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Fri Oct  3 14:16:57 2008
F61 in Medford, Oregon =U.S.=
Name: Sandra
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 8 Months ago.
Cause of Death: viral infection due to immunosuppression after double lung
transplant.  He had cystic fibrosis.;   Aged: 36.

     He received a double lung transplant in 2006, January 19.  He had
been diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at age 3.  He had been very
ill for many years.  However, after transplant he did extremely
well and by november 2007 he was at 98% lung function.  Then he
suddently contracted a virus.  By January 2, 2008, he was in ICU
and died January 29, 2008.  It was sudden an unexpected considering
he had been doing nothing but improving over the 2 years.  He was
a wonderful son and I miss him desperately.  When he died I really
began to question what I thought I believed.  I wondered if we are
all fooling ourselves and making up stories to make these kinds
of losses easier.  I'm trying many ways to reconnect to spirit
but I am so sad and frankly terrified that I will never be in his
presence again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     The end of our physical experience.  We are much more than matter,
or maybe matter is much more spirit filled than we can experience
while we are physical beings.  While we are physical our joint
thinking a dreaming create our entire physical experience,
everything we see and everything we don't see, everything we are
aware of and everything that has never entered our thoughts in our
conscious awake experience.  When we die our souls, non-physical
aspect of ourselves that exists singularly and also as part of
all non-physical awareness, takes its leave of our physical form
which decays or is destroyed.  Our souls then remerge with all
non-physical awareness while still maintaining its ability to link
with its individual experiences in physical form throughout time,
past, present and future.  We live many times, and maybe all at once,
I'm not sure.  Time has me baffled.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was shocked and frightened. Wasn't sure what would happen next.
New it was a bad thing because my mother fainted and my father was
crying very hard.  I had never seen either of my parents respond
to anything this way before.  All of a sudden there was something
that could reach into a perfect world and take the foundation apart.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     My mother wanted to send me, along with my 2 sisters, across the
street to spend the night with the neighbors.  She might as well
have wanted to send me to the moon. I absolutely refused to go,
I was scared, and threw a screaming fit.

--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It has to be discussed.  It has to be presented early on as just
a part of the circle of life.  We come in, we go out, we come in,
we go out.....  Death should be celebrated as just another part of
our journey.  Fear must be removed.  Religion has done a lot to
terrify humans about death.  We are going to be punished in some
horrendous way for all the mistakes we have made.  I for one do not
believe that.  Religion has done more to harm than help man.  I would
encourage a more natural accepting celebratory stance when it comes
to death.  Yes we are sad when we exist separate from one another
in physical and non-physical reality, but that is only temporary.
WE are just catching the next train because we have a little more
business to finish up before we can leave but we will arrive at
the same place and see everyone again.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     I was given an extra 2 years with my son.  I am an astrologer and
could see that the 2 year mark was critical and, especially after
coming so close to death with him many times, I was very aware of
this time, the two years, as being a period of grace where I was
allowed to experience him once again in a healthy vibrant body and
watch him brush his own teeth, comb his own hair, sing to music he
loved, laugh, tell silly jokes, fall in love, play with his niece
and nephew, spend time with his sister, get mad when the 49ers lost
a football game, get mad when his sister accedentally locked him
out of the house and he would have to pound on the door to be let in
when he was coming home from work in the early morning hours, eat his
favorite foods ......Death gave me the gift of knowing how profound
the small things are and how appreciative we could be if we chose to.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     I have been in a support group of women since 1999 and they, as much
as possible, were with me on this journey and still are.  We are all
on the same journey we just don't often realize it.  Knowing others
truly cared and were available was the most important for me.
Being able to cry whenever and wherever I needed to and not to be
concerned about anyone's response was very helpful.  Of course I
was careful about where I chose to be and even in the moments where
I had to be somewhere I would not have chosen life often supported
me with an event of synchronicity closely connected to the journey
I am on.  Those synchronous moments help reaffirm belief.  They are
like stepping stones across a shallow stream leading to the place
where I will be able to reconnect to my core knowing.  That knowing
is simple, nothing ever dies or is lost, it just takes another form.
We are all one, now and forever.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Being physically separated from my beautiful son and knowing I
would not see him again in this life.  That I would not enjoy
him experiencing the wonders of what he could create in this life
for himself.  I think that will always be hard.  I think I will
always feel this pain of separation.  My heart  will ache even in
the moments when I am remembering his silliness and kindness and
everything else positive and negative about him.  I love him.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Be physically present as much as possible but even when you can't be
know that they know you are energetically with them.  Use friends
and family to fill in times when you can't be there so the person
is not alone.  Touch them, talk to them, tell stories, let them
know how much you have loved a appreciated evertything about them
and how much you will miss them.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     am so grateful to have had him as a son.  How he taught me so
much I coould have not learned another way.  He opened my heart
wide and I learned how to love and not judge others from him.
He was a person who did not need to forgive because he never made
the negative judgment in the first place.  With his death I feel
it is my duty to embody what I learned from him and to love myself
in a way I was never able to before.  He wanted me to do that.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     There really wasn't anything that was comforting at the time.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I did not laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     I would have stayed with him night and day.  I would have said more
of the wonderful things about him.  I would have told him I didn't
want him to leave now.  I would have pleaded for him not to leave.
I would have promised anything to prevent his death.  I would rather
have died myself for sure.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Have the friends I have and have them step in and help out in such
unselfish ways.  I will be forever grateful to them.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     When he was dieing I did not feel like he was in his body.  I'm not
sure he had been in his body for some time prior to his death.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I still have never felt I am over it.  I don't believe at this
point in time that I ever will be.  Perhaps that will change.
I still cry every day and most nights.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would hold my ground more firmly around what is best for him,
no matter how it may upset him.  I would see him for who he really
is and not force him to fit into some ideal of the person I believe
him to be.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     It's not really confustion.  It is just the difference between my
needs as a physical being and my son's need to no longer be physical
for a while.  So I think it was the best move for him but extremely
painful for me.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     be gone myself.  Be with him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     This can't be true.  He worked so hard and struggled and fought to
stay alive so he could receive his new lungs.  And now, at the top
of his game in his physical body, he dies.  It just can't be right.
Why???? Why now???

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     Extreme appreciation.  I love his pulmonologist and he loved my
son there is no doubt.  He did everything possible to save his life.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     I do not appreciate or support organized religion.  I respect peoples
choices for there own comfort but prefer to feel a connection will
all people and all things without a relition to separate us.
--Religious Affiliation:
     None.  I am spiritual.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     Correct. I believe in the non-physical realm there is no such thing
as religion.  All religion leads to the same center.  We all arrive
at the same place just using a different story.  The reason I do not
like religion is that it divides peopole, creates war and hatred and
controls through fear and creating a false sense of righteousness
and superiority.
--Regarding MONEY:
     it was not an issue.  Everyone did what they could.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     Friends were more profoundly important that family.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     My husband, my sons step-father, saw my son three times during the
pipe ceremony and was quite shaken by the experience.

     My own intuition, even though I denied it at the time  I knew that
he would not make it I think.  I often felt he was not in his body.

     I just trust whatever feeling comes and allow it.  I don't often need
to share.  In fact more often I prefer it to be a solitary process.
I cry when I must and need to.  I don't have a final end in sight,
I doubt there is one.  I truly feel I have lost a part of my own
self and that I will never be the same person again.  That is okay.
Life is change and suffering.  Wisdom comes in the midst of it all.
Acceptance and allowance are the key words here.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     my son was heavily sedated and so I have no idea what his experience
may have been.  I wish I did.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I don't feel I have unresolved issues with my son.  We had a good
relationship.  I took care of him and enjoyed him.  Now I only
miss him.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I want to hear him say "I am so happy.  I am glad to be where I am
and am having a wonderful time.  I miss you too and am so sorry
you are so sad but I will see you all again.  I am watching over
everyone and can see all that is happening and you are doing fine,
you're right on track.  You will feel better in time I promise."

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I was shocked to not dream of my son for many months after his death.
I still have had only one dream where he appeared but I would not
call it profound.I think maybe I want it too badly and try too hard.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     The wishes of the dying must always be honored.  It is their journey
and we are only there as fringe participants.  Our own wishes and
desires must be put aside and we must honor who they are and the
way they would want things to proceed.  It is best to talk these
things over in advaance.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I'm ready anytime. I am not afraid.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     She loved her children and grandchildren.  She was the best friend
she could be.  She worked on loving herself.  She wanted to grow
and change for the better always.  She moved consciously in the
world and was sensitive to others.  She knew how to love, was kind,
and thoughtful.  People felt safe and comfortable in her presence.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I had a chart reading by a very famous astrologer, Rob Hand, in
which I asked specific questions about my son's chart and my own.
It was extremely helpful.  After than I did a Basic Shamanic
Journeying Workshop with the Foundation fo Shamanic Studies and
had some helpful experiences during that and was given information.
Nothing as specific as I would like it to be.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
    I have sobered and matured.  I care less about anything physical.
Control of anything in my environment does not mean anything
to me anymore.  I clean house, organize, dispose of things only
because it gives me something to do with my time.  I am not too
inspired to engage in life anymore.  I try and sometimes experience
small moments of pleasure but mostly I feel empty.  I know I must
continue and I know that because I have not died.  I will do what
I must and try to be the best person I can be and learn and grow
but really don't care too much about outcome.

       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Dissociation 
     emotionally disconnecting it seems was the way I dealt.  It was
certainly the way my mother dealt.  I remember her fainting at
the news and then after that I don't remember any tears or even
remember her talking about her dad.  No one helped me u nderstand or
reassured me.  They were all Christians too so I am sure there were
some of those platitudes that one often hears that have absolutely
no meaning in my experience.

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Abandonment 
     Feeling emotionally at a dead end nowhere to turn and no one to
turn to at that young age.  Even as I aged and often thought of
the loss there was no one to talk to.  I pretty much had to just
contain the pain and sadness.  It just slowly petrified over time.

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I would do what my friends have done.  Stay in touch.  Call,
send cards, stop by, let them know they are being thought of and
recognized they are going through a process that will take and
undefined amount of time.  Stay aware that grief works out in
stages and continue over the long haul to do all those things
just mentioned.

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     Through the questionnaire I was better able to make the connection
to my grief as a young child and the grief I am experiencing now.
I may be able to have a different outcome this time.

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