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See Current contributions.
See Apr 01 contributions.
See Mar 01 contributions.
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Thu May 31 10:41:30 2001
M18 in Canton (suburb of Boston), Massachusetts =United States=
Name: Mike
Email: <Spera=at=verizonmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: formerly a student, my last day as a high school senior was yesterday
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: suicide by train; Aged: 17.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of all physical activity for a body.
--That first time, how it happened was
A good friend of mine that I met in school 6 years prior. He commited
suide by train at age 17. If you've never seen anyone run over by
a train, it's obviously very messy. I pity his mother, she had to
identify that pieces as her ex-son.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Respecting it, making it more tragic. The news can report the death
of seven people, then 100 people, then move on to the weather
without so much as batting an eyelid. Other people's deaths are
nothing special unless you knew them.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Brought my surviving group of friends together and strengthened
our bonds
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
A single song. The song was The Offspring's "The End Of The Line".
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Well, isn't that obvious? The fact that they're dead.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I wept
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Writing. Writing fiction as well as poetry and songs.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I tend to cross myself when I walk over the train tracks.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
The fact that is was suicide, the age of the victim, and the brutal
method he used to kill himself.
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Thu May 31 09:19:34 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i just tyed death at yahoo.com
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
fuck u
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
suck it
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--That first time, how it happened was
i jumped off mt. everest
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
i peed on it
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Illicit Drugs
your mom
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Thu May 31 06:06:48 2001
F15 in , =USA=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of idol Public Figure, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 40?.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
not existing anymore. Our bodies exist, but our minds don't. Well,
some people believe that they do, but I don't.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sort of surprised.
--That first time, how it happened was
The old man who lived across the alley died. I did not know him well,
because i was young, but I thought he was nice. We went to the wake,
but I don't remember feeling any special emototions.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being really shocked that he was dead and was never going to do
anything anymore.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to fear it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking about how i felt with people.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i listen to music that reminds me of them.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was shocked that he didn't EXIST anymore.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
learn to understand that it is just a different part of the life
cycle.
--Religious Affiliation:
wicca
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i don't really concsciously believe in spirits after death, but i
sort of instinctively do.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i don't ever want to know that i am going to die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i listen to music and think about it with the lights off.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Superstition
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Thu May 31 02:00:23 2001
F16 in , ==
Web: http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/PlasticHalo
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Looking for surveys to take at 12am
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: AIDS, leukemia, other things.; Aged: 47.
--Details:
He was the only relative I liked, I spent hours and hours on end
in his room watching cartoons with him. He moved to San Francisco
and got more heavily{then he already was} into drugs and I saw him
twice in about five years. Then he died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life. It's when you close your eyes and never wake up.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and don't really remember it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died of alzheimers when I was
6. I wasn't too devastated, I never really knew him.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
WOndering why a thirteen-year-old girl was killed going to a church
function.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
acceptance, being more open about what happened.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Learning to appreciate people while they're alive.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Writing about it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing I didn't get to say good-bye, wasn't able to show how
grateful I was for knowing them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Umm...I guess, just be kind to who ever's dying. Hold their hand,
comfort them if they cry, let them express their fear/relief.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
comforted my other friends who had lost this person, as well as
taking care of myself.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
people die suddenly when they are young and shouldn't have died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I laughed because it was better then crying.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say good-bye and show them how much they meant to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have them in my life.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I was able to be open about it.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
That I couldn't cry for a long time even though I was very sad.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see something on a movie or in a book that reminds me of the
"departed."
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Relationships would be strained, it wouldn't be living.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
to have someone die before their time.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
got very angry.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Confusion??
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
sadness that there was nothing I could do.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
organized religion did nothing for me. I'm not religious.
--Religious Affiliation:
My father was Catholic, my mother was an athiest...I'm not sure
what I am.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like nothing.
--Regarding MONEY:
Doesn't apply to me...
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How nice people look when they're in their coffins.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How unemotional my family was.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Lack of hope.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
??
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
it hasn't happened.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd just thank them and say good-bye.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My uncle came to me in a dream. We were back in his room when I
was a child and he was telling me if I lived my life like how I
was I'd end up a burnt out drug-addict like him.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I've wanted to die for so many years that I don't think I have an
opinion about the issue anymore.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Drinking lots and lots of alcohol.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
No.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Nope.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me rather sad to think about how I didn't knwo how to be
sad before.
Enhancements: http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/PlasticHalo
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Thu May 31 01:59:18 2001
F16 in , ==
Web: http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/PlasticHalo
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Looking for surveys to take at 12am
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: AIDS, leukemia, other things.; Aged: 47.
--Details:
He was the only relative I liked, I spent hours and hours on end
in his room watching cartoons with him. He moved to San Francisco
and got more heavily{then he already was} into drugs and I saw him
twice in about five years. Then he died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life. It's when you close your eyes and never wake up.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and don't really remember it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died of alzheimers when I was
6. I wasn't too devastated, I never really knew him.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
WOndering why a thirteen-year-old girl was killed going to a church
function.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
acceptance, being more open about what happened.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Learning to appreciate people while they're alive.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Writing about it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing I didn't get to say good-bye, wasn't able to show how
grateful I was for knowing them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Umm...I guess, just be kind to who ever's dying. Hold their hand,
comfort them if they cry, let them express their fear/relief.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
comforted my other friends who had lost this person, as well as
taking care of myself.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
people die suddenly when they are young and shouldn't have died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I laughed because it was better then crying.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say good-bye and show them how much they meant to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have them in my life.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I was able to be open about it.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
That I couldn't cry for a long time even though I was very sad.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see something on a movie or in a book that reminds me of the
"departed."
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Relationships would be strained, it wouldn't be living.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
to have someone die before their time.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
got very angry.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Confusion??
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
sadness that there was nothing I could do.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
organized religion did nothing for me. I'm not religious.
--Religious Affiliation:
My father was Catholic, my mother was an athiest...I'm not sure
what I am.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like nothing.
--Regarding MONEY:
Doesn't apply to me...
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How nice people look when they're in their coffins.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How unemotional my family was.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Lack of hope.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
??
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
it hasn't happened.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd just thank them and say good-bye.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My uncle came to me in a dream. We were back in his room when I
was a child and he was telling me if I lived my life like how I
was I'd end up a burnt out drug-addict like him.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I've wanted to die for so many years that I don't think I have an
opinion about the issue anymore.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Drinking lots and lots of alcohol.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
No.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Nope.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me rather sad to think about how I didn't knwo how to be
sad before.
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Tue May 29 08:52:20 2001
F25 in Brooksville, Florida =Hernando=
Name: Cris
Email: <aikidoka35=at=earthlink.net>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Manager
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 77.
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--Death Is:
feared by most people but is really a peaceful release
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 25 at my grandmother's house
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...grandparents died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how upset everyone else was
--What I think my (Hernando) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it's not as scary as they think
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my grandmother finally looked at peace after a year and a half
of suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not having them around anymore
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just that: Be there for them no matter how hard it may seem
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
never
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
didn't happen
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there longer before she passed that day
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be by her side
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I need her advice
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
tried to call her about an achoevement that I had made
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they only prolong the natural process
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice was very helpful & understanding
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
meant a lot to my family but not much to me
--Religious Affiliation:
past Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
correct
--Regarding MONEY:
a lot of the family was fighting
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it felt more humorous than anything to me
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how calm I felt
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
When they start to prepare by saying their goodbyes or getting
affairs in order
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
just knowing that she was at peace helped
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
never expereinced personally
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no issues to resolve
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Would like to hear that she is happy whereever she is now
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
plan ahead. any affairs, insurance, ect.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Knowing wouldn't change anything for me. I could accept it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
visited her house regularly
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Being there at time of death helped
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I stayed strong for my family and was their rock to lean on
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
just another closing process
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Tue May 29 03:23:22 2001
F28 in bucuresti, =Romania=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looking for something on dreams, found death
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Prof/Studies: Doctor, in course of specialization in Psychiatry
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More personal info:
I attended Psychooncology courses because I wanted to learn more
about patients and family coping in terminal illnesses like cancer
and to reach some of the misteries of this strange and, I think,
wonderful phenomenon which is death. I would like a personal response
and wish it posted.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: myocardic infarct; Aged: 71.
--Details:
It was a sudden death and nobody was expecting it.She was out
working, alone, and somebody found her dead, probably 5 or 10 minutes
after she had passed away. My family found out about it only a few
ours later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something you don't want to meet and you push the idea the farthest
you can. But Death reaches us anyway and takes us apart from those we
love, from pleasures and everything that's good in life. This is how
we see it from this side of the "mountain". We're afraid to climb it
to the top, but we've got to get there. And when we get there...well,
this is a private experience and nobody can share it with others. So
you see, alien fellows, nobody on Earth could describe Death so you
can understand it. You can take a Medicine Textbook and read about
it but I don't think that's the right answer. See it for yourselves!
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a child and I only heard of distant relatives' deaths but the
adults around me acted strangely and I understood something was not
right. Actually I experienced other people's grief and all I know
is that it didn't make me feel good and somehow I wanted things to
be the way they had been before.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was a neighbour, killed in the Revolution. He was young. I took
part to his funerals.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the pain it caused to my mother and uncle, the way they couldn't stop
crying that scared me and the way I kept on finding justification
for my own lack of grief. I was frozen and that made me feel guilty.
--What I think my (Romania) culture needs to better learn about death is:
fighting for life in an appropriate way. My culture is best
caracterized by a certain folklore poem called "Miorita". It's about
sheperds and sheep, their way of life, crime and death. One of the
sheperds is killed by others, he finds out about that before but he
doesn't do anything, he accepts it and prepare for death with most
serenity. This poem is being studied in school and it always filled
me with fury. Why this stupid acceptance? I never understood. I
used to believe this kind of attitude towards death is specific
to my people. And what did it mean that fury of mine? It was also
specific to me! Now I'm being more flexible and I believe it's a
good accepting and understanding attitude towards death because I
believe something wonderful awaits us there and death is only a
"passing through". Is that an acceptance and understanding from
me? I'm begining to learn more about me and I know now I'm VERY
SCARED of Death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I began to pray for the first time in my life after my
grandmother's death. And I had a beautiful dream of her after a
week of praying.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Books, I think. I tried to approach death in an intellectualized
manner. I guess it was easiest for me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The guilt. My own guilt of not doing anything to prevent it and my
mother's guilt which I experienced somehow.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
exceeded my fear of praying. I was raised as an atheist and as I was
growing through my adolescence and young adulthood I was becoming
aware of the existence of One Divine Force holding together the
whole Universe but couldn't get in touch with it. This happend
eventually through my praying.
--Religious Affiliation:
orthodox
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I heard from those who looked after her that my grandmother was
visited from her mother and brother but she said they "didn't come to
her". Then she fainted and the people around her tried desperately
to resuscitate her. She came back to life for a short time and the
first thing she said was "Why did you bring me back to suffer?".
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think guilt remains an important issue and psychotherapy can help
me to resolve it.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had two dreams of my grandmother, one a week after her death and
the second one a year and two weeks after. I interpreted these dreams
as messages for me. I thought I had a mission to complete. After a
while I dropped my initial mission because I found another possible
explanation for these dreams. I believe now they are indeed messages
for me but they are also a part of me and my unconscious. There's
a mission for me but only regarding myself (my Self).
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I fantasize sometimes about my own death. I see myself dying in car
accidents or of severe illnesses like cancer and AIDS but I remove
queekly the fantasy. I'm doing that only to imagine the reactions of
significant people in my life. In fact I'm afraid to think seriously
of my own death and I prefere to have an intellectual approach. I
read about it and I want to study the phenomena linked to it. I
really believe it's going to be a passing to something else for me
and I'd like to be prepared. My only fear is that I could die too
soon and I couldn't be able to face death properly.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I was very young and Death didn't exist. It was a curiosity for me
to observe the bullet hole in his head. It was something awful to
look at though.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
I couldn't believe a young man could die like that but I thought
to myself that was an isolate event and it would never happen again.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I find this questionnaire very useful. I was looking for something
else on the web and I found this. I submitted immediately because
my interest in what concerns death is high. I'm a doctor and I'm
going through my specializing in psychiatry. I find this subject of
great interest for a psychiatrist but the possibilities to study it
in my country (Romania) are very low. I know I'll find a way to do
it. I'm also interested in my spiritual development and death is
"part of the job". I know it's a long way to go but I hope I'll
cover it till I die.
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Mon May 28 00:44:13 2001
F31 in Tulsa, Ok =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: educator
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: terminal illness; Aged: 73.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of a human's exsistance
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
worried that someone I loved would die soon
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... It was my grandmother's neighbor and friend.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the overwhelming sense of helplessness and disbelief
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
??
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I became more aware of how I tend to take my loved ones for granted.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
when reality set in and I realized I'd never see her again
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I continually watched my grandmother suffer so much, all the while
wondering to myself where was the peaceful death scene like I had
seen on TV and had read about in books
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
my grandmother would have liked that. She was big on laughter
and humor.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my grandmother "I love you SO much" just one more time
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see her one more time, the month before she died. I live ten hours
away from where she and my grandfather live.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
old friends of my grandmother introduced themselves to me and told
me stories that I had never heard before.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
going through a long funeral service. We kept it short and intimate.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I smell another person wearing her perfume or hear one of her
favorite songs on TV or the radio.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have my family back the way I had always known and loved it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my daughter, who was two at the time my grandmother died,
wouldn't know her.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep for days
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt a profound loss and realized that this is the way it was always
going to be.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
a positive one. The home health care nurses were godsends.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
past- Christian/Church of Christ
current- none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
certain in a sense. I feel my grandmother's presence at times.
--Regarding MONEY:
there were no monetary issues
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was morbid and uncomfortable for me
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing the body in the casket
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
dementia ??
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
first, disbelief, and then utter emptiness when reality sets
in. Finally, there is acceptance and healing
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd like to hear my grandmother's opinions of my parenting skills
and any advice she might have
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I wish that I could have a message or visitation sometimes
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I try not to think of this
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm frightened to the point that I try my best never to imagine my
own death
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
My cousins and I have been writing down stories and recipies to
help keep my grandmother's memory alive
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I make it a point to refer to my grandmother as often as possible
in conversations I have with my daughter
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I feel a closer connections to my two cousins
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish that my mother had been there for me more than she was.
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Sat May 26 17:33:44 2001
F42 in , Wisconsin =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 72.
--Details:
My mother fought this disease for 3 years prior to her passing and
I found that I grieved for her over this entire period. The actual
death itself was not as traumatic as the watching her die.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
leaving the human body, which causes the body to cease functioning.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
could not quite understand what it meant
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather passed away. Prior to
his death he was hopitalized and I recall waving to him from
the parking lot as we were not allowed to see him in his room.
I was more concerned with the grief my mother was enduring than
acknowleging the loss myself.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mother needing help in walking back from the gravesite and it
was the first time I had ever really seen her cry.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
in the end the most important thing for a person dying is simplicity
and kindness.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Less than a week after my mothers passing, I felt her presence as
I approached a Hallmark store. It was so strong I spoke to her as
it she was with me. Two days later I received a telephone call.
The Hallmark store called to tell me I had won a 3 ft tall stuffed
animal. I knew immediately this was a gift from my mother. I am
grateful that she was able to connect with me so strongly so I knew
she was still alive.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my sisters allowing me to cry with them at any time I needed to.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My husband not understanding the grieving process I was going
through.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was surprised to learn that my long and short term memory was
affected for quite some time after this event.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when I knew it was not possible to tell my loved one goodbye..that
I knew they would not be able to hear me say it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was the right thing to do.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my loved one how sorry I was that they had to suffer for
so long.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell my loved one I loved her. Those were my last words to them
and I know they felt my love.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my loved one took the time to ask about my children. They set
aside their pain and suffering and thought of my kids. That was
a phenomenal act of love to me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I smell her favorite flower, hear her favorite song, cook her
favorite meal, or remember a funny memory.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would not differ at all.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that we are kinder to animals by allowing them to die when they are
suffering, yet we make human beings suffer to the point of unbelief
before allowing them to die.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back to a time before the death occurred when my loved one was
still vibrant and living.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt like I had been hit by a truck.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
frustration that there are so many different protocals for treating
cancer these days. A trial here, another trial there, conflicting
information on statistics and which drug is best.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
incredible respect for the people devoting their life to the dying.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
exactly correct.
--Regarding MONEY:
there was a lot of stress surrounding the estate to be left to the
living children.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The funeral director attended the service and came to the cemetary.
He was most supportive and kind and I remember him just being there,
a complete stranger sharing this most intimate moment with me and
my family.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
a couple days before the death occured my loved one "woke
up"....literally acted like they were totally healthy, mentally
alert as if they had never been sick at all.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a sudden "waking up" or alertness. Labored breathing, mental
confusion.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I had to cry when I needed to. I had to accept my lack of memory and
making mistakes due to that confusion. I learned the value of today,
which was the most valuable lesson in life I have ever learned.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My mother would stare at a corner of the ceiling and ask what those
people were doing "up there"....she would mistakenly call one of
her own children the name of an old friend.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My infant nephew was a victim of SIDS. The evening before his death
he visited me in a dream. He was old enough to communicate to me
like an adult and he told me that it was his time to go, that one
day we would all understand why it was he had to leave. I awoke
to a ringing telephone in which I was told he had passed away.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no regrets or unresolved issues. I was very outspoken with
both my parents and they knew how much I loved them. In return,
I knew how much they loved me and there is nothing that I wish to
say or do differently since they died.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell them how sorry I was that they had to suffer. I would
tell them they are the reason I am such a fine mother today. I would
tell them that I am living each day and learning to appreciate
the small things. I would tell them their death has allowed me
to become a better person . It would not help me to deal with my
feelings any differently really to tell them these things.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My parents have visited me while I dream. My father was younger,
much more quiet that I remember him and left me knowing he was
still in the drivers seat when it came to taking care of his family,
although he meant that in a spiritul way. My mother came to me in a
dream and showed me her new house. I was not allowed to enter this
house but she was also younger, and happy, but not as animated as
I remember her.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
A living will is imperative!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be in great pain for my family. I would grieve for my
children to have to live without a mother. I would be angry that
they would be left motherless at a young age. I would know that
my life was blessed and I lived the best way I could.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have incorporated personal material things into my home. This has
made me feel a part of the person that passed.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I continue to talk to my parents in my mind daily. I believe they
hear me sometimes, but other times I still feel very alone.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no one
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I allow my siblings the opportunity to vent, scream, cry, be angry
and still love them and tell them they are going through a process
as we all are. My only wish is they realize I am not as strong as
they think I am, and sometimes I feel just as horrible as they do.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This makes me sad.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
One question I have yet to answer is will I ever experience real
joy again. I am certain there are times I will feel happy, but
this death is like a cloud hanging over my head. To remember,
makes me feel like I will forever be half the person I was before.
Maybe a question referring to exactly that....do you feel like you
are a different person since this event?
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Sat May 26 08:00:38 2001
F39 in Golden, Colorado =usa=
Name: Theresa Koenke Diaz
Email: <raynegrrrl=at=qwest.net>
Web: http://WWW.users.qwest.net/~raynegrrrl
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
mtdaily.com link to http://www.rockies.net/~spirit/grief/griefA1.html
link to this site.
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Prof/Studies: Medical Transcriptionist
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing After the Death of A Loved
One;The Courage to Grieve; and When Bad Things Happen to Good People.
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Carol Staudacher; Judy Tatelbaum; andHarold S. Kushner, respectively.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: accidental heroin overdose; Aged: 34.
--Details:
My brother was an occasional user of heroin and, according to his
boss, was doing very well at his job and "on the up and up." This
helped me to feel better about how he was doing before his death,
giving me some answers I might not otherwise have had. He died
in July 1997, and his allergies, fatigue from both working and
painting a house that day (and inhaling paint fumes), and a bout
of sinusitis made the drug suppress his respiratory system a lot
more than it might have a healthier person.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
An event which happens to everyone on this planet. It means that
the person who dies can no longer eat/walk/talk or do the things
that humans do. His/her body is still and becomes cold and after
a time will decay, and so it is prepared for burial, cremation,
or for parts to be used medically, if the person wished for the
latter after his/her death. For the humans left behind, death is
usually a time of great emotion, what we call grief, and which can
encompass many different emotions. It is common to see people cry
tears during grief and to show many other emotions as well. Death is
one of the greatest mysteries for us humans. We don't know for sure
what happens to the "soul" of a person after they die, that part
of them that caused them to be alive other than the blood pumping
and bodily parts working. This soul is also a mystery. Some humans
think and act as if they know for sure, but no one really knows and
there are many, many "beliefs" out there as to what happens to the
soul of the person.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was not affected negatively. My whole family had a big dinner and
I was told that my great-grandfather died. I was only 4. No one
seemed terribly sad even though he was much loved, maybe because
he died at an old age, and maybe because, by the time we had the
big family dinner, people had already done their crying in private?
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my great-grandfather. I was 4 years old. I'm not sure how he
died, probably of one of the usual maladies of "old age." It was
mentioned and it registered with me, and the family got together
for a big Italian meal. I don't remember going to a funeral. I loved
my great-grandpa, but noone else was upset and I didn't get upset.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being numb and things feeling surreal. Being "on automatic"
for awhile.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that those who are grieving need time to heal in whatever way is
helpful for them. If that means that they can't work and are sad,
then so be it (I was asked to run my entire office only 3 weeks
after my brother died, a task I'd never before done). Only after
the boss's father died 6 months later did she realize she hadn't
been sensitive in asking me to take this on.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my brother's death made me prioritize my life and see what
I wanted and needed more clearly, because life is so precious and
can be so short since we never know how long we're going to live.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the books I read on grief.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the physical symptoms of pain that accompanied the emotional pain,
as well as wanting to release my brother from his misery while he
was in a coma for a week before he died. Also, the sadness I felt
that he and I hadn't kept in better contact as adults.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To put aside your own agenda and focus on the needs of the dying
person. For instance, although my brother was in a coma, I sat with
him one afternoon and played music in a walkman for him and talked
to him also, letting him know that if he needed to "go", it was OK,
that he should go if he had to. Of course, I didn't want him to die,
but my feelings were set aside at that time.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realized that my needs after his death were paramount, not everyone
elses'. Also, that I reminded myself of how he would want us to
carry on and heal, not wallow endlessly in misery, which is not to be
confused with never allowing ourselves to be sad or denying feelings.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I never felt confused.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
when my mom and I laughed at the ICU one day while he was in a
coma, it was a great tension reliever. I think my brother would've
understood!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend more time with my brother and call him more often. That I
would have seen him grow old and become happier in his life. That
I might have had the opportunity to say goodbye to him while he
was conscious and not in a coma.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be at my parents for a week to visit my brother every day before
he finally died.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
In my fantasy, my brother is happier and more successful than he was
in his life, successful in terms of monetary success especially. He
is able also to be with his son more often (divorce situation)
and I am able to fly him out to visit me even if he doesn't have
enough $. He's stopped doing drugs, or at least has cut down a lot
and is physically a lot healthier. He gets to see my children and
we keep in contact often.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
reverse everything and give it a different ending, meaning that my
brother would still be alive.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
allowed myself to feel sad and cry and sleep long hours. I also
immediately started of thinking of ways in which I could help myself
through the grief process.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
trust that they did everything they could do and thankfulness for
the compassion of most of the medical personnel, with one major
exception, the details of which I won't go into here.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing whatsoever for me. It meant a great deal to my biological
father, and was ironically, totally beside the point and only
furthered his emotional distance from the situation, in my opinion.
--Religious Affiliation:
secular humanist agnostic.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a valid viewpoint. Again, it is a huge unknown, but the idea of
a linking essence or energy makes more sense to me than the separate,
petty little heavens and hells of our own imaginations.
--Regarding MONEY:
It did not for me directly, as my brother had no estate really
to speak of. All of his military benefits have gone to his son,
which is as it should be.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How contrived it felt, orchestrated as it was mostly by my father.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the surrealness of it. How I didn't feel completely with
myself. Somewhat detached and numb and exhausted physically and
mentally.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
kidney fluids in the bag if they're being catheterized. When kidney
fluids become very dark, that's a definitive sign of deterioration.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was important to acknowledge that what I was feeling at any given
moment was perfectly okay. I didn't need to put up any facades or
stiff upper lips for anyone.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I had no awareness of this but did see a psychic after his death
and that was an illuminating experience.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have found help from a grief group I went to a couple of years
after his death and from a couple of psychics. The unresolved issues
can only be resolved by my clear intent and heartfulness. I've
"talked" to my brother while holding his picture, sort of having
a conversation in private, to say I'm sorry about things I never
apologized for.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope to hear that death is okay, that they're ok, and that
they are watching over me and helping as much as they can (without
watching me 24/7, that is!)
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I've had dreams about my brother, but more ones in which he was
playing a role, not sending me a message or talking to me directly
about his death. Perhaps thisis a result of my subconcious working
out issues surrounding my relationship with my brother while he
was living. I have wanted to have visitations from him but have
never "seen" him. I felt a presence when I was with the psychic,
and I received a gift from his widow that was uncannily sentimental
and something to which she was "drawn" but about which she didn't
understand the significance. The psychic had mentioned this gift
to me, so that was very interesting. I also sometimes imagine my
brother leaving heart-shaped stones for me along my path in the
woods, which I've been collecting, or influencing or communicating
to me in ways that I don't understand. I thanked him, for instance,
for sending my husband to me. The psychic mentioned that he could
now help us (his family) more than he ever could in life.
Oh,
after the visit to the psychic, I turned on the radio in my car
and was changing stations and the song played at his burial, not
an often-heard song, Return to Innocence, by Enigma, came on. I
had to pull over. I felt that that was a sign from him.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think a living will is important so that people know about what
the dying person would want regarding life support, etc. My brother's
widow took him off of the resuscitator, and that was probably one of
the hardest things during his dying to endure, not so much because
I thought he would live with the resuscitator but because it was so
painful watching his body fight for breath in wrenching spasms at
first. I wanted to make that stop. But I understood and respected
that he wouldn't want to be in a coma as a vegetable ad infinitum. I
think that having those wishes on paper would be the best situation,
however, as no one in our family, especially my mother, protested the
removal of the resuscitator on strictly legal grounds (his wife had
the legal say), rather than seeing in print what my brother wanted.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have absolutely, as mentioned above, thought about death and
how it impacts me, and what I've learned from my brother's death
and can apply to my life now. If I knew I were going to die soon,
I know I would be very upset because I love life so much, but I
would also make a big list of all of the things that I wanted to do
here on earth before I died and try to accomplish as many things
as possible. I'm not afraid of death per se, just don't want to
hurry it along.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have created a little shrine in my private room with his
picture and some items which are sentimental and have symbolic
significance. I also made a scrapbook about him. Lastly, I collected
turtle items for about 2 years after his death (long story, the
turtle one).
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
The observations that have remained with me are how precious life
is and how my needs are very realistic and important, and not to
be so easily overruled, discounted, ignored, or subsumed by others'
wishes and needs.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Meeting my husband! And, conversely, getting rid of people who put
themselves before my brother's death and my feelings.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
What would have been most helpful is to have had people take me out
for meals or bring me food. I went back to where I was living alone,
and it seemed most everyone was still "me, me, me" and taking, not
giving.
I reached out to my mother a lot, not very much to my
father or others in my family. Similarly, most of us just seemed
to privately grieve, except for my mother and I (and stepdad too).
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I saw it as a venting experience and perhaps an opportunity to share
some insights with people also going through the grieving process,
although I'm not sure how this questionnaire will be used.
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Thu May 24 19:10:18 2001
M17 in , north carolina =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 yr. and 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: diabetes; Aged: 51.
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--Death Is:
death is a thing that is there your whole life. I certain day
and time is marked for you the second you are born and it's just
letting time tick away till your appointment and it doesn't care
who it hurts or affects.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
my grandpa at age 8
--That first time, how it happened was
my grandpa died of a tumor
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
fear. i am scared of moving on and forgetting her. I am scared of
dying alone.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
support to friends and family (but maybe that's just my family)
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I would have probably ended up quiting school if my mom was still
alive.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself. I write in a journal to my year later self and talk about
things i think about now and how i'm scared of time but in a year
i have already made it through it and it's not as scary to go
another year
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
losing memories. Going on and knowing that your doing significant
things without them and that your goign to forget them
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
try to get them to hold on. talk to them and don't leave them even
if they can't talk back.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
never, never, never take someone for granted.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i try to make sense of how this is supposed to have a meaning in
my life
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
ask if she was proud of me. tell her i love her. touch her arm and
lef. kiss her hand. feel her face. listen to her voice. make her
make funny faces. hear her laugh. ask her a question and hear her
answer. take her place. introduce her to everyone i know....
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see her after she died.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
everyday. i think about her all the time and sometimes just want
to stop time.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Well...if i knew about what it was like going without her i would
spend every waking moment watching her move and do anything and
everything. I would not leave her sight for the rest of my life
and nothing else would matter to me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my mom had to die why i was still so young and i needed her
so badly
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back in time to a moment where i had her and just let her hold me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
got so scared because i realized how long forever was. I knew i
was never going to see them again
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my dad and what an asshole he is.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the non reality of it.( at least then)
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
anger and fear played a big part and you need to talk to someone
about these things
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
anyway you grieve is the right way.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
before she died she squeezed my hand so tight and later after she
died she told me in a dream that, that was how much she loved me.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
just tell her i love her. and expand on it on why and how much and
what she means to me. Because we had a argument a week before she
died and it was a normal thing to argue but now she's gone!
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
is she proud of me?
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i see her sometimes in a dream or sometimes in my hallway but she
never talks when she is in reality.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i know that it is something to talk over with a close friend if
there are certain things that you want.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i fear it. My mom's death made me realize that im not immortal.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
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Thu May 24 14:59:55 2001
F19 in coquitlam, BC =Canada=
Name: michelle
Email: <pornogrrl=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: studying stagecraft
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: drug overdose; Aged: 17.
--Details:
After being clean for almost a month (the longest he'd been clean
for since he was 14) Lucas decided to give it one last go. He kept
doing more and more because morphine had killed the receptors in
his body that got him high, until he slipped into a coma and died.
This was 2 weeks before his 18th birthday. We'd been together for
4 years and he was the only boyfriend I'd ever had, and my best
friend - so i was pretty devastated.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when you stop living.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
freaked.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...
Somebody in my brother's Gr. 1 class died
from cancer (I was in Kindergarten) I didn't know the kid, but
I didn't know anything about death, I didn't think that children
could die. I stayed home for a week and cried.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everybody leaving me alone to deal by myself.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is not bad.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my friends payed for the drug binge that i had to go on to deal
with it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Crystal meth
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Losing someone who was such a part of my soul and knowing i could
never hear his voice or spend time with him ever ever again,
and knowing that there were a million things that he would never
experience.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Make sure they know how much you love them
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
made artwork and poetry dedicated to him and put it up al togethr
in my room and on my skin so people could see.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The stage of disbeleif i went through between the actual death and
the funeral when I beleived that there was some kind of mix up or
someone was lying and he wasn't actually dead.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Someone told me a stupid story about something i did when i was
drunk once and i just laughed it up cause i needed to.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him how much he meant to me
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend tthe time i did with him and make such an impact in his life
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Lucas' dad was carrying a bass guitr into the funeral and i realized
he must have bougth it for lucas' birthday but now lucas was dead
and his dad was crying. His dad used to beat him and say "your
not my son" and drink and drink and drink but i caught this one
one moment when i knew he really cared.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The funeral. The biggest useless loaad of crap i ever had to
sit through
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
When I think of how young he was he'll always be 17. It'll always
be 1999 for him there are so many things that i've been through
without him, which I never imagined cause i grew up with him,
and now i have to keep growing up without him
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We were gonna get married when i finished high school. I would
be married right now at 19. I woulda never been a slut, i woulda
also never got to travel to some of the places i have. I'd probly
already have a kid. I'd probly be on smack
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was too young. That shouldn't be allowed.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die so i could be with him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
withdrew from reality for a while
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disrespect.
If they hadn't given him morphine, he'd still be alive
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
shit
--Regarding MONEY:
The family was so concerned about money. The funeral cost more than
his life insurance was worth, his mom was about to lose her job,
and he owed a lot of people money because of hiis involvment with
drugs.
his mom still wanted to pay me back the money he owed me -
but i never let her
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i hated it. It meant nothing. Some dude with a greasy bad combover
talked bullshit about god and there was no one there
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how calm i stayed through the whole thing
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My friend died twice from drinking GHB
he just gave the 'ol tunnel
with the white light at the end story
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Basically he always made it clear to me and everyone just how much
he loved me but i was very quiet and i wish i could have let him
know
I never pray. but sometimes i pray about this
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
If we had one more conversation i think it would have been really
beautiful to just banter on one more time about music and gossip and
all that crap that we always talked about.
but id say " i love you"
and id say it first
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm very comfortable with death. I've had an action packed life
and I've got my honey waithing for me on the other side. The onlt
thing that scares me about dying is that my friends and family will
be so devastated. I'd hate for them to be in that state
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I made a candle for lucas and when i think of him i light it and
medetate over it
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
a friendship with drugs?
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It actually let me get out some things that i never could tell
people, cause everybody i know thinks i'm made of steel. i got to
say stuff i never got to say before.
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Wed May 23 21:16:11 2001
F48 in Orlando , FL ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Elementary teacher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 14 months ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 60.
--Details:
2 years after by-pass surgery, yet totally unexpected
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
it is an end to life on a 4-dimensional plane. there is a change
in status from being here in a corporeal sense to an ethereal sense.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
understood the person I loved was gone from me but I will sense
that person again somewhere, some time...
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...grandmother had a heart attack
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not really affeting me as much as it caused an earth-shattering
loss for my dad and I couldn't help him.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
organized religion needs to get a grip
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My friend Jane died of cancer shortly after we graduated from
college. She was released from pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Support from family - when the family comes together, grief can be
dealt with and life continues
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing I didn't say I love you - that whatever I still needed to
communicate, it was too late.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I told Jane she would be ok; I knew I was lying and she knew I
was lying. I wish I could have done better for my friend. I know
now that just sitting by her bed would have helped far more than
saying those empty words.
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Know to live everyday fully, vocalize my thoughts and feelings
toward my loved ones because tomorrow might be too late. Love and
be loved by family, stay close to cope.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
How can one so alive and so valuable to others simply be gone?
That being, with such special ability to love others, have such
empathy, care, and compassion, is no longer here with me. Why do
the good ones have to go and the evil survive to hurt another day
after day? Life isn't fair. Yes the body fails, but the spirit?
Where does it go?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
didn't happen
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell Jane I understand
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk with my uncle two days before he died, hear him talking in
the background only hours before he died.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
seeing the sheer number of people who responded during the death
of my uncle, and hoping (now actively working on) that when I die
I will have touched the lives of so many in such a postive way.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
????
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember Christmas, because he was Santa Claus. Not just in
physical appearance, but in daily life, in July, giving toys to kids,
etc. My uncle was a true spirit of Christmas and I miss this.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My uncle surrounded himself with the people he loved - great
groups of people, diverse and yet same in that he loved them all.
My aunt would still have her husband of 37 years - that marriage
they said would never work - and she would not be living alone,
having to cope with daily chores. I feel sorry for her. She's had
to re-learn so much in the last year. And it's been hard. None of
us would have had to learn new lessons.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my ex-husband can continue to live his despicable life,
hurting others, and good people die young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
reverse time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
understood life a little more.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they weren't very effective
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I do not believe organized religion is useful. For my uncle, Church
of LDS answered many questions for him. It was easier, I suppose,
to allow that church to take over during that difficult time.
I did feel better after the service. And I didn't expect that.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist - hellfire and brimstone
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
just right
--Regarding MONEY:
Social Security pays a very small death benefit, it is almost
laughable.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
A celebration of life, his life. And being glad we had known him.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
letting go, knowing it's over and trying to believe it's not real.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
??????
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
As badly as I hate to admit, the church service did provide a
measure of relief.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
He was afraid of ghosts, and believed completely in the phenomena.
I don't know if he experienced any of this. I hope he did.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have not and hope it will at some point. Discussing this idea one
night in the back seat of the car on a long trip, her husband turned
from the front seat, to tell that he had had such an exerience.
He could see his former wife standing beside his body while he
suffered a heart attack. He saw the EMT's coming into the room
and he stood across the room watching, as if he were watching tv.
He reported not being afraid to die because he now understood it
would be a progression to another plane, not the final end of his
"soul" for no better choice of words.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
We visited a medium at Casadega Florida. An incredible day when
we were told many things about his life, death, etc. that were
unknown to us and yet other people proved it to be true. There were
things that he wanted found and they were found. (Unfortunately,
no unclaimed Lottery tickets!) He would have thought this funny!
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I haven't but my aunt did. See above.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My aunt told us one morning that she had had a visitor the night
before. She said my uncle had just walked in the bedroom door, and
they had talked all night and he helped her understand the things she
would have to take care of in the course of daily life. She asked
him if he would come again, and he didn't answer. That was the only
question that night he didn't answer. This was very vivid for her.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Organ donation, a burial plot, etc. is not necessary, spread my
ashed to the wind....
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I really didn't feel that my life was so terrific before, but after
experiencing this time in my life, I would like to think that
my life has touched others and I would be remembered as he was.
Death doesn't seem to offer much fear as before, I just want my
life to have meant something to others.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Crying - especially during holidays and with other family members,
eventually coming to the point of laughter when someone starts
telling some of those private little stories of his life.
That helps. Remembering him.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Remember how he never met a stranger. Speak to people, you never
know who will be your next friend.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Not people - but situations. My aunt and uncle had always rented a
house, but just days before he died, had told her she could look for
another house, perhaps one to buy. About 2 months after his death,
she found a listing in the newspaper for a house, called the owner
and left a message. Her message was the ONLY one he responded to,
showed her the house and gave her the key to come back and look at
later with her sons, (would you do that?) The house was bought lock,
stock, and barrel in one week, even the closing. The address was
1400 Snowden, my uncle's birthday was the 14th and his password on
the computer, etc. always contained the word "snow". Altogether, it
was almost ethereal, if a house purchase could be classified as such.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just being there to hold another person and let them cry is so
important. There need not be words.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I believe putting into words these feelings has helped. I didn't
know the questions - you did. Maybe (here's the teacher in me...) a
workbook/journal with questions like these would help others. I wish
I had answered these a year ago. I might have healed faster. Thanks
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Wed May 23 17:04:33 2001
F18 in , MI =USA=
Name: jackie
Email: <jackie_72=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
just found it when looking at different tests
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 ago.
Cause of Death: blood clots in the lungs; Aged: 41.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
For us humans, Death is something that is hard to deal with. It's
like losing a best friend and you never fully recover from it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I cried and was very upset
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened my dad died due to a blood clot in his lungs
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Everyone being so sad and couldn't believe it happened
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It hard to deal with and it's going to happen to all of us sooner
or later
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my family and relatives were always there throughout the whole thing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
support from family, relatives, and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Realizing i would never be able to see or hear them again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
It makes the person feel better and it makes you feel better
knowing you cared and were there with that person.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
View life as such a great thing than i ever did before. It makes you
realize how important life is and you only have one life to live,
so live it to its fullest.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why they can't be saved
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was just part of it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get closer to my dad0
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with my family and friends during it all.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
all the family and friends were there throughout it all.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
being responsible for it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
remember all the memories we've shared.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would have a dad first of all, and i think my family would be
more happy and do more things together.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my dad had to die.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see my dad again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
realized how important your family reallyy is to you.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They were there for us through thick and thin.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
the same
--Regarding MONEY:
people donated money
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people out there trully cared about my family and me
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
talking about the death
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
nothing really, death can be sudden and unexpected like it was
for me.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
talk to friends and family about it.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
how much we loved each other.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
always being with my family.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
It's drawn me closer to my family and relatives.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
People always being there
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
It was my dad
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it helped me contemplate my situation.
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Tue May 22 12:39:19 2001
F15 in Farmingotn, Missouri =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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More personal info:
I plan on majoring in psychology in colloge
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 75.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the lose of a loss one and realization that you'll never se them
again
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and cried and even stil cry if i think about it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... It was My grandpa, he died of cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my grandma kissing him in his casket and me holding her as we
both cried
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it happens to everyone
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i realized that not everyone lives for ever, not even family
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
music, and myself
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
accepting the fact that i lost my grandpa
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
treat them normal, they dont want your pitty
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
grew up and matured
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i realized he wasn't there anymore and i couldn't just go to his
house and i missed out on all the times to tell him i loved him
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
death is no laughing matter
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him i love him more
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see him alot when i was little, even though i was a brat
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i seen him in the casket. it was the first funeral i was at
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
who was gonna get the flowers
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think abotu dieig and i think i might not make heaven
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be able to see my grandpa happy and laughing at christmas
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
how could god do this to me!!>??
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go to sleep and wake up to see my grandpa again
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried. I didn't understand how god could do this to me
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
every kind of personin the world, appriciate them all
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
i never went to the hospital except the week or two before he died
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
time to ask god why
--Religious Affiliation:
go t ochurch every sunday and wednesday
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
sad. i feel i wish i could get in touch with my papa and ask him
about whereever he is
--Regarding MONEY:
i didn't get anythign that i know of
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there were alot of friends that were supportive and loveing
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
accepting the loss
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
deteriation of the person, the loss of ability to move around or
caring in the person
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it took awhile, and i'm still not fully over it
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i knew he was gonna die soon, i just didn't want to admit it
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nope
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i feel he knows i loved him, i miss him
i want him to know i'm
sorry for acting up when i was little
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
nope
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
nope
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
you should live your life to the fullest
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
if i knew i was gonna die soon, id definetly make sure i was in
good terms with god and repent of everything
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i talked to him for awhile by myself
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
nope
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
nope
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
passage of time too
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i stayed by myself
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yeah, i need to go pepent because we never know when we're gone
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Mon May 21 15:05:25 2001
F47 in Montreal, Quebec =Canada=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Final Gifts, Understanding the Special Awareness, needs and
communications of the dying.
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 16 months ago.
Cause of Death: still awaiting autopsy report; Aged: 78.
--Details:
There was a lot of anger after his death because although he went
through successful heart bypass surgery, it was the complications
after that operation (which I blame the hospital for) that killed
him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the physical body of a human being ceases to function
completely. With time the body decomposes and returns to earth.
What happens to the soul, spirit or thoughts of that person nobody
knows for sure. The same process more or less happens to animals,
plants, continents, and the elements. We all come from somewhere
and return to its source eventually.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I didn't know what to expect. It would have helped if someone
would have told me what would happen (what the customs were and
what they meant). Instead I just followed others and observed
without understanding why things were done.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was the death of an uncle and although I knew him well, we
weren't close so the impact of his death was minimal, not at all
like the death of my own mom and dad.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that death is always a surprise. Although I knew it was coming and
if it didn't happen this time, it would happen eventually, still I
prefered to pretend that we had more time together. Call it denial,
call it wishful thinking, but I always thought the end was further
away than it was.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to shy away from talking about the dead or about what happens at
the time of death. It is the most natural of things. If somebody
feels the need to talk about it, just listen to them. It will help
them enormously.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It brought my brothers and myself closer since both our parents
are dead now.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
It helped enormously that people paid their respects and attended
the funeral. When somebody important to you dies, you'd like to
know that they meant something to other people also. That they
mattered and contributed to the world in their own way.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Feeling like much of the decisions and responsibilities rested on
my shoulders, whether it was during the illness of my parents or
afterwards for funeral arrangements. I felt like others could
have helped. I was already so exhausted from dealing with the
sickness prior to my parents' deaths.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listen to them carefully. Don't assume that they are hallucinating
or talking nonsense due to the medication. The dying ask for things
that we can do for them to help them leave this earth more easily
or be more at peace.
--[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I tried to do it all. I tried to work full time and care for
sick parents. Don't even try. Take a leave of absence from work.
This is precious time that you will never have again with them.
Dedicate and share one of the most important times of your life
to being there for your parents, like they were there for you when
you were a baby.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
First, I thought the disease would go on forever, but it doesn't,
people die and its generally when you've almost completely given
up and are at your worst, so keep your cool so you can be proud of
your strength and courage afterwards.
Second, the hospital staff
must have known when death was near for both my parents but they
failed to tell us and we weren't there for our parents when they
passed away. That still bugs me that they died alone.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be at my parents bedside when they died. Written down more of
the stories they told me about their childhoods and their lives
in general. Memories drift off as I get older.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Two months after my mom died, I learned that I was pregnant.
This kept me busy and my mind off the loss of my mom. I am sorry
that my son never got to meet his grandma, but I am grateful that
I had him to comfort me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I did little things for my sick parents when they were too ill to
do it for themselves and all of those little things made me feel
good that I could return some of the kindness that they had given
me during my life.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Thirteen years after my mom died, I still miss her and miss hearing
her voice, her laugh, hearing her opinions on things, going out
together, and having her care for me. Nobody did it like she did.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
You can't rewrite history. I probably wouldn't have acted any
other way. I am who I am.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That people who had such hard lives, had to have such difficult
deaths. You'd think that if you suffered and worked hard your
entire life that God would at least reward you with a quick and
painless death. Think again.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Cross over myself. Not in a morbid way, its just that I don't get
what all the fuss is about on this side. I'm looking forward to
seeing what's on the other side.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I realized that life has its own agenda and schedule and things
happen when they want to, not when I want them to. The sooner one
accepts that life is temporary here on earth and we have no control
the better off we are. We do the best we can with the time we have,
and that's okay.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Disappointment and anger.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
less than impressive.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Again, disappointment.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I am just beginning to understand that there is a common link
of Spirits. Many roads lead to the same destination. I believe
the same is true of religions. We are all one, but we don't get
it here on earth.
--Regarding MONEY:
It wasn't a problem. Mom and dad had prepared and put money aside
for their burial. Money was never a problem among the children.
We would never let something like that interfere with our family
unity. We would rather burn the stuff.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The professionals were very helpful, no complaints there. But it
was sad that there were few people at my father's funeral. But all
of his contemporaries are old and sick themselves and couldn't or
wouldn't attend. It is always sad to see a generation die out.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Picking out clothes to bury my mom in.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Blueish tint to the skin (lack of oxygen) within the last 24 hours
of life. In case of multiple organ failure, swelling of the body,
means only a dozen hours or less before death occurs.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Grief is not so bad. We grieve because the dead mattered to us
so much. If you don't grieve, it's because that person didn't mean
a lot to you.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Unfortunately, none.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have made my peace pretty much with my parents. They did the
best they could, I don't blame them for anything. Being a parent
and far from perfect myself, I understand them better.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just like to know that both of them are okay. That they
are somewhere, comfortable and in good company and that I will join
them someday. It would help if we could know for sure that we will
all be with each other again.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
In the month's that followed mother's death I had three dreams
about her. The first two were simply dreams where the general
message was that she was still around me. The third and final one
was a message where she told me she was leaving now, going back
to the village where her family came from, that she was retiring.
That was so cool. I was happy that she was going somewhere to be
with her family and to rest. She earned it. It helped me accept
her death.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It is necessary to put things down in writing so that our wishes
will be carried out when we can no longer speak for ourselves.
People should be able to ask for a painless way to die when death
is close and suffering unbearable.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be sad to leave my son behind and would do everything to
help him understand that I do not fear death myself and am happy
to go on to the next world or experience. I try to speak to him
about that now.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Taking care of burial plot. Keeping it neat and planting flowers.
It's the last thing that I can do for my parents. I am happy to
do it.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I simply feel my own mortality much more now that both my parents
are gone. It's not a bad thing. I think more about what matters
to me and what I want to do before I die. Don't want to postpone
them any longer.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
The way that my own parents dealth with it gave me the cue to follow.
They were sad but did not fall apart. They cried and expressed
their sadness, but there was no emotional outbursts and death was
treated as if it was just a normal part of life and that helped me
to accept that it was just that.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
People's reluctance to speak about the departed. I always found
it comforting personally.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I didn't know anybody to reach out to for help and nobody came to me.
I suppose there should be some support that automatically comes
within reach at a time like that.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I know how I feel about death. It is a subject that I think about
often. It doesn't scare me and the questionnaire didn't make me
think about anything I hadn't already thought about.
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Sat May 19 23:38:25 2001
F24 in Monrovia, CA =USA=
Name: Julia
Email: <juliegrrl76=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 24.
--Details:
he became schizophrenic at age 21 and finally hung himself as
a result.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
inevitable. When you die, you end. You no longer exist except in
the memories of your friends and family.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cracked jokes.
--That first time, how it happened was
my grandfather who I saw weekly died when i was 6
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the overwhelming sadness knowing that I am the only person who ever
truly knew him as an adult and saw his feelings
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it can be a good thing for the person who dies. sometimes life
isn't worth living.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it made me appreciate the time I had with Brian.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my memories of Brian. I didn't have much support when he died. But
that lack of support was a lot of what we had in common in life so
it was strangely fitting and somewhat supportive.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing how much pain he must have been in to have finally killed
himself.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is how i deal with life and death. Most of my friends
could appreciate that about me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see him and spend time with him before he died. We hadn't seen each
other in many years, only spoke on the phone every week.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i saw that his unmarked grave was sunk in lower than the others. It
was so sad to me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
his family. they will cherish the memories of him as a child i'm
sure. But they really can't mourn for him. they never knew him as
an adult.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i'm not over it
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
now i don't have him anymore...and lots of other selfish thoughts
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be dead too
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
exmormon, currently atheist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
somewhat alien. I don't feel like many ppl can understand how i
feel. That may be part of the whole grief thing though
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I dream of you
my love, long ago
the way you tweaked my nose
and said my name
how you understood why I couldn't go home
you
couldn't go home either
i dream of us
our love
vibrant
painful
enduring
how we hurt each other
hurt ourselves
how
we comforted each other
the hurt between us was so much less than
the pain around us
the pain we were hiding from
the dreams
wont stop
just like when we were young
i'd dream of you until
you came to me
i dream of you now
i see your eyes, your smile
i feel the warmth of your hand on my back
hear you tell me you
love me
i reach out and run my hand through your hair
i open
my eyes
my hand full of grass
feeling the radiance of the sun
on my back
as i lie on your sunken unmarked grave
longing for
one more day with you
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I smell my ex's cologne often when I least expect it. I'm certain
it is more the power of my mind but it still feels comforting like
it could be him.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I go to the park where we used to play basketball and sit alone
on the court around 7 in the morning on Sundays, no one there that
early on a sunday.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
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Wed May 16 16:34:28 2001
F19 in Paso Robles, California =San Luis Obispo=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
I stumbled upon this site by accident.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a rodeo accident; Aged: 16.
--Details:
She was bucked off her horse and kicked in the head while
rodeoing. Her family kept her on life support several days untill
it was hopeless.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
our spirit leaving our body to find another vessel
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was saddened and came to the realization everything dies, life is
unfair and i, too, am mortal
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... a friend from school shot and killed
himself because he thought it was hopeless. The whole school was
devastated. I was 13 and knew him pretty well.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Wondering how life could be so unfair to take the life of a young
girl with so much promise, thereby affecting the lives of everyone
that knew and loved her.
--What I think my (San Luis Obispo) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not glorifying to cause the deaths of others.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It has taught me that life truly is a precious thing that shouldn't
be wasted. There isn,t enough time to sit idly by while life
passes you by. Taking anything for granted is not living life to
the fullest, but contentment is essential. Dreaming is okay, But
wanting for that which is imppossible is a waste of time.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My good freinds who could be counted upon for support when needed,
or able to provide a quiet comfort.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Coming to the realization they were gone, I'll never have another
chanceto tell them how I feel.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I tried to figure out why someone would take their own life.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Remembering the good times was to strong an impulse to ignore. A
celebration of the life of the deceased is as important as anything.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more quality time with those I knew that are now gone.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Attend the funerals I was able to. Closure played a big part in
my acceptance
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Sometimes I hear the song that was sung by a friend at a funeral
service and tears come to my eyes.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
They're gone so soon, I dindn't have enough time with them.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Remember more of the good times or just have a good cry.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Life is taking a chance. Medicine can't do everything, or sometimes
anything.
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The overwhelming sadness in the air.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I put aside all negative issues. threr is no need to dwell on
anything but positive things for me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want to have a happy light conversation to ensure at least
one good time to look back on.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I prefer not to think about it. I am well aware of my mortality
and that is enough for me right now.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Several close friends and myself get together and tell funny or
intresting stories of the person we lost. This leaves us with the
feeling they haven't left us at all.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I am now good friends with the former gilfriend of someone I know
that commited suicide. We are able to talk to each other as we
could'nt with his family.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? The Funeral
I grieve quickly, usually quietly. I don't dwell on it, I find that
doesn't help.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I know a great counsellor who helped me through my grief.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think the questions were insightful. They made me rethink some
of my view on death, but also caused some pleasant memories long
forgotten to arise.
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Tue May 15 18:16:44 2001
F24 in CLEVER, MISSOURI =USA=
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Prof/Studies: HOMEMAKER
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: CAR ACCIDENT; Aged: 16YRS.
--Details:
HE WAS 1OF2 CHILDREN AND ONLY 17MO. YOUNGER THAN ME.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A GREAT LOSS. IT WILL EITHER BRING YOUR FAMILY TOGETHER OR RIP
THEM APART.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
CRIED OFCOURSE MY HEART WAS BROKEN
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...MY GRANDMOTHER DIED WHEN I WAS ABOUT 8 OF
KIDNEY FAILER. IT WAS HARD BUT I THINK IN SOME SAD WAY IT PREPARED
ME FOR MY BROTHER'S DEATH WHEN I WAS 18.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
PAIN AND GUILT, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW IS THAT TIME DULLS
THE PAIN.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
THE FAMILY DOSEN'T DESERVE TO BE AVOIDED BECAUSE THEY LOST A FAMILY
MEMBER. THEY UNDERSTAND YOU DON'T ALWAYS NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE
ONE THEY LOST.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
THE CLOSENESS TO MY CHILDREN.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
THE LOSS OF MY BEST FRIEND AND MY ONLY SIBLING.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
LEARNED TO VALUE EVERY MEMORY OF OUR CHILDHOODS.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
THE FIRST 3 YRS. I WAS SEVERLY DEPPRESED
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
TIME IS THE ONLY THING THAT SEEMES TO MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
WEATHER OR NOT YOU ARE DIRECTLY INVOLVED OR NOT YOU STILL SEEM TO
CARRY THE GUILT.
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Sun May 13 20:20:38 2001
M31 in Nylstroom, =South Africa=
Name: Wimpi Burger
Email: <wimpi=at=vangani.co.za>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Pastor, studying Psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 0 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 25.
--Details:
I was the pastor that had to comfort the family and friends that
stayed at his bed until his death 3 days later. His wife is pregnant
with their first child.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
what happens to us when we leave our bodily and earthly existance
for and eternal spritual existance
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was afraid of the unknown.
--That first time, how it happened was
As a child I was at the funeral of a step-grandmother
--What I think my (South Africa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
The comfort God provides for the mourning.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the unusual hope that Christian mourners shows most of the time.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The Bible and religious books on death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the thought of the final goodby and not being able to inetract
anymore.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
the physical contact e.g. holding the persons hand.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to stay calm and not get to emosional, for the sake of
his pregnant wife.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I don't understand that feeling.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be a better friend that is interested what he did or a better
listener.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say goodby.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I feel emosional or tired at the time.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I miss the time we where together and long for that moments, but
I know we will one day be praising God together in heaven.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
is the first thought that comes to mind, but we must all die at
some time and trust God with that time.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see him holding his baby.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wanted to prepare myself for my death.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Gratitude for their efforts and simpathy
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Positive, releaving pain.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
people creating safe and comforting atmosphere to die.
--Religious Affiliation:
Pastor of a church
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
a bit to wide. I'd like to stick to what God teach us in the Bible
about the subject.
--Regarding MONEY:
the funeral costs and his debts was a difficult thing for my friends
widiow to cope with.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people wanted to pay respect and I think in the future it
will mean a lot for the widow.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
to listen when the medical staff tell you it is time to say goodby.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it is important to know it and comforting to know that your thoughts
are normal.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I had no such experience
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I often hear that someone knows or had a feeling that they would die
short before their death. At become clear in certain preparations
they made.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My wife dream about her grandfather that died when she was young
everytime something upset her very much or someone cose to her dies.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It can get out of hand. I think if people are able to talk to each
other it would make things easier afterwards.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Yes it causes me to about it and I think I am ready for it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Reading fimiliar Scriptures.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Cherish the good memories
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I think is good to visit or call a friend that griefs a few weeks
after the funeral and on difficult times of the year, e.g. the
first Christmas, birthday and day of death.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It is good to talk about it.
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Thu May 10 15:25:12 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 30+ ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my uncle was hit by a falling tree and was
instantly killed.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Thu May 10 09:10:56 2001
F39 in Brandon, Manitoba =Canada=
Name: Jacki
Email: <radio01=at=mb.sympatico.ca>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: copywriter
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
More personal info:
I am the youngest child of 6, have 2 grown children of my own and
miss my mom more than anything. this has been the hardest time of
my life.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 68.
--Details:
As I said earlier, she wasn't well for sometime and i distinctly
recall her telling me she did not, not matter what want to die.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like the end of a portion of my own life, to me at this stage it
seems like a closed chapter. Death to me was like a personal attack
on my emotions.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was and still am an emotional disaster.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mother had been sick for sometime, however,
being the optomist I am I never for a moment thought I would lose
her. It is still so new I can hardly believe it has happened.
Even to the last hours I was still questioning my siblings,
"is mom going to die"?
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
seeing my mom's body in a coffin
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
let people grieve on their own terms. Do not tell them they are
dwelling on it, all need to recover in their own time.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
becoming closer to a sibling
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the realization I would never see my mother again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
talk to them, even though they may seem to be a state of
non
comprehension, who knows, perhaps they do hear.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
grieve
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
awakening from a morphine induced coma and appearing well and
"with it"
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was good to laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
visit my mom more often and forgive her for being angry due to
being in constant pain,.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk with a chaplin
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my dad called us to say goodbye following death, I felt
relieved...still very saddened but relieved.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i read sympathy cards sent, or read a gardening journal my mother
kept.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be a best friend to the person who meant more to me than
life itself.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
the fact she didn't want to die, was afriad.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
cry out loud
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
still find it a grim reality
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
thankfulness. The medical staff was compassionate, caring and
professional.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the hospital chaplan
--Religious Affiliation:
united
--Regarding MONEY:
my dad has requested we all chip in for the funeral, I know for a
fact my mom had enough money, however he says not, I am angry.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was a morbid, pain causing event
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the state of the body after death
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
lowered pulse, more labored breathing
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i am still grieving
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i have no knowledge of this
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
the guilt issues remains. I did not spend a lot of time with my
mom the past 6 months of her life. The reason for me being it was
too hard to listen to her complain and be miserable
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope to tell my mother how very greatful i was of her
kindness and attention the past 39 years, i would tell her that i
sincerely feel she did the best job raising 6 kids as she possibly
could with the resources she had. I would tell her that I feel
sorry of the life t\she had to lead as a child and tell her how
lucky I felt she made a better life for us.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i dreamed only recently (two days ago) that i spoke with my mother
on the phone to arrange a meal for Father's DAy, she told me,
only bring potato salad, he will be upset if yo bring too much.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
funeral arrangements should be made in advance, having not done this
preparation leaves the door open to hurt feelings, what I mean is
with siblings away from town, one will coment on how they didn't have
any say. And why did we do this or why did we do that, etc.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am truly saddened at the prospect of dying. Watching my mother
die i honestly can say yes i am afriad.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
keeping a journal
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
more like a rekindling of an old relationship
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Books & Films
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
for my husband to accompany me to the viewing. It seemed he couldn't
deal with the grief himself and wanted nothing to do with my grief.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think all experience such as this will help heal the terrible
pain i feel and perhaps I can draw better conclusion as to why i
feel like I do
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Wed May 9 14:19:27 2001
F48 in Toronto, Ont. =Canada=
Name: Linda
Email: <lindaflicker=at=netscape.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
no
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: bowel cancer; Aged: 66.
--Details:
was my natural father, not my "Dad". Not a very nice man...his
spouse would not go to the hospital.. he had noone so, I ended up
his caregiver, when I did not want to be.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of being of the physical entity known as "man"
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was about 10 or so, and felt bad for mom, but not for me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandfather died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the look of him dead...eyes open..mouth wide open...like he was
screaming out in agony
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is preventable and should never be wished for.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
if a person is in horrible pain, and suffering immensely, they
should be permitted to end life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my spouse and the unerring support provided.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
trying to understand how to grieve for someone I did not like.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
have never been in the room when a person died.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was torn between emotional/moral/ethical sense of doing the right
thing, and wanting to just walk away.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
you know they are dying, yet watch them fight for that last breath,
in defiance.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
love and hate, laughter and tears..are all closely related. Some use
humour as a defense mechanism, and there is just something about a
situation in which laughter is completely inappropriate that makes
it more appealing.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have really told him how I felt
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get him into palliative care quickly, so he would have proper nursing
care...as opposed to wife asking him if he wanted a cigarette.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people looking at a memory board, pictures and reminiscing to bring
their grief to the fore.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that the body itself was not there
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see suffering. My mother is dying now, and i cry just to look at
her and what she is becoming. The vitality of one so treasured by
me, now lost.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would not want to envision a revival of things best left as
they are.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he gets to think he is absolved because he says so.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scream.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
had a good cry.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
it was terminal from the beginning. The medical community tried
to keep him alive, he wanted to die. Noone listens.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
none involved.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
anglican
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
foreign. Dead is dead.
--Regarding MONEY:
He died and with very little, but it still took a year or more to
sort out his estate.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
His wife sat at the back and would not come up and sit with
the family. Of course, she hated him, and wanted pity from his
"buddies". None of that came to her.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Watching him wake suddenly...and tell me he was in imminent danger
and for me to let go of his hand...or I would be in danger too.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
fever, heartrate, vomiting, demand for more for pain.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
always remember you have to keep going...just because they die,
does not mean you did too..always keep moving forward.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have no personal knowledge of this, except for the odd story
told in a hearsay fashion. However, we are a suggestible people,
and if we want to visit with the dead, then we will. We just need
to remember that the person is just that..dead, and not able to
tell the living they are anything other than wonderful. A person
who has a deceased spouse telling them they were a rotten person,
should get help right away.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
this has been discussed at length. I believe we are made of matter,
and as such have electrical circuitry through our bodies to send
and receive commands from the brain. I just think that when we
are dying, we start to shut down, our systems cease one at a time,
and that is the "bright light" etc.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I see a counsellor to assist me with the inability to grieve for
someone I disliked. I talk about it with friends and spouse as well.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
No. If I did I would have been to group therapy quickly.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
has never happened to me. Happened to my sister though. It stopped
I think once she "put away" her anger toward her dad.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Whatever they want (legal) they should have. I think we are sily
to agree to euthanasia for our pets, and not loved ones. I agree
with assisted suicide, and the withdrawal of equipment to keep
someone physically alive. I had no say in the start of my life,
I would like a say in the ending of it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I will die when I am supposed to. I will likely die of a genetic
anomaly. I just cannot decide where to go when I am to be buried.
But when that occurs, I will no longer care.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
The first time I go golfing every year I ask for intervention...but
in good humour, not seriously.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Nothing comes to mind in particular. I did decide to revamp my
career, and at 48 it was a major decision. I am glad now that I
did so, and I think in some small way his death promted it.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No. I did not want to be there in the first place. I certainly
was not going to find friends there.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
i was too young to comprehend the totality of it all.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
i have never felt hindered in dealing with death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have spoken to several people about the death of a loved one..or
a pet. I just listened mostly, and let them cry.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I did not feel expunged of my emotional turmoil that sometimes
comes to the fore.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Was your first emotion anger, relief, guilt etc. and why?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May 8 20:18:04 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Hospice ]
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Ram Dass
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...when my 36 yr old sister was diagnosed with
breast cancer, I was 39. She died two years later after a long
terrible three month decline.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
My beliefs in reincarnation and understanding about the space
between lives.
I don't think I was hindered. Grief proceeded pretty much as
it should.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May 8 14:19:46 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
who dies, spinning straw into gold, and other books about death
and dying (same author) or about illness (metaphor as illness)
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
stephen levine and other writers(susan sontag:metaphor as illness
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, yrs1/2 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 71.
--Details:
he chose to struggle with experimental programs:I think his struggle
allowed his family eventually to let him go, given the suffering and
debilitation; and he knew when he could tell them it was time. He got
them ready for what they could not have faced if he had not chosen
to struggle. In the end, he made it easier for them by choosing to
suffer until he knew he couldn't endure any more and he was sure
neither could they.I didn't at all see him struggling to avoid
death. I saw him trying to get his family to accept,even welcome,
his death.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
different things to different people. For some, it is a loss. For
others, the end of life. For others, nothingness. For some, movement
to another dimension. For some, a natural part of the life/death
cycle. Consequently, people experience it differently--- emotionally.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in awe of its suddenness and permenance
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...neighbor,an accident where a teenage son of
neighbor was killed. I did what I could to run errands for the woman
and other things she was not handling because of a severe depression
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my gratitude in his letting go;my hope his family could be as
courageous as he was
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is an inevitably that happens every day and, therefore, we should
be grateful for having loved ones for however short a period and
we should not waste time carrying grudges and hate in our hearts.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my father's and my brother's own deaths came without suffering and
while they were still seemingly healthy and enjoying life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I was.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the depression and suffering of others
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
na
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
the death of my younger brother shocked me, but I focused on helping
my sister deal with it, emphasizing to her that like the athlete
in Auden's "To An Athlete dying Young," he had died at a time in
his life when all was going so well for him.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May 8 14:19:42 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
who dies, spinning straw into gold, and other books about death
and dying (same author) or about illness (metaphor as illness)
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
stephen levine and other writers(susan sontag:metaphor as illness
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, yrs1/2 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 71.
--Details:
he chose to struggle with experimental programs:I think his struggle
allowed his family eventually to let him go, given the suffering and
debilitation; and he knew when he could tell them it was time. He got
them ready for what they could not have faced if he had not chosen
to struggle. In the end, he made it easier for them by choosing to
suffer until he knew he couldn't endure any more and he was sure
neither could they.I didn't at all see him struggling to avoid
death. I saw him trying to get his family to accept,even welcome,
his death.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
different things to different people. For some, it is a loss. For
others, the end of life. For others, nothingness. For some, movement
to another dimension. For some, a natural part of the life/death
cycle. Consequently, people experience it differently--- emotionally.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in awe of its suddenness and permenance
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...neighbor,an accident where a teenage son of
neighbor was killed. I did what I could to run errands for the woman
and other things she was not handling because of a severe depression
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my gratitude in his letting go;my hope his family could be as
courageous as he was
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is an inevitably that happens every day and, therefore, we should
be grateful for having loved ones for however short a period and
we should not waste time carrying grudges and hate in our hearts.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my father's and my brother's own deaths came without suffering and
while they were still seemingly healthy and enjoying life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I was.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the depression and suffering of others
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
na
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
the death of my younger brother shocked me, but I focused on helping
my sister deal with it, emphasizing to her that like the athlete
in Auden's "To An Athlete dying Young," he had died at a time in
his life when all was going so well for him.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May 8 05:58:03 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Other: ]
Looking for other things in research, and found you
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 8 mths ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 17.5.
--Details:
she was a step-daughter
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
one of the worst emotional experiences that any one could ever endure
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didnt know what to do. My feelings were so tightly wound up, I felt
that I would explode. I didn't feel that life was worth living,
too painful.
--That first time, how it happened was
My eldest brother was killed in a car accident, I had only recently
turned 14.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the state of shock, extreme depression, anger
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
lack of real support
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
give them love and understanding
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
didn't really deal with it. Parents didn't understand that we
were suffering to. We didn't quite know how to deal with it.
my self and my other siblings blamed ourselves for living.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May 8 01:16:28 2001
F17 in sudbury, ontario (and that is a PROVINCE for all you americans =canada=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: mcdonalds drive thru (my dream)
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More personal info:
i expect you to reply.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 41.
--Details:
hung on an oak tree about 5 minutes away from my house that my
mother and i still live in.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the body is a shell for an invisible essence called the soul. when
we die (either by sickness, injury, old age or suicide...etc) our
soul leaves, releasing the body that is now rendered useless. the
body then decomposes and a skeletal reminder is left.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not really undstand it. i knew what death was, but never really
accociated with it personally until then. i was more amazed that
something like this was a natural thing. also, i never realized
how heartbreaking the effect on people around me who new, was.
--That first time, how it happened was
a childhood "boy" friend who lived down the street, killed in a
school bus accident
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the shock. the waiting. the nagging and almost psycotic realization
that something really bad had happened, and things would never be
the same again.
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is real. people love to walk on the edge, and shun the
possibilty. alot has to do with the feelings of immortality that my
culture bottles, packages, and sells.
not enough appreciation. alot
of people wear depression like a fashion, and i think alot of people
are so self involved in what they believe death is just glamour,
not final.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
im not really grateful. i pretty much had to make myself appreciate
life. if not, then what would have been the alternative? not a good
way to live, thats for sure.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mom. pretty much myself. all my friends and family at the time
said lots words, but nothing was lasting. when it was old for them,
then it got too old to bother with, you knwo? they have lives to
deal with too, and we all need to do our own thing.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the waiting period. not knowing where he was for a night and a half
afer finding the note. not knowing if he was alive or dead. not
knowing what was going to happen.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
all you need is love. period.
and right know, you fuckin better
well know that you have mine.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
didnt totally snap. people know that my dad died, and alot of
people can relate to death. but they fucking dont know what it was
like reading stuff said to you in a suicide note. being raised my
a suicidal. the rumers, the lack of understanding, the guilt, the
lasting impression. i wont forget those days ever, and sometimes
when i think to much, it disturbes my thought pattern. people dont
see that. i had to learn to adapt.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they big questions arose:why did who do it? was it somebodys
fault? where the fuck was i and how did i get there? what the fuck
was gonna happen now.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it must have been the bodies own psycological way of saving yourself
from overwhleming grief.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be with my mother instead of running around town fucked up on drugs.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
...im not really sure to tell you the truth.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my spiritual connection with the deceased.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
are you ok? are you ok? is you mom ok?are you ok? are you ok? is
your mom ok? are you ok?
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU FUCKS? GET
THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, IVE GOT SHIT TO DEAL WITH!!!
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think about the old days, before it happened. when i look aat
my 7 year old sister and my 5 year old brother? what willl we tell
them? when i look at my mom, who is so strong. when i remember when
we did stuff together, like go to lilly creek, and drop pepples in
the water and count how many ripples. airplane rides. when youcaught
me sneaking out the window. when we faught. the cruel stuff we said
to eachother. i look at the life my brother and sister have set out
for them. the things they will hear. they rumors, the frustration,
the guilt. asshole.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i wouldnt have turned out this way. probably not have put mom through
so much shit. a normal childhood for my brother and sister. my
mother and i would have not became depresses ourselves (we should
know better, but who controlles these things anyways?). the both us
were perscribes to celexa.
everything would be differant. everthing.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that it had to be you.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just fade away. i think aboutit to much, it becomes twisted in
my mind.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
forced myself to ignore. the week after it happened, me and two
girlfriends binged on wildness, disillusionment and lots and lots
of acid (i have no idea know how i survived on hits for that short
period without seriously snapping once. it put me in a dream state,
and i made myself pretend like nothing happened.) it was the only
way i knew how.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
tell us the news. give us not one fucking penny in death insurance,
(my mom alone with three kids, and alot of new things to think about)
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i am atheist. my family as well.
--Religious Affiliation:
nothing
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
in the past few years, i have had acual, real, unexplanable,
impossible contacts with ghosts. i am not crazy, i am not mistaking
something for something else. i have recieved communicative messages
in plain and simple writing, supernatural occurances which CANNOT be
fabricated by any person in the flesh and bone. i was not imaganing
things, i have several acquaintences with me at the time who have
seen everything i have seen, and they to have no other explanation
to the events that occured.
--Regarding MONEY:
we werent getting any to help us out. exept my moms job, that held us
together with just enough security to live a regular lifestyle. and
i dont mean allowance, shopping sprees, or new tvs, thats for sure.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the amount of people that showed up. if he had known how many people
who cared, he would have shit right in his pants.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
to way my thought patterns changed. they way i needed to discard
anything and everything that associated with my "old life" (thats
what i call it pryor to the event), and start everthing from scratch.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
realization. understanding. the ability to decide that you will not
base your life on things that happened, but learing that life does
go on.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was an oppartunity to become wiser in my understanding of life,
and to use what i have learned to better myself, and the things
around me ('god' knows when this is gonna happen.)
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he was mentally ill. who knows what he saw.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i swallowed a bottle of pills in march. they were anti-depressants,
so i know the chance of seriously dying were slim. i think
i did it was a climax of my depression, and maybe to get a
batter understanding of what it might have been like for my dad.
my boyfriend at the time told me that everyone has problems, and
that it is the same for everyone. we all live our lives, and things
are never perfect for anyone. but it is those people who are strong
enough not to let themselves fall who deserve to live. he told me
i was strong. it changed my life.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
hey dad, i still love. it was a terrible and shitty thing, and
you got your wish when you decided that you werent getting enough
attention. but i cant go on grieving for someone who did this to
me and our own family. i miss you every day, but much against your
wishes, life does go on.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
oh god. first off,everything that you are thinking is wrong. im
sorry for everthing i might have done to you, ...
there's just to
much. sorry.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
ok, let me just tell you that i am not stretching my story one
bit here.
the first christmas, approx 3 months after, something
unexplainable happened. it was christmas morning, around 10 am,
and we were getting ready to go to the cemetary to visit. my
mother and i got in a fight over something, and i took off. the
snow had jst fallen, and the only footprints visible must have been
just made. i was walking down my road when i saw a set of prints,
identacle to mine in the snow. same size, same designs exactly and
same everything. i started following them, and they led into the
bush. i followed these prints about 10 mins down a trail, the they
slowly faded until there were no more. i stopped, had no idea were
i was, looked to the left, and found that i was standing directly
beside the tree that he died on. i had never been there before,
but as soon as i looked at it, there was no doubt in my mind. my
mom and my aunt went there with the detective a couple days earlier,
but i didnt go with them. they brought a vase with some roses in it,
and left it there. thats how i knew for certain that that's what
it was. the rest is unimportant.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
any kids of mine be taken care of with lots of love. my mom getting
the love and stuff that she deserves. for people to just be happy
with themselves.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i just hope my dreams come true for me too. im not scared of
death. but i do know that we ahave limited time, and theres so much
that i would like to see done.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
being totally free. no school, no rules (though i do have a part
time job), and alot of partying. me and my friend drove from ontario
to bc the summer is turned 16, just the two of us. its things like
that that i live for.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i write alot of poetry. i way to get things out, i guess. also
these damn internet surveys!!
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
weed. sarah, the only really close friend that stuck with me,
before, during, and after all this.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
tell them that all you need is love. and you have mine, so you cant
say you have none.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
nothing new. did you expect that it would enlighten me? i have
learned all that i know from me myself and i, and no way is some
quesstionnaire going to change my life, or give me something that
i havent thought about already. i am not stupid, you know.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
what were some of true, and astonishing things you have concluded
about life.
what were the things you focused on to get yourself
through the bad times (just to help yourself recognize what does
make you happy).
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Mon May 7 18:43:39 2001
F28 in Long Island, New York =United States=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Death Be Not Proud
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
John Gunther
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 12 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: an accident; Aged: 17.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a person no longer exists physically but is always remembered.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not understand. I was sixteen and a catechist teaching young
children about things that apparently I really did not understand.
I denounced my religion and my faith as I did not feel that I was
treated fairly.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my first love got into an accident on his
motorcycle...his death was inevitable, but his family waited two
weeks to take him off of the life support
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the lack of support from my family. I was told to 'get over it'
and 'what do you know about love... you are only sixteen'.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death is not a simple passing from one life into another.
Death is unexplainable and uncontrollable and it hurts.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was given a chance to be apart of that person's life and I will
never forget that person. I am grateful for being able to explain
death simply to my children. I tell them that when a person dies,
they remain close to your heart as long as they are remembered,
and that Jesus who died for us and remains in our heart protects
the dead from being scared.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I had no support.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Getting over it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them know that you know they are dying and that they are loved
and will be remembered always.
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to deal with it on my own as a young woman.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
scared more than confused about what actually happens after someone
dies...
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I don't remember laughing for a long time after his death and when
I did I think I was inebriated.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say good-bye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I wasn't able to handle anything about his death well. I was a mess.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I dreamed of him alive and visiting me after he died.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I don't know.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of the places we discovered together.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think that maybe we would have broken up and gone on with our
lives separately. I do believe there was a strong connection,
and I believe he would have sat with me given the same circumstances.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I believed completely in my faith, all I had was his friendship
and it was taken from me.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back time. But then again, I would not have the life I have
now- my two children- too confusing a thought.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sat by his side for two weeks hoping he would live and knowing that
he would die.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
unable to remember anything but him.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Everything!!! I felt betrayed and going to church after his death
has been very painful.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right.
--Regarding MONEY:
not applicable
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
pain
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
people came out of nowhere to be at the funeral. Where were they
during his life?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I don't know.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I was unable to deal. I drank to deal.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think I am okay considering I have not dealt with his death
completely with the support of others.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope to see him smile- he loved to smile. I would say that
I hope he had found peace and I wish that he could have experienced
more of life before he had to go.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
this is funny as I have already mentioned this. My dream occurred a
few weeks after he died. He came to me in my dream in his typical
style. I questioned his presence (even though I was sleeping)
and he told me that he had to go and that he came to say good-bye.
I begged him to stay and he smiled and walked away. The funny thing
is that I don't know if the light he walked into was part of my
dream or if I actually saw a bright light as I woke from the dream.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would hope for my friends and family to remember the good times
and the times we learned from each other. Remember that I am free...
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am basically indestructable at this point. Hard and cold.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I used to light a candle in a Catholic church, as hard as it was
to go to church. Now candles are no longer in churches, thanks to
the hideous acts of others, or fire codes... whatever!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I love thinking about the simple things in life the wind and sun
on my face and I am an avid candle collector.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I was kept from my family to be close with his family. I had no
chance to grieve.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Alcohol
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I would have been better off with the support of family. My support
became the bottle.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me think of how angry I feel. I remember him with fondness,
but all else is hurtful memory.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
don't know ... think you did fine.
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Mon May 7 13:20:43 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 yr. ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 78.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
scary
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
i cried i couldnt believe it really happened
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my uncle who lives in south carolina was
driving on a dark and narrow road and speeding. He was going to
fast to realize there was a truck pulling half of a mobile home
behind it stopped in the middle of the road. My uncle and his car
went completely through the mobile home. He died instantly. the
crash crushed his entire head, tore off one of his arms and one of
his legs, and crushed his chest.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my dad crying, it was his stepfather
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
they are going to a better place
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it ended his suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
peace of mind
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
him being the only grandfather i ever knew
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
in my uncles case he was young
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring him back w/o pain
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
i didnt have any i wasnt in town
--Religious Affiliation:
baptist
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
talk about it
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Mon May 7 02:45:43 2001
F20 in , Missouri =USA=
Web: http://homestead.juno.com/xakana/index.html
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
friend gave me a link to a page that had you listed--a psych
experiment search page
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: fire/smoke inhalation; Aged: 12.
--Details:
it was right before her birthday and I had a dream the same night
about fire and forboding...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an end to consciousness, where our body decays to become one with
the eath and we theoretically enter the afterlife with the essesnce
of who were are and what we think.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
went into a deep depression
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my best friend died...at least, that's my
first experience with human death
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the body's strange heat and the rose I laid across it... then
the way I associated it with her not eating, sleeping, laughing,
crying fulfilling her dreams anymore...
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
act normal, treat them well but not differently than you wold
normally, except avoiding fights or other unpleasantness.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didn't laugh out loud, but I did want to laugh. She said in life
that she'd never be caught dead in a dress, but there she was,
dead and in a dress.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Visit her house, as she requested, before she died.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing at all.
--Religious Affiliation:
Alternative Monotheistic Wiccan--current, athiest--past
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
unreal, but hopeful.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My aunt experienced the 'light tunnel' phenomenon.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want to be buried in a wooden coffin, no embalming until four
days after I die, no non-biodegradable fabric of cloting and if I'm
embalmed, I'd prefer to be mummified, with my organs left inside,
though. And my possessions should be equally devided amongst those
I cared for, according to use.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It will come, me kicking and screaming to fight and stop it. I'm
scared to die, yet desire it often.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
also the loss of a clse friend
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I reach out by being friends with anybody who needs me and being
a conforting ear.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Unfortunately, it was nothing I hadn't thought of before.
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Thu May 3 22:11:54 2001
M26 in , North Carolina ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: medicine
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 80.
--Details:
Woke suddenly from sleep, stated that it was time for him to
bring his aluminum cans to the recycler, then fell back onto the
bed unconscious.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our cells can no longer regenerate and sustain life. The
person we were ceases to be what we were and becomes something
else. Perhaps a new life, perhaps just a memory.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
observed everyone with confusion and fascination. It seemed to
affect everyone else so dramatically, but I was just confused.
--That first time, how it happened was
We lived in an old house that was said to be haunted. I didn't know
what haunted meant so I asked my mother. She showed me pictures
of the people who lived in the house many, many years prior and
explained that they were dead.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How my family held one another. How stoic my father was in announcing
his passing and how everyone went to him for comfort.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that the dead probably don't care about bullshit anymore. Murdered
people probably don't bear grudges against their murderers. Whatever
we become when we're dead, it's probably something less petty and
vindictive than a human.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The mother's day at grandpa's house the year before he died. All the
generations of each side of the family was there. There must have
been fifty people there that day and each of them could be traced
back to grandpa and nana. It made me realize was success really is.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my wife.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Consoling Nana and seeing how alone she felt.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them die. Don't berate them with "Fight . . .live . . .hang on"
just love them.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
The man said he had to cash in his aluminum cans and then dropped
dead. That's just funny. It was his last joke.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
take the cans to the recycler before they piled up so high.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The paramedics did all they could, when it was really just a show
for Nana.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I go home and see how messy it isn't.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I lived so far away.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
started planning for what was next.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
resignation. I'm a medical professional and I know how little can
really be done for strokes of that magnitude.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
practically nothing. It was a place to have the funeral.
--Religious Affiliation:
protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
humbling.
--Regarding MONEY:
Nana had to be taken care of.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was good
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
eating whatever and however much junk you want to.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
didn't see it. Here one minute, gone the next.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Was driving home very late one night having been up about 27 hours
on 5 hours sleep. I struggled to stay awake. At one point, I was
not in the car anymore but was in fact looking down at the top of
the car. At first I didn't mind, but then when I realized that I
was not where I needed to be, I snapped back into the car with my
heart pounding.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
It was all fine
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Thanks for everything and good luck.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I hear words sometimes
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I believe that people should be entitled to a dignified
end. This includes the right to pro-actively facilitate the death
process. We intervene in natural processes all the time. It's called
medicine. Once a person enters the death avoidance game (medical
intervention) they should be able to decide when they've had enough.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't fear death like I fear pain. I would not want to leave my
family. I can tell that Nana is waiting to die. She is literally
killing time. I can't blame her. I would hope to die like a bug on
a windshield. Just humming along and then SPLAT!
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I took the damn cans to the recycler and told him so.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
With my father in law. We see eye to eye now and feel more like
birds of a feather.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
At that age it was more of a learning process to understand what
death was, rather than a person close to me actually dying.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I often counsel families of sick or injured persons as part of my
job. I try to be honest and sincere.
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Thu May 3 21:04:25 2001
F57 in Sierra Vista, AZ =USA=
Name: Enid Schwartz
Email: <jschwart=at=sprynet.com>
Web: http://home.sprynet.com/~jschwart/Enid.html
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I typed in spirituality and dying and this was one of the hits
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Prof/Studies: Bereavement facilitator, speaker for PESI Health Care, Adjunct
faculty for a community college, nurse (retired), ABD for a degree
in Health Psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 1 yr. ago.
Cause of Death: septicemia; Aged: 57.
--Details:
He was diagnosed with CLL a year before he died. The CLL triggered
ITP. He had a pic line, an arterial line and a splenectomy was
performed. He ended up becoming septic and died in ICU. I had the
respirator removed when his kidneys failed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life as we know it on earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
The first death of a person I can remember was my grandfather when I
was 15. He died in a mental hospital where he was placed because of
dementia. I don't remember the very first death I witnessed, but the
one I remember was a child I took care of who had cystic fibrosis.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My first death was that of my pet dog.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
was that he went peacefully and that is death caused a number of
people, including myself to reflect on our lives and think about
what it is that is important.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I'm not sure.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was able to do what I wanted to do with my life sooner than we
had planned.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not having him with me, especially when I needed to do the things
he usually took care of with things like the house, the truck,
the travel trailer. I miss his physical presence in my life.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
talk with them and let them know how much you love them, even if
they can't respond.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the doctors were hopeful and I had the sense that there was no
point in letting him continue. I knew I was going to lose him 3
nights before I finally let him go.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is healing, it is a catharsis and it has a different effect
than the tears, but is just as helpful.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have talked with him more about all the wonderful things that our
relationship has given me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there with him as his spirit left his body.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
a former student (nurse) was willing to tell me honestly that my
husband's chances of survival were slim. I knew that, but no one
else was willing to be honest about that. The physicians were not
ready to give up on the chance that he might survive.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
It is to early for me to think "I'm over it." I don't think I will
ever "get over it" as he was a part of my life for 33 years. However,
I do know that, although there will be triggers, the pain and the
reaction will change, and hopefully lesson, over time.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be still doing a job I was ready to leave, and we would
be planning for my retirement from that job and thinking about
traveling.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he died so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have him back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was really angry with him for leaving me before we had completed
the things we planned. I also used humor a lot to deal with, not
cover up, the pain. As a humorist, I was aware of what I was doing,
and did it deliberately.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
thankfulness that they cared enough to do everything they could to
help him. I received a great deal of support from the nurses and
a few of his physicians.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
He never made it to hospice.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A place where I could go to get support and comfort. We have a
small congregation and everyone in it is a friend. I also went to
a meditation workshop sponsored by the Reform Jewish movement and
found that very helpful.
--Religious Affiliation:
Jewish
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a comfortable concept. I was aware of my husband's spirit
having left his body, and having left my side. Plus, people have
told me that they have seen or felt my husband.
--Regarding MONEY:
this was not an issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that despite the short notice people had a Joe's death, there
were a lot of people there. The funeral was very moving, and I
have many special memories of certain people being there, and the
way that everything seemed to come together. A friend of mine sang
"Wind Beneath my Wings", I read a letter I wrote to him, and both
rabbis who officiated added just the right touch of humor, which
is something he would have wanted.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The fact that his spirit hung around, and that people told me they
had seen him, or heard him, or felt him even months afterwards.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I have clinical experience in this area and don't wish to write
all I know here.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was not as painful as I expected. As much as I miss him and
wish he had not died, I have filled my life with things that were
meaningful to me, I have continued with some of our plans, and
I have added new things to my life. All this has helped me in my
processes. Plus, I still have a strong sense of presence now and
then that I attribute to Joe's spirit. That gives me comfort.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I've already mentioned that friends, as well as myself have felt
his spirit. I have also been aware of my late sister's spirit now
and then.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have a former student and a former co-worker who both have shared a
NDE. Both of them found the experience a little unsettling, but also
comforting. They both reported that death is not frightening to them.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have preached a long time about not having unresolved business
and therefor left none between my husband and myself. I did have
some between my sister and myself, and I dealt with them by talking
about them and letting her know.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell him how much I love him and appreciate all that he has
given me. I would also assure him that I am going to be OK. I sense
that my husband's spirit is still not ready to leave this world and
move on. It is as if he is still unsettled. I would feel better if
I knew he were truly at peace.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have had a sense of presence, like a change in energy. On a trip
to Colorado 6 months after he died, I felt as if the energy was
a protective shield. At a conference in Colorado, a friend told
me that she saw Joe between us one time when we were sitting next
to each other. I've had friends tell me he was worried about me,
and I had one friend tell me that he told her to tell me he likes
the remodeling I did on our kitchen.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have seen families struggle with the issue of letting go, and
seen them hold on and not agree to a DNR, or to request a feeding
tube put in when not feeding the person would be a greater mercy. I
want to be sure my sister understands exactly what I want in my
advanced directives.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't fear the death itself. Being a cancer survivor and having
worked through some of my own issues, what I would regret the most is
not having done those two states my husband and I didn't do (we've
been in 48 states). I would also regret not being able to do what
I do now and would want to find someway to teach others as I die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I don't like that word "closure" because it sounds as if I am closing
a door on him and our life together. He will always be with me,
even if it is not as powerfully as he is now. I don't have a ritual,
but I do use anger in a humorous way to deal with his loss. I also
talk with him a lot. The other thing I do is bring back stones from
special places I've been and bring them to his grave and tell him
about the event.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I'm not sure what the above means. I have become more sensitive to
others going through a similar experience. I have actually found
that some rituals are hard to do, such as lighting the candles on
Friday nights. I can do them if there is someone else in the house,
but lighting them when I'm alone is hard.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have a new male friend who lives 1800 miles away. He lost his
wife a year before Joe died. We have a lot in common and find
that we give each other support. It is a comfortable friendship,
and one that I sense will be a lasting friendship.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I believe that death is a part of life. My support system is also
very important.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
My family was death denying, so I didn't have their support in my
journey to understand how to deal with death.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I do end of life seminars for health care personnel and I teach
loss, grief and dying at a community college. I also co-lead a
bereavement group. I bring to all that my educational knowledge,
as well as my personal knowledge.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was an interesting experience.
Enhancements: I don't have time to do all this now.
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Thu May 3 14:02:26 2001
F19 in Daly City, California =United States of America=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 years ago.
Cause of Death: Heart Failure; Aged: 73.
--Details:
He had a heart problem for much of his life. He had to take pills
when he had chest pain. He had a few bypass surgeries. And the
day he died, I was in school. My family was at the hospital to see
him...they did not tell me until afterschool. I was soo mad at them.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the stopping of our hearts, of our brains, our body's ability to
function. But, that is not true for our souls. We do not know what
happens to them because we are a bundle of energy. Energy just
does not just disappear, it turns into another kind of energy.
Well, hopefully.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried because my parents cried. I did not quite understand why my
great grandmother had to leave. I just knew she had to go and that
she would not come back.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my great great grandmother. She died at age 93. I was sad,
of course, but I was so young. I don't think I really understood.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how much I miss him. I don't think a day goes by that I don't
think of him. I loved my grandfather so much. I miss the sound
of his voice, and his little scruff around his face when he forgot
to shave. I remember going to the viewing and being able to see
his chest move up and down. My cousins saw it too...I guess that
was just wishful thinking.
--What I think my (United States of America) culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing. Every family memeber was super supportive to every other
family memeber. We talk about him, and comfort eachother.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my grandfather is in no more pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My mother. She supports me and I support her. We support eachother
the most because I think we need it the most.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Never being able to see or hear him again. I can't hug him and I
don't know if he is ok.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Give them time. When they want to talk, they will...if they don't,
don't push them. When they want to cry, hand them a tissue...and
give them comforting rubs on the back so they know you care.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
cope with him no longer being here.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
IS what happens to us afterward. Is there an afterward? is there
nothingness? is there eternity of happiness?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
n/a
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him how much I loved him and give him a big hug and kiss.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
take care of my mom.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i realized he might be watching us.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the viewing. I didn't want to see him like that...i wanted to
remember him the way he was...happy and vivacious
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i get very scared when i think about death. i think i have an
anxiety problem cuz my heartbeat starts to race and feel like i'm
freaking out. i think about if he is alone in darkness? or if he
misses us? or what will happen to me when i die?
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We'd still be very happy. he'd still probably have chest pains
and many problems. he could attend my graduation.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why did my grandmother have to unplug the respirator?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
tell him everything.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. When my father first told me, I asked him if it was a
joke..cuz if it was, i didn't think it was funny. When he looked
down...my eyes welled up with tears and I said "no Dad..no, he can't
be dead" and he hugged me. And then I cried and cried and cried.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
trying to find peace...peace for my grandfather, and for my family
and i.
--Religious Affiliation:
non practicing methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
so true.
--Regarding MONEY:
none of us cared about money. we are very family oriented...not
money oriented.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i didn't notice a single person...the only person i cared about
was my grandfather...i remember crying...only being able to think
of him and how much i was going to miss him and how much i wish he
could stay.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how everything was in slow motion.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when they start wanting to know more about what is going on right
now in your life, and if you will be ok. and them telling you how
much they love you.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i was in shock...i never denied he was dead...and when i found out
my grandmother pulled the plug on him, i was angry. after that i
was just very sad...and soon after, started to try and heal.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i don't know
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i don't think anyone i know...including me, has ever had a near
death experience
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i have none...but i know others who do.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would say "i love you grandpa...i hope you are doing well.i wish
i could have told you goodbye. grandpa...is death anything to be
afraid of?"
hopefully he would say..."i love you too lorrie...i'm
doing wonderfully...i've missed you very much. i didn't want
you to see me how i was...you didn't have to tel me how much you
care...i knew. death is nothing at all to be scared of...just be
good and you'll see me again. heaven is wonderful.
it would
give me a great sense of relief.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i don't think i've had that either...sometiems i feel like he's
here when i feel confident and secure...like he's making sure i'm ok.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i don't want them to think of me dying...i want them to think and
remember me when i was alive. i have no rights or wishes when i
die...all i want is to be cremated and sprinkled in the ocean.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i have given thought to my own mortality. too much i think.
my mom thinks i have an anxiety problem...unfortunatly she told
me she gets them too. i think she may have passed it on to me.
i myself fear the idea of nothingness...blackness....that goes
on for an eternity. i also fear being in heaven...for eternity.
i fear the idea of reincarnation cuz you will just keep coming back
over and over for all eternity. i don't know how i feel about
death...i just know that if i knew i was gonna die...i would go
out with a bang. i'd wanna make an impact before i go...leave a
dent in the world so noone forgets me.personally, i'd rather not
know about my death...just leave it up to god.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talking to people about my experience with death and theirs.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i'm very much the same...just very conscious of how fragile we
actually are so i try and enjoy every second.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i haven't made any friendships...infact..shortly after...i lost
a friendship.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
one of my friends grandparent died and i was there to comfort her.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
this questionaire made me re-face my fears and think about my
own mortality. this is a good questionaire...bittersweet experience.
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Thu May 3 11:23:30 2001
F34 in Regina, Saskatchewan =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
have to do survey for class (university)
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Prof/Studies: Government
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 10 ago.
Cause of Death: unknown death; Aged: 31.
--Details:
she died at her work station from brain swelling. Very rare medical
condition. Only happnes to one in about 3 M people every few years
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life, family, friends. The end of suffering. You no
longer exist.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was traumtized by two young people dying. Still have dreams about
the people even decades later.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died in hospital from a stroke.
He had been sick so not a total shock
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling like I was having a nervous breakdown. Couldn't get past
the grief, loss, shock of losing the person.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
what happens when you die. I guess I will find out one day
(nothing?)
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
friends who listened to me rage, cry.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my daughter and friends. Without them I would be lost.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
guilt of not being there to save them, questioning the hopsital
for mistakes, not talking to her longer on the phone the last time
I talked to her.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
drop everything. Don't say I don't "do" hospitals. Take something
to cheer them up, listem to their problems.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't understand how a healthy person could just "die" without
any warning (no accident or other violence invovled).
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
didn't happen to me - didn't laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to the person more
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there when her machines were unplugged.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the stupid food - I hate that at a funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize how much I miss my sister after 10 years.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when someone so taleented and young dies.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
inadequate
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I have been invvovled with a death of a person 55 years old with
cancer. The hospice was very caring.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
nothing
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
no clue
--Regarding MONEY:
the will was tied up forever, the funeral was incredilby expensive.
Lawyers and undertakers play on your emotions and suck money out
of you.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
caring people
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
having a dream just before my sister died that we were together. I
woke up screaming. I think she was giving me a message.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
a little too long and in depth. Too personal to complete at work
for me.
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Wed May 2 18:29:34 2001
F18 in Summersville, West Virginia =US=
Name: Anna
Email: <annabradshaw=at=usa.net>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Im looking for a subject for a psychology research paper
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: automobile accident; Aged: 18.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of ones existence. It is like going to sleep permantley.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
became majorly depressed.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was my best friend was killed in an automobile
accident when I was 17.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how mad I was at those crying for him. Half of them didn't even
know him like I did.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not such a negative thing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I realized not to take people for granted.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to him.(not actually speaking to him, but saying the things
out loud that I never got the chance to say and writing him letters)
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I didn't know where he went after he died.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him I love him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
keep control in front of his brother.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what he was wearing.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a sad song.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
24/7.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
forget about it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became depressed.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
none now. At the time...Jehovahs Witness.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there were so many people there who barley knew him.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
feeling relief after seeing him in the casket.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Horrible. We had a fight the day before.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have dreams which he appears in often. But they are just dreams.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I dont like to think about it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Going to his grave and talking out loud.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
none
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Prescription Drugs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
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Tue May 1 07:44:46 2001
F19 in London, N/A =England=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
serach on yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Maths
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 76.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the loss of ability to sustain ones own life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
talked about it with my friends and family
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My friends Dad died when I was about 8 years
old. He was a close family friend.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the way peoples peception of that person changed after the death
--What I think my (England) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to talk about it. That talking ill of the dead isn't that bad
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the fact you look at your own life with a fresh out look. to know
that you arn't the be all and end all, life doesn't end when you do,
it just keeps going, that life is short, so enjoy it
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the fact that my parents were willing to talk about it at every
oppertunatie, I was encouraged to do the same
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
going to visit there house seeing stuff I accoiate with them but
not hearing there voice or seeing them in person
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
visit then just so they know you care and have taken the time,
write a letter if you can't see them in person.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realised what kind of person he was, not just my grandfather but
many things to many people
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I am first told, I don't know how to react, its a bit of a shoch
to the system
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
its good to laugh, at situations like that. It destreeses you makes
you forget what you were upset about for a little while. You might
even make other people laugh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
find out more about his life, his experences during the war
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk through it all and have my friends and family around me
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My aunt who hadn't seen her father for over 30 yrs sent a flower
and a piece of peotry to his funeral
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Wearing black acting all solummn
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
we used to play together when he used to tease me. How now people
say I'm like him
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think about this there is no point living in another world
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I didn't have the chance to show where I've got today, how
much I've achieved
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back time, just for a little while
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
found I could deal with things far better
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they had no part to play
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they had no part to play
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
they had no part to play
--Religious Affiliation:
I have none, I do not believe in god(s)
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
any way you want to go thats wher you end up. I don't want to condem
any one.
--Regarding MONEY:
didn't play a part
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
to much saddness. it should be a time of celebration of that
persons life
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how glad I am to be me, to still be alive, of all the things i can
still experience, and peoples life I can influence all the friends
I can make
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loss of colour, in eyes and skin.
Accectance of what is happening.
Refusal of drugs
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
talking about was the most important thing asking all the questions
and getting all the answers
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
no
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
riduclus
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
there is no point
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
no
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
no
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
will, money and loved ones
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
im not going to die intill ive experienced the world. Im not affriad
of death
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
looking through photos
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
im careful to take the time to experince things fully, and to always
have a go
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
having some thing in common can start frinedships but i would hate
to friends with someone and thats all there was
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
seeing my friend go through it
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
by talking
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes it brought back some sad memories
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See Apr 01 contributions.
See Mar 01 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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