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See Current contributions.
See May 03 contributions.
See Apr 03 contributions.
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Tue Jun 24 23:57:48 2003
F35 in Belmont, CA =USA=
Name: Lara
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
Yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 Years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: .
--Details:
His friend called me to report my father was missing. I remember
picturing his body rotting somewhere, but I thought that was just
from my fears, you know, the worst thing worries? I submitted a
missing person report to the local police, and searched for him. I
found his body in his storage room underneath his condo 5 days after
his suicide by carbon monoxide. He chose Easter, which was also my
birthday that year, as his last day alive. He was wearing exactly
what I reported him to be wearing. His body was starting to bloat. I
was traumatized for a long time after that, hopefully not any more.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our bodies and minds stop working, living, when our light dies,
and our presence becomes a memory. As fire continues to burn with
fuel, our participation in living, it dies without and turns to
coals, and then ash.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt this stickiness in "the air". A suffocating, smelly, stickiness.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather was sick with leukemia and an unknown illness,
possibly aids from a blood transfusion. It was 1980 and aids was
new to the world. We saw him grow weaker and weaker. They wouldn't
let me in to see him when it was really bad.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
we never expected it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it isn't "entertainment" or cool.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the offers of help and support from friends and family.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
A coworker who was so gentle with me, and helped with everything
he could. Always ready to listen, keep me focused, make me laugh,
and always checking in with me, even if it was just by eye contact.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The nightmares and PSTD. I had a problem with feeling his dead body
was following me everywhere.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Spend quality time with them to rehash the old days, or to say
things not said, or to just hold their hand. To help them do what
they need to do, but can't themselves. To help make their life
easier for them so that they can focus on whatever it is that they
want to do on their last days.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to ask for help, and they responded.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why my birthday?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
there has to be balance.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with him just because, and not to be in a hurry.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have the help and support of others.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
seeing the shirt I hated so much, that he wore, and thinking I'd
give anything to see him in it again.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I can't think of anything this very moment.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
hearing his favorite music to sing with, and hearing his voice
in the melodies. Remembering he is gone, and I can't re-tell a
funny incident.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I've had very vivid dreams of us together. Some were traumatic,
slowly they've been less so.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he did it at all, and that it was my birthday, and that his
note was not to us.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
throw a crying tantrum.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
shock and trauma.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
nothing. there was nothing they could do.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
none.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
it exists. they watch.
--Regarding MONEY:
I resented having to give 2/3 to two other children that never
bothered to meet their father, nor have they asked where his
remains are.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I wish there were more people. I wish I remembered an American flag
and other things.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
nightime.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
In my case, depression.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it all happens in my own time. Don't resist it, but allow it to
flow through you and don't apologize for behavior.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I believe he prevented a heavy bottle from falling on my head. I've
had to ask him to not scare me at night or in dreams. I've asked
his dead best friend to help me not be scared by him. The PSTD did a
number on me. I had to convince myself that "monsters" weren't going
to get me, otherwise I would have read about it in the newspaper.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Why? Have I done right by him?
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I don't know.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I've had dreams. One of them he wanted to come back, and I had to
tell him he couldn't, but he still tried. The more he tried, the
more his body would rematerialize. He wanted to drive his truck
which I now drive. I remember his hair was all dirty and oily.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't want to live very long and be old, sick, and having ot work
and live alone.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I don't know.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I keep his personal toys and gag items around. I had to make
peace with the room he died in. It took a long time before I'd
even approach the door, but slowly I became able to be in the room
alone. I also wrote a message to him high up on the wall where no
one would see it and be able to remove it.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I've become a hermit.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes, and no. The only person who was able to reach me has slowly
not been as attentive.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
Visitations to his grave to "discuss" things.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
Seeing my grandmother break down as his coffin was lowered into
his grave.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
My dad's best friends son who never knew his dad called me out of
the blue. He didn't know who I was, but I told him how he and I
were connected once I figured out who he was. I was able to tell
him about his father who had passed, and send photos so he could
see what his father looked like for the first time.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was spontanious, a God send, and genuine.
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Tue Jun 17 15:36:47 2003
F25 in hesperia, ca =US=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
class project for my psychology class
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 9 Years ago.
Cause of Death: A.I.D.S; Aged: 39.
--Details:
My uncle was very close to me and my brother. When we found out that
he was going to die because of A.I.D.S we were told to avoid him at
all costs. Later, when it was found out that we would not become
sick like him it was too late, he had died a few years before and
I think that was the main reason that I still hold onto any guilt
that I may have.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
What happpens to us when our bodies can no longer take care of us.
Even though death takes us away in the physical form it will not
take us away in the spiritual form.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very upset. I wondered why someone so nice and caring could be
taken from this world because of his sexual preferance. I almost
thought that this was his form of punishment for being gay.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
all of the support that our family recieved from my uncles friends,
and from other family members.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
what is deat, really?
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my uncle is no longer in any pain. He was always in so much
pain from the disease eating away at him. I will never forget
how his eyes held onto the pain even when he was trying to have a
good time.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mom was very supportive. Anytime I had a question she was there
to answer me to the best of her knowledge.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I will never see my uncle or hear his jokes or be able
to go out with him.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
make sure that you don't treat them any differently than you would
have treated them before they became sick.
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
look at how I treat people. Just because someone is differnt in some
way, that dosen't mean that I should avoid them. I may just end up
learnign some very valuable piece of information from that person.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my uncle actually died. I did not understand how he died, or what
actually happened to him in his final moments.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was my way of dealing with the stress of the moment.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
just be there for him a little more than what I was.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know him.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realise that one day I too wil be on the same journey as my uncle.
I really fear that day, how will my children cope with my passing?
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone you love and who has never done anything wrong has to
be taken from us so completly. Why does death really need to happen?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was never going to enjoy being his neice again. I would never
be able to talk to him or to go shopping or to the movies with
him again.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
one that I would never want to have again. My family and I were
always told to talk to my uncle through a plastic wall, we could
not hug him, or help him get a drink of water if he needed it.
That really bothered me, even to this day.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
everyone wanted a piece of what he owned or had in his bank account.
No one seemed to think twice about the fact that he had just
passed away.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
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Tue Jun 17 13:49:19 2003
F21 in Hesperia, Ca =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
class project
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Prof/Studies: Health Care
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 7 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 13.
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--Death Is:
Death is apart of life.. everyone knows it's going to come sooner
or later
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 13yrs old and i kept busy so i wouldnt think about it
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everyone crying and people saying it was better this was.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's life .. you where born then you die
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
he didnt suffer anymore
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The people around me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
you didnt have the person around anymore and it took a while to
get use to that
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
depends on the situation
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
live you life happy .. dont do something you dont want to do. you
only live once and you never know when the people around you are
going to go.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they die so young
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i laughed so i wouldnt cry anymore -- or i laughed so i could take
a break from crying
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to my friend, be more open, not be so serious
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be apart of there life
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people act like it never happened the day after the funeral
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
why have a 3 hours funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear a song that reminds me of them or a car they drove or the
way they smell
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I dont think it would be different b/c i moved away
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why people die period isnt fair
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die and not have worries
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
at the funeral ... i didnt believe it until i saw it
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
it could do so much better
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
cancer-- they could of tryed harder
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i had someone o express my thoughts to without wondering what they
were honeatly thinking while i was talking
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like you have extra support
--Regarding MONEY:
he was taken care of
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
all the people crying and no wanting to realize he isnt suffering
from cancer anymore
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
i cried as soon as i walked into the church but i couldnt cry at
home when i was told of his death
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
not having any energy .. saying u want to give up
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it takes awhile but it is a part of life.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he was happy when hr left us
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
fliping a toyota 4-runner made me realize how precious life is and
not to be so serious about dumb things
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
great -- we had a great relationship.no issues are stil out there
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that they are happy were ever they are
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
n/a
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i would just hope when i die that i am on good terms with everyone
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i kow i am going to die someday and it doesnt bug me because that
is a part of life
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
friend, cousin, daughter, and loved one.. tried to be the best to
people around her.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
looking at pictures, listening in your head to past conversations
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i am more open to change
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i just became closer with the friends i had
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Keeping Busy
didnt think about it
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
n/a
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me think about the good times
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Mon Jun 16 16:49:47 2003
F41 in newton, new jersey =usa=
Name: deborah
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Looking for informations on Death & Dying for a fellow RN
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Prof/Studies: RN
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Far to many to list, but "On Death & Dying" was a good starting point
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
E.Kubler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 12 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Antiphopholipid syndrome; Aged: 8 days.
--Details:
Ernest was born with ARGAR's of 9/9 (a scale used to determine
an infant's reaction to the first few minutes of life). Up until
his 7th day of life he was a normal infant, doing what infants
do, nurse, eat, urinate, deficate and sleep. At 7 days of age he
became ill and was 'coded' in an Air Force Medical Clinic. After
being stabilize he was transported to Loma Linda University. The
following 26 hours were spent doing tests while trying to maintain
my son's stability. On the 14MAR it was determined that he needed
surgery. The procedure was suppost to take over four hours. Ernest
was back in his room 45 minutes after they started. We were told
that there wasn't anything to do. So we chose to get the priest
in (who had baptised him the day before) to do the Right for the
Dying. From there we removed the ventilator and held him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
An end of the body's capacity to sustain life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Went thru all the stages, making serveral turn-arounds winding up
going thru the steps several times over
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The nurse that was caring for Ernest when he died. Having to tell
my children, as they were brought in that they had to say goodbye.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is as much a part of life as is birth. It can be very painful,
however, those that go on before us will be free of pain and any
physical limitation they suffered in their earthy body.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Again the nurse who cared for Ernest. The simpe act of handing me
a comb for his hair was incredibly helpful.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Immediately going to counciling, support groups and the friends
that went beyond their fears to step towards me with a hand extended
in love.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The loss of the dream(s) I had for this little boy. Also dealing
with people who didn't have the capacity to help.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Being new to Hospice nursing, I advice the family/friends to simply
be there. Hold a hand, comb hair, rub hands with lotion, & talk
to them. Talk about things they did and grant them permission and
encourage to let go.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Chose to take an experience such as this and make something possitive
happen. Granted it is not a replacement for him, however I hope that
in the job I now do I can make a difference in people's lives as well
as assist those that are approaching their jourbey to the other side.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
People would ask, "Where's the baby?" & I would ahve to tell them
he died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I'de do it all over again.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Made more time to appreciate his during his short life.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Grow from this, go to school get my nursing liscence & am presently
working two jobs. One as a cardiac nurse the other in a Hospice Unit.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Seeing the priest after the memorial service standing at the steps
of the alter of this huge church with tears streaming down his face.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am reminded of Ernest, his short life, or someone asks me about
how he died. (Am presently misty doing this)
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
There's a few parts to this. If he didn't die, but had all the
problems associated with his code or if the code didn't even
happen. I guess I think about the first part most. He would be
profoundly brain damaged, vent dependent, and on dialysis.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Reading in the paper about children that are abused, murdered or
about women that deliver children adicted to drugs.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Convey to a person the pain that is associated with the death of
a child. But I would NEVER wish this on anyone.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Was crying in the car with my husband, after walking out of the
hospital after his death.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Care and compassion
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Comfort ane the promise that I will be with him some day.
--Religious Affiliation:
Episcopalian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Energy that is housed in the body at birth and leaves at the moment
of death to a high dimention.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the true friends that were there
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the possitive growth that has come from it.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Breathing changed, the coloring of your loved one and the 'death
rattle'
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Do NOT allow anyone to tell you how to grieve. This is an intensy
personal situation. I would advise them to surround themselves with
people that love them warts and all.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
During a field CPR call I felt a very warm presence on my shoulder.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Therapy
This is a difficult question to answer, as there are so many facets
to my grief work. I sought out many different approaches and found
most of them helpful.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Sensitivities
People in general do not know how to deal with the berieved, it gets
even more difficult when it's a baby. Perhaps it's fear of saying
the wrong thing? Or is it the fear that they could be in my place?
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Mon Jun 16 12:12:45 2003
F33 in Bountiful, Utah =USA=
Email: <sharonbingham-at-mail.weber.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Child and Family Services
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
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--Death Is:
when the body and spirit seperate. The body is buried in the ground
or cremated. The spirit moves on to another level of being and
continues to learn and mature.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad but knew I would see her again in the future after my own
physical death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being grateful for the knowledge or beliefs I have about death.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
something to celebrate not be afraid of.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
memories, prayer, knowing there is spirituallife after physical death
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my belief system
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing the person being there in a physical body
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
give of your love and give them hope in their spiritual future
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my loved ones who have died
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
give more love, care less about appearances, be less afraid of life,
take more risks
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
answers to questions like what happens at death
--Religious Affiliation:
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
Also, prayer and my belief system
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
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Sun Jun 15 00:08:11 2003
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 Months ago.
Cause of Death: hear disease tha she didn't disclose to us; Aged: .
--Details:
she died while visiting my youngest 2 sisters
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--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i don'y know yet
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my mommy died
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be nicer, know that it wasn't just "pain" making her lips blue...i
was sooooo stupid! she was dying before me and i ignored it like
she wanted me to.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i wish with all my heart it could be!
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
freaked out ...screaming no. then the nest call was my siste
rsaying the priest is here..i want you to hear the laas rights
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
why! i need her so much every day
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
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Thu Jun 12 13:25:17 2003
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 40 Years ago.
Cause of Death: killed; Aged: .
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--Death Is:
another beginning of life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt shock and depresses
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
normal
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
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Wed Jun 11 02:36:28 2003
M49 yrs in Memphis, Tennessee =USA=
Name: Tim
Email: <phoenixorigin-at-yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
stumbled across site while searching for "physical signs of death"
info.
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Prof/Studies: Funeral Director, Hospice Volunteer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, seven Years ago.
Cause of Death: liver cancer; Aged: 74 yrs..
--Details:
quick demise, from diagnosis to death..less than 6 months. i lived
500 mi apart, which added to strain. not able to be directly involved
in caregiving.
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--Death Is:
the end of cognizent life, as we know it....it is the transition
from one consciousness to another.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was at my father-in-law's bedside...i sensed when Jesus passed
through & the final breath was drawn...others present were not able
to sense this, at the time
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
confusion, chaos and general state of disconnect from reality.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to discuss it without fear of ridicule...eliminate the "ghoulish"
taboo. More open discussion would seem to prepare for it, in
terms of having less fear of it & better relational finalities(both
w/others & self) There is a lot to be said for "learning how to die"
beforehand...may reduce stresss & tension allowing for more mental &
ephemeral freedom at time of physical death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
causes survivors to re-evaluate their purpose in the grand
scheme...calls us to recall our own mortality.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
church group i was involved with....Spiritual beliefs
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
overcoming the distance 'tween my father & me...also, i still feel
my mother compromised his comfort due to her frustration that he
died before retirement.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
touch, carress the person...verbalize that ur there & if they r
struggling, let them know it is ok to let go & rest. assure them
that they have earned that right. Assure them that everyone left
behind will be fine.
--[My Father-in-Law's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
used the opportunity to reassess my true contribution(or lack of)
to the hu,am condition.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my dad began focusing on his needs and upcoming exit while
ignoring(literally turning head away). I felt rejected..a feeling
never experienced from my dad before.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is a natural release of anxiety & tension...crying may not be
appropriate, at certain times.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk more candidly with him regarding his death
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
organize & make plans for disposition...selection of scripture
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
dying person refusing to eat
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i recall unexpressed feelings or thoughts
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
no physical condition to deal with(my ileostomy)...having total
synchronicity with equivilent entities while in the presance of
the Creator of all...total acceptance of/by others.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when the "good" die suddenly
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be at that place...but i am not willing to act...just dream
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Thank God the suffering is over(who's...mine or his?) i arrived at
my folks' house about 7 hrs following notification...still did not
seem "real". i had to go into the bedroom where there was no longer
the hospital bed, for tangible proof.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
genuine concern for the dying....there is still a smattering of
self-propagation
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
too little, too late, in my father's case. 2 days after my
mother agreed, he died. My father-in-law was in hospice...new
program...understaffed...bad scene. This was the experience
which convinced me that i could make a difference as a hospice
volunteer...one year as volunteer & still going!!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
assurance of a better world to come and hope of reunion with those
those gone before
--Religious Affiliation:
Protestant...United Methodist, by association
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
to be a common grounding(bond) from which we can not escape.
--Regarding MONEY:
not an issue...we were "provided for"
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i was amazed by the people from my past who surfaced.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
arranging the funerals long distance...i've been a funeral director
since the mid-1980's. it was surrealistic.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
lack of strength..lack of interest in world around...more
sleep............
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
there was no true delineation of stages....constant struggle of
intellect vs. emotion
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he never vocalized any experiences but i felt sure they were in
progress. My most recent hospice pt had various journies...her
family said she "was out of her head"....we talked about what she
was saying & they(family) realized it was dealing with persons in
her past.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
not personally
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
try to implement more deliberate communication with those i interact
with....keeping negativism down and encouraging any & all i can
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i did tell my dad that he knows we love him & r only trying to do
the best we know how...he smiled & nodded...I wish I had told him
that I can only hope to be "half" the man he is.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i very rarely dream of my dad but, quite often, meditate on the
type of counsel he would offer...followed by extreme sense of
assurance....i feel he is at work within me
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
whatever my wife wants....i'm to be universal organ donor, then
cremated. This runs counter to the world of post-death care of
which i am a part. oh, well..they'll just have to get over it!!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope it not a debilitating death...would like to have
relationships(w/others & myself) at a point where energy
will not be wasted on repair but spent on an active mental
control(guidance/recognition) & awareness of the transition to come.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
since i write them daily, just ideas will follow: loved & respected
life...was a servant in purest sense of word..encouraged & found
worth in all I met...casual demeanor set others at ease..no pretense
or BS
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
hearing those of others & sharing mine
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
not in my family..my mother-in-law & i r closer
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Funeral and Rituals
Being included in rituals & family gatherings helpped, as well
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
sometimes I felt as though certain subjects were too macabre to
be addressed
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I am currently & hope to continue to be reaching out to others..both
pre & post death. pre-death...people (caregivers) need to know what
physical changes to expect..most tangible to them...with guided
thought, they can(& do) realize the associated Spiritual/mental
transitions occurring simultaneously. Post-death...sometimes, they
need assurance that what just happened was natural and one of their
rites of passage towards a more complete existence for themselves.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
absolutely...anything to force us to re-express feelings is
positive...especially, since our attitudes can change, over time,
without our realizing it.
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Sat Jun 7 20:23:50 2003
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
looking for ebooks (free)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: lung disease; Aged: 60.
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--Death Is:
To breath feel and think no longer with the possability to feel
immense pain or looking like a peice of hamburger or something
else that graphic for people to remember you by when it ends--no
intelligent science to this
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was emotionally separated
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
intense sadness, end of all hope
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
This should be priority #1 period since, any intelligent person is
going to see their are no scientific answers to deal with this, just
the blue collar religious hype thing. From the outside looking in,
people look like stampeding cattle heading for the cliff and off
with nothing more than the spirit of imagination
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I believe I felt and still do his presence...most of the time
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My own internal survival skills
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
saddness...for all concerned
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
You need to be for yourself and whitness the reallity of dying so
your reminded of what you don't know and see if your priorities
are well adjusted
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
everybody who has an opinion uses spiritual imagination as fact
which destroys all human credibillty with any "allien"....
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
Deal w/ death? so...you can ...what?...live a full life?... get
through the day?...That question will not reveal any insight on
detail for the growth of an emotional state. I feel I have put
alot of the grieving process on hold. It could be a timing issue
for when I'm not depended on.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
The fact that its all about the unknown and no one has quite
figured out that #1 complex issue with-out the use of a good fairy
tale...makes everything else in life seem really unimportant when
you (STOP) to think about it.
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Fri Jun 6 17:58:34 2003
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ UseNet posting ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 Months ago.
Cause of Death: ACCIDENT; Aged: .
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
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Wed Jun 4 09:59:24 2003
F20 in toronto, ontario =canada=
Name: Misty
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: college student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 17.
--Details:
i was falleing in school, and had to finish my project to pass,
my friend called me to go out and chill and i said i was to busy,
next day i found out she killed herself 1/2 a mile from my house.
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--Death Is:
death is hard, painfull and sometimes intolerable it's like a
black hole in your heart, no matter what you do or how much u brase
yourself for it, it never gets any easier, and the pain never stops
hurting it just sits brewing until the next time then and on and
on till it's your turn to go, and only then does the pain stop.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cryed, i was only 6 and it was my grandmother
--That first time, how it happened was
my grandmother died in a cra accident
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the anger i felt at both her and myself. i blamed my self for a
long time, thought it was my fault that i could have saved her and
that made me mad, mad that i didn't even try to stop my best friend
from commiting suicide, mad that i put some stupid assignment over
my friend, but most of all mad that i didn't have stength to tell
someone when i knew what she was planing. i thought i could handle
it my self, and my mistake killed my best friend
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death isn't a toy, or a solution to problems, killing somebody cause
u don't like them or killing yourself b/c you had a bad fucking
day isn't cool or smart. we have to stop blaming movies and music
for society's problems and look to the root of the source
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing, i would rather have my friend then any shitty life lession
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
loosing my firend, i would take all the pain, and anger in my heart
for the rest of my life to see her again if only for a split second,
just to say goodbye and that i am sorry
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
life hurts, it's not fair or impartial and bad things do happen
to good poeple, but i would rather have had the experience of life
and getting to see the beatuty of earth and the poeple on it then
to miss out on it all because of pain, there is too much good to
let it all be spoiled by evil. u will get over this and u will be
10 times the person u were for it.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
cleaned up, changed my life round. i wasn't about to make the same
mistake she did, i refuse to put that much pain on people i love.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I went to the funeral and saw her family for the first time after
it happend, i didn't know what to say i thaught they hated me and
blamed me just like i did.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
stop her
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk with her family, we needed each other to get though it.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we all (her freinds)would go to her grave every night, we did it
for a week straight, sat there chilling, drinking and smoking. at
the end of the night we would throw all our roaches and the rest of
our alcohol on to her grave, it made me feel better like she was
gonna be alright cause we would always be there for her and know
she knew it. we still go there about 4 times a year just to say hi.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the funeral
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she died, that i lost my best friend, that i couldn't stop it...
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back and stop it
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
i was in class and my friend came in and told me, i got up to
leave but my teacher to me to sit back down, so i threw my chair
at her and to her to fucking sit on it, then i left the room and
booked it to my house and called her, i couldn't belive it was true,
i wouldn't believe it was true until her sister told me on the phone,
then i broke down and started to cry.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing i am atheist
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone was crying and saying ghey were sorry that if they had
known they would have helped, but that is plain and simple bull
shit, they wouldn't have done shit all, they didn't do shit all,
they were just trying to make themsleves feel better, they couldn't
care less about her.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would wnat to hear her say that she forgave me, and was proud of
me for changing my life around. and i would probably say you better
have a fatti waiting for me in heven with all the pot we've given u.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i have thought about my death quite often, maybe it's cause i have
a heart tumour,but i'm not scared of death it's just a new scene
with some old friends, i will however miss my family and friends
here but i will save them a good spot up on cloud 9.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
a beloved daughter and sister misty will be missed by all those
who knew her. Her free spirit will now have a chance to run wild
with out any obsticles. she has not had a perfect life but it was
perfect for her and she loved every minute of it. Don't cry b/c
misty has lost out on this world, cry b/c this world has lost out
on misty. our hearts are with you were ever you go. love always...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
we all (her freinds)would go to her grave every night, we did it
for a week straight, sat there chilling, drinking and smoking. at
the end of the night we would throw all our roaches and the rest of
our alcohol on to her grave, it made me feel better like she was
gonna be alright cause we would always be there for her and know
she knew it. we still go there about 4 times a year just to say hi.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
When she died we were both drug addicts (coke and herrorine) after
she died i went to rehad but i still go to her grave with a joint
and a beer every few months, i don't smoke the joint i put it in
the flower tube, then pore the beer on the grass next to it. and
it's like she's right there with me.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Another Death
hearing that somebody died is hard, watching somebody die feels
like u are dead to.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes very much so.
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See May 03 contributions.
See Apr 03 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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