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See Current contributions.
See Dec 00 contributions.
See Nov 00 contributions.
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Wed Jan 31 13:08:31 2001
F45 in Marble, NC =USA=
Name: Rebecca Newton
Email: <reebee=at=grove.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
On the yahoo web site for surveys
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Prof/Studies: homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 85.
--Details:
She had been in the nursing home for a year and a half. She had
several more strokes and she started bleeding in the stomach.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Something that comes to everyone
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Found it was not hard as i had expected.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandmother had a stroke and was in a
nursing home. She passed away in september.Me and my mom would go
and try to feed her lunch every other day.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
They are not in pain or suffering any more.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Being with my grandmother the night she passed away.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
To know that her suffering was over. My son really helped me also.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That she would not be here anymore.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
The hearing is the last thing to go. They can sense when they have
their family there with them in the last hours of life.
--[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Prayer and the support of other family members helps a lot.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When they decided to stop all the medication and let my grandmother
die with dignity. I thought anyone dying would get hungry and
thrist but the doctors told me the body has a way that they don"t
get hungry.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I would not have changed anything.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there and give support.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see pictures or another person passes away that i know.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
But i don"t like to see anyone suffer and be in pain.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Lose my memory about some things.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I was there when it happened. It hit me later on that day that she
is not there any more.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Peace. They did everything that could be done.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Peace knowing jesus was by my side and was there to help me.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding MONEY:
Money was not an issue at all.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I thought it went really well. My grandmother is finally at
peace now.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
She looked like she had never been sick a day in her life when she
passed away. She had such a look of peace on her face.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Sleep apena Lung congestion Body parts starts shutting down.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Knowing there was no more pain.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I think she could see her mom and day and her sisters who had gone
on before her.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I don"t have any issues to resolve. We had a really close
relationship.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Do not worry about me for i am happy.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I think my grandmother has come to me. At times i can smell her
perfume. She has told me not to worry and feel sad about her passing.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope it is peaceful and not a burden on my loved ones.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Going in and saying some private thought and telling them goodby.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
Sometimes death is the best thing that can happen to people with
certain condtions.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
You hate to let the person go
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was a very good questionnaire. It helped to put some of my
thoughts down.
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Tue Jan 30 21:55:09 2001
M33 in London, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
just farting around on the web.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 10yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 56.
--Details:
This is rather flip- however it's one hell of a defense
mechanism. Besides, it appeals to the part of me that loves
morbid humour. My mother was killed by a drunk driver. As she was
a recovering alcoholic and had finally begun to deal with it- I can
only laugh at the irony of my mother being turned into road pizza by
a drunk driver in of all thing a decommisioned RCMP( police) cruiser.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
where the personality leaves the body. Leaving it a slab of meat.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
really didn't know what wwas going on. I had a naive view that
they would still be around to onserve what and how I would do
things. Very egocentric.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...on Halloween when I was five. The parish
priest where I was living died and I had dressed up as Snoopy &
my twin as the Red bAron. I told my mother that I saw the "angel"
of the priest and upset her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the inane behavior of those around the person in question. having
been estranged from his family - exaggerated histrionics made me
giggle. I thought that these people were too late and were doing
it becase of societal expetations, not out of a true sense of grief.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That is is not soething that is , in itself a frightening thing. that
it is a natural process and should be like any natural process,
dealt with in a matter of fact manner. Life does go on - as trite
as that sounds.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the cessation of ;pain. I have seen Death for many of my friends as
an end to the suffering they have gone thru- where no shred of who
and what made them was left. It always seemed to me to be a release.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
LOL-imagined conversations with my mother about the nature of life
and existance as well as reading various texts on the life and
deaths of other people.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The loss of who they would be to me. What I mean ids tha they do
exsist in the mental map of who and what I am - but are static-
there is no change in my "relationship" because there is no new
information/ experiences to draw from.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Dignity- remebering that as dehabilitated they are - somewhere-
somehow- the person you know and knew is still around.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Have so much of her- her life and her mannerisms, her personality,
stored in my memories and how they are echo'd thru each of us and
the people she knew.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I saw the person I loved and knew degenerate into a primal/ basic
thing- with no real communication, no real contact- where all
their focus was elsewhere. It was frustrating to see the " person
" evaporate.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
When my mother was creamated and during her service- she was
co-ordinated - as in colour co-ordinated for the first time in
her life...lol- it still makes me smile - my mother had excellent
taste except when it came to her own dressing- the urn was bronze-
which would have flattered her complexiion- the cloth covering it
was Ivory and gold- which still would have been flattering - my
mother was known for her lousy personal taste in dress. It wasn't
important to her.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
know my mother as a person and not as an icon in my menatl landscape-
to relate to her as a person and a friend- not just a son/ mother
relationship.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I had the opportunity to start to get to know who my mother was
and realize that as flawed as she was as " mother" she was a damned
fine person- thru who knew her and what they reflected back to me
about her person- that I didn't know.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I saw exactly who many people thought - or who felt they were a
part of my mother's life- I never had such an idea that she had so
many claims on her self.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
was the funeral service- both my mother and I didn't espouse the
drama that went with funeral/memorial services. Now I know they
are not for the dead but for the comfort of the living- although
I still don't think they have any validity - I keep it to myself.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember the small and quiet times where my mother and I would
just talk or do things - just the two of us.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I am quite sure my mother and I would be just as bitchy to each
other - but I think with a more accepting edge to it- it would be
a comfortable kind of cantankerous.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that people I view as too young - or children die.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
know what's after life- as shakespeare put it the undiscoverd
country.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
lost what ever fear I had. Dying still makes me sad and I aften
question the purpose of why it has or had to happen but I can live,
with no guilt, with the fact that they are no longer within a realm
or sphere( if an afterlife exists) that I can percieve
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Doctors are dorks.Human- but dorks.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
Past- anglican/ current- some where between agnostic and athiest.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
D/k
--Regarding MONEY:
It stresses an already fractured dynamic to beyond repair.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The reactions of my family - whether they were blood family or
friend family.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
imagining what happens to the people I know after my death and how
it would hurt them.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
d/k
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Anger- although a natural part of the process is a waste of energy-
what does being angry do to help? Nothing.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Only the priest when I was a child.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
D/k
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
LOL- I have mental conversations with them- based on who and what
they were at time of death.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
D/k
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
d/k
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
A living will.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope I can meet it with the dignity and courage to help and see
my friends and family thru the realization that I am not going to
be there anymore.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
D/k
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
D/k
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
nope
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I look at Death as being a very natural eveolution of what life is
about. Everything ends- or changes and at the end of life you only
have one direction to go, Death.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
As a gay man I have had to deal with an inordinate amout of deaths in
my immediate circle due to AIDs, with a few exceptions. It would get
me angry that all these people, who were so alive would eventually
die, or die without their potential as people or
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
It is such a subjective experience that anything I could say
wouldn't apply.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me wistful - to reflect on all the people who are no longer
an active/living part of my life.
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Tue Jan 30 15:07:36 2001
F31 in new orleans, la =usa=
Name: gwyn evert
Email: <gwynevert=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: archaeologist/historian
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 76.
--Details:
My grandmother called each of us to her deathbed three days before
she died to give us each advice. she told me that with regards to
men "get them young, treat them bad, and tell them nothing."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the shedding of a worn out body in order to move on to the next
step in our evolution
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was more curious than afraid. I was surprised at the huge difference
between a live body and a dead one.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my next door neighbor shot himself on the
front lawn while my friends and I were playing tag in my yard. I
saw the whole thing. I was almost five years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how orderly my grandmother went about taking care of all the business
associated with death. she even wrote her own obituary.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
pretending it doesn't exixt doesn't accomplish anything constructive
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the calm acceptance with which my grandmother met her death. it
held no fear for her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my conviction that with death as with everything else in the
universe, nothing is lost, only changed
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that I was losing them from my life and would no longer
have their friendship or experience to draw on
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
learn more from my grandmother when I had her with me
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say goodbye
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that i've been left alone
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust at the rampant callousness and incompetence we faced
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
pagan, euro-celtic tradition
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
absolutely correct
--Regarding MONEY:
everything was hideously expensive...even overpriced. people tried
to take advantage of our grief
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
my friend was clinically dead for ten minutes, and says he waas in
a field surrounded by raccoons. I think the nde's are simply caused
by random firing of the synapses due to lack of outside stimuli
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have made clear my wishes as to ending life support, where i want
to be buried, etc
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope i have advanced warning so i can leave things tidy and say
my goodbyes. Death doesn't frighten me, but the thought of prolonged
pain does.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
The statement regarding organized religion...there are other
varieties of religion and faith which are essentially unorganized
yet provide succor and insights in these circumstances
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Tue Jan 30 14:53:47 2001
M19 in Huntley, Illinois =US=
Name: Addie Shreeram
Email: <Addie326=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Our psychology teacher gave us this address for a research paper
we are doing
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Prof/Studies: major in psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 20.
--Details:
He shot himself with a shotgun in his mouth.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something we wll all have to go through and we will all face someday.
It can be losing someone close to you like a mother or like losing
someone you once knew, like a student you heard of in school.
we all have to deal with it, its what happens here on Earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
saw my grandfather dying in the hospital, of cancer. I was about
ten or eleven years old. He died shortly after that.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a old boyfriend committed suicide. I became
involved although I was no longer involved I was still impacted
because old feelings never die.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being at his funeral and not grieving. I watched people all around
me cry and mourn and yet I could shed no tear, and I couldn't grieve.
It was horrible, I felt as if the people seeing me thought I just
did not care.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I think that we need to take more time out to learn to grieve and
feel the emotions that we all go through when we lose someone near
to us.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Even knowing the person I lost, although it was for a short time,
I'm glad I had the chance to know him.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I had this dream and I saw him, we spent some time together. I felt
as though he was actually there with me telling me to let him go.
I felt a lot of peace after that.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The thought of never hearing his voice of feeling him near me,
I still fell is the hardest parts to endure.
--[My Ex-'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have learned to find some peace of mind, by him telling me he
is okay.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I got the phone call telling me what had happened.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there for him. The day after I left from my mothers he came
there to find me. If only he would have known that there was more
to life than Melissa things would have been different.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have him visit me. I know it sounds goofy but I know he was there
with me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I dreamt of him
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that its all going to be okay.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember the time we spent together sitting on a bench in front
of the river and him singing to me. That won't ever happen again
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be with him right now. He wouldn't be so miserable and he
would have known that there is a bigger world out there.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why did it have to be him, it should have been someone else.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep it all away.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I don't think it really hit me, I still don't feel as though I've
mourned for him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the learning process.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I was not involved in any sort of organized religion
--Religious Affiliation:
none at this time
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
no opinion
--Regarding MONEY:
I didn't have any role of money with him although I know his family
wasn't that financially secure.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the fact that everyone was in complete shock. HIs sister seemed as
thugh she almost didn't even care. He never knew how many people
were actually there for him.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
saying goodbye to him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
reading thoughts, knowing just what was going on in his mind.
And what could have saved him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I would like to know the right way of grieving, how to mourn and
grieve , and not hold it all in.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I know that he is okay, although he said to me that to many people
are holding him behind, and not letting him go.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell him I think of him often and our memories together
will not fade and I would kiss him one last time.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had a dream I was at his funeral, he was walking with me and we
were talking. Everyone there was asking me whom I was talking to,
I said Don't you see Joey isn't gone he is still here. We walked
together and he told me I need to let him go. He said to me that
to many people weren't saying goodbye to him, and that he couldn't
get where he belonged because of that. He told me that when spring
time comes to go to his gravesite and place a white rose on his
tombstone, to say goodbye and never look back.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I only hope that my son is in a safe and loving place after I die
and not with his father, because than he will probally follow in
his footsteps.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't think I would like to know about me own death, I can only
hope that before I die I see my son grow up and find someone to
love him.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
my dream was real significant in my grieving process, along with
writing in my journal.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I'm scared to lose that person, so it makes me hesitant to develope
a relationship with him or her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
I feel as though I still haven't dealt with it, like I am almost
immune to having any feelings
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish someone would have been there for me a little better during
my grieving process. I felt alone.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think this is a great questionanaire to fill out, it make me
rekindle my feelings towards this.
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Tue Jan 30 11:24:14 2001
Anonymous Guest
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Parents, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: alcohol; Aged: 36.
--Details:
I told them that the alcohol bottle was mine.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Alcohol
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Music
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Sun Jan 28 16:23:48 2001
F23 in Christchurch, =New Zealand=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Through yahoo - Entertainment- online pyschology tests
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 10 months ago.
Cause of Death: Helicopter crash; Aged: 39.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... It was my great grandmothers funeral, I
didn't know her very well, I think I had only met her once when I
was very small. Having grown up on a farm I had seen death
of animals from a young age but don't have much memory of being
affected much by it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the way that I found out about it. My alarm clock went off at 6.30am
and the news was on. The mentioned a helicopter crash which made me
think of my friend. They gave some info on the crash and then named
the dead. Dave's name was the last one they said. I don't think
that I have cried so much in all my life. A good mutual friend
had been trying to contact me the night before to tell me but I
had changed phone numbers and he hadn't managed to track me down.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
With Dave's death I realized that life is too short to waste and
that we should live life to the fullest like he had done. At least
he had enjoyed his life and his life has touched alot of people.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My belief in the spirit world, and a couple of people close to me
who understand this and share my belief.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The realisation that we would not get to do the things we had been
talking about doing together. And realising that someone I respected
and loved so much as a friend wasn't there anymore, that I could
just phone him and drop by for a visit.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him how much his friendship really meant and how great it was
to have such a person in my life.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the huge number of people there. Dave's family seemed very touched
bey the numbers and made the comment that it made it just that
tiny bit easier to know that their son had touched the lives of so
many people
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My best friend took her own life when I ws 17. She often came to
me in the following times ( even years later). these visits have
always been of comfort. I do not mourn her passing as I understand
that she has found what she was looking for.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't really fear dying because although I am not religous I do
believe in a spirit world so I take comfort in the belief that
when I die I will meet up with some very special people from my
life who have already crossed over.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I found that sometimes writing helps. No one ever needs to see what
you write if you don't want too. Sometimes it just helps to be on
my own for a little while.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body
She looked so restful. Have also found this helpful in another
situation involving a very close friend. Helps me to accept that
they have passed on from this world.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Sat Jan 27 16:16:13 2001
F22 in brisbane, qld =australia=
Name: renae wohllebe
Email: <renaewohllebe=at=yahoo.com.au>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: home duties
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More personal info:
i really want to find out what has happened to me in this life as
i cant remember a thing before i was 10 yrs old if anyone has any
idea where i can go please let me know renaewohllebe=at=yahoo.com.au
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 11 ago.
Cause of Death: i dont know; Aged: 14.
--Details:
i found him sick and rocking back and forward his tongue was gray
and he was salivating. We took him up stairs where he laid down
sat up he couldnt get comfortable i sat with him the whole time as
i grew up with him his name was buddy then just before he died he
sat up and shook my hand as if to say good bye. i had to leave the
room when i came back he had passed away i sat there for a while
then i went to bed i didnt go to bury him as i didnt want to . He
really was like a human i could talk to him he always dont what he
was told he was very clever i honestly think he was human
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--Death Is:
i havent experienced much death but im facinated although scared. I
would say its just like going to sleep but you go to a different
place where you dont need this body anymore thats why we bury it .
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
It was my grandfathers death i was very young i didnt understand
it but he was very like himself right until the end he had a blod
clot in his chest.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
It was very upsetting although i dint know my nan well i still missed
her its just hard to understand that they arent coming back.All i
could think is shes gone but why ? she was so heathy no one will
tell me why she died.
--What I think my (australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
What really occurs when you pass away.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Just how much no one was there for me they were all there for my
cousin i was left to myself.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just being there for comfort and company i think to die alone would
be the tragedy.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I was actually happy when my mothers mother passed on as she was
ill for years she had had a stroke and alzeihmers disease for 6 yrs
we had to feed her change her bath her she was only a shell sitting
there i often wondered what she was thinking if she wanted to get
out im glad she passed on because shewas a great lady her last 6
yrs were not what i would have planned for her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Still has not
How'd I do? How well
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Fri Jan 26 15:14:21 2001
F41 in Boise, Idaho =USA=
Name: Karen Dietz
Email: <rhd =at=deseretonline.com>
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
College Professor
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Prof/Studies: Student at Boise State
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Grieving: The pain and the promise.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 1 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 20 yrs.
--Details:
She was a passenger in a car with her cousins. The driver was her
closest cousin and he was over the legal alcohol limit. He was
convicted of vehicular homocide and is currently serving time.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychologically terribly
painful seperation of someone who is interconnected to us at every
level of our exsistence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
The first real impact of death of someone close to me, was a friend
who had lived with our family and I considered a brother as well as
a close friend. He committed suicide and I was devastated, the shock
overwhelmed me and the pain and sadness was completly encompassing.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died. I didn't know him well.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The unreality associated with the shock. I just couldn't take in
the fact that this was reality and I would have to live with this
nightmare the rest of my life. My family was feeling the same
things, but as her mother I felt them so deeply I couldn't handle
reality, so my denial mechanism kicked in to help me avoid the
intensity of the situation for a while so I could slowly process
what had happened so suddenly.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
No one comes back, it is irreversible and permanent. They also
need more education on how to help people who are grieving and that
the process of grieving does not end at 1 year after the death of
a close loved one, that it goes on to some degree the rest of that
persons life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I will be eternally grateful to the adoptive parents of my daughter's
daughters out of wedlock, who came to the viewing and funeral and
brought our granddaughter along who was 2 years old. They then
established a relationship with us and have allowed us to see our
granddaughter and be part of her life. This has helped us in the
grieving process immensly. This is a rare thing and they are very
special people whom we have grown to love.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The power of prayer in my life. I turned to God and from Him I
have been given the strength and the peace to go on.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing it would be a long time before I could hold her and kiss
her again. Also knowing that my hopes and dreams for her were gone
and there would be no more memories together in this world.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I wasn't there, she was killed instantly. That was hard also. But
was also a blessing, she didn't suffer.
--[My Daughter's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
That a kind and loving Heavenly Father is there to help you through
the tough times if you will just ask. He knows your needs and
desires to help you.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Any emotion of such strong intensity can evoke other emotions at
the other end of the spectrum. As we shared memories of her as a
family, we all laughed at some that were especially funny and were
so her. I realized that even in your greatest pain you can also
feel past happy moments and laugh about them.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be with her when she was first killed. We were far away and did
not get to see her body till she was in her casket at the viewing
back home four days later.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be inspired to write her obituary in under an hour so it would be
in the newspaper before the deadline. Also that my husband and I
both felt the same confirmation of where she wanted to be buried
in the cemetary.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
We returned home from the vacation we were on when we were notified
of her death, and people at home already knew what had happened, and
there were flowers, plants, and cards on our front porch, red wooden
hearts hanging from our tree in front and a picture of the Savior
hung on our garage door reminding us that "We are not alone". The
outpouring of love and the simple acts of friends was what touched
us so deeply, they will never know how much that helped us.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm not over it and realize that I am still in a heavy grieving
state. Grieving takes a long time. I get teary -eyed everytime I
think about or talk about it. I do feel like I am dealing with it
to the best of my ability and with a lot of help from God. I do
know that I will make it, and I will go on to fulfill my life and
feel joy again someday. I have hope.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If it hadn't happened, my daughter would be married now and possibly
a mother to her own child. I would be very involved with her and
with her child. As it is I went back to school full time to keep
busy and get an education. I would have done that anyway, but
maybe not as soon if she were still alive.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That I have to lose my only daughter. I have two sons, but to lose
your only daughter is devastating.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back time to before the accident happened, and enjoy the
feeling of joy at having my entire family together again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
It took a good six months for the shock to start wearing off.
I felt I was coming out of a deep freeze and thawing out, but as
I thawed out and the reality started to really sink in little by
little, I went to pieces, I have been dealing with the reality of
her death everyday and each day it becomes more real to me. I still
want to escape back into unreality some days and believe that I am
going to wake up from this nightmare and everything will be alright.
It gives me a break from heavy grieving when I escape back into an
unreality state of denial.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Appreciation for the emergency doctor, who because he could not do
anything for her when she was brought in, choose not to charge us
anything, even though he worked on her for 5 minutes or so.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Everything, I don't know how we could have made it through this
without the support and love of the members of the church.
--Religious Affiliation:
Only affiliation our entire lives is The church of Jesus Christ of
Latter Day Saints, (Mormans)
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I believe that spiritual link is very real, that we are all brothers
and sisters of a loving Heavenly Father, and each of us is precious
in His site, all other things do not matter.
--Regarding MONEY:
Money doesn't matter, all that matters is being together as a family
and being whole and healthy. Money was the last thing on our mind,
and we didn't worry about it, we trusted that everything would
work out one way or another. A trial of money is of no comparison
when you are experiencing the magnitude of a death of a daughter/or
loved one. Money is very unimportant at a time like this.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How much it meant to us that each person attended and showed love and
respect to our daughter and us. To know that they cared means so
much to you at the time, and our love and respect for each of them
has grown because of them taking the time to be there for our family.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Seeing my daughter's dead body in the casket. It didn't look like
her. You never believe in your wildest dreams that you will ever
have to do that. And when they close the casket for the last time,
the reality of both of these things are horrible.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Doesn't apply to my experience.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I had a near death experience when I was 23 yrs. old but it didn't
progress into the light. I came back before then. It was quite
an experience. I do not want to go into detail.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel blessed to say that there were no unresolved issues with my
daughter at the time of her death. There are many things I wish I
had done differently and better concerning her when she was still
here with us. I will have to find resolution on these issues myself.
With God's help I'm sure I will someday.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
It would help bring more closure to the grieving process, and help
you begin to let go of that person, that is the hardest thing of
all to do, to let go.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
We have had many spiritual experiences since our daughters passing,
however, they are sacred to us and we do not share them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have become very aware of my own mortality, I have experienced
fear concerning it. I am not afraid to die, per say, but do not want
to die before I finish my purpose and mission here on the earth.
When I feel I have done that then I will look forward to death as
a happy transition into the next life, and I will see my daughter
again. If I knew I was going to die very soon, I would try and
get the things done that mean the most to me. I would feel mixed
feelings, fear, and also anticipation of seeing my daughter again.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Many things help me to cope, I have not found closure on this matter
however. I had to find out all the details of what happened and talk
to people and also to write all the things that happened down and
all the things that lead to it and all the experiences associated
with it. Even all the things that happened 6 months prior to her
death, that I now see as things that the Lord was doing to help
prepare us for her passing. She also was talking about death, Hers,
a lot, and I recorded all these things. We believe her spirit knew
that her time was short.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
You are changed greatly, many things change. I will share a
couple of them. My sensitivity to others and their needs has grown
tremendously. I desire to be kinder, more loving, and look for more
oppotunities to serve and help others by lifting their burdens.
I have grown stronger in my belief of religion and I pray and
read the scriptures more often them before. I desire things of a
spiritual nature over the things of the world. World goods just
don't matter to me anymore, where they were somewhat important to
me before. Only people matter now.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
The relationship with the adoptive parents of our granddaughter
would be first. Also a friend who has been a friend for many years,
but has really been there for me and the friendship has grown and
bonded much closer. Also a friend who lost her whole family in
a plane wreck the year before our daughter was killed has become
a close friend to me as we help each other. Other friends that I
was very close to before our loss have seemed to grow more distant
and unable to deal with out loss. Friendships change when you lose
a loved one is what I have learned. And somtimes the people you
expect will be your greatest support are not, and others you don't
suspect become your closest and greatest support in times of needs.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
I was young and didn't understand death. Religion told me I would
see him again someday, so I held on to that belief.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Reaching out to help someone else definatly helps you as well
as the recipient. Many people helped me, but most figured I was
fine by 6 to 12 months, which is when reality was hitting me hard.
When I helped someone else, it helped me not think about myself,
so I couldn't pity myself. I reached out to my friend who lost
her family and also to two other girlfriends who lost a child each
exacally one year later from when I lost my daughter. I knew what
to do for them to help them because I had just gone through it
the past year. I did many things. The best help is to not ignore
talking about your loved one. Many people are uncomfortable and you
feel like you are in a room with a big elephant sitting between you
and them. Acknowledge their loved one and allow them to talk about
them and cry about them if they want, and better yet, cry with them.
Many people are incapable or uncomfortable with grieving and fear
seeing you cry or grieve in their presence. It is hard to be around
these people and keep a straight face all the time. You feel you
are faking that everything is okay, putting on an act for them,
when your heart tells you it is not okay. You want to be real,
but some people can't handle it and you find out real quick who
can and who can not handle your grieving.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It forced me to take the time to write them down, which is always
a good thing. It helps the soul to heal to put down thoughts and
feelings on paper. Also to be able to review those feelings later
and see how much progress you have made in the grieving process.
It made me cry, but crying is allowing your pain and grief to come
out and that is healing.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Maybe address the changes in relationships with friends and even
family that occurs when a loved one dies. I know this must happen
to everyone who experiences this. Relationships change, there is
no way of avoiding it.
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Thu Jan 25 23:18:57 2001
F19 in Kansas City, MO =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: art, education
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Coming into the Light (?), CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Danion Brinkley, NEAL DONALD WALSHE
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 1 yr. ago.
Cause of Death: natural? don't really know; Aged: 84.
--Details:
She had just gotten over cancer and had some miraculous healing,
she was doing wonderfully. The night she died was the first night
that she was allowed to sleep on her stomach for years because of
the cancers location... we don't know what caused her to die.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a period when your physical body stops working: your heart stops
pumping blood, you stop breathing etc. Then your spirit, which has
lived with you in this physical body until its death, then is born
into another world, a heaven, which we know very little about but
is all about the presence of Godde and peace and knowledge and love.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was probably very scared... i hated death because it was so
difficult to comprehend and my emotions are so high all the time,
it was difficult for me to let go of a person.
--That first time, how it happened was
I don't remember my very first... but I remember being very upset
when any one died, especially children. I would cry for hours.
No one close to me died until my grandpa died when I was in fourth
grade. When he died, I didn't cry as much, I decided (for some reason
unknown to me now) on my own that I didn't want to go to the funeral
and I was very shocked, almost would not believe when I found out
that he had committed suicide. Afterall, at that age I couldn't
believe that something like that happened in my happy family.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling incredibly vulnerable, fragile... very mortal. She was
cremated so the whole thought of a physical body being able to be
completely incinerated in a matter of minutes utterly fascinated and
dominated me. The thought that someone who produced a strong family
full of memories, thoughts, emotions, love... could be completely
wasted away of physical humanity so easily....
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it really is a birth... but that it is also very permanent for
our physicality. We take for granted that we live and breathe and
have the technology to fix ourselves so easily.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I'm not afraid anymore of what death could lead to... I am able to
understand the coming and going of people through our lives and that
while our time with them is unpredictable in lenght, it is precious.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family, and my dependence on my faith in Godde.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being able to experience with them what i had planned on
experiencing with them. My whole family thought she was healthy
enough to live until I was married and had children... suddenly
she was gone, and instead of her being there physically, I will
have to learn to feel her through the people that are there and
feel her spirit.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Have a person like her in my life and I was thankful that I was old
enough to truly appreciate her and all that she did for my family.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I realized how mortal we truly are, how vulnerable we are to
death.... it's comletely unfathomable.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I might want to know my great-grand mother even more personally
than i did... I would want to hear about all her stories and
memories of her life and make a book of them, for her, about all
the extraordinary that she is.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just talk to her, bring her to see my family just one last time,
especially my grandmother.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
took a big philosophical look at it and tried to bring from it what
I think my great-grandmother would want me to take from it.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Well, my family belongs to the Roman Catholic Church, and our parish
was very supportive because we have been there so long. But for
me, life is too short to worry about the details of religions.
I found something deeply spiritual in her death, I took away life
and lesson and connection to Godde from it and because I found that
I feel I had my own closure.
--Religious Affiliation:
Past is Roman Catholic, now I don't consider myself a part of any
specific religion, just very spiritual.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very real... I feel like life on earth is only temporary and
illusioned. I feel everyone is connected as spirits, set out for
a goal and these lives we lead help us achieve it.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that I can't look at a person dead... I sounds wierd, but I would
rather remember them from the last time I saw them than see them
fake and dead. And I don't feel that I am absent of closure because
of it either.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
To grieve and cry with loved ones, to be with family and talk about
the "good times" about the dead one's life, and then to find a
personal closure and to take something good and new out of it.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My great-grandmother made it very easy for us by leaving everything
written down what she wanted to have done. I think I will do the
same... should do it now, you never know. I think anyone that is
living after the death of a loved one should try as hard as they
can to complete these wishes. For instance, I want to donate my
organ's to science and have my body creamated and the ashes buried
with an Acacia tree.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
That is one thing that I am still afraid of... my own death. I feel
so safe being able to comprehend what I have here... at least some
of it. It is extremely difficult to not fear what I do not know.
However, since my great-grandmother's death, I have realized the
preciousness of life and mortality and have come to make every
situation in my life as good as I can make it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I just think about her and what she would want me to do in different
situations. I remind myself how proud she would be of me, and
what not.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
I've had a wonderful, almost supernatural experience in coming to
terms with death, also prayers, my mom and books about afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Thu Jan 25 13:49:30 2001
F44 in Hartwood, Va =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 74.
--Details:
had to deal with withdrawal of nutrition in order not to prolong
death. he was well medicated and i know he wanted this so I am ok
with the end process that we chose
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--Death Is:
end of being alive - being able to interact with life as we know
it on a daily basis
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was afraid
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was my great aunt mary. it wasn't her death
so much as the funeral and the "scariness" of it all. I couldn't
even go in to see her and "say goodbye".
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mom wanting the details of his last days to be "a secret" due
to withdrawing nutrition.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
natural..and if you want your wishes honored you need to talk
about them. death should be discussed just like birth so all ages
understand what it means and it isn't so scarey
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it ended my dads suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing that dad was safe again and remembering all the good things
about him and our relationship. he also looked so great in the
casket that it blocks out some of the bad sights of him during the
last stages of cancer
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
people hanging all over me telling me it was ok to be angry at dad
for leaving us.everyone turned into a grief counselor. I wish they
had just said they were sorry and if i needed something to ask.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
they hear you - watch what you say. say all the things you forgot to.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to accept his death and not be mad at him for smoking
(resulting in lung cancer)
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
dad was diagnosed and people came out of the woodwork to say goodbye
- where were they before ? it was depressing for him and me to see
folks we hadn't seen in years.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
so much about my dad and grandmother was funny and quirky - not all
doom and gloom. talking with relatives and friends at the wake you
couldn't help but laugh when we remembered they way they lived. it
helped to deal with the death when you remembered the life
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have one more heart to heart talk - just because. i miss that. also
i wish that everyone had left me alone at the cemetary after
the funeral
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
pick out the right casket instead of the ugly one that my Mom loved
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the obituary (written by my aunt) contained many errors and no way
to correct it. it was the last public statement about who dad was.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
how many flowers were at the wake - as that somehow measured about
loved/important the person was.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i am doing something that dad nad i used to do together and i turn
to talk to him and he isn't there
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
we never would have built this new house - dad felt more comfortable
that the other house was paid for.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that dad had to suffer and that the decisions made concerning his
death (withdrawl of food) was so secretive. it made it seem like
we did something wrong which i firmly believe we did the right thing.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to someone without fear that my views will be used against
me. i also cry VERY easily and i think it alters the way people
view what i am saying
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried a lot but felt calm because all the suffering was over. dad
prepared me well to go on without him present in the physical sense -
his advice and love never left me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the nurses were great - very compassionate. the doctors did all that
they could and helped us deal with what we all could do nothing about
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
dad didn't want anything to do with hospice - although my mom is
hospice trained. he was a private person and was frustrated by the
attention his illness was causing.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
sending my dad into the afterlife with a religion that i feel
uncomfortable with (catholic). he believed and that was important
to him (and me)but i doubt if all the "hail mary" prayers are going
to get him anywhere.
--Religious Affiliation:
brought up catholic but now united methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
not sure i understand the question - but i am able to talk with
others because we all have been touched by death in one way or the
other. fellow christians (many religions) have been there for us
to comfort and support.
--Regarding MONEY:
not a worry as he had planned things...
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was nice to see everyone - why only get together at funerals ?
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when my dad died my first reaction was relief and a calmness.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
not sure...things just seemed unusually quiet at the end
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
talk to people...talk to the dead person
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none happened to dad (that i am aware of) but my grandmother said
she was "seeing" people who we knew had already died
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no experiances
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
nothing unresolved..i even dealt with my moms "secrecy" issue on
medical decisions made with dad
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i talk with the dead a lot and therefore i get my feelings out. i
knew they loved me and i loved them and i think that was the most
important thing we ever said.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i would love to see/hear from my dad but i haven't. I did have a
reoccuring "dream" about a woman -many aspects of her life and it
turned out to be identical to my husbands great grandmother (died
when he was 2). i knew things that i had no way of knowing and if
nothing else, my husband pays attention now when i say "i had the
funniest dream..."
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
do what the dying person wants not what YOU want. if you can't do
it - get someone who can. My husband & daughter don't think they
can deal with my cremation so my son will sign the papers and no
one will stop him.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i got everything straight with my family on this. I am very close
to my relatives and we talk freely about these issues. I am going
to be cremated and vials of my ashes given to any family member
who wants one. knowing that i won't be buried releases me from the
fear (irrational as it is) that i will be buried alive and the last
moments before my death won't be terrifying. I do not want to be in
pain and i don't want people fluffing my pillows because they want
them fluffy or putting blankets on me because They are cold. let
me go on as i approach death as i lived.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talking with the dead
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
made sure that family understood what i wanted at death and beyond
so there wouldn't be a question of " i wonder what she'd want"..
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
glad i wasn't forced to view the body
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
i was told that she was "just sleeping". it has now become an issue
with my own death and not wanting to be buried underground as I might
"wake up"
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
our church was there. moms church was not there for her but mine
was so she wasn't lost in the shuffle. i have discussed this with
moms church and some changes were made so it wouldn't happen to
another family
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
nice to find a forum to talk about this. i am currently taking
a psychology course which my assignment was to find a web-site
concerning an issue raised in our text. death and dying is covered
and i will be posting your site as a helpful one on the subject -
it makes you think about the process and where you stand.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
broader view of the spirit question...still unsure what you were
getting at.
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Wed Jan 24 04:31:57 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: drowning; Aged: 12.
--Details:
it happened at school, and i was away for the day.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
going to heaven or hell, and necer seeing anyone again
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was nine years old and very distraught
--That first time, how it happened was
it was my nan who died of old age
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how much fun i had with my frined before he died, and the fact that
i may never see him again!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the fact that i will always remeber the good things that happened
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends reassurance as they were going through the same
thing. also visiting the church nearly every day.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that i could not have fun with them, and that i wasnt
there on the day of his death so i couldnt say goodbye!!i didnt
get a chance to say that i loved him!
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
managed to cope after a long grieving period, and that even though
you dont forget them, you forget that they have gone away and the
fact that you may not see them again.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i first found out. i had trouble comprehending what the person had
told me, i didnt want to beleive it was true
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i was happy that he had gone to e better place and that he was
always joking and wouldnt want to see me sad.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him i loved him when i knew he loved me. spent more time with
him and just got the chance to say goodbye, or even save him. if
i was there i could have stopped him!!!
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my mum informed me that his mum had said he went round his house
talking about me!
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see a picture of him, it reminds of the fun we used to have
together and also when i go down the beach i imagine him lying
there lifelessly.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would still be as happy as i used to be, he would hang aroung in
our group and i could have told him that i loved him.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
im never gonna be able to see him again, or speak to him and i
didnt get to say goodbye.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
kill myself to join him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
coudlnt beleive that i didnt get a chance to say goodbye and i just
kept thinking of the last time i had spoken to him
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i had a place to go where people would listen to my worries
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
it didnt feel like it had happened for so long, a little while
after i forgot that he had died.i just expected him to turn up and
say that he had been on holiday
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Tue Jan 23 15:03:18 2001
F32 in Dundee, Angus =Scotland=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 15 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 74.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
My age
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Mon Jan 22 02:24:46 2001
F23 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I typed "death"
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--Details:
none.... but i have seen some photos of how ppl and actually I
have also seen a video clip of a man really being brutally killed
and I always tried very hard to imagine how it would feel to be in
his shoes..and sometimes wish that someone will slice my throat so
that I can feel the pain.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
death is the beginning and the end of torture, a gift of curse and
mercy from a dirt world
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I ...felt nothing really, I was at the funeral, but I felt nothing. I
wasn't allowed to look face of the one who had left us
--That first time, how it happened was
This is stupid, u will surely laugh at it.... I used a spoon and
sliced a caterpillar that was hanging outside the door of my aunt's
house. Thick yellow juice flowed out, all I saw then was yellow,
I imediately regreted and felt very guilty. the colour yellow stayed
in my head till today. The caterpillar probablyl still hates me (^ ^)
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
none... actually I don't really know. my grandmother died, my uncle
and aunt died my friend's father died...and I felt it's all my
fault that they died..that I had done something that caused their
death. I imagined what will happen when my family all died. I felt
hate, hated myelf.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
parents need to explain to the children about death and not shun
or shower them with superstitions
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
none
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
none... maybe if I, myself die.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Theydon't deserve it, they don't deserve the pain and suffering
they had gone through, it's not fair.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when they are dying and showing signs of pain on their face or the
mutilated body of the dead
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
make them happy
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
for me it's hypocrisy, self-comfort and a play of words
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
it's not the end actually, it's a cycle, which everything else in
this world is. U will know what is pain without knowing happiness
but u don't need happiness to know what is pain.
--Regarding MONEY:
it's always the issue
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
nobody really care except for those in direct connection wiht the
decrease. Soon who will remember the dead man...nobody time washes
many things away.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I wish I am the one that's dead..the others don't deserved to go
through such sufferings.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I had never experienced one but, I had an overdoes and my friend
in another country remote viewed the whole process.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
can I hug them? I 'd tell them to go, rest, and be happy,...and don't
worry. They deserve a good rest and be free from sufferings forever.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my dead aunt tried to pull my sister away and screamed at her while
my sister was asleep...my sister slept in with my parents for a
week after that incident. My dead aunt according to my sister who
didn't know about her death, was in much guilt and suffering even
after death and couldn't rest in peace.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope I suffer, because I am such a bastard. But I don't want those
close to me, to know. If I know I am going to die soon, I probably
won't feel anything..maybe I will keep quiet for a whole day, then
for the rest of the days being alive, try my best to make everyone
happy and give them whatever they want and do whatever my parents
tell me to do, and buy a farewell present for all my friends even
if they don't care the heck that I am dying soon. I don't care.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I draw and listen to music to make myself even more depressed and
draw more. It actually makes me feel better than trying to be happy
which feels so unreal and unsatisfactory
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
...I feel tired, I dont' care very much and I don't really like this
world, it's hopeless, and I really really hate myself because all
I do is complain, but is powerless to improve anything at all. It
really render my utterly useless.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I don't know, I try to to make many friends now, I feel guilty,
the closer u get to someone the more u will hurt that person, and
I hope noone will know or remember me. I guess u must be getting
really fedup reading all these pessimistic responses, thinking that
I am a sadfreak(^ ^);
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
It must be very painful and full of agnoy while dying....while
one's throat is being sliced by a hunter knife... etc
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it's nice to have a space to type out how u feel ^^)without having
to worry that the reader will know and judge u differently... though
I know those who read this will get impatient and fustrated reading
all the silly things I have typed.
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Sat Jan 20 16:11:19 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Looking for surveys in Yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 85.
--Details:
The dying process was harder - she became less and less capable -
she had to be in a nursing home toward the end. The last time
I saw her, I was running late and did not spend time with her.
I have felt bad about that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life. When someone becomes unavailable to those of us
who still live and their body decays and becomes unrecognizable.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not really understand it. I was a little nervous and a
little confused. I was fortunate to have my parents supporting
and explaining.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was very young and my great-granfather died.
I knew him well, but did not really understand the death thing.
My parents took me to a private viewing in the funeral home and
tried to explain to me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
missing the person. Feeling bad about our last parting. Worrying
about my mother and her reaction to it.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that Heaven is a comfort thing. That it is good for those it
comforts and for those it doesn't that it is not.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it forces me to think of the person - to remember the good times
and the fun. It brings the surviving people closer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband and nature.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
if there are bad memories or incomplete experiences.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
think about what they want and need - not what you want and need.
There will be time for you later.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
felt the wounds would not heal - but they do heal if you give
them time and try to be good to yourself. If you feel guilty -
also think about the good you did for the person.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
This is with a pet - he was VERY ILL - and we had to decide if
it was right to put him down. It was confusing and the hardest
decision to make.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
N/A
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have a long final visit with my grandmother to make me feel more
complete in the ending.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
stay strong and be there for my mother.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Finding a way to say goodbye. With my grandmother it was a candle
of her favorite color and some time to think. With my dog it was
a walk by his favorite river where we threw his favorite toy in.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The visiting hours - too many people - too much sympathy - it made
things harder.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am somewhere or see something or do something that reminds me
very much of the person.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my Mom is dying when she is so kind and generous - and people
who are mean and sour continue to live.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt this huge need to keep busy, to be helpful to everyone, to be
the strong person in the group and to show no emotion until I was
alone with my husband.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
It helps to spend some time remembering the person - the good times.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
When I was young - I touched my Gr.Grandmothers hand - it was cold
- it scared me and stuck with me
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Sat Jan 20 01:08:11 2001
F44 in Smiths Falls, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Wendy
Email: <rwlack=at=recorder.ca>
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: Developmental Services Worker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 20 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: kidney rejection; Aged: 52.
--Details:
I was away at my husband's grandmother's funeral...had premonitions
then too. Kept seeing him in the casket instead of the grandmother.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The final chapter of our lives. I believe in life after death...but
I'm at a loss as to how to make an alien understand all that...except
maybe to say death is a graduation of sorts to another level.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
already knew they were dead. Was upset...but upon viewing them at
the wake "knew" they were no longer there.
--That first time, how it happened was
My great grandfather was found dead when my grandparents went back
home after visiting us. When they called I had a premonition that
he was dfead. He and I were very close
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How uncomfortable people are attending wakes & funerals
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is as natural as birth.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My church upbringing. My father was prepared. I didn't mourn him
in the usual sense. I was sad...but not devastated.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Seeing what it did to my mother. She was young...but has never
remarried. Said no one could replace my dad...but she is lonely.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen to what they have to say...whatever it may be whether you
agree or not. This is "their" time.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
exposing my young children to the experience and not protecting
them from it. They now view death as a natural progression of things.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was nerves
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
make up with my father. We had rather a disagreement before he
died. I now know that he wasn't well at the time. But I know he
didn't love me any less.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the family sat around later and just "talked" about deceased.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the casket being open. We had it closed for the public with a nice
picture...only the family viewed my father.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
N/A
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my father should die after just receiving his kidney transplant
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a great support and a basis for my belief in life after death
--Religious Affiliation:
baptist
--Regarding MONEY:
we were lucky..it was prepaid. I think spending lots of $$ on a
funeral is foolish
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was so much nicer held in a church
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
grieving is a longterm process
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i have none
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
After my great grandfather died...his furniture was moved into the
guest room where I slept when I visited. The 1st time I slept there
after he was gone...I couldn't sleep. I saw gramps sitting in his
chair as usual. I wasn't afraid...more comforted. He told me if I
couldn't sleep to get in the other bed...it wasn't his. I did so
and have from then on. I never had trouble sleeping again.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
living wills...they should be legal....
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'd like to think I'd be ready...
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
My family told me the truth and didn't shield me...
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
just too emotional
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I helped my mother. I made her laugh when she thought she
couldn't...it was my best gift.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me reflect a bit...but otherwise it was just interesting
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Fri Jan 19 18:58:58 2001
F18 in red boiling springs, tn =usa=
Name: kayla
Email: <enchanted_rainbow_69=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
just went to yahoo search and looked up death tests...saw a death
test on another website
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Prof/Studies: nursing....cna
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 10 ago.
Cause of Death: being hit by a car; Aged: 8.
--Details:
it was really quite sudden and was heartbreaking
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a loss of a person or being and for them to never be doing what
normal beings doing. they leave and never come back event though
their body is their, there inner body is gone.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was eight years old and was tooooooo young to really understand.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a best friend of mine was hit by a car and
died instantly but his brother survived the accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the tightness of my chest and not being able to breathe and not
believing it!
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that life goes on and we need to learn to deal with it better
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
i just really did not actually deal with it at all. it is just now
really hitting me and i am 18
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
i tried not to think of it really
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Fri Jan 19 16:24:09 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of idol Public Figure, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Car Accident; Aged: 31?.
--Details:
Princess Di was killed in a car crash
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my dog died
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Wed Jan 17 15:10:39 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
University Professor listed on home page.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 81.
--Details:
He died from an abscess, a complication due to surgery to remove
prostate and bladder cancer. The sad thing was that the autopsy
showed no cancer left in his body. He would have lived except for
the infection...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the human body ceases to function. Like a battery that loses
its' power - the human body loses its' power and "dies".
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I had just seen them a few months earlier in perfect health and
couldn't quite understand how they could have become sick and died
so fast.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I had an uncle die very suddenly from cancer.
This was followed by my grandmother dieing from a very slow and
drawn out disease... (unsure exactly what it was but involved loss
of muscle control, etc.)
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How glad I am that my father did not die alone and that I was able
to hold his hand untill he died. I was able to be there and that
meant a lot to me.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is a part of life. That children need to understand it
from a young age. I allowed my daughter to see her grandfather
the day of his death and talked to her all through his illness so
she would understand what was happening.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It made me realize how short life really is. My father's death
motivated me to make some changes in my life I may not have made
otherwise.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My friends. One friend had a father also with cancer (who later
died) and one friend had a father who died 2 years earlier from a
heart attack. They were both wonderful support.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The irony that he died from an infection caused by the removal of
cancer...
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Do not be afraid to physically touch the person and talk to them
as they die. My father always wanted to hold hands. I think it
gave him strength. Talking made me feel better too.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
made sure that I talked to my daughter about it and made sure
there were no secrets. Death was not a "taboo" in our house and I
answered every question she had (at 8 she had a lot of them). She
fully accepted the death - although she talked a lot about it more
months afterwards - I never discouraged her and we keep an open
dialouge.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The body kept producing "breathing" actions from the automonomic
nervous system functions.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Can't recall that happening. But makes sense to me since laughter
and sadness are both strong emotions.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk my father into making a caudicile to his will. As executor
of his estate - it would have made the legal business afterwards
much easier. However, he wouldn't - and it was a hard thing to
discuss with a man with cancer.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I was thankful that the hospital staff respected the privacy of
the family and were very accomodating and respectful. They even
sent a sympathy card afterwards.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was shoved aside as a young girl by my parents as being to "young"
to understand or need to feel closure myself. This made me very
angry as a child.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
It was weird for others and I had to constantly explain. My father
was a potato chip aholic... and he introduced my daughter to chips as
well - and she just loves them too. We were able to leave something
in the coffin - so I bought him a bag of chips and left them with a
personal note attached. Like I said - people thought I was weird -
but I felt good about our own (my father and I )little "joke".
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
I was present when my father died. It seemed to help (me) knowing
I was there to the end.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
As a child I was not allowed to see my relatives when they were
near death or attend the funeral. This made me angry.
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Tue Jan 16 19:18:54 2001
M30 in Ithaca, NY =usa=
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Surfing
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
How Can I not be Among You?
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Ted Rosenthal, Stephen Levine,
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 51.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transition to another way of being. Death is a birth to something
else. Our spirits are housed in these bodies that allow us to
experience the world through many senses. These bodies are finite
in time. Our spirits leave the body when the is no longer able
to support the spirit. It is difficult at this time for us humans
to explain what happens after death, most of us have forgotten how
to remember or to access that state. For this reason some people
believe that death is the end. Others do not.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was thankful that they had died. Previous to their death I had
wanted them to be freed from their body because to me it seemed that
they must be suffering. I even had a dream that I had killed my
grandmother because I could no onger bear to see her suffer. I felt
extremely guilty for wanting her to die, but I did. Although I have
experienced several deaths since then, I do not feel I have fully
mourned the loss of any of them. I usually protect myself from
becoming very close, so that there is less to lose. Big lesson here.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandmother died when I was 18. She was
100. I was traveling and did not learn of her death until after
the funeral. There was an immense sense of relief in her dying.
She had been living in a nursing home for a year and I just wanted
her to be free from the suffering of her condition.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The respect for him in his process.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That death is inevitable and thus life is precious.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
For being with my friend as he was getting ready to die. Listening
to his insights into life and what he thought was important from
his perspective. "The truth is the most important thing."
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking to the other people who were close to my friend.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Opening my heart to him and feeling with him even though I knew I
was going to lose him.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Not in attendance.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
could sit and talk with, support and laugh with someone who was dying
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I visited my friend and didn't know what to say. I felt he was
surely going to die soon and he seemed to still be looking for a
way to live. I wanted to say just let go don't put any more energy
into trying to research and stay alive, just let go and enjoy what
you have left.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughing felt good
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to him more about what his perspective on life was
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with him
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we looked eachoter in the eye and really saw eachother
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
His funeral was open casket, without the casket. Instead his body
just lay out, all prepared and embalmed and dressed but not slid
into a half open box of wood. Why spend so much money on the darn
thing anyway? he was cremated a day later.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
nope
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
nope
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Now I'm a hospice volunteer. I was deeply touched and moved by
the support hospice provided.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Having something to corroborate our experiences with.
--Religious Affiliation:
Spiritual Mutt (Buddhism, Sufism, Christianity, American Indian)
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Undeniable
--Regarding MONEY:
Just the right amount became available. The community really
helped out.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Amazing outpourrin of sad/happy mourning and celebration.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Not thinking that anything wrong was happening
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The burst of energy that comes near the end of life. My friend
had been in bed for about a month. One day he got up and started
walking around and cooking his own food. To us and others it
seemed like he was recovering. I have since learned that this is
a common experience, that may last from an hour to several days.
And that it is a way for someone to get one last big taste of life
before they die.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Hugs help alot. I feel myself containing a lot of sadness wanting
to release. That simple hug works wonders to support me and allow
me to break down the way I really want to... Hugs Help
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
not present in this case
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Close friend had an NDE. She experienced total and complete bliss
when outside her body. She was reluctant to re-enter her body
which was in extreme pain.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I want to be able to be more open with my feelings, no matter who
I am with.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My grandfather used to visit me in the form of a lion when I was
a little boy.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The rights and wishes of the dying should be honored. I feel that
this is very important and suspect that it may have some impact on
their process after death.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I know that the moment of my death will be a moment not unlike this
moment passing now. Each passing moment dies. As for me, well,
I'm content to wait a little while longer to find that out.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Time alone in a spot that the deceased found beautiful or treasured
for some reason. Lighting a candle in front of a picture of
the deceased.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Her age helped it make sense, and my distance from the situation,
not being present.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
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Mon Jan 15 19:39:30 2001
M19 in Kansas City, Missouri =USA=
Name: J.R. Russell
Email: <defies_logic=at=hotmail,com>
Web: http://WWW.geocities.com/defies_logic
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: manual labor
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 2 yr ago.
Cause of Death: old age, basically; Aged: about 65-70.
--Details:
it was about 2 years ago, shortly after christmas, i liked uncle
bud alot, he was always teaching me something new, because of family
difficulties i wasn't able to go to the funeral
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--Death Is:
the end of existence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know what to say, i didn't cry, it was pointless, they were
dead, no use mourning, they have left, what's crying going to do?
--That first time, how it happened was
my great-grandparents started dying off on by one, seemed like
every year or so another one died. last one died in '94
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it stunned me, i thought the old boy was going to live forever,
he was so healthy and happy the last time i had seen him
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it isn't the end in the christian sense, you've hust left this
world, who knows what's on the other side, nirvana, heaven, hell,
paradise? it doesn't really matter
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it was the end of his suffering, he was in a lot of pain at the end
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the music, it has always helped me through my most dificult times,
it's always been there for me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being allowed to go to the funeral
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just let them go, don't ask them to hang on, don't cry, just let
them go so their spirit can rest in peace
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
don't mourn, there is no point, i go back to my irish-scottish
heritage, back to the wake, you mourn the night before, remember
their life, they next day is a celebration, their suffering is over,
what could be a greater cause for joy??
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
others tried to extend a persons life beyond the point that person
was willing to live
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was the right thing to do
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with them
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
just let it go, not drag out the mourning and sorrow like everybody
else
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the last breath was drawn and the face seemed to light up
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
when the doctor tried one LAST time to revive the person
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i don't have tha tproblem, death is as natural as life, when i'm
gone i doubt very much that i will know it
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
not one bit
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why couldn't it have been me, i would almost trade my youth for
the certainty of old age, including the mistakes and regrets
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die, i really do, deep down i have a death wish, i know it, my
friends know it, i just want it all to end some days
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
just walked away, i didn't cry, they were gone, what could my tears
possibly do for them now?
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did the best the could, it's really the famil y that makes it
so hard on the family
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
it was inhumane, just pull the damn plug, and yes i do believe in
mercy killing, even it applies to me, just pull the damn plug!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not a thing, the church or religion has never helped me through any
stage in my life and has always turned its back on me at the hardest
--Religious Affiliation:
formerly christian (nazarene denomanation) currently a blend of
agnostic, wiccan, celtic, and american indian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right, that concept is as close to a real omnipresent god as we
have this day
--Regarding MONEY:
everybody wanted a piece of it
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the fake mourning
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when the casket was actually lowered into the ground and the dirt
was shoveled in, it was very final and definite
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i have no idea, i expect to die, i don't try and prevent it,
i will die when i die and there is nothing i can really do about
when faced with impending death
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was over in five minutes, i don't grieve, mourn, or cry death
is final, my tears won't do anything for the dead
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i have never witnessed it
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
never experienced it
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
none, there is nothing i can do
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i don't really know, just tell him i miss him a lot
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
nope, never have heard about it
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
just pull the plug, if i'm in a coma or have sever brain traume,
just pull the plug, i don't want to live like that, i wouldn't wish
that on anyone
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
it is going to happen, i can't help that, when it comes, it's time
and i will be gone, it could be in two minutes, two weeks, or two
hundred years, i will die when my spirit wants to leave this place
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
listen to some good music, smoke a cigerette or two, and give the
person a private toast in hopes of a good afterlife if it exists
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i do now always toast my ancesters when opening a new bottle of
liquor, they always get the first shot and a toast with a prayer
for guidence and strength
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
nope, i have actually been driven away from my family for not being
"emotional" enough
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
none
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
neither just being alone was the most help of all
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it actually sorted out a lot of fellings and perceptions i didn't
know i had about death and dying, thanks
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
nope, looks good from here
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Mon Jan 15 06:49:41 2001
F30 in , =Canada=
Name: Sharron
Email: <gsmacrae=at=sprint.ca>
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: Decoarative painter
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: hepatitis; Aged: 61.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an escape from pain and being a physical body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
avoided the siuation.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
sharing the grief with my family.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to allow people to act as they wish at funerals wakes etc...be it
happy or devastated.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it took away my father's pain, and it brought my family very close
together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking about it wth strangers.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
watching him take his last breath.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
as hard as it may be, it is important to be there, if not just to
support other family members.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
coped so well.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized that my father wanted to die.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is ok to laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him exactly how I felt about him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there at the very end.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
his eyes opened and he looked up, as if seeing someone, moments
before his last breath.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the fact that he didn't talk about dying or his illness.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a certain song, my father was a singer..
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be mnore open and discuss everything.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he is unable to talk to us.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die myself just so I can see him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt a relief that his suffering was over.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
doubt.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very helpful.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
so much.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic.
--Regarding MONEY:
There were some problems, not with greed, but with the legal aspect.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
What a wonderful feeling it was to see so many people who loved
him all together.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Although very sad, it is actually a good memory.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
-drop in oxygen level -shallow breathing
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It was best to stay calm and focus on the good things.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I am sure that my father was brought to heaven by his parents.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
once while having an asthma attack I felt as though I had died,
and came back.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel quite pleased with the way things were left...I only have
questions about things that happened during his illness in hospital.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I want to hear that he is ok and watching over us.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
-dream visits that bring messages -hearing him speak my name -at
times I can smell him
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want my last rights.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not afraid to die, but I would be very depressed if I was told
I would die soon. I want to be very old when I die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Speaking to him openly when I feel that I need to.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
being more aware and sympathetic of other people when they are
grieving
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
my mother has found a friendship with a man that was a good friend
of my father, I really like him.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I was the one explaining the process from a medical standpoint. I
would have wished that the dr's had been more honest.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
You seemed to mirror many of my feelings, it made me realize that
many of my feelings are normal.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I think they're fine. Well, except the one about last rights,
it was a bit confusing.
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Sat Jan 13 23:42:13 2001
F59 in , CA =USA=
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psych tests - through Yahoo!
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More personal info:
Have lectured on this subject.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 99.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the body stops working
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
saw a friend hit by a train
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...Father ran over dog - gross!
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Holding his hand after he died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The fact I had told him what a wonderful father he had always been,
throughout my life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
organising things, not hurting feelings.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Touch
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Celebrate their life.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
That's fine
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Make him happy
--Religious Affiliation:
None
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
accepting cremation
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Dylan Thomas really helped.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
He taught me all I need for life.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
We would just say goodbye - it's all been said.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
No heroics.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Not any different - I am not missing anything in life.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Planted a tree.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Wearing his ID bracelet.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Closer to friends who have lost a parent.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Fate
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Sent flowers to the nurses.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think you have been talking to some very strange people - Death
comes along at any age, and we need to deal with it. There is
no reason to it.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
What was your first reaction to being told your loved one had died?
What is the first thing(s) you did?
Enhancements: Look at Death Poetry. It's very good.
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Fri Jan 12 13:39:46 2001
F15 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1yr ago.
Cause of Death: mosquto bite; Aged: 13.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A release of the soul from a hell known as life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
became very depressed didn't do much of anything and zoned out a lot.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...well it was my grandma and I was very close
to her. She wouldn't go to the hospital even though she knew she
should. Later that night she died of a heart attack.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Just wanting to hold that person and never wanting to let go.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
How not to be afraid of it. There is no reason to. I'm not afraid I
just feel alone after all my BEST friend died when we were 13! That's
not right.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Nothing!
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking to my friend Bethia. Realizing she felt the same way about
many things such as death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that I would never get to see them again and that they
would slowly fade away from me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
He was in the hospital just lying there not responding. He wasn't
dead but it was just sureal.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Appologize to him and tell him I loved him.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sunk into a deep depression that I still haven't come out of.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
A lot of people that weren't even friends came just so they could
get attention.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
When I was alone I felt like he was with me. An sometimes I would
be able to smell his colonge even though no one was around.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
At night when I'm laying in bed the smell of freshly baked brownies
lingers in my room.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My back got very cold and my lips felt like the were burning. It
felt like someone was watching me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
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Tue Jan 9 20:27:07 2001
F30 in alexandria, mn =u.s.a.=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 8 mos. ago.
Cause of Death: old age, failing health; Aged: 80's.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when your life on Earth is over. You leave your body and go
somewhere else.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very shocked. It was a young friend of mine. I did not
expect it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...when I was in 4th grade, a friend of mine
was hit by a car and died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
It was not a big surprise. She was older and not in very good
health. I was sad, but also felt that she was maybe better off
than living with more pain.
--What I think my (u.s.a.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
What happens to us after death. (which is not possible until we die)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Family. Though, I have to say that nobody extremely close to me has
died yet. It really scares me to think sometimes how I will ever
deal with the death of a close loved one. I know I won't deal well.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never did have an urge to laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time talking with that person. Get to know them a
little better.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
was very uncomfortable for me. I don't like to mourn in public.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My husband says that he was visited by a relative shortly after
that person died.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Not to me, but my Mom had a N.D.E. She said she had the floating
sensation and could see her body on the bed. She said she felt
peaceful, and since this happened she isn't afraid of dying.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
This happened to my Husband, once in church, he says he was visited
by his Grandmother. Once he woke up to see her. Also he had a dream
shortly after his Grandfather died. He says he knows it was a dream,
but it really felt like he was there talking to him in his dream.
My mom has been visited at night. She woke up to see her parents
standing by her bed. They talked to her shortly and then were gone.
This also happened to her where a friend visited in the same way.
This has not happened to me.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't know if I would want to know when I was going to die.
In one way, it would help prepare you for death if you know.
Wouldn't be as much a shock on your family, friends. I'm not as
much afraid of dying as I worry how my children, family, friends
would get along w\o me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Tue Jan 9 11:16:37 2001
F35 in Sydney, =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
browsing - looking for info re: children & death
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: congestive heart failure; Aged: 78.
--Details:
at 4am, after suffering a diabetic seizure. Sudden, unexpected by
family. CPR applied by me, with only 77 yr old mother in attendance.
Paramedics couldn't revive him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
another stage in the cycle of awareness/sonsciousness/life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...best friend died of AIDS, uncle died of
natural causes
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how annoying my relatives can be en mass.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
face it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my father did not suffer a long dibilitating illness
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my cat.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the lack of respect and understanding from friends and family
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
survived without losing my mind
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
we had to decide who would ride in what vehicle at the funeral
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
my family uses laghter and humour to heal & deal
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let my father know that I respected him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get through the funeral weeks without strangling my sister,
Scarlet O'Hara.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
no wake
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
doing things I did with my father
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I wouldn't be doing what I am now
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my friends wouldn't allow me to grieve in my own way around
them.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hibernate
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
began to realise what my loss entailed
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
ambivilance
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not much for me, perhaps something for the minister in the family.
--Religious Affiliation:
United Church of Canada
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
alright. Whatever.
--Regarding MONEY:
the Department of Veteran's Affairs sucks.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
many people who knew my father when they were young came because
he helped them get through difficulties - many of them are now in
their 40's and 50's.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Dad's ashes being transported in the limosine trunk from funeral
home to gravesite.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
not something I can describe.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
grief can never be judged by those not living it.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Sometimes I feel saddened, at other times I feel relieved that
he will not have to suffer any of the age related illnees other
people suffer.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Sorry I made pasta for supper.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I dreamt that my father appeared at our summer cottage, where my
sister and I were trying to fix or build something. He came in
through the front door, and outside was all white light. With his
appearance, I knew everything would be alright in my dream.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Pre-arranging the funeral.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Take what is useful, burn what you don't want, and scatter the rest.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
also speaking aobut the deceased
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
emotionally supported a friend through her separation and divorce
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was sympatico with the funeral services course i am studying.
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Mon Jan 8 20:15:40 2001
F26 in Lisle, IL =USA=
Name: Rachel
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 10yrs ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 82?.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of a lesson. Each life is a "grade-level." When you've
learned all possible lessons from one life, the lesson ends and
you graduate to the next grade.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to understand death. My parent's did not think I could
handle talking about it, so it was not mentioned in my presence.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My grandfather died from a massive heart
attack
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not the end of everything. We move on.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my loved ones.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I think the Christian church offers no solice for the grieving.
Christians are told that their loved ones remain in the grave
until God decides it's time for Jesus to return and collect his
followers. So, for centuries, God's followers have remained in the
grave, waiting? That's awful. A grieving person is left with the
knowledge that their loved one's soul is stuck in the ground.
Some priests/preachers do say that the soul goes immediately to
God for judgement. However, that contradicts the Bible.
--Religious Affiliation:
Wiccan
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I think that each person is a part of the Divine Spirit. When we
die, we are reborn in another humanly body to learn another lesson.
Once we have learned everything required, we return to the Divine.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I do not want to be kept alive by machines alone. If I am physically
unable to live, I want them to let go.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Sat Jan 6 18:20:00 2001
M21 in Gilebert, South Carolina =USA=
Name: Forrest J. Green
Email: <ForrestJG=at=Yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Military
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 15 Yrs.
--Details:
She had arthrits pretty bad and could not breath without extreme
pain. Neither my parents nor my sister could put her down so I had
to do it myself. I said I loved her and I'll always remember you.
Then I ended it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Just as a flame consumes a match stick from the moment of being
sparked there is only so much fuel to be burnt before there is
nothing left. At that time the flame has already burned brightly
and has left its mark on whatever it has touched. When the fuel
runs out the flame dies.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 5 years old. My cousin comitted suicide from a severe drug
addiction given to him by a mental institution as part of an
experiment. He was on some drug that stopped/replaced the natural
endorphines with artifically created ones and they cut him off of
the drug knowing how addictive it was. He was in constant pain
and no other drug could replace the endorphines.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... Our family cat had brought a mouse home
and was eating it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
He was an extremly smart man that knew what he was doing and it
was his choice.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death happens to all not just to "Other People".
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Never waist your time becuase it will come unexpectanly
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Knowing how nature works. Charles Darwin's - Evolution of the
Species
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Having to go through the rediculous rituals such as burial and
viewing of the casket.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Have no regrets for the choices that you have made even if they
were bad ones.
--[My dog's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Live each day knowing that it will come and am not bothered by it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
We had to go through all the rituals
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Seeing the hypocracy of other people. Those who didn't acknowledge
his unique existance in life suddenly are one of his best "friends".
Those who talk bad about someone untill he dies.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
????? (I have done all that I have wanted to so far)
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Do what I have done.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
They got over it.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
never
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
deal with reality
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
never had the thoughts
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
remember the person and move on.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
0x0= 0
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
unnessary grief
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
People are afraid of death so they make up stories of "afterlifes"
to comfort themselves
--Regarding MONEY:
OHH! We have to get the most expensive casket there is! To honor
a empty shell!
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Unnessary ritual
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Witnessing all of the Mourners. They don't feel that bad when they
are eating plants and animals do they?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I'll know it when I see it.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Its a time to say goodbye and I'll remember you.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
People are afraid of death so they make up stories of "afterlifes"
to comfort themselves
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
People are afraid of death so they make up stories of "afterlifes"
to comfort themselves
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Greet death with a smile ;)
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Saying goodbye and I'll remember you.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Knowing how nature works. In order for something to live something
must die. The Circle of Life. Growing up on a Farm.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
What's for dinner?
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Fri Jan 5 19:16:14 2001
F34 in Peterborough, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Fiona Newman
Email: <fionanewman66=at=hotmail.com>
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Prof/Studies: Self Employed
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More personal info:
Grew up in Ireland. Immigrated to Canada in 1989 You can post this
if you like
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1.5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 89.
--Details:
He was going down hill over the last year or so, he was diagnosed
with cancera few weeks before but did not in fact die of cancer, he
was no longer able to dress himself, he needed assistance buttoning
his shirt and he said quite plainly he wasnt hanging around for
any more of that! He died very peacefully an hour later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an end on our life here on earth, it is a separation from the living
and the dead but only for the ones left behind, the dead are still
aware of our lives and can guide us if we open up to that way of
thinking. It is difficult for the loved ones to deal with as you miss
the person, but ultimatly we are happier in death than inlife, we
will reunite with our loved ones and friends. I am not afraid to die
I am only afraid to leave my young daughter, I am actually intrigued
by death, and I look at it as a beginning to another journey
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad ther person died but was left out of the whole situation. I
only realized this wheile answering the question about my grandfather
and now i am pissed of at the fact that my parents especially my
mother did not discuss it and include us. I realise it was because
she loved my father so much she wanted to be there for him, but
we had to Walk to the service and didnt even get to sit with the
family we stood at the back of the church. AAAHhh!! lol
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was.. my grandfather on my fathers side died in
hospital from diabetes
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The pain of not being with my mother after her father died. (I am
originally from Ireland- I was away on holidays camping and I was
unaware of his death untill after he was buried. When I returned
home and found out I was as upset at not being there with my family
and not being there for the funeral, as I was at his death.
The most vivid thing I remember was the long deep moan that I let
out, it was simular to the noise I made when my daughter was born
but the opposite if you know what I mean. The birthing moan was
poower and life coming form me. I felt as if the moan i let out
at the news of his death was life being taken from me. Something
was missing. He was leaving me. We were very close connected even
though we didnt see each other much we had a simular bond and love
for each other. It was an unspoken of love untill the three or
four years before his death. If he was not well I could feel it,
the day he had a massive heart attack 3 years before his death I
spent the whole day thinking about him and focusing on him.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
The Irish celebrate the persons life more than mourns the death I
dont know how they could learn how to deal with it better
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
He did not die of cancer, he did not suffer, I could not bear to
think of his suffering, it was extremly peaceful and spiritual. My
mother found it very comforting and was left with no doubt that
her mother came to take him home with her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Terry, my husband, he was very understanding. He had never seen
me loose it like I did and hurt so bad, he knew that not making
it home was something I could not accept. it was worse than his
death. He gave me the space i needed, but also was there by my side
when I needed him.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not making it home to his funeral, I visualised him outside my back
door, on the patio checking out my flowers( we boths love to garden
and flowers of all kinds) I found it comforting after a day or so, I
enjoyed the though of him finally seeing my gardens for himself. what
I realise now is that I couldnt let him go for a few days. I sat
outside on the steps close to where I could see him standing. Then
I woke up on the third or fourth day and I couldnt see him anymore(
I would walk to the window first thing every morning) I felt sad
that he was no longer there but I was happy he was peaceful and
could leave me he knew I was ok.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I was not there but my mother was, she held his hand and just sat
with him, he had invited her to come to the hospital for breakfast
(first time ever) he knew his time was approaching, he wanted her
there. He asked the nurse to read my last letter I had written to
him, which was full of humour, and the last sentance was that I
loved him and to take care till the next time we saw each other. He
also asked for a priest to pray for and with him(another first!! he
went to church but not regularly. he did not like hypocrites, he
loved nature and loved god for giving us nature.) I think what
I am saying is that whatever the persons wish are they should be
granted, especially if they have fear of death. He had no fear
since his heart attack he almost looked forward to it, but still
enjoyed every moment he lived untill the last week of his life. He
was not aware he had cancer, they (my mother and doctor) decide
not to tellhim as he was such a good age.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Loved him so....survived the whole ordeal.....i dint think i could
handle it before he died, but i did and i believe it happened when
he wanted how he wanted I dont think he wanted me to be there, he
would rather i was partying with my friends than packing, flying
home, crying etc... I loved him, I enjoyed him, got a laugh out
of him, didnt realise as a child how much he loved me, appreciate
everything he has passed down to me especially my hair even if i
say so myself I have great hair! He had that same hair. his death
has raised my spiritual awareness and assured me of another journey
after death. The main one is I never feel like he left me....he
is with me always. Guarding me and encouraging me ( I quit smoking
last year..he hated women smoking he thought it was brassy!! lol
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My 25 year old cousin died the January before my grandfather,
We grew up living two doors away he was like anothe baby brother
to me. It was so shocking.....but not as traumatic for me as
my grandfather....I believe we all live to achieve one special
thing...it may not be a major accomplishment...just one thing
and when it has be done your time here is done....I would love
tounderstand what it is we each have to do. It confuses me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was a coping mechanism the body has....The irish celebrate
life..stories and funny stories...they relive all the stupid mistakes
and mishaps of a persons life... in order to deal with the loss..I
dread to think of the stories when i'm gone lol
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be with him when he died, but i dont think that was his wish so i
dont feel any regret or sadness about any of it now, but I still
think I would have liked to be there. (perhaps curiousity reasons
only, i felt as though he would make it easeir for me to know where
exactly he was heading...lol
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have him in my life. I am thankful I was given the chance to
witness the love between my mother and him, the role reversal
life plays on us.. the comitment my mother had to caring for her
father.And most of all to see that he was aware of how much she
did for him even if he went along with her pretence that "it was
nothing"She didnt want him to know how much of a "bother" it was
to her, so he let her believe he didnt realise. She left her job
and literally put her life on hold for 3 years to make sure his
life was as full as it could be, he was not prepared to ever live
any where other than his house, so she did a lot of running back
and forth. She ensured he had the most nutritious food possible,
she gave all she had..... and....... he knew and appreciated it.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My mother had a very positive experience sharing his death with
him, she said it was as she would have wished it to be. My mother
told me that she sensed her mother was with them in the room for
a few moments before he died...no one else noticed but my mother
did...she could smell her. And for the first time ever my mother
said she realised there is so much more to death than we could ever
imagine. She was left with a very comforting feeling even at that
time of loss.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what you leave behind.....My mothers siblings barley speak to her
because he left her everything.but when he needed them they were
not there. it was his thank you to her. but even today she doesnt
care about the inheritance. I know she would much rather have the
family life she had years ago.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember that whail I let out of me when I heard my grandfather
had died....My mothers voice when I phoned her for the first time
after I heard...... Seeing my cousins coffin being carried into the
hearse by my father and brother,seeing my aunts face as they lowered
the coffin into the ground like it was more than she could bear.
oh oh kleenex time!
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
In respect to my cousins death, there are family members keeping
in contact now that never had in the past, we became aware of the
necessity to stay in touch. In a way my grandfathers death was well
timed. I dont want to think about him lingering on sick i like it
better this way..believe it or not.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my mother did not have the comfort of her siblings they
still gave her grief even over fulfilling his wishes about being
cremated...
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
know what it is like........
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
(my cousins death) I realized my place in the family. How much we
meant to each other and could comfort each other and understand each
others pain (excluding of course the parents and siblings of ronan
(my cousins) I even felt this bond with the members of the family
i had never actually met.I flew home within 2 hours of finding
out. every member of the family came together from all ends of
the earth as it was such a shock and it was the first death in our
family other than our grandparents. there was over 200 of us in one
big gathering room (my dad has 10 children in his family)It was a
weird feeling as I looked around the room we all looked simular,
each of us had at least one feature alike but it was a belonging
and powerful feeling. I felt that if we tried we could have moved
mountains that day.... all of us united . I just realised that my
answer has very little to do with the question..lol analyze that! lol
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
closure, comfort, support, ritual.
--Religious Affiliation:
Raised Catholic, currently investigating Book of Mormon..I think
mainly because they have simular before and after life beliefs to
mine.However they have some issues i do not hold with.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
free and infiniate ( for the dead person)
--Regarding MONEY:
my mother was left everything but she didnt care, the others wanted
the money but didnt show much respect or caring for him when he was
alive. He had given each of the others(5others) property to build
their homes he felt they got their fair share already.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
My cousins funeral-- He would have been so pleased and suprised at
how is went. I didnt expect itto be the way it was I know he never
would have either. him even more so.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the inability to cry at the times it hurt the most i didnt have
the energy. (in both cases) the feeling that my cousin is better
off now...i cry over his loved ones pain..not him being dead....
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
desire to live...in my grandfather's case when he couldnt dress
himself he decided to "check outs here"
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i needed to talk about every little minute detail and still do as
you will notice!!
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I know my grandfathers death was like this as my mother experienced
it, My cousins death I dont know as he died alone but I know
someone came to meet him i know that is how it it....i dont know
how i know that i just do...
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I touched on it earlier. I took a course in Reiki on a saturday in
canada..I spent the majoruty of the preparation time thinking aobut
my grandfather, mother father and sister. For some funny reason all
i could think aobut was them.. the lady teaching the course told me
i needed to focus all my energy and attention on them as this was no
coincidence. when i recieved my atunement ( becoming aware of energy
all around us and where it comes from) I experienced a terrible
fear at first as i knew there was someone coming to me from the
other side. I became hysterical (hich I was told was quite common)
the reikimaster came to me comforted me told me to focus and see who
it was and the when i realised it was my grandmother -shespoke in
her voice. i would have questioned this but i had friends witness
her speak with a vey distinct irish accent. I felt bizzare at that
time i had no idea what her message meant. I was drained but still
focused all my energy on my grandfather. The following monday 3
days later) my mother told me that my grandfather had been feeling
a little out of sorts on the saturday morning and at the exact time
I recieved my entunement he had experienced a massive heart attack
and appeared to have died at the scene ( they were out for lunch)
the top cardiac surgeon in Ireland just happened to have dropped
in as this happened. his first response after checking him was the
"we have lost him" then he did what they have to do and kept trying
to ressusitate him...my grandfather woke up in the hospital after
a hectic ambulance ride with no signs of any damage caused by the
experience. his first comment was why did you people do thatwhy
didnt you just let me go id be in heaven now!! When I heard this
story i was horrified and then felt a bizarre connection to my
grandfather, I wondered if he had experienced anything but knew
i could never ask him. months later I went home for christmas and
he and i were alone fore 5 minutes he mentioned not being afraid
of death anymore....he looked me right in the eye and said I know
youknow why too. she showed you didnt she..I didnt answer i didnt
have to...what i didnt tell him was that she hadnt 'showed me'
anything....she just told me to concentrate on him and feel the
love i felt for him let him see it.....perhaps thats what it is
intense love and peacefullness. Whart made it even more real for
me was that he knew something had happened to both of us at the
same time and that my grandmother was there with both of us......
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel 100% ok there is nothing i would change about our
relationship
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would ask him to thank my mother and let her know that he knew
all she did for him i dont think she believes me when i tell her
he was very aware of all she did.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
When I heard my grandfather had died I was feeling like I was
leaving my own body. The realisation theat he was not only dead
but had been buried that morning was so unbeleivable to me i could
not accept it as reality. I banged my head against a door, jumped
up and down in the one spot and screamed a swear word over and
over. I went out my back door onto my deck to get air to breath and
I saw him standing in a typical pose hands behind his back slightly
bent forward looking at my flowers, they had been without water in
extreme heat for 2 days..so of course they were wilted.. I could
see him shaking his head and going "tut..tut..tut" like he always
did when he didnt approve of something...I instantly knew he was
upset the floweres needed care. I watered the flowere and calmed
down considerabley..then i sat on the steps staring at him i could
see each and every detail Istill can,,down to the designs on his
shoes. at first I thought it was a trick my mind was playing on
me that i was remembering colothes and shoes he had worn.i later
found out that he had been burien inthat outfit. I felt in control
of myself in that spot.....i felt peaceful. I would ask why such a
shitty thing would happen why and how could it happen.and moments
later i would recieve what i considered to be his answer...somes
of these answers revealled something aobut myself i have never
considered. I continued to see him there from every window in my
house form every corner of my back yard untill the wednesday night
I knew as i looked out before i wnet to bed that he would soon be
gone, I got up in the middle of the night to see him again and he
was very faint he was like you see in movies almost transparent
while before he was very vivid. I woke the next morning and he was
gone..but Iwas feeling peacefull and i realised i had let him go
he didnt leave me i had LET him go. I showered for the first time
that day since the monday morning( my poor family! lol) I put on
make up and started to get on with my life. I often wonder about
seeing him i have no qualms telling anyone about seeing him i know
what i saw i dont care if they believe...I think our common love
was fowers and gardening, in my last letter i wrote to him i had
mentioned that he would be proud of my gardening abilities i must
have recieved form him.i believe he came to check them ou nad to
help me deal with the news. Later that day I phoned my mother and
as we spoke a hummingbird(which we never had in our garden before)
came to our window and was tapping on it...my husband noticed it was
moving from left to right. (I pace while i chat on the phone..left
to right.lol) my husband said he would not hae beleived it if he
didnt see it. then my mother siad.."funny theres a bird tapping on my
window and flying back and fourth" youcould have knocked us all over
with one of theri feathers!! The a week later I had some business
aquaintances at the house and we sat on the deck. I often glanced at
the spot he stood in and said ..help me do this today..help me stay
cheerfyl.. i know you are with me...we sat tnfd chatted and I began
to slip into a quiet sad feeling.then from nowhere a hummingbird
flew right up to me hovered infront of my face over my head and
around the circle the 5 of us sat in. each one of us was silent..I
sat up and smilled like an imbicile! the others was shocked they had
never seen a hummingbird come so close to anyone.....since then we
have had hummingbirds visit frequently i have planted flowers that
attract them. I smile every time i see a hummingbird.....I dont
think he is now a hummingbird.i believe he used the hummingbird as
a sign..i'm here i am always with you... you are never alone...
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would rather not have an open casket......vanity..i want to be
remembered as i was....i would like to be cremated and I dont yet
know about the ashes. I want to know if my family would like a
place to visit me or if not. I think your wishes should be know
to more than one person..my grandfather had told my mother that he
would like to be cremated ant scattered from the highest appartment
building inIreland but he didnt write it down and the other family
members would not allow it. It still bothers my mother.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would not be afraid to die if I didnt have a 6 year old
daughter. she is extremly bonded to me. i am her lifeline toeverythin
even though she is an independant little person. I am very important
to her. I dont tihnk I could deal with the knowledge that she would
have to be without me. that sounds very egotistic but it it totaly
selfless it is all about her and her little heart being broken..ohoh
kleenex time again...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
watering and nuturing the plants which had wilted on my patio and
deck. I gardened a lot.. i found myself afraid he would be upset at
me if i let the flowers get in " a sas state" as he would have said.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
not really i let the flower bedsgo to ruin this year i dont know
why..but i got them back under control again....
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
One of the ladies that witnessed the hummingbird and I have become
good friends.....she had no doubts that it was some kind of sign we
laugh about it and she has expressed her suprise at it. she helped
me deal with the whole horrible experience and yes i would say it
was one of the foundations of our friendship
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
parents didnt bring us to funeral home, was not discussed, we went
to the sevice seperatly to my parents. My mother concentrated on my
father and his family and forgot about us! It was never discussed
with us it was as if it didnt affect us in their eyes.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
talk talk cry talk talk let it all out
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i realized for the first time that i was angry about being left
out of my grandfathers death when i was 13 (on my fathers side)
I am still angry even though i know my mother was concentrating on
being ther for my father and his mother and siblings. still it was
our grandfather and we had to walk to the service and stand at the
back pissed me off! It got me thinking aobut some of your questions
and actually answered some of my own!! lol It really emphasised
and identified the feelings i had in that huge room full of Newmans
(my surname). I never realised it was the united power and energy
of family. it was a cool realisation and i wish we could all feel
that feeling of belonging to something so awsome - Perhaps the
Kennedy"s have realised this!! lol
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Fri Jan 5 09:25:23 2001
F58 in Davis, CA =USA=
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Prof/Studies: Reproductive Endocrinologist
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More personal info:
Don't put me on any mailing lists...
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 52.
--Details:
Abruptly, thank God.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
This is a question I would need to study.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother on my ftaher's side died of cancer. They were Old
World Italian Catholics. She was laid out in an open coffin for
viewing in her livingroom. It was one of the first times I had
been allowed in the livingroom -- my place was the kitchen when
she cooked. I was taken by my mother to see Gandma dead. It was
odd. It was funny. It was curious -- all the adults were odd.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The most recent death was that of my mother two months ago. I was
grateful we had had the time to say all that needed to be said about
the gifts she gave me as my mother. And to have long forgiven her for
her limitations as my mother. I also recall my sadness for my brother
who is tied up and silent and for my father who lost his companion
of 61 years. And relief that she had a stroke and didn't have to
suffer the prolonged, painful decline of lung and brain cancer.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That is part of life and that it should be more familiar to us all
as it will surely come to us all.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
In the case of my best friend's death, peace.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My love of the dying person and need to confirm their contribution
to who I am today.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Attachment -- my greatest sin and the one that rules me yet.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Speak to them and touch them. They still hear and feel while they
are in transition from living to dead.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
saw and heard the messengers.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I couldn't let go, even though it was the right thing to do.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
No. That's not true. I felt silence in the noise of wailers; I felt
warmth in the cold ER room; I felt peace. And I felt my best friend
left the room with me while the others wept over his body.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
So far -- nothing.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there, be present, be strong for thoise who could not be strong
and redirect their thoughts towards the value of death.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
He makes me laugh or when I realize I no longer have a mother and
that some day I will leave my daughters.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It has never been an issue of "fairness" to me...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was grateful.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
This is a complex question that requires study.
--Regarding MONEY:
None.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was the only one -- nonprofessional -- who spoke about my friend
and there were hundreds of people. After I spoke, no one else
would. I was the first to speak. The rabbi was the last.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Our own failure to believe what we see -- denial. To refuse the
dying person the grace of experiencing his/her own demise.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Write to the dead or dying person to clarify what you feel and to do
what you can. In the case of my mother, I did not get to say a last
good by. I wrote one, burned it, and mixed it with her ashes. That
works for me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Complex question -- needs study.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
You bet.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Integrating the messengers in to my daily life and asking for help
to face my weaknesses and get free of them...prayer or meditation?
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
See above.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
What helped me here was innocence -- somehow I already new that
death meant goodbye forever in the physical form.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
I had to wait many years for another experience that I recall.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Well, some of the questions make assumptions that are not necessarily
true. There is a stroong bias towards socializing death -- this
may be good, but is not as necessary as facing our own deaths. I
think. But I'm not an expert.
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Tue Jan 2 08:18:27 2001
F19 in Manchester, =Great Britain=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student studying Psychology and History
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 9 ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 72.
--Details:
See above. I was very close to my Grandmother. She died just
after my 11th birthday and I never got to see her to say thank you
for my present.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
either peaceful or painful. It can be sudden or prolonged.
Sometimes, in a funny way, it is a blessing if the person has
been sick for a long time, as they do not suffer any more. I am
an agnostic but I would like to think that there is some form of
afterlife. I imagine that it would be very tranquil and serene,
and would make the person who had died feel at peace and be happy.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried for a long time. I found the funeral very difficult.
I was quite young and could not understand the concept of a wake.
I didn't know why people were having a 'party' as it were. I find
it easier to cope with death now that I am older - maybe because
I understand that sometimes it is for the best.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Grandma died of cancer. Originally she was suffering from cancer
of the kidney and then it spread throughout her body. I wasn't
allowed to see her in her final weeks because my parents thought
I was too young.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The last person I know who died was someone that had betrayed
my family's trust. I remember thinking that I was a bad person
because I didn't feel upset and wasn't sorry that they had died.
I went to the funeral for the sake of the man's son as I am quite
close to him. I thought what the priest said at the funeral didn't
reflect the character of the person that had died. I found the
whole funeral hypocritical. My mum and dad felt guilty as they
felt that they should have made peace with him but I don't think
that they were genuinely sorry, I think they just felt regret.
--What I think my (Great Britain) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Everyone needs to deal with it in their own way. I think people
interfer to much and expect certain reactions.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that when my other Grandmother died she was finally at peace.
She had been ill for about 5 years and had deteriorated severely
in the last couple of years. She didn't know her own daughter
and granddaugher. However, occassionally she would call me by my
name and apologise saying that her mind wasn't what it once was.
This made me sad as she obviously knew who we were but was just
unable to express it most of the time. She was very frustrated
towards the end because she couldn't get out what she wanted to say.
I am glad that she is finally at peace.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends and family. I am very close to both and it helped that
we were all able to speak about death openly. No one forced each
other to talk which was good as well as people have different ways
of coping.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
occassionally forgetting that they had passed away and then wondering
how they were, or thinking about going to see them, before realising
that they had died.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't make them feel like an invalid or remind them that they are
dying all the time. Treat them as you usually would.
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Was able to cope just by talking about it openly whenever I felt
like it. Its bad for you metally and physically to keep things
bottled up.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
It was very sudden and how no warning whatsoever. My Aunt died of
a blood clot. The day before she had been planning to come around
for dinner and I had seen and spoken to her. It was such a shock
that she had died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I laughed during the eulogy that my dad wrote for my Nana's funeral.
It was genuinely funny and reminded everyone of what a character
she was.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say thank you and goodbye to my Grandmother. I also wish that I
had been to see my Nana more before she died and that when I did
go to see her I didn't do it begrudgingly and see it as a chore.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
See my Nana and speak to her and remind her of all her friends and
family that love her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
This sounds really stupid because I am agnostic and don't really know
what I believe in, in terms of God and an afterlife. But when my
Aunt died I knew before anyone told me. I was waiting for a bus and
it was a bright summer's day without a cloud in the sky and suddenly
there was a tremendous downpour. I remember thinking "the angels
are crying" - I don't know why because I don't believe in angels.
When I got home my dad told me that my mum had gone round to my
Aunt's but didn't know why. I just said "I think she's died".
I found out later that the downpour had happened at her time
of death.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
That at person's funeral they should always be praised as having
a good reputation and image even when they didn't.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I wonder if I would be closer to them if they were still alive.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone died so young. Surely people should live a full and
long life.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and talked about how I was feeling. My parents also made
sure that we never forgot our Grandmother by telling stories and
memories and showing us photographs. It really helped.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They supported us and took great care of everyone I know who
has died.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I found it hard to see my grandparents deteriorate in the way that
they did.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
It only played a part in the funeral.
--Religious Affiliation:
Agnostic.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I think that spirits surround us in the form of nature.
--Regarding MONEY:
People were greedy and couldn't wait to get their hands on the
inheritance. It showed how uncaring they were.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Over 400 people attended my Aunt's funeral and it highlighted exactly
how loved she was by the whole community and how much her life made
an impact on those who surrounded her.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
A lack of feeling sad or remourseful when a family friend died.
He had betrayed my family's trust and I wasn't the least sorry that
he died. Feeling that way made me feel guilty.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
When people start going senile - it is often worse that physical
deterioration. For example my Nana couldn't remember me or her
daughter. Watching her get frustrated by the fact that she couldn't
remember was worse that watching her lose that ability to walk.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Talking openly is best and hanging on to memories of that person
when they were in good health.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My Nana was convinced that she saw her dead sisters.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell my Aunt how much I admired her. I would tell my
Grandma goodbye. And I would tell my Nana that I loved her and
thought that she was an extraordinary woman.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I did a ouija board and it spelt out my grandmother's name and
the word goodbye. I don't know if it was a spirit or just someone
pushing the glass around trying to offer me some sort of consolation.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It reminds me of what people want doing with their body when they
pass away.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am afraid of a long and painful death. I dread being told that
I have cancer as many family members have died from that. I also
dread going senile. I would rather die that degenerate in my mind.
I would like to die peacefully and quickly.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
As I am agnostic I don't pray to God. However, I pray to the last
person I know who died. It sometimes helps me cope as I am getting
something off my chest.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
My other Grandma was really insensitive. She didn't seem to care
and I found that hard to understand.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Haven't talked about death to a stranger before. It is suprisingly
easy. It has made me think of issues that I haven't considered in
depth before.
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Mon Jan 1 23:57:29 2001
F38 in Fort Edward, NY =usa=
Name: Kathy sidusky
Email: <mama-315=at=webtv.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: NUrse
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, yrs1 ago.
Cause of Death: pneumonia; Aged: 77.
--Details:
He suffered for four months with pneumonia . He went into cardiac
arrest on Jan 8 2000 he was given cpr and revived was placed on a
respirator and lived 11 days more .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life on earth . Our spirit goes to a better place where
there is no more pain . But we miss hte person that has died so
much that we cry alot and are not happy for a long time.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 5 and did not really know what was happening.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my granmother died of kidney failure she was
in her 80,s I was 5
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
shock I did not believe it was true that he could really be gone
. I still have trouble dealing with it.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that people don't get over it as quickly as some people think we
should . People need to be more understanding and patient
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Dad is no longer in pain . I do not have to watch him struggle for
every breath anymore.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
watching John edwards on tv . Having dreams about dad.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That final good bye before they closed the casket . It was so hard
to walk away knowing that I would never see my dad again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I am a nurse and even though I was not there when my dad passed
away I know that alot of times a dying person needs to hear that
it is ok for them to go . That you will be ok without them.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
know never to leave anything unsaid never leave without that kiss
goodbye because you never know if it is your last kiss.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was told by the doctors that there was nothing more that could
be done and dad was going to die . excepting that was hard .
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did not laugh. As a matter of fact I remember feeling angry when
I heard people having a conversation at the wake and laughing I
felt like how dare they laugh at a time like this.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be with dad when he died . Had I known he was going to go that
night I would have stayed with him and held his hand . I regret
that he left this world alone .
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Get through it without passing out . even though I felt like it .
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I still cry everyday sometimes I wonder if I always will .
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would visit him everyday . I would make sure he was happy and
well taken care of . I would take him for rides in the car and
fishing It would be great.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
He should not have suffered so bad he did not deserve that .
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back in time before he got so sick and make sure things went
differently.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt like I could not breathe like I was suffocating . Like I could
not go on with out him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
No one knew what the hell they were doing I wish I had more proof
of their neglgence because I would sue their butts off.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I had no contact with them and was never offered any by the hospital
. It may have made our choices easier if we had hteir help
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I have to believe their is life after death there is a heaven and we
will be together again someday or I will not be able to deal with
it. Death is not just darkeness nothing but cold dark emptiness it
can't be.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Like my dad is still here with me . He is watching down on me .
--Regarding MONEY:
It was not an issue
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Seeing all of dads old friends was nice . However there were some
people who I expected to be there that were not there and that hurts.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I had to put a blanket on dad because I did not want him to be cold.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
They way people become more alert in the hours before death sometimes
they seem like they are getting better , but they are not so do
not get you hopes up .
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
denial was the hardest part to get through . I never excepted his
dying until he was really gone.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I wasn't with dad but I have had patients who have reached out
their hand and said momma have you come to get me . Then they die.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
my mother in law had a near death experience where she said she was
going toward a bright light but then was brought back to life and her
own body . She said if she were to die again to let her go because it
was nicer there than it is here and she is no longer afraid to die.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I had a great relationship with dad.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
-That I love them I miss them and I would like to know if he
understands why i had the cpr done on the 8 and why I had them put
in a feeding tube . I love him and did not want to loosed him .
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Yes on the night of dads funeral I was in a semi sleep state and
I felt a hand the size of my fathers hold my hand and I heard him
wisper I am still here. I thought to my self you have to wake up
and look . and as soon as I opened my eyes the hand slipped away
. I have also had several dreams of dad with his dead dog just
running around having a great time.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I believe every wone should have their wishes in writing so no one
is ever in the position to make those tough choices.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope when I go it is quick and I don't suffer like dad did . I
am not afraid to die I am worried about how my kids especially the
baby will do without me,
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
No I am still having a tough time.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I pray everynight where I did not before
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I thought she was sleeping I tried to wake her up . My parents made
me leave the funeral home and I never went back never saw her again.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
Too young to under stand
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just understanding how I felt . Not telling me what I should do not
saying I should let him go that he wouldn't want to live that way .
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me think alot made me feel more normal because obviously
other people have the same thoughts I do.
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See Dec 00 contributions.
See Nov 00 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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