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See Current contributions.
See Jul 01 contributions.
See Jun 01 contributions.
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Fri Aug 31 09:10:41 2001
F25 in St. Paul, Minnesota =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: administrative assistant
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 10 months ago.
Cause of Death: stroke/complications from fractured rib/emphysema; Aged: 69.
--Details:
She had a small stroke in the bathroom and fell, cracking her rib on
the edge of the bathtub. She had had emphysema for about 17 years.
She died 4 days later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a passage of the soul from the physical reality to an energetic
reality, where the soul can then choose to return to the physical
reality or stay in the energetic realms as a guide or teacher.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried with my own fear of dying and my own desire to go "home".
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My great grandmother died after her third
stroke and a stint in the nursing home, I was 4 or 5, my mother told
me when I was drying the table with the flowered dishtowel. I did
not really understand but I really wanted to attend the funeral,
which I was told I could not do.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I wanted more time to get to know my granny, and wanted to know
more about her life, and our family (she was a geneaologist) and
for her to get to know me and my girlfriend better.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Acceptance and not to tie so many religious icons to it but to learn
to celebrate the passage of the soul. Also to release the social
stigmas attached to death, ie: we should be allowed to grieve for
as long as needed without anyone telling us we need to move on,
if we are in "mourning" because it is expected and not genuine we
need to feel free to break the stigma associated with not heavily
mourning a death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I have become more comfortable with the thought of all the little
deaths in my life and environment, as well as my own impending death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my spiritual philosophy
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the inability to articulate the absolute loss of such a precious
individual in my life. All I could do was cry.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
No matter how scary it is to be there while someone is dying (and
it is really frightening) I was grateful to hold thier hand, and
offer energetic and physical healing, and tell them I Love them. (I
was there for both my grandparent's deaths)
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my family expected me to explain in words the inexplicable experience
of being near my grandparents as they died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was a relief from the seriousness of the moment, a way to remain
in the present even in my grief.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
go to her side right after the death to see the physical proof
that she was gone. I was there while she was dying, and a half
hour after I had driven back home I got the call that she had died.
I did not go back to see her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Spend that night that she died with friends, who were supportive.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I saw the light leave my grandfather's body for the hour after
he died.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
food.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
She is not around to converse with.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would spend more time with her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
really begun to understand how transient and yet how precious the
little things in everyday life are, and even now tenfold I appreciate
people every moment I spend with them.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They were very competent and compassionate.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
The same as above
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. We arranged the service ourselves.
--Religious Affiliation:
Mine, I was raised Presbyterian but have not practiced since
I was 12. I have explored pagan/wiccanism, buddhism, judaism,
catholocism and a variety of christian sects, new age, metaphysics,
etc...and have come to the conclusion god is the highest form of
energy, divine love, and we are all part of god.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
see above.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Everyone was there because they loved her. It was very cold.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
nothing was weird for me. all natural.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I did see myself experience all phases of grief, and would say that
I experienced them over and over again.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
wonderful, we had discussed her death at some length before hand
and said goodbye several months before she died, even though we
continued to see each other up until her death.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
a living will and a statement about personal wishes for medical
treatment if unable to give them in person at the time,such as life
support, etc.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
writing about it. letting it just flow through me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
I was too young to understand so I really did not have to "deal"
with it.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
My family not fighting at the time of her death.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
very good, nice to have such a variety of questions.
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Wed Aug 29 07:35:46 2001
F23 in Toledo, OH =USA=
Name: Kendra Edwards
Email: <kendraedwards22=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
Prof/Studies: capability teacher, PT student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 years ago.
Cause of Death: terminal cancer; Aged: 71.
--Details:
I actually saw my grandma die and that was really hard because I
felt how stiff she became afterwards. She was very jaundiced even
before death, but it still bothered me. I had to watch her be taken
out in a body bag.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when your physical body is unable to operate anymore due to old
age or some ailment. The organs fail to function and the body
shuts down. The soul leaves the body and goes to heaven or hell
depending on the life they led or if they accepted Jesus Christ as
their savior.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 17 years old and my grandma died of terminal cancer.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandma developed cancer in her breast
and had her breast removed. We thought the cancer was gone but it
ended up that there were tumors in her brain and it was metastasis.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I am surprised that I shut out my best friend because I was
so entrenched in my grandma's death.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it should not be feared because there is a better place than
here and you will probably be reunited with those you love.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my grandma is now out of pain. She will not have to have
double vision, feel like her throat is closing, or be sad that she
is leaving us.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
writing poetry about my grandma's death and how it affected me and
then sharing that poetry with others.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that she was so important to me and after her death I realized how
much she loved me because of the time of her death. She became
confused fromthe brain cancer and kept thinking that my b-day
was on august 28th, when it really is on august 25th. Well, kept
saying shecouldn't die yet and shedidnt until midnight on the 29th
of august. I believe that she wanted to spend my b-day with me,
even if it was on the wrong day.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
that is the one time in your life when you can make the most impact
on another human being and you will be glad that you did afterwards.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found a positive in her death and used an outlet to heal myself. I
still talk to her sometimes when I have a problem and that really
helps, so I really never lost her.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she just seemed to linger there.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that never happened
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I took the time to be with her for months before she died and helped
her, so I have no regrets.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there with her on my real b-day and when she thought my b-day
was. I fed her a little of a wendy's frosty through a syringe.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandma told me that she wanted me to take anything I wanted of
hers because she knew I loved her.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
It comes around to december 4th (her b-day) and I realize that I have
not gone to her grave and talked to her or wished her a happy b-day.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
grandma would have met Bobb, my boyfriend. She would be bugging us
about great grandkids who she could call "stinkpot" like she did
to us when we were being silly.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she cannot see me get married and have kids. that my favorite
grandparent had to die first.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
give her a big hug and tell her thank you for being her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
fell into a time of deep sadness and felt abandoned.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I am pissed that they didnt find the cancer in her brain and
that they took her breast and made her feel unlike a lady for the
rest of her days. She didnt want to go swimming because she was
embarassed. It was wrong that doctors told her she was just having
migraines and wouldnt listen to her.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
hospice was good and we couldn't have gotten through each day
without them.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a place to go and ak God to take grandma's pain away.
--Religious Affiliation:
christian. went to a methodist and baptist church but find it to
be too structured for my taste.
--Regarding MONEY:
luckily my grandma and grandpa had money so the funeral wasn't a
problem at all.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the song "a mighty fortress is our God", which she loved and I love
to this day. When we sang that song everyone sang with so much heart
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when I was in the computer room writing her a poem telling her it
was okay to go and I saw a shadow figure go down the hallway when
everyone was in grandma's bedroom. I went down the hall andwhn I
walked in she was taking her last breath.I think that it was her
leaving her body.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
there is a smell which my grandma had which was unpleasant and made
me sad because as it got worse I knew she wascloser to death. Also,
expect jaundice because it also is unpleasant to see. If you are
there when someone dies he or she will be very stiff right away.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
When my grandma was in denial about her cancer,so was I.I never
realized it for a while. I first withdrew from friends after
her death. Then I tried to get my feelings out by writing. That
helped. Once I was able to fully accept her death I could talk about
it freely. Yet, even today I get teary-eyed when thinking about her.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Like I said earlier I thought I saw her spirit or soul pass by me
and made me want to go be with her. I think she was letting me know
that she was leaving and that I should get in that room.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
never happened
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
we were cool. She was a great grandma and we had fun together. I
just wish that as a little kid I would have understand how important
coming to grandma's house was.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
You have been such an important part of my life. The little things
you did for me are the best...the homemade cookies and cakes on my
birthday, trying to stuff us with food on thanksgiving, trying to
make me feel better when mom was in the hospital. I am sorry that
you hadso much pain and that you didnt think you did enough. But
you did...for everyone.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
This didn't happen with this grandma but with my gram
(great-grandma). I was taking a nap on the couch. I remember sitting
up and seeing my gram in a rocking chair in her night gown. She only
said "I love you". Then I felt like I came out some sort of trance
or something, but I WAS sitting up, so I don't think it was a dream.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I will definitely have to have a descriptive will b/c unfortunately
there are some greety people in the world who overlook the important
things.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have given thought to that and it is probably because of her
death and the death of a friend in high school who was my own age
and in my major. I would be disappointed if I were going to die soon
because I have so many goals to reach.BUT I also know that God may
need me elsewhere for some purpose and that my death would not be
in vain. I hope that my family would be okay and that my boyfriend
would find another person who could make him happy.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
writing poetry gave me closure because it made me face it, but
it also gave me a way to go back and evaluate me feelings at that
time.Over time I saw a change in my poetry and it made me happy.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
poetry
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
This is well after the fact, but a few months ago Imet a girl at
work and about a week ago her grandma died. I have been able to
connect with her and help her which also helps me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
She would be in no more pain
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
knowing my grandma would never see me get married, have kids, etc....
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I would have reached out to my friend Lela. She was hurt that I
didnt want her to comfort me but I seemed blinded to everything
at the time and didnt even realize what I was doing. Thankfully,
when my grandpa died I did reach out to her. She came to the funeral
with me and that really helped.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought up alot of feelings and helped b/c I was able to "tell"
my grandma what I would like to say to her about what she means to
me. Sometimes I feel guilty like I have forgotten her, but I feel
better when I can talk about her again.
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Wed Aug 29 11:37:22 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 2.5 years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 17.
--Details:
he hanged himself. he was depressed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a part of life if it is a natural death like old age.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was when my older brother Shawn committed suicide at the age of
17. I was only 15.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandmother died of old age.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How i tried to commit suicide because i wanted so badly to be with
him. He was my best friend.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to die
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
he didn't suffer for long.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My entire high school and my teachers and friends. My family also
was my biggest support system and neighbors.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
was having to realize that i would never see my brother alive again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
you aren't supposed mourn over the death but to celebrate the life
of the deceased one.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have emerged to be a very strong person. I get down a lot but i
try and think about all the things people have told me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i thought he was still breathing but it was the machine rising his
chest up and down.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i am glad i could put a smile on my face.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say good bye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have the last words with my brother.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
He committed suicide in the morning and he used an electrical cord
and he cut it. I think he did this so nobody would get electracuted.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
How he did it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see his pictures or when i hear one of his favorite songs.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
too hard of a question
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that i had to lose my brother at such a young age and that he was
so popular, smart, athletic, funny and genuine that he took his
own life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just die in my sleep or get into a bad car accident and die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
turned down the wrong road and ended up in the Psych ward for trying
to kill myself.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
is they were great in all aspects.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
going to church and believing.
--Religious Affiliation:
protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
the same
--Regarding MONEY:
it cost a lot but we had plenty.and the community gave donations.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how people were lined up outside and how my brother was laying
there so still.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
talking to Shawn.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
in my case watch for signs of depression or the want to die.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was the hardest thing i have ever gone through and hopefully
the only.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i feel he is up their with my two grandpas.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i almost died twice. One time I overdosed on medicine having to be
rushed to the emergency room to get my stomach pumped. during that
time i saw my brother's face and he said to me "Sarah, it is not
your time to go. You have to be strong for me and mom and dad and
everyone else. It is just not your time yet."
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The only thing i would ask is WHY?!
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would just tell him how much i loved him and how much the rest
of our family loved and cared for him and also how angry he made
a lot of people.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
just once i looked out my window in my backyard and as i was looking
down towards the woods, I swear my brohter was standing there looking
up at me. It was rather frightening but comforting because i knew
he was still spiritually with me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
don;t understand quetion
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am ready to die any time. I am no longer afraid of death. I am
afraid of how i might die but not afraid to die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Just think of all the good times you had with your loved one.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i have gained many closer friends, all trying to help me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
just to not say they understand. I know they were trying to comfort
me but i got tired of people saying i understand. they did not.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
very touching but got me thinking some bad thoughts.
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Tue Aug 28 06:54:44 2001
F17 in Chapel Hill, NC =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: college transfer student (psychology)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: shooting herself; Aged: 13.
--Details:
When I was in eighth grade my friend shot herself in the school
bathroom, about 5 minutes before it happened i had been told by
another girl that my friend had a gun and i was right outside
the bathroom when the gun went off, in the process of looking for
my friend
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of known existence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
only cried because i didn't get to go to their funeral because i
was sick
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandfather died of natural causes
at the age of 89, i didn't know him very well
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the extreme pain i felt when the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th death
experiences occured, compared to the 1st
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
people don't "just get over" things like death
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i was emotionally damaged beyond repair and therefore did not end
up like everyone else, i took my own path and despite the fact that
it was and often still is torturous, at least i'm not just another
abercrombie wearing face in the crowd
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
one of my friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to communicate what i felt about it
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was angry
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i often laugh rather than let people see me cry
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
go down the other hall, it would have gotten me to the bathroom
before she shot herself
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i probably wouldn't be living at all, her suicide prevented mine
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i was supposed to be the one to go, if i'd followed through, maybe
she wouldn't have
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be with them all again
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
fell down and cried, then wrote a poem about my friend's suicide
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing, i felt that no just and merciful god would allow people
to suffer so much so many times so close together
--Religious Affiliation:
i believe in something, i pray
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the intensity of emotions so strong it nearly suffocated
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
another friend begging me not to kill myself, and me listening
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
depression, heart disease, cars
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
neither the grieving process or the pain will just come to an end
all of a sudden one day, and some of it will last forever, it will
continue to hurt, but it's normal
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
nobody
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
there aren't words to describe the intense feeling you have when
you literally see a ghost
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i want to be cremated after any organs i haven't destroyed have
been donated
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i hope to die with my best friend, after living a better than
now life
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i wrote
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i still write, pain is my muse and i have an abundant supply of it
to use
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i have both made and lost friends because of death
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
my mother at least trying to understand
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
suicide, accidents, overdoses, and natural deaths all come with
very different feeling attached, perhaps separating different kinds
of death, or including a question regardng the emotions associated
with different ends would be good
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Mon Aug 27 23:37:19 2001
F48 in Laurel, Indiana =U. S.A.=
Name: Kathy
Email: <twizzle49=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
By looking under Hospice services
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Prof/Studies: factory
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
n/a
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
n/a
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: an auto accident; Aged: 25.
--Details:
I got a call from my son-in-law about 2 am saying that my daughter
had been killed in a car wreck. I just could not believe it. I
thought if I didn`t believe it then it wouldn`t be true.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something most of us do not understand, people question why did
this happen to the one we love so much? Then we go through years
of trying to figure out the answer, and of course most of us never
do. except to try and understand that it is in Gods plan.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was scared, confused and just plain mad ( even though I had no idea
who I was mad at).
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...two nieces of mine were tragically killed in
an auto accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My daughters death. When It finally hit me that this horrible thing
really did happen, then I had to deal with telling my son 7 at the
time and try to figure out how to keep my daughters memory alive
to my grandson who was only 4 months old at the time, and never
got a chance to even know what a wonderful mother he had and how
much she loved him.
--What I think my (U. S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to cope with the feelings we all experience, like guilt, pain,
and all the unknown aspects of death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Right before my mother in law died, she woke up from her coma long
enough to see all her family at the hospital with her and we all
told her how much we loved her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband, because he was feeling and experiencing the same things
i was. Also our church helped us alot through prayer and just being
there for us.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The feeling of total and complete loss. Having to explain to a 7
yr. old that his sissy wouldn`t be here physically, and now we had
to hold memories of her in our hearts.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Always let them know that you love them, and you will be there for
them, no matter what. I think terminally ill people need alot of
reassurance that they are not a burden on you, and you enjoy your
time with them. And that you enjoy doing things for them, alot of
times this makes them not feel so degraded.
--[My relative's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I could deal with my mother in law laying in a bed not able to tell
me what she needed or wanted or even what I could do to make her
feel better. It was hard to see her that way, but, it also made me
know that if you love some one, somehow you get the strenght to do
alot of things you didn`t know you could do.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The medicine finally didn`t help or had to be increased so much it
knocked her out. Until her death I always just took it for granted
that if you had medicine you were going to eventually get better,
It was really hard for me when I finally realized there was no
medicine to make her well any more.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
This actually did happen to me at one point when my mother in law
was close to dying, I had stayed with her day and night for several
days, then all of a sudden my friend came into the room and said
something and I just started laughing for no reason, myself I think
it was because I was so tired.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell my daughter just how much I loved her and hug her and let her
know that her son is growing up knowing who she is, through pictures,
home movies and just talking to him about her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Spend time with my mother in law at the hospital until she passed
away.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The nurses kept checking her feet and legs for several hours the
night she died. Like they were watching for signs of death, which
I now know they were.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The amount of moraphine that the hospital was giving her a day
or two before she died. We knew she was dying and at least the
moraphine was keeping what time she had left pain free. Some of
the family did not see it that way.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear her favorite song, or sometimes when my grandson does
something like she used to do when she was about his age.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don`t know if I actually think of it as an alternate reality,
but I often in my mind picture us sitting around the house or in the
yard, just talking about everyday events or of her son and brother.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Our daughter, with a 4 month old baby, be taken from us, and all
the drunks and drug addicts are not.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Just forget all the issues connected to death and just have the
memories we had togeather.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
at first totally went to pieces. Then I knew I had to be strong
enough for my family to accept what had happened to our lovely
princess, I tried to concentrate on things that we as a family had
done together , and tried to talk about it, it was hard to talk
about some things.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
n/a
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Friends and family that felt our pain along with us, and prayed
for us and with us, our church helped us a great deal.
--Religious Affiliation:
protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
n/a
--Regarding MONEY:
We had a hard time with the financial side of things. Our church
helped and family helped all they could.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How all family and friends tried to comfort us, they told us how
much they loved our daughter, and some how that just made things
not exactly easier, but, more able to bear.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Seeing my mother in law deteriate from a well person to someone
who was solely dependant on her family and nurses at the hospital.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
As with my mother in law I knoticed that her nails turned a bluish
color and there was a smell about her that I will never forget,
and the day she died she seemed to be getting well. But as the
saying goes you get better before you die, and I believe that.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
After some time passes the pain does ease up and we are able to
focus on some of the funny things that happened and even laugh
about them, I honestly believe that it takes time and one day at
a time to overcome some of the feelings associated with death,
and to be able to look at things in a different light.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My mother in law talked to her deceased relatives, the angels and
friends who had died. When she would tell me about seeing them or
talking to them I would just act like they really had been there
and ask her what they had to say. I never fdid tell her that she
was imagining things or the such, because I don`t know for sure
that she was.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
As I have said I daily talk to my loved ones, and any unresolved
issues at the time of their death has been dealt with and also put
to rest.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope to hear them say they were with our Lord and they did
not have anymore pain and they are happy.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
have never had this kind of experience. I have dreamed of her,
but it was just of things we had done or things we had planned to do.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would hope my family would respect my last wishes which I would
make clearly known, with legal factors. I would want to choose
my own casket and make and pay for all the arrangments before
I die if i am able to, to me this will help ease the pain of my
passing, as they would not even have to go to the funeral home
for arrangements of my burial.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
When I die I hope I can die with some dignity, as my experience
with terminal disease such as cancer, people have their dignity
taken away from them, because sometimes other people taking care of
them make them feel like they are useless, because they can`t care
for themselves and have to depend on others, and to me that is very
hard for people to acept. In my opinion anyone facing death needs
to be treated with respect, love, and honesty. I do not want ot be
lied to about my condition. If I am going to dye soon then I would
want to know.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
For me praying helped me alot. Time alone helped because it gave
me time to think about what was happening, and what I had to do
next. I got mad ,cried, blamed God, and even my self, I had alto
of emotions that time alone let me sort out.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
One thing I do every day (ritual or not, I don`t dnow ) is every
night before I go to sleep I talk to my daughter and mother in law
and tell them I miss and love them, sometimes I just tell them the
events of the day or my plans for later. this seems to help me deal
with my losses somewhat.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Even before my mother in law died, her daughter, my sister in
law were close friends, but after her passing we are closer than
we were. Now I am helping take of my sister in law because she
has the same thing that I helped take care of my mother in law
had.......terminal cancer.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
Sometimes just knowing that your loved one is out of the pain. To
me there is alot of humilitation for people that are dying of cancer
and other diseases.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
I just couldn`t believe she was really gone and I would no longer
be able to talk to her or see her.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Basically my immediate family reached out to one another, this
helped all of us I think.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Actually I enjoyed filling out these questions. It made me stop
and think about some of the things that happened at the death of my
loved ones. I have thought about things that have been put in the
back of my mind for some time. Some of the things I have remembered
or thought about have made me have mixed feelings about some and
I feel better about some of the others.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I feel that you might compose a question regarding the feelings of
the terminally ill person, such as what a person could do to make
their dependency on other people less humilitating or degrading
for them. This is a big issue I had with my mother in law and now
with my sister in law, neither one of them felt like they were
worth any thing because they couldn`t do things for themselves,
and it makes them feel awful, and to me that is a shame.
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Mon Aug 27 22:45:17 2001
M29 in Richmond, Virginia =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
searching hopsice links for professional research
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Prof/Studies: Chaplain
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sogyal Rinpoche
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer, Lymphoma; Aged: 76.
--Details:
She had struggled for 5 years with complications and treatment. Her
body and independence had been destroyed. She died around
Thanksgiving.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
inevitable, ever-present, and forbidden.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was told that we are always building expectations of the future
based on the people and things we love. When those futures are
destroyed, we grieve even if we didn't conscously realize that we
had made all those plans.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I stepped on my pet gerbil. I was devastated
with guilt and sorrow. My mother comforted me and talked to me for
a long time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Her final words for two days were 'No, no, no, no, no, no, no...'
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it can be a beautiful thing, full of bittersweet peace and dignity.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my grandparents discussed their own mortality with me for many years,
beginning when I was a young boy.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
solitude, quiet, and time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the social requirements of the funeral, memorial, etc...
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
There is nothing to 'do', your presence (emotional and physical)
gives them courage.
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
work with dying people everyday, in all sorts of situations and it
still hurts and it is still beautiful.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first became a professional and felt that there was some further
'role' I needed to fill instead of being deeply present.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is not irreverent, only avoidance.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
educate the health-care providers about proper pain management.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be present with my family at the time of her death
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
a patient 'gave me an angel' just before she died by plucking it
out of the air and placing it in my hand.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the community gathering at the funeral home. Many were insensitive.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have to witness death that is easily preventable or obviously
someone's fault (but not intentional). I also still get teary
thinking about the children's deaths I have witnessed.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Grandma would be driving a big-engined t-bird and be going to parties
and gatherings. We'd be all tailgating at a football game. She'd
be there when I graduated and when I got married.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
We have to invite the whole friggin town to this memorial and stay
there for three hours.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Hole up and not talk to anyone for days.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
grieved more for my grandmother's fighting against death than I
grieved her leaving.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
sadness. I now know so much more about pain control and proper
palliative medicine, I would have advocated for grandma.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
not enough. Since then I have worked with hospices and intend to
make a career out of it.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
an intrusive, 'holier-than-thou' element to grandma's friends that
were completely insenstive to the spiritual values that she already
held (non-church).
--Religious Affiliation:
Practising Kagyu Buddhist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
yes
--Regarding MONEY:
not an issue for us at all.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Utter torture. My father and I are very private about our grief and
needed that time to be with our family, not several hundred of the
town's 'society' people who only knew the outer (very social) side of
my grandmother. The staff were adequate but not incredibly sensitive.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The talk my father and I had driving the moving van back home.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I feel like I've seen them all now...there is no such thing as
'normal'...and it's more important to be attentive that prepared.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
again, everyone is different. I like solitude and intimate
disclosure, I find group bereavement to be uncomfortable.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
in hospice we call it 'that Christmas morning look' like a kid who's
just come down the stairs. My favorite was an elder lady who had
been comatose and completely unreactive for days. The family and I
sat vigil for I think three days, then she reached out her hands,
opened her eyes, got a beautific smile and expired.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I will relay my favorite told to me by a classmate. When he was a
young pre-teen, a family friend took him 'barn-storming' in a small
open cockpit prop plane. In a standard stunt, he nosed over for a
dive then cut the engine for a few seconds of dead-fall. The engine
then would not restart. He tried and tried to restart and finally
the plane roared to life. With no time to spare, the pilot pulled
on the stick for dear life. They cleared the rushing ground with no
room to spare. My friend reported watching the rabbits clear out
from under them and returning later to find a small gouge in the
dirt where the tail rudder had scraped ground! He said watching
your life flash before you at that age was dissapointing.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasumgate, Bodhi Svaha
This is a prayer that
means 'gone,gone,gone beyond,gone beyond that is the enlightened
heart/mind'. To me it means that we have to realease everything to
the inevitability of death in order to truly be alive.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Hard to say, this one feels very contrived/contrary to my
experience...
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Tricky question or me. I do believe in honoring people's 'last
wishes' but often find myself counseling (from my own experience)
families to be aware of the intent of those wishes rather than the
form if I feel that carrying out those wishes would cause more harm
than good to the family's grieving process.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
The one fear I retain about death is for my family. I face my own
mortality more deeply all the time in my work and fear most for
how those around me will deal with it more than myself.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
An ancestor shrine in my altar room and grief rituals with a
Dgarra Shaman.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
My grandmother's death and my family's awareness of death in
general has directly led me to my career as an interfaith chaplain
specializing in family grief work.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Not directly, my work and my path have been directly influenced
by the death that I have experienced and therefore all of my
relationships are touched by it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Mom was sensitive to my pain but also normalized my grief responses
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
I felt great personal accountability
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Quiet companionship rather than 'drawing me out'. Even that though
would have been somewhat inappropriate for me and my father who
both derive great strength from solitude.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Comfortable ground. I appreciate your work.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
In general, your questions seemed to be 'feeling' and 'process'
oriented which is typically the more feminine styles of
grief. Questions for more masculine styles of grief might include
'What did you do?' 'Where in your body do you feel grief?' 'Are
there any objects or physical momentos that are meaningful to you,
why?' Often I run into heads of households that feel they need to
'be strong' for others in the family, maybe a question like 'were
there times that you were able to 'fall apart' or 'totally lose it'
with other family members?'
I also think there are ways to explore
the diversity of religious and spiritual reactions more deeply.
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Mon Aug 27 22:10:24 2001
F23 in Toronto, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 12 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: breast cancer; Aged: 43.
--Details:
I had the pleasure of watching my mother slowly fall apart as the
cancer and the treatments wasted her body, all the while she tried
to keep some standard of normalcy.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a pause that feels like forever, a transition of mass and energy
to forms we cannot interact with as much as we are used to .
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt like a black hole was ripping it's way through my head,
leaving chaos and a blind numbness in place for years.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mother died of breast cancer when I was 11.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
watching my father die a little bit each day after my mother's death,
and watching grief turn him into a person I could barely recognize.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not just telling children the person in question has "gone to live
with god and all the angels"-children can see an ending, and should
be told honestly about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
there is nothing, as a result of her death that I am grateful for.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own strength.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that no one in my family is able to talk about it, and
people are frightened that I want to.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them know they are loved.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
grew up way faster than anyone should have to.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my mother still believed in god despite what was happening to her.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it's a coping mechanism.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
give my life for hers.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
not succeed in killing myself.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I watched all the adults try to pretend nothing was wrong.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
everything matters when everything is falling apart.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see daughters with their mothers.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Likely my mother and I would be at eachother's throats b/c we
were/are such strongminded people.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she had to suffer and I had to grow up through adolesence with
no mother and a uncommunicative father who turned into an alcoholic
because he couldn't allow himself to grieve.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
give something up to bring her back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried and cried and cried all alone in my room.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
just stay home and be sick-treatments don't help, and the doctors
don't care.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no one is nice until you are terminal.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
hypocrisy.
--Religious Affiliation:
raised roman catholic(NOT by choice)
Atheist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a group mind-it's not religon it's a basic continuum of mass.
--Regarding MONEY:
my father thought money could placate grief.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how painful it was to be so exposed.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
dealing with people saying they were sorry. Why do people apologize
for things they have no control over?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when they need to wear diapers. When they cannot speak and their
flesh is a rotten shade of yellow.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I grieve for the part of me that died thaat day, as well as for
my mother.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope that she is happy and that there is no pain. I would
hope that she is proud of me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I dream of her sometimes. I'm a child again and I just sit there,
she holds me and I cry and all is well. She is very beautiful.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I want to die so I can find out what comes after.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I got over it. Things happen. Things hurt.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I try not to get too emotionally involved. I don't trust easily. I've
been with my husband 4 years and still I don't fully open up to
him. I feel like I'm 50 in my head but I'm really only 23. I feel
tired of life already.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No. I don't make friends easily or well.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish someone would have taken the time to see how much my father's
inability to grieve with me was hurting me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It showed me how truly bitter I am towards my life.
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Sun Aug 26 18:05:13 2001
F39 in Hopatcong, New Jersey ==
Name: Diane
Email: <pumpkin226=at=msn.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Mom and wife and cafeteria worker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 1/2 ago.
Cause of Death: Lung cancer; Aged: 66.
--Details:
My father died at home with my family.His dying taught me about
living and he made me realize not to be afraid of death.He told me
of his angel(luke}.Also not worry all would be alright.I do believe
him.He is still with me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A extention of living,for the body dies not the Soul.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Felt extreme saddness.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother I was 7 yrs old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The love I felt in my heart.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Compassion........
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Is my father looking at me,and showing me not to fear death.He
told me only time is what keeps us apart.For one day we will see
eachother again.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My beliefs and family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
How much my heart hurt,and missing them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Talk to them, hold them, listen and tell them how much you Love them.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
We all can learn and understand that dying is a part of life and
that I am handleing it
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When my dad had the death rattle for 12 hrs and I wanted him to
cross over .I felt that it was prolonged but I realized it;s when
both are ready.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Take dad out one more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Have a wonderful father and Loving relationship with him.He knew
how much I loved him and I of him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I moved my dad;s leg because he couldn't he smiled at me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
My b-daY IS COMING OR HOLIDAYS.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i WISH i HAD HIM LONGER IN MY LIFE.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice was wonderful and caring.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
LOVE........
--Regarding MONEY:
We did not have much of it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How well everyone enjoyed being with my dad.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
My father told us to let him cross over it was so hard to do .Yet
we did.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My father saw his angel and my loved one swho have croosed over.He
also told me the hour he would coss over.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My father has come to me a few times.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
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Sun Aug 26 14:49:12 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 15 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: father's attempted suicide; Aged: 65.
--Details:
Please see above. It has been of tremendous help in helping me
accept the subsequent death of friends
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of the current physical manifestation.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was quite disinterested.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my aunt died at the age of early 70s. I was
less than 10. Being Cathlolic, there was a 'viewing' of the body
for several days. I was not close to the aunt and it was all a very
disconnected event.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
to pursue and live life is an individual's choice.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
to accept it as 'natural' and a part of the whole.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the awareness of what one gives when one is alive. Death can never
diminish that and death in itself is a stage to acknowledge.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
n/a
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
n/a
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be yourself and rejoice in your companion and their life.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
value life but don't diminish the value of death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
n/a
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
like life, death comprises all aspects of human personality,
including laughter.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
n/a
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be honest.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the will to stay or go by the dying person.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the rituals involved.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
n/a
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
n/a
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
n/a
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
n/a
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
n/a
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
dispassionate interest in the concern to maintain life in the West
when the individual wants to leave
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
n/a
--Religious Affiliation:
Buddhist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a breath of fresh air and far more honest than many other
perceptions of Death.
--Regarding MONEY:
ritual.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the struggle to balance the grieving and the joy of people getting
together.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it is recognition and respect for those around me.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
There have been 3 times when accidents brought me close to
death. The last was in late April in an auto accident. This time,
when I awoke from uncosciousness, I was surprised but not displeased
to be here. This is a change over previous events and one to which I
lay my faith in the Dharma and the joy in learning and spreading it
it gives me. This most recent accident has only served to reinforce
this feeling and motivation.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
n/a
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
n/a
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
n/a
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
see above.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
n/a
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Too early to say
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Crisis does bring people closer in many unusual ways. This is to
be welcomed and cherished.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
My father's multiple suicide attempts have best help me deal with
death, in that it has helped me to recognise the transitory nature
of life and the impermanence of one's attachment to it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
To my knowledge, I have always been quite matter-of-fact about death,
including my own, and on at times it is other people's difficulty
with accepting death that I have found harder to deal with.
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Sun Aug 26 01:15:56 2001
F17 in longview, washington =usa=
Name: rachel
Email: <stardawl9=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
by accident actually
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 4 ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 13.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt like I was in another world, an out of body expeirience for days
--That first time, how it happened was
two of my best friends commited suicide
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
our loved ones are in a better place
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the friends I know are out of thier hell
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my other friends in the circle of friends I ran with, we talked
alot and shared memories, it helped alot to talk
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling lonely
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
after a while i got into counciling, which helped
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Fri Aug 24 09:26:26 2001
F24 in Ithaca, NY =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: editor
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying (or something like that)
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sogyal Rinpoche
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a stomach tumor operation; Aged: 5.
--Details:
My parakeet, Snowy, died after I'd had her for exactly a month short
of 5 years. She was a vital, active bird, but had a stomach tumor
upon which an operation proved fatal.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
That's a great question. I would describe death as the biggest
mystery of life, and one basically unanswerable to most humans (I'm
sure that some are spiritually advanced enough to understand death).
I would say that someone's attitude towards death determines the way
they live, and that many see death as a judgement of their life.
I would say that death ends the ego as we know it, and that it
is either an ending (a closed door) or a passageway into another
self. I would say that an understanding of death would truly
revolutionize life, as people would be less greedy and clingy to
material possessions.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasn't that upset. It (I'm assuming we're talking about people,
not animals) was my great-grandmother, who was 93. I was 11, and
too young to feel genuinely attached, and though I cared about her,
I also felt that death was natural for someone that age.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... our dog, Dogus, died. I was the one who
found her. She'd had an operation to remove her uterus, and was
lying in great pain and in a weakened condition. I woke up a few
mornings after the operation, and had a strong feeling that I'd
find her dead. When I did, I was struck with sadness. I woke up
my sister and parents.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The first thing I did when I heard that Snowy had died was open
my mouth in a silent scream. I then announced her death to my
parents, and hid in my closet while my dad offered condolences,
and my mom annoyed me with fake sorrow (she never liked Snowy, but
feigned tears in a parody of grief). I was going to go to a Grateful
Dead concert with my sister, but defected to stay home and pay due
respects to the bird. My sister's friend Ricky insisted on taking
me out despite my wishes, and we went charging up some dangerous
mountainous path in the dark in his car.
When I retrieved the
body from the vet the next day, I was surprised by how empty it was.
Snowy had gone. I did not even feel sad about burying her body,
for it wasn't hers anymore. I have had multitudinous dreams of
her since her death, and speak to her every day.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I wish that we would bury people as plainly as possible. Plain pine
coffins, as requested in the Jewish faith, are fine, but not those
ridiculous, elaborate affairs that cost a bundle of money. As if
the dead body needs such care!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Snowy snuggled up to me before our final visit to the vet. She was
showing her love, and I'm sure she knew that she would die soon.
I also have a world of memories of her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Seeing Snowy's body, burying it, and feeling an extreme sense
of peace at the spot of burial whenever I returned.
I also
believe that I met a reincarnation of Snowy, a young grasshopper I
encountered while eating at an outside table of a Chinese restaurant.
The grasshopper actually played with me in the same way that Snowy
had, batting antenae around my fingers and hopping up to my head
in the exact same route, and with the same cadences, of Snowy.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that there would be no answering chirp to my own when I
returned to my room every day.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I am not sure. Warmth and a sense of comfort are vitally important;
I think that one should accomodate the most exacting of wishes,
whenever possible.
--[My pet's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
understood how the spirit actually does leave the body-- the dead
body is NOT the individual who died.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was never confused, except about whether to get Snowy the operation
or not. She surely would have died either way.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
um, that didn't happen.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have been with her when she died, and have told her that I loved her
beforehand. I had told her that many times, but was too embarassed
to say it in front of my dad and the vet at our final parting.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
bury Snowy in a good spot for her, under a tree on a hillside.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
??
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the actual death itself, I think.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about saying my final goodbye to the bird, or when I think
of calling the vet to find out. He affirmed that Snowy was alright
when I asked, then said that she had passed on during the operation.
I felt that it was a sensitive way to deal with the issue.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Poor Snowy would be old and grizzled; probably dead anyway. I think
that everything that happened was natural, and can't imagine how
things would be now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that Snowy had to live with me and not in a setting natural for
parakeets. We were so close by the end, and she flew around freely,
but I still feel that she had a rather unnatural life.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt that it was the right time for Snowy to have moved on.
She and I had a wonderful relationship, and had learned much from
each other. I think that we both may have needed to move on to
other things, however. When I look back (perhaps selfishly) on
my life, I feel that her death enabled me to experience things I
would not have had she been alive, such as working at summer camp.
A bird would not have been allowed there. All in all, there was
a sense of harmony about her death, as if all had been right.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude-- the vet was compassionate, and his assistant nobly
spread Snowy's wings out for the x-ray, endangering himself with
exposure to the rays.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not a whole lot.
--Religious Affiliation:
I'm Jewish culturally.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true
--Regarding MONEY:
well, my dad paid the vet costs (I was in my first year of college).
I'm lucky in that regard; I have no idea how much Snowy's treatment
cost.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was alone and it was very natural. I buried her as she was.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
my poor Snowy becoming sleepy all the time. I was very upset to
see this in her; she was always so active.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
The form of Snowy occurs often in my dreams (not so much now as in
years past), and, once in a while, it seems that she herself is there
to visit me. A pigeon in Prague went to the bathroom a suspicious
number of times on me and my table as I sat at an outdoor restaurant,
and I couldn't help but feel Snowy's mischeivous presence at work.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I do not feel that we have unresolved issues.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Aside from dreams, I sometimes feel, or imagine that I feel, the
bird landing on my head, and I imagine scratching her head as I
used to do.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
People should understand the vital importance of making the
atmosphere of the dying as comfortable and pleasant as possible, and
in acceding to most wishes, and in invoking humor to diffuse anxiety.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think about my own death all the time. It scares me, but I
know that there is really nothing to be afraid of. I just don't
want a violent death-- like Keats, I want to feel, and understand,
the process taking place within me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote about her death in a letter to a friend.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No. I called my boyfriend at the time in hysterics at Snowy's death.
He was high from smoking pot, and displayed empathy, yet laughed
while his friend barbarically devoured a chicken.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I felt that, although I was sad, that death was natural and alright.
I did wish for her to come back and visit, but I knew that death
was a natural process.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
I didn't feel that I was hindered in dealing with death.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Talking to my dad was helpful.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was very thorough, and it felt good to get everything out
in writing. I don't know how many people would show interest in
this, however.
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Wed Aug 22 20:05:21 2001
F36 in Oceanside, Ca =usa=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
Just surfing the web for quizzes and polls, etc.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, over 20 ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 45.
--Details:
I was abused mentally and emotionally by her until she realized
she had cancer. The last two years of her life, she began to be a
"real" mother to me, then she died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
final. There is no proof that life as we know it exists after a
person's life force leaves their body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 13
--That first time, how it happened was
The death of my mother. She got sick with breast cancer and it
ended up being bone and marrow cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Complete abadonment by her side of the family as well as her herself.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
unkown
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
nothing
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Pain, anger, loss, fear.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell her goodbye.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
noticed that a part of myself died as well.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Coldness, and children were not allowed.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Not much.
--Religious Affiliation:
Science of the Mind(?)
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Everyone wanted me to take her place and take care of my brother
and my dad
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I had none.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
More therapy
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I asked her if she would do this, she said she would, then she
did not.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I get panick attacks revolving around death.
I would be scared to
my limitations.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
Lots and lots of individual therapy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I kind of was befriended by the neighbors across the street.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Rough
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Wed Aug 22 18:19:46 2001
Anonymous Guest
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: emphasyma; Aged: 67.
--Details:
she smoked cigarettes lots and before she died she was using an
oxygen tank and mask to breathe with.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our physical existance. People do not come back. Their
bodies deteriorate.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was curious about it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great-grandmother died and i went to
her funeral.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that my grand mother was not in pain anymore.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
to cope with it better and try to understand it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
no more suffering for the person if they are sick.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a talk I had with a friend who believes in the indian culture of
spirits and how we will live on as other things or objects.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my familys feelings because I am not as sensitive as my mother
or sister.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Everything will be all right.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
know life is not one without death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the location of the burial was decided.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
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Wed Aug 22 14:42:55 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 15 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 46.
--Details:
he struggled for 5 years to fight the disease, but in the end it
won.Towards the end he went downhill very fast and even though only
16 I knew he would die, but nonetheless it was ashock when it came.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
inevitable, it has many causes and is sometimes a blessing because
suffering can be worse.It causes pain to those who knew the deceased,
and changes their lives. It isnt worth worrying about whilst alive
because ultimately there is nothing we can do to prevent it
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
It was an unusual experience, I wasnt affected by sorrow, but felt
the sorrow and despair of those around me.I learned that it is
harrowing for most and makes you realise just how mortal you are
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother diesd on my13th birthday,
however due to a family feud, I had not seen her for years and
didnt feel upset. what was distressing for me was to see how upset
my mother was, and others.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the feeling that the earth had come to a standstill and that people
should not be going about their business. Sympathy was irritating
as it couldnt possibly come close to addressing the level and
intensity of my emotional chaos
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
bereaved all have very different responses,dont expect people to act
a certain way, eg crying their eyes out or falling apart. death of
a loved one is a much bigger event, it takes time to get used to,
allow people to deal in their own way, dont judge their grieving
process even if they are acting like nothings happened.friends
should be prepared to be there long after the death if needs be,
even if its ten years later.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing at the time. but it has made me more compassionate ,
non-judgemental and perceptive of peoples emotions.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Friends treating me as normal, reading books, doing normal things. I
got irritated when people used to treat me as something to feel
sorry for, or expect me to be overwrought.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to talk to my father because he was my guide, my
mentor and my confidante
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Dont expect to get over it, you only get used to it. dont expect
to be upset like in the movies, the immediate impact is shock,
which will buffer you from all the people and arrangements of the
funeral. Life carries on around you no matter what. When the calm
comes after the storm it is then you will feel the loss more but
also when you learn you can carry on. Its the little things that
will stab at you like finding a glasses case etc, but let the
memories flow because they are healing.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I left for scool without hugging my father which I normally did,
but I was late and I didnt, he called me back but I said I didnt
have time. It is a regret, there is always time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
dreamed about it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
funeral made it se weird not natural even though it was normal
funeral. It made me realise just how dreadful death was.
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Wed Aug 22 14:41:46 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, almost 3wks ago.
Cause of Death: health; Aged: 50.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Rage
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
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Wed Aug 22 09:31:44 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: colon cancer; Aged: 75.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a feeling of unescapability and fear. As you get older day by day
you have more and more fear as to when it will happen to you and
what the result will be.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in disbelief and shock that it could happen to a grandfather
i was so close to on my 12th birthday
--That first time, how it happened was
grandfother died on my birtday getting ready to come to my 12th
birthday
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my closeness to my grandfather and how a thing like death could
happen on my birthday
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it can put an end to extreme suffering and pain such as in the case
of my mother-in law.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
grandfather dying on my birthday
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was really embarrasing and i did not understand how i could do so.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would experience a lot less fear in my life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
know i was going to heaven when i die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
confidence and improving all the time
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
good.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
trying to strengthen my belief in god
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
my grandfather was so close to me
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Wed Aug 22 08:58:00 2001
F45 in Washington, D.C. =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elisabeth Kuebler Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Nephew, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: sudden illness; Aged: 5.
--Details:
I have had co-workers and acquaintances die since this event,
but nothing affected me like my nephew's death.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
manifested by the complete and total departure of the force that
gives our bodies life from our bodies. We do not know what happens
to this force when it leaves. Many religious and spiritual beliefs,
and scientific explanations have arisen that seek to explain this
event, and its implications in our current existence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked at its utter finality.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father was killed in an accident in 1968 -
I was 12.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the complete absence of the person's energy in my life.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to be respectful of and support the process of dying.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the depth of understanding it eventually gave me on the transitory
nature of things.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being able to cry about it in private.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the impact it had on others who were close to them.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
incorporated the experience into my life, and came to terms with the
finality of it. I permitted it to change me and to help me to grow.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
other people reacted in ways that I thought were odd. Like talking
and laughing at the wake.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I looked around the room at my nephews wake and saw the grief on
everyone's face. No one was shut down or zoning out - everyone
was experiencng the loss and in as much pain as I was. That was
very reassuring.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
an anniversary or birthday comes up.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that this happened to my family.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried hard about the loss.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Oppression, no license to explore possibilities, a lot of rules
but no guidance.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
more real than any religious beliefs.
--Regarding MONEY:
there was a loss of wages but a boon from the insurance company.
We suddenly had a great deal of money, but since it was all going
out and none was coming in, I heard constant concerns and worries
about money.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don;t think they had the opportunity for that, although I do
believe it is a part of a natural process.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I am re-entering therapy to explore some of the issues I htink I
still have aboout my father. Since our relationship was cut short,
I did not get a chance to resolve some things.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
when I worked with HIV/AIDS patients, frequently when they died
I met them in a dream, in a corridor with doors. I would be
standing in the corridor and they would come out one door, and
impart instructions or just chat, and then leave through another
door. It was not only my patients and people I know now - it was
also people I had known years ago who I think must have died and
I ran into them in this corridor. I stopped having this dream when
I changed the work I was doing.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The truth is that doctors have the power to completely ignore
the rights and wishes of the dying, and will do so at their own
initiative or with prompting from family. It does not matter what
wishes you express, what you out into writing or what you think
you have agreements about. You have to have at least one advocate,
someone who will confront doctors who ignore your wishes, and
challenge family members who may want to circumvent your will. Even
then, it can be difficult to get your wishes respected.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am very aware of it, think about it daily, and try to live my
life in such a way that I am prepared for it at any time.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
I became very depressed, and had difficulty with the event and its
consequences for most of my life.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
Catholic religion we were raised in had a lot of rules, but not
many answers.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Letting me speculate with them about what happens when we die would
have been helpful. The Catholic priests were really arrogant.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
reminded me that I had resolved to live with the imminence of death.
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Tue Aug 21 23:04:41 2001
F17 in brooklyn, new york =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: i just finished 2 years college
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: CANCER; Aged: 50.
--Details:
MY MOTHER WAS AT HOME AND I HEARD HER FALL DOWN. I RAN AND TRIED
TO PICK HER UP AND PUT HER ON THE BED. I COULDN'T AND I CALLED MY
FATHER AND SISTER TO HELP. I CALLED THE AMBULANCE BUT THEY WERE
NOT ABLE TO REVIVE HER. I WAS IN HER ROOM WHEN SHE PASSED AWAY
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
THE LACK OF LIFE IN A LIVING CREATURE. MEANING: A PERSON LIFE DEPENDS
ON HIS HEART AND MIND. IF THEY STOP WORKING, THE PERSON IS DEAD
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
WAS 15 YEARS OLD. IT WAS THE LAST DAYS OF 10TH GRADE
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD, MY MOM PASSED
AWAY. SHE HAD CANCER
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I WAS IN SHOCK AND ALL MY FRIENDS STARTED ACTING WEIRD. THEY DIDNT
KNOW HOW TO REACT. THE WHOLE COMMUNITY WAS TALKING ABOUT MY MOTHERS
DEATH. THEY HELPED US OUT A LOT
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I learned from my culture that everything that G-d does is for the
good. Although many times we cannot see it with our naked eyes,
we know that G-d has a masterplan for everything. If we were able
to understand everything G-d does, then we ourselves can be G-d. I
know that the death of my mother was for the ultimate good. Although
it is hard to see this, i strongly believe it is true.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
was support over the internet. I need the support but i do not like
making people feel uncomfortable. when i speak to people i know,
they don't know how to react. I like speaking over the net because
you will never meet these people again and you can find more people
dealing with the same type of problem
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that i am not able to have the advice i need from my mother. i am
not able to have someone love and care for me the way my mother did
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't ignore people because you have nothing to say or don't know
what to say. let them know that u r there and u care about them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
about 3 months after the death. I started 11th grade. I had to act
as if i was my old normal self. as if nothing happened. Everyone
loved me but they did not realize that inside it was hurting so much.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i did not laugh at all. i cried for days
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my mother how much i love her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with my mother the last few moments and days of her life
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
all my neighbors sent over suppers and offered all their help.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i lie in bed and think of my mother. what a great woman she was
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it would be very different. right now since i am the oldest sibling
at home, i have to take care of my younger siblings and my father. i
come home from school and make supper eveyday. i run the house. i
play a two person role.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that i dont have a mother yet all my friends do
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be with my mother again
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
a greta medical community. they tried everything they can do to
save the life of my mother
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
synagogue. it helped me a lot to know that i have a bible to follow
and i have goals. i know that everything in the bible is true and
right. i follow whatever it says in there. it is good to know u
have a set way to lead ur life
--Religious Affiliation:
i am a religious jew
--Regarding MONEY:
thank God my family has enough money to cover all the costs.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how the hall where the funeral took place was packed. everyone
was squashed. there were people outside because they couldn't fit
in. everyone was quiet and was praying.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
getting phone calls for my mother. some of my distant relatives who
have not heard phoned and asked to speak to my mother. it was very
weird and i did not know how to tell them
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
letting the person know that u r there for them is a great help
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Support Group
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it helped me think on a deeper level. it made some of my thoughts
more clear
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Mon Aug 20 19:41:42 2001
F17 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 1/2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 60-some.
--Details:
i found out when i came back from vacation. it occurred while i
was on vacation but my family felt it best not to tell me until i
got home.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a disappearing physically of a person but not in memories
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was a girl i went to school w/ but was not very
close friends w/ was killed when a man ran a red light.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
missing my grandfather at christmas
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to hide it from younger people
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
dealing w/ the memories and seeing my grandfather's brother who
looked very similar to him
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see my grandfather's brother
--Religious Affiliation:
lutheran
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
i was kept away from going to viewings and funerals
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Mon Aug 20 15:40:54 2001
F43 in Fort Erie, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Sue
Email: <p_fawcet=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: customer service rep.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Parents, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 73.
--Details:
In August of 98, my mother was diagnosed with lung and liver
cancer. On September 12th of 98, my father died in his sleep,
from natural causes, according to the doctor and 20 days later,
my mother passed away. After my father died, my Mom just seemed
to give up and went downhill very quickly.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our physical journey and the start of our spiritual one.
We can no longer be seen or touched, but we live on, only on a
different level. We also live on through our children with the
teaching we have instilled in them.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried until my father came to calm me down. I remember him asking
me if I knew that my uncle was going to die. I lied to him and
told him no. I did know that he was sick and was going to die,
I just didn't want it to happen. I was only ten at the time.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my very favorite uncle died of cancer when
I was en years old
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the rest of the family seemed more at peace. They knew that he
was no longer in pain.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is a beginning of a new adventure, and as long as we live,
those that have passed on will live in us.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My Mom went quickly and did not have to suffer long. Also that
my father and older brother, who passed away a year earlier from
a massive heart attack, were there with her when she crossed over.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
that I felt my mother's pressence around me shortly after she passed
away. I still feel her around me sometimes when I least expect it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the people and their well wishes. It was a very difficult time
for me trying to be polite.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just being there is important to them. Even when they are in a coma,
they know that you are there.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was there for her till the end. I also held it together to make
it through the hard times when the funneral is over and hopefully
I carried out all of her wishes.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had to try and keep it together and be there for the rest of
the family.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that it was a release of a lot of stress. My brother always told
me that you have to find the humor in bad situations. It helps
keep you sane.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
told my Mom not to worry about me. I also wish that I could've
had the chance to tell my Dad how much I love him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
rely on my friends for support.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my Dad held hands with my other two brothers at my oldest brother's
funeral. I knew then that we would make it through this difficult
time.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
people making it a point to come up to me to offer their condolences.
I don't even remember half the people who were thereand ended up
constantly repeating thank you for being so nice. I didn't even
realize that I was doing it until it was pointed out to me by a
guy I was dating at the time.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
something reminds me of them.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think things would've been different if they were still here.
I think life would've been just the same as it was before they died.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I lost both my parents so quickly. I never really got to
greave for my father when my Mom died.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be with them.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I still find it a little hard to eccept that my Mom is gone.
every once in ahile it hits me, like when I want to call and talk
to her. I think it hits me everyday.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
repect. My family doctor was wonderful and carin, as were the
nurses in the hospital and my pharmisist.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
We had a caregiver come in to help my Mom and a nurse as well.
The caregiver was wonderful, but I found the nurse very cold and
did not like her. If my Mother had lived longer, I would've had
them send a different nurse.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i don't go to church, but I do beleive in God. I thanked him
for taking my mom so quickly and for not having her suffer for a
long time.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I beleive in reincarnation. I know that eventually I will be with
my family again, if not in the spirit world, then in another life
here on this planet.
--Regarding MONEY:
there wasn't any, well very little anyways. there was enough to
give my bothers some and to pay off the bills.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I don't really remeber much about the funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
picking out the urn.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the physical appearance. My Mom started to lose weight and developed
a cough.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
first it was shock, then denial, then depression and last acceptance,
which I'm still working on.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
When my grandmother died, just before the end, she saw her parents
and her brother. When my Mom died, I felt my brother there in her
last moments.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel that any unresolved issues that I had with them, died with
them. I don't beleive that they carried anything negative to the
other side.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just want to tell them that I love them, my mom, dad,
and brother, and that they are always with me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
The night that my Mom died, I felt her here. She even came to bed
with me me and held me until I fell asleep. My brother from out
east had come home and flew into a rage at me and nearly put me
over the edge. My Mom was there to help calm me down. When my
brother died and i was at his apartment cleaning it out, he came
to me to tell me that everything would be alright and that he would
be there for me to help me through it. He also told me tha he woud
be there when my parents died and he was.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
As well as having an executor, make sure you have a power of
attorney. If there are some wishes that you just can't fulfill,
don't live the rest of your life in guilt, but try to keep their
wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would make sure that everyone that I am close to knows how I feel
about them and tell them that they must go on and that I would be
with them always even if they can't see me. I'm not afraid to die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I talk to them
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
I never thought he was rally going to die
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I would be a shoulder to lean on and I would just listen to them
and let them get it out of their system
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me put a lot of my thoughts into words.
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Sun Aug 19 00:07:01 2001
F30 in Upstate, NY =US=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Search on Death and Dying
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Prof/Studies: recovery of tissue for transplantation
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 54.
--Details:
I'm only 30 years old. I have known her for 5-6 years. I cannot
describe our closeness, it just was. I knew when I met her I would
be with her when she died. I also was her caregiver at the time
when she needed me. It is hard to describe, the whole thing has
changed me. People would never understand
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The actual witnessing the moment of death was the most incredible
experience I have ever encountered. I have also witnessed birth.
For me, I had this incredible amount of strength. I am not one
to pray around people but it felt natural to pray out loud to her.
She could not speak or move for about 3 days up to her death. She
could hear because she would raise her eyebrows in acknowledgement
of your voice. The process of her death was peaceful compared to
the previous months. I feel extremely blessed to have shared her
last moments with her. I was the only one there. I had told her,
I was strong enough to handle it and any time she was ready I would
be there. That is another reason why I knew she could hear. I was
not scared and I would have not traded it for anything. It took me
a couple days to figure out what it was that made me know it was her
last breath. It was her eyes, they were wide open. When she took
her last breath I could see the life leave her eyes. One second
there was life, the next it was gone. I will never forget that.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was stronger than I have ever been before.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my mother's best friend, she was
older than my mother. She was like family to us. She adored my
sister and I because she only had boys. They were also grown.
We were like her grandchildren
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how grateful I am to have shared that last moment with her.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not something to be scared about
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I am no longer afraid of death or suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself and my spirituality
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I miss her so much
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Never take them for granted, and remember someday you are going
to die.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was there for her. She trusted me with her life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
After it was over
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i laughed alot and she would have too
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Ask her a couple of questions that I always wanted answers to.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be her caregiver and be there
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
she would try to respond, and how much energy that must have taken
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
everything was significant to me especially
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i am still crying it has only been a month
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it would be the same, we would be laughing and having great
conversation
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i am happy she is at peace
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
i try to not let it get so difficult
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
grateful for hospice
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very pleasant
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not much into orgainzed religion, but my own belief in God was a
tremedous part of all of this
--Religious Affiliation:
past Roman Catholic/ currently waiting for a religious affiliation
I like
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we are all just human
--Regarding MONEY:
money has nothing to do with birth or death
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the pastor talked to much
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
her not being able to talk
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I cannot describe it, I just knew. I am not talking about all the
medical signs. I am just saying I knew.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I am still grieving and I have conversations with her everday.
I feel it is good for me to talk to her. I have a little shrine
set up and I talk to her. I imagine what she would say to me,
she was also my mentor. I can hear her words and answers to me.
So even though she is not here, I still feel she is with me, always.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have has several spiritual experiences happen. One happened
before she passed and was very significant. I believe it was God
and I believe that is where my strength came from. I was awoken
in the middle of the night and in the room was a being, I cannot
describe it. I was paralyzed in the bed, and tears came out of
my eyes but I was not crying. They came out of the corners of my
eyes. First one eye than the other, one tear at a time. My first
reaction was she had passed, I ran into her room but she was fine.
Moments before she died, I believe she saw what I saw that night.
Out of the corner of her eye came one single tear. I believe
that I was given a gift. The gift that she was going to be fine.
Several other things have happened since her death.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Same as above
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
We really did not have issues
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I told her everything and I still talk to her
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have messages of clarity, prediction, and assurance. I thing
the whole thing is incredible. It has really restored my faith.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Living life more fully
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not afraid to die anymore because of the whole experience
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
My shrine and talking to her
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Still only a month
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Her daughter and I have become extemely close. She is my age.
We took care of her and we are forever friends now.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
I was 9 and really don't remember how I felt
Don't remember
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish someone could really understand but there is no way to
describe what changes I have been through. I wish I could give to
others what I was given during this time. I feel so blessed.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Thank you
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Thu Aug 16 10:25:05 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo.com - Entertainment
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
What if God were the Sun
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
John Edwards
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Brain Tumor; Aged: 15.
--Details:
It was very quick after they found out he had a tumor
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our physical exsistance. We no longer need a body and
are born into a spiritual world.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
totally deneyed the fact that it had even happened, and when I
realized it had, I didn't take it very well.
--That first time, how it happened was
Grandfather died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I completely deneyed the fact that it happened for 4 years. I didn't
believe it was true.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It doesn't matter what went on in the physical world between you
and another person, when they cross over everything is forgiven
and they will always be there for you.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I know that everyone I have lost is still with me and watching
over me. And I am no longer afraid of death, It's a natural process.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Spending time alone, remembering the good times, forgetting the bad.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being able to say goodbye or I'm sorry, but I now realize that
I still can.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
When someone is dying it's hard to be around them, you don't
want to see them like that, but that is when they need you most.
You should make sure you tell them all that you feel and need to
while you can, don't wait until it's too late.
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Realized that whatever happened when he was still here happened in
the past, it's forgiven and forgotten now.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I finally realized that I would never see him again.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Go to his funeral and visit him in the hospital.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know him before he was gone.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Began to think about what it's like on the other side.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
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Wed Aug 15 01:15:50 2001
F18 in Ann Arbor, MI =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo entertainment clicking
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Prof/Studies: Fammily Life Ministry student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 63?.
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--Death Is:
when our bodies cease total function and our souls leave
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was really little and had a cold - everytime I smell a cherry Halls
I am reminded of my Grandpa's military funeral
--That first time, how it happened was
my Grandpa died of cancer when I was five years old
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Halls
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I will remember my grandpa as an awesome guy and never have
bad memories of what I have now learned he was like
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
I don't really know
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Mon Aug 13 23:04:58 2001
F20 in kingston, r.i. =usa=
Name: amy
Email: <asooz822=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: college student
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More personal info:
i would like to be posted in the hopes of getting help from others
who have delt or is dealing this a death of a friend.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: passenger in drunk driving accident; Aged: 19.
--Details:
it was our spring weekat college, and everyone was having a
great time before finals. i had gone home with Ravens roomate
for the night. Alicia got woken up by a phone call from the
college informing her of the accident. When i found Alicia crying
hysterically i couldnt believ what happened. i did not cry unitl
i was in the shower before leaving to go back to school. The kid
who was driving was drunk and high and Raven was in the passenger
seat. she was the only one wearing a seatbelt yet the only one who
died. she died on impact....
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--Death Is:
a horrible thing to deal with, even though u know deep down that
it happens and its Gods plan and we have no control over it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
it was only 3 months ago and this is the first time.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my friend got killed in a drunk driving
accident. her friend was driving drunk and high. we were friends
for only 3 months, but un those 3 months she touched my life in so
many ways.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how so many people came together, people who had never even met
before, to help witht he healing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
she was a
