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See Current contributions.
See Nov 00 contributions.
See Oct 00 contributions.
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Fri Dec 29 12:08:44 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo! Polls and surveys
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: road accident; Aged: 52.
--Details:
They [couple] were on holiday in South Africa and the bus they
were in went off the side of the cliff. It was all over the news
in the UK.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life, when our bodies cease to sense things around us
and the brain stops controling out body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 5 and devasted. It took me a year to get over it, but in
hindsight, i coped very well considering that it was someone close
to me.
--That first time, how it happened was
Old gran passed away
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my dad crying, and the fact that it hadn't sunk in. It only struck
me the day after that they died.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
???????
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the end of pain of an illness....
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family. [mum mainly]
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
their absence in everday life
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
that the person would be left with memories of that person.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Parents and the fact that I knew that she'd die at some time as
she was very old
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Fri Dec 29 03:13:45 2000
F17 in Auckland, =New Zealand=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 0 ago.
Cause of Death: asthma; Aged: .
--Details:
just couldn't breath properly
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didnt quite understand and wasn't too saddened by it
--That first time, how it happened was
My great grandfather died of a stroak when I was 10
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
breaking down and crying in the arms of my boyfriend (the first time
I cried beacause of the death), after telling him of my memories
with my Grandfather (the deceased)
--What I think my (New Zealand) culture needs to better learn about death is:
You can't be so certain there is an afterlife
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I discovered how close I was to the deceased
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my boyfriend
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
them not being around any more
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
thinking of the afterlife
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
I'm scared because I don't know if there really is one
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Tue Dec 26 06:31:40 2000
F21 in sydney, NSW =Australia=
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Prof/Studies: Enrolled Nurse
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--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
the people I have known well, who have been close to me, that have
died have never mentioned these experiences , or have not died in
peaceful circumstances. Although at work ( I am a nurse and sometimes
deal with pallative care ) I have noticed clients, who are in the
late stages of dying hold out hands or smile, to things? that are
not really there.But these actions I have only ever witnessed on
those who have had alzhimers disease or dementia.Other people who
I have seen dying in hospital are often very comforted by human
touch from a loved one, or a nurse.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I know alot of people who have had to face the challenge of
cancer. People often re-evaluate and change their attitudes toward
life, enjoying activites, especially creative activities That they
otherwise would not have taken up.I know people who are in remission
and are glad they had cancer because it changed them so dramatically
in a positive way. They enjoy life more and the roses smell sweeter,
or something like that.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Dad and mum divorsed when I was 6 months old. I saw Dad about 5
times a year, when he found out he was dying he and I spent alot
more time together. He felt guilty about his past and I completely
forgive him. I still think its sad that Ill never have a 'normal'
father figure and a chance to form a close bond, but thats the
way things are and I just have to accept that. He was a great man
and I admire the way he lived his life as free as a bird. He was
sucessful and did alot of good for the aboriginal communtiy.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
After my dad died, last year. I had a dream that I was at his funeral
and he was speaking to my mum. He told her to tell me that he loved
me. He didnt look at me or talk to me, but it didnt seem to matter.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I strongly believe in organ donation, and if the situation arrived
that I was able to donate I would want to and my family members are
aware of that. I dont want to end up in the coroners court having
an autopsy. Otherwise I dont mind.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I must admit I havent thought an alful lot about my own death. I
try to live like every moment could be my last in retrospect to
the way I treat my realtionships and myself. The thought of dying
a unhappy frightened person is not appealing. I view death as a
normal part of life.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
When I first found out dad died(he was 41) I instantly cried for
ages. After that Ive been OK. I try not to think about it in an
emotional manner.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have become close to Dads wife and her family.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I found people to be very suppotive, even at work.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Sometimes I think I might be apathetic, which is not a good thing.
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Mon Dec 25 19:09:26 2000
F51 in , Wisconsin =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Looking for reference onBardo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Self (impending), several ago.
Cause of Death: abuse;
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transition from one type of reality to another
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I had a Near death experience.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
learning to let go
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
is should not be feared
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the light
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing it is not some doom we have been lead to believe
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
saying it was okay
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
maintaining peace and calm within
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
can let her release the suffering and go to the light
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the other person can't just allow
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is okay
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
show her a better way to live life before she shut down and quit
trying
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for her
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
she said so many things symbolically
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what else was happening in the world
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have strong memories of her
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
There would be no pain
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that people have to suffer this way.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stop other's from causing themselves and other such pain
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust. They only want to numb pain
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
hospice was not around.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
My views and my families are quite different. They were never
to incorporate true spirituality into their lives but saw God as
something separate from them.
--Religious Affiliation:
Mixrf. Somewhat pagan, taoist, jewish. I see more similarity with
religions rather than differences.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like energy, collective unconscious, etc.
--Regarding MONEY:
it had little bearing at all.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
being allowed to have the mixed service we wanted
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
experiencing the light
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
breathing
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it is not such a big deal anymore
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she had two people which she knew from her younger days, that I
did not ever know.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
It is such a feeling a peace, warmth, love. If anything one can
become anxious to experience it again. I will welcome death, not
fear it.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
None. We talked before she died.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Not needed
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My Dad phoned me in a dream at the time of his death and told me
to get over there right away.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Keep your affairs in order and make sure that someone is aware of
your current wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have things to do yet. But will happily go when it becomes my
turn to move on for whatever reason.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I am a musician and I play the person's song.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I want people to enjoy the life that they currently have to the
fullest.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I decided to find a significant other to spend time with.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I spent time at a nursing home trying to make people somewhat aware
that they can do and be more than a waiting body for some inevitable.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Interesting.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Not sure.
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Fri Dec 22 10:15:45 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
just browsin the web
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, yrs 1 ago.
Cause of Death: unknown, she just stopped breathing; Aged: 50.
--Details:
They think it was the medication she was on, that maybe she had a
reaction but they don't kniw for sure.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end in this life but a new beginning in the spiritaul realm.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my grandpa, who I lived with. He died
of cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I couldn't cry, and still haven't.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
is that it really isn't the end.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It brought the family closer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I think being alone.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to fogive my mother for how she treated me thru out
my life.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just shareing a movie or something like that.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
think yu should talk to those you love.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
all the arrangements were made and done,( I was alone on this one)
and then trying to morn. I still have not been able to.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
its good that I was able to laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell my mother off!!!
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Think strait.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I got a hug from my close friends.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
people bringing food and flowers over.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I wish.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
are you nuts?! I guess I am a realist. It would be the same now as
it was befor she died. she would never change.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That I couldn't straiten things out w/my mom.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
tell my mom off!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I don't remember not knowing about death, was never lied to about
the subject, even as a small child.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I wish it was back home in Ca. Being in northern Co. has its draw
backs, like poor medical anything.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Huh, for most maybe, but not for me. They are busy telling little
kids that there loved ones are going to hell for not going to
church. At least that is my experience.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am Pagan, was Baptist untill my grandpa died.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I don't understand the question. I believe there is a better life
after death. For ALL!
--Regarding MONEY:
It was not an issue. I took care of all expences.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I hated it!!! I didn't want to be there. I prefer to be alone or
just with my closest friends.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
My humer. Life is funny and so is death, I guess.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I never had a problem with death except when my mother died... it
was so sudden.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I dodn't know what to say here. Just being around for a person
is enough.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I think its great that they are met on the other side. I have seen
this happen and know it true.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My mom and I were never close. I don't know how to resolve the
problems we have. I do know that I wont take her crap on the
other side!!!
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
again, I must be a realist. all I can say is thanks for atleast
having died so that my family would be able to be close.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My grandpa used to come see me when I was little after he died. He
was there to help me I guess. We were very close.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't care how stupid dieing wishes my sound... fallow them
thru!!! all of them!!!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I love this realm... but it would be ok. I know many on the other
side. It will be fun.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have gotten close with my grandmother since my mothers
death. Untill then we hated each other. Now we are inseperable. she
is my last living relative.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
Was told he was going to hell because he didn't go to chuck on
sundays. not nice for a church to say things like that to a kid.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
by just listening.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it didn't do anything... sorry.
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Thu Dec 21 15:31:30 2000
F20 in Farmington, Maine =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: murder-gunshot wounds; Aged: 26.
--Details:
He was my step-brother, which was not provided as a choice. He also
used to date my sister through her high school years, and then
when they split, my dad and his mother decided to get together.
He was murdered by his live in girlfriend who found out he had been
talking to another girl.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of living. Your body still remains but there is no
reactions. You don't move, think, breathe, etc.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
took it fine. It was my grandfather who was 82.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather passed away. He was 82
years old. It was expected.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that he had to be murdered. That we shouldn't be in this situation,
of dealing with his death. That he was too young to be gone.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that family members shouldn't find over left over material things.
People should focus on the memories.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it brought my family closer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking with family and friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that he was murdered and was trying to get away as he was
shot repeatedly. A quick death would have been comforting.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned that anyone can leave us at anytime.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the first notification of his death. I was confused about what to
say and how to react around family.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didn't laugh a lot. I laughed when talking about memories.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him how much I loved him. He was my stepbrother and sisters
ex-boyfriend so we wasn't particularly close, although we had contact
many times over the years. Whenever he stopped in I rushed out to
chat with him, but he never knew how much I liked or respected him.
Tell him he can change his life with help from others.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
support my family.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my sister told me that somehow he knew he wasn't going to have a
natural death. And how he had a wierd fascination with dying and
the communities reaction and things. She told me he may have liked
the way he went.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
?? Nothing comes to mind.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
other young people die close to my community, when I hear certain
songs on the radio, when I think how much he would love to be in
the outdoors now...and how he may be looking down on us from a
better place.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would still be his friend and step sister, but have a closer
relationship. I would offer to hang out and do things to let him
know I cared, and that he didn't have to live as he was.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he was taken from us because his girlfriend felt he should die.
How could she take away someone's child when she had children of
her own? Not fair that he was so young and handsome.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to his murderer. Understand the things that lead to his
death. talk to him again, take the pain away from his mother and
brother.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. I realized it was never going to go away, and that the
family would be dealing forever.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
appreciation.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a very little. Neither my family nor I attend church.
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
a bit of confusion.
--Regarding MONEY:
the victim had many unpaid debts and behind loans. Much time has
been spent trying to pay off peole without losing his land or home.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that it was short, wasn't a great service, but that I had a chance to
cry in a good situation, had a chance to come together to mourn our
loss of such a great person, and having the experience to console
those who needed it.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
not knowing the exact circumstances of his death. I wanted to know
where he died, where he was shot, what did he look like after being
shot, what did his girlfriend (murderer) do after shooting him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the tension that builds in a family situation before it happens.
Before he was murdered, we knew that he may have another girl friend
and that him and his girlfriend were acting wierd. He came to our
house with a bleeding face from being hit possibly, his girlfriend
(murderer) talked to my stepmom the day before she shot him and
said she was carrying a gun and things.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
there was no known experience of this sort.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My relationship with the person was fine. I wish that I had spent
more time with him, and talked to him more about how we felt about
him and how things in his life were. The only things that are
unresolved would be things I would say to him, so now I will just
continue to think about them.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would let him know that we all loved him. I would apologize for
the way he had to die. I would expect him to accept his fate.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My boyfriends sister died in 1993 from being hit by a car. His
mother reports that she sometimes comes to visit her. She reports
that she can smell an odor when she comes, and the room becomes cold.
She talks to her about the family.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would want the family to know what I wanted, and expect them to
follow my wishes. I want them to know that I wish to be an organ
donor if the chance is there, and that I do not want to be kept on
life support to wait for a chance I could come back, I don't want
to be creamated...I would want others to move on with their lives.
I think issues that have importance are in cases of older or disabled
persons who do not wish to be helped from dying. I think assisted
suicide should be a possibility for those with terminal illnesses.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not scared of being dead, but the was of dying itself. I am
scared of the suffering and being scared at the time of death.
If I knew that I was going to die, I would spend time with friends
and family and tell that that it is okay.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I put up a picture with a poem that was read at his funeral and a
message that his mother wrote to him after his death on his birthday.
I try to look at that everday and take a moment to think about him.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I don't think I have any new frienships but I feel a closer
relationship to my family and family friends.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I had a small role in helping with family chores during the time,
and being there for others to talk to and things.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think the questionnaire was interesting. I am a college
student, who took a death and dying class 2 years ago and found
this questionaire to be a longer version of some questions our
professor has us answer.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I think you should ask about the topic of assisted suicide and the
family's process with this.
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Wed Dec 20 07:26:25 2000
F23 in Chicago, Illinois =United States Of America=
Name: Toni
Email: <Demure318=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: College Graduate, Insurance Sales
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 84.
--Details:
Well, my sister was over visiting with my grandma. My grandma
complained of a pain in her shoulder and it was assumed that
it was more of her arthritis pain. The pain became more intense
and my sister noticed that my grandma looked very uncomfortable.
A few moments later, my grandma passed out. My sister called the
ambulance and they took her to the hospital. After calling the
ambulance, my sister called me. I rushed to the hospital to be by
her side. Doctors put an angioplasty ballon in one of her three
blocked arteries, but the surgery was unsuccessful. She was then
transported to another hospital to have surgery done to attempt to
reopen the arteries. The surgery lasted 4 hours (from 11pm-3am)
and both her daughters and all of grandchildren were there waiting.
She is extremely loved. The surgeon came out and told us that
they were able to balloon only one of the three blocked arteries.
She would stay in intensive care for observation. He also asked
us how long she was diabetic. According to her primary care
physician, she was not diabetic. The surgeon informed us that she
was and had been for nearly 7 years. The diabetes aided her heart
disease and the deterioriation of the arteries. Upon reflecting
on his statements, the family concluded his statements could have
been valid. My grandfather, who had passed away 6 1/2 years prior
to my grandma's passing, was diabetic. While he was alive, they
both ate a diabetic diet, which may have supressed her diagnosis.
After his passing, she ate a lower sodium diet, but one with much
more non-diabetic qualities than before. She stayed alive on
life support for 17 hours after the completion of the surgery.
Doctors informed my mother and aunt that she was in severe pain
and her body was rejecting the angioplasty. It was at that time
my mother and aunt decided to disconnect life support and reduce
my grandma's suffering. She passed at 5:41 pm that evening and I
held her hand from the moment we were able to see her to the second
she passed away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the loss of something you are simply used to having around. In some
instances, it is seen as natural; part of ...a process of things.
In other situations, when that life is close to yours and plays a
significant role in your existence, the loss can be tragic in every
possible way imaginable.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
...ran. I ran until someone stopped me from running. Then,
I cried for what seemed days.
--That first time, how it happened was
My sister's father passed away. I was very close to him, as he
was like a father to me. His death was unexpected and its cause
was unknown. He was older and relatively ill, so if he killed
himself, it was due to his illnesses.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
...how shattered my world was. Everyone was upset because it was
not expected, but my grandma was my world and losing her made it
seem like my world had ended.
--What I think my (United States Of America) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I can't answer this question fairly because I never really attended
to how my culture deals with death. All I know is that the process
is very traditional and ritualistic. I never dealt with the human
emotions part of it and, from what I know now, that is the most
difficult part.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
... that the suffering that was endured by the person in their life
had now come to an end. I am not grateful for the loss of loved
ones died unexpectedly.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
...family and my faith.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
...losing such a significant part of my life. Those people were
always there, and I took for granted their presence in my life.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
... NEVER say, "I know how you feel" because you do not. You may
have experienced death, but you never really process it the same
as everyone else.
--[My Step-parent's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
... provide compassion and empathy for others who have lost loved
ones.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The following week after the death. It is difficult dealing with
the fact that the person who has passed simply is no longer present.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
... it was at the little things that the lost person did during
their life that made me smile at who they were. The good moments
made me smile.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
do something that would result in the loss not happening. I'm not
superhuman, but that is what I wish I had the opportunity to do.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I really can't answer that one.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
... I guess I really never think I'm over it all. I never feel
at peace with the losses that have been close to me. I'm still
struggling with the issue of death.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think that if those people who's opinion of my I respected
were still living, I would not have engaged in so many regretful
activities that I have since they passed on.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
...that the person I need most in my life to be around me and teach
me had to leave when I needed them most." I get mad at God a lot
regarding this issue.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
...be with them again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
...begin to think about my grandma's death. It always takes me
back to the worst parts of that loss and other significant losses
respectively.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
...doctors aren't gods. They're human mechanics. They see something
wrong and deal with it as their education and experience lend them.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I just wish that they didn't have to suffer.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I never participated in organized religion. It has played a role
in these losses because those who have passed belonged to organized
religion. The ritualism of it all helped pass the time more quickly.
That is all I can say about that.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am a Christian.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
You lose something, something you never thought would leave you.
It is that loss. Everyone knows that feeling.
--Regarding MONEY:
no role whatsoever.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
...it was a time when we saw people we usually only saw at weddings
and funerals. It was rather sad.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
... when a loved one starts talking about another deceased person
more often than usual. You can tell that they're giving up when
their usual activities alter rapidly.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I'm still dealing with it. I couldn't define a process.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I really never had any unresolved issues with them. I tend to be
very close to the people I love. Especially those I've lost... they
know me. The real me. There were no hidden issues batween us.
Whenever we had a problem, we always dealt with it then and there
so that there were no unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd probably be really upset. I'd do the yelling thing and ask
why I was left to fend for myself. Then, I'd hope they had some
soothing advice for me that would help me cope with life and death.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I realized that the wishes of the dying really don't matter too much.
It's the people left here to watch the dying suffer who really make
that decision, regardless of the dying person's desires. It's a
difficult decision and the only thing I can say is that you have
to deal with it when the situation arises.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I do not fear death. I know that when I die, I will see the face of
God and those loved ones I have lost. I will be able to look down
and interact spiritually with those here on earth. Everyone thinks
I'm weird like that, because I don't fear dying and want to see
the face of God, but that's okay with me. I don't mind :)
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I go to the cemetary often. Most of the time, I don't go to
pay my respects or anything like that. I usually go there to
yell at my grandma and grandpa for leaving me here on earth all
alone... without them. I did that a lot in the beginning, when
they had first passed. I don't so that so much anymore.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Well, I learned that I have to stop blaming my passed relatives for
what happend to me. I've learned to take more responsibility for my
own actions. I've also learned to take on their values more often
than I used to. Their physical presence was a representation of
their positive morals for me. Now I have to rely upon myself to
partake in that positive value system.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Not really. I experience difficulty talking about my loss with
people and nothing anyone says ever really helps to comfort me.
I believe I've become more understanding towards those who have
lost loved ones, but I never open myself up to those who want to
help me cope. I'm stubborn like that.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
I am a very strong Christian and belief in the Lord soothed most of
my pain. The fact that he was suffering due to his illnesses also
helped me cope. I told myself that death was actually a renewed
life for him.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
I was completely ignorant on the subject. I have lost pets and
such, but the loss of another human being was something I never
once considered having to confront.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Like I said before, I don't allow others to help me cope with this.
I have been there for others, and all I know from my experience that
has assisted others is simply to be there. Provide your services
and be understanding.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me reflect on how I deal with death. It's different to
write it out than to simply think about it in your head. I also
liked the fact that I just type it and no one is really "listening"
to my issues.
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Mon Dec 18 17:36:43 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo search on polls
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 8 ago.
Cause of Death: drugs; Aged: 16.
--Details:
he was a runaway. killed over meth. i checked myself into an
institution cause i felt so out of control
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
ceasing to belong where the living are present
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didnt understand
--That first time, how it happened was
my brother died when i was 8 and he was 18
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
sadness and anger at god
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
acceptance and understanding
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
knowing they are somewhere better than here
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
peoples words
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling angry with god
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
when someone told me that they were happier where they were. it
made sense
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Music
this one song played at his funeral still bothers me
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Mon Dec 18 12:42:39 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
my english teacher is on this site
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 years ago ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 60.
--Details:
it was a total surprise
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the beginning of something else that you can contact spiritually
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I knew he was dead before the phone rang
--That first time, how it happened was
my grandfather died in 1997 in the middle of august. I did not
accept his death. I still don't accept it and I am trying to escape
from bad thoughts. This year, in school, we have to realize a
project for the TPE(personnal work in french) and the subject in
"the line between the living and the dead". I hope i'll find the
answers I need to go on and live happily.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was the only one in the church who was not crying
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it really hurts and people need to be careful with young kids when
it happens. I know a little boy who asked to play with "the big
man" in the stairs at my grandma's, the problem is that there was
no man in the house!!!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my best friend's understanding
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my passion for horses, it was the only thing i could do wich didn't
make me think about that 25th day of august 1997. But now, i can't
ride anymore, my back is too weak.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
i couldn't help i was too young and i barely understood what was
happening.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't tell that person he or she will not die, that is the stupidest
thing you could say to a dying person
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
???
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the hour before he died, i really thought he would survive and stay
by my side all my life, just like the father he was to me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i don't regret it at all.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see him more often
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
go on
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
an old friend of mine came to the funeral, during the death process,
i was alone.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
???
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i start thinking about what can happen to my boyfriend of 2 years,
my grandmother, my mother, even my cats, i am always horrified,
i would prefer to stop thinking about it but death is a part of life
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
laughed, i couldn't believe it happened to me, then i cried
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
the concept of satanism helped me out by its selfishness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
my mother
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Sat Dec 16 19:58:57 2000
F22 in Calgary, Alberta =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: paramedic
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Self (impending), yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 22.
--Details:
I injected myself with hunalin and went into a hypogycemic seizure
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an chance to go beyond what we know. It is a chance to escape for
good to a possible better place. Our soul leaves our bosy to combune
eith other souls
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to remeber it all
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandma died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how I would be remebered
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
what exactly happens
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
having the right to choose
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being in control
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
picturing others dead
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
This may be the last time you can say I love you
--[My Self (impending)'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
feeland who I truely am
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
what really happens. Is there a heaven?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughing is just a way to deal woth what you are feeling
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
show others how much I loved them
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
finally be myself
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people got up to talk about the good times not the bad times or
why it happened
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
it all mattered
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
these people wanted live but me?????
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
cahnge places with that person
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became content. Proud to do what I was I was doing
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I am part of that medical community. And it has its good points
and bad
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that that person had a spot in heaven waiting for them
--Religious Affiliation:
non going catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
All religions beleive in one thing. That there is a higher being
or more
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
you become at peace because you finally accept the inevitable. You
look at the possitive. You realize there is no other choice
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Sat Dec 16 16:38:28 2000
F43 in Omaha, NE =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Researching websites dealing with Hospice Care
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Mourning Song, Embraced By The Light, Talking to Heaven, How
to Survive the Loss of a Love
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Joyce Landorf, Betty J. Eadie, James Van Praagh, Melba Colgrove,
Ph.D., (Harold H. Bloomfield, MD, & Peter McWilliams)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 2 1/2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide/alcoholism; Aged: 44.
--Details:
He took his life by carbon dioxide poisoning. He was on a downward
spiral caused by alcoholism.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the most permanent of all of life's possible events. Death is
inescapable and inevitable. It is not to be feared, but accepted.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young and didn't really understand the ramifications of it.
However, after you lose someone very close to you, you develop a
whole new understanding of death. In one way or another one must
come to terms with death.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...as I recall, it was the death of an uncle
of mine. The only bad thing about it was the my brother tried to
get me to "touch" the body and I was afraid to. I did not touch him.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fact that I could see it coming and wanted other family members
to help me to try to prevent it. I believe they were in denial about
the possibility and chose to act as though my brother just needed
to make a decision to get better and get on with life. I knew it
certainly had gone beyond the point of simply making a decision to
"get better." He needed help desperately. I was horrified to hear
that he was GONE!
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death had to be faced...it is always a possibility and forever
an inevitability. People should not be afraid to discuss death
as a taboo subject, I believe it to be very much a part of living
and growing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
In the death of my mom, I believe my mom and God gave me 1 1/2
years to prepare myself for it for which I am eternally grateful
and as far as my brother, perhaps it has helped to spawn me towards
getting my degree and pursuing a career that deals with death.
I know that it is a subject that needs understanding and requires
human resources with compassionate natures, such as myself.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
At the time of both of the closely related deaths I believe it was
my indulgence in reading for understanding and also the support of
co-workers in both instances.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being there to help him (my brother) when I felt that I
could have. I lived in another state and did not have the proper
encouragement to travel to him when I thought that it was needed.
I have been told that I probably would have only 'postponed'
the inevitable!
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Offer whatever help you can and allow the person to discuss
his/her innermost feelings about where he/she is at emotionally
and spiritually.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
believe that I can be of assistance to those who are not as
resourceful as I was in being faced with death. My mom used to
tell me that if I ever "got paid for all that I did for her, that
I would be a rich woman."
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
With my mom, basically she had decided she was ready to die and so
I was ready to let her go, but I always wondered if my acceptance
expedited her death. And as far as my brother, I never understood
why he didn't actively continue to try to facilitate his own
recovery. When he was in detox at one point, he was so good for
others...he was a great counselor for his peers. Why didn't he do
something with that ability? He just let it all go down the drain,
he gave up and lost all hope.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Simply speaking, God does help us cope in such times!!!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish that I had returned to our home state to visit him and try
to help him the weekend before he took his life as I thought that
I should have done. Family members discouraged me saying there
wasn't anything I could do.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
eventually come to terms with my brother's death and how it has
propelled me on to do something with my life wherein I might be
helpful to others in similar situations.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the decision was made to cremate my brother...I wasn't sure I
could deal with that idea. It was the book "Talking to Heaven"
that helped me come to terms with that given the fact that my
brother had committed suicide.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
who was going to pay for funeral expenses. I didn't question that
we as family would do whatever we had to do and it was I who proposed
that idea.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about all of the things he will be missing in life as a
result of cutting his life short. For instance, he now would be the
proud grandfather of a baby girl that he will never know, how sad!
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I wish I would have had the opportunity to help him get the
help/treatment he needed and have been instrumental to him finding
so many better alternatives to life than what he had chosen.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he didn't have the strength to save himself.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I simply get more determined to help others.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was a little angry that other family members didn't "so-to-speak"
heed my warning that we as family needed to get involved and have
my brother committed or something.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
My brother was let down...he was discharged from a rehab facility
because they found him to be drinking again. When he needed them
most, they essentially told him he was hopeless, causing him to
lose all hope for himself.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice was involved during the process of my mother's death.
I felt it was as close to heaven as one could get on this earth and
in this life!!! That is why I am so supportive and interested in
Hospice Care.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Organized religion 'per se' had nothing to do with the process
necessarily, it was my intense spirituality and my mother's faith
that got me through all of it, her death and my brother's.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am attending a non-denominational church that focuses on "seekers
of truth."
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I believe that the spirit that inhabits each of our fleshly bodies
cannot simply just become nothing...there must be a higher spiritual
life. A spirit such as my mom's could never just cease to be.
--Regarding MONEY:
It was an issue that I got quite mad about and insisted that we as
family pay for my brother's funeral rather than his wife having to
do so since she was in the process of divorcing him anyway.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The hard feelings that were evident and the way that people dealt
with those feelings of bitterness and anger.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
When I view a body of a deceased loved one, it doesn't have a great
effect on me because to me the person is no longer in that body.
The spirit has moved on and is with us elsewhere.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
N/A in my brother's death. As far as my mom's death, the facility
actually gave me a list of signs and symptoms of impending death
upon my asking for something like that. It was very helpful and
comforting.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Don't try to force feelings, just let them come, allow yourself to
be dumb, quiet, or whatever it takes.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I can't say that I was aware of this phenomena...I just know my
mother was one in the same with Jesus upon her death. She said
the same words as He did upon his death on the cross-"thirsty" and
"finished".
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
At one point in my brother's life, when he was probably around 20
yrs. old, he had tried to take his own life by stabbing himself.
He spoke of a near-death experience wherein he did see a bright,
white light at the end of a tunnel. I don't recall any other facts.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I would love the opportunity to visit with a medium to see if
contact with my loved ones is possible without the medium having
nay knowledge of any of the facts. I think that would be absolutely
awesome.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would love to know that they felt that I did everything that I
could and that they were pleased with me and to know that they
were at peace where they are. I also would love to have their
encouragement of my pursuits.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
It hasn't, but I wish it would!!!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Most importantly is the fact that I believe that anyone who is near
and dear to the deceased should be welcomed at any type of memorial
or funeral. It should not be just the desires of the living.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I believe I am at peace with my own mortality and will trust God
to see me through this life in His own time. I would make all of
my loved ones perfectly aware, once again, of my undying love.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
In the case of my mom's death, I took all of her small belongings
such as drivers license, etc. and created a scrapbook of her things.
It really helped me to accept her death much easier.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have come to believe that we truly are not in control...there is
a Higher Power (God for me) that is in control and so really, there
is no reason to worry or get too excited about anything in life.
We just all need to do what we can and trust that all will work
out. (Let Go and Let God!)
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I just feel very close to my husband although he wasn't my husband
at the time of my mom's death. But he was my husband at the time
of my brother's death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
In this case the death itself wasn't so alarming...it was very
distant from me basically.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
I guess for the most part I was afraid of death until the death of
my mom when I was 34 yrs. old.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I am working on that...I would like to be a facilitator of sorts
in a Hospice Program.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It is extensive and interesting to complete. I would love to know
of what becomes of all of this and what its use might eventually be.
I hope that my answers are of benefit in some way to someone.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I was fine with the questions. As I recall, there might be some
grammatical errors, but then I'm a perfectionist. I would like to
receive an email telling me more about what BARDO is, please!
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Sat Dec 16 00:50:01 2000
M23 in Coral Springs, FL =USA=
Name: David
Email: <SflTrainer=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
looking for the "10 commandments" to reflect on other areas of my
life (since having a very very bad day).
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Prof/Studies: Personal Trainer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
--Details:
thats very hard to say. i've experienced many different types of
death. from witnessing strokes that lead to death. litterally coming
home from school and then finding out my great aunt who lived with
us and seemed sick (yet still ok)died. my baseball coach having a
massive heart attack and dying on the field at practice while myself
and his son tried to give him CPR. and even my older baseball coach
who looked after me as a son, and who i looked up too in wonderment
of his knowledge, his age and health failed him. but i have to say
every death i've experienced is very different on how they happened,
but each time you can only take memories with you. and i would
even say i feel guilty not listing the other family members and
friends of mine that died as being extremely important to me.
i've learned from each death i've experienced.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the completion of our physical life here on earth. and most of
the time it's a very sad loss for others who are involved and know
the deceased. yet, no one knows what exactly happens after we die,
or where we go, if anywhere.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very sad. not exactly sure how to react or what to do. i had
a feeling of loss and emptyness inside of me.
--That first time, how it happened was
i believe it was our dog dying while i was a young child. i didn't
particually care for the dog, nor did it me for i was born after he
was there. but i still felt much grievence and loss. as far as
a person, many people died while i was young. first was my great
uncle when i was around 3. then followed my friends father when
i was about 6. then my great aunt and grandfather over the next
couple years. basically i knew someone who died every other year.
wheather they had strokes in front of me as a child or massive heart
attacks when i was 14. i would say someone i know dies about every
other year.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
most recently was my 74 year old baseball coach. he had a profound
impact on many people's lives. he was very well respected and
loved for the person he was. he truly wanted to see the best
for all the kids he helped over the years. the thing i remember
the most about him is the glimmer in his eye through his glasses,
and smile on his face when he looked at me. then how everyone was
crying at his funeral with hundreds of people there to say goodbye
to him. even now thinking about him i cry. for he was pure spirit
and good will towards others.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
there are natural deaths which should be accepted and delt with
good memories. but there are also terrible deaths where lives
are cut short by accidents or from others. those are the people
to feel sorry for. the ones who dont get to live a full life,
and then is cut down in pain and suffering.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i have had many near-death experiences. each time i thank God that
i am still alive and get to see my family and no matter what i've
done, they always love me and are there to help me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing that i am not alone in feeling the pain and loss of another.
that there are other people who feel the same as i, and what i feel
is natural. learning to accept the loss of a loved one, yet go on
remembering them and cherishing the time you did have with them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
watching them suffer while still alive. the fact that they, and
everyone else knows they will die soon and there is nothing that
can be done to change that.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listening to their stories and their experiences though life.
finding out what they loved to do and what made them happy.
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
again, i've experienced many deaths and each one is important.
basically being a good person to them before they are dying...then
you know also that you're actions are true, and you're not doing
it to take pity on them.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talked to them more and had more experiences to share together.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
let them know that i really did love and care about them.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i can still feel the deep sense of loss. when i still want to be
around the person and make us both smile together.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
many choices i've made would've changed, and i wouldn't be where
i am today. where would i be? i have no idea...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that there never is a good time for dying in someones life.
either things are going great for you, and the loss brings you
down. or things are going badly, and the loss just piles more pain
on top of you. and always the person who is dying still wants to
live, and is very sad if they have any regrets.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stop the pain and emptyness from loss.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
tried to understand they went to a better place. especially better
then when they were here.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
if it is able to keep them alive somewhat longer, at least it gives
everyone a chance to say goodbye and express their love while the
person is still alive.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i believe in God and the basic principles of religion, but i do
not go to a chruch.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i believe that that is true also. but i guess we won't know until
we get there ourselves, will we?
--Regarding MONEY:
not terribly important. you need money to live, not to die.
money is an unfortunate necessaty in life. if you dont have it,
you can do anything and experience life. you wouldnt be able
to fill up you gas tank and go to work if you didnt have money.
no trips or sporting events without money. you can have a "family"
without money, but how are you going to feed them? you need money
to experience life. when we die, we all lay in the same ground.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
learing to accept that your time to die, can come at anytime.
are you ready for it? are you able to say you've lived a good life,
as in are you satisfied with how you've lived up until now? and
could die right now reading this and have no regrets? going in
peace with yourself and your mind?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
who truly wants to know that they are dying? so they can do things
that they've been affraid of doing? is that a legitimate reason or
an excuse?...or do you want to know that someone else is dying, so
then you can spend more time with them and not feel guilty later on?
how you live your life isn't going to change. only you know your
true feelings. and if they are different then what you're doing,
why is that?
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
grieving is natural...but can you be satisfied on how you treated
that person? obviously no one has enough time for everyone.
but did you spend you time wisely and effeciently with that person.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i believe that to be true.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i have had a few near-death experiences. basically i feel that
God's gift to us is our lives that we have. the ablity to move
your fingers and type, or move your eyes and read, without having
to think about it. he let us down here to experience things.
they may include pain and loss. but how would you know what joy
is if you never felt sadness? true, this may not be paradise for
almost every single person down here, for some it is more like a
hell. but these are unfortunate stuggles that we must go through in
order to appreciate when we're allowed into his heaven. when we are
constantly surrounded by good things and loving people. then we will
be able to know what we are feeling without taking it for granted.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
there really is nothing to do...if those issues where as important,
they should've been done sooner. now you have to live with the
consiquenses of your actions, or lack there of.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
im sure they hear us when we're talking normallly, so i would direct
my comments to them as if they were sitting accross from me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i have experienced this also. yet i choose to keep this private.
when i speak of them, it seems as if the memory fades from me.
when i remember in my mind, the vision stays fresh with me.
i perfer to keep these truly special experiences with me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
not sure...if i understand this correctly, its that the person
gets to basically make one more wish and try to fullfil it. well,
since life is about experiences, i'm all for that. that is why we
are here, to experience different things and feelings.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i would like to say i've tried to live a good life, and do the best
with what i was given. i am willing to die whenever the time is
chosen for me. just hopefully i can stay around longer to see my
nieces grow up and hopefully one day children of my own.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
crying helped. it gets a lot of pain out...yet good memories seem
to serve best.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
thats hard to say. im sure over all the years and deaths ive
experienced, these have just become a part of me and who i am.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
realizing that dying is a part of life. it will always happen,
just try to live a good life and memories for others
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
maybe sadness of losing someone who you care about, missing them
being around.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
basically to talk about the person who passed. sharing memories
and experiences that we had. remembering the good qualities about
the person.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was somewhat helpful...i've spent a lot of time contemplating
this subject since it's effected me so much over my life. so my
views won't change much, because they are the best that i could
come up with throughout the dying process.
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Fri Dec 15 08:23:13 2000
F53 in Stamford, CT =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Social Worker
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
American Way of death
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Jessica Mitford
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 20 ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 71.
--Details:
Sudden death. Had been in perfect health.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of the physical body and perhaps the beginning of a different
type of exsistence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was very little and couldn,t understand where he had gone.
--That first time, how it happened was
I found my great Uncle dead in his bed. I was three years old and
at first thought he was sleeping.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My Mother was gone and even though I was 53 with a husband and
grown children, I felt like an orphan.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is a part of life and that we do not have to spend large sums
of money on funerals to show our love for the person who has died.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I have the most wonderful memories of my parents and the love and
wisdom they gave to me and my children.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Dealing with it on my own.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The knowlege that I would not see them again or be able to hear
their voice. Watching the person deteriorate.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To not be afraid of touching them and holding them and telling them
you love them. Let them know it is alright to go and that you will
be fine.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
He had a stroke and was paralyzed and in a coma. If he had lived
he would have had a low quality of life. I realized that wishing
him to live was only selfishness on my part as he would not have
wanted to live with no quality of life. He passed away and I was
upset but relieved for him that he would not have to suffer.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My Mother in law passed away from cancer and after she was pronounced
dead she still had slight movement. That was unnervng until it was
explained that it was only muscle spasms.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
even in the worst of times, somehow our minds give us realise in
the form of laughter. Perhaps it is only nervousness but for what
ever reason it still gives us a moment of perhaps happiness.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hear my father sing to me and hold me for just a few more moments.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Tell my Mother how much she had meant to me. She was not conscious
but when I spoke to her she would squeeze my hand and if I put my
face next to hers she woud kiss me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my father died his face immediately looked stress free and younger
again.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The type of funeral. I loved my parents in life and they knew
it. They did not want funerals and I felt the same way.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a tenor sing a song that my father use to sing
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Very similar. But I would spend more time talking to my parents and
friends and listening proudly to my father. I would get to know my
aunts and uncles better.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when I lost three friends when they were in their early 40's.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
No answer.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
hoped that there was something after death and that he/she was with
their family and friends that had gone before.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
satisfaction that everything known to medicine today had been done.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I am not religious.
--Religious Affiliation:
protastant.
--Regarding MONEY:
The doctor's bills and convalescent home took all of my Mother's
money. My husband and I paid for any additional needs she had.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was a simple cremation with only immediate family and a few close
friends. It was simple and tasteful as was my Mother. Nothing garish
to show how much we loved her. She knew that.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
After my father's death he appeared to me once in the morning. I
was not frightened and wished he would come back. I think he came
to say goodbye as he had not had the chance at the time of his death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Change in mental status. Change in breathing and heart rate. Refusal
to take in liquids or food.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I do not know where we go after we die but I have had experiences
in life that make me believe there is something after death.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
A firend was in a car crash. She ost all vital signs in the
ambulance and was technically dead for a few minutes. Later she
had total memory of everything that happened in the ambulance and
could recognize the attendants etc. even though they said she was
dead until she was brought into the emergency room.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel that I do not have unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Just once again being able to touch and hold them and hear them
say they loved me and to tell them how much I loved them and what
a sterling life they had lived.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
After my fathers death I as sitting on a bed in my parents home. It
was in the morning and a bright sunny day. I was sorting papers of
my fathers. I looked up to see him standing in the doorway smiling
at me. He looked much younger than his 71 years and was dressed in
pants and a shirt I had never seen. I went to go toward him and he
continued to smile and just faded away.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have a living will and my husband and children know my wishes. I
am also an organ donor.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope it is quick and without alot of suffering. I do not believe
in prolonging a life without quality. i would like to live to
see grandchildren etc. but if that is not my future, I hope I go
with diginty and quickly so my family does not have to watch me
deteriorate and have to remember me that way.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I organized the photos of my parents and put thwm in albums alongwith
their love letters etc.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
My belief that there is something after death has increased and that
is a reasuring feeling as I feel that my loved ones are somewhere
else and perhaps someday I will have the opportunity to see them
again.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It reinforced my feelings about the right for people to die with
dignity. It also again made me remember my parents an the friends
that have died and hope they are somewhere else.
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Thu Dec 14 05:28:00 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suisied; Aged: 17.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Still has not
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
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Wed Dec 13 14:58:44 2000
F15 in Southern Illinois, IL ==
Name: Ravyn
Email: <CruelFaery=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, about 16 ago.
Cause of Death: I think a tractor...; Aged: probably 20s.
--Details:
I'm not sure how his death happened, or anything, b/c he died before
I was born and nobody ever talks about him. His death is significant
to me, b/c I believe he is my guardian angel. And even if he isn't,
I'm happy believing that...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
final.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't deal with it the way I should have.
--That first time, how it happened was
My cousin was murdered.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
thinking it shouldn't have happened to someone so young.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that even though it's final, you still have that person with you.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
when my cousin died, I wrote him a letter and a poem. He never
got it, of course, but writing helped me deal with his death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
writing.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing I would never see them again. Only in my dreams.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dealt with it. The pain never goes away, but you can learn to get
a little better every day.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the casket was being brought out. That was the first time I cried.
It never hit me till then.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know the people I lost better.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
write it all down. How I was feeling really shows in my writing.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I probably wouldn't be as happy. I'm not saying I'm glad my Uncle
died, but believing he's watching over me has helped me get through
really rough points in my life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
kill myself.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
pretended I could talk to him if I lifted my cover over my head
and imagined his face on it.
--Religious Affiliation:
I used to be a Baptist Xian, but now I am a Witch.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
mentally strong people breaking down and crying.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I've never seen anything personally, that I know of, but when I
need help I always pray and I feel a comfort.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I'm meant to die at any moment, I will. I don't dwell on it, b/c
if it's meant to happen, it will, regardless of what I do to stop it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I write and pray.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Wed Dec 13 13:41:10 2000
F45 in Havana, FL =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Found during a search of Tibetan Buddhism
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Prof/Studies: Staff Assistant and Student, Internet Technologies
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Tibetan Book of the Dead: The Great Liberation Through Hearing
in the Bardo
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Translated by Francesca Fremantle & Chogyam Trungpa
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: breast cancer; Aged: 60.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of one chapter and the beginning of the next.
--That first time, how it happened was
I was present at the hospital deathbed of my first husband's
grandfather the moment he died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Anger and fear
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is important to study and concentrate on the impermance
of life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My Mother's death from breast cancer prompted me (even though
I wasn't 40 yet) to have a mammogram. The mammogram led to the
early discovery of breast cancer in me, and the early detection of
it saved my life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Meditation
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The anger that she did not seek medical attention until it was too
late, and that she didn't share with me the fact that she was sick
until just before she died.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To just be there. In my Mother's case, she just wanted everything to
be normal, so we would watch TV or read or just talk about nonsense
things. She did not want to talk about death or regrets or pain;
the things that I wanted to discuss. It was hard for me not to ask
her, Why? Why didn't you get help? Why didn't you tell someone?
Why did you think God would heal you (she was a Christian Scientist)?
--[My Self (impending)'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
When a person lives through a life-threatening disease (I'm cancer
free 4 years), that person cannot see things the same as before,
before when that person thought that Death is something that happens
to others. Life becomes so much more important when you know any
moment could be your last.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Teach my Mother about the Dharma so that she may have had a chance
at Liberation.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be with her for the last two weeks of her life (She was living
Kansas, I'm in Florida).
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Attending her funeral. I made the decision to stay with Mother in
the weeks before her death, and as a result, was not financially
able to attend her funeral. My family is still mad at me about it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I wonder where she is. Who or what was she reborn as. Does she
remember anything about us. Does she exist still.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That my little brother (6 years old at the time)had to lose his
mother when he was so young. It was so tramatic for him, he
completly blocked it out.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Know for sure where she is and that she's ok.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Great sympathy and compassion.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
No hospice contact. Mother didn't seek medical help until the
cancer had already migrated to her brain. No treatment was given,
it was too late.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I was really angry at her church (Christian Science) for encouraging
her not to seek medical advice but to cure herself through prayer.
--Religious Affiliation:
buddhism and wicca
--Regarding MONEY:
My step father did not honor her last will and testament. None of
the items (mostly family heirlooms) Mother wanted her children to
have were turned over to us.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I found that I began to talk to her after she died. I know she
can't hear me, but for some reason it makes me feel better.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Expect the unexpected.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I've learned to let go of the anger.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
No visitations. I knew Mother had moved on and that we would not
be hearing from her.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
As a cancer survivor, I've thought extensively about my own demise.
I experienced a great deal of fear at the thought of dying, of the
not knowing what will happen. Will I be alone? Will I even be?
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Meditation. Don't cling onto anything. Don't grasp. Let it go.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Meditation
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Tue Dec 12 11:53:24 2000
F34 in Albany, Louisiana =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I am a student advisor at a middle school. I work with a group
of students who are dealing with the death of a loved one. I was
searching for some helpful websites for them to explore.
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Prof/Studies: Student Advisor
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible was an inspiration to me during my grieving.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4yrs. ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 81.
--Details:
My grandfather had been extremely healthy all of his life. After his
only sister died the previous year he seemed very depressed and did
not appear to feel well. He looked like he felt bad. He began to
talk, not complain of a pain in his side and I thought his color
looked wrong, just too pale or yellow in tint. He finally went to
the doctor, they discoverd a tumor in the center of his liver, it
was inoperable. The doctors told him with chemotherapy he had a 20%
chance of recovery. He decided to take the medication. I personally
feel that the treatments are what killed him so quickly. I feel
if he had not taken the chemo, we might have had 1-2 more years
with him. Maybe we could have given him medicine to keep him pain
free and we couldv'e had time to come to terms with the goodbye.
But he became so sick, so fast we could do nothing but take care
of his physical problems, not say goodbye properly.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of life here on Earth. The time at which we stop living
here with our loved ones. Our spirit moves on. To the other side
of our existence. Death is so final.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was very scared. Felt so helpless. My grandfather did not want
to die in the hospital. We brought him home and hospice helped us
take care of him. But nothing can prepare you to deal with being
totally involved in a loved ones death.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandfather was diagnosed with terminal
liver cancer in April of 1996 and two months later he was gone.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The total finality of death. Coming to terms with the cold hard
fact that we would never be able to talk to grandad again and how
much we would miss him.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is not an embarrassment. That everyone must face it.
People try to avoid talking about it and they feel sorry for those
experiencing it. People find it hard to look into the eyes of
someone who is going through this process. Not just the person who
is dying, but also the family. This can make the family feel like
they have done something wrong or are strange or alone.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Even though I was petrified, I would not trade being able to hold
my grandfathers hand and tell him that we all loved him as he died
for anything in the world. At first I resented the fact that I
was there, but as time has gone on I realize I was blessed to have
been there.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The hospice lady that came into my grandad's home. She was like an
angel to us. We still love her and feel as if she is part of the
family. I found I could not rely on family at the time of his death.
Everyone was either so upset and distraught, or they were withdrawn.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
As I said earlier, just the finality. The understanding that I
could never communicate with grandad on this earth again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just reassuring them that they are loved, important, not forgotten,
remembered is what they need. Giving them permission to rest seemed
important to my grandad, he was fighting so hard. It seems after
he was told to rest, we were all with him that he finally rested
and not 30 min. later he was gone from us.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Was alot stronger than I thought I was. I was so nervous and
scared but I knew I had to be strong for my dad. He was so scared,
and I've rarely ever seen my dad scared. When I sensed his fear,
I found the strenght to stay and help.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
We found out there was nothing the doctors could do for him.
I could not understand with all the advances in medical technical
there was nothing that could be done. I was also confused as to
why the treatment made him so sick.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I have to say that never did happen to me. The only urge I had
during this time was to cry, or run away, fly away make it go away
(the disease). I never did have that urge to Laugh. I never felt
like laughing.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Allow my children to have spent more time during the last few
days with my grandfather. The one thing I could not deal with was
seeing him cry. Everytime he saw one of his great grandchildren
during the last few days of his life he just started to cry and cry.
This I could not handle, so we didn't bring the kids in very much
and I regret this so much.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there at the end. I had envisioned some horrible ending for him
when actually it was quite peaceful. With the help of the hospice
nurse and pain medication he simply stopped breathing.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I watched my dad helping my grandad eat. That was so touching and
although I so totally try not to think about my own dad being in
that condition, I will do the same for him.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The fact that he wasn't in the hospital to die. That really
scared alot of people. I feel like alot of family, extended
that is wouldv'e visited more if he had been in the hospital.
Hardly anyone came to his house to visit during the last few days.
Everyone showed up after he died, the same morning. This kind
of rubbed me the wrong way, he would've like to have seen them,
but they were too scared to come see him. I understand now though.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Some milestone in the lives of my children occurs and I think about
how much he loved them and how much he would like to see them doing
things, growing up. I really think that is what his tears were for,
all the things he would not see them doing. But maybe he does
see them. I also feel like crying when I think of my children
forgetting him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would definitley visit him more often and see to it that my
children see him on a daily basis. I would try to get him out more
and take him with us to every ballgame, school play or party, etc.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That my children did not have more time with him.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
It doesn't get that difficult anymore for me. The pain is not a
crippling one like it was. The pain I feel foday is more of a sad
type of remembrance. Kind of bittersweet. I just wish I could tell
him how much I still love him and always will and how I won't let
my children forget him. I think this all the time and I know he
can hear me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Was able to deal with it. I thought I would lose it. I've always
heard how someone who loses a loved one gets a sort of peace over
them to help them, that is so true. Not that I did not cry and
cry, but I found I was actually able to handle something I thought
I could not handle.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Disappointment but understanding. I know we humans think we are
super and have all the answers. Doctors make us feel like they can
save us always. However, I have come to understand that sometimes
God has plans that not all the doctors in the world can change.
I am upset still however that with all the money poured into cancer
research, we cannot come up with a more gentle treatment for people
suffering with cancer. I really feel like the chemotherapy that
was supposed to help him killed him in the end.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I cannot speak highly enough about hospice. When the doctors were
finished with us and all given up, hospice stepped in and begin
to take care of us, all of us, not just grandad. If our hospice
nurse Ruth had not been there in the end my experience would not
have been bearable.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Everything. We prayed and we felt better. We had a hope that
God was taking care of grandad. With my grandad's last breath, my
dad told him "go on to glory", and then he died. I truly believe
"glory" is where he went and I hope to live my life in such a way
as to have the priviledge to go there one day.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am a Christian. I attend services at Albany Church of Christ.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
That is true in a sense, it doesn't matter what color your skin
is, what culture you come from, what your beliefs are, everyone is
related in death.
--Regarding MONEY:
My grandfather had worked all his life, very hard , for the pulp wood
industry. He had been extremely generous with his family, friends,
and people who worked for him. He had not lived a lavish life.
His life was simple, he lived alone for many years after my dad's
mother and he divorced when my dad was about 2 yrs old. He saved
his money and was able to cover all expenses for his death leaving
my dad his only child all of his land and his savings.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
For a long time, it was all just a big blur. I couldn't remember
anything in specific really. I just remembered a severe sadness.
However as time passed I began to be able to remember specifics
about the funeral. I remember nice things people said to me.
I also remember how nervous people get at funerals and wakes and
I could have sympathy on people who tried to console me but were
so nervous themselves they did not do a very good job. It taught
me that even though wakes and funerals are very nerve wracking I
still try to make an honest effort to make eye contact with the
family and offer my most heartfelt sympathy.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Was the feeling that the whole world was stopped, at a complete stand
still just waiting with us for what was going to happen. I didn't
go the work the entire week my grandad was the sickest and I felt
as if no one else was at work, but sitting at home waiting with me.
It was very hard to ge t back to work and into the swing of things
and to realize that the world did not stop revolving while we had
our tragedy. Even though this was difficult, it was almost a comfort
to to realize that even in death, life does go on, it can't help it.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The inablilty to eat or feed themselves, the inability to get up
anymore, loss of complete conciousness. These are things that
surprised me really. Also, the work it took for my grandfather to
breath, he just worked so hard to stay with us.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Being strong was important. Not letting my grandfather see me
weeping or losing it. You know I did lose it, but I tried to stay
strong. I am not saying that this is right for everyone, I was
a 30 yr old woman with some understanding of what was happening.
But for me trying to encourage him was important. And the idea
that my dad needed someone to stay strong for him.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Personally, we did not experience this. My grandfather did reach
that state of peace, but only after we gave him permission to rest.
It was almost as if he was waiting for us to say to him you can rest.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Nothing like this has ever happened to me or anyone I personally
know.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My issues were in order, however, I always felt bad about the fact
that my grandad lived alone for so many years. We moved near him 17
yrs. before he died and remember someone saying at the funeral that
those were the happiest years of his life, i am so glad of that.
I just want to work hard to encourage my family to stay close
together. Because family is so important, whatever type or sort
of family a person lives in. Everyone needs someone to look to
for support.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just tell him how much we all loved, love and will always
love him. I would tell him we cherish all the memories we have of
him and with him. I would reassure him that we are all fine and
that my children will not ever forget him or the impact he had on
our lives.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Yes, this has happened to me twice in my life. After the very first
death in my family, the death of my great grandmother when I was 10.
She was so sweet and special to all of us. I got to have some of
her things that I kept in a chest. When I got older I took some of
them out to use them. One of the items I had was a robe of hers,
I was amazed it still smelled like her. I had a dream that she
was with me talking to me and that I really enjoyed it. When my
grandad died, one day I went out in the field near his house and
wrote down some things I remembered about him. That night I had
a dream that he was talking to me and he told me that everything
was going to be fine and he was fine.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My grandfather had a will and he wrote a living will when he
found out he was terminally ill. This was important to him, he
specifically did not want to die in the hospital and he wrote this
down for us and the doctors.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
That is something I do no like to think about at this point in time
in my life because I have young children, however, you never know
what is in Gods plan for your future. I have become very aware of
my own mortality, I might be suddenly killed or have a disease I
am unaware of. I just try, even though I don't always do it right,
to live each day as if is is my last. As I said, i don't always do
so good, some days I am in a bad mood, depressed feeling, or sad,
but I always try to count my blessings.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
The absolute best thing I did for closure was to take a walk in his
field where he loved to be best, tending to his garden or his cows.
I had a piece of paper with me and a pencil. I just started writing
down phrases, not even complete sentences of things I remembered
and loved about him. I carried that paper with me for a year and
it really helped me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am not so afraid of death anymore, I am better able to think
about it without feeling nervous. I am better able to talk to
people who might be going through something similar.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes, there is a part of our family that we had not known very well
because when my grandmother and grandad divorced my dad was taken
away from his home town and was not raised with the rest of his
family (cousins). During the months when grandad was the sickest,
we found out that family bonds run deep even if you haven't had
the chance to personally get to know members of your family.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
I just could not come to terms with why such a good man would be
burdened with such a horrible disease. I became very angry for a
while and was looking for someone or something to blame.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I try to take what I learned with me and use it, with family people
I work with and especially students I work with who have experienced
losses even greater than mine. I only hope my loss can make me
understandable to those students.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This experience was very useful and helpful and I hope it will be
as helpful for my students.
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Tue Dec 12 05:43:43 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
by accident
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 12 ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 61.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The essence of the body (the soul) leaving the body forever.
The ceasing of electrical activity in the brain.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Didn't know what had happened.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep, of a heart attack
followed 2 years ago by his wife.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The nurses wanting me to cry and me not feeling like it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
She died with a Christian by her side, praying for her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My friends not laughing.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Accepting it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The doctors said she'd recover, and another one said she would die -
he was right.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say how much I really loved her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Keep from crying in front of all my friends.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see their house occupied by strangers.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That I never appreciated her when I was alive.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Hibernate.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Went home and binged on chocolate.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Appreciation for them.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They were wonderful people, just wrong.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian (what's an affiliation, I think I need to rewrite this
in my own language)
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I wasn't upset at the time.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
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Mon Dec 11 14:19:08 2000
F38 in Madison, Wisconsin =USA=
Name: Anna
Email: <matcanna_1999=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo has you listed in the questionnaire section.
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Prof/Studies: College English Teacher and Professional Musician
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 10 ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 21.
--Details:
We had been broken up for about a year. Our separation had arisen
because of the difference in our ages and religions. However, I
still loved him very much. He had been experiencing psychological
problems, got very drunk, took some pills, passed out and apparently
fell into a river and drowned. They didn't find his body for
three days, and at the funeral they couldn't even show the body.
I didn't believe he was really dead because I never saw the body.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Permanent separation from the physical body of a person.
Our experience of their personality and being remains within us,
but we can only "see" them in our memories. The pain comes from
never being able to encounter this person again on this earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried.
--That first time, how it happened was
My first REAL experience of death was when my ex-boyfriend committed
suicide about a year after we had broken up. I had lost grandparents
before that, but it didn't really have any kind of lasting impact
on me or make me think about death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
he was so young and everybody liked him.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to not have so much invested in keeping a stiff upper lip. We're so
bound up in being "over it," being "o.k." It's ridiculous. All that
sorrow digs a well into us, and eventually the tears burst forth
regardless.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
through therapy in dealing with this death I grew tremendously
as a person, found my creative voice again, and began to become a
professional musician.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
therapy.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
dealing with the fact that I was never, ever going to see this
person again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I was not present. I would have pulled him out of the river if I
had been there.
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned through therapy to really grieve. By unleashing that energy,
I was then able to turn it to positive directions.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I thought everything was o.k., but I started drinking too much and
smoking heavily and crying all the time.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
This did not happen to me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
save him. Talk to him before he made the decision to kill himself.
I'm terrified that he tried to call me and couldn't get through.
Dammit.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
recover, survive, do honor to him memory.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
not sure.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
not sure.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I visit his grave, as I do at least once a year. I go and tell
him I still miss him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We wouldn't still be together as a couple, but perhaps he would
have gotten well and been able to live a happy, productive life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I couldn't save him.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Communicate with the dead. Hear he was happy and at ease.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
began to fall apart. I kept "seeing" him everywhere. It took
years for that to go away.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
unhappiness that he wasn't able to get the psychiatric care he
needed.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
not relevant.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. It did not help me deal with it at all. Since the death
I have converted to Catholicism, and that has helped me deal with
other deaths.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was raised an atheist, became a Buddhist as a young adult, and
--after several years without a religion-- became a Catholic convert.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
correct.
--Regarding MONEY:
not relevant.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
a lot of people from his religion (a very strict sect of Lutheranism)
were sure he was going to hell because he'd kill himself.
They almost seemed smug about it.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Wanting so much to see him again that I felt as if my desire alone
would summon up his shade by my bedside.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
not relevant.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was important to learn that I could take as much time to grieve
as I needed. Grief is very personal and there's no "right" way to
do it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
His family called me looking for him, asking if I knew where he was.
I said no. After I hung up the phone, I began to pray for his safety
before my Buddhist altar. When I went to put my beads down, a voice
within me shouted "No!" and I felt compelled to continue praying.
That's as close as a "visitation from the other side" as I got.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
No unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell him that I would always love him and pray for him.
I would hope he would say the same.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Shortly after his death, I had many, many dreams about him.
The most intense and memorable involved the two of us walking along
a foggy coast. He was ahead of me the whole while. We walked
down a narrow strip of stony gravel reaching out into the ocean.
Everything was muted. I was afraid to catch up with him and
touch him, because I feared that when he turned his face would
be horribly disfigured by the time he had spent in the water.
When we reached the end of the strip of land, we stood almost
together looking out over the fog and the gently lapping water.
I touched his arm and he turned to me. His face was good and whole.
"I'm all right he said. I love you." I'll never know if all
that was him "coming to me," or simply my sad heart wishing it so.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I can't think of anything here.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would feel very sad. I don't want to die yet, and I'd like to have
children before I go. I also don't want to leave my husband alone.
I am not afraid of old age and natural death, however.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I did a lot of song and poetry writing that really helped me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still visit his grave, even though it's about a 45 minute drive
from my house.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I had to get therapy. I was falling apart. The therapy changed
my life and helped me accept this person's death.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
My religion at the time didn't allow for me to grieve properly.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I was able to reach out to one of my students whose father committed
suicide a few years after the death I experienced. I really think
I was able to help her.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It is interesting to revive those memories. They still ached,
and they still are precious too.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
None.
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Sun Dec 10 13:29:21 2000
F18 in , alberta =canada=
Name: Morgan
Email: <alberta_homicide=at=excite.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I typed in 'questionnaire'
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Don't Take my Grief Away from Me
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandFather, 1 yr (almost) ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 83.
--Details:
I was told it was old age. However, I doubt this because he was
generally a healthy man.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I had a dream. My great grandfather died two
days later.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The dream I had before the death. My great grandfather told me to cut
my hair in the dream (I had very long hair). So I had my hair cut,
and I braided it, I tucked the braid into his arms at the funeral.
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I don't mind how my culture deals with death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That my greath grandfather's spirit will be with me always to guide
me and watch over me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My mom. It was her grandpa and we could relate alot because my
grandpa (her dad) had died a few years before that.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Cutting my beautiful long hair.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I was there for my great aunt's death and I had nothing to say. But
she completely understood this. We didn't even speak the same
language, my grandma was there to translate.
--[My Great GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
survived it and grew from it emotionally.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My great grandmother died. It was around the time of my graduation
and the thought kept popping into my head of sending her a grad
picture of me and how proud she would be. Then I would remember
that she'd died a month prior.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it's okay to laugh. Because laughter soothes the soul. And maybe
it's even the deceased making you laugh. (My great aunt's eulogy
was written by her~it said "don't cry for me, I want you to laugh
and be happy I've moved on).
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
To be there when my great grandfather died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say goodbye to him. The last time I visited my great grandpa I
said goodbye.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The whole family gets together to support each other (and attend
the funeral).
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The death cards handed out at the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I recall a memory that we shared.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I probably wouldn't see my great grandparents that much anyway. (it
was just nice to know they were alive).
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Uh, then I would cry.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. Then I grieved.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
hatred.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they didn't understand even though they tried to.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
absolutely nothing. to me it was just the place the funeral was
held if.
--Religious Affiliation:
Right now I've no religion. I used to be catholic.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
enlightening when I think that someday I will die as well.
--Regarding MONEY:
I had nothing to do with it, but the inheritance thing was a battle
that still left our family bitter.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
There were too many people. People I didn't know but knew the
deceased.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
crying. Because I never cry.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I had a dream before my great grandfather died. It was at a point
in my life where I was questioning my relgious beliefs and life
in general. In this dream I was told to cut my hair and that he
(my great grandpa) wanted it. So I had it braided and I buried it
with him.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I always hear footsteps when someone dies. Usually it comes the
night after I hear 'the bad news'. It never fails, I hear footsteps,
like someone walking with cowboy boots on a wooden floor, all night
long. Sometimes I dream of the deceased, or hear voices long before
they die.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I could talk to anyone in my family about it. Death isn't a taboo
after someone's died. They understand.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell him I love him. And that I want to make him proud. And
that I miss him. Thinking about the fact that he's gone, however,
still brings me to tears.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
When I cut my hair and buried the braid of it with my great
grandfather, I gave him my strength. So that he could watch over me
and guide me throughout my life. (this is how my culture describes
it).
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want to be cremated. No one agrees with this. But I told them
that if they don't cremate me I'm going to haunt them. Cemetaries
are freaky places and I don't want my body to reside in one. I
should probably have a will. But I don't want the law to force my
family into cremating me. They know what's best for me and if it
makes them feel better to bury me then so what, I'll be dead. Just
as long as they humor me until I die and tell me I'll be cremated.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm immortal. I've had several near death experiences (some self
inflicted) and I still haven't died. If I knew I was going to die
soon I'd be happy. I'd be excited. I'd say bye to everyone and tell
them not to cry for me because we all die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Talking to the deceased as though they were there. I do this when
I hear the footsteps (because they become quite loud and annoying).
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Sometimes I still talk to my great grandfather. And I go to my
grandpa's grave and tell him how I'm doing in life. It feels good
inside to know that they're still there in some way shape or form,
and can be a part of my life.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No, but I have grown closer to my great grandfather since his death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? The Funeral
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
It is so easy to become hindered in dealing with death when you are
first told 'the bad news', because everyone is trying to deal with
it and the initial denial.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I hope it will be useful in your studies.
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Sat Dec 9 20:27:11 2000
F28 in baltimore, MD =usa=
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Prof/Studies: speech pathologist
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Goodbye Friend
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: attacked ; Aged: 14.
--Details:
my sister's dog grabbed my dog by the neck and shook and tore him
apart. i jumped in the middle and tried to break it up but without
success. my dog died 2 weeks later. My sister's husband found him
when i was on vacation. i came home and buried him in the backyard
as soon as i found out. My family had a memorial service for him
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
great grandmother, not very close, I just knew i should be sad at
the funeral because everyone else was
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
an incredible sense of being defeated. So much time and worry was
put into keeping him alive, for him to die in the end.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
death is part of the circle of life. My sister brought her 3 month
old puppy to the funeral of my dog. He provided a comic relief and
the tiime of grreatest tears by doing a bellyflop into the family
pool and had to be dragged out. It was a sign that life goes on
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my best friend. She validated my grief and my tears. She allowed
me to talk again and again and most importantly, she visited the
grave site periodicically and put flowers down. It helped to know
that she cared as much as I did
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my dog was a big part of me and a source of contentment. I missed
that greatly and felt an incredible lonliness. Also the guilt that
i couldn't help him during the attack (although i tried). i felt
he did not deserve to die that way and was angry about how unfair
things seemed to be!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i saw my dog suffering and not knowing if euthanasia was the
answer. i could not bring myself to do it b/c he had such a zest for
life, but it was hard to put aside my selfish feelings of wanting
to safe him. My own fear of death prevented me from seeing that he
may have been ready and simply hanging on for me
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see another dog that looked like mine or when my family tries to
talk about it (it is still a touchy subject and can not be completed
without tears. Someone always terminates the conversation)
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he didn't deservee it...i tried so hard to save him so why did he
have to die
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
CRY! Ask him a question that bothers me to this day..."Did you know
that I tried to help you" (during the attack). Sometimes I wonder
because i couldn't help him although I tried.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was very very angry and i don't know why or at who. A part of me
realized that he was no longer suffering and i kept waiting for
that to relieve the feelings
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the vets were wonderful and went above and beyond there call of
duty. Thhey loved my dog almost as much as I did. They took extra
measures to make him comfortable aand they called me everyday to
discuss his progress. The office sent me a card and each doctor,
tech, and receptionist wrote a little note. It meant a lot to me.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
We finally put the other dog down (the one who attacked my dog)and
the weirdest/worst part was the sick sense of relief i felt when
the docor told us he was gone. I was so tired of worrying all
of the time. Even though i was mad because he attacked my dog,
I still loved him as a family pet and never wanted him to die.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
anger, grief, acceptance. Sadness still occurs when memories are
triggered but not on a regular basis. I cycled through the stages,
they did not occur in a linear fashion.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
issues with my family to talk about the incident. It seems to be the
forbidden subject. i have panic attacks when other dogs are around
and they are very intoloerant. I try to explain that i am working on
my issues and to please be patient. My therapist has given me coping
strategies for dealing with my fear of witnessing another attack
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i love you. i tried so hard to help you. you were so good to me. It
may help with my feelings of guilt.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
panic would be the first emotion. my fear of death is not the fear
of the unknown but rather the leaving people behind. There are
too many loved ones that I would have to hear first hand that they
would be okay.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I donated his dog bowls and leashes to a local animal shelter. I
sit at his gravesite for solitude. I keep his memory alive through
pictures in my room
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Books & Films
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
also, my own fear of death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
more help from my family. they were supportive up till the funeral
but then it was dropped. my time to grief was over.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it brought back tears that i have been unable to shed. I
found it therapeutic to write about the experience, almost like
journaling. the most helpful question was about what would i say if
i had a chance. This is something i have often thought but never
verbalized or wrote on paper. i felt a sense of relief to see it
on the screen.
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Thu Dec 7 23:01:34 2000
F33 in Belleville, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Karen
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Registered Nurse
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: autoimmune hepatitis; Aged: 51.
--Details:
Misdiagnosed for years, sick at home with no medical intervention
until it was too late. Hospitalized for 1 day when we were told
she needed a liver transplant asap and it was not likely to happen.
She passed away 2 days later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the ending of a life that leaves a void in the lives of those
left behind
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried forever it seemed. I frequently thought that I'd see them
out in public and have to do a reality check.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother and it was natural causes
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
friends and family support
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the belief I have that God chooses those special ones to go early
because they are needed up there more than they are down here.
Knowing that she is up there as well as watching over me and my
family has provided me such comfort but I miss her terribly.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing I would never see, hear, touch, laugh, cry,
etc. etc. etc. with her again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Human touch, a familiar voice, expression of love, providing her
with my permission to go on to that better place and assuring her
that it was ok to leave-- there is nothing more difficult than
saying good-bye to your best friend in the whole world but not
having the chance to do so would be tragic
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend her last day on this earth with her. I know in my heart she
knew I was there and that it provided her with the peace she needed
to move on.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a specific song on the radio, or when I enter that hospital
room that she died in {I am an RN and she died on the floor that
I work on}, or my father calls me her name, or for no reason at all.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she is the most loved woman in the world, she would do anything for
anyone, my children wouldn't remember her {I was pregnant for my
second child and miscarried shortly after the funeral}, and most
of all I still needed her
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to her one more time and make sure she knows that I'm ok and
to make sure that she is ok
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
no comment regarding the administrative end but as for direct and
personal care received it was absolutely the best.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I don't go to church but I have strong beliefs and close relationship
with I don't go to church but I believe I am a
very religious person who stays in close contact with God
--Regarding MONEY:
Sentimentality was overlooked with some d/t monetary value of
some of her belongings
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the overwhelming number of people whose support was above and beyond
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Being a health care professional there was absolutely nothing I
could do but the guilt that I felt was almost overwhelming
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My father remarried soon after my mothers passing{6 mos.} and they
lived in my mothers house. My father experienced many things but the
most prevalent was that of a very loud noise sounding like a large
antique light had fallen from the ceiling to the floor upstairs one
night, only to discover on investigation that everything was intact.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Keep in mind that it is not you lying there, you need to do what
you know your loved one wanted. Don't be selfish, remember it's
their life.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have a nephew who was 11 at the time of my mothers death.
He was the apple of her eye and the two of them were inseparable.
He kept me strong, he delivered a eulogy that brought tears and
laughter to all who listened and if an 11 year old boy could do
that with no hesitation in his voice I knew I could survive too.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought a tear back to my eye once again, but that's good it
means I will never forget and I will have that love forever.
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Thu Dec 7 09:41:18 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Chicken Soup for the Soul
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Unknown
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 9 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 80.
--Details:
In the bathroom early in the morning
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Painfull and hard to get over
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Couldn't believe it
--That first time, how it happened was
My Great-Grandma died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Crying
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Crying won't bring them back
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
We had a good relationship
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My mom
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Everybody sad
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Being there helps
--[My Great GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Learned to accept it
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first found out
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
IT was confusing
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Hug her once more
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be her grand-daughter
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Really missed her
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Tue Dec 5 04:24:51 2000
F17 in lpool, merseyside =england=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
friends
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 72.
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--Death Is:
the beginning of another life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was devestated
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...in sickness
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
family love
--What I think my (england) culture needs to better learn about death is:
hard to deal with
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that he was free from pain
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
comfort
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
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Mon Dec 4 12:48:46 2000
F30 in Cleveland, OH =US=
Name: Ronelle
Email: <frisky=at=hushmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Your site was amongst a list of other sites under Tests and
Experiments
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Prof/Studies: Dept. Asst.
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More personal info:
You can post my answers although I do not think what I said was
helpful
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: pneumonia; Aged: 57.
--Details:
Not exactly sure. Our family was not notified until 11/5/2000 and
he had been gone since the 16th of October.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an unbelieveable pain that won't go away
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 12 years old
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My Uncle Sam was let out on a freeway in Los
Angeles and was hit by an 18 wheeler, he was my mothers youngest
brother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being around a family who I had not seen in years. Looking at my
father in that box a completely different complexion than what he
truly was, he was completely black like tar when he has always
been very light skinned, he did not look the same, he looked as
if he had so much left to tell us. I had not seen him in 8 years,
that hurt the most.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
ways to deal with. Death is sad but you have to believe that
whomever has passed has gone to a better place.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
seeing my Aunts and Uncles and my cousins, the same people I would
see every Christmas and thanksgiving, birthdays, I got to see my
fathers mom who is 90, I got to see one of my closest friends and
her parents who have been like surrogate parents to me. I got to
go home to Los Angeles after 8 years.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
None of the above. I know he is with me. I look at his pictures
in his obituary everyday since I have been back in Cleveland,
I loved him and he is with me still
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I had not seen him in 8 years, the last time I was home. 8 years
ago we were laughing and joking this time there were no talks.
I loved my father and I love him still.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I was not there so this does not apply to me. I should have been
there for him and I was not and I will always hate myself for that.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
capable of what, I was not capable and I am sorry that I cannot
shed any light here.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the person in the casket did not look like him.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that did not happen to me, all I kept saying was why, because I
did not understand why this had to happen
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
EVERYTHING. I regret not being there for him, I regret not going
home every 2 years, I regret not convincing him to come and stay
with me and I would take care of him, I regret not asking anyone
soner if they had seen or heard from him, I regret EVERYTHING,
I regret losing touch, I regret, I regret
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get there. I did not have any money, but the day I found out a
large sum of money dropped in my lap and I was able to go by train
(2 days and 2 nights) to be with my father one last time.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am always welling up, he was my father and I loved him. This death
was very recent so its fresh on my mind
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have either moved back to California by now or he would be
living here.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
because it was not, it was not fair that I had not seen him in so
long it was not fair for him to give up on his life, he was not
fair to me or my brother who gave him the right to give up on us
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to him
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I found out through an email I received at WORK that my father
was gone it was the most horrible thing because it was totally
unexpected. I will never understand why this happened all I know
is that he stopped caring and I am mad at him for that. Who gave
him the right to give up on his life NO ONE.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding MONEY:
there was no money. His sister paid for it, he had no money nor
did me or my brother
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
when my Aunt Sis and Aunt Ollie cried, my cousin Lisa who is 36
said she has never seen her mom cried but she cried for him
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
just being in Los Angeles, I kept looking whenever I was in a car
at how things have changed and how foreign it is to me.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
not sure...my father did not look the same and I had not seen him
in many years, so I don't know
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
just cry and get it all over with but is it ever really over
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just ask him WHY
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I am sure I had this experience, my grandfather passed away in
1993, February...I was living in NJ and was unable to go to his
funeral, that summer, I was sleeping and I could not move, I was
in an uncomfortable position, and I thought I heard him calling
my name, through these ants, or the ants were whipspering I know
I heard something
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would want people to remember how I touched there lives and to
always know that I would be with them. I know that it is more
important to keep in touch because I did not.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would just like to be buried in Los Angeles. I would have to
believe that the Lord has taken me for a reason
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
nothing really, he is in Los Angeles and I live in Cleveland
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have not changed because I know that I should have been there
for him and that is all I think about
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
NOT!!!Los Angeles is my home and thats hit but I reside in Cleveland
and no one here was a part of that.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
He was my Uncle I was angry with him for something stupid at the
time and I had my mother and we weren't that close. It was sad
but very easy to deal with
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
Since we are still dealing with my uncles death I guess nothing.
My 1st funeral ever. My grams was real sad and all of my uncles
came up from Alabama
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
There was no one to reach out to. I do not speak to my brother,
I did not speak to my mother the entire time I was in Los Angeles.
My Grandfather his father passed in 1993, my Uncle was there
his half brother but they were not that close. My grandma did
not attend because she is 90 years old and does not get around,
there was no one to reach out too. I do know that he was loved,
he was loved very much.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I am at work and this probably was not the place for me to complete
this questionnaire. It made me think about what I could and should
have done it makes me angry
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Sat Dec 2 19:17:01 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 20 ago.
Cause of Death: cNCER; Aged: 52.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my dad died of brain cancer- he was 52
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
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Sat Dec 2 18:00:08 2000
M25 in edinburgh, =scotland=
Name: Debbie
Email: <de88ie25=at=yahoo.co.uk>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 45.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
part of life. Something that everybody has and will experience.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young, 11years. I didn't understand why my cousin had died.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My young cousin died aged 18months
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not believing that it had really happened.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it made me stronger.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing that my father was no longer in pain and that he loved me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I would never see him again.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say how I felt to my father, not that I didn't have the
opportunity. I just didn't know how to actually say it.I think this
was because of my own denial of the fact that my father was going
to die.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
how come certain people are still alive and it was my father
who died.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Terrible! The hospice was plainly a place for people to go to die
in.We removed my father after a few days and took him home to care
for him. If we noticed that everyone around was dying surely my
father did, how must that have made him feel. He was relatively
young compared to the others in there.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
wicca
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
natural.
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How many people turned up to pay their respects, showing that my
father was a loved/liked man.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my father called out for his dead grandad a few days before he died,
he was very close to his grandad when he was young. I also seen his
grandad sitting on the sofa while my father was in the hospice. I
described him perfectly even though I had never met him.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Soon after my fathers death he came to me in a dream to tell me
that he was alrught. I still occasionally dream of him but not
always in the same way, sometimes he is just part of the dream,
symbollic rather than in a single part of it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have thought about this often and would like to make sure that
everyone I loved knew how much I loved them and how important they
are to me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Realising that life is unpredictable and sometimes short, I take
the time to show my loved ones how much I love them.I am also
more assertive.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I gave a lot of support to my mother.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Realising how I feel about death is quite positive and that although
I am apprehensive as I don't actually know what will happen I am
not scared of death or dying.
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See Nov 00 contributions.
See Oct 00 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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