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See Current contributions.
See Jan 98 contributions.
See Dec 97 contributions.
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Sat Feb 28 23:41:40 1998
F45 in Sacramento, CA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 78 years.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
knew my Uncle had died and I would never see him again. I also
believed that he was in heaven and one day we would all be together
again, in heaven.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my Uncle.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how hard it was to accept the fact that I would never see him,
talk to him, see his smile or hear his laugh again.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I believe my father waited for me, to be there with him, to say
goodbye to him, before his soul went to heaven.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my best friend, and my social worker.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my mother never acknowledging that I had lost my father, only that
she had lost her husband.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I needed that release.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my sister "I love you" before she hung up the phone.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have my ex-husband fly in for the funeral of my father and my
sister.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see something that my father made just for me, or different
pictures of him, and especially at Christmas time. He always enjoyed
Christmas, and when you'd ask him what he wanted for Christmas, his
reply would always be the same... "just to have my family with me".
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I am left here with my mother. It was suppose to be my sister
and I, not just me.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
tell my mother to leave me alone.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
prayed every night that I would see my father/sister one more time,
in a dream.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
comfort and peace.
--Regarding MONEY:
my mother became more controlling, manipulative, greedy and
self-centered than before my father's death.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
people truly loved my father, for who he was and how he treated
people.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
hearing my name during the eulogy.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a far away look in their eyes, and a calmness that comes over them.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel at peace. I know that my sister knew that I loved her, and
have stopped beating myself up because I didn't say it to her,
that day before we hung up. My best friend and my social worker
have both helped me to work through the guilt I have felt for a
long time, over this.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
If I could just hear them tell me "I love you, and I know how much
you loved me".
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
If I am incapable of communicating, and am a vegetable that is
hooked up to a machine to survive...disconnect me from the machine
is my wish, even though it may be hard emotionally to do.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
When I lost my sister, I felt alone. Then when my father died,
I felt as though I had lost my family and now I was alone. I'm not
afraid of dying in itself, what I wonder about is, will I be missed
or remembered by people who knew me? me
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
In the beginning I would go to the cementary every week and just
talk to my father and my sister.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought up alot of feelings that I have been working through
with my social worker, and do feel alot better about myself and
what I'm feeling about the loss of my father and my sister.
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Sat Feb 28 13:44:26 1998
F22 in Atlanta, GA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 42.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very sad and wasn't sure how to feel. I felt angry and lucky,
but also a little sorry for myself.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My mother died of cancer, which she had been
diagnosed with for the second time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
sadness
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is okay to talk about what has happened and it is not good
to hold your feelings in, no matter what they are. There are no
wrong feelings.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I've gotten closer with my father and I really appreciate who and
want my mother was and is. I feel blessed to have known her and to
be able to learn as much as I can.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family and friends, who were close to my family and really
knew us.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the feeling of loss and emptiness
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them talk about what they want to talk about and meet as many
wishes as possible
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
got through it and wasn't afraid to depend on others even though
it was hard.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I wasn't really sure she was going to die, but I kept feeling like
she was. It made me feel guilty.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to my mother about things from my childhood. And get her
opinions on things in my life. For example what she wanted me to
do or what she thought about different things.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my mother was there for me and all the things she did to better
my life.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Sat Feb 28 03:23:03 1998
F24 in Vancouver, British Columbia =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Education student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4.5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a car accident; Aged: 44.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like leaving the planet and being unable to return.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know how to react. I knew that I should be sad, but I was
just very confused. I didn't completely understand what death meant.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was a great-uncle that my family visited
regularly. I wasn't real close to him, but I had spent a lot of
time around him.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being unable to control my emotions. I could be laughing one minute
and then I would just start to cry if a thought of my mother ran
through my head.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that mourning is indefinate.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
realizing that we need to show appreciation for the people that we
are close to.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my Dad
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
realizing that my Mom would never see me graduate from University,
witness my wedding, and be with me when I had my first child.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
came to terms with the fact that we were not on speaking terms at
the time of her death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first heard that my mom died. I was certain that she was in
critical condition at the hospital, and that she would recover.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughing and crying are closely connected. Sometimes when we
are so emotionally drained we don't know what else to do anymore,
except to laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
appologize for my actions and stubborness.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
organize my mom's funeral knowing that things were done the way
that she would have wanted.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I had to decide what my mom would be buried in. I couldn't decide
if she should wear something casual or formal.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the Church service.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a mother looking into her child's eyes with pure love.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would talk to my mom on the phone at least once a week. We would
spend Christmas together, and she would be helping to make plans
for my wedding.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that there are children out there who don't care what happens to
there mother, and I don't have one to talk to anymore.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
pick up the phone and call my mom.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried uncontrollably.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
talking to someone who understood the variety of emotions that I
was feeling.
--Regarding MONEY:
funeral service providers had us in a corner. They knew that we
had no choices, and thus felt free to charge us whatever price they
wanted to.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the number of people who came to the funeral. I was really surprised
that so many people came. The Church was overflowing with people -
some even had to stand outside.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
going into my mom's house and finding wet clothes in the washing
machine. It seemed to me that the house should have known that my
mom was gone - and so the clothes shouldn't have been there.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel that I still need to take some time and think about the
emotions that I felt immediately after my mom's death. I still need
to forgive her for a lot of things. I think that I can resolve
these through journal writing and talking to friends and family
about what happened.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would ask my mom why she refused to acknowledge my feelings?
I would expect her to appologize and say that she had always
loved me. She would say that would always be my mother, and she
would always be proud of me. If this happened I woud feel a
major burden being lifted from my shoulders. I wish that this
conversation could acctually take place.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am just scared that if I die, my family and friends won't know
how much I love them. I try to let every one I am close to know
that I care for them. If I found out that I was dying I would
want to spend time with my family. However, if I was really ill,
I wouldn't want everyone to come visit me because I would want them
to remember me when I was healthy and happy.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
It helped me to talk about my grief with people that I didn't know
very well. These people were less like to pass judgement on me
and they didn't try to give advice.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought up some painful memories that I hadn't thought of in
a while. That's a good thing because I think that it is unhealthy
to supress unhappy emotions. I want to experience the grief so I
can be a whole person who is touch with all of my emotions.
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Fri Feb 27 21:21:20 1998
F28 in , Texas =USA=
Email: <sam-at-tyler.net>
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Prof/Studies: Nurse
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: drowning; Aged: 2.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Where we relinquish our bodies due to disease or trauma and our
souls move on to a different place.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Denied that they had died and did not ever think what their family
may be going through
--That first time, how it happened was
I was an EMT on an ambulance and we responded to a CPR. We did CPR
on the man and he ended up dying. It was exciting to be able to
do CPR for the first time on a real person. I didn't even think
that the man was dying but how I tried to save him.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
When the news hit the victim's brother. He was working in the
ER when his brother's girlfriend came in from a bad car wreck.
He found out that his brother was killed in the wreck. He said
through his tears, "my brother was in that car, my brother is dead".
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Graveyards are for the living, not the dead.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I live during my childbirth after I coded.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking about it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Grief and feeling sorry for the family members left behind.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
You die alone. If you think you are dying, you want to alienate
yourself so those that are left behind won't be as hurt. When I
had cancer, I pushed all my friends away because I did not want to
put them through the grief.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Why they try to keep someone who is terminal alive.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about how the mother stood over her dying 2 year old and
sang to her "I'm a little teacup short and stout". All of the
medical personel knew the kid wasn't going to make it.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I coded right after giving birth and it was like I just feel asleep
for a couple of minutes and woke up from a dream.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't want to know.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Wear your safety belt.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
OK.
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Fri Feb 27 06:00:55 1998
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, a few months ago ago.
Cause of Death: cancer in the lungs and throat; Aged: 82.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Is when all the systems in your body do not function, when your
heart is not beating to pump the blood and oxygen you need to live.
Your body is not mobile or functioning. You may go to a higher place
(spritually), but who knows?
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
11 yrs old
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everyone crying
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
we need to research that there is proof of a God or that Jesus did
live and things to that naTURE.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH MEAN PEOPLE AND LIFE"S PROBLEMS. IT'S AN
ESCAPE.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I didn't care when the person died
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I cannot talk to them when I need them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
hold them and tell them you love them and you will miss them
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why does it happen to a good person or a healthy person, but jerks
and unhealthy people prevail
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Thu Feb 26 08:52:24 1998
F31 in , ny =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 88.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
ceasing of biological function
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was eight years old. I remember my mother was very upset but I
was not.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandfather dies of cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling powerless
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my grandmother is no longer in pain
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
being unable to help
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
accept that being there is your role
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When my grandmother slipped into a coma, he eyes were open adn she
was breathing yet not responding, she died minutes later.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did not experience this
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend more time with my grandmother
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
...no things were very difficult at times I was overwhelmed, I am
thankful though that my grandmother was able to spend the last 4
months of her life with me and my family.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I did not notice anything in particular
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I don't know what everyone seems to think
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
if I think about what life would be like with out my husband
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I do not do this
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
no
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
it is ok
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
....No, it was not hard to accept the death. Time seemed to fly
and I seemed to move in slow motion.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The medical community involved with Hospice was tremendously
supportive and helpful
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
The medical community involved with Hospice was tremendously
supportive and helpful
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support and a believe system
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true
--Regarding MONEY:
It was not important
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was supportive
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Having the undertacker come to my house and pick up the body
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I think death is like falling asleep. You know you will fall asleep
shortly but you cannot predict the exact moment. My grandmother
seemed to know within hours.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My mother said she saw angels in the room, I did not. I have dreamt
of my grandmother since and felt her presence
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
none
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Wed Feb 25 20:24:43 1998
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
it is located uder entertainment/psychology survay's
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
coming back/rituals of more relions/art of dying/live after -death death
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
-death/life's cycles/etc.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 47.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...i woke one day, asked my mother if
great-grandma called today. i dreamt she called and said she
died. rite after breakfest someone called and told my mother,we
all left to go there and years later my mother reminded me of what
happened that day.i am glad i had forgotten about it after i told
her about my dream, i'm sure the rest of the family would have been
more disterbed that day,and only have been a child it's something
you probelly would say out-loud at that moment.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
plus i've read books and somethings feel rite to have a belief
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
let's just say i was brought you one way and i feel another now
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Wed Feb 25 00:41:34 1998
M35 in calgary, Alberta =Canada=
Name: jim hamilton
Email: <jhamil-at-telusplanet.net>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
I was thinking about my situation while I was browsing
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Prof/Studies: city planner
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 56.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
loss of ones part of ones self. The cutting of the most cherished
part of a persons being.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in shock. It shock the family and was very upsetting
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grampa died from cancer. He was very nice
guy to me. My Mom took it very hard and I say how it affected her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how much she meant to me. Telling the person you love just how
much they mean to my life. Moms death meant at the time that my
life had just been shaken to the ground.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that people dont really have to say much. They have to just have
to listen and be understanding.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I knew that she really loved me for person that I am despite
my faults. Love is the strongest bind and that can never be broke .
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the belief that I will see Mom again after I am gone. My faith in
God .
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss of the most important person in my life. The only person
I felt really loved me as I am.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just to be there if only to hold their hand. Let your love for
them show by simply staying close to them at there greatest time of
need. Say loving things to them about how much there life has meant
to you. A loving touch to the dying is comforting to both people.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
made it through the most difficult part of my life. And that faith
helped me through reaaly hard days.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Mom actually died . I had some denial and I felt like I was out of
my mind for a short time. It was shock I guess.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never felt this. I felt it was not anything to laugh about. I
cant recall doing this because I was too stressed to even think
about laughing.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be more vocal of my feelings about my Moms illness. I wish I could
have talked to her about her imminent death. I feel she may have
wanted too but I felt it to hard to talk about to her. I was in
denial for a long time about it.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
express my love for her and how much she meant to me. I am glad to
know that I did everything I could to help her and that she knew
that I cared so much for her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I became the caregiver. Doing the small things like combing hair or
trying to bring some normalness to a very hard time by discussing
topics other than the present situation. Simply trying the bring
calmness to the one you love.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
trying to say the right thing. People mean well but somethings you
just dont have to say.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
a certain special day comes around or when you are having a hard
day. Also when you see others who have not lost there loved one
having a good time. Also if I here a certain or see a paricular
movie that reminds me of my Mom. A lot of things can remind you of
your loss at any time.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I have no idea how things would be. I know that I probably would
still be close to my home town.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I have lost the most important person in my life. It may seem
selfish but I felt that how could I deserve this.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
put a cover over my head and shut out the world.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
fell apart. It felt like I lost a huge part of myself.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
people do their best. With the resources the medical community has
they do their best.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
there was alot of bureucracy involved. There was a lack of basic
compassion for the ill and the families. Some of the people in the
positions of power should be in a different line of work
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
giving me the faith to go on. I believe it also helped my Mom
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that we are bigger than what we seem to be. To die is to go on to
a bigger and better place. The human spirit seems descened to go
on beyond what we know. It is a feeling you get when the time of
death is near.
--Regarding MONEY:
it played family members against some. When it comes to money,
selfishness comes in to play.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that it was simple and very low key. I felt Mom would have liked it
because I knew how she felt. Some of the people there I resented
somewhat because many of them werent around whem Mom could have
needed them.The funeral had everything that my Mom was. Beautiful
flowers and special personal items which were my Mom.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
knowing that it would be over soon and that it in a way it would
be a relief.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
change in appetite,weariness,the quiteness of the person.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I know my Mom knew I loved her and that she knew I would have done
anything to help her. I have peace of mind to know that I had a
special relationship with her.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I know she would want me to go on and be happy. She would say that
she thanks me for being there at her time of need. I would just
like to tell her that I miss her and that I look forward to seeing
you again.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Only the thoughts of the dying should matter the most.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am quite comfotable about death. I dont want to die yet but Im
not afraid of it as much as I had thought.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
laughing about something funny the loved one may have said. Just
to remember the happy things.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I see more of my Mom in myself as I get older. I am happy to have
called her my Mom and that she has raised me to be what I hope is
a good person.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
My faith and that I will one day be with them again.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
The lonliness that followed. And others appeared lack understanding
of my loss.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was good. It brought back some sad memories but it made me
think of how death affects people. It made me remember that to love
someone is the most important thing in the world
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Tue Feb 24 18:41:31 1998
F19 in Ellicott City, MD =USA=
Name: Alexis
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student in International studies/spanish
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: AIDS/lymphoma/...; Aged: 35.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the cessation of physical existence in this plane/world/universe.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and cried. I felt guilty because I had never gone to see my
aunt in the hospital and the night before my mom had asked me to
go with her to visit my aunt. I was afraid to go and I cried my
way out of it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was my mom woke me up at about 6 am on the first day
of summer vacation to tell me that my aunt had died of cancer. I went
to feed the fish I had just gotten. One was dead. I went and cried
to mommy. I went back to my fish; another was dead. Later I went
outside and found a dead robin in the driveway. At that point my
mom sent me over to a friend's to get away from all the deaths. My
friend's grandfather had just died the week before. Finally after
I got home, I found that my last guppy had died. By that time I
was ready to go to bed and forget that the day had ever happened.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
His sense of humour and how much he taught me. I loved his love
for teaching and literature and his students.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not something to be feared and cannot be avoided. A
story my mom alway tells how, at my grandfather's wake, my
brother, when confronted by all the candles, started singing happy
birthday. Everyone except my mother was horrified despite their
professed believe in God and the afterlife.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the love that everyone expressed for Roger. Students who had him
years ago, students who were currently in college, colleagues,
an people who barely knew him, showed up at his memorial service
to share their memories and their love.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The support and commiseration that my firends showed. We all learned
at the same time and broke into tears and spontaneously hugged
each other. There was no other way for us to react. It also helps
to know that Roger spent that last few weeks of his life doing the
things he loved best. Despite his illness, he went to New York and
crammed as many Broadway shows into the time he had.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing the pain they suffered before they gave up. My aunt spent
more than a year fighting breast cancer so she could be there for her
children as they grew up. Roger spent years coping with the deaths of
his loved ones and his own deterioration, as well as discrimination
and rumors as to the state of his health. No one knew for sure about
the AIDS until he died, yet there were always rumors circulating.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I would have kept in better contact with Roger after he left the
school. I would have gone to visit my aunt the night before she
died. I would have gone to the last extended family birthday party
before my grandfather's death, no matter how sick I was. I would
have told them more often how much I admired them, loved them,
and needed them.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
My friends in I were at a graduation rehearsal, when a guidance
counselor told the three or four of us. We went through the process
fo walking to our seats, then the counselor announced it to the
auditorium. It hit me when I saw the shock on my classmates faces. I
cried, my friends cried, my best friend, who never meet Roger,
cried. We just kept crying, and reminiscing about our memories. I
was sorry that I would never have the opportunity of seeing him
again but I was relieved that his suffering had ended.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
My grandfather died of a brain hemorage that could have
been prevented had he not already had two or three brain
surgeries. However, if he had not had those previous surgeries, he
would not have lived as long as he did. I have to thank the medical
community for having the technology that allowed my grandfather to
live long enough for me to know him.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Although both Roger and my aunt died from AIDS or cancer, I never
saw Roger except at school and I only visited my aunt in the hospital
once or twice.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I am not a follower of organized religion, but at my
grandfather's funeral, the image that pastor gave of my aunt and my
great-grandmother and other family members preparing a place for him
in heaven is what has comforted me the most. Also knowing that they
will all be there for every other member of my family when they die.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Three of the funerals I have attended have been at the church
where I was baptised and attended sunday school. Everyone at those
funerals was a family member or a friend of the family. The thing
that stands out most about Roger's funeral is the ready acceptance
that I and my classmates received from Roger's family and peers.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I think an increased interest in religion or spiritualism is the
most significant sign of impending death for those who know they are
dying. Roger was nearly an atheist from what he said or implied in
school, yet by the time he died, he had incorporated himself into a
church communicated and fully believed in an afterlife and salvation
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have never experienced this phenomenon, however my grandmother
says that she saw her sister just after she said. My great aunt
appeared at the foot of her bed and told her that she will not have
to worry about death or the existence of the afterlife.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My great aunt moved from the west coast to the east coast so that
she could be near her family. She chose to be nearer to her brother
than her sister because she knew that my grandfather would abide
by her do not resuscitate wishes and not allow her to linger on
as a vegetable. Unfortunately Grandpa died before she did, but
fortunately for her, she did not linger as a vegetable.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
One of my beliefs about the afterlife is that if you believe you will
go to heaven, you will and that heaven will be what you want it to
be. Also if you believe you are a sinner and you will go to hell,
then you will go to whatever is hell for you. I don't particularly
want to die anytime soon, but I know that it might happen at any
time. I can hope that I do not linger or suffer, but there is no
way to foretell what may happen.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
My grandmother keeps the creamated remains of my father on the
mantle in her bedroom.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Tue Feb 24 08:20:17 1998
F26 in Palos Heights, IL =USA=
Name: Lauren
Email: <lbohne-at-anl.gov>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: government
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: natural/in his sleep; Aged: 80.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A part of life. The minute we are born, we start dying. It can
be a long dying process, leaving this earth at a grand old age or
it can be a tragic, early death. God puts us on this earth for a
period of time that He sees fit.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I felt kind of distanced from it. I wasn't real close with my
grandfather (dad's father) as he lived far away from me.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather had a heart attack at age 56, when I was 14.
I remember the weirdness of seeing him in the coffin. It looked
to me like he was just sleeping.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How shocked every one was that he passed away. My grandfather
(mom's father) was in the hospital for a brief time, but was given
the "ok" to go home. About four days later, he died in his sleep
at home. We thought that is where he wanted to die, in the same
bed my grandmother died.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to fear dying. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of dying a
painful death. That is where I think the fear of dying originates,
because people sometimes assume dying is always a painful thing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When my grandmother passed away, I was grateful that she didn't
have to battle Alzheimer's anymore. I knew she was in heaven as
her former independent and vocal self.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Music. When I hear beautiful lyrics in songs, it is a comfort.
Also praying, I'm not a big churchgoer, but I do believe in God
and I feel that by praying, I am in touch my my lost loved ones.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the feeling of total loss. Not to be able to talk with that person
ever again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
it is important to keep that person company. You don't have to talk,
just simply "being there" is a comfort.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I wasn't confused at any time.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
We did laugh, my family and I. We knew that is what Poppee would
have wanted. We also did a shot of his really bad whisky because
we knew he was watching.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more than one day a week with him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Talk with my grandfather two days before he passed away.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
can't think of anything
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
food. why do people keep bringing food?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am feeling down or discouraged about something. I remember
what a great person he was and how he was, for a long time, the
only man I could trust. He never let me down.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would still be enjoying having lunch at his house, shooting
the breeze.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
He was just in the hospital and they said he was fine. But, I knew
he wanted to be with my grandmother in heaven, so that helped me
get over those "unfair" feelings.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
leave everything and travel for a while.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Cried and remembered what our last conversation was. I remember
my grandfather saying to me as I walked out the door "So long, baby"
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
there are inconsiderate doctors out there. There are doctors
that treat an elderly person like an infant or talk to the elder's
daughter about the elder like he isn't there.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
praying at a time of need for guidance to get through the pain
of loss.
--Regarding MONEY:
it wasn't a concern. We knew there was somewhat of an inheritance,
but there was no issue made from it. We all got a little money.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I remember at the wake laughing near the end of the day with my
friends. We really needed that, it felt good and I was sure that
my grandfather was laughing right along with us.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Open-casket wakes. (This wasn't the case with my grandfather,
he was cremated; he had a closed casket with numerous pictures of
him next to the casket.) I find open-caskets morbid. Personally,
I would rather remember the deceased as they were alive -- not dead
in a casket.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
there aren't any. Death is always unexpected even if you are
thinking it could happen any day. With my grandmother, we knew
her condition was getting worse and yet when I received the call
that she had passed away, I was still shocked.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I really haven't experienced something like that. I have had
dreams that include my grandfather and they are very real, I would
wake feeling that he was still alive.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel at peace with everything.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I've dreamt about him, and it usually is just memories of when
I visited him woven together. If I could talk to him in a dream
state, I would ask how he likes it up there, seeing as he thought
he'd never get there!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have already told my family that I want to be cremated when I die.
Mu husband doesn't completely agree with me on that, but he will
respect my wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I knew I were to die soon, I would like to tie up any loose
ends, make sure someone would look after my husband. I would live
life to the fullest and try not to get angry. I would hope that
I die painlessly.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
After my grandfather died, I prayed and told God to make sure my
grandfather didn't cause too much trouble up there.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It provided some good questions to think about in the future
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Tue Feb 24 04:59:25 1998
Anonymous Guest in =New Zealand=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
searched for survey's
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, yrs6 months ago.
Cause of Death: a car; Aged: 2.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a person stops existing in this world and passes over to the
next,leaving behind loved ones shrouded in great saddness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried because I felt this was the thing to do,because everyone
around me was very sad.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My nana became ill with bowel-cancer.The family
decided it was best not to really tell the children much about her
illness except that she was sick.I do not remember ever being told
she was going to dieand I was never allowed to go and see her,which
is probably why I handled it so well.Also I was quite young and
do not remember thinking to much about death and never seeing nana
again,just that I missed her in that moment.Thinking back I do not
remember thinking much about her death at allespecially not was she
in pain?,where is she now?etc,I think the family just tried as best
they could to move on
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The immense feeling of lonlinessand emptyness.A feeling of
confusion-as in what do I do now,how do I go on without them.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That is ok to miss them but to realise that they have gone to a
better place.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Being alone,being able to cry,scream,be angryand any other emotion
I was feeling at any given time.Not to hold onto these feelings
but to let them out no matter what the consequences or the fear of
hurting peoples feelings-just worrying about my own feelings.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Moving on ,carrying on with daily life-going to collegeetc.One of
the hardest things was being able to let myself laugh again and be
happy without feeling quilty about not being sad for the lost one.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Mon Feb 23 21:56:12 1998
F33 in , =Canada=
Email: <Pinkpetunia-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
An online psychology experiment site
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Alzhiemers; Aged: 86.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end...everything stops...feeling...perception...motion
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was too young to really be affected by it. The first death that
affected me, I was in my very early 20's, and it was a cousin just
a few years older than me who was murdered...it hit very close to
home...made me fully realise that I was no longer immortal.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a relative by marriage committed suicide
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My father feeling guilty that he was not more affected by his
mother's death...she had been sick for about 10 years before
she died.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Actually I am half native american (father's side) and I think that
side of the family deals wonderfully with death. On the other hand
my mother's family is white, and what they need is more knowledge
about death...to not shield young children from death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When a family member, from my father's side of the family, dies
the rest of the family gathers....all the aunts, uncles, cousins,
and friends of the family. Family squabbles are forgotten for the
duration of the wake, and we love, cry, remember and start to heal
all together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The hearthache, the sadness, and the regret experienced by the
family members.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I have never "been there" during the death.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
How I learned that each individual, including myself, has their own
ways of dealing with grief. That there is no 'wrong' way to behave
when bereaved..some may cry...some may not cry...some may work to
forget...some may sit to remember...and so on.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I don't ever remember being confused.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
at times of strong emotional stress there is a physical need to
releive tension...whether the form of that release is tears or
laughter does not matter.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with them.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for my family.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I have no answer to this question...nothing 'small' about the death
process comes to mind.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Kissing, touching, or even just looking at the dead body...not only
did I find this of little importance...but I found it repugnant.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a movie that has a death in it, it reminds me of the people
I have lost, or when an aquaintance dies, again it tends to remind
of previous deaths that I have felt more strongly.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I cannot think in these terms...once the person is dead they cease
to exist...I remember the past fondly, but were I to think of the
future or even the present, I would think in terms of zombies and
other nightmares from the movies.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
My sister-in-law died, along with her fiance, in a house fire...in
addition their pet dogs died, and I remember thinking that it was
adding insult to injury that even their pets had to die.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I have never been so strongly affected by death...and yet my
family has and for them I wish I could make it all better, to 'fix'
it somehow.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
remebered....I thought of our time together...I thought of all the
little things that made that one individual special. I thought of
the fun times...the laughing. And I grieved for not having more
time with that person, grieved for the things I would never learn
about them, and regretted not having spent more time with them.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I was never involved at the hospital side of things.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I never went to visit my grandmother in the home...she had ceased
to recognize me long before she went into the home, and she got
frightened easily around strangers. For her sake and my own,
I chose not to visit her there.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a duty that I had to do. During the church service I spent my time
thinking of the person, rather than listening to the service. The
graveside ceremony on the other hand had more impact on me, it was
ceremony, it was closure, it was a last goodbye and the beginning
of the healing process.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like it does not exist. Spirituality is to comfort the living, once
you are dead there is no longer any existance, there is no spirit.
--Regarding MONEY:
Money was never an issue with my family. On the other hand, I felt
great anger at the way my in-laws dealt with the issurance. They were
given ALL the insurance money, though they got money not only for
their daughter, but for her fiance. And yet his family did not see
ANY of the money...nor did my in-laws offer to pay for his funeral
costs. I felt that this was a great injustice.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I am used to large funerals, my family is very large, and even
if only family attended the church would be filled... but at my
boyfriend's grandfather's funeral there were only 6 mourners and I
felt bad that this man had lived 90 some years and only six people
cared enough about him at the end to attend his funeral. It was
sad. And though I count myself as one of the mourners, I went for
my boyfriend's sake, rather than the grandfather's.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the body. In my family we have wakes were the coffin and the body
are in the home for 2 or 3 days before the funeral. People come
and go...but always the coffin sits there...and I am somewhat
phobic about dead bodies...I would deliberately NOT look at the
body because I was afraid that I would see it move.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I don't know.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
are figments of the imagination of the dying brain, and/or the
attendant.... wanting desperately to believe that 'something'
exists after death.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have never been near death.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
There is only one person I have unresolved issues with and that
person is still alive.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I have never experienced this sensation.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want to be cremated, but my family custom is burial. Also if I
am in an accident and on life support, but no brain wave activity
I would want them to 'pull the plug'.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I fear pain more than death. Death itself has no fear for me, but
there is definitely fear about the manner of death. I want to die
quickly, even if it involves a great deal of pain, but only for a
short while. I would fear dying of AIDS, the entire process would be
painful, and terrible. I would fear dying of Alzheimers...gradually
losing awareness, at the early stages knowing something is wrong but
having no control. And I would not want to know that I was about
to die...I imagine being in a plane crash...knowing the plane is
going down and anticipating the pain. I would like death to come
to me unknowingly.... to walk into the street and be hit by a bus
or something...never seeing it...never fearing pain.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Doing things for others....like making sandwiches at the wake... or
babysitting the really young kids.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
An awareness of my own mortality... some of which comes from getting
older, and some which comes from having peers die. The first time
someone younger than me died was a shock to my system, it seemed
so unnatural.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Just having a chance to talk about it, to explore my feelings in
many areas. Thanks.
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Sun Feb 22 23:01:50 1998
F17 in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan =Canada=
Name: Lisa
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
from link in the Darkside of the Lion
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, not sure ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 58.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
For my cat it was quite hard on me...but for my grandfather i did not
cry at all even though i loved him very much...it did not touch me,
i got over it alot more easily. It has never seemed to conciously
affect me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...well for my birthday i got a kitten, i adored
it very much. Then one night my mom let it out and it got hit by
a car...i saw most of what was left of it on the road.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that my grandmother was shoved aside, no one seemed to want to face
her grief, so they stoped visiting as often and maybe saw her as
a constant reminder of death's toll.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It seems to get easier to accept, less threatening.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
hmm...never did get much support from anything...all i had was
myself. maybe that's why i'm so twisted.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The fact that they'll never be there again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
no matter what the inconvinience you should support them because
lack of support is cold and uncaring.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My grandmother was left alone to deal with her grief.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
buying my grandmother flowers and cards.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
my grandfather often helped his church by building houses, he even
helped build a house in Japan free of charge in the name of his
church, yet he died rather young and my grandmother had to witness
his death.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i never was one for religion though i was raised as a Catholic with
a Mennonite father and Catholic mother. It did help me gain high
morals though, that i am thankful of.
--Regarding MONEY:
it's sad how much a funeral a casket can cost.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the fact that i could not cry or feel sad.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
well since i'm slightly psychic, i heard a voice that told me to
go home and go to my cat, but i was too young to understand and
did not take the advice.
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Sat Feb 21 21:45:18 1998
F27 in Raleigh, NC =USA=
Name: Sheila Carty
Email: <VelSheila-at-worldnet.att.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
searched Yahoo for online psychology experiments
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Prof/Studies: bookseller
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 25.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the absence of life functions. No awareness, no consciousness,
no body functions
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was only a child. The full impact did not register with me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was my aunt died from a diabetes-related heart
attack when I was 8
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the feeling when I was told that my best friend died.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to talk about death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
????????
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to people who had also suffered a loss
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
it happened so suddenly that there was nothing I could do. I had
no time to prepare. Also, I was not there and wasn't notified until
after the funeral. Therefore I have no sense of closure.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
??
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
??
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
this did not happen to me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my friend before she died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
share my grief with her widower.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
???
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
???
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a book that was important to her or a kaleidoscope or a Snoopy
or hear a song that we used to sing together
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I probably would have moved to the same state where she lived &
would be working there & babysitting for her children
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she was such a good person & she had only gotten married 3 months
earlier, why did it have to be her?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
vomited.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
this does not apply to me
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
we were atheists
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
???
--Regarding MONEY:
my friend's husband got $100,000 in insurance money for her
death. He said,"Is this all she was worth?Am I supposed to feel
better with money?"
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I missed the funeral
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
feeling like I had to tell everyone who ever met her. I called people
we had gone to high school with, but hadn't seen in 5 years! I
told people who had only met her once. I guess I wanted everyone
to share my pain
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
this does not apply to me
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I had moved away only a week before the accident. She called me,
hoping that we could get together over Christmas, but my job would
not allow me to travel back . She seemed upset because we hadn't
seen each other for about 5 months. She was killed the next day.
I feel like I let her down, and I wish I had told her how much she
meant to me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope to hear that she loved me and that I had been a good
friend. It might make me feel less guility.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
........
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
n/a
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
n/a
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
I was too young to understand
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Didn't really help me, but it didn't make things any worse
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Thu Feb 19 15:19:44 1998
F30 in Memphis, TN =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 10 ago.
Cause of Death: drowning; Aged: 7.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
life functions cease
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I felt peace for her.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a girl i went to church camp with died
of leukemia
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the relief. He was in a veg state for 4 years and that was our
family's period of mourning.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is inevitable. There is something wrong with continuing life
support of the body after the mind function is gone.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
knowing the person is past pain and discomfort
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
allowing myself to let that person go and remember all the good
times I had with that person. The person will always be with me
in my memories
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
watching others suffer so for the loss
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
visit or call as often as you are comfortable with
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found that it is ok to be happy that the dead person is not suffering
now and it is good to talk about your memories of the person
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the pointless suffering
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was the best thing I could do!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
better help others understand my point of view about death, although
everyone feels strongly about their beliefs
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
take things in stride
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I saw the body, I knew the person was gone and I felt better about
the whole thing.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
loud emotional greiving. Yes, there is sorrow. You feel loss,
but death is not reversable and you need to take comfort in the
impact the person made on your view of the world
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
only when I think about any way I might have let that person down
in life.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think that way
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I don't think of death as fair or unfair. If we all lived forever,
or even all to a ripe old age, the crowding and responsiblity of
caring for the infirm would be too much to bear.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
make everyone understand that death is not a bad thing. It is
simply part of life and while we may feel a great deal of pain
at the loss of a loved one, or shocked that it may happen to us,
that is the way it is. You always have that person in your memories.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was glad to have known the person
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude. These people choose one of the most difficult
professions. Most try to do the best job that they can under very
limited options
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
more to others than myself
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the closure. The religious aspect helped most people come to terms
with the death and that is a good thing
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the acceptance I felt. I was sorry for the loss, but what could
I really do? Hold and share the moment I had with the person and
keep the good feelings that person shared with me
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
death comes in all costumes. There is no one thing.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
One friend who awakened from a coma meantioned fuzzy friends who
played with her and also said she had seen hell. She forever after
hated the color fuschia (the color of one of the fuzzies)
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
see above. But keep in mind that she was certifiably unstable
and did not want to take any medication other that self-prescibed
(street).
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
that person is gone, but I can try not to make the same mistakes
in another relationship.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
when you realize that the person is dead or dying, take a moment
by yourself and visualize that person in the best possible light
and send out thoughts of love and gratitude for having them there
for even a short time
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
more calmness
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
belie in a cyclical nature helps
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
other people's beliefs about after death
Shall We Share Your Comments?: Feel free to share
Identify You?: Identify your comments?
Thu Feb 19 15:19:44 1998
F30 []; located in Memphis, TN.
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Thu Feb 19 13:57:53 1998
Anonymous Guest
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2.5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: unknown I believe suicide; Aged: 78an e.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an ending to our physical existance with the strongest of hopes
that there is some other existance much better after.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I didn't know exactly what to do - I was so young.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...great grandmother was brought home to die -
dying from cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my loneliness in my grief and loss and the depth to which it
still goes.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it can strike at any time and any place to any one
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing!
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
Going over it in my mind endlessly.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
grief for loss and feeling of emptiness
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Wed Feb 18 04:50:02 1998
F20 in NEYLAND, S.W.WALES =UK=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
YAHOO.CO.UK.
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Prof/Studies: HND B.I.T (COMPUTERS)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1.5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT; Aged: 20.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE DIED IN A MOTORCYCLE
ACCIDENT, APPROX 18 MONTHS AGO. HE WAS ONLY 20 YEARS OLD. I HAD
TO HEAR IT FROM SOMEONE WHO I DON'T LIKE VERY MUCH, AND I THOUGHT
IT WAS ONE OF HER SICK JOKES. IT TURNED OUT TO BE TRUE.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
MUM DIDN'T WANT ME GOING TO THE FUNERAL - WE CONSTANTLY ARGUED
BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND THIS WAS THE ONLY WAY I WAS GOING
TO FACE UP THE FACT THAT DAVID WAS DEAD.
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Tue Feb 17 23:36:27 1998
M21 in East Windsor, NJ =USA=
Name: Ravpreet Singh Gill
Email: <rsgill-at-bu.edu>
Web: http://acs6.bu.edu:8001/~rsgill
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
A friend suggested I fill this out, so I agreed
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Prof/Studies: Student, EMT-B(NJ), CFR-D(MA)(awaiting EMT test date in MA),
CPR/FA Instructor, F.A.C.T. Instructor, Bio. Major, Chem. Minor, Future Physician
(at this point probably in Emergency Medicine), ARC D.A.T.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: massive MI; Aged: ~65.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The ultimate end. It's when the brain EKG goes flat. On a religious
level it is when either God has decided to end your life, or when
you have completed your purpose in life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was probably 5 years old.
--That first time, how it happened was
I think I was 5, maybe younger. It was the death of my great
grandfather on my mother's side. He said he wanted to go to sleep,
and never woke up.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
initially not understanding what had happened. Then wondering why
did it have to happen now. Then wondering why I wasn't allowed to
see the cremation.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Life goes on. The other person died, not you. You can't do
anything about it. Although it is emphasized as much in our religous
scriptures, some people still can't move on.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I was able to tell my uncle how much I loved him, before
he died. He was in peak form that day, before he died. I think
it is safe to say that he went out happy.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Religion and experience. As far as experience goes, I work as
an EMT. You do your best and move on. Ultimately everything is in
God's hands, and you'll only succeed if he wants you to/lets you.
Our minds cannot comprehend why God does the things he does when
he does them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the frustration that he might not have died had my relatives been
smart and called me earlier. My uncle collapsed just a couple of
minutes after I gave him his dinner to eat. My relatives and family
will ask me for advice on the smallest of health problems/injuries,
but they did not call me when they thought he was choking(he was
actually experiencing agonal respirations). If they had called
me earlier, instead of me having to wait for one of my younger
cousins to get me, my uncle might not have been brain dead.
I might have been able to help him restore him to decent health.
I initated CPR and got a pulse back on him after 2 minutes.
But he wasn't breathing, so I initiated artificial respiration.
About a minute later, I lost that pulse. It was regained by an
EMT-D from the township(I had another cousin call 911). However,
my uncle never regained spontaneous breathing. He was brain dead.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let the person know you love them.
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
felt helpless as the ventilator breathed for him. It is perfectly
alright to feel helpless.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I saw it was my uncle that was on the ground. He had looked and
felt(or he claimed as much) great earlier. It just happened all
of a sudden.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
This happened in India at the end of the November 1984 riots.
I just couldn't believe that I was still alive. I would just say
now that it was an odd reaction to the events around me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend more time with him. Splitting up the day into
work/school/errands/multitudes of other things left little leisure
time for family enjoyment.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
give my uncle a shot at life and say prior to his death that I
loved him immensly.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Can't think of anything that really impresses me. Sorry.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what would happen to a person after death. To me the answer is
in religion.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see his picture from that party night. It was my sister's and
cousin's graduation party. So in the picture from left to right is
me, my uncle, my cousin, my aunt(my uncle's wife), and my sister.
My uncle just looked so full of energy and happiness that day that
it was uplifting.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have even less time now to spend with my uncle, but I could
probably talk to him on the phone more often.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that this happened now. Not fair that everyone has to die.
Not fair that drunk drivers can walk away from an accident scene
after killing one of my close friends. Not fair that a kid has to
die because the arrangment of lights at a intersection at night
can be confusing enough to make you think you have the right of
way when you don't. Not fair that parents sometimes must outlive
their children. Not fair that some people make the death of others
their responsibility(i.e. murderers). Lots of things aren't fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I can pretty much deal with things. A mixture of science and
religion is a good cure for unresolved thoughts related to death,
at least for me. So things don't get really difficult now.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
said a prayer to God saying I was thankful for the time I spent
with my uncle and that I hope his soul was at rest. Then I moved on.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I was impressed.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Not applicable
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Daily prayers, and religious ceremonies on Sundays at a local
building.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Don't understand what you are trying to say. Sorry.
--Regarding MONEY:
It wasn't involved.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was able to say good bye for one last time to my uncle.
His soul was gone, so I say my good bye more in spirit with his
body representing his soul.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Don't know what is weirdest. Sorry.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Signs of shock(sweatiness, altered LOC, etc.), signs of impending
MI(chest pain, difficulty breathing, etc.), the person saying
they are about to die(some can just sense it somehow), and agonal
respirations. That is all that comes to mind at this point.
However, keep in mind that there may be no signs at all.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Not aware of any such phenomena.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
When a cop put a gun to my head during the November 1984 riots,
although I had done nothing wrong, I thought was going to die.
I had read previously in history books who were not afraid to die,
and I didn't believe it was possible. All the others I had seen die
around me seemed to cherish their lives dearly. Why should these
history book people have been any different. However, when my turn
came, I realized that I was not afraid to die. I would gladly give
up my life for my family or religion. Life as we know it is nothing
but a physical existence. My religion's tenth leader, who lost all
of his sons, summed it up best: "In the eyes of God and History, To
die for the truth is to live forever." I totally agree with that.
So I realized that I too could live up to a high standard, and
truly one day become an Amritdhari Sikh(a saint-soldier).
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel all of my issues have been resolved. I can't change the fact
that I wasn't called earlier or that I didn't stay with my uncle
while he ate his dinner(although I had no particular reason to).
I feel that what happened, happened according to God's will.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
It was literally in a dream. I dreamed that I was able to express
my love to him.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I am not sure I understand this fully. I know as an EMT I have to
accept the fact that some people may not want to be resucitated.
It goes against my basic instinct, but I must accept a DNR order.
I think the family probably also has to accept what happened.
If they totally agreed with the DNR order, we probably wouldn't
be called. It is that internal urge that something must be done
that makes them call 911.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
As I said earlier, I am not afraid of death. I believe that God
will take my life when he wants to. He certainly has had many
chances to. If I hear of someone dying, I just say a prayer that
they don't die alone or feeling unloved.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
No event or physical ritual. I just repeat to myself that life and
death are all in God's hands. Eventually my mind accepts the death.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
My uncle's death was the first time I had actually performed CPR.
I had declared people dead, and performed artificial respiration
before, but never CPR. I was afraid of getting a CPR call because
I was worried I would do something stupid despite the fact that
I passed all CPR tests and scenarios given at my Squad. When the
time came I was scared, but eventually developed into a routine.
So now everytime I meet someone who has the same fears, I can tell
them, "Don't be afraid. You'll do fine." I find it particularly
useful when teaching CPR classes.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
I believe that God decides when a person dies or not. If the person
lived a good life, their soul will be at peace with God.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
Don't know which category it would fit into. I was young and hadn't
confronted my belief system on death. I also was frustrated by the
fact that my parents didn't let me go to the cremation. I wanted
to see what happened in the end of it all.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
As I read this I said to myself, "Wow, I've seen a lot of death."
I initially thought I wouldn't have been of much help on such a
survey, but I realize I have been exposed quite a bit. Going through
the survey reminded me of my beliefs.
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Tue Feb 17 21:32:37 1998
F27 in newark, nj =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, yrs12 ago.
Cause of Death: a stabbing; Aged: 16.
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--Death Is:
it is final. You can not return from death.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was shocked and confused
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my friend was murdered by her brother. It
was an accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
That she was so young and that I could be next.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to have a healthy fear of it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That she might be in a better place
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends and family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that i had not told her how much she meant to me
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
grew to understand that life is a gift that should be cherished
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
everyone just went on with their lives
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
stop the whole thing from happening
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get on with my life
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i realized that you may not matter to people as much as you think
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
why it happened
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear a certain song or see a scene in a movie that reminds of
something that i did with my friend
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why her she was a nice girl
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
forget it ever happened
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became distant am=nd removed
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
she was in a better place
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the dreams that i had after the death
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i am happy with my life
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i realize that i am mortal and i only hope not to suffer
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was a good experiance it let me think of my friend in a good way
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Tue Feb 17 18:07:49 1998
F33 in Enid, OK =USA=
Name: Tracy
Email: <mindmares-at-prodigy.net>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Writer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 71.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
slipping away from everything we have and love into something we
know nothing about. Everyone has their own ideas of what happens
after death, but know one knows.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Refused to attend the funeral.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my step fathers grandmother died. I was about
eight and had never been around anyone sick or dying. I refused to
attend the funeral.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The heart break of losing the person I most cared about in my
life. Knowing that I could never speak to her again.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to make children and future generations unafraid of death and
dying. Death is ignored and its something that needs time and
attention. No one takes the time anymore to mourn and remember
those they've lost.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Knowing that my children will have grown up and will remember me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Spending time with my children and trying to instill in them
the feelings of love they missed from the great grandmother they
never knew.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Lack of support from my mother. She wasn't upset enough for the
loss of her mother. She should have been thinking more of her loss,
than what she was getting in the will.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Really be there. Don't think about anything else. Give that person
all your attention and watch their life pass from here to the next.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Still feel she's with me, like a guardian angel.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The medications doctors give to save a person, kills them.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Being so overloaded with emotion can push a person to the breaking
point. Unable to handle the stress, you laugh instead of cry even
though inside you feel your dying too.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend more time with my grandmother before she passed on, been
there for her like she needed.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I thought my grandmother looked dead before she was. All the chemo
and other drugs killed her spirit, her will and her soul long before
her body passed on.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
It's her birthday and the day she died. It was so close to Samhain
that we invite her to visit on the day of the dead.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have moved closer to her so she could share in her great
grandchildrens lives and in mine. I would be there for her like
she needed me to be before.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That someone who lived so well and took care of everyone should be
sick and dying.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Bring her back just to make sure she knows she is and was loved.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They should have left her alone and healthy as long as she could
be instead of forcing her into treatment she knew nothing about.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
She stayed at home until the day she died.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right, like the soul and spirit live forever in one form or another
no matter what the religion.
--Regarding MONEY:
My mother and her sister bickered over the money and still seven
years later fight over who pays the taxes on the house.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Everyone she ever knew showed up, event he owner of the company
she worked for. She had a packed house.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Trying to explain it to my kids and taking them trick or treating
the day after her death. They wouldn't have understood if we had
skipped it, they were to young.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I wasn't there when she died, though I feel she has visited me since.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think she was okay with me, worried about me some, but she needn't
worry. I have no unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would expect her to ask me if I were finally happy and doing what
I wanted. And I would make sure she knew without a doubt that her
life and time with me influenced me greatly.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Sometimes I am very afraid of dying. I'm afraid my kids arent' old
enough to handle my death. I don't want them to feel abandoned. I
would like to know if I were dying so I could plan the rest of
my days accordingly, making sure everyone was taken care of and
knew that there were no hard feelings and no unresolved problems
with me. I would ensure them that I would be back, or be somewhere
watching over them.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I spent time with her in my thought and told her all the things I
didn't get to tell her in person before she died.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have time to think about her almost everyday and in some way
(lighting a candle or just thinking) I acknowledge her in my life.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
A very good experience for me. I think it reaffirmed my feelings
of future lives and the knowledge that my grandmother passed on
knowing she was loved and that I would eventually be happy somewhere
in my life.
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Tue Feb 17 17:09:44 1998
F19 in sydney, new south wales =australia=
Name: jessica
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
yahoo search
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Prof/Studies: student, bachelor of business
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
n/a
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 1.5 years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 18.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a natural end to life. it means that our life has ceased for some
reason. It was our time to move on.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was only young, but it was not a significant event in my life
because of my age & memory.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died when we were away on
holidays & we had to come back early to go to the funeral. I was
only 10, but still i knew what happened. It was expected, so it was
not really a shock. I remebered asking him if he was sick & he siad
yes & started to cry. I don't think that i cried at his funeral.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the effect on my brother & his rugby team. One oftheir players
was killed in the raw meaning of "accident" on christams day,
aged 17. It was so sad because he did not deserve to die so young.
--What I think my (australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
howto cope with it & that destiny has caused such a thing to happen.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how it brings the ppl who you love closer together. You realsie
how important life is & how lucky you areto have what you do.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
n/a
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
having to see my close frined go thru all the agony of one of her
school friend's suicide. It broughht everyone so much closer togethr,
but she was a wreck for months. Most ppl felkt that in a way they
contributed to his mysterious death.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
n/a
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i wanted to know why so many young ppl haveto die, when there are
old vegeatbles who dribble, have had their 90 years in their life &
others only get 17-20
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
n/a
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for others who were going thru a worse time because of
their closer relationship with the person
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think that i have had so many more adevntures since he died. i
wonder why he did see the only option as out.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
n/a
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that it acts out what destiny has planned for us to do in life. god
odes not choose & it is not becasue of the doctors or "luck". Destiny
decides.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my younger sister & i called on (thru the oui-ja board) our next
door neighbour who died at 10 yrs old. he spellt out his name &
then answered that he was glad that he had died.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
respect what they wanted. me myself i never wantto be buried. i
imagine sometimes what it would be like for my body to be eaten by
worms & all that. i think that their wishes must be acrried out to
the fullest of their possibility.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i would make sure taht i prioritised what to me was important in
my life, so that if i did die tahn i would have done some things
that i wish i had done... like letting ppl know that youreally
care. Notthat i don't do iot now but just letting them know that
your life has been better because of the factthat they were in it.
also jump out of a plane!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
a saying: "live life so taht death finds you everyready"
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i think that beacsue i have never really had some one who has
been that close to me die that alot of the questions were hard to
answer. But i did my best all the same.
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Tue Feb 17 14:33:09 1998
F18 in Woodbury, New Jersey =US=
Name: Kelly
Email: <KellWil319-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Yahoo!
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Prof/Studies: Student
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More personal info:
I am in a group grief therapy and I am going to suggest that the whole group
fills this out. It helped me get my thoughts clear on this topic.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Chicken Soup for the Soul, all editions
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
???
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 11 mos. ago.
Cause of Death: murder by a robber in a drug store; Aged: 16.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Taking away the body from the rest of their family and friends
existance. Their souls still carry on and look out for those that
remember them fondly, and we never forget them, it's just that they
aren't around, and that might be what hurts so much! We can't call
them up and say, "Guess what? ..."
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was a little kid, and my great-grandmother died. all I remember is
not crying, so I thought evevrything was going to be okay, then
after the funeral, every one was drinking, and mostly laughing,
and I got really confused.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grraet-Grandmother was dying in the hospital, and my family
wouldn't let me see her, because they wanted me to remember her
when she was healthy.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Feeling like something inside me was killed also. He was only
a kid (16 years old). I grew up with him, and went on vacations
with him. My mom called me to tell me right before I went to work,
and my whole body went numb, and my legs gave out, and I just cried
for over an hour, then went to work to try to think of other things.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It's going to happen to all of us, so don't shelter kids from it. So
when they are older it doesn't hit them so hard it hurts more than
it should! I never really experienced death until last year, then
all of a sudden 7 people I was close to died.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Me and my boyfriend were having hard times, and when people I loved
started dying, he was there for me and supported me, and tried to
cheer me up! And my friends were very supportive, too!
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Getting out of my house. Everyone sitting around crying really made
me more upset than ever. I just needed to get out and feel like a
normal person. So my boyfriend would take me out to where none of
our friends knew, and he made sure I was okay, and I got to feel
like the rest of the people we were with.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
People asking me how they are, because they didn't know the person
was dead. Becasue they get all upset and I recall how I felt when
I found out, and I'd get upset all over again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Make it be a good time, because you will always replay in your
head those last moments, and you want to be able to smile through
the tears!
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Cherish life more than ever. Chris never just sat around, he was
always striving for more, and he was still trying to make more out
of his life and enjoy it up until the moment he was murdered.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When I first learned about it! I mean, why would anyone shoot a
kid! Especially a kid with so much going for him. He was everything
parents wish their kids were and more. And I wanted to know when I
would stop hurting and missing him, but I realized, I'd never stop
missing him, and the hurt only fades, it nevver truly goes away!
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was releiving the tension around me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
See him one more time, it had been a while since I last saw him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Cope with a lot o people dying withput REALLY turning to drugs,
except for Valium to relax me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
a hug from friends.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I don't know.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Someone asks about someone who has died.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I spend more time and let Chris know I loved him like my own brother.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk with Chris, he always knew the right answers, and was always
trying to help me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Just sat on my bed and looked at pictures of us together on vacation
and cried till I fell asleep. When I woke up, I decided that he
wouldn't want me to cry for him forever, and that I had to be strong
for his family.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
no opinion. Everyone I knew was already dead before the EMS arrived.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They really cared about my friend's father as he was dying. They
sent him on a week long family vacation, and a month later he died
peacefully. His daughters and son will always recall that week!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
No much, I relied more on friends and family.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
no different.
--Regarding MONEY:
This may not be the point, but when they shot Chris, they stole
$63.00 from the register and ran. That seems so pathetic. I never
was involved in the finances.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there were like 2500 people at the wake. I was real appreciative
of that. For the support towards the family.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I felt oddly calm at one point, where you could do anything, and
it didn't bother me.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
nothing. All my friends and family were dead unexpectedly.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I never felt this.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
never happened to me.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel that every I loved that died, I was on good terms with till
the end, so I feel reassured that whatever happens now, I don't
have any regrets.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I LOVE YOU! this means the world to evryone that hears it!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Just to tell people what's going on.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'd let everyone I know, know how I feel about them, and let bygone's
be bygone's and forgive and forget, so they won't feel bad about
my dying. I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want everyone to hurt
like I've hurt!
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I burned candles once a week for a month, and let myself be upset,
so I could release my frustrations on why they had to go. I would
talk to them through the candle and say how much I missed them and
loved them. I also picked out a star for each person, and when I
really am missing them, I look up and feel like they know what I
am going through, and they are still there to help me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I tell people how I feel about them. If they are close and I love
them, I tell them! I also try to spend mor etime with everyone,
and I don't get upset about petty things.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I basically put it out of my mind
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
People reminding me everyday
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes it helped alot
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Feb 17 14:20:43 1998
F35 in stillwater, ok =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: nurse
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Nephew, 1.5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: motorcycle accident; Aged: 14.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
body functions cease
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
feel very little
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...nursing student....found pt dead in bed at
nursing home.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
they way he looked laying dead in the er
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not going to a better place.......i hate it when people say that.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i am more understanding at my job now....with the family menbers
of the dead person.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the funeral
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
you forget to be sad sometimes....for a brief moment you actually
forget that the whole thing is happening.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the clothes he was buried in
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i'm luing in bed at night and i am seized with fresh emotions...just
out of the blue.....it's like i forgot he was dead and just suddenly
remembered.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i was angery at him for being careless and putting the family
through this. he died because of being careless.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was thankfull that my children were alive. Little things that used
to bug me just didn't seem do important anymore.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i have no use for religion...never have. I am a non-believer and
all the god talk and "better place" talk made me angry. I have
never believed in a higher power.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
death is final....no spirit
--Regarding MONEY:
the morticians are raking people over the coals and making a killing
of the death of people.(no pun intended)
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
only the truth was spoken...none of that "great and wonderful
person" crap. He was a sweet boy and all words spoken were truthfull
and heartfelt.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I would think he was cold buried in the ground like he was.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
his death was sudden and unexpected. Died suddenly
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no unresolved issues....just an empty space at family gatherings
and holidays.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i spent money that i didn't have because i thought i would die
soon too and not have the things i always wanted. Traveled a lot
because i was afraid I would die and not ever go anywhere. Now i
have too many bills and am very sorry i spent money so foolishly.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
This may sound odd...but i would clean carpets when things got too
stressfull. I would clean them repetedly with my home carpet cleaner.
Over and over....they haven't been cleaner since.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
instructor helped a group of us
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Keeping Busy
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
don't assume so much...I didn't answer some questions because they
assumed i felt a certain way.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Feb 17 12:01:52 1998
F39 in Statesboro, Ga =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 20 ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 77.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a calm release of our worldly cares
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried a lot and couldn't understand why good people die
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a neighbor dies of smoke inhalation in the
yard next to house fight fire--my father and I found him
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the relief of the loved ones that this beloved person was no
longer suffering
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's nothing to fear
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my belief that death is not and end but a transition
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the missing the physical and emotional presence of the person
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Be there is the Quiet times--they may not want to talk -but they
appreciate knowing you care enough to be there
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Just because she died I didn't have to stop sharing things with her.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Sometimes laughter is the thing that saves you from insanity
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
To show my granmother my dipolma
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
accept that I haven't lost my grandmother---I'll see her again
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Yes-there's still times I cry---but it's from lonliness--missing
the companionship of my granmother
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My life would be completely different.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Death is not fair--but neither is it punishment
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
At my Grandmother's coffin--sitting in the funeral home --
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
There was nothing the medical community could do---Death claims us
all when it's our time
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
comfort,consideration,caring,sharing,knowing that we will be
together again
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I think it is a universal knowledge that death is not the end
--Regarding MONEY:
the probation of the will held up the money for the funeral
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there was tension among family members
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
unexpected energy or strength
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Saw a bright light and smile ---right before dying
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I wish I could have say farewell until we meet on the otherside
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would say" Grandmother ,I love you so much. You've been a
inspiration and joy in my life. I will never forget you and
never stop loving you. You are so special. I will see you on the
other side."
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't want flowers----give the money to Alzheimers Research
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I trust that my Lord to take care of me Death is a transition to
life eternal
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
There's no real closure in death ----there's coping You take
it one day at a time ---don't try to say you're fine-accept that
you're hurting-and know the pain will ease
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I pray for the souls of those I know or hear about that dies
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Mon Feb 16 23:37:06 1998
F18 in Sydney, NSW =Australia=
Name: Yada
Email: <yadatree-at-hotmail.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: university student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 18.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when you are no longer physically here in body but to say you don't
exist anymore isn't true because the person is still alive in the
things that he did and the people and memories that he left
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and surprising accepted it well
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was an old man that was my best friend
when I was young. He died when I was about 11. So it was someone
very close to me but he had cancer so I got to get to used to the
idea gradually by visiting him in hospital and seeing him age.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being rather rational and calm about it. I don't know whether
that's because of my personality or that I was too young but I
felt I undestood that he wasn't coming back so it's not to say I
was too young to understand the concept of death
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Feb 16 20:09:01 1998
M37 in charleston, il =usa=
Name: ronald johnson
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: owner /construction
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 24 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: construction accident; Aged: 24yrs.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A sudden abrubt end with some hope of continuation through spiritual
experiance. i shouldnt say sudden ,though ,it is expected at times
gradual.(this forwarning eases the pain of lost.)A Biological
experation.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
numbly proceded through the motions with out emotion. i did what
was expected.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was my grandma. i was 6. i remember
my mother holding my younger bro. up to observe the body.it was
peaceful not neccessarily sad. it was in the basement of the church
that my grandpa was deacon/janitor (her husband) he lived 6 more
years. church that my grandfather was deacon/janitor (her husband)
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the selfishness i felt towards the loss.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how can you critisize a culture which evolved itself into its current
understanding of death. you must be refering to indivisual needs.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I had a client who had a dog of which was way too old. diabetic,
blind and insistantly angry. Well, he is no longer with us.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the self satisfying state of being away from the overwhelming
disstraught state of those who miss.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the saddness around me. the realism of those who miss. their
apparent saddness. I felt sorry for them. I felt their saddness.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Be strong for those who cared ,tend to their needs. that would be
the greatest gift for those who die.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
the embarassment of losing my composour in front of the
congregation. (i am refering to my paternal grandmother not my
first aquaintaince with death)
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
for the deceased, what now where to . A bridge well all cross.
the foilage is way to thick to gaze what lurks.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I have often laughed at the perdicaments others had experianced in
their forthcomings but after the news of my grandmothers death I
insisted the band play one more song.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to ride with my grandmother on that ambulance ride
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
known her this question does not apply to any of my experiances
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the songs which they play at the funeral. usually religious but
hardly never relative to the deceased life. Young friends who have
lost their lives always get the old rugged cross gig... no stairway
to heaven, or... hell.... fairies wear boots.for that matter, it
should be a recollection of their lives with us.their favorite song
for passing. we should know these things.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the formality of it all.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
im over it, emblazened with acceptance
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would love for my children to meet my grandparents and my wives
for that matter. I have told them about them. their escapades.
their love for me and definatly them if they had the oppritunity.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Thank god... i had not yet (knock on the biggest goddamn tree you
can find) lost a daughter , that pain i could feel as being one in
which i could not bear. their innosence. this i feel occasinally on
the evening news. the pictureless faces of the young bloungeoned,
stabbed, shot or what ever. what the hell were these people
thinking? how could someone commit these crimes?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
you make it seem so hopeless. I often reminence.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
this question reminded me of the death of my grandma (paternal). she
had been sick for seemingly a life time. I was away to college. I
supported myself through college as a musician and the occaional bout
with my fathers company. I was home this particular weekend. she
requested my accompanimant on a expected ambulance ride to the
hospital on friday. my father had reverted a room in the house
to accomadate her. compleate with O2 machines ect. through out the
night you heard the familiar katooch sheee katoooch sheee katooooch
shee. to make a life time short she died on that friday while i was
at band practice with a dead end band, . In the middle of a song My
sister hollared down the stairs, I saw no face, "grandma had died"
that night in bed that familiar katoooch sheee no longer exsisted.
that was the longest most silent night i ever tried to sleep.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
well i must admit that i had questioned what truly had happened the
night my grandmother went in. she was seemingly in good spirits
5hrs later kaputs. dont understand it. maybe they should have
left well enough alone.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
if at all possible find in home care be with them during the last
it would be much more comforting for them as well as you. I DID
AS MUCH AS I COULD. youll not need to answer that question.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the comfort of somthing more. somthing better.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
this speculation has no bearing just hope. it could be a
meandering of souls. it could be judgement. it could be the slow
disentagration of flesh resuming the cycle of life, eeeeech.
--Regarding MONEY:
my grandmother was dirt poor, though rich in the things most feel
to ignore. my greatgrandmother had more kitty in the keel than
had expected. my aunt and father never fought for the things in
which she possesed maybe they were self sufficiant themselves.
Its tastless to argue over money during times of greif. thats a
place i would not like to go.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the shell i usually create for my self. I call it the fish bowl
theory. I gaze in to watch the fish interact. I am oblivious to
their interactings unless they need me as support.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the unexsistantce of the decesed. you no longer feel their energy.
its kind of a stale plane. an unreactive embodiment of life,
of history. all memory no future.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
their lost of the now. which happens in extreame cases. as with
my grandmother. its not alzheimers its a here today gone tomarrow
experiance. well good luck. you have to wing it there is no
science here
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
wow . shortly after my grand mothers death my father and i were
down stairs we heared the old roker ,(the one my gandmother loved
so well) rock. to the point we went upstairs thinking it was
sombody logically not her but well to our dismay not a soul. no
wind no wondering pet. no one.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nope, thank god i mean i would cherish the experiance but nada
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
maybe more historical family background to answer questions
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
getting it off my shoulders helped
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
nieveity
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
pain
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i felt i was helping you not me i feel secure
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Feb 15 13:27:41 1998
F35 in Brewer, Maine =USA=
Name: Dawn Watson
Email: <spunky-at-revnetx.net>
Web: http://WWW.angelfire.com/biz/DLCOMPANYGRAPHICS/dedicatedtojesus.html
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Rehab Tech
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Final Gifts
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Maggie Callahan and Patricia Kelley
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 11 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Heart attack; Aged: 59.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
one life ending here on earth and another beginning in heaven with
the lord!
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a preteen when the most important person in my life died. This
man was my grandfather. He was is still is a very important person
to me. We were inseperable when I was a child. We went fishing,
boating, on trips, etc. There are several other grandchildren but
it seemed to be me that was the favorite as where ever grampie was
there I was. I miss him terribly at times and think of him often.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...A family friend was murdered by a man she had
befriended and when she realized that he was dangerous and decided
she would perfer him not be in her life any longer, he shot her as
she tried to escape. She was carring her 18 mo. old daughter whom
was also injured but not seriously.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
total sense of loss. My dad was important to alot of his family
and I am not sure that he really even knew this.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It doesn't have to be so painful.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I realized how important my family is to me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking about the loss with others it affected as deeply.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
longing for them to still be here with me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
the family as a unit are experiencing the same things as you are and
coming together at this time not only helps the rest of the family
it also is reassuring to the dying person to know you are there,
even if it's just to hold a hand or kiss a cheek.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye before the death. My father died in his truck out of
town while waiting to unload the load he was hauling to a papermill.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I fineally was able to meet, get to know and grow very close to my
older sister.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
all of my fathers children placed photographs in his suit pocket
as we said our final goodbyes.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
a situation arises where normally I would have perefered to talk
this over with the person whom dies or when something important
happens in my life where I really wish the person was apart of it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
there was so much unfinished unsaid and so much more to be done.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and felt the biggest empty spot in my stomach, also I was
afraid I couldn't explain it no matter how much I tried.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
reassurance
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
changes in diet, appetite, breathing, skin color
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have 4 children and a beautiful granddaughter for whom I would
need to know that they would be okay and taken care of.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have gone to the cemetary and visited graves belonging to those
important to me. I know they are not there but I also know they
hear me and I feel very comfortable speaking with them there.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Due to the circumstances surrounding the death of my dad it was not
something we knew would happen when it did or expect it to happen
so there were alot of questions I could not honestly answer.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Feb 15 12:50:51 1998
M19 in New York, NY =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 8yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Heart attack; Aged: 76.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know how to cope.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandmother died. She had practically
raised me and it was sad.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how empty I felt
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
drugs and alcohol
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that the woman who was raising me had died and that I was practically
on my own.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dealt with it
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when I was high and drunk
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was trying to escape reality.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her how I loved her
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
enjoy the time I had with her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the priest closed his bible at the funeral. It was like they were
closing her book to.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the burial.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see her picture.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't wan't to think that way, It will do nothing to help me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I had lost my mother and now my grandmother.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
escape to a nother dimension where none of this ever happened.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sort of died myself.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disappointment
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Priest to talk to.
--Regarding MONEY:
It wasn't all that important.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
That so many people shared my pain; that I wasn't alone.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The burial. I wasn't even sad.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
None.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I always had a good relationship with her, so there are few
regrets. I just wish had more time. Talking with family helps me
with that.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope that when I die I don't cause anybody to feel as bad as
I have.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have not yet found closure.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
No
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs
I also drank a lot
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Illicit Drugs
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I do not think that you should assume that people have found
closure. Some of us will never be able to colse that part of our
lives. Some of us don't want to.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Feb 14 20:06:57 1998
F28 in Richmond, VA =USA=
Name: Michele
Email: <gpetunia-at-hotmail.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: I am a DJ with a BS in Public Relations
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, several yrs ago.
Cause of Death: aids; Aged: 29.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when we can no longer spend physical time with a person we have
known. their body stops functioning as the host for their spirit
and it is the body which us humans do our communicating through.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
pannicked
--That first time, how it happened was
classmate committed suiside
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that the last time i spoke to him on the phone, i know it was most
likely to be the last time so i tried to intimate goodbye and that
i love him
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to embrace it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my grandfather told me about his death dreams the weeks before he
died. he indicated that he was visited by "angels" who told him
that it was "time" i asked him if it seemed scary and he said no,
"peaceful"
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
time
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
if i didn't get to say an adequate goodbye.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
ask them questions about how it feels. people who know they're
dying don't seem to be allowed to discuss it openly.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
let him discuss his death dreams. my grandma was there too and she
didn't want to face his nearing death, but he wanted so much to
get across that he had a good life and not to be scared. i am glad
i could let him vent. my grandmother tried to stop our discussion
a couple of times but i kept him talking.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
people buy flowers for the deceased. it seems so wasteful of money.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
we laughed at my great grandmother's funeral service because
the priest was indian (india) and his english was thickly
accented. grandma was a bit concerned with people of different
backgrounds from hers and we joked she was "rolling over" right
about then... it provided a lot of relief.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there at the moment of death. i think that would be an honor.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
i am thankful when i feel like i got to say an appropriate goodbye,
thanks for times spent and things learned from the person. memories
shared.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
you want to think the person is somehow still around in spirit. at my
great grandmother's service the windows were open -it was spring, and
a bird flew in and EVERYBODY was whispering to each other about it.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the pomp and circomstance of those religious cerimonies have always
confounded my personal sensabilities.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
surprise reminders... opening a cookbook my aunt inscribed to me,
or seeing her note on the bulletin board at the beach house about
"keep sand off the rugs"... whispers from beyond the grave.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
things would get real damn crowded!
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that some people can't move on -that some stong people hold up
those around them for so long and then can't function. i wish the
deceased could have better prepared them for their leaving.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
i don't feel that way... but i haven't lost a parent or a sibling
yet.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
thought about times i spent with the person, and things the'd said
to me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
we all do the best we can.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
i heard the hospice people are fantastic. i have heard they are a
tremendous help.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a bunch of rules and uptightness.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
much more enlightened a concept than the concept of one faith as
the right way.
--Regarding MONEY:
it is tragically expensive. the cost adds stress on an already
tough situation. why does a box in the ground cost so damn much!
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
people helping each other.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the services- it can seem a little weird... all those layers of
people getting together... strangers and family and all the people
there only being linked by the dead person...
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
labored breathing.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my grandfather had dreams that he had already died and that a couple
of angels were there to guide him... he said it was peaceful.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
there are many many stories. i will give you the most interesting. My
friend's son was rushed to the hospital due to post tonsil-surgery
complications...he was bleading from the throat and almost
died. Later he was coming around and said his grandpa had told him
to go back... they had chatted "near the light" and stuff... well
that was weird cuz the grandpa was still alive, but then my friend
found out that his dad (the grandpa) had been rushed to the same
hospital and had died there while the son was being attended to
in the ER. i mean WOW. isn't that amazing? i have heard other such
stories, but that was the most amazing.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i just try to communicate thoughts to them. i don't know fer sure
if they get thru, sometimes it feels silly but i do it anyway.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would ask them to pass on any wisdom or help... have they laerned
something that can help me in this life, and i would send them love.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i want people to not buy any dumb flowers. i am allergic anyway. i
wish i could mandate that in lieu of flowers, people give thought
to volunteering to a charity. or spending time with someone who
needs help... do something nice to remember a nice person.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i feel like i am ready in a lot of ways. this life is fun and
interesting, but i have a "que sera sera" attitude, or sort of a
fate has something to do with it outlook.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
candle gazing.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
can't think of anything now.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
parents sheltered me from it/ it wasn't discussed.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was interesting.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
This one: ((Perhaps you've found, as you got back to your own
life and continued on about your own path, that you have been
changed significantly, but that you've continued to include some
of these practices, habits, rituals, or observations in your
ongoing daily life. Any you'd care to talk about? )) i didn't
really understand... and also: ((Perhaps if you have witnessed
the family and social interactions at the time of, and following,
a friend or loved one's death, you have seen the necessity of giving
thought to the "Rights & Wishes of the Dying", and how they might
sometimes be very different from what others present may desire or
believe. What kinds of things does this bring up for you, or what
kinds of things might you want people thinking about when you die,
regarding necessities of Rights and Wishes of a dying party? What
important factors or issues does this remind you should always be
carefully taken care of?)) that one was so wordy and confusing i
was not quite sure what you were asking.
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Sat Feb 14 18:39:47 1998
F51 in Kenosha, Wisconsin =USA=
Name: Pat
Email: <destiny-at-wi.net.com>
Web: http://WWWdestiny-at-wi.net.com
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Registered Nurse
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More personal info:
Would welcome input from other who have experienced a recent death of
a parent. Maybe mutual sharing can help us through our grief. You may
post my e-mail address.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Dying: A Book of Comfort
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: emphysema/heart disease; Aged: 68.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the loss of everything we have achieved since birth. the loss of
everything we could have achieved in the future. the end of a dream.
the physical departure from all our worldly relationships and our
home environment. a trip to an unknown state of being or not being.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Felt very sad for my mother because of the pain it caused her to
lose her mother. I felt my own pain at the loss of my grandmother
who had been very good to me.
--That first time, how it happened was
Grandmother died from cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Watching my mother take her final breaths of life. Feeling the
coldness of her hands as I held them. Hoping desperately that she
had heard the words I spoke to her as she lay dying and that she
knew I was with her to the very end .
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to avoid discussion of it with the dying person and with
those close to them. To be honest in our feelings and not to
withhold acknowledgement of the impending death from the dying or
the soon-to-be-bereaved. To try to face death head-on and to make
the transition as easy as possible for all who will be impacted by
it, especially the dying person.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That my Mom seemed to die peacefully and I like to think that my
being with her helped her not to be afraid and may have contributed
to her peace. While that was the hardest night of my life,there
is no place on earth that I would rather have been than right by
her side. I will always be grateful that I had that opportunity
and that I did not have to learn of her death over the telephone
from some dis-interested hospital personnel. My mom died in her
own bed in her own home just the way she wanted to.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My mom's belief that she was going to a better place. A place devoid
of pain and suffering where there is eternal peace. That she would
be reunited with loved ones who had gone before. My brother died
23 years ago and I get comfort from the belief that he and Mom are
together again.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The helplessness. The inability to stop the process, not that
I think I would have wanted to, but it was completely out of my
control. I was a helpless witness . As a nurse and a take-charge
individual, this helplessness is not a feeling I'm comfortable with.
I like to fix things and make them better. I could not fix my Mom
or make her better.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To give them permission to leave. To let them know that you will
be alright and that you will look after the others they are leaving.
To let them know how much they are loved . To ask their forgiveness
for any hurt you may have caused them and to offer forgiveness for
any hurt they may have caused you. To thank them for all they have
done for you. To let them know that you are there and you will be
right by their side and they should not be afraid and that they
should "go toward the light". I sang hymns to my Mom and read
to her some prayers and from the Bible. I told her that I would
hold her hand until my brother took it on the other side and then
I would let her go.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Feel a sense of peace in being a part of my Mother last moments on
this earth. She was by my side when I came into the world and I
was by her side when she left this world. That's the way it should
be and I'm so grateful that time and circumstances allowed me to
be there for her.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I wasn't sure how long the process would actually take and I was
afraid that I would fall asleep and wake up to find her gone.
I struggled to stay awake for two nights and if fact I did doze
off for maybe an hour and then awakened abruptly and realized that
she had only minutes left. I went to get my sister in another room
and brought her to Mom's side and in 2 or 3 minutes she was gone.
That I awakened in time, I will always believe was her gift to me
for staying by her side. I think she knew I would have been so
hurt if she has died while I was sleeping.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughter is a great tension reliever. My Mom always loved a good
laugh. I told my out of town relatives when they arrived that
I had probably hastened Mom's death by singing to her. I have a
terrible singing voice and it was worsened by hoarseness from my sore
throat and bronchitis. I tried to sing Amazing Grace to my Mom.
That is a difficult song for even the most well trained vocalist.
I told my relatives that when my Mom heard me trying to sing it,
she decided she had suffered enough and was not going to suffer
through any more of my singing and she left us.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
To spend more time with my Mother in the last month of her life.
I had the flu and bronchitis for most of the month of January and
I avoided going to see my parents because I did not want to make
either of them ill. I wish I had been more responsive when Mom
spoke of being afraid. I wish I had encouraged her to talk about her
fears rather than just telling her not to be afraid. I kept trying
to cheer her up and to get her to look at things more positively.
I think that was a mistake in retrospect. I should have let her
verbalize her feelings and just listened.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there at the moment of her death and to have had the chance to
tell her how much I loved her and to say good-bye.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I saw a beautiful bluejay on a cold Midwestern February morning
that day my Mom died. I don't ever remember seeing a bluejay in
February in Wisconsin. That bird was like a beacon of hope and
light to me and I think it was a message from my Mom to enjoy the
beauty that life has to offer while I still can.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Buying new clothes for Mom and all of us to wear to her funeral.
We wore what we had. Mom always accepted us just as we were and we
figured others could, too. The out of town ralatives did not know
they were coming to a funeral and they did not have appropriate
clothes with them. We all agreed that it was not a problem since
they are not well-off financially and we did not care what others
thought of our appearance. It was neat and clean but not fancy
or stylish. We were at Mom's funeral to honor and respect her,
not to impress others with our clothing.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I get a flashback of the life ebbing out of the body of my dear
mother. When I hear a song she liked or think of this upcoming
Mother's Day and how painful it will be not to have a mother to
celebrate with. When I see a sunset I feel very sad. The more
beautiful it is, the sadder I feel. When I think that she will
never hold me in her arms again, nor will I hold her in mine,
it really hurts.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be more unselfish with my time and more willing to share
my days with my Mom. I would listen more and talk less. I would
have been more supportive to her.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
She was only 68 years old. That's not old by today's standards.
She loved life, loved to dance and have a good time. Cigarettes
killed her and they are probably killing me. My Mom was such a
good person. Always looked for the good in others and generous
to a fault. I wish she had had a chance to live her golden years
wtithout pain and suffering from her illnesses. I wish she could
have just faded away in her late nineties from pure joy.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Know for absolute certainty that she heard the words I spoke to her
as she lay dying. I wish I was positive that she died knowing how
much I loved her and how sorry I was for anything I had ever done
to hurt her. I wish I could know for sure that she forgave me for
any hurt and knew that I forgave her. I wish I knew for sure that
she knew that I was proud of her and that I appreciated every effort
and sacrifice she had ever made for me. I need to know that she knew
that of all the mothers in the world that I was glad she was mine and
I wouldn't have wished for any other mother on this earth. It would
help me to know that she knew all that as she left me that night.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Read books which portrayed death in such a way as to not be an
ending, but a beginning. I am trying to face my own mortality and
to accept that death is nothing to be dreaded or feared. A week
after my Mother's funeral, I learned that I have four spots on the
right upper lobe of my lungs. The final diagnosis is not in yet,
but I am scared as to what it will be. I am 51 years old and I
have so much that I still want to do with my life. I am not ready to
face a life-threatening illness and I pray that I will not have to.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Anger and mistrust for a doctor that allowed my Mother to get
addicted to sedatives and pain killers long before the necessity for
them was evident. I am angry at a hospice company that starting
writing her obituary the day they stepped onto her premises. That
failed to keep my Mother's will to live alive and underestimated how
strong that will was. By a hospice chaplain that told her that she
had only 4 to 6 weeks to live when her own doctor would not answer
that question. The day she was told that she just literally gave
up and she was dead a week later.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Intense anger that my mother was not cared for properly. They
allowed her to go for days without a much needed bath until I went
there and bathed her myself. The hospice nurse sat and drank coffee
with my Dad instead of bathing or tending to my mother. They started
planning her funeral the minute they set foot in the door 4 months
ago and when they finally convinced her that she was dying, she did..
The day before my Mother died my youngest sister called hospice in
a panic at 4 a.m. because Mom's temperature was almost l04 degrees
and she would not wake up and she had lost control of her bladder.
They would not come out or call the on-call nurse. They told my
sister to give her a Tylenol suppository. They did not show up
until 8 and 1/2 hours later, but by that time I was there and found
her soaked in urine, unresponsive, 2 open sores on her bottom and
my sister in a state of panic. I terminated their services that
day and told them that they were the biggest Medicare rip-off going
and that I would have Medicare audit this claim. Their chaplain
who had spent the last 4 months writing my Mother's eulogy was
not welcome at her funeral. My family took care of each other and
Mom without hospice's help at a time when we needed help the most.
I will never forgive this hospice for not coming when my sister so
desperately needed them.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A building to go to so that others can see you there. Our belief in
God does not necessitate making a public display of it. We worship
privately and feel that God hears our prayers wherever they are said.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting and helps me not to feel so alone in my grief.
--Regarding MONEY:
The decision of my parents to be cremated and to be interred
together in a single grave next to my brother was a significant
savings of money. To wear the clothing we had to Mom's funeral
instead of buying new, more traditional black garments was a means
of not spending money that Mom would not have wanted us to spend.
My Dad's selection of the least expensive double urn for their joint
cremains was based on the fact that it would not be seen my anyone
anyway so why spend a fortune on it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The embraces and kind words of dear friends and family was
comforting to a family in pain. The number of people whom we
had not seen in decades who came to pay their respects to my Mom
was more than we had imagined. The funeral home and directors we
chose were extremely accommodating, efficient, and professional
which really was important to us at this painful, difficult time.
We had initially decided on a closed casket because Mom had lost so
much weight in the last months of her life and we felt we did not
want people saying how bad she looked. The funeral home personnel
did such a nice job on her hair and makeup that we felt Mom would
have been pleased and we decided to keep the casket open for the
entire visitation and funeral service. It was especially helpful
to my Dad that Mom looked so nice.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The strength that I found within myself to handle it all and take
care of my Dad and sisters. I don't know where that strength
came from. I just knew that I needed it and I asked God and Mom
to give me the strength to do what I needed to do and it was there.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
A cooling of the body extremities and a change in color (mottling -
a blotchey discoloration starting with the feet and lower legs)
A blank stare or involuntary opening of the eyes. Changes in
respirations, sometimes with periods of apnea (cessation of
respiration), following by an increase in rate of respiration.
Sometimes there is a rattling or gurgling type of respiration.
A lowering of the blood pressure Loss of control of bladder and
bowels Wide fluctuations in body temperature. Often a very high
temperature..
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I am not aware of any such visitation for myself or my Mother.
I do know that her death was peaceful and I do not doubt that such a
visitiation may have happened for her. I can only hope that she was
welcomed aboard her new realm. I told her that God and my brother
were coming for her and that I would wait right with her until they
got there. I can only hope that that is the way it happened.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
No personal or acquaintence experience with this phenomenom.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I wasn't as patient with my Mom in the last month's of her life as
I could have been. I deeply regret that now and I can't explain why
that happened, except that maybe I was dealing with my own failing
health and I was tired and cranky. I was short with her at times
and I wished she would ask how I was feeling and it hurt and upset
me that she seemed to be so self-involved and unconcerned about me.
I guess I still needed my Mother to "mother" me and she was unable
or unwilling to do so. I think now that all of the drugs she was
taking had altered her personality and she was unable to be sensitive
to others. That was not her normal self. I wish I had been more
insightful at the time and not expected her to be concerned with me.
I asked her on her death bed to forgive me for my impatience and
irritability. I hope she was able to. I feel that I lost my Mom
a long time ago to the ravages of disease and drugs. I think I
was mad at her for leaving me. In the script I had written she
was not supposed to die - not yet anyway. She skipped the scenes
where we make our peace and come to understand each other. I am
comforted somewhat by the fact that for the last 50 years - save
the last 6 months- I was very concerned with my Mother's comfort
and happiness and tried my best to please her and make her happy.
The last 6 months I was not that good at it, but I hope I get credit
for the years that went before.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to hear my Mom say to me that I was a good and caring
daughter and that she knows that I never stopped loving her, even
when I was upset with her. I would like to hear her say that she
forgives me for the times when I was irritable with her and that she
knows I would never intentionally hurt her. I need her to say that
she knows I tried my best to make her proud of me and to enhance her
life in any way that I could. I would like her to say that she's
glad I was at her side when Death came and that my being there caused
her not to be afraid and to meet Death with peace and acceptance.
I would like to say just once more, "I love you so much, Mom"
and hear her respond with, "I love you so much, too, Pat."
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
First of all, giving the dying person the freedom to express their
wishes and to talk about them openly. So often we try toshut them
up because it is not an easy topic to discuss. We try to fool
them and ourselves into believing that all will be well and there
is no reason to talk about these matters. That is a big mistake.
The dying person needs to talk about them and to know that someone
takes these wishes seriously and will do everything in their power to
see that these wishes are carried out. If at all possible, the dying
person should be allowed to remain in the comfort and familiarity
of their own home and not in the sterile, cold environment of a
hospital room with a curtain pulled around them so they will not
upset anyone by their dying. A family member should be with the
dying person at all times, taking turns if necessary. Not a hospice
employee!- Someone who loves the dying person and is loved by them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Learning that I have spots on my lung has definitely got me to
thinking about my own mortality. I plan to live each day with
a renewed interest in life and those I care about in this life.
None of us knows from one minute to the next how long we have to
live. We cannot take even one day for granted. We must cherish
each moment and not sweat over insignificant facets of our day to
day existence. We have to learn what is true and real and not get
mired in the mundane.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I talk to my Mom all the time, especially when driving in the car.
I ask her to give me a sign that she knew how much I loved her
and that I was with her right to the end. I believe that she has
given me a sign in the form of a song that I heard on the radio.
A very old song that my mother liked very much. I was in a beauty
salon the day after my Mom died and I was waiting for a haircut.
The radio was on but I couldn't tell you what was playing until
this song came on and commanded my entire focus and attention.
I do not know what song played after it was finished. I received
a statement from a magazine I had subscribed to and in it were a
package of flower seeds - Forget-Me-Nots.
I chose to interpret that as another sign from my Mother. We need
these beliefs and rituals to help us cope. Some people would say
it is silly, but whatever gets you through the night is alright.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I wear a ring that was my Mother's. It probably isn't worth
$10 but it is worth a million to me. Every so often I kiss it.
When the funeral home calls me that my mother's ashes are ready,.
I will go pick them up and bring them home with me and I will protect
them until such time as my Dad is ready to join her. At that time
they will be interred next to my brother in a cemetary. I feel
good about being the guardian of her ashes. It is my last act of
protection that I am able to offer my Mother.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was extremely helpful to me to put some of my feelings and
thoughts into print. It was somewhat of a catharsis for me and I
have spent some amount of time here working on this. I feel better.
I wrote some things that I haven't shared with anyone else. Thank
you for this website and the opportunity to express myself here.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Some questions were slightly difficult to interpret and I'm not sure
I answered what you were asking, but all in all, it was well done.
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Sat Feb 14 16:14:33 1998
M40 in Poplar Bluff, MO =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: VA employee
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More personal info:
None.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: poor medical care; Aged: 56.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end to what we know to be our life. For most of us life starts
when we are born and take our first breath of air, it is over when
we take our last breath of air. We do not know for sure where life
comes from or where it goes when it is over. We only know what
happens during our life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Well the First time ... How it happened was... I was just 4 years old
when I was living in the same house with my Great Grandmother. She
was about 100 years old and sick in bed. One day she died and
everyone in the house was upset. They called the Funeral home
to come pick up the body. I don't remember much about it but as
they took her body away I noticed her false teeth were still in
a glass on a table next to her bed. I told my parents that she,
my Great Grandma Hatten, had left without her teeth. I never saw
her again. I think that I was told that she went to be with Jesus
but I didn't know what that means.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I was just 4 years old when I was living in
the same house with my Great Grandmother. She was about 100 years
old and sick in bed. One day she died and everyone in the house was
upset. They called the Funeral home to come pick up the body. I don't
remember much about it but as they took her body away I noticed her
false teeth were still in a glass on a table next to her bed. I told
my parents that she, my Great Grandma Hatten, had left without her
teeth. I never saw her again. I think that I was told that she went
to be with Jesus but I didn't know what that means.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The futility of life as we know it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death comes to all of us. It is a necessary end to our life as we
know it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
People die and that is a fact, I will die, you will die, there is
nothing to be grateful about. To whome are we to be grateful to
about that ?
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
From Two movies, the Franco Zeffirelli film "Hamlet" staring Mel
Gibson and Glenn Close and the Tom Stoppard film "Rosencrantz &
Gildenstern are dead" staring Richard Dreyfuss, Tim Roth and
Gary Oldman.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Survivors guilt.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
It is better to die with someone then to die alone.
--[My relative's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Do not pretend to know what happens, if anything, after death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Why people look to religion for answers.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
No, it never occured to me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Nothing.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Nothing.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The coffin was covered with earth.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The role that religion plays.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
No, it never occured to me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If, is a big word. However If it hadn't happened than life in our
family would be better today because she was like the glue that held
our family together. Since her death we have not been as close of
a family.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
No, it never occured to me. Life is not fair, why should death be
any different ?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Have somehow stopped her from dying.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Felt that I would also be dying someday.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
If we had more money we could have gotten better medical care for
her. She died as a result of poor medical care.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Nothing.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A complete waste of time and energy.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
That there could be something after death but nobody has any real
clues as to what it might be.
--Regarding MONEY:
If we had more money we could have gotten better medical care for
her. She died as a result of poor medical care.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Nothing.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The religious stuff that goes on at funerals.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
When the doctor tells the family to pray to God.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Never happened.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I had a near-death experience when I was 22 years old. At the
time that it happened it was allot like what most other people
have reported. While I was in the emergency room operating table
I visualized that I left my body and went up into space toward a
bright light. I continued to go toward the "light of God" until my
brothers voice called me back to earth. It was a real cool experience
but later I came to the realization that it was just an illusion
caused by the drugs that I had been given by the doctors. I do not
believe in any kind of God.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
None.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Nothing.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
As for myself, I don't want a religious funeral service.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Since my near-death experience when I was 22, I do not fear
death. Sometimes I look forward to it. It will be my chance to
see for myself what happens. I think that religion is for the
birds and not at all important. When I'm dead, burn my body and
discard the ashes. I will accept whatever happens to my soul,
without any religion.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Each year my wife and I would remember her on the 24th of June,
the day she died.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
None.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
At the time it happened I didn't understand what was going on.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
I was told that dying was just going to see Jesus.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was a reflective experience.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Yes I think that you could re-word this one: Even though Death may
seem as though it has no gifts, one thing I recall which happened and
for which I shall always be grateful is It could be re-worded
to say : Even though Death may seem to be only negative, one
thing I recall which happened to be helpful to me and for which I
shall always be grateful is
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Fri Feb 13 22:15:33 1998
F51 in enid, ok =USA=
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Prof/Studies: tarot card reader
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
wheel of life
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
liz kubler-ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 10 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 75.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
rotting
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...the sister of a little friend of mine was
burned to death when playing with matches Her mother was my
babysetter
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
to look at it more openly explore the possibility of no after life
or some post death experience other than christian
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the dignity of my mothers last year and her courage is giving me
courage facing my own cancer
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
incredible outporing from friends and my husband and sister
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my father moving a gold digging slut in with him just three weeks
after my mothers death
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To touch the person
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have learned to appreciate the person she was and see her in a way
i was not able to while she was healthy
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
embrodery the tablecloth mom wanted me to make for her and i never
got it done
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
one night mom and dad asked my sister and I over soon after we
learned of mom's approaching death. we looked at old photos and
they gave us the letters they had exchanged while dad was in ww 11
It was a pleasant evening more than that unforgittable
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
In the last 20 minutes of mom's life she said do you remember when
we used to eat at the Three Towers Resturant? what would you eat
if we could go there now? Then she told me what she would have.
She was not a food centered person but the resturant was a place
of as much talk as food. I keep thinking she has made heavenly
reservations for our big extended family when the time comes it
makes me cry to write this
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they were wonderful I have joined reach for recovery
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not very damn much
--Regarding MONEY:
dad is squandering all of the money that mom did so much with out
on a gold digger. wouldn't mind if he spent it on himself but on
that woman it makes me sick
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
it appeared as though allready dead family members were meeting
her at a resturant
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i would like to tell mom i now know how right she was about dad and
although he had the charming personality she was the one who truly
held us togaather as a family she alwasy said that but until she
was no longer there to hide what dad was really like i didn't truly
belioev her
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want to find out if she approves of the way i'm dealing
with dad and the bitch he married i hope she wouldn't feel as
though i let her down by some how not stopping this weddung just
a few month after her death
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
mom's death of breast cancer was in april my diagnosis of breast
cancer was in august it was between stage 3 and 4 i think about
my own death a lot and if the surgery, chemo and radiation don't get
it i hope i can be as brave as she was and have the dignity she did
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i write mom letters put them in envilopes with her name and a stamp
then i burn the letters and send the ashes to the wind
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
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Thu Feb 12 03:21:59 1998
F18 in Manchester, =Great Britain=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Yahoo search engine on questionaires
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: hit and run; Aged: 30+.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our physical bodies die. The meaning that has to each of us
is different. Some people beleave in an after life or resurection,
others believe that we just cease to be.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not understand why I could not dry openly. I felt terribly guilty
that I could not and other mempries of pets dying flooded back. I
only cried at primary school, where I broke down and could not stop.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my maternal grandfather died, myself and
my sister were told late at night. He had been ill for some time but
my mother was very angry at the doctors cncerning their care of him.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
she was a teacher and all the others walked around school like
zombies. Our tutor had to tell us and she struggled so much to just
get the words out. The whole school felt like a death shroud.
--What I think my (Great Britain) culture needs to better learn about death is:
?????? I don't understand it myself.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Being alone and thinking about what was happening. The fear of
my own death forced me to carry on and live my own life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The realisation that I was not as close or a kind to them as I could
have been. Death, even the thought of it tends to shake me up a lot.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want my wishes to be taken seriously. I want to donate organs if
I can. I want "who wants to live forever" by Queen on in the church.
I wan tpeople to be upset by my loss but to be able to carry on.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Crying and wallowing on my own to really think over what happened. I
force myself to face it . It does not leave me for a long time after,
it comes back and can always make me cry.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
I was too young to understand and it was not fully explained.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I was not intending to do this, only my curiosity got the better of
me. It has brought up a lot of things I have not thought about for
a little while now. Maybe I wish I hadn't done it....i'm not sure.
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Wed Feb 11 18:51:34 1998
F18 in Dover, DE =USA=
Name: Cheryl
Email: <cmfischer-at-rmwc.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I'm trying to find research on child intelligence for a Psych paper due tomorrow.
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Prof/Studies: Student, Randolph-Macon Woman's College, Psychology major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, two months ago.
Cause of Death: influzema, heart failure, iver and kidney failure...; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Both sad and relief, something we fear and something we look
forward to. It is differentthings to different people. All we
know for sure is that once death comes, life as we know it changes,
does not exist.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was too young for it to have any impact. It took until It was my
grandmother for me to understand/be upset. When it was my friends,
I was shocked, outraged, and felt so helpless that I didn't know
what to do at first. .
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a friend of the family's died when I was
around five. I don't remember much, but according to my mom I made
him smile right before he died. I went to the funeral but only
remember flashes. My great-grand mother died when I was around six.
I don't remember much of that funeral either. My grandmother died
whan I was eight. I remember that very well. It still makes me sad
to think what it would be like if I could have known her better.
Since then, I have had three good friends, an acquiantance, my
great uncle and great aunt (both of whom we were very close to)
and my grandfather have died. One friend when I was tan or eleven,
te rest in the past four years.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Sadness but a sense of relief. It was time, he had been here for
71 tears, his wife died almost a year ago, he was sick and tired
and in a great deal of pain.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The hole it left in my heart. I felt empty.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she was so damned young. She was 17, she was a beautiful person,
she made the classroom more fun when she was there. She had no
enemies, was a good student, a had a bright future. She didn't
deserve to die like that.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went to a quiet room by myself and sobbed until I could't anymore.
Then, I picked myself up and went on with my life. I simply used
the memories in my head to fill the hole in my heart. I make
sure I don't take more time than I need (usually around an hour
and a half or so) so that way I can remember the good and not be
depressed or unhappy. I will miss them, but I can't do anything
about bringing them back.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Not really what you're looking for, but the day my grandmother died
she visited me in a dream. She told me everything was okay and I
shouldn't be sad. I think this is why I handle death so well.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want my organs to be donated so that I can help others in some way.
This is extremely important to me, and I think the rights and wishes
of the dying are of the utmost importance.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have always felt that I would die young, somewhere in my 20s
or 30s. It may be a residual effect from the depression I suffered
in high school, but I don't think so. I am not afraid to die.
I don't want pain, but I am not afraid. I'm a little sad because
I don't know if anyone will remember me. I'd like to think so,
but I just don't know. I haven't really lived long enough to have
made a great impact on the world.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
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Wed Feb 11 18:03:15 1998
F18 in Cincinnati, Ohio =USA=
Name: Kimberly
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Prof/Studies: Web and graphic design
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a heart attack... he had cancer, but the tumor had shrunk; Aged: 74 (?).
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--Death Is:
evil... awful, sadly a fact of life, difficult to cope with
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... it was my grandmother who died from old age
and health problems. I was 5 years old, and had no idea what was
going on. I bearly even remember anything.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
heartache, tears
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
well, i am frightened by death (others and my own) so... death itself
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
go back in time and visit my grandfather before his death. I hadn't
seen him in 4 months when he died. I do regret it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
memories flood in without warning, i feel aa unexplained presence
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
When my mom actually died (cardic arrest), she saw her family that
had died many years ago. She was brought back to life, but she now
believes that there is a heaven and everyone you lost will be there
when you die.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
As I said before, I didn't see him for 4 months before he died. I
wish I had a way of knowing that he understood why. I couldn't cope
with the fact that he was struck with cancer so quickly. I felt
that if I didn't see him sick, then he wasn't really sick. I was
14 and in denial. I have no idea how I could resolve it. The only
way I would get over it is to hear him say it, which isn't possible.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to hear him call me his "only granddaughter" one more
time, and to hear him say he understands why I didn't visit. I
would be able to close the... not sure of a word for it... hole in
my heart.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have thought so much about my death. I'm 18 years old, but I am
afraid any day could be my last. I do kow, when I die, I want it to
be quick. Well, the problem with that is then I can't say goodbye
to my loved ones so... A lot of inerconflict.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
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Wed Feb 11 17:16:17 1998
F46 in Collingswood, NJ =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
link to Yahoo surveys from survey of surveys
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 81.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the cessation of the temporary and local reversal in the flow of
entropy that constitutes life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
could not believe that they were really gone.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my aunt drove her car off the road.
Her husband had recently left her for another, younger woman after
about a 20-year marriage. They say it wasn't suicide, since there
was an indication that she had braked.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how he died--that he was alone, the thing that he most feared.
He died alone on the street in the cold, away from his family
and friends. That was the way of it each time some one close to
me died--they died in the way they most dreaded.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is a natural, inevitable thing. People often speak of
the death of another as if it were unexpected, a shock--as if they
really thought that the other would have lived forever if it were
not for that accident, that disease, that attack.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that after my mother died, I finally straightened out my life.
I never looked to another person again to help me--I knew that there
was no one that I could go to. If I didn't take care of myself and
my daughter, no one else would. Not that I consciously expected
anyone to step in and take over before--but afterwards I was aware
the responsibility was only mine.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
time.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Be there. See them every day. Let them know that you care about
them. Say whatever it is that you need to say and they need to
hear before it's too late.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I went to the hospital to pick up my mother's things after her death.
The nurse on her floor said to me "If there's anything I can do.."
It was the first of many times that I heard this phrase. I just
stood there, absolutely dumbfounded, unable to respond. How could
anyone possibly do anything? She was dead. Nothing could change
that. Not ever.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell my mother that I was glad she had been my mother, that I thought
she had been the best possible mother. She was surprised to hear it!
I wish that I had told her that years before--I guess I just assumed
she already knew it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
something good happens in my life that I would have liked my mother
to know about. She died worrying about me, not knowing whether I
would be straighten out my life and be okay. She would have loved
knowing about some of the things I've done since.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Night after night after my mother died, I dreamed that she was still
alive. The dreams always started in the hospital--but in the dreams,
she was not dying of cancer--she was threatened by something else,
something that I could do something about. Sometimes the hospital
was on fire--I picked my mother up in my arms and rescued her from
the flames. Sometimes foreign soldiers with guns burst into her
room--I fought them hand to hand, wrestled the guns away from them,
and shot them. Sometimes aliens invaded the hospital--I hid her
until it was safe for us to go home. Over and over I saved my
mother, and over and over I woke up sobbing because it was only
a dream.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she's such a wonderful person, so much more deserving of life
than I am. Why can't I trade with her? Her life is so much more
valuable than my own. My mother had always taught me that I could
do anything that I wanted if I just tried hard enough. I always
believed that until my mother was dying. There was absolutely
nothing I could do even though I wanted to more than I had ever
wanted anything in my life before.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die so that I could stop feeling this pain.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
screamed "What?"
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
anger. The doctors lied to us.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. I was not raised in any religion. It would be nice to
believe that personality does not end with death, but it seems like
wishful thinking to me.
--Regarding MONEY:
after my father died, my stepbrother seemed determined to get
the rest of us to squabble over his and my mother's remaining
possessions. I couldn't understand why. It seemed so unimportant.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I felt a moment of pure panic when the hearse was opened and they
started to slide out my mother's coffin. For the first time,
I realized my mother was closed up in the dark in that small box.
My sister, standing next to me, must have seen something in my face.
She leaned closer and said in a low voice, "She's not IN there."
It was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. I was able to
continue.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
nothing of this sort happened that I was aware of.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
A few years ago, I experienced some physical symptoms that made
me believe that I was dying. (A series of medical tests finally
proved me wrong, but at the time I was absolutely sure that I had
cancer like my mother and would soon die.) Feeling that I only had a
short while to live, I thought about what I should do with that time.
I had always been unsatisfied with my life. I wanted to travel to
foreign places, I wanted to have nice things. But when I really
thought about what I wanted to do with what I thought was the short
time I had left before I died, I realized that what I wanted most
was exactly what I already had. I wanted to be with my daughter
and my husband. I wanted to enjoy the beauty in the world that
was all around me. The two years after that realization were the
happiest years of my life. I finally knew what I really needed
in life. This happy time ended when my husband had an affair.
But the memory of those two years gives me hope that some day I
will have joy in my life again.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
When the pain of my father's death became unbearable, I would play
video games for hours at a time. The fast-paced action forced total
concentration on the game, shutting out the unbearable thoughts
and memories temporarily.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
It didn't seem real or connected with me.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Remembering the deaths of those close to me was saddening and
somewhat disturbing. It was good to talk about these issues
though--it's not something that people generally discuss.
Death makes people very uncomfortable.
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Wed Feb 11 14:56:27 1998
F33 in Albany, New York =USA=
Name: KIM
Email: <kim-at-lastvestige.com>
Web: http://WWW.lastvestige.com
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: musician/store manager
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 3 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: overdose; Aged: 25.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
it is when you physical body ceases to function...as far as the
soul & energy I'm not sure what I think about that.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried alot
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother had bee ill for many many
years wiht alzheimers and it was actually sort of a relief...
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
unexpected death. deep pain and sadness... missing the person so
very much. we had more to do, that was left unfinished
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
we need to learn how to find a way to celebrate one passing on into
what I hope is a better existance beyond this one rather than mourn
for our own loss.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
learning who your "friends" really are, and how much people really
care. learning to cherish what you have while you have it, 'cause
you never know when it may just suddenly be gone.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking about my feelings to people, and letting it all out.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that he died right in front of me, and missing him so much
every minute of every day. the guilt I've felt for not being able
to do anything about it, & my grief for his parents
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be as happy as you can muster up. people who are dying don't want
you to be sad about it.
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
tried to express the good things he had said or felt about other
people to them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
at this time all the time
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i haven't really felt like laughing at all, and even now when
something does strike me as funny, I can't really laugh the way i
used to.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
save his life...
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with him while I was. & get rid of any bad fellings about many
things before it happened.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the way people seem to be really happy right before they know that
they are going to die
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
how important each person seems to think they are to the dead person,
& how they almost seem to argue about thier importance
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
evertime something make me happy, in alternatley make me sad,
because I am not able to share it with the one I love
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i don't think i really could of done anything different in another
time
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
to his parents, they do not ususally expect children to pass away
before them.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stop living myself, but i do not belive in suicide.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
feel like my life is very surreal right now. days go by at a strange
pace. I still just wish it was all back to the way it was before,
although I know it can't be. I makes life seem shorter, when I look
at the calander the days seem like nothing...months years all look
like the run together, & I feel as though I am a different person.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they really didn't do anything helpful although they did try. I
saw through all the bullshit that they tried to feed me.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a funeral...a little inspiration, but they can't tell me what really
happens, & I guess I won't really know til it happens to me.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I belive that all religions have similar ideas about death so,
there must be something to it, but some religions look at it as a
celebration of your passing on & others look at it as a grief for
the living.
--Regarding MONEY:
money matters never entered into my problems
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
they are good for people to have that way to say goodbye, and it
is good for the people to be there for eachother.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
living each day...I still talk to my love, & hope that he hears me,
but I am having a hard time letting go, & I feel if I keep wishing
him to be back it will keep him from being well on the other side
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
you can't really see them except for in hind site. people who are
going to die KNOW it before hand, it seems to be predetined, yet
if you know too far ahead, it ruins your life.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he was extremely happy the day before, happier than I had seen him
in a long time.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i feel that we totally understood eachother as much as possible,
and don't really have any unresolved issues, & for this I am very
grateful
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I just want to know that he is alright, and perhaps somehow better
off in his new realm
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
let the person live and die as they want.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't think I will live to be very old, but I really don't KNOW
that. I don't think it is good to know when you are going to die
beacuse you will either waste your life living in fear or trying
to escape death, or you will die sooner because of the strain of
knowing. short notice is better for all I belive.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talking to him when i am alone
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
my dear love & I played music in our band together, & I still
want to continue playing, but I find it very difficult to do so
without feeling very sad, so my music is more morbid, a depressed
than before.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it's interestng
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Feb 11 11:43:51 1998
Anonymous Guest 20 in attleboro, ma =usa=
F20 in attleboro, ma =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: psychology/criminal justice student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 42.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the loss of another individual of whom you knew
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was disturbed
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...some one i went to middle school with committed
suicide.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
wailing
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a profound learning process
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to take the pain away from other individual s who
were hurting too
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Tue Feb 10 15:39:28 1998
M34 in FORT SMITH, AR =USA=
Name: DAVID GRIFFIN
Email: <Teslas0ne-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: STEEL FABRICATION
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More personal info:
none
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 5 years ago.
Cause of Death: AIDS; Aged: 34 YEARS OLD.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
AN UNFORTUNATE HAPPENING THAT OCCURS IN EVERY PERSON THAT IS BORN,
IT IS SOMETHING THAT NO ONE CAN ESCAPE. IT PERTAINS TO YOUR HEART
NOT BEATING ANY MORE AND THEREFORE THERE IS NO MORE LIFE IN THE
HUMAN BEING.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
WAS IN A STATE OF SHOCK AND DENIAL, AND REFUSE TO LET IT SOAK IN,
UNTIL YEARS AFTER IT HAPPENED
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My first encounter of death was when my oldest
brother died, he was only 34 years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
REALIZING THAT I WOULD NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN IN THE FLESH.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
THAT IT IS REAL, AND IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU TOO, PEOPLE TEND TO PUT
WILLS OFF BECAUSE THEY ARE IN DENIAL.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
ATLEAST I WAS ABLED TO BE BORN AND HAVE SOME HAPPINESS AND ENJOY
LIFE WHILE IT WAS THERE
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
JUST KNOWING THAT THE PERSON WHO DIED WAS NOT IN NO MORE PAIN.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
KNOWING THAT I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO SPEAK TO, OR SEE THAT PERSON
EVER AGAIN
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
LET THEM KNOW THAT THEY ARE GOING TO A BETTER PLACE AND THAT
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
SUPPORTED HIM AND HELPED HIM TO THE VERY END
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
WHEN HE ACTUALLY DIED, I KEPT TELLING MYSELF THAT HE WOULD PULL
OUT OF IT, THAT A CURE WOULD BE FOUND
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I NEVER HAD THE URGE TO LAUGH AND DO NOT HAVE A RESPONSE TO THIS
QUESTION.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
BE PHYSICALLY NEAR MY BROTHER. I TALKED ALOT TO HIM ON THE PHONE
BUT WAS NOT ABLE TO ACTUALLY GO TO HIM AT THE END.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
HAVE THE MANY GOOD TIMES WITH MY BROTHER THAT I CAN NOW REMEMBER
AND BE HAPPY THAT WE DID HAVE THE YEARS TOGETHER THAT WE DID.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
MY BROTHER TOLD ME THAT HE WAS READY TO GO, HE WAS PREPARED TO DIE.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
THE DISEASE THAT KILLED HIM. IT WAS A VERY TABOO THING AT THE TIME
HE DIED.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
A CERTAIN SONG COMES ON THE RADIO, A CERTAIN TIME OF THE SEASON
THAT HE ENJOYED, A SPORT OR THE PLACES THAT WE LIVED TOGETHER
ARE RE-VISITED.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I WOULD TRY TO LIVE CLOSER TO HIM SO THAT WE COULD VISIT MORE OFTEN
AND SO THAT WE COULD LET OUR FAMILIES KNOW ONE ANOTHER.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
WHY DID HE HAVE TO GO AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE. WHY COULDN'T SOMETHING
BE DONE TO CURE HIM.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL HIM.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
FINALLY LET MYSELF CRY AND GRIEVE ABOUT IT.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
DESPAIR, ANGER..... MEDICAL COMMUNITY COULD DO NOTHING.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I WASN'T IN THE SAME STATE AS HE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW WELL HE
WAS TREATED.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
HE HAD MANY PEOPLE CONTINUALLY READING THE BIBLE TO HIM.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
TRUE,
--Regarding MONEY:
SOME OF THE RELATIVES ARGUED ABOUT IT.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
HE HAD MANY PEOPLE WHO LOVED HIM AND WERE SAD AT HIS PASSING.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I SOMETIMES FEEL THAT SINCE HE WAS CREMATED AND I DIDN'T ACTUALLY
VIEW HIS BODY AFTER HIS DEATH, THAT IT WAS POSSIBLE HE WAS STILL
ALIVE.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
WEIGHT LOSS, HAIR LOSS, AGING, MALNUTRITION NO STRENGH OR HOPE
TO CONTINUE LIFE
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
NOT LONG AFTER MY BROTHER DIED, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT MY WIFE
WAS UP WITH OUR 6 MONTH OLD DAUGHTER LOOKED DIRECTLY UP ABOVE THE
CEILING, AS I LAY IN BED, AND SMILED SWEETLY AND SAID DADDY AND
REACHED OUT HER ARMS. MY BROTHER AND I LOOKED VERY MUCH ALIKE AND
I FEEL THAT HE WAS THERE AT THAT MOMENT WATCHING OVER US.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
NOT TO MY KNOWLEDGE HAS THIS HAPPENED.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
NOTHING WAS LEFT AMISS BETWEEN MY BROTHER AND MYSELF. I JUST FEEL
A TERRIBLE EMPTINESS WHERE HE USED TO BE.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
THAT THEY ARE IN A BETTER PLACE, WITHOUT PAIN. I WISH THAT
I COULD HAVE BEEN CLOSE ENOUGH TO HIM IN THE END TO HELP HIM,
TO MAKE HIM WANT TO FIGHT LONGER.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I KNOW THAT MY BROTHERS WISHES NOT TO BE CREMATED WERE NOT CARRIED
OUT BY HIS WIFE AND I WOULD WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT MY WISH OF BEING
BURIED, NOT CREMATED WERE CARRIED OUT.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I WOULD WANT TO GET MY AFFAIRS IN ORDER, SUCH AS WITH MY CHILDREN
AND THEIR NEEDS. I WOULD WANT TO SAVOR EVERY MINUTE WITH MY FAMILY
AND GET THE VERY MOST OUT OF WHAT TIME WAS LEFT
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
TALKING ABOUT IT WITH PEOPLE THAT HAVE HAD A VERY CLOSE RELATIVE
DIE THAT UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL,
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I PRAY MORE AND TRY TO ATTEND CHURCH MORE OFTEN TO GET ANSWERS THAT
I NEED.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
IT JUST HELPED ME TO REMEMBER HOW HARD IT WAS TO COPE AT FIRST
AFTER THE DEATH, BUT NOW, EVEN THOUGH PAIN IS STILL THERE, IT IS
NOT AS GREAT
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING
Enhancements: YOU DID FINE.
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Tue Feb 10 09:00:33 1998
F18 in Felton, MN =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student at North Dakota State University
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 17.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
leaving this world and continuing a glorious eternal life in the
kingdom of Heaven with our Creator.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know how to react.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandpa had been in a nursing home for
awhile and one night my parents received a call that he had died
in his sleep.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the shock. It was so unexpected. The pain was so unreal. All I
did was cry and wish that I could turn back time.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that even though your loved one may be gone for the time being,
you will see him/her again in Heaven.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my faith in God, my mom, and my friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
thinking of all the things that I had never said and of all the
things he will never do or see. And wishing I could have helped
in some way to change his mind and maybe hed still be alive today.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him that I loved him and that he was a wonderful person.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
his funeral when the song "I'll Be Missing You" came on and everyone
let out a sigh and cried. Then at the cemetary when he best friend
put a cigar on his casket and bawled.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would spend more time with him and tell him everyday that he is
important and that I love him.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he never got to go to the prom, or graduate, or get married.....
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back in time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything to me. I would not have made it through his death if
I didn't have as strong as faith as I do. The Lord can and will
help you through ANYTHING and EVERYTHING!!!
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that I couldn't believe that there were so many people there who
loved and missed him.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell him that I love him and always will.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I knew I was dying today, I would be scared, but I think I would
be able to handle it. I would spend as much time as possible with
everyone I love and would get as much done as possible.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Mon Feb 9 23:38:10 1998
F42 in Bornholm, Vestermarie, =Denmark=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
typing Bardo and finding you
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Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Shirley MacLaine in the beginning, now I am also a Rosicrucian Member
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end, taking leave with our dear ones but also - a belief for
most people that there is something beyond, a spiritual world
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was puzzled by other people's reactions, I was not afraid myself
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died and I went to her funeral
My
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my husband crying over the death of his father, I was glad he
loved him that much
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it's a natural part of life - but I think people are beginning
to be aware of that. And that the church should learn to adapt to
modern culture!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Last summer, I was close to death in a traffic accident - I was
shocked to see how much I was in control of everything in my
family. Now we have all learnt to split up chores between us,
and we have come closer to each other, emotionally. I was not
ready to leave my sons yet - or my husband!
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
The divine spirit all through nature, a feeling of some soul present
at all times
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Books & Films
my life philosophy (reincarnation) and good friends
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
I have never felt that uncomfortable
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Mon Feb 9 19:01:49 1998
F72 in Manning, Alberta =Canada=
Email: <imonts-at-telusplanet.net>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Retired
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 60 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Playing with matches and burned to death. ; Aged: 5 yrs..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Most times, a tragedy beyond bearing no matter what the age of
the deceased. Christians, those who believe in and love God are
comforted by Him. For non-believers, the death is, as I said before,
scarcely bearable.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was numb. I couldn't think or feel anything.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was visiting my grandmother when a friend
of hers died. We went to the funeral and grandma made me go past
the coffin with her after the funeral. I looked at the dead person.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to accept with all our heart and mind that death comes to everyone.
Don't just let the words 'we all must die' trip off of our tongues.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it is so often the end of terrible suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Feeling numb until I could deal with the loss myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing I would lnever see or talk to that person again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Hold the dying persons hand.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my husband just stopped breathing. I was in complete denial.
I was positive that he would start to breathe again any minute.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell him him that I loved him very very much.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am taking care of our three dogs which he loved so very much.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We would still be living on our farm and loving every minute of
every day.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I have never had that thought, at least where my husband is
concerned. He was in a great deal of pain and he was 89 years old.
It wasn't as tho' he was a young man with his whole life before him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
thankfulness that we lived in a very small town where we were both
known and were treated like friends, not patient and his wife.
--Regarding MONEY:
No problem
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was very comforting.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Utter denial that he was going to die. The thought of death never
even entered my head even tho' he was unconscious for 2 days before
he died.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell him how much he meant to me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My children know what I want and they will carry out my wishes
without question.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Sometimes it scares the daylights out of me and other times I am
not afraid.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I continue to care for our dogs with the same care and love as did my
husband. They meant a great deal to him and, of course they do to me
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I did not 're-think' anything.
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Mon Feb 9 15:53:55 1998
F23 in Berkeley, CA =USA=
Email: <meercat-at-uclink4.berkeley.edu>
Web: http://home.earthlink.net/~lark0/index.html
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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More personal info:
I am majoring in psychology at UC Berkeley.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 35.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The anihilation of every thing you are, the end of existence,
the destruction of all you've ever known yourself to be.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt disturbed. I couldn't grasp the concept of someone I knew to
be warm, conscious, and animate suddenly gone. I wondered what it
would be like if I became eternally unconscious.
--That first time, how it happened was
My aunt of 35 yo committed suicide.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I screamed when I heard my mother say, "Your aunt Linda is dead."
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is more permanent than anyone ever takes the time and pain
to imagine.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My aunt's pain was over.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I had no support at the time. That same week, my boyfriend moved
away, I lost my job, and I became homeless.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughter does not only express another way of feeling about death,
it expresses another real side of death. When the reality of
death subsides, I feel strangely carefree, as if knowing how
ultimately and completely vulnerable I am is really the only form
of invulnerability.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt a very bitter pain. I felt deep regret for not having had
more contact with my aunt. I felt like I had watched a movie of
her life and I felt sad for her.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The media and the mental health system is cruel and messed up.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I couldn't go.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Imagining my aunt's body all cold and blue.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I lit a candle and watched the flame. The flame is a new flame
every moment, not the same, changing constantly, being born and
dying over and over again. I watched it and felt detached from
life and death, because from far away, they are unimportant.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I understood her. I was suicidal, too, so I understood why she
did it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
The thought of someone I knew being dead was very disturbing to me.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Feb 9 14:39:48 1998
F21 in Norman, Oklahoma =USA=
Name: Tanya
Email: <TOOL4-at-rocketmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Was looking for site on death...
would like to talk to someone about all of it.
Haven't yet been able to talk to a profensional about it.
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Prof/Studies: Zoology major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Myself; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is something mysterious and yet inebitable. It is a time of
passing to the next stage of our existance. We leave our known
existence and go on to another leaving our bodies behind and all
that were accosiated with it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
The first time I experianced someone dieing I was in the 7th grade.
My down stairs naighbor, which was also my friend commeted suicide
by walking in front of a really busy st. She did this because she
was gang raped by her boyfriend and friends at the age of 13.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was involved in an accedent. I had a fall
and almost died. I saw my body laying on the ground and it really
scared me. I thought I had died. While I was looking at myself
I heard someone say, "Get her out of here; push her back into the
crowd." After that I came back; but I had wished that I had died.
It made me feel like I wasn't cared about. So I spent then next
ten months trying to die.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The most reasent death is not like others; for someone didn't
die in the way people would think. I almost died in Feb. of 97
and it twisted my way of thinking about everything in my life.
The most vivid part was how everyone in my life left me because
they said that I had changed. No one wanted to give me time to
heal or to understand.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I feel that my culture understand all the aspect of death.
I think that is why I am able to have healed from my "death."
(native american)
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I don't know if this is a good thing or not but I learned not to
trust people. I am more causious about everone and everything
around me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I didn't have any support from anyone.! I had to deal with it
myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The lonelyness
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If it never happened then my life now would really be different.
I wouldn't have driven so many people away. My fiance would still
be here and I wouldn't be alone, like I am today.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sometimes I wish I could of died when I was supposed to.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Bad. I didn't feel like they informed me of everyhthing. If I had
known about some of the things I know now maybe there would of been
more support by loved ones.
--Regarding MONEY:
I am being sued for alot of money.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Wanting death more than anything.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I belive that you're not suppose to go where your not invited, so I
could never finish what I started.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
I felt like no one really cared if I was around anymore. No one
was there to help me.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Feb 9 13:19:38 1998
F23 in Morristown, NJ =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
can't remember
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: not sure; Aged: ~75.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the point at which a person's life cycle ends, and they must leave
to make room for new lives.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't have much of a reaction, because I didn't know the deceased
(great grandfather) but I knew what death was and believed the dead
go to heaven, so the only thing that upset me was seeing my father
upset about it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandfather died of old age. My
parents had prepared me for death years before. I had an aunt with
a terminal disease--everyone expected her to die much sooner. I
remember my mother reading me a book about death when I was about
four or five to prepare me for her death, but she actually died
many years later, after my great grandfather.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not really accepting that my grandfather was dead until I saw his
body at the wake, and experiencing difficulty breathing/shock at
finally accepting his death, followed by guilt at not having had
a closer relationship with him.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to acknowledge we all have to die, and the attempts of science
and technology to defeat death may have consequences we haven't
counted on.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
after my great grandmother died, I prayed to God to let me wake up
smiling so I would know she was in heaven. I did, and I don't know
if it was all in my head or really the hand of God, but it was a
wonderful, comforting experience.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
coming to terms with it on my own, "talking" to the deceased in the
form of prayer, and spending time in a cemetery at college where no
one I knew was buried, yet I felt at peace with death and closer
to my deceased loved ones.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
after my grandfather died, not knowing how to react. First,
shock. Then, a feeling that because we'd never been very close,
I didn't mourn him deeply enough. Guilt over not being able to
remember the last time I saw him. Regret over never charing our
feelings with each other while he was alive.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
believe our connections with others do not always need to be
articulated--that even though we never told each other, sometimes
love is an unspoken understanding. That the dead love and forgive
and hold no grudges nor bear no ill will toward the living.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I thought I had accepted my grandfather's death, but upon viewing
his body realized I hadn't really believed he was dead until that
moment, and hadn't even begun to deal with my grief.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my grandfather I loved him. We never said that. However,even
knowing what I do now I probably wouldn't say it to him. As I said
before, it was understood, and in our relationship that is enough.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and was sad, but also let go of any need to explain or
control death.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
indifference. My granfather had several serious illnesses which the
hospital temporarily cured, but they postponed the inevitable only
so long.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a minister giving the eulogy, which I remember as beautiful and
soothing--more humanistic than religious, actually.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right. We all die, and there is a sense of shared destiny in death,
which many people feel is horrible but I find kind of soothing,
in an odd way.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the closeness of my family, even though in reality we were not a
very close unit. The overly decorative atmosphere of the funeral
parlor & the makeup on my grandfather struck me as grotesque.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the moment of just walking into the funeral parlor, and suddenly
feeling paralyzed and unbale to breathe.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
As i said earlier, my grandfather and I weren't close and that
bothers me to an extent, but I came to acceptance on my own, and
don't feel anyone else could've brought me to that point.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
wills, obviously, and organ donation, which is important to
me. Actually, I have a fear of being mistakenly buried alive,
so I'd prefer to donate my organs not just to help others, but to
eliminate the possibility (however remote) of live burial.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Honestly, I am ambivalent about my own death (I do suffer from
depression, so I'm sure that doesn't help.) Even when I wasn't
depressed, I never associated my own death with that of others,
or had any particularly strong fear of death. I'm not as religious
as I used to be, but I still trust that no harm will come to me in
death. I want to die eventually, because there are other lives that
need space in this world, and trying to live forever robs them of it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
Forgetting applies only to my great grandfather, because I didn't
know him.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Interesting. I don't know how useful it is, but it did reinforce
my feeling of peace and ease with death and dying.
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Mon Feb 9 12:48:39 1998
F40 in Monroe, LA =US=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
surfing for polls
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Prof/Studies: secretary
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, yrs30 ago.
Cause of Death: ; Aged: 75.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of being as we know it
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
became physially ill
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the cold stillness
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
children have a greater time facing it than adults
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
once it was over i was muck calmer
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
people insisting i go over to the casket
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt empty and scared
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
I can not deal with death.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
I have no one who seems to understand it makes me ill.
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Sun Feb 8 15:59:54 1998
F15 in Waupaca, Wisconsin =U.S.A=
Name: Nancy Peterson
Email: <golfer.girl-at-mailexcite.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 67.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
It is a sad thing, but you have people to help you through it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know how to respond correctly. I wasn't sure quite what the
right thing to do was. I was always trying to be the perfect child
and I didn't know what my parents wanted me to do when I found out.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... it was my grandpa who died of cancer when
I was in fifth grade.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everyone crying. This wasn't that long ago. Only like a couple
years, 2 infact. I had a real hard time. It was my favorite
grandma, and I loved her very much.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the memories I will always have of the people that have been close
to me which have died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the first time that someone close to me died, I sort of just kept
to myself. That doesn't help. So later when my grandmother died, I
had my friends support and my family's, but most of all I had my dog.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
just seeing them looking so helpless. I thought what could I have
done to help them out. I was so hurt that they had to die.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just listen to them, they say the most touching and most helpful
useful things when they are dieing. They give you so much advice
on every possible thing you could possibly think of.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
loved her. She was the coolest grandmother I have ever had, and
I will always miss her and love her.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first got notified that she had died. I didn't know what I
should do. How I could help or anything. I was really confused.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it helped. I don't know. I just felt better to laugh and smile.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her more often how much I loved her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help all my family get through the death just like they helped me.
We made each other smile.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see pictures of us together, all the memories start coming back.
And it's hard to hold back tears.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why did she have to die then? Why did she have to die at all?
She loved every thing, and everyone, why did she have to go away?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just forget about everything, and worry about nothing
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
just burst out crying. It's hard, knowing that they can't be with
you anymore.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I didn't really go to the hospital very often, but when I did,
I don't know, it was weird.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a lot. My grandmother was very strong in her religion, and when
she died, she helped me and my sister become even stronger in ours
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people showed up and cared about her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped a lot, I hope that some of the things I might have gone
through will help other people get through what I have been through.
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Sun Feb 8 02:15:36 1998
F51 in Berryville, Arkansas =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 74.
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--Death Is:
the body itself, the soul goes to a different sphere
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
went into shock, it was my first husband, he was killed in a car
accident, we were both kids trying to live in a grown up world,
it didn't work. I had one baby, one on the way, he abused us and
when all was done, another girl was in the car with him
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grand mother passed away
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I would be relieved for a few minutes and happy, the next moment
I would be crying
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I told my Dad to go to my Mother and that's when he left us, she
had died many years before him. I'm also grateful that I was able to
holdmy Dad's hand as he was passing away, I was there for him for his
entire illness and he had a rotten wife that just didn't care what
happened to him and had said very many rotten things to him while
he was so ill. I hope I brought some joy for him in his last day's
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My Dad's home nurses, my sister, my brother and my children and of
course, my husband.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Remembering how I would tell my Dad how much I loved him and with
his beautiful blue eyes looking at me, he'd say, well, I love you
too, honey
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them know how much you love them and that you will always be
there for them when they need it the most
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
that it all takes time to heal, my Dad has been gone for a little
over four years and as I am filling this out, I have tears in my
eyes, so I just say---give yourself plenty of time to heal yourself
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When it happened. I was just standing there at dad's bedside,
holding his hand and had just told him to go to my Mother and he
did it then, but I wasn't sure if it had happened. All he needed
was to hear it from me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to make him more proud of me, to let him know that I loved and
cared for him so much and that in truth, he was the very best!
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
take care of both of my parents when they needed me. As a child I
always promised myself that I would do something so special for my
parents, I was putting a dollar amount on it, but when the time
came, that special thing that I was able to do for each of them
was to take care of them and be there, so my childhood promise did
become a reality.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I told my dad to just go to my Mother and he did
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I'd go fishing with him.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my dad had such a rotten wife when he was such a wonderful
person. She was so bad to him right to the end, including throwing
his pills at him and even jealousy that he was getting so much
attention from his children.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just cry and cry and cry, it just seemed so unfair that his life
had to end so terrible.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wanted to scream and runaway, and needed to tell him so much more
thn whet I did. He was always there for me, I'm the one that had
to tell them to let him "go"
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
excellence. His home nurses was the best, the hospital was fantastic.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
short. My stepmother didn't want hopice to be involed until the last
few days of his life, then they were there and they were excellent.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that my Dad was in peace, in God's hands.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like this is right.
--Regarding MONEY:
My dad left us with a lot of money in his will. Somehow, his wife
got it fixed to where none of his children got any of it. But the
thing of it is, my Dad wouldn't want us to fight for his money, so
we just let her have it. I feel that one of these day's, she will
pay for what she done to my Dad and she just wasn't worth fighting
with for the money my dad had worked so hard for
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How my stepmother wouldn't let us be involved in the arrangements,
she was kind of secetive with it.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Getting away from my stepmother. I did feel relieved to be able
just to leave and we did, the day my Dad was buried, we spent a
week with my sister, then a week at my brothers, a few day's at my
husbands mothers, went back to my Dad's house for a few minutes,long
enough for her to yell at us that we had taken some of his things,
that we hadn't and found for her, packed up our belongings and came
on home. we were there for six terrible months.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The person talking about the past,then slowing down to nothing
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
was when I told dad to go to mom, mom was waiting for him. whem
Mom died, she left us with a smile on her face, I'm sure she was met!
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My only problem is that I feel that you should never hate anybody
and I do hate my step mother for what she did to my Dad, I wish
I could change my feelings and I don't think anybody can change
that for me. I am so bad that for my birthday present every year,
I will call my dad's house to see if she answeres the phone,to see
if she's still alive. She has answered every time, I just hang up
on her. I wish I could just change my feelings towards her, but I
just can't seem to forgive her for what she did to my Dad.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Dad, do you wanna' dance? He was a lively tiny man that just loved
to dance. Even in his later years, and having to use a cane, it
could out dance anybody on the floor.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I believe that the rights and wishes of a dying person should
be honored
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would want to know and then I would try to prepare my kids and
husband for it. If I knew that I would die soon, I would want to
try get "my house" in order, clean up everything inside that bother
me so that I could die in peace
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Crazy as it sounds, when we were at my dad's house, my stepmother
got upset, if we changed clothes everyday and bathed every day. When
we got on to our own lives, I had to take at least two baths a day
and have never worn clothes more than once until they're washed. I
can remember coming home and jumping in to the bath and laughing
and telling my stepmother that I was doing this just for her,
and of course, she wasn't even here!
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Sad to say, it brought up bad emotions, the feelings I have for my
step mother
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Sat Feb 7 23:54:54 1998
F23 in Parsippany, NJ =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 63.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really understand.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great-grandmother died. I was young so
I don't know exactly what she died from, but my parents wouldn't
let me go to the funeral. They said I was too young, and a funeral
wasn't the place for children.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I'm seemed to feel so much more upset than everyone else.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to help others with their grief.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
??
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Myself. I learned that I was a stronger person than I thought.
I didn't need to lean on anyone else no matter how saddened I was.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I didn't know who to turn to so I held it in myself and acted as
if everything was ok.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
See him one last time. He died in Minnesota and I live in New
Jersey. I wasn't even able to go to the funeral.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Make it through the whole situation and support those around me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
it hits me that this will eventually happen to me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have stayed in closer contact to him
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why do the people close to me have to die. Science has come so far,
but why hasn't anyone discovered a secret to immortality?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Scream, cry, and just disappear to be alone for a short time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
broke down in tears once I was alone. I found a picture of my
grandfather and just looked at it and spoke to it. Saying my
goodbye.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they try their best, but sometimes the best just can't help
everything.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
absolutely nothing.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would not want to know I was dying. every now and then a phobia
washes over me. In it I feel very afraid of my death. I know it
may not happen for a long time, but I get frightened anyway.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Looking at a photo of my grandfather and had an imaginary
conversation with him to say I love you, and will miss you.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Books & Films
I was still young, so I felt I was Immortal, couldn't happen to me.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
No one wanted to talk about it with me.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Feb 7 21:53:36 1998
F in Bloomington, IN =USA=
Web: http://WWW.necafc.com
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
JOHNATHAN LIVINGSTON SEAGULL (WEIRD YOU SAY??)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 38yrs ago.
Cause of Death: CANCER; Aged: 28.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
WHEN YOUR BODY IS NO LONGER ABLE TO FUNCTION AND YOUR SOUL MUST
LEAVE TO FIND ANOTHER VEHICLE
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
DIDN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS HAPPENING
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...FATHER DIED WHEN I WAS 3 YRS OLD. FUNNY THING
IS I REMEMBER HIM PRETTY WELL :)
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I WAS GLAD THEY DIED QUICKLY WITHOUT MUCH PAIN AS I KNEW THEY HAD
GONE ON TO SOMETHING BETTER
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
THE LACK OF FINALITY INVOLVED
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
IT MADE ME UNDERSTAND THAT THIS ISN'T THE ONLY REALITY
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
MY OWN PERSONAL STRUGGLE IN UNDERSTANDING THE ENTIRE LIFE PROCESS
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
THE PAIN OF KNOWING THAT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH
THEM FOR A WHILE
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
TO REMIND THEM ITS ONLY A NEW BEGINNING
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
CAME TO ACCEPT WHAT I BELIEVE IS THE LIFE AND DEATH PROCESS
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
THERE HAD TO BE PAIN TO MAKE THE TRANSITION
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
TALK WITH THAT PERSON ONE MORE TIME
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
BE A PART OF THEIR LIFE
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
WAS ABLE TO DEAL WITH THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
THERE WAS NO HOSPICE INVOLVED. HE DIED AT HOME.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
NOTHING, WHILE I DO BELIEVE IN GOD I DON'T NECESSARILY BELIEVE
IN ORGANIZED RELIGION AT THIS POINT. YES, I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC -
20 YEARS OR SO!
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
PEACEFUL
--Regarding MONEY:
NOT APLICABLE
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
SINCE HIS DEATH I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN EXTREMELY SENSATIVE TO THIS.
I BELEIVE WE ALL HAVE THE ABILITY BUT DON'T ALWAYS TAP INTO THE
REALM.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
YOU NEEDN'T HAVE A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE TO TRAVEL BACK AND FORTH
ON THE "SIDES" :)
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I BELEIVE YOU CAN ALWAYS TALK TO THEM AND THEY WILL HEAR. AND
SOMETIMES IF YOU LISTEN HARD ENOUGH, THEY WILL ANSWER
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I AM NO LONGER AFRAID OF DYING.... I USE TO HAVE STRONG FEARS OF IT
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
FINALLY REALIZED IT WASN'T THE SOUL THAT DIED IT WAS JUST THE BODY
THAT CARRIED IT, THE SOUL CONTINUES TO LIVE ON
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
AVOIDANCE BY FAMILY MEMBERS TO ACKNOWLEDGE
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
A LITTLE LONG AND INVOLVED. BUT IT DID HELP TO REMEMBER WHAT WE
GENERALLY TRY HARD TO FORGET
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Fri Feb 6 12:40:47 1998
M20 in Austin, Texas =US=
Name: Sol Waters
Email: <peaceful_waters-at-rocketmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
doing an intro psychology paper on "Death and Psychology"
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Recommended Reading-- Writers:
The Dalai Lama, Rolo May, Lao-Tzu, The Buddha, Asimov
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GirlFriend, 1 1/2 months (December 15) ago.
Cause of Death: crash into a telephone pole (suicide); Aged: 19.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A dissolving of all the senses. When someone close to you dies,
it is hard to imagine you will never see them again, never touch
them again. There is something holy and infinitely powerful, though
downward-pulling, about the feeling of death.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
There was some uneasiness in my stomach for a while, but after that
I did not really care. (I hardly knew my great grandmother)
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was that my great grandmother went into a coma. I
went to visit her in the nursing home in the town where I was
born. She lie on the bed, her eyes wide open, a spooky look on her
face. The next day we received a telephone call that she had passed.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Whimpering inside, when I called to talk to Jessica in California
and was told that she was "dead".
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That you can condemn those distant from you to hell. But that
when it comes to someone you love, even if in reality this person
has terrible motives and commits serious crimes, a Hell afterlife
becomes much more of a fuzzy idea. Heaven and Hell are here on
Earth, and in our minds.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That Jessica loved me and brought joy into my life until the very
end. And now, if she is out there somewhere, she probably has found
her peace.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Detachment. Also grieving, and then talking about it with a
close friend.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The fact that if I had gone to see her for Christmas as promised,
she may have had something to look forward to.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't try to cheer them up, but don't have a grave demeanor. Try
to be sensitive to their mood, and generally radiate health from
you to them.
--[My GirlFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
No longer see suicide as a beautiful option, as many make it out
to be.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When people told me with a quick, almost mocking tone, "Get over it."
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I laughed because of the logical craziness--that my unconscious
fears around Christmas came into reality.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
See her alive in California, and tell her I loved her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Kiss her and hold her in my arms.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Everyone around looks at the futility and shallowness of their
own lives. Some are motivated to improve when death becomes so
tangible. True emotion comes out, which seems to be uncommon.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Almost everything everyone does. Very little outside love, and the
purposes you make for yourself in life, really matters.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at her letters and our pictures.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
She and I are walking through her vinyards in the evening, and she
is sharing the history of her family and the wine company over the
centuries. We kiss for a while, leaning against a fence overgrowing
with grapes.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that parents abuse their children
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Write something or do something about it, and never have to ponder
it again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Became depressed, and found it difficult to get up in the morning.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
That Medical money could have better been spent on her traveling
around the world instead of being put on medication and under
partial hospitalization for attempted suicides.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing. I grew up the son of a minister, and still I think
most stories about the afterlife are either creative writing or
experiences people go through as their brains are dying. However,
confessing my pains to close friends has helped. In this way,
a group of friends can be an emotional or spiritual support.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Correct, though I do not use the word "spirit" very often.
--Regarding MONEY:
Members of her family may not have been able to manage it well
enough when she was young, perhaps leading to substance abuse and
child abuse.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was not there, but apparently they put her in the ground as soon
as possible and said nothing to me.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The fact that I could go all over the world and never see ever
be able to find her. She is gone, vanished, and I can never touch
her again.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Severe personality changes around stressful periods. Warnings,
such as "everything is worked out," "I am very, very tired," or
much talk about death. Talk about death should generally not alarm,
unless major loses or frustrations have started to repetedly occur
in the person's life.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
It all happened to fast. Maybe I will find out more from her
parents or the medics later.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nothing of that nature has happened
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
there are no unresolved issues with her. Everything came out very
cleanly.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I am going into psychology, as we talked about. Thank you for
helping me to see what I want.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I am concerned that I will not be immortal after I die unless I make
some contributions to our knowledge of physics or psychology. I
think that is also a common feeling among those who work on the
artificial heart--a theory and technology that could be as eternal
as long as human bodies need to pump blood. When I die, I want some
of my molecules preserved, and the rest cremated and scattered over
an ocean. We should hate as few people as possible, and strive
to improve as many lives as possible while we are here.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have a hard time fathoming my own death now. But I would like to
think more in terms of lifespan than i do.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I would take moments of silence in the evening, just pausing for
her for 5-10 minutes.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I should pause for 5-10 minutes each evening for the rest of my life.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Since starting high school, the best way I have found to deal with
death is not to conceive of an afterlife.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
The possibility that I will amount to nothing in this life.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionnaire has helped me to recover by letting go of
the stress of Jessica's death. It has also helped to plan for my
future death.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Please shorten and clarify about half of the questions. Give more
information to the reader initially as to what value this survey
has to the population at large.
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Fri Feb 6 11:27:47 1998
F22 in South Bend, Indiana =USA=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: conjestive heart failure; Aged: 67.
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--Death Is:
feelings of sadness and grief because you will never see that
person again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I did not quite understand what happened. I did not know her that
well, though I knew I had to grieve.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How people enjoy reliving the good things about him
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
comunicate
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My mother and father being there for me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The feelings of sorrow and pain that still have not gone away
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Know him more as person rather than a respectable elder
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Spend extra time with him before he died
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about how much of an impact he had on my life and how I
will never express that to him
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried for days
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Fri Feb 6 09:17:21 1998
F18 in Chicago, Illinois =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Psychology/Occupational Therapy
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 73.
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--Death Is:
the ending of physical life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
sunk into major depression.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was very close to my Great Uncle and he
had cancer. I used to go to his house all of the time and because
he never had children he treated me like I was his child. One day
he became very ill and had to go to the hospital, I was too young
to get into the icu so I never got to say goodbye. He died a few
months later.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Not being able to get anywhere near the coffin.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My Great Uncle's death brought me closer to my Grandparents.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Remembering the times I shared with them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that they were gone and I could no longer be with them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first heard that they died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get to know my Aunt better before she died.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
someone moved into her old house.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see something that reminds me of her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and refused to leave the house, except to go to school.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
thanks that they did what they could.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing in this case.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the sobriety of it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Fri Feb 6 02:07:52 1998
M40 in grand rapids, michigan =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Typed in "Death and Dying"
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Prof/Studies: pre-press / printing
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, will die in a few days.
Cause of Death: Parkinson's Disease and Alzheimers; Aged: 78.
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--Death Is:
the end of interaction in the physical realm
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was fearful and confused because the person was there one minute
and then they were dead before I realized what it really meant
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...while as a teen working for a young man who
was an extremely intelligent engineer who was also a race driver
(snowmobile modified) , we were at an ice track race and during
the course of the race the young man was involved in an accident
and fell off the snowmobile whereby he was hit by other snowmobiles
travelling at high speeds and did not survive rescue attempts.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how all my siblings kept telling me thankyou for taking care of
mom all these years and how did I cope with it because they didn't
think they could have
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
sometimes it is a relief to the person who may have been suffering
over any extended time period dealing with disease or degenerative
conditions
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my mother is able to finally be free of her battle with a
degenerative condition , there will be no more pain
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
believing that my mother will not suffer anymore
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
remembering what mother was to the family before she became
incapacitated by Parkinson's and Dimentia
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
hold their hand, hug them, tell them it's O.K. to let go and be on
their way to a better place
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dealt with the decision of withholding initiation of life support
systems, as I am the legally responsible person who had to make the
decision I was trying to prepare myself for "that day" and when it
came yesterday I found it surprisingly not as difficult as I may
have imagined it would be, because I felt I would be doing my mother
more harm than good if she were to be "artificially" kept alive for
no apparent reason other than because it is possible but would not
bring any kind of quality to her life but only prolog the inevitable
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I haven't come to that point yet
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
put aside my "fear" of seeing her waste away before death and spent
more time with her when she was cognizant
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
come to the decision not to artificially prolong her death by
hospitalization and tube feedings, etc. but to just let her die
in peace
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I was at the nursing home by mom's bedside holding her hand and
just being with her, I told her it was O.K. to let go and I thought
I felt her squeeze my hand a little or was it my imagination?
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the question of having a large funeral service at a church or a
small family memorial
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I really dreaded going to see mom at the nursing home but when I
made myself go I almost always felt better after having gone to
see her even though she may not have realized I had even been there
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that mom had to suffer for so many years and go "downhill" over
such an extended period
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
throw or break something to release the emotions inside
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt a weight lifted from my shoulders in a way beacause I had
been my mothers care giver for some time before she went into
a nursing home and now that death was very near I felt that the
burden of wanting to help my mother be well and knowing that nothing
could really be done except prolong the end, when I made the final
decision to not use life support I actually felt better than I had
in the past several months knowing that she was near the end and
she would be better off than she had been in the recent past
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
frustration at the treating of symptoms but not the actual cure or
healing of most degenerative conditions
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
have had no contact with any hospice service
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
for myself, organized religion does not do anything for me
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
silence in the beginning, silence in the end. we are born alone
and we die alone. only to be "reborn" in the minds of those people
who we have "touched" in our life, the memory lives only because
we interact with others
--Regarding MONEY:
my mother had to spend all of her life savings to pay for nursing
care, when the money ran out and she was a "medicaid" patient the
nursing home still sends me bills for expenses "not covered" while
my mother was a patient
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
funeral has not taken place at this time, mother is down to her last
few days before death, I expect it to be no longer than a week to go
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
being concerned about what mom is going to wear for her own funeral
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
refusing, rejecting or taking no interest in food, refusing
medication, weight loss, apathy, no interest in any daily activities,
basically all signs of giving up or just being tired of the fight
for life and wanting to be left alone to die
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
mother has had "visits" from relatives and other people from her
past that have died, especially my father, she always seemed quite
comfortable to "see" these people and would often ask me if I
saw them, which I never did, but sometimes I did feel that they
were very real to my mother even if I was not receptive enough to
experience them
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no NDE that I'm aware of
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel that I abandoned my mother in her greatest need by placing
her in a nursing home even though I know it was for the best since
I was not able to provide the care she needed. I have not really
resolved that issue yet, and am still reflecting on it.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would wish for forgiveness from my mother for putting her in a
nursing home
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
it's just a journey to somewhere beyond the physical realm,
funerals are for the living to remember the past, although I do
have specific wishes concerning my death I currently have not put
anything in writing and should do so in the near future to make
thing a little easier in a way for the family
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I tell myself that I'm not afraid of death, I have even picked
out certain writings and music that I would like to have for a
memorial service, things which I feel express some of my thoughts
about death, but the thing that really bothers me is the possibility
that I will not be able to see my children become adults with their
own families and that I would be leaving my wife alone with no help
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
not at this time, possibly in the future
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it helped me face some questions I need to deal with
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Thu Feb 5 18:23:18 1998
Roger Swaner in Bloomington, Illinois =USA=
Email: <zookpr-at-dave-world.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Parish Worker
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying / Good Grief
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elizabeth Kubler Ross / Pr. Granger Westberg
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 15 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 73.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of the earthly life. The mortal body functions cease to
function. Because of the belief in God, many of us believe that
it is the beginning of eternal life in heaven
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young but with the help of loving parents able to have
some understanding about it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was about 5 years old. A great aunt died out
of state and I attended the home wake and funeral with my parents.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the eternal hope experience.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not everyone understands or believes the same
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the memories of the departed person.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a belief in Jesus and life eternal.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the finallity of mortal life. That it shall be a long time before
we meet again. Also, that they might have been scared or fearful
of the experience.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
letting them know the love that surounds them.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Mother had a very strong faith. She died after a lingering illness.
During that time, regardless of her pain, she was always able to
be a witness to her Lord.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
at the end of the funeral.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was in the process of arranging the funeral of my father. My
siblings and I were having very fond memories of him at the time.
He loved woodworking and we had a nice time choosing a fine oak
casket for him.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
This answer is in regards to my fathers death. He was a Xian person,
however he had a fear of death, better stated, fear of the process.
One fear was that he would die alone, which he did. I felt guilty at
the time but realized that I it was something I had no control over.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have the Xian faith.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I have no answer.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
----
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
looking at old pictures of my mother when she was extremely ill
with cancer. I yet to this day, some 35 years later, have a hard
time looking at them.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have been better at showing my love.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when a young child dies.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I seldom feel these feelings.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
let myself absorb the holiness of it all.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
why life is prolonged without any quality.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
the cancer death was well before any hospice programs.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything to me. Without it, the events of death would have been
much harder to absorb.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
----
--Regarding MONEY:
had nothing to do with the process.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how much love was extended to my father and mother and the survivors.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
----
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the time heals.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I find these reports interesting and believable. I don't have any
firsthand reports of these however.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
----
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
-----
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
----
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I feel that from the moment of birth we begin the dying process.
It's all downhill from there. The only thought I have of my own
death is how it is going to happen. I feel that through this
survey, I have related a strong faith in God which helps me in
this understanding. I agree with Card. Joseph Bernadin, death is
our friend.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Reading, prayer, religious music, being alone to collect my
thoughts.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
same as previous answer.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Having no problems thinking or talking about a persons death or my
own, I found the survey interesting. I deal with death quite often,
therefore I must deal with these feelings frequently.
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Tue Feb 3 13:50:17 1998
F21 in Reston, VA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
"When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloom'd"
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Walt Whitman
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart disease; Aged: 87.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the cessation of existence. Absolute blank. Some of us believe
in an afterlife, but there's no real proof.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
simply didn't know what to feel.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...do fish count? I got a tank of goldfish for
my sixth birthday and all but one of them died within two days.
I think I blamed my brother. Then we got more fish. I'm afraid
I wasn't as upset as I should have been.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
pulling on nylon stockings in freezing weather.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not sweeping it under the rug or trying to fight it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
realizing I can still hear his voice in my mind, and always will.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling frozen -- and slowly starting to thaw.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I looked up at the open casket by mistake.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
visit my grandparents the day before he died.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the Heaven thing. I think I did pray for his soul, though I don't
believe there's any sort of an afterlife ... he believed, and I
guess that's what matters.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I suppose not so different. I would take things for granted a
bit more.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
started to be able to write about it.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
going to Mass and taking communion like a good little girl .. I
suppose for some of my relatives it meant a lot more.
--Regarding MONEY:
my dad spent the next two years trying to organize his mother's
finances (still hasn't finished!)
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how unreal it all seemed.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the funeral home atmosphere ... the pink wallpaper (rather like
the background to this site) and the extroverted lady at the front
door ...
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It'll happen. I don't believe I will know anything about it.
Much tougher on the family than the person in question.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
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Tue Feb 3 12:24:49 1998
F18 in S.I., NY =USA=
Email: <Gibbons-at-fdusvr1.fdu.edu>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: ""natural causes""; Aged: 69.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
release, all stop of functions
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young i was find though about it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my aunt died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
people crying
--What I think my (u.s.a.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That its not a bad thing
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
He is out of pain
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Helping others deal with it.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dealt with it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
People cried who didn't even know him
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughing shows strength in a "emotional situation"
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to him more
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there for my family
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
ummm no
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
they don't understand its not a sad event
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back to holliswood
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
moved on
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
therepy
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
moving on
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
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Tue Feb 3 09:30:39 1998
F45 in Newcastle, Wyoming =USA=
Name: Nickalina Groenewold
Email: <nickyg-at-trib.com>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
link from FAMSA
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Prof/Studies: Rancher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 17 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: shot to death; Aged: 26.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of being, as we know it. Whether or not there is something
beyond the grave, we can not be certain. For us, the living, however,
when someone we love dies, it is the end - that person exists no
more, except in our memories.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was frightened - more at my father's reaction to his father's death,
than my own knowledge or understanding of death.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather (father's father) had a heart
attack. We lived in Montana at the time, started driving toward
Nebraska where he had been hospitalized. En route, we stopped at a
filling station where Dad called Grandma and came back to the car,
crying. Mom took over the driving. I was about six, and this was
the first time I'd ever seen my father cry.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Injustice.. It can't be happening again. My brother was shot to
death in August of 1980, my father was shot to death in December
of 1981.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Really? Nothing. My family (mom and sister) and I had to deal with
the deaths of two of our own, within 18 months of each other, and
people outside the family simply didn't know how to deal with us.
Instead, we were pretty much treated as untouchable. No one knew
how to speak to us, what to do or say, so they avoided us.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my fear of death, my religious questions (spiritual questions),
lack of faith of certainty.. not knowing what happens - fear of
non-existence.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
literally being there.. come by, call, visit - talk about the person
who died. They ceased to exist, but their existence had been real.
We won't forget them, don't want others to forget them.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I have nothing to share except pain, about that death. Since dad
was killed so soon after Tony, there were two years of pain -
and now? 17 years.. The man who killed my father went to trial
and was judged to have acted in "self defense", although my father
was unarmed at the time of the killing. Tony's killer never went
to trial, and perhaps that is why we've never really experienced
"closure" over his death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I don't know - it was all confusing and scary and painful. Tony's
death was so sudden, so unexpected, that we started out in shock
at the funeral home picking out the first coffin we saw (very
expensive), and every step of the way thereafter was a shock, dealing
with the police, having him cremated, bringing his ashes home..
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
the only time we laughed was reminiscing about Tony and Dad and
the times we had, the things we did.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
follow up, sue the man who killed my brother, force the truth out
of his lying, cheating wife, investigate the matter on my own,
hire an attorney..
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
of the two deaths, I am thankful for nothing.. 17 years of questions
and fear and hurt, and there seems no end.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
their friends came to the funeral, talked about them
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
"What if" can drive you crazy, both asking "what if" I had
done this or that before the killings? What if I hadn't gotten
divorced? Tony might not have gotten divorced, and then he wouldn't
have been killed. But after his death, our lives would have been
entirely different than they are today - and still, we would not do
differently what we have done. It's a sham to think that you would
change your life if you knew something different about the future.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
two tragedies so close together - nothing is safe, it could be me
next, or mom or my sister.. And then asking, who is this supposed
to be punishing?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have proof of God, proof of an afterlife, communication with my
brother or my father
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
still had horrible unanswered questions
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
pity and patience and assistance at the very time of Tony's death,
and not very much understanding after that - attempting to bill my
parents for the unsuccessful emergency room procedures of an adult,
and deceased, son.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
worrying even more that my brother and father went to Hell.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I don't know.. I want things that I can't have, proof.. faith,
understanding.
--Regarding MONEY:
expensive funerals - expensive caskets, purchased in shock and grief.
Social Security benefits for my son's son. Life insurance that we
never thought we'd have to use. Is a gun shot an "accidental death",
which means double indemnity..
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was so overwrought I don't even know who, for sure, was there.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
That was one thing I was thankful for. I had been in correspondence
with my brother (although at the time I was involved in a rather
fanatical fundamental religious group, and was always trying to
sermonize and witness to everyone - so they may have wanted nothing
to do with me)..
I talked to Dad the night before he died, making plans for
Christmas. I've been grateful for that
Otherwise, I don't know who could help me with the issues of fear
of death, of non-existence, of infinity.. Who has those answers?!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I've been thinking about funerals and cemeteries and cremation.. all
the "mundane" but essential things surrounding death. I want to make
it clear to my family what I want done with my body. I want to know
what my mother and husband want done. Funeral plans made in advance
could really avoid a lot of grief (and a lot of unnecessary expense).
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
TERROR
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
I don't know that I "dealt with death" at that time, I didn't know
what had happened, except that it devastated my dad.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
I've always been afraid of death, maybe it started then.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I don't know.. Sometimes I just need to talk, and everybody thinks
that by now, more than 17 years after losing Tony, 16 years after
losing Dad, that we ought to be over it, to move on, to forget?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Feb 1 06:37:57 1998
F43 in , pa =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of CoWorker, 5 days ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack at work; Aged: 62.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the soul leaves your body and goes to be with God
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt numb
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...MY GRANDMOTHER died after a long illness
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how it brought people together, how it made us realize how fragile
and fleeting life can be.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
real. I hate to hear euphemisms like, "If something sould happen
to me". Spell it out and deal with it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the support of the other people involved
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my Christian faith, and knowing that the deceased was with God
--[My CoWorker's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
worked to support the survivors
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to , and get to know the person better before he died.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I talk about it, or have to be in the area of the office where
he died
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that we as a staff had to experience his death at the workplace
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt like I had to DO something, so I started to try to clean up
the area where it happened.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they took too long to come. Then they wouldn't let anyone know for
sure he was dead until they could tell his wife in person first.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I had a safe haven to go to for comfort, and I had a place to call
for prayer, before I knew that it was too late and that he had
already died.
--Regarding MONEY:
people were very generous with their money. When they took up a
collection for flowers, people immediately responded.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was helpful to see how peaceful he looked, in comparison to how
he looked at the office.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
change in color of the dead person,
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no one will help me with them
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have told my family what my wishes are, closed casket, no
extraordinary measures to prolong my life, cremation.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I feel like this has been a warning to me to change my lifestyle,
habits, which will result in my own health being improved, so maybe
I can avoid what happened to my co-worker. I did wonder what it
would be like to know you only have 5 minutes left to live, what
would I do with that time?
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
listening to religious worship music in my office. Turning off the
lights in the office the day of the funeral.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me with the need I have to talk about the experience
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See Current contributions.
See Jan 98 contributions.
See Dec 97 contributions.
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