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See Current contributions.
See Jul 00 contributions.
See Jun 00 contributions.
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Mon Jul 31 10:23:14 2000
M14 in New York City, NY =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Self (impending), 3 ago.
Cause of Death: i dont know; Aged: i dont know.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did nothing
--That first time, how it happened was
My aunt who lived in Switzerland died and i didnt really care
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
her chihuahuas
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Keeping Busy
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Mon Jul 31 05:47:27 2000
F53 in , Massachusetts ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Pagan Book of Living and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Starhawk
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: sudden heart attack; Aged: 56.
--Details:
After fending off cancer for 5 years, we never expected this
death. there were no goodbyes possible. against doctor's orders,
he was swimming to try and regain what he had lost as an athlete.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a ripping out of our lives the loved one, bringing a ground shift in
consciousness about the fragility of life. It is a forced movement
into understanding the relationship between existence on this plane
and a tranformation to another
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not have to tools to process the knowledge
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...gunshot accident
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The sense of the person moving away , further and further from
me, into a place where I can never find him again while i live.
At first this was unbelievable
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
its inevitability, and how the survivors can find a way to process
the loss
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
realizing I was deeply loved, and (two things) solidifying my
belief that death is a tranformation to another state
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a spiritual and ritual circle that allowed me to believe the person
I lost was OK
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
regret and guilt for all the unsaid emotions, for all the little
kindnesses I didnt do while he was alive and that I can never do now
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
2 to 3 months after
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
there was a rush of heightened emotion and I was carried on it
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye while he was alive
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend time with him in the ER just after he died; I was left alone
in the ER area to pray and cry and say farewells
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we obtained the cooperation of the cemetery to have a pile of dirt
by the graveside; many people threw in a handful of dirt and a
flower, it was really important
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the actual embalmed corpse was meaningless to me, a shell, without
any spirit left.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I come home to an empty house after work; where is the one I had
plans with? I find his letters to me around
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
iF I HAD EVEN A HALF HOUR, I WOULD RUB HIS SWEATY HEAD like he had
asked...and we would have NO VACATION DAYS left, we'd spend every
one, playing. We would live by the water, like he'd always wanted,
and I would not worry and fret about money. Hah. How do you change
patterns, given another chance???
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I tried to learn from my brothers death a month earlier than my
husbands...I came back from my brother's funeral ready to truly
live , to do it now with my husband..there was no time to do that,
he died the next month....what is the point of a life's lesson if
it is TOO LATE?????
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go and be with him. People say this life will be over in the blink
of an eye. But I think I have some more to do herer. Still, second
choice would be to run away to Wales and join a choir.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sought out the guidance of a therapist to get me through the
awful pain
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
such anger, at the HMO primary care doctor who misdiagnosed him,
just a lazy stupid slob. My husband was dead 4 days after visiting
the doctor with symptoms... but his brain specialist was excellent
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
we didnt use it; I wish we had gone to a support group
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the Unitarian minister was very flexible and included earth based
spirituality in the service; we used the beautiful Unitarian church
and my friends gave great support
--Religious Affiliation:
Unitarian/U
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
realistic...everyone has a little glimpse of the Deeper soul
--Regarding MONEY:
I wouldnt let him retire young because I was frightened, especially
after he desperately wanted and we bought an SUV that strained
our resources
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
What a ripoff financially, clumsy unaware people at the funeral
Home, misspelled everything; but everywhere I found kindness.
So many people came to his funeral, it was an honor
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how I never never knew how much my husband meant to me til I was
shattered by his death!
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
sadness
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Issues of our complex relationship and my continuing love for him,
even though he is dead...lots of guilt I didnt save him , didnt
see it coming, wasnt more generous. All being worked on in sessions
wiht a therapist
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I visited my husband in a meditation on a sunny hillside path;
he didnt talk to me much, or look, or feel very connected, but i
gathered that he was now "running with the Dogs of God"..He was
an avid runner who couldnt in this life, after his cancer, so he
was happy... I would like to tell him i love him, but I suppose
he knows. Mostly what I'd like would be non-verbal.....but with
his body gone, how can I touch him tenderly again?????
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
In the first two weeks of despair and weeping, a great sense of
kind warm caring would suddenly come to me, and I would calm down
immensely. I often feel my husbands hand in mine, while walking on
a certain stretch of road;' and that he is sitting in the passenger
seat of the car..No words, just a sense. I was sitting on a bench
near the lawyer's office, despondent and exhausted, with my eyes
closed; I realized I was at my husband (Peter) and his father's
union hall, and I began thinking about him coming there; i openbed
my eyes and a truck side passsed with a smiling man that had written
on it "Pete's Best".. I laughed out loud, it felt like a message
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
absolutely...I am afraid I wont be brave
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
A meditation circle in which we read passages of a pagan rite to
help him pass over ; I saw moving water and a ship; others said
he was OK, and I realized again that I had forgotten , that he was
merely tranformed. Oh yes, that's right. Then I forget again and
am grieving
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
family denial of emotion was least helpful; this became a frightening
event
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
thanks, it is good to put in words some of the strains of thinking
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I want to know what othes have come to understand about how the
survivor goes on...
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Sat Jul 29 20:41:50 2000
F47 in Cotati, CA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
When a Lifemate Dies, Stories of Love, Loss & Healing
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Edited by Susan Heinlein, Grace Brumett & Jane-Ellen Tibbals
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 2 1/2 years ago.
Cause of Death: AIDS; Aged: 45.
--Details:
He had been HIV positive for 13 years, sick during the last
three years. The protease inhibitors stopped working for him, he
contracted an opportunistic virus that settled in his brain and he
died within six weeks of showing symptoms.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
like a huge hole in my life. I felt as if half of me was torn away
and the rest was hanging in tatters.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was surprised. I thought he would just close his eyes and stop
breathing, but he fought for his final breaths, and his eyes
never closed. After his death, his face was grotesque, with
his eyes half open and his mouth hanging limp. I tried to close
his eyes and I couldn't. It wasn't like in the movies, where the
person looks at peace, and the person with him kisses and hugs him.
I felt that my husband was instantly gone, that his body laying
there didn't have anything to do with him.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My husband died of AIDS
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
loss, emptiness, the love from our family, not knowing where he was
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is a part of life. That there IS peace afterwards for both
the person who dies and the people left behind.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I'm not really afraid of facing it any more.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Family, their love and support. In the weeks and months afterwards,
a website called WidowNet was invaluable to me. It was just other
widows and widowers pouring their hearts out and supporting each
other in different stages of grief. It helped me more than anything.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The loss of the close relationship, the loss of a friend, the loss
of my life as I knew it, the loss of my status as a wife, the loss
of my identity as my husband knew me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
extreme gratitude. We were lucky to have wonderful doctors and
caregivers. One thing about having AIDS is that there is a lot of
community support,which was very helpful.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Extreme gratitude. They guided our family through a very sad,
scary and bewildering time. And they did it with a professionalism
and compassion and really love. Amazing people!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
more support
--Religious Affiliation:
Buddhist/Catholic
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
support. Comfort in knowing how my husband had touched so many
people
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Chayne-Stoke breathing
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was important to let myself grieve fully, to cry as much as I
wanted and as often as I wanted.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Neither my husband nor I believed in this kind of visitation, but I
found myself after his death wanting badly to believe. One night
about six months after his death, I begged him while I was laying
in bed, that if he was still there and it was really possible,
to give me some sign that he was there. Within about two minutes,
one of my dog's toys that makes kind of a screaming monkey sound,
that I had just seen laying on the floor in the upstairs hallway,
went off with the monkey scream downstairs in the living room.
My dog was right next to me and no one else was in the house. Also
the toy never made a sound again after that. It seems like such
an odd way to communicate, but it was just too much of a coincidence.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
It would have been much harder without family support
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Fri Jul 28 22:48:14 2000
F35 in , ==
Name: Kathryn
Email: <beachkat=at=usa.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Antiques Dealer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 7 mths ago.
Cause of Death: no known cause; Aged: 10 wks.
--Details:
I was pregnant and had a miscarriage at around 10 weeks. I had some
spotting the Dr said not to worry about and then one morning I woke
up with terrible back pain. My husband took me to the hospital
and at first they said everything was fine, then they came back
after some tests and told me the baby was dead and I was having
a miscarriage. Go home, rest, and call us if you run a fever.
Go see your Dr in a few days. End of story, end of pregnancy,
end of baby. Except it isn't. People are so afraid to be
unhappy that no one ever wants to mourn a baby who wasn't born.
I cried, I had nightmares, I heard him crying for me late at night.
Everyone else (my friends and family) just kept asking if I was
physically okay. No one mentioned him, asked about or said or did
anything to remember him. It is like he never existed. I still
hurt so bad that some nights it feels like I am breathing broken
glass and everyone else just pretends it never happened. I feel
like I cannot stop mourning him or no one will remember he existed.
How is that for an enlightened attitude about death?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
very painful for everyone who is left alive.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried because they were leaving and never coming back, but I did
not understand what dying actually meant.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My greatgrandfather died. I was not allowed
to attend the funeral. (I was 5 and my parents thought I was too
young) For years after I felt he would think I did not love him
because I was not there to say goodbye. (I didn't have a very
clear understanding of what being dead meant)
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the anger I felt at myself, at my husband, at the entire world
because it would not stop and just acknowledge that my baby had
lived, even if only for a short time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Enduring it alone. Every other time a friend or relative has
died I have had family to comfort and be comforted by. With my
baby no one else felt the loss and was willing to acknowledge it.
In addition with this death not only did I lose a child, but I lost
the promise of a child. His first smile, holding him, the feeling
you get when you hold your newborn, his first words, seeing him
play and grow up with his sister...
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I thought I was getting better and coming to terms with the baby's
death and from nowhere I got hit with as much pain as when it first
happened. This still happens to me, one minute everything is a
okay as it can be and the next I am crying and cannot seem to stop.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was insane? I would laugh in the midst of crying. I would feel
like whatever part of me was normal was just slipping away...like
I was coming unraveled around the edges.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Just hold my baby for a few moments. I know it is impossible but
it tears me apart that he never knew what it was like to have his
parents hold him close...that I never got to hold him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Have it happen natually. Many women end up in the hospital and
while it was bad to have it at home at least physically I did heal.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a newborn, or a small child. A few weeks ago I picked up
my little niece to hug her. She is very tiny and for just a brief
few moments she felt so much like a little baby. After they left
I cried all night.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Hahahahaha. No. I can't go here. This is the sort of fantasizing
that leads to laughing while crying and wondering if I am losing
my mind.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It's just not fair that he died before he ever had a chance to live.
It's just not fair that no one even wants to remember he existed.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stand on the street and scream, over and over, till everyone
acknowledged him and mourned his death.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Hahahahaha. Go home and rest. Yes you are fine, the baby is
fine..OOPs..wrong..we goofed..the baby is dead. Get dressed and
go home.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Very little. The minister at my husband's grandmothers church
likes to say bad things are sent to get our attention..to teach
us to be humble. (Ha!) Wonderful view of God isnt it? I believe
if humility was the point of it then I learned very well. Oh,
and there are the nights when I get really scared and even though
I hate myself for doing it I sit outside my daughters room and I
pray that whatever god is out there will not take her away too.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was a Methodist (is there such a thing as a lapsed Methodist?)
--Regarding MONEY:
We are still paying the hospital bill. The company my husband worked
for at the time went bankrupt recently and it was discovered there
were problems with the insurance, so we are stuck with the bill.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think that is my problem. I had no way to resolve anything and
it hurts that he never knew how much he was loved.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I would wake up at night and hear the baby crying for me.
On Christmas eve we attended midnight candlelight services and I
heard him calling "Mommy". (yes, that was a bad night)
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Ha hahahah. I am alive because I chose to be. I have a five
year old and a husband who need me and while I wanted to die to be
with the baby I could not leave them. (yes it sounds insane but
you asked) As for actually dying...I have no idea. I used to be
terrified of it but now I just...dont know.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was very painful but I actually feel a little better for having
said some of the things.
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Fri Jul 28 18:16:33 2000
F15 in Miami, Florida =USA=
Name: Stephanie
Email: <Step_on_me123=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: High School Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: stroke/ cardiac arrest; Aged: 76.
--Details:
He had a stroke in August of 1999 and he never truly recovered.
In May of 2000 he passed away at the age of 76, surrounded by
family at a hospital/rehabilitation center. His death occured by
cardiac arrest.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a horrible experience. It is when the physical part of the body
wears down and stops functioning. The spirit tho goes to purgatory
where it is judged as to whether or not the spirit deserves to go
to heaven or hell depending on how the person lived his/her life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 15 years of age. It is the worst experience of my life.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My grandfather had a stroke in August of 1999.
He was placed in a rehabilitation center from November until his
death in May of 2000. His death occured by cardiac arrest.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my grandmother and great-aunt(my grandfather(who died)'s sister)
leading me to the casket in the chapel of my church and knealing
down and leaning on the casket crying. It was the most painful
part of the entire funeral.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is not the end... It is just the begining. While it is very
painful for those of us left on earth the people who died are in
ecstasy enjoying an eternity with our Lord.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I realized how much I should pay more attention to all my family.
I also realized how precious life is.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My Lord and my friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
regrets and longing for them
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Pray over them
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am trying to praise god more
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
He actually passed away and i was told about it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him one more time how much i love Papsie
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see him one more time
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
someone mentions him
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We will be in pure ectasy with all our loved ones and we will never
be sad or angry again
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that im still alive and he is gone
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
leave all my thoughts of him somewhere else...or at least all my
thoughts of his death.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
still havent truly understood what happened even tho it's 2 months
later. It's still surreal that i will never see my grandfather
again.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
horrible, irresponsible doctors who could have saved my
grandfather. They misdiagnosed the classic signs of a mini-stroke.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
help and spiritual guidance
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like ectasy. we will spend eternity with our loved ones and our lord
--Regarding MONEY:
it was extremely expensive
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how wonderful everyone was
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
u have to deal with it on your own or with god
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none...couldn't speak
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
no i have not thought a lot about my own death because i prefer to
dwell on positive things.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
Two months later the pain is still just as strong whenever anyone
mentions him
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me voice my feelings on death..i feel like if a load has
been lifted off my shoulders
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Fri Jul 28 14:04:52 2000
Anonymous Guest in Wisconsin
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: heart fauliure; Aged: 62.
--Details:
She didnt take care of herself. She kept on smoking when the
dactors told her not to.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...A kid tried to drown me at the local pool.. I
came close to unconsiosness when my mom came and wupped his but.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
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Wed Jul 26 13:36:35 2000
F19 in hattiesburg, ms =usa=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Prof/Studies: waitress/psychology major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer, etc.; Aged: 73.
--Details:
It was awful to see him at the end.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
leaving one world to go to another.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in shock.
--That first time, how it happened was
My best friend was accidentally shot.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
confusion.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
it's really a lot of those things listed
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Sat Jul 22 11:28:17 2000
F50 in CHARLOTTE, NC =USA=
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Prof/Studies: PROGRAM COORDINATOR
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
ON DEATH AND DYING
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
E. KUBLER-ROSS
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: CANCER; Aged: 85.
--Details:
MY MOTHER LIVED OUT OF STATE; I BROUGHT HER TO LIVE WITH ME AND
4 MONTHS LATER SHE WAS DIAGNOSED AD TERMINALLY ILL. SHE LIVED
5 MONTHS. I KEPT HER AT MY APT. AND HOSPICE WAS INVALUABLE.
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--Death Is:
AND END AND A BEGINNING
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
WAS PROBABLY 10; IT WAS MY GRANDMOTHER; I REALLY DON'T REMEMBER IT
WELL AT ALL.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...IT WAS MY GRANDMOTHER - MY MOM'S MOTHER.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
MY MOTHER BEING VERY SAD---NOW THAT I HAVE LOST HER, I KNOW WHAT
SHE FELT....I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO CONNECTION..I KNOW I HAVE MY
CHILDREN AND TWO GRANDDAUGHTERS...BUT NO PAST..
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
TO TREASURE PEOPLE WHILE THEY ARE HERE..TOO OFTEN THERE ISN'T TIME
TO ENJOY AND TALK WITH THOSE WHO MATTER MOST..THEN, WHEN THEY ARE
GONE, WE WISH WE HAD SPENT MORE TIME/ASKED MORE QUESTIONS...
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
THAT MY ONE PRAYER WAS GRANTED...I HAD TO CONTINUE WORKING AND I
PRAYED THAT MY MOM WOULD NOT DIE WITHOUT ME BEING THERE.....THE NURSE
CALLED AT WORK AND SAID I NEEDED TO RETURN HOME...MY MOM HAD LAPSED
INTO A COMA. WHEN I WALKED INTO THE APT. AND CAME TO HER DOOR,
SHE TURNED HER HEAD AND LOOKED AT ME...I SAT ON THE BED AND HELD
HER IN MY ARMS FOR MAYBE FOUR HOURS OR SO...SHE NEVER SPOKE A WORD
BUT I KNOW THAT SHE KNEW I WAS THERE...SHE DIED IN MY ARMS. THAT
WAS DEATH'S PRECIOUS GIFT TO ME.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I AM WHITE; FEMALE; LATE 40'S THEN---I WORKED IN THE PRISON SYSTEM
WITH ADULT MALE FELONS. SEVERAL OF THE BLACK INMATES ON THE UNIT
HAD MET MY MOM AT AN ON-UNIT RELIGIOUS SERVICE..THEY TOLD ME SHE
WOULD NEVER BE GONE BECAUSE SO MUCH OF HER WAS IN ME...THAT I NEEDED
TO REJOICE NOT GRIEVE...
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
LETTING GO..HOSPICE TOLD ME I NEEDED TO ACCEPT HER DEATH BEFORE SHE
WOULD BE ABLE TO LET GO...THAT SHE NEEDED TO KNOW I "WOULD BE OK"
BEFORE SHE WOULD BE ABLE TO GO...THE HARDEST THING I EVER DID WAS
BE ABLE TO TALK WITH HER/TELL HER I WAS OK AND IT WAS OK FOR HER
TO DIE....ONE PART OF ME FELT LIKE I WAS PUSHING HER TO DIE BUT I
KNEW SHE WAS IN PAIN/COULD NOT LIVE OR RECOVER/AND THAT THE MOST
UNSELFISH THING I COULD DO WAS LET HER KNOW IT WAS OK TO LEAVE ME.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
TO KNOW THE PERSON YOU LOVE LOVES YOU ENOUGH TO BE WITH YOU AND TO
ALSO LET YOU GO.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
GREW....I TOOK CARE OF MY MOTHER---BATHED, CLEANED, TREATED BED
SORES, EMPTIED URINE BAGS...SO MANY THINGS THAT I NEVER THOUGHT
I WOULD EVER BE ABLE TO DO...I FULLY CAME TO BELIEVE "GOD NEVER
PUTS ON US MORE THAN WE CAN BEAR"....I NOW KNOW THAT I CAN HANDLE
ANYTHING...THERE ARE THINGS I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH,
BUT I KNOW I CAN..BECAUSE I DEALT WITH ALL THAT AND MADE IT TROUGH.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I WAS TORN BETWEEN STAYING WITH MY MOM ALL THE TIME AND
CONTINUING TO WORK..I FELT AN OBLIGATION TO WORK BUT I WANTED TO BE
THERE...PROBABLY, I WOULD NOT HAVE "MADE IT" IF I HAD NOT CONTINUED
TO WORK BECAUSE THAT GAVE ME THE "BREAK" THAT I NEEDED TO MAINTAIN
MY SANITY AND BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THE THINGS I NEEDED TO
DEAL WITH.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I WAS HAPPY THAT SHE WAS NOT IN PAIN ANY LONGER...BECAUSE THERE
WAS PAIN AND SHE WOULD NOT TAKE THE MEDICATION FOR IT.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
TAKE HER ON VACATION, SPEND MORE TIME WITH HER, TELL HER I LOVED
HER ONE MORE TIME....
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
HAVE HER WITH ME--HAVE HER IN MY ARMS WHEN SHE STOPPED BREATHING
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME THAT I WOULD HAVE CALLED TO SHARE WITH MY
MOM..AND I REALIZE ALL OVER AGAIN THAT I CAN'T CALL.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I WOULD HAVE HUGGED HER MORE OFTEN, SPENT MORE TIME WITH HER, TAKEN
HER TO PARKS....ASKED HER TO TELL ME MORE STORIES ABOUT THE PAST
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
THAT MY MOMMY IS GOING TO DIE
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
HOLD HER HAND ONE MORE TIME
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I THINK IT TOOK ME MONTHS TO REALLY COME TO TERMS WITH HER DEATH.
EVEN THOUGH I WAS THERE - BECAUSE I HAD SPENT YEARS LIVING IN OTHER
STATES, I WOULD ALMOST PRETEND THAT NOTHING HAD HAPPENED..SHE WAS
BACK HOME AND I WOULD SEE HER WHEN I WENT TO VISIT. IT TOOK ME 3
MONTHS TO GO BACK TO THE HOUSE SHE LIVED---OVER A YEAR TO GET THE
CAR SHE LEFT ME OUT OF THE GARAGE AT HER HOUSE AND BRING IT TO MY
APT...ANOTHER 2 MONTHS TO DRIVE IT....I DID AND DO STILL LIVE AT MY
APT. WHERE SHE DIED. I KNOW SHE IS GONE..BUT PROBABLY SOME SMALL
PART OF ME STILL LIKES TO BELIEVE SHE IS BACK HOME AND I WILL SEE
HER THE NEXT TIME I GO TO VISIT.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
TOTAL APPRECIATION...HER DOCTOR WAS WONDERFUL...HE WAS SOFT SPOKEN,
TOLD US THE TRUTH; HOSPICE WAS GREAT.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
EVERYONE SHOULD CONSIDER HOSPICE DURING THE DEATH OF A LOVED
ONE...THEY TRAINED ME IN HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HER..THEY TALKED WITH
ME, MY TWO DAUGHTERS...THEY STRESSED KEEPING MY LIFE NORMAL AND
GETTING OUT...THEY WERE ANGELS.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I GREW UP IN A FREEWILL BAPTIST HOME....MY PARENTS ALWAYS WENT
TO CHURCH AND MY MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME SHE WAS READY TO GO...SHE
TRULY BELIEVED IN GOD. I, TOO, BELIEVE IN GOD. I KNOW MY MOTHER
IS WATCHING OVER ME...I FEEL HER PRESENCE.
--Religious Affiliation:
I AM BAPTIST...I BELIEVE IN GOD...I DON'T ATTEND CHURCH...I AM NOT
A CHRISTAIN BUT MANY PEOPLE THINK I AM..JUST BECAUSE OF THE WAY I
BELIEVE/TALK/ACT...IT IS JUST WHO I AM...
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
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Fri Jul 21 07:09:56 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--Death Is:
never being able to hug that person, or hear their voice ever again.
It changes your personality a piece of you dies too (forever)
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked, and scared.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...suicide.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Comfort in others' support.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That the louder you scream, doesn't mean you care the most.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that our past creates our future. I am very happy now so I guess
I wouldn't change the past except to replace my father.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Immediate Family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
People asking why or how my father died or just assuming both
parents were alive
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
my mother and my sisters and brothers stuck together and pulled
through.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
aunt's uncles, were terrible also friends who wanted to gossip
about the suicide
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Thu Jul 20 21:09:23 2000
F26 in Kalamazoo, MI =USA=
Name: Christine
Email: <chrisbroberg=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: funeral director, mom
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: a heart attack; Aged: 71.
--Details:
My grandpa died suddenly. He was playing raquetball, just like
every other Wednesday morning. He won the first game, and was
reveling in his win when he went into cardiac arrest. He was dead
before he hit the floor.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our bodies stop working.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was nine years old. I remember having lots of questions, but I
don't remember feeling sad.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...Phil, "Uncle Film" died from cancer when I
was 9 years old. I went to the memorial service with my parents.
There wasn't a body present, because he was cremated. I don't
really remember being sad, I just remember taking his wife "Aunt
Sarah" a red rose.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being sad that the last time I talked with my grandpa I didn't say "I
love you". I also remember being heart broken for my mom, because her
relationship with her dad had been strained over the last few years.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to handle people who have just lost a loved one.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how our family has pulled together and become closer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being active in the funeral service. I am a licensed funeral
director, and being able to provide my services to my family brought
great comfort to me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the sudden emptiness where the person use to be.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
n/a
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
stood up to the funaral diretors at the funeral home, when they
were trying to make decisions for my grandpa's wife. I told them
that this service was for our family, and we wanted things our way,
not their way. I explain how my grandfather was prominent person in
his town, and we would not allow just the "normal" way to happen.
We wanted certain things about the visitation and service to be very
unique and personal. I don't think the directors were very happy
with me, but as a licensed director, I knew what they were trying
to do way make my grandfather's service convienent for them, not us.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was first informed of the death. All my emotions ran together.
I did feel like I knew which way was up.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
grandpa would have been upset if I hadn't laughed.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
just spend more time with grandpa. We lived in different cities.
My oldest daughter has many memories of great-grandpa, but my
youngest won't remember him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be a great big part of the funeral service.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
so many of my cousins were out of town or just seemed to busy to
come to the visitation and funeral.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
all the flower arrangements. I would give all the memorial
contributions and flowers back for just one more hour with my
grandpa.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a picture. Or talk to my mom about him, or remember a funny
story.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think about this.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I never felt this way, because my grandpa's death was exactly like
he always said he wanted it. Fast, painless and unexpected.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
I don't feel this way.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was very very sad, and I am still very very sad.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
was important to my family, my grandpa, but not to me personally.
I am happy that the church was there for us.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I think we would be closed minded not to believe we have a "spirit"
or "soul" that goes somewhere or does something after death.
I just don't know what I think exactly happens. I like to believe
in the idea of heaven.
--Regarding MONEY:
money was not an issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the funeral home's two-faced attitude towards me.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
n/a
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
don't know, but I like to believe that my great gramma, my grandpa's
mom was there with him. She died many years ago, but he died on
her birthday.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have some issues with my grandpa's wife, but I don't know that
these are issues, that will ever be resolved. She was his second
wife, and not my grandmother, so I don't have to deal with her
anymore.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love him, and I hope he will look out for me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I don't know if my grandpa actually visited in my dreams, but for
several days after he died. I had dreams where all the fun stuff
we together was played over and over like a movie.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think funerals are for the living. Although I believe a lot of
things families do are done because that is what the deceased would
have wanted. I believe that what the living need to cope is more
important that what the deceased wanted.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am comfortable with death. I am comfortable with my own death.
If I knew I was going to die, I would do whatever I could to make
sure my children will be ok after I am gone. I have only one
request about my death. I hope that my children are old enough to
support themselves, and don't live at home, so they don't need a
mommy anymore.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I was active in the funeral service. Sort of my way of saying good
bye to grandpa.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
n/a
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My relationship with one of my cousins is becoming stronger.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
I was extremely interested in the funeral home and the what the
funeral directors did. I asked lots of questions which helped ease
the anxiety I was feeling.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I was glad I was able to do some of the funeral stuff. I felt
that my family was grateful to have someone close who knew what
was expected in terms of planning a visitation and funeral.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think this questionaire helps to express feelings, but I don't
know that I was "moved" by writing about my death feelings. But
please understand, I work with death for a living, and I probably
have a greater appreciation for death then the average person.
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Tue Jul 18 19:44:21 2000
F31 in Philadelphia, PA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
searched for the word Grief
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 7 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: ruptured aneurysm in brain; Aged: 63.
--Details:
Mom was completely healthy and health-conscious. She had gone to
aerobics class like she did 6 days per week and collapsed afterward
while doing her arm exercises. She passed out then had a seizure.
She initially regained consciousness but then the aneurysm re-bled
and she lost consciousness again. She had surgery and was in a
coma and died of brain death 5 days later.
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--Death Is:
the time when out physical body no longer functions and our spiritual
self or soul goes on to the next realm that we as humans don't
understand very well. Since we don't understand the next realm
very well, we experience tremendous grief at the death of someone
we love because they (there physical presence) is no longer there.
We can't see them or talk with them so we suffer the loss of the
relationship. Many believe that they are still with us in spirit but
since we can't see them or hear them etc......we question whether
their really is this spiritual self that lives on. We hope that
there is and it is comforting to think there is because then there
is the hope of a reunion upon the physical death of our own bodies.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
thought I hadn't prayed hard enough or that God didn't listen to
my prayers. I felt very let down and did not understand initially
that if you are very sick sometimes death is relief from suffering.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was the death of my Grandpa (my Mom's Dad).
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
is the tremendous gut-wrenching feeling of loss and
hopelessness........I feel like someone keeps punching me and
ripping out my guts over and over again. It keeps hitting me....the
reality that she is really gone.....over and over and it's aweful.
I feel so lost and alone.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to accept it as reality for us all to talk about it more often
when it happens to someone close to us to not be afraid to talk
about it with those around us who have experienced this loss to
be more open about the emotions it provokes and not to think of
it as failure of modern medicine
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it has given me great empathy and compassion that I would not have
otherwise had. To experience grief like this helps me understand
others in a way I could not before. It has also strengthened my
faith and reminded me of why we are here in the first place (not
saying I know why exactly but it just really reminds you of what
is important in your life and teaches you not to take it for granted)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family, immediate and extended who knew my Mom and loved her
like I did
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss of my best friend and confidant and guide who also happened
to be my Mom and loved me more than anybody and who I loved more
than anybody
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
My Mom was in a coma but I think she still knew we were there. Being
there is so important. She herself always said that no one should
die alone. It is comforting to the person dying to be surrounded by
loved ones.....may we all have this privelage to die surrounded and
supported by those we love the most. We sang to my Mom....played
her favorite CD....read her her favorite poems....read to her
from the Bible.....prayed for her and in her presence.....talked
to her.....told her we loved her........hugged her.....kissed
her.......held her hands....stroked her body................
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have learned that talking about this loss is of utmost
importance..........celebrated her life.......talk about her.....it's
OK......people seem uncomfortable but it's just because they don't
know what to say so you talk instead......talk about you Mom.......it
makes her continued presence feel real......it makes you smile
again which you thought you'd forgotten how to do........celebrate
her life......honor her with your own.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the reality of the fact that she was going to die hit me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to my Mom about the career change I was in the midst of
planning........couldn't get her on the phone the two-three days
prior to her collapse and this is what I wanted to discuss with
her so much........I know that she would have thought it was great
and perfect for me but I wish I could have heard her say it so it
would give me a sense to move on with it now. Luckily she knew
how much we loved and love her and I hope somehow that she knows
how she was surrounded those last few days.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with her in the hospital as much as they would let me into
the ICU I am so thankful I was able to put together the best
"visitation" I've ever been to........no wake.....no casket....no
funeral home.....but rather a lovely place at the church for friends
and family to come and pay their respects to us........I made three
huge collages of pictures of her......all were happy times and each
collage was on a separate table and surrounded by flowers.....I
also brought all the good framed pictures from home that had her
in them. People looked at these photos while in line to talk to
us and they celebrated her life!! It was wonderful.....we played
her favorite CD of piano hymns. Also, somehow we put together a
funeral service that was perfect and the most beautiful I've ever
been to so much so that I felt happy because it truly celebrated
her life.....I was so proud of her life and proud of how we were
able to honor it....with music from people she loved......words from
many people she loved at work.....words from family that my cousin
was able to gather from us all and speak so well for us......and
words from our pastor who knew and loved Mom so well he could also
really honor her life and celebrated it......I don't know how we
pulled it all off in a day and a half but we did. I'm also glad we
buried her at her home church where she was baptized, confirmed,
attended all through her childhood and where she married my Dad.
Her parents and both sets of grandparents are there too. To go
back any further in her family you would have to go to Norway!
It too was the right decision.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I still cry all the time and it's completely unpredictable so I
don't think I should answer this question
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We would be the lucky, beautiful, awesome, close family we've always
been....and I would have gotten to talk to Mom about my new career
direction and would feel excited about it and motivated and would
look forward to our trip planned in August and would look forward
to telling Mom some day that I'd met someone and later that I was
getting married.. Life would be moving on as planned and it would
be beautiful like it was......we had such a beautiful relationship
which I always cherished and we would be continuing on like we
were before happy in the knowledge of the love we feel for each
other.........happy in each others triumphs and supportive in each
others downfalls....... Wow
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I had to lose my Mom before I got married before I've even met the
person I might marry. How could anyone possibly understand if they
never got to know her......how can .... It's just not fair that
my children won't know her and that I won't have her here for all
those really huge things that I wanted so much I realize now mostly
so I could share them with her.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scream or hit something force it to not be true this would of
course be futile
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt and feel miserable. I'm depressed and don't know where to go
from here.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
support around the time of death is of utmost importance from all
and nurses and doctors and other members of the medical community
can be extremely valuable
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
getting tremendous support from the pastor of our church and from
my brother's church......they experienced this with us and prayed
with us and were just there with us....this was profoundly important
--Religious Affiliation:
baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I believe in a much broader view of Spirit but it is difficult to
describe in words and I believe transcends our understanding mostly
because of need to personify things
--Regarding MONEY:
undertakers are weasels (don't know if I spelled that correctly)
What a riduculous racket it all is!!!! And they try to "guilt"
you in to the more expensive things as if any of it really matters at
all......their body is dead and needs to be buried......we are not
going to dig it up and she is not there so back off..........even
with that attitude you still get ripped off....it's ridiculous!
The death benefit from social security is $200 and some
dollars.......pathetic.......obviously the expenses are in the
several thousand range.......thank goodness for life insurance and
brothers with good jobs. Dad won't get any of Mom's SS benefit
because his will be greater than hers would have been. Gave money
her whole life and no one in her family sees a dime unless they are
on welfare or have illigitimate kids.......well her children are all
OK and doing pretty well so I guess we don't need the government's
money but Dad was pretty upset that she payed her whole adult life
and now it goes to someone else.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was perfect
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
hearing music in her room when the CD player wasn't on and even
checking to make sure it wasn't on because I clearly heard the
music..........I never said anything about it until my brother
mentioned that he had heard music in her room...............I think
the angels must have been playing it as they were so happy to have
her with them
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it's going to be long and it hurts and I need help and would
recommend other people get it too...... i get it from my family
and those who love me and from my faith
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I only know that I sensed an incredible peace in her room at the
time I think she actually died (timing of brain death while on a
ventilator is debatable) I told her it was OK to go and I think
that is when she went....although I think she lingered in there
with me for a while outside her body although I couldn't see her
I felt here spiritual presence when i suspect she had already "died"
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
There are thankfully no unresolved issues. We had a beautiful,
loving relationship of which many were and are still jealous. She
knows I love her and I know she loves me and that is that.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just want to hold her and be held by her and we would tell
each other how much we loved each other and how much we missed each
other and how we will never really leave each other
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
It has not happened to me but I wish it would and have prayed that
it would....
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It is important to honor what they wanted which means it's important
to tell your family what you want both in the time prior to your
death when you may not be able to speak for yourself and later after
your death with regard to arrangements so that this does not stress
them out at the time
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am so excited to get to be reunited with my Mom someday I cannot
imagine being afraid. I have some fear of the physical part,
like not being able to breathe but much less fear than I used to
I really think I would be OK with it.....especially since I'm not
married yet and don't have any children......if I did I would not
want to leave them or have them suffer like I'm suffering now.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Writing in a journal as if I was writing to my Mom. It's like
I'm talking to her and this has been extremely helpful for me to
express some of my feelings that don't come out otherwise.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I read each day the Helen Steiner Rice poem for each day from
a day by day calender Mom gave each of us years ago.....it also
has scripture on each day This helps It reminds you why we are
here and of what is truly important I have also prayed much more
which is of tremendous value so that my spiritual self doesn't get
squashed by my suffering
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes, I know have a new bond with my aunt and uncle much deeper than
ever before......I never realized how much they loved me and love
them so much for their constant support through all of this
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I called people They called me They sent me cards, even after
the initial ones Call people, visit them, they want contact but
it can be hard to ask for because you only want to be with people
who want to be with you and listen to you
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped as I needed someone to talk to and called several people
who weren't home then decided to look up grief on the internet to
get some insight and immediately stumbled upon your questionnaire
It helps to talk about things, it really does
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Tue Jul 18 17:51:21 2000
F41 in East Troy, WI =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 62.
--Details:
I believe that second-hand smoke was the cause of the re-occurance
of his bladder cancer. It had been five years since the removal
of his bladder, and the doctors thought he was a cure. Then it
came back--in his bones. My mother was a chain smoker who smoked
5 packs of Winstons/day. And they did not open the windows--the
amount of smoke was unbelievable in the house.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the soul leaves the body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasn't paying much attention---my own father didn't seem very
distressed over the passing of each of his own parents.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I was able to tell my dad that he was a good father, and that
I loved him. He died the next morning.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that hospitals seem so disconnected/"disinterested" in what is
going on. They pretend that someone is going to live, when you
know they are dying.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my dad had his mind until the end, and didn't have to live
without the use of his mind.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
going to church and hearing the word.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that even as I hung on to my religious beliefs regarding my parents,
I wasn't sure about theirs. My parents never really discussed
their religious beliefs.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
telling them you love them --even though the hospital didn't seem
to know my dad was dying, I did, and I think he did, too, when the
time got close.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
faced the fact after a few months that my mom was OK with the
dying process, and that she didn't want to eat, even though we
tried everything.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My mother wouldn't put up "the monumental fight" like we think
everyone's supposed to do to try and beat cancer.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my mother goodbye, and spend more time with her during those
last few months than I was able to.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
figure out how to handle all the arrangements for the funeral
of my mother, and burial arrangements for both my mom and dad.
I was also thankful I could play my flute at my mom's funeral-it
was the least I could do.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my mom died quietly in her sleep.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
knowing all the details of when she died. Everone knew she had
cancer, so why do people want the countless retellings of everything?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my dad died a few months short of his company's retirement age.
He was such a worker! Rarely missed a day of work in 30 years.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Not much different. I often think about calling my mom to talk
with her about things going on here, but remember she's not here.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
My dad only smoked a pipe briefly and rarely, if ever, drank; yet he
died first. My mother smoked 5 packs/day of Winstons and drank beer
every night as a closet alcoholic. She out-lived him by 7 years.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring my dad back. His identical twin brother is still alive,
and misses him terribly.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and felt very lonely when my second parent died--You really
feel alone when both parents are gone. I still do, even though I
have two sisters.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
pretty positive. They were able to prolong my mom's life by
several years. She had throat cancer, and we were glad she died
before the tumor came back in the throat area--suffocating would've
been a more horrible way to die.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
having a reason to go on, a belief that I will see my parents again.
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that there is a "spirit" or "soul" in the body. I don't think you
realize this until you see the body of a loved one and know the
moment when the soul has left.
--Regarding MONEY:
Everything worked out fine because my dad was a saver. He had
saved most of everything his parents had left to him.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I did feel embraced by my relatives.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that a few close relatives couldn't be there, and one set didn't
come because it was winter. I would've thought they would've been
there----it really makes you think about funerals in a different
light--for the survivors.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
My dad's breathing became rapid--I imagine his lungs were filling up.
The night before, the hospital staff said he would be going home.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
was that I had to talk about my memories of those I lost.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I didn't get to witness this. I've had people tell me that they've
seen visions of their loved ones they've lost. Sometimes I pray
I would see my mom or dad like that.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
If my parents will be in heaven or not---perhaps I should talk with
my pastor.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I'd ask both my parents if they believed in God.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
As I said before, I haven't had this experience, but I sometimes
pray that my mom or dad would visit me like this.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Both my parents had a "living will" and "Power of Health Care" ready.
They were able to make their wishes known. When my mom found out
she had cancer, we went over it with her, even though she didn't
really want to talk about it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I know that I shouldn't die soon, but I probably need to change
some life-style habits to be healthier, mainly eating habits.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
No--probably just over-eating---
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I do pray about my mom and dad to God - I want to see them again.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My Uncle Richard is my dad's identical twin brother. I talked
with him at length at a relative party recently. It was as though
my dad were there.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think I will talk with my pastor some time soon.
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Tue Jul 18 12:02:29 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 18 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 72.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
cessation of life as we know it
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was scared- did not know what to expect
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...relative
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the lonilness
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing i would never speak to her again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
it was important that her family was near her
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when the drs wanted to keep doing more when it was obvious more
could not be done
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
able to be there
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
her dr. came from his busy clinic to pray with us and to just
hold her
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
who cared what her bp was etc. just let her be
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i go places we went- i again get all choked up
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she beat the disease and died of the complications
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
cry
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was glad it was as peaceful as it was
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
confusion the staff person was so wonderful and the medical team
just did not understand
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
hospice was just a name back than one my mother was scared of
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a lot
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
it did not matter- she died in the county hospital at the time-
with all her money she still got the best of care- she was on a
research protocol- Her job was one of high position- she could have
been anywhere
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the open casket- people were allowed to grieve- the graveside
lowering of the casket was the final thing all her family was there
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how easily she finally accepted it.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i am a nurse have seen many deaths- in this case she simply told
me that this was the day
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i was really happy that her process of dying was serene and for
a long time i felt responsible for not putting her on dialysis for
not prolonging her life yet realizing it was the best for her
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
yes my mother kept talking to some person in the corner of the
room she would say not yet a few more minutes- we finally gave her
permission to go and she looked up again o ok now i am ready and died
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i worked for years as an er nurse and an icu nurse- many times i
heard about the dark tunnel with the light at the other end. one
man was gnerally upset that we broufht him back from the peace he
was experiencing
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
pretty good- most problems were resolved
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i have had different feelings at times that she is there- usually
dreams- things she wants to tell me
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i have a living will i want them to read it and let me go comfortablt
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am approaching the age that its a lot nearer than we care to think-
my hope is that someone will have the time to give to me i just do
not want to be alone
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i usually go to the gravesite and sit and talk-
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i am now working thru a husband who is 15 yrs older not critically
ill but with bad lungs that are getting worse,i wish i could reach
out to him more but i am afraid- i know whats coming and hope i
am strong
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me see what it is that has been bothering me and now i need
to work with that
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
maybe start somewhere with the question -is this an impending death
or someone who has already gone
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Tue Jul 18 08:40:23 2000
F30 in Lisbon, =Portugal=
Name: Lucília
Email: <lppires=at=clix.pt>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
searching "death and dying"
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Prof/Studies: Teacher
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
La mort intime; L'art de mourir; The Joy of Living and Dying in Peace
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Marie de Hennezel; Marie de Hennezel & Jean-Yves Leloup; Dalai Lama
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 16 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a lung disease; Aged: 83.
--Details:
He was feeling fine. He had had a good winter. In Easter he said
to my grandmother that he was going to church and to confession. He
did so. He came back and started shivering and having high fevers,
the doctor came and he was sent to the hostital. All of the close
relatives were summoned. He stayed in the hospital for about a
week and the doctors, helpless, sent him home to his family. He
said goodbye to all his children and grandchildren, made a few
reccomedations and asked for oranges. My mother ran out to buy
some. She came back and gave him a bit of orange. he tasted it
said it was very sweet and died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
something that starts as we are born. Our bodies grow weary and our
cells die and eventually our entire organism fails. The decay and
final collapse of our body is what we normally call death, though
we may use the word with different connotations.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked and unable to understand why it had happened.
--That first time, how it happened was
I was very young, maybe 3 or 4, and an oncle died. The family had
been together the day before, we were all laughing and joking and
having fun. He left, went on his motorbike and next thing we know
he had had an accident and died instantelty
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the peacefull expression in my grandfather's face. It felt as if
he had done his part and was free to go.
--What I think my (Portugal) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to deal with it, and most of all to realise that life is to
short a time to be wasted.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the fact that it showed me that I have to live my life to the
fullest. I want to have that peaceful, content expression when I die.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the fact that I believe in ressurection.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that i miss my grandfather. I miss talking to him, I miss
his songs and stories.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
treat him/her as a person, not a patient, not a corpse. talk to
him/her, hug him/her.Listen to the person and let him/her talk
about dying
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandfather asked to have his family around.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Well, my grandfather owned some estate and he told his children to
divide the estate among themselves, and this has rosen some troubles.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think I have come to terms with this fact, besides my grandfather
would be very, very old now. Sometimes I wish I could freeze time
and simply be a child again sitting in his lap and listening to
his stories.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I am Catholic,and I have a fairly good religious background. My
faith is not blind because I strive to have it enlightened by my
experiences, knowledge and hard study. In this particular case
I had the help of a priest, who was a friend of the family, and
talked to us (me and my brothers)about death and the meaning of life.
--Religious Affiliation:
As I said I am a Catholic, but above all a Christian.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
quite right. Human beings are formed by three levels: body - the
material level; soul - the self-aware level, integrating personality
and individual experiences; and the spirit - the communal level,
the level where we become one with the wholeness, which is Love.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the grief and this amazing tendency to focus on the positive aspects
of the dead person.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
meeting all sorts os relatives who went on talking on what a nice
man my grandfather was.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
birth, ageing, living
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
a friend of mine, whose father recently died, confided in me that
she was feeling restless and worried about that and one night she
dreamt of her father who was sitting at his grave and told her he
was doing fine. the strange thing was that he had diabetis and
was amputated of his limbs and she said she saw him as a whole,
as old as he was when he died but fullbodied.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
People should chose how and where they are to be buried or cremated.
People should be able to chose if they want to be kept in a life
support system indefinetely or if they want to die naturally.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am quite aware of the fact that I am going to die. I am still in
my 30s and I expect to have a long life ahead, but who knows? So
I try to live every moment as is it is my final moment. I am not
particularly anxious about dying but I feel it is an important
concept to deal with if we are looking for the meaning of life. And
aren't we all?
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I was very young and though destressed by the crying of adults I
was mostly unaware of what really happened. I was told he had gone
to Heaven, and that was reassuring enough.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
In this recent case of my friend's father, the only thing I could
think of doing was allowing her to talk about all of the process
without interrupting, and letting her cry without holding back
her tears with a word or an attitude. I also discussed with her,
at her request, the issue of life after death.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I have had this issue on my mind for quite some time now, because
death and the dying process are a significant part of the project
I am developing for my masters thesis. I am doing my thesis on the
need to have a pedagogical approach to death in order to improve
the quality of your life. Nonetheless I found the questionnaire to
be very interesting though maybe a bit too centered in the question
of someone else's death.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Maybe you could focus on more personal questions regarding our
own death, such as: - what are you afraid of when you think about
death? - what do you think you will miss the most when you die?
Questions such as these would make people realise that they need
to conquer their fears in order to live and would help them set
their priorities straight.
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Mon Jul 17 14:40:40 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 2 years ago.
Cause of Death: a fall; Aged: 17.
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--Death Is:
when something that was alive is now dead, and will no longer be
able to interact or exist with us who are still alive.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
started shaking uncontrollably and wished I had someone to cry to.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my 17 year old cousin who I was quite close
to went backpacking around Europe after he graduated. He fell out
of a third floor window in a Youth Hostel in Brugges, and died by
the time the ambulance got there. It was an accident; he was not
drunk or stoned.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Sitting in my aunt and uncle's house, reading the international
newspapers and waiting for news from Brugges.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
to expect it more, and not to think that it will never happen to
you. In other words, take nothing for granted.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It made me a stronger person, and I learnt things about my family
that I otherwise may not have.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the thought that my Internet boyfriend (now husband) would be coming
to meet me the next month.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The fact that things would never be the same.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Savour the good times.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
got through iot on my own, without letting any crap from my family
affect me badly.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first found out about it; it came completely out of the blue.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It is a very weird, potentially embarrassing reaction, but it
relieves stress and lightens up a moment.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my cousin how much I admired him as we grew up.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Get through it and emerge as a stronger person.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
People started calling my cousin David "Davey" which they never
ever called him when he was alive. They put him on a pedestal,
and it seemed so false to me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
All the silly little funeral arrangements- ordering sandwiches, etc.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
It hits me that we are all so mortal, and we could be killed at
any time.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It probably wouldn't be much different, but I would think he would
be proud of me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That David died so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Take everything for granted, and never have to deal with a loss
again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wanted to know morbid details.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They didn't help me at all. People think it didn't affect me,
but they are wrong. I was overlooked.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Fack all.
--Religious Affiliation:
I don't believe in God or anything, but I think there are spirits
and magic out there somewhere.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
That he was reborn.
--Regarding MONEY:
His parents had to sort out his travel insurance. Had he have been
drunk or drugged, they would have had to mortgage the house.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I didn't feel close to anyone there. I felt overlooked, and I
remember getting into trouble with my parents being all snappy and
stressed and stuff.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Wanting to know every single morbid detail, to have the whole
picture clear in my head.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Distraction helped a lot. Time heals.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My cousin's brother thought he saw David standing at the bottom
of his garden out the window. Knowing this was impossible, he rang
his mother and left a message on the answering machine telling her
so. A few hours later they heard David was dead.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
David always knew he would die young, he used to wonder each birthday
whether he would reach another one. His parents didn't push him
like they did with his older brother, and it makes me wonder if
that is because they knew deep down that there was no point, and
that he should just do whatever he pleased.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I didn't have any unresolved issues, but I wish he knew that I
loved him and admired him.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
People shouldn't put the deceased up on a pedestal. It seems so
false, and it tends to erase half their personality.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I am going to be a midwife.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
No, not really.
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Fri Jul 14 06:01:09 2000
F29 in Athens , =Greece=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
All the ancient Greek Philosophers
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 14 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 52.
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--Death Is:
the end of our time on earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt frightened and lonely and anxious
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my uncle died of cancer at the age of 52
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fact that we did not talked about it a lot
--What I think my (Greece) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that our life is not over when our precious ones are gone
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that they didn't force me to go to the funeral
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
that i was very young and had still the ability to cope with it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that he dissapeared from my life, that i would never see
him again
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
appreciated time spending with people you love
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i had to listen to the words "he is dead"
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is a way of coping with feelings such as fear of death,
guilt even anger towards the dead person who left us behind.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have talked to him just before he died
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
focus on my life
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my father (who at the time being is very ill) announced the death
of my uncle and just left the room.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i get to think about the death of my parents
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have felt more secure about the future
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I want everyone and everything to be happy and in order
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
stop getting emotionally involved so much with other people's lives
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
saw him in my dream that he had come to say goodbye
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
that nothing else could have been done
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
religion in my country is almost everything in times like this
--Religious Affiliation:
Excellent
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I fear my own death and often i am anxious about getting ill and
not be able to be happy as much as i could.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
fear of bad luck
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was stimulating yet did not involve cases close to death but saved
(both my parents)that influenced me more than my uncle's death 14
years ago.
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Thu Jul 13 14:13:07 2000
F25 in New York, New York =USA=
Name: Amy
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Writer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, a month ago.
Cause of Death: liver cancer; Aged: 82.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
...is the end of life as we know it. No one knows what happens to
us when we die. It is the greatest mystery of our existence. It is
what we live in fear of and must learn to accept. When people die
they are gone from us forever...unless there is something that has
still not been revealed to the living that happens to us when we die.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Didn't understand what was happening. My father's family is very
frightened to deal with their emotions about things...this is why I
never knew my uncle, so I watched as my father attempted to grieve
a brother he hardly knew.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My father's brother, my uncle. I never
knew him. He lived his life in a hospital after electric shock
treatment given as a child froze his brain. My parents were afraid
I would be afraid of him. The only time I saw him was at the wake.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My father cried.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
...that it's coming. Show the people you love that you care before
you go and know them...really make an effort to know them. Or you
truly leave nothing behind.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
...when I think of my granfather now, known of his fears surround
him anymore. If he is somewhere I know that he must be enlightened
and that must make him some what regretful for the things left
un-said in his life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My boyfriend. Nothing anyone could say to me could mean more to
me than his love. Knowing that someone actively loves me and tries
to know me better everyday is a comfort. It is all we get.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My father is like my grandfather in some ways. It's painful to
think that the lessons my father learned from my grandfather about
dealing with pain and people and emotion might be difficult to erase.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
DO whatever is needed. This is not a time to be stingy with
your time. Everything else can wait. Love them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My father has such a difficult time comforting his mother. He is
so uncomfortable with affection. It's heartbreaking. I know he
loves her, cares for her, hates to see her in pain...but it makes
him so uneasy he distracts himself from it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
everyone is uncomfortable with mortality. Laughing and crying are
the same emotion.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk with my grandfather about his family more. KNow things about
when they first came to this country and his childhood in Queens.
His father. His mother.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My grandfather wouldn't eat or drink anything for a week before
he died. He didn't have any fluids. He died at home. He wanted
to die when he knew he couldn't fight it anymore. There was nothing
the doctors could do and they gave him a couple of months...he died
two weeks later. He refused to prolong his pain.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I dream about my grandfather. He's alive and everyone's saying he's
dead but he's walking around. He's eating dinner. He's whistling.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Understanding. Everyone would understand each other better in
a perfect world. They'd know the people they cared for and have
compassion for humanity.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That my grandmother should be left alone after 56 years without him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Frustration. Things could be better...they could be worse too.
Modern medicine is sometimes cruel.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They were extremly respectful. I can't image that job.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
It didn't help me at all. I am Roman Catholic but I have such a
difficult time with the Catholic church. SO much of it is bullshit.
--Religious Affiliation:
I do astunga yoga and get a Christmas tree. I like the things
Christ said but I don't know what else I can say nice about the
Catholic church. Some good ideas stretched to thier limit and
distorted with time.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
If you know yourself at all when you are dying I think your spirit
is fuller. You've felt your life so you can feel your death.
I don't know what happens after that but when I die I want to feel
that I did everything I could to live in my body and know the people
around me. See them for what they are...their beauty and their pain.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The wake felt like a party only the host was dead. We all stood
around with people that weren't very close to my grandfather, we
paying their respects, people some of us hadn't seen in years...we
were required after the enitial appologies were out of the way,
to catch them up on our lives and talk about where we were living
and what we were doing. It was unsettling. "See...I can have
a conversation about my dog in front of my dead grandfather.
I'm all right."
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
See above.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
You'll know it when you see it. THere's no denying it. He was
starving himself. He wanted to leave his body. It embarrassed him
to have to wear a diaper. He was a very private man. He would
not let someone clean him for very long. He started talking to
people that weren't in the room and started saying things that
happened years before. "Got to get my shoes on. I'm late to pick
grandma up."
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
???? Come on. My grandfather was dying of liver cancer.
It poisens the brain. I'd love to think that someone was going to
take my hand and guide me into another realm too. Doesn't anyone
understand the power of brain yet? Think of how little of it we
actively use and then imagine what can happen up there when it's
been denyed food and oxygen and been poisened.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Please. My mother thinks that my grandfather turned all the lights
on and off at the factory the day of his funeral. She also thinks
that when he said, "Grandma's here. She been here all day" That
my great grandmother was in the room. PLEASE.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think I've talked about this already.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I've had dreams about my grandfather but it's not visitation.
It's my brain trying to process the loss.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I imgine my grandfather free of his predjudices and filled with
pride for his children...they've worked so hard for his acceptance
and he never told them how proud he was...
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
It is very important to me know that my father and mother know
us..their children. I don't want either of them to be left the
way my grandmother is...with no real connection to themselves.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Viewing the Body
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Tue Jul 11 19:26:44 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Email Message ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 17.
--Details:
he was stoned and skipped a red light, crashed died instantly
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when someone stops living,
--That first time, how it happened was
my great grandmother died of natural causes
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how the other people cried and felt sorry for the guy
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
dead people dont come back to eat food and probably cant see
the altars.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that it really doesnt hurt us, it´s not such a really big deal,
you can still live on forever in what you left the world, like a
bestseller or a statue or something
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own self, just thinking what DEATH really means
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to talk to them
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it´s really really really weird, and i felt kinda phsycotic
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see him before he died
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
preety much the same
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had just gotten out of rehab
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a little relief
--Religious Affiliation:
roman catholic, but warped to my own thinking kinda
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
correct, we are just humans, no more, no less
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how I didnt care so much
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
thinking about DEATH and how it afects us and our peers helped a lot
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would ask him if he has done all he wants to do before dying,
and what he would do,
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
espesa será mi muerte, entre flores y gusanos y falsos lamentos
hipocritas
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
just didn`t bother me
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
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Tue Jul 11 17:39:40 2000
F16 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 83 or so.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a moment in time where one is not in particularly good condition,
as vonnegut would say
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasn't shocked
--That first time, how it happened was
grandmother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not being terribly sad
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to capitalize it!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it ended her suffering
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
sleeping
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
people being overly sympathetic
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
touch them
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was at the funeral
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i didn't laugH!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get closer to her
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
keep myself occupied at the funeral
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
peop;le talk about major holidays
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
saw a picture of her at her closed casket funeral
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nOTHING
--Religious Affiliation:
atheism
--Regarding MONEY:
IT WAS FUCKING EXPENSIVE
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
bah
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
BAH
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
BAH
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
it will be here one day
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
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Sun Jul 9 02:13:31 2000
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Prof/Studies: Consultant
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More personal info:
You can Post this.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, a month ago.
Cause of Death: Heart failure; Aged: 71.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is the process of getting out of one Taxi and
entering...another...the key thing is to develop a state of
conciousness where you are the...Driver.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was stunded...a man shot himself in a car in front or our house
l had just finished mowing the lawn and had gone in for a drink..l
was 14 or so..he was a depressed student.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My father died recently he was only 71 of a heart attach what l
rememeber most vividly is when l saw him in the coffin he looked
like a....MASTER...total concentration.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
In the west there is no sustained process or real spiritual ritual
process for death...people come then they go.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My out of body experiences as a young man...where l looked upon my
own body. I realized the illusion of attachment to this ...taxi cab.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My mental contact with my father after the death transistion and the
Colors that kept flashing across the street in broad daylight when
l got the call..who knows who it was probably good old dad...just
saying so long for now.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
It was hard...and is still.. is that l just can't talk to the dude
any more...l can accept his death but it's the missing that hurts.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Whisper into the Ear that God Love's them, we Love them, you are
going home and ...to go to the Light...reach for it.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Know that he made the decision to go...his higher self did..he was
just tired and needed to go home and our Loving Father agreed.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
You see the open coffin and you think this is the last moment but
of course it is not.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I had no interst in laughing..
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Of course say the things you really wanted to say and let go of
the things that need to let go.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there at the funeral across the country.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My dad died suddenly there was no process.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I call my Mom... l haven't for a week now.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
There is so much to say here how do you describe a realm of
pure peace, hope, inspiration, rest, no desperation, worry, total
community everywhere, no hate, no competition, (l am so fed up with
the mindless competition of this society) no toil, no illusions,
a place away from the petty worries that wear you down in this place
of toil and grind, a place of spirit, reason, immortality, connection
with divininty and the Lords of divinity where beauty, unity, Gods
praise is just the norm...how do you describe this when you are in
a In a world such as ours a world of human created disorder... l
do not know how.... l just can't imagine heaven some days when l
see what our world has beacome through greed and mindless actions.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Thats all l could think of for a week...It's just not fair... but
it was his choice...the higher self choice..the heart attach was
just the means.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Just....GO....say a Mantrum and...just GO....
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I probably still have not completely accepted it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
You better take care of your own health in this world because no
one is going to do it for you.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
My spiritual awareness was much more important than outdated
Religious beliefs.
--Religious Affiliation:
Current: I am a member of the Spiritual Brotherhood and Sisterhood
of Humanity and Light on this planet...my church is the Christ
Heart and Conciousness...my temple is the Sacred Earth. My destiny
is...Divinity. My past Religious Affiliation was Roman Cathlic.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
That in ...Life ther is ...DEath and in Death there is Life.
--Regarding MONEY:
People pulled togethor to handle it all. The costs are typical
of this ridiculous material money society. We have lost all the
ancient sacredness about death in this society. When l go... throw
me in a boat and burn it in the water and praise God that a Spirtual
Warrior is going home to Valhalla...thats enough.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
All the people my Dad knew..and touched... amazing.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How fast and organized it is in western society. I do not like
it. There is no time. Employers, Airlines, Hotels, no one cares
except the family. We are so distant from each other.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
We started realizing there were signals. The medical system failed
again.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It is a time of spiritual reflection and awaking for all.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Death was sudden for my Dad he died in the Rain they could not help
him. I hope he was not afraid...but l think it must have been a
shock for him. But l know my Master and Angels carried him through
to the Light and home. They informed me that that day by mental
contact. Me l am ready at any time...by accident..by a sword..by
adventure... whatever l hope to go before the slowing down takes any
point of living worthless...live like a Flame is a good philosphy who
knows when you will be called home. This place is not our true home.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Dad knows l loved him even though we may have never said it the
last years. There were lots of issues but they were really petty
when you think of them and meaningless now.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
This exercise makes no sense to me and l do not reccomend it.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Not as yet..but maybe those colors flashing at the bus stop across
the street was Dad. If not l am expecting it
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Good question as l get older l will get ready for the transistion
and the boat they can throw me in and light up with the ...Flames
of God... so l can return to Valhalla..weary but home at last to
return no more to the relms of illussion.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Death is an illusion. For the common good person it is more a
door to Joy and release than anything. There are dark souls who
when leaving the body they leave through the Passions of their own
pre-occupations, greed, lust, selfishness, hate, glutoney etc, and
they experience them at a level of intensity that is of ...their
own creation not Gods...so they will learn. It only lasts a few
days. Then the angels intervene and they stand in front of their
own higher self in total witness of the facts of their own created
selfish acts and conciousness. They then are given a time in the
lower relms of Heaven in the Astral plane and then they must return
either to this world or another until they learn the laws of Gods
sacred life and joy. I lay my treasures to that which is permanent
and not that which is impermanent. I have no fear of my higher self
my attention is eternal..my love in eternal so my conciousness is
also. We must let go of this fear of death it makes it hard on us and
even the Angels l am sure. Let Gods power and Light inside of you
carry you higher. You are a Master waiting to happen. Each night
we go to sleep and experience a different state. The death process
is a new state as well. There is nothing permanent about the body
that should make us think we are the body yet so many people think
they are this...bag of bones and flesh...wake up to your Spiritual
Christ Divinity. The flame of God.. the first source and centre of
"All That Is" resides in you. You are an ancient traveller in the
universe. That which is created must be destroyed...In case you
didn't know... you were never created. You always have been and
you always will be..because you are a flame of the Living Eternal
One Glorius GodForce energy. The body has been created so it comes
and goes. So do the planets and Suns etc. Whats a billion years
to God. You have had many bodies and forms. You will until you
learn to Master all that life is..awaken to reason, compassion and
enlightenment and the ultimate game..which is "Conciousness and
Vibration". What do think the ultimate game is being famous,
making money, having sex, eating, being a rock star, competing
to win in the new economy, being an Internet millionaire, being a
stuffed-shirt in the upper class of this mindless greedy society. Do
you think that is what God created you for. To be identified with
all this mindless consumer and industrial illussion. You are here
to be Divinity in a body to be God in a body. "God needs a body
you know.." think about that. Maybe you want to help God..God needs
help to.. you know. You need to express God in you to the best of
your ability and risk management ratio..who knows what you can do
as a son or daughter of the most high living fearless Father Mother
God. Everyone is waiting for you... so let your Light Shine.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Prayer and Decree.. We need to Pray more in this mindless material
society.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Not much l feel l have lost one of my best friends and l feel more
alone... and it all seems meaningless the whole process here most
of the time lately..even with my higher spiritual awareness..what
we are going through the state of life of the planet..if l did not
have my Inner strength and faith in the Christ sometimes l think
l would just want to go my self.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Some more contact with family that is important.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? How well
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
This is a good point as well. I volunteer when l can in between
competing for a living in this mindless society of competition and
greed. But l have been thinking more of volunteering since my old
Dads death to help people more maybe older people.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Good experience. Objective. Think l will be a Preacher or Minister
now..thats what my GrandDad wanted. He always said l had the Fire
and Brimstone in me..ha ha.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I will think about this and email you.
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Sat Jul 8 15:42:16 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
"Life after Life"
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 9 years ago.
Cause of Death: scirosiss of the liver/cancer; Aged: 51.
--Details:
It is very hard to say which of the deaths that I have had to deal
with, has affected me the most. First, my mothers death at age 14.
Then my husband's death 9 years ago, and then my father committed
suicide 2 weeks after my husband died, by jumping off a balcony.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a completion of one life, and the beginning of another.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't know how to deal with it, because I didn't think it could
ever happen.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was 8 yrs. old and I had some cousins that
were decapitated in an automobile accident. It was the first funeral
I ever attended. Several other aunts and uncles died after that.
After that was the big one. My mother died when I was 14.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
trying to escape the reality of it by doing so many drugs I almost
lost my life along with everything else.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is an important part of existence.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
DOES NOT APPLY TO ME AT ALL!!!!!
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my children's need for me to continue on in this journey of my life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
learning to live with myself afterwards.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
death is a very frightening transition to most people who are dying.
It helps to just be there to help them with the transition. So that
they are not alone.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have learned the responsibilities that I never knew before, because
my husband always took care of everything.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I blamed God for their death, and thought that I was being punished
for something.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
THAT SURE DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ME!!!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
show my father, how much he was loved and needed, and maybe I could
have prevented him from wanting to kill himself. I was just feeling
too sorry for myself to care about anyone else.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there with him in the hospital before he died, to experience
the feeling of peace in the room before his spirit left his body.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
?????????
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didn't want to deal with it, and started doing dangerous amounts
of methamphetamines and marijuana, so that I didn't have to face
any reality at all.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
I was too young to really know how to deal with it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Sat Jul 8 11:36:10 2000
F44 in Branson, MO =USA=
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: Account Manager
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 65.
--Details:
I took care of her for 11 months, it was very hard to lose my mother.
I am an only child and the pain was and still is hard to bear.
Than in 1996 I lost my father to cancer also, I felt extreme
abandonment and loss, I still do today.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
For us humans, death is a loss of a person who has meant a great
deal in our lives. It is a loss of the presents of that person and
knowing that they will never be with you again except in memories.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was grieve stricken. My mother and I were closer than most children
are to their parents. I had experienced others die and it hurt,
but to lose her was like losing part of me.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died when I was 3 years
old. Don't remember much except it was the first time my mom left
me to go to the funeral
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The major pain and hurt, knowing that the person wasn't going to
be here anymore to talk to, to hug, to spend time with.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
there is life after death and reincarnation is part of this process.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I was with my mother and my uncle when they actually died.
I was able to say goodbye to them unlike I was to my dad when
he died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my son was my best support although nothing could really help me. I
felt pain, guilt and abandonment.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The pain of not having them here anymore.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
letting the person go in death. I was able to talk my mother through
dying even though it torn me up inside. She waited on me to die,
she needed my permission to go on and when I gave it to her she
was able to die in peace after I spoke the words to her of how much
she meant to me and that she would always live on in my heart.
--[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have had to move on without them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized that I had no one left from my childhood to talk to,
it was like a loss of me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I had to release the stress in someway.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be with my dad when he died. I also wish I could have gotten both
of them to a doctor sooner than I did, maybe they would still be
here today.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with my mom and uncle at the moment of their death. I am also
thankful that although it still hurt I was able to spend time with
them in their last days and knowing that they loved me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My mom and uncle waited for me to be there with them. I knew the
moment my dad died even though I wasn't there.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
they are better off now than they were before.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I should have been a better person to them, listen more and let
many of their values rub off on me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I am not sure. Mom would be with me all of the time, Daddy would
be enjoying his fishing and spending time with me. Uncle would be
there when I call and I could visit him.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that they left me alone in this world. Others still have their
family and I don't.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die and be with them again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went off the deep end. I started drinking and trying to solve the
pain in unrealistic ways.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
let us down considerably. Mom and Daddy could have lived if doctors
would have cared more. Money was more important than their lives.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
cancer is the worst of all, killing someone internally without
control.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
knowing that the person goes on.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am into more new age religion. Unity, Science of Mind, religions
that focus on sprirtuallity rather than organized religion. These
focus on moving forward spritually rather than fear and control
that most organized religions focus on.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I was able to know that the spirits of my loved ones went on. They
have come to me many times in something like dreams only on a
different level.
--Regarding MONEY:
not enough for doctors to want to really do what was necessary to
save their lives.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
people cared at the time, but knowing that they would go on with
their lives and that we their loved ones had to continue to endure
the pain long after, probably forever.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
knowing that the spirit of these loved ones waited on me or let
me know in some strange way that they loved me and we were able to
forgive each other for past mistakes.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
feeling that I have or visions that I have that death is impending
for ones that I am close to
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
feel the pain, turn to God and don't blame God for the death.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I know that they have all went on to another relm. Mom came back
to me in a vision after her death.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
my ex-husband died and came back, he said it was an enjoyable
experience.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would love to tell them again how much I love them and how very
much I miss them.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Mom appeared to me and we hugged and told each other how much we
loved each other. My dad hung around his house for several weeks
after his death others perceived him there. My mother warned us once
of an impending problem by knocking on a door and no one was there,
six people heard it.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
let them die in peace without the help of machines.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I want to live most of the time, the actual death isn't fear,
just suffering, I would like to die quickly without knowledge of it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I don't beleive I have closure yet.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
a strong love for my dad's girlfriend, a new closeness to my Aunt
and a stronger family tie with my son.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
My husband could have help much more. Once the death was over both
of them (married to different men when each of my parents died)
thought I should be ok soon after, go on, but it isn't that way at
least for me it wasn't.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I relieved some of the pain.
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Thu Jul 6 22:46:07 2000
F15 in Pueblo, Colorado =USA=
Name: Katie
Email: <sweetest_evil76=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Broken hip; acoma; old age; Aged: 89.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when life is over and a new "life" begins. Death is something nobody
truly knows about on a one to one basis; nobody has experienced it
and lived to tell the tale of it...pardon the choice of words.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was around 10 or 11 years old. My great grandmother had died and
I really had no idea how to feel since my family didn't show their
emotions around me. I kept to myself for the longest of times
trying to remember everything about her, and I did, in fact, hurt
some of my families feelings with how I lashed out towards them.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandmother fell and broke her hip.
She was in the hospital and then slipped into acoma. She died
shortly after.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fact that no one showed their emotions. People in my family have
shown more emotion towards someone that has almost died than they
do when someone really does die. When death in the family occurs,
I usually stay inside of my room and choose to stay there until I
feel better and well enough to come out and face the world again a
new person. It's not easy to watch people in my family deal with
it because I don't think they quite know how to around me.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It's not exactly a bad thing. I mean sure, you won't see that person
for a rather long time...but eventually you will see them again.
Death happens everyday and there isn't anything anybody can do to
stop it. People should also not be afraid of death. Being afraid
of death is the equivalent of saying you're afraid to live and
experience life since you're too paranoid about dying.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I always understood what death was.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Keeping to myself and not speaking to many people. It helped because
I could gather my own thoughts, my own memories, and really remember
the person that died. I don't really like talking with people in
situations of death because they're always sad or depressed. I for
one, see death as a re-birth for that person into the after-world
whether that be heaven, hell, or just some place where everything
is perfect and no harm or evil is present.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
There really isn't a hard part of death to me, but the closest
thing to hard would be remembering them after time passes because it
gets harder and harder to remember. Though thoughts come when you
least expect them and that's a good sense of therapy in my opinion.
The people that die will always be in your heart and that's something
that'll stay with you through thick and thin.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Not to allow them to think that you don't love them. You don't
really want them to have negative feelings towards you in a situation
such as that.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I really never found myself confused.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I've never laughed about it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell my great grandmother how I really felt about her and how much
she helped me with some life decisions.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Come to closure with myself over it.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Nothing.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Nothing.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at pictures when I was a little girl or even a baby and
my great grandmother is holding me. Seeing her again even though
she's gone gives me a strange feeling, but a good one. It makes me
dream of seeing her again...hearing her laugh, or seeing her smile.
It makes me miss her all over again.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If my great grandma hadn't died, I think we'd still see each other
just every now and then. Though if I had known she was going to
die before she did, I'd probably appreciate her a lot more and I'd
tell her things I never got a chance to.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I think death is fair. It shouldn't happen, but nothing lasts
forever.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk to her one last time. Or at least hear her laugh or see
her smile. Hug her. Tell her that I love her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Nothing seemed unreal. I was expecting the death.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The nurses and doctors seemed nice, but I don't believe they did all
they could. Maybe that's just a sense of sadness or whatever..but
I think they could've done more.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Religion wasn't an aspect here.
--Religious Affiliation:
None.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Nothing.
--Regarding MONEY:
There didn't seem to be an issue of money.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
A lot of people seemed to be truly sad that she was gone.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Nobody really talked to me about how I was feeling or how they felt.
Everyone kept to themselves.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Death can be as unpredictable as the world coming to an end.
Nobody knows when death will happen and there's no real signs or
mileposts to watch for.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Nothing.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Nothing that I'm aware of.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Nope.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Close to everything was said.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Nothing.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
No.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I don't know.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't think about death because I don't want to waste my time
worrying about it. I want to live life as it happens without fear.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Remembering everything I could about her and every little detail
of her home, her personality, her life...everything.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Not really.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Nope.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Nope.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionnaire was just something to do though it did help me
get thoughts written out.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Nope.
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Thu Jul 6 07:00:08 2000
F17 in , =england=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 75.
--Details:
not really expected
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--Death Is:
the end
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was quite young
--That first time, how it happened was
Grandad
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the way i wasnt sad
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Wed Jul 5 00:53:07 2000
F41 in crestview, fl =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
yahoo search results for tests
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Prof/Studies: monthly company news magazine editor
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More personal info:
what are you going to do with this? Are you writing a book? Is
this for a college class? Where can I see other responses?
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: pneumonia, post-op complications; Aged: 78.
--Details:
I looked after him for three years while he slowly went down. And
up, and down, and up, and down. He had surgery -- a spleenextomy --
to alleviate his chronic anemia. The surgery was a risk. He then
spent the next five weeks in ICU before he died.
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--Death Is:
when we cease to exist in physical form.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was curious.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... It was my aunt's neighbor. I wanted to
se what a dead body looked like, so I asked to go to the viewing.
My parents were so impressed that I cared so much about him. I was
too shy to look though, because my aunt and uncle, and parents were
watching me, so very impressed with my compassion.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
After all the time of preparing for it, when it actually happened,
it didn't seem real. And there was no big action that I had to
take, after all the stuff I had to do when he was alive. He had no
funeral, no service, per his request. The only immediate actions
were to identify the body and fill out a few forms at the hospital
make cremation arrangements, and call a few people.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
We all get there. Another thing is, that when someone dies, it
is the family that is grieving, not the funeral home. I couldn't
believe how many people thought they shouldn't send flowers if
there was no funeral home to send them to.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
One night, while my father spent those five weeks hovering between
life and death, my husband and i watched while my dad talked to
his long dead brother. It was really fascinating to watch him,
and listen to him, be part spirit, part mortal.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband -- by far. I was so flakey, and he was so wonderful.
Even though I had taken that time my dad was in ICU off from work,
I kept "escaping" to my office for a few hours a couple days
a week. Being at the hospital was an emotional roller coaster,
and being at home and doing the laundry seemed, well, like not an
important thing to be doing.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Because death was very much on my mind for the three years i looked
after my dad, and still is, really, that is what I wanted to talk
about with people. And so many people ran away when they saw me
coming. I got a real bitter attitude about "friends" from that.
I concluded that they figured, "oh, she;s overwhelmed with stuff
today, so she is of no use to me, so I discard her." It was funny,
how after he died, a lot of people came around. But during those
three years when I constantly had to chose between my children,
my marriage, my job and my father, no one - except my husband --
was there to help. Even my sisters, who live 3,000 miles away,
knew he was sick and never called. Then when I called to tell him
he died, they were all indignant that I had not been keeping them
posted as to the progression of his illness.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Call. Stop by to visit. Do their laundry. Pick up groceries
for them.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
did the right thing, even though I whined to high heaven about it
all along. I don't know about this question. I guess I'm still
not "there" yet. I'm still settling his estate, and feeling guilty
that I am enjoying not having to look after him.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
one day, he would be fine, and there would be talk of him getting
all better. The next day, the hospital would be calling and saying,
"come quick! This may be his last few moments of life."
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
no, didn't do that. I was extremely flakey, though. At one point
I forgot to eat for two days, until I noticed my hands were shaking,
Then I realized I hadn't eaten.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have looked after him when my kids were older, and already moved out,
so I didn't feel so pulled.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have talked with dad about a living will beforehand, so that no
"heroic" measures were taken.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My father couldn't eat, and that was the only pleasure he had left
in life. so it seemed awful that he had a feeding tube.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
we had no funeral. Also, after all those times of running to the
hospital in case this was his last few hours, he ended up dying
with just the nurses at his side. At least, they said they were.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have to go through his things. We sold his house about six weeks
ago, and I had to pack up the last of his things and put them in
storage. It was hard to spend a whole week doing that. I had only
been able to do it for about three hours at a time before, but I had
to force myself. It's easier to go through his stuff now that it is
in storage and not his house. But it is still hard. Another thing,
is that I thought I had heard all of daddy's stories a million times
over, but as I went through his things, he wasn't there for me to
ask specific questions about stuff I came across. My step sister
thinks I am silly for this, but I looked through all his old water
bills, tax returns, etc., and kept a lot of stuff like that, just
because he is not here anymore, so those papers are "him" for me now.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
You mena, as in, everyone is healthy, and My father is living an
independent life? Goodness, he moved down here -- to Florida --
from new york after my stepmom died. He was incedibly lonely.
so If I am going to daydream this one, well, we have to bring the
stepmom back to life too, and have her be healthy. (she spent seven
years dying. My dad took care of her while she died). So they
are both healthy and living down here. That would have been fun.
They coulkd have joined a bowling league, and their little clubs
that they liked to be in, and they could have come over to my house
every Sunday for dinner.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
There were three doctors doing the surgery. One was in favor of
it, one was straddling the fencepost, and the other, I found out
just before surgery, was against it. Maybe if I had known that one
doctor was against it, we would have decided not to have the surgery.
I talked my dad into having the surgery.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be done with all these lingering responsibilities, and be done
feeling guilty that I am regaining my life back.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
crawled up on my husbands lap and stayed there for a few hours.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Sometimes I think that prolonging someone's life eventually
becomes more cruel than compassionate. I had to have a pet put to
sleep a few months ago, because she had an ongoing illness, and I
stayed with her while she was euthanized. That seemed so much more
compassionate than the almost torture my dad was endured just so that
chest would rise and fall one more time. With people living longer
and longer, I have read articles that this will eventually translate
into people taking ten years to die. I hope that eventually, some
thought goes into when it is compassionate to prolong someone's
"life" and when it is cruel. There are a lot of people who can't
beleive I could be so cold as to feel this way, but If you have a
person on 14 different IV's, and a breathing machine, and a feeding
tube, and tied to a bed, and they can't talk or move around much,
and it is costing more than 1,000 a day, is it really a cause for
rejoicing that their chest is moving up and down? It seems more
compassionate to me, to let them go.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I didn't get hospice, because there was always that every-other-day
message of "he could get all better." But i have heard people say
it is wonderful.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
My father claimed that he didn't believe in God. I was really
surprised at how afraid he was of dying. He was really scared,
and I sometimes wonder if it was because he thought, deep in his
heart, that maybe there is a god, and he might be punished for not
believing in it
--Religious Affiliation:
I don't attend church regularly. I do believe that God loves me
and watches over me.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I don't know.
--Regarding MONEY:
Well, the only insurance mydad had was medicare, which pays 80
percent. And the hospital bill was over $300,000. So I anticipated
dad's share of the bills would be around $70,000. But it ended up
the total of all the bills (for us to pay)was less than $10,000.
Probably closer to $5,000. I and my stepsister are the executors
of the estate. When I called my stepsister in new york right after
dad died, she came right away. I thought, she was coming to comfort
me and mourn wiht me, but she just wanted to dig through dad's things
and pick out what she wanted, and get the ball rolling on dividing
up the money. I was to numb to realize this at first, but later,
it hurt to realize that she just saw my dad as the guy hanging on to
her mother's money. I have had to get tough and call more of the
shots with the money, because she just wants to go too fast for me.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I have never been to a funeral. My family feels that the money
spent on a funeral would be better spent being divided up amongst
the heirs.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
This sounds strange, but -- if I am ever put on a breathing machine,
please, please, put vaseline on my lips! My dad's face was so
chapped from all that apparatus rubbing on his face, and I just
can't stand to have chapped lips.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The death rattle. The nurses didn't want to tell me that was the
sound my father was making the last few days. But they told me
after he died.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I feel guilty for having a little leaisure time now, because that
means I am happy, and if I am happy, then I must be glad my father
dies, and people are supposed to be sad when someone dies. They way
I am working through that is I am tackling long-neglected chores.
I am able to give myself permission to do that, but i am not yet
able to give myself permission to do something like a vacation or
even a day at the beach. But I am able to give myself permission
to do things like trim shrubs or clean out closets. I can take
my time and go through my process as slow as I need to. I still
have my father's ashes. I am not yet ready to spread them.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Well, I mentioned that earlier. Witnessing that was a neat
experience. My dad was on a lot of morphine, so he wasn't speaking
clearly, or loudly, but I could make out a lot of waht he said.
His brother was the one who "came to get him" My uncle morry.
This surprised me. I guess I figured it woould be my stepmom.
And my dad talked with "Uncle morry" about riding bikes to the park
together after they "got a bite to eat". Also, my dad saw a woman in
the corner of the hospital room washing a window up into the ceiling.
But daddy was scared, and several times he threw his hands up and
said "No!" It wasn't like in the movies, where the people die all
happy and peaceful and serene. Actually, he didn't die that night.
After spending from like 11 p.m. to 6 a.m. with him, dad was kind
of settling down, so my husband and I went home to sleep for a few
hours. That afternoon, dad was fit as a fiddle! Coherent, sitting
up in bed! I couldn't believe it! I asked him if he remembered th
night before, and he said he remembered being dizzy, and having a
dream that he and morry were kids riding bikes in the park together.
I told him about him seeing a woman washing windows, and he said had
been seeing a lot of strange things like that. I asked him what,
and he couldn't remember. We then had a long talk about death.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no. My mother in law said she had one when she had a reaction to
a medication. I don't remember what she said happened. I'm curious
now. I'll have to ask her about it next time I talk to her.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My father threw me out when I was 16, so I had a lot of resentment
about taking care of him, and in a way, having to abandon my own
children for him. A couple years before he died, I finally scrunched
up the courage to tell him how hurt I was about him doing that.
( I had tried a few times before over the years, but when I got
a flippant answer, I had always backed off. It turns out that he
did have regrets about doing that, and that he would have come and
got me if he had known how miserable I was living with that other
relative my last two years of high school. I had needed to hear
that he regretted doing that very much. I felt bad inflicting that
pain on him, but I needed to hear that.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
oh, gosh. I guess I'd like to hear, "look, daughter, I can walk now,
I am healthy, and robust, and having a ball!" I am not sitting
in judgement over you and how you have handled my affairs since
I've left. You're doing okay. Go lauch and play. Hmm -- this
is probably a good question for me to ponder. Come to think of
it, when my father was my age, he used to go camping all the time,
and go to the river. And play cards. Hey, he was allowed to play!
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
oh, that would scare me! After my gradmother died when I was
about 21, I used to imagine her watching over me. But I didn't
necessarily want my grandma to see everything I was doing. so I
quit thinking like that.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
this is a really long questionnaire, and I am getting sleepy.
no profound thoughts on this question.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Goodness, my kids are still at home. I keep meaning to change the
part of my will that says who would raise my kids should my husband
and i both die before they are grown. I'm going to die when I
am 87, it will be a smoking related death, and I will be on oxygen
for about ten years before I die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
like i said, i do chores. I am run down a lot, and this is probably
a depression thing. I've been thinking of going to the dr. and
trying out prozac. I haven't always been such a solemn person, and
I sometimes get nostalgic about how much enthosiasm I used to have.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I guess I've thought about this one a lot. Seeing that my father
died with few friends, and only my husband and I there for him in
his last days, and he was a grouchy, selfish person. So I think I
have learned to think long and hard about what impact I want to have
with my life. What are my priorities? When I am on my death bed,
and looking back on my life, I don't want to have regrets. A
month or so ago, I was visiting another office at work, and someone
in the office was telling her co-workers that their supervisor went
to the hospital with chest pains, shortness of breath, and pains
in his left arm. The co-workers were not interested. They were
interrupting her with stuff like, I gotta call this person, I
gotta get this report done, etc. That really made an impact on me.
It is so easy to get sucked up into living a materialistic life,
and pushing away the people you love in favor of the career, the
almighty dollar, the chores, the whatever. When it is all said and
done, do we really want our memories to be of how fancy the bathroom
faucet was? They say the average couple spends four minutes a day in
one-on-one interaction. Something else that impacted me years ago,
was I read a newspaper story about a woman who had been dead for four
years before anyone knew. The way her body was found was her mail
slot was in the door of her house. And one day the mailman realized
he couldn't slide the mail into the slot, because it had all piled
up. then the police went into the house and found her body. so
I think the experience has taught me to live a life full of love.
I don't want a life where no one will know, or care, if I am gone.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
why, yes, come to think of it. A lady at work has buried her mother,
her father, her father in law, and is now looking after her mother
in law. So she has dealt with death quite a bit, and it didn't, and
doesn't faze her to talk with me about what I went through and am
going through. But now it is about over for me, and she is still
dealing with her mother in law, and when she tells me her stories,
I feel SO glad I'm not there anymore.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
we ALL do it. Most of us spend our lives trying to deny it will
happen to us.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Death Vigil
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
An amazing thing about when your life is in intense crisis mode is
that everyday life still goes on. You still run out of milk.. The
laundry still needs to be done. I wanted someone to come clean
my house and do my laundry. I hinted about this to a few people,
but no one came.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I didn't cry. I'd like to see other responses. I think I would
like to think ove my father's life some more, and try to remember
more stuff about his first 70 years, and not just his last few.
Maybe then I can give myself permission to quite feeling quilty
for being so releived that I don't have to take care of him anymore.
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Tue Jul 4 19:45:27 2000
F19 in Bville, ON =Canada=
Name: Cary
Email: <doveofpeace81=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: ???; Aged: 82.
--Details:
Passed away in his sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is a time of judgement for man, for God sent his only son to
die for us on the cross, those who believe in Him will have eternal
life and those who don't will perish in the flames of hell...which
road are you on...to life or destruction?
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad and upset, but I relied on God to get me through all the
hard times and to lift me into His love.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather passed away in his sleep this
past Dec 20th and I was at school and my dad came and got me and
told me my Grandpa was very sick...
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
When I found out he had passed away.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Whether we're walking the walk and talking the talk.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Giving my life and heart to Jesus.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Prayer and my friends and family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Saying goodbye although I know I'll meet my Grandpa in Heaven.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say I loved him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
carry on to the best that I could.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see pictures or hear stories about him or just expect to see
him again.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would totally be there with him by his side forever!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
get away from it all.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
began to cry and shake and was so upset...I just had to rely on
God and others around me.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything!
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
God is everything without Him we are nothing!
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
sadness
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
watching things of his disappear from their house.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I love him and that's all there is to it...he loved me back as well.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I just hope my life is right before God.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Prayer
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Prayer again.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
Definately God got me through my time of grief.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just to have someone to sit and cry and talk with...
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me think, it also made me cry...it was good.
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Tue Jul 4 00:30:12 2000
F24 in Lisbon, =Portugal=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
search for test on the web
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Prof/Studies: video editor
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More personal info:
You can do whatever you want with the ansewers I gave you, just,
please, don't identify me.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 13yrs ago.
Cause of Death: aneurism; Aged: 54.
--Details:
My grandmother just woke up in the morning before going to work. She
was feeling a bit sick and told my grandfather. Neither she or he
took it seriously. She went in the bathroom to have a shower and
collapsed. That was it. I got a call that same morning from my
grandfather telling my other grandmother (my mother's mother with
who I live with) about what happend.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Quando alguém morre deixa de ver de ouvir de sentir seja o que
for. Todas as memórias que essa pessoa tinha são apagadas e tornam-se
irrecuperaveis. O corpo entra em decomposição automaticamente
até algum tempo depois reduzir-se a ossos e a pó. Alguns humanos
acreditam que a essência dessa pessoa perdure para além do corpo
físico. Essas crenças são manifestadas de forma diferente em cada
religião ou cultura. No fundo, todos nós temos a esperança de que
uma dessas crenças esteja correta e que a consciência individual
seja eterna.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Sentime chocada, traída pela vida. Nunca pensei que podesse acontecer
a alguém que eu amasse. Também me senti culpada por tudo aquilo que
nunca disse ou fiz com aquela pessoa. acima de tudo nunca ter dito
o quanto a amava.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died from aneurism. It was
quiet sudden
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
A apatia relativa com que reagi. Só interiorizo as mortes das pessoas
quando faço anos, por exemplo, quando penso que os meus avós estão
a perder o meu crecimento que nunca hão de saber que pessoa é que
eu me tornei. Lembro-me que abracei o meu pai pela primeira vez
quando a mãe dele morreu, não me lembro de o ter feito outra vez
desde essa altura.
--What I think my (Portugal) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Que as pessoas que morrem devem ser mais lembradas em vida. Não
deixam de ter as virtudes e os defeitos que tinham antes de morrer.
Os rituais à volta da morte são demasiado espalhafatosos para que
os outros consigam lembram os que morrem sem recorrer aos velórios
e funerais.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Quando o meu avô morreu, num espaço inferir a um ano da morte da
minha avó, ele sofria de cancro. Nessa altura achei que a morte
dele foi uma bençaõ tanto para ele como para a família, mais tempo
seria uma tortura para ambas as partes.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Lidar com o assunto com uma certa frieza. Ser fantasiosa e nunca
assumir emocionalmente que nunca mais vou estar com essas pessoas.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
As discussões familiares à volta de heranças e outros assuntos
prosaicos.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Nunca deixar que se sintam sozinhos. Lidar com a pessoa como
se a vida tivesse um dia seguinte, falar do futuro próximo com
esperança. Acarinhar.
--[My Great GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Despresei todo o tipo de conversas que se referissem à culpa de
ele estar doente do que é que se poderia ter feito, ou não. Tentar
o mais possível lembrar-me do meu avô antes dele ficar doente.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Quando houve a pos´sibilidade de sobredosagem de morfina para
acabar com as dores que ele tinha. Porém a morfina tirava-lhe a
capacidade de discernimento. No fim o meu avô já não reconhecia os
próprios filhos.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Os nervos levam-nos a ter qualquer tipo de reacção. Às vezes é como
se rir afastasse o medo.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Dizer aos meus avós que gosto muito deles.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Não estou agradecida por nada.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
O cheiro do corpo morto não me saio do nariz durante semanas. Como
se todo o ar que eu respirasse estivesse morto.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Como é que o morto iria querer ir vestido para o caixão. Se se
fazia ou naõ autópsia.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Já chorei bastante a preencher este questionário.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
A família estaria unida. Eu veria o meu pai e os meus irmãos mais
vezes. A minha mãe seria uma pessoa mais feliz se o pai dela ainda
não tivesse morrido.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Eu era muito nova e tinha a possibilidade de disfrutar da companhia
dos meus avós mais alguns anos. A minha avó era muito nova para
morrer.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Gostaria de impedir que mais alguém que eu amasse morresse antes
de mim.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Entrei em depressão, ao pensar que mais tarde ou mais cedo isto
iria acontecer a muitas das pessoas que eu amo.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Há muito para aprender...
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Um panico interior, medo de que por estar lá aquilo me podesse vir
a acontecer a mim.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
Never had a religion.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Seria agradável que houvesse alguma verdade nisso.
--Regarding MONEY:
As questões de herança deseniram ainda mais a família.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
O facto do meu avô, por exemplo, ser tão amigo de tanta gente e
foram tão poucas pessoas ao funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Ter ficado a associar o calor e o Verão à Morte, por causa da morte
do meu avô em Agosto.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
O meu avô a perder peso, a deixar de ler e estudar como eu estava
habituada a ver. Ficar deitado numa cama durante 3 meses.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Nunca acreditei que ele fosse realmente morrer até ter acontecido.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Não tive conhecimento destes acontecimentos.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Ñever happend to anyboby I know.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
One only knows wich unsolved issues one haves with a loved one when
that person dies.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would probably have a casual conversation and tell them about my
goals in life.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My mother still dreams alot about her father needing her help. When
he died she told my grandmother that she heard his voice in the
back of the house. that never happened again.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would like to be cremated first of all. The only thing I would
like people to keep in mind as "words of wisdom from the grave",
would be: follow your inner feelings don't waste time and youth as
I did, love and be love, most of all show that love.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Sometimes I think the my own death is easier to deal with than other
people's. But if I knew that I was about to die I would probably
try to solve many of my current emocional problems specialy with
someone I secretly love and woul like very much to be with.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I still ware some of my grandmother's clothes socialy. I feel good
about this, it is like I'm maintaining some of her alive. I also
quote my granfather alot.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
It preety much what I wrote above.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
I try to ignore the fact that people died and deal with it like
they only went away on a trip and never came back
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
Not believing on any kind of existence after death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I would have liked to be better help for my mother that completely
collapsed as a person since my grandfather died.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
A bit painfull, but rewarding to find out that after all these
years I still feel very strongly about the people that I loved.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Can't think of anything right now.
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Mon Jul 3 11:33:50 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 months ago.
Cause of Death: a heart attack; Aged: 80yrs.
--Details:
he died on his birthday and he had all his family with him at the
time.a number that someone
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a number that someone gives u and when your number is called you
die.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very shocked and blocked most of it out.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died suddenly of a stroke.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that i never got to say goodbye as he lived a long way away.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
n/a
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
even though my granfather is dead i still feel that he is with me
when i need him.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
beening able to go for walks on my own and think about things.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
letting them go.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
n/a
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
n/a
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i got a birthday card from my grandmother and my grandad hadnt
signed it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
n/a
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
n/a
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
n/a
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
n/a
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
my exam results because i know he wanted to know how well id done.
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See Jun 00 contributions.
See May 00 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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