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See Current contributions.
See Aug 00 contributions.
See Jul 00 contributions.
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Thu Sep 28 22:19:03 2000
F43 in Montgomery, Alabama =USA=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: drunk driver; Aged: 35.
--Details:
She was sitting in her car at the light and a drunk driver with a
suspended permit, ran a red light and crossed the median. Killing
her and seriously injuring her friend.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like a slow motion movie.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
a child.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...accident of a neighbor.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
shock and disbelife.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
you never know when it's going to happen.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My sister knew how much she was loved.Tell your family you love
them and never walk away angry.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
How much closer my family has become.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that the drunk is out of jail, with his family,and my sister
is gone forever.
--[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Families can move on, it's hard but, you know that your family
member will be with you in your heart.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my older sister called during surgey, be cause you know if they
make it , they will never be the same.She was is in Maryland,
and I was in Alabama.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk to her one more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Remain close to her children, she was divorced and the children had
spent the weekend with their father and his new wife of two weeks.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
holidays,birthdays or a song on the radio
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
would talk about her daughter just going off to college last month,
and the fact that my daughter will be going next year.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it should have been the other driver.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
had to drive to my parents house to tell them that their baby was
in surgey, and they did not think she would make it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
peace.She did not suffer.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
The minister that preformed her funeral service was the same one
who had married her, in the same church.
--Religious Affiliation:
baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
there is only one God, called by many names
--Regarding MONEY:
Her children will be taken care of as far as money is concerned. They
will never have their mother again.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The church was filled with the people she loved and they loved her.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Why is it the good people that are living right are the first to go.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel fine because I know always treated her right and I do the
same for her children.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Living Will
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I doin't want to linger, I'm a organ donor and I want to be cremated.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Closer with my other siblings.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I started spending more time with my parents. Since my younger
sister is gone, and I'm the only child living in the same state
with them I guess I'll have to take care of them.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Reflective.
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Wed Sep 27 23:44:53 2000
F31 in Redding, California =USA=
Name: Tammy
Email: <Tammy3l=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Email Message ]
Prof/Studies: Homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 1 ago.
Cause of Death: Massive Heart attack; Aged: 49.
--Details:
All I know, is it was a horrifying experience..Not only had I never
in my life dealt with death, but then I had to find my best friend
whom I loved dearly dead on the floor on his stomach. There was so
much disbelief that he really could be dead.. I banged on him for so
long hoping he would wake up.. I wish I could have said goodbye and
spent more time with him before he went. I wish I hadnt made jokes
with his sister after his death about lies he had told. I wish I
could go down the hallway and not be scared and get a panic attack
out of fear he will appear in front of me and condemn me for the
things I talked to his sister about.I wish I knew if he suffered
before he died in those last moments. I wish I could see him but
I hate being scared that I might someday.
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--Death Is:
A time in your life when your body in one way or another has given
out and you die.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
freaked! panicked!! I dont ever want to go through it again.. I
felt sick to my stomach..
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My best friend who had been living with my
husband and I for 14 years had cancer. But, he suddenly died of a
massive heart attack and we found him dead on the floor in his room.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The fears I developed from it. Like not being able to go to his room
or sleep in my room..I have slept on our couch now for a year. I
think it irritates people that I have these fears but I cant help it.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That death is final!!! It hurts so bad and the pain just never
goes away..It settles down and it lessens but it is there
everyday. Nothing lasts forever..
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I am grateful to have had him for a friend..I am grateful that
hopefully (As the paramedics said) he died quickly, and he didnt
have to endure the final stages of cancer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My husband and my mom were the most support. My husband was there
also..He was actually the one who found him and it hit him as hard
as it hit me. My mother was a great support because she really
understands me and my pain and tries to help even when I must get
irritating after a while..
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Losing him!!! Never being able to see him anymore.. Wishing I did
more for him. And seeing him dead was quite horrifying..That was
the scariest part for me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Well, like I said, even though he had a heart attack, he was dying
from cancer.. That was hard to watch..He had to have chemo and
radiation and was on these pills to help him eat but they didnt
work, and he was on a morphine drip and was hooked up to an oxygen
tank and when we went anywhere , he had to be wheelchaired. I am so
glad that we were able to be there with him everyday..There isnt
anything I would take back, except for on his final day, i wish I
hadnt taken a nap and then I may have heard him fall or been able
to help him..I dont know.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Nothing positive at all..
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first found him on the floor, not knowing if he was alive, even
though he was purple.. Wondering if I should give him mouth to mouth,
but too scared to at the same time..I felt horrible for that. And
wondering what they were going to do with him after they took him
away, but they explained it all very well to me..It was scary..
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never felt the urge to laugh at all.. I remember it all very well
when the cops came...I remember them asking me questions and I just
couldnt think or focus.. I remember my neighbor asked me where my
trash can was and I was so disoriented I couldnt even remember. I
remember hyperventilating. I couldnt stop crying hysterically. I
remember them having some preacher guy come over to talk to us right
after they took him away and wishing he would just leave me alone..
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with him the day he died. Tell him I loved him
more. And this is so hard for me to say, but even though he had
all those problems I listed above from his cancer, I still didnt
believe that he was really sick and I thought he was making it up
and I will never forgive myself for that..Never !!!!
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
There is absolutely not one thing I can think of that was positive.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
We went to go see him at the funeral parlor and he looked very
well..I expected him to look worse.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I cant think of anything
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I never think I will get over it..I cry almost everyday.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I have thought about him still being alive, but then I pretty much
immediately dismiss it because of all the pain he was in.. I just
hope if there is a heaven, he went there and that God forgave him
for all he ever did.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
All I know is I am now petrified of death.. I am so scared of
it..It haunts me.. I cant say its not fair because I know he isnt
in pain anymore.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Forget about it.. At least for a couple days. I wish the fear of
dying would go away.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I dont think it took me anytime at all to deal with his death
because we found him dead.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I think the medical community did all they could for him.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They were all very nice people.. Very patient with him at the end
when he got extremely grumpy.
--Religious Affiliation:
not much
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I dont like to think about that because then I think of ghosts and
being haunted.
--Regarding MONEY:
Money was never an issue
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was angry at his sister for being angry at him after his
death.. but I guess I was angry too.. I was mad that his sister
didnt help more financially with it since she was his only living
relative.. We had to pay 1000 dollars and he was cremated. She took
his ashes with her and I wish we could have kept them.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
When we went to go see him at the parlor.He was lying on a hospital
bed type thing and I went up to touch him which i was scared to
do..I dont know why..But I remember touching him, and I shocked him
from the static electricity off my feet!!! That was horrifying!!!!
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I am sorry, but I dont care how many signs you have, it still doesnt
help prepare for someones death.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
He visited my neighbor after he died.. She said she was lying in
bed..This was about 14 days after he died. And she felt something
behind her and turned over and he was standing there. he told her
that he couldnt come over here because I was too scared (Which she
didnt know) and asked if he could stay with her for a day..I was
surprised that she wasnt scared of him..She said he was wearing the
same thing he had on the day he died..And that he looked the same
but that he had kind of a see through appearence but not really if
that makes sense..
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I would like to tell him that I am sorry for joking with his sister
about his lying..That has caused me incredible guilt. He used to
always say that he would be forgotten after he died. I wish there
was a way I knew if he knows that that is so untrue..
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell him over and over how sorry I am for the things I said
about him after he died,..But I dont know if he would forgive me..I
would hug him and tell him I love him and that I never stop thinking
about him.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My friend asked me to kill him if it got too bad or he became a
vegetable.. I would have gone to prison if I had to , to end his
life for him if he wanted.. Luckily I didnt have to.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
No !! I dont want to either!!! If he could die, that means I can
die..I dont want to think about that..I dont want to cause anyone
the pain he caused me by his death..
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I havent been able to, so I dont know..The only thing I can say,
is that it hurts less as the months go by but it never goes away.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have just gotten worst, like I said with my fears and phobias.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
None
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I havent been able to deal with his death.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
I know this sounds stupid, but he had been sick since I knew him. I
just never believed he could die or anyone..I also found out from
his sister after he died that there were some lies he told and after
he died we sometimes laughed about the lies and I feel terrible
for it , like I have betrayed him..I am so scared he will haunt me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I dont know if it was really useful.. But it was insightful,
I suppose.. It is kind of long.. I guess what is frustrating is
I want everyone to feel my pain, to know what i feel so they can
help me get over this but I just dont think that is possible.
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Wed Sep 27 11:18:56 2000
F20 in athens, =greece=
Name: lena
Email: <lena985=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i was searching for psychological tests
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Prof/Studies: psychology
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
i haven t read any book about death and dying
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4years ago.
Cause of Death: aging; Aged: 93.
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--Death Is:
the passing from life and action to a deep,peaceful sleep
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was socked
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died.i had never been to a
funeral before.my parents avoided to take me with them in funerals.it
was the first time that i lost somebody whom i loved so much...
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the sadness of my father
--What I think my (greece) culture needs to better learn about death is:
when somebody is dead does not care about the funeral and all
these things
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that human nature is very strong even in front of death
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
support from family,going for long walks
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the view of my loved one still and cold
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell him that you love him and you ll never forget him
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
felt
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i saw the customs that my religion has for death
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i dont know
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with her
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be her grandchild
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
they put sheets over the mirrors
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
i don know
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see some photos
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i dont know .i can not imagine
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i want her back
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
feel extremely anxious
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
the problems of everyday life make you forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
sometimes fear of the death
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Wed Sep 27 08:00:49 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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wrote in pre death awareness and your site came up. one of many
others
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
we are not forgotten, many others in my thanatology library
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
many among them sandra bertman, earl grollman
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, yrs 8 ago.
Cause of Death: 3 mi's in one day; Aged: 41.
--Details:
It was very sudden. he had never been sick nor did he have pain
during the heart attacks. We had lost 2 children 4 years before.
my son was only 11 and loved his dad so much, as did I. even now
i think of him every day. my son is just beginning to deal with
it all. it has been very hard and painfull, but a true growth and
learning experience.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
your spirit or essance leaving the body and moving on to a different
plane. it is a freeing of your being to move beyond what we can
see and understand on this level. part of our journey.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
when my husband and i lost our twins he was my strength, when he
died i had such a need to learn about the process that took him
and where it took him to. that is when i began my death studies.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my great grandmother died. we all went to
the calling hours at the funeral home and went to the funeral mass
and cemetary.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the utter loss and fear the feeling that nothing in life would ever
be right again
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not an ending of the person, just a different place.
your relationship does not end, it just becomes different.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
as my husband was leaving his body he spoke to me. his parents had
"come" for him and he saw where he was going to and that he was
not afaraid.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
making sure that my son was ok and would be all right
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loneliness. not having him to share things with any more.
silly things like carring in the groceries or going shopping alone.
we had always done things together. knowing that i would not feel
(physically) him any more.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen to what they are saying to you. ask them questions and
LISTEN. they are leaving behind a message they are telling you
something that is important to know. listen and try to understand
that they are leaving behind a very special gift.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
people do not die alone. loved ones, important ones from thier
past come for them and if you listen and pay attention you may be
priviliged enough to see and understand
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i focused on me, what i had lost how i had to change. the
unbelieveable responsibility of rasing a child alone. whay had
this happened to him?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was a realease. it just felt good maybe tears just were
not enough
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
nothing. i truly believe that life for some unknown reason is
exactly as it should be.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
go on. grow. gain perspective
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i witnessed my husband leave his body it was a gift that i carry
eith me and feel that it got me through the grief
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
getting rid of his things, of his presence i still don't understand
that
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i smell a cigar or hear some piece of music, or just feel him when
my son needs him as my son grows and achieves things in his life
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would not have gone back to school. not attained a bs or ma or
be working for more education. i became certified in thanatology.
i always thought that we would grow old together. now i know we
will be together again later when my time here is over. i know
that he will come for me.and i won't be afaraid
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why me? but i guess nobody ever said that life would always be fair.
it is just life
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hold his hand
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
i lost time sometimes. i was so overwhelmed that i cannot remember
hours and days at a time. weeks after the funeral i had to say
goodbye. i knew that i had to let go of him. it was like hitting
a brick wall.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
in medical school the only succesfull ending is cure. nut they
should be taught that a good death can also be a success. they will
not fail to help if they realize that they can be a great help to
the family if they help and are a presence at the end. both myself
and his doctor had to deal with loss the day he died. it would
have been a comfort had he shared it wioth me.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not much. the priest was not helpfull. my beliefe in God and my
own spiritual beliefs were very helpfull.
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that from all faiths there is one God. religions are man made
not perfect. we are all one family we all want the same things
there are no colors in the spirit only love
--Regarding MONEY:
i had been a stay at home mom with no college education. we had
no money i had to become tha breadwinner. i went to college and
grad school money is still a problem
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my not remembering a lot of it.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the way i learned and came to embrace the leaving of this place
and the dying process.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the visits from loved ones that have already gone on, the visions
of places only they are privey to
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
if you listen and pay attention you will be given a gift and an
insight into what is really happening
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i was a witness to it. i saw it and felt it. i call this pre
death awareness. the dying person is being greated and shown where
they are going. it is a final gift given to those left behind
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
we always talked about everything. every day we told each other
that we loved each other i am lucky
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
only that he would come for me when it was my time it gives me
great comfort
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
two days before my husband died he was at work in his office, his
father ( died six years before) came to him. when he told me this
i asked what he had wanted. my husband said that he didn't knoe .
he got up and walked out of the office. he said he knew that
he was there to tell him something that he did not want to know.
two days later he had his three mi's. i know what he wanted to
tell him. my son at three years old told his father and i that a
woman with blonde hair was singing to him and telling him that she
loved him and would always be with him. he later saw a picture
of my mother in law (died therr years before he was born) at my
brother in laws house and told us that she was the blonds lady.
actually he said the lady with the yellow hair.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i don't want to be kept alaive. i would want my son to do what
he needed to do for himself at the time. his needs would be more
important to me than mine. when he was ready to let me go he would
this is something that we have discussed. he knows how i feel
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
dying is a part of life. i have been given a gift of knowing what
will happen. i will be with my husband and children ands wait for
our son and his future family to join us
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talking to him. praying or talking to God about him and helping
us keeping a journal
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i always share with him our son's accomplishments. sometimes i
find myself almost hearing what he wants to say to me and our son
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes. it is as though he sends people to help when it is needed
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
This was only the first death that affected me. later I had to
deal with more profound losses and began my intrest in the dying
process and death.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
I was not hindered, i just never thought about it.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i went to college and at the same time became certified as
a thanatoligest. i run a bereavement center and am an invited
speaker to talk about death and dying
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was very useful i am doing a research proposal on the pre
death experence. i found it to be most helpfull
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Tue Sep 26 22:03:15 2000
F21 in vienna, virginia =usa=
Name: karen
Email: <kwallace=at=vt.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: international development and political science (undergrad)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Self (impending), 1 ago.
Cause of Death: bulimia and uncontrolled bi-polar illness; Aged: 20.
--Details:
in the event, i nearly died, or at least thought i was going to
die to the point where i began to be able to accept death, if not
as a better alternative, then as a reality.
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--Death Is:
when the brain stops functioning, thus all organs stop working,
thus we stop "existing" as we were.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not accept it through disbelief, than a gradual understanding
with the accompaning grief and pain and deep sorrow, then a slow
softening in my heart for the being where a space opens up so that
they always stay with me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was the death of my bunny, which was ate
up by my doggy.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the way everyones hearts were grey.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is real-and it will happen to ourself someday, so in that respect
we need to learn to open our eyes and see the beauty that is in
life and take each moment for what it is and not how we would want
it to be.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It woke me up.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
introspective reality
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
coming to grips with my own inconsequential and fleeting existance.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to listen and not direct how you dealt with it on them unless they
ask because everyone has their own way of dealing with things and
we just need to be careful and conscious about that.
--[My Self (impending)'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
gave myself the space and time i needed to sort things and my life
out in light of the situation before me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i did not see that i had a future.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
the laughter freed a part of me that was screaming inside, not
insanity, but release of many internal tensions built up by the
external pressures.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have had the experience already so that i could be there more for
others instead of dwelling in my own self-pity.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get myself out the depression.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i noticed the difference in peoples dealing with the situation
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the flowers and cards
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
answered this earlier
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Sat Sep 23 10:46:54 2000
M30 in Cleveland, Ohio =USA=
Name: Angel Zimmerman
Email: <angelbug1970=at=netzero.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: driving drunk; Aged: 21.
--Details:
he was dead within minutes of the crash. The boy who was with him
survived after being unconcious for a month
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when life stops
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt awkward, didn't know what to say to make someone feel better
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father's mother died when I was 10. She
drank too much and her liver failed.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
ladybugs. They were everywhere after the funeral and they would
appear, seemingly out of nowhere, when I needed a sign from my
brother, that there was more, that he could still hear me, that he
didn't just disappear.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it can come anytime. Life is to be savored, before it's too late.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it gave me appreciation for life, for the birds and the sun, little
things i forgot about
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mom and sister
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the realization, the eventual acceptance
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
became stronger
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my mom called me and said my brother had been in a car accident and
that he had died. I just saw him 9 days earlier for the first time
in 3 years. I thought it was impossible for him him to be dead when
I had just seen him. I thought my mom was mistaken or lying. I was
angry with her for "getting the information wrong"
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
me, my mom and my sister were standing by the open casket at the end
of thw wake saying goodbye. We all agreed that the makeup was awful-
too dark and you couldn't see his freckles. So we started wiping it
off with our wet tissues and when the skin started showing through,
it was black. There was a split second of mortification, then we
just laughed, thinking of what he would say and do right then. We
thought"leave it to us to try to help and then mess it up" We tried
using our own makeup to fix it and only made it worse. Everyone at
the wake was probably horrified at us standing there laughing at
the casket.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know my brother as the man he had become
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get to know my brother, the man, through his friends.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
his friends all told us how he impacted their lives
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that he wore a denim shirt and levi's jeans, not the traditional suit
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i come acroos acts of human kindness, done from the heart
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I'd hope he'd have kids and all our kids would play together
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he still had his whole life ahead of him,
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have total peace and accept every bad thing as i do the good
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sobbed, then walked around like a zombie for days, still absorbing
the finality of it all
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
cynicism
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
it gave my mom strength, i felt like an atheist, i felt like
there was no god. I believed that things happen for a reason,
karmic lessons
--Religious Affiliation:
past- Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
wrong. each death is different
--Regarding MONEY:
my step-dad payed for the funeral- the only thing he every bought
my brother, none of us wanted anything from him, but he was the
only one who had the money and we figured he owed him
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone there loved him
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the introspection in the months to follow
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that he was okay and there was nothing to fear or regret
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i had a dream 4 months after he died where i was looking in the
medicine cabinet mirror, and as i was turning from the mirror, I
caught a glipse of what appeared to be my brother in the mirror. Then
i realized it was only me and that it couldn't be him because he
was dead
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i want to see my kids grow up, i want to be the one to raise them. I
don't want to become someone's memory, i want to be a part of life. i
have a lot yet to learn. I don't want to devastate somebody's life
by dying the way my brother did to us
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
setting up an"altar" pictures, candles, angels
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
to me, she was old, and old people die, so it wasn't hard to accept
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
my father took it hard and drank and fought with his family
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Fri Sep 22 11:01:17 2000
F18 in Fort Wayne, IN =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 76.
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--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was four years old and didn't really understand what was going on.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandfather had a heart attack and died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the way my family all came together for support.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the closeness it brought to my family
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
thinking things through on my own.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing that person, and wishing they were there to see what was
going on after their death. an example would be the death of my
grandmother, who died four months before my nephew was born, and
i wish she had been able to see him before she died.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
at my grandmother's funeral, when my family and i were still capable
of talking normally and even laughing about some things.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my grandmother the day she died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell my grandmother i loved her before she died.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
fell apart emotionally.
--Religious Affiliation:
Unitarian-Universalist
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone was sad, but so happy to have known my grandmother and to
remember her because she was such a wonderful woman.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
once the funeral was over, my life continued normally for the most
part. there were subtle differences, but overall my day to day life
remained the same.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i had no unresolved issues. my grandmother knew i loved her and i
knew she loved me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i have never experienced anything paranormal, but one thing that
was interesting happened the night my grandmother died. my parents
were at the hospital taking care of arrangements, but i wanted to
go to school the next day to be with my friends so i spent the
night at a friend's house so i wouldn't be alone. i went to bed
much later than usual and still had to get up early, yet somehow,
when i woke up, i felt totally refreshed and renewed; it was the
best sleep i've ever experienced. and i do kind of believe that my
grandmother gave me that wonderful sleep because she knew i needed
the rest to prepare me for dealing with all my emotions.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was a useful experience that helped me remember some things i
had not thought about in a long time.
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Fri Sep 22 08:34:30 2000
F30 in Milwaukee, WI =USA=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
From grief & loss website
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: Leukemia; Aged: 56.
--Details:
She was diagnosed seven years ago with breast cancer; treatment
was lumpectomy w/ radiation; radiation caused complications and
two years ago she was diagnosed with leukemia. She went through
many treatments and survived longer than Dr.s thought she would
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--Death Is:
When the life functions/energy of the human body deteriorates and
ceases it's ability to continue functioning.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to comprehend the totality of it.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...Grandfather died when I was 6
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my mother's actual death - watching her breath her last breaths. And
the enormous outpouring of support from family, friends and the
larger community. She was well known and well liked.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not experienced the same by everyone; not everyone believes in
life after death; not everyone believes that religion will get
them through.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
knowing how important my loved ones were in so many lives.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
our closest family members being there.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The knowledge that the person was no longer waling this earth. The
feelings of total emptiness.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
letting them know how important they are to you and how they've
made your life more full and hppy.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
right now. I can't seem to process that she's really gone - it's
like I keep having to re-realize it over and over.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
the death of an extremely close person evokes so many memories, some
so good that you must laugh as a tribute to the joy they gave you.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her how proud I was of her. I always shared my love and
affection, but I don't remember telling her how much pride I felt
that she was my mother.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get through the funeral without needing a sedative.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I wouldn't have grown up as quickly.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that too many wonderful people go too early and too many mean ones
seem to live an eternity. It's an immature view but how I felt.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back in time.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
immense gratitude and admiration - the nurses and doctors that
work in oncology have so many losses and yet they fight each case
valiantly. I was utterly impressed.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
as above
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
little. I'm envious of those who can immerse their pain in religion
but I'm far too self-aware for it to ease my pain.
--Religious Affiliation:
none - Agnostic.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I disagree with the assumption of some spirit, implying the
supernatural. I'm frustrated that resources involving greiving
must assume this belief. It is no consolation to me.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
very well attended, and fufuilled my mother's wishes.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
not feeling anything at times.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my mother said she saw angels several hours before she died.
She was also very heavily medicated. I tend to think that these
experiences are psychological refuge for those who believe.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
NDEs have been studied by the scientific community and many feel
that there are real physilogical and psychological expanations that
are far more likely and reasonable than supernatural expanations;
it's comforting for many to believe in them but my rationality
won't allow me to pretend to make me feel better.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Very little unresolved. My mother and I were very close friends
and resolved old angers a long time ago.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Dreams, definitely. I've dreamed of dead loved ones several
times. The brain has the amazing capacity to make things like
this very real. It's another way for us to find comfort in out
loss. The content of the dreams is often confusing though - I don't
usually find huge meaning or major messages. Just a nice vacation
from reality.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
We followed my mother's wishes, which were slightly unconventional
(cremation, casket-less memorial service and rememberabce "party").
It made me think of what I would want which is very unconventional
(non-religious rememberance ceremony) but I have a feeling that my
family would do something religious anyway; I find religious people
can seldom accept the wishes of the non-religious.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I know that I have a greater genetic link to dying of cancer, and
this has had me thinking about how I would face such a thing; I
only know it from the vantage point of being a loved one left behind.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
one thing was going through family pictures to chose some to display
at the memorial. That forced me to feel.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My mother and I forged a stronger friendship after the death of my
best freind ten years ago. Now I am finding a much closer bond to
my mother's sister as we've suffered together for so long.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It's just good to express feelings; to understand that it's okay
to be confused and empty.
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Thu Sep 21 22:27:53 2000
F40 in Atlantic Beach, Florida =U.S.=
Name: Barbara Clayton
Email: <boobuns1=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
loooking up surveys on the web
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 20 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a motorcycle accident; Aged: 18 yrs.
--Details:
Jeraldine was ny best friend since the age of 10 she was a real
partyer and was crazy about Harley Davidsons she was at a club and
met a guy there who had one so she went for a ride the guy was drunk
and pulled out in front of a car Jeraldine was thrown from the bike
she broke her neck and died instanly I was 3 months pregnant with
my oldest daughter and her sister called me at 6 a.m. and told me
Jeraldine was dead I said knonk it off Lauri and then she started
crying I dropped the phone and just started screaming I had to be
put on valium because i was so upset.
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--Death Is:
In my experience it was the most scariest thing I have ever felt
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 10nyears old and my grandmother died I heard my mother crying
early in the morning when I went downstairs to see what was wrong
she told me my nana had died.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I had taking my 2 daughters and a friend to a
river to go catch crabs with chicken on a string it was low tide
and we were walking around in the water and my daughters friend
Kalie got caught in a "sink hole" I didn't know it at the time so i
went over to her and we were both stuggling in the water I couldn't
get a hold on her because she kept fighting trying to stay above
the water I too was having a hard time all I could here was my kids
screaming somebody help I could feel my lungs filling up and I just
knew I was going to die right there in front of my 2 girls I was
thinking please god let somebody help us I finally couldn't fight
anymore and gave up the next thing I remember is a man carrying
me up the embankment and throwing up water the ambulance came and
Kallie and I were okay. The man that saved us was a 1st class in
the U.S. Navy. He got alot of awards and media coverage we were
on T.V. And he got a special award from Washington D.C. I call him
my angel he was such a nice guy.But i will never forget that day
I couldn't even talk about it that night I cried my self to sleep
and thanked god for sending me "francis Little"
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
That i almost died in front of my daughters
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how too deal with the way we express our self
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I found it very hard to belive i was never going to see Jeraldine
again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
If they knew they were going to die the I would tell them to try
and console there family members that it was o.k and that they were
ready to go
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was thinking about my kids and what a awful life they would have
seeing me die in front of them
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have been at the club with Jeraldine because she wouldn't have gone
for the bike ride and left me they by myself
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be saved and thankful my daughter flagged the man down in his car
to save us.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I thought my life was over
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
if I was ever going to go crabbing again
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I watch the video tape of me and frank on his ship when the news
went there to interview him
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I truley believe in God and felt like he sent Frank there to save us
--Religious Affiliation:
I was raised Catholic but now I'm really non-demonational I just
believe in god and Jesus Christ
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Jeraldine had alot of friends and at her funeral people were asking
why she wasn't buried in jeans instead of the dress her mom wanted
her in I thought that was very ignorant and showed no respect to
her mom
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The feeling i had the next day it was like I was in a deep depresion
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I used to dream about Jeraldine alot we would just be talking or
having a good time. Now I only dream about her once in a while
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
I'm always looking to help people who are sad or afraid
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
I felt like my friends just don't understand on how close I came
to drowning
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Thu Sep 21 08:30:35 2000
F33 in Westville, Fl =usa=
Name: Pam
Email: <pamela_russ9=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Hospice ]
Prof/Studies: Domestic Goddess
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 69.
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...A family member died and my mother went to the
funeral home to bathe and dress her after the mortician finished his
job. I was 5years old,and have always felt comfortable with death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the feeling of loss and emptiness
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not to be feared or hidThe
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The love of God my parents taught me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
letting go
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Talk to them, hug,kiss and touch them. My mom couldn't communicate
with me,but I told her it was okay to let go and go be with my Dad
in heaven. I really believe she knew I was there.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Could my own grief aside to care for my mom up until she took her
last breath.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Humor is a welcomed relief at a time when things can seem so dark
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk to her before she had a stroke that left her with no memory
of anyone.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Hold up personally to care for her the way I always promised her
I would.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk to her one more time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
really haven't allowed myself to grieve the way I did when my dad
died 7 years ago.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Gratitude
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
The best experience of my life. Those people are amazing and I
hope to become one of them soon. Words cannot express the wonderful
feelings I have about the experience.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Our life was completely centered around the church
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
The night my dad had a massive heart attack and died in my arms,I
had a wonderful dream of him. I was in a gym watching a basketball
game, when he came walking in grinning at me from ear to ear.
This dream left me with such relief that I just knew that was his
way of telling me he was ok.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not scared to die, I just don't want to leave my family and
friends.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I sleep in my mom's nightgowns
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I try not to take people for granted. We never know who might
be next.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I was raised in a strict Christian home
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just someone to listen would help a lot.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
great
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Mon Sep 18 09:51:22 2000
F29 in Willoughby, OH =U.S.=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tuesdays With Morrie
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: sudden heart attack; Aged: 70.
--Details:
The death was eerily similar to the death of my grandfather (his
brother). Almost exactly the same events occured, their wives
calling a daughter before an ambulance, both being dead before the
ambulance arrived, and same time of night. His granddaughters were
at the same ages my sister and i were when our grandfather died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when you no longer enjoy what is here on earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very sad because of the loss and i felt nobody understood.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather whom I was very close to died
of a sudden heart attack.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the amount of tears shed. Even the men in the family bawled w/o
shame.
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that the children need to be included so that they understand it
is ok to feel angry and afraid. Adults seem to be afraid to talk
to children about death and the children get lost in the shuffle
of a funeral.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I was able to do for my cousins what no adult had done for me when
my grandfather died. I talked to them and acknowledged their grief.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to heaven and to my grandfather.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that I feel guilty because he may not have known how
special he was to me.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear the song that goes, "I'll be seeing you in all the old
familiar places that this heart of mine embraces. . ."
--Religious Affiliation:
presbyterian, not an active participant. I prefer to say my prayers
and think my thoughts privately.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
adults would pass over the children in the receiving line w/o a
word and comfort our parents and other relatives.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Expecting the dead person to move or crack a smile. I also have
a hard time for months after a death, I will sometimes forget the
person has died and I am tempted to say, "How is so and so doing?"
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I worried that my grandfather may not have known how special he was,
but I think in my heart he had to know.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
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Sun Sep 17 21:12:45 2000
F18 in S.L.C, Ut =USA=
Name: Crystal
Email: <crystalc=at=sisna.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: student at U of U
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More personal info:
I would like to know how to get in contact with other siblings via
the internet.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a car accident; Aged: 12.
--Details:
My brother, Eric's death, unfortunatley could have been avoided,
I do believe. He was killed in a car accident, the result of icy
conditions, fog, and an inexperienced driver. My other brother,
Cody, who at the age of 14 was completely legal in driving, as
they lived in Iowa. (As long as my father accompanied him in the
passenger seat.) My father and two brothers were returning home for
eating out. Cody was driving and the conditions were unfavorable
for an inexperieced driver. As it happens my brother crossed the
median and hit head on with another car. The collision resulted not
only my brother, Eric's death, but also of the driver in the other
car. My brother, Cody was thrown into a coma and my father suffered
from a broken back. My mother, my step-father and I were alerted
by telephone an hour later. I will skip the details for now of that
horrid night. My mother, step-father, and I lived in Utah and flew
to Iowa within a few hours. After the Eric's funeral in Iowa,
we flew him back to Utah to have another funeral and to for the
burial. My mother and I flew back to Iowa and there remained until
my brother and father made a complete recovery. Eric's death,
I do believe could have been avoided with the use of a seatbelt,
which he was not wearing, and laws that limited the driving of
those under 16 during certain weather conditions and times.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
I would tell them that death, according to me, is the loss of a
person. The person whom we knew is lost and can never return. The
personality, the smiles, the hugs, their voice, everything that
made that person unique no longer exists and therefore cannot be
duplicated again. Death would be the extinguishing of that person's
life. I do not know if I could tell someone that they now exist in
another realm, because I do not know if that is true. Death simply
put is the loss of someone dear.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
My grandmother was the first death that I experienced. I did not
go through long bouts of grief or denial or any of the other strong
emotions that usually follow. I knew that she had died, yet I also
knew that it was normal. She was aging and I knew that she was going
to die soon. I missed her greatly and yet I knew that my memories
of her would never be lost.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...The first person I lost was my grandmother at
about the age of 13. She passed away in her sleep and the funeral
took place within a week. The hardest part of her death was her
funeral. Only my father and I attended. She had no remaining family,
nor any family from her husband's side, and my father was an only
child. My two brothers were living with my mother in the west and
could not fly out to her funeral, which took place in Indiana. The
lack of emotion showed during that time upset me in dealing with
her death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Returning back to the death of my brother Eric. The most vivid and
terrifying scene that shall remain with me until the day I die, is
the immediate effect upon hearing the news. My step-father recieved
the phone call, the person simply asked to speak to my mother. Once
my mother was on the phone, the person stated in a matter-of-fact
tone the there had been an accident. My brother, Eric was killed. My
father had a broken back and they were unsure of the status of my
other brother Cody. It took another hour to establish that he was in
a coma and his condition critical. The screams I heard from my mother
will always echo within my brain. She had been bathing and it was
a miracle that she had not dropped the phone into the water. When
I came running up the stairs to see what had happened, I barely
understood anything. I believed at first that Eric and my father
had been killed. It felt like an eternity before the information
became somewhat clear. During the progression of the night, my
mothers employer, an oral surgeon, came over and had to hook my
mother up to an IV and give us all medication to calm us and let us
sleep a little before flying out at 5:00 a.m. to Iowa. The sight of
my mother vomiting the smallest ounce of water and her shrilling
screams are forever pierced into my memory. I remember feeling as
if I were out of my body, for as I recall that night, I remember as
almost from an aerial perspective. I can see myself in the driveway,
screaming towards the night sky, begging whatever forces may exist,
that Cody and my father would pull through. At the same time of my
begging the night sky, I was cursing it for the death of Eric.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I think that many people tend to classify deaths and the amount
of time a person can grieve, according to their classification of
the death. The business world believes that one month is pushing
the grieving envelope. Many do not understand that death cannot
be classified, nor can the amount of time someone grieves can
be limited. For almost every person that has experienced the
death of a loved one, they understand that they will be grieving
their entire lifetime. The intensity of that grief may increase or
decrease as with the ability of the individual to function in their
daily life. Another huge problem of the American culture is the
notion of ignoring the death. This hurts people more often than the
stupid comments of others. I recall hearing about a tradition in, I
believe, New Guinea, where the death of someone is publicly mourned
for about a month. Everyone takes part in the grief and publicy
displays it. Death is not ignored, but rather embraced in an odd way.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The onlyt thing that may have been a positive outcome of my brother's
death, is the bond which has further developed between my other
brother and I. Cody and I have become truly best friends and have
been able to truly trust each other and we realize how lucky we
are to still have each other.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The greatest support and relief that I found was in a group called
The Sharing Place. This was an organization that brought children
and teenagers together, according to age levels. Each group had
a variety of children that had lost someone close to them. Every
death was unique and every person was unique. In this group, I
was able to go and discuss the issues that I thought were relevant
to death. Everyone talked about what they were concerned with and
here we found others that were like us. We were all trying to work
through our grief in a society that shun those who mourn. Talking
with other people that can relate to your experiences and who share
your emotions was the most helpful for me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The hardest part of Eric's death was my personal belief system. It
is hard to imagine that my brother is not in another realm, happy and
alive. However, my belief doesn't include an afterlife and imagining
him lying only in the cold ground as rotting decaying flesh is one
of the most terrifying and disturbing thoughts I have ever had.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughter is sometimes the best medicine. And to laugh in conjunction
with crying is even better. At one point during my mother's and
my hospital stay with my brother, we ventured out to find a place
to eat outside of the hospital. We found an old diner and there we
proceeded to order and eat. All the stress and emotions came over us
than we began crying again and out of nowhere our tears turned into
hysterical laughter. Everyone at the diner began to worry about our
mental health. I believe we laughed for a good 10 minutes. However,
after we finished we felt better than we had for days.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish that I had been more aggresive in telling my brother to wear
his seatbelt. The accident occured Feb. 3, 1998. In Janurary, one
month earlier, I had visited them for Christmas. I had reprimanded
them all on not wearing the seatbelts. I told them that it would save
their lives if they were to get into an accident. Unfortunately,
one month later the accident occured and they had not taken heed
of my lecture.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
The point at which Eric's death became the most real and profound was
when I saw him. I went to see his body before he had been prepped
for the viewing. The reality of his cold, blue, and lifeless body
was profound. Only then did I truly understand. After that point
I became a real recluse and had a hard time trying to justify my
emotions and beliefs. I turned my attention to the health and well
being of Cody and my father.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I was disgusted with the role religion played in Eric's death. Many
people tried to pawn his death off and say he was in a better place
and others tried to tell everything that we must do according to
their religion. Every aspect of religion I encountered during this
was that of pushiness and ugliness. Religion to me is a cheap way
of tryig to make oneself feel better.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am agnostic.
--Regarding MONEY:
My mother decided to sue my father for the death of Eric. She
held him at fault for his death and that issue almost tore the
family apart.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I follow no religion, nor do I have any strong beliefs. I tend to be
more agnostic than anything else. However, recent experiences have
helped me deal with death and dying and understand that it is not
only a part of our life, but a situation that everyone must deal
with at one point in their life or another. The biggest comfort in
working with your grief is working with others who share the grief
for someone else that they have lost.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
My biggest problem in working through my grief was to overcome my
biggest fear of death. Throughout my life I have placed no real
belief in a afterlife. My beliefs rely heavily upon science and
factual data. It is still a problem to this day with my belief in
science and my fear of "nothingness".
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Sun Sep 17 14:00:14 2000
M19 in Austin, Texas =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 8 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 82 or so.
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--Death Is:
the shut-down of our physical bodies. The termination of life
processes.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt nothing. For a long time I just quietly accepted the death.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother died of cancer in 1992.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
no one really seemed to care that much. It was my paternal
grandmother a year ago and most of the family didn't like her
very much.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing, everyone will know what they need to. It's different
for everyone.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
if there is indeed another side of life, I'll have some help
getting around.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the guilt of not crying at the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'll start forgetting pieces of my life, and in remembering them,
remembering the people involved.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Perhaps I would have had the support I needed when my own thoughts
took on a darker cast.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that they could die when I couldn't.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go to sleep and never wake up.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the medical community takes pride in butchering the dead for their
secrets.
--Religious Affiliation:
I have been Satanist, Setian, Wiccan, Celtic, Christian, Chaosian.. I
have dabbled in all views, hoping to find a god who listened.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out
I had a hard time feeling anything at all.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
I felt that I was horrible because I couldn't cry at the funeral,
that I didn't mourn properly.
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Sun Sep 17 11:38:33 2000
F19 in brooklyn, ny =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
surfing the web for topics for my thesis
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Prof/Studies: psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: sickness; Aged: 35.
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--Death Is:
The loss of someone physically. You take the memories with you
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was fifteen years old. I knew it was going to happen but didn't
expect it so soon
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... it was someone I knew very well
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how well everyone managed.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the tought of not seeing her again.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it helped me a lot.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with her before she died. To see her smile again.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know she went peacefully
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we spoke about her and told stories.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
sitting there staring at the casket crying.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why did she have to go?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried. I then accepted it and had to move on knowing that
I wouldn't be able to see her but her memory was still with me
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did all they could.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
she was going to heaven and we will one day meet her there.
--Religious Affiliation:
Pentecostal
--Regarding MONEY:
it was not an issue in this case
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
losing weight, loss of appetite but before dying usually eats a meal.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
said the angels were singing and one was coming to get her.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
my grandmother almost died and had a near death experience. She
claimed that she saw heaven but a voice told her it wasn't her time
to go. In that instant she began breathing again.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell her I love her. I would be sure she knew how important
she really was to me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
What will happen to the children if they are young.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I always knew that people eventually die for whatever reason.
This only made it more real.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I looked at pictures and sat down to think about her and what we
used to do with her. I remembered specific times that all we did
was laugh.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
Talking about her helped me deal with it
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
we helped each other which was very helpful to me and my family.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me remember how much I miss her. It is something that
helped me realize that my loved ones are very important to me and
that I should let them know that.
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Fri Sep 15 10:29:26 2000
M50 in Naperville, Il =USA=
Name: Bill Fahrner
Email: <Fahrner5=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Research Project
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Prof/Studies: Psychology, Disabled
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Saying Goodbye to Daniel, and a college course in death and dying
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 20 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 89.
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--Death Is:
Part of living
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was probably to young to understand it totally
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my grandfather who died when I was about 9
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Were memories of all the good times we had
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is inevitable and we all must come to accept it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The memories
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My wife
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That they were gone and I would never see them again
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say goodbye
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
As people get old it is accepted that they are going to die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried a little bit but most of all I relived the memories
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
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Thu Sep 14 22:34:02 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: anuerysm; Aged: 26.
--Details:
He was paralyzed from a fall when he was 18 and the coroner said
this happens like apressure building
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--Death Is:
transformation. Just as we are born and live and die, we are off
to another experience
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in so much denial. I couldnt even talk about it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my grandmother. She died after being
in a coma for almost a month. She had cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the soul cry. That terrible sob that escapes your heart that
just aches
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
acceptance.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a spritual hug I received the day we buried my brother
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the actual death
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
do it, if not for yourself theperson needs you
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
somehow survived
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
everybody reacts differently to death
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say I love you to him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
give him the "final appearance" he deserved
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
dont understand
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I feel the pain of their "not being here"
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be somewhere in life right now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It is not an option
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
join them
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
still couldnt accept it
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Kaiser should not be allowed to treat people
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing at the time. However I have learned a great deal since then
--Religious Affiliation:
current-christian past-none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
True to the soul. The connection is still there somewhere
--Regarding MONEY:
People were very generous
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
You never know who was there, You always know who wasnt
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
wanting to experience it myself
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Isolation. The pushing away
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I realize you cannot put a time limit on another;s greif
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My brother saw angels and spirits after his near death experience. He
talked more of their visits the closer to his death
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have issues. Only meand my creator can help
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you. I will never forget you
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
So many "signs" from people to music to pictures to the clouds that
form into obvious signs
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Discuss it with your loved ones. I was the final decision on life
support. I knew what my brother beleived and would never want
that. That honesty spoke before I could
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think about it daily. I no longer find life so facsinating
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Definitly. I was blessed to become friends with his best friend
who so many people comment on their similarities-talk, laugh veiws
and the fact that they use to resemble each other. I also beleive
I have been blessed by an angel. who before wasnt my friend (his)
but now is my best friend and angel
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I couldnt reach. Iwas lucky I have such a strong support system
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I liked it
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I have alot of ideas
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Thu Sep 14 11:42:01 2000
F23 in New Orleans, Louisiana =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 57.
--Details:
he was the first person that i grew up knowing and loving that died
and it was pretty sudden. and he was my godfather
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
cessation of physical being (breathing, thriving), but hopefully
the beginning of something beyond the physical world
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know how to feel and no one really talked to me about it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a great great aunt died of old age
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
lots of sadness and tears. but also the sharing of his memory
and love
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to talk about it more openly, especially with children
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
being able to say goodbye to a loved one before they die; being
able to say things I may not have been able to say before
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing the sadness throughout my family, esp. my parents and that
feeling of emptiness inside
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tell them how much you love them
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
he got sick very quickly
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say goodbye and tell him that I love him
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
he kept his sense of humor while on his death bed
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
viewing his body...he donated his body to science so there was
no viewing
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see his grandchildren and think of the fact that they'll never
get to know him
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i don't know. his death changed the way i feel about family and a
lot of things. in some ways, it helped
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that people die so young and from terrible diseases, esp. children
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk to him or see him again
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
the hospice worker was terrific even though there was nothing they
could really do for him
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
pretty good, although I didn't have much contact with them
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
rituals that i don't really believe in anymore but i know meant a
lot to my uncle
--Religious Affiliation:
raised roman catholic, currently none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
there is something beyond death and the physical
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there was sooo many people
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
watching my parents grieve so much and being so vulnerable
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
that i should let my family know of my wishes and know what
their's are
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i'm not afraid of death but i'd like to die asleep in my bed at a
nice old age
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
just continuing to talk about him and laugh about all the silly
memories we have
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
it has brought my dad and his other brothers closer
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
she was old and i didn't know her very well
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me sad in thinking about my uncle
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Thu Sep 14 05:10:53 2000
F17 in , =uk=
Name: mica
Email: <micha=at=fsmail.net>
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Prof/Studies: student( one day psychologist)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 9 ago.
Aged: 3
--Details:
as above
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
what happens to the physical body when its time for the soul to
move on
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 8 my brother drowned
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...i left my brother outside 2 use the toilet
when i came back he was gone, me and my mum found him at the bottom
of the pool. he died in hospitol when the machines were switched off
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
sleeping a lot and thinking how brave i was for not crying
--What I think my (uk) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that as with all things it happens for a reason, u should not be
so selfish about death, people get wrapped up in the whole poor me
ive lost so much, but life goes on and obviously that persons soul
was restless and ready to move on. my brothers soul visited us and
blessed us with his presence for a short time and that it how it
was meant to be
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
for memories
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the guilt, i left him so i thought it was my fault
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
people acted as though meantioning samuel my brother was not to
be done
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see him as a teenager as he would be now
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i wonder what he'd be like now
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was so young
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was young most of it has blurred away
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing my faith in god died along with him, i began believing in
a higher power
--Religious Affiliation:
atheist/?
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very true
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that i only recognised a few people and i wished that they didnt
look so sad
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how quickly i accepted the fact he was gone
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my mum says shecan smoetimes hear him ash to hold her hand and her
hand warms
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Thu Sep 14 05:03:01 2000
F17 in , =uk=
Name: mica
Email: <micha=at=fsmail.net>
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Prof/Studies: student( one day psychologist)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 9 ago.
Aged: 3
--Details:
as above
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
what happens to the physical body when its time for the soul to
move on
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 8 my brother drowned
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...i left my brother outside 2 use the toilet
when i came back he was gone, me and my mum found him at the bottom
of the pool. he died in hospitol when the machines were switched off
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
sleeping a lot and thinking how brave i was for not crying
--What I think my (uk) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that as with all things it happens for a reason, u should not be
so selfish about death, people get wrapped up in the whole poor me
ive lost so much, but life goes on and obviously that persons soul
was restless and ready to move on. my brothers soul visited us and
blessed us with his presence for a short time and that it how it
was meant to be
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
for memories
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the guilt, i left him so i thought it was my fault
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
people acted as though meantioning samuel my brother was not to
be done
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see him as a teenager as he would be now
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i wonder what he'd be like now
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was so young
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was young most of it has blurred away
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Wed Sep 13 18:02:08 2000
M in Adelaide, =Australia=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Lawyer / Psychologist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Horse Riding Accident; Aged: 18.
--Details:
Old girl friend killed when crushed by horse
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Something that is grossly misinterpreted. Death should be embraced
as a natural part of evolution. Most humans don't think this way
and instead cling to the material of this 'physical world'
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Asked God why. 10 years later I know the answer to that question.
--That first time, how it happened was
Grandmother died quite suddenly from a clot in her leg. She had
been my primary baby sitter while my parents worked.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The pathetic way in which people try to console one another when
they supposedly have 'religious' views that would mean it's a good
thing, not bad. However, they seem to forget that.
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That we all die, you can't do anything about it, so just make the
most of your life and live it righteously.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It made me think about it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Nothing/No-one. I gave myself support.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching my parents go through the 'pain' of losing someone and
knowing that they don't know what happens after death.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Came to realise reality is what we make it. If you think you're
depressed you will be. If you have faith in yourself you will
get through.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The doctors could do nothing and death was assured. I asked why
they could do nothing.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughter in that instance reflects the denial and absolutely pathetic
way in which people feel so incapable of doing anything. No-one
around my grandmother's death bed laughed, because we knew nothing
could be done, and we accepted that.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have a chat with her and learn a bit more.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hurt myself...I used to get 'teary-eyed' until I realised exactly
what is in store for us once we die.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
So now we get into quantum mechanics...oh well. I don't need to
dream myself into another dimension because this plane is what we
make of it. Dwelling on the past makes you stumble into the future -
a rather pointless exercise. Sure sometimes I think what if I hadn't
done this or if I had done that. It just doesn't matter.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Die, so that I can experience what happens. It's not as if it's a
bad thing.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Thought it is strange the way that the timeline plays out.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
We're built a certain way and we should be allowed to die without
having a spark of life kept in our bodies because we are stuffed
full of needles, tubes and probes.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing at that time, it has only been recently that I really gave
it thought and considered the implications rather thoroughly.
--Religious Affiliation:
Uniting Church --> Nothing --> Islam --> Pentacostal Church -->
Basics of monotheism with a dash of reincarnation.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Right. We all die, no matter what you do in this life you either
ascend or descend the spiritual evolutionary ladder. So regardless
of whether people believe a certain thing, it's the way we act on
this planet in this plane of existence that matters. After all,
it's just a test.
--Regarding MONEY:
Funeral parlours are a bloody rip off. Cremation is the way to go
and it's quite ridiculous that people desire to have their bodies
buried still.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The sense of togetherness in the family.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Don't know, she was unconscious soon after admission to hospital
and died quite quickly without regaining consciousness.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I wouldn't want people to be unhappy or sad. Rejoicing would be
more the order of the day in the fact that I would be free from
this physical 'hell'.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I was going to die tomorrow...so be it. The only thing that
matters is how I interact with the world around me during the time
I am alive. If a person died at age 10 it wouldn't matter if they
had led a productive and positive life. It's all about relationships.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Knowledge about 'reality' and that death is part of it
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
At that age I didn't expect her to die so suddenly
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Clarified / crystalised my thoughts. Interesting experience.
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Wed Sep 13 11:37:00 2000
F24 in Carbondale, Illinois =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: administration of justice
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
DEaling with the loss of a parent.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: not really sure; Aged: 42.
--Details:
My father was jogging and collapsed and they worked on him for
awhile at the hospital but he didn't make it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother passed away from diabetes.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling angry and wondering why it happened
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the tons of people that reached out and helped us
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not having hime there to talk to about things
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him I loved him one last time
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be very close to my dad. I have no regrets on that aspect
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why would God take someone so young and healthy away from his family
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have him here to talk to about things
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I just collapsed and started crying
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a great deal. my mom and dad were a big part of the church.
--Religious Affiliation:
free methodist
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the whold church was full. there were people in side rooms and
downstairs who could only hear they couldn't see it.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had a dream my dad was talking to me and telling me to tak e care
of everyone for him and that he would be alright. My mother had a
dream that she was talking to my father and he was asking how we all
were doing and she said to him " you won't come back will you" and he
said " I can't. I am very happy where I am and I will watch over you"
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
My sisters and I still sit around and talk about all the things
dad did. We just sit and reminesce.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
It made me learn that holding grudges is a bad thing because you
never know when someone is going to go and you may regret that
you never patched things up. When someone is taking so suddenly it
makes you realize how special life is.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
i was very young
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Wed Sep 13 08:22:35 2000
F21 in Flower Mound, TX =US=
Name: Sadie
Email: <Sadie.Bell-Vera=at=wnco.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 1 month and 3 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: Car accident; Aged: 22.
--Details:
He was racing his mustang (his passion). He came up on some traffic
and was unable to stop. He was going over 160 mph. He lost control
and hit the gaurd rail which made him fly out of the passanger
window into oncomming traffic. He was finally hit by another car
and landed on the other side of the highway. He was not wearing his
seatbelt. The medical examiner said had he been wearing his seatbelt
he would have walk away with some scratches and bruises. The examiner
also said had I been in the car with him (which I was supposed to
be) I would have died instantly. Seatbelt or not.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The most painful thing to experiance. When my husband died, I felt
like my whole life was over. I have already accepted that there
will never be another man that will love me as good as he did. I
felt empty inside. I still feel alone regardless of how many people
are around.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was in denial for a long time. I didn't think something like that
could ever happen to me. I blamed myself for not going when they
ask me too. I felt as if I could have stopped it from happening if
I just went. I never left him alone when I was around.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my little brother. He was 21 months
old. On July 28, 1989 he was at my grand-parents for the summer
and they left him unattended in the backyard with his bathing suit
on. He was running around the pool and slipped fell knocked himself
out and fell in the deep end.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I keep feeling like my future is gone. And I feel hopeless.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to go up to the greiving family on the day of the funeral and
ask how they are doing. Well how do they think we are doing. I
think if they don't know what to say don't say anything. Just be
honest and don't try to think of something clever to say like:
"He is in a better place" "It was God's plan" Most of the time
you are making yourself look like a fool.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I would like to be grateful that I was even given the most wonderful
4 year of my life with the most wonderful man I ever could have
imagined.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I placed my husband next to a man his same age in the cemetary
and his wife called me and talking to her has helped the most. I
think because we are both going through the same thing and we have
a lot of the same thoughts. It is comforting knowing that I am not
lossing my mind and my thoughts are not weird.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Lossing the man of my dreams after so short of a time together. We
had lots of plans.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I wish I knew the answer to this question.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
still confused
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I felt guilty when I laughed or even just smiled.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have his children.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be loved by a men like that. Some people never experience love
like that.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Someone else talks about their husband. Or family. It is still
pretty new to me so I still get teary-eyed about everything.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would still be happy.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That this is the second person that was super close to me that I
lost. That other people get to grow old with the one that they
love and I won't get to. That we only got 4 years together.
That he was not here to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary
with me. I could go on forever with this one.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
crawl into a hole and never come out.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
It still seems a little unreal.
--Regarding MONEY:
it meant nothing.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
There wasn't enough room for all the people that my husband touched.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Support Group
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
I was also too young to deal with it mentally so it finally hit me
when I was 17. I was 10 when it happened.
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Tue Sep 12 05:12:58 2000
F49 in Seattle, WA =USA=
Name: Kathryn Ford
Email: <Flaggerx=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Hospice Volunteer
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More personal info:
I am a member of Compassion in Action. We are a group of volunteers
believing that through worldwide education and mobilization, we can
be loving presence for thsoe approaching death, and that thereby
no one need die alone.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 8 mos ago.
Cause of Death: cancr; Aged: 78.
--Details:
I was a hospice volunteer at the Veterans Admoinstation , he was
a patient
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The ending of our time in these bodies, the beginning of a new
experiance in anotherplace or time.
There are many oppertunities to find meaning at the end of our
time here.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
really wasn't to aware of what it was all about .
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...an aged uncle died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the times we spent talking and the way my friend told me so much
about his life and family.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not to be feared but faced with the realization that it is
a part of our growth, and the life process.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I know that with my friend that there were people present to meet
hom when he passed.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Reading and research have given me a better underdtanding
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
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Mon Sep 11 23:24:16 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Neighbor, 3 yrs this december ago.
Cause of Death: acute lung and brain cancer; Aged: 54yrs.
--Details:
She was a drinker and smoker but a wonderful neibor. My mother and
her went to school together then they were nighbors after my mom
and dad started a family and moved next door to her parents whom
she took care of until they died about 8 years before she died.
She never married and children were something she always wished
she had. I remember many times at the house having fun with her
and her parents. We would play gold fish and other fun games.
When she died it felt if I had lost a second mom. I am crying at
the moment and it feels good to relief the pain that we all ball
up in our hearts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A fact of life that happens just as birth. Sad and a loss that
is so difficult to express. Anger, sadness and lonelyness follows
the process.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandmother died when I was 10yrs old.
My whole family was a wreck and I remember being confused and the
fact that no one wanted to expain to me what was going on.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fact that she died with no one but me and my family. She and
her sister were fighting over family money and what they thought
was importand when yet it was't at all in the end.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to deal with it and remember the good times and love the ones
around you that are still alive.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
God
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
Stories of young children that have died and expressed what they
saw after they were brought back.
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Mon Sep 11 13:22:48 2000
F26 in Hailsham, Sussex =UK=
Name: Mel Ellis
Email: <gilka=at=madasafish.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
via grief and loss resource centre
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Prof/Studies: Sales administrator
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
When a child dies,
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Nancy kohner, Doris stokes, Stephen O'Brien
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 1 yr, 3 mths ago.
Cause of Death: placental insufficiency; Aged: 25 weeks.
--Details:
The placenta was small and inadequate, Jacob was small and hadn't
grown for 2-3 weeks before his death. No-one thought to tell me
that there was a possibility of losing him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the body stops working.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad but I didn't understand at first the impact it would have.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My grandfather died, this was the first person
who I knew to die. The last time I saw him he was ok and then we
had a call to tell us he had died. I missed him when we went over
to his house and he wasn't there.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I wanted to die to be with him. A sense of isolation and lonliness,
like no-one else knew how I felt and I was the only one this had
happened to.
--What I think my (UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death is not the end, the spirit continues to exist.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My local spiritual church who taught me that he was ok and being
cared for.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The loss of the future, of the plans I had made. Of not knowing
him and the person he was to become. Never getting to say a proper
hello before I had to say goodbye.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hear him cry, see the colour of his eyes.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
curl up in a ball in the corner and never see anyone again
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried, cried and cried! I realised that I had to go through the
birth with nothing at the end of it.
--Religious Affiliation:
bought up Church of England, now call myself a Spiritualist
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
1)I was in my flat looking out of the window. I looked down and
someone was pushing a hospital type trolley along the road, the
stopped just below my window. On the trolley were three babies.
The middle baby looked up at me and smiled and winked at me whilst
raising his thumb to me as if saying that either he was ok or
it would be ok. The two babies beside him were " asleep" 2)
My mother and I were going into a large American style hospital,
we walked down the corridor and into a large room filled with lots
of babies in cots. I was walking around looking for my son. I was
thinking that he hadn't really died and there had been a mistake,
I hoped he would be in this room but he wasn't there.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
coping ritual=I bought Jacob a little green monkey before he
was born. When I knew he died I took it to hospital with me
and didn't put it down for a few weeks, I carried it everywhere.
It was like he was with me as he had had it in his basket and had
his photo taken with it. At night I would wrap the monkey in his
blanket and cuddled it all night. No real event for closure.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My step-nephew, who is 2, and I have become quite close. I spent
quite a time with him.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
Once someone dies they are no longer talked about
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Mon Sep 11 11:59:15 2000
M21 in Kingston Springs, Tennessee =United States=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
This site was on a list of surveys/questionnaires that I had to
complete for a class assignment.
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Prof/Studies: Psychology Major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 7yrs ago.
Cause of Death: bone-marrow cancer; Aged: 79.
--Details:
He died a rather slow and agonizing death. Towards the end, they
put him on so much strong medication that he was very spaced out.
I never did go to visit him toward the end because I wanted to
remember him as a vital and healthy person rather than as being
almost skeletal and doped up on extremely large amounts of potent
narcotics.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
simply passing from one phase of existence into one which is
hopefully more serene and transcendental.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was really too young and not close enough to the deceased for it
to affect me dramatically.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...one of my great-grandmothers died at a very
old age.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how strange it was that my grandfather would never be around
again. So, I guess it was realizing the ultimate finality of death
that really made me think more about making the most of life.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it should not be feared so much.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing that my grandfather was not wracked with pain anymore and
was in a better realm.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
wishing that I had spent more time with my grandfather and gotten
to know him as a person rather than just a grandfather.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have gotten to know my grandfather more personally.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
view my grandfathers death in the light of his having lived a
productive and long life.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
viewing the body of the deceased.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was shocked at the realization of how fragile we are and how fleeting
life is.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
knowing that they did the best they could and did help my
grandfather.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
that they were very caring and helpful.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that my grandfather was going to heaven.
--Religious Affiliation:
I believe in a higher power, but I do not follow a specific religion
per se.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a very helpful and valid concept in dealing with death.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
looking at the body in the casket.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a strange kind of serenity in the dying individual.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The only wish that I have is that I will be in a closed casket
during the funeral process.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I do not particularly fear death. If I am going to die, then it
is my divinely determined time to die. I would be most worried
about my loved ones if I knew that death was eminent.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I always have to think about how the person is better off and that
they were meant to die for reasons that are not understandable to
mere mortals.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
She was very old and sick; so, I figured that she was better off
in moving to the other realm of existence whatever that may be.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was helpful because it made me rethink and revisit the death of
my grandfather which I have not often done.
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Mon Sep 11 11:27:20 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
This site was on a list of surveys/questionnaires that I had to
complete for a class assignment.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 7yrs ago.
Aged:
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...one of my great-grandmothers died at a very
old age.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
She was very old and sick; so, I figured that she was better off
in moving to the other realm of existence whatever that may be.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Mon Sep 11 09:57:47 2000
Anonymous Guest in ogallala, Ne =USA=
Name: Chris Redmond
Email: <ReddDOG=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i looked on yahoo
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Prof/Studies: student
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More personal info:
i can't stand this place
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, months- ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: ???.
--Details:
not really
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--Death Is:
when a person just doesn't existed physically anymore.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 15.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...i found out my grandmother died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not being there for her funeral.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that there's nothing after death and to stop thinking there is.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that i know she was there for me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Fri Sep 8 22:52:46 2000
F25 in Ottawa, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Mandy
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
in the Yahoo directory under "online psychology experiments"
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Prof/Studies: Library Technician
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Bridge to Teribithia.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandFather, a few months ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 100.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our bodies no longer function. To some people, it is only
the end of our physical life: they feel there is a spiritual realm
that our soul or lifeforce passes into after our physical selves
are empty.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was only a child, but I think I understood completely that they
were gone: they were not sleeping, or away on a long trip. At the
same time, I still felt that the person was with me, in some way,
maybe as a guardian, or a guide.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the feeling that they had lived a very long, full life, and that
it was their time.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it needs to be better explained to children. They need honesty
and patience when this is explained to them.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I knew my greatgrandfather for such a very long time, and was
able to hear about his life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family and my boyfriend.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
watching my relatives suffer so much grief.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen very closely to everything they say, and tell them how much
you love them.
--[My Great GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
helped the rest of my family by hugging and listening.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
My mother, though dealing with a great deal of her own heavy grief,
talked with me and answered all my questions, and held me while we
cried together.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
I went to a Catholic school, and every morning we all stood up
and said prayers. We were asked if there was anybody we wanted
to remember in them, and for a week after my grandmother's death,
I asked that she be remembered. One day, one of my classmates
said that she thought we didn't need to pray for her anymore,
that I was just trying to get attention for myself.
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Fri Sep 8 19:46:12 2000
F31 in Cape Coral, Fl. =USA=
Name: Michelle
Email: <Meshele69=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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More personal info:
Any one who has lost a toddler to murder please feel free to
contact me.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: murder; Aged: 21monthes.
--Details:
She was murdered by someone I trusted, and I am yet to go to go to
trial and see this person punished for what they did.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the closing of one door and the opening of another.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
questioned what it meant.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my favorite great aunt died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the pain and the guilt for not being there to protect my baby. Also
the fact that I wouldn't see her grow up.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
understanding of the people who have lost the one they care about.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the time I got to spend with that person.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
writting my feelings down on paper.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
letting them go.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
eye contact if possible, if not just talking to them even if it
seems like they can't here you.
--[My Daughter's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
don't be afraid to cry, talk about that person, or remember them
every day. And also, be careful who you trust in this world, you
never know.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they told me my daughter was murdered.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was the only way to relief some of the stress and pain.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hear her say mommy one last time and see her look up at me with
her big blue eyes.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have the funeral paid for.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the nurse cut off a lock of my daughters hair for me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the material things of my daughters.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a little girl who reminds me of her.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be so happy to see her grow up into a beautiful women just
like I pictured.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why my baby?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scream.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and tried to find some reason in all of it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
confusion.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very true.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the saddness.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
looking at my daughter in casket looking like a doll.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the slowing down of breathing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
first there is intence pain and saddness. In some cases relief
that they won't have to suffer anymore. Then comes anger. Don't
feel that anything you feel is not normal, it is.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell her how much I love her and how much I will always
miss her. That she made my life great just by being in it even if it
was for such a short time...It would give me a little bit of closure.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
for me organ donation. I've told my mother I want to donate my
organs and this is my wish even though she may not agree with it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be scared...mainly of not knowing what to expect. But if
I died tomorrow I know my baby would be there waiting for me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have a photo of my daughter in her casket.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have made friends on the internet who are going through similar
situations as me. I feel I can tell them anything about how I feel
and they do not judge me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Everyone has inner strength we just need to learn how to access it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
My only child was murdered and you go through this stage of
disbelief.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
just good old fashioned support. Someone who would just listen and
not judge you. Someone willing to give you time and space when you
needed it without question.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It is always good to talk about how death or loss has affected
you. It kinda clears yours mind.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Ask people how they would feel if they lost some one to violence.
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Fri Sep 8 13:05:30 2000
F16 in , =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: drunk driving crash; Aged: 24.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is losing someone forever, and it is almost always sudden
with no chance for goodbyes
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very little and all i remember is how everyone was acting wierd
and i remember seeing his body in that casket
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was my great uncle who had been sick,
but he died an unrelated death - he drowned
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
all of his friends crying and it was a cool september day, the
funeral was outside but there were so many people and so many
tears that you couldnt hear the service, i remember the color of
the leaves the most, because i saved one
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is all in your head, if you believe in heaven than they
should be safe in god's arms, if you believe in reincarnation i
think they WILL come back to you somehow, someway. you just have
to have a good outlook
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
just being able to see him as he always - smiling
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
just knowing that he loved life and that he made the most he could
out of it in the short time he had
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the feeling of loss, the fact that holidays are now completely
different as is everything else that reminds me of him the fact
that i will never see his smile again
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
i have become so much more careful about what i do, but if you
dont take that advice from me, just remember to live life to it's
fullest, because you never know when your time is up and just make
it the best you possibly can
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it first happened, because all of the emotions flow in and you dont
know how to sort them or what to do with them, because your body,
mind and soul are on overload
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is the best cure ever, even though it is temporary it
really helps you to see light of it
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be that person who had influence on him, say hey bud, make sure
someone else drives whenever you have had even a drink - please
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
go to the funeral
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
his mother spoke of his hellraising at the funeral
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the quietness of most funerals, but at this one they told us just
funny stuff that he used to do
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i go by that stretch of highway, whenever i see the couch where
my clearest memory of him is whenever i go to a candlelight vigil
whenever i think that i should have done more
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would be going on with life just the same, but on thanksgiving
and at last weeks bonfire i would have seen him and he would have
been telling jokes
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that it was him, why wasnt it me, why
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have been in his place, i mean i dont have any desire to die,
but just how he did was horrible and i wouldnt have even been
drinking anyways
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
began to see what i could do to even make a difference in even
one person's life, because if someone had say - taken the keys we
would be making plans to have the families go out for thanksgiving
or something like we use to
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
there was nothing that they could do
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing at all
--Religious Affiliation:
past: methodist/orthodox
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i think that his spirit is probably having a hell of a time right
now, doing what he liked to do
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the fact that it was a 'double funeral' he and his best friend -
lived together, died together
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the finality.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
-
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
when my friend's mom was dying i just looked at as - she would
be released from this hell and hopefully be a happier, certainly
helathier person in her next life
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she talked to some family memebers who had been long deceased prior
to her death
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
a family friend once got in a horrid accident on an exit ramp in
winter and she is said to have had a talk with her dad and grandma
and they told her that it was not her time
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i just wish that we had talked more and that i could remember more
of the thousands of times that we were together
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would just want to talk and be able to know him better and
say goodbye
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
-
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
remember me as i am - happy, remember the times we shared the
smiles and all of the hugs, don't wish me back - just remember the
good times that we've shared and how much i loved life and all of
my friends
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i AM having a closed-casket i hope to die happy i mean i also always
try to make the best of everything, because why die mad at someone
or unfulfilled, live life to it's fullest
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
writing about it
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i am now much more adamant about SADD
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
-
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? The Funeral
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
a shoulder , everyone needs a shoulder
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
every little thing helps one another come to terms with it
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
something like - where do you think they went?are they happy? are
you happy if they are?
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Fri Sep 8 03:27:40 2000
F18 in Melbourne, Victoria =Australia=
Name: Megan
Email: <mlc_9=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
went throught yahoo, then surveys.
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: car crash; Aged: 21.
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--Death Is:
when we no longer live in this world and can not be seen by
anyone. Never again will we return or live again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasn't really fazed by it as i wasn't close to my great-grandmother
so it didn't really affected me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... the first person i remember dying was my
great grandmother when i was about 7 or 8.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
were friends being upset and crying over everything. Talking about
it helped them. Glenn's death didn't affected me as i only knew of
him but was not his friend.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my best fiends are always my greatest supports as they give me
advice when i need it or otherwise just listen to me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that i would never see them again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just be yourself so they can remember exactly who you were and not
who you pretended to be.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
all the praying and hymns.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
shut myself off from everyone and just spent time by myself.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
i felt sad during my grandfather's cancer 'cos i knew he was going
die but it was just about time.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. I'm not religous and do not believe in heaven.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
It's not even what you say to them. it's just being in their company,
so i know if i couls turn back time i would just like to see them
again even if nothing was said.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My own death is what i fear the most in the world. The not knowing of
what will happen and just the fact that you will, never ever be able
to live in this world is what makes me scared. And it doesn't matter
when or where i have this thought it always makes me uncomfortable
and afraid of my own death. I have had many encounters with death
however, as i have been very close to commiting suicide on many
occasions but i think the only thing stopping me was this fear.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Mon Sep 4 22:31:25 2000
F58 in Regina, Saskatchewan =Canada=
Name: Marie Farrell
Email: <mceachen=at=sk.sympatico.ca>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
pursuing knowledge on Death and wanted to have a clearer
understanding of Bardo
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Prof/Studies: Alternative Therapist
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Healing Grief/ Closer To the Light/ Final Gifts/ Love is the Link/The
Tunnel and the Light
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Van Praagh/ Brinkley/ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross/ Callanan/Kircher/
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 66.
--Details:
George was diagnosed in April after we had been in Arizonna for
the winter..he had gotten sick in the winter..he died Oct.22 of
the same year.
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--Death Is:
simply moving from one realm to another...move from a material
realm to a spiritual one.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wa never really upset as I did not have a close realtionship with
that person...I was too busy in my own world.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my Father died when I was a young Mother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
saying good by to my friend and opraying for her to make a peaceful
transistion.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to talk more about it and help the person accept their impending
passing over.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Made me realize just what is important in this life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own faith
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
saying goodbye
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
offer love and support
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have become a stronger more compassionate person
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I wanted him to be pain free yet be responsive
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it would be a realease of tension
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
fell more " soul connection" with him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
really learn to be more compassionate..more understanding than I
ever thought possible.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am so very grateful for the lessons that I have learnt sinse
he died
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would never have traveeled on the road of grieving and loss..which
I truly believe that was my path to learn.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was such a good human being
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I have come to terms with the reality that we will be together
soon.This lifetime is a stepping stone.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
asked my " Heavenly Father" for his love and support and to find
strength to go on from day to day
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
no support at all.In fact we were told that because he refused
Chemo that we could not have a counselor from Pall. Care. We were
punnished because we did not do what was expected of us!!!
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
None were involved,
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Our Minister was wonderful to us..I will not forget his compassion
and help.
--Religious Affiliation:
Past..United..current none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
We will all pass thru the same " Gate" ..what matters is how we have
loved and helped others. What we preceive our death to be it will be.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Glad when it was over and everyone was gone.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the feeling of complete helplessness
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
knowing when the body was shutting down
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
My low point was when I realized that he was going to die and there
would be no miracle
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
He saw people no doubt those who were going to take on his journey.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Love and support from him on a spiritual level
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have learnt to communicate with the spirit world and have gotton
messages from him on different occassions...he told me things that
I had forgot about...like " sky hawk " which was his radio name
and I had completley forgot about it. Messages of love and support.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Very important to discuss with family just what youre beliefs are
and what you want done with youre funeral...just love and accept
youre family.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am learning about death and am comfortable with it..talking about
it..not fearing it..realizing that I will be safe and loved on the
other side
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Saying his name and thanking him for all he did for me while he
was still here on earth. Rembering the happy times we had together.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am now a counsellor with Pall. Care and very active in trying
to open a Hospice in my city. Also I am an alternative therapist
teaching people to take control of their health. Which I would
not be doing if George had not paased over.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
after ..when the long winter set in.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I hope yhis will help others who might be going thru a difficult
time.
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Mon Sep 4 11:01:24 2000
F21 in Chicago, IL =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
through yahoo
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Prof/Studies: College Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 31.
--Details:
I guess she was very unhappy, but was able to hide it very well
from the family.
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--Death Is:
the body ceases to exist. Many believe that the soul, an
untouchable, unsseable aspect of a person, rises up and lives with
their God.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
shut down. I was only seven, and I had never experienced feelings
like that before. I did not know how to deal with them, so I simply
ignored them.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather passed on due to an aneurysm burst in his brain.
My mother explained fairly well to me what happened but at that age
(7) I really did not fully understand what was going on.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
why? My cousin's death was hard for to reasons. First, my family
is close. Second, we were raised that suicide is not an optional way
of dying. I hate how suicide leaves so many unanswered questions.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is individual for everyone. Each person deals in a different
way and each person has something different that they need to learn
about death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
relief from the pain my aunt was suffering. She died from cancer.
Death was the only thing that was able to take away the pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
questioning why it happens.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
that it means a lot to them to know that they are loved. No one
should have to die alone.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my cousin killed herself. I still do not fully understand it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I have never done that, but I think some people do it to relieve
them from some of the stress they are feeling.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my family how much I loved them and spent more time with them.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
bringing food to the home after a funeral. I have never understood
that.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see things that remind me of them...pictures, places, etc.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would make sure that my cousin got help for her depression,
so that she would not have to kill herself.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my family has had to loose so many people. Why?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
make them come back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
slowly learned to accept it. I learned that its a processn--
a very difficult and slow process.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
pretty positive.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
extremely wonderful. Hospice is a wonderful organtization for
those with cancer.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
very little.
--Religious Affiliation:
My father's side is Luthern, my mother's side is Baptist, and I
was raised in an unreligious home.
--Regarding MONEY:
eveyone was civil and courteous.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing the person in the casket. I am now an adult, but everytime
I see the person I wish and pray that they will move or sit up.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
it depends on how the person is dying. Cancer has some very specific
signs, which I have seen. While suicide can be quite confusing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it never ends. First, there is disbelief, then anger, and finally
a slow acceptance. A day rarely goes by that I don't think about
the people that I have lost in my life. The scenes that I have
seen through the years never go away.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my aunt, who died of cancer, experienced a real calm or peace just
before she died. She looked to my family as if to ask if it was
alright for her to go, then silently slipped away.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I never had any real unresolved issues, but I feel horrible that
I did not or could not help my cousin.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope to hear my cousin say that she is happy now, although
she is sad that she hurt all of the family that she left behind.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
The only strange encounter I had was several days after my cousin
committed suicide. I was asleep at my home when I heard someone
yell "Help Me". I thought that I was in that stange when you are
not asleep and not awake. My bedroom door was closed and I honestly
thought that it was my mother. I would have just gone back to sleep,
but the person was frantic and extremely upset and hurting. I got
up and opened the door. Everything was quite in my home and everyone
was perfectly asleep. I really believe I heard something that night.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I really want my body to be donated to those who need it, like a
heart transplant, etc. Although my mother doesn't like the idea,
I want others to have a chance.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have thought about death. I wonder if I will die like some of
my family. Because of that I try to live each day to the fullest,
and enjoy myself.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I just like to remember the person. Looking at pictures and talking
about them.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was pretty good. Obviuosly it was somewhat depressing because
it made me think of those that are gone now.
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See Aug 00 contributions.
See Jul 00 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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