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Mon May 31 11:31:07 1999
M27 in Fort Worth, Texas =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Classical Musician
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother,  1 1/2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 43.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was in extreme shock and denial.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My mom died of cancer.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     the grieving period is long.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     telling my mother I loved her.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     a counselor.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the thought of never experiening the wonderful times we had
together again.
  
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     she stopped breathing.  I never thought it would happen.  I thought
I would have a mother until I was old.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I was in shock and trying to pretend it didn't happen.  I pretended
that life was going to be just fine.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     have one last conversation with her about the past and the future.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     to say goodbye.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I revisit special places.  Also when I see little things that she
loved so much.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would be softer.  Death has hardened my life somewhat and made
it more difficult to be sensitive to others.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     when there are so many horrible wretched people walking the earth,
that someone so loving and wonderful had to die and they get to live.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     escape.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     decided that I had to live my own life and look out for myself.
I couldn't focus on the past when I had so much ahead of me.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     disgust.  The medical is full of greedy, untalented, cold people.
I am told it is not all like that, but I have yet to see it.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     what contact?  they wouldn't get involved.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Trying to cope with what lies ahead.  I did have some comfort
knowing that she would be going to better place than where I am.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     christian
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     I wasn't concerned with money at the time.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     no one could look at her when she was lying there.  That really
upset me.  She was still beautiful.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     struggling to make it erase and rewind.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     loss of energy.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     it just takes time to adjust.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     She said her shoes were gold.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I feel a warmth when I think about her instead of crying.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I have had dreams almost every night about her the first year after
her death.  Most of them involved reliving the death again.  It was
very painful.  I couldn't sleep very well at all that year.  I was
terrified of the dark for the first time in my life.  I do remember
her offering me advice occasionally about the way I was living.
I was able to tell her stuff going on in my life which provided
some relief to the grieving process.  Then one day about 3 months
ago, she appeared to me in a dream and I was able to say goodbye.
We both said "I love you" and everything seemed to lighten.  I now
have dreams where she is still a part of the family in all of our
daily lives.  It just seems natural for her to be there and isn't
a big deal.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I am living every day to the fullest.  I don't know what more I
can do to prepare for death.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I bought her an ornament for the Christmas tree the first year.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I don't know that I have worked through it yet.  Right now I think
I still have some denial to help cope with daily life.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     One of the parents of a student I teach has kind of taken somewhat
of a motherly role.  She is has been very supportive and encouraging
to me.  I have also become much closer to my mother in law.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Adult  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Keeping Busy 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Abandonment 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I needed people to listen and not judge.  I didn't feel that people
wanted to hear about what I was going through, so I kept silent.
Others would tell me to move on.  I didn't fell that anyone really
understood how I felt.  I just needed someone to reach and listen.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It brought out some sadness and some anger.
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Mon May 31 09:10:14 1999
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 2 months  ago.
Cause of Death: suicide;   Aged: 20.

--Details: 
     two months ago Danny was alive...it was on March 29, 1999 that
he decided to take his life by shooting himself in the head with
a shotgun.  And as my uncle says, there were no signs of depression,
none at all...twenty minutes before he did it, he was playing and
teasing my cousin, his sister...then he went upstairs and killed
himself...he only left a note saying that he loved everybody, but
he was going to be with his mom (my aunt died 8 years earlier,
when we were 12)...danny and I were really close and his death
has brought a lot of shock and uncertainty into my life. The last
time I saw him he was fine...we talked and hung out, and now he's
dead...by his own hand...that's extremelly hard to grasp...even
harder than all the other deaths I've had to go through...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the natural cycle of life...you live to die.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was 3 years old, and it's been a neverending cycle since
then...people are dying constantly in my life...I finally get over
one death and then another occurs.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...it was my great-grandmother, I was onlyh 3
	years old...I don't remember having any memories of her before she
	died, and at that age, I didn't really know what death was.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     Danny's sisters crying at his funeral, one saying, "My baby brother
killed himself"..."WHY!!!???!!!", and it made my heart break more
than it already had...

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     being alone, and dealing with it myself.  It gets tiring to hear
people say I"m sorry, over and over again, because they don't know
how to comfort you...and it gets sickening having people ask how
you are doing...it's better to be alone
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     not knowing WHY he decided to take his life...
  
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    -none- 
     this death I really didn't need any help with...I really didn't
know her that well, and I was young anyway...I didn't have a grasp
on what was going on, and nobody really talked to me about it.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Denial 
     after I experienced many more deaths...specifically 7 deaths in 5
years of close friends and relatives, and just another two months
ago of a close cousin...i've spent a lot of time in denial...it's
hard to get past the fact that those people are gone forever.
I thought that the more deaths I had to put up with, the easier
it would get...it sounds crazy, but it's just gotten harder..much
harder because so many people I've loved have died in such larger
clusters, and all in a small amount of time...

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Sun May 30 15:18:00 1999
F29 in pittsburgh, pa =usa=
Name: amanda
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  trying to find bibliography info for "On Death and Dying"

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Prof/Studies: psychology student
 
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More personal info: 
     do not post email address
 
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	On Death and Dying
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Kubla-Ross
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You),  yrs ago.
Aged: 
--Details: 
     I have had several distant relatives die, but no close relatives
or friends as of yet (I'm 29), Thank God.  It may sound callous,
but the deaths that have had the most impact on me have been the
deaths of pets.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     something that makes the people still alive suffer greatly.  It is
the great equalizer, and something many people fear.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     felt such a sense of loss and pain, and had uncontrollable outbursts
of tears for a while.  Also, I couldn't understand why all the
adults were having a party.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was... my pet toy fox terrier was hit by a car and
	my mother didn't tell me until I asked where the dog was a few days
	later.  I felt so guilty for not noticing as soon as she was missing.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     How the widow, my aunt, seemed to have an enormous amount of
emotional pain, and how the deceased's brother, my father, seemed
completely impassive

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     Giving flowers to a dead person is riduculous and too late.
People need to stop living in denial about their mortality so that
they appreciate the people around them and spend more time with
them before they die.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     It made me aware of the fact that the people I care about won't
always be around.  I've learned to appreciate people more that
material things.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     God, and my personal belief system.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     The emotional pain that seems to imbue my whole being.  It is so
powerful and overwhelming.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     NA
 
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Noting springs to mind.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     When I  was overwhelmed by grief, and each moment seemed like
an eternity

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     This hasnt' happened to me.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Find about more about the deceased as a person, and their life
experiences.  Spend more time with the person.  Be there for them.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Get  through the grief and resume living normally.  Gradually the
sharp, acute pain fades away into a dull ache.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     nothing comes to mind
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     The hundreds of dollars worth of flowers and the expensive, ornate
caskets that get stuck in the ground. I think these things help to
alleviate the consciences of the survivors.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     This doesn't happen because no one extremely significant to me
has died.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I don't know

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     being mortal

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     get all of the grief out of my body all at once by throwing up or
something, instead of feeling it
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt so powerless because nothing I could do would make that person
be alive

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     I think the medical community become desensitized to death in order
to do their job.  I think sensitivity training should be a college
course for med students and nurses
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     My great grandmother died of Parkinson's and had quite a long nursing
home stay.  The nurses always  complained about her crabbiness,
and I thought that anyone would be crabby in her conditon
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     the knowledge that I would be reunited with the people that die,
after my own death
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Christian
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     I think God has empathy for our grief
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     NA
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     It feels so contrived

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     I don't know

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     Some terminally ill people seem to know that they will die soon

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     I don't know
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     NA
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     NA
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     NA

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I don't think it would help

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     My Grandmother said that her mother came to her in her bedroom at
night within several months after she died.  My grandmother is the
most unsuperstitious, skeptical I know, and I believe this did
happen to her.  She said she was frightened, and the apparition
moved her from lying vertically to lying horizontally across the bed.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     Funerals are for the living and should be taylored to them. I
think a person has a right to dispose of their wordly goods as they
see fit.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I have been extremely conscious of my mortality since I've been 6
yrs old.  I hate that.  The good thing is that it helps me try to
make the most of each day.  I don't want to know when I'm going
to die.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     Imagining grief as ocean waves, and knowing that waves eventually
break

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I continually remind myself what's important in life

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     Yes, I have.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Friends' Insensitivities 
     and family's insensitivities
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     Someone to hold me when I cry, who wasn't afraid of another's
grief, and who knows that silence can be just as therapeutic as
talking sometimes

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Sat May 29 08:09:15 1999
Anonymous Guest
Name: tim
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack;   Aged: 83.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the ending of life for a certain individual

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     didn't know what to do

--That first time, how it happened was
     relative had heart attack

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     everyone crying

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     there is no after-life or heaven or some mystical that our 'souls'
go to. this is just something made up so we can face death, knowing
that people say there is something after life. our bodies 'soul'
are just a bunch of electrical impulses. we are like a certain
device needing batteries to run. if a your walkmans batteries ran
out you would not go about leading the next few days of your life in
mourning. a 'soul' does not leave the walkman because the potential
for electrical signals are still there, and like with us they are
still there, dormant. but, as of yet science has not found a way
of restarting these electrical impulses and these deteriorate along
with the death of the body.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    -none- 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 

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Fri May 28 09:37:51 1999
F32 in , DE =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Telecommunications
 
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	Talking to Heaven
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 6months ago.
Cause of Death: Thyroid over active;   Aged: 32.

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--Death Is: 
     loss, heartache, scary

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     froze and disasociated

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     My friend laying in the coffin and how lonely she looked

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It should not be scary

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Therepy
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Feeling the feelings
  
--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     Cry.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     Fear of Death Allowing myself to Grieve  Therepist

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would like to know if she is o.k. If she knew it was coming?
What was her last thought?  It will put my mind at ease

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Twice in that past six months she came to me in my dreams Once
she was a ghost in my dreams second time she told me she was in pain

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     Since my friends death I started having major panic attacks because
of my fear of death.  I need to come up with a spiritual belief of
some sort to overcome this fear.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I started to talk to the stars at night. It brings me peace

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I started to talk to the stars at night. It brings me peace

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     yes

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I felt forced to go to the viewing that I was not comfortable with.
Now whenever I think about my friend that is all I see is her laying
in her coffin.
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Thu May 27 22:13:15 1999
F16 in auburn, ca =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  yahoo

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Prof/Studies: student
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), 2 ago.
Aged: 58
--Details: 
     my dad's girlfriend, barbara (nearly my step-mom...he was just too
much of a bastard to marry her) had lung cancer, which eventually
spread all over her entire body, into her bones & formed a tumor
on her spine which nearly rendered her unable to move

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     an unexpected, undesired end to life. it always happens too soon,
and is an unfortunate event that ends someone's life before their
light has ceased to glow. rarely is it a blessing - only in cases of
extreme "oldness" or painful, terminal diseases is it a relief. but
it ALWAYS brings grief

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried and felt very sad.

--That first time, how it happened was
     my great uncle commited suicide - i didn't know he had (my father
	just told me he had died) until years later

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     when i couldn't remember her laugh anymore. i almost died, because
i knew i would never hear it again to help me remember. i tried
and struggled to piece together the sound.

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that assisted suicide should be accepted, because it is one of the
most kind and humane things, if a person has good reason to feel
their life needs to end, such as a terminal disease

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the kindness and goodness that barbara shared with me and taught me

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     a song by the cure called treasure that goes "rembeber me and smile,
for its better to forget, than to remember me and cry"
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the fact that it was son undeserved - barbara was one of the most
kind-hearted people i knew
  
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     i feel that a lot, in moments of great radgedy - the sickening
urge to laugh, not a real laugh. i think it's a defense mechanism -
youre mind trying to overrule your grief by forcing you to laugh
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     get to know barbara better, i knew her for 5 or so years, but never
REALLY got to know her

--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     she moved out of the house dad & she shared because they could no
longer afford payments, and she moved in with her daughter to spend
time with her grandchildren - when we were saying goodbye,i tolde
her that i loved her and she said "i love you too" so she knew that
i loved her, before she died
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     i realize that the memory of barbara is slowly fading & ill never
be able to get them back - also, things that smell like her, a
certain brand of mousse, obsession perfume, lipsmackers chapstick...

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     she was so good - she didnt deserve it.

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt like someone had punched me in the stomach & my world had
just crumbled

--Religious Affiliation:
     none
 
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     i had a dream the other day that i was in the supermarket & barbara
walked in. i didnt believe it cos she was supposed to be dead, but sh
e told me that it wasnt real....i cant really remember all of it....

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     always make a closure - forgive and forget & admit love

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Passage of Time 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Other: 
     shock - it was the first death i'd ever experienced: rather traumatic
 
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     a lot of the questions, i couldnt answer beacuse they didnt fit my
experience, but it was kinda hard to answer some questoins

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Thu May 27 18:08:05 1999
F28 in , ny =suffolk=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: attorney
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather,  yrs ago.
Cause of Death: brain tumor;   Aged: 70.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     A person disappearing forever

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was confused

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...I was told early in the morning by my mother
	and father that my uncle had died and they were going to the funeral

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     feeling numb and trying very hard to keep my sanity

--What I think my (suffolk) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It is final

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     nothing

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     there is nothing that can help except denial or anything that has
nothing to remind me of death.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Not being able to express my true emotions in the manner I wanted.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Just be present and do or be anyone or act anyway that person
feels comfortable
 
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I was never confused

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I didnt laugh
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Let my grandfather attend my wedding, irregardles of his
eccentricities and alcoholism, given him more time with me and
accepting more of his invitations.

--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     The veterans came to the wake and said prayers.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     Everything is important

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     That is a complete fantasy not worth the time thinking about.
It in no way makes anything better.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I havent had that thought.  Death comes to everyone.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     Forget.
 
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     Greed, corruption, uncaring, selfishness, without empathy.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     A place to feel closer to the person if you dont think too hard
about it.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Roman Catholic.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     Scary, out of my control.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     Money didnt matter.  They were only going to die once.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     Having many people present can take your mind off of it even if it
is for a few seconds.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     You can actually smell when an old person's body has rotted to
the point that death is near.  It sounds weird but it is true.
I am not referring to the everyday old person sells either.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     I can not deal with any of the stages.  I choose to disassociate
any feelings or thoughts about death.  I am so good at it I can
even do this survey without having any negative feelings.
 
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     It has been more of hauntings by my husbands grandmother.  Nothing
evil just not a comfortable visit.  Mostly I am too closed off to
death to be able to experience or welcome a visit.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     Pick the right person to be executor of a will.  Take steps to
ensure your belongings arent looted the second your family learns
of your death so that everyone gets what you wish them to.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I am afraid of going to hell.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Disbelief it could happen 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     All you can do is ask the person what they need and follow what
seems to be the right thing at the time to do.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It made me realize more fully my denial of death and the feelings
that should come with it but I stil doubt I will do anything
about it.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 26 18:54:50 1999
M28 in Bolton, Lancashire =United Kingdom=
Name: John H.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Unemplyed Conservation Biologist
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	The Prophet
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Kahlil Gibran
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide;   Aged: 21.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     Widely feared , and misunderstood . In many cultures its impact has
been softened by the development of spiritual or mystical beliefs .

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was too young to really understand it .

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...My Grandfather died .

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     that I couldn't take time to talk to him the last time I ever saw
him , 2 days before he killed himself .

--What I think my (United Kingdom) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it's the complete cessation of the person who has died  both
physically AND emotionally\mentally\spiritually .

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     it allowed me to become a little closer to another friend .

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     being able to talk about him to other people who had known him ,
and the realisation that at least he wasn't feeling pain anymore .
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     wishing I could have said something which would have let him know
how much he was loved and respected by so many people .
  
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     try to make time for people whilst I have chance , because anything
can happen .

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I finally truly realised and accepted that this life is all there
is , and that death is the natural , logical end of it .

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     the stress of the entire situation and the surreality of it  meant
that I had to release some of the emotion and energy I felt .
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     have given him a hug .

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     grieve and also to talk to his Mother .
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I visit the site of his death . Sometimes it'll be something really
trivial , like a song .

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I feel that it's entirely frivolous and irrational to speculate
on this matter . People die , their neural impulses cease and then
they're gone , save for in the memories of friends and relatives .

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that our society makes us so afraid to show people the way we feel
about each other , especially in male-male friendships .

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried , then became frustrated at the sheer silliness and
heart-rending wrongness of my friends death , then accepted that
it was his choice and that he obviously felt that he had no reason
to live .

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     a pathetic lack of adequate care , due in no part to the medical
profession in itself , rather to the political and social climate
in my country at that time .
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     absolutely nothing . Actually , I found it more irritating that
he was given a religious service , as he was a committed atheist ,
and it seemed somehow disrespectful to his memory .
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Past - Roman Catholic , Current - absolute atheist
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     like a sociologically generated attempt to deny the fact that at
some point we will cease to be , and that there is no grand purpose
to any of this .
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     how many people had had their lives touched by him in some way .

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     the surreal hypocrisy of the Roman Catholic church .

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     Anger was the most difficult emotion to cope with .
 
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I think that any wishes or requests made by a dying person regarding
the treatment of their bodies , or the way in which they are
mourned should be rigorously respected and adhered to , regardless
of the wishes of anybody else , not because I believe it makes any
difference to the deceased , but simply as a gesture of respect to
the person they once were , and the feelings of that person whose
last chance of expressing themself is represented by these requests .

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I accept that one day I will die , maybe tomorrow , maybe in 40 years
from now , because there is absolutely no way of making reality
otherwise . I am not scared of my own death , in fact sometimes I
almost wish I could just cease to exist .

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     having a quiet drink with a few mutual friends , and talking about
the things that we had shared .

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I suppose his death was the first one I'd really felt emotionally
, and it made me crystallise unexplored thoughts and suppositions
about death generally , both my own and that of others .

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     Not so much new friendships , but a deepening of friendship ,
a new emotional bonding with others.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     Interesting .

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 26 04:32:02 1999
M20 in a coruņa, galicia =spain=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ TV Program: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: suicide;   Aged: 19.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Illicit Drugs 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Guilt 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May 25 14:40:25 1999
F24 in Buffalo, NY =US=
Name: Jennifer
Email: <jparker-at-gelia.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
  yahoo search on surveys

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: Public Relations & creative writing
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father,  12 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer;   Aged: 44.

--Details: 
     very sudden, never really sick beforehand, did not see my father
in the last month of his life because he was so ill

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the ceasing of existance as we know it to be...when a person dies,
he or she is no longer physically available to those still alive

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     believed it was not for real...I thought my father was on another
business trip and would eventually come back, or that it was all
a big "joke"

--That first time, how it happened was
     My father died rather suddenly of lung cancer when I was 11

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     disbelief and eventually total anger...not really an ability to be
initially sad

--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     emoting is a very healthy way to deal with death...speaking
frequently of the deceased, letting sadness and other related
emotions out in the open

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     realizing I have ultimately become a more independent person who
has achieved for herself than I think I would have been...I am also
grateful to be able to help others experiencing loss by relating
my personal experiences

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my diary, my memories, and my mother and sister
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the extended period of time it took me to deal with death in an
emotionally healthy way
  
--[My Father's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     am so much stronger, and much more appreciative towards the delicate
nature of life...I have also realized helping others and being
around those you care about in a positive way for as long as you
can is more important than anything else

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I was told my father was really going to die...the discovery of his
cancer and his eventual hospitalization did not have a real effect
on me until my mother stated he was going to die

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     learn more about what my father was like when he was the age I am
now, what he felt when he met my mother, what more of his favorite
things to do were when he was younger

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     eventually overcome my anger and find the strength I've developed
from this experience
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I have a "milestone" experience that I am unable to personally
share with him

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I don't think I would be as independent...I think my mother would
be a much happier person

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     "why isn't this happening to anyone else"

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     was very angry with my mother...I also found it very important to
"replay" memories of times with my father in my mind, and still to
this day do so

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     basic indifference...I think I was too young to understand the
medical aspect of things, though my father's primary care physician
was supportive
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     a way to better grasp the spiritual aspect of "where my father went"
and enable me to feel he is still with me spiritually
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Roman Catholic
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     correct
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     my family had enough money for awhile, but my mother did not manage
it well and money became an eventual financial strain
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     my most prominent emotion was embarrassment that all my classmates
were there...I just wanted to get it over with and I don't really
remember much about the actual ceremony

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     I found the most comfort in rationalizing my feelings internally...my
diary was one of the most helpful grieving tools immediately
following my father's death
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I still wish I could have known what my father was like as a younger
person...unfortunately I do not have any relatives that could help
me with this

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     About a month or two after his death, I experienced a "visitation"
from my father.  My mother, sister and I were all sleeping in my
mother's room together at the time, and in my experience I awoke
from sleeping to see my father standing in the doorway, looking
like he had always looked (no "aura" or ethereal light).  He said
to me "please, please be nice to your mother" and that was all.
I remember I was not afraid at all, though in general I've always
been fearful of "monstors" and "ghosts."

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     my father had an option of extended treatment, though his quality
of life would have been poor...I am happy for his and my mother's
decision not to pursue extended treatment, and would wish the same
for myself

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I think initially my father's death created a strong fear of death
in myself...however, now that I am more understanding, I feel I
could accept death if I had to...my biggest regret in dying anytime
soon though would be in not having had a family of my own, because
I know that was one of the things my father was most grateful for
having had experienced before his death

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I did experience a period of obsessive-compulsive disorder where I
had to touch things a certain number of times or walk a certain way
in order to "ward off" any other bad happenings...this dissipated
over a couple of years  on a more positive note, reliving happy
times, looking at photos or just "recalling" was also something
I did...volunteering with children having similar experiences is
also extrememly helpful

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     keeping memories alive and helping others is still something I do

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough
     Time has really helped me to finally come to terms, as well as my
volunteer activities with children who have experienced ternimal
illness and death of a parent


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Denial 
     Besides denial, it was a hard time in my life in general having to
deal with pre-adolescence...my mother was also very "emotionally
intense"
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I am a facilitator for the 10-13 year olds in a weekly support group
for families who have recently experienced death...I am a camp
counselor (along with my sister) each summer at Camp Good Days &
Special Times during the week for children with terminally ill or
deceased parents


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I always embrace opportunities such as this one to "re-evaluate"
my feelings on my father's death...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun May 23 11:16:09 1999
F46 in Manitowoc, WI =Manitowoc=
Name: Roxie Sawyer
Email: <rls_5020-at- yahoo.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: CNA in a nursing home
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You),  yrs ago.
Aged: 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     gonig home to our supreme being

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...My grandfather died. He lived in another
	state and I had never met him as my mother and him did not have a
	close relationship. Her parents were divorced when she was a child.
	I recieved birthday and Chirstmas present from him. The only real
	memory I have of my grandfather as a person is his funeral.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     knowing that the person who died is happier and better off in heaven
 
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     touch the person and talk to them even though you don't think they
can hear you as hearing is the last sense we loose as we die.
 
--[My acquaintance's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     learned to accept death as a blessing.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     Cora would have appreciated the sententament
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     really be able to say good-bye

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     realized that the person is at peace and no longer in any pain.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Thoughts of the Afterlife 
     I now deal with death as the ultimate going home


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Viewing the Body 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri May 21 13:46:52 1999
F23 in , California =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother,  13 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: liver damage through alcohol;   Aged: 31(?).

--Details: 
     She had been an alcohol since her early teens. Her mother (my
grandmother) died in the same fashion when my mother was about 10
years old. Her alcoholism was severe; she would steel money, have
halucinations, and would hide alcohol anywhere in the house.She
had been rushed to the hospital multiple times for coughing up
excessive amounts of blood.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when a person or any living creature's body can no longer function
and thrive.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My mother. She was an alcohol and died from liver damage. I came home
	from school and found her in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     Feeling empty, but as if a huge chip was off of my shoulder. As
if I was free. But I also remember the hauntings I experienced for
about a year afterwards; those frightened me.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     At the time, the mental and physical abuse finally ended. Now,
afterwards, it only surfaced a new cycle of mental abuse which was
always there, but was greatly overshadowed by the alcoholism.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     time. Over time, I learned how to deal with my thoughts and feelings
about everything. Unfortunately, there was no one I could talk to
who would provide any feedback. I only received sympathy, but no
one knew what to say or do.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     that no one knew what to do with me. No one knew what to say,
advice to give, anything. My father needed to work all day, and
other parents from school decided to step in and drive me to my
grandparents after school so I was not walking home alone. I was 10
at the time. And since I did not feel the love for a mother like
most children do, others expected me to feel sad even when I was
ready to move on with my life and get back to school and activities.
  
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I didn't understand how I could not feel so sad, or even cry,
when my mother died. I was simply numb.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I don't remember laughing about the subject or around that time.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     get to know her? I never really knew anything about her. Just her
halucinations, nightmares, affairs and drinking. She was rarely
sober during my first 10 years.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     grow up and be so "normal." People are always shocked to hear about
my childhood after knowing what type of person I am today.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     we didn't hold a funeral or any sort of gathering. All that
happenned, was my father went out in a helicopter to spill the ashes
over the ocean. I wasn't involved in any of it though, which sort
of bothered me later in life. My father didn't even tell me when
he went to pour out the ashes. That bothered me more.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I would realize that I did not have proper closure to this
subject. I didn't cry at the time, I did not know about the ashes,
there was no gathering of any sort, it was almost pushed away into
storage. Especially since my father started dating within months
and remarried a year later.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     My life may have been harder. Her alcoholism was tough. And then I
realized that my father too, was an alcoholic, but just the "happy"
type. Without it, he was grumpy and tired.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that I couldn't just have a semi-normal life.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     I have absolutely no contact with any member of my family any
longer. My life has been "normal" since. It would be nice though,
to have my own family to turn to, not be adobpted by someone else's.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     **I was not shocked. The doctors gave her up to 1 year one week,
then up to 1 month when she was rushed to the hospital a second
time in less than a month. It was just a matter of time, my mother
had been killing herself slowly over the years.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     There wasn't anything anyone could do. Both of my parents would
need to admit there's a problem with drinking, and want the need
to make a change.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     I did not use church to help me. I relied on my own strength, and
used anti-role models to keep myself in the right direction. By
that I mean, that instead of following role-models, I watched what
people around me did to hurt themselves or others, and worked to
not become like them.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     None.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     I experienced signs of haunting for about a year after my mother's
death. It made me beleive more in that spirits exist, and planes
between places may exist.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     It saved us money. Our bank account or my piggy bank was no longer
raped in order to buy some cheap boxed wine from Liquor Barn.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     We did not have one.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     The hauntings. Also, even though I was not physically there when
my mother died (I was at school), I had a clear, step-by-step
recollection of exactly what happened during the day with her. Calls
that she made, rooms that she walked through and when, where she
layed down for a rest, her feelings, when she slipped and fell
in the kitchen...Even the time of her death that I gave matched
what ER team gave while I was outside in a police car waiting
for my father to come home. All of the details I saw in my mind,
matched what the police saw in the house (where blood stains were)
and those that she tried to call or spoke with.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     She was rushed to the hospital more and more while the doctors were
able to do less and less to help.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     None that I knew of. My mother had multiple halucinations that her
mother was trying to hurt her, my father or myself. It was a sort
of living nightmare.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     I have not experienced near death, but above, I explained that I had
a clear recollection of the events during the day up to my mother's
death as if I was in the house all day long. But I was at school,
and the information given about my mother's death was told when I
was not inside the house (I was outside in a police car). My story
matched the calls my mother made, the rooms she was in, and the
time of death.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I still dislike the fact that after my mother's death, any pictures
of her disappeared. A few years after, I was curious to see just
what she looked like. I couldn't really remember.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I did not receive any predictions, assurance or message other
than what happened during the day. At the time of death, I was
still at school, and felt a sharp pain on the side of my head, as
if someone pushed a stick into it. After her death, I felt cooler
breezes pass me, and felt like someone was watching and following
me around the house. The odd occurances only happened within the
house, and once at my grandparent's. Sometimes, I would come home
from school, and the microwave would 'ding' and when I opened it,
there would be a warm plate of food ready to eat or the washing
machine would buzz and a fresh load of clothes had just finished
spinning. No one had been home since 8am, and now it was after
3pm when I would walk through the door and find something ready
like this. After one night, my father sat up in bed and screamed,
"stop it! Leave us alone and go away!" the hauntings seemed to stop
and only occur on rarer occassions.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I'm not ready to die at 23. And if my fiancee were to pass, I would
greatly miss him and cry for days. He's one of the only people
to know of my past in greater lengths, and has witnessed the lack
of function in what would be my current family (father, step-mom,
step-sister). Without him, I really wouldn't have someone else to
talk to who can truly have a good understanding of my past. He has
even experienced a couple of the hauntings himself.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     For about a year after, my father took me fishing nearly every
weekend.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     Nope, I don't go fishing anymore.It slowly died out after my dad
remarried.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     None.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Other: 
     Releif. As odd as it sounds, her alcoholism was a great toll on me.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Viewing the Body 
     Not crying or feeling sad about it. Realizing that I had no real
love for her. The thoughts bothered me, wondering how I could be
as cold-hearted.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     Just to talk would have been helpful. I was suprisingly able to
easily tell all of the gory details of my mom's death. Without a
change of expression too. Having someone to talk to and ask questions
and get feedback of some sort would have been nice. Unfortunately,
my father was not a person I was able to talk with.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri May 21 03:12:45 1999
M29 in woodhaven, mi =usa=
Name: j. meredith
Email: <betsym-at-ili.net>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: presently unimportant
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     If there are any "secular" perspectives on dealing with the knowledge
of imminent death, please post.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	LIVING YOUR DYING,by Stanley Keleman
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 13 ago.
Cause of Death: brain tumor;   Aged: 16.

--Details: 
     Seems strange to dwell on it, when others - relatives
- have died since, but apparently it has affected my
feelings and beliefs substantially. I never saw the body,
nor the funeral. I was a "suicidal" teen at the time, in a
not-really-but-I'm-so-miserable-so-maybe sort of way...there's no
guilt for what I felt, but a deep feeling that we all waste too
much time....but I'm rambling horribly.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the known ceasing of bodily functions and the unknown of what lies
beyond this ceasing. A mystery, in essence.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     felt a strange, hysterical , nervous laughter rising up inside of
me. There were no tears, not then, and maybe never

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...hard to recall the FIRST encounter...probably
	a bird slamming into the picture window... but then, at 16,
	my only friend died of a brain tumor. I was always told there
	was no God... and I thought that if there was, it was a cruel or
	uncaring God.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     The most recent death I recall was not of one close to me, but of
a member of my wife's church (which I cannot help but be a member,
in some vague sense). Ray died, and there were so many tears,
such grief by everyone who had known him. As a non-religious,
non-believing individual, I wondered how and why it is that these
Christians - and ANYONE who believes in an afterlife of some kind -
can find a reason to be sad about death.If I believed as they do,
I would be utterly OVERJOYED at the prospect of the end of this
earthly life. Perhaps 'tis the ignorance of the secular that keeps
me from understanding why they cry....

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     ...that it could happen at any time, and that we waste too much
of ourselves on what doesn't really matter to us. Of course, if
we all said the hell with holding a job and other meaningless but
"necessary" evils, the society would undoubtedly crumble. I wish
also that the religious - of ANY sect - would realize that what
they believe is not a gaurantee. It is, simply, what they believe.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the motivation to follow my bliss.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Time, strange as it may seem. Loneliness and grief can disipate,
while experience eases the rabid need for answers. We consider our
own mortality when we see someone die, but when we still wake up
morning after morning the fear that we are next is swallowed up
into the process of our day.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the uncertainty of what it all meant, having lived but now being
gone.
  
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     be there when he died, although it may have made things worse.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     "...that I should be left with no friends." (Hey, I was still young
then, so some selfishness can be expected)

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     was angry at a god whose existence I was unsure of. Then, the
fear probably...

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     squat.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Undetermined, although always searching. If there is some kind of
"creationary force", it is not one that controls the lives here,
not one that judges us when we depart. It is more of an energy, an
intelligence, not a king or father. It would be the oldest energy,
the most ancient and pure spark of life, from where it ALL came.... I
believe that the ancient religions, though misinterpreting much,
were probably much closer to some kind of truth as they were much
closer to the moment in time where it all began. I haven't explained
it well, but I could rattle on for days...
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     somehow, unexplainably accurate. Recall from the most basic of our
science classes how the atom is made up of tiny particles that are
not stationary, but CONSTANTLY MOVING. This applies to everything
from a baby's arm to a telephone pole to a typewriter.... What
appears solid is, in fact, this squirming mass of activity - in some
form, LIFE - and this must mean that the inherent energy of our
lives is never fully gone.... I am sure that there must be a book
on this somewhere, and if I had an even remotely scientific mind
I would seek it out.... for science, psychology, and spirituality
combined equal the truth somehow.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     ...My grandpa was in the hospital, for whatever finally killed
him... he'd had a stroke years before and could not speak.... in
the hospital near the end, morphine drip in his arm, he began to
point at the ceiling, smiling... somehow he conveyed to Mom that
it was his brother and parents....  I suppose visitation might
be plausible... or it could be circuits in the brain going through
some kind of "death recalibration"... it is hard to determine what
is reality for us and reality for real.
 
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I don't even know which loved one to refer to in my mind now... but,
in general, I would like to know if they were afraid- and what
advice they could give to someone who did not have the cold breath
of the beyond on their neck...

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     After Grandpa's death, Mom was asleep... Dad, not of the spiritual
persuasion himself, on the outskirts of sleep, saw Grandpa. He
seemed to be checking in on his only daughter, making sure all was
okay, from where he stood in the bedroom doorway. Dad looked again,
and the image was gone.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I regret deeply that I will be unable to be here to ensure a proper
ceremony to punctuate my life. I also wish that I could somehow
witness the events that follow....   It would be wonderful - and
somehow ironic, I'm sure - to see people that I admired in my life,
people that I loved, gathered together not so much to discuss me
(although for ego's sake, that would be fine), but to talk long
into the night about the THINGS that mattered to me. That is
what I would find fitting - and somehow beautifully poetic- to do
for someone that I truly loved. "Remember what he said about Mary
Shelley that night- what a strange and wonderful life she had, huh?"
I would like certain songs at my funeral, certain poetry, and it
would not be appropriate, perhaps, for a minister to conduct the
ceremony.... There is a beautiful line in Zapotec funeral rites
about "He now knows what we all want to know- he has gone beyond
the thunder"....

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     Depending on the moment the thought occurs, imaginings of my own
death can be either "terrifying" or, simply, inevitable. I want to
see things, feel things, live, and feel my most intimate dreams in
my hands before the moment comes, and then I will not be bitter.... I
wish we could live as we should, free to do anything..

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I seem to have developed some sort of relationship with morbidity
and Death itself. I nearly always have a bleak outlook now - and
a deep-seated miserableness that is somehow comforting.Happy in
my misery.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate
     Am always dealing with it. Can we ever stop, while we live?


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Upbringing 
     The uncertainty of what follows...is there any point other than
this moment?LIV
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I wish I could have been there for my friends family... but the
funeral was so fast, they did not let me know, and I never went
to see them . Some bit of denial was involved on both sides,
I would assume..


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It is good, sometimes, to look these harsh realities in the
face. This Q is a good thing...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May 20 18:32:36 1999
M18 in Mass =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: stroke;   Aged: .

--Details: 
     He had lived for... five or so years after his stroke, but my uncle
was never the same man.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     a painful experience in which we lose someone we love and care about.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     didn't really understand it; I was too young at the time.

--That first time, how it happened was
     A great-grandmother of mine died when I was about... oh, seven or
	eight. I don't really remember much about it.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     probably the wake and funeral. Funny, though -- it seems like my
memory is fuzzy; perhaps I would rather not remember much that
would be painful.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my family and friends.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the sense of loss.
  
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     did not value the time I spent with him in his last years, and
regretted it. He seemed like a totally different person, but he
was still my uncle.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     my ailing uncle did not recognize me.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     the event is just so unbelievable, that someone that is important
to you no longer lives. After learning a bit about how humans deal
with sorrow in an english class, I realize that laughter is a way
to express pain, even if it is sarcastic.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     spend some quality time with the man who used to be my uncle,
the man before the stroke.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     obtain support from others around me who were feeling the same.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I saw tears streaming down my mother's face. Imagine that! I had
never really seen my mother cry before.
 
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     It would be tremendously different. I remember when my german
shepherd died, the house was so quiet all of a sudden. It was just
so... different!

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     No further comment here :)

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     betrayal. When my grandmother was dying in she was in hospice
care. The day before she died, they removed the hospice because
our family couldn't afford it!
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     See above question.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     little to nothing, at the time. However, I was eventually confirmed
Catholic in part because of two recent deaths and an education in
a Catholic school.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     I am Catholic.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     I'm not quite sure what this question means, but I shall
answer to the best of my ability. I do not believe in the
stereotypical images of Heaven and Hell: the cloud landscape
and the fire-and-brimstone. Rather, I believe that Heaven is a
beautiful, private forested garden that is cobbled with silvery-gold
stones. Semimodern art-style stone sculptures are placed erratically,
creating the feel of a sort of stonehenge. Whereas I believe that
Hell is a dank, dark, dreary cave which is totally empty and devoid
of life. It is a cold, never ending corridor of lonliness.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     the hospice care in my Grandmother's situation.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     that everyone cared for one another. It seemed like, despite our
differences, everyone was brought together for a common purpose.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     disbelief. It seemed like I would see my grandmother just around each
corner. Her house seemed empty, even though my aunt was still there.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     I am not really familiar with the deterioration of any of my
relatives who have died recently, so I do not feel that I can
adequately answer this question.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     I have not gone through this myself, but my father was by my
Grandmother's side until she died. He was not crying at the wake
nor funeral, but he said that all his tears had already been cried.
 
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I hold my beliefs strongly, as they are the core of my person. I try
to be as small of a hypocrite as I can be, for while I realize that
it is almost impossible to not be hypocritical, I can certainly
try. I would only want my family and friends to do what -they-
believe is morally right, for I would do what I believe is morally
right in the given situation. If that includes upholding the last
wishes of the dead, then so be it.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I believe that I am ready for death. While I am... apprehensive
about it (which is perfectly normal -- death is the great unknown,
the final frontier) I do not fear it.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I internalize. I internalize everything. Rage, sorrow, everything. It
is not healthy, because I often do not find an adequate outlet for
it. If too much happens at once, I almost always feel overwhelmed
and on the point of a nervous breakdown.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     Actually, soon after my grandmother died, my aunt (her daughter)
found a boyfriend. Of all of the people she has known, this is
the first one that I have met. They've been married for a year or
two now.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    -none- 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It brought back a lot of fond, and often painful, memories.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May 20 17:35:31 1999
F26 in houston, texas =usa=
Name: valerie
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  just playing around

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: secretary
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	Motherless Daughters
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Hope Edelman
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother,  8 and 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide;   Aged: 43.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     scary.  It makes you realize your own mortality.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...I was seventeen and my mother commited suicide

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the inability to talk about it

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     people need to talk about it

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     my father is now my best friend

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my father
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     she was cremated
  
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     don't take life for granted and give everything I have to my daughter

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I saw the death certificate.  My mother was cremated and we did not
have a viewing.  The last time I saw her was when I left for work
and she was sitting on the couch.  I told my dad that anyone can
forge a piece of paper and I told him mom was out there somewhere
and she was going to call me.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I don't remember ever laughing anytime soon after her death.
I remember a lot of screaming inside my room and inside my truck
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     have a viewing of the body

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     just continue on with my life and stay away from anything bad like
drugs and alcohol.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     my daughter does something and I can not share it with her.
My marriage, my daughter's birth, my college graduation and the
list goes on.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I don't think I would be married to the man I am with

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I never got to know my mother...i was just a kid.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     go back in time
 
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     with suicide you can't really do anything if they are determined
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     anger because they said that if you commit suicide you go to hell.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     baptist
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     my mom is always with me
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     it was never an issue
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     we had no funeral, no viewing she was cremated that was very
difficult...not at the time, but a few days later, and now almost
9 years later

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     accepting it

--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I'm ok now.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     My mother wished to be cremated and my father did it.  My father
also wants that and I will grant him his last wish, however there
will be a viewing of his body and friends and family will be invited
to bring closure.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     Death itself doesn't scare me.  it the pain that i know my loved
ones would go through that makes me hurt inside

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I finally got over the actual suicide and just mourn her and not
the way she died.  the way she died is irrelavent..it is the fact
that she is simply GONE

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Passage of Time 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Silence & Taboos 
     she was cremated and I couldn't find resolution
 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It helped me realize that I am more over my mother's death than
I realized.  A couple of years ago I could not have filled it out
without crying uncontrollably


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May 20 10:16:35 1999
F39 in , Arizona =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother,  6 1/2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: congestive heart failure;   Aged: 36.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the loss of physical being here on earth

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was really too young to understand too much about it

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was... my paternal grandmother

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the incredible sorrow, and my need to protect my parents

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     my brother went quickly

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my religious beliefs, family and friends
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the death happening so quikcly that i did not get to say goodbye
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     offering strentgh but the ability for them to be able to openly
discuss their fears
 
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     whent he funeral arrangements were being made

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     say goodbye

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     be there for my parents
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     it is a holiday or anniversary of his death

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     he was so young

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     talk to him
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cryed and screamed at the impossiblity of it

--Religious Affiliation:
     episcopal
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     his lack of it and the funeral expenses
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     the incredible amount of warmth that people poured out to us,
even in their silence

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     it happened with my grandmother
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     the only issue that i have is that i was trying to get ready for a
relocation before his death and was trying to distance myself some
from my family so that the relocation would not be as difficult.
i told my brother this, and he understood, and we lost him weeks
later.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     just to tell him one last time how much i love him and that i'm
sorry his life was taken just when he was finally beginning to make
a good one for himself.  that i have missed him even more during
an illness my father has.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     i have only had dreams like that

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     living will, and a will

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     i'm not particlulary afraid of dying. it is important to me that
i live to take care of my parents as they age. i fear what would
happen to them if i were not here for them then.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     just staying busy

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Upbringing 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     people tend to be extremely helpful during the time frame up until
te burial. then they all go home, etc.  that is the worst time for
the ones left behind.  people need attention during that time as
well--they might feel deserted


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 19 14:22:28 1999
M51 in Sarasota, FL =Manatee=
Name: David
Email: <canno-at-gte.net>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Executive Search
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     Spent 4 years full time on cancer research, 30,000 hours. I have a
theory that the antibactrial drugs are causing most of our medical
problems and can prove it!
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Wife,  2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer/Bacteial infection;   Aged: 48.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     leaving, going on, alone, sorrow,wanting them back, wanting to
follow-soon.a chapters end, waiting to join again.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     My friend of 17 yre old shot himself in the head.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     total loss, no reason to go on, my fault.

--What I think my (Manatee) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     prepare us early

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     At the point of death I (we my children)felt her sprit leave her
body. She is with the Lord!

--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Lonley, alone, failure, regrets, lost love never to return
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Playing her favorite songs, holding her, praying for her, and being
with her as she passed.
 
--[My Wife's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     hate the fact that she is gone.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I finally knew she was leaving.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     NA
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     have lived a different life that would make it possible to heve
her with me now.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     love her for so many years and to look into her big brown eyes,
travel around the world, have great nights of dancing, loving,
and tow great children.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     As they took her body from our home a dove sat on the peak of our
home and left with them.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     protocol

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I wake, take a walk, go to a resturant, go to sleep, make love to
my new wife, listen to a song, take a shower, etc,etc.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would be happy, maybe she would be not

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     Yes, to have her go without me is not fair.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     be a child again and start all over
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     just do not understand why.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     the medical community did nothing, by using alternative medicine
we beat thier death date by 4 years. She died of not cancer but
something else that the doctors missed
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     Not good, they just helped the medical comunity send my wife to
her death (all part of the system) They have no hope and hope is
what we thrive on.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Just the knowing that there was faith and she was going on was
a comfort
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Jesus, and many churches
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     Having felt her sprit (soul) physically leave her body I know we
have a sprit (soul). she left relaxed and a peace.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     I never kept all I should have.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     She died I and our family spent two or three ours with her, they
left. I was with her about a half hour, drank a toast to her and
they took her.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     It really happend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     Do not know I was blind sided by the medical comunity.I did not
want to see what was coming

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     NA
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I, I say I, am still waiting for this, I have believed this could
and would happen but now after so long I do not think it will.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     NA
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     NA

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     NA

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     Cremation, Keg party.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I can not wait, life is too hard and I will see her again. I guess
we all die and until I do I will go on and life life with my new
wife. After sending my first love off I AM NOT AFRAID TO DIE.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I got so drunk so often that I had no idea what day it was. That
has passed, but the grief has not. I do not believe in closure as
I will never have that til I meet her again.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     NA

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I just became married

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	at what age  
			How'd I do?     How well

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Alcohol 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     NA


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It was OK, sometimes we have to re-think what has happend and still
how to go on.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     Since you are dealing with death I would be very intrested in
including more general medical questions. I'm going somewhere here
and a survey may be very interesting.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 19 13:11:18 1999
F22 in Nottingham,  =UK=
Name: Lydia
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  Looking around for psychological tests

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: MA in Design Studies
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle,  5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: AIDS;   Aged: 37.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when a person goes to onother place (not on earth) and you do not
see that person until you die your self (if you end up on the same
place: heaven-hell)

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     Was not there, and I realised how it felt later on, because I could
not call that pesron or talk to him. I leaved in Greece and he was
in the states, so we would communicate on special occasions.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My uncle (from my mother's side), died and we went to the states
	to see him in the hospital before he died (he died one month after
	we left).

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     That we could not say from the true illness he died (because most
people in Greece were not ready for it). And that I could not talk
to a family member (my mom especialy about my feelings about my
uncle because I was afraid I would make my family apset (that they
would cry).

--What I think my (UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     To not be afraid to talk about the dead person

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     That my uncle (at his last month) excepted God as his saviour.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Me thinking that even though I could not tell my uncle some things,
he could now see me somehow and know my feelings for him.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     That I would never have the chance of getting to know him better,
have mature conversations, and shering some of my most special
moments with him. Also that he could never again say that he is
proud of the things I do. He was an artist and I am too, so I all
ways valued his opinion.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Remind that person of your feelings and not be embarast if others
are next to you.
 
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Feel that death is not the end, and that if you believe in God when
you are about to die you are not scared of it.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     If I say the things I want to a dead person, weather they can listen
(I still do not know)

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Say the things I wanted to my uncle (I keep repeting my self)

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I see dreams about my uncle were I actually say to him the things
I wanted to tell him in reality

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     Then felt the guilt for not saying the things I wanted to my uncle.

--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     that everybody treated my uncle as their own friend and they were
very caring.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     that we will hopefully see my uncle again...
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     I am Christian...
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     a bit naive, that people would like to believe maybe to make
themselves or others feel better. I believe though that there
is no difference between our colour or our languege for our last
destination. The difference is wether we believe in God or not. But
then again, this is my opinion...
 
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     I could not cry, even if I wanted, for a long time

--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     Before my uncle died, he was in a state that he was almost in a
coma. One day he kept saying "dad, grandma, gradpa" and lifted
his arms as if he was trying to reach them. The doctor said that
he might be seeing them (or think he sees them). The persons he
called were all dead and we believe that he possibly could see them
waitnig for him to join them. Soon after he died.
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Memories to hold 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Silence & Taboos 
     I didn't tell my ancle that I loved him, and that I was proud of him
(ever)! I was young and I didn't know how. I wish I had.
 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 19 01:08:38 1999
F24 in Austin, Texas =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Writer
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 78.

--Details: 
     This was my dad's father.  He died close to Memorial Day.
My mom's father died the previous Veteran's Day.  I lost both of
my grandfathers about 6 months apart.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     The physical body dies but the spirit, which is the body's
non-physical energy, continues to live, grow, and evolve.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was at work, my mom called.  This was her father who died.
I couldn't go to the funeral because I was in school but I went
back to the state they lived as soon as my classes were finished.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was... My literary idol, Charles Bukowski, died
	in March 1995 (I think).  My IDOL.  I've based my style of writing
	on his.  He died of leukemia.  He was the first person whose death
	I cried for.  It was instant water works.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     it was an open-casket service.  (This was my dad's father) I had
never seen a dead body before.  He looked good, as well as can be
expected (he was very sick), but I took one look and the knnowledge
that I'll never hear his voice again made me burst into tears.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     death does not need to be feared.  It is a part of life that can
not be denied.  Instead of crying for losing the physical aspect
of someone, celebrate their life and the fact that they are not
suffering anymore.

--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     The fact that the physical is gone, but they are never forgotten.
You can't forget someone who has meant something to you.
  
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     make it to both grandparents' 50th wedding anniversaries
 
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I think nothing would really change

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     realized that the pain was over for them.  My dad's father had
bilateral lung cancer from smoking for 40 years.  I would prefer he
pass away rather than be hooked up to a ventilator and go through
treatment for a disease that has no cure.  That is real torture.

--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     My dad's father was in hospice care because we didn't want him in
a HOSPITAL or a nursing home.  I never visited him because I lived
in another city, but according to my grandmother, he was not in
pain during the last days, thankfully.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     I am Wicca; my beliefs revolve more around the soul and energy
flowing around, changing.  I don't believe in heaven or hell.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Wicca
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     The feeling of loss, that you will never see, talk to, hug your
friend/family member ever again
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     How my grandmother (dad's mother) was holding up.  She was a wreck,
and rightfully so.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     Seeing my grandfather (paternal) laying in a coffin, looking like
he was asleep but knowing he wasn't

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     My mother, when her dad died, said that she heard him talking over
the intercom that links the house to the woodshop in the backyard.
 
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I don't want to be buried.  I want to donate my organs so that
other people can live.  That's my only request.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     There's nothing you can really do to prepare for death because it
may come in 70 years from natural causes or you might get hit by
a Mack trusk crossing the street.  All I can say is that I don't
fear leaving this body, but I don't want to feel myself die.
That is what scares me the most.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     Since my dad's father died from smoking, I don't like to see my
own dad smoke (which he does in secret and is in denial of it).
My mom and I can't talk to him about it because of his denial of it.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Adult  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Memories to hold 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon May 17 14:13:04 1999
F23 in Camrose, Province =Canada=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  Looking up resources for a client

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: Social Worker
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	Final Gifts, When good things happen to bad people, Chicken soup
for the surviving soul
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 years ago ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 70.

--Details: 
     He was diagnosed March 24 while I was away at school. He died at
home with his family providing palliative care on May 25th, 1995.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     Painful, empty hollow feeling

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     felt numb for days, cried alot, had recurring nightmares for 6 mos
after his death. The nighmares played like he was alive again, but
I knew he was going to die again soon. Very upsetting and painful.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was... my Grandfather died as a result of a lengthy
	battle with Cancer.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     Is examining my beliefs about death and religion. I also remember
how close my family had become during his disease and death. I
didn't ever want to fall in love b/c I felt it would be easier then
if the person was to die or leave me.

--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it takes alot longer to deal with the immediate grief following
a death that work places allow. It also doesn't matter what the
relationship is to you - it is the pperson. Policies should not be
based on lineage.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the opportunity to care for my grandfather while we was ill, how
close I became to my family, and the strengths I never realized I
had - lead me to make career decisons based on this experience.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     My spouse. Knowing the cemetary was available if I wanted to go
there. Our home care nurse from palliative care.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Watching my grandmother experience so much pain from losing her
relationship with her husband. It also made me scared for everyone
I cared about - my parents and spouse.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Just holding their hand, sitting with them, wiping their forehead
with a damp cloth, being there for the other family members,
talking to the dying person.
 
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Used my experience to guide me to a career in social work. I also
took over some of his responsibilities in the community with the
cancer society - I headed a major fundariser as a memorium for him.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     we asked God to take Grandpa with him b/c he was suffering so
much. At that moment as we were all holding hands, he took his last
breath. I wanted to take the words back. I couldn't believe there
may be a connnection to a "God". it made me question my spiritual
beliefs. It also made me feel better in the way that I thought he
might be taken care of by someone/something.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     it is so important to find things to laugh about during these kinds
of times. Relive funny memories. celebrate fun parts of the persons
life when they are gone.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     tell Grandap that I loved him more often. I wish I would have
asked him about his life experiences with him - now I will never
have those memories. I wish I hadn't gone back to work the morning
before he died - but he seemed to be doing much better.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Tell him I loved him, ask to always watch over us (family). Go on
a family ski trip with him and the family. Go for coffee with him
and give him a letter i wrote for him telling him how much I cared
for him and how I would always be there for him.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     my Dad put him arms protectively around my mom, brother and me
right after my grandfather took his last breath. I thought it was
sad that even though he just lost his own father, he still felt
the need to protect his own family.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     That " he had a full life" - as if this statement made us feel any
better. We all knew he did not want to die. he didn't ever really
accept it unitl the very end. He still felt he had alot of living
to do. It hurt that he hurt so much.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I see a picture of him in the community, or meet another family
experiencing a similar situation, or go to a place that was special
to all of us in our family - where we spent time together. When I
remember when I gave him the letter from me.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     We would be a stronger family. We would all spend more time
together. My brother would have a mentor again instead of being
so lost. My Dad would be more like himself instead of hollow and
introverted.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     He had so monay things left he wanted to do... he was so healthy.. he
was such a kind generous man...it feels wrong to be caring for the
person who always had cared for me.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     bring him back... talk to him.. know if he was wathcing over me
like he promised.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried alot. I couldn't really talk to friends about it. I kept
much of it inside for awhile. I also began to have the nightmares
at this point.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     frustration. He wantd to try any treatment available. They tolfdhim
there ws absolutley nothing they could try. This hurt him,, took
away hope.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     We ept him at home but our palliative care nurse was great, kept us
informed with practical info on the death process physically. also
provided emotional support.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Not to much . I had my own faith. I did feel like there may be a
god after my Grandfather died and looked up at the corner of the
room as if someone was there waiting for him.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     United Church
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     very accurate. the book "final gifts" highlights several commmon
experiences we too had when we lost a loved one.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     we did not have to worry about money. He made all of the arrangements
prior to his death with his financial advisor and funeral home.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     How many people were there.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     skin color changing, changes in breathing, an "out of body"
experience commonly occurong a few days prior to death.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     work, actual activity with a realted purpose allowed me to gadually
work through the process and pain.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     he saw Jesus. he said Jesus was waiting for him and it was time to
go but that he loved us all very much. then "woke" up and didn't
remember saying any of it. then he slipped into a coma and died
two days later.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I just really miss him. I want him to be a part of my life as I get
older. I just want to talk to him one more time. I suupose that I
just need to let time happen.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     to hear that he is watching over me, is proud of my accomplishments,
is part of my life all the time even though I can't see him.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     He came to me in my dreams. These dreams were different - not
nightmares. we would talk about how he is doing. it was really
important that we remember him when he was healthy. In the dreams
, each sucessive one featured him looking more and more like
himself. he was happy and healthy looking.Then the dreams stopped
happening. I was sad. but may be it was b/c i no longer needed him.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     start where the dying person is - don't push them to resolve issues
or do certain activites unles they want you to. Give themmas much
independance for as long as you can. Don't be unrealistic about
their future.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     working for the cancer society as a memorium for him. gave me
purpose. felt like I gave something back to him.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     closer realationship with my aunt.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 
     My family and friends created an environment that allowed me to
speak openly about the experience.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Viewing the Body 
     Lack of contact with other family members on that side of the family
following his death.
 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     helped me re-work through my feelings again instead of letting them
sit beneath the surface.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon May 17 09:48:25 1999
F23 in Stoke-on-Trent., Staffordshire. =England.=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Psychology student.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure;   Aged: 71.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     feeling empty, lost, bewildered, frightened. Wondering where they've
gone & why. It makes you think about things you may not want to,
about your own life & death.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was so young, I couldn't possibly understand it. I think now I
wasn't allowed to greive - I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral
or see the body, or even talk about him with my family, even tho'
I know it must've been painful for everyone. Even tho' I was young,
I think it would have helped me to go to the funeral.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandfather died of lung cancer.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     guilt - for not being home when it happened. People thought I
wasn't affected because I wasn't here, & thought I could deal with
it better & by myself.

--What I think my (England.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     stop teaching everyone to be so scared - I know I shouldn't be
scared but I am.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     friends.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     regret - not telling them how I really felt.
  
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Crying and Crying 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Silence & Taboos 
     fear of death
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun May 16 23:07:27 1999
F25 in Greensboro, Georgia =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  yahoo search

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: Psychology student
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother,  6yrs ago.
Cause of Death: sickness;   Aged: 60-something.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     When the body dies and we recycle into the earth from wich we came.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...a girle from school got into a car accident
	and wa klled. The day of her wake my aunt died from cancer.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     Grandma always tried to get the whole family together. She wanted us
all to go on vacation together or just meet someplace if just for an
hour. We finnaly all got together,unfortunatly it was for her funral.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It is not an occasion for a party. You are not going to dance with
god in heaven. Death is a state of nothingness.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Myself
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Knowing I will never see her again
  
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Get Grandma's recipes, have her teach me how to so (she was going
to make my wedding gown) Give her a big hug and tell her exactly
how much I love, admire, and value her.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I am with or talking to my gradfather it feels like there is
something wrong, then I realize there is, Grandma is not here.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     We would visit Grandma and Grandpa. Grandpa would not be alone,
grumpy and forgetfull. My fiance and Grandma would get to meet
eachother. She would make my wedding gown, making it a more special
day for me.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     there are thousands of people in the world who are bad, evil,
or criminal, but they are still here

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     bring her back, or get visiting privaliges
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     broke down and lashed out. I felt like distroying everything I ws
so angry.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     Hate, for my Grandfather who did not do enough to help her. He did
not think it was as big a deel as it was.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     For me it ment very little, but for my family it was vary important.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Jewish
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     My Grandfather's sister thought she was seeing Grandma, but she
was always a bi strange
 
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     Grandma had a living will. I think people do this without realizing
what they are doing.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I wrote poems and painted

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     How well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Memories to hold 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Religion/Clergy 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun May 16 20:12:08 1999
F19 in johnstown,  ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Friend ]
  on flirting with death
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	none i dont really think about it im very least affected if not
at all
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather,  yrs1 ago.
Cause of Death: old age;   Aged: 67.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end of a beginning everything has to die to make new room for new

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     didnt really care to much

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my good neighbor friend died i was five
	years old

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     me doing my own thing while everyone else morned

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     its no big deal shit happens

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     gram died  she was old  and miserable so it was a good thing

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     laughing with me family
 
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     talk about old times and let them know its ok to go
 
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     i guess it was just funny
 
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     not at all life isnt fair why should death be

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     look carefully at how people age so quickly

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     nothing at all i see it as a thing people look to becuase they need
somthing to believe in
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     none at all
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Passage of Time 
     at that age i wasnt very affected


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun May 16 20:08:00 1999
Anonymous Guest
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Friend ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	Stranger
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Albert Camus
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 11  yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 60 something.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the ceasing of life

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandpa died of cancer

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     not a thing.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     how to avoid it, by not killing each other.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     not a thing.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     myself
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     facing that they weren't there any more
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     don't make jokes
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Ability to Forget 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Prayers 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun May 16 18:16:26 1999
F18 in Peninsula, Ohio =USA=
Name: Jen
Email: <clawfreek-at-juno.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: none
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	a world beyond
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	ruth montgomery
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle,  10 months ago.
Cause of Death: suicide;   Aged: 37.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     Leaving the human body, and being reborn into a new life.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     wasnt sure what exactly it was.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...It was my second grade teacher, she had been
	ill all through my third grade year, and finally her body just
	let go.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     How we never got to show him how much we really cared.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it is not final.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     it brought out all our true feelings for him.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     it was friends.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     knowing that I would never see them again, at least not in that
same form.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     talk to them, see what all they have seen and done.
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Friends' Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Viewing the Body 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri May 14 23:32:22 1999
F21 in lincoln, ne =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: FUN
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend,  8yrs ago.
Cause of Death: he was shot;   Aged: 16.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the act of one's soul leaving their physical body and going on to
some place better then earth

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     think i was a little shocked and disapointed

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandmother got cancer and died quite
	suddenly

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the way that my behvior changed.  I became a very angry person

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     is a way of life there are only two things that are certain and
they are you are born and that you will die

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     i think that there are gifts from death when you die you go on to
a place that can only be better than where you were in life  and
if people choose to donate their organs then that in itself is a
gift of life

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     i think myself i was mostly alone and so i did alot of soul
searching to see how i myself felt about death and once i came to
the conclusion that it will happen regardless then i was fine
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the need to pick up the phone and share with them the wonderful
and the bad things that happen in my life
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     just let them know that its okay for them to go they shouldn't
worry about you
 
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     only wish that everyone could understand that once you accept the
fact that you will die then you won't be so affraid of the unknown

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     i got so angry at god

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     tell him how much he had made an impact on my life

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     keep myself from loosing it at the funeral
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     he came to me and said goodbye or so it seemed
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     that i didn't go to the grave site  he's not really there and so
i felt there was no reason to make things more difficult

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     i honestly think that if it hadn't happened with him it would have
been someone else so i can't really have any regrets or thoughts
as to what if

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that so many young people die

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     was hurt and angry and felt as if my whole world was coming to an end

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     disapointment
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     things moved so quickly it wouldn't have made much differnce
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     nothing
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     i choose to not choose
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     your spirit is what makes your soul you and when you die your soul
and spirit leave to go on and do better things
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     can be a little stuning at first but later after its happend you
feel glad that they stopped in to let you know that they were okay
and that you would be too
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     you can never go back and undo things and everything that happens
happens for a reason im just glad for the opportunity to love the
people i have loved

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     i feel that if and when i want to share anything with my loved one
who has passed all that i really need to do is just start talking
im sure he is there and is listening

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     i have had many isnstances of people visiting me in dreams and in
spirit on occasion it really makes you think but for the most part
its a comfort to know that they still are there if you need them

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     always make sure that no one will have to worry about how to plan
your funeral have everything ready asap so it won't be an issue

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     i know that death is inevitable and i am not worried at all when
it is my time to go then its my time thats why it is best to live
life to the fullest and ask questions later

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Passage of Time 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Other: 
     i was so young i don't think that i really understood what was
going on
 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri May 14 19:32:23 1999
F30 in Greeley, CO =USA=
Email: <mmm-at-ctos.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: nursing student
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	The Courage to Grieve.
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Tautbaum (?)
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother,  5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 45.

--Details: 
     I guess I cannot understand how a medical doctor (my mother) could
not recognize any symptoms of colon cancer.  Her cancer had pretty
well mastized by the time of her diagnoses.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     transition of the soul

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     felt closer to that person than I had ever felt.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...My mother called me one evening and said she
	was diagnosed with cancer. She died about a month and a half later.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     all the wonderful people whose lives were touched by my mother,
and the continued closeness I have with them.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it is not final. That death should be celebrated by how an
individual lived.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     Being able to tell my mother how I honestly feel about her before
she passed on.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my mother, a friend, and my uncle.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Knowing I would not be able to share mother/daughter moments with
her again.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Sometimes just sitting with them quietly is what is needed. I think
people are too frightened by comfortable silences.
 
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     ???

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     my mother was somewhat comatose, and didn't want me there to see her.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     (this never occurred)
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     spend more time being a "better" daughter while she was alive.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     tell her how I felt about her.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I'm not sure.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     Mother's Day comes up.  Moments in my life that I would want to
pick up the phone and call my mother (birth of my son, granduating
college, etc...).

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I wouldn't feel as alone in the world.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     there are so many "bad" people that live long lives, and the "good"
people die young.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     Go to be with my mother.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     finally cried.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     ???
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     wonderful. Helpful.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Nothing
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     No Affiliation.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     appropriate.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     I received a substantial amount after my mother's death, and I felt
very strange about taking it.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     The 'funeral' was very much my mother! Her closest friends and
family hiked up to a spot in the Jemenez Mountains that she loved
very much, and then we released her ashes. We then told of our
fondest memories of her strengths, humour, ideas, and love.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     Hearing someone say, "Oh you're the one with the mother that
died, I'm sorry." I don't understand why people feel this need to
apologize, like they had control over it or something.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     There were no signs, it went like this:  nagging pain, diagnoses,
chemotherapy, excrutiating pain, liver failure (coma), death.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     Disbelief, then rage, panic or helplessness, acceptance of
the death. After 5 years I still feel a tremendous loss, and
occassionally go through this process again on a less dramatic scale.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I am not aware of any such experience.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I feel that I resolved all of my issues with my mother.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would like to hear I Love You one last time.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I sometimes think I see my mom driving in a car or in a crowd of
people. I also get feelings that she is just going to call me some
day ( I'm sure that goes along with denial).

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     Final issues should always be taken care of, because once it is
over they can linger.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I think I would feel somewhat at peace with it. I no longer look
at death as a scary thing.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     Every year at Christmas I get a candle in my mother's name on the
Hospice tree of lights.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I sing Billie Holliday songs at the top of my lungs while driving
in my car. (It's something my mom and I did together)

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     Yes, my mother's intimate friend became a very close friend.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Adult  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 
     The people at Hospice were very helpful.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Rage 
     Mostly it was anger and disbelief.
 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I'm not quite sure.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Tue May 11 16:25:55 1999
F25 in Winnipeg, Manitoba =Canada=
Name: Karla
Email: <terryandkarla-at-hotmail.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: health care aide
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	A Midwife Through The Dying Process
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 6 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack;   Aged: 53.

--Details: 
     I knew since I was very young that my dad had a heart condition
and could have a heart attack at any time. He had a number of heart
attacks and strokes before the one that killed him. I had spent the
day with my dad on the day that he died, and I was so glad that I
did. I was also the one who found my dad dead, which was special
to me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandfather died in his sleep just a few
	hours after we had gone to visit him in another province.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     thinking how strong my mother was to be attending to the many
details that need to be taken care of after a death.

--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that if you are a Born-again Christian and have accepted Jesus
Christ as your personal Savior, death is not something to fear
because you will be going to heaven to be with God.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     being thankful to God that I had spent the day with my dad and that
I had had as many years with him as I did.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my personal relationship with God, Who always knows what I am going
through and will not give me anything that I am not able to handle.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     not having my dad here for the special events in my life and just
to see who I have grown up to be.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     make sure that you touch the dying person (ex.holding their hand)
so that they know that they are not alone while they are dying and
how you feel about them. Also, make sure that you tell them how
you feel about them while you still have the opportunity.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     tell my dad how much I love him once more before he died. Also,
I was in my "rebellious" teenager stage when my dad died. I wish
that I could apologize for the way that I behaved.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     Father's Day is coming up and there are so many advertisements for
it. Also, Father's Day itself is the hardest day of the year for
me in terms of missing my dad with almost everybody else spending
the day with their father. Also, when someone close to me dies,
it stirs up feelings about my dad and his death again.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that other people get to have their fathers with them until they
are both a lot older.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     have even one day now with my dad so that he could give me advice
and comfort. But then I also think how difficult it would be to
have to say good-bye to him again.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     missed my dad like crazy and wondered how I would ever get by
without him.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     gratitude. The 911 operator kept me on the phone and gave me
instructions until the firefighters got to the house. All of the
firefighters and ambulance attendants were so good to us. When we got
to the hospital, the doctor and nursing staff kept us well-informed
of what was happening and did their best to save my dad's life.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     knowing that I always had a Friend with me wherever I went Who
knows what I am going through.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     I am a Christian.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     everything was left to my mother in my father's will (as it should
be). But I felt that my mother spent all of the money right away,
all at once, on frivilous things. But maybe that was part of her
way of dealing with the death.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     how many people there were at the funeral, some who I would not
have expected to come, but I was so glad that they did.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     a big increase and then a big decrease in the rate of
respiration. Also, the person may be staring off into space and/or
the eyes may roll back in their head.

--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     My unresolved issue is the guilt that I feel for the way that I
behaved as a teenager, and the pain that I put both of my parents
through, but at least my mother is still here for me to apologize to.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would tell my dad how much I love him and appreciate all that he
did for me.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I work in a nursing home, so I have seen many times how difficult it
is for someone to try to decide what their ill or injured loved one
would want in terms of medical intervention at that point. Their
decision is also often affected by the person's desire to have
their loved one stay with them. I have made up a living will, and
think that it is a very good idea for everybody to have one to make
a difficult time a little less difficult for those who love you.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I am not afraid to die because I am a Christian and I know that
I am going to heaven to be with God when I die. However, I do not
want to die right now because I enjoy life and have a lot of stuff
that I would still like to do here.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     When I found my dad dead, I was on the phone with one of my friends
at the time. He was the first one to come to the house, even before
the firefighters got there. Then he drove me to the hospital after
the ambulance had left with my dad. Although he has since moved
out of the province with the armed forces, I will always feel a
special bond to this friend because of this experience that we
shared. Unfortunately, he has been transferred again and has not
given me his new address. I wish that he would contact me.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Disbelief it could happen 
     I was young and did not completely understand what death was. Not
that we will ever really completely understand all aspects of death
until we get to heaven and can talk to God about it.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I remember my mother telling my sister and I that tere would probably
be some people at my dad's funeral who were not that close to him
who would be crying and upset. She told us that we did not have to
comfort them because the three of us were the ones who had the most
right to be upset. I didn't agree with her and felt that this was a
selfish attitude. I felt that these people were upset for the same
reason that we were, because they also missed my dad, and that we
should comfort and support each other. I feel that doing this was
part of what helped me to deal with my dad's death.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     This questionnaire was very helpful because it had me think about
some questions that I had not thought about before or for a long
time. Also, it is helpful to type out my thoughts instead of just
saying them.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May 11 13:03:51 1999
F41 in Youngwood, PA =USA=
Name: Lisa Page
Email: <pagel-at-wccc.westmoreland.cc.pa.us>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Graphic Artist
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter,  almost 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: drowning;   Aged: 3 yrs,9mos.

--Details: 
     My daughter and a friend the same age as her climbed the fence of
a neighbor's pool and jumped in. They both drowned.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the biggest mystery humans experience. People fear it,run from
it,seek to figure it out. So far, it remains an enigma.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     did not comprehend because I was very young and was not very close
to the person who died.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...when I was 5 or 6 years old, our neighbor
	across the street died in the middle of the night. His wife must
	have called my parents for help or something because I remember
	being up in the middle of the night. My mother told me 'Mr. Tarro
	went up to heaven ' and I pictured him floating up through his
	chimney and up into the sky.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the excruciating pain every morning waking up and realizing this
horrible thing had happened.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     after my daughter died, I heard that an old friend of mine from high
school lost two children. I sought him out to offer my condolences
and let him know that I had lost achild too if he wanted to talk. He
and I ended up having two more beautiful children together, and
I have to believe that if my daughter hadn't died, I would not
have them.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     That has changed somewhat over the years. I have had some friends
and family to support me all along, but in recent years, I have
gained a faith in a God of my understanding and that is very helpful.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     feeling that I could have done something to prevent it. I was
wracked with guilt.
  
--[My Daughter's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     let go of my guilt and stopped trying to figure out "why?"

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     in the first year afterward. I tried to medicate myself to ease
the pain, plus my marriage broke up in that time. It was atime of
total upheaval.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     both laughing and crying serve the same purpose sometimes.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     bury my daughter in a place where I could be buried with her
someday.She is in a childrens' section of the cemetery. I cannot be
buried there. Also I wish I had tried to deal with the pain without
the use of drugs and alcohol. It did not lessen the pain and just
prolonged the grieving process, not to mention making my life even
more miserable.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     reach out to others who also lost children and stop blaming God
and myself for what happened.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     something triggers my memory of the scene of her death.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I guess I don't imagine very far in that direction.

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     tried desperately to escape the pain and horror I felt.I stayed
loaded and cried and cried.

--Religious Affiliation:
     past - Catholic, currently no organized affiliation
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I have made my amends to my daughter by writing a letter to her
forgiving her and asking her forgive me for my shortcomings and
mistakes.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I wrote all those things down at one point in a letter to my
daughter, read it out loud, and then let it go.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I believe that when it is my time to go there should be no heroic
efforts of science to delay that or bring me back.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     The hardest part of death is probably for the living who miss the
person who has died. It would be good to know that I am missed,
however, I am sure that for me, all my pain and problems will be
gone and I will be finer than I ever was.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     My children and I usually make a cake on my dead daughter's birthday
to remember her.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     No rituals per se, but the realization that I am a strong person
and can probably deal with anything life throws at me after having
lived through that.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     Yes I have. I have met new friends in reaching out for help and
going through my daughter's death together has cemented my friendship
with one of my cousins.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    -none- 
     I was very young and did not understand. It did not affect me much.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     Many people reached out to me over time, but I feel that the most
helpful have been people who experienced the same thing or people
close to me who knew my daughter and can remember her with me. i also
try to reach out and help others in grief. That in turn helps me.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It was interesting. Most of the topics I have already thought of
or dealt with, but a helpful tool. Thank you.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May 11 10:07:21 1999
M19 in ,  =Holland=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  Using the search engine "Yahoo"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather,  5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a stroke;   Aged: 74.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--That first time, how it happened was
     My dog died. Which was pretty hard for me as a little child.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     Right before my grandfather died, he said he went to a better place
and he would see my grandmother again.

--What I think my (Holland) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     Sometimes it is better for people to let them die, than to let them
live. Because they have got nothing left to live for. But they do
have to say it themselves. You can not make that decision.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     My grandfather was happy to see my grandmother again in heaven.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     My family and my friends
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     The cremation and seeing the coffin. And knowing that it is
true. Because first you just can't believe it.
  
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     I have learned a lot of things from my grandfather. Especially that
you have to enyoy all the little things in life. Materialism isn't
the most important thing in life, family and friends are.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     After the cremation. And I realized my grandfather was dead.

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     visit my family and friends more.

--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     dividing the heritage.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     it is the fact that you are not here anymore and you don't know
where you are going, if you are going somewhere. You also don't
know if this is the end, a black emptyness.

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     It played a role in which I knew there is a better place after death.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Reformed
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 
     I know that the person that died is in a better place.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Disbelief it could happen 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon May 10 16:21:20 1999
Anonymous Guest 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  I work for a Hospice

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	Final Gifts, understanding the special awareness, needs, and
communications of the dying.
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You),  yrs ago.
Aged: 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...My great-uncle whom I had not developed a
	close relationship with as I was only 3 years old. He was very old
	and I assume it was a timely death.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 
     My parents were open to me experiencing the closeness of the family
during this time.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Silence & Taboos 
     My mother kept me isolated later in life about death.  My next
death experience was when I was a teenager and it was my grandfather.
 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon May 10 10:27:03 1999
M55 in Anchorage, AK =USA=
Name: Randy Knauff
Email: <ydnar-at-alaska.net>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Retired teacher, own sea kayak company
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Carl Sagan, Buddha (original = no afterlife), Darwin
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You),  yrs ago.
Aged: 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end of the physical, emotional, mental entity that inhabited
the body.  No soul, only memories, lessons taught and modeling.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     missed their presense in my life.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...grandfather died after surgery

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     we are all dying, just some know their probable schedule more
accurately.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     just another very real part of the life cycle, not to be feared.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     appreciation for my health and choices.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     reason, sense of history, not having to invent afterlives to
allay fears.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     missing the personal interactions.
  
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     What if in the past is a waste of emotional energy that can be
better spent improving the present.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     LIfe is never fair, was never meant to be, this belief leads to
lots of unnecessary frustrations.

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     it isn't hard to accept the FACT, it is hard to accept the vacancy.
Most people dkon't deal with death as a realityi before it happens
to someone they know, then it is reaction time without a solid
frame of referencde.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     often medical expertise and expense might be better spent on
preventative medicine and helping more viable lives rather than
forstalling imminent deaths for short while.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     it is a good support institution for most people.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     agnostic/Nazarene
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     like oxygen deprivation, which is the best explanation for "near
death experiences".
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     tahe necessity of ritual for most people.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     work out a good healthy informed philosophy of death when there is
no influence of a sick or dying person at that time in our life.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     the mind calls up whatever it needs for self preservation and
emotional comfort.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     I have been near potential death in a number of loife situations,
but not the "on the table/death bed" lack of O2 thru the tunnel
variety.  I like to look over my shoulder (ala Carlos Casteneda),
smile and say "not yet".
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     One should try to life so that if they went or a friend went, they
would be satisfied with teh existing conditions. For every person,
today may be their last, live accordingly.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     One should have the right to die at anytime if they so desire.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     Immortality comes from recycling our body parts and the enduring
effects our works and memories have on others.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     Thot out view that death is just part of the evolutionary process.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     Daily affirmations to enjoy eachday of active life.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Religion/Clergy 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     Lots of leading questions in traditional approaches to death
(religious, grief because of no solid prethot philosophical
framework, reactions to death rather than acceptance as a regular
part of life.)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun May  9 20:34:26 1999
F28 in Watervliet, New York =USA=
Name: Tammy
Email: <Tamkayla-at-aol.com>
   Web: n/a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: n/a
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     n/a
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 17  yrs ago.
Cause of Death: rare blood disease;   Aged: 47.

--Details: 
     It was a horrible shock to me to lose him when I was so young and
he was so young.  It was so hard for me to deal with.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     The end of this life as we know it and the possbility of going onto
a different life in another place.  This place has no suffering.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was in disbelief.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my father passed away when I was 12 years old.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     Wondering if me and my mother would be okay without my father.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it is not the end.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     that my father no longer is suffering.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     just being with my family.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     not having enough time with my father.  Growing up without him.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     n/a
 
--[My Father's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     got past the pain and dealt with my loss.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     my father died.  I didn't realize that he was that sick because no
one really told me.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     it helped to relieve my stress.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     be with my dad when he passed away.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     get over the pain.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I viewed my father in the coffin.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     eating after the funeral.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I look at pictures.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would love to have him with me again.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I didn't have enough time with him.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     block it from my mind forever.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     realized that he was in a safe place without suffering.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     that not enough was done for him.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     n/a
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     That my father would go to heaven and that comforted me a lot.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Christian/Catholic.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     There is a Heaven.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     we would now be struggling without my father;s income.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     that I felt that I was in a bad dream.  It seemed almost like I
was in a deep fog.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     seeing my father in a coffin.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     n/a

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     n/a
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     My father saw my cousin who had passed away a few years prior.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     n/a
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     n/a

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would tell my father I loved hiim.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Yes, my father and also my mother have appeared numerous times to
me in my dreams.  I also sometimes can feel their precense with me.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I feel that a dying persons wishes should be carried out.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I am not afraid of death.  I believe that when I die that I will
go to Heaven and see my family again.  This comforts me.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     prayer

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     prayer

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     n/a

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     How well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Memories to hold 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Disbelief it could happen 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I always try to reach out to someone when they are dealing with
death.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It was helpful.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     n/a


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat May  8 19:13:44 1999
F15 in melville, saskatchewan =canada=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend,  3 mths ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 45.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     sad yet a celebration, full of mixed emotions, a mystery,
interesting, different

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried, sat in disbelief, prayed, got over it and then went on with
my life

--That first time, how it happened was
     my great grandmother died and i was always close to her that i can
	remember at that age

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the shock, it still hinders me today, i cant believe shes gone,
she was there for me and gave me strength, now, shes just gone and
im lifeless without her

--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     nothing, everything in my culture seems perfect to me, i understand
it and have no confusion

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     feeling loved and seeing the deceased happy

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     walks in nature
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     them being gone and memories
  
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     n/a

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     the funeral takes place and you have to say your final goodbye

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     i feel guilty, and stupid...yet better
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     say goodbye

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     know her
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     the songs they sing
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     the prayers

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     DIE
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     began to cry

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     love
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     sadness
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     alot
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     ??? ukrainian catholic???
 
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     paleness

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     beautiful, understanding

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     i wont be scared, id like to die and live in the light forever

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     poetry

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     nope

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Viewing the Body 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Thoughts of the Afterlife 


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri May  7 19:42:06 1999
F17 in Buffalo, NY =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  checking out various pyschology websites and found this one
intriguing
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather,  2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a stroke;   Aged: over 70.

--Details: 
     This was a really complicated experience in my life.  I had idolized
my grandfather, and it was not his death I found so difficult as the
loss of an ideal, a hero.  During the coarse of a year, he slowly
deteriorated; however, right after his death we learned a number
of disturbing facts about him, which I still have not reconciled.
We lost a hero, not because he died, but because we were confronted
wwith his faults, his mistakes...his humanity.  This happened at a
horrible time, right after his death.  The entire mourning process
was so complicated and conflicting, all my issues wonderfully
intertwined: religion, family, school, "name"...all wrapped into
my grandfather, his death, his funeral.  It was awful.  I'm not
sure if I ever actually grieved for him, or if I ever reconciled
the conflicting emotions.  Oh well.  I know in manys ways he was
a good man, the words "He Made a Difference" are etched on his
tombstone...but, he also did things that are hard to understand.
But, I know I will never forget him, for good or bad and that the
circumstances surrounding his death affected me tremendously.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was unsure what it meant.  I still don't truly understand what death
is...someone leaves us, but what follows.  How to deal with grief?
How to fill the emptiness.  I don't think anyone can ever truly
understand death, but you can learn to cope with it, and move
beyond it.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...a good friend of mine when I was...maybe a
	round 7,had luekemia.  A few days before she died I had been playing
	with her, for quite a while as I recall.  We had a really good time.
	A few days later, I found out that she had died.  I don't really
	remember how it made me feel, definitely not happy, but I don't think
	I truly understood what had happened.  I just knew we couldn't play
	together any more.  I found out a few years ago that she had been
	misdiagnosed and that her luekemia had been treatable; however, by
	the time the doctors realized their error, it was too late.  I feel
	really bad for her family, she had two older brothers, about my age,
	and they're rather messed up, I think a lot of it is because their
	parents are afraid to discipline them.  The parents don't want to
	lose their remaining children, and seem to be doing just that by
	letting those boys slip out of control.  Oh well.  The parents are
	wonderful people, and I think about Catherine a lot, and I wonder
	how the family might have turned out, if she hadn't died.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the funeral.  It was awful.  The hardest thikng I ever had to
do...I had to speak, read a poem I had written, when my emotions
were still tremendously conflicted.  I remember experiencing stage
fright for probably the first time in my life...and collapsing next
to my mother right after I returned to the pew.  The funeral was held
in old church, the church I truly hate for all it represents, the
church the bspawned all my issues concerning religion.  I remember
the burial.  I remember visiting his grave a few weeks ago for the
first time, and reading the inscription, "He Made a Difference"
and crying, then placing a stone on the tombstone and walking away.
I remember everything about his death, and the havoc it wreaked on
my entire family, and I knwo I will never forget it.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     Thta it means different things to different people.  It aggravates
me greatly when someone presumes that I deal with death the same way
they do.  Not all people react the same way.  I also feel that my
culture is very...distant in many ways.  Grief is private, carefully
concealed in public.  My friend's father died this past fall, and
I attened the funeral.  My friend is Hindu.  I felt as though I had
intruded into someone's private grief, that I did not belong there.
I watched her family break down before my eyes, in the middle
of the ceremony...I felt like a voyeur, an intruder, yet she had
wanted me there.  Her culture deals with death very differently,
not better or worse, but different, and everyone needs to accept,
and respect these differences.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     writing.  It formed an escape for me, when I was unable to discuss my
feelings.  Eventually, talking with people was extremely helpful, yet
before I could do that I needed to reach a certain level of comfort.
My writing let me do that, it saved me in so in so many ways.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     realizing that I don't know what happens after death.  I have no
belief system to cling to, I don't know if i believe in an afterlife
or just nothingness.  The thought of nothinginess fightens me, but
at the same time, that might be what follows.  Not being able to
imagine some form of a peaceful afterlife made dealing with death
extremely difficult.
  
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     It's different everytime.  Each death has a different set of
circumstances, and I don't have a general answer to this.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     it was the stress, the surrealness of the moment.  There was a time
last year when a friend of mine wanted to kill herself, she had
the gun and everything.  Well, another friend told me, and the two
of us confronted her.  Our friend was so...illogical and hopeless.
It was so scary.  She went off to class and told us not to worry.
Well, needless to say we were not reassureed.  Skipping french clas,
the two of us went to our dean to discuss the issue.  Anyway,
while we were in his office, it was surreal, and for some odd,
inexplicable reason, I felt like laughing.  IO can't explain it.
But, the important thing is that we got our friend help and that
she's safe and alive today.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     really talk.  About everything.  To let him or her know how much
I cared.  And, to have answers to any and all lingering questions.
The unkowns that can never be answer, the things which remain
unsaid, that might be the hardest part, because you can never make
it truly better.

--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     a rock is placed on a grave.  Its a jewish tradition (I'm half
Jewish and half Protestant)  That tradition is probably the only
tradition from either half I follow...I really like the symbolism,
a token that you have visited the grave.  Its really beautiful.
So, I always place a rock on any grave I visit.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     think I cried.  I'm not really sure.  The impact hits and, well...it
produces pain, anger, sadness.  I don;t know.  Yes, I think I cried.

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     something I try to avoid.  I have serious religious issues, it cannot
bring me any comfort, it only creates more confusion.  Especially
when someone tells me, God is looking after you/the deceased...or,
just pray...or, take comfort in heaven...and I just want to hide.
I cannot pray, I cannot find comfort in God...religion only reminds
me of things that bother me.  I realize that religion is a source
of comfort for many people, and there is nothing wrong with that;
however, I cannot trust any organized religion, I find too much
corruption and deceit in it.  Oh well...religion is a slight issue
for me, without even relating it to death.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     technically, I am half Jewish, half random Protestant sect...but
really Im nothing.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     Well, let's just say that money was intrinsically tied to the
problems concerning my grandfather's death.  Yes.  Money is an issue,
and I hate that it is.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     Well, as with most of this survey, things with my grandfather are
totally unresolved.  The whole idea of closure, I hate the lingering
doubts, questions...that can never be resolved.  I've learned that
I need to accept the fact that I can never know the truth, and that
my life cannot depend on that knowledge.  That I need to both grieve
for him, forgive him and remember him...without knowing the truth.
They can never be resolved, but I can move on without that closure.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Other: 
     it happened so long ago, and I think Catherine means more to me
know, as a symbol, then she did then.  That sounds horrible, but
I was young.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Religion/Clergy 
     I have some religious...issues...and it seems that whenever someone
I know dies, people use religion to console me.  That makes me feel
more alone, and touches on things I find disconcerting as well. I
know religion is a source of comfort to others, but it can't be
for me.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Fri May  7 13:44:07 1999
F24 in Dallas, Texas =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: engineering
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather,  2 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: ephyzema;   Aged: 81.

--Details: 
     He was a heavy smoker all of his life and we were pretty prepared
for it.  It was the first funeral that I went to but not the first
person in my life to die.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end of life

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     didn't know what to expect at the wake and the funeral.  And I got
sick of people saying how good he looked.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my Grandfather died when I was 21.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     my father having good things to say that made us all feel like we
had had our "cclosure" with my grandpa.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it's going to happen to us all.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     that we were able to be at the funeral, even though finacially we
couldn't really afford it.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my parents and my sister.  ANd having a good boss that realized
that I needed the time off.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     realizing that at the funeral was the last time that I was going
to see him.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     everyone needs to know that they're loved, whether you think that
they are "alive" enough to understand what you're saying.
 
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     was supportive to my grandmother in telling her how independant
she really was and that she was going to be able to make it.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     he got better medically before he died.  Like the calm before
the storm.

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     tell him that I love him and see him more since we live in Texas
and they lived in Michigan.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     stay strong and always act like a lady and make my grandpa proud.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     friends of my dad's that he hadn't seen in years came to pay their
respects to my grandpa because he was such a great guy.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     telling us over and over again that he looked better now (in the
casket) then he'd looked in years.

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     indifference.  He had done nothing to help himself.  He kept smoking
up to the end.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     alot of support from church friends
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Methodist
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     all of it cost so much and there's nothing that you can do but pay
for it because they have you right where they want you.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     alot of support and reunions of people that we hadn't seen in awhile.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     not wanting to go up to the casket.  I didn't do that until I knew
that it was the last time that I would get to.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     oxygen machines and not being able to take care of yourself anymore.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     When my grandmother died, she was in a coma for a week.  She was
totally out of it.  The night that she died, she raised her arms in
the air and called her husband's name---who had died 18 years before.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I don't feel like I have any unresolved issues.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would like to know what my uncle was really like.  I was pretty
young when he died and I have heard so many cool things about him
that I would just like to know what he was like.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I had a very vivid dream where I woke up crying.  My uncle was in it.
Asking me to forgive my father.  I loved my uncle so much and him
and my dad were best of friends and brothers.  His death affected
my dad alot.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I don't want to live via a machine.  That's not what was intended
for me.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     Well, because I'm young...I try not to think about it.  But,
it is something that I think about more often as I get older.
Things like not to smoke and eat right so that I can live longer.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I just told myself that they're in a better place.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Adult  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I would've just liked to talk about what a great person he was and
some of my good memories.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It was useful.  Although it made me sad to think about the ones
that I love that are gone.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     The ones that I didn't answer. I didn't understand
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri May  7 00:27:41 1999
F47 in Pasco, WA =USA=
Name: Brenda High
Email: <jaredstory-at-jaredstory.com>
   Web: http://WWW.jaredstory.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: Assistant
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     there will be a suicide prevention page and a Purpose of Life Page
that could be very helpful to individuals who have been through
what we have.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You),  yrs ago.
Aged: 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     passing to the spirit life

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried all day and night for weeks

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     how sad we all felt that he left us

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     faith

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     all the friends coming to comfort us

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     friends
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     that he died by suicide
  
--[My Son's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     learned most of the reasons why

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I found out that he killed himself because I couldn't believe it
wasn't just a bad dream

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     It's OK to release all emotions. I didn't laugh much though
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     say I love you or prevent him from dying altogether

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     say I'm sorry
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     can't think
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     that he used a gun. We were more worried about Why he did it

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I think of his best friend he left behind or when another child in
our community commits suicide.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     we were looking for help that day he died. But he killed himself
before we had the chance. Things would of been alot diferent had
we known that he even was thinking about suicide

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     Parents should never outlive their children

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     die and visit him in heaven for awhile, but then come back to life
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried alot and wanted to talk about it to everyone

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     he died instantly. The chaplin and police officers were really
sensitive
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     everything. I don't know how people make it without a belief in
life after death.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon)
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     we are all brothers and sisters having an earthly growth
experience. We will all die sooner or later and that's part of
the experience.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     we were very lucky we had insurance
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     it was full to the brim with kids, my son's friends. The funeral
was comforting

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     nothing weird I can think of

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     depression

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     let time help the grief
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I believe this is true
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     I don't know of any, but I gain comfort in reading their story.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     There will be a lawsuit because my son was assaulted, which led to
physical and psychological injuries which let to the suicide. Until
this is over this issue will go unresolved. But I believe my son
is OK in Heaven.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would like to tell him I miss him and love him and hope he is
enjoying himself there.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Yes, a child friend of my son saw him in a dream with Jesus Christ
and my son gave a message to me (mom) through her. It gave me alot
of comfort and I know it was a true dream

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I don't want too many sad faces

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     my mother told me she felt better about dying now because she knew
Jared would be there waiting for her. I think I feel the same. I'm
not excited about dying but I'm not afraid to go either. I want to
have more fun here first

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     yes I have done a web page: jaredstory.com Our lawyers asked us
to take it off but it will be back on next week after they review
it. But this didn't creat closure, it was more like remembrance

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I've changed considerably, little things don't bother me as much,
life has more meaning, people have more meaning, I care and hurt
when I see another teenager suffering or depressed. I want to help
them get through the tough times.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     yes, many new friends and a neighbor that we didn't get along with
sent us flowers and now we get along fine.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	at what age  
			How'd I do?     How well

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I went to my son's school and talked to the kids because they were
having a hard time too. I did alot of hugging and still do alot of
hugging. I have visited and talked to other parents who have lost
their child by suicide


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I stayed up 45 minutes past my bedtime to do this... it was good
for me

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     you did fine
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May  6 08:03:47 1999
Anonymous Guest  in ,  ==
... in ,  ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: murdered;   Aged: 40.

--Details: 
     It is significant because this was my best friends mother and she
died horribly.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     Part of our lives, we know that humans are born and then they die.
We all have different believes of what happens to us after death
and why it happens, my belief is that we die because its our time
to go and the Lord takes us when he is ready for us.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     I didnt know the person well but it happened in the same place I
was working, she was murdered too...

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my mother's father died, in a different
	country than where we live.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     I see my friend's pain, and how lonely she will be

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It is part of life, and its ok to talk about it.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     I almost died once and i am very grateful, to god for saving my life.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     talking to my husband about and helping my friend as much as i could
 
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     listen, listen, listen
 
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     It can happen any time to any one so i believe we need to appreciate
this world and who brought us into it

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     at first when it happened

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     be there for my friend
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     one of the younger sons took it like it was just something that had
to happen and I couldnt understand how he had the intellegence to
see that at his age
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     My friend acted as though she was fine through the whole experience

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     became depressed and questioned the Lord

--Religious Affiliation:
     catholic
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     Like no matter what religion we practice there is always a supreme
being that dominates over our world and it all falls into place
through this being
 
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     Seeing my friend deal with all the problems you deal with after
your family is gone

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Other: 
     I wasnt to close to this relative and i was young


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Helping Other People cope 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May  4 14:24:07 1999
M40 in pensacola , fl =escambia=
Name: John Hamrac
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Blue collar
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister,  30yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car crash;   Aged: 21.

--Details: 
     kill by a drunk with a bad heart

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     a part of life

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was 9 years old

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandfather

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the way people were

--What I think my (escambia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     people getting a long

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the time i had with them.....

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     viseting the grave
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     never seeing her again
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     i'll see you soon
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Lack of Awareness 
     my mom


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Memories 


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon May  3 10:07:51 1999
Anonymous Guest
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend,  9yrs ago.
Cause of Death: playground accident;   Aged: 9.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my best friend died in a playground accident
	when we were in elementary school

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Zoning Out 
     everyone zoned out


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Helping Other People cope 


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon May  3 01:07:45 1999
F44 in Mosier, Or =USA=
Email: <malona-at-thedalles.net>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  from yahoo search

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: CNA
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...family notified us of Great grandfathers death

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Upbringing 
     Kids were taught not to speak around adults, kids seen and not heard
 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 
             
See  Apr 99   contributions.
See  Mar 99   contributions.
See  Current  contributions.
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