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See Current contributions.
See Aug 05 contributions.
See Jul 05 contributions.
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Tue Sep 27 10:20:57 2005
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 6 Years ago.
Cause of Death: massive heart attack; Aged: 78.
--Details:
He was found dead in the bathroom. He was cleaning out the bath tub,
getting ready to take his weekly Saturday afternooon bath/shower.
The water was running when he was found/
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--Death Is:
when the body ceases to function as a complete system, and stops
working.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was curious about the embalming procedure.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that the body was already decompsing at an unusually fast pace,
as the maggots/parasites became visible while the body was still
in the open-view poition in the coffin.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to prepare ourselves with the legality of death itself.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my father felt no pain, perhaps only at the final moments while
gasping for breath, but otherwise I imagine it was quick. Of that
I will never be sure, yet I do not blame myself for his demise.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the fact that the entire community was aware of his passing and
offered much support and consolation.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the aftermath. The paper work, the separation of funds, the clean
up, and the sight of the many hypocratic neighbors.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Pre-plan for the inevitable.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to handle the funeral arrangements.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my brother flew in for the occasion and couldn't wait to leave with
his "share."
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I really didn't go overboard with my emotions.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see so many of my father's friends.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my mother died. I din't cry. Not a single tear. But I did cry
when one of my friend's father passed away. I felt unusual emotion.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that we remain united as a family throughout the entire ordeal We
didn't, and that was fine with me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember my past living experiences with my Dad.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My life would be the same. It would be a better bonding opportunity
for my child.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the one person who cares for their loved one(s) is the one
that has to to do it to the final end, without the support of other
family members.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just bring my father back so that he would settle family issues
once and for all.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I should have called the night before.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
praise and respect.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Monetary obligations and traditional values & duties.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
it brought some of us together, even if it was only for the
monetary gain.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I had to do it myself.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the stress of life and medication.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Dress appropriately. Do attend the funeral wake, and send flowers.
It does matter to some when visibility of their friendship is
obviously exhibited.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I've only had one dream about my father. It was in color, and
he didn't speak to me. He just nodded. He wore his beige rain
coat, too.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I felt that I was a victim of a dysfunctional family whose hatred
for one another led to the estrangement of the children, even up
to this day.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My one dream was short and meaningful. My father seemed happy,
and that was very important to me. He was well dressed and didn't
look any different than usual.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I want to die peacefully. No pain involved. Don't feel sorry for
me. Let me go, and remember everything that I've taught you.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I've just kept up with traditional religious customs, for the sake
of my daughter.
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How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Sensitivities
I was just naive about the whole dying scenario
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Thu Sep 15 12:30:37 2005
F51 in wisconsin =US=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 33 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart surgery; Aged: 48.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of existence as we know it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was so very sad for a very, very long time. I understood what was
happening, but that was little help.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Grandfather, probably my favorite and closest of my extended
family members, died of cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
wanting people to leave me alone! My father was well known in
our community, and everyone felt they had something to say about
how I should be handling his death, what I should think, where he
was.....I wanted to grieve in my own way in my own time, asking
for help from whom and when I needed it.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to hide
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the insights of an elderly pastor in my Grandmother's church...NOT
preachy or full of platitudes. Death is part of life, and here
are some alternative beliefs about what happens...
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
music
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my family's needs, the needs of the community
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
hold her hand, talk or listen or both
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be more a part of the last days (kids weren't allowed in the ICU)
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see grandchildren that never got to know their grandfather, and
the other way around. My dad would have loved having gandchildren,
and died almost 20 years before even the first one was born.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
-he did so much for so many people
-he didn't have time to retire
and play
-he didn't take enough vacations
-he didn't get to see
us grow up
-he didn't get to meet his grandchildren
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Not applicable at all
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
This has never been an issue for me. The loss and sadness about
our future together, things the person might have wanted to do that
were left undone, those are the first thoughts.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
coldness
disregard for emotional needs
a fniancial institution
pompous
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I have had no direct family experience with hospice, but have had
friends who have used their services...I have nothing but respect
and admiration for all involved
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
non-existent
--Regarding MONEY:
it was not a concern and I know that we were lucky in that regard
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the needs of the larger group overwhelmed the needs of the family
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
being sure I saw my dad walking down the street in front of me,
hearing his voice, and then realizing it couldn't be
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
make sure your friends know what you need and what you don't
need...be firm
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
none
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
no need
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
none
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
what to do with the body, burial, memorial, and how to inform the
rest of the family what is desired
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
no
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She loved people, animals, trees, sunshine and snow. Please keep
her spirit alive by doing the same.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
none
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
nnone
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
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How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
extreme sadness
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
NO!
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think I have a more "it's all a part of life" attitude than is
reflected in many of the questions.
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Wed Sep 14 19:06:12 2005
F52 in Pigeon, West Virginia =United States=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: nursing student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Holy Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Heart Failue; Aged: 71.
--Details:
He died quite suddenly and I did not have the chance to say good-bye
or tell him how much I loved him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the loss of physical life and the beginning of your soul's eternal
journey.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
grieved for some time, but I was finally able to let go and get on
with my life.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Feeling the love and support I received from family and friends.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That death is inevitable for all humans and that no one escapes
it. They better face it and learn how to deal with the fact and
learn how to help other people face it and grieve as they need to.
Death is not a dirty word.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The love of my family and freinds as I struggled to deal with
my loss.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family and church friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that my Dad was gone and that I would not get to enjoy his
love or companionship again in this life.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Learn to sit quietly and let the grieving person exprress their
grief in thier own way and in their own time. Listen and let
them cry. Don't be afraid of or uncomfortable with those tears.
They are necessary and will help them get through their pain.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to grieve, and then by holding onto precious memories,learned
to move on with my life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was first told that he had died but no one would tell me over
the phone.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
have lost my Dad and best friend
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
I am a Christian and my faith in Christ helps comfort me.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
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Thu Sep 1 03:13:38 2005
F49 in bangalore, karnataka =india=
Name: latha vidyaranya
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
was looking for info on psy tests available in india and found ur
page on death which interested me as i am a counsellor and i need
to know how to help a client deal with the issue of death.
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Prof/Studies: counsellor for emotional and psychological problems
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More personal info:
read "Katopanishath" and appreciate the courage of a 5 year old
boy who faced the LORD of DEATH at His doorstep!
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
i have not read any books on death. i am a firm believer in
experiential learning. you have to witness a death, mourn it,
and slowly get over it, to have the greatest understanding of death.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Employee, 10 Years ago.
Cause of Death: brain tumour; Aged: 23 or 24.
--Details:
he was employed by my husband in his office. he was married very
young, had a child aged 1 1/2 years and his wife was expecting their
second child. she was 5 months pregnant. we got him operated by the
best neuro surgeon, surgery went on for 18 marathon hours, i was
there with his young wife, all the time praying and reassuring her
that he would be fit and fine very soon. he was recovering well,
had started recognizing people and was able to talk in one or two
words, and was suddenly hit by brain fever and collapsed within 2
days and died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
death is the culminating event in a person's life programme after
which nothing exists. this event can happen at any stage of
life. sometimes it happens just after conception in the womb. it
can happen any time before birth, during birth or after birth at
any stage of grwoing up. it is an inevitable part of everybody's
life. no body can escape from that. there is only one way of escaping
death, ie, to realize that one was never born, this body is only
a dream-body and life is a collosal dream that can end without any
previous notice. it gives notice many a times, but humans are never
prepared to face that event, specially of self.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a kid and i was highly amused! a body covered with a white cloth
was kept in the centre of the room and everybody was crying. it
was amusing to me to see al elders, however old they were, were
all crying like small babies! i was sort of keeping a mental record
of how much each one was crying, how less did a person cry and how
much more did another cry. i was sort of keeping a score card and
sharing it with my equally young cousins! we would go out, play
and enjoy and come back to see who else had joined the crying band!
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that servant boy's death at the age of 24, happened on his
second wedding anniversary when his wife was carrying his second
child! instead of celebrating their second wedding anniversary,
here she was mourning the death of her husband and death of the
father of one child born and other child still unborn!
--What I think my (india) culture needs to better learn about death is:
our culture deals with death beautifully well. it gives everybody
their space and pace to mourn and overcome the grief while it
renders total support the grieved.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
death is a great teacher. it is a great leveller. it is a great
soother for the sufferer and pained.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my guruji's philosophical ambrosia like words.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
dealing with the grief of the closest of the dead. words fail to
offer any solace.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
philosophical words have no strength or meaning for the bereaved
at that point of time. just a hug or a pat to say how much you care
can instill that strength.
--[My friends'] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
overcame the grief slowly but surely. Time definitely heals. scars
may remain, but they may not hurt.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
aged elders have to conduct funeral for the young person of the
family. it is just terrible. and the guilt that elders feel when
they outlive the youngster!
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i did not laugh. but i was amused how some people cry aloud and
make a big scene to have a dramatic effect!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
if only the doctors had diagnosed the onset of brain fever much
earlier and suitable measures were taken!.......
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for the rest of the family to share their grief and offer
my shouldres to cry upon........ offer whatever moral and financial
help that i could render........
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
how much the doctors struggled till he breathed his last, to save
his life! hats off to their sincere efforts.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
i dont know. i cant think of any such thing.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think of the long lasting effects of death upon the bereaved. how
much they miss them at important life events of theirs. and how much
they would long for the person to come back to their lives........
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it is better not to delve into such unrealistic dreams or
expectations. it hurts you all the more when you come back to
reality with a thud!
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
the gory accident deaths - the unexpected - the vehicular accident
deaths or the natural calamities which strike suddenly and erases
the lives of thousands of people and changes or distorts the lives
of others permanently......
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
many people perhaps get ideas of ending their lives so that they
could join the dead in heaven........
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
oh, no! he/she can never again touch me, talk to me. oh, the cruel
finality of it!
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
humble salutations to them.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
service to the sufferer is truly the service we can offer to god.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
More than the religion, it has to be spirituality that truly gives
strength. the connectedness of all - the living and the dead.
--Religious Affiliation:
sanatana dharma that is now generally called hinduism.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very soothing, very invigorating.
--Regarding MONEY:
yes, religious rituals require money. if it is in shortage,
one has to have the guts to go beyond religiosity and embrace
spirituality. and at such an hour, no body need feel shy to accept
financial donations that sometimes pour in. money is nobody's. it
is HIS. it comes to my pocket today and goes to somebody else's
pocket tomorrow. it is never anybody's permanently. hence dont get
flustered because of money matters.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the collective concern of all the people who gather at a funeral
and the overwhelming feeling that so many are there for me in this
hour of grief.......
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how soon we start feeling hungry and bother about the food on the
table, forgetting the grief momentarily!
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
some one who can pray for them to reduce their pain or fear of
death. some one who can caress their head and say that God is always
protecting them and hence not to fear or not to worry.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
total surrenderance to god to lead them hence forth would relieve
so much of their burden.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
yes, my mother had started mentioning the names of her kith and
kin who were no more and she was telling us to call them in and
offer hospitality!
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
yes, i have heard people say those things like NDE. but generally
i feel they exaggerate.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
just bury the issues when that person is no longer there. come
on man, the scene is changed, you are given a new role with a new
costume and new responsibilities. play the role well and THE DIRECTOR
blesses you with peace and happiness and fulfillment in life.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i move on. i dont sit brooding about impossibilities.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i attach no significance if others report it to me. but i have
never experienced any such thing.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
if all of them willingly submit my dead body for scientific
investigations and organ donations.........
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
death is the event that extricates you with the mortal coil and
releases you into that immortality. i look forward to it.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
the nameless and the formless took up a name and a form and acted
out this drama all these days and now the show got over, the actor
has shed the name and the form and the costume and is back to its
nameless, formless, peaceful self.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
reflecting upon the death process, inquiring deeply about it, meeting
a spiritual head to air your doubts and get them clarified. i was
lucky and blessed to find my guruji at this time who transformed
me into a totally new person.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
yes, it is the vedantic view of life and death, the advaitic
perspective reinforced by shankaracharya, the view which is even
today reinforced by my spiritual head who lives in sringeri, my
guruji who is there for me always........
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes, the new direction in my life that i found, the guruji whom
the dead person seem to have set me up with.
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How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
elders took death in its stride and it helped me to follow suit.
nothing hindered. family's philosophy helped.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
my guruji reached out to me and i am ready to reach out others.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was wonderful, thought provoking experience. as a counsellor
this questtionaire is very helpful to me in resolving many of the
death related issues of my clients. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
at the end you can ask this question - "has answering these questions
made you a stronger person to face your own death squarely?"
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See Aug 05 contributions.
See Jul 05 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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