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See Current contributions.
See Jul 06 contributions.
See Jun 06 contributions.
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Wed Aug 23 15:53:42 2006
F52 in Moreno Valley, California =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Hospice link
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Prof/Studies: Hospice RN/Case Manager
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Final Gifts
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Callanan & Kelley
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Pneumonia; Aged: 67.
--Details:
My dad caught a cold & went to the dr. He was told to come back in
a week. He felt worse but wouldn't go back to his dr. because it
hadn't been a week. He died in his sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the cessation of all physical functions which sustain life.
Its comprehension requires multi-levels of understanding &
acceptance. Our human brain/intellect knows that someone is gone
but our heart/emotions have more difficulty accepting that the loved
one is truly gone. They were here one minute...where did they go?
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt disbelief & then I cried for a short time. I thought I was
doing well, however, 6 months later, became physically ill from
not mourning, from pretending to be ok.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How incredibly devastated I was. I didn't get to say goodbye.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it happens.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my sisters & I became closer. It also sent me down a different
job path.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Medication (antidepressant) & the support of my family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the regret & anger: regret that I didn't say goodbye & tell him
that I love him, and anger that he died.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
allow the person to set the tone. If the person wants to talk,
even if it is about final arrangements or saying goodbye, encourage
this without judgement. If this person just wants to be held or
not touched at all, respect his wishes.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my dad was lying there but he wasn't there.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was emotional release.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye & I love you. I would also have made sure my dad was
comfortable & not alone.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
take care of all of the arrangements, assisted by my son.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the mortuary personnel handled my dad's remains so gently &
respectfully.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I want to ask my dad for his advice or opinion. My birthday is
always hard because our birthdays were a day apart & we always
celebrated together. When I see things that my dad would have
liked when I am out shopping, it hurts anew.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would spend more time with my dad. I would tell him how important
he is to me, that I love him, that I learned so much from him.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I still need my dad. He can't be gone.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Turn back time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was in shock, followed by intense pain & sorrow.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
anger at my father's doctor. I felt he was incompetent even before
my father's death. I had accompanied my dad to an appointment
because, as an RN, I felt he was not being managed appropriately.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a source of comfort.
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting & hopeful.
--Regarding MONEY:
my sister & I took care of everything. It helped greatly that my son
is in the funeral business & his boss was incredibly kind & helpful.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was supportive & felt like "community" in that we knew a good
man was gone & we all were going to feel his absence.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when my dad has come to see me several times. The last time,
he looked so healthy & happy, that it made me feel better.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a little over a month before he became ill, my dad called me just to
talk. He talked about his childhood, among other things. I thought
this a bit odd at the time. A few weeks before he became ill,
he called me & told me he loved me; not something he normally did.
In hindsight, I think he had some intuition that his time was coming.
Therefore, pay attention to these little things; they could be more
important than we realize.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it is never really over, just more manageable. And that's ok.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
as a Hospice nurse, I see this occuring almost universally.
It tells me that death is approaching.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Most days, I accept that things are as they are & I cannot change
them, therefore, let it go. Other days, I want "just one more hug."
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope that my dad would say how proud he is of me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Not only do you need to have your wishes written, as in an Advance
Directive, but you must tell your loved ones about these wishes.
They need to understand what your wishes are in order to carry
them out.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Working so closely with death & dying, I think about my own death
much more. I tell my loved ones that I love them & try to be more
affectionate. My biggest task is to get rid of my "treasures" &
organize my "stuff" so my family doesn't have to go through it &
wonder what the heck it is.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
That I loved my family & friends & (hopefully) was a good wife,
mother, sister & friend. That I brought peace & comfort to my dying
patients & their families, who frequently called me their "angel."
That my faith sustained me & I was blessed. That my "Hospice Heart"
will continue on in others.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I talk to my dad when I need to. I visit his grave on special days.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I was a clinic nurse before my dad died. I became a Hospice nurse
after. I would want Hospice care for my loved ones & wish I could
have provided it to him. Death is a fact. Hospice is helping to
change the attitude of "life at all costs" & "if we ignore it,
it won't happen." Comfort & peace are replacing this.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My 2 sisters & I have grown closer.
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I realized how empty "call if you need something" is. I do not say
this anymore; I take the initiative to make the calls or visit my
grieving friends often.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped to think about coping...that I am coping better than I
give myself credit for.
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Mon Aug 21 10:57:21 2006
F53 in Lynn, MA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother-in-Law, Mins ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 80.
--Details:
My mother in law's death is imminent. She has suffered for the
last 6 years and has slowly deteriorated. Medical intervention to
make her comfortable or upgrade her quality of life has only lead
to complications and her being housed in a nursing home.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life of a human
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was amazed that it took so long for someone to die a natural death
and learned what to lose someone was like
--That first time, how it happened was
My great aunt was being brought to the hospital and my mother
told me to go and say good bye to her. I didn't believe she would
actually die and never went to say goodbye. She died the next day
and I was taken aback of the fact that I had no control and missed
my opportunity to say good bye to her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fact that I wouldn't be able to interact with them. I missed
their physical presence
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that traditions and mourning are an important part of the grieving
process.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
for hospice and certain friends who are understanding of the death
process and what you are going thru
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
understanding friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
adult family members who are too busy to visit and leave all the
responsibility of their loved ones to strangers
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
bringing small presents, spending time with them and telling them
that you love them
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
came to learn that death can come at any time of life and it can
be shocking
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I kept seeing people that looked like my friend and it was had to
realize he was no longer on earth.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I felt guilty about it for my husband's sake, but realized it was
just a stress reliever
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with them
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
provide for my mother in law and be there. I cooked dinner every
Sunday and my husband and myself had a really nice relationship
with her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My mother in law's beautiful blue eyes changed to black while she
was in her coma like trance.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
That she like having us visit and hearing us chatter about what
we did for the day and how the weather was, etc. even though she
didn't speak to us...
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize my husband now has no parents and both my parents are both
alive and well and I'll have to bear this when my parents pass too.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it would be perfect and no one would ever get sick or suffer
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the dying of old age where our bodily functions end one by
one takes so long and is so stressfull on the patient and living
persons...in visiting...not knowing how long or when to go or stay
or if this will be the last time you speak to them...
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
keep all my family alive and well
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
it couldn't be possible
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
sometimes bumbling idiot doctoRs, sometimes saviors.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
mixed feelings..the hospice wasn't as active as I thought and
basically felt that now in addition to treating the patient, they
were treating the family
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that there was a hereafter and we would meet again..
a bible passage
in an e-mail I received by chance really hit home and comforted me..
--Religious Affiliation:
nonpracticing catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
more comforting than a mass for the dead. For some reason, I'm
comforted to believe I will be re-united with my dead relatives
when I die
--Regarding MONEY:
her daughter was complaining about having to travel home and spend
money (cried poor mouth). My husband also took a lot of unpaid
time off from work and felt guilty that some bills were piling up
and other family members just abandoned their mother cause they
claimed they couldn't face her this way.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a coma like trance and not speaking, swallowing became difficult,
and the 'death rattle'. The dying process lasted a lot longer than
I imagined or expected...months instead of a day or two.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
lots of denial/guilt that this was only a small set back and that
medication or another hospitalization would fix it..it was caused
by the lack of care since we asked for hospice, etc..
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have had strange occurances my entire life when someone close to
me dies. One time I was in the bathroom and thought my husband
was calling me. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that
he hadn't called me. This happened twice for the same passing.
Another time I saw shadows walk by really fast. This time I was
out weeding my garden and thought I saw someone standing at the
top of the hill and looked up, no one was there.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I am comfortable that I was kind and loving to my mother in
law...provided her with clothes and toiletries and made her part
of my family
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that it's Ok to pass and I'll miss her and think of her often.
I don't feel as lonely.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My parents live in a home where my mothers relatives have lived for
many generations. One time while my family was living there, my son
asked my mother if she ever had any 'visitors.' My mother said of
course not. But later that night my uncle's picture fell off the
wall and my son was very upset by it all. I tried to comfort him
and tell him that it was only a relative and maybe they do try to
contact us. I have always felt at ease in that home.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
That family members have different views on what should happen and
the departed one should have made these decisions...it's best to
leave the decision up to one dedicated person and the others just
abide by their wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Yes. I have had a few near death experiences and feel that I would
be able to pass comfortably. I do feel that I would be cheated
since my children would miss me and I'd miss being with them for
their marriages, etc.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
That my family (husband, children, parents) were very important
to me...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Usually praying and speaking to the person and telling them that
I'll see them at some time and to watch over me and the family and
be comforted that we love them and know they can't be with us.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still pray for my relatives and ask them to look over us and help
those in need
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes, my own mother has kind of withdrawn and I'm thinking that maybe
she's too close in age to my mother in law even though my mothers
health is good. My neighbor whose mother passed a few years ago has
been a great source of comfort and encouragement that we're doing the
right thing and spending as much time as we can with my mother in law
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How'd I do? Very Well
The fact that we will all die and it is a natural part of life
Our culture of denying feelings and youth worship
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Delivering food to a home to be sure they family had one less thing
to worry about..and babysitting young children who were either sick
or couldn't attend services
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was too long!!
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Fri Aug 11 17:22:24 2006
F37 in Huddersfield, West yorkshire =UK=
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More personal info:
I found this interesting being able to discuss such a taboo subject
that we must all face at some time.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 3 Months ago.
Cause of Death: spinal injury; Aged: 6.5yrs.
--Details:
I recently found out my son had jumped on my dogs back causing severe
damage, after surgery she developed a fatal complication. We brought
her home for one night but had to put her to sleep following day. At
this time I was unaware of how the injury had occured. My dog was
part of my family and was loved immensley. My son is 4 and does
not fully comprehend the situation.
Another death was that of
my mum (actually my grandmother but believed she was my mother up
until the death of my dad, grandad).
My mum died in the UK while
I was living in South Africa. I received a phone call at Christmas
saying mum had had stroke.
I rang early one morning and was told
mum had passed away through night.
Mum died within a 3 days of me
being informed. Because it was Christmas and I was so far away the
family thought it best not to advise me of the severity. However
had I known I would have tried everything to get flight home. As
it turned out I caught flight New Years Day for funeral.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
It is the end of this life and either the begining of a new but
different life or simply ceasing to exist.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Felt my world had been shattered. I felt angry that I had been
left behind.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The intensity of the pain. The dread of each morning when I would
remember the awfullness of it all. The emptiness all around. The
desperation for one last cuddle and one last 'I love you'. The
revelation that the body could produce so many tears.
The inability
to cope with any normal day activities. I chose complete isolation
and did not want to talk to anyone.
Those close to me supported me
and did what they could to help even if it was respecting my wish
just to be given some time alone. People around me were saddened
and upset but able to function.
--What I think my (UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Spirituality helps us cope in this life. We are a minority culture
who tends to not take spirituality and faith seriously, often
it is ridiculed. We are raised without much spiritual input. I
believe our culture cynisism deepens the trauma of losing someone
we love because of the uncertainty of what happens to our loved
ones. The pain we feel is not really for those we have lost. It
is for ourselves and the knowledge that we will miss them daily
with no certainty of being re-united. Spirituality gives people
the comfort of believing in a re-union.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When I lost my mum and returned to SA after the funeral I was racked
with guilt that I never said goodbye. I had a spiritual experience
that I can not explain away. When I doubt that there is anything
more than this life, I am always left with the most glorious
experience that I can not deny. Afterwards I no longer grieved,
I found instant peace. As a cynic this is something remarkable.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My husband taking care of our child. Being left alone. Talking
about it when I wanted to.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That it was senseless and preventable.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Silences dont always need filling. Silent companionship lends
strength.
--[My dog's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
feel emmotionaly about those around me. Love is the meaning of
life. Often life is so busy that it consumes us with everyday woes
and drudgery. We can not turn the clock back and we never know when
we might lose someone. Prioritise love better.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realised the senselessness of it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Make clear how much I loved those close to me. Not take every
encounter for granted. We never know when it will be our last.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
find enough faith that we will see each other again and recover.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The wording of the minister during the service.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I find old letters, pictures.
Innitialy I watch the cam corder
repeatedly and just watch tapes. It gives me great comfort in
the begining, I can get lost in the scren and pretend they are
still here. After a few weeks I go the opposite way and it becomes
painful. Unable to listen to some music.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I talk to them like they are still here. It helps keeps the pain
at bay, because theres a chance they can here me!
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Im still at that point.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
join them.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Over a telephone thousands of miles aaway, I began sobbing and could
not continue the conversation.
I went home and locked myself away.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they can only do so much.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
I dont subscribe to any man fed doctrine and instead try to find
my own spirituality. I try very hard to have faith in something
more. When I lose that faith, everything seems pretty pointless.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like we are all in for a big surprise (hopefully). We as humans
can not possibly comprehend the truth.
--Regarding MONEY:
We didnt have enough but made it through.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
That people chatted and some even laughed (probably sharing a funny
story) I couldnt understand that they were able to.
I was not
allowed to go to my fathers funeral (I was considered too young aged
7) I sat on a pavement while everyone was gone and cried because
I wasnt able to say goodbye to my dad. A terrible mistake. If a
child is able to understand the concept of a funeral then if they
so wish they should be permitted to attend.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How it changed my perception. I value those around me significantly
more yet I have no fear of death for myself. I value the lives
and presence of those around me. Life seems very fickle. It can
dissapear when you least expect it.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
noththing can be said that will help. only time can do it's
job. Logically we may know this during the process but 'knowing'
and 'feeling' are 2 seperate things. Grief is personal, theres no
strategy that will cure all.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Family report that a day before mum died she looked better than
previously. Although in a coma, she waited for her daughter to
arrive in the room (early hours) and then died.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
We will see each other again.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
WOW! I was really depressed after the funeral. Back in South Africa
I was sobbing and asking God why couldnt I say 'Goodbye'? I talked
to God and mum but was in a terrible state. I took a bath still
sobbing and begged God to please help me.
That night I went to bed
and had the most incredible dream.
I walked into the bathroom and
there was a light that was so bright it was amazing but it was the
feeling coming from the 'light' it was a feeling of such intense and
unconditional love that I have never imagined. It was so humbling
that I fell to my knees and I was crying with the JOY of knowing how
loved I was. Then I looked in the corner and there was my mum. She
looked younger and healthy.
We had a proper conversation. It was
amazing. I told her how much I loved her and she told me she knew. I
also told her that I was worried that maybe it would be so long that
our love would lessen (this is to do with my dad's death-because I
was so young dad feels more like a distant memory-I was concerned
this would happen with mum-almost like healing is treachery)also
I had it my mind that if you became spirit you may move away from
those left behind.. mum told me it didnt matter how long it would be
I was always going to be her little girl and she was always going
to be my mum. Mum explained that she had a lot to do and that she
had to go.
I knew that somehow I had been holding her back but she
only had a short window in which to communicate. Someone higher up
authorised this visit.
We said everything we needed to say and I
felt fantastic.
I instantly woke up HAPPY and woke my husband. I
was joyous.
I have not shed a tear since or felt sadness at mums
passing. I love my mum but that night changed something. I have not
had that relief from grief with others.
I can logically explain why
I dreamt of mum I can even explain why I would create a Heavenly
presence. However I can not explain the feeling of love eminating
from the ball of light, I couldnt reproduce that kind of love even as
a defence against the level of grief I was experiencing. Definitely
it was not of this earth. That experience always springs to mind
when I am having trouble believing.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Well Ive just completed my will (2 nights ago) our insurance all
set up. My will covers everything of importance. Especially the
concerns of my son and his best interests.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
The only issue I have with dying is the effect it would have on those
left behind specifically my young son. I would not want him to deal
with that. Also I have wondered that as we miss those who have gone
will we miss those we leave behind. My fears are mostly to do with
other people and the effects on them. i am not afraid of dying,
we all have to do it and certainly i wouldnt want to live forever!
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She couldnt stand not knowing........
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
constantly watching video. Talking to them. Surrounding myself with
photographs. Sleeping with items in connection to my loved one.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Talking & photos.
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i told someone i had no words to offer and just listened to them.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i am intrigued with death. im still sore but that is me missing
someone i love, death itself is like a great big mystery. look
how many theories are out there! its a huge mystery that will
be eventually solved by all of us. im quite interested about how
people in general feel and think about their own death but people
shy away from talking about it.
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Fri Aug 11 11:42:43 2006
Anon 50 in paia, hi =us=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looking up bardo in Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Counselor
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More personal info:
Would love full version of what I have written in text format
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Death and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
E Kubler Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, Not yet Years ago.
Aged:
--Details:
Father and Mother are both having health problems and are elderly;
may go anytime. My brother is also not very healthy, severaly obese.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Feared because we can not know what happens AFTER the death of
our bodies. We spend lots of time TRYING to make something up that
explains and comforts us, but that Fear of Unknown flavors all of
our experiences of Life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young, a pre-teen, and it was my grandmother, my Dad's
mother. She was not my favorite grandmother. I was a little scared
and intimidated by her. I remember the old photo in the rounded
glass frame in her bedroom, the one of her grandparents. I knew
they were dead and we used to scare each other with their eyes
following us; hated to sleep in that room.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The conversation when she was so sick ... about whether she wanted
to go or stay, that I would do all I could to help her survive the
illness, bring her kidneys back to functioning .. and if it was
her time, I would help her, release her, not hold her back with my
attachment or fear or grief. And the visceral feeling of holding her
tiny body as she slipped into coma and then breathed her last breath.
My heart breaking wide open.
--What I think my (us) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to hide it; move beyond the fear; accept it as natural, another
cycle and teach all how to prepare for it, the death of others,
strangers, loved ones and SELF
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
About 2 weeks after my beloved died, sitting in a car on a cloudy
day, random thoughts turning to her, wondering about where she
might be, after life, etc. And feeling the light break through
over my left shoulder, and inside that light was Her voice,
excited and young, like a child's saying YES there was an after,
and she was JOY. And I heard/felt/breathed in Her amazing other
world/after life GIGGLE
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Friends, spiritual studies; sitting by running water; walking
in nature; deep conversations with myself; writing a tribute to
Her passing
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching Her in pain, struggling with my attachment, sense of loss
after, not knowing exactly how to sucessfully move through grief
and come back into connection with the essense of who She was and
how her life Graced mine, coming back into gratitude and the sense
of Her presence even when her body was gone
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listen. Ask. Be Present. Move beyond your own Fears and deep
emotions, feel them and release -- instead of distracting or
ignoring. Keep them out of the way of being of service to others
without that flexibility.
--[My cat's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
connected with her after, and how she blesses my life to this day.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when I was young, not knowing what this was, or what my family
was up to while dealing with grandmother's death - the newness,
strangeness, the expressions of raw emotion which was so outside
the norm for our family. Very scary
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was like a pressure building, like emotional steam, and it had to
be released ... but was resistant or even incapable of sobs or tears
just then .. so the energy had to be released. Laughter was the valve
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Notice symptoms earlier so I could know now if I could have done
something different to minimize suffering, avoid the kidney failure,
or prolong her life. Learn how those who 'do grief well' actually
deal with the stages/phases, loss vs. connection
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
The blessing of her visitation to me only a very short time after
Her passing, and writing about it spontaneously and sharing those
writings with others then and over time as they encounter grief
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My cousin, looking worn and absolutely exhausted, recounted the
details of how her Father looked, what it was like to do CPR,
and watch him die in his house from heart attack as they waited
for paramedics
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Picking out clothes for body to wear and the whole thing of embalming
and open caskets
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Feeling others in pain, esp. when they are with me, or talking with
me over phone -- their grief triggers memories of mine. Fortunately,
it also brings to mind the blessings I have encountered through
living through the deaths of loved ones.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Don't really go there except to imagine my after life and seeing
others who have passed into that dimension or dimensions before me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Ignorance of what to do to take exquisite care of the body and
prevent 'untimely' death; death of someone so young
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
END the suffering
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I was there so I did not hear about it; I witnessed and carried
her out of this world.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
There are rare healing practitioners who know how to support folks
and be compassionate as they deliver the news, who have their own
wisdom or spiritual path or just life experience that allows them
to be truly comforting, these are angels and we need more of them,
esp in hospice
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
No experience yet
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Just going thru the motions, no substance only form
--Religious Affiliation:
NOT Religious but Spiritual - my own unique ecelectic mix of
Peruvian shamanism, Native American traditions, Hawaiian Huna,
Buddhism ... and a few others thrown into the stew
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Spirit feels like the web, within which we all live, the linkages,
or aka threads, of common experience including DEATH
--Regarding MONEY:
During my young experience with my grandmother, the greed and
impatience of those who were fighting ove STUFF even before the
funeral was SAD and disgusting
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Somber, slow, sad faces but everyone struggling NOT to look
foolish and cry .. and the contrast of those who lost their
self-consciousness and just expressed
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Actually strange was not there for the most recent, significant
death ...
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Yes more stories like in Grace and Grit about the actual moments
of death, the rattle, the clarity, the last words ... more versions
of how humans do this would be great
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Moved quickly through to the ending where the connection and sense
of presence was restored and the gratitude and blessing of that
life AND that death was recognized, appreciated ... honored
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't know, but all the animals who have died in this family's
house, IF they could move, went to exactly the same spot -- in a
hallway that they normally did NOT hang out in, and dropped their
bodies just there in that spot
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
None so far
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Via writing, acting out, spiritual practices, breathing techniques,
dancing and many other forms - I can own my own projections that
feel UNresolved because they were always mine, not the others
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Repeat my prayer that spontaneously arrived for me ... Farewell my
lovely, sweet, precious one - you have loved me well, blessed my life
with wisdom and so much sweet love, shared and explored, traveled
with me along a wandering path. I love you. Today, I miss you.
As I write the tears flow again, and your final, wondrous gift
to me - each time I feel myself contracting - tears welling -
pain aching in my heart, loss and grief choking and overwhelming
me - I remember to breathe. I take it all in and release it with
gratitude, and my heart breaks - opening - expanding. Beloved,
my heart is breaking wide open. Thank you and goodbye.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Shortly after Her passing, I was drifting in traffic and thougt
and mused to myself -- How cool if the universe is organized so
that She is now a direct channel of love and light for me. A few
minutes later, still in my driving trance, I heard a small sound
and felt a light touch on my left shoulder. At first I thought some
water had dripped on me from somewhere but it wasn't wet outside,
and my car doesn~Rt leak. I reached up and touched my shoulder
and there was nothing there. I looked up and around, seeking a
practical, logical source for the touch. The direction of my gaze
was looking out the driver~Rs side window, to the west, directly
into the sun. There was a white, gauzy quality to the light and
the clouds around it. The sun's glow was white, yet muted enough to
look into it comfortably. I did a bit of a double take because the
light was strange and pure. Then I heard a sweet voice in my head --
sounded like a child --- a young boy, very exuberant. The voice said
"Hey Mom, I'm in the light." Well part of me, the part that tingles
when insight comes through, just knew this was HER. Then the rest
of my mind, esp. the rational sector, began to clammer, "That is
a just a thought you made up. You didn't feel anything. You made
that up too. Her voice doesn't even sound like that." But before
I could get lost in the mind chatter, the voice came again. She
clearly said "Yes, you are right. I can touch you directly now."
Miracles and blessings come in many forms, even death.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The boilerplate legal form does not seem adequate, because there
are so many ways confusion and questioning and other folks' agendas
creep into the interpreation during the crisis, esp. around health
decisions. Why don't we have a process in place, outside the
lawyer's office, for folks to thoroughly explore and adequately
document their wishes, not just elderly or those in poor health.
Why not starting with teenagers and have them revise it every 5-10
years as life circumstances change
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am blessed; this life is rich with variety and magic and experience
and service. I have had a JUICY time, travelling and exploring
this planet and the cosmos. Not ready to go .. so many more ways
to have fun and experience JOY .. but hope to release into that
moment when it arrives
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Unexplored territory; am going to Bardo workshop to explore this
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I envision taking objects belonging to me or my loved one which are
precious or in some way symbolize the blessing of their life, their
gifts, contribution -- even those who contributed in a negative way
through abuse or abandonment have their objects. And either create
a prayer bundle as the Quecha do and bury it at some magic spot,
or launch it off the head of the dragon, giving it to the ocean at
Pailoa Bay
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Practice of gratitude, being present in the small moments of life
every day, counting my blessings
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Living in grace and counting your blessings as a way of being,
breathing, thinking opens all sorts of options, opportunties and
possibilities for new, deeper, and varied relationships
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
The ritual of death and funerals baffled me, but not my favorite
grandmother or very close, so did not impact intimately
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Dissociation
Life and culture in western US are rife with distractions,
avoidance, etc.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Via my writing and being able/willing to share that. Also being
able to hear and really let it in - receive the comfort offered by
others, even if the way they offer or communicate it seems strange
or inadequate
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Very thought provoking - nice prep for Bardo and dealing with my
parents illness and possible impending death
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Not at this time
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Tue Aug 1 13:48:12 2006
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I was actually looking up information on the tibetan bardo and death
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 9 Years ago.
Cause of Death: a car accident; Aged: 27.
--Details:
I was supposed to meet him at a bar that night with a mutual
friend. It was 4th of July weekend. He got tired of waiting and left.
He was in a car accident on his way home. He had been driving approx
100 mph and his car rolled 6 times. He was not wearing a seatbelt.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when someone suddenly ceases to exist in thier bodies anyomore.
There are many ideas about what happens to that soul once it is no
longer encased in a body...a lot of speculation. What happens to
that soul is what religions are based on.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wanted to die
--That first time, how it happened was
My first major experience with death was when my dog died.
She basically raised me from a baby. My parents were abusive
and neglectful. As a young toddler I was left out in the yard for
long periods of time with this St. Bernard while my mother stayed
in the house. The dog was my best friend and confidante..the only
one I had to turn to when the physical and emotional abuse escalated
as I got older.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how utterly lost I was. I couldn't make sense of it, why it had
happened at all.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Grief last beyond the time they are put in the ground. It really
seemed that after the memorial, everyone acted like things were
okay again. And they weren't.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I learned that the soul really does continue
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking with my best friend.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My family acted as if it didn't matter very much and I should
get over it immediately. They did not understand the ongoing,
long-term conection I had with him from when I was 6 until 24,
which is when he died. I had zero understanding and support from
family, which made it very difficult.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I started panicking about other loved ones. That they could die so
suddenly too. I remember being obsessed with making sure my two
youngest brothers wore seat belts and constantly nagging at them
about it. I remember getting so very angry and nearly losing it
when I caught one of them riding a motorbike without a helmet just
a few weeks after his death.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
there is a very fine line between laughter and tears, and trying
to see even the most twisted little scrap of humor is a way of
avoiding this horrible wall of grief in front of you...even if it
only lasts for a moment
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Get the unresolved things in our relationship out into the air,
instead of assuming we had more time and many more chances to get
things right. It seemed like we were never on the same page.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Where his actually body ended up. I did not want to visit his
remains, but for a while I did spend a lot of time at the place
where he actually lost his life. It was like that with the other
deaths afterwards. I had no interest in the actual physical remains.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
certain songs play on the radio, songs that he used to play for me.
Or driving past the site. I had to drive past the accident site
everytime I went back to visit my parents. There literally is no
other way to get there but to drive past the site. And it broke
my heart every time. It took years before I could drive past and
not completely fall apart. He died the early hours of the 4th of
July, and I have never been able to have a "normal" 4th since then.
Even if I'm not actively grieving, I can't be around the party
atmosphere. My nephew was born on the 4th two years after his
death and I have trouble dealing with going to a birthday party.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I know it wouldn't have been happily ever after. Relationship
patterns just don't disappear. We probably would have married,
and most likely would have divorced. But I would rather have dealt
with ongoing problems than his death.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Sometimes the pain has gotten so bad that I wish I actually had
never known him, which is blasphemous. But it's true. I used to
bargain a LOT that first year after his death. I would have given
anything just so he was still breathing and learning and loving on
this earth. But at my weakest, when I am just so tired of packing
around this grief for so long, I really do wish I had never known
him...even though he gave me the most precious lessons I've been
taught by another human being.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
collapsed to the ground, screaming.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the day of his death, christianity ended for me. I never trusted
god while I was growing up and this severed the remaining threads.
--Religious Affiliation:
My current religion is vajrayana buddhism (tibetan buddhism).
My past affiliation was non-denominational christian
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I dissociated half way through the service.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Still being able to feel him and smell him even though he no longer
had a body.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It's cyclical. It's not a linear process. You don't move through
the denial phase of grief and get to check that off the list.
Or anger or bargaining. Or any of the other official phases.
I really honestly thought I would get through a particular phase
of grief and I would at least be done with that part. But I
would be working on anger and denial would come back for a while,
or bargaining. It was very circular.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
There are things that are unresolved. I wrote him letters after
he died and it did help settle a few things. But I don't know how
to get around the biggest one, and I've been in therapy.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I was laying on the floor, crying. I had spent about 3 weeks on the
floor, unable to function in any capacity. I remember hugging my
pillow and sobbing and then this warm swirl of air blew around me.
It smelled like him, the way I always thought he smelled best...after
he had been out working in the garage on his motorbike. And there
was no explanation since I was living on the second story of an
apartment builing. No garages, no one owned motorbikes and I also
had not turned the heat on yet.
I had nightmares during the first
month after his death: scenarios of being the first one on the scene
of the accident, slow replays of the accident that I never actually
saw. In all of them not being able to do anything but watch. After a
straight month of this there was a short dream that did not involve
the accident. Instead there was just this purplish background and
he came to me and spoke to me. And the nightmres stopped after that.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not worried about it very much. Any worries would be about
the wellfare of any pets left behind. Everyone else has a support
system.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I tried different ways to get the message across that he was loved
very much and I want nothing but growth and learning and happiness
for him wherever he was. There was a place we spent a lot of time
at along the river in our home town. So I wrote poems and messages
to him, wrote down songs that had a lot of meaning to both of us
on this large rock. When the sun rose on the day of his funeral,
I threw this rock into the river from that special place.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
My parents grieved for about a day and then I was expected to get
over it. I had no one to talk to.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It's the first time I noticed a pattern in the way I've had to deal
with things.
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See Jul 06 contributions.
See Jun 06 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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