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See Current contributions.
See May 04 contributions.
See Apr 04 contributions.
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Wed Jun 30 01:51:54 2004
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Link from Grief & Loss education site
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On death & dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
elizabeth Kubler Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mentor, 6 Years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 46.
--Details:
As my mentor I had spent the last 10 weeks working closely with
her every day. I had 3 weeks before my field placement ended when
she suicided. She chose to do this at time when she knew her death
would be remembered every year when the small came alive with the
river festival and all week-end arts festival.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of this life as we know it now. Death is a physical and/or
mental state where our bodies are no longer able to sustain life,
with or without support, the ability to function either physically,
mentally, or emotionally. People have many beliefs and theories
about shat happens after death. I myself like to believe that there
is life after death or that we do get to come back and live another
life at some time.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
found it hard to believe that they no longer were with us. That
I would never have the opportunity to see that person again.
He was my friends brother and a friend of my brothers. I was not
emotionally upset at all. Just worried of hwat I should say to
my friend. As it was she was quite happy to talk about his death
how it happened, viewing the body and everything. She was my age 13
years old. Looking back I think that because my friend did share
that information with me it made it more real for me, which helped
me to accept his death.
--That first time, how it happened was
A fellow student I got to know her quite well over 2 years. she
died 12months after being diagnosed with bowel cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The finality of it. A sense of being abondened. angry with her
cause she suicided - how dare she do this to me. A sense of guilt
cause I should have noticed, I, being a social worker, should have
cared more. The impact it had on the community she lived in as well
as the larger community.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is OK to grieve for 3-5 years, for a significant person in
your life, that this is normal.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Support from the University and my Field supervisor was very
understanding of my situation.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That my partner was not able to understand how I felt. That my
mentor, who some weeks later suicided, could use the process of,
my friend, Robyn's dying from cancer and then her death, as a way
implying that her friendship with Robyn was more important than
mine by excluding me from seeing her, by telling me lies, and not
allowing me time off to go to the funeral.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
The importance of being able to say goodbye, or at least being at
the funeral. she was not a close friend so I didn't think it would
have such a big impact.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The range of emotions you go through from one minute to the next.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I would have dearly loved to have gone and seen to her, just to
let her know that I was thinking of her, I'm sure this would have
eased her pain and cheered her up.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
I had been told only family were permitted to visit and I missed
out on saying goodbye to her. This I found out later was not true. I
was not allowed time off to go to the funeral. Later which I found
I did have the right to have time off.
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Mon Jun 28 20:05:28 2004
M22 in Victorville, Ca =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
School project for Developmental Psychology
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Prof/Studies: Nurse
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquaintance, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: taking the wrong meds; Aged: 46.
--Details:
This was the mother of my boy friend...he has been my best friend
for 12 years...so she was like a second mother to me
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When the time you are suppose to spend on earth is over and you have
been a great person and fulfilled everything you need to then you
go to heaven for your afterlife...why do I believe this? I makes
it easier to know that there is something on the other side...the
what is next is answered
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was 19...It was my boy friends mother...I have known her for 12
years...I was very close to her...this happend alomst four years
ago...I feel very lucky that I was 19 when this happend I dont know
if I would of been as stong if I was younger...
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My boyfriends family fell apart...he went carzy with
drinking,parting,drug...he is doing well know...his twin brother
started writting songs and know has he own record out and their
step dad end up having a girlfriend a week later...they still live
together to this day...I cried and cried and just tried to be strong
for everyone.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not always a negative thing...when the person dying is in pain
and cant live anymore they are better off in heavan
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It made me relize that I should not take my parents for
granted...they have given me the world and they could be gone at
any minute
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Being able to talk to my mom about it...
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The hardest part about dealing with this death...my boyfriend's dad
passed away when he was 10 then his mom when he was 19 I jsut didnt
understand why both of his parents were taken away
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Say everything you nedd and want to say becasue you with never get
that chance again
--[My Acquaintance's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
how strong I am...I never knew this until this death happend
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I never knew the cause of her death until a few weeks ago
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
the only time i laughed was at the funeral(bad) the guy was bring
the flowers down to the site and he tripped and fell and roled down
this big hill...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say good bye and give her a hug and see her smile one more time
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know what a wonderful person she was
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
This might sound stupid but I was sitting on my bed and I
felt something brush against me...I was the only person in this
room...then I had tears running down my face...I wasnt sad I felt
at peace...so I ran to the door and call my boy friend and told
him what just happend and he said that it happend to him and his
brother the night before...wierd
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
all of the food and flowers the people send
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when i think of my boy frined and I getting married and his mom
wont be there...or the birth of her first grandchild which just
happend two months ago
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
She would be really happy with the way her children turned out...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That children have to live without their parents
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bing her back...take my boyfriends pain away
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I started crying
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They gave her the wrong drug!!! But at the same time i am a nurse
and I know how easy thia could happen
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
N/A
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Helping me say good bye because I know she is still looking down
on me and her sons...
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I think you are set free when you die...i dont think you have to
deal with the everday rush that we deal with on earth
--Regarding MONEY:
You see who is selfish...my boyfriend and his brother were entitled
to 50% of the money form the house that was sold...they have not
seen a penny and they dont wasnt to deal with the step dad who they
dont talk to any more
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I could not believe how many people showed up!!! A lot of people
were standing
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
WHen I would leave my boy friends house at night I would always
stop by his mom roon and talk to her...that is gone
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Knowing that it was going to happen.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
crying is what helped me the most
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have two...I was at work one day and I turned around and saw this
lady waving to me and then I looked up again and she was gone...It
looked just like my boyfriends mom...I asked the person standing
next to me if they saw someone waving to me and they said no...I
still have not told my boy friend about this I dont know if he
would think I was crazy or not...i just hold it inside and tell
myself it was her saying good bye and that she was ok
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
No issues...
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I just tell her not to worry about her kids they are doing well
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My mom says that she saw her granny standing at the end of her
bed...she does not know if it was a dream or not
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
will..
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am scared to die...I feel like i have so much to give this world
still...but if i do go i know i have loved ones on the other side
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
It helped me talking about it...
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no i just am thankful for my life
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
my boyfriend staring hangign out with people who did not know his mom
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Funeral and Rituals
Being able to talk about it
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I just listen and held my boy friend
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yeah i feel better i dont think the pain fully goes away it just
lessens a little
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Sun Jun 27 22:42:39 2004
F43 in mississippi =united states=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
searching for psychological studies on forgiveness
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Prof/Studies: paralegal
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 1990 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: .
--Details:
He was 31 years old, went to work and died of a heart attack while at
work. I was 29 years old and we had an 11 year old daughter. I don't
believe I'll ever get over it, but I've learned to pick up and go
on. He's been gone 14 years and I still talk to him, dream about him.
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--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 6 years old and I blamed my mom for taking my grandmother to
the hospital and never bringing her home.
--That first time, how it happened was
my husband of 11 years died suddenly of a heart attack.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how I fell apart and was no good to anyone, not even my daughter. I
even tried to drink away his death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I got to spend time alone with his body at the funeral home.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing he would never come back to me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't whisper. talk to them as they are dying, tell them that you
love them, that it's ok to die.
--[My Mother-in-Law's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
it's ok to die. sometimes it's a relief for the dying person to just
let go. i believe most dying people want to know it's ok to let go.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the actual moment of death. her breathing was irregular and it took
a moment to realize that she wasn't going to take another breath.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
didn't experience this
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hold him one more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell him that i loved him. it was the last words i spoke to him.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
like i am right now. i miss as much now as i ever have.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i do this. i think this year we would be married x number of years,
or he would be 45 now. would he be completely gray now?
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was so young with a family and we needed him so much.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just open the door and find him standing there.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
shock. disbelief. PAIN. anger.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
a good one. they tried very hard to save him.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
my experience with hospice was wonderful. they were so caring and
dedicated to both our patient and to the family.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
love, support
--Religious Affiliation:
methodist
--Regarding MONEY:
no issues with money
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how much we felt loved and cared for
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
hearing my mother in law talk to people who had already passed away.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a major output of urine, no bowel activity, seeing persons who
have already passed, a drop in blood pressure, rattling sound in
the chest, slow and shallow breathing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
caring for my mother in law during her final days helped me,
i knew she was dying and i believe i started grieving before she
actually died.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she recieved several visits
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i'm not sure it was ever an issue, but i look back and think i
could have done that better, or i shouldn't have said that.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would love to hear his voice one more time. he could say anything
as long as i could hear that beautiful deep voice again
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my husband talks to me in my dreams all the time. When i'm worried
or have a problem, i talk to him and 98% of the time i get an answer
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i believe a person should ALWAYS have a living will to state what
their wishes are about healthcare and death.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i have already planned my funeral, bought my marker and not too
many years ago, i did face death.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
haven't thought much about it. That i loved my family dearly and
that i was loved.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i found a friend whom i later married.
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How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
a lady i do not know called me and gave me some advice that i found
really helpful.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes
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Sun Jun 27 15:29:41 2004
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Comforable with Uncertainty
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Pema Chodron
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother-in-Law, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: throat cancer; Aged: 72.
--Details:
It was not an easy death.
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--Death Is:
the end of our physical lives. The biological engine that is our
body stops functioning. Our physical life ends, but our spirit
continues to be reborn in another physical body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused and frightened.
--That first time, how it happened was
I lived in England during the second world war. We had many sailors
and airforcemen staying at our home during their leave. Many of
them died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how helpless I felt.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
to have much better rites of passge for death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It gave me an example of how to cope with my own death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My wife, and many books that I have read.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Helping my sister to recover from her husband's death.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't tell them "time is a great healer." :) Just shut up and listen.
--[My Brother-in-Law's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
the extraordinary capacity for the mind to dominate the body in
ceertain circumstances.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when he became very frightened of dying.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
This didn't happen to me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I could have eased his fears.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Take care of my sister.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Help to keep the everyday routines of the house running as much
as possible.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
??
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am dealing with another death.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't feel this.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I don't feel that death is unfair. Death just is.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I don't feel this.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
shock, then disbelief, then anger.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The doctor was an icompetent fool. The nurses who visited were great.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They were excellent. Very supportive in every way.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I disklike and distrust organised religions. Too many wars, too
many cruelties, too much "I'm right and your wrong."
--Religious Affiliation:
Raised anglican. Currently I practice zen buddhism.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like that which joins us all with a deep spirit of comapssion.
--Regarding MONEY:
No comment really.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The deep sense of connection with the community in which he lived.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Not really.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Nothing of great note, really.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It was very important to take time out for myself, to let the
feelings wash over me.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Nothing of this kind.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
No experiences like this.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Shortly after his death I was fixing my sister's car (a job he
usually did) and his presence with me while I worked was powerful. A
watchfulness and an approval that was very moving to me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Meditation.
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I was very young - under five.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
Being very young I didn't properly understand what was happening.
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Sat Jun 26 04:15:52 2004
F40 in Millington, TN =USA=
Email: <Bracy1010-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Lung Cancer; Aged: .
--Details:
My father had inoperable lung cancer and had both radiation and
chemo therapy. Although we knew at some point that his healt would
get progressively worse, he seemed to be someone what improving or
holding his own. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. I knew that
he would die, but I thought that it would be a progressive thing.
It never occurred to me that he might die suddenly like he did.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Another part of our journey. For the ill, it is a release from
pain and sickness.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was of course sad, but also very moved in a way that I can't
explain.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I just remember that it was hard to believe that he was really
gone. His death did not happen as I had expected.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I think that as hard as it is to face death and deal with it,
that people should see if more as a natural thing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
For the time that I was able to spend with my dad before he died
andn also that I was able to be there with him.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
trying to figure out how to help everyone else and also get myself
together. Some days it was hard to function
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just be present and supportive. There may be no words to say,
but being there at this time will be a big help to the family.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have learned from both my father's life and death. I have learned
that there are blessings in all things and that we can do more than
we think we can.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I don't remember anything specific. But this is a very odd time
for families. It is a time to cry and laugh and to remember the
ones that we love.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I have no regreats and this gives me alot of peace. But I do wish
that I had had more time with my dad.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be with my dad and know that he was in no pain and that he did not
suffer, and that he was not alone.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
It sounds very strange, but one thing that struck me was after my
father died andn we left the hospital. We went to the parking lost
and got in our car and people were driving and goung through the
drive through at Burger King and I remember thinking that thw world
was still going on. For us in that hospital room, time seemed to
stand still.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I don't worry about trivial things anymore. Those things are not
important to me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm at the point now where I can talk about him and remember and
share without getting upset, but then there are times when the
tears seem to be right there under the surface and sometimes,
I'm caught offguard by emotion when I least expect it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think that about the things that have happened since my fathers
death. I graduated from college. My daughter had a baby and I
just wonder what my dad would have thought of these things.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I don't know that I ever entertained this notion.
It just didn't
seem like a productive thing to think that way.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stay in my room and cry
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
When the service was over and they were getting ready to take put
the casket in the hearse, I lost it. It was then that I knew that
this was final.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I was happy with the care that my dad received. We were fortunate
to have very compassionate and nice people.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
my dad passed away before his illness progressed to that point,
but we knew at some point that this was his choice.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I had the hope and promise of eternal life. I know that my father
lives on outside of this realm.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian / Baptist
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I felt that everyone was watching me to see how I was reacting
to things. To see how I was doing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
we never know when or how we will be taken. Sometimes there
are signs and sometimes there are not. Take advantage of every
opportunity you have to say what you feel and to tell them things
that are important.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I dont know how to address this, I feel at times that I am still
grieiving.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I am very blessed in this way. I had no unresolved issues or
feelings with my dad. And I am so thankful for that. I am at
total peace with that part of things.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I don't think of this anymore. I would love to have had more time
with my dad. I would give up everything fo rone more minute for
one more hour, but even if I had more time, it would never be enough.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My mom had experienced chest pains and I took her to the ER and
they ended up keeping her overnight. I left about 1 am to come
home and when I was driving, I realized this scent. It was like
my dad was sitting in the seat next to me. I could smell the way
that his clothes smelled and I felt that he was there with me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
People should have a living will. They shoud have an active part
in all decision making regarding their care for as a long as they
are able. The should communicate their wishes to their families.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would like to be able to die the way that I want to. I want my
wishes to be known and respected by my family and friends.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Loving, caring daughter, sister, wife mother and friend.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
my kids and I often talk about my dad and share memories and it
has helped us to heal.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have learned to appreciate the simple things in my life more.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have made some new friends becasue of this experience.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
Knowing that I had time with my father to do and say the things that
I wanted to. And not having any regrets about not being there for
him during his illness.
Helping my mother to deal with the loss of my father somewhat
hindered my own grieving for him.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Becasue of this whole experience, I have become a hospice volunteer.
I find that it is something that I can do. It was a way turn
something that I experienced as a way to help someone else.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It has given me more compassion and understanding for what people
go through when they are facing the death of a loved one and also
the afterwards.
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Fri Jun 25 23:26:45 2004
M15 in Charlotte, North Carolina =United States=
Name: Ryan
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i was look for psych test
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Prof/Studies: Highshcool student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Adventures of a Psychic Book Series
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sylvia Browne
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 10 Years ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: .
--Details:
My mother found her on her bed. She died during the night in
her sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The passing of the spirit to the spirit world thats sort of like
a heaven.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was really little and dont really remember it
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the funeral and me looking at my grandmothers casket
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To get over the person that died and know that they are still
with you.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It probably ended some suffering for my grandmother.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My parents said i would still talk to her sometimes and have
conversations.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing I wouldnt see that person for a long time
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just act like you regularly would toward him or her. Tell them
that you care for and love them.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Dealt with death
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Get to know her longer so i can remember her better.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Meet and play with her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I saw her body in the casket
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i dont get sad about it
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she had to die so early
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I just said ok.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
sad
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
A little oxygen tank with tubes going through her nose
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
it lets me know that they are ok
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My mother said she heard hands clapping in the hallway one night
and she felt it was her grandmother. and me and my would would
claim to have seen and spoken to her
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be fine with it. i would worry about not being able to do
everything i wanted to do in life. especially love
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
was a smart boy, a good friend and died happy
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
my spiritual beliefs involves being able to see and speak to passed
love ones after they have died through meditation(astral projection)
to the spirit world
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? My Belief System
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Wed Jun 23 11:34:28 2004
F48 in canton, michigan =usa=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Prof/Studies: automotive tech.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 01 Months ago.
Aged: 82
--Details:
although all through my life i have been taught to believe to be
absent from the body is to be present with the Lord and to rejoice
when a loved one has made a transition, and that God does not make
any any mistakes, and "look how long she lived" comments. and
also the fact that i am a 48 yr. old woman. i am very angry and
upset with the circumstances and the gross neglect by my mother's
physicians leading up to her death.i hope i will not run out of space
by sharing my story,and really this is the first outlet i have found
since my mother's transition. no. 1 i am was my mother's only child
although we did not live together i saw her every day of my life
(unless i went out of town) this was not because she demanded it
but this is what i chose to do. i loved her very much and it was
important for me to know that she knew it , in every way also that
just because she was getting older that she was not a burden to
me. anyway... she lived a good life and was very health concious
and went to doctor on a regular basis
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the soul leaving the body. and the flesh (body) goes into a permanant
sleep stage.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
STOP JUDGING AND PLACING TIME LIMITS ON HOW LONG I SHOULD
GREIVE!!!!an also because you are a adult that you should just get
on with your life and get over it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my mother did not suffer physicaly for along time this was most
comforting because did not have anything wrong with her mind and was
fully aware that her bodily functions were all shutting down,she was
always a very independant strong woman and for her not to be able
to control what her body was doing and totally have to depend on
strangers in a hospital to help her it was the ultimate humiliation
and i am thankful for her sake it lasted all of three weeks.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that i knew that this thing death is final
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just vanish
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
i can't talk to her anymore. i won't be able to kiss her cheeks
anymore , i am not important to anyone else any more, i am alone.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
that they just don't care about the elderly that if a person lives
over the age of 75 that that is long enough i especially feel that
physicians from other cultures and countries have that feeling and
the bottom line is that they are in the business of making money
only. as far as really caring that does not exist anymore they
can't even fake it.
--Regarding MONEY:
that was not a issue in my case as stated earlier my mother was a
very strong and independent woman she was also money wise and me
having no children or siblings i guess i should be grateful that
i did not have to worry about money.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i was not present when my mother initially past on ( i had just
arrived home from the hospital only to be called to return because
she was gone)but upon arrival back to the hospital and i went in
to see her she was so beautiful and she looked as though 25years
had been erased from her face. she looked calm and she "glowed"
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Tue Jun 22 20:54:49 2004
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
Name: mickey
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: union business rep
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More personal info:
38 yr male father of 2 and husband when my head
is there!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 Years ago.
Cause of Death: dibties; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
loss of part of ones self
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
buired my feelings
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
loss
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
time dose not heal shit!!!!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
being there for them
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
had none
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
had no support
--[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dont close down once you start its hard to pull out
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
shock helplessness
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
i havent!
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Another Death
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Tue Jun 22 20:54:43 2004
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
Name: mickey
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: union business rep
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More personal info:
38 yr male father of 2 and husband when my head
is there!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 Years ago.
Cause of Death: dibties; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
loss of part of ones self
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
buired my feelings
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
loss
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
time dose not heal shit!!!!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
being there for them
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
had none
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
had no support
--[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dont close down once you start its hard to pull out
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
shock helplessness
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
i havent!
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Another Death
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Fri Jun 18 11:00:17 2004
F67 in Fort Washington, Maryland =USA=
Email: <vwb420-at-yahoo.com>
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
My religious belief in both reincarnaton and resurrection
Death is a turning point, a trnsformation, a change wherein
the trappings of mortality are removed and the clothing of
transphysicality is adorned for a new life in the cosmos.
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Fri Jun 18 00:26:42 2004
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
God through others (I hope)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 15 Years ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 70 something.
--Details:
I was just getting old enough to realize that she wouldn't always
be there, and then she was gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of existance on this plane. Death happens to all living
creatures on Earth, and our technologies have not yet developed a
way in which to stop it from happening.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I have not yet experienced someone's death, but right now I would
probably have a bit of a nervous breakdown over it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
when they lowered my grandma into the ground, and I realized that
she was gone.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
umm, where we go when we die?
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
when my girlfriend's very sick uncle died and it put him out of
his misery.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my parents and family were very caring and supportive.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
realizing that she was gone for good.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
holding and reassuring them. Just being there for a much needed hug.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to tell people that I loved them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I couldn't understand why we needed to grow old and die to begin
with. Why can't we all just live forever?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didn't laugh, I cried a lot.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let her know how much I loved and appreciated her, and how sorry
I was that I couldn't spend more time with her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know her well enough that her death mattered to me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we sang "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" at the funeral. It was her
favorite song and we all knew it was what she wanted.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the flower arrangements. It just seemed wasteful to have all those
flowers there, it's not like she was there to enjoy them. Funerals
are for the living, not the dead.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I go to bed at night, and I think about how short life is.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
She was getting senile in old age and calling my parents at strange
hours. I guess that would have continued and only gotten worse were
she still alive.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that we are put on this earth with no idea why we exist or if
anything lies beyond this mortal existance.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stop time and everyone could exist without growing old.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didn't really process it. I had to see the body before it sunk in,
it was like a dream.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
sadness. I think it's sad that we have yet to figure out ways to
slow cell degeneration or stop death all together. It's depressing
to think of how limited "Modern" medicine really is.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a feeling of hope that the medical and scientific community could
not offer.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
somewhat idealistic. It makes me question if it really is the same
for all. Maybe some people simply cease to exist, while others are
able to transcend this reality.
--Regarding MONEY:
arguments over inheritance and divisions within the family.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how stuffy the funeral seemed. I don't remember anyone joking
or laughing.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
thinking of all the things that would change.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
craziness. She simply slipped further and further into unreality.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was hard because I was so young at the time
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't know if this existed for her, but I hope it did for her sake.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
I'm still very uncomfortable with it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Knew it was coming
The constant thoughts that it WILL come no matter what I do
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Thu Jun 17 20:54:09 2004
F41 in Kansas City, KS =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Assoc. In Applied Science
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: drowning; Aged: 45.
--Details:
Death seemed very suspicous, yet they never called it a homicide.
A lot of unanswered questions.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A point in the human life, in which the heart stops beating and
blood ceases to circulate oxygen to major organs and the brain.
All though the body dies the spirit leaves the body and proceeds
to the afterlife.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was too young to feel the pain of it. I remember feeling sad for
my grandmother, as it was her mother that passed away.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Unable to believe that my best friend was gone. I still very much
miss her and visit her grave often.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
What the spirit goes on in to.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The time I did have with my best friend, and the memeories that I
live on in life with of her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking Talking Talking and seeking the answers to the vast number
of questions I had.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not knowing for sure if she really died by drowning or if she
was murdered.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To keep their memory alive, and visit the burial site often.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Sought after the answeres regarding her death, and hopefully one
day will be able to have those responsible pay for her death as so
she did not die in vain.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Not knowing if she was murdered or not.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I started screaming no no no, and cried harder than I ever have in
my life before.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
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Thu Jun 17 11:23:46 2004
F32 in Apple Valley, California =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Developmental Psychology Professor - Part of Term Paper
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Neice, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: abuse; Aged: 13 months.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The stopping of necessary organs that inhibit us from continuing
to exist in this world as we know it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked at how the expectation of seeing that person in the
places that they normally would have been. It seemed so final.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
all of us wondering why such a sensless and horrific thing could
happen to someone so young and innocent. It seemed to have no
point - no lesson.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it lasts for a long time. It is alright to cry, even many
years later, and death is sad. People are intimadated by other
people's sorrow.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The fact that the funeral was paid for by the Victims advocate fund.
This meant so much because no one had anticipated having to bury
someone so young. No one had money and it was important that the
funeral was nice, rather than have the remains sent to Potter's
Field.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Family was very supportive, but it was going through the trial and
getting a life sentence for the murderer that allowed some closure
and justice to be felt.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
It was so tragic and so needless. It was hard to deal with the
guilt of knowing that a person was capable of doing something like
this and none of us were able to stop it. All family members felt
they should have known and should have been there for Savannah.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just be there. I believe it is important that one be present.
When my friend died a few months ago of cancer, it was just
important to be in the same room where she knew we were there when
she looked up. No one had to talk, no one had to do anything and
no one needed to feel uncomfortable. Reading to my friend was also
a very important activity. The sound of someone's voice was good
for her. She knew people were there even if she were drifting in
and out of consciousness.
--[My Neice's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am more intent on telling those around me how much I care about them.
It is possible that they may not be here tomorrow, as I may not.
Life is so short. It is precious and death has reminded me that
I need people.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I am still confused about why. What was the purpose? I don't feel
that life leasons for each of us was worth the price of Savannah.
It seems pointless. I don't feel comfortable with the finality
of death.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
enjoy having Savannah around more. With children you most likely
expect to have them around for a long time. I had opportunities to
share in her life more than I had. I thought life would be longer
and time would make up for this.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
at the funeral the brother was running around, to young to know what
had happened, all adults focused on mourning and I realized that
Austin was still here. It impressed upon me that though Savannah
was dead, Austin wasn't and though death is sad, life goes on.
It made me realize how much I love, and who I love. It wasn't worth
mourning to the point that those that are still alive around us
are neglected or pushed aside. Through the sadness, there was hope.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I watch television and another child is shown, murdered, raped, hurt.
I also have a difficult time looking a pictures. It is hard to
see such a precious part of life taken away.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it was so sudden, not fair, stupid and I didn't have a chance to
notice warning signs. Not that it would have mattered, but maybe
the night of Savannah's death if only one of us had realized sooner
then it might have been possible to have saved her.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring her back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
thought that there was a mistake. I thought that once the doctors
looked again they could fix what was wrong. The hard part is that
they may have been able to if Savannah were taken to emergency
sooner than she was. That is hard to accept.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I did not deal with hospice for Savannah, but have dealt in other
deaths with hospice. I was impressed at the level of compassion that
was seen and I was impressed with the comfort that was administered.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that there is not a final end to the relationship. The relationship
was important and the hope that there may be another chance makes
death not so frightening.
--Religious Affiliation:
an Episcopalian.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
as if perhaps death is the great equalizer.
--Regarding MONEY:
there wouldn't have been enough to pay for the funeral if Savannah
was not a victim of a violent crime. That is sad!
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I remember most was the preacher being such a hiprocrite.
The false-hood of the man was appauling. The symbolism in the
funeral ritual was comforting, along with the fact that some toys
and a "friendship" necklace was buried with her, helped comfort us
in the concern that she be peaceful. It was wierd that we were so
concerned with how peaceful she "felt". It almost seems silly now,
but was so important at the time.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the fact that at some of our family gatherings, Savannah is such a
presence that it seems as if she is there. I almost see her running
in the park and I think that I must get her before she runs into
the parking lot, yet when I get up it isn't her at all. It is
another child and sometimes they don't even look that much like her.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The hardest issue to face is the anger and guilt. I have sought
help with family and friends, as well as a professional therapist.
Some days are better than others. I have learned that it does get
easier with time, but there will always be a part of me that feels
there was a great unjustice committed. I don't let it consume my
life though, because life is just to short.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My own death will come. I recognize that. I do often wonder what
people will say about me when I am gone. Not that I live my life
according to what other people think about me, but it has made
me stop and look at my actions in different situations. I have
made better choices based on the thought that I won't always be
here and I want my family and friends to remember me positively.
I want them to have fond stories to tell and remember good times.
It helps when picking your battles.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I always light a candle in church for Savannah. It seems silly
sometimes, and I don't always believe that it makes a difference,
but I light a candle in rememberance of her. It does give me some
peace. I hate that death brings about forgetfulness. I don't want
to forget her, otherwise her birth, then death would be pointless
and all for nought.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still pray for her also. Just a quick prayer of thanksgiving for
having her for the amount of time we did and I ask God to take care
of her. The funny thing is that I really don't believe that strongly
about whether this is truly important for her. I do feel stronly
about how I feel though. It helps me to keep her memory alive.
I pray for her in a similar manner to the way I pray for the rest
of the neices and nephews. I just want "God" to know that I miss
her and love her. It is my way of expressing that.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
The only thing I can say is that I am alot more expressive with
the surviving children. I make sure that I hug and kiss them,
even when they balk.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
Murder is so sensless
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It has been helpful for dealing with some issues I forgot I had.
It was nice to express some of my feelings and it was a nice reminder
about what I did learn from my experience.
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Thu Jun 10 16:04:17 2004
F27 in Jersey City, New Jersey =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 11 Months ago.
Cause of Death: I'm not sure, she had many health issues; Aged: mid 80's.
--Details:
My Grandmother died almost one year ago. She was admitted in the
hospital for health issues which I am not familiar with, although I
believe that she had some issues with pnemonia and the functioning
of her lungs. At the time of my Grandmother's hospital stay, I
had marital issues, which included domestic violence. The day my
Grandmother passed away from the hospital, I too, was in the hospital
dealing with the possibility that the baby I had been carrying for
7 months might no survive due to this domestic violence incident.
Because of this, I was not able to say good bye to my Grandmother
before she died. This is something that hurts me deeply, to
this day.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is the end of physical life and the beginning of eternity
for the human soul.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was 14 years old. The lady who died was the mother of a close
family friend. We had spent quite a bit of time with her and came
to know her as a "grandmother" figure.
--That first time, how it happened was
The lady who died was the mother of a close family friend. We had
spent quite a bit of time with her and came to know her as a
"grandmother" figure.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was not with my Grandmother when she passed away. I have strong
feelings of guilt because I was not able to share my feelings with
her before she had passed away. This is something I have had a
hard time forgiving myself for.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is inevitable and I don't feel that people should be so much
"scared" of it. It is the natural process of life. A lot of people
don't look at death as a beginning, but as an end, which is probably
the most common perception of death. Death brings out the "selfish"
side of people because many times, you reflect upon how you would
feel if someone you knew died, rather than how that person might feel
because they are living. This statement is in reference to those
who have a fatal illness and are suffering with unbearable pain.
It is hard to remove yourself from this situation when making a
decision regarding death and it is even harder to put yourself in
someone's shoes who might not want to live anymore because death
is always associated with something that is considered to be the
"ultimate punishment or consequence."
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My Grandmother died in her sleep and she did not have to suffer
through daily pain and agony anymore.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Honestly, I have not allowed myself to bring this issue to the
forefront. I am not ready to deal with my Grandmother's death.
When I think about it, my mind becomes so cloudy and I can't process
any complete thought. I think this is my way of trying to control
my emotions.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I had so many things going on within my immediate life, I have
not taken the time to sort out my feelings and to comprehend how
my Grandmother's death has affected me. I know it has because I
feel the pain when I talk about it, but I refuse to understand why,
and most of the time, I refuse to allow myself to feel any emotion
regarding this.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Make them feel loved. Allow them to pass with no doubt that they
were valued and that their spirit will live on even after their
physicality has died.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
feel that it is important to deal with issues of death, especially
when it involves a loved one so close to you. Supressing feelings
is not healthy and because I have done this for so long, I believe
that it is much harder for me to deal with these feelings almost a
year after her death, than it might have been to confront them when
it happened. I say this because I have mentally forced myself to be
unaware of my feelings regarding this incident. This has brought up
other issues in my life. For example, I now feel guilty, not only
for neglecting to say good bye, but for viewing her death as I do.
At this point, I would have preferred to have happy memories of her,
instead of any type of emotion that is negative. I feel like she
deserves more than that. Everytime I think of her, only negative
feelings about myself arise (i.e. guilt, regret).
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I tried to comprehend why God would allow her to pass away,
knowing that I was in a situation that I could not properly tell
her good bye. I've thought about this extensively and realizing
that my Grandmother died on the day my baby's life was saved,
I feel like she might have had a part in that.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughing has always been a way of supressing my feelings and
releasing my stress. Unlike others, I usually will release my
stress by attempting to lighten the mood of the moment. As they say,
it's like a "weight being lifted off of your shoulders."
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
As stated in previous answers, tell my Grandmother how much I loved,
appreciated and valued her. I also felt it was important to let
her know that I carry her in my heart wherever I go.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Understand that she was in a better place where pain and hurt did
not exist. I was thankful that my Grandmother would not have to
hurt anymore.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I can not think of anything at this time.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I can not think of anything at this time.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I watch something on television that relates to my situation or
when I dream about my Grandmother and I when I was a child.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would definitely take advantage of every moment I had with my
Grandmother. I would have taken the initiative to visit her more
because I don't think WHAT you have in life is of any significance,
it's WHO you have. I would definitely emphasis how important my
Grandmother was to me, even as an adult and how much I respected
her and cherished her.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I don't recall having this thought. I have never associated death
with being "unfair." As I stated earlier, it is a natural process,
it is inevitable, sometimes sooner than expected. In my situation, I
would not consider it sooner than expected because no matter how much
time in advance you know, I don't think you can ever fully prepare
yourself for the effects a loved one's death will have on you.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Have one more chance to tell my Grandmother why I never called her
in the hospital to say goodbye and tell her everything I wanted
to say before she died. I feel like this is the only way I could
start dealing with both my grief and my guilt.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Although we were warned by my Grandmother's doctor that she did not
have much longer to live, I was still dumb-founded to discover she
had passed away. At first, I was numb, then I tried to rationalize
it by telling myself, "I knew it was going to happen." Then, when
I had realized I had not properly said good bye, the inital pain
had hit me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
It is a positive view. I feel my Grandmother got exceptional care
during her last days. I was informed that her nurses were very
nurturing to her while she passed.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I'm not very religious, but I was secure in the fact that my
Grandmother would be with God in a better place.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholisism.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
familiar. I too believe that the physical body is the only thing
that passes. I believe that the person is present with us every
day and subconciously influences our life experiences.
--Regarding MONEY:
It did not play an issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I did not attend my Grandmother's funeral. She lived in New Jersey
when she passed. At the time, I was living in Hawaii.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Grasping the concept that my Grandmother was NOT coming back. It is
hard to grasp the finalities of death or to deal with something
that is irreversible and unchangable.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I think it was helpful to understand that my Grandmother was ill
and that she would not be coming home from the hospital. Mentally,
you could prepare yourself, but emotionally, I was not ready for all
of the feelings that were associated with this incident. I thought
because I had some inital warning that my emotions would be rational
and logical, like my thought process. this was not the case at all.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I was frightened of grieving because I feel like when you grieve,
you are not in control of your emotions. I am the type of person
that is not necessarily comfortable with this concept. Also,
because I have tremendous guilt about my Grandmother's death,
I have not completely allowed myself to grieve for her loss.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I do not know of any experiences my Grandmother might have had.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Previously, I discussed how I felt guilty because I had not the
opportunity to properly say my good-bye's. I wish I knew how to
resolve them, but I think the first thing I need to do is forgive
myself, because I think my Grandmother already has. I was thinking
that maybe writing a note would allow me to profess my feelings.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell my Grandmother that I loved her, she was my heart.
I would make sure she knew that she was such a positive influence on
my life and that I appreciate all that she has done for me. I would
also tell her that her spirit would never die within my heart.
I think if I had the opportunity to tell her this, I would be able
to think of the positives times I have had with her, instead of
always thinking of this negative guiltly feeling clouding her memory.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
As I stated above, my Grandmother passed on the day my baby's life
was saved. I feel like she was my baby's angel.
Also, I have
had dreams about her which entail her asking me why I didn't love her
enough to tell her good bye. I don't think these are the words of my
Grandmother's spirit. I think they are more so words of my concious.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have already made a will, which has given legal custody of my
children to their paternal Grandmother. I have also informed
relatives that I am an organ doner. The only organ I want to be
buried with is my heart. This is important to me....it's where
all my precious memories are stored.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would feel thankful that I was able to live life at all. Life is
a gift, no matter how small, or in this case, how short the time
is on earth. I would be sad I would not see my babies grow up,
but I would be grateful to know so I could live life to the fullest
until my death.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Nicole Marie Tupkielewicz, died at age 27. She was the daughter
of Fred and Joyce Tupkielewiz, sister to 5 older siblings, and
mother to two children. Nicole was a happy person who always
evoked her positive spirit outward to others. She was a generous
and loving person. Nicole was a strong-willed individual who
looked forward to challenges in life and overcoming the odds.
Nicole always picked herself up when she fell, but never took
the time to "dust herself off" before revisiting the challenge.
Nicole has influenced many people in positive ways and her spirit
will be with us as we send her to a better place.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have not developed any method like this to cope.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have not had this experience.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
At this stage of my life, I don't think I understood the finality
that was associated with death.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Dissociation
I mentally removed myself from this situation because at that point,
I felt that was the "easiest" way for me to deal with the death.
I felt that if I dissociated myself, then I had technically moved
on, thus meaning, I had "dealt" with the death.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish someone would have helped me to say good bye to my Grandmother
in some way. I wish someone maybe would have told me that it was
okay, or that my brother, who was with her when she died who have
informed me that she maybe knew how much I loved her. He did not,
and we do not talk regularly, so I will always wonder if she knew
how important she was to me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionnaire was awesome. It definitely helped me sort out
some issues I have about my Grandmother's death. It makes you think
and forces you to become aware of feelings that you might have been
supressing, as in my case. Also, it makes you think about things
that you do not on an every day basis.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I might like to see more questions about how we might view our own
death, or how we perceive our own deaths. That would be interesting
to explore.
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Wed Jun 9 21:49:15 2004
F44 in San Diego, California =United States=
Name: Diane
Email: <drh92119-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: legal profession
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
At Peace in the light; I'll hold you in Heaven; On Death and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Dannion Brinkley; Jack Hayford; Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Neice, 1 Years ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 23.
--Details:
On 11-04-02, my 23 yr old niece and 7 yr old nephew were killed in
a roll over accident in Albq. New Mexico. Neither had their seat
belt on. My niece's 4 yr old daughter and nephew's twin sister were
also in the vehicle towing a u haul trailer which was being driven
by their mother. The truck began to fish tail, she lost control and
rolled the vehicle. My niece's chest was crushed by the hydralic
bracking system on the trailer and my nephew was almost decapitated
when he went out through the windshield.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a permanent process of elimination of people from the earth and
leaves only memories of who you once were. Death is a fear of
the unknown.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried (my grandfather) and was afraid to touch him at the funeral
home because being only 9 yrs old at the time I though if I did
touch him then I would die also.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how different a broken heart felt compared to a heart that has
been literally shattered and crushed into a million tiny pieces.
An overwhelming feeling of what "empty" truely felt like.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
People are afraid to talk about death to those that are dying and the
dying don't want to talk about it to those that are still living.
Those that have come to terms with the fact that they are dying
really do want to talk about it but have no one they can talk to.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
About 30 minutes prior to receiving the phone call about my niece and
nephew being killed, I was at work and walking into my office and
my body started to feel very strange, light headed and dizzy. This
feeling lasted less than one minute. I sincerely believe that it
was my niece who had come to say good bye.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My up bringing.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I didn't get to tell my niece and nephew how much I loved them and
as for my nephew, I feel I was robbed of getting to know this little
boy since we lived in different states and didn't get to see a lot
of each other.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Talk to the person about dying and how the person feels about it.
--[My Neice's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
remind people to always wear their seat belts because even a drive
to the corner store can get you killed. Death doesn't always tell
you he is coming.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first got the call from my brother, I thought he was telling me
that he was in an accident and I told him not to worry, he could
always get another job.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I always laugh when in a situation of fear and sometimes sadness.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know my nephew a lot more and tell my niece all the times
I wasn't the nicest person to her was because I was trying "tough
love" on her because of the problems she got herself into.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk to my niece the night before the accident if only for just
a moment.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a song on the radio or see someone who resembles my niece or
nephew and when my niece's daughter asks me a question like "Auntie,
why did my mommy have to die?" and I come back with an answer to
the effect that "I guess God needed her mommy more than we do"
and she says no, she needs her more than he does.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
they are too young to die. I also recall being very mad at God
for taking them away.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
relieve the days, months and years prior to the accident.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
told my brother he was lying and then I threw my cell phone across
my office.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
respect
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
lack of money caused my niece to finally be buried 1 1/2 months
AFTER the accident. Today, she still is without a headstone.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the sadness that hung in the air for my nephew and some giggles
and laughs for my niece who always had a way of getting herself
into some off the wall situations.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I felt an impending doom weeks prior to the accident and felt there
would be an accident but thought it would involve myself. The night
before the accident, I remember thinking to myself "at least no
one in my family ever dies in a car accident"
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
talk about it as much as you can and talk about all the good and
fun times spent with the person(s) who died.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel that my issue(s) with my niece have been resolved and she
understands that at times when I appeared mean, it was my way of
"tough love".
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
In 1993, I had a dream about my dad (he died in 1989)a day or so
prior to another nephew (3 months old) dying after having heart
surgery. He drove up in his car and surprised me and I asked him
what he was doing here. He told me "I always come when one of mine
needs me." My dad always refered to us kids as "one of mine." The
next day or so, my little nephew passed away.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
have a will and also a will that states your wishes about rather
or not to keep you alife.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't want to know when I'm going to die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
built a website for my niece and nephew.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Many people shy away from the people who are left behind because
they don't know what to say to the person over their recent loss so
they avoid you. I told one co worker who asked me how I was doing
when I returned to work that I knew she was feeling at a loss for
words and uncomfortable, I would to but just the fact that she even
said hello, how are you doing and I'm so sorry was a lot better
than nobody saying anything at all.
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Mon Jun 7 20:04:05 2004
F42 in San Diego, california =us=
Name: laura preble
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
random search
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Prof/Studies: high school teacher, writer
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom, Elizabeth
Kubler-Ross works, Thicht Nacht Hahn No Death, No Fear, and a book
in reincarnation by a Yale scientist that I can't now remember
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
see above
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 Days ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 70.
--Details:
She had smoked for 40 years, but had stopped six years ago, so we
all thought she had avoided cancer. She finally went to the doctor
for what she thought was bronchitis, and found it was stage 4 lung
cancer. She responded horribly to chemo, even the lowest dose,
and within three weeks was hospitalized four times. I barely had
time to come back and see her, and did not have any quality time
visiting with her.We had, however, kept in touch weekly by phone
and had visited at Christmas.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like the breaking down of a vehicle that simply stops running. When
it breaks down, the driver (the soul) must get out and find
alternative modes of transport, leaving the broken vehicle to rust.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt scared and distant.That was my grandfather's death when I was
15. It was important, but not emotional. I have since seen him twice.
--That first time, how it happened was
My mother died yesterday, after a very short period of illness. It
was a shock, and very difficult to absorb quickly. I live 3000
miles from my hometown while the rest of my family live nearby.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my father weeping over my mother, telling her to go down the tunnel,
telling her we wanted her to go and end her suffering, singing
the song "Picnic" to her and telling her she was still the most
beautiful girl he'd ever met.
--What I think my (us) culture needs to better learn about death is:
allowing the emotional expression of grief. I am very expressive,
and my family tends to stuff unpleasant emotion. They think of me
as high-strung, but I simply express what I feel. They clean, cook,
organize or throw things.I guess it all works, sort of.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my sisters and I all had our children three years prior to mom's
death. We didn;'t think we were going to have any at all, since we
were all older. Also, I'm so glad I made it home before my mother
died, and that she had minimal suffering compared to many cancer
patients.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
writing, remembering funny things my mom did, looking at her things,
driving alone in my dad's car through the town I grew up in, reading
THE FIVE PEOPEL YOU MEET IN HEAVEN and playing with my baby, who
looks just like I did as a baby. Life goes on, and my mother lives
in us and continues.Hospice was also a blessing.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Seeing them take her out of her bedroom on a gurney, and seeing my
dad crying over her.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't pretend that everything is okay, because it's not and everyone
knows it. don't be afraid to make jokes. be forgiving, because lots
of people react in strange ways when they are stressed. And tell them
anything you've always wanted to tell thembut held back, if there is
anything. If possible, ask questions about their life. I couldn';t
do that bec. my mom couldn't talk, and that was one big regret I
had. I tried for years to get her to tape record stories of her life,
but she felt they were inconsequential. No one is inconsequential.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
really respect thehonor and value of a simple life well lived, and
realize the rarity of simply raising children and being a good wife.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was angry at her for being sick. Then I felt guilty for being
angry.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
didn't do that
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have a really good conversation with her and tape record her stories.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get on a plane and come back. I almost didnt' do it, because
everyone thought she had months to live. I knew I had to come back,
so I just went wiht that instinct. I also brought my kids and
husband, so she got to see them. Also, I taught my 19-month old
son to know who grandma was, even if he hardly ever saw her. I
held up her picture every morning and told him it was grandma,
and he gave her a kiss. So when she was in the hospital, I said,
"where's grandma>?" and he pointed to her. I was really happy .
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
too9 soon...I still crya lot
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
No pain. No calories.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my mom, a good person, is suffering and dying while other
horrible people live and prosper.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep a lot
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I laid my head next to her head on the pillow and kissed her neck
as if that would wake her up. It was a very child like thing to do,
and surprising.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
great compassion and understanding. It is a hard job to work with
terminal patients, and families tend to get upset and take it out
on the medical personnel. They were all kind and caring and still
professional.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Very brief, but they were amazingly helpful. Angelic people.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
steady decline followed by a brief burst of energy about fou hours
prior to actual death.It's as if the person wants to give it one
last go before they give up.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
grieving was hard bec. I wasn't here. ONce I was physically here,
itr was much easier.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Mom couldn't talk or respond. I wish she could have. My dad has had
a near death experience, though, and my great grandmother saw her
dead husband nad parents coming for her. We have several stories
like that in my family.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My dad, a definite non-religioius man, nearly died after an
open-heart surgery in his 20s. He saw the tunnel of light, saw Jesus,
even though he didnt' believe in him. He told Jesus he needed to
come back because h had just married and had kids, and if he coudl
come back, he woudl dedicate his life to being a good person. He
did. He came back and started soup kitchens and a St. Vincent De
Paul society in our town of Lima, Ohio, and has helped the poor
since I was a little girl. He passed that on to all of us too.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Not recently, but my grandfather visited me when I was giving birth
to my son. He told me it would all be allright, and that I needed
to keep working when I wnated to give up. Or maybe I just wanted
to see him...I don't know. But my mom said I also saw him in my
20s and told her about it. I don't remember that, though.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I now want to be an organ donor.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Yes- I don't wnat to die soon because I have a small child. However,
I am looking forward to finding out what happens after we die. I
used to be a journalist, and I'm curious.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote her eulogy the day before she died.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I plan to exercise. I never smoked, but I want to be as healthy as
possible so I can be here longer for my sons.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Therapy
books, talking, crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Death Vigil
The hardest thing was watching for my mother to die. My dad, a
very stoic midwesterner, was ripped apart by it, and that broke my
heart. Also, seeing her suffer made it very difficult.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Good. I skipped ones that didn't apply
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Mon Jun 7 19:55:34 2004
F42 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
random search
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom, Elizabeth
Kubler-Ross works, Thicht Nacht Hahn No Death, No Fear, and a book
in reincarnation by a Yale scientist that I can't now remember
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
see above
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 Days ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 70.
--Details:
She had smoked for 40 years, but had stopped six years ago, so we
all thought she had avoided cancer. She finally went to the doctor
for what she thought was bronchitis, and found it was stage 4 lung
cancer. She responded horribly to chemo, even the lowest dose,
and within three weeks was hospitalized four times. I barely had
time to come back and see her, and did not have any quality time
visiting with her.We had, however, kept in touch weekly by phone
and had visited at Christmas.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like the breaking down of a vehicle that simply stops running. When
it breaks down, the driver (the soul) must get out and find
alternative modes of transport, leaving the broken vehicle to rust.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt scared and distant.That was my grandfather's death when I was
15. It was important, but not emotional. I have since seen him twice.
--That first time, how it happened was
My mother died yesterday, after a very short period of illness. It
was a shock, and very difficult to absorb quickly. I live 3000
miles from my hometown while the rest of my family live nearby.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my father weeping over my mother, telling her to go down the tunnel,
telling her we wanted her to go and end her suffering, singing
the song "Picnic" to her and telling her she was still the most
beautiful girl he'd ever met.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
allowing the emotional expression of grief. I am very expressive,
and my family tends to stuff unpleasant emotion. They think of me
as high-strung, but I simply express what I feel. They clean, cook,
organize or throw things.I guess it all works, sort of.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my sisters and I all had our children three years prior to mom's
death. We didn;'t think we were going to have any at all, since we
were all older. Also, I'm so glad I made it home before my mother
died, and that she had minimal suffering compared to many cancer
patients.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
writing, remembering funny things my mom did, looking at her things,
driving alone in my dad's car through the town I grew up in, reading
THE FIVE PEOPEL YOU MEET IN HEAVEN and playing with my baby, who
looks just like I did as a baby. Life goes on, and my mother lives
in us and continues.Hospice was also a blessing.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Seeing them take her out of her bedroom on a gurney, and seeing my
dad crying over her.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't pretend that everything is okay, because it's not and everyone
knows it. don't be afraid to make jokes. be forgiving, because lots
of people react in strange ways when they are stressed. And tell them
anything you've always wanted to tell thembut held back, if there is
anything. If possible, ask questions about their life. I couldn';t
do that bec. my mom couldn't talk, and that was one big regret I
had. I tried for years to get her to tape record stories of her life,
but she felt they were inconsequential. No one is inconsequential.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
really respect thehonor and value of a simple life well lived, and
realize the rarity of simply raising children and being a good wife.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was angry at her for being sick. Then I felt guilty for being
angry.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
didn't do that
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have a really good conversation with her and tape record her stories.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get on a plane and come back. I almost didnt' do it, because
everyone thought she had months to live. I knew I had to come back,
so I just went wiht that instinct. I also brought my kids and
husband, so she got to see them. Also, I taught my 19-month old
son to know who grandma was, even if he hardly ever saw her. I
held up her picture every morning and told him it was grandma,
and he gave her a kiss. So when she was in the hospital, I said,
"where's grandma>?" and he pointed to her. I was really happy .
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
too9 soon...I still crya lot
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
No pain. No calories.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my mom, a good person, is suffering and dying while other
horrible people live and prosper.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep a lot
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I laid my head next to her head on the pillow and kissed her neck
as if that would wake her up. It was a very child like thing to do,
and surprising.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
great compassion and understanding. It is a hard job to work with
terminal patients, and families tend to get upset and take it out
on the medical personnel. They were all kind and caring and still
professional.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Very brief, but they were amazingly helpful. Angelic people.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
steady decline followed by a brief burst of energy about fou hours
prior to actual death.It's as if the person wants to give it one
last go before they give up.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
grieving was hard bec. I wasn't here. ONce I was physically here,
itr was much easier.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Therapy
books, talking, crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Death Vigil
The hardest thing was watching for my mother to die. My dad, a
very stoic midwesterner, was ripped apart by it, and that broke my
heart. Also, seeing her suffer made it very difficult.
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Fri Jun 4 22:08:21 2004
F30 in San Antonio, TX =USA=
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
kahil gihbran
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 Months ago.
Cause of Death: Pulmonary Embollism; Aged: 67.
--Details:
She was diagnosed with Non-Hodkin's Lymphoma October 13, 2003, and
died Dec. 20, 2003 very unexpectedly. She was in the hospital for
anemia (from the very agressive chemo treatments) and they found a
blood clot in her leg. She was moved from ICU to a regular room on
the 19th, I saw her from 5pm-730pm, my uncle saw her from 11pm-1am
(then the 20th) and she died at 2am when the blood clot went to her
lung. We had been told she would come home on the 23rd (a Tuesday),
instead, we buried her that day. She seemed tired, but in doing
fine, better than I had seen her in a month. Certainly not someone
who would die in less than 6 hours. I am very very angry she is
gone. She was more than my grandma, she was my friend, one of my
best friends. A kindred spirit.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When we leave this place and go somewhere unseen.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad, but unsure what it really meant.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being very very very angry. and exceptionally sad every time I see
a picture of her.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is okay to cry and scream, or say nothing. I am expected to just
'move on' with life. when I really want to tell every single person
I meet that they missed out on meeting one of the most interesting
and loving people that ever lived.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I got to see her the day before she died and hug her, and
smell her, and cry with her, and laugh with her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my best friend.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
If anyone else had died, I would have talked to my grandma about
it, and asked for her help in dealing with it. With her gone,
it is hard to know where to turn.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she died. she was supposed to come home. she was supposed to beat
the cancer. it was sudden, unexpected, and violently emotional to
lose her.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
There was laughter (appropriate laughter)at my grandmother's funeral
and burial. It was mixed with lots of tears and sobbing too.
My
great-uncle's funeral (mentioned earlier) I was 7 or 8 and my aunt
was 10 or 11 and we laughed hysterically and uncontrollably during
his funeral. Some people understood, others were very offended,
like we actually were laughing at his death.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk with her about death
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see her hours before she passed
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
so many people told me I reminded them of my Grandmother.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
viewing the body.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I don't think I am over it at all. I get teary just filling this
out. or seeing a picture of her. or thinking of her. or smelling
her perfume.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she died.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
shut down. hide away somewhere with nothing to do but cry
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I was hard and calloused when I first heard. My mom called at 4am
and told me:
Mom: Honey, I have some bad news
me: fuck
Mom:
I know...is Jesse with you?
me: just say it mom
Mom: I want to
make sure you aren't alone
me: just say it, you have to say it
Mom: Grandma died this morning
me: fuck this isn't real
Mom:
I know honey, it's horrible
me: I'm on my way, we will be there
in an hour.
Mom: No, you don't have to come now, go to sleep and
come later this morning
me: Yes I do, you won't change my mind I am
coming, I will be at Grandpa's in an hour. I am so sorry mom. This
sucks.
>finally cried at this point<
mom: yes it does, I'm sorry
too. See you soon.
I don't cuss in front of my mother. I was
pissed from the moment the phone rang, because I knew.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
complete incompetence. I don't trust doctors or nurses any further
than I can throw them. you have to be your own advocate, your own
lawyer, your own researcher.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
N/A for my g-ma's death, but she had been a hospice volunteer years
before. she appreciated the experience, but could only do it for
a little while. She got too close to the patient and loved them so
much it was too hard to say goodbye.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
PAST: Christian, baptist, presbertarian, non-denominational.
CURRENT: spiritual, but not affiliated with any one religion in
particular. If I had to pick one or two that I am most drawn to
they would be Buddhism and Judaism
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting. I know she is with me, I am just too "unenlightened"
and angry to feel her presence.
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a my grandfather had provided well for the family by working his
whole life. and had planned well.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the love and laughter we all shared. and I fell apart speaking. (I
am usually poised and do very well speaking in public)
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
none.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
She never discussed death or dying during the two months she was
sick. at least not with family.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
okay. no unresolved issues, I just miss her and am pissed that
she won't be there to meet my kids, see me pregnant, interpret my
dreams, hold my hand, hug me, etc...
I need to go to counseling,
that is obvious to me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have asked her to come to me in my dreams. I think she has once
or twice, but I can't ever remember the dream.
my aunt (the same
one mentioned before, two years older than me, my grandma's youngest
daughter) says she has been visited by her mom. In dreams, and in
real life. She says she looks different, like an angel, but it is
her. My aunt is pragmatic and not prone to believe things like that.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want to be at home if I can be. surrounded by my family and
friends.
Donate my organs if they can be used and donate my body
to the Body Farm. Have a party not a funeral.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be disappointed that I didn't have kids. I would be sad for
my husband, and terrified for my mom and best friend. I am not afraid
of death for me, just for those left behind. Death at this age would
be unnatural for me, it would be very unexpected and difficult for my
friends and family. I would be excited to see & talk to my grandma!
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Haven't lived long enough to have an interesting one. Something about
my doula work maybe. my intensity. my compassion for animals. My
spirit.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I got a tattoo of a dragonfly, her 'talisman'.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
none
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
my age at the time
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
my best friends father committed suicide several years ago, and I
just went to her immediatly and told her I was there for her. And
that however she acted was okay. She did the exact same for me when
my g-ma died. (I drove 5 hours to be there for her, she drove 7 to
be with me)
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes, I know I haven't dealt with her death well. any time spent
in the moment thinking about my feelings about it is good and
healing. I am still so deep in the anger phase I can't quite see
the next step, though.
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Fri Jun 4 01:37:25 2004
F26 in auckland, devonport =new zealand=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: teacher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 Months ago.
Cause of Death: tumor; Aged: 81.
--Details:
came very suddenly
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life on earth
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked
--That first time, how it happened was
relative - not really close to her
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the way other family members reacted
oh, also someone said to
another person this comment i overheard and it shocked me "two
generations later and they don't know who you are (talking about
the dead)" and i thought to myself that is so true as i could not
think of anyone i knew well of (even if I hadn't met them) that
was two generations back from me.
--What I think my (new zealand) culture needs to better learn about death is:
what is more important greiving for a loved relative over who
gets what
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my own children got to meet their great grandfather even if
it is unlikely that either of them will remember him.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
nothing so far as i have not spoke to anyone about how i feel
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
being so shocked with the way certain family members acted that i
now no longer associate with them and they were the only family i
had left in the country i live
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
can't comment on this
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
no comment again
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
how could it happen
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
this did not happen for me...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to speak at granddads funeral even though people told me not to.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
no comment again
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandads brother shook hands with my husband for saluting my
grandad for the last post.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that my aunt handled everything very well when infact i don't
beleive she did.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i have never thought i am over this.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
everything would be the same prior to the death
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone can tell you to do something when in fact it is exactly
the opposite you want to do but because of the time you don't have
the energy to fight it.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
cry my eyes out
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
are you sure, go down the rsa and check he's not there, you must
have got it wrong
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
can't comment
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
can't comment
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
...not entirely sure...
--Religious Affiliation:
...nil...consider myself a christian but do not attend church...
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i'm still waiting for my grandad to visit me....
--Regarding MONEY:
not a problem...
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there were alot of people attending....my aunt arranged the service
in which noone was allowed to speak except 3 selected speakers by
her with herself being one of them...overheard comment from another
attendee that they were very sad they never got to say anything
about my grandad
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
...not sure...
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
sudden death so can't comment
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
...not sure...
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
don't know...
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nothing to write here...
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i am happy with everything though i would never have spent a year
living in another town if i had known my grandfather was going to
pass only a month after i got back and i wish i had of gone to the
rsa with him for the last time but i didn't feel like it at the
time and i do regret that now.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that i have never known someone that is so honest, caring, giving
and accepting. I will always remind my children of the morals
and values you have shown and given me and i except the same from
them in the years to come in their lives. i am so thankful for
everything you have done and said for me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i wish this would happen to me but then again i think i'd freak
out if it did!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
that a funeral is time for grieving and dealing with death, if
someone wishes to speak about the dead person let them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i'm laughing now...um...not sure haven't really thought about
this actually...
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
....no comment...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
when i lost a baby we put flowers into the ocean for her and my
husband bought some so i could do the same for grandad but i just
couldn't it didn't feel right.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
..nothing...maybe more aware of something that could potentially
happen to my boys and husband in regard to dying...
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
only my husband and i have become closer in a way that i can't
really explain...his grandad and my grandad both died only one day
apart...very freaky....
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
the fact that we weren't that close
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
no comment
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
only what i would say to my grandad if i could see him again
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
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See May 04 contributions.
See Apr 04 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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