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Wed Dec 31 10:59:59 2003
M50 in =Unknown Locale=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of ,  Years ago.
Aged: 

       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Lack of Awareness 
   
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Tue Dec 30 17:26:58 2003
F33 in Loveland, Co =usa=
Name: Kim
Email: <kitareed-a-frii.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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    Prof/Studies: Finance
 
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Steven Levine,
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Patient, 10 Years ago.
Cause of Death: emphysema;   Aged: 83.

--Details: 
     Jo and I became very close as I cared for her in her last six
months of life. We had a very strong spiritual connection as
she was very interested in Buddhist philosophy and talking about
death and dying. In her last week the hospice crew medicated her
into unconsciousness. It was very difficult for me to know that Jo
was such a conscious aware woman and was losing her chance to die
with any level of awareness. This experience of feeling helpless
deeply impacted my life and career path and I subsequently spent
10 years providing case management and hospice services to elders
and the dying.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--That first time, how it happened was
     My grandfather died when I was 12. I saw him at the hospital and
	had a strong urge to tell him I loved him,a sense that I might
	not see him again. I was too embarassed to say that in fron of
	my family. He died that night. I was my grandma's primary support
	person in the days following his death. I stayed with her day and
	night and we talked and cried together.

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     being comfortable in its presense. The most honest experience I
had wa sin caring for a young man with AIDS. His mom, aunt, and
I were with him when he stopped beathing, and per his request,
his body stayed at the house for 3 days so we had plenty of time
to see the physiological changes as well as to make some emotional
peace with his passing. A great gift to us to aid in our healing
and understanding.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     ... Jo waking for just a moment from her drug induced coma to
recognize me and impart a few words of wisdom.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     being around it... spending time at night on the windy ridge
overlooking boulder, just feeling the immensity and beauty and
mystery of nature and death. Grieving and in my grief feeling
more connected and believing in the power of some gift descending
upon me. Just the gift of having touched someone's life and been
touched. There's power in that.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     feeling overwhelmed by the immensity and incomprehensibility of
dying. The power of it makes me feel ungrounded, and the more
connected and meaning I feel the more I want to eat or drink to
ground myself and numb the feelings.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Just to listen and be unobtrusive. Try to be unafraid and don't
squelch whatever crazy conversations arise
 
--[My Patient's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     really bonded with a person 64 years older than me, how connections
are not limited by age, and life lessons come in all different forms

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     the most confusing part was balancing my friend's desire to die a
conscious death with the compassionate desire to minimize pain. When
these two conflict, money is no option, and double staffing 24/7
is an option, it's hard to know where the line is and whose wished
best reflect the dying person's desire

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     there was a strong feeling of joy in the room when Scott was taking
his last breaths. It was so unreal in its reality that the intense
connection to reality made me joyful, even though the content of
what was happening was sorrowful
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     no regrets yet...

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     spend so many afternoons of tea with Frances. That I was patient with
even the most boring afternoons. That my "work" with her forced me
to be present and take time out of my life to experience her aging
and dying.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     Jo used to tell me she met me on the ridge last night... I was
actually walking on the ridge and thinking of her and feeling her
presense. I felt like we really did enjoy many evenings in nature-
while she was in bed dying.
 
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     Fortunately I have not yet lost a loved one close to me.I've become
close to people once they are with hospice, but my partner is alive
and well, my parents and grandparents also

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     capture all the feelings and write them down, box them up and share
them with others, fly into the sky and let them loose
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     could not believe I would never talk to her again. Was sad that
she shut me out while dying, that I couldn't see her one last time

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     general reliance on medications--- some jewels of hospice providers
out there--- not enough awareness or respect for the spiritual
aspects of dying
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     what a gift to witness the disintegration of the body and the
strength of the spirit and personality. People die in such different
ways... I learn from their courage
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     a cold place to fulfill your duty... not at all connected to the
spirituality I have found as an adult
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Catholic as a child and now Buddhist
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     absolutely true. The subtleties of connection, and shared human
experiences transcends language and culture.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     My only family experience is of two kids changing the will and
leaving out the other two siblings. Conflict and fighting over money,
with less emphasis on grieving and celebrating great-granddads life.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     that there were a lot of people around, but I only remember the
immediate family. The rest is a blur

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     a loss of appetite and thirst, increasing breathing troubles,

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     staying present during the dying process helps so much in the
healing. Being with the dead body also helps a lot, to be able
to feel the transition of consciousness and the letting go of the
dying person
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I definitely experiences conversations and exchanges with Jo after
she died. I met her on the mountaintop that night, our spirits
talked, and then she went on her way.
 
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     Just a clear message from the dead one would be meaningful, a sign
of affection and spiritual insight

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     My grandma told me often about my grandpa returning to visit her
and check in on her. The rest of the family did not believe her,
so I bought her a journal to record these visits, and let her talk
about it as much as she wanted. She still will tell me of visits
from grandpa, but over the last 20 years these visits have become
very rare.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I should finally sit down and fill out a living will, and have
these discussions with Jen so that family doesn't interfere with
what I know she will advocate for me.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I think I largely ignore my mortality. When i am in touch with
the possibility of dying or becoming ill I feel more courageous,
like there is no time to waste. I want to say what I need to to all
loved ones and not live in fear of what people think. Working with
hospice keeps me in touch with this sense of courage and mortality.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     I want people to remember me as a good listener, a courageous friend,
a dedicated swimmer, a seeker of understanding, and a lover of my
friends, family, dogs, and sweet partner Jen.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I shaved my head. When Jo died I was so sad that I parted with my
cherished long hair.It felt freeing and just a representation of
my grief. I also used to write poetry a lot.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
    I've been changed significantly, but for the most part don;t
consciously think about these past experiences. I have a longing
to return to hospice work, a sense that that is my calling in this
world. Hopefully I can fulfill whatever I'm meant to do before I die.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I have definite bonds with family members of people I've cared for
through the dying process. I'm out of touch with them, but if I ran
into any of them on the street I would feel a deep and grateful
connection. The connection of sharing such an intense experience
definitely lives on.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Other: 
     working with hospice has helped me


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Silence & Taboos 
     lack of openness about death, dying, sickness
 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     Made me think, reflect, remember, have an awesome conversation
with Jen

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Tue Dec 30 15:43:03 2003
F38 in pa =usa=
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    Prof/Studies: support staff
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer;   Aged: 81.

--Details: 
     skin cancer spread throughout his body

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     The passage of our soul into another dimention of being

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was very young and did not understand it.

--That first time, how it happened was
     my favorite uncle passed away. He had a heart attack

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     I got to hold daddys hand until the blood ran cold.

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     we should not morn the dead we should rejoice at their passing into
the spirit realm

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     I tried my best to tell Dad everything I've ever wanted to before
his death-he knew he was loved and made me the woman I am today.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     I had to get professional therapy and medication. It was hard even
considering my beleif system but this was my dad the greatest man
who has ever been in my life and I was his baby girl whom he treated
like a princess.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     I had to be strong for everyone and it was one full year after
before I was able to let myself go and grieve.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Let them know that they do not need to fear anything and to follow
the light-follow the light.
 
--[My Father's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     was contacted by my dad after he passed on into the spirit world
and my 8yo son was also contacted.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     not confusing at all

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I was ok with it until a year later when the grief hit me hard.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     stay at daddies house a little longer that day but I didn't know
he would pass that evening.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     hold his hand at the end.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     daddy was laid out in the funeral parlor they made his form look
younger like he did 20 years ago.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     at any time-but its ok to remember that person with a tear-we are
physical beings and we miss them in the physical.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     true respect
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     wonderful
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     no comment with religion
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     new age
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     this is fact-the spirit leaves the body after death and survives
in a different dimention
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     no money issues at all
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     it was huge-the whole town came to see him and say goodbye

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     not having daddy to talk to in person anymore.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     he saw the spirit of his brothers that day and they were there to
take him to the afterlife-

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     it took one year before I started to greive-it was a very deep greif
and I was worried about my health so I sought out professional help.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     DAD called me from the other side the whole first week of his
life. Until I realized it was him he kept calling ever hour.
he also made contact with my 8yo son 
 (i have 4 kids) and with me
during my deep grieving process where I was then able to snap out
of the depression the next day.  (this is a very long story so I
cut it short)
 
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     see above

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     when my number is up I guess I have to go-I just hope my time is
after my babies are grown and able to take care of theirselves.
I am fine with death as long as my children are older-I will face
it with a brave face and march on into that dimention when ask.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     Mother of 4, who lived her life by offering hope and helping others
who were unable to do it on their own. A person who would give you
her smile if you didn't have one and an intelligent woman who found
her meaning of life after searching in and out of the United STates
during the 90's.  Friend of all living and dead in this world and
the next.  Do not morn me your tears will put out my candle.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I talk to my dad outloud in my home and so do my children-even
though he is now in spirit form daddy is still a big part of our
life.-actually he was present during our christmas morning-although
not seen by the eyes but felt by his presence


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Crying and Crying 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     good survey I would like to see a book published with the results.
Keep up the good work people need to be made aware that death is
not the end-we only grieve because we are shelfish and when we cry
it makes them (the spirits) cry too
   
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Tue Dec 30 14:06:44 2003
M54 in St. Petersburg, FL =United States=
Name: Jack
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  I was searching for information on 'Bardo'

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    Prof/Studies: Minister
 
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	New Age Handbook on Death abd Dying
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Carol Parrish Harra
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 35 Years ago.
Cause of Death: myocardial infarction;   Aged: 61.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     traveling to another plane of existence

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     wasn't that upset with it

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     people's stupidity


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Funeral and Rituals 

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Sat Dec 27 17:06:27 2003
M51 in Monson, Maine =US=
Name: Stanley Spoors
Email: <stosh-at-midmaine.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  As the Bereavement Coordinator for the local Hospice Organization,
I was researching the subject of Mental Retardation and Grief.

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    Prof/Studies: Bereavement Coordinator, Pine Tree Hospice
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 13 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Pneumonia/ Klippel-Fiel Syndrome;   Aged: 3 mo..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     an occurance when the life sustaining mechanisms within our bodies
cease to function.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was in early childhood, and did not grasp the concept of what death
was very easily.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     it has changed my entire life.  I am no longer the same person I
was prior to my son's death.

--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it is not something that one "gets over." and that recovery
from the associated grief can take a very long time.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     my best friend taking me fishing for three days after my son's
funeral, and allowing me the safety in which I could do whatever
I needed.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     The Compassionate Friends, an international support group for
bereaved parents.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     having to examine and rebuild my entire belief system.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     to let the person know that I care.
 
--[My Son's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     found that I was not crazy, that the chaos in my life after my
son's death was a normal reaction in the grieving process.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     that fact that religion could not justify what had happened.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I didn't laugh for years after my son's death.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     fight harder for custody of my son.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     survive the turmoil and grief, and to build a new life in which I
can now help others who are suffering.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     a co-worker came to me and said she didn't know what to say to me,
and simply gave me a hug.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     Special memories or events trigger the emotions surrounding his
death.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I don't think about what might have been.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that my son was born with all the problems he had.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     die.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt all alone in a world that didn't care.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     they tried hard to save his life, but when they couldn't, they
should have let him die with a little more dignity.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     It is my belief that organized religion is nothing more than a
business that controls its people by fear and intimidation.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Agnostic
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     like a more reasonable explanation.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I'm not aware of any such occurances.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I have no unresolved issues with my son.  I believe that he knew
that I loved him very much, even though he was so young.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would like to tell him how proud I was of him, and would like to
hear that he no longer suffers.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     My son's mother claimed that she was visited by him.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     An explicit Living Will is one of the most important documents in
one's life.  It explains to family and friends what the wishes of
the dying person are.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     My grandmother told me just prior to her death that she had led a
successful life and that her bags were packed and she was ready
to go.  I thought then, as I do now, that it was a very healthy
attitude toward death.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     He spent the last years of his life working with Hospice and The
Compassionate Friends, giving back to others some of the support,
hope and understanding that was given him during his recovery from
his son's death.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I visited his grave on Christmas with my guitar and played music
for him.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I've noticed that it is much harder for me now to develop inimate
friendships.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Passage of Time 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Rage 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I became active in The Compassionate Friends.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I have pretty mcuh resolved my grief issues, but the questionnaire
was helpful to me in thinking about my clients in Hospice and the
members of our local chapter of The Compassionate Friends.
   
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Sat dec 27 06:21:32 2003
M40 in hampton, ga. =usa=
Name: amber wiggins
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Found us by: [ web search: ]
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Prof/studies: hairstylist

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Most significant recent death exp was death of sister,  days ago.
cause of death: acoholism;   aged: 43.

--Details: 
 my sister was diganosed with hepitius and it had been untreated
for years.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - t o p i c a l s - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death is: 
 the ultimate end, the end of living in this world physically.i
believe in the after life and your spirit going on to be with
god.the god of our understanding, and that your body is just a
house for your spirit.

--the first time i ever experienced someone's death, i    
 i experience my daddy dying and leaving to never return.

--the most vivid memory i have of this most recent death is:
 loneliness.

--what i think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
 it is the ultimate destiny to be with god.

--one gift for which i shall always be grateful is:
 god walking us through it.

--what was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
 understanding it.

--and the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
 missing the person.
 
--regarding just being there for someone dying, my advice would be:
 to love them and just listen, and help them deal with their fears.

--[my sister's] death taught me so much.  i'd have others know how i:
 that it is okay to talk about death with them and cry with them if
needed or be strong for them.

--the most confusing point of death for me was when:
 why did they have to be sick at a young age, why could they not heal.

--regarding humor in the death process, i'd just say that:
 what is the big deal we make about living.

--not that it's a regret, but i would like to have better had time to:
 tell her it would be okay.

--but some things worked out so well... i'm so glad i was able to:
 be there completely.

--one seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
 i could cry.

--and exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
 i did not cry the whole time. unless in private.

--i can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
 i want to hold her and talk to her.

--in another dimension of life where this all had never happened...
 i wanted her well.

--sometimes i think: it's just not fair...
 it would not have been fair to keep her here in her pain.

--it's sometimes so very difficult.  i just wish i could
 be alone.

--when it really hit me... when i realized & acknowledged the death, i
 did not get to be there.

--regarding medicine, doctors, etc:
 they could not help.

--regarding churches, religion, etc:
 everything.

--religious affiliation:
 peneocostal

--regarding oneness of spirit, etc:
 awesome

--regarding money:
 we spent the money even if we did not have it.

--regarding the funeral:
 the love.

--the weirdest part of it all to me was:
 watching others from the past.

--some of the common signs of death :
 she was so scared, and never felt good. she did not want to die
but she did not want to live.

--some of the common stages of grief: 
 writing helped. i wrote her a letter.

--re: visions from the 'other side':
 it was totally there, the ones that went before were here.

--how might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
 candy i loved you more than you will ever know. and i am sorry for
you that you had to die. i know you were ready but you did not want
to leave us.

--if we were to visit one last conversation...
 i am okay.

--regarding rights & wishes of the dying:
 she was a wonderful human being.

--any thoughts about your own death?:
 god be with me, and help me.

--what might you like your obit to say of you:
 she did her best and loved deeply to those who really knew her.

--any coping ritual or event you invented / devised to help you cope:
 actually touching the body and doing her makeup. talking to my
sister while doing it. and writing to her.

--any coping rituals or events which have carried over into your life?
none yet. but i will love others more.

--any new friends emerge in the shared grieving process of death?
 yes, people who were there for me.


   - - - - -   p e r s o n a l    h i s t o r y   - - - - - 

how'd i do?     adequate

what helped me most deal with death?    abandonment 
 i would think and later wrote.


what hindered me most in my dealing with death?    lack of awareness 
 eating at a young age.


--as for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
 just be there.


- - - comments on this questionnaire & collection guestbook - - - 
 yes, but painful because i am burying my sister today.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Dec 26 16:38:39 2003
F48 in Manhattan - NYC, NY =USA=
Name: Debra O.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
    Prof/Studies: Bereavement Counselor
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Has Died
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Therese Rando, Ph.D.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 43 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 39.

--Details: 
     I have struggled with the meaning of his death through many years of
my life, and now believe that spiritually, it was an essential part
of who I have become in my own existence.  His death was, for me,
one of the most significant determinants of my own life course.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     The essence/being/spirit returning to that from which it came,
beyond the limitations of the body, but missing the corporeal
experience that the body allowed.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     ....felt set adrift, alone and in pain.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     ...enormous pain, and a lack of totally honest and open communication
about that pain.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     ...realizing that it is a part of life, rather than something that
can be fixed like other problems with which we deal.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     ...learning and incorporating into my being the realization that
life in the body is finite, and that we should cherish all of its
experiences and the people with whom we share those experiences.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     ...loving individuals who were present and there - they did not
really need to do anything beyond that.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     ...the horrid responses of people who did not understand or care
to learn what I was going through - sadly, a large number of these
people were social workers by profession, and I think that field
needs to educate their members about death issues.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Yes, be present.  Wipe the forehead with a cool cloth, and tell them
you love them.  Hold a cup while they sip a beverage from a straw.
Just be there.  It is like midwifery on the other side.
 
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     I learned how strong and present I can be.  I learned that to be so
sad, weeping, and exhausted is also a demonstration of my strength
and humanity.  I can look in the mirror still and know how good I
job I did when she was in hospice.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     ...I would find myself annoyed with the dying person, because they
were angry, feeling so ill, whatever.  I struggle to allow that
anger and annoyance for me.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     ...even though my sister and I laughed in the moments after our Mom
died, because we were not exactly sure about her being dead, that
was great, because we could imagine our Mom rolling her eyes, and
saying,"yes, girls, I am dead.   Now please call the funeral home."
Laughter was always a great healer for her, and she taught us that.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     ...learn better physical care for the patient.  The hospice nurse
did not really teach me what to do, and I felt inadequate at times.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     ...say I love you so often, and have open, honest discussions about
how she wanted her care, death, funeral, designated charities,
etc. to be taken care of.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     sorry - can't think of anything
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     ...the wake and funeral.  I know that the ritual of it all was
important to me, but I have hardly been to the gravesite since the
death.  My beliefs about the afterlife do not make those cemetary
trips important to me - my parents could be with me while I am
giving my child a bath, on some level - enjoying the fact that
their lives go on through us.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I realize the inevitable changes brought about by the deaths.
It is bittersweet.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would not have the strength, wisdom and knowledge I have accrued
by going through my pain.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that my Dad had to leave me so early.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     watch lots of mindless tv, get a good night's sleep, and start
fresh in the morning.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     ..guess the person is dead now, but will be back in half an hour.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     there were some amazing professionals, and some who need to be
dealing with their crap in therapy or 12-Step program meetings,
rather than in my personal experience.  I am grateful for the
professionals who knew enough to just be with me on the journey.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     I have had many, many loved ones died from cancer and AIDS.
The levels of grief as you watch them deteriorate and waste is
difficult and painful, but strangely, I guess it brought me more
clearly to the realization of dying.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     I was reminded of the reasons I left the Catholic church in the
first place.  The priest who did my Mom's funeral was an insensitive,
arrogant, proselytizing fool who was more concerned with bringing
us back into the fold than offering us support and comfort.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     I was raised Roman Catholic.  I was married by a Gay Reformed Rabbi.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     that our physical states keep us more separate than do our Spirits -
in Spirit world, we are light.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     we were able to take off time from work, hire an aide to assist
in care.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     how unreal it all seemed - reading Mom's obit in the paper, and
thinking, heh, I knew her.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     wondering how I would get old without them with me - this is
especially true in the cases of my many friends who died during
the worst of the AIDS epidemic, at such young ages.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     honest communication from the health care professional about what
would happen as the patient approached death.  My Mom's hospice left
us a list of signs of dying, and that was helpful, in a weird way.
You feel you need to depend upon something.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     the only way around it is through it.  Offer me a hug and a cup
of tea.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     my mother discussed seeing my aunt Helen, who had died a year prior,
and others -"they" who told her not to "get out yet, because it is
not yet time."
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I feel lucky in having had time to resolve any issues with my Mom.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     Mom, I stand in awe of all you did with the painful and limited
circumstances life dealt you - and you always made a challenge look
like fun.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I have often seen deceased loved ones in dreams, often in strongly
symbolic ways, with messages that are helpful to me.  I would refer
anyone who is interested in this to see the work of Lou LaGrand,
who has written several books on the subject, and has examined the
benefits of such experiences in healing the pain from the death.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     Cremate me and spread my ashes in the most beautiful areas of
your choice.  Incorporate the best parts of the Irish wake.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I always felt that my death would be sudden and unexpected - as if
I will have that split second to think I am on my way out.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     A memorial service will be held on Sat. for Debra.  Wine, cheese
and crackers will be served, and friends and loved ones are warmly
invited to share their funniest stories and memories.  In lieu
of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to Debra's
favorite liberal charities, including environmental concerns and
animal support groups, as well as the Southern Poverty Law Center,
Amnesty International and Lambda.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I am a strong believer in the power of rituals, both alone and
with others.  For instance, when we had to euthanize a beloved
cat a few years ago, we opened a bottle of champagne, toasted her,
and through laughter and tears, all shared stories of her life.
After my mother's death, and the sale of the house that she and
my Dad had designed and built, my husband, son and I went to the
water near our Long Island home, at twilight, shared some words,
and threw the keys to my Mom's house into the water - knowing we
would never see her at her house again, but using the gesture to
remember all she was to us.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
    I eventually went to grad school, and became a bereavement counselor.
I do workshops on the power of ritual, and create rituals with
clients.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     Yes, I have stayed good friends with people I met in support groups
who were going through similar experiences.  On the flip side,
there were also relationships I let go when they did not grow with
who I had become.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Mystical Studies 
     My Mom's death later provided a strange sort of parallel experience,
which allowed me to process any unresolved feelings around the
death of my Dad.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Abandonment 
     People's insensitivity or lack of knowledge, and being disallowed
my grief.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I participated in bereavement support groups.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     As I am approaching the five year anniversary of my Mom's death, and
it is the holidays, and I recall all that has changed for me over
the years, it helped to do this to clarify my mind about what the
process is for me.  I have a feeling my Mom guided me to this site.
Thanks, Mom.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     No - I think the questions are comprehensive, sensitive, and
thoughtful.  Kudos.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Dec 22 21:17:02 2003
Anon  Guest in =Unknown Locale=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  social situations, questionnaire

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	Christian Bible
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother,  Years ago.
Cause of Death: heartattack;   Aged: 68.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     walking through a door.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was in grade school

--That first time, how it happened was
     Grandmother visited for Christmas, stayed for a week.
 I woke
	in the middle of the night and overheard my mother speaking with
	the hospital.  She had died of a heartattack.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     my mother speaking on the telephone and how ironic it was that
I woke at the very moment in the middle of the night to hear the
conversation.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It happens.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     This is a leading question.  Why do you interpret it as "mostly
darker and perhap as if it has no gifts..."?

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     None of the above.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     It happens too soon to some and too late for others.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     I have been there when someone has died.  Small things mean nothing
to them.  They see you, but you are alien to them.  It's as if they
are boarding a plane to another place and suddenly this world was
just become a hazy dream to them.
 
--[My 's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     What learning experiences would you expect someone to learn?

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     All of it.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     Some people use the urge to laugh as a stress reduction.  I have
never felt the need to do so.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Why do you think some things someone would have changed?  Why do
you think "there just wasn't time..."?  I have never felt the need
to change anything in the actions of done for those that have died
around me.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Huh? Are you well?
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I do not understand this question.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     What is routine for the paramedics, doctors, ambulance drivers, is
another person's tragedy.  Sometimes these "professionals" forget
that and treat the situation more lacksidaisical than it should be.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     You are assuming that the person who died was a loved one.  Why do
you assume that if it was a loved one that I would feel the urge to
"get all teary-eyed"

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     Life would be either worse or better.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     Excuse me? Why are you prompting the answers in this questionnaire?
A better way might be "There are often confusing thoughts and
feelings which come up around issues of death. I recall having had
the thought, ..."
 
 Then let the person prompt their response.

 When I think of the people who have died around me, it makes me
want to vomit.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     What "gets so difficult?" Life? Death? Work? Play?
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     Whoa.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     Some are good, some are bad.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     In home care from various nurses was inadequate.  Rehabilitation
homes/hospitals are not.  Just as prisons are suppose to reform
criminals and all they do is show them new ways of commiting crime.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Some support
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Christian
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     that the world is trying to justify their travisties and harm which
they do to others so that they don't have to answer to a higher
power. The world does not want a final judgement so they can eat,
drink, and be merry for tomorrow they die.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     If the person was a provider to the unit, the unit suffers, If
the person who dies was not a provider to the unit, the unit will
prosper better.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     You assume that there were people at the funeral or for that matter
that there was a funeral.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     It brings into the play what you think is the more important things
in your life.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     none.  Nothing prepares you for death whether it is a young healthy
child that simply's falls over one day and no reason can be found
or a grandfather that lingers for 13 years slowly deteriorating.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     I have no reflection to offer anyone.  Everyone experiences it
unto themselves.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     Who calls Death "the stage of Visitations from the Other Side"?
For 39 years, living in a large metropolis, I have never heard of
this term by anyone.  Some people's death is not "blissful peace"
but a horror to them.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     People who feel that they have heard or received written messages
from those that have died are either crazy or a con-artist
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     not applicable

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     Are you on acid?

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     These are probably the same people who have been abducted from
space aliens.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     People need to make it quite clear what they want to happen to them
and not assume their family knows what they want.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     It is always just around the corner.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     She was here.  Now, she is not.  We all will follow in turn.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
    not applicable

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I only have acquaintances


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Religion/Clergy 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     Cards are better than people visiting.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     no.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     See comments above

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Dec 19 08:36:28 2003
M51 in Asheville, NC =United States of America=
Name: Nancie Liles
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
    Prof/Studies: Writer
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     I'm curently writing a novel (ghost story) in which I hope to use
as much factual information as possible.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 7 Years ago.
Cause of Death: emphasema;   Aged: 61.

--Details: 
     I had lost both of my brothers by then and yet I was unwilling to
accept the fact that she was really dying in spite of her long
and severe suffering. When I thought about it during the slow
process of her dying it ate me up horribly. She would have good
times and I could put it out of my mind. Then when she became end
stage I must admit that I frequently avoided being near her or my
stepfather. When I was, her love for me would come pouring out of
her and it was unbareable for me. It wasn't until I received the
call she was dead that it hit me she was really going to die. My
mother and father divorced when I was less than a year old and he
chose not to be a part of my life. My mother was only nineteen
at the time and she spent the next few years living to support
me. I was bonded to her so closely that, as much as I loved him,
it took many years for me to accept my stepfather as a part of
our family. I remember the song "You and Me Against the World"
by Ann Murray used to always remind me of those early years. The
moment I knew she was gone from me forever the part of the song
"and when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on. Then
memories will have to do...." It hurts too much even now to continue
that song. But I have only recently been able to apply my faith in
an afterlife and knowing she visits me when I need her -- now the
pain is less. The caring for my stepfather in his home for the last
month of his life and watching him reach for my mother's invisable
hand have led me to believe those visits are real.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the loss of our physical body. We have no memory of what it was
like before our souls were in our bodies, so we tend to fear the
loss. It's as if we identify with our bodies more than the substance
of our actual being.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was angry and hurt and completely confused. Before that I thought
I had a clear understanding of how our body is separate from
our soul. But when my brother died, and I had not seen his body
afterwards, I was immediately struck with an outragious concern of
'where is he".

--That first time, how it happened was
     My step brother. We had been together most of our lives and were
	very close. He was two years older than me.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     guilt as to how I had let her down when she needed me the most and
how I would never be able to make that right.

--What I think my (United States of America) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     it's just another step into our being. Just like moving to
another city or country when the only thing we know about our new
surroundings is that which we have read about or heard from others.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the day before my mother died I went to see her in the Hospice
facility she had been moved to earlier that day. For the first time
in months her voice was clear and she was breathing easily. She
looked directly at me with an intensity that seemed to look through
me and she said "You are absolutely beautiful". It occured to me
that she was talking about a me she had never been priviledged of
'seeing' before. She spoke so clearly and lovingly about things we
had never discussed. Then, as quickly as the moment had come, it
was gone and her fear returned so strongly that it soon disappeared
into her own silence where she existed in a world I couldn't see.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Talking with people who believed the way I did. However, even they
were either uncomfortable with or simply tired of hearing me discuss
my mother.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Wanting to talk about her life and the fact that she was once here
and I missed her -- and people changed the subject.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Tell them you will miss them. Let them know they have mattered
to you.
 
--[My Step-parent's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     made the last moments count. Not just for him, but for me as well. To
sit at his side and read to him and talk to him about whatever was on
his mind -- to deal with guilt before it was to occur or be forced
on me in retrospect. I was able to assure him I would be ok and I
would make sure his little dog would live happily with me for the
rest of his life. It still pulled my heart right through my chest
the moment he took his last breath, but I was happy to be holding
his hand and telling him it was alright to let go. And I know he
saw that I was going to miss him when he looked back at my head
against his lifeless chest as I cried long and hard.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     It happened with both my mother and father. When she died, her
sister who I was closest to in her family, turned on me. Then when
my stepfather died his sister turned on me. Neither of those people
are in my life now.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     It is possibly the minds way of dealing with overload -- like a
release valve on a hot water heater. And I think it might also be
someone on the otherside assuring you it is just a great big joke
because you haven't lost anyone -- just seeing them off on a flight
earlier than the one you're going to take.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     spend more time at my mother's side assuring her it was all going
to be ok. Hospice encouraged me not to deny her dying to her. It's
a great organization, but I think if they had expressed that less
she might have found more comfort in words such as "You're going
to be just fine" instead of turning away when she pleaded with
the question "do I have to die". Saying things like "we all die"
seemed to frighten her even more. The truth is that she was going
to be alright -- just not in her body.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     not have financial barriers like so many people have. It is
unfortunate that many people have to deal with funeral expenses
they don't have or rush back to a job too early.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I was so busy worrying about those around me I didn't show outward
grief. Some may have even thought I wasn't affected. When my brothers
died I had to be strong for my father. When my mother died I wanted
to be strong for my father. When my father died I wanted to be
strong for his sister.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     the etiquitte things to do -- calling people, notes, etc. A sweet
neighbor helped with calls concerning my father. But other people
in the family seemed obcessed with my doing the 'right thing' when
all I wanted to do was find time to myself so I could hurt a little
without all the pressures.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     a familiar moment comes and they aren't here. I am determined to
continue to love the Christmas season because it was such a part of
our family. But sometimes waking up alone on Christmas morning is
almost more than I can stand. I immediately get up and start getting
about the day which usually includes getting together with friends.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     But then maybe I wouldn't appreciate their love now anymore than I
did when they were here. With each one I made it a point to feel the
love of the others, but then the next one would die and I realized
I had let so much pass away from us when we could have been together.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that I'm alone and people who don't enjoy time with their families
are either forced to spend time with them or suffer the guilt.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     join them.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     couldn't comprehend it. I was shocked, and the first thing that came
to mind (and this sounds nuts) was "I'm going to give him a call on
the phone". Since my brother lived in Las Vegas, the phone is how we
communicated so it somehow made since I could call him right then. As
quick as the thought hit, so did reality and I was devistated.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     hope. Sometimes it is false hope, but it is there. My parent's used
a doctor who seemed to write them off once he gave out the death
sentence, but hospitals and Hospice were always kind and loving.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     Love and support.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     My mother's minister was wonderful. Unfortunately whe was brought
up in a Holiness faith and she had a hard time realizing what a
good person she had been in her life. She was a Methodist at the
time of her death and she not only loved God and her church, but
she read and studied her Bible as a part of her daily life. Yet the
old fear of not being good enough to enter the gates of heaven and
the fear of hell fire plagued her in her worst moments.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     I was raised Quaker in my early life and attended the methodist
church when we moved to Asheville. I held on to my Quaker beginnings.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     We are one but we get divided into pieces in this life. Much like
a puzzle. Each part of the puzzle should stive to live his or her
life to the best of their ability so the pieces can fit togehter
in the whole. If we all did that then there would be no need for
the suffering or wars of this world.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     My stepfather was good with his money and he cared for our needs
through each death. At his death he left me financially secure for
the rest of my life which now allows me to take a chance with my
own dreams.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     It was alright except for my father. He didn't want a funeral -- just
cremation without a viewing. But his older sister made a request for
a viewing and I honored it. I didn't want to go against my father --
and the mortician who cared from my family tried to discourage it
saying my father would have wanted me to honor is life of furgalilty
with his service. But I did as his sister wished. After his body
was prepared and on display, she didn't like the day chosen for
the service (the funeral home was overloaded at the time of my
stepfather's death) so she returned home to New Orleans without
attending the service. Family and friends were very supportive but
most asked why I had disregarded his wishes, and some even refused
to attened the viewing. I wasn't comfortable telling them about
the betrayal of my aunt.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     With my mother and father it was beautiful to hear them talk to
and about the people on the otherside. I witnessed both reaching
out and holding hands I couldn't see.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     Each was different. With my first brother he had lied about his
health and it was a shock to find out he was dying 3 days before he
was gone. With my second brother it was instant. With my mother she
was so frighted that she used words to help with her own denial --
always saying "I'm going to be ok". And with my father, it was
admitting to myself that he was really going to leave me. But I
didn't want to see past that moment until it actually arrived.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     Let them talk!! And talk to them. Let them say the name of the
deceased person as much as they like and YOU say the name. It feels
good to have others validate you person really was here and that
they meant something.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     It was so good. Not only for the comfort of my mom and dad, but
knowing the people on the other side were near me as well. I still
miss them and their presence was welcomed and comforting. I have
no doubts that they were there.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     Most of the time I realize they have a better understanding of why
I did or didn't do things than I have myself. Just feeling they
understand has helped me. Of course there are those moments when
doubt comes in, but I have enough faith at this point that I work
my way through it.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I just want them to know I love them and that I now see how much
they loved me.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I've had many but two were the strongest. The night of my first
brother's death I remember a dark figure coming through my front door
on three different occassins and each time I sent it away because I
knew it was him saying goodby. Two months later I heard his friends
talking about how the monitor stopped three times before he was
declared dead. Later,I became obcessed with 'where is he'. His body
is in a tomb in New Orleans and as the heat raged I would find myself
thinking of his body decomposing. One night I had a dream that he
was taking me to the front of a church to view his body. I didn't
want to look down but he forced me. It was horrible. Decayed and
full of holes and swollen features. I screamed -- and he laughed. I
turned to see him standing there whole and beautiful and he said
"It's just a shell." My obcession left me.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     My mother initially wanted to be placed on a respirator when the
time came. The doctor's tried to talk me out of it the one time it
appeared it might be needed. I explained I would not want to be on
a respirator, but it was her body and her wish -- so in absence of
her ability to express her own desire I requested what she had told
me she wanted. They placed her on a different machine interium and
she regained mental functin but hated the machine (I think it was
called a 'bypap'). So when they told me they needed to remove it
and to make the final deciaion about the respirator, I asked her
again. She motioned not to use a respirator but to leave her fate
in God's hands. Fortunately she did not require the respirator after
the interium machine was removed. She later thanked me for honoring
her wishes and reiterated not to put her on a respirator. Shortly
after that we brough Hospice into our lives. I would hope someone
would honor my wishes just as strongly. Written instructions are
wise -- if for no other reason than to resolve guilt later. But
there should be honest communication with the patient whenever it
is possible about the circumstances of the moment.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     It may be very different when I have to face it, but right now
I am comfortable with passing through to the other side. I admit
to fearing how it is done and I often meditate about having the
strength to face whatever I might have to face with the dignity my
parents taught me with their own deaths.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     Know for her love of animals, she strived to make life a better
place.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     Just talking to them when I felt them close by. I also started
watching shows (this part is recent) like John Edward. Most don't
feel right too me (I am a skeptic at heart), but John Edward feels
very real.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
    Just that I have absolutely no fear of death now. I think of missing
people here and concerns about their outcome (that includes people
in my family with four legs as well), but I also realize they will
be fine until I see them again.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     A year after my mother's death a friend from work lost his mother
to suicide in his home. I ran to his side when he found her. Our
bond came from helping each other in our own ways. He is now like
my brother.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Another Death 
     I grieved for almost ten years, then one by one in a short period
my entire family died.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Guilt 
     I had never contemplated how much I was loved by these people until
they were gone.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     Helping my friend through his mother's death was very good for
me. I was able to treat him the way I wished someone had treated
me at that time. I just jumped into action when I found out what
was happening. Fortunatley I had called his home and was talking to
his partner when he discovered his mother's body, so I was able to
be there from the start. But knowing what I needed helped me give
it to him.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I admit it brings back some of the pain to talk about those times,
but it also helped me remember my progress in my own faith.

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Thu Dec 18 18:50:37 2003
F36 in Fredericton , New Brunswick =Canada=
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  I just happened to browse in this direction

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    Prof/Studies: Nursing
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer;   Aged: 56.

--Details: 
     he was diagnosed with lung cancer which had spread to other areas of
the body before he finally went and saw the Dr.  I was shocked and
very upset.  My dad and I were close in some ways but we had some
issues between us.  This was the hardest to deal with.  He had been
an alcholic and I learned exactly what alcholism was all about after
he died.  This helped me deal with some of the feelings I had had.
I still miss him terribly.  I had to go get counselling to deal
with my grief and I am glad I did.  It gave me a whole new way of
thinking and dealing with death.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     There is a state of mind.  A lonesome state, depressing and heart
aching.  A knot forms in your chest and a swelling in your throat
and it stays there.  The tears well up and overflow but still it
stays there.  You think about all the yesterdays with them and
all the tomorrows without them.  So much will be missed, not done
or forgotten.  You don^t hear that voice anymore.  You don^t see
the person but only in your mind and at first the memories hurt
only because you know that there won't be an opportunity to make
any more with that person.  
	Then slowly you start thinking about the good times.
	You remember more of them than you could ever have imagined.
	But the sorrow is still there for all the things that
	they will miss out on sharing in your life.  The children
	growing, special holidays, family events, just seeing each
	other.	And you cry relentlessly.  It is so unfair and you
	wonder why things had to be this way.  
 You wake up in
	the middle of the night and everything is dark.  You try
	to think happy thoughts just so you can drift off again.
	Then you remember and you start pondering.  You feel a wave
	of hopelessness flow through you and the depression sets
	in again.  You feel alone and lost in the darkness.  Scared
	and lonely.  You ache inside.  You can feel it right from
	the pit of your stomach and deep mournful sobs escape your
	lips and the tears flow uncontrollably.  
 Time is a healer.
	The more you have the better you are able to deal with death.
	Some how it gets easier and you learn to cope.	You learn to
	go on with out that person although you never ever wanted to.
	
 No one is here forever.  If you love someone then you
	need to show him or her each and every day how much they
	mean to you before time runs out.  Just take a moment and
	think about what it would be like with out them here.  
Tell them how much you love them every day.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was devistated and cried for months.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     how young my father was and how unfair it was that it was time for
him to die.  I wondered how he felt knowing that it was going to
happen and how sorry I felt for him.

--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     The more at peace a person is with their lives the easier it is
going to be to say goodbye.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     I wrote my fathers eulogy and read it at his funeral.  I felt that
I was the only one who really knew him and could really do him the
justice that he deserved.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     talking to a councelor
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     unresolved issues.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     just listen to what they have to say.  Don't offer advice or your
own past expierences.  That person needs to talk and get it off
their chest so just LISTEN to them.  Sometimes that's all they need.
 
--[My Father's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Handled it well and also helped people in my family deal with it
as well.  I listened to Mom for hours on the phone cry because she
was left alone.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I wasn't confused.  I knew exactly what was happening.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     laughter is a way of venting in such a stressful situation.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     hear Dad tell me that he loved me back.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Tell him that I loved him before he died.  I never told him that
before.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     everyone was so caring
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     a special occasion is coming up and they are not there.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I can't think that way.  He is gone and he isn't coming back.
To think that way would only be counter productive in the progress
I have made in dealing with it so far.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     he was too young to die

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     get over it and get on with my life.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     couldn't believe it was possible.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     Profound admiration.  I am in the medical field myself and the nurses
and Doctors were excellent in our case.  They should be commended.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     I wasn't ready to accept that my  father was a pallative patient
till the very end.  Then I didn't want him to suffer anymore and
I prayed for God to take him.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     I don't believe in organized religion.  I believe in God and
Christianity.  My father wasn't saved and that was and is hard for
me to deal with.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Christianity.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     I look at death from a scientific and Christian point of view.
Although sometimes these can be contraindicated.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     It wasn't an issue.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     Every one was supportive

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     emptiness. depression

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     laboured breathing.  coma.   Patient is at peace with it.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     Dads mother saw him at the foot of her bed.  She died less than a
year after he did.  I believe that she did see him there.  He was
dressed in black.  He never wore black. She knew that she didn't
have long after that.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I have resolved most issues.  I know in my heart that my dad loved
me.  He showed me in many ways and actions speak louder than words.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would tell my Dad how far I have come and It would be enough for
me just to see him be proud of me one more time.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     After dad died i dreamed that I was in the OR and he was on the OR
table.  I was doing all I could to help him and he wanted my help.
There was nothing I could do to fix what was wrong with him.
It was a hopeless situation and I remember feeling despair.  
 A
few months later I remember dreaming about being on a beach and a
ship sailing by.  It was so vivid in my dream and while watching
this I was thinking about how much my father would have enjoyed
seeing what I was looking at.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     The dying person's rights should be of the utmost importance.
The person has the right to dye with dignity

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I would be scared to die.  I am not right with God like I should be.
I would be scared for my husband and 3 kids without me.  He is a
wonderful father but it would be hard for him.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     I would want people to know how motivated I was.  The pride I took
in my work.  How I loved my family.  I would want them to know that
I cared about people.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I would write on paper my feelings.  Everything came from the heart.
Now when I read those things over I can really reflect on how I
was feeling at that time.  I'm glad I have a record of it all.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
    Every bad thing I have gone through only makes me stronger and more
compassionate to others going through it.  Just because its a bad
thing doesn't mean that some good can't come from it.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Passage of Time 
     My husband was a major supporter for me when I was going through
this.  It helps to know that someone cares.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Nothing at all 
     I learned a lot about death and dealing with it when my brother died.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     Just loving and comforting my children and my mom.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     Yes it was.

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Thu Dec 18 08:45:45 2003
F52 in =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	"the tibetan book of the dead"; my spiritual studies (which are VAST)
collectively as well as a peaceful kind of 'knowing'...
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	w.y. evans-wentz...alice bailey...again, as a voracious reader,
i have more sources than i can possibly list here...
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 35 Years ago.
Cause of Death: complications post stroke(s);   Aged: 68.

--Details: 
     actually his death was brought about by medical neglect which is no
longer important...sad, but no longer relevant.  his life is what
i remember along with his assistance to me from the other side...my
grandfather's spirit is simply beautiful and most comforting...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     well this is interesting...  i would try to say that for me, death
is the end of this portion of our journey and the return to that
aspect of existance from which we came into this earthly existance...

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was very curious as well as sad since i fully experience all
human emotions...i began to observe within myself and others how
we were reacting and perhaps gaining insight into the 'whys' of
our responces.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the deep, deep sadness my grandmother was feeling...  most of my life
i have been consciously intuitive, etc. and it gave me great insight
regarding the love between two humans and how that love could be so
deeply mirrored in the sadness of the loss of that person's presence.

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     all of my previous answers: basically that is our very humanness
that permits us to grieve for those who pass before us as it is a
measure (in part) of their significance in our and others' lives...we
should always honor the grieving process.  also~ we could certainly
better understand what is happening...have a better understanding of
'where' we go and truly embrace the beauty of this balance...this
other side of life.  i believe that if we can learn to live well,
we can learn to die well and vice versa...

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     i was honored to be present during the last year or so of my best
friend's transitioning.  i remember clearly how several of us were
sitting with her one day and the gratitude i felt for being able to
share the experience with her.  i told her so as it truly reinforced
what i already believed about the process...it was truly an honor
and a blessing...

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     again, all that i know in my heart, all that i have intuited,
the reading i have done...
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     IS~ the sense of immediate loss and separation.  no matter how much
we understand, no matter how great our belief system is that we are
all one...there is sadness.  i think the most difficult for me is
to feel the incredible sadness of those around me...often they are
unable to transcend, even for a moment, their sorrow and remember
the joy of knowing he/she who has passed.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     to hold sacred space for that person and allow them to complete
their journey as they wish to do so and to always speak to their
spirit if possible, and to the person if that is the wish...
 
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     was sitting with her one day and the gratitude i felt for being
able to share the experience with her.  i told her so as it truly
reinforced what i already believed about the process...it was truly
an honor and a blessing...

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     i realized how very un-enlightened many westerners are...

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     when my dearest love and soul mate passed i was stunned as i was
contemplating changing many things in my life to be with him...and
yet his passing has allowed me to truly continue the work i have
come here to do which may not have been the case otherwise...hmmm


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 
     i have always been aware of the closeness of life and death and
feel that both are absolutely natural.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Nothing at all 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Dec 17 12:00:54 2003
F22 in Santa Fe, TX =USA=
Name: Marian
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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    Prof/Studies: communication major
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 16.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     separation.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     learned a lot about myself.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     her parents' grief.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     funerals and memorials are for the living.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the closer relationships with other friends, as we were going
through loss preparation together.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my parents.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the young age of the deceased.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     use the time to say good-bye, it's a good chance to find closure
for yourself, too.
 
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     found help in the network of friends my other friend brought
together.

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     let her know what kind of friend she was, she reached out when I
didn't necessarily have any friends.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     say goodbye and share the experience with several people I knew well
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     she squeezed my hand just a couple of days before she passed
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I see pictures of the times we did have together

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I might not have left home to go to college

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     she's too young, she has her whole life ahead of her...

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     thought I was ready, but mostly I was in denial.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     they did what they could, it was her time
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     knowing where she went after she died, knowing I'll see her again
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     independent Baptist
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     it was a bittersweet goodbye, as she wasn't in pain

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     when she went home to spend her final days, also she got to be home
for Christmas

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I hope it's not painful

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I try to keep in contact with her parents, let them know I haven't
forgotten


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Friends' Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Disbelief it could happen 
F22 in Santa Fe, TX =USA=
]x[
   
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Tue Dec 16 07:56:56 2003
Anon  Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	Ab Walk to Remember
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Nicolas Sparks
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack;   Aged: .

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when you cease to exist and people cry over you for about 2 weeks,
then


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Crying and Crying 
     family


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Disbelief it could happen 

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Thu Dec 11 04:26:19 2003
M18 in weston super mare, north somerset =UK=
Email: <karam3010-at-bridgwater.ac.uk>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: murder;   Aged: 40.

--Details: 
     a stupid bastard decided to take his life away for noapparent reason

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     someone not existing anymore

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried alot and shouted at people and ignored my friends and family

--That first time, how it happened was
     my dad was murdered when i was 12 nearly 13

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     my isolation from people

--What I think my (uk) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     it can happen just like that

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the memories i can remember of my dad and all the good times we had

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     councelling, and my friends' support
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     no knowing who to turn to in the beggining
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     at least you were there and you were able to say goodbye
 
--[My Father's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     am still not over it and i have not learned anyting apart from the
fact that there are some very selfish people in this world

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     i had to understand and accept the fact that he was dead

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     laughter is the best medicine
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     tell him i loved him

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     know him
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     i was able to talk about the death without crying
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     staying for the funeral

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     anyone mentions their dad and how they are seeing him tonight or
waht he'll do for them i feel like crying

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     i would be very different from what i am, i put on loads of weight so
i might not be as fat i wouldnt be as sarcastic as i am and i would not
very paranoid and insecure. my family life would be better my mum wouldn't
shout and blame me 4 evrything

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     why did it have to be him?

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     die and be with my dad
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     would never see him again and have the chance to say goodbye

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     they did their best i suppose but could have tried harder
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     nothing
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     -
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     like shit
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     we have none
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     i couldnt be there for all of it as i had an asthma attack

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     accepting the fact that he is dead

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     none

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     dont hold back if u wanna cry then cry even if its for no particular
reason
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     i dream about my dad all te tie and sometimes hear his voice
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     i had areally bad asthma attack a few years ago and nearly died i
suppose its better that i didnt....
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     i have none

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     just to tell him that i love him v v v v much and i cant wait to
be with him again and just to hear him say he loves me

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     i dream about him all the time  an imagine if he was hear what
wuld we be doing im very jealous of my friends when they talk about
their dads and wen that happens i always end up dreaming bout him
that night

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     dunno

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     i cant wait to die

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     dunno never thought about it

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     talking over with friends and councelling also i cut myself it
helps get rid of the pain

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
    i have changed loads im not the person i used to be

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     i became alot closer to my friends


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Friends' Sensitivities 
     making vewr sarcastic comments everytime i wanted to hide my true
feelings


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Denial 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     my friend's dad died a few months later and i was able to help her
through it with my experience


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     it has made me very pset but i feel good to have said it all

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     all good

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Dec  8 03:06:21 2003
M42 in urbana, il. =u.s.=
Name: chuck c.
Email: <www.tazfoggy-at-yahoo.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
    Prof/Studies: tradesman
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Unknown Person, 20 Years ago.
Cause of Death: gunshot to chest.;   Aged: about 19.

--Details: 
     I was the person that killed him. while in the service.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     like a never ending rest.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was to young to know what was going on.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     almost being killed by this person.

--What I think my (u.s.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that no two people will react the exact same way to a situation.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     that i was a better shot then he was.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     knowing that i was still alive and that i could kill someone if i
really had to.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the recuring nightmares that never really go away and come back
and haunt you at the strangest times in life.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     they are at the end of there pain and suffering.
 
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     why it happened to this person.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     better them than me i would rather feel weird then not feel at all.
 
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     i ask god why this is happening and what did i do to deserve
this shit.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     never dream again.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     could not believe it was true.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     they did what they could.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     roman catholic
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     like there is a whole new begining after we leave this shell of
life on earth.
 
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     talking to the person i killed in my dreams and compareing notes
on why i won and he lost.

--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     when i was shot two different times in my life plus a couple of
accidents the spirits i conversed with told me the things on the
other side are really o.k. and that its no sweat.
 
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     the night my brother in law was buried he visited his mother and
fathers house. my wife and i were sleeping in her old bedroom, when
in the early hours of the morning we woke up to see him standing
at the foot of her bed smiling at us. he looked at us nodded his
head and smiled. then he was gone.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     i am not afraid of dying sometimes i wish that some of the things
that almost killed me would have succeded just to see what comes
next.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Lack of Awareness 
     very young was told she was with the angels in heaven.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     it seemes to be well thought out and researched with a wide margin
for idevidual coment about things.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Dec  1 11:09:27 2003
F24 in Victorville, California =United States=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
  developmental psychology term paper

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
    Prof/Studies: Dispatcher
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: colon cancer;   Aged: 65.

--Details: 
     It was hard, he was my only grandfather. He had just retired in
sept. and then died in feb. My daughter loved him and she was only
2. She lossed out on memories like the ones i have had with him.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     having to let someone go because it is their time. Not being selfish,
when the pain for them is bad enough that they lose hope.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     lost someone very close to me. She was my great grandma. I missed
the nights when she rubbed my back and put baby powder on me after
my baths.

--That first time, how it happened was
     It was my great-grandma, I was very close to my great grandparents. I
	spend every weekend there as a child.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     Seeing my grandfather in the hospital. He was skinny and his eyes
were yellow. He was in and out of consciencness. He showed one
moment of happiness when I walked in and he took my hand.

--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     That it happens and We just need to say goodbye.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     I learned life is too short and I am back in school trying to get
my BA.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     I wrote poetry.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     wanting to hold that person one more time and knowing you can't.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Everyone makes a difference.
 
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     I had to put my life on track. I was 22 years old. I was a single
mother. I needed to go back to college and get my life on track.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     That phone call came and said that grandpa was gone.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     It was needed. Laughter is always needed
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     to see that grandpa was sick before it was noticed. He never went
to the doctor. It came to soon. The Doctor said he had two years
to live and two months later he died.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     know my grandpa, and have the memories of us.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     my work had gotten me a card sending their smypathy.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     at the service, everyone asked me "how did you know pete?" that is
not important.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I think of the ones I have lost, but also my joys that made my
teary eyed, like the birth of my daughter and graduating high school.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     Grandpa would be enjoying retirement with my grandma (who he left
behind). He would be working in the garden and preparing his homemade
Italian food.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I was only given one grandpa and he was tooken away.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     take my grandpa's place......
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     in tears. nothing but tears

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     that they dont know what the hell their doing half the time.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     I was not raised with a religion.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     never had one!
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     I believe that their spirit's watch over us.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     It cost for everything. to say goodbye, to make sure that they rest
in peace all cost money
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     You dont remember any grudges or why you were fighting with
anyone. all you remember is the Person you lost.....

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     When I went to call or write to my grandma. I would always want to
say "grandma and grandpa" and He wasnt there any more.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     the exerience is different every time and the signs are different.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     having a proportioned time by myself as well as with my friends
helped.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I never had this experience
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     I never had this experience
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I didnt have any unresolved issues with my grandfather.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     My grandpa would tell me that he is ok and in peace, with no pain. I
am supposed to live on and enjoy the rest of my life. When I die
we will be together again.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I have never experienced this

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I would want people to remember the good times. not the present
when i was dying. But all the laughs and even tears that we shared
in the past. Even dream of the future.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I want to know when I am going to die. I would like to die in my
sleep or in little pain. I would like to live long enough to raise
my daughter by myself.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     Mother, Independent, Hardworking woman. Lived a long sucessful
life. Leaving behind a daughter.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I will talk to my grandfather, when i am alone. There never is an
answer, but i feel better just talking it out....

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
    I cook now, which i didnt do, but my grandfather always did.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     no

       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Distractions 
     My parents  separated shortly after the death.

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    The Funeral 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I try to reach out to my friends and family now, when they experience
death.

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     this questionnaire made me cry all over again, but i think its good
sometimes. I made me remember of the times i try to forget.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 
             
See  Nov 03   contributions.
See  Oct 03   contributions.
See  Current  contributions.
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