^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
See Current contributions.
See Jun 04 contributions.
See May 04 contributions.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Jul 29 22:14:21 2004
F40 in Albuquerque, New Mexico =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I was looking for support
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: complications during surgery/poor health; Aged: 76.
--Details:
it was hard to see her gone. I did get to visit her--she was in the
hosptial, but I was not told how bad it was, then I got a call from
a brother, who said she passed away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
for me death is about greiving a lose--a part of your life. Death
can be good, and can be welcomed for those who are sick, but prepared
or not losing the ones who raised you is very hard.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasnt sure what to do
--That first time, how it happened was
My mother's mom died when i was in first of second grade. I remember
how devastating it was for my mother.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
when my dad told me, after my grandmother died, "I didnt think you
care that much."
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
the psychology of death and dying...how to comfort a dying loved one.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
when I said with my grandmother all night, the last night she was
alive. I got to talk with her and I know she was hearing me. and
also that I got to talk with my mom before she died...we got to
say our good byes.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my natural mother and books.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
dealing with all the flooding memories ...and new insight recieved
from the deaths.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
no one wants to leave this earth alone.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to look at my childhood differently and to appreciate my
mother (and father). I took a long look at myself and realized that
I had wonderful parents who care for me deeply. I wish I would have
been there more for them in their last years.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my brothers, all for of them, did not say one word about my
mother after she pasted. Why did my brothers treat my mother,
their biological mother, so badly and disprectfully
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my mother when she was in the hospital, before she died
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have one last meaningful conversation with my mother, and my father,
as he is dying now.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
when preparing to show my grandmother to other friends and family
after her death, I noticed that she did not have her same glasses
on. I went to get them and she looked much better.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
my fathers feelings about losing my mother (it mattered to me,
but not to others)
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear certain songs
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would consider my parents feelings more and I would try harder
to talk with them about my feelings.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my family seemed to not think of the feelings of others.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
give up
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
OH NO>>>>MY GOD
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
...they do what they can
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
being close to god
--Religious Affiliation:
United Church of Christ
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
freeing
--Regarding MONEY:
we always seemed to have what we need.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my brothers making fun of the lady that sang at my mothers
funeral. Other wise it was good to see people I had not seen
for years.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the surrealness of it all.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
boredum for the elderly.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i need closure and want to be near my family when they are dying
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I sat with my grandmother all night before her last day. During
the night I watched her "travel" and see things. it was calming
for me, but I knew that is what she was doing--- even though she
was basically unconscious her last few days. She also took a long
look at me and I knew then that she knew I was there with her.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I do not feel that I have on going issues. I miss them, and think
about them alot, I love them and hope to see them in heaven. I
have good friends and people who care about me, I also take care
of other people and have a deeper insight that will enable me to
work with them in a more productive manner.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would say to my father, what a good father he was and that I am
glad they adopted me and raised me the way they did. I learned so
much from you dad, so much that you will never know. I know when
you pass, you will be proud of my life and of the work I do with
children and families. You will finally be able to see what I good
person I have turned out to be.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I once asked a friend who does channelling to see if she could talk
with my mother, I dont know if she did, but she felt her presence
where we were at in the mountains, from there I was able to feel
my mothers presents and then I talked with her some. She didnt
talk back.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would hope that my friends would take care of the important
decisions. I want to die with dignity and with others around.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think I might be glad to go. I tried hard to be loving and
compassionate to others and I hope that the work I have done so
far has helped others to be better people.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
gosh I dont know.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I go to my grandmothers grave site and often talk with my mother
who has pasted.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have looked back alot and wished things would have been different,
but can look to the good and have good feelings and memories of
my mother and grandmother since then have pasted. I have also been
able to forgive my self for not being more available.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes I have. I had gotten to know a older lady at work that I consider
a dear friend, some old friends got stronger and I have my natural
mother to fall back on and help me through this process
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I did not reach out for help.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was good to talk about it.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jul 27 13:40:12 2004
F49 in Lafayette, Louisiana =US=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
was doing a search on a song I think..not sure why your site came
up...but odd that my mother just passed away last month
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 Months ago.
Cause of Death: congestive heart disease complicated by diabetes etc; Aged: 80.
--Details:
There was no more they could do for her. Her arteries were too small
and brittle for opening..meds to relieve fluid buildup caused by
diabetes and congestive heart disease made her kidneys worse...she
had been in and out of hospital for a year and a half..finally
opted for hospice in the nursing home. The nursing home allowed
us to stay 24 hrs with her the last week...I was with her when she
died..in my arms..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Our bodies are the vessels in which our spirits reside. Our bodies
soon give out..grow old and don't work. They die.We understand that
the spirit lives on but it is still difficult to let go of a loved
one.. to not have that loved one close by to touch and see.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Didn't cry or anything. I didn't actually experience the death..but
the effect it had on the family lasted a long time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how it felt to hold her in my arms as she made that transistion..the
actual act of dying..it was as if one could feel the body release
the soul.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
one has to learn to deal with death in terms of what we can do
to help people make this transistion rather than how it effects
us....we need to be more supportive...we need to talk more..be more
open about it..treat it as a natural part of life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
being given the gift of being allowed to be there when my mother
passed...being able to actually hold her as it happened....the
grandest gift...amazing.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Sometimes talking about it...
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Sometimes talking about it.... also having to do all the things
that needed to be done such as picking out the casket, arranging
the funeral, picking out clothes, deciding on the details..making
sure all the things that HAD to be done were done.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Tell them it's OK...that you will be OK..hold them.. touch them. Let
them know it's OK to go on....
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found it felt so much less traumatic at the time it happened.. but
having been with her at the time..it felt as if someone or something
was guiding me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
none
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to her privately more
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with her
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I forget she's not around anymore
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
n/a...I was with her at the time
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
total disappointment. The only thing that was positive about their
care was that it was the only way my mother would not have to go back
to the hospital which is what she did not want. Hospice did not do
the job they should've done at all. It was the nurses at the nursing
home that gave the most support, both medically and emotionally.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
For me..it was difficult because my brother and I do not follow the
religion we were raised in and my sister does...so it was difficult
for us to go through the motions of the customs and traditions..not
really a problem for us except that at times some of it seemed
excessive..as it was our sister arranging the religious part of it
--Religious Affiliation:
past was catholic...now non-denominational
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Calling or talking to loved ones who have passed. As one gets
closer, breathing changes, rattle in throat..eyes become glazed,
then maybe foggy.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
the grief or mourning sometimes kicks in a bit late..once things
have settled down and the reality of not having that person around
begins to sink in. And even though you know that you did everything
possible to make the death process easier, later you begin to worry
about whether or not you did all you could possibly do..and whether
you did things right..
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
different things at different times in my life...and depending on
whose death it was.
nothing... I think I just dealt with it
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
The questionaire was a bit long. I began really enthusiastic but
lost interest after a while...kinda long.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jul 27 13:03:28 2004
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
was doing a search on a song I think..not sure why your site came
up...but odd that my mother just passed away last month
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Jul 27 08:57:00 2004
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
doing a study of death
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Kubler Ross, Flor McCarthy,
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
--That first time, how it happened was
No real close bereavements to me as yet, I'm a priest and see death
every day
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
Faith, scripture, meeting and knowing people who have since died
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Jul 26 19:05:55 2004
F51 in Memphis, Tennessee =USA=
Name: Donna Osborn
Email: <foemina-at-hotmail.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i typed in bardo
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Prof/Studies: Homemaker, mother, astrologer
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sogyal Rinpoche
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother-in-Law, two Weeks ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 73.
--Details:
It was amazing to see the spirit she displayed as she struggled to
sit up, with her daughter and myself assisting. She pulled her legs
into almost a complete lotus position and sat there, like an ancient
one. It was like the personality we knew was gone and the one that
sat before us was the sum of all the personalities, quiet, and still.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of this earthly life as we know it and the birth into the
next world.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad that I would never get to visit with them again.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the day we buried my aunt. I went into my nightly meditation to send
love and acceptance that she was gone. When I let out my breath
I heard a racket that caused me to sit up in bed to see what the
noise was. My husband had given me a bouquet of red rosed a couple
of years before that had dried beautifully and were on my dresser. We
sleep with a box fan on and it was on the dresser as it had been for
years, also. At the moment of my release some of the dried roses came
thru the back of the fan and it blew crushed rose petals all over
the floor at the foot of my bed. I knew that this was Our Eleanor,
letting me know that she was still active in the spirit world.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that we need to prepare daily for a good death
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
when Eleanor let me know she was still active by the rose petals
spraying all over my floor
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
recently I received support from singing the mantras, especially
"Om Tara Tutare Ture Soha"...
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the feeling like I was dancing with the grim reaper
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
ro respect the quietness and sacredness of the separation
--[My Mother-in-Law's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
witnessed her ancient spirit in all it's sacredness as she struggled
for the last time to sit up into the lotus position and just BE THERE
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
She did not let go
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be more available
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be aware that Eleanor was contacting me from beyond the grave.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
When Eleanor died it was unexpected. I saw a flock of ducks heading
into the western sky that morning and said "no" I don't want to see
this. I got home and received the news. I began to scream and jump
up and down in despair of the separation.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
that they knew how to make money on the process of trying to do
everything to preserve life at all costs
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They were nice and it was a form of support, but you really have
to get thru it with what you have developed spiritually up to
that point.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a heart felt prayer from the female chaplain that came and prayed
with us a couple of hours before the death
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist, Rosicrucian, Buddhist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
it was like the personality passed away, before the body, and what
was there was something ANCIENT and sacred.
--Regarding MONEY:
everything was pre-paid
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it really was a celebration of her life
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the feeling of dancing with death
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I guess the first signs that death was coming was that she was
having a conversation with her decesased mother-in-law and then
her own mother and father. But the more physical signs were the
cessation of eating, drinking, half closed eyes, head thrown back,
skin discoloration...
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
regret of not being more available, sadness at not seeing the
physical person again, the physical peace that came after the
struggling
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
the dead relatives that have visited my loved ones were not a
source of comfort and my grandmother was calling for the Lord and
kept saying..."you're not the Lord"
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I hear her say what she always did, 'and this too will pass'
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Actually there are two experiences. As I stated before, I had been
taught not to try to hold on and grieve over the loss of a loved
one because that holds them in an unpeaceful state. So the night
we buried Eleanor I was just beginning my meditation and doing
the in and out breath. With the out breath I was releasing her
and telling her to go with God when the dried roses on my dresser
came thru the back of the fan and blew out all over the floor at
the foot of my bed. I KNEW this was Eleanor contacting me to say
she was okay. She had told me that she would try, but I was NOT
looking for a sign. This was spontaneous and the most wonderful
gift I have ever received. The other time was before the birth of
my granddaughter. The very large windchime in our hall chimmed the
whole week before she was born, I know this was welcoming her in...
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want my kids to get from me that this life is not the end of life,
that my spirit will go on and maybe be back one day in the form of
a friend or loved one or that I will be one of the ones there to
greet them, for sure...
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I want to have my ritual down so that I can have a good death and
use it as a portal to illumination, stepping live from this world
to the next...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
The private ritual that my sister-in-law and I did for her dying
mother was to put on Elvis's gosphel CD (we're from Memphis and
it seemed strangely appropriate)we lit candles and had several
statues of Jesus and Mary and a beautiful picture of Jesus. Susan
would bring the picture with the candle under it up close for her
Mom to see. And then she would stroke her from head to toe with a
clean cloth. When she got to her feet she swiped out and away as
if to release her hold on the world
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
My observation is that we have to prepare daily for death. That it
would be much more comforting to have the ritual and the peaceful
place that you've gone to daily to be the place you go to during
the separation process
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes, my sister-in-law's husband and I tried to help preserve
the dignity of the body that was left right before the spirit
departed. We're both Virgos and we performed what is one of our
calling which is to be of service to mankind in payment for our
space on the planet
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
From working with the midwives in my area I noticed that the women
gather and help with the birth as they do at the time of death,
they help birth into the next world.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I gave relief to the family by staying several nights
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
the obit got me
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Jul 25 06:42:17 2004
F59 in Easton, pa =usa=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
taking a D&D class
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Prof/Studies: pct - training to be a nurse
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1980 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 42.
--Details:
I shared in bringing her to faith and acceptance and spent the last
moments of her life with her
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the cessation of life on earth - leaving the earthly life and going
to life eternal with Jesus
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young - we stepped up to the coffin and touched the dead body -
it was cold
--That first time, how it happened was
It was the death of my brother's Godfather in another state - the
body was in a coffin in the living room - I really did not know
him that well
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the faith and acceptance of my friend
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is to be expected as the end of life - it is to be dealth with,
mourned, and grieved. It is ok to cry
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the way my father, and my friend accepted death. Also-my minister
telling me that our bodies are but earthly shells and it is our
souls that go to heaven
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my minister, and my family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
hold their hand, read to them, listen
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
it is very important to grieve
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
we were moving and I put aside grief - then a few years later
when a co-worker died, I had to deal with unresolved grief - and
did not realize until counselling with my minister that was what
was happening
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my dad while he was alive - he died at age 50 -
I was just 22 - I wanted to know him better
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
bear up when my cousin died, call her family and tell the relatives
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
seeing my grandmother reach out from her comatose state to those
she loved who had gone before
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
proper etiquette at funerals
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I heard of another young man diagnosed with the type of cancer my
dad had - I went to pieces
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would not be the person I am today-strong-capable-loving
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that some people die so young - that cancer claims so many
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
CRY
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
on no - he's too young - of a friend that had his head crushed
in a converyor belt at work and was to be married a month later -
shock, disbelief
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
mixed emotions - why couldn't they diagnose sooner and be able to
cure the cancer - thank God they did the surgery and gave my dad
and friend a little more time
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I worked for hospice, but it was not even heard of when my dad and
friend died - It is a wonderful and helpful thing and a blessing
for many
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
hope and conviction in the afterlife
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
puzzling - as a Christian I am taught that you must believe in God
to go to Heaven - yet I have dear friends who believe in another
faith, and I cannot believe how these people's faith would not be
validated in the afterlife
--Regarding MONEY:
spending too much on a funeral that my sister in law could not
afford for her husband
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the loving support
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
not wanting to eat - vital signs - swelling of the body as it filled
with fluid - difficulty in breathing
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I did not allow myself to grieve early enough or long enough
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my grams talked to all her loved ones at the cemetery 1 wk prior
to her heart attack - then at death's door - reached out for my
(deceased) grandfather and said she was coming
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
after my mother in law died, both my husband and I would wake up in
the middle of the night and hear her walking around in the apratment
she had above us
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
tell them how much you loved them - and you will meet again
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It is important that when I die I do so with dignity and that my
family's wishes are considered, not just mine. They need to grieve
and heal and if that takes see me in a coffin - or not - then I
believe that I would rather have them do what they need to heal.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am currently taking a class on death and dying which has given
me a wealth of information including the five wishes
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
That I am a kind person - who knew you were never too old to be
what you might have been - at age 59 I am becoming a nurse
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
remember that God has a purpose for each life and that He is
in control
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
memories are wonderful and should be truthful
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes indeed
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
belief system, knowledge & learning about death
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
when my cousin died, we were in the process of moving to another
country so grieving was put aside
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
right now I am helping my friend's family deal with her impending
death using my knowledge of hospice, and of our 53 yr friendship
to help support them
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes - death should be something we talk about
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Jul 15 14:42:00 2004
F24 in Pretoria, Gauteng =South Africa=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Other: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Prof/Studies: Teacher
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 16 Years ago.
Cause of Death: breast cancer; Aged: 8.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the transition from the physical to the spiritual. For me it is
when the physical body dies and the spirit goes either to heaven or
hell. As a christian I believe that someone who lived his/her life
to honour God, is taken home to God (heaven). God is the creator
of heaven and earth, live and death.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was at my aunt's place. My father and older siblings was at the
hospital where my mother was in. They decided that it would be better
for me not to see my mother on her death, barely breathing. She
was in the intensive care unit and usely children under 12 are not
allowed, but there are certain circumstances where the hospitals do
allow it. I now think that I would have been allowed to go inside,
but as said previously my father and siblings decided it would be
better for me not to see my mother. My father broke the news to me
when he came to pick me up. when I got home, my mother's sisters
and brother as well as the preachers of our church and my siblings
were there. That was where I broke down for the first time. The
younger of the two preachers took me on his lap and comforted me.
--That first time, how it happened was
My mother died after a long fight with breast cancer. As she knew
that she would most probably not be able to see me grow up, she
spoiled me alot. Even though I was only 8 I can still remember
some explicit scenes of how my mother looked during the last few
months. Even though I did not realise that my mother was dying she
was trying to prepare me for when it happened.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My marks at school dropped and my overall behaviour deteriated to
such a point where I was taken to a psychologist to test if I had
any learning disabilities. The people around me did not realise that
I only needed to get my feelings on my mother's death out in the
open. I still saw my mother (2 years later) as part of the family,
not being gone for ever.
--What I think my (South Africa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I was born into a culture where the father is seen as the
dominant figure in the family. Males are not really allowed to
show hurting. In my case we as a family never discussed my mother's
death. Everyone just carried on as if nothing has happened. For me
talking about feelings and the person who died is what my culture
must learn in dealing with death. We must stop being scared that we
will hurt the person's feelings when we talk about death. A person
hurts more if the feelings are stuck inside.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The thing that I will always remember, although I do not know if it
really helped me in working through my feelings, is a puppetplay
me and my cousins on my mother's side did after the funeral. We
decided that everyone is heartbroken and we must cheer them up. We
took my Barbie dolls and started thinking what is the opposite of a
funeral. We ended up doing a puppetplay of a wedding. Thinking back
I think this only helped me in shutting me feelings inside me. The
other thing that I am most grateful of and that surely helped me to
become what I am, is my father remarrying just over a year after
my mother's death. Even though this was quite quick to remarry,
I needed a mother and it took me only a few months to adapt to
the new situation. My new mother helped me to open up, not to her,
by encouraging me in other interest fields of mine. She also gave
me the structure that I needed.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
people caring for me, even though I did not feel that anyone cared.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
adapting to live without my mother, especially as she spoiled me
a lot.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Holding the person's hand or other signs of caring. Talking to the
person and assuring the person that everything will be fine if they
die. Reading to the person, especially passages from the bible. The
dying person must know that he/she is not alone. This will help in
taking the scariness of dying away.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was the one that needed to pack her things away. My friend died on
her way home from university. Her hostelroom was just as she left
it. She was much-loved on the corridor, but no- one felt that it
was their privilige to clean her room up. The honour (and it was a
honour) fell on me. Sitting in her room I felt a calmness, that I
did not have since her death, surrounding me. Cleaning her room,
packing everything away helped me realise how important it is in
the healing process. I was dead scared of doing it, but I knew I
had to do it and I started. Once started it was difficult to stop
untill everything was in boxes. In the end I felt relieved and I
have accepted that I will not see her again. I was still emotionally
unstable for a few months following, seeing that I realised that
I never properly worked through some other deaths of people near
to me. From my friend's death I learned about an inner strength
in me that I never knew of. With this learned how to stand up for
my rights. Another important lesson I learned was that one must
appreciate one's friend while they are alive, because they can die
within the next few seconds.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
we realised that the person who caused the accident had stolen
the vehicle. That person drove away without even glancing back. My
friend's mother was near suicide and her sister was about to write
her final exam's before graduating from high school. She also thought
that there was no reason for living anymore. All of this while the
guilty party did not even know that someone has died in the accident.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was very confused when I thought my alarm clock was the thrid
world war, but I was sensing God in the room when I was packing ny
friend's things, remembering fun times we had together and knowing
that she is with God.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my friend that she was my best friend and greeting her properly
before I left for the holidays. A week before my friends' death we
were in my room sipping coffee and talking. After a third friend
left my room she told me that I was the best friend she had at
varsity. I did not reply, but thought that the other friend was my
best friend. It was only after my best friends death that I realised
that I was better friends with her than with the other friend.
With my mother, I wish she could have lived longer so that I could
have known her better.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
carry on with life. My end-of-second-year-of-varsity exams started
within a month after my friend's death. How I passed all my subjects
and achieved distinctions in some of them I still do not know-
maybe it was because all the girls on the corridor stood together
during that exam.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
one of the girls on the corridor put a burning candle infront of my
friend's door. The gesture brought a feeling of holiness onto the
corridor and it showed me that I was not the only one that thought
about it the whole time. Another thing that was very important to
me was when a girl took me into her arms and said that she tried
to imagine what I must be feeling, but she can't. She was one of
the only ones that did not ask how I was feeling, but she showed me
real love. She was the only one I felt comfortable enough with to
cry in her presence.
With my mother's death the small gesture
came from the younger preacher. It was him who took me onto his
lap and comforted me and meant alot to me.
The main reasons why
these gestures meant so much to me was because they were done out
of love and from the depth of the heart.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
asking how you are feeling. It is so obvious that one is down in the
dumps yet people ask how do you feel. Another thing that everyone
thinks of is flowers.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
When I think about small things accompyining the death- for instance
the candle infront of the door- I get teary-eyed.
With my mother's
death I feel teary-eyed when people talk about her especially my
siblings and I can't remember how my mother was. Another time when
I can get teary-eyed is when my brothers talk about my mother as
the one that brought them up and I realise that that is the way I
feel about my second mother. It lets me feel as if I am betraying
my mother or my siblings.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I have thought alot about where I would have been if my mother
was still alive. Honestly, I don't know, but I do know that some
part of my personality would have been different. This I know
because I see some traits that in me that my other siblings do not
have. These traits I recognise in my second mother and I realise
that I learned it from her.
I don't think my life would have
been much different if my friend was alive. My circle of friends
might have been different.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that me and my sister had to loose our best friends or in my
sister's case her boyfriend and then there are people who have as
yet not experienced anything like losing someone dear to you. Some
people my age have only heard of people who died, people that they
did not really know. I have experienced the death of my mother,
all my grandparents, my sister's boyfriend and the best friend I
ever had. Why could I not have been spared a little? That is what
is not fair to me.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hug the person or talk to them. In these instances it is best
to talk to myself imagining them there or writing my feelings
down. These difficult times are much less than they use to be,
but they do sometimes occur and hopefully I am alone.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
shock, horror and disbelief. My boyfriend phoned me and asked me
to sit down. He then broke the news that he heard a few minutes
earlier. I was in shock and was screaming. I thought that someone
was playing a sick on us. I was scared of phoning anyone, because
it could not be true. I was scared to death when I phoned her family
the next day to share my condolensces. I was scared that it was not
true.
With my mother's death it was not as bad seeing that we
had expected it for quite a while by then. Even though I was small
and still believed that I would see her again, I realised five days
before her death (the last day I saw her on) that she is dying and
that I would not see her again. I did not admit it to myself.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
trying their best, but at that stage research and treatment methods
were not yet good enough to save my mother's life.
With my friend
there was nothing that they could do seeing that she broke her neck
and died on impact.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Even though my mother had cancer and in the end died from it she
stayed at home. This was untill the last week before her death
when she was admitted into hospital. The care that she received
was good. The bad part for me that I were not allowed into ICU,
but did realise later on that it was my father who made that chose.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
loving each other, caring for one another- not necessarily with
words, but with actions. Doing things for instance cooking or a
hug without someone asking you to do it.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christianity
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true, but also not true. I feel it is true, because every person
has a spirit and with death it is the physical body that dies and
the spirit transcends to heaven or hell. The broad view of Spirit
is not true, because I believe that there is only one God.
--Regarding MONEY:
it was then when I realised that my friend send money home that she
made waitressing in a coffee shop. I did not know how her sister
or mother would cope, because the money that she send home was not
alot, but helped alot.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the heartbrokenness in the atmosphere at my friend's funeral. It
seemed as if most people cried. It was a whole community mourning the
loss of one of their favorite, most-loved and most talented girls. It
was also a community in disbelief that one of the youngsters,
the headgirl of 2 years previously could be dead,
As for my
mom it was more of a final farewell and a showing af respect and
appreciation for what she did. Everyone expected her death and the
funeral was a final farewell
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
experiencing peace in my friends room. It was actually
indescribeable. It was as if God himself was in the room comforting
me and assuring that his child has gone home. Another weird
experience happened about a week before her death. As the holiday
was starting we were preparing to go home. It was also the springday
celebration of the university and we did not have classes for that
day. I decided to go home on the that, skipping my last class the
next day. I was returned from my boyfriend's place to find that
my frien was not in her room. Thinking I would miss her, I wrote
a letter telling her to enjoy her holiday and that I will see her
next term. While writing that something felt wrong and I checked my
spelling and everything, but could find nothing wrong. It was only
about a week later that I realised why something felt- I would not
see her that next term.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
What helped me with my granddad's death was that I visited him
everyday at his home and I saw him the afternoon before his death. My
suggestion is that if you had close contact with dying person and you
are one that started out assisting the person through the process,
stay with that person. If the person is on intravenous feeding
and sorts and he/she pulls out the cord, let it be. Even though
you feel that it is better to keep the alive a while longer that
person has decided it will be better to die.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It is different for many people, but it is important to accept
that life do end for everyone and this might be the time for the
dying person. If acceptance is reached by both the dying and the
helping person the grieve becomes easier to bear. For me the best
acceptance of death, especially if you have seen the person's
health deteriorating is seeing the corpes. This makes the whole
experiences of death a reality and it helps one to accept that one
will not see that person again.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I do not really have unresolved issues with any of the people I have
lost to the death. For me there are more things that I wish I would
have done, but there are no unresolved issues such as disagreements.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Respect my opinions. If I feel tht it is time to go, do not try
and keep me alive for antoher few days.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
This is a topic I gave alot of thought. I just realised that I am
not scared of death itself, because I know where I am going. I am
in a certain way scared of the way I am to die. I also realised
that anyone can die young, but one can also live a long life.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
In living a fun-loving and caring person. Making time for people,
helping in need and enjoying every moment of it!
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Some of the things I do to cope is talk to myself and answer the
questions I have asked in the way I think that person would anwered
it. It also helps to write. I wrote poems, as well as letters and
diary entries.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
The friendship that grew stronger after my friend's death is the
one with our third friend. We are now very good friends and will
forever be. My friendships with some of my other friends also grew
stronger, although they did not really know my friend. In the few
months after my friend's death my realationship with my now-husband
went through a rough patch, but that just showed me the strength
of our relationship.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
support from my family and small gestures from the school
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
I blocked it out of my mind and carried on with life in a way due
to the fact that I did not fully understand what happened.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I read and responded to letters that my friend's sister wrote. I
encouraged that life is worth living and she much just hold on.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Some questions were easy to answer. It was question alreasy asked
often enough not bother me. Some of the other questions helped me dig
into my memory, opening some wonderful, but heartbreaking thoughts.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Jul 11 09:54:21 2004
F19 in Victorville, California =USA=
Name: Maria
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
Developmental Psychology Class
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Prof/Studies: Cashier/Student
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Acute Leukemia/Heart failure; Aged: 80.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
not the end, only the beginning. Death is part of being mortal. Your
spirit is separated from your physical body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Didn't cry until I actually saw his body.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
That my grandfather was dying and leaving my grandmother, who is ill,
to live in this world alone. My family and I would have to take on
another responsiblity. I just knew that this death affected us a
lot physically and emotionally.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death isn't that bad...it's a normal thing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I myself haven't experienced it. I feel I haven't lived a full
life yet.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I really didn't need any support I just kind of kept it inside.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That you were losing this person you loved so dearly.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
That to tell them you love them everyday until they do die. It will
make you feel better and them too.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Don't hide your feelings about death. If you want to cry...go
ahead and cry. It will be better for you in the end. Holding/hiding
your feelings is not the way to go because it will bring on other
problems.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
It was all clear to me...it was his time to die.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughing probably was a reaction to remember memories.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
See him before he died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Not breakdown at the funeral. It would've been horrible.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember all the memories, or watching family home videos with
him in it. You just wish that that person was alive and in front
of you right then and there.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think I might have been much happier with him still living,
but I don't think my life would be any different.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I've never had that thought.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Curl up and sleep all day and forget about everything.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Started to realize that he wouldn't be around me anymore. All I
have to live on are our memories we made in the past.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The medical community could've saved him, but can't blame them for
everything...they're human just like the rest of us.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
That there was a plan we have to die in order to go back to heaven.
--Religious Affiliation:
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
That the spirit will go and live on after death. We don't completely
die, we just die a mortal death...a physical death.
--Regarding MONEY:
Around times like death money seems to be more scarce then ever
before, but there is always a way through it to make the funeral
special.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
That it was private and it wasn't a big showy funeral. It made
everything more special for the family.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
viewing the dead body in the casket. I don't want to remember his
death, I want to remember him when he was alive.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
That he actually had problems. He was fine 3 days before he ended
up in the hospital--He was taking care of the yard and everything
and then the next day he ended up in the hospital.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
that I am not necessarily affected by it because of my beliefs and
how I will be able to see them again. I just simply remember them
for who they were in life. I try not to remember their death.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
It fits the description up above.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I've always had a pretty good relationship, but I wish I could've
been able to tell him how I felt and tell him I loved him before
he died.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had a dream, which my grandfather was in, and it felt almost like
a visitation from him, telling me everything was alright and that
I needed to be doing what I needed to be doing.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I will die when it's time for me. If I knew when I was going to die,
I would try my best to get my life in order, to also mend up things
that I messed up.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She was a wonderful mother and wife. She had many great talents
which she was able to share with other people. She was also a great
contributor to the community. She will be missed.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I just know that I will meet him again someday. Death isn't the end.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yeah, it helped me remember what my feelings were at the time of
a death of a significant person.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Jul 10 11:59:44 2004
F49 in =usa=
Name: clark
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Wife, 3 Months ago.
Cause of Death: liver failure; Aged: .
--Details:
She died young (46) of alcoholism. Was not able to quit and had
Hep. C. The combination of Hep C and alcohol killed her.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our physical existence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was kind of afraid but it didn't look too bad
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the stopping of her heart and the sense of her "leaving". I and her
family, while we didn't like losing her, felt a certain relief that
her suffering was over.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not something to fear. It is the only other process that we as
humans get to do only once, the other being birth, so I figure it
has got to be as wonderful.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I was able to be with her as she died and say the things I
wanted to say and that we got to decide to place her into hospice
care and have her death be respected.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Friends and family - letting me talk about it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Feeling it didn't have to happen. I do not believe that our
"culture" deals very well with the disease of addiction. Not enough
is understood about it and I feel that in 20 years people like her
will not have to die.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
If they can speak - listen. If not talk to them honestly from your
heart.
Tell them everything is okay.
--[My Wife's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realized that love is a gift and never miss an opportunity to
appreciate the gifts your spouse is - enjoy one another.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized that she at 46 was so ravaged physically by the disease
and there was nothing anyone could do
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did not ever feel that way.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have taken her home the last month, to die at home and being able
to enjoy what awareness she had left in the comfort of familar
surroundings. The Dr.s did not tell us (or know) she was going to
die until 4 days prior to her death. I believe that they did know
and for whatever reason didn't admit it.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there and that her family was there and that she was never
left alone.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Her eyes focused and lit up when I placed my flannel pajama top
over her the day before she died.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Being so solem
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
It hasn't been that long, if I can get through 1. hour without
thinking about it I figure I'm getting through it. I feel that
this sadness I am feeling is becoming part of me and will always
be with me - not in a bad way - rather as an honor to her memory
and the good times of our life together.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would be the same life we shared except she would have found a
way not to drink and we could have still been together throughout
this life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That the medical and "recovery" community really do not know better
how to deal with addictions. She tried, there has got to be research.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Have her back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I was there. After she died I held her one last time and felt
profound sadness.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Lack of communication. She was given good medical care but the
Dr.s did not really communicate with us. I was out of town and it
was difficult to get a phone call returned. If a patient does not
have an "advocate" right there for them the medical system slides
on its responsibility to family members. They might not if they
all weren't so busy...
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Relief and amazed at how different and gracious accepting death
can be. Hospice is a truly respectful environment.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Her mother got to have a priest perform the anointting of the dying
and that made her feel much better - I figured it couldn't hurt -
there was some comfort in the tradition/ritual of the dying process.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Unifying.
--Regarding MONEY:
She never had much money, it was rather a non issue. What little
she had went to her cremation and I and her family shared the rest.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
We held a private mass for family only and it was a wonderfully
intimate experience. We all were with her in her final days and we
all stayed together to see her out and then we continued with our
seperate lives.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The sense I have that she was with me the immediate few days after
her death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The dying person gets very very tired. The breathing
changes. Actually the pamphlet that hospice had in the room regarding
the death process was very greatly appreciated.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
You are doing a similar process but you'll remain. It is after
they leave that your process begins. Relax and remember some of
the words you spoke in your loved one's ear and apply it to yourself.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I do not know what she was experiencing but the morning she died I
felt like she might not know what she should be doing i.e. fighting
to stay alive or just letting go, so I felt I should tell her it
was okay to let go and relax - she was dead 1. hour later. She
seemed very peaceful the whole time.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I knew one man who had an experience where he was hit by a bus and
could see the whole thing and was hovering above his mangled body
not wanting to go back because he knew it would really be painful
but he heard "you are not done" and came to in his pain. He is
a very credible individual and I believed him.
I believe we
continue on in a manner we as living humans can never comprehend,
and do not need to, but just know that we go on.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
She died clean with me. Really. In dealing with alcoholism there
are always those moments that things are said that shouldn't be
for whatever reason but I am powerfully confident that she knew I
loved her as much as I knew she loved me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
From me: I am sorry I was not with you the last 4. weeks but I was
loving you.
From her: It's okay, nobody knew and I felt you loving
me.
From us both: We knew we deeply loved each other underneath
the disease.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have had thoughts that I know I did not generate come into my
mind that I feel were from her. I "saw" or pictured her- had to
say- coming through a doorway in our house, she seemed tentative,
I told her she could come by anytime she pleased, haven't seen her
since while awake. I see her in my dreams sometimes and I mostly
wake up remembering the sound of her voice.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have the right to be comfortable. I have the right to have those
I want with me.
I have the right for my health care directive
to be followed.
I have the right to have my loved ones informed
as to my condition in a timely manner.
I have the right to be
in a room that has a window that can be opened while I am dying -
I would want fresh air.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have much less concern for my own death feeling like I will be
united with her (and others I have loved who have died).
After
witnessing her dying I have to admit it doesn't look that bad I
only hope I can go as calmly and with my spouse and family around me.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She was a generous, creative woman who through her life and talents
brought beauty to her fellow humans.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have desiginated my morning to be our time together. I have always
loved waking up (early) being alone and getting my coffee. I have
said that she can share this favorite time for always with me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still feel acknowledgment of our time together when the sun is
coming up and my coffee is brewing.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Her older sister and I have created what I think will be a lasting
friendship. Her mother and I were already friends and will continue
to be so.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
I really do not recall any hinderence, sadness yes, but I moved
through it. My family very much believed that she had a wonderful
life and now it was time to go.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I did reach out to her older sister who lives out of town and didn't
really know me all that well - I asked her to stay at the hospital
overnight with me, we did support one another and were the two most
"organized"
I would have wished that my friends would have sent
a note or letter.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It has helped me focus thoughts and hopefully it has helped
someone else.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Jul 5 08:39:25 2004
F30 in Elma, wa =usa=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 Months ago.
Cause of Death: the result of a heart attack; Aged: 83.
--Details:
my grandfather had a heart attack. They didn't expect him to make
it but he did. He lived long enough to transition from the hospital
to a nursing home and then back home. He was at home for 1 week and
suffered another heart attack. He died in the hospital 3 days later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a process, a completion of life on earth into a beginning of life
in heaven.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Didn't talk about it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I was so scared that there were so many things left to say. Even
though I believe in heaven, I felt so ripped off.So many unanswered
questions. I began getting very depressed and emotionally drained.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
You do not just get over it and go back to work when your 3 days
of brievement is over. The American culture is not sensitive to
the huge impact that death has on a person, family and community.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When I picked up the urn at the funeral home, as I pulled away in my
car the church bells from across the street played amazing grace. A
song that we sang to my grampa in the last hours of his life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My college professor at the time allowed me to talk with her. My
uncle was also a source of support.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The constant remembering his last few hours and him taking his
last breath.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just listen. It is about them at that point. Find out what they
need. Reassure them that their loved ones will be cared for. It was
important for my grandfather to hear that my grandmother would be
taken care of and that he didn't have to worry.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
My grandfather lived 2 months after his original heart attack. I
am blessed to have had the opportunity to go through this process
with him. We would talk for hours about things. Still after his
death I just miss the opportunity to talk to him and see him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend time with him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandfather was sedated and didn't appear to know anyone,
he grabbed my hand and stuffed my pinkie finger in his mouth and
chewed. He bit my finger and said nothing at all, that to me was
his way of telling me that he would be ok and that he loved me. This
was something he had done to me for years as a little girl.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about having to go through this again with my grandmother....
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep until I don't feel the loss anymore.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didn't want to leave his hospital room. I had this feeling that if
I stayed I could have more time with him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
respect.
--Regarding MONEY:
you began to understand who was who when it came down to it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
My grandfather would have been so proud. So amazed that people
cared enough to put on such a nice celebration.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
picking up the phone to call him. Thinking I see him in cars as
they drive by, then it hits me that no that wasn't him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
heart rate, blood pressure, cold hands, sweating, fever. Keep in
constant contact with the nurse they can help you understand.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
when he took his last breath, it was as if there was a stillness
in the room.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
nothing unresolved.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
scamp!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Everyone has their own wishes but if they are not written, they
will not be met because other family members may have thier own
ideas about how things should be handled.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I spent time with an uncle that I very rarely got to see. He is a
fabulous man.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
school professor
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
went back to work to soon
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Jul 2 21:11:05 2004
F42 in =australia=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, The Consolations of Philosophy,
poems of Emily Dickinson
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sogyal Rinpoche, Alaine deBotton, various poetry books.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, Months ago.
Cause of Death: murder; Aged: 49.
--Details:
My sister was stabbed by her ex-husband.
My brother also died 2
weeks ago from Cancer related stuff. He was 52
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the leaving of the consciousness from the body to another 'place'
which the living are generally unsure of. The person no longer
exists as an animated human, but as a shell. They live on in some
ways through their offspring and close relatives.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Felt confused and did not know how I should respond. I was about
9 yrs old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
That it was knee buckling and I could not believe it. It was a
sudden and unexpected death. That first half hour is now a blur
execpt for the overwhelming sense of being winded.
--What I think my (australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death itself. We do not talk about it, prepare ourselves for it
or acknowledge it, like sex in Victorian times. Since my latest
grief I have been exploring death and dying, the intimate stages
and theories of the afterlife. I saw my sister and brother after
they died and think about that.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
at the moment I feel I have a sense of purpose, for what or where
from, I don't know! But it has to do with living and being alive -
like I have a duty to life itself. Don't fully understand this yet!
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking to others (not too many or too much), reading about death,
getting on with stuff I have to do and rejoining the human race -
i.e. seeing movies, etc.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the sense of loss and the horror of murder for my sister - not
knowing how much she suffered.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be there. I was for my brother. It helped others as well. A dying
person does not want to feel like a burden, so the more people share
with the person the more the dying person can feel reassured they
are not overburdening one person. A dying person cares about the
people they leave behind.
--[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
We can get so caught up in the unimportant things.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the first 2 weeks - funerals, going interstate, people, busy-ness.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It's fine. Try to do it with the right people though!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be with my brother, been able to warn my sister
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk to my brother and get back to a time when we were great friends.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
curl up in a corner.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
NO NO NO NO
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
not too good in my brother's case. But I know they've been wonderful
for others.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I wasn't involved.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not applicable
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I like the Buddhist ideas. I can't believe that consciousness
disappears altogether. What happens to it is beyond me at the moment.
--Regarding MONEY:
An inheritence helps people get on. I know this from a job I had as
well as personal experience. It is a gift from someone who loved you
(hopefully) so accept it as such.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
people care, they grieve, they want to help and be there.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
My new found obsession with death and dying.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
thats life. You can't have loved if you don't feel grief. Grief
reminds me of what I have had and what I still have - so in that
way it becomes a filling sense ('full of grief') rather than an
empty sense. It's precious in its own way.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I only hope this happened.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Its not a ghost thing, but more metaphorical than that - I feel
like I am walking with the dead - all my relatives. I am having
constant memories of everyone now and thinking of them so it is
like they are with me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Finding out about death and dying, talking, time out, getting on
with things as well, being with your family.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
thinking about death, good memories and time.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
we are a non-religious and skeptical/cynical family
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Jul 1 23:43:24 2004
F34 in Prairieville, Louisiana =USA=
Name: Renee'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
I was searching the web to understand how I was going to pay my
dad's hospital bills after his death.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Prof/Studies: working on Mass. Communication degree/ mother 11 years/ wife for
15 years
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
More personal info:
I can not spell that well, but I love to wrie and speak the
true. Most people hate the true and really can't stand to hear
it. If you tell the true you will quickly see your true friends,
people may not appericated at first but they realize a true friend
is a good friend and a forever friend. Therefore I was alwasy my
husband friend before I was his wife or lover so he knows I will
always be true to him, and like wise from him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 Weeks ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 34.
--Details:
He was in the hospital for 30 days before he toke his last
breath. The last 11 days and last 11 hours where the worse for my
entire family.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
leaving this hell on earth to join other loved ones in the heavens
above.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
34 years old, I had never seen anyone take their last breath up
until my dad died. He had suffered for nearly 5 years since his
first stroke. Althought he was able to do a lot of things again there
where still a lot of things he could not do. He was a carpenter and
was not able to return to work. My dad was only 55 with the first
stroke and 59 when he died. He was young and I'm even younger,
therefore it was hard with my young family. I believe it is called
the sandwich generation. He had a living will, but my sisters and
I still had to make decisions. After they toke the ng tube out
and stopped feeding him he lived for 11 days and 11 hours. For
11 days one of us was their at all times to request his morphine,
I felt as if I was starving him to death. He was never really able
to communicate with us, I believe that is what made it so hard. One
day he would make a guster then 4 days would go by and nothing. He
was in and out of a coma state. I realized one day I was not killing
him when the CNA came in shave him, it was that moment I realized
he was gone. Someone had been doing everything for him! It shocked
me that I had never really seen it before.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
With his last breath I just knew he would take one more, but
I also knew his suffering was over. His heart no longer pumped
blood throught is body. Just like that he had left one world to
enter another. I remember kissing his forehead and holding his
hand because I knew he would get cold. I would never buy another
Father's Day gift for my dad. My sisters and I somewhat rejoiced
for his happiness because we knew he was in a much better place.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
We all will die, each and everyone of us.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Being with my dad as he pasted away, and seeing him move his lips
and cry. I knew their was a heaven and a God. My dad had been unable
to do either of these things for 30 days and he was speaking to
someone we could not hear him but did see him move his lips.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking to family and friends, expressing my feelings, talking to
my priest and writing in my journal. Once we talk about it we can
deal with it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not knowing how long he had laid across his bed before we found
him and question life support althought he had a living will. But,
no last words from him the fact he could not communcate to us had
to be the worse.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them know it is okay to go and you will be fine. But, never
make promises you can't keep. Never tell a dying person you can
pull through because you have done it before. If medical evidence
tells a family one is dying let go of that person and let them know
you are letting go.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Lost trusted in doctors and realized God is going to take him when
it is your time.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
He lived way loner then the doctor thought and medicare was forcing
us to move our dying father to a nursing home.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I would not take it back because Daddy heard us laughing about
the funny things he had done. In fact he had stop breathing twice
when we were all laughting outloud, but began to breath when stop
laughting and had gathered by his beside.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have celebrated one more Father's Day, perhaps put my term papers
and studies down for a few minutes to have lunch with daddy. My last
three weeks of school was hard and I continued to say as soon as
finals are over the kids and I are going to get grandpaw and take
him to lunch. He had his stroke the same week I finished finals.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I had finals then daddy had the stroke. My daughter did not have
her 11th birthday party, but I did see her perform in her dance
recital. I toke my 7 year old son to the hospital everyday because
he had speech and language clinic at a nearby college, therefore
he got to see his paw-paw a lot. I too had pt 3 times a week and
never missed on session until my dad died. I was able to keep my
household running quiet smoothly considering.........the fact my
father was dying. I don't like to hear people cry about their busy
life, and what they have to do PLEASE........
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My dad had 10 minute crying spell about 2 hours before he died and
after his last breath he a tear roll out of his left eye down his
left cheek.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I'm 34 years old having to make decisions about my fathers
death. Their was not wife to do it for our father it was his three
daughters 34,31, and 24. Can I include this on my resume.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
He will take one more breath.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
It can really suck! The doctor wouldn't order a morphine pump,
another would not obey his living will and gave us false hope of
Daddy making it. Yes, he could have lived bedridden the rest of his
life. What kind of life is that? The social workers would hunt you
down to find out which nursing home you wanted to send you dying
father to. I have no trust in doctors anymore.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice was okay we meet with them to see what they were all
about. However, Medicare would only pay for one or the other Hospice
or the nursing home. My sisters did not want me to be with my dad
by myself when he died. That is why a nursing home was elected,
I didn't want him to die in a nursing home and would have done fine
because God would have make sure I wouldn't have been by myself.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything!
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic/Pencostal
--Regarding MONEY:
Paying for Hospice or the nursing home, not including my fathers
medical bills left behind.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I never cried, and Daddy looked good for what he had been throught,
but he looked 10 years younger. My mother never attended the funeral
or came to the hospital for us.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Oxygen level and breathing pattern, they both got lower and slower.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I know something happen like this because of the crying spell my
dad had 2 hours before he died and the way he moved his lips right
before he died he could not even open his mouth for the doctors and
know it appeared he was talking but no sound came out of his mouth.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Just to know for sure that I had done the right thing with the
living will, and what did my dad really what us to do with his
personnal belonging.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had a dream about my father 2 weeks after the funeral. He was
telling me he was not really died and don't let them close the
coffin on him. I have beat myself up about not putting daddy on
life support, but I was only sticking to his wishes. I even seen
another man in my dream cover in a white wazy material saying he
was not died to help him! It seems wierd but it was my dream that
I had this morning.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't want to know because if you know then your family will go
throught hell. You will probably spend every dime on doctors and
meds. and it wears you loved ones out. Quickly and know ones has
time to think about anything, I had 30 days with my dad and he
still could not tell us bye.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Wife of 65 years, mother of 2,tons of
grandchildren,great-grandchildren but a remarkable women that retired
from adovating others rights. Setting laws and passing bills in
the senate. But being a loving and true friend to all the people
she had ever came in contact with.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I just imagine him having a better time in heaven then here and
lord knows he had a fun here.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I live less stress because I don't worry about my dad dying
anymore. I treasure everyday with my husband, kids and family. I
don't make as many waves as I use to and I have a little more
patiences with the world and life.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Dissociation
She had elected to leave her children for other people to raise,
why would someone do this to their child.
I accepted it quickly because she elected it, I was puzzled by why
she had comment sucide but it was her choice to leave this earth
on that day at that time. Althought , I believe everyones day is
marked hers may have been marked but we will never know just how
long she suffered or if she every felt any pain.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It is wonderful to write so others can read and maybe have some
sign of relieve that they are not the only ones dealing with a dying
loved one. I have always writen and talked about my dad dying and
then talked and wrote about his death. It is the best counseling
one could ever get. To admitted the problem is to deal with the
problem. Therefore, talking about the the death is admitting it
and then one can cope with the asbenses of that person no longer
being present in their life.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Jul 1 22:56:50 2004
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, Years ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 79.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
leaving this current environment and body to proceed to a spiritual
dimension which is quite mysterious to us left behind
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
noticed that my father stayed alive until the moment when he was
ready to leave
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
family solidarity after the event
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
we should be more open about it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my father had the opportunity to see the things he wanted
happen before he died
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
realising thatt it was inevitable that my father died because of
his health
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
realising that there was only my mother between me being the 'head
of the family'
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Dont be afraid to talk to the person about how he or she might
be feeling, do not let artificial barriers come in the way of
communication
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to have a meaningful conversation with my father which
was rare, shortly before he died
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why my mother did not support my father
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughing is aa stress release and is OK even in grief
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to my father more often
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have mother in a hostel where she would be looked after without
input from the family
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my cousin provided the most beautiful and brilliantly coloured
flowers for the funeral
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what we all did after the funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I wish that my relationship with my parents might have been different
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
That, for instance my mother may be able to be to me what my friends
mothers are to them
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I was born into a family with a mentally ill mother
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have closeness with her
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didn't expect it to happen now
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
acceptance of their skills
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not very much
--Religious Affiliation:
Anglican
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I think the broader view of spirit is where I am. I believe all
religions are equal representations of reality
--Regarding MONEY:
money was irrelevant
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
support from friends and family
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that my sister was visited by my father when he died - she was in
New Zealand
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
keeping busy in the world has been helpful
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I believe my father was called by an angelic visitor a few days
before he died
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have heard several accounts from people who have experienced
these events, and believe they are real
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I believe my loved one knows now what my thoughts are and is more
understanding being in a different realm. I do not believe that
they hold grudges from the other side
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
It may help to clear up unresolved issues
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Others have told me that their loved one has visited them either in
person or by sending signs by which they can be recognised. There
are many of these stories.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Where I want to die, being looked after at the end, and having the
opportunity to spend time with people I loved, and say the things
I wanted to say.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would like my family to be with me, and I would like to close
off all untidy ends of my life
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Mostly about my achievements as a mother and my good relationship
with family. Also something about working efficiently and overcoming
difficulties
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Didn't have one
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I reached out by talking and offering social contact and support. I
hope this would be done for me.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu Jul 1 13:53:51 2004
F Guest in Helendale, CA =USA=
Name: Kristina Chavez
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Teacher ]
developmental psychology
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 8 Months ago.
Cause of Death: genetic disorder; Aged: 6 weeks.
--Details:
The hospital gave him an enema that got out into his bloodstream
and killed him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our physical bodies.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know how to handle it. I felt like that was the end of the
person and that I would never be able to know that person again.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the life changes that family and people made. It was a reality check
for many realizing that we never really know when our time is up.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it doesn't always have to be a bad thing. It doesn't always
have to be a negative experience.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how it brought my relationship closer to the Lord.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
peace and comfort from the Lord.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I missed my son so much.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
the love that they feel from someone who really cares.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
became so dependent upon God to get me through this hardest time
in my life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't understand why the Lord would give me such a wonderful
blessing , then take him away six weeks later.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didn't laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
change certain actions that took place the night before.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have such a wonderful husband that was my backbone through all
of this.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I had to pick out his clothes for the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about those last few hours.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would be in Heaven and I don't know if I'd recognize him as my
son, but I know I would definately recognize him as a significant
part of this life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the Lord would give him to me and then take him away. I felt
that He shouldn't have given him to me at all.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see him and hold him again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didn't understand why it happened
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
a negative outlook.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
trusting God.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christianity
--Regarding MONEY:
all of our family and friends donated a amount so we wouldn't have
to worry about all the hows.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
saying that final goodbye.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
peaceful
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I felt that my cousins and brother who died of the disorder, along
with my maternal grandmother were there to take him. One of the
nurses that was working on him until the end, who also was trying
to comfort us in any way possible, looked like my grandmother who
passed away when I was two. She wore the same glasses, had the same
profile, and even had the same name. I felt something different
with her that I have never felt before.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The most important thing is that my son felt loved, and I believe
that we were very good in expressing that.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
That we couldn't have loved him anymore and that he's in a wonderful
place, being well taken care of, and will look forward to seeing
us again someday.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
A few weeks after my son's death, I was doing the laundry in the
garage(which opened into the kitchen), when someone playfully knocked
on the kitchen door. I thought it was my four year old daughter,
but when I opened the door no one was there. When I went to check on
my daughter she was in the back of the house in her room playing. I
felt a peace come over me and felt like it was my son just playing
games with me.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Death doesn't frighten me as a person because I know where I am
going is better than any life I can imagine. I would however be
more concerned for my family.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I had to realize that it was for my son's best interest.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I started going to a Bible study for women and have met some
wonderful friends.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
Time would heal the hurt
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
It really helped my comfort level when I was trying to comfort others
during the loss of my son. Encouraging others brought peace to me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It has helped me rethink and express some of my feelings about
death. Sometimes we need to talk about it instead of letting things
get all bottled up. Most people want to just put an experience like
this in the past and feel unconfortable bringing it up. It's good
to vent your feelings because they do reoccur.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
See Jun 04 contributions.
See May 04 contributions.
See Current contributions.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
