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See Current contributions.
See Nov 99 contributions.
See Oct 99 contributions.
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Fri Dec 31 16:27:09 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Typed in "Bardo"
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
"Awaken the Buddha Within"
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Lama Surya Das
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: Asthma attack; Aged: 76.
--Details:
She could have recovered if she didn't go through severe withdrawls
from Alcohol.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Of body only. Our energy, which can be called the soul, buddha
nature, mind or qualities go beyond.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was sorry for the other people who would miss her.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My hampster died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How my mothers eyes were empty. Lifeless. My mom was no longer
in her body.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to let it happen quietly. The doctors and nurses not fear a
lawsuit if they don't try EVERYTHING to save a life if they know
it to be over.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Before my mom afternoon before my mom died, I got to see her at
peace. And during her death I got to pray that she have a safe
journey, and for her not to worry because she's on her way to a
new begining.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
A month before my mom died, I started up with a buddhist group,
and had my first understanding of impermanence.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I didn't realize just how much I actually loved her.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
"Let them know that they are dearly loved. To let go of any
fears of the unknown, because deep down they know whats beyond and
it's nothing to fear. That they are good. Most of all that they
are good.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The doctors took extreme measures to try and keep my mother alive.
We knew she was dead when we arrived at the hospital, but the doctors
kept pounding her chest, giving her shots to keep the heart going,
electrical shock and all the while we could see in her eyes that
she was no longer there.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I laughed during my Grandma's funeral. Only because I didn't know
what was going on around me. I was not close to Grandma and at the
time I didn't feel a loss. And I didn't comprehend why others felt
a loss. This was due to lack of awareness.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
None, I feel I had a good relationship with my mom just before she
died. I didn't five years earlier. But with my spiritual awakening
five years earlier, I made amends with mom.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Love my mom, before she died. I use to resent her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Our entire family, in-laws etc. had something in common, the love
for my Mom.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
A memorial. It was Moms wish not to have one and the immediate
family was going to honor this, but Mom's brother thought us
insenitive and said if we weren't going to have a memorial then
he would do it. So, we did one, but told the minister to make
it quick. Personally, I agree with Mom not wanting a memorial.
She did want a party though, so we for sure through a hugh party
for her after the memorial.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm experiencing life and Mom missed out on it. Exp: Getting to
see the year 2000 come about.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Get mom into a treatment center for Alcoholics. Instead of not
dealing with it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That children die.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Change.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
began to see what really matters in life. Other people. Not my
passions, not my desires, but other peoples well- being. That it's
very important to treat others the same as if they were someone very
dear to me. Let them know that they are beautiful, good and loved.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Doctors need to become healers again.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A place where we could have the memorial. Most of my family and
extended family are not religious. I became spiritual through
A.A. and not through an organized religion.
--Religious Affiliation:
Buddist/Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
We all need to realize this in life too.
--Regarding MONEY:
At least for me was the issue of my sister-in-law being in charge
of my parents finances. Even though in legality it's my brother
who's listed as executor of the estate, we all know he leave's
that up to his wife. This disturbs me very much. It's an issue
I'm still learning how to let go of.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The memorial was stupid, but the party was pretty good.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Watching my older sister just lose it. She couldn't stop crying.
It felt insincere to me, probably because I failed to understand
what death meant to her.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Beats me.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
what helped was knowing she didn't suffer. And that she's moving
on to something new.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I thing mom must of had this experience, but kept it to herself. She
was so serene the afternoon before her death.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I've only heard about near death.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
As I mentioned, I wish I would've managed somehow to get mom to
understand that the reason why she's lonely and moody is due to
her drinking. But, I did not. So, after my mom died, I started
going back to A.A. meetings and helping those who have the desire
to stop drinking.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I don't expect to hear or say anything to help me deal with my
feelings now.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I was asleep, dreaming that I was in my grandmothers kitchen and
suddenly I felt moms presents. It was very strong. Then my twin
sister was in the kitchen and when I told her that moms presents
was in the kitchen a powerful energy of light filled the room and I
could feel my self yelling 'MOM', 'MOM' and I awoke with the word
'Mom' coming from my lips. This dream didn't feel like it was
an assurance or a message. It was just a powerful experience.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
That I die quietly. That my spiritual teacher be made aware of
my dying so that she can guide my spirit through the bardo's.
And that all my good body parts be given to those in need.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Due to studying Buddhism, I'm working everyday at realizing my
mortality and that today is my only chance to do good for all
sentient beings because there might not be a tomorrow.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I guess the 'coping' part would be just knowing that my mom didn't
have to live the rest of her life as an invalid or that she had to
be taken care of due to senility or ill-health. Knowing this has
really, really helped me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Because my mom died realitively in good health, mentally and
physically, I've had urges to go visit nursing homes, but my fears
are great. I'm hoping to overcome these fears of inadequacies and
volunteer my time to those who are living in nursing homes due to
mental deteriations and/or physical deteriations.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My dad. Since I am single, Dad has called me (which he never did)
and asks me out to dinner. Through these dinners, I have developed
a new relationship with him that wouldn't have been possible while
mom was alive. Not that mom purposely stopped Dad from developing
a close relationship with his daughters. It's just that now,
Dad has no one else. He always had Mom.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
"My siblings didn't think it was a big deal that our hampster died,
so I didn't either.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
No body close to me died until I was in my forties.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I'm not sure.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I did cry at describing moms death. I realized I still need to
let go of any resentments toward family members.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I was wondering if perchance I happened upon this questionair before
my mom died. I know that before she died, I had no experience
of a close personal death, except for my cat of 10 years. All my
answers would have been relating to my cat. Who you have dismissed
my grief of a cat?
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Fri Dec 31 14:46:43 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Typed in "Bardo"
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
"Awaken the Buddha Within"
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My hampster died
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
"My siblings didn't think it was a big deal that our hampster died,
so I didn't either.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
No body close to me died until I was in my forties.
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Fri Dec 31 00:53:01 1999
M20 in CINCINNATI, OHIO =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: POLICE OFFICER
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More personal info:
POST IT.. PERSONAL RESPONSES ACCEPTED
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 5 YEARS ago.
Cause of Death: AGE; Aged: 43.
--Details:
CANCER
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--Death Is:
NOT ENOUGH TIME TO EXPLAIN
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
DIDNT UNDERSTAND
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...HEART ATTACK, NEIGHBOR, HIS WIDOW HELPED ME
THROUGH IT
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
HOW HURT EVERYONE WAS
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
THE MINISTER MADE US MORE COMFORTABLE WITH IT
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
MY PARENTS
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
WALKING UP TO THE CASKET
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
DEALT WITH IT
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I WOULDNT CHANGE ANYTHING
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
SHOW A LITTLE MORE FEELING DURING THE FUNERAL
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
BE THERE
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
MY FAMILY ASKED ME FOR SUGGESTIONS
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
WHAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHEN THEY GAVE THEIR CONDOLENCES
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
THE PAIN THIS HAS PUT MY FAMILY THROUGH
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
WE WOULD ALL BE ALOT HAPPIER..
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
THAT IT HURTS SO MUCH WHEN SOMEONE LEAVES US. LAYING IN THAT BOX
ALL ALONE, SO QUIET, SO DARK, SO SILENT, SO COLD
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
HAVE SOMEONE ELSE DO IT
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
BROKE DOWN AND CRIED FOR ABOUT THREE DAYS
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
SOMEONE WAS THERE
--Religious Affiliation:
CHRISTIAN
--Regarding MONEY:
YOU GET RIPPED OFF BY EVERYONE IN YOUR TIME OF NEED
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
HOW FAKE EVERYONE WAS
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
KNOWING WHAT TO SAY TO PEOPLE
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
A CROSS ON THE HIGHWAY
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
IVE EXPERIENCED THIS AND IT WAS AMAZING TO SEE. I DIDNT EXPERIENCE
IT PERSONALY BUT I WATCHED MY AUNT AS SHE SEEN THOSE PEOPLE
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I HAVE NO UNRESOLVED ISSUES
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I WOULD HAVE CLOSURE
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I HAVE VARIOUS PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS THAT HAVE PASSED
COME TO ME IN DREAMS AND TALK TO ME. I ALSO HAVE STRANGERS COME
AND TALK TO ME WHOM ARE DEAD.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I WOULD JUST LIKE PEOPLE TO REMEMBER ALL THAT I HAVE DONE WITH MY
LIFE AND HOW MANY PEOPLE I HAVE HELPED AND MADE SMILE
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
ITS BEEN FUN
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
DRINKING A 12 PACK OF BEER
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I WEAR MY SEATBELT NOW
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
OUR FAMILY IS CLOSER NOW
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Alcohol
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
JUST BEING THERE
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
NOTHING REALLY CHANGED
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Thu Dec 30 20:35:15 1999
F48 in North Branch, Michigan =Lapeer=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: HOSPICE, Case Manger
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More personal info:
I am dedicated to the Hospice concept, and believe everyone desevers
a "good Death".
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tuesdays with Maury
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
I forgot
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 22 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: drunk driver- MVA; Aged: 15.
--Details:
She was young, I was 11 years her senoir and pregnant with my
first child. So many losses, sorrow guilt but yet surrounded by
the potential joy of an upcoming birth, that Cherie would never
be able to share or my new son not being able to share with her,
life. After 22 years I still cry, sing, talk to her, and yes now
laugh with her. My son's know Cherie but will be unable to touch
her, she is not forgotten. I love her.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of one part of the human journey but the beginning of one's
next journey of the unknown. Just as birth creates the beginning of
the first part of the unknown journey, death of the human body ends
that cycle and off one goes else where, the spirit which remains
intact with its energy (ions, etc), soars. Thus attending
the death of a human is an honor and a gift, however riddled
with sadness and sorrow. It is a gift. Life itself is terminal.
So get the most out of the inbetween. S. Landers R.N.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was overwhelmed with sadness and self pity and anger. All human
respones yes. But as time has allowed me to mature and gain wisdom
I veiw death totally differnt.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my dearest grandfather died at the age of 74.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The most recent death was 12-21-99. A patient, a wonderful man.
His choice was hospice. His symptoms were managed and he remained
active in the decision making process right up till just before he
slipped into a coma. He died peacefully surrounded by family and
friends and this nurse. I first felt sadness followed by relief.
--What I think my (Lapeer) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To reach resolution with the person who is dying. Finish old
conversations. Talk about anticipatory greiveing, what the person
ment and cry with that dying person and treat them with the utmost
respect, dignity and just as one had treated that person before.
And the #1 lesson- please use humor it is one of our greatest assets.
Most people know they are dying talk about their fears and yours.
Thanks the person for giving and sharing their life with others,
and lastly if possible be there at the end. It is the ultimate gift.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
MEMORIES_MEMORIES_MEMORIES. Too many to mention but make those
memories now to give to your loved ones for after, and you for just
before the end.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
support of all my co-workers, and my sons, but I need to get bck in
touch with mother earth, her Lake Michigan shoreline, and wlk with my
dog alone for hours, mostly thinking and letting the natural sounds
penetrate and cleansemy spirit so I can go back nd give some more.
Works every time. Yippie!
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My sister, Cherie too young, it could have been avoided, etc.
What I endured for far to long was pure rage coupled with the fuel
from the constant question WHY?
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I have guilt to this day for not being at my grandfathers death or
my sisters. But today I am a Certified Hospice Pallitive Nurse and
I shine now whit assisting pts. and families cope and gather and
grieve and hopefully gain a sense of resolution before the loved
one dyes. Being there is a gift!
--[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Overcame the anger and rage and translated it into a positive force
that remains with me to this day. And that time is essential to gain
the insight to gather the strength to get rid of the neg and turn
it into a positive force. Ultimately leading to Hospice nursing.
Learning new things daily and helping others learn how to cope
with their individual grief, loss, guilt ect. I know that I make
a difference in peoples lives in a postive qway. It doesn't get
much better than this. Very rewarding for both sided.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Does not apply to me. I understand the varying levels of the
process.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I responded as human as possible, Sometimes laughter is a wonderful
and safe coping mech.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
With my sister and grandfather, to tell them how important they
both were and how much I love them and to be able to say goodbye
and ultimately givng them permission to go.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Share and validate the sorrow and overwhelming loss with loved ones
and friends of the decesed. And give the silent long hug of tears.
And to just listen and feel their loss.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
N/A
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
too many experiences to pick form
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
A song comes on. When I smell a certain smell. When I am entering
the cementary to visit her, and sometimes she just pops into my
head and I cry crocodile tears that can evaporate into a warm fuzzy
feeling all over, punctuated with a smile.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
death is final to me. No daydreams or what ifs except wondering
where they are and what are they doing?
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
already address in a previos question.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I have over come this period ofthe grieving process.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I recently, 6 mo ago lost a dear friend, 48 yo/f. We were
like sisters. I was her Hospice nurse. What relly struck me ,
when it really hit, was profound loss and a sense of unfairness.
And further I discovered I had not taken time to greive, my own
greif. I actually lost it. Call it death overload or whatever
fits. I withdrew took 4 days off work and sobed for days. Went to
reenergize at the waters edge amd ultimately found that I too have
very human faults/traits. It really hurt, but once again I found
goodness in the pain and G will never be forgotten by me. It was
a life altering event. My own mortality came up and shook my hand.
Pretty humbling experience but equally enlighting.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
With the death of my dear friend , hospice was involved, an in
patient facility. And since I was directly involved in her care I
feel that it was a positive experience. Lots of sadness and sorrow
but the family was so grateful for all the support they received
adn how comfortable the pt remained till her death. Her husband
stated he couldn't have done it without our assistence,nursing,
social work , spiritual and voluteers combined efforts,
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I work as a Hospice RN All experiences are indivdual.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
N/A
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
answered previously.
--Regarding MONEY:
N/A
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
A blurr
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Is she really dead.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Sharing the experience with others. We don't do death well in
America.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
Since I am now a Hospice RN I have learned from my first experience
with a personel death on how to cope with good mental health.
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Thu Dec 30 09:50:23 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 11 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 36.
--Details:
He was ill for a cery long time and lived much longer than expected.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when someone is no longer able to participate in the rituals of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
don't think I really understood that I would never again be able
to see her.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father's mother died when I was four.
I don't think I knew what was going on and only have a vague
recollection of her at all.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I was in complete denial and did not want to attend the funeral
so that I would not have to say goodbye.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it doesn't only happen to bad people.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my uncle no longer has to suffer so greatly.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
visiting his grave and saying goodbye and just talking to him and
feeling him with me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
letting go.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't hold back. Always let the people you love know you love them.
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
denied it but avoiding the funeral and regret that dcision to
this day.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the pain wouldn't go away. Why did my uncle, so young, have to die?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
people have a hard time feeling emotions, especially hard ones,
so laughter is a way to overcome this uncomfortableness of feeling.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
attend the funeral and what I would have really wanted would have
been to say goodbye before he died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
hold myself together and be there for my family.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my aunt was so strong and dealt with it so well.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
???
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Well, his wife has continued to be an integral part of my life as
I vacation there twice a year, so he would have staye dinvolved
in my daily life. I dated my aunt's boyfriends son, who I would
never have met had my uncle never have died. He remains a very
close friend, and I wouldn't be blessed with his friendship.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why should someone so wonderful, so young have had to suffer so
much and leave us.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring him back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
fell apart. Though, when I accepted it and was able to say goodbye,
things were better.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I just don't understand ... how can there be no cure for cancer?
It seems the disease has been around long enough, yet all the
"cures" often make you suffer even more.
--Religious Affiliation:
Jewish
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that I was in complete denial
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Thu Dec 30 00:19:24 1999
F20 in Peoria, Illinois =USA=
Name: Jamie
Email: <KDARKENT-at-AOL..com>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Prof/Studies: Mommy
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More personal info:
Every minute of every hour of every day I miss my Brother. I know
that when I get to Heaven he will be there waiting, and all the
pain and sorrow will be gone.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
talking to heaven
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
James van Praugh
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 5 months ago.
Cause of Death: automobile accident; Aged: 17.
--Details:
he stayed up all night partying. Left for St. Louis, MO early the
next morning. On the way home the vehicle he was in flipped over
and he was partially thrown out the back side window. Died of
blunt force trauma to the chest and massive head injuries.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the leaving of the soul to it's natural state. Returing to the
God we all know is waiting for us.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
don't remember
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather had a terminal illness
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how detached from the entire event I felt. Even though everyone
kept talking about it, it didn't seem real to me
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not the end
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my daughter, who lokks and acts exactly like her uncle. She was
one of the biggest helps to everyone. God, a definate need for
spirituality
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that the person I fely closest to in my life was never
going to be there for me to talk to ever again. Someone I shared
everything with since he was born. I will miss my brother forever
and ever
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
tried to be there for his friends. I tried so hard to be strong
for them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't understand why with fuor people in the vehicle he was the
only one injured
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was consumed with more emotion than I have ever felt in my
entire life.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
To go to the party he really wanted mr to go to the night before
he died. Maybe things would be different. And also, to tell him
I LOVE HIM, even though I'm sure he knew.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
continue to care for my daughter. And be there for my Mother
and Father.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
how much better I fely when I was just able to stand there and hold
his hand. at the hospital and at the funeral home.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what anyone thought of the funeral. We made it into something he
would have liked and appreciated.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I want to pick up the phone and call him. Or go hang out with him.
usually I see someone that looks like him and I start to cry.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would make sure that he knew just how much I love him and how
important he was to me
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It's just not fair because he was so young and such a good person.
He had so much to live for and so much life in him.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to him for five minutes. Even though I would want an eternity.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
withdrew from everyone. It hurt so bad, somedays all I would do
was sit in the cemetary and listen to music. I left the father of
my child. then I started drinking trying to mask my emotions
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did everything they could for him. I am very thankful for
their support and I told them this when I had to view the body.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
My belief in God helped me through the hardest part of my life,
and to that I am eternaly grateful
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding MONEY:
It made no difference
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
He was andis loved by so many people that it was overwhelming.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how he looked when he was dead. You could actually see that his
soul had left. Like it wasn't even him laying there.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I wasn't there with him when it happened. I was three hours away.
The night before it happened I went outside at night and there
were birds singing. I walked inside and told my boyfriend I knew
something bad was going to happen. the next day all i wanted to do
was go see my brother. I was paniced to the point I couldn't take
care of my baby. Right when I was feeling the worstimpending doom,
someone knocked on my door. It was my Mom and when she waled into
my house I knew I was right.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would let him know how much i love him. How much his niece
acts and looks just like him. I just want hear him say, "hey J"
one more time
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
right after the death we could smell him in the house. When I
would go to sleep I would wake up at four in the morning every
night hearing the loudest boom noise I have ever heard in my life.
I could feel him there. Every once in a while I'll sense that
he is near me or I will smell the cologne he used to wear when
I'm sitting in my living room. Lights turn on by themselves.
The dog will sit in front of his bedroom door and bark.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
it happens to everyone
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I try to talk to him all the time. I wear his clothes sometimes
and I feel closer to him.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I take the time to tell people how much they mean to me. I tell my
mother I love her all the time. I take time to appreciate things
like i never have before.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i was there for all of his friends
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
made me relive everything all over again
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Wed Dec 29 22:54:02 1999
F27 in Alpine, , TX =USA=
Name: Anna Bucher
Email: <cakrs-at-brooksdata.net>
Web: none
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
was surfing the web
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Prof/Studies: Homemaker
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More personal info:
I'm the mother of 4 beautiful children, I have a wonderful husband
and some day we will all be in heaven. I hate that my family hurts,
but up there, there will be no pain. we will be perfect.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
The holy spirit
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 9 ago.
Cause of Death: murder; Aged: 44.
--Details:
My father in law was shot in the head and I witness the killing.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a rebirth into a more energy like existance. We become the creator
as He meant us to be.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was sad and I knew I would miss her very much but I would always
love her.
--That first time, how it happened was
Grandmother had a heart attack and I was in bed with her. Woke up
and she was stiff, cold and wouldn't wake up.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My husbands own quilt and the pain he inflicted on others trying
to deal with his father's death, and manner of death.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not something to be sad about. It's ok to miss the person but we
shouldn't be so selfish that we wouldn't want what was best for them.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
In death there is no pain. Just a going to sleep and the world
ends to be started over again.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I didn't really need any support. I don't look at death the same
way others do.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing they aren't coming back, in my lifetime. And that they left
without me, they didn't wait for me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to be quiet, listen, try to understand that they feel a great loss.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
love life for the lessons it teaches, and how wonderful it will be
when the test is over. When we aren't in the womb of our father
anymore and can grow in spirit as he is.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
everyone attended the funeral to listen to some preacher say words
over a body. no one stood to tell of her affect in their lives.
isn't that what is important? how someone affect our lives?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never laughed where anyone could see me because I knew they would
take it the wrong way.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I can't regret what was meant to be.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
live and grow, not be what my family is, to be a good mother and
to have a wonderful husband and parent realtionship
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the body was put away for ever and the spirit went on to it's
new home.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the flag folding thing. I don't get it?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think that I won't get to hug or kiss that person again.
How strongly I will miss them in my life. But life goes on.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
not happening. My life is what God wants me to have. It's what
He thinks I need. So I must need to be here.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That my father in law was murdered and the guy who did it only
got 12 years, but God gained vengence. The man died in prison 2
years later.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
make everyone else understand that just because someone died doesn't
mean everything good in life died too.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was sad, maybe angry, at first i never wanted that to happen again.
Now it is diffrent.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
if God wants you, He is going to take you and no one can save you.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Oh, heck them places don't give a lick about anyone. What they
want is the money and what the relatives want is the person out of
their lives.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. I developed my own relationship with God and then He
sought me out, when I got lost again.
--Religious Affiliation:
currently I am baptist, practicing christianity, and a child of God.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
wrong. read your bible. look at life the way He instructed us to.
--Regarding MONEY:
there was this judge that got our father creamated, and he paid
for it out of his own pocket. $900, and he didn't want it back.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that my mother in law, who became a homosexual after seperating from
my father had a homosexual priest pray over his funeral. I was mad.
still am.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the bee that stung the soldier. i still think is was charlie
telling us all good-bye. the soldier was hightly allergic to bee
stings and it's just the stunt that charlie would pull
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
none. I wanna go without any warning what so ever. and that's what
i prefer for the rest of my loved ones.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was saying goodbye to an old friend, and getting on with my life.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
sorry but that is garbadge. god says there isn't any such things.
it's the devil trying to get you before you get to go home.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
sort of, near life and instanity experiance. I know now that it
was a visitation from demons to try to lie to me/
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I would like to tell charlie sorry for being so judgmental and he
really wasn't that bad. i hope he knows why i couldn't trust him.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
sorry but i'd be scared that the devil was trying to get me again.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
something has, i used to do work as a medium, i have since learned
it was demons using familiar forms. it's possible that as god is
always with us so to is satan and his friends.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
well, if you have anything you want passed on make sure there
is a notice of what to who and when. also if you want people to
remember you and be happy for you keep them an after death diary.
to be opened after you die.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i'm not ready but if God needs me I'm gone. He will only do what
is best for me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i wrote a letter to the dead person, told them all about it, spoke
to Jesus about it and then burned the letter.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
when I miss someone that has died i talk to them like they were
still here. or what i call a heavenly phone. I'm sure Jesus will
relay my message
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no, i have noticed that i want less to do with people. i have my
own life to deal with and here they go being misreable.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
I know we will one day be with God in heaven
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
No one understanding that life isn't a permanant loss
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i helped everyone else. it never affected me like it did them so
i just helped them to see what was what
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i like, got me to think about how i handle death, seriously, not
just from my point of view but from others. i must sound cold but
i'm not really, i just see death diffrently.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
i think maybe you should ask to describe what life is to you?
i mean to deal with death you have to know why life is so important.
why doesn't anyone want to move on.
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Tue Dec 28 13:35:33 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
looking for psychology stuff... saw death/dying... I've got a
curiosity to it.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, a month ago.
Cause of Death: a fourth stroke...crainial bleeding; Aged: 75.
--Details:
She had had another stroke on her way to viewing my uncles' new
church.. she laid in a hospital for a few days..they said she'd be
fine with 50% paralysis and when the CAT scan papers came back in,
they discovered the bleeding and decided to go in for surgery under
the condition that she'd be a vegtable forever. When they went into
her room again..she had died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
so many things. It can be a loss, a relief, a pain, something
difficult, something satisfying... it's so many things on so many
aspects. Death itself is the ceasing of living existence...but it
brings with it a flood of emotions and thoughts that tag along.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 7 years old. It was my kitty. After that, my first human
experience with death happended in middle school. A friend who sat
in front of me in 2nd period committed suicide.
--That first time, how it happened was
I was about 7... and my first kitty died. I recieved the animal when
I was approximtely 6 and had bonded to it quite thouroughly.. he
was my first animal . He was the first thing that was mine and I
owned him...he slept with me, played with me, ect. I spent most
of my day with him. Shortly after my parents got divorced (about 2
weeks later)my kitty got sick and was diganosed with FIP. (Feline
Lukemis) and they took my Midnight kitty from me. It tore me apart
and I had crying fits for months.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My lack of response. I tend to think it was funny...and then when
no one's there...I start to think and I feel sorrow for the loss
of life... I did feel. I did cry. I did give a damn...but no one
in my family or friends can understand.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's not easy. People deal with things differently and go through
a range of phases/emotions. Laughter as a first response is not
meant as an insult..but as something that will lift the seriousness.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it helped me discover interests and ways of thinking different from
what the conformist structure wants me to think. It's freeing for
me....and helps me enjoy who I am.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
(I didn't have any support..everyone thinks I don't understand..or
care..but I do)
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
...knowing that it hurt someone. To someone that person was
everything...
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it's how I deal. I laugh at a lot of things. It feels good to
laugh..it makes it a little easier. Just because I laugh, doesn't
mean I don't understand....because I do... but it's the first
response for me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
write one more letter...and to say goodbye and merry christmas to
the body..without anyone critcizing me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I actually glanced at her.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
all the singing....and talk about "gods" kingdom
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I go to contact that person, only to remember that they're not
there anymore.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
...I don't know.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
...why do I have to be around so many people who won't understand
how i deal.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stop it all.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing..it caused more pain.
--Religious Affiliation:
nothing.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
My mother kept trying to distract me, by getting me a new kitty
and pretending midnight never existed.
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Mon Dec 27 22:25:17 1999
F45 in Stratham, NH =USA=
Name: Karen Bond
Email: <Bond-Clegg-at-mediaone.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Executive Assistant
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elizabeth Kubler Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Neice, 18 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 16.
--Details:
Dana, who wanted so much to live, succumbed to rhabdomyosarcoma after
a courageous 2 year battle. There was nothing this child wouldn't
try to beat this cancer. She wanted to make it to her 16th birthday
and she did, against all odds, and lived to be 16 and 5 days old.
But she fought for every last breath.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like going to another dimension where there is no fear, no illness,
nothing but love and light.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I didn't believe it. It was my mother and I kept expecting her
to rise out of the coffin. I couldn't even kiss her goodbye.
I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
--That first time, how it happened was
My mother died from leukemia. However, my younger brother and I
were considered "too young" to be told that she was dying. We were
told she'd be home soon.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Dana's courage. We almost lost her six weeks before she actually
passed but miraculously she survived surgery to drain her lungs.
Although the medical staff did not expect her to make it through the
night, she did and we took her home the next day. We have promised
her she would not die in the hospital. Dana, for one so young,
was so wise. After she survived the 24-hour point after surgery,
she called the doctor to ask him when it was going to happen because
she was rushing her goodbyes! People would come to see her, enter
crying, and leave with a smile on their face and a sense of wonder
because Dana was comforting them! She had the most beautiful smile
and sense of love about her.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to deal with it. People tend to not know what to say when you've
lost someone. I've learned after losing my mother, two brothers,
my best friend and my beloved niece that the best thing is just hug
someone! You don't need to say anything if you're uncomfortable.
Just hug them.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the love I shared with those people I have lost. The memories
we shared. It makes me a kinder person (I think) and I try to
let the people who are still here know that I love them as often
as possible. I try to be more understanding of those around me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my psychiatrist. After losing my younger brother, I, myself, became
suicidal. Professional help was the best thing I did for my self.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to hug them any more. Did they know how much I
love them? Do they now? Not being able to pick up the phone and
share something with them. I have to remind myself that they are
gone but I talk to them anyway.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
their wishes are what count. Not yours.
--[My Neice's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
can love again. I didn't believe I was capable of loving another
young lady as I did my niece but my new granddaughter has taught
me otherwise. I feel like she is a gift from Dana - that little
girl that I can hug.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Dana had to struggle so much to breath and she was scared.
She didn't want to die but knew her body was too ravaged by the
cancer that she could not live. She kept expecting a miracle.
We all did.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
not applicable.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye to my mother, my brothers and my best friend. I had the
opportunity with Dana to say everything that was in my heart but
Dana's death was exceptional. My mom, brothers and best friend -
I never had the opportunity for closure.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell Dana, my niece, that she was the daughter of my heart.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear certain songs. For some reason, those deaths closest to me
are associated with music. My mothers - "All the Lonely People"
- it was playing on the radio when my father came to tell me that
Mom has died. My younger brother - "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
"forever's going to start tonight" - my sister-in-law had called me
about 1:00 am looking for my brother and that song just popped into
my head. My niece - "My Heart Will Go On," she so loved the movie,
"The Titanic." I still cry when I hear any of these songs.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If my mom had not died, my entire life would have been different.
My younger brother and I would not have been sent off to live with
relatives who didn't really want us - Danny would not have committed
suicide, Billy, my middle brother, would be alive because he would
have been better taken care of. My whole life would be different.
I don't believe I would have my particular son, and consequently,
my particular granddaughter. I don't think Danny would have married
so young, so there would have been no Dana. The whole chain of
events in my life would not have happened.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that there are families which have not known death. My co-worker
(45, same age as myself), never experience death until her
92-year-old grandmother passed away three years ago. I, on the other
hand, have lost way too many people from my life through death.
Not that I wish it on other people, but why do some families
experience so much death and others not at all?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to them, lose the overwhelming sense of loss, know that they
are all right and that I am all right.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried my eyes out - for my loss, for my sister's loss, for the loss
of Dana's future.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they need to know how the cope with death better. The patient's
wishes need to be foremost. If they want to die at home, don't
fight them. Help them.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
We did not use Hospice. My niece did not want any strangers in the
house (too modest even then!) Her mother learned everything she
needed to take care of Dana and when it got too much, my sister,
who is a nurse, took a leave of absence and we rotated shifts so
that one of us three were with Dana at all times. Hospice was not
happy with us (we usurped their role) but it was want Dana wanted -
her family, not strangers.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing. Dana's uncle and godfather is a PRIEST and he did not
even visit in the last year of Dana's life because he disagreed
with the way Dana's mom was handling the situation. When it came
down to the home stretch, he showed up at the hospital the day of
her lung surgery and she refused to see him.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptised Methodist but no current affiliation. There is a higher
force but how dare man try to put it into his context!
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
universal. It's in everyone, everything and everywhere.
--Regarding MONEY:
medial insurance. In Dana's case, her mom was constantly fighting
to get coverage for "experimental" treatments. Once the Dana
Farber center gave up on Dana, the insurance company did not want
to cover any other type of treatment. We were fortunate enough to
get Dana into the NIH, which, we believe, gave her another year of
life with us.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the hypocrites. People who could not bother to visit, call or send
a card were crying about THEIR loss! On the other hand, the funeral
home was wonderful (they've done enough of our family!). We wanted
something totally different and we took over the funeral home.
Dana was cremated and placed in a lovely brass vase with dolphins
on it. She had wanted to be a marine biologist. We put her life's
pictures around the entire home and ran a video in a separate room of
her life. The people loved it. It was a celebration of her life -
as was her memorial service. She would have been proud!
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the unreality - the loss of the sense of time.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
just being there. If the patient is unable to speak, talk to
them anyway. Read to them. Hold their hand. Let them know that
they are loved. Don't shy away from them.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I still find myself (although not as often) angry with my mother even
though I know it was not her choice to leave us. However, one of
the best things she ever did for me while she was alive was incribed
my 9th birthday present (I wanted a Bible more than anything) with
"When you read this, dear, remember Mommy loves you." I find myself
passing that inscription on to those I give books to whom I love.
My brother, Danny, I wish I had been more "there" for him - I
feel like I was too wrapped up in my own life to help him through
his. My brother, Billy, again, I wish I had been there for him more
than I was. My best friend, Nancy, I never got to say goodbye.
Did she know how much she meant to me? Did she really know how
much I loved her and what an important part of my life she was?
Consequently, I have "abandonment" issues and "survivor" guilt.
I work through them as much as I can by myself, reading, self-study,
and, of course, therapy - though not as often.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
My mother - that I love her and appreciate everything she did - the
example she set for me - but does she forgive me for not visiting
and for some of the things I have done that I know she would not
approve of. Danny, my brother, was there something I could have
done to change your mind? Billy, my brother, do you forgive me
for not paying enough attention to you? Nancy, my best friend,
I am so sorry we didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Your family
didn't tell me you were in the hospital but I should have kept
closer tabs on you. I love you and miss you so much!
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
(1) My brother, Danny. At his burial, it was a beautiful September
day and no clouds in the sky. However, as the pastor say his
last prayers, it started raining - only over Danny's gravesight.
My sister and I just looked at each other and said the angels were
weeping. Again, with Danny, I was having such a hard time letting
go, he sent me a dream that scared me into letting go. Another time,
as I was driving, not paying close-enough attention, I felt a slap
across my face (I was the only one in the car). I slammed on my
brakes and just missed a rear-end collision with the car in front
of me. (2) My brother Billy appears in my dreams and get very
frustrated when I can't understand what he's trying to tell me.
When telling Dana about this, she promised that she would speak
clearly, and . . . (3) A few days after Dana passed away, I fell
asleep on my couch and started to get cold. Dana walked out of my
guest room with an afghan and covered me up and just gave me that
smile of hers - but she did not speak. (4) A month or two after
Dana died, she had promised she would let us know by thunder and
lighting when she was around. About 4:00 a.m. we had the biggest,
loudest thunderstom and lighting show in our back yard that I have
ever witnessed. I am convinced it was Dana! (5) Purple was Dana's
favorite color. The blue water in my weather globe keeps changing
to purple regarding of how much coloring I put in it. At her mom's
house, all the lamp oils turned purple. (6) Dana loved to play
Scrabble with me. Her last birthday present to me was the computer
version of Scrabble. I am addicted to this game. However, it was
not until after she died that the computer started coming up with
"Auntie" or "niece" or some other "code" word that let's me know
she's still playing with me. (7) Dana's mom had designed this
beautiful Web page as a memorial to Dana. Whenever Darlene works on
it, there is a particular music box in the room that starts to play
"You Are My Sunshine" - which Darlene always sang to Dana.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have a Living Will and a Last Will and Testament. I do not want
to be a burden to my family. When it's my time, I just want my
family to be okay.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope that I would accept it gracefully. However, I would
definitely clean house, so to speak, so my family would not have
to go through my personal belongings (I tend to save everything!)
I think my biggest concern would be for my son and granddaughter.
I don't know that my son would be able to handle my death and I
want my granddaughter to know how very much she means to me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I just talk to them and pray for them. As far as I am concerned,
they are in another dimension and I still have conversations
(although mostly one-sided) with them. They are not gone as long
as I keep them in my heart.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
See above.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
My mother taught me to believe in God, not religion.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
Guilt because I did not visit her in the hospital the last month
or so before her death. Guilt because I once, when much younger,
told her I hated her.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just being there - even after the funeral. Not only the next day,
but the next week and the week after. Talking freely and openly
about the loss.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Okay. I hope my answers will be helpful.
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Mon Dec 27 13:15:06 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo search engine for "bardo"
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tao te ching
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: oldage and Alzheimer's; Aged: 94.
--Details:
My gran died a long time before her body stopped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
is both a state and a process. To a dead/dying individual it
will be when they can no longer interact with others of their
kind. Interaction is always a matter of degree, but we humans have
some general criteria for live-contrasted-with-death. For example,
lack of brain function, no heart beat or respiration, typically
indicate the individual died, especially if these situations are
irreversible.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was stunned and profoundly saddened. I was also infinitely happy that
I did not die, too. The latter feeling seemed like betrayal of the
person who died. I later learned that it is a fairly normal reaction.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was I was driving a car that went over a cliff and
the girl riding with me was thrown out and killed. She died just
as I reached her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
relief that gran's body caught up with her mind and that we, the
family, could get on with life.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is no joke, children should be exposed to death and dying as part
of reality and not sheltered, and TV/movies should stop showing it
as entertainment.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I am still alive.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
5+ years therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder resulting from
military and subsequent government work.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the feelings of the living, especially the grief of my mother who
was at the time an alcoholic. For me, gran's death was the first
non-violent death I'd known in 30 years.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I was not there when she died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughter is what sane people do as an alternative to weeping.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell gran I loved her and have one last conversation.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see news reels of Vietnam or read about old intelligence operations
now declassified, or see the flag raised.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I can't imagine a different reality.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It's not fair. It's just the way it is.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
and some day, I may.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
have been mourning ever since in one way or another for 35+ years.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
doctors and nurses and hospice workers are wonderful people. They
try, win or lose, but they try.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing to me.
--Religious Affiliation:
none. I'm sort of a home made Taoist or animist, but that is as
subtle as I can get on the subject.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right. We all die pretty much the same way. Death is another one
of life's basics.
--Regarding MONEY:
we handled it all before hand. There was no problem.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
For heaven's sake make arrangements BEFORE you die to have the body
disposed as you wish.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
depends on what's causing the death, the pace of dying radically
changes the observables or they go by so fast you may not see them
all: gunshots do it differently from cancer.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
in life we are in death. After that, you are on your own.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I've had several near-death (out of the body) type experiences. They
don't give me any comfort, they were just what happened at the time.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I've seen one or two ghosts of people I knew, I think. Made the
hair stand up on my head, pretty weird.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My wife and I made out legal documents to manage some of this.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think about it daily. I have met death and we are friends. I have
brought death to save my life and that of my friends and to serve my
country. Someday death will take me. I hope it doesn't hurt too much.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I sometimes toast to 'absent friends'.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I think I changed significantly from the 19 year old I used to be,
but so much else besides death went on that it I am unable to say
what caused what.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I am always made more attached to life by each death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
I don't deal with Death. Death keeps its own adgenda. We speak,
but rarely.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
Fear of the process of dying. The death's I've seen have been
violent or illness sinking into decay.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This is the first one of these I've ever seen. It stirs up some
things, but not seriously. I wish you well.
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Sun Dec 26 17:10:53 1999
F59 in Lafayette, Indiana =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: downsized-looking for job
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More personal info:
I have a masters in gerontology and would be interested in the
results of this survey if you publish them
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 79.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
final - no going back to the life you had
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...Adistant relative was murdered
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
although she knew she was dying for months, never once took the
opportunity to say thank you for your caring, I love you, or I am
proud of you. Never got a last confirmation of my worth
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to talk with the dying about their feelings
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
having my sister to talk with - she also experienced no gratitude
for all she had done
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
watching the physical deteriortion progressing
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
realize they may prefer friends over family
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
cared, loved and appreciated my children
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
getting differing opinions regarding trreatment, prognosis etc
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to gather more family history
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
make the decisions regarding hospitalization and treatment during
final days with no guilt or indecision
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
She did not ask for her daughters in her final days - she prefered
the company of friends
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think of the opportunities she missed to really bond with her
family, I feel sorry for both her and her children
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
things would not be any different although I would still wish them
to be
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that anyone is forced to hang on for months and months when they
don't want to
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt really sad that the acceptance and love I wanted would never be
forthcoming - she put her desires before the needs of her children
her whole life and died that way
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the need for assisted suicide for the terminally ill
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
The staff was extremely nice and went out of their way to be of
assistance
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not much - I am religious but not in a "church" way
--Religious Affiliation:
I have attended Methodist, Presbyterian and Friends Churchs. Not
a member of any church now
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
confusing
--Regarding MONEY:
not important - funeral was prepaid years ago
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the beautiful service performed by the hospice chaplain who did
not even know my mother
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
withdrawl from activities, interests, inability to manage any aspect
of independent living
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My mother had this - she'd point at ceiling and smile. Tho barely
responsive when I asked if she saw someone she would say yes. When
asked if she was seeing an old boyfriend, she had a big smile
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The is no resolution. However, my children will never doubt my
love or pride in them
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My mother told one person one thing and another something else. It
was difficult to access her last wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Lots of thought - My mother was the last one of her siblings. My
sister and I are now the generation expected to die. Unless quite
physically ill, I will fight death for a long time. However, I am
in the process of getting all my paperwork in order to make things
easier for my children
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My sister and I were never close but became friends in the 2 years
of decisin =making, 1000 mile every other month trips and making
her last months as good as possible from a long distance
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I received all the support I needed. I have been in social work
for years and have worked in nursing homes. I've always tried to
be supportive of the dying and their families
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Interesting questions which required some thought. Didn't really
have time to go in depth or answer all the questions
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Sun Dec 26 08:19:08 1999
F76 in Susquehanna, Pennsylvania Farm country =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Retired, Hommaker-writer
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More personal info:
Since I have retired, I have honed my writing in to try to get more
women involved in local politics. Have had some success.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 25 ago.
Cause of Death: heart+ no one told us; Aged: 6.
--Details:
Had been a semi-invalid for years. One morning my Aunt came for
an extended visit. She sat up in bed and said"I can't deal with
this any longer." Laid down and died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Going to sleep and not waking up. Or, you are just like a tree,
you are here and then you are gone.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was completely unaware how terrible it could be if it was a small
child.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was fourteen my brother sixteen, I was
awakened to take care of my three year old sister because my brother
was going to the hospital, he had been delerious with fever.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
When my mother died, I could not swallow food for a long time.
I would often start to write her a letter or pick up the phone to
call her.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I am of Irish descent. After someome dies, there is no sadness,
unless it is a child. We really do party. Anyone who is very sick,
if they are Irish will say, Don't send flowers, save the money
for the party. We cry when your'e born and laugh when you die,
because then your troubles are over.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It does bring the families together. But they still fight.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Trying to keep my health and my life as normal as possible to help
the children and relatives. This is the one time in my life I
would go out of my way to help.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Of course it is the guilt. Should have done more. Why didn't
someone think to make arrangements for stuff, like babysitters,
money etc.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Has not happened yet, but is immenent
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
You are truly alone. Itis like the only one you are really afraid
of who you know won't hurt you, your mother, is gone, really gone.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Knew absolutely nothing about what to do or how to behave.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
We did laugh. The Irish laugh. We were not ashamed to laugh.
Still do. It has to be in your genes. Some are much to serious.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I choose not to reflect on it.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
not disgrace myself and make sure everything was done in a dignified
manner.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
In the casket, people are dressed so much better than they were in
real life. There was an argument as to whether they should wear
their glasses. When they did not. It looked strange
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The flowers. The waste of money on flower.s
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Tears come to my eyes for no apparent reason, but they seem to dry
up just as fast. After the initial shock of course.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Not much would change. My mother would still die. My little nephew,
I might see on holidays. My brother--maybe we would be close,
I doubt it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
For an infant to die. For a good person to die. For someone
to die because there wasn't medicine available that could have
saved them. When my brother died from Strep Throat, peniccilan
had just been discovered and was only available in small quantities.
Pres. Roosevelt's son did get some, my brother did not. We lived
in coal country.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
find every little single thing that was involved in their death.
What should have been done. What should I have done? What could
anyone have done. Was enough done?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
A year old nephew was killed in a automobile accident, his mother was
driving and she blamed herself. It was not her fault. Worst thing
I ever went through. The casket was so tiny.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I think I would have like to know what was coming. I would have
liked more explanations so I could anticipate any mistakes and make
better plans for the families.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I have only hearsay. Absolutely wonderful. Takes a load off
our shoulders. Like having someone there who is knowledgeable
and in control. Sometimes, I just throw my hands up in the air.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Well, we're Catholics. I don't think it means anything. I don't
think it helps anything. If you aren't religious before you get
sick, I don't think you will be when facing death.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
As you get older, you know it is imminent. I don't want my
children to mourn. I think your Spirit is your Ego. So you live,
so shall you die. Why the funerals, the ceremonies, the priests.
Everyone that I know, worries about what it is going to cost.
There are no spirits. It is just a way to make things easier for
people to deal with death.
--Regarding MONEY:
It is a big part. No matter what anyone says, it is all about money.
Dealing with a Funeral Director is so cold. Many cannot handle this.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Is it ever going to end. Havn't we been through enough? Get weary
of dealing and talking to people you havn't seen in years and you
know you will never see again. The Irish were smart about this.
They hired "keeners" to cry.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Everyone dressed up in the funeral home trying to be polite to
people you would not talk to in other circumstancs.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Lack of interest in anything, mail, bills, holidays. Not wanting
to do anything to help themselves. Like moving around. Getting
quieter and quieter. Realizing that nothing much matters anymore.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Just be quiet and listen to them. It is hard
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I think they are just dreaming. At one time I believed this.
They want to think they are going into something wonderful after
all the misery in this life. It helps them.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I would have done more to see them. The Guilt is always there.
In women it is born in them. Some things are out of your control,
physically impossible. Then it is always the question of money.
When someone is sick a long time, it is a relief when they die.
Why can't people see this.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'm doing the best I can. Don't yell at me. It would help me.
They would laugh, I know.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have had absolutely no contact with someone who has died.
I often remember things they said to me that I thought were stupid
at the time and now I see they were wise.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Who to give your stuff to. How you want your funeral carried out.
This alone would ease things. What you want to wear. Who you
don't want to come . If you have pets?
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
At this time, I would like to do it alone and have no one watch me.
I would not like to bother anyone. I would like someone to tell
me it is imminent so I could take care of some details to make it
easier for them. I would like to be remembered as fun person who
never aggravated anyone.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I do not think people need closure. In their own minds, they know,
they know. They have to deal with it themselves. They should
not be distracted from outside influenes. If they want something,
they should ask and it should be done. It is not about us, it is
about them.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have become worse. I don't care about rituals and will not talk
to others about my own obseravations. It is a personal thing.
Almost a secret.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No. But I have seen spoiled children grow up and take charge.
Whatever you are death brings it out. The pains-in the necks, will
always be pains in the neck. Some will rise to the occassion and
take responsibilty when it is forced on them.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
Now, I cry and cry and then the grief just seems to taper off
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
Everything seemed to be secret, no one talked about it
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It is hard not to be flip about some answers. It is important
to know that people did not suffer at the end, even if they did.
This is a good place to lie.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Somewhere somehow wouldn't you like a stone, not so much in a
cemetary to show where you walk on this earth, were part of it.
For good or bad. just a name and a date would be nice.
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Sat Dec 25 02:05:00 1999
M16 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania =United States=
Name: Pete
Email: <MaynardJHK-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
Prof/Studies: High School Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: 'surgical complications'??; Aged: 69.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...grandfather died unexpectedly from surgical
complications
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
realizing truly that i would no longer EVER be able to see him;
this was the first time that i could ever remember someone close
to me dying
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
music....the band Tool
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
sitting through the funeral and being approached by all of these
people whom i did not know....they had seemingly just i dont
know....sort of just came out from the woodwork to say they knew
him and they tried to console me but i know that they really did
not mean much of it for they didnt know him
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to him again
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I returned home from the movies with one of my very close friends
and my mother and sister were both crying and they informed me....i
just listend and remained stoic until my friend left, then i isolated
myself and broke down and cried
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
very little or nothing to me
--Religious Affiliation:
extremely little to none...i do not believe in and never have been
brought up to believe in any organized religion
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how it was so extremely personal for me (and my immediate family)
and how i did not understand the others there who were simply
feigning sorrow since they truly did not know him
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i totalled my car nearly a year after his death....i was unhurt,
but i realized that i very well could have died that night had i
not had my seatbelt on and i was extremely lucky
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i have thought about what it would be like to look at my own funeral,
like from another POV, to see myself lying in the coffin and hear
myself being eulogized...i dont know its a weird thought
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
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Wed Dec 22 23:06:45 1999
F50 in Chicago, Il =Cook=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Sales
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Many Lives Many Masters
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Brian L. Weiss M.D.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 25.
--Details:
No history of depression A very happy handsome popular lots of
activities and freinds lived on his own for 6 months 1 1/2 weeks
prior was fired off his job He was impulsive reactive with an
alcoholic father 2 grandfathers and 1 grandmother Went out with a
group of people designated driver called his mom when she dropped
him off he was telling her what a bad person he was and was clearly
indicateing suicidal thoughts and he was clearly intoxicated. He
locked himself in his apartment and completed suicide.His mother
responded with the police and fire department Gained entry into
the apartment within 2 hrs. The police entered and found him
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our physical presence and the seperation of our essence
or soul to return to our maker or God
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Beleived it was the end of someone forever the persons body just
wore out
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...death of grandfather
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not breathing complete disbeliefe I did not take a real breath for
weeks my very first reaction vomitting shocky no recolection of
people around me
--What I think my (Cook) culture needs to better learn about death is:
You don't have to use a funeral home, viewing the body is not a
good idea it's better to keep it spiritual and continue to have a
spiritual relationship with the person who has passed It is easier
to do without our barbaric customs. That in reality is just another
business that preys on your inability to think. The person remains
in your heart mind and lips that is eternity What you learned
from the person and shared in life togeather never leaves you that
is immortality
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
You can learn to accept the unacceptable and become changed in many
character related issues I now know how fragile life and people
can be it makes you kinder more sincere and more compassionate the
monitary things of this world are not all that valuable
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I took 2 months off of work and mostly isolated visited with a
pyschiatrist twice a week and read books that the psychiatrist
reccomended and only socialized with my 4 cats I only spoke to
people I really liked which ended up to be 4 people and not all
that frequently.I did not venture out into the world except for 4
solo trips to visit the lions and tigers at the zoo
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
shock and abandonment fellings the very difficult reality that I
will never see or here my son again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
He was alone when he complted suicide
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Didn't ever have to see my son in a state of death to accept his
death and I never had any anger at him for ending his own life I
accepted his free will even though this has hurt me deeply.Every time
I saw my son and it was daily either on the phone or in person my
last words to him no matter what our conersation was about "I love
you baby boy" His respone "I love you to mom" or "I love you back"
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I couldn't breathe or move when time stopped. Everything went into
a non reality like slow motion and echoing voices. the incredible
shock and disbelief When the police entered the apartment and
told me he wasnt in the apartment come on in and then suddenly an
officer came up behind me and asked me to step in the hall outside
the apartment and told me he was in the apartment. At that moment
ny life changed forever and I realized my gratest fear was at hand.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I had no desire to laugh it's still hard to realize that people
around me can laugh when I'm so sad
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I really took care of the arrangements the way I wanted it done.My
son knew because I told him every time we talked on the phone or
saw each other that I loved him. Aside from being able to interrupt
his suicide that is the only thing I wish I could change.I wish
his designated driver was smarter and never taken him home to be
alone after he spoke of suicide I wish I could have known so I
could respond.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Get thru the funeral mass without disintigrating I was actually in
a very peaceful state.2 days after my sons death I closed my eyes
to try to rest alittle before the funeral service the following
morning. I had not rested since the news of my sons death. I must
have fallen asleep for about an hour and I had the strangest dream. I
dreamt my son was standing in front of me and he was dressed in a new
jacket and pants he had bought shortly before he died he was happy
he looked great and he told me he was waiting and waiting for days
to tell me he was ok and this was not so bad. He said he was happy
and felt fine and not to worry about him.He said he was hopeing I
would have gone to sleep sooner so he could let me know he was ok.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
sorry no revealation
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
You don't have to know how or why a person compltes suicide to
accept a death
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I will never not cry the world can trigger your need to cry forever
over the loss of a child It will never become a none feeling issue
The reminders are in you by virtue of raising a child for 25 years
I accept and know I will never get over it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think it would be a world of acceptance and unconditional love
Most of this world is about very unimportant details I think only
love and acceptance abide
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
There is no fair My son made this decision It didn't have anything
to do with me.My love and prayers go on
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Bring him back
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Was in complete shock for 2 weeks I was unable to sleep or eat for
days. I felt like this was a terrible dream.Denial
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
No medical Services were required
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no hospice expereienced
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
The rocket to heaven
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
All accepting death is the same no matter what fait I don't know
how people without faith survive close losses
--Regarding MONEY:
It was a none issue I just paid
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I greeted everyone at the church doors thanked them for attending
and kept my contact brief but attentive. Long conversations were
not possible for me at this time I didn't have the strength for it
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The death my son was suppose to bury me not this way
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
no signs for me
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
this death gave no notice
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
no knowledge of this my death experience was sudden
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no near death experience for me
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have resolved all issues
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I just want to know he is in peace and is happy and free from the
burdons of life
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My son came to me in a dream looking healthy happy and at peace he
told me he was waiting for me for days to fall asleep so he could
tell me he was ok and this was a good place he was happy and he
would come again but it would be a while
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Make a will and decide how you want to be memorialized decide on
extensive efforts to keep you alive or not organ donation or not
what type of service if any
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have no fear the method of death does not matter
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
there is no closure for a parent just daily wondering and loveing
thoughts
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am more careful with people I let alot of stuff go
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no I isolated to heal and trust my therapist to help me carry
this load
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
a phsychiatrist
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
state of shock
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
only reaching was to a proffesional therapist
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
pretty long keying is not a gift i posess
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
The questions were easily understood. I wonder why your doing
a survey?
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Tue Dec 21 00:41:50 1999
F21 in Adelaide, SA =Australia=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 72.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the stage in which your current physical vessel is of no use to
you anymore, so you move on...very similar to to an old car that
breaks down so U get one that does work
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was upset. Cried. Typical response
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a pet that I had had since I was born died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
thinking he is not around anymore, we won't see him again
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not the end, nor is it a big test or judgement where
you will see if U go to heaven or hell...too much judgement
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it pulls a family unit even closer together..a common bond and an
opportunity to understand how others are feeling
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
that I understood that everyone had a lesson to learn from his
death and that no experience in life (or the transition from one
life to the next) is wasted
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the funeral
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
know who he really was better than I did
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
but logically knowing that it was fair and that it is not the death
that is sad but that U don't see the person anymore
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
we weren't supposed to be able to cure him...it was his destiny
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not much to me..to some of my family, thinking that he was with
god was probably comforting
--Religious Affiliation:
Present Wiccan Past Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
our different beliefs are just different paths to to the same
destination. it is presented to us in ways which will serve as
providing us with life lessons
--Regarding MONEY:
there was no money ha ha
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was humorous which was good
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
to my knowledge he did not have one
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
if you have unresolved issues U can be sure that U will encounter
the same soul in your future lives until you get them resolved
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
a friend of mine has had an abortion and the spirit of her baby is
still with her also her grandfather is around her occasionally
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
an individual has the right to do as they will to themselves as
long as they don't hurt anyone. U would hope that people could at
least do what the dying would like..it is after all their death
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope people realize that its temporary and I also hope that I
have finished the lessons of this life I would also hope that I
take no bad kharma with me
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
crying is always handy
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
the 'normal' beliefs on death clash with mine..my beliefs were
considered wrong or insensitive
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i don't reach out
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Mon Dec 20 12:27:26 1999
M30 in Berkeley, California =USA=
Name: Patrick
Email: <patchew-at-uclink4.berkeley.edu>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
yahoo search on "bardo"
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Prof/Studies: university work
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 72.
--Details:
after protracted illness and deterioration, my Father passed on after
much physical suffering, while convalescing at home. He passed on
with most of the clan present.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a part of Life.. in a natural unaffected state when the physical
body can no longer fucntion properly and Life can no longer be
sustained. Sometimes, there are other factors which can induce the
loss of Life, whether it be premature or not; such as illness,
injury, etc. It is considered to be an importatn part of Life,
in that it signifies a completion . Many have religious or
philosophical beliefs surrounding Death and what happens to the
one who has just passed on - whether a soul or spirit transcends
to a heaven or descends to a hell or transmigrates elsewhere. Some
believe there is nothing afterwards; that Death is merely a cessation
of bodily functions.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very emotionally moved. Sadness was a large part of my mental
state in that I would miss the presence and interaction of that
person. The thought of not being able to continue any relationship
or interaction in a living sense allowed for a sense of loss
of sorts.. and it saddened me as well that that person would be
unable to continue enjoying that which he/she found to be enjoyable
while living.
--That first time, how it happened was
My sister passed on when I was a yougn child. It really didn't hit
me as to her death being death. The more significant death would
be my paternal grandmother's death while I was in 2d grade... hit
me very hard. Our whole clan was gathered...
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the events leading up to it. How my Father had known the night before
of his imminent passing, as he bequeathed various items to me... that
the next morning, there was already a significant drop in competence
adn coherence. Seeing the deterioration take place hits hardest,
while thinking on the discover of his passing was negligible.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to not be afraid of it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that those who have passed on are no longer physically suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
trying to get on with Life... the regularity of routine and social
interactions helped remove an excess of obsession on the subject
and allowed for a gradual release.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
letting go.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
that when one dies, as a living being, the cessation of life is a
fearful thing, such that to be able to be there and allow another
to not feel alone as the death approaches allows for being able
to share and support that person as much as humanly possible. when
people are in comas, we are told that they can hear us talking to
them and offering comfort and support... it would be no different
in death as well.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realized that no matter the personal anguish and loss, it is to be
able to give something to another - that last comfort and support -
that is important.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
while sad.. Death isn't necessarily a sad thing. We should celebrate
life as much as mourn a passing... how many of us really want the
folk who remain to be sad..? should we not hope that they be able
to be happy for us..?
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to be there more for others... to express more the love had.. to
be more appreciative and understanding.. to be more compassionate.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think on the pain and suffering undergone...
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
... unknown...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
... for some, I feel it's not fair that they have to leave so
soon.. that they have to suffer.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
not have to worry about so many things...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
had to sit down and recall the good/bad times had.. to review the
memories, to realize that no new memories would be added... that
I would have to say my final living farewells...
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
why the heck couldn't you find three of the four bypasses when you
yourselves put them there???
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
that there was so much to learn..
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing...
--Religious Affiliation:
syncretic - Buddhist, shamanist, Taoist, Confucian...
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that this is true.. that we all are born, we all will die.. no
matter how we experience it all, we *will* undergo it all.
--Regarding MONEY:
we are lucky to know the people we do...
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that we are all interconnected and relationships are important in
our lives...
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
watch the eyes...
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
try and get as much out when you can... don't force it though... for
some it comes early, for others it is a long and waiting process..
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I do not know... our family has had contacts with the spirit world
before, but I do not know what transpired the last few moments.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no big issues...
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
sine the spirits live on with us, I don't find that there is much
more to be said extra, other than it would be nice to get the inside
scoop from a spirit...
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
only in dreams. often times, it makes me wonder if my own mind
is actually playing tricks on me to forgive myself or to let go
or whatnot.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
that while the wishes of the dying party need to be addressed
in order to appease the spirit, one must remember that the funeral
process is also a mechanism for grieving..
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
that i'd hope i'll've been able to take care of all of my affairs
such that others will not have to clean up after me...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
nothing in particular other than following traditional customs...
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
my life has been severly altered by this passing.. i am unable to
continue my life as i had been, but am continuing as best i can.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
not quite.. none so serendipitous.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
the realization that life goes on, that it's all a natural part of
life.. even when possibly premature.
missing the one that passed on.. which has become easier...
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Sun Dec 19 20:12:06 1999
F18 in Beaverton, OR =USA=
Name: Laura Gandrud
Email: <gandrula-at-plu.edu>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Student, Nursing
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More personal info:
I wish it to be posted and have a personal responce =)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 47.
--Details:
He was in the hospital for eight weeks before he died. Me and my
sister were able to spend those weeks with him in the ICU, to say
goodbye and provide support
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the loss of a human physical shell. Where the physical body dies
but the spirit goes on.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not fully understand. I think that I denied what had happened
since my grandmother was far away and I did not visit her as her
cancer took over her body.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I found out three weeks after my grandmothers
death from colon cancer. My father went to the funeral without
telling me or my sister what had happened. We found out by
conversation with other relatives, I did not know until my mid-teens
what kind or other details of her illness
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the feeling of despair. I was in denial that he was just on vacation
or not close by. I felt like I was the only kid whose parent had
died until I went to the Dougy Center.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that the pain does not go away after a certain period of time.
That in one year or two the grief is over.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
being able to say goodbye to my father and step-sister, to add
closure to our relationships and learn how important people are to
me and how I should verbalize my feelings towards them.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my sister. The rest of my family were in complete denial or drinking.
My sister was the only other person that knew the people that died.
Without her I do not know what I would have done.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
accepting it. Being able to move on and not just think that I do
not see them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to listen, to rememer those that are important to them not letting
personal biases to come between you and them.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am trying to add closure to our relationship. I know that he was
proud of me and that I was proud of him. I have felt immense guilt
about not telling him enough that I loved him and was proud of him.
In the weeks that he was in the ICU I continued to tell him about
how I loved him. Even though I am reminded of him I continue to
remember and pray.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
other people were trying to relate to ,my experience. I was trying
to rate our experiences how mine was worse than theirs, which is
not the right way because grief can be different for every person
and it is not a thing to be judged or rated.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my father how proud of him I was of him. THat he had
accomplished so much and was working so hard. I did not tell him
enough how much I loved him and was proud of him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
stick by my father while he was in the ICU, I did not expect myself
to be there everyday talking to him when he was in such a condition
and there was little hope about his rehabilitation.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
friends just gave me a card saying that they were there if I wanted
to talk.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
giving food to our family. We were not in the mood to eat.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I watch a movie or TV show and the people lose a parent, I hav
flashbacks about my experience. I also get teary-eyed when I see
someone who looks like my father and is smoking or drinking coffee
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I often dreamt about him attending my high-school graduation and
my wedding. I had built a dream of him being there smiling and
walking me down the aile or being so proud as I graduated. If he
was still around I would have contact, learn all of his storied of
childhood, learn to understand those years that we lost. I would
spend that time getting to know him doing projects and laughing.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I was confused why my father died right when he was getting his life
back together. My sister and I were becoming close to him again
(had been divorced for 10 years) and he was going back to school.
Everything was in place and he was happy, but within 6 months he
died, why I did not try to biuld a relationship earlier?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back and be with him like in old home movies. Tell him face to
face that I love him and am proud of him. I want to have another
Christmas together.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support and understanding of afterlife. That their lives would be
better after they died
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
other family members escaped their feelings by telling us how much
we owed them and not face their grief
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I was numb in the begining just going through daily processes and
ws being there for the other person. After the realization hit
I needed to talk. There were times of anger and denial, but no
specified order
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my father kept on saying I want to go home and he was not talking
about his house.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have held many issues dealing with my fathers alcoholism and
my childhood. By going to AlAnon meeting and the Dougy Center I
sould be able to share these feelings and write letter to my father,
and pray to help me with these issues. I have also not disposed
of his remains because i am not ready to let go yet.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have had a single dream where my father and I were walking along in
flowing hills. We were talking about issues that were not finished.
He told me how much he appreciated us being there and we talked
about how much we loved one another. I remember a complete sense
of serinity and calmness about it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I try to tell those that I love that I love them. I know that God
has a plan for me and that he will take me home when it is time.
I live for the day not knowing if I will be blessed with another.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I would go to a favorite park that I had since my father and I
shared many memories in the wilderness. I would sit there and
think and sometimes journal. I could tell when I needed to just
grieve and cry. Being there and watching a sunset would bring a
sense of peace. I also worried about forgetting him so writing
down memories and writing letters to him helped me cope/
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
The concept was still vegue, but my mother tried to explain it to me
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I started volunteering at a Childrens Hospital where I realize
how much I have. I also see the hope and love in the world.
Giving support and just being a friend to those in need realy helped
me close issues and helped me grieve.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was very usefull being able to verbalize my experieces knowing
that there are others out there right now that have gone through
the same thing.
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Sun Dec 19 17:53:15 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, yrs11 ago.
Cause of Death: heart attach in the cold outside of winter trying to shovel the
drive; Aged: not sure.
--Details:
i miss him and near the end because of my parents divorce i never
seen him much , and i never got to tell him that i loved him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
very dark sometimes soothing part of everyday life. you never know
when it will happen
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
freaked out
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was my grandfather
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
well it dont' effect me now
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how not not put all over the TV.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
they won't have to suffer anymore
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
to be by myself
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling all alone
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
you don't get a chance to say good bye
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
i can't really remember how or if i really ever dealt with it
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
pushing it deep down inside
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Sun Dec 19 08:43:39 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 5 months ago.
Cause of Death: numerous things; Aged: 66.
--Details:
It was my best friend's father. He had Parkinson's disease and was
the kind of person who refused help and refused to admit he was sick.
One day he woke up and he couldn't move... he went to the doctor's
and was fine a few days later. Then suddenly that night he had an
attack and was rushed to hospital. In the hospital he almost died
twice, became delirious - unaware of where he was or who he was
and eventually fell into a coma. I think in the end they decided
it was a kidney infection, but basically all his organs shut down
one by one.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
finding something beautiful that you want to keep forever close to
you and then losing it, knowing you will never be able to look at
it again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was incredibly confused - I don't think I quite understood
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my godmother was diagnosed with breast
cancer and skin cancer. We were incredibly close - I would spend
almost every weekend with her and she spoilt me rotten. However,
when she got sick, she changed, she didn't want me to know, and made
my parents promise not to tell me. Eventually, when she was moved
into a hospice, my mother told me. I never got to say goodbye,
and she never had a memorial service or a funeral. But for some
reason, because it was such a shock, and most probably because I was
quite young, I dealt with it incredibly well. However it is now,
later in life that I really miss her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the complete shock of it all... how someone could be so seemingly
healthy one minute and so incredibly sick the next.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is inevitable and unavoidable.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my renewed love and appreciation for my life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mother and my friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing I could never speak or laugh with them again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
talk to them even if you're not sure they can hear you... because
they can. Let them say goodbye, and make sure you do.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
said goodbye to her in my mind, knowing that she hadn't quite left
yet, and brought closure and forgiveness.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they first became sick... and when they began to lose grip on
reality.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was a natural reaction to something so intense - you either
laugh or you cry and sometimes it's necessary to laugh... it lifts
the heart.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to my grandmother more, and learn from her more.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know my grandmother died, even though I wasn't there with her... and
without anyone telling me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
the fact that I can't ever speak with them again.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
'my grandmother lead a good life... why did SHE have to die?'
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring her back... for my grandfather.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried, but was glad they were in peace.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I've had different experiences with Medical Communities... one was
fantastic... they did everything they possibly could... but the
other was horrible and negligent.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
it was so depressing... as if people were slowly rotting away. It
was as if you could smell death.
--Religious Affiliation:
christian/anglican
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the way people could smile and laugh despite the expected sadness.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
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Sat Dec 18 13:45:52 1999
F38 in Zwolle, LA =USA=
Name: Tammy Bailes
Email: <teddyb-at-cp-tel.net>
Web: http://home.talkcity.com/ReflectionsRd/dancingleaves/
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Homemaker
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More personal info:
Native American dancer:Southern Cloth and Buckskin. Tribal
volunteer. Member of the Choctaw-Apache Tribe of Ebarb.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Hello From Heaven
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
by Judy and Bill Guggenheim
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: sudden death.....cause unknown; Aged: 16 day old.
--Details:
Hospitalized after formula/diarrhea problems.....IV started......soon
afterwards cardiac arrest and respiratory failure. Died less than
2 hours after being admitted to the hospital for observation.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is the end of many earthly dreams. First day of school,first
baby tooth coming out, so many firsts are lost. Hard to laugh and
smile again without guilt tearing at your heart.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was devistated and didn't understand my adopted father's jealously
or the behavior of other family members.
--That first time, how it happened was
My birth father died unexpectedly. After a fall from his roof. He was
in the hospital they were trying to stabilize him when he suddenly
had a massive heart-attack and died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Life will never ever be the same again.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death isn't final...Our loved ones hear us...See us and watch over
us. They are only as far away as we allow them to be. Death is mere
veil between us. It's only as thick as we feel it is.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My daughter gave me the gift of being able to write poetry and to
share my thoughts with others. I've met many people because of her
and have done things I before would never have dreamt were possible.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My husband...He never gave up on me..
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The will to go on.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them know they don't have to stay for you. It is ok to let
go. You will be ok.....
--[My Daughter's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found out they do not leave us. My daughter has come to me in dreams,
I've heard her voice and have had many After-death communications
with her. Death is not the end....
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I felt such guilt that i couldn't do anything. That I was
powerless. I blamed myself so much.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
no comment
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
To stayed with her and not allowed the nurses to take her for the
IV...I should have stayed with her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
no comment
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
So many other people came up to me and told they do has lost a
child. The feeling was so over-whelming....
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
God had another flower in his garden....God needed another little
angel. I could always have another child. She was so young wasn't
like she really lived.....Insensitive things like that.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
It's her birthday or death anniversary. I hear of another baby's
death. Talk to a newly grieved parent. When I see how much my son
has grown since his sister's death.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
She and I would be together. Driving each other crazy cause we
would have been so much alike but would had so many good times
together. Girls day out. Shopping ... Eating at pizza hut without
daddy or big brother. So many thing we could have shared with each
other. In another reality we would live together with our family
and never be seperated......
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Others have children they don't care for. Children are beaten and
abused everyday but they survive to grow up. My daughter had a good
home. A good life but died anyway.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be with her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
had allowed my life to fall apart.....My marriage suffered greatly
also. Through good help of friends and a counselor I found my way
back....It's never too late to ask for help.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
It lacks so much. They get immune to death and don't know what
a family goes through. Leaving thier loved one's body at the
hospital....Going home to try to build a life again. Death is so
misunderstood.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
It was helpful to a point but most answers i found myself. I turned
away from organized christian religion and turned to the basic
beliefs of Native Americans. That has brought me much more peace
in my life than any minister or priest ever could.
--Religious Affiliation:
Past Roman Catholic. Current: Native American Religious beliefs.
--Regarding MONEY:
We were fortunate in one area. My daughter was added to my burial
insurance one day before she died. Therefore we were able to pay all
funeral expenses and get her a nice monument. That meant and still
means a great deal to me. After I am long go others will see her
monuement and know how much she was loved and missed by her family.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
My trying to control my emotions. I didn't want to faint or to come
unglued at the visitation or at the funeral. I saw this happen to
other family members over the years and i wanted to maintain some
kind of control over this uncontroable situation.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Accepting that our loved ones could and would contact us through
our waking hours as well as our dreams and speak with us.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
no comment
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Do whatever you feel is right. No matter what you do you will have
regrets. Do what you can....
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have dreamt and talked to many family members. My
dad,Grandmother,Mother in law, and a maternal cousin. Before my dad
died he came to me in a dream. Where i told him it was ok to let
go. Not to stay for me. I would be ok that Melissa would be there
for him. He died a week later. Most of my dreams were conformation
that they were ok,for me not to worry so much, and that all
misunderstandings between us were forgiven and that they loved me.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no commnet
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no comment
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you sweetheart and miss you like crazy. I hope you are proud
of my human endeavors to make my life be one in honor of you. She
would tell me me that she loves me and her dad and her brother. She
would send me more butterflies and would come more to me in dreams
revealing herself at her current age.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I've heard my daughter's voice while trying to meditate. She told me
three times "I love you mommy" and three times "it's ok mommy, it's
ok". A younger version of my own voice. My grandmother visited
me 15 yrs after she died. We were face to face. I couldn't see
her body only her face. WE talked mind to mind. Our lips didn't
move. She told me she loved me and not to worry so much. That all
was forgiven. I could see her face so clearly. Felt the touch of her
skin. Woke up that day to so many happy tears because i had seen
her. I dreamt of my mother in law with her husband. We talked a
bit but don't remember but felt it was a time where we forgave each
other for past problems between us. I told her about her favorite
grandson "my son" that he missed her like crazy and was lost without
her. Was there anything she wanted me to tell him. She said to tell
him "I'm always around, I always watch over him." I dreamt of
a cousin. His wife and i know are good friends. He would speak to
me just smile. He was at their house. Looked much younger and in
good health again. I asked him was there anything he wanted me to
tell Mary. He wouldn't say anything just smiled. I remember looking
inside the house and looked at new furnishings. Wasn't long after
this that Mary did some renovations. Maybe he was letting her know
he liked the changes she was going to make. One dream my dad
kept appearing but I was afraid to get close to him but finally
I grabbed him and hugged him. Again I felt we had forgiven each
other for past regrets. My daughter appeared in two dreams
in one week. One of a baby that I had forgotten about . I felt
great regret. Cleaned up the baby and placed it on the couch. A
beautiful baby with blue eyes and my saying you look so much like
your dad. Then i dreamt that i was on a porch swing with a little
girl. My husband sat nearby. I told her why don't you come see me
more often. She said i do.I send you butterlies then brought her
hands up and formed a butterfly above her head off to the side. I
gasped looked at my husband who smiled then grabbed her up and
hugged her. That's all I can remember right now.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Don't want anyone figting over my possessions will leave a very
detailed will saying who gets what. I don't want any life support. If
there is no hope i will ever be able to talk,communicate,walk
again. If I were to be in a vegitated state i would rather pass
on. Not to be a emotional or financial burden to my family. Do
Not Recesitate Notice be put on my medical records and if it is
possible that all vital organs be donated for others to use or for
medical research.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope and pray that I would have lived my life well enough to
earn the right to be with those who have passed before me. That we
would be together again and not ever have to be parted from each
other again.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have over the past 8 yrs written 70 poems and still write. They
have helped me tremendously. I help with grief support chat sites
online. I also practice Native American religious beliefs and being
able to go and sit in the woods and pray with my sage and herbs
has helped me tremendously as well as other religious practices.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no comment
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Many friendships have offered because of my daughter's death. Too
many to count. I know people all over the world vast majority over
the net. My life has stretched out into avenues i previously would
have never dreamt of.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
adopted father's jealously of birth father.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I've created and ran my own grief support group. Helped with other
grief support groups. Contributed material to grief support groups
and newsletters. Attended funerals to give out materials and books
to newly grieving parents. Last few years i've helped others through
Grief Support groups on the internet. I still do those things and
hope to as long as i am able.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Some questions were a bit too much for this tired brain to
answer. Some were a bit double-talk to me. Confusing. Others very
though provoking.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
More questions should deal with After-Death Communication
Enhancements: www.after-death.com www.meetingofhearts.com www.shrineofhope.com www.spiritspace.com
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Sat Dec 18 02:29:11 1999
M52 in Portland, Oregon =USA=
Name: Brian G. Smith
Email: <bgsmith-at-teleport.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i was looking up a book soul journey on the nwt when i surfed in
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Prof/Studies: Marketing, Import
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was 6 years old, we had moved to another town
where we used to live near a family, actually they were our closest
neighbors in the country, They were a large family and living out in
a secluded area they hunted a lot and had guns around the house. The
second eldest brother was shooting at a rat when something went
wrong and the bullet struck the 6 year old brother fatally wounding
him. We, our family my older brother and my younger brother, mother
and father heard about it on a news radio flash. This was in 1953
and we did not have TV. My parents seemed disturbed yet emotionaly
restrained. Mostly they made it clear to us that this was a lesson
that guns were dangerous. we were left to resolve the magnitude
of the loss of such a young life on our own.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Shortly after, the death,my brothers and I communed with the young
boys spirit in our bedroom, we had no knowledge of such a thing. We
were too young and had not been heavily indoctrinated a belief
system.One morning shorly after the young boys death we became
aware of his presence in our bedroom, we saw lights and became
aware of this energy, it made us laugh and we called out it's
gary's spirit. We left that expeience with a sense of completion
and peace, and did not talk about it for years. Even now as I write
this it becomes apparent to me more of what occurred that day and
what was imparted, That death at any age is not a negative thing,
life however brief needs to be celebrated
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
Grandmother and the guilt ridden religion that was pushed on us,
we were told that we would be tortured for eternity if we did not
comply. it took me years to realize that God is a loving God and
that he does not judge or condemn your efforts in life based on a
minor moment of repentance. as a matter of fact he does not judge
you at all, he teaches, we pick the lessons, the wisdom we gather
from these lessons alows us to use better judgement and rise to
higher levels of understanding, coping with, and loving others
and serving a higher purpose and calling. Once I freed myself
from beliefs, which by the way a belief system is the luck of the
draw, if you are born into a hindu family, you become a hindu,
a morman family likewise and so on. I now niether condemn nor
condone beliefs, I can have beliefs and not let my beliefs have
me. But there is something that exists beyond beliefs that is much
more real. And you can not enter wrapped in your beliefs. So I can
see and expeience that peace, that joy today that was brought to
me years ago in the knowledge that life and death are not to be
feared, they are to be lived courageously, and are to be received
as a gift with gratitude and humility. This goes beyond religion,
beyond belief, to your heart of hearts within you that joy resides,
to get there become like a small child with no preconcieved notion,
no concepts or polluted thinking, just the same as that day when
the spirit of that small child comforted us that day of bereavement
long ago. That was a pure experience, unadulterated and seen through
the heart of a child, it becomes more and more clear to me
= = = =
please live and let live, "better to sit at the ocean's birth than a
sea of waves to win better to live in the love that floweth forth
than the love that cometh in" anonymous ; I will share openly and
freely from my heart to all who want to share, I will not engage
in arguments or intolerance I have a delete button for that
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Fri Dec 17 22:00:02 1999
F42 in Seattle, Wa =King=
Name: Diane
Email: <sage471725-at-aol.com>
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Prof/Studies: Paralegal
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
many books of the death of a child ( cannot remember titles)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: auto accident; Aged: 18.
--Details:
although I am dying of a lung disease. It is the death of my child 2
years ago that breaks my heart and crushes my soul. I wish I could
give my life to give him bACK HIS
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--Death Is:
The death of a child is like no other. I have lost all grandparents,
a sibling, and my son.I am also dying myself from Primary Pulmonary
Hypertention. The death of a child is a physical, emotional and
spiritual eruption. Everything you have always held to be true
becomes unfamiliar. Your friends, family, even your God appear to
be strange and alien. Because so few have experienced this loss no
one is able to relate or understand the state of your grief.You
have become the Alien. I would literally survive from one moment
to the next. Finding comfort no where and difinately not in the
places I would have assumed such as my own husband, church, lifelong
friends. There is a physical aspect to grief rarely spoke of. I had
severe adrenalin rushes and heart palipations. Difficulty breathing
which often makes me wonder if my own illness is not the result of
my grieving for my son. I would not wish this pain on anyone.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was deeply saddened to lose my Grandmother. But I found a way to
rationalize her death by telling myself she was sick and had lived
a long life.How stupid and uncompassionate
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died during heart surgery when
I was 18. My brother was murdered when I was 25 and I went into
complete denial. My 18 year old son died 2 years ago and my life
has been devastated. A year later I was diagnosed with a terminal
illness. It is difficult to find the will to live while grieving
for the death of your child.It lends a different prospective to
your own dying process
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
His loss. My sons loss. The courage it took to leave this world
all alone. What was he thinking? Did he call out for me? Nothing
will ever make sense again. What is the plan? Is his soul safe? I
cannot ever stop being his mother and worrying about him. Is there
a life after death? I remember a million things and very often they
flood my mind all at the same time. A million questions that will
never be answered by the greatest of minds.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death brings about inevitable change. As a culture that needs to
be assumed. Those around us need to expect change both good and
bad and not expect the grieving to just get on with it. We also
underestimate the amount of time we are in deep deep grief.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the unexpected places I found compassion. People I never expected
to be there for me. then of course there where those I knew would
be there and were not.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
An organization named "The Compassionate Friends" They were and
have been my greatest sourse of stength
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
This is a tough one . There are so many.I suppose just knowing
my child will never be in this world . He will never come home,
call my name, tell me he loves me. Missing him all the time.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
I have yet to find support to deal with my own death. Many others
with my illness are hoping to find a cure and belive hope will
carry them
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
Death of a child can never be part of the normal course of life. For
myself it is so much left undone
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Thu Dec 16 22:57:53 1999
F21 in , =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 10 months ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 76.
--Details:
He almost died the previous month but come back. He died in his
home on his own terms!!!!!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when we go home. We are put on this earth to experience all that
we can about life and loving and giving and hurting and fearing.
This knowledge enriches our spirit and we take our experiences back
with use.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
very young and was affected by the guilt of all the "could ofs and
should ofs." It a totally new experience for me. We never really
talked about death in my family. It was just a part of life.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...She was the longtime girlfriend of a relative.
She went to have a "growth" removed and a few weeks later she died
unexpected. Her death was difficult because of the guilt I had for
not going to visit her after her operation. I felt guilty for many
years. It was also the first time I had to deal with death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how I felt I had to be strong for my family. I could not let
anyone see me cry because then they would know I was vulnerable.
Also, how I feel I went through the greiving process very quickly.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I don't know if I understand the question, but I would say that
my European culture views death as a very negative exerience.
It focuses on the loss and does not remember the good times. I
think this should change.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I realize that life is very short and we should live each day
as if it were our last.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My boyfriend of four years helped me. He lost his grandfather 10
years ago so he could relate.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being able to say goodbye!!!!!!
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Things have happened since his death that lead me to believe that
there is life after death and that we will all see eachother again.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Call him during the day when I felt that I should have and that I
should not have taken for granted the short time we had.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
hold him and feel him hands for one last time!!!
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I realized that my grandfather had come to visite me to let me know
he was o.k. I felt his presence the day he died, the moment he died.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
you meet someone who doesn't know and they ask how he is doing.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have spent more time with him during the last few weeks
asking him all the questions I always wanted to ask.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
That medical help can only do so much, but if it is your time to
go no amount of medical help will keep you alive.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Well at first I avoided my church because it made me remember the
pain and I didn't want to, but now I find it more enriching.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am a Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I believe we all have a spirit that lives on.
--Regarding MONEY:
How would my grandmother cope with a reduced income?
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that it is mostly for those people visiting. You have already
experienced the shock and reality that the person is gone, others
have not.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
-when the person starts telling you where certain documents are
and other personal things of that nature.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
There is someone in my family who constantley has dreams like this.
A few days prior to my grandfathres death she dreamed that his
mother was having a party because her sons were coming home.
My grandfather died in march and his brother in may.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell him I love him and that I am happy he got to meet the
man of my future and that two nights before he died our visit with
him was so special
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think that I would feel like I still have so much to do. Find a
good job, get married, have kids. I think it would hurt to know
that I would never get to do those things and that I would sad for
having to leave my loved ones behind. However, I feel that there
is life after death and this would be my future hope.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I talked to him every night.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I think talking about the persons life and what they ment to you
helps alot.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This was a good experience. I feel happy that I could share my
feelings and I find it interesting that my feeling his presence is
not unusual.
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Thu Dec 16 15:26:09 1999
F19 in , Indiana =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 69.
--Details:
The doctor said he got all the cancer, but he didn't. The cancer
spread to my grandpa's lymph nodes and he died 5 months after having
his lung removed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
all around us.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my cousin died on the operating table from
heart failure. I was 2
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
watching grandpa take his last breaths.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to be more sensitive.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
for the time that I had with pap.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that they are never coming back and there is no way to
appologize for anything that may or may not have happened.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be there, the person will know it, either now or in Heaven and you
will feel better that you were there.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
changed inside.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
God didn't take me instead
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there every minute that I had free.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have the 16 years with him that I did.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
after he died, I rubbed his balding head and told him goodbye.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
All the good memories I have of him.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
After the death, anytime anyone cries, I want to. I can cry on cue,
so to speak.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would do so many things differently, all the things that he didn't
get to see, he would have.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why did he have to die? He was a good man, a wonderful father
and grandfather.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just have 10 minutes with him to tell him things.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried all the time.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
doctors don't know anything, they lie and give you false hope.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they are wonderful people who are undersppreciated.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
My grandmother is a preacher, I hear her sermons everytime we talk.
--Regarding MONEY:
money didn't matter, he was gone and we were crushed.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
There were soo many people who loved him and thought he was a
wonderful man.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I do not know how many people were in the room with me when he died.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I knew what was happening.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I cried a lot and still do.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I believe that whoever came to take him from us was behind me,
because pap looked right at me, but he wasn't seeing me. He was
seeing someone else.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I want to tell him how much I love him and how wonderful he was. That
I am sorry I wasn't there everyday.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
IF I could just say the things I wanted to and hug him one last time.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I dreamed about being outside with pap and he thanked me. I don't
know why. I should have been the one to thank him for always being
there for me, through my parents divorce and everything in life. yet
I wasn't at the hospital every day that I should have been. I was
in high school at the time and there is no excuse.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want my family to respect my wishes no matter what they may be.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I want at my funeral for people to say things about me, good or
bad. Hopefully many of my friends show and pay their respects.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I watch and attend Braves baseball games.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I can empathize better with people now, I can help better.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes, but in a different way.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
It seems every year someone I know dies, I've been to a lot of
funerals in my life.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
When my grandpa died 4 years ago, it was the hardest time of my life.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I was in my own world, and that was fine.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me want to cry.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
What is a good way to deal with death?
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Thu Dec 16 15:07:26 1999
F24 in Toronto, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Sociology student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: accident; Aged: 19.
--Details:
Same as previous - Death by bleeding to death after breaking through
glass door at school.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A separation of our spiritual selves from our physical bodies.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried and got mad at everything.
--That first time, how it happened was
My mothers job hired the employees kids over the summer. Only Matt
and I worked that summer and became very close. In Spetember he went
to school and was horsing around with his pals and went through a
class plate door and bled to death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My dad rubbing my back and letting me cry for hours.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is natural. Everything living experiences it and it is not the
end of who we are.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
learning how short life can be and learning to enjoy each day to
its fullest.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Mom, Dad and my brother.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The person was so young and had so much ambition.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Always tell them how much they have meant to you to make the
transition easier. They know they have made a difference.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was blessed with the opportunity to know someone so special,
appreciate everyone who cares for you.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When I first found out. It didn't seem fair to him or me, or
his family.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
This never happened to me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Let him know how much I admired him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
grieve in my own way without anyone telling me I had to let it go.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
n.a.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
don't know
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember how much he was like the man I am about to marry.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I probably would have still taken him for granted and never let
him know how much I respected and admired him.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
This was the most frequent thought for me. I knew and respected his
parents and it wasn't fair to them. I was also selfish I thought
it was to get back at me somehow.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Forget it ever happened.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I was scared it would happen to me or my family. I became very
aware of them and worried a lot more when I didn't know where they
were. I was more careful myself, I was afraid of the pain my death
might cause.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Question. Could there have been a way in which they could have saved
him. Honestly, I freak out if an emergency vehicle is on the road
with lights flashing. I scream at the people to get out of the way
maybe they can save the persons life with those extra seconds like
they could have saved Matt.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
N.A.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing at the time, I blame God and had no real religious ties.
--Religious Affiliation:
Non-denomenational. Just personal beliefs
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
More real.
--Regarding MONEY:
N.A.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I didn't go but I was told that there were about 3000 people there.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
replaying my mother telling me over and over in my head for years.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I don't know. Maybe a sudden burst of energy when their health
is failing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Whatever you feel, whenever you feel it let it go. I was in French
class in the middle of an exam and I started to cry because I
couldn't handle the pressure so so close to the time of death.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Never heard of it.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no one, maybe God as I develop a deeper understanding of religion.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Just knowing that they knew how I felt would help.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Never happened
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
organ donation. I want to do as much as I can but I don't want them
to cause my death because they think I'm going to die to give my
organs to someone else who has a better chance of living.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't want to die right now. I'm too young, I want to do more
and have kids.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
thinking helped me cope. I didn't shut it out no matter how much
it hurt eventaully I had thought it all.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I always think too much, one of my down falls but it keeps me aware
and on my toes thinking of all the possible situations.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Nope.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
My Mom and Dad were wonderful and helped me immensely, I cried
for days
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
I had never experienced anything like that before
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
not much.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I was pretty sure of the way I handled things and of the love and
support I recieved. I just want this to help others in their quest
for knowledge.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Did you attend any type of funeral proceeding? If not why? I
know many people with many different reasons for not attending the
funeral of loved one even thoughtthey cared.
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Thu Dec 16 14:18:06 1999
F48 in Reno, Nevada =usa=
Name: Josie
Email: <Dyer369-at-webtv.net>
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Found us by: [ Email Message ]
Prof/Studies: Checker
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More personal info:
Yes post it, we need all the help we can get
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, Aged: 21
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...Our son move in at 21 years with this guy
and in 7 days wanted to move out. In 10 days he's found in the
hills with his shotgun dead. There's no doubt he was murder, but
the small county we live in, the deputies had no experience with
death like this, and with no investigation rule suicide right away.
There's more facts to this story. We have unsolve crime working on
the case now, they to see something wrong with the case. He wasn't
in a sit belt, but yet the sit belt has blood on it. The seat belt
was in a casing. Will fight to prove his death, you had to know
him and he grew up with guns. Thanks Josie
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Haven't dealt with it yet, proving case
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
Need to prove his death
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Mon Dec 13 12:04:53 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 63.
--Details:
suffered for 8 long years with cancer.Died a long agonizing death
at home......watched him die.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a time to be reborn.To go back to where we came from.To return to
God in heaven.It is a sad time for us here on earth cause we grieve
the loss...but...it is a happy time for the deceased
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
could not believe it......I couldn't get the images of my grandfather
lying in the casket out of my mind....was terrified...couldn't
sleep at night.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I didn't have very much love and support from family or
friends...and.....feeling guilty about not spending much time
with him.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that no one can begin to know how you feel......eeryone experiences
it differently.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the inheritance that I received which helped me get out of debt.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
when I received my dad's belongings.....esp. a sweatshirt that I
made him....I would take out and smell it..it reminded me of him....
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Seeing my dad in pain right before he died.....wanting t help
him......
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell them that you love them and that it's ok to go.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
carried on......prayed and kept thinking of happy memories.....
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I wasn't sure how I felt......how to grieve.....
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was a relief!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my dad...be there for him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for him and to call a priest for the last rites.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
everyone saying he looked good at the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a picture of him.....smell a smell.....hear a song....
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he's my dad...I need him.....I love him...he's my friend
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hug him
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wanted to do what my dad would have wanted me to do....
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disappointment......they could've done more!!
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they were GREAT!!!!!
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Sun Dec 12 00:55:10 1999
F49 in Asheville , norht Carolina =USA=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Web Sources On Death And Dying link
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: massive heart attack; Aged: 47.
--Details:
It was sudden and unexpected.But he knew he was dying and was
scared.He stopped breathing and after awhile he opened his eyes and
looked around,His eyes looked strange,and he got up on his hands
and knees and looked around.What I have wondered was he looking at
because he was looing past me and had a blank look in his eyes.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like a fire ,it is real in a sence we can feel it and see it.That is
our physical form and when we die it like smoke ,a vapor that fades
and rises and can be seen no more but yet it stiil exists somewhere
in the universe.Our soul is in another realm but still lives.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
My first experience was My Husband's death.I was with him every step
of the way.I was scared ,I wanted him to live and had no idea he
was dying.When he opened his eyes I thought he come out of it and
he was going to be ok.I was shocked when I was told he was gone.It
can't be possible!
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my Gran Father,he had a massive heart
attack but I was too young to understand what was happening.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
As he was falling to floor he screamed!This is it Momma,I am going,my
whole body is numb!He landed on his back and threw up into the air
and it landed on his face.We wiped his face and I got him breathing
again by a little cpr.The thing that haunts me and yet gives me hope
is ....when he opened his eyes he looked around and then jumped
to his knees and got on his hands and knees,looking around (with
a strange look in his eyes)he looked past me as tho he was seeing
something that was not there,but he looked confused.I told him to
lay down and stay calm,when the paramedics one minute later checked
him he had no pulse.He was gone!But all the time I had thought he
was going to be ok now since he was breathing and awake.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My Husband did not suffer,he realized he was going and that gave
him a second to get right with God then he was out and didn't
suffer anymore.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I can't really say I had much support.There were alot of people
during funeral(family and friends).But after that I was left alone
to deal with my loss.My family even had the attitude I should get
over it now and stop crying.I have had to get counceling to deal
with my loss since i have no other support.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
His fear, and the fact that he knew he was dying.He must have been
scared out of his mind the way he sounded.Then there was the loss
for me and the emptiness that was his place with me in our life
together.And wondering what is there now for us,why love if it is
ended at death and why relationships if they are over forever as
in marriage.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Love,and forgiveness.I wish I had known then because in my heart
now I feel what we feel in our heart at that time is taken with
us.Even tho most of his unciousness I believe he could still know
what was happening to him and hearing around him.So if someone you
love is dying say what you want to say then because we don't get
another chance,even tho you don't think they hear they probably can .
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Saw he was looking at something I couldn't see,and it recomfirms that
there is life after death.And now I am not afraid to die because I
know when it is my time he will be there on the other side waiting
for me.And welcome me home!But as far as us goes after that......I
am obsessed to learn of what our relationship is in a spirit world.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
right after he died,it was like it was not happening,it was a very
bad dream I would wake up from.I was so numb and felt raw to my soul!
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never felt this emotion.For me this event was a nightmare.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say I love you and will forever and forgive you will you forgive
me for the times we argued and said hurtful things.And I want us
to be together forever..eternity.And ask God for forgiveness and
turn yourself over to God.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be with him and him not die alone without love.He knew I was there
for him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
he opened his eyes and looked at something that wasn't there.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
??
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have cryed everyday for 3 months now.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If i could do that and know what I know now,I would be more attentive
to him and more loving.I would give him alot of hugs and words
of love from my heart.And also would be less quick to anger and
more forgiving.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why does God want us to love and marry?When our love one dies our
marriage is until death do you part.So I guess that means it is over
forever.Then why love and become one with the one you love ,because
when they are taken it hurts to your soul.And so does the knowledge
that your relationship with them is over forever,it cuts to my inner
heart and whole being.Then does love last forever,whatever we have
here is it carried into our next life as in marriage?Is that why God
wants us to marry,if so it can't be over forever!I am so confused
about this!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
fade away form myself.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
look forward to being with him again.It has been very hard to deal
with this!At times I want to die for my pain to end.In some ways I
feel he had the easy part because his pain was short lived.On the
other hand my pain will last me the rest of my life.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they should have got here faster and I have no idea what happened
after when we got to hospital,how hard did they try to bring him
back?I will never know since noone was allowed in there.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Getting saved and forgiveness for which there was no time.It
was sudden.
--Religious Affiliation:
Babtist
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I was amazed when he died how peaceful he went.When he was up on
his hands and knees looking around I told him to lay down and stay
calm.He did and that was it.He gently layed down and a minute later
he had no pulse.He went so peacefully.As in going to sleep.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
After being unconcious to awaken and have a dead look in their eyes
and see somthing that is not there.But a blank look in their eyes
and a look of one that is confused.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
At first I was numb.It was happening to us but to someone else.It
was like watching a movie.Or having a nightmare you can't wake up
from.Then the shock was over and I was so lost and the crying never
seems to stop.And I keep searching for signs of him .At times I still
feel he is going to come in the door.There have even been times I
heard his voice or felt him behind me.You see at a split second you
forget,and then when you realize it was someone else you heard of
felt you are hit with the realization all over again,that he is gone.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I didn't see or hear anything except that I know he did.From his
waking up all of a sudden and acting like he was startled and got
up on his hands and knees and then gently and peacefully layed down .
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
God and you.I talk to God about this and also to my Husband.I don't
know if my husband hears me but i hope he does.If he doen't God
will tell him.And in talking to him this way I start to learn more
about what was happening and know him more.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you and love is forever,never ending.And our marriage is
forever united us.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Years after my great grand mother died she visited me in a dream.we
were in a room and she had come in through this door that I knew
I could not enter and we visited.when the visit was over she left
through that door.when my Husband died,I had been crying and asked
God to tell my Husband I love him and always wiil and forgive me.I
remembered in the bible it says ask and you shall recieve.So I told
God I was standing on his word I am asking.And I have looked and
can't find anywhere that he loved me only memories.About an hour
later I was walking across driveway and I just happened to look up
at sky and saw 3 clouds.Clouds are white with dark spots in them.In
the first cloud was (I),in the second was (Love),in the third was
(You).I ran for the house to get the kids to come see this.They
did just as the clouds were breaking up.The older kids went back in
but my youngest stayed with me and then we saw a hand form in the
clouds like the sign for STOP.There have been a few other smaller
things but not sure about them ,may have been wishful thinking.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Yes,I would hope to go in a unsuffering manner my husband did and I
am not afraid of death now as I was before because i know he will be
there for me.And in a way I feel as though I have already died.The
emptiness is a great void I feel where he once was in my life.Life
will never be the same,it is precious but at the same time not ours
to call our own.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have felt since this that when we forgive someone that it sets the
record free for them.If I can forgive, then God will forgive.If i
forgive then the hurt that was caused is gone and he won't be held
accountable for something that isn't there anymore.Maybe I am wrong
but it is a strong feeling i get.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
At that age I didn't comprehend what death was.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it is the same over and over for me everytime I teel it.No different
here.
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Sat Dec 11 09:02:30 1999
F68 in Santiago, Area Metropolitana =Chile=
Name: Maria de los Angeles
Email: <mignon-at-entelchile.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Director, School of Psychology, PhD
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I've had none whatsoever
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Same answer as above
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The questions are really too vague. What kind of unresolved
issue? you mean with the people who are dead that you loved?
only perhaps to know more about their feelings and the important
things that happened in their lives.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I really don't dwell too much thinking about impossible things to
happen. Death is full stop.Even though it would be great to be able
to talk to them you know you can't and that's it.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I only dream quite frequently with lots of people who have already
died, and its as if they were alive.. like dreams are...
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I believe people should have the right to end their own lives if
they suffer . I believe in eutanasia. But look what happened to
Ram Dass' PARAPLEGIC when he intended suicide. Life is too strong!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
The only kind of death that really stirs me is that of young people
or children. I'm already my mother's age when she died, so I
can take it quite well although I would hate to leave my daughters
and grandchildren and work. Am healthy and think I have still
many things to do. I have a happy life. I would like to go without
causing pain and having no pains.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
For me it has always been difficult to be near the people who are
in the process of dying. Don't know what to say or do
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Don't understand what kind of practices or habits you would be
talking about. Do you mean pray or have some kind of virtual
conversation with God?
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No, only emerging good things to do and feel. Its as if the death
of the loved one was better for your life even though you grieved
for them.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I like to suffer by myself. Perhaps that is why I feel so uncertain
of what to do when others are in pain and near death. Maybe they
would like to be left alone. However I do remember that it was
wonderful to have a person beside me when a loved one died because
he was suffering as much as I was. That is the only way one can
help, suffering together because you feel understood and you know
you are together not because of a social obligation
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I answered it because a pair of students who are investigating
on the topic came to me (they needed Ss older that 65)and asked
me some questions about death about three days ago. And we had a
very pleasant chat in spite of the topic. Your questions were quite
different from theirs.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I already told you so answering your questions.
Enhancements: I haven't
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Sat Dec 11 08:42:37 1999
F51 in Eagletown, Ok, OK =United States of America=
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Found us by: [ Email Message ]
Prof/Studies: Phychology and Sociology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, yrs ago.
Cause of Death: commited suicide; Aged: 69.
--Details:
He never recovered from a couple of strokes he had 4 years ago that
left him mostly paralyzed and unable to talk. He still had one
hand and arm that was functional, and could feed himself-----and
eventualy shoot himself. He'd always been such cut-up, laughing
and telling his stories. I love to hear his stories.
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--Death Is:
The end of life as we know it on earth. Death is the absence of
living. Loved ones are left alone. No more earthly pleasures.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was surprised about the lack of emotion my family appeared to have.
I was a pre-teen and believed that no one really cared. I was
confused and didn't know how to act.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...death of a great grandmother--nothing
dramatic--had not spent a lot of time with her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the broken heart of my Aunt, the feeling of helplessness, reminded
that we have never had any control over our lives.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that death reminded me to value life and to appreciate the time we
have left with family and loved ones.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The silent, but always present strength of those who love me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
It brings back all deaths that I've experienced before and reminds
me of the void for those left behind. Also reminds me that all our
days are limited and that my family and I will someday be seperated.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Respect for their decisions and the right to the same dignity and
honor that the person had befor their illness.
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Don't stay away - stay in contact and be a part of their dying
process.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I can't imaging life without the person or how other family members
will deal with the impact on their lives.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
She had a great sense of humor and I believe she would have liked
that we were able to share memories of the good times we had.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend time, one on one with my friend. To talk about the good old
days, our children and her hopes for her family's future. Wish I
had took the time instead of putting it off until it was too late.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Let her family members that I loved her and would miss her too,
and that I would try to take part in their lives, because they are
important to me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
they played a Vince Gill song at her funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm reminded that the person is gone forever--too late to say I
love you.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
for the children and grandchildren not to have a mother and
grandmother to share their lives with.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
wake up from this bad dream and find that all is well
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
tried to accept it as the natural course of events
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
No commet here
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I have had a good relationship with hospice, but I know several
that say that hospice spent an huge amount of time 'talking death'
to the dying. And they did it in a very detached an uncaring way.
The family did not appreciate that kind of "help".
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everything went as well as could be expected.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when the funeral home came to pick up the body--we all watched
as they carried the body out and put it in a Surburban instead of
a hearse. Just felt weird about that
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
withdrawal from family and friends stop eating
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
have heard stories but have not witnessed for myself.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
comforting to those who tell of their experience
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
have to let everything go now, besides she loved me in spite of my
shortcomings and would understand
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
would tell them how their life had been of value to me and the
impact that they had on me that will help me be a better person
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I believe that my father in law looked over me and helped me until
I could better deal with his death.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
already answered in earlier question--honor and dignity
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I wish I had accomplished more, had more wisdom to share with my
children. Had been a stronger leader and made more of a difference
in the world.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
wish I had some sore of coping skills--but no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
good questions--made me identify feelings better
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Fri Dec 10 21:35:03 1999
F31 in , Nebraska =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
none
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 week ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 47.
--Details:
Husband also died. Daughter from first marriage survived but
in coma.
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--Death Is:
The greatest loss, void one can experience. Feeling of emptiness,
sadness, weight and knots in chest and stomach.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I have experienced many deaths over the years. Even my grandmothers
death, whom I wasnt very close to. The emotion I experience now
with a close friend, co-worker is unthinkable and unbearable.
--That first time, how it happened was
Co-worker and friend in department died in car accident. We were
told at work that it happened the day before.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Confusion as to how this person would no longer be calling, sending
e-mail, helping with a work problem or a personal problem.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Understanding the loss for the living, yet the renewing of the dead.
I dont know what I mean by that.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I cant recall anything "happening". I treasure as a gift, however,
how I came to new this person before their death. That is a gift.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Being alone and not having someone always asking me 'how are you
doing?' 50 times a day. Being quiet with myself. Allowing my train
of thought to go where it needed to go. Picturing the car crash,
picturing my friend and her husband broken, bruised and dying
or dead.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The very hardest part that I will never forget is when I was told.
I will never, ever forget it. It was horrible hearing the news.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The fact that this living human being is now dead.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didnt laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have more time with the person. Convince them to stay and not
travel.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
The jobs that needed done at work that this person did. Users were
helpful in relaying what they needed and no one was really pushing
us for a quick resolution.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I feared my friend suffered a horrible death when fate lead them
to the head-on with the semi-tractor and this was the last they
saw in their lives. Then I remembered that the air bags would have
deployed, sparing them the sight. Also, the newspaper article left
out information regarding our coworker and friend that I felt she
wouldnt have liked that.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I dont know
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm not near over it all. For many months to come we will be
discovering the work she did and trying to recreate it. She will
always be there in front of us, it will be hard to get over.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be picking up the phone at work, answering emails from her,
working on a problem with her, looking forward to christmas and
the new year in a different light. Its all changed now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Mostly, all I could do was shake my head and say 'its just not
right'.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Be alone to think things through. I feel I have alot to think
through of past discussions. I want to be able to remember it all
so I force myself to think of things, happy and sad over and over.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Today was the funeral, I dont understand the death and I'm not sure
I have acknowledge it yet.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I dont know.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
This is something I have wrestled with for a long time. This past
week however, I feel a stronger need to find my spiritual side.
--Religious Affiliation:
Raised catholic, switched to methodist, nothing now
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I'm not sure
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
All the people that came to pay their respects.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Once I saw my friend in her casket, I felt relief that she appeared
to not have suffered great bodily harm. Also, seeing her made
it true that she was dead. Yet standing in front of her coffin
made me wonder if she was watching all of us. Or did her death
take her to a glorius place like the religious scriptures say?
I had so many questions in my head.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I dont know
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I dont know
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I dont know
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel undone with everything.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Wow, I have thought of this one over and over. If I new the outcome
and what was to come, I would have said many things. I dont know
what specifically.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I need to discuss with my husband what our final wishes are from
where to by buried, type of service, music and sermon, etc. I would
want what I planned to be carried out
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
This is what I think I do think about the most. I have become
obsessed with death (I think). I know now that I will die someday
and I wonder when, how, if I will be alone, what it will be like
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Attending the funeral I think will help with the closure. At work
we intend on dedicating a memorial.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Life is short. Death will happen when you least expect it, did
you tell people you loved them and appreciated them in your life?
Thats what I'm working on. I dont feel I do this with my husband,
family and friends.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I feel a bond with coworkers I never thought of before. we have
all now shared this awful loss.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have a hard time reaching out. People had to reach out to
me first. There were several people that kept 'bugging' me, or
so I thought. They kept asking how i was doing now at least three
times a day, it got old.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
YES! I needed guidance in my thought processing. My thinking has
been scrambled and being asked specific questions has helped me
figure out what to think about and what to let go of.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Keep questions to one or two (at the most) sentences. Personally,
being asked a long winded question, I get lost after about the
10 word. I had to re-read and re-read the long questions over and
over to try to get the meaning out of it.
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Fri Dec 10 10:07:33 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I went to www.infoseek.com and your webpage came up
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: Heart failure; Aged: 74.
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--Death Is:
Death is like a loss and that you know that you will never be able
to see that person again until you die. It is like a passing on
from this world to the next.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried, and cried. It was shocking because I had never had to feel
that way before. The older you get, it seems the more people die
and you kind of get more comfortable with the situation, but all
in all it still hurts.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather died of Lung Cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Denial. I couldn't believe that he died. It was so weird. but,
he was a great person and I just couldn't and I didn't want to
face the fact that he did die.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I know that he is not in pain anymore and I feel that he
probably went to a better place.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
playing and listening to music and talking to people.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
reminicing about that person and the good times we had together.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they were just about to die. I think sometimes it's hard to look
at somebody dying and just the fact that you know that that person
is going to die at a particular moment is hurtful.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with the person that died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be peaceful and it looked like he just fell asleep.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
There was no reason for that person to die. Why didn't somebody
that deserved to die die?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didn't feel as bad as when I first felt the shock, but I accepted
it more.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
going to church and praying for that person, before and after the
time of death.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
I couldn't stop thinking of the person
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Dec 10 05:40:13 1999
F30 in Vinton, Iowa =USA=
Name: TammyJo Eckhart
Email: <teckahrt-at-kiva.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student and assistant teacher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 89.
--Details:
My mother called and told me that my Great Aunt Nira had died, we'd
been expecting it since she had been living at a care facility for
about two years now.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a natural ending to life. It can be scary for those left behind
but everyone has to go through it. Its like falling asleep forever.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried a bit then just trusted that there was a reason for it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a close older neighbor whom I called
"grandpa" died; my mother reported it to me while I was taking
a bath. I cried but my mother told me not to cry because he
was in heaven -- I'd had difficulty crying ever since that time,
especially about death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I cried; I do that very rarely. I was very close to my Great Aunt
for many years. I felt shaky for about a week.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is natural -- don't be so worried about it or when it will happen,
don't put off what you need to do and say now because that regret
is where most of the sorrow and guilt come from after a death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
end of suffering in this life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband and my memories.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
dealing with others getting too emotional about the entire situation
and expecting me to take care of them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't treat him/her any differently, just be yourself, the fakiness
or guilt is not pleasant for them and don't they deserve a pleasant
passing?
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
you cherish the memories.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the dying person says "I feel good" but now I know that that is
their acceptance of what is happening.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see her one more time, but I live several states away and her memory
would not have recalled me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know that her suffering and confusion were over now.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see her name in the address or Christmas card book.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried -- but like I said, we were expecting it to happen.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
almost nothing; just a ritual that buried her, I don't think
organized religion is nearly as important as a personal relationship
with the Divine.
--Religious Affiliation:
Disciples of Christ/First Christian Church
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like an attempt to give deeper meaning to a natural experiment.
Maybe it helps people cope?
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have no knowledge of such experience for my Great Aunt. When my
grandmother died 15 years earlier she believed that she saw Jesus
at the end and reached out to take his hand.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Make sure you write down what you want and have several copies of
it, prepay for your furneral and bural is possible before hand so
your descendants don't have to work on that.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Whenever, though I'd prefer it to be quick or in my sleep. I just
live and go about my plan of life, I don't worry about it at all.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
reread a oral history I'd collected from her when I was in high
school.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
my mother's attitude toward crying
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I just talked about it with my parents and my close friends.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
The questions were ok. However, since this latest death isn't the
one that has affected me most I'm not sure I gave you as much useful
feedback as you wished.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Dec 10 05:25:23 1999
F18 in LONDON, =ENGLAND=
Name: laila adam
Email: <lailaadam-at-netscape.net>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 80, not really sure.
--Details:
He died when visiting another country
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of a life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was fine as I didn't know them, but my mum's reaction to the death
terrified me as she was crying a lot
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was a relative who I hardly knew
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I was messed up
--What I think my (ENGLAND) culture needs to better learn about death is:
My culkture doesn't bother me. i think at the end of the day
it's down to the individual on how to cope and react to something
like death. Religion may paly a part, as it gives pople hope and
an explanation.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I was able to go to another country and meet so many other
people who I would never have met, and who made my time there
enjoyable, as the main reason I was going there was to a funeral
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Having my cousins there to be able to talk to, as we were all
related to my granfather. I think I didn't get hardly any support
from friends, probably because they didn't know what to do, and my
school, thoguh they knew, decided to pretend nothing had happened,
so I didn't receive any support from there either.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
accepting it
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
THAT HE WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM US
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
GET UP AND LEAVE, JUST MOVE AWAY FROM EVERYTHING SO THAT NOTHING
CAN BOTHER ME
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
BEING AROUND OTHER PEOPLE, i WANTED TO BE ALONE ALL OF THE TIME,
BUT THEN i WOULD THINK ABOUT IT ALL AND GET DEEPLY UPSET
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i'VE DREAMT THAT MY GRANFATHER CAME BACK TO A SPECIAL BUILDING WHERE
ALL OUR FAMILY WOULD MEET. hOWEVER i KNEW IT WAS HIS SPIRIT AND ONE
OF MY UNCLES WAS WITH ME. MY UNCLE WAS IN DESBELIEF THAT THIS WAS
ACTUALLY HAPPENING, BUT MY GRANDFATHER'S SPIRIT SPOKE TO US. LATER
HE TOLD US THAT HE HAD TO GO HOME, BUT WHEN I SAID TO HIM THAT U
R AT HOME, HE REPLIED THAT HIS HOME WAS NOW IN THE OTHER COUNTRY
WHERE HE HAD PASSED AWAY. ANOTHER TIME, MY GRANFATHER RANG ME
FROM THIS BUILDING AND IN MY DREAM HAD A SPLIT SCREEN IN IT, WHERE
i could see my grandfather smiling as he spoke tome on the phone.
Once again I was shocked that this was happening, but as the dream
progressed I realized my grandfatehr did not actually know that
he was supposed to be dead, and I felt that i should tell him but
I think I didn't. Another time, we were all leaving my house,
and piling in to a van, when my granfatehr pulled me aside. I knew
that he was dead, but he told me to tell my mum where she could find
some photos. It seemed really important to tell my mum this place,
but what the significance of the photos were I'm not sure.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT OFTEN AND ONE OF THE MAIN THINGS THT UPSETS
ME IS VISIONING MY FAMILY'S REACTION TO IT AS I DON'T THINK THEY'LL
BE ABLE TO COPE WITH IT
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
every night I say a pray for my grandfather
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
SOMEONE OTHER THAN A MEMBER IN MY FAMILY, WHO WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME
THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK AND PAUSE AS MUCH AS I WANTED, AND TO JUST
SIT THERE AND LISTEN, NOT NECESSARILY SAYING ANYTHING BUT JUST BEING
THERE WITH ME, AND HUGGING ME NOW AND THEN WHEN I WANTED TO BE HUGGED
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
DID U EVER FEEL ALONE AT ALL DURING YOUR GRIEVING PROCESS?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Dec 9 16:31:26 1999
F21 in Toronto, =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: Internal bleeding; Aged: 79.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a new beginning.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and then prayed.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My mom's boss' wife died.I forget how. We
were very close.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I didn't cry at all.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
They treat death as joining the dead. I see death as truly joining
the living.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I've never seen death occur in person.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Prayer.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
She wasn't there when I wanted to be near her.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
want to die.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Grandma was in the hospital that last week.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I'm happy she died.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to her more often.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
when she talked to mom and moaned in pain and agony.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
just sat there thinking.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Dec 8 17:40:17 1999
F26 in manchester, =great britain=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 10 ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 46.
--Details:
jumped from a high rise block. suffered with mental health problems
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
falling asleep forever.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
nearly died of a broken heart.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... two relatives committed suicide within a
month of each other. one was particularly close to myself
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the chapel of rest, dead body
--What I think my (great britain) culture needs to better learn about death is:
should be about celebration of a life
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing. Maybe his pain ended.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not knowing why?
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i saw the dead body.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye and i love you
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i agree, sometimes i still cry
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
i can not acknowledge death as i fear it
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
rubbish
--Religious Affiliation:
roman catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
if your buried the worms eat you
--Regarding MONEY:
we got in debt for the funeral, still can not afford a headstone.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the coffin going in ground and the thought of a decaying body.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i do not like thinking about it
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i would be pettrified and devastated. human existance is confusting.
We are born and eternally dying from then on.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
visiting the grave & lighting a candle in church
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i never want to experience suicide again.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
no notes left about why?
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
that the situation was out of my control
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Dec 7 13:55:31 1999
F38 in calgary, albertac =canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: FIRE RESPONSE
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: stroke, and then the big one; Aged: 73.
--Details:
he was just a good family friend. Our families were always together
growing up.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of a span lived here on earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was numb, as was all who knew the person. we were all very sorry
for her husband. She was only 21.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...girl i knew since a young girl got
married. Nice wedding. Three months later at 21, she died suddenly.
she was buried in her wedding dress. It had quite the negative
impact on me. That picture of her in the casket didn't leave me
for a long, long time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
never, never, never view a person in a casket. It is tacky to leave
it open during the funeral. Remember a person the way they were
in life.
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
humans make 2 mistakes in death. They always feel bad that they
didn't do more, say more, love more, acknowledge more, when the
person was alive. They also tend to make up for this guilt by
having the most expensive farewell - funeral. mortician ALWAYS
make the loved one look like a clown...they have to learn to tone
down on the makeup.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a girl i worked with, when i first met her rubbed me the wrong way.
She cared for her boyfriend while through terminal cancer.
She was very good throughout that time and very brave. He died
with dignity and she was always by his side. I realized i
misjudged her and told her that. After that we became closer and
shared many stories. She died tragically 2 summers ago....I was
always happy for the example she showed me...and that i took the
iniative to get to know her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I haven't lost a parent to death yet. Not even a close friend.
However, I have lost friends due to the end of a love relationship
or having them move away. Friends and being able to unload
with them is so vital. ALso having friends that let you be weak,
cry, support you, listen, listen and listen.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never seeing that person ever again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let him talk to you....you just listen...just listen. if he
doesn't want to talk, just be with him watching tv, reading, going
to a park, driving around...anything to give them the feeling you
are there
--[My acquaintance's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
always acknowlege and verbalize the good things in people and tell
them that often.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
death doesn't confuse me....it frightens me - especially when i
think about losing my parents as we are all very close
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
never had that happen to me. An old boyfriend said he wanted to and
did do that at his fathers funeral. I think it was because he was
in shock and was taught never to let them - anyone - see you sweat
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
With one particular person I know well that is terminally ill...I
wish I can still have one last time to see him before he passes
on..but he doesn't want visitors
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I am thankful that I am able to do some practical things for
the terminally ill man's family. I think of things that I can do
just to help them out a bit. It probably won't hit them till the
dust settles. But I do care about them
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
when Sherrille died - the firefighters all stood in line - she
was not a firefighter - and as her casket went by them they all
saluted her. That, to me, was such a great sign of respect for her.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the cost of the funeral. What do they care? they are dead
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realise that at the time of loss - boyfriends , husbands the pain
i was going through was almost imobilizing. I see how far I have
come, and the strength I have gained. I know now i can put myself
in people with pains place....and I know what they are feeling.
the loss is indescribable.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why is this happening to me? what did I do wrong? am I being
punished?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
erase the years i knew the person and i wish i never met them.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
had a group of friends that i could talk about it with.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
in Calgary the nurses in our cancer hospital are specialized. they
are extremely gentle, thoughtful, and try and ease the discomfort
as much as they can for the patient and for the family.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a place to go and be to gain strength and clairty...and mostly
support
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
yes, i believe it is at that time that our spirit meets our creator
and we are either extremely relieved or extremely frightened.
--Regarding MONEY:
it was a means to eat, and have a roof over our head. maybe travel
to some nice places and get one or two nice toys
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
to some its an end to life to some it is a celebration of a new one.
depends on your view of the afterlife. for the loved ones,
i have heard over and over it is a day that not to many vivid
things stand out ...as in, it was all quite a blur
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the days between the time they were in the funeral home and buried
in the ground. I always feel that they can move anywhere and visit
anyone. that to me is spooky
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when the skins turns gray when they become fixated on speaking or
seeing someone that has already past, or an angel or even Christ...
loss of hope to go on an urgency to have the chance to see all
the loved ones one more time.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
in my case, i was not with the people as they passed from
life/death. My boyfriends sister was chatting with the patient
next to her father as he passed on. She didn't even notice that
he was dying, or dead for a few minutes.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i have heard that before from people and things i haver read
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i have heard that before from people and things i have read
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
how much i appreciated their friendship
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my good friend just recently said that she has had dreams of her
mother lately. her mom has been dead for 10 years. in the dream
they are having a casual conversation and her mother is telling
her that she should go ahead with what she has been contemplating.
My friend says she thinks her mother is trying to tell her
something - but she hasn't figured out what it is yet
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
remember the ailing persons quality not quantity of life. why see
them suffer when death is a given sooner or later
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
make sure all my t's are crossed and i's dotted. i have made peace
with people and said goodbye in the best way
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
in my german community after the funeral, we have a luncheon after
the interment. This is always surprised me because the last thing I
want to do is eat. Anyway there is an open mike time where friends
and family can share stories and impressions that person left with
them. It is good for the family and the grieving to hear....
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i try and cherish my friends - the ones i know really care about
me and try to do small things and favours for them. life is way
to short to wait for some other time
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
when sherrille died, it was sudden, and it brought the secretaries
i work with really close.....for a while
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
Enhancements: sweiss-at-gov.calgary.ab.ca
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Dec 7 11:27:51 1999
F37 in Huntsville, TX =US=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
I was in a page with links to surveys to fill out. This one sounded
interesting.
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Prof/Studies: Government Purchasing
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 12 ago.
Cause of Death: osteoporosis; Aged: 84.
--Details:
Her backbone collapsed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
renewal. Plants die off, young plants spring up in their place.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
ran from the room.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My dad changed the motor oil in a pan. He
left the pan in the back yard. I found a bird in it, completely
covered with oil.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Picking up my grandmother in my arms. She was always a very big,
tall woman and I am quite petite.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
accept that it is a natural process.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I had the chance to feed her in the hospital, about 3 weeks
before she died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I was a volunteer in a nursing home. The residents all signed a
card for me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
It was just a strange feeling knowing she was dead.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Learn everything you can from your grandparents, recipes, family
history,ect. No one else will be able to tell you and teach you
the things that your grandparents can.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I saw her watching me a few days after she died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Let yourself laugh, it is a great healer. Don't feel guilty about
healing or being "ok" with the death of a grandparent or sick person.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Ask her more about her life.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Get a recording of her voice and pictures the last year she was
with us.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The cars didn't process to grave. We just all headed down the
highway. They had her funeral in the funeral home. She was a devout
Christian. The funeral home chapel is where people go that don't
go to chuch.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
n/s
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I never cried. I still don't feel like she's dead.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I wouldn't have done anything different based on the knowledge that
I had at the time. I was 26 and just starting to appreciate her.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
n/a
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I wish she hadn't died.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
It still doesn't feel quite real to me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They did everything they could and then some. The doctors and nurses
were very kind. They didn't treat her like she was disposable just
because she was old.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Her funeral should have been in a church. When she told her pastor
that she was ready to die, I knew it was close.
--Religious Affiliation:
Current-Episcopal, Brought up in the Baptist church
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Fairly accurate
--Regarding MONEY:
My aunt disrespected my grandmother by not funeral procession to
the grave. My filthy rich uncle didn't want to leave his trip in
Spain so he had them video tape the service.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
There were not very many people considering how well known and
powerful she had been in her lifetime.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I didn't recognize my sister when she came in and went to view
the body.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I had good feedback about her condition. I've counseled my friends
since then who are losing grandparents on what to expect, ect.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
There are several stages of grieving but don't expect to finish
one and go to the next. You will feel all of them in random order
and more than once. Let yourself grieve but don't make a hobby of
it. Death is a natural process and you shouldn't give up your own
life just because this other person has completed thiers.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
unknown
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
She was a big nag. She criticized me a lot growing up. I talk to her
up in Heaven. She has apologized to me for being so critical. Now
that she is There, she understands better why I was like I was as
a child.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have seen her several times. She has been in my life a lot lately
and then I won't hear from her in months.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have changed my religious preference from the one I was brought up
in as well as living in a long term alternative relationship. The
thought of parents not respecting our wishes is a very real threat
to us.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I want to live a long life with few regrets. If I should go sooner,
I want my significant other to fall in love right away. I don't
want her to feel pain for me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
One of my friend put her picture in a bookend for me. (She was a
retired schoolteacher). I also have a little glass dog that was on
her dresser. Sometimes, I just need to go pick it up and hold it
for a while.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have made sure I sent Christmas cards to every family member,
every year. Even the ones I don't talk to. It opened up the lines
of communication and I've started hearing back from them.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
My mother came out and buried it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
Death should be treated more like a normal part of life, like birth,
eating, ect.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I didn't. I tried to be strong for other people. I actually felt
kind of important at the funeral since I was a family member.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think it is good to get ones feelings out. I think about my
grandmother more at this time of the year and I found this helpful.
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Tue Dec 7 08:56:04 1999
F20 in Portland, Maine =USA=
Name: Cheri
Email: <cmgaudet-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Yahoo! search
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Prof/Studies: musician
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: brain aneurism; Aged: 60-65.
--Details:
Grandad actually survived the aneurism, but died soon after surgery.
His memory was failing him and he was in and out...he could hardly
remember the faces of his family. He had a special nickname for
me that I absolutely HATED! It was so dumb, and embarrassing!
But it was the only thing I wanted to hear when I saw him for
the last time, and the first thing he said when he saw me was,
"Hi Chacharri!" I almost started bawling! But I made a deal
with him after he died - I knew he wouldn't want me to cry, so I
promised I wouldn't cry if he would be there at every major event
of my life. Well, he was there for my high school graduation, and
many, many times before and after that. He's always in my heart,
and I haven't shed a tear since I made that promise. I hope he's
the first person I see when I go to heaven!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the point at which the body is no longer fit to hold the spirit.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
could hardly believe that it could happen to me.
--That first time, how it happened was
A cousin of mine, who was much older than me, was killed in a
car accident. I didn't know him at all, but it's the first time
I remember someone in my family dying.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the inability of my mother to control her emotional outbursts.
I thought she would be comforted by God, but she wasn't.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
realize that it is a natural part of LIFE.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
every time I think of Grandad, he gives me a warm feeling in my
heart, and I know he is thinking of me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
GOD.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
realizing that Grandad's body was only a part of who he was, and
he is still very much alive in spirit.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
We weren't sure if Grandad was going to make it or not. I kind of
wished that everything would just have gone one way or another a
lot sooner.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk with him more during his life. He was a wonderful, strong,
and steadfast man who had overcome a lot of obstacles to succeed.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
hear him call me by my nickname - I wished for that so much!
He hardly recognized my mom, but he remembered my face and even
his special name for me! I will always treasure that moment,
holding his hand and talking with him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
thanked God for the privilege of having such a wonderful grandfather.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. It was my personal faith in God and relationship with
Him that saw me through this.
--Religious Affiliation:
Born into Roman Catholicism, now no longer affiliated with any
denomination of Christianity.
--Regarding MONEY:
it taught the women in the family to actively participate in the
family finances. Apparently, Grandad's favorite financial filing
cabinet was his head, and that was lost as soon as the pains of
the aneurism set in.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
open casket is NOT the way to go.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Seeing Grandad in his casket on the day of the funeral and he was
wearing a toupee - most of his hair was shaved off for surgery -
it just didn't look like him!
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
All I remember is lying in my bed one night saying my prayers, and
talking with Grandad and making that promise to him, that I wouldn't
cry if he would be there for me later in life. I thought I heard
his voice, but whether I fabricated that myself or not remains to
be seen. At any rate, I knew I was talking with him.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I praise God every time someone dies - it's a terrible loss for us
on earth, but a wonderful gain for heaven.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
I haven't really dealt with the death of someone extremely close
to me, but in dealing with death as an issue by itself, my fear of
death has kept me from confronting it.
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Mon Dec 6 17:31:13 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
via www.google.com
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
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Mon Dec 6 09:56:40 1999
F25 in Sacramento, CA ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Research on death and dying for a paper
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: traffic accident; Aged: 22.
--Details:
Please see the above.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our bodies stop working.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was horrified. I woke up screaming, needing to know that somewhere
she was ok.
--That first time, how it happened was
A friend I loved very much and had seen the week before went
to a party. On the way home, she fell asleep in the back seat.
The driver also fell asleep. When he woke up, he overcorrected,
and she (not wearing a seatbelt) was flung out of the back window.
She died on the freeway
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how no one seemed to understand how upset I was. After the first
death, two more came on within about six weeks. It seemed there
was no end of the people leaving. It was horrible.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to talk about it. I'm _very_ aware of mortality now, because my
mother has a very devastating form of cancer. These days I refuse to
waste time doing things that I don't care about. If I die tomorrow
or in 2040, I want to know that I did the things that mattered to me.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I was able to see Tiffany the week before she died. I hadn't
seen her in months, and it seems providential that we happened to
get together right before her death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
that people who loved me let me talk about her, and helped her to
remain very much alive in memory.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that nothing in my own life seemed to matter. I couldn't get up
and go to school, couldn't go to work...none of it seemed at all
important.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't try to talk. Just be with them.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
still talk to her. She had so many positive points, and brought
out good things in me and in others. I want to still have those
things brought out.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the first night.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
listening to music that reminded me of her was the best idea.
I even listen to the music we played at her memorial all the time.
She would like that.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
know her better.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know her at all.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I realized that her family had had to choose whether to have
a viewing, because part of her face had been demolished by the
accident.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
whether or not God would take care of her. Tiffany always took
care of herself. It didn't even seem like a question.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize that losing my mother to cancer is right around the corner.
I can't imagine life without her.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't do this. I really think it's dangerous.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that so many people seem to be shielded from the strength of these
emotions.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hide. Crawl under the covers, turn off the phone, and ignore
everything.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried and was pissed off at everyone and everything.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
that doctors have a different goal than family members. We are
trying to keep my mom alive, but not at the expense of the quality of
her life. They don't seem to care as long as she's still breathing.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I've had no contact with hospice yet. All care has been at home.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
absolutely nothing. What a layer of bullshit.
--Religious Affiliation:
My family (including parents and all extended family) is Catholic.
I was baptised Mormon a couple of years ago, but left the church
when I realized how many little pieces of the religion they'd left
out before baptism. I honestly believe that churchgoing is about
people, not about God.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like something that I would desperately like to feel, but don't.
--Regarding MONEY:
it hasn't as of yet.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people loved my friend.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
With Tiffany, the friend who died, there weren't a whole lot of
issues. With my mom, who is dying now, there are tons. She was
in therapy years ago, and I'm in it now, so we have worked most
things out. Our relationship has changed tremendously since she
became ill, but it has been for the better.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
When my friend died, there was another friend who was very, very
close to her. His own mother had died of cancer about a year before.
He kept seeing Tiffany in dreams, where she aged naturally and they
could have conversations.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Always, always, get everything in writing. The family or loved
ones may not honor what you've asked for, but at least they'll know
what you wanted. Everyone, no matter what age, should have a will
at least. In California, where I live, a living trust is also a
good idea. I have it in writing that I am _not_ to be kept alive
as a vegetable, draining family and friends.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
The best I can hope for is that it is quick and relatively painless.
I have a horror of contracting one of the many diseases (cancer,
diabetes, heart disease, Alzheimers) that are killing off family
members like flies. I don't think I would be willing to put up
with an extended death...I've seen too much.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I talk to her as if she's alive. Not in a bag lady, crazy person
kind of way, but something of her is inside me, so it seems to
make sense.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
After the three deaths, I stopped paying much attention to the
things in life I'd been focused on. It took a long time to start
caring about them again. Then I broke my back in an accident, and
three months later my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I took care
of her for four months through chemo, radiation, and a 60-pound
weight loss. These days, I do whatever I want to do. Not in the
flighty, child-like sense, but whenever something doesn't make me
happy, I leave it and move on. I want to know that my time is
going to important places. I volunteer for the American Cancer
Society and have left my job.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
While taking care of my mom, I met someone who had cared for her
grandmother until the g'mother died of cancer. We share a lot of
similar experiences, and became very close friends. It's been much
harder, though, to try and put that friendship on another level,
that doesn't focus around death and constant crisis.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
It seemed so unlikely.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Undemanding company (in other words, they don't ask you to talk,
or think, but just to be) is the best thing.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was good. I'm upset again about my mom, but that's a pretty
familiar experience. If I don't learn to live with it now, it sure
as hell won't be easier when she dies.
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Sun Dec 5 20:50:55 1999
F20 in philadelphia, pa =usa=
Name: mari
Email: <maricake-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
other
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Prof/Studies: cna, student for geriatric psych.
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More personal info:
none
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
psychology of adulthood and aging
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
janet belsky, not recommended at all!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: heroin od and hung self; Aged: 18.
--Details:
kids play with drugs to be cool or escape a harsh life, they then
get sucked in and many die, 4 of my friends already.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a journey into a new life. our soul leaves the body. it will get
stuck on earth until a new destination is assigned, a new body or
whatever. everyone has a different belief but what we all know is
the heart stops and so does the body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad. i got over it quickly by the help of angels, strong belief
in them.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a friend died. then a grandparent. then
more friends.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
i stopped partying hard. the person was a friend and died in another
friends' arms, that person is still on strong drugs.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
everyone goes through it, some young some old, do not take life
for granted
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i came close a few times starting at age 3, then trying it
myself. god takes us when we are ready. or science. whatever is
true but we don't go unless we are ready. we all need to learn this.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
eliz. k. ross's book on death and dying. i love to help others and
comforting words from your own mouth we should listen to more often.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
going to visit them at the graveyard and missing them on holidays.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell them that they are appreciated and always will be and that
they will live on somehow, somewhere
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to cope.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was young and people said, 'just think that they went on a journey'
well as a kid i thought, 'what kind of journey makes people cry
and mourn for years?'
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is scared and nervousness, do it at every funeral no matter how
saddened i am.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
stop suicidal tendencies
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell the people that i loved them, never to early but always to
late some say.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i work in retirement homes, the phase and stages of death of loved
ones and self
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what is in the will, who really cares
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see something or someone that brings on memories
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
the same as before
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the young and innocent die so often without a chance to live
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back in time and see them again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried, normal human response. then kicked a wall then felt guilt,
then got over it then prayed to them
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disbelief, mad with hospice care.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
uck! learn to do a job and do it RIGHT!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
love
--Religious Affiliation:
roman catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
the angels watch over each and every one of us, nomatter who we
are inside
--Regarding MONEY:
i can't stand greed
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the family of the lost one
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
getting mad, noone hurt anyone. nature is what we should be mad at
and we don't get mad at it
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
reaching out for help
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
life is like a cacoon, death is a beautiful butterfly
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
noone had it yet some know they will die within a few days or hours.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i have noone believes, let us put it this way. i was 3 and saw my
guardian angel. i almost passed from a grand mal seizure
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
could i have helped to stop that one suicide i will never
forget? noone can help but me. why not? i am a psych student for
geriatrics and death and dying
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
if we are open, we can talk to them in our hearts' always.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i would have to write a book. spirits are alive, more so on earth
than humans. when we are open to it, we see and it is nice
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
nothing
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i want to have a funeral with open casket then burned and spred
over the ocean. then i want not a person to cry but to laugh and
dance like i want them to.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talking to that person before going to sleep and telling them in
prayer how i feel
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i tell people that i love them as often as necessary. i don't take
anything for granted
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
nope, never.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
study of eliz. k. ross
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i hugged them if i felt words in my heart need be said i said them
but little words should be used in helping
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it didn't.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
none
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Sat Dec 4 22:17:44 1999
F23 in port monmouth, nj =usa=
Name: karen rutt
Email: <rutterbtr-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
web search for death and spirituality
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Prof/Studies: office asst, social work
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: who knows for sure???; Aged: 58.
--Details:
see above
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--Death Is:
a time of deep sadness and strange rituals. we display the bodies
and pretend that it doesn't bother us to see a loved one in a coffin!
After we bury the body we all hang out and talk about all the
momories that are supposed to help us. We then go back to the
cemetary over and over again to talk to the person who has died
and we just keep grieving
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wanted to die too.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my father's death three months ago. It was the roughest thing
that I've gone through. He had several strokes, was diabetic, etc.
This summer he went in the hospital for an infected toe. He got
two toes removed and was sent to another hospital for an arterial
bypass to get blood back to his foot. Upon arrival they decided
that the bone was infected and had to remove his leg. He had some
kind of reaction to the morphine and wouldn't wake up. Htey gave
him narcan to snap him out of it but he was hallucinating all kinds
of things. A few days later the doctor is dialysis screwed up and
gave him valium which stopped his breathing. He started breathing on
his own again but he got worse and we put him back on a ventilator.
He never snapped out of it and we brought him closer to home hoping
that would help him get out it. It didn't work and he had to take
him off. It really pisses me off that doctors are such assholes
with people's lives.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mom not delaing with it, my sister and brothers taking it very
badly, wanting to die because it all hurt so much but being surprised
that i put on a damn good show about it all
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is the most painful thing that one can go through. There is
no time limit for grief and people should understand that. Don't
remind me that my father is dea because I remember that every day.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that father and I actualy got along while he was dying. I just wish
i could have done that while he was still well so i could know for
sure that he forgave me and he knew i love him
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking and drinking with my best friend
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
dealking with the guilt of all the horrible, selfish things that
i did, things i never said or did, knowing that i'd never hug him
again and cant remember when i last told him i loved him before
the hospital
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just hold their hands and tell them that you love them. Don't rush
the time even though you just want it to be over. remember that
once it over, you;ll want even that sad time back with the person
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
loved my father more than i thought. i was able to not be selfish
and help him for once
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i realized that he was dead. I realized that i wanted it to be
over but i didnt want him to be gone
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him that i loved him when he was "healthy", hugged him, kissed
him, just talked to him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
smile and prented that i was thrilled to burying my father
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
listening to songs, driving down a road, seeing my house,
the cemetary, the funeral home, the hospital, the clother i
wore.... pretty much anything
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i think we'd still be fighting and wisheing eahc other dead but i
would rather have his words hurting than not have him here with us
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had to go before i could tell him that i loved. i wanted
to be what he wanted me to be, i wanted him to be proud of me and
i don't know that he is
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
complete disgust that the doctors who treated my dad are alive,
let alone practicing medicing.
--Religious Affiliation:
techinically methodist but not really practicing
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
knowing/hoping that someone or somehting is taking care of your
loved one
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how much i wanted it all to be over and how much i resented my
coworkers coming to the funeral when they didn't know my dad
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that my dad;s death was sortof liberating, that we aren't at wach
other's throats all day
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
heart beat to speed up and respiration down (or maybe the opposite)
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
talk about it all the time, cry all the time, drink all the time
and try to move on. it will get a little easier but it will always
eat at your soul
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i hope that my dad had this. i wouldn't want him to be alone
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I need to believe that my dad knew that I loved him no matter what
i said or did. I need to know that my dad was ready to go and
that he had given up. I need to know that we waited long enough
for him to come back to us and that he was tired of fighting.
I need to know that we didn't kill him. I need him with me
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
after my dad's death i had a dream that he was sitting on the couch
and holding three pieces of paper. He said that he had three things
to tell me. My brother said that he was thinking of my dad and
then he heard him whisper something in his ear. i just want to
hear something.....
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
respect their wishes... no matter how hard it is. My dad was so
afraid of being a "vegetable" and that's how he ended up.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i want to be with my dad
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i've become closer to my two best friends who i tried not to rely
on I'm always trying to be the strong one and i showed a truly
vulnerable side to them
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Alcohol
drinking and talking to people have hlped but it hurts a lot
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Keeping Busy
i started working and going to school full time so I never had to
deal with it totally until now
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It opened wounds that I hadn't had to deal with in a couple of weeks.
Hopefully it'll help me deal with this a little better
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Fri Dec 3 22:58:02 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Looked up contests/questionars and clicked on Psychology and
found this
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 4 ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 80 ?.
--Details:
It was very drawn out. I acctualy had to leave for camp knowing
she would prob die while i was gone and she did. But it was almost
a relefe because she had been so sick. My sisters (who also went
to the camp) and I said our goodbyes befor we left.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
An ending to our lives. When our spirits move on to another
place.....my personal belief being Heaven
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I'm not sure exactly what the question is asking but i guess I was
upset and I didn't understand Why.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Fathers best friend died in an accedent. (Electrocution) Our
families were very close. It took a while to hit me because i was
so buizy helping to keep his children ok.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
having a feeling of relefe almost because of my greatgrandma being
sick for so long
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
?
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Grandma wasnt' in pain any more!
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My parents and Grandma and remembering the good things from
our past.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Missing her,
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with her
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say goodbye
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cryed but was glad at the same time because of her pain
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Our families really pulled together. We are the same religion that
was a major comfort
I wasn't alowed to view the body (go to the funeral)
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Fri Dec 3 17:59:14 1999
M69 in buffalo, missouri =dallas=
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Prof/Studies: retired postmaster
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More personal info:
i dont care
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 64 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: dont know; Aged: 23.
--Details:
no
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the body is gone but the spirt lives on.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
i was 5 yrs old
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mother when i was 5.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
her in the casket and i was trying to get her up.
--What I think my (dallas) culture needs to better learn about death is:
dont turn your head from it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my catholic faith
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
grandmother and my faith
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
they never spoke of her or told me what she was like.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
loved her but i never did know her.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
never happen.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
know her and love her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know i will see her again.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
funeral mass
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
pray for the dead.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
think of how young she was.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it would be great.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she was gone and i had a father who did not seem to care for
her. this i can never forget.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
will face up to it and look forward to it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
she was born at the wrong time.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
real good.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
trying to get her up.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
never happen.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
pray
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
pray for her every day.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
i just know i will see her in the end.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
my father never spoke of her or showed any love to me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
no
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Fri Dec 3 07:48:14 1999
F27 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: education
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: murder; Aged: 35.
--Details:
his body was found in a river. Drugs and bad deals were involved
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the body goes cold and the person who was once there is no
longer there. It is the end, no coming back or very final.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand how final for me it was
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my great grandmother. She was very
old and died while i was there waiting on my aunt to get there. My
grandmother was also there.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
is the photos the police took and the other parts of the
investigation and how we don't appreciate life.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
i don't know, Just that human life is very valuable
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
When i give support to others
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the way it happened
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
being there for a live person
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
He was like my big brother and I loved him dearly. I want people
to know that life is very important. Stop making bad choices with
drugs If you deal or do drugs there are only 3 things that can
happen in your life 1. YOU QUIT 2. You go to jail 3. YOU DIE!!!!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
That, the person who use to laugh and cry, think and play does
not anymore.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see him more often
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
looking at old photos of the family or telling stories about funny
things that have happened in the past
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
not so much disrespect for the police, because they did a really
bad job on the investigation
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
all the time when someone young dies those feeling are always there
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I'm not sure it will ever be real to me even after having the mud
and crap all cleaned off of him at the funeral he still appered to
be smiling almost mocking all of us
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
if its your time, noone can help (or change things)
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the thought of one day being able to see these people again
--Regarding MONEY:
it cost more to die than it does to be born.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The people are very selfish durning times of emtional stress.Goi
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Going home
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
IF you don't have to veiw the body in that stage don't remeber
them before, think about the good things about that person
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
We don't know who was with him
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
About 2-3 months after his death In a dream he and my grandmother
visited me. He was smiling, with open arms grandma was just standing
behing him. He had his hair which he had started to loss when he
was a teen. It was warm and free feeling. After that things have
been easier for me. Its like he was happy and telling me everything
was great to let things go. So i did.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
be nice to all the people who are hurting. think of the living not
of the dead, because those are the people who will care
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I wouldn't want to know I was going to die I don't think I could
"live" if I knew
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I cry when I'm alone. Normally not around other people
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Thats how i learned to cope with death. Even in the 4th grade when i
lost my grandmother I would be the strong one only griefing alone. I
knew other people were hurting they didn't need to worry about me,
I wanted them to feel better.
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Fri Dec 3 03:12:29 1999
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 25 ago.
Cause of Death: gunshot; Aged: 42.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
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Thu Dec 2 19:47:45 1999
M19 in Cebu, Cebu =Philippines=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
just lookin' for important articles to my research
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Prof/Studies: Student, Psychology
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More personal info:
Post my answers using my email address.thnx
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 1 year + ago.
Cause of Death: road accident; Aged: unthinkable.
--Details:
When someone gets hit by a bike i wouldn't think it was serious,
it could just be some minor injuries. Her death opened my eyes
to reality, it could be fatal too. We weren't that close but I
somehow care a lot. She had a lot of potentials and i thought of
the waste. Somehow, her death saved my life in some way too. If it
didn't happen to her, I could have died instead, and I'm thankful
that I'm still alive.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something I fear because I am uncertain what happens next. It is
a reminder that we have a life, and that life is short.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was already at peace as I have accepted the reality that it is to
come soon to him. But when another came 11 months after, I wasn't
ready, I felt Guilty of what happened but thankfully there were
emphatic people around
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...actually it's not the first death but one which
followed a few months after. The first was my grandfather's death
but i've already accepted that even before he died. 11 months later,
a friend of mine met a road accident and I was with her. I thought
it was minor, however she died and I couldn't believe it. I felt
guilty about not being able to do anything that would be of help.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The time when we were about to cross the pedestrian lane. Sensing
it would take a little more time we preferred to walk through the
middle of traffic and when she got hit, I realized how stupid I was.
--What I think my (Philippines) culture needs to better learn about death is:
learn to accept it and learn to let go of the negative feelings
and cope with death better.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
an acquaintance's death has saved my life that's why I'm still
living until this moment.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My group therapy course in university. It provided me the chance to
release my feelings and energy and helped me realize things which
I haven't. It propelled me to accept the reality and let me learn
how to look into other things other than fixating in the painful
experiencing.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I haven't done anything when in fact i could really have done
something. I felt so guilty to her family and most especially to
her closest friends.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Sometimes, we have to go through certain painful processes for us
to learn things we should have. Experiencing opens our eyes to the
realities of existence. Cherish that moment and don't take it as
a hindrance to actualizing your potentials.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have grown from the experience becoming more mature, responsible
and more tolerant of the realities of existence.It has given me
much strength to move on in times where I found it so hard before
the experience such as going thru grief.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized one person wouldn't make a difference anyway, I mean we're
all going to die. Hers just happened a little earlier. Sometimes
I ponder we should not have been too attached. Showing others we
care must have been enough.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
There are other good things in life. It did help keep me sane not
to focus too much on the death.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
grab her and prevent the accident
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
firstly, be alive. For keeping my sanity and for being able to
move on.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The good feeling after going thru the grief. I felt so relieved.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Being together that time. You see there were no strings attached
but people began to think about a lot of things but it was not
really a big deal at all.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
people remind me about things I wouldn't have thought, it irrates
me but I'm starting to understand.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It wouldn't matter, we will still be good friends, I mean we never
had any misunderstandings, arguments and I enjoyed being with her.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
She didn't deserve it.But it wasn't my choice or her choice anyway.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Get over it all, things which remind me of it, the lawsuit, her
father, her family even her best friend.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and tried desperately to look for support. The cigarettes
were there, and when I was done with it, there were people around
me who would have to bear with my irrate mood. But later, I realized
I couldn't afford to stagnate and so I went on living.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I just hoped for the best to happen. I don't really know if it
happened that way. I couldn't put the blame on anyone, not even to
mysekf, her, the hospital staff or the driver.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
unapplicable
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Something that as of the moment would provide answers to the doubts
of our existence and the uncertainties we undergo.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic, ever since I was born.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
confusing, I don't know if I have to believe in it. It shouldn't
matter to me anyway.
--Regarding MONEY:
It really did not matter.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was not even in the funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
disbelief
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
no idea, my experience caught me unaware.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
start reflecting about the other good things than just being fixated
to the event of death. Think of the things that will help you cope
when the time comes.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
They said there were premonitions but Inever experienced or saw it
in her.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I am accident-prone and I don't deny Having met a lot of times where
I could have died but maybe I was just lucky enough to continue
living. I mean how many times have I been inches away from a trucks
bumper and just sighed after? It's funny but i can't help but go
on and give it a laugh. That should have been my understanding. But
paranormal? no idea.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
there was nothing, actually we were not that close yet.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
The weeks immediately proceeding the death, I usually find myself
in my room "talking" to her about how much I've cared, how sorry
I am and other things. It helped a lot.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I am a psychology major and I've learned dreams are but a
manifestation of the wishes which otherwise would have been too
painful to express in our conscious state. I've dreamt of my friend
too but I think it's because I wasn't over her death yet.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It doesn't matter, when we die we decay so what's the fuss all about.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'd rather not know the time of my death. Anyway I've accepted that
reality already, I'm going to die too.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Rational emotive therapy, Gestalt Psychotherapeutic intervention,
logotherapy. I just get people to listen to me and when I'm satisfied
I thank them. It helped a lot.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
At first I became extremely neurotic about following rules and laws,
no violations whatsoever but I eventually came back to my old self.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Very much, my colleagues in university, her closest friends. They
were there to provide me support and I began to see them as
significant to me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
I happened to be a psychology major and we were having group therapy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
I felt I could have done something
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Friends were with me. But there was one particular person that really
made a difference. We were seatmates in Biology that semester,(and
classmates for the first time.)but we really didn't talk much. At
the wake, she just put a hand on my shoulder and it felt good.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me go through some of the feelings again, alittle sober this
time however. It feels good to release some energy from my system.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
none, personally.
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Thu Dec 2 18:36:03 1999
M34 in adelaide, south australia =australia=
Name: wayne
Email: <waymos-at-pc1.tris.net.au>>
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Prof/Studies: myers
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More personal info:
how i can use my experiance to help others
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 18 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suiside; Aged: 54.
--Details:
He shot himself with .22 rifel in the head.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a sometimes shocking thing if you allow it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very numb and in shock
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the feeling of not properly using the time together a feeling
of waste!
--What I think my (australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
the effect it has it has on those left behind
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
when a person is about to die , to be able to hold the hand of
those they love is all important.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when i had to deal with the will of my dead fathers estate
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to ask my father many questions about life ,family and himself.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
to hold his hand before he died
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what other people would say about how he died , they wanted to lie.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
discust
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding MONEY:
i learned how money can make people go to any leanghts to get
that money
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how my sister was acting
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how it all seems so vague
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
how positive the mind is
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
to say sorry about how i just prior to his death i acted towards
him without respect
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
to say that my love for them is unchanged and what they did was
wrong but it was a forgiveable action
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
in dreams my father had come alive again & i would be trying to
make my family belive it was real & lasting
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
to continue the persons life goals & not to allow material things
to cause arguments in familys
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
that deep down i dont fear it as i realize it is not the end
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
a passion to learn about my family history and myself
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
with my step father however it makes me sort of rebel against him
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
great and enlighting
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Thu Dec 2 12:17:00 1999
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