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See Current contributions.
See Jul 01 contributions.
See Jun 01 contributions.
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Fri Aug 31 09:10:41 2001
F25 in St. Paul, Minnesota =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: administrative assistant
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 10 months ago.
Cause of Death: stroke/complications from fractured rib/emphysema; Aged: 69.
--Details:
She had a small stroke in the bathroom and fell, cracking her rib on
the edge of the bathtub. She had had emphysema for about 17 years.
She died 4 days later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a passage of the soul from the physical reality to an energetic
reality, where the soul can then choose to return to the physical
reality or stay in the energetic realms as a guide or teacher.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried with my own fear of dying and my own desire to go "home".
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My great grandmother died after her third
stroke and a stint in the nursing home, I was 4 or 5, my mother told
me when I was drying the table with the flowered dishtowel. I did
not really understand but I really wanted to attend the funeral,
which I was told I could not do.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I wanted more time to get to know my granny, and wanted to know
more about her life, and our family (she was a geneaologist) and
for her to get to know me and my girlfriend better.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Acceptance and not to tie so many religious icons to it but to learn
to celebrate the passage of the soul. Also to release the social
stigmas attached to death, ie: we should be allowed to grieve for
as long as needed without anyone telling us we need to move on,
if we are in "mourning" because it is expected and not genuine we
need to feel free to break the stigma associated with not heavily
mourning a death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I have become more comfortable with the thought of all the little
deaths in my life and environment, as well as my own impending death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my spiritual philosophy
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the inability to articulate the absolute loss of such a precious
individual in my life. All I could do was cry.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
No matter how scary it is to be there while someone is dying (and
it is really frightening) I was grateful to hold thier hand, and
offer energetic and physical healing, and tell them I Love them. (I
was there for both my grandparent's deaths)
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my family expected me to explain in words the inexplicable experience
of being near my grandparents as they died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was a relief from the seriousness of the moment, a way to remain
in the present even in my grief.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
go to her side right after the death to see the physical proof
that she was gone. I was there while she was dying, and a half
hour after I had driven back home I got the call that she had died.
I did not go back to see her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Spend that night that she died with friends, who were supportive.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I saw the light leave my grandfather's body for the hour after
he died.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
food.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
She is not around to converse with.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would spend more time with her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
really begun to understand how transient and yet how precious the
little things in everyday life are, and even now tenfold I appreciate
people every moment I spend with them.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They were very competent and compassionate.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
The same as above
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. We arranged the service ourselves.
--Religious Affiliation:
Mine, I was raised Presbyterian but have not practiced since
I was 12. I have explored pagan/wiccanism, buddhism, judaism,
catholocism and a variety of christian sects, new age, metaphysics,
etc...and have come to the conclusion god is the highest form of
energy, divine love, and we are all part of god.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
see above.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Everyone was there because they loved her. It was very cold.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
nothing was weird for me. all natural.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I did see myself experience all phases of grief, and would say that
I experienced them over and over again.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
wonderful, we had discussed her death at some length before hand
and said goodbye several months before she died, even though we
continued to see each other up until her death.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
a living will and a statement about personal wishes for medical
treatment if unable to give them in person at the time,such as life
support, etc.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
writing about it. letting it just flow through me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
I was too young to understand so I really did not have to "deal"
with it.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
My family not fighting at the time of her death.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
very good, nice to have such a variety of questions.
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Wed Aug 29 07:35:46 2001
F23 in Toledo, OH =USA=
Name: Kendra Edwards
Email: <kendraedwards22=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
Prof/Studies: capability teacher, PT student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 years ago.
Cause of Death: terminal cancer; Aged: 71.
--Details:
I actually saw my grandma die and that was really hard because I
felt how stiff she became afterwards. She was very jaundiced even
before death, but it still bothered me. I had to watch her be taken
out in a body bag.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when your physical body is unable to operate anymore due to old
age or some ailment. The organs fail to function and the body
shuts down. The soul leaves the body and goes to heaven or hell
depending on the life they led or if they accepted Jesus Christ as
their savior.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 17 years old and my grandma died of terminal cancer.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandma developed cancer in her breast
and had her breast removed. We thought the cancer was gone but it
ended up that there were tumors in her brain and it was metastasis.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I am surprised that I shut out my best friend because I was
so entrenched in my grandma's death.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it should not be feared because there is a better place than
here and you will probably be reunited with those you love.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my grandma is now out of pain. She will not have to have
double vision, feel like her throat is closing, or be sad that she
is leaving us.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
writing poetry about my grandma's death and how it affected me and
then sharing that poetry with others.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that she was so important to me and after her death I realized how
much she loved me because of the time of her death. She became
confused fromthe brain cancer and kept thinking that my b-day
was on august 28th, when it really is on august 25th. Well, kept
saying shecouldn't die yet and shedidnt until midnight on the 29th
of august. I believe that she wanted to spend my b-day with me,
even if it was on the wrong day.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
that is the one time in your life when you can make the most impact
on another human being and you will be glad that you did afterwards.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found a positive in her death and used an outlet to heal myself. I
still talk to her sometimes when I have a problem and that really
helps, so I really never lost her.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she just seemed to linger there.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that never happened
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I took the time to be with her for months before she died and helped
her, so I have no regrets.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there with her on my real b-day and when she thought my b-day
was. I fed her a little of a wendy's frosty through a syringe.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandma told me that she wanted me to take anything I wanted of
hers because she knew I loved her.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
It comes around to december 4th (her b-day) and I realize that I have
not gone to her grave and talked to her or wished her a happy b-day.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
grandma would have met Bobb, my boyfriend. She would be bugging us
about great grandkids who she could call "stinkpot" like she did
to us when we were being silly.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she cannot see me get married and have kids. that my favorite
grandparent had to die first.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
give her a big hug and tell her thank you for being her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
fell into a time of deep sadness and felt abandoned.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I am pissed that they didnt find the cancer in her brain and
that they took her breast and made her feel unlike a lady for the
rest of her days. She didnt want to go swimming because she was
embarassed. It was wrong that doctors told her she was just having
migraines and wouldnt listen to her.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
hospice was good and we couldn't have gotten through each day
without them.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a place to go and ak God to take grandma's pain away.
--Religious Affiliation:
christian. went to a methodist and baptist church but find it to
be too structured for my taste.
--Regarding MONEY:
luckily my grandma and grandpa had money so the funeral wasn't a
problem at all.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the song "a mighty fortress is our God", which she loved and I love
to this day. When we sang that song everyone sang with so much heart
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when I was in the computer room writing her a poem telling her it
was okay to go and I saw a shadow figure go down the hallway when
everyone was in grandma's bedroom. I went down the hall andwhn I
walked in she was taking her last breath.I think that it was her
leaving her body.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
there is a smell which my grandma had which was unpleasant and made
me sad because as it got worse I knew she wascloser to death. Also,
expect jaundice because it also is unpleasant to see. If you are
there when someone dies he or she will be very stiff right away.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
When my grandma was in denial about her cancer,so was I.I never
realized it for a while. I first withdrew from friends after
her death. Then I tried to get my feelings out by writing. That
helped. Once I was able to fully accept her death I could talk about
it freely. Yet, even today I get teary-eyed when thinking about her.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Like I said earlier I thought I saw her spirit or soul pass by me
and made me want to go be with her. I think she was letting me know
that she was leaving and that I should get in that room.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
never happened
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
we were cool. She was a great grandma and we had fun together. I
just wish that as a little kid I would have understand how important
coming to grandma's house was.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
You have been such an important part of my life. The little things
you did for me are the best...the homemade cookies and cakes on my
birthday, trying to stuff us with food on thanksgiving, trying to
make me feel better when mom was in the hospital. I am sorry that
you hadso much pain and that you didnt think you did enough. But
you did...for everyone.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
This didn't happen with this grandma but with my gram
(great-grandma). I was taking a nap on the couch. I remember sitting
up and seeing my gram in a rocking chair in her night gown. She only
said "I love you". Then I felt like I came out some sort of trance
or something, but I WAS sitting up, so I don't think it was a dream.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I will definitely have to have a descriptive will b/c unfortunately
there are some greety people in the world who overlook the important
things.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have given thought to that and it is probably because of her
death and the death of a friend in high school who was my own age
and in my major. I would be disappointed if I were going to die soon
because I have so many goals to reach.BUT I also know that God may
need me elsewhere for some purpose and that my death would not be
in vain. I hope that my family would be okay and that my boyfriend
would find another person who could make him happy.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
writing poetry gave me closure because it made me face it, but
it also gave me a way to go back and evaluate me feelings at that
time.Over time I saw a change in my poetry and it made me happy.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
poetry
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
This is well after the fact, but a few months ago Imet a girl at
work and about a week ago her grandma died. I have been able to
connect with her and help her which also helps me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
She would be in no more pain
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
knowing my grandma would never see me get married, have kids, etc....
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I would have reached out to my friend Lela. She was hurt that I
didnt want her to comfort me but I seemed blinded to everything
at the time and didnt even realize what I was doing. Thankfully,
when my grandpa died I did reach out to her. She came to the funeral
with me and that really helped.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It brought up alot of feelings and helped b/c I was able to "tell"
my grandma what I would like to say to her about what she means to
me. Sometimes I feel guilty like I have forgotten her, but I feel
better when I can talk about her again.
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Wed Aug 29 11:37:22 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 2.5 years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 17.
--Details:
he hanged himself. he was depressed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a part of life if it is a natural death like old age.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was when my older brother Shawn committed suicide at the age of
17. I was only 15.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandmother died of old age.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How i tried to commit suicide because i wanted so badly to be with
him. He was my best friend.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to die
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
he didn't suffer for long.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My entire high school and my teachers and friends. My family also
was my biggest support system and neighbors.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
was having to realize that i would never see my brother alive again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
you aren't supposed mourn over the death but to celebrate the life
of the deceased one.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have emerged to be a very strong person. I get down a lot but i
try and think about all the things people have told me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i thought he was still breathing but it was the machine rising his
chest up and down.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i am glad i could put a smile on my face.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say good bye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have the last words with my brother.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
He committed suicide in the morning and he used an electrical cord
and he cut it. I think he did this so nobody would get electracuted.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
How he did it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see his pictures or when i hear one of his favorite songs.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
too hard of a question
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that i had to lose my brother at such a young age and that he was
so popular, smart, athletic, funny and genuine that he took his
own life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just die in my sleep or get into a bad car accident and die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
turned down the wrong road and ended up in the Psych ward for trying
to kill myself.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
is they were great in all aspects.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
going to church and believing.
--Religious Affiliation:
protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
the same
--Regarding MONEY:
it cost a lot but we had plenty.and the community gave donations.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how people were lined up outside and how my brother was laying
there so still.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
talking to Shawn.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
in my case watch for signs of depression or the want to die.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was the hardest thing i have ever gone through and hopefully
the only.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i feel he is up their with my two grandpas.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i almost died twice. One time I overdosed on medicine having to be
rushed to the emergency room to get my stomach pumped. during that
time i saw my brother's face and he said to me "Sarah, it is not
your time to go. You have to be strong for me and mom and dad and
everyone else. It is just not your time yet."
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The only thing i would ask is WHY?!
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would just tell him how much i loved him and how much the rest
of our family loved and cared for him and also how angry he made
a lot of people.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
just once i looked out my window in my backyard and as i was looking
down towards the woods, I swear my brohter was standing there looking
up at me. It was rather frightening but comforting because i knew
he was still spiritually with me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
don;t understand quetion
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am ready to die any time. I am no longer afraid of death. I am
afraid of how i might die but not afraid to die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Just think of all the good times you had with your loved one.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i have gained many closer friends, all trying to help me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
just to not say they understand. I know they were trying to comfort
me but i got tired of people saying i understand. they did not.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
very touching but got me thinking some bad thoughts.
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Tue Aug 28 06:54:44 2001
F17 in Chapel Hill, NC =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: college transfer student (psychology)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: shooting herself; Aged: 13.
--Details:
When I was in eighth grade my friend shot herself in the school
bathroom, about 5 minutes before it happened i had been told by
another girl that my friend had a gun and i was right outside
the bathroom when the gun went off, in the process of looking for
my friend
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of known existence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
only cried because i didn't get to go to their funeral because i
was sick
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandfather died of natural causes
at the age of 89, i didn't know him very well
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the extreme pain i felt when the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th death
experiences occured, compared to the 1st
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
people don't "just get over" things like death
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i was emotionally damaged beyond repair and therefore did not end
up like everyone else, i took my own path and despite the fact that
it was and often still is torturous, at least i'm not just another
abercrombie wearing face in the crowd
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
one of my friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to communicate what i felt about it
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was angry
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i often laugh rather than let people see me cry
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
go down the other hall, it would have gotten me to the bathroom
before she shot herself
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i probably wouldn't be living at all, her suicide prevented mine
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i was supposed to be the one to go, if i'd followed through, maybe
she wouldn't have
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be with them all again
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
fell down and cried, then wrote a poem about my friend's suicide
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing, i felt that no just and merciful god would allow people
to suffer so much so many times so close together
--Religious Affiliation:
i believe in something, i pray
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the intensity of emotions so strong it nearly suffocated
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
another friend begging me not to kill myself, and me listening
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
depression, heart disease, cars
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
neither the grieving process or the pain will just come to an end
all of a sudden one day, and some of it will last forever, it will
continue to hurt, but it's normal
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
nobody
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
there aren't words to describe the intense feeling you have when
you literally see a ghost
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i want to be cremated after any organs i haven't destroyed have
been donated
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i hope to die with my best friend, after living a better than
now life
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i wrote
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i still write, pain is my muse and i have an abundant supply of it
to use
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i have both made and lost friends because of death
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
my mother at least trying to understand
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
suicide, accidents, overdoses, and natural deaths all come with
very different feeling attached, perhaps separating different kinds
of death, or including a question regardng the emotions associated
with different ends would be good
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Mon Aug 27 23:37:19 2001
F48 in Laurel, Indiana =U. S.A.=
Name: Kathy
Email: <twizzle49=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
By looking under Hospice services
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Prof/Studies: factory
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
n/a
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
n/a
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: an auto accident; Aged: 25.
--Details:
I got a call from my son-in-law about 2 am saying that my daughter
had been killed in a car wreck. I just could not believe it. I
thought if I didn`t believe it then it wouldn`t be true.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something most of us do not understand, people question why did
this happen to the one we love so much? Then we go through years
of trying to figure out the answer, and of course most of us never
do. except to try and understand that it is in Gods plan.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was scared, confused and just plain mad ( even though I had no idea
who I was mad at).
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...two nieces of mine were tragically killed in
an auto accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My daughters death. When It finally hit me that this horrible thing
really did happen, then I had to deal with telling my son 7 at the
time and try to figure out how to keep my daughters memory alive
to my grandson who was only 4 months old at the time, and never
got a chance to even know what a wonderful mother he had and how
much she loved him.
--What I think my (U. S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to cope with the feelings we all experience, like guilt, pain,
and all the unknown aspects of death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Right before my mother in law died, she woke up from her coma long
enough to see all her family at the hospital with her and we all
told her how much we loved her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband, because he was feeling and experiencing the same things
i was. Also our church helped us alot through prayer and just being
there for us.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The feeling of total and complete loss. Having to explain to a 7
yr. old that his sissy wouldn`t be here physically, and now we had
to hold memories of her in our hearts.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Always let them know that you love them, and you will be there for
them, no matter what. I think terminally ill people need alot of
reassurance that they are not a burden on you, and you enjoy your
time with them. And that you enjoy doing things for them, alot of
times this makes them not feel so degraded.
--[My relative's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I could deal with my mother in law laying in a bed not able to tell
me what she needed or wanted or even what I could do to make her
feel better. It was hard to see her that way, but, it also made me
know that if you love some one, somehow you get the strenght to do
alot of things you didn`t know you could do.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The medicine finally didn`t help or had to be increased so much it
knocked her out. Until her death I always just took it for granted
that if you had medicine you were going to eventually get better,
It was really hard for me when I finally realized there was no
medicine to make her well any more.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
This actually did happen to me at one point when my mother in law
was close to dying, I had stayed with her day and night for several
days, then all of a sudden my friend came into the room and said
something and I just started laughing for no reason, myself I think
it was because I was so tired.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell my daughter just how much I loved her and hug her and let her
know that her son is growing up knowing who she is, through pictures,
home movies and just talking to him about her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Spend time with my mother in law at the hospital until she passed
away.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The nurses kept checking her feet and legs for several hours the
night she died. Like they were watching for signs of death, which
I now know they were.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The amount of moraphine that the hospital was giving her a day
or two before she died. We knew she was dying and at least the
moraphine was keeping what time she had left pain free. Some of
the family did not see it that way.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear her favorite song, or sometimes when my grandson does
something like she used to do when she was about his age.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don`t know if I actually think of it as an alternate reality,
but I often in my mind picture us sitting around the house or in the
yard, just talking about everyday events or of her son and brother.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Our daughter, with a 4 month old baby, be taken from us, and all
the drunks and drug addicts are not.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Just forget all the issues connected to death and just have the
memories we had togeather.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
at first totally went to pieces. Then I knew I had to be strong
enough for my family to accept what had happened to our lovely
princess, I tried to concentrate on things that we as a family had
done together , and tried to talk about it, it was hard to talk
about some things.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
n/a
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Friends and family that felt our pain along with us, and prayed
for us and with us, our church helped us a great deal.
--Religious Affiliation:
protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
n/a
--Regarding MONEY:
We had a hard time with the financial side of things. Our church
helped and family helped all they could.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How all family and friends tried to comfort us, they told us how
much they loved our daughter, and some how that just made things
not exactly easier, but, more able to bear.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Seeing my mother in law deteriate from a well person to someone
who was solely dependant on her family and nurses at the hospital.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
As with my mother in law I knoticed that her nails turned a bluish
color and there was a smell about her that I will never forget,
and the day she died she seemed to be getting well. But as the
saying goes you get better before you die, and I believe that.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
After some time passes the pain does ease up and we are able to
focus on some of the funny things that happened and even laugh
about them, I honestly believe that it takes time and one day at
a time to overcome some of the feelings associated with death,
and to be able to look at things in a different light.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My mother in law talked to her deceased relatives, the angels and
friends who had died. When she would tell me about seeing them or
talking to them I would just act like they really had been there
and ask her what they had to say. I never fdid tell her that she
was imagining things or the such, because I don`t know for sure
that she was.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
As I have said I daily talk to my loved ones, and any unresolved
issues at the time of their death has been dealt with and also put
to rest.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope to hear them say they were with our Lord and they did
not have anymore pain and they are happy.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
have never had this kind of experience. I have dreamed of her,
but it was just of things we had done or things we had planned to do.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would hope my family would respect my last wishes which I would
make clearly known, with legal factors. I would want to choose
my own casket and make and pay for all the arrangments before
I die if i am able to, to me this will help ease the pain of my
passing, as they would not even have to go to the funeral home
for arrangements of my burial.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
When I die I hope I can die with some dignity, as my experience
with terminal disease such as cancer, people have their dignity
taken away from them, because sometimes other people taking care of
them make them feel like they are useless, because they can`t care
for themselves and have to depend on others, and to me that is very
hard for people to acept. In my opinion anyone facing death needs
to be treated with respect, love, and honesty. I do not want ot be
lied to about my condition. If I am going to dye soon then I would
want to know.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
For me praying helped me alot. Time alone helped because it gave
me time to think about what was happening, and what I had to do
next. I got mad ,cried, blamed God, and even my self, I had alto
of emotions that time alone let me sort out.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
One thing I do every day (ritual or not, I don`t dnow ) is every
night before I go to sleep I talk to my daughter and mother in law
and tell them I miss and love them, sometimes I just tell them the
events of the day or my plans for later. this seems to help me deal
with my losses somewhat.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Even before my mother in law died, her daughter, my sister in
law were close friends, but after her passing we are closer than
we were. Now I am helping take of my sister in law because she
has the same thing that I helped take care of my mother in law
had.......terminal cancer.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
Sometimes just knowing that your loved one is out of the pain. To
me there is alot of humilitation for people that are dying of cancer
and other diseases.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
I just couldn`t believe she was really gone and I would no longer
be able to talk to her or see her.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Basically my immediate family reached out to one another, this
helped all of us I think.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Actually I enjoyed filling out these questions. It made me stop
and think about some of the things that happened at the death of my
loved ones. I have thought about things that have been put in the
back of my mind for some time. Some of the things I have remembered
or thought about have made me have mixed feelings about some and
I feel better about some of the others.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I feel that you might compose a question regarding the feelings of
the terminally ill person, such as what a person could do to make
their dependency on other people less humilitating or degrading
for them. This is a big issue I had with my mother in law and now
with my sister in law, neither one of them felt like they were
worth any thing because they couldn`t do things for themselves,
and it makes them feel awful, and to me that is a shame.
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Mon Aug 27 22:45:17 2001
M29 in Richmond, Virginia =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
searching hopsice links for professional research
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Prof/Studies: Chaplain
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sogyal Rinpoche
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer, Lymphoma; Aged: 76.
--Details:
She had struggled for 5 years with complications and treatment. Her
body and independence had been destroyed. She died around
Thanksgiving.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
inevitable, ever-present, and forbidden.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was told that we are always building expectations of the future
based on the people and things we love. When those futures are
destroyed, we grieve even if we didn't conscously realize that we
had made all those plans.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I stepped on my pet gerbil. I was devastated
with guilt and sorrow. My mother comforted me and talked to me for
a long time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Her final words for two days were 'No, no, no, no, no, no, no...'
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it can be a beautiful thing, full of bittersweet peace and dignity.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my grandparents discussed their own mortality with me for many years,
beginning when I was a young boy.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
solitude, quiet, and time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the social requirements of the funeral, memorial, etc...
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
There is nothing to 'do', your presence (emotional and physical)
gives them courage.
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
work with dying people everyday, in all sorts of situations and it
still hurts and it is still beautiful.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first became a professional and felt that there was some further
'role' I needed to fill instead of being deeply present.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is not irreverent, only avoidance.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
educate the health-care providers about proper pain management.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be present with my family at the time of her death
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
a patient 'gave me an angel' just before she died by plucking it
out of the air and placing it in my hand.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the community gathering at the funeral home. Many were insensitive.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have to witness death that is easily preventable or obviously
someone's fault (but not intentional). I also still get teary
thinking about the children's deaths I have witnessed.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Grandma would be driving a big-engined t-bird and be going to parties
and gatherings. We'd be all tailgating at a football game. She'd
be there when I graduated and when I got married.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
We have to invite the whole friggin town to this memorial and stay
there for three hours.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Hole up and not talk to anyone for days.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
grieved more for my grandmother's fighting against death than I
grieved her leaving.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
sadness. I now know so much more about pain control and proper
palliative medicine, I would have advocated for grandma.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
not enough. Since then I have worked with hospices and intend to
make a career out of it.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
an intrusive, 'holier-than-thou' element to grandma's friends that
were completely insenstive to the spiritual values that she already
held (non-church).
--Religious Affiliation:
Practising Kagyu Buddhist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
yes
--Regarding MONEY:
not an issue for us at all.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Utter torture. My father and I are very private about our grief and
needed that time to be with our family, not several hundred of the
town's 'society' people who only knew the outer (very social) side of
my grandmother. The staff were adequate but not incredibly sensitive.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The talk my father and I had driving the moving van back home.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I feel like I've seen them all now...there is no such thing as
'normal'...and it's more important to be attentive that prepared.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
again, everyone is different. I like solitude and intimate
disclosure, I find group bereavement to be uncomfortable.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
in hospice we call it 'that Christmas morning look' like a kid who's
just come down the stairs. My favorite was an elder lady who had
been comatose and completely unreactive for days. The family and I
sat vigil for I think three days, then she reached out her hands,
opened her eyes, got a beautific smile and expired.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I will relay my favorite told to me by a classmate. When he was a
young pre-teen, a family friend took him 'barn-storming' in a small
open cockpit prop plane. In a standard stunt, he nosed over for a
dive then cut the engine for a few seconds of dead-fall. The engine
then would not restart. He tried and tried to restart and finally
the plane roared to life. With no time to spare, the pilot pulled
on the stick for dear life. They cleared the rushing ground with no
room to spare. My friend reported watching the rabbits clear out
from under them and returning later to find a small gouge in the
dirt where the tail rudder had scraped ground! He said watching
your life flash before you at that age was dissapointing.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Gate, Gate, Paragate, Parasumgate, Bodhi Svaha
This is a prayer that
means 'gone,gone,gone beyond,gone beyond that is the enlightened
heart/mind'. To me it means that we have to realease everything to
the inevitability of death in order to truly be alive.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Hard to say, this one feels very contrived/contrary to my
experience...
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Tricky question or me. I do believe in honoring people's 'last
wishes' but often find myself counseling (from my own experience)
families to be aware of the intent of those wishes rather than the
form if I feel that carrying out those wishes would cause more harm
than good to the family's grieving process.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
The one fear I retain about death is for my family. I face my own
mortality more deeply all the time in my work and fear most for
how those around me will deal with it more than myself.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
An ancestor shrine in my altar room and grief rituals with a
Dgarra Shaman.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
My grandmother's death and my family's awareness of death in
general has directly led me to my career as an interfaith chaplain
specializing in family grief work.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Not directly, my work and my path have been directly influenced
by the death that I have experienced and therefore all of my
relationships are touched by it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Mom was sensitive to my pain but also normalized my grief responses
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
I felt great personal accountability
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Quiet companionship rather than 'drawing me out'. Even that though
would have been somewhat inappropriate for me and my father who
both derive great strength from solitude.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Comfortable ground. I appreciate your work.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
In general, your questions seemed to be 'feeling' and 'process'
oriented which is typically the more feminine styles of
grief. Questions for more masculine styles of grief might include
'What did you do?' 'Where in your body do you feel grief?' 'Are
there any objects or physical momentos that are meaningful to you,
why?' Often I run into heads of households that feel they need to
'be strong' for others in the family, maybe a question like 'were
there times that you were able to 'fall apart' or 'totally lose it'
with other family members?'
I also think there are ways to explore
the diversity of religious and spiritual reactions more deeply.
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Mon Aug 27 22:10:24 2001
F23 in Toronto, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 12 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: breast cancer; Aged: 43.
--Details:
I had the pleasure of watching my mother slowly fall apart as the
cancer and the treatments wasted her body, all the while she tried
to keep some standard of normalcy.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a pause that feels like forever, a transition of mass and energy
to forms we cannot interact with as much as we are used to .
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt like a black hole was ripping it's way through my head,
leaving chaos and a blind numbness in place for years.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mother died of breast cancer when I was 11.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
watching my father die a little bit each day after my mother's death,
and watching grief turn him into a person I could barely recognize.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not just telling children the person in question has "gone to live
with god and all the angels"-children can see an ending, and should
be told honestly about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
there is nothing, as a result of her death that I am grateful for.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own strength.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that no one in my family is able to talk about it, and
people are frightened that I want to.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them know they are loved.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
grew up way faster than anyone should have to.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my mother still believed in god despite what was happening to her.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it's a coping mechanism.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
give my life for hers.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
not succeed in killing myself.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I watched all the adults try to pretend nothing was wrong.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
everything matters when everything is falling apart.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see daughters with their mothers.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Likely my mother and I would be at eachother's throats b/c we
were/are such strongminded people.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she had to suffer and I had to grow up through adolesence with
no mother and a uncommunicative father who turned into an alcoholic
because he couldn't allow himself to grieve.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
give something up to bring her back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried and cried and cried all alone in my room.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
just stay home and be sick-treatments don't help, and the doctors
don't care.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no one is nice until you are terminal.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
hypocrisy.
--Religious Affiliation:
raised roman catholic(NOT by choice)
Atheist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a group mind-it's not religon it's a basic continuum of mass.
--Regarding MONEY:
my father thought money could placate grief.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how painful it was to be so exposed.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
dealing with people saying they were sorry. Why do people apologize
for things they have no control over?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when they need to wear diapers. When they cannot speak and their
flesh is a rotten shade of yellow.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I grieve for the part of me that died thaat day, as well as for
my mother.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope that she is happy and that there is no pain. I would
hope that she is proud of me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I dream of her sometimes. I'm a child again and I just sit there,
she holds me and I cry and all is well. She is very beautiful.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I want to die so I can find out what comes after.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I got over it. Things happen. Things hurt.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I try not to get too emotionally involved. I don't trust easily. I've
been with my husband 4 years and still I don't fully open up to
him. I feel like I'm 50 in my head but I'm really only 23. I feel
tired of life already.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No. I don't make friends easily or well.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish someone would have taken the time to see how much my father's
inability to grieve with me was hurting me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It showed me how truly bitter I am towards my life.
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Sun Aug 26 18:05:13 2001
F39 in Hopatcong, New Jersey ==
Name: Diane
Email: <pumpkin226=at=msn.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Mom and wife and cafeteria worker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 1/2 ago.
Cause of Death: Lung cancer; Aged: 66.
--Details:
My father died at home with my family.His dying taught me about
living and he made me realize not to be afraid of death.He told me
of his angel(luke}.Also not worry all would be alright.I do believe
him.He is still with me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A extention of living,for the body dies not the Soul.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Felt extreme saddness.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother I was 7 yrs old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The love I felt in my heart.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Compassion........
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Is my father looking at me,and showing me not to fear death.He
told me only time is what keeps us apart.For one day we will see
eachother again.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My beliefs and family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
How much my heart hurt,and missing them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Talk to them, hold them, listen and tell them how much you Love them.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
We all can learn and understand that dying is a part of life and
that I am handleing it
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
When my dad had the death rattle for 12 hrs and I wanted him to
cross over .I felt that it was prolonged but I realized it;s when
both are ready.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Take dad out one more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Have a wonderful father and Loving relationship with him.He knew
how much I loved him and I of him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I moved my dad;s leg because he couldn't he smiled at me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
My b-daY IS COMING OR HOLIDAYS.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i WISH i HAD HIM LONGER IN MY LIFE.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice was wonderful and caring.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
LOVE........
--Regarding MONEY:
We did not have much of it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How well everyone enjoyed being with my dad.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
My father told us to let him cross over it was so hard to do .Yet
we did.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My father saw his angel and my loved one swho have croosed over.He
also told me the hour he would coss over.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My father has come to me a few times.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
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Sun Aug 26 14:49:12 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 15 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: father's attempted suicide; Aged: 65.
--Details:
Please see above. It has been of tremendous help in helping me
accept the subsequent death of friends
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of the current physical manifestation.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was quite disinterested.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my aunt died at the age of early 70s. I was
less than 10. Being Cathlolic, there was a 'viewing' of the body
for several days. I was not close to the aunt and it was all a very
disconnected event.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
to pursue and live life is an individual's choice.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
to accept it as 'natural' and a part of the whole.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the awareness of what one gives when one is alive. Death can never
diminish that and death in itself is a stage to acknowledge.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
n/a
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
n/a
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be yourself and rejoice in your companion and their life.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
value life but don't diminish the value of death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
n/a
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
like life, death comprises all aspects of human personality,
including laughter.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
n/a
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be honest.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the will to stay or go by the dying person.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the rituals involved.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
n/a
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
n/a
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
n/a
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
n/a
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
n/a
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
dispassionate interest in the concern to maintain life in the West
when the individual wants to leave
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
n/a
--Religious Affiliation:
Buddhist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a breath of fresh air and far more honest than many other
perceptions of Death.
--Regarding MONEY:
ritual.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the struggle to balance the grieving and the joy of people getting
together.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it is recognition and respect for those around me.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
n/a
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
There have been 3 times when accidents brought me close to
death. The last was in late April in an auto accident. This time,
when I awoke from uncosciousness, I was surprised but not displeased
to be here. This is a change over previous events and one to which I
lay my faith in the Dharma and the joy in learning and spreading it
it gives me. This most recent accident has only served to reinforce
this feeling and motivation.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
n/a
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
n/a
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
n/a
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
see above.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
n/a
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Too early to say
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Crisis does bring people closer in many unusual ways. This is to
be welcomed and cherished.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
My father's multiple suicide attempts have best help me deal with
death, in that it has helped me to recognise the transitory nature
of life and the impermanence of one's attachment to it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
To my knowledge, I have always been quite matter-of-fact about death,
including my own, and on at times it is other people's difficulty
with accepting death that I have found harder to deal with.
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Sun Aug 26 01:15:56 2001
F17 in longview, washington =usa=
Name: rachel
Email: <stardawl9=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
by accident actually
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 4 ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 13.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt like I was in another world, an out of body expeirience for days
--That first time, how it happened was
two of my best friends commited suicide
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
our loved ones are in a better place
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the friends I know are out of thier hell
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my other friends in the circle of friends I ran with, we talked
alot and shared memories, it helped alot to talk
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling lonely
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
after a while i got into counciling, which helped
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Fri Aug 24 09:26:26 2001
F24 in Ithaca, NY =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: editor
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying (or something like that)
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sogyal Rinpoche
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a stomach tumor operation; Aged: 5.
--Details:
My parakeet, Snowy, died after I'd had her for exactly a month short
of 5 years. She was a vital, active bird, but had a stomach tumor
upon which an operation proved fatal.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
That's a great question. I would describe death as the biggest
mystery of life, and one basically unanswerable to most humans (I'm
sure that some are spiritually advanced enough to understand death).
I would say that someone's attitude towards death determines the way
they live, and that many see death as a judgement of their life.
I would say that death ends the ego as we know it, and that it
is either an ending (a closed door) or a passageway into another
self. I would say that an understanding of death would truly
revolutionize life, as people would be less greedy and clingy to
material possessions.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasn't that upset. It (I'm assuming we're talking about people,
not animals) was my great-grandmother, who was 93. I was 11, and
too young to feel genuinely attached, and though I cared about her,
I also felt that death was natural for someone that age.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... our dog, Dogus, died. I was the one who
found her. She'd had an operation to remove her uterus, and was
lying in great pain and in a weakened condition. I woke up a few
mornings after the operation, and had a strong feeling that I'd
find her dead. When I did, I was struck with sadness. I woke up
my sister and parents.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The first thing I did when I heard that Snowy had died was open
my mouth in a silent scream. I then announced her death to my
parents, and hid in my closet while my dad offered condolences,
and my mom annoyed me with fake sorrow (she never liked Snowy, but
feigned tears in a parody of grief). I was going to go to a Grateful
Dead concert with my sister, but defected to stay home and pay due
respects to the bird. My sister's friend Ricky insisted on taking
me out despite my wishes, and we went charging up some dangerous
mountainous path in the dark in his car.
When I retrieved the
body from the vet the next day, I was surprised by how empty it was.
Snowy had gone. I did not even feel sad about burying her body,
for it wasn't hers anymore. I have had multitudinous dreams of
her since her death, and speak to her every day.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I wish that we would bury people as plainly as possible. Plain pine
coffins, as requested in the Jewish faith, are fine, but not those
ridiculous, elaborate affairs that cost a bundle of money. As if
the dead body needs such care!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Snowy snuggled up to me before our final visit to the vet. She was
showing her love, and I'm sure she knew that she would die soon.
I also have a world of memories of her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Seeing Snowy's body, burying it, and feeling an extreme sense
of peace at the spot of burial whenever I returned.
I also
believe that I met a reincarnation of Snowy, a young grasshopper I
encountered while eating at an outside table of a Chinese restaurant.
The grasshopper actually played with me in the same way that Snowy
had, batting antenae around my fingers and hopping up to my head
in the exact same route, and with the same cadences, of Snowy.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that there would be no answering chirp to my own when I
returned to my room every day.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I am not sure. Warmth and a sense of comfort are vitally important;
I think that one should accomodate the most exacting of wishes,
whenever possible.
--[My pet's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
understood how the spirit actually does leave the body-- the dead
body is NOT the individual who died.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was never confused, except about whether to get Snowy the operation
or not. She surely would have died either way.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
um, that didn't happen.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have been with her when she died, and have told her that I loved her
beforehand. I had told her that many times, but was too embarassed
to say it in front of my dad and the vet at our final parting.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
bury Snowy in a good spot for her, under a tree on a hillside.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
??
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the actual death itself, I think.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about saying my final goodbye to the bird, or when I think
of calling the vet to find out. He affirmed that Snowy was alright
when I asked, then said that she had passed on during the operation.
I felt that it was a sensitive way to deal with the issue.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Poor Snowy would be old and grizzled; probably dead anyway. I think
that everything that happened was natural, and can't imagine how
things would be now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that Snowy had to live with me and not in a setting natural for
parakeets. We were so close by the end, and she flew around freely,
but I still feel that she had a rather unnatural life.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt that it was the right time for Snowy to have moved on.
She and I had a wonderful relationship, and had learned much from
each other. I think that we both may have needed to move on to
other things, however. When I look back (perhaps selfishly) on
my life, I feel that her death enabled me to experience things I
would not have had she been alive, such as working at summer camp.
A bird would not have been allowed there. All in all, there was
a sense of harmony about her death, as if all had been right.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude-- the vet was compassionate, and his assistant nobly
spread Snowy's wings out for the x-ray, endangering himself with
exposure to the rays.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not a whole lot.
--Religious Affiliation:
I'm Jewish culturally.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true
--Regarding MONEY:
well, my dad paid the vet costs (I was in my first year of college).
I'm lucky in that regard; I have no idea how much Snowy's treatment
cost.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was alone and it was very natural. I buried her as she was.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
my poor Snowy becoming sleepy all the time. I was very upset to
see this in her; she was always so active.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
The form of Snowy occurs often in my dreams (not so much now as in
years past), and, once in a while, it seems that she herself is there
to visit me. A pigeon in Prague went to the bathroom a suspicious
number of times on me and my table as I sat at an outdoor restaurant,
and I couldn't help but feel Snowy's mischeivous presence at work.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I do not feel that we have unresolved issues.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Aside from dreams, I sometimes feel, or imagine that I feel, the
bird landing on my head, and I imagine scratching her head as I
used to do.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
People should understand the vital importance of making the
atmosphere of the dying as comfortable and pleasant as possible, and
in acceding to most wishes, and in invoking humor to diffuse anxiety.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think about my own death all the time. It scares me, but I
know that there is really nothing to be afraid of. I just don't
want a violent death-- like Keats, I want to feel, and understand,
the process taking place within me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote about her death in a letter to a friend.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No. I called my boyfriend at the time in hysterics at Snowy's death.
He was high from smoking pot, and displayed empathy, yet laughed
while his friend barbarically devoured a chicken.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I felt that, although I was sad, that death was natural and alright.
I did wish for her to come back and visit, but I knew that death
was a natural process.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
I didn't feel that I was hindered in dealing with death.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Talking to my dad was helpful.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was very thorough, and it felt good to get everything out
in writing. I don't know how many people would show interest in
this, however.
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Wed Aug 22 20:05:21 2001
F36 in Oceanside, Ca =usa=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
Just surfing the web for quizzes and polls, etc.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, over 20 ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 45.
--Details:
I was abused mentally and emotionally by her until she realized
she had cancer. The last two years of her life, she began to be a
"real" mother to me, then she died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
final. There is no proof that life as we know it exists after a
person's life force leaves their body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 13
--That first time, how it happened was
The death of my mother. She got sick with breast cancer and it
ended up being bone and marrow cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Complete abadonment by her side of the family as well as her herself.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
unkown
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
nothing
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Pain, anger, loss, fear.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell her goodbye.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
noticed that a part of myself died as well.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Coldness, and children were not allowed.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Not much.
--Religious Affiliation:
Science of the Mind(?)
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Everyone wanted me to take her place and take care of my brother
and my dad
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I had none.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
More therapy
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I asked her if she would do this, she said she would, then she
did not.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I get panick attacks revolving around death.
I would be scared to
my limitations.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
Lots and lots of individual therapy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I kind of was befriended by the neighbors across the street.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Rough
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Wed Aug 22 18:19:46 2001
Anonymous Guest
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: emphasyma; Aged: 67.
--Details:
she smoked cigarettes lots and before she died she was using an
oxygen tank and mask to breathe with.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our physical existance. People do not come back. Their
bodies deteriorate.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was curious about it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great-grandmother died and i went to
her funeral.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that my grand mother was not in pain anymore.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
to cope with it better and try to understand it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
no more suffering for the person if they are sick.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a talk I had with a friend who believes in the indian culture of
spirits and how we will live on as other things or objects.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my familys feelings because I am not as sensitive as my mother
or sister.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Everything will be all right.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
know life is not one without death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the location of the burial was decided.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
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Wed Aug 22 14:42:55 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 15 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 46.
--Details:
he struggled for 5 years to fight the disease, but in the end it
won.Towards the end he went downhill very fast and even though only
16 I knew he would die, but nonetheless it was ashock when it came.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
inevitable, it has many causes and is sometimes a blessing because
suffering can be worse.It causes pain to those who knew the deceased,
and changes their lives. It isnt worth worrying about whilst alive
because ultimately there is nothing we can do to prevent it
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
It was an unusual experience, I wasnt affected by sorrow, but felt
the sorrow and despair of those around me.I learned that it is
harrowing for most and makes you realise just how mortal you are
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother diesd on my13th birthday,
however due to a family feud, I had not seen her for years and
didnt feel upset. what was distressing for me was to see how upset
my mother was, and others.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the feeling that the earth had come to a standstill and that people
should not be going about their business. Sympathy was irritating
as it couldnt possibly come close to addressing the level and
intensity of my emotional chaos
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
bereaved all have very different responses,dont expect people to act
a certain way, eg crying their eyes out or falling apart. death of
a loved one is a much bigger event, it takes time to get used to,
allow people to deal in their own way, dont judge their grieving
process even if they are acting like nothings happened.friends
should be prepared to be there long after the death if needs be,
even if its ten years later.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing at the time. but it has made me more compassionate ,
non-judgemental and perceptive of peoples emotions.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Friends treating me as normal, reading books, doing normal things. I
got irritated when people used to treat me as something to feel
sorry for, or expect me to be overwrought.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to talk to my father because he was my guide, my
mentor and my confidante
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Dont expect to get over it, you only get used to it. dont expect
to be upset like in the movies, the immediate impact is shock,
which will buffer you from all the people and arrangements of the
funeral. Life carries on around you no matter what. When the calm
comes after the storm it is then you will feel the loss more but
also when you learn you can carry on. Its the little things that
will stab at you like finding a glasses case etc, but let the
memories flow because they are healing.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I left for scool without hugging my father which I normally did,
but I was late and I didnt, he called me back but I said I didnt
have time. It is a regret, there is always time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
dreamed about it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
funeral made it se weird not natural even though it was normal
funeral. It made me realise just how dreadful death was.
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Wed Aug 22 14:41:46 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, almost 3wks ago.
Cause of Death: health; Aged: 50.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Rage
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
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Wed Aug 22 09:31:44 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: colon cancer; Aged: 75.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a feeling of unescapability and fear. As you get older day by day
you have more and more fear as to when it will happen to you and
what the result will be.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in disbelief and shock that it could happen to a grandfather
i was so close to on my 12th birthday
--That first time, how it happened was
grandfother died on my birtday getting ready to come to my 12th
birthday
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my closeness to my grandfather and how a thing like death could
happen on my birthday
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it can put an end to extreme suffering and pain such as in the case
of my mother-in law.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
grandfather dying on my birthday
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was really embarrasing and i did not understand how i could do so.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would experience a lot less fear in my life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
know i was going to heaven when i die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
confidence and improving all the time
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
good.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
trying to strengthen my belief in god
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
my grandfather was so close to me
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Wed Aug 22 08:58:00 2001
F45 in Washington, D.C. =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elisabeth Kuebler Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Nephew, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: sudden illness; Aged: 5.
--Details:
I have had co-workers and acquaintances die since this event,
but nothing affected me like my nephew's death.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
manifested by the complete and total departure of the force that
gives our bodies life from our bodies. We do not know what happens
to this force when it leaves. Many religious and spiritual beliefs,
and scientific explanations have arisen that seek to explain this
event, and its implications in our current existence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked at its utter finality.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father was killed in an accident in 1968 -
I was 12.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the complete absence of the person's energy in my life.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to be respectful of and support the process of dying.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the depth of understanding it eventually gave me on the transitory
nature of things.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being able to cry about it in private.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the impact it had on others who were close to them.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
incorporated the experience into my life, and came to terms with the
finality of it. I permitted it to change me and to help me to grow.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
other people reacted in ways that I thought were odd. Like talking
and laughing at the wake.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I looked around the room at my nephews wake and saw the grief on
everyone's face. No one was shut down or zoning out - everyone
was experiencng the loss and in as much pain as I was. That was
very reassuring.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
an anniversary or birthday comes up.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that this happened to my family.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried hard about the loss.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Oppression, no license to explore possibilities, a lot of rules
but no guidance.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
more real than any religious beliefs.
--Regarding MONEY:
there was a loss of wages but a boon from the insurance company.
We suddenly had a great deal of money, but since it was all going
out and none was coming in, I heard constant concerns and worries
about money.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don;t think they had the opportunity for that, although I do
believe it is a part of a natural process.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I am re-entering therapy to explore some of the issues I htink I
still have aboout my father. Since our relationship was cut short,
I did not get a chance to resolve some things.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
when I worked with HIV/AIDS patients, frequently when they died
I met them in a dream, in a corridor with doors. I would be
standing in the corridor and they would come out one door, and
impart instructions or just chat, and then leave through another
door. It was not only my patients and people I know now - it was
also people I had known years ago who I think must have died and
I ran into them in this corridor. I stopped having this dream when
I changed the work I was doing.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The truth is that doctors have the power to completely ignore
the rights and wishes of the dying, and will do so at their own
initiative or with prompting from family. It does not matter what
wishes you express, what you out into writing or what you think
you have agreements about. You have to have at least one advocate,
someone who will confront doctors who ignore your wishes, and
challenge family members who may want to circumvent your will. Even
then, it can be difficult to get your wishes respected.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am very aware of it, think about it daily, and try to live my
life in such a way that I am prepared for it at any time.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
I became very depressed, and had difficulty with the event and its
consequences for most of my life.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
Catholic religion we were raised in had a lot of rules, but not
many answers.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Letting me speculate with them about what happens when we die would
have been helpful. The Catholic priests were really arrogant.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
reminded me that I had resolved to live with the imminence of death.
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Tue Aug 21 23:04:41 2001
F17 in brooklyn, new york =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: i just finished 2 years college
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: CANCER; Aged: 50.
--Details:
MY MOTHER WAS AT HOME AND I HEARD HER FALL DOWN. I RAN AND TRIED
TO PICK HER UP AND PUT HER ON THE BED. I COULDN'T AND I CALLED MY
FATHER AND SISTER TO HELP. I CALLED THE AMBULANCE BUT THEY WERE
NOT ABLE TO REVIVE HER. I WAS IN HER ROOM WHEN SHE PASSED AWAY
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
THE LACK OF LIFE IN A LIVING CREATURE. MEANING: A PERSON LIFE DEPENDS
ON HIS HEART AND MIND. IF THEY STOP WORKING, THE PERSON IS DEAD
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
WAS 15 YEARS OLD. IT WAS THE LAST DAYS OF 10TH GRADE
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD, MY MOM PASSED
AWAY. SHE HAD CANCER
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I WAS IN SHOCK AND ALL MY FRIENDS STARTED ACTING WEIRD. THEY DIDNT
KNOW HOW TO REACT. THE WHOLE COMMUNITY WAS TALKING ABOUT MY MOTHERS
DEATH. THEY HELPED US OUT A LOT
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I learned from my culture that everything that G-d does is for the
good. Although many times we cannot see it with our naked eyes,
we know that G-d has a masterplan for everything. If we were able
to understand everything G-d does, then we ourselves can be G-d. I
know that the death of my mother was for the ultimate good. Although
it is hard to see this, i strongly believe it is true.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
was support over the internet. I need the support but i do not like
making people feel uncomfortable. when i speak to people i know,
they don't know how to react. I like speaking over the net because
you will never meet these people again and you can find more people
dealing with the same type of problem
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that i am not able to have the advice i need from my mother. i am
not able to have someone love and care for me the way my mother did
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't ignore people because you have nothing to say or don't know
what to say. let them know that u r there and u care about them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
about 3 months after the death. I started 11th grade. I had to act
as if i was my old normal self. as if nothing happened. Everyone
loved me but they did not realize that inside it was hurting so much.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i did not laugh at all. i cried for days
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my mother how much i love her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with my mother the last few moments and days of her life
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
all my neighbors sent over suppers and offered all their help.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i lie in bed and think of my mother. what a great woman she was
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it would be very different. right now since i am the oldest sibling
at home, i have to take care of my younger siblings and my father. i
come home from school and make supper eveyday. i run the house. i
play a two person role.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that i dont have a mother yet all my friends do
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be with my mother again
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
a greta medical community. they tried everything they can do to
save the life of my mother
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
synagogue. it helped me a lot to know that i have a bible to follow
and i have goals. i know that everything in the bible is true and
right. i follow whatever it says in there. it is good to know u
have a set way to lead ur life
--Religious Affiliation:
i am a religious jew
--Regarding MONEY:
thank God my family has enough money to cover all the costs.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how the hall where the funeral took place was packed. everyone
was squashed. there were people outside because they couldn't fit
in. everyone was quiet and was praying.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
getting phone calls for my mother. some of my distant relatives who
have not heard phoned and asked to speak to my mother. it was very
weird and i did not know how to tell them
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
letting the person know that u r there for them is a great help
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Support Group
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it helped me think on a deeper level. it made some of my thoughts
more clear
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Mon Aug 20 19:41:42 2001
F17 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 1/2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 60-some.
--Details:
i found out when i came back from vacation. it occurred while i
was on vacation but my family felt it best not to tell me until i
got home.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a disappearing physically of a person but not in memories
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was a girl i went to school w/ but was not very
close friends w/ was killed when a man ran a red light.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
missing my grandfather at christmas
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to hide it from younger people
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
dealing w/ the memories and seeing my grandfather's brother who
looked very similar to him
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see my grandfather's brother
--Religious Affiliation:
lutheran
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
i was kept away from going to viewings and funerals
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Mon Aug 20 15:40:54 2001
F43 in Fort Erie, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Sue
Email: <p_fawcet=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: customer service rep.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Parents, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 73.
--Details:
In August of 98, my mother was diagnosed with lung and liver
cancer. On September 12th of 98, my father died in his sleep,
from natural causes, according to the doctor and 20 days later,
my mother passed away. After my father died, my Mom just seemed
to give up and went downhill very quickly.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our physical journey and the start of our spiritual one.
We can no longer be seen or touched, but we live on, only on a
different level. We also live on through our children with the
teaching we have instilled in them.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried until my father came to calm me down. I remember him asking
me if I knew that my uncle was going to die. I lied to him and
told him no. I did know that he was sick and was going to die,
I just didn't want it to happen. I was only ten at the time.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my very favorite uncle died of cancer when
I was en years old
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the rest of the family seemed more at peace. They knew that he
was no longer in pain.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is a beginning of a new adventure, and as long as we live,
those that have passed on will live in us.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My Mom went quickly and did not have to suffer long. Also that
my father and older brother, who passed away a year earlier from
a massive heart attack, were there with her when she crossed over.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
that I felt my mother's pressence around me shortly after she passed
away. I still feel her around me sometimes when I least expect it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the people and their well wishes. It was a very difficult time
for me trying to be polite.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just being there is important to them. Even when they are in a coma,
they know that you are there.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was there for her till the end. I also held it together to make
it through the hard times when the funneral is over and hopefully
I carried out all of her wishes.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had to try and keep it together and be there for the rest of
the family.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that it was a release of a lot of stress. My brother always told
me that you have to find the humor in bad situations. It helps
keep you sane.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
told my Mom not to worry about me. I also wish that I could've
had the chance to tell my Dad how much I love him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
rely on my friends for support.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my Dad held hands with my other two brothers at my oldest brother's
funeral. I knew then that we would make it through this difficult
time.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
people making it a point to come up to me to offer their condolences.
I don't even remember half the people who were thereand ended up
constantly repeating thank you for being so nice. I didn't even
realize that I was doing it until it was pointed out to me by a
guy I was dating at the time.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
something reminds me of them.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think things would've been different if they were still here.
I think life would've been just the same as it was before they died.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I lost both my parents so quickly. I never really got to
greave for my father when my Mom died.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be with them.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I still find it a little hard to eccept that my Mom is gone.
every once in ahile it hits me, like when I want to call and talk
to her. I think it hits me everyday.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
repect. My family doctor was wonderful and carin, as were the
nurses in the hospital and my pharmisist.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
We had a caregiver come in to help my Mom and a nurse as well.
The caregiver was wonderful, but I found the nurse very cold and
did not like her. If my Mother had lived longer, I would've had
them send a different nurse.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i don't go to church, but I do beleive in God. I thanked him
for taking my mom so quickly and for not having her suffer for a
long time.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I beleive in reincarnation. I know that eventually I will be with
my family again, if not in the spirit world, then in another life
here on this planet.
--Regarding MONEY:
there wasn't any, well very little anyways. there was enough to
give my bothers some and to pay off the bills.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I don't really remeber much about the funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
picking out the urn.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the physical appearance. My Mom started to lose weight and developed
a cough.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
first it was shock, then denial, then depression and last acceptance,
which I'm still working on.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
When my grandmother died, just before the end, she saw her parents
and her brother. When my Mom died, I felt my brother there in her
last moments.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel that any unresolved issues that I had with them, died with
them. I don't beleive that they carried anything negative to the
other side.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just want to tell them that I love them, my mom, dad,
and brother, and that they are always with me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
The night that my Mom died, I felt her here. She even came to bed
with me me and held me until I fell asleep. My brother from out
east had come home and flew into a rage at me and nearly put me
over the edge. My Mom was there to help calm me down. When my
brother died and i was at his apartment cleaning it out, he came
to me to tell me that everything would be alright and that he would
be there for me to help me through it. He also told me tha he woud
be there when my parents died and he was.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
As well as having an executor, make sure you have a power of
attorney. If there are some wishes that you just can't fulfill,
don't live the rest of your life in guilt, but try to keep their
wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would make sure that everyone that I am close to knows how I feel
about them and tell them that they must go on and that I would be
with them always even if they can't see me. I'm not afraid to die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I talk to them
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
I never thought he was rally going to die
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I would be a shoulder to lean on and I would just listen to them
and let them get it out of their system
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me put a lot of my thoughts into words.
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Sun Aug 19 00:07:01 2001
F30 in Upstate, NY =US=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Search on Death and Dying
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Prof/Studies: recovery of tissue for transplantation
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 54.
--Details:
I'm only 30 years old. I have known her for 5-6 years. I cannot
describe our closeness, it just was. I knew when I met her I would
be with her when she died. I also was her caregiver at the time
when she needed me. It is hard to describe, the whole thing has
changed me. People would never understand
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The actual witnessing the moment of death was the most incredible
experience I have ever encountered. I have also witnessed birth.
For me, I had this incredible amount of strength. I am not one
to pray around people but it felt natural to pray out loud to her.
She could not speak or move for about 3 days up to her death. She
could hear because she would raise her eyebrows in acknowledgement
of your voice. The process of her death was peaceful compared to
the previous months. I feel extremely blessed to have shared her
last moments with her. I was the only one there. I had told her,
I was strong enough to handle it and any time she was ready I would
be there. That is another reason why I knew she could hear. I was
not scared and I would have not traded it for anything. It took me
a couple days to figure out what it was that made me know it was her
last breath. It was her eyes, they were wide open. When she took
her last breath I could see the life leave her eyes. One second
there was life, the next it was gone. I will never forget that.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was stronger than I have ever been before.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my mother's best friend, she was
older than my mother. She was like family to us. She adored my
sister and I because she only had boys. They were also grown.
We were like her grandchildren
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how grateful I am to have shared that last moment with her.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not something to be scared about
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I am no longer afraid of death or suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself and my spirituality
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I miss her so much
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Never take them for granted, and remember someday you are going
to die.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was there for her. She trusted me with her life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
After it was over
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i laughed alot and she would have too
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Ask her a couple of questions that I always wanted answers to.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be her caregiver and be there
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
she would try to respond, and how much energy that must have taken
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
everything was significant to me especially
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i am still crying it has only been a month
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it would be the same, we would be laughing and having great
conversation
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i am happy she is at peace
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
i try to not let it get so difficult
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
grateful for hospice
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very pleasant
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not much into orgainzed religion, but my own belief in God was a
tremedous part of all of this
--Religious Affiliation:
past Roman Catholic/ currently waiting for a religious affiliation
I like
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we are all just human
--Regarding MONEY:
money has nothing to do with birth or death
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the pastor talked to much
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
her not being able to talk
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I cannot describe it, I just knew. I am not talking about all the
medical signs. I am just saying I knew.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I am still grieving and I have conversations with her everday.
I feel it is good for me to talk to her. I have a little shrine
set up and I talk to her. I imagine what she would say to me,
she was also my mentor. I can hear her words and answers to me.
So even though she is not here, I still feel she is with me, always.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have has several spiritual experiences happen. One happened
before she passed and was very significant. I believe it was God
and I believe that is where my strength came from. I was awoken
in the middle of the night and in the room was a being, I cannot
describe it. I was paralyzed in the bed, and tears came out of
my eyes but I was not crying. They came out of the corners of my
eyes. First one eye than the other, one tear at a time. My first
reaction was she had passed, I ran into her room but she was fine.
Moments before she died, I believe she saw what I saw that night.
Out of the corner of her eye came one single tear. I believe
that I was given a gift. The gift that she was going to be fine.
Several other things have happened since her death.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Same as above
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
We really did not have issues
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I told her everything and I still talk to her
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have messages of clarity, prediction, and assurance. I thing
the whole thing is incredible. It has really restored my faith.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Living life more fully
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not afraid to die anymore because of the whole experience
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
My shrine and talking to her
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Still only a month
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Her daughter and I have become extemely close. She is my age.
We took care of her and we are forever friends now.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
I was 9 and really don't remember how I felt
Don't remember
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish someone could really understand but there is no way to
describe what changes I have been through. I wish I could give to
others what I was given during this time. I feel so blessed.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Thank you
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Thu Aug 16 10:25:05 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo.com - Entertainment
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
What if God were the Sun
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
John Edwards
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Brain Tumor; Aged: 15.
--Details:
It was very quick after they found out he had a tumor
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our physical exsistance. We no longer need a body and
are born into a spiritual world.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
totally deneyed the fact that it had even happened, and when I
realized it had, I didn't take it very well.
--That first time, how it happened was
Grandfather died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I completely deneyed the fact that it happened for 4 years. I didn't
believe it was true.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It doesn't matter what went on in the physical world between you
and another person, when they cross over everything is forgiven
and they will always be there for you.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I know that everyone I have lost is still with me and watching
over me. And I am no longer afraid of death, It's a natural process.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Spending time alone, remembering the good times, forgetting the bad.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being able to say goodbye or I'm sorry, but I now realize that
I still can.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
When someone is dying it's hard to be around them, you don't
want to see them like that, but that is when they need you most.
You should make sure you tell them all that you feel and need to
while you can, don't wait until it's too late.
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Realized that whatever happened when he was still here happened in
the past, it's forgiven and forgotten now.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I finally realized that I would never see him again.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Go to his funeral and visit him in the hospital.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know him before he was gone.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Began to think about what it's like on the other side.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
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Wed Aug 15 01:15:50 2001
F18 in Ann Arbor, MI =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo entertainment clicking
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Prof/Studies: Fammily Life Ministry student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 63?.
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--Death Is:
when our bodies cease total function and our souls leave
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was really little and had a cold - everytime I smell a cherry Halls
I am reminded of my Grandpa's military funeral
--That first time, how it happened was
my Grandpa died of cancer when I was five years old
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Halls
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I will remember my grandpa as an awesome guy and never have
bad memories of what I have now learned he was like
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
I don't really know
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Mon Aug 13 23:04:58 2001
F20 in kingston, r.i. =usa=
Name: amy
Email: <asooz822=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: college student
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More personal info:
i would like to be posted in the hopes of getting help from others
who have delt or is dealing this a death of a friend.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: passenger in drunk driving accident; Aged: 19.
--Details:
it was our spring weekat college, and everyone was having a
great time before finals. i had gone home with Ravens roomate
for the night. Alicia got woken up by a phone call from the
college informing her of the accident. When i found Alicia crying
hysterically i couldnt believ what happened. i did not cry unitl
i was in the shower before leaving to go back to school. The kid
who was driving was drunk and high and Raven was in the passenger
seat. she was the only one wearing a seatbelt yet the only one who
died. she died on impact....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a horrible thing to deal with, even though u know deep down that
it happens and its Gods plan and we have no control over it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
it was only 3 months ago and this is the first time.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my friend got killed in a drunk driving
accident. her friend was driving drunk and high. we were friends
for only 3 months, but un those 3 months she touched my life in so
many ways.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how so many people came together, people who had never even met
before, to help witht he healing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
she was apart of my life! and that i was the one with alicia when
we found out the news.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking about hte memories with friends. recalling the things raven
said to us, or what she did or said.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
trying to realize she wont be back at school when we go back. that
she is no longer with us, yet she is always in my thoughts its
still not the same..
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
important it is not to get ina car after drinking or with someone
who has been drinking, no matter how many they/you had. accidents
can still happen even when u are only 2 monutes away from school.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
now, why it had to happen, why her, why not the kid driving. why
no one tried hard enough to get her out of that car.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
raven gave us the strengthto laugh and be happy the first time out
at tilly's (bar) after the accident. she pulled a chair up for her,
and drank a heiniken for her, and most importantly had a safe sober
ride home.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
go with alicia to the dorm door to give her her bagle before leaving
for new york. telling her how much i appreciate her actions on
my birthday.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for alicia, raven's roommate/best friend.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think how unfair it is. or just thinking she is not her anymore. or
thinking of how her family is doing.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
if this didnt happen i think people at our school would still
be careless and drink and drive with thinking it cant happen to
them. the scary part o fthis is, it could have happened to anyone
of us. if it didnt happen to raven, it would have happened to
someone else.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
plain and simple, its just not fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die too. sometimes i want to just rip my skin off to get the feeling
out of me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
it still seem snreal to me, and i wonder if it ever will seem real.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
it was hard for me to go bakc to church, in fear of crying and
once i did i was affraid of looking to the center of the isle,
to see her coffin, that was not there.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there was so many people there. i recall hearing from a friend
that when raven was in the hopsital a while before, no one came to
visit. it was nice to see so many people there. also to meet her
parents and sisters....
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
thinkin its not real
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the first year without her. going back to school, holidays,
birthdays, and spring week..
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
ravena nd i never had a misunderstanding or argument. but anoither
thing that was weird is she resolved most of her issues the night
before the day of her death.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would tell her how special she made me feel on my birthday. How
she helped me stand up for myself to theother group of girls.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
for me raven visited me in a dream the night of her birthday. she
didnt look the same but i knew it was her. other people from
school were in the dream and i had asked them if they see her. i
remember asking her what she is doing back here. i cant rememebr
what she said but i feel like she was leting me know that she is
ok and that place really isnt that bad. her sister had a dream of
raven before her prom that she was hesitat to go to. raven told her
int he dream to go. so she went and wore the same dress rave wore.
when pictures were develpoed from the prom, there were pictures of
ravens prom with her in the same dress. how weird...
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
definately. i became closer to those i was already friends with
that were friends with her, and became friends with so many people
that i didnt really know.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
thinking she will not be at school when we get back in aug will be
so hard.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i really want to get research and talk to schools about drining
and driving.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was good, for the time being.
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Mon Aug 13 14:45:10 2001
F28 in Las Vegas, NV =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 56.
--Details:
extremely sudden.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life as we know it on this Earth. If you have a spiritual
belief system, it is the graduation in to another form and another
life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was actually about 20 and it was a friend of the family's funeral -
the first one I ever went to.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mother weas diagnosed suddenly with stage
IV lung cancer and died a month later.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the differences in which we all handle death.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to accept it! It happens to us all. We need to integrate it in to
our daily lives, cause it is going to happen!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I formed a closer relationship to other family memebers. My mother's
death also brought me to my profession.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My relationship with God.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing her in pain.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to touch and love the person - they are still there!
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
took gifts and lessons from it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the doctors were all saying different things and I could see
her dying.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
life goes on. she was dying, we were not.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there more, make mom more comfortable.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there during her death.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
some people's reactions. Those my mother touched in her life came
out to support us and her.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
to me, the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I need my mom. I think of her every day. I cry when I need to, and
I am not ashamed. I will never get over this loss, it has become
a part of me as she was.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it would be sooo different. I wouldn't have the appreciationf or
life or mom that i do now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why are fat, unhealthy people still living when my mom took care
of herself.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
hurt again.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Disgust. Wish I would have known about hospice. If they had been
honest she coud have been comfortable/
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I got closer to God.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting. There is a life! Isaw her go!
--Regarding MONEY:
None
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It seemed like an exaggeration of bad taste.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the funeral
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Change in breathing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It comes and goes - all stages do not occur systematically.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I saw her go. She became at rest, peaceful and calm, warm and with
a glow.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
No
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I talked openly with her enough before her death
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would be comforted to hear her - but I think I am fairly sure
that she is well and comfortable, happy
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
No
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
MY wishes! My mother wanted one thing, but my dad did another.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I htink about it lots. I hope I can handle it well for those
around me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I go places we used to go together and mourn her out loud! I say
you should be here in the middle of the mall!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I appreciate life, relationships. I try to not take things so
seriously, I try to treasue every day
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I find that my path to hospice was forged by her death
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
Other family memeber's inability to cope
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I just talked. I have never stopped talking about her.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was cathartic
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Sun Aug 12 21:19:57 2001
F21 in Harrisburg, PA =USA=
Name: Megan Flurie
Email: <mflurie=at=dynamicdesigner.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: E-support- Earthlink Inc.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Severe complications of diabetes; Aged: 52.
--Details:
In and out of hospitals with heart problems and strokes and
everything. He came home from hospital one day, that night he died.
4 days later on his birthday we buried him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Leaving of the coporeal body and never returning
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Avoided people and food.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my grandfather.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I didn't cry until 2 years later, after we closed the casket.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It isn't something that needs to be avoided, instead cherished.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It brings those that were close to the desceased closer together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My series of councillors
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing I wouldn't have them around to talk to anymore.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Say things while you have the chance. DO NOT avoid the person,
no matter how much it hurts to be around.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Sometimes if you close your eyes and listen really hard, even though
you know they are gone, you can still hear the advice he may have
given when alive.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Not much to confused about.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wouldn't have avoided him as much that night.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
See him before the corners got to the house.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Being able to choose a basket of flowers from funeral.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
People and relatives coming to the house.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I might still be in a four year collage. I also may never had
ended up in a physicological unit for 2 weeks.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
my dad was a strong Christian yet he died so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Quite frankly die...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
broke down for 3 days and didn't eat or sleep.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
We just don't have enough science, nor do we test for the right
things.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They were nice, but it was weird having all the people in and out
of house.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
God killed the one who loved him.
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Ominous
--Regarding MONEY:
It was harder to get by. I was going off to collage and mom was
stuck paying off big bills.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Everybody is too contrisending.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Eyes rolling back...coldness of person.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
There was none, but then again he died in his sleep and we were
all asleep.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I didn't have any.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you and I'm sorry I hid away so much that night. I was just
scared because I knew I was going to loose you.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My father tends to give advice to me when I needed it.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The only wish I have is NO viewing. I don't want people staring
at me as a cold slab of meat laying in a container while they cry
over me.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I've tried to commit suicide a few times. I don't mind the thought
of dying soon, I'm quite frankly ready for it when it happens.
Outside I may be young...inside I feel like I'm 90...90 is too old
to worry about dieing.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
None. Closing the casket just stopped my grieving.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My mom, sister and I are closer
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
All the adults crying
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It hurt, but at least I got through it this time.
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Sun Aug 12 11:40:41 2001
F54 in hilton, ny =usa=
Name: linda chaffee
Email: <mimigirl14468=at=yahoo,com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
search engines
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Prof/Studies: nurse
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More personal info:
i haave had a fourth heart attack since my husband died,i stand on
my faith and trust in god.he has provided for my every need.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
heaven,encounters of the god kind
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
jesse duplantis
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 1yr ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 54.
--Details:
my husband had liver cancer,suffered terribly.six monthe of terrible
pain and bleeding.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
cessation of physcial existence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was three years old.it was my favorite uncle.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my favorite uncle was killed in a car
accident,i was three.i remember seeing him as a angel,the night he
died.he told me he was ok,that he would be fine,and that he would
always love me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how my family tried to leave me out because of my age.i was not
allowed to attend my uncles funeral.i was very angry at them.children
understand death more than adults think.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
as much a part of life,as living each day to its fullest.we fear
death.the unknow properities distress most people.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my uncle ,eventho he had died took the time to make sure i understood
and would be ok.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
during my husbands illness i kept a daily journal.i was able to
put all of my feelings on paper,and after he died i had something
tangible to hold onto when there seemed to be nothing.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
i was no longer someones wife,i no longer had that close person to
listen to me and to hold me when i needed it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
allow your loved one to voice their fears and make as many plans for
you as they are able to do.my husband planned his own funeral with
us,he also told my family and friend that if the time ever came that
i wished to remarry that it was ok,with him,he would consider it a
compliment to him.so talk,let them talk about whatever they need to.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
i was able to give him the very best care,the last thing i could
ever do for him.i was able to live and share the last moments of
his life.most of all he left knowing that he was totally loved.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the first hour after he died and i realized that for the first time
in 32yrs that i was totally alone and on my own,and if i fell on
my face there would be no one there to pick me up.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
stress produces strange reactions and laughter or crying helps
release that stress.for me i found so much on my mind that i was
a scatterbrain,i could not remember anything.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
i do wish that instead of working,i had spent more of that time
with him,however in reality one of us had to work,and he could not.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
to be by his side for the last three weeks every moment until he was
gone.we shared the finishing part of his life together just as we had
in our marriage together,this experience brought our family closer
together.he settled so many things for the children and for me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my husband had not eaten for three weeks and two days before he
died he asked me to go to wendys and get him some chili.i went
but i complained the entire time thinking that this was taking
valuable time away from us and that he would not be able to eat
it,he ate the whole thing,his last meal and did not get sick,so i
was grateful that i went .
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
most people do not discuss the impending death,we discussed every
part continually,he even made his on arraingements.he wanted to do
every thing he could that would make it easier for us.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
a favorite song,or something that was special to us occurs.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would continue in complete happiness,but i would not be alone.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
for him to die,because we were so happy and so compatible,and i miss
him so much.he was my best friend ,husband and lover.a great loss.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back the clock,i am sure it would be the same,in our life.it
was a wonderful marriage.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
becauce of the longivity of our marriage i realized that some where
along the road of life i had lost my personal idenity.i felt very
empty as if part of me had died with him,that i was right back to
the very beginning,except there was no mom and dad as befor,it was
entirely up to me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the blessing that has been given to us in the installation of hospice
services.the added compassion from medical persons who have been
through and understand what your going through is a great help.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
i thought they were angels that god sent into my life to help
us through.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
our beliefs were not new they had been a big part of our entire
life.what i discovered was i was able to stand on my faith,all was
given to god,placed in his care.
--Religious Affiliation:
methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
if i can not unfold a rosebud,a flower of gods design.then how
can i have the wisdom to unfold this life of mine.god only holds
the answer.
--Regarding MONEY:
because of the terminal illness our savings were just about gone.so
when all was over there was not anything left.i have a serious heart
condition and have become disable,but not once have i feared,god
has provided everything for me and will continue to do so.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that so many young people were there.every young person that my
husband had touched was there,i found that strange because teenagers
don't normally go to funerals.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
i felt my husband there by my side.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i am a nurse so those things i knew.but loss of appetite,loss of
weifgt,withdrawal from decisions at the end
are all signs.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
each person deals with grief in there on way,one step at ata
time,there is no right or wrong way to grieve.what you really need
is for someone to be available to let you talk about your loss.they
all go home after the funeral to a life.
you should never let
anyone tell to get over it,don't let anyone take your grief.also
don't make sudden changes,wait at least a year.you are to confused
to make big decisions.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my father came to get my husband,to hear him talk they were taking
a walk to the pond with the doge,just as they did in life.he was
more than willing to go.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
in 1998,i had a major heart attack,the doctors told my husband
that i would not live.i died and went through a dark space toward
a light,when i reached that light i felt the most consuming amount
of love i have ever experienced in my life.i had a reunion with
my grandparents and my brother.i was given a tour of heaven.the
thing that impressed me the most was the vibrancy of the colors
of the flowers and the trees and the fact that you did not have to
open your mouth to talk .i was taken to a room where i watched my
life,i was astonished that something i considered trival had hurt
someone,and things that i considered important did not matter at
all.i was told i could not stay that i had to return that there was
work there for me to complete.it was not my time to stay.suddenly i
was slammed into my body and i was mad,angry for about two weeks,i
heard my husband crying asking me not to leave him,i was on a
ventalator for another five days,i had had open heart surgery.i
remember nothing about that.the doctors were unwilling to believe
my story,they told me it was oxygen deprevation,but i know i went
to heaven,and it is certainly worth the trip.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
my husband has moved from my past to my future.there are no
unresolved issues.we talked them all through prior to his death.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that you carry your love with you and that it dies.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
the day after my husband died,i saw him pass my room dressed in jeans
and his favorite red plaid shirt,i got up and followed him down
the stairs,he never spoke.when he got to the back door,he turned
and waved goodbye and left,disappeared.
two weeks later,after
worrying about him continually i asked god to please take care of
him.that night i slept for the first time since his death soundly.i
had a dream that would mean something only to me,you see,my husband
was liked the pied piper if he was in the yard every child within
reach was there with him.in my dream he was walking across clouds
and in a line behind him,was 12-15 little angels walking with their
little halos bobbing,my husband looked over his shoulder and said
,'look at me i'm taking care of these little angels.'i have not
had fear for him since.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i have prepared a dnr,and made my family aware of my wishes.i
have even written them down.i have written letteres to my children
telling them not to grieve to rejoice and that i will be waiting
for them in heaven.hold on to no baggage from presumed hurts that
exist in their minds because i carry no hurts,live,love help each
other and their fellow man.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
since i have had a nde,i have no fear of death.i know that when i
die i am going to a better place.my desire is to leave this one a
better place because i was here.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i had kept a journal all of my life.but after my husband died i
began writing poetry.i have written three books,on grief,life,death
and faith,i don't know what i will do with them.but they are how
i have helped my healing.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i continued to write poetry,and i now do some gardening
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes,the care givers and i have continued our friendships,and i have
made some new friends.i also have lost some female friends who are
married.they consider me a threat now that i am a widow.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
trust in god,he knows the reasons.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
people shy away in times of death because they don't know what to
say,i say don't say anything just be there,be available for anything.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
have a outlet to express my feelings,some people think you have
flipped out if you tell them some of the things i have told
you,especially about the dreams and the visitations.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
the thing that defeated me the most was the being left out of
things because i was no longer a couple,and the female reaction to
my being a threat to them and their marriage.
Enhancements: death and dying.com/nde
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Sun Aug 12 10:31:12 2001
F44 in Estes Park, Colorado =US=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 years ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 96.
--Details:
she had "hardening of the arteries" for 15 years and truly
manifested dementia. I miss the grandmother I knew before her
illness, and I really didn't want to see her leave even though she
wasn't herself anymore.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
pretty scarey. When I am with my family and in my hometown death
is not bad at all, but when I'm alone, I am afraid of it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
saw no emotion at all. This was a familial death, but growing up
there were a few deaths of kids due to drug overdose, motorcycle or
car accidents, etc., and these probably had deeper impact on me than
my family. I think my Dad (as a WWII vet with incredible stories)
handles death pretty well, and so losing his mother wasn't too
strange to him. But growing up and losing these friends, that was
strange and still painful.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died, and no one talked
about it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My Dad's acceptance.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to quit dolling it out so much. Death is a part of life, but
speeding it up e.g., the "rat-race" keeps us "shocky" and unable
to absorb death's experience in an appropriate manner.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my Dad's tolerance of it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family and feeling connected and not alone.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
when I lost a pet as a child, my mother's denial/rejection of the
experience and my weakness was pretty weird.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
You are crossing over and your feelings may tell you that you are
alone, but feelings aren't fact. There is some big Spirit-thing
that's with us, and you can afford to trust it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
bring my cat home
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think I lost part of myself when my grandmother died, so I would
have that part back. Its been really hard piecing life together
with the childlike tools I was given, but if she was still here,
and her old pre-sick self, I'd have the old lady that accepted me
completely back.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
and its really not. There is absolutely nothing fair about anything
in this life, and that truly is the way it is.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scared to say it... but die too. It seems there's relief and
release when I hear others like Elizabeth Kubler Ross talk about it.
Its like freedom to accept...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I don't know if it was all a game we played when the grandparents
were alive, or if they're up there and I'll see them again. I kind
of think (today) that its not real, I think Mary and Jesus may
be real, but I'm kinda scared once family is gone, they're gone.
I think my Dad will hang around though.
--Religious Affiliation:
past - Southern Baptist, present Roman Catholic. go figure
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
part of the reason I converted to Catholicism. Vatican II says
there is truth in all religions/cultures, and its insane for the
fundamentalists to assert they've got it and no one else does.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the peace I feel. That's weird -- most talk about how
bad/scarey/sick death is, but I feel real relief/release when I
hear people talk about it. That's why I'm volunteering for hospice
- I don't know if that's depression or ungodly, but I'm kind of
experiencing some joy when I hear my hospice leader and teachers talk
about it. We're kinda of taught to be afraid of it, but although
I'm scared of dying alone, I'm not scared of the concept anymore,
so I can embrace it (that is when I'm in the midst of loved ones.)
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
not there yet. I don't know about this.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have no idea about this, but I really like the idea.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I didn't see anyone from the other side, but something wouldn't let
me go on over. Life has been really hard since the car accident
although I really have much to be grateful for i.e., health, etc.
But emotionally, life has been rather cruel. I think I'm supposed
to get involved in hospice because that's the only thing that seems
to give much relief from this really bad experience/self-pity(?).
Maybe I'm just really hard headed and I wanted to die, but Spirit
said no way. You haven't done anything good yet, and although
you're broken and kinda beyond repair, go home to NM and be glad
you've got a home to go to.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My parish priest referred me to a book called Deep Wounds Deep
Healing by Kraft and its helping to heal the splits I've experience
from the losses and unresolved grief.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I wish you would have talked to me more so that I could let you go
and not be stuck in this hurt place that I keep repeating and that
interferes with relationships. I wished you hadn't drug it out.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I like the rosary, and Catholic mass (eucharist). The
Spirituality and presence does give me strength. After a lot of
intellectualization and experimentation, I think the pagan influence
of the Holy Mother, anointing with oil, etc. that is inherent in
Mexican Catholicism is very nurturing.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I had a close call myself - car accident and even more psychological
trauma since. I came to view death as not such a bad thing.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Thats why I'm volunteering in Hospice. I've got to get out of
myself and the memories. I kinda wish I was free to live where I
want to but there's no real relief in hiding.
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Wed Aug 15 01:15:50 2001
F18 in Ann Arbor, MI =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo entertainment clicking
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Prof/Studies: Fammily Life Ministry student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 63?.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our bodies cease total function and our souls leave
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was really little and had a cold - everytime I smell a cherry Halls
I am reminded of my Grandpa's military funeral
--That first time, how it happened was
my Grandpa died of cancer when I was five years old
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Halls
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I will remember my grandpa as an awesome guy and never have
bad memories of what I have now learned he was like
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
I don't really know
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Mon Aug 13 23:04:58 2001
F20 in kingston, r.i. =usa=
Name: amy
Email: <asooz822=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: college student
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More personal info:
i would like to be posted in the hopes of getting help from others
who have delt or is dealing this a death of a friend.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: passenger in drunk driving accident; Aged: 19.
--Details:
it was our spring weekat college, and everyone was having a
great time before finals. i had gone home with Ravens roomate
for the night. Alicia got woken up by a phone call from the
college informing her of the accident. When i found Alicia crying
hysterically i couldnt believ what happened. i did not cry unitl
i was in the shower before leaving to go back to school. The kid
who was driving was drunk and high and Raven was in the passenger
seat. she was the only one wearing a seatbelt yet the only one who
died. she died on impact....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a horrible thing to deal with, even though u know deep down that
it happens and its Gods plan and we have no control over it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
it was only 3 months ago and this is the first time.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my friend got killed in a drunk driving
accident. her friend was driving drunk and high. we were friends
for only 3 months, but un those 3 months she touched my life in so
many ways.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how so many people came together, people who had never even met
before, to help witht he healing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
she was apart of my life! and that i was the one with alicia when
we found out the news.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking about hte memories with friends. recalling the things raven
said to us, or what she did or said.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
trying to realize she wont be back at school when we go back. that
she is no longer with us, yet she is always in my thoughts its
still not the same..
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
important it is not to get ina car after drinking or with someone
who has been drinking, no matter how many they/you had. accidents
can still happen even when u are only 2 monutes away from school.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
now, why it had to happen, why her, why not the kid driving. why
no one tried hard enough to get her out of that car.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
raven gave us the strengthto laugh and be happy the first time out
at tilly's (bar) after the accident. she pulled a chair up for her,
and drank a heiniken for her, and most importantly had a safe sober
ride home.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
go with alicia to the dorm door to give her her bagle before leaving
for new york. telling her how much i appreciate her actions on
my birthday.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for alicia, raven's roommate/best friend.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think how unfair it is. or just thinking she is not her anymore. or
thinking of how her family is doing.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
if this didnt happen i think people at our school would still
be careless and drink and drive with thinking it cant happen to
them. the scary part o fthis is, it could have happened to anyone
of us. if it didnt happen to raven, it would have happened to
someone else.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
plain and simple, its just not fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die too. sometimes i want to just rip my skin off to get the feeling
out of me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
it still seem snreal to me, and i wonder if it ever will seem real.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
it was hard for me to go bakc to church, in fear of crying and
once i did i was affraid of looking to the center of the isle,
to see her coffin, that was not there.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there was so many people there. i recall hearing from a friend
that when raven was in the hopsital a while before, no one came to
visit. it was nice to see so many people there. also to meet her
parents and sisters....
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
thinkin its not real
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the first year without her. going back to school, holidays,
birthdays, and spring week..
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
ravena nd i never had a misunderstanding or argument. but anoither
thing that was weird is she resolved most of her issues the night
before the day of her death.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would tell her how special she made me feel on my birthday. How
she helped me stand up for myself to theother group of girls.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
for me raven visited me in a dream the night of her birthday. she
didnt look the same but i knew it was her. other people from
school were in the dream and i had asked them if they see her. i
remember asking her what she is doing back here. i cant rememebr
what she said but i feel like she was leting me know that she is
ok and that place really isnt that bad. her sister had a dream of
raven before her prom that she was hesitat to go to. raven told her
int he dream to go. so she went and wore the same dress rave wore.
when pictures were develpoed from the prom, there were pictures of
ravens prom with her in the same dress. how weird...
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
definately. i became closer to those i was already friends with
that were friends with her, and became friends with so many people
that i didnt really know.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
thinking she will not be at school when we get back in aug will be
so hard.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i really want to get research and talk to schools about drining
and driving.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was good, for the time being.
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Mon Aug 13 14:45:10 2001
F28 in Las Vegas, NV =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 56.
--Details:
extremely sudden.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life as we know it on this Earth. If you have a spiritual
belief system, it is the graduation in to another form and another
life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was actually about 20 and it was a friend of the family's funeral -
the first one I ever went to.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my mother weas diagnosed suddenly with stage
IV lung cancer and died a month later.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the differences in which we all handle death.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to accept it! It happens to us all. We need to integrate it in to
our daily lives, cause it is going to happen!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I formed a closer relationship to other family memebers. My mother's
death also brought me to my profession.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My relationship with God.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing her in pain.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to touch and love the person - they are still there!
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
took gifts and lessons from it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the doctors were all saying different things and I could see
her dying.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
life goes on. she was dying, we were not.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there more, make mom more comfortable.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there during her death.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
some people's reactions. Those my mother touched in her life came
out to support us and her.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
to me, the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I need my mom. I think of her every day. I cry when I need to, and
I am not ashamed. I will never get over this loss, it has become
a part of me as she was.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it would be sooo different. I wouldn't have the appreciationf or
life or mom that i do now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why are fat, unhealthy people still living when my mom took care
of herself.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
hurt again.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Disgust. Wish I would have known about hospice. If they had been
honest she coud have been comfortable/
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I got closer to God.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting. There is a life! Isaw her go!
--Regarding MONEY:
None
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It seemed like an exaggeration of bad taste.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the funeral
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Change in breathing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It comes and goes - all stages do not occur systematically.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I saw her go. She became at rest, peaceful and calm, warm and with
a glow.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
No
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I talked openly with her enough before her death
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would be comforted to hear her - but I think I am fairly sure
that she is well and comfortable, happy
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
No
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
MY wishes! My mother wanted one thing, but my dad did another.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I htink about it lots. I hope I can handle it well for those
around me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I go places we used to go together and mourn her out loud! I say
you should be here in the middle of the mall!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I appreciate life, relationships. I try to not take things so
seriously, I try to treasue every day
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I find that my path to hospice was forged by her death
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
Other family memeber's inability to cope
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I just talked. I have never stopped talking about her.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was cathartic
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Sun Aug 12 21:19:57 2001
F21 in Harrisburg, PA =USA=
Name: Megan Flurie
Email: <mflurie=at=dynamicdesigner.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: E-support- Earthlink Inc.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Severe complications of diabetes; Aged: 52.
--Details:
In and out of hospitals with heart problems and strokes and
everything. He came home from hospital one day, that night he died.
4 days later on his birthday we buried him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Leaving of the coporeal body and never returning
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Avoided people and food.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my grandfather.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I didn't cry until 2 years later, after we closed the casket.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It isn't something that needs to be avoided, instead cherished.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It brings those that were close to the desceased closer together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My series of councillors
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing I wouldn't have them around to talk to anymore.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Say things while you have the chance. DO NOT avoid the person,
no matter how much it hurts to be around.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Sometimes if you close your eyes and listen really hard, even though
you know they are gone, you can still hear the advice he may have
given when alive.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Not much to confused about.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wouldn't have avoided him as much that night.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
See him before the corners got to the house.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Being able to choose a basket of flowers from funeral.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
People and relatives coming to the house.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I might still be in a four year collage. I also may never had
ended up in a physicological unit for 2 weeks.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
my dad was a strong Christian yet he died so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Quite frankly die...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
broke down for 3 days and didn't eat or sleep.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
We just don't have enough science, nor do we test for the right
things.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They were nice, but it was weird having all the people in and out
of house.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
God killed the one who loved him.
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Ominous
--Regarding MONEY:
It was harder to get by. I was going off to collage and mom was
stuck paying off big bills.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Everybody is too contrisending.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Eyes rolling back...coldness of person.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
There was none, but then again he died in his sleep and we were
all asleep.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I didn't have any.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you and I'm sorry I hid away so much that night. I was just
scared because I knew I was going to loose you.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My father tends to give advice to me when I needed it.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The only wish I have is NO viewing. I don't want people staring
at me as a cold slab of meat laying in a container while they cry
over me.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I've tried to commit suicide a few times. I don't mind the thought
of dying soon, I'm quite frankly ready for it when it happens.
Outside I may be young...inside I feel like I'm 90...90 is too old
to worry about dieing.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
None. Closing the casket just stopped my grieving.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My mom, sister and I are closer
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
All the adults crying
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It hurt, but at least I got through it this time.
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Sun Aug 12 11:40:41 2001
F54 in hilton, ny =usa=
Name: linda chaffee
Email: <mimigirl14468=at=yahoo,com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
search engines
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Prof/Studies: nurse
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More personal info:
i haave had a fourth heart attack since my husband died,i stand on
my faith and trust in god.he has provided for my every need.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
heaven,encounters of the god kind
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
jesse duplantis
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 1yr ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 54.
--Details:
my husband had liver cancer,suffered terribly.six monthe of terrible
pain and bleeding.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
cessation of physcial existence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was three years old.it was my favorite uncle.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my favorite uncle was killed in a car
accident,i was three.i remember seeing him as a angel,the night he
died.he told me he was ok,that he would be fine,and that he would
always love me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how my family tried to leave me out because of my age.i was not
allowed to attend my uncles funeral.i was very angry at them.children
understand death more than adults think.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
as much a part of life,as living each day to its fullest.we fear
death.the unknow properities distress most people.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my uncle ,eventho he had died took the time to make sure i understood
and would be ok.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
during my husbands illness i kept a daily journal.i was able to
put all of my feelings on paper,and after he died i had something
tangible to hold onto when there seemed to be nothing.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
i was no longer someones wife,i no longer had that close person to
listen to me and to hold me when i needed it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
allow your loved one to voice their fears and make as many plans for
you as they are able to do.my husband planned his own funeral with
us,he also told my family and friend that if the time ever came that
i wished to remarry that it was ok,with him,he would consider it a
compliment to him.so talk,let them talk about whatever they need to.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
i was able to give him the very best care,the last thing i could
ever do for him.i was able to live and share the last moments of
his life.most of all he left knowing that he was totally loved.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the first hour after he died and i realized that for the first time
in 32yrs that i was totally alone and on my own,and if i fell on
my face there would be no one there to pick me up.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
stress produces strange reactions and laughter or crying helps
release that stress.for me i found so much on my mind that i was
a scatterbrain,i could not remember anything.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
i do wish that instead of working,i had spent more of that time
with him,however in reality one of us had to work,and he could not.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
to be by his side for the last three weeks every moment until he was
gone.we shared the finishing part of his life together just as we had
in our marriage together,this experience brought our family closer
together.he settled so many things for the children and for me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my husband had not eaten for three weeks and two days before he
died he asked me to go to wendys and get him some chili.i went
but i complained the entire time thinking that this was taking
valuable time away from us and that he would not be able to eat
it,he ate the whole thing,his last meal and did not get sick,so i
was grateful that i went .
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
most people do not discuss the impending death,we discussed every
part continually,he even made his on arraingements.he wanted to do
every thing he could that would make it easier for us.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
a favorite song,or something that was special to us occurs.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would continue in complete happiness,but i would not be alone.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
for him to die,because we were so happy and so compatible,and i miss
him so much.he was my best friend ,husband and lover.a great loss.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back the clock,i am sure it would be the same,in our life.it
was a wonderful marriage.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
becauce of the longivity of our marriage i realized that some where
along the road of life i had lost my personal idenity.i felt very
empty as if part of me had died with him,that i was right back to
the very beginning,except there was no mom and dad as befor,it was
entirely up to me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the blessing that has been given to us in the installation of hospice
services.the added compassion from medical persons who have been
through and understand what your going through is a great help.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
i thought they were angels that god sent into my life to help
us through.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
our beliefs were not new they had been a big part of our entire
life.what i discovered was i was able to stand on my faith,all was
given to god,placed in his care.
--Religious Affiliation:
methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
if i can not unfold a rosebud,a flower of gods design.then how
can i have the wisdom to unfold this life of mine.god only holds
the answer.
--Regarding MONEY:
because of the terminal illness our savings were just about gone.so
when all was over there was not anything left.i have a serious heart
condition and have become disable,but not once have i feared,god
has provided everything for me and will continue to do so.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that so many young people were there.every young person that my
husband had touched was there,i found that strange because teenagers
don't normally go to funerals.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
i felt my husband there by my side.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i am a nurse so those things i knew.but loss of appetite,loss of
weifgt,withdrawal from decisions at the end
are all signs.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
each person deals with grief in there on way,one step at ata
time,there is no right or wrong way to grieve.what you really need
is for someone to be available to let you talk about your loss.they
all go home after the funeral to a life.
you should never let
anyone tell to get over it,don't let anyone take your grief.also
don't make sudden changes,wait at least a year.you are to confused
to make big decisions.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my father came to get my husband,to hear him talk they were taking
a walk to the pond with the doge,just as they did in life.he was
more than willing to go.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
in 1998,i had a major heart attack,the doctors told my husband
that i would not live.i died and went through a dark space toward
a light,when i reached that light i felt the most consuming amount
of love i have ever experienced in my life.i had a reunion with
my grandparents and my brother.i was given a tour of heaven.the
thing that impressed me the most was the vibrancy of the colors
of the flowers and the trees and the fact that you did not have to
open your mouth to talk .i was taken to a room where i watched my
life,i was astonished that something i considered trival had hurt
someone,and things that i considered important did not matter at
all.i was told i could not stay that i had to return that there was
work there for me to complete.it was not my time to stay.suddenly i
was slammed into my body and i was mad,angry for about two weeks,i
heard my husband crying asking me not to leave him,i was on a
ventalator for another five days,i had had open heart surgery.i
remember nothing about that.the doctors were unwilling to believe
my story,they told me it was oxygen deprevation,but i know i went
to heaven,and it is certainly worth the trip.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
my husband has moved from my past to my future.there are no
unresolved issues.we talked them all through prior to his death.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that you carry your love with you and that it dies.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
the day after my husband died,i saw him pass my room dressed in jeans
and his favorite red plaid shirt,i got up and followed him down
the stairs,he never spoke.when he got to the back door,he turned
and waved goodbye and left,disappeared.
two weeks later,after
worrying about him continually i asked god to please take care of
him.that night i slept for the first time since his death soundly.i
had a dream that would mean something only to me,you see,my husband
was liked the pied piper if he was in the yard every child within
reach was there with him.in my dream he was walking across clouds
and in a line behind him,was 12-15 little angels walking with their
little halos bobbing,my husband looked over his shoulder and said
,'look at me i'm taking care of these little angels.'i have not
had fear for him since.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i have prepared a dnr,and made my family aware of my wishes.i
have even written them down.i have written letteres to my children
telling them not to grieve to rejoice and that i will be waiting
for them in heaven.hold on to no baggage from presumed hurts that
exist in their minds because i carry no hurts,live,love help each
other and their fellow man.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
since i have had a nde,i have no fear of death.i know that when i
die i am going to a better place.my desire is to leave this one a
better place because i was here.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i had kept a journal all of my life.but after my husband died i
began writing poetry.i have written three books,on grief,life,death
and faith,i don't know what i will do with them.but they are how
i have helped my healing.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i continued to write poetry,and i now do some gardening
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes,the care givers and i have continued our friendships,and i have
made some new friends.i also have lost some female friends who are
married.they consider me a threat now that i am a widow.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
trust in god,he knows the reasons.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
people shy away in times of death because they don't know what to
say,i say don't say anything just be there,be available for anything.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
have a outlet to express my feelings,some people think you have
flipped out if you tell them some of the things i have told
you,especially about the dreams and the visitations.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
the thing that defeated me the most was the being left out of
things because i was no longer a couple,and the female reaction to
my being a threat to them and their marriage.
Enhancements: death and dying.com/nde
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Sun Aug 12 10:31:12 2001
F44 in Estes Park, Colorado =US=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 years ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 96.
--Details:
she had "hardening of the arteries" for 15 years and truly
manifested dementia. I miss the grandmother I knew before her
illness, and I really didn't want to see her leave even though she
wasn't herself anymore.
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--Death Is:
pretty scarey. When I am with my family and in my hometown death
is not bad at all, but when I'm alone, I am afraid of it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
saw no emotion at all. This was a familial death, but growing up
there were a few deaths of kids due to drug overdose, motorcycle or
car accidents, etc., and these probably had deeper impact on me than
my family. I think my Dad (as a WWII vet with incredible stories)
handles death pretty well, and so losing his mother wasn't too
strange to him. But growing up and losing these friends, that was
strange and still painful.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died, and no one talked
about it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My Dad's acceptance.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to quit dolling it out so much. Death is a part of life, but
speeding it up e.g., the "rat-race" keeps us "shocky" and unable
to absorb death's experience in an appropriate manner.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my Dad's tolerance of it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family and feeling connected and not alone.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
when I lost a pet as a child, my mother's denial/rejection of the
experience and my weakness was pretty weird.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
You are crossing over and your feelings may tell you that you are
alone, but feelings aren't fact. There is some big Spirit-thing
that's with us, and you can afford to trust it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
bring my cat home
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think I lost part of myself when my grandmother died, so I would
have that part back. Its been really hard piecing life together
with the childlike tools I was given, but if she was still here,
and her old pre-sick self, I'd have the old lady that accepted me
completely back.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
and its really not. There is absolutely nothing fair about anything
in this life, and that truly is the way it is.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scared to say it... but die too. It seems there's relief and
release when I hear others like Elizabeth Kubler Ross talk about it.
Its like freedom to accept...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I don't know if it was all a game we played when the grandparents
were alive, or if they're up there and I'll see them again. I kind
of think (today) that its not real, I think Mary and Jesus may
be real, but I'm kinda scared once family is gone, they're gone.
I think my Dad will hang around though.
--Religious Affiliation:
past - Southern Baptist, present Roman Catholic. go figure
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
part of the reason I converted to Catholicism. Vatican II says
there is truth in all religions/cultures, and its insane for the
fundamentalists to assert they've got it and no one else does.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the peace I feel. That's weird -- most talk about how
bad/scarey/sick death is, but I feel real relief/release when I
hear people talk about it. That's why I'm volunteering for hospice
- I don't know if that's depression or ungodly, but I'm kind of
experiencing some joy when I hear my hospice leader and teachers talk
about it. We're kinda of taught to be afraid of it, but although
I'm scared of dying alone, I'm not scared of the concept anymore,
so I can embrace it (that is when I'm in the midst of loved ones.)
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
not there yet. I don't know about this.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have no idea about this, but I really like the idea.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I didn't see anyone from the other side, but something wouldn't let
me go on over. Life has been really hard since the car accident
although I really have much to be grateful for i.e., health, etc.
But emotionally, life has been rather cruel. I think I'm supposed
to get involved in hospice because that's the only thing that seems
to give much relief from this really bad experience/self-pity(?).
Maybe I'm just really hard headed and I wanted to die, but Spirit
said no way. You haven't done anything good yet, and although
you're broken and kinda beyond repair, go home to NM and be glad
you've got a home to go to.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My parish priest referred me to a book called Deep Wounds Deep
Healing by Kraft and its helping to heal the splits I've experience
from the losses and unresolved grief.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I wish you would have talked to me more so that I could let you go
and not be stuck in this hurt place that I keep repeating and that
interferes with relationships. I wished you hadn't drug it out.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I like the rosary, and Catholic mass (eucharist). The
Spirituality and presence does give me strength. After a lot of
intellectualization and experimentation, I think the pagan influence
of the Holy Mother, anointing with oil, etc. that is inherent in
Mexican Catholicism is very nurturing.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I had a close call myself - car accident and even more psychological
trauma since. I came to view death as not such a bad thing.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Thats why I'm volunteering in Hospice. I've got to get out of
myself and the memories. I kinda wish I was free to live where I
want to but there's no real relief in hiding.
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Sat Aug 11 13:45:14 2001
F20 in , =Greece=
Name: Maya
Email: <maya_gita=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I was searching info on the tibetian book of dead and this web site
was included to the search results.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Journeys out of the body
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Robert Monroe
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, one month ago.
Cause of Death: heart ceased functioning; Aged: 92.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an event which is misunderstood and ill perceived by most of people
due to fear and ignorance. It is generally believed that death is the
end of life and existence. People dont like to think of death and
think mostly that they will live for ever on this earth. However,
death is a fact which has to be understood and accepted. According
to my personal experience death is only an inevitable parting
from the physical body for the soul to continue its "educational"
journey through the timeless universe.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didnt know how to behave to my relatives and generally how to
react. My eastern philosophical background had prepared me for death
yet I am living in a society rules by different thoughts than me
so I had to think a lot about what must I feel.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was the death of my grandmother.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that people were very sad and crying which was for me very difficult
to accept and understand. I was feeling like a stranger not being
like them. I didnt know how to talk to them and kept quiet in order
not to hurt anyones feelings with my "theories" about death. It was
astonishing to see a dead body for the first time. But I knew that
it was nothing than a body without any vital energy or soul in it.
--What I think my (Greece) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that one needs to make research and learn about things which create
fear and ignorance such as death. Our society prefers to deny
thinking on death and thus denies thinking about birth...denies
thinking about life. The coin of existence has 2 sides: physical
life and physical death. People should start thinking more about
their existence and should prepare for death... Preparation for it
is a process which consists on practical research and experiments
on leaving the physical body and returning to it back at will.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that it brought me faxe to face with the fact of death and also
that it showed me how superficial people are in their emotional
expressions, since they forget all about it soon.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own personal experiments with leaving the body and returning to
it at will and my philosophical background.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the grief of the relatives
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
The saddest part of death was for me not death itself but the
grief of the relatives. I know that life after death exists and I
was happy that my grandmother left her old body to receive a new
and better one. I wish I could make every person in the funeral
understand that there is no reason to cry and feel grief. Thus,
it was difficult to remain unaffected by the atmoshere created
by the thoughts of the people in the church. The most hilarious
thing though was that as soon as we left the church it was all
forgotten...people just continue their lives the same way as if no
death took place. Why do they have to cry anyway then ? ? ?
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Wed Aug 8 02:50:13 2001
F20 in parsippany, NJ =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: on disability, persuing career in psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 1/2 years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 75.
--Details:
he was the kind of man who just tried to deal with everything
himself, so he never went to the doctor unless it was ABSOLUTELY
neccessary. So one day he got sick with a flu like virus, and
he thought he wouls just get over it like he had before, but he
didn't. Eventually it started getting worse and worse, and after a
couple of weeks we said "you should definetely see a doctor" but he
wouldn't hear of it. These symptoms persisted for over a month and
despite our urges he still refused to see a doctor. Then eventually
it got so bad that he couldn't keep any food or water down, so he was
forced to go to a hospital or he would have died. Within a few hours
we were informed that he had severe colon cancer, and within days we
were also informed after extensive tests that the cancer had already
spread throughout his entire body and there was nothing they could do
to save him. he spent the next 4 months in the hospital, bedridden,
on oxygen, frighteningly pale and thin, and barely able to talk or
even move at all. It was horrifying to see him like that, when only
about 8 months earlier he was in full health celebrating his 75th
birthday. and then one day, he died. it was unbelievable. i never
thought my healthy, fun loving, grandpa would ever die. but he did.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an end to all life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't feel anything because i didn't really know the man or much
about death
--That first time, how it happened was
when i was about 5, i was playing with my friend outside my house. my
friend's grandfather was talking to my grandfather, and all of a
sudden he just collapsed. I didn't know what happened and neither
did my friend. But we saw the ambulance come and take him away,
and then a few hours later i heard that he had died. i know know
it was severe cardiac arrest, but i didn't know what that meant
at the time, so i believe my parents just told me "his heart just
stopped because he was very old and that's why he died "
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
going downstairs where he lived with us my whole life, and seeing
all of his stuff still there. most of it is still there. his books
and tapes, and cooking utensils ( he loved to cook. he used to
always cook us italian food and bring it up to us) and especially
his pictures of the family, and me, and my brother all around. it
still effects me now. there is a mug down in the kitchen that says
"Very Special Grandpa" that i gave him when i was a little girl,
and it always makes me cry.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
i am an atheist and most people are not so i wish society would
not make deaths into pomp and circumstance with all these wakes
and funerals and memorials and all that nonsense because all it
does in make things worse.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it made me appreciate what i lost
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
just being on my own crying or telling funny stories i remember
about the person
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
realizing i would never be able to do all the things i did with
them ever again
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned that you should never take anything for granted because
you never know when you with lose it forever.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
he seemed to be in perfect health and i thought he would still be
arounf when i was old. And then this illness just came out of the
blue, and within months, he was gone. he never even got to see me
turn 18 or graduate high school.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
sometimes people are too scared to express sorrow, or they are just
not able to so they just react with laughter to take the place of
the sadness. it's an alternate release and it's perfectly natural
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him how much i really loved him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have such a great grandfather in my life
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandpa was already so sick he was delirious, and could barely
speak coherent senetences, but my mother told me that day he died
(i wasn't there) he asked her if i was okay because he remembered
that i had been suffering from severe depression since i was 15. it
brings tears every time i think of it. i will never forget that.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the wake an the funeral and all of that stuff that comes after
the death.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my grandpa asking about me before he died, remembering the selfless
and fun things he did for memy whole life, going through his
checkbook and seeing that he spent three quarters of his social
security money donating to charities, and little things like the
pictures and the mug downstairs.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i have no idea
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why was somebody who was so fun loving, and selfless and so loved
by eveyone who knew him taken away too soon?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring him back
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt such guilt because i didn't feel i ever expressed how much i
loved him, and such sadness because he had been such a part of my
life since i was born.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
i had no contact with the medical community personally. All i know
is they did all they could.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I had no personal contact.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
none of my family are religious at all. but he was. religion meant
a lot to my grandpa. he went to church every sunday, and was always
donating to the local church's charities for children and people
with diseases etc.. but he NEVER let his religious beliefs interfere
with anyone else's life, which i respected greatly. He knew we were
all atheists, he knew his son was gay, but he accepted EVERYONE the
way they were. That is the only reason i went to the wake and church
memorial service. just out of respect for his way of life. he always
respected the way i chose to live so i wanted to return the favor.
--Religious Affiliation:
atheist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we are all human, and we all have to deal with death. we all have
our own ways. but we all know death at some point.
--Regarding MONEY:
he hardly had any money left for his hospital care, casket and
funeral expenses etc., because he had donated so much to charity,
so we were not really left with much. but i will never forget the
fact that he told my mom to give me 600 dollars that he had saved
up so i could fix the broken air conditioner in my 87 buick as an
advanced birthday present because he knew i could not make it through
the summer without an air conditioner in my car, and he didn't need
it anymore. that was another thing that really touched me.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
holding my mom at the church service while she was crying
hysterically after the priest asked her to pour holy water on the
casket, just before it was taken out of the church and into the
hearse to go to the cemetary.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
i didn't really feel the sadness till months after the death
occurred. i guess i kinda still felt like he was in the hospital
and he would get better any day and come home.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
if you see that a person is becoming seriously ill but will not go
to a doctor, let them know how much you care about them and want
them to be treated because would miss them so much if they were gone.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i don't ahve advice to give
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he thought he saw his dead brothers in the room and my grandmother
who had died a year before, in the days before he died.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i think i have resolved my issues
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would tell him all about my life since he died, and how much i
miss having him around, doing all the things he did with me before.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
it has never happened to me, and anyone else who says it has happened
to them, i don't believe.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
for many years i haven't been sure whether i wanted to live or
die so it's confusing. the thing i'm most afraid of is aging,
and leading an unhappy pointless life
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i don't believe in talking to the dead, but just talking to my
grandfather as if he were in front of me and getting all my feeling
and things i wanted to say out in the open, made me feel better.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no, my grandpa was not a very sociable man. he only had a few friends
that weren't family members, and they were just older neighbors i
never even talked to, and people at his church which i never go to.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
No one even knows I have such strong feelings about this death. i
have pretty much kept it to myself.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me think about the death and cry.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
what is it that affects you most about the loss of this person?
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Tue Aug 7 19:35:11 2001
F24 in Toledo, Ohio =Lucas=
Name: Renee
Email: <Reneeleady=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
Prof/Studies: Pre-Med
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 57.
--Details:
A two year battle with stomach cancer and ended with colon cancer.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When the body no longer is breathing and the heart has stopped
beating a person is considered deceased. Some religons believe if
the person was a good person the death is a good thing because they
go to a better place.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Remembered that person in the events that involved me. A way to
check my memory to assure myself I would not forget them.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandfather of age related illness.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The immediate family was all in the room when my grandmother died. We
held each other and said our good-bye's and helped move her body
to the stretcher. We had a glass of her favorite wine after she
left to the funeral home and began making the necassary phone calls.
--What I think my (Lucas) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I think we deal with death very well because we were raised to take
care of our family until death. Closeness is the key to dealing
with death. If the relationship was good there is less regrets and
what-if's. Death was also talked about freely. What one wants for
themselves when they die was always okay to discuss.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was at my grandmother's side when she died and smelled the
fragrence of potchouli shorty after she died. It was a great feeling
to see her go so peacefully.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My 3 year old son helped. He just knew she had wings and could fly
in the clouds and that was a happy place. He also liked to hear
stories about her from when I was little.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That they will never be on the other end of the phone or at the
front door.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Tt he family sitting together and talking about happy memories or
discussing the days events with the dying person in the room. It
seemed to make my grandmother remember how to laugh at us.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Got great comfort from having alone time with her and telling her
all the feelings I was having.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The gurgling noise she made when she was breathing. It was explained
to me, by a hospice nurse, it was normal in the stage she was in
and it didn't bother her at all.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was a way to stop crying for a moment to gather myself. I wanted
a break from crying.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have one last conversation on the phone.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Read a ulige
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
When you could not feel the pulse in her feet anymore and we were
told it was only moments before she would die. Her last inhale and
exhale were so calm and easy I was relieved.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Someone asks to hear about what kind of person she was or what
caused her death.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I wanted my son to know her for a few more years and see me get
married and graduate from medical school.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Cried a lot.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
It was wonderful they were a great help and very supportive.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
She was going to Heaven.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
It was definitely something that could be sensed.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
my parents thought I was too young to deal with a funeral.
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Tue Aug 7 19:03:50 2001
F50 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin =USA=
Name: Nancy Porte
Email: <NancyPorte=at=aol.com >
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
I'd read the book, Final Gifts, and when I did a search I found
your site through one of the memorials.
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Prof/Studies: Elementary Reading Specialist
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Undertakings, Final Gifts
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Thomas Lynch Maggie Callanan & Patricia Kelley
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 20 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: still birth; Aged: 6th month of pregnancy.
--Details:
I carried her for 5 days between the day I found out she'd died
and the day labor was induced. It was and still is the most
difficult time in my life.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a person's life on this earth ends. We know death has
occurred when the heart stops beating and will not start again
through natural or artificial means.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't quite understand what was going on. My maternal grandmother,
Nonny, died when I was barely six. I don't have any memories of her.
It wasn't until later, when I was 8 or 9 and my friends spoke of
their grandmothers, that I cried about not really knowing what it
was like to have a grandmother. (My father's mother died when he
was 12.)
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I had just turned six years old. My maternal
grandmother died. I was too young to realize she was dying of
cancer. I remember my mother coming into my room early in the
morning, waking me up, holding me, and breaking into tears as she
told me Nonny had died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mother coming into my room early in the morning, waking me up,
and breaking into tears as she told me my grandmother had died.
I wasn't sure what was expected of me, was frightened by the sight
of my mother crying, and didn't quite understand what was going on.
I also remember the day of the funeral. My brother and I, for some
reason, did not go to the funeral. I remember, when my parents and
my grandfather came home, taking a walk with my grandfather and my
younger brother and passing my school. I'd stayed home with a baby
sitter that day and wondered what my friends were doing.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to deal with it. The two books I recommended above are my
"bibles" when it comes to how I'd like to be able to deal with
dying and death. We need to learn not only about dealing with
Death, but also about dealing with aging and dying. I wish more
families would live in multi-generational homes as we did years ago,
when the dying were cared for at home. We also need to learn that
grieving friends need to be consoled not just in the days and weeks
following a death, but also throughout that first year.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
A social worker was assigned to me when I came into the hospital
to have labor induced. My doctors had been hoping I would go into
labor naturally when we realized the baby had died. But perhaps I
wanted this baby so badly that part of me couldn't believe it and I
unconsciously willed my body to hold on. My (now ex-) husband and
my mother had not wanted me to see the baby. However the social
worker was wonderful and explained that my seeing the baby was
very important if this is what I wanted. My only regret is that
I didn't ask to hold her. . .
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I really didn't get any support. I don't think people understand
the deep grieving over a miscarriage or stillbirth. (Although the
baby died in utero, the hospital listed the result of the labor as
a stillbirth). Some people told me it was God's will. Others said
there was probably something wrong with the fetus. (Although later
gentic reports said there was nothing wrong.) My mother insisted
I join a family dinner less than a month later at which my cousin
and his wife had their newborn child. My husband shut down. It was
extremely difficult. ***I am adding this after having finished the
whole questionnaire. I remember my principal asked me to come into
his office when I returned to the school where I taught. He told
me that he and his wife had had a still-born child. Although they
now had 3 grown sons and several grandchildren, he and his wife
still had a quiet dinner together every year on the date of what
would have been their child's birthday. In telling me this he was
the one person, although I may not have realized it at the time,
who validated my grief and gave me permission to mourn as long as
I needed to. One of my third-grade students wrote me a note that
simply said, "When you're really sad you can pretend that I am your
daughter." I never thanked her for that because I was afraid of
crying as I did so. But I've never forgotten her message either.
If I ever see her someday, I will.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not having people acknowledge the significance of this death for me.
--[My Daughter's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I'm not really sure that I learned "so much." What I did learn
was that I really couldn't hold it against those people who didn't
seem to understand and validate my grief. I did learn that when a
someone I know goes through a miscarriage or stillbirth I am sure
to send a card and/or call and let the person know I understand
how serious a loss this is.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I thought maybe others were right. That I was grieving too much
over this death, that I should just forget and get on with things.
I was ashamed of my inability to do this.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
This doesn't fit with my experience.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hold the baby.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I really can't respond to this.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
a friend or colleague starts talking about a daughter who is the same
age my daughter would have been. And of course, every anniversary
of the day she was delivered is terrible difficult.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
The past 20 years would have been totally different. The difference
between being a mother. . . .and not being one.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I haven't thought of fairness in a long time. For years I thought
"It's just not fair when there are people who have children and
abuse them--sometimes to the point of killing them--when my baby
died and I was unable to have other chidren.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
For two years afterward I though often of suicide. Especially upon
finding I could never have children. Finally I realized I didn't
want to die--I just wanted to stop so desperately sad. 20 years
later it's not difficult--still there are flashes of that desperate
sadness. Now that I'm near 50 I'm resigned to not having children.
For years I knew that the sadness was compounded by my not being
able to have children. Now when I'm sad--it's for that one child
I carried for six months.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn't stop crying. I couldn't be in the same room with babies,
had to pass up several baby showers, and couldn't bear to even look
at another pregnant woman.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratefulness that the hospital had the wisdom to offer the services
of a social worker.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I'm Jewish. I was in a Catholic hospital. While my parents offered
to have the baby buried in their cemetery plot (in a neighboring
state), I knew I wouldn't have the emotional strenth to take care of
the logistics. I was told that because the hospital was Catholic
the baby woud be buried in an unmarked grave in a cemetary where
other stillborn babies and fetuses were. This was a comfort to me.
--Religious Affiliation:
Jewish
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I'm not sure what you mean. I do believe that our soul continues
in some way after death.
--Regarding MONEY:
There were no issues here.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the feeling, up until the baby emerged, that maybe she'd be born
alive, that the doctor had simply made a terrible mistake.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I believe that the dying should always have the right to a
do-not-resussitate request. I am really not sure where I stand
on assisted suicide. I am only sure that, unless I have to deal
with a person who wants help in dying, I won't know where I stand.
Although I do lean toward honoring the request of those people in
their right minds for whom all quality of life is gone. I more or
less trust humanity not to slide down the slippery slope to which
some fear legalizing assisted suicide will lead us.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm more accepting of my own death, I think, than most people.
Once one has seen death as an end to emotional pain, it ceases
to be something awful. I often considered suicide as a teenager
for reasons I'd rather not go into here. Again--once one has
seen death as a friend, death can never again seem like an enemy.
I hope I die quickly--or I hope I die of a terminal illness--being
kept physically comfortable, of course--and have that time to say
good-bye to those I love and cherish.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
It wasn't so much a ritual. I started talking to my baby--in
my mind. I believe she will be one of those I recognize when I
die--or am close to death. I've told her how glad I was I carried
her--even for those few months. And I have asked her to forgive
me for not holding her body. . .
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still talk to her occasionally--in my mind--believing somehow
she listens.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
As I've grown older, I've come to my have my own beliefs about death.
However, both my parents are still living.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
The one death I've never been able to cope with is losing a daughter
in my sixth month of pregnancy. I was not able to have more
children. Only one or two people really understand that 20 years
later I still cry each year on the date she was delivered stillborn.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
The best thing someone could have done for me was to let me talk
and cry, to allow me the intensity of my grief, to tell me what I
was feeling was natural, and NOT to say anything about God's will,
a defective fetus, or the possiblity of having other children.
I have done this for others.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
The sadness was awakened again. But not the tears. I realize it
took me at least 5 years to realize that my sadness will always
be there, but that, all in all, it no longer consumes my life.
I've always been privately proud of myself for having the strength
to go through this alone and come to the point where I can truly
say I'm happy with my life.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Please add "unborn baby" to your list of choice when reporting
whose death a person is writing about. It is a grief many people
share and a loss that many people don't know how to acknowledge.
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Tue Aug 7 08:08:45 2001
F50 in , ==
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 1 ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
confusing and immense sadness and loneliness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in shock
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that everyone was surprised and fumbling around not knowing where
or what or when, confusion
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how we as humans understand what death is
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it has given me a different approach to everything in my life I am
different in some way, not so invincible
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
prayers
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling of total desperation lasting way too long at times
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
it helps them and you, we need each other all living creatures
need care
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was dedicated to him
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i found out it was imminent
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was vents of relief needed when we would go out and talk and
hve a little humor so true
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
give them better accommodations as they passed
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
no fdomm34n5
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
they had visions and told you about them
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
at any moment they come up in my mind
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
not much. a little friendlier toward each other
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i just don't understand
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
forget
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
did not understand
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
dismay
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
open to more communication and understanding of the process would
be helpful
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right
--Regarding MONEY:
na
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how all the people really do care
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
body bag
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
dying person is agonizing and not peaceful
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it is long sad times of lonely thought and trying to come to a
understanding and peace of ones own mind about the death
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she met someone at night in her room who was big and nice it was
a woman who asked her what she was afraid of and she answered that
she was afraid she was going to die.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Aug 6 09:36:58 2001
Anonymous Guest
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather passed away when i was five
and it was because of natural causes, but i was very sad for a
few days because he was like a kid to me, he would get down on the
floor and actually play games with me like he was a kid too.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
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Sun Aug 5 19:11:32 2001
M27 in Toledo, OH =United States=
Name: A. Graham
Email: <Casturcare=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Prof/Studies: Physical Therapy
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Holy Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 54.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
ceasing to exist, physically. It is inevitable for everyone.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and did not fully understand it.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my mother's grandmother. She was in her nineties when
she died. I realized she was gone and was sad, but probably didn't
really understand the fullness of the situation.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how long and drawn out it was. It was extremely stressful and
painful to see a loved one, especially your father, gradually weaken
and suffer.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how important it is to love the people in your life that are
still here.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Support of immediate family, friends, other relatives, but mostly
from God through His Word (Bible).
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Seeing him and other family members go through the pain. No longer
being able to be with or talk to him.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
(I don't understand the question)
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
can continue living life after this tragic event.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend more time with him in the last year. I never thought he would
actually die until about 3 weeks before it happened when the doctor
said there was nothing more they could do.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be actively involved in my father's care the last weeks and be off
of work during that time.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Certain reminders like dates, times of the year, people involved
brings back memories about that time. The memories seem so vivid.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone.
I hopefully have learned to appreciate the people in my life that
are still here.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why would my father have to lose his life so young?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
transport back in time before it happened and do something to
prevent it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
regreted not doing more when he was alive.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I believe his surgery bought him more time. I think he would
have died sooner without the help of medicine. On the other hand,
the drugs decreased his quality of life the last year.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
It was very good because he was allowed to die at home in his
comfortable, familiar surroundings. It also helped our family
so that we were there all of the time and not going up to the
hospital daily.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
People make up the church. They were very suportive, like sending
meals, running errands, and just being there for prayer and support.
--Religious Affiliation:
Born-again Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I believe that all of us have souls that will live on past this
life on earth, but the question is where will you spend it?
Spirit these days is a "catch-all" phrase for many religions.
Many believe that it does not matter what you believe in, as long as
you experience some spirituality. There are many false gods such as
"mother earth," Ala, Buddha, or other evil spirits such as Satan.
I believe that there is only one true God, maker of Heaven and
Earth, who sent His son Jesus Christ to die for all of our sins.
Belief in this is the only way to spend eternity in Heaven with him.
--Regarding MONEY:
My dad did prepare ahead of time with a life insurance policy,
along with his retirement money, social security, etc... Hospice is
funded by donations, so the main expense was his funeral.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How many people's lives he actually touched. Some we never even
knew about. Many came from his past before I was even born.
It was a testimony for his life.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Rejoicing in the fact that I knew he was with God, in a place where
suffering no longer exists. I could no longer be sad for him.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Lack of appetite, irritation, comments of how death was approaching,
excessive sleep, extreme atrophy of all major muscles. Labored
breathing was very prominent the night he died.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I remember my dad having halucinations of family members from
his past. I don't think he actually saw them, but they were
probably memories floating around in his subconscious that somehow
were triggered.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think I would be closer to him as an adult than I was as a child.
Back then he was a parent, trying to discipline and teach me,
but as an adult, I think I really could have known him better.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I did have a chance to tell him how thankful I was for having him
as a father and how good of a job he did. We always knew that he
loved us. I felt good being to say that to him.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have had dreams about my father, but he has never visited me in
this way.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't want to be hooked up to life-sustaining machines. On the
other hand, I don't believe that a person should be able to be put
to death voluntarily.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think most people feel they will live until a very old age, but
now I know that it's not always the case. I think I would be more
involved in other's lives knowing that my time was short.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
It helps to remember him before he was sick, when he was strong
and vibrant. Those were the years I remember him best, not when
he was in his weakened state.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
At first you think that normal life will never again be achieved,
but it does. I don't think it's a bad thing, but my life would
probably not be different if he was still here today, except that
I would be able to interact with him.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I did not make any new permanent friendships. In fact, some old
ones seemed to dissipate after that.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
God's comfort. Family support.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Many people are uncomfortable in these situations, but it is only
the simple things that make a big difference. Just having people
around to talk to can be comforting. It's also nice when people
offer to help with other responsiblities so that you can concentrate
on your loved one.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Well, it has definitely stirred up many memories since it happened,
but that's ok. Memories are all you have left after the loved one
has passed. Going through something like this makes you realize
that life really is temporary and it should motivate you to make
the best out of it while you're here.
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Sun Aug 5 17:54:25 2001
F18 in Brooklyn, NY =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
went to search for questionaires thats all...
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Prof/Studies: umemployed
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 yr and 9 mths ago.
Cause of Death: my grandfather/heart problems; Aged: 80.
--Details:
My grandmother was abused most her life by my grandfather and when
she was bed ridden he still abused her she became bed ridden BECAUSE
of him choking her hitting her beating her..he killed her!!!!!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the process which when your body expires, and you are no longing
existing, however you are still living because the energy of your
soul will move on.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was enraged, pissed, depressed, angry, violent, self mutilated....
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother died...and it was because of my grandfather; you try
dealing with that
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my rage
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
a process which is naturl. Everyone body expires
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My grandmothers energy has given me the strength to pursue a career
in fashion/
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my sister telling me that I did nothing to helkp my grandmother and
she all acts like she misses her and she did everything for her and
she knows what its like to feel the pain of abuse when she has no
fuckin clue what its like.She was the one who did nothing HER!
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
learn to accept the fact you will be dying
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to ..I learned nothin Im still mad!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was never confused
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Death is funny depending on who dies
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
save my grandmother
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
nothin im not thankful for her death or having to deal with it I
cant even go to her damn grave because i cant understand why the
fuck she had to die and not my grandfather
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
nothin
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
nothin
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
um ok
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
if it hadnt happened then it would have happened later on
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it is fair and im mad
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
cut myself
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
always acknowledged death
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the medical community did shit
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
um
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Oh please fuckin religion can kiss my ass....at least organized
religion they dont care about anyone....The Goddess however did
help me in spiritual paths of the situation
--Religious Affiliation:
Wicca
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i agree with the statement given the spirit or ball of energy as
i like to call it moves on to the astral plane
--Regarding MONEY:
I hate money!
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
no one cared....they all talked about shit..fuckin italian families
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I should be dead
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
so many.....
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
umm ok
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
umm ok
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
umm ok
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
umm ok
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
umm ok
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
umm ok
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
umm ok
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
umm ok
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
umm ok
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
umm ok
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
umm ok
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Rage
Death is there if you are not ready to deal with it then what else
can you do?
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
umm ok
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
umm ok
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
umm ok
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Aug 5 11:53:33 2001
F62 in Brunswick, New York =Rennselaer=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
attempting to research care of the dying
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 and a half years ago.
Cause of Death: complications of surgery; Aged: 87.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a part of life that we all experience at one time or another
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I did not really understand its meaning
--That first time, how it happened was
My Uncle was killed in a car accident, I was a young child and my
cousins stayed with us during the waking and funeral services
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Not understanding what happened. It was very secret and others
wispered and discussed this horrible terrible event
--What I think my (Rennselaer) culture needs to better learn about death is:
They should introduce young children to the fact that this is all
part of lifes process
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My family had a strong family bond
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being around my family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Realizing that I could never speak or touch them again, it was a
very final experience one that left me wishing I had done so much
more for that person.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Tell them how you care and how much you love them. Try to make
their dying as comfortable as possible.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realized the importance of loving and caring for those close to you.
Life is a short visit and I realize now that I could have spent so
much more quality time with those I love.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My love ones took their last breath
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I have not experienced that emotion
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell them how much I loved them, be kinder and more understanding
of their needs and accept everyone for what and who they are.
Again to be able to share quality time with them and make those
times happy and full of love
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be with my family
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
When the process of death ended it was so simple yet something I
could not fully understand. It was over and a life was gone like
a blink of the eye. Here and gone in seconds
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Who should we call .....did you call this one did you call that one.
To me very insignificant
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
another person I know dies and I then question what is it all about
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be using every poosible moment trying to spend happy loving
times together. That I know is not possible because we all cannot
live in total harmony.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
they were too young, why does God make us suffer. What is it all
about anyhow
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Block it all out of my mind. Just not think of it, and if I did
think of it be able to cope with a understanding about what is it
all about.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became very depressed, I cried all the time and felt my own mortality
come into view. I could not come to grips with the fact that I
could never again have contact with that person. I used prayer
and faith to get me through the ordeal and that just lasted for a
short period of time. I still have moments when its all so unreal
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
We need to look at our medical community and make changes in the
care and capibility used in this profession
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They are there for the family and are able to give emotional support
to them
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a reminder of our religious beliefs and the strength that it is
able to provide us with
--Religious Affiliation:
Presbyterian and convert to Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that there is a maker of our universe a God or a Greater Spirit to
guide us
--Regarding MONEY:
it was not important
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The undertaker was more concerned about the weather than our concerns
with the burial. It was a snowy day and he just tried and tried to
convince us that we did not have to go to the cemetery. We insisted
and it was beautiful the cemetery looked like a fairy land.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I had walked down the hall to get the nurse and decided I had to
go back. My son said grams breathing changed and I went over to
her and put my hand on her shoulder and said Mommy, Mommy. She sat
right up and stared right at me with her bright blue eyes and laid
back and after a few seconds took her last breath
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
and expiratory grunt, eyes that are not quite shut and lack of
response to verbal stimulation
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
faith in God to give you strength, being with loved ones help the
process of greiving
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have never witnessed any of this process
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Nver had a near death experience nor has anyone I've known
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no issues of guilt only issues of what more I could have
done for others
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
My conversation would include one of how much I loved that person
and apologizing for the times I was unfair or impatient. I would
thank them for who they are and relate to them how special they
were in my life.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I've never experienced this, however have to admit I've always
wished and prayed for a little visit from love ones
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
A living will and written request that your wishes are fullfilled
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would reluctantly accept that news, however I would try to be
a better Christian and hope and pray that the years I spent on
this earth were beneficial to those I left behind. I would want
my children to remember the good and not the bad and I would want
them to not to mourn as I think I have had a fullfilled life
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have never been able to get to the point of complete closure.
Its usually the old saying that time heals all. It seems to be a
point where you have accepted the passing of that person
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I look at nature and the beauty of my surroundings to cope. I know
in my heart that after all my questions as to what is it all about
that this wonderful life had a creator much more powerful then
anything or anyone. This could not have stared by a a big bang
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Have not felt any of those emotions
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Was too young to realize the overall meaning of death
I din't think anything hindered my dealing with death, I just
remember it being part of life
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Be ther when they needed you
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
The questinnaire was a good tool for looking into your soul.
It gave me a chance to speculate on my own mortality and to think
of what I should have done with those I loved. It made me think
how little time I've given to the important things in life and that
we all must experience death.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
At the beginning of your questionnaire youasked about your first
experience with death. Maybe I would have answered the questions
in a different way had you asked : What was the most significant
death that you were involved with? My first experience with death
was a person that I was not that close to, had it been my first
significant death it would have been the death of my first son.
He was a crib death and a much closer emotional experience. I hope
I didn't missread the question.
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Sun Aug 5 10:31:28 2001
F19 in Toleo, Ohio =U.S.A.=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Prof/Studies: Burgess
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 40.
--Details:
no
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--Death Is:
something that all humans experience,and sometimes do not understand.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not understand
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My Dad was diagnosed with cancer,he suffered
for about a year 1/2 and died. He was also a minister.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my own behavior, and how it dramatically changed
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it has made me a stronger person,emotionally.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I reievedsupport from family as well as friends, but I still do
not understand.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Was the fact that that I will never see my farther again.
Sometimes
it still hurts.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just make sure that you let them know that you love them, and you
are hurting physically as well as emotionally along with them.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Have learned from my experience, and how it has made me a stronger
person. Also, this experience and training has helped me succeed
and reach my goals.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Was the fact that my family, we are very religious bound.
My father was a minister. How if our Lord loved us so much, why
would something as terrible as a suffering death happen to such
a religious oriented family.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Sorry, I was a daddy's girl.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
risefrom the situation.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I do
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be a bit more emotionally understanding to others and
their feelings. My life would feel more complete.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that this has to happen to us.(the family)
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk to him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Thet did the best they could do.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
He did not need one, it all happened to sudden.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
EVERYTHING!
--Religious Affiliation:
Right now I am a bit confused. But I my denomination is still
christianity,Baptist.
--Regarding MONEY:
it did'nt
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
My realization that he was really gone.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
gettingover by passage of time
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
did not experience one. still waiting.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
If I were to question my father, knowing he would have an answer,
I would be totally satisfied.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Consider the fact that you ;oved one is suffering even with all
the medication.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I feel if it is my time, than it is just that time to happen
so
let it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I still pray,I ask the Lord to help me understand. And I still
talk to my father as though he is listening.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I talk to my boyfriend about everything.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionnaire just reminded me that I have some issues with
God that I need to take care of.
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Sun Aug 5 09:12:52 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 weeks ago ago.
Cause of Death: septecemia, dead bowel; Aged: 78.
--Details:
there was nothing they could do. we had to take him off the
respirator that he was placed on the evening of his admission.
we waited for him to die. he died 5 hrs. later from kidney failure
his heart was still strong. it was horrible.
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--Death Is:
it depends on the relationship of the decease. the death of a
parent appears to be the most traumatic loss, it is so final,
it is very painful to the living.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasa child.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was.. my grandfather died when i was 12. i was
not real close, but he was a part of our life. my father's father.
the viewing i can remember seeing him in the coffin and crying
excessively.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the disbelief, the thought of the suffering he experienced and the
fear i know he must of had. he wasn't ready to die.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
should be more acknowleged by society, esp. the workplace.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i was there
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
too early yet
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my husband is not acknowleging my grief and pain.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt sad and lonely now.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Sat Aug 4 09:05:08 2001
M28 in chicago, il =us=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo search
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Prof/Studies: Student Finance Advisor
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Mastery of Love
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Carlos Castaneda, Don Miguel Ruiz
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of CoWorker, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: murder; Aged: 35.
--Details:
Newly wed husband was on drugs and stealing from her (my co-worker).
They got into a physical confrontation and and he hit her over teh
head with a frying pan and left her to die in the kitchen floor.
She was found dead the next day by his parents and she died just 6
hours before she was found. By the way, he called work teh next
day to report that she was feeling ill and would not be in work
that day, well that was because she was dead on the floor as he
was making that call.
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--Death Is:
an inevitable event that happens to everyone and evevrybody deals
with it differently.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked but very curious.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My 23 year old cousin died in an automobile
accident. His parents lived in Mexico, so we had to make all/most
of teh funeral arrangements and have his body flown back to Mexico.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how evrybody in attendance of the funeral pulled together and
supported one another.
--What I think my (us) culture needs to better learn about death is:
there may be life after death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a black crow landing next during my thoughts of a friends death,
and I seen it as I sign from beyond.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there was no difference of color of the skin.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Strong family support
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
There was no hindering of dealing with death.
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Thu Aug 2 14:50:47 2001
F21 in Toledo, Ohio =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
teacher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: alchole; Aged: 43.
--Details:
it was a bad situation that my grandmother can't seem to deal with
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--Death Is:
when the person is taken out of this world and may go to after life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
looked at it as there time to go and that it was ok and things were
going to be alright
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...related to alcohol
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how it brought out familey together and now we seem to have a better
sence if love and kindness to eachother
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death is not bad and that we all have to not loook at itin a
bad way
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
talking about it and knowing that god had a plan for what was going
to happen
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
it was unexpected and sudden
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Thu Aug 2 13:50:18 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, half a year ago.
Cause of Death: suicide (drowned in bathtub); Aged: 40 something.
--Details:
We didn't know each other well but she wrote about me in her journal.
I thought she was beautiful.
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--Death Is:
the irreversable stillness; perminent loss of heartbeet.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was happy to comfort my mother.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather died. I wasn't very involved. I hardly knew him.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how pretty she was.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
when to prevent it and when to accept it. There's no totally
right answer.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how proud I felt to be close to someone dead.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
having some stability.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
being told by my mother that I'd gain compassion.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
didn't actually learn anything.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
people were crying.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I feel more human because of whats hapenned.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
make sure that Anne and Caroline didn't kill themselves.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
comfort people sort of.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
regretted not getting to know the people.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I usually can't comprehend death.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
Long distance relatonships can be like death simulations.
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Thu Aug 2 08:35:26 2001
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
This is part of a writing assignment for a lifespan develpment
psychology class.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 years ago.
Cause of Death: burst aneurism; Aged: 81.
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--Death Is:
The end of our life on Earth and the beginning of our new life
in Heaven.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was really young and did not understand what death was until I was
at the funeral and saw the body.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandmother passed away because of
natural causes.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how cold the body felt to touch.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
death shouldn't always be said to be awful, for everyone, who
believes, there will be a wonderful after life
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it sometimes can bring people closer together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
God, family, and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that he was really gone
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
pray
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am able to realize that he had a full life and is now in heaven
where we will meet again.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
how some people suffer for so long
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there for my grandfather when he passed away.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
prayed and asked for help in understanding why.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
Church, family, and friends
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Wed Aug 1 10:56:14 2001
F15 in Holland, Michigan =United States=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Volunteer at Hospital
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Teacher, 2 years ago.
Cause of Death: enlarged heart; Aged: 33.
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--Death Is:
when a person passes on to another place. Like heaven and they
live there for eternity and only come back in sprit.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was when I was about 8-9 it was my aunt and all I remember is seeing
her bady in the casket
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My 7th grade teacher went swimming at his
parents house and came up on shore and asked for help. He collasped
and stopped breathing, he died on the way to the hospital. I was
camping at the time, ut was summer so I figured nothing would
happen. By the time I got back into town the furnal had already
ended and I found out by the message on my answering machine.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The pain and all the crying I tried to avoid but just couldn't.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it takes people a long time to get over it even though they
act like they are over it they aren't.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It brought me closer to God and showed me it wasn't the persons
fault it was just his time to go.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My youth group and how they let me cry when I needed to.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Was that tehy were gone and that I couldn't feel there love or get
hugs all I cold do was remember the apst.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
It finally hit that my teacher was gone and never comign back
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say I was sorry for ahting him when he was being mean and when
I misbehaved
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
finally let myself cry
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I finally accepted the death
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear his name and remember teh way he would teach us
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
and that it's not fair that his family must suffer and that he must
be goen it just isn't fair
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
escape and forget all about it and move on
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I didn't ever go but I wished I had
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that I was able to finally know that truth and understand why he
was taken
--Religious Affiliation:
Methodist
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how angry I got and people and even myself
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
It is liek a dream that you never want to end
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still do all teh same things only with a little more passion
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
At first I just stopped living then I forget about then it came
back and that is when the tears flowed
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes it helped me alot
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See Jul 01 contributions.
See Jun 01 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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