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See Current contributions.
See May 99 contributions.
See Apr 99 contributions.
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Wed Jun 30 14:47:37 1999
F40 in Albany, NY =USA=
Name: Kathy
Email: <kathytagn-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 66.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the final and ultimate freedom.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my only living grandmother past away at the
age of 66.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
was praying for death to come and release her from the misery she
was living.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own beliefs and inner strength
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the thought of never seeing that person again in this life...
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
talk to them, let them know you're there
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with her. Gather my courage and let her know whow
very much I'd miss her...what she'd mean to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see the sense of serenity on her face at the final moment. To know
she was finally out of her hell.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
frustration. We were not keept informed as to what procedures were
being followed and why..
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that it's a shame that people can't see mt oget along even out of
respect for someeone who has passed.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
if I kept my focus on the fact that she would be happier once it
was ended, I could handle it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I had no visions, but as I said, I did see the sense of peacefulness
overtake her..how at ease she was..
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
that's a tough one...I have many issues of not being there...guilt
for not being a bigger part of her life. Where I turn for help with
this, I don't know.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell her how much I loved her and how sorry our relationship
hadn't been a better one. I would hope she would finally tell me
she loved me too.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I was health care proxy and when my mother was no longer able to
make her decisions...I was then called in. I was faced with some very
difficult decisions that didn't necessarily reflect the way I felt,
but more to the point, my mother's wishes. I was at odds with myself
over doing what I knew she wanted and doing what I thought to be
best for her. I had 6 brother's and sisters that all suggested we
do what we think was best. I was very torn. I knew I should resoect
my mother's wishes, yet it tore my heart out to think of doing
so. In the end, the choice was taken from me as she died before I
had to make it. I believe my God took the responsibility for that
choice from me because he knew just how difficult it was.
In my
opinion...perhaps family is not the best choice in a situation such
as this...they are too emotionally involved. Perhaps it would be
better to appoint a guardian of death if you will. Someone outside
the family to ensure that the wishes are carried out, as it puts
an added burden onto the already emotionally overwhelmed.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I knew I were to die soon...I would live each day as if
it were my last. I would let the people I care about know that
without a doubt. I don't want to leave this world with anyone ever
questioning what I felt for them and never being able to obtain
those answers. It's a very painful experience.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
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Tue Jun 29 16:04:14 1999
F20 in Paducah, KY =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 64.
--Details:
It was very sudden. The type of cancer was very curable and we
thought he was getting better. The suddeness was good because he
did not suffer, but bad because we were surprised.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A transition from one life to the next. A gateway into a glorious
kingdom.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad and emotional like nothing before.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my great-grandmother, she was very
old and we expected it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I would cry because of my loss, see some one else I love and cry
for them too.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It is an end to suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family members and my faith
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
accepting and understanding. I just expected him to still be home
when I went to his house.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I would have just spent more time with him.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I get upset and mad when other peopole survive cancer. I don't
understand how they could but he didn't.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Religion gave me an understanding.
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran.
--Regarding MONEY:
we never thought about money.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I felt isolated even surounded by people.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just say "I love you" I was afraid to say it because I
didn't want it to be goodbye. I know he knew though.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Tue Jun 29 12:04:36 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my great grandma died and i was 4 yrs. old-
but it didn't phase me at all. i didn't cry or anything. i did not
feel close to her- i was to young
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
My religion has helped me deal w/ death now a days.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Mon Jun 28 02:22:53 1999
F16 in Stigler, OK =USA=
Email: <true_baby-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Waitress(summer) 10th gd.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, October 1998 ago.
Cause of Death: car wreck; Aged: 15.
--Details:
IT was caused at an intersection by a pro-life picket.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a since of sadness and loss for us, but for them a since of
happiness.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
totally lost touch with the world and my feelings.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... April of 1998 i lost both grandpas one week
apart, a month later my great grandma, a few months late in early
October my b-friend died and 2 best friends. All in the same year.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The shock that everyone felt. I realy remember the numbness I felt.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's not a sin to pass away.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how it made me stronger and believe in all and to tell everyone
that I love them.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being with my big brother.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the pain of huting and felling of being abandoned.
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to remember the memories of the 2 yrs of being together
and just move on peice by peice, but never letting go.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first found out. Why did he have to leave that away?
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend tme with his mother.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
just kiss his forhead and walk on.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm sitting in my room listening to his favorite song. "Mama,
Don't Let You Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys."
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go beyond to be with him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
rocked back and forth and was nu,b. Then I cried for day off end.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support and lots of prayers.
--Religious Affiliation:
Penecostle/ Baptist
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
feiwing the body at the funeral.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Zoning Out
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
What was the first thing you thought after hearing the news???
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Sun Jun 27 22:50:37 1999
F34 in Merritt Island, Florida =usa=
Email: <dmestgdss-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: mother homemaker
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More personal info:
i witnessed my husbands murder, i had a 3 month old child as well
as a1yr old and 3yr old the man was never convicted and i think a
lot more happened that night than what i know
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
the bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, yrs4 ago.
Cause of Death: gunshot to the stomach; Aged: 42.
--Details:
it happened in front of me i watched it all, had the gunman point
the gun at me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a point at which no longer need your physical body so your spirit
releases your body so it can go on to another plane of existence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked, could not believe it had happened, was in denial
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a friend of mine was murderd by someone i knew
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how i felt so alone, as if everything was now gone
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to remember that the grief you feel is actually for yourself,
not the deceased.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how strong of a person it made me, eventually.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my childrens need for me to be there for them
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
how my husband was not going to be there for my kids and my kids
missing out on the experience of having thier father there for them
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen to what is said, what that person needs or wants not you
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to go on and deal with everyday life for my kids and to
be there for them
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was all alone and had no distractions and had to deal with
my feelings
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i never did that
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
yell scream or get help without leaving my husbands side or to
never let him leave the house in the first place
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get all the funeral arrangements made without any arguements
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i could tell what had happened without feeling like it was my fault
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think of how the man got away with murder. he never went to jail
for killing my husband
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i hope it would be a good life i wouldnt have to deal with dating,
at 34, with 3 young boys
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
for me to be left here to raise 3 boys all by myself
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go away too
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was really mad at my husband for leaving me with all the things to
do by myself
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did what they could do
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
knowing that God would take care of him now
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
our spirits have jobs to do and once they are done so are we
--Regarding MONEY:
we had none
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how helpful the funeral people were
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the legalities of it all
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it came in different stages
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i dont know
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
he could tell me why it all happened and if there were more to the
story than meets the eye
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i want people to remember all the funny things i did to make
them laugh
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i have made my peace and when it is my time i am ready, my only
regret is going to be my childrens grief
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
to talk about it in a group of older people who had thier spouses
for 30, 40 or even 50 years
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i shared my story with other widowed people
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it helped to solidify the fact that i can deal with this on a
normal level
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Sun Jun 27 12:57:55 1999
F19 in Oxford, MS =USA=
Name: Jessica Hanchey
Email: <jhanchey-at-olemiss.edu>
Web: http://WWW.olemiss.edu/~jhanchey
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: college student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 85?.
--Details:
simply died of old age (in his sleep, I believe).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our existance and interaction with each other on earth
and the beginning of everlasting life with God.
--That first time, how it happened was
Great grandmother...don't remember much...too young
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My best friend's cousin committed suicide during our first semester
at college. It was a big news event, since he was a pledge in
a fraternity. Hazing was involved, which only made the situation
worse for my friend and her family to deal with.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not finality but the transition between life on Earth and life
with God.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My friend's cousin attempted suicide on a Tuesday. Five days later,
he was still at the hospital, comatose and brain dead. When they
took him off the life support, death was a release from his pain
and suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my faith in God.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
it's your last chance to show that person how much you care.
Don't let it slip away.
--Religious Affiliation:
Southern Baptist
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Sun Jun 27 06:16:42 1999
F16 in London, =England=
Name: Ellen
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: High School
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Neighbor, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: natural causes; Aged: 80's.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the ending of our life, at which point our energy changes form and
we decay. It is not known where our "spirit" goes.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not know what to do.
--That first time, how it happened was
A neighbor had an accident and my father had to go in and deal
with her death as she had no family. It was quite traumatic as I
did not know what had happened and I did not get to see her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
denying it.
--What I think my (England) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it affects everyone differently.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I learned to say goodbye and appreciate the good things the person
gave me during their life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the knowledge that death is inevitable.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to see them.
--[My Neighbor's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
came to understand that death is just the end of life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
everyone else around me was busy and i had nothing to do.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her how much I appreciated her help and love.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
had to let go.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I just pushed it away
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
I didn't go to the funeral
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Fri Jun 25 19:03:02 1999
F14 in Melbourne, Victoria =Australia=
Name: Rebecca Reeves
Email: <stomp-at-start.com.au>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looked up tests and was looking at Physchology tests
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 11 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: blood clot in heart; Aged: 70?.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a person leaves you forever, until one day when you die you
go to be with them.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried alot and felt really bad.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my uncle was driving to the hospital because
he wasn't feeling very well, then he crashed into a tree after
having a blood clot in his heart or something
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
crying alot and remembering things
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing really
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the times i had with him, at least he didn't die before i got to
know him like I did.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
everything
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say how much I loved him.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm thinking about him
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i don't think I would be that much diffferent maybe I would be a
little more kind hearted.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they couldn't do anything he was already dead when any one got
to him.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I was too young
--Religious Affiliation:
I don't know what affiliation means but i'm a Baptist.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
all my family was there and were sad.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
On the same day 2 of my brothers crashed a car at our farm and were
hurt pretty badly.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
I cried alot then i remembered alot and cried more
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it wasn't really useful. sorry.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
some of the questions are too long and you just can't be bothered
watching them frankly.
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Thu Jun 24 12:55:23 1999
F21 in hattiesburg, MS =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Prof/Studies: student in psychology premed
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 years ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 72.
--Details:
she was unhealthy and did of the complete failure of all internal
organs simultaneously. Doctors never gave a medical diagnosis
except old age.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When someone leaves and never comes back physically.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't accept it at first, and busied myself with helping with the
funeral needs. This gave me a chance to let everyone else cry and
me to see how they grieved on order for me to pick the one that
seemed to work best for me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was..my grandmother died. She and i were very close
and she was getting older and more unhealthy and died after a week
in the hospital.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my grandmother's was the first and most recent. She had been a
major part of my life for the most important years. I felt as if
a little part of her lived on in me because she raised me and if
felt realy good to hear people say that. Her death caused my mom
to become more bitter and her and her brother to become closer
which is what i know my grandmother would have wanted to happen.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
everyone's life was important to someone and that it is not just
a good story for the noghtly news and the town gossips
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my mother and her brother's relationship becoming closer and bringing
our families closer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mom and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not having her constant and ever stong presence. She was the kind
of woman i wanted to be like. She showered those she loved with
praise and always told it like she saw it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
It is important not only for them but for the survivors as well in
order for the grieving to be easier
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was strong enough for my mom and uncle and aunt and all those who
just wanted to tell stories. I smiled showed grace and style even
when i did not think it was posssible ..It made me a stronger person
and more like my grandmother
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
acceptence
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was just the need to break the manotany of crying with some
other outburst of emotions that is equally asd strong
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to my grandfather about his feelings my grandmother
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
pick out what my grandmother would be buried in and how the funeral
would go. It gave me the distraction i needed and the ability for
my mom and others to grieve while everything was bieng handled
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
----
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
-----
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when i hear songs played at her funeral or think about her home or
go to the cemetaty or think about the fact that she will never meet
my boyfriend who i most likely will marry or when i think about my
future home and how i always said i would build a house with enough
rooms that she would live with me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
don't knowjust crawl into her lap and watch days of
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That she had to be in the hospital before she died adn not out
having fun eating, and talking with friends
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just crawl into her lap and watch days of our lives and eat greasy
hamburgers and drink her homemade milkshakes
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
i did not want to think about it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
complete nauseau. the doctors are so incompetant an darrogant and
so diinterested in those who are not of the upper crust. idecided to
be a doctor because of the fact that i am better than that
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
----
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the hope to see her again in heaven
--Religious Affiliation:
baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
the tie that binds
--Regarding MONEY:
my grandmother was less important even though she had spent many
years as a nurse
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there was so many people who thought so highlly of her. i always
hoped it waould be that nice at my own funeral
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
---
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i did not see any. She wore makeup and fixed her hair up to her
last day
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
they are long and hard.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
---
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
----
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
---
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i feel that i have made my peace and so had she. we will see each
other again in heaven
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
-----
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
my grandmother raised me. i knew her very well and i believe we
did want she would have wanted. she highlighted passages from the
bible and we read them at her funeral.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i would be alot nicer if i knew i were going to die. i would say
i love you to more people and do everything i always wanted to do
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i said good bye and we buried her and think about her and keep her
memory alive just by being alive an dtelling others about her
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i am going to be doctor due to her inadequate care
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
my mother's her brother's
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
make therm shorter
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Thu Jun 24 10:14:14 1999
F24 in MA
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: psychology
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
on death and dying, children's books, children's stories
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 13 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 41.
--Details:
she was in remission but it was hiding in her liver
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the physical body stops working and the soul is released
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was uncomfortable with the silence and seeing adults cry
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my aunt died of cancer when I was 12 years old.
I spent every Saturday with her for several years
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how I wanted to go on with my daily routine
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is an end that leads to another beginning
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends who did not know my aunt but came to the wake for my sake
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I was never going to see them again
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is the medicine for you soul; you need to take a daily
dose to remind yourself that YOU are still alive
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
really enjoy the times I had with her instead of insisting that I
did not need a babysitter
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
make christmas cookies with her every year even when she was going
through chemo
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I work with children who have cancer and leukemia...This children
have not had a chance to explore life and who they are before they
get a huge hurdle to jump over
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
daily prayers for the strength to accept what was happening
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
absolutely right
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how my friends came out to help me through this time
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she said that God really is good and died shortly after
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
my father's friend had a terrible death of dying because he watched
his father die a slow death as a child. My dad's friend went in for
oral surgery and was given a medication that he was allergic to.
His heart stopped and he reported that he was floating above the
room watching the staff work on him. He then saw a bright light
and was told it was not his time. When he woke up in the hospital
he could recount things that happened while he was unconscious.
he no longer has a paralyzing fear of death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Family and friends were suppotive as was my belief in God and
the afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
not knowing how to help my parents deal
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Wed Jun 23 08:45:32 1999
F54 in London, Ontario =Canada=
Email: <mmarmof-at-home.com>
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, yrs4 ago.
Cause of Death: respiratory failure ; Aged: 23 yrs..
--Details:
She had been disabled all her life by spina bifida and died of
some of the complications. Oddly enough she was considered to be
one of the "better" ones but something that the risk of usually
diminishes with maturity became worse as she ended her teens and
became an adult.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
leaving our earthly bodies and going on to a place where there is
no pain or disability and being in the same place as a supreme being.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
thought my world would end
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was..my father died of an aortic anurism at age
51. The worst was that I had a extremely strong premonition the
evening before, but of course told no one since I was only 15 and
how do you tell your parent that he is going to die tonight.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the look of absolute peace on my daughter's face and the sure
knowledge that she was with " the light" and yet still there with
us, and she still is.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not always an enemy to be avoided and sometimes is almost
welcome. Doctors need to realize that not all diseases should be
battled to the bitter end with all of modern medicine's machines when
they only serve to make the patient more distressed and won't do
anything to stop the inevitable.We All die some time and it should
be as calm, dignified and spiritual as possible without invasions
by doctors, machines or treatments.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The opportunity for all the family to be there as our loved one
died and to say all we wanted to her and her to us , her family.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My faith in God and the love of family, friends and collegues.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing her bouyant spirit and her sense of humour.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to be supportive any way you can even if only sitting there holding
a hand or just being wlth them.
--[My Daughter's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have used all I learned from her to be able to do palliative care
visiting and grief counselling.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
no confusion at all.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with her the last few days and nights of her life and to hear
her say one last time " I love you, mom." What a wonderful gift!!
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I fill out questionaires about my experiences with death.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
No I never thought that or asked "why us Lord" because life is
never fair in someones eyes and I know that its all part of a
master plan and we may never know some things. As our Lord said,
"be still and know that I am God."
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
there is a place for medical intervention and some places it
doesn't belong. They did all they could all my daughter's life
and if it hadn't for modern medicine she wouldn't have lived ay
all. But when the time came to sop the heroics they did all they
could to let her go in as much peace as possible.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
help, support and love and the idea the we on earth had done all
we could and now it was all in God's hands and that she was safe
in the arms of her Lord.
--Religious Affiliation:
active member of mainstream christian churchlike a lie
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like an invention of some people and especially the media that all
will go to heaven even if they haven't taken Jesus into their hearts
which we believe is the only path.
--Regarding MONEY:
not applicable
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the multitude of friends and others who said they could feel the
love of our family members and the love at the funeral service. Also
the knowledge that by her death our loved one had opened so many
hearts to contribute to a charity in her memory. This particular
charity told us later that her memorial donations amounted to more
than any other death they had received donations for.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
a sense of almost uphoria that it was all over and she was finally
free.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
general slowing of all motions eg. moving arms legs etc., more
sleepiness, feet and legs turning blue and an almost eerie calm or
quiet about the person.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
perhaps because of the circumstances I had already passed some of
the usual stages eg. denial, anger etc.and could focus solely on
the pain and sense of loss.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
not applicable.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
At peace.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
It think it is imaginations working overtime, and our feeble
attempt to hang on to the loved one. However I know that we can
feel her spirit in all we do, and she is not very far away. But
I do not beleive that one has to the power to re-appear to anyone
in a physical state. There was only One who could do that and he
was The Son of God., all the rest are only memories we recall of
the person being so strong as to make us believe we can see or
hear them again.
I expect this is one way of our minds trying to relieve the pain
of our loss.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
If I am sick before I die I don't want any useless intervention tried
if people know it probably won't work and might make my end more
miserable that is necessary. Therefore I believe that everyone should
have a so-called "living will" to be sure their wishes are followed.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Now that my daughter has gone before me I could die today and be
happy. Not that I have a death wish, because only God will decide
when it is my time, but death seems to be a friend rather a foe. This
did not happen when my dad died but only when my child died did I
feel like this. I have great calm about my mortality that didn't
exist before.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
No coping ritual except prayer but great comfort in palliative
care counselling.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
n/a
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
I grew up and had my own family and eventually maturity and time
eased the pain
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
my mother's grief and the idea that I could not add to her misery
by displaying mine
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I was able to reach out to some people whose loved ones were dying
at the same time and thus put my problems into perspective.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me to grieve somr more because I sat here crying the
whole time I filled it out.
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Wed Jun 23 05:56:00 1999
F47 in , =australia=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 42.
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--Death Is:
the ending of a relationship - great sadness hard to deal with
feelings of isloation and loneliness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
managed ok as I was too young to understand
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...grandparents
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
shock wondering how I would cope trying to be brave for my children
and family
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
knowing my husband will be in heaven and I will see him again
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
faith in God.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Having no one to come home to - the treatment in the hospital,
not knowing why it happend
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
birthdays and other celebrations, events in our life they will not
be part off
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
there would be less pressure on me, but I would not be ther person
I am today if my husband had not died
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that this has happend
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have died with him
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they were incompetent and dishonest - they ban together and would
have supported one another if legal action had been taken
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a great deal - my husband was a minister and we recieved support
from our church
--Religious Affiliation:
practising christians
--Regarding MONEY:
we did not have much but because of superanuation were able to buy
a home. money is still tight but we manage
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was for everyone else and if I had the opporutnity I would like
to do it differently
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
was comforting the police officers that came to the hospital after
my husbands death - and making sure friends and family were o.k.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it is an ongoing thing and may never leave you the cycle of grief
is always withyou
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
saying goodbye - writing a letter to my husband about 18months
after he died and saying goodbye, then tearing it up and throwing
into the wind
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
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Tue Jun 22 21:35:14 1999
F16 in Uniontown, PA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: high school student
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More personal info:
I've had some rough times. ALmost lost my father as well due to
a gun shot wound to the stomach he suffered in his line of work.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: automobile accident; Aged: 15.
--Details:
His friend was driving him home from a party and was drunk.
Hit a telephone pole going around a sharp curve at a high speed.
He was my twin.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
inevitable. Going to happen sooner or later, but hard to handle.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt lost and confused
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was, my mother had a heart attack. Three years
later, my twin brother died in a car accident with a drunk friend
driving.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the picture in the newspaper of the accident.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to be more sensitive to family
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
knowing that my brother and mother are in heaven and i will see
them someday.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my father, my boyfriend and his family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing i'd never see them again in this life. Missin their company
and love.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
make sure that you talk to the person about being at peace with
God and remind them that it isn't too late.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
worked to raise money and support for ending drunk driving and it's
useless killing of innocent ppl.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was at the funeral
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
NEVER HAPPENED
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my brother not to come home with anyone who was drinking
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
go to my boyfriend's family whenevre i needed to.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the priest read the 23rd psalm
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the coffin being put into the ground, it was a relief to me
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i'm really not over it yet
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would still have my brother and my mother, not really appreciating
as much as i do now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that it happened to him. he's so smart and nice
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
escape on a vacation like i have done before.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
started to cry and seemed unconsolable to others
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
respect
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that i knew my family members would be okay in the long run.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
dark and evil.
--Regarding MONEY:
no way at all.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the attendance of my brothers friends was high and s were relatives,
so was it for my mom
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
dealing with other ppl feeling sorry for me. i didn't want them
to feel sorry for me
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
THEY WERE SUDDEN DEATHS
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
had sudden deaths
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
had none, sudden deaths
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I was in good standing with both ppl
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would want to tell my bro that i love him and to take care,
and my mother the same
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I saw my brother in a dream. he looked like an angel and told me
to stop crying. it really helped me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
had sudden deaths
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
yes, i have thought about it. i pray every day about my death,
that i will be in heaven, that i won't die for a long time, too
much left to accomplish
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
praying a lot
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I worked a lot on setting up funds for helping those who had
the deaths of family from drunk drivers, and worked for the AMA.
appreciate who i have a lot more
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
not really
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
my boyfriend really supported me with my brother dying, and my dad
helped me with both
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
worked for AMA, spoke out against dui
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me want to cry all over agin, becasue i thought about it
so much. it was helpful
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Tue Jun 22 14:14:07 1999
F42 in Durham, Durham =England=
Name: Una McLean-Manning
Email: <una.mclean-manning-at-durham.ac.uk>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Searching for info for essay on death and dying
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Prof/Studies: Student Methodist minister
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 20yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cerebral haemorrhage; Aged: 53.
--Details:
Described above
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the ending of life in body terms. The body closes down and stops
functionning altogether - it is like going to sleep but never waking
up again. Some people believe very strongly that we all have a spirit
which lives inside us and gives us conscience and a sense of God -
the Spirit lives on after death and goes to be with God.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked and surprised and had a lot to deal with as I am an only
child and had to cope with all manner of arrangements surrounding
the death
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was on holiday with my parents - probably
the last we would have spent together - we had had a good day on
the beach and were getting ready to go back to the hotel. My father
suddenly announced he didn't feel well and lost consciousness. we
called the ambulance, he went into cardiac arrest on the way - I
helped with the CPR - but was DOA. I was left on an island holiday
with my mother who went into shock and then depression. It took three
futher years before I went through the grief reaction stage as I had
to deal with her and had just started a new job (my first promotion).
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The funeral director - a family friend - coming to the door in his
business clothing holding his bowler hat in his hands!
--What I think my (England) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is a beginning and not an end and so not to be feared
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the fact that we did have flowers at the funeral which meant the
grave looked good.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the space to be me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
everyone felt you should have got over it and could carry on as
normal even though the feelings caught up with me at unexpected
moments many times later
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them be them and love them all you can
--[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
could carry on and did manage things
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
there was the gap between the death and the funeral and I knew I
to carry on doing things but other people tried to be too nice to me
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was a good thing, not odd at all and a great release of deep
feeling.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
cry a little and a lot
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell mom all about the hospice before she went there and be present
at the deaths of both my parents
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
someone commented on my choice of clothing at my mother's funeral
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
solemn faces
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I want to share something good with my parents or talk over a
dim memory.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Both my parents would have been at my wedding, Colin would have
got on well with my dad and dad would have liked him and mom and
dad would have supported my career change
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I don't remember thinking this!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
pretend it hadn't all happened or have one of them back for a time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
started to build a wall around my emotions to protect myself
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
okay - but there again I am ex medical profession myself
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
The hospice were great the hospital naff!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Funeral rites of passage and a sense of hope for the future
--Religious Affiliation:
I am now training for the Methodist Ministry!
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
God is real and alive and immanent
--Regarding MONEY:
okay and manageable
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
okay and manageable at the time but we were firm about what we
wanted and could have said no if the need arose.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the emptiness and realising that I now hold the family memories
for our branch of the family.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
memories clarify and need to be shared, a sense of greater knowing
and intimacy, the ability to be silent with each other.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was a journey and companions are needed far longer than many
realise.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Nil until now 8 years after my mother's death when I was really
stressed out in the first term at college and she came and comforted
me. Someone suggested that God does send angels when we need them
and might do so in the form of one we love.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nil
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
went to a minister
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Dream as above.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
form of bruial / internment.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
This is not a rehearsal - we only have one life and I hope that
mine ends painlessly but in a hope for the future.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
nil
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
silly songs and silly stories were and are a family tradition.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
My friends (now my hisbands) minister led me through the grief
reaction by recallling all the evnts of the death, funeral and
beyond.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
My mother became depressed I had chnaged jobs and am an only child
with no other family support
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
longer and more space
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jun 22 13:41:14 1999
M33 in Charlotte, NC =USA=
Name: Charles
Email: <cmrodgers-at-mindspring.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Project Manager
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 24 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Drug Overdose; Aged: 32.
--Details:
I was 9 and my sister 6. We had been out all day shopping and
running errands with mom. When she came home she started dinner and
went to lay down. Dad came home. She and Dad talked. Dad came
out of the bedroom and said that they were going to the Hospital.
My aunt came over several hours later. She was shaken up. We lived
with her until the funeral.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of existance of a creature.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Kept thinking that they would come back.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Grandmother died when I was 6. I was very close to her. She kept
me from birth while my mom worked. My Mom died when I was 9.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Every one tries to act very sad like it is a play and they are
actors.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is forever. People do not come back or go somewhere else.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Nothing. I will never be grateful of death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
There is nothing that makes death "better" in my mind. Time past
keeps me from crying. But I always think about things I really like
"My Mom died before this even was created/happened/etc."
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that she would not be there for me or me for her.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was told that she had died. I knew beforehand that she was dead
because she never came home and no one talked about her in front
of me. But until my Dad told me it was not real. When It became
real, I did not know what to do.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Never happened.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Love her until she was old and gray.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
When the mother of my best friend at the time offered me her support.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have a huge event in my life and I know I can not share it with
my Mom.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have been more sociable. Mom was always pushing me to be
less shy. I would have had less problems as a teen. And my son
would have a grandmother.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Everyone else has a Mom to love them, hug them, share special
secrets, pass on stories, and love them unconditionally. I don't.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Be with her again
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wanted to quit. My mom was gone and I wanted to quit.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
N/A
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
No one at a church really tried to help me. Therfore I feel like
the people of churches are hypocrites.
--Religious Affiliation:
Southern Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I sometimes think that Mom is looking at me. I wish she were.
But I don't think there is a Spirit.
--Regarding MONEY:
My Mom's income was gone. Plus we had to pay for the funeral.
There were hard times.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I wanted to put a goodbye note in her coffin. I did not do it.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Asking to go home.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
No one can help emotionally but accept people who are willing to
help with day to day duties (cooking, cleaning, shopping)
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
No one can help. If there are issues they will always be there.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I felt that my mother was visiting me at night when I slept.
I thought I could hear her walking and feel her presense looking
in on me. This is one of the things that I continue to hold on to,
the thought of her looking in on me during stages in my life.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would like people to think of my accomplishments and my
relationships that I had with them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Knowing that you are going to die can be comsuming. That is why
there are a lot of old people who just give up.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I pray every night. I started this after my Mom died.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still pray.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Me and my sister are very close.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
The hurt never goes away
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
It seems that no one but me cares or is affected by my mom's death.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I would have liked for my aunt to have offered me advice/love
as I grew. At the time of the death people need help with work
(cooking cleaning errands etc.) later (months and years) and on an
ongoing process people need help with their feelings/emotions.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes. I liked to think about it and think that someone else will
read and use the information, even if they don't.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jun 22 05:04:24 1999
F21 in , =Australia=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: lukemia; Aged: 52.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the person's body shuts down and we no longer get to be
with them
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
thought it was very unfair and pointless to live as we were just
going to die
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my best friends mum had lukemia
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the emotional pain
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my mother in law is no longer suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to people
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
getting on with life, everything i did reminded me of her.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
you think the person is getting better and then they die
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
do more things with my mother in law
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear a certain song on the radio
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jun 22 02:07:10 1999
M38 in STOCKTON, CALIFORNIA =USA=
Name: MICAHAEL M. HUNSUCKER
Email: <M.HUNSUCKER-at-WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: NURSE (20YRS)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), 4 YEARS ago.
Cause of Death: LIVER FAILURE; Aged: 33.
--Details:
HE WAS MY LOVER FOR 17 YRS HE WAS 16 I WAS 17 WHEN WE STARTED LIVING
TOGATHER HE REMAINED WITH ME WHILE I WAS IN THE NAVY 4 YRS I WAS
34 WHEN HE DIED HE WAS SICK FOR 11 MONTHS BEFORE HE DIED THAT WAS
4 YRS AGO
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
THIS IS WHAT I TOLD SHERMANS' PARENTS - HE CAN HEAR YOU BUT HE IS TO
BUSY TO ANSWER HE IS AT THE MOMENT WHEN HUMANS REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM
THIS PLACE AND GET DOWN TO THE BUSSINESS OF DIEING. HIS SPIRIT IS
STRAINING TO REMOVE IT SELF FROM A BODY THAT WILL NOT RELEASE HIM.
HE IS IN NO PAIN. THERE IS MORE DEATH HERE THEN LIFE, WE MUST LET
HIM KNOW THAT IT IS OK TO GO.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
WAS 10 YRS OLD - 18 MOS. LATER I EXPERIENCED IT AGAIN
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
THEIR WAS SO MANY PEOPLE AROUND ME -- BUT I WAS SO ALONE
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
THE ISOLATION - PEOPLE SAY THEY KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE - BUT THAT IS
SO WRONG
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
THE CATHOLIC CHURCH MY PRIEST WAS THERE FOR ME HE KNEW WE WERE
GAY BUT THE ONE THING HE SAID TO ME WAS "IT (BEING GAY) WAS NOT A
LIFESTYLE FREELY CHOSEN IT WAS NOT A SIN AND THAT I WILL SEE HIM
AGAIN IN HAVEN
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
MY FAITH
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
AND STILL IS BEING ALONE
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
TELLING THEM THAT IT WAS OK TO LET GO - IN MY HEART AT THAT TIME I
DID NOT WANT TO LET GO - IT WAS MY CHOICE TO HAVE NO RECESSITATION -
I JUST WANTED TO KEEP HIM WITH ME AT ALL COST BUT IT WAS NOT WHAT
HE HAD WANTED I HAD TO LET HIM GO
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
THEIR IS A TIME FOR EVERYTHING -THEIR IS A TIME TO DIE AND AS MUCH
AS YOU WANT TO KEEP THEM WITH YOU YOU MUST EXCEPT THAT NO MATTER
HOW YOU WANT TO HEAL THEM YOU CAN'T
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
THERE IS SO CONFLICTING FEELINGS - FRIGHT, PAIN, SORROW AND COMFORT
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
TO THIS DAY (4 YRS LATER) I STILL CAN NOT LAUGH
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
TO SAY GOODBYE
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
GIVE HIM A REQUIEM MASS WITH THE FULL KNOWLEGE OF THE BISHOP OF
OUR RELATIONSHIP
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM DAILY AND CRY EVERY TIME I STEP FOOT IN
THE CHURCH I REMEMBER HIS CASKET AT THE FOOT OF THE ALTER
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
THERE IS SUCH A VOID
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
FAIRNESS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
THE WINE SICKENS ME, THE FOOD HAS NO TASTE - I WISH I COULD BE DONE
WITH IT ALL.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
WAS AT THE FRONT DOOR OF THE CATHERDRAL WITH HIS CASTKET 5 DAYS
AFTER HE DIED
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
WE HAD GREAT MEDICAL SUPPORT FOR THE 11 MOS. HE WAS SICK - WHEN HE
DIED ALL THAT ENDED AND I WAS LEFT SO ALONE - I CALLED HOSPICE BUT
WAS TOLD THAT THE COUNCLING THEY HAD WAS NOT FOR A PERSON SUCH AS
MY SELF (GAY?)
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
SEE ABOVE
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
EVERYTHING TO ME AND STILL DOES
--Religious Affiliation:
ROMAN CATHOLIC
--Regarding MONEY:
I HAD TO SELL ALOT OF THE GIFT HE GAVE ME OVER THE YEARS TO PAY
FOR THE FINAL EXPENSES
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
THERE WAS SO MANY PEOPLE - BUT I FELT SO ISOLATED AND ALONE EVERYONE
LOOKING AT ME - WHAT DID THEY EXPECTE FROM ME?
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
THE FINAL ARRANGEMENTS
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
IT DOES NOT BECOME EASIER ITS LIKE A RING YOU GET USED TO IT,
YOU NEVER FORGET.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
MAYBE I'LL TELL ABOUT THAT AT ANOTHER TIME
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
35 DAYS AFTER SHERMANS DEATH I WENT FROM 180LBS TO 140LBS AND ENDEDUP
ICU - AT THAT TIME THE DR TOLD ME I MUST GET SOME HELP OR I WOULD NOT
MAKE IT THROUGH ANOTHER HOSPITAL STAY - WHAT I THOUGHT I WANTED WAS
CLOSE AT HAND (DEATH) AND I REALIZED IT IS NOT WHAT I TRULY WANTED,
TO THIS DAY I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHY I MADE THE CHOICE TO LIVE - I GO
ON BUT MY PASSION FOR LIFE DIED WITH HIM ON SEPT. 22, 1995 - I GO ON
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I HAVE WENT THROUGH COUNSELING FOR 3 YRS - AND WAS FINALLY TOLD
THAT HE (THE DR.) THAT I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS AND I MUST LIVE
WITH IT. I GUESS IT WILL NEVER BE FINISHED
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
IF I TOLD YOU - YOU WOULD REALLY THINK I WAS OVER THE EDGDE
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
NO MATTER WHAT - NO ONE SHOULD HURRY UP AND DIE!!!!!!!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
WHEN WE WERE TOLD THAT HE ONLY HAD 1 YR TO LIFE I WROTE THIS - THEY
TELL ME I"M GOING TO LOSE SHERMAN BUT WHAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND(THE
DRS) IS I'M LOSING HIM A LITTLE EVERYDAY I'M LOSING HIM WHEN I FEED
HIM, I'M LOSING HIM WHEN I BATH HIM, I'M LOSING HIM WHEN ILOOK AT
HIM, I'M LOSING HIM WHEN I EMBRACE HIM, I'M LOSING HIM WHEN I LOVE
HIM AND WHEN HE IS GONE IT WILL BEGAIN FOR ME. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE
IS - I WILL HAVE TO WALK THAT PATH ALONE.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I VISIT HIS GRAVE EVERY WEEK FOR THE PAST 4 YRS.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
A CANDLE HAS BURNED IN MY HOME FOR HIM 24HRS ADAY
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
NOT TO TALK OR ACT IN A CERTAIN WAY- BUT TO JUST BE THERE
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Jun 21 20:39:19 1999
F29 in moscow, idaho =latah=
Email: <lyates-at-uidaho.edu>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: alzheimers activity coordinator
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, yrs16 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 35.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the physical body stops. No breathing, blood flow, no voice, or
personality...just silence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was barely 13 and it was my mom.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mom died of cancer during treatment in
the hospital
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not crying at the service
--What I think my (latah) culture needs to better learn about death is:
everyone grieves differently
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
not a damn thing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my 14 year old boyfriend
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not knowing what would happen to me
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am still hanging in there after 16 years of depression
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hear her voice one more time
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i kissed her goodbye
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
burying her and having a memorial service
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be living in Alaska, probably have a bachelors degree in
accounting and working at the bank with my mom.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
who will i live with now?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was put in a hospital and given antidepressants
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did all they could
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no hospice was involved
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone cried in eachothers arms and I sat in a chair alone
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
my moms nails turned orange
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
not eating or drinking, withdrawl from visitors, refusing all life
sustaining efforts
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
its been hell, and i still suffer
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no unresolved issues
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want my mom to know all about my children
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
in a dream a woman with short, dark hair(possibly my therapist)
drove my mom up to a sidewalk where I was standing. My mom looked
up at me and smiled, the lady seemed to be her guardian angel.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have planned to be cremated, as my mom was, but my ashes will be
scattered at her new gravesight so my children will have a place
to go...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
we will be setting up a memorial spot with a headstone this July,
in hopes of finally ending the suffering
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
someone to explain to me what was happening and reassure me that
I would be taken care of.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
opened up a few sore spots
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Jun 21 17:12:23 1999
F43 in , ==
Name: Kathy Foens
Email: <2k9moms-at-qconline.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I was looking at Entertainment. This looked interesting.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Prof/Studies: Personnel Actions Clerk
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: diabetes/gangrene; Aged: 72.
--Details:
I was very close to my father. I worked in the same gov't
installation as he did & in my early working years, I commuted
with him. About a month before he died, Mom found a bad sore on
his leg. Dad didn't know it was there - had no sensation in that
part of his leg. His doctor said to get him to the hospital.
They took his glucose count - it was so high that they couldn't
even count it (over 600). He was in that hospital a month; Mom
believes he overheard the doctor (not his regular one) talk about
"nursing home". I knew that he would never allow it. I honestly
believe that he willed himself to die.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a person going through a transition from this Life to the next.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was so young that it barely reached me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother (my father's mother) died.
I was about 5 or 6 years old. I had only met her once - to me
she was that nice old blind lady. I learned more about her years
afterwards from my mother.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fact that I was the last family member to see him alive. I told
him that I loved him. Although I was devastated from his death,
I was comforted that I was able to say it.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's not the end. It's the beginning. Just because our body
is dead doesn't mean our soul is. Our soul survives to go to a
different plane.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Dad told my Mom how proud he was of me. He never told me, but Mom
told me after his death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the support of my mother & younger sister.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that the pain never goes away. It has lessened over time,
but that empty place is still there.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Never forget to let them know how much you care for them.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
survived the experience. I can go on.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was called at work & was told to get to the hospital right away.
I didn't expect him to be dying.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I should have laughed. Right after he died, I had a dream of a
funeral. Dad was in it. He said he wanted to be seated in the back
because if he didn't like it, he'd leave. That was typical "Dad".
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him how proud I was of him. He went from an 8th grade education
to getting a machining job with the federal gov't. Although he
didn't have a lot of formal education, he had "street smarts".
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
let him know I loved him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we had the service. Dad didn't want a big funeral, so we had
someone from the VFW talk about veterans (Dad served in WWII).
I didn't think it was important, but it really healed. I know now
that the service is for the living, not the deceased.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
a big fancy funeral. It wasn't needed.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear certain songs, like "Goodbye, My Friend" by Linda Ronstadt or
"The Greatest Man I Never Knew" from Reba McIntire.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't know that anything would have changed, except I might
not have these bouts of depression (am under doctor's care with
anti-depressants).
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he was gone.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just cry. Sometimes I can't.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was glad that Dad was no longer in pain. In that month before he
died, he was in excruciating pain.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I would never have the doctor that Dad had. He was not a caring
person & didn't know when to be quiet, i.e., don't discuss things
with Mom about Dad within Dad's earshot. His nurses were angels.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
very little. My faith in God is very personal. Dad always said
he was an agnostic, but he let the Chaplain pray for him & Mom said
she thought he had begun to change.
--Religious Affiliation:
Protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
closer to the truth. God takes care of all of us, not just the
religious.
--Regarding MONEY:
it was not a factor. He left his assets to Mom, as it should be.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my oldest sister, who was at odds with Dad, cried the loudest.
I didn't believe her.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I still "see" him. I've had many dreams with Dad in them, usually
when I'm troubled.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I went through every one of the stages. Acceptance was the hardest.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he never mentioned seeing anything.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I answered this above. Dad has come in my dreams several times.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I was dying, I want to know. I hope it will not be long,
suffering.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
During the 1st six months of his death, I visited his gravesite
every week, taking flowers & talking to him. It helped tremendously.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Every time I talk to my Mom, I always tell her I love her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
Not being extremely close to her helped me deal with it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Mon Jun 21 14:57:55 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: Suicide; Aged: 15.
--Details:
It was rather abrupt.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our existence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
tried to forget about that person and move on.
--That first time, how it happened was
Both my grandfathers died within a year of each other. One of
emphasima, the other just turned white and stopped breathing I guess.
I was quite close to them and it was rather sudden
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Suprise. Nobody expected it.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Corpses aren't sacred things. There's no point in wasting miles
and miles of land to bury them in.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the emotional experience.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Personal reflections
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Mostly I just tried to convince myself it was no big deal
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Mon Jun 21 07:09:55 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo.com-pyschology experiments
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More personal info:
this site was too long and stressful
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Neighbor, 2 years ago.
Aged: 84
--Details:
I don't know exactly what he died from, but he was in and out of
the hospital for weeks before he died. I feel like I betrayed him,
I couldn't find a time to visit him in the hospital, I guess I just
figured he would come home and it would be all right, He was like
a grandfather to me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died when i was 41/2, of a
stroke and several years of smoking. I never got a chance to say
goodbye to him, and still wish I did. My sister and I were not
allowed to travel to Massachusetts to see him while he was in the
hospital or to the funeral, so I never got any closure.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
Not letting me see him once again before he died, and not being
able to go to the funeral.
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Sun Jun 20 13:42:12 1999
F35 in Pleasant Hill, California =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Place death notices in newspaper
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 70.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a loss of the energy that makes us alive and a passing into a
different, spiritual life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
refused to believe it had happened
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died when I was 7. I still
don't know how she died, only that she had been sick for a short time
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the good memories everyone shared at his memorial service and how
much he was loved
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that is a natural part of life
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that it takes away the pain
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the passage of time
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
when I would forget, after a time, and pick up the phone to call them
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
she was finally at peace
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
???
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
????
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say I love you more and spend more time getting to know her
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend the time with her that I did
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
????
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
????
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I dream about the person who passed away
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
?????
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
She was way too young - take someone else who is a bad person!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be with her
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
could feel my heart tearing apart
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they didn't (couldn't) do much
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a place for parishioners (members) to come together and praises
God and thank him for the time we have together
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
dreaming about the person even years later
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you. I think it would make me feel more at peace with
the loss.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My best friend died when we were 21. 14 years later, I still dream
about her at least once a month. In all of these dreams, I truly
feel that she is with me and sometimes I feel she is trying to tell
me something, but I don't know what.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am more accepting of my own death than of anyone elses. I don't
mind at all that I will die, but the thought of someone I love
(i.e., my parents) dying terrifies me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I write poetry
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was a good experience, but I am feeling a bit of a loss over some
people. My answers referred to 3 or 4 people, and I am missing them
right now. But that's okay!
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Sat Jun 19 19:45:38 1999
F19 in McKean, PA =U.S.A=
Name: Erica
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
from yahoo
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Prof/Studies: student majoring in accounting
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More personal info:
i have a father who is terminally ill, the next step is a donor
heart and he doesn't want one, and i have accepted that as well
as i can but i try not to think about it as much, he has been
this way since i was 14 but had a heart attack in front me and i
watch him be taking away in an ambulance when i was eight, and it
was hard, but i had my aunt and uncle to help me and it made it
easier to deal with, but i still feel like that little girl who
watched her daddy be taken away in an ambulance and wonder what i
did wrong to make god so mad at me that my dad had to suffer for it
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: complications from heart surgery; Aged: 65.
--Details:
i was 17 and i watch her die, she was brain dead and we had to take
her off life support. It was the hardest thing to watch, she was
unable to talk to us and we really didn't know if she knew we were
even there. i love her.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when we no longer inhabit this planet, but hopefully we go to a
place free of pain and suffering where when we die we will see
everyone again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't handle it very well, and felt completely alone, my friends
weren't very understanding and it was very difficult, but i grew
so much and learned so much about life and death, and even about
the true meaning of love.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was my grandmother, she died of cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that this time i wasn't alone, i had someone who loves me
unconditionally and my friends were more supportive this time and
understanding.
--What I think my (U.S.A) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that we need to be there for the love ones who are left, the ones
who have lost, remeber that they need support, even if you didn't
know the person who died, go and show that you care and that they
aren't alone.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a hug from someone who i wasn't very close too but could see that
i REALLY needed one and at that time took care of me, even though
it was only for a moment.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing that i am not alone, i had someone there for me and just me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
watching them suffer, it hurt so much to watch then slowly die
before my eyes
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
hold there hand and look into there eyes and tell them that you
love them and just be there, no one should ever die alone
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
grew as a person, i learned that my priorities were all messed up,
that i need to live and not worry so much and not to stress to much,
that life is ment to be lived, to take care of myself and those i
love, and let the stuff i can't control just happen
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they actually died, it isn't like the movies, i sort of feel bad
for not knowing that she was gone, she looked like she was just
sleeping, it wasn't till the nurse said that it was over that i
actually knew she was gone
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was what helped me get through it,
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her that i loved her one more time and how much she ment to
me and that i will never forget what she taught me
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell my uncle what he ment to me and that i loved him and thanked
him for everything that he did for me
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
it was all said and done, my true friends and i are much closer
than the ones who did nothing to help me
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
a flag is folded in a triangle, gun shots, a very patriotic moment
in a movie, the right music, or lyric, the right touch, i still
can't let people play with my hair, my aunt use to do it all the
time, the certain smell or even a cough, seeing a black cat like
the one my aunt use to have, or bottles of nail polish in a row,
going by there house
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i don't think i would be the stable person i am now, i think them
dying has helped me be a better person
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that people i love keep dying
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
join them, that they would come and get me and it would be better
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
tried to find the good in it, like now she isn't suffering, or they
are together now,
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
not much support
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they were the BEST, i can't say enought about them, they are truly
one of gods little helpers
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
crap, i hated it, it didn't help and i felt that they were intruding
--Religious Affiliation:
methodist
--Regarding MONEY:
prearranging and prepaying is the best thing love ones can do for
other love ones, one less thing to worry about, take care of
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that very few of my friends came to see me and to tell me that i
wasn't alone, it was a great comfort for me when some of my friends
came, even my band director came, just for me
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
my mom says that my uncle is okay and that he told her so
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the drastic weight change,
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
that the pain NEVER completely goes away, it will always be
with you
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i don't know,
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i feel that they know that i love them and that they are here with me
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
after both my uncle and aunt's deaths i had a dream of them telling
me it was okay and they gave me one last hug and told me that they
loved me
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
making sure there is a will that is current and a living will so
love ones don't have to make the decision
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i listen to a song called "I Grieve" or some instrumental music
and just cry to it
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
when time get tought i just listen to the music that makes me cry
and then after i am cried out, i can go back and face the world
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
my mom's friend reminds me of my aunt she does some of the same
things that she use to and i can see her in her
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body
music, some songs just make me feel better
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
you really know who your friends are
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
to say that they were there for me
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was a way to express what i felt and hope that others may learn
from what i have gone through
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Sat Jun 19 16:47:40 1999
F16 in West Valley, Utah =USA=
Name: Erin Paulsen
Email: <erinpaulsen-at-hotmail.com>
Web: http://WWW.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/8715
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
www.yahoo.com
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Prof/Studies: Student
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More personal info:
I"m sorry if I didn't finish it...a lot of the questions I really
couldn't answer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 years ago.
Cause of Death: Heart attack; Aged: 15.
--Details:
Stacey never knew she had a weak heart. At cheerleading tryouts
she was doing a turn when she complained about dizziness and then
fell to the ground. She was helped up, but she fell down again and
became unconcious. The cheer coach started CPR while and ambulance
was called. She died on the way to the hospital.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
and end of life in this fragile mortal body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very confused and angry
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandmother died at her house from
old age. i was as close as a small child could be with someone who
always forgot your name
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how sad everyone was. everyone loved Stacey, she was so full of life.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it's not a total end.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
every time I experience a death, I have a flood of wonderful
memories. I will always be grateful for those memories
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
people who could relate to how I was feeling, and someone that I
could cry in front of
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the viewing. I wanted to shake Stacey awake. She didn't look like
herself...I just wanted it not to be real
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell them how much you love them
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
became aware of how fragile life is. I never miss an oppurtunity
to tell a loved one how much I love and care for them
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when it first happened
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
there are so many emotions that come with death. Sadness is one,
but the need to laugh is a natural expression of emotion
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell Stacey that I was glad we had been friends for such a long time
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for my mom when he grandfather died. I was the strong one
that time, and I held her while she cried
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i put a flower on her casket. That just made me feel better in a way
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Being at the funeral....I wish a lot of times that I hadn't gone
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see old pictures or someone who reminds me of that person
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think now we wouldn't talk. We;d be going on with our lives
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why wasn't it someone who didn't want to live? Stacey was so alive"
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stop thedeath of my loved ones
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became depressed.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I really don't know
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
no real support. I am not active in my church
--Religious Affiliation:
Latter Day Saints....aka Mormon
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Later I realized that It was better she had went quietly while she
slept instead of living in pain
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
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Fri Jun 18 08:56:56 1999
F29 in , Virginia ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: in b/w 2-yr MBA degree
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, .5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 57.
--Details:
She chose not to go to the doctor for quite some time after
suspecting cancer, which made it much more difficult for me to let
go of the anger/frustration/hurt and maintain a positive stance
for her during the two years of treatments.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was numb for quite some time, with crying jags at night every couple
of days to vent emotion.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My mother lost her battle with breast cancer,
which was very advanced at the time of initial diagnosis (stage IV).
Virtually simultaneously, her mother also died after long serious
of illnesses, including kidney cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the quietness of the passing and the tumult of the funeral
preparations and aftermath of friends, relatives, etc. coming and
going. I experienced difficulty feeling any emotion at all about
what was going on around me for months afterward.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
what to say to each other about it. how to be supportive to someone
experiencing deep loss/alienation.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The peace of the interrment, with Canadian geese circling overhead
crying, and coming to land in the other end of the field adjacent
to the cemetary.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the sudden end of what had been a daily dialogue of sharing thoughts,
feelings, etc
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
offer to do what you know are some of their favorite activities
with them
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there to say goodbye in the last few days
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
grateful they were able to extend the quality of her life as long
as they did, not recommending unnecessary treatments that would only
make her remaining time more painful, yet being sensitive enough to
her needs to continue to offer hope long after there really was none.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Happily, my mother passed away without all the fuss of hospice care.
The day hospice was supposed to arrive, she hurried up and left
the night before.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A minister we knew to check in on us and bury the dead
--Religious Affiliation:
Epicopal
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I detested the "wake", though we kept it closed coffin.
Grimgrimgrim. Stayed with my cousin's year-old baby the whole time.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
A translucent look to the skin.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
Husband living 7000 miles away, going out most nights helped
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
Family very good at blocking out serious negatives. I unfortunately
am extremely proficient at it and have to work to stay in touch
with strong negative feelings I may be experiencing.
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Fri Jun 18 01:38:46 1999
F41 in Kent, WA =USA=
Email: <kathynwa-at-mindspring.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
went to yahoo, entertainment,contests surveys & polls, online
psychological experiments
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: complications from polycystic kidney; Aged: 55 yrs.
--Details:
My sister was diagnosed with the inherited kidney disease years ago.
It became active when he kidneys began to fail just a couple of
years before she died. She had only been on dialysis at home for
about 1 1/2 years. One of our half sisters had been on dialysis 20
or 25 yrs. before she died from the disease. But my sister got sick
with some kind of an infection. She went to the doctor but they
coulnd't treat her for it until they knew exactly what it was.
Because of the kidney condition, they had to give her special
medications or something instead of the generic penicyllin stuff
that you ususally get. Anyway, a couple of days later before she
heard the test results, she died. She had visited next door at her
son's house and went back home that evening to do her dialysis.
She turned the machine on to warm it up and laid down to rest.
She dosed off to sleep and died. My nephew said that she looked
very peaceful when he found her, as in no signs of pain or struggle.
We all knew that she would die from the disease, but we didn't
expect it to happen so soon.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our physical body can no longer remain alive. Sometimes it
is just old and wears out. Other times it becomes sick or injured
and just quits. It's just the physical part or the outside shell
of us that dies. The inner self, the soul, is the real part of us
and it doesn't ever die.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad that I couldn't see the person anymore. The fact that they
died seemed natural and a part of life to me. I knew that death
was not a bad thing for the person who dies, but just another step
onward in their lifetime. But I was sad for myself because they
were no longer here with me. No one needed to tell me these things,
I just knew them.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my family moved to Vashon Island right before
I was born. We lived in a single parent home with my mom and our
mailman, Vic, (who had no children) kind of adopted us. He took
us places, came to visit after work, left surprised for us in the
mailbox, ect. When I was probably 6 or 7, my mom told me that he
had died the day before. Vic had went out and mowed the lawn, lay
down to take a nap, and didn't wake up. She said that when his wife
found him, he was smiling. Actually, I think the first death I
can recall, was when Kennedy died. Because I don't remember the
date or my age when Vic died, I don't know which happened first.
When Kennedy was assassinated, I was mostly confused. I was in
kindergarten at the time and rode the bus home from school with the
high school kids. I can remember that alot of them were crying
and I didn't understand why they were so sad because they didn't
even know or love Kennedy. I wasn't sad, but why were they?
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how it helped my family (I am the youngest of 8 kids and have dozens
of nieces and nephews as well) remember what is really important.
We are an exceptional family in that we have always been very
close and have several family gatherings a year. I'm 41 years old
and cannot remember a family fight or squabble. But everyone gets
busy with our own immediate families, and we don't always take the
time for phone calls or to stop by each others homes just to say hi.
When my sister died, it made us all realize that we take our special
family for granted sometimes and that everyone that we love will
not always be just a few miles down the road for us to stop in and
say hi to. We all feel that when my sister died, in some way it
was to help us all to stay close forever. Kind of like a personal
sacrifice on her part for the spiritual growth of the family.
I will always miss having her here with us at our future Christmas's
and family picnics, but I'm also very thankful to her for helping us
to make the most of the special family that we area a part of while
we can. Now there is no chance that our children will lose what
we have always enjoyed. All of us, including the teenaged younger
nieces and nephews have had alot more frequent contact than before.
We know what is important now.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not an end, just a step onward. The sorrow felt is
for ones self and shouldn't be for the person who died. They are
learning new things and their soul is growing. We need to be more
accepting of death as part of life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how it helped me realize that I can emotionally and spiritually
survive anything in part because of the security of my family.
I will never be alone.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own personal beliefs. They give me the strength and security
to deal with whatever I have to.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the empathy I have for others. Even though I felt alright for
myself, I hurt for some of the other people in my family that were
having a harder time coping.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time over the last 10 years with my sister. For all of
them but the last 2, she lived in the mountains about 7 or 8 hours
away and I didn't get to see much of her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know that she had just told her two sons that she had the best
Christmas of her life with them. She died on New Years Eve and had
been sick on Christmas. So instead of coming to the family gathering
on Christmas day, she went next door to her oldest son's house (he,
his wife, 3 year old daughter, and mother-in-law live there). Her
other son came and they spent Christmas together. Several of the
rest of us had concidered stopping by to say "Merry Christmas", but
for one reason or another, none of us did. So her sons have the
knowledge that they shared one of the most important times of her
life with her and it was just their own little family. The other
really special thing is that our mother was the last person to talk
to her. They spent about 20 minutes having a nice little chat on
the phone. It seemed appropriate that it was that way.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that we have a formal funeral. We kinda had a wake without the
body or the alchohol. The family got together and laughed and
shared all kinds of rememberences. Other people think that its
kind of strange, but my sister would have liked it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
It will come back to me every New Years Eve. One of my older nieces
(she's just 4 years younger than me) recently remarried. My husband
and I have spent each of the 3 New Years Eves that they had together
with them. We go to their house and the four us spend the night
talking, drinking a little, playing card, listening to music, etc.
Last year we joked that it was the third year we spent with them
on New Years Eve and that makes it a tradition. The next morning,
my nephew called us there to tell us that his mom died. Most of my
nieces and nephews and I have said that we'll always have a toast
to my sister on every New Years Eve. I know that I'll always shed
a few tears for her then.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was compelled to touch bases with as many people in my family as
I could. Some of it was probably to reassure myself that they were
all there, but part of it was because that was what made me strong.
There is definitely strength in numbers.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not much.
--Religious Affiliation:
I believe in bits and pieces of many religions. I consider myself
to be a pantheologist.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very much a part of the truth.
--Regarding MONEY:
My sister's sbody was to be cremated and her sons felt that it was
their responsibility to pay for it. They couldn't get the money
together and the funeral home was going to charge the for storing
her body. The rest of us felt that they should not have to deal
with that, financially or emotionally. So I asked everyone if they
wanted to pitch in together to help out. Those that were able to
did, and I took the money down to my nephews and explained that
although they felt it was their responsibility to take care of their
mom, that we all felt that it was important for the rest of us, too.
It was a little challenging to get them to realize that it was just
something the rest of us felt we wanted to do, and that it was just
money and money shouldn't matter.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues. My state of affairs with my sister
is ok. She knew when she was alive that I love her and if it is
important to her spirit now,in whatever existance she is in, she
still knows.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My neighbor is one of those people. He son died 5 years ago in an
alchohol related car accident. He was 21 years old. She swears that
he visits all the time. She says that he'll do stuff like change
the radio station, turn the tv off or on and other stuff like that.
Basically, everytime something happens inside of her home that
she can't explain, she thinks he did it. I don't know what to
think about it. I have never wittnessed any of these happenings.
She really believes that it is so. She says that she knows that
everyone just thinks that she is crazy and she's ok with that.
It might or might not be true. She had a mental breakdown when her
son died and is much better now, but still under a psychiatrists
care. She is on prozac, drinks a lot of wine and smokes pot daily.
Might be real, might be her imagination. I defintely believe that
it could be possible.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Following my sister's death, my husband and I spent quite a bit of
time talking with our two sons about our eventual deaths. It was
really hard to watch my nephews trying to chose 'what Mom would
want'. I explained to my sons that whatever choices they made would
be the right ones, the ones that we would want. Whatever they needed
to do to deal with it is what I want them to do. I explained that
when I am dead, I will no longer care about my body. And that all
of the rest of it is to help them cope. If they need a big funeral,
or a small family gathering, or just to leave and let someone else
cope, whatever. The right thing to do is what is right for them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
'What if' and 'how might' don't help me to realistically imagine
those things. I think I'd be ok with dying, but I don't know.
I do know that I'll always be able to do whatever I have to
do. But when my sister died, my youngest son (he's 16) came
to adult realization that someday it will happen to the people
he is closest to. That was kind of tough for both him and me.
I told him that its a hard thing when you grow up enough that mom
can't lie to you and say that it won't happen.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
nope
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
As a child, I felt that if Vic had died with a smile, it didn't
hurt and wasn't a bad thing.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
The hardest thing to cope with was the fact that he had been an
everyday person in my life and I missed him.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
All of my family has continued to make contact with each other often.
But it was very much that way in the first couple of weeks after
my sister died.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Most of the stuff that I talked about is stuff that I have discussed
with other family members and so I didn't really come to any new
realizations in filling out this questionnaire. But I'd like to
think that my thoughts on some of these questions could help someone
else to be a little more secure about death or to get through it
a little easier.
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Thu Jun 17 23:14:37 1999
F17 in Ladoga, Indiana =United States=
Name: Nicolette
Email: <dopechick13-at-hotmail>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: no job
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, yrs3 ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 42.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when they are no longer breating or living. They look as if they
are in a very peaceful sleep.And even though they look painful,
you always feel terrible, if it was someone you lovd. We place them
in the ground and after a point in time. The pain of them not being
with us will go away.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young. I didn't know my great grandfather that well because
I was very young.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my old babysitter pasted away
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the funeral. My cousin kissing my uncles casket and saying good
bye daddy one last time.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I got to know these people before they passed on. Even if it
was for a stort time.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
sitting around and sharing old stories that made everyone happy to
know that they were part of this person's life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that that person wouldn't be there for me when I needed them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to have a good time remembering the past.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
had one really great lady in my life. To help my mom in raising me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i heard the news that she was gone for good. And there just asn't
anything they could do to help her.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i had to do something to stay sain.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with her when she was here with us.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I had a dream that was so real and powerful I knew it had to be
some kind of sing from her
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what to do with her things. Everyone threw such a fit about every
little thing she owned. When she was alive these were the things
she loved and charished, but everyone was worried about where to
send it. And who to give it to.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my boyfriend jokes about it
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would have her around to give me advice and to help me threw
my troubles
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why do people have to die so young?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to her once more
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was saddened by my loss. But in another way happy. Because this
was a lady whole had to over come so many things in life to get to
where she was. And After she died, I have really good dreams about
her in a better place where she was happy.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the medical community letting me down
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
i don't believe in god!
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a lie
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
past friends, even enemies came for closer
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing her lifeless body
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
how much fire is still in there eyes?
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Passage of Time
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Thu Jun 17 10:47:29 1999
M26 in Kamloops, British Columbia =Canada=
Name: Rob
Email: <dalamar-at-mail.ocis.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student/ Customer Service Rep
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Breast Cancer; Aged: 46.
--Details:
Well, she was also my godmother, and we were very close. I think
the most unfortunate thing about her death was that she died on the
birthday of her husband...they had been married for over 26 years.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The cessation of all electrochemical reactions within our collective
cellular structures.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
spent the day running around the house during the wake (the party
that takes place after the funeral to celebrate the life of an
individual who has just died) showing everyone my broken arm and
getting them to sign my cast.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my grandfather...I was 6 at the
time, and recall people trying to explain what had happened to me.
My grandfather had been cremated, and people were trying to help me
understand cremation by telling me that they put you in a big oven.
When I was in the kitchen, I saw the oven was on and started
telling everyone that my grandfather was being macremade in the
oven...amusing now, but not so at the time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
A feeling of profound emptiness as I looked at the picture of my
Aunt by her casket. The realization that I would never talk to her
again, never get a hug, never pick on her for being a foot shorter
than me...it all kind of hit me at once in the church.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is merely another stage...that we should not mourn the loss
of someone close because it is purely selfish. We mourn the loss
that WE suffer from, not them. Instead, we should focus on their
life, their accomplishments, and be glad that we were around to
share a piece of them that we can hold within for as long as we
remember...they may be dead, but they will always be with us as
long as we remember.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My sister was in an accident that left her with a severe head injury
and in a coma. I begged my mother to unplug her and let her die,
but my mother refused. My sister came out of the coma three months
later, but irrevocably changed. When I look at her now, what her
life has become and what she lost, I wish that my mother would have
listened to me about unplugging her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Time. Time heals all wounds, and the irrepressible spirit of the
six year old within me has never left. All I need is time to gain
perspective and accept my loss.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I can't say that I have ever had a hard time dealing with Death...I
accept it as a natural thing, and expect it. I don't fear it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was asked to go and see my aunt who was dying in the hospital.
My parents lived a good distance away, and they wanted me to go on
behalf of myself and them and see how she was doing. I wanted to
go see her, but at the same time, I didn't want to because I knew
she wouldn't be the same person I was used to all those years,
and I didn't want my last memories of her being tainted by a drug
induced state of consciousness.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It felt damn good...my sister was lying in her hospital bed after
surgery, and we didn't know if she was going to live or die.
My cousin and I were talking to her comatose body when all of a
sudden she spasmed...we discovered later that she was just choking on
saliva that the suction tube hadn't been able to remove...my cousin
and I got out of there fast, thinking that she was dying on the spot.
We left the hospital to get fresh air, and on our way to a local
7-11, we passed a fountain that had been filled with dish soap as
a grad prank and was now foaming out of the basin...my cousin and
I just started laughing, as much at the grad prank as our immature
kind of reaction to my sister's convulsion.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say goodbye to my uncle glen...he taught me a great many things
that my dad never really had the patience for, and when I found
out he was dying I wanted to go and see him. My parents advised
me against it, and I listened. To this day, I wish that I hadn't
listened, and that even if he was unconcious, I could have thanked
him for the things he taught me and said goodbye in my own way.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I hate medical science...I believe it causes more problems than
it solves. Having watched the ineffectiveness the doctors have
demonstrated with my aunts death, my uncles and my grandmother's
I have lost all faith in medical science.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
See above.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing...I'm born and baptized RC, but non-practicing. I'm kind
of agnostic, and I figure if God is there and he wanted my family
member to die, then so be it...who am I to stop it?
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
To be honest, I don't know...all deaths in my family have been
outside my immediate family with the exception of my grandfather
and my grandmother. But with them, I was too young to understand
things like wills, inheritance, or anything like that.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How ridiculous and selfish it seemed to me. Death should be a
celebration of the life lived by an individual.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
My coldness and disattachment throughout the entire thing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
acceptance was the best solution.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I know of none.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I was sitting down in a chair reading Stephen King's It when I
looked up...I felt like I was being watched, but not by anybody
in the house. I looked across the basement and saw a face in the
woodgrain of our basement door, a face that made me immediately
think of my grandma Bradley, even though she had died 6 years earlier
and I didn't really remember her...I gave my head a shake, thinking
that the book had something to do with it. I was never able to see
that face in the wood grain again, no matter what angle I looked
at it. And every so often, I get the feeling that my grandmother
is watching me. It's a comforting feeling knowing that someone as
wise as she was is watching my steps, even if she isn't guiding them.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
First, I don't want to be plugged into a machine to keep me
alive...if my body can't sustain me, let me go. When I die, I
don't want a funeral...just burn me to ash, spread them around a
body of water, then have a kegger and celebrate my life. One of
the things I plan to do is using modern technology, I am going to
record a final statement to all my friends and loved ones to be
played at my funeral.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Oh, I've thought about it. I have this feeling that I will know
I'm going to die before it happens...perhaps shortly, perhaps not,
but I'm going to know. I'm kind of fatalistic about death...there
isn't much that I can do about it, so accept it. I won't change my
life or how I live it because of Death or the threat of Death...if
I'm going to go, I'm going to go. Though I may not have done all the
things I want to do in this life, I can die with peace in my heart.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I play Doom and kill things...sounds weird, but hey...
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
None.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
The irrepressible spirit of a 6 year old...
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I believe that the individual is stronger than the group, and that
they can heal faster on their own...for me, I prefer to be left in
solitude to contemplate my thoughts.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Actually, I know how I deal with Death, I know what works for
me...doing this questionnaire was to help you gather info on thought
processes around Death.
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Tue Jun 15 09:29:50 1999
M33 in Duncan, Oklahoma =US=
Name: Lou DI Cruce
Email: <lou_di_cruce-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looking at the Labyrinth Readers Society webpage
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Prof/Studies: college student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
American Book of Death; E.J. Gold Tibetan Book of the Dead
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sogyal Rinpoche, E.J. Gold,
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 18 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Parkinson's Disease; Aged: 71.
--Details:
I was very disturbed that my grandfather was not in a lucid state
at death
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like shedding worn out clothing, changing buses, adopting a new
lifestyle
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was filled with the sad realization that this form would now only
exist in my memory
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandfather,with whom I was very close
died of Parkinson's disease
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I could not believe they were gone
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is the natural if inevitable end of a long cycleand the
beginning of a new cycle
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
this individual is beyond physical suffering
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the feeling of seperation
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Sun Jun 13 21:11:50 1999
F29 in Wausau, Wisconsin =US=
Name: Debra T.
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
A Time To Grieve
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Carol Staudacher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: lymphoma; Aged: 55.
--Details:
My mother was diagnosed about three years before she died. At the
time, I lived in another city. As she was rather ill, I travelled
back and forth when I could schedule it around work. It was very
difficult to not be there. After she was treated, she had a period
of over a year when she was cancer-free. Shortly before she was
diagnosed the second time, I moved back to my home town to be
closer to my family. After she was diagnosed again, I moved in
with my parents and cared for her as well as took care of their
house until she died a year ago. I was able to do this because
I hadn't found a job I liked and was not employed at the time.
Still, it was difficult.something
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something that we are taught very little about and that we most
often fear because of this ignorance.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't have family member's that were willing or perhaps able to
discuss it with me.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was the death of my mother's cousin, who was injured in an
altercation with some acquantinces. He was ruled brain dead and
was taken off life support at the request of his family. I did
not know him well but was at the hospital with his family because
of my family's proximity to the hospital where it occured.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the thought that I didn't know how I was going to be able to
continue on. But then, I realized that this person wanted me to
do just that and that is what gave me the strength to go on.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is a natural part of life and that we should learn about
it just like everything else, before we have to confront it directly.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the kindness of people who opened their hearts to me, even people
I hardly knew and even complete strangers. At the hospital,
as my mother was dying, the woman next door to her came to offer
her condolences. We had never even said hello before.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family's ability to just give me space when I needed it to sort
out feelings.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss not only of my mother but really also my best friend
and supporter.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Even though it is difficult, the dying person may need you to tell
them it's okay to let go.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
think people have to realize that death is inevitable, that you can
prepare for it, that it isn't always the worst thing that could
happen, and that we can all help each other if a real dialogue
about the issue is opened.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I tried to be the strong one and hold everyone else and everything
else together instead of letting myself fall apart a little, as
was natural.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I don't regret it and I'm sure people understand that the tremendous
stress of the moment can make us a little crazy at times. I think
our bodies and minds often do things to help us deal with a situation
that is too much to handle.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my mom how I felt about her again, although I know she knew
anyway.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
move in with her and help make her last five months more comfortable
and also spend that precious time with her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I think that in the whirlwind of things going on around a person's
death, the people closest to that person are just trying to make it
through everything. There was a time, a few weeks after her death
when I finally accepted she was gone. There is such an emphasis
on the funeral and burial. But you just don't feel it overnight.
I had my own memorial then, remembering her the way I wanted to,
not the way it is "supposed to be done."
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
making the arrangements for the casket, etc. seemed to border on
the ridiculous for me. I guess it seemed strange to be making such
a fuss over a body. I didn't see that body as what the essence of
what my mother was. It was just a body for me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have a dream that still includes my mother and then wake up and
realize it was just a dream and she is gone.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I'd like to think I would live my life the same way, but truthfully,
I'd try to be kinder to her on a day-to-day basis. And, I guess
I would want to do things that would make her proud. Maybe, try
not to waste my time on things that aren't really important.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that a really good person like my mother doesn't get to live to
old age and there are nasty, mean people out there who live to be
very old.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
escape in some way, run away I guess. But her death has really
strengthened my ties with my family, so that would be impossible.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt a pain unlike any other that I had felt and it really put
things in perspective for me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude for the sensitivity of everyone we came in contact with.
Although noone enjoys being in the hospital often, we encountered
a lot of really caring people who also did their jobs well.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Although cancer was involved and their is a hospice system in place,
we really didn't use the system to the extent we could have or
maybe should have.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a caring pastor who we had know for a long time visiting with us
and also being available for my mother to speak with, privately,
about her feelings and concerns. Also, a group of fellow church
members who visited those in the hospital regularly.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was raised Lutheran but rarely attend church now.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very accurate. Although I was raised in a particular religious
tradition, my beliefs about death and what happens after death in
many ways do not agree with that religion.
--Regarding MONEY:
because I chose to leave my job and care for my mother, I became
dependent again on my father's generosity. And although I regret
not being more financially sound at the time, I do not regret
the decision.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was a very moving tribute to the positive effect my mother had
on people. It was an indication of those who cared for her and
about us.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the visitation before the funeral. The idea of having people come
and view the person was strange to me.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a change in the person's skin tone and in the way they breathe.
For me, the moment I walked in the door that day, I knew. There was
a tangible change in her appearance but also her 'focus' was no
longer in that room or with us.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
there was no set pattern to my grief. It changed from day to day
often unpredictably. There are good and bad days still. I think
people should just understand that everyone grieves differently
and there is no right or wrong way.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I was not aware of anything like this in the case of my mother
although I'm not sure if she would have shared it as I think
she was trying to in some ways shield us from the reality of her
impending death.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I've not had such an experience.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I don't have that many unresolved issues with my mother. I think
it's important for me now to have a realistic memory of her,
not an idealistic one like we often make after a person is gone.
No one is perfect so you have to accept it and move on.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd just hope that I could express my love for her and I'd hope
that she was proud of me and loved me as much as I did her.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Although I would not say that my mother visited me after her death, I
did have several strange occurances in the days just after her death.
On several occasions, I had what I would call an acute awareness
of an insect or bird near me. It happened often in a few days.
But I can't say whether it was because of a heightened emotional
state. The way I took it was as an assurance that the 'spirit'
of my mother was with me, near me; and I found it quite comforting.
Strangely, it stopped happening after a few days, although I feel
it again once in a while, often when I really miss her.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think it's important to make your wishes known to those close
to you, especially based on the possibilities of medical treatment
today. There are many times when treatment cannot save a person's
life but can prolong it; and I think those are important decisions
to be discussed. Also, I think organ donation can be a difficult
choice for families if it hasn't been discussed. Finally, I had
no idea how many arrangements needed to be made after a death and I
think that can unnecessarily add to the stress a family is feeling.
I really believe these things need to be part of a public dialogue
to make the whole process easier for everyone involved.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have always found the subject of death and dying to be an important
one for me. As such' I've thought and read a lot about it.
I don't really have a fear of death. I guess I just hope that it
wouldn't be too difficult for those who care about me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
As I noted before, it took a few weeks for the shock of the whole
time to wear off and for me to start accepting it. I took the time
to mentally write my mother a letter saying all the things I wished
I had said earlier and that gave me an amount of closure.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have a new sense of making myself aware of the small things in
life. I try not to just rush through my day without appreciating
things.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I haven't really forged any new friendships but I have really
deepened my friendship with my sister. I think that we both lost
a best friend in my mother.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
I think the entire family's anger about the circumstances leading
to his death made the issue difficult for everyone.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I found that taking my mother's clothing to a charity was a good
waynot only to help others but also to get a sense of closure.
Sorting through her possessions, knowing that she would want
others to have them was comforting to me. It was good to know that
something positive could result from the situation.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Overall, I found the survey to be very thorough and well-worded.
I think it covered all the major topics of death and grief.
On a personal note, I found it extremely helpful in continuing my
grieving process. The questions pushed me to articulate feelings I
hadn't before. Although some of these issues are still difficult,
I think it helps the healing process to think about them without
dwelling on it. So, thank you.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
None that I can think of.
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Sun Jun 13 19:24:38 1999
F18 in Dublin, Georgia =USA=
Name: Kerrie hudson
Email: <snoopyhawn-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: student---nursing
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 54.
--Details:
I remember him the day before he died. He was very confused and
called me by my sister's name.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when something is taken away from us for no reason and causes a
hole to develop in our heart.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not believe it at first. Then I became really angry.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was a boy who was in my third grade class.
We were not close, but it taught me what death was about.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the awful pain and syffering it caused.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
everyone grieves in different ways.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it ended my Papa's pain. He no longer suffered.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends and their ability to let me grieve privately but
constantly let me know they were there if I needed them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loneliness and missing them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
see them as much as you can, you never know if it is your last
chance or not.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned it was okay to grieve and to let my emotions out.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they are there one minute and then next they are suddenly gone.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i was scared and nervous and laughing was the only way I knew to
cope with that.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him goodbye and i love him one last time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for him those last few months.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
everyone shared a precious moment that involved him to everyone else.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the way the funeral was conducted
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see something that reminds me of him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think I would be living a better life style.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he had to miss out on so much.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
mourned and cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratefulness.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they were very thoughtful and helpful.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
going to church all the time and being very close to God.
--Religious Affiliation:
current- almost no existent past- very close relationship with God
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
unsure
--Regarding MONEY:
of not an issue at all.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
thankfulness to all those who came and gave their condolenses.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the suddenness of it all.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i am not sure
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I cried and remembered.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i have none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think our relationship wsa perfect and nothing was left unresolved.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
the will
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i would like to resolve everything and I would be sad to be leaving
behind my loved ones.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
me reaching out to someone
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought back a lot of memories, good and bad.
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Sun Jun 13 18:13:46 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
yahoo search engine under surveys
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 days ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 14.
--Details:
She had had cancer for a very long time and she finally gave up
and died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the absence of thought and everything else.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried only a little.
--That first time, how it happened was
Both of my neighbors died. They were pretty old so it wasn't
too bad. One died in an accident, one of natural causes. We were
pretty close.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everybody tries to find an answer for why people die. usually
in religion.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
stop trying to use religion to explain it. stop feeling bad for
the person who is dead. it only bothers the people left living.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
people who understood how i felt
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the idea of never seeing them or talking to them or being with
them again
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
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Sun Jun 13 17:32:22 1999
F19 in temple, tx =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo search
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Prof/Studies: student
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More personal info:
i am sorry that i do not type better than i do. i hope that my
thoguhs come across.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: coronary thrombosis; Aged: 72?.
--Details:
my grandmother had been down visiting us. I got home from school
one day and she was feeling very weak, very bad. I had no real way
to deal with the way she was feeling. they took her to the er that
next morning. somehow, i think i knew, i could not bring myself to
say goodbye to her as they left. i merely hid more under the covers.
she died at 8 am that morning. i was at school. my boyfriend at
the time brought me home and i found out when i got upstairs to
our apartment. i was devastated. and still feel giulty that i was
not able to bring myself to say goodby when i knew subconsciusly
she was dying
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an end to this lifetime.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was not really aware of what death was, but i was not afraid of it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...i grew up in a very small town. the man who
died was the owner of the only store in town. he went to my church,
and i just remember seeing him in a dream not long after he died.
he died from a gall bladder infection, i think. he was very old,
86, maybe.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being a pallbeareer with all of my cousins at the funreal
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that we should not teach fear when it comes to death
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the freinds who supported me
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my bible. i was never very into reading my bible until my
grandmothers death
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not saying goodbye
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
telling them that it is okay to let go and they do not have to
"hang on" for anyone
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found strength throught my family
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i leanerd the cause of death
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
none like this
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
learn more about how my grandmother and grandfather had a happy
fmaily so long
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend the last few days with her
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i sat down at her piano and realized the strenght and talent which
was no longer with us all
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
being sad after the funreal at a somber wake. we had a party,
someone got hotdogs and hamburger patties. we were all up until
the wee hours of the morning
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i wish i had someone to giude mr throught he difficult pioints in
my life
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
don't really like to thinkof it that way
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that more did not get to kow her
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and creid and creid at the funreal
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
my grandfather was a minister, so we looked to the church upon my
grandmothes death
--Religious Affiliation:
methodist, in past lately, i am searching for a church in which
i do not feel so alone
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right. DEath can be considered the great equalizer. we all die
eventually.
--Regarding MONEY:
there was tremendous confusion and hostility between my mother, the
exuctor of the will and my aunt. the agreement had been that all the
money from my grandmother varous mutual funds, some 150,000 dollars
would be pooled into the estate after the check had been sent to the
beneficiares(the childern) my aunt decide dthat she was going to keep
all of her money. and then still demanded her 1/4 from the estate
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
markedly formal, until the party afterwards
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when the whole family sat in my grandmothers living room and myaunt
demanded that we "split" the things up which we wanted. she began
to say, we bought this for grandmother, so we should have it back.
i saw it as very cold and calus
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
people seem to kow when they are going to die, they will tell you
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i went througha rough time, more so than most of the people also
involved. but i began healing after awhile
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
know of none
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
know of none
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would say i was sorry for not saying good bye to her
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i dreamt once that my grandfather was in our old house. he said
nothign to me and i nothing to him, but it was more like he was
wathing over us
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
do not resucitate is a true wish. for a family to disregard a
patients feelingabout this is incredibly selfish
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i would just want my freinds to not be sad.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i had one song which always reminds me of th day of the funeral.
and i also have soime mements i keep
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes, my boyfreind was extremely supportive of me and from that,
we have createed a life long bond, which is still there, even after
we are no longer together
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
i was very young, death was not "unatural" i just accepted that,
it happend
no real hinderances
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i volunteered for a childrens clinic at the hostpital she died at
and helped children who were so very aware of there own impending
mortality
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
very useful
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Sun Jun 13 15:18:40 1999
F32 in Inuvik, NT =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Feline Urological Syndrome; Aged: 2.5 years.
--Details:
I still feel his death was my fault because I didn't take care to
provide low-ash food for him. He survived for more than a week in a
highly toxic state while we struggled to find veterinary care for him
(we live in a remote region). By the time we got him to the vet,
it was too late. I feel deep remorse because I have a strong sense
of attachment and responsibilty for my pets.
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--Death Is:
A cheap excuse to give way to superstion, fear, and excessive
sentimentality. Because we do not understand it, we fear and
deny it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Didn't understand what was going on.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my paternal grandfather died when I was
about six. I did not attend the funeral, and was left to stay with
my mother's sister. The funeral was held a day's travel away.
My mom came back with nice presents for me. It was a long time
before I understood what had happened.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Feeling empty and ashamed at my own lack of response.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is inevetable and necessary.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It has taught me to be more responsible to those who need me,
and appreciate what I have.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My beliefs and my partner.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching him struggle and fight when we could do so little to help.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
n/a
--[My cat's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
wish I had fed him low-ash cat food and had a contigency plan for
his illness.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
No one seemed to care because it was "just a cat".
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that didn't happen. I laugh at death all the time (morbid sense
of humor) so I don't feel the urge when the real thing comes up.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Make 'Bus happy and hug him one last time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Send him to a vet who was able to end his suffering and dispose of
his remains in a decent way.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a cat which resmbles 'Bus, or one of our other cats does
something to remind me of him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
The reality of loss remains a spectre that hangs over our existence.
I don't like projecting on what cannot be.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Death isn't fair, it just _is_.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see above
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt there was a big hole in my life.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
frustration at the difficulty in finding care.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. Most say animals have no souls...
--Religious Affiliation:
Anglican (past) None (current)
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
To all things there is a beginning and an end, and each end prepares
the stage for new beginnings.
--Regarding MONEY:
We couldn't afford to help him, and because he wasn't _human_,
nobody cared!
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
n/a
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The strange sense of releif when it was all over.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The light went out of his eyes, and his attention was purely focused
on his struggle to survive.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I do it all back asswards.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I was in a car accident that took a week from my life - I have no
memories of my stay in hospital, and the amnesia appears permanent.
This is how I came to understand that when you're dead, you don't
know you're dead, because you _aren't_there_anymore_. I no longer
fear death like other people do: been there, done that, came back
from the edge.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
n/a
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to say "I'm sorry, 'Bus" to which he would probably say
"F* you, I'm dead.". He was a cat with an excess of personality.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I kid myself that my cat has been reincarnated as a raven (he used
to love watching them out the window). I know it's probably not
true, but it makes me feel better.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want to have any useful bits donated to whoever can use them,
and the rest cremated without ceremony. Funerals are a waste of
money and energy. Give me the flowers when I can still smell them!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope it doesn't hurt too much, and that I am well-remembered.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Talking with my partner about our dead pet and all his quirky ways.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I try to include his image or name in our daily life.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
not really
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I believe everyone dies and there's no helping it. The important
thing is to concentrate on life and appreciating what you have.
The thing about dying is, you're dead, so you don't exist anymore,
and that's that. I think people would be a lot happier if they
came to terms with the fact that we are finite beings.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
I feel people overreact to death and I feel ashamed because I
accept and understand it. This does not mean I don't feel sorrow,
I just think people carry on too much. It's like death is a hideous
thing, when it's not. Every story has an end, including that of
our individual existences. If there weren't an end, the beginning
and the stuff in the middle (life) wouldn't mean as much.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
A real vet to heal my sick kitty.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I liked being able to express my point of view anonymously. I think
most people would find it creepy.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
It was pretty complete, though some areas do not apply in all cases.
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Sat Jun 12 21:28:49 1999
F17 in St. Joseph, MN =usa=
Email: <stubbyneez-at-yahoo.com>
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Prof/Studies: Video store clerk
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Car accident; Aged: 15.
--Details:
They were rollerblading near their house, and they were hit and
killed by a drunk driver.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The time in your life where God wants you to join him so he takes
you away in a way that he sees fit.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was very young, and the whole time people were telling me what I
should remember about her
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My great grandmother died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How everybody at the funeral was sad until we ate dinner and started
talking about a funny thing that Dan did once.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to accept it as a natural thing
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It opened people's eyes a little more about the drinking/driving
problems
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Crying by my self
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
viewing the body, after being made up by the mortitian
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
will never drink as long as I live
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first heard about it
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I'm glad i wasn't afraid to let it out
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
invite dan to my b-day party, so he wouldn't have been blading
that day
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
learn from it
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I saw teachers at the wake
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that they were so young
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
take back things I said to him when I got mad
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
dropped to my knees and then called my mom
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
some people's times seem too short, but if they could have been
saved, they would have
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
his brother and I going to mcdonalds with friends instead of the
funeral dinner
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
burial
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My Parents
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Organ donation
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
the tatoos. It sounds kind of weird but, some of dan's close
friends and reletives got his initials tatooed on their ankles,
whenever I see that I think of Dan.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I am closer to Dan's brother
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
more hugs, I dont like to hug, so people were ignoring my need
for them
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
alright
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Sat Jun 12 17:28:58 1999
F46 in davenport, ia =usa=
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 25 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: complications of prescription drugs; Aged: 52.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the physical body ceases to function but the spirit or essence
moves to a higher existance or awareness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was unsure of what was 'expected' of me, I knew that I would not
be with the person any more, but it was no more difficult to accept
than if the person had moved away
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather passed away after a brief
illness
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
two deer came out of the woods outside the cemetary, my sister had
been an animal lover all her life, and it seemed as though it was
a sign from beyond that all was well
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
there is no reason to fear the dead body or the cemetary, the person
we knew is not there
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the deer that 'attended' my sisters internment (reference to a
previous answer)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my religious beliefs, while i am comforted by them of course i
still have the human fear of the unknown-ie death
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
talk to them, touch them--they are aware up to and even after
the death of the physical body, they're not going to hurt you,
be there for them
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when the actual point of death occurred, with the medical assistance
of today, it seems impossible to know
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
when my sister was dying, we did laugh at times, it was appropriate
to her and her life. she loved life and she wouldn't have wanted
to think that she was the cause of all the tears and moaning. even
though she could not respond we told her how much we would miss
her and also how much we would remember the good times we had
experienced together, we recalled with her even while she was in
coma, stories of past times and the only appropriate response was
a quiet but definate laugh, she wouldn't have wanted it any other way
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i felt that way when i was a teenager and my mother died, but as an
adult, i have accepted the fact that nothing in the physical world
is forever and if you can't accept that, you will make yourself crazy
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the Bible
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian of no particular denomination, i find comfort and
enlightenment in all religions, mainly Judeo-Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
people take comfort in their beliefs, whatever they are, we will
only find out for sure after our own death
--Regarding MONEY:
money seemed to be a release for guilt in far too large a degree,
unfortunately too often, the funeral is too expense because the
family is afraid others will judge how much they loved the deceased
by how expensive the funeral was
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it has become a profit opportunity to take advantage of people in
emotional distress
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
the day my husband's brother died, my husband, being a nightshift
worker, was asleep. at the precise moment of death, my husband
awoke, looked at the clock, noted the time, and went back to
sleep. later he found out the meaning of the happening.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
if a person has no hope of recovery, assist them to die, not by
assisted suicide, but by removing if possible all pain and allowing
them to go gently without the supposed heroic measures of modern
medicine if one wishes to be an organ donor, they must make this
known to their next of kin in no uncertain terms, putting it in
the will is too late to do any good
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Jun 12 14:54:24 1999
F49 in Winterton, Newfoundland =CANADA=
Name: Linda W.
Email: <linern.walker-at-nf.sympatico.ca>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Receptionist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 15 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 58.
--Details:
Death was unexpected - took years to get over. She was a special
person to me and even now 15 years later I truly miss her.
Seeing her dead on the floor was something I never forgot.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our bodies wear out or give out and our souls are transferred
to another realm.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was afraid to view the body.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... a 2-year old cousin of mine died and all I
understood was that the parents were totally devistated and after
that I worried that my parents would die.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How alone we are in life. How short our time is. How much more we
needed to say to the person who died. How we needed to tell them
we loved them and cared. How we needed to be more attentive to them.
--What I think my (CANADA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is inevitable...we will all die. We should talk more openly
about it and prepare better for it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It helped me realize the gift of having the person as long as I
did and how much she influenced my life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
People acknowledging that I have suffered a loss. More family
members around would have been helpful. More support and guidance
from religious people would have helped.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The finality of it all. Enduring the 3 days of torture looking at
the body in the funeral home and not being able to touch her and
feeling guilty about that.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
try to approach the fact that they are dying and what their wishes
would be and what they fear.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to eventually come to terms; that losing a mother has to
be one of the hardest things to overcome; that she was so special
and Iwas lucky to have her as long as I did.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The feeling that I was being punished somehow by having her taken
away.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk more to her about impending death, her fears, her acceptance.
Learn more about family members; pay more attention to little things
like how she viewed family life.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Eventually get over the anger and resentment that she left us or
God took her. Feeling that there is a plan to things, that it was
her time and I will see her again.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The one thing that comes to mind is that ONE person remembered to
send over some food for those who needed it. It was a sign to me
that life has to continue for the living.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
What music was played at the funeral...the protocol needed. It was
all a blurr really and none of it mattered.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have special moments I would like to share or talk about things
that bother me to the one person who really knew me and my fears
(Mom).
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Depression would not be such a big part of my life as it is now.
She would probably live close to me and I could make her life easier
and happier and she would be there for me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
"I hate God for doing this, taking away the one person I truly
needed in my life"
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I would like to join my Mother in death.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried a lot, still couldn't look at pictures of her as she seemed
so real. Longed for her touch and advice.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I think they gave up on her too soon, they didn't do all they could
to prolong her life.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
It was the one saving grace - as I truly believe we will see the
person again in the after-life and that the soul lives on. I need
to believe this.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
The Spirit lives on....this has been seen time and time again
in history.
--Regarding MONEY:
It was all such a rip-off when you are grieving you don't really
have the ability to watch finances and realize a lot of it is wasted,
as the body is just a frame of who we really are.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The numbness I felt....don't even remember who was there or what
really happened.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the suddeness of it all - the unexpected feelings - the lack of
preparation beforehand. The feeling that she (MOM) seemed to sense
the end was near even though she was so young and the question of
why she didn't share it with us.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I should have paid more attention to her health complaints, taken
them more seriously and been more considerate. Her breathing
problems, smoking too much & drinking too much coffee were signs.
Should have spoken to the doctors.Take yoyu
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Take your own time no matter how long to deal with it. If you can't
bear to look at pictures that is okay for as long as it takes;
Be your own judge on how you have to cope with it. Maybe seek
professional help to have someone to talk to if you need to.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My Mom told a story of how when she was young and living on a farm,
the children were alone and heard a knock on the window. When they
looked out they saw an uncle looking in. Then he disappeared.
When the parents returned they repor ted that the uncle in question
had just passed away, yet when they checked outside in the newly
fallen snow there were no footprints to be seen.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I had to come to terms with the fact that she was not super perfect,
that she made mistakes and had flaws too. Therapy helped me
realize that.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I do this through prayer at church - talk to her and ask her to
pray for me and watch over me. I am sad that she cannot share my
life and events though.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
For a long time I had recurring dreams that my Mom came back and
we rejoiced saying we thought she was dead, but everything would
be okay now and we would buy her new clothes. It was a wonderful
sense of having her back.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It is important to make some sort of living will - or make it known
that you do not want to be kept on life support or that you feel
organ donation is an excellent idea. Also, that the funeral itself
should not be a financial burden - it should be done as cheaply as
can be.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have given a lot of thought about my own death. maybe because I
suffer from depression it is a part of it, but I do not fear death,
at times I would welcome it to be with my Mother and to not have
to deal with the agonies of this life.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Not so much in the death of my mother, as it was a total shock,
but with the death of my father, it helped tremendously to talk
about him right away and acknowledge he had died.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have found that I often quote my mother's beliefs and sayings
and rituals. I wish I had her around to talk more about what life
was for her when she was young, etc.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I realize now that the more people around at the time, the easier
it is to cope. Supplying food for those around is helpful as it
takes the burden off of the family. Talking about the person too
is so important, not just ignoring that he passed on. Also saying
he/she "looks good" in the coffin annoys me - cause I know they
looked better alive!
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I enjoyed doing it, as it helped me come to terms with some of the
things I went through, even though it was some time ago I have
never gotten over my Mom's death. I felt somehwat depressed at
reliving it all, but realize I learned a lot through the experience
and hopefully will deal better the next time it happens.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Why do we all seem to feel death will happen to everyone else but
those around us or even ourselves? My Mother believed that death
is a normal part of life...why is it so hard to accept that?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Jun 11 21:13:04 1999
F16 in , =USA=
Name: Sarah
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looked up serveys on snap.com
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tuesdays With Morrie
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Mitch Albom
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 7 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer- liver/ stomach; Aged: 48.
--Details:
he was my best friend's father. it was slow and painful, he waisted
away every day but seemed to deal with it well, i guess.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of what we know and the begining of the inconcievable
eternaty.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young, and i didnt understand it untill i noticed they
werent around anyomore. it made me sad and left a sort of void when
i went to their house and they didnt live there.
--That first time, how it happened was
a person who once was a close friend of mine and i had lost touch
with killed himself by taking a bottle of asprin with a bottle
of vodka and hanging himself in the closet. it was horrible, for
about a year afterwards i thought everyone who was a second late,
or had a cough was going to die. i thought that anyone i was mean
to would kill themselves.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fact that my best friend(whose father died) never cried once,
never talked to me about it, but went to people she didnt know for
comfort... im still curious.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
i suppose i was born into the American reaction b/c i dont really
have a religious standpoint. i guess people need to look at death
as something not to be afraid of, and as life as something to enjoy
until its over. you never know if death is better than life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that he didnt die on my best friend's birthday.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my ability to write my thoughts on paper and confide in a blank sheet
and a pen for whatever needed to be said, and the ability to cry for
no reason about everything bad in the world to serve as a catharsis.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that they no longer lived in the house, and when i called
the house for up to a month afterwards, his voice was still on the
answering machine.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
confided in writing, and cryed till it went away.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
at the funeral, i couldnt believe he was in the box in front of
me. and i couldnt believe they were lowering it into the ground.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
call him (the suicide) like i had planned the week before, maybe
he would have felt like people really think of him.
--But some things worke
