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Wed May 31 12:58:58 2000
Anonymous Guest  in ,  ==
Name: Tony Stano
Email: <stano=at=stolaf.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer/surgery complication;   Aged: 54.

--Details: 
     He went it for a rather routine surgery and they disloged a blood
clot that went to his heart and he died.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     An end and beginning.  A person, the body, gets old and dies but
there is something more.  We have a soul, something within us that
trancends time and space and that part of us lives on forever.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     Saw my dad cry for the first time and really didn't know aht was
going on.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...My grandpa died.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     Not feeling that bad compared to everyone else around me.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     an escape from worldly limitations.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the memories that I have and to learn not to take things for granted

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Helping Other People cope 
     My philosophy in life and spirituality


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Abandonment 
     People telling me I should be more upset.
 
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Tue May 30 11:47:55 2000
F17 in ,   ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: blood clot;   Aged: 73.

--Details: 
     He had an operation for his arthritus and it made him develop a
blood clot. He just kept getting worse for ages and eventually his
body just packed up.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when our lives come to an end and westop living.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was very young, as was the person who had died, and it was a big
shock so I pretended it hadn't happened.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My friend had cancer and died when she was 16. We were in a singing
	group together.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     all the people in the church at the funeral and having to stand at
the back.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It's not the end, they've gone to a better place.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the end of my grandfather's suffering.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     the family sticking together.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     not knowing what to say.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     don't be afraid to cry.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     not have said such stupid things to him.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     the last time I saw him alive he was feeling better and doing an
impression of compo off last of the summer wine.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I hugged my sisters.
 
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I think he'd be in too much pain.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I never got to say how much I cared about him.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     say sorry for being such an idiot
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     it still hasn't happened. I still haven't accepted what has happened.

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     lots of support and love from the community
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Methodist
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     all the people who came out in support

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     everybody talking in the past tense

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Denial 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Lack of Awareness 
     I didn't really think it had happened. Even now I expect to see
her any day.
 
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Sun May 28 23:08:45 2000
F33 in , Texas  ==
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: mother
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband,  6 months ago.
Cause of Death: pneumonia;   Aged: 40.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end of life as we know it.  It can be devastating as well as
a mixed blessing.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was scared and confused.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my fiance's grandmother, had met her once,
	fiance was just devastated, difficult for me to see fiance that
	way and especially difficult b/c I had not had any experience with
	death until my mid-20s.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     complete disbelief, utter despair, my children will have to grow
up without their father and they will probably not even remember
him first-hand at all.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     there is nothing you can say to take away the pain of death from
someone who survives the deceased.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the strength and out-pouring of love I received from family, friends,
and even strangers.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my religious faith and knowing that my husband was at peace, even
though I was not.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the loneliness.
  
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I first was told that my husband had died.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I kept telling him, "You need to get life insurance." He kept saying,
"I'm still young.  I will get it eventually."  After he died, with
no insurance of any kind, I would shake my fist at the sky and say,
"I told you so!"
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     see my husband one more time and tell him that I loved him
unconditionally.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     take care of my children in those first few weeks after their
father died.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     my children talk about "Daddy" and I feel the over-whelming sadness
that he will not be here with them as they grow up.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I just can't go there.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that I have to deal with all of the aftermath of my husband's dying
by myself: debts, bills, single-parenting, being a widow at a young
age, problems with the house and car, etc.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     have more help with the children.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     had a panic attack and cried uncontrollably.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     acceptance.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     everything!!!
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Roman Catholic
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     the children and I were left without hardly any money at all.  If it
weren't for my parents and my in-laws, we would be in real trouble.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     I was surprised by the people from my past, my childhood, who were
in attendance, that I had not seen in years.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     Seeing my husband dead, I had never seen a dead body before.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     there were no signs, it was a sudden, unexpected death

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     it comes in waves: it builds up until I can hardly stand it and then
it comes to a breaking point and diminishes.  Out of the clear blue
it starts to build up again.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I know nothing.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     We had some important unresolved issues at the time of his sudden
death, but time and prayer have helped resolve them for me.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I was hoping to hear him say that he was okay, that he was finally
at peace.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     it does happen.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     It is important that your family knows exactly what your wishes
are in the case that you are dying.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I worry more about my own death because that would leave my two
preschoolers as orphans.  It has forced me to get my own affairs in
order.  Also, I am not as afraid of death as I once was because now I
believe that my husband will be waiting to welcome me upon my death.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     talking to his picture or visiting the cemetary when I am having
a rough day.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I have formed a new, stronger bond with my mother in law--she
was widowed less than two years before her son, my husband died,
therefore, we relate as widows and as grieving over the same person.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Adult  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     interesting

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     Have you dreamed of your loved one?  Was it a good or bad experience?

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Sun May 28 12:18:52 2000
M25 in Atlanta, Georgia  =U.S.=
Email: <judejacob=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Sales, musician
 
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	Tibetan book of the dead
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Brain cancer;   Aged: 54.

--Details: 
     It was a long painful process.  He degenerated to 100 pds, and
suffered altzheimer's like symptoms before finally passing away in
our old home.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     Far more painful for those left to deal with the consequences.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     Was 6.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...MY grandmother,and next door neighbor died
	when I was six, and then my cousin was murdered that same year.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     no matter how you prepare, you're not.

--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     That it is a normal cycle of existence.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     it forces you to grow as a human being.  It may take a long while,
but inevitably you take something that is of spiritual value,
such as the fragility and magnificence of life.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     My friends dealing with all my mood swings, and having a spiritual
sense of self.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     The overwhelming feelings of guilt and rage.  To this day I still
have dreams pertaining to lost loved ones , where I'm forced to
relive the events, and am powerless but to watch.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Comfort, and making them still feel loved and wanted.  Knowing that
they will be missed but are going to the next level of life.
 
--[My Father's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Still miss him , but can truly admire all he did for the family,
and how he was always able to put us first.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I struggled over wanting him to die, to end his misery, and selfishly
enough, my own.

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Have told my brother and father how much I truly admired and
loved them.

--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I was visited in my dreams by the deceased.  It was a subconscious
affirmation that they had moved on.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     That it is a process everyone deals with.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I'm dreaming.  Last night even, in my sleep I became overwhelmed
with grief when dreaming about my Dad, and being put back at the
place right before death.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     That is the path to utter lunacy.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     stand back and take a break from being me.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     Began to withdraw.  My brother passed away 10 yrs ago when I was
a teenager, he didn't live at home, so after a few months when he
was never around anymore, I began to realize how permanent it was.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     Parasites, and false prophets.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     unprintable.  Actually the doctors were helpful, but they kept
taking money from a terminally ill patient.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     The world.  I could not have persevered had I no belief in God.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Catholicism was my upbringing, but I'm currently on my own religous
sabbatical.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     That it is a stage of existence, a movement of plains.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     We seemed to use it as a buffer from the pain.  Spending sprees to
try and make up for the grief, but eventually you realize that the
tangibles are just that, and you are back at square one.
 
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     Honestly, there is no preparation, and when people say "well
atleast you were prepared" you want to smack them.  Financially,
yes you can prepare, but otherwise not until it happens.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I believe my brother is in a happier place, but my father has yet
to reach where he wants to go.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     I don't believe in "near death" experiences, but I do believe
that coming close to death will make you appreciate how frail life
really is.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     THe only person you have to resolve issues now at this point, is
your self.  I think it's best to deal with these on your own to
truly grow.  MY unresolved issues are only going to be resolved
with time, and a better understanding of myself.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     My dreams are the most fertile grounds of visitations.  You have
no control or waking conscious thought to interfer.  Unfortunately,
your subconscious will interfer terribly, causing for some horrific
nightmares.  I think it's best to take these visitations with a
grain of salt.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I would resolve any current issues with friends and family, tell
them i love them vey much, and go to a very peaceful place to start
my next journey.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     Spending time writing, drawing, composing, etc.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I wish I had.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Lack of Awareness 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 
     Those deaths still  have little to no effect on me.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     This is a very good question.  Right now the fiance of a close friend
is dealing with her sisters suicide.  She is still having a very
difficult time dealing with it.  On the occasion I do talk with her
about it I find myself more at peace with what has happened to me,
and find my experience useful in helping her.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     Actually, it has made me re-think a couple of things.  It was
helpful, and might provoke a change in how i deal with these
ongoing issues.
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Sat May 27 20:37:40 2000
Anonymous Guest  in ,  ==
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather,  6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure;   Aged: 65.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--That first time, how it happened was
     my grandfather, just after my 1st b'day.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Crying and Crying 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 
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Sat May 27 16:02:56 2000
Anonymous Guest  in ,  ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother,  6 months ago.
Cause of Death: heart problems;   Aged: 78.

--Details: 
     She died at home in her favorite chair knitting a sweater for my mom.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     saying goodbye to someone who you have shared experiences with and
if it is someone who you care deeply for it is hard to do as you
know you will never see that person on this earth again.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     had a hard time believing that it was real because I was in my
30's. I had never delt with such a feeling of loss before and it
was something that consumed my thoughts for months before I was
able to put it to rest in my mind.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandmother passed away suddenly in November
	of 1999.  She and I were very close but I had not spooken to her
	for a couple of months as she lived in a different city.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     a deep feeling of sadness and guilt because my grandmother was not
ill really, she did not give any warning that the time would be
soon so I wish I could tell her how much she ment to me. Although,
now I realise she already knew that even though she hadn't heard
me say it right before she died.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     To know that it is not the end for us when we die but to believe
that we go to a better place where we will see our loved ones when
they die too.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     my grandmother died the way she wanted to die.  She was in her
home of 50 years, knitting a sweater for her oldest daughter and
she passed away quickly and painlessly.  Her heart just stopped
probably just after falling asleep.  She did not want to have the
operation on her heart for fear of ending up like her husband, in
a nursing home and bed ridden for the rest of his life.  She made
the decision not to have the surgery even though the family pressed
her to have it done.  She knew what was right for her in the end.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     talking with my family and photographs helped a lot.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the guilt of not being able to say goodbye.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     unsure
 
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     can think of her every day and not feel sad anymore but happy that
she was and still is a big part of my life and a very positive
influence on me and my family.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I first was told she had passed away. I couldn't believe it had
happened.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I did not experience this.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     tell her how much of an impact her life was on mine. She was a
saint and loved by all who knew her.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     be with my family through it all and comfort my sisters and cousins
and aunts and my mom and in turn they comforted me with hugs and
good words about her and confirming my feelings of wishing I could
have said goodbye to her, they had the same guilt because she was
so good to all of us.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I see pictures of her that I have never seen before or when I hear
a mother's day poem or stories about grandmothers.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would call her everyday and make sure she knew how much she ment
to me without a doubt.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I should have called her like I kept thinking of doing but for some
reason I kept putting it off.

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried a lot and talked about her constantly.

--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     everything happens for a reason and enjoy life while you have it.
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Adult  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Religion/Clergy 
     My mom and sisters talk about my grandmother all the time when
things remind us of her.

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Guilt 
     I had put off calling her because I was "too busy".

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Fri May 26 15:04:36 2000
F21 in Santa Cruz, CA  =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  searching for more info on Bardo.

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Prof/Studies: Music
 
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	Lessons from the Light
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	George Anderson
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: various, long illness;   Aged: 72.

--Details: 
     She had been sick for over a year, after being very healthy her
whole life.  It was originally caused by a sinus infection that
got into her brain, and the symptoms were like that of a stroke.
After that, everything started to go.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     usually considered an end.  To me it is just a passing to another
place.  More of a new beginning.  It is the end of one's time in
their physical body.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was surprised and sad.  I did not feel sad for the person.  Only for
those left behind who were sad.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...My grandpa on my dad's side died of a stroke
	on Christmas Eve.  I knew he was sick.  It was hardest on me because
	i felt sad for my dad.  He had been there when it happened.  He had
	a hard time dealing with it.  I was sad, but i don't recall having
	a hard time.  I didn't want to go to the funeral though.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     how everyone was so sad, although we all had been praying for the
end of her suffering.  The mixture of grief, and yet the ability to
still feel normal at times.  There are other things that i can't
find the words for.  I think everyone felt an incompleteness to
the family, because she was almost the central point of all of us.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that is should not be feared.  It is the cycle of the earth and life.
That without death there can be no life as we know it.  Also,
that just because we die is no reason NOT to live.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the release of suffering.  ?

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     the belief that she would actually be closer to me now.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     this feeling that i will never see her again, even though i
believe otherwise.  The pain of letting go, even though i prayed
for her release.  The frustration of dealing with the opposites of
my beliefs and my feelings.  insecurity.
  
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     spend more time at home.  in a way, not even that, because she was
not even fully there at the end.

--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     grieving.  i had a hard time keeping sad.  at times i felt
insensitive, but i was just unable to dwell on it.  my sadness came
in spurts.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     answering some of the questions here!  also, if a see some one who
reminds me of her, or realize that she will not be there anymore when
i go home.  i also get upset that i have not dreamed of her more.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     i don't think of that.  don't know why.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     she died so young(for how she seemed).  that she was the first to
go of all her friends and family, when throughout her life she was
always the most vibrant and strong.  she was the most alive.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     go visit her.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     was unable to sleep, and just kept crying.  i talked to her in
my head.  i don't think i fully comprehend yet.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     anger.   the medical community, as far as i'm concerned is ignorant,
uncaring, unaware of the value of the PERSON, only playing God.
more interested in preserving a body than presserving a LIFE.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     also anger.  if my mother had not been able to visit every day,
she would have spent a year in this place pooping on herself alone,
without enough water or food, and totally ignored.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     me and us?  for my grandmother it was her foundation and
spirituality.  i have a ver deep respect for her view of religion.
for me orgainized religion has nothing to do with spirituality and
more of control of the masses.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     i was baptised Christian.  right now, i don't know.  i hold beliefs
from many religions.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     correct.  i feel this aspect of spirit should be more important
than religion.  we should explore this more.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     we don't have any.  her savings covered most of the expenses,
but not all.  we were still able to give her what she wanted,
but things are tough right now.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     it seemed unreal?  i'm not sure.  it seemed like the whole purpose
was to just make us sadder.  it is definitely a ritual.  i do think
it serves a purpose to make one accept this, but it was almost like
emotional torture.  it also brought out feeling in me of attachments
to the physical body.  that frustrated me.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     the lack of desire to keep living.  withdrawl.  it must be different
for everyone, i would think.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     she started going to where she said there was nothing, and
she liked it.  she did not feel the pain or frustration of her
physical situation.  toward the very end, she spoke of her mother,
and said she was speaking to her in spanish.  (her native language.)
previously her visions were in english.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     i don't think i have any unresolved issues.  i thought i would feel
guilty for not seeing her enough while she was sick, but that guilt
went away.  i felt it most while she was alive.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     i guess i would just like to hear that she is o.k., and that she
is watching me, us.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     i don't speak spanish, but it was her first language.  after her
death, i heard some one speaking to me in spanish, but i couldn't
understand them.  (in a dream.)  then the dream changed, and my
mom was handing me a valentine card from my grandmother.  it looked
exactly like something she would have picked out.  it was pink with
red writing, and said "con amore"  (with love.)  the same night me
mom dreamed that she saw her. i had another dream later in which she
was telling me about how when life seems bad you can't dwell on it,
because it won't last.  she used to talk like that all the  time.
she also looked the way i remembered her in her best years.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     i don't know if i understand.  i don't want a long drawn out funeral.
maybe a small service.  i don't want my body there.  i am giving
it to science or being cremated.  i would hope that people would
realize that i am not gone, and only somewhere else.  i think it's
important to have your arrangements taken care of wherever possible,
because it was very hard for me and those around me to think clearly
of practical issues.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     i worry most about how it would affect the people close to me if i
were to die soon.  i would also feel like i did not accomplish all
that i should have.   i know it's kind of morbid, but i kind of
look foreward to my death as a learning experience.  i only don't
want it to be painful.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     i have a song i wrote for her.  i sing it, and send it with all my
heart and hope she hears it.  i also speak to her in my head so i
feel like she's not gone.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     i think i'll always send her my song and talk to her.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     no.  i do feel closer to my sister, though.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 
     seeing other people's sadness made it hard for me.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     i don't know.  i personally felt that i needed alone time to be
able to cry loudly, without feeling self concsious.  it did seem
helpful for other realatives to be able to talk about her alot.
all her good qualities.  also, just being there seems important.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     i actually think this questionaire is a good tool for dealing
with it.  thinking of things that sadness might otherwise cause you
to put out of your mind.  it made me cry at times, but that's o.k.
it also helped me realize the conflict going on between the beliefs
i believe i have, and the way i feel.  they are not always the same.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     the one about "rights & wishes of the dying" could be worded more
simply.  i'm still not sure i understood it.  overall, i think these
questions are very carefully worded, and very sympathetic to this
touchy subject for most people.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May 25 20:26:17 2000
F52 in Knoxville, TN  =USA=
Name: Ann
Email: <ably=at=hotmail.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Other: ]
  Widowed sister told me

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: RN
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son,  4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: asthma;   Aged: 25.

--Details: 
     He was allergic to aspirin and his doctor gave him a prescription
for Naproxyn.  He died from an acute allergic reaction

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     a devestating experience when a child dies and often a source
of comfort when someone who has been severely suffering dies.
It depends on their relationship to you and the circumstances from
which they died.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     I was in shock at how the girl's mother reacted.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...we were at a basketball gane and learned that
	a schoolmate had died.  She had a congenital heart defect that no
	one knew about.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     that I hoped I would never lose a child.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     final and irreversible.  One's own demise is not to be feared.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     The wonderful and loving support we received from family, friends
and strangers when our son died

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     having others allow me to cry
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     there would be no new memories to share with others.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     not bothering the bereaved with minute details.  It is too difficult
to make major decisions, and others should feel comfortable making
minor ones, then telling the bereaved what was decided.
 
--[My Son's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     can laugh again, though never as happily.  There is not a dy that
goes by when I don't think about Tommy.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I realized that my mind wouldn't allow me to think clearly during
the first several weeks after Tommy's death. It was very frustrating.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     My mother-in-law would have enjoyed hearing the organist play
"Everything's Coming up Roses" at her funeral. We all laughed
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     eulogize my son at the funeral

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     plan a beautiful funeral.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I realized that my son had come to see us 4 days prior to his death
to say goodbye.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     ?

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I realized that his death must have been so terribly frightening
as he couldn't breathe.  Also, his death could have been prevented
if the doctor had exercised more care.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would find life worth celebrating, andI might have been a
grandmother

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that Tommy died as the world needs more people like him.  He was
so loved by so many.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     die too
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     thought my heart had literally shattered.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     confirmation that the medical profession has a definite "Wall of
Silence" to protect other doctors
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Nothing.  God is in all things, not brick buildings with stained
glass windows.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Current - Druid/ Past- Episcopalian
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     there is something to having angels surround us
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     He left us several thousand dollars of insurance money which we
did not expect.  It was like he was ensuring our future.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     The large number of people who came and expressed their sympathy.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     his mouth didn't look right, and it really bothered me.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     Sour of the moment visits prior to the person's death.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     you survive it, but it changes you forever.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I see balloons everywhere... ball games, in trees, floating in
the sky.  I know they are being sent to me from my son.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     N/A
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I never had any unfinished business with him, and I am at peace
with it.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would tell him that I love him, miss him, and want him to come
get me soon.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     My sister saw Tommy when she was flying in a helicopter over Hawaii.
She said he looked wonderful, and that the vision made her trip.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I have registered as an organ donor.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I am ready, and I am not afraid.  I just hope that it is swift
and painless.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I wrote alot of poetry to vent my pain and sorrow.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I do not fear death.   I think of my son everyday.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     Yes, we have become Godparents to our son's girlfriend.  SHe is
now married, and her husband is very accepting of our prescence in
her life.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Talking to People 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Family's Insensitivities 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I am still not ready/able to reach out much to others.  I find that
most people's problems are really trivial, and will resolve in time.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     Very thought provoking questions.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     N/A

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May 25 15:38:42 2000
F44 in Mt. Juliet, Tennessee  =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Friend ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 7 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 41.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     like going to sleep.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was very frightened.  I thought that since her disease was contagious
that death would be also.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was... My great grandmother died of TB

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     feeling so lost and alone.  Cheated

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     people that have died had to have lived.  Talk about them don't
act as if they never existed.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     it brought our family and friends closer together.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my family being there anytime I needed them to be and going away
when I needed that.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     never being able to touch them or hear his voice, his laughter again.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Do not let anyone in the room that can not handle it.  When my
husband quit breathing his brother started yelling and shaking him
and actually got him to breath another few minutes.  So unfair to
my husband.
 
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Even if you think you can't do it alone, you can.

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Have some time alone with my husband just before he died.  Just to
let him know how much he meant to me and how much I loved him.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Be there with him when he died and let him go peacefully.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I hear music he liked or go to a place that he enjoyed.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would be happy to be alive again.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I waited till I found a man I could spend my life with to get married
and have a child.  I was not going to be a single mom.  Yet here
I am, I did what I was supposed to do and I am still a single mom.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     Just sleep through the greiving process.  Just wake up and be fine
with it.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     I just stopped doing anything for a few days.  I would get my
son to school then come home and do nothing till time to get him.
Somehow I semi functioned in the evening with him but during the day,
I honestly can not tell you what I did.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     modern medicine sucks.  It is all about making the big bucks.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     the church was a life line for me.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Church of God Beth El
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     The way his family tried to act like my son and I had no rights to
be there.  Their feelings and wants should have come first.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     Two days before he died he woke me up at 4:30AM to tell me that
they were here.  He would not tell me who they was but had me go
through the house and visit them.  When I told him no one was here
he seemed surprised that they had left.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I wish that I had let him talk more about dying.  I used to tell
him not to talk that way he was not going to die.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would tell him how much I love him and let him talk about dying
and what he wanted done.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     when my husband was very ill he had a horn that he would blow to get
my attention.  I have heard that horn in the night.  My husbands
grandmother had a visit from him in her dreams.  He put his hand
on her shoulder and kissed her cheek.  When she woke up she could
still feel his hand on her shoulder and no one was there.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I am not as scared of dying as I was before my husband died.  But, I
do have an 8 year old son and I do not want to leave him and orphan.
Every night I pray that I can be allowed to live to see him grown.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     There are several people that I did not know when my husband first
got sick.  These people are now as important to me as any member
of my family.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May 25 09:39:53 2000
F21 in Newcastle, Northumberland  =England=
Name: Lucy
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Law Student
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: strokes/old age;   Aged: 87.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     quite frightening but an inextricably linked to living

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     remember thinking that i should be crying like everyone else.
As i have a large, close extended family i remember the party/wake
afterwards

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...it was a family friend of my grandparents
	and i attended the funeral

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     that i was due to go on holiday at the time and my mum told me to
go anyway.  I was really torn between staying at home and being
with my grandmother and family and going on holiday.

--What I think my (England) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     .......

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     ....

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     having other things to distract me. Knowing that life has to go on
for everybody else
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     seeing how my grandmother suffered when her husband died
  
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     really see my grandad as a person not just a grandad

--Religious Affiliation:
     Brought up catholic now atheist
 
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I think the idea of my own death is terrifying. I'm only 21 but I
get scared of things like cancer.  I think if I found out i was going
to die soon all my priorities and live a completely different life.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 
     i have other things to deal with and as it has never happened
to anyone close to me (except grandparents) it has not upset me
too much.  Death is just a natural end to living

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     Lots of the questions seem presumptive of experiences and many might,
from the way they are worded influence the answers you receive.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May 25 00:44:42 2000
F42 in Valparaiso, Indiana  =USA=
Name: Victoria E. Gallistel
Email: <valpovikki=at=webtv.net>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: Homemaker
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	The Grief Handbook
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Don't remember
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: sudden heart attack;   Aged: 46.

--Details: 
     My husband had not been ill, was not under MD's care, nor on any
legal or llegal drugs.  He died on a Saturday afternoon while we
were watching a movie on tv.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     an end of dreams that will never be fulfilled.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     did not understand what happened to Grandma.  She had been my best
friend and I was her favorite gradchild.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...I was 4 years old and my maternal grandmother
	who lived with us, died.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     I kept saying:  "I don't know what to do".  Whatever I did do was
done automatically, as though I were a robot.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     Other people need to know how important it is for those remaining,
to talk about the one we lost.  It hurts us more to think they have
been forgotten.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     It has made me realize what is truly important in life.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     The online youngwidows support group to which I belong.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     The loneliness.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     N/A
 
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     have become stronger emotionally.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I was making the initial arrangements.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     it was par of the surrealness of it all.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     tell him I love him one more time.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     keep it all together and remain rational while notifying people
about Jim's death.  He was a musician and was supposed to play the
night he died. I was able to contact everyone involved with the
band and explain what happened without becoming hysterical.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     the band held a benefit in Jim's memory and people that didn't even
know my husband came.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     I have never felt guilty.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I hear a special song that he sang just to me.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     It is my opinion that had my husband not died, I would have.
It's hard to explain.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     Jim was such a good person.  Why did he have to die when all these
terrible people are still walking around.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     be a little girl again.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     became very ill and was hospitalized and put on anti-depressants.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     It sucks.  The paramedics came right away, but would not enter my
house because they were afraid of my dogs.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     N/A
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     We were spiritual, not religious.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Episcopalian
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     We all go to Heaven.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     Money was not an issue.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     My mother thought the room I chose was too big.  However, extra
chairs had to be brought in and some people still had to stand.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     I couldn't believe that I was the first widow in the family.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     N/A

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     I'm just glad Jim didn't suffer.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     N/A
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     N/A
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     Jim knows I loved him, but I could have been a better wife.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would want to know if he was happy.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Shortly after Jim died, I dreamt that my big brother and I drove
up to Heaven to pick Jim up because he had been given a pass!

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     Jim and I had discussed our deaths and we knew that each wanted
to be cremated.  One woman asked how my MIL felt about it-I simply
told her it was what Jim wanted.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I don't want to know when I am going to die.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     Every night before I go to bed, I say goodnight to Jim and pray
that he sleep with the angels.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     Same as above.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I have become very close to several of the widows on the list to
which I belong.  We laugh together, cry together, and help each
other cope.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Lack of Awareness 
     Talk about the person who died.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Lack of Awareness 
     My parents did not let me attend the funeral.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     Less than a year after Jim died, the judge who married us died.
His widow is a good friend of my mother's and I have kept in contact
with her, even though there is a 33 year age difference between us.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It helps to write things down and I found it cathartic.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     Not everyone is going to understand the words used in the questions.
I hate to say this, but I think the wording should be simplified.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 24 19:49:07 2000
F37 in Pocono's, PA  =USA=
Name: Lisa DiGenova
Email: <digenova=at=prolog.net>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Friend ]
Prof/Studies: writer
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	"I'm grieving as fast as I can"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband,  11 months ago.
Cause of Death: cardiac arrythmia;   Aged: 42.

--Details: 
     We were at a wedding dancing when he collapsed on the dance
floor. He never had a pulse. Despite everyones efforts his heart
couldn't be restarted. He was on medication for one of the values
of his heart. They said it was minor and not to worry about it. I
have since learned that 1% of people with this value problem die
suddenly without warning.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when our bodies no longer can function. Our systems shut down. Our
souls go on to another place.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     really didn't quite understand about death.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...It was my Uncle who had cerbal palsy.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     Is seeing him collapsing before my eyes. And how fast someone can
be gone.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     to not shy away from people that have suffered a loss. And most of
all NOT to be afraid to talk about the person who died. You can't
just pretend they never lived. People need to be not so uncomfortable
around people who are greiving.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     Are my three beautiful healthy children we had together. That my
husband didn't suffer.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Talking to other widows that were raising young children. They
know just what you are feeling and understand the roller coaster
of emotions you feel. We not only grieve for ourselves but we also
grieve for our children.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     To learn to be on my own. I was with my husband since I'm 18. I went
from my parents house to my husbands. At 36 to be alone and be solely
responsible for myself and my children was very hard and scary.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Don't wait to be asked for help. DO it bring dinner, clean the house,
babysit. So many people say "if you need anything just call" they
do this knowing you will never call them but feeling good about
themselves that they made the offer. Just getting out of bed can
be a chore some days so don't wait to be asked. DO IT!!!
 
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     I've learned I'm much stronger than I ever thought. And even the
darkest days do pass. Time really does heal, one never forgets a
loss this great. I think it truly scars our heart. Soon though the
memories don't hurt as much and you can smile, and even laugh. Your
never the same person you once were though.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     How someone can be dancing and healthy one minute and dead the
next. I think that has been the hardest thing to except.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     My husband would have been happy to know that even at the darkest
time in my life. Our wonderful friends were able to make me laugh
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     I have no regrets, except for his death. We were having a wonderful
day at the wedding we danced, joked, laughed, he told me how much
he loved me . Kissed me, we had even made love that morning before
the wedding. I'm glad he died happy and didn't suffer. I have told
many people that if he could have picked his death he would have
died the way he did. As hard as it was to be there and see him die
before my eyes. I know that everything was done to help my husband
live. So I really don't have any regrets.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Be there with my husband, be the last face he saw before he died.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     that whole day my husband was so extra loving. He was really never
one to show affection in public but that day he couldn't keep his
hands off me. He even kissed me on the dance floor, and told me
how much he loved me.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     The fact that he died at my friends wedding. SHe and her husband
have been wonderful. But when she came back from her honeymoon so
many people said "I'm so sorry about what happened at your wedding"
instead of saying how was your honeymoon.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     When I think about the whole hospital scene. Or at the hotel where
he collapsed, seeing them perform CPR on him.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I have no clue

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that my husband who would have given you the shirt off his back
died when he had so much to live for. He never said a bad word about
anyone, yet he died. Others murder and abuse people yet they live.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     spend one last day with him. Make sure he knew how very much I
loved him.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     When it finally sunk in I became so very sad. Sad for all our hopes
and dreams that would now never be for us. I wonder who will I grow
old with now that he's gone.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     Everyone was so very nice to us. There was another wedding reception
going on at the same time, and it was full of doctors, they came
running with there bags and did everything they could for my husband.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     N/A
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     I felt totally abandoned by my church, and haven't been back since
my husbands funeral
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Catholic
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     I believe our soul goes on to another place. And one dau we are
reunited with our loved ones that have died.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     How expensive it is for the funeral and viewing.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     How many strangers came up to me and told me how my husband had
fed them when they had no money. (we owned a pizzeria)  SO many
wonderful stories from strangers on how he had touched their lives.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     Feeling like your on display.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     N/A

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     N/A
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     None that I know of
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     N/A
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     There is really nothing to resolve.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     To hear him say, I do know how much you love me. Although I really
feel that he did by showing himself in that picture.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Yes, my husband came back the night after he died. I was crying
uncontrollably. When I heard him say " I love you, your going to
be fine" I looked to the corner of the bedroom thinking it had
all been just a bad dream and my husband was here after all. There
was no one there and I thought okay now I'm crazy. Then he spoke
again " I love you, your going to be fine"  I called his name and I
felt him touch my shoulder.  The second time he came back was for
my son's birthday party in Nov , 5 months after his death. I had
finally accepted the fact that he was gone and not coming back. I
spoke to him told him I had found a peace with his death, but how
I wished I could see his face just one last time, and know he was
truly alright. My son was taking pictures of all relative with a
polariod came and my husband appeared in one of the pictures. I'm
no longer afraid to die, I know now there truly is life after death.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I think you should follow there wishes.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I'm not afraid to die anymore. I just hope it isn't for a long
time. My children have already lost one parent.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I wrote to my husband everyday in a journal. First thing in the
moring while my childre were still sleeping. I wrote whatever came
to mind. I also talk to him.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I still talk to him. I'll just say whatever comes to mind.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     my friends that were there at the wedding with us have been the best.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Lack of Awareness 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I do all the time. I'm part of a wonderful online group called
youngwidows and we help each other all the time.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I'm glad some is interested in how we feel.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     none that comes to mind

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 24 17:16:50 2000
F39 in , ontario  =canada=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ UseNet posting ]
  through an egroup called young widows
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	love after life??- title- the healing power of after death
communication
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	joel martin and patricia romanowski
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband,  18 months ago.
Cause of Death: hemorrhage;   Aged: 53.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     going to another life.  Happy? I hope for the person who has died
but hell as we know it for the ones left behind

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     wasn't sure what to do, how to give support to my husband who had
lost his father

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...it was the death of my father-in-law

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     anger, misdirected, at my parents

--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     its okay to let someone who is grieving talk about their loss-it
helps

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     my husband died peacefully, i think he was finally out of pain

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     friends who let me talk, cry, knew what to say, or when not to
say anything
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     being able to touch him, hear his voice, smell him, snuggle up to
him when coming home from night shift- trying to deal with the fact
that we can never do these things again- and knowing that i will
have to wait before i can see him again
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     hold their hand, talk to them as if they can hear you even though
they may not be able to talk back to you
 
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     could love and need someone so badly

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     i was in shock? denial? about 2 to 3 weeks after he died- i felt
nothing at all and couldn't understand why

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     ????
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     say goodbye and i loved you always- at a point when he could have
answered me or acknowledged that he heard me

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     feel close to his children, and stay close to them now
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     ?????????
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     ?????

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     i come home from work and he's not here, when its a beautiful spring
day and he's not with me to go outside and do yard work or sit on
the porch, when i think about all the trips we won't go on together

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     i would never have been so hard on him, so impatient,
un-understanding, i would have shown him more how very much he
meant to me- less time at work, more time together

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that he had to suffer for the last 20 years and go through so much
struggling with his problems, and illnesses to come back each time
and then die young anyway

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     die and be with him
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried, uncontrollably, most of the time, couldn't stop replaying
the final day, hours, minutes, minute of his death and all the days
up to and including the funeral and wake

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     apathy, when a person has a certain health history, the medical
community writes them off as if they don't matter
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     na
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     finally believing that there is more than just this life and we
will be together again- he always believed- i was the doubting thomas
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     catholic
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     right, true and as things should be
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     there was never enough when he was alive, so i worked- now the money
doesn't matter- if i could take back the last time i worked before
he died maybe things would have been different
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     how many friends came-so many i never thought cared- also the
behaviour of his mother-i'll never forget or forgive

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     that it didn't and still doesn't seem real

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     i'm a nurse, i know what to watch for- i sometimes wish i hadn't
known      changes in breathing, consciousness, urinary output,
skin coloring

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     the realization that i couldn't stop what was going to happen,
and i needed to tell him it was ok to leave, that i understood
also that i never thought in a million years the time following
his death would have been this hard- painful, hopeless
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     he always believed in these types of things- his death was peaceful-
i'm sure he had help crossing over
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     not near-death but astral projection- when my husband was working
100 miles away i awoke at night and talked to him in our bedroom-
when i got out of bed and went to the livingroom he wasn't there,
but 100 miles away
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     many regrets for things said and things left unsaid, guess i'll
have to wait til i see him again

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     that i was sorry for the things i should not have said, he would
be certain of how very much i loved him

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     the first time was a smell i associated with him during a very
difficult moment- although i didn't associate him with it at
the time.  the second was a strange series of "coincidences" that
surrounded picking out the etching to go on his headstone- i know
he picked it out, not me, the third, feeling his arm around me in
bed- there have been more, from a feeling or sensation that he was
with me, to smelling him, to dreams where he has said he and our
dog who died 7 weeks after my husband are fine and happy

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     as a nurse and someone who has lost someone very close it angers
me when i see families wanting heroic measures for their loved one
when there is no hope- i'd like to say to them- think of why you are
doing this- it is their life and death- do what they would want, not
what you want for whatever reason, deal with your own guilt, sense
of loss or whatever issues you have later, think about them right now

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     i would welcome it, i don't fear death as i used to, i fear growing
old, sick, useless. i look forward to seeing the people i have lost
and know that when i die the people left behind will join us again

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     he kissed me goodnight every night- we used to say he was tucking
me in- i kiss him goodnight every night

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     ???

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     an even closer bond with his daughter than i had before- i know he
would be very happy about this

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Adult  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Helping Other People cope 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Silence & Taboos 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     at work, dealing with families of younger dying patients, i can
understand their feelings and can better relate to them


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     a way to vent, think, a new venue to help heal

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     ???? rephrase perhaps

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 24 16:01:35 2000
F37 in Sacramento, California  =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
  Grief and Loss Resource Centre

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: Paralegal
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, yesterday ago.
Cause of Death: stroke, old age;   Aged: 92.

--Details: 
     My Gram was old.  About a week and a half ago, she suffered a stroke
and passed away in hospice yesterday evening.  Despite her age,
it just snuck up on me.  I wasn't ready.  I can't believe she's gone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when the body fails us and our essence, our soul, lets go of the
body and moves on.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     Cried.  And I was scared.  And I felt empty.  I knew it happened
in other's lives, but I found it difficult to accept it in my own.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was... A friend at college, a boy who had helped me
	in a class I was having great difficulty with and who made me believe
	I could "do it," drowned while swimming in a canal in California.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     how it sneaks up on you and how it seems to avalanche down beyond
your control.  I remember feeling afraid of the inevitable.
Afraid of this day.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     I don't know.  We are born to spend every day fighting death.
We are put here to live, recognizing that some day we will die.
I guess we need to better learn to really live before we die.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     that I am able to spend time with the people in my life who I love
and that, in some cases, death brings a peace that life couldn't
offer.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     time alone with my thoughts and my memories.  Time to just be sad.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the disbelief.  I still can't believe she's not here any more.
Her smell, her sense of humor, her house with her and her books
and her stuff in it.  Her white sweater. Her brand new shoes.
She can't be dead.  She just bought new shoes.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     just love your people.  Let your heart hurt and love them.
 
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     loved her.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I was trying to understand how capricious and sudden it seems.
Even when a person is old, it seems like there should be some
bellweather announcing death's arrival.  Not that it would help.
The paradox is then I would want some warning of the warning,
ad infinitum, and that's what BIRTH is.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     that hasn't happened to me.  Yet.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     spend more time with her.  Listen to more of her stories.  Tell her
thank you for loving me.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Visit her, 2,000 miles away, two months before she died.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I took out the last letter she wrote me and realized that the person
who wrote those words to me is dead.  But her thoughts are there.
And they still mean the same to me.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     everyone else's stories of death.  Narrow-minded?  Perhaps.
But this experience is mine.  My feelings are what they are.
And they cannot be changed by another's experience.  I appreciate
when someone understands (based on their experience) that my
feelings are simply what they are, but it's difficult for me to
muster sympathy at present for another's not-so-present loss.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I think of the space left in the world by her death.  Not just the
space in my family's life, but the very real space in the world.
Someone else will live in her house, use her stuff, maybe wear
her clothes.  No one will ever use her stationery, or her return
address labels.  Her favorite song is still out there but she's
not there to hear it.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     Fair doesn't figure into it for me.  It's just what it is.  I want
her back.  It's not fair -- it's life.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     not care.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt such loss and such sadness.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     peace.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     My grandmother spent her last three days in hospice -- a beautiful,
green, peaceful place where she received wonderful, loving care.
I recommend it.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     nothing.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Protestant Lutheran
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     right.  I feel like Gram is part of me.  I know she's here.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     money played no part in this recent death
 
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     the disbelief.  I am a rational, intelligent person.  Yet, I can't
believe she's gone.  Forever.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     I knew.  She was old.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     I just need to feel what I feel and to process it in my own way.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I don't know that Gram had any such visitations, but these past
months she has spoken frequently and with longing of my Grandfather
who died in 1966.  She missed him terribly.  I think she was ready
to die.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I was able to visit my Gram two months before she died.  She wrote
me a beautiful letter and told me she was proud of me and glad she
had the chance to be near me and hug me.  I am so grateful.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I just keep telling her I love her.  It helps me to hold her in
my heart.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     Write it down.  My grandmother wanted to go quickly and wanted no
heroic measures taken to prolong her life.  We, of course,honored
those wishes.  No matter your age or health, write down your desires
about such issues.  Disposition of your remains, resuscitation
efforts desired, etc.  Don't leave those decisions to be made by
those who are grieving or afraid of your death.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I don't want to die now, but I am unafraid of my own death.
Death is much harder on those that survive than on the dead.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I talk to my Gram.  It's hard, kind of, but it seems to help me.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I have, through Gram's quick illness and death, become much closer
to my aunts and uncles back east.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Adult  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Passage of Time 
     Kindness of friends and co-workers.  Others understanding my need
to work through it.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Disbelief it could happen 
     It's hard to accept that a person you love and care about is gone.
It's selfish, I know, but I feel such loss
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I just wish someone would have offered to spend time with me.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It has been very helpful having some of the jumble of feelings
smoothed out and put into plain words.  It has made me specifically
address what I'm feeling and thinking.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 24 14:05:36 2000
F41 in Garland, Texas  =United States=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  Searched in Yahoo using the word Bereavement

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: Sales Rep
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	Bereavement Magazine
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband,  10 months ago.
Cause of Death: Cardiomyopathy;   Aged: 47.

--Details: 
     He had just returned from entertaining the US troops in the Balkins 3
weeks prior and waved at me while I was leaving to get my hair cut.
When I returned our 6 year old son was outside crying that his
daddy was dead.  It is hereditary, but my husband showed no signs
and heart problems do not run in his family.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     Death is leaving our physical body behind and going on to something
more beautiful then we could ever imagine.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     crumbled. I do not do this very easily since I am a very strong
person, but it literally brought me to my knees in agony.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...My younger brother completed suicide 5 years
	ago. Over dose of vicadin (the tylenol in it got him).

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     How healthy I thought he was and how much love he had for me and
our son.

--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     How to respond to someone who has lost their husband. Don't lose
track of them after the funeral.  Call them every month, send
them cards, but DO SOMETHING.  And say his name - he was someone -
he still is, he is just not here.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     he died painlessly - one last breath and he was gone (as our
son said)

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     The young widows group that I discovered on the internet. I was
so shocked to discover there were women in their low-20's that had
lost their husband.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Having to do everything myself - trying to figure out his business.
  
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     can handle this "death and grieving".  I believe I wouldn't be this
compassionate to other people or know what to expect when the love
of my life just died 10 months ago (my husband).  I learned all the
grief process 5 years ago and knew that this was going to be painful.
Thank God for Zoloft.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     Right after leaving the hospital and having to go home.  What do
I do now?

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     To hug my husband and make sure he knew that I thought he was the
best looking guy in the whole world and that he knew I loved him
from the earth to the moon.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Stand up - Zoloft again.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     Not even near finished with grieving.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     Turn the clock back 2 years.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     was crushed.   I don't know if I will understand why God needed my
husband and our son's daddy to take him away this soon.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     high regard - they have a tough job.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Baptist
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     just like you stated above. I don't think that its a seperate thing
in heaven - just different levels in heaven.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     Paid for bills and since I got laid off my job on his birthday 2
months later - it was a godsend.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     He was very respected.  The funeral home had told me that they have
never seen so many arrangements and flowers for one person.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     Telling the funeral home how he combed his hair.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     Who knows - with my husband's death - sudden death is one of the
symptoms that you have Cardiomyopathy.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I smelled his colonge while ironing my clothes upstairs. Made me
smile.  The visit was at the cemetary.  I have a phobia of frogs so
when I went back out there to see the grave the first time I noticed
this baby frog sitting by my husband's grave.  I have never seen
another frog around that cemetary - believe me I look all the time.
That frog would not leave - it would hop around and come right back.
I only saw this frog 3 times and the 3rd time our son saw it and
then it never came back again.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     My rights and what I want done are all on my will.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     We release balloons to my son's Uncle and his daddy.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I tend to help other people in my position, yet, I forget that I
am grieving also.  On the outside I look like a normal person, but
it would scare someone to see how broken hearted I am on the inside.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     yes, I have 90 new young widow friends from all over the United
States.  Even though they are "cyber" I consider them some of my
closiest friends.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Adult  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    People's Stories, etc. 
     Took the 6 week course that SOS offers - wonderful - recommend
to anyone...


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Silence & Taboos 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I reach out on the internet to my young widows - they are walking
in the same shoes that I am and understand more than anybody that
I have ran across. It also helps for people to remember that you
still exist - maybe your husband died - but your still here.


Suggested Enhancements: 
	www.bereavementmag.com  and
	www.youngwidows=at=egroups.com

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 24 13:17:35 2000
F30's in maiden, n.c  =usa=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  looking for death test
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle,  17yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car wreck;   Aged: 23.

--Details: 
     fell asleep while driving from n.y. to miami

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     process to another level

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     i felt that i was the reason

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...grandma passed away from cancer in my home
	when i was 3

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     i didn't believe he was really dead and it took a year before i
could cry

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     letting go

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     my husband

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     myself
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     it kept happening over and over to others
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     love and the importance of the person in my life
 
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     life keeps evolving to something better

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     physical pain

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     never felt the need to laugh
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     to see my uncle once before

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     see the mysteries of life
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     not sure
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     to show respect AFTER one dies

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     it's never over

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     not sure

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     why that way

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     look for lessons to be learned from that person

--Religious Affiliation:
     catholic now a spiritualist
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     it came years after the death
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     not sure...i had no unresolved issues with these people

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     this has happend to me... i don't know if it was real or my mind
made this to confort me.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     i wouldn't want those who was against me to come and cry how much
they love me

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     take it as it's ment to be

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     yes..my husband came to me after a friend told me of me getting
married and was killed

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Upbringing 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May 23 22:56:42 2000
F27 in NAVARRE, FLORIDA  =U.S.A.=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: HOMEMAKER
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 9 MONTHS ago.
Cause of Death: UNKNOWN  REASONS;   Aged: 49.

--Details: 
     I WAS VERY UPSET SHE BECAME MY SECOND MOM AFTER MY MOTHER (HER
SISTER) DIED WHEN I WAS 14 I LIVE IN A DIFFERENT STATE THAN SHE
DOES AND WAS FINANCIALLY UNABLE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL THEREFORE I
STILL CAN'T COME TO TERMS WITH HER DEATH I GUESS IT WILL BE REALLY
HARD TO GO BACK HOME AND FINALLY REALIZE SHE'S REALLY GONE IT'S A
TRIP I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT WILL BE LIKE RELIVING MY MOMS
DEATH ALL OVER AGAIN   0

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     A VERY EMOYIONAL EXPERIENCE THAT IS REALLY HARD TO COME TO TERMS
WITH AND I RECOMMEND YOU FIND CLOSURE TO THIS DREADFUL EXPERIENCE
AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE INSTEAD OF LIVING WITH IT DAILY AS I DO

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     THREW MYSELF ON THE BED AND BEGGED GOD TO LET MY MOM BE OK I CAN
STILL SEE MY MOMS EYES STARING BUT UNABLE TO SEE I CAN SEE HER BODY
CONVULSING FROM THE ELECTRO SHOCKS I TOLD GOD I WOULD DO ANYTHING
IF SHE COULD LIVE

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...IT WAS MY MOM I WAS 14 WE FOUND HER DEAD
	IN BED FROM HEART FAILURE SHE WAS ONLY 35 I WATCHED THE EMT'S TRY
	TO BRING HER BACK TO LIFE BY SHOCKING HER IT WAS A VERY TRAMATIC
	EXPERIENCE I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT AND NOONE TRIED TO HELP I
	BECAME VERY PROMISCUOUS AND HAD A BABY WHEN I WAS ONLY 15  I STILL
	CAN'T DEAL WITH THE MEMORY OF IT AND I'M ALMOST 30

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     CRYING NON STOP UNTIL I WAS THROWING UP AND TELLING MYSELF IT
COULDN'T BE TRUE GOD WOULDN'T PUT ME TROUGH THIS AGAIN BUT OF IT
HAPPENED AND ALL THE EMOTIONS THAT I SUPPRESSED OVER MY MOMS DEATH
CAME BACK TO ME TWOFOLD

--What I think my (U.S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     CHILDREN NEED TO BE REMEMBERED WHEN A DEATH OCCURS     ADULTS
SOMETIMES BELIEVE BECAUSE OF A CHILDS SO CALLED RESILIANCE THAT WE
WILL JUST BOUNCE BACK AND RECOVER QUICKLY ESPECIALLY IF THE DEAD
PERSON ISN'T DISCUSSED WELL THAT IS SO UNTRUE HERE I AM ALMOST
30 AND I AM STILL WAITING TO BOUNCE BACK I COULD HAVE DEFINITELY
BENIFITED FROM SOME COUNSELING OR OPEN DISCUSSION WITH MY FAMILY
SPECIFICALLY MY FATHER

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     MY MOTHER ISN'T SUFFERING ANYMORE I GLADLY SUFFER THIS EMOTIONAL
DISTRESS SO SHE DOESN'T SUFFER AND CAN BE WITH GOD ALWAYS  I LOVE
YOU MOM AND AUNT JO

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     MY AUNT JO WHEN MY MOM DIED AND MY HUSBAND WHEN MY AUNT JO DIED  I
FIND COMFORT IN THE FACT THAT I KNOW THEY ARE TOGETHER AND WAITING
AND WATCHING OVER  ME AND MY CHILDREN WITH OUTSTRETCHED ARMS
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     HAVING NOONE TO TALK TO HAVING TO COME TO TERMS WITH BEING ALONE
MY MOM WAS MY BACKBONE TO ME HER AND MY AUNT JO WERE INVINCIBLE
I WISH THEY WERE STILL HERE FOR MY CHILDREN TO EXPERIENCE ALL THE
LOVE THEY GAVE TO ME
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     ALWAYS TELL THEM EVERYDAY HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM TAKE NOTICE OF
ALL THE LITTLE THINGS THEY DO AND EXPERIENCE WITH YOU BECAUSE AFTER
THEIR GONE THESE ARE THE THINGS YOU MISS MOST AND MEMORIES YOU HOLD
MOST PRECIOUS
 
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT POSSIBLE THE DEATH OF MY
MOM WAS THE FIRST "REAL" DEATH THAT HAD OCCURED IN MY LIFE I WOULD
NEVER AT AGE 14 BELIEVE IT COULD HAPPEN SHE KEPT HER ILLNESS A
SECRET FROM EVERYONE SO IT CAME AS A TOTAL SURPRISE TO ALL

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I LAUGHED OUTSIDE THE FUNERAL PARLOR DURING MY MOMS VIEWING I BELIEVE
IT WAS MY BODIES WAY OF DEALING WITH STRESS OVERLOAD EITHER THAT
OR I WAS DELIRIOUS OR A COMBINATION OF BOTH
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     TELL MY MOM HOW MUCH I LOVED HER AND HOW MUCH SHE MEANT TO ME I
WISH SHE COULD HAVE SEEN HER GRANDCHILDREN  SHE ALWAYS USED TO SAY
"GOD LET ME LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE MY GRANCHILDREN" I NOW KNOW THAT
SHE WAS ILL DURING THIS TIME SO HER WISH WAS NOT AS UNREALISTIC AS
I THOUGHT IT WAS AT THE TIME I WISH I COULD HAVE BEEN BY MY AUNTS
SIDE WHEN SHE WAS DYING MAYBE I COULD HAVE HELPED HER SOMEHOW  

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     TRY TO PUT MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER I MARRIED HAVE TWO CHILDREN AND
WENT TO COLLEGE  BUT TRUTHFULLY I BELIEVE THAT MY LIFE IS ALL A
FAKE FACADE THAT CAN CRUMBLE ANYTIME AND EVERYDAY I HAVE TO DO MY
BEST TO HOLD ALL THE PIECES TOGETHER OR I'LL LOSE MY MIND
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     WHEN PEOPLE JUST DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING THEY JUST HUGGED ME AND LET
ME CRY ON THEIR SHOULDER
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     TELLING ME THE STANDARD CLICHES "IT'S FOR THE BEST" SHE'S IN A
BETTER PLACE" AND SO ON WHEN A PERSON IS FEELING SUCH DISTRESS THE
SIMPLE GESTURE OF AHUG GOES A LOT FARTHER THAN ANY WORDS EVER COULD

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I HEAR A SONG THAT WE USED TO LISTEN TO TOGETHER OR I GO TO MY
DAUGHTERS PERFORMANCES AND THINK OF HOW PROUD MY MOM WOULD BE OF
HER GRANDCHILDREN AND HOW MY DAUGHTERS ARE MISSING OUT ON GETTING
TO KNOW ONE OF THE MOST INSPIRING LOVING AND WONDERFUL PEOPLE  GOD
EVER HAD THE PRIVELIGE TO CREATE

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     OH IF IT COULD ONLY BE TRUE MY MOM WOULD BE THE GREATEST MOST
LOVING PERSON TO EVER COME INTO MY CHILDRENS LIFE I CAN SEE HER
CRYING OVER THE JOY OF SEEING HER GRANCHILDRENS BIRTHS I CAN FEEL
HER WARM HUGS AND SMELL HER PERFUME (THE ONLY ONE I'LL WEAR) SHE'S
SLEEPING NOW SURROUNDED BY MY DAUGHTERS AND ALL THE LOVE WE HAVE
FOR HER AND EACH OTHER

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     WHY IS THIS HAPPENING MY MOMS TO YOUNG I NEED HER  WHAT CAN I DO
TO MAKE HER COME BACK

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     TURN BACK THE CLOCK AND GET TO LIVE MY LIFE WITH HER ALL OVER AGAIN
ONLY THIS TIME I WON'T BE ASLEEP WHEN SHE DIES I WILL BE AWAKE SO
I AM ABLE TO GET TO HER AND SAVE HER IN TIME AND SHE WON'T BE ALONE
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     BECAME PHYSICALLY ILL AND WITDRAWN WHEN MY AUNT DIED AND HAD TO
BE MEDICATED  I REFUSED TO GO SEE MY MOM IN HER CASKET DURING HER
VIEWING WHEN I FINALLY DID BEFORE THEY CLOSED THE LID I TRIED TO
CLIMB IN THE CASKET WITH HER I HAD TO BE PULLED AWAY FROM HER UP
UNTIL THAT MOMENT I COULD PRETEND THAT IT WAS ALL A BAD DREAM BUT
SEEING HER IN THE CASKET REALLY THREW ME BACK TO REALITY

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     FOR MY MOM THEY DID ALL THEY COULD FOR MY AUNT THERE IS MANY
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     BABTIST BUT HAVE NEVER ATTENDED CHURCH ON A REGULAR BASIS
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     I REALLY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT MONEY PERSONAL ITEMS PLAYED MORE OF A
ROLE FOR ME LIKE THE STATUE OF THE LADY AND CHILD THAT MY AUNT JO
GOT FOR MY MOM THAT LITTLE BIT OF PLASTER AND PAINT MEANS MORE TO
ME THAN ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY EVER COULD TO ME IT IS PRICELESS
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     MY MOM WAS LOVED BUT WHERE WERE SOME OF THESE PEOPLE WHEN SHE WAS
ALIVE AND THEY DIDN'T GIVE HER THE TIME OF DAY? WHAT HYPOCRITES
WILL THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY SHOWED LOVE TO AND FOR MY MOTHER PLEASE
STAND UP?

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     SEEING MY MOMS CASKET BEING LOWERED INTO THE GROUND AND REALIZING
SHE WAS GONE FOREVER UP UNTIL THAT POINT MAYBE I THOUGHT SHE COULD
STILL COME BACK

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     PEOPLE TALKING OF DEATH EVEN IN A JOKING WAY COULD BE HIDING
SOMETHING AND TESTING YOUR REACTIONS OR TRYING TO TELL YOU BUT NOT
KNOWING HOW AS WAS THE CASE WITH MY MOM

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I WOULD TELL HER HOW MUCH I LOVE HER AND APPRECIATE WHAT A GOOD
MOTHER SHE HAS BEEN TO ME IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE I WOULD HOLD ON TO
HER AND JUST FEEL HER CLOSENESS SO I CAN REMEMBER IT ALWAYS

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I DREAMT THAT MY MOM CAME TO THE BIRTH OF MY DAUGHTER    I WAS DYING
I CALLED MY AUNT JO TO TELL HER GOODBYE THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN MY
MOM WAS AT MY SIDE TELLING ME IT WAS GONNA BE ALRIGHT I TOLD MY
AUNT OVER THE PHONE THAT MOM WAS THERE TO HELP ME AND TO SEE ME
THROUGH TO THE OTHERSIDE AND I DIED

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     MY MOM DIDN'T WANT TO BE BURIED BELOW GROUND AND IT HURTS ME TO
SEE THAT HER WISH WENT UNFUFILLED I WANT TO BE BURIED BESIDE MY
MOTHER WITH MY DAUGHTERS ON EITHER SIDE I WOULD LIKE MY DAUGHTERS
TO NOT BRING FLOWERS BUT MAYBE A DRAWING OR POEM YOU KNOW SOMETHING
OF THEMSELVES

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I WOULD FEEL COMFORTED KNOWING THAT MY MOM IS WAITING FOR NE ON THE
OTHER SIDE  I WOULD PREPARE MY CHILDREN FOR MY DEATH AND HOPEFULLY
MAKE THE TRANSITION EASIER I WOULD HOLD EACH LIVING MOMENT PRECIOUS
AND SPEND IT WITH MY CHILDREN RIGHT UP TILL THE END AND I WILL BE
HOLDING THEM IN MY ARMS WHILE I PASS AWAY

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I LISTEN TO SONGS THAT I SHARED WITH MY MOM AND LOOK AT OLD PHOTOS
AND REMINISCE ABOUT EVERY DETAIL IF THE DAY THAT THE PHOTO WAS
TAKIN IT USUALLY ADDS UP TO A BIG CRYING SESSION BUT I FEEL BETTER
AFTERWARDS

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Crying and Crying 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Abandonment 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     A QUIET SHOULDER TO CRY ON OR A FRIENDLY EAR TO LISTEN JUST SOMEONE
TO BE THERE WHEN I NEED THEM I FELT SO ALONE


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     IT MADE ME CRY LOOKING SO DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF AND DREDGING UP
HIDDEN FEELINGS CAN BE AN EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May 23 09:32:24 2000
M36 in , Florida  =usa=
  Web: http://WWW.themortician.20m.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Funeral Business
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     This was a very interesting web site that i feel would be most
helpful for people who are going through the grief process.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     very idividual , everyones death is different and unique

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was very young and it intrigued me....

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my uncle died as well as a neihbor

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the casket

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     hmmm i will have to think about that one ...

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     no pain or suffering

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     what happens next.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Mon May 22 04:36:14 2000
F58 in Bloomfield, Connecticut  =USA=
Name: Beverly Himelstein
Email: <mjhbjh=at=mwsn.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: Academic Librarian
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     I have had a long, unhappy life. I was put down by my mother as a
child --could do no good by her -- but then would later hear her
braging about me to her friends! I idolized my husband, who was a
medical student when I married him. Unfortuneately, he eventually
got his own practice, and became one of those "gods" you often hear
about -- physicians who feel they can do no wrong since they are so
worshipped by their patients! -- and then they come home to a wife
who knows them better and who, finally, becomes a nag because he
starts coming home later and later every night (says it's due to
having to fill out insurance forms -- later you discover it's his
receptionist's form he's trying to "fill out"). He left me in 1975,
and the divorce was final in 1977. By then, he had put me down as
much as my mother had, and I thought myself unfit for any kind of
work. I was eventually convinced to try for a job as a teahcher's
aide in the local high school, and een though I was sure they
wouldn't want me, I was hired! later on a neighbor showed me an
add for a ibrarian in a local college, and although I once again
said they wouldn't want me, I got that job too! Then the cxustody
battles began. Some very bitter things were said in court, but the
judge just laughed at my ex, and I won custody with no problem. But
what do you do when in spite of the court awarding you custody,
your son says he wants to run away from home if I don't let him go
live with his father in Florida? He was beginning to hate me, and
I could noonger stand that -- so I let him go -- hoping that this
way, at least, he won't really come to hate me! I could go on and
on. After all the court and custidy battles, I became ill. I had
a midified radical mastectomy with recinstruction, followed a few
months later by a gall bladder i=operation, more reconstruction,
foot surgery, a hysterectomy, and a nose operation. I have also
been diagmosed with varying tyes of mental problems -- depending
on which doctor I was seeing at the time! I've been told I was just
depressed, the tht it was ADD, then it was bipolar disorder, and now
it's "simply" OCD -- especially with the subset of hoarding! Now I've
been told tat my arthritis is now inflamatory degenerative arthritis,
with a (major) touch of scoliosis, and I have been runnug a fever
for over 9 weeks! I really believe all of my ills arecaused by my
poor mental state. I am reall starting to understand just how the
mind-body thing works!
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 4 3/4 months ago.
Cause of Death: acute lymphocytic leukemia;   Aged: 32.

--Details: 
     He was ill off-and-on for 4 years. Unfortunately, he lived in
Washington State, while I lived in Connecticut, and wasn't free to
be with him as often as I would have wished. I wasn't een there when
he passed away. He was hospitalized, for over 3 weeks. My younger
son kept telling me not to go out -- that I should visit him when he
was home from the hospital. Then he would just say that no one knew
just how ill my son was, and that he could probably tell me more in
a few days. He kept insisting he would let me know if he thought I
should go out there. Finally, I could take no more and insisted on
coming out -- my sister even offered to accompany me. Well, Brad
blew up at me and said if I were to come I'd risk loosing 2 sons,
not just one! Apparently, his ailing brother, Mead, had given
strict orders that I was not to go out there, and his brother
was just trying to carry out his wishes. At the funeral, Brad
said that Mead just didn't want me to see how bad he looked. They
both just didn't "get" it -- my place was out there with Mead --
I should never have let them keep me from going! When I finally
got to see Mead, at the funeral, it didn't look like him at all,
and although I knew his body was cold, I still had to hold him and
kiss him. How I wish I could have held and kissed him while he was
still alive! It turned out that during the 4 terrible years of his
illness, I was not always informed about his relapses and hospital
stays. Everything was kept secret (to protect me??) which only made
me not realize just how seriously ill he was in December. Up to
then, it seemed these were temporary set-backs that he had always
been able to beat. I just didn't realize that his time was "IT" --
that he wasn't gong to bounce back this time.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the most painful, unbearable tragedy one could experience --
unless it was one's own death, which, the way I'm feeling now,
would be most joyously welcome!

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     pushed the reality of it out of my head.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...My father's mother -- my favorite grandmother
	-- passed away. My mother's mother was a nag (very much loke my
	mother), but I always thought this grandmother's greatest asset was
	that she just loved all of us. It was somethihng we could sense
	-- she never tried to tell us what to do -- she just loved --
	that's all!

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     How wrong it was! I am his mother -- he is supposed to bury me! I
brought him into this world -- I am not supposed to also see
him leave it! So many people have suffered by his passing: his
beloved brother and best friend, Brad; his adoring wife, Tish; his
2 beautiful and now fatherless daughters, only 2 1/2 and 6 years of
age; my parents who have lived very long lives, but didn't deserve to
have to see their first grandchild buried -- and this chile was born
on my mother's birthday, June 11th, which is fast approaching!!!!

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     In my family, children were sheilded from death, grief and dying. We
were never allowed to go to funerals or cemeteries, and could only
imagine the horrors of death from the way the grown-ups kept avoiding
any discussion of it in front of us.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     I am trying to get my religion back. I have begun to return to Friday
night services at my temple, and am trying very hard to find some
meaning in my son's death. I have asked G-d over and over why he had
to take my son at such an early age -- when he had so much to look
forward to in life. Of course, G-d is not obligated to answer me,
and, besides, what good would it do to know -- it wouldn't bring
him back! I think I have become more compassionate towards other
people's grief and try to comfort them, even when I can find no
comfort for myelf!

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     SLEEP and avoidance of the reality of my son's passing! I stay
up all night, sleep away the days (although I do work -- I try to
"sneak" in without being seen -- then I just count the hours until
I can leave -- although I'm not at all anxious to go home! I am
starting to get support from a psychologist I've recently begun
seeing, and I have a lot of faith in her. Hopefully, she can get
me past this terrible impass!
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     The feeling of how wrong it was -- I cried out "no" so many times
when I was first told, and still find that happening today. Wen
I'd first learned of his leukemia 4 years ago, I had thought it was
a childhood illness, and st first denied that it could be harmful
to him. I knew some women who had lost innocent little children to
that dread disease, and had been relieved when my sons had grown
up -- thinking they were free of it now. The first month or so
after finding out back in 1996, I walked around like a zombie --
I remember telling people I hardly knew that my son had leukemia --
sort of like if I said it out loud enough, maybe I would then begin
to believe it! I became very depressed, my work suffered, and the
"big shots" at work have sort of had me on some kind of "unofficial"
probation ever since it all began. I always felt they just didn't
realize how ill he was or what his illnesswas doing to me. What
seems now to be so ironic, is that even after Mead finally passed
away, there has been no compassion shown by these "powers that be"
-- no understanding of how hard it is to just get up in the morning
let alone get to work at a reasonable time and then even be expected
to actually think and work! They must think that since it's almost
5 months now, I must be "over it" -- I WILL NEVER BE OVER IT!!! How
could I? I have lost a part of myself. I can even physically feel
that a part o fmy heart has been ripped out of me! There should be
some way allowances could be made for such tragic events. Having
to face work every day, when I am already so down, just compounds
the grief and pain for me. There aught to be a law to help people
like me deal with such a horriffic loss, but if there is, I just
don't know about it -- does anyone else out there?
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     JUST BE THERE!!! DON'T ALLOW ANYONE OR ANYTHING TO STAND IN YOUR
WAY!!! My biggest regret is that I didn't just ignore the wishes of
both sons and go out to be with him. They kept sayin "but he sleeps
most of the time" -- they just did not understand -- I just needed to
be with him whether he was awake or asleep. I needed to hold his hand
while it was still warm, and kiss his warm cheeks. Maybe I couldn't
have done anything to save him, but I shoud have been allowed to try
-- even if it just meant sitting by his side and praying for him --
even just reassuring him of how deeply I loved him and always would
-- and telling him how he had always made me so proud and happy --
and thanking him for giving me 2 such beautiful grandchildren --
and even just giving him juice if he was thirsty or adding a blanket
if he felt cold -- just the normal things mothers do without even
thinking -- I was denied my right to do those things, and the pain
of that shall live on in me forever. There were things I wanted to
say to him that were very important to me. Now I can only hope and
pray that I will meet up with him somewhere again, and we can get
to all those things left unsaid. I kept asking if he'd ever asked
for me, and I was told he hadn't -- how I wish they could have told
a little "white lie" and said he had.
 
--[My Son's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     realized that beating my self over the head about all the "shoulda's,
coulda's and woulda's" won't bring him back or change the way
things were. They just delay your healing process by focusing on
things that it is just too late to change -- try not to think on
what might have been -- it only makes everything hurt more!

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I kept getting mixed signals from my family out in Washington. One
minute he was rallying -- would be home for Christmas with his
daughters -- the next minute it was touch-and-go: From my other son:
"we can't tell right now ma, will probably know more in a few days"
-- then it would be "wait a while longer -- it would be better to
see him when he goes home" and then "I promise, I'll let you know
when I think you should come out" -- I was never given "permission"
to go out in time.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     -- n/a
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     BE THERE IN HIS FINAL DAYS!!! AND -- BE BETTER INFORMED AS TO HIS
CONDITION!!! I even tried calling his physician on several occasions,
but he would never call me back!

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     I HAVE NOTHING TO BE THANKFUL FOR -- EXCEPT, OF COURSE, THE FACT
THAT HE HAS LEFT ME A LEGACY -- HIS 2 BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRLS TORI
(6) AND ANNA (2 1/2) WHO I ADORE SO MUCH I COULDN'T BEGIN TO SAY
HOW DEEP MY LOVE IS FOR THEM -- AND FOR THEIR WONDERFUL MOTHER,
TISH -- WHO CALLS ME MOM AND INSISTS I CONSIDER HER MY DAUGHTER NOW!
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     n/a
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     n/a

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     The oddest ting can set me off -- I never know how I'll be from one
moment to another, and since I live alone, when I start crying at
home, I sometimes become hysterical, and fear I may just lose my
mind since there is no one ther to comfort me or calm me down,

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would try harder to get out there to visit him more often and
to call him on the phone more often. That lousy 3-hour difference
really did me in -- I would wait to call them thinking I didn't
want to spoil their dinner hour, and then it would get late and I
would get too tired to call -- or, I might call and get Mead on the
phone, but he would inform me he was busy with something and would
call me back -- he never did! I should have been there more for him
and for his brother -- I only hope it's not too late to reach him!

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     When I saw a father about Mead's age driving out of a parking lot
behind me, and he had his little son on the front seat next to
him, I cried for Mead, who will never be able to drive his children
anywhere again -- never be able to spend time with them -- just play
with them, be with them -- it is so unfair to both them and to him!

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     join Mead. Life is becoming too much of a struggle for me -- I can't
think straight -- I don't want to go to work -- I can't stay home --
I NEED to work in order to pay my bills. The poor treatment I am
receiving at work is making everything so much more difficult. How
I wish they would just leave me alone and let me get back on my
feet without the constant feeling that "big brother is wathcing"
me! My driving has become very erratic. Just last week I crashed
into something (I have no idea what) and discovered the next day
that whatever it was it had knocked off my right rearview mirror! A
few weeks ago I swerved into what must have been a big rock, and
found something hanging down from the bottom of my car. It has
since fallen off and will be replkaced next week. I can't seem to
drive straight -- I keep swerving -- especially when the tears get
in my way! I have been feeling such anger that I have found myself
pressing my gas pedal way down on the highway until I realize that
I'm doing over 90! I tried to stop at a stp sign on a very rainy
day recently, only to find that I couldn't stop. Luckily, the car
coming at me had enough sense to swerve and avoid me. However,
when I looked back it seemed that that car just didn't move --
like maybe he was in shock or I'd caused a heart attack -- I hope
not! Sometimes when I stop at a railroad crossing I get such a
strong wish that a train would come along and plow into me! I also
feel that about cars as I drive -- almost begging them to end it
all for me! Once in a while I find myself taking 2 tranquilizers
at a time every 2 hours or so. I know better than to do that, but I
just feel such a strong craving for something to deaden the pain --
to make me numb -- to keep me from thinking or remembering.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     I still have trouble acknowledging my son's death. I know that for
the  first few months I must have been numb -- in some sort of state
of shock. Less than a month after his passing, I went out to attend
a memorial service in his honor in Bellevue, Washington. I just
remember being numb. People tried to console me, and I couldn't
even hear or understand what they were saying! a few weeks ago, I
went back out to help celebrate my granddaughter's 6th birthday. I
couldn't get over the change in my reaction to everything. Almost
everywhere I turned in his house I could see my son. I remembered
him sitting indifferent chairs in the living room, the kitchen,
the den. I remembered sitting by his bed while he had to lie still
for an hour as the meds went into him. I remember wanting to talk
to him so much a year ago and realizing he just was not up to such
a conversation. I remembered how he would sometimes snap at me and
then appologize, saying it was his illness and the lousy medicines
that were messing up his mind, and I should just try to ignore such
outbursts. I remember the Thanksgiving before last, when I came
out to visit them, and kept complaining how hot the house was --
until I finally realized that Mead was shivering! 4 days after
I left that year, he was back in the hospital once more! I still
cannot understand why he was allowed to suffer for so long if there
was no way for him to get better anyway! He even had a bone marrow
transplant in February, 1999. His own brother was the donor, and it
sounded like now maybe he had a chance. We were all so hopeful! What
went wrong???? Who can I sue??? What difference would it make
anyway???? Although my daughter-in-law is now saying that after it
was all over some of my son's doctors started to think that there
was more than just the typical ALL going on -- WHY COULDN'T THEY
HAVE REALIZED THAT SOONER, AND DONE SOMETHING TO SAVE HIM!?!?!?!?!

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     My son had his transplant at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research
Center in Seattle, Washington. It is world-renown for what it can
do for cancer patients. So why couldn't my son have been one of
the Hutch's survivors?
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     It never got to the point where hospice was involved. However, I
have since heard the hospice helps bereaved people, and I am hoping
to find out more about this. So far I only attend The Compassionate
Friends, which only meets once a month -- I don't think that's enough
-- I need to meet with people in my situation more often that that.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     I had sort of had my own version of my religion. I didn't belong
anywhere, and felt very left out. However, when my son passed away,
the first thing I did was contact a rabbi, who met with me and
explained the process of mourning in the Jewish religion, and asked
me if I wanted to follow the mourning rituals. I definitely did --
although I could not understand why G-d would do this to my son
(and to my family), I was still anxious to get back to my roots. My
rabbi said I must come to temple every Friday night to say kaddish,
the prayer for the dead. I do so gladly, and am trying to rekindle my
beliefs I held as a child as well as all the lessons I had learned
in Sunday school.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     I had practiced Conservative Judaism when I was younger. Today I am
a member of a Reformed Judaism temple which has some leanings towars
conservativism, so I don't feel like a complete stranger there.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     I am still rying to come to terms with what happens after
death. Before my son's passing, I just thought aperson is buried,
then his body decays and he is eaten by the worms. It always
made me shudder. I just could never imagine a life after such
a death. However, my rabbi is trying to make me realize that my
son's sould will live on throught eternity, and that he and I will
definitely meet up agains some day. I pray every night that this
is true -- I want so very much to believe it -- and I even think
I am starting to -- although it means changing a philosophy I have
carried around with me for over 50 years now!
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     n/a
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     the fact that my ex-husband of 20 years could not even bring himself
to come over and say a few words of comfort to me. I told Brad that
I thought it was now time for the silence to be broken -- he had
left me for another woman, and had not spoken to me since -- why,
I'll never know, unless it had something to do with his feeling of
guilt? Brad told him I'd like to make peace with him -- after all,
this was our beloved son -- our first born -- I can still remember
how overjoyed we both were at his arrival -- we were both deeply
grieving over his death -- I felt it important that we try to
comfort each other -- no matter how slightly -- just because I felt
our hurt was greater at that moment than that of anyone else in the
room. He told my son he wouldn't be able to do as I had suggested --
he was too broken up -- poor boy!!!

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     the unreality of it -- I just could not believe it had actually
happened. We'd lived apart for a long time now, and I kept thinking
he was just back in Washington. I would push visions of him in
hios coffin out of my head -- I would deny the reality as much and
as long as I could. It was just impossible that my child, who had
always beeen so healthy, could no longer exist!!!

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     HONEST REPORTS FROM THOSE NEAR HIM -- ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CAN'T BE --
HE'D HAD SO MANY UPS AND DOWNS BEFORE, I HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS WAS
THEE FINAL PHASE OF HIS ILLNESS! -- THOSE WHO ARE CLOSE TO THE DYING
PERSON AND CAN'T BE THER REALLY MUST BE KEPT BETTER INFORMED!!!!

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     N/A
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     He was never at all religious. However, one day, on his death bed,
he called out to his wife that he did indeed believe! Since she's
a Mesianic Jew, she took it to mean that he really believed in
Jesus. Being his mother, and remembering our many discussions
where he,as a scientist, just could not grasp the idea of a G-d
ruling our universe, I remember him saying more than once that
maybe there really was a G-d-like being in charge, but he couldn't
be sure. What I think he was trying to tell his wife was not that
he finally believed in Jesus, but that he finally believed that
there really was a G-d. This was a much bigger issue for him than
whether or not Jesus had actually existed, and this is what I think
he finally came to terms with in his death bed.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     n/a
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I wish I could have had an opportunity to talk to him a little about
his childhood. I had planned to when I went out to see him a year
ago Thanksgiving. But when I got there I realized he was too ill to
have any serious discussions with. I wanted so much to know just
what the nformation was that his father had brainwashed him with
that convinced him at the age of 12 to leave me and move down to
Florida to live with him. I wanted to thank him for defending me
to his father when his father  said he had to leave me since I was
mentally ill -- that was NOT the reason he left -- he was having an
affair with his secretary! Anyway, I learned just recently that Mead
became very angry with his father on hearing his excuse -- he was,
in fact, shocked! He said "your wife was ill and you were just going
to go off and leave her that way?" If his father had thought that
that little "tale" would win him some sympathy with his son, guess
he just misjudged Mead's response! I know his father made up a lot
of stories about me to get him to move to Florida. Poor innocent
Mead didn't realize that his father was just trying to get out of
paying child support. A few years ago, Mead said to me that he was
beginning to realize that he and his brother had been very hard on
me when they were children. I said they were just being children,
and I never blamed them for anything that happened. The irony of the
whole thing was that while he was telling them lies about me, I was
praising him to them! I felt that no matter what had happened between
parents, children should always be reassured that they were loved by
both parents and they should also be proud of and love each parent.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I'm sorry -- I'm getting much too tired to respond to any more
wuestions. I had no idea this would take so long. I really have
much more I would like to say, but I have got to think about getting
some sleep and then getting to work (Ugh!)!

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Every night, before going to sleep, I speak to my children's photos
which are across the room from my bed. One time when all this was
still so painfully fresh, I spoke to Mead for a long time -- sort
of begging him for some sign that he did exist and was even with me
in my room. Suddenly I thought I saw his fingers move. It was his
college graduation photo, and he was clutching his diploma. I could
see his right thumb start to rub the diploma. Then I saw the fingers
of his left hand start to do a sort of drumming on the diploma! I
couldn't believe my eyes, and thought I must be imagining it, or
that my eyes were playing tricks on me. So I got out of bed and ran
over to the photoe. His hands were STILL moving! Not only that, but
I had said something very sad to him and I saw his smile turn into
a frown. Ten I begn to relly bekieve what I was seeing and actually
felt happy for the first time since his passing. When I looked at
his face again, he was smiling once more! I know this sounds crazy,
and I have never again been able to see it to the extent I had
that day. However, I do still see hid hands move on occasion, and
I like to think that he is just trying to remind me that I am not
really alone -- that he wil  always (I hope!) be somewhere nearby
-- sort of watching over me from above. I never before beleived
in things like this, but then I never lost a grown child before
(I had 2 miscarriages -- one before Mead was born, and the other
before Brad was born) -- both were devestating at the time, bt they
could not prepare me for what I would be going through now.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I only remember Mead stating a year ago, a he was getting his papers
in order, that he wished to be cremated. I was horrified. I always
personally thought it made death too much of a finality, and how can
a soul escape from the flames anyway? However, even more serious
than this was the Jewish law forbidding cremation. I knew Mead
wasn't religious, but I think I finally got through to him when
I explained why it was so important for Hitler to not only kill
all the Jews he could, but to also cremate them since it was such
a forbidden thing in our religion! Since I wasn't present at his
death, another topic that had to have come up worried me greatly,
but I didn't ask my daughter-in-law about it until at least a month
later -- I was afraid of what her answer might be. I asked if an
autopsy had been preformed. She said that he hospital had wanted to
do one, but that she had forbidden it. I couldn't thank her enough!

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I used to fear death. Now I would welcome it with open arms. Life
is too painful -- too unfair -- I have had so many very painful
experiences in my life -- both physical and emotional -- this one
seems like the last straw -- how much more can one person take???

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     haven't found any yet -- open to suggestions!

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I'm still not really back to my own life -- the pain is still too
new, too fresh -- I cannot manage my eeryday life! I just noticed
that it is 6:45 AM! I have been up all night writing this to
you. Now how will I ever get up in time to get to work at a decent
hour???? Why do I even try? I should just give up. I can't go on
like this!

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     n/a I'm a loner -- always have been -- always will be -- especially
now, when I must be so depressing to be around!

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Mid-Life  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Prescription Drugs 
     I am really NOT dealing with it too well lately. My son passed away
on Decenber 28,  1999                      1999, and I thought I
was managing ok untit her day cane au

     The lack of compassion on the parts of the "powers that be" (all men,
by the way) at work. Special dates are hard to bear. Mother's day
through me for a loop -- I had no idea that it would!
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     The "time" is not yet over -- I wuld love it if people would remember
me once in a while and not leave me so much by myself. One weird
idea that just came to me this week is about maybe working with
young chldren. At first I even thought of adopting or becoming a
foster mother, but my house is too unkempt, and I could never pass
an expection -- although I know I could be a very loving mother
to some needy child. I spoke with an early childhood ed. teacher
who said it didn't pay at my age to change careers. I already had
a bachelor's and a master's , but would still nedd a bachelor's in
education, and even if I did finally get one, the pay was way below
what I make now. So I asked her to let me know if she knew of any
place tht needed volunteers -- except I don't do diapers! Of course,
it has occured to me that since I cannot get to be or out of bed
at a decent time now, how coiuld I ecer find time to volunteer?


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     Although it took me all night to write, and I have no idea how I will
ever get to work today, I found this a very useful exercise. I have
wanted to write down some of my feelings for a while now -- I am,
after all, a frustrated writer! I did just this past evening start a
paper I have tentatively named "Ramblings on Life and Death," which
told a bit of my anger -- which seems to be growing every day --
and a bit about my sons' childhoods and how much we all ended up
missing out on due to the extremely bitter divorce!

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     I wish I could -- but I no longer have any brain-power left with
which to come up with any suggestions that might make sense. I
would like to know how one find out who to contact when one feels
so down and almost suicidal. what gives others the courage to go
on with their now empty lives?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon May 22 03:07:30 2000
M19 in elmira, ny  =us=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  yahoo
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: natural;   Aged: 67.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     CRIED and CRIED

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandmother died. i live in ms she lived
	in ny, i got an unexpected phone call from my aunt telling me my
	grandmother had passed away

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     i value the time i have to spend with family and friends a lot more

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     family telling me how much my grandmother loved me and valued the
time we did spend together
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     on the plane on the way to ny.i felt alone and had a lot of time
to think, and didn't have anyone to talk to.
  
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     wy said our last goodbye, and watched them close the casket, and
had to carry it to the hurst

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     my grandmother was always laughing, thinking about the time we
spent together made me laugh, but she was probably laughng with me
to help me through it
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     live close to her, so i could have spent more time with her

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     spend the time with her that i could
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     remembered all the good times we had and talked to my family
about her.

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     it helped a lot
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     none
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     it was very hard!!!!!!!!!!!!

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     theroller coaster of emotions

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 
     my aunt helped so much.my mother wasn't able to make it to ny,
my aunt seemed to take her place.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Disbelief it could happen 
     viewing the body was very hard! when people would be talking in
the funeral home they would sometimes laugh, that made me angry,
even thoughi knew they were rememering the good times.
 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun May 21 18:21:46 2000
F16 in Orlando, Florida  =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  yahoo
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother,  4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: gun shot; beating;   Aged: 50s.

--Details: 
     Her home was broken into on Good Friday. They came in, tied up my
grandparents and beat them. Then they shot them in the head. Stole
their money and jewelry and left. My grandfather survived because
he was pistol-whipped so bad his head swelled up and the bullet
didn't get too far. He pretended he was dead so they wouldn't shoot
him again. But she died.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     Loss to your loved ones. you get to go to Heaven if you believe in
Christ and have Him as your Savior.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was 12 yrs. old. I didn't react much at first; but after about 15
minutes I freaked out and screamed into my comforter.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...grandmother was murdered.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     The day I found out.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It is a tremendous loss for everyone. But the deceased are in Heaven
for eternity (if they have Christ as their Savior and believe).

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     She is finally with her daughter and mother.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     God and time
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Visualizing what happened
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Wasn't there
 
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     have accepted her passing on.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I thought about why someone would kill someone else?

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I would never laugh about that!
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Say goodbye

--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     huh?
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     huh?

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I remember or get reminded

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     ?

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that she died because someone killed her, not from natural causes

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     Not think about it so much
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     didn't think about it all the time

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Christianity
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Christianity
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Passage of Time 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Rage 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Sat May 20 18:27:54 2000
F17 in Manchester, Connecticut  =United States=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother,  2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: complications in surgery;   Aged: 78.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     a mark of the end of the consciousness of the soul in the form of
the physical body and the beginning of life at a higher level of
comprehesion and sensing

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was ten years old.  My grandmother's husband died.  Surprisingly
enough, I cried a lot.  I say 'surprisingly' because he was not
the greatest person in my life.  He caused much pain and suffering
to a lot of people while he was alive, having sexually abused me,
personally, from the time of my birth until the time of his death.
In this particular experience with death, due to my past in relation
to him, death came as a sort of relief to me and it gave me hope
that he would be given the chance to live again in a life beyond
the physical life in this world.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandmother's husband died

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the funeral and how everyone made themselves seem happy and as
if nothing was wrong.  It seemed to be more a good excuse for a
social gathering than a joining together to rejoice and sorrow in
the loss of a person who was friend and family to all.  Generally,
no one talked about feelings concerning the death or any feelings
concerning any pain at all.  I was made to feel extremely out of
place in this setting that seemed to me to be almost indifferent
to the life going on around us.

--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It is not something to be feared, but is instead something to be
looked forward to.  It is our opportunity to have another chance
at living, without having to be swayed by the material concerns
that tend to engulf us all in this physical life that we live.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the tendency death has of bringing people together even more and
the opportunities it gives to those who have passed away

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my own faith that God would watch over and take care of the loved
ones who had ended their life on earth.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     not being allowed, by my parents, to attend the funeral or any type
of memorial service.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     don't feel pressured to have to say the 'right thing' or the most
significant thing that person has ever heard.  For if that person
has a strong faith and belief in God, their life will go on and they
will know exactly what it was that you were feeling and contemplating
upon saying at that moment anyway, and they will know whether or
not it was sincere.
 
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     accept death much more now than I ever did before.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I first found out about the death.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I didn't feel like laughing as a result, in any way, of this event.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     be more involved in the memorial service and the grieving process.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     be there at all.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     my grandfather sent my family a card, writing on it that it was
one of the ones that he and my grandmother had picked out together.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     nothing

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I realize that I may not have a strong enough faith to trust in
God to care for me after death.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     Not very much

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     ?

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     cry and have someone who I trust there to just hold me tightly as
long as I need it (which would probably be forever)
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     grieved for my own personal losses in the individual who died,
but rejoiced, knowing that I had been blessed in knowing them at
all and knowing that they would continue on into life eternal in
absolute comfort and safety.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     disappointment.  My grandmother died because of complications during
surgery - a death that could easily have been prevented by more
careful attention to work.  And yet, I am able to feel a sense of
relief that she was able to move on to the next life.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     having people there for me who actually cared, to an extent,
whether I was upset or not.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Lutheran
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     that there is a common link between life on earth and life after
death.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     people got so involved in the financial aspects that they forgot
to concentrate on the more significant aspects.
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    -none- 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat May 20 12:15:32 2000
Anonymous Guest  in ,  ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5 months ago.
Cause of Death: nursing home negligence;   Aged: 89.

--Details: 
     my momma died from severe dehydration (toxic placemea, kidney
infection).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the absense of joy, reason, happiness

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     lacked the maturity to appreciate the loss

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my dad brought in a bunny and he suffocated
	in our care while we were all asleep the first night of its captivity

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the close identification with the way my momma suffered

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     over-coming insenitivity and self-centeredness and stupidity

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     I know my mom loved me.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     a lady therapist whom befriended me in the past and extended her
support and understanding and empathy.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the unnecessary suffering and anguish.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Accept your limitations in coping.
 
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     other's may not identify or recognize or relate to the pain of what
you witnessed. Understand that there are insensitive and basically
evil people whom may be out to derive satisfaction from the hurt
and loss

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I was forced to abandon the care of my mom because I tried to
exert her rights to extract my mom from the harm of the criminal
negligence she was experiencing

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     say goodbye to my wonderful mom

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     nothing
 
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would be deriving immense satisfaction and purpose from caring
for my mom

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     die
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     callousness, insensitivity, lack of understanding, lack of
compassion. lack of consience.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     oppression, stupidity, ignorance, intimidation,
insensitivity. immorality
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     lutheran
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     don't believe in Spirit, at all.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     money, for those who stood to benefit (undertakers, care-takers)
was the prime (sole) motivator
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     the lack of sensitivity and understanding

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May 18 17:04:06 2000
F44 in Lafollette, TN  =campbell=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: CNA...Student at college
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     I will finish the other questions later...when I have time if you
would like...
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	none
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	none
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle,  yrs23 ago.
Cause of Death: nuphrosis of kidneys;   Aged: 43.

--Details: 
     only that I and my cousin are the only one's so far to inherit the
gene. So we must be checked periodically. Which I had not done in
15 years,I guess I don't want to know ever.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     The end to the circle of life....born an infant...go to your death
an infant ...needing the same help you needed to come in this world
and needing the same as Before you leave.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was 13 years of age.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...My Uncle,my fathers brother....had an kidney
	problems, pass down through family...he was a strong man, family
	voted the strongest...then he got sick,he stayed in the hospital
	for a long time,til death...I loved him because of his sence of
	humor...One night while in bed...I tried to go sleep...but could
	not...tossed and turned...and became upset....at the same time my
	brother who was in Fla. staying with my Grandmother, was doing
	the exact same thing....my father and his brother in law was on
	the road...truck drivers....no one had the slightest clue he was
	about to die....only that my Uncle was very sick....The phone
	rang....I ran down the stairs...my mother was on the phone...I
	kept on saying He's Dead! He's Dead! She looked up at me...and
	said how did you know? She said you are right...he just died, and
	now I have to get the Highway patrol to get your Dad....My brother
	called and he was upset and descibed the same thing I was doing at
	the same time....I think the the only reason I take death so bad,
	is that alot of time I know when they are going to happen...It
	sounds crazy...but I have been right on four occasions out of 6
	deaths....and there was nothing I could do about it.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     My Grandmother, which she was his Mother....instead of sitting
there crying like alot of them....she went around and comforted
everyone....she was a little woman...happy go lucky...yet this
was her first child to pass her by.No parent likes to bury their
children.

--What I think my (campbell) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     where we all go.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     Having that person touch my life.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     I did not get any...my family had a bad time with death ....and
handleing a child's grief was even more a burden to my family,
they played it off as no big deal...yet they would cry.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Seeing the pain everyone was....they would talk of how this and
that of that person, and their hearts were breaking like china.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     No one to me that is should not die alone....the fear of going into
some place no one alive has been....is the biggest fear....and
to sit and hold their hand, and maybe sing a soft song...or play
their favorite tune softly in the back ground is comforting
the person....and maybe a poem read while the music played
softly....until they pass.
 
--[My Son's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     I lost a baby 12 years ago...I was eight months, placenta
abruption.Caused by stress ...I was going through.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     The uncaring people involved in my life and in my care....at
that time.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I don't know if you could call it laugh....maybe just so
ironic....such as the recent deaths I just had in my family...In 98'
I moved to Ga. to care for my mother who develped heart prblems..yet
fearing my dad was going to die...somthing told me to get down
there...Whe I did... the worst fear came true....My father had lung
cancer....he died that same year right on Thanksgiving day.When I
got all the family together for one last time big dinner,....eight
months later...my mother got into a fatal car wreck....she sustained
a broken neck....her sister broke her neck and was parrelized...and
died two weeks later.Her mother(Grandmother) to me ...went through
the winsheild....and just died three weeks ago.My mother moved
out of my dad's house that they all lived and died....and moved
to Ca.To avoid the pain and guilt she felt she killed her mother
and sister.....
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     change ....Death is unavoidable .....in my family it sounds
crazy....but....when some one dies in our family...they just don't do
in once a year...or every 5 years... they do it all at once.....In
1983....alone I had 4 members die in 6 months time......One was a
teen suicide....then Grandfather who was close to me....then my own
sister was killed by a drunk driver.....then my Aunt who was another
person close to me....died one month after my sister.....then almost
one year later ...I say eight months...My Uncle died........

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     I really do not know how to answer this.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     n/a
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     I have had too many death in the last year and a half, I am still
confused......

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Other: 
     Throwing myself into education,I am 44 and now going to
college,Nurseing.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Avoiding Everything 
     I would not only avoid things,I lock myself in my room,and just
avoid life.
 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May 18 11:58:06 2000
Anonymous Guest  in ,  ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 7yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 60.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the beginning of a new self

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was bitter, angry and emptional

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandad died and i was really close to him

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     how bitter i was

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that death is not the end, just the beginning

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     th realisation that we don't live as htis person for very long

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     the comfort of knowing its not the end
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     them dying and the same day they turned me away
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     see you in the next life
 
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     feel you never get over it like peopke say you do , it never gets
easier you just learn to deal with it

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     i was younger

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     no i didn't laugh this is putting words into peoples mouths
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     to tell him i loved him

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     understand that people come and go
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     people started talking about god crap!!!
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     reincarnation

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     i see a picture or dream about that person which i have he visits
me in my dreams

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     i have dreamt that he came to me  my first dream i felt panicky
and teary, the second peaceful and the third distressed most have
been peaceful

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     why isn't there a cure for cancer

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     get out of this craphole
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     tried to understand my own feelings and beliefs

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     crap!!!!
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     quite good
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     these questionnes are not sutible i study psychology and its putting
words into peoples mouth i do not belive in religion
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     reincrnation with no god
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     religion religion
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 
     drugs and alcohol


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    The Funeral 
     i never got togo this made me even more bitter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May 18 10:53:40 2000
F14 in Southport nr Liverpool, Merseyside  =UK=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 2 years ago.
Cause of Death: long battle with infimity and old age;   Aged: 92.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the ned of activity, a cimplete and utter cessation of being

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     coldn't stop crying for days and days - hysterical, uncontrollable,
stricken

--That first time, how it happened was
     An old disabled naighbor who I had become attached to died.  I felt
	really rejected and as if it was a personal slur.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     a sense of deep tragedy

--What I think my (UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it shouldn't be so taboo.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     it inured me against further grief - catharsis

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my own tenacity
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     feeling lost and neglected
  
--[My friend's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     coped, eventually , with the rejetcion.  there is ligth at the end
of the tunnel

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     people kept saying cynical things like "she had a good innings"
which are inane

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt all spiritual and thankful that she had not suffered.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Crying and Crying 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Abandonment 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May 16 23:23:51 2000
F21 in ,   =Australia=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Teacher
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle,  5.5yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide - gun shot;   Aged: 44.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the most severe heart breaking pain one can experience

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried  and thoiught i would never stop crying and feeling so sad
and missing that person

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was... my grandmother died of a stroke when i was
	12 years old

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     my fathers face and words when he told me the news of my uncles
suicide

--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     how to deal with grieving people

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     how my close family supported each other and the support from my
best friend

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     support from my family and best friend
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the fact that someone i knew was so alone and so messed up they
thought suicide was the only answer
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     tell them u love them as much as you can
 
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     stopped blaming myself for his loneliness and pain

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     i first heard of the suicide

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     i didnt laugh
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     spend more time with my uncle, and make him a cake occasionally

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     finally deal with the pain and move on with my life
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     my father cried and i had to try and comfort him
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     the necessity of having people over after the funeral and having
to feed them!!!

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     ever i hear about someone dying, car accident, suicide etc

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     i would have gotten better resulkts at high school, and maybe spent
a lot less time suffering from severe suicidal depression

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that noone found my uncle for a week

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     die
 
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     they did nothing for us
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     they were awful the priest was an arse hole, he didnt help ast
all. he bought his 2 year old son to the funeral service!!!
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     a non practicing christian
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     not sure
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     he left his entire estate to me and my siblings, setting us up
financially
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     the lack of respect from the priest and his wife

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     cant remember

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     changes in behaviour, withdrawal from social circles etc

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     deal with each stage of the process as it occurs, dont think u
should feel a certain way after a certain amount of time
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     did not experience this
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     n/a
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     the fact that my uncle abused me still remains unresolved for the
main part. i sought counselling from a psychiatrist and attempted
suicide. The counselling was unsuccessful. I moved out of home and
became independent and got a life and i havent looked back. so self
help was the best thing for me

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     i would say that i was sorry, and that i loved him and that i hoped
he would find some peace that he was searchimng for. I would want
him to tell me that my grandma was ok and that he was happy

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     my families home was haunted for a long while after my uncle
died. There was a side board in the hallway upon which there were
crystal glasses. on the calmest of calm still nights, 4 of my 6
family members would be awoken to the most beautiful, musical,
terrifying noise, like a spoon being tapped musically on the
crystal. My father (whose brother was the victim) and my little
sister never once heard the noise. The first time I heard the noise
I was terrified beyond words, I could not sleep eat, or walk up
the hallway at night for a few weeks after. A few months later I
heard the noise again, and this time I was not scared, in fact i
thought how beautiful the noise was. sometimes, when i was in the
shower or near a book case of my uncles, i would be overwhelmed by
feeling a presence so close to me, and a smell, unlike the smell
of anyone else i knew apart from my uncle would pervade the air. I
was terrified for a long long time.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     i am not sure

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I am terrified about the prospect of my own death. I do not want
to die

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     writing letters to my uncle, and poems helped me to cope

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     i still write poems or letters if a particular event or episode
gets me down

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     i formed a bond with a boy at school who had also experienced
death. I have never in my life before or since clicked with someone
as i clicked with him that day. He is no longer in my life though,
but i still hold him close in my heart

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     How well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Silence & Taboos 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     to talk to me and not treat me like i had some kind of disease


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     it was interesting, and very emotion provoking

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May 16 09:10:18 2000
F16 in ,   ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  I was looking up Rubin's 1973 study to try and find a copy of the
test and dropped by the psych sites I found
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	I Heard the Owl Call My Name, Anpao, the Bible, the Death of Socrates
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 1 yr. ago.
Cause of Death: hunting;   Aged: I have no clue.

--Details: 
     It wasn't exactly a pet, but that was the closest thing on your list.
It was a duck.  My father and grandfather and I were hunting.  It was
the first time I saw anything die.  I thought I'd be more affected
by the experience than I was.  In fact, as callous as it seems, I was
just hungry.  I had its blood all over my hands because I was the one
that pulled it into the boat.  I just stared at them on the way back.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the cessation of corporeal being.  The body remains for a time,
but the mind is gone.  We become inert, like a rock.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     nodded and wondered about it.  The first death was the cat I
grew up with.  More recently it was my grandparent's cat, Rascal.
I get over it.  I'll miss them, but there's no point in being sad.
Sadness is for new experiences, you will have no new experiences
with the dead.

--That first time, how it happened was
     I found a dead animal on the farm of a family member.  I recognized
	immediately that it was dead.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     How Rascal kept me company one night when I stayed in a room that
I was afraid of.  Then I remembered that he had been rather sickly
lately.  It was good, in a way, that the car hit him and spared
him from that slower death.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     Death is just another part of life.  Get over it.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     The catharsis I felt when it was done.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Proceeding with my life.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Facing that I would have no new experiences with them.
  
--[My cat's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     got into philosophy and really examined what I was living for in
the first place.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I was first told that it happened.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     Its funny, get over it.  I'm allowed to laugh if the corpse has
a funny expression.  Its just meat, people.  The person that was
can't care anymore.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     See Rascal one more time.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     rest once I learned about it.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     Grandpa just proceeded to clean the duck as if it weren't a big deal.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     the body.  I don't get it.  Parts is parts.  Use what you can as
a donated organ and cremate the rest.  Keeping it around is not
benefitting anyone, the guy is dead and you're using the body's
continued existence as a crutch.  It is holding you back from
moving on.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I look at a cat that looks like my kitten Tanya, who died of a
genetic liver disorder.  She didn't deserve the circumstances.
It wasn't karma or anything.  But then, its a common mistake to
think that everything has meaning.  Death is death.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     You just can't do that to yourself!  This isn't healthy and you'll
just put yourself through it again.  Besides, if that death hadn't
happened, everything from that point on would be different.  I happen
to believe that sometime in the future they invent time travel and
that they've gone back and changed the past and tried every which
way history could have played out, from beginning to end and that,
as hard as it may seem, this is the best way they've found, the
life that we all live now.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     death is such a meaningless thing!  If evolution is about survival,
we've done a poor job of it even for all our sentience."

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     take a break and go on a walk.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt better once I accepted it and gave myself some time to breathe.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     I wish we'd never had the Dark Ages, our medical technology could
have been far more advanced then.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     someone who tried diligently to say or do the right thing, but who
couldn't reach me at the time.  As knowledgeable as the clergy can
be, I'm just a jaded person.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     I am a Presbyterian with some Buddhist and Hindu inclinations
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     kind of saccarine.  It is different for everyone.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     the cat was dealt with unceremoniously in all cases.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     what funeral situation?

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     the feeling of well-being I experienced throughout.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     when your brain waves cease.  Don't look for it if you can't
avoid it!  Live your life rather than tick down the hours until
you take a vacation on the other side.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     was this: keep going.  Don't think that to grieve properly you
stop everything.  You grieve while proceeding with your life.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     that's bunk.  Other side my ass, the dead don't come back and if they
did what would that say about all of our views of the Other Side?
It would mean that Heaven isn't so great because they want to come
here for a while to watch the ugly, slow death of someone they knew.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     Once, while SCUBA diving I got narced and could have died had it
not been for some other more experienced divers, but no NDE for me.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I keep a journal.  I analyze my mental state and identify any issues
I still have.  Then I confront and resolve them.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     If I started to feel like having a conversation with a dead person
I'd pull myself out of it at once.  I think that that is the most
damaging thing you can do.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     my boyfriend likes to think his mother hangs out.  I can't knock it.
It could be true.  I just don't look for the dead in my life.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I don't get this question?

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     When it happens, it happens.  I don't like to dwell on it.  I believe
that I am ready to meet my maker.  I'm not particularly inclined
to die anytime soon.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I bake fresh bread.  The act of something so basic helps me reconnect
with the reality that I am still alive and that I am able to take
care of myself.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I take long walks when I'm in pain.  I often hold an imaginary
conversation during these walks with myself or the dead individual.
I never let myself imagine that they are alive.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     Nope, can't say I have.  I think my boyfriend may though.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 
     if you confront it and analyze the event philosophically, you'll
be able to cope well.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 
     It was easy enough to cope
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I failed everyone around me.  I was repulsed by their pain.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I feel this helps me iron out my feelings.  It also showed to me
that I might want to develop a thinner skin.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     that "Rights and Wishes" question bewilders me
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon May 15 09:09:59 2000
F18 in Chelmsford, Essex  =UK=
Name: Sarah Bates
Email: <batesy_=at=excite.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  was looking for a web site about people who have just lost someone
close to them

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Prof/Studies: Resourcer in a recruitment office
 
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	no sorry I do not.
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 1 month and 2 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: cancer of the pancres ;   Aged: 54.

--Details: 
     He died peacefully, I don't think he was scared but i don't think
he wanted to leave either, I was there when he died

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     something we all deal with in different ways, some of us are scared
of death and others have an open mind about it. No one knows for
sure where you go after death, but I personally am sure there is
a nice place of rest.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was 18 years old. I have had grandparents die, and remember them all,
but to be honest they didn't really affect me, not like the death
of my dad a month and a bit ago. I was there when my dad died and it
has been tough. I still can't believe it! It is wierd how myself and
my mum and other people have dealed with the death in different ways.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my dad died of cancer in a Hospice. he was
	termanlly ill and was given a year, so we had time to come to terms
	with it (I surpose I can say that, but I never did come to terms
	with the illness)

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     not really crying when my dad died, when he first went I was confused
not knowing where to go, I ran out of the room and down the stairs. i
found it hard to breathe, but I though to myself, go back in there,
dad still might be there in spirit, he would want to see me being
strong and there for mum. When I went back and saw his body, yeah
of course I was still upset and confused but felt a bit of relief
that dad was out of pain.

--What I think my (UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It needs to stop being so negative about death. I think it is the
Muslim relgion, who celebrate death, as a next step in life, where
as in my culture death is seen as the end. That is a negative though,
we need some positive thinking.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     Knowing my dad was no longer in pain, and that one day god will
take my hand, and I will be following my dad's footprints.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     I'm not sure how to answer this to be honest, I still have moments
when I want to be with friends, family or my boyfriend and then at
other time I will want to be on my own and do what I want to do.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     missing my dad, and knowing that i will not be able to hug/talk
and feel him again.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     make the most of the person's life, talk to them, say what you want
to say, as there will be regrets if you do not.
 
--[My Father's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     am going to live my life how I want too, not what my boyfriend
wants me to be.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     Things got back to normal, and the scattering of dad's ashes.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     do it. If you want to laugh just do it. Do not hide any feelings
or emitions you have.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     move back home when dad was living there. i had been living with
my boyfriend. dad had always wanted me to come back home. I did
but it was only for 2 1/2 weeks before he died.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     talk to people if i wanted to
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     Dad went peacefully
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     it is always on my mind, but sometimes it affects me more than
others.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     why my dad? why not some other dad who hates his kids?

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     die or obviuosly turn back time. I wish I could just be with my dad.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt crap and confused

--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     excellent my Dad was cared for in the best possible way. (well in
the hospice where he died he was) to be honest i don not know what
the NHS was like though.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     how many people turned up and cared for my Dad, all the support me
and mum have received from friends.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     feeling a little relieved that Dad was out of pain.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     when dad was dying i think an angel was there with him because he
was pointing at something which no one knew what.  I like to think
someone was there to sho him the way.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     no one but myself

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     the night dad died to shaddows were in my room i do not know if it
was my imagination or not but it put me at ease, I held out my hand
and felt relaxed. I think it was my Dad and his angel saying goodbye.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     i have no idea how i would feel to be honest.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Viewing the Body 
     doing what I want to do and when I want to do it. i.e if I want to
go out on my own I will.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 
     the disbelief and missing my dad like crazy.
 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     pretty tough, thoughts and memories came flooding back, but it was
nice to get some things off my chest.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     some are a little ackward to understand or are too long.


Enhancements: www.death-dying.com (I think that is it)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun May 14 18:43:10 2000
M33 in bellaire, ohio  =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
  search engine

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Prof/Studies: carpet installer
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: bad heart....over wieght;   Aged: 49.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end it all.its what happens when we stop breathing and our
organs stop functioning.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     really didnt know what it was,i just knew i would never have them
in my life again

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...an aunt of mine was hit by a train in her
	car i was about 6

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the feeling that i got when i heard....i still get that feeling,how
permanent it is.

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     its the only thing in life that is certain.and instead of waisting
land for burials(we are not plants afterall)find a better way to
'dispose' of the body....after all if your dead,do u really care
about where your body goes?

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     not a damn thing

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     myself
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the things that were never said.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     after it happens,sometimes family deals with it by taking things
out on each other....if this happens just consider the emotions,then
go and live.
 
--[My Father's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     lost my family becouse they were blaming it on the kids....and was
kicked out of the funeral home,4 no good reason....every one just
afraid of there own demise i guess.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     the look....its like no other....the blank stare....makes you wonder
why we go through what we do knowing what the end result is....a
blank stare

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     its the body in that nervous,crazy stage.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     say goodbye

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     i look in the mirror

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     it really wouldnt matter all that much either way.

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     got drunk....didnt help,but it was my therapy

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     the doctors do not care,nor does the government....he was alone no
kids at home....needed a heart,but there was no sense becouse he
had no one depending on him,life is cheep to these bastards,money
and thats it
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     nothing....if there is a god,which i do not believe there is,he is
the most crude and hateful thing that there is.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     wicca
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     like utter nonsense.your 'spirit' is nothing but all of your organs
working in tandem to keep you alive....
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     we used the money in his bank account to cremate him....so he payed
to get fried.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     i was not there

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     that it made me realise that we are not indistructable

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     they died....no angels....no elvis....they died
 
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     that they loved me....just 1 time to hear it.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Memories to hold 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     it was fine
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun May 14 13:33:36 2000
F17 in Naples, FL  =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2 1/2 months ago.
Cause of Death: car accident;   Aged: 17.

--Details: 
     Melissa pulled out in front of oncoming traffic and was hit by a
mini-bus on the way to school.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--That first time, how it happened was
     My great grandfather passed away due to congestive heart failure.
	It was easier to deal with because I know that he lived a long,
	healthy life.  He was 86 when he died.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     seeing her in the casket, all sweet and innocent.  I will never
forget that sight, as long as I live.  It was sad, yet it kind of
helped everyone deal with it, it was like closure.  Also, knowing
that she was very religios helped.  She was like an angel.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     A friend's death has opened up the community's eyes about the danger
of our roads.

--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Her age, she was 17.  I have gone to school with her since 2nd grade.
  
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Prayers 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Thoughts of the Afterlife 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun May 14 13:12:35 2000
M27 in Edinburgh,   =UK=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  yahoo
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More personal info: 
     I won't be able to handle the death of my mother when it happens.
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 75.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     felt nothing and carried on as normal.

--That first time, how it happened was
     Close family friend died in hospital of old age.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     My mothers loss.  Uncle Dave acting weird.

--What I think my (UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It's sad, but no big deal when natural.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Being selfish?
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Other people's pain.
  
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     cry

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     accept it.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     a close relative to the deceased explained in detail where and when
it occured, including the music which was playing, and how she felt
at the time.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     God.

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     I always instantly acknowledge the death.

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Keeping people stupid using fear.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     none.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     I believe universal conciousness to be possible.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     I didn't like singing hymns.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     sounds strange, but..being the best-dressed man at the funeral
(usually jeans & T-shirt/dreadlocks)

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     My grandmothers death took a lot out of her daughter (my mother).
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     If there is anything to it, it would be impossible to weed out
the charlatans.
 
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I fear death and would like to live forever.  The whole thing still
seems very far away.I talk jokingly about it, I smoke cigarettes;
even in situations where I could have been killed, it still seems
a million miles away from actually happening.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Other: 
     I felt almost nothing, I wasn't withdrawn, but didn't really
understand.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 
     Death always seemed nornal.
 
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     Is there anyone's death that you couldn't handle?  How do you
think you would feel?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat May 13 13:34:02 2000
M25 in Aiea, HI  =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: automobile accident;   Aged: 16.

--Details: 
     he passed his girlfriend who was in another car and got hit head on.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     a part of life.  You come into this world with nothing and leave
with nothing.  But you gain a lot in the middle and give it back
towards the end.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my young cousin died of cancer and I attended
	the funeral.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     How relieved the family was because my great grandmother was hurting
so much and had alzhiemers.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     Life goes on after death. Memories don't have to hurt.

--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the fact that they weren't there whenever I needed or wanted to
see them.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     talk to them like they are a normal person.  They need a friend.
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Lack of Awareness 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Other: 
     I was too young to understand about cancer.
 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May 11 18:51:09 2000
F43 in ,   =Europe=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother,  1 yrs ago.
Aged: 97
--Details: 
     She struggled for 5 ! days (first day was my birthday).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the final end of the physical existence. Connection to this world,
friends, animals, things, everything is lost forever. May be death
means a lot of physical pain and a lot of fear.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     got ill.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...My grandfather - I could not go to the funeral
	because I got ill.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the long struggle

--What I think my (Europe) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     not to deny it. People should speak about it, more research should
be done.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     if very old people get relief from their bad life in old peoples
homes and from their old and damaged body.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     no support.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     that I have to die too.
  
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     talk more about the past

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     no religion.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     none
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     the family was reunited and appreciated the person that had
died. Children, adults and old people were participating in that
experience.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     physical pain and emotional fear.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I want to make sure that my body is burnt. I don't want any priests
at the funeral. I want beautiful music at the funeral. I want a
simple and honest funeral.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I am very much afraid of dying. A lot of fear. It must be a big
emotional shock.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    -none- 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I didn't experience a death of a very close person yet. The death
of a very close person would make me able to fill out more of the
questionnaire.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 10 18:44:05 2000
Anonymous Guest  in ,  ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Step-parent,  3 ago.
Aged: 38
--Details: 
     My step father killed himself...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     Its the end. Where one ceases to live... Ceases to exist and fades
away into darkness..

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     I felt guitly.. I did not assist the funeral.. I just did not want
to think nor talk about it.. i let it boil inside until it made my
mentally ill with clinical depression and anxiety.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...It was my grandfather...I didnt even go to
	the funeral nor see him soon prior to his death(cancer).. I avoided
	the situation completly..Soon after i begane a deep depression and
	suffered severe panic attacks!

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the gut feeling.... The unanswered questions.. the guilt..The
memories that haunted me...Nightmares

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it is not celebrated.. people here morn.. What if instead of
crying we celebrated the life they had..?

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the bad feeling faded out over time....

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     My mother, friends and therapy
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the anxiety
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     to be there, by there side..telling all you think they need to know
before they leave 4 ever.. let then answer any of your un answered
questions..make peace with them....
 
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     i was announced with the death of my grandfather and my stepfather

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I thought I was going  crazy
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     say bye to my grandfather and tell him how much I loved him..
I would of at least said bye to my stepfather and have made peace
with him

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     participate in activities that changed my thoughts a bit.. (trip,
sports)
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 
     Therapy

     Im afraid of death, I thought of it happening to someone I know
makes me physically ill...
 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 10 11:18:34 2000
Anonymous Guest  in ,  ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  yahoo
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 mo ago.
Cause of Death: suicide;   Aged: 41.

--Details: 
     He gassed himself

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     hard

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     crying a lot

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     -

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     it is hard and tuff

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     -

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my mom's brother and friends
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     entered
  
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     How well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Crying and Crying 
     talking to friends

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Crying and Crying 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 10 09:11:10 2000
F48 in , PA  =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You),  5 yrs. ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 66.

--Details: 
     My mother in law -- we knew that she was sick and would die relativly
soon.  She was in the hospital and we were simultaneously planning
to move her to a nursing facility, bring her home with us, take
her to her own home and have a funeral -- the doctor's could not
be more helpful.  She'd been in a hospital only  a few days when
we died and she had been lucid that morning (she died late in the
night) If we had known that she would die so soon, we would not
have left her alone that night.  We had no way of knowing we were
concerned about wearing ourselves out while my husband workd and
I was with the 3 kids.  No o ther reletives in the area.  We still
feel a little guilty that we were not there.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when our bodies stop working.  Sooner or later, all human bodies
wear out or become so badly damaged that they can not be repaired.
However, many people bnelive that wach person also has a soul,
an invisible inner part, that does not ever die and that part,
the soul, will continue to live on after death.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     descussed previously.  I was curious and a little uncomprehending
but not frightened.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was... father of a close family friend.  I had met
	him on several ocassions - picnics, parties etc.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     the last conversation I had with her, that anyone had with h er,
several hours before she died.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it is not the end.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     death can end pain and death can end worse-than-death situations -
Alzheimer's for example.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my relilgious faith.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     The hardest part for me is the uncertianity of when death will
occour.  My husband, age 49, has had half a dozen heart attacks over
the last 6 years or so.  (Type 1 diabetic) He does not want to die
in a hospital, he does not want extraordinary measures, but when he
is sick (hard to tell because his MIs are asympomatic) I never know
if I am making the right decisions when I call for an ambulence.
Am I saving him or prolonging his death?  Sooner or later he will
die, probably from such an event and each time I fear that this
will be the time -- I don't fear loosing him as much as I fear how
I will lose him.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     being there -- anticipating needs -- being normal, reading funny
stories, tellling memories of life together . . .
 
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     when we had no idea how close whe was to dying

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     When I was told that a friend had committed suicide -- out of the
blue, no warning, I laughed out loud! I felt so awful, but the
firend I was with also did the same thing,  I had forgotten all
about that until I read this question!
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     stay with mny MIL the night she died.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     I'm thankful that she was not dying for a ong time.  For her,
but also for my husband and children.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     keeping her mouth and lips moist
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     a fussy, expensive funeral

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I cry when I try and imagine life without my husband

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     don't think about that.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I have never throught that.  I think "Now, it is my turn to deal
with this."

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     One day, a couple of months after my mother-inlaw died, I was
working in my kitchen and suddenly thought "I haven't seen Mae for
the longest time!  How long has it been?  I wonder why we haven't
seen her . . ."  and not until I picked u p the phone to call her
did I remember.  How could I have forgotten?  I was the primaruy
care taker, I managed the estate and doctor's bills, I was the last
family with her . . . and yet I had, for a brief while, compleatly
forgotten that she had died.  A measure of guilt, but also a measure
of "she is not forgotten - her life does go on in those who remember"

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     having to be on your guard, to be present in the hospital as much
as possible.  The individual doctor may be supporti8ng family wishes,
but not the rest of the medical staff.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Organized religion means, meant, nothing to me.  My freligious faith,
that means everything.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     evangelical CHristian
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     ???  We all have souls, but I don't grasp the other.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     what optiions were available to us.  Shortly before she died my
MIL changed her will at the urgings of a funeral home director
-- she made him the executator of her, very llimited, estate!
We had to scramble and get her to make a new one so that there
would be something left from her estate, and that we would have
control, not unscrupulous thief.  Further, the original will had
her estate divided in a particular way, and a relative convinced
her to make the distrubtation equal, instead of a real reflection
of which children had played which role in her life and finances.
So, unfortunatly, we were quite preoccupied with $ matters.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     very simple funeral, very few people.  Memorial mass at a later date.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     had no exper4ience with any of that.  Frankly, I'm skeptical. That
experience indicates that life on earth is the most impirtant,
while I believe that life adter death is the most important.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
      Know many people who have, or have nearly "died"  I think the big
 change is not any revelation but an apreciation of how fragile
 life is and how it should be appreciated and time together with
 people should be cherished.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     My husband's relationship with his mother had not been good for a
very long time.  He had long ago realized that she was never going
to love him and so, while he attended to her needs and helped her
in many ways, her actual death was more of a formality than anything.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I worry about having my things in order -- I don't want anyone
going through my stuff if I haven't getten it all straightened up
and selected.  I worry about pain.  I would ike to be a class act.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     My experience has been that such friendships wither.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Religion/Clergy 
     the family friend was pleased to see us at the funeral home and she
took us children to the casket and explained that her father was not
there anymore, it was just his body but that his spirit was with God.
She let us ask all the questions children ask - will he be buried
with his glasses on?  Is he wearing shoes?  We knew she was sad,
but she made death seem like a normal part of life.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Disbelief it could happen 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May  9 11:08:09 2000
F58 in , Washington  ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Hospice ]
Prof/Studies: Hospice Volunteer Coordinator
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	I've read dozens of helpful books, and recommend them frequently
to others.
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Stephen Levine, Maggie Callahan? Clanahan?,
Patricia Kelly, Ram Das,
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother,  3 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: stroke;   Aged: 75.

--Details: 
     I was with her during about ten days of coma in hospital.  When she
was taken off the ventilator, she died in hospice within hours.
Very natural and peaceful.  It seemed it was her time, and we had
to just let her go. And we did.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end of a personal life.  Our bodies stop functioning, but our
consciousness may actually be set free.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     went numb, then occupied myself caring for my younger brothers and
sisters. (My 18-yr. old brother was killed.) When I went back to
my own home days later, I grieved very, very hard.

--That first time, how it happened was
     I'm part of a very large family--more than 500 first cousins.
	By the time I was six I had seen at least 8-9 dead people, five of
	them children who were my age or younger.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     My brother's death was untimely--he was young, and died instantly
when he was struck by lightning.  I grieved profoundly.  My mother's
death was natural-feeling--she was older (as was I), we had a little
time to prepare and say goodbye.  My grief was much lighter--gentler.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     I promised my mother that I would look after my dad--even though he
and I never got along.  I've kept that promise, and it has brought
me a loving, wonderful relationship with Dad.  (If you knew our past,
you'd see this as a miracle.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     the family example which taught me that death was a natural occurence
and, as difficult as it was, one that we would survive and that
would eventually diminish in intensity.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     with my brother, I was most anguished when I saw the grief of my
youngest sister who was only six. (I was twenty-two.) With my mother,
it was seeing my dad with her.  They had been married 56 years,
and they loved each other deeply.
  
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     I was so proud of my family, and our way of supporting each other.
Some of us were estranged from each other, but we put our own
problems aside and supported Dad in coming to the difficult decision
of shutting off life support.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     see and talk to Mom before she died.  I was always grateful, too,
that with both Mom and my brother I was on very good terms with
them when they died.  I had no regrets.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I watched a nurse bathe my mother for the last time, and I thought
of Jewish women who used to wash the body after death.  I told my
sister that I wished WE could do that for Mom, and she agreed.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I talk with Dad or one of my brothers or sisters about Mom or
my brother.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that my brother, who was young and so full of promise, should never
have a chance to live out his life.

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt that all light and color had gone out of life for awhile
after my brother's death.  Everything looked bleak and depressing.
That gave way gradually, though I continued to be easily moved
to tears.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     I was impressed by the kindness of hospital personnel--it made it
easier to decide what to do.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     I wasn't a practicing Catholic at the time of either death--I left
just before my brother was killed and rejoined after my mother died.
But I like the idea of a church funeral and formalized expression
of grief.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Roman Catholic
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     I believe all living things are interconnected--and consciousness
exists on a cellular level.  Our inner spirits are joined with
those of all people who have gone before.  When we die, we become
pure consciousness--probably apart from our human identities.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     it was for the family--people came to show us their love and
support, and to honor the deceased.  It was heartwarming that so
many people cared.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     it was important to talk to Mom, even though she was in a coma.
I sang to her, stroked her arms, told her things, etc.  Being with
her at the time of death made me lose my fear of dying.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     I had a mild near-death experience.  I bled to death, lost
consciousness and pulse, etc.  I didn't see all the tunnel and
light stuff, but when I started to come back I didn't want to.
Even though I was only 26 at the time, I had this sense of having
to put on so many burdens in order to live.
 
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     When one grandmother died, I was 11 years old.  The morning after
she died, I woke from a dream in which she walked up to our house
all dressed in white and looking radiant.  She handed me a loaf of
homemade bread and said she wouldn't be needing it.  When I told my
mother, she said that grandma had baked bread when she had visited
the day before she died, and she took one loaf home for herself.
I hadn't known that because I was in school when she visited.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     We learned how ambiguous some living wills are.  It made it hard
to use my mom's, and forced my dad to have to make the decision to
take her off the ventilator.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I had ovarian cancer when I was 25 (33 years ago.)  It taught me
to live each day fully and to wrap up loose ends as I went along.
When I die, it will be knowing that I've done the best I could with
my life.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     My relationship with my dad is the best example.  After more than
50 years of practically loathing each other, we have a warm and
loving relationship.  I feel it is my mother's reward for me taking
care of him--calling him every week, being kind and loving to him,
etc.--as I promised her I would.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Very Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Helping Other People cope 
     Our family grieved appropriately, yet accepted death as a natural
event.  When someone died, you pitched in and helped the mourners
by taking food, etc. to them.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Other: 
     I was prepared for grief, but not for the bleakness of mourning.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     With my brother, I looked out for my younger brothers and sisters.
With Mom, I looked out for Dad, mainly.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May  9 06:03:29 2000
M43 in Beaver, Pa  =Beaver=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Teacher
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father,  4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack / stroke;   Aged: 64.

--Details: 
     spent one month in hospital then stroked out

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...a friend died in an automobile accident

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     How much crying helped

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     being told I could do anything that was needed to deal, by my
employer
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     let go
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Love them always
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Friends' Sensitivities 


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May  9 01:47:49 2000
F50 in Erie, PA  =USA=
Name: Linda 
Email: <lindy3=at=peoplep.com>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: artist
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend,  2 1/2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide;   Aged: 17.

--Details: 
     This 17 yr old girl, a friend of my daughters, hung herself.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     Death is the end of living. The loss of the companionship of
another being.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     The first time I experienced the death of someone close to me my
immediate reaction was to scream "NO!".I could not bring myself
to believe something so final could occur. Logically I know death
is inevitable for all living things but it seems so impossible
to comprehend on a gut level. Too final, no more chances. Such a
feeling of "but wait..."

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandfather died, illness. We had never
	been close.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     How it tore a hole in the fabric of our lives. The nightmarish
feeling. The wanting to be close to help my daughter heal but the
surealistic quality of that time seemed to make actual contact
impossible. Stunned, and torn. Hurting so badly each of us dwelling
on what we might have done. A time of hell. Funny thing is the brutal
pain of a suicide for us brought on suicidal depression.Suicide,
I now believe,is like a black hole-can suck more people in to
it's blackness.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     It is a natural transition,as is birth. And guaranteed from the
moment of birth.That there is a place we go back to. That there is
a God.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     That as the initial grief passed. my daughter-who had been suicidal
herself- promissed me she would not suicide. I had been through
years of that worry with her.After seeing the reality of suicide
and the horrible black pain it caused-a pain that radiated out
over so many people. Suicide, to me, opens the dark side into this
world-as if Satan himself reaches out through this opening and
laughs as faith is shattered and dreams die and this is his chance
to destroy even more lives. The blackness spreads. A very scary
time to live through. Over 2 yrs and i'm still trying to heal,
to regain my faith that God is there and is a kind and loving God.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     The Al-Anon program and my sponcer.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     The guilt
  
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     have learned and am learning that I can only live one life,
the on that was given to me. I am powerless over the choices of
others. And also get a support group outside the immediate family.
The whole family needs each other, that's true, BUT.. everyone in
the family is in pain. So all the hurting people turn to each other
for help when they are all helpless.I found that turning outside
for support from people who are not in this immediate crisis gave
me strength and peace I could then go back to the family with. A
break in the cycle of hopeless trying to lean on helpless.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I don't believe anyone can keep their mind so intensly focused on the
nightmare they are living-their head reeling with the changes they
will now face-the final emptyness without some sort of emotional
release and "thought breaks".Crying and laughing are very close
emotions- one can fall into the other in times of stress.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     the pain does not go away.When I was younger I was told "oh, you'll
get over it" that to me is now a lie, perhaps missconception, I
have come to believe that we never "get over it" we learn to live
with it. To walk along side of it. I alters us, as all changes
do. It is there allways now, I simply learn to close that "book"
and do the next thing my life asks of me. The "book" will always
remain --many, many "books" as I get older. If I chose to take it
down and look through it I will feel the emotions again.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     This life would be very different indeed. I had just been pulling
my life together from other tragedies and had been feeling free and
happy for the first time in many years. My faith was growing and
I felt hope and promise for the future, And I felt, for the first
time in my life that I didn't have to take care of everyone else.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     life is so hard--making the right choices is so hard, If only I
had............. ,but i didn't know.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     really convince myself that it never happened and regain the
happiness I had.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     I cannot say I can really get my mind around the death idea even
now. I know they are gone, I know they are dead, but somehow it
still seems somewhat unreal. Perhaps because deep in my heart I
believe they have simply gone on--not here but not "dead" as in no
longer having any existance at all.

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     I do not belong to any church. My path is not formal religion,
my path is spiritual. I believe in Jesus Christ, and God, as my
higher power.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Christian
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     we are all children of one God, no matter by what name we call
Him. All created by one Hand.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I had a grandmother that experienced visitations for a week prior
to her death. She spoke with some in Hungarian. One visitor she had
was an ex-son in law. She didn't like him in life and she didn't
like him then either. I never had heard my grandma in law swear but
she sat up and said " you keep that damn Danny out of here! If he
shows up again you keep him OUT!" well I would have liked to comply
but I was limited by the fact that I could not see him. I wondered,
would it really be heaven for her if "that damned Danny" were there?
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     I had what I now call a near death experience. When it happened to
me I'd never heard of it-or a name for it.I didn't even tell anyone
about it for about 2 years, not until I saw a program on TV and
they were talking about what had happened to me! I still have only
told about 4 people. This is not an open for discussion topic for
me. Very simply- I had surgery and stopped breathing as a result
of the anesthetic. I knew when this happened, I could hear the
nurses but I could not move or call for help. This was terrifying
then I was gone. The wonderful white light reached down as I came
through the darkness and lifted me into the light. I knew this
was God, and I was there in His presence. I felt ashamed of what
and who I was and God knew this and His loving presence filled me
with knowing His pure love of me  as  I  am . How all the personal
shortcomings I was so ashamed of were not shortcomings at all but
rather characturstics that made me uniquely me, His treasure. All
his children His treasures. And I felt the light of His love enter
me and fill me with peace and joy and I became raidiant too. Light
now flowing from my head my feet my finger tips. Joy. I was given
the understanding of everything- it all fell into place and I
understood the nature of all things and the whys and that was clear
too--peace in knowing--some sadness for the way some things had
to be but understanding why. Then the full joy again. Others were
there but I was not permitted to go to them or them to me. Then in
this Presence I look as if down through parting clouds and see my
husband and daughter of 5, I see the in the waiting room they do
not yet know that I have died. He's reading to her. I look with
small sadness at what they soon will know--must go through. But
I know with certainty that where they are is the dream and where
I am is the reality. That they might cry but not know they were
crying the tears of a young childs nightmare. I wished I would be
able to comfort them so they could see where they were was not the
reality. Just like when you go to a crying child and wake them
and turn on the light so they can see what had frightened them
was not real. But I also felt joy in knowing they would in time
find out this ultimate truth. Then I was gently put to sleep and
woke up here again. The answers were gone, only the certainty the
everything did make sense remained. That and the certainty that this
is but a short dream. Reality is in the presence of God, and he loved
me,completely,thoroughly to a level beyond my comprehension. I wish
I could say I came away from this Divinely altered but I did not. I
guess I came away from my experience alittle different though, I
have less patience with people who want to make this life hard,or
who want to cheat and manipulate, or those who think they are better
than others because of money. Don't they see how short this visit
is? Why muck it up with goofy rules and predudice? They will also
die and find out we are all one. Odd, all one but many.
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Thoughts of the Afterlife 
     dealing with death is very different now then when I was 8. The death
of my grandfather  had virtually no effect on me. The most recent
death I lived through in this life was the suicide of my daughters
friend. This is what I will be responding about from this point on.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Guilt 
     The way this suicide destroyed my faith in God. I had trusted and
felt I had been trusting no one -felt like there was just empty space
I had relied on. That God's will ,if there was a God, was too harsh-
I felt terror and betrayal. And I felt GUILT. I should have taken
over instead of trusting God.
 
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Mon May  8 22:22:44 2000
F22 in Singleton, New South Wales  =Australia=
Name: Jodie 
Email: <jodie_lee_78=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
  Stumbled across you when exploring

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Prof/Studies: Kitchenhand/certificate in Business
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother,  5 ago.
Cause of Death: suicide;   Aged: 19.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my Grandfather died of a stroke

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     thinking what a waist od a most talented and interesting and kind
and caring human being

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Family's Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Helping Other People cope 
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Mon May  8 22:05:46 2000
F17 in Burlington, IA  =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Student, Business Management
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 71?.

--Details: 
     He had cancer and I didn't understand it until after the fact.
It took over and shut down his vital organs one by one.  He was
bedridden in a hospital for months and I regretfully only visited
him one time.  Mostly because my father didn't want us to see him.
It got his liver and his skin was a very yellow color.  He couldn't
speak or eat without the aid of an IV.  I couldn't tell if he
was awake or asleep since he was too weak to even close his
eyes to sleep.  He finally passed in his sleep one night when my
father and his siblings and mother were called into the hospital.
Around 2:00 he passed.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     a painful part of life that must take place.  It's a mystery what
happens afterword, but everyone has their own belief or hope.
It is when all the mortal parts of a human cease to function.
The soul lives on in eternity.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was too young too fully understand but I was very hurt and I remember
seeing my great grandfather in his casket during the wake and I
held his hand.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My great grandfather died.  For as long as I can remember, I thought
	he was my grandfather, because the actual one was not in the picture.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     A lot of crying even though I never met the person.  She was very
young, 24 I think and she was in the Air Force.  She was my next
door neighbors daughter.  I remember her 3 year old son walking
down the aisle because the service was over and he was holding his
father's hand.  He turned toward a handful of other airmen/airwomen
dressed and uniform and he called out mommy, as if she was one
of them.  He didn't understand and that was the saddest part.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     Nothing. There's nothing to know.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the bonding my grandfather's death forced upon the rest of the
family.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     being alone and crying
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     that I don't like to share and everytime I talk about my grandfather
my voice shakes and quivers even if I'm not sad.
  
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     took his presence for granted.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     they painted so much make up on him and made him look wax

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Passage of Time 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 
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Mon May  8 13:57:02 2000
M31 in ,   ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	Tuesdays with Morrie,
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Mitch Albom
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather,  12 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer;   Aged: 66.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my grandfather died

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     that it is not something that should be kept quiet.  I am tired
of people being affraid to talk to someone experiencing grief.
I say break the silence and reach out a hand.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my reflection and writing that I have done myself on the topic.
I also teach sociology and we do a Death and Dying Unit...teaching
death education really helps you gain a different perspective.
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Helping Other People cope 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Silence & Taboos 

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Sun May  7 22:41:21 2000
F18 in Brush Prairie, Wa  =USA=
Name: Jamie
Email: <fairyland2000_18=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Student
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: car accident;   Aged: 16.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end of this life

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     it was my dad's dad, he died when I was a baby

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was... A friend died at the same time as my
	grandfather did.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     I tried to avoid the entire subject

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     nothing

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     they are in a better place and I will see them again

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     myself I delt with it
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     watching the family
  
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I wanted to talk to them and I realized that he was gone

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I always laugh, it is how i deal
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     tell them how much they ment to me

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     get through the whole thing
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     we had the memorial and it turned into a picnic almost
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     right away when he wasn't there

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I don't I haven't cried at all

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would appretiate him more

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     He was suposed to be here so much longer and he didn't have a chance
in life

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     see him again
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     keept myself busy so I don't think about it

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     they did there best to help
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     support for those that needed it
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Christian
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     when we die if we belive in God we go to Heaven and are all united
as one
 
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     it didn't really hit me for a few weeks that he was gone

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Keeping Busy 
     just didn't think about it


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Helping Other People cope 

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Sun May  7 13:43:18 2000
F24 in San Antonio, Texas  =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  yahoo

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Prof/Studies: Retail Sales
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance,  8yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident;   Aged: mid-40's.

--Details: 
     My best-friend's mother died.  I was supposed to accompany them for
a weekend trip to their ranch house.  I decided not to go, instead
opting to spend time with a new romantic interest.  On the way back,
their driver fell asleep and ran off the road.  My best friend's
arm was broken, and her mother was thrown from the vehicle, and
the car rolled over on top of her.  My friend told me at one point
in her grief that it should have been me that died, as her Mom was
sitting next to her, very likely where I would have sat in the car.
I understand that she was in agony, and she did not handle the
death well (or as well as could be expected in the circumstance).
She was out of school for almost two months, was hospitalized for
exhaustion, and would not accept anybody's assistance in coping
with the tragedy.  I tried to be as supportive as I could, but
she wanted nothing to do wih me.  After a few months I decided to
leave her alone, as this seemed to be the ending she wanted for our
friendship.  She did not return phone calls, would not acknowledge my
presence, and disregarded every attempt I made to reconnect with her.
I still feel guilt for "abandoning" her, but I did not want to feel
responsible for something I truly had no part in, and she was failing
to acknowlegde this point, only persisting in making me feel bad.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end of physical existence, the recycling of the planet, the
exhaustion of the human body, the end of consciousness, a farewell
to family and friends, the end of an era

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     did not cry, I was comfortable with what had happened.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...mt great-grandmother died of natural causes
	in her sleep at age 87.  We were very close.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     thinking how sad it is that someone can become so trapped in the
present that they cannot release their grief.  Death is irreversible,
it is useless to mourn, rather start memories that will enable you
to keep that human fresh in your mind for as long as you live.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     it is final.  We are animals just like every other being on this
planet.  After death, there is no recreation, no regeneration, no
rebirth, no reincarnation.  On the other hand, for the religiously
inclined in consideration to heaven, is it there waiting for us?
Is it hypothetical so that we may deal with death a little more
comfortably?  Has it been created by a single consiousness that
believes in it?

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     there may not be a tomorrow, make sure that you are the best that
you can be today, there make not be a tomorrow to make apologies.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     seeing others cope rationally
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     being held responsible for an accident of which I was not part.
Being held responsible for a death which I had no chance to prevent.
  
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     the ceremony of the funeral arrived.  It is so acceptably to be
solemn and quiet.  It's fine to be sad thet they are no longer with
us, but why not start rejoicing in their memory, share funny stories,
look at old pictures, create a fond rememberance.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     it is healthy to express emotions, don't hold back laughter at any
time, it may cheer up another person
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     reconcile with my friend

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I imagine getting a phone call that my husband has died in an
accident and I did not get a chance to say goodbye and thank you.

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     looked at old pictures to remind me of them

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     following strict catholic regimen for coping with the passing of a
loved one.  The standard ceremonies, the solomn faces, the hushed
whipsers, the anxious glances at the grieving.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     currently I have no affiliation, I was raised Catholic.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     I don't think there is a spirit that survives.  everything in nature
supports this.  I think people want to believe in spirits so much
that they create fantastic apparitions that are very real to them.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     how artificial, contrived, and prearranged it felt.  Maybe knowing
how a funeral is going to procede makes it easier for people to
attend, but social graces do not allow people to act freely in
their emotions, no matter how extreme or passive they are.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     thinking that I am much more adept at coping with the passing of
another than most people I've witnessed.  It has made me wonder if I
am "cold" and lacking compassion, but most people are complete wimps.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     give in to extreme grief for the first 24 hours, after that it
is necessary to pick yourself up and start over.  There is no use
dying in the past.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I have never had a dying person relate this phenomenon if it has
occurred
 
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     a few days after my grandfather died, I was falling asleep in my
bedroom.  I felt a "whoosh" of cold air and I think I saw a shadow.
My TV-impressed mind thought immediately that it was his ghost
coming to visit.  But logically, I slept next to a window and it
was late fall.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Memories to hold 
     I was young and understood what had happened, but also understood
that she wouldn't be sick anymore


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    -none- 

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Thu May  4 09:28:58 2000
Anonymous Guest  in ,  ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: uncurable brain tumour;   Aged: 76.

--Details: 
     She was at my wedding in October and her vision was very blurry.
After 3 or 4 weeks she had a seizure and we took her to the hospital,
thinking she was having a stroke.  They found the tumour and told
us she had 6 weeks to 3 months.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     The next stage in our life.  The next round.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was only 15.  I was angry, hurt and confused.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My Grandfather was dying with terminal lung cancer.. he lived 6
	months and died very slowly and very painfully.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     Looking at her and thinking how I never realized that she had
become an old woman.  I had always seen her in a different way,
so vital and strong.  Laying there, she looked so old.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     That everyone accepts or denies death differently.  No one ever
reacts the same.  Some mourn, some never do.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     It made our family realize that we all needed each other.

--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     The memories.  Everything I see reminds me of her.  I walk through
stores and see things she would have bought, or things I want to
buy for her (forgetting that she is gone).
  
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     Sometimes the strangest things can make you laugh.  Nan was very
strict when it came to jewelry, makeup and clothes.  When we got
to the funeral home, my aunt was mortified that they had painted
Nan's fingernails.  She exclaimed that "Nan would just sit right
up in that casket if she had seen it".  I couldn't help myself.
My response was, " well then, for goodness sake, leave it on!"
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     say goodbye.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I wouldn't want that life.  SHe wasn't really living anymore.
She didn't know us, or even herself sometimes.  She couldn't speak
or even get out of bed.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     why her?  She had so much left to do.  SHe was the pillar in our
family that kept it running smoothly.  She never did anything to
cause this cancer.  She never , in her entire life, drank, smoked,
etc.  No one deserves to get cancer, I just think it's sad that it
had to happen to her when she was so careful trying to avoid things
like that.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     See her again.  One last time.  She always said that he would still
be here, long after she was gone.  I don't feel as if she is.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     felt alone.  I felt like no one else in the world was there.

--Religious Affiliation:
     I was baptised United, confirmed Anglican.  In my heart, I'm United.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     Right.  My Nan was United Pentecostal.  A far stretch from United.
We both believed, however, that we will meet again, that the spirit
is not something that one religion can feel, but it comes to all
of us, in death.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     Some of the family is fighting over it.  Others feel what she left is
a gift, not a right.  She had inherited a lot of money, just before
her death. Now some feel it is there right to have it.  It's not
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Teen Ager  
			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Passage of Time 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Rage 
     I was angry at him, God, the doctors who couldn't help him
 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thu May  4 07:39:45 2000
F26 in West Warwick, Rhode Island  =USA=
Name: Jennifer St.Laurent
Email: <Jenst77=at=prodigy.net>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Writer
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6 months ago.
Cause of Death: old age, cancer;   Aged: 82.

--Details: 
     Toward the end, he was nothing but a skeleton.  All he did was sleep.
He wore a diaper and couldn't talk.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     a natural occurence.  Our souls leave our bodies and if needed come
back to earth in the form of another body.  We repeat this cycle
until we achieve enlightenment.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     Felt a great loss.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...  I stole a cat from a man who abused it.
	I named him Tabby and he lived outside.  I fed him everyday but he
	didn't let me come near him too often.  One day he was hit by a car
	- it was a beat up puke green station wagon.  The car just kept
	on going.  I picked him up and carried him up the street to find
	my sister.  He was killed on the spot and his eyes were bulging
	out of his head.  I cried and cried as I carried him and then my
	sister and I buried him in the back yard.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     Accepting this death.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     to stop trying to prevent it all the time.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     My family
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     The fact that I'd never see him again
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Even if it's hard to see the person dying, still visit the person.
 
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Kissed him while he was in the coffin.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I saw him dying and wanted to kiss him but I was afraid (of what
I don't know) and I regret not kissing him while he was alive.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     The celebration of life is still necessary among death.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     See him one more time while he was awake and give him a kiss

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Be strong at the wake and funeral
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     My sister said that my grandfather's spirit visited her.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     The extremely expensive coffin he was buried in.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I think about never seeing him again.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     When children die or people die in stupid wars.

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     regretted not visiting him one more time and not giving him a kiss
and not saying much to him while he was dying.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     My grandfather was kept very comfortable and he was able to die in
his home.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     good
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     he was going to heaven
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     I do not belong to an organized religion but I strongly believe
in God.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     correct
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     It bought the best funeral money could buy.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     The dreaded feeling of him going into the wall.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     my acceptance.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     My grandfather's spirit visited my sister
 
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I love you.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     My sister was visited by my gradfather.  He let her know everything
was allright.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I don't want to live like a vegetable so pull the plug.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     Well, I am a bit scared of dying.  I believe in reincarnation so
I guess everything will be ok.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Child  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Other: 
     God and reincarnation


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Friends' Insensitivities 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     After burying my grandfather, I thought my boyfriend would console
me but he left me sitting in his apartment while he took care of
his car problem.  I became angry and left.  I'm angry right now.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I think this questionnaire is great.  I feel a little sad right
now though.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May  3 05:01:57 2000
F29 in Sydney, NSW  =Australia=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Electronic Technician
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	I cant remember
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband,  2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer;   Aged: 37.

--Details: 
     His death was painful and undignified. He was terrified.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     felt very calm and unreal in myself.

--That first time, how it happened was
     How it happened was...my husband died at the age of 37 on my 28th
	birthday

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     The actual death.

--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     Displaying emotion.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     The end of the pain.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     music
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Feeling bad because of the loss of life. The loss and the total
change in my life.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Just shut up. Lean over, give the person a kiss and simply hold
their hand. There is not always a need for words.
 
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Have learnt that nothing is forever and each day is a preciosu
memory that can never be taken away.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     The pulling of no I am not going to die I am too young, to the I
will die shortly, with the total acceptance when I was not accepting
to well.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I never laughed.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Spend the last day my husband had on this earth together and at home.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Be his strength when he needed it.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     anniversaries come up.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     Oh god if only. It hurts way to much to go there and do what if's.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     why so young.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     Be easier on myself.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     got in my car and screamed my head off driving down the freeway
at speed.

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Comfort
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Anglican
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     A great military funeral that was very well presented.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     Having to drive home alone in peak hour traffic straight after
the death.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     Oh god how sad don't do that.

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I felt presence but I didnt reflect on any of that till long
after. I know it didnt offer any comfort to me at the time but I
hope it did for my husband.
 
 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Young Adult  
			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Music 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Silence & Taboos 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue May  2 19:25:11 2000
F35 in , dublin  =ireland=
Name: sandra
Email: <obsfam5=at=gofree.indigo.ie>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Prof/Studies: housewife and mother
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5 months ago.
Cause of Death: abdominal auorta anuersym;   Aged: 65.

--Details: 
     there is an inquest on this friday 5th may 2000. my  mother was
sent to hospital by her own docyor who suspected an aaa. she went
in on a wenesday was sent home brought back on thursday addmitted
and died early friday morning.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     like taking my heart and tearing it in two. leaving me numb  empty
unable to fuction confused scarey lonely and leaving me numb again
and not knowing how ifeel  because right now i dont know how i feel
about anything.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     it is still recent im still numb.

--What I think my (ireland) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     how to communicate with the breaved.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     i felt a calmness on my way to the hospital and i knew my mother
was gone i belive she came to me herself to spare me the news from
the doctors and told me herself.

--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the pain i have being putting offwhich is getting harder to block
as each day goes by. I KNOW i have to belive what has happened
accept but i am terrified of the pain i have to face to get to the
other side.
  
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     my mother was seriously ill she was fine and we were told was to
have an operation to correct her problem she was fine when i spoke
to the hospital on the phone then minutes later i am sent for and
then my mother is gone.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     it was about 3 months later and i thought how can i laugh my mam
is gone.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     go to my mother earlier i wanted to but the doctor and nurse said
she was fine and resting i wish i had followed my own instincts.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     help organise the funeral.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     my son was reading out his prayer and tribute to his nana    and her
started to get upset i expected him to run from the alter instead
he pulled himself together and continued i was so proud of him he
is 9. i was and still am impressed by the 6 grandchildren for the
part the played  during the funeral the youngest is 6 and eldest 13.
 
--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     be with her i know this is not something i will do anything
about. but instead i have done a very good job at blocking it out
so much so i belive more so that my mother is alive than gone.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     it has not hit me yet.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     i dont really know i have blocked out so much i dont know how i
feel right now but after the inquest i guess i will.   i do know
i dont trust doctors like idid and never will again.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     catholic
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     it did not matter                     
 
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     i would like to know that my mam was truly happy and with my dad
and that i will be reunited with them some day.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     im not as afraid as iwas right now i just think how great it would
be to be with mam. and if she is going to meet me and i belive she
will i will be happy.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	at what age  
			How'd I do?     How well

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     to have someone who will be there for you just to listen mostly
lend a shoulder to cry on just to let you know you are not annoying
them or being a nusance to really feel you can rely on them and tell
them how you feel without being judged and secure in the knowledge
that you can trust them to keep everything you say to themselves.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     i didnt feel very much i dont allow myself to.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon May  1 12:02:48 2000
F23 in Albert Lea, Minnesota  =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: art
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     My dad was a veteran. He taught me the most important lesson I have
ever learned in life: Insist upon yourself, never imitate. That
was someone else's quote, but the message is the same.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 67.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     an escape from the physical ties that bind us to the earth into
another spiritual form

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried

--That first time, how it happened was
     My grandmother that I was so-so close to died when I was just
	entering high school

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     a feeling of emptiness

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     it's not always a bad thing. Suffering is far worse. People need
to learn to let go and stop being selfish and holding on when the
dying person doesn't want to hold on anymore

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     I realized that I need to tell people how I fell about them more

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     physical things left behind
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     the shock, there were too many things undone and unsaid
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     hold their hand
 
--[My Father's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     realized that I am who I am because of him. Realized the the things
I take for granted: personality, morals, values, outlook, are all
what he taught me.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I really wasn't confused

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     have a child before he died

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     say I love you
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I was at work and I could smell his hospital room. His familiar
father odor came to me for just a second about three days before
he died. That's when I knew that I had to see him because the end
was near.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I see or feel or hear, etc. something that was "ours" together

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     he was supposed to see me graduate college in two days. And he was
supposed to give me away at my wedding in two months

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     blow something up
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     became angry and very bitter

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     bitterness and hatred. They kept telling him to wait, that he didn't
need an operation yet. They were wrong. They killed him
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     I had no contact personally with hospice
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Dad not wanting to die until he was sure he was going to see God,
and me hating God and everything else around me. God doesn't exist
to me, but He does to Dad.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     none at all, really. No idea yet.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     there is some all powerful spirit out there, but I'm not entirely
convinced which one it is. I think Christians are wrong, but I
don't yet know who's right as far as what's right for my beliefs
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     even when you die they stick it to you
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     eerie. Taps, 21 gun salute, the flag. It was very surreal

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     being emotional in front of my family. I'm usually pretty cold,
and hated myself for crying

--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I don't know if he had experiences, but I hope he had something
comforting that made the whole process easier. It must be the worst
thing in the world to know that you are dying
 
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     Did you know I loved you? Did it hurt? Is there really a life
afterwards and a God?

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     I get odors. Very faint ones, or faint breezes in a completely
still room. I can't shake the feeling that I'm not alone.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     It is my life that has ended. It is my body that is dead, I want it
to be taken care of the way I specify. If I want people to party and
live it up when I die, then I would hope that they would just knowing
that I don't consider my death as a time of sorrow but of happiness
because I'm moving on to something greater - whatever that may be

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I wouldn't do anything any differently just because I was dying, and
I am not the type to be extra careful about something just because
it might hurt me. According to the supposed "experts" everything
nowadays can kill you, so you might as well enjoy life while you can.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I kiss his tombstone when I visit. It's like his tombstone has
absorbed his spirit when I'm there.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
     I give a little wink to thin air or blow a little kiss to nothing
at all. Well, nothing to someone else who might see me.

 - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

1st Death event occurred in my life at: 	Pre-Teen  
			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Friends' Sensitivities 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Viewing the Body 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 
             
See  Apr 00   contributions.
See  Mar 00   contributions.
See  Current  contributions.
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