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See Current contributions.
See Dec 01 contributions.
See Nov 01 contributions.
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Wed Jan 30 22:58:50 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Wed Jan 30 21:32:10 2002
F27 in Stockton, California =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
typed in "Psychology of Death"
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 71.
--Details:
He started getting sick around September 1996, shortly after that
he was diagnosed of cancer. January 1997 he passed away. Most of
my family are in the medical field, so during these treatment days,
they were all in denial. I guess in the back of their minds they
knew that my Grandfather wasn't going to survive, they just didn't
dare say it out loud in fear that their worst nightmare might happen.
I received a call around 5am in the morning, on the 22nd of January.
My Aunts wanted me to go to the hospital, my Grandfather was in his
death bed. I came there in time. The rest of the extended family
were there. I sat at the very back of the room and witnessed
everyone's reaction, the very second he made his last breath.
Everyone was praying... then at that moment, they all stopped and
just started crying. Before they took his body to "clean him up",
everyone came around and gave him a kiss. I was somehow forced into
doing the same thing, being caught up in the emotional atmosphere.
The moment I gave him a kiss on his cheek, it scared the hell out
of me. It didn't feel like I was kissing my Grandfather.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when your entire body stops functioning with no more hope of
rescusitating. At this moment, your soul leaves the body and goes
somewhere else ... heaven, hell, nirvana, porgatory...
--That first time, how it happened was
My Great Grandmother's sister died, I was only 7 at that time.
She used to babysit us a lot. I wasn't that much involved in the
death, it was just the first time someone I knew died. It was
horrible because my culture believes so much in spirits of the dead
roaming around the earth, and this made me scared as a child.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
some of my relatives did say that they saw my Grandfather. But what
my Aunt said was that she couldn't see his face nor his feet,
but she knew it was him. My Granfather's brother saw him too,
but from far away... waving goodbye. My Grandmother was supposedly
locked in their bathroom and couldn't get out for some reason, then
after she finally got mad and called out my Grandfather's name,
she tried the door again and was finally unlocked. My brother,
who was really close to my Grandfather when he was young, was alone
in his car crying for my Grandfather's death. All of a sudden,
he smelled his cologne.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Support Group
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Wed Jan 30 20:44:47 2002
F29 in dallas, texas =usa=
Name: Brooke
Email: <couldberight=at=aol.com>
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browsing
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Prof/Studies: funeral director
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 11 Years ago.
Cause of Death: homicide; Aged: 31.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our life here on earth, in this particular body form,
and a beginning to our new life, in a new place, in a new form
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was not close to that person so i paid more attention to other
people's grief reactions at the funeral, etc.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
shock that it could happen to OUR family.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it doesn't have to be something you fear
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
our family became more aware of expressing their feelings to
one another
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to those close to me...after the passing of some time
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
losing the one family member that knew me best...walking thru my
first experience with losing someone i truly loved
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen...you can learn a lot....and don't try to fix it...you can't.
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
took forever to begin my grief...but it all works itself out in
its own time. it works out for you in YOUR time.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was first told of the death and i couldn't cry or really react
at all
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i honestly dont recall laughing until MUCH later...was afraid it
would offend someone
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be completely alone with her for a few moments when she was in
state at the funeral home
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see her looking peaceful and see how many people loved her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
they put a fresh rose in her hand each day she was in state and
the day of the funeral
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the casket and the flowers
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i stop to think about how others in my family are doing with their
feelings
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
she would just be one more wonderful blessing in my life...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that of all people...it had to be her
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to her for five minutes
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
finally broke down and let myself feel the pain of the loss..of
the having to let go
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
not applicable
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything. knowing that God would help pull us thru. not sure
how paople without that faith get thru it
--Religious Affiliation:
non-denominational/ church of christ
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
peaceful
--Regarding MONEY:
it wasn't an issue
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the support was tremendous...and i remembered that even the people
they couldn't fit into the church stood outside until it was over.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
wanting to be alone..by myself...away from everyone...it distanced me
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
really the only unresolved issue for most of our family now is
wanting to know "who" and "why" as far as the criminal part of
the death
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would simply ask her who and what she saw in those last few
moments of her life so that justice could be served
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i dont think its out of the ordinary at all to have dreams of
talking to your dead loved one...when you're thinking about them
2-4-7, you're bound to have dreams of all types
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
reminds me that everyone's life and death is between them and God
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
speaking as a funeral director..i came to terms with the reality
of even the uncertainty of my own death a very long time ago..it's
been promised to us all and when your time comes...it comes.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
within a few months of the death i went by myself to the cemetery,
put on a song that said what i would have loved to say to her at
the time and sat in the car, stared at her marker and cried...
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i still play that song on occasion...but now i can smile.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
n/a
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
blessed to have this opportunity every day
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
is this your intent?
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Tue Jan 29 17:17:56 2002
F20 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
class project for psyc.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: .
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--Death Is:
the end of life on earth... after death.... those that are forgiving
and deserving will then move on to heaven which is a far better
place that earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young. .and did not have much experience with death... i was
unsure what to feel or think.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my father was very upset and hurt... his father died and like
many others... your father is one of the most significant person's
throughout ones lifetime.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it is great to have family and support from your friends in times of
death... when coping with death... is when ou need someone the most.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the thought of not being able to see this person again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
praying for them.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
they are better off in heaven.. with all of the things that are
going on in the world today... heaven is a much better place.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when is it going to be my time to die
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i don't really connect with that question
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
well i really lived kind of far from my grandfather...it would have
been nice to see him more... but we were always on great terms and
he was a wonderful person.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
understand that everything in life that happens is supposed to
happen and has a reason for happening.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when you really think about it hard.. i could get upset.. but i
don't and i know that he is in a better place.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
again .. there is a place and time for everything
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i feel very strong.. and i know that heaven is a better place...
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see him one more time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
understand
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they really weren't involved
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
believing in god and having god be a part of your life
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic/christian
--Regarding MONEY:
it didn't play an issue
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
all the people coming together
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
XXX
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
??
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
what i believe in
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i don't know
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
noone. i don't
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
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Mon Jan 28 15:16:37 2002
F18 in Toledo, Ohio =U.S.=
Name: Erin Weatherby
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Prof/Studies: nursing
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: an accident; Aged: 18.
--Details:
car acciedent
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the ending of someone's existence in this world
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
i just kept thinking that this could have been me- or anyone i know
for that matter. and although i was devastated that she was killed-
i was glad that it wasen't someone closer to me
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it can happen to anyone at anytime- people need to learn to live
as if today was their last
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it brought a kind of unity- the whole school acted together- there
were no more cliques or outcasts- just a group of kids mourning
the loss of a friend
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends- it made us all open our eyes and live life in a
different way
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing the look on her mother's face at the showing- i will never
forget it, and also seeing my friend that had been driving the
car(she survived) get wheeled over to the casket in a wheel chair
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
remind them of how great their life was
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she had such a promising future- she was getting ready to go to
college to be a teacher- i just couldn't understand how God took
take such a great person- but my mother helped me feel better
becasue she told me that God must have taken her for a reason
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be better friends with jenny
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
learn some very valuable things from this experience
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
it was totally unreal to me when some of my friends got angry that
some girls that jenny didn't really like showed up at the funeral-
i think that anyone should be able to pay their respects whether
they were good friends or not
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
they played a certain cd at her showing and everytime i here this
one song i tend to kinda go into my own world and think of her
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i think i would have gotten to know her alot better
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why did she have to die- what if they would have left 2 mins later?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was in shock- after the funeral we all went back to school like
nothing had happened- i actually found myself forgetting what had
happened and walking to my friends locker to meet her before class-
only to break down crying when i realized that i needed to break
that habit because she was gone
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was amazing- i have never seen so many people balling at the
same time- people were affected in so many ways
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
sitting next to her casket and playing with her hair and laughing
to our selves that she was probably in heaven getting pissed that
we were making it fuzzy
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would tell her how i missed her and how i wish we could have been
better friends
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am soo scared to die- i have soo much that i am looking forward
to right now that i don't know what i would do if i found out i
was dying
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
going to her grave and talking to her puts me and my friends at peace
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i have noticed since her death that i tell people that i love them
much more often
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
we all came to be very close with our guidence counseler at school-
and although i don't go there anymore i still talk to her once in
awhile and i think she knows how grateful i am to have had her to
talk to at that rough time
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
we all reached out to each other and there was always a shoulder
to cry on
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Sun Jan 27 21:44:30 2002
F18 in Toledo, Ohio =United States=
Name: Thie
Email: <Princsjen18=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Prof/Studies: RN Nursing w/a minor in psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 1 Years ago.
Cause of Death: an accident; Aged: 19.
--Details:
He was killed in a drunk driving accident on the way home from
Bowling Green, Ohio and the driver lost control of the car and
flipped over a guard rail on the expressway.
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--Death Is:
Death is something that occurs when people are either sick, car
accidents, suicide and other reasons.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was devasted and hurt and didn't understand what was going on. I
was pretty young and I didn't understand why my Grandpa had to die.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The death I remember most vividly about off hand is a guy I used to
"date" got killed in a drunk driving accident. Him along with his
four friends went to Bowling Green to go clubbing and partying. They
were coming back on the expressway when they lost control of the
car and the car flipped over the guard rail, which ejected my friend
from the car and he was pronounced dead at the scene.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is something that just happens, it can be health releated,
accidental releated or just because. Everyone has a time when God
removes them off the earth and when that time comes we need to
learn how to deal with it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The only thing I can be grateful about death is that I don't have
to see pepole suffer anymore that are suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
going out and getting my mind off it or talking to people about
it....
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
understanding why people have to die at the time they have to die....
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just be able to listen and realize what pepole need when they are
dieing.... try and put yourself in their shoes
--[My Ex-'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dealt with his death, and why not to drink and drive and fool
around, one night of getting drunk is not worth your life or one
of your friends.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The nursing home I work at offered a counseling session
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The cost of a funeral
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die with them
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the funeral
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
their skin to change color and abnormal behavior
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes it has
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
n/a
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Sun Jan 27 11:06:54 2002
F50 in Shelbyville, IN =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Administrative Assistant
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 20 Years ago.
Cause of Death: liver disease; Aged: 47.
--Details:
First discovered intestinal cancer, gave radiation treatment,
destroyed her liver. She only had two little nodules of liver left
due from excessive drinking.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transition into an area where little is known.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
couldn't believe it happened. This particular instance involved two
twin girls around 10-11. They were good friends of my best friend.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the body, as we know it, became nothing but a shell. Not realizing
what exactly happens at the point of transition, I was frightened
when the last breath was drawn and everything expelled from the
body...breath, waste...etc.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not the end. It would be nice to teach people how to face
it peacefully, but I think that has to come from within the person
experiencing the transition.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how marvelous the mind is and that someone going through the
transition from life to death, needs someone with them until they
reach the edge of the water (point of transition)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Nature
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not knowing exactly what happens afterwards
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Their mind is free and they are open to all forms of communications.
I feel that during this particular time not only is their hearing
heightened, their sense of presence is also very much alive.
Thoughts, feelings, touches when given with thought or expression,
are felt by the one who can not communicate verbally.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
As mentioned above, even though they may be in a comatose state,
they still experience our emotions. When the body finally releases,
gases excape, air excapes, etc. Sometimes this can be very unnerving
expecially if the person in transition has taken their last breath,
they may expell everything minutes later giving you the idea that
either they are coming back to life or haven't completely let go.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my brother grabed my mother's hand and she seemed to be pulled back
into life. My stepdad got mad at my brother, but my brother was
only reaching out trying to comfort my mother.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I think my laughter came from seeing the expression on my sister's
face when my mother let out the gases from her body minutes after
she had died. These gases were not expelled from her bottom,
but came from her mouth, like a deep sigh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk about inner thoughts, explain reasons for actions, and confirm
my love.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there at the point of transition.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The right and wrong way to react to death, the right and wrong
way to treat the one dying, and the right & wrong way to treat the
ones remaining. There is no right & wrong way, there is only the
"right" way....whichever way that is.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Usually, I am reminded of my own mortality and I am sadded to think
I won't be able to live forever in this world. Hear the birds,
feel the breezes, see the stars, moon, sunrises, sunsets, feel the
emotions, see all the beauty when I open my eyes. I cry because
I will not want to say good bye to what I know is reality.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that some people are in the wrong place at the wrong time..
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
thought about it constantly. Trying to figure out a lot about why,
when, what happens.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They did nothing
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
No hospice was involved
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing.....this is a spiritual event and organized religion a lot
of times is not spiritual
--Religious Affiliation:
United Methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Warm, comforting, right.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was just the thing to do...go to the funeral, listen to a
message...etc.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Realizing our body is just a shell, a house, for a vibrant living
spirit
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Not wanting any liquids, going into a coma like state of mind,
shallow breathing,kidneys shutting down.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I did not experience that
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
No issues left. Counseling helped and my own resolutions brought
about healing
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I remember by adoptive father dying. At the very point of
transition, he was cognitive enough to speak to his son and say,
"I want to get up and walk and look out the window". Now for me,
I was ready to get us all together, help him get out of bed,
walk him over to the window, but everyone else said, "No day,
just lay here, you don't want to get up" Even if the requests of
a dying person makes no sense to us, we need to respect them and
if it is within our power, we should try to have these requests
become reality. Of course, being hooked up to machines to prolong
our breath is always a point of contention. Wills need to be made
that specifically states our wishes. Doctors, nurses, hospital
staff, lawyers, everyone needs to be aware of our wishes and not
oppose them or file suit against parties trying to accomplish what
the dying person wishes or wished for.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have experienced the realization of terminal illness. I have
had cancer. Although it was a type of cancer with a great survival
rate, I still experienced the fact that death loomed at my door.
I think alot about death. I am the type of person who has to
be in control of my own life, death takes that control from me.
We have control over how we will face death, but can not stop death
from happening. Life is very, very short. I need to find that
peace within that will help me face death unafraid. I feel as if
no one can help me do that...I have to do it myself since I will
be the only one crossing Jordan.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was as if someone was listening. Someone not afraid to talk
about issues that are considered private.. I do a lot of journaling,
this was like that.
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Sun Jan 27 10:45:10 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 20 Years ago.
Cause of Death: liver disease; Aged: 47.
--Details:
First discovered intestinal cancer, gave radiation treatment,
destroyed her liver. She only had two little nodules of liver left
due from excessive drinking.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transition into an area where little is known.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
couldn't believe it happened. This particular instance involved two
twin girls around 10-11. They were good friends of my best friend.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the body, as we know it, became nothing but a shell. Not realizing
what exactly happens at the point of transition, I was frightened
when the last breath was drawn and everything expelled from the
body...breath, waste...etc.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not the end. It would be nice to teach people how to face
it peacefully, but I think that has to come from within the person
experiencing the transition.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how marvelous the mind is and that someone going through the
transition from life to death, needs someone with them until they
reach the edge of the water (point of transition)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Nature
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not knowing exactly what happens afterwards
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Their mind is free and they are open to all forms of communications.
I feel that during this particular time not only is their hearing
heightened, their sense of presence is also very much alive.
Thoughts, feelings, touches when given with thought or expression,
are felt by the one who can not communicate verbally.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
As mentioned above, even though they may be in a comatose state,
they still experience our emotions. When the body finally releases,
gases excape, air excapes, etc. Sometimes this can be very unnerving
expecially if the person in transition has taken their last breath,
they may expell everything minutes later giving you the idea that
either they are coming back to life or haven't completely let go.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my brother grabed my mother's hand and she seemed to be pulled back
into life. My stepdad got mad at my brother, but my brother was
only reaching out trying to comfort my mother.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I think my laughter came from seeing the expression on my sister's
face when my mother let out the gases from her body minutes after
she had died. These gases were not expelled from her bottom,
but came from her mouth, like a deep sigh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk about inner thoughts, explain reasons for actions, and confirm
my love.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there at the point of transition.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The right and wrong way to react to death, the right and wrong
way to treat the one dying, and the right & wrong way to treat the
ones remaining. There is no right & wrong way, there is only the
"right" way....whichever way that is.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Usually, I am reminded of my own mortality and I am sadded to think
I won't be able to live forever in this world. Hear the birds,
feel the breezes, see the stars, moon, sunrises, sunsets, feel the
emotions, see all the beauty when I open my eyes. I cry because
I will not want to say good bye to what I know is reality.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that some people are in the wrong place at the wrong time..
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
thought about it constantly. Trying to figure out a lot about why,
when, what happens.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They did nothing
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
No hospice was involved
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing.....this is a spiritual event and organized religion a lot
of times is not spiritual
--Religious Affiliation:
United Methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Warm, comforting, right.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was just the thing to do...go to the funeral, listen to a
message...etc.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Realizing our body is just a shell, a house, for a vibrant living
spirit
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Not wanting any liquids, going into a coma like state of mind,
shallow breathing,kidneys shutting down.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I did not experience that
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
No issues left. Counseling helped and my own resolutions brought
about healing
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I remember by adoptive father dying. At the very point of
transition, he was cognitive enough to speak to his son and say,
"I want to get up and walk and look out the window". Now for me,
I was ready to get us all together, help him get out of bed,
walk him over to the window, but everyone else said, "No day,
just lay here, you don't want to get up" Even if the requests of
a dying person makes no sense to us, we need to respect them and
if it is within our power, we should try to have these requests
become reality. Of course, being hooked up to machines to prolong
our breath is always a point of contention. Wills need to be made
that specifically states our wishes. Doctors, nurses, hospital
staff, lawyers, everyone needs to be aware of our wishes and not
oppose them or file suit against parties trying to accomplish what
the dying person wishes or wished for.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have experienced the realization of terminal illness. I have
had cancer. Although it was a type of cancer with a great survival
rate, I still experienced the fact that death loomed at my door.
I think alot about death. I am the type of person who has to
be in control of my own life, death takes that control from me.
We have control over how we will face death, but can not stop death
from happening. Life is very, very short. I need to find that
peace within that will help me face death unafraid. I feel as if
no one can help me do that...I have to do it myself since I will
be the only one crossing Jordan.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was as if someone was listening. Someone not afraid to talk
about issues that are considered private.. I do a lot of journaling,
this was like that.
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Sat Jan 26 15:34:00 2002
F31 in Baltimore, MD =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
link from syllabus page of lifespan dev'l psych course as toledo
university
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
When God Doesn't Make Sense
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
James Dobson
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 38.
--Details:
My first husband's death was totally unexpected and very traumatic.
He had been experiencing no symptoms. He had been at a Super Bowl
party and called me on his way home. I was in the bedroom when he
arrived. I heard him come in the apartment, hang up his coat and
walk down the hall. I looked up when he opened the bedroom door
and saw him falling backwards. By the time the medics arrived he
had stopped breathing. They tried in vain to revive him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of the life of the physical body. The heart stops beating
and the lungs stop breathing. To those left behind, it appears
that what made that person who they were - their spirit or soul -
is gone. The soul has departed for another world which those still
living can not access.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't feel much, other than the initial sadness. The person was
no longer there, but I didn't spend much time considering where they
went. We moved alot when I was child, so it was almost the same as
if we had moved again or the person who died had simply moved away.
--That first time, how it happened was
My friend's younger brother died of Leukemia after being sick for a
very long time. I remember his father pushing him in a wheelchair
around the neighborhood and stopping to talk to my father about
how the doctors said his condition was terminal. It wasn't long
after that when he died. My parents didn't want any of us kids
going to the funeral. I remember, though, them coming home from
it and my mother being very upset. I also remembering my friend
talking about her family's reactions to the loss, but not her own.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The shock and total devastation. I never thought something like
that could happen to me. A widow at age 28? Impossible. Where was
the justice in the world?
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
People grieve differently and for a long time. Some people want to
talk about the deceased and should be allowed to do so if they wish.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the love and support I experienced from friends, family, co-workers,
and acquaintances. My husband was from a different culture and
his friends and family treated me like one of their own. For this,
I will always be grateful.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Friends who would listen. My faith in God and the love and support
of my minister.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Feeling as if my life had stopped. I felt as if I would never
experience love again, never had children, etc.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't feel pressured to say something. In the stress of a situation,
you may say something that will cause more pain than comfort.
Instead offer a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found comfort in knowing that our relationship was good for us both.
We always expressed our love and didn't let quarrels linger.
Our appreciation of the everyday made his death easier to deal with.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had to start my life over. Not only did I have to deal with the
grief, but I had to support his brother and family, with a language
barrier between us, and deal with all of the legal matters.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
didn't experience that!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
share my faith in Jesus Christ with my husband.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
go on with life. My faith is stronger - I believe God has used this
experience to draw me closer to him and to prepare me to serve him.
I am now remarried to a man I never imagine existed and expecting
our first child.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the police came to the hospital to investigate because his death
was unexpected. As the cop squatted down to talk to me, Polariods
of my husband's body fell out of his folder. Seeing those pictures
made the situation MORE unreal.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
where my husband was buried. I chose to have him buried in his
family plot in his home country, which I will probably never visit
(given the political climate). I believe his spirit was gone, his
body was just an empty shell and so it wasn't critical that he be
buried in a place close to where I live.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
something reminds me of him - a phrase he used, an activity he loved.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Ironically, I don't think of this too often and when I do, I imagine
that things would not have turned out as rosy as I thought at the
time we were together.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Oh, definitely. I couldn't get out of my mind that I'm a "good
person", he was a "good person", how could this happen? It was only
later that I realized that "rain falls on the just and the unjust".
This life is not fair and bad things happen to everyone.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
give up on life. But I know I can't, so I go on.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt the worst emotional pain of my life. I don't usually experience
feelings as colors, but this was as if a large black cloak was
thrown over my heart.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
people trying their best.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support and love.
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran
--Regarding MONEY:
It wasn't really relevant. My husband's friends paid for all of
the expenses associated with his death. I gave the money from his
life insurance policy to his family because they needed it more
than I did.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How odd it was. With the mix of cultures, we had two funerals with
people from both cultures at each. The different styles of the
cultures were evident. However, everyone seemed to try to comfort
each others, despite the differences.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The things I found comfort in and the things that upset me. I could
temporarily lose myself in books or TV, but would erupt into tears
if the neighbor's stereo was too loud.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
a couple of weeks before he died, he told a friend in his home
country that he would be there soon. This was despite his having
no plans to visit. The friend told me this after I had decided to
have him buried in his home country - his telling me sent chills
up my spine.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I don't feel I have unresolved issues with him.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
First, I would say the same thing I said to him that night as I
held him in my arms: "I love you." Second, I would tell him about
Jesus and His salvation.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had a dream shortly after my husband died where he was on the
balcony of our apartment with his friends. They were speaking
their native language and wouldn't let me come out and talk to
him.
In another dream, my husband was standing in our kitchen
when I came home from work. He hugged me, told me he loved me,
and that we had a good life together.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I believe both the person dying and those closest to him or her
should have their wishes respected. If those are different, there
will have to be some compromise. For example, the person dying
should have the most say over the process. What occurs after the
death (e.g., the funeral) is for the benefit/well-being of those
left behind.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Knowing the uncertainty of this life, I try to be live my life
every day as if it were my last. I go back and forth on whether
I would like advanced notice or not!
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I took a picture of us and our Unity candle and placed it in the
coffin with him.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still make sure that those I love know my feelings. I don't
let disagreements fester - this may be the last time I ever see
that person.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
In the first year after my husband's death, I was quite close to
his best friend. He was instrumental in my coping with the loss.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I reached out some to my brother-in-law. He was very dependent on my
husband and more at a loss after his passing. I tried to offer him
emotional support, comfort and guidance. At times it was draining,
but it also got my mind off my own feelngs for a while.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It has been useful. It has sort of helped me review the experience
and think about how I might deal with similar issues in the future.
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Fri Jan 25 14:09:30 2002
F24 in fort worth, tx =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: MBA Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 12 Days ago.
Cause of Death: a major stroke; Aged: 78.
--Details:
he suffered with diabetes and high blood pressure for the last
several years but really went down hill fast since August. He was
otherwise in good health up until that time. He had two major
surgeries last fall and finally had this stroke and passed away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the absolute darkest event in life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 11 years old and heard about the death of my mother's mother
from a friend. My mother hadn't bothered to tell me but told our
neighbors instead. I was in shock and quite upset.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I would crumble into a billion pieces if I thought too long
and hard about it. Even now depression looms in the wings.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that we should not shirk from it. Though we might individually
be afraid of it, protecting others from it out of fear may bring
worse results.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
hearing kind words from friends and family about my connection to
my grandfather
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
that people left me mostly alone until I reached out to them.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that some people just didn't realize how it totally rots my insides.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to ask them if they would like to know be assurred of where they
will go when they leave us? To let them know that Jesus Christ
can bring eternal life.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
really feel that she knew all along that she wouldn't be with
us long. I believe she left behind her beautiful baby boy to keep
herself alive with us.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my cousin Lisa Renee Garrison was shot in the head by her boyfriend
and baby's father. She was 18 years old, just graduated from high
school and had a three week old son. The father then killed himself.
It pained me so much to know that she was alive for 6 hrs.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Thu Jan 24 10:21:52 2002
F23 in BURLINGTON, NC =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Prof/Studies: NURSING
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 Months ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 70.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
LETTING YOUR WORDLY BODY GO AND BEING IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
FELT SAD, BUT ALSO HAPPY, BECAUSE I KNOW SHE IS NOT SUFFERING
ANYMORE AND SHE IS WATCHING OVER ME
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
THE PAIN AND LOSS I FELT
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY AND THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I KNOW NY GRANDMA IS WITH THE LORD NOW AND IS SUFFERING NO MORE
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
MY FAMILY'S SUPPORT
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
BEING ALONE AND THINKING OF ALL THE MOMENTS I MISSED WITH MY GRANDMA
AND ALL THE THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE WITH HER OR FOR HER
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
A GREAT THING FOR THEM, DYING ALONE IS THE WORST DEATH ANYONE
COULD HAVE
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
CHERISH THE MOMENTS I HAVE TO REMEMBER ABOUT BEING WITH HER
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
SHE SEEMED TO BE GETTING BETTER, THEN TOOK A DOWNWARD TURN
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I DID NOT LAUGH
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
TELL HER HOW MUCH I LOVE HER, EVEN THOUGH SHE KNEW
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
BE THERE WITH HER WHEN SHE TOOK HER LAST BREATH
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
THE PEACE THAT CAME OVER HER BODY RIGHT BEFORE SHE TOOK HER LAST
BREATH
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I LOOK AT HER PICTURES OR READ A SAD POEM
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
THAT SHE HAD TO GO THROUGH SO MUCH PAIN
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
TALK TO HER
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
COULD NOT STOP CRYING
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
GREAT RESPECT
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
HAVING THE LORD TO HOLD US DURING OUR TIMES OF NEED
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
SHE DID NOT WANT A FUNERAL
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
LOSING THE ABILITY TO DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
TIME AND CRYING ARE THE MOST HELP
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I CAN HEAR HER TALK TO ME SOMETIMES
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I BELIEVE I WOULD GO TO HEAVEN TO BE UNITED WITH MY GRANDMA AND
PAW-PAW
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
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Wed Jan 23 15:39:24 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: diabitic murder; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
end of program
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
thought it was a dream that i would wake up from for a long time
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
father's death... being cheated out of a life that he was a
contributor to... abaondonment... loss... anger rage
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
unknown
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
no gifts
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
unknown
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
loss, betrayal
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
mother.. i was there... unknkown
--[My 's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
death is the end... there is no more... nothing you do now
matters. das ist alles
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why if there is a god
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
nok no laughter at all only death over and over and always
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
protect them all
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
unknokwn
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
they ceaseed to exists. yet i continue
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
unknown
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
unknown
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
most of them live through me until mother died then all died
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
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Wed Jan 23 10:30:13 2002
F19 in Toledo, OH =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Prof/Studies: Recreational Therapy
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
losing someone very important to us and is upsetting. We find
comfort in knowing our loved ones are in a better place even though
we cannot see them or where they are.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
surrounding myself with loved ones to get through it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my grandfather finding god before he passed away.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
getting through the initial suprise and getting past it
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just visiting with them and maybe reading to them...playing cards
ect...
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
became a stronger person to deal with future heartaches
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to loved one once more
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have time before my grandfathers passed away to visit them
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember the good times we had before they passed away
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried quite a bit
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I'm kind of angry with in some ways because wrong medication was
one of the reasons my grandfather got sick, but in other ways I'm
glad they could do things to help
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
knowing my grandfathers had a better place to go after death
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how so many people came to pay their respects
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loss of appetite...weight, confusion...ect..
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
make sure loved ones know how important they are to me and that
god knows that I believe in him and want to follow his ways.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would not want to know if I was going to die soon because it
would consume me and I would not be able to enjoy my final days.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes...It helped me remember times with my grandfathers and how they
were important parts of my life and I won't forget them
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Wed Jan 23 10:29:48 2002
F19 in Toledo, OH =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Prof/Studies: Recreational Therapy
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
losing someone very important to us and is upsetting. We find
comfort in knowing our loved ones are in a better place even though
we cannot see them or where they are.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
surrounding myself with loved ones to get through it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my grandfather finding god before he passed away.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
getting through the initial suprise and getting past it
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just visiting with them and maybe reading to them...playing cards
ect...
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
became a stronger person to deal with future heartaches
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to loved one once more
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have time before my grandfathers passed away to visit them
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember the good times we had before they passed away
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried quite a bit
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I'm kind of angry with in some ways because wrong medication was
one of the reasons my grandfather got sick, but in other ways I'm
glad they could do things to help
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
knowing my grandfathers had a better place to go after death
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how so many people came to pay their respects
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loss of appetite...weight, confusion...ect..
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
make sure loved ones know how important they are to me and that
god knows that I believe in him and want to follow his ways.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would not want to know if I was going to die soon because it
would consume me and I would not be able to enjoy my final days.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes...It helped me remember times with my grandfathers and how they
were important parts of my life and I won't forget them
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Tue Jan 22 10:51:31 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo Categories
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my great grandmother who we lived with for most of my early
childhood. We would see her all the time.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
I think of them being with all the people they love.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
I didnt understand that they werent going to wake up
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Mon Jan 21 21:29:04 2002
F22 in Sheffield, South Yorkshire =England=
Name: Laura Jones
Email: <laurajones17=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Read About it: ]
In a book about cot death
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Prof/Studies: Signed off all work with depression
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
I am writing my own book which is proving very theraputic for me.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 6 Months ago.
Cause of Death: overlaying; Aged: 6 weeks.
--Details:
He was sleeping with his father when he accidentally rolled on to
him in his sleep causing suffocation and subsequent death.
*
He was my 2nd baby boy to die. My 1st died in January 2ooo due to a
premature labour at 22 weeks gestation. I have no surviving children.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end. The end of a life for the person who has passed away and
it can be the end of lives for those left to cope.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was frightened as it was my own baby boy.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the trauma which I cannot talk about.
--What I think my (England) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that you can't always keep a stiff upper lip. You can't use cliches
and change the subject with the bereaved.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I had my 2nd son for 6 weeks which was 6 weeks longer than I
had his brother for.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Facing it which I haven't done yet with my 2nd son.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have new perceptions about what is important in life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Life could be so cruel to take another baby from me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I felt like I was going mad. Maybe I was.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
make sure my son went to sleep in his cot.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have their funerals in my own way.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I didn't turn to drink this time.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
religion.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think i am still actually in shock or something. i am still so
numb ...
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have a purpose and someone to live for who would need me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that children die.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
not be here at all.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
haven't got that far yet.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
pure disbelief and outrage.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am non-religious.
--Regarding MONEY:
i didn't get a memorial plaque for my first son until my second
son died.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was in control.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
actually seeing death - the physical effects of death on my own
babies which still sickens me to this day to such a degree I have
to push it from my mind.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
There are so many things I want to tell my babies. Most of all,
it's the things I still yearn to do with them.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I just want to tell them how much I love and miss them.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
It hasn't but I wish it would.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have thought about it a lot since the death of my sons. I have
mentally planned my funeral. I am now petrified of death though and
think I am going to see a dead body where ever I go and am scared
of my loved ones dying too.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I write to my boys in poetry which has made me decide to write
a book.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I can only talk to friends I have made on the internet who have
lost a child as I feel that my usual circle undermine my grief as
they cannot understand. And I am jealous of their happiness and
seemingly straight forward lives.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Alcohol
The injustice
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish people would simply listen without changing the subject and
judging me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I needed this because I can talk to my computer better than human
beings right now it would seem.
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Mon Jan 21 17:54:38 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 15.
--Details:
She was riding in the car with another of my friends and they missed
a curve in the rain and hit a tree.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a giant hand carrying you away.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a baby.
--That first time, how it happened was
An old lady who my mom and I took care up died. She was sick and
we were expecting it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
groups of friends crying.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the time I had with the people before they died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends and family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never seeing her again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to hold their hand.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
feel about them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she died at such a young age.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was natural. We can only handle so much death and sadness.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
stopped her from driving.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be her friend.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people joined together for comfort.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
getting everyone together to remember and cry. We all needed to
grieve in our ways and not be forced to do anything.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
huh?
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
She would be a nurse.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she died so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring her back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
love. They couldn't do anything. She died on impact.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
I have my own religion.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true. Everyone goes two one of two places when they die.
--Regarding MONEY:
nothing.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
her casket wasn't open.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I didn't get to see her dead.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I've had dreams about her.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I wish I could tell her that I love her.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell her I miss her and that I love her. It would let me
feel closure.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
She came back to me in a dream.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't wanna die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I go to her grave on her birthday and every major holiday as well
as on the anniversary of the day she died.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
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Mon Jan 21 16:10:37 2002
F19 in NJ =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Embraced by the Light
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Betty Eadie
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 64.
--Details:
he had three different types of cancers, and he eventually lost
the battle
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a sad time full of sorrow for many when i comes unexpectedly.
While other deaths can be peaceful if a person was in a lot of pain.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really know how to handle it. It felt like a part of me was
ripped out. I just couldn't believe that i would never see that
person's smile again... it hurt.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Just last month on december 24, two boys i use to go to school with
died in a horrible car crash. When i heard the news that night,
i couldn't sleep, christmas was tough this year knowing that three
families were without their loved ones. The students were devastated
at the quick loss of their classmates due to speeding. What made it
worse for me is knowing that those boys could have prevented their
deaths if they would have stayed in the right lane and didn't try
to race another car. By driving in the other lane they hit another
car head on and killed the driver.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
many of them are preventable
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the day that my grandfather and his brother died both from cancer
we saw two beautiful parts of a rainbow over the house. It made it
a little easier knowing that they were ok
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Looking around me and not taking things for granted anymore i live
my life for those that aren't around anymore
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that things can happen unexpectedly scares me
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
making them smile. even when my grandfather was in an extreme amount
of pain i smiled at him and he said "No matter how hard something
my be, never stop smiling"
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
look for signs and try to be there for people in need.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the shock of the two boys dying in the car crash. i was surprised at
the fact that they took their lives for granted and it is so hard
to see the effects it has on the people that loved them the most,
people don't realize how much others love them until it is to late
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my grandfather more
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
make my grandfather smile, and the fact that his eyes lit up when
he saw me in the hospital room
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i saw the rainbows in the sky, now everytime i see a rainbow i
think about my great uncle and grandfather
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see a rainbow in the sky, or the yearbook pictures of the boys
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was such a special person why did he have to go through the pain
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see my grandfather and talked to him
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt helpless, scared. Ever since my grandfather died, i have a
fear of getting cancer
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
i'm grateful that he lived as long as he did
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
he was well taken care of at the hospital
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
it was sort of painful because knowing that prays aren't always
answered
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
knowing that my grandfather is still around me makes me feel better.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the happiness i felt seeing all those people around me. at the same
time it was very sad because my family had collages of pictures and
sad music playing, it brought back many memories and the fact that
i wouldn't have anymore memories with my grandfather
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the fear of dying started
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when someone starts talking about the white rooms and the light
then u know they are closer to heaven
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i tried to comfort everyone else, but u to need someone to give u
a shoulder to cry on
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i had a dream that my grandfather came into my room and told me
that he and his brother were ok and to tell my grandmother to fix
the dam tv. (at the time her vcr was broken) that is something he
would definitely say
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i had a dream that my grandfather had an illness a few months before
he found out that he had cancer.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
my unresolved issues with the two boys in the car crash isto talk
to others about speeding and the fact that in death u don't get
a second chance. I let people know that they not only can hurt
themselves but to all those that love them too
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i feel that i got to say goodbye to my grandfather in my dream. I
feel that we said the things we needed to say. he said that he
loved me very much and i told him how much i missed him
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i had the dream about my grandfather coming into my room telling
me to tell my other family memebers that he and his brother were
ok and that he loved all of us.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i'm very scared of death. I don't like the feeling of being alone. i
hope when i go that everything about heaven is true and i hope i'm
not in pain
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I drew a picture of both my grandmother and grandfather together and
hung it on my wall so i would have something to look at everynight. I
also wrote a poem
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i still look for rainbows, it lets me know that he is there watching
over my family
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i haven't made any new friends but my family bond is stronger and
friendships are stronger as well
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Fear of Death
i try to help everyone else out
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
I'm afraid of people dying suddenly
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i tried my best to be there for everyone else, but i didn[t really
have a shoulder to cry on, so i think i kept a lot of feelings
inside.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i think i got a lot of feelings out into the open, i have a sense
of peace, remembering about my dream and the rainbows and knowing
that my grandfather is still around.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
i think u should ask people ways to not be afraid of dying.. i
think many people are worried about death.
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Mon Jan 21 11:49:24 2002
F35 in Burlington, NC =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Prof/Studies: studying Nursing
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 11 Months ago.
Cause of Death: a weakheart; Aged: 92.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
passing onto eternal life hopefully in HEAVEN where there are no
more tears, sorrow, pain only PEACE!
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 10 yrs old and very very close to him
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
we all were so sad
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is for the living
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family and memories of my grandfather
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to talk to him or see him again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
trying to fulfill their every wish
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
letting them know it is okay to let go and that everything here
will be alright
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is good to laugh and remember the great times
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hug my grandfather and say good-bye
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I wish he could have seen me graduate from high school and be at
my wedding and also to see his 2 grandchildren
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
he died and he is in HEAVEN with a new glorified body; he can see
now and I know I will see him again oneday
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
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Sat Jan 19 09:47:05 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, Years ago.
Cause of Death: breast cancer; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when your body shuts down and you go to heaven
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried for days and was mad at everything ond everyone
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My friend died when i was in 11 grade from speeding and doing drugs.
I don't do drugs because i see what they can do to you.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family and fiance-boyfriend at the time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
saying goodbye for a long long time.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let them know you love them and will never forget them. Don't let
them die alone.
--[My Great GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
went to see her the night she died. I was heartbroken and very
upset. I told her i loved her and after not speaking for days she
told me she loved me too. I left upset but the next morning when
i woke up and she had died i knew she was happy and in agood place.
Don't ever leave things unsaid.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know my greatgrandmother-not the one mentioned above-better.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see them again and talk to them about my problems.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They are wonderful- i am in nursing school.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They are very good with the person and the family.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Slow rattled breathing, lower blood pressure, illusions of the past
or angels.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
I was in church and knew he was in a beter place
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Fri Jan 18 03:58:20 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
mort
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Terry pratchett
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
alcohol
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Thu Jan 17 20:05:12 2002
M58 in Jacksonville, Florida =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Searching for Barbara H. Whitfield
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Prof/Studies: Engineer, Ph. D.
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More personal info:
I have been a mystic since childhood. ? as a response means usually
that I don't relate to the question as stated or at all.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Journey of Souls and Destiny of Souls
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Michael Newton, Ph. D.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: CHF; Aged: 82.
--Details:
He finally wore out. He held on because my mother wanted him to.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A return to our more normal state in preparation for another bout
with the material world.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Wished they had been able to leave voluntarily (OBE without return,
not suicide) earlier to avod needless suffering.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
relief for the person's suffering.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Transition, not an end.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
expressed thanks for care given to him.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing what came next.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the caregiving before hand.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
follow their lead, not your own preconceptions.
--[My 's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Haven't learned anything in particular. Do not hold someone back
for your needs.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Clean his body some myself rather than depend on funeral home which
did job poorly.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
fairness is not a normal aspect of material reality.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I learned years ago to accept my own experience as real. Why do
so many people have to tell someone about an experience to be able
to accept their own experience?
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
wonder at how they get away with knowing so little and making so
many mistakes.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They provide an excellent service. They were a great relief and
support in final caregiving.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
for me, a politicized social institution with its own agenda,
centered around finances.
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
whatever traffic will bear.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
? How everyone carrys on.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Would have been helpful to have. What I know isn't worth repeating
as incomplete. Would have liked to know more.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
If you say so. I was mostly relieved that he didn't have to
suffer further.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
His calling out to his mother, father and brother came months
before his death. May have been a matter of degeneration over time.
PSP was base diagnosis.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
None of consequence. Will see him again when and as required for
any such reconciliation.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my mother felt my father's presence all day long on same day
that I had dream about how he would come to kiss me good night
after returning late from work; feel of whiskers and smell of old
aftershave, smoke, etc. precisely like I had forgotten from 50
years or so ago.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I plan to take an out of body trip and simply not return.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Just going back to the beginning of the line.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
No. I find you excessively wordy. I don't fit inside your
conceptual box.
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Thu Jan 17 15:50:42 2002
F19 in Burlington, North Carolina =United States=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Prof/Studies: Nursing Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 Months ago.
Cause of Death: disease; Aged: 70.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
going home and feeling better.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
tried to run away from all my family and I did not want to be
around anyone.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everyone crying in both cases.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I saw a black crow flying from the window sill and I knew at that
moment that was my grandfather flying home.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself and all the memories and pictures of them both.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not having them around to talk to about things.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
stay with them, even though they are not talking back to you still
talk to them and let them know you are there.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was there until he passed and I was still talking to him and telling
him that I love him, even 1 hour after his death.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughing is good and I know they would not have wanted me to mourn.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with the both of them.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with them the last minutes of their lives here with me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the crow flew from the ledge outside. This was a sign from my
grandfather and to this day, I cannot help but smile when I see a
crow flying outside.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
we went on trips together and I feel like I want them to be with
me now when I go somewhere. I know they are both watching me still
and I know they are always with me still.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I often think about having them both at my high school graduation
and also them seeing me eventually get married.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
began to remember the good times and not let go of the memories.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they have a lot of inspiring people and it made me want to go to
school and hopefully work with hospice.
--Regarding MONEY:
they spent their money before they died so they could enjoy it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
hugging everyone and crying. It seems like everytime i hugged
someone I was bawling.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
letting go.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I still talk to them as though they were here.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I feel like they send me signs and I try to acknowledge them.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
I remember all the positive things we did together.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
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Thu Jan 17 09:19:11 2002
F25 in spokane, washington =usa=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
Developmental psychology class.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Embrace by the Light
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Betty J Eadie
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 12 ago.
Cause of Death: old age, died in her sleep; Aged: 18.
--Details:
It was comforting to know that she went in her sleep, and felt
no pain.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Going to a better palace to be with the ones you love, that have
already passed on.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and cried, felt depresed. felt glad that it wasn't me and
then felt guilty for feeling that way.
--That first time, how it happened was
My favorite dog had died, i have had her for almost my entire life.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not having her (MY DOG) around she was my bestfriend.not
understanding why she was taken from me.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death is not the end.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The memorise of what we had together
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my parents
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing them
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
show them as much affection as you can let them know that they a
loved very much. spend all of your time with them.
show them the
finer things in life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they die for no reason
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
remember the good times
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time together
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
love her
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
na
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
na
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when i see pictures.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
na
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that you took her away
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stay home
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
realized that every one has a time and it was her time to go.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
great
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
na
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
going to a beter place full of beutiful things
--Religious Affiliation:
methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
great
--Regarding MONEY:
na
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
na
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
na
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
na
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
??
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
na
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
na
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
na
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
na
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
this never happend to me but i know for fact that when my grandma
died. my father had a dream that she came into his room and brushed
his hair back from his eyes and said it would be alright.just as
the dream ended the phone rand and my dads sister told him that
their mom just passed away.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
na
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am scared to die but i know that i shound't be.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
time.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
na
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
comforting parents
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
church
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
na
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
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Thu Jan 17 07:18:47 2002
F27 in Grand Foks, ND =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Prof/Studies: Certified Nurse Assistant
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 10 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 82.
--Details:
He was dealing with his second bout of cancer and had avoided
going to the doctor, he knew he had it but didn't tell anyone else.
He didn't want to do the treatment again. Things go pretty bad for
him and he went into the hospital, we went and visited for a week.
Then had to go back home. He was transfered to a hospital in a
bigger town. One morning I woke up to see him standing at the foot
of my bed, at the same moment the phone rang. My aunt had called
to tell us of his passing.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Didn't really know what was happening.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Why I hadn't put more effort into getting to know more about
him and his past rather than just sitting with him not talking.
Also I never remember actually telling him I loved him.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is not the end of the line. I believe that many more wonderful
things happen to a person once their life here on Earth is done.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The memories of time I was able to spend with the person no matter
how long or short it was.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking with friends and remembering times spent with the person.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The hardest part of for me is that for around a week or two every
thought somehow ends up on that person and times and things shared.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to let them know that it is alright to move on and not to try and
fight and suffer more than needed.
--[My Unknown Person's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Working in a nursing home, we had a resident come in to die. He was
a farmer with a wonderful family. I was amazed at how wonderful
they were to him, he was on Hospice and working with the family
and hospice nurses were a great learning experience. He was only
with us for a couple weeks but the quick relationship with him and
his family have made me realize that death isn't something that
has to be done alone and that every relationship counts, even if
it is somebody you have only known for a day or week.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
If death is supposed to be such a peaceful process, and lead to
better life, why is so much pain involved.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It is best to release the feelings that you are having rather than
to try to hold them in. I have seen many people who have just lost
a person close to them laugh. I helps to realize that your life
will go on even though somebody close to you just died.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Put more effort in getting to actually know about the person.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Spend time and have the special memories that I do have.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I have had several experiences where the dying person is holding
on and continue to do so until someone actually tells him/her that
it is alright to leave and let go.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I big reminder for me is music. If I hear a song that I can relate
to time spent with that person or a new song that reminds me of
them or a special moment with them.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Unfortunatly, I think that if the death of my grandfather hadn't
happened, I wouldn't have taken the extra effort to actually get
to know the people that are close to me such as my Grandmother.
The realization that I really didn't know my Grandfather as a
person has made me able to get to know others that are now still
so important in my life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk to him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The disease was at the point that there really wasn't much that
they could do but to maintain as much comfort as possible.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Unfortuanatly, we didn't have a Hopsice to help with the experience.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I feel that is a persons relationship with God that is important,
not that they went to church every Sunday or that the preacher
comes and visits in the days leading to death.
--Religious Affiliation:
Presbyterian
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Working in a nursing home has made me aware of many of the signs of
death, such as the modling of the skin, the filling of the lungs,
and coloring. There are many signs, but not all are present for
each person.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Talking about the person seems to be what helps the most in the
families that I have dealt with.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
As I stated earlier in this survey, I woke up to see my Grandfather
standing at the foot of my bed just moments before we got the call
of his death. I knew when I saw him there that his suffering was
over, and I was crying before the phone rang.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I wish that I had known then that he wouldn't be here forever and
taken the time to get to know him and the little things about him
that I can't remember now.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Just to be able to tell him how much I loved him.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Organ donation is very important to me. I have made sure that
everyone close to me who would have to make that decision is aware
that I want to be an organ doner. Also I have done all the legal
paperwork so that my wishes are legal known.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I will deal with my own death when the time is closer, right now
I need to focus my attention on living.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
I work in a nursing home and deal with death quite often, it has
kind of made me desensitised to death when it comes to personal loss.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
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Mon Jan 14 19:43:29 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer and pnemonia; Aged: 89.
--Details:
my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer in 95 but wouldn't tell me
because i was pregnent. it didn't affect me as i am strong and the
word cancer only means what are they fighting it with. the cancer
was removed a free from further cancer for 2 years after that. then
it was back and his right leg just above knee was amputated. cancer
was gone again for 2 years but returned worse and unable to recover
from that contracted pnemonia and my grandmother just said comfort
measures and let him go. that was what he wanted too.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
there must be something out there that we don't see until we die.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
the first time i witnessed a death i was at work at a nursing
home. taking vitals of a patiant, couldn't get his blood pressure
and looked down to find him not breathing but dead. most deaths i
witness are a blessing as the person is not well.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't try to get them to do things they did when well. let them
decide things for themselves.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
respect
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Upbringing
also prayer that my grandmother wouldn't greave but remember
her mother
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
not being able to go to it
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Mon Jan 14 17:57:52 2002
F19 in toledo, ohio =usa=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 82.
--Details:
He found out he had lung cancer caused by smoking in which he had
quit 30 or 40 years back. He went up and down with the treatment
but it slowly took his life away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
no longer living on earth. Your soul goes to heaven but your body
no longer lives on earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not understand what had happened. I knew everyone was sad and
that I would no longer see my grandma anymore.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling sad that my grandpa had to suffer. His body kept getting
skinnier and unstable. When he passed away I was very sad and
cried a lot because I missed him.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it can be a positive thing. If you live a full life death does
not have be completely negative.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my grandpa was going to be in a better place. His suffering
was over.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to my mom about my grandpa's life. I found out he lived
a full life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I would not see him anymore and that I he would miss
me growing up.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
remember all the goods time when I reflect on his life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I learned about where you go after death.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I couldn't cry anymore and my emotions were all mixed up.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with him and actually value that time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have a loving relationship with my grandpa.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandpa turned to me and said, "Hunny don't ever start smoking."
I realized how something like that can ruin your life and cause
suffering so I will never ever smoke.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember back to how I felt at the time of the death.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I imagine my life being like it was before. Having him visit me
and come to my graduation would have put a smile on my face.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I don't get to grow up with a grandpa like all my other
friends do.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring him back and talk to him about death.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
there is so much technology to try and help save one's life but he
went through so much suffering even through treatment, I wonder if
it was all worth it?
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
God excepts people who have faith in him and give them a life
after death.
--Regarding MONEY:
he had a lot of medical bills to be taken care of and each child
had to seperate his savings.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
he had a flag over his coffin for being in World War II and i saw
my dad cry for the first time.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing my grandpa right afterhe died in the hospital.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
acceptance of dying. I watched him gradually realize his end was
coming and he became peaceful.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
help prepare yourself and make sure not to leave any conflicts
unresolved with loved ones.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope that they could tell me how wonderful heaven is and
they are watching over me and seeing how I am growing as a person.
I wouldn't be so sad about their death...just more happy that they
are ok.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had a dream one night that I kid from my school ( who shot himself
in the head) talked to me about how he was much happier now that he
was free of all his troubles that made him do what he did. I felt
really weird that morning but better about where he was and how he
felt now. I really felt like I was talking to him.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want to make sure that I have a will and the payment stuff
plotted out so my living family doesn't have extra stress at such
a hard time.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't like to think about my own death. I get sad thinking of all
the people that I love and how they feel when I leave them behind.
I do think about how anyone can die at any given time and you can't
do a thing about it. it is scary.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I said goodbye to my grandpa before his coffin was put into the
ground. I also took a rose off his coffin which meant a lot to me
to have.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I've made it a habit to make sure the people I love know how I feel
about them.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I feel a certain closeness with my cousins when we talk about times
we had with my grandpa.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It reminded me of all the feelings I went through at the time of
my grandpa's death. It reminds me how death changed my feelings
in many ways.
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Fri Jan 11 14:35:51 2002
F Guest in =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
search on death and dying
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 Months ago.
Cause of Death: accident; Aged: 12.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
F Guest in =USA=
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Fri Jan 11 04:49:54 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3-4 Months ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 76.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
relief
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was happy for them and wished i could do it myself
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
crying
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
its not a bad thing
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i dont
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i didn't need suport
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
everyone else's feelings
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be happy, u've lived your life and now your free
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Still has not
What Helped me most deal with death? Rage
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
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Thu Jan 10 08:30:21 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
All
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: Liver failure/cancer; Aged: 51.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
On a linear plane is is the physical loss of a person/animal/plant.
On a spiritual palne it is the crossing of a soul from physical
form to spiritual.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt changed forever!
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mother's recollection of other lives lived, our interaction with
her then and her need to express love, forgiveness and permission
to cross over
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
it can not be hidden in a closet and can not be healed and over
within a 3 day leave! It becomes part of who you are and should
be recognized as a life changing event!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the knowing that death on a physical level is not the end of life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
MY friend and professional counselor, Eileen Leary... she is a
professor at Adirondack Community College in NY and taught me through
her classes " Death & Dying" and following " Grief and Bereavement".
I was also a Hospice volunteer.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The loss! Socially... no longer a part of the couple network.
The loss of alledged friends as they now feel threatened that I want
their husbands as I no longer have one and that is the farthest from
my mind. I miss the companionship and having someone to share joys
and hardships with.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Telling them how they matter to you and how much they are loved
and cherished! It is all that matters! Othewr items are giving
permission for them to go, helping them complete their tasks (ie:
legal, financial, forgiving, meetings to be arranged and such)
Yopu also need to allow them to have control and be included in
discussions concerning their care, well-being and power to make
decisions. Support! It's their death not yours! Allow them to do
what they must to cross over with a free heart. Touch! Hold their
hand, caress their brow, rub their feet. Yopu can't catch death!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My dog was dying and I was unsure exactly what he needed as far
as closeness, pain management, touch and being there to support
his work.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It is the most normal form of release... the quiet, hushed voices.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
No regrets!
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there to support their needs and tell them I loved them!
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I felt an immense calm settle over me. I felt the desperate need
to rest.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
a physician. Doctor's are useless and most times harmful during
a persons death. They have a very hard time allowing someone to
naturally die. They always feel the need to try one more thing
and do desperate measures to try to make one more heroic attempt
to save them at all costs and without concern for the dying one's
quality of death/life.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I smell something, hear a song, an anniversary or holiday! STUGS!
Ugh!
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't have these dreams or thoughts. They may start but, end
abruptly as my loved one's would be suffering horribly and I could
not want or expect anyone to do that for me!
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I am so tired of being on this earth life.... when is it my time
to go home!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
again! I want to go home and be done with this life! I miss them
and want to be reunited! What do I have left to do here!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
am so very sad.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Their only use is pain management!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My husbands doctor
had such a hard time telling us he waited 3 days! 3 days that we
could have put to very good use indeed! Mt father in-law's doctor
wanted to try one more thing.... he died within 8 hours of that hope
given to the family! They can be the most harmful and denying!
Hospice is the closest thing to a good medical service depending
upon the politics and experience of you area Hospice.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They were a supportive group. They can be a bit crass about it as
they accept that death is inevitable and don';t always work their
way gently to test the families awareness.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
TOO MANY RULES!Organized religion is there for political reasons
throughout history! Believe in a higher intelligence that is all
knowing,loving and FORGIVING! No but's attached!
--Religious Affiliation:
I have been exposed to Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Mormon, Judiasm,
Hindu and Johovah's Witnedss
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
What we do affects all! We are one
--Regarding MONEY:
We are now rich! People tend to treat you different and often times
take advantage of you. Friends, strangers and especially family!
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was a moving spiritual experience and changed the outlook on
death, funerals and mourning to all in attendance
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The knowing of it before it happened or was diagnosed
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Lowering of heart, blood pressure, temperature, eating diminished.
Seeing or talking to one's not seen by the non-dying. Unususal
physical ability at the end of life ( one last time things) Sleep!
Graying of feet and fingers. The breathing becomes rattled and
unsteady. The eyes start to dry and fade.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I needed to feel it! I was put on anti-depressants and find that
a year later I am needing to go through the process again as it was
tampered with. I also understand that lack of sleep, food and the
will to live are signs if persistent that there are severe problems.
Find a counselor taht specifically works with death and dying.
BEWARE! Most are not specialists in this arena and could do more
harm than good.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I experienced it, saw it and felt it! Life changing! It brought
hope from dispair and a knowledge that they never really leave you.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
The things that were important like ego, money, work and such is
no longer the basis of their life and now find personal things like
family, friends and love to be the only thing that matters
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Journaling your feelings daily helps to see where you've been and
where you are going. Ask for forgiveness and know that they are
all loving now and no longer under the control of their ego's
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would express gratitude for their time, gifts and teachings.
I would remind them that they are loved and did a good job here.
I would ask that they forgive themselves and not judge themselves
harshly as wee all fall at times and that's part of the learning.
I would ask that they contimue to guide me and offer me their love
and support.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have conversations telepathically with my mother. Initially they
were quite often and now are much less.
I cried in my sleep one night unknowingly and woke to find my
eyes swollen and red from the tears. Later that day I found out
that my father-in law died and my husband was the one to bring
him home. I have not heard, dreamed or seen my husband.
For months after my grandfather died I saw him everywhere. I saw
him again the night my grandmother was dying as he was sitting next
to me in my car. He looked at me with love and smiled. He also
visited my mother in the hospital prior to my grandmothers death
and touched her shoulder. She knew without a doubt it was him.
Since the passing of my dog this new year's, I see himne everywhere.
Always just around the corner.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
All taken care of! I have by mid-wives in order and fully trained
to do my wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
When it's my time, I'm going!!!!! I have my estate in order, my
finances are outlined for ease of understanding and my loved one's
understand that I am to be an organ donor and no life prolonging
devises are to be used... ever! My daughter will be well cared
for and financially secure and she knows it! She also knows that
I will always watch over her and love her! I would be sad to leav
them behind and I understand the grief.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
DO NOT EVER USE THE WORD CLOSURE !!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU!
CLOSURE IS SOMETHING THAT TAKES PLACE WHEN YOU SELL A HOUSE. DEATH
IS A DANCE THAT BECOMES WHO YOU ARE. IT IS NEVER OVER. DUE TO
THE WORDING ON THIS QUESTION, I WILL NOT ANSWER IT! CHANGE YOUR
WORDS!!!!!! THEY ARE OFFENSIVE!!!!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
You never go back to your old life...and you are forever changed
by it! I spoke with them when they were alive and why should I stop
just because they no longer have a body on earth
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I am closer and more intimately bonded with those that were part
of the process and compassionate of the event and the days, weeks,
months, years later.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I am able to understand first hand the process, pain and love.
I share it and remind them to look for the gifts during the death
and after. They are always there!!!
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Other than the word "closure" it was okay. Get rid of closure!
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
See above! I can not begin to express my hate for it's usage
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Jan 9 12:25:25 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother-in-Law, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 40.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death represents the end to the people we leave behind. Hopefully it
represents new life to those who pass on. Depending on the nature
of the relationship with your family, death may be taught to us as
something bad, something to be feared.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was just a young child. It was a great aunt of mine and I really
didn't feel anything. I remember visiting her with my mother before
she died. She seemed old and frail. I didn't go the funeral, but
I remember my cousins relating some of the events to me. I don't
recall any scary about the experience, or knowledge of her death.
--That first time, how it happened was
My mother's aunt died when I was about 7 or 8. some of my cousins
went to the funeral and related the details to me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being overwhelmed with emotion. My first significant death occurred
in my early twenties. It was someone close to me and it hit me like
a truck. I remember being okay before and after the funeral, but
the emotions that welled up att he funeral were almost unbearable.
I was trying to be strong, and not to cry, but I couldn't help it.
I am extremely emotional, and discovered just how much so at this
funeral.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to fear it. To educate our children at the right age that
death is merely one more step in life. Embrace questions that
our children ask us. Learn how to especially communicate death to
sensitive children.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
just knowing and having been close to the people who have died.
I will always have memories to look back on. Though my immediate
memories bring on tears or sadness, I immediately try to remember
something good or funny. Or I just try to be thankful that I had
them in my life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing that could openly express my tears and sadness in front
of family and friends. Once the initial shock was over, I knew I
could count on my husband for support and understanding.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Realizing that I will eventually lose someone very close to me
(husband, mother, brother)
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Dignity. Family. Friends. Love. Peace
--[My cat's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
survived. I didn't think the pain was ease, I didn't think I could
handle it. And because I had to make the decision to put my cat
down, I felt guilty. But eventually those emotions lessened, and
I realized that his death was for the better. There was no more
suffering for him.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had to make the decision to put my cat down. I felt like God
should have just taken him from me, and not put his fate in my hands.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughter can be the best medicine. Remembering something funny
the person did reminds us of why they were so special to us and
why they will be missed.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say goodbye
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It wouldn't differ. I would be the same person and the relationship
I had with that person would be the same. I believe we do what we
do because we weren't meant to do it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
the person was too young, or didn't deserve to die that way
(terminal illness).
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
make everyone live forever, but then we'd all look old and wrinkly.
Not an attractive sight. What I really wish is that I could snap
my fingers and accept death as something natural, not to be feared.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became scared. I realized that we will all die. whenever I think
about death, I think about life. I evaluate what I;m doing,
where I am. I realize how happy and content I am. How secure
and dependant I am in my relationships. And knowing that those
relationships will eventually end ind eath, scares me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Our vet was extremely supportive to our emotional needs and to
ensuring the proper care of our cat right to the end.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the final resting place. The place where I would say goodbye to
the physical person. The structure didn't offer much comfort though.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that people came together to remember and to grieve. For the most
part everyone tried to keep it lighthearted. Occasionally there
would be outbursts of emotions, but everyone tried to be strong.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
was seeing the corpse in the casket. Never again.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I just dealt with each issue as it came. As parts of the illness
grew, and newer incapabilities or disabilities became obvious,
I figured how I would deal with them.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I believe it's true. We had two deaths within a week of one another.
One person had a troubled soul and the other, a soul of an angel.
The troubled soul died first and the angel knew her time would be
soon and that she would take care of the troubled soul in heaven.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
we'll be together again.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I fear death. I think about my death and those I love from time
to time and it scares me. I am just so happy and thankful for the
relationships I have, I guess I figure that death represents the
end of all the happiness.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I like to write down my emotions. Writing helps me discover any
subconscious thoughts and allow me to grieve just a bit more until
the pain eases.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I guess being a child, I just moved on to the next thing
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
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Tue Jan 8 19:56:30 2002
F35 in Denver, CO =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 11.
--Details:
We lost our dog (we have no kids) to a very sudden and very
frightening bout with cancer and hemolytic anemia. I was alone
trying to deal with this, and had to euthanize her.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an end to our existence. We cease to breath, to think, to
function. We..."end".
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was honestly relieved -- he had died after a long and protacted
illness.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather died after a long struggle with liver cancer which
metastesized to his bones. We were not always close, and he was
quite old. He was the first of my grandparents to die.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
people not understanding that I was upset about the loss of a
non-human member of my family. Being sad about a dog was somehow
not acceptable and I should "buck up" about it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
we need to stop investing death with mystical powers and religious
trappings. We, like every other thing on earth, end with no fanfare
and no special treatment.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the outpouring of friendship and laughter at my grandmother's
funeral from cousins and friends I hadn't seen in years.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Old photographs and research into my genealogy.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Trying to live up to everyone's expectation of my behavior --
if you don't wail and weep and act in a very certain way, you are
viewed suspiciously and seen as "unfeeling" or cold.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't patronize and don't assume the person is OK just because they
are quiet or not weeping. Let them TELL you what they want/need.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Dealing with the responses of my family -- some screamed, some cried,
some yelled. Normal behavior went right out the window.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laugh! Laugh all you want and laugh loudly and with joy as you come
together with the people and family you are with to remember the
person who died. What better remembrance can there be?
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
See my grandmother before she died, to tell her what I remembered of
her life and time we spent together. It would have made her ending
a bit easier for her, I think.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Retrieve all my grandmother's old photographs from the overzealous
"cleaning" of an aunt, who was going to throw everyting away.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I watched my father trying to tie his tie when he was readying
himself to speak at the funeral. He was so nervous he couldn't do
it, even though he'd done it every day for fifty years. He never
wavered, never seemed broken during the funeral except for that
small moment. I knew how much he cared.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Having those little "programs" that listed relatives and family
and the rest. Why? WHy do they have them at weddings, too?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I don't really get teary eyed about it. I do occassionally get
anxious about losing my husband, but it is the normal fear of being
alone, not of death itself.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I'd definitely spend more time with the family that I have!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was not really upset. I've always viewed death (even from when I
was a child) as simply the end. Live, be remembered, be done.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
understanding. They try, they do the best they can, but they aren't
magicians. I feel their frustration that they can't do anything.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
these are some of the most caring and patient people I have ever met.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a stifling, nasty, and negative impression at the funeral. I can't
stand the "please accept this sinner" attitude that everyone was
so awful and must be granted some sort of serenity and grace, if
they so seek it. The minister forgot my g.m's name, and insulted
most of our family. My grandmother's church and her pastor weren't
interested in her at all when she was alive and needed attention,
but when she died, they were insistent on their right to "run"
the funeral.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was a Roman Catholic until the age of 10. I've been a strong
atheist for the last 25 years. Never looked back.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like the coming together of care and sincere hope and life.
--Regarding MONEY:
it wasn't an issue for my family, but for a close friend, her family
was completely focused on money -- not only what the funeral cost,
but on what they were going to get out of it. I actually heard one
son say that he wasn't going to pay for any flowers, since he was
only going to get $1500 from his mother's life insurance. Then they
cleared out and sold the contents of her house less then two days
after the funeral.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
At least one single woman at the funeral seemed to think it was a
good time to troll for a date. How bizarre.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The formal, ritualistic actions of everyone, from the correct
greetings to the correct order of speakers, to the correct
tie. Everyone seemed to be going through the motions and repeating
the same platitudes almost absently, with no thought at all.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
slow, uneven breathing -- you don't know if the next breath with
occur, and keep waiting until it doesn't. It sounds so excrutiating
and so nerve-wracking. Death is not quiet, and often is not clean
and simple, like it is in the movies. People don't often silently
sigh out their last breath after giving a soliloquy...they fight
until the end.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Remembering as much as I can and getting it down on paper are
critical for me to deal with losing someone. Avoiding people who
want to stifle me with sugary-sweet sympathy because they think
they should, but don't really feel it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Not aware of anything.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I certainly hope that by the time I am old and sick there is the
option of assisted suicide, should I desire it. People have a right
to die in the manner they choose, when they choose it. have a living
will, and a medical power of attorney,a nd make sure that your family
knows exactly what you want and where to find your papers, etc.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't dread it -- but neither do I think about it much except to
realize that I want people to remember me well, and live my life
in a way that will positively impact people.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Nothing specific.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
Knowledge of his long and interesting life.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
I was supposed to be devastated. I was not and it angered my family.
F35 in Denver, CO =USA=
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Tue Jan 8 19:41:52 2002
F34 in Calgary, Alberta =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Read About it: ]
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Prof/Studies: psychologoy student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying (or something like that, I can't remember
the name)
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elizabeth Kubler Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 36.
--Details:
He died at home surrounded by his family. It is something that
I will never forget. He struggled until the final breaths that
he took. It was an amazing experience, one that I hope I never
have to experience again, but truly amazing.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something that we are scared to happen but people keep saying that
we will be going to a better place, if this is so, why are we so
frightened?
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't quite understand what was happening, or what my grandmother
would have to go through, until know, I finally understand.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the last 3 breaths my husband took before he died.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it doesn't happen like it shows in the movies or television.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I was there to experience it, that I was there to talk to
my husband, hold his hand and help him to continue on with his
new journey.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The books that I read, having my family there with me and most
important was the group grief sessions that I attended. It helped
me to know that I was not alone, there were others, like me, young
and without a spouse.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that you will be alone. That the life that my husband and
I planned for would not be happening. I would have to be doing
things alone from now on.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
make sure that you have no regrets. Say what you have to say to
the person. There is no going back once the person has died.
Just be there for that person. Tell them how much you love them
and how much they mean to you.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to be strong for my husband, I was a rock, and realized
that I could do anything that I put my mind to.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
there were times where i couldn't stand to see him struggle or in
pain, and was wondering what was taking so long, then there were
times when I would panick and wonder why it had to be so soon.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
no regrets, maybe just more time with my husband.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for my husband in his final days and hours. It was very
important for me to be there for him, and the family and I was.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
even though my husband could hardly talk the day before he died,
I walked into the room and he had a clear, strong voice and told
me he loved me and to have sweet dreams. It still makes me wonder
if that meant that he would come to me in my dreams.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that once my husband died, we asked to have the body removed right
away. I didn't feel that he was there anymore. After seeing him
die, I believe that he left his body and went somewhere else.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I AM NOT OVER IT, NOR WILL I BE FOR A VERY LONG TIME, HE WAS THE
LOVE OF MY LIFE, GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN!!!!!
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why my husband, why does he have to have this disease and why does
it have to be now.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
reach out and touch my husband. Talk with him, hold him and have
him hold me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was at the graveside a few days after he died and realized that
he was gone, and would not be coming back. It hurt so bad that I
thought I would explode.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
greatness, the palliative care doctor and nurses were incredible.
They were there for us every moment and we couldn't have gotten
through things without them!!!!!
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I only contacted them by phone to talk about my child and how
to deal with him and his dad's terminal illness. They were very
helpful and I was glad that I could talk to them.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
having the minister come to us for a discussion about death and
dying, having communion given at our home. Having the minister
talking with my husband a few days before he died.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic and anglican
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that it seemed like a movie and wasn't really happening.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how the other family members around me dealt with my husband's death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loss of appetite, loss of the desire to drink. A gurgling sound
when breathing. More of a sleepy state.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
let things out.....DO NOT KEEP THEM INSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
first he would wave at someone or something and smile. Then he
would pull on his shirt and scream Pull, pull, pull the plug,
only he wasn't hooked up to any machinery, then he would say stop
laughing at me, which no one was laughing at him.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
There are many issues that I need to get out with my husband.
He did not deal with his diagnosis very well and made me his target
of anger, and hurt me in many ways. He tried to make amends in the
last few months of his life but there are still many issues that I
try to resolve on a daily basis. To try and resolve them I write
letters to my husband and one day may write his response.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just want to know how he is, and talk to him about all
the unresolved issues. Tell him how much I love him and miss him.
Ask advice regarding our son.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My husband has been in my dreams a few times, we just laugh and hold
each other, I am not sure if he is coming to me or it is because
I am thinking about him, I hope it is him who is coming to me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Know what the final wishes are, so that there is no confusion when
the time comes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am no longer afraid to die because that would mean that I am
reunited with my husband. But there are still lots of things
that I need to do here so it is not something that I wish for.
If I was diagnosed with a terminal disease tomorrow, I would be
able to face both my life and impending death.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Just friendships I have made through my grief support group.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Passage of Time
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
There were many people that reached out to me. I have changed career
goals and have now decided to get into grief counselling and family
counselling dealing with a death of a family member. Looking back,
I needed someone to help me to understand all that my husband was
going through. He also needed people to reach out to him to help
him with what he had to face. He was in complete denial except
when he was with me, which I think was part of the problem.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes, everything helps just a little.
F34 in Calgary, Alberta =Canada=
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Mon Jan 7 17:40:47 2002
F19 in Lewisham, London =England=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 11 Months ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 18.
--Details:
He disappeared for a few days, went to a hardware store to get some
rope and hung himself in his mom's house without leaving a note.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our life in our physical bodies.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried for what seemed like forever and felt like i was going to
die too.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being so angry at the bastard for leaving us all and for not
even explaining why he left me. And angry for what he's done to
his mother.
--What I think my (England) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it's not a bad thing. It's just the end one tiny part of
our life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my memories of the people that i've lost. The silly things that
they did that still make me laugh. The little things.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends. And tranquilizers.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
waking up every day and realizing over and over again that i'll never
see any of these people ever again in this lifetime. And having
to accept it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
talk to them. Sit with them. Re-live any happy memories you had
together. Put yourself in their position - what would you want? Help
them get the best out of what's left not dwell on the inevitable
separation.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i found out he was dead and how he died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
if i hadn't made myself laugh i would've curled up and died.
I want to cry but i've got to laugh....
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
call him and tell him that killing himself is not only a stupid
thing to do but a goddamn selfish thing and that he can call me
any time if he needs someone to talk to.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there in some way for my friends.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people who'd only met him twice stood up at his funeral to say
things - one girl talked about how he'd tried to insult her and
she laughed in his face - that's how they started talking and began
the friendship process.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i'm caught off-guard. Like i'm at work and i'm listening to the
radio and i feel like i've almost forgotten about it then a song
comes on that reminds me of him and it feels like i've been slapped
in the face.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it wouldn't be perfect but it'd be better. I'd rather be anywhere
than here.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why couldn't he take me with him? why was he so damn selfish?
why wasn't it me?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring him back and shake him. Or join him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried and cried. I got really angry and i cried some more.
I got really mad and then i began to get really depressed.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
indifference. He was already dead by the time they arrived.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing at all.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people's lives he touched. The chapel couldn't accomodate
all the people who's lives he'd walked into - even if only for
a moment.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it consists of crying, anger, depression, and eventual but painful
and begrudging acceptance.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I never told him that i truly loved him. I really loved him and he
never knew and will never know now. I have no clue how to reslove
these feelings.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Tell him how much i love him and that i wanted to be with him
forever. I want him to tell me that he's happy now.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'd want to try and resolve things with loved ones that i've argued
with. I'm not scared of death itself but i'm fearful of dying alone.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
listening to songs that remind me of him and immersing myself in
the music.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
saying hi to him when i walk past his picture. I still try and
immerse myself in the music.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i let one of my friends move in with me on a temporary basis until
she felt able to cope on her own. We talked about what had happened
all night and went to see his other friends.
F19 in Lewisham, London =England=
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Wed Jan 2 11:57:05 2002
F54 in Tucson, AZ =U.S.A.=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Secretary
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Life After Life, On Death And Dying, Saved By the Light, One
Last Time
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Dr. Raymond Moody, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, Danion Brinkley,
John Edward
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 76.
--Details:
The cancer started in his lungs and had spread to his liver, thyroid
and brain. I wasn't present when he died, because he lived in Italy
and I lived in the U.S. My family tells me that my father suffered
a great deal and for a long time prior to his death. His body had
swallen almost to double his size, but he remained conscious to the
end, although during his last two days on earth he could no longer
speak. Just prior to drawing his last breath, my mother says his
gaze remained focused to a corner by the window and his expression
was one of utter surprise, as if he had seen someone or something
wonderful. After he passed on, his body returned to his normal size
and his facial expression was one of peace and serenity.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Like opening a door into a Realm of Light and Love, Like coming Home,
Like taking a trip to a distant, wonderful Country full of wonders
and of new discoveries, or like a graduation to a higher level of
existence, or like an awakening from a state of sleep into Reality,
or a new Birth where we are transformed into a higher plane of
existence, Like an entrance into blissful awareness where we are
offered new and different opportunities to draw closer to God,
our Father.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 6 years old and I was too young to understand what it really
meant.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How glad I am that I wasn't there to witness it. I prefer to remember
that person as he was when he was in good health.
--What I think my (U.S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that Death doesn't really exist. What we call "death" is an
experience meaning to convey a sense of finality on this side of
existence, but it's not the end, hence it's not real. We don't like
death for two main reasons: 1. In usually involves some physical
suffering, and 2. It almost always involves a permanent and final
separation from loved ones. However, if we analyze each point,
how many times have we endured physical sufferings that could have
been the prelude of death, yet we haven't died. So the mistique
associated with physical suffering relays heavily on fear of the
unknown and on the anxiety which it entails. As for separation from
loved ones, ever so often we experience permanent or semi-permanent
separations from loved ones when a family member emigrates to another
Country and we know we may never see him/her again. Parents raise
their children and, after what seems like a lifetime together,
they see them leave the nest and settle hundreds or thousands of
miles away. These experiences are similar to the separation that
occur as a result of death. We need to overcome the feeling of
taboo associated with death and dieing. We are mortal and death is
a natural occurrence. Consequently, it seems logical that people
should be able to talk about it, to prepare for it, and to accept
it with joyful expectation.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Becoming educated on the subject of Death through reading about
other people's Near Death Experiences. These experiences graciously
handed over by common folks such as myself, have helped reinforce my
already strong Faith in the Afterlife as well as the importance to
be ready when my time comes. Of course their love-stressing message
echoes Jesus' words in the Gospels, so I really find it comforting
and encouraging to read anything that can help me focus and expand
on Jesus' Message. Most NDE's do just that.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Books and movies.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The thought that the dieing person had to endure terrible pain
prior to his/her departing. In the case of suicide, the fear that
that person might still be dealing with a tormented existence and
not be at peace.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Even if the dieing person appears to be unconscious and unaware of
one's presence by their deathbed, our being there for them remains
an act of love that will enrich the Universe. It will not be lost or
forgotten. It is also possible that the dieing person's consciousness
may have left the physical body and be fully aware of our presence
and of our love for him/her which, I am sure he/she will appreciate
for all eternity.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Although my Father was 76 when he died of cancer, he never gave
up fighting. I was surprised to see that, although he must have
known that his time had come, he continued to cling to hope, and he
submitted himself to long and painful treatments to prolong what
was left of his life on earth even if the quality of that life
left much to be desired. I am sure this was an altruistic gesture
having to do with not wanting to leave my Mother alone (they had
been married for 51 years).
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
If life becomes so hard and painful, why cling to it? Especially if
one believes in the Afterlife. I find it hard to understand. Although
in great pain, my Father was always reluctant to take his morphine
because he wanted to remain lucid to the end. Likewise, I am told
he was also afraid to go to sleep for fear of never waking up
again. When he finally did take his pain medication, he would do so
sparingly and only when the agony had become positively unbearable. I
would have prefered to know that he was comfortable and unafraid,
even if it meant that he remained unconscious because of the effects
of his pain medication.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have a heart-to-heart talk with my Father before he died. When I
left him to return home to the U.S. he was in bed with a fever,
his thin and emaciated body ravaged by the harmful effects of
chemotherapy. He was still going through the stages of anger
and denial and, because of his mood swings, I found it difficult
to want to spend more time by his bedside. I really should have
spent all my time by his bedside because that's why I was there,
but I have always found it difficult to really be with my Father. I
never felt that what I said to him carried any impact, or held any
value. I would have liked it very much if he had really talked to
me about his feelings, his fears, his hopes and his Faith during
the time of my two-month visit with him but the chemo robbed him of
his strength and of whatever little health he had left. He handled
the situation the best he could, but I should have been more mature
and more understanding of what he was going through.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
See him one last time while he was still OK, just a day or two prior
to his first chemo treatment. Afterwards he was no longer himself.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I hope to meet my Father in the next world one day, and that
he will see then that I really loved him and cared about him,
and appreciated him and all the things he did for me and for
his grandchildren. Likewise I would like him to also see that I
never meant to give him any pain and if I did it was accidental
and unvoluntary. I would like him to see that I am not as bad at
heart as he thought I was.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that death should be a dreadfully long and painful process for
some and so quick and easy for others. Especially in the case of
children, but in general, it seems like an unfair thing to me. It
should be quick and easy for everybody, but obviously it is not,
and no one has the answer to that question.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk to him, and hear him talk to me to see if now he has accepted
me as I am and perhaps discovered that I too might have something
good and worthwhile to offer. I know that he has always loved me,
but he has never appreciated me for the way I am.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Doctors do what they can, of course, but we remain mortal. After
seeing my Father's health quickly deteriorate following his chemo
therapy, I decided that if I ever came down with cancer I would not
submit to the same treatment. It didn't help my Father at all. It
only made him sicker and he died anyway.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I think hospices are extremely helpful, and I might consider checking
in when and if the time comes.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Religion is fine in the sense that it points towards spirituality
which in turn focuses on values such as Love, Faith, and
Hope. Religion is like a finger pointed at a distant star. A lot
of people stop to look at the finger, instead of the star! Other
people use Religion as a vehicle to help them get to that star. I
value my Religion because it is the only Religion in the world that
offers me the Physical Presence of Jesus in His Body and Blood. So
when I die, I hope I can receive Him one last time in the way He
chose to be received by us while on this earth.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
It's a downright SHAME that there should be opportunists preying
on the grief of others at such times as the death of a loved
one. Funeral services should be like school uniforms. Same and
standardized for everyone, affordably flat-priced and automatic so
that the burden of planning and finding the money for endless and
useless services would be eliminated altogether.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I have never been by anybody's deathbed in their final days, thank
God, so I don't know the answer to this question.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I have always maintained that there is an Afterlife and the departed
loved one is in a better, happy place. It is difficult to deal
with that aspect of reality if one is being closely affected by the
sight of physical dissolution of the human body. But since I have
never had that experience, I have the freedom to dwell on the more
positive aspect of the death and dieing process.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It seems to me that the wishes of the dieing person are all too
often ignored in support of accepted medical practices of standard
procedure to support or prolong life at all costs. It seems to me
that this materialistically oriented point of view leaves absolutely
no room for tolerance and/or acceptance of an individual belief in
an Afterlife. The dieing person is often forced to undergo scores
of painful and undignified tests and treatments which prevent
him/her from preparing him/herself for his/her final journey. I
firmly believe that everyone should have a legal Living Will clearly
stating the parameters and boundaries of acceptable medical treatment
and when it is time to just pull the plug.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just being with the dieing person can be a big help. The thought
of death and oblivion can be very frightening to some people and
sometimes company can be of some comfort to the dieing individual,
because even if death is something one must do alone, one needs
not be alone.
F54 in Tucson, AZ =U.S.A.=
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Tue Jan 1 23:41:17 2002
F22 in Buenos Aires, Buenos Aires =Argentina=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Publicity
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 8 Months ago.
Cause of Death: a car accident; Aged: 21.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something I'll never understand, I don't belive I could ever explain
it. Something so simple, so ordinar yet...
I guess I colud say
that death is pain, a pain that will live inside you forever, and
the only way of dealinf with it is getting used to live with that
yearning inside you. Then one day you'll be surprised, seeing that
tough the pain still lives in you, you've become so used to it...
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and cried, I didn't really knew the person, I just felt
distressed at the dying notion.
--That first time, how it happened was
I don't really remeber what typw of relationship I had with this
person, I guess he was a distant family friend, and when my mother
told me he had died I felt deeply troubled, I creid a lot, it was
the first time I heard of someone dying.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Well, a friend of mine was driving the car in which my friend died,
so I had the sorrow of my friend's death plus the extreme pain and
worring for my other friend (the one who drived).
But as time
went on and I could see the things with a cooler head we all started
remembering my friends life, a spectacular one. Today we still miss
him, but he tought us so many things on his breef stay among us, he
tought us the power of a smile, the value of taking time to look into
someone's eyes, he tought us that life is short hence we have to live
every day at our most trying to be as true to ourselves as possible.
--What I think my (Argentina) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I was born in a catholic family, went to an extremly catholic school,
they belive in heaven I don't. But I can't find a flaw in that,
each person deals with the pain of loosing someone you love in the
best way they can.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
for the time I had to share with the ones that died. I belive in
the power of memories, and as long as I am around the people I've
lost will always live in me. So I'm grateful because I colud learn
through death this. I also tought me to enjoy life, not just the
big things, but the simple and little ones, a flower bed, wind...
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My friends, my family, and time to be alone. I think that though
external help is always welcomed, it's the inner force that everyone
has the one that will make you deal with death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The tought that I colud never see that person again, I wolud never
see the stars with him again, I would never leugh with him, I would
never see his wonderfull eyes.
The fact that life does go on,
and that you wont be able to share all it's wonders with the person
you loose I think it's the hardest part.
It's strange, but as time
goes by I find myself missing detalis, the small things that made
him unique.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Take te ordinary things as what they are.
The pain will never leave
but you'll end learning to live with it.
Be grateful for the time
you had with this person, cherish every memorie youy have because
he lives there. And learn, not just from the death exerience but
from him, that's his legacy.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Enjoy life. This has been one of the hardest years of my life,
to add to my friend's death my best friend has been in a coma for
five months now. Yet I'e never felt so alive, so grateful, so sad
and happy, I laugh and cry, I go from despair to acceptance.
But
I've learnt that this is only natural, that life works in this way,
mysteroius ways.
Never loose hope, things do happen for a reason,
pain is the dest teacher ever, and after ypu deal with it you'll
find you have an older soul, but wiser.
Don't let the bad things
pull you down, this world is based on opposites, we wouldn't have
life without death, so never loose the joy of living.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Someone told me it had happened. I could'nt understand the words
coming out of this persons mouth, I couldn't walk let alone
breath... My head spinned around, and it echoed "Why?" and "Itcan
be true.... someone please tell me it isnīt true".
It was a feeling
very similar to trying to wake up from a nightmear.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
he always made me laugh. I started rememberig several moments
togehter and i just coludn't help laughing.
There's also the stress,
I tend to laugh in very stresfull situations, don't know how. Plus
"the propper behaviour" of the people when this things happen amused
me terribly.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
That I coludn't see him one more time.
Luckily we had a really
close relationship, no secrets, nothing was left to say.
But I just
would kill for one last hug, one last look at his eyes.
Hooo how
I miss him!!!
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know him, it was a true privilege, I'm really proud of him.
He was
one of those persons that can touch your soul, and I touched his,
so I feel I'll always be conected to him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
it tiggerd something inside me, since that day I've never been
the same again. I'm not talking of big changes, just a different
attitude towards life.
I'm not running anymore, I'm enjoying the
sites. Life is not a rod towards a goal, the road is the goal.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Everyone around me kept telling me to go to church, to seek for
comfort in religion.
I don't think it could help me... no comfort
at all came from it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
sometimes when I'm enjoying something, I just can't help but
wishing he was there to share it with me.
I miss him in everyday
situations, I miss his ideas, his silence...
Each time I get all
teary sit's because though I know a part of him lives in me, I also
know a part of me died with him. Each one of us has a particular
and unique perception on each person we know, the person I was
for him is gone. And I wish so hard, that he could come back,
and things could be again as they where. I miss life with him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Life would be nearer to perfection again.
I don't wish for another
reality, I long for him here and now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
not fair, nothing involving death seems fair to me. It's just about
accepting, not about finding a menanig.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
put my head on "hold" for a while. Stop the thoughts flooding my
head at least for a while.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
broke down, the only thing I colud do was cry. I was afraid of
beeing alone... my head was a too dangerous place.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
no thoughts on them.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing, I'm a not beliver, so they couldn't help me.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The general attitude of people there, so solemne, I found it
really funny.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Waking up, each time I went to sleep I forgot about everything,
so when I opended my eyes in the morning it took me some minutes
to remember what had happened, and in a strange way I had to revive
all the death process in minutes.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
We had non unresolved issue, so I'm in peace with that. It makes
me feel really happy that I said him eveything.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd tell him that he'll never even begin to imagine how much I love
him, how grateful I am for the time I spent with him, how privileged
I feel by the fact of having known him.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm trying to live my life in oreder to be able to die with as
little regrets as possible. I'm trying to be loyal to myself and
enjoy every last minute, that's the only way I can think of living,
and the only way in which I could die with no regrets.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I'm a strong belicer in energy, I think that my friend and I had
such an intense bond, and that he had so much energy that it must
be somewhere conecting us in a way. So I like to close my eyes and
seek for that energy, after a while I can feel I'm conecting with
that energy therefore with a part of him. And I stay like that for
an hour or so, just feeling him close.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Actually I've become very close to his family, I always loved
his father, but since he's gone I've become really close to his
whole family.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
After a lot of painfull expiriences, including friend dying very
young, I've come to accept death as something ordinary... it's
part of ones life. A fiend of mine says take te ordinary thingas
as that, worry about the extraodinary ones, and I think these are
very wise words.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
I don't really belive in an afterlife, and that makes death a
difficult issue to deal with sometimes.
F22 in Buenos Aires, Buenos Aires =Argentina=
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See Dec 01 contributions.
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