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See Current contributions.
See Dec 02 contributions.
See Nov 02 contributions.
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Fri Jan 31 16:19:11 2003
F33 in Mt. Sterling, Kentucky =USA=
Name: Tonya
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Developmental Psychology Teacher
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Prof/Studies: Medical
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 8 Years ago.
Cause of Death: diabetes; Aged: 51.
--Details:
No
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A deep loss, that you can't describe. But, at the same time you
feel as though you will see them again, but you don't. Which causes
the hurt to start all over again at any time.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
really don't recall. I seem to block out any other death related
past before my father's. Shortly after my father's I lost my
grandmother, who was like a mother to me.
--That first time, how it happened was
My first death was incountered when I was in my late 20's. I lost
my father after a long time illness. The hardest part is I wasn't
there with him, and my guilt.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the sadness, and great loss of never seeing them again.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My friends and families support but above all, my mother who was
there through it all with me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Time and my mother.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The guilt.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just listen. Do not tell them things will be ok. Especially when
you have not experienced the loss.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Not only my Father, but also my grandmother. Don't let other's who
seem important at that time in your age take time away from those
who loved and brought you everything you needed.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there and talk to him or tell him all that I did wrong. Hold his
hand or anything. For my grandmother, just a personal "Thank You"
for all the love and care she had given me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my aunt who had held a grudge against my mother since their divorce
seemed to forgive her and lay her long held sword down. It was
always what my father wanted.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I least expect it. I can't attend other funerals or do "little"
things that remind me of them.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think this way.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I shouldn't have lost my Father and Grandmother at such an early age.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see them again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wasn't there. It killed me, I was alone in my apartment when I
received the call that my father was dying after I had been advised
by the physican that things would be fine.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
a basic thought, that NO doctor should advise one to stay in another
state if the possiblity of death is an option.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
Non-denominational...if you could call me affiliated at all.
--Regarding MONEY:
of unimportance.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
having to make the arrangements. With my father, the military
funeral was powerful, and with my Grandmother their was a HUGE
snow that prevented all from coming but the immediate family.
This is what she would have wanted.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I had no experiences.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My own guilt is something I will always have to live with. No one
can ever change the way I feel.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Sometimes I feel as though they are watching over me. I can't
explain it, but sometimes I see little signs that seem like they
could have only been sent by them.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
A living will.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am extremly afraid of death. I am not sure if it would be best
if I were to know or not. Sometimes I think that I would want to
know to say things to loved ones, but at other times the fear would
eat me alive.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She always cared about people, and never wanted to hurt or
dissappoint anyone she touched in her life.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
Lack of visiting/caring for my father when he was ill and well.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was just painful.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I really thought most of the questions were very well done, even
though they are painful. I really never thought this would be
so painful and if I had thought it would I probaly would not have
participated.
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Thu Jan 30 15:00:18 2003
F18 in Texas =USA=
Name: Erin
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
Developmental Psychology Class project
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 6.
--Details:
He fought it into remission several times for two long years,
until it finally came back in his brain.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
leaving this world to go to a much better place
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had a very hard time because he was so young!
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not believing that it had actually happened. It was the hardest
thing I have ever had to deal with in my life
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that many families in our church slowed down their lives to spend
more time with their kids. There was also a program put into
several elementary schools in my city that helps parents read to
their children and spend more time with them
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I would see him once again in Heaven
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I wouldn't get to hug him, see his beautiful smile,
or hear his perfect laughter for a very very long time
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
give him another hug and tell him I loved him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
hug him a few days before he died. It was the last time and he had
lots of cords and tubes coming out of his tiny body, but I hugged
him and told him I loved him, and I'm glad I did
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear of other children who have neuro blastoma-that's the kind
of cancer he had and it's one of the hardest to treat
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he was so young and innocent and yet had to die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn't believe it had really happened. I wanted to wake up from
a horrible dream and know that he was normal and healthy just like
he used to be
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
respect-they did all they could, and there were no other options
left when it came back in his brain
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything
--Religious Affiliation:
current-Christian-non denominational
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
when we went to the cemetary in the procession, we were one of
first 10 or 12 cars, and when we looked down the highway on the
access road, there was no end to the line coming down the road. We
could see for over a mile, and couldn't see the end of it. That's
how many lives he touched in his short 6 years.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
he showed signs of death because he got a little crazy and said
weird things and was drifting in and out of consciousness
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
a couple of days before he died, his dad and uncle were sitting
in his room, and his eyes got glazed over and he stared into the
ceiling. He said "dad, it's so bright in here, can't you see it, it's
so bright". The room hadn't changed and he didn't remember it later.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
We joke around that anything that breaks and is funny is because he's
there. He always liked to play jokes on everyone and never missed an
opportunity. Right after he died, his mom's microwave broke and the
light came on sometimes at night by itself. We joked around that it
was him making his presence known. When they had to get a new one,
it did the same thing only a month or so after they had it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not worried about my own death because I know I am going to
Heaven when I die.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
My sister and I had a bake sale for the family and raised over a
thousand dollars for their medical bills. It really helped us feel
like we had a part in it.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I liked this survey because I'm horrible at expressing my feelings
verbally and always find it useful to write things down. I do it
quite often to vent and not keep it bottled up inside.
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Thu Jan 30 13:07:30 2003
F19 in Waco, Tx =U.S.A=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
developmental pysch class project
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Prof/Studies: nursing student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 10 Years ago.
Cause of Death: driving accident; Aged: 15.
--Details:
He was riding along with some of his friends down a country road
when the driver lost control of the car and hit a telephone pole.
Jason was ejected out of his seat and got caught on the wires.
He got electrocuted to death.
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--Death Is:
the end of a material life and the beginning of a new life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and hugged my dad.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my dad crying and me not being able to stop him
--What I think my (U.S.A) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it really isn't as sad as it seems.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a new greater love for life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that i would never see my brother again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
things will get better
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Funeral and Rituals
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Thu Jan 30 11:07:28 2003
F39 in San Jose, CA =USA=
Name: Peg Rein
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Mom and Wife
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, Days ago.
Cause of Death: massive stroke; Aged: 70.
--Details:
She was taken off a blood thinner for a routine colonscopy, there
was a 4% chance of stroke and she had a massive stroke, from which
she never came out. She died four days later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Ending life as you know it and moving forward into a different type
of experience without pain, hunger or unhappiness.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was about 22 and it was my grandma, my mom's mom. She too had
strokes, but survived. She was wheel chair bound for four years
and due to that experience, neither of my parents wanted to be on
respirators at any circumstance.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My children (6 & 8) and I saw my mom for two hours prior to my
mom's death. I sang to her, talked with her and cried with her.
My dad stopped by and so did her best friend. Finally, I told her
that my siblings, dad and I would be okay if she chose to go to
heaven (it's a total lie) and we left. An hour later we got the
call that she died.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is just a passage to heaven. We all need to understand that,
then death is not scary.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my mom is a loving, nurturing wonderful woman, and now she is doing
the exact same things in heaven.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
there are a lot of web site devoted to grief and it is easy to
connect with someone who has also lost a mom, part of the initiated
club...motherless daughters. Then you have someone to discuss the
same issues with, no one else understands unless they have lost
the exact same member
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Everyone says grief takes time, well, how much time? I can't
move forward and pour the creamer in my coffee! I can't sleep, I
can't eat. I miss my mom so much I feel pain physically. None of my
friends have gone through the loss of a mom so they don't understand,
my siblings had a different relationship with my mom and they
don't understand. No one feels any one else's pain, it's all a lie.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Hold their hand and talk, you may think the dying person can not
hear you, but still talk. I'm grateful that I had the last two
hours with my mom and that my kids were in the room.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
people say I'm "strong", but it's a sham. I'm not strong, I want
her back, healthy and fit. I miss her and am not ready to be out
her on the earth without her.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she died. How could she raise five children and be married for
nearly 52 years. It all went so quickly. I miss her and need her.
I don't feel I can raise my two kids without her.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
My family laughs all the time. We're just funny people, mom was
always laughing at us and what we did.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
nothing. I'm better on the phone calling people to tell the news.
I would have been awful for my dad to have around asking questions
about mom's death. It was bad enough calling my siblings and
telling them about mom.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Reach everyone and during my calling my two great friends called
me to check in and I was able to tell them. It was serendipity
that they called as I wouldn't have been able to tell them for a
few more days.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Prior to her stroke, she sent "messages" for three of five kids and
her husband through my brother's best friend. The message for my
dad was "I chose you as my husband" and the others were otherwise
special family messages, but she did it even prior to her stroke,
I think she knew she would die.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
That she didn't hurt at all. She was on a morphine drip the entire
time after the stroke.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see that my kids (6&8) will never know my mom as their grammy
like I knew her. They'll just have stories from their aunt and
uncles and grandad.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I live in Seattle and my parents live in San Francisco, if she was
still alive I would want to live down in SF
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That I had her for only 39 years, I'm not ready to be out on my
own now.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
curl up and sleep
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
with my sister, Karen, when the doctor called and told us.
Karen tried to call my dad at the church and didn't reach him so
she left me to call everyone and went to get dad so they could
"sign papers" at the hospital. It still seems unreal.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
irresponsibility. Her doctors should have performed her colonscopy
in the hospital since they took her off the blood thinner and knew
she had a family history of stroke, and the procedure had a 4%
chance of stroke.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I'm very in touch with my church. As soon as my dad called, I called
my church, and two other churches to put my mom on the prayer list.
The church has helped my family heal more than any other thing
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist, Presbeterian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
There is one heaven and Jesus Christ and God rein supreme over it.
If you accept Jesus as your Lord and master, you will be brought
to heaven to live there, if not you will live in hell forever
--Regarding MONEY:
My parents are solvent and my dad took care of the finances of my
moms burial
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
We had two services because my mom was so loved, one just for her
children and grandchildren and one for extended family and friends.
It was amazing to see how many people her life touched.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Just daily thinking that she is gone
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
low urine output and intense color, which she had the day I last
saw her with my kids
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it's an individual process I would tell my friend to stay longer if
I felt the person was imminently dying, and I would begin preparing
meals and I would tell about last two hours with my mom and share
web site information.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My nephew, Keenan, was in the hospital room with my sister and felt
two angels in the room with my mom. One waiting for mom and one
protecting all of her children.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel that I had a chance in my last two hours to finish everything
with my mom. She was proud of my parenting and that made me feel
special. I do plan on seeing a grief therapist though
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I hear her saying "I love you, too" and it makes me cry and hurt
so much. The last thing I said to her was "Ma, your breath is kind
of stinky" and I know she would have laughed at that, because she
hated bad breath.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My favorite Uncle, Don Blake, died in 1991. In 1995, I wrote a
book and dedicated it to him and was thinking of Uncle Don a lot.
One night I had a dream that I was following Uncle Don through a
building of open doors. Each open door kept getting progressively
lighter and lighter. I kept calling to him "Uncle Don, wait up.
I miss you and I want to be with you." His answer back was, "No,
it's not time yet." I was pregnant with my second child and my
older child was but yet a toddler. That dream is still very vivid
to me and I still miss that man a lot.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My mom was given "comfort care" during her last two days of life,
just morphine and saline and we waited for God to take her to heaven.
That was my parent's wishes and that is mine and my husband's wishes,
but in actuality it is VERY hard to do
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My mom always prayed that she would live at least until her
youngest, me, was two. I'm now 39, so I guess God felt it was time.
I'm okay to go to heaven to be with her,but I would rather wait a
while longer. My kids are young and I have so much to teach them
and share with them.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Peg understood love, she cared for those around her and helped out
whenever she could. In her dreams, she always wanted to be like
her mom, a wonderful woman full of value, gifts and joy, faithful,
trusting and caring.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I plan on writing in a journal letters to my mom, and I plan on
writing a book about her.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I think that I "care" more deeply about my friends than I did before.
I definitely tell them that "I love you" more than I did before,
same with my family members
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I do have a special friend that I count on for comfort, he's been my
friend for a few years now. I consider him a rare jewel of a friend
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
My father didn't want me to come visit on 1/17/03 I had to wait
until the next day.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
The web sites have been helpful. Contacting people who have lost
moms is helpful, because losing a sibling is totally different than
a mom.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me express more about my mom and that is better for me
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Mon Jan 27 07:07:08 2003
F41 in Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Taking a course through Athabasca University/this web site mentioned
for one of our assignments/Course deals with humans and their
interaction with computers
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, Years ago.
Cause of Death: accident (hit by train); Aged: 8.
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--Death Is:
The end. No longer do we have the opportunity to enjoy our loved
ones on earth. Death is final.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was stunned. It was hard to believe it was happening.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the sense of loss and finality of it all.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is okay to grieve and that we all grieve in different ways
and for different lenghts of time. There are no and fast rules in
terms of grieving in my books.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how fondly we remember the person who has died. I think it's a
nice tribute to the person when their name comes up in conversation
after their death. Some people are afraid to bring up the person's
name but I find it a way to remember, and honour our loved ones
who are gone. It usually puts a smile on my face when their name
comes up and we share a warm, happy memory.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the presence of family and friends. I have never been alone in
my grief in the death of a loved one (it is something other family
members were dealing with as well).
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing the person is gone forever! I no longer have the opportunity
to talk to them. I will not see them again until I die.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't be afraid to express your feelings. In our society it can be
taboo to be honest and tell the person how we feel. Don't be shy -
express your feelings because if the end is near, the opportunity
will be gone soon, and forever.
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Often,it is not until someone dies that we realize the true impact
they had on our life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't find it to be a confusing time.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that would be nerves and a general nervousness.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say Good Bye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with the family and we could all offer each other support.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize that eventually, all of us will die. We don't know who
will go first, second..... or when. We could have decades left or
days, no one knows.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
This is not something I do. Although I may not like some things
that have happened, I accept them.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I've learned that eventually, we learn, things have happened for
a reason. Although we may not understand at the time, at some
point it makes sense.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
can't believe they are gone. It all happened so fast (a drowning
accident for my uncle at our cottages and everyone was present.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They do their best. They are NOT God. There is a date, time picked
out for all of us and when it's our time, it's our time. Period.
There is a higher being than us.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Since I believe after earth we move on to heaven, it's comforting
to belong to a church.
--Religious Affiliation:
Anglican
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how dignified everything was. I have grown up with a family that
owns a funeral home here in town, and I used to spend a lot of
time there (my girlfriend whose family owned it) worked there and
on weekends in high school we would stop by and visit her, have a
pop.... so I got quite comfortable with the place.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The wake. At first I didn't understand the purpose of it but as I
get older I realize that we need to see the person, or attend the
ceremony so that the person's death becomes real to us. It's a
way of accepting and it's closure for me.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
as cliche as it may be, "time does heal all wounds." This doesn't
mean we should forget the person who died, just that we can remember
them with less pain in time.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
To me regret is a useless emotion. Since no of us can change the
past, I think it best to try to do better in the future (try to
be a better, kinder person to all). I think the person who died
will be aware of our actions and appreciate that we have learned
something from the experience.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want to know how they are doing. Is "heaven" what they
thought it would be? Better? Worse?
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Happened to my brother. Our uncle came to visit him in a dream and
he asked that he let everyone know that he was okay.
Also, years
ago, after the death of my 5-year old cousin, my cousin "came back."
His parents' house was on fire (they were home along with their
remaining two children). David stood beside his Dad (my uncle)
and said "Dad, you need to get up, get up...") Prior to this, no
one in the house was aware of the fire (electrical that started
downstairs). My uncle quickly wakened his wife and children who
had to crawl on the floor and outside a window to get to safety.
They credit David with saving them.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I feel a will is very important and have always ensured that it
is up-to-date with my wishes. If someone has specific things they
want in place - GET IT IN WRITING AND TELL YOUR LOVED ONES!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would want to be prepared mentally/emotionally and be accepting.
Most importantly, I would want to prepare my children and husband
for my death. (
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I really don't care what would be written about me. But, I would
want those close to me to remember me for certain things.... my
honesty, sense of humour, and that despite a divorce, my former
husband and I always put the children first and maintained a solid
relationship so that they would have the benefit of both parents.
Even with both of us remarried, we put the children first. In their
words, we just have more people that love us.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Sometimes I talk to them (either through prayer or just a simple
conversation)/
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
I cried every night for weeks over the loss of my dog.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
Not sure if anything, other than everyday life got in the way of
dealing with the death.
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Fri Jan 24 02:00:56 2003
F19 in pgh, PA =USA=
Name: Stephanie
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: none/unemployed
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More personal info:
I do not believe in God, or the afterlife.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 7 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure.; Aged: 76.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The failure of the human body. Such as, when a mechanical device
stops working. The human body stops working, however it cannot be
fixed when completely dead.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was not very effected, because I was not very close to the person.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my grandfather. I didn't talk to him much, so I wasn't very
close to him. Therefore, I took it ok.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My family dog dying. We all cried together. Many days after her
death, I would sit in bed and cry because I missed her.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It's natural, and I believe no one has a soul, when a body dies,
it's just a body. Always has been. That person is dead, and they
can't hear you anymore.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My dog was out of her misery. She was sick and old.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My friends at school. Keeping myself busy.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Being alone, and giving myself time to think about it and get sad.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
You don't need words. Just a kind hug works.
--[My dog's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Moved on, but did not forget.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Its hard to realize that person no longer exsists.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
no answer.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Realized I would never see them alive again.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
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Tue Jan 21 21:50:48 2003
F20 in Okabena, MN =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: College student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
?
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
?
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 69.
--Details:
She was fine and went to bed and she did not feel well so they took
her to Rochester MN and she died there.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When life ends and your body gets burried in the ground but your
soal goes to heavan where it joins with loved ones and it is always
peaceful there for all eternity.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young and did not know my great grandmother very well but mom
was sad do I was sad too. I knew I would not see her again.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The shock of the death it was sudden and unexpected, yes she was
old but not sick or anything. Then I remember all of the neighbors
bringing over food and cakes.(our town has 185 people)
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is a big deal to take a life. people kill all the time for
money and personal reasons, they need to realize the value of life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The way it brought everyone together for support.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Family and friends. Also the funeral helped it brought
closeur(spelling?)
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that my loved ones as well as I will die someday too.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Tell them you love them and let them talk if they can. Otherwise talk
about the good old times, the stories that will never be forgotten.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Learned god does not give you anything you can't handle and to go
another day.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I wondered what is happening to them now and I wonder if they are
watching out for me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
When you talk about the past some stories are fun, it is ok to laugh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say goodbye, I heard my parents say grandma is sick and leave but
It was late and I was mostly asleep, the next morning I found out
she died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
make it through
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
We had dinner at the leigon hall after the funeral, it was like a
final coming together and was comforting.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Paul bearers(spelling?) sure it matters at the time but is carring
a dead person really that great
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think that someday I too am going to die, it scares me
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Sometimes I miss my grandparents but I just makes me talk to the
ones I still have more often.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why can't we all stay on earth forever.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
not have to face reality. When I am really stressed or upset I
drink with friends and forget about everything.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
shocked and then I cryed and went to bed I layed in bed and cryed
myself to sleep in the middle of the afternoon. then when I woke
up I went to get together with the rest of the family.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Apprieciation, they did their best.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
NA
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A conforting safe enviroment that gave me hope
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a coming together no matter what religion we all feel sad and
lost without our loved one.
--Regarding MONEY:
The towns people thought we inherited alot and they started rumors.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How caring and thoughtful everyone was
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
after the funeral at the dinner, I was a strange sort of peace and
acceptance I felt.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
NA
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
NA
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
NA
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
NA
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would think that we would just say I love you and she would assure
me she was ok and that she was in heavan
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
NA
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
When I die as long as everyone knows I love them I really don't
care who has my things, I would want each person to have what is
special to them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be terrified if I knew I would die soon. Their are so
many questions about the other side and so much I want to do in
life. I do not want to die and never accomplish anything, never
make a difference.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I would want to be sure they remembered my smile and laugh and all
the good times we had. I would hope they would say I was a good,
kind and loving person.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
The funeral provided the most closer, I knew for sure he was gone.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I pray more and try to remeber god.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no, but our family is closer
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Guilt
Family and neighbor support
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
Actually fear of eternity, when everything ends we will still
be there.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I would reach out by simply listening to the person sometimes that
is all you need to do.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes it was helpful, even thoough it is something I prefer not to
think about
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
NA
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Tue Jan 21 10:54:30 2003
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
--That first time, how it happened was
Father Died when i was 9
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Therapy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
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Sun Jan 19 13:15:14 2003
F Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 47.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
final, an ending to the ways once were.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young. I didn't really understand what was happening to
her, until she was dead. That's when I finally understood what
death was about.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how she looked so different in her coffin. It looked as though
all of her pains were gone and she was finally at peace.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
there is no escaping it, so we should no longer deny that it
will happen.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
once the person is in fact dead, it is as though all of their pains
and worries are lifted away. It is nice to know that they are no
longer in pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family and friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing how final it is, and remembering the things you wish you
would have said but didn't.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
showing them happy pictures to remember the good times of their life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the dying person talks with people who have previously died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was another form of letting my emotions be released from
me... crying feels good, as does a huge laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the funeral director took my brother, sister and I down to see the
horses. He could see our distress of trying to be strong for all
of the people that were around and needed to get out of that world
for a little while.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
shoveling dirt onto the grave with everyone else.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of my life alone.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that other's lead a lazy or bad life, hurting others in their path
and they are still here, while she helped others and volunteered
with the handicapped, and she is gone.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see them again
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went to school and my teacher wasn't there. Then we had a video
biography on his life and all of us students were in it. We also had
a moment of silence for him. It was hard when you are that young.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they do their best, and in some situations their best is enough,
in others it is not good enough.
--Religious Affiliation:
Brethern In Christ
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it helped people to let go of that person.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a loss of light in their eyes
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories to hold
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Sat Jan 18 21:01:21 2003
F24 in Suffolk County, New York =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Browsing through research sites
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Prof/Studies: Paralegal, preparing for law school
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More personal info:
I DO NOT want my email address going anywhere other than your site.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: unknown; Aged: .
--Details:
Additionally to the above mentioned death expereience (which was
my first actual experience) I will now focus on my second death
experience, my other grandfather, which was much more heartbreaking
to me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Moving on to your chosen place of eternal life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was prepared for it a few prior to its occurence. I had began to
develope a spiritual relationship with God, and one day I began
to appreciate my grandfather's presence. I began to realize that
he would not be around forever, not in a morbid way, but I began to
value his life more.
So a few years later, he became ill, in and out
of the hopsital. But, I spent all the time I could with him. I even
traveled to NYU on my first mother's day to be by his side. When the
time came, I was prepared. I had prayed with him several times. So I
was assured that he had made peace with God, and had accepted Jesus.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The wake. The vision of actually seeing him in such a state.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Stop having wakes. I think it is sick and twisted that one would
wish to see their loved one laying before them dead.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That he accepted Jesus, so he will not be in darkness. I made sure
to share my faith with him.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
God
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I really miss his company. He was the most treasured family member
to me. I miss having a grandfather
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To shed light on a dark situation. To be create an atmosphere
of joy. To share God with them. This life is temporary, and so
is suffering.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Just by appreciating him with all my heart and knowing that I was
there for him to the best of my ability eased the pain.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I do not recall feeling confused at all. The process of death is
cut and dry to me. I understand why it happens.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did not feel the urge to laugh. Although I has accepted what was
going on, I knew how I would miss him.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I don't think this question would help one's recovery process. I
feel that if we were meant to look back in such a fashion our eyes
would have been on the back of our heads.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Share Jesus with him.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a certain song I knew he like, or play a card game he like. I
really enjoyed his company.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My ability to control my thoughts has grown immensely, so I know
that this, again, is not a good question. It does not ease any type
of pain.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I try not to think this way. God is the giver and taker of all
life, and I feel to ask this is to question the justness of His
decisions. I mean, who are we to judge God! He did not promise us
rose gardens on this earth - it is the promise of heaven where we
will be in complete joy.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I just get sad, I miss him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I felt no control over the situation.
I felt helpless.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The doctors never agree. They all lean to their own understanding
and interpretation of the medical knowledge and one will see ehat
another will not.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
N/A
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Religion to me is such a man made term. I think it simply boils
down to just saying, hey God show me who you are and lets have
a relationship.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am a Christian.
I read and study my bible daily. I am getting to
know Jesus by reading of his character, and by His spirit in my life.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I KNOW that no one passes unto heaven without going through Jesus,
and without accepting him. It is clear in book of John in the Bible,
Chapter 3, verse 3. Why would you ger to go to heaven, a miraculous
place built by God, without ever have knowing him?!
--Regarding MONEY:
N/A
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Feeling the joy that I had brought his soul to Jesus by all of
our prayers.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I just prayed a lot. And Gos really hears you, I experienced such
a comfort that I know did not come from anywhere but a suoernatural
higher power.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
There is an enemy out there too, things are not always as they seem
to be. People with weak minds are often the evil one's playground.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
No
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
We were in perfect state.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I do not believe this happens, pursuant to the word of GOd.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I do not want a wake service, I do not want people to actully see
me dead. I think that is a horrible form of torture society puts
themsleves through. I understand that it brings closure for many,
but if we were all saved from the pit of hell and knew that we were
going to heaven, we would not seek closure so desperately because
we would be assured that we will meet up again in heaven.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would feel concerned for the love ones I would leave behind,
especially my daughter.
But I would feel comfort in knowing that
I would be with my savior! I would go home to God, where all is
perfect and beautiful.
The purpose of this life is a trial run to
determine where you will be for your eternal life. We are faced
with choices on this earth, which will elad us into our final
destination. People often say, Oh i am not a murdered, i'm a good
person, I am going to heaven. Guess what, without Jesus you are not
going to heaven. He is the mediator. We are found guilty of sin,
but we get to God through him.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
That I truly cared and made them feel loved.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
That I will see him again in heaven.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
He lived far, I did not see him often anyway, so I pretended that
it did not happen
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I mainly filled out this questionnaire to share what I know
is the truth about death. I have coped rather well with my own
experiences. The truth sets one free.
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Sat Jan 18 13:20:48 2003
F27 in apple valley, california =US=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
psyc class
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 13 Years ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 65.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
final stage of ones life that you do not return from. It is also
a new life with God.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I would never see that
person again.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the sorrow that everyone felt. The realization that the persons
life was over and done.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
What you do in life reflects on your spirit after death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The time that these people were in my life although some may have
been for shorter times then others I take with me all my experiences.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
taking the time to get over it
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I still feel that I havent really got over it yet.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to let them know they will not be forgotten
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
still live my life and go on.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the death didn't happen right away, it came after a few weeks
of suffering.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
sucks
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to tell him more that I loved him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see him before he went.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the helpfulness from the hospital
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what everone else thought
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i smell someone with the same smell they had
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think that I wouldn't feel as abandoned as I do now
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the person had to go.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sit alone bymyself and cry
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
loved one my reaction was that I didn't believe it
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
hope and concern for the families.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
wasn't involved.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
The fact that my grandfather would be with God and everything would
be alright.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am a practicing Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that he as ascended into heaven
--Regarding MONEY:
there wern't any issues regarding money.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I didn't atend the funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the finalization of death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
not applicable
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I had to remember the wonderful time that I had with that person.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
not happened
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My afairs with this person were good and I have no unresolved issues
with that person.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
letting me know everything is going to be ok
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Yes, I had a dream about 1 year after the death of my Grandfather
and I was crying in my dream and he came up to me and told me
everything was going to be alright and touched me on the shoulder.
If felt so real, I could smell him and if felt like he was standing
right infront of me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
tell people you love them
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
dont want to know
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
have no idea
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Don't have any
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I pray everyday for the health of my freind and family and the
peace for everyone on earth.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i haven't had anyany
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
none
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
no
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
none
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Fri Jan 17 20:00:26 2003
F25 in Finger Lakes, NY =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Yahoo Entertainment link
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Dealing with Separation & Loss (?)
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Claudia Jewlett (?)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 20 Years ago.
Cause of Death: spinal menegitis; Aged: 8 months.
--Details:
One morning we woke up and he was dead. He had a high fever that
night, but my mom gave him tylenol, and it went down. She put him
to bed, but he never woke up the next morning.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when you are no longer alive - you don't breathe, your body is no
longer animated, you can no longer have an effect on the people
around you.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was mostly scared that it would happen again to someone else I knew.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Sneaking into the bedroom, and lifting up the blanket to see my
brother - to check and see if he really was dead. When I lifted
up the balnket, he was so silent and still, I was frightened and
ran from the room immediately.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
what really does happen afterwards
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
no comment
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the passage of time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
figuring out what happened next.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my brother grow older. My mom had another baby the following
year, and my brother and I grew up very close. I think it was
in part because I was always afraid that I would lose him too.
Sometimes I think about how things would be different if my brother
Kevin was still alive, how the family dynamic would be different.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Make him laugh for the last time. I was jump-roping in the house
and he laughed and laughed.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I saw his body. It really made me understand that he was really
dead, and he wasn't coming back.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about the way my family changed due to the death, and how
things might be different now if he hadn't died.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
satisfaction. The doctor told my mom to give him tylenol for the
fever, and it worked. There was no reason for my parents to be
alarmed, or at least it seemed.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic, Baptist, Agnostic
--Regarding MONEY:
We didn't have money to bury him, and my parents had to ask my
grandparents for the money to have him creamated.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The lady that delivered him was there. She asked me if I remembered
her, and I didn't. She told me who she was and gave me a hug.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
it seemed so surreal, like it wasn't happening.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I was in a car accident, and when the truck hit the car, everything
just seemed to slow down, and almost bow out, like I could see
everything from above, but when the truck swerved, and just smacked
the rear end of the car, it was like everything snapped back into
real time.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
no
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
That I am an Organ & Tissue donor, and I always remind others that
I want to be a donor.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would just hope that people remembered that I did the best that
I could, with what I had, for as long as I was able.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She was a good mom, and a dependable person. Someone whose life
was destined to be this way.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Every year on his birthday, I just take a moment to think about
him and say happy birthday.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I definitely became closer with my other brother.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Dissociation
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I am a little sad, remembering it. I was so small and scared
back then.
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Thu Jan 16 15:50:33 2003
F28 in leeds, =england=
Name: sara
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: mother
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More personal info:
i would like someone to talk to
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: debatable/cotdeath; Aged: 33 days.
--Details:
i dont know but she had a hole in her heart like my brother i
dont understand
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a disconnection of the worst kind
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
blamed myself for years that death was irreversable
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
wanting to die for letting my baby die
--What I think my (england) culture needs to better learn about death is:
the pain does not go away and people need to grieve
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my babe can never be hurt by the hand of man and im very grateful
for that
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
friends on the net and writing poetry
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
having to accept that it is irreversable and having everyone tell
you its time to stop grieving
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to not be afraid of loving and holding them or not saying goodbye
it is important
--[My Daughter's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
i can see life at a different angle than some i treasure things
more and know whats important and whats not
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the police treated me like a criminal and her autopsy made no sense
and it still doesnt,there is no real answer to why she died
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i was the opposite of this i never laughed
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
take more photos and ,make more memories not go round every doctor
demanding they check her over
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get the funeral and everything the way i wanted and that i read
the poem i wrote in church
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my two yr old daughter with no knowedge or undertsanding told me
that beth was a twinkle star
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the fact i had other children to lok after i did know! but mourning
my loss was important
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i will never be over this and wouldnt for one single moment think
i was
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i dont know its too painful to think about
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
kids who are mistreated dont die yet beth did
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hold her
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
i should have heard her cry i should have been able to do something
she was in my arms next to my ear i am a bad mother and deserve to
be punished
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they took too long and were very rude i have no faith in them they
lied to me i hate them
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
someone to blame
--Religious Affiliation:
aethiest
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i think her spirit lives on but pain free as all people who die
--Regarding MONEY:
we needed money to bury her i would have spent the earth
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was nearly empty but the people who mattered most were there it
was nice
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
a premonition of her death at 16 weeks pregnant
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
listen to your visions and inner voice
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
poetry helps the stages i dont know what they are because theyve
mingled into a long time
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my babe is with my grandad i saw it
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i want to know if she really does blame me and i will search the
earth for a proper medium till i know
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would say that i would do anyhting to let her live and say i love
you and ask if i was to blame
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
im scared
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
a good mother great poet and and a lifelong friend
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
lighting a candle and thinking of her it meant i hadnt forgotten
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
still light candles write letters and cards
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
mmm not really
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
dont really know lots of things
guilt
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
having someone to talk to,now i lend an ear to anyone
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
got me thinking dont know how i feel right now
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Thu Jan 9 22:33:48 2003
F35 in Beatrice, Nebraska =U S A=
Name: Amy
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 Weeks ago.
Cause of Death: complications after a ruptured aneurysm; Aged: 61.
--Details:
Mom had an aneurysm rupture April 23, 2002. The doctors wanted
to do surgery and we signed the consent forms. Had we known the
extent of the damage done we never would have signed them. But
things happen for a reason and maybe God knew we were'nt all ready
to let her go. She passed away December 20,2002. Her body couldn't
go anymore. She died at home surrounded by her family. I know she
suffered for the 8 months after the rupture(she was trapped in a
body that no longer worked) she was aware and alert some of the
time. God was merciful at the end and I will always be grateful for
the months that I had with her and the opportunity to tell her how
much I loved her and how proud I was that she was my mother.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of one existance and the beginning of another. It is an
imoprtant part of living and can be as beautiful as birth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a very young child, and it was a very secretive thing in my
family. My grandfather died when I was 5 years old and while I have
very vivid memories of him,(because he was a constant in my life)I
have no memories of his death. I now know that he was sick for a
very long time. I was never told this at the time and then one day
he was just gone. No explanation. I think that is more traumatic
for a child than death itself.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The felling of hoplessness, not about the fact that mom was
dying, but because there was nothing I could do to alleviate her
suffering. And the suffering of my family affected me deeply.
--What I think my (U S A) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it does not have to feared. It does not have to be scary. And
while we can never truly be ready to lose someone we love, and our
hearts will be heavy because of the loss, death itself does not
have to be sad. It is not an ending but a new beginning.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The peace and tranquility I saw on my mothers face after she had
passed. The aneurysm had caused a massive stoke and extensive
bleeding in her brain so her right side was completely paralyzed
and her left side was partialy paralyzed. As a result of this,
her face was somewhat mishapened and because of the constant pain
I am sure she was in, her beautiful face was always twisted. Just
moments after she passed, she once again looked like my beautiful
mother. She looked like she looked before the stroke. She looked
peaceful and happy.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family, the hospice nurses, and knowledge. I spent every moment
that I wasn't caring for my mother researching her condition and
what to expect at the end. I wanted to know what we were facing
and what I could do to make her a comfortable as possible. This
knowledge was probably the reason I was able to deal with the
final days. There were no surprises and as things were happening
I was able to deal wirh them and tell my family exactly what was
happening and what we could do to help her and each other through it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
g good-bye to my mother and reassuring her that we would be o.k. I
wanted her to have peace of mind and know that we would make it
through it and would take care of each other. No matter how prepared
we think we are, we are never ready to lose our mother.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Make sure you say everything you need to say, and give your loved one
the opportunity to do the same. Tell them how much you love them,
how much you miss them, and that it is o.k. if it is their time to
go. Mend fences now....you may not get another chance. Hold their
hand and just sit quietly with them. Sometimes words aren't needed.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned of a strength in myself that I did not know existed. I am
sure we all possess it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
some members of my family chose NOT to deal with it. I thought that
mom needed ALL of us to be there for her. I now understand that
we all have to deal with death in our own way. I am just thankful
that near the end we all had the chance to say our good-byes,
each in our own way.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughter is just as normal and important as tears. We had an incident
the last day that mom was with us. My daughter and I had gone to
my brothers house so both of us could get out for a minute and just
"unwind" for a little while. We had both been awake and busy doing
everything we could to make mom as comfortable as possible. While
we were gone Mom's breathing became labored and my brother called
us and told us to hurry back, that something was happening and
they weren't sure what. They called the hospice nurse and we got
back shortly before she got there. My daughter and I rushed in the
room (my parents room, 2 beds, the bed they shared for 36 years
and the hospital bed that mom now had to have). When I saw how
she was breathing I knew she was near the end and completly broke
down(the last time I cried until after she passed),and everyone
else started crying too. I don't know if my reaction did them in
or if because of my reaction they knew she was sliiping away. So
that is the scene that the hospice nurse walked into, some of us
crying quietly,others sobbing. I suddenly felt like all the blood
and energy left my body and sank down on the corner of my dad's
bed. When I did the whole thing fell! Well, the tension broke and our
solemn, somber moment suddenly changed into a bunch of puffy eyed
people laughing hysterically! The hospice nurse was even holding
her sides. I felt a very brief moment of guilt about that after,
but it only lasted seconds because I know if Mom hadn't been the
one lying there she would have been laughing harder than anyone!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be with her in the wekks and months before she passed. We sometimes
take things for granted. We get so busy with our own lives and
interests that we forget how suddenly things can change. I live 1100
miles away from my parents. I was home last year at Christmas and
mom had a bag of clothes she had bought at garage sales or had given
to her that she had saved for me. All my life, any time she had
clothes for me, she would want me to "model" them for her. Well,
she wanted me to go upstairs and get them and "model" them for
her. I said "Oh Mom, we are only going to be here for a short time,
I just want to visit with everyone. We'll do it another time." I
never had another chance. The next time I was with her she was
too sick to even know I was there most of the time. When we were
packing her things I came across that bag of clothes. I wish I had
"modeled" them for her. It would have made her so happy. Don't put
things off till tomorrow, there may not be a tomorrow.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have the comfort of knowing that mom understood what was
happening. The 11th of December we had an appointment with my
mothers doctor about discontinuing the tube feeding. While she had
been somewhat alert and responsive at times, for the last few months
of her life she was asleep most of the time and rarely showed much
reaction to anything other than pain. But that day she must have
understod what we were talking about and sensed that we were finally
ready to let her go. She reached out and pulled me to her and hugged
me so tight. Of course, that started the tears to flowing and she
wiped my face with her hand and stroked my face and hair. As sick
as she was, she was still trying to comfort me. We never had to
make that decision. Two days later her kidneys started shutting
down and seven days later she passed away, peacfully at home,
surrounded by loved ones.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I can't think of anything that didn't impress me as an important
part. It was strangly sad and beautiful at the same time. Nothing
has ever affected me more.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what to do after she had passed. Mom wanted her entire body donated
science which meant there would be no burial or cremation, only a
small memorial service to celebrate her life. I have had several
people comment on how horrible that must have been for us. That
we wouldn't have closure without a burial. I had closure standing
beside her bed, holding her hand as her soul left her body. She was
gone at that point, her body was merely the vessel that housed her
soul. The wake and burial seemed very unimportant to us. Respecting
her wishes was all that mattered.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about the younger grandchildren (and the grandchildren to
come) never having a chance to realy know her. My daughters sadness
at the fact that her maw-maw won't be at her graduation, wedding,
etc. really chokes me up as well. And the loss my father must be
feeling hurts me deeply.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't allow myself to have those thoughts. This is reality and
there is no point in living in a fantasy world. this is my life
and I have to live it and make the most of what is given me, the
good as well as the bad.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why does she have to suffer so. Why can't God just take her and
end her suffering.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Cry all the tears and get it all out. I still never know what will
trigger the tears. Sometimes I feel such sorrow that I think my
heart will never heal.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
had 8 months to come to terms with the fact that my mother was
dying. But when she passed and they came and picked up her body, the
finality of it really hit home. For most of the 8 months the tears
were never very far. A song or a thought would have me sobbing. But
the last day, when I knew she was very near the end I became calm
and the tears vanished. Maybe God was carrying me through it at
that point. Maybe he gave me that strength so that I could do what
I had to do for her at the end. But when it was over and they were
taking her out fo her home, it suddenly became so REAL. The grief
I felt at that moment was almost too much to bear. After a good cry
I went outside and it was such a beautiful night, every star in the
sky seemed brighter than it had ever seemed before and the moon was
full. It had been storming all day and I hadn't even realized it
had stopped. Now. when I go out at night and look up at the stars,
I can't help but smile. I will never again look at them without
thinking of her and remebering what a beautiful person she was.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
skepticism. Other than my mothers general practioner(her doctor
before and after her stroke) and the hospice workers, I was very
dissapointed with the medical professionals that had anything to do
with her care. I don't think they were very straightforward with us
about her prognosis from the beginning and I was very dissapointed
with the care she recieved at the hospital the numerous times she
was in during the 8 months. The motivation seemed to be money rather
than care and concern for her as a patient or a person.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
We didn't have hospice until the last week of Mom's life but the
caring and concern we were shown during that week was truly a
blessing. They were here on a moments notice and did everything
possible to make her death easier for her and for us.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Different things to different members of our family. I personally
wanted to be alone with my thoughts and prayers. I needed time to
deal with my loss in my own way. While we prayed together at times,
I spent a great deal of time on my knees beside my mothers bed,
holding her hand and praying.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
simply spiritual. Regardless of religion or culture we all
die. And I believe we all experience the same thing at the moment
of death. I believe there is only one God, we people simply know
Him by different names.
--Regarding MONEY:
Because Mom's death was such a long process nad her care was so
extensive, it was extremely expensive. Because she was only 61 and
she didn't have health insurance, there was very little help to
be had. My father had to sell thier home to pay for some of the
expenses and we will all be paying on the rest for a very long
time. It's very unfortunate that our older citizens have to choose
between health care and basic needs, such as thier homes.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
We didn't have a funeral, only a memorial service. And it was
a celebration of her life. We had pictures of her throughout her
life, from the time she was a baby until the end, and we tried to
recall the happy times rather than the sadness of the final months
of her life.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The calm that came over me during the final hours of her life. It
had been an emotional rollercoaster up till that point, but at the
very end I became very calm and focused.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
change in eating habits(i.e. loss of appetite), change in sleeping
patterns, changes in bodily functions, loved one seeming more alert
than usual, loved one seeming to see things others can't or don't,
changes in breathing, changes in coloring and/or texture of skin,
swelling in extemities, coldness of extremities.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i experienced the full range of emotions. Sadness, depression, anger,
hoplessness, relief, thankfulness, and so many others. Sometimes all
at the same time. They are all normal and to be expected. All you
can do is acknowledge them and allow yourself to feel them. With
time it gets easier to deal with but you can't rush it. you have
to let yourself grieve.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
During the last week of Mom's life she seemed to be seeing something
none of s could see. She was unable to communicate in any way so
we have no way of knowing what she was seeing. She would point at
something or hold her hand out, palm up, like she was reaching
for some one or something. Once when my daughter and I were in
the room with her she pointed toward the ceiling in one corner of
the room. It was a little eery and my daughter kind of nervously
laughed and asked her what she was seeing. Mom brought her finger
to her lips as if to tell us to be quiet and then again reached out
again. This type of thing occurred from the day she seemed so much
more alert than she had been until the final day. I like to think
she was seeing her family who had passed before her and the angels
who were there to take her home.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Like all mothers and daughters Mom and I had our differences, mostly
during my rebellious teen-age years. But I had long ago told her I
was sorry for being such a brat and how I had learned that she was
right about most things. And even the things we still disagreed on,
I knew she did or said purly out of love and concern for me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I wish I could here her tell me one last time that she loves me. And
I would like to be able to tell her that I am so sorry for the way
her life ended. I know she would have preferred that we had let
her go and not allowed them to do the surgery on her.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
while I often dream of Mom I don't think she has "visited"
me. Not that I don't believe it is possible. I would welcome such
an experience.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Everyone should write a living will, and be specific about exactly
what they do or do not want. If you love your family, please do
this. It is a tremendous burden if they aren't sure of exactly what
your wishes would be.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I only want to be allowed to die with dignity. I don't want my life
prolonged if my situation is hopeless. I am not afraid of death. And
I would hope that my family would not have to endure the agony of
watching me die a slow, painful death
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I would want people to remember the way I lived, not the way I died.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I'm not sure this really relates, but it gives me comfort to have
fresh flowers in the house, particularly red roses. They were Mom's
favorite and in some way it makes me feel closer to her. I have
an old trunk with some pictures of her on it, along with a Bible
and her diary from when she was a child. I like to keep a few long
stemmed red roses in a vase there by her pictures.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am much more aware of the importance of telling those I love how
much they mean to me and how precious and fragile life is.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Not really, but this has brought my daughter and I much closer. We
have always been very close, but I think we both have a new respect
for each other. I know that would make Mom very happy and I know
she would be very proud of the way my daughter handled the entire
ordeal. She was 16 when Mom became so ill and virtually devoted
every spare moment to helping care for her. She has always made me
so proud and has grown to be an amazing young woman.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
Death is a part of life. It is inevitable.....there is no
avoiding it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
I found the hardest part of dealing with my mothers death was my
families suffering. Everyone has regrets and some couldn't deal
with them as well as others. Witnessing thier pain and being unable
to be help to them was the hardest part for me.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I was unable to reach out to anyone in a similar situation but I
always try to help others in any way that I can. I am considering
volunteering with a hospice organization when the rief has subsided
a bit.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I find it helps to put your feelings on paper. i hope taht someone
may read this and be able to relate in some way.
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Mon Jan 6 11:53:17 2003
M53 in edmonton, alberta =canada=
Name: ken
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
part of my requirements for my BA n psychology
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Prof/Studies: BA psychology
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More personal info:
no
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 12 Years ago.
Cause of Death: complications from alcoholism and related tissue damage.
; Aged: 76.
--Details:
my dad suffered from kidney failure and was admitted to the
hospital where he received blood in an attempt to offset a ruptured
colin. this was not to be as he went into a coma and died the
next morning.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life here on earth in human body form. if one is
religious, death is actually a new beginning and most people
(christians) expect to go to a place called heaven after daeth. this
place is not tanagable as in something you are able to touch, see,
visit. most people consider heaven to be up in the heavens, sky. this
is a place of no worry, no needs, no pain or suffering. and this
way of being goes on forever.
death is final and is when the
soul leaves the body and the body eventually decays and turns back
to dust.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
i seemed overwhelmed, and awe struck as i egan to realize that this
person will not be back to talk with or interact with any more.
i also was overwhelemed with family greiving and vocalizing that
"why did this have to happen to him, to such a wonderful person?.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
is the peaceful countenance on my father's face. he showed no signs
of fear, pain, or worry.
i felt sad and angry in that my brother
was asked to give the eulugy and was specifically asked not to
talk about himslef. this of curse did not aoccur as my brother
eventually got into talking about his family and his career and
how wonderful life is for him and just how lucky he is. meanwhile
my father and his life seemed tobe left adrift and unaccounted for.
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it (death) is unavoidable and we should leard to look forward to
it as well as prepare u ourselves for this eventuality.
there are
on time deaths and off time deaths. it is more acceptable to greive
ontime deaths .this is when a person dies at an older age whereas off
time feath is the death of a younger person or child.unexpected.
death . . . to be part of a funeral and feel the emotions one
becomes more humble in mind and heart as we begin to understand
just how frail life is and how we often abuse it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that not often but my father did communicate with me at times and
it is these comments i hold dear to my heart words which will never
go away. endearing words.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
walking as well as talking with family most noteably my mother. i
received great understanding from the grieveance workshop i
atteneded.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
rrealizing just how short life is and that, after reflecting,
there is so much more i could have said to my father, so much more
we could have done togehter.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to listen to the dying person. listen attentatively and internalize
those comments. they are meagingful. it is necessary to reflect on
the good times and to be jolly and cheerful as the person dying does
not need to hear negative remarks and see sandess in others' faces.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
miss him and how i have matured and am now able to appreciate him
more. there is not a day that goes by that i don'tt think about
him.
i find that by writing to him helpe me in my grieving as
well as writing, as if i were my father, to me. both helpful in
accepting death.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is good medicine and everyone should experience it and
honor it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk with my dad more openly and frequently. i would have like
to be able to have gone on walks with him, traveled with him,
explored new destinations with him and most of all listened to
him and learned from his vast and varied knowledge base.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have my dad as a father.
he was a kind man, a gentle man, a giving
man, a man who outwardly seemed shy and often uncommunitative, a
man who seemed to be left behind by society - shunned- forgotten-
not listened to.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i visited my dad in the hospital and he asked me why everyone was
so upset and worried about him. they, the family should only be
concerned when there is domething to be concerned about. dad was
in denial as he was about his illness, his alcholism. everyone else
had a problem not my dad.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
visiting the grave site. my mother's belief is that after the soul
leaves the body (death) there is no need to mourm or cherish the
remains. to some extent this belief has filtered down to me. i will
not speak for ohter members of my family.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i look at a pic of my dad or see a card he had writen to me.
because my dad didn't write often, there are no letters to reread
and learn from.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
if my dad had not died when he did, and if he (this new reality)
oculd have him illness free, then i would be happy for my
mother. sence i did not live at home, i would have been able to
visit my parents in positive times and have intimate conversations
with them.
considering my mother and her active lifestyle now, at
age 81, as well as her friends and activities, i begin to wonder if
this life would have been afforded her if my dad remaned alive. he
was a controller, and wanted to do everything for my mother,
he did not want her to haave friends or go out alone. therefore,
in this new life i see a mother who would have died earlier, and
a father continuing to be disfunctional and alone and misundrestood.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i think death is unavoidable and that my dad lived a long life
considering his abuse of his body. i think that if he had not
been a drinker, he would have probably have lived another ten to
twenty years.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
pich up th phone and talk with my dad. email him, see him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
glad that my father was dead and now my mother will have no more
suffering and pain.
my grief and sufferng my loss occured some
time after my dad died, years after.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
professionalism combined with compassion.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no contact as my dad remained at the family home.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a funeral, last rights (in the catholic church), a mass, praying,
procession to the gravesite.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic from age 0-13 years of age.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like death only seperates us from the person in body, because we are
still able to communicate with that person via thought and letter,
meital imaging, and emotionally.
--Regarding MONEY:
my dad was poor and had no real investments. so what was left for
his family was remberances and thoughts and pictures.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i felt sad, happy, alone, on stage, angry, relieved, anxious
and aloof.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
realizing my dad was dying and yet not being able to talk to him
about it or how he felt about his body shutting down.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
yellowing of the skin, decreased muscle mass, loss of memory, loss
of appitite, giving cherrished personal items away, saying goodbye
to friends and family, immobility, hospitalization, unconsciuosness,
and comma.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
having and showing emotions is acceptable.
do not let anyone
tell you that you have grieved long enough, its now time to get on
with your life.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i am only able to say that i arrived at the hospital after my dad
had expired and uponllooking at him i saw a very peaceful look on his
face. this was still in his room prior to any work being done on him.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no such experience hda happened to me or anyone close to me.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
n/a
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would have like to have told my dad that i loved him.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
n/a
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
my will and wishes have been made and brenda is my executator and
benefeciary.
i do not want to be left on life support systems
if in fact i have no possibility of recovery in the near future.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am ready to die.
i do not want to as i have too much left to
accomplish and do and see.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
ken persevered, was compassionate,and always ready to do a good deed
for anyone.
ken auffered a late astart in life and did not have
life handed to him on a silver platter. he worked and sstruggled
with late compensation.
ken was a lover and a romantic, generous
and thoughtful.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
as i stated before, i write to my dad and i write as if i were my
dad writing to me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
only that my dad had told me once: "learn all you can about a
subject", "drive a small car" because gas is expensive.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no!
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
talking to other family members as well as attending a beriefment
workshop
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
too much grieving and praying for a cure so that my g/f would
not die
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
hugs, quiet talks in private or while walking.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes, this has been very useful and thought provoking for me.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
n/a
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Fri Jan 3 00:20:28 2003
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Last Thing We Talk About
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Knowing that death is not the end of life.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
The unknown quality of death
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Thu Jan 2 19:49:18 2003
F22 in white settlement, Tx =USA=
Name: Kellie
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Prof/Studies: clerical
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 8 Months ago.
Cause of Death: Sudden Infant Death Syndrome; Aged: 5 months and 13 days.
--Details:
My son was put to bed at about 10:30 at night and woke back up at
5:30 in the morning to feed him and he ate like a pig as usual. Then
went back to sleep. I woke back up at 6:45 am to get his Dad ready
for work, and I rolled over and found my son not breathing. We
called 911 and they came and everyone at the house before the
paramedics got there tried CPR. Then when they got there they
tried as well, but no hope. This whole time I was in total shock
in my room, pulling my hair out. I was going crazy, just hoping
to hear something good. But I didn't. My life was numb from then
on. I could barely cry I was in such shock. I still feel that way,
but as time goes on I face it a little more. When I picture the
day I found him I get sick to my stomach.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When you go to be with God. And he takes care of us and we wait and
watch over the people we love. and get to see the people that have
died before us.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was very scared and in utter shock.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I felt like a zombie my whole body was numb. I didn't want to move,
talk, or eat.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that when you die you go to a better place to be with our Lord.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The memories of that person I had for that short time.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking to friends and always mentioning the person, I also went to
counseling when my son died and a little bit when my boyfriend died.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing I won't hold them again on this earth.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
That they know you loved them and will see them again.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
know you should never take anyone for granted that they will always
be there. Younever know what can happen. I always thought it would
never happen to me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My son died for no reason at all whatsoever. His death was so
unexpected and my boyfriends death was very unexpected as well.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I don't remember doing that.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Take my son more places with me, like when I would go shopping his
Grandma would keep him with her. And i wish I would have got his
picture taken with my other children. The thing I regret about my
boyfriend is not telling how much I loved him. But he knew I did,
I always told him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Bring my daughter into this world with the help of my boyfriend,
and Give my son's dad the chance to love someone more than you ever
think possible.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I got to touch and kiss them after I knew they were already in the
hands of the Lord.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Having alot of attention, we wanted to be left alone at first.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at pictures of my son. I have a memorial wall of allof Cody's
stuff and it is so neat to look at. And when I look at my daughter
and she looks just like her Daddy.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I always think if Doug wouldn't have died if we would still be
together and I'm not sure, but then I wish it was true because then
I wouldn't have to explain this horrible stuff to my daughter. An
d i dream that Cody was here and him and his Dad building a race
car together and meeting his girlfriends and him having babies and
graduating from high school and even college.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that when my son died his cousin was born the same month and his
mom is so careless about things that I wonder why would my baby be
taken away when I love him dearly and she could care less.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Go away for a really long time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was in shock so bad that my whole entire body felt numb.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
With Doug they took way too long to get there and they could have
possibly done more, but with Cody he was dead when they got there
so there was nothing they could do.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
none
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Alot to me because I didn't want to confuse my kids by thinking that
God was bad so we got really involved in church after Cody's death.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that God walks you through times like these, that's the only way
to explain the things like this. I always heard that God won't give
you anything he knew you couldn't handle.
--Regarding MONEY:
All of Cody's dad's side of the family gave us so much money,
and my Granny paid for the funeral. so we had alot of help.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
That there was over 350 people at our babies funeral .
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that I couldn't cry much at first.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I stayed numb for the whole services and still through the greiving
process.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I feel him through my dreams and thoughts.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would love to hear that both of them are in great place and to
let both of them know I love them dearly.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I've had dreams of both people I was close to and they both came
back for one day and I got to spend a wonderful day with them and
they looked perfect. ( Not the same dream)
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The funeral services and burial should be very respectful and proper.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm very scared to die!! I have anxiety about it really bad.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
That I loved my children and avery one close to me and that I cared
about everyone.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have a memorial wall in my living room for my son, I'll never
take it down.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I pray for them every night.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
My family and friends were very helpful and also knowing I had my
little girl to live for.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
I was scared of being alone and without a father for my baby.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I had alot of help by my many family and friends.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
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See Dec 02 contributions.
See Nov 02 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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