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See Current contributions.
See Nov 07 contributions.
See Oct 07 contributions.
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Thu Dec 27 12:38:01 2007
F59 in Houston, Texas =USA=
Name: Constane Manteris
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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More personal info:
Dying is another step in living. As much as I know this it is hard
to be the one left. I can't believe that my husband will be gone and
it breaks my heart so, still I will be there for him and ease his way
as much as I am able. I'll ask him to pray for me and watch over us.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Heart Attack; Aged: 78.
--Details:
She died sitting at the dinner table. Dad was with her and she fell
out of her chair. He couldn't lift her so he went to get help.
It was terribly traumatic for him. I was called about 30 minutes
later and felt it was unbelieveable.
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--Death Is:
has no dominion. It has been conquered and we are led to another
spiritual life with God.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt sad.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
thinking, "it can't be true"
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
speaking with my Mother on the day she died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My belief in God
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Comprehending the ending of our time together here on earth.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to continually tell them its okay to go, that you love them and
how glad you are that they are in your life.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
did not wish her back. She was in a place where there is no pain,
no sadness, and no tears. And I was happy that she was there.
My human weakness mourned her loss.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realised that you could be gone in an instant. One second here,
the next gone. There should have been ruffles and flourshes,
instead there was nothing.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was nervous energy.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her I love her one more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk with her the morning she passed.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I found out that that morning she called all of her children.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I came to the realization that my husband was also dying.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
After my Fathers death I dreamed that he called me to him and put his
arms around me and told me that he was okay and for us not to be sad.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I don't think that it is fair our unfair. But I wonder how, after
38 years, I will be able to live without him.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
It is difficult contemplating my husbbands death, sometimes I whish
it were over with and most of the time I can't bear the thought of
being without him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
It can't be true.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
cya
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I have not had to call hospice in yet for John, but I understand
that they are wonderful people and will make him as comfortable as
they can.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything. We have a deep faith and wonderful Church and friends.
--Religious Affiliation:
Greek Orthodox
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
wrong.
--Regarding MONEY:
Not an issue
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How many people loved my parents.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
NOt there yet.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
the anger is the hardest thing to get over. It overtakes you and
can smother you if you are not careful.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
John has seen a spiritual light.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues with my parents. My husband and I
have had the time to talk with one another, to ask forgivness and
to reaffirm our love for each other.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
After my Fathers death he came to me to let me know he was okay
and for us not to be sad.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Will
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I believe that it is easier to go than to stay. The one who goes,
goes to God and is filled with joy. Those who stay are filled with
loss and sadness.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
wife of 38 years, mother of 3, grandmother of 12. Loved, God,
Family, and country.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Jesus prayer
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Having a rule of prayer is sustaining to me. Having a loving family,
children, grandchildren and wonderful husband.
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What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Someone to listen.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I'm not sure. I am having trouble with the impending death of
my husband. He has a GBM and doesn't have long. It seems like a
horrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. It seems all darkness
for me after he is gone.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Who is dying in your life now that you need help with?
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Wed Dec 12 07:22:10 2007
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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from a student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Intimate Death by Maria Hennezel, The Hour of Our Death by Aries,
The Denial of Death by Becker,
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 58 Years ago.
Aged:
--Details:
It has totally influenced life choices and career
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--Death Is:
The cesation of biological function
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
no one talking about it but I am sure it was on everyone's mind
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is normal and healthy, like birth
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a distant relative took the role of mother for me. My family were
not happy about this.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being connected to nature
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
No one would talk about or explain things
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
If the person can talk: open the possibility of talking about their
death, what it may be like, what it means, what strength they are
drawing from.
If the person is in coma: family to talk about the
values they have learned from this person or the memories that they
will always have about this person
If neither of these is possible,
to be able to sit with the dying person and be "presently present"
--[My Patient's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
no longer fear death
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did not laugh, but, laughter and tears are very closely related
psycho-biologically
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have understood more clearly that mother was going to die.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
go to the funeral
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
when my father died in later years I had not been close to him and
friends and his students told me stories of things he did and said
and I realized what a great man he had been
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the families need to have an expensive coffin
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when I allow a deep personal search into myself
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I feel that both my mother(her teachings, values, skills) are
within me and she lives there, in those things. The same is true
for my dad.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It was not fair that my mother died when I was so young
It is not
fair when I see other young people die when they have not had a
fullsome life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
understand it all
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt so abandoned
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
respect,but they are not omnipotent. (as they might like to believe)
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice did not exist at the time of mother's death.
I presently
work in the hospice medical field and I try to concentrate on pain
and symptom control so we can delve into more existential issues
with both patient and family
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
when I was a child I was brought up in a fundamentalist christian
environment but except for play time at sunday school I could not
get my head around many of the beliefs
--Religious Affiliation:
I have no affiliation
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I belive my spirit lives on in all the others I have taught or
influenced
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
An explanation of the last days (hours) is always helpful for those
who want to know. I follow their questions after I have said I am
willing to talk about the dying process. At EVERY family meeting
the question of "how long" ALWAYS comes up
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
grief requires time and the ability to let it wash through you so
you may experience its totality.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Patients often comment on visits and I try to normalize this as
patients often feel they are "going mad"
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My partner experienced an episode of anaphylactic shock where
breathing and heartbeat stopped. She claims she was aware of nearly
everything that was going on at that time. Although there was no
tunnel or white light, her consciousness during that time period
presents interesting possibilities
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think I have resolved my grief around my parents
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
As a child I often "dreamed" of my mother who would reassure me that
I was all right and able to cope. Over time she faded in my dreams.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
A person has the right to choose or refuse treatment including food
and fluids.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am looking forward to it. It will require that I attend to some
interesting tasks. I hope to use my death as another teaching tool
for whoever happens to be at the bedside.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
that I influenced the thinking of a group of people who will change
the thinking of society. that I taught about death and dying with
great passion.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
As I work in the hospice field multiple deaths often overwhelm us. I
go to a local park and climb an old maple tree that has a branch
extending at right angles from the trunk. I lie on this branch
on my stomach and hold the tree with my had resting on it's bark.
There is a timelessness about this tree. I am probably not the
first person to climb this tree for this purpose, and I am sure I
will not be the last person to do so.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have climbed this tree so often that I can do it in memory so I
take the tree with me.
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How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
For the whole year following her death my father put me to bed
and read me a story. This became a constant that I could rely on.
He never failed to be there every night.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
The family (who were lost in their own grief) did not want to talk
about it
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just keeping everyone informed of the process
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was an interesting exercise that focuses a person on their belief
system and social attitudes.
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Wed Dec 12 06:08:47 2007
F47 in =South Africa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Public Relations Consultant
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More personal info:
I would like you to post my sons memorial website url and refer
others to his legacy section where I have documented our After
Death Communication experiences
www.mark-schroeder.memory-of.com
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elisabeth Kubler Ross, Raymond Moodie, Gordon Smith, John Edwards,
Alison du Bois, Jane Greer, Michael Newton
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 2.5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: air crash; Aged: 17.
--Details:
My son was in the care of our friend who was piloting a small
plane in Alaska. The pilot overoaded the plane which caused it to
crash. He had put my son in the cargo hold without a restraint. My
son sustained an injury to the head in the crash. He did not
die immediately. He helped the other passengers to safety up on
icebergs in the lake where they crashed and then he eventually
drowned because the water was very cold. All the other passengers
and the pilot survived. The pilot was arrested for manslaughter
but has never gone to trial.
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--Death Is:
we are spirits and when we come to earth we get a temporary body and
mind that we use to grow our spirits and widen our experience. Before
we come here we know what it is that we want to experience so when
we die, we simply shed our earthly body and our spirit returns home
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very sad but not shaken to the core or traumatised
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the horror/disbelief and the sense of acute separation - being
abruptly cut off from my son
--What I think my (South Africa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Our culture avoids death and avoids talking about after death
communication - our society is too fast paced and people expect you
to'get over it' because they do not want to be confronted with your
grief.There are insufficient rituals of passage and ways to honour
the dead person on their birthdays and death anniversaries
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I have no regrets about my relationship with my son. We had an
outstanding relationship and I never failed him in any way. He was a
wonderful son and he died heroically. I am proud of that and proud
of all he was.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the support I have from my son's friends and my exeperiences of
hearing from my son through a very good medium.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The loss of the future I thought we would have together. The loss
of dreams, the sense of being cut off from the person I was so
incredibly close to
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Be honest if they ask about their prognosis. Listen, listen,
listen. Remind them that this separation is temporary. Share
wonderful memories. Tell them how much you love them.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have lost all fear of my own death
have realised that love is
eternal
experience after death communication with my son in the
form of dreams, symbols and messages
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i couldn't understand where my son is and what he is doing and not
being able to sense him or feel that we still have contact
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
you do get an incredible urge to scream or laugh in the most
inappropriate settings
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
There is nothing I can change and nothing I regret because his
death was not in any way my fault.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Keep my dignity and arrange a beautiful and very meaningful memorial
service for him.
Have the support of my family and my sons friends
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
looking back my son seemed to have a sense in his spirit that he
was leaving soon. He wrote me in an email a few days before he
died "have to go, my time's nearly up" refering to his time on
the computer at the internet - and there were lots of other little
things like that that he did in the month before he died
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Recovering his body from the lake. His body has never been recovered
and I don't mind that. People think I don't have closure because
of not getting his body back but to me that is not important
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I cry at least three times a week still and around his birthday,
christmas and his death anniversary i have a complete blow out for
a night or two when I weep inconsolably and feel as much pain as
I did on the first day
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I often think about what he would be like now - whether he would
have qualified as a pilot, what his children would look like, and
I indulge in a fantasy from time to time where he phones me and
explains that its all a big mistake and he is coming home - i dont
do it often any more but its very comforting to go to that fantasy
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I understand that there is a greater plan for our lives and that on
a metaphysical level this was the destiny we chose but on a human
level as a mother I think it is incredibly unfair to lose the most
beautiful son anyone could wish for.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
get out of my body somehow
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
did not believe it. He was such an invincible kind of larger-than
life, solve all problems type of boy.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
my son wasn't sick or in hospital so this is not applicable
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
not applicable
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. We are not a religious family. We are very aware of
spiritual things but we do not believe in organised religion and
we did not have a religious memorial service for my son
--Religious Affiliation:
current: None past: raised as a Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Absolutely correct. I meet with mothers from all faiths - muslim,
jewish, hindu, ancestor-worship based religions, christian and
budhist and we all have very similar experiences and beliefs about
death since we lost our children. If anything I see that death of
a child makes people totally re-examine everything their religion
taught them about death
--Regarding MONEY:
Money was not a big issue in my son's death. However afterwards we
had to make decisions on whether or not to spend money fighting
a legal battle and my income declined for a while because I am
self-employed and I battled to summon up my old energy to work at
a high pace
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was an incredible tribute. His friends and his brothers, his
coaches, his team mates and his teachers, our whole family rallied
together and made it a profound send off for a life lived with honour
and to the full. There was laughter, there was tears and an amazing
sense of togetherness as we shared our grief and honoured his life.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
after losing my son it was like my spiritual senses were far more
heightened than before. My intuition is much more developed, I sense
things and am nearly always correct, I have a sense of being half in
this world and half in the spiritual dimension a lot of the time. I
have very vivid dreams and wakeful visions that I can recall clearly.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I had no prior warning of my son dying
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
not applicable
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
As a group of family and friends, there have been over 20 dream
visits when my son has visited us and spoken to us. He has also
warned us of danger and that has proved to be correct. There are many
other ways that his spirit communicates with us - particularly using
birds and the number 8 which was his rugby team number. The signs are
so obvious and unusual and specifically timed that they could not
be explained away as co-incidence. We also get orbs in photographs
that have a consistent colour and texture when compared to orbs
in photographs from other families. I have documented all of these
signs on my sons's memorial website www.mark-schroeder.memory-of.com
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Yes. I had a near death experience at the birth of my son who died. I
was 26 and I had placenta ecreta - a rare condition which resulted
in my losing all the blood in my body. My NDE was the classic one -
hovering above my body, seeing my husband and the doctor and nurses
screaming and trying to revive me while I was pulled towards a
beautiful light and guided by wonderful spirit people. I do sense
that I was given a choice of whether or not I wanted to continue
and I chose to come back because I had just given birth to my son
and I wanted to take care of him. Afterwards I found out that I was
declared 'clinically dead' for a few minutes and my doctor thought
they had lost me.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I dont have any unresolved issues with my son because we had an
excellent relationship and on a spiritual level I do accept that it
was his time to die. Where I have a lot of unresolved issues relates
to the court case and the prosecution which is very difficult to
deal with
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like him to tell me more about the dimension where he is
and what the purpose of our temporary separation is. I would also
love a little more guidance from him - be assured that I am making
good decisions etc. I dont need to tell him that I love him because
he knows that and I know how he loved/loves me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Yes. Vivid dreams where my son talks to me and gives me very clear
information. In warning dreams, the next day the information he
gives me will be confirmed. I find this quite incredible.
Apart
from my dream experiences he has also visited many of his friends
and his girlfriend.
In the strangest incident - he appeared
to three friends in dreams in the same night and he told them all
exactly the same thing - they found this out the next day when they
excitedly contacted each other to share their dream visit.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
music to be played
who should get what special possessions
what
type of memorial service
where ashes should be scattered
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I no longer have any fear of my own death. I often look forward to
it but I am not suicidal
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
there would be a brief reference to my career and musical
achievements but I will be remembered for courage under pressure,
for being an inspiration, for being determined and generous and
for being an outstanding mother and friend
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Reaching out to other bereaved parents helps me
We have had two
memorial anniversary events for my son where we play music, have
a picnic and everyone lights candles at sunset for him and others
they love who have passed. We also do positive things in his name -
on every bithday we have donated to a charity or helped a cause and
I get all his friends involved which they find very uplifting
I
also started a grief forum and I created a memorial website for my
son which has helped me tremendously because I am forced to look
at photographs and video and reflect on his life
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have built Yoga into my life now and I play the piano and work
really hard at my music because I find that gives me peace and a
higher spiritual awareness.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes. You lose a lot of friends whom you would have expected to be
there and you gain some unexpected new friends. My new friends have
come mainly from my son's friends who are closer to me than we ever
were before and also from other parents whose teenage sons have died.
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have visited with over 50 bereaved mothers since my son
died. Reaching out to others gives you better perspective and
prevents you indulging in self-pity too much. I wish that more
adults could have walked with me through my grief but very few have
the capacity and I didn't find counselling useful. My sons friends
reached out to me the best because they were not uncomfortable around
my grief and they love to talk about my son and share memories and
after death communication experiences.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I find it very theraeputic to do questionnaires like this
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I think you might want to know more about phsyiological changes
in the bereaved - excessive drinking, dependence on drugs, panic
attacks, inability to sleep, weight gain/loss
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Sat Dec 8 13:35:05 2007
M36 in Hesperia, California =United States=
Name: Erica
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
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Prof/Studies: peer advisor
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 13 Years ago.
Cause of Death: a heart attack; Aged: 60.
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--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
became in touch with life. I was awaken to the fact that those
close to you will not be around forever. I felt deeply hurt and
sad and somethimes I wondered why my grandfather had to leave me.
I explored the ideas of life after death and wondered if that ideas
really existed. I wondered if my grandfather new he had died and
if he still saw me and cared for me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that my grandfather made a big impact on everyone in his life.
His funeral was enormous with people coming from several parts
of the United States to attend. There was police escorts on the
freeway because there were so many people that attended his funeral.
It litterally appeared like a celibrity had died. Seeing how many
people that attended the funeral and how many people my gramdfather
knew and was respected by made his passing a little more soothing.
He really had the funeral that he always talked about if not better
and that was comforting to me.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that when someone dies it is not all about money. It should be an
event that brings families together instead of splitting them apart.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I remember my gradfather would always tell me to live my life with
no regrets. He said that when he passed away he would not regret
anything because he lived his life the way he wanted to and I should
do the same.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Remembering the good times with my grandfather. Talking about him
in a positive way and time helped me deal with his death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the absence of my grandfather and him not being able to see my
accomplishments or my children grow up
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to have a lot of patience and understanding. Try to keep the
atmosphere a positive one and be warm and kind at all times.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realized how important it is to never hold grudges with someone.
If you dispute with someone you should quickly try to resolve your
issues with them. We are never promised tomorrow and to have
someone die or even die ourselves regretting something you have
done can be extremely painful
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I could'nt say goodbye.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let my grandfather know how much I loved him and appreciated him
in my life
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
forget that my grandfather ever even died
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
extreme sorrow
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
at first I was mad at the medical community and now i realize they
did their best
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was huge and many people loved my grandfather
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Funeral and Rituals
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Thu Dec 6 20:31:12 2007
F63 in brisbane, queensland =australia=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: teacher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, Years ago.
Cause of Death: brain haemorrhage; Aged: 53.
--Details:
I had been a nun and came out of the convent and was looking forward
to getting to know my father
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Leaving your friends and going to sleep . If you believe in a place
hereafter you will see them then. They will not be with you anymore
on this earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had to put a pair of rosary beads between my grandmas frozen fingers
because mum couldnt. I dreampt about the feeling for weeks.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
No one wanted to talk about it
--What I think my (australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Talk. celebrate the persons life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
counselling
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
aloneness. I stood at the graveside..no one touched me or came
near me
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Be yourself..dont put on a face...cry with them if you have to
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I still do not know the details surrounding his death. No one has
dealt with it and will not talk
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didnt experience this
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know my father
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
funeral service. I didnt need it
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
wHEN i THINK THAT i DO NOT EVEN KNOW THE DETAILS OF HOW HE DIED..WHAT
HE SAID IF ANYTHING
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i DONT THINK LIKE THIS
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i DID NOT THINK ABOUT FAIRNESS
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
dissociate
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
dID THEIR BEST
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i AM NODT AFRAID OF DEATH BECAUSE iM A CHRISTIAN
--Religious Affiliation:
pentecostal christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
okay
--Regarding MONEY:
no issue
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
sadness and great loss in the people around
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i TREAT THE PERSON AS IF THEY ARE LIVING NOT DYING. aLTHOUGH WE
DISCUSS DEATH
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I dont know what he experienced but if he did it would have been
by gods mercy
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
has not
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no unresolved issues I have talked them out in counselling
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
It wouldnt. Its not real
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
has not
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It bring s up for me the fact that I do not want to be kept alive
unnaturally...by machinery.. and would be careful to prepare a
document stating such
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have not problem with death
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Died a child of God . Gone to be with him. Will be
missedxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
What Helped me most deal with death? Therapy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Dissociation
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just be there for them
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
good
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Tue Dec 4 16:41:53 2007
F49 in Calgary , Alberta =Canada =
Name: Joy Swanton
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
My friend is doing a research project on the Tibetan Book of the Dead
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Prof/Studies: Inadvertently retired
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Grace & Grit by Ken Wilber, Many Buddhist teachings have been
helpful, Many books on the evolution of consciousness, Many books
on mental health.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 1 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Brain Cancer; Aged: 51.
--Details:
With brain cancer, you lose the person twice; once when the cancer
subsumes
the personality & then again when the body dies. My
husband changed from
a highly intelligent mature man to the
cognitive ability of a child. He was
unable to feel his own
pain so I had to be his pain receptor. His vision was
badly
compromised so I had to be his guide; he was unable to think so I
had
to negotiate on his behalf & think for him. He and I became
one person.
When his oxygen sats were so low he couldn't function,
I could match my
breath with his & raise his sats. I breathed
his last breath with him and in
many ways I died with him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
simply a transition from one state of being to another. From
physical
incarnation to something other which remains a mystery
to me as I am still
embodied.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young, grade 2. I saw someone pinned to a wall by a car.
He
suffered and then he died at the scene. Around the same time
I also knew of
2 children who died. One hit by a car near my
school. One chewed up by a
huge snow-blower. Then my grandparents
died. And my brother committed
suicide. Then my other brother
died of over-the-counter cold medications.
Both my mom and dad
have also died. As well as my husband. Death is the
natural
consequence of life.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I truly felt that I died with my husband. We were so linked
by the time
he died that there was no separation between us.
I became, and to a certain
degree still am, acutely suicidal
in that I no longer want to participate in this
incarnation.
There is not enough left of me to continue here. Each time
someone
close dies, a piece of me goes with them and I think there is more
of me on the other side, than there is of me here. Those around
me were
inspired by my care of my husband and my gift to him
of a beautiful death.
He was surrounded by love, by mantras,
by clarity of purpose. He died
accompanied to death's door.
--What I think my (Canada ) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to acknowledge and teach younger generations that death is not to be
feared
or hidden. It is a natural part of life and will happen to
everyone. I think
people should be trained in the skill of dying
consciously either so they can
make the transition gracefully or
so they can help others make that final
transition. I think it
needs to be part of the basic training for humans. This
culture
hides and sanitizes the dying experience; avoids facing the reality
of
death until it is often to late. Skillfulness should be taught
in all areas of life
as well as death. Both are inevitable if
one is incarnated here.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
through my husband's illness and death, I learned a depth of
compassion,
unconditional love and clarity in crisis that has
given me a new perspective on
relatedness. I am by nature a
solitary person but now I believe that we are all
interdependent,
not that I really like that lesson. I would have preferred to
share this newly acquired skill or knowledge with my miraculously
restored
husband. I wish he would have survived so that I
could love him more fully as
I learned to do through this ordeal.
Although I am grateful for the lesson, I
am currently resistant to
the circumstances that allowed me to learn the
lesson. This too
will come.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My psychotherapist who was my support for 3 years prior to my
husband's
diagnosis has been and continues to be, instrumental
in walking with me
through the fears, diagnosis, illness and
subsequent death of my husband as
well as post-death, helping
me rediscover the will to live and continue with
the process.
I also read voraciously anything to do with Eastern beliefs, yoga,
meditation (both which I practice), mental health, science and
technology,
medical information etc. I also have one very good
friend who has stuck by
me when all others abandoned me to the
process. My employer of 18 years
actually discontinued my job 6
weeks after my husband died so I was lost
without my husband or
my familiar workplace environment and the majority
of the people
at work who formed a part of my support system. All collapsed
as
did my mind.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The hardest part for me is once again confronting my 'death-wish'
and this
time without my primary support, my husband. When my
2nd brother died,
when my mom and dad died, when others left or
died, my husband was
always there to help me through. He was
my best friend and I loved him
dearly. We had no children, just
each other. Without him I find that I am cut
adrift with no will
to continue. My psychotherapist has been instrumental in
keeping
me safe from harm as I heal. The desire to once again rally the
will
to pick up and put it back together, re-engage life, is the
hardest part.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to just be fully present with the one who is dying. To ease any
suffering as
much as is possible. To remain strong and courageous
and be willing to do
whatever is necessary to support the dying
person fully and completely so
that fear is minimized for the
dying person. Ease their transition as much as
possible.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have learned that we truly are interdependent. No one dies alone.
No one
lives alone. And yet we are all born and die alone in
that actual transitions
are solitary. It is important, I feel,
to embrace both life and death. To live and
die with intensity
giving both the respect and gravity that they deserve. To
live is
a gift that is often painful. But pain is not to be avoided if one
is to
live fully. Pain is what happens but it is not who we are.
We are the soothers
of the ones in pain as long as we are alive;
and we are all in pain. Through
that experience of pain, great
empathy and compassion are born and I
believe that if you shy
away from pain, you also shy away from the gifts of
empathy and
compassion. As hard as that is to embody, I believe that that is
the truth.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my husband died instead of lived. The actual treatment is what
killed him,
not the cancer. Though without the treatment, he
would have died earlier. It
is confusing to try to make sense
of things when emotions are so volatile and
when the body is so
compromised by exhaustion and grief. It is hard to want
to go on
living when my best friend is dead. It is hard to feel empathy and
compassion for self or others when grief is so intense and not open
to
consolation. Plus people don't know how to respond to intense
grief and
their expectations cause all kinds of unwanted problems.
Grief timelines
don't apply though they are an interesting guide.
Also it is hard for me to
understand how my employer could be
so unaware of the effect that
eliminating my job and extended
support system would have on me;
knowing, as he did, that I was
exhausted and dependent upon my
employment. It mystifies me
that people can be so willfully cruel and/or
ignorant. Why are
some people so cruel when others can be so loving?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
We laughed a lot while my husband was dying. We would tell stories
about
him and we would read to him and we would sing at him.
We loved him very
much and he loved life. We remembered him while
he was dying. We
reported to him how much we appreciated him
and that included funny
stories, much laughter and much tears.
Passion comes out in tears as well as
laughter. It is all the
same energy.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get my husband the help he needed in time. I wish I would have
been more
intuitive about the very subtle changes happening to him.
I wish I would
have had the chance to say goodbye to him while he
was still in his right
mind. By the time we knew he would die,
he was unable to comprehend his
condition. He was not afraid of
death at all. I would have preferred that it
was me that died
and him that lived. He had a much better appreciation of
life than
I have ever had. It was his love that gave me my first experience
of
love, his companionship that gave me my first real friend, his
care that
allowed me to transcend my past and reach for more life,
rather than death.
It is my regret that it was not me that died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
My experience with the Medical System was inspirational. I have
been
involved with the Mental Health system since I was a child
as my mom was a
paranoid schizophrenic and needed continuous
care. I was her primary care-
giver until she died. My experience
with the Medical System in the past had
been horrible but then
again my mother was very difficult. My experience
with the
system while my husband was sick and dying was the opposite. Lots
of caring and competent doctors, nurses, aides, volunteers.
Since his death, I
have been involved with the Mental Health
system for myself; and again, my
experience is vastly different
than my experience with my mom. I am
extremely thankful for my
psychotherapist who genuinely cares about me. I
am also very
grateful for my friend who was with my husband and I when he
died.
We were chanting mantras and telling him jokes and just loving him
through the transition. It was beautiful. And the hospital
allowed us privacy
and deep respect for the process.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The ICU people gave us such profound respect as we accompanied my
husband to his death. I never expected such reverence for the
process and
respect and compassion for the one dying as well as
the survivors. The
medical system, to my surprise, is not without
heart. I think that when one
honors their role as participant
in the process and seeks to work with them
rather than against
them, they can become powerful allies in the death
process.
I never expected that.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I don't know. Nothing except my husband seemed to matter to me
at the
time. If others felt something else was more important, I
didn't hear about it.
After his death, however, many people felt
it was time to 'get back on the
horse' so to speak. Right away.
I felt that it was important to allow the
process to have its own
space wherever that might have led. Both are
different extremes of
the spectrum - I suspect the optimal path would be the
middle way.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Yes that's true. This Questionnaire has brought the emotions to the
surface
again. Tomorrow is our 21st Wedding anniversary and also
the 21st
anniversary of my brother's death. When anniversaries
arrive, I find that the
feelings are not far away. Time does
not heal. Time just allows others to
retreat from what is never
far from my mind or heart. I still carry the
emotions actively
that I had when I experienced each of the significant deaths
in
my life: my brothers, my parents, my husband.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I'm not resistant to the illness; I learned a lot through
the illness. I am
resistant to the 'necessity' of his death.
I think that had he lived, my husband
and I would have had an
amazing marriage. Truly what I have wanted my
entire life;
to be able to love and enjoy life with my best friend at my side.
Fully present and grateful for every moment.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It's just not fair that my husband had to die at 51. I learned the
lessons. I
can love more fully and deeply now; why can't he be
here to enjoy that new
capacity. He was my best friend. He also
said that we would grow old
together. Because of the illness,
he grew old without me. That's not fair. It's
never fair to be
left behind. And yet, that's the way it goes. For everyone
who dies, there are survivors.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have the courage to get off the planet.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
By the time my husband died, I was so totally exhausted and engulfed
in the
experience that I was just glad that it was over. After the
activity post-death,
when I was expected to 'return to my life'
such as it was, I could see no way
to continue on. No way and
no will to do so. Total hopelessness set in and
except for
the intervention of a couple of people, I would have been dead
last
fall. Death always has the effect on me of, why them,
why not me, as I have
never fully appreciated being here.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I have already answered that above. I have great respect for the
personal
caring and compassion that each medical practitioner
was able to show to my
husband and me. Truly an amazing life
profession. I met some very
committed and genuinely open-hearted
people through my experience with
the doctors, nurses, technicians,
you name it.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
My husband didn't actually end up in Hospice as I looked after him
at home.
However, the Hospice ministry were out to visit several
times and were very
helpful to my husband. Since his death,
I have been volunteering with Hospice
so that I can give back
some of what was freely given to us.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Absolutely nothing. I lost my faith, so to speak, many many
years ago.
Organized religion has been more of a hindrance
than a help for me. I feel that
organized religion is all about
conformity and subsumes individuality to the
mandates of the group.
--Religious Affiliation:
Currently I would say that I lean to Buddhist teaching. I have in
the past been a
christian.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I believe, at this point, that we are all the same spirit manifested
individually.
All one and yet unique facets of the whole.
My views are constantly evolving
though so who knows where they
will go.
--Regarding MONEY:
I was fortunate that money did not overtly factor into my process.
Even
though I lost my husband's income, my own income for the
most part, I have
been able to manage adequately. I grew up in
extreme poverty and am by
nature a thrifty person. Money is
the transactional commodity of this culture
but is given too
much prominence in my opinion. We can all reduce our
addition
to commercialism and seek to conserve resources rather than use
use use.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I invited one person that in hindsight, I should have known was not
welcome.
Other than that, the memorial was held outdoors in my
friend's beautiful
backyard garden. It was very personal, full
of laughter, food and fun (just the
way my husband would have
wanted it). No grim traditions were present. It
was indeed a
celebration of his life. Even the funeral guy I worked with was
very real once he realized that I didn't need the trappings of the
industry. It
was refreshing to meet someone who actually identified
with my more
relaxed view of death. Very much unlike my mother's
death when the funeral
arranger treated me like a heathen when
I chose to forego a traditional
funeral service. The guy that
helped me with my husband was a real person
doing a real job to
the best of his ability to meet my needs and requirements.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
a return to previous behaviors that I thought I had already dealt
with. Unhealthy
behaviors and though patterns that I thought
were long gone. A time shift
occurred in that I lost track of
a stable reality. I slipped backwards in time.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
my yogic training regarding the process of dying was instrumental in
helping
me engage the reality of death. I think it is important
for everyone to learn
about death and the process of dying before
they are forced to face it head on.
Fore-knowledge is valuable.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
For me the process has been individually my own. I have read several
books on Loss of a Spouse and although some points are universal,
I believe that the individual grieving process is exactly that,
individual. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and prior
experience with death or suffering as well as personal disposition,
character, will factor in to the grieving process. At times,
I feel that I should be further along in the grieving process
but then I realize that it will be what it will be and that it is
important for me to not avoid or seek to minimize my experience.
Each death has affected me differently. No two deaths are similar. No
two grieving processes are alike.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
this has not been something that I have observed and I have not
been visited by
any person or being from the other side.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My husband always said that when he was very young, 5 or 6 years
old, he was
swimming alone in a rural pond when he almost drowned.
He swears that he
was rescued by an entity that told him he would
have 50 more years. He always
felt that he would die by the
time he was 55 or 56. Once when he was much
older, he thought to
throw himself off a bridge but was persuaded not to by an
angel.
He actually had many many other-worldly experiences he said.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My psychotherapist is helping me. I am processing the anger at my
husband
that has recently arisen from his leaving me. And also
from his apparent
passivity regarding his health. I believe this
anger will pass and that it is a
necessary stage that I have
to go through. I miss my husband and I am angry
with him for
leaving me behind. I intend to continue to engage the process
with help from my doctors and hopefully, come to a better place in
that I
hope that I will one day want to be alive.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I think all that was said is all that was necessary to be said.
I would however, as
noted above, prefer to have him by my side
to experience the changes that have
occurred in me. To be there
to appreciate the 'fruit of his labor' so to speak.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
That has never happened to me. My mother said that after my oldest
brother
died, he came back and told her that he was happier now.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Only the desires of the person dying should be considered. No one
else's
agenda matters. The dying person should be accompanied with
full
consciousness to death's door so that his/her transition is as
beneficial as
possible - if there is reincarnation, one should be
given the best possible
opportunity to navigate the death process.
The people in my life who matter
are well aware of my desires
for my death. I am very clear on my rights and
wishes. My will
is done, my belongings are minimized and ready to be
dispersed,
loose ends are tied up in case I lose my mind first. I am packed
and ready to go. whenever that should happen. I think that it is
wise to live
one's life as if each day is potentially the final
day here.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Sometimes I can't wait to die. I have been drawn to self-destruction
since I
was very young. I believe that death will bring an end to
the pain that has
always been synonymous to me with life. I have
often wondered if my oldest
brother was right to kill himself;
that he knew something that I haven't yet
grasped or that he had
the courage that I lack to quit struggling. I have often
said that
I wish my expiry date was written on the bottom of my foot so that I
would be able to plan for my death. I think most of the so called
fear of
death is really the fear of the unknown - the unknown
when, the unknown
what will happen, the unknown what's next.
I am ready to die every day and
go to bed each night hoping it is
my last sleep. All my decisions, what I
should eat or wear or
whatever, on any given day take into consideration the
question
'what would you eat or wear or whatever if this was your last day'.
What I want most of all is someone who will be there with me as
I was with
my husband, when I die. And I would do that today,
right now, if I could find
that person. I've often said that if
this life was a holiday destination, I would
never come back and
wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Mine is a constant struggle between isolation, my preferred
stance, and
relationship, which is a foreign 'language' to me.
Regarding ritual, I have the
ashes of my mom, my cats and my
husband at home with me and this creates
a reminder for me that
they have made the transition to the next phase,
whatever that
may be. I have also been extensively tattooed with a life/death
theme which includes a graveyard in which my entire family is
represented. I
am currently designing an appropriate memorial
site for my husband which
will be inked in good time. For me,
the relationship with my artist has been
helpful in memorializing
my losses. The pain of the tattooing process
manifests in a
physical way, the emotional pain of the loss.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Each death of a significant person has altered my life permanently.
Regarding my husband's death, I believe that for the most part
I died with
him. I am currently in the process of finding
and nurturing that which
remains and with any luck, building on
that foundation. I still meditate and
do my yoga as I find that
very helpful in integrating the experience. I still
maintain an
ongoing relationship with my tattoo artist. I continue to meet
with the medical community specifically the mental health branch,
which I
find very helpful in sorting through this process. And I
still read voraciously
about all things regarding life and death.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
On the contrary, it would seem that many people that I thought
were friends,
were unprepared to continue the relationship in
the face of so much
suffering. Those people have dropped away.
What has remained is a strong
friendship with one good friend as
well as with my psychotherapist.
Consequently, I am hesitant
to start any new friendships as what good are
they if they leave
when I need them the most. I received more compassion
and support
from those who didn't know me (the medical community
specifically)
than from those who supposedly cared about me. It has been my
experience that profound suffering often alienates people as they
just don't
have the skills to handle the realities of life.
At this point I will only consider
friendship if the other is
skillful enough to understand my perspective on
relationship.
That it must be genuine, honest, loving and forgiving.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Therapy
At the time of his death, I had no skillful means to deal with
it. Only later did I process it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
I was shunned because my brother committed suicide.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I tend to isolate so did not allow too many people to reach out
to me. I did
accept the help from others that was genuinely
given. After a suitable time,
I began to volunteer at Hospice
in order to help ease the suffering of those
dealing with cancer.
I will continue to volunteer there, and perhaps
elsewhere, as I
believe it is a necessary part of my healing.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I found this questionnaire to be very interesting and I hope that
you can use
my experience in some helpful way. I think it is
important to engage the
process of life and death more attentively
and if this can help in some way,
then it is useful. There must
be some good that comes out of pain otherwise
what's the point
of persevering and enduring. The topic of death is never far
from my mind/heart. I have been immersed in this reality since I
was young.
I appreciate the opportunity to speak openly, even in
written form, about
something that has informed my entire life.
Most people shy away from that
reality.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Nothing I can think of right now. Good luck with your research.
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See Nov 07 contributions.
See Oct 07 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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