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See Current contributions.
See Jun 97 contributions.
See May 97 contributions.
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Thu Jul 31 19:43:11 1997
F36 in , va =usa=
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Thu Jul 31 19:43:11 1997
F36 in Virginia =usa=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 15 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: sucide; Aged: 17.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... grandpa died of heart problems.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Upbringing
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Tue Jul 29 19:20:06 1997
M16 in Cambridge, Cambs =England=
Name: Gordon Rouse <gordon.rouse-at-theoffice.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: A-levels in september
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 7 months ago.
Cause of Death: lymphomatic cancer; Aged: 25.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of a life on eath, leading into an undescribable new
dimension.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didnt know how I should feel - what I should feel, and who needed my
suport the most.
--That first time, how it happened was
my sister. My first ever experience with death, from the one i least
expected to die.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the thought of the person never coming back - and the guilt of all
the times I didnt say what I meant to say.
--What I think my (England) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to talk about it - and not to treat those survivors after the death
with insesitivity.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the bringing of my family closes together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the help i recieved from a local female priest.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the quiteness of the house when retturning at night.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
say what you think - dont hide your feelings as this may be the last
chance you ever get to show how you feel.
--[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
wish to help others to get through such troubles times.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didnt ever have this emotion before and my mind was just trying to
deal with it in the best way.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell the person how I felt.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say goodbye. Before she died.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people could laugh and joke after the funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i am in bed at night - and all is quiet.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I wanted to say how I felt.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the best here in england. they dealt with most of it very well.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support. a saftey net.
--Regarding MONEY:
we thought we didnt have enought to pay for the funeral.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the magnitude of friends attending
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
saying goodbye
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
cremation / burial, the switching off of life support.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would like to know - so i could say goodbye.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Guilt
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
ok.
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Mon Jul 28 14:07:47 1997
F17 in Memphis, Tn =U.S.A.=
Name: Holly Millard <Millard!-at-juno.com>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Prof/Studies: Massage Therapist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: drunk Driver; Aged: 14.
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1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
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Mon Jul 28 10:57:21 1997
F29 in Springfield, Virginia =U.S.=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Infoseek - mental health surveys
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Prof/Studies: Image Consultant
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: shooting; Aged: 19.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
where your physical body is no longer alive, but your spiritual body
is located in another place. Depending on how your physical life was
lead, you will live a spiritual life for eternity in a place called heaven
or a place called hell, which is det ermined by a higher being (God), and
by how you lived your physical life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused about heaven and hell concept, and sad that I wouldn't
see this person again, and that I couldn't say goodbye and tell them I
loved them.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My great grandmother died. I was about 6
years old maybe. She died of old age. It was the first time I was told
about heaven. I didn't understand why there was a place that someone
could go to that I couldn't visit or see, but that I'd go there one day
when I got old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
how this person effected the lives around him so profoundly, and he
did this without trying to. We were so young, just out of highschool,
full of hopes and dreams for our lives - but his was taken away. It's not
something you consider at that age o f being a possibility. We were so
idealistic and where I grew up, so far removed from violence at that
point, that it was a shock to have to bury a friend with so much promise.
It made all of us who were his friends value our friendships more and our
ti me together more, and I think it made us all more willing to share our
love for eachother more openly.
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
There is a heaven and hell. Death can happen at any time - are you
prepared for where you may spend eternity? And that death isn't
necessarily "bad" if you live your life right - as much as you can.
Heaven is a place of peace. I can't imagine a b etter place to be for
eternity.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I am more compassionate towards people, and more likely to tell
people how much I care for them - before it's too late.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Knowing the people I loved, believed in God and would be going to
heaven. I'll see them again someday.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The senselessness of his death. He was murdered.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I've never been present at someone's death.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
about how important it is to express your love, admiration and care
for someone else.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was young and didn't understand the concept of heaven/hell.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didn't laugh outloud, but had the urge to. I have no idea why.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him I admired him, was proud of him, cared for him, loved him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
?
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
At the wake, a song was played by Diana Ross, I think, about her
friend that was murdered - I can't remember his name or the name of the
song. It allowed all of us to cry and bond in sense together our common
grief and love for him (our friend who d ied). Very intense.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I dream about him. In my dreams he is not dead, he was just lost
somewhere with amnesia. In other dreams, he is trying to give me a
message, but I can't get close enough to him to hear him. He was my
highschool sweethearts twin brother, and in the first scenario where he
had amnesia, I'm trying to get him to stay in one place (the mall or
wherever I see him), while I go get his brother and mother. When I get
back to the place where I left him, he's gone, and his family is angry
with me for playin g a cruel joke on them. In the 2nd scenario where I
can't get to him, I get angry at him for not coming closer, for not
yelling his message to me, like he's playing a game with me. When I wake
up, I'm angry with myself for not being smarter in reuniting
his family with him, or I'm angry because I was angry with him in the
first place. I then feel like I miss him terribly.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone like him would be shot. He was the nicest person, never
confrontational with anyone, always wanting to be someone's friend rather
than adversary. He just started college on a partial basketball
scholarship and had such promise. He wou ld have helped anyone, yet he
was tricked by a group of people who had been robbing people by removing
street signs in a particular neighborhood. If someone was unfamiliar with
the area, they'd stop and ask for directions, when this group would pull a
gu n and rob them. This time, they shot my friend and he died instantly.
He only had $5 in his wallet. I wonder what his last thoughts were. Was
he afraid? Did he have a chance to say anything or did they shoot him
immediately and not care what he had t o say? Did they have to shoot him?
He would have given his money up gladly.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
It's difficult, but not so difficult I would do anything. What can I
do that would change the outcome of what happened?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
it was a year later. It doesn't seem to hit me until much later when
someone is gone. I think the mechanism I use to survive something like
this is to "numb out". It's hard to believe that that person was in your
life for a period of time, or just yesterday, but today they are gone.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I don't know that they could have done anything.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that he was going to heaven, he was no longer in pain, and he would
be at peace forever. It also means that I would see him again.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I don't know what you mean exactly.
--Regarding MONEY:
His family had enough insurance to bury him - that's all that was
necessary.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
We were all sad. All loved him very much and maybe some regret that
we were so carefree about our feelings for each other instead of serious
about how we felt for each other.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Doesn't apply.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I don't know what your question is exactly.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I knew of none.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
None that I know of.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
My friend - I love him, miss him and can't wait to see him. My
unborn son: I can't wait to see him and I love him. Nothing is
unresolved.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Let people know if you have any wishes. Life support, burial vs.
cremation, donation of body parts for others to survive. All of these I
have made clear to several people and have a living will.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
The only regret I would have is to have not experienced motherhood.
I think I have made clear how I feel for people that are significant to
me. Otherwise, I would welcome death if it were to happen. If I knew
ahead of time that I was dying at a ce rtain time, I would remind as many
people as I could that there is a heaven and hell - to make the choice now
where they will be going by changing their lives.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I had an abortion when I was 16. Years later, still feeling the
guilt of the event, I bought a balloon filled with helium. Named my
child, put the approximate age he would be by writing it on the balloon
and said a prayer asking for forgiveness and peace in my life over this
matter. I then released the balloon and watched it float to heaven. This
was a "service" I performed by myself for me and my unborn son.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Every November (around the time my son would have been born), I light
a candle, say a prayer and tell him I love him and will be with him again
someday.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
my religious belief system is what helps.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Family's Insensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I've thought about the subject of death at length since my friend
died. The experience wasn't new.
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Sun Jul 27 13:35:44 1997
F27 in NYC, NY =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: N/A
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: No, I'm sorry. I've not read anything on the subject.
Authors:
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: herion overdose (I think); Aged: 24.
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--Death Is:
The last hurrah. "The comedy is over", as (Mozart/Beethoven?) said.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Lost my shit for a while. He died in my arms.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... this past December a good friend overdosed on
heroin. Then in April, so did my boyfriend. Your age question is a bit
vague. This all happened at age 27. The first time I've ever seen or had
anyone die.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
The sickly smell of flowers at the wake.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I'm not certain of anything. I would not presume to be. Especially
about death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I am grateful for nothing in having lost [my friend]. Perhaps it's
just to soon yet.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The misery I witnessed.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't be.
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Am not sure I've learned all that much yet. Aside from how
indiscriminately heroin kills. I will never go near it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
What's to confuse a person? A person's alive and then they're dead.
It seems pretty cut and dry.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughing seems the opposite of crying, and there's only so much
crying one can do.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell him I love him again.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there for his family.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I'm not sure there is an "important part of the death process."
Perhaps I do not understand the question.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The wake, the priest, et. al. However, it DID matter. If that is
the way his family needed to grieve, they were right. After all, he wasn't
even there.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am invited to have dinner with his family.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Yeah, it's just not fair. But neither is life. Why should death be
any different?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Hide. From his family, that is.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I understood and acknowledged at the same time. I learned over the
phone. I fell off my chair and then went out for drinks with his friends
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
One can only do their best.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I don't beleive in it.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I am sorry. I feel no "spirituality."
--Regarding MONEY:
I don't know. His parent took care of eveything.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The hypocracy of the priest and those sickly smelling flowers.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I'm not bothered anymore. He knew whatthe risks of what he was doing
were, and he took them.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I haven't a clue.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It's personal.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I've have none. I suppose it's because I don't beleive in that. Once
dead, you're worm food.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
It's never happened. (But I have been close, more times than I can
count. The life of a junkie is "iffy" at best.) By all accounts, I did
actually die one night. However, there were no tunnels or light. I woke
up and didn't even know it'd happened.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I'm not bothered anymore.
I miss him. But there is nothing "unresolved".
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't care what people think of me now. I can't imagine feeling
anything once I'm dead.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
When it happens, it happens.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Well, when my 1 friend died, I cut my hair very short. When another
friend died back in December, I cut up my arms. But I'm not sure you
could call either of those "coping rituals."
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Well, I can assure you I won't try either heroin or suicide (well
over 20 attempts) ever again.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I helped everyone else. That strangely seemed to help.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Other:
I wasn't ready to let go. But I suppose that's natural.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
The experience? I answered a bunch of questions. That's all. Sorry
to disappoint.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I'm quite sure you know what you're doing. Far be it from me to
suggest otherwise.
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Sun Jul 27 12:56:07 1997
F32 in , Kansas =United States=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I entered Physchological surveys in my yahoo search
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 13 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 50.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
For us humans, death of a loved one is incredibly sad and a
longlasting pain or emptiness.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt like I was walking around in limbo and not really alive. An
overbearing sadness.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father had his first heart attack at age 31
and died at 50 after having 6 heart attacks between and an open heart
surgery. I was born when he was 31. He died when I was 19.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
how much I wanted to be left alone to cry. I felt I was being
"stared" at the funeral with people just waiting to see the breakdown or
display of emotion. I felt vulnerable and resentful of others.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's an ongoing pain that does not end with the funeral.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I recall the flowers which, a gift as they were and truly beautiful,
they too, I had to watch die. I remember the gift of friendship of all
those that came to the funeral.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I'm having a hard time thinking of any support. I suppose other
people's concern for my well being. My nephew of 3 and my niece of 1 and
their hugs helped a lot.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Was knowing I would have to go on with life and never have him be a
part of it again, no one to boost my self confidence and love me as
unconditionally as I felt he did.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
know that it's important to talk about the person and let their
memory live on. It's important to tell others how you feel and how much
you miss them and want them back, and that it's okay to feel that way.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I could not understand the anger stage
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didn't experience that, but if I had I would say it was a way of
releasing the shock of it all.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be with my dad when he actually died. To have still been living with
him in the year before his death, to spend as much precious time as I
could have.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help with funeral arrangements and have the opportunity to spend the
time sitting so many hours beside his grave.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the gathering of people and the support offered. I really don't have
a good answer to this question.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Eating. Everyone was so concerned about making sure everyone was
eating good meals and it was the least of our concerns.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
every important accomplishments or goal is finally achieved, he's not
there to share in it. When I have problems I just wish I could share with
him and get his opinion or help. When I look at other living father
daughter relationships and wonder if they know just how great it is to
still have each other. When I look at people from a mature adult level
and know I'll never have the opportunity to know my father through adult
eyes. When I wish I could somehow replace him with a boss or
father-in-law, or one of my father's friends and I realize that can never
happen nor do they want to be for me what he was, or at least they don't
realize the need.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
When other people loose their parents when they are in their 20's and
30's, I find I have a hard time feeling sympathy because "at least they
got more years than I did", which such a "wrong" way to feel. It's just
not fair that I only got him for 19 years and you've gotten yours for 50.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Go to heaven and be with him now. Sometimes I wish I could relive
the death and funeral and pain, and I don't know why, other than I wish I
would have cried more at the funeral instead of being worried about what
others would think.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt lost and alone and made choices that weren't in my best
interest. I feared the future and made rash decisions.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
sadness that my father could not have lived longer to then be able to
participate in the latest advancements and cures.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
We were Catholic and I don't really feel the church helped very much.
My father was a big participator and 6 months after his death, someone
called and asked if he could usher at church.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I don't have a response for this.
--Regarding MONEY:
Money didn't seem to be an issue where the funeral itself was
concerned. I did have to quit school at the University and come back home
to live for awhile to see how things were going to be financially.
Personally, I think my mother just wanted the company. My 3 older
brothers no longer lived at home. There never has seemed to be any
financial difficulties since.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the long processional line from the church to the graveyard. It
meant a lot to us that our father was so well liked and loved by so many.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Thinking maybe, just maybe, his death was somehow faked and he was
actually living elsewhere. Just my wishful thinking.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I remember 3 days before my father died, I'd been home for Easter.
His arm was hurting, which is a clue for heart attacks, but he later told
me he was feeling fine. I remember many times as a child getting his
Nitroglycerin pills for him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Time really didn't seem to make it any better. I suppose it did to
some extent, but after so many years it still hurts me very much, more
than I believe it does for others. Acceptance maybe, is the hardest one.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I didn't experience this phenomena, although I do believe in it.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
This hasn't not happened to me.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I still need him, that's really all I can think. I don't have any
issues to resolve as we were on great standing when he died, we'd been
writing letters back and forth.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I haven't, but I feel it's important to make the "right to die"
formal papers. I hope that no one makes me linger on, and will just "let
me go", so that I can go "home", where I want to be. It's important to me
to be buried where I want to be.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I can't say I've ever thought about taking my own life, but I feel
very ready when God decides it is my time, I'm just ready for the pains of
this life to be over and to be with those people like my father that I
miss so very much.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Memorial Day has never been a day that is meaningful to me, so I
always took flowers to my father's grave on Father's Day. Carnations are
my favorites and I took a red for my mother, a pink for me and 3 blues for
my brothers. It meant more in my opinion. On another note, I've had 4
miscarriages, very earlier on, and I've planted a tree for each one in my
yard, that was helpful, to watch them grow.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still relate colors of flowers to meanings. I find myself
sitting toward the middle of the car in the driver's seat,
just as my father did. I carry a Chic-o-stick in the glove
department, just as he did, many little things like that.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Passage of Time
Time just doesn't seem to go by fast enough and its been 13 years.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was emotional and sad but helpful in sharing my feelings
and thoughts, which I believe is good for everyone to do.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
The only question I'd like to be included is: How do you wish things
could be now, or maybe, my dream for what if he hadn't died....
Another one is: If I could speak to him now, just one more
time, what would I say?
[Ed Note: Added 8/12/97 ]
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Sat Jul 26 18:43:22 1997
M27 in Denton, Texas =USA=
Name: <biff-at-iglobal.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: unclear; Aged: 32.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of everything for the person who died.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 11. My dad died of a heart attack.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I came home from school, and the family dog
was dead in the back yard. You didn't say it had to be a person that
died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
Well, the most recent death in my life was my aunt 2 years. She was
Korean and very much loved. I remember being honored to be a pallbearer,
and I remember sitting through another boring Catholic service.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that's it. There's nothing on the other side.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I can't think of a thing.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
friends who shared the same experiences as me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
re: my friend's death from 6 years ago - the hardest part was
accepting the senselessness of this young, healthy, vibrant man's death.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I've never been there at that time.
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I don't know that I learned anything useful.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the moment I was told. I knew it had to be a mistake.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It's true. That whole weekend travelling to funeral was just so
strange and surreal. The memories I have of that weekend now really make
me laugh. A lot of it was just crazy.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
meet my friend sooner than I did. But, of course, that wasn't up to
me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I've always been thankful that I called him just a couple of days
before he died. His death, by the way, was very sudden, so it wasn't an
effort to talk to him before it happened. He happened to die two days
after his birthday.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The funeral was held in a high school auditorium, and it was Standing
Room Only. There was nothing small about the way this man lived or died.
He was so well loved, and that's what impressed me the most.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Everyone's glad he's in a better place. I know that's not true.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
You put it pretty well already.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I think I've covered this question already.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
It's been six years. It doesn't get difficult.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
simply couldn't function.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
It was too sudden; there wasn't much they could do.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I've covered this, too
--Regarding MONEY:
I have no idea.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Again, the funeral was SRO - it was pretty amazing.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I don't know - the whole thing's weird
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
You can't watch for it. It'll happen when it happens.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
time is the best healer.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
This is a silly question.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
Again, it was 6 years ago, and he was one of my closest friends. I
wish to see him again, but there's nothing unresolved.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
When I die, I will be very upset if people do not have fun at my
funeral. They can mourn for me on their time, but my funeral is "my"
funeral, and my friends and family are going to treat me in death the way
they would in life. I like to have fun; I like my friends to have. They
damn well better.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't want to die, but I accept there's nothing I can do about it,
so why worry about it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Time with friends is the only way to deal with it.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I'm not real sure what you're asking.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was a diversion.
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Sat Jul 26 14:04:39 1997
Anoymous Guest
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Lover, 5 days ago.
Cause of Death: AIDS; Aged: 21.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
passing into a black, god forsaken hole
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
took a lot of downers and stayed drunk for almost a whole week
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the glassy up turned eyes
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
them not being around anymore
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Illicit Drugs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Illicit Drugs
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Fri Jul 25 17:17:45 1997
F30's in , PA ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: Social Worker specializing in d/a and grief with adolescents
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 1/2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: alcoholism, accident, health problems; Aged: 80+.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of physical being
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I was 6 and a playmate/neighbor was hit by a
car. He was 8. I did not see the accident - my father told me
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
guilt for not resolving issues
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
needs to be more open in discussing it
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
guilt of unresolved issues and inability to express grief
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
resolve issues and say goodbye and thank him
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the detalis surrounding his illness and death
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize traits I possess which emulate him
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my parents' divorce affected my relationship with my grandfather
so terribly
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
cry and express my grief and get resolution
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
fely guilty and sad and relieved
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
a more aggressive attempt to attack the disease earlier would have
been nice
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding MONEY:
my grandfather's death resulted in my grandmother's relocation to a
managed care center from the home she'd shared with my grandfather for
decades.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
could not attend
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I feel I still have a few more things to accomplish before I die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
every Christmas eve, writing a letter to the deceased and burning it
in the fireplace, creating a memory book/box
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Religion/Clergy
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Wed Jul 23 22:05:36 1997
F37 in Peterborough, NH =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: injuries in an auto accident; Aged: 72.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of life,
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young for it too really have an effect on me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My friend died of liecumia(cancer)
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
I was lost! I lost my mother, My best friend.I felt empty. the worst
part was that I had to do the empting of the house, Because my brothers
couldn't deal with it. My husband and I fought alot. because I was
preoccupied in taking care of my mothers house over our own and I was very
possesive of my mothers things. I was a bitch I was angry at the actions
of my family's wants
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is a private thing, and that I myself would rather not have to
play hostess after a funeral. I would rather go home and reflect on my
lost ones life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I was able to share in their lives. and they in mine. they are
the ones who I get my traits from, Good and bad. all the same They are a
part of me
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I was my own support. Everyone else fell around me. My brother and
husband were there if I needed them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching them die after the life support was taken off, It was not
what I had expected, It was not quiet like the movies I had to leave,
Before the very end. It was too scarry for me I don't know why it just was
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Now know that you are not truly an adult until you have lost your
parents.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when it was happening.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It is a form of release and I am not ashamed of any laughing or joking
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
To ask the many questions I now have and want a mothers answer to
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
to be with her right before she died, But not at the moment of death
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
it was not quiet like on tv
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
is a funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about my sister, She died 10 years ago, overseas.in
childbirth, I still get emotional when I think of her, we had such good
times together
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That they have to die. so many things are left unfinished.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
wish them back
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
got angry and cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
a bunch of assholes. who were un giving of their time
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
In my fathers case they were very caring and giving,
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing religion is not a part of my life.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Perfectly fine,
--Regarding MONEY:
some of the people in my family had been waiting for years for my
mother to die. and I hope that they got what they wanted!
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Having to play hostess and not being able to comfort my children
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Leaving my Brother alone to watch our mother die, I feel terribly
guilty not being there for him
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I really can't answer that
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I wish I was there till the end. I don't know why.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
when My sister died I felt her squeeze my foot In my mothers case the
phone rang and some one was looking for my father who died 15 years
earlier,
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
That I do not want a funeral and I will donate
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have and it scares me the unknown scare me
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I planted a tree
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
The memories
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? -none-
The funerals, and everyone tring to help
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was a good release to be able to get some of my feelings down
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
only that your questions relate to a particular person and there is
more than one person that has died close to me and I felt that to explain
my thoughts I had to go with one person, When other peoples deaths also
have effected me
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Wed Jul 23 02:43:57 1997
F27 in Aberystwyth, Ceredigion =United Kingdom=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
free smaple news
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 88.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when someone ceases to exist.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried.
--That first time, how it happened was
A pet gerbil died of a brain tumor
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
my mother had never looked to me for emotional support before
--What I think my (United Kingdom) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it happens and cant just be hidden away or forgotten about behind pretty
"with deepest sympathy" cards.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
remembering all in my ken who have died every Samhain/Halloween
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
It happened on the day of my best friends' wedding.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
this culture has a tendency to attribute Christian values to people by
default. people should have the right NOT to be attended by a christian priest if
that is not their belief.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Afraid inside. Was brought up anti-religious with the concept that death was
*it*. The end. No further existience. Whilst if true, I wouldn't be there to know
I didnt exist, still very scary. I also have a philosophical belief in
reincarnation in one form or another - not necessarily that separate individual
souls reincarnate, but that souls form from some pool to which we are returned,
sort of. But still doubts.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Every Samhain (aka Halloween) we light candles for evryone we have known who
has died and talk about what we remember most about them.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Upbringing
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Wed Jul 23 01:18:22 1997
F28 in Vancouver, WA =US=
Name: Angela Shane <arshane-at-paclink.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Community Development
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: "Letters to Mothers" Books dealing specifically the issue of daughters who lose their mothers at different stages of their lives.
I can't remember the title.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: diabetes; Aged: 42.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of a relationship. The bond that exists begins to fade and we grieve
for what is lost. A sense of lonliness sets in as we realize the important role
that person played in our lives. Guilt sets in as we realize what we could have
done differ ently but now it is too late.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was 5 years old when my great grandmother died from cancer. She was in the
hospital for several weeks before passing away. I was not allowed to see her or
attend the funeral. I was frightened that all of a sudden someone whom I loved
and depende d on was no longer accessible. However, due to my age I had a lack of
awareness of the meaning of death.
--That first time, how it happened was
My mother died of diabetes in her sleep when she was 42 years old. I was
about 24 years old and although I had known people who had died and attended
funerals. I had never had anyone close to me pass away. Her death was sudden
although she had been
sick all of my life.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
The sense of lonliness and mortality. I began searching my belief system for
answers to what happens to us when we die. I needed to know she was going to be
safe and loved. I also felt anger for her leaving me when I needed her.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to talk about it and to understand that death is a part of the life
cycle. I think people ignore what they feel frightened of. I remember after my
mother's funeral the entire family gathered at a remote cousin's house. People I
hadn't seen for years gathered laughing and talking about everything but my
mother. I remember sitting them thinking they are already forgetting about her.
Even today I have to talk about her to have them remember her. It is distrubing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I feel like many transitional events in our lives, death forces us to look at
our own paths and accomplishments. I used my mother's death to push me to attend
college. I feel a need to make my life meaningful so that my mother's life had
some meani ng.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
After my mother's death, I made a friend who was about her age (42) and who
had lost her mother to alcholism when she was my age. It helped to have someone
who understood what it was to lose that special relationship to talk to. I also
found solice in books dealing with near death experiences and books specifically
dealing with women who have lost their mothers at different times in their lives
and how they coped with the loss.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Realizing how crappy I treated my mom. I felt as her child I kept her from
realizing her dreams and accomplishing something with meaning. I took my mother's
presence for granted. After she was gone I felt an incredible since of lonliness
as I realized how much she meant to me and my life.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To be there for them regardless. My mother died in her sleep and I feel
terrible I didn't get to say goodby to her. I feel as if she had to die alone
with anyone to say it was okay. It scares me to think she may have been afraid.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I learned to pull positive outcomes from tragedy. I think that I would not
have accomplished everything I have today or matured if my mother hadn't of died.
I also think that women need to know that losing a mother is a unique experience
that no one can understand until it has happened to them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized that she was not ever coming back. I came to the conclusion that
the sense of loss never leaves it just becomes easier to bare. Mothers day and
holidays will never be the same for me again. In some ways, I think a part of who
I was died with her.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
There were times at first that I felt relieved that she was gone. I felt as
if a burden had been lifted to a degree. This was only at certain times not all
the time.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Validate her as women with hopes dreams and desires. I wish she could know
me now after I have grown up and have left behind the spoiled brat ideals I had
before she died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
In some ways, my mother's death released the obligations she placed on me. I
felt I could define who I was without critiism. My mom was a bit over protective
and she often took too good of care of me. I was forced to support myself and I
feel like I can live on my own now.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people quit talking about her. I felt her memory was fading. My father
began to date after 6 months and no one would talk about 'what Mary used to do" I
felt angry with them for awhile.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see things relating to mother daugther relationships or the death of a
close loved one. I now know the pain they are feeling and the sense of loss. It
hurts to know they have to go through their own process and I can't rob them of
the pain they must endure.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I have to be left behind to figure out things on my own.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
At one point I felt very depressed and could not see the point of remaining
on this earth. I have sense saught medical attention and no longer felt that way.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was by myself after a few months. Everyone was getting over it and I feel as
I get started the process of greiving. I felt as if I had to arrange and take care
of everthing right after so I ignored the process. It wasn't until later when I
had no o ne to go shopping with or call talk to about my day is when I realized
she was never going to be part of my life. Each time I reach a milestone, getting
married, graduating, having my baby, I feel as if I go through the process all
over. Time does heal alot but it is never the same.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The medical community would not perscribe anti depressiants until I was
practically suicidal even though I asked many times for something for depression.
The medical community (medical doctors) haven't a clue to the death/dying
emotional process for survivors.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
N/A
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I do not suscribe to an organized religion. For my family it was not a part
of it.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting. I like to think that death is a natural event that occurs for
everyone. It is a part of life. I do not want to fear it, but embrace it when
the time comes as a part of my life journey.
--Regarding MONEY:
Actually, the day mom died, she recieved a large insurance check in the mail
for a elderly cousin she had cared for a few years before. The insurance company
tracked my Mom down as a beneficiary. Thus, there was more then enough money for
the funer al. I do not have any brothers or sisters so money was not a big issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I have two daughters who were two and five at the time. Unlike my childhood,
I involved them completely in the process of the funeral and viewing the body. I
took them to a grief specialist counselor to break the news to them. My mother was
a secon d mother to the girls and I wanted to make sure I handled the situation
right.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Was the sense of lonliness and anger that I experienced several months later.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
lack of color and an odor about the person.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I had a delayed reaction. I felt that the more I stuffed the emotion the
longer it took fo healing to begin.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My mother often talked about visitations from loved ones who were gone, but
since she died in her sleep I don't know if this occured prior to death.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I read a book called "Saved by the Light" which is a womans near death
experience. It helped me to understand what my mother went through was not bad but
a part of life. It is very comforting to know that people have similiar
experiences.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I have had to do alot of introspective and therapy to deal with the fact I
hindered my mothers discovery of herself. I feel that she never will know me as
the person I have become. I try to tell myself she sees me and knows what I have
done and why , but I am not sure.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I believe we must respect the rights and wishes of the dying. We are not
feeling the pain or having to watch our loved ones in pain as they watch us die I
feel it is important to pay attention to funeral arrangements and understand that
the person ha s a desire for their last party to take place or not to take place.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My perspective on death has changed. I am no longer afraid. I feel in some
ways it will be another level of growth. I definatly respect my mortality. When
a person who you grow up depending on and some one strong in your life dies, it
shakes you sense of security.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I kept a journal of my feelings during the time. I also will visit her grave
site periodically (every 6 months) I cried hard each time but I feel rejuvinated
to deal with life. It is sort of a reality check for me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still keep a journal and visit her gravesite.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
I read several books on near death experiences and about mother/daughter
realationships with respect to a sever in the relationship from a death.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Guilt
The unique relationship of a mother and daughter. The bond that was
eliminated with death the feeling of lonliness.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I felt the survey was well organized and though out. The questions made me
think about what I felt during the process and covered all points in the process.
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Tue Jul 22 16:48:44 1997
F22 in Springfield, MO =USA=
<waynesgirl-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Human Resources
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 9 months ago.
Cause of Death: falling off a cliff while rock climbing; Aged: 23.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
many things. To some people it is the end of everything. To other people it
is a passage to an eternal life. And for many others it is a mystery that is
surrounded by fear.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't believe he really died. I thought everyone was playing a cruel joke
on me until I saw him lying in the coffin. I was very angry at God and the whole
world.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my Grandfather was shot in an attempted robbery.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the shock of it all. He was so young. You know that young people die every
day in accidents, etc., but you never think it is going to happenn to you or
someone you know.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to talk about it in a different manner. It seems like every day people
make references like "I could have died when he found out..." or things like that,
but when someone dies, they don't know how to comfortably talk about the death of
the person so they usually avoid the subject when possible.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
dealing with feeling of guilt about the things I didn't do or didn't say
before his death.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
You always wish you had the opportunity to tell them how much they mean to
you just one more time or to apologize for something you did or didn't do.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
with major event in my life, like my graduations from high school and college
or my future marriage, there is always a "bitter-sweet" feeling because my grandpa
will never get to experience those things with me
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he died so young. With my grandpa: for no real purpose. There wasn't
any money in the safe. With my friend: He had just got his life on track and was
happy.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just forget about it for a little while and think about it at a more convient
time. Also, I wish I could accept it without thinking about it being fair or not.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how people brought up things at the funeral that had no business being
brought up there (like someone's unfaithfulness, etc.)
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it is different for every person you know who dies. All deaths bring pain
and sorrow, but some also bring a sense of relief if the person had suffered for a
long time.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
when my friend died at 23, I think it made all of us look at our own
mortality. For me it scared me to think about it because even though I believe in
God, there is a little part of me that wonders what will happen on the "other
side" of death if God doesn't really exist.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
My grandfather and I always celebrated our birthdays together because they
were only three days apart. He didn't like frosting on his cake so every year
there was one piece left unfrosted for him. After he was killed, we still left
one piece unfrosted on my cake and I would always be the one to eat it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Other:
The fact that it was a senseless death...there was no money in the safe,just
documents
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It caused a little bit of anxiety for me because I still am not totally
comfortable facing my own mortality and many times when I think of those I lost, I
think of my own death in the future.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
One question that might be interesting to know is how people would want their
funeral to be if they could decide. Some people would prefer to have a
celebration of their life instead of a mourning of their death, etc.
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Mon Jul 21 23:57:10 1997
F50 in Forest Grove, Oregon =U.S.=
Name: Diane Medley <diane-at-direct-source.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Doing personality tests & surveys.
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Prof/Studies: Housekeeper/Nanny
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: The Bible; Chief Seattle's Speech; Daughter's of the Earth
Authors:
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: emphasema; Aged: 69.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Like walking thru a door into the next world. Our loved ones who have left
before us are there to help us thru.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried. I was hard to eat , do fun things, Because I thought of how that
person wasn't here to do these things too.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... A distant uncle I had just met who had come to visit
family committed suicide by letting a train run over his head.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
Missing that person's presence, & feeling that it wasn't fair that he had to
leave in such a way because he was a very good person & had lived a hard life, not
haveing as much fun here as he should have.
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How not to fear it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was able to give my love & support, to let him know he was not alone, Mom
& I took turns holding his hand until it was taken from the other side. Dad also
appeared to my Mom; it gave her great comfort , she knew she'd see him again.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My children & my beliefs.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Their suffering & having to "let go", wandering if they really knew how much
I had always loved them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Touch them, hold their hand, talk softly to them, let them know they are not
alone & how loved they are. Let them know it's ok to leave because they'll feel
better soon & you'll see them later.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Was very strong, for him, & my Mom.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
He drew his last breath. I didn't want to leave Him until I knew for sure he
was not going to draw another breath; until I knew it was only his shell there.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never had the urge to laugh, but for those who do I would say that it was
due to stress, maybe grief, or hysteria.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Let him know I was sorry for any disagreements we had as I was growing up &
that I know he did the best he knew how.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Comfort & console my Mom.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
At the deathwatch the unity & closeness among the ones present that maybe
hardly ever see each other.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I don't know about the rest of the family, but speaking for myself , flowers,
to me flowers aren't important.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm missing not being able to go see Him & talk to him. Or when the holidays
come & his birthday.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
He should have been able to more enjoy his golden years, not be ill, not to
have to suffer as he did.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
It's never so bad that I can't handle it, I know I'll see my Dad again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
regretted that I hadn't spent more time with Him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
irratation. When a person is dying the med. comm. sees them as a source of
money for their establishments & I won't say what I think of funeral homes making
their money off of people's grief.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I had no contact with a hospice but I think they are great if the patient
can't be at home. I wouldn't mind doing vol- enteer work in one in a couple of
years.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing at this time. A minister seen my Dad. I prayed for him, but didn't
go to church to do it.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Positive & uplifting.
--Regarding MONEY:
Everything was taken care of .
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Dad requested no funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
It seemed like a dream. You always think Mom & Dad will be here.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
In some cases, mental confusion, drifting in out of sleep, loss of appetite,
sometimes talking of "going home" or of one's own death. In the final stages,
coldness starts in the feet & works it way up, the breathing becomes labored or
shal low, more time passes between breathes. Color leaves the face, more ashen in
appearance. I have seen a person with a slight smile & a facial glowing appearance
as the end is approaching. But the coldness setting in is very prevalent.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It seemed like a dream, then relief that He was happy & well again, not
suffering, & then the sadness of not being able to see him, talk to him,going to
see Mom, but Dad wasn't there, then feeling it was for the best for him & I'll see
him again.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't know of Him haveing one. I hope he did.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
None.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
All issues are taken care of.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Life support. No assisted dying, let it happen naturally. Make sure I have
the Last Rites or for a Protestant a minister if desired. How they want to be
dealt with after death, funeral, burial, etc.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I've given my mortality alot of thought. I hope for an easy death but one
where I have made my peace with God, & time to tell my loved ones how much I love
them & I'll see them later. If I knew I was going to die soon I'd be upset, I feel
like two of my kids still need my help, & I want to be with my grandchildren
longer. As far as my own death I don't want any flowers cause I'll have all I
want where I'm at, I want cremated & my ashes buried in our beautiful Oregon woods
or in the cemetary looking out to the forest- hills. Haven't decided yet. I want a
Catholic Mass said. No frills to pay those who live off death thru people's grief.
I don't want my kids visiting my ashes, cause I won't be there, I don't want them
where I'm not, feeling sad.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
A prayer for his soul, & a conversation with him.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
None that I haven't always done.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Mostly my belief in God & in life after death.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Other:
The sadness of seperation for maybe a long time.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was ok, but my feelings & thoughts on death & dying have always been
pretty stable & pat.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
None.
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Mon Jul 21 12:16:32 1997
F24 in Walker, MN =USA=
Name: Carrie Opheim <opheimcj-at-msx.upmc.edu>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Under a site for psychological studies on the net
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Prof/Studies: Research Associate, Psychology Research
More personal info:
I live in Pittsburgh now but am from MN originally
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: colon complications; Aged: 86.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
generally a sad thing, though views of death differ greatly in different
cultures. Speaking for American culture, I think it's generally a bad thing,
because someone we love has left us. But I think we find comfort in our religion
to know that the person has gone to heaven or the equivalent
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was surprised at my reaction. I guess I never had antici pated how I might
react.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... It was my former babysitter. I don't think I was
under her care anymore, but I certainly remem bered who it was and my mother told
me she died. I went to view the body but did not go to the funeral. I was
probably only 6 or 7 years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
The fact that I didn't have any family around to support me. I was away at
college, and my mom called me on the phone after the fact, when she had been with
him for days before and knew he was going to die. In a way it was good I didn't
have any family around, but I had little support too.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it's not a bad thing. It's hard to keep sight of that when all we can
think about is how much we'll miss them, but other cultures celebrate the person's
life rather than dwell on the death, and I think that's a much more positive way
to deal with it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the fact that I appreciated my grandfather so much more when he was gone. It
would've been better to realize that when he was still alive, but now I can speak
of him with such pride and admiration, in a way that wouldn't be possible if he
were still alive. I've just gained so much appreciation for him, and his memory
has been strengthened because of it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I don't really feel like I had alot of support. My friends at college helped
me a great deal when I first found out, but once I was around my family,
everything became very hush hush and mysterious. My grandmother has always been a
great source of support for me, so I would say even though she was going through a
harder time than I was, she was there for me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling like I couldn't say goodbye. I remember the last time we visited him
in the hospital, and I suppose that was intended to be our goodbye, but for denial
reasons or whatever, I didn't allow it to be.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk more with him. My grandfather was a legend in life, and is even moreso
in death. There was something about him that made it difficult to talk to him - I
don't know if my brothers and cousins experienced the same thing. I just wish now
that we could've broken down that barrier because my grandmother tells me now what
a wonderful man he was, and I never got to experience it first hand.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
cry and deal with it immediately. I didn't cry at the funeral which was a
little frustrating, but once we got in the car to drive home, I had this
tremendous release of emotion. My family probably thought I was crazy, but that's
when it hit me and I'm glad it did.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that we get left behind to mourn the loss. And my family doesn't deal with
things very well, so it's doubly hard.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
shake my family and make us deal with things more openly. It was my mother's
father, and though I'm sure she did, I don't remember her crying. She didn't seem
to live through it for herself because she wanted everything to be OK for everyone
else. And I would think it would've been extra hard for her, because she lost her
mother many years before, so this was her last parent.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn't stop crying. I really went into shock, which I never would've
expected about myself. I curled up in a ball in the dorm shower and sat there and
cried until someone found me. I guess it goes to show that even when someone is
ill and death is inevitable, you're never really prepared for it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
a little disappointment. Though I didn't deal with them directly, my
grandmother felt like they were very insensi tive at times.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing but having a funeral in a church. I don't know if it meant more to
others in the family, but that's all it was for me. It made me think more about
my personal views on faith and spirituality.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like my grandfather is OK. I feel like he is taken care of and that his
existence now is infinitely better than it could've been on earth. I often
contemplate reincarnation, and if it's true, it would be nice for the earth to be
blessed with my grandfather's soul again.
--Regarding MONEY:
I don't really know. I think my grandfather was well-off, but I don't know
for sure. I guess I've indirectly benefit ed from his death, because his children
received money from his business dealings, and my mother has contibuted some of
that to my brothers and I.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it became evident how greatly he was admired. It was clear that he had
always been a fair, compassionate person, and it seemed that even acquaintences
had so many good things to say about him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was horrible to watch him die. The physical deterior ation of a great man
is a horrible thing. I was glad for him that he was cremated, though it was
harder for me to deal with it. It makes me think that I don't want to die like
that, and would probably opt for assisted suicide before it got to that point.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
Like I mentioned before, I wish I had a more personal relationship with him.
My grandmother tells me about how we were such buddies when I was little, and I
wish we had kept that. I don't really know how these feelings could be resolved,
and I don't think they're pressing enough to take action.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think especially for a very ill person, their wishes should be granted. I
mentioned before that my grandfather was cremated, and I would want the same for
myself, even though it may make it harder for others to say goodbye. I would want
the right to say that I don't want to live miserably anymore if I were ill, and I
think assisted suicide is a very humane and acceptable thing. I think it makes it
easier for everyone in the long run.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I've contemplated my own death alot, as I've been through a major depression
and thought about suicide. I think I'm afraid of immediate danger, but I'm not
afraid to die. The feelings I had when I contemplated suicide were ones of
extreme guilt, because I didn't want to leave my family behind in a state of
grief. If I knew I was going to die before I actually did, I think it would be
too much time to think about it and I would get very depressed. I wouldn't want
all that time to think about what I hadn't done.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Relatives made a collage of pictures of my grandfather, which I thought was a
wonderful thing because it celebrated his life. All the grandchildren also got
framed pictues of him, which is a nice way to never forget him and know he's in a
better place.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Family's Insensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was hard because it made me realize how much I've blanked out of my mind
of my few experiences with death. I can't recall many details, and that kind of
bothers me.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I think the sentence completion questions are a little restrictive. It would
be easier to state an idea and let the answerer phrase it how he/she wants.
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Mon Jul 21 10:06:09 1997
Anonymous F Guest in Huntington, WV =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Graduate student with a minor in counseling
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: brain hemorage; Aged: 38.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a passage of right from this present place to an eternal present place
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
hardly understood anything except that I would not get to see that person
ever again on earth.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my paternal grandmother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the extreme sadness that his wife and children would have to go on without
him
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
those left behind need time to grieve
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
be sure to tell loved ones how much I care for them on adaily basis
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my faith
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the memories
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
he was first stricken and watching him slowly die
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him one more time how much his friendship meant to me
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for his family
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he will not see his children graduate high school, have their first date
or grow old with his wife.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
cry but it doesn't help and could hurt the situation very much.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
inadequacy for myself, his immediate family and friends
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a reality to hang on to that transcends beyond the pain
--Regarding MONEY:
we barely buried him and now we have to face the debt of his hospitaliztion
and myriad bills
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It felt as though a lot of "lip service" was dished out and a lot of people
said they'd be there for us and now they are no where to be found
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
realizing that an ex-boyfriend was gone
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
there were none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I believe he knew we were friends and I would have helped him in any way
possible. I'm trying to stay close (but not to smother) to his wife and children
and make sure they are okay.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have the right to die with dignity but I also have the right to die
naturally without drugs or ventilators. Neither do I need a helping hand (such as
Kavorkian). God will take me home when He sees fit and man should leave me alone
until that time . If my daughter is still living at home with me I will want her
to meet her godparents and get to know them so the transition at my death is not
so over whelming that she does not survive.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have thought about my own death. If I knew I were going to die today or
even tomorrow I would spend my time with my family and putting last minute funeral
details together to remove burden from my loved ones. When I die I do not want
people to fe ar or be depressed. I know I will be missed and that will be hard
for them but I also know that if they will only believe on the Lord Jesus Christ
and accept Him as personal Savior that they will see me again.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Listening to his brother perform the music he sang in church
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Ability to Forget
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionnaire has simply given me someone to tell it to just like I want
it and just the way it is.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Perhaps you are leaving out some people such as exlovers, exboyfriends, etc.,
in your listings. Just because we do not progress beyond a certain stage does not
mean we lose the friendship and trust that we have for one another.
[ Ed note: Actually, we do have "Ex-" as one of the choices in our
relationship lists. ]
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Jul 20 18:40:38 1997
M21 in Montreal, Quebec =Canada=
Name: Ben <camil3-at-total.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
from yahou server
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Prof/Studies: Marketeer
More personal info:
I have nothing to say but if you have any questions call me
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 45.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
For me death is... a stage up or down in the cycle of life. During our life
we choose to become a better soul or the opposite. Just like building a house, we
put our effort to built it as good as we can. Then we live in it. The house
becomes old . And finally we start again. Either we renovate the house or build
another one. A better one or a different one. Life is that same cycle. You are
born. You live. You die and you improve yourself. You jump a level in the
hierarchy of life...
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
needed time to understand. Time to heel the scars. But then I felt like I
had a certain choice when she died. If I chose to see death as a negative
thing... I would feel pain. If Ii chose to see it as a positive thing, the energy
from that experi ence would be so great that I would understand more life. I
would feel better faster... no scars to heel... only gas to continue... no stick
in my wheel... only energy to continue.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My aunt died from cancer. She was very close to us...
but we were expecting it... she struggled for four years.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
People together... then I observed that you can get people together in good
and bad time... Death brings people closer...that's one good thing about it.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
can not understand the question...
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death is an opportunity to think about life. And if your intentions are
good... death is positive energy to feed you so that you can grow as a body and
soul.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Reading books... Philosophy books.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
no hard part... only good ones
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Know that with good intention... you are always a winner. And if you have
bad intentions... it's never too late.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was looking around me and seeing people crying... Why I said? The answer
came later when I understood the cycle of life.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
to every bad moment there is a good one.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
No regrets... regret is a negative emotion... The trick is to only have good
ones.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Church was another tool of my environnement that I used to exployed the
positive energy of death.
--Regarding MONEY:
Money should not be involved in death because money generates negative
energy. Think of money as rust corrupting metal. As pollution destroying our
water... Do you understand?
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
negative energy.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Why not? We are all connected anyways. Imagine a connection so strong
during two peoples lifetime. One of them dies. The one that dies jumps a level
of the hierarchy of life and the connection he had with his friend was so strong
that even after death the channels are still open. Why not?
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
The way I see it is that Image you almost die and you see a tunnel with a
light at the end.
For me the tunnel is the mother's vagina and the light is the hospital light. If
you live then the new born will die if you die then the new born will live.
It may be exagerated a bit but it's my way of caracterising reincarnation
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My death will be a party and those who know me are expecting it. And I hope
the memories I will take with me will be usefull for my next experience.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Seing it as a positive thing
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? What was it
I can't understand the question... sorry
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
When ever I have a chance to talk about life I do it and whatever I wrote may
be hard to understand.
If you have any questions... Please contact me at
camil3-at-total.net
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
all the questions that I wrote "I can't understand it"
[ Ed Note: Threfore, we have rephrased some questions... ]
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Jul 20 16:33:50 1997
F22 in Vancouver, B.C. =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
browsing for surveys etc.
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Prof/Studies: Office administrator
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Heart Attack; Aged: approx. 62.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of life in this world. Hard to deal with, especially if the person
is in pain
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Did not know how to cope, what to do
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandfather died, heart attack
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
The support of friends and family
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it happens to everyone
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It brought my family closer together
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Family and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Accepting the fact they were never coming back.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
did not try and ignore the fact, I dealt with it. It was not easy, and the
grief does end
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first heard of the death
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was an extremely huge emotional roller coaster of a time
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spent more time with my Grandfather
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Get on with my life without my Grandfather, and remember the good times we
shared
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Last words
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see old pictures, or during holiday times
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
HE was such a good man etc...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wept
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
feeling content
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Believing that he had gone to heaven.
--Regarding MONEY:
N/A
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I could not attend due to work and money issues
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I was told I would soon die I would worry about how the people I left
behind would feel etc.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Long walks, and time alone
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
Support of friends and family
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
Seeing my parents stuggle with dealing with the death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Emotional, stirred up old memories
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Sat Jul 19 09:18:37 1997
F16 in singapore, =singapore=
Name: Lynette Koh <lynk1-at-poe.org>
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Prof/Studies: student
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--Death Is:
a dark deep feeling when you feel as if you will miss the
person forever when it happens.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was devastated. i broke down when i first heard. the period following that
was terrible and i missed him so much. i got over it though...
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the huge feeling of emptiness.
--What I think my (singapore) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to not be afraid of sharing your feelings with the other people who are
also experiencing the great loss at the same time as you.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how it made me stronger.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the knowledge that i would not ever see him again as long as i lived.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell the person you love him or her and to truly forgive the person for
things that seem so unimportant now.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
felt much better after a certain period and the truth in the phrase that time
heals.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i thought how suddenly it could happen to anyone.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
you can't explain your emotions sometimes. and i think that it is good to be
able to think, even subconsciously, of happy times spent with the person and laugh
at the memory.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him how much i love and appreciate him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
feel better about it eventually.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my cousin hugged me to comfort me. that meant a lot.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the need to go through every single proper rite.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think about the moment i found out about it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
life is never fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
numb myself and not feel a thing
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
extreme unhappiness.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i believe there is a God out there and even though i don't know who he/she
is, there is definitely someone out there for everyone.
--Regarding MONEY:
there were a lot of problems and i felt disgusted.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how people who i never knew came to pay respects and even cried at the altar.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
thinking i saw my grandfather one of the days of the wake.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
little things. it can be totally unexpected. for my grandfather it was a
slight sickness a few days before and feeling cold.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
there is no set pattern to recovery but you will feel better
over time.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
at this point of time, death does not seem likely to occur to me and i feel i
would not be afraid of death itself. what scares me are the possible
circumstances surrounding my death. i want to go peacefully and at peace with the
world. i don't want to die a hateful person or with hate.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
screamed. cried. thought. talked. hugs. my family members helped a lot.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? What was it
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? What was it
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i haven't really thought of my grandfather's death as it occurred a few years
back. but i think about death sometimes so this qnnaire didn't really make that
big an impact or anything.
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Fri Jul 18 23:28:25 1997
F35 in Monterey, CA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: COPD, emphysema, alcoholism; Aged: 64.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the scientific termination of all aspects of the functioning of our bodies.
Death does not affect the Soul. At this point the alien would probably expect an
explanation of the Soul, but I don't wish to go into that right now.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wept, as I have every time. I weep out of my own selfishness for losing that
person I care for, and I weep because they are no longer here in physical form to
be with those they love, and they are unable, physically, to accomplish everything
they wa nted to in life.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... to me at age 2. I had severe pneumonia and was taken
to the hospital, although very sick and feverish, I understood quite well what
they were saying about me. I was examined, tubes were stuck in me, I was
medicated and then the dr told my parents that in 24 hours they would know -- ie,
if I was to die, it would be during the night. That night, in the children's
intensive care ward, I was visited by Christ. He sat next to me and held my hand
for the entire night. Ever since then, I have not been afraid of death, merely
curious.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
my heart ached for having to let my Dad go -- but I KNEW, with absolute
clarity, that where he was he was in no pain and that he was HAPPY. Knowing this,
made it possible for me to deal with my beloved Dad's death far quicker than I
have seen others deal with death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When I was in the hospital at age 2, and the vision I had of Christ, somehow
opened me up to something I am still learning about. But, to put it in a
nutshell, Death teaches you to appreciate Life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family -- very open about questions pertaining to Death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Touch -- when someone you love dies -- you can no longer touch them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Touch them -- especially someone in a hospital hooked up to all the machines
-- show them you are not afraid and they will not be afraid.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
know Death is not the END.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
As a child I had been told by school friends (of another religion) that Death
was an ending Judgement of your life. I am of the belief that Death is not a
judgement, but forgiveness for all. There is freedom for all Souls -- who can
find it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughter is a stress reliever -- it is why the Irish have wakes; in New
Orleans they strike up the band, etc. Only a few hours after my Dad died, my
brothers and I went to breakfast, reminisced, and laughed.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Let my Dad talk before he died. He had tubes in his throat and that made it
impossible for him to speak.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
ACCEPT.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I miss my Dad. Miss his voice, and his face.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Confusion. Although basically raised as an Episcopal -- I grew up around
friends who were CAtholic, Protestant, Baptist. All have different, and strong
ideas about death.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
No words to describe ------ :)
--Regarding MONEY:
Hospital bill (thankfully paid for by FAmily Services) funeral costs (to add
insult to injury, we were double-billed, the funeral home never filed a death
certificate on my Dad, and the IRS is now trying to collect taxes for the three
years he's been dead!)
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The AWFUL minister who took less than 5 minutes to find out who my Dad was
and turned my Dad's casket into a fire and brimstone pulpit. It was exceedingly
embarassing.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My Dad "re-lived" his life, and was "visited" by Other Side visitors a few
months before his collapse and eventual death. He was fascinated, exhilerated,
and somewhat scared. We talked about it, and it made him feel better that someone
in the family didn't think he was nuts.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I still talk to my Dad. Sometimes, he answers in my dreams.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I strongly support the rights and wishes of the person dying.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't want to die, especially since I am very much in love with my husband,
but I won't be afraid. I'll accept it, and live as fully as I can in the time
left to me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
My Dad -- he wasn't afraid of death, yet fought death with a magnificent spirit.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Very good questionaire. This is a subject that requires a lot of thinking,
and I find it refreshing to go over such thoughts. Others find it morbid. I do
not.
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Thu Jul 17 21:47:54 1997
Anonymous Guest in Burlington, VT =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Prof/Studies: Therapist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 25yrs ago.
Cause of Death: effects of alcoholism; Aged: 58.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a passage. This world- life on this planet- is just a stop on the journey of
life. We are, in fact, just passing through. It is sort of a "layover" on the
journey we must all complete. It is neither the beginning nor the end of it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
watched adults cry- knowing that something fearful had happened. I felt
curious and yet uneasy that I couldn't fix it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My uncle was killed in a farm accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
grieving for myself and the others left behind. At the same time, I felt joy
and relief that suffering and pain had ended for the one who had died.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
a natural part of life, that we begin our journey to inevitable death by
being born.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
learning that life is finite, that one should do and say today the things
that need to be done and said, for there may be no other chance to say, "I love
you", "You are important to me", "I'm sorry", or any of tens of thousands of
things that may be necessary for situations in our life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my faith.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
grieving for what I had lost- what I would miss.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to give them permission to let go and to "go home". To relieve them of their
responsibility to those of us remaining behind. Saying things like, "it's okay to
let go. We will be okay", especially to a parent or caretaker.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
came to realize that each of us comes here with something we need to do and
that when that is done, we can go "home" and rest. That when anyone dies before
their job or assignment is completed- whether that be by an accident, illness,
abortion, etc. , then the world has fallen another bit short of what it should
have been.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When people said that my uncle look like he was sleeping- he didn't. He
looked like he was dead- which he was.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is a stress release.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let them know how much I cared about and for them.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
while dying, she reached out her hand to someone I could not see and said"
I'm coming home now."
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
flowers.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize how alone I feel.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
but, then again, whoever said that life or death is fair. We each get one of
each- that's the only fair part.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was sad and a little frightened about how things would continue.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
distrust. Medical personnel, especially doctors, seem to forget that death
is inevitable, and they view a patient's death as a shock each time. But, we all
die sometime. The bottom line is that we all are going to die someday.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
NA
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
comfort and reassurance.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
uncomfortable.
--Regarding MONEY:
funeral directors are theives and cheats. Financial vultures and purveyors
of tickets on the guilt train- "this is the last thing you will ever be able to do
for them." Horse Pucky! Its too late already- you can never do anything more for
them because they are dead. Its too late, already.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that so many cared.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the "viewing".
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the fading away of the person- a lessening of their aura.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
From living on a farm, birth and death were just part of the never-ending
cycle. Things- plants, animals, people- were born, lived and died.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? -none-
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Jul 17 21:47:54 1997
Anonymous Guest
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 25yrs ago.
Cause of Death: effects of alcoholism; Aged: 58.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a passage. This world- life on this planet- is just a stop on the journey of life.
We are, in fact, just passing through. It is sort of a "layover" on the journey we must
all complete. It is neither the beginning nor the end of it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
watched adults cry- knowing that something fearful had happened. I felt curious and
yet uneasy that I couldn't fix it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My uncle was killed in a farm accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
grieving for myself and the others left behind. At the same time, I felt joy and
relief that suffering and pain had ended for the one who had died.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
a natural part of life, that we begin our journey to inevitable death by being born.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
learning that life is finite, that one should do and say today the things that need
to be done and said, for there may be no other chance to say, "I love you", "You are
important to me", "I'm sorry", or any of tens of thousands of things that may be
necessary for situations in our life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my faith.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
grieving for what I had lost- what I would miss.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to give them permission to let go and to "go home". To relieve them of their
responsibility to those of us remaining behind. Saying things like, "it's okay to let
go. We will be okay", especially to a parent or caretaker.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
came to realize that each of us comes here with something we need to do and that
when that is done, we can go "home" and rest. That when anyone dies before their job or
assignment is completed- whether that be by an accident, illness, abortion, etc. , then
the world has fallen another bit short of what it should have been.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When people said that my uncle look like he was sleeping- he didn't. He looked like
he was dead- which he was.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is a stress release.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let them know how much I cared about and for them.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
while dying, she reached out her hand to someone I could not see and said" I'm
coming home now."
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
flowers.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize how alone I feel.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
but, then again, whoever said that life or death is fair. We each get one of each-
that's the only fair part.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was sad and a little frightened about how things would continue.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
distrust. Medical personnel, especially doctors, seem to forget that death is
inevitable, and they view a patient's death as a shock each time. But, we all die
sometime. The bottom line is that we all are going to die someday.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
NA
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
comfort and reassurance.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
uncomfortable.
--Regarding MONEY:
funeral directors are theives and cheats. Financial vultures and purveyors of
tickets on the guilt train- "this is the last thing you will ever be able to do for
them." Horse Pucky! Its too late already- you can never do anything more for them bec
ause they are dead. Its too late, already.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that so many cared.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the "viewing".
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the fading away of the person- a lessening of their aura.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
From living on a farm, birth and death were just part of the never-ending cycle.
Things- plants, animals, people- were born, lived and died.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? -none-
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Thu Jul 17 18:26:31 1997
M56 in berkeley , CA =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: I study the breath
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 11 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 76.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
cessation of breathing, brain function, and cellular activity in the human body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandmother had a stroke because she mowed the lawn. She
wanted me to mow the lawn and I forgot.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the doctor calling me and leaving a message on my answering machine that my father
had committed suicide. I was with a friend and her family and went into deep grief and
crying.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to mourn the dead.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the end to my father's suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being with my friend the day he died.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
wondering if the note he left in his notepad "who cares" was about what he thought
aboout how I felt about him or just the state of mind he was in right before he pulled
the trigger.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Propject love and breathe evenly and slowly to project peace on to them.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
later realized that it was her anger that gave her the stroke. She was mad at me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Whee do you go when you die?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
n/a
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
learn more about my father from his own lips.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
hold my father's hand for five minutes two days before he died.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
got angry for Gary's not taking better care of himself.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
resentment for the lack of insight the medical community had about the pain my
father was experiencing.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right
--Regarding MONEY:
I was happy to receive his inheritance and sad that he ws gone.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
some asshole retired cop trying to sell a burial plot at my dad's funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Carrying Gary's coffin
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I wanted to grieve my father. I did it on purpose and put most of it behind me in
about five days of intense crying and processing.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
see previous
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Afraid and excited at the same time. I believe in an afterlife.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I went to my dad's grave several years after his death. a psychic had told me he
might still be on this plane. soI told him that everything would be okay and he could
go. I stood there crying and looking out to se if anyone was watching me and walked
away feeling lighter and at ease.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
the value of communion with departed loved ones came home to me at the cemetary of
my father. We can resolve issues regardless of whether the person is living or not.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Guilt
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
not difficult at all. rather easy and smooth.
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Thu Jul 17 18:13:49 1997
F27 in St. Petersburg, FL =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading:
Titles:
Authors:
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 11 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: renal failure; Aged: 38.
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--Death Is:
the end of being.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father was a diabetic and it was a long time coming.
Eventually his kidneys shut down.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the relief it brang. It is not right to live in suffering indignity for any human.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the realization that he would not see the best parts of my life.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
letting them feel that you. Touching them is important to both of you. They know
that you are with them and you are able to take more away with you.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to tell more of my feelings or just be able to say good bye in a better way
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my father won't be able to see things that have happened and will happen in my
life.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they were of some help
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
grieving actually began before the death. I didn't really know that death was that
close, but I had allready began to see death in different ways. It was, at times, a great
relief and other times a great guilt that I had felt the relief.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I held my grandfather's hand as he died from emphsema and lund cancer and all I
could see in his eyes was fright. He held my hand with a "death grip"
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
telling stories and recalling different events that made some kind of impact.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Guilt
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Wed Jul 16 22:42:32 1997
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 13 ago.
Cause of Death: a car accident; Aged: 17.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when all that is vibrant inside us ceases to be
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
went into this mode where I thought that everything that was happening around me
wasn't really happening; I though for sure that it must be some odd kind of dream or that
everyone was wrong about what happened, and in time they would realize their error.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My brother (seventeen years old) was killed in a car
accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the feeling that I had to take care of my family and do my best to deal with the
people crowding our house. Also, I remember not being able to get these thoughts out of
my mind: the thought that he might have known he was about to die, that he might have
felt a deep fear a moment before he died. Those thoughts drove me absolutely crazy and I
thought I was going to become hysterical every time one crept to the forefront of my
brain. I remember that very vividly.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it could happen at any time; that those around you could be gone in an instance
and you will be left with all of the guilt and regrets if you haven't shown them how much
you love and appreciate them
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the fact that I appreciate my loved ones much more than I think I would have if I
had not learned at such a young age that we are all anything but immortal. I feel like I
rarely take anyone in my life for granted now, and I try to be as open and upfr ont about
my feelings as possible so that I never again have the regrets that I suffered when my
brother died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the passage of time, I would have to say, and the years that it has taken me to
confront my feelings instead of hiding them as I did when I was fifteen.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the realization that life would go on, everyday, the same as it always had, and my
brother would simply not be a part of it.I remember turning on the T.V. about two weeks
after the death and being amazed that my soap opera had progressed two weeks wo rth of
plotlines; I thought for sure the entire world had stopped when my brother died. He was a
fan of the group Van Halen, and they released a new album the summer he died; that just
about killed me because it seemed so wrong that he wouldn't be there t o hear it. Now,
thirteen years later, the hardest thing for me is the way I miss what our relationship
would have become had he lived.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I am very lucky in that my family, immediate and extended, are wonderful people,
full of humor. I do remember laughing several times, both when my brother died and five
years later, when my grandfather died ( I remember my mother and I laughing hyste rically
at my grandfather's funeral over a joke one of us had made). There was never any guilty
or bad feelings connected with this laughing, just that sobby kind of relief that you are
doing something else with your face OTHER than crying.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
it sounds so cheesy and cliche, but what I really regret is that,because he died
when we were both at our worst teen ages, we were not the best of friends when he died.
The intelligent, adult part of me knows that he knew that I loved him simply beca use he
was my brother; but there are so many other things I hope and wish that he knew -- how
much I admired and looked up to him. How funny I thought he was.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I don't know if people consider this small or not, but one of the things I had never
thought about was the whole picking out clothes, picking out funeral arrangement things.
My parents had to make such difficult decisions at such a difficult time -- I remember
thinking that this was straight out of some horror movie, having to make all of these
decisions for your child.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
we talk about him, and what he might be like now, and when I think about what a
difficult adolescence he had.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I often thought (and think today) about how many teenagers out there drive like
maniacs, full of the assurance that they are immortal and nothing can harm them, and,
indeed, nothing does. My brother was one of those crazy teenagers, yet he was killed.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
My mother is quite religious, a devout catholic, but we actually had a horrible
experience involving the funeral arrangements, one that has really been next to
impossible for me to overcome and has pretty much made it difficult for me to return to
th e Catholic Church. My parents believed very strongly in cremation; they wanted my
brother's ashes sprinkled from the top of a mountain near where we lived. Usually you
would have a priest or minister do this; however, from the moment my mother informed ou r
priest that she would like to have my brother's remains cremated, he expressed nothing
but horror and revulsion at the thought and tried to talk her out of it. On the day the
ashes were to be scattered, he called my mother and told her that he just coul dn't bring
himself to do it, that the mere thought made him want to vomit. My parents were forced to
call a Presbyterian minister who my father had a passing acquaintance with, who was kind
enough to perform the service. I was stunned with the knowledge t hat my mother couldn't
turn to her church in this great time of need. I remember that being one of the most
horrifying experiences of the whole ordeal.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there was a huge crowd of people, and the majority were young people. I remember
feeling very comforted by the fact that all of these people turned out for my brother.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that otherwordly feeling of "this is not really happening, but play along until
everyone realizes their mistake."
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Since my brother's death was a sudden one that did not involve a long illness, I
can't answer that for his death. However, my grandfather, who died of lymphoma, did have
such an experience: in his last day or two, he had ceased being able to talk and seemed
not to recognize anything that was going on around him. My grandmother, who was sitting
at his side, looked up to find him looking right at her. He said her name, Berniece,
twice, and then smiled at her, a smile she said was so peaceful, blissful, and loving,
that she was stunned into silence and could do nothing but stare at him. The nurses came
in to turn him at that moment, and she reluctantly got up to give them room. From the
door, she saw his head fall back, and the nurses began calling for the doctor. A few
moments later, he was pronounced dead. She still speaks of this in awe, and it has gone a
long way towards making her feel better about his death.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Again, my grandmother had one such incident: she was pronouced dead from
complications arising from childbirth; she heard the doctor say, "She's gone, Joe, " and
then found herself floating above her body on the bed. Two seconds later she was awake.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
While some residue of guilt is still there, I think I've done a pretty good job of
realizing that no fifteen year old goes around telling their siblings how much they love
and treasure them...so I have found peace with the guilt that used to gnaw awa y at me on
that count. Of course, I still regret, and always will regret, that he died before I
learned to appreciate having an older brother. Also,I am the only one who is privy to a
lot of my childhood memories; I do have a younger brother, but he is t hree years younger
and wasn't in on a lot of the pranks and games my older brother and I perpetrated. I
still feel a very deep loss on that level, also, almost an "orphaned" feeling, almost as
if part of my memory was erased. There are things I can't reme mber about events in
childhood that only Jordan would know the answer in...I also think another unresolved
issue has to due with my fear of death, specifically, sudden death. I am afraid of so
many things -- planes, bridges, elevators -- that I attribute to the loss, at a young
age, of an important family member. I think a counselor or a psychologist might be able
to help me talk about those issues, and help me to maybe overcome them.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My mother tells an awful story about when she was young...she had a very good friend
who died when he was 22 or 23 from cancer. His funeral was open casket, and she felt so
horrible about this, because he had told her, before he died, that he didn't want people
looking at him after he was dead. However, his family was adamant, and it being 35 years
ago, that was just how things were done. She has never forgotten how difficult it was to
see things done against his wishes. My brother was too young to h ave made any decisions
like that, but I feel like my parents thought carefully about what he would've wanted,
had it ever been discussed. This is a difficult concept, I think, because although of
course the deceased has every right to have things carried out the way they wanted it,
the funeral or ceremony is mainly for the grieving, and I can understand that it would be
important for them to have a cermony that helps them deal with their grief.However,
ultimately, I think that the wishes of the dying shou ld always be carried out.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Well, as i was just saying in the previous question...yes, I have given a lot of
thought to my own death, more than I think people my age usually give. I think the
majority of the population thinks they are immortal until they are about thirty-five! And
I really lost that ability when I was fifteen and realized that, if my brother could die,
ANYONE could die. I see death around every corner, no kidding. The last time I was on a
plane, about three years ago, I wrote a four page goodbye note in case th e plane crashed
so everyone would be sure to know how I felt about them. This, I would expect, is not
healthy.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
For about six or seven years after his death, I would do something "wild" or out of
the ordinary on his birthday to commemorate his spirit...afraid I've gotten too old for
that now. I do look for and cut out poems that make me think of them and keep them near
me at work where I can look at them often. It is important for me to think of him at
least once a day.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I don't know if this fits in this question or not but...my mother and I have come up
against the same difficulty: when someone asks me how many siblings I have, or asks her
how many children she has, we can either say "One" (for me) or "two" (for her ) and avoid
the whole subject or answer including Jordan and then explain to near-strangers about his
death, which is often a very uncomfortable situation. This seems like such a small thing,
but we both feel so disloyal when we don't include him in an an swer... including him in
the count ahs become almost a ritual of saying "we won't forget you, nor will we let
anyone else."
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
I also look for books and articles on dealing with sibling loss; I think that has
helped a bit too.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Fear of Death
I was fifteen at the time of my brother's death, and I think I was too young to
handle such a traumatic event. My parents could barely get themselves through the
tragedy, much less guide me -- not to say they didn't do the best the could, but it was,
obviously, a very difficult time for them. And I still suffer a lot of guilt feelings
because I wasn't closer to him when we were teenagers, etc.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It is so rare that I get to express all of the thoughts and ideas I have expressed
on this page, either from fear of embarassing or putting a good friend in a tense
situation, or simply because you don't know anyone well enough to trust them with
intimate details...I think that you have put together a very sensitive set of questions
that word things gently yet probe the mind for thoughts that may be floating around in
the dark.
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Wed Jul 16 18:53:54 1997
F14 in Picton, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a heart attack; Aged: 65.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My Grampa was in a hospital to pick up Meals on Wheels to go
deliver them and he had a heart attack. When they found him, it was too late.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
how my younger sister had a hard time coping with the fact that Grampa was gone.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is going to happen sometime, so you have to live everyday to the fullest.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the music that I listened to and my families support.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that I had written an essay on WWII that he had helped me with two weeks before he
died, and when I got it back I had received an A+. He never read it because it was to
late.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
coped with everything. The feelings of loneliness, confusion and so on.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I heard the awful news.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know him better. I never saw him very much and I thought that when he died
it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to me because I didn't know him very well,
but I was wrong. It was very difficult to cope with the fact that he was gone a nd that
he was never coming back.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that God would take someone out of this world for no apparent reason. He was not
suffering and he was leading a good life. He had 5 children and 10 grandchildren. A
lovely wife, enough money to live on and yet God still took him away from us.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a time to pray to God and ask him for verification that Grampa was okay and that he
was with Jesus.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I felt very guilty when my Grampa died, because I had never told him(that I could
remember), that I loved him. Now, before I go to bed every night or every time someone
leaves the house to go to work in the morning, mostly when ever someone I love l eaves my
sight, I tell them that I love them because it makes me feel better knowing that if some
freak accident occurs and they pass on the the other side, I think that I would have a
feeling of happiness knowing that the last thing I said to that person were the words, "I
love you."
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I listened to two of Garth Brooks' songs: The Dance and If Tomorrow Never Comes
Wed Jul 16 11:48:20 1997
F20 in =Brunei Darussalam=
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
i'm a psychology major
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Prof/Studies: psychology student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 7 years ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 80.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something everyone has to go through.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know what to do. i just felt like i wanted to know if that someone was gonna
wake up any minute then.also, i wanted to know how it felt like. i wanted to die, just
like her...
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my best friend's mom got murdered by her grandfather when we
were both nine years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
my guilt. i believed that if i spent more time with him, then he probably would
still be alive now.
--What I think my (Brunei Darussalam) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to remember that even kids grieve. my culture has to learn to talk about it, rather
than hide from it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my grandfather was in a lot of pain. death, in a way, sort of take the pain away.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talk about it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
guilt.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
spend more time with that someone, making the last few days as full of fun as
possible.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
always wanted to kill myself because i kept having this thought that i was somehow
responsible for his death. i just hated myself. at first, i would hit myself with a hard
object, then i moved on to cutting myself with a razorblade. i loved the sight of blood
rushing out from the wound. it was very therapeutic for me. somehow, it just became a
habit. every time i was upset, i would grab the blade and cut myself in the same place.
until now, my parents still don't know about what happen to me before. they thought i was
just me being rebellious.
i still have the urge to cut myself but i am more in control
now.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
live through it.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i found out just how much i loved my grandfather.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the grief.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i am feeling depressed.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
kill myself and be done with it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried.
--Regarding MONEY:
my relatives were fighting for my grandfather's properties
when i think they should
be grieving at that time. it is sad
that they were more interested in money than love.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i actually enjoyed the atmosphere.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
it haas made me more introverted and more interested in death.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am looking forward to it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
write songs about death.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
everytime i am down, i write a song.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
i guess it would be better if there was a person to talk about it to
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
parents' unawareness
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it is nice to recall the feelings.
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Wed Jul 16 08:40:15 1997
F20 Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Undeclared studies
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 7yrs ago.
Cause of Death: drug overdose; Aged: 42.
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--Death Is:
loss, final, unavoidable,
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
called my grandparents who didn't know me yet.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father overdosed and I stumbled across his grave playing
kissing tag when I was 12 yrs. old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
confusion not caused by hysteria, but lack of attention or depth of severity by my
family.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Well, eternal life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Meeting my father's family, another part of me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
God.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not having anyone help me through some emotions I should have
had, but didn't because no one wanted to talk.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Let God be my father as pre-teen and grew up pretty happy
and healthy.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't know anything about my dad except his name.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I laugh sometimes now when people ask about my dad and I tell
them that he died when I was 12. I think it is because it
may come up innocently, but it is weird to have people know
such an intimate part of your life. They may express sympathy
that is too much... i don't know i just laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Call my dad against my mother's instructions and let him know
about forgiveness. Maybe then he would not have had guilt and
may have not done drugs.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
meet my grandparents.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandparents' jaws dropped when they saw me, because I look
exactly like my dad. I felt strangely complete when I saw a
picture of my dad and saw how much I look like him.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
how I learned about his death.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have dreams and feel like he is really there and he is a part of my life and knows
how awesome my life is. That I go to this College and I love life and how athletic I am.
I worry that he thought I would be a loser and in my dreams he is so proud of how great
everything is for me. ...when I dream.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my mom didn't let me call him it may have changed every- thing.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have met him, he would have loved me. I hear he was pretty
witty and I'm the same way.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
That didn't happen for a long time, so everything was sort
of out of synch.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything. Church helped me through, but it was sort of
confusing, I was Christian and my dad was Jewish.
--Regarding MONEY:
I had no knowledge of that.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I found his grave... I didn't go to the funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the lack of the process I guess.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I don't know how to talk about him with my grandparents and
I don't know what role to play as a part of his family. My
dad wasn't claimed on my birth certificate and I could have
a blood test done on both of my grandparents to have formal
documentation. I have mentioned this to my grandparents a
fow times byt they don't seem very interested. I would like
that to be done for my own peace of mind.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I wish my dad would have told them about me.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would go to heaven.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I dream. I go to sleep thinking about my dad and I have awe-
some dreams about my dad. I also pray a lot.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Upbringing
unanswered questions and unasked questions...mom kind of blew off discussion
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I've dealt with most of the questions on my own, but it
would have helped me a lot more as a twelve year old.
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Tue Jul 15 22:46:57 1997
F46 in Culver City, California =U.S.A.=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: psychology
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my maternal grandmother died when I
was 29 years old. She had lived with my family when I was 6
years old till I was around age 11. I learned of her death
over the telephone when I called the hospital to see how she
was doing a nurse told me over the phone that she had died. I
cried so much at her funeral because she had had such a sad
life. Most of her family was killed in the holocoust and she
had to work most of her life as a seamstress in sweatshops.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never felt this. It has been 8 years since my husband died and
still I don't often feel like laughing. For a few years I
didn't feel like feeling anything but I had to persevere
because I had two children.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
My father died One week before my husband did. My dad was on
hospice home care through Kaiser. Everything they did for my
dad and for our family was wonderful. We had a kind and
loving woman nurse who explained everything. I have only
praise for home hospice care.
--Regarding MONEY:
when my husband died our kids were 13 and 15 years old. social
security benefits helped us a lot. I went back to school
because I felt I needed to take advantage of the oppurtunity
to get a profession that would allow me to support myself. I
am close to finishing although I am at the end of my financial \
resources. My husband only had enough life insurance money
to give him a decent burial so yes money has definitly been
an issue.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
the day my husband died I was out shopping and I felt a presence
from behind and over my head. No, I had never experienced anything
like this and I didn't believe in angels. I went to my car and wept. It
was only later on after I had heard that he had died that I
realized that he had come to say good-bye. This experience has
given me a firm belief in an afterlife. I don't subscribe to
any religion but I do believe in a higher power.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I believe that death is a beautiful thing. When I felt my
husband's presence after he had died he was so peaceful. I
felt that his only regret was leaving me behind to mourn. I
dreamed for a long time that we were together dancing in green
fields. I think one day our spirits will dance together once more.
My only regret would be leaving behind my two children who are
now 21 and 23 years old. I have had to be both parents to them
and they still really need me. I feel that their father's
death stunted them in many ways, emotionally.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
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Tue Jul 15 15:07:38 1997
F19 in Maine =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: studying psychiatry
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, almost 2 years ago.
Cause of Death: AIDS; Aged: 18.
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--Death Is:
when we cease to breathe and all bodily functions cease
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried knowing that I would never see them alive again but I was happy for them
because they were in a lot of pain Physically and mentally
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My great aunt Carris died of cancer. She was the closest
person to me in my fathers family
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
Feeling incredibly empty because the closest person to me had left me but I had to
be somewhat strong for my friends and his family
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to deal with the feelings you experience after the loss of a loved yourself.
Many people can't express their feelings to others.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That Derrek didn't have to suffer anymore and that hopefully there is a place after
death for good people and that he is there now
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My friends. I had a tight group of friends and even before Derreks death we had
talked about it. After his death we were drawn closer and dealt with our grief together a
lot of the time
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that I lost the only person who knew me completely and that I could tell anything
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell them how much you love them and that you will never forget them. Many people
fear that they will be forgotten
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have learned so much about myself having to deal with derreks death. I really
discovered who I am as a person
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
They closed the lid of his coffin. It hit me then that I would never see his face
again in the flesh
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
you have to laaugh at times of such strong emotions. It's kind of a breakdown that
releases so much. It also helped me to remember all of the good times
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be with Derrek for just one more night because I would appreciate the time with him
now so much more
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
stay in touch with my closest friends and Derreks family. Also I have written a lot
of great stories and poems in dealing with my loss
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i sat down by myself for the first time and had the chance to really think things
over
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the fact that I didn't completely break down at the funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have just spent time with Derrek's family or with certain friends or sometimes
when someone hurts me i wish that he was still there for me
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
someone as young as derrek should have had the chance to experience more of life
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
crawl into bed,fall asleep and dream forever
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
broke down. I locked myself in my room for days on end watching old home movies,
listening to his bands tapes, going through pictures, and thinking
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
both awe and disappointment. Awe that there was so much that they could do to
improve his last days but at the same time they couldn't save him
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospices weren't the place where Derrek wanted to be. He much preffered to be at
home and surrounded by friends more. The people at the hospices were great to us though
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
for Derrek he put a lot of faith in the church to calm his fears and let him accept
the fact that he was dying. I cursed God for not saving him and for letting such a good
person die so young
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Sometimes I think that I feel Derreks presence watching out for me and I think that
is the othe spirituality that we can feel. that we are being looked out for.
--Regarding MONEY:
derrek's family had more than enough money to cover all of his expenses so money
wasn't a problem
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people showed up for the funeral. It was great to be surrounded by so many
people that cared for derrek.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
having to face people everyday asking me if I was OK and how I was doing. It was
strange to have that much attention when i wasn't the one who died
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It was a lot harder to see someone that you love die slowly than if it had been
sudden like a car accident. It gives you more time to accept the fact that he was going
to die but in the end the pain is the same
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
the night that Derrek died I was sleeping and had a dream about him, which many
other people closest to him had that night. when I awoke I felt his arms around me still
for a split second as if he was trying to comfort me
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
Since we both knew that Derrek was going to die there was enought time to resolve
all issues and say our goodbyes before he actually passed away
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
everyone should have a written will that is legal and have their wishes for their
gravestone, funeral, etc taken care of so that it will be the way that you wanted it to
be
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am a little obsessed with death, I have always been that way. I fear death only
because I don't know for certain what will happen to me. I have researched many kinds of
religions to try and find out for me the right thing to believe in to end my fe ar of
death. since many religions have some of the same ideas I believe mthat there is some
sort of an after life
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
many of my friends and I gathered to say our last goodbyes after the funeral. We
watched movies shared stories and then went out to our favorite club where Derrek's band
played and had a good time like he would of wanted. That night i also lit many c andles
in his memory
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still light candles for Derrek on many special dates or whenever I feel the need
to be close to him again. i also sleep with a stuffed rabbit that he had gotten for me a
t a fair on one of our first dates.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
I kept to myself and to my own thoughts which ate at me eventually
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
keeping my feelings inside
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionaire gave me the chance to write some things down that are inside which
can make you feel better. I have a hard time expressing my feelings to others by talking
so writing has been a good outlet for me
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Tue Jul 15 13:50:51 1997
F16 in New York City, baby! NY =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: f*ing heroin OD; Aged: 16.
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--Death Is:
a time where everything stops. both the joys and the pains of life end.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 5, a dear friend died
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... i was 5 and a friend of mine died of AIDS, however at that
time my parents said he had pnemonia on a plane and died there since he hated going to
the doctor and hid being sick... id cry myself to sleep till i was 7..
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
punching my fist through the wall, and not feeling anything.. no pain.. and my
friends could only watch... no one cuold cry...
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
its an ultimate peace, as long as it happens onm anything other then stupidity
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it ended the sufering of my grandfather and abuelito
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never hearing their voice again.. or looking into their eyes
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
somthing that made them feel better.. not alone
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am never gonna shoot up again... and wont le t anyone else iknow
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my recent friend that i loved her
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
don't know whati do.. depends on who it was and how it happened
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
whats's a hospice
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
pain..hate.. it hurt me and made death bad. i'm wiccan now
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i light a candle, buy a picture, and stare, and think, and then i burn a picture and
bury the ashes... it helps me to let go
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
it was a number of things, by now, i've accepted reincarnation as what happens, i've
fallen in love with E, and have experienced so much death that im numb
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Other:
i have this thing, where i become other people... and id die.. i used to have dreams
of my being them... and there was the inability to forget them
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Mon Jul 14 19:31:57 1997
F29 in Washington, DC =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: Graduate studies in International Development
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: Motherless Daughters
Authors:
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: ovarian cancer; Aged: 61.
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--Death Is:
the end of everything
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was completely unprepared to deal with it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my mother died four months ago and is the first time I have
had someone I love die
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the grief and pain that I felt and how noone seemed to know how to deal with it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to talk about it and grieve openly
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
so far its been a counseling group, the majority of my friends don't want to talk
aobut it or deal with it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
keep talking and tell the person you love them or you will always be sorry
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my friends started to feel uncomfortable around me because I was still sad
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
visit my mother and write to her more instead of thinking that she would get better
and I would have more time
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see something that reminds me of my mother
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
curl up into a little ball and sleep for the rest of my life or runaway to a
different part of the world
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the medical community is too technical and doesn't understand
the physical and spiritual needs of the family and dying person.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I didn't deal with a hospice, but my mother died in a hospital
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing, I'm still searching for it.
--Regarding MONEY:
it made my father worry and fret because he didn;t want to deal
withit.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I hate organs, you only hear them at funerals and they seemed
made to make you cry.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the smell of death is unmistakeable
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i feel peaceful about death. I'm not afraid anymore becaue
it seems as if my mother will be waiting for me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
Still dealing with it
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Friends' Insensitivities
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Mon Jul 14 10:53:32 1997
M in Natchitoches, Louisiana =USA=
Name: Joseph Parrie <nspar5595-at-alpha.nsula.edu>
Web: http://WWW.nsula.edu/~nspar5595/index.html
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: Graduate Student - English
More personal info:
American Indian
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Self-inflicted gunshot wound; Aged: 26.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A necessary stage in a universal cycle. It is the shedding of
the physical, social, psychological spheres of influence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was around 11 or 12. My favorite uncle was shot to death. I didn't attend
the funeral.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I almost drowned...had pretty much accepted
my fate & was too weak to struggle; was pulled up from pool an instant before I
started sucking water.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
The day of my friend's funeral. I drove to it alone. My son had
been born two days earlier. I arrived late and I sat in the back; there
was an open casket, but I didn't proceed to the front to look. I
didn't want the last memory of my friend to be that of staring down
at his well-dressed corpse.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not an excuse to shit all over the here and now simply
to attain some prize in the afterlife. Live for now; don't try
to store up "Golden Stars" or "Brownie Points" for some First Class
Spiritual Plane Ticket to Heaven. Also, this Earth and whatever you
have done to it still remains long after you're gone...so treat it as
if your "Plane Ticket" was a round-trip.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Nonsense. Death itself is a gift.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My belief that Death was necessary and not at all "bad."
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the simple fact that I didn't try hard enough to help my friend.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Remember to let them know that--to quote Bob Marley--"everything's
gonna' be alright." The circle continues and all will be well.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Was absolute in my acceptance of his absence. He chose his path
and I choose mine. I will miss him, but the decision was his.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I haven't yet cried for anyone who has died; I haven't felt
that it was necessary.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I felt nothing.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk to my friend one last time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be at the funeral.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I looked up into the sun during his elegy; I was reminded that
all of this too shall soon pass and fade into the sun and that, since
everything is connected, all will be one.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Whether or not my friend went to Heaven or Hell. Hahaha. My friend
would have laughed at that.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize that someday my son will die.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That people who haven't yet experience life should die so soon.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Heal the sick. Live forever. Cure death.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
simply accepted it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Indifference.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Naivete & Arrogant presumption.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Completely normal.
--Regarding MONEY:
We didn't have enough.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It should have been a celebration of that person's achievements
rather than a mourning for that person's loss.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
My acceptance of the situation and my disdain of organized
religion.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
???
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
There seemed to be no traditional process. I was a strange
experience.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't really believe in this and my reasons would be far too
complicated to go into.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Several family members of mine have visited other relatives.
My family history is rife with such visitations. Although
my relatives (and mother) seem to take it in stride, I believe
that such a visitation in my case would leave me a basket case.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Property seems to play an important part of the process. I
would simply give it all to my loved ones. No problem. I
have no real desire for material possessions anyway.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be sad to leave the people who needed me. I have no
problem with death...I DO have a problem with leaving the people
I love in such a final manner. I don't want them to be sad.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
None.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Nonel
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1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Religion/Clergy
The whole concept of Heaven & Hell (Judeo-Christian/Catholicism) was enough frighten
me when I was a kid...but then I grew up. I don't much believe in metaphor & fairy tales
anymore.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Useful questionnaire. Kinda long.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Nah. It was fine.
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Sun Jul 13 23:18:25 1997
F42 in Beaverton, Or =USA=
Name: Milly <mcockayne-at-geocities.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: Graphic Artist
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: The Hospice training manual, ( I am a volunteer hospice wroker) and the Bible.
Authors:
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Stroke; Aged: 59.
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--Death Is:
A passing from one existence to another.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young, (about 9 yrs. old) . I don't remember alot about it exept that my
Dad had to go to Grandma's house a long way away and Mom was sad and cried. She died the
day after Christmas. Mom said she wanted to wait for her sons to come home for
christms----but they didn't come.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My Grandmother died,I was about 9 yrs. old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
10 long days at the hospital. My sisters having to have her husbands ex-wife there,
and his rude daughters that only thought of themselves and there feeling not her and her
young girls. Also the Doctors and nurses not being honest with her about the stroke and
possibility of his recovery.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
the prosess of dying,and the quality of dying.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My brother-in law didn't suffer. He went into a coma and died All his fanilly had a
few days to see and talk to him before he had a second stroke and died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My belife in life after death (of some kind) And the things I had learned from my
Hospice work.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The pain my sister was in.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
make them as comfortable as possible. ask them if there is anything you can do or
say for them. that you love them and its O.K. to let go.
--[My relative's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I value life, and the prosses of dying more than ever. We all will be there
someday. It is important that you let your family know what you want to do and be done
in your behalf BEFORE the time comes so they don't have to guess. They will have so many
thing to think about anyway that the best gift you can give someone you love is to have
it all desided before something happens.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
We all thought that after Someone is taken off life support that they would pass
quickly. That time can and did last for days.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Just before Hank died his wife,mother,daughters, my other sister and myself were all
talking about how they had met at a party. Hank died as we all were laughting and not
crying.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
ask my brother-in-law if he wanted me to do anything for him. We were told that he
would be better with some P.T. and be O.K. Therfore we didn't talk or act as if time was
up untill it was too late.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for my sister, and ask the questions she didn't know about.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
As soon as he died he didn't look real anymore.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the last rights
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of how my sister is such a young widow (38). And how much they loved each
other.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
some people have strokes and recover well and others don't. My Mother had a bad
stroke a year ago and can't walk or use her left hand/arm, but she can talk and has most
of her memory. I know it's hard for my sisters girl to see that Grandma lived and there
Dad died.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back in time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
It was after I got Home from the hospital and got into bed with my own husband. I
could'nt stop shaking for two days.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Anger. I was so mad at what they were telling my sister. I knew they wern't
telling her the truth and trying to not sound negative. but they gave her false hope
that wasn't kind. She needed that time to prepare for his dying not hope for the best.
Don't get me wrong I am all for hope and faith but not lies.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Alot to my sister, her chirch helped her alot after and was there to see her through.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
We are all part of one
--Regarding MONEY:
it wasn't an issue
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how petty people can be,
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
making the choice to be a doner and all the paperwork and then told we can't use it.
Just say thanks and let it go. Don't put you throught all the questions to turn you
down.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I hate to say it but the smell. A dying person has a bad smell unlike amy other.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It is a humble and soul touching time for most.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
We had a good relationship and I did all I could to help his passing be comfortable,
so I feel good.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
A will is impotant.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Don't stop living because I have gone on, I won't. I have told my family that I
want to put on my head stone, THERE WILL BE ANOTHER SONG FOR ME,FOR I WILL SING IT.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I believe that a person never dies unless your forget about them. So let them live
on in your heart.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? What was it
I don't think I am hindered
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
fine
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Sun Jul 13 11:50:40 1997
M51 in CORONA, CA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 10 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 55.
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--Death Is:
No longer being alive
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Grandmother died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
what a waste, that no one could save her.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
remembering the deceased
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it takes away all the suffering for the person who died
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the people around me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss of communication
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
the touch of my hand
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
feel no fear of my own death
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she seemed to get better before dying
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is a way to release stress. It';s also the way the deceased would have
wanted it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to her one more time when she was coherent
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
give her some support during the process
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
no answer
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that I would be 'afraid' of the dead body
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember some of the good times that we cannot relive
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone so young should die
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring them back
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt frustrated
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
why do they try to prolong life, when the inevitability of death is there?
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no response
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I feel we just die.
--Regarding MONEY:
it was not important
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It is somewhat hypocritial
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
people saying 'how good' she looked...hell, whe was DEAD
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
no response
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
death is just that...another inevitable process that no one can escape
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
no such thing occurred
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no response
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
No unresolved issues, but it does change the way I interact with those who are living
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
ALWAYS make sure you have your wishes for services, etc., taken care of. the same
hold true for certain items, money, etc. that you wish to go to certain individuals
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I believe that when we die, we cease to exist. I do not believe in the spiritual
aspect of dying...I never have had anyone come back to me after dying...these
'visitiations' from other people I believe is wishful thinking that there is something
more.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
none
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
that it is important to be kind and let people know how you feel during their
lifetime...when they are dead, or are so drugged that they don't know who you are -
-that';s when it's too late
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
positive
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Sat Jul 12 17:58:14 1997
F20 in NYC, NY =USA=
Name: Huiyun Kim <hk002d-at-uhura.cc.rochester.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Psychology student at University of Rochester
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: med experimenter giving too much lidocaine; Aged: 19.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an inevitable force that must be conscious in our minds. It shouldn't scare us, but
forgetting about death should scare because it should make us value all that we have in
this world and rid our petty concerns.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know how to react to it. I ended up feeling self-pity, thinking that I
should be the one who should die instead of her, and how without her, there wasn't anyone
out there who would appreciate who I was.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... She was the friend who understood me
the most at the time;
someone who I felt the closest to. We
were best friends in high school and came to the
same
university together. She died in her sophomore year.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
how people become so self-important. Instead of recognizing the person who has died
and perhaps living their lives with more appreciation, they think about how others would
react if they had died, and if they are important to other people at all. T hey get
really scared of their own death that they are not able to recognize the actual death
that has occured and saluting that person's life.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it should not be forgotten, ever. It should make us determine who we are in this
world. How we are just creatures like anything other creature on this earth, and how we
are not very important--not in a self-pity way, but in a very liberating way.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
recognizing death had made me who I am at this moment. I appreciate the world and
what it has so much more than before.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
meeting someone who I was able to talk to on an intelligent level; talking to
someone whoI respected, and who I connected with.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
learning to let go of my now petty concerns and worries; learning to let go of my
self-importance.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was still a christian, and couldn't grasp the concept of heaven.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
visit her in the hospital the day before she died and 'talked' to her for the last
time.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
wondering about whether or not the person who has died thought much of us. We feel
self-pity and start to believe that the person probably didn't really care about us as
much as we thought he/she did.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
got trapped in feeling so unimportant and no longer needed in this world because she
was the only friend who understood me and appreciated me.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a lot in the first of after her death, but afterwards, I realized that one of the
main reasons religion even exists is because of people's fear of death. It's a way for
people to cope with their recognition of it and getting rid of that fear with th e
'understanding;' of heaven.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I know that she and I both appreciated the kind of people that we were, despite of
occasional doubts about the other one's feelings.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think everyone should realize that they can all 'die very soon.' They shouldn't
need some doctor telling them that they can only live for a short while to start
realizing the truths about life and death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I met a really great person who helped me to think rationally about death.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It challenged me to use words to describe how I feel about death, which was a good
practice.
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Thu Jul 10 23:52:18 1997
F25 in Glassboro, NJ =USA=
Name: Christine <summit-at-jersey.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: art restorer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1yr 4mos ago.
Cause of Death: supposed cancer re-occurance; Aged: 43.
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--Death Is:
death can be a desperate sadnes or a welcomed relief
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
fetlt strangely calm about it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... it was my grandfather, he had been ill for tens years before
his death, he eventually went into a coma and was disconnected from life support
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the disbelief, meaning.....how can she really be dead? Also, i felt as though the
world should stop, i recall thinking, how can people just continue on with their daily
lives when my life has been changed forever..sounds weird, huh? lol
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i got to tell my mom i loved her the morning before she died, even though i loved
her very much, it was hard for me to say those words to her
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
strange as it might sound...books concerning death...one book that comes to mind
is..."How We Die"
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that i would never again hear mom's voice on the phone, argue with her, see
her smile, watch her as she tried to spoil my son rotten.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
do more things with my mom, and have been able to tell her that i loved her more
often
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
crawl under a big rock and just hide from the world
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
i have no trust whatsoever in the medical community
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing to me, i was too angry with God
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my mother touched people's lives in ways i never knew of
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
having a great need to be there, after everyone else left, to watch her casket be
lowered into the ground
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
i just realize that i was the best daughter that i was capable of being at the time
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i played a David Bowie CD...she loved his music
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Other:
the worst experience with death was losing my mother last year, she was 43, i was
mad at the world, the unfairness of it all
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it stirred up feelings of sadness
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Thu Jul 10 21:36:44 1997
F16 in , wisconsin =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: student, ag labor, cashier
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 19.
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--Death Is:
moving to a place other than earth
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
took it hard and im still dealing with it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my 8 year old cousin was killed by a truck while riding a
snowmobile
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
how many freinds people have but dont realize
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to deal with it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how friends and family came together-even for a short time
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
time
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my own pain and from those who were affected worse than I
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to keep spirits up and tell them what you never told them, but will regret not
saying after they die
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
a young person was taken
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
become closer and told the person how much they ment
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know the person
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
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Wed Jul 9 21:20:46 1997
F42 in chandler, AZ =USA=
Name: Linda Wilkes <EMWilkes-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
aqui browser pages
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Prof/Studies: Cemetery sales counselor
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: Empty Arms
Authors: Iles
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: pre-mature birth; Aged: newborn.
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--Death Is:
the cessation of all bodily functioning..the end of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused and sad...it didn't seem real.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a girl who sat in front of me in german class was killed in a
motorcycle accident. She was only 16yrs old and her parents only child (my boyfriend also
worked in her parents restaruant) The whole thing was very sad, but it didn' t seem
real....for a time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
emptiness and overwhelming sadness, a physical heaviness in my chest.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is good to grieve, and talk about your feelings, and not everyone gets on
with their life in the same way or the same time frame.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the support that I recieved from the most unlikely sources
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
writing a journal of my feelings and dealing with my feelings in that way...long
after my family and friends thought I should "be over it all ready".
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Because my baby died shortly after birth, most friends and family never got to see
her,or hold her...I felt very alone in my grief. I felt that only my husband could relate
because he was the other parent, but he admitted that it just didn't affect h im in the
same way. I felt isolated.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
N/A
--[My acquaintance's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
read and learned as much as I could, joined support groups with people I knew could
relate to me, took a college class called "Death and Dying", the only way to get trhu
grief, is by facing it head on....not trying to deny it exists.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The memorial service was over and life was getting back to normal, I didn't think I
would ever be able to go on living a "normal" life, everything seemed so out of balance,
darker somehow...it took time to be able to get going again, but I never got "over" it,
does anyone?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
this didn't happen to me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Plan the service better, spend more time with the baby's body, taken more pictures.
I didn't want to "bother" anyone, and I wish that I had.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Call on the ladies at my church to help out at home, they were so kind.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I was able to say goodbye....it was a big moment,and wasn't easy.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
re-telling the details, like now....I feel deeply sad, and it has been 10 years.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I was on bedrest for 5 months and had to have surgery to get pregnant, and then to
loose her after all of that, It just didn't seem fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have her with me still
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt angry at myself, I felt that in someway I could have prevented it....I even had
horrible nightmares for months afterward. Logically I knew I was not to blame, but logic
has nothing to do with raw emotion.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
compassion and caring, they were very kind. They called the chaplin in and offered
support groups to me. I wish they had encouraged me to get pictures...now I don't have
them and would give anything if I did.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding MONEY:
we were totally unprepared, we were planning a nursery and now we had to plan a
funeral. It was a totally unexpected expense
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a to me
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
n/a to me
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have my affairs in order...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote a letter to my daughter telling her how much I loved her and telling her
goodbye. That was the real letting go for me. It was 4 years after her death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Silence & Taboos
No one wanted to talk about it, like she never even lived..it was strange.
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Wed Jul 9 21:11:32 1997
F48 in Winona, Texas =USA=
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Found us by: [ How did you hear ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, yrs7 ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 43.
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--Death Is:
letting our soul out of our body to be with our SAvior, Jesus Christ.
We will not have any more pain, suffering, evry thing will be peace ful
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad because I did not understand what it meant to be with Jesus
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... Grandmother choked to death on a picec of baked apple
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the lonelyonse. I felt like every one had ran off and left me.Feeling completely lost.
--What I think my (Smith) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it should be a peaceful expericence
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My husband showed his true Christian, th e last time he saw my youngest brother, he
told him to be saved. Even those he was in pain, he still was worried about someone else.
That is a trye Christian
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Hospice told us exactly what to expect, Family and friend stood beside us all the
way
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I could not make him well, so he would not die, and the pain he was in. Could not
keep pain level down. I did every thing the drs. said and he still died.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Give the dieing permission to die. My husband kept fighting to live and at the very
last, I told him it was ok to go to be with the LOrd, and his father and Granny. That
Josh and I would be Ok. He raised his head up off the pillow and mouthed I LOve
You and was gone, I started to call him back, but did not want him to hurt no more, He was at peace
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I reached the point that I could not handle it any more, I prayed and it was like I
stood in the corner and my body did what it needed to do for Richard..I could really see
my body doing what I needed to, but I was ok. God handled the last month for me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When the Hospice nurse said Richard had decided to die, that he ws tired of fight
the cancer any more
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Did not feel this
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I had planned on bring his body home till he was buried. On Thursday before he died
on Saturday, it snowed and froze everything I was afaird for the funeral home people to
bring him back home, I was afaird they would drop his casket because of the snow and hurt
ice and snow and hurt his leg. The tumor in his leg is where he had so much of the pain
Dumb now HUH
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
sit by his bed side the last three days that he was in a coma, it was such a
blessing for him to die at home, all my family and his family was there.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
don't know
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
we did it our way like we wanted it, he was at home and family there with us
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think about what we had planned for our life to be like together, spoil the
grandkids, Richard was going to teach the grandkids to fish, we was going to rock on the
front porch , grow old together, not now
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Richard was a great Christian man, never hurt any one, never talked bad about
anyone,he was to good to die
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring him back or go meet him just beyond the moon where he is waiting for me. Song
by Tex Ritter
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was totaly lost, I knew I had to be string for rest of the family, but after funeral
and every one went home, I did know what to do. My whole life had turned upset
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
DISGUST. They could not figure out what was wrong till it was to late
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Great, I could not have done it without them. They gave me what I needed to be able
to take care of my husband at home . That meant so much to me, I had him a little longer
I felt like since he was not in a hospital. PLus our friends and family could be there. I
can not say enough good about Hospice. Go Bless them
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Not church, our Christian friends and f amily meant every thing to me
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
don't know
--Regarding MONEY:
It really amazed me. I had to quit work to take care of Richard and God provide
exactly what we needed for three months, not to much, just the right amount. It still
amazes me
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was cold, pouring down rain, almost 5 when we got to cemetery, so it was almost
dark and so many people went to the cemetery. The funeral directer told me Richard had to
be a very loved man for so many people to go to the cemtery when the weatjer was so bad.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when he died and it was over,
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Coma, look in the eyes,{ their eyes look empty, like their soul is already gone,
death rattle, get better just before they turn for the worst.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I felt lost, alone, mad at the world, mad at God, Mad at married friends because
they still had their husbands and their future together
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Father-in-law opened his eyes looked up, raised his hands out to someone, laid his
hands down and was gone. My husband was moving his eye that he could move real fast. I
told him it was ok for him to go to be with the Lord, that Papa and Granny would help him
over to the other side, I talked for about 15 minutes my sistwer said. He raised his head
off his pillo w and mouthed the words I Love you and gave his spirt up
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
hasn't happened
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
Every thing is ok
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
That the dieing persons wishes should be honored as close as possible. If they don't
want life support, don't do it
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I just hope I will be remebered for a loving Christian lady that loved her LOrd, her
husband, her kids and grandkids, family and flowers
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I write letters to Richard. At first I was mad at him, now I tell him what the kids
and grandkids are doing Go to cemetery and tlk to him
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
Friends being there for you
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things?
had no choice, had to deal with death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
If it will help some one else deal with the lose of a loved one, it was worth it. We
need to keep them as free from pain as possible
I hope it will make it a little easier for some one else to lose a loved one
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Wed Jul 9 14:00:46 1997
M28 in Exeter, Devon =England=
Name: Douglas Thomson ("Doug") <dthomson-at-eclipse.co.uk>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Counselling diploma/Data analyst
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: How can I help
Authors: Ram Dass & Paul Gorman
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 2 days ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 18 (cat).
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--Death Is:
like a sleep from which the other never awakens; what happens after death I don't
know. It's something that many are afraid of, yet it's something that comes to all
humans.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was stunned; I sobbed deeply and found ordinary life difficult to deal with for a
couple of days...yet I also found that letting go of grief to be extremely cathartic.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... a good friend of mine took his own life
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the feeling of love I had as I was bidding Bianca (my cat) farewell, the depth of
sadness and grief I was reaching .....and also my many tears
--What I think my (England) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to treat it as if it were a part of life. I feel this culture needs to stop denying
death and to embrace it, to be grateful for simply being alive. That way, we could
experience the wonder of life, without taking it for granted.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
helping me to be more in touch with my own, personal sadness that I've carried for
sooooo long...
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being in nature, and experiencing that *now*. I was also profoundly touched by
Bianca, for I was stroking her whilst she was dying, with her fur matted, only skin and
bone, but she was very happy that I was there beside her, stroking her fur; for she
wasn't, in that moment, worried about dying in the future (even though her death was only
a few hours away)....she was purring loudly, enjoying being stroked by me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The non-accepting and rigid attitudes of my parents. My dad is a real "cold fish"
emotionally and my mum reckons that grief and sadness etc. aren't OK, and so I asked them
to leave the room so that I could be with Bianca alone.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be genuine
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was driving to see Bianca for the last time
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
after I'd returned home, I was in the shower, and laughed then, for Bianca's death
reminded me of the fleeting nature of my own life and to live *now*....in that I find a
great joy
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
take a photograph of her at that time
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
grieve
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I took some of Bianca's fur as a keepsake...something to remember her by
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
my parents both imagines that she was suffering terribly, but from the purring she
was making, she wasn't
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I really face the apparent meaninglessness of life
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
yeah! "Why not just a few more days?" I had just returned from Singapore (that
day) and was *very* jetlagged, and wished that she could die a couple of days later, when
I had had some sleep.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
face my own fear of dying
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sobbed deeply and felt a great pang of loss as well as great love. After I'd left,
I felt angry with my dad for trying to sitract me by asking trivial questions.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
that the vet was doing his best to be compassionate
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like Zen....being right here and now, accepting death as being absolutely natural,
and allowing the awareness of death free me valuing my self-image...for that will die -
but my experiencing of life is just as it is...all of it.
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
n/a
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How so many emotionally draining events (including this death) came together at the
same time.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
the process was painful, but it feels like it has all the transformative power of an
alchemist's crucible!
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I had none
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I feel glad that there was nothing unresolved between us
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
in some guided meditations on death and dying, I've experienced that, when I'm the
one who's readying for "death", I'm not that scared...I feel released, but many of those
around assume that the one dying is the one who's suffering. I feel sorrow for my own
loss and also for the loss of the relatives of the one dying, but feel that the one dying
is probably more at ease than their relatives.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I've given my own death a great deal of reflection and feel both an incredible fear
of it...that when I die, I will cease to be, yet I also feel a great joy, and can feel a
sense of a cosmic dance in it. If I'm trying to choose how to live my life now, I find
it valuable to ask myself how I wouls have wished to have acted were I on my deathbed
looking back at today.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
seeing her one last time at my parents' home, and taking a snippet of her fur to put
into a locket
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I'm still quite well into the process, and haven't really had a chance to integrate
any changes into my daily life
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
By allowing myself to break down for a while and really experience my grief, I
believe I was able to come through it well
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Family's Insensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I found it very useful in clarifying my feelings, and would like to see a more open
discussion of death and how it affects people. This is one of the best questionnaires
I've seen on the web, and is probably the most psychologically astute, too!
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I found the text boxes very constraining, as I had to press a hard return to be able
to see all of my message at one time...and keep an eye out for this whilst I'm writing
-would there be any possibility of widening the boxes and having an autowrap on them?
[ Ed Note: Actually, a lot of us would like that as well... Unfortunately, however,
we haven't yet figured out a way we can do that and still keep it workable for ALL
browsers. Believe me, we'd love to have such a fix if anyone can come up with an
idea. Feel free to Write Us and let us know if you know
of any such idea!! We currently still process every questionnaire by hand every time! ]
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Wed Jul 9 09:30:50 1997
F23 in Chicago, IL =USA=
Name: Alessa Lambert
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 40.
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--Death Is:
moving on from this world to the next.
--That first time, how it happened was
I had my first experience with death when I was about six years old. That's
when my uncle died of lung cancer. It didn't really shock me, though I can
remember clearly understanding that he was GONE, never to return again. I always
was the mature type...
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that we can't be sure whether dying really means that we will never see our
loved ones again -- it may well be a mere trip from this world into another.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that in death even the most restless soul finds peace.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that I had always felt my mother was the only person in the whole
wide world who could even begin to understand me.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
If you really love someone, remember to tell it to him/her DAILY, because
tomorrow, he just might not be there anymore...
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
just after I had received information of my mother's death. I was out
shopping with my father and they called from the hospital to his mobile phone.
When he told me she was dead, I just stood there. I didn't cry that day, but I
was weeping inside.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say her goodbye. She was feeling so fine only a day before! I remember
talking to her on the phone, and how she told me that she was feeling better
than she had in weeks and that she'd probably come home soon.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that some people's parents never die before they know they should expect
it.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
tell my mother that no matter how dark the paths ahead of me get, I know
what I'm doing and she shouldn't worry.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was overwhelmed with bitterness. I thought: "she has no right to do this to
me. She promised she would always take care of me, and now she's suddenly left
me all alone..."
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
the terrible lack of compassion.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. My mother had always believed that her God would save her and that
He would make her well again. He never did. With her death, I completely lost my
faith in God.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that no one seemed to realise that I hadn't been expecting it. "She's not
in pain anymore" they said. "I don't give a shit!" I felt like screaming, "I
want her back to life!"
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It's better to burn brightly than to fade away.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote letters to my mother for many years after her death. I wrote them
on pretty paper and sealed them carefully. On the envelope I wrote nothing. When
the letter was finished I burnt it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
The thing that best helped me through the death of my mother (when I was
fourteen), was, I am not afraid to admit, rage. Rage for the one person in my
life who had promised always to be there for me, and then suddenly left me all
on my own in a big, bad world.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Somewhat relieving. A bit painful.
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M36 in Sacremento, ca =usa=
Name: Ed <eddiemail-at-juno.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: skupien
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 78?.
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--Death Is:
when our body stops functioning.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
diden't understand
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my greatgrandfather
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
that he "had to die of something" because he wanted an excuse for smoking.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is final.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the way it forces me to look at the good aspects of my life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
crying
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
loss of my past
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
not there
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am like him. except i dont smoke.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
not confused
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
no laughter
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk with my grandmother
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i knew he would no longer be there
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
a formal funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
its over I don't have those feelings
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
no
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
not difficult
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and remembered his life
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
positive
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
strange
--Regarding MONEY:
not at all
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
did not attend
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
knowing it dident have to be
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was easy
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
no issues
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
compassion
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i accept it and have accomplished all of my goals
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
said goodbye to him in a dream
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
it happens to everyone
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
ok
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Tue Jul 8 13:49:41 1997
F38 in Dallas, Texas =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: Computer Consultant
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 18 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 60.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the cessation of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
reflected on the meaning of life and how fragile and special it is.
--That first time, how it happened was
A fellow high school student was killed in a farm-related accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
her last coherent moments -- things she said and did. She kept talking
about seeing angels and at times talked to them. She seemed at peace during
that time. I also remember having to notify people of her passing. Since her
cancer had just gone i nto remission her prognosis had seemed so positive, so
her death took us all by surprise.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is a fact of life. People need to freely discuss it, openly mourn,
and not be afraid to talk with and comfort someone in mourning.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I made a friend for life. A lady from Canada was working with me on
location in my hometown. She took a great deal of time sharing her experiences
with death, encouraging me to talk, and listening to me. She also spent time
keeping me entertained -- plays, movies, dinners, shopping -- and got me back
into the real world. We stay in regular communication, and I count her among my
very best friends.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my fiance. He kept me balanced. He gently helped me go through the
motions of planning the funeral (I had never even been to one before) and easing
back into everyday life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the sense of loss. I still think about my mother daily and wish she were
here to share in special events as well as everyday things. Sometimes I dream
of her and we converse about the activities in my life -- she even gives me
advice!
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to respect his/her wishes. When I came home from work I found my mother in
bed in a dream-like state. When I started talking to her, she held my hand and
thought I was her mother (who passed away when my mother was 18). I listened to
her for a few minutes and gently eased her back into reality. My mother did not
want me to call an ambulance, or anyone, for help. She was terribly embarrassed
about her condition -- uncontrollable diarrhea. I finally convinced her to call
the doctor who, in turn, recommended I take her to emergency. Since I could not
lift her, I called my fiance and he came to my house to help. Ultimately, we
called paramedics and she died at the hospital. Though her decision to delay
the ambulance was stubborn and selfish, it was her decision.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the doctor announced she had died. They ushered me and my fiance to a
private room at the hospital. A nurse came in and out periodically and asked
questions -- did I want an autopsy, did I want her embalmed, what funeral home
would I use. I had to wait for the coroner (I guess) to officially pronounce
her dead and then took a phone call from her oncologist who asked ME what had
happened!! I thought, "you're the doctor, you tell me!", but I just recounted
our trip to the emergency room. He seemed very cold and impersonal -- "well,
these things happen". We waited at least 2-1/2 hours before the nurse and
doctor said we could go home. I never received any of my mother's belongings
back.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
this didn't happen to me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hug her and tell her I loved her just before she died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
write "thank you" notes to all the folks who attended the funeral, sent
flowers or cards, and leant an ear. It actually was therapeutic in that I felt
like I truly had friends and was able to express heartfelt sentiments which
cleansed my emotions s omewhat.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I had to select Mom's gravesite. I remember wandering around in the
cemetary with this stranger (a plot salesman) trying to find the right spot. He
couldn't even point out with certainty where the available plots were ("it's
somewhere in this area. .."). I finally selected a spot next to a 16 year old
girl (I thought Mom would like that) and near where the infant son of a family
friend. There is a tree nearby with lovely windchimes.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am doing something we used to do together, like shopping or eating out.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
...she had just gone into remission. She's too young. The doctors said
her form of cancer had a 95% survival rate. She's the only family I had.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
take some time off, away from the everyday grind, to sort through her
personal box of memories and my own. And, to decide how I want to move forward,
what if any changes I can or should make in my life.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
tried to focus on happy times we had shared. I gathered old smiling photos
and liberally distributed them around the house. I wanted her to be near and to
be a part of what I was doing.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
sadness. The hospital nearly denied us treatment because of limitations in
her insurance. The doctors were specialists in their respective fields but
didn't seem to communicate or "look at the total picture" of her health and
well-being. I truly b elieve the chemo killed her -- she had become weak from a
month-long viral infection, and we suggested delaying her chemo a week to enable
her to regain some strength, but the doctor said she'd be okay. She came home
from the chemo, baked a cake, and died two days later.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
not applicable.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
conforming to the beliefs of many. During one of her hospitalizations for
chemtherapy, Mom met a volunteer from a local Lutheran church. They had many
things in common and since Mom had attended Lutheran churches in the past, he
referred her to his minister. Because Mom wasn't strong enough to attend the
church services, the minister sent her cassettes of his weekly sermons, and the
church newsletter requested prayers for my mother's recovery. This is the
minister whom we had conduct the gravesit e service for mom's funeral.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a connection or bond with life -- past, present, and future.
--Regarding MONEY:
Mom left no estate. Her meager life insurance policy covered roughly 2/3
of the burial cost. The most significant debt was over $100,000 in hospital
bills which were left unpaid. It took a year for me to be able to purchase her
memorial headstone.
Until then, I was haunted by that nagging unfinished business.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the attendees were mostly my friends and co-workers, as opposed to Mom's.
They were there to support me. Also, my best friend from high school, with whom
I had lost touch many years ago, read about the service in the newspaper and
attended the funeral. It was a bittersweet reunion.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
planning the funeral. The whole process was so businesslike and salesy. I
remember viewing caskets. There was a plain pine box, primarily for cremation,
for $800. The next lowest in cost was $1200 for a black casket with a plain
cream satin linin g. The next lowest cost was $3800, and the primary difference
was the color. Naturally, I would have preferred a casket of varnished wood or
painted a pastel color, but I settled for the black because of the cost. It
really irked me that they would charge so much for a non-black casket.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
My mother lost quite a bit of weight and her once smooth face and arms
became wrinkled. I remember noticing how much she had aged in a few short
months during her battle with cancer. I don't know if that was symptomatic of
her dying or just of the brutal cancer treatments.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I experienced shock and disbelief for several weeks. During that time, I
had dreams that Mom was still alive and it was my job to convince everyone that
she wasn't dead. I then experienced extreme sadness and sorrow at HER loss, not
being alive and able to enjoy life. Then, I became sad about my loss, not
having her to share in my life. Then, acceptance -- coming to terms with her
death and how it impacts my life. Finally, looking forward and planning my life
-- living more than just a day at a time. And, then able to reflect on the good
and the bad times we shared and laugh and cry appropriately.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my mother "saw" her mother in me. At first I thought she was hallucinating
from the medication and her weakness. She also "saw" and talked to angels who
seemed to be helping her through the process. It was my first realization she
might be dying. She didn't appear to be afraid of any of this. It was as if
they were coaching or coaxing her. She would respond with "okay" and "I'm
coming" and similar phrases.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
not applicable.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I sought help from a psychiatrist to cope with unresolved issues between my
mother and me. The psychiatrist helped me understand my mother's perspective
and enabled me to begin to accept myself, faults and virtues alike. I am so
thankful I sought t his professional counsel!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want my loved ones to know how I feel about life support, resuscitation
efforts, and treatment philosophies. I also strongly encourage preplanning, or
at least discussing, funeral arrangements. My mother said she never wanted an
autopsy because one had been done on her mother and she couldn't bear the look
afterward. So, I requested no autopsy for my mother. My mother also had a
"thing" about embalming, she just didn't like the thought of it, so I requested
she not be embalmed, but refrigerated instead. In hindsight, I might have had
her embalmed because I was not able to view her. I think too much time had
lapsed between her death and her refrigeration, for whatever reason, and she
began to decompose. The funeral director suggested I not view her. I had my
fiance view her instead, to make sure she was "in tact" as she would have
wanted.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I do not fear death as I once did, though I do not look forward to it since
there's so much I still want to do here. I believe in death we simply
transition into a different type of ... energy ... that continues on somehow,
someway we can't understa nd. I worry about the process of dying -- pain,
burdening others, loss of freedom, physical restrictions -- and hope that I "go"
as peacefully as my mother seemed to. I hope I can leave some kind of legacy to
enable others to lead their lives a little b etter through having known me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote -- a diary of my feelings and activities, poetry, an essay about
Mom's cancer. I also completely occupied myself with mindless computer games to
avoid reality from time to time.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I continue to write, more about mundane things and less about my emotions.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Completing this questionnaire was therapeutic, in a way. Questions were
asked that I had considered but that I hadn't had the opportunity to address
either verbally or in writing. Thank you.
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Mon Jul 7 20:55:27 1997
F15 in Gig Harbor, Washington =U.S.A.=
Name: Meryl
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: student
More personal info:
I've experienced about 20 deaths
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Colleague, half a yr ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 65.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when someone goes away forever, or leaves
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried a lot
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... It was my uncle, he died of diabetes when I was
under 5 but I still remember it. he was my favorite uncle
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
I got depressed because of all of the other deaths that had occured
--What I think my (U.S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
they can die, and that they're not immortal. some people haven't
experienced death enough
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Of all the deaths I've been through, something good has always come from
each one. when a very wild boy from my grade died of drinking and driving, all
the other kids realized what could happpen to them if they kept on acting like
they did and people calmed down and stopped doing as much drugs as they had
before
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
god
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
there was to many people who died all in too short of time,
and it was too much
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned and grew from each death that took place
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't think it should have happened to me, I was angry and confused
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I could have attended my uncles funeral(a different one)
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
snap out of my depression
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
it gets around the time of year when someone important has died I get
really unhappy
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that all these people had to die on me
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see them once more
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
they always sing amazing grace. it gets annoying
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
my aunt had a near death experience. she says everyone goes to heaven and
everyone is forgiven and everyone you've ever been close to is in heaven waiting
for you
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I always worry I'm going to get some disease
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I went to my uncles grave and read him a letter I had written to him
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have come more mature and more understanding of life
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
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Sun Jul 6 12:53:22 1997
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
browsing
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: goodnight gracie
Authors:
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 6yrs ago.
Cause of Death: ; Aged: 42.
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--Death Is:
a end to all the activities of our life. a parting from loved ones
an end of the road
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
found it all strange to see people all wailing over, although I knew it
from books and films but it was just so kind of difficult to accept it in
reality.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was..My Aunt i.e. my father's sister in lawhad blood
cancer. She had children of my age. It was hard to belive. It all seemed so
strange..
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
that it could have happen to me also. as if I was going thru it. Recently
my friend's dad expired
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
and not to drag over the procedures of cremating someone.just to
get it over with it soon.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Atleast it made me realise how important life is and ou loved ones and to
take it seriously and to cherish every moment of it
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
learning it myself and coming to accept it that it is a certainity
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
he is no longer going to be with us or sit among us
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
enough and not showing your emotions but to keep calm and be self-controlled
--[My Neighbor's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
came to accept it. to enjoy life as much as you can because you don't what
happens after death, infact no one knows. our beliefs just remain here only.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why does it have to happen to her only?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
why did i do that?
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
know that person much better and he to me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
stay with my grandmother and remember her smiling face.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
so many people being a part of it
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
remincising it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why did she have to go and why not me?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
erase the word death.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
knew it could happen to anyone and so that is why my loved one was involved
in it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
that nothing could be done at the moment and precautions should be taken
right from the start
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
she seemed normal and I used to wonder why is she in the hospital and not
staying with us.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
when the right time comes everyone has to leave this world
--Regarding MONEY:
money was no problem
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1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Distractions
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Sun Jul 6 08:47:16 1997
M50 in Murfessboro, Tenn. =USA=
Name: Richard Napper <richtn-at-bellsouth.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looking for info. on death and dying
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Prof/Studies: R.N.
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: Death and Dying
Authors: Eliazbeth K. Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: auto accident; Aged: 48.
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--Death Is:
Death is the passage from one life to another, to go on, to keep living in
a different place, in the hearts of those who love you.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was heart-broken, and felt that I was alone
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... the death of my great-grand mother. I loved her
very much and still think of her today. She died in 1957 of a stroke.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the togetherness of the family, talking about my brother- in-law and
bringing oursleves to accept his death and the death of our father died of
cancer one the 28th and my brother-in-law was killed in a auto accident the next
day
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To talk about the person who has died as if they were a real person, with
good and bad sides instead of making a saint of them. They were real people
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I learned that we are all going to die, rich and poor and we are all
equal in that respect. We should make the best of what time we have here and
enjoy each other instead of tormenting ourselves.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family, wife and kids.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Of knowing that they will never be there for me to call or see or talk too,
but I will always have them in my heart and there they will never leave.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To care for the person, any little thing will do, even just wipeing their
brow. To talk to them and let them know that you love them and that they will
always be with you and you with them.
--[My relative's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Have accepted their death and keep their memory
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was thinking of the past, the times we did funny things together, or
something happen that was funny, we talk about them.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
To tell them that I loved them
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there for my family. When our father died, all of us were there and we
changed his clothes, waited for the hearse to come, and when he left we changed
the bed where he had died. This was the beginning of acceptance of his death
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
All of us helped with preparing the body of our father, and with the body
of our brother-in-law. It helped us to accept
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
When certain things happen that they liked to do and on hoildays that they
enjoyed. I miss them esp. on Christmas
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That they had to die in such a painful way, it should have been quite and
peaceful..
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Was diffcult at first, but no so bad now. I wish I could roll the clock
back and a few changes
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Saw them in the funeral home,and touched them, I felt a great sense of loss
and weakness.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
compassion, and concern and the caring of the medical staff
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
We didn't have hospice, we took care of them ourselves. We are a medically
oriented family and knew how to care for them.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Bringing comfort in a time of need.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
That their spirit will live on, and soon we all will be together
--Regarding MONEY:
Unimportant, we take of each other.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
That they were cared for by many people and well thought of in the
community. They helped us a great deal just by being there.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
That we have looked all night for my brother-in-law and the others couldn't
find him, but as we were going to my sisters house, myself, daug, other sister
and mother found him in his truck. I couldn't understand why it would be us to
find him and not the others. They had been by the place he was killed serveral
times and never seem him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Being a nurse, I know what to watch for, that is a hard thing to see and
know that death is near. I would keep the others who weren't nurses informed as
to what is happening. That was a hard thing for me.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It was the last stage of living.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Had nothing like that to happen
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
That people let their wishes be know, by living will or any other means.
This will make things alot easier for the living knowing what the dying person
wants and doesn't want.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I just hope that I have been a postive influence on someones life and made
them better and let them know that they are loved.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
By speaking of the dead and not shut them out.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
From time to time, I would say ,in a certain situation, "I wonder what they
would do if this happen to them?" and relect on that.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
having good memories of her
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Silence & Taboos
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Many of these questions I have already asked myself and resolved them with
myself, Its good to relfect every once in a while.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
How do I talk with someone who is not a family member? I seem to back-up
when it comes to patients families. I just can't seem to talk to them as I would
like to. That is the hardest thing for me.
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