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See Current contributions.
See Feb 07 contributions.
See Jan 07 contributions.
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Sat Mar 31 00:09:52 2007
F24 in Gold Coast, Queensland =Australia=
Name: Gretel Lamb
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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More personal info:
I would REALLY like to hear from people who have lost someone they
love. I am in desperate need of friends who understand what I am
going through.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
A Grace Disguised, Bono on Bono
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5 Months ago.
Cause of Death: Lung Cancer; Aged: 60.
--Details:
Mum was diognosed with cancer a few years ago. She went into
remission but when the cancer returned it was really sudden. One
minute my siblings and I were being given 6-8 weeks, 10 days later
she was gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
For me the answer to that question directly relates to one's
belief in God. The Bible promises that for those who believe in
Jesus and accept him as their Lord and Saviour they will have
eternal life. Therefore for them death is not the end - It is the
beginning of life far greater than anything they have experienced
previously. But for those who choose to reject God death is a
gateway to torment worse than anything we could imagine.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
have little recollection of early experiences with death. However I
was present when my mum died and this was my first experience with
witnessing a death. My mum was very unwell at this stage. She had
just been moved from the hospital to palative care (the beginning of
the end) that afternoon. I was staying with her that night because
we weren't sure if she would make it to see another day. At around
2am I got into my pj's and lay down in the futon in her room to get
some rest. I dozed fitfully, but every time I couldn't hear my mum
breathing I would wake with a start, afraid she was gone. At around
4am she woke and sat up in bed. She was very unsettled until I put
the radio on for her (at her request) - 96.5FM Family Radio. This was
my mum's favourite station and for as long as I remember she would
wake in those early morning hours to listen to her music while she
enjoyed her coffee and a cigarette. Sometime aound 4:30am she started
having difficulty breathing and in a matter of minutes she was gone.
--That first time, how it happened was
I don't remember much. My grandad (my mother's stepdad) died when
I was around 4 or 5. He had cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I remember the feeling of helplessness when my mum was saying "Help
me" and the nurses weren't there yet and I didn't know what to
do. I remember the sound of her breathing - gurgling like she was
drowning in the fluid in her lungs. And finally I remember sitting
with her in her final moments. She - quiet. Me - watchful. Stroking
her hair, her arm, holding her hand till their was no breath left
in her and her skin began to turn cold. Shaking. But feeling peace,
awe, God's presence. One minute my mum was there, next minute she
was clearly gone - somewhere else.
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is, for the most part, shut away behind closed doors. It was
hard seeing my mum die, but I made the choice to be there and it's
a choice I don't regret. Death is not the enemy, not really. It is
as miraculous as birth.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Aside from all the stuff I've already written about I shall always
be grateful for the many messages of love I recieved in the days
and weeks after mum's death. And for God's constant presence, even
in the middle of the night when grief and memories seem too much. I
treated God terribly in the year before mum died, and even now I
struggle to get back to where I was in my relationship with him,
but He has never left me alone or withdrawn his love from me -
for that I am greatful.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I guess I'm still looking for support. I have been stuggling these
past couple months and I don't know who to talk to (or even if I
want to talk). One thing I have found helpful is reading up about
dealing with grief and reading about other peoples experiences. This
is the first time I have shared in a long time, but i feel I want
to give back a little of what has been given to me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Realizing that there are no more tomorrows with mum. No more
chances at a better relationship. No "mother of the bride" when
I get married. No grandma at the birth of my first child. No more
opportunities to talk or as questions. Having to tell people "My
mum died" and dealing with their reactions.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I read a poem at mum's funeral called "The Last Time" and that sums
up this answer...
If I knew it would be the last time
That I~Rd
see you fall asleep
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the
Lord, your soul to keep
If I knew it would be the last time
That
I~Rd see you walk out the door
I would give you a hug and a kiss
and call you back for one more
If I knew it would be the last
time
I~Rd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape
each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW
I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to
share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can
let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say
our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and
today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope
we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or
old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your
loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do
it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the
day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug,
or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out
to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and
that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow
never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Don't assume you know (from previous experience) the path that grief
will take. Every death is both common and unique. You can never
tell where grief may take you from one moment to the next. You
just have to be flexible and to know that even when it seems to
overwhelm you beyond your ability to cope you WILL get through this.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
At mum's funeral I opened my sharing with the quote "Don't cry
because it's over, smile because it happened" At the time of mum's
death and in the weeks that followed I survived by remembering good
things and laughing at the ironic. Some of the many ironic occurances
surrounding mum's death include:
- Mum being buried in the cemetry
next to the football club she spent hours at playing the pokies.
-
Following one of mum's ex boyfriends onto the highway when we were
on our way to the funeral.
- Getting stuck in traffic right behind
mum's herse ON THE WAY TO THE FUNERAL!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Listen more, talk more, share more, smile more, love more,
learn more.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Hug my mum the afternoon before she died and tell her I love her. It
was the clearest conversation I had shared with her in months and
I was glad to have a proper "Goodbye" to look back on.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I took home a clipping of mum's hair. Thinking about it later
I realised that our dna (or who we are as seperate from everyone
else in the world) can still be detected by a strand of hair long
after it has left the body. So in a sense, though mum is gone,
a piece of her remains with me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I thought that I would NEED someone to hold me while I cried. Turns
out, I was quite content to be on my own, even prefering it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It's just not fair that I'm only 24 and I'm already motherless. It's
not fair that my children will never get a chance to meet their
grandma (though I have 7 nieces and nephews who had that experience).
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Get away.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I saw my mum die so interlectually in hit me only minutes after the
nurse promounced it. However, emotionally it has taken me months
to shake the shock and to face the ramifications this death brings
to my life. In some ways, perhaps I'm still not quite there yet...
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I don't know
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have though about my own death but not recently. Right now it's
enough to deal with the business of living... Though if I could
say one thing it's that I would like to plan my own funeral so
that my loved one's don't have to stuggle with the questions of
what I wanted.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have found (surprisingly for me as i have never before put much
value into this) that visiting mum's grave often has become a
personal coping ritual. As has visiting her favourite places or
places that hold memories of mum.
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How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I had the unique experience of having two of my close friends lose
a parent around the same time as my mum's death (one weeks before
and the other a month after). My best advice is to just be there
and to do whatever they ask. If it's space, give them space (but
remember to keep nearby should they need you), if it's practical
help do it (even at the risk of exposing your own grief). I sang
at my friend's dad's funeral less than 2 months after my mum's. I
did it because he asked me and while I thought it would be one of
the hardest days of my life the reality turned out to be one of the
best. I was so glad I could be there for my friend the way that he
was there for me when my mum died.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I have not had any formal counselling. This questionare has helped
me to think about a lot of issues surrounding mum's death.
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Mon Mar 19 14:03:00 2007
F53 in St Petersburg, = ?? =
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
looking for Songyal Rinpoche
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 11 Months ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack conplications; Aged: 86.
--Details:
She was the 5th person close to me to die. I had a month to accept
the fact she was going to die soon, that made it easier. Being
able to say goodbye slowly was hard at the time, but something I
am grateful for. My grandmother's loss was sudden, and extremely
painful, as I had no idea how to grieve. My Mother passed at a
Hospice, they have been very helpful with counseling.
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--Death Is:
the cessation of our existence here on earth. We stop
breathing,functioning and begin to decay.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
could not accept it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My sister and brother and I have gotten along very well in relation
to my Mother's death. We have our own ways of grieving, but our
families have bonded because of this.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
to emphasize life is only over here on earth.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
holding my mother's hand for hours in the hospita. Spending every
moment I could with her at the end.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Spending a great deal of time with my siblings going through my
parents things, cleaning out their house.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing my Mom every day
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
give some thought to what the dying person says, requests, or
does. They may be trying to let you know they "know" what is going
on and accept it, or don't accept it. Use their belief system to
comfort them.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
if some one is scared stay with them, or have someone else stay
with them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The medical professionals were not as clear as they could have been
on her time left.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it's very important to laugh at our human condition. Death will
come to all, rich & poor, kind & cruel, pretty & homely....
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
rub her back again.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend as much time as I did with her in the hospital/hospice.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Mom didn't want to take the plants/ flowers to hospice from the
hospital. She was trying to separate herself from the world.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Family tried to make mom do "healthy" things like eating, when it
really wasn't important anymore.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I do something that I would have taken her along to enjoy with me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Mom's life would have gotten more difficult and more painful as
she was not enjoying life like she used to. She really wanted to
die before she had to go to a nursing home, and she did.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Nurses are so understaffed at the local hospital it is a wonder
anyone survives in a general ward. It is essential that someone be
with you in the hospital if you are out of it.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They were a real blessing. Though it was still necessary to stay
with someone at their bedside for the best care. They responded to
every request and every question.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
comfort for my mother. The ritual was good for me just because I
knew she would like it.
--Religious Affiliation:
Raised catholic. Unsure now.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
a lot more enlightened. I have a harder and harder time subscribing
to western religions that are so closed to any ideaology but their
own. God is bigger than any one religion.
--Regarding MONEY:
The understaffing at the hospital was the biggest money issue. And
other family having to go to work for money and not spend time
with Mom.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
She had made prearrangements. So it was relatively easy.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
That some family did not come to the funeral. Or some that did
come did not spend time with family after the funeral, at the house.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
don't be afraid to be open with the dying person.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
occasionally I have felt I recieved a "sign" from family that has
passed. The grandmother I was so upset about losing as a child,
I felt she watched over me for many years after. But I have not
had any distinct feelings like that about my Mom.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Good, I did almost everything I could.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I am ok with things as they are.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Nothing.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
To make my wishes known to my family. Get legal documents to see
they are carried out.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would probably read up on eastern religion, I think they may have
an approach I would agree with toward death. I believe we go on in
spirit somehow.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
That I was kind and gererous, loved my family and friends above all.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Praying the rosary, which is something Mom would have done.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
None.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I went to hospice grieving but the ladies there had such different
circumstances I had a hard time relating to them.
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How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
No adult recognized how difficult it was for me.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
More time with my sister. She is too busy helping alcoholics anonymos
folks to see I need her too.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Just a little space to think and vent. see previous box
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
It's ok.
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Fri Mar 16 11:10:47 2007
F18 in Hesperia, ca =us=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: early to mid 60s.
--Details:
His death was the second monumental death in my life. It was a
whole different experience than that of my grandmother. It was
different because I was a lot older and because of how he died. He
was diagnosed with cancer two years before he died. The cancer spread
throughout his body as it slowly killed him. This death was very hard
on my whole family. This experience has led me to fear cancer. It
is by far the last thing i ever want to personally experience.
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--Death Is:
when what must happen to every being on earth. It's the end. There is
a beginning which is being born. then there is an end which is death.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused and cried.
--That first time, how it happened was
The first death that i experienced was that or my grandmother. i
was very close to her so i didn't take it very well. To this day
i am not exactly sure what the cause of her death was. When i ask
my father he tells me she just didn't take care of herself. she was
overweight so i am guessing it had to do with high cholesterol/blood
pressure or things of that nature. I dont remember every detail
because i was so young (about 5 years old). All i remember was
crying because she was very sick and in the hospital. The next
thing I knew she was gone. The funeral was difficult because she
was the first dead person i had ever seen.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how dysfunctional my family became after the death of my
grandfather. There were arguments and members of the family disowning
each other. We pretty much got over it but it was bad for a while.
--What I think my (us) culture needs to better learn about death is:
i'm not sure
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the death of jesus
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i think time was the thing that helped me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing how it affected everyone around you
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
making them as comfortable as possible.
--[My Unknown Person's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
eventually got over it and that life does go on.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
there are a lot of things in death that are confusing. one often
asks why. That question is not always answered.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i never experienced that
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
there is nothing i would've or even have had the control to change.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend the time with them and create the memories i have of them.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
sometimes something reminds me of a loved one that passed away and
i begin to get teary-eyed. it used to happen more frequently but
it doesnt so much anymore. it actually started to happen at the
bigginging of this questionare.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i think that thought comes up more when an innocent child is hit
by a drunk driver or rapped and killed. i quess someone can also
say that if a dear loved one dies and they feel abandoned
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
its not all that difficult anymore
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
"whoa" i couldn't believe it
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
my grandfather lived at the home of one of my aunts instead of a
hospice. i am glad because i think that wouldve been depressing
to visit.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that i always had someone with me even when i felt more alone
than ever
--Regarding MONEY:
money wasnt an issue cause neither one of my grandparents had
any. if they did it probably would've just caused more drama.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the mood.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
everything changes.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was very difficult. death is never easy. but time made it better.
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How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
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Tue Mar 13 15:15:27 2007
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 25 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Suicide; Aged: 29.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Mother commited suicide when I was 8
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How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Alcohol
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
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Sat Mar 10 08:35:58 2007
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 Months ago.
Cause of Death: delerium trmours; Aged: 40.
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--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i never knew that by going to a doctor, for treatment, a person
can die
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
meet him once on the last day, take him out of the hospital as per
his wish
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
he had nobody in this world to care for him. so god took him
--Religious Affiliation:
hinduism
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How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
be compassionate, talk and console people who are grieving
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
pain and guilt
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Thu Mar 8 14:55:03 2007
F52 in Bloomingburg, New York =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
After having a conversation with my acupuncurist about the bardo,
I searched Google for more information
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Prof/Studies: art teacher, piano teacher, aikido teacher
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Island
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Aldous Huxley
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 1/2 Weeks ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 82.
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--Death Is:
the spirit passing on from an earthly existance to become part
of god.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 13, and not very affected by it (a great uncle). My grandmother
died a few years later, and although I missed her, I accepted it
as a natural part of life.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
a feeling of peace and, although sad to see my mother leave my life,
a sense of beauty and completeness.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to be able to accept it as a natural part of life. Most people in
this culture don't like to think or talk about death. I feel that
they are afraid of death (their own), and are afraid to "loose"
a loved one, and generally skirt the topic, rather than talk about
it. Perhaps if there were more of a dialogue on death and dying
in general, it may be easier for people to deal with the emotional
and spiritual aspects of dying.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the love and support of close friends and some relatives, including
the person that was dying of cancer. My mother, the one who died,
was not afraid of death, and did not feel sorry for herself. Her
attitide helped tremendously.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing others have a difficult time with it. It was a sad time for
all, myself included, but most of my tears were for the pain and
loss that others were feeling.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to try not to force it - just akkow the person dying to do it at
his/her own pace and method.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
and my family came together. We gathered together from all of our
different locations (some close. some near), and lifestyles. We
were focused on helping mom and each other, and put our differences
aside for this end. We grew as a family in ways that I never thought
possible, and we are closer because of it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it seemed as if my mother was minutes away from death, and then she
would rally the next day. She had renewed strenght (relatively)
that would kast for a few days, and then she would get close to
death again. This happened 3 or 4 times. The attending nurse told
us that even though mom was ready to die, her body and spirit wasn't
ready yet. When it was time, she will go.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is quite nattural. Laughing and crying are opposite sides of
the same coin. The harder you cry, the harder you laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to tell my mother that I loved her more often.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for her and help her.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that this was a tragedy or an injustice of life.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I still get teary-eyed. I'm floored by all of the love and support
that was given to me. What also makes me emotional is when I think
about how selfless my mother was. It is something that every mother
does, and it is a thing of beauty.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
disbelief.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
a community that is mostly filled with very caring people.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
that the people who care for the dying are a special group of
people. They are strong for the patient and the family, even though
many of them have experience with loosing loved ones to cancer. It
takes a special person to work with hospice.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
very little. My mother was a Protestant that rarely went to
church. She made her peace with God on her own terms. Our large
family has varrying views on organized religion. For some, it is a
source of comfort. For others organized religion is a man-made tool
to explain the mysteries of god, life, creation, and the hereafter,
and is not applicable because spirituality is a very personal thing.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was broought up Roman Catholic - complete with Catholic School. It
was forced upon us by our father, with the notion that we would
learn to love it. I was 13 when I realized that the rules and
sacraments of the church were man-made, and often hypocritical. I
seem to prefer a "church" and a "religion" that is universal and
encompasses ALL people. God's "church" is everywhere, and no great
cathedral, mosque or temple can rival the beauty and spirituality
that is found in nature. Therefore, one needs not to be in a
man-made church, reciting man-made prayers in order to feel as one
with god. Organized religions are based on local culture. They all
say the same things, but in different ways. I belive in ALL of them,
and at the same time in NONE of them. To each his own.
--Regarding MONEY:
it didn't matter.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was a way for everyone to come together to mourn the loss of my
mother, and at the same time to celebrate her life and her essense.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
it seemed as if my mother was experiencing these things when ever
she came close to death.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
For the most part, I feel that I've made my peace with my mother. I
feel that she can still connect with me and my family, and I
sometimes talk to her.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I hope that my mother's passing is a peaceful one, and I wish her
a safe and peaceful passage to her new life.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I can feel my mother's presense from time to time for the first
week after she died. I have prolific dreams about the process not
being completed yet.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
In addition to the above, I would like to be cremated without
ceremony, and my ashes used as fertilizer for a tree of some sort. I
do not want to be in a funeral home, nor do I want a memorial. Just
carry on, and live each day as it were your last.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I feel that it is much easier for me to accept my own death that
it is to accept the death of some one close to me.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
If I were to write my own obit - it wouldn't contain much. All of
my earthly accomplishments are really insignificant. What matters is
what is in my heart. If I were to write a "last statement", I would
tell my loved ones to be happy for me - I am in a good place. Then
I would direct them to have a big kick-ass party to celebrate life.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I try to stay "in the moment". I am more reflective that I was
before this experience.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I feel now that the little things in life that bother me are
insignificant. They don't matter to me so much because this dying
process has brought out to me what is really important in life.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I'm closer to my brothers and sisters than I was before.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
There were several things that helped me deal with the dying and
death of my mother. I have intersted in zen and the tao for a
number of years, and have been practicing these priciples via Tai
Chi, Chi Kung, and Aikido training. Both the philosophy and its
practical application helped me. My family stuck together like
glue through the dying process, and it was heplful to me that we
all put our petty differences and lifestyle differences aside for
a common cause. Also what helped were frank conversations with
my acupuncurist (who is a Budhist), and some close friends in the
martial art communuty (one is a Buddhist and a psychologist). What
also helped tremendously was my mother's attitude. She accepted
her death, never felt sorry for herself, and dealt with the dying
process with grace and humor. She made it easy for me and my family.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
I had some difficulty in the beginning, when the metastised cancer
had been detected. Although she accepted it as a part of life
and didn't feel sorry for herself, I felt bad for her. I was also
angry at the health care system, because I felt there was so much
time wasted scheduling tests and in receiveing their results. I
eventuall came to terms with it, even though I still feel that the
health care system opperates dysfunctionally.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
One of my siblongs is having a difficult time coming to terms
with mom's death. I'm not sure how and if I should reach out to
her. I'm afraid that whatever I say to help her may come off as
either preachy or condescending. The only thought I have on how to
help this person is to let her show me the way.
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See Feb 07 contributions.
See Jan 07 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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