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See Current contributions.
See Dec 97 contributions.
See Nov 97 contributions.
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Sat Jan 31 23:12:45 1998
F28 in East Peoria, Illinois =USA=
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Prof/Studies: Brandt
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More personal info:
Mother of 4, with one on the way
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: unknown; Aged: 32.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when all life expires, and your soul lives on somewhere else
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was in complete shock
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I had a crush on a boy in my class, I used
to live very close to him, when I would stop by, sometimes his
brother would say hi and talk to me about his little brother.
He knew i was just a kid and understood how crushes are. He was
a senior in High School, very popular, then he decided to kill
himself at school with a gun he got from home.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the shock factor, it hits you out of the blue
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to be prepared
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I lived in the first placesupport
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
support from family was alright, but I turned to myself for support,
denial mostly
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
unable to pay last respects
--[My Neighbor's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
g
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my friend just died at a church pot luck dinner, he just fell
over dead
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let him know that he was loved
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I go home for visits thats where it took place
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
block it out
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
got really sacred because it can happen in an instant
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
My brother told me about it, and he could not understand why it
bugged me so much
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Sat Jan 31 20:58:58 1998
F34 in Porterville, CA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: pneumonia; Aged: 49.
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--Death Is:
stopping and never going again. never being able to communicate with
the person who has stopped and nor being able to see them in person.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
really didn't know the person and didn't see him that often so I
really didn't realize he was dead until 25 years later.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died from cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
his caring attitude, unconditional love.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's okay to deal with it and it's important to deal with it instead
of pretending everything is okay.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being in a women's counseling support group.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I was just learning to trust and accept the love as unconditional
and now it's gone.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
being able to remember the good times helped during the grieving
process.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there when he needed me and maybe he would still be alive.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
grieve fairly normally and allow myself to feel during the grieving
process.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my counselor expressed sadness with me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
important things happen, I can't share it with him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be seriously considering marriage and working through the
obstacles that faced us.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he finally got his life back and now it's gone for good.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go to his home and sit with him.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the difference in how I was able to let go of him. I know that he
was saved and it helps to know he is in a better place.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how the family treated me as if I was and am a part of their family,
even though we weren't married.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd appologize for my hesitancy to commit and go ahead and work
through the obstacles in order to marry.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have all ready planned my memorial service and arranged to be
cremated and paid for the services so loved ones won't have to
worry about financial burdens.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have visited him at the grave and prayed asking Jesus to tell
him what I am saying and then proceed to tell him what I need to say.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I don't take relationships for granted. I make sure to enjoy them
as much as possible, because there are no guarantees.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Passage of Time
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I still miss him very much. I doubt I will ever get over it.
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Sat Jan 31 16:34:44 1998
F50 in Phoenix, AZ =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Handwriting Site (HWA.ORG)
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...A friend and I were just hanging around
the church, and the mortician asked us if we wanted to see the body.
It was 40 years ago, and the lady's name was Mrs. Strainge and I
shall NEVER forget her!!! The mortician was a little strange,
I think! He must have known we were just hanging around and not
a part of the funeral.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Time and Spiritual Belief
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Doing all of that casket picking and tasks like that. Who wants
to deal with that stuff when you're hurting and trying to adjust?
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Take the time to have no regrets. Dying is something you can't
do over again.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I still cry, and miss her, even after 10 years.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
The understanding that we are not gone... just that our bodies give out.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
taking the time to really THINK about it...
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Sat Jan 31 15:50:00 1998
F21 in Campbellsville, Kentucky =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Sociology Major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 1 week ago.
Cause of Death: rehurniation; Aged: 8 years.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
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Sat Jan 31 12:37:34 1998
F21 in New Delhi, Delhi =India=
Email: <binzy-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Engineering undergrad
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 7.5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 70.
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--Death Is:
the great leveller. A mysterious shroud that descends on anyone
it pleases, anytime, anywhere, and glides away with them into the
clouds, to disappear and never be seen again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
awoke one morning to find everyone wailing and got confused. Then
they told me. I accepted it because he had cancer and had to die
anyway. Everybody said so. When the cries went on all morning,
I was miserable. And cried when I saw my parents crying too. Their
lack of control got me scared about what death can do to the living.
--That first time, how it happened was
My father's brother who lived close to us. He had cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I heard her anguished cries and saw her burning from a window at the
top floor of the house. She was a ball of fire.I rushed down and they
were trying to put out the fire with a blanket. There was nothing I,
or anyone, could do to save her. She died in the ambulance and the
grotesquely charred remains of her once fit and robust body(even at
70) lay in a secluded corner. They wailed, they beat their breasts,
and even those who didn't feel a thing, and would later recount
the incident with glee, cried. I was assigned the task of informing
relatives on the phone. They came in droves. There was a wake. My
father put his arms around me and sobbed like a baby. I cried for
him the most.
--What I think my (India) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to treat it as a natural and inseperable part of life. To do
away with the superstitions, rituals and taboo surrounding this
subject. To realize that life goes on for the living. Basically,
to find it within themselves an understanding of death and why they
fear it so much.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Yesterday I brought a small, miserable puppy home from a farm. It
looked on the verge of death and I was quite sure it would die
there. I fed it, kept it warm, and did everything my vet told me to
do. Apparently it was infested by worms; its motions were bloody,
it was totally anaemic and pathetic, just a bunch of bones. I had
ideas about nursing it back to life with TLC and then setting it
free but fate had other plans. Today, despite everyone's efforts,
it just stopped eating. I put it in my lap and carressed it...and
it looked up at me...and then it died.
I did cry, but eventually I realized that I couldn't give
it a good life but I HAD given it a comfortable death. God
bless its soul.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My inner strength. You have to build it up, and for that you have to experience death in
all its shades. It's never pleasant, but then... it's life. Take it, don't leave it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The regrets. The wishing that there had been more time to clear
misunderstandings, to tell them how loved they are, to say goodbye.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I wasn't in attendance, but I think you need to be there to hold
their hand. Don't cry, don't show your desperation or you'll make it
more difficult for them to leave. Tell them you love them. Reassure
them on their fears.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
stood by everyone's side and comforted them through my own grief. I
was knocked so hard that I learned to stand up.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Why did she do it? How could anybody do that to themselves? What
could be that bad, that hopeless?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
No I didn't laugh, but I remember a cousin who did. She probably
couldn't take the pressure all in one go. It's human nature, right?
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to her before she died. To let her know that, no matter what,
I loved her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
keep my feelings of shock and pain under control when it really
mattered. There was so much do be done, and there was only me to
do it.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
a baby was born to my aunt just a few days afterwards. The old gave
way to the new, and that was that.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Every ritual was performed, every last rite dealt with, every
mourner satisfied. I think it mattered a great deal to everyboy
that Everything be done in JUST the right way at JUST the Right Time.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a photograph that seems to speak to me...or hear about an
aquaintance who's ill or dying...or see a particularly moving
movie...or read a very sensetive piece in a tribute to a loved one
who died.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Reality is the only dimension I choose to live in. There's no turning
back, so no point wasting energy on fruitless dreams. Life is too
short !
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
But WHY did this have to happen? WHY WHY WHY? I did think this many,
many times. There's just no answer to this. Only God knows.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I turn my mind onto other, more omnipresent things. It dosn't get
difficult if you don't let it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
grew up.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust. Their apathetic attitude to people is surpassed only by
their allegiance to money.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
collective prayers going up to touch the heart of God and returning
in the form of blessings.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
perfectly true.
--Regarding MONEY:
No, there was no problem with that. Everyone knew the Correct Way
to do their job.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the hypocrisy of it all. Like we were the stars of the show, and
performing for all we were worth.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the relief, like everything that had to happen, is over.I put it
down to time.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Your own instincts. Your intuition. And a good heart-to-heart
connection with your loved one where you can actually feel their
feelings and their pain.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
No, I don't know about this.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
No one I know.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I made my peace with my grandfather. The issues are irrelevant now.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell them to go where they were being called, and to be
happy. I would ask them if they were comfortable, with me, and with
the life they were leaving behind. The answer would be theirs to
give. I would feel grateful for the chance to say goodbye.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Die? I'm not going to die yet. And I wouldn't care what people
think of me, if I did die.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't want to die until I've done a million more things.Today,
I feel life is an addiction. There is so much to do...and see...and
feel...and I want it all. If tomorrow someone said I'm going to die,
I wouldn't believe him. I'd get a second opinion, then another,
then another, and if they all say the same I'd not only fight to
live but also pack as much into my days as I possibly can.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I set aside a time of day for thinking about her, and for the rest
of the day I tried not to. Eventually I grieved and thought less
and less.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I didn't really understand what was going on. And didn't really
care. We weren't close.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
You forced me to face up to many old feelings which I thought
I'd buried. I guess they never really die. It was kind of
theraputic. Something I couldn't talk about to anyone else. Thankyou!
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Sat Jan 31 08:05:08 1998
F14 in Sioux Falls, SD =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Search for Feelings on death
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Prof/Studies: student & Taco John's
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
We Do Not Die
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
unsure exactly who wrote it
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 1yr. ago.
Cause of Death: Put to sleep; Aged: 3.
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--Death Is:
When the person may no longer live or is chosen by much higher
powers that it is their time to go and they are sent away to a
happy place that you may not visit until it is your time to go.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was sad and I cried a bit but we weren't very close because my
grandpa had over 20 grandchildren.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My step-grandpa who was the only grandpa I
had known on that side of the family died of a heart attack when
his car struck a bridge in an accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I came to school and everyone was crying. I didn't know what had
happened so I had to ask like everyone I saw. The whole day people
cried and socialized and went to the counselor's office after two
of our classmates died.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That the only reason they grieve is because they feel sorry for
themselves and the people left behind not because they think that
the person who died is sad.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When my grandma died. It brought our family closer together which
it needed. She had lived a long and hard life and now her last
years had been a struggle with her emphysema so it was good that
she could finally feel safe.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Being with my cousin who is like my best friend. I love her sooo
much!
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Seeing my parents so sad.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
even if you just stop by once in awhile the fact that they know
you care and that you won't forget them can brighten them up.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Really realized what a great women she was.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I like people to be happy at the time of a death, it makes things
go smoother.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Get closer to both my grandma and my step-grandpa.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
See my grandma as much as possible right before she died.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see pictures of myself with them.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I am not sure
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring them back
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Cried lots and lots and then embraced my boyfriend always and he
helped me get through.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
resent
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they could have been more helpful but they did their best most of
the time.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Like someone is there to help us through the death process.
--Regarding MONEY:
She had left us each 10,000 dollars because she loved us and didnt
want the government to take it all
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The preacher was very dumb.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The person getting more worried about "taking care of things"
and giving you things.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Nobody can really do anything to change it
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Brining memories of that person into my life for me to reflect upon.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I was too young to really understand death and my mom talked to me
a lot about it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
I basically got over it right away because I started to understand
a little better.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think this opened me up a bit to things I should look at more in
my life.
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Sat Jan 31 01:38:12 1998
F15 in Vancouver, Washington =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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--Death Is:
when the physical body quits working.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
asked my parents why they weren't crying. They said they already
had and were done for the time being.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandma (my favorite relative I had
then,or now) was fading so slowly and then I woke up one morning
and my dad said Grama died last night. It was, like, 6 years ago,
(I'm 15) and it still makes me sad.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it needs to be looked at starkly, without all the stigma and ritual
surrounding it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I am aware of a guardian angel, of sorts.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I was not raised in a religious environment where I was given
concrete views and forced to beleive them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I was sad when it happened, then I got Ok with it, then I became
sad about it again, recently.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen to them, even if it is just incoherent babblings and their
descriptions of mental pictures they see on the ceiling above
their bed. You'll learn thjing about yourself and how you did, can,
and will connect to them.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
noticed that in her old age, she was more unrepressed, and by
observing her, I learned things about myself that I would not
discover coherently for another few years.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My grandpa dumped her ashes into the lake from a plastic bag.
A plastic bag? He loved her for about 60 years of his life more
than anything, i'd think. (I have this thing about people being
disrespectful.)
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I have never felt that way about that, myself. My mom has.
She was laughing like crazy when I attempted suicide and had to go
to the hospital in an ambulance. (that was unconnected to anything
relevant here. sorry.)
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
learn things from my grandma, share myself with her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
eventually grasp the concept of death and develop some theories
about the afterlife that I am satisfied with.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
my grandma didn't want a funeral, so we didn't have one. My parents
were complaining about how we needed closure, but I am glad there
wasn't one. Pointless traditional rituals that are only done out
of obligation are not good.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I bet my grandma would not accept me the way I am now. I spose
it's good that she left when were were both aware that the other
one was perfect.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was about 4 years older than I was when the death actually happened.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
it was cold and unfeeling.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a big ol' load of unreality, like it has always been to me.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
so right.
--Regarding MONEY:
my dad said that the funeral homes were out to get us because
he had to sign a lot of papers that graphically described how
cremation worked, so that it would convince him to bury instead.
Burial cost a lot more, obviously.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I got to pick out some nice pink flowers from the Safeway florist and
throw them in the lake along with the ashes. It was my mom's idea.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
coming to terms with it so much later than the actual event.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
The most recent time I attempted suicide, I called 911 myself, and at
the hospital, this deputy lady came and talked to me and she said,
Why did you call 911 yourself? I told her I was afraid of being
dead, (because in that one split second it dawned on me that this
was real) She patted me on the knee and said, Good Girl. and then
she left the room. That was not the right thing to say, at the time.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
there are just little things, like developing likes and dislikes for
the same things she liked and disliked. And i wear a ring every day
(that I bought) that symbolizes her, and I carry around a pendant
that I stole from her house after her death, because it holds her
energies, to me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
nobody seemed to care as much as me. also, recently gaining an
understanding of what death is, and what I'm missing by not having
her around makes the wound reopen.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it's nice to get an opportunity to talk about this, with the subject
not commonly discussed in public, and all.
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Fri Jan 30 15:15:35 1998
F17 in , British Columbia =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Children and Death
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 21.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a painful, unwanted feeling. We will cry in sadness and hope for
the best for the person who has died. Dying is when someone goes
away and does not come back.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not cry or show any emotion until the funeral and even then it
was not much.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...The first time I came in contact with death
was when my grandps Pat died. We were very close and visted him
all the time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fight I had with my stepsister two days before her death and
then when my dad phoned to say she was killed. I can remember
every thing he said.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
you can talk about it with out having people look at you like you
are crazy.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I can always to talk to her even though she is not here in person.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mom, dad, stepmom and stepsister.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
how to deal with the sadness
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I found out about it and then the funeral and the wake
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say I was sorry for the fight we had before she died and tell her
what she meant to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
meet her and have her show me the way to live life.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I was able to see her for one more time.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I can not stand it some times life feels so unfair and then the
song played at the funeral makes me go back into my depressed state.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she had to leave us so soon. Why couldn't I just say I
was sorry.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just die and be with her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
could not stop crying for her to come back
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how beautiful itt was.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
saying goodbye and I will see you again sometime.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I still blame my self for her death, and I have not way of resolving
it yet.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would say I was sorry for what I did and I love you.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I found out I was to die soon I would tell everyone I loved them
and will miss them Terribly. I would also say not to cry because
I would be going to a better place.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I tried to forget about the whole thing until about 2 1/2 years
later, my doctor diagonsed me with depression and I saw a counsellor
who helped me with dealing with my stepsisters death and other
people who have died who have been close to me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I now can not stand seeing people hit or fight, talk bad about their
parents or other family, I can not stand going by a semitruck on
the high way because tthat is in a way how my stepsister died.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I have in a way come to terms with the death and if any one has
just lost someone it is good for them to do because it helps the
grieving process.
Shall We Share Your Comments?: Feel free to share
Identify You?: Identify your comments?
Fri Jan 30 15:15:35 1998
F17 []; located in , British Columbia.
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Fri Jan 30 08:58:01 1998
M19 in traverse city, michigan =u.s.=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: heart condition; Aged: 52.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when someone goes to sleep and dont wake up.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
cried like a little bitch
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Alcohol
Enhancements: Have alot of questions, maybe too many, maybe a list of the questions
that you can link down to at the top
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Thu Jan 29 14:58:10 1998
F19 in Wichita, Kansas ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo, survey's page
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Prof/Studies: Biology and Pre-Vet Major
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 17 months ago.
Cause of Death: jeeping accident; Aged: 20.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end, the end of life, the end of existance on this planet,
as we know it, you stop breathing, and lose all life functions,
and your dead. For Christians, we believe that you go to heaven
to join God for all eternity, and so we try not to fear death,
although if you don't belive then there is a chance that you are
just dead, with no afterlife, and if you are judged as "evil",
then you could go to hell, which is eternal afterlife of damnation.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young, so I don't remember much, but the customs of the
funeral, the body in the casket and the entire solomeness of
the whole ordeal. The first time I felt real pain over death ,
was my freshman year in high school, when a car accident killed a
boy I knew a block away from school. I went into shock and a dull
numbness, I will never forget that moment when it was announced.
--That first time, how it happened was
I think my first experience with death was the death of my Great
Grandmother, who I knew, but more of the I see you a couple times
a year, kind of knowing, I think I was only 6 or 7
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The entire shock of it all, this is my cousin's death, we got a
call 9 hours after the accident, that there had been an accident,
but were not told that one of the four in the jeep had died, and
then we talked to her sister, from the hosptial and she told us,
they were a State away. Everyone was in shock, and my Grandad cried,
I have never seen him cry, and that shook me to the core.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to fear it so much, and most importantly how to help others
through their pain of loss, to listen to others and be there for
them when they are grieving, in the first 10 minutes and the next
10 years. Everyone avoids talking about Death, and that is totally
ridiculous, it is a natural process that everyone ever born in this
world goes through, the living needs to get over the total social
block that death causes!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
For my cousin's death, that through a long process that took
over 9 months that I found God again, and for real, and for life.
Also that I know that every moment of life should be lived to the
fullest and always say I love you, don't put it off till tomorrow,
say it today
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Time and deep thought, reflection, introperspective of my heart
and the thoughts of this person in heaven above me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The total pain of having a big whole ripped in your heart, you feel
so empty, and nothing for awhile will fill it up, you feel so alone,
and you miss that person beyond words, you think about all the plans
you had made and the future you were going to have with them, and it
all is there, and then in a split second it is all gone, you simply
lose apart of yourself, a part you will never get back or replace
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
My grandfather died a year ago of Luekemia, and the important thing
was to make sure that he knew that we were there, by touching him
and making sure we told him that we loved him
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
made it, I surrived, and they can too, it takes alot of work,
and you have to let people help you, from those you love the most
to maybe even a pyschologist, and personally, I found God through
this death, and that is a story to tell for the rest of my life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
That I knew in my heart that she was in heaven, because there is no
where else she could be, but that I was so Mad at God for taking
her from me, that I denied his existance, and by denying that,
I was denying Heaven, and denying her.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
The first afternoon after I recieved news of the accident and her
death, I went over to a friends house to escape my house and all
the calls, and we watched a movie and I found myself laughing much
more than I would have normally, and for the first time after 12-15
hours, I felt alive again, and my pain was eased for the moment.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say goodbye, tell her one more time that I loved her, hug her one
more time, see her sparkling eyes, share a laugh, tell her not
to have gone up on the Mountian that day. Also, seeing her body
after she died, that would have made it much more real for me,
istead of walking around "I don't see her dead, so she is not dead"
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Get though the memorial, because it was a couple of weeks later,
due to circumanstances, and I had cried and cried, so I was much
stronger when I offically had to say goodbye, and unoffically I am
never going to say goodbye, cause how do you tell a part of your
heart goodbye?!
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The whole officalness of the service, the sermon part, the dark
clothes, the traditons are there to hold on to, because you don't
have anything else to hold on to, and they help to get you through
the process, but sometimes they cloud the real issue, that everyone
at the funeral is feeling some of the same things.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a certian song, I see someone from the back that looks like
her, or I hear a certian laugh, holidays are always hard, and the
actual day of the death, although I thought that was going to be
very difficult, and was scared to face that day, but it was just
a normal day.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I am in college, so I would say my GPA would be better, because this
happened a week before my freshman year, away from home in college.
We would be calling and writing each other, sharing are life, and
being in college, I would still be a little more innocent, a little
more less aware of the pain that life causes. Although I might not
have found God again yet, and I might be a lot worse off. And she
might also have been now, if she had not died, at least I know she
is in a wonderful place and with the man she loved the most, God.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Fairness is a big thing, why this person and not that one, why now,
they had so much going for them and now...nothing, how could God do
this, Is there a God that would allow this, Why not me? Was it
pre-set, that on this date at this time, this person is to die,
no matter where they are or what they are doing, and even do they
take "others" down with them, or is it just random, or it by your
actions, something you cause
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
See her, even for a few moments, touch her. Also, that all the
pain and emptiness would be gone, that I would never ever have to
feel it, and that I would never have to remeber that day.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
after the intial shock and the repeating out loud and in my head of
the "No, No's", I cried and cried, and it took a couple days for
the schock and denial to wear off, and then emotional weariness
and a deep saddness filled me, and even though I knew I had to go
on with daily life, I fought it, but life always wins over death,
at least this time!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Even though personally I was very angry with God, and her death
broke the camels back, I still had to go through the religious part
of the service.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
That since everyone ever alive, dies, it is the common bond between
everyone.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was glad to see so many touched by her in her short life, but I was
also angry, why could it not have been just family and close friends,
let those paying their "respects" come at another time, that was
a time for us, for her inner circle of people to say goodbye.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
For my grandfather who died of Luekemia, he died two days after
Christmas, so right after holidays, they seem to hang on till
after the holidays, A greyness, in the skin and eyes, a peaceful
understanding that you can see in them, and a feeling of weight,
hanging around the "room", I knew when I stepped in the hosptial
room, that he was never going to leave it, and that was a week
before he died, and I knew this by taking one look at him, and
feeling the heaviness that had settled in that room.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Saying your I Love Yous, and a will, that is important with older
people
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Talking to them, out loud or in your mind.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Not every day, but I still talk to my cousin, and anything to do
with angels reminds me of her, in my family we now give each other
angels, for christmas, for birthdays, for any reason at all, giving
"Shelli" to each other
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Altough I did not answer all the questions, due to time constraints,
it helped me to focus all these ideas and thoughts that I have
floating around in my head, and center them into a few universal
ideas.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I have found that giving a "play by play" of the death, when it is
a sudden thing, like an accident has helped me alot, also you might
want to put in a question or two about the suddeness of some deaths,
and not just focusing on the deaths caused by long term things.
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Thu Jan 29 14:47:10 1998
F25 in beverly hills, fl =usa=
Name: Cat
Email: <marvinH-at-Mailserver.Fiber-net.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: CNA --Sophomore-Psych. major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 11yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 72.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
nothing...darkness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was not very affected as I barely knew my grandmother
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my maternal grandmother died when I was 7
... I was not close at all to her
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
emptiness without my father
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to prolong it as in keeping a person alive in a nursing home
with tubes etc.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
unfortunately in my father's death I did not get much if any support
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not saying good bye
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter seems to relieve the extreme stress of the death
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say good bye & I love you
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
all the friends/relatives that show up after a death that the
deceased hadn't seen for 10 or 20 years...why didn't they see the
person when he or she was alive
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see pictures or hear my mother's stories, or see a movie similar
to my fathers death
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My live would have been totally different, I probably would not be
married to the same person, it probably would have been worse
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
something to my mother, but after my father died (he was very active
in the church) most of the other members forgot that my mother &
I existed
--Regarding MONEY:
there was very little money & my mother went deep into debt
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would hope it will be quick
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
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Thu Jan 29 14:44:35 1998
F40 in , MI =USA=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 yrs. ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 72.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
knowing you'll never see someone you love again and learning to
live without them.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was glad it wasn't someone that I was very close to.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My great-grandmother died after a short time
in a nursing home.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the anguish of the unexpected news.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
there is not a schedule to grieve to.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it brought the rest of the family together if only for a short while.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband and daughter's support.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing I will not see her again.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was to relieve the stress.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend the time I did.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
who got what.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear about baseball, deer hunting, and see Christmas lights.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It wouldn't be any difference, just a continuation of our
relationship.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
but then I think would it be fair if anyone else died instead? And
who would I chose.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to her one more time.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
her doctor was an idiot.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no hospice involved
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding MONEY:
greedy
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
we were glad they were there. It is good to know that she meant
enough to them that they came.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the feeling that I could still call or see her. Like it was unreal.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
nothing would help make it easier.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no unresolved issues, I just miss her like crazy.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
just talking to her in case she can hearlooking
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
looking at Christmas lights doing for other people keeping an
eye on my Dad love of nature
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
My grandmother on my Dad's side owned a nursing home and we were
there a lot.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Thu Jan 29 12:50:03 1998
Anonymous Guest in Gardner, Massachusetts =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Working it Through; On Death and Dying; Living w/Death and Dying; When Bad Things Happen to Good
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Kubler-Ross; H. Kushner
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Lover, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: ; Aged: 45.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
inevitable. It is part of living, but we as humans fear it.
My favorite quotation by Toynbee is "Death is UnAmerican." We feel
the need to cheat death and escape it rather than seeing it as a
natural process.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad and afraid. I didn't know what to do, and couldn't grasp
the concept of never seeing my grandmother again. I was also angry
at her for leaving me, and while I look back on this I'm ashamed
to say angry at her because she was buried on my 7th birthday.
I'm 36 now and cannot celebrate a birthday without thinking of my
grandmother's funeral.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my parents got a phone call from my uncle
saying my grandmother was ill. We were "thrown" into the care and
raced 45 miles to her house, only to see a hearse parked out front.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not crying. I'm not sure why. I was numb, but it was also expected.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
we are all going to die. Let's treat it as a natural process,
not something to be feared. Let's talk about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
is that when my other grandmother died...before she died she was able
to tell me that she loved me. Her only words to each of my sisters
and my mom and dad (separately) was that she loved us. Truly a gift.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
letting myself grieve
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
dealing with overwhelming feelings of sadness.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
Being told not to cry about it. The "get over it" attitude from
family...suffer in silence.
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Thu Jan 29 08:01:59 1998
F22 in Virginia Beach, Virginia =United States=
Name: Elissa Eldridge
Email: <mee400z-at-mail.odu.edu>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Undergraduate in Psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 72?.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandmother had cancer for many years and
she finally died when I was 16 years old. It was very hard for me
to deal with because her son, my uncle had died a year before that..
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Thu Jan 29 07:24:01 1998
F30 in Leesville, Louisiana =U.S.A=
Name: Julie Buck
Email: <buck-at-worldnetla.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Researching a paper for school
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Prof/Studies: Criminal Justice
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: heart disease, diabetes, athsma, emphazima; Aged: 61.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a way of passing on to a better life--different from what we used
to have here on this planet.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasn't sure what was going on. No one explained the reason why my
grandpa was laying in this box with a flower in his hand--I kept
waiting for him to sneeze because he had allergies really bad.
Thing is, he never did and I was confused.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather died when I was about 8 years old--it was the first
funeral I went to with my parents.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the way my mothers family--sisters, brothers, and her mother--has
forgotten about us. It is like we don't want to have anything
to do with me and my brothers. I guess that when my mom died,
we also died along with her.
--What I think my (U.S.A) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It can happen to anyone, at anytime, anywhere--no one is exempt
from dying because of the way of life they chose to lead.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That my brothers wouldn't do anything till I got there. I live
1200 miles away from where my mother died and they trusted me to
handle things properly. Maybe they felt that way because I had to
plan my son's funeral in 1989-- but I am glad that they knew that
they could count on me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
those people who loved my mother for who she was--not for the
things she did. And the fact that I was the last person she had
spoken to before she died--I did get to tell her that I loved her
and missed her.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
picking up the phone, dialing her number, and having some stranger
answer "her" phone. I don't have anyone to call with my problems
and have had to learn to deal with things on my own without the
support of my mom.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
never dwelled on all the bad things that my mother did. He family
does and I can't. I also have learned that life is too short to
worry about what others think of you or what your parents have
done in their lives. I loved my mom and I know that she loved me.
One of my moms' sisters was not on speaking terms when mom died.
At the funeral home, she came to me and said that she wished that
they could have made up before she died. Well, I told her that
she still could ask for forgiveness but I am no the one she needed
to see to make up for the wrong she did onto my mother. I am not
my mom and in order for her to make peace with my mom, she thought
that she could go thru me--and I told her that she needed to go to
my moms grave and ask for the forgiveness that she seeks.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the paremedics came to her home to pick her up and take he to the
hospital for an autopsy. The treated her with so much disrespect and
unkindness. I was so mad when I found out about they way they teased
a dead person about the clothes they had on. This may not pertain
to the death process but to me--it has something to do with it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It is good to laugh--it is a reflection of how that person affected
you and your life along with those around you.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
give my mom the opportunity to meet my daughter before she
died. Pictures are worth a thousand words but person to person can
be worth millions!!!!
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk to her about the super bowl--football being her favorite
sport--and hearing the excitement about Green Bay winning it.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we had to choose a minister to speak at her funeral. My mom wasn't a
church going person and that didn't matter to this minister. He took
the time to get to know each of us kids and then he talked to the
grandkids--trying to get a feel for what kind of person she was.
The minister made us laugh at the funeral--which took the edge off
of the moment--easing us all and loosening us up.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
staying at my moms house--even though that is where she died.
It is home to us all and it only seemed right to stay there. Others
thought it was eerie and strange that we would want to stay there.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my four year old son asks if a particular cloud in the sky is
his grandma. What do you say??
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I can't think about that because the reality is that she is gone
and I cannot bring her back. I live for memories and I thank God
every day for giving us a brain that has the capacity to remember
the good things--along with the bad--about that person and the life
that they led.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to her one more time or even see her again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wanted to find someone to blame for all of her heart problems,
and the stress she had in her life. I realize that it happened
because it was time for her to go.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing at the time. But I reflected back on what I was taught
when I was attending church. That really helped me a lot.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
releiving--knowing that there is a place that is better than what
we have here on earth.
--Regarding MONEY:
everyone else worried about how we--my brothers and I--were going
to pay for this $7,000 + funeral.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the way my mothers family treated us at the time of the funeral
and the events leading up to the funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
not being able to find out what hospital the paramedics took my
mother to.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
stress
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no regrets about anything that was or wasn't done or said.
I am at peace with my mom and am confident that she felt the
same way.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I think that Reality is important--this cannot happen so I don't
even think about it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am reminded of something a college professor once told me--at the
time my son died. " if God handed us a script of how our lives were
supposed to be and how we were to deal with lifes ups and downs,
most of us would never leave the house. Do what you want and feel
how you want to feel--ask for forgiveness when the time is right."
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I don't have a book of any sort that reveals my heritage or other
relatives that I never had the opportunity. I decide to go to the
various cemetaries in the area of my home town and take pictures of
those who I know I am realated to. I made a photo album of those
and then called various relatives asking them to give me some back
ground on them. Now I not only know that they are family but I
know enough about them to reflect on their death and the life they
once had. This is something I will be able to pass on to my two
children--especially since they really never knew my mom and those
others who have died.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
My mother was an extrovert--not caring what others thought of her
and not trying to impress others. I am/was the opposite. My mother
never stayed mad at any one for a long period of time. I am/was
the opposite. I now have change the way I think about others and
am not afraid to tell it like it is. I realized that it is not a
good thing to dwell on something that is of no importance at all
to you or to anyone else. I don't get mad and stay mad--tomorrow
may not meet with sunlight and blue skies but at least I know that
I didn't say something to someone that was a "fib" in order to stay
on their good side. Get mad, get over it--that is my motto.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It felt good to be able to voice myself. I try to talk to my moms
family about her death and they avoid the topic--and I am not
sure why. But being able to say what is on my mind is and will
always be helpful to me.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Jan 29 07:21:36 1998
F25 in Fort Wright, KY =USA=
Name: Laura
Email: <bblevins-at-dpsciences.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3.5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack(second one); Aged: 60.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the ultimate farewell passage
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to fully comprehend its reality
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather passed away in my early
childhood.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my younger brother's intense reaction to the scene
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to cope and how to grieve without others inflicting guilt on
anothers coping strategies
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the death of my father enabled my brothers and I to turn our lives
out of the unhealthy mentality we were taught by the deceased
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself and my strong desire to overcome the negativity that the
deceased instilled in my life
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
suddenly being faced with a totally independent lifestyle,
financially
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to find good in his passing although grief did strike,
and turn an ugly situation into a not-so-bad experience and learning
process
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
two years later the grief snuck up on me again,suddenly
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it felt great--a perfect release of a good feeling which is entirely
fine even in the midst of a bad situation
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
make my life happier and healthier with his passing
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I watched his lifeless body being wheeled out of the house in which
we lived
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
nothing, it all mattered in the sense that all that took place
during the death experience made it all that it was
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I drink too much and talk about my childhood with this angry man
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
well, I would still be living in a nightmare--and much less happy
and free
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I had to learn so darn suddenly everyhting about being
independent without any support of any sort
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
nothing!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
ended my tears to focus on the funeral arrangements and my younger
brother and my father's mother
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
waiting and more waiting--the only medical person encountered in this
experience was the coroner and he must have had a hard time awaking
at midnight seeing as we waited over an hour for the official(yet
unneeded)pronunciation of death
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a long funeral mass
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
sorry, do not like this one
--Regarding MONEY:
the funeral cost more than a fortune and the debts left us thankfully
were eventually fofetited
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it really did make me feel good that so many people showed up at
the funeral home
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
picking out something to put in the casket with my father and when
the time came for me to do so, I could barely lift my hand to just
throw them inside
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nope
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
my father was an angry and emotionally unhealthy man and these
feeling affected the lives of all his children greatly and
differently--it is important to watch and catch myself and my
brothers when one of us begins to show his temper or his poor
attitude and outlook on life so that we may dicontinue and discard
this streak of ways of living
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
when i do catch myself dreaming in this way, I dream about hearing
my father say that he is or was ever proud of me and my brothers
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
do not fully understand this one, sorry
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
it is inevitable so while i am here i will make te best of who i
am and what i have and i think we all should focus on that rather
than on death
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I simply sat back and allowed all the tears to flow and kept in mind
that the higher power knew what was best and allowed for it to occur
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
my father is dead yet a part of him will always remain in me and
knowing this helps me to learn more about what made him him and
what makes me me by being aware of the not so great characteristic
traits he showed and being aware of these same issues in my own
daily life
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
the experience was just fine- not too gruesome! It did make me
realize that I am getting along just fine!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jan 27 12:32:56 1998
F25 in Waynesboro, Virginia =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: college-teaching certified
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 mo. ago.
Cause of Death: multi-organ failur; Aged: 51.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the body dies and the soul, the essence of the person, goes
to Heaven
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 21. My father died unexpectedly
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mother was admite into the hospital because
she was lathargic. She was in UVA for 2 1/2 mo.All the while the
dr's thought she'd come home but deep down i knew she wouldnt.
All of her organs began to shut down so, with much thought, I
decided to take her off life support.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
pain, the most God awful pain imagianable. To the point that it
hurts so deeply i cant think about it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that the pain of loosing a loved one has no end. You just learn
to deal with it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my brother and i spoke
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband and friends. Counceling helped too
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the finality of it. It is harder now then it was 4 mo. ago.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
telling my mom that no matter what happend, everything would be ok
and that me and my brother would be ok.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found the strength to face each day. Loosing my mom was my greatest
fear and i am facing my fear and living day to day.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
about 3 or 4 weeks after my mom died. The impact of her loss began
to sink in.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i had so much on me and i was so involved in grieving i needed to
do something that seemed normal. It helped me deal with the stress.
I even felt guilty about laughing
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
ask her why she lied to me about so much of her life
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
rely on my aunt for having the family gather at her house. she took
care of all of it.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my husband held my hand when my mom passed on.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
putting things in her casket
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my daughter, out of the clear blue will say that she misses grandma.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My mom and I would still be arguing about what is right for me and
how i am living is wrong. there would be pressures to spend all
of my time there. My brother and I would probably still be arguing.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I felt that at 25 both my parents are dead and that all of my
friends have BOTH their parents. It makes me angry and i wonder
why things had to be the way they are.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go numb
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried and cried and got then got angery and then cried
some more. I feel that I have not accepted her death completly. I
dont think i am ready to. I really avoid thinking about it because
it hurts too much.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the staff at the hospital was very supportive. I felt like they
understood what i was going through. I never felt awarked when
crying.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
does not apply
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
my religious beliefs helped a lot.
--Regarding MONEY:
my mom died poor and social services helped to pay her burial
service. she died with nothi
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
knowing her body was in that casket. the funeral was a blur
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how i got angry about the past, before she was sick
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
mom knew she was going to die before the doctors knew. Listen to
what the person is saying. Mom knew much sooner than anybody else
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
that first night my mom was admited we almost lost her. She didnt
know it until later but she did say that she saw my dad. She said
it looked like he was waving to her, urging her to go to him.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
When my aunt was getting ready to die she would often have
conversations with her deceased husband and mother.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
when i moved out my mom lied about me and my husband. She tried to
turn others against me including the other family members. i know
why she did it but she never appoligized for it. the best i can
do is talk to my husband. i see a counceler now and then also.
i have read books about co-dependents which is what i am and my
mom was a controling co-dependent. Better understanding her helps
me get over the anger.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I know that she loves me and always did.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
the rights and wishes of a dying party should be respected and
followed through
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
reading the cards mom gave me. It feels like she is still here
when i read them. Its like she is talking to me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
i had a great support system and my religious beliefs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
I also have some guilt
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jan 27 11:56:44 1998
F39 in Houston, Texas =US=
Name: Elizabeth
Email: <rhiannon-at-flash.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Mother and homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: pancreatic cancer; Aged: 70.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
And end to this material world and the beginning of a new journey
of learning
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in shock and felt like my whole world changed
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My Grandmother died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The suffering that my Mother had to endure and how much I wanted my
Father to let her go. I think the fact that he held on to her for
so long is what coused her to suffer so long. Also how the medical
profession does not respect the natural prosses of dying. The
worst part of my Mothers death was the arrogance of people in the
profession. They thought that they knew what was best, but in the
long run they were just making themselves feel like they had control
of the whole situation.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To help the person who is going through it to listen and comfort
the person in all ways, not just medically
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My Mother is not suffering any more.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My Husband that I am married to now. My husband at the time was
not that helpful. Also my own beliefs.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching her suffer.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't assume that other people, such as medical staff can take
care of your loved one as well as you canor that they will. And
that the small things that you can do are just as important for
you to do as it is for the person that you are doing it for.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Did survive the whole ordeal with out losing my mind.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
All the doctors but one wanted to take my Mother off of life
support. She had been kept alive for 9 weeks and sufferd beyond
any of our comprehenshion. Just doesn't make since to me. She
had had so much suffering for 9 months and now at the very end,
why was the inevitable prolong for so long?
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be with my Mother at the time she passed on.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Nothing went better than I ever imagined possible. I am thankful
that I was able to help to take care of my Mother as much as I
could. Oh there is one thing that did happen that I'm thankful
for. My Mother was pretty much in a coma or really out of it and
could not talk for the 9 weeks she was in ICU but the day before she
died, the last time I saw her, she became coherent and very clear
of mind. She looked at me and mouthed the words I love you and held
my hand. Before that she was in so much pain and out of her head she
couldn't stand to be touched. That was a gift from God and my Mother.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I never feel like I'm over it. I just deal with it better. I feel
very close to my Mother and have felt her around me and have talked
to her and she has talke dback to me. Assuring me that she does not
want me to focus on her proscess of passing over and has assured
me that she is alive and well and feels my pain when I focus only
on her suffering and not on how she is doing now.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I believe I wouldn't be quite the person that I am today. I have
grown with the experiance that I lived through.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Of coarse we always have that feeling at one time or another,
but life is about learning and the best life lessones come from
the hardest things we have to deal with in life, like death of a
loved one.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Go back and relive all the great times I had with my Mom.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Disgust
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Unfortunatally I didn't get to have that experiance. My Mother would
have loved to die at home, and kept asking to go home while she
was in the hospital, but there was to much denial on the part of my
Father. He just couldn't believe that she was going to die, all the
way up untill the end when we had to take her of of the resporater
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Church meant nothing to me. It was my own beliefs that helped me
through it.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
We are all part of the same "God" Spirit. We are all linked togeather
through Love. We are all pure in spirit and given choice in life
to learn or not to learn. Life is about spiritual learning.
--Regarding MONEY:
It didn't have much of an effect on anything.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How relieved I felt that the suffering was all over. I was happy to
see friends and family there. I was impressed how well the funeral
home handled everthing.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I'm not aware that she had this experience, but I had a feeling of
my Grandmother, her Mother being there at certain times.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I have had that conversation. My Mother told me to remember that
she is alive and well and not to focus on the suffering that she
had to go through.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think that you should make it very well known how you feel about
your wishes and what they are.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I feel confidant that I would be going to a better place and that
my loved ones who are there will be there for me. I know that I
will feel very sad about leaving all my loved ones. And pray that
I have a very quick death process and be able to tell my loved ones
how much I will miss them and how much I love them.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I talked to my Mother and listen with my heart. I know she hears me
and I have heard her. My Mother and Grandmother have both visited
me in my dreames to comfort me or just to show me there love.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I try to meditate and listen more carfully to my higherself
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think that it is good to be able to sit down and write out just
how you feel and what you think. It's just like having some one
listen and that's all.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Jan 26 20:57:23 1998
F46 in santa barbara, ca =usa=
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just looking for psychological information for my college courses
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, two weeks ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 81.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A passing from one phase of existence into another. It is that
state whereby we exist only in the memories of others. A time when
our life, as we know it, becomes a new form of energy. A time when
we get to see ones we loved who have died.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
thought they would be coming back. My grandfather had died and
they were burying him. I had kissed him and he felt cold to me.
I was 8 years old. Then I went to the cemetery and saw the coffin
going into the ground. I was very sad and confused.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather, whom I called Poppie died
when I was about 8 years old. I thought he was going to wake up
but when I saw the coffin being lowered into the ground I knew he
was not coming back.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
her memories and the fun we had when she was here. I got to see
her brfore she died and she was ready to die. She wanted to die to
escape the pain she was experienceing. I wished I could help her,
but all I could tell her was that she was going to a wonderful place.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
We need to have a holiday, like the Mexican tradition of El Dia
de los Muertos where they honor loved ones who have died. They do
not forget them, but remember them for a two day period. There is
a celebration of their life. We need to do that in this country.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My friend who passed away did not suffer in pain for an extended
amount of time.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Having dreamed about the place I call Heaven. It is a truly
wonderful place. I have seen entities who have let my know that it
was not my time yet when I was about to have one of my beloved pets
put to sleep. They gave me comfort. And one of my best friends upon
her death came to me in a dream and told me that she wass happy and
she was in a nice place. I had the distinct impression of a city
with people and nice places to live. I have since visited her in
Heaven, and it seems just like the street where she used to live.
I know in my heart that there is some kind of existence after death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not having them around to talk to me and witness some of the things
that have been my happiness over the past few years.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let your face be the last thing that your loved one sees before
they leave. They have given you their love, and although it may
be hard, it is harder for them. Let them see your face and let
them know you will be ok.
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was aware that she was going to die because of a dream that I had.
I was able to speak to her many times before she dies. I was able
to tell her how much I loved her. Don't wait until a person is
not here anymore---tell them you love them now---do nice things
for them while they are here.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
This business of doing autopsies. I think it is immoral to cut
up the body like that and fill in the cavity with stuff. I don't
understand that---just have the body cremated and respect the person.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was remembering the fun times we had and some of the things we
did that was enjoyable.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
See her before she died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have a dream a few months before she died. I was able to talk to
her on the phone. While I never let her know that I had had the
dream, I didn't waste any time. I spoke to her often.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I received her treasured brooch from her family. People see the
pin and comment on it, but it isn't that special to them. To me,
it is more precious than gold.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
That they put her in an open coffin. I knew that she did not
want that.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at her picture. It was taken when I had gone back to
visit her. It also comes when I have a happy occasion which I
would have liked her to share with me, on her birthday or on the
anniversary of her death.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would be similar but vastly better. There would be no pain and
our bodies and minds would be free to wander the universe.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That there has to be so much pain that we cannot help the person die.
I would never let my beloved pets suffer, let I would be helpless
if a loved one of mine was terminal. Sometimes the pain medication
doesn't work. And sometimes the medical community doesn't want
the person to "become addicted" to the medication!!! Give them
the medicine to alleviate the pain.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk to her for a few minutes and share my past experiences.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried for hours and hours. I can still cry when I think about her,
but I dream of her many times so I am not lonely anymore.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The medical communuity need to have more empathy.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Not very much at all. I have my own spiritual beliefs that don't
meld with any organixzed religion.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
this is uniquely different to each person.
--Regarding MONEY:
n.a.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
n.a.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Looking at the body. I would have rather remembered her full
of life. Show a video of her laughing and smiling or working in
the garden.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I really don't know. I knew she was going to die, or that I would
never be able to see her again. But I don't know how I knew that.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I saw her in a dream waving good-bye to me. I knew that I would
never see her again. Then I was aware of the entities who showed
me visions of life, but told me that I could not go beyond the door
that was ahead of me.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I was swimming in the Atlantic ocean and was pulled under a rip tide.
I saw myself tumbling over the bottom. I could see it happening.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
n.a.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Unable to say, but I would love to be able to tell her about my
graduation this June.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
what you want to be done with your possessions.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
no.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
The Mexican Dia de los Muertos where I put up momentos of my loved
ones who have died and celebrate their life and waht they have
given to me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
n.a.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
writing about in in my college years and remembering his love for me
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Passage of Time
american culture and the way we tuck those that died away forever
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Mon Jan 26 18:25:20 1998
M20 in aberystwyth, ceridigion =Wales=
Name: Rollason
Email: <mjr5-at-aber.ac.uk>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
just looking at interesting topics and found this.
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Prof/Studies: student (Microbiology)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: dying; Aged: 70.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a changing of states from earthly to heavanly.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really know what it was and wasn't to bothered about it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... Grandad.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
emotional pain on those around me.
--What I think my (Wales) culture needs to better learn about death is:
the bible explains it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
god
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing others being sad.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Mon Jan 26 11:31:20 1998
F27 in Arlington, Virginia =USA=
Name: Cate Harrington
Email: <charring-at-basics.org>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Searching Yahoo for tests
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Prof/Studies: Computer Support Tech
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 11 ago.
Cause of Death: Stomach cancer; Aged: 76.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Missing the person who is gone forever, even as the memory gets
fainter, and wishing you could see them again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was standing in a mini-mall on the phone since the phone in the
house was broken, crying really hard, with people walking around me,
no one even stopping to see if I was ok.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Nonna (grandmother) died when I was 13. I had been very
close to her. She had cancer and I had just been to see her with
my mother. It was during the school year, so I wasn't allowed to
stay very long, but I really thought I would get to see her again.
No one realized how quickly she would go. I spent most of the week
after she died crying, either alone or with my mother.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The way everyone stopped speaking about Nonno after such a short
while, as though everyone were supposed to be over it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To talk about it. To allow people to grieve openly and talk about
it as much as they want, without feeling that they are a "burden"
to others. To scream and cry together at a wake-like ritual.
We're too quiet about our emotions. No bawling in public, just a
tear here and there or the "quiet tears streaming down the face" bit.
I think it would be better to scream and howl and cry over the body.
Keen and wail.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That my Nonno didn't have to miss my Nonna anymore. He really
didn't like being alive without her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I had terrific support from my mother, we gave each other support.
I got into a lot of fights with my friends and people at school
because they didn't understand why a grandfather dying was a "big
deal." I had one woman tell me that her cat had died when she was
a kid and make comparisons. I know she was only trying to relate,
but, sheesh!
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Missing them so terribly.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
My mother and I spent about 6 months laughing and crying alternately.
I think they both feel good (and you get kind of the same thing
out of them).
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
No regrets. My family has always been very straightforward.
I do wish my Nonna had made it to my next birthday (we shared the
birthdate), but I suppose I would have felt the same way about the
next and the next birthday.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
My mother starts to cry, or we have a joint memory.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If my Nonno were alive I wouldn't smoke. I think he would have
killed me himself rather than let the tar do the job. I might have
ended up taking over the family business, instead of my mother's
selling it... I don't know for sure, but he was a real patriarch.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
There are so many nasty people walking around who live into their
nineties and beyond and my wonderful, kind, Grandmother died at 67.
It's not fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Change the ending.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Die at home.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
We are atheists.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Loss. All cultures and religions feel loss.
--Regarding MONEY:
My mother was able to buy a house, which might not have happened
otherwise. It's an odd thing to think of financial security
depending on someone's death.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The stories people told (and that I told), and the family being
together.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Actually hearing that the person had died. It has a fuzzy quality
to it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Not likely.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I dream about my Grandparents sometimes. My Nonno came back in my
dream once just to tell me he loved me. I think I really needed
to hear that from him during that period of my life--I was really
missing him.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I had an operation about 4 years ago and shortly after that, I had
the first complete "vision" of my own mortality. I was so scared
that first time, seeing myself old and dying, and realizing that no
matter how old I get, I'm still going to die, that I went into my
bedroom and hid under my covers. I've had some time to get used to
the notion now, and while it doesn't terrify me in quite the same
way, I can't say that I've gotten used to it either. Fact is,
I don't want to die, and I don't want to live forever either.
Kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I mostly smelled things they had owned. I wanted to remember
clearly and smell always helps me remember clearly.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I always talk to people about their loved one's deaths unless they
specifically say they don't want to talk about it. I don't ever
pretend it didn't happen.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
Talking to people and remembering were important to me too, but
they usually led to crying.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
Not so much friends as schoolmates, and partly I believe it was due
to a lack of basic understanding on their part and taboos as well.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I've actually done a lot of thinking on this subject, but it was
an interesting review, and it was interesting to see what kinds of
questions you asked.
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Mon Jan 26 09:28:17 1998
M49 in mexico city, D.F. =mexico=
Name: gabriel ortiz gomez
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Prof/Studies: psychologist
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
on death and dying. and other tittles.
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
kubler ross elisabeth. linn, mathew and dennid and fabricant, sheila.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 14yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a car accident; Aged: about 55.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like a long and good trip without restrictions in time or space.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
feel alone and astonished. i feel pity for the two people involved
and for myself.it was when i was 2 years old.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...an accident.i was about 2 years old. two druk
persons in the stret were fighting and one of them killed the other
with a bottle of glass.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that death is not insurmountable.
--What I think my (mexico) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that love is higher and deeper than death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my mother's death and the fact i survived the car accident
give to me the strenght to live.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
chat with Jesus. i went daily to the chapel to cry, to ask and to
pacify myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that i was alone and the only one capable of help the injured people
in the car.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to talk with them about dying. to help them to say good bye. to
tell them we are there and 'inside' their pain and suffering.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
had overcome that.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was asking why does this happens to me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
allowed myself the freedom to feel.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
it had been a complex process. i see it nom like a gradual encounter
with god.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
at that age i was not conscious of fear. that is something i
discovered in many years.
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Mon Jan 26 09:05:19 1998
F17 in Brampton, ONTARIO =Canada=
Name: Michelle Cochrane
Email: <huny17-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: High school student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 45.
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--Death Is:
the end of life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
denied it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...that it was my friends mother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the crying and the sense of loss
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death is the end of contacct with the person
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it puts people out of their pain
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing the person die in front of me
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to hold there hand and say nice things
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
saw death first hand
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was in denial
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i needed to feel happy
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye and recieve a response
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
hold his hand and say goodbye
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt confused
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Mon Jan 26 00:01:08 1998
F19 in singapore, =singapore=
Name: schaw
Email: <schaw-at-mailexcite.com>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
dark side of thw web
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Prof/Studies: unedergraduate
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 83.
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--Death Is:
the point where the human body stops functioning. it could be due to
natural degeneration due to sickness and old age. unnatural causes
include accidents, harmful injury.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was numb.
--That first time, how it happened was
grandfather dying of cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that evryone else around was ccrying but i wasn't
--What I think my (singapore) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to shroud it with taboo and superstition.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
termination of suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being alone, having quiet to myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
guilt at not bbeing at deathbed
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
show them you care, in all possible ways. if you can't be there
physically, call, or relay messages, send support, etc.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
confusion over my feelings. i was totally blocked from how i was
feeling; there was pressure from everyone else over how i should
feel, eg copious weepping
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
n/a
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
grow up with my grandfather.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get on wiht life
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the funeral service
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
something reminds me of the lost presssence.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i have no ideea. hte possibilities ar eendless.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i was not allowed to be at his hospital bedside just cause i was
little and EVERYONE was there.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
n/a
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
withdrew
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing, nothing at all except further promote the taboos and
stupiudity that blind.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a creative-destructive process, yin of the yang. the earth
unfolding as it normallly does.
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
n/a
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
taking part in ritauls htat had no personal resonance for me.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
none. each death is peculiar to itself.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
it seems more to be generated by the self's own psyche as a way
of balancing the painful processes, to stop the person form going
round hte bend.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i hope ypou are fine where ever you are. i never meant not to be
there for you. i hope you are well.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
communication. not to project what you believe of others on to them.
not to let that cloud reality.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i'v enever had much qualms about the thought that i myself may die,
say the next second or something. i suppose that's cause i take
a philosopphical view of it; that there's a turn fo reveryone
to return to the dust from where we came from [not rooted in any
religion or belief].
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
intersting, never had to thnk in such a concrete and sequential
way about it. brought to view what i sort of already knew,
but in sharper focus.
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Sun Jan 25 20:48:58 1998
M29 in Rolla, MO =USA=
Name: Scott
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Librarian
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 12 ago.
Cause of Death: aortic aneurysm; Aged: 46.
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--Death Is:
The end of our existance, we don't now if something is beyond it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
couldn't handle it. I remember clearly the girl I had a crush on
(thought it was love) who wouldn't talk to me, then called to see
if I was ok. She couldn't see me that night becasue she had to go
to church with her family (supposedly) but would see me tomorrow.
The next day she said she had changed her mind and was goin out
with her boyfriend. Six weeks later she broke up and expected me
to start going out with her. Two years later I looked her up to try
to bury any hard feelings, and was treated like crap all over again.
I've never forgiven her.
--That first time, how it happened was
My father died when I was 17, from a rupture aneurysm. It was a
complete surprise, and my life was totally changed afterwards. I saw
him die in front of me, which was a great shock. Thereafter followed
several years of difficulties and continuing fighting with my mother.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The most recent was my grandmother. I just remember the petty
bickering over her money, how her children (my mother and aunts
and uncles) hadn't liked her, and my older cousins going out and
getting drunk that night.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to assume everyone's a Christian and feels the way you do;
telling us we need to to go church can be very insulting if you
don't share the same religious beliefs.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
If I hadn't gone through my father's death I wouldn't have some of
the toughness and resiliency I have now, which I've needed.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
When my fatehr died was the only time I remember people in high
school being nice to me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Growing older and realizing my father wouldn't be there for the
things in my life; getting my bachelor's and master's, starting
new jobs, etc.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
In my case it was traumatic and sudden, had it been slower or we
knew beforehand, I would have told my father I loved him, something
as a teenager I never did.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
That you can overcome almost insurmountable odds, even if the
problems cotninue.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When I started college, six months after. I didn't know what I
was doing there or why, and had enormous problems.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Didn't do that.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know my father better. We were in the middle of the stage
where I was rebelling against authority, wanting to do my own thing.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Doesn't really apply to me. By the time I had finished college
altogether it was several years past his death, I felt I had
struggled to do it all on my own, at the cost of beocming bitter
about many things.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Someone left a card on our doorstep, unsigned. A note of sympathy
from a stranger helped a lot.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Perfect strangers trying to talk to me like they were family.
If you don;t know, don't pretend.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Things get bad, or when people start talking about their families
and I have to say my father has passed away.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think my parents would have gotten divorced. I remember my
father just seemed to be getting tired of my mother, and his life
in general. He worked 60-70 hours a week, slept in his study,
and drove the cheapest cars. He was talking in the last month
about doing something exciting, like buying a Porsche. I think
some of the same traumatic events would have occurred, just later
on or more spread out. I think the girl would turn out the same
regardless because she never cared about me. Changing that would
make her a different person altogether.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
The girl I knew. At the time I had never experienced someone so
shallow. If life were a movie I would have met someone who did
care about me and she would have gone nowhere. Instead I've been
struggling to get by and now she's a successful veterinarian.
I've also had endless years of fighting and arguing with my
mother who seems to have a permanent depression over my father.
Many times I wish she would move on and do something with herself,
since her misery affects both me and my brother.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Leave, change my whole life. Even after 12 years I still feel often
like I'm treading water, my mother seems an anchor of depression and
frustration. I wish I could go somewhere, have a well paying job I
loved, friends I would always be with, a happy marriage anc children.
I don't know if I'll ever have that.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Started to come out of my shell.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
there wasn't anything they could do, the only slue we ahd was my
father had back pains, which he had had before.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
people enforcing their beliefs on me, I ended one friendship because
she insisted on trying to convert me. I don't trust organized
religion and am hostile to it.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Maybe my father, or his spirit or consciousness, lives elsewhere.
But we can never understand death until we die ourselves.
--Regarding MONEY:
my mother became obsessed with money. She put the insurance money
on a trust fund and lives on that, adding figures on a calculator
every night and fretting about interest rates and teh stock market.
Sometimes I feel like telling her to spend all the money so she
won't have to worry about it. My aunt has tried every trick, such
as writing pathetic letters begging for money, to get something from
my mother. Even for my grandmother this aunt took a lot of money.
I would have ditched her a longtime ago but my mother still calls her
and gets involved in her problems, whihc only makes her more upset.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was so cold, in the dead of winter. Everyone was nice and polite,
my mother was the most upset. I remember a family of country people
next door was carrying on so loud they were intruding on our funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
My father didn't look like himself in the casket; his hair was cut
differently and just his general appearance. It was still him,
but didn't look like the way I remembered him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
His hair turned almost completely gray in six months, and in general
he was looking worse. But the real sign was a man who had spent
his entire life with his nose to the grindstone had recently began
talking about doing things just because he wanted to, for the
pleasure of it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he didn't mention anything. Neither did both my grandmothers.
One saw things, but that was mainly due to Alzheimer's.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The major issue is that I never got to know him that well, his
life had been consumed by work. I looked through his papers and
belongings trying to find out more about him, but learned little.
My mother idolizes him, only rarely does she speak objectively
about him. I think this will continue to be unresolved.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I recall a nightmare a few weeks after where in my father appeared
as himself, saying he was back and looing perfectly normal, and I
kept telling him he was dead, he couldn't be here. I've continued
to have dreams that he is still with the family, and in the dreams
it's as if nothing happened. It's good to feel his presence in
this way, but if his spirit is present, I sometimes feel maybe he
needs to move on beyond this life.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would like to feel that I've made a personal connection with
someone, feel that person truly loves me, something I haven't
experienced. I've loved, they haven't loved me. I would also
like to resolved things with my mother although I don't know how.
Otherwise I accept death as being inevitable.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
My hobbies, I invest my time and energy in collecting and restoring
things, from motorcycles to antique guns.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Because of that girl I started becoming distrustful, it's very
hard for me to open up to people or say I love them. Me and my
mother continue to fight, yeat a day or two later she acts like
nothing happened, even though I sometimes think there are things
to talk about.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Death to me is absolute, I don't quesiton it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
A girl I had a crush on in high school was the only person I could
turn to, but rejected me.
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Sat Jan 24 23:21:41 1998
F21 in Northampton, MA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
from Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 74.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an end.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand what was going on.
--That first time, how it happened was
My great-grandmother died when I was four; I didn't know her well
at all. I didn't really understand what was going on, just that
there were a lot of people running around the house.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being numb, many people around, everyone bringing food, staying in
bed and reading.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it can be a graceful end to a life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I'd been away at school for all of that year. A freak accident
brought me home early. Four days later, my grandfather died.
I will always be thankful that I was there when it happened, and
that I had those last four days with him.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends, also family members.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
our family nearly fell apart afterwards.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
This never happened.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my grandfather that I loved him, which I never did.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
as I said, have those four days at home. Also, I was out of the
house when he died, but when I'd left (I'd gone out with friends),
we'd parted amicably--he'd worried about my driving along at
night, etc. Since we fought so often, I'm thankful that this once
we didn't disagree on anything.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I'm not sure I understand this question.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that one should have some loud public display of grief--weeping,
wailing, gnashing of teeth. This just didn't happen.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
well, for example, my grandfather and I used to fight a lot about
my driving. "You drive too fast! You can't back up straight!
Etc. etc.!" So last Christmas, I was in a crowded parking lot,
trying to maneuver into a space. And suddenly I could just hear
my grandfather yelling at me from the other seat, and I just wanted
to burst into tears.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It's hard for me to imagine. He and my grandmother would be living
in a retirement home instead of their house. She has deteriorated
a good bit physically, and I think that would be hard for him to
deal with. I think I'd be a lot more stable, though.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my grandmother was so unprepared for his death.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have a stable family again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
don't know that it ever hit me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
acceptance. He was an old(er) man, with a lot of health problems.
He'd had heart surgery not long before, and that put a lot of stress
on his body (he was diabetic, too). But the surgery had to be done.
I don't think there was much the medical community could have done.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
It was a Catholic funeral, because he was a Catholic. For me,
though, the church didn't do much. I called the church the night
he died, because I felt he would have wanted to have Last Rites.
(They don't mean much to me, but I think he would have wanted them)
The priest said that they really only did Last Rites on someone who
was dying then and there, and assured me piously that my grandfather
would go to Heaven without them. I remember thinking, "I know that!
That's not what I'm talking about!"
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Most cultures see death as a kind of rebirth, and I like that idea.
--Regarding MONEY:
we could pay for the funeral fine, but I HATE FUNERAL HOME PEOPLE.
All the people we dealt with were so slimy/rude. I just remember
walking into the funeral home, looking at all the beautiful
furnishings, and thinking, "Vultures." The estate was something
of a mess, but a good accountant was able to fix that.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
We had a wake-type thing the day before. It actually wasn't as bad
as I expected. The funeral was just weird. I remember little of it,
except that we as tjhe family were treated like some sort of royalty.
When it ended, I was incredibly thirsty, and my main memory is
of going to the rec room-type thing of the church aftewards and
drinking a Coca-Cola which I remember as inordinately delicious.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
all the freaking food in the house!
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
there really weren't any. I mean, he'd been very sick, so I
guess that was enough of a sign in itself. Oddly enough, though,
everyone thought he was getting better. But I'm glad there was no
huge deterioration--my last memories of my grandfather are good ones.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have no idea. I'd like to think, though, that my grandfather was
greeted in heaven by his mother, various lost friends, his son, etc.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think my state of affairs with my grandfather is fine. When I
left to go out that night, I certainly didn't know that I'd never
see him alive again, but I'm happy with the way we left things.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd tell him I loved him, of course, but in a way I imagine it sort
of like a phone call with someone you haven't seen in a while--"How
are you?! What's going on?" I think he'd be curious about my life,
and I'm sure he'd have plenty of suggestions for it. I'm sure he'd
disapprove of parts of it, too, but that's how our relationship was.
For my part, I'd like to ask him about heaven, and how John Langsfeld
is (his best friend, and my favorite of his friends), and that kind
of thing.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Among my grandfather's things we found a Living Will which he'd
made out shortly before his heart surgery. This was surprising
to me, as it included a Do Not Resuscitate order. A DNR violates
several tenets of Catholicism, and I'd thought his beliefs were
fairly strong. But whatever he'd chosen, I'd hope that my family
would have gone with it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My grandfather died almost exactly a month after I'd tried to
commit suicide and nearly succeeded. I was recently in a car
accident that could have ended quite badly but didn't, and this
made me realize that I do, indeed, like my life quite a bit.
If I found out that I had only so long to live, I think I'd
probably be a lot easier to live with--I'd want to be on good
terms with everyone before I went. And, frankly, I'd probably
get a lot more religious.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I went to the gravesite a lot in the immediate few days after
my grandfather's death. He's buried next to my uncle Bill, who
died when he was 18. One thing I remember doing that felt right
was stopping at a florist's on my way over and buying pretty blue
flowers, which I put on both graves. I never met Bill, but it felt
like the right thing to do.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I'm not in the same city as the grave, so I can't keep flowers on
it (or I suppose I could, but not with my present income). But I
think of him a lot--that's a ritual in itself.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
The only person close to me who has died was my grandfather, who
raised me.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
I know both answers are the same, but it's true.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I don't know that it made me re-think, but it certainly made me
think more deeply.
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Sat Jan 24 22:08:57 1998
F15 in , Iowa =United States=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Just went to entertainment and then surveys and polls
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 7 years ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: not sure.
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--Death Is:
when God says it is time for them to go to heaven or hell. Hopefully
heaven. You die because your purpose here on Earth is fulfilled.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Went home and cried because I didn't understand why she was
leaving me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My Grandma Daisy died in the hospital of old
age when I was still in elementary. I wasn't really old enough
to understand, but what really got me was that I never go to say
goodbye.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My died being really sad.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That every death happens for a good reason.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I got to enjoy the short time I had with her.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I never got to say goodbye.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye and that I love them.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
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Sat Jan 24 07:28:49 1998
M17 in lima, ohio =united states=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 10 ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 7.
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was a best friend and neighbor of my mine was killed
in a car accident alng with his father when we were seven
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Fri Jan 23 22:34:13 1998
F34 in Fort Lauderdale, FL =USA=
Name: Elizabeth Witt
Email: <elizabethwitt-at-usa.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo Search Engine
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Prof/Studies: Computer Animator
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Day My Father Died and Living When A Loved One Has Died
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Dianne Ajjan, Earl Grollman
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 15 years ago.
Cause of Death: congestive heart failure; Aged: 56.
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--Death Is:
a cessation of a physical body and the transformation to an
energy state; this energy state goes on and as humans, we are
not particularly in tune with what happens next; we have a lot of
suppositions, but no one really knows. It is not something we're
particularly meant to know.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Felt profound grief; it was my father's.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
It didn't affect me as much as I thought it would; my grandmother,
grandfather and cousin died this past year; I thought it would
bother me more, but I accepted these deaths faster.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
stop denying the grief and expect people to "get right over it" -
stop making it some horrible and weird experience instead of the
natural event it is.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It is as my father always taught me; don't take people for granted
while they are alive - live each day caring for all the people who
come and go out of your life and be grateful for the time you have.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
nature and solitude, and the reflecting on that person's life
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not having that person around any more; I'll never speak with or
share my time with that person in that unique way again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I was not around for that; he died without ever regaining
conciousness.
--[My relative's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realized that each death I experienced is a unique experience; that
I was more reactive to some than others; that each experience is
qualitatively different and it's ok not to be prostrate with grief;
I dealt with not really being sad about some of these deaths.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I dealt with people who meant well, but were clueless about what
to do or say; and often said or did totally unhelpful and grossly
annoying things.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughter eases tension; also, I celebrated my father's life; I
only felt sad for myself that I could no longer interact with him;
in that sense, grief is selfish.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
no; no regrets, not with my dad.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I don't understand this question; I'm strong and a survivor; I love
life; death is a natural thing. Of course my life went on...and
I am happy and healthy today. My life is rich with experience;
death is a part of life. What does this question mean?
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The realizations that I knew if he had continued to live, he would
be a vegetable; I prayed for him to die, to not live as a shadow
of what he once was. I also knew that I would never see him feeble,
old and weak, and dependent on others. Such a thing would be anathema
to him; I'm glad he died young and strong, doing what he loved. He
was never diminished.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
People don't realize death is a part of life; every time someone
dies, they seem surprised and think it's so horrible and weird. I
don't understand that.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
There's something going on in my life I wish I could share with
that person.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would not be married to the man I am today; I would never have met
my first husband, either; I would not be the person I am today. I
don't really care how things might have been; I like what I have
enough not to be interested in brooding about might-have-beens.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
No. I've never felt that way. Death is more fair than life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk to my Dad again, ask his advice. He had great wisdom and the
ability to listen.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt incredible pain; I did not want to deal with it at all.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The medical community really doesn't care about anything but
making money.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice for my cousin was incredible. It eased everything for her
husband and made her death dignified.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I totally disagree with Organized Religion.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I can't go into my beliefs about the nature of life and death in
such a short space; but there is a profound sense of continuity
and connectivity in the natural life cycle.
--Regarding MONEY:
Dad provided well; our family business survived and the transition
was ok.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Love.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Dealing with other people's reactions to it.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I don't know - my father's death was sudden.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't know if he had one; he died alone in ICU and I never saw
him alive again.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The only unresolved issues are questions I'd like to ask; advice
I'd like to ask for;
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd ask him how he coped with his marriage to my mother for 35 years
and if it was lonely for him; I'd ask him how to love someone for
that length of time.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't want people fighting over the spoils. That is worthless and
demeaning to everyone involved. When I die, I will have already
given things to people of mine that I want them to have; when I die,
everything that's left goes to charity.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My higher power alone knows the time of my death; it's up to me
to live life to the fullest. I can't waste my gifts; life is too
short to do everything I want to do. If I knew I were to die soon,
I would push harder to do what I wanted to do instead of giving in
and going along with others' agendas.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I remember his face, his gestures, his wisdom; but I've never had
any rituals or anything...
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
My father and I had long talked about the nature of death and
pondered this subject.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
People telling me what to do and how to feel
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I made the realization that after 15 years, I still miss my Dad
and love him; and that it bothers me that I can't remember what
his voice sounds like.
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Fri Jan 23 14:57:48 1998
F44 in Houston, Texas =USA=
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browsing
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Prof/Studies: Exec, Sec
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More personal info:
I am just a 44 year old women whose know facing the reality that my
Daddy is sick for the first and perhaps the only time in his life and might
not be there when I am old (we are only 23 years apart)
Apreciate your parents (or forgive) and show them love, patience, and more
kindness then you ever happy.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Cause of Death: ; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Wanting to know any special things they would like creamation,
tombstone, expensive or cheap funeral. They're possesions set up to
be given to interested family members . A WILL The only people
I'd ever care of what they thought of me would be my children and
as I have always told "I'm human and you did not come with a manual
on how to bring you up. I just did the best I could."
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would not waste time with things that are not all that important.
I'd spend more time with my family and enjoy life like I would have
like to do as I grew older.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
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Fri Jan 23 13:50:39 1998
F17 in Portland, Oregon =United States=
Name: Crystal Morrison
Email: <carolm -at-aracnet.com>
Web: n/a
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Accountant
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More personal info:
I am planning to go to college an d major in psychology. I would love
to hear about the research process and collecting all of the data.I bet the
results are always fun.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 months ago ago.
Cause of Death: natural death; Aged: 95.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
For most people, Death can be a very dramatic thing. In there eyes
it is considered a loss rather when it should be considered as "Mom
(or whomever) is going to heaven now, and can now be spared from the
complexities of life, for hav living a good life herself. She can
rest her soul now and feel the continuious love within the gates of
heaven." Death is something that is going to happen to us all one
day, yet for many people, that is a fact that just scares people
and death is seen as a loss, instead of a release.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Depending apon the person and how close I am with him/her, it
changes my moods. With my two aunts that died, I didn't see it
coming anytime soon,but it happened. My thoughts about it weren't
very strong because my relationship with them wasn't that strong,
not like it was with my great grandfather. He was the one person in
my family who tried to keep everyone together because he loved his
family. Our family being fairly large, it didn't seem to matter. He
came to his grand children's graduation ceremonies, his families
marrages, and he was always at the family reunions, because he was
the one who had set them up. What made me mad about the situation
was that, everyone knew that once grandfather had pasted away,
there would probably never be anymore family gatherings and that
no one would do anything about it. I made the attemp, but children
don't always seem to get through the adults. The first funeral was
a very emotional one for me, the one with Clerence and even though
I didn't know him all that well, I think his service will be one
of the memories I will always carry with me, and the feeling of
being scared. I'm not now. I see things differently.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My grandfather had an older couple come up
to Oregon to spend sometime relaxing with his family. The couple
had just retired, along with my grandfather (my grandfather was
my neighbor) and so it was in order for them to celebrate. The
couple was unfamiliar with the area in which we lived in so they
wanted to do some exploring, yet in the process of it, the couple
was hit very badly in a car accident with a drunk driver. The man,
Clerence (the driver) was instantly killed, but the woman, Lydia,
she surrvived. When they had the service for him, my family and I
came. We knew them for the couple came to all of my grandfather's
Christmas parties and so did we. Back to the story, at the service,
I still to this day can't believe how much I cried over a man whom
I really didn't know all that well. I guess that by being a young
child you get scared because you don't understand the full picture.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Like I said in the previous question, I was angered by the fact
that the family was going to fall apart and no one would attempt
to do anything about it.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to be afraid it happens and it is something that cannot be
prevented. We all should be happy that our loved ones are safe and
happy themselves, and they are always watching us, I think so anyway.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When my great grandfather passed away, he really made me determined
to keep my future fanily in strong bonds. Family to me, and just
like it was to hime, is very important to me. Being 17 years old,
its one of the only things in life that I am sure about.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Basically, I was the one who gave support. My dad was really upset
when my great grandfather died, and I constantly reasured him that
God is looking after him now. He has no more diseases to fight
through, nor does he have to live through an air pump in a bed
ridden hospital. He is safe.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I was at first upset, because I was angry that everyone around
me was dying, so it seemed, and that I felt as if I was going to
lose everyone. For awhile after losing my aunts, an uncle and my
great grandfather, I had nightnares about losing people from my
intermediate family, and even though people could say that I am not
going to die tomorrow, no one knows that for sure. I hated death
because it was unpredictable.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't be scared, for you will live on with your precious
memories. You will be loved and safe, with out worries and you wont
have to pay anymore taxes!!! (Just for a little bit of humor)
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I have seen death in a new light rather than as a complete loss.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was confused in the beginning and I saw death as this horrible
thing.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I ve never faelt that was. I f I was to laugh, it would probably
be caused by an old memory of the person who had died.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I don't really think that i have any regret, other than maybe
learning more information about my gandfather. He taught me so
much about our family history, which he helped me to complete in
a history class for school.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I am thankful that I learned about my families history.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I cant think of anything here.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The costs for the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about the family not coming together anymore. The gatherings
may have been boring, but the entire idea about family gatherings
is to be together with the family.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I know the family would be closer, but I am glad that my great
grandfather wont have to through life being a crippled handicap
completely bed ridden in a hopital where the bed pan and sheets
don't get changed in a week.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I though it wasn't fair that this man was going to his grave with
the hope that his family would stay in touch, and didn't even
realize what would happen.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I wish at times that I could still talk with him, he was a fun man
to talk to . He live through so much in his life, the creation of
the TV, the world wars, and so much more.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I wasn't affected like that.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I don't have one .
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Well, I am still not sure what to beleive in. I may talk about
God alot, but mainly its out of an assumption that he does really
exist. Sad to say, from a scientific point of view, I need evidence
to help me feel comfortable. As for everyone else, I don't think
religion was on our minds at the time.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I don't think that the spirit, like the memories, will ever die.
--Regarding MONEY:
His proprety ended up having to b sold to pay for the expenses.A
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Alot of us were surprised that his brother attended the funeral
because he never seemed to care when he was alive. I guess he may
have felt guilt for never getting to say or do the things he wanted
to when he was alive.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Accepting the fact that the person was better off in heaven then
on earth.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the person's health, behavior and attitudes, and things like eating
habits, etc.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
As of this moment, I have not had an experience yet, to the other
side.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I dont ahve unresolved issues with him.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
n/a
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
think what ever is in a person's will, whether the family likes
it or not, they should do as what the person wishes
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I dont think about my death. I live my days with out the worry of
the thought. It will happen, but when it does, I just hope it won't
be something like getting eaten alive by a african lion.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I cope by thinking of the good memories. In the beginning, I used
to pretend that the person who died just moved away.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
n/a
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
remembering the good times shared with the person and if he /she
was happy.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
I also had a problem with the services being in a church. It got
to the point to where I had lost two aunts, my great grandfather,
and an uncle all within a 6 month period, so I was used to going
to church, just not for a regular Sunday service.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I like this. I like how open, yet repectful it is to the people
who answer the questions
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
The questions are fine.
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Fri Jan 23 09:34:29 1998
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
many lives, many masters
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
brian weiss
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: unspecified lung disease; Aged: 42.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our current existence. Upon death, we enter a new level
of being, based on our individual belief systems.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was only old enough to understand that I would never see them again.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the void, emptyness, that still persists.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it's just another part of life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that no matter what, i will always be a better person for knowing
the deceased and that I may meet them again in another lifetime to
continue my karma with them.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my best friend, Joan, who had lost her husband 8 years earlier and
who explained to me that everything I was feeling was normal and
to be expected.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to remember that the dying person is attempting to make peace with
him/herself & he/she needs unconditional support.
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Fri Jan 23 07:36:00 1998
F32 in Eglin AFB, FL =USA=
Name: Jacqueline Kulick
Email: <gkulick-at-ibm.net>
Web: http://www.geocities.com/Paris/LeftBank/4408
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 4 ago.
Cause of Death: died of cancer/brian tumor; Aged: 80.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the body dies then the soul pops out of the body. The soul may
be greated by other souls. Then the soul goes to a place it feels
like it belongs like heaven.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt left out. Because of being so young people egnored my need to
grieve. They thought that a funeral was not a place for a child
and I wasn't envited. I think that hurt very much.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My older brother died before I was born. My
aunt died when I was about 10. I missed them both. I had never
met my brother but wished I had.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I couldn't go to the funeral because I couldn't afford to fly
home. I had just flown to England to be with my grandmother who was
dying. 20 Minutes after I left to return to the states she had to
be rushed to the hospital. I believe God wanted us to be together
and stopped her pain while I was there. Before she died a voice
told my brother that she would die at 6.00. I knew that day she
would die as I just thought it and on a piece of paper I wrote down
6.00 o'clock. She was reported to have died just after 6.00. My
grandfather was the most upset. He told me that she came to him
dressed in a red dress. Before she died she told me in private that
her favorite dress was a red one. When she died she was blind. My
grandfather told me that she could see again. Before she died
my grandmother told me she had seen her mother dressed in a white
gown. Her mother had come for her. But she didn't want to leave until
she had seen me and my youngest daughter, who she had never seen.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death doesn't really happen. Only to our flesh. To me when my body
dies it will be like a birth into a wonderful new place. I don't
fear it. I look forward to it in a way.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
when I saw my vision of heaven it was so peaceful, the most
beautiful place I have ever seen and it is so filled with love from
God. And it's light is so bright but it will never hurt our eyes.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Believing in God and heaven. Knowing they really exist. It isn't
just a story. It really is there. Because I saw it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I miss them. Not being able to call them on the telephone or
send them a Christmas card. Knowing I will never see them at
Christmas. They won't see my children grow up.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
They are afraid. So afraid. Being there to tell them it will
be ok. Allowing them to talk and talk and just being there
to listen. It's so important to tell them there is nothing to
fear. Nothing at all.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
feel she is in a better place. She is not suffering. She is happy
in heaven. She hasn't forgotten us. I know she is in God's hands.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I arrived at my mother's house, where my grandmother who was dying
was staying and everyone seemed so angry at each other. Except
for my brother who is a Christian. He saved me really. He gave me
strength that helped me when I was with my grandmother.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never experienced strange moments of laughing. Though I did share
laughs with my grandmother. Usually us joking around.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I would have told my grandmother about my vision so she would know
why I knew she would be ok. I feel just awful about that now. That
was before I became a Christian.sp
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Spend two beautiful weeks with my grandmother. God gave me a chance
to talk to her. She wasn't in pain for those two weeks. As soon as
I left she had to be taken to the hospital where one week later she
was dead. I believe God gave me a gift of spending two last weeks
with her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my Grandmother had to tell me what ment most to her. She hadn't
told anyone else. Since then I've been trying to pass those things
down to my children. I don't want the memory of my children to
ever die. She had given me a white elephant when I was a teenager
for good luck. So when she was dying I sent it to her. It was a
cheap plastic charm. It ment so much to her that I had kept it and
remembered the meening behind it.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
My mother and stepfather giving me instructions for quiet all the
time. Like everyone had to be misserable around my grandmother. I
eventually fixed the stereo and filled the house with Welsh music
which was my grandmother's favorite.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I can't get over how often I think of my Grandmother. It just goes
to show how much she ment to me though. She was a cook and when I
was little I would watch her bake. The only thing I wanted of hers
was her big ugly mixing bowl. But my mother had it so I hadn't the
heart to ask for it. She must want it for the same reasons. But I
still squeeze my childrens hands which they know meens "I love you"
and they squeeze back, which is something my grandmother and I did
when I was little. It still makes me cry.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my children will never get to listen to my grandmother. She
was always filled with so many stories of the good old days.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didn't cry and couldn't understand why. I think because I know she
is in heaven. Though I felt guilty about not crying, like I was
ment to. I felt when she died that she was at peace.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Their coldness sometimes. The doctors especially. The nurses as
a rule were great. The home nurses. The hospital nurses were cold
and so regimented about regulation and would never give extra pain
meds because it wasn't time yet. How stupid a rule that was.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I wasn't in a church then but I know if I had been the support
would have helped me greatly.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
there is no wall or boundary other than that of good and evil. In
heaven everyone is good and that is that. There is no ill feeling
towards anyone.
--Regarding MONEY:
I couldn't afford to return to England to go to the funeral. That
really hurt.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how unstuck my mother and stepfather were. It was my brother
who was the rock. Strange really. The strangest thing though is
that my Grandmother and Grandfather had been devorced for several
years. Then during her last few months they got so close to each
other like they were newlyweds. It was wonderful.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loosing control of body functions like the bathroom. Having
seazures. Having pain. Loss of apetite.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My grandmother was sitting in the restroom when she looked up and
there was her mother dressed in a white gown. She didn't speak but
had her hands outstreched to her. My grandmother thought that she
had come for her. My grandmother was afraid to go to sleep after
that, should she die in her sleep.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
the only thing that happend to me was a vision when I was eleven. I
was talking to God and asked him about my brother. He told me to wait
a moment. Then I saw a beautiful place that was a cottage surrounded
by beautiful flowers and trees in vibrant colors. Then from the
cottage came my brother and aunt. They walked to an orchard. I
noticed that I could see the blossoms on the trees in very clear
detail. I noticed the light was so bright that it should have hurt
my eyes but it didn't. And I felt the most wonderful feeling of
peace and love that I have ever felt in my whole life. Then it was
over and I was sad it was over but I'll never forget it.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I believe when someone is dying it is important to think about
what they want done with their things. What they want done at the
funeral. And for them to talk about their life.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would miss my children so much. I dread leaving them behind
without me to help them. Though I don't plan on dying anytime soon
I do think about it. I don't fear death though. I just don't want
my children to loose me or me to miss out on their lives.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
praying and talking to my grandmother helps.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I had a vision of them both in heaven when I was eleven.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
Family wouldn't allow me to go to the funeral.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it's nice to be able to share what I believe and know about death.
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Thu Jan 22 22:49:59 1998
F23 in ronoake, va =usa=
Name: dinah
Email: <hurstona-at-jmu.edu>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: psychology, human behavior.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 ago.
Cause of Death: lack of will to live; Aged: about 80.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
simply sheding our mortal skin
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
played hide and go seek among the graves
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...great g-ma died in her sleep. it was a
family thing
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
knowing it had happened hours pefore anyone told me
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
grief is for the living only. death is only a tempotrary seperation,
and only that if you believe that they are accually gone
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my grandmother, and my mother changed forgave each other, and
finally became close
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
never seeing them "dead"
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the bickering, and the pity
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned that often times living or dying is a choice
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
was when people tried explaining dead
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help my g-ma and mom come together
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my family argued
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
sympathy, and pity
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
never acknowledged it
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
free
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the fighting
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
it never registering, i have nevr really understood "dead" past an
intelectual level. just like friends that move away, they simply
wasn't there anymore. they ceased existing in my current reality
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
that pit of your stomach acceptance of your own end
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
the banshee,s cry has been heard by my family on more than one
occasion. for me personally it was only a stillness of everything
around me
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i told you i wouldn't see you again
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i want to be ceramated, i have a terrible fear of being burried alive
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i die when i die, until then, i LIVE!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
life as usual, all things are temporary
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
i have never seen "dead"
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
there was no hender, i have no concept of death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
re estaplished truely how little of a concept of death that i
have. you may think i was sitting here making all of this up, but,
it is true there is here and not here in my life, the reality of
death does not really play a part there has been 5 deaths of loved
ones in my 23 years, and all but one i have attended the funerals,
however i have never viewed the dead, i never saw them as dead,
they are simply no longer in my reality. besides the corps is not
them anyway, the person is already gone.
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Thu Jan 22 20:12:56 1998
F27 in Panama City Beach, Florida ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I am studing psychology and this interests me
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Prof/Studies: retail; psychology student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
"The jilting of Granny Weatherall"--a short story
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 54.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
An experience that living people have to the cessation of life of
another being. The human mind has to rationalize the experience
of this cessation, so, humans have created the cultural rituals
associated with the cessation.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was numb. It was not someone I personally knew. It was a friend
of my brother. My mind was not able to grasp the emotions behind
everything
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...someone in my high school died of a brain
anuerism
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
A memory of walking behind my mother's casket. A tear was coming
down my cheek as I was carring my niece towards the car we would
take to the cemetery. My niece wiped away the tear and told me
"Don't cry, aunt Kathy. It will be ok." I wished at that moment
I could be that innocent.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My mother was very ill and had been so for some time. I prayed
for her to die. It hurt me to realize that I would never be able
to see her again--even though our relationship was never the best.
I found out through all of it just how much like my mother I truly
was--the good things as well as the bad things I saw in her I now
saw in me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I used to cry a great deal at night when I laid in bed with my
then-boyfriend until he said "she's gone, but you're still here.
She wants you to live a happy life--not live grieving her."
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Closure. Coming to terms with the whole experience in my mind.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
now feel. I miss my mother terribly, but I know this is all a part
of life. To be human, one has to experience the most wretched of
experiences-death. To be able to take the good from the experience
to make yourself a better person should be the goal of your grieving.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I found out when my mother died and everyone wanted to touch and hug
me. This was all a very personal experience to me and I had a hard
time dealing with their need to be affectionate to me. I accepted
their affection, confusion and all, because it made them feel better.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was the right thing to do. Laughter was something my mother
loved, and laughing helped to keep her memory close.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my mother the truth. My father had sworn the children to
secrecy about the fact that my mother's cancer was terminal.
Being so much like her, I would have wanted to know.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
take care of the children and the little things around the house.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Standing at the cemetery watching them put the casket into the
ground.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see the christmas village that my mother would put out every
christmas, or when I am alone and I hear a certain song on the radio.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I cannot think in those dimensions. It did happen. I miss her.
She's gone. My life continues--just as she wanted.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I never thought about the unfairness. We are not to say what is
fair or unfair--truly. Statements like that are just selfish ways
of not dealing with the situation. It did happen, for whatever
reason, and we have to deal with it and move on, learning all we can.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be stronger.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was driving home with my sister through the mountains in Tennessee
and I saw a total lunar eclipse. The moon was blood red because
of the bent light. At that moment the full realization of what
was happening hit me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
dismay. The doctor's knew what the situation was and made her
suffer unnecessarialy. The doctor's operated on her and took away
from her quality of her remaining life even though they knew her
situation was terminal.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right. The spirit is the inner "thing" that makes us human. It is
more than just a specific religion.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how it mirrored my mother's life. Simple with family close at hand.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I never cried around my family.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I know of none. I had a dream detailing the exact events of my
mother's viewing before the funeral eight months before my mother
even died.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My body doesn't matter. I want them to donate all my organs and
my skeleton so that others may benefit.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would like to die knowing that I have been the best person
possible.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
I was not emotionally attached to the person who died. I grieved
because my friends were grieving. It hurt me to see them so hurt.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
The effects of the death of a loved one are long-lasting. After the
few weeks, no one really wants to talk of the feelings associated
with the experience. Even now, talking of the experience helps me.
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Thu Jan 22 01:07:45 1998
F29 in coeurd'alene, idaho =us=
Name: kim
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: social work
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: heart anerism; Aged: 97.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A natural life cycle process that is surrounded with rituals taboos,
and religion.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt uncomfortable. did not know the right thing to say.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was..a pet that died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how much I would miss that person.
--What I think my (us) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To be able to griev at its own pace.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I was able to be there till the end and say goodbye.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My daughter, She always went to the cemetary with me for support.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Feelings of sadness at never seeing the person again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just to be their as someone who loves and supports them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I saw how other people could put it behind them so quickly.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with the person and thank them for all the times
they were their for me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am doing an activity that I used to share with that person
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That the person is gone
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt a litle paniky
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
feeling gratfull for Hospice. They were terrific even past the end.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
excellent
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
feeling that my grandpa went to heaven.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
good
--Regarding MONEY:
we had enough.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was to short.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
feeling concerend when it was raining. I didn't like to think of
it raining on the place whear my loved one was buried.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would want my daughter to be okay after I was gone.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
visit the grave site.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Wed Jan 21 10:15:38 1998
F28 in DeLand, FL =usa=
Email: <titania-at-bellsouth.net>
Web: http://personal.lig.bellsouth.net/~titania
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of idol Public Figure, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car crash; Aged: 30+.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of this lifetime, but your soul goes on
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
knew they were out of pain
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died of lung cancer i was only
6 0r 7 at the time, and he lived in another state i missed him,
but it didnt affect me much
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it was the first human death that made me cry
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is a reawakening
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the suffering was over
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being calm
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
they wouldnt be here in the flesh
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get by
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone should die so young
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didnt think it was fair
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
it is a communion with all humanity
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i would live life to ite fullest and do everything i wanted to do
in this world
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
i beleive in reincarnation
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i dont think much of dying...it doesnt bother me and i cope with
it well
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Wed Jan 21 10:13:52 1998
F18 in Cincinnati, Ohio =USA=
Name: Jessica Yeckel
Email: <yeckel-at-expert.cc.purdue.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Math Major at Purdue Univ
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 week ago.
Cause of Death: unexpected stroke; Aged: 53.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of everything except memory.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had no idea how to handle it. I cried more than I had the entire
rest of my life combined.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father died unexpectedly of a stroke at
the base of his brain stem. This just happened a little over a
week ago, so I'm still dealing with it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how everyone kept telling me how strong I was to be handling things
so well. But the truth is that I felt horrible and didn't want to
be strong.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not knowing what to do next. My life doesn't seem to have much of
a purpose any more.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
Wed Jan 21 07:28:31 1998
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
searching for personality/temperment quizzes for fun; U came up
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 15 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 60 something.
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I don't know if u wanted this kind of info
(pets), but it was my 1st experience and I learned SO MUCH by it
that I truly think it has helped shape my attitutes on death and
dying. Our dog died when I was very young. The hardest part was
trying to get information out of the adults. I remember getting
nothing but vague mummbles or strange reasurances for days. Finally,
I specifically asked if our dog died. My parents did a complete
turn around and told me all about it--what went wrong, etc. I
remember first feeling enraged that my mom hadn't told me before
she put him down (surprisingly, that anger is rising up even now
as I type!). It was the not being able to say goodbye thing. Well
not really that. Really, what hurts about 'not being able to say
goodbye' is not seeing the person/animal while at the same time
KNOWING they're facing death. On top of the loss felt 'normally,'
there is this strange little 'extra' loss. When I was about 10,
my grandfather killed himself rather than continuing to live with
MS. The following responses will be wrt my grandfather's death.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't get all upset if s/he seems to start mistreating you. I
think they are withdrawing because they know they have to leave
you. Imagine how hard it would be if we had deal with our OWN losses
(losing all the dead-ees) at the SAME time as dealing with our
dying! I think there's some mechanism that saves the dying person
from suffering all the grief he would if he lost everybody he
loved all at once through some way other than his own dying. There
has to be, or else 'death bed' scenes would be about trying to
'cheer up' the dying person, when in fact often it's the dying
person who's saddled with the responsibility of 'cheering up' all
his dead-ees! Not that you can't cry, or that you should hide your
feelings and be fake (I don't mean to use 'cheer up' in that sence),
but if you feel the person's pulling away, just let him--how else
could s/he cope with losing YOU?
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
before he killed himself, he visited all relatives. said something
special to me that I immediately understood apon learning he
died. This was an intentional gift on his part, and I cherish it
and the memory of his giving it to this day.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
others seeming either irritated or uncomfortable talking about the
dead person. Often they think changing the subject makes it easier
on the dead-ee, but I seem to have noticed that when the dead-ee
starts talking, it's because s/he WANTS to. When I'm the dead-ee,
I don't like being immediately shut-up.
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Tue Jan 20 19:33:15 1998
F43 in Burlington, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
a email pen pal recomended Kir-shalom site, I am a nurse working in Ped
Oncology so greif and bereavement are a area of interest
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Prof/Studies: R.N.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
When Bad things happen to good people
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Nephew, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: automobile accident; Aged: 23.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
as if someone goes away and never comes back. You know they died
and are not alive but it does not always feel real.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was very upset. I would not view the body, and then during the
funeral got the giggles, I was so embaressed. I did not know what
to do
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My Uncle who was 29 years old and had one
child with a wife expecting twin boys died of a brain anyurism. I
was 14 and he was my favorite uncle
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Thnking how my sister in law would cope with the fact she would
never see her son again. Wondering how she would ever cope. How
could this have happened. I hope this never happens to my child
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
My mother often says that people just need to get over it and quit
greiving. I think so many people who have never expereienced loss
expecially of a child should never assume to understand what the
other person may feel. Everyone has their own way of greiving and no
way is wrong or right. We need to be more accepting of each other
and our needs. I also think that our society has not taught people
how to deal with grief and loss and , because they feel they should
just tough it out problems such as depression may surface because
the loss has not been dealt with
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When I had patients that died the spiritual moments they experience
and shared with me gave me a deeper beleif in a after life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My co workers have been a great support. My co workers are my
friends. The book when bad things happen to good people helped me
accept the awful fact of childhood death,
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The inability to take the greif away for those closest to the person
who died. Feeling helpless
--[My Nephew's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to help his mother feel he is still in my heart. By thinking
of him and commenting on him especially during holidays
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
at the begining because it was a accidental death, did it really
happen and why
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
My inlaws think it is inapropritae to laugh and have a good
time. They think you should be glum every moment of the day and
don't allow the freedom of laughter as a release of greif and tension
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
add some comfort to his life in the last couple of years. At times
when I saw him heseemed to unhappy and yet I was living so far away
I felt I should mind my own business
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
let his family know we cared
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The family got together one year later for a big thanksgiving dinner
and had fun
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what the casket looks like
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of the loss his family must still feel
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
He might be getting married and instead of getting together at
a charity golf tourniment to raise funds we might be dancing at
his wedding
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why should someone so nice die when all these rotten people
survive. Or how sad it is when parents loose their only child
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
make everything better
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was able to cry
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a place to have the funeral
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that there is life after death and it will be better
--Regarding MONEY:
it was not a issue. When I see some parents in my nuring practice
that cannot affort a funeral and need to go to social service with
the death certificate before funds are released, it seems so unfair.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
some people just came to put in a politically correct apperance
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
he smelled like formadihide. It was awful
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Chenes stokes breathing. Also many have had visions of family
members who have dies in the room with them. And the spritiuality
that comes out of no where sometimes.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have seen this happen with patients. It is of great comfort to
them. It is of great comfort to the families to feel the nurse
caring for their child accepts the visions they have. And they are
not made to feel crazy
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want laughter and rememaberance of the happy times. I want a
closed casket with lots of pictures of me in life. People need to
know this,
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I need to make everyone understand how much I love them and tell
them I will wathc over them and protect them from harm
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
WE made a photo album of my nephew and gave one to his sister and
one to his parents
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
when my uncle died my grandparents took all his pictures away and
it was like he never exisited
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was ok, but too much focus on the loss of a loved one, Most of
my expereience has been with patients so it was hard to answer some
of the questions
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Tue Jan 20 12:52:08 1998
Anonymous F26 in Pennsylvania
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 6yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 70.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father died of metastatic prostate
cancer. Died in our home.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being numb for quite a long time.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
its ability to allow us to reflect positively if we choose.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I have learned to cherish my existence but not to grasp at it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
watching it occur.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my father was in the coma. He was alive but not really. Limbo
is confusing.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Tue Jan 20 11:46:40 1998
F33 in Minneapolis, Minnesota =USA=
Email: <cidx2-at-bitstream.net>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Dark Side of the Web
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 18 years ago.
Cause of Death: accident/alcoholism; Aged: 48.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand the crying. My maternal grandfather died when I
was 10 years old. I remember talking to cousins after the funeral
about why everyone was crying - none of us understood why everyone
was so sad.
--That first time, how it happened was
I was about 8 years old when my mom took me to the wake of someone
she knew - I had never met the woman. The incident didn't upset me at
all - the woman looked like she was sleeping and I kept imagining her
sitting up in the casket and saying how she had everyone fooled.
After we left the funeral home, my mom asked me what I thought
about death and we had a talk about it on the way home.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how isolated I felt from my family. I was 15 years old and felt I
had no where or no one to turn to. Our family had never been very
close and my father's death just seemed to drive us further into
our separate lives.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death is not an end. Life on this planet is not the end-all
reason for being. Life is part of our journey to become more
enlightened beings - and death is our transition into another part
of that journey.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it allowed me to question the religious faith in which I'd been
brought up with. I started exploring other areas of spirituality
and opened my mind up to the idea that anything is possible.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
time. There was nothing any book or any person could do to help me
- I needed to work out my thoughts on death by myself - which took
me many, many years to do.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
how other people treated me. I was in high school at the time of my
father's death - and teachers and friends treated me differently
for the rest of that year. They acted as if I might go crazy at
any minute and so I felt like I was being coddled and smothered all
the time. It was not what I needed. But at that age, I didn't know
how to verbalize what I did need, so I allowed it to continue even
though I hated it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
realized that my father's death was meant to happen when it did. My
father was a very active and hard-working farmer. Unfortunately he
was also an alcoholic who refused to quit drinking. Had he lived, his
eyesight would have failed because of his diabetes, and his health
in general would have deteriorated quickly (besides having diabetes,
he also had high blood pressure and had had a heart attack). For
my father, being sickly & inactive would have been worse than death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
My fear of death was instilled by a hell & brimstone priest who deemed
everyone a sinner bound for hell.
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Mon Jan 19 22:00:37 1998
F19 in New York, New York =USA=
Name: Laura Lawless
Email: <llawless-at-fas.harvard.edu>
Web: http://WWW.geocities.com/Vienna/7040/laura.html
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: psychopathology major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: ; Aged: 91.
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--Death Is:
the end of our temporary human existence and the passage into
the afterworld
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt like a part of me died as well
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... THe first major death in my life was that
of my biological grandfather, but adopted father. He lived with
me and we were very close.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling an emptiness around me, in my room, at the dinner table,
in his room...
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how death may be a transition for the deceased into the afterlife,
but it's a transition into a new way of life for the survivors.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Learning that I could go on without him but it would take relying
on new support networks.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my best friend who was there for me whenever I needed her help.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being able to share the important parts of my life with him
and not letting him see me grow into adulthood.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't scream or make them feel guilty for having to leave.
Just support them and let them know how loved they are in their
last moments.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am an independent person, and though he was my closest friend and
family member, I had learned so much from him I could stand on my
own two feet.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I felt guilty for being tired and frustrated with caring for a
dying relative and also pitying him for his pain.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
about 25 minutes after his death, my mom went to pour hot water
for coffee but she lifted up the pot on the metal surface which
was extremely hot. Although she was in pain and death had just
occurred, we all started laughing hysterically and couldn't stop.
Thank goodness my mom was okay after ice applications, but we all
thought her dazed movements were so funny...Sick....
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time at home with him before his death asking him about
his life and stopped complaining about my experiences so much.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell him many many times that I loved him and appreciated all he
had done for me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
He sat in the room after being told he was terminal and reminding
us that we all meant so much to him (mom, grandma and me). He said
long ago he had hoped a good samaritan would be there to help carry
his cross. We all just sat there stunned instead of holding him
or crying. We should have done something more.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The wake. I really didn't seem to care that much about that event.
Just a get together with friends and family instead of a tremendously
painful experience in the room with my dad's corpse.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm walking home alone through my college campus I wish he knew
where I went to school and what I'm studying....I feel like he's
walking beside me and I start to cry, even 2 years later.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
He'd be very old, but I'd go home alot more often. I would see
him all the time instead of staying here in my school apartment
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I have to lose my dad at 17 when my mom and her siblings got
him for 55 years.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hide in my bed and pull the blankets over my head and not go
anywhere.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried for hours on end, clutching his old wallet and a towel that he
had next to him when he died, spread out on his bed. I didn't cry
at all for 6 weeks, then it came out and wouldn't stop. Finally,
I felt a sense of relief and relaxed, newly accepting of his passing.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Once you're too old, you don't matter. And even though he was
in pain, they kept trying to prolong his painful experience with
bizarre medical practices. Quantity of life seemed more important
than dignity of life.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Not enough money.... everything was paperwork.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a sense of relief and prevented a sense of complete loss of him.
We still feel we can see him again in the future.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we are all linked in a community of spirits with each other.
No matter who we are or what we have, we are all destined to die
sometime.
--Regarding MONEY:
ALl of a sudden we had to learn to manage family finances and we
had to learn a whole new system of house management. It was a
shock on my family.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I can't remember most of the experience except the feeling of the
fabric on me in my dress. And the darkness in the church, with a
lightbulb blown out.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Missing school and actually worrying about my grades as being a
primary concern.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Acceptance of the inevitable. When he knew it was coming to an end,
we all had to accept that it was.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I know nothing of this sort. Except I had dreams of him talking
to me after his death. I know nothing about anyone beckoning
him. Except he said God told him it was time to let go.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I want to apologize for arguing so much with my mom in his final
days. I just want to say I'm sorry alone with him. I want him to
know that I still have faith and want to be like him...will be a
good person. Just one more conversation.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'm sorry, I love you. Please forgive me. You're all I wanted in
a father and I owe you so much.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have filled out a proxy form - don't want to be preserved
artificially. I made sure his wishes were carried out and now
understand how important it is to respect the wishes of the
dying. Quality of life is exceptionally important in one's dying
days.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have tried to commit suicide so death seemed imminent at one
moment. But now it seems silly. Enjoy life. Live it fully for every
day that we're given. Don't die until your body finally gives in.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Dancing for a long time to loud music, highly aerobic movements,
sweating, and then showering, with no time to think until I was
completely exhausted and fell into bed. The endorphin rush cancelled
out the depression.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still can't leave my room before looking at a picture of the
two of us together, and every Sunday at the time he died, 2:34
p.m. I look at my watch and close my eyes in remembrance for a bit.
helps to keep him near me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
Therapy helped me
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helps to reflect on the past, and how I'm still grieving 2 years
later. Grief is a life long process and each day is still hard.
But ignoring that there is grieving to be done leaves one in denial,
very unhealthy place to be.
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Mon Jan 19 21:57:00 1998
F43 in Bingham, Maine =USA=
Name: Debbie
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: DISABLED EMT
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 33yrs ago.
Cause of Death: natural death; Aged: 80s?.
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--Death Is:
you become nothing, empty, you just stop in your tracks
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
went into shock because
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I WAS BEING RAPED AND HE DIED ON TOP OF ME.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
which death? the latest one i felt great loss
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to let people go
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i have the option to die......to escape
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
drugs/alcohol
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
losing them... suddenly
--Regarding my Being There for someone who was dying:
i think i killed him
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
i want them to know nothing!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i couldn't breath
--Not that it's a regret, but:
i wouldn't have fought him off, i wouldn't have killed him
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
he took a breath after he died
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
to keep my mouth shut
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
trying to remember what happened.... how?
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
oh god!
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I just can't remember
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
DIE
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
don't remember
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
NOTHING
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
NONE
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
peace/escape
--Regarding MONEY:
was too young to know
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my father forcing me to "kiss grampy good-bye!!!!!!!!!!
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
trying to figure out what had happened.... wondering what i did
wrongl, and not being able to remember "so much"!
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
exertion
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
He knew he was going to die this day, he refused his medication
that day.... for the first time. He planned to die.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I DON"T KNOW!
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
????????
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
????????
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
organize
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
my own death is an exit from todays pain.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I HAVEN"T COPED YET
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
try to forgrt it all!!!
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
frustrated at the loss of memories, of knowing, and of having some
memories that are disconnected.
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Mon Jan 19 06:16:44 1998
M29 in Hartlepool/Amsterdam, =England/Netherlands=
Name: Neil Boreland
Email: <BorelandN-at-CENV.Canon.NL>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: IT Consultant
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The grapes of wrath
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
John Steinbeck
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 55.
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--Death Is:
A natural part of life, in general we just wear out!
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried
--That first time, how it happened was
A friend committed suicide by hanging himself from his bathrobe cord,
he was a small lad and had to take hormone drugs because he wasn't
growing very much as a teen.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
A feeling of 'nothingness' events in my life just washed over me
for 4-5 months, and extreme anger to the point 'homicidal' aginst
the doctor who had misdiagnosed cancer(said it was backache) for
8 months until it was too late, eventually diagnosed as cancer by
a back specialist!
--What I think my (England/Netherlands) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Don't fight it, it always gets you in the end!!!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The suffering ends
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My friend and whisky
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Dealing with my fathers sadness
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Coped
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I got told
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was the stress of the moment.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Would'nt change a thing
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Would'nt change a thing
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I met people from my mothers life who were my mothers friends or
co-workers and in no way any part of my life
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The religious ceremony behind it! I'm an atheist
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Anniversary's of death or when it happens to somebody else who I
am close to and brings my old memories back
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My life has changed immensely since my mother died, I've started
working in a different country and am due to get married in May if
she had'nt died would it be the same???
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
There's no excuse for an eight month misdiagnosis of cancer and
I just wonder if it was caught in the beginning whether my mother
would be here today
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
No... Life's meant to be difficult
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Got on with my life, time does'nt heal everything but makes whats
left more tolerable.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The medical community did nothing for me except possibly killed
my mother!
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I felt that death was just around the corner for everybody in that
cancer ward, and also there is nothing you can do about it!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I don't know what happens when you die
--Regarding MONEY:
I got money left from my mother and it helped me with my life
immensely and allowed me to do some things I may never have done
otherwise.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Why is it impossible to get have a funeral in the U.K without any
kind of religiousness involved.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Feeling like a hypocrite (I'm the same at weddings)
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
From 8 months of misdiagnosed bachache to having tests getting told
it was cancer to death happened in under three weeks.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
none
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would have liked to have said my goodbye's better
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
When I die I'm going to have a will that gives my close friends and
family a free drinking afternoon (a wake) there will be no religion
involved (hymn's e.t.c) and it will not be a solemn affair, the
only music played will be upbeat and melodic rather than downbeat
and melancholic I want the same from death as from life and people
to be able to remember me that way!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I will die when it happens, for now I concentrate on getting every
little bit from life that I can, I now find myself doing it! rather
than thinking about it and never getting round to it!
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Going out and getting drunk on the anniversary whatever the day of
the week!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
none
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Sun Jan 18 16:49:51 1998
F33 in Raleigh, NC =USA=
Name: Becky
Email: <Kack1add-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Paging Company Manager
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 65.
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--Death Is:
When no life exists. When the heart stops beating and the brain
no longer has activity.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt very little. I was too young to understand that death
was permanent, and was not over close to the person who died.
The family handled it well, in that they enouraged me to see the
body after it was embalmed and placed in the casket. They also
encouraged discusion. The only pain I vividly remember is a
relative telling me I didn't know what I was talking about and
should be quiet, during the time of choosing the burial clothing.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...two uncles died of cancer, approximately 1
year apart.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how she looked after death. I could tell her soul was gone. Her
physical appearance was so dramatically diferent from the way she
was in life, that I was struck dumb by it. I performed a religious
ceremony for death and that seemed to bring the experience some
closure for all involvef.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I think this culture deals fine with death now.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the closeness I developed with members of my church and members of
my husband's family, which I would not have had.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the church.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing her at times she would normally have been present.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them cry and talk about death, fears, pains and concerns. Don't
try to help them feel better by offering happy, feel good emotions.
Be positive, but be empathetic. Also, don't be afraid to deal with
real issues like wills, funeral arangements and wishes of the dying.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she stayed alive even though it seemed impossible that she could.
When we believed the end was very near, she would rally. Since she
was in constant pain, I felt confused that she would remain here
in that manner.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
That happened after the death of my grandfather, but not after
this death. When my grandfather died, I caught myself laughing
several times. Looking back, I realize that I was dealing with the
death in a way that was acceptable to me at the time. I didn't
feel the urge to cry but I certainly felt strong emotion and it
came out as laughter.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
give her an open casket, just as she requested. She was ravaged
by the disease but had made it clear to us that she wanted an open
casket visitation. Her family was shocked that we would consider
this, but when the funeral home had finished with the preparation
of the body, she looked wonderful and just as we remembered her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My church, which is Episcopalian, performed so many services.
My mother-in-law was raised Baptist, as was much of the family,
and she had been non-church going for many years. With almost
no involvement in the church at all, one might think she would be
treated differently by the Episcopal church. She was given full
sacraments and many people took a great deal of their own time to be
sure she and her survivors received a very solemn, Christian funeral.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
mourned, but realized that she now knew the "great unknown."
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Sat Jan 17 22:37:32 1998
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Read About it: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 9 ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 80.
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--Death Is:
a hard experence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried
--That first time, how it happened was
relative
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how I felt at his funeral
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that youll go to heaven
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
of his gifts and happiness
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
of being helped
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
of the nature of his death
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
that talking about the person{good things} is helpful
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
talked to him
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
of the nature of his death and seeing his parents at the funeral
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
none
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to talk to him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
to know him
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
kindness
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
of the goodness of the person
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was shocked, extremely
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
none
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
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Sat Jan 17 14:35:01 1998
F16 in St. Paul, Minnesota =USA=
Name: Gryph Reams
Email: <DemonDance-at-hotmail.com>
Web: http://WWW.angelfire.com/mn/darkrememberings
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
I was merely performing a general search for psychology related pages
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Prof/Studies: perpetual student
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More personal info:
I would be interested in discussing with one of the maintainers of this site (or perhaps a
better way to but that would be the researchers who are heading this study) various aspects a
views on death, dying, and related topics.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 19 ((old for a cat)).
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--Death Is:
For most humans, death is something to be feared. Unfortuantely,
humans have the trait of fearing what they do not know, and humans
do not really know what comes after this "life". They seem to
forget that they shall never know until it occurs to them and
that it ~will~ occur to them. They are all mortal, no matter what
self-deception games they play. Death is seen by some as an end,
for others a beginning, some see it as a continuation, while others
don't reguard it as anything at all. There are those humans who
are of the belief that their "soul" (the conciousness, heart, inner
being, what-have-you) will continue on after death (though perhaps
after life would be a better way for them to phrase it...for how do
they know if death shall end? The dying process does, yes, but not
death. That we have yet to know). Others see it that the cells in our
bodies cease functioning and slowly we rot and decompose and become
part of the earth once again. As you can see, there are many views
of death, what it is, and how people react to it. So, unfortunately,
a direct answer to the question can not be given. There are as many
forms of "death" as there are humans populating this world.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young, didn't know the person well, and was not greatly effected
by the occurence.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... There was an accident outside my house
when I was about 3 or 4 years old. A man was sitting in a back of
a pickup truck and fell out. Though he was only carried off to the
hospital (I don't know if he lived or died), it got me thinking
about death. Also, when I was about 5 or 6, my father's half-sister
died. I'd only met her once, and I do not even remember what she
looked like (though I do remember the man from the accident), so I
was saddened by the news, but nothing more. The first incident to
strike me hard about death was when my dog died. I was in the third
grade. That I didn't handle well, and to some extent still don't.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I was not told immediately. I was away in Poland at the time of
my cat's death. My mom came to visit in November, yet she didn't tell
me what had happened. I guess she felt she was protecting me. That I
had enough stress as it was. When I returned home in mid-December,
I learned the news when I looked about for my cat. My parents told
me what had happened. I guess I was comforted that she'd died in
her sleep, though my parents may easily have said that to simply
ease the mental burden. Of course, what does it matter how she
died? Death is death. It won't do me any good to know that she was
in agony for several hours or anything of that sort. Most vividly
(yes, I'm straying here, forgive me) I recall seeing myself sink to
the kitchen floor when my parents gave me the news. I didn't cry,
at least not right away. I just sat there, stunned, a feeling of
emptiness inside. I had to pull myself together quickly as a friend
was over...but strangely it wasn't that difficult. I felt a twinge
of guilt over that.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it's inevitable.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it opens your eyes, in a sense. Makes you more aware. I can't say
it makes you enjoy life as I ended up becoming severly depressed to
the point of suicidal (ah! the wonders of death! how tantilizing
its dark embrace!), but it wakes you up from at least some of the
self-delusionment.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Myself. I dealt with it. I thought, I read, I listened to music, but
thought was really what carried me through...and I guess carried me
into depression's grip as well. As I contemplated death, it began
to appeal more and more to me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not getting the chance to be there and hold her as she died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughing's a natural function, as is crying. In happy moments people
cry, in sad ones they laugh. It's a way of getting rid of some of
the stress.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a certain song or see a certain movie. Everything's
interconnected, and the slightest pattern of light on a table can
recall for some people pain and hurt and confuison.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
No, it's not fair. Nothing is. Who say's life is to be fair? Or
death for that matter?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
cut it all away from me. Never have it begin. But here I refer to
another close encounter with death...but the person did not die. An
issue of serious depression which got tangled up by emotions and
good intentions.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. I did not pray for my cat, not because I didn't care, but
because 1) i'm not sure anything has a soul (cat, human, plant, worm)
and 2) i don't and didn't at the time subscribe to any religion. If
anything I would have found it annoying if a religious person had
come to me to "help me deal with my loss".
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
misguided. I wouldn't call it spirit. We're all mortal, so we all
die. That's that. There's nothing romantic about it. It's just a
continuation of whatever cycle or linear path we're on. We all eat to
survive...does that mean that there's some great "spirit" connecting
us all? The logic is faulty, though I do understand where the people
who say such things might be coming from. They're right in that
it doesn't matter about race, religion, creed, etc., but the talk
of spirit sounds far too religious in and of itself. It's perhaps
more that all things are interconnected. Everything is interwoven,
even though they may appear chaotic. So yes, we're all connected
beyond race and all, but I don't see it as a world of people gayly
holding hands and singing songs of brotherhood while swaying back
and forth in time to the music.
--Regarding MONEY:
it wasn't a factor.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there was no funeral.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have none. I was not around when my cat died, and she was rather
shy so probably would not have chosen to speak to me of it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My death will come when it comes. I used to have an age I wanted
to die at. 22. I decided that, on either my 22nd or 23rd birthday,
if I weren't already dead, I'd kill myself. I don't worry about
my own death. I have friends around me now who need help much
more than I. Yes, I think about death. I don't say that I fear it,
though I do look at it with something like anticipation. But then,
I've never truly come near death of my own...so things have the
ability to change, as they always do.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
No.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
As I've said before, just the realization of all these views
of death, their patheticism, and how deluded we allow ourselves
to become.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
true, books and family and distractions have helped, but I began
to become fascinated with death and all things "morbid". I guess
that being drawn to them aids in realizing and dealing with them.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was semi-interesting. I was not surprised by any of
the questions. I think the describing death to an alien
who has no concept of it was very good. If possible, I'd
like to see what answers other people have given to that
question. ((demondance-at-hotmail.com))
[ Ed Note: Answers to this and other questions
are available at:
http://WWW.Bardo.ORG/guests.html
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Fri Jan 16 17:05:11 1998
F18 in Terre Haute, IN =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 98.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Ceasing to live in this reality interacting with others who are on it
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was shocked and didn't even believe it at the wake
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...one of my good friends died in an accident
while riding his bike home from school
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
losing the matriarch of the family and how others in the family
didn't seem to care too much
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That death is a part of life and to stop avoiding it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Don't understand the question
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Absolutely nothing. Heaven and hell don't appeal to me unless one
WANTS to go there. I believe in reincarnation
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
This Spirit is Deity and we are in constant contact with it. We
must all go back there at some time or another because it's like
a bonfire and we're like paper burning. If we go away from it we
must go back to get replenished and relit
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
The true history of our family
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not too worried about it. I know I'll be coming back for another
life or if I decide I'm bored with life I'll do something else. I
just don't want any pain and the first shock of death is probably
going to scare me....to death (forgive the pun)
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Some of the questions were ambiguous and others I couldn't answer
but it got me to tell how I felt
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Fri Jan 16 15:32:17 1998
F30 in plant city, fl =usa=
Email: <priff-at-gte.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
search on phyc. tests
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, yrs20 ago.
Cause of Death: cerebrial hemorage; Aged: 42.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
final, without purpose cruel
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a chid and my father was very sick but I never relized how sick.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being alone
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
comforting others
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my religion
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I would never see my father again.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
came to understand no one leaves you personaly when they die even
though you may feel that you are the only one suffering.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i would think my father was really alive at times and that he chose
to fake death to get away from us, me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
never happend to me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
view my father in his coffin. I could not bring myself to see him
lying there silent.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
nothing was easy, I am still surprised by the way it hurts at times.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
to put his possesions away. Out of sight out of mind.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
not so much cry over it, more like anger over the senslesness of
it. No one will ever be able to understand why we must die just
that we do. When I am thinking about my father the anger over my
loss returns.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
to long ago I cannot see that anymore.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
no I felt that God was cruel, now I am sure that God can be cruel,
but death is not his means.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
belive in an afterlife, heaven, hell, something that in its own
way keeps my father surviving even if its in a spiritual way.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
rejected all things around me esp. those who would say that God
needed my father more than I.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
incompetence
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
evrything they were my mothers backbone at the time and my own
thread left to sanity.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
it is the knoeledge that we all face death. That no one is exempt.
--Regarding MONEY:
there was no money he was the provider
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that it was so large I relized that my father was well liked but
I never relized how loved
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
hearing your father passed away I thought they were lying
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
only in dreams
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
they are closed for the most part.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that he was everything to me. And thank him for giving me all that
he could.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
that it is inevetable. And that there is no preperation for it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
time helps
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
reflective- shows me that I am still angry at those who tried to
comfort me but only hurt me with their sympathys
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Fri Jan 16 09:28:57 1998
Anonymous Guest 21, in Regensburg, Germany
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: age, heart attack; Aged: 78.
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--Death Is:
if all your organs stop working, so you stop breathing and cannot
do anything again ever. You can't think or feel again either.
People then burry you or burn your body. Usually the persons that
knew and liked you, will be sad about losing you.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was shocked and overwhelmed with sadness.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... within 2 years, when I was about 12 to 14,
4 of my (old) relatives died, my great grandparents, the sister of
my grandma, and an old lady that was like a grandma for me. At 15,
I tried to commit suicide.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I felt paralized because it happened to unexpectedly, and that
I felt guilty because I hadn't visited the lady for some weeks. And
that my parents didn't really talk to me about it or about how
I felt.
--What I think my (Germany) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it would be better to talk about it if you feel like it, no matter
how old you are. It's wrong to deny it. That way people get even
more scared of it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
thinking and my diary
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
sadness, missing him/her, feeling guilty
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
It was less easier to deal with my attempted suicide. My parents
still don't know about it, 6 years later.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
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Thu Jan 15 21:34:34 1998
F18 in Windsor, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Lisa O'Neil
Email: <boneil-at-sprint .ca>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
just browising
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Prof/Studies: High school
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 39.
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--Death Is:
The end of someone's life, which relives them of all human pain but
leaves friends and loved ones with enourmous sadness and heartbreak
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a young child who always used to go to elderly relatives that
died funerals
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was an elderly aunt died of old age basically.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I remember mostly how the hardest part about the death is going
back to normal everyday life without the person.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that after someone dies it is okay to cry outloud and show your
emotions
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I am now able to comfort others who have to deal with the
death of a loved one. And that it has made me a stronger more
assertive person today.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Writing and music.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Was trying to deal with the pain after the death when everthing
and everybody goes back to normal
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
All the deaths I have encountered close to me have been sudden deaths
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Can help those dealing with deal and that I can truly experience
the gift of empathy
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I would cry over such oddd things such as a song or a video.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I know that laughing and crying are ve
