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See Current contributions.
See Mar 01 contributions.
See Feb 01 contributions.
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Mon Apr 30 20:35:08 2001
F16 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
web search for tests found you
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1/6 of a year ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 18.
--Details:
He was a boyfriend and best friend and we cared for each other deeply
and already had plans of marrage. He had moved and was on his way
to visit me because he knew I was really sad he had to leave me. He
died in a car accident on his way to the airport and the past two
months all I can think is that it's my fault and it is my fault.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the loss of someone we love or even hate. It is not only the mind but
also the body. Death is something that happens when you've out lived
your life. A dead person is no longer able to communicate at all.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
hide it and have kept it hidden for ten years
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My mom died of cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
ignoring my surroundings and nit really caring if there were other
people there or not to comfort me.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Its real so deal with it. (I know I don't take my own advice)
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Because my mother died my father remarried a wonderful person who
is know an ctive member of my life, at least a little active.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that if I was good I'd be able to see that person again.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the happy memories.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
give that person love.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
still care for her but am on my way to getting over the fact that
she is dead.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Her suffering. she shouldn't have had to suffer through everything
she did.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I just neened that laugh to see if it'd make it all better.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
love all of them even more than I had.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
remember something about each of them.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I smiled and was happy for them that they didn't have to deal with
this cold cruel world.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
My well being.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a picture or even hear the sound of their voice in the back
of my head out of nowhere.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
they had to leave and also the fact that they left me all alone.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
curl up and die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried for hours. And probably made the biggest scene because I was
in the middle of school.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they are stupid and could have done a lot more.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
what will happen to me now?
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding MONEY:
because we had little my mother died. If we would have had the
money she would have had a lot better chance.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the music. Of my sisters funeral is the lullaby music.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
If they're gone then what is the point of me still being here.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
denail, anger, acceptance
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
denail, denail, anger, and extreme anger.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Rage
I still haven't delt real well with it in ten years
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
Ithought: That now everyone I loved was going to die
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Mon Apr 30 19:21:47 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 25 ago.
Cause of Death: cerebal palsy; Aged: about 20.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
it is when the body stops living, no breathing, thinking or
moving. you know someone is dead because they smell different and
are very cold, they feel like a box and you can feel the coldness
as far as a foot away from them. they look complety unnatural as
you knew them in life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was curious, i didnt know this person well, but had visited with
him a few times. not upsetting to me
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... a realative that had been ill my entire
childhood. did not know him well and he was about 8 years older
than i
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my grandmother, the deceased mother. telling me i was old enought
to attend the funeral and the feeling of not being sure i wanted
to. I donot remember attending it or even if i did attend
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is just another part of life. the soul is what makes
the person the person you knew. Remembering that it is just an
empty shell that we see.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that he is no longer in pain, he is whole and healthy now
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
that the family was distracted
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the memories. the sound of their voice and the fear that i would
forget it. their smell, the way people were kind when it just made
me sadder at losing them.
also, the most difficult was seeing so
many people in pain
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to just sit beside them and to let them be comfortable with that.let
the bereaved take the lead
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
felt her lose and respected her sense of life
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
trying to make sense of it when it seemed so senless
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see her more often
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for my grandfather after his wifes death.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the way the two sides of the family remained opposed even during
the funeral. i saw my mother and her brother have an akward moment,
their children all just looked at each other and i realized what
strangers we really were even though we were realted/
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the flowers
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
think of the shock of losing a young loved one and the tragedy that
often takes the lives of younger ones. the senslessness of it
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
an ex lover is now deceased and i stil carry a terrible feeling of
guilt for never marrying him, i feel like maybe we would have been
together and he would be alive if i had said yes. ithink my life
would have been much more conent
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone so young has to die and or that someone had to suffer
for so long before they could suffer no more
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
help ease the pain of the surviviors
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
let the knowledge sink in and began to understand that i would
never know them the way i did in life again
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
very helpful and kind
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
comfort for my grandparents.
--Religious Affiliation:
beliver in a higher being, no doubt
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like their is a peace among the dead if they were ready and the
lessons were learned
--Regarding MONEY:
greed on one side of the family and sneaking to get the material
things that they felt had worth
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the hurt.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
accepting that they are gone forever
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
tellinga person everything you want to while u can and letting them
tell you even if it seems uniimportant
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
feel it.. dont fight it
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have often smelled them shortly after death.
I always dream of
the loved one and they always tell me that they are ok in some way
or antoher and it usually brings me to the end of my grieving process
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
pray and talk to them
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I often feel my grandmother, i have found hair pins and smell her
shampoo. i have been places and smelled thier colgne or felt their
touch. I have actually heard them say my name and then when i turn
they are gone
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I bought a picture that has the quote about a time for sewing and
reaping.. everything that happens in life happens at the time god
chooses.
that is most beneficial to me
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
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Mon Apr 30 14:32:39 2001
F48 in Barre, VT =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
A friend of mine is writing a book "Bardo Days" and I wanted to
know what 'bardo' is
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5 ago.
Cause of Death: long-term illness; Aged: 83.
--Details:
She had shut me out of her life for many years and finally let me
come to her. She died very slowly over a five year period from many,
many small strokes leaving her progressively less able to car for
herself. She was 65 lbs at her death.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a passage into the unknown
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
could not respond
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I chose "Very Difficult" because I was totally
unresponsive and did not respond at all. The death happened to my
dog (whom I dearly loved and was my best friend) who chocked on a
piece of meat I had given her. I was probably 10. At 12 my father
died and once again I was not able to respond. You might want to add
"unresponsive" as an option.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how abandoned the body was when the spirit left it
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
we will all be there one day, no amount of denial or healthly living
will keep us from it. We might consider facing it rather than hiding
it from ourselves
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that people can pass with serenity
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
spirituality
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
finality
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
quietness
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was reunited before death
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it took so long. My mother was ready for it, paraying for it for
a long time.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to be a family
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be accepted and even belonged at her side
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
she was simply gone
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
dealing with the remains
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
how much she wanted her life to come to an end
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
end, but I still have young children
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
have fear that it will come before I am done with life
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
medical community was not much of a factor
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
decent
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not much, we are just vaguely spiritual
--Religious Affiliation:
non-denominational Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
vague
--Regarding MONEY:
it was not an issue
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was a gathering of caring people
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
driving her ashes home (about 1,000 miles)
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
if it happened, she did not share it
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
driving her home
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
Now spirituality is how I deal with anything, nice or difficult.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
I have lead a solitary life since infancy.
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Mon Apr 30 10:02:02 2001
F17 in wellsville, ohio =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
search for death test
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Prof/Studies: waitress
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 5 months ago.
Cause of Death: blunt head trma; Aged: 3 yrs 2 months.
--Details:
some say accident others say incident, he died on my birthday,
and he was my favorite. the officials say he was murdered
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
someone going away and never ever coming back. they can still see
you, but you can only see them in your dreams
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
went back to my dream that was identical to it, and lost it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was a neighbor boy, had a deja vu dream
about it before hand, it was a fatal double head on car accident
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
losing someone so young with so much life ahead of him
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
there comes a persons time to say goodbye
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i feel safer having an angel protect me
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
pictures, the funeral, and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
it felt like my own child had been stolen away from me
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
they know how much they mater to you, and are warm with love when
they pass on
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
want to stop accidental abusive deaths
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
hoe do we know people go to heaven or hell, or if there is really
heaven or hell
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i don't know why I laugh at sad situations, but i always manage to
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with the person, pay more attention to them
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
realize death canhapen to anyone
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see a childs toy or article of clothing
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why couldn't have been me?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see them one last time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
i felt alone, ans like i was going to be the next one in line
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they didn't do enough
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
sad, pitiful, despair
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding MONEY:
it was very expensive, but not to too expensive for the deceased
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there should have been more
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
beleiving the corpse is actually dead
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
heart rate, color,breath, ect
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i cry it all out
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that they know I loved them
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
n/a just in dreams before death
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i'd tell everyone howI feel about them, take chances and risks
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
cry cry cry
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
telling myself that the person is now closer than before
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
identical dreams to the real situation
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i'm glad I got to get most of it out
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
does death make you feel cleansed?
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Mon Apr 30 06:04:28 2001
F36 in jefferson, tenn =us=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: wal-mart
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 10 ago.
Cause of Death: killed her self; Aged: 47.
--Details:
she shot here self
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
peace full
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...i od
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
depression
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
miss them
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell them i lve them
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
recovered
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
upsets me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say i love you mom
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
dam it
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see here
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
passeds out
--Religious Affiliation:
bapyist
--Regarding MONEY:
none
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
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Sun Apr 29 03:42:08 2001
F23 in Regina, Saskatchewan =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Psychiatric Nurse
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 24.
--Details:
he phoned me the night before he died and was asking me a whole
bunch of questions regarding death. he also told me that I was a
special person and to never give up on my dreams. I thought he was
acting weird but I never gave it any more thought. The next day
I received a phone call saying he shot himself in the head and is
no longer with us. That is when I realized that he had phoned me
to say goodbye. However I also felt lot of guilt as for he gave
me many warning signs of what he was going to do. I was in school
to become a psychiatric nurse and dropped out when I realized that
I would never make a good nurse as for I killed this man without
recognizing the signs. Then I remembered that he told me not
to give up on my dreams. he knew how I was going to take this.
Now I know the warning signs of suicide and have probably saved
peoples lives as a nurse. However i still can not talk to his
sister because I still know it was my fault that he died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
going to a better place where there is no pain or suffering.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had no clue as to what had really happened. All's I knew was that
I would never see my grandma again.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died from a heart attack
when I was about 7 years old. I was sad because my mom was sad.
I don't think I really knew what was going on.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
crying and feeling that i killed someone. I felt so hopeless that I
was a failure and I wanted to even take my own life. Partly because
I felt so guilty and partly because I wanted to be with him.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that everybody goes to heaven if they commit suicide. It is an
illness not a sin.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the time i was able to spend with the person while he/she was living.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking with friends, and listening to music. Alot of the time I
also just needed some time to myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the overwhelming grief and sadness. I also don't like to see my
parents or friends upset which makes it harder for me. I feel I
need to be strong for them sometimes ignoring my own needs.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
everybody shows stress through different methods. laughing is the
bodys self defense mechanism against severe stress.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have a strong relationship with these people and to say goodbye,
and tell them that I love them.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The minister recognizing our pain and addressing each one of us
individually at the end of it all to ask how we were doing.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
or hear sad songs that remind me of the person or of a potential
person dying (friend, parent).
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would be so much happier. I can see us closely knit, holding
hands and laughing. I would love to see my grandfather smile at
me once again.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the nurses went on strike at that part of my grandfathers
illness, which made him worse off.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die!!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
at first was scared of dying. I was always worried my parents
would die if I wasn't with them. It felt like I was the one who
kept them safe.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I am not overlly a religious person nor is it for the rest of my
family or friends. Basically to me a church is just where funerals
take place.
--Religious Affiliation:
Technically I am Luthern
--Regarding MONEY:
I have never had to put money into a funeral yet.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I remember when my one grandmother died, my grandparents from
the other side attended the funeral. However, recently when my
grandfather passed away, the other relatives (from the other side)
never showed up nor wrote or called with their condolences.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
having people talk to me at the funeral and saying all the
things they felt they "have to say". such as I am so sorry, your
grandfather was a nice man.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a sudden surge of energy
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none that i am aware of.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
With family members I would want them to know how much I love them
as for I never said it enough.
With my boyfriend I would want to
appologize for letting him down and would hope for his forgiveness.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I knew for sure that I was going to die I would want to spend
as much time with my family as possible!! Often I have thoughts
of committing suicide but because although I know I would be dead
I would still miss my parents and wouldn't want to put them through
that kind of torture.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I didn't cope very well. I cried for days, listened to music in
my room alone and drank alcohol to help put me to sleep.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
Because I have grieved many, many, many times for a loved one I
now help others with this process.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
Guilt
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i just wanted people to come and talk to me but yet just know
automatically when I don't want to be disturbed. I feel really
selfish about saying that but it is true.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I did get teary eyed and made me realize that I am not totally over
losing my loved ones.
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Sat Apr 28 20:18:00 2001
F21 in Philly, PA ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Looking for psychology experiments for a class
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 7 ago.
Cause of Death: hit by a car; Aged: 14.
--Details:
she was crossing a highway that seperates our town. a very busy
highway, the night before Halloween. She wasn't the first person
that got hit by a car on that road. The good thing that came out of
it is that we pressured the city to either put up a crosswalk or a
stop light there since so many kids have to cross the busy street.
We finally got what we wanted three years ago even though it cost
a lot of lives to get it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the seperation of the soul from the body inabling that person to
communicate or interact with others.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really know what was going on.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was 4 or 3 years old it was my dad's mom and
then when i was 5 it was my moms dad. I remember more of my grandads
death than i do my grandmoms. I was too young to realize what was
going on and I noticed that i upset everyone when i walked up to the
coffin and shook him and asked him when he was going to wake up.
I think at this point i realized that he wasn't going to wake up,
but i still didn't have a full grasp on the concept of death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that they were all too young to go and it's a shame that their
lives were stopped so suddenly.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
all the wonderful memories of good times that it brings
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
just hanging out with those that understood and getting through
it together
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing you'll never see them again
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
those moments when you want to laugh are the funny memories or the
good times that pop in your head and you know they'll always be
with you
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that it's comforting to think that only the physical self is gone and
that their soul will go on to live in some other realm......that's
what all religion is for to comfort us and to awnser the questions
that we are still unable to awnser.
--Religious Affiliation:
I'm still experimenting with religion so many are filled with
bullshit and if you look at them all they basically preach the same
message a message which we should all realize without the guide of
"the 10 commandments" or the koran.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It doesn't really matter. I think I'd rather it be spontaneous than
long term. Long term illnesses means that i'd have too much time to
think about it and thinking too much about something is never good.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Didn't really change my perspective on it at all. It's something
we all have to learn to deal with no matter how hard it might be.
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Thu Apr 26 14:09:52 2001
F29 in , =United Kingdom=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Teacher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack (old age); Aged: 83.
--Details:
My grandmother had been feeling ill for a couple of weeks. Early one
morning she had obviously awoken feeling ill, had got up and sat
in the chair in the lounge. Whilst sitting there she'd died.
My family were contacted by a neigbour who had noticed that my
Gran's curtains had not been opened. When we got to the house the
warden for the old people's homes had already arrived. This was
the first time I'd seen a person dead. It was quite a shock.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life for what we call the body. The soul (which is
what a person or individual is all about) is released from the
body and continues to live in a different form. Life after death
is much better than life on earth as there are no stresses and
no responsibilities.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt very sad for the person who'd died and it made me think about
my own mortality. How would people react if I died?
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...the daughter of some family friends was killed
in a car accident at the age of about 30. I remember hearing
about it whilst I was in school. This was the first funeral I
recall attending.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
seeing my dead grandmother sitting in the armchair. Having to see
my Mam and Dad very upset for the first time. Crying uncontrolably
(when I'm not usually an emotional person). Feelings of guilt that
I hadn't visited my Gran more often whilst she was alive.
--What I think my (United Kingdom) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it should be talked about more openly. Death should not be viewed
as something exceptional but a part of life which everyone will
experience at some point in their life. Young people in particular
should be made more aware of death as often their anti-social
behaviour stems from their "it will never happen to me" attitude.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
People generally become closer when a death in a family happens.
Families (on the whole) support one another and for a brief moment
focus on what is really important in life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My faith and belief that there if life after death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Thinking what that person could have achieved if they hadn't died
(in the case of young people) and for others a hope that they didn't
suffer too much pain before they died.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Thu Apr 26 07:21:51 2001
F19 in Bronx, New York =United States=
Name: Melissa
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student--studying Pharmacy
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tuesday with Morrie
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
forgot........
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: internal bleeding; Aged: 75.
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--Death Is:
a process that everyone will experience someday.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young, and afraid. It was one of my parents friends who
died of cancer.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my grandfather that died, in the
hospital from internal bleeding.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how everyone came together despite differences. Talked about all
the good things we remembered about that person.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
i am not sure.....
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i have all the pictures and memories of me and that person.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Family and walks alone
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
kneeling next to the coffin to pray
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned how to handle a death of a close relative.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
how to explain it to my younger sister
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish i had the chance to say bye. No one expected it. It happened
so sudden, then doctors told us he was going to be fine.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
look towards all the positive memories that me and my grandfather
have together.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried for many days but learned that the person is still with you
no matter where they are. That is want the pictures and memories
are for.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
All the people that came to the funeral to show they cared.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
Also, when my cousin touched the dead body. I found that very
disturbing.
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Tue Apr 24 21:21:54 2001
M23 in Wickliffe, Ohio =U.S.=
Name: Susan
Email: <snaggs01=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i nsearched for online surveys
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Prof/Studies: psychology student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: liver failure; Aged: 16.
--Details:
My dog was the closest person that ever died. I felt like I was
gonna die too. We had her for 16 years and it was so hard to let go.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of bodily life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
couldn't breathe, i just denied that it happened.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My best friend's mother died last year.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how I just couldn't imagine life without her.
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to live your whole life fearing it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that she didn't have to suffer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends and family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that they are never coming back.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
that as hard as it is to be with someone who is dying, at least
they know that they are loved and you are there for them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she first died, i couldn't accept it or believe it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be with her more often.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there when we put her to sleep.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried so hard I couldn't breathe.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
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Wed Apr 25 07:56:36 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 8 ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 54.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When a person's physical body ceases to have any life, activity,
or consciousness.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother died when I was 7 years old. She was a very cold
and distant person so I did not feel a deep sense of loss.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Having really strange nightmares about him being alive again.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to be afraid of it and to comfort the person who is dying.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It made me question my own mortality and belief systems to where
I am more comfortable with death then I would otherwise be.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Time by myself out in nature
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The absolute vulnerability of this person who I loved.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Tue Apr 24 14:05:08 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 1yr ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 80ish.
--Details:
It came about kinda sudden. But when she getting towards the end
she became kinda delusional and that was hard.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The ending of our life here on this planet.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Aknowledged that there had been a death, but was too young to fully
understand it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I believe it was around 1st grade and I
was eating breakfast at the table. The phone rang, and it was my
grandma telling my father that his dad had shot himself behind the
shed at their house.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
People's diffrent reactions.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death isn't a bad thing. It's just a way of life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
for the time that i was able to spend with those who have died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Music, and time to think.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not having that person around when you needed them.
--[My Great GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
got over it eventually.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why it was that persons time to go. and when will mine be.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I've had those thoughts many times.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
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Mon Apr 23 04:21:32 2001
F19 in Brunswick, Melbourne, Victoria =Australia=
Name: Kim
Email: <bim_kim=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Bachelor of Applied Science: Psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 11 years ago.
Cause of Death: sudden heart attack, although it is suspicious; Aged: late 40's.
--Details:
Very sudden. He was not sick and we were going to visit him the
following weekend. There was also some suspicion surrounding the
doctor who saw him earlier in the day, who did not treat the symptoms
and also prescribed incorrect drugs.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
ceasing to exist on this plane of existence, the exiting of your
soul from your physical body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was when I was very young, yet it was a major factor in contributing
to my views and beliefs of the subject in my adult life. It is
something that should not be taboo; I would not have been able to
deal with death if I was sheltered from it. Personal views and the
understanding that the individual may like to form their own views
on the experience of death is vital to a healthy mind and opinion
of death.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was that my uncle died suddenly. Both my grandmothers
died before I was born, my paternal grandfather died earlier but I
barely knew him. The hardest part of dealing with the death, at the
time, was not the loss of my uncle because I did not understand
it very well, but the fact that my mother was understandably
heartbroken, and I had an awful time seeing her like that. I am
very protective of my mother, even at age 8 or 9, when this happened.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mum's face. It was the first time I have seen her cry like
that. Since then, I have only seen her cry like that once, when she,
my nephew and myself were involved in a serious car accident and
came perilously close to death. I also remember how she didn't
each vegetable soup - what she was eating when she found out -
for five years. I also remember afterwards, when she had her look
of shock and helplessness. That face I saw only once since, when I
suffered an alergic reaction, went into anaphalytic shock and stopped
breathing. Once I regained consciousness, I saw her and that face,
and it was only then that I realised how close to death I had been
for a second time in two years. It is those two faces that scare me
the most - if I was to see them, the emotions I felt at my uncle's
death would resurface, and I am not sure how I would deal with them.
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I am from the Italian culture, and I believe they force you into a
long mourning period. Yes, you surely need time to mourn the death of
someone, especially someone close to you, but the Italian belief is
to mourn that person forever, and if it was your partner, to never
marry again. I believe you should never forget someone that has
died, but I truly believe that that person would want you to enjoy
the rest of your life, as life is a very precious thing. Mourning
is necessary...but not forever. Never forget, but try to, in time,
remember the person with fondness, and celebrate their life, rather
than mourn their death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing comes to mind that I lived through, although my mum has
said that death was a relief for her mum, my nanna, as she was in
a lot of pain, and the anguish did need to stop.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
At the time of the death of my uncle, my family was
instrumental. However, a few years ago, a friend, who I had met
through other people and really only reached the basic friend stage,
committed suicide. At the time, friends who also knew him were
the most instrumental in support, as we were able to think about
the positives of him rather than just the horrible circumstances
surrounding his death
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the realisation that I myself could die, and that I would miss out
on so many things, even something as simple as rain falling, or the
sun setting. I also think about missing out on seeing my family,
nephew and friends grow and experience their lives.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
my mum told me that if I was there when someone was dying, the most
important thing is to listen to them, and to share details of your
own life as though you were sharing them with any other friend. But
most importantly, value the time you have with them - don't just go
to see them out of obligation. Dying people do not need your pity,
they need your friendship, love and companionship.
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to deal with my own pain, as well as being there for the
others in my family. Although you need time to grieve youself,
it helps when you share your feelings, and listen to others as well.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the funeral had ended and people were going to his home. I didn't
attend the funeral, I was too young, but I remember wondering,
is that it? I was confused as to how such a fulfilling life was
mourned as a group for only a few hours.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see him the weekend before, rather than planning it for the weekend
after. One last time ...
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
share the time with my family
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my Aunt showed amazing strength - if she could deal with it, so
could I.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the public display of grief. Italians are notorious for being open
with their emotions, other people thought it was very strange.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see death on tv, in movies whatever - life really is put into
perspective when you see other people going through the same pain
I have.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why does my mum and her family have to suffer again?
why did a
good man have to die?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
finally cried tears for my own pain, rather than just from seeing
everyone else in pain.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
my family is moderately religious, and at the time I was too young
to have formed my own beliefs. However, at the moment I am unsure
of which religion I believe in. I believe in God, life after death
and religious experiences and miracles - I just have not found a
faith that I fully embrace
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic - used to attend church regularly, pray before bed
each night, now I rely on my own beliefs.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the pain I felt seeing my relatives hurting. At times, it was worse
than the pain of knowing my uncle had died.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i wish I knew.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My older sister was born premature, and both she and my mother
were not expected to live. My Grandmother prayed to Saint Anthony,
the saint she turned to at hard times, and he appeared before
her. She was told that her daughter and grandchild (my mum and
sister)would be fine, yet she would not. She would die by the end
of the decade. This was in 1974. Not long after, she was diagnosed
with cervical cancer. She died in Feb, 1979.
Another experience
was with a lemon tree in my grandfather's front yard. It had
never flowered in all the years they had had it. Then it flowered
twice. the first time was when my grandmother died. The second time
was when my uncle died. My grandfather cut the tree down after that.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
As mentioned earlier, I had a severe allergic reaction and nearly
died. i didn't experience the well-known, 'white light, hovering
above' episode, however, all I remember is feeling an incredible
sense of calmness, and reality didn't seem the same. Every one
else around me was hard at work and mentioning the severity of
the situation, however, to me, I didn't feel scared or fearful,
just an incredible sense of peace. Since then, I no longer fear
death as it is, I now fear leaving things behind. I believe that
when death comes, my only worry will be having to say goodbye,
but that death itself would be a beautiful and miraculous experience.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want my uncle to know that I loved him. My mum is from a
very big family, and I was a very shy child, so I did not know him
very well. I would want to find out more about him.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I remember seeing my uncle, years after his death. It was just a
shadow on the wall that matched his profile exactly - but it gave
me a warm feeling of peace and happiness, and it was only then that
I was able to completely move on.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My own mortality is my greatest fear. There is so much I want to
complete in my life, so many things I want to see and experience
... I'm not ready to die yet and I am very scared of the thought
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I write down all the wonderful memories I have of them. Then I
write them a letter, which i keep forever, saying everything I
could possibly be feeling at the moment. At the hard times, I add
to the letter. Finally, the letter is finished when I write about
all positives and happy memories.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have used the letter writing activity in other situations:
breaking up with a boyfriend, my father's refusal to have anything
to do with me, the fighting and breakdown of a friendship.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
My mother sat me down and explained how she felt when she watched
her mum die, and also shared her beliefs.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
Even to this day I have a horrible time trying to comprehend death,
and where you go once you die. I strongly believe in an afterlife of
some sort, although I do not consider myself devoted to any one faith
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I help people to look at the good parts of the deceased's life,
rather than just the sadness of their death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It has made me think more about my own mortality, which is a
frightening experience. However, it was very helpful in looking
more closely at how I feel about death, as that is something I have
never done before. Some questions are very confusing though.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
there were about 5 questions that were too confusing as to what
you were actually looking for in an answer - those, apart from a
few that didn't apply - I left blank. However, you seem to have
covered everything about death and the experience that I know of.
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Fri Apr 20 14:09:58 2001
F19 in Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Hostess/Greeter
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More personal info:
Please don't post my generic comment information
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 8 ago.
Cause of Death: Massive Heart Attack; Aged: 26.
--Details:
I was 11 years old and had spent the summer living with him and my
Aunt (by marriage) and their 2 year old son at my grandmothers house.
He was so much fun and treated me more like an adult then anyone
else. I looked up to him and he was like my idle. Definatly my
favorite person to be around. He would take me out to McDonalds and
let me do things that my mother or grandmother wouldn't. Then one
day in August he was complaining of chest pains and I came down
the stairs holding my doll and when I got to the bottom he started
walking towards me with his hand over his chest and then got this
shocked expression and fell to the floor and died right there in
front of me. I was the most awful thing that has ever happened
to me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end. It happens when our body's can't handle life anymore.
It stops.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand. I was to young and I just thought that they
went away.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...A friend of my mothers was killed in a head
on car crash just a month after visiting us. My mothers friend
was playing chicken on the road while drunk driving and hit her
friends car head on doing about 80 mph.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
when the docter came in to tell the family that he was dead.
They
brought the whole family into a room that had leg braces and fake
legs on the wall and I thought that when the docter said that she had
some bad news I thought that she was going to say that when he fell
he broke his leg. And I wondered how he was going to work with a
broken leg.
Then when she said he was dead I couldn't believe it.
I thought that it was a cruel joke and that of course she must
be wrong. It took a while to sink in.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that you need to talk about it and better prepare young children
for it. It may be hard but its better to have an idea what death
means before it is suddenly slamed into your face.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how much it changed my point of view. I would not be the person I
am today if my uncle had not died. I don't take for granted that
I am young. I know that at no matter what age you are things
can happen and that you should enjoy your life to the fullest.
There is no time to be miserable and fighting with others.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mother. She helped me through it although she didn't understand
everything that I felt. Time alone with my self also did a great
deal for me. I had a lot to think over and work through.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that I didn't know what to say to people. I had to go back to
school to start grade 7 and none of my friends understood what I
had to deal with. They didn't seem to care because they were also
so young. I felt different from everyone else.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
strong. For yourself for them and anyone else who might be around.
Panicking is not the best answer. Try to comfort them as best as
you can and let them know that you love them.
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
grew to know myself and understand others so much better. I also
have a very high value to life and am a more peaceful person.
Generally people are petty in the things that they do and are very
hurtful towards others. You may never have the chance to take mean
things back so avoid saying them know.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had to go back to school and it was back to narmal life.
I thought
the whole world should have stopped because of what happened but
it didn't and that upset me because I felt that no one really cared.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have been more caring to others feelings. I started to push people
away no matter how much it hurt them because I didn't want to feel
the hurt of losing someone I cared about again. So I tried not
to care.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Read the poem footprints in the sand at his funeral without crying
because no one else would do it and my grandmother really wanted
me to.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
The anniversary of his death is soon.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think that my whole life would be different from what it is now.
>From the way I think and act to the place that I live.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
People seem to care when movie stars and singer die and they didn't
even know them but when someone as special as my uncle dies life
just goes on and no one even seems to notice that there has been
a huge lose.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Cried and cried and cried and shrank into myself trying to
understand.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Thankfulness.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I turned away from it at the time because I felt abandoned by god.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic/Christian
--Regarding MONEY:
It went to my aunt.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the food that people brought over to my grandmothers house.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Remembering that I thought that he was fine, that he just broken
his leg and that I thought the docter was lying.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
No matter how young you may be, if something is not right with
your body and something feels just wrong go and see a doctor.
My uncle was sure that it was just indigestion and nothing more
serious because he was only 26.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It is different for everybody and just try and support them.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Do what they wanted or if they haven't said anything do what you
truelly think that they would have wanted. We donated my uncles
eyes!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't want to know. I'm not in any hurry to die but I do enjoy
my life and would like to continue enjoying it for a long time
if possible.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Picturing my uncle happy and alive in heaven watching over me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still think that my uncle is with me and that he watches over me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was healthy. I'm ok to talk about it now and can do so openly.
I don't tell everyone that I meet but this questionarre was
considerate to those who may have more receintly lost some one and
I thought that to be very kind.
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Wed Apr 18 15:42:20 2001
F23 in Eugene, Oregon =USA=
Name: Dana
Email: <dana_boo=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
was looking up the death clock for fun.
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Prof/Studies: CNA
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More personal info:
You can post it.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: Accidental Overdose; Aged: 23.
--Details:
I heard from a friend that this friend of mine had overdosed. Alot
of people thought that it was suicide, but It wasn't... I knew
it wasn't....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Losing someone you love. Never seeing them again and feeling guilty
because they are gone, but in a better place, but all the more,
not with us.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried.... I have dealt with quite a few deaths because of my job,
and I got very close to people.... but this was my Grandma... and
I felt bad because I hadn't said stuff I should have..
--That first time, how it happened was
My Grandmother died of cancer when I was 22. I was working at a
Nursing home and my best friend had died exactally a month before,
I asked my Dad and Aunt to put Gram in the Nursing home I worked
in so I could help her. When she died, I quit my job of five years
because I couldn't handle being there
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My Grandpa, and how he took it... and seeing her... and realizing
that that was the last time I would ever see her again, how I wished
I could have stayed with her longer.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It's hard to realize that they possibly are in a better place,
you get so caught up in you're grief that you don't care about
where they are, or how they feel because you aren't there to share
it with them. We just sometimes need to realize that they wouldn't
want us to be that unhappy... and how they would perfer us to be.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When my best friend died a few years ago, I stayed with her in
her room and held her hand, just me.. and I cried, I told her
everything I ever felt for her, and how It would never be the same
without her. Then right before I left I told her I loved her and
kissed her cheek.... she kissed me back, and I will never forget
that... she knew I was there even though she wasn't awake, and she
even responded to me like she knew who I was...
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Everytime I have lost someone I write a letter to them and keep it,
it always makes me feel better putting it into words. When my friend
died recently I found out his email adress and emailed a long letter
to him, and just typing it out made me feel better.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing I would never see them again. Things would never be the
same again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I know that know matter what, when someone is dying, even if they
aren't awake anymore, they can hear you... I always just talk to
them, tell themn everything I ever waned to say to them, and I
touch them alot.... talk about memories, I would talk to my Gram
about foods she cooked, or times we went camping, and even though
she was in pain, she would watch me, and I knew that she was happy
I was there.
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
No matter what, I tell everyone I care about that I love them. Never
take anything for granted.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I got angry at my Grandma for leaving my Grandpa so unhappy.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I had my memories... I always laughed at my memories....
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Held Grandma and my best friend one more time, and told my friend
everything he had done for me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Tell them all how I feel, even when I didn't know that my friend
would die that day I told hom I loved him and gave him a hug,
I will always be grateful for that.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My friend died and now his best friend, whom I never really spoke to
before, and I have gotten close, and we are really starting to care
about eachother.... I can just see how he would respond to my actions
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Getting over it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
My friends favorite song comes on.... or I see a flower my Grandma
liked... or a certain smell....
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be happy.... I guess I wouldn't know about this life and
maybe I would ake them a little for granted still. I don't know,
but if I knew about this life.... I would be so happy, and they
would always know, how much I needed them, and loved them.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Thats it, it's just not fair. It's not fair that they can just
leave and everyone tells me how happy they are now... But I am
not! No matter how hard I try, I am not.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Scream. At God... and just ask him for one dream for each person
I have lost so I could just have one more time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
just went with the flow, I stayed by myself alot, or with those
who were going through it to, or had.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They are very caring, exzcept most of the doctors are very
uncaring.... and so I figured, as always Nurses and us Nurses Aides
care more.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Cancer... my Grandma had Cancer, and she died before Hospice could
come in... but I worked along with Hospice, when I worked at the
Nursing Home and they are very Beautiful Individuals.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I love God, but I do not go to Church... usually when someone
has died on my life, I was angry and figured Church wasn't where
I should be, not to disrespect God, but because I didn't want to
bring that in on people.
--Religious Affiliation:
I belive in God, I love God....I pray every night. But I just leave
it at that, I think that should be all that matters if you belive.
--Regarding MONEY:
It didn't.....
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How big our family was, and how alot of them really never came to
visit, but because she had died, they were there.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Seeing her in her casket without her glasses on, or a big smile....
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I know this, but you know what was weird. Because I am a Nurses Aide
in a Nursing Home, I know this... the modeling process, when the
circulation stops in thier legs.... and moves up, the higher it is,
the worse.... and the breathing... if it is rattling and sparse. But
when my Gram was dying, I was lost, I didn't know what to expect,
because for the first time, I was the family...
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I was mostly sad, I cried all the time... but there is always some
one person out there that can help you... even if you or even them,
don't know it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My Grandma kept telling everyone that Uncle Art came to visit,
and Uncle Art died 4 years before. But she swore he was ther,
and she acted as if she didn't even know he had died.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel better... I mean I will always miss them, and sometimes even
cry, but I am coping now.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
It would help me... all aound, I don't think I would be nearly
depressed. I would tell my best friend that she helped me become a
better person and really taught me how to love and loosen up. Plus
so much more, MY grandma there is so much... I would just tel;l
them everything from my heart, and to my friend, who recently died,
I would thank him for my confidence... and for being my friend.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
One of the first people that had ever died that I took care of, was
really hard on me. I cried quite a bit and just missed her, one day
I was laying down and felt kind of, light and the next thing I know
I was walking down one of the halls at work and there was a bed at
the end of the hall, she was laying on it, so I layed across her and
proceeded to tell her how much I missed her and loved her, and the
next thing I know she touched my arm and said I love you, and thank
you for everything you did for me. then she died again. when I woke
up I could still feel her, and I felt like I hadn't even been asleep.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I really just want it to be quick, I don't want to drag on. If I am
on life support I would choose the one I know would be the bravest
to pull this throuigh for me, and for them. When my Grandma died it
was hard to see her hanging on, so everyday I saw her and she was
worse, comatose, I told her it was okay to go home... we just have
to think about them, out of all the deaths, I think my Grandma's
is the one I have come to terms with the most.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
No... I am not scared. The only reason I am is because I am afraid
on how my family would take it. I would want to be here to comfort
them, and obviously I can't....
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Just the writing letter to them.... listening to songs that
helped....
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
The music, I have a song for them, and I play it everyday.... or
I look at their pictures and tell them I love them.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes.... When my best friend died, a month later, right after my
Gram died, I met a guy, who ended up being just as wondeful as her,
and the friend of mine who died last month, his best friend and I
suddenly started to get close.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
When my best friend died, I worked... alot, the more I took care
of people that needed it, the better I felt, even though it was hard.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I am now happpy, at first I was starting to cry as I filled this out,
but now.... I just came to terms with what I was really feeling.
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Wed Apr 18 15:11:12 2001
M21 in decatur, illinois =u.s.a.=
Name: benson
Email: <moonsong42=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: religious studies
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
tibetan book of living and dying, the spiritual science of
kriya yoga,
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, =at=9yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: =at=67.
--Details:
i was around 12 years of age and watched the final stages, from
memory loss, to complete insanity, to the final breath. she even
rose from her bed after her sight had been gone for several hours,
and walked torwards the light from the window, that was all a bit
scary at the moment in time, but in recollection the faith she held
throughout was the most inspiring thing ive ever truely known!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transformation of the inner spirit from this apperent form to
another momentarily unforseen form.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had little understanding of the situation.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was i had a baby niece that died after around 3
weeks of age. i didnt understand it much. i felt the pain of all
those around though, and could feel their burden
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the thick cloud that hung above everyones heart. i saw that noone
was ready for her passing. only her husband could tell her to go. she
struggled through cancer four times before she was able to surrender
her body. yet no one seemed to be able to deal with her passing.
--What I think my (u.s.a.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that is is everywhere and it is a release of some sort. instead of
hiding it away it should be celebrated with love and mindfulness. it
should be taken back into the hands of the families, not to be
taken aawy by strangers and 'professionals'.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
nature is the original creation. i think that it is the healer of
our sorrows, no matter the situation. so for me i must say that
nature has helped me through alot. times of city life i must say
that books and the support of my mother have done wonders.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the mistake of not telling her i loved her the last time i saw her
before her mental break. i contemplated my love so strongly while
watching her frail bones unable to walk or much of anything except
her occasional moan. i wanted to lay beside her and hold her and
tell her how much i loved her, yet my ego held me back. i was a
telve year old boy with so much unexplained angst at the time. she
didnt even know that i was watching her. by the next day she was in
the hospital unable to recognize even her own daughter(my mother)
so i turned my anger inward causing a guilt that still has not
completely subsided
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to let them know that it is alright to die. it is not a
punishment. and to let them freely talk about there conditions and
there coming fate. i see so many elders being denied their right
to talk of such things as their death
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my grandmothers lack of understanding, and the false thought that
she was going to live no matter how bad she was getting
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hold her as my lover. that shouldnt sound strange even though it
might. i wish i could have soothed her pains, and held her as she
truely was, a beautiful compassionate woman
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
expirience her death. it was a very horrible mooment in time,
but it has given me so much more depth emotionaly than i think id
have otherwise. it reminds me to always tell people i love them,
not matter the situation
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandfather took her hand at one point and told her that today she
would walk hand in hand with jesus, and that she would know god. he
then began to cry quite hard, that was the moment of realization
for me, so it was something very large, but something my mother
barely remembers
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i used to wonder why it wasnt her sister who would die, she was a
cigar smoker, an alcoholic, and a rather crude woman that was left
all alone as far as friends and had no kids or grandkids.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
soaked it into my soul. i cant explain exactly, it wasnt known to
me at the time, but i never did anything, it did me. i carry her
in me, thats all i really know
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
i believe that everyones heart is pure, but the balance of death
and the concept of proffesional is unappropriate and quite useless
as far as understandings go
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
for me it meant nothing, for my grandmother, it was a major source
of power and hope for a better tommaro
--Religious Affiliation:
i study all spiritual teachings that i feel have something to offer,
which they all do in some form. i mainly study yogic teachhings
such as those by yogananda, and kriyananda
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
beyond something that should be put into words
--Regarding MONEY:
tooo young to know
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the grievance among the young, it seemed like a chance to dress up
for the elders of the service
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the dead body left behind
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i true realization of the loss is found only through time, such
things as christmas, and thanksgiving will come and pass without
them, that seems to help the realization process
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Wed Apr 18 12:16:09 2001
F32 in Calgary, AB =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
I am taking a Communication Studies course through Athabasca
University in Athabasca, Alberta, Canada (computers and human
experience). Your site was one of the links for the course.
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Prof/Studies: University student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Anything by Edgar Allan Poe.
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
His works are highly morbid, but knowing that others had such
thoughts was a stabalizing realization.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 82.
--Details:
My paternal grandfather and my maternal grandmother died long
agnozing deaths of cancer. The time of death was a relief.
I didn't see my Grandfather for the last few years of his life as
I could not afford to cross the country. I did not have the money
to attend the funeral. There was dozens of family members there,
and I think I have always felt seperate from the family (even
more than before) since this time. As bad as it sounds, I think
death is good for family relations as it is a bonding and mutually
comforting experience. Those who are not part of the sharing of
grief forever feel left out of the emotional life of the extended
family and this in turn makes it much more difficult to approach
the family in times of personal need.
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--Death Is:
the end of existence. It is the time when the body ceased
to function and begins to decay. It is a seperation from your
family and friends for eternity. Death is a time of great loss
and restructuring for those people who are close to the deceased.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt helpless and bewildered. I wished I had known him better and
resented those factors which had led to our seperation. I felt
isolated and unable to turn to others as my family is not close.
Normally I am alright with being without close family relations,
but when there is a death in the family, I always feel very alone
and detached from the rest of the family who are very close. I live
on the other end of the country and do not foresee this changing.
--That first time, how it happened was
No one died in reality, actually. I recall getting up from bed to
use the bathroom. I was about 8. My father was watching a movie
on Television. I think it had Brooke Sheilds. It was not a scary
movie. I had been very sheltered from television, though, and was
not allowed to watch adult programs. I watched a few minutes of
the movie, and the scene showed a funeral. The main character's
mother had died, and they showed the coffin being lowered in to
the ground. I have no idea why, but it affected me very deeply.
I don't know what my understanding of this scene was, but I was
terrified of being buried after this, and terrified of dying.
The shot of the coffing going into that deep black hole disturbed me
for many years after.
It was also at this time that it occured to
me that my mother might die, and I worried about this for some time
afterward.
I realize this is not the type of experience you mean,
but all my other expereinces with death since then (I am 32) have
been with relatives who have lived on the other end of the country.
To this day I have not been to a funeral.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
when I was about 14 years old. I was visiting my grandfather.
His children (who were all in their fifties) were there, and all
were chain smoking, like they always did. My grandparents never
smoked, but their children did not respect this and smoked like
manaics whenever they were over. The family is close, they all
lived on the same street (some next door) and were there every day.
My grandfather was suffering from Shingles, and they had damaged
his eyes, causing a lot of pain.
I remember he went out on the
deck and tears were streaming down his face. He commented to my
mother (his daughter-in-law and the only non-smoker)about the 'damn
smoking.' I'd never heard him say a harsh word, and he appologized
right after. He was afraid to offend his children. I always hated
them after that. I blame them for his cancer. He never smoked,
always ate right, never drank, and was not sick a day in his life.
AFter that I felt great pain that they cared so little, and were
so ill-bred as to smoke in another person's home. This might not
be the kind of experience you are looking for, but although I saw
my grandfather twice after this, it is all I can remember.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
let people grieve. We always want to stop people from feeling pain,
and I think this is damaging. It is understandable that if someone
is still distressed weeks later, they should seek counselling or
medication, but a period of intense grief is so healthy and so
neccessary. People should stop saying innane things like "he is
in a better place," or "he is with God now." These may be true,
but they are designed to shut down grief, and when you say this,
you belittle someone elses grief. Don't be afraid of other's pain.
Learn to be with them, and not try to help all the time. Just be
there and let them know you care. That is enough.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
when death released my grandmother from her tremendous pain and
humiliation from her long battle with cancer. she had a great 80
years before the cancer struck - death was no tragedy.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
nothing I can recall. You have to help yourself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the guilt that we were estranged. That guilt never ends, because
you never get another family.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just be there. Don't try to console, just say how you feel about
them. Let them be where they are comfortable. For some people
(Like the very old), being in the hospital is a traumatic and
horrible experience. If nothing can be done, let them be home,
even if the end comes a little sooner.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
death is not always a curse. Quality of life is important. No one
wanted Grandma to die, and the doctors id surgery after surgery
and test after test, but her quality of life had ceased to be good.
If nothing can be done, death is a release. The good times before
illness are what matter, no just the fact that someone is alive.
People who oppose euthanasia for a suffereing loved one want to
control death and are thinking more of themselves. I understand
this, but we have to put our own feelings second.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it was over.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was not that close to it. I have nothing to relate on this topic.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
it is regret. I regret never having enough money to visit my family.
Now there is only one left. Living far apart leaves a hole in
your life.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
consolation - assurances that they are now at peace, or that the
feelings will pass. Often the consoler seems so uncomfortable
with grief that you feel you must put on a happy face to put them
at ease. If you are not able to see people grieve, stay away until
a later time. Send a nice card, and invite them to call you when
they are ready.
Please realize that not everyone is religious,
and if they are not, constant talk about God at this time may make
them uncomfortable. Death is not the time to start contemplating
faith or to push it on others. If you already have faith, then
certainly it is a great comfort.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I miss the possibility of what could have been, even more than
what was. Death is the end of possibilities, and that is what we
regret most.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that all my loved ones have suffered such long and painful
illnesses. Most have died of colon cancer and have had intense
pain and several surgeries. Death often takes months or years.
I have one grandmother left, and she is quite a healthy 92 year old.
As much as sudden death is a shock for the survivors, for her sake
I wish for it.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
change how things were back then.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
realized that a part of my life, and the opportunity for the
relationship I always wanted was gone forever. I realized also
that there would be many more such losses, and that it is vitally
important to take stock of those people who cannot be replaced and
make the most of the time you have.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disdain. They prolong suffering and hold back so much information.
They don't know how desperatley we want information, even if it
is not bad, or even if it is a descritpion of what some pills are
actually for. If there is something we can do, we want to know.
Often they hold back bad news. They say it is a kindness, but I
think doctors are just protecting themselves from a bad scene.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
she would have felt so much better at home.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
guilty feelings when my religious relatives talked about it all
the time.
--Religious Affiliation:
I believe in God, but not any religion. I believe that we all have
to accept that things happen in this world that we cannot change or
explain, and living well is no guarantee that you will not suffer.
Something bad could happen to any of us, so we must exploit the
good times all we can.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
death is the end...
I really don't have any idea.
--Regarding MONEY:
money is a big concern. It is devastating to have to wonder if you
can afford a nice funeral, because you want to provide the best.
Funeral homes try to sell you things you don't need. They sold
my grandmother a concrete grave liner so the elements would not
touch her husband. To anyone lucid, this is a waste of money.
Nothing is more natural than returning to the earth. But to the
bereaved, the thought of decay is extremely upsetting. I think
funeral homes take great advantage of this. This is natural,
they are running a business. This is why the arrangements should
be made before illness or death strike.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I have never attended a funeral. I really wish I had.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Missing him so much, when I hardly knew him at all.
I missed
what could have been as keenly as I missed what was. People often
don't understand the pain of the loss of possiblities and might
belittle such feelings.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
psychological. The person seems ready to die, or too exhausted to
go on.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I've never heard of any of my loved ones having this type of
experience.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nothing...
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Poorly. My grandparents saw their other grandchildren almost
every day. They were such a close family and all lived on the same
street. May father was the only one to move accross country, so I
was the only one who did not have a relationship with the family.
There is nothing that can change that now.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
it would just be wonderful to talk to him again and tell him that
I loved him and wanted to know him better.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I would so welcome a visiting of this kind, but it has never
occured.
It must be lovely to know that the spirit continues in
this way...
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Make certain you are thinking of what the dying person needs, not
what you need. We fear death and loss, and sometimes people seem
to make decisions based on that fear. Often such decisions prolong
suffering.
Also, don't argue about these matters. Nothing could
hurt they dying person more than to see people arguing about them.
This is the time to embrace each other.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'd regret that I have done so little with my life. I have many
things I would like to change and make up for. I would hope than
when I find out I am dying that I will feel more accomplished.
If I were to die suddenly, however, none of that would matter.
I am more afraid of the death of my parents or my husband.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
isolation. some crying. reflection. acceptance that there is
nothing I can do to make it better. acceptance is the big one.
you can't fight the pain.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am now more aware that life will move on whether I participate
or not. The only true thing in this world is:
Everything changes
with time.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
I discussed this with no one and dealt with childhood fears alone.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
My family never encouraged discussion of unpleasant or serious
topics, so many fears lingered for far too long.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just knowing that they were there. I never heard from any of
my family. I'd like to know that they remembered that I was his
grandchild too.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me realize that I have a lot of guilt and regret which I
thought was over with.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
You ask a lot of questions directed at people who are close at
hand for a death experience, but you don't ask about those who
must cope with it from a distance. This can be just as hard, when
you have to hear about the progress of the illness over the phone.
It is difficult when you cannot see for yourself. There is a lot
of guilt if you cannot be there. It think a lot of people are
in this situation. Dealing with it from a distance is not easier,
as you might think. People who are with the dying person usually
have others around them for support. Those who cannot be there
often have no support.
I think you have left out a very common
and significant experience here.
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Wed Apr 18 08:34:12 2001
F39 in Peterborough, Ontario =Canada.=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Death and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elizabeth Kubler Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 24 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 59.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a part of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was only 16 and unprepared for it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father died of cancer when I was 16. He
was the sole support earner and that put my Mom and I in a very
tough position financially.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the complete sense of hopelessness.
--What I think my (Canada.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Ministers showing up on your door when you are not spiritually
inclined is not helpful.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I became closer to my Mother.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my boyfriend, soon to be fiancee.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Being left.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
He kept getting sicker and sicker and the hospital kept sending
him home.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hug him more.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help my Mom.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
visiting the cemetary.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the religious service.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
it's the anniversary of the day he died.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have completed Grade 13 and gone onto university, because
there would have been money for it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
for someone that young to die.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have gone to university.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried a gallon of tears.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
not enough.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
VON women are great.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not much
--Religious Affiliation:
Anglican
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
just about right
--Regarding MONEY:
we had to scimpt and save in order to keep the house.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
three days and three nights of visitation is too hard on the
surviving family.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
showing up at the funeral home every day.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loss of a great deal of weight
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
crying cleanses the soul
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
How much they loved me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My Dad's wish was for three days and three nights of visitation,
and that was very hard on my family.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would travel and do as much as possible before the time came.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
visiting the gravesite as often as possible.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I married my boyfriend who was with me when my Dad died.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
Support of family and friends was extremely important.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
We did not have a great deal to do with the church so spiritually
I was alone.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it puts it in perspective
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Wed Apr 18 08:26:08 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
research for my psychology class
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Self (impending), 3 wks ago.
Cause of Death: an suv; Aged: 19.
--Details:
she was going to work when a car didnt see her and ran over her
killing her and her 6 month old unborn child
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--Death Is:
something sad that eventually happends to everyone you no longer
are able to see that person again
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt like a part of me had died i could no longer be the same person
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather passed away just before i
turned 15 he was like a second father to me
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mom was very sad and cried often i didnt want to cry because
my grandfather had told us not to cry because he wanted to be at
peace and he wouldnt if he saw how much we cried for him
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
people go to a better place were they will not hurt like they did
when they were alive
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my grandfather will no longer suffer or scream because of how bad
his pain was
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
me reflecting on his life and all the good things that we shared
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that it would be a very long time till i saw him again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
dont turn your back on them
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
everybody will leave and you should always cherish every moment
you spend withthem
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the funeral was happening
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have had spend more time with my grandfather
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was happy that my grandfather was at ease
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
crying and talking to people
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
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Wed Apr 18 08:26:05 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 2 yeras ago.
Cause of Death: I'm not sure; Aged: I'm not sure.
--Details:
I work at a nursing and one of the residents died. Cora Bolton was
like a grandmother to me. I loved her very much. It hurt to see
her die.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is a very tragic topic. Death can be painful or not. Most
of the time pain is the number 1 issue. Death takes the lives of
the innocent and the bad. Whether it's at the right time or at the
wrong time. For most people, like the sick or the mentally ill,
it's better to end their suffering. For those, like babies, kids
or teens, young adults, who haven't lived.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried a lot because my grandma died.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was washing dishes when I heard the phone
ring. My dad went to answer the phone when I felt a cold chil run
down my spine. He told me to rinse the last glass becaus he needed to
talk to me. At that time, my mom was in Mexico because my grandma was
sick. My dad began to talk to me about sick people. When he asked me
if I'd rather let a loved one or a friend to die with pain, or die
quick, I knew something was wrong. He then told me that my grandma
had passed away. I just broke down and I cried for the whole night.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that my sister was young, but she wasn't that affected by it.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the way it brought family together
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that they would no longer be with me any more
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
never to distance yourself from someone who is dying
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dealt with her death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I asked why she was gone.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt like I needed her more than ever, and that death is very cruel.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
Actually talking about the situation and why it's actually the
best thing.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
People avoiding the topic of death.
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Wed Apr 18 05:03:47 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandFather, 7yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 72.
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...
My Grandpa who we were very close with got
a mole on his back which grew into cancer
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Tue Apr 17 10:31:30 2001
F17 in Grand Junction, Michigan =USA=
Name: Marion Vernier
Email: <mvernier=at=gurlmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--That first time, how it happened was
My step-brother died by getting hit by a car.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Mon Apr 16 22:07:17 2001
F25 in LA, CA =USA=
Name: Kelly
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: retail/student-psychology
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
reaching to heaven
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
james von pragh
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1yr ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 80?.
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--Death Is:
A rebirthing to a place that's magnificent and full of the highest
emotions of love, saftey and peace. There is no pain and your
thoughts get to flow freely to one another. Your daily activities
are fun and full of excitment. Its your home and you wait your
whole life to get back.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
When I entered the funeral parlor and saw him and I lost it-I was
bawling and the tears wouldn't stop. I left to calm down and then
later stood in the back.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My best friends brother died of cancer and
1 year later so did his dad.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the lady offering me candy-thinking that would make me feel better.
My other friend Nicole crying with me in the bathroom. I couldn't
understand why I was crying?
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that its ok and we should celebrate instead of feeling sad and
horrible inside.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
somethingor someone is always reborn.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
at the time my friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the people around that felt just as bad. I felt there sadness
along with mine.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
try not to say much.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
did feel better-with time.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was 16 and I didn't think about it until my friend and it made
me angery.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
nothing.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
understand more about the afterlife.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
found it hard to believe.
--Religious Affiliation:
past- catholic
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have a a few dreams with my grandfather.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
peace
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
when they die-they die-its all good.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am ready to go and I think if I knew the day I would die would
make me feel alot of anxiety.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
meditating, walking, thinking about things that need to be faced.
Not thinking about difficult times doesn't make them go away.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Thinking more about afterlife and death helps bring peace and
strength. Also higher intuition.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
never thought about it
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I would help by telling them its going to take time but everything
will work its way out.
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Sat Apr 14 15:42:30 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, yrs ago.
Cause of Death: terminal illness; Aged: 60.
--Details:
My grandfather is perhaps the most important influance in my life.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
to lose conciousness and feeling for eternity.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and I didn't have a close relationship with the
person.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My great grandmother died at the age of 63
due to health complications.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the pain bestowed on the family members due to the slow and painful
death of my grandfather.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That perhaps there isn't life and eternal peace after death as we
hope and believe.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the enlightenment bestowed upon me that life is a precios gift.
We should strive to live life to it's fullest. Each life effects
another; we should appreciate and care for those who care for us.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
inner-strength and simply realizing whats truely important in
my life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
witnessing someone who I deeply loved and cared for slowly
deteriorate and suffer to the very end. I was distressed that
there was absolutely nothing that could be done to help him.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
the death of someone close to you is devastating and only time will
heal old wounds.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
changed my entire outlook on life. I've reevaluated what I want
out of life and realized that what most important are the people
who you love and care for, and likewise.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my grandfather first became ill. I was living in denial.
I didn't truley see that this was the beginning of the end.
In my grandfather's case, death didn't occur over night, it was a
slow process. It was the day to day living and knowing that this
person is at the end of their life and coping with that depression.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
even in the occurance of death, life prevails.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to provide the kind of care that my grandfather needed, that I
had more strength.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
move on with life.That in the course of this tragedy, I was somehow
enlightened to work harder for what I now realized what was most
important in my own life.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I realized the genuine goodness and compassion in others.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
All of the unimportant aspects of everyday life which so many people
find so important, but in reality these things don't matter in the
big schemes of things.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I saw my grandfather suffering and knowing that he knew that this
was the end of his life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that this is happening to my loved one. However, death is the only
guarentee in life for everyone and everything.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became depressed. The reality of life and death finally hit me.
Life is so precious and that death doesn't spare anyone or anything.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
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Sat Apr 14 14:58:51 2001
M14 in centehill, florida =u.s.a.=
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
my friends told me about this site!
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 78.
--Details:
n/a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a peaceful thing where you will go to heaven and it is very
peaceful there.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
the first time i experienced death with a family member was about
5 years ago with my grandmother.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... when my family members were sick they were in
the hospital, the died in the hospital too. so i don't like hospitals
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
she was in the hospital, and i wanted to see her,but the nurses
would not let me go see her i started crying because i wantes to
see her and they wouldn't let me.
--What I think my (u.s.a.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not a painful feeling.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my family members and friends are in a better place because they
are not in pain or they are not suffering anymore.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i went to school and my teachers would talk to me and help me
understand some things abut death that i had a hard time dealing
with.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
i wish they were back here with me
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
spend as much time with the ones you love as you can!
--[My idol's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was crying for 3 days because i could not believe he had died
so early in his life like he did.he died doing what hee loved
to do,racing.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was in 4th grade and my grandmother passed away.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is not funny for people to die, it is really painful expecially
when it is a family member or a very close friend.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there beside my grandmother when i wanted to because i have been
around her all of my life.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk to her as give her a hug before she went in the hospital.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was understanding why people die, it is a part of life.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
my friends at my schoo helped me deal with the deeath in our family
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Thu Apr 12 16:40:42 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
www.search.com
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: old age and knemonia; Aged: 70.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the body cannot continue working anymore. It runs out of "fuel".
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and cried for about a week every time I thought about it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My next door neighbor died. We were very
good friends.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my grandma crying so much.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
to talk about it more.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my Grandad went to heaven and didn't suffer much.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my Mom.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the memories, and seeing my Granddad's bed without him in it.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned just how much he ment to me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
give support to my Grandma.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at pictures of him
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had to die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Almost burst out in tears, but my cousin was there and he was just
like Oh well so I didn't want to embarras myself.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
Trying to forget about it
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
Rembering all the fun times I had with that person.
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Thu Apr 12 13:35:52 2001
F34 in Nacogdoches, Texas =USA=
Name: M
Web: http://WWW.geocities.com/mcaslanart
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
just surfing
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Prof/Studies: Artist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2.5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: stroke/old age; Aged: 70+.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an unknown journey beyond the flesh.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was five years old. My Grandfather (Dad's father) died. I remember
the graveside service and smiling at my Dad who smiled back at me. I
couldn't understand why my Grandmother was crying and upset. That
upset me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...
My grandfather died when I was five.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
singing songs and sitting with my Grandmother and family in the
nursing home while waiting for her to pass. It was a slow process
for my Grandmother--her body was just giving out--she had lost
her communication skills a long time previous and it finally came
down to a matter of her body letting go of its physicality. It was
a special time, even though it was hard and sad, I feel good that
we joined as a family and were able to make it as much of a joyous
and spiritual occasion as we could. We celebrated my Grandmother's
life in the midst of her passing.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not the end. We pay lip service to that idea, but I
don't think we truly embrace it. Death is such an unknown. We are
very touchy and fear-filled when it comes to death. (I am American,
Protestant religious background).
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that the death of a loved one brings together those of us who are
still here. It is an opportunity to strengthen the bonds of love
that hold us all together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family and my partner's love and support. I gained a lot of support
for myself by supporting others.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the idea of physical separation from them. (Them not being there/here
anymore).
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
that it is important for both of you. I have avoided some friends'
preparation for death out of my own uncomfortableness and fear
and have regretted it. I believe that "being there" for death is
as important (or more) as "being there" for friends' weddings,
childbirths, etc.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is perfectly normal. Why should we think that death and its
rituals are any different than any other human occasion? Why
shouldn't there be joy surrounding death? I feel that joyful laughter
is one of the better responses to a death situation. I think that
if I were dead and everyone were so sad and somber, I would whisper
jokes and tickle ribs if someone needed it. Laughter is just as
natural a stress releaser as crying or raging in the face of death.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
some people trying to be too polite and overly sympathetic. Just as
it would feel bad if people were to act indifferent and aloof as to
your feelings, it is almost as bad when people change character and
feel as if they need to walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting you.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
hospice is excellent. They are caring and empathetic and very
knowledgable about the process. They make the transition so much
easier.
--Religious Affiliation:
current: openmindedness, searching...
past: Presbyterian
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a withdrawing from the physical, neither eating nor drinking--the
person is garnering energy from Spirit needed to pass into the next
phase of life (death). I saw one of my Grandmothers as beautiful
and shining shortly before she died. It was just a flash, but in
that flash she looked to me like I imagined she would look as a
young girl.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
One of my friends who was dying from cancer experienced a vision
in which he said he saw people he knew from the other side.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
not understanding what was going on, feeling hurt and scared because
others hurt.
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Thu Apr 12 09:56:39 2001
F25 in boston, ma =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: health care
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of CoWorker, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: ?.
--Details:
It wasn't actually my co-worker, just a stranger on the street,
an old woman died in front of me at the ice skating rink by
Rockefeller Center. I took a medical leave and didn't return to
work for 6 months, it spiraled my already existing depression.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
death is a passing from this physical body - an end of a life stage
and the beginning of another
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was mystified about where the lifeforce or spirit went
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather passed away
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how people wanted me to just "get on" with life like nothing happened
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to take care of spirits in the afterlife - asian cultures
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
seeing my little cousin take my grandfather's hand at the viewing
with no fear
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
performing asian rituals which took care of the spirit after death
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
already going through depression at the time
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
this too shall pass - it might not seem like it now, but keep
repeating this and it helps
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
still believe in an "afterlife"
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the body had to go into the ground for the funeral - couldn't
watch it
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i didn't laugh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my grandfather one last time and be able to communicate in the
same language as he does
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have family there to support me
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the actual funeral, it is too strange
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
family line
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think about how many people just walked by when the lady died
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would know more about the person
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that certain people have such hard lives while others do not
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have a real guardian angel
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
began to watch for clues that this person was still in my life
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
easing the suffering
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
how ineffective medicine is on life
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
an organized religion, spirituality is personal and its development
within yourself and not through an organization is more important
in my view
--Religious Affiliation:
christian with buddhist tendencies
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
more comfortable
--Regarding MONEY:
not applicable - no effect
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i didn't want to see the funeral itself
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
funeral
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
you can't predict or understand death
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
feel good that you were able to help out and share some of the last
moments of this persons life
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
it's great, if it makes the person more accepting of their conditions
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i almost died and i was baptized four days after my car accident
because i knew that i was truly not alone in that car
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
god
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
am i making you proud
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
just the feeling that someone is watching out for me
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
they should be taken care of to a point
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i know that i am mortal, i have been diagnosed with cancer, i just
know that my relationship with god will be important in the end
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talking to god
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
none
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
just a friend to listen and support
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
interesting, a little emotion-provoking
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
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Thu Apr 12 01:29:49 2001
M17 in Sisters, Oregon =United States=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
I Have Been Thinking A Lot About Death And Just Found This Site
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Prof/Studies: Glazer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer and Heart Failure; Aged: 31.
--Details:
To My Personal Belief Drugs May Have Been A factor
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A Giany Obstical, Hard To Climb or Get Around. A Time Of Sad
Incoprehencable Greivence. A Time To Be Thankful For A Person For
"Going To A Better Place". Also A Time Of Great Pian And Heart
Ache, Knowing No Matter What You Will Never Phisically See This
Person Again
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was Kinda Young And Didn't Really Understand or Grasp The Seriousness
Of The Situation. Though The Second I Was Older And Didn't Understand
How This Could Happen To Someone So Young Health And Close.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
All My Friends Crying, Hurting Inside While The One It Should Of
Affected The Most Seemed OK With It. Though A Couple Days Later I
Believe It Hit Him. Death Has A Funny Way Of Doing That
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
No Matter What Life Goes On. For How Long, No One Knows.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
All he Good I Have Done, Even Though I've Done Some Pretty Bad
Things. I Believe Life Has A Way Of Balencing Out Good And Bad. And
As Of Late I Personally Have Been Leaning Toward The Good
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Myself And Thoughs I Have That I Don't Hide That I Bring Into Plain
Veiw Of My Life Dealing With Them And Moving On
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Just Not Seeing Them Everyday, Not Being Able To Slap Hands, Talk
And Hang Out
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Having The Knowledge That They Could Go At Any Time. Knowing That
They Know They Could Go At Any Time. But Moving Past That And Just
Staying True
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Learned To Deal With Out Ever Stoping The Thoughts, Just Filltering
The Bad Ones A Remembering The Good Ones
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
How "God" Could Take Such Healthy Loved Innocent People
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Humor Is The Medicine For All Wounds, And Laughing Helps Even The
Hardest Of Times Get Better
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I Wish I Could Have Said I Love You To Those Who Died Before
It Happened
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Recover, Get Past, And Go On
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
It happens To Everyone Eventually It'ss Happen To Me Just Like
Everyone Else
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Over Morning
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Its Brought Up In A Conversation, or When I See Things That Directly
Relate To That Specific Loved One
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My Best Friend Has Goten In A Lot Of Trouble Since The Death Of His
Fater(Who Was Also A Good Friend Of Mine And To Others) And If He
Was Still Alive I KNOW My Friend Wouldn't Be In As Much Trouble
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
For All These Good People With Good Lives To Die, While There Are
So Many Bad People Out There That Just Keep Going
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk To Them One More Time, Make Sure Everything Is Good And Say
Everything I Never Had A Chance To
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Thought About It A Lot About What Its Like How It Fells ANd If
There Really Is A Heaven And Hell
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I Am Athiest, But At The Timr I Was Christian, And The Church Didn't
Really Help It Just Brought The Point Back Up
--Religious Affiliation:
Current Athiest
Former Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
All My Loved Ones Who Have Died Are Still With Me And Many Others
And Forever Will Be That Way
--Regarding MONEY:
I Hate Money Money Is Root Of All Evil And Hatred
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Almost A Sence Of Reliefe Since All Family Was There ToBe There
For Everyone
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Trying To Understand Whats Next
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The Way People Start To Talk And Gove Up Hope In Whats Important
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Knowing Whats Ahead And Not Eccpecting A Mirical, But Mabey Hoping
For One
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Dreams Are What I Believe A Playground For The Unreal To Become Real
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Remembering Good Times
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
Talking About All The Peopl That Have Died With A Friend
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Wed Apr 11 08:48:03 2001
F40 in Ashland, KY =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Audiologist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 68.
--Details:
He did not want to go the way he went in ICU on vent. Had he been
given honest answers by dr and my brother who blocked DR from being
honest he might have chosen hospice and had choices.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A movement between this life and the next assuming your actions in
life are not so evil as to send you on a fast trip to hell
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Didn't know much. It was inappropriate to discussit with kids and
since I was 7 all I knew was something awful that you were not
allowed to discuss had occured and someone I loved was bound in
it. then three months later it happened again.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandparents dying within 3 mo of each
other the year I was 7
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Leaving hospital after dad died driving down interstate looking
at watch and realizing it was about the right time for Dad to be
hitting the afterlife.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
honesty and discussion whatever your age is better than lies
distortions and silence.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My boss and a coworker driving through floods to be at wake and a
friend of dad's who remained for family rosary even though he was
technically anti catholoic and left weeping.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
prayer and odd dreams
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
finding out that my brother, instead of being honest with Dad and the
family took it upon himself to tell Dad his chances with surgury were
50% when in reality they were 10% and as a result dad spent six weeks
in a coma. He would have died anyway but given the real facts the
choice should have been DADS not made by someone else in isolation.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Even though Dad was comatose I sat by his bed and told him honestly
what his chances and choices were. I suggested he talk it over with
God and decide. A week later the hospital recommended turning him
off. He got the info made a decision.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
stuck up for his rights even though he was unconscious. My brother
was buried in guilt my sister grasping at straws. I had discussed
with Dad what he wanted and headed off several options based on that
information. Knowing the wishes of the individual and carrying them
out, even if you disagree is the greatest gift you can give another.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The doctor would only talk to my brother (The cocaine addict) because
he was a man and refused to give info to me or my sister because "You
should talk to your brother" It was not until I threatened to sue the
doctor over Mike's misinterpreting and revising what he was told,
were we part of process. We were trying to make family decisions
based on that information. Mike listened to doctor then told us
what he wanted to hear or he somehow thought we wanted to hear.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
For me it wasn't laughter but absolute numbness that made me say
golly he's dying and I'm not anymore upset than THIS?
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have known what was going on with grandparents
Or knowing Dad
made his own decisions on honest information even if it was wholely
negative
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
When Mom was dying I asked the doctor how long with my idiot brother
trying to shut me up. When the doctor refused to answer I said
"Doctor my sister, who lives in Louisiana (1000miles)is planning
a trip up in August. Should she hold to that plan or do you think
she should come sooner?" When the doctor hummed and said sooner we
called my sister immediately she and Mom's sister came to visit and
mom died two weeks after the visit. My family was always grateful
that I stood up and demanded some honesty it helped us realize
end was near, it helped my sister and aunt and it helped mom who
cleared her soul and was ready for what God wished of her. Had I
not spoken up it would have been more of a shock.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we gathered to say rosary over Dad's corpse
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The funeral it was just a day
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Anniversaries hit or things come up , like Cubs games or the smells
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
well I did have that dream 4 months later. My sister hauled me up on
the elevator to heaven. My brother wandered past, we never saw mom,
my brother in law checked on everyone and I sat on the threshold
of heaven and refused to go a step further until Dad showed. Which
was a lot like life actually!
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It wasn't death that made me say that but life!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Have someone close to talk to, not just when my brother in law
checks in.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and checked library for resources
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
IF THEY HAD BEEN HONEST WITH THE PATIENT AND WITH ALL FAMILY MEMBERS
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I would have loved to have been able to use them
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
well that was a wild snafu as my Dad was married to a wild mental
patient and we had trouble finding any minister to bury Dad and
finally got some man none of us had ever met or have seen since! I
felt the church let us down
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we live on two levels and when we die we more directly experience
the second
--Regarding MONEY:
following Dad's expressed wishes, and the joke about 'supersizing'
the casket which the funeral director just hated to mention cost
more. He danced around issue until my sister said "OH you need to
supersize it" (After all Dad was 6-3 and 270 what do you expect?)
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the wake when people stood up to say what Dad meant to them
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
my boss dying exactly the same way three months later
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
internal acceptance of situation
that marbled look on a person
who's about to go.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
what helped most was the book and realizing where I was in process
and what I might expect.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
well I had the dream of passing from Limbo to pergatory and hail
hail the gang (excepting mom) is here. Where mom was I have no idea.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Mom had one after her heart stopped where she saw her parents the
children who were gone and her older brother. It was then some
twenty years after his death in WWII she accepted he was indded
dead and not in some Japenese or Chinese prison.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Ithink that if you and the deceased had a good open honest
relationship you dont grieve as much, because you want what is
best for them, and to want to hold on against the persons wishes
and Gods will is only selfish.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Even if I were in such a state I doubt I'd find much to say.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Well I did this when my boss was sick, shoving her husband into
a just in case conversation.
And mentoring a good friends family
after a car wreck put her in critical and killed their dad.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'd want honesty but knowing once you are dead How you died is
irrelevant no matter how horribly I might die I know once its over
it wont matter.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Charting out grief process doing a novena (9days of prayer)
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
not really because I dont see a change
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
To me it was seeing my best friend deal with my sister whom she
had never met.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I think like my dads housecleaner who offered her home for the three
of us to sit and talk over options instead of using hospital benches.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think just stating the old "honesty is the best policy" after all
death is a part of life so disguising it lying about it concealing
it only leads to trouble.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I very much enjoyed this and I wish I'd found it three years ago!
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Tue Apr 10 03:53:26 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 9 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: age; Aged: 67.
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--Death Is:
when the body can take no more and just stops working
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt guilty because I always wanted to know what it felt like
and thought that people might think I wanted it to happen. I just
couldn't accept the fact that this person was gone for ever.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died suddenly. She had been
in hospital but everything was fine as far as I knew so it was
completely un-expected.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
wondering how many of the people there were genuinely grieving
and how many were coming out of the woodwork having not seen her
for ages.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I realised how much my Granny was loved and appreciated
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
having my cousins around. We were all children and dealt with it
in a different way to the adults.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
coming to terms with the fact that I'd never see her again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them know you love them, but do that all the time and not just
when you think their time is up.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was waiting with my family to view the body in the morgue and
I caught my cousin's eye. We both burst out laughing. I think now
that for me, seeing so many people standing around looking sad was
too intense for me and I got nervous. I laughed at the silliness
but I know now I just couldn't handle the situation.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let her know how much I love her
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get to know her and see her one last time the day before she died.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
When we went to her house after she died, and I saw a half finished
cardigan she had been knitting. It struck me then that there were
so many things we just leave unfinihed when we die. My granny had
no idea when she stated it, that she'd never finish it, and that
scared me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
All the distractions following the funeral delayed getting back
into a normal routine, and so delayed having to face ordinary life
without her.
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Mon Apr 9 09:14:23 2001
M24 in Williston Park, New York =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Dietary Aide
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: Car Accident; Aged: 25.
--Details:
Ejected from rear seat of vehical in a one car accident.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The loss of a person you care about.They are physically removed
from this world and move on to their after life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Promised myself I would forget everything.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...4 days after 12th birthday,mother died from
brain cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
People telling me how well I was handleing it all.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Teach it earlier in a child's life, teach it as a positive thing-a
celebration of life rather than mourning a death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Guilt and anger.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
Forgot most everything to do w/the time period
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
Father&Brother.
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Sun Apr 8 23:23:11 2001
F18 in Crystal Lake, IL =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Assignment due in Psychology
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: unknown; Aged: 7yrs.
--Details:
My dad killed my cat and won't tell us how.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like losing someone or something in your life that means a lot to you
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to realize what was going on
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandma died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how we never got to say good bye and we had questions no one
could answer
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
if you are religious, God works in mysterious ways or why that person
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it stopped the suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never getting to say goodbye and having questions
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
people talk about their loved ones who haven't died and mine did
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why did it happen to me
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back time
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
God made the person feel better and we would all meet in heaven
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
good, that everyone has something to relate to
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was very small and people were laughing
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the ability to have a good time after the person passed on
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
talk about death, obvious physical change, and living everyday like
it is their last
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
tell them and ask them things I was scared to say before
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my friend swears that her grandma comes and talks to her in her
dreams
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I hope people think that I was a great person and I would want my
wishes taken care of regardless of what they think I would want
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I knew I was dying I would try to tell everyone things that
I felt they needed to hear and get all of that off my chest and
hopefully theirs before I go
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I don't like to hold grudges
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
we all get along better
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I didn't really know her
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me to express things that I can't really talk about
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Sun Apr 8 03:44:28 2001
F23 in Hong Kong, =China Hong Kong=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
searched for subject "Death Psychology" in Yahoo.com
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Prof/Studies: BA undergraduate
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a completion of life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to understand it
--That first time, how it happened was
natural death of my 80 year old grandpa.
--What I think my (China Hong Kong) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not something to be afraid of and it is not a way of escaping
from reality. Death is something we need to bravely face and try
to make it the best completion of our lives.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Fri Apr 6 09:32:31 2001
F28 in carlisle, cumbria =england=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
stumbled accros it
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 6 ago.
Cause of Death: not completely sure; Aged: 49.
--Details:
very sudden and rare complication with an old operation on a Hernia,
toxins leaked into her body and caused heart failure.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when someone does not exist anymore
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasn't that bothered as I didn't really know them, I was sad as he
was part of my life
--That first time, how it happened was
it was my step grandad, when i was about 12 years old
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling empty and sad and trying to appear happy when i was feeling
awful inside, very insecure about friends liking me - thought some
of them didn't care
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I knew my mother and she knew I loved her and I knew she loved me
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my boyfriend
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that it shouldn't have happened/ it was so rare
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
loved her and was totally honest with her
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it first happened
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
invite my mother to my wedding (whenever that may be)
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have a good relationship with her
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
60-70's music come on the radio or I here certain songs, or when
I'm at my parents house and it feels very empty without her
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it'd be the same only i'd be able to share things with her
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and got angry
--Religious Affiliation:
None
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there were many people there and she was obviously loved by a lot
of people
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
have had dreams where she thinks its funny that she's dead and I
cuddle her but she's not real and it's horrible.
Other times it's
nice to see her
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I enjoy putting on old clothes and doing the garden, just like
she did. I also can see her face in mine which is great and makes
me happy
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Fri Apr 6 04:04:20 2001
M25 in Lake View Terrace, CA =United States of America=
Name: Matthew
Email: <dpb01=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: student - english major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: Age.; Aged: 87+.
--Details:
He had been struggling with emphysyma and cancer. At the time he
had very little awareness of the world. My mother and I visited with
him only a few hours before he died. He was my paternal grandfather,
and there was a period of time during which I stayed with him, doing
for him what he could not do for himself, while my grandmother was
in the hospital.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The utter end of our life. Death means that we cannot move, think,
or have any sensation, including thought, whatsoever. Death is an
absolute physical end for a human being as an individual, changing
a sentient being into a inert corpse. No current human technology
can reverse the effects of death.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I saw a photograph of a man that had shot himself in the head.
It was not a detailed photograph. The man was a stranger. I was
a child, and was mertely "grosses out" by what I saw, a grayish
man with a dark, though fairly small, hole in his head.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was a photograph of a man that had shot himself in the head.
I did not know him.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
... is that I felt no need to cry.
--What I think my (United States of America) culture needs to better learn about death is:
... is that the state of death is utter nothingness, the lack of
all sensation. It's even less than the non-awareness of being in
deep sleep.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
... nothing... or perhaps that there was one less person I cared
about that was suffering. I'm hardly grateful for that, because
there are others that suffer because of the death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I did not need support.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
... giving support to those that needed it, and the traces of guilt
I felt from not feeling very much grief.
--[My dog's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
... realized that owning a pet such as a cat or a dog is uniwse
for most people. With such an animal, a person runs the risk of
emotional attatchment with a being that has no hope of living as long
as that person. Conversely, a dying person with a pet is not aided
by the worry about what will happen to Rover once his master is gone.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Looking back, I'd say that I'm most confused by the fact that it
was the death of the first family dog that hurt the most. She had
cancer, and we fought it for a while. But it was pointless, and we
had her euthenized. I was there with my mother when the vet injected
the drug. I was there when she stopped breathing.
Perhaps that
had the greatest effect on me because it was the only death I've
ever witnessed. For when that dog's daughter died in the night
(something I did not witness), and I carried her body to the truck
that was to take her away, I felt far less grief.
--Religious Affiliation:
In the past, it was some denomination of Christianity. Today,
I do not have any religious affiliation.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
... unsubstantiated. Given current facts, the idea of anything
beyond death is jsut wishful thinking.
--Regarding MONEY:
Money could not be an issue in the death of any of my loved ones.
Money could not have saved them.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
... the gradual deterioration of the person months, or even years in
advance. There is a point when *any* person is not going to recover.
We start dying long before we show the signs of being old, so it
confuses me that more people are not more emotionally prepared
when a loved one has seen his or her last Christmas, birthday,
or whatever. Its hard, yes, but it is not unexpected.
I cannot
comment on sudden deaths.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have only seen the dead in my dreams, and each time I was somewhat
surprised to see the person. But there has never been A Message.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am afraid of dying. If it should happen soon, I do not want any
knowledge of it. None. If it must happen before I am "ready",
I wish it to be so sudden that whatever nerve-signals that are
attempting to convey the sensations of whatever is causing my death
do not reach my brain before it shuts down.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
The dead person was a stranger.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionnaire was not useful to me.
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Thu Apr 5 21:17:42 2001
F17 in Louisville, Kentucky =USA=
Name: Kali
Email: <TormentedSilence=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 1/2 ago.
Cause of Death: overdose of caffeine pills; Aged: 1.
--Details:
It was my carelessness that caused her death. I left the botle on
the ground. I still remember her terrified looks as she seizured and
her acidic blood fried her brain and then she eventually tortured
to death in my arms.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
tried to feel sad but couldn't so my strategy became forgetting
about death
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my great-grandfather. The kids weren't allowed to go to the
funeral, so I played in the graveyard. The way I deal with death
is to not think about it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
scientific knowledgement
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it put Piper out of her misery
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
lack of awareness
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I couldn't finish it because it brought back too many memories (even
the smell of Piper's blood and death). Sorry I didn't finish it.
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Thu Apr 5 20:17:42 2001
F40 in Edmonds, Washington =USA=
Name: Julene G
Email: <jkgradwohl=at=hotmail.com>
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genral search from Msn
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1yr ago.
Cause of Death: ruptured aortic aneurysm; Aged: 65.
--Details:
My father collapsed on Christmas Eve 1999, at a family christmas
party. My 8yr old daughter found him. He was unresponsive for
about 10 minutes. When the aid crew arrived my father awakened
and was transported to a local hospital. From there on out his
condition went terribly down hill. He endured 5 hours of aortic
surgery but, his lungs had been without oxygen for too long and my
dad died Christmas morning at 1:30 am.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Final. No second chances. When you are gone your physical being
is gone.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was 7 years old. I didn't know what emotions to feel. It wasn't
until I was in a counselors office at the age of 21 did I realize
I had never greived for my brother.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was..My brother was born in 1966. At the age of
6 months he was diagnosed with cancer. Steven died 2 weeks after
his 1st birthday, 5 days before my 7th birthday.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was numb with shock, greif and dispare.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I spent alot of time with my dad, I made him laugh and he made me
laugh, My children very much enjoyed him. He touched so many lives
in his 65 years that when his funeral was held there were so many
people that came to pay their respects, there was standing room only.
I was not the only one who knew he was special.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I need help with anti-depressant medication, I tried everything
else but could not do it with out medical help.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Such a deep sudden loss. How can christmas be a joyful time
ever again. I had to go from the hospital to my home and set up
my childrens gifts from Santa. I was numb.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
My dad was a very fun guy, and my sister came from out of state
for the funeral planning. We had a very good visit in spite of
the reason for the visit. There were 8 people at the funeral home
helping to plan my dads funeral. We all burst out in laughter many
times, not as disrespect to my father but as a tribute to him.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
To tell my dad as he was sitting in the aid car I love you! But we
thought he was going to be ok at that time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Explain to my children 10, 8, 3, what happend without frightening
them and able to answer their questions to the best of my ability
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
We as a family sat and wrote my dads death notice for the local
paper. I wanted it to be written as if you would have liked to
meet this man if you never did.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
How much flowers were at the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
There is an occasion to get together as a family group and my dad
is not there.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would be exactly the same as before he died.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
My dad had such health problems for so many years. Why couldnt he
be left alone (god)?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Go to sleep for a very long time (not die) just sleep.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Crawled into bed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The Doctors and staff did everything and I mean everything, to save
his life.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Not very much. I have deep reservations now about an organized
religion.
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran
--Regarding MONEY:
It did not matter it was a non issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
My husband gave the eulogy, he and my mom wrote it. It was a
story of his life from the beginning to the end. There were many
funny moments. Some who attended later told us that they hoped
we would not be offended, but it was the the best funeral they had
ever attended. And my 8 year old daughter Elizabeth stood in the
front of the congregation and payed tribute to her grandfather.
She loved him very much.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I finally felt I was grown up. I was 39 when my dad died, but when
you still have both parents alive you feel "safe".
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have been waiting for a visit from my dad. I don't dream about
him or see him. It disturbes me. On the other hand my daughter
now 10 tells me when she is about to fall asleep each night she
sees her grandfather and that sometimes he strokes or holds her hand.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
after my father died, I scheduled a complete physical with my doctor.
I don't want to die until my children are grown with children of
there own. I want to grow old with my husband and pass in my sleep
in my own bed in my own house.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
On special holidays or events I go to my dads crypt. I somehow
makes me feel closer to him.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I now tell people I love and care about, How much I love them,
the difference they make in my life, and what a gift they are.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
For some reason My family did'nt talk about it. 4 months after
my brothers death my parents adopted a baby boy.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
Nobody taught me or gave me permission to greive.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes it was helpful. At times I do feel alone.
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Thu Apr 5 19:04:50 2001
F27 in Albuquerque, New Mexico =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: breast cancer; Aged: 57.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the cessation of biological existance,
but a beginning of something
those of
us still biologically active don't understand.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Didn't understand why it made everyone so sad.
--That first time, how it happened was
my grandfather's cousin died when I was four.
I remember being at
the church, and wondering
why so many people were crying. I asked
my mother
why people cry when someone dies. She said it hurts.
I didn't understand because I thought she meant
physical pain,
and I felt none.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How selfish people are
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It's not the end. It's not the beginning.
Children understand more
than we give them
credit for.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I became stronger.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
When my dad moved away, and I could be myself.
I didn't have tobe
what he wanted me to be.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching her die, and knowing she was in pain.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Tell them you love them, or what they mean to you.
Hold their hands,
touch them. Let them know.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
stopped worrying about what other people think of me.
Life is
too short, and there is no
sense in losing time on what you
can't change.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Friends would tell me I was supposed to take care of my
family
before myself, and then would say they cared for me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
People are rediculous.
We do silly things.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell her I Loved her more often. Taken better care of her
ailing
body. Said I was sorry for all the times I had
diappointed and
hurt her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Put my feelings aside to help my brother and
grandmother get
by. Comfort my mom's friends.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Sympathy, when faked, hurts.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Crying isn't all that cleansing.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about the time I wasted when she was here.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I might not have met my husband. I might still be at home
with
my Mom. I might have finished school earlier.
I would probably
still care about what people think of me.
I wouldn't be as strong.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I'm not allowed to grieve but all my other family
members are.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Run away. Leave the people behind who are holding me down.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Let go of pain, loss, fear. Held on to love, and truth.
Take care
of others that I love. Help my brother through.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Medicine is not a science. It's an art.
Admit that and more can
be done for the person, not just the biology. When little is known,
little can be done.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They have good hearts. To face death voluntarily is
difficult,
and I thank all hospice workers greatly.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing. It made my family feel better, but I became an athiest
after the funeral.
--Religious Affiliation:
No affiliation currently. In the past, I was Roman Catholic.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
More comfortable. Life goes on, even in death.
--Regarding MONEY:
It was hard to pay for the funeral. Life insurance helped,
but
the checks came later. The money from the insurance is already
gone. Dad used it to try to get over his pain. He still hurts.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I don't remember much. The smell of insence, and a ritual of
blessing. The priest said a special blessing for everyone in the
family, including far extended cousins. He forgot me, though.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I was months grieving before she died.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Slow, straining breaths. Loss of most other bodily functions.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It started before anyone else in my family. I had to watch
her
deteriorate physically. The rest of my family didn't.
Time takes
care of the grief. Just let yourself do it, and
don't let others
stop you. No matter what guilt they put
on you.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
She said she saw her father and sister. She liked how beautiful
their "rooms" were. She said her sister looked beautiful, and was
very happy to see her father.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have severed ties with many of my family members. They don't
seem to understand that they denied, and still deny, my grief.
Somehow they feel that I can handle Mom's death better than they can,
so that leaves me available their needs at all times. Resolution is
a long way off. I still need time.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I heard my mother's voice after I said my final goodbye.
She had
been gone for about 15 minutes, and I had left the hospital room.
Sitting in the waiting room, waiting for the rest of my family
to say goodbye. I heard Mom's voice say "Goodbye, I love you."
I
have also heard other people. When my husband's grandmother died,
2 years after my mother. I was driving to my home and I heard
someone tell me to take care of him. I didn't know her, or know
she had passed until later that day. I recognized the voice when
my in-law's played a tape recording of her.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The person dying is making last requests. Just because their body
is gone, doesn't make the request go away.
Don't put your selfish
wants above someone else's needs.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I've thought about my own death. All I want is for the people I
love to know that I love them. For this reason, I try to tell them
as often as possible.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I kept a flower from an arrangement that was placed on the casket. I
dried it and released the dry, crushed petals into the wind.
It was a release of more than just the flowers.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I met my husband a year after my mom died. He became a good friend,
and honestly cared about how I felt. It was a drastic change from
my brothers and dad, and so I felt a strong inclination to always
be with him. He has been patient, and listens when I need and
ear. He comes to me when he needs an ear, but knows when to seek
out another because I can't listen right then. I think we will be
together until one of us passes.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
My younger brother reached out to me. I tried to be there when he
needed me. I tried to take him places (geographical and emotional)
that reminded him of life.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It's made me realize how bitter I am about being denied my grief.
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Thu Apr 5 11:50:36 2001
M47 in Ripley, NY ==
Name: Sherry A H Lantz
Email: <sahl=at=cecomet.net>
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Prof/Studies: private practice psychotherapist, LTC Ombudsman
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
How We Die can't remember the author, and many other books on death
and dying I've collected over the years.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: congestive heart failure; Aged: mid 50's.
--Details:
This death was significant because this was my mother's closest
sister. Our families spent a lot of time together in our
formative years. About three weeks ago, my first cousin age 44
died of a massive heart attack. This was my aunt's oldest child.
Very difficult for my mother.
My aunt however, had been diagnosed
with heart disease in her late 30's she had had heart attacks as
did all her siblings. My mother is the only one that has lived
into her late 60's. However she started to experience chest pains
and how takes nitro.
My aunt died in her sleep a few days after
went went to visit her for the weekend. It was odd, because we all
felt the visit was significant. Although my aunt was doing well
at the time.
It's very hard to pinpoint a significant death -
there have been so many in the past decade, at least a couple a
year - close family, two close friends from aids, one cousin was
murdered, one friend a suicide. The suicide and the friends with
AIDS all died within 2 months of one another. Very difficult.
As for the family - it's been difficult, but somehow manageable.
There has been a lot of death in my life - it seems.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
is significant to people - but in a variety of ways depending on
the belief system one possesses. It's viewed in a spiritual way,
a physical way, a legal way, and a religious way. There is no right
or wrong way to view the cessation of life. I prefer to explain
it as a physical process where the body ceases to function.
what
one believes about death is primarily based on myth, experience
and culture.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was curious.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... Grandparent - Maternal grandfather
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the shrinking of my family (extended).
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it's a subjective experience
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
closeness it brings to the family, the fondness we all share
for the deceased, that for most deaths suffering was minimal, and
that I loved all those people and felt okay with their passing.
I had no regrets - so far at least.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The attitude of my family toward death and dying.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
for some it was the suddenness, for others such as my girlfriend
who passed away this past November was that she lost her fight.
In the past decade, she had been diagnosed three times with cancer,
once with uterine - hysterectomy, breast - lost of a breast, then
bone - which metstasized to the base of her skull. She was an
inspiration to many many people.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
is just being there... My girlfriend with cancer had a
wonderful death, there were so many friends and family in her
home the weeks prior that it was a gathering place for many of us.
Her grandchildren and children were involved in her death - she was
very strong spiritually. Her family was close. It was probably
the healthiest death process I'd ever experienced.
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
There is no one single death - I think just the fact that I have
experienced so many deaths of close friends and family, has made
me appreciate the fragile nature of life.
I actually grieved a
lot when my 15 year old dog died. I always felt we were soul mates.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I watched my dying friends become fearful, and how others seem to
relate to death. That was confusing.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
That hasn't happened to me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
For most close family and friends - I feel okay about the
relationship. It would have been nice to have more time with them.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
cope with death in my own way.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
friends and family fearful of looking at or touching the deceased
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
their religion or religious beliefs
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would hope that I'm doing what I feel is important in the lives
of those I love. I hope I wouldn't be doing anything too differently
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the medical community lacks a lot of sensitivity
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very good - uplifting
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
very little
--Religious Affiliation:
none - past formative years nazarene, baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
appropriate
--Regarding MONEY:
when my mother's youngest brother died unexpectedly a little over
one year ago, he hadn't changed his will and everything went to
his ex-wife, whom my mother didn't like. I saw a side of my mother
that saddened me. ButI understand.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
is that it appeared to be vital to healing
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that whole feeling of helplessness
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the time when you start seeing a sliding in many aspects of a person,
their weight, health, attitude, physical abilities and mental
abilities etc. But you never know when anyone is going to die,
so there really aren't that many mile posts in my experience to
draw from with the exception of the friends with AIDS
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
it was exactly that. She reported she knew she was going and where
she was going. That before she passed away she stated that she
had dreamed about her death and felt very comfortable, she knew
it was going to happen and she was okay.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel I've loved and given, and that those who have passed and
were closer to me than others also gave to me. I've lost many
people who have been influential in my life. I miss them, but I
have a part of each of them with me. I've learned a lot about life.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
A will, DNR, health proxy, power of attorney
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think about mortality a lot - I don't know whatI would say about
my own death
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I believe that those how have died are always around me. I don't
have a ritual, but I feel deeply that they are there in spirit.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I believe that life is too precious to be angry at people, or have
hate or disregard. Too many things in life can happen that can
change ones reality in a moment. Death is always life changing.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
My family is close as is my mother and her siblings. They have
all died of heart disease at a young age. My mother is the last
living person in her family. Her older brother died when she was
an early adolescent of a hit and run accident
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
My parents sent us to a fundamentalist church and I developed a
cynical attitude about religion and death at an early age. I don't
see religion as a part of death for my own coping or loss process.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It's an interesting questionnaire
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Thu Apr 5 09:56:49 2001
F50 in Upper Darby, PA =USA=
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Surfing the web for information on communities response to death
and dying
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Prof/Studies: Social Worker
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
on death and dying, AIDS the ultimate challenge,questions and
answers on D&D, coming home, A guide to dying at home with dignity.
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (first three), Deborah Duda
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Colleague, yrs ago.
Aged:
--Details:
i am employed in a facility that provides services to people living
and dying with AIDS.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
living and living is death. I think death is a natural beautiful
process once you get pass the fear. death encompasses relections of
the individuals entire life process. i also view death as another
experience in life that is owed to everyone.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
not the first time, but i experience death at the workplace on a
regular basis
--That first time, how it happened was
through observation. However, death was viewed by family members
as a frightening experience
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How will I handle death? Not revealing my true self meaning that
Western culture presents the view that you should act a certain
way. That one should contain their feelings. More specifically,
the fear of the unknown.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
The same theories that are applied to death and dying can also be
applied to living. The most rewarding is the final stage, that
of acceptance.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that i truly learned the stages of death and dying. the most
rewarding experience was helping the individual to cross-over.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
In terms of dealing with death and dying staff have been very
supportive in areas of providing compassion, acceptance, and dignity
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I have yet to experience that phase. Not true. I just remembered
the death of a close friend. My experience was not really difficult
because sometimes I have a tendency to detatch myself in terms
of getting close and experiencing loss. I feel that I am doing a
little better considering all the information that I have gathered
around death and dying. I also hope that when I experience death
with immediate family members or close friends i will be able to pull
resources that currently help me to deal with death and dying issues.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
death is a growing process. We live each day knowing that
death is the final entity. It's ok to feel what you are feeling.
Surround yourself around reality hopefully resulting into a positive
experience.
--[My Self (impending)'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
went through the stages. How I educated myself around the sensative
issues relating to loss.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I felt someone was cheated out of life.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Don't sweat the small stuff. Life is to precious to get caught up
in trivial stuff. I don't know. Probably a moment of confusion and
just didn't know what to do. Or something could have been humorous.
Nonetheless, in my view it's ok.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
just say goodbye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
experience the process with the individual. The process is such
a rewarding and unique experience. I feel that I have learned so
much and I am so greatful.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
a person has unfinished bussiness.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when I experience loss. It doesn't necessarily have to be directly
connected to death.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
what a powerful question. this survey is helping me to deal with
my own mortality. I guess I would have to say living reality base
whatever that means.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
God has the final say.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was at the level of acceptance.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the medical community is generally geared toward saving lives.
However, when saving is no longer the primary factor avoidance
becomes the primary.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Excellent, compassion, caring, sensitive, supportive,loving I could
go on and on.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
getting right with God.
--Religious Affiliation:
Islam, Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Most people struggle with death and the fear of the unknown.
--Regarding MONEY:
Funerals are for the living.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was closure for the attendees.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How people disclose their true self.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Books & Films
actual experiences, i work in the field of aids and experience
death sort of up close and personal. I doing research also to
enhance my abilities in dealing with death and dying.
knowing what to say.
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Wed Apr 4 19:32:15 2001
F18 in , ct ==
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 16.
--Details:
it wasnt a true car accident. he was sitting on top of a car, and
the driver drove to scare him off. it was playful. he is dead. at
the time i was very depressed and i hadnt lost anyone close since
5 or 6 years prior. it was difficult. to say the least.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
inevitable. i think deep down, many people live in fear of
dying. when you die, your life is gone. your body is gone. we
teach children it is like sleeping and never waking up, but i
doubt there is any dreaming going on. religions teach of afterlifes
and/or reincarnation, punishments, rewards, after death. but it is
a mystery to us until it happens, i suppose. it is inescapable,
everyone will die, yet it is distanced from our lives, in this
culture, anyway. it is very foreign to many people, especially
young people. death, is the end of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was three. there were a few other deaths of little affect (because of
age, not relationship. they affect me now, i just didnt understand
death at the time. not that i truly do now) ... the first time i
went to a wake (and understood what it was about) , my heart felt
shallow. like my body couldnt handle seeing a dead person. i guess
its closure, and catharsis.
--That first time, how it happened was
my great grandfather. i was three. i thought, since i was told dead
people go to heaven, that the place where the wake was held was in
heaven, and i was freaked out about getting back home. i thought
he was sleeping, and i didnt understand why people were crying,
if heaven was a place you could visit anyway...
since then i've
lost a lot of people, and i cannot say i dealt with the rest as well,
because this first one i didnt understand.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
i couldnt handle it. i got very violent towards myself, and
reclusive. i didnt think other people were coping right, i didnt
like how the world kept going after he was gone. i remember having
this rage and fear, just crying and crying, i scratched my own arms
so hard they bled, without thinking i did this, i didnt feel it. i
felt so angry. at death itself i guess. he was so young. it just
made life seem so pointless. i would have conversations with him in
my head. not like schizophrenic conversations, just i would think
what he *would* say, and attempt to converse through thought, hoping
there was some part of him somewhere receiving. that helped some.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
well, it needs to put it more into life. seriously, everyone dies. it
shouldnt be so hard. i dont think it would be if we just exposed
ourselves to it more. religion screws with the whole concept tho. i
mean, its nice to think there is "a better life" waiting for us. but
i dont believe that, and if people looked deeper, wonder how many
people truly would believe this.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
hmm.. well, my friend's mother was suffering from cancer for years. i
guess since she just died, her pain is gone. i cannot be positive
about it, thats something i need to learn i guess.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that it didnt really change anything, that everything was
the same except he wasnt there. it felt like the world should stop
spinning for a few days, but it kept going. a lot of people were
unsympathetic. i felt very lonely in my grief.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my great grandmother before she died. i wish i got the
opportunity to really talk with her. i was always very close to her,
i lived with her for the first 10 years of my life, but towards
the end of her life, i felt very distanced from her. i wish i
made sure she knew how much i loved her before she died. i guess
that is something to carry along, that we should show people our
appreciation for them while theyre around. i intellectualize this
philosophy but prpbably will never practice it. it will always be
too late when the time comes. how sad is that?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
certain skies do it to me every time. or when i see something i
know a person who is dead would love, it makes me sad that i cant
share it with them.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it isnt fair.
right now, present. my friend's mother died. 3
days ago. its not fair that he is left to mourn. his father isnt
around. he has his sister, i guess. his grandparents. it isnt
fair that he doesnt have a mother. parents are the only people
in the world who have to accept you unconditionally, and he has
none. it makes me sick, it isnt fair that there is so much he has to
handle. most people at this age (18) that iknow, have lost maybe a
grandparent, a pet. he lost his mother. it is so disturbing. he seems
so alone and i dont think anyone can really do anything to fix that.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk with people who die. just sometimes. just a little. see what
they miss. what they are doing now. waiting? i wish i could just tell
them all how much they impacted me. how much love i have for them.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt like i couldnt breathe. confusion still remains. i dont
think it will ever really sink in that i have lost these people
forever. an aquaintence of mine killed himself about 6 months
after another friend had died. the combination of these things
(for after 6 months i was still feeling the loss) was almost to
great to bear. the suicide was so unreal. he didnt hint to it at
all, and he didnt leave a note. its still mysterious in many ways,
except i know his home life was rough. i just wish it was understood,
what happens after death. whatever it is, it would make the whole
concept easier to grasp.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. an inconvenience. they try to tell us whats going on,
as though they know.
--Regarding MONEY:
my family acted like morons in separating my grandmother's
things. greedy. like the posessions eventually came to overshadow
the loss.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i dont like when funerals become loud, sad parties. it disturbs
me that people can have conversations as though there is no dead
person in the room.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
walking over graves. dreams i had.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
ive had a lot of dreams where people who are dead have shown up. im
sure they were mostly conjured of my memories, but i feel like
in certain dreams, part of them were there, communicating with me
through the dream.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
poetry. just writing in general. documenting my thoughts. it helped.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
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Tue Apr 3 13:39:05 2001
F39 in , Colorado =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
surfing for questionnaires
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: lifestyle illness; Aged: 70.
--Details:
It was not unexpected, but sad nonetheless. I had thought it would
be a relief, but it wasn't, really.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of living.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
knew it before I was told.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...we were on vacation in Biloxi. I was sitting
on the beach with my sister, and someone whispered to me that Grandpa
had dies, so I told my sister. We went back to the house, and mom
was on the phone with her brother, who was telling her what happened.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the first Christmas afterward. We talked openly about my dad's
not being there, how strange it was.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not more tragic to die young than to die old. We need
to value ALL ages equally--sometimes people seem pretty calous when
a 65-yr-old dies in a car accident, but think it's the greatest
tragedy when an infant dies in the same manner.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the sensitivity of the ICU nurses and other staff. They really
understand what's going on, and put up with a lot of grief/flack
so that loved ones of the patients feel okay.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being alone and thinking of the good things: funny stories, talking
out loud to people about my father and what kind of person he was.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
dealing with the friggin' airlines, trying to get there before he
died, having to justify myself to strangers.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
we all dealt with his death very well. The whole family joked and
laughed a lot of the time. We are very realistic, and realize
death is normal.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my dad his last summer when he was so sick.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the funerary mass. I guess it gives people the chance to let
the living realtives know how much the dead person meant to them,
but it was all so artificial and goofy.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt lonely for his voice, knowing I would never hear it again.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
awe: how can anyone want ot o be around sick people all the time?
Some of the staff seemed like they TRULY love people. Not the ER,
though--they're assholes: triage love.
--Religious Affiliation:
atheist, but half in family are Catholic
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the pomp. My father was a veteran, buried in Arlington. The Marines
took great pride in doing their jobs well.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
lugging the cremated remains around in the trunk of the car. I
kept joking to my mom that someone might steal the car, then what
would happen?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
checking out--not hearing or listening as well, kind of faded eyes,
just not being all "there" any more. It's like the life essence
oozes out slowly.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it's not stages, but rather you hit every possible emotion when
thinking about the person. You can be sad, then angry,, then sad
again, then happy, then thankful, then angry. It's not linear,
and not logcial, and not scientifically testable.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
he never did "visit" anyone in the family.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
No matter what piece of paper you have, the docs will not honor DNRs.
You need to have an advocate for you, someone who REALLY knows what
you want in whatever the circumstances. Do not let them give in
to what "loved ones" may wish (sometimes "loved ones" don't want
you to die so much that they keep you alive for nothing).
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think I havew done a pretty good job of living life to a full end:
I have few regrets about what I "could have done". I don't fear
death (never have), don't look forward to it, don't regret it if
it comes.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No, just others who have lost a parent have asked me how it feels,
how the family copes years afterward.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Death doesn't bother me--it's natural.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
Not seeing the dead person ever again is the hardest part: when
you finally realize it's forever.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
My friend's father recently died, and another's wife is very ill.
They call me, just talking about whatever's on tehir minds. It just
helps to be able to talk to someone who's NOT emotionally involved
in the "case" (someone who is NOT grieving over the same person--you
can be more honest with your feelings. I mean, you can't really
say to your mom that you're happy dad's dying, but you could say
it to your best friend).
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Apr 3 06:54:00 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like a butterfly,.. going from one cocoon world into another,
only more beautiful,.. just like a butterfly,..
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried,.. and cried,.. not believing that I would ever see that
person again,.. how wrong i was,..
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
crying into my green hanky..
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is not the end but the beginning into a new world, but not
as we know it,.. only more vivid,... more beautiful,.. and no more
worries, just love,..
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
death is a way to show in this living life, enyoj each day through
and through,.. for the next life might be very hard,..
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
reading books, and travelling, learning from many different
cultures and people's thoughts,... being at one with nature too,
and with myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
loosing them for ever in body form,..
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
telling them how more beautiful the next world is,.. and to tell
me all there worries and mistakes they did in this life,.. to be
open in heart and soul...
--[My Great GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am able to feel at peace with myself and life,.. live it!!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they left without saying good bye,.. the initial shock.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell them a little more that i loved them..
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there friend, and new there soul, personality.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
realized that life goes on with or without them,.. they had there
own time, whether it was long or short,.. they needed to learn some
thing from this life,.. thats why they left early,.. in the next
life they will have other things to learn,..
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Apr 1 16:42:57 2001
F48 in Mokena, Illinois =USA=
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Prof/Studies: Teacher in a private school
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Colleague, few weeks ago ago.
Cause of Death: smoldering fire while in a diabetic seizure; Aged: 43.
--Details:
It was suddent and totally unexpected. We were teachers in the
same school as well as coaches who often shared our experiences.
We followed each others teams progresses
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something we all know will happen yet we find it hard to face and
we are fearful of.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt my own mortality
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mother died from polio when I was 2
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it was a preventable death. It must have been painful and I
didn't realize how much I shared with this person and how he would
be missed.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
we need to prepare people for the different ways we handle ceremonies
surrounding this persons burial.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that it made me think of others who I come into contact daily and
take for granted.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a close friend at work and then the guidence dept. chairperson.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I was not prepared for all the crying once my students seemed to
be taken care of. I cried a lot more than I expected.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them know that they are loved and are in your heart always.
--[My Colleague's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
even if I knew ahead of time that he would die so young and in this
manner, I still would have chosen to know him.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized that he could have prevented it yet he wasn't cautious
enough.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is a good thing because that is what he made me do often.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
give him the schedule he requested before he asked for it. But then
I might not have spoken to him that day so I guess it was for
the best.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
mourn with fellow teachers and students.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
so many people came out to his funeral and supported one another.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
n/a
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I feel sad that I can't talk with him any more.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
would not differ it at all. We knew we were friends who cared
about each other.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he died so painfully and so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see him again, laughing.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I was a little angry and hurt.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
love, care and concern for all involved.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
My grandmother died like this and they were great to all of us.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything, we could grieve as a group with our beliefs.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting.
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
He affected a large number of people and never talked about his
good deeds.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
That I needed to talk with someone since I did some of the counseling
for my students.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
when my grandmother was dying I didn't want her to suffer yet I
didn't want her to die either.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my grandmother had this experience and it seemed peaceful.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
n/a
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that I'm glad I got the opportunity to be his friend. I could
have missed the pain but then I would have missed him and that is
something I would not give up.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my grandfather visited me for a few months until I had the courage to
look at him and tell him his new great granddaughter would be fine.
I was originally very frightened even though I knew who I was seeing.
Once I realized he was not there to harm me, I was able to figure
out why he was there. It ended up being a very peaceful realization
that he was watching over us.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
never thought seriously about this
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would feel cheated yet resolved to that fact that I can't change
it. I would like to experince somethings that would take more time,
but my time here has been very blessed and I am thankful to God
for that.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
accepting that the person has physically died yet is alive with in
my heart.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
never letting those who are very close to me have a day where I
don't say I love you.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
n/a
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
as I got older and realized what it all meant my faith has helped
a lot.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
maternal grandparents not getting over it and driving a wedge into
the new family
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I took care of my students, letting them go throught the grieving
process and telling them that these feeling were ok and expected.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
longer than I thought. Made me think about a living will.
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Mon Apr 2 15:21:59 2001
F26 in , CA =USA=
Name: Carri
Email: <grenadine=at=usa.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 5 years ago.
Cause of Death: auto accident; Aged: 22.
--Details:
The death, actually of my 2 best friends (of 15 years)was one
that was completely unneccessary. They crashed into the center
divider of a freeway, after inhaling nitrous oxide out of balloons,
while driving. The effect of this gas was compounded with a
small explosion, because there was, apparently, a small leak in
the nitrous tank, and the passenger went to light a cigarette.
The driver panicked, and locked up her brakes. She then drove the
car into the center divider. Being that the gas tank was located
directly under the passenger seat of the car, the passenger was
burned beyond recognition in the fire, although girls died of head
injuries sustained in the crash.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the permanent, irreversible cessation of human life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young, or too oblivious, to fully appreciate the depth of it.
She was a woman who was often spoken ill of, and not one that I
had too much contact, or too many memories of. Because of this,
I understood, but was distanced from the experience.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My Great-Grandmother passed away. She had
been ill for awhile, and it was not a surprising death to our family
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
...knowing that there was nothing I could do. Feeling helpless,
when the person whom I'd have done anything in the world for, was
beyond my help. The odd realization that, almost without exception,
people acted as if they were afraid of me, ignored me, would not
make eye contact with me. I have no idea what it was that they all
expected me to do, but, it was one of the strangest experiences in
my entire life. Not even my own mother, who I am very close to,
would speak to me. It was like the proverbial elephant in the
middle of the room. Noone would even speak of the deaths.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It happens to everyone. It's the ultimate unknown, and that makes
it scary, but,it's inevitable. There is no reason to fear death.
I think that we tend to be more afraid of the death of others,
abandoning us, leaving us, and we associate that with our own.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The realization that, even though the people I loved most were gone
from me, they had left many marks in the world. I was grateful to
see how very many people were touched by the lives of those that
had gone. I feel that I was very lucky--very special--to have been
chosen to be as close to them, in life, as I was.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
When I could find no comfort in anything, even the birth of my
daughter, I could go sit by the side of my best friend's grave.
I would sit for hours, picking weeks, making sure the marker
was clean. I would look at the flowers that others had brought,
and the pretty little opalescent hearts and fairy stickers that
had been pasted to her grave marker. The stickers let me know how
much someone, other than myself, had loved her. I sat for hours.
I cried, I laughed, but mostly, I just talked to her. I talked about
everything that I was feeling, everything about her, about the mess
that her passing had made. I talked out my anger that she would
never know my children, never put her arms around me, my guilt that
I was being selfish for wanting her back in my life. I talked about
everything, however mundane, menial, or important it seemed to me.
Even in her death, as in life, she was my greatest comfort.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I was not able to go see her for one last time. I was in shock,
and in hysterics, but I was also 8 months pregnant. I was given
permission, by her family, to go and sit by her bed, after they'd
unplugged the machines. Even though she was already gone, I
could have gone to see the body of the girl I'd known for so long.
Because of the state I was in, I didn't feel I could make the hour
drive to the hospital, and because my husband had to have a few
drinks before he could tell me the news, he could not drive me,
either. I did not get to make the trip. Also, the fact that I
was so pregnant haunted me. I felt as though I'd traded the life
of my best friend for that of my daughter. The very worst part of
that was the fact that I could not say I would trade them back.
I think the worst realization was that I would not, after all,
do anything for her. I had always thought I would.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I couldn't figure out why noone wanted to be around me. I felt as
though I had no support. To this day, I don't know if the people
around me thought that I needed space, or they were afraid I would
try to harm myself, or what there reasoning was for distancing
themselves from me in that way. Everyone was quiet the minute I
walked into a room. I had a neighbor, at the time, who was one of
the only people who had the courage to speak to me. She really did
put a lot of effort into being close, in case I wanted her there.
Somehow, she was able to do the thing that I needed from everyone
else, and that they were denying me. She later told me that I was
frightening to be around, at the time. She said that the look in
my eyes was enough to make her afraid of, and for me. She said
that it was very difficult to be near me.
Also, I have never
understood why the passenger in the car wasn't me. By all rights
it should have been. The passenger, my other friend, didn't even
live in the area, and had only just arrived. She had more of a
life planned for herself, more of a future. She should have been
allowed to fulfill her potential. She had so much of it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I only laughed once, after the funeral, with her sister. We laughed
because I told her I thought they'd timed it on purpose. It was
exactly 5 years after our high school graduation, and I was very
pregnant. I did not wish to see anyone from my school days, ever
again, and much too vain to be seen in public at 8 months pregnant.
I thought it was ironic that I was forced to see & be seen by
everyone that I had known then, huge and uncomfortable, and at the
worst moment of my life. It was an odd moment, but we had a bit
of genuine laughter at the idea that it was, truly, her best joke.
I still find funny.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I had the opportunity to just tell both girls, one more time,
how much I loved them; how much they had meant to me all throughout
my childhood, and into my adult life. I wish I would have forced
myself to drive to the hospital, to sit by her bed, and tell her all
the things that I wanted to say. Even if she couldn't speak back,
I wish I'd had the chance to see her, and to kiss her goodbye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I am thankful that I had the chance to talk with their families,
to laugh with their mothers, and to let them know how much their
daughters had brought to my life. I am also thankful that I was
allowed to go through my best friend's belongings, and keep a few
things that meant something to her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Nothing. Everything, to me, was huge. I can't imagine anyone
finding any part of it small.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a lot that reminds me of them, or I'll see my daughter smile,
in one particular way, and I'll think, just for a second...maybe
she's in there. Flat footed people, fanged teeth, uncontrollably
curly hair, I get lost, quickly and easily, in memories.
I contemplate my 10th high school reunion, simply for the fact that,
if they were still here, they would go.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have liked to see our children laughing, swimming, playing
together. My life would not be so different, but I would still
have that open ear, for when I need advice, I would not be as shut
off as I am from friendship, in general.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why do I have to bear the burden of a new life, when two, who were
so important, have been stolen from me?
Why couldn't I have been
there? Why did they have to leave without me?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I wish I could just tell them how much I love them, still. I know
that they both knew, very well, how I felt. It was no secret how
we three felt about one another. I wish I could lay my head on my
best friend's shoulder, curled up on her bed with her, one more
time, and cry. I wish I could tell them how much I missed them,
and let them know that they will never be forgotten. I'd also like
them to know how many lives they touched; how important they were
to eveyone who ever had the privilege to be near them.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
screamed...and screamed, and cried, and banged on my husband's
chest, and lay on the floor. I felt lost without her. I felt that
it should have been me. I felt incomplete, like the other half
of me was gone, and that I'd never get it back. I felt cheated,
and I felt that my children had been cheated out of knowing her.
My pregnancy seemed unfair, like I was trading one valuable life for
another, and it was a torturous decision to have made, and not one I
had the option of making. It seemed a huge weight to bear, realizing
that one person could die, and yet the world really would still go
on, and my daughter was just a reminder of that reality. I felt
a lot of guilt, too, for feeling such things about my daughter.
I was angry at my husband for not allowing me to spend as much time
with her as I wanted, there was more that I felt was never said,
or not said often enough, and it was heartbreaking to think that
I would never get another opportunity.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I think everyone probably did the best they could, or that they
knew how to do. It was simply one of those situations where,
no matter the outcome, it's not going to be good.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
The church's parish went out of their way to help the family, whether
in comfort or in monetary concerns. I think they were a great asset
to the family, and I know they took care to try and comfort me,
as well, even considering that I was from outside their parish,
but that I known to be close to her.
--Religious Affiliation:
Nondenominational Reverend
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
It feels as though we are not as far apart as we think. There have
been times, a great number of times, where I have felt a hand
covering mine, or on my shoulder. I think that, in spirit, you do
not leave your loved ones behind. You stay to comfort the bereaving,
to be near when they need you the most. I do not pretend to even
consider what happens when your work with that is finished. Do they
go on to another place? Perhaps, or perhaps just stay and watch us,
in serenity, knowing that their worldly problems are through
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was horrible, seeing all of those people, and at the one time
in my life when I did not feel that I could endure seeing anyone
at all. I was very happy, however, and very amazed at how many
people turned up. I recognized people, both from personal and
professional settings, from all throughout the history of our lives.
It confirmed, to me, that they really had deeply touched more people
than they ever dreamed. I think, to me, it was confirmation that
every little thing that we do alters something, touches someone,
in some, perhaps profound, way.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I don't think I will ever 'get over it'. I think that I have,
and continue to, absorb the pain, and to allow more memories, more
good times. It takes time, I did not want to separate them from the
rest of my life, to hold them apart, or to discard their existence,
but I did not want to think about them every day, either, because
it hurt. It has gotten to the point, where, 5 years gone, I still
think about them almost every day, but they are happy thoughts,
and, sometimes, they are what gets me through the day, rather than
making my heart hurt, they fill it. After this period, I no longer
reflect, so often, on the tragedy it was, but more on how lucky I
was to have known them, even for so short a time, here on earth.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
There were no unresolved issues. I wanted to make sure that they
knew (and know) how I feel, and I know that, at their times of death,
they did. I simply wish I had the opportunity to tell them one
(or several) last times. To ingrain it, if you will. I do my best
to accomplish this, by visiting the grave, taking flowers, maybe
a book, or some candy, and spending time. I look like a fool,
chattering to myself, and I've gotten some odd stares by other
visitors to the cemetery, but, I really don't care. I go, and I
still spend time with my best friend, and, the best friendships
are those where no words need to be spoken, where silence can be
just as lovely as conversation.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
"I love you"
"I know, and I love you too."
Closure
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Often, and usually while driving, I have felt a warm hand covering
my right hand. I'll also, but not as frequently, feel the weight
and warmth of a hand on my shoulder. Once, I heard her call my
name, and when I looked, there was noone on the street around me.
I had a dream once. We were in her car, driving, talking, and I was
able to tell her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me.
She wouldn't look at me, but just kept nodding, reassuring me,
telling me that she knew I loved her, and that she was so sorry.
She said she understood. Then, she brought the car to a stop in
front my mother's house, and she looked at me, very sadly, and said
that she had to go. She told me that I had to get out of the car.
I cried, begged her not to go, or begged her to take me with her. I
told her what would happen, and she said that she knew, that it was
the way it had to be, and that I had to get out of the car.
I had
several more dreams, walking with her, laughing, and always repeating
over and over that I loved her, and that she was so important to me,
I did not want to be without her. But they all ended the same way,
with her telling me that it was time for her to go, and that I was
not allowed to go with her.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think it's extremely important to have all of your willed
belongings specifically written up. I have seen too many members
of my family torn apart because of a stupid little thing "no,
Grandma wanted ME to have those earrings". I think it's a great
mistake to leave any monetary arrangements, such as whether or not
to sell a house, to your heirs. I think you need to make sure that
you know where your children will go, if they are minors, and that
the person that they will live with knows of this arrangement, also.
I think it's very important to have this in writing.
Also, I've
tried to make sure, in advance, that my loved ones know what it is
I want, in the case of my death, or incapability to make decisions.
I've told my husband, my parents, my friends, and will, when they
are old enough, tell my children , I do not want to live on life
support, if this is my option. Brain dead, to me, means dead.
I've told them my feelings about burial, rathan cremation, and have
been adamant about my NOT being cremated. I've also told all of them
that I would like to be an organ donor. I've gotten these people to
agree, so that, in the even of my death, there will be no question on
these subjects. I've tried very hard, although it's been a battle,
to find out all of this information for my husband, also, so that
I will know the answers to these questions, in the case of his death.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not afraid of dying, I really don't mind the idea much.
I do, however, hope that it can wait until my children are grown.
It would break my heart to leave them here without me, wondering
what it would have been like if I had lived longer.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I steal roses. It doesn't matter where they are stolen from,
but they have to be stolen. I only ever take stolen roses to her
grave, but, when I go, I am never without a stolen rose. I never
steal roses for myself, only to take to her grave. Also, when
I go to the cemetery, I go barefoot. The people who work there
think I'm crazy, and I've been told that it's disrespectful to
go sit for hours in a cemetery, bare footed & with stolen roses,
usually my hair a mess, and usually in shorts. My answer to that
is: disrespectful to who? Not the person that I'm going to pay my
respects to. That's exactly how she expects to see me. Going in
any other way would be disrespectful.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I've really acquired no other habits. I do not come to friendships
easily, and tend to regard people with a bit more hesitation.
Generally, my rule is, I do not make friends with someone I have
known for less than 10 years. I have only one exception to this
rule, and she's the old neighbor that I had when my friends died.
We are extremely close, and I am extremely protective of her, as I
am of the only 2 other people that I consider to truly be my friends.
I only keep 3 friends, and I am terrified of losing them, as well.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
The woman who, at the time, was my neighbor. I was at her house
when I was called down to the phone. My mother called, and she
asked me to have my husband call her. I laughed, and went back
to my neighbor's house. I told her 'someone's dead, but my mom
souldn't tell me who'. I was adamant, and when my husband called
me down and told me, I am sure that my neighbor heard my screams.
The next day, she came down, and she held my hand, and she looked
at my pictures with me, and she let me laugh, and she let me cry,
and she didn't speak when she didn't have to, and she didn't offer
stupid, trite consolations. She let me be myself, and she acted
as a...backbone, for me. Something to brace myself on. I was
allowed to scream, to cry, curse everyone, myself, my husband,
my best friends, even her, and I was never expected to apologize
for saying the wrong thing, or feeling differently than I was
supposed to. She allowed me to be me, and I will never forget
that.
For the past 5 years, we have stayed close, and she tells
people that I'm her best friend. She's understood that I could not
allow myself to call her mine, because, in my eyes, mine was dead.
It seemed...wrong to let those words be used for another person.
I think it is a very kind, very loving, giving gesture for her to
understand that, as well. Hopefully, I will be able to get over
this, and one day tell her that she is, today, my very best friend.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
There were very few people who had the ability to comfort me,
as I wished to be comforted. I was not eating or sleeping, and
I was not very responsive, so I think what was best for me was a
silent presence. Someone who was there when decided that I wanted
to talk, and who could do small chores for me, dishes, etc., but
someone who could also fade into the background, and leave me to
my thoughts. Of course, I have to say, it was invaluable to have
someone to watch my son--away from the home--as well.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I don't think it helped me to re-think very much, but it definitely
required me to look within myself, and see, from a distance, what
I normally feel, rather than see.
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Sun Apr 1 18:38:40 2001
F23 in Okotoks, Alberta =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
Athabasca Univeristy offered this site as part of the "Computers
and Psychological Well-Being" in their Communications 321 course.
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Prof/Studies: university student and lifeguard/swimming instructor
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 4 years ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 22.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
loneliness, sadness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
asked a lot of questions. I still ask "are you sure" when someone
young dies. Possibly denial.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather died when I was in grade 2, making me seven years
of age. I was old enough to understand he died but the sadness
came from seeing my family in extreme sadness (my parents, aunts,
uncles, grandma were crying).
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
asking several times if my mom was positive Jeff had died.
Then after I came to terms with the fact, I cried a lot. Between
his death and the funeral I saw little of our family (distance).
However, after reaching the funeral, I cried more for sadness of
his parents and the rest of my family.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to deal with it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It showed me that faith is stronger than anything and can guide
you through very difficult situations.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Jeff's mom, my aunt. She lost her son yet she was the one telling
all of us it is going to be ok. Also, hugs from family and friends
helped me learn that people are there to support you, especially
in times of trouble.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Learning to say good bye.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
never forget to wear my seatbelt. Could that have saved Jeff?
Maybe, maybe not but I will always remember.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the funeral was over and everyone went back to their lives. Now we
were all dealing with the death away from eachother (Jeff's parents
in Thailand, my parents in Creston, me in Okotoks)
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did not experience that feeling when Jeff died, HOWEVER, I know
the feeling of when we are overwhelmed and have this urge to laugh
at inappropriate times.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I was lucky. Jeff and I had a very close heart to heart conversation
the year before he died. I learned what he was truly like inside
and I think he learned a lot about me. I learned what the rest of
my family did not see in him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Say good bye at his funeral and burial site.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Auntie Dianne was the one comforting everyone else.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The tv style huge gospel singing funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Memories make me cry a happy cry. But knowing I will never see
him again also makes me cry. Like the questions in this quiz.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If he hadn't died, I would ask him to do the Toast to the Bride at
my wedding this May.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why did God take him away? Why did He do that? My aunt told me
we look for someone to blame, and often we blam God.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I am not overwhelmed anymore, sometimes I just feel sad about it
but I don't let it run my life.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I denied it and denied. Finally when I had been re-told and re-told
he had died, I gave in and began to grieve.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
n/a
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
As I said before, I blamed God. Then my aunt reminded me that
we'll see him again one day and he is in the best place there is
to be at Easter time.
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran (Christian)
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Us, the family, having to walk up the aisle to the front row with
hundreds of mourners looking at us
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
so much denial
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I would like to believe that Jeff watches over us.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues, in fact I feel good about the way
things were left. However, his mother did not know he was into
drugs at some point in his life until after he died. I think this
really bothered her that she did not know it or see it.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope that Jeff could tell me what death was like and why
I did not have to fear it for myself and others.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I dreamed about Jeff once. We were sitting in the same spot
when we had a deep conversation. In my dream Jeff told me I was
going to be ok. He then asked how I was, I said "I guess I'm ok."
I then asked him how he was. He said, "Well duh, how to you think?
I'm dead!" It was a light dream though, I was not saddened by it.
I felt ok.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
No matter how silly the wishes are, respect them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't like to think about death.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
praying
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
No matter how I change, I always say a prayer for someone who may
need it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Yes, as I said before, my aunt (mother of the deceased) was
comforting the rest of us!
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It gave me an opportunity to realize how much I deny death until
several reassurances or maybe even the funeral.
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See Mar 01 contributions.
See Feb 01 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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