^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ See Current contributions. See May 00 contributions. See Apr 00 contributions. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 29 09:55:02 2000 F53 in Kenora, Ontario =Canada= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Child Welfare Social Worker - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Tibetan Book of living and Dying, Peace is Every Step, Pagan Book of Living and Dying, inspiring quotations and poems Recommended Reading-- Writers: Sogyal Rinpoche, Thick Natt Hann, Starhawk - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, a week ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 61. --Details: My sister died 4 months after her husband who also died of cancer. They lived next door to me as do my two brothers and their families and my sisters children and their families are both within walking distance of my country home. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: an experience of loss and change. We lose someone who has been important to us and because of this we are brougt face to face with ourselves. An understanding that the person is moving into another mystery is comforting but does not help in dealing with the loss of that person in my life. Loving nature which is always changing to allow space for the new season is a helpful metaphor for death. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I couldn't stop crying. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I lived on a farm andwhen our cows got too old they were killed and butchered. Iwas not able to eat them although, my parents tried to make me eat them. My father died 20 years ago and that was a difficult experience which I got through with the help of friends and spirituality. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: the sence of relief as my sister had an unrelenting disease and did not want to be embarassed by her body breaking down. I was worried about how her children were taking her death as her son does not have a helpful understanding of it. His main feeling unfortunately has been anger, resentment and depression. --What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it is a natural progression and need not be feared by those who have lived in such a way that they have few regrets. There is a lot of potential healing available for the family at the time of death of a family member. The person dying can heal ruptures of their reality if they choose to at the time of death. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the healing of familial relationships and the reminder of how short our time here is and how precious life is. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: spending time with the people who were dying and making it easier for them and supporting the others around them who were losing that person also. Buddhist books were also helpful to me and friends who reminded me that death is a transition, not an ending. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: loss of their presence in my life. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: It is their life, let them make all the important decisions and support their wishes. Keep talking but let them set the pace. Make them as comfortable as possible and look for the beauty and humour when you can. --[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: spent time with her enabling her to live at home as long as possible. Learned to quilt from her while she was dying and listened to her talk about her life with a loving ear. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: when my sister was depressed and unable to see family other than her children. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I think I am in this stage now as I do feel strangely happy and when I realize this then I feel a little guilty. I think it may come from my sence of relief that she and her husband are no longer suffering and that they now know that there is life after life. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: spend time with both my sister and brother in law when he died four months previously. I am greatful to have facilitated the last visit between my sisters as they had had a conflictual relationship --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: the whole process with both my brother in law and sister was poinant. they both died on the 23rd day of the month four months apart. The day of my sisters death a turtle came to visit at our home and my niece saw a huge snake in town. We have never had crows around and this spring there have been a flock of them. within an hour of my sister dying lots of petals began to fall off the Peony in her room --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: after my father died i got teary eyed when sitting on the bed of my child and realized that she would never have the opportunity to know him ...i will miss my sister when I want to visit and she is not there. I will miss her at Christmas time as she always loved that time of year. I'll probably miss her when the leaves fall. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that she died so soon after she retired and so close to her husband whith whom she had a contentious relationship in life. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I i have not cried for my sisters death yet and expect that I will miss her more over time. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: their cures were more harmful than helpful although the nurses were helpful while she was in the hospital. I will change my diet, exercise more and do more of what I want to do now instead of waiting. I am going to find a good naturopath now and cut out milk products, store bought meat, and examine my sue of petrolium products. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: My dying brother in law had to drive 500 miles to get hospice help and was held up for 5 extra hours because the road conditions were so bad and there had been a big accident. Pretty bad. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: It is not a part of my life but it was helpful to my brother in law who felt a need to convert at the point of death. My sister was not afraid to die and we are creating a memorial which is reflective of her and our love for her whcih is more meaningful to us --Religious Affiliation: I am an Eclectic Wiccan, nature lover, with Buddhist leanings ..... --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: All people are connected whether we realize it or not ...love is the tie that binds...all spiritual practise at a deep level is the same ... --Regarding MONEY: we chose the cheapest creamatorium we could find and will spred the ashes in a way that is meaningful to us --Regarding the FUNERAL: It is the people who express their condolances that reflect back the love that was left behind....It is a good way to see how meaningful the life of our loved one was.... --The weirdest part of it all to me was: not feeling sad right now so soon after the death ... --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Read the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying ... --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: Be patient and understanding of one another as each of us goes through our own process and it is not always easy for others to understand --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': My father's spirit came to me about three months before he was diagnosed with cancer. I lived 1200 miles away and had just been doing some clearing exercises with a friend. At first I thought I was seeing him in the flesh and then I realized he was standing 3 feet above the ground. He opened his arms and started to cry and I knew that he would soon die. I felt that his spirit came tome as I was the only one of his children who had spiritual befiefs. I was at a Reiki gathering shortly after my father died and had not been able to attend his funeral due to financial constraints and I had had waking visions of my father who was an atheist, being led up a cement stairway with a bright light at the top by a spiritual being who instead of walking up the steps with him was walking beside him, holding his hand and just kept getting larger and larger. My father as he went up the steps got younger and when he looked about 13 he turned around and giggled into his hand....I felt that he was aware that I was watching him. A dayor so later I saw my father sitting in a spaceship, controlling panels which affected energy. The energy was making beautiful patterns of light and colour. I felt that he was not aware of me and the message I got was not to worry he was just fine. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I'm fine and have lots of people to talk to if I need to or want to .... --If we were to visit one last conversation... I expect that I would hear that they are in a better place and that they don't want me to be sad for them. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I often dream of my father shortly before some big change happens that will challenge me. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: My sister did not want a service after she died and this was a burden on those of us who loved her so we disregarded this last wish of hers and created a memorial of her. We felt that it is more important for us and a tribute to her and have gone ahead with it as people need closure. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I realize that someday it will be my time to leave time to leave this earth walk. I hope that at that time I will have enough money to pay all the expences for my final transition. Also, I have begun to talk to my children about death and have a will. I am not a saver and have already begun to sort through my belongings to make sure that I don't have more than I need. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I started going through the family pictures and put them on pretty paper with quotes from famous people, funny sayings, value quotes etc.... i had the pages copied so that my mother,sisters and brothers got pictures also. I work with foster parents and was doing some work on the grief and loss cycle and was quite surprised that others had done the same thing after losing someone they loved. I put her photo on our alter at Summer Sostice in the west direction and from now on everyone will put pictues there when we are in circle together. The family has designed a memorial service which reflects my sister and all the beautiful creations she made and gave us over our lives. She will be remembered at Samhain this year and for many years to come. I will talk to her when I want or need to and expect answers to be given to me. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? as above ... her death has made me a better person for I have grown in understanding. --Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death? Yes, the woman who will play the harp at my sisters memorial is a new friend and there have been some others who have reached out to offer solace. My neice told me that I am going to be her second mother but we have always been close. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System My spirituality has been the biggest help to me but books and friends have made the experience softer. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities When my father died my oldest sister was angry and would not allow us to speak to dad about the experience he was having. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I asked what I could do and did it for my sister and her husband. I also let my sister know my limits of care through her medical social worker as I had to balance my energy output with the other realities of my life. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I feel that this is a great way to review the dyig process and examine what worked and what didn't work for a person. It would be beneficial for anyone. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jun 28 19:01:56 2000 Anonymous Guest in , == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] I was bored one night and just stumbled upon you... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 17yrs ago. Cause of Death: accident with construction; Aged: 30?. --Details: He feel from a construction site and was killed immmediatly. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The termination of life, to be eternally asleep in the body. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Became silent, I didn't cry or talk. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my friends dad passed away. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Silence. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: Funerals should be a time of healing, not morning --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: My friend Vicki died, she was a student at Georgia southern university, because of her death many people came to know the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal savior. Do you know him? --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: The Bible --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: The Funeral --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: not sure - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System If they are Christians I know they are in heaven and I will see them one day again. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral Funerals are so depressing, they don't provide closure, but hinder my getting over the death and on with my life. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jun 28 13:20:03 2000 F22 in Kingston, Ontario =Canada= Name: Sherry Email: <sherrylynnhewitt=at=hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Read About it: ] Yahoo Search Engine - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Study Developmental Service Worker - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 years ago. Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 74. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: Saying goodbye forever to someone you love very much and know that you won't ever see or hear them again.. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Cried my eyes out for days. I tried to hurt myself so I could be with them. --That first time, how it happened was It was a relative of mine. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: That everyone cried a lot. --What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is: That you can never be prepared enough for losing someone you care about --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Knowing that my grandfather will be my guardian angel --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Writing my poems to my grandpa and talking in therapy --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: That I didn't have a father and my grandfather was like the father I never had. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: That there are people that have been through it. Find those people and talk about it.. --[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Was able to finally look at the good times instead of dwelling on the negative. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: My mom first told me my grandfather was going to die --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: Laughter got me through it! --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Go see him before he died more. Say I love you one more time --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Keep myself alive and well --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I wrote my letter to my grandpa and put the letter in the pillow of his casket --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: How many flowers he had --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I Cried and just wanted to be in my moms arms.. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying Therapy What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget He was very close to me ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jun 28 12:42:20 2000 F41 in North Hanover , Nj =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Development - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: this has all just happened so I have not had time to think about most of the questions or have not had a time to react/reflect on this most recent tradegy. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 11 days ago. Cause of Death: auto accident; Aged: 17 yrs. --Details: First, it was my best friends son. He apparently was driving fast, not sure if drugs or alchohol were involved. And he was killed. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of life here on earth --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was very upset at the loss --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...relative,grandmother, cancer --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: not being able to believe that person is gone and so young. And wandering around totally unable to focus. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: if the person was suffering, they no longer had to do so and were at peace. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My religious beliefs and the support --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the total loss of that person --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: listening --The most confusing point of death for me was when: first hearing --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: be with the person more --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I felt scared - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 27 19:16:11 2000 F20 in Logan, UT =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: A Grief Observed Recommended Reading-- Writers: C.S. Lewis - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 16yrs ago. Cause of Death: helicopter crash; Aged: 35. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when the soul leaves the body, and that person isn't there anymore. They're body is there, but it no longer functions. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was four years old. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...an accidental death due to criminal negligence. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: I had very little positive interaction with my family afterwards. Everyone seemed to mostly keep to themselves. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I feel that now I can face any kind of traumatic event. I know time really does heal wounds. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: I felt isolated in the pain. No one was emotionally able to sympathize with me. I had to deal with everything on my own and at such a young age. --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: can be there for them when death touches their lives. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it's probably just a way that your mind has of coping with such an inconceivable loss. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: keep so many memories of my dad. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: the funeral. I don't know if I think funerals help anyone at all. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: that we were able to understand where he went, and that he was more needed there than he was here. --Regarding MONEY: my grandparents constantly reminded my mother of the loan they had given my father. It's still a sore spot with me that they did that to her even though she got over it a long time ago. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: I was very angry and suffered quite a blow to my self-esteem. I then became indifferent and eventually learned to deal with it. THis process took several years. Not until recently could I remember my father with affection. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos my family never talked about it. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I think it would have helped if I had been able to talk about my dad openly with my mother. I just knew it was too difficult for her to think much about him. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 27 17:50:51 2000 F40 in , Iowa == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: I would love to share my feelings with others in knowing I could be of some help to othersl - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 week ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 69. --Details: My Mother was diagnosed with cancer Febrary of 2000. She (LIVED) three and a half months with courage and bravery knowing she would be going to Heaven. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: Death is when your body releases your spirit to the Lord. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I felt sad for my loss but geniunely happy in knowing my Mother had gone home to the Lord. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My Mother was diagnosed with two forms of cancer on 2-18-00. Because she was my best friend I was involved and continued to do so until she took her final breath of life here on earth. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The emotions of all who were around me while my Mother took her final breath of life. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: I feel that the culture and society should have more a belief system in knowing that Christ gives everlasting life for whoever believeth in him. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that my mother gave me life so I could live each day for the Lord in bringing those around me to the realization that there is everlasting life after death. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My family, friends but most importantly God and reading my Bible. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Watching the one I love suffer through the pain and trails of facing death. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Being there physically is important, your touch, your smile, your support in letting them know that there is a Heaven and that they will leave this earth but live forever on in Heaven. Letting them know that there own spirit will live on through the peoples lives they had touched. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: The rollercoaster ride in watching my Mother have extremely good days and then watching her struggle the next day with pain from her cancer. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: Laughing is good because it cleanses the soul. I laughed many times with my Mother during her illness because she as well knew the true meaning of real life living and how important it is to keep a smile and sense of humor. Knowing how to balance sadness and laughter is whats important. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: This is a tough one for me because I think we all feel so many emotions when we are watching someone die. I feel we all want to do so much to comfort them by being there for them physically and emotionally yet trying to balance of own life in between, Personally I felt some guilt in thinking perhaps I may not be doing enough. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Spend time with my Mother during her illness. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: When I witnessed my Mother take her final breath. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: Most of my friends would ask if all family would be there when my Mother passed but as a family we all had realized that God would have those there that needed to be there for whatever reason. It happened to be me, my Father and sister in law. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I don't feel that anyone ever forgets there loss and I feel that it is healthy to cry when you feel the need to. I feel that one only has the opportunity to grow from it. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I wouldnt have changed anything here on this earth with my Mother because we indeed lived a happy healthy life, but I if I COULD have changed anything I would have made earth into Heaven for everyone. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... I can't say that I ever thought in was not fair for my Mothers illness because death is in our own Master plan and we all need to accept death at some point. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could When it gets difficult I pray and find peace. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I faced it with the same courage my Mother who was dying had. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: Hospice are angels, but the doctors and nurses in the hospital were to routine with death that they sometimes had no compassion for there patients and family members. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: The Hospice staff are angels here on earth and was awesome support during my Mothers illness, they are the most compassionate humans here on this earth and I will be forever grateful. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: I feel that one who has a realtionship with the Lord gains more insight through the death of a loved one. --Religious Affiliation: Central Baptist. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: There in only one God no matter what religion we practice. We are all a piece of a puzzle here on this earth. God gave us this puzzle to work according to his will in bringing all the pieces of the puzzle together in the name of Jesus and love. --Regarding MONEY: Money is materalistic yet one has to balance the issue with there own way of living. Money should not be an issue during a death and it won't be if you know how to balance the two. God takes care of those who take care of themselves. --Regarding the FUNERAL: How many lives my Mother touched. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: I wouldnt say this is weird but I felt my Mothers spirit going to Heaven this was an awesome experience. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Listening to what the dying person is saying about there approaching death. They know how there body feels and they sense when they are getting close to passing. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: With God All Things Are Possible. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': When my Mother was just hours away from her death she was unable to move, to talk, she could not do anything. Yet just before she died she amazingly sat up and gave my father a hug. We feel it was her angels that gave her the strength to give my Father his last hug from her. We were all in awe with her grace in doing so. --RE: Near Death Experiences: My Mother stopped breathing during her dying process. Again, she could not talk, or even remotetly move her body and lips but just before she died she started breathing again and during this time she was moving her lips, we feel she was talking with the Lord. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I have nothing left unresolved with my Mother, we knew the true meaning of life and lived each day to its fullest. It's so important. --If we were to visit one last conversation... If I could have one last thing to say I would again say, Thank You for being the Best example of Love for me and the rest of our family. Enjoy your new family in Heaven and I will see you again when God sends me to Heaven. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: Power of Attorney is an important factor in knowing that when you are unable to process your own thoughts you will have someone you love and trust that will do this for you. --Any thoughts about your own death?: After watching my Mother die, and witnessing all the emotions of family members, I realized how important it is to prearrange your own funeral because of all the differences and pain during this time. I would want my own family to not have to worry about the funeral so they could take the time needed to deal with there own emotions and grief so they could heal on a healhty level. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I pray all the time to let God know that I love him and by doing this I feel the presense of my Mothers peace and happiness in Heaven. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? My daily life will never be the same without my Mother because she in not here to share life with me, but I will continue to let her spirit of love work through me as I walk the road of life by helping and loving others. --Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death? My relationship with my Mother was aweome and because her and Dad were true soulmates I will continue to be there for my Dad as he has always been for his me and my siblings. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy Knowing my Mother had a personal realtionship with the Lord I therefore knew she was going to Heaven What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I feel that loving others while in the meantime balancing our own needs makes for healthy grieving. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I enjoyed doing this questionnaire because I feel we all have something to learn from someone else. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? Thank You for allowing me the opportunity of share my feelings with others. I feel your questionnaire and personally I don't feel that you need to change anything about it. Thanks again, and May God Richly Bless All of YOU! *smiles* ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 27 14:14:25 2000 F28 in , Michigan =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - More personal info: In case you are wondering about what led up to my thoughts on this, I had someone run out in front of me on a major highway during a heavy traffic period.I barely missed killing this man and that is when I started having the problems.(4-5 months ago) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 10 months ago ago. Cause of Death: old age; Aged: ?. --Details: Two of my grandparents died last summer.I was not told of one until over a month later. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: You cease to exist as others know you. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was traumatized. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I was 8 years old and it was my great grandmother.This was the first and only time that I have ever been to a funeral. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: For the first time in my life 2 of my friends died last summer also.I cried and the realization of never seeing them make me physically sick. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: I don't know. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that I always had my Dad and brother to rely on. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: I'm going thru issues right now with death. How ironic that I came across this site. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: life still will go on without me.... --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: to treat the person like you always have. Not changing and having there world even more confusing. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: never happened and probably never will. I'm very sensitive in the area of death. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: felt terrible.My heart literally hurts and I feel a sickening pain. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: ??? --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: you feel all the worlds lose in yourself.I feel so bad for too many things that I cannot change. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... This I can say I think that all people do. What if I had done this or didn't do that.I can't believe that someone would ever say that they haven't felt or thought of the what ifs. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that we(people) have to feel like this. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could be on permanent vacation without bills or death around me. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: I'm not sure what to say here. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: I don't believe in organized religion. This is segregation in it's oldest form.You can't tell me that I cannot be with someone because they aren't the same religion. --Religious Affiliation: none --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: There is no hell and as where we go after we die...if I knew this maybe I wouldn't be going thru all this emotional turmoil that haunts me. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : There are none....old age and sickness are obvious but oyu take the risk just waking up and eating breakfast. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I am probably one of the most terrified people who has filled in this survey.I don't want to die and I'm very scared of the thought that someone close to me could.I've been to the doctor recently and they put me on a script to help with the thoughts. I've been very sad and distressed on the subject of dying.I was fine until I had something happen which scared the hell out of me.... --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: Pictures and memories.Talking with people who knew the person. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Difficult What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness Nothing helps me with this subject. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body This I still have nightmares about. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Hopefully you can use this info to help people cope with this issue. I don't want to be afraid of this anymore... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 27 00:34:45 2000 F32 in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire =England= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Psychology BSC (Hons) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Neighbor, 10 ago. Cause of Death: road accident; Aged: 16. --Details: studidity. He was hanging out of a car window as his friend swept around a corner. His head hit a lamp post and broke his neck. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end. not being able to act with other live people. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was amazed at how hollow they looked --That first time, how it happened was an old family member died, but we had all been very close to her. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The thoughts that i would never be able to share anything with them again. The loneliness and hollow feeling --What I think my (England) culture needs to better learn about death is: more discussion --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the memories of the time we spent together and the stories I can tell my children about my grand parents --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: memories --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: loneliness and not having the warmth and comfort they had provided throughout my early years --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: talk to them. I didn't know how to and have regretted it for years. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: i was standing over his death bed and couldn't say anything to him before he died - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jun 25 19:44:41 2000 F28 in windsor, ontario =cananda= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: sociologist - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago. Aged: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandmother died in a single car crash when I was 11 - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 24 03:56:38 2000 Anonymous Guest in , == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 yrs ago. Cause of Death: liver problems; Aged: 80. --Details: the hospital allowed for morphine to be put into his system, knowing that eventually he wasn't going to wake up... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of living and being on this earth. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was naive and very much in denial --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my gradngfather died....he was a pivotal person in my life then, and i couldn't deal very well without his presence. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: incredible sadness and a feeling of emptiness thast still there today --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: a dream in which my grandfather comforted me. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: myself, and no one else --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the loss, absence of the person from my life forever - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 23 11:12:51 2000 F25 in St Paul, MN =United States= Name: Claire Email: <luckygrrrrl=at=hotmail.com> Web: http://WWW.claire2clovis.20m.com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: Product Distribution - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 yrs ago. Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 48. --Details: his wife fell asleep at the wheel, they lost control of the Sports Utility Vehicle, and he was tossed out of the vehicle. The vehicle then rolled over him and crushed him. She is a nurse and tried to save him, but couldn't. The only injury she suffered was some bits of glass in her skin. He had been retired from the Navy for only 2 years. They were on their way to a wedding. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The cessation of everything we understand. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Didn't know how to feel. --That first time, how it happened was I am not sure what caused it, but I had such fear. I think I was 5 or 6. And nobody had died. I just understood, and it scared me. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The absolute emptiness in my heart. Something was missing and I was so desolate because I knew it would never return. --What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is: It doesn't matter if you are 1 day old or a hundered years old, you can't predict when it will happen. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: It opened my eyes wide. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: My only sibling. My sister. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: my own self loathing for letting petty problems keep me from being in contact with my father --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Be grateful that you have those moments with them...don't shy away from it, embrace it. Some people don't get the chance to be there for their loved ones. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: When my step-dad hung up the phone, crying, and said that my Dad had died --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Tell my Father he was a good Dad and that I loved him. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: People kept saying "I understand how you feel". I had to tell a couple people that they had no *&%^ clue. They still had both of their parents! --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: It never will go away. I will cry for two people every time I go to a funeral. My Dad, and whoevers funeral I am at. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that my father..genius, comedian, leader...could die beofore I was ready. Maybe he isn't dead...maybe he is working undercover for the government... --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could talk to him --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I fell apart. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: not much...my experience was that instead of comfort, they blew the incident off...death isn't so final when you believe in the Bible. --Religious Affiliation: non practicing protestant. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: like a connection with every single human that has ever walked the planet. I look back in my lineage, and think that those people...even though they are dead, buried and near forgotten, were like me at some point in history. --Regarding MONEY: Everything was paid off on event of his death. It made everything much easier. The house, the funeral...everything. --Regarding the FUNERAL: It was a rememberance of a great man who died to young. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: replaying my fathers dying moments over and over in my head (even though I wasn't there) --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: They were in a sorry mess. We weren't speaking due to mistakes I had made in our relationship. This was the biggest obstacle for me. Time has helped heal some of those wounds...but I don't believe they will ever be resolved..he is dead. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: it is tacky to fight over the deceased's belongings --Any thoughts about your own death?: Death scares the crap out of me...and yet it is the natural progession of things. I fear losing everything that I am..but on the other hand, What will I care if I no longer exist? --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: My friends dragged me to a bar, and I ordered a Red Dog Beer..it was my fathers favorite before he died. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - It is always good to try to sort out those feeling that get buried in the back of the mind. You might not be able to make any sense of it, but you can disacover ways to cope. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 23 10:57:12 2000 F47 in Auckland, =New Zealand= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 2yrs ago. Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 59. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of life --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was with my mothe when she passed away --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was my grandmother died basically of old age. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: shock, and sadness --What I think my (New Zealand) culture needs to better learn about death is: to talk about it more freely --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: time to share the experoience with my family- we do not live close by and gathred together --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: friends --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the not knowing why --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: I did not have the opportunity to be there, so I think to stay intouch ore often --[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: worked out the reasons why before I could rest --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I first heard about it, beause it seemed impossible and inconceivable --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I did not experience this --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say goodbye --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: spend time throughout the funeral and gatherings with the extended family --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: taking time to acknowledge the grief experiences by all people affected - my brother's work mates, ex-wife. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I felt extreme despair, as it was too late to do anything or everything --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: a chuirch ritual for the funeral and sharing the experience with that common cultural heritage. --Religious Affiliation: Salvation Army --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: to be the easiest way to understand the meaning of death and life --Regarding MONEY: N/A --Regarding the FUNERAL: the many people who contributed because of their love for my brother --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: talking it thru with family --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: no unnecessary medical intervention --Any thoughts about your own death?: I would welcome it. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? Live with the realisation that we pass this way only once and to use the time to the max. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: time with people close to me - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - it was useful ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 23 00:57:37 2000 F18 in Ashland, Oregon =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Looking up info on psychology. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Artist - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 yrs ago. Cause of Death: Stroke; Aged: 75. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of a journey. A time to end what has happened and to go on to a better place and world. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I never cried. I excepted it and understood and was happy. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was my grandfather got sick from cancer. We visited him in the hopital. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: That I can't cry at funerals. That death does not scare me. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: The it should be excepted and not feared. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: the union of family members. It only strengthens the bonds between us. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: That I embrace death and do not fear it. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: That others would think that I was uncaring and cold inside. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Letting them know you love them. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: I was never confused. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I know there life and death should be a celabration. It is ok to laugh. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: spend more time with my grandmother. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: my uncle cried. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: the whole ceramony --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: never happens --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... nope --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing. I am not a member of THE CHURCH!! --Religious Affiliation: Pagan --The weirdest part of it all to me was: That I knew they were going to die before anyone esle did. She died 3 days after I told my mother that she would not live through the week. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : The energy around the person --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': none are known of. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jun 18 06:52:40 2000 M29 in , =australia= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Stranger, 18yrs ago. Cause of Death: gun; Aged: 30/35. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of everthing belonging to this world --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I i looked --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...found a man who shot him self 3-4 days earler - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Other: belive that when you are alive you a person when dead just meat. his face ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 16 20:59:02 2000 F22 in sacramento, Ca =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Self (impending), hopefully soon... Cause of Death: lack of life; Aged: young. --Details: I am just waiting for my time to come or for something to push me - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: something you earn for going through so much pain in this world. It is a privilage that few get to indulge in at a young age, but that everyone eventually reaches. if they still have not earned the right to die, they are reincarnated. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was angry, young and didn't know much about it --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... My dad died, but i never knew him, and i didn't care. i think that death is a privilage. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: nothing --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: that different people hold different views, and you can choose what is right for you. no one can know for certain what will happen when you die. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: is that some day I can die too --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: nature. it's spirit lifted me up, an showed me the way. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: jealousy. they got to die before me. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: i was laughing at the irony. people who want to die seem to live long, while others who don't seem to die young --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: to be happy before I die, and to have seen my father, and maybe talked to him --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... it should have been me --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could die --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: is disgusting --Religious Affiliation: none --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: a hell of a lot better than organized religon --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': i think it is a human cultural invention just like jesus - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage i was upset that i never got to know or see him (closed coffin) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 15 18:39:58 2000 Anonymous Guest in , == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: On Death and Dying When Bad Things Happen to Good People Recommended Reading-- Writers: Kubler-Ross, - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Lover, 2 yrs ago. Cause of Death: heart attacj; Aged: . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...came home on Christmas Eve and father found his mother dead in her bed. My grandmother who lived with us. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold I was little and no one discussed it with me at all. Other grandparents died in the same time frame. I was dragged to funeral parlors and nothing said. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body A scary thing for a child. I still don't like the smell of flowers. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jun 14 00:11:22 2000 F23 in kalamazoo, michigan =usa= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: disabled - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 3 yrs ago. Cause of Death: Cancer; Aged: 39. --Details: It still hurts to much to discuss - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: A journey for the soul. You simply leave one existence behind to become part of another. What that existence is, is different for each of us, and we don't know what our will be until we get there. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Was actually quite happy. Grandfather was so sick, and he hurt all the time. It caused me great pain, deep within, to see him hurting. I was relieved to know his suffering was over. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...He was my grandfather. He had been sick with Colon Cancer for about five years, so it wasn't really a suprise. I was glad just to see him out of pain. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: How hurt and absolutely infuriated at my momm I was for waiting nearly 24hours to tell me. And how deserted I felt that my aunt was dead. She was everything in the world to me, I wanted to be exactly like her, I hope I am. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Knowing the people I love will never hurt again. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Saying goodbye. It was impossible. I still haven't done it. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Tell her more often how much I loved and adored her. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Have the time with her that I did. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I hear the theme song from Titanic --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could DIE --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: Where two or more are gathered --Religious Affiliation: Interdenominational --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Nothing, you will never see it coming --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: My Grandmother came to see me a week after she died. She held out her arms and embraced me, I could still smell her perfume, as if she just put it on. It was like she was really there. All she said was,"Don't worry sweetheart, I'm okay. I don't hurt anymore." And then she kissed my forehead and vanished. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I have already seen my own death, and I'm okay with it. It's not like I can prevent it, I will die so why let it bother me. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment I wasn't ready to let go with others. I felt like I still Needed them. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jun 12 19:34:40 2000 F16 in , NC =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: school - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, less than one year ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 50. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: A heart-wrenching occurrence over which we have no control. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I cried, went through denial. Sometimes I still feel like she's here. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I knew her well, she was like my surrogate mother and she died of cancer. It was a long time coming. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Her still feeling like she was here to listen and help me cope with things we used to talk about. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: It hurts and you can't play that off, no matter how hard you try. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Her memory. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: her surviving daughter and husband. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: not having her here. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: listen. --[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: moved on. It hurts and you feel guilty and there will always be an empty place, but you learn to live with it. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: she told me that it was going to happen and that we all needed to let her go and be happy for her. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: it was a lak of control. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: confort my best friend with my feelings sooner so that I might have been able to say goodbye to her mother. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: be a part of her life. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: she told me it was inevitable. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: her being at peace. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I remember all the things we did together. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I'd still have her to talk to. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... she had cancer. She beat it once, why not again? --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Join her. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cried. I couldn't stop. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: irritation. There must have been something they could have done. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing. --Religious Affiliation: none --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: nothing. --Regarding MONEY: her insurance paid for the new house they live in. --Regarding the FUNERAL: how well her daughter and family held up. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: accepting it. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : lack of understanding and denial. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: it was harder to not be there. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': there were none. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: she has re-assured me that she is okay. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: the wishes of the dead should always be honored. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I'd just want to say goodbye. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: making a scrapbook. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? just that I feel detached from everyone and everything because I know that at any moment, it can be gone. --Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death? no new ones, just a replenished closeness with her daughter. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities If it weren't for my best friend (the daughter of the one who died) I couldn't have made it. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I needed her daughter and for the most part, she was there for me. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jun 12 09:18:55 2000 F23 in Hershey, Pennsylvania =USA= Name: Louise - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] Prof/Studies: Studied Literature, in Marketing - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 10 yrs ago. Cause of Death: comlications from a bone-marrow transplant; Aged: 33. --Details: He suffered a little, and passed away the day after I turned 13. Actaully, a few hours after my b-day. I had been very scared that he would die on my b-day, and I never wanted to celebrate it again. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when the body the soul resideds in can no longer handle this world. The soul leaves and the body stops working. The soul continues on, and the remains are laid to rest. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I don't remember, it was my father's father. My uncle's death, and that of a freind who committed suicide, both had the same reaction-disbelief, then anger, then crying. A lot of crying. --That first time, how it happened was My uncle had non-Hodgkins lymphoma and my mother was his bone-marrow donor. I also gave platelets for him. He passed away the day after my 13th birthday, 10 years ago. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: My friend's suicide, 6 years ago, was painful because of his age (17) and all our friends who blamed themselves for not seeing it coming. But I remember thinking that I would not want to put my friends and family through this, that it was not fair to them to do something so selfish. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: Death should be a celebration of the person's life, not a chance to discuss all the things you didn't like about the person. My grandmother's sister in law passed away a few weeks ago, and my grandmother kept talking about how much the family hated her. In all the year's we had been visiting, I had noidea this woman was disliked in our family. I felt that her death should be treated with more respect than my g-ma gave her. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: Watching my g-ma bad mouth her sister-in-law, I realized that people are just downright mean in this world, and nothing is sacred to them. My g-ma andI do not get along, and I have no qualms about letting people know that. I would rather be honest about my feelings in life then be that bitter person complaining once she is dead. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Crying and talking to the person who passed away. I have a very vivid imagination, and when the feelings overcome me (usually, I hold my feelings in--not healthy, but that's what I do) I just cry like a two year old and talk to the person, imagining their answers in my head. It really helps, because I come up with reasons they are happy where they are. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Watching the pain of my mother, and my friends. I felt as though I should be the one to comfort, to confide in. I wanted to be the strong one so others had someone to turn to. --[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Made a promise to my mother about writing his life story. I have put it off, because I don't know if I want to dig up that painful subject. But now I realize that in digging up the past, I am helping other deal with it. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: The funeral of my friend Sam, who committed suicide. The pastor actually had the nerve to turn his service in to a sermon on not doing drugs. As a 16 year old, I was having enough problems dealing with it, I didn't need him blaming something else for Sam's actions. I wanted to be comforted, not lectured. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: It made me realize that life goes on. At my uncle's funeral there were other kids there my age, and we played a little bit in the snow. I didn't feel I was showing disrespect to my uncle, simply that I was showing that his death did not cripple me, and that no matter how painful it was, I knew there was nothing I could do about it. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Talk to my grandfather before he passed away this past Thanksgiving. Tell him I loved him even though I hated his wife, and get him to talk about his son, my uncle who died from cancer. I wanted him to know I loved him, but I think he knew. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Be a part of trying to make my uncle better. Being ableto give him my platetlets made me closer to him, and made me happy when they helped. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I saw my grandfather laying on his hospital bed, before I realized he was gone, I remember thinking he looked like he was asleep. He looked peaceful, as though he would shake himself awake any minute. Then, I realized he was dead and began to cry, but I realized he still looked peaceful. I was glad that he hadn't suffered. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: The funeral. We didn't have a funeral for my grandfather, and at times I thought that was disrespectful, but at the same time I was glad there was no fuss. He wouldn't have wanted one. The people who loved him were there, and there were no family members who could talk about how they never really liked him anyway. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I hear about others with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, and how positive they are, even though it's not a survivorable as Hodgkin's Disease. I hope they won't go through what we went through. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... why, why Uncle Woody, why Sam. There are killers and rapists and mean people out there who deserve to suffer, yet they don't. Why the good people? --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cried. I cried and cried. When my uncle passed away, and we went back to his house, he had four jars filled with money. I had to count the money and put them into coin wrappers, and I was in his room alone, so the entire time I couted the money I cried. It was refereshing. I also blamed that god people always rave about. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: Hope. They did what they could back then, and it's ten years later, and hopefully my uncle's circumstances helped them, even a little, to come closer to a cure, or to come up with a better way to do things. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: Those people do what they can to make everyone understand and cope. So many others in the ward we're dying, or being released, but you never got down or hoped to much: that was their family. The hospital people helped you deal with your family member and their disease. --Religious Affiliation: I don't have one. I went to a protestant church when I was little, and a Christian school for a few years when I was little, but I hated the way those people treated each other. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: Right on. I think the soul is the common link. The soul resides in a body and when death occurs, the soul moves on to another body. We still have the person and the memories, but what made them them has moved on. Kin dof like reincarnation, I guess. That is why you might meet someone later in life that reminds you of a loved one that passed on. --Regarding MONEY: My uncle's life insurance policy went to my g-ma, and she and my g-pa remodeled their house with it. Later, they wished they had invested some of it so they could be more secure. Just recently, when my g-pa passed away, his life insurance went to my g-ma. This was not as much as when my uncle passed on, but my g-ma felt comfortable knowing she would be ok money wise. Then she gave all her kids and grandkids lots of money. She likes to spend. --Regarding the FUNERAL: At my uncle's, a woman he had once dated showed up. Chris. She was very upset, and it was a surprise to see her there. It showed how much he had meant to her. His own ex-wife didn't bother to come. The bitch (sorry) left him a month after he was diagnosed, which was 4 months after they got married. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: Talking to my loved ones after their death. I imagined conversations with them, and they always comfort me. Although, to be honest, I don't think it was just my imagination. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : My g-pa was a huge eater. He loved food. When he began to go downhill, he lost his appetite. I htink that was a big sign. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: crying helped --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I don't know if they had any "visitations" such as these, but my friends and family who have passed on visit me at times, which helps me cope with things. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I don't have unresolved issues with my loved ones who have passed on, I don't think. Other than wishing my g-pa knew I loved him, which I think he did. The only other thing is I wish I could have helped Sam, and perhaps have seen that he was suicidal. But hindsight is always 20/20. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I still hear from them once in a while. It is very helpful in all situations. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I don't see the person, but I can feel their presence. I'll talk to them, sometimes out loud, and they respond in my head. I used to think this was just my imagination, but I always feel at peace afterwards, and I truly think the person has been there with me. Sometimes I kid with them, sometimes I ask advice, sometimes I apologize for things that have nothing to do with them. I always have a smile on my face when they leave. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I want mt family to do what makes them comfortable. After all, if I'm dead, I'm not going to know if htey have an elaborate funeral or if they flush me down the toilet and go out for a beer, am I? --Any thoughts about your own death?: I don't think about my own death too much. Sometimes I think about being in a car accident and dying suddenly, what would happen to my family, my apartment, my job, my cat. How that would affect my friends and relatives. But I don't think about dying old, or of natural causes. Sounds a little weird I guess. I think it's because if I die of natural causes when I'm 89, It's sort of expected. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I always talk to the deceased, tell them how I felt about them and let them know I will always be thinking of them. It really helps. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I keep talking to them. Not as often as after they first passed on, but once in a while. --Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death? I became really close with Sam's closer friends after his death. They were the outsiders at school, the ones with percings and leather jackets and ripped pantyhose and were rebels. Sam wasn't like that, but he was friends with them. I became closer to them and realized that they are just like the rest of the kids in school the preps and jocks and geeks and cheerleaders, although st times they seemed more human and less likely to criticize and lecture. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife I cried alone and held it in when I was with my family because I wanted to be strong for them. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy I hate it when the clergy attempt to justify death, when they go on and on about someone they didn't know and didn't care about. The only time a religious person didn't annow me was at my uncle's funeral, and that was because he knew and loved my uncle as a friend. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I always tried to be there for my friends and family during a death. I tried to be the strong one, even when I was 13 during my uncle's death. Sometimes I wish I could have just been a 13 year old, and had people helping me deal with it, but I'm glad I was there and strong for my mom. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I enjoyed this. It made me realize some things about myself, and caused me to renew my engry in starting on that book for my mom about her brother. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Mon Jun 12 09:08:31 2000 F26 in , MA =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] doing a search looking for help for my husband who is grieving 2 losses - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 6 months ago. Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 52. --Details: My husband, his brother and I cared for my mother-in-law in the last week of her life in her home. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the necessary end to life in order to make room for new life --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was too young to understand fully, then when I got older, I developed a severe phobia of death. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandfather died. We were pretty close. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Numbness and bad feelings all around. There was no connectedness. Too much bitterness. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: That it is final. Children do not understand that death is really the end of things, that is why they kill. Also, death, when it is caused naturally, is just that: natural. We should teach to value human life, but not to fear death --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: other than receiving money inheritance, which I do not like and wish I didn't, I can't think of anything. No, I guess the end of one life makes room for a new one. The world is overpopulated. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: prescription drugs (i am not kidding) --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: feeling suicidal --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: (I was present for the last week of my mother-in-law's life and witnessed her death) Hold the person's hand so she knows she is not alone. Speak to her if you can, but you don't have to. I don't think they can understand, but the noise is comforting, a familiar voice. I could not add to her comfort really, but her sons did. --[My relative's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: had enough strength to endure several days without sleep caring for her and facing down the people who wanted me out of the picture and were taking ou their grief on me. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I know its normal, but I still feel very bad --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say goodbye --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: see her the day before --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: it is Christmas --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could kill myself --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I broke down for several days --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: a bunch of assholes --Regarding HOSPICE etc: Some were kind, some were fairly evil. They can play it off cool because they watch people die every day. I was yelled at by some hospice workers for not knowing something I was never told. Another showed me how to use a nebulizer incorrectly. Hospice is a wonderful idea, but not always carried out well. The workers need to understand that we are not professionals. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: I hate organized religion. --Religious Affiliation: I was brought up Catholic and noow practice a pagan religion, although I refuse to believe in a loving supreme power. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: I believe that in death our spirits become part of a bigger spirit which is then reborn as any number of lives in nature be it human or no. --Regarding MONEY: When my mother-in-law died my husband inherited a good deal of money and it has put a tremendous strain on us. I, in paticular, do not want the money because it feels like blood money. But it is tempting to feel as though we have had a stroke of luck. I have severe guilt concering this. --Regarding the FUNERAL: Tension --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : confusion, slowing down of breath, fewer breaths, comatose --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: Detachment was necessary. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': She said nothing of this. She was not speaking much at the end --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I don't know. y husband needs help and I don't know what to do. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would ask her if she liked me and how I could be better. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: She was an atheist but her parents, who survived her are devout Congregationalists. They conceded on not having a funeral in a church (my husband would not allow it) but then they went ahead and brought a minister to visit her as she lay dying (against her wishes) then had him speak at her funeral about what a good "Christian" she had been. My husband was furious and I know it was not what she wanted. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I wish I was dead already --Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death? no - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything I don't really What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: I'm trying. I don't know what to do. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jun 11 18:13:42 2000 F18 in Shawano, Wisconsin =U.S.A.= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] yahoo surveys - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, yrs 15 ago. Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 60. --Details: i was never made aware of the details - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the opposite of life, one ceases to function and never activly partcipates in the world again. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was three, my mother had the house exercised because i could see and talk to my dead great-grandmother. I could make her do small tricks for me, bring me things throw things across the room. My mother was scared to death of it she had the house exercised after a year of this activity. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...it was my beloved grandfather i was six. i learned german at his feet and made him peanut butter and jelly sandwhichs. he was a sick man but i didn't konw it. he had had six strokes that left him weak and in a wheel chair. he died when he had his seventh stroke. it can still make me cry. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: that i did not cry. i still do not cry. it does not seem to affect me in anyway. When i think of death i hardly think of this most recent death. i think of the ones in my early childhood. --What I think my (U.S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is: natural and not to be feared. it is a release not nessacarly an end. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: discovering what i felt and how i fit into the world around me. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: myself, my own ablity to deal and think it out on my own. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: knowing that it was the end. there was not for sure a time when i will see them again. it was final. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: they are the one dying. people should be comforting them not you. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: i was initally told they had died. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I did laugh death is funny. what's even funnier is all those people around who didn't give a damn about that person in real life. and it gets to be hilarous when you realize the stupidity of a funeral it isn't to remember the dead people or honor them, it's to make the living people feel better about themselves. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: get to know my great-grandmother i was very young when she died. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: survive all those people trying to console me and placate me. and saying they understood. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: viewing the body, the funeral with all that ridicolus pomp and circumstance. there's no point. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: important events occur in my life and i want to invite them and then i realize they are dead. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... i don't think like that. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could live on an island in the middle of the pasfic all by myself. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I came to a sort of peace. i knew there was no more. everything was done. there was nothing left to say or do or change. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: a disgusting ritual that had no point. all there poems and requims weren't going to do anything for anyone dead or alive. why should i sit there. --Religious Affiliation: i was raised a lutheran. i no longer belive --Regarding MONEY: it had my entire family squabbling over the millions granddaddy left. and i do mean millions. It was so revotling everyone sitting around saying i should get more money daddy loved me more. how putrid. most of them rarely if ever visited granddaddy and they wanted his money. the will was air tight. i had no idea until several years ago. but i got a grand portion of the money in a trust fund roughtly fifteen million dollars. so much for the whinning realatives. i loved my granddaddy, i visited him everyday. and would have done whatever he asked. --Regarding the FUNERAL: there were so many people i didn't know that many people could fit in a room. they counted the signatures in the guest book, over three-thousand people had come to visit grandddaddy. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: watching all those people cry. i felt left out. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : i'm not sure. i just tried to be there as much as i could. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: it was better when they died, they were no longer suffering. and hopefully went to some place better. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': my great grandmother died when i was three in what is now my bedroom. they said until my mother had the house exercised that i could see her talk to her. speak the german she could speak. and talked of killing myself to join her. and i could get her to preform small tricks for me. throwing balls making a toy clown laugh.sometimes i can still feel her. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: i think the wishes of the dead are sacred and should be respected whether we like it or not. --Any thoughts about your own death?: i think i do know about my own death. since i was small i have had visions of dying a violent death. i don't know when or how and i wouldn't want to know. i live every day like it's the last. when i die i want there to be a very large party in my honor i think that would be fitting. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: i talk to them. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System my belief system is unconvential i believe we have been dying since the day we were born and there is nothing we can do about why focus on it. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: i volunteered at nursing homes and daycares. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - yes i think it was useful it made me think of things i normally would not have. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jun 11 18:13:03 2000 F18 in Shawano, Wisconsin =U.S.A.= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] yahoo surveys - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, yrs 15 ago. Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 60. --Details: i was never made aware of the details - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the opposite of life, one ceases to function and never activly partcipates in the world again. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was three, my mother had the house exercised because i could see and talk to my dead great-grandmother. I could make her do small tricks for me, bring me things throw things across the room. My mother was scared to death of it she had the house exercised after a year of this activity. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...it was my beloved grandfather i was six. i learned german at his feet and made him peanut butter and jelly sandwhichs. he was a sick man but i didn't konw it. he had had six strokes that left him weak and in a wheel chair. he died when he had his seventh stroke. it can still make me cry. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: that i did not cry. i still do not cry. it does not seem to affect me in anyway. When i think of death i hardly think of this most recent death. i think of the ones in my early childhood. --What I think my (U.S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is: natural and not to be feared. it is a release not nessacarly an end. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: discovering what i felt and how i fit into the world around me. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: myself, my own ablity to deal and think it out on my own. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: knowing that it was the end. there was not for sure a time when i will see them again. it was final. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: they are the one dying. people should be comforting them not you. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: i was initally told they had died. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I did laugh death is funny. what's even funnier is all those people around who didn't give a damn about that person in real life. and it gets to be hilarous when you realize the stupidity of a funeral it isn't to remember the dead people or honor them, it's to make the living people feel better about themselves. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: get to know my great-grandmother i was very young when she died. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: survive all those people trying to console me and placate me. and saying they understood. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: viewing the body, the funeral with all that ridicolus pomp and circumstance. there's no point. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: important events occur in my life and i want to invite them and then i realize they are dead. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... i don't think like that. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could live on an island in the middle of the pasfic all by myself. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I came to a sort of peace. i knew there was no more. everything was done. there was nothing left to say or do or change. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: a disgusting ritual that had no point. all there poems and requims weren't going to do anything for anyone dead or alive. why should i sit there. --Religious Affiliation: i was raised a lutheran. i no longer belive --Regarding MONEY: it had my entire family squabbling over the millions granddaddy left. and i do mean millions. It was so revotling everyone sitting around saying i should get more money daddy loved me more. how putrid. most of them rarely if ever visited granddaddy and they wanted his money. the will was air tight. i had no idea until several years ago. but i got a grand portion of the money in a trust fund roughtly fifteen million dollars. so much for the whinning realatives. i loved my granddaddy, i visited him everyday. and would have done whatever he asked. --Regarding the FUNERAL: there were so many people i didn't know that many people could fit in a room. they counted the signatures in the guest book, over three-thousand people had come to visit grandddaddy. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: watching all those people cry. i felt left out. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : i'm not sure. i just tried to be there as much as i could. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: it was better when they died, they were no longer suffering. and hopefully went to some place better. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': my great grandmother died when i was three in what is now my bedroom. they said until my mother had the house exercised that i could see her talk to her. speak the german she could speak. and talked of killing myself to join her. and i could get her to preform small tricks for me. throwing balls making a toy clown laugh.sometimes i can still feel her. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: i think the wishes of the dead are sacred and should be respected whether we like it or not. --Any thoughts about your own death?: i think i do know about my own death. since i was small i have had visions of dying a violent death. i don't know when or how and i wouldn't want to know. i live every day like it's the last. when i die i want there to be a very large party in my honor i think that would be fitting. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: i talk to them. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System my belief system is unconvential i believe we have been dying since the day we were born and there is nothing we can do about why focus on it. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: i volunteered at nursing homes and daycares. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - yes i think it was useful it made me think of things i normally would not have. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 10 19:40:10 2000 F40 in LIVINGSTON, TN =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: HOUSEWIFE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: The Bible Recommended Reading-- Writers: King James version - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Parents, 21 yrs ago. Cause of Death: father shot my mother and then himself; Aged: him 36/ her 38. --Details: My youngest brother was 8 years old at the time. He is the one who found them. He had a harder time in some ways when he was older about they're death. My middle brother would never cry or speak of it.He was 11 at the time. He will now alittle but he never liked discussing it. I was carring my first child at the time, I felt like I was in a dream. I believe I felt like I was in a dream and that I'd wake up and it would all just be a bad joke. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The body that you see going back to the dust it came from and our soul's, which is what we are anyway, lives on just in another place that, we, that are still alive in our body's can't see. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I Didn't seem to fully understand just what had happen because I was too young. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...I had an older cousin who was on leave from the army. He was killed in an automobile accident and the casket couldn't be open. I remember my father talking about when he went to identify the body he was so sliced up that he looked like bacon and I wasn't suppose to over hear this but it always stuck in my mind. They wouldn't let the women go see him to identify him. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Knowing that our lifes would never be the same. That someone we loved was gone forever at least on this earth as we know it. I felt very lonely. For myself and My brothers. --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: It's not the dieing that hurts the ones who die. It's that the dieing hurts the ones left. The have a void that no one can replace but they could help fill. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I have learned to respect the love of a family and what that means more so than some people who haven't lost they're parents at an early age. But I still think I would trade the not knowing. But God knows best and who am I to say that if they were still here that they may not be suffering or something awful. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: I was married and I made him and my children my life. That helped me more than anything besides God. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Because it was my parents who died I knew that I would never have the true love of anyone who loved me like a parent loves they're child.And for my brothers also to have had that kind of loss at so early an age. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: I was there when my grandfather past away a few years back. He was in the hopital and had had multipule strokes. No one else was there at the time but me and I remember stroking his hair and telling him I loved him. He opened his eyes and looked at me , too weak to speak but I knew he had heard me. I believe we should always let them know that they are leaving this world and someone did care and love them. --[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: Don't take things for granted . We are not guarnteed our next breath and don't take for granted or put off something that you would like to tell someone or show someone until tomorrow. Tomorrow may be too late. Ask questions about your parents lives and learn about them. (others too) So you can know who they were as a person not just what they were to you. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: It happens so quickly and you feel like there should be some drumatic scene like the movies. But often it's just over with. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: Because it does seem like a dream or something or maybe even you feel like your going alittle nuts... Something to break the tension. When you laugh at a time like that some people just look at you so strange. Like why are they laughing but especially if your one who is close to the death you will have emotions at the stranges times to deal with what has happened. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Spent more time with them before they left this world. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: Stay strong for the child I was carring then and to know that God does love us all and helps us when we can't help ourselves. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: They had the burial and they were placing my parents in the ground that's when it hit me hard that I would never see them again , not in this world anyway. --And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was: What they wore. I think people make too big a deal out of what you dress the deceased in. Put them in what they usually wore. That's them. Not all this stuff a funeral home trys to sell you. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: It's mother's day and I'm missing my mom. Or Christmas and there's no one but us kids to celebrate. Not that that's not very good too but we feel the hole it left. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... My children would have had grandparents to help raise, spoil, and teach them. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... why do people who don't even appreciate the love of they're parents still have them and receive the love from them that I would love to have. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could have been in one of those worlds where you could addopt parents. So even though it would not be my orginal parents I could have had the love of someone like a parent and my children the love of someone like a grandparent. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I Realize they would no longer be there for me to have a relationship with. I makes you feel very alone. And a part of you seems to have gone too. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: We'll as far as my parents go there was nothing the medical community could have done that I saw. nor my grandfather. He was old and it was just his time. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: I had an aunt die of cancer and I have family members now dieing with cancer. I myself have not had any contact with hospice but I have known some people who have. They seem to help with the issue of dieing and after all the hurt , anger , denile, etc. Truth does set in and you do have to take care of things before the end comes. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: It helps to have the prayers and support of christians at a time like this. There is strength in the love of christian fellowship. --Religious Affiliation: I am pentecostal now. I was raised in the Church of Christ. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: In some ways this is true. Because we all will experience death. and no matter what your religion, or practice you will experience it. But the way you believe and what religion you are will be something that plays a major role in what happens after your death.... --Regarding MONEY: We'll first of all that's the first thing you have to deal with. You have to decide on a funeral home to take charge of the body. They will try and get you to choose a plan for the burial, a casket, cloths, flowers, time of service, out long you keep the body out , etc. It all adds up and believe me it would be much nicer for you to have all of this taken care of for you loved ones in advance. Money wise and decession wise. You are in such grief that it's hard to think and you don't seem to care about the money at the time but when those bills start rolling in it's a different story. And to be honest it doesn't matter to the deceased what you do they're just a shell now. And I know I wouldn't want my family to put thereselves in debt to pay to bury me. --Regarding the FUNERAL: I couldn't remember everybody that came. I'm glad there was a sign in book so everyone could put they're names in it. I appreciated all the food. And flowers. Sometimes it's better to give the money to the family though instead of flowers. Especially for familys who didn't have life insurance.We were lucky enough that our parents had taken care of that. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: We'll it's alittle different now than when my parents died. We had time to sit with family and friends and talk and support each other. Now it seems like they try to herd you through the funeral process as fast as possible like they think the faster you get it over with the faster you heal. This is not always true. And that seems so weird to me. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : From my experience of loved ones who are dieing and it not being a sudden thing. They usually change to an ashy color. and they're eyes seem to get a film over them. And usually they get where they can't comunicate veribally. And they become weaker and weaker and soon they want eat or drink. It is a very painful thing to watch but believe me they do appreciate the ones who help them at this time. They're breath becomes so weak you think they have stopped breath altogether. But when it finally happens they will usually take one big hard breath and they're gone. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: You feel, sorrow at first , then releaved that they are no longer suffering, then you do what you have to do for the arrangments, and then sorrow again. Then you feel like you don't know what to do with yourself for awhile especially if you have been taking care of someone a long time. But gradually your life will get back to some kind of normalicy. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I had another aunt who died of cancer also they were sisters to my mother. Any way I was told that she heard angels singing and that after that she was in a state of bless. Her pain seemed to be gone and she was at peace. Not long after she past away. --RE: Near Death Experiences: Have heard about this and read about this but I do not know anyone who has experienced this. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: At first I was very angry with my dad at taking himself and my mother (especially my mother). and Then after awhile I came to the understanding that He could not help his state of mind and the things he did. I have forgiven him and moved on. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would ask exactly what happened the day they died. and If there was anything I could have done to prevent it. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: After my parents died I had a dream where my mother came to me and told me to look behind a clock that they always had setting in they're living room. I didn't know what the dream meant. I did go look behind the clock but never found anything. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: I think they're wishes should be upheld. But I also believe they should set down and discuss they're wishes with family members all at once if possible and get everyones oppinion at the same time and let issues be solved before the time comes if they have this chance. And maybe they can explain to someone who has a problem with they're wishes why they feel like they do about it.If no one will listen then write it down so they can read it later. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I'm sure I'd grieve for myself for awhile. maybe even get angry. But then when I chose to accept it I would want to spend all the time I could with loved ones. And maybe do a few things that I wished I'd always done. I'd let people know how I felt about them more and try to write down somethings for my family to remember me by and to have of me. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I don't really know of anything I do, if I do. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? Prayer and bible study daily helps more than anything. --Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death? None that I know of. I was close to my mother in law and felt like I needed her to be like a mother to me but she had 7 children of her own and that was just not to be. But we were friends. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness My parents both died when I was 18 , my belief in God helped me through this more than anything and knowing I had to hang on for my child. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos Sometimes you forget they are dead and you think you see them on a street corner or in a shopping mall. It's very unnerving when this happens. --As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process: It would have been good if someone could have reached out to me to make me feel like I had a family to turn to. My brothers were so young and the rest of the family was too busy with they're own lives. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - Interesting, I believe this could help someone who has never thought about death or ever had the experience to see what people who has had to deal with at the time. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? maybe just ask what people feel happens to the person(s) that die after they are gone.And how it feels to them to die, is it painful when the time comes, etc.Just to see if maybe they believe that death is a part of life and we all must go through it and maybe some of the answer might help someone who is dieing not to be so afraid. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 10 11:03:35 2000 Anonymous Guest in , == Recommended Reading-- Titles: Suicide and the Soul, The Dream and the Underworld, - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...mcy uncle died. Drunk, and fell off a bench, fractured skull. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Denial What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other: Ignorance of what life and death are. How they spring from each other ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 10 07:46:31 2000 F37 in Gloucester, Virginia =u.s.a= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] lOOK up psychology - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: The Bible Recommended Reading-- Writers: God - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 20 ago. Cause of Death: Heart Attrack; Aged: 58. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: It is the release of a soul and spirit from a body that can no longer sustain it. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I I had an appreciation of the overwhelming love a person feels when you want total release of suffering for a loved one no matter the cost of yourself. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...My father was sick from age 52 till he died at age 58. I was from the age=at= 11 to age 17 years old. I was baptised at age 14 so I was able to adjust because of my belief in god's love for me and my family. I had coping mechandism that helped me. I draw pictures that help me express virtually. I wrote poetry to express the feelings I was experiencing at the time. I sing in the chorus at school. Listening to music is good mediatation for the mind. I enjoyed the challenge of education. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: Prayer with my father before he died --What I think my (u.s.a) culture needs to better learn about death is: That family support during a crisis like death is the upmost importance. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: The times I spent with my father --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: God and my family --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: Knowing I would not have my father to talk to. I will see him again in heaven. This thought is comforting. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy My belief that my father's pain and suffering will finally end. Belief in God What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 10 04:43:42 2000 F47 in Mullumbimby, N.S.W =Australia= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: Tibetan book of Living and Dying Recommended Reading-- Writers: Sogyl Rinpoche - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 10months ago. Cause of Death: ovarian cancer; Aged: 46. --Details: A protracted illness. She had been told thatshe had 2 weeks and came hme to die; supposedly. She lived, really lived for another 10months and did many amazing things - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: The end of life on the earthly plane; as we know it. we then move on as a soul to another dimesion beyond the understanding of tis planet --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I I was a junior nurse; 17 years. It was a young boy who had been poorly treated for an ear infection that had entered the brain. I was on night shift and met the parents in the corridor. The boy was not for rescusitiation and had no monitors on.We went into the room together and as I switched on the night light I realised he was dead. It was dreadful for the parents of course and as a junior nurse I switched of the light again and hit the emergency buzzer. That was many years ago; I'll never forget it though. In those days there was not thought of counselling for you; you just got on with the shift..... --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was..death of a close friend from a terminal illness. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The incredible strength of the lady, the love of her family and friends; a feeling of a job well done --What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is: The unchangeability...it is the last taboo. We need to learn not to fear death, to speak more openly about death. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: The stark reality of what is really important in life. To love and be loved. Not all those superficial, unimportant details that fill our lives and cause us stress. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife Knowledge of the illness was very important; understanding that all had been done that was possible What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos One of the first aids-related deaths in our circle; famil didn't know of the illness until very latei ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 9 11:18:43 2000 Anonymous Guest in , == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] fell in - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 16 yrs ago. Cause of Death: hypothermia; Aged: . --Details: alcohol impaired his judgement/senses - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the last trip to the liqour store --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was untouched --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...boyfriend fell asleep outside...died from hypothermia --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: my sadness --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: it is an awakening to our own enevitable fates --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: being comforted by my ma even though it was only briefly --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: they are now in heaven or hell, only they know. what they need now is someone to listen to their confessions before departing - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? The Funeral support is imperitive What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 8 22:44:28 2000 F34 in , == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 3 weeks ago. Cause of Death: complications from kidney/pancreas transplant; Aged: 35. --Details: Had been doing well after transplant - doctors were even talking of releasing him a few days before he died. Infection (?) at pancreas site apparantly ate a hole in one of his arteries. He was having severe internal pain - doctors were thinking it was a bowel obstruction, didn't realize that he was bleeding internally. Finally, infection (or "pancreatic fluid") ate through another artery closer to the surface (staples had been removed to allow pancreas site to heal from inside-out). He essentially bled to death. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...great-grandmother/old age --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could die --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: possible negligence - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? -none- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 8 15:49:10 2000 F20 in , == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: studying for a BM in oboe performance - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 2 1/2yrs ago. Cause of Death: slippery roads...they got run over by a truck; Aged: 17. --Details: In highschool I was in stage crew which was a pretty tight group. His death left us all angry and confused as to how this could happen to a gifted kid who was just goingon a college visit. The irony was that he didn't even want to go to that school - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: Death is a loss to the world but some how I believe that the soul or energy from that person remans forever...we just can't tune into it --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was 9 years old and my grand father was killed in an accident --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my grandfather was driving his truck and someone pulled out in front of hime and he swerved to get out of the way but then his truck over turned breaking his neck and ultimately killed him --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: The most recent death that has occured on my life is that of one of my favorite teachers. She she had the lfe that I thought I wanted but she ended up shooting herself in the head. I was in shock, angry, sad, and agitated. I felt alot like I did when my best friend was killed. It just feels like someone has punched you in the stomach and it leaves this gaping hole in yourself. It's horrible --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: to be open and discuss feelings --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: I haven't gotten to the stage where I can accept death as a positive thing but it brought my friends even closer to one another --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: I don;t know....I tend to bottle up my feelings. Two years after my friend's death with a lot of crappy life experiences in between I got my self landed in a psychiatric hospital for over a month....but I'm also bipolar and suffer from ptsd and did as well....I guess it was a combination of things --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: My whole routine was disturbed,,,there was no Iain when I walked into the stagecrew office for lunch. No more sitting next to Iain in english class and the idea that the rest of my friends and I are growing up and having lives of our own. I'm 20 years old now but Iain is still 17 and when I'm 30 he'll be 17. And the worst was the the day he died and we were talking about our future childre and he said he was going to teach his children all of the oxidation numbers when they were three because of their capacity for learning...but now Iain will never have children --[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: stayed close to my friends...we held each other up I couldn't have done it on my own --The most confusing point of death for me was when: what is that moment when life manages to slip out of a person? Why didn't they fight harder to live --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say good bye to all of the people tha I have lost and tell them how much they meant to me --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: get through my best friends funernal --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I do get teary eyed and sometimes all the feelings of anger and sadness return to me --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... Like I said my friends and I are pretty tight despite the fact that we are now scattered about the country going to different colleges we still see eachother at every break and email each other daily. The only difference would be that there wasn't this persistant shroud of sadness floating above us --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... that is certainly true I still think it's not fair --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could Die myself. turn back time.those sort of thing --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I felt angry and depressed --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: I just wonder if there was one more thing that they could have done to save these people --Religious Affiliation: none --Regarding the FUNERAL: My best friends funeral was held in the biggest church in our town and there were still people standing out side to pay thier respects --The weirdest part of it all to me was: Looking at my friends corpse and bitching that they combed his hair wrong and that the orangy makeup they used on his face was ugly was stupid --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I'm still very angry about what happened --Any thoughts about your own death?: well like I said...I'm bipolar and have had some real downers....I've attempted suicide on two occasions and I self injure...the only thing I can say about my life is that I want control over it --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I learned that life is not fair --Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death? my friends just became closer and supportive of eachother - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out I just left it bottled up inside of me What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 8 03:16:05 2000 F22 in , =Australia= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 15yrs ago. Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 70. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the body sleeps so long it wastes away and the rest seeps out with the last breath --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was too young to understand and not fmiliar with the person, but did like them very much from what I knew of them --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...death by hearta attack, grandfther, have met him twice as small child only --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: angry I didn't know the person better, never had to oportunity to spend time together --What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is: the peaceful unknown --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: ? --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: making sure I spent time and really knew those I love and every person I've ever met is an important human being --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the end leaves the last words stuck on your tongue never to get out but to rome your head forever --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: scary being that close to what death is and having to see it before me --The most confusing point of death for me was when: the grave yard look like a stone hospital. Rows of beds either way you see it --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: we all laugh when we don't know what to think / do, jokes ply on that - the no response response --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: meet relatives I'd never met before --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I knew I was mortal - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child How'd I do? Well being too young to understand What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 8 02:37:34 2000 Anonymous Guest in , == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 ago. Cause of Death: blood clot; Aged: 67. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: an experience which can be painful or it could be instant or it could be slow. but you leave this reality to reach another. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I thought to myself about when it happens to me i want it to be peaceful. --That first time, how it happened was was in a car crash. i was going to thecinema. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: my parents and family crying for days. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: you leave this world and enter another. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that i get to explore the nextworld. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: talking to friends and thinking about it in my sleep. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: havingh to think about the good times because it was painful to me. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: you will explore a new world which is past imagination. --[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: new it wont hurt. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: about the painful side and why people feel scared about dying. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: say i loved them and i will miss them. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I went through my things to see if they belonged to my friend and all i did was to make a prayer saying thank you for being such a good friend. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Very Well What Helped me most deal with death? Other: What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jun 7 17:16:52 2000 F34 in Brisbane, Queensland =Australia= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5-1/2 weeks ago. Cause of Death: renal failure; Aged: 69. --Details: dad's initial illness was bowel cancer 10 years earlier. He explored and was vigilant in utilising both scientific and homeopathic remedies, but not to the point of obcession. He applied the practices of Bernie Segel in his battle and overcame the cancer. Dad was misdiagnosed and did not receive treatment for the actual problem for six months, by which time his bowel became completely blocked and put enormous pressure on his liver and kidneys. Dad had to undergo radical emergency surgery - this meant he would never be able to have recontructive surgery and wore a colostomy for the rest of his life. Dad had intensive chemotherapy and then radiotherapy which caused all sorts of side effects that restricted his lifestyle. About 31/2 years ago he started to have problems with his prostate and urinary tracts, and surgery was not an option due to the side effects of the initial cancer treatment. It was at this point that the doctors advised us that he had been suffering renal failure which was diagnosed 7 years earlier but never treated (we were not advised). By this point Dad had only 25% function in his kidneys. A year ago he got a fistula (a perforation in his small intestine where the leakage cut an abcess through his body and out his back). >From this point forward Dad had a permanent catheta in addition to the colostomy. Dad started taking morphine reguarly then he contracted thrombosis and there was a delicate balance of medications to control his various health problems. We were advised that with the deterioration of his kidneys there would be enormous pressure on his heart and that he would die quickly and painlessly. Dad never stopped fighting and his heart both spirtually and physically was enormously strong and he fought for another year. We had a 10 year head start in preparing for Dad's death and Dad had a great outlook on the process, which although nothing can prepare you, did help us. Dad's awareness helped my two sister's and I to explore the works of Bernie Segel and beyond. I miss him desperately, he was my hero, confidante, a great friend and an inspiration to all of us. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a release from our physical shells. A freedom of the soul. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was at my father's bedside. My first real knowledge/understanding of death, was my father's best friend and then a work colleague and finally my grandmother. These were my only encounters with death and I was not close with any of these other people, so my experience of Dad's death has been profound. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how much I miss him. How sometimes I tinhk he is still alive and then have to remember that he isn't and how empty I feel inside when that happens. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: is that we all had so much borrowed time to really value Dad as a person and not as a Father. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: knowing Dad accepted death and taught us all so much about the dignity and grace of dying. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the unbearable suffering Dad endured in the final 5 months. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: If it is anything like our family's experience, I have to say that being there was THE most important thing. Although Dad was heavily dosed up on morphine, for spending his last 48 hours with him was vital. Although doctor's said he didn't know what was going on and who was there, I can tell you that he knew when I would talk to him, whilst he was capable, but completely unable to communicate, the tiniest facial expressions showed response and understanding. I have an incredible amount of difficulty dealing with this part of Dad's passing, as I could feel so much that he was trapped. He was caught in his useless shell of a body that had broken down and couldn't communicate what he wanted or needed and when his voice didn't work, then he had to rely on his eyes and when his eyes didn't work then he nothing and I just didn't know. And I so wanted to be able to know so that I could help him. --[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: if you have this experience, be there. Don't listen to what other's say and don't let them send you home or tell you to go - argue if you have to, but as I said to my family when they were insisting that I go home - the time I spend without sleep to be at my father's side - so he knows he is not alone - nothing compared to the lifetime of regret I would feel everyday for not being there. --The most confusing point of death for me was when: when I could see that he didn't want to go. He fought for every breath. I always thought it would be more peaceful. I didn't expect that he would fight so hard. And when he cried out toward the last few breaths and I could see that he didn't want to go, but there was nothing I could do to stop it, the helplessness was and still is unbearable. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: This is such a funny tale. My younger sister didn't want to be there and my older sister was overseas, so at the end it was just my husband, mother and me. Dad had passed away and I pressed the hospital buzzer and phoned my sister. The nurse got a Docter and we stayed with him until the Doctor arrived. We vacated the room and left the Doctor to do what he had to. We then came back and spent some time with Dad until my sister arrived. She entered the room and as we vacated she let out this almighty howl and continued to do so - howl after howl after howl. We were walking into the next ward and could still hear her. My husband, as he is want to do, made this smart alec remark "you watch - all of ward 'D' will vacate now" and all three of us just started laughing raucously. We received some very strange looks mostly from the nursing staff - they came to know that we were there for Dad's death - and I'm sure they thought we were incredibly callous. Shortly afterward, in the coffee shop, we did see patients and vistors from ward 'D' and this made us laugh even more. Much later, on the way home, my husband was recounting the story to his daughter and used this description "it was as if Brian told us he was leaving us $50 million and Erica walked in and he told her she got nothing." I was in stitches and still laugh when I recall the incident. We have said that in years to come - when everything settles - we must thank Erica. We are so grateful that this event helped us all through a difficult time. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: tell him how much I love him and how much he meant to me and what a great Dad and man he was. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I see a TV show or movie that has a poignant death, I hve this recall and am more teary that I would be normally. Naturally this memory is still so raw, but somehow I think I will always be touched so much more had I not lost my Dad. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... It seems as though Dad just never had a break. He didn't have a pleasant childhood, his youth was during the depression, his first marriage was a shambles, he excelled in his career, but was never recognised, he encoutered set back after set back with his illness, he never got to see any of the world or experience half the things he wanted to. His greatest achievment was his wife and three daughters. We didn't even give him grandchildren before he died. PS: My older sister became pregnant in December 1999. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: Get a second opinion, and a third and a fourth and keep getting opinions until you really know what is wrong. --Regarding HOSPICE etc: Hospital staff had always been good to Dad and us as a family. The doctors, however lacked the commonsense to tell us everything, in lay terms. They didn't tell us everything and this included side effects and what life would be like after surgery and what Dad could expect after surgery or medication. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing. Spirituality got us through this. --Religious Affiliation: None. This is not a result of my father's illness or death. We have never subscribed to organised religion. --Regarding MONEY: We are happy that Dad took care of Mum, that's all that matters. We are all adults and have made our own paths. --Regarding the FUNERAL: Utter surprise at how many people were there. dad became very reclusive in his last 10 years and Mum and Dad had only lived in the community for 13. People travelled from near and far. We were astounded and humbled by the number of people that came both out of respect for us and for Dad. --SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH : Utter deterioration. Dad was unable to close his mouth and his tongue dried out, although we would spoon tiny droplets of water into his mouth and swab to keep it moist. He lost his eyesight about three days before and was unable to shut his eyelids, so his eyes dried out and needed contant washing and application of drops. At the very end, expect really deep struggling breaths and moans. Dad screwed up his face in pain at the last four or five breaths and cried out terribly. Unfortunatly, I don't think people will com to this site prior to a loved one's passing, I know I didn't and maybe this knowledge would have helped a lot in dealing with this particularly difficult part of Dad's passing. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: was that we were prepared - all of us - and had been for many years, both within ourselves and from Dad. It was never macrbe, but if asked the question Dad would answer openly and honestly. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I was incredibly lucky that in the last 10 years i came to know my father as friend. we would play golf, go fishing, work in the garden, etc. There is nothing that I wish I had said or issues I wish I could have resolved with him. As I said previously, if there was a question to be asked, Dad would answer it. I am very lucky. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I don't want to die yet, I have too much to be experienced, but when the time is right, I have no fear of death - dying is perhaps another issue. It seemed to me to be an agonising process and I would hope that my passing is easier thn the one Dad seemed to experience. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I have a photo of Dad on my bedside next to my husband's photo. Mum gave me Dad's watch - apparently he said that I should have it - although I have no recollection of him saying so - anyway, I was to look after it as I would be the only one who would remember to wind it, so twice a day I wind Dad's watch a think of him. It's my way of remembering him. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age How'd I do? How well - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I haven't really cried since Dad's passing. I accepted it and have just got on with it. I guess I meant I have brought to the surface specific parts of the dying process that I would have chosen to have forgotten, but then again, I haven't shared some of these with anybody. That last 48 hours I had with Dad, we were often on our own and I had some private talks with him. The trapped thing especially - no one know about that excepted Dad and I. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wed Jun 7 15:40:06 2000 Anonymous Guest in , == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, this year ago. Cause of Death: pain; Aged: 78. --Details: my grandmother was in constant pain for almost two years...however it is what she wanted - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the stopping of contact with others --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I didn't understand --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... my Grandfather passed away when i was six --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: my love for my grandmother --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: that life is precious and we must live our life to the fullest --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that my grandmother is no longer in any pain --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: nothing, i had to be the strong one.. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: reality of never seeing them again for a long time --The most confusing point of death for me was when: WHY?? why does it happen - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tue Jun 6 00:06:44 2000 F34 in , maryland == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] yahoo - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recommended Reading-- Titles: "On Death and Dying", "A grief Observed"; "The Great Divorce"; "The Edge of the Garden and Beyond" Recommended Reading-- Writers: Billy Graham, CS Lewis, CS Lewis, Michael Phillips - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 1 1/2 yrs ago. Cause of Death: cardio/pulmonary arrest during emergency surgery; Aged: 38. --Details: Emergency surgery required to repair a perforation of the colon brought about as a consequence of a life long, but non-fatal, disease. He went into cardio/pulmonary arrest just afetr anesthesia while they prepped him for surgery. After 39 minutes, resuscitation efforts were stopped. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when the human body ceases to perform life sustaining functions without the assistance of mechanical devices. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I did not understand what death was. I only knew that I wanted to say good-bye. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... My great grandmother died when I was age 5. I resented not being allowed to attend her funeral to say good-bye. I do not remember being overly sad and probably did not have a good grasp of the concept of death. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: I went into shock when I was told. I hyperventilated and repeatedly said, "Oh my God. Oh my God" for I'm not sure how long. I felt his presence in the room with me, and it drew me from my reverie. I turned toward the presence and said, "I will find a way to be okay." and went back to my litany. --What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is: It is not contagious. You can't catch death like a common cold. Your husband won't die because mine did. You won't be widowed at 32 just because you talk to me. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: That I am a strong and independent woman who can face any situation in life and know it will never be too much for me to handle. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: Faith. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: The loss of companionship. So many old friends came to the funeral. People that my husband and I had not seen for many years. I came home from the wake and wanted to gossip with him about them all. I even tried to pick up the phone to call him and tell him who I had seen. Worst of all, I suppose is raising our two children without being to share it with him. I miss having someone love our children as much as I do. Someone who finds their daily exploits as entertaining/riveting as I do. --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: Allow them to talk about their death and wishes as much as they need to. Do not deny that they are dying as they talk. Listen and listen well. --[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: I have no answer here. --Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that: I am not sure I had this experience perse. I remember sitting in the funeral home and telling my father, "I'm 32 years old and I just picked out a casket for my father." I remember thinking, 'I'm the widow M-----.' and hearing an hysterical laugh in my head. But, I did not laugh for a long long time after his death. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: I have no wishes to change anything at all about our lives together, or the last moments we shared. It was beautiful and loving. --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: afford the funeral. I did not know that funeral homes require 1/3 of the balance before they will begin arrangements. Luckily, my husband had deposited his Christmas bonus only hours before his death and funds were available. --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: people wrote me letters - not sympathy cards. They shared words or quotes that had helped them to deal with loss or tragedy in their lives. One, which came from a virtual stranger, has stuck with me all this time. Also, other people, like the cleaning woman at his office - she didn't even know my name - sent a letter through his company to me to tell me how nice he had always been to her. I treasure the "Bill" stories that people wrote to me about. And, people also sent me photos of him they had taken. I treasure those. --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: we miss holidays together. I cry when the children make milestones like first communion, or when our youngest took his first steps - and their father isn't here to enjoy it with me, to witness their growth and share a proud smile with me. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... I can never envision what it would be like if he hadn't died. I do wish he were here when we get to birthdays and holidays and events for the kids. But, I simply can't look at as a "what if" because it did happen and this is my reality. --Sometimes I think: It's just not fair... I had those thoughts, to be sure. I still have them occasionally. The hardest moment was telling our 6 year old son that his father had just died. It was more painful to helplessly see his pain than anything else in my life. I still cannot justify in my mind how this is fair to a 6 year old and a 1 year old - to grow up without a man who was a most loving father. --It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could have some help once in a while with the kids. It's hard raising them alone and not having a moment to myself. I have no family here to babysit. Sitters are scarce, and my friends make me feel as if it would be an extreme imposition. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I I acknowledged it from the first moment. There was never denial in me. My immediate reaction was literally, "What do I need to do now." which I asked the surgeon. --Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc: a lack of organization and compassion. The staff was wonderful prior to his death. But, after his death, things got pretty messed up and their fear of a lawsuit prompted a complete silence. I was placed in a large glass cubicle and waited an hour before I could see him. They messed up, and he was in the morgue. I had to go there. The crisis nurse on duty had gone home, and I was left to a very mean woman who berated me. It is a nasty story. But, there was a lack of any compassion in how I was treated and a complete lack of care for his body once he had died. Follow up care (requested several times) from the hospital chaplain was never forthcoming. I was told that since my husband was neither a hospital patient (hadn't been admitted to a room yet) and not an ER patient (discharged from ER to go to surgery) he (and I) had escaped the registration necessary to receive compassionate care from the staff. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: a great deal. --Religious Affiliation: Catholic --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: correct. --Regarding MONEY: 1/3 of the funeral costs had to be paid up front before the funeral home would begin anything. Sad but true. I live in Md. and here, the probate court showed me papers that say the first $5000 of the estate goes to the funeral home. The next $10,000 goes to the family. The family ought to come first, in my opinion. It made no financial difference to me, since the funeral home was paid in full before I went to the clerk of courts for letters of administration. But, still, it bothered me to see that the state government recognizes the financial well being of the funeral home more than it does the family of the deceased. --Regarding the FUNERAL: That some people felt the need to speak when they should have remained silent. --The weirdest part of it all to me was: When I first saw him in the morgue. It was only an hour after he had died. They had him in a body bag and we were in the autopsy room (they had "lost" him, and I sat in the hallway for 20 minutes while they searched through the morgue to recognize his face. He was not supposed to be in the autopsy room). I was afraid to touch him. I wanted so much to kiss him while he was still warm - still my Billy. But, I was stupidly afraid of him at the same time. --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: everyone grieves differently. You should give people space and freedom to express their grief as they need to publically and privately. Listening is one of the best comforts that can be offerred. Listening without judgement. And, don't try to micro-analyze every action of the grieving. --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I know that he had at least one experience of this. We did not discuss it in anything other than general terms. He was not afraid of his death and was unafraid of his destination after this 'visit'. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: There are no issues to resolve. --If we were to visit one last conversation... i don't wish for this at all. His last words told me all i needed to know. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: He was with me when I heard that he had died. I felt his presence most strongly and his utmost concern for my well being. I have had a few dreams that were vivid and striking in which he tells me that he misses us and his life with us. There are many other 'experiences' that are difficult to relate. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: My husband was very prepared for his death. His last wishes were detailed and explicit. it made things much easier for me. I have already written advanced directives of my last wishes and included them in my will. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I do not want to die. It would be a hideous thing to die and orphan my two sons. When I am older, I think I will be unafraid of death - secure in the well being of my children once they are adults. I believe that one day, there will be a time when my husband and I are together again. --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: He died on the fifth of January. On the fifth of every month, I drove to the cemetary and placed a white rose on our headstone. I also placed a white rose in a vase near his urn at home. I also lit a candle daily in prayer (a Catholic tradition) for his soul. --Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life? I stopped lighting the candle daily - but still light one for him on special dates. I do not go to the cemetary monthly any more. --Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death? No. no new relationships. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Well What Helped me most deal with death? Other: I didn't understand it at that age. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - I am pretty firm in my thoughts and beliefs regarding death and dying. It did make me cry to think of those last hours together and to involunarily visualize him laying in his casket at the funeral home. - - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? I don't know where this fits in, but here goes. People in my community were very caring. They arranged to bring meals and other comforts to us. While I appreciated their kindness, and I understood their need to 'help' me; it was a burden at times to allow their help. I didn't have time, energy, or desire to socialize and visit with the people who came to bring food. After a while, I resented the constant intrusions and the time it took away from my ability to spend time with my children. I also resented people who felt a need to begin inviting me to their family gatherings. I attended a few, only to discover that the hostess had briefed the guests on my loss and I felt horribly awkward as they whispered behind my back. Oh - that's an important tip for would be supporters - when I'm still in the same room as you -- I really can hear your stage whispers. I may be grieving, but I'm not deaf. There has been an overwhelming sense that I was constantly judged by people for my reactions or lack of public reactions to things. It still occurs and I do not like being defined by his death. We three, myself and my sons, are still individuals and should not be Robinwhosehusbanddied or kidswhosedaddied. We are more than that. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jun 4 17:05:05 2000 F24 in pensacola, fl =usa= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 yrs ago. Cause of Death: drug overdose; Aged: 51. --Details: Supposidly he was on a pain med. that messed up his sense of time and he ended up taking 50 pills withen an hour. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of this life and the gateway to our next life. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was very upset and didn't know how to feel about it. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...my friend was killed while riding his motorcycle --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: how I seemed to lose control of my emotions. --What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is: that it isn't a bad thing. The person involved is no longer in any pain. Although we we may feel a very sharp pain at their passing they can't feel it. When we grieve it isn't for them it's for us. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that he was finally allowed the peace which he could never find in life. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: myself. Being able to think things through for myself helped a lot. It took two years but I was finally able to come to terms with his life and his death. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: that I didn't have a chance to say goodbye. I hadn't spoken to him for over three years. There were also a lot of questions that I wouldn't have liked to ask, and many things I wouldv'e liked to say. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: talk to him --But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to: make it home in time to at least see him --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: I think of all the things he could've done with his life. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I started to lose control of my emotions. I had kept them inside for so long and I didn't talk about it. I started to find myself unable to handle everyday situations without breaking down into tears. I started getting mad and causing arguments with people over silly little things. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: nothing --Religious Affiliation: current :wicca past :christian --SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: it took a long time to really start to grieve. --How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?: I was so angry with him for so long that those feelings lasted even after he had passed away. It's taken a while but I've finally been able to forgive him. --If we were to visit one last conversation... I would want to hear him say that he loved me. I would also like to ask him if there was anything else I could have done to help him. Then I would just want him to know that I love him and forgive him. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I'm not sure if he came back or not. I just remember that I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep when all of a sudden it felt like someone pushed me in the back. It didn't feel like they were trying to hurt me it felt more like it had just taken a lot of effort to make the contact. As soon as I felt that I thought of my father. --Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying: living will --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I sat down with my journal on several occasions and wrote out my feelings - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Music What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sun Jun 4 05:01:20 2000 Anonymous Guest in , == - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 4 ago. Cause of Death: diabetes; Aged: 14. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was...best friend died from diabetes. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sat Jun 3 11:19:47 2000 F18 in Mississauga, Ontario (province) =Canada= Name: Dawn Email: <soccer_freak7=at=hotmail.com> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Prof/Studies: Full Time High School Student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 10 ago. Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 82. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: a stop to all things , it comes out of no where and other times we see it coming but none the less it's a hard thing to deal with because the person who is afflicted with it will never be seen again. only in memories but never in life again. so i'd describe it a a hard change to deal with and an adjustment period that brings times of growth or selfdestruction. all in all a very confusing time to deal with. but still it shouldn't be feared --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I didn't cry. it never realy sank in until a couple years later when i finally realized that it was forever --That first time, how it happened was it was my grandma and she had a stroke but she didn't die right away, after the stroke she lived for about a year and a half longer but she was paralyzed and couldn't speak or do anything her self. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: that it hit me instantly and that i didn't believe that it could happen and i didn't want to except it --What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is: we shouldn't fear it so much and that our culture should try to teach it to kids as a good thing in a way --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that i learned to appreciate live more readily and look at things in a different way --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: time being by myself and thinking and llistening to music which i felt i could identify with. --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: the fact of them notbeing there or not being able to hear their voice or even to smell them and just feel thier prescense --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: to just comfort them - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Music i usually keep all my feelings in about it and it doesn't seem to get me as upset What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories the fact that id never see her again ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 2 13:51:16 2000 F24 in Auckland, =New Zealand= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 7 yrs ago. Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 69. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --That first time, how it happened was My grandfather had a heart attack at his home when I was staying there. My grandmother and I had to perform CPR, call the ambulance, etc. I later helped the ambulance staff with the resuscitation. He died a few hours later in hospital. --Religious Affiliation: Brought up Anglican (Episcopal), went to Catholic school, now thoroughly unspiritual and atheist. --Regarding the FUNERAL: the respect people had for my grandfather, but at the same time many people recognised that he was a difficult man. - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage My grandfather was really a horrible man in life. I didn't like him at all. So I never dealt with his death as such, and I was almost glad he was gone. - - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - This really didn't work for me. Maybe I'm just not into exploring these issues right now. Death is far away from my thoughts - I don't know if that's a good thing. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Fri Jun 2 04:44:07 2000 F35 in Munich, Bavaria =Germany= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 23 yrs ago. Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 78. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: the end of physical life. --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I was devastated. --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... It was my maternal grandmother I grew up with. --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: despair. --What I think my (Germany) culture needs to better learn about death is: Death is not the end of everything. Death is something natural. There's no need to put a taboo on death. --One gift for which I shall always be grateful is: that although death seems to take place on a physical level, one can still feel / be connected to the dead person on a soul-level. --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: soul-connection to the dead person --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: insensitivity by my mother and my father --Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be: holding her hand, sitting on her death bed, praying together, tell her that everything will be okay in case she is afraid --[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I: I don't think I learned that much, but it certainly made me a stronger person. --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: everything was okay; my grandmother knew that I loved her and that was everything she needed to know --I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when: No, this doesn't happen anymore. I cried a lot at the beginning and I communicated with my grandmother although she was dead. And for years I mistook some other women on the streets for her, before realizing that in fact it was not her. --In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened... No, I don't do that. --When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I cried endlessly and I thought there would never be any consolation for this. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: organized religion never meant much to me and it didn't then. for me organized religion cannot provide any consolation. --Religious Affiliation: I grew up Catholic but left this organization. I don't belong to any religious community. --Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc: very true and comforting. --Regarding MONEY: money was not an issue --RE: Visions from the 'Other Side': I wasn't with my grandmother when she died and so I couldn't tell but I am sure that she was very welcome wherever she went to after her death. --RE: After-death visits from our loved ones: I don't think my grandmother visited me as such. But for quite a time after her death I felt her presence with me. It was as if she was still there to watch over me and to talk to me. Even today I think I could connect to her. --Any thoughts about your own death?: I am not afraid of Death. If I had to die very soon, I would say goodbye to my friends and relatives. And I guess I would even look forward to death as I believe in reincarnation. So this death would be a new life for me somewhere else. I believe the actual process of dying is very joyful (according to what I read and heard from other people who watched people dying). --Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope: I had no closing ritual and closure does not feel necessary for me. --Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death? no new emerging friendships - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child How'd I do? A bit rough What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen Although my grandmother was dead I kept communicating with her. What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Thu Jun 1 23:38:32 2000 F18 in Boston, MA =USA= - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Found us by: [ Web Search: ] Prof/Studies: student - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 1 yrs ago. Cause of Death: drugs ?; Aged: 20. --Details: My cousin died recently while at college and it seemed so unbelievable. I was told she took one pill of esctasy and that gave her a blood clot in her brain. I thought that I could easily do the same thing and kept on thinking that she took more than one pill or maybe the e was laced with something or it reacted badly with something else she was taking. anyway, I didn't go to the funeral so it still doesn't seem real. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Death Is: when life ends --The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I didn't believe it --That first time, how it happened was How it happened was... My uncle was dying of cancer because he hadn't seen a doctor for 7 years because he was scared of them. We knew he was going to die for a few months --The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is: that my parents wanted me around to confort them --What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is: nothing --What was of most support to me in my experience with death was: was talking out loud and getting sympathy from others --And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was: seems unreal --Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to: Tell me uncle that he was dumb to not go to a doctor for 7 years --One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when: I carried the casket of my grandmother and I realized that she was in it dead and right next to me. --Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc: not much. But I like their customs (plain casket, sitting shiva, not supposed to ask relatives how they are doing.) --Religious Affiliation: Judaism - - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - - 1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen How'd I do? Adequate What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ See May 00 contributions. See Apr 00 contributions. See Current contributions. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^