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See Current contributions.
See Sep 07 contributions.
See Aug 07 contributions.
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Sun Sep 2 11:15:56 2007
F51 in NH =USA=
Name: Elaine
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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More personal info:
This was a fascinating process. I would have liked to download the
format and spent a few days working on it then be able to upload
the completed copy here.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 1 Years ago.
Cause of Death: reportedly accidental drowning but I had received a suicidal email
2 days before he died He drowned with his son-in-law.; Aged: 56.
--Details:
He and his son in law went fishing and disappeared. His body was
found drowned 5 days after he disappeared. His son-in-law's body
wasn't found for several months (10-11- mos)later. The evening
before his body was found I held an outdoor candle lit ritual by
myself, calling to his spirit. Late that night, as I lay in my bed,
I had a waking dream where "saw" him floating face down in about
3 ft of water near a rocky shoreline. I knew it was him because
of the curly hair; I loved his hair when it cirled like that.
I "witnessed" his body's recovery as, in the dream, I was standing
beside him in the water.. the water was up to the base of my own
hairline; the waters themselves, were very calm. In this vision,
no one else saw me. I watched as they removed him from the water,
identified his remains, put him on the strecher and took him away.
It wasn;t until I pulled away and began to see a larger picture
that I noticed he had been floating off the shore of a small island.
I later learned the name of the island was Lonely Island; it fit him,
it fit his life.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
leaving the "training vehicle" (our body), leaving here to go back
to our soul group and reunite with the priotionof our spirit we
left behind to restore us after this life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 5 years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how my heart clenched when I learned of his death No one I had
been intimate with had ever died and I flooded with the memories
of what our life had been like when we were together...some happy,
spme not so happy. I remmebered our last conversation and his
emotional pai. I remember wondering if he was at peace now...then
almost immediately, I knew he was.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how singular this lifetime is in relationship to the overall goals
our individual soul must accomplish.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that quiet, small voice within me that responds to my unspoken
questions/fears. FOr instance, when I wondered if he was at peace,
I instantly hear the soft reassurance that, in deed, he was.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
people who had come into my life at "just the right time"; sometimes
they stayed, but often, these people where "chance" encounters who
just happened to come along.....
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
getting past all the fear and mis information I had been exposed
to as a child. Unthawing my emotions and allowing the waves of
grief and loss to wash over me then ebb and flow away.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
breth evenly, allow your face and eyes to soften, meet the eyes of
the dying person and let them guide the course of the conversation.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
My father and I had a violent relationship, he was closed minded,
alcoholic and not able to feel his own emotions. He spent most
of his lfe thrying to close off from people yet, the day he died,
we had the most "connected" experience of our entire relationship.
I was aware I was "disassociating" from our father-daughter to that
of a more clincial ( safe) distance... but what transpired between
us, through our eyes, has stayed with me always. I heard myself
ask if he was scared... for the first time I can ever rememebr,
his eyes met mine, they were clear and open... I saw saddness,
no anger. He didn't speak; I told him I would be scared if I
were in his place and then I did something I never did before,
I touched him... I placed my hand on his knee and left it there (
he sat in a wheelchair). His eyes filled with tears bit still he
did not speak. I don;t rememebr anyting else from that exchange.
But later that night, I awoke suddenly with a start seconds before
the phone rang; it was his dr telling me dad had died.
When my
mother dired, 24 yrs later, I was alone, outside my rural home,
laying in a healing circle by myself, surrounbded by 30 lit candles
in ritual. That's another story.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
how others handled death, specifically funerals as I was growing up.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did this... laughed out loud; the reactions of others ranged from
horror and anger to gentle understanding.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
remain present with my own feeling/emotions instead of falling into
what others thought I should be or do.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I became aware of the sensation of the sun on my face during my
mtoher's funeral... the warmth seemed intense and spread through
my body... the voices around me dullen to a distant hum.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
making sure eberythig happened "on time" at the funeral.... My
son;s babysitter became ill so they called and asked me what to do.
I told hom to bring the kids, we would wait. The funeral home was
great about the delay but the "visitors" were antsy and, in one case,
demanded to know why we were delayed.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
emotions of all kindws flood over me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I can do this, and have, many times. It is mostly enjoyable as
long as I do not get hing up in the what ifs
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
hoiw easily the hiospice folks adapted to the family surroundings;
the focus was not only on the dying one; but on the entire unit.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
only s small piece of the process... many of the organizaed church
people I met clung to their doctrine in stead of being emotionally
present for thise they came in contact with. If the clergy did not
really know the family; this was a opportune time to "meet" them,
on an emotional level... Maybe it was the clergy's own humanity
that got in the way, I don;t know. I never got the impression they
were open to really talking TO me just AT me.
--Religious Affiliation:
judao-christian belielfs combined with buddist philosphy
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
all encompassing... superceeds the narrowness of various doctrine
and reinforces the commonality of a Supreme Being
--Regarding MONEY:
it became the focus of grief for angry family members. In the most
recent case, ripping the family apart emotionally.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how my mother;s burial was affecting those around her. In most
cases, they weer not close enough to my mother to actually feel
great emotional gried over her death; still, some were actually
wailing. Clearly they were feeling untouched grief from their
own past experiences. It was fuuny, as I scooched down, under
the umbrella, between my 2 youngest grandchildren I felt like a
spectator watching the emotions of those around us.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
reconnecting my spirit with my physical body and just rtying to walk.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
don't change the topic of conversation from theone the dying operson
chooses to go in.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
honesty became the focus in my life; I was more aware of how I really
felt about everything... I "saw" things more clearly.... as if I,
too, was looking at something for the last time.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I encouraged my mother's phenomena and stressed the importance
of the other caregivers aroubnd her NOT to change the course of
conversation or redirect my mother's attentions away from the path
her thoughts took.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
IN 1991 I suffered what I thought was a heart attack. I was out of
state and not with anyone who really knew me. As I lay in the ER
by melself hooked up to machines I felt fear... again that small
voice inside me gently scolded me 'ARE YOU GOING TO RUSH THROUGH
YOUR DEATH AS YOU HAVE RUSHED THROUGH YOUR LIFE UP TO THIS POINT?"
I immediately slowed down my breathing and focused on meeting the
regularity of my breath with the monitors... I became very relaxed
and felt my body become lighter; balloon like; I "lfited" from the
bed as slowly rose to the ceiling, lightly bumping my nose against
the ceiling tiles of the room above me ( much like a balloon does)
... I remember giggling like a small child each time my nose brushed
against the roughness of the ceiling tiles...I heard voices in
the distance, but felt no pain.
In 2000 I was hit head on by
a drunk driver... there was silence after the crash until someone
(male) came to my door and told me I had to get out of the car.
I ultimately did, although I rememebr feeling like my body wouldn't
move; After getting out of the car I truned and exclaimed " Look at
my car"; the man gently but firmly told me I had to get out of the
road becasue there would be another car coming... some how I managed
to get to the side of the road and laid down under what I thought
was a shade tree in a small glade.... the next thing I remember
was speaking to my passenger who was also laying next to me..... I
turned my head to the side and saw the paramedicas working on a
young man from the other vehicle... he was very still and bloody;
there was something odd about his car; then I noticed the car hadbeen
cut in two; he was in the back seeat but there wasn;t anything in
frontof him... I watched his eyes try to focus and then I saw them
grow dimmer. Then I felt someone open my shirt, I looked up into
the blue eyes of a fireman... he opened his black coat to shelter
me from the rain that had started to fall. He smiled doen at me,
then I felt the crushing pain of my injuries slamm into my body.
I later learned theere had not been another person on site at the
accident before the fire dept arrived.. The man who had heloed me
out of my car " wasn't real".
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
GENERALLY I've found that as soon as I have identified "unresolved"
matters of this nature; I am assured fromthe other side that,
depending on its nature, the "offense" is generally percieved
as unimportant to the "deceased" person.... for some of the more
serious issues, I am generally gifted with some new awareness.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I have discussed an example of this above.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i WAS driving down a familar road on my way to visit my mother
some 3 hrs away... she was failing and the dr had told me she had
begun to slide. Anyway, as I drove down the road I "drove into
the visition"... I saw a yellow painted cinder block built hospital
room with my mother half sitting up in bed; the room was dimmly lit
with a small down light coming from a lamo just above mom's head.
Shee seemed to be sleeping. Just as soon as my mind grasped that
picture, the "camera" panned back and expanded my view... I saw
myself, stting in a chair beside mon's bedside, I had laid my head
down on her bed and had fallen asleep laying on my arms as the
streeched out across the bed. Then again, as before, the picture
"moved back" and widen my view... I then saw my mother standing
behind me saddly watching the scene I described earlier... behind
my mother was her mother... my grandmther had her hand on my
mother's shoulder in comfort. I "heard" grandmother say "She'll
be all right ( meaning me)' my mother seemed to take comfort in
those words and somewhat relaxed... then, in my awareness,I drove
OUT of the vision and continued down the road to visit my mother.
I took this vision to heart and it seemed to quiet my sense of
panic and urgency as I drove to my mother. I finally reached the
cottage-type hospitalmom had been taken to; the nurse showed me the
way to her room.... it was a yellow painted, cinder block built
room, dimly lit with a small light just above my mother's head.
I felt surrounded by support and knew, once again, there was much
more to life and death than what traditional religion preached
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have created this for me and asked my spouse to do the same
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
This happens often; I have mixed feelings of relief and panci
followed by an acceptance of inevitability (sp)
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
perhaps later; I have thoght of this, but this questionnaire is
tiring.. valuable but tiring. I wish I could stop and come back
to it later.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
My mother took momths to pass, slipping further down each day.
One night I spent the evening with friends at a spiritual retreat,
on the way home I found myslef tking a way home I had not taken
beofre... I pretty much knew where os road went so I wasn;t
concerned... I foundmyself at a bookstore, they had a signifficant
CD collecttion. I spent 3 hrs there in the new age section listening
to various tracks; I purchase several, including a CD of chants in
sanskrit and hebrew concerning the clearing of the 7 chakras... it
was magical. As I continued on my way home I felt led in some way;
several miles later I found the need to purchase some pillar candles;
soon there was a department store, I pulled in. Once inside, I found
a sale on a box of 4 pillar candles; I bought 8 boxes and wondered
at the excitement I felt building; I was still an hr from home.
By the time I got home a full blown plan had been created... I drove
my care out back and arranged 30 pillar candles in a large circle;
I placed 2 "soldier" candles inside on eirther side of a piece of
lace I laid on the ground. I brought out a boom box and played new
drumming CD I had also bought that afternoon.... several other things
happened between this time and the time I ultimately went out into
the yard, freshly showered, lit the candles, and laid down inside
the circle to focus on my breath. I started the meditation CD (
sansskrit/hebrew) and sang along .... a series of natural events
occured during this time leading up to the event that happened
at the same time the 7th chakra chant finished and I was in the
process of declaring the space around me as holy ground. I live
rurally, an open hay field is adjacent from my property; the field
is surrounded by dense trees; before the trees lies open water.
The wind came up in the distance, it was pitch dark out except
for the light of the candles; I heard the sound of the wind int he
trees, then heard it change its sounbd as it hit the hay and build
in rustling as it moved across the field towards where I now knelt
in the middle of the circle. I turned my face towards the sound,
heard the wind's sound change again....as it hit the driveway,
then the rock wall and made its way across the remaining 400 yds
to where I knelt, my arms now flung back, my head tipped back as
the wind finally engulfed me, moved over me and then off into the
woods behind me. Then, once again, it was silent. The music had
stopped, the woods were quiet... it took several moments for me
to manage to get up and walk back into the house; when I finally
noticed the answering machine I found 2 messages.. the first from
my mother's nurse asking me to call; the second from my brother
telling me of my mother's passing... While these events occurred
(and others not described here) my mother passed into the next life.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
frankly, after copleteing this questionnaire, I am too tired;
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Absolutely....
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Dissociation
I rememebr crouching by him, he was a young, black, airman from
the neighboring Air Force Base. I remember the horse shoe crabs
and the smell of the mucky shire. He looked like he was asleep;
I wasn;t scaed until my mother screamed from the embankment .. she
had come looking for me. I don't know how long I was alone with
the young man's body.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
My mother was mentally ill and both my parents were racial bigots;
after fraking out initially, my mother never spoke of the young
man again. No one did really.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
discussed earlier
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This is an extremely valuable tool... I was drawn into it while
doing research on a topic that came up while viewing a TV program
on bardo. I am tired, physically, though... there are areas in ehoch
I wish I had more physical energy to go into greater detail... other
questions where I amswered with one person in mind and then wished
I could go back and write another response concerning the death of
another loved one. Thank you for creating this vehicle, you've
made me think; re-remember emotions and events in a different light.
I hope my thoghts/words are helpful in your project as well/
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Mon Sep 24 14:51:41 2007
M50 ish in starcross, devon =england=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
couriosity
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Prof/Studies: ex train driver
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More personal info:
help each other
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
if
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
rudyard kipling
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 44 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: .
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--Death Is:
a natural phenomia
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
on my own aged 7
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
calling my mother down stairs because something was wrong with my
dad and she called the milkman into the house and i got sent into
the kitchen
--What I think my (england) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that is a natural event and fearing death i think i worst than
death its self
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my mother, my father who i cannot remember very well and my family
and friends
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i think being 7 yaers old i had no real concept of death
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my mothers loss
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to tell them of all the friends and family they are going to meet
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
carried on with my own life
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i do now think things are clear and understandable
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
never had that urge
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spent more time with my children
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
learn from life, some people are so so much worse of than me,
and im thankful i have learned that
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i was born
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
money status
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hope i have done well for my family
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i think we will all be together in another time / dimension
this
is one moment in time how do you equeat time
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i dont think there is fair or unfair in life i think its what you
make of life
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
i dont find life so difficult im just glad im alive
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
hope all the pain and suffering was over
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
cannot comment had no experience
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no ex
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i am not a church goer but i believe in a higher spirit of some kind
--Religious Affiliation:
beliver in a higher sprit
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that we are all born of one and no matter what we expeirence here
on earth we will at sometime all unite
--Regarding MONEY:
my mother wored harder to keep me
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
support because we have all been there and we will all be going
there but on the otherside of the curtain
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
dont really know
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
think of family past and family to come a part of you has exsisted
and will continue to exsist when you are no longer on this plane
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
they were there at sometime we will meet again
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i belive my mother and father are now as one on the other side
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
a feeling of peace tranquillity and loss of the fear of death because
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
resolved
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
loved you then love you now
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
real clarity but i think it more in the terms of a higher presence
that my parents are ok but the being/ presence is telling me this
not my parents
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i want to die with dignity i was not given a choice about being
born but i want to choose how and when to die if possible
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
diffine soon ????????? we will all die someday treat people well
now because no one knows what is after death
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
wished the best to all mankind ......please lets learn from history.s
mistakes and all live as brothers
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
thought i was in a dark room and asked the higher presence /being
whatever to turn on the light to let me see around me and he did
.i liked what i saw
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
live each day as it comes try help others ...if we can do things
to help others then let us
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
not really
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
not really applicable
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
no its not helped me but i hope it helps others
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
i dont know but i had a really really strong sense of deja vu
fillng in this
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Thu Sep 27 11:51:04 2007
F25 in tel aviv =israel=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: philosophy student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
the book of life and death, buddhism studies, islam religion,
jewish religion, greek philisophy, simon weill (love and affliction)
and more!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
--Details:
not somone specific, all the energies.
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--Death Is:
when our bosy cant keep the soul inside no more because te human
body is too fragile for a long time. so one day the soul separate
from the body and this is death but it is only a stop in our soul
way and the only one level in our life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
though i was dreaming
--That first time, how it happened was
since I was a young girl I could see and feel energies around me
of the dead.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everybody went back to their lifes a few days after.
--What I think my (israel) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that they have to question themself what they know about it,
and why there is so much ignorancy and fear from it whan it is a
natural thing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that people stopped they daily life and thought.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
reading information
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
accepting it with a true hart
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
you dont have to deal with death you have to understand it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Sensitivities
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Thu Oct 25 15:55:41 2007
F62 in =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Surviving the death of an adult sibling
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Wray
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 6 Months ago.
Cause of Death: COPD; Aged: 65.
--Details:
Sister died 4 months ago aged 66
Brother in law died 41/2 months
ago aged 72
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--Death Is:
the time when the body can no longer hold life. This can be because
of illness or injury
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was upset and told to be quiet - mother did not agree with tears
as an appropriate response
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
physical pain, emotional numbness and sense of abandonment
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to provide ways to talk about the feelings involved.
'Being there' for the bereaved.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Mostly dealt with it alone - no one else in community knew my
siblings. One friend is a minister and has been helpful and
supportive
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
having little opportunity to talk about my siblings and their role
in my life before their deaths
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
outside my life experience
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I was unable to grieve adequately as my sister and brother inlaw
died very soon after. i already understood the importance of being
there for others - I wish they had been there for me
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
no one came to offer sympathy or sent cards - the funerals were on
another continent
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
my emotions were sometimes 'all over the map' and unpredictable
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have been with them as they died and to have had sufficient funds
to attend all three funerals
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
provide some support for my niece and nephews - by phone and email
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I don't think I'm over it - these deaths were onlly four and six
months ago
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't dream
We didn't live together - I am in Canada - they
lived in the UK
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my only brother and sister should die so close together - and
having my brother in law also die around the same time was added pain
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
curl up somewhere until I felt better
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
froze up inside and stayed that way for a couple of weeks. Once
I was starting to really feel the pain I heard about my sister's
death then my brother in law's - and I froze up all over again
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
?
they did what they could - all these deaths were from COPD =
and that is likely what I will die of
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no hospice = just ICU
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A friend who is a minister was(is) useful and supportive. I don't
have a church affiliation
--Religious Affiliation:
basically Christian - not a formal member of any group
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
accurate
--Regarding MONEY:
Niece and nephews inherited
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
wasn't there = couldn't afford it
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
feeling as if my history had been stolen
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I wasn't there
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
not applicable
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I'll talk to friend and write letters to the dead family members
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have told spouse, adult kids and primary care doctor that there
is to be venting - I'd prefer to die more quickly than my brother
and sister
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I assume that I will die at a similar age to my brother and sister
as I have the same disease. My spouse and adult children refuse
to acknowledge this possiblity of an early death
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
it would give the basics - where born, to whom, predeceased by,
survived by, and a summary of my life and activities
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
lighting candle of remembrance
writing in journal
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
still doing the above - it has only been a few months since they died
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
journalling, talking with minister friend
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Another Death
lost my brother, sister and brother in law in less than three months
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I was able to spend time on the phone and by email with my niece
and nephews.
I'd have given my eye teeth for some reaching out
by those around me. This was the hardest thing I have ever been
faced with - and hardly any support or empathy came my way
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think I'd thought about a lot of this stuff already
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Mon Oct 1 08:32:56 2007
F54 in Des Plaies, Illinois =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: Part time retail/ caregiver to grandchildren
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 2 Weeks ago.
Cause of Death: complications from surgery,; Aged: .
--Details:
My sister has had multiple sclerosis for 33 years. She has
suffered through many surgeries and treatments, but always fought
her way back. All complications came from the hospital environment
(infections, ARDS ) Hard to understand and accept
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Leaving behind the shell of a body that God has given us and moving
on to Heaven as a spirit. Where there is no sickness or sadness
or suffering anymore.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was about 16, and it was a suicide, it was very scary to me
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The peace everyone felt for my sister, but the sadness we all felt
for ourselves
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to talk about it, and to acknowledge it when it is happening
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
There is definitely a peace that comes with death
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My friends and family's support
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
giving the person permission to leave when they are in a comatose
state
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Always explaing to the person what is going on. Nurses and Drs come
in and out of the room, some are very compassionate and explaine
what they are doing. Others come and go, do their thing and leave,
never speaking to the patient. Also to give them persmission to
end the fight for life if it is too painful for them. If you love
someone, you must let them go when the time is right.
Remember a
big part of fear is "the unknown" when people really know what is
going on, they an accept it and move on.
--[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was really able to give her permission to go and not ask her to
keep on fighting for my own selfish reasons
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when someone dies, is their spirit immediately gone, or does it
linger for a few minutes or a few hours?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I do not and never did understand that urge to laugh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
really have a last conversation with my sister when she was awake
and I knew for sure she could hear me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with my sister and so was the rest of my family. I really hope
it helped her with any fear she may have been harboring
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
anyone extends condolences, it is hard to talk about it. It has
only been a few weeks since my sister died, but I still have problems
talking about my mother (14 yrs) and father's death (5yrs)
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when someone comes through a surgery fine, then develops problems and
goes on to suffer for 1,2 3, 10 weeks, struggling to live and then
dies anyways. Why didn't death occur sooner if it was inevitable
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back the clock and revisit the time before death, knowing
what was approaching
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
disbelief is always my first reaction
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
this is a mied feeling. I am grateful that the medical community
are cpable of making people comfortable. On the other hand, some of
the medical community treat death as an everyday event. I realize
they see alot of death, but the family who is dealing with it at
the time many times has never dealt with anything like it before.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I have never dealt with hospice, but I have never heard anything
negative about hospice experiences
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything in the world, our Pastor from our church was present
and reassuring my sister about her transistion from life to Heaven.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am Lutheran
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was a beautiful CELEBRATION of my sister's life, not a morning
of her death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
to know that death is emminent.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I wanted to touch my sister and let her know I was there for her
every step of the way.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have read about this before, and I truly believe that the dying
person is helped/escorted by loved ones that have passed before.
However, I have never felt or seen any presence in the room.
I was in the room when my mother and when my sister passed.
I truly was looking around for a sign and saw nothing
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have never experienced anything like this. however after my
mother and father passed, my fear of death significantly diminished.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel very honored to have been able to take care of my sister for
so long. I am sorry about a few incidental things along the way.
But nothing major. I am satisfied that I loved her and she loved me.
She would have done the same for me had the tables been turned.
We often broke out into the song "sister's, there were never such
devoted sister's" and we meant it.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
One thing I would like to do is to tell my sister how proud I was
of her. Every adverse situation she was ever in, she seemed to
work through it with her humor and wit. I really don't know how
she did that. I am afraid if I had been in her place, I might
have become a bitter, feel sorry for myself kind of person.
She
was an amazing person and I am not sure if she knew it.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Many people have talked to me about all of these visits and dreams.
Sometimes I am jealous. I have tried so hard to dream about spending
time with my loved ones, to no avail.
I just received a very
disturbing call from one of my sister's best friends. She told me
she had a dream about my sister and they ran towards each other and
cried and hugged. My sister told her how afraid she was. I am
hoping the fear came from confusion at the time of passing for her.
I am also praying her spirit is settled now and that she has no fear.
I do think about this all the time. I do not want my sister to
be fearful.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Everyone should have documented a living will and give someone
who shares your beliefs the power of medical attorney. Also talk
about funeral arrangements and what your personal wishes are.
But most of all tell people not to grieve for you but to celebrate
your life. When I was a pre teen I found the following poem in my
great grandmother's Bible. I immediately memorized it and have had
it in my heart for 40 years. I want it printed on my funeral mass
card
When I am gone and buried deep,
I hope you won't lose any
sleep.
I hope you won'g give way to tears
Or fill with grief your
many years.
For to be sad would be a shame,
Live, Love and Laugh,
I'd do the same.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope that I live the good life. I know that Christ is my Savior
and I know someday I will join all my loved ones
when the time is
right....and I will be ready
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Today Laurie Malmberg, loving wife, mother, grandmother and friend
to many passed. She lived her life the best way she knew how.
Helping others in need was the most pleasurable thing she did.
She has gone on to be with Jesus and all of her relatives and
friends who have passed before her. She will pray for us all daily.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Just quiet meditation times. But I also spend time talking to my
sister and praying for her daily. I let her know I am happy she
is whole and happy, but i have a very large hole in my heart.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
My sister hs been sick for 33 years. She did whatever she had to do,
to be the best that she could be at that time. She enjoyed life,
in spite of her disabilities. It has taught me not to take ANYTHING
for granite. To stop and smell all of the roses
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I definitely have. All of my sister's good friends who I did not
know that well will be lifelong friends to me. We have made plans
to get together on a regular basis. Also a few of her caregivers
have been checking up on me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Inside, I was screaming with grief over the death of my sister.
On the outside, I was trying to calm down my children and
grandchildren and tell them (Aunt) Linda was in a better place,
free of pain. I tried to reassure her friends and the rest of
my familyn that she would always be in our hearts. My sister
went through many stages during her disease. about 5 years ago
she had both legs amputated because of infection in the bones.
The small children asked where her legs were. My sister told
them her legs were in Heaven. Thank goodness that answer was
enough for them. So when we told them Aunt Linda was in Heaven,
my 8 year old granddaughter's quick respones was
"oh good, she's
got her legs back" That reminded us all that my sister was whole
again and at peace forever.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It really has helped me to express my feelings about how I felt
without worrying about what anybody else's reaction would be
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See Sep 07 contributions.
See Aug 07 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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