
Email: <ellbee75=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Teacher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 61.
--Details:
It took 8 months from first diagnosis until his death
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--Death Is:
personal,painful, all-consuming, not understood by anyone but
yourself
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really understand it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great Aunt had a stoke and died a week
later. I was taken to visit her in hospital but it didn't relly
have any great impact on me. I was about 8 at the time. I did nit
attend the funeral.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The change in my Dads appearance, the pain he was in, how useless
I was to help.
--What I think my (Scotland, UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To talk more about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I know how much my Dad loved me and how much I still love him
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
working 7 days a week to keep my mind busy!!
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The personal loss, emptyness
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
That's it - you don't have to do or say anything.Be there.
I just held his hand a lot.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My brother and I had a massive argument about small, trivial matters
and fell out.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
n/a
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time being with him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My Dad decided that he'd had enough pain and was ready to die.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Medical opinion, treatment etc
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm down,sad,lonely. I'm not over it and find it really hard to
talk about without crying.
Sometimes the thoughts enter my head
for no reason.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Nothing would really be different. I guess I'd spend less time with
my Mum.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
...nothing else, just 'it's not fair'
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to someone who knows exactly what I've been through and who
has been there too.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was numb, couldn't sleep, was useless at making decisions
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
lack of support for relatives
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
minimal
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
n/a
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian - Protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I'm an athiest. Once you die that's it - end of story.
--Regarding MONEY:
Not as much life insurance as there could have been. Mum has to be
careful with her money
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
My dad had made some real good friends...and mine were there for me.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Eating too much - should I not have been off my food??
Taking
sleeping pills than lying awake for 2hrs waiting on them to work.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Weight loss, foul language!!Anger. Needing to tell stories from
the past that we'd never heard before. Becoming introverted -
only interested in themselves and the disease they have
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Time heals - a bit but grief is never far away.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Don't know
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
n/a
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Everything was said and I know he loved me. That's all that matters.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had a dream about 2 weeks after my dad had died. He was standing
on the roof of a scyscraper in Chicago (scene from E.R that I'd
watched) wearing his dressing gown. He looked great. He gave me a
really big hug and told me that everything was OK, He said that it
was alright that I hadn't been there when he passed away and that
I'd to look after mum.
It was so real that I woke up crying but
felt calmer afterwards. I still remember the dream in every detail.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't think about it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I visit his grave a lot and give him updates on my dull life!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
n/a
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I met a guy about a year later who's father had died 2 months after
mine. We got on well and it was good to talk about 'dad stuff' and
laugh at the things they did when we were kids. The relationship
lasted about 1year but fell apart for other non-related reasons
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
There have been a couple of occassions at work where I really
wanted to help people who were in the same situation that I had
experienced but I have so much trouble dealing with my own feelings
that I know I would be of no help and that I would just upset myself
and them. I hate myself for this!
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I'm crying! It's good though as I haven't thought about all these
different factors together for a while. I thought my dream was
silly - didn't know it may be 'normal' for such things to happen.
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Sun Jul 1 19:38:00 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 56.
--Details:
He was my surrogate "father" He had heart problems for many years.
In fact, he had a pacemaker, and had several angioplasties, Although
we knew that he wouldn't live to a ripe old age, we didn't think
that it would happen as soon as it did.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Ending of physical being. Soul is set free from our "shell" and
go to heaven/hell In heaven no pain, young, happy, content never
sad again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to fully comprehend it. I thought my heart would
break.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My cousin(who was 16) was driving home from
Youth Group with his friend. Kurt fell asleep in the back seat, and
the driver also fell asleep. They hit a tree and he died instantly.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How much he touched everyone around him, and how much I loved him,
and wished I would have visited the last time I had the opportunity.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It's not the end.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When my grandmother passed away last November, I was sad of course,
but she was very sick. She had very bad diabetes, and dementia.
Towards the end she forgot how to eat, dress herself, and didn't
recognize any of her children or grandchildren. It was really a
blessing when she finally died, because I wanted her to be whole
again, and without pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My faith in god.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
It is unfathomable to me that I will never see the person again.
I wish that I could have made them all see how much I loved them.
It's more my selfish wants than anything else
not wanting someone
to leave me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Love, family, let them know they are loved, that it'll be okay,
that it's ok to let go, they are going to be with god soon, that
you will be okay, that you will always have them in your heart
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
got through it. When I thought that I couldn't live through the
pain,but kept going anyway.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Initial shock and suprise. The first wave of grief makes you feel
really disoriented and almost "out of body"
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell my grandma how much she was loved. I wish I could have said
goodbye to Wayne, and let him know how much I loved him, and how I
was glad he became my "father" and guided me, and took me into his
home when i was young a single parent and had no one....the last
time I was in town for only a day, and thought I will go see them
next time, and next time he was dead.I thin
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about the possibility of leaving my children without a
mother. The fact that our destiny is unknown to us, and while God
knows the time of my death, I don't and that really drives me nuts.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Screamed cried prayed
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
prayer, one on one time with god, and being with family. i believe
in god, i don't believe in "religion" per se
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
My belief in God has helped tremendously.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
I was raised to be an anxious, fearful person, which didn't help
me deal.
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Sun Jul 1 16:58:13 2001
F30 in Joplin, MO =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Manager
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
n/a
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: cirrosis of the liver; Aged: 9 yrs old.
--Details:
I took this death harder than any of the other ones. He was my
leaning post and I had to have him put to sleep. I feel real guilty
about him trusting me when we went to the Vets office.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like a new beginning
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
knew it was coming and took as much time as possible with the person
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My Grandfather had a stroke and within 6
months was gone.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how alone I feel when the night closes in
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
the living are the ones that suffer not the dead
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I spent as much time as possible with all of my family members
that died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
just time. My mind did not adjust well to movies or music for a
while after each death
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the inability to touch
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to remember to be calm
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it was the point of no return. When the needle was empty and he
was starting to fall asleep. I wanted to shout NO STOP, but I knew
it was too late
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have changed his diet and made it last a little longer
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
certain songs come on the radio it just starts that grief coming
in waves over and over.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I try not to do this to myself. It hurts far worse when I realize
it won't happen
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
shut my brain off
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
spent alot of time with my head under the covers
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
life is harder when people realize that your dog was the one to die.
They think it a trival thing.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
With my brother it was a totally different feeling. He was sick
the care he received was great.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
just relying on God
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that all death is just as a flower or onion (whichever you wish to
take) it unfolds and takes the person to a different level
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
indifference
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the part when they aren't there, but they sing and if you join in
the start singing along with you
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I feel that my brother is at rest and that my dog is too.
My Grandparents I'm not sure of.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
twice I've almost drown. The first time when I was little and I
can't remember much, but the second time it was peacefull after the
initial fight or flight had worn off. It was as if I didn't really
need to push myself up for air I could just breath and everything
would be fine. Luckly I found air before I passed out.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
just time. It heals all things
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
just to touch and hold them
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My grandparents figure in my dreams quite a bit, that's why I'm not
sure if they are at peace. As for my brother and my dog, I really
don't dream about them (aleast that I can remember).
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It was considered humane what I did to my dog, but to see his life
drain away as the needle was emptied. I don't think alot of people
realize the guilt that will follow them after you have done that
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
my death doesn't bother me. It is the living that greive
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talking to God
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Alot of talking with God each day as if he were always in the room
with me
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
right before my dog died I was given a small dog and she has helped
to overcome some of the hurtles that stood in the way. She isn't
even the same breed of dog, but she knows how to make me feel better.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Zoning Out
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
friends and family helped, but in the end it was my own mind put
to the healing and not to the pity party that helped. Even now
it is hard to see straight when you talk about certain details.
It is a pain that lessens, but never goes away
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It reminds me that time is something that escapes us until we are
reminded at how much our time is limited
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See Jun 01 contributions.
See May 01 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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