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See Current contributions.
See Jan 00 contributions.
See Dec 99 contributions.
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Tue Feb 29 11:37:11 2000
F35 in New Rochelle, New York =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo.com, entertainment, psychology polls
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Prof/Studies: College Degree
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: multiple myeloma; Aged: 66.
--Details:
Due to complications from his illness and chemotherapy, his immune
system was no longer working properly and he had all systems fail.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the passing from this physical life to another form, spiritual
in nature.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and didn't quite understand the relevance and
significance of what was happening.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...Grandfather passed away. He lived overseas.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how traumatic everything was in his last days. Between becoming
ill very quickly and then going to a hospital, being transferred
to another facility and the fact that we were on vacation overseas
was very stressful and traumatic.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to make it less traumatic for all involved.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I feel that my dad is finally out of his physical pain and misery
associated with his illness.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my faith.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
family members who accused me of being detrimental in expediting
my father's death.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to offer emotional support.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
embraced my faith and belief system. It was a tremendous comfort
and gave me strength to go on.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Not realizing that this was going to occur. I knew my dad was very
ill but was not prepared for him to pass away. I was hoping that
he would recover somehow.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
There was nothing funny about that time for me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
do something sooner. Maybe get him to a hospital earlier.
Sometimes I feel like I didn't do enough to save him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Arrange the funeral details in a foreign country and that everything
went smoothly from there.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
A compassionate funeral director.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The wake.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I relive that year and vacation and what occurred. It's still
traumatic but it's been getting easier to deal with as time goes by.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
He would be around to see his grandchildren who talk about and
think about him often.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
If only I could have gotten him back to the U.S., maybe he would
have gotten better medical treatment.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
understand this life/death thing better and hope that when I pass
away, that things will finally reconcile themselves. I just don't
know how I'll deal with my mom's death when it comes.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn't think about. I just want to shut it out of my mind and
still do sometimes to this day, though it's been getting easier
and easier to reconcile what happened as time goes by.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the foreigners I dealt with were less compassionate and made this
whole process worse and difficult to deal with.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
an organized way of saying goodbye. A passage of sorts.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
We are forced to deal with it and thus a spiritual answer to the
experience is the best we can come up with to deal with what has
occurred.
--Regarding MONEY:
We had to come up with a lot of it all of a sudden (funeral costs,
etc.)
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the animosity and blame certain family members placed on us.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the burial.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a person being totally out of it and not wanting to be around others
because of how they're feelingl.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
not sure how to answer this question.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
a feeling of peace. That he really didn't let go of us until we
were safely on our way back home to the US. Just weird.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
It's not that I have unresolved issues, it's just that I wish I
could have said "Thank you. For all you've done for me and all
that lives in me that will continue to be a part of you."
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
That everything is OK on the other side. We're fine and he's fine.
Just an exchange of sorts.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I dreamt a lot about my father and he would come back in my dreams
to give me a hug. A reassurance in a way but a feeling of letting
go.......
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
If a person wishes for something to be done when they pass, I believe
they should take care of writing it down and actually appointing
someone to make sure it gets done.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would want to provide closure for those I would be leaving behind,
husband, kids, brother, mom.........I would start preparing them
for my own peace of mind. Some people don't deal with death at
all when they know they're terminally ill.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Constant prayer.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I've learned to slow down and actually appreciate life more.
Personal relationships have greater meaning and I want to sit and
watch instead of in the past running around and stopping to smell
the coffee.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
n/a
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I was 5 years old and didn't quite understand what was going on.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I still don't know how to react to someone who was in my position.
I can just try to offer support that I'm here if they would like
to talk. Death is a very personal and invidual thing.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I actually expressed some thoughts and feelings that I've kept in
a long time and have not had an outlet for to talk about.
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Tue Feb 29 10:18:28 2000
F37 in Saarbruecken, Germany ==
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Found us by: [ TV Program: ]
in talkshow about dying, your web site was mentioned
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Prof/Studies: interpretor
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Light at the end of the life, the seagull Jonathan
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Betty J. Eadie, Richard Bach
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: age; Aged: 92.
--Details:
She didn't want to live anymore. She denied eating, drinking,
medication. After that decision she needed 4 weeks to die. The last 3
days, she kept talking about all the people she knew in her life. At
the end she said: Annie (her daughter), let's go, he is here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of breathing. We dig a hole and put our dead people in
there, so they can serve as new dirt for new life. Humans visit a
grave instead of keeping their people alive with thoughts and love
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
denied knowledge. I fantasized for years, that my father was only
living somewhere else. One day he would come and get me. He would
rescue me from my family.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My father died when I was six years. He took
me to school on my first day and he went to work where he died in
an accident
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the care about my dying grandmother. She was never alone. She
smiled when she died. And after her last breath I let my daughter
see her and tell her goodbye. Although her skin was already cold,
we touched and caressed her for goodbye.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing avoidable. It can strike us anywhere and at any
time. Therefore, we should be prepared. We should always live in a
way that we don't regret to have lived. We should be greatful for
the opportunity having to be able to be with a person, to share
their good and bad times. We should not be only sad when a person
is leaving us. We live on in the thing we owned, in our children,
in the hearts and memories of others.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a friend's son. He had Mucoviscidose. He became 31 years old and he
managed to get his doctor's degree. He made his wish come true. And
somebody let it happen.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking to a very close friend was of the greatest support. Nobody
in the family was willing or maybe able to talk about death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
one day before my best friend died, he bought new glasses. They were
so cool and I asked him wheather I could wear them just once. He
answered: Sorry, but these are my last glasses I will ever buy and
I cannot give them to anybody. Half an hour later he died in a bad
accident at the age of 15. 4 people died, one survived paralised. I
am covinced that he un consciously knew about his death.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Talk frankly about death, when the person wishes to. It helps
the person.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
fell in a deep hole and couldn't get out of it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the talking about who is getting what and why the other one is not
getting that and so on. Tears at the funeral were faked.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that I could frankly talk to my grandma about death. I told her about
people who have contact we dead people by recordings. She promised me
that we could telephone together once she made it on the other side.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
is true. See further up, the last words of my granny: We can go now,
he is here.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My neighbour's father died a few years ago. Once she fell asleep
with the candles lit. She woke up, when she heard her father blow
gentle words into her ears. A wind was blowing and the candles
didn't burn anymore. All the windows were closed. She is sure that
her father saved her from burning. I believe her.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I wrote my last will. Everything that matters to me is taken good
care of.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I was in that situation. I had cancer when I was 24 (uterus). They
wanted to do surgery, but I wanted to die. I did not care much
about the life I had. I had a girl when I was 25. That was my
gift from God. I had never been able to get pregnant. I survived,
my child is healthy and 11 years old today. I raise here by myself
and I thank God for her every day. I am not afraid of death. I'll
live on, even if I should physically die. My own family already
was sad and didn't talk to me at all, when they heard that I had
cancer. Nobody laughed around me, nobody was smiling. Everybody had
tears in their eyes. That was the worst of it. All of a sudden I
was the good daughter, the loved sister, the good person. All this
is so wrong. I know that they have a problem with death. Today,
I ride a motorbike and I am happy. I treat people the way I want
to be treated.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
It is the belief that just life's state is changing. I believe in
a life after physical death
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
nobody cared about the next, who was hurt, too. Everybody dealt
with his own pain.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have a friend. Her daughter died in an accident. Then her
husband left her. She talks day after day about the same thing. I
listen. A hundred times I listen. I ask her questions about it
and she answers. As long as she doesn't stop to talk about it,
she needs somebody to listen to her and to talk to. That, I think,
is the best help for her. Just being there. Not making any faces
when she starts to talk. She trusts in me as her true friend.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I believe that if you had more questions to mark, more people would
take the time to fill it out. I am not a native speaker myself and
it takes quite a few minutes to read and write. But it is a rather
detailed questionnaire.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
You could ask about the philosophy that people achieve from death. My
philosophy is: I never want to say: I shouldn't have treated her/him
like that. Now it is too late.
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Mon Feb 28 15:41:33 2000
F16 in Reading, Berkshire =England=
Name: katherine
Email: <stardust15_=at=yahoo.com>
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Poem - Footprints
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 ago.
Cause of Death: Drowning; Aged: 48.
--Details:
In hospital, in a bath because they were inequipped with alarm cords
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--Death Is:
A feeling of emptiness when you find out you will never be able
to see that person ever again. Not knowing where they are, what
they're doing, if they are thinking of you.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and felt hurt which i still feel so intensly now, 4 years on.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... it was my mum
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
shock and anger
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my mum is in no pain, and somewhere even though it's so hard
to see, there is a reason for it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friend's trying to understand and putting up with me being upset
even now.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the feeling of emptiness
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to appreciate very second you spend with them because death makes you
realise how precious life is, and has made me a spontanious person
instead of putting things off. you never know when it's too late.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have grown up so much and i appreciate the people who are important
to me and i make sure they know how much they mean to me. Also i
am no longer scared of death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i couldn't believe it happened
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is an automatic response to try and put the sadness to one side
and pretend it didn't happen. it seems so unreal.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
grow up with my mothers influence over me, helping me through
my teens.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell my mum that i loved her the last time i saw her
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
you tell someone you appreciate everything they did for you and
tell them you love them
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear a sad song or someone talks about it, or i look at pictures
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
and why me?
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
sitting at the front and turning round to see the coffin
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
th suddenness of it all.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
my family
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
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Mon Feb 28 14:12:15 2000
F21 in Hattiesburg, Mississippi =Untied States=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Holy Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 8yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: ~70.
--Details:
she was sick for a while and then she had to stay in the hospital
for a while
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--Death Is:
tragic, heart-wretching. A time of loneliness, guilt, grief and
feelings of inadequancy.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in shock for a while and could not believe that it had happend.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great-grandmother died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the heartache and the feeling as if i could have saved them.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the pain that was taken away due to death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the fact that i knew that people where there if i needed them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that i would never see them again.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a support system.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding MONEY:
humans ability to be greedy
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the fact that i didn't realize that she was really gone until i
saw her lying there.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the sick person expressing feelings of comfort
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i feel like everything is okay;myself
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would tell this person how much i love them
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my grandmother would come back to me while i was sleep. she would
let me know stuff.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i hope that through God, I would be able to accept the fact that
i will die soon. because i know that everyone must die. i just
don't want to leave my loved ones behind
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
a lot of praying.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i continue to pray daily
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me think about death in general. not only my grandmother's,
but other people as well as myself.
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Mon Feb 28 01:41:37 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
Name: Amanda Day
Email: <Calebs_mom17=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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More personal info:
I'm sorry I couldn't complete all the questions. It got far to hard
for me. It brings back so many memories.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, almost 9 years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack followed by 2 strokes; Aged: 62.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a scary thing. It is so final. It is when the body of somebody
fails. You will never see that person again. That person ends
their existance.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 9 years old. It was very scary for me. I was staying with a
family friend while my parents and older brothers and a lot of
other family members stayed at the hospital. My mom came to get mt
one day. But, after she got their my dad called and said for me to
stay there and for her to get to the hospital quick. My grandfather
died at 3:00 the next morning.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I was 9 years old. My paternal grandfather had
a heart attack. While he was in the hospital (CCU), he suffered from
a stroke. Not long after that, he suffered from another stroke. He
died after being in the hospital for about 5 days.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I could not believe he was gone. When he died, I was asleep. It
was odd. I woke up and sat straight up in bed that night. I looked
at the clock in the bedroom. It said 3:00. My dad came the next
morning. He told me that my granddaddy was gone. I said I know. He
died at 3:00 this morning. It was about 7AM then. My dad couldn't
understand how I knew this.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Some people can't cope with a death as well as others. I was often
told that it was okay to cry. But, when I stayed up all night
crying the night after my grandfather died, I was told that I had
cried enough.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I woke up when my grandfather died. That gave me peace. It
seemed to me that my grandfather was telling me he was gone , but
he was okay. We were very close, so I feel he was also trying to
tell me he loved me. I often, to this day, dream about him. In the
dreams he tells me he is fine and he loves me. He tells me that I
will see him again in Heaven. That gives me some peace.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
At the time, my parents and brothers were my only support. As I
got older I still was not over my grandfather's death. That is when
I became severly depressed and started using drugs and alcohol to
numb my pain.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Death is so final. I don't think I'll ever get over his death. As
a 9 year old little girl, I thought he left me on purpose. I had
never thought about death before that. Other family memebers had
died, but I was never close to them.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
loved him. It was so hard for me. Nobody really understood our
relationship. What I learned from his death was that we are onyl
here for a short time. To make each day count.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the doctors said he would be fine. The next day he died.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
simply say a real goodbye. And been able to let him know how much
he truly meant to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
wake up that morning at the exact time he died. That means a lot
to me, to this very day.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I went in my grandparent's house and everybody was asleep. I wanted
to wake everybody up. How could they be asleep when he was gone? It
seemed so odd to me that they could sleep at a time like this.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I go to his grave. It seems like a dream. Or on holidays when
everybody gathers at my grandma's house. It hurts that he's not
there. I always cry, but I go to his room. I usually spend hours
when I'm there laying on his bed, which my grandma still doesn't
sleep in. I'll put on his favorite shirt and lay in his bed. I feel
like he's holding me tight.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
walked in my grandparents house with my dad. It was early in the
morning. Around 7:30 or so. I walked thorugh the house. Everybody
was asleep. They were all really tired from the previous night's
events. I walked in my grandfather and grandmother's bedroom. My
brother was in their bed. I went in the next room. My grandma
was asleep in there. It seems that she could not bare to sleep
on their bed alone. When everybody finally got up. Around 9:00,
my mom cooked breakfast. I set the table. I set a place for my
grandfather. I just knew it was all a big joke or something. But,
he never came to the table. For the next 5 days, I stayed at their
house with my grandma and other family members were constantly in
and out. Everytime I set the table, I set him a place. It was hard
for me to except that he really was gone.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing much. At the time, I felt mad at God. I have sense gotten
over that feelnig though.
--Religious Affiliation:
Always been a Southern Baptist
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
I was dianosed with clinical depression at age 14. I often think
about death. Nothing helps the hurt I feel for my grandfather go
away. I have used illegal drugs to help cope with the pain. I am
now a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Sun Feb 27 23:26:06 2000
F33 in Slidell, Louisiana =USA=
Name: Kendra
Email: <kgonzal4=at=bellsouth.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Presently homemaker mother of 4
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More personal info:
you can post it
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
One Last Time (A physic medium who speaks to those we have loved
an lost on the other side.)
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
John Edward
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Ovarian Cancer; Aged: 65.
--Details:
It was just the most horrible experience for me. The pain and
suffering that she endured. No one should ever have to go through
that.A year and a half after she was diagnosed she was gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Sucks
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my mother. She died of ovarian cancer
when I was 29 years old. She was 65. I had two children at the
time.Now four years later I have four children and still not over
her death. If it weren't for Zoloft,the prescription antidepressant
that I am still taking,I would have cracked up a long time ago.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
At the very beginning, I felt numb. I couldn't react. Not too many
tears etc. But now still the hurt, pain, and anger that I feel is
just unbearable.The only thing that keeps me from crying all of
the time is the Zoloft.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
You never get over it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Meeting the Physic John Edward. I felt that once you die you are
dead and gone nothing else. And hearing what John has to say I
truly believe there is another side, a spirit world.John Edward
and I are also both Catholic. I'm not so sure about the Heaven
and Hell thing though.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
To watch her suffer and disenegrate .
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I guess to try and convince them that you can let go. Because alot
of people often linger on because they are concerned about worried
about you.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
If anyone you know or love gets cancer. Its best not to do anything
about it. No surgery,No Chemotherapy,Radiation. Nothing! Because
It only ruins their quality of life that they do have left. And a
complication from one of the above will usually kill them before the
cancer ever would. Plus it only fattens the oncologist pocket. Thats
all they're worried about.Not the person that they are treating.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Thats all the time.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That if there was a God, Why would he take such a kind,loving,and
happy person and put her thru such an ordeal like that. She was
also a very religous person. I almost think that it might not have
been so bad if she would have just died in her sleep peacefully.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Recieve communication from her on the other side. Supposedly I
can learn to do that.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I still don't understand and acknowledge it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they suck!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
It only brought me further away from the church.
--Religious Affiliation:
Past Catholic. Current none.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I do believe that there definitly is a spirit world. Where all
spirits go when they leave. Like several different airlines all
going to the same place.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Was how horrible the funeral home made her look. She was so peaceful
and beautiful when she died in the hospital. The funeral home
made her look terrible. If I had known at the time, I would have
insisted that they let me do her hair,makeup,and when to stop pumping
embalming fluid in her. They blew her up too much. I am a licensed
Cosmetologist so I know I could have done a much better job. I also
feel like if I could have done my own Mother I could do a perfect
stranger. I am presently looking into a career in Funeral Services.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The comatose state. The breathing becomes more and more shallow. and
just hours before they pass their feet become cold as ice.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Numbness is definitely first in line. Then anger, sadness,
then back to anger again then I went into a deep depression of
constantly thinking about her all the time and crying all the
time . The antidepressants are helping me deal with that part,
but I am still angry as hell about the whole situation and
can't see me ever getting over it.I also definitly recommend the
drugs.(Zoloft,Paxil,Prozac.) They deffinitly help .It might take
taking them every day for 2 to 3 months before you see a difference
but they will definitly work . I've been on them for about 2 years
now. I tried weaning off of them once ,but the crying and depression
started right back up again . I'll probably be on them the rest of
my life if that is what it takes.It is the only relief that I get.
They are non narcotic so they are not addicting . My brain must
just have a very low serrotin level . I also get SAD syndrome in
the winter months.From the lack of daylight exposure.I also lay
in a tanning bed to get some extra ultraviolet light.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
There was only one time that she was sleeping and she called out
to her mother who was already passed over.As if she was seeing her.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I just think about all the years that have been stolen away from
me that I could be spending with her now.As it was I saw her
every day of my life except when I was on my honeymoon. We were
extremely close.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to hear that she is happy and would rather be there
than here. And for her to guarantee that I will see and be with
her when I die.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had made a deal with my mom, that when she died I wanted her to
come to me and let me know that she is okay,that she is in a better
place, and that she would much rather be there than here in this
crazy world.And she said yes, I'm going to come back and kick you
in your butt. Well I'm still waiting for my kick. But the physic
that I spoke about earlier definitly knows about your question.When
your loved one comes to you in your dreams it is usually a visit
from them. They are more able to contact you when your mind is in
that state. Thats only happened to me maybe twice.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Everyone needs a DNR signed,if that is what they want,especially if
they have a terminal illness and do not want to be recesitated.Why
bring them back to suffer if they are going to die anyway.My mother
told us what she wanted to be dressed in, and the exact type of
coffin she wanted.She also picked her plot where she wanted to
be burried.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would love to know when I am going to die. Because if it were
going to be soon I would live it up now. And not worry about the
cost of things and bills that I would have to pay.I would do and
get everything I ever wanted.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Prescription Drugs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
I am still very angry now.That she has been stolen from me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think that it is good. Maybe in some way this is therapy for me
since I was drawn to this website.I got alot off of my chest.
Enhancements: www.johnedward.net
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Sun Feb 27 18:50:22 2000
M22 in toronto, ontario =canada=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 49.
--Details:
She was a friend-of-the-family. She died very quickly (within 6
weeks of being diagnosed). I am good friends with her daughter -
I was most concerned about her.
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--Death Is:
when your body ceases all functions.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't feel much at all, but knew that it was a sad time for
everyone.
--That first time, how it happened was
My great-grandfather died. He had been in a nursing home all of my
life (although we visited him often). My mom told me that he had
died and I didn't really have any sort of reaction.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
looking at her body in the funeral home. It was shocking to see
how different she looked.
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is a natural part of "life" and that we shouldn't mourn as
much, and instead, celebrate the deceased's life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
realising that it happens to everyone at some point and not to be
paranoid of it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to my family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I would never see them again.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
remember her every so often, but don't carry around the thought
that she's gone as emotional "baggage".
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was a normal reaction - that life goes on, even without her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt very badly for her family and the fact that they hadn't had
enough time with her to prepare for her death.
--Religious Affiliation:
none
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I was too young to really understand what had happened, but I was
concerned for my family who were obviously upset.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Sat Feb 26 04:12:03 2000
F30 in , =Australia=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--Death Is:
when our physical bodies cease to work and our inner self or soul
is free to roam or join the ammassed knowledge of the universe
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
realised that although sad for the family and friends left behind
that the individual who had died it was a release of the soul
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My daughter was born when I was sixteen and
died when she was 7 months old from pnumonia complications related
to a genetic disorder
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the smile on her face and the lid being put on the coffin
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is a normal part of life and not something alien to be feared
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the joy and celebration of her life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
other people shying away, avoiding the topic
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to love them and let them go
--[My Daughter's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realised that a life even short could be full and death is not
something to be feared but embraced as a part of life
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
to speak to them and let them know that you are willing to listen
if they need to talk of their lost loved one
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Thu Feb 24 20:28:44 2000
F58 in Newmarket, Ontario ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5 months ago.
Cause of Death: congestive heart failure; Aged: 80.
--Details:
I was alone with her when she died (in hospital). I wasn't
told
that her death was near. My Dad was also in the same hospital with
heart problems. I had to inform him that Mum had passed away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
at times a release from suffering - mentally and physically.
It
can be a slow process, and at times unmerciful. The body no longer
supports life and the soul is released to live eternally in the
minds of the loved ones and friends.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
immediately paged the nursing station to attend to my mother.
I was shocked (I can't forget the moment), but also relieved that
she was finally at peace and no longer suffering.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a natural death - of my maternal
grandmother,
who died of natural causes due to old age (89).
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the moment of her death.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that the mourning should be centered on the life of the deceased;
that life should be celebrated, not mourned in a funeral parlour
with the body laid out in view.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the support received from the small community where my parents lived.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the support that I received from the associates and management in
my workplace.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
being alone with her when she died.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to assist with the care of my mother while she was ill.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she took her last breath, I didn't realize that she was so
close
to death.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
live closer to my parents so that I could have provided more support
for both of them.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with my Mum on her last day, and that she didn't die with a
caretaker present.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I feel that I will never get over this death.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Nothing would change.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my Mother had to suffer so much. It was also not fair for
her to expect my Dad and my sister and I to provide all of her
nursing care. My sister and I live in different provinces. I
work fulltime. My Dad has many medical problems and my sis ter
has a ten year old daughter.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt physically ill.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the Doctor and Extra-mural nurses in the small community where my
parents live are incompetent. However, the care that they recived
in the city was compassionate and very
competent.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a hassle. The Minister (Anglican) was determined that Mum's funeral
would be held in the Church. The Church has steep steps which my Dad
was unable to climb, so he chose to have the funeral in the funeral
parlour. The Minister was not happy...My Mother had worked for the
Church all of her life, she was organist for 55 years. The Minister
did not say one word about her service to the Church or to the
community...my Dad was insensed, and we left the service feeling
that she had not received the tributes that she deserved...Dad
confronted the Minister( a week later).He (the minister) blamed my
sister and I for not arranging a euology and said that the Ministers
in the parishes had decided that they would no longer speak about
the deceased during the funeral service..He alluded that he had
told about his policy but neither of can remember the conversation.
--Religious Affiliation:
Past affiliation - Anglican
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
unlikely.
--Regarding MONEY:
we had to stay within the amount of money that my Dad would receive
from the insurance policies.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
thelack of tributes for my mother by the Minister.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The inflexibility of the Minister.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Moving the patient to a private room; deterioration of the legs
and feet; a change in breathing patterns; a rise in temperature.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
this did not happen when I was present. But, a caretaker heard
Mum talking to her Mother during her sleep, telling her Mother that
she would see her soon - perhaps she was just dreaming, my Mum was
aware that she was dying.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
MY brother -in - law almost died due to an allergic reaction.
He said that he did not see lights, but did see a long corridor
and alerted his wife that he was 'going'.
She summoned help and
he survived.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My Mother seemed to be my enemy...I don't think that I did too much
in life that measured up to her standards. There was and never
will be any resolution. As she aged I was able to be kind to her,
and respected her. I even realized that I loved her when I learned
that she was dying.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell her that I would be with her to the end. I would like
to hear her say, thanks for being here for me and for arranging
caretakers to help look after me. I would love to hear her say
'You've done well'!!!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The funeral should be preplanned - music and readings.
A will
should be made.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I tell my kids not to mourn me if anything uexpected happens to
me...I tell them that I've had a good life, had wonderful children
who made me proud. I have three grandchildren who make life worth
living - I'm convinced that some superior being arranged for women
to have grandchildren to make aging bearable. I can die happy.
I also believe that we should do a lot of living for the 'moment'
and forget about saving once in a while.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
At itmes I am not coping well, I'm hoping that this process will
help somewhat.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am angry when people fret about trivial things, especially at work.
I know that many people do not realize the true value of life.
I'm trying to diffuse my anger by discussing the whole procedure,
bit by bit. I have even been able to forgive myself for small bits
of events that have troubled me.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes, that has happened for me. I have been in touch with relatives
that I had not seen for years.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish that I had notified one of my friends about my mom's death,
I assumed that another friend would tell her
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was helpful to articulate some of the issues that still bother me.
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Thu Feb 24 18:33:39 2000
F20 in Boston, MA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: College Student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Chicken Soup for the Soul series
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
don't remember, there are multiple
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, almost 2 ago.
Cause of Death: smoke inhalation, fell asleep in fire; Aged: 20.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
very hard and something we know very little about.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was angry at God
--That first time, how it happened was
I was five years old and my mother, my two year old sister and
I were in the car when we were hit head on by a drunk driver. My
mother was killed instantly.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
all the great fears I developed
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to learn how to accept it and not fear it so much
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the wonderful stepmother I have now who is a mother to me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND WRITING IN MY JOURNAL
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I became very scared of the thought of losing someone else I love.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
came to appreciate life and all I have at a very early age.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
there seemed to be no God there
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
find more faith.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I began to find that organized religions are too limiting.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
so good to know that we all unite somehow and we will all achieve
togetherness in the hereafter.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
realizing that that person is not coming back in the form they used
to be in.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have had several dreams with my mom and friend in them and yes
they were very comforting and real.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Yes, I always think about that. But then I realize that I musn't
dwell on it and just live the life I was blessed with .I believe
in myself and my destiny.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Writing and praying
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
My family, my friends, the love they give me, and my inner strength
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Not too successful. I am still in the stage where I don't like to
hear about death.
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Thu Feb 24 16:00:38 2000
F36 in Anchorage, Ak =USA=
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Prof/Studies: Social Work
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: diabetes; Aged: 63.
--Details:
Her body couldn't take what the diabetes had done to it. She had
heart problems, kidney problems, and other minor aches. She could
no longer walk because the diabetes settled in her legs, then she
tried to walk and broke her hip in two places. She had a stroke
during dialisis and never recovered.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life as we know it. We can no longer talk to our living
loved ones or hold them. We cease to be.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was eleven years old and had a good friend of my mother's die,
then a few months later, one of my best friends drowned in a river
by his grandmothers.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a good friend of my mothers. She babysat for
my sisters and I when I was little.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
shock that she was gone. I cried alot, but knew she was where she
wanted to be. My 15 year old daughter wrote a couple poems about
the death and how she felt. My sisters and nieces cried very much
at the funeral.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it can be woderful. It is a continuation of life and part
of it. It shouldn't be dealt with in such sad terms.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That my mother is no longer in pain and she is with her parents
and two sisters that went before she did.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My belief that she is happy and is still able to watch over me.
I am still dealing with it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That I miss her so much and still try to call her.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I wish I could have been there.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i didn't
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be beside her in her last hours of life, letting her know that it
was all right for her to go.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
attend the funeral
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
We don't have to get rid of mother's things until we are ready.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
All the time.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
That I would call and talk to her more often.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
curl up in a ball and cry until there was no more tears.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
called to get a flight home to attend the funeral and give support
to my father.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
That they did the funeral the way they wanted.
--Religious Affiliation:
My mother's was Seventh-day Adventist, mine is Latter-day Saint.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
really good.
--Regarding MONEY:
I had to come up with the money for plane tickets and for help with
the headstone.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
There were alot of people.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Giving my mother's body a kiss.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
don't know
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
don't know.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had a dream that my mother was here helping me deal with the
empending death of my best friend and room-mate of 20 years.
She reassured me that everything would be all right and that she
loved me and would visit again.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would hope that I would be as brave as my mother and make sure
that my children were taken care of.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I am still going through it. I am learning all I can about death
and dying and the greiving process.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
My grandmother and mother's talking about death helped.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was difficult, but yet reassuring that I could share with someone.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
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Thu Feb 24 00:45:11 2000
F42 in CROFTON, MARYLAND =USA=
Name: CONNIE ZURVALEC
Email: <FUNK1=at=BELLATLANTIC.NET>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
JUST SEARCHING FOR SURVEYS
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Prof/Studies: N/A
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 5 MONS. ago.
Cause of Death: HEART ATTACK; Aged: 63.
--Details:
UNCLE WAS A HARD WORKING AND STRONG MAN....WAS REPAIRING A ROOF
AT THE TIME OF HIS SUDDEN DEATH!!! A REAL SHOCK TO SEE A ACTIVE
STRONG MAN LEAVE WITHOUT EVER HAVING ANY PRIOP HEART PROBLEMS!!!
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--Death Is:
A PERSON MAY BE GONE BUT WILL FOREVER LIVE IN YOUR HEART.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I COULD NOT KEEP MY MIND FOCUSED ON THE DEATH.... MIND WAS SCATTERED
WITH PLANS. A WAY TO COPE!!!
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...RECIEVED PHONE CALL FROM SISTER THAT FATHER
HAD PASSED AWAY...
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
WHY AND HOW???? THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
THERE IS NO RIGHT NOR WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE...I NEEDED TIME TO MYSELF
AND FEEL THE FEELINGS!!!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I DID NOT PICK UP A DRINK!!!! I MADE THE ARRANGEMENTS FOR MY UNCLE
TO BE A ORGAN DONOR...
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
MY SISTER AND I ARE CLOSE ENOUGH TO SHARE OUR HEARTS....OWNING A
SMALL MOMENTO FROM THE PERSON.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
COMING TO TERMS WITH DEATH MEANING THE END.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
LET GO AND LET GOD...IT IS NOT OUR DECISION!!!
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
WAS NOT A SHAME OF CRYING AND SHOWING MY FEELINGS... MY WAY TO
COPE... I WAS THE ONLY FAMILY MEMBER TO VIEW HIS BODY BEFORE
CREMATION AND IT HELPED ME TO SAY GOOD BYE AND COME TO TERMS WITH
HIS DEATH.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
MAKING FUNERAL AND CREMATION PLANS.... NO INSURANCE AND NO FAMILY
SUPPORT!!!
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
YES, WE LAUGHED... IN HIS BIBLE HE HAD A POSTCARD WITH A HEARST
ON IT PULLING A U-HAUL TRAILER IN A GRAVEYARD... CAPTION READ WHO
SAID YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU!!! WE TOOK HIS ASHES OUT OF STATE
AND WE PLACED THEM IN HIS DRIVERS SEAT OF HIS TRUCK AND TOWED TRUCK
TO HIS HOMEPLACE...THAT IS HOW HE WOULD HAVE WANTED TO GO!!!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I HAVE NO REGRETS.... I DO HAVE A CONCERN REGARDING DONATING
ORGANS... HE HAD "NO" ON DRIVERS LISENCE BUT THAT WAS NOT LIKE HIM...
A VERY CARING PERSON....GAVE ALOT IN LIFE AND WOULD WANT TO GIVE
IN DEATH AS WELL... IF I WAS WRONG, UNCLE MEL, PLEASE FORGIVE ME....
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
TO GIVE TWO EULOGIES.....ONE IN FRONT OF TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE AND ONE
JUST FOR FAMILY... NO ONE COULD DO IT AND I REFUSED TO LET HIM GO
WITH A LOVING MESSAGE...I CRIED SO HARD AND I WAS SO SCARED BUT I
HAD TO FOLLOW THROUGH...
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
WHEN HIS MOOSE LODGE MEMBERS STOOD IN A CRESCENT FORM AND
SAID THE CIRCLE IS BROKEN BECAUSE THEY LOST A BROTHER!!!
VERY TOUCHING.....NEVER FORGET!!!
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
MOVING HIS ASHES TO OUR HOUSE.... HE IS STILL WITH MY SISTER AND MAY
COME TO STAY WITH ME... NOT SURE WHAT WE WILL DO.... FAMILY MEMBERS
ACTED LIKE THEY HAD A FEAR OF THE ASHES... THEN AGAIN, MAYBE THEY
SHOULD HAVE!!!
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I SEE A ITEM THAT BELONGS TO HIM OR A PICTURE OF HIM...
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I WOULD WANT TO SHOW ALL MY APPRECIATION FOR HIM BEING THERE
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
THE GOOD DIE YOUNG, THE LEAST LIVE FOREVER... OTHERS HAVE TO DIE
SO OTHERS MAY LIVE!!!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
WIPE IT OUT OF MIND...BUT THAT IS ALOT OF LOVE I NEVER WANT TO
FORGET. TRY NOT TO LET THE PAIN OUT WEIGH THE LOVE!!!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I CRIED, CRIED, AND CRIED..... I HAD TO COMFORT MYSELF WITH THINKING
HE IS IN A BETTER PLACE AND WE WILL MEET AGAIN...
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
STILL WOULD LIKE TO MEET THE PEOPLE ON THE AMBULANCE.. TO GIVE
THANKS... I KNOW THEY GAVE IT THEIR BEST... THEY ONLY GET THANKS
FOR THE ONES THEY SAVE REGARDLESS OF THEIR HARDWORK AND CONCERN
FOR THE ONES THAT DID NOT MAKE IT!!!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
NOT ACTIVE IN A CHURCH...
--Religious Affiliation:
I BELIEVE IN A HIGHER POWER AND HAVE NO CERTAIN RELIGION...THERE
IS A GOD AND I AM NOT IT!!!
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
SPIRIT NEVER DIES.... IT IS THERE AND IN MYSELF...
--Regarding MONEY:
HAD FAMILY MEMBERS WITH MONEY BUT WOULD NOT HELP WITH FUNERAL...
LEFT TO MY SISTER AND I... WAS TOLD WE OWED HIM THIS!!!! WE DID
WHAT WE DID OUT OF LOVE NOT OBLIGATION.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
LACK OF CONCERN OR LOVE FAMILY MEMBERS SHOWED. BROKE MY HEART FOR
MY UNCLE... HE WAS SUCH A GIVING AND CARING PERSON!!!
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
TO VIEW HIS BODY... WAS TOLD I WOULD NOT WANT TO DO THAT!!! I STOOD
FIRM AND SO GLAD I DID.. I SAW A PEACEFUL LOOK BUT HAD TO PREPARE
MYSELF FOR THE WORSE... IT GAVE ME SO PLEASURE TO LET MY MOM (HIS
SISTER) AND MY SISTER THAT HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS AT PEACE...
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
OH YES....HOW TRUE!!! UNLCE ON FATHERS SIDE HAD A NEAR VISION
DEATH AND SAID HE SAW MY FATHER WHO PASSED AWAY 10 YEARS AGO...
WE WILL ALL MEET AGAIN!!!
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
OH YES....TRUE AGAIN... AT AGE 21 I GOT DRUNK AND TOOK ABOUT 40
VALIUMS... I WAS LUCKY TO GET HELP IN TIME... I CAME OUT OF THAT
SITUATION WITH THE MESSAGE THAT GOD SPOKE TO ME!!!! THE WORDS I
HEARD " I CANNOT HELP YOU UNTIL YOU HELP YOURSELF". I WAS IN THE
TUNNEL WITH LIGHTS....JUST NOT MY TIME!!! ITS REAL...FOR ME!!!!
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I JUST PRAY THAT HE KNOWS HOW MUCHED HE WAS LOVED AND FORGIVE ME
IF I FAILED TO TELL HIM ENOUGH!!!
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
LIKE TO KNOW HE IS IN A BETTER PLACE.... TO SAY I LOVE YOU AND
THANKS FOR BEING MY DAD, SANTA CLAUS, EASTER BUNNY, AND BEING THERE
FOR MY SISTER AND I WHEN OUR PARENTS WASN'T!!!
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
YES, I HAD A DREAM ABOUT MY FATHER.... I ASK HIM IF HE WAS ALRIGHT???
HE SAID HE HAS NEVER KNOW SUCH TRANQUILLITY!!! A WORD I NEVER
USED!!! SAID HE WAS WITH HIS MOM AND WOODIE.. I ASK WHO WOODIE WAS
AND HE SAID REMEMBER WOODIE FROM THE LIQUOR STORE ( GAVE AREA)!!!
I DID NOT, HE SAID ASK YOUR MOM!!! I HAD TO CALL MY MOM WHEN
I AWOKE.... I ASK IF SHE REMEMBERED ANYONE THAT MAY HAVE WORKED
AT THAT LIQUOR STORE AND SHE CAME UP WITH THE NAME "WOODIE"... HE
SPOKE TO ME AND HE WAS SMILING.... HE NEVER SMILED MUCH AND I FOUND
THAT TO COMFORT ME AND CONFIRMED HIS TRANQUILLITY!!!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
DO NOT KEEP ME ALIVE ON A MACHINE AND DONATE WHAT EVER COULD BE USED.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
YES, I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET MY WISHES IN ORDER AND LIFE
INSURANCE....
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I ALWAYS PUT FRESH FLOWERS ON HIS URN... HE LOVED XMAS SO I MADE
SURE HE HAD A LITTLE DECORATED TREE BY HIS URN!!! WHEN EVER I VISIT
MY SISTER, I TRY TO PLACE SOMETHING SPECIAL NEXT TO HIM!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
MOST LIKELY ANSWERED THAT ABOVE...
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS FITS TO THIS QUESTION??? WHILE READING EULOGY
A PERSON I NEVER MET BEFORE COULD SEE I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME. THRU
ALL THE PAIN IT WAS HARD TO STAND IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE. SHE
PLACED HER HAND ON ME AND IT FELT LIKE THE HAND OF GOD.. SHE HELPED
ME SO MUCH AND SHE WAS A STRANGER BUT SHE SHARED MY GRIEF AND I
SHALL REMAIN FOREVER GRATEFUL!!!
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC AND STARTED BACK DRINKING TO COPE!!!
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
READ WILL RIGHT AFTER FUNERAL TO LET US KNOW WE WERE LEFT NOTHING!!!
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
IT HELPED ME TO KNOW THAT MY UNCLE LOVED ME AS MUCH AND PEOPLE WOULD
MENTION THINGS THAT HE TALKED ABOUT REGARDING THINGS WE DID AND IT
WARMED MY HEART...
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I ENJOYED IT AND DOES MY HEART GOOD TO REMEMBER HE IS NOT
FORGOTTEN...
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I WOULD LIKE TO ADD... AFTER HIS DEATH I HAD TO GO AND COLLECT HIS
PROPERTY.... I FOUND A PICTURE OF HIM AND I TOGETHER HUGGING ONE
ANOTHER!!! THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME I EVER SAW THIS PICTURE... I
CRIED AND SMILED.... A TREASURE TO MY HEART!!!
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Wed Feb 23 09:51:42 2000
M22 in , nj =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 62.
--Details:
see above
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. Death is a natural
part of the cycle of being.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Due to the cancer she was out of it and I didn't feel like it was
her anymore. Her body was there, but her mind was somewhere else. I
didn't even want to see her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried a little.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
absolutely nothing to me. I don't need anyone to tell me how to
think or feel.
--Religious Affiliation:
Past -> Catholic (not by any choice of my own)
Current -> none
really, but close to Buddhism
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the way I seemed much less upset than most of the others.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she kept calling for her mother
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
It let me realize that there is nothing to fear. It gave me a
renewed vigor for living and making every day count.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want to be cremated even though this is against my family's
beliefs. I don't want an open casket so everyone can gawk at my
lifeless body.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would love to know when I was going to die. I totally accept death
as a part of life. By knowing when I would die I could plan things
out and I could do all the things I wanted to before I died.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
She was sick for a while, so I kind of figured it was coming. She
smoked for 50 years and had a horrible cough for a long as I can
remember.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Wed Feb 23 09:07:56 2000
F55 in Indianapolis, IN =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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More personal info:
please do not post my personal info
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 16 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 69.
--Details:
I was more knowledgeable and centered in my acceptance of openness
in talking about death, including with my father.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a part of the human natural cycle. It is the end of the need for
a physical body,and it is characterized by the the stopping of all
the body's major organs.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a gradeschool classmate died during the
summer - I overhead the phone call to my parents. Decided out of
curiosity I wanted to go to the visitation.Unfortunately, and have
never learned why, no adult accompanied me to the calling. It left
a lot of questions that were never answered and the experience was
basically "buried" until multiple losses caused it to surface and
be dealt with.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my need to share with others - continue to remember my father vs. my
mother's desire to not bring anything up about him. It caused a
lot of stress knowing I had to avoid any mention of him when she
was around. It was/still is her way of coping with death/loss.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is a natural and *expected* course for humans. We cannot prevent
it by keeping it taboo.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the freedom it brought me....to realize that it's our choice to live
in a doldrum or take the opportunities that present themselves so
we don't look back later and "wish" we'd done more.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends and, because they were facing final exams, I sought
counseling. The latter helped me sort out a lot of the unfinished
business of this relationship and look at the old issues surrounding
my less effective way of coping with death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss of the person who listened to me...that they were not there
to *verbally* ask how my day was. (goodness, even as I type this
I can feel that lump...but it's ok *smile*)
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be genuine/honest with your feelings - don't hide them for fear of
'hurting' the dying person's feelings. and...remember touch and
hearing are the last 2 senses to stop so touch and speak lovingly,
reassuringly.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned from his death and can now assist others in their journey
with their dying loved one
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the nursing staff couldn't accept my saying (immediately after my
father's death) that he had "died"...no euphymisms....they were
*very* uncomfortable with that word. Yet I needed to hear myself
saying it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is healing!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have recorded Dad's voice telling stories from his past...
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be at bedside with him, holding his hand and whispering something
very important to him as he died. It's difficult to express how
'beautiful' that moment was.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
after the funeral/visitation (Dad was to be cremated) so many
extended family were in the house; the conversations were, to me,
completely unrelated to what had just occurred.....and I'd wished
they'd leave. Instead, I slipped out for a while and went to
a good friend's home where I could 'be myself' and not keep up
appearances.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
doing a 'traditional' funeral and burial.....we adhered to Dad's
requests (made while he was still capable of participating).
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I least expect it....it happens rarely anymore, but still slips in :)
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I really can't comment on this...I have never wanted to 'change my
life' back - I believe that we learn and grow and it would make me
a different person......and I like who I am now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had, for a couple of weeks, to linger in nauseated discomfort
(not pain) when he was ready to leave this body.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
(not pertinent)
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and felt anger (this was not about my father but about a
friend whose death I learned about after the funeral).
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
at that time they were not Hospice knowledgeable in this area.
The medical model was to try to aggressively treat, and repeatedly
we had to keep one MD at bay because he wanted to do a surgical
proceedure that Dad had refused.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I was unable toconnect to one
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
I've been involved in Christian faiths and studied toconvert to
reform Judaism (although I didn't)...currently I'm a spiritual
person with personal beliefs that correlate with Judaism but with
a belief that we reincarnate. This life is just too short to gain
what I believe we need to know before returning permanently to God
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
peaceful
--Regarding MONEY:
the funeral director was shocked when I dealt (prior to Dad's death)
with him as abusinessman and made selections not based on emotions
but on Dad's desires.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was Dad's choice.....but it was certainly "different"....and
makes me chuckle in retrospect
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
changes in the skin color - more mottled and cooler
extermities...less awareness -more sleeping...slowed breathing
....and when someone says the 'want to go home' - meaning to God
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I needed to move from being the family's information dissemator to
the role of being a grieving daughter.
Intellectualization is not
an effective grieving process.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I know he saw his mother and some others...because he spoke to them,
in fact asked me if I could see her. (I couldn't).
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
There has been sufficient time for me to have already processed this.
There was one unresolved question...but I've just accepted that it
will not be something I willlearn....and have moved forward
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
It was about 10 years after the death. One evening a friend and
I were talking about wishing we could hear the loved one's voice
again (her husband had died about 10 years before). I hadn't had
dreams of Dad for years. That night I dreamed of Dad and I - a
pleasant dream but I don't recall any of the specifics, only that
we were talking like we always had.........and in that dream his
voice was just as clear and obviously *his* as if he were with me.
When I awakened I remembered that part, and it satisifed my need.
I explain it in 2 ways: (1) Dad was actually visiting me thru dream
....and (2) the mind stores everything, so it tapped into the voice
that had been known in the past and presented it in dream state.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have appointed a medical representative who understands fully
what I do NOT want done
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would hope that I could continue to laugh and be remembered
for helping others to laugh along the way.
I expect it's much
different talking about what we would feel and do in a 'healthy'
body vs. actually facing our more immediate mortality. However,
when that happens I hope to do it with grace.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
When I was in need of Dad's advice that first year, I'd just talk
out loud to him (in a private place) and ask for something to help me
make a decision. Whether he provided it or it was my own abilities,
it helped :)
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
time passage, maturing and a clearer personal understanding of what
death is and is not
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Nursing staff to have been more aware of a family's emotional needs
and need to talk and to offer that....
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I appreciate that you are interested in researching this...and hope
that what I've shared is helpful although it's 16 yrs old
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Wed Feb 23 07:11:23 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
--Details:
my grandpa. 10 years. cancer around 65
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of time on earth. The place we go after we die is one of
lifes big mysteries, nobody knows what it is like.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Didn't know what to do. I saw my dad cry for the first time.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was my grandpa, and it bothered me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the funeral
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
i really don't know
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
he wasn't in any more pain
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
parents
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being around him
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
grandpa
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
he was buried
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went to my room and cried
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
it just took time
The nenory of all the things we did together
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Tue Feb 22 23:48:14 2000
M39 in , calif =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Utility worker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of idol, 22 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 42.
--Details:
Drug interaction contributed along with poor habits.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Spiritual living beyond is the understanding of our spieces.
We are told this by writings about our creator which happened
centuries ago and the only hope that it is true is our faith and
our feelings we our correct. We have an ability to sense what the
truth is about things like danger ahead or what not to believe.
We, as a spieces make numerous errors about what to believe and
it has caused many millions of deaths. I believe we have no true
concept, just a warped historical one, regarding what happens after.
My feelings, my gut instincts are that there
is more. I cannot
comprehend nothingness after all of this.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Did not feel the hurt of his loss. Just knew he wouldn't be around
any more. Saw that adults were more apt not to discuss it with me.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather died when i was 8.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Are they happier. I envied them if it was.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Faith
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The gift of no more suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking about hte person's life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
No longer sharing the fun stuff that life can give.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Letting the person know that their life mattered.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When I cried at the funeral of my grandmother. I don't cry.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
They would have laughed with me. Or they are.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
See my idol in person. Spoil my grandmother rotten. Know my
grandfather better who died when I was 8. Talk to my friend more
about how he mattered in this life.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Enjoy my grandmother for as long as I did.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear the music of the idol I enjoy listening to.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be more fulfilled.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
The good die young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Go back in time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
began to appreciate my life more than before.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Thank God I live now instead of then.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
We, as a culture, don't worship our elders.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a meeting point for family. I talk to God in private. I don't
feel him in church.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian off-shoot. Nazerine.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Simular. It is a strange feeling to attempt an understanding and
fall short like I was stopped
from knowing somehow.
--Regarding MONEY:
It pays to prepare. Most did but a few did not and
the family is
going through some problems.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was a way for all the players to be under one roof at the same
time and for the last time most likely.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I was envious they know what it is like.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
People who die slow leave better prepared.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Was more content that the end was near. Nothing was said about
it though.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
When I tried to commit suicide as a young man. (foolishly).
My dog
came in to the room where I was slowly overdosing.
I looked at him
(Probably the drug halucination) and he said
he was disapointed
without moving his mouth. Like he was
talking to me in english.
Weirdest thing. I don't tell anyone about that cause they would
obviously think I was sick. I was but not that sick. Scared the
heck out of me and one of the first things I said when I came out
of it was
the dog talked to me. Charlie was his name. You know,
the
doctor said anyone taking that much phenobarbital should
have died. They found residue in my stomach and toxic levels in
my blood yet here I am.. Healthy body or spiritual interaction?
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I need to deal with my idol's passing. His music and his life
is more than good marketing with me. More than I could
write
or explain. I feel my grandparents are happy together. My friend
is watching over his mother and
is not at piece because of poor
planning.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I wish I could have made your life easier Grandpa and grandma.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I feel that I am not alone when I am alone in a room.
Scary
feeling sometimes. I try to rationally figure it out. Never do.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Don't kill me because I'm going to die on my own. Just make me
comfortible.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Can't even begin to comprehend nothingness. What a waste if this
is all we get to do. How boring.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Face it nose to nose. Go to their rooms. Smell their
clothes. Remember everything.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Make more of your life spiritually. Give back, if just a little,
help a stranger once in a while. Don't cheat. Greed is bad.
Follw a moral path as best possible.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Talking is the best medicine for healing.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It reaffirms what I've lived with most of my life. Death is a
larger focus to me than life it seams. I am succesful and happy to
be alive yet wish to know what is next to an almost obsessive nature.
I wish I knew for absolute sure.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Good survey.
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Tue Feb 22 20:14:21 2000
F22 in Santiago, R. Metropolitana =Chile=
Name: lilith
Email: <lilith_i=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
casually
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Prof/Studies: university student
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More personal info:
Please post this. :)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 4-5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: not sure; Aged: 60 something.
--Details:
He died a couple of years after his wife, and I always believed that
he mostly died of grief, he was sick, but I think he mostly miss her.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the point in life in which we pass from one life to the next.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt mostly the pain of others, my mum and dad, her husband, my
cousin and other family members. I just felt that she was better
now. (The lack of grief from my part made me feel bad.)
--That first time, how it happened was
It was an aunt, but I can't say I new her very very well, I
saw
her only 2 or 3 times a month, sometimes less.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
thinking of my cousin, how he felt and look, at first he didn't seem
to be too sad, until the funeral, (where he finally cried). And then
after that, he didn't look upset, by I knew he has just trying to
keep it together.
--What I think my (Chile) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it's OK to talk about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that,(in the case of the first death that I recall), she stop
suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
what I believe in.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing him, I liked him very much,- and thinking of my cousin; an
aunt of us took care of him, but for that he had to move to another
city, it must have been hard to leave all of his friends at that
time, (a time of need of support of family but also of friends)-.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to listen to them, to try to appreciate and value the time with
them and what they have to say, that gives you time to say your
goodbyes, too.
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
(as I said before), had time to say my goodbyes.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I knew he has dying.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never did laugh or felt the need to. Not that is wrong, I just
didn't feel like laughing. But I have seen people do it, the first
time though I couldn't believe someone would laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
know them better.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
handle it well.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I don't get "teary-eyed" about the ones that are already gone,
but of the ones that are still here.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
actually I think is not fair that some people here could go, like
my parents.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
it dosen't get difficult to remember, the difficult part is to
loock ahead, and what I wish for is that there could be a way to
stay in touch once a person is gone.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
mostly miss her. And was sad I never got to know her very well. (You
allways think you'll have the time for that).
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I didn't go to the hospital, those places are what most depress
people, I went once or twice but no more, I went more to the house
of the her after they said there was nothing to be done.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
for me religion dosen't mean anything, don't get me wrong, I'm not
being disrespectful, I just don't believe in God. But I went to
the church and the funeral.
--Religious Affiliation:
I'm agnostic.
--Regarding MONEY:
it didn't play an issue, at least not a bad one.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to hear that he/she is OK.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want people to think of the good times I had with them, the times
that were more happy for them and me.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be very shock at first, then I would try to do some of the
things I always wanted. After that I don't know, I guess I would
be very sad to leave my friends and family.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I didn't have an "event" or something like that which helped me,
I just did, don't know why.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I guess only the believe in afterlife, in mystic things that no
other person I know believes in.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
Thoughts of afterlife.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
Lack of Awareness
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It's always a nice experience to share what you have learn in some
situations, and is interesting to find out if other people think
(or feel) like you.
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Tue Feb 22 18:07:59 2000
F50 in Hibbing, MN =US=
Name: M Hunt
Email: <north_40=at=hotmail.com>
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I started this yesterday and stopped about half way...will finish
this now.
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Prof/Studies: job/clerk student see above
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
this would only apply if the person had a lingering illness, but
not if the death were sudden..as in a suicide or accidental death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
that death could really happen to me was not relavent when my
father died. It was the 1st immeidate experience. As time goes
by and your experiences with death increase you develop your own
coping mechanisms to deal with it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My father died in the hospital and I was not in attendance.
However years later when my mother died, at home, I was the one
to find her. The living room appeared to be in a fog. I saw her
and she appeared to be sleeping peacefully. However I knew she
was dead. I thought in my head, "It is ok mom, I have you know,
it will be ok you can go." and the room cleared of the fog.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have dealt with the issues of my father's death. Some of the
issues from growing up with my mother after my father's death
are not resolved. I pretty much deal with them as they come up.
I ask myself 1 question first off. Is it necessary in my life
to deal with this. If it is, then I want to find out if it is a
positive or negative factor. If I don't want it in my life I find
a way to eliminate it from my life. Sometimes talking with a close
friend helps. Sometimes I seek professional help to deal with it.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I think our minds only let us deal with as much as we can handle.
In overload the mind shuts down. At least mine does. I am not
sure what would happen in a conversation, it is hypothetical.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Years after my father's death, I had a "dream" about him. I had
never gotten a chance to tell him I loved him or he had never said
he loved me. In the dream I could almost touch him. I could feel
him there with me. We exchanged our love for each other talked about
our lives together when he was here. I did not want to wake up from
that dream, but when I did I could smell my father's after shave in
the room. He always used Old Spice. It was about 6 months after
my divorce, 17 yrs ago, and there was no Old Spice in the house.
Even the kids smelled it. Upon awakening I also had a hard time
breathing and was gasping for air.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
If I am to die so be it. I would not want to remain on machines
for the sake of keeping the body alive when the brain were dead.
Allow dignity to the person in the process of dying and allow it
to happen. Although it would be a difficult decision, I would have
to think of the person and not myself if placed in the opposite
postion of having to decide on letting someone live or die.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Again hypothetical. We all die and I have coped with the fact
that at some point it will happen to me. I don't know if from the
other side I would be able to touch the lives I have physically left
behind or not. That would be an experience to come if it exists.
I would like to have everyone know I loved them. I have given
the kids much of what I would have in a will. (Just moved and am
getting tired of carting boxes of memorabelia around--so they got
it to cart around now.)
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I can't remember any at the time of my father's death. I suppose
time just dealt with the emotional part of the death as time copes
with many things. My mother's death was expected as she was ill
with diabetes and heart problems. I had pretty much dealt with
the issues of finding her, as I was the only one living in the area.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I can think about my parents at any time during the day/s. I find
this most prevalent when I am doing something they have taught me
during the years we were together.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
just hold me and let me cry it out. then lets talk if appropriate.
quiet can be healing too.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I have taken a couple courses in death and dying in my studies.
I am a psyc/counseling major in my grad studies. I have come to
terms and dealt with a great many issues through that. The only
thing I can say for sure right at this moment is I would prefer
not to die tomorrow. I have to much I would like to share and
teach and give to others now. My 50th birthday is on Sat. and
52 is a magic year for dying on my fathers side of the family.
It really makes you appreciate living when the 'possibility' of a
soon to come death could happen to you.
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Mon Feb 21 19:54:29 2000
F59 in Williamstown, NJ =USA=
Name: Jeanne McCann
Email: <jjmcc367=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
daughter in grad school-psychology counseling
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Prof/Studies: Medical office manager
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Widowhood
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Joyce Brothers
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 13 months ago.
Cause of Death: medical neglect; Aged: 59.
--Details:
he was neglected after heart surgery and he had a cardiac
arrest.
he was revived but had brain and kidney damage due to lack of
oxygenated blood and remained in a coma for 5 weeks until the
doctors decided he should die.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
physical separation on this earth
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
hated it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my son's fiance got leukemia and died exactly
10 months from the day of diagnosis.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I did not expect or want this to ever happen.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to be able to discuss this before it occurs.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My opportunity to be there as much as I was during the hospital
period.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Going to the lake with my dog.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not having him with me any more to touch or to talk to.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To be there and to do whatever they want you to do.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Much I loved him and how much I miss him and the close, caring and
fun relationship we had.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The medical community treated him and me so poorly.w
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I don't remember laughing. I remember being extremely happy at
small signs of his awareness while in the coma even though the
doctors made fun of all we said we saw.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have moved to Florida sooner and carried out our retirement dreams
so that he could have enjoyed them and maybe the events would have
never taken place.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Plan a nice funeral that was a wonderful tribute to him and that
the family and friends could benefit from.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
He seemed to be aware of what we said at times and respond-
ed so
that we were sure of it. It was very gratifying and
helpful to
me and the kids.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
That we had just gone on a cruise to Europe before this happened
and had traveled quite a bit in the last few years.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am no where near over it. I still feel disbelief at the
whole
scene and can't believe it all happened. I can get very distressed
when I start remembering what he went through.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be happy and satisfied and invigorated to enjoy the life
together we had planned.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the doctors and the hospital did not treat him properly, if
they had we would be in Florida today and fishing and boating and
enjoying our new home.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Bring him back
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was unable to accept the reality and the horror he went
through.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
hatred for the doctors and their employees that misrepresent,
mistreated and ignored the obvious condition
he was in.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
That Jim is in Heaven and that someday I will see him again
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that he is able to guide us and to be near us in spirit
--Regarding MONEY:
it didn't help, all our planning he did not get any benefit from and
for me to be able to have a motor home and a new home by myself is so
empty. It is just something to do. Nothing seems gratifying anymore
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
That it was so nice to have lots of people come and say nice things
about Jim and to just show up.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How his mother could speak badly of him after his death.Make
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Make sure the medical people are not ignoring obvious symtoms of
distress and providing proper treatment in a timely manner.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It is important for me to do whatever I can for the person
and to
not avoid being there just because it is difficult.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My son's fiance saw her dad who had predeceased her in her final
hours.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I do not have unresolved issues thank God. My only unresolved
issues are with the medical community and with my in-laws.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
That I miss him so much and want him back with me and that I am sorry
that he went thru so much and that I couldn't make the doctors take
better care of him. He was always sure that I could fix anything.
He probably can't believe what happened went out of my control.
I'd like to have him tell me that he is ok. I'd like him to know
about the kids and the grandkids. Maybe he already knows, I hope so!
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
On the cruise just before his medical crisis we had a special
evening, a special dinner, he gave me a heart neck-lace and earring
as a surprise and we videoed outside and then went in to a lounge
where we listened to music. Jim requested our song"Till there was
you" and he videoed us dancing to it. I was not able to see the
video until sometime after he died. I took my girlfriend on the
cruise we had booked while on this cruise with Jim, one year later
and the same night on the same ship we ate with some friends we
had met in the same restaurant, I was looking for my friend. After
searching for her for some time I went to the same lounge where we
had danced to our song and within 2 minutes the band started playing
our song"Till there was you". Earlier that day, I had prayed for
a sign that Jim knew I was there. I was so stunned I didn't even
think of my earlier in the day request. At 3:30 am I woke up mad
because I had believed that my sign would be in the form of a dream
and that Jim would come to me in a dream. I went to the bathroom
and was mad. All of a sudden I heard a voice behind me saying,"I
gave you your sign!". I was then overwhelmed at the way the song
just happened to play at the very moment I went to that lounge,
not to stay, just passing through. I was very overjoyed and much
more at peace about me being on the ship and Jim's awareness of
me and my where
abouts. That helped a lot. There were several
other coindences that occurred on that cruise that indicated that
my path was laid out in advance and that I was meant to be there
and in fact Jim was there also.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Just listen to them and try to respect their wishes and be
supportive and tell them you love them and validate their life and
their efforts.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Jim and I always wanted to be together when we died. I would feel
so sad that I was alone, without him.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Going to the lake with my dog and my coffee. Now they have blocked
off the entrance to the lake which is very cruel and unnecessary.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have not gotten back to my own life. I just go from day to day
and fill time.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I already was friends with Janice and now that we both lost our
husbands we have a very stong bond. I have met some new friends
through some of the groups, but no real solid ones yet.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have always tried to reach out to others and many have tried to
reach out to me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me sad. I have lots more healing to do.i
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I think you should ask us about the person that died. No-one seems
to acknowlege their existence once they are gone. I hate that.
It would be good to tell about them and it would be helpful also to
the griever to express the good and/or bad qualities in the person
or in their relationship.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Feb 21 16:36:34 2000
F40 in Ashland, Oregon =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Typed in "Hospice" on Google.com
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Prof/Studies: Soc/Psych/Phil - Interdisciplinary
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
A Year to Live, Who Dies?
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Stephen Levine
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 21 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: pneumonia; Aged: 53.
--Details:
My father was a successful business man. Business was more important
to him than his health. He work all week with a terrible cold,
achy fluish symptoms... never went to the Dr. Died at 4:30 a.m. at
thome in bed. In retrospect, my father would have hated to die
a slow death (who wouldn't?) but I resented that he never fought
to live... I was just becoming an adult - I was very mad at him.
Now I have let go of the anger, but I still question why he had no
will to live to be an old man.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of the usefulness of our physical body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand the permenance of death. I kept thinking my aunt
was going to come back.
--That first time, how it happened was
My aunt was killed in a car accident (remember corvairs? it blew
up) when I was 6. My uncle - her husband, committed suicide the
next year. I was at both funerals and my father was executor for
both estates.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was just talking to the guy the other day (a member of our church
died suddenly of a stroke) - he was driving a patrol car and was
joking around with me. What a shock to hear he died.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That we all are going to die one day and that we need to take care
of the dying.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I realize that my father lives on in me - all the things he taught
me - that I am passing on to my daughter.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Being allowed to cry - to be a lump on the couch for a while - to
just be - without having to impress anyone - or take care of anyone -
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Going back to the daily routine of work - no one had a clue what
was going on inside of me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just hold their hands and give them permission not to talk - read a
book to yourself - and just hold their hand - don't leave them alone.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to talk frankly about her death and listen to her about
anything she wanted to tell me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I felt helpless - she was in pain and there was nothing I could do.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
didn't happen. :-(
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
sit with her more often.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get her story and hear her life as she remembered it. It was good
for both of us.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
They are no longer there - to do the things we normally do together -
My friend Roe died last year - we always had thanksgiving brunch at
his house - so this Thanksgiving was so sad... I really missed him.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why didn't I die... instead?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was listening to a tape of her life story and I wanted to ask her
a question and she wasn't there.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they don't like dying people. - the relagate them to the far reaches
of the ward...
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
- pastor and deacons.
--Religious Affiliation:
Presbyterian
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Did you know that after they cremate you that they put your bones
in this sort of blender thing and crush them up??? UGH.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? The Funeral
Remember the person who died. Do something they liked to do.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
With my father who died when I was 20, I kept asking could I have
done something different? As well as... why didn't he fight to
live? (He didn't go to the Dr. - Died of Pneumonia at home.)
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It's too long!!! UGH... I want to help... but I wasn't prepared
to spend an hour doing it.
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Mon Feb 21 12:12:21 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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just browsing
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 37 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 52.
--Details:
It occurred 2 days before my 13th birthday. It was the 1st
experience with death in our immediate family cluster.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the existance of our spiritual self on an alternative plane than
as it exists for us here and now.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
about 10. my uncles. My father died a few years later.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my uncle died and I cried...dad said it was
ok to cry.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the sorrow and loss everyone felt. I thought of the peace and
serenity of the person who died.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
The Christian life believes in re-birth into a heavenly plane.
Taoist reincarnation. Similar concepts to a degree, but death is a
process of living. It is not pleasant to adjust to for those left
behind to deal with. But experiencing it in all honesty and letting
go of the pain involved with the death is necessary. It is ok to
hurt initially, but you need to give yourself permission to heal too.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the death of my parents although years apart, was a blessing in
that they no longer hurt in this plane of life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the change in attitudes I had. Maybe it was just the experience and
growth of wisdom I have had through the years. Experiencing death
as a child of 10 or even 13 was very painful. Through the years
it became easier to deal with as I grew in maturity and acceptance
of death as a part of life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss of personal time. But I find now that even though the
loss of those close to me are physically gone, I still have "mini
conversations" with them. "Thanks dad/mom for teaching me xyz."
Something of that sort. I guess it is actually talking to myself in
reality, but you gain wisdom from those around you and acknowledging
that even to youself is not wrong.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
At the funeral it was a good time to remember what was important
about the relationship we had. It was also an important ritual in
that it was a time for letting go and growth as well.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have learned to grow from the experience.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
at my father's death, I was totally ignored. The pain I felt as
a family member was never acknowledged.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did not laugh. I regressed into myself. But laughter is a
stress reliever. And good "medicine" for those who need it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my father just how much I loved him before he died. Emotions
were a no no in my growing up on my mother's side of the family...my
father's family showed more emotion.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
grow in wisdom from the experience(s) of death.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
that of the gathering of people. There was a lot of support for
my mother at my father's death.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
many thought my dad died so young. (52) and I guess it was, but
he was gone and that would never change. From the time he died,
we only had memories and that was what we would have to suffice
ourselves with. and that would follow for all the deaths that I
had to deal with in the future as well.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of all the living and teaching and learning that could have
been accomplished and was lost. Hearing someone say they love you
is not the same as telling you they love you.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My life would not have been so difficult personally if my father had
not died. I took over a lot of his responsibilities in the family.
My older sister was away at school, and my younger one only 9 and
to young. He would have seen his grandchildren and even great
grand children if he were still alive now. Of us 3 girls (I am
in the middle) I am the only one who had children. He would have
been pleased.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Yes, it got very difficult at times. But I never gave up on living
or experiencing life. I became the workaholic my father was.
Still am and now I am 50 next Sat. Now more important to me is that
I slow down. i want to enjoy my life and sharing it with others.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
had just been in a world of oblivian not accepting my father's
death for a long time. I was young and never really had someone in
the immediate family die or been near death before. It took me a
long time to deal with this death. Deaths that occurred after this
were a bit easier to deal with. I had become acquainted with the
process. First one is always most difficult.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Now they could have handled the heart problem my father had.
Also it was complicated by an ulcer and that was a bad combo to
have back then.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice was not available then. However I have volunteered time
with hospice.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not a lot at the time of my father's death. I was to young. Now I
see it as those who die will have a better life in a different
dimension.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am a Christian and believe in the afterlife. But I also read
different philosphies on death and religions. Many of those make
good sense too.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comfortable. Although through the christian religions, I have
learned that the spirit is gone and we will never touch lives again,
it is hard to explain the recurring visits I have had with my
father through the subconscious levels of my thinking. In dreams
and even in quick glances of an existance here or there. I have
not had these experiences with my mother or other's who have died.
Maybe I have not quite accepted that death as I have the others.
It was the first and strongest in the reactions I felt.
--Regarding MONEY:
My fathers death left us impoverished. It was hard to go on
financially.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was not my father in the coffin...he did not smile like that.
He always had a half smirk cuz he chewed snuff and his mouth
did not look right. He also did not wear suits only work
clothes...comfortable clothes not suits.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the enormous amounts of food that was brought to the house.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
my father's death was sudden and fast. My mothers was lingering.
It did come easier to know that death was inevitalbe for her.
I was also older and had more time to complete the things I needed
to for her and that did not happen with my dad.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
now finding the inner peace of self is most important to me.
feeling that dealing with the death whether violent or non violent
is important withing myself. letting go of the pain and remembering
the positive.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
at that time...don't acknowledge it and it won't hurt...from my
mother's perspective
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Mon Feb 21 10:08:30 2000
F26 in mays landing, nj =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: graduate student in applied psychology
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Talking and Reaching to Heaven
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
James Van Pragh
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: COmplications from heart surgery; Aged: 59.
--Details:
He was recovering nicely but was bleeding internally. It was a
sever medical screw-up.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of reaching out to someone
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Thought I could control death by changing my behaviors
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my soccer coach's son was hit by a car during
soccer season
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Is the horrible shock and anger due to the mistakes leading to
his death
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That grieving is an individual process
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I decided to get married and go back to school
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking, Therapy and books
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
An unbearable sense of sadness and of being cheated out of a father
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To always live as if and tell the person what they mean to you
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Lif eis short so take advantage and always say I love you
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The funeral
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did not laugh until long after
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk to him one last time
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Live
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think back toward any of the events that preceded his death
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
There would be no pain and his body would have no scars
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the doctor's killed him
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
See my father's spirit
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Became severly depressed
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They often get complacent and make errors and the result is that
people die
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
THat he is is heaven
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding MONEY:
My mother had to see an attorney when my father was dying in the
hospital to secure his assets
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The love and respect people had for my fahter
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I am still very much at the beginning stages of a grief a year later
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my father plays my music box when he visits me
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have left nothing unsaid
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I wish he would tell me that he had to go and he felt no pain
or suffering
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It can be a double edged sword
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
We get toghether as a family on specific events
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i got close to several people who supported me through that difficult
time, including my fiance
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
developed OCD
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was somewhat therapuetic
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Depending on the stage of grief people may not wan to hear about
what good has come out of it
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Mon Feb 21 00:53:13 2000
M39 in Glenmora, Louisiana =USA=
Name: Ralph Wade Ferguson
Email: <pistonhips=at=centurytel.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--Death Is:
a sure way to get on with your life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was upset...because i am afraid of ghosts...they may be nice and
encouraging, but they're still scary.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grand mother's kidneys' failed
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I miss my father most.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
cremate
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I had the nerve to tell my father that I loved him before he
died...he is the best man I have ever met. he let me be me and
let me be him in a way...I would think he likes me and the way
I think about things. DAD if you are listening...I love screwing
black women,white women and any other women...I am sure that there
is no color in your place and please tell mama ollie that I miss her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That I was not there..my brother had to go to the hospital and I am
sure he felt alone...very alone....but I was four hours away...he
asked me questions as what to do and I could not provide the
answers. I'm sure he is still hurting.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Please meet my father and emma as quick as possible...they're the
angels you want to know.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
avoided a car accident...thanks dad.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I heard of the death in question.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never laughed
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye to emma
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell my father that I REALLY LOVE HIM
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I asked my father not to haunt me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
he is in my thoughts every day
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember how he would take the time to play catch with me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
you're crazy....experience the loss..cherish the good thoughts and
get on with your life....have kids ,treat them well,question their
behavior,complete the circle of life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
kick the person who asks these questions straight off the planet.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
will never understand why great people are taken from me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
ask the dead people...until you've been there , nobody will ever
know.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
none
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a chance to say our see you heaven dad and emma.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
see you in heaven and here dad and emma.
--Regarding MONEY:
there is no money...and if there was i would trade it for my dad
to be here with me.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
being dead
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
tell the goat joke....it still makes me laugh.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my sister had a picturesque dream after my father died.my brother
had a olfactory prescence ...he smelled the same odor as when he
identified my father....it was two weeks after my dad passed.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Sun Feb 20 20:19:00 2000
M33 in Riverside, ca =duh=
Name: Ah....I forget.
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
link from class homepage at UC Riverside
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--That first time, how it happened was
3 different grandparents died w2hen I was young
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
These are indeed my earliest experiences, however, they are not
by any means the most significant. But I presume you wish the
questions answered as read.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
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Sun Feb 20 17:04:12 2000
F in mex, mex =mex=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, is dying ago.
Cause of Death: age; Aged: 75.
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--Death Is:
stop existing in a vain world, re-starting in a better way. leaving
yuor physicall body and needs, and being liberated from what keeps
who and how you really are.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn´t do anything
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...attempt of suicide
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
nothing at all,in fact it was something quite good
--What I think my (mex) culture needs to better learn about death is:
everything
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
dying
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
no support at all
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
no hard part
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i realiza death could help me
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didn´t do anything
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
haven´t dealt it ,tried it again
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Sun Feb 20 14:43:37 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 12yrs ago.
Cause of Death: drowning; Aged: 21.
--Details:
no
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--Death Is:
just a comma in our life. Whether we are Christian or not....if
you have come ot know Christ as your personal Savio you are going
to heaven for eternity. If you haven't you chose to go to hell.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
ran in my room and cried
--That first time, how it happened was
My uncle died when I was 6 years old from drowning...I had a lot
of special memories wit hhim and at the time I couldn't comprehend
what it was to actually die.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
me having to tell my dad that his dad died
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is just a brief pause
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
sometimes it takes a tragedy like death to to make you see thing
more clearly and get your own life back on track.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
God
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that they had gone without acknowledging that they needed
Jesus
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
sometimes the most comforting things don't have to be spoken.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
grew in my walk with Christ
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was little and couldn't understand the full concept of death.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never felt like laughing
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
witness to those who had died
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
continue to trust God
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
you actually htink you don't need Jesus. Because He is our only
real need in life...the only thing that matters.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
grew a lot closer to GOd and my family
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
God
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Sat Feb 19 21:22:48 2000
F23 in Houston, Texas =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Law Enforcement
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 8yrs ago.
Cause of Death: natural causes; Aged: 73.
--Details:
My Grandmother died two years before my Grandfather and I honestly
believed he died from a broken heart. He was very healthy and
had no problems until my family moved him to Arkansas to live with
my aunt and uncle. All of his friends and the rest of our family
was here and here he was taking care of himself. he was only in
Arkansas about 4 months before he passed away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the loss of life. The loss of our living being, while our souls
go on to live in another realm.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried for hours and really did not understand what had happened.
I always was thinking I would see the person the next day. It was
hard to accept that they were gone.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...one of my sister's best friends was killed
while someone was trying to steal something from him. He was shot in
the head and was in the hospital for a week and then he finally died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I felt that if my Grandfather would have stayed here in Texas
he would still be living and that it was not fair.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that when someone dies who is very close to you you can't put a time
limit or whatever on the grieving period. Such as you get 3 days
off work to attend funeral and time off to grieve. Some people may
need more time or whatever. I think that people are not sensitive
to those who have lost someone in their lives.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the time that I got to spend with those I loved before they died and
the lessons I learned from them before they died and even what their
death taught me. How it helped me to deal with other things better.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family and friends being there for me. Even if it was in silent
times, just knowing that I had people there was comfort.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss. Knowing that they would not be there to see me grow up,
to get married, graduate high school or college. That my grandma
was not able to make my prom dress like we planned. The little
things really.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i think that the people who died would not be upset that I laughed
as I did or that when I thought of them I woul dfeel good and laugh.
I know that they would have wanted me to remember the good times
and not dwell on their death but to remember them and get on with
my life.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
See my grandmother before she died. I was too old yet also too young
to go into her ICU room and see her according to the hospitals rules.
It really upset me and I was unable to see her and say bye or tell
her I loved her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help my family through the situations. They tell me that I really
helped them through the hard times by being strong even though I
cried alot.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people may find this strange while others may think it normal i am
not sure. When my grandparents died, both of them, I found it very
important to touch them at the funeral. I really did not think
that I could do it but once there it really helped me alot.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see certain things on TV or in movies that remind me of the
people I tend to cry. And at times when I really wish they could
have been there to see me accomplish my goals I have set. I also
tend to really think of my grandmother, whom I consider my Guardian
Angel, when things are just not going well in my life.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I have tried to imagine my life with my grandparents still here and I
have to say it is great but I know that my life has been pretty good
knowing that they are still here with me just in a different way.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I have a degree in criminal justice so having to see and hear alot
about inmates in jail makes me always think that it is not fair
that these people can take lives and still be able to see their
families and their victims families don't have that oppurtunity. I
find that very unfair. And I think it is unfair that good people,
such as a kid I went to school with was killed at such a young
age and not given the opportunity to live a full life. But I also
think that everything happens for a reason.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see them one more time and hug them and kiss them
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. I am a crier. I also tend to begin to reflect on all the
good times that I spent with that person and try to find ways to
keep them alive in my heart.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
i know that they did all they could for my family but I also am
still upset and bitter that because of my age was was denied the
opportunity to see my grandma one more time before she passed away
in the ICU unit
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist. I do not attend church on a regular basis though, my
parents did not believe in oraganized religion very much
--Regarding MONEY:
it caused my family to fight over who got what when my grandfather
died. My aunt felt like she deserved more than anyone else because
she took care of my grandfather before he died.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone there seemed to have truly loved and respected my
grandfather and had a great respect for the feelings of us the family
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeign my grandfather tell my grandmother good bye over her body
in the casket as we walked out of the funeral home.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Family and friends have been the best support and help for me to
deal with death
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Feb 19 19:15:11 2000
F22 in richmond, ky =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 70.
--Details:
She died a few days before my 16th birthday. She had struggled with
cancer for several years.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
having someone you care about disappear forever
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very upset about it
--That first time, how it happened was
It was a family of young children I knew who died in a house fire.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how much it hurt losing someone I loved and trying to come to terms
that I would never see them again
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
what really happens
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
hearing people talk about what a wonderful person my grandma was
and how many lives she touched
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I wrote alot
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
trying to talk about what I was feeling
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
letting them know its okay to let go. Tell them how much they've
meant to you and that you love them. There comes a time when it is
time to stop fighting and just let go.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first found out that she died. It was an emotional overload
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
its better to remember the good times than to dwell on the loss. keep
the memories of that person alive
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let my grandmother know that I love her
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have my friends to talk to whenever I needed to vent
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my mother yelled at me because she had lost her mom and she seemed
to forget that I lost someone I loved too
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
telling me that she looked good in the coffin. Thats not what my
grandmother looked like and I dont want them to say it is
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I feel alone and sometimes when I think of something I want to tell
her and I remember shes gone
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think it would be all that different.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when my friends in high school died so young. By the age of 18 I
had buried 11 friends.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to her and get a response.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
distrust. I don't feel that they did enough to help her
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
a wonderful experience. The hospice catered to all of her needs so
she could remain at home as long as possible
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
having faith that she is in a better place
--Religious Affiliation:
christian/presbyterian/methodist
--Regarding MONEY:
it didn't seem to have any effect
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
trying to be hospitable to people when all i wanted to do was curl
up in a ball and cry
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
trying to find things that still had her smell and her touch on
them. Just this Christmas I found her hairbrush that had her hair
in it and I was overwhelmed because I still had a small part of
her and could touch a small part of her. I know this sounds stupid.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I heard of nothing such as this
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I wish I had told her I love her
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i want to know that she's okay
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I haven't really had one of these but there was a week when my
parents (who are divorced and live in seperate places) & I (who
live 4 hours away from my parents) all dreamt about her with
similar themes relevant to our lives. I dreamt that she was mad
at me about something, and my parents (who were divorcing at this
time) had dreams saying that the divorce was okay and they would
be fine. It really scared me because my dream was very vivid and
I woke up crying. It still bothers me.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i really worry about that and am very scared of dying
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote alot of poetry at this time
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
When this happens to me I make alot of changes in my life. I tend
to push away some people while drawing others closer. I remember
becoming very close to a guy I knew. I've even dumped guys I was
dating to date guys who were involved in the death (it was their
friend too & they were there when the person died as was I)
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
I think I was too young to really understand
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Feb 18 02:41:21 2000
F46 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Director or a Non profit society
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Lover, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 43.
--Details:
It came too fast.. three months from the diagnoses till his death.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life as we know it... a passage to another life form
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was vry young and got very scared. It was my father's mother.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
shock, disbelief, tears and such very overwhelming anger.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
we must live life to the fullest as soon as we can cause there
might not be a tomorrow.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
helplessness to change the situation.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
do not deny what that person is living in order to protect him. The
dying person is trying to protect us and in all this communication
becomes difficult when you don't have time for it to be so.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the actual death occured
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him how much I loved him and that I was with him till the
end and wanted him to meet me on the other side when my turn came.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see him in everyday situations but he's not there anymore.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was too young to go.. We didn't get a chance to really share
our love the way it was supposed to be.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be dead with him now.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
had to go to the cemetary over and over again to find some kind
of peace and closure and feel a sense of being still with him.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like he comes to me in those moments when I find it too difficult
to deal with it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
His friend and family carrying his coffin inside the church as a
last tribute to him.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
As I was driving in front of his office a few days after his death
and feeling such pain, I felt his presence and found that my
left hand was on my right hand squeezing it in comfort. This was
a gesture that was done in such an unconscious manner as if his
hand was on my right hand and doing the squeezing. He was so very
present then and there in another form but very present.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My funeral is already planned the way I want it and I feel like
I've done what I was put on this earth to accomplish so I"m ready
to go anytime. I'm now in peace with the fact that he will be
waiting for me when I'm ready to go as before I had no one on the
other side to come for me
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I must keep his photo available at all times.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? The Funeral
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Feb 17 17:49:35 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 20 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 36.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
leaving this hell hole of an earth
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried
--That first time, how it happened was
my grandmother died of natural causes
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the funeral
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
you are born to die-deal with it
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Thu Feb 17 13:05:42 2000
F26 in Tulsa, Okla =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Acct. Clerk
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Pagan Book of Life and Death
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 10 months ago.
Cause of Death: 14th heart attack; Aged: 64.
--Details:
he was at work, at the golf course...nobody noticed he was slumped
over hanging half way out the door of his car.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our physical selves, our bodies can not function any
longer, and our spirits must exit the bodies.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I saw a woman in a car accident, her head was severed, I was about
7 or 8 years of age. We had to stay there because the road was
blaocked off completely...we could see the police men bagging up
the body after they took pictures.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my cousin committed suicide three days after
his new son was born. He was supposed to be on his way to pick up
his wife and new baby from the hospitial, but he never made it.
That found him against the rocks at the bottom of the Dam near
where we lived. His car was parked in the middle of the highway,
lights on, stereo on, door open, keys in the ignition-car on-
and he just jumped.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
remaining calm until I was alone.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's not the end...it's only the beginning
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I met my brother for the first time at my fathers funeral, a long
time I've wanted to meet him, but it was so bittersweet due to my
fathers death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself. knowing that I could do this on my own
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
letting go
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen as much as you can...pay attention to every word, smiles
alot..hug alot. Share alot.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
would rather die to be with him than do anything else in the world
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the doctor said there was nothing he could do.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never experienced this....yet. I've not laughed since the day
before his death.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye, one last time...said I love you, Smiled bigger that
last day...said something funny....made a valid point...made a
profound statement...hugged one last time...
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Not nut-up on anyone over the entire thing....
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the stupid funeral home left his hands dirty..they never washed
them off. It was disheartening and heartbreaking
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the flowers we received
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a sunset....hear birds, see the river....breathe the fresh
air...see snow...look at the stars, watch clouds roll in, every
waking moment
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
nothing.....we'd be together and happy
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I wasn't anything...I never had to prove myself....now I do
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die and find him
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
realized our mortality and understood I too shall die
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
nothing...my regular doctor says I'm over it...there's nothing to
worry about. He says I've been a baby for long enough.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. I'm a practicing Witch, within the Paganism traditions.
Church means nothing to me.
--Religious Affiliation:
Paganism has always been my religion, since I was very small.
--Regarding MONEY:
everything was expensive and hard to deal with after the
death....Everyone needed money for something or another...it was
terrible.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I wanted only me to be there..
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
everything.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I don't know..I wasn't there.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it's never going to be over..It will never subside....I will never
fully deal with it. I don't want to
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I don't know how to explain this part.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
you really don't want to know.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I couldn't begin to explain it, my doctors claims I'm crazy.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
there are really too many
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I wish it would hurry up. I'm ready to be with dad again.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
thinking...long and hard on everything
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I'm making a name for myself in college, at work, creating my own
business and doing the best I can for myself.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
none, in fact my bet friend of tens years came down to help me plan
everything..then secretly left the morning of the funeral to go
to an insurance conviention for her job. She said she was sorry,
but I can't imagine work being more important.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I don't know.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I'm crying...how's that?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Feb 17 04:45:09 2000
M42 in langley, bc =canada=
Name: rob
Email: <chindit22=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: acciden; Aged: 39.
--Details:
Older big brother type friend,died in a motorcycle crash.Very
suspicious nature to entire event,and never have gotten to the
bottom of it? Detail's,didn't jive?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the absolute,and much too definate end, of everything we know!
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was ok with it,because of the person's age.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...an elderly neighbor died of illness,
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I can't really answer? She hasn't died,just yet. But, my girlfriend,
is gravly ill,with cancer.I've tried to be supportive,but don't
know if I can even handle this,myself?
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
there is no such thing,as coming back as a dog!We have only one
soul,and we will be accountable for all we've done, throughout
our live's!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my friend's suffering will finaly end.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing how sad it was for her, to understand,she'd never see her
children,grow up.And? Watching her having to deal with a way to
let go.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Try to remain strong for the dying person. The saddness on my
face,sometimes has showen through,and it's made her feel guilty.It's
tough as hell,but the best thing you can do for her,is to keep her
from seeing your own sorrow.
--[My Lover's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
would just as soon not talk about it,with them.Watching one close
to you die,is hell,in so many way's.That's all you'll learn,alright!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I'd already seen how she'ed suffered and fought,so terribly,only
to lose in the end.You'd think,there'd be,a limit,or something?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I'm certain she would realize,it was only my mind's way of protecting
itself,against the stress.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
become the man she truely hoped I'd be.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
convince her,she'd been loved,in her time.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we'd began to speak about it,as a certainty,other than a,
improbability.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that she was still married to another man? What differance does it
make? He didn't love her,anyway!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
broke down and grieved,until I thought I'd gone insane!
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I can't say?
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I'd like her to know,in her heart,that I'd loved her,dearly? And? I
was never ashamed of being,with her. It was an issue with her,and
I hope I'd managed to reieve her of those fear's,before the end?
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like for her to tell me the absolute truth,of all thing's,I'd
been uncertain of?
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My friend returned in a dream. He'd been sitting on my parant's
porch step's,when I'd rounded the corner,looking terribly sad. I
don't think he spoke,but I did get the feeling,he was not happy?
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Make out your will,well in advance.The selfishness of other's,can
be shocking?
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Just that,I hope I've been a blessing to the one's, I've knowen? And
that I apologize, for any wrong done?
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Nothing!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I know now,I won't live forever. I think,I try to be kinder and
more thoughtfull of other's?
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Strong belief in afterlife. (heaven+hell)
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
It would have been nice if my brother would have offered more
help?Without me asking,I mean.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I don't care for the onr remark-(how do I most want other's to
remember me)while this,difficult time? Or? What have I learned,from
my loved one's death? What do you think, I've learned?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Feb 16 19:12:26 2000
F36 in Jackson, MS =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, three weeks ago.
Cause of Death: leukemia; Aged: 79.
--Details:
I lost my father to an illness that claims, in most cases young
people, my father was strong and fought to the end, I stayed with
him every day (53 days.) I was very close to him and am seeking
help with my grief.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Goodbye
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Ignored the loss.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My uncle, I was 9 at the time. He was involved
in a car accident and was in coma for several weeks and passed away
before regaining conscienceness.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
An extreme loss.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Fear
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Nothinig
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Still seeking
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Regrets
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Regardless of what is said or who says it, They (the dying) are
afraid and being there for them is the only comfort you can give.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Found the inner-strength to hold up for him during his illness.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Moments before he was dying.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Not applicable.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Held him while he left.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Not applicable.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
While looking at his lifeless body one would think he was asleep -
but to me he simply looked gone, if that makes sense.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
His coloring at the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm not over it - never will be.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I have enough what ifs.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
A selfish thought - regardless of if we live to 40 or 95, life is
too short.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Scream!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
still coming to terms with it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They did everything they could.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Don't understand the question - cancer was involed. He was in a
hospital and I was with him every day - don't understand term hospice
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist
--Regarding MONEY:
Not applicable
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The love that was present
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
not applicable
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Sleep and then un-responsiveness.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
you can't imagine or ever be prepared for how you will feel.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
The only thing I recall was a couple of days before my father passed,
he was apparently dreaming of his father or grandfather because he
called his name as if he was calling after him.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Not applicable.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
N/A
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I want to tell him one more time that I love him and that I miss
him so much I want him to tell me it's going to be all right.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I was very afraid of dreaming because I thought I would have
nightmares of the times at the hospital - I took an over the counter
sleep aid to combat dreaming (still am) however, one week after
his death I dreamed of him but his appearance in the dream was none
like I ever saw - he was alot younger, thinner, (he had lost most
of his hair from chemo)but in the dream it was as thick as before
but not gray, solid black as if he was a young man. The setting
was in a hospital but not in the one he died I went to him and held
his face in my hands and said "you got your hair back, he said yes"
then he said something to me but I can't remember exactly what it
was only one word "alone" he said a few words ....alone.... and
then a few more words. I asked him if he remembered what happened
at the hospital and he looked at me with compassion and said "don't
ask that". The most beautiful part was his face - I'm not saying it
was angelic, but it was the most tranquil face you could imagine -
we all can have an expressionless face but his face was absoutely
beautiful, not in a handsome way but in a way I can't explain,
peaceful isn't good enough. I haven't dreamed of him since, that
was two weeks ago. However I wasn't afraid or sad when I awoke.
I was happy.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
No
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
not applicable
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
not applicable
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
N/A
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I don't know - there is nothing anyone can do or say
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionnaire helps get some feelings out - questions most
people wouldn't ask.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Its covered here.
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Wed Feb 16 18:52:39 2000
F20 in Hiram, OH =USA=
Name: Sharon
Email: <littletonsl=at=hiram.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Psychology Major
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Living, Loving and Learning
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Leo Busgalia
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 17.
--Details:
She was a young senior in high school who was planning on
attending MIT or Princeton. Her goal in life was to find a cure
for cancer or AIDS. She was highly intelligent and quite innocent.
The circumstances around her death were uncertain. We had been
studying existentialism in english class, and one of the topics
we were covering was death and near death. She had hung herself,
but a pair of scissors was found right next to her. Some believe
she was just trying to go right to the edge of death to see what it
was like. When she was younger, she leaned out of a second story
window to see how much of her weight it took to actually cause her
to fall out of the window, so thinking this about her isn't that
outlandish. If it was a suicide it is about the most impossible
thing I could ever imagine. If it wasn't that it is one of the
most profound tragedies i have ever experienced. The not knowing
is extremely difficult.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
death is the cut off of communication and interaction. something or
someone in your life is no longer there for you to touch of speak
with. all functions that make you alive cease.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
stated above
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was....my uncle Bill got cancer and it went into his
lymphic system. Shortly afterward, my grandmother and grandfather
died as well.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
just 6 days ago my grandmother passed away. I remember how deeply
guilty and regretful my mother felt because she was not there when
my grandmother died. If she had not worried about the roads being
icy, she would have been there in time.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Denying it is pointless. There is no way around it, all that is
born must die. The alternative to death is more unpleasant, if one
thinks about it. Immortality is a bigger tragedy. Anything you
love you must watch perish.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When my friend in high school died, all the cliques in the school
dissolved and people that hurt each other on a daily basis reached
out to comfort one another.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My strongest support came from helping others cope. you can't fall
down when you are someone else's wall.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The total feeling of helplessness. there was nothing i could say
or do to make everything all right, and it was very hard for me to
control my feelings.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realized strength within myself and acknowledged my weaknesses
as well. I can be hurt and i am fragile.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
This question confuses me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
your body and mind has to defend itself against such intense and
unrelenting sorrow. besides, there are beautiful and funny memories
of loved ones, and if they amused you in life, why would they not
in death?
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
i would have let her sing more, spent more time with her. All my
relatives that have died i would have visitied more and taken an
active role in their lives.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
when my cousin Craig was shot, i told my other cousins that i loved
them for the first time, and we are kind of closer now.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
all rules and regulations at my catholic high school was put on
hold and we all sat together and talked and held each other.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Things like the will and who gets what is immaterial to me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear a certain song (ie. Love Shack), see a clairinet, everybody
has triggers that remind them of a certain moment or person, and
after that person is gone, these things make them tear up.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If it hadn't happened, I probably would have lost touch with her
and only saw her on college breaks, and that's what hurts the most.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why couldn't it be some killer, or little cheerleader that only cares
about her hair? why does it have to be someone that meant so much to
ME, someone that was going to do something beautiful for the world?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
not get close to anyone.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
it really hit me when i touched my friend's hand at the viewing
and felt how cold and stiff it was.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I respect the medical community.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
My grandmother was very spirtual and I think that was how she dealt
with everything.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i am so confused about death i don't know what to think.
--Regarding MONEY:
how will we afford the funeral?
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
well, with my young friends, i was upset that several people used
her funeral as a way to get out of class. For my other relatives,
i was pissed off at the small number of people when I know that
my grandmother, grandfather, uncle and cousin had touched several
people.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
not being able to cry sometimes when i felt like i should be.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
detachment and dispair
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Wed Feb 16 17:34:24 2000
F19 in London, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Vocational art student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
don't know
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
don't know
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: natural; Aged: 92.
--Details:
The last time I saw my grandma I was only 14 and somehow I knew.
She didn't remember me or anything but I told her I loved her and
that was the last time I ever saw her.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of a lengthy book.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was heartbroken I wasn't ever going to be ready to lose someone close
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was only 4 years old, and it was my grandpa.
I have no recollection of the goings on.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not believing it. I was in tears and almost falling on the floor
in the funeral home
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I don't know really
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My grandma can be with her husband in heaven and she would be in
no more pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
hearing my grandmas voice in my mind.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not seeing them ever again. Not sharing my life with her
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Tell them how you feel about the person. Let them know that they
were loved and will always be loved.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Keep in touch with her. I talk to her through my thoughts.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
People eat at Funerals. I wasn't hungry at all.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
this doesn't apply to me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Really get to know my family history. My grandma knew the most.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I realized how many antiques the family had after the funeral
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I dunno
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I go through a photo album it hits me hard. Especially when
listening to music
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be happier that is for sure
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
yes, I did. I wanted to know why god would take somebody from a
family that needed that person.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I don't know
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Broke down, both physically and mentally.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
sadness. I never liked nursing homes. I associate them only
with death
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
n/a
--Religious Affiliation:
n/a I believe in god heaven and hell
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Death is the only way you can reunite with anyone. The dead can
communicate with us in ways only they know
--Regarding MONEY:
Funerals should be free. How can you put a price on a dead person
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The sudden closeness that happened. And seeing people I haven't
seen in years
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The person starts to talk to a close loved one who was already
deceased and starts to talk about how they will be dead soon
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
cry
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I saw my grandmothers spirit at the exact time that she died.
TO this day I know she was saying goodbye to her namesake
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
don't wish to speak of it
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I had no issues
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
n/a
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I often have dreams of previously dead people
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Any children left and grandchildren..I want to leave behind enough
for education (sort of a symbolism as in saying carry on your life
you don't need me)
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am very afraid of death. VERY
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I Dunno
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
nope
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have a very religious friend
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
talking to someone about it
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Actually it was too long. But it made me sad to think about it
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
A question should be added......"Did you want to touch the dead
person while they were in the coffin. How would you have felt.
Would you have been afraid. What were you thinking?"
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Tue Feb 15 22:09:31 2000
F in , Ohio =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 yrs ago.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
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Tue Feb 15 07:46:43 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my GGMother died 97 years old
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
family
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
the fact that I could never see her again
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Mon Feb 14 01:25:00 2000
F45 in Orange, CA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Computer programmer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 5 days ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 15 yrs.
--Details:
Tuesday evening Feb. 8th 2000 - I looked over at Sasha laying
by Bud. She has not moved in hours. I notice she is shaking again.
Jerking motions sort of like a super mild sesure. I go to her
and cry. I tell Bud we probably should take her when he gets home
tomorrow. I take her pillow into our room and carry Sasha to it.
I set her in it standing up and she staggers off of it. As I stand
there trying to cokes her into the pillow, she steps forward to stand
cross wise in front of me. She lets her body fall into my legs,
and she keeps pressing harder into me, not trying to right herself
at all. So unlike Sasha. So I slowly drop to my knees letting my
legs slide under her. Her chest falls into my lap and her head
onto my arm.. And all I can think of.. is all the times I keep
thinking I should find a way to make her let me hold her just once.
Just hold her in my lap for a while. The day before I had just
thought - gee I never did do that. I wonder why I had thought of
this so often in the past year and why now she would seem to insist
upon it herself. Sasha who hates to be held. So now here I sit
with my legs cramped beneath me and weary Sasha laying helplessly
across my lap. I hold her close and pet her for maybe 15 minutes.
She seems to fall asleep off and on. I can feel her heart bet
against my legs. I try not to cry but the whole thing was like
she was granting me my final wish. Then it even got more intimate.
My legs were cramping under me so I tried to move my legs out abit.
It was then that Sasha turned her nose in closer to me, like she was
trying to hide her nose under my arm. A move I would never expect
from her. Never in my life will I ever forget this moment I had
with Sasha. She would never let me hold her like that as a puppy.
When I tried to move her back into the pillow she began to cough.
And this says heart failure to me. Her blood test two months ago
said the same thing very clearly. She can^Òt walk. Wednesday the
9th - I was trying to avoid reality today. I took more
pills to make me sleepy. I heard Bud try to kocse her outside but
she just stands there in the hall, wobblily. I carried her outside
later but I don^Òt remember if she did anything. I carried her back
in and lad her in her pillow. I was sitting on the sofa beside her
falling in and out of sleep for hours. Waking at her slightest move
or sound. About 11am she starts coughing and shaking. I think ok,
heart failure. I call Bud and ask him to come home soon.. It^Òs
time.. With a brave breath I call the vet. If we don^Òt make it
by 1pm it will have to wait until 3pm. Bud did not make it home
before 1pm and I glad to have more time with her. He did not want
to go I'm sure. But I needed him there. She seems to be resting
peacefully .. no more coughing.. I covered her with a towel and laid
behind her resting a hand on her and rubbing her. She hasn^Òt moved.
I keep wondering if I spoke to soon, but really it^Òs to late now I
made my choice at 11am. Bud came home around 2:15 .. I stayed were I
am laying behind her until around a quarter to 3. Then I numbly got
up and started trying to get myself together. Not believing that I
am really going to do this. I am really going to put my little girl
to death. To force a massive heart attack upon her so she will die.
I open the back of my jeep and lay a towel down for her. And put my
purse in too. We start to go about 3pm but decide to wait until the
substitute doctor was there for sure. I called the office about 10
after and they said he was there. I walked over to beloved little
girl and take the towel off her and gently pull her fully into my
arms and berry my face in her fur. I am crying uncontrollably now.
My throat is making gasping movements I cannot control. I take her
out and gently lay her on the towel in the back of the jeep and I
crawl in beside her and hold her. Half way there Bud says to remove
her collar, I took it from her neck and placed it around my own.
Bud opened the back gate when we got there, I got out and turned and
slowly for the last time pulled her into my arms and carried her
to the back room at the vets. They were of course expecting us.
I lay her down but I cannot stop touching her. I am choking and
cannot really talk. This vet has not been following her case,
so maybe he questions our request. I could hardly talk and ended
up saying stupid things that did not sound like any good reason
to do this. He did not question it. He walks out and says he
will give us sometime alone and to call him when we are ready.
A few moments later I mutter ^ÓI will never be ready.^Ô I don^Òt
remember if Bud walked out first or the vet returned first but Bud
had left the room and the vet was behind me preparing the shot.
I kept turning to look at him seeing what he was doing.. there was
this pink fluid that would take my Sasha from me forever. I had to
tell him that I could not be there while he did it, but I wanted
to come back. He stepped into my view and I told him as much.
My hands finally moved off her and flew to my mouth, I walked
out crying hysterically. Those moments are so hard when you know
the one you love so much is experiencing death at your command.
A totally unthinkable thing! For all the moments I would have
risked my very life to save them for harm and now I do this..
I stand at the end of the counter with my hands press firmly to
my mouth. I am crying in great gasps. There is a woman there
too sitting in the opposite side of the room from Bud. I wonder
what she must be thinking. I am sure it was obvious. Then the
Dr came out and nodded his head and said ^ÓI^Òm so sorry.^Ô I like
this man... I^Òm glad it was him. When I first saw her I^Òm not
sure she is dead yet. Her mouth is slightly open with her tongue
slightly out and her eyes open. Then her head jerked like she is
gasping for breath, but I think no, it^Òs just a reflex. I go to
her and cry out ^ÓGood-bye Sasha!^Ô and I hug her tightly. A moment
later she makes another jerking movement like a gasp.. I start to
call for the doctor thinking she is suffering. But then I looked
straight into her eyes and saw something I have never seen before.
It^Òs the strangest thing, where once there was a spark of life,
there was now nothing .. just nothing. It didn^Òt even look like
an eye anymore, just a cloudy sphere with no pupil, no color.
I rest my head on her chest and I think I can hear blood running
through her veins still. I stood there petting her, kissing her and
crying. I wanted to take her dead body home with me. I didn^Òt care
that she was gone, I wanted even her lifeless body. I wanted her
forever.. I want her BACK! All I can think now is did I take her
too soon? It is possible... I wish I had waited a little more.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The End
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the pain, helplessness, bad dreams
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to help the greiving
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
She let me hold her the day before. How could she have known I
wanted that so much!
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My husband staying close to me. And no getting mad when I cry.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the constant pain
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved
at all....
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
How do you know when a dog is ready to go?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
no laughing sorry
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Long before my dog got old I started paying a great deal of attention
to her. Telling her I loved her all the time and that she was very
important to me. I did everything I could possibly do for her prior
to her death. I think that has helped alot. Cus when my first pet
died that was not the case and I had so much guilt that lasted for
months and months. No! I don't think that guilt will ever end!
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Able to hold her
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
being there
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Maybe not to veiw the dead body
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I will always shed tears for all my dogs forever
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
no diff
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
let it go
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
do more
--Religious Affiliation:
christan
--Regarding MONEY:
I would have given everything to keep her.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there was none
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how can anything hurt that much?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Well in my expeance with two dog deaths.. They both lost the
ablity to walk. One in three days, the other over a period of
several years. Trust your vet when he says it's time to go..
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I think I am still numb, it's scary..
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
good luck.. I still have night mares
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
That it's ok.. For them to tell me that.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
With my first dog there was alot going on in my soul. Like
someone was here to help me. And the timing in which it left was
devistating. But as for dreams.. I was just going to get up in the
morning but instead I fell back to sleep, or at least I think it
was sleep. There was a loud humming in my head, it kept getting
louder and louder. Then suddenly I saw a super bright picture.
Bright all around the edges. And there was my beloved dog waging
his tail like mad at me. I reached out and touched him and couldn't
believe it cus I could really FEEL him. I said out loud Oh Sigh I'm
So Happy To See You! Then instantly the humming started again real
loud, and the picture was gone, everything was black. Slowly the
humming was fading and I woke up feeling like I just experanced
something very specail. I thought it was real. I started reading
about dreams and I now believe that because of the fact I wanted
it sooo much that my subconous created it. My feelings were in
such turmol with his death.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Write it! Everything you feel
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
After my first dog died I promised myself I would take better
care of my other dog Sasha. I keep this promise for 9 years.
I did well for Sasha who I had put to sleep a few days ago.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Writing about this stuff can only help! Thank You For Listening!
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Ya, maybe include the death of pets cus they are just as trumatic.
And that didn't show much in your questions
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Sun Feb 13 21:24:49 2000
F17 in Manteca, California =U.S.=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
school assignment
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Prof/Studies: high school
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: auto accident; Aged: 74.
--Details:
hit a tree head on in a motorhome. The engine was pushed into
his abdomen which caused internal bleeding. He lived for 48 hours
after 3 surgeries to repair arteries.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
absence of life, movement. Scary!!
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...he was my best friend in preschool. He died
from a very rare cancer at the age of 5.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
seeing the body in the casket, not being able to see his eyes.
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it shouldn't be a sad thing because they are going to a
better life. No more pain.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
they aren't feeling any more pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never seeing them again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
show love and tell them how much they mean to you.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to go on and live knowing he was in a better place.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was very young and to understand why they had to go.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it didn't happen to me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell them how much i really loved them and what they meant to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be strong enough to deal with it and go on with life.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
when i saw him in the casket.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
his possessions.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
talking about him to other people.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would want to see him more.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he had go the way he did, the time he did.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see him just one more time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
tried to remember all the good times and special memories.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
thankfulness
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
praying.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comoradery
--Regarding MONEY:
of no importance.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people came to give their respect.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
knowing that when people go to the funeral and cry but after it is
over there is joy.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
to expect them to look different and the body to be cold.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
try not to dwell on the death or loss.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
didn't happen
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no unresolved issues
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you very much and you have helped me grow in so many great
ways. It would help me feel a little more relief.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i saw my grandfather in a dream staring at me from my bedroom window.
My grandmother was in the room with me and when I told her that
my grandpa was there, she didn't care. She turned around, then me
and my grandpa started to cry.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I should have a living trust.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be very scared, how I would die, when, where, who would be
the last person to see me, who wouldn't see me, who would come to
my funeral.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
write my feelings down on paper.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
remember how fragile life really is, and only talk of things you
won't regret saying.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
my new best friend. we had the same feelings about someone that
had passed away that was close to us.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
knowing there is an afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
hard to understand
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Being there for me, asking me if I was ok, or if I needed to talk.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Made me realize how well I handled it, and moved on.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
How do you feel now? How do you cope when people aren't there to
support you who you thought were your friends?
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Sat Feb 12 22:20:21 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
curiousity
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 yrs ago.
Aged: 85
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
not living anymore
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt a little saddened
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... friend died in car accident
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how i realized life is short
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
to be more open about it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
no more schooling
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
sleep
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
sleep
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
close your mouth before you die
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
barely remember
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i wonder how it's going to end
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i should've slept instead
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
sleep more
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
sleep some
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i slept
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
not sleep
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i can't sleep
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would be sleeping
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i sleep
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep foerever
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went to sleep
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
go to sleep if you're stressed
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
go sleep it off
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
don't suicide
--Religious Affiliation:
Holy Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that we should all sleep
--Regarding MONEY:
we could buy new beds for sleeping
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i didn't go
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when i slept
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
lack of sleep
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i sleep
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i don't understand the question
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i want to sleep
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
tired
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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F17 in Livonia, Michigan =United States=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Theology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3.5 months ago.
Cause of Death: Murder; Aged: mid 20.
--Details:
After a Halloween party thrown by her and her husband, they went
home, and everything seemed fine. They had been having trouble
recently, and were working towards a divorce, but seemed to get
along. That morning, he killed Roni, and mutilated her body.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is but a phase in the circle of Life. Birth, life, death,
reflection, rebirth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was shocked at first, more from the manner of death then from
the fact.
--That first time, how it happened was
A good friend of mine, a woman who ran a new age store and held
get togethers every Tuesdays night, was murdered by her husband.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Her 3 night candlelit vigil, where all of her closest friends stayed
out and spoke of Roni, how they had known her, and why we all loved
her so much.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
The culture that I was born into (Christian) sees death as the
passage from life into Heaven or Hell. I think that they should
reconsider posibilities of reincarnation and not worrying about
going to hell.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My two closest friends, both who were close to the deceased, had
been in a terrible feud for a long time. Her death, and the sharing
of feelings between us all that followed, mended the strife between
them and others.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Just knowing that Death is not forever, and that my friends were
there for me, and I was there for them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The realization that I would never see her again in this lifetime.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I want others to know about how I felt when I had come to peace
with the passing on of her soul, and was able to help soothe the
grief of the others.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When I was first informed that my friend had been murdered by her
husband, who seemed in all things to be a kind and well-liked man.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say "Merry Part" to my friend, and wish them luck in their next
lifetimes.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Help soothe the grief of her other friends.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Everyone held hands in a circle, and just stood and thought about
her silently, knowing that her spirit was with us.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The actual funeral service... it seemed like just a formality,
her spirit had passed on peacefully after her candlelit vigil.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I consider how said I would be if another close friend of mine died
before their time.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It seems as if things would have simply stayed the same as before
her death.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It's not fair that Roni was killed before her time, leaving her 4
children behind.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
never have to leave my friends.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Was shocked at the fleetingness of a lifetime, and resolved to do
my best to make the most of all of my lives.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Organized religion doesn't play a part in my life, but I am very
spiritual, and believe in rebirth, so I was better able to accept
the passing of a loved one.
--Religious Affiliation:
Wiccan
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Spirit is the connected source of all life and energy, tied together
in the never ending circle of life, death, rebirth.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
sad overtones, but knowing that Roni would not want us to grieve
for her.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Actually attending the funeral service.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I believe that death in this life leads to reflection on how you
lived, then onto your next life, perhaps guided by a higher power.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
We are at peace.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just like to see Roni smile, one more time. She was the
sweetest, kindest, most understanding, caring person I've ever been
priviledged to know.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
During roni's candlelit vigil, her spirit was there with us,
bidding her final farewell to those who loved her so much.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would think over what I've done in my life, and the goals that
I had set, and resolve to further my soul's journey in my next
incarnation.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Whenever I feel sad, I spend time going over all of the good memories
I have of her.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I'm a bit more thoughtful at times.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes, in dealing with the passing of our dear friend, I became much
closer to my most trusted friend and brother in faith, although we
hadn't spent much time together for too long.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This helped me to recall what exactly went through my mind when
my friend passed, and I found it helpful in sorting out residual
feelings for my deceased friend.
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Sat Feb 12 10:19:18 2000
F21 in Boise, Idaho =U.S.A.=
Name: Jessica Carrier
Email: <ejcarrier=at=juno.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Homemaker
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
The book of Mormon
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Car Accident; Aged: 40.
--Details:
I was in Germany as an exchange student. One night I was having
a hard day, so I called home to talk to my mom. My brother David
answered the phone. I asked where everyone was and he said that
they were at the funeral. I laughed (because I thought he was just
kidding) and asked who's funeral. He said it was Debbie's funeral.
I went into complete shock. Now my whole life would be different.
My whole living arangements had changed. I wanted to go home,
but I was stuck in Germany with my limited unterstanding of the
language (especially when emotionally distraut). All I could say
was Debbie ist tot. I guess my friends and family didn't want
me to know until I came home because they thought I wouldn't be
able to handle it well. They didn't tell my brother David though,
so he didn't know he wasn't supposed to tell me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Going from one life to a much better life, but suddenly having
to leave the friends and loved ones behind without being able to
say good-buy.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was unable to take it in all at once and needed some time to cry it
out and realize that person was not there anymore and that things
would change.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Grandfather and I were very close. He died when I was 16, right
after my parents got a divorce.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Not being able to put the pieces together fast enough in my head. It
seemed like the worst thing in the world had happened and dealing
with it was going to be almost, but not quite, too painful.
--What I think my (U.S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
When someone dies it doesn't help to get back to a busy schedule. You
need to morn first and then take it slow. Delaying the morning
process just means that it will resurface later until you deal with
it. Trying to forget about it isn't dealing with it. Dealing with
it is going through and experiencing the pain until the peace comes.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was able to better know members of my family by helping them
through the process. Certain members of my family were hit harder
because they were closer to the person who died, so it helped me know
my step-siblings better as I tried to help them deal with the death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Church. Going to church and realizing that my loved one was still
alive helped me deal with the death. Also just coming home to be
with people I knew helped me not be so isolated and alone.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The suddeness of it and the isolation. When my grandfather died
he had been sick for years, so I was able to have my moment to
say good-bye. When Debbie died it was a sudden car accident and
I was never able to tell her good-buy or that I appreciated all
that she had done for me.
--[My relative's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Learned to accept it. It wasn't easy and it didn't happen over
night, but when you accept the change, the hole goes away and is
filled with the acceptance of that person being gone. It also
doesn't make me so afraid of dying knowing that I will be rejoined
with this person again.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was told that the person died. Just that first sentance confused
me for some reason. I couldn't comprehend it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was a stress reliever. There had been so much sadness and
depression that it was so nice to break the tension by laughing.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say good-buy and apologize for all of the wrong things that I
had done. This may seem weird, but I wish that I was there. I wish
that I could have been there to see my loved one die and be there
during that difficult time of dying.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Plant flowers on my grandfathers grave, and see him being lowered
into the ground.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I will always miss the people who have died in my life and I will
sometimes feel sad, but it is never as intense as the beginning.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Just thinking about it makes me sad because than I would just
have to go through loosing that person again at a later time.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Wehn Debbie died I thought that. I thought of how unfair it was. She
still was a part of our life and had children, then I thought about
her emotional suffering in life and I realized that she was better
off and she would be happier and wouldn't want me ruining my life
dealing with what I thought was fair and unfair.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The medical community helped make my Grandfather as comfortable as
possible, and let him die at home.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice helped and didn't help. When my step-grandmother contacted
hospice the first time they were really unsensitive and gave her
the run-around. She finally found an office where people were kind
and it helped the family out a lot.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Church was full of doctrines that helped me feel peace and comfort.
I was able to turn to the Lord and he took the majority of the pain
on His shoulders. He left a little bit with me so that I could work
through it, but He made it beareable.
--Religious Affiliation:
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
My family wouldn't let me morn, they just wanted me to get on with
my life the next day.
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Fri Feb 11 12:21:48 2000
M44 in Cookeville, TN. =USA=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Prof/Studies: Retired Navy
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
This might sound weird,but "The Art Of War"
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sun Tzu
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 6 mounths ago.
Cause of Death: Stomach Cancer; Aged: 51.
--Details:
The last death I delth with was my older brother.I had the I had
the honor of helping him for days while his wife worked. However,
I feel I should have did something else to help him. But, I do not
know what it would have been. I feel I failed him somehow when
he died. I did all I could. His weight got down to 113 before he
refused to weigh himself any more. He had a bag strapped to his leg
to collect the bile from his liver. This bag had to be emptied. All
of his bones could be seen. He had a feeding tube on his right
side as long as possible, for Ensure. At times he I.V.s for pain.
He had several operations. The scar was in the same place. After
the third operation, 2 huge rubber tubes helped reenforce the
staples. He was jaundiced. He got to the point that everything
he ate was thrown up. I dumped pan after pan. He chose to watch
a local TV channel that runs the news, time, temperture, etc. in
print while a local radio station played music in the background. I
hate that channel. I remember one song that played too often "I
Will Remember You, Will You Remember Me?" That song brings back
the entire ordeal. He would smoke cigarette after cigarette. I do
not smoke. People concerned about his after-life would ask really
personal questions. He hated listening to that crap. I was sitting,
talking with him when he went into a coma. Sometimes life is hard.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When our bio-electic systems shut down, and our body decomposes.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was so young I did not understand what was going on emotionally.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My 16 yr. old sister died in a car accident. I
was age 6 or 7.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How compassionate the ill are.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That people do not always share their religion.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was taught how to be kind and copassionate to others in the face
of the most extreme conditions.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The writing of poetry.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Feeling helpless.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
The ill do not want to ask for help; it was my job to figure out
what was needed and do before being asked. This saves the ill from
giving up his/her pride.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Became a human.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
There is nothing left to do.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Brother and I often laughed. I feel nothing strange about it.
I and most others laugh to relieve stress.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Somehow made it easier for him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Take care of him. I might not have been the best, but to be with
so much meant a great deal to me. However, being with him was a
living hell at the same time. Love and duty can be a love hate
relationship.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I patted his hand while he was in the coffin. I knew then that it
was over. My father was at Normany WWII. He told me at a young
age to touch the dead and you would never fear them. I have had
to do this too many times.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Religion. "My soul is okay. Thank You!"
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I cry very often, and if I am alive at a hundred, I hope I cry
then too.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I do not think like that.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Life is not fair, unfair issue; it just is.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
There is nothing left to do but live. Silly question. Perhaps,
I don't get it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I know death well, and it is always real.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The doctors and nurses did everything possible. Except telling
people in plain English: You are going to die. People need to to
get their affairs in order. If doctors don't like telling people
how it is they should change jobs! We all resented the giving of
the false illiusion of hope.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
It was less than 2 days of experience. I can't pass judgement.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
"I wish they were more concerned about my billfold than my soul."
--Religious Affiliation:
N/A
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I do not know how to respond.
--Regarding MONEY:
Brother was very concerned about his family after his death.
If people are going to help the family, they should tell this to
the ill before death.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Who cares? A farce.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How quickly people forget.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
In the case of stomach cancer: a shortness of breath, unable to eat,
weakness to the point of needing help to walk. The first thing
should be getting the person through the depression. After that,
everything falls into place.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
To help others is the best way to get pass your own cares.
Help everybody possible.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't know that brother had one. However, his wife who died
3 months later thought she saw Brother and her father in a door
waving at her.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
N/A
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have did all I know. If there is an after-life, Brother knows
that. I miss him. However, I cannot resolve that.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love Brother, but dead is dead.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Brother was a builder. I feel close to him when I pass one of his
houses, etc.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Each person should be treated differently. I would remind them of
body donatation, if I thought it would not bother them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope to go without causing a fuss.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I tell Brother, Sister, Daddy, all Grandparents and 2 friends:
I love them every day. It might be a waste of time, but it makes
me feel better.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I try to be more conscience of others pain. I try to help before
people ask.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
None
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
To young to remember.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Everything from money to time. Making sure that the ill knows their
family is taken care of.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I am set in my ways. I have not told anybody else about telling the
dead I love them. Does this make strange? If so, I am strange.
I refuse to be ashamed for loving anybody.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
No you did a fine job. Thank you.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Feb 11 09:25:46 2000
F47 in Cloverdale, CA =USA=
Name: Lynn Mills
Email: <ILVMLEA=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: Homemaker
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More personal info:
You may post this!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My step-father was burned to death in a freak
accident. He was steam cleaning an 18-wheel truck and he had a
cigarette in his mouth. His buddy came along and picked up what
he "thought" was a bucket of dirty water, but was in actuallity
a bucket of diesel and gas mixture, and he threw it at my father
thinking it was just the dirty water. My father went up in flames!
His brother was in the office and came running out with a rug...he
rolled his brother in the rug, but every time they unrolled him,
he would ignite again due to the diesel. He was in the hospital
for a week before he died. I was only 5 years old at the time and
I have blocked most of the memories. What I do remember is that my
mother was totally out of it after he died and the curtains stayed
closed and it was dark and scary because my mother didn't get off
the sofa for what seemed an eternity. I was left to deal with the
memories and the whole affair on my own. This took place in 1959
and there was not the burn facilities that they have now.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Fri Feb 11 08:38:41 2000
M15 in Spotsylvania, VA =USA=
Name: John Taylor
Email: <John531045=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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More personal info:
Death can be a scary or wonderful thing to people of different
ages. Nomatter what you do though live your life to the fulliest! (
please post this!)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A time when all seizes, nothoing more, darkness.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Had no reaction what so ever
--That first time, how it happened was
Was a aunt of mine, but i didint deel sorrow or pain due to the
fact I barley new her
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That to different age groups it depends what they will think death
is, right now I have no thought just that it is it, been there done
that, my turn is over, had my chance
--Religious Affiliation:
I am a christian to my mothers eyes, but I dont think I am. I dont
know or understand if there is a god, or if there is not. I feel
that i have no right to know, or think that I know till i see it
first hand.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Fri Feb 11 06:07:12 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, this year ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 85.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
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Thu Feb 10 09:32:41 2000
F21 in crewe, cheshire =UK=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Bsc psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a road accident ; Aged: 14.
--Details:
Alan was knocked off his bike,because he pulled out in frount of
an on comming car. He was not wearing a cycle helmet.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of are physical being but because of memories etc we still
live on in our family and friends.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt quite empty and then anger at the stupidity of it all.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was 16 and my little brother was killed in
a car accident he was knocked off his push bike
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
crying and lots of hugs
--What I think my (UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it comes to us all and that we should not be so scared of it
and live their life as well as possible.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I am no longer scared of it so I live my life to the full
everyday. it has made me more aware of the people around me and
how special they are so I tell them eveyday how much i love them
and i never let an arguement go cold.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
from my then boyfriend and close friends, my mother was a bit of a
mess so it was people outside of my family were of the most support.
It has however brought my mum and I closer than ever.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
explaining to people i an just getting to know that my brother is
dead when they ake the normal questions about family. The silence
it brings is uncomfortable to say the least
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
make sure you say goodbye and get any nagging arguments sorted
while you still have the chance it brings relief all round and the
funeral etc is that much easier. Above all remind them that you
love them and that you always will.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learnt that eveyone is going to die and that the best always
die young
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
my brother would be happy he was probably causing it
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
actually talk to him and know that he heard what was said to him
while he was unconscious
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see things clearly
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i watch a sad movie especially when its about death
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
because he was so young almost 15
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back the clock and make him wear a cycle helmet
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried for hours and spent as much time as possible with my close
friends as well as try to be there for my mum and keep thing as
normal as possible
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disapiontment the help for the parents are good especially the
mother but fathers and siblings tend to get left to on side
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing much I believe in god but i don't believe in the hypocracy
off the church
--Religious Affiliation:
christiten
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how much the people touched by alan really loved him
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
a teacher we used to have had him come to her in a dream and he
let her know he was all right
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
that if it is a long death i'm not to be ressusitated unesscerally
and that if it is an accident and they can my organs are to be
donated. I want to be cermated
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talking about him with friends and trying to imagine the havoc he
is creating where ever he is and talking to him it brings him closer
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
my friends and family were fantastic
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
people saying it would get better with time. It doesn't!!!
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Thu Feb 10 04:04:06 2000
F18 in london, england =uk=
Name: angel
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 4 ago.
Cause of Death: brain tumour; Aged: 17.
--Details:
very long complicated illness
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
end of the body's physical life on earth
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
ignored it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... grandfather died peacefully after illness
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being embarrassed by everyone else's distress
--What I think my (uk) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it isn't final
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
people die and are more peaceful
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my ability to ignore it
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
felt that it was unfair because she had more to give to the world
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
believe in life after death
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my mother was looking to me for support
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with her and be closer
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
how i will die myself
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
some people can give so much more than they are allowed to
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
i could see others begin to come to terms with it
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the medical services' inability to help
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i *know* that life in heaven is wonderful
--Religious Affiliation:
roman caltholic
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i believe the person has the same rights as any other person
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i think about my own death a great deal, because i often wish that
it would happen, or even think to bring it about myself
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was interesting
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Wed Feb 9 20:41:25 2000
F19 in camden, NJ =usa=
Name: Pixie
Email: <mrssuperstar=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
surveys
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: don't know.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The absence of pain, of fear, of thought. When old life stops,
and new life begins
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried for hours on my mothers lap, and went outside to play with
friends who didn't know the girl whom had died.... And therefore
wouldn't remind me of her.
--That first time, how it happened was
My best friend at the age of 8 (she was also 8) drowned after
moving to a northern state. before she had moved, we had a huge
fight, during which i told her i wish she would die. a week after
she moved, we spoke, and we sort of pretended it was never said,
btu i never said sorry.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
knowing when the phone rang, that it had something to do with my
poppop and death, even though there had never been any signs, and
knowing that althogh he only had a week, i almost perfectly knew
when he was going to live to(2 months later)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My religion's belief in reincarnation.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
i guess the change in routine. I no longer could play her my favorite
song, and i no longer saw him at the beach in the summer. The loss
of them i guess.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say sorry
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became increadably dissillisioned with life itself. so make the
most of life, and recreate the illusion.
--Religious Affiliation:
Wicca
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out
i'm not sure i really get over a death, i just lessen the pain.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Wed Feb 9 10:50:22 2000
F47 in Walnut Creek, California =USA=
Name: nancy
Email: <nancy=at=klwco.com>
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: chemical engineer, sales
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: kidney and liver failure; Aged: 50.
--Details:
My brother had end stage liver disease caused by Hepatitis'C'.
He was conditionally on a liver transplant list but chose not
to undergo kidney dialysis in hopes of eventually getting both a
kidney and liver transplant. He chose instead to come home with
me and my family to die.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the spirit leaves the physical body and the body dies.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very, very sad.
--That first time, how it happened was
My uncle, who I was very close to growing up, died unexpectedly
from a heart attack.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the intense grief I felt during my brother's last week with us and
then the incredible joy I began to experience as my brother's spirit
left his body
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is nothing to fear. We will be able to deal with our own
death and the deaths of those we are close to if we look at death
as a natural part of life and plan for it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I feel an obligation to share with everyone an incredible experience
I had when my brother died. It is very difficult to find the
words to adequately describe what actually happened. My brother
had been in my home for four days, preparing for his death with
the help of Hospice. We had discussed how much he would be missed,
but also that I didn't feel sorry for him. He was the one going
on to a better place. I made him promise that he would 'talk'
to me after he had passed on, that I would be open to receiving
any communication from him.
At a little before 6pm, friends came by with dinner for our family.
Everyone left my brother's room, but something made me return.
As I entered the room, I looked at his face and somehow knew his end
was near. I called out to my Mom to come in and bent down to kiss
my brother. As I kissed his forehead, he gave me an amazing last
gift. My brother exhaled sharply into my face, with such force
that I jumped back, very startled. He breathed one last breathe
and as he did, an incredible joy that I cannot describe filled up
my body. All of the recent despair that I had been experiencing,
immediately and totally disappeared from me. As I sat on the bed
next to him with my hands on his head, I could not stop myself from
looking up at the ceiling. I felt as if I was lying on a beach
and the hottest, brightest sunlight was beaming down on my face.
All I could think and say was, ^ÓI am so happy for you.^Ô My family
and friends who were now in the room said my eyes became luminous
and my face was glowing. My husband saw movement over my brother's
body, which he believes was his spirit leaving. My totally euphoric
state lasted for the next several hours, until his body was removed
from my home. The intense pain and heartache I had been feeling
before his death has not returned.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the roller coaster ride during the last week, not really knowing
when he would die
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them know that it is okay for them to die, that you and everyone
else will miss them, of course, but that you will all be okay
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I was able to accept the impending death of my brother, discuss
it with him and my family, prepare for it, and then receive the
incredible gift I described earlier.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
For a 24 hour period, two days before he died, my brother had a
major turn around and appeared to be getting well. I didn't know
whether to hope for a miracle or to continue preparing for his death.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I felt intense joy after my brother died. My family and friends that
were there when he died, also felt it but not as intensely as I did.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I have absolutely no regrets.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Six months before my brother's death, I took him and my mother
out to dinner. I talked with them both in detail what they wanted
after they died, ie. cremation vs burial, type of memorial service,
type of music played, eulogies by whom, flowers, party afterwards.
I went into very small details with them both. It was not an
easy conversation at first, but eventually we started to joke
about death. I wrote everything down and filed it away. This took
all the guesswork and difficult decision making out of planning my
brother's funeral. I knew exactly what he wanted because he told me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I have never been very good at looking at dead bodies at viewings.
I always felt very creepy about it. When my brother died, something
changed. It was very odd. When I looked at his body at the moment
of his death, it was as if he wasn't really there. It was as if
he had taken off his coat and left it on the bed. For the first
time in my life, I was able to look at it as just a body.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I can become very teary when I hear my brother's friends talk about
what a good, kind person he was. I miss that he will not be here
to see my two children become men.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I appreciate the doctor's honesty concerning the graveness of my
brother's condition and the suggestion by them and the hospital's
social worker to consider Hospice rather then to leave my brother
in the hospital to die.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Although we only used the services of hospice for three days,
it was invaluable. They took a lot of the mystery out of what to
expect next.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I consider myself to be more of a spiritual person than a religious
one. We had final blessings performed by the minister of our church
and a memorial mass. I believe that it is important to continue to
pray for the souls of the deceased.
--Religious Affiliation:
Episcopal
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I absolutely agree.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Since my brother's death, I have been told the following. My brother
visited three of his friends in their dreams the night he died.
They did not know he had died, but woke up in the middle of the
night from their individual dreams and knew. They each received
the call the next morning confirming his death. At the time of
my brother's death, a very close friend of his described hearing
someone calling out his name. He didn't know where it was coming
from and didn't put it together until he learned of my brother's
death the next day. I have had several dreams since he died but
two stand out. The first was the night he died. I was in his
bedroom looking for him, calling out his name. Very loudly in my
ear, I heard him say, "I'm right here". I immediately woke up
and felt his presence very strongly in the room. Another dream,
about three weeks after he died, had my brother alive again-
still sick but alive. I was worried because I had already told
people he had died and was concerned what my brother would think.
I got up the courage to tell him and he just laughed and said, "I
am dead. You are the only one who can still see me and talk to me."
I also had a vision of him in my bedroom, a few days after he died.
He was walking from the foot of the bed over towards my husband.
I knew he was not there for me and I went right back to sleep.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
The most difficult part of our own death is the effect it will
have on our family and friends we leave behind. I hope that when
my time comes, they will be prepared for it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I feel obligated to share my experience with as many people as
possible in hopes that it will help them as they prepare for their
own deaths and deaths of loved ones. I hope this reaches tons of
people and helps them.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Since my brother's death, I have done a lot of reading to try to
find out if anyone else experienced anything similar to mine at the
moment of someone's death. I have not been able to find anything.
How about a question-At the time of death and immediatly following
it, did you see anything or experience anything unusual?
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Wed Feb 9 07:10:27 2000
F23 in fgura, =malta=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: tourism
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 3 motnhs ago.
Cause of Death: stillbirth; Aged: 0.
--Details:
Still waiting for autopsy results unfortunately
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--Death Is:
when a person is not here with me anymore
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was feeling very bad and lonely and I couldn't accept it. I still
think of my son every day and dream very often about him. I feel
bad when I see other mothers with babes or pregnant
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was I gave birth to a stillborn baby
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I am more reserved and more striaghtforward. I am very worried
always that something will happen to my boyfriend
--What I think my (malta) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to cry and hide it, let it out man!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That in the future I will be more careful and enjoy life more
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Boyfriend
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Sleeping in the dark, I was so afraid
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
n/a
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
coped
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I went for the first time after birth in the child's room
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was silly.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have stopped working earlier, eaten more sensibly
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get along, go to work, keep relationship with my boyfriend
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I was giving birth
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I go in his room, see children, pregnant women etc
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be 100% devoted to my baby
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that most women do abortions, give away or abandon their kids,
hit them etc
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back in time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
knew I had lost the best part of me
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
There must be improvement in the attitude of the medical staff
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
nil
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
nothing
--Regarding MONEY:
I did not have enought money for the funeral
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was just me and my boyfriend
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when the doctor could not feel the baby's heartbeat
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
nothing, death takes its natural course
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
let it all out.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I was near death, but the death of my son hit me more and left a
much bigger impact on me.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I never held my baby and told him I loved him...no one can help me
to do it
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell my son I love him It does not help, it makes me
feel worse
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I hear my baby cry in distance, I see him at night smiling at me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
n/a
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid only of the pain. I want to
die before my boyfriend, I pray god everyday I will die before him
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talking about it
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
n / a
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no - to tll you the truth I was on speaking terms with my mother
before being pregnant, while being pregnant she used to visit me
and phone me every day, now she seems to have lost interest
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
My boyfriend
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
Going in the baby's room and see his things
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Yes, a nurse from hospital paid for the funeral of my son as an
act of charity
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Ok, it stirred up some bad memories but it is nice to be able to
think about it without crying at last!
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
Enhancements: n/a
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Tue Feb 8 17:54:14 2000
M22 in hillsboro, nh =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
on yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 78.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the passing of someone from this state of life to another state in
which we can not see, touch or feel.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to know what happened or why i could no longer see,
talk too, or play with them only that there time had come to an
end and they were watching us from someplace better
--That first time, how it happened was
it was my great grandfather, i can remember nothing of my great
grandmother or how see died but she did only about a month before
him. they say it was just old age.
he was a very important person to me and i missed him very greatly
even though i was to young to remember too much
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the sense of a loss of someone very important to everyone. they
were the piller of knowladge and help then they left us all to help
each other
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that is will happen and there is no way to keep it from coming only
painfully delying it for the simple reason that they are not read
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that end the pain that person was in and i knew that were now happy
and contant
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowning that i would never see them again in this life time
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
it let the know that you truely care for them and even in a time
of letting go you will not ever forget them, even if they no longer
walk with you
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
now know how much it can truely affect me and i have to try and spend
more and more time with those you love because it can come at anytime
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it hit me that she was died i could not figure out way she had to die
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was the though of the person on the other side sitting there say
that they can not belief the big fuss everyone was making overthem
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my grandmother before she died
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for my family for a shoulder to cry on
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
eveyone seems so sopportive of everone else
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
they way everything has to be so formal
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think about how much i miss my love ones
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i do not know but i would all be different
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that they left me here
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back time to see them
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
vowed never to forget them and always hold there memories highest
among all others
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
great confustion
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
i had no contact
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a helping hand
--Religious Affiliation:
non practesing methodies
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
human
--Regarding MONEY:
if it ever was the family helped
but it way too expencive to bury the dead now a days
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
they were we loved in the town they lived in
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
they long unneed speeches
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i do not know
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i was a way of letting them go
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
they seemed to be swimming to something
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
not me
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i have no unresolve issues
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
many things that i can not think of right now or anytime they were
not here
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
no to me
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
that what they wished and so i will repect it even if i do not
agree with it
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i never thought that
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i find spend a little time alone and have that final converstion
that you wanted to have with them helps
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
nope
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i found that a friend i though was lost to me was not
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i was always listening to what they said and tried to lend them
know that anytime they wanted to i would listen
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Mon Feb 7 18:00:51 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my dad got cancer. T-cell Lymphoma to
be exact.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
I just tried to move on as usaul, but still remembered him and I
still do and always will.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
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Sun Feb 6 18:13:29 2000
F in , michigan =u.s.a.=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mamal, diedof cancer at 63
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
keeping busy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
not understanding why ?
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Sun Feb 6 08:03:45 2000
M29 in Clarksville, Tennessee =USA=
Name: Keith Albert
Email: <tooshort4any=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Looking on Yahoo and ran across it.
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Prof/Studies: Army Medic/EMS BA Physical Education. Also certified teacher
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More personal info:
I feel that my reactions are different from most people (probably
egocentric) I have been around death most of my life and deal
with it on a daily basis due to my job...I have very little outward
emotion toward death.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 22 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 17.
--Details:
I caught him trying to hang self before he succeeded. He shot self
a few hours later...I saw the body sortly after and did not talk
about death for about 13 yrs.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A natural process of life. Something that has life will die sooner
or later.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was not affected...I wqas too young.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died of old age. I went to
the wake.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I did not have much emotion...others were crying and I had no
emotion.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it needs to be spoken about and emotions need to be let out
about the death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Nothing.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Getting out by myself and getting to a mentally relaxed state
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That I had no one to talk to and kept it inside for so many
years....I am still dealing with repercussions of it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I do not understand the meaning of the question
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Am still alive....The drive to live is stronger than people give
credit for. Too many times I was close to suicide myself and did
not want to end it that way.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My brother committed suicide
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It is a stress reliever
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Grieve.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Watching another person die that could not live any more
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see the fragility of a childs life.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Don't think about it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Seeing a young person die while in the prime of life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Get away from people as a whole and be by myself for an extended
period of time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Had no choice but to accept...I saw the bleeding body laying there.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Disghust....the medical community (as you put it) was worthless.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
No contact
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing...not religious
--Religious Affiliation:
None
--Regarding MONEY:
All of the process was very expensive and it is hard to have an
added purden of trying to pay along with the death itself.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
That my extended family has very little consideration for any one
else but themselves.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Sitting alongside the casket with a parade of people coming and
looking at the dead body.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Giving up in the fight...lack of caring.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It needs to be gone through...the linger it is put off, the harder
it is to get through.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
None
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Nope
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
There is really no one that could help me in my opinion..I have
done it alone for so long that I would not let others in.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Why...I still do not understand the selfish short sighted action.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Nothing
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Just bury me and get it over with...i do not like the morbid practice
of a wake and all of that stuff.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would not like it due to the children I now have... I would not
want them to have to go through the pain at such an early age.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I get out into nature, away from people and have a personal
reflection to go through stuff in my mind and unclutter my brain.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I need to get away from peole and be alone from time to time and
unload my brain.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Nope...I stay away from people even more than before
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I rationalize the death....if the person lived a fruitfull life it
is easier to take
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
Not talking about it.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I am a teacher and an EMT I do it every day I work.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was neither helpful or hurtfull. I think it was a thorough and
well written questionnaire but I do not have much outward emotion
about death anymore...30-50 deaths in one's lifetime can do that.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
There was one question that I did not understand, it could have been
me but I think it needs to be more to the point of what was wanted.
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Sun Feb 6 07:07:54 2000
F56 in Rochester, NY =US=
Name: Julia A. Mendes
Email: <juliam7773=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 11 monts ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 89.
--Details:
My mother had been in a nursing home for fifteen years. She
suffered a stroke at age 74 and as a result was not able to care
for herself. Mentally she was not affected by the stroke. However,
as the Myotonic Dystrophy that affected four of her six children
became more and more dibilitating she retreated into denial and
lost herself in memories. She retreated more and more into her own
world when my brother and sister died. Toward the last months of
her life she drifted in and out of reality preferring her own world
of memories rather than face the situation of having to watch her
children die and not being able to to anything to help them.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
part of life. It is a natural progression, in most cases, as we are
finite creatures who are made up of flesh and blood and consequently
have to deal with the limitations of our own bodies.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was startled. I didn't think it could happen to someone I knew.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was a teenage friend of my brother's died while
swimming in the canal. He had jumped off a high bridge and apparently
hit his head on something in the water.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the sense of loss. I didn't think that my mother's death would
affect me so drasticaly. She was old, had been in a nursing home
for fifteen years, in pain mentally and physicaly,and I thought that
it would be a blessing for everyone to know that she was no longer
suffering. I did not anticipate the overwhelming loss I would feel.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is a part of life. You can't stop it. No one lives forever. The
media should focus more on how to deal with death and dieing rather
than how research is finding ways for us to live longer.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The knowledge that my loved ones are free from pain and suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband and children.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Loosing them before I expected. There is the joke that says Denile
is not just a river in Egypt.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just being there. It is very hard to watch a loved one die. However,
the sense of knowing that you were there to say goodbye is just as
important for them as it is for yourself.
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
It is hard to say which one, my brother, my sister, or my mother
that helped me to grow and understand death and in turn life. I am
watching my sister and brother, who are fraternal twins, die. They
are in the advanced stages of dystophy and each one of them deals
with it in a different manner. I have learned so much from all of
them it would be hard to pinpoint one person as having taught me
about death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Just before they died. I kept hoping that it wasn't going to happen
and that by some miracle they would come out of it and laugh at
all of us being so concerned.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
There is nothing wrong with it. Laughing is a way of coping with
the serious nature of dieing. I am lucky to belong to a family that
finds humor in everything, even death.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with them without feeling scared of what was
happening to them. Understanding as they became uninterested in
life they weren't leaving me, they were completing a process that
was necessary for them to leave this life.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Get through it, and know that I will be able to survive the death
of my surviving sister and brother.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Realizing that a funeral service was important. Most people take for
granted that this is a part of the process. However, we questioned
as to whether it was needed. My brother especially said that he
didn't want any fuss made. Just bury him and get on with life. He
had never married and had lost track of many of his friends so he
felt that there was no need for a service. We decided to have a
small service just for family, and it was important. It is needed
to complete the grieving process.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
There was nothing that I found not to be important. Everything that
happened I have found meant a great deal to me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I know that my time with my sister, especially, and brother are
limited and that I will have to go through the whole process again.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Thre are mixed blessing when you watch so many of your brothers and
sisters die from a disease that takes them so slowly, inch by inch. I
have learned to find out who they are as people, not just family. To
admire their abilities rather than focus on family differences. How
might it be different? Perhaps we would have learned alternative
ways to come to grips with our differences and have had more time
together to visit and enjoy our differences.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that so many of my brothers and sisters were affected with this
disease. One was more than enough to deal with, but four, it doesn't
seem fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Run away.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
first fell apart, cried and cried that this could have happened
to our family. Now I look on it as a release from enduring a death
that takes away your life inch by inch.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the realization that the medical community is limited in their
abilities. They cannot stop death much better than anyone else.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
We did not deal with hospice. it was being considered for my sister
but she surprised us and died sooner than expected.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a place to hold a service to complete the grieving process. I
found that my minister is just as nervious around people who have
experienced tragidy as lay people.
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
That there is something beyond this life, I don't know what it is,
but not to believe would be too difficult.
--Regarding MONEY:
knowing that my mother had a trust fund to help pay for funeral
expenses removed the burden of trying to pay for the services.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was necessary. I was surprised at how important it was to
have them.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
It seemed unreal. I kept thinking that at any moment one of them
would walk through the door and yell "Surprise" and we would all
laugh and be relieved.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Detachment. I have seen it with all of them. It is the thing I
watch for most. I am seeing my brother detach himself from all
the things he considered important for his creature comfort, and
my sister is now losing her interest in doing anything outside of
her home. Their disability makes it difficult to go many places,
but they are now making choices not to be interested in what is
happening outside of their environment.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It takes four to six months after they have died before I can
grieve. By that I mean to cry and accept the finality of their death.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My mother was frightened. She told me about six weeks before she
died, at a time when her mind wasn't wandering, that she was scared
of dieing. We had a long conversation about what she might expect,
and she reflected on it and told me that she decided that she was
going to live for another 90 years. The funny part about her death
was that she became terminal three days before what had been her
mother's birthday. I was told that she would not last more than
twenty four hours. She did not die until the day of her mother's
birthday. She decided, not the doctors.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
In a way because of the slow lingering death that my family
experienced I was able to resolve many of the differences that we
had. That is the one blessing that has come from going through this.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
There are always with me. I find myself mentally talking to them
and answering the way I think they would. It is helpful in that it
makes me feel that I haven't lost them.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think that a dieing person should be aware that family and friends
need to have rituals to help them get through their death. What the
dieing person should have while he or she is living is a personal
choice, comfort, care, understanding that this is a difficult
process, but a part of life. Not to be ostracized from the living,
but allowed to participate in life as much as possible. After death,
then the family should have the right to grieve without feeling that
guilty about doing the right thing for the departed family member.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Even with all the people around me who have died, brother, sister,
mother, mother-in-law, father-in-law, and friends I still find
myself scared of what death is like, and how will I handle my own
death. And is there an afterlife, or are we just making up reasons
to validate our own life.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I keep busy until I find that I run out of things to keep me busy,
as I said it takes about four to six months, then it hits me.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have found that my membership in a woman's chorus has brought a
great deal of comfort to me. They have been wonderfully understanding
and the friendships that I have formed from this group will always
be with me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Dealing with death has been an on going experience for me. Out of
six children in my family four of my brothers and sisters suffer
from Mytonic Dystropy, one of the forty or so types of Muscular
Dystrophy. During the past twenty years since they were diagnosed I
have watched them slowly lose their ability to move, breathe, hear,
see, swallow, inch by inch until they are completely immobile. Kept
alive by medical intravention and the sheer force of their will. It
has forced me to face my own mortality and to admire their courage
as they face the inevitable conclusion of this disease.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
In my situation I believe it was age. When I was younger it was
inconceivable that there wasn't something you could do to prevent
the death of a loved one. A cure was just around the corner, if you
follow an alternative health care you could beat the disease. Sheer
force of will was another way to stop death. As I have grown older
and experienced more of my family dieing I have found that the
only way to deal with their deaths is to accept it as a part of
living. In some ways I now look on death as a release from the
suffering and pain of a slow death.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just to be there. Trying to deal with a loved one dieing alone, is
soooooooo difficult. Just to have a hand to hold, a smile shared,
a sholder to lean on, just someone else with you is important. "A
burden shared is a burden lightened".
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It is almost a year since my mother died and this questionaire
brought up feelings that I thought I had dealt with. The loss,
the feeling of not having the one person in your life who knows you
more than any other, came back. It also brought back the feelings
of loss around my brother and sister, and the knowledge that I will
soon loose another brother and sister. However, I also know that
I will be able to survive when it does happen.
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Thu Feb 3 19:25:25 2000
F33 in washington, DC =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Physician
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: murder; Aged: 26.
--Details:
My friend was shot by a serial killer. She was working in a shoe
store on a wednesday afternoon and a man came in and took her to
the back and shot her twice in the head. No one has ever figured
out why.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Human beings only last a certain period of time. Our bodies
eventually get worn out and stop working. Many of us believe that
our inner personalities continue to exist in a spiritual way after
the body stops. Sometimes accidents, or disease, or violence can
destroy the body before it wears out.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried. I had heard of people dying and known people who died, but
I had never seen someone do it before or felt them slip away. When
I experienced a death firsthand, I cried and was cold inside for
a long time.
--That first time, how it happened was
my grandmother died when i was about 8. I felt as if I should
have been sad, but I didn't really know her that well. She lived
very far away. So when I heard, I ran to my room and tried to make
myself cry because I thought I should.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Everyone was in shock because it was so unexpected and so unfair.
She was such a kind quiet girl. It was too strange to believe.
It felt like a bad TV drama, not real life.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is a natural part of life. It should be expected and not
feared. We need to realize that our lives will end. This should
make us more willing to live life fully and let it go when it
ceases to be full. Otherwise you can spend your whole life trying
to avoid death and die anyway never having appreciated being alive.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
death stops the suffering of the sick and old. Sometimes death is
the only trump card one has against pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my faith that death is not an end to the person, just an end to
the present state of existance.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Dealing with the anger that others expressed towards her murderer
and the vengeance they spewed. There was no peace. Their anger
made it impossible to let her go. They wanted revenge and it only
ate them up inside and killed them a little more each day.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Stop talking and listen.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
think of her and ask her for help sometimes.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized that I would have to stop being angry and go on living
my life.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get to the funeral to be with everyone who was feeling as shocked
and as angry as I was. Also I was glad to be able to show her
family that she was loved and would be missed.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear her name. Or I see a movie about a young person dying.
Or I hear a news report about a murder.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I have to admit, I don't know if we would still be in contact
anymore. We were college friends. But I think the rest of us left
may be closer becuase she DID die. Strange to think that we might
have less good if that bad thing didn't happen.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
She wasn't doing anything wrong. He didn't have any reason to
hurt her. Why did this happend to someone so sweet?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
say I'm sorry for being insensitive to her when she was alive.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt a little embarrassed at how emotional I became. I remembered a
few times that I might not have been as kind to her as I might have
been and I felt awful. I wanted to go back and unsay some things.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a place to find comfort with caring people around me who rallied
to my side, even if they didn't know me that well. A place to pray
and learn to forgive, and let anger go. A place to hope.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I am a physician and have witnessed many deaths. I can say that
regardless of how a person dies, or what they believed, that there is
something very palpable that leaves a body at death. Then it just
isn't there anymore. But it seems to hang in the room somehow.
No matter how many times I see it, there is an awe at the power
of life and at the same time at it's fragility. It transcends
all expression.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How in shock and angry everyone was. I didn't think it was a very
healing ceremony at all. nobody at her funeral talked about hope or
peace or forgiveness. They talked about loss and anger. I have
since been to funerals that were healing and hopeful and in the
case of a nun who died at an old age, of rejoicing in her redemption.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I talked to my dead friend (she didn't answer, but I feel somehow
she heard) and apologized. Then I imagined how I would answer if a
friend said the same to me. I would forgive, and I feel she would
have to. So I forgave myself.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
As a physician, I often see people try to make up for a lifetime
of neglect or poor relationship by "doing everything" medically
for thier loved one. Which usually means prolonging their pain
and suffering as well as their life. sometimes the patients
themselves feel obligated to continue for their families and loved
ones' sakes. Too rarely nobody asks what the dying person really
wants for themselves.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I only know that I want to die naturally. And I don't want to cling
helplessly at the end. Dignity and peace are the important things,
not "just one more day at any cost".
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I talked to my dead friend and apologized for the times that I had
hurt her. Then I wrote a song that I play to remember her.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I remember how bad I felt that i had hurt her once and that she
died without me apologizing. It has made me slower to be insensitive
and quicker to try to mend things when I am.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Thu Feb 3 18:57:10 2000
F19 in Topsham, Maine =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: American Studies
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a car accident; Aged: 15.
--Details:
On the way back from a skiing trip Josh's car, driven by his brother,
crashed when the driver fell asleep. Josh went through the windshield
and died at the hospital.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a sad experience that everyone has to deal with when someone we
know and may be close to dies, ceases to exist.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Just accepted it, kind of like it was something that happened on TV.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my former Nanny died of brain cancer on
Christmas day. My mother told me a few days before the wake.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How hard it was for me to understand how God could let such a young
boy die.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that there are NO rules on grieving
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
being able to know that Josh felt no pain
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being able to talk to my mother about the questions that were
brought up about religion and God
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing the pain his family suffered
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Wed Feb 2 22:36:41 2000
F23 in Danville, PA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Early Child Development and Care
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 1 day ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 47.
--Details:
I'm having a very difficult time dealing with it as she was a
very important person in my life, and am only filling this out
as another part of the continual distractions I've been using to
keep from feeling the pain that keeps trying to force it's way out
through tears.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The most confusing aspect of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Refused to believe it and tried to climb into the coffin with my
grampa to take a nap with him. I was four.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I lost my grandfather who was my best friend
and often my primary caretaker.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How my cousin's wife told me at work and I collapsed, and almost
got fired for leaving my post with customers standing there,
very confused.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not something to joke about with those who are grieving.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My aunt passed with little pain, and was being held by her daughter
when she passed away.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My other Aunt who's been like a rock even though she's falling
apart as much as the rest of us.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching her suffer as long as she did and having doubts of
faith... That hurts more than losing her to death, thinking she may
be just gone and wondering if there is an afterlife or if this is it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
If someone knows they're dying and are afraid, give them reason
to believe death is just a new beginning even if your faith is
faltering. When you know you're gonna die you want reassurance
that you will go on even if it's in another form.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Have grown up knowing how to be strong for family in times of
grief, but still haven't learned how to take care of my own pain.
I'm pretty sure this is common.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was first told my Aunt had passed on. I completely fell apart,
I couldn't believe she was gone even though she'd been going downhill
for a long time.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
That's never happened to me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
See her one last time while she was alive. I hadn't seen her in
over a month
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Give her the poem I wrote for her about how much I loved her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I had to let my Uncle (her brother) know that my Aunt had passed
away. That was hard enough, but then I had to let MY brother know.
He's my "big" brother, and I'd only ever seen him cry 2 times before
that in our whole lives together. I almost went to pieces right
then and there.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Everyone kept asking who was getting what today, and those of us
who actually cared for her were deeply hurt by this callous behavior.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I wish I could let myself break down and have a really good cry,
but I keep doing all kinds of things to distract myself so I don't
give the pain a chance to control me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I just wish that could happen, I want her back with us sooooo badly.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
She was only 47 years old. She had a 7 year old little boy, and
her oldest son (25) had to tell him that Mommy had died, that just
isn't fair at all.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Be certain that she's, "in a better place".
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I haven't gotten there yet, this time.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
total disgust.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
She was cared for at home because there were no hospice's in the
area for underprivelidged families.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Total fear. I'm terrified about whether or not there is life
after death.
--Religious Affiliation:
Protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
empty, I wanna feel, but I'm afraid to.
--Regarding MONEY:
Our whole family helped with what they could. We all pitched in
according to what we had and everyone respected everyone else's
situation.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It's tomorrow.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
That I want the poem I wrote her back. I just don't want it to be
thrown out.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Inability to eat, drink, or stay cognisant for long periods of
time. The sudden wanting to see extended family after a long
period of not wanting to see anyone other than immediate family
and nessacary medical personell.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I'm stuck. I'm so afraid I'll fall apart at the funeral tomorrow
and not be strong for my family.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My Aunt was talking to her mom (my gram) for a lengthy period
of time, just before she passed away. I hope Gram was actually
there to help take her wherever she was going. Heaven, a new
life... whatever. I just hope she didn't have to go alone, and I
hope she wasn't just delusional, and that Gram was actually there.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I just hope she knows how much I love her and how very much she'll
always mean to me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd just want to tell her I want her back, but since that cannot
happen I want her to be in a place of joy. I also would tell her I
love her, and she'd probably tell me that she's better off this way.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I've been told by my Gram when she was with us that my cousin
Conner was two years old when his paternal grandfather passed away.
The 2 were very close and I guess Connor woke up at 2a.m. when
my gram was visiting them and she went into his room and tried to
get him to lie back down, but he kept pointing to the chair he and
his grandfather always looked at books together in, and insisting,
"talka to Pawpaw, no sleep, talka to Pawpaw!!" My gram found out
the next morning that his "Pawpaw" had passed away, and a week later
the coroner's report stated that it had been between 12am and 3am.
Connor was talking to him after he'd already passed on.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The persons Rights and Wishes must be followed to a tee. It is
their last request they'll make on their friends and family, so
there is no excuse to stray from those wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I just really hope I can put the pieces of my once strong faith
back together and be worthy of being with my Grampa, and Gram,
and my Aunt in heaven if it exists.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I think I need to develop one.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Don't have any.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Not at this point.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I've just been trying to hold together and be helpful to my cousins,
who just lost their mom.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I actually came close to crying, but I am still afraid that if I
fall apart I'll be no help to the members of my family who need a
strong shoulder.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
You could add the question, "How did you get yourself to let go
of the pain and allow yourself to grieve?" The answer would be
helpful to some of us, I know.
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Wed Feb 2 14:11:19 2000
M38 in binghamton, new york =usa=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
school project
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 72.
--Details:
he was healthy untill he died
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the stopage of life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wondered what was the big deal
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was my grandmother who went to hospital
for hip surgery and died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my family sitting around crying and feeling sad when they would
not come to vist him when he was alive, this stank
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
do not dwellon it it happens it is life be happy until you die
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i am ready to go at any time and i will not regret it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
quiet time by self and time to think
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the bull from the rest of the family who just wanted some stuff.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
talk to them like it is ok to go do not have them linger tell them
it is their time to go and say it it ok
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
do what feels right at the time who cares what others think
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell people what you think of them you never know when somone is
going to kick off
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be strong for the rest of the family
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i am almost half dead now
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
good people get cancer and die and bad people seam to go on forever
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stop
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
hospice is very good i love them all
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
money
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic,christian
--Regarding MONEY:
everybody had the hand out
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the flowers
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
cremation
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i have had visits form dead parents
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
yes both my parents came back to say good by in thier own way.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
just deal with it it is a part of life face it and dont be scared
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
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Wed Feb 2 13:23:01 2000
F22 in , TX =Luftkin=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i was just browsing through survey's
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Prof/Studies: office work
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: head injuries; Aged: 46.
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--Death Is:
scary, but i believe you go to this bueatiful place and have peace
with your loved ones that are already there.But death leaves a
bunch of broken lives and hearts.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 6 years old and lived in the country and i was very sad cause
i was very close to this person.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My nanny had heart problems. than when i
was 16 my dad died from bad injures to the head, i hadn't seen him
since i was 8.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was little i really dont remember much.
--What I think my (Luftkin) culture needs to better learn about death is:
relizing it happens everyday and cherish the love ones you have.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
you just have to take one day at a time.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
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Wed Feb 2 08:47:06 2000
F22 in New York, New York =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
Prof/Studies: student Major: Social Work
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 19 years ago.
Cause of Death: Lung/Breast cancer; Aged: 43.
--Details:
she had many complications growing up because she was born with
Spina Bifida. She was a smoker which caused the lung cancer and
then spread to breast cancer.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when someone goes to another place. Depending on how the person's
life ends he/she will go to a good place where they can choose who
is there and what it looks like.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was three years old. My mother died. I still think about her and
wonder wwhat my life would be like if she was still here.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was my mother was sick throughout my life. She died
when i was three years old from cancer. In august my grandmother
who i was very close with died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
moving away from the place i knew most. i moved to another part
of the country to live with new people and a new family.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
why people can go so early. My mother was only 43 years old when she
died. If there is a god why did he have to take her away so soon?
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i moved into a new home which gave me so many opportunites throughout
my life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i still haven't gotten over the deaths
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
even if you don't feel comfortable seeing the person you love dying,
it is important to stay there with that person because in the end
it will mean a lot to them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my grandmother who was very smart and always coherent and
independent stopped talking, needed assistance with everything and
lost her dependence. I wonder if this was lost because she was in
a nursing home and just wanted to give up. In terms of my mother,
I just am confused about why she had to leave so soon in my life.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have more memories with my mother that i remembered. I wish i had
the opportunity to be a perfect grandaughter to my grandmother and
accomplished everything that she wanted me to
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend time with both my grandmother and my mother
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i look at pictures of the two of us or the three of us. When i
read a letter from my grandmother ot my mother to me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If my mother was alive i probably wouldn't be living in a big city.
i don't know where i would be going to school. i would have a
wonderful relationship with her. i wouldn't have any brothers
or sisters. i would have many friends that were always looking
out for me
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my mother had to die so soon.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be in the same place as my mother and my grandmother
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did nothing for me
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I have not had any contact with hospice
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a place that my grandmother had wonderful feelings about.
--Religious Affiliation:
i am still having a hard time with religion becuase i don't
understand how God could take away a child's mother.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
I am still dealing with it everyday. I have been dealing with it
since i was three
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
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Wed Feb 2 04:40:56 2000
F28 in Adelaide, SA =Australia=
Email: <annieck=at=primus.com.au>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Musician/Secretary
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Journey of Souls
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Dr Michael Newton PhD
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 20 months ago.
Cause of Death: Suicide; Aged: 26.
--Details:
Her suicide was absolutely pre-meditated. She researched
pharmacuticals that can kill relatively painlessly. She showered,
typed a long letter on her computer and left it on for someone to
find. She then got a large bottle of water, lay in bed and took 200
pills called "Endep" - an anti-depressant she'd specifically asked
for from her therapist after she'd learned that it could kill her.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Moving onto the next metaphysical stage of our soul's journey.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
took it in my stride and basically went on with my life since I
was only 7 years old.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandpa died when I was 7. At the time
I was growing up, my family were Mormons so my parents were able
to explain to me that Grandpa had gone to the "celestial kingdom"
or "heaven". Since I believed in an after life and God, I felt
comfortable that he was in a safe place and happy, maybe happier
than he ever was here.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The Anger and dispair I felt when I found out she had died.
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Our culture needs to focus less on heaven and hell and more on
spirituality and re-incarnation.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I realised that suicide doesn't solve anything.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Playing the music Monique and I used to listen to, spending time
with her mom helped me alot too.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Realising she's never coming back. It's not like she's just gone
overseas or something - she's NEVER going to be a part of my life
again. I'll never run into her or talk on the phone or be able to
rely on her. She's just ceased to exist.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
n/a
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I learned to live without the girl I became a woman with. The one
who knew the most about me. I know I'll never have another best
friend like that, but the thing I would want people to know is,
life DOES go on and you DO get through it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I became obsessed with suicide and why people did it. I understand
the "release" but I don't think there's a more selfish act than
suicide.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It's a natural human reaction to a stressful situation.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish she had the guts to come to me for help before she took her
life. I would have done anything to help her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
KNOW her for the time I did.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The day I thought about Monique and didn't feel ANYTHING anymore.
I knew from that moment that I realised that, the grief was ending.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Whether to be buried or cremated. It's just a shell. The "person"
has gone - it's just a slab of meat.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I don't get teary anymore.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I figure that with Monique, it was going to happen sooner or later.
In retrospect, she was a timebomb.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Life's not fair ...I didn't have such thoughts.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
take a nap.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I was relieved that I was finally making sense of it all.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust re: medical profession handing out which ever pills someone
asks for.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
Growing up I was a Mormon. Now, I am no religion at all and never
want to be.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Religion works like corporations. SPirituality is what's important
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Tension, anger, frustration and greif among all that were there.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Re-evaluating my life.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I don't know. All I know is, you can't say there's a set of rules
to suicide victims. One thing is, if someone SAYS they're going
to kill themselves, they just want attention. People who really
want to do it, won't say anything.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it's a long road back.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I had a dream about Monique after she died. She looked different
but I knew it was her. She said she was sorry for what she had
done but she was okay. I believe she DID indeed visit me and it
wasn't just a normal dream.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
n/a
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I reported this 2 questions back.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I work in a law firm and I believe you really need a will and if
you don't wish to be kept on life support then you need a living
will as well. I believe in the rights of dying people.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not afraid of dying however, I have no desire to check out
just yet.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I went to her grave and told her I wasn't going to greive for her
anymore because she could still be here if she wanted to so I went
to say goodbye.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have different and more distant relationships with friends now.
I find myself not wanting to get too close to people and if someone
mentions killing themselves I become extremely angry and withdraw.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I've only kept in touch with Monique's mom. I do find it difficult
at times talking with her about Monique and especially being at
her house when Mon's not there but that's the only relationship
that's grown.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
I was so young so I was really guided mostly by my parents.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I really feel I did well coping in my own way with the help of my
sister and family.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I have no problem talking about death or the death of Monique so
this questionaire, if put to good use is fine.
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Tue Feb 1 23:28:12 2000
M27 in , maine =u.s=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
just browsing,typed in death and you came up with a few more clicks
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Prof/Studies: mechanic
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 10 ago.
Cause of Death: negligence; Aged: 10.
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--Death Is:
a time for morning for the ones we love, hoping and praying that they
go to the place we dream for them,and pray that if were permitted to
be greeted by them upon our death into the dreamworld called heaven..
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my wife let our dog lucky out to go to the
bathroom like we have many times before,it was late around 7:30pm
when i went out to call him like i have for the past 10 years, he
didnt return so we went looking for him, he liked to roam a bit.we
checked the usual places he was no where to be found.we went back
home and i called my brother who lives next to me to ask if he had
seen him,he said he had seen him early that morning when i let him
out around6:45am and that he was heading under the overpass bridge
across from our house where the train passes threw.so i decided to
look under there for the heck of it.it was cold and dark so i took
a flash light and was going to head down the tracks to the south
when i sware to god i saw some eyes reflecting from the underneath
side of the bridge where the support beams were so i called out his
name to get over here like i always do, when i noticed about 25 feet
away from where i was standing was my dog lucky who had been hit by
the train needless to say i was in shock, didnt want to beleive it
but i knew in my heart it was him.people dont realize how a pet or
a true friend like my dog really is a lot like having a child.this
happend january19,1999 between 6:30pm and9:00pm i think about it
almost every day,i start to feel happy some days and like a switch
he pops in to my mind and makes me realize just how fortunate we are
to be able to share the love we all have for each other, while god
permits us to. i never knew what the eyes werethat i saw that night,
i speculated it may have been a cat,but ill always wonder if it was
him showing me where he was so i wouldnt continue to look for him..
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
what the whole meaning of life really is..
--What I think my (u.s) culture needs to better learn about death is:
its certainty
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the understanding of how little time you really have with the ones
you love..
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing god knows that animals dont know wright from wrong,wich
hopefuly grants them a one way ticket to what ever there heart
desires..
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
trying to go on
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hug him one more time
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
life after
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
ive only had two dreams of him which felt so real,one was me hugging
him telling my wife see hes ok..
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring him back
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
just to know that hes ok thats all..
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
just the dream i described earlier although it felt real i feel
it was my emotions acting on me while i slept,but i still wish i
would have more dreams like it..
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
hopefuly with no hate,that they might say i done no one any harm..
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
at night whan its late sometimes without anyone knowing ill go
outside and prey to god to please tell him i miss him,and sometimes
the goose bumps i get,i feel and hope is my reply..
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i look a pets with much more love and understanding
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
i ask god and jesus to please take care of him,
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
it changes the way you look at life as a whole
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
i just wish that everyone could take a second and realize that if
they were alone on a planet for years with no one, even your worst
enemy would be the most pleasent sight one could ever imagine.so
treat everything alive like you and they are the only ones left in
the world and nothing but good will come of it that ive learned..
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Tue Feb 1 16:15:18 2000
F42 in Binghamton, New York =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 13yrs ago.
Cause of Death: accident; Aged: 25.
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...An uncle.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
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See Jan 00 contributions.
See Dec 99 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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