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See Current contributions.
See Jan 01 contributions.
See Dec 00 contributions.
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Wed Feb 28 08:38:22 2001
M29 in duluth, minnesota =US=
Name: Bradley Gangnon
Email: <bgangnon=at=d.umn.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Instructor of Communication
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More personal info:
We should embrace this process everyday. It is my favorite topic
to teach because we all need to embrace it
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying, Wheel of Life, Freddie the Leaf
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Kubler-Ross and Buscalgia
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 54.
--Details:
My mother and I cared for my father for almost 9 months after his
diagnosis of metastatic cancer. He prefered not to die at home.
One week before his death he moved into an in patient hospice ward.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the closure of life experiences for the person who dies.
A transitional time where all experiences with the person are memory
for those people who continue life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Did not understand that it was not an "interesting" and "exciting"
experience
--That first time, how it happened was
My maternal grandfather died of cancer when I was six. We were
not extremely close, but we did know grandpa.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the sense of immediate relief for my father and the ability we all
had to function on autopilot
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is natural and can teach us so much
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I disagree with your introductory clause .. . we had a final party
for my father that provided closure
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I wrote my master's thesis on communicating about death and dying.
I immersed myself in my experience and that of experts for almost
a year after the event
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The free time that comes for caregivers
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen with your eyes, your ears, and your heart
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
when he needed things I just did them--like injections, changing
soiled clothes or linens, feeding tubes. I just did it
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
thank god for the laughter
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I would have stepped out of life and spent by days 100% with
my father
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get closure before my fatehr died
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
one of my father's cousins sent a card almost daily the last 7
months of his life. and at the wake, I led a friend who did not
know my father through the photo gallery and shared my memories
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
hearing peoples sympathetic comments
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
a life event seems perfect and then there is a gap
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
every day
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
again I disagree with your setup. Realized how permanent my father
and his personality are in my life
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
of love and of caring
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
tehy are amazing people
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
Congregational
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
correct
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
was the overflowing room
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
months later going "back to a normal life"
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
don't look --feel them
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want everyone to get closure before my funeral so it can all be
a celebration of the great things
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope that I have the courage to accept it. To embrace and enjoy
the final times and to learn from them
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Whenever I am feeling stressed, I go to the shores of Lake Superior
and let the waves pound me. It works here too
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Life is today. Don't wait
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes, solid friendships grew deeper and surface friendships
disappeared.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
We were too young to attend the funeral
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Make fun and open hearth and home to them
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
You presume that we all have negative emotions and experiences
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Tue Feb 27 09:13:56 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 7yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age i think; Aged: .
--Details:
was never really told the real cause of death
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--Death Is:
the end of a passage of time in which we are fully conscious and
present on earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandma in italy who i have never
met passed away without warning.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fact that noone would talk about it in front of me.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that noone is sure whether it is final or not.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
she went peacefully
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own beliefs and questions
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
i felt very guilty that i had never met her.
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Tue Feb 27 07:52:15 2001
F63 in Pompton Lakes, New Jersey =USA=
Name: Vera Gelvin
Email: <gelvin=at=ix.netcom.com>
Web: http://WWW.swan-net.com/gelvin
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Medical writing consultant/color therapist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: I don't know what cause of death was given as. ; Aged: 83.
--Details:
My mother was in a rehabilition center after being taken of a
respirator. She seemed to be recuperating, but then one morning
(as I was told) she threw her breakfast against the wall and died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the cessation of breath. The life force leaves the body, but the
soul goes ???
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wanted to go to the funeral, to be part of the communion in death.
But I was told that it was not for children.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was my father's brother (my uncle) died. My father
was crying and someone told me why. I did not go to the funeral.
I must have been about 8 yrs old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mother telling me that my grandmother had died weeks?
months? ago. No one told me until after the fact and after
the funeral. I was living in another state at the time and was
pregnant. When I questioned my mother as to why she didn't tell me
her response was "you couldn't have gone anyway." I thought (but
didn't say) how do you know that I wouldn't make whatever effort
it took to be at my grandmother's funeral? How dare you make such
a decision for me!
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to dispose of the dying. Saving the body to rot in the ground
does not seem right in either a religious or practical sense.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I realized how much I loved my grandmother and how much I had wanted
to be with her when she died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
There was no support. My greatest help has been my own understanding
of death through my dreams.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
no one would speak of my mother except in the most lauditory terms.
I did not feel that way and there was no outlet for my hard feelings.
I also felt betrayed at the way she died, since she did not give
me a chance to communicate with her.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Holding the person's hand. Some genuine emotion (compassion)
is important.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Many years later I sensed that my mother never accepted her death
(just has she had not accepted the possibility of death what she
was alive). I think that her spirit hung around for many years
until I recognized heresence, told her that I loved her, and helped
her complete her journey to the other world.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my father I loved him before he died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
arrange for a house for my mother and I to live right before
she died. I know that I was ready to do everything possible to
have a home for her to go to.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think at this point that I could live in peace with my mother,
having come to many realizations concerning our relationships and
having worked out many problems within myself.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I don't know if I have still completely acknowledged my mother's
death. I still find myself wanting to call her or speak to her,
as if she is still alive.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the only helf the medical community gave was some place to go
when we didn't know where to go. There was especially a coldness
involving removing the life support apparatus from my mother.
The hospital tried to frighten my sister and I about the horrible
death my mother would have (asphyxiation; suffocation) should we
elect to do this deed. We determined that this was my mother's
wish and signed the appropriate papers.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Rituals at the funeral that were comforting, such as saying Kodish
(the prayer for he dead).
--Religious Affiliation:
Jewish.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I have visited the in-beween place of death in a dream (Bardo?) and
have also had other experiences which can be described as near-death
experiences, even though the circumstances had nothing to do with
dying. Seeing a bright light at the end of a tunnel and knowing
that I was going toward the place of God.
--Regarding MONEY:
My mother made no will and so I had to go through probate.
She was a poor woman, so there was very little money involved.
It just showed to me her non-acceptance of her mortality and her
paranoia about money involving her children. I have made sure to
leave a will and to write provisions not to extend my life if this
requires unusual measures.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how little I was recognized during the proceedings. It seemed to be
my sister's show. My sister and mother were very close, whereas,
my mother and I were like oil and water.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
not feeling part of the family.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it would have been very helpful to be able to talk about my feelings
to my sister or someone else in my family. But there was no space
(an open communication) to do this.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
As I wrote above, I have had experiences of death through dreams
and in meditation (spontaneous) that have shown me that this life
is only a corner of existence.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel as though I have worked through many issues involving
my mother. The need to do this with my father has not arisen.
I do not know if this is because the need is not there or because
the need is great and I am blind to it.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell my mother I that I know that she loves/d me and that I
love her. I would tell my father that I love him and I know how much
he loved me. I would tell my grandmother how much my relationship
with her mattered to me and what a special person she was in my life.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My mother has come to me in dreams. The most powerful one was
where she waited for me to take her to the other side. She was
greeted there with her husband (my father) and friends. It was a
very joyous happening and I was thrilled to be able to do this.
Prior to that time, her spirit was hanging around, lost, unable to
accept her own death.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
People should make a living will, to make their wishes known about
extraordinary efforts made to keep them alive. It is most important
to be surrounded by love at the time of death and to let go of all
past hurts and grudges and to forgive others and yourself for all
transgressions, deliberate or unconscious.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have come to think that I have been put on earth for some reason,
and I have yet to discover this reason. I would like to have some
light on this and actualization of my reason for being, before I die.
I do think that when I die I will see my parents and friends who
have died before me. I think this will be a good thing. I think
that my spirit will exist on another dimension. I do not know
whether I will return again to earthy existence.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have become closer to my aunt, my mother's sister. And my aunt, my
father's sister. I have felt a need to know about my grandparent's
background, their roots and have made an effort to find out about
their country of origin and their lives before coming to America.
I have not been very successful, since there are too many holes
and unknowns and the living relatives either do not know or are not
interested in providing information. I have ceased my root-finding
efforts (through the Internet and through relatives) at this point.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
No one spoke of what happened, except in a very short, to the
point way. No discussion of my feelings or recognition that I
might have feelings about his death.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I am working with color as a color therapist and I try to help
friends with cancer to use the colors therapeutically, through
medication or through physical application.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think this is a very useful questionairre. It has helped me focus
my thoughts on dying and has shown me that there may be issues
concerning my father's death that I have not addressed.
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Mon Feb 26 21:16:05 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 10yrs ago.
Cause of Death: blood vessel on the brain rupshured; Aged: 10.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
someone gone but never forgotten.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't realize what happened.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was my uncle....he was in the hospital
and they had him on life support....they pulled the plug on him.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
seeing him in the casket.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's nature.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
no more pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the memories.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never seeing them again.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
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Sun Feb 25 12:12:16 2001
F43 in St. Johns, Newfoundland =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: Brain tumour; Aged: 77.
--Details:
up until aged 77, this woman was a very young active 77 year
old. At age 77, suddenly, symptoms came on....and after a cat
scan...diagnosis GBM grade 4.....3 to 12 months to live. 6 months
later my dear Mother died after a declining 3 months sufference in
a hospice.
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--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt a huge void/numbness
--That first time, how it happened was
My Grandmother aged 80, passed away in her sleep(sudden, no previous
illness)
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I'm getting closer to the front of the bus.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how relevant it is to the circle of life. One lives and one
dies.......more talk from an early age
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
great family and friends, terrific support
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being there at the end, as I live overseas
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be there by my Mothers side at her death
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Absolutely special people/nurses...who work there
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My children....who will be their Mother......do it right,
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
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Sat Feb 24 20:43:50 2001
F41 in Toledo, Ohio =U.S.A=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 6 days ago.
Cause of Death: not sure; Aged: 67.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
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Sat Feb 24 18:29:35 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: natural; Aged: 93.
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--Death Is:
a transformation. Humans cease to exist permanantly upon it's
imposition. Our bodies are transformed into the elements that are
present here on Earth. Our sentient being also ceases to exist,
although most extremist beg to differ, the electrons and atomic
particles are picked-up by different life forms and utilized until
they are, once again, passed on at death.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
remebered immediately of that person when they were happy. I also
realzed that he killed himself over a really dumb thing. Must not
have been as smart of a person as I thought.
--That first time, how it happened was
Slaughtering chickens on the farm
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
realizing how incredible moronic the whole ordeal was.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that there are no "angels", no "god(s)" that are going to take your
sentient mind and give it a new, immortal form. We need to realize
that all that is left of us when we die are the memories that we
leave behind and the effect of our lifestyles on our brethren;
hence the best possible course of action is to positively influence
everyone that you can and help anyone you can while you are here.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it sometimes brings a peace to a terminally ill person who may be
in alot of pain as their body deteriorates.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
everyone around me was so ignorant of the true meaning of death. They
tend to suger coat or rationalize where that person has gone to. In
the ground is the answer.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that I would miss that person dearly.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
make that person smile as much as you can. Try not to lie to them
or yourself, just bring smiles and make it a better day for him/her.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
a person is inthe process of dying, What goes through their mind?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I don't really want to continue with this...sorry.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Sat Feb 24 10:53:21 2001
M39 in jacksonville, IL =usa=
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Prof/Studies: printing/bindery cutter, mathematics/physics, magickian
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
nothing compares
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Self (impending), 15+ yrs ago.
Cause of Death: getting hit by a car while crossing the street; Aged: 21.
--Details:
not unless you are interested; but, to this day i wonder re: the
significance of it ALL.
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--Death Is:
a cessation from human bodily limitaations
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
laughed
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... i was hit by a car while i was on foot
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how everybody was so upset
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is not the end; but the beginning
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
erasure (there is no ego, self, being or whatever you want to
call it)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Just good ole' Stanley Universe.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
nothing. it is seperation, plain and simple; but we can conjure
them up in our imaginations
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i have never really thought about it, but i did it the very first
thru third times i was confronted with it. It seemed to be a kind
of release, in a sense.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the ambulance worker said "yeah, i think he's dead".
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
i was wondering who that was that they were carrying away
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
NOTHING but bullshit!
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
growning up? or now?
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What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body
belief system, time, and narcotics
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
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Thu Feb 22 15:26:53 2001
F17 in Detroit Lakes, MN =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Natural; Aged: 80?.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Thu Feb 22 10:06:18 2001
F27 in , ny =usa=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
browsing
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: brain tumor (cancer); Aged: 14.
--Details:
Very slow, very hard to watch someone you love die, slip through
life so young.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a tragic loss of life. Death is permanent.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
lost it. To see someone you love take there last word, cry their last
tear, take their last breathe, fall cold and still in your hands,
and be completely helpless, no words can describe your emotions, they
all hit home at once. Anger, regret, fear, hurt, relief saddness etc
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my 14 yr. old sister, who died from cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the uncomfortable silence
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
there is something better on the other side
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It took my sister out of pain, brought my family closer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Listening to Sarah MccGlaughcn, taking walks near the water,
allowing my self to cry and remember the good, and talking to the
stars and God
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Taking for granted my sister would always be around
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Say all that is in your heart, patch up all loose ends and still
tell a joke, they still would like to smile!
--[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found strength within myself to deal with such a loss nobody should
ever feel they can't cope you must look inside yourself for the
strength
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Instead of a quick death, it dragged out slowly almost torchturous,
no human should have to slowly die.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell her exactly what was in my heart
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be the one holding her hand when she left this world.& Keep her
memory alive.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a certain song, smell a certain scent, celebrate the holidays
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If she were still here, I would make it a point to spend quality
time together, I would remind her often how special she is to me
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
her life was too short, she had so much to experience
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Have one last day with her, One last kiss goodbye, hug, kiss laugh,
I would do anyhting to hear her voice, or see her not ill, i would
just give anything to have one more day.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
questioned my religion, I thought life was cruel and unkind. I
thought researchers should give up their search for a cure to
cancer, because after all the treatments eventually the illness
gets you anyway. Now i just accept all things happen for a reason,
i'm just waiting to learn that reason.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
If you have cancer treating it going through all the Kemo and
radiation, will only prolong your life, strip your diginity and
eventually will kill you
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
There were very helpful, and eased her death
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Church Prayers and God
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
It costs more to die than to come into this world go figure
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How many people actually cared
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
learning to live with it
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Loss of sight, hearing, anger, confusion. Bile, heavy breathing,
a calm pain
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Letting it all out is best. I held back the tears, only in spirts
did i cry it made me sick i would vomit and lost so much weight
crying and realeasing is key
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
saw angels
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I regret when she got sick, i wasn't there like i should have been
i wrapped myself up in unimportant things b/c i couldn't bare to
see her slowy die, i was embarress to speak of how much she meant
to me, i always figured she'd get better.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I wouldn't feel guilty, ashamed
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
months ago i dreamt (i think) there was a figure all inwhite
inthe corner of my room, (scared me) but they said its alright,
its alright don't be scared, I must have been sleep walking b/c my
grandmother said i looked as though awake.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would not want to be recessitated if i had an illness, i would
not want to die slowly. I would want to buried. I would not want
my loved ones to dwell i want them to always remember the good times
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If i new i were going to die i would spend much time with the ones
i loved and voice my feelings, I would then live life to the fullest
and not have a care in the world
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
writing poetry
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
Music, memories and pictures
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Someone who would listen, not just hear what i'm saying
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was helpful
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I found some of the questions to worded in a a difficult manner they
need to be simplified, i had to re-read them because the wording
confused me
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Thu Feb 22 08:47:29 2001
F46 in , =Canada=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Yahoo
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Kubler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 7 months ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 40.
--Details:
Was killed on a road unfamiliar to her by a woman "blinded by sun",
yet familiar with road, going through stop sign at 80 km.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a person's spirit leaves a body that is no longer capable of
containing it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young and on my own.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was..after I found out that my mother was dying
of cancer, my first boyfriend died unexpectedly. My mother died
3 months afterwards.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was angry at people feeling sorry for me.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Like material matter, spirits change but are eternal.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was with my mother on her last evening and as she took her
last breath.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking about the person who died with people who knew him/her and
weren't afraid to talk about it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Thinking about all that I would never do again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't be hysterical, but don't be afraid to show love and listen.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
helped my younger brother and sister cope, even today.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that my mom would have laughed too!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
share my child with my mother.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt moments of joy that life was so beautiful and I had known them.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
strange Catholic ritual - too formal
--Religious Affiliation:
none now. past - Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
correct.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a growing detachment of the person from things once of interest.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have none.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I will need to open myself up more to new friends.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Had very realistic dreams shortly afterwards, and less frequently
since. They say they aren't really dead, just went away for a
while. Dreamed about having coffee with my friend - she looked odd,
like too much makeup - a bunch of small dwarves and deformed people
crawled around the table, saying things like"She's just pretending
- she's one of us - don't let her." My friend acted as if nothing
was happening, and I looked andrealized that she was dead.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I like to think I don't fear death, just the process (pain etc).
I have lots of good people to welcome me if there's an afterlife.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
That's EXACTLY how I feel about my husband of 26 years. I met him
after my first boyfriend died and always felt that the boyfriend
had chosen him for me, because he was much more like me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I volunteered to help others and that helped me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Emotional.
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Wed Feb 21 16:29:50 2001
F23 in Sydney, NSW =Australia=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandFather, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 80.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when we stop living in a physical world, and move on to a spiritual
world. Our bodies die, but our spirit lives on.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
just accepted that she was now in heaven with her husband and
friends.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother died - but I didn't know her that well.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fact that everyone else seemed so surprised at my Grandfathers
death, even though he had had cancer for years, and was obviously
deteriorating, yet it appeared to totally shock them, yet I felt
a relief for him to be finally out of pain.
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that our bodies are of no longer use to us. We all should be organ
donors. People shouldn't bother visiting a grave site, as the person
is not there any more, instead, they should visit the dead persons
favourite places if they want to feel close to them - like a park or
beach... Cremation is a good idea, as graves deteriorate so badly,
and look awful 100yrs down the track, and as the world rapidly runs
out of space for the living, we will have to find better accomodation
for the dead.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The fact that the dying are no longer in pain or uncomfortable. The
memories of their life are far better than being with them during
those final stages that can sometimes drag on for months...
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Praying to God for strength, reading the bible.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Supporting other family members throughout the experience. As I
delt with it well, they didn't, and possibly didn't understand why
I wasn't more upset...
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
In fact, in my case, my grandfather seemed to wait until we were
all out of the room. I think he was a very private man, and he
wanted that last chance of privacy and perhaps dignity
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had accepted his death, yet still other relatives cannot accept it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
take more photos of us together, build something with him...
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think like that... whats done is done and I live in the
present, not the future.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
The hospice was fantastic. They helped the rest of the family however
they could, and put up with the trivial problems that kept occuring.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing to me. my relationship with God is a personal one, and
reading certain parts of the bible was a great comfort, but the
actual church was a hindrance, and wouldn't let us play a dedication
song at the funural as it wan't a hymn.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was baptised a Catholic, but don't have any ties to the actual
church. I consider myself a Christian, believe in God and Jesus, but
think that most churches are a big hypocrisy and money making scam.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
That there is something else after this life. Most likely not
something to be fearful of - like hell, but rather a peaceful place.
--Regarding MONEY:
people became ridiculously either petty, or extravagant. There
seemed to be no sensible issues when money was involved, e.g. cheap
flowers, expensive casket, big donation to the church, no snacks
for get together afterward, etc.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The immense tension amongst the family members who are still
"feuding"
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Extreme weight loss, lack of appetite, reverting to first spoken
language, no interest in physical appearance
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I had grieved when I found out he had cancer, as I had accepted
that he would die from it, yet others felt that he would live
forever??? So when he did die, I just felt that everything was how
it should be, yet everyone else felt very different and in disbelief.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
He appeared to be talking to someonw "up there" looking up and even
reaching up to the ceiling. He often said in Maltese, "please take
me", and also seemed to have conversations that were all incoherent,
yet he seemed to wait for an answer...
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I had a friend whose Uncle desperately needed a kidney
transplant. The aunty (his wife) saw a vision of Mary (she felt it
was Mary), who through something at her. The aunty "caught" the
object, and her arms drew in towards her renal area. Within two
weeks, they received the call - a kidney had been found for him...!
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
When my grandfather died, my mum received real visits from animals
for several weeks afterwards. For example, two ducks flew into
our swimming pool for a day. Two lorikeets landed on our balcony
railing and stayed for a few hours, A cockatoo landed on the wiring
outside. They were very unusual things to happen, yet instantly my
mum felt relieved and that it was a sign that everything was OK.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Whether or not you believe in euthanasia, and what you want to
happen to you after your death. However, I think it is important to
let the loved ones you leave behind mourning do what they want too.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It is inevitable, yet something that I don't think about. I know
what I would want to have happen - ie. funeral/cremation etc. but
still don't think seriously about my own death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral as I was considered too young.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
A good question would be to ask what you think the best thing
would be to have happen to you after you die...as in a big party
to celebrate your life, or a sad funural with everyone crying...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Feb 21 15:32:44 2001
F21 in University Park, PA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: overdosage; Aged: 20.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of the physical body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasn't sure how to handle it and looked to others for ways on
handling it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was my great grandmother had died. I didn't think
anything of it at the time except that it was sad. At the funeral
during the exit procession is when I acutally shed my first tear
or showed any signs of emotions.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
is how I was obsessed with just on seeing my friend's body before
I left to go back to school.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it isn't so tragic as it seems.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Jeremy is watching over me now.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
the night i found out that my friend had died, I had gone outside
of my dormitory to have a cigarette. When i was out there, the
weather was very serene and calm. I was talking outloud to Jeremy
(my deceased friend) and I said that all I wanted to know was that
he was ok. At that point, a very large gust of wind had blown right
in my face and I could feel something chill down my spine.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Tue Feb 20 21:49:55 2001
F18 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student - sciences
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 50 ish.
--Details:
My uncle was schizophrenic and he committed suicide. The rest of
the family, although they never said anything, I know felt guilty.
Even I felt that if I had maybe said something or acted differently
it could have been prevented.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
going to sleep forever.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was lost and hurt. The loss of someone dear to me was foreign and
I still am not quite sure how to deal with it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...that it was a close friend of the families
and she often took care of me as a kid.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Depression. Serious "I want to stay in bed and never wake up"
depression.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That grieving may take years for some and to try to be sensitive
and allow them to talk about their feelings.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I think it made me think about my spiritual growth. I went from
Catholic to atheist and I am trying to get back to some type of
spirituality.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking about them to family members and actually carrying on
conversations with myself pretending they were a part of it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My depression and how I dealt with grief.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell them all that I love them and I wish i could have been with
them when they died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Continue with my life in the short term.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I had dreams after the death of someone with them in it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
In any situation someone is taken from another - in death.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I still feel that I would make the same mistakes that I made just
a few years ago.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I never really got to tell them how much I loved them.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The medical community tried to do what they could, but with the
budget cuts to health care they weren't able to do all that was
available.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Not a lot at the time for me. I thought it was stupid and I was
angry at a God who could just take lives.
--Religious Affiliation:
Agnostic and searching.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like we are all still connected in some way. They still love me
and I them.
--Regarding MONEY:
My parents paid for the funerals and i know it was not easy for
our family. They and I believe the whole process quite expensive
especially for something that is just a shell of what was.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It seemed to me that no one really cared, they could go home and
forget. They were crying but i was the niece or the grand-daughter
and I was the one who would go home and still feel hurt.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The actual burial. Everything just seems to cumulate to that moment
when it all becomes real.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when you start seeing less of this person. Everyone close to me
died without seeing me in a while - in comparison to when I would
normally see them.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
dreams where I talk to them and sometimes i feel like they are
with me.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no idea - maybe more time will help.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Nothing really needs to be said - a hug would suffice.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
They are the most peaceful dreams and I feel really good after
having one.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I wanted to commit suicide and actually attempted them. I remember
being so sad because i didn't want to die but I really had no idea
how i could keep living with what i was feeling. i know now that
i must be strong and that there will always be someone to help me
when I know it is not my time.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Talking out loud to them - but quitely so one thinks you're crazy.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I think I have manged to balance my life more. Instead of being
an A plus student I can settle for A minus B and take time out for
friends and family.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I think I have gotten closer to my mother and grand mother.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
Comfort from my family.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
I was quite young.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I tried to help my grandmother as best as a 14 year old could do with
the death of her son. It seemed that she didn't want to share any of
her feeling with anyone else and I am gald she felt me mature enough.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think it is a topic I need to revisit sometimes rather than push
it away.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I felt some of my answers were redundant - but that could just be
me at 1 am.
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Tue Feb 20 19:21:33 2001
F22 in oneida, wisconsin =united states=
Name: val
Email: <skaxs21=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
none
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
none
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 22.
--Details:
he hung himself in his basement with a pair of jean, he was also
highly intoxicated
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of everything for that person
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didnt know what to do or what to think, but all i could do was cry
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my cousin who was 22 hung himself
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
i wanted answers for everything that happened, and i didnt know
how to deal with it or what i should do
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
for the time that people are here. i appreciate my family and
friends and understand and can help them when they are going through
a bad time.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
getting over that fact that they will never be around again and
all i have left is memories
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
anything you can say is better then not saying anything at all
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be a part of his life and really know him for who he was.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear others going through the same thing and not being able to
comprehend what has happened
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he thought life wasnt worth living
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing because i cant imagine why god would let a person do such
a thing to themselves so now i dont believe in god anymore
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding MONEY:
is happened two days before christmas and we said goodbye to him
on christmas eve
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my aunt says she can see her son sometimes in the morning coming
up from downstairs and then comforting her and telling her not to
worry that he is much happier now
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
ive had times when ive felt that my life was worthless and i rather
kill myself, but because i know the pain and the suffering me and
my family has gone through, i never act on my thoughts cause i dont
want something like this to happen in the family again
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
and not knowing why he did it
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it uncovered some of the saddness i have hidden and has made me
re-appreciate who precious life is
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Mon Feb 19 13:14:08 2001
F in Woodland Hills, CA ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: graphic artist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 0 ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 41.
--Details:
Early Thursday morning 2/8/01 we got a frantic call from my daughters
best friend Brittany that her mommy is not waking up! She is stiff &
cold & purple. Tammy had died in her sleep. I saw the coroner take
her out in a blue body bag. She was buried on Friday 2/16/01 and
7 white doves were released. As I watched them circle the cemetary
and then fly off over the hillside, it hit me hard that I would never
see my sweet friend again. Game over...it's final, gone forever. No
more laughs, sushi, movies, bbq's, girltalk. She had a heart of
gold and a smile so big it could light up a room. She was dynamic,
alive, always fit, worked out daily, a nutritionist/dietician. WHY &
HOW does this happen that a 41 year old vibrant, healthy woman has
to leave a 14 year old daughter behind? To never see her pride and
joy go through all the precious milestones of life??? I cannot
stop crying. I don't know how to deal with this loss. It makes me
afraid. I don't want to die. I want to live & grow old. To see my
baby graduate, marry, become a mom. To see Tammy in a coffin
and put in the ground was so sad and tragic. It frightens me. I
wish I could be stronger.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end. Game over. You are history. You rot and can no longer be
with your loved ones. They are left behind to be miserable about
your leaving.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried
--That first time, how it happened was
Car accident H/S friend
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Blue body bag and 7 white doves flying off in the distance...fear
of dying too.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It sucks & there is no god or heaven.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Not to take life for granted. Live each day like it's your last!
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Nothing yet. Too soon. This is therapeutic though.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Fear of my own death
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
It happened to someone so alive and young
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is good. She would want me to crack up remembering some
of her antics.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend more time with her
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be alive!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be happy again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
feel so sad and can't stop getting choked up all the time.
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was very beautiful and she would have been pleased. However,
not enough people went up to speak. I myself was frozen in my chair
unable to move to say a few last words.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Mon Feb 19 06:23:13 2001
F27 in Burnley, =U.K=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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More personal info:
do not post please.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
no
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
n/a
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, yrs3 ago.
Cause of Death: bullet to the back of his head; Aged: 23.
--Details:
The circumstances of his death were never confirmed. He was shot
in the back of his head on the left-hand side. My brother was
right-handed. He was not alone at the time of his death, he had
a fellow co-worker with him who says that my brother shot himself.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a very deep sleep that you never wake up from. No dreams, no
thoughts, no emotions. Nothing.
--That first time, how it happened was
A young boy from sunday school, he was electrocuted in his parents
garden while vacuuming the car. I don't remember much else.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
looking at my brother lying on a concrete floor in a big black
plastic bag between two other corpses in a huge fridge filled
with twenty or more dead bodies. Some had been autopsied, most
were naked. There men men, women and children of all races.
It was very disturbing.
--What I think my (U.K) culture needs to better learn about death is:
no comment
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it has shocked me into getting my life in order.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
how little support I actually got from anyone. I felt very alone
and emotionally detached from everyone who knew my brother including
my family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
when i saw my brother lying there it looked like he was asleep and i
had to hold him, when i did i could smell soap and aftershave and
of course his blood. I coulnd't get rid of the smell, I didn't
want to let go of the last time I ever touched him.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am finding it very difficult to come to terms with his death because
there is so much that he is missing out on, there are so many things
that i wish i could say to him and so many things i wish i could
share with him, death is very final, there are no second chances.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i watch a film about a man dying. There is a song from the Goo Goo
dolls called Iris that always makes me think of my brother and cry.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I was driving around in town after I saw his body and i remember
thinking to myself "why isn't everyone crying, don't you know that
my brother is dead?"
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
great disgust and dissapointment
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I was extremly angry with my parents who are "Chritians" (when
they feel like being "Christians") because all they could say was
"it's God's will" they accepted his death with ease.
--Religious Affiliation:
I do not believe in God, angels or the Devil.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
There is no such thing, when you die it is the end. There is
nothing after death.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people were there - over 400- there was not enough room
in the church. It made me feel good because my parents always saw
my brother as a looser. 400 other people did not!
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when I walked into the fridge after the police man said to me
"look for him". I stood in the door way and looked around, there
was a man lying on a slab (he was dressed), he had a bullet wound
to his right temple. I remember looking at him and thinking "you
don't change when you die" the man had ginger hair and didn't look
anything like my brother.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
no comment
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i have many dreams of my brother but they are all bad dreams.
Mostly nightmares.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not afraid of dying. I just hope that I don't die before I
have reached my goals.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
my little sister and i have become very close.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I have been quite upset as it has made me try to remember the events.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Who do you hold responsible for your loved one's death and why.
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Mon Feb 19 00:01:05 2001
F49 in Henderson, NV =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 77.
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--Death Is:
leaving our body like an empty shell behind that we no longer
need anymore
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
coached him to go to the light
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...Father died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that we cannot take anything with us when we have to leave
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
we owe it to our loved ones to help them to die ... not to sit by
and watch them dehydrate and starve to death. Sitting and watching
for "God's will". We wouldn't let our dog or cat suffer like that!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
0
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
praying for them to die. This is a terrible thing to pray for.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
not letting them die alone
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was so happy that his suffering had ended
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
his heart and resperation started again after having died. this was
something that happens often - involuntarily
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it made me feel guilty and at the same time made me feel alive and
lifted some of the "unreal" feeling about what was really happening
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I dream that I can still talk to him. Or I try to call his number
and then I am hit with the reality that I cannot speak with him,
that he is dead.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
cross over just long enough for a 10 minute interview with my father
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt empty
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
disgust
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
presbytarian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
better and more believable
--Regarding MONEY:
there is a new realization that money and all material things
are meaningless. You can work all of your life and not take
anything with you. You will be wheeled out half naked on a gerney
by two unkept half crazed night workers and taken to a cold and
damp place until you can be cremated. You cannot even look back.
that body that you looked at in the mirror every day of your life
is now useless. Just like that old car that you never think about
again once you are given the keys to your new car
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
we did it without a single stranger being there. No strange
clergyman to utter useless words and phrases
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
a feeling of relief
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
recognition in the eyes of the person as he opens his eyes so wide
at the moment of death ... out of a dead coma, he opened his eyes
wide at the moment of death - as though he were seeing something
quite worth seeing
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
anger came long before the feelings of loss
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Sat Feb 17 11:22:00 2001
F46 in clarksville, pa =usa=
Name: marian
Email: <eddieo=at=charterpa.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i have read mr. moody's books
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Prof/Studies: ozohonish
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
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Tue Feb 13 06:59:48 2001
F31 in Worcester, =UK=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Looking for information about Grief Counselling, came across you
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Neighbor, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: Pneumonia / heart condition; Aged: 68.
--Details:
Suffered from asthma, turned to emphysemia in later life. Very ill,
refused to take advice on exercise and maintaing physical strength
/ wellness. Became more reclusive and dependant on others.
Eventually contracted pneumonia through refusal to live in a house /
care facility (chose to live in a caravan with minimal facilities).
Hospital released after a couple of weeks, without detecting heart
condition. Suffered a relapse within 24 hours of returning home,
placed into a nursing home, few days later found collapsed on floor,
oxygen tube no longer attached and suffering oxygen deprivation
/ heart attack. Died some hours later without fully regaining
consciousness.
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--Death Is:
The body ceases to function, stopping a physical prescence.
Unfortunately we have no way of determining what happens to the soul.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Experienced disbelief, mixed with relief that their suffering was
ended. A hope for their soul to find a good place to rest / relive.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... Grandfather died after a long battle with
stomach cancer. Died in terminal care at the hospital.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The family pulling together in mutual support, arguments and
conflicts put aside.
--What I think my (UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Each person needs to mourn in their own way. Rigid protocols can
make things harder to bear.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The family remembered what they mean to each other, and the strength
and belonging a sense of family can bring.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Time to myself, to think, remember and thank for the time i had
with them during their life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The pain and suffering of others close to me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
During the funeral - I felt uncomfortable being expected to display
my grief.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
We cannot endure being sad or upset constantly without falling
into a mental illness such as depression. It is vital for our
own health, mental wellbeing and healing that we continue to live,
whilst grieving. I would not begrudge anyone some good times and
happy memories whilst learning to cope with loss.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say goodbye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Remember them at the good times, not dwell on the bad.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The minister did not eulogise and speak general platitudes, but
spoke simply and truthfully without embellishment.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The need to be reserved and miserable seeming prior to and during
the service. We spoke of fondness, laughed and remembered happy
and good things prior and during, helping us remember why she was
so loved and missed.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I would like to share with her how my life is now, seek her advice
and generally be with her.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
She would be in pain, stripped of dignity, reliant on others and
not living the life she was so proud off. I would feel pain seeing
her this way.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Felt as though an important part of my life had been stolen.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Lack of personal attention, nobody dealing with this personally know
the deceased or the family - a result of the breakdown of community.
--Religious Affiliation:
None. Allowed to choose own route. Prefer to honour God in my
own way without structure imposed by religous group.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
The strength of nature.
--Regarding MONEY:
The family shared the cost amongst those that could afford it,
each contributed what they felt able to.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I felt a sense of unreality - a play.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
An altering of the relationship with family members.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would rather it be sudden and unexpected, so I can continue to
enjoy life without feeling the need to prepare and 'wrap it up',
leaving legal aspects etc nice and neat for others after.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
Emotional shutdown and pretence at strength
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
Continued discussions within family and expectations to cry and mourn
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
A sense of understanding, rather than confusion at the lack of
obvious tears.
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Mon Feb 12 13:47:01 2001
F20 in madison, wi =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: student, History and Mat Sci & Engr major
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
bible, 1984, their eyes were watching god, slaughterhouse 5, as i
lay dying, absalom absalom
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
william faulkner, kurt vonnegut
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: garage door; Aged: 3.
--Details:
my mother accidently closed the garage door as she was driving away
while the kitty was sitting on top of it. The kitty was apparently
scared to jump straight to the ground (she normally used the car
as a step to get to the ground) and was crushed as the door passed
through the frame.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
end of life as we know it...entrance into new consciousness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not know why it was so terrible that they weren't there anymore.
after all, people come and go.
--That first time, how it happened was
death of a grandfather who i saw 1-3 times a month. hardly noticed
he was gone. saw parents and siblings upset but i couldn't really
understand why.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
crying in my room, longing for my kitty to be okay. i remember
wishing my dad didn't insist our kitties be outdoor so they would
be safer.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not necessary the end or such a horrible thing. people often
don't seem to cope with it very productively.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my dad relented and allowed us to keep our kitties inside close to
us when 2 of them died as a result of cars. Also, we were able to
get some new kitties, who are wonderful.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
logical thinking...just reminding myself that everyone has to die
and perhaps there is a new plane of knowledge and consciousness in
this horizon. Belief in God was a part of this process.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing seeing them and wanting to talk with them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i could not come to the realization that they were dead. seems like
they've just gone on a long vacation.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
view things from an objective standpoint and realize the deceased
had a good life and that's pretty much the most you can ask for.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the decay of the body into food for living creatures
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
viewing the body, formal mourning and church rituals
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
having to sit through dull ceremonies that really didn't mean a
lot to me
--Religious Affiliation:
greek orthodox christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
possible
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i would like people to be happy i was moving on instead of getting
all upset and i would like them to all get along. it is important
to make sure people know whether to pull the pull on you when you
are in a critical state.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i hope i die before the people i know. i don't want to live very
long..hopefully not much beyond sixty. if i knew i were to die
soon, i would make a point of not slacking off in school or my
relationships as much. i'd be glad i was going to die in the
company of people i know instead of old and alone.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
looking at pictures of the deceased from time to time.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
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Sun Feb 11 22:00:55 2001
F14 in sydney, nsw =australia=
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Prof/Studies: school
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 50.
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--Death Is:
horrible and sad
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried all day and night
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
i nevered got to say good bye
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family and friends
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
she was the best
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
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Sun Feb 11 09:01:17 2001
M44 in calgary, alberta =canada=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: unemployed
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5 days ago.
Cause of Death: degerative emphazima; Aged: 69.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
remained fairly distant from it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mom's best friend's adolecent son died
of leukimia
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the overwhelming snse of loss. That my mom really IS gone, and will
never come back.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my mom rallied for a short time in the hospital and the entire
family got to say goodbye. She knew we were all there, and she knew
she was deeply loved and not alone.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my wife.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I would never be able to talk to my mom again, to
laugh with her, to be held by her.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them know they are loved and that they are not alone.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
handle being with her in the hospital. I never stopped crying,
but I never left her side, and I never stopped letting her know
how important to us all and how loved she truly was.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when I first heard she was in the hospital. we had seen her just two
days prior, and while she was by no means healthy, she didn't appear
to be any worse than she had been for some time. The suddenness of
the disease's final attack remains a matter of confusion to me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that never happened.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be less of a burden to my mom at times.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for her when she passed, and to make the final arrangements
almost to the letter of what she had said she wished to have happen.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my mom recovered enough to talk to and see all of us. she passed
knowing we were all there with her.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have been much more successful in life, and my mom would
have married the man that jilted her and would have lived happily
ever after.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
yep, because it ISN'T. She didn't need to die. I don't want her to
be gone. It's that simple.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
give my life for hers.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
don't know. I'm still not there I don't think.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
dissatisfaction. I KNOW there was very little that could be done for
my mom, but I will always wonder if they all pursued every option
available. Did they research any new techniques? Was there something
SOMEWHERE that they could have found if they had only looked?
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. Not to me being an athiest, but it was slightly important
to the rest of the family.
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding MONEY:
it was relatively unimportant. There was enough to cover all the
expenses. The telling point will be the disbursment of the estate,
which has yet to happen.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
haven't had it yet.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
none. there was nothing 'weird' whatsoever. it was sad and
heartbreaking and devastating, but I felt or saw nothing which
could be discribed as unusual.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a sudden rally.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it is a rollercoaster ride. one minute smiling in fond remeberance,
the next in racking tears. And often the two together at the exact
same time.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
didn't appear to have happened.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The only thing I can think of is that I wish I could have paid mom
back all the money I owe her when she need it and could have used
it. But as far as relationship issues go, no, there were none. She
left loving and being loved.not yet
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell her not to worry about us all. We will be alright.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
At her bedside, I asked her that if it proved to be at all possible,
that would she please come back to me and let me know that everything
was okay, but that has yet to happen.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
definately have all of your own arrangements made before hand. Don't
make your survivors deal with it. Make your passing as easy and
uncomplicated for them as you can. And make sure that your wishes
about your own death are know, discussed, and clear to those that
are involved.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't fear death. For me the only issue is the pain and sorrow
it causes those left behind.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
no. I guess all I could say to that was I think I did most of my
gieving at her side before she she left us. And because my mom
weighed only 62 pounds at the time of her death, it made it easier
for me to think that she was definately better off out of her poor
ravaged body.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
it has only been 5 days, so its still to early to know yet.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
not yet
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
wasn't too close to her son, he was just 5 or so at the time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
There really is nothing. It freaking HURTS. Simply knowing that
others are there for you helps quite a bit, but you grieve, and
nothing anyone can say or do changes that a great deal.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it didn't help me re-think anything, but it was cathartic in a
sense to discuss this without being inundated by platitudes.
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Sat Feb 10 22:22:56 2001
F36 in victoria, british columbia =canada=
Name: Beth burton-krahn
Email: <beth=at=burton-krahn.com>
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Prof/Studies: MA counselling
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Lifetimes, the beautiful way to explain death to children
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Bryon Mellonie and Robert Ingpen
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 23 years ago.
Cause of Death: leukemia; Aged: 40.
--Details:
my father was an engineer working with nuclear submarines, many of
his colleagues also succumbed to cancer over the next decade.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the opposite of birth
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt terrified and ungrounded, tossed onto the great sea of
meaninglessness
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father was diagnosed with leukemia in the
spring of 1978 and by october of 1978 he was dead. I was not told
of the magnitude of his illness, nor was I really included in the
grieving process, of course most attention was paid to my mother, who
of course was in deep deep pain. She commented to me recently that
she was sad we were all kept apart during the grief, ie her separated
from us children, just by way of adults keeping her to themselves
and us "kids" left to fend for ourselves. That is how I remember it
anyway. And I don't have any real memories of her holding me, which
I needed so desperately and just generally no real talk about DEATH.
This death came on the heels of an existential crisis I had had 5
years earlier, (of course I didn't call it that then) but I recall
that I was inconsolable and crying desperately about the fact that
"we are going to die" of course from my parents perspective, they
must have been absolutely freaked right out of their minds, this
eight year old kid, rocking back and forth, snot dribbling down her
face, literally coming a part at the seams, although I can't for
the life of me recall what precipitated it, I do remember exactly
where I was, (lying on the floor of my oldest sisters' bedroom,
bedtime, nighttime) that is all I remember. and my mom, deperate
to calm me, don't worry dad and I will live for millions of years.
Well didn't that come back to haunt her. I am not blaming her, but I
sure know that that also set up more fear about the the great FEAR.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mother just crumbling and being held up physically. the physical
toll that death takes on the living
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is NOT a medical failure. It is a part of the whole package.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was thrust into this search and have found my way to peace through
having experienced the death of my father
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends, and although I was a teenager, My support from my best
friend, her "being there-ness" while I lost both my father to death
and then my mother to alcoholism, she was a rock and I will always
be indebted to her for just hanging with me, when I was such a weepy,
emotional, wild teenager.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the subsequent loss of my mother to alcoholism.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
there is no right thing to say, BEING THERE is the right thing to say
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
AN AUNT SENT ME A BOOK CALLED saying goodbye to a loved one,
when a parent dies, by Eda Leshan. This gesture has always stood
out for me as so caring and connecting
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about my sons, and how I am most afraid of dying before
them, and I really don't want to, because finding my way through
that was the most difficult thing I have ever done. And just not
having a father really sucked.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I don't have a father to help me go through the teen years with
--Religious Affiliation:
buddhist, hindu, unitarian,
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a coming home
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
the passage of time coupled with extensive work on myself, grief
and otherwise, etc
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
this was a wonderful experience. In all honesty I lost interest
in questions surrounding the event, specifically, because I don't
have many specific MEMORIES from which to draw from, so that is
why I didn't write answers to many questions, I simply am unable,
at this time, to access that information from my mind, body, spirit.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Feb 9 12:04:36 2001
F20 in Canandaigua, NY =USA=
Name: Ginger
Email: <ginger_c=at=juno.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student, english major, psych minor
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Teacher, 7 ago.
Cause of Death: murder/strangulation; Aged: 20-something.
--Details:
Murdered by her fiance on the night before their wedding. They were
arguing about his gambling problems. It was her first year teaching,
and she was very young and promising.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our bodies cease to support life. They malfunction, break
down, or are actively destroyed beyond their capabilities for self-
and assisted repair.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young, and it didn't really sink in right away.
--That first time, how it happened was
Neighbor, died from prolonged illness. I was friends with her
daughter.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
um, what are you asking? Most recent death would be my boyfriend's
grandmother, I remember most how much it affected him, and how
grateful he was that I could be there for hi,.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Being able to talk about it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
She was a Christian, I believe she's in heaven.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
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Wed Feb 7 20:36:58 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
ask.com
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 11 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: an enlargened heart; Aged: 73.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transition in which we leave our phsical body behind to join God in
heaven and wait for everyone else one earth to join us. In heaven you
will be with all the other good people who died if you are good too.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn;t take it all in at first.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was my Grandfather died. I was involdved because
I loved him very much.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was not included in hospital visits because of my age and everyone
felt like I had to be "shielded". I hated that. Yet I had the
strongest connection with the person who died.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That we need to focus on the fact we will see that person again.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It makes you feel that you need to live life to it's fullest.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family members helping me remember him at holidays
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling that I really lost some one who was completely on my side.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
make sure you don't let any one keep you "shielded" from the dying
person, some people feel they have to because of unpleasantries
and lame stuff like that.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
still feel a great connection with him even though I can't see
him. I cn feel him helping me and guiding me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when I got the original news. It didn't hit me and I blew it off.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didn't want to laugh at all.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Go to the hospital, tell him everything I wanted to say.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Spend most of my childhood years with him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I helped him pick out his headstone and coffin a week before he
died and I thought the whole thing was frivilous because my Grandpa
would never die.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
the holidays come around or I see old pictures
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I wouldn't have had such a wild teenaged life. I would have hads
ome who really understood me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when some one young dies
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Die now and rejoin him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried. I prayed to him and hoped to heaven he would watch
over me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
none, too young to care about the medical community
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
catholic church
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true
--Regarding MONEY:
money was a small burden
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was all preplanned
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
it was so abrupt in my young mind
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Feb 7 16:35:51 2001
M43 in Kelowna, BC ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Looking for information on understanding life in general
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
New Bible
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
I believe God wrote this
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, yrs 7 ago.
Cause of Death: Heart; Aged: 71.
--Details:
Tachacardia. Bad lungs. Diabetes. (Latter caused by drugs.) Denial
by him and medical staff. Edema. Kidneys shut down.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The soul, or spirit in us comes from God as sons and daughters
of God. Our spirit enters a body while in the womb. We are here
to learn, be tested and to find what we are made of. We are to
be noble, loving from the heart and really good from our inner
beings. Godly. At a set time we pass again from our bodies and face
our heavenly-true dad.(God) and we if we are worthy rule over angels,
or be banished from his precense as those who longed for only the
superficial and vain.. like fallen angels, or something.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Knew it was meant to be. It was his time and life would go on.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My Grandfather died of old age. It was his
wife, who died of missing him. She died inwardly after he died,
then she joined him in death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I knew he has suffered inwardly and his pain had caused much pain. He
could have been a god-loving-kind, but in his ignorance he lost
who he really was. I feel sad for him. He tried his best.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Natural. Part of our eternal being.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That it can bring an end to physical suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My own prayer time and meditation. I am terminally ill and that
has scared many away, leaving me alone
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the hope that was lost in what could have been for him.(my late
husband.)
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I don't know what I would have done without you." He said. I
was there 100% to walk with him to the bathroom-do all the mommy
things. Also helped my friend die in comfort-- bed cleaned, potty
use and quiet. Like giving someone basic comfort when all else
falls away as trivial.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Life is to be lived. Don't wait until you feel better, you maqy
never do so
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
They wonder how to hang on to the point of losing self to medicine
and machines
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Who is to say what stress relief is to one?
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Nothing
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there and help smooth the transition for them and family. Help
with funeral. Letting them know how normal dying is and feeling
that come are ok.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My husband was told he was dying (Finally) he turned to the nruse
and asked "is this how it feels to die?" the nurse said "it is
different for everyone." This was the first and only truty told
him by the medical system
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Hi will!
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of my friends children. Their life in her is over and her
wishes for them ignored. I regret living sometimes as I have not
died and the ones I love have.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Ideally I will be godlike in a different realm, ruling over angels,
being all that I think an angel should, or can be for them when it
is my time-- to walk and talk with God
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
The children and their mother dying. The vain hopes caused by
Doctors and ignorance
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die and be rid of my body
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
want to make my contacts with the others I know count. Not let
moments get away from us
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Frustrated. They can not do anything with grace, but with soem brute
strength.... fix bones, chemo, radiation. Nothing with much else
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Very poor! Found them to be gossipy. My story was common gossip
fodder and in error. Very--very poor! When I complained there
was no response at all. No grace! Also lack of understanding re:
my faith. My Hospice worker said "she would not be caught dead
in a church." Very anti Christian. I am a Christian. This hurt
me deeply!!!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Bible study. Medidation. Soul searching. Prayer and then church
for friendship and communion
--Religious Affiliation:
Born again Christian. Bible follower at least I try
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
We all have a common will to be right with our truth. Those who
try--really strive to know, grasp, understand truth for truth's sake,
be good for goodness sake, to be above the madness for something
higher are really on the righ track and the track will find them
--Regarding MONEY:
so many people wanted his left-over stuff!
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
They came, but they were only there to see what he left them. Those
who expected nothing did not come
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The aborted trip to the bathroom. I was helping him to the
bathroom. He felt od. I said you are ok. He fell back in my arms. I
remember his blue lips and his bloated unseeing eyes as he lay there
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Blue lips and buldging eyes. A lack of interest in life too I
guess... Just wanting to be alone and quiet
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Dying is missing all the times we could have had .
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
No
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I went down a mountain in a truck. 50 ft drop. Much bouncing
around. Dark. I saw a hall. Door at the end. People waiting. Four
people. There was no time there. Not one million years the same as a
second. Just no time at all. No past, present, or future. They were
just there waiting for me. My father called my name. I said to him
"I'm dead." thinking he would say "I'm dead too." and we would both
walk down the hall. At that point I 'woke up.'
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Had guilt. Worked that through with prayer and meditation. Know
we all made our bed and to lay in them is also our choice. We live,
we do, we die, we go on.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
You were a good husband to me. I am glad you and I were married. I
think of you as a gift from God. I do love you.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
no
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Be honest. Don't say :"you will be ok." if death is going to
happen. Let it happen. Don't drag it out. Be silent. Be queit if
needed, laugh if needed. Be real.Be there. Don't preach. Don't
gossip. We, the dying, are not doing so for public entertainment!!!!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have met breast cancer since 1994. Signed a DNR 1996. Been on the
Palliative ward. Had cancer dxed in 1992. Been dying with lawyer
and will signed a few times. Ok now not healed, but living with
death all the time....
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Working over my relationship problems with my late husband.. Healing
memories
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Thinking the only thing that reallty matters is what am I doing and
is it something I can do and face God with? Over? Is it something
I can do honestly and with grace? And love is all that matters love
and what lasts forever!
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
NO
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
It is an individual thing. Reflects their life and values
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
Other's fears
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Set up a support group. Joined list/serv on net. Let people who
are dying know how I feel and how I live. This helps others...
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
To remember with love those who had died and maybe this wil help
others??/ Who knows??
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
Enhancements: no
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Wed Feb 7 15:42:29 2001
M18 in Lancaster, CA =USA=
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Prof/Studies: theology,psychology,and martial arts
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 17.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a new begining
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young and it was saddening.
--That first time, how it happened was
not real well it was an older friend. He died because of a drug
overdose.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I remember thinking that I need to make alot of changes in the way
I live my life.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That death is not an end but a begining. If someone close to you
dies a part of them lives on in you. Your loved one wouldn't want
you to feel sad.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Dealing with death gives you a greater reason to live on.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I feel that God and my loved one that past away gave me the most
support to deal with his death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The feeling of lonliness and regret.
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to cope with it by beleiving that my friend was in a better
place and he would want me to live my life to the fullest.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was never confused
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Save my friend from the lifestle he was living.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
deal with my friends death and learn something out of the tradegy. It
also gave me the strenth and inspiration to change the negative
things in my life. Through it all it has helped me set direction
in my life and give me purpose.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I spoke to my deceased friend to release my emotions of remorse
and regret.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think my life would be much different. I know that I would
certainly think,feel, and act differently.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I did not feel that this should have happened however it may have
been for the best. My friend is in a better place now and thats
all that matters to me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I felt as if I myself had died inside and that death was the only
thing left for me.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Religion played a large part in the grieving process however I
dealt with this death alone.
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I know that we are all connected through our spirit.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
letting my loved one go not trying to hold on to them. This is for
your own good. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting thier memory and
it doesn't mean that person no longer exists. What it means is you
move on and a part of them is left with you.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Wether living or died tell that person you love them, you'll miss
them, you will live for them, and you will see them again.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I do talk to my deceased loved ones when they pass and I do
think about what I think they would say. This is very important
to grieving.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
It has never happened to me or anyone I know,but I beleive that your
loved one is looking over you and may even be helping you along. You
may not see them and they may not come to you in a dream ,but I do
think if necessary they may talk to you in spirit.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Regardless of belief death is apart of life and something happens
when you die. One must always remember that life goes on with or
without you. If you live in the past you will never go forward. You
need to think about how you would want your loved ones to deal
with your death, if you want to understand how they want you to
deal with yours.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would embrace death as I do life with positive thoughts and
feelings. Death is a rebirth and that can seem scary because of the
unknown. Life is full of suprises why would death be any different.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I do several things but there is no real process for me. I pray,
talk to that deceased person, I remember them , I think positive
thoughts, I then let them go, and move on.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Often times things like this occur and I've had ssuch an experience.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
God
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
The way to help a person deal with a death is to help them understand
it. Then you need to remind them how to live.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I did this to help others cope with death. I do feel however
that these questions have helped me to understand more about my
feelings of death. I think this will help people and I sure hope
it does. Thankyou.
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Wed Feb 7 15:32:59 2001
F16 in ---, VA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
looking at psychology stuff on yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Sixteen and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Lauren McDonald
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, one year ago.
Cause of Death: Lung Cancer; Aged: 52.
--Details:
Rare form of Lung cancer. He had gone through three different
chemotherapies, but they seemed to do more harm then good. Then the
third one was mild and it helped him a bit. He seemed like he was
getting better until he had a seizure and was sent to the hospital,
where he died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a permanent state of sleep. Almost as if there is an alarm clock
inside of us. Most alarm clocks are used to wake us up, but once
this internal alarm clock goes off, we go to sleep.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was stunned. I cried more for his widowed wife who was crying
uncontrollably. I didn't really feel an overwhelming sense of loss
or grief. The man had died. But he was better off dead then living
with those horrible side effects from the chemotherapies that left
him unbelievably sick. I am happier that he is gone and pain-free
instead of alive and suffering.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was one of my father's best friends.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how scared I was at the funeral. I wouldn't go near his casket.
I'm not too sure why. I guess it's just the thought of seeing him
so peaceful, as if he were sleeping, and knowing that he wasn't.
Or that death was some sort of parasite and that if I get too close
it would consume me too. One thing I am certain of, is that I was
terrified that if I'd touch him, then that would be my rock-solid
evidence that he was really, truly dead and gone, and I didn't want
that to be.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not completely evil...that people don't cry because the
person's gone, but because they won't have that person with them
anymore, which is a bit selfish, but in a way, you've given your
love to this person and now that their not there to give some love
back, you have a right to be selfish. But our culture needs to
learn that death should be a celebration of the departed's life,
and not a time where you feel that they have deserted you.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I had the honor of knowing him. He was my father's best friend,
and sort of like my unofficial godfather. I am glad that he's made
an impact in my life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
writing about what I felt, what I didn't feel but expected to
feel....
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
coming to terms with the fact that they were dead, lying in a casket
just a few feet away, but I couldn't muster up the courage to get
over my fear of death to hold his hand, kiss his cheek, and say
thank you for the wonderful influence he has been to me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It may sound horrible of me, but I was happy that I was alive.
He may have died, but I was still alive and able to do all the
things I want to do.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with him while he was sick.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for his wife. She had an overwhelming sense of grief
after the death of her husband. They had a very loving marraige
and she was terrified of living without him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
her [the widow] grandson came over to her. He was just barely
walking...and he had no grasp of the situtation. But he loved his
grandmother and went over to her and climbed into her lap and made
her smile a little and gave her a hug.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
saying those horrid cliques that I hate so much like "He's off to
a better place".... Saying things like that annoys me more than
it helps. What I think is necessary is physical contact...hugging,
kissing. Just a sensory connection with the one who was hit with
grief the hardest to keep them from withdrawing from friends.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I write about the experience like I'm doing now.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would be the same as it was before he got sick. I would love
that.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
never had that thought. It was completely fair. What was unfair
was using chemotherapy as a way to kill him but still manage to
keep him alive.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
overcome this feeling of death. It happened with my pet hamster
when I was a little girl and it still shakes me up now.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sat in my bed, in the dark and just cried. And then I played some
Sarah MacLachlan and looked through photos and remembered some of
the good times we've had.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Medicine was not helping him. It actually did a lot more harm than
good since they'd put him in three different (and for the most part
painful) chemotherapies.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I didn't know about it. He preffered not to have people see him in
the state that he was in while sick...he didn't even tell anyone
about his cancer except for his wife and kids until a few weeks
before he died.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
did nothing for me. I was not comforted with visions of my friend
being an angel frolicking amongst the clouds or boiling in Hell.
I don't really think about the afterlife.
--Religious Affiliation:
None at the moment. I was raised Roman Catholic but I'm not quite
sure if I'm satisfied with the denomination.
--Regarding MONEY:
pooling in money from family and friends to pay to have him buried
back where he was born...were he was happiest...halfway across
the world.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the jovial mood at the viewing. I'd always expected it to be somber
and quiet...but there were some teary-eyed people but most were
talking (not in hushed tones) and laughing and telling stories.
It was from them I learned to celebrate life instead of death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
griefing takes many different forms and takes varying lengths of
time to unfold. The only thing there is to do is be patient with
the grieving one and be there when they want you to be and don't
be there when they don't want you to be.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
heirlooms, precious belongings, money that I've kept should be
used to pay for my funeral rather than bumming out the money from
friends and family
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am terrified of my own death and I don't think there's anything I
can do to fix it. I'm terrified of dying quick and not finishing
all I want...I'm terrified of dying a slow death and feeling that
impending sense of doom. I'm worried about the people I leave
behind and what will happen to them.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I would spend hours and hours listening to Sarah MacLachland...for
any sort of sad experience. Usually one or two songs over and over
and over and over again until I feel like I've mended the raw edges
enough to face the world again.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I make the effort to connect more with friends and family now.
Not only would there be a chance that one of them might leave but
also to keep myself from being a recluse as my friend had been
during his last few months.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I've become closer to my dad. It was his best friend that had
died and he did suffer a blow from it. I'm glad that I was there
to help him.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped bring up the memories...I think writing this out and
answering these questions helped to bring a sense of closure that
I did not have before. It brought up issues that I'd buried inside
of me.
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Wed Feb 7 09:49:52 2001
F25 in St. Charles, Mo =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I searched for test/quizzes/surveys.
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Prof/Studies: Reception
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 72.
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--Death Is:
a time when our life on Earth ends and our souls move on to another
place.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was about 6 yrs old. It was my maternal grandfather that passed.
I don't remember going to the funeral, although I've been told I
was there.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my grandfather that passed away. I'm told I was at the
funeraly, but I don't remember it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
It hurt me and my family very badly. I was very close to my grandpa,
as was my dad, and my grandma.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It makes me appreciate those who are still with me. I can look
back on memories of whomever passed and cherish those. But I can
also cherish the time I have with friends and family around me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
thinking back on all the good times. Also knowing in my heart that,
that person is in a better place and is still with me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching my grandpa suffer and deteriorate from cancer.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My grandma died when I was 13.. she was only 62. I didn't understand
why she had to go so soon.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it's just a way to release a mess of emotion.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk more with my grandpa. Listen to stories about his life
experience.. and let him know just how much I love him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They did a great job in keeping my grandpa pain free.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I was never in personal contact with them. But I was told how good
they were, and how comfortable they kept him.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Tue Feb 6 15:44:45 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 32yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Pneumonia; Aged: 47.
--Details:
It was unexpected.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a beginning.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was curious.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandfather, who was being cared for at
home died at home.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was suprised. Actually shocked by the sudden occurance.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Don't feel that my culture needs a better understanding.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that death, just as life's other experiences, are sacred.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my belief system.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing speaking to them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just be there with love.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is an outward expression of the joy I felt at remembering
so many things.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say good bye.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sought the company of family.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a support system.
--Religious Affiliation:
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Tue Feb 6 14:04:28 2001
F28 in Beaumont, California =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
link
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Prof/Studies: caregiver
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Mourning Handbook
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Helen Fitzgerald
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: brain tumor; Aged: 54.
--Details:
This individual was my mentor in college. He was like a second
dad to me. I wanted to follow in his footsteps. We were on a trip
for a class when he had a seizure and then we found out he had 3
tumors. He lived for 1 year and 5 days and died about 5 months before
I graduated. Even though we all knew he was going to die it was
still a shocker when I found out. I can honestly say that I don't
remember anything I learned after he had his seizure. I still can't
figure out how I even was able to concentrate enough to pass classes
and graduate. By the way, there was no counseling offered to us
even though many of us were on the trip where he first became ill.
That is the biggest thing that has bothered me. This was a very
well liked professor and many of us were deeply affected by his
illness but we were discouraged from talking about him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something that happens to every living thing that we cannot control.
For the person who has died it is there chance to rest now but for
the living it can have profound effects depending on the type of
relationship one had with the person and the ways a person chooses
to cope.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried for days. I was a teenager and could not believe that my
classmate was not only gone but gone because of something he did.
I also lost a tremendous amount of weight.
--That first time, how it happened was
When I was 15 a classmate of mine one of the nicest people ever
knew, died in drunk driving accident tha twas his fault.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how differently my family reacted. My most recent death was that
of my cousin Rosa Kinda. One of my sisters and I cried a lot and
felt that it was absolutely necessary to ge to the funeral where my
other sister, my mom and my dad, felt that it was a waste of money
to travel only 500 miles to go to her funeral. Those other members
of my family never shed a tear and do not talk about her at all.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to not only talk about it but to listen. Too often people stay
away from those that are greiving because they do not want to have
to listen to the person in mourning. I think that is because we
live in a society where people don't want to think about the thought
that they too will die someday.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I now am a much more understanding person when it comes to
others greiving. I would like to think that by sharing some of
my experiences I can help someone else cope when they are going
through a tragedy
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the person I lost. I did not have support from others around me
so I am still coping by realizing that my lost loved one is still
there with me. I am not a church going person but I do believe
that my religious beliefs help play a part in this in that I do
believe my mentor went on to a better place.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that I had no one close to talk to. I have always been the one
that people turn to for encouragement but hen it came time for me
to find a shoulder to cry on there was nobody there. My family was
the worst of all. I have a sister that thinks it was funny that I
had such a hard time dealing with the loss of, as my family would
put it, was just a teacher.
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have learned to cope with grief just by getting my hands on all
the material I could find on the grief process.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my mentor was diagnosed with 3 tumors in the brain and it hit me
that he was never coming back to teah.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is the best medicine. My mentor had a great sense of humor
and at the funeral a bunch of us students were standing outside in
the parking lot just completely cracking up talking about him.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my mentor. He lived for over a year after he
was diagnosed but I only went to see him at his home once even though
I'm sure he would have let me go as often as I wanted. My reasons
for never having enough time to go see him are rediculous to me now.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell my mentor how much he meant to me. Before he became ill I never
really let people know on a regular basis how much I appreciate them.
Now I do it all the time and iconsider myself blessed to have
had the opportunity to let my mentor know he was like a dad to me.
He knew exactly how I felt about him when he died.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
they had the funeral, my mentor had already been cremated and there
was no body so I guess it was actually a memorial service but we had
a few of those so I like to call the formal one the funeral. To me
I think it would have really hit me that my mentor at that point was
really gone if there would have at least been an urn or something.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that fellow students and coworkers of my mentor thought it would be a
good idea to not talk about my mentor so that we could all move on.
People acted as if he never existed or sopme evenas if it were a
relief he was no longer around.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I get recognoition for something. Ever since my mentor died I don't
really like to receive recognition for volunteer work because it
always makes me so sad that I cannot share that moment with the
one person who instilled in me the importance of caring for others.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If my mentor were still alive I think I would have gone onto grad
school and finished by now and probably be considering getting a
doctorate just like he did. I might actually not be the failure
so many consider me to be now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my mentor died in the prime of his life even though he took
good care of himself. He was'nt a drinker or a smoker or had bad
eating habits but still he died at 54 years old.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have one more day with my mentor. He often taught skills on just
getting through life and there are so many questions I would want
to ask him on how to deal with certain aspects of my life.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
actually started looking for someone just like my mentor. I looked
everywhere for a replacement. I figured if I could find someone
just like him everything would be fine.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did the best they could. I knew that brain tumors were very
deadly even before my mentor became ill and from what my mentor would
tell me they did all they could for him. I'm grateful they were
able to keep him around long enough for people to say their goodbyes.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
at first I just felt so alone but one day a few months after my
mentor died heard someone say you are never alone if you believe
in God and since that point I have never felt alone.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
just right. I agree with that. I'm Catholic and my mentor was
an ex-Catholic married to a Jewish woman so there was a Jewish
ceremony. From what I remember it didn't matter what your beliefs
were. Everyone was just as sad as the next person.
--Regarding MONEY:
my mentor was fairly well off which to me was a bit comforting
because he left behind a wife who was also ill and a 14 year old son.
It was nice knowing they wouldn't suffer in that aspect.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that it was a nice send off. The funeral was 2 days after he died
so there wasn't a whole lot of time to have all who cared about
him there but those that were there more than made up for thosw
htat couldn't be there. In other words it wasn't the quantity but
rather the quality of the people that were there that mattered.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that there was a sense of relief that I felt in knowing that my
mentor was no longer suffering. For the last 2 months of his life
he couldn't see anymore and he suffered a lot.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when the person is no longer able to correspond with you. I knew
things were bad when my menotrs wife signed the Christmas card.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I pretty much follwed the textbook model of grief up to a certain
point but when I was going throught em I did'nt know about them so
I had no idea thst my emotions were normal.. What was different
for me was that the timelines for when certain stages should end
or begin were way off. Its been 4 years since my mentor died and
I still haven't felt any desire to learn like I used to.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't know of any.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The only issue I have is that I did not spend enough time with
my mentor. My way of resolving this has been to learn from that
mistake. As fate would have it my father became ill about a year
after my mentor died. At that point I had to make the decision
to either go out and start a career or to become a full time
caregiver for my dad. I chose to become a caregiver and it is
the best decision I have ever made because I now know that people
don't live forever and that spending time with a loved one is more
precious than money.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would thank him for teaching me so much about life and I would
ask him how he would deal with some of the issues I've dealth with
since he died. I think that another chance to talk with him would
make me a stronger person and would help me top speak up for myself.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
From what I have seen, I think it is important to discuss what people
want in the event of their death but just because it is important
doesn't mean people want to talk about it. Last year my Dad was
very ill and I decided to try and set up some preplanning in case
something happened and my mother and sister flipped out and said
I was trying to killhim because to them if you even think about
death it will happen.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
For the longest time I didn't make long term plans because I thought
I was going to die. As for how I would feel if I knew I were going
to die soon, First I wouldn't want to know but I really can't answer
how I would feel if I did know because I think that is something
you cannot speculate about and can only know the answer to when
you are actually in the situation.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I planted roses in my garden that represented things related to
my mentor. They bring me great joy when they bloom. I also kept
a journal which helped tremendously.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
One thing that I do that people find strange is that whenever I have
to do any public speaking, I take a picture of my menotor with me.
This makes my nerves disappear.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I've had an experience just like this. When I first moved to the
town I live in, there was a police officer in town who became my
first friend here. He filled a tremendous void for me and at one
point of my life was the only person I knew well that treated me like
a human being. The neat thing is that he is nothing like my mentor
so there are no comparisons. I must admit though that I always
fear that this person will die an early death too but the longer I
know him the longer I realize that not everyone I love will go away.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
I decided at that point that my way of not fogeting this person was
to not drink. 13 years later I still don't drink and that decision
has kept me out of a lot of trouble especially when I was in college.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
Teenage years were difflicult enough to deAL with and when someone
your own age dies it makes it even harder.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I've had the opportunity to help others by sharing my experience a
few times but I know that I need to be much more educated on the
grief process before I can give any real advice but I think that
my experiences have helped others out a little. I know I wish i
could have known someone that knew what I was going through.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This is a grat questionnaire. It has allowed me to express some
feelings that I have not had the opportunity to share with others.
I like the open ended questions because they allow for people to
express their emotions.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I would like it if you would add the word mentor or teacher or
something like that to your list of relations to the individual
that died.
[Ed Note: thanks for the note; Done! ]
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Tue Feb 6 02:28:18 2001
F20 in , NJ =USA=
Name: Taryn
Email: <labtyd=at=nac.net>
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Prof/Studies: not employed-on disability
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 years ago.
Cause of Death: colon cancer; Aged: about 75.
--Details:
he got really sick, and he thought it was just the flu, but it kept
going and getting worse for weeks until finally he couldn't even
keep water down. so he went to the hospital and ran some tests
on him, and what the came up with was severe colon cancer, which
could have been diagnosed and treated long before it was terminal,
but my grandfather avoided going to the doctor like the plaque so
no one ever knew. he died 6 months later
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our body permanently stops funtioning in all ways it could
before.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really care, because i didn't know the person well enough
to really feel emotions.
--That first time, how it happened was
i was about 6 and one of my playmates from down the street's
grandfather passed by us to talk to my grandfather, while we were
playing outside my house one day. and then he just collapsed right
there. my grandafather called called an ambulance and when it got
there, he went down the street and told his family that he was
living with about it. the two of us just stood there and watched
everything until eventually my his mother came and picked him up to
take him to the hospital where his grandfather was going. I later
found out from my family that he has died from a stroke.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mother breaking down in tears at the end of my grandpa's memorial
service, after sprinkling holy water on his coffin. i held her and
she sobbed, as we followed the coffin out of the church.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
i don't know what "Death" actually is because i'm not dead yet,
so i couldn't say
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
all the positive things you remember about the person who died,
that you never noticed while they were alive. it reminds you to
try be that way too, and to see those positive characteristics in
other people every day and let them know it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own inner strength
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the feeling of them being a major part of my life for so long,
and then having them just being gone forever.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
sincerely apologizing for past wrongdoings against them, and telling
them how much you really love them.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
accepted it as a part of him growing older,and found the strength
to continue to talk about him in retrospect even though it hurt
sometimes.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
a 14 year old boy in my high school, who was a boy scout, and a
fun, friendly, giving, person with lots of friends who loved him
was killed in a skiing accident on a school ski trip. i couldn't
believe that could happen to somebody like that.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is just another way of dealing with negative emotions and
it is ok and even healthy sometimes.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
everytime i read about a good or innocent person dying, and what
their families and friends must have to go through
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
live in a dream world of my own creation, where everything will
always be the way i want it
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was still very angry that it had to happen to people who didn't
deserve it, but accepted that it is just soemthing that happens to
people and you have to get past it in anyway that you see fit.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude. they did everything they could for my grandfather to
make him comfortable even though it was to late to save his life.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
i did not go to the hospital when my grandfather was sick. i didn't
want to see him in that situation. but i think he understood that.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
absolutely nothing. i am an atheist at heart. but for my mother it
meant a lot. she needed that to cling to.
--Religious Affiliation:
Agnostic, but truly do not believe in God deep inside. I have always
been raised to believe what ever i wanted.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
i didn't really know the man very well. and even my friend was just
an aquintance that i played with sometimes, so it didn't affect
me at all
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Mon Feb 5 08:50:04 2001
M44 in Ottawa, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Geoff Derry
Email: <geoffderry_=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
From Death site - totentanz.de
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Prof/Studies: Visual Artist -
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More personal info:
I've read a lot about thanatology and the facts of mortality. Most
of my art work for some time now deals with this.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: prolonged illness of heart and kidney; Aged: 62.
--Details:
My mother was dying for most of my life. when I was 9 she expected to
die before I turned 19. She died when I was 36. Her death was both
a tragedy and a loss but also a relief and an end to waiting. She
declined enormously over all those years. The woman that died
eventually was not the woman I knew as a child.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
part of the organic process of existence. The evolutionary structures
that have developed for our species require a limited existence. It
is just part of being alive.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was greatly relieved that a terifying element had been removed
from life.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...that my paternal grandfather died. He had been
ill for three months. I was greatly relieved since I was terrified
of him. All the stories about him that I knew were bad. I couldn't
understand why anyone was sad that he was dead.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how empty it all was. That there was no big change, no big nothing,
just stopping.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not a failure.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the end of the story. Death gave my mothers life completion.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own contemplation on what it meant - or if it meant anything
at all.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the guilt about the relief that this was over.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be very very sensitive to what that person wants. They are the one
that is dying afterall. Give them what they need not what you need.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have accepted it. Her living is over, and like a good book, it came
to an end at the right time. Also that living and a life are not
the same. Just because the living is over the life remains a fact,
albeit historical now.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I got over the initial shock and compared my fellings with those
around me. Some did better than others.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that it is a normal release of stress just like hospital humor.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
No actually I had the opportunity to give my mother back some of
my memories of her that she had forgotten. I got to make peace with
her before the end.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I think that I am simply glad that it ended and allowed the rest
of us to get on with our lives.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my mother actually died. One moment she was "there" and the next
she wasn't. All of a sudden she was simply flesh.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I don't get all teary eyed particularly. Yes when I think of my own
death or that of someone near me I get teary-eyed but not because
they die. Just because the living will suffer the loss.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If she had never gotten sick life would be so different that i
would npt reconize it. She was sick, she did die, and at the end
it was a relief for all of us.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
and relized that like being born "fair" has nothing to do with it.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die myself and get it all done with.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
finally could cry about it again and realize it as my loss. I did
not grieve for my mother I greived for my loss.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
by and large they were extremely insensitive to the family or to
my mothers quality of life. There are several swear words I can
think of to describe their arrogance.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I had lost my faith by this point. Dealing with organized religion
just seemed like dealing with people into professional denial. I
don't think that they especially helped.
--Religious Affiliation:
past religious affiliation is with the Orthodox Church in
America. (Russian Orhtodox Tradition)
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a coping mechanism. Use it if you need to I geuss.
--Regarding MONEY:
most costs were covered by insurance and pension money. In the
dying process we more or less pooled our money and spent it as
needed. In general in my experiences with death ther is unlikely
to be too much money on hand. Somebody always needs a coffee or
a kid needs to be distracted for a while, and then the living all
need to keep eating. Life goes on in spite of dying.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that most people were extemely helpful. The clergy were a pain but
that was probably mostly because of me.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the realization that the rest of the world is not affected by it. At
least by my personal experience.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I don't know. I've seen people pull back from the edge of death
too often to wager a geuss anymore.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was important to simply accept all and whatever my feelings
were. I could sort them out later. It seems that there was every
thing from terror to absurdity. I think that is okay and i'm glad
that I just let myself feel them all.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I believe that my mother is dead. Any experience like this was mine
and for my benefit not hers. This sort of thing annoys me.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Yes. It raised an intense awareness of my own mortality and mortality
in general. I think that most of the experience can be written off
to chemical changes in the brain and a lack of oxygen.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Sometimes I am still angrt at my mother for having gotten sick and
abondoned me as achild, and for being so wierd from stokes when I
had my own children. But I realize that it doesn't matter now. It
doesn't wiegh me down any more. No one really helps me with this
although sometimes talking to my sibs will help. (Often not however
since they have their own issues)
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd like to know how she made yorkshire pudding.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Yes it has. I don't know what the actual explanation for it
is. However I do think it was my need that created the experience. I
don't think that it had any objective reality.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The Dying person's wishes should be given top priority - unless
they are no longer able to express such wishes. (The Dead person
has no rights. They are dead.) You should be very clear to thsoe
in charge of your dying what your wished are. they should also
be aware that in the panic of the moment you might change your
mind. Whatever can be done to aid the person to die with as little
fear as possible should be done. Once the person is at the point
of unlikely return, and no longer able to express their desire for
treatment they should be considered as dead and the right s of the
family or others should be given priority.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have begun to study mortality a lot in the past years. I tend
to ramble about it now. I realize that I will die. I think that
that is a good thing, although I don't particularly want to hurry
it along. I think that death is the result of being born. You
don'y get one without the other. It will be okay when it happens.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
When I was ready I stood by the river and quietly said good-bye. It
really helped close it for me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am considerably more aware of the finitness of life. I think that
this has allowed me realize that a lot of things don't matter at
all. And some other things are the only ones that do matter.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Fortunately not for me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
I don't think any of the suggested reponse are right. I never
really understood. I geuss age and learning have gradually brought
an understanding of sorts.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
The avoidance of percieving Death as a natural part of life. The
percieved beleif in dominant circles (ie medicine) that death is
the worst thing that can happen.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
As usual I got to be the big strong guy. When it was my mother i did
not like that. When it was my friends father I really appreciated
the chance to be the supportive person and to help. in my mothers
death the most helpful thing would have been to be left alone.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This was a useful experience. Ithink in general that it probably
helpful to people and I will refer it on to others.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
They were ok. I don't like the spirituality stuff is all.
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Sun Feb 4 18:40:55 2001
F18 in Ruffsdale, Pa =U.S=
Name: Jessica Kelley
Email: <drkool=at=cvzoom.net>
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search on yahoo
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Prof/Studies: sandwich artist
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Of men and mice
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Steinbeck
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: a dirt bike accident; Aged: 19.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something that happens to everyone and for the most part, you don't
know when or how you are going to die.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wondered about afterlife
--That first time, how it happened was
my family raises dogs so i have known forever what death is.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the looks on the faces of the people who were closest to him.
--What I think my (U.S) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not the end of their life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that you have the ability to live after your life is over.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking about it with friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
their absence on a day to day basis
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
not treating them like you are there only because this is the end
but because you would be with them anyways.
--[My acquaintance's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
think of him living out a dream life in heaven
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
what happens when all the life is out of their body
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I DIDN'T TAKE IT SO LIGHTLY
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
really know him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
continue to be there for his sister and friends
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i gave his sister a card
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
is to visit the gave or to visit the place where that person died.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i get trary-eyed only when i think of the people has haven't
died yet.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
you would be living like any other 19 year old kid.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that some people have to die so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
earse the thought of death
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
began to feel sorry for his freinds and family more than i felt
bad for him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
i think they all they can
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
you have organized your thoughts on God enough to believe in
one kind.
--Religious Affiliation:
i have none. i beleive in God and that is enough for me.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Spirit were just like us at one time and they view people the way
we do as human being.
--Regarding MONEY:
how to pay for the funeral and what kind of finacial situation you
are currently in.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
can they actually still "be with" you after they die?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the fact that i don't believe God would put me through the same
thing again any time soon.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
is that this person is dying. i will never see this person in
better heath.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i wish that my last conversation with anyone close to me would be
normal(but fun) and close to the time they die.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i would want to be buried near a body of water.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i don't let people see me upset. instead, i cry alone but i do like
to talk about it with close friends and family.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i like to keep myself as busy as possible.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no, that has never happened to me but i think i would be weird to
think that you never would have talked to that person if a mutial
friend hadn't died
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i would reach out to children because that is where it all starts.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
the way i think about death can not be put into words or shared by
many people but this questionare helped me sort them out and try
to explain them.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
do you think of your close friends and family dying only so you
can image how you would feel if they were to die suddenly?
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Sun Feb 4 15:54:47 2001
F20 in Miami, FL =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Google.com, looking for info for a narrative essay: an experience
that changed my life
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: aorta gave up after open heart surgery; Aged: 63.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when someone is no longer living or leaves from existence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in shock for a couple of days
--That first time, how it happened was
It was the death of my father.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
sadness..anger..frustration, guilt.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
will no longer be in pain or be suffering.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
ask for forgivenss from the argument we had a couple of days before.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Ill be very happy with my parent.I wouldnt be working i would be
in school i would have good grades because he would be supporting
and helping me all the way
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried.
--Religious Affiliation:
roman catholic
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
this actually happened to my late aunt a month after my fathers
death..she had a dream where her late relatives were looking for
her. a few months later she also past away.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I apologize for the argument we had, right now i dont remember what
we argued about but I'm sorry.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my late aunt came to me in a dream to tell me that my father is well.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
writing
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Sun Feb 4 10:52:14 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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web search on the psychology of death
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tuesdays with Maurie
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Mitch Halbalm
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 14yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car acident; Aged: 17.
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--Death Is:
separation from our existence; isolation from what is familiar
and comfortable
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and experienced anxiety and loneliness
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my close friend in high school died in a car
crash the day before our senior year.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it brought many people closer together
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Sat Feb 3 14:20:17 2001
F22 in Coeur d Alene, Idaho ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Accountant clerk
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Beyond Grace
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Car accident; Aged: 20.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A gut wrenching, reality biting lesson that not everyone has
to learn.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Completely lossed everything.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My College sweetheart died in a car accident
at the age of 20.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Being SO alone!
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It just wants you to want death more.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I'm too strong for my own good
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
A shrink.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I will be without him forever, he will never raise me up, he will
never believe in me again. We can't finish out our dreams, I will
never have the two little boys and the goldern retreiver he promised
me, the rings will tarnish and lay in my jewelry box forever,and
there is nothing I can do but to endure this pain forever.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
There is NOTHING you can do or say to someone to make them feel
better. It's just comes out all bullshit and insincere, even though
they mean well.
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Can't cope with this, I show a good show, I put on a happy face
but I'm no where near fine. We were sould mates, and by death it
might have to join us together again.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I know after two years, it's not going to get any eaiser.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I would only laugh because it's not true, no one could ever hurt
me this bad. It's just a big joke on me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
If I was weak enough I would have joined him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know him, and know that a love like that existed just for me,
just for that brief moment in time. That I have to settle for
whatever I'm handed, I can't take things for granted.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
He left his ring on my bathroom sink, for me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
That fucking bike trip, I'm tired of hearing about that fucking
bike trip.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I know that I'm doomed to feel this pain and emptiness forever.
No one will ever relate to me or will ever be able to connect with
me ever again.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be happy, we would have our two sons that dog and hard wood
floors, he would knock on my window at night, and suprise me just
to see the look on my face.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It's not fair, I had a soul mate, I had my love, why wasn't it meant
for me, what did I do SO wrong that I'm so bad that I have to endure
this forever, be reminded by every season and every memory.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Put myself out of all of this misery
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
KNow that no one has a chance of loving me or me ever being loved
again. I'm ruined. No one wants a broken person.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
DOA
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing, it was something when it happened, but I should be over
it two years later.
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran, avid.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Real, he's here, he sent me an e-mail before he died saying that
he'd never leave me, just the day before, it was meant for me,
he has to be here, it's the only way I sleep.
--Regarding MONEY:
nothing
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The dark casket being walked in front of me, cold and dead.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
When he took my hand in my dream and showed me his funeral.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Watch me starve myself to death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it's never over, it just gets worse.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
He sent a transvestite to a store to make me laugh, it was him,
he was the only one that could make me laugh picking out his
funeral outfit.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I just want to die.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Was I going to get a real diamond that next week? Vanentines day
was for us, it was our time, you were mine, I was yours.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
The only thing that would help now is him. Telling me that he gave
me someone else to settle for until we could be together again.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
He comes to me in my dreams, he's here I know, he wants to be
with me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Just because he was your son he was my love. Listen to me, find
out what he liked about me. Don't talk about when he was a kid,
listen to when I knew him when he was a man.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I wouldn't want anyone to see me in a bloody mess, no car accident,
no gun shot to the head. Something to take me peacefully, so know
one knows that it was by my own hand. But yet something quick,
not a disease, just a breif last breath.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Drinking, being social so I don't sit at home and think about it.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I lay on the couch and pretend that he's here with me.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I've not taken a single person for granted and now I find myself
not taking them seriously.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Books & Films
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
I'm so young.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
A shrink that didn't do it for the money, that really wanted to help,
and check up on me, when I'm a mess two years later.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
That a computer is so impersonal, I don't have to worry about what
it thinks. It won't commit me or send me to a shrink. It's safe,
it won't betray me. Friends are just for me to listen to, this
hunk of crap will listen.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Would you ever take your own life to be there with them?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Feb 3 08:57:21 2001
F42 in London, =England=
Name: Kim
Email: <gertie=at=kchappell.freeserve.co.uk>
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Prof/Studies: Counsellor
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Prophet. On Death and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Kahlil Gibran Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 98.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the physical body wears out.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was not afraid.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
That I wasn't with her when she died (something I wanted to be)
and how I would miss not seeing her physically anymore.
--What I think my (England) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is part of life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it gave peace to a body that had lost it facualties.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the know;edge that there was no unfinished business. She knew I
loved her and I knew she loved me and that love would still exist
even if she physically didn't because I carry it with me in my heart.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
A sense of lonliness.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm having a hard time and I wish she were there to comfort me.
--Religious Affiliation:
Buddhist
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
People were afraid to express themselves and felt they had to keep a
"stiff upper lip".
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Leaving her house for the last time knowing I would never go back.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to say it was ok for her to leave, that I would be ok.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
A friend recently told me she could see an old lady with thin white
hair. She gave other memory clues which I recognised as my nan.
My friend told me her message was "Plan for the future". Something
which meant a great deal to me as last year I was diagnosed with
Non-Hodkinson's Lymphoma and have been concerned about my future
job prospects. My friend did not know about this.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It's really important to set the dying person free from worries
about how everyone will cope.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
This is something over the last 6 monts I have have thought about
a lot. At first I felt totally in shock at the thought of leaving
my two young sons. I went through anger and "why me?" I think
the hardest bit about dying is trying to leave when people can't
let you go.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I was near the sea when my grandmother died. I remember going
down to the shore early the next day and writing 'I love you' in
the sand and I watched as the sea took the message out. Also when
her coffin was being closed I asked if I could screw down the lid.
Despite the fact that I had I not been with her when she died, I
felt as if by doing this I was 'tucking her down' and was the last
person to oversee her departure. I found this tremendously helpful.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish people would just stay with what they feel. It is more
useful sometimes for both me and a loved one to say share the fact
that we both fear frightened and powerless. When people try to
jolly me along I feel I have to wear a mask for their sakes and
this incogruence makes me feel more isolated.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I thought it was very interesting and provoked a certain degree of
emtion in me.
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Sat Feb 3 08:23:26 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was about four and I hadn't seen my grandma
for some time. I overheard my parents discussing wreaths and
somehow just knew she had died.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Sat Feb 3 04:25:00 2001
F21 in Syd, NSW =Australia=
Name: Claire Francis
Email: <clairefrancis=at=one.net.au>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
We are researching attitudes towards D&D for project
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Prof/Studies: Medical clerk, personal care assistant, nursing student (deferred)
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More personal info:
I am really intesrested in this subject
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
"How we die" "Ethical issue in death and dying" "oxford anthology
of death"
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, W.H Audidn, Dorothy Parker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 7yrs ago.
Cause of Death: MVA (brain injury); Aged: 29.
--Details:
He was declared dead and life support was discontinued 1 week
after the accident after 1 wk in intensive care. Part of what
was difficult for me at the time was the lack of understanding
what would happen and how people could know someone was brain dead.
Most of the grown up people there lied or were mistaken and all told
me different things. i don't think anyone had a cogent understnding
of neurology. The answer to "how do you know" incidently is that my
brothers brainstem was disordered mush. There is no way to esplain
this to a family without being brutal and no way to understand this
without an explanation.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
difficult to define as amnyone who has tried knows. To borrow
my partners analagy, when you are born you have an open date
return ticket. When you are diagnosed with a terminal illness,
the return flight is confirmed... Death is the ceasation of life,
and I derfy anyone to define life except in cellular terms
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
behaved very badly. I yelled a lot, and screamed, and cried.
And then was informed that I should get over it. Which i did,
until that psychic conflict crept up on me and turned into psychotic
depression, which is not cery nice.
--That first time, how it happened was
My brother died, about which I have written a short story, which,
tempting as it is, i will not re write here. but extract "My brother
was 29, i month and one day when he died and I was 14 and homeless.
My mother had taken one of the regular psychotic turns - we didn't
know then that this was it for her, that the greif of it all would
leave her weird all the time after.." So there were contributing
factors to the awfullness of the whole situation. He died following
an MVA with brain stem damage. Death was anounced 1 week post
terminal event & the already weird family became much more so.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The most recent death I had was a patient where I work, and after
the shock wore off, I went and sat with her a while and chatted and
felt fine and funky about the whole thing. Others were very upset,
and one of the staff won't go back in to the room
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
"For anything that men can tell, death may be the greatest good
that can happen to them: but they fear it as if they knew quite
well that it was the greatest of evils" Socrates.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I have thought a lot about death and have developed a very healthy
attitude towards it. I am able to help others to deal with death.
OIne of the nurses let me spend some time tending to my brother,
cleaning nails etc, which helped. Seeing the body helped although
it upset other people.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Cigarettes helped, alchohol helped, youth workers sometimes helped,
friends sometimes helped, movies did not help and for 2 years I
avoided anything on tv I'd never seen before in case someone died.
Prozac helped, but by then I had the kind of symptoms oprazac is
there to deal with. The counsellor I was sent to did not help and
was a major hassle
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
family bickering. i think these situations can be terminal
for people and relationships that are already under pressure.
People trying to protect me was also really unhelpfull.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
other dying people I've known, sometimes it is imprortant to just
say, don't be afraid. Other times there are so many people trying
to do this, that no one remembers to ask if the dying person wouold
like a glass of water, or tablets or whatever it is.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I have learnt that time heals all wounds, even if you don't want
it to. "sometimes it is necessry to lose everything you have to
gfain everything worth having"
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
No one would tell me what was going on when my brother was comatose.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say good bye (that univa\ersal wish that is rarely granted). " I
knew he wouldn't wake up, really, but I desperatly needed him to.
I needed to hear him say i was ok (which is aussie bloke dialect
for you're a good person and I love you). He could die after that,
if he wanted"
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be involved with personal care tasks like trimmming nails etc.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The medical stuff (clearing lungs, feeding etc) was interesting
and comforting for me to be involved with, although most people
feel this is morbid or upsetting. i found the machines and tunews
(drips, drains and dramas) very comforting
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Experience makes us who we are, like it or not. I wouldn't
change things. i do not believe that it is possible or helpfull to
spend too much time with could bhave beens. Also, I have a lousy
imagination, and tend to get coaght in circles.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Life is not fair. I only spend my time worrying about what is
unfair that I can change. If I can't, I leave it be
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Force other people to come to terms with death. It is distressing
that people have so much difficulty with death and I would like to
try to change this, but it is tiring and thankless and hea\ard to
do this gently.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Cried and yelled a lot
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
thanks
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I havee dealt with the hospice on a professional basis. They are
some of the most wonderful people I have ever met. (i desperatly
want to be a palliative care registrar)
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I am an atheist.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am an atheist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I am also a skeptic. Although I beliefve the human muind hold many
mysteries which may unravel during the dying process
--Regarding MONEY:
I never had any and that made my newly found chain smoking difficult.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Other people
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Increased sleep. Slowed resps. slowed heart, discolouration of
the extremities
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
unfortunatly, ignoring fgrief will not make it go away
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I believe that NDE are likely caused by the process of starving the
brain of oxygen. I believe that ghosts and "precence" are internaly
manifested as a coping measure (I belive they aerre not "real")
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I believe that NDE are likely caused by starving the brain of oxegen.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I don't have unresolved issues
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
No
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My brother, also an atheist, was baptised, which I was furios about.
The dying should have theire needs and wants met before others I
have an advance directive. My body is going to science whether
others agree with this or not, I feel strongly thast the dying
person should make their wishes know before death and they should
be adhered to
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Considerable thought. preferd location hospice, prefer terminal
illness with say 2 years notice of impending death DNR order
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
As mantioned, cleaning body and helping with nursing jobs, seeing
the body
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
(" I was a stoic and a cynic at 14. I had psychotic depression
at 16, but who was to know
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
also helping others (i was in no shape to but was expected to.
difficulty expressing feelings. No one to talk to and didn't want
to talk to them anyway. I became very sullen and depressed.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I'm not sure
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I have thought about most of these things before
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Feb 2 12:23:27 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 85.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was..it was the death of my grandfather.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
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Thu Feb 1 23:24:31 2001
F37 in Ventnor City, NJ =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: waitress
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Life on the other side
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sylvia Browne
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 3 years ago.
Cause of Death: drug overdose; Aged: 40.
--Details:
He was a junkie and was hiding it from the family. When they found
out, they talked him into going into a rehab. He left early, sold
his truck for drugs, and OD'd in his work truck at his job. He was
found naked on a Monday morning.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an end to life here, and a passageway to a better place.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand, but I was told she went to live with the
angels. That sounded peaceful.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My Aunt Mom's sister committed suicide. I
was told she went to live with the angels.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mothers sorrow.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not a punishment or a time to be sad.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a friend was killed as a boy, he drown in a creek. I was 13 years
old and I think it made me realize how precious life really is.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking about it, music, and the ocean.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the pain of knowing he was in so much pain, and not being able to
help him. Helplessness.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't be afraid, and let the person know it's okay for them to go
when they're ready.
--[My CoWorker's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realize now that in times of trouble, people will band together
and help each other out in all ways.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was trying to figure out why?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was a way to release the emotions
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say goodbye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Help support my family
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a song on the radio, or see someone who looks like him,
or smell his cologne.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would be the same, but with another person to set a place for.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was soo young
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
ask him why?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
realized I had to accept it, and look forward to seeing him again
when it's my turn.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
there was nothing he could do
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Catholic mChurch
--Religious Affiliation:
relasped Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right.
--Regarding MONEY:
one family member controlled the whole situation.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
My other uncle was there , posted at the door, sending many many
people away. Telling them to Get the hell out.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Not seeing the body,
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
labored breathing
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it can be tough, each death is different, and you have to do what
you feel is the right thing for you
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have no idea, but the thought of it is one thing that keeps me
going. I think that would be lovely.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Just that I couldn't help at the time...I've apologised.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
no
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My mother found change all over the place, on top of the folded
towels in the closet, car seats, everything. My TV remote works by
itself on occasion.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Stupid and important things...Grave or cremation, what will the
body wear, who will attend, what church service, etc
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Yes, i've thought about it. When it's time to go, I will keep
trying to live with no regrets, so the passing will be easy. And
I'm not afraid
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I went to the cemetery and talked to the grave
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes, my current boyfriend..Got together 2 months after my uncles
death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Called alot, talked it over, still bring up good and bad memories
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think it brought up issues that americans are not used to talking
about or discussing.
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Thu Feb 1 16:16:23 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
searchong studies about translation of mortal remains from a cemetery
that will be submerged
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, yrs50 ago.
Cause of Death: bite of surucucu; Aged: 5.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a tabu
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
etonnished
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...malaria
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I am tired
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
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See Jan 01 contributions.
See Dec 00 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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