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See Current contributions.
See Feb 00 contributions.
See Jan 00 contributions.
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Fri Mar 31 23:48:53 2000
F55 in Los Angeles, California =USA=
Name: Joanne Sterling
Email: <sterlingideas=at=cs.com>
Web: http://WWW-site not complete
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Real Estate Broker
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
on death and dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
keebler-ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 1.5 ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 62.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the exiting of the container we used, by our spirit
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was awestruck at its finality
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was: the death of my grandfather, after a number
of hospitalizations.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
again, I was awestruck by its profundity, and awful beauty
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is an everyday reality. that we are all marching to it. that
its existence should intensify our living process
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i was acutely aware that the spirit of the person i loved was no
longer in its body. the body got left, but the spirit was (hard
to explain) all around me. it made me realize that death is not
the end, just an ending of a chapter.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
thoughts of the man i loved, our memories. Also I found relief in
distracting myself by helping others.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never holding him, delighting in his company, exchanging with his
mind, in the same was again. Also, the grief expressed itself ,
and still does, physically. I get literally sick (throwing up)
and there is a pain that is indescrible. Mornings waking, I feel
an awful aloneness that I have never experienced before, like being
on another planet.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Not to be sour, or down. It helped my husband for us to joke, for me
to treat him as I always did. We played a game, as though life was
perfectly normal, as long as we could. As he worsened, and he began
to retreat, the best I could think of to do for him was treat him
as his mother might have, when he was a baby...meaning, soothing,
comforting, cajoling, cuddling, singing to him. it seemed to help
and ease him down.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
survived
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Just before things got worse, I was still trying to give my
husband the dignity and consideration of letting him make his own
decisions. There came a time, probably sooner than I knew, when
he was incapable. I wanted so much for him to be in charge of
himself as much as he wanted to be. And because we played a game
that he would get better, I'm not sure how much he knew about his
real state...I think he knew for a very long time and was keeping
up appearances for me. I hope that wasn't a burden for him, and
that I wasn't a whimp...actually a calmness came over me that
I can't believe even today. Like an instinctive part took over,
even tho I'd never been thru it before. I found I was functioning
intuitively for at least 6 months.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
angels were with us, and helped us. Two days before he died, the
two of us, in the biggest pickle of our lives, laughed hysterically
at the absurdity of our situation. I was so lucky to have him for
my friend, that we could be so intensely involved together in it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
take him away for an extended vacation while he was able, and also I
wish I had been more assertive and insisted on hospice. His doctors
had no courage, and couldn't "call it," when it was time. I had
to do that, and I was alone in it. He might have benefitted for
comfort care I didn't know how to give, and I certainly would have
benefitted from giving up what became a 24hr vigil...there would
have been more of me left after it was over.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
provide for the disposal of his body without going nuts.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
anyone performed any small kindness, from a visit, to a phone call,
to a pat on the hand, to a smile in the elevator. The kindest
people were the nurses on the floor in the hospital, and medical
technicians.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
religious support and presence of minister..actually was an
irritant. Also I did not have the strength or the inclination to
endure a memorial service...and never missed it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I'm quiet and alone on a special day (holiday) or I'm heading home
at the end of a long hard day, or I pass a favorite hang-out of his,
arrive from a flight with no one there, or encounter a problem I
would have loved to talk over with him. Or when I have a day when
people are mean.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would be vastly different, and better. I was always better with
him than without. It wasn't that he completed me, or I him. Life was
just better when we faced it together because we were a ferocious,
powerful combination. I would be better financially, socially and
psychologically. No question about it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that life is so short. It took so long for us to find each other,
and the joy was relatively short-lived. I feel it is unfair that
I must now face the rest of my own time alone
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
disappear.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wanted my own death to come now, quickly, because I really couldn't
(and still don't) envision existence without my friend.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
cynicism.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I didn't get the privilege. His primary care doctor was a chicken
shit who didn't have the courage to make the call, even when I
begged for help. Also, I am certain that cost containment was a
very large issue for us. My husband was a victim of "capitated
contracts." We couldn't afford round the clock care. Best I could
do was a person 3 hrs/3 days per week at my own expense. The rest I
did as I could. I think they were just hoping he would die, since
he had lasted far longer than they first predicted.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
absolutely nothing. We were very spiritual, and attended church,
but our church (Catholic) had no support system in place for us. The
two visits we received were not comforting, and in fact we felt
the burden of having to make the minister feel better...he couldn't
look us in the eye.
--Religious Affiliation:
roman catholic. I was more fervent during my husband's illness,
and returned regularly to church for a while after he died, but
feel religion abandoned us, so I haven't much use for it.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comfortable, true, right.
--Regarding MONEY:
we never had enough, and the little we had dwindled fast. Money would
have helped the comfort aspect, but eventually it was a non-reality
except that i completely forgot to pay most bills for some time. In
fact, I'm still having trouble establishing its importance, even
though i need it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there was no funeral. we had no family supporting us, with the
exception of a daughter who was away at school. and very few
friends. in fact, my main fear was that if i had a memorial, no
one would come. we were that alone in the end.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
what to do with the body
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i think i got it, even though i hadn't been there before. there
was a look, in the eyes. you could feel the soul withdrawing. i
could feel the effort of the body: everything was an
effort:elimination,breathing,sitting,conversation. there was a
heaviness to his existence which could not be ignored.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i could have used a really good friend at that time.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he was absolutely in the company of someone, or something. In the
last few weeks of his life, he would sometimes have such a beatific
smile on his face, and the last two days of his life he was most
definitely accompanied. I never saw anything, but I felt it, and
it was calming and soothing to me , too.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My only issue is that he left me totally stripped financially,
and he knew it. In many instances,because he was terminally ill, I
let him continue to feel he was in charge because it was important
to his dignity. Decisions he made then were often at my expense,
but he was fighting for his life and I was supporting it. I feel he
owes me whatever "assistance" he can manage, and I know I'll get it,
but I'm not sure how.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
First, I would want to know that he is happy. Then I would want to
know if it bothers him that I want him with me still. If it does
bother him, and he needs to move on, I hope we could talk about
that. And I hope I could hear that he will be present in my life,
and help me through it. That would give me courage. Sometimes, I'm
very much on the edge in trying hard to be optimistic when actually,
I'm not.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My daughter and I both have experienced, together and separately,
what can only be explained as paranormal phenomenon. Initially,
on the day he died, it manifested in electrical ways--explosion of
lite bulbs which burned electric wires, his "voice" zooming in my
head. I could feel the joy and freedom he was telling me about ,
but not in words. We have also experienced spontaneous lighting of
candles, and once an explosion in the middle of our living room,
with a light so bright it hurt our eyes, very strong and quick,
like lightening, here and gone in an instant but definitely not of
our imagining or even past experience.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
There is no question the person must articulate his wishes. And
those wishes must then be honored. In fact, I now think I have a
huge responsibility to those I will leave behind to take care of
as much as I can before I go, and to be clear in the execution of a
living will; I implemented a DNR order on more than one occasion for
my husband, and have no qualms about doing the same for myself, and
in fact have been very clear with my daughter about it. For me, the
hardest burden was decision about and disposal of the remains. This,
because my husband was superstitious and would never even let me
allude to it. So I had to guess what the right thing would be. It
would have been so nice if he/we had dealt with all of that, so that
on the day he died (a holiday, to make things worse) I wouldn't have
had to think about who to call, what to do, how much it would cost.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Well, first, I hope I have some time because i've only recently
realized there is so much I have to do. My husband's passing taught
me how important and precious each minute is and I try to live that
way now. For a while, I wanted to die. In fact, during his illness,
I wanted to die for him, I think because I thought he had more to
contribute than I do. But I know I was left for a reason, and that
my own story is still unfolding. However, I am not as afraid of
my own death now. Of course I'm afraid of the process, i.e., pain,
aging, loneliness, but not the final transition. I think it might
be a relief to know I would die soon. I could just get down to the
business of it, it would take some of the pressure off, you know,
to amount to something here.......
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
still working on it, but I find singing and playing piano healing
in a way that nothing else works. Music has been a great help to
me. Early on, I lit a candle each nite, and spoke to my husband all
the time. I still do, and tell him good morning, and good night,
as i always did. when i took a trip, i took a small container of
his ashes with me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I will never be the same. Sometimes, even now, in a crowd, I will
suddenly internally talk to him, because the outside doesn't make any
sense. He warns me in traffic, and about gas, practical things. and
I hear and feel him pushing, pushing me to get on with living. When
my daughter is home, we talk about him a lot, remembering his humor,
his spirit. I now try to incorporate him in everything I do, so he
won't be lost. I also know intuitively that he wants me to get on
with living, which will set him free. I know it, but I just can't
quite get there yet.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
not yet. I hope this is true.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
relatives at the time were of no help whatsoever, and it was my
first experience of the hypocrisy of religion
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I am adamant about service, and immediately joined a choir and
continued in a support position at the local Wellness Community. When
anyone is ill, or in the hospital, I'm your guy for visits,
casseroles, phone calls. This is primarily to help me, because it
feels useful to be of service, particularly when I know so much and
need for that knowledge to be used. but also, we never had visits,
very few phone calls, and I remember him day after day alone in
bed with only me to be there. It would have helped us both. I would
have loved being invited to dinner, or finding cookies on my porch.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I actually loved doing this. Over an hour has passed, and what
was initially a hopeful search for a site to get a book to read,
or SOMETHING, has turned into great therapy. I have not thought,
in an organized way, about a lot of these questions. One thing that
surprises me, in this process, is how much ANGER is still inside.
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Fri Mar 31 22:00:40 2000
F27 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Pain is Inevitable but Misery is Optional so Stick A Geranium in
Your Hat and Be Happy
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Barbara Johnson
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 9 ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 79.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
painful and confusing for the people left on earth but many times
a welcomed friend for the dying.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was devastated.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my great grandmother, who i was very close
to died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
certain things about my grandma. i remembered details all of a
sudden that were very clear and specific to her....for example, the
way her hands felt when she closed both of them over my hands....her
smell when i hugged her.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the time that i did have with her and also that she was finally
relieved of some suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
remembering her and reaing about ways to help myself through the
experience of losing her.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
walking in her house and not having her where she always had been
before. it was the first time that a close family member whom i
had known all my life had died. it was totally foreign to me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to make them feel like they have your blessing to go. don't make
them feel like you won't be able to go on in they aren't alive.
i think that the dying person will do whatever it takes to protect
their loved ones...even fight a fight that is too difficult. give
them peace.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have her with me for longer. she died when i was 18. i wish i
had her into adulthood b/c i know that she would have had wonderful
advice for me for times that have been difficult.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know her...learn from her. i will never forget her and my children
will know who she was and what an incredibly special prson she
was...even though they will never meet her here on this earth.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
something completely unrelated to her happens and i just wish i could
pick up the phone or drive to her house and tell her all about it.
so many of what i have accomplished has been b/c of an example she
set for me a long time ago. i want her to know that and when i
realize that i can't tell her, that hurts.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
my life could only be better with her in it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she couldn't be with us longer.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go to her house and sit with her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and cried and cried and then cried some more. everytime
something would remind me of her, i would cry again.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a great deal of support. putting my pain and grief in God's hands
was the only way i got through it.
--Religious Affiliation:
christian.....methodist
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it seemed to me to be a reflection of what a wonderful person my
grandmother was and how many lives she had touched.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i feel very fortunate to feel like i left nothing unsaid or undone.
the only thing i can think of now is to let her know that even
after 9 years, she is still very much missed every single day by
the whole family.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i woudn't say that grandma came back t visit but she has let us
know that she is and will always be with us no matter where we are.
my mother was raised by my great grandmother and therefore close
to her as a mother figure. my mother was extremely impacted by
grandma's death. my mom was reading a bible passage one morning
and got up to do something...when she returned the bible was on a
different page completely and it was turned to my grandmother's
favorite passage. i remember my mom telling me about this when
it happened and that happened to be a particularly difficult day
for my mom. it was grandma helping my mom get through the day.
another time on christmas eve, amazing grace was being played on
the organ. when my sister, who was sitting next to me, picked
up a hymnal, she saw that the hymnal was the one that had been
dedicated to my grandmaother. there was only one out of hundreds
of hymnals that had our grandmother's name in it. (amazing grace
was her favorite song). that was our first christmas without her.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
what is easist for those left behind should not be the deciding
factor. if you love someone, then you wish only what is best for
them no matter how difficult that is for us.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i believe that b/c i do think about death from time to time that
it has forced me to live my life day to day. i take nothing
for granted. i tellpeople who i love that i love then and that i
love them deeply. i forgive people quickly and do things in the
moment....i don't leave things left unsaid and i don't leave mad.
i don't take it for granted that tomorrow will come. i invest in
the people of my life and not the things in life.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me sad again. most of the time when i thin of my
grandmother, i am including her in my life. i'm not usually thinking
of her death.
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Fri Mar 31 21:52:16 2000
M49 in , Queensland =Australia=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 12yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Emphasema; Aged: 54.
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--Death Is:
a rebirth of the spirit. A sloghing off of a form and moving on.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was extremely angry.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...onboard HMA Ship that was shot up by US jet
fighters off Vietnam
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my father saying that he had to be strong for everyone.
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that is can be a celebration and not some sort of sad debilitating
event.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
physically abusing a USAF officer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
support of my wife
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
someone to refer to when confronted with life's problems.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
exactly that - be there.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
maintained my dignity
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it actually happened.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there at Mum's bedside much more often.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Dad brushed mum's hair and said that she always liked that.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
No
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Not at all. It was their time to go.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
no
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
had a drink.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
thanks.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
something for Dad.
--Religious Affiliation:
Anglican
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
about right.
--Regarding MONEY:
nil
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Meditate on the person - if you want to contact them - do so.
Some people call it prayer - some don't. If I have a problem I can
talk to my mum just by being somewhere quiet and closing my eyes.
Sometimes I can hear her in my head giving me advice.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It should be clena and quick. I have no wish to hang about and
cause pain and grief to others. No resuscitation - pull the plug.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Alcohol
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Could be rather air fariy to me.
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Thu Mar 30 18:18:42 2000
M28 in Philadelphia, PA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Physician
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 14 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Natural Causes; Aged: 91.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
For most humans, Death is the end of our physical existence in
this world. Though the body might still exist, the consciousness
which once animated it no longer does so. Some believe true
Death is only when the personality is irretrievably destroyed.
Others believe there is no true Death, but that consciousness
continues in another life in a place different from this world.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I wasn't particularily bothered by death the first time. I strongly
believed that there was a better, everlasting life waiting after
this one.
--That first time, how it happened was
A teacher I knew fairly well was murdered. They told us she had
died the day after she was found, then I learned details a few days
later from gossip.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I remember how upset everyone else was. I felt regret that I seemed
unable to relieve their pain with word or deed.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to eradicate Death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I suppose seeing my Grandfather so honored by the Freemasons
at his funeral. It was a part of his life I never knew about.
I only wish I could have learned of it another way.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My personal philosophies and worldview. I believe firmly in
the value of life. In my early years, I was certain there was a
benevolent deity that would ensure our continued lives in a much
better fashion for all eternity. Over the past few years, I have
come to question that certainty, but I believe that is the way it
should be, whether or not it is now. Thus I have become a seeker.
I want to know there is an afterlife, and if there is not, then
one should be created. I don't know if I will succeed in finding
the answers to my search, but I believe it to be the best way to
live, and I have hope that if enough of us keep searching for the
answers over the boundless eons, then eventually we will discover
in truth the afterlife, even if we must first create it to do so.
We shall remember the Dead, and they shall Live again!
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The pain that it seemed to cause others.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I wasn't confused.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I do wish that my Great Grandmother and Grandfather could have been
there for my wedding, for the birth of my children, for my whole
life after their deaths.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Little to nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am a worshipper of Good. I seek the eternal well-being of all
people (including myself). In the past, I was non-denominational
Christian. Who knows? Someday I may be again.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a commonality we can all relate to. The end of our lives and
those we love is an experience universal to all people.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How down everyone was. The people who were normally so vivacious
and alive were subdued by the solemnity of the event.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
All my issues were resolved. I think all our affairs were in order
before death.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think people get lost in the details. The questions should really
be, at this ending time what goals does the dying person have?
How do they want to live these final days. And then every reasonable
effort should go into making those goals which are attainable happen.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have given a great deal of thought to my own mortality. If I had
foreknowledge of my impending death, but still had the opportunity,
I would sign up for cryonics. At this stage in my life the costs
outweigh the risk of forestalling, but with my death imminent,
that changes. I would also try to record as much of my thoughts,
feelings, and advice for my child, and the future generations of
my family. I would have my words reach from beyond the grave to
those new generations. If that went well, then I would enjoy life
to its fullest. Of course, I still likely would try to avoid
my death, on the off chance that your crystal ball is a liar.
But in the very end, I can only hope that there is someone out
there benevolent enough and powerful enough to prevent this death
from being my true ending. But if all fails, at least I have lived.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was okay. Nothing new really came up. I do think that the
questionaire is a bit overly long.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
What were your last memories of those who have died? For me I
think of my Great-grandmother, whose last words were, "Don't forget
me. Remember me." I still do. I also think of my Grandfather, who
when we last met while he was in good health had such a wonderful,
special time together, and whose picture I took and shall always
cherish. I also remember him on the ventilator, struggling to find
strength to acknowledge he knew we were at his side, and succeeded.
I was quite proud of him that last day.
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Thu Mar 30 16:34:47 2000
F18 in Parkville, MN =55768=
Name: Kat
Email: <k.kate=at=usa.net>
Web: http://WWW.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/vine/8672
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
under yahoo
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Prof/Studies: kennel attendant
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 2 yrs. ago.
Cause of Death: Murder; Aged: 16.11.
--Details:
I haven't gotten over it yet. We had been friends forever and
everything was messed up that night he died. I don't get it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of physical life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Didn't realize that it happened really.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my grandpa. He was old and just sort of died. I wasn't
involved really. I was 3. Too young to get it. I only remember one
night I just started to cry for no reason.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The funeral. I didn't cry before then. After that I cried every
day. I wouldn't set foot in a cemetary causing me to have to forgo
a class project.
--What I think my (55768) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That grieving takes its own time. There is no set timage on it and
nobody understands what it is like.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I got published because of the whole ordeal.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My shrink and my religion (paganism).
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Getting rid of flashbacks.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Pushed through his death and many more and I came out looking ok
and somewhat stable.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The funeral/ wake.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was a really funny joke that I laughed at.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Stop the whole thing from happening.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Visit his grave.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I saw the same lighter on his grave that I had imn my car.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The friendships of others.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear certain songs or when I have to write for my magazine.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think that it wouldn't be all that great because it would be too
perfect. Neither of us would be the same.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the killer had an excuse for stabbing him because he was
drunk. That's ridiculous.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
It doesn't get too bad anymore.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Lost it. I sobbed for 3 days straight and couldn't deal with the
first day of school the next day.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Contentment.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
My religion (paganism) meant a lot to me because it gave me something
to cling to.
--Religious Affiliation:
Paganism
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
wrong
--Regarding MONEY:
we all chipped in to help his family.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
All my friends grew up.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Remembering the life.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
n/a
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
It has been strange. I don't know if I fully comprehend the
question but I think you mean being visited in dreams and such by
the dead person.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
When I overdosed in December. I couldn't stay awake and in my dreams
I saw myself with all my friends.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think it's all good.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Yes. He told me to be strong.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My friends offer me advice when I get in a pickle. After my gramma
died a package to me a week later addressed from her. It was a
teddy bear that I still have today. It's in great condition.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want my wishes to be carried out I know I can depend on my lover
to do it for me.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I know I'll die and I don't fear because I know there are good
people looking out for me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Wrote a letter to the person and burnt on their grave.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I became more positive.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
sure I have. But I tend to pull away more actually.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
I don't really remember the whole thing.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I couldn't deal with helping others at that time.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I liked it. Brought back some repressed memories though. i had
undergone hypnosis to forget them. I thought it was purifing.
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Thu Mar 30 11:10:33 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 4 ago.
Cause of Death: drowning; Aged: 16.
--Details:
It was a school friend. I went to highschool and we sometimes hung
around in the same crowd. It changed our whole class and there was
alot of us. We were all pretty tight which is unusual being we live
in a fairly large town. We used to win all the rallys and have a
large amount of teen spirit, but when he died it changed all of our
attitudes. I guess our school authorities should have recognized
the change, but they didn't offer us any counciling or anything.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A way of passing on to another place, more peacefull. You are no
longer here on earth. Your body and soul are no longer connected.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a small child. I remember clearly the day she died it was Friday
the 13th, that scared me and I was superstitious of that day for
quite a while.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was my step great grandmother who I was
slightly close to. She died, I belive of old age.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Being able to make my peace with the person who was dying. I was
able to say goodbye, I saw him in pain and to know he would be at
ease made it not easier but I was able to cope a little better. We
all knew he was dying of cancer, so we all bound together. It was
a strong moment for our family.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It happens to us all, it is not in our hands. We cannot prevent it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Hearing my great-grandfather whom I was very close to, tell me I was
beautiful and that he loved me at his bedside in the hospital. I had
been holding his hand almost the whole day while relatives visited
and he said it so out of the blue. I felt this calming come over
me. He died two days later on Easter Sunday.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Music, always. It helps to have someone there to talk to so friends
are great to have around, someone with no direct feelings to the
situation. So I do not have to deal with being co dependent.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Losing someone who is young and not having any way to cope.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just hold there hand.
--[My Great GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
communicated with him, loved him and held his hand.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Watching the pain. They put him on a lot of morphine and took him
off the machines. I didn't understand why no one told him what
was happening.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was coming to terms with what was happening, acceptance.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell my friend Alex I thought he was cute and sweet.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I am never thankful for death.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Holding their hand.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried, for months. I still go my friends gravesite often even
though I do not live nearby. It is a way of finding peace, ending
conversations we never got to finish.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
I was really young and didn't fully understand.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Wed Mar 29 19:23:29 2000
F48 in , Ma =US=
Email: <cam9753abe=at=mediaone.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: RN
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Kubla-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, yrs ago.
Cause of Death: kidney stones; Aged: 80.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
ceasing to exist
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried 30 days later
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...grandmother
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
wakes are cruel
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
made me appreciate those of us who still lived
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
no one
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling of isolation
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be there whether they know it or not
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I still dont know why
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
survive
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my Mom remembers
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she left us
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
drink
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disapointment
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
Jewish/past
--Regarding MONEY:
caused a rift between family members
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my Mothers grief
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The emotion released when the Rabbi sang the kaddish
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
labored respirations
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I stayed angry for a long time
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
a higher power than myself
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
medical proxy
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope to die painfree and 100
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
time only
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
someone to comfort me
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
cold
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Wed Mar 29 12:09:08 2000
F21 in Stellenbosch, =South Africa=
Web: http://WWW.angelbread.homepage.com
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
I searched for "Contests" at Yahoo.
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Prof/Studies: Student (Bachelor Arts)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 1 year ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 15/16.
--Details:
He died at home while I was away at university (I only go home on
weekends). My mother told me. Apparently one moment he was still
alive, a few minutes later when she looked into his kennel he was
just dead. Well, that sounds obvious, but he didn't lie howling
or something.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When we stop functioning. All our body parts stop and we become
inactive, unable to do anything, unable even to think.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 6 years old. It was a great shock when my mother told me of my
grandfather's death. When I got home I fell on my bed and cried.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather passed away. It hurt, I was schocked when my mother
told me, I cried on my bed. I was 6 years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how relieved I felt. I knew for a long time that he was going to
die and I feared the moment. When it was all over, I was so relieved.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The believe in an afterlife (for people).
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That it was so sudden, I didn't have time to say goodbye.
--[My acquaintance's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
regret not getting time to know him better and talk to him about
his soul.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Afterwards, the unrealness of thinking that the person is now
"somewhere else".
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to Derek about his soul.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
get some things over, go back in time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt a strange emptiness.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the support of Christian friends.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian (Protestant, Baptist)
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My mother once lay on her bed and she was tired to death...she felt
as if she was just "letting go" of something...suddenly she felt
herself in a tunnel of some kind and she went faster and faster
with the "wind" sweeping past her. She thought hey, let's see where
this goes. Then she got scared and tried to pull herself back. With
an enourmous struggle (like when trying to move in your sleep) she
pulled herself back. A friend told her that if she didn't do that,
"the cord might have snapped".
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
The last time my mom saw my grandfather they had an argument and whe
left him without having resolved it. The next thing she heard he was
dead. She always had this feeling of guilt, until one birthday. On
her birthday my grandfather would always phone her and start singing
happy birthday. Now on the morning of one birthday after his death
she had an incredibly vivid dream. She dreamed that the phone rang
and she awoke and picked up the receiver and there clear, clear,
was my grandfather's voice singing happy birthday. She still
believes that God gave her that dream to show her that everything
is alright between her and my grandfather. After that dream, she
had more peace about his death.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think life and the whole concept of our little existence here on
earth is pretty weird. The whole thing is too metaphysical for me,
just thinking about it drives me crazy.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I went to my dog's little grave and talked to him.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I can't remember.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
I can't remember.
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Wed Mar 29 07:07:10 2000
F19 in , =United States of America=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: psychology and religion
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 10 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: a stroke; Aged: 65.
--Details:
she seemed to die peacefully, almost as if she was getting up to
feed her dog, and then it hit, and she just sat back down and died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a temporary ending to life here on earth, but for those who are
saved, the beginning to a blissful life of eternity with the Lord.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was really too young to comprehend much of what was going on,
until years later, and then i realized the impact that it had upon
me and my family.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was my mother's father died from lung cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
seeing my father cry for the first time...and how red his eyes
were...
--What I think my (United States of America) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that sometimes it really is a blessing to some people, especially
those who are suffering terribly, to move onto the beyond...
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
maybe it brought the family closer together and that i had my first
experience with death early on in my life, so that other deaths
that occurred later would be easier for me to understand...
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
honestly, i really didnt need much support...i was so young...i
barely remember how i felt after the death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
how my parents suffered...and how they still today will get teary
over the occurrence.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
sit with them...let them know that you are there and that you will
support them no matter what. watch after them and make sure that
they are as comfortable as possible...and let them go when they
are ready.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
coped with the situation and moved on.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
immediately after his death, and all the fuss and uproar about it.
this was the first death that i had ever experienced and it really
wasnt explained to me very well. no one had much time to explain
to me what death was specifically, so i just had to listen and
watch and learn.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
sometimes the stress gets so heavy, and it boils just underneath
the surface and if you dont find some way to vent it, to release it,
then it'll explode and you'll find yourself trapped...going insane...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
help my mother out more. i was so young then that there wasnt
much that i could do for her but basically behave myself. i wish
i could have supported her, helped her with the responsibilities
and her broken heart.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
listen to the things that momma had to say later, and understand
that she just needed to remember every once in a while and that
she needed to cry...
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandfather never complained about the pain he was feeling,
although i know it must have been massive, especially when the
cancer spread to other parts of his body.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
how much people think they matter in a person's life when they
just show up towards the end, having not been around before, to
"pay respects" for their own selfish reasons.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think about the lost opportunities...that my grandfather was a
wise man and that i could have learned so much from him, had i not
been so young when he died.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
the family would not have digressed as much as it has.
my grandfather kept things together. there wouldnt be the hate,
and the rage, and even the incest and pain...they would all be in
line...they would all pay if he were alive.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that people die, period. sometimes it is a necessity, and there
is only so much that humans can do to alleviate pain...and a person
just needs release, they just need to go home...
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see things in a different light, from a different perspective.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wondered about how very little had changed, except for the fact that
at night i could hear my mother crying loudly behind the bedroom
door, and wanting to do anything i could to help her feel better.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
relative satisfaction...i know that there is only so much that
human doctors can do...and i appreciated them making grandpa as
comfortable as they could...
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they really werent involved too much, but what they did was
sufficient. they were professionally caring and efficient...they
showed us to be more self-reliant and to take care of him ourselves
in the immediate days before his death.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
everything. my grandfather was saved not three weeks before he
passed on. it was a blessing and a miracle to us all...we are
thankful.
--Religious Affiliation:
independent Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
to me it does matter what faith is practiced. but yes, regardless
of practiced religion, when we die we will all make a journey...to
heaven or to hell.
--Regarding MONEY:
there were ten brother and sisters...and all but three or four are
worth anything...but out of obligation the funeral services etc,
were equally taken care of.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
people have such a strong sense of moral obligation during and after
death, even if they really didnt know the person or family well...
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how time just seemed to slow down at times, especially during the
whole process of dying...but then sped up tremendously after his
death and during the funeral and mourning process.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a change in a person's personality completely, with cancer, a loss
of appetite which ultimately meant massive weight loss, a waxy
sickly pale gray-white-green color, laboring torturous breathing,
loss of any independence of the person, diapers and sponge baths,
half closed eyes against hurtful light, a whispering voice where
once the voice boomed healthily, a sickness to the stomach, just
a pain that reflects in their eyes whether they verbalize it or not.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would just want to know if he were happy and if he had any idea
of the state of affairs of his family. if he knew how things have
just gone to hell since he died and how i should cope with that...
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my cousin stayed at my grandfather's house during his illness...she
said she saw him get up and walk to the bathroom on his own...this
should not have been possible, for he could no longer walk on
his own...she went to his bedroom while he was supposedly in the
bathroom and there he lay...after he died she got up in the middle
of the night and saw him drift from one end of the house to the
other...and he disappeared in my mother's bedroom...
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
the dying have the right to ultimately decide their fate...they are
suffering...they are in control of their choices of life and death,
it's their choice.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
many people say that they dont fear death...that remains to be
seen...but i believe that people are afraid of not living...i know
my soul is secure...but i want to live with my loved ones and raise
a family before leaving this earth...
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
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Tue Mar 28 19:15:19 2000
F20 in St. Louis, MO =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
Prof/Studies: physical therapy
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 16yrs.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the ending of a life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried, went to the funeral, cried some more, and became closer with
those around me who knew her too.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...there was a car accident and my friend Amy
was driving way too fast around a curve on a back road. She wasnt
wearing a seatbelt and was thrown through the front passenger window
and broke her neck. The car then flipped off of an enbankment and
landed on top of her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
seeing how many people were affected by a single death. I think
the think that hit hardest was how young she was and that we had
all seen her an hour before the accident laughing in the halls of
the school we went to.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how easily that it can come at any moment.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the outpouring of support that her friends and family received from
the community and the school.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
stories that were shared between her friends after her
death. Remembering her for the wonderful person that she was when
she was still alive.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing everyone else trying to deal with what happened, especially
her closest friends and family.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i first heard about how she died. I couldnt believe that if there
was a God that he would let such a beautiful girl die when she was
just getting started in life.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get to know her better when she was alive.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know her while she was alive.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i look at her smiling face in a picture on my desk.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she died so young...or at all for that matter.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Medical community was not involved.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
an opiate of the masses that served as a fake and imaginary crutch
to deal with insecurities about death.
--Religious Affiliation:
agnostic now/christian in past
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the number of people there.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
going to the pizza place where she worked and her not giving us
free breadsticks.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
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Tue Mar 28 14:58:51 2000
F16 in, Maryland =United States=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, less than one yr ago.
Cause of Death: gastointestinal cancer; Aged: 80.
--Details:
It was a long, painful process that began about nine months before
she died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the point at which all of a person's bodily processes cease and
that person no longer exists as a active member of society. Death
is the end of all pain and suffering for the person who has died,
and only the beginning of pain for those who are left behind.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...It was a relative and he died of complications
from a stroke.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I played two piano pieces at the funeral and I cried extremely
hard afterwards.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that Death is not a horrible, evil event.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I learned that comfort can be found in the most unlikely places
or people; all you have to do is let it come to you and not search
it out.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I do not know.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the viewing of the bodies. That seemed to make the whole Death
more real.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Do not feel like you need to say everything to that person all at
once. If you are really that close to him/her, then he/she will know
what you want him/her to know. You should not try to fix everything
that is wrong with your relationship simply out of a need to not
feel guilty after that person dies.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I do not know.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did not laugh then.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
go driving with my grandmothers and grandfather.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend as much time as I did spend with them.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I do not know.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the viewing. It is not so much that I feel it does not matter, it is
more of a personal dislike for viewings. I know full well that many
people need to see the deceased one last time to achieve a sense of
"closure," but the viewing does not do that for me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that these people had to suffer for such a long period of time
before they died.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
cynicism.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very close. The persons at the hospice were very supportive.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I do not know.
--Religious Affiliation:
United Methodist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I do not know.
--Regarding MONEY:
not applicable
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I do not remember.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the chilling of the extremities and a chang in the person's
breathing pattern.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My grandmother did reach her hand up and point to the corner of her
room in the hospice once. There was nothing there that we could see.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Well, my own death. Yes, I know that I will die. I envision it as
a possibly physically painful process, yet my mind will be intact
until the very end. If I knew that I would die soon, I would like
to live in the countryside, and just be surrounded by nature and
not technology. I think that I would accept the fact that I would
die soon.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was the first time that I expressed these ides somewhere other
than in my head.
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Tue Mar 28 08:53:26 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my very own little sister. She came into the world when
I was 7 years old. Before that, I had always been the youngest
child. Unlike most other kids my age, I loved having a little
sister. It was great to always have someone look up to you or to be
someone's role model. She was only 3 years old when she left this
world. She got very sick all of a sudden and no one knew how. Her
lungs collapsed, but she died peacefully in a hospital. She didn't
experience any pain. She was one of the best things that ever
happened to me. Even though it hurt so very much to lose her, I
was so very lucky to even have had that short time with her. If God
would have asked me to choose whether I wanted a little sister to
come into my life, knowing that she would pass away after a short
3 years, I still would have wanted her there. I learned alot from
that experiene and it made me a stronger person.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
The pain won't go away...I'll always miss her, but time is the one
thing that helps. As time passed by, I learned to accept it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
Going on with my life without her in it...
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Sun Mar 26 23:22:21 2000
F15 in bradley beach, nj =usa=
Name: emg
Email: <obiyo=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 60-64.
--Details:
the cancer started in his esophogus & spread of course. he had been
a pipe smoker earlier on.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the ending of a journey & the beginning of another.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was nine years old. i cried because that's what they did on tv. which
turned into genuine grief eventually.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was my pop-pop, my best friend, my
grandfather, my favorite person. i have always associated the death
with the end of my childhood. he died of cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
hearing the grandfather clock in the funeral home chiming the
hour. the continuity of time despite the end of one life.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that to mourn it is purely selfish, and we should be happy for
those who have passed on.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that no matter how much you hate to admit it, these things do make
you stronger whether you like it or not.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i don't know. nothing. when you're nine people assume you don't
understand death or how to grieve it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that i was never properly consoled or reassured. i received a
pamphlet from the funeral home entitled "a child's questions about
death", and that was about all.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
teach them about Jesus if they don't already know Him.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
nobody would tell me straight out that he was going to die of
the cancer.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
this did not happen to me in my grandfather's death, but did happen
every time after i heard about someone's death. i think it's just
shock and denial which makes some people laugh. or like your mind is
saying..ok i've done this before, lets go again...come on!! come on!!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have visited and hugged him more often while he was sick. the thin
frame and sickly face scared me away a bit.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
well...nobody really thinks about where this person is going..all
they think about is the fact that they are gone from earth and that
is kind of annoying.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
i guess material posessions left behind. pop-pop had left me a few
things..a baseball card book, a snowglobe..but the most treasured
thing was a letter he had written me a year before he died at
christmastime...at the time i probably hadn't understood it. but
now that he is gone it means so much more...it speaks of when i
become a teenager & an adult and so on...
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i don't know. i often get teary when i think of him. but the big
cry is over now and i know he is in heaven. everything else is just
earthly wants and such.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
ah, to go back to age 4 would be heaven. i like to remember those
days, but the dreaming i do is strictly talking to him, making up
pretend(?) conversations in which he reassures me that Jesus will
protect me & listen to my prayers..
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
of course it's not fair!! nothing is fair in our eyes because we
are only human. we can't see the big picture.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
revert completely into my own world and be with him if only in a
twisted dream. suicide doesn't do any good which i realize now.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried very violently for a long time. it was about five years after.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
respect i suppose. during the time, i was angry at the doctors for
not 'fixing' him and taking the cancer out. but of course i didn't
understand such things then.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
i remember going into the children's play room and seeing the little
sick children, and wandering around the halls. i remember pop-pops
nurse was nice, that's all.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
at the time, religion was a chore. but pop-pop was a religious man,
he was very involved in the church. he coached the boys basketball
team i think, and some other things.
--Religious Affiliation:
until poppop left i had been brought up catholic, but then i wanted
sunday school, so we switched to a methodist church. presently i
am a believer of the christian religion in general, but not much
of a practitioner.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
uncertain. i am not set in my beliefs of heaven and hell yet,
and still ponder different sorts of the afterlife.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i guess the displacement from reality. or maybe just lack of the
understanding of death. because i remember making prank calls with
my cousin on the payphone in the bathroom area for most of the wake.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
hmm..weirdest? at the time i thought it was really weird that his
body was in that coffin there, all dead and shrivled. i pictured
him in his sweatpants and sweatshirt as he had been while sick,
lying stiff with arms at his sides and shoulders hunched up,and
his tongue hanging out.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i wasn't around much while he was sick.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i have often ached for a vision or spirit to return and just
tell me everything is all right. and who knows, maybe my pretend
conversations with pop-pop were not pretend at all.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i don't want any crazy grief counseling. pop pop is my secret,
my guardian angel, my pop pop. i don't want to completely recover
from his death. besides, there is a transition point in every
person's life when their childhood ends. it's nothing i should
dwell on forever.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
:) it's good to talk to them. warm feeling.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
well, i've kind of already described it...it's kind of like a day
dream trance-like thing. i hear his voice in my one ear and my own
voice in the other..and a warm feeling all over.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i used to worry alot about this, and still do sometimes..mostly
because i am not a saved christian and am not sure where i would go
should i die. death doesn't make me so uneasy because i know it is
not the end. i don't know what else. this survey is very long. you
are kind of repeating yourselves.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
um..i often look of pictures of him...i have some framed ones which
i kiss often, i play jazz for him in case he is listening..i try
to be a good person and to make him proud.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
pretty much what i just talked about...i also feel extremely guilty
whenever i have wicked thoughts or curse or do badly in school. i
feel i'm letting him down and with each sin i am farth and farther
away from him and that warm feeling.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no, i was nine. i didn't grieve as much. and when i finally did
grieve when i was fourteen, everyone else was 'done'.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
i talk to him in my head sometimes when i am lonely or upset.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
it just wasn't fair. he was such a nice man to everyone, everyone
loved him. he was too young.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
thanks. it helped get a lot of things down on 'paper'. almost like
a therapy session.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
a couple of the questions sounded slightly repetetive. that's all.
Enhancements: no
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Sun Mar 26 20:04:37 2000
F29 in toronto, ontario =canada=
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Prof/Studies: social worker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
beleive that we need to tell the people closest to us how much we
value them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
After the funeral when I was trying to get back to my regular
life. I had difficulty trying to put the pieces back together when
a big piece was gone.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It was the need to release the stress and sadness. I recall sitting
and talking with my brother the days before the funeral and we
would laugh and make jokes. It helped us deal with the sadness of
this situation.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish that I ahd told my fahter how much I loved and admired
him. I didn't do it that last time I saw him , beleiving that I
would get another chance. But that chance never came and I never
got to tell him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see my father just before he died. i am thankful that my father
got to see his children settled and happy. I had beome engaged the
weekend before he died and I am happy that he was able to share in
the joy of that time.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I find myself crying at odd moments (including now). If I pass
a place that has a memory of my father connected to it, or the
cemetary where he's buried, or little things that remind me of him
tend to make me cry. It is oout of sadness partly but it is also
the happiness of having known my father.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I can't seem to do that. I can't imagine what my life would be like
had my father not died. I feel that from taht experience I gained a
great deal of personal strength and knowledge about myself. While I
would not go through it again if given the chance to go back (which
is impossible) I feel that out of it I have gained a great deal.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
for a long time I was angry about the injustice of my father dying
but I came to realize that it was not a punishment. I also thought
about the unfairness of how this affected my life - I wanted to get
back to living my life but the grief was not letting me. I had lots
of struggles over the fairness of death.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
zap myself into the future so taht the experience would be behind
me and I would have gotten over it.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
came to the realization that for the rest of my life my father would
be gone. it was a very difficult time for me. I was angry and I
questioned why it had to happen to my dad but I eventually came to
realize that it was something that happens - there is no logic to it.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
At first I was angry at the doctors for not catching it in time,
for giving him the wrong treatment, but I came to realize that they
did all they could but the disease was too advanced.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Dad died in a hospital.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
My father was a minister so religion was extremely important. I
blamed God at first and was very angry with him but then I came to
understand this is not God's choice.
--Religious Affiliation:
Protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I believe that a person's spirit lives on and that is what the true
essence of a person is. They body withers and dies but the spirit
transcends the physical body and is with us always.
--Regarding MONEY:
Money was not a significant issue. My father left my mother with
all she needed.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
For me it was the public display. It was very hard for me to be so
public about my grief but it was equally hard not to be overwhelmed
by it.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
For me, as I had just gotten engaged a week prior to my
father's death, it was the way people who had just heard would be
expressing their sympathies one minute and congratulating me on my
engagement. It was a very bizarre situation.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
We all grieve at our own pace and in our own way. there is no
right or wrong way to grieve as long as we are honest about what
we are feeling.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I beleive that we resolved our issues, but I never told him how much
I loved and admired him and for me this is my greatest regret. I
have "spoken" with my father since his death in order to tell him
these things. I have written letters to him to tell him but it
never really seems to be enough....
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would tell him how much I love and admire him. I think if it were
possible to do this I would be a happier person with one less thing
to feel guilty about.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have had dreams in whihc my father has been present and for me they
have been helpful and comforting. It is as if he is "checking in"
with me. I also feel that my father watches over me and protects
me which also is a comfort.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have always beleived that death cannot touch me but My father's
death changed all that and I have become much more aware of my own
mortality and just how precious life is.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote in my journal religiously. It was my way of sorting through
my thoughts and feelings. Also looking through photos and souvenirs
of my father helped.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
My views on the world have changed since my father's death and that
has continued.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My relationship with my brother went through a very profound and
positive change since my father's death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Someone to talk to me about my dad. People tend to shy away from
discussing death and that is very ahrd for those who really need
to talk about it.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This has been a very interesting endeavour for me. i have found it
helpful to put some of these thoughts down for someone else to read.
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Sun Mar 26 19:26:59 2000
F39 in Grove City, MN =USA=
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Prof/Studies: Health Information Coding/Medical Transcription
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 7 weeks ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 33.
--Details:
She was my brother's wife and my friend. She left behind three
children, a girl - age 7, and two boys, age 5 and 4. She had
been diagnosed with breast cancer three years before her death.
She fought her disease that entire time.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The stopping of the physical body and its systems and functions.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very detached and not able to comprehend it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being there and knowing that she had been told she would notlive,
and not having the words to talk with her about that, the feeling
that she could not accept this news. I gave her a pen to fill out
her hospital menu for the next day and making some lame joke that
was a good sign - that they hospital staff thought she'd still
be here tomorrow. It was a surreal experience. The pain of that
moment wil always be with me. I remember saying when I left, "see
you in the morning" and she said back "yeah, see you in the morning".
I never saw her again. She died two days later, while I was with
my father who was very ill at another hospital about 90 miles away.
Her body was cremated.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That the loss of a person creates a huge void in the their loved
ones existence. Yes all people will die, and death is to be expected
but that no death is easy, just because a person lived a long time
or was suffering, that it is "a blessing".
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I knew her, that she was part of my life, and the realization
that I could love her selflessly.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Her oncology nurse. She is also my co-worker as I am employed at
the hospital where my friend died and where she received much of
her care. She knew the situation and was very open and honest
with me about what what happening, what to expect, as well as
emotional support.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
It was the feeling that I had no right to grieve for her. That the
grief of others was more valid than my own.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Know when to back off. Nancy didn't want anyone there. She didn't
want her friend and family to watch her die.
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to talk to her about her illness, not in a "oh, poor you"
way, but on a matter of fact basis, knowing what was going on with
her and not avoiding the subject or making her feeling like she
was the object of someone's pity.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
in the last days, I could have accepted that she was dying if I
had known what to expect physically.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
My brother said that on the day she died, her friend, Tori, came
to see her. As she was leaving, she looked at my brother and said,
"Have her call me if she feels up to it later". ...clueless
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to her about the Gospel of Jesus Christ and offer him to her.
I was too scared she would reject that from me. I have a heaviness
in my heart because I don't know if she recieved the gift of
salvation.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be able to help her husband, my brother, with physical needs,
such as finding clothing for the funeral etc.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
it seems like everyone else around has just gone about their usual
business, holding their petty grudges and continuing their stupid
habits and seem to regard her passing as being merely "too bad".
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think I wouldn't be feeling so guilty about being alive and yet
so unhappy with my own life, when all she wanted to do was get
well and get on with her life. I would probably still be feeling
justified in my discontent.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that death would come so early for someone so young and beautiful
and full of the joy for living, someone so good and so pure.
...that there are tons of scummy individuals who don't care about
themselves or others that live to a ripe old age.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt angry that she couldn't be here to do the things that belong
to a mother of young children, such as her daughter's 8th birthday
party, taking care of her 5 year old when he was throwing up at
preschool and realizing that her 4 year old really didn't need more
than a few days to not remember her any more.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they are pompous asses who screwed up very early in her care and
should be horse whipped for her death. She was misdiagnosed by two
pathology labs, and her breast cancer was treated with the wrong
agents for over a year and a half and that it didn't need to be.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
There was no hospice in this case. She cared for her self and her
family up until the morning she entered the hospital.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
my faith means a lot to me. I was very disappointed in the church
and the clergy where she attended.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian - Evangelical Free. Former member of Methodist and
Lutheran (early life, confirmed in Lutheran) churches.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
stupid. There is only one spirit, the Holy Spirit.
--Regarding MONEY:
my brother took care of it, didn't seem too concerned about expense,
etc.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the clergy was very impersonal, the service was very impersonal,
there was not much opportunity to visit with other mourners, it was
over very quickly. There was little comfort in the whole experience.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How no one talks about it. It is finished.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
If I could talk to her one last time I would tell her I loved her.
I never did. I would tell that I would watch out for her children
and pray for them. I would tell her about Jesus.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
nope, she's never visited. Although, the night a coworker
died in a motorcycle crash, I awoke in the middle of the night,
felt like she was right there by my bed, and said goodbye to her.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I will die an old woman, all alone, like my grandmother. I probably
won't know anyone and no one will care.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I prayed for her and her family
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat Mar 25 17:23:30 2000
F35 in , Michigan =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Teacher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 15 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 28.
--Details:
He died at the home of his in-laws which he was living with at
the time. His young sons were present and watched the mortician
come and "bag" the body. I was 21 at the time.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of our life. Our bodies stop working and shut down
permantently.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was 5 and my uncle died.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My uncle died. I was very close to him.
He was visiting me one day and I had to leave to go to Kindergarten.
I made him promise to stay until I got back. He did but had a
heart attack on his drive home.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
That I didn't tell my brother how much he meant to me and our family
before he died.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it should not be a hidden thing and that open displays of grief
are normal and healthy. One should cry at funerals, it's normal!
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Taking care of my brother's children in order to help their mother
deal with her own issues of grief. I found joy in watching my
brother live on through his children.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching my brother's illness consume him a little piece at a time.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell my brother that I loved him and would miss him.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The funeral event.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about his nearly grown sons who never knew the man who was
their father.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My nephews would've had a father.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
He was so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk to my brother.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
don't think one ever fully acknowledges a death. At family
gatherings it always feels as though someone is missing. Someone is.
--Religious Affiliation:
Mormonism
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
The day of my brother's funeral the phone rang. When my mother
picked up the phone, there was a lot of static on the line and
a faint, far away voice repeating over and over "How are you?",
"How are you?" My mother eventually hung up but no one ever called
back or confessed to this phone call.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
I was not allowed to go to his funeral to say "goodbye".
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Mar 22 08:15:25 2000
M33 in Greensboro, North Carolina =United States=
Name: Aqteshna Ana (Dew on the Grass)
Email: <aqteshnaana=at=netscape.net>
Web: http://sites.netscape.net/aqteshnaana/homepage
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Typed Death and Bardo in the address line...
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Prof/Studies: Elder: The Nagila Tradition
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
American Book of the Dead, Tibetan book Living and Dying, The
Book of Coming Forth by Day, Handbook for the Recently Deceased,
Creative Victory, Opening the Dragon Gate, Dynamics of Time and Space
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
E. J. Gold, Sogyal Rinpoche, Choqyam Trungpa Rinpoche, Tarthang
Tulku, Tomas, Thomas Cleary
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Self (impending), 33 ago.
Cause of Death: Physician Malpractice; Aged: 0.
--Details:
It was my own death . . . stillborn (see above). I had little choice
but to deal with it and since I was a newborn I had no filters to
distort the experience.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is what you make of it. It is a single phase in an indefinite
process we call Life. The Faculty of Lucidity, latent in most if
not all, can be developed. To do so is to make the transition into
an indelible, conscious experience.
--That first time, how it happened was
You see, my parents had tried for ten years to conceive, after
which they gave up and started the adoption process. It was at
this time that my great-grandmother consented to prepare the way
by manipulating my mother energetically. Nine months later I was
stillborn. Heroic measures by the attending physicians (whose gross
malpractice had slain me in the birth canal) permitted me to take
my first inspiration a full six minutes from the time the cord had
been severed. I was dead in this world before I was ever born,
and I have reason to believe that I am alive in the next before
ever having died. These were my first lessons on the way: Life
is from the living. There are those who prepare the way. Heroic
measures cannot replace correct practice. We must sever the cords
that bind us. Dying to oneself precedes Inspiration. Death is a
worthy advisor!
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
See above. Death is a process. Die before you die and all will
be well with you.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
The experience of the SunDance helped in learning Bardo Technologies,
as did, of course, the experience of death itself. My father has
also been clinically dead several times.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? -none-
Death has always been my advisor since my Birth/death.
Enhancements: The labyrinth Readers Society
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Wed Mar 22 08:00:53 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 2yrs ago.
Cause of Death: natural causes; Aged: 7yrs.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Music
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Tue Mar 21 20:29:34 2000
M42 in Princeton, WV =USA=
Name: Jack Cole
Email: <cole_jack=at=hotmail.com>
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Web search "Hemlock Society".
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Prof/Studies: College Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, one week ago.
Cause of Death: natural causes; Aged: 76.
--Details:
She was in a home where she had to be cared for by others. She could
remember no none, from hour to hour. Her dieing was a release from
great suffering.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end, some believe. For others, it is a new beginning.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was not greatly affected. I was numb; I ended up wearing many of
my deceased Uncle's clothes. I was told by his Sister: "it is good
luck to wear a dead man's clothes."
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was an "Uncle" I knew well.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My Sisters were more upset about my Mother's death; I look at it
as being a good thing. She no longer suffers.that
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death is a natural thing. To be welcomed at the correct time,
same as birth is welcomed.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
was my belief system. We don't die, we are re-incarnated life
after life.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
visit my Mother before she died.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
was the person a Christian and was he/she "going to heaven?
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
being an outcast, a non-believer.
--Religious Affiliation:
Pagan.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I die, I am reborn, I live again.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
On Samhein (Halloween) we remember the dead, cry and mourn their
loss. Then we dry our eyes, and celebrate the new births. The Wheel
has turned; that is life.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Being a Pagan one soon learns that life and death are part of the
natural world, and learns to accept it as such.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Zoning Out
none
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
none
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
My feeling about death remains the same, but I did like that your
survey open enough that I could say whatever one was feeling.
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Tue Mar 21 15:25:36 2000
F39 in , Washington =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Customer Service
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Into the Light
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
don't remember author. It was about near death experiences
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: sudden heart attack; Aged: 75.
--Details:
Very sudden. I talked to him on Friday and he died in bed on Sunday.
The suddenness of it was the biggest shock. He didn't want a
funeral and wanted immediate cremation so there was no "closure"
for the family.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an entry into a new and exciting afterlife where everything is
beautiful and every person is wonderful & caring
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried for a long time. Wondered why God would take someone away
who I was close to
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my favorite Uncle died. He had been sick
for a long time. I was too young to visit him at the hospital
(rules were different then). I remember sitting in the waiting
room for my mom & dad to get done visiting. I went with them to
help make funeral arrangements. Very difficult. He died 25 years
ago and to this day whenever I hear "Rock of Ages" I think of him.
It was played at his funeral. I still stop by with flowers a couple
times a year.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Total & complete shock. I cried almost non-stop for at least
2 weeks.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not painful but merely a passage into another realm. I believe
my family will spend eternity together so the few years we have to
spend apart is really not very long.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my dad came to me in dream nd told me about heaven and that we'd
be together again. We both believe in heaven & God but were not
avid church-goers.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my best friends. My friend lost his mom 6 months before I lost my
dad so they have been very supportive. I think you need to get with
people who share your experience. People who have lost parents,
need to be with others who've lost parents. people who've lost
kids, need to be with other who've lost kids. Until you've lost
that particular relationship you can't really know what that other
person is going through
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing I wouldn't see them again for a while. We were building
our dream house (with my dad's help) when he passed. Just the fact
he won't be there to have that 1st cup of coffee with us is hrd.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
With time, it does get easier to go on. I'll never forget him and
I'm grateful for the time I did spend. I've told others, never
leave your loved ones without giving them hug. You never know
when it might be the last hug you get to give them.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it's ok. When my dad was still dead in his bedroom (waiting for
funeral pick up), my mom, my brother and I sat around downstairs
telling funny stories about him.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
give him that last hug & kiss and tell him how much I love him and
how glad I was that he was my dad.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Have a good support group of friends, family & co-workers
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My dad came to me in a dream to tell me that it was ok and not to
be sad anymore.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear the song "Rock of Ages"(for my uncle) When we finally move
into our house and my dad won't be there
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he didn't live long enough to see our dreams all come true
and that he never got to see his 1st great grandchild (she was 6
months along when dad died)
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just talk to him or communicate directly with him
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was grateful he was my dad and we were close while he was here
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
praying together and silently. No funeral, no memorial service
from a clergyman
--Religious Affiliation:
Non-Demoninational Christian
--Regarding MONEY:
I spend $100.00 on flowers. That was something I could never
justify before
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
No funeral. We elected to have a "Family Reunion" at my mom's
house and invited friends and family to come and share memories. We
didn't do anything official. Rather we got an autograph book and
asked those in attendence to remember something special and write
it down. We still get it out on holidays and write something down
(Like "miss you this Xmas dad, we love you")
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
enjoy today, don't worry about tomorrow because none of us know if
we have a tomorrow
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I was feeling down because I never got to say good-by. He came to me
in a dream, we hugged & he told me how wonderful heaven was and that
we'd all be together again. The strangest part of it all, was his
dog disappeared a week or so after he died (we thought she got hit by
a car). When I had this dream (2 weeks later), his dog was with him.
I thought that was pretty cool that his dog was able to join him.
The morning after my dream, the dog showed up on my mom's back porch.
Very sick, a broken leg and unable to walk. Mom lives in the country
down a 1/2 miles drive-way. The only way for that dog to get home
in her condition was for my dad to help her and I believe he did.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
After my dad's visit, I'm not worried at all. I'd sure like to
live another 50 years but if I only have 2 weeks or 2 years, that's
ok too. I'll just make the best of the time that I'm here
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I purchased a big white candle. I light it when I'm missing him.
We also keep it on the table for family holidays together. I feel
his spirit with us when the candle it lit
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
My best friend just let me cry until I was ready to talk. I started
to tell her & then she just held me and told me it ws "ok to cry".
I really needed that. I was trying to be strong for my kids &
my mom and I really needed a friend to let my stuff out on.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It of course brought back memories, but I hope it'll help someone
else
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Tue Mar 21 07:53:08 2000
F26 in huntsville, al =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: auditor, school-psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age/health problems; Aged: 74?.
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--Death Is:
is usually a very emotional time. humans will mourn extensively
over a lost loved one and feel they can't continue without them.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
went to the funeral and went back to school.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a kid got hit by a car crossing the road
at night.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my entire family was in the hospital room. everyone was crying and
he just died. i went back to work and went to the funeral (yes i
did cry). i was concerned for my grandma and aunts and uncles.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
people will live on in memories and pictures. it's ok to miss
someone but don't let it consume your life. they're dead. you're not.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it was a time i could be with my entire family.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my work was very understanding even though i'd just
transferred. actually i supported my family members more than they
supported me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing my family so sad.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just let them know how much you love them
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
?
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i wasn't
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let my grandpa hear that i loved him
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would try to visit more. and i would have stopped by the couple
of days before.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
?
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they really try to be understanding. they do a pretty good job.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
we knew he would go to a better place (heaven)
--Religious Affiliation:
current-episcopalian,past-church of god
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there were a lot of people.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
i didn't really get sad.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
wills, living wills etc
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i'm scared of dying myself. i don't want to die. i feel it would
be painful (physically) and would destroy my mom
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
it didn't bother me
nothing has. people die and life goes on.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i hope i didn't sound cold-hearted(i'm not) i think it's useful
for people to look at death in a new way. they can look at it more
analytically rather than emotionally. this may help them deal with
death better.
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Mon Mar 20 23:43:51 2000
F24 in woodhaven, mi =usa=
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Prof/Studies: student/waitress
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, yrs2 ago.
Cause of Death: accident; Aged: 7.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
waiting to find out what happens after we die. wondering if we'll see
our dead friends/relatives when we die. wondering if they can hear us
trying to talk to them now. wondering if dead relatives are content.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
i didn't understand that they weren't coming back. i thought it
was a temporary thing.
--That first time, how it happened was
How git happened was...grandpa who was raising me. i called him
dad . i was 5. he had a heart attack. it was his first one. he was
only 61.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
SHOCK!!!! headaches. not being able to sleep. knowing life
was changed forever. irrational fear in general and of dying
myself. knowing that life was going to suck for a while and just
accepting it.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
things do get better. death is the ultimate and final reality. from
a religious perspective, death is the final answer. it means that
you've completed the only real task, or test, of what god wanted
you to do. it is why we live, to have a good death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
before my grandma died, she appologized to me and cleared up many
uncomfortable things that had happened in the past. she left me with
a good feeling. and i think that she left feeling content that she
had done everything that she was supposed to.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
FAITH
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
denial. fear. deep sense of loss. disbelief. outrage. deep hitting
sense of reality that death is REAL and you can't plan for it. i
might not have a future and there's nothing i can do about it. sense
of giving in to fate.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
literally, "just be there". don't be uncomfortable. they know how
sick they are. even just sitting in the room quietly, holding their
hand, or reminiscing shows that they are not ALONE and that you
bekieve they will have a good afterlife.
--[My relative's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
i get the most acomplished under stress. i am most comfortable
relying on myself and i am comfortable taking control of siyuations
when no one else is comfortable or capable of doing so.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my grandpa died when i was five. no one explained to me that he
wasn't coming back. i didn;t know that death was final.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
this hAS never happened to me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
nothing, regrets are silly. if you really wanted to do something,
then you would. regrets are all about society's and religions
expectations.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have a deep, personal, unexpected, real, honest talk with my
grandma. start to get to know my cousin as a real person, not just a
bratty little kid. take him jet skiing. take him to taco bell. stick
up for him in front of his older cousins. starting to understand him.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i'm in my car, alone, and i remember when i learned abour their
death. that unbearable reality of when the words first (of his
death) left my mouth. how it HURT just to say that he was dead. i've
never before felt that kind of shocking slap in the face reality
in my life.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
honestly, my life wouldn't differ much. i just wouldn't have felt
that pain and realization.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he doesn't get to growup. that his, and his parents, plans and
exoectations don't get to be tryed and realized. that all of the
real things which one plans on and bases life around can be GONE,
not just different, but GONE.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
backed away because i was scared and intimidated. i tryed to get
on with my life. i couldn't handle dealing wiht hte reality because
it literally made me emotionally and physically sick.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did their best. they should be more honest when they don't
think someone is going to make it.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
knowing that the deceased and i would be okay. knowing that there
was a reason for this, that i would never underdstand it,and that
i was'nt supposed to.
--Religious Affiliation:
roman catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that life is a preparation for death. we'll understand it better
later.
--Regarding MONEY:
it was no longer important, or "real".
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
a sense that if only the whole proceedings could go on forever,
they (the deceaesed) was still with us.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
bad dreams. THE WHOLE SHOCK PROCESS.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
people trying to say goodbye in their own way, without coming right
out and saying the words.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
grief is necessary and even though it hurts, it helps.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i think that it our psyche trying to hold on.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
funeral arrangements/wishes. DNR
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i hope i'm ready when it happens.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
no matter what a mess you are right after the death, surround
yourself with people, even if you would not generally consider them
close to you. they WILL understand, and they WILL be helpful.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i am confident that i make good, reasonable, sound decisions
uner stress.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
took care of the other kids. exhausted myself doing whatever small
tasks were necessary. but that's okay, because i was in shock,
and shock gives you alot of energy.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
okay
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Mon Mar 20 17:46:03 2000
F24 in , Georgia =United States=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Student studying Sociology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 10yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 66.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
physically and mentally leaving the life of your body. No longer
being able to sustain life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 5 years old. My great grandmother died and I remember her,
but not too much about the funeral.
--That first time, how it happened was
I lost my grandfather in July of 1991. I was 15 years old and we
were close. He died of a massive heart attack.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I remember most vividly how real my grandfather looked in the casket.
He looked so much like himself. he didn't look dead and it was
very soothing.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
This culture needs to learn that everyone deals with death
differently and one way may not help another person heal in the
same way.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I knew that my grandfather was content with his death. He was
never afraid to die.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking with family and friends and sharing memories with my
grandmother.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The reality that they were not coming back and I didn't get to say
good bye.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
The person does not need to think that they have to go through the
experience alone.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I view life differently. I now know that death can happen to anyone.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
It was when I realized that he would not be back.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Well......I never laughed.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend one more day with him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Know who he was and he was able to know who I was.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I put flowers on his grave for the first time.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Was he ready to die.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I feel that death is near and if I would be able to handle it again.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I can't answer this.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Because he was such a happy person.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
See him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I can't answer this.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
compassion. They took great care of him.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice is a wonderful organization. they help out with death
issues and questions.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
To my grandparents....it was very important.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am not affiliated with a church.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I don't understand religion.
--Regarding MONEY:
I think that money was not an issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Everybody there truly loved him, but the preacher, during the ulogy,
said something about how my grandfather felt abount each of his
children and grandchildren.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Being able to spend the night with grandmother.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I don't know.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
death of a loved one is death and it all feels the same.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have seen people that look like him, and that was kind of weird.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I know that I have no issues that I nedd to get right with, but I
do wish he could see me graduate from college.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would have a conversation about life in general.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think the Rights and Wishes of the dead should be met even if we
don't agree with it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be very afraid because I have alot of things that i have
to accomplish before then. I would be very uncomfortable with that.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
The viewing of the body helped put closure on the death for me.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I often think about him and wonder if he really can spiritually
see or hear me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
The funeral also helped put closure on it as well.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just having someone there to reach out to and hold. It was always
comforting to be with a person and not ever be alon by yourself
while dealing with the death.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was interesting. I haven't actually just sat and thought about
how i dealt with death, I just know that i got through it.
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Sun Mar 19 19:23:54 2000
F58 in Ravena, NY =USA=
Name: Carolyn Eichner
Email: <cjmax=at=mhonline.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: LPN/Alterations (clothing)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 87.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of being alive. No longer being able to move, or of being
aware of surroundings.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 11 years of age when my fathers father died.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...I was my grandfather, not a close one, but
at that time I realizwd how much my father respected him
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the physilogical signs that the end of life is emminent. That is the
breathing, the changes in color of the person. I was with my mom
at the end of her life. She gave out a soft moan, coughed twice,
and stopped breathing. My sister and I had shared time with her,
so that she would not be alone. I think in taking care of her,
helped to relieve the greiving process. I realized that she was
close to me, I could even wisper and she would hear me.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it is a part of life. nothing to be dreaded, or feared
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The relief that she, mom, was at peace.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My faith in the knoledge that there is life after death, that there
is a heaven to go to.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The funeral, and all the trappings, seeing my friends and family
be so sad, some of whom are unbelievers.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
That death is frighning, because we dont know what lies ahead, or
are unsure, thaat they nit be alone when they die. To touch them,
they will know they are being touched.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
had the courage to do the after care of her, to "get through"
the following 3 days of visiting friends and family
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
There was a time of sadness, in missing her, But we, the family
did laugh at some memories we all shared.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
reassure her more that we, my sister and I , would see her in heaven.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
comfort others
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the flowers, Why flowers?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear someone whistle, my mom used to whistle hymns.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
never thought that about my moms death, however I have thought that
about some others that have died, for instance there was a young
man that was murdered from our villiage, I thought that is was quite
"unfair"
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
When ther is no hope of recovery they seem to be unable to say that.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Superior. They helped us bring mom home for the last 22 hours of her
life. Everything about what they did was supportive in every way.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support, healing,a chance to voice thoughts.
--Religious Affiliation:
protestant. My mom was with a community church the same as my
sisters, I belong to Congregational Christian.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
good to get together, but at such a sad time
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Breath sounds, lack of breathing for extended moments,(apnea)
changes in the color of the nailbeds, changes in the color of the
skin, it may "bleach" when pressed, or turn bluish purple.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
to accept death as a part of life, not to hide feelings, talk to
othere about the dying process, allow children close to the dying
with explanations as to what is going on. Answer their questions
truthfully.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Mom was saying "mama" out loud, many times.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was helpfull to me to relive those events, I feel that there
is a lot the medical proffesion does not do at this time. I know
where mom is and at the end of my life I will see her again.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
How are young people taught about death?
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Sat Mar 18 22:28:32 2000
F19 in Austin, Texas =USA=
Name: Melissa
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
yahoo.com: entertainment: psych tests...
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Prof/Studies: psych major
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquiantance, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car crash; Aged: 17.
--Details:
I didn't know her very well, but it was hard to comprehend that she
was really dead. The strangeness of a person here one moment and
labelled "dead" the next is the most dominant part of my feelings
of death. They don't disappear. What really happens to the souls?
(I'm not convinced with "heaven")
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a discontinuation of day to day existence. We all have different
ideas of where the soul, or essence of a person, goes to after
death, but most agree a soul doesn't end with dead. Energy somehow
transcends what we understand as "life," and some people, because
they don't know what souls become after death, are afraid of death.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
understood why everyone was sad, but that seemed so superficial.
I KNEW that people don't "stop." They go on, to where I didn't know.
I assumed heaven, because that's how I was raised.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My parents told me my grandma died.
We weren't close, and I was too young to really understand the
significance. I was very sad, but I felt like she just wasn't
here physically. I never felt loss. She made the transition from
earth to heaven very easily! :)
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The un-realness of it. Perhaps this is because I have never had
a close person die on me, so I have always had a detached attitude
toward death.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it isn't and ending, it's a change.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how death makes everyone around the deceased concentrate on how
the deceased has affected their lives.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My parent's assurance in the salvation of God and heaven.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing others feel so sad.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
People would talk about heaven and then act like the deceased was
erased from existance. Hypocrisy--
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
death makes you appreciate life, the present life and the life
you've lived and shared.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
become closer to the deceased and showed them that I really loved
them.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
grieve and then move on. Confronted with this more than once also
gave me a sense of perspective.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
you look at the body and you realize it's empty (the soul is
somewhere else...).
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I imagine someone else close to me dying and how I'd feel.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I wouldn't appreciate them as much. It's the truth, I'd take their
presences for granted.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that you only get one life and then you have to move on. There's
lifetimes worth of living in the world.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
realized that all of my relationships are special, and I should
appreciate the good and the bad of these relationships. It taught
me the value of everyone, which you don't always realize at the time.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I like the fact that we can use life support to extend lives,
but if that doesn't work, it's fate and their time has ended.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
to me a mere structure within which we placed our grief. I'm sure
to others it was more, but looking back, that's how I see it.
--Religious Affiliation:
Episcopalian (although most funerals I'm been to have been Catholic)
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very accurate. It is something collective.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
most were family and most deeply loved her.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
smelling the waxen-ness of her body at the funeral.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would love to have my grandma tell me how to make tortellini.
Just listening to her and appreciating her value and her experience
would help me feel like I'd appreciated her more in life.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I try not to think of death and instead concentrate on living.
The value of death is in the life led BEFORE, and I would be wasting
a precious gift if I didn't live life to the fullest extent. If I
knew I'd die soon, I'd go through a mourning period, and hopefully
plunge myself into some reckless, joful living before the end.
I do believe in fate, and so when my time comes, as injust as it
would feel, there's a certain futility and need of acceptance in it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
After my grandma's funeral we all told jokes, played guitars,
and tried to celebrate her life, not mourn it. This was invaluable.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I saw the personal side of my father, when he cried over his mother.
It made me see him as more of a person, and I appreciated and
respected him for that.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
I actually took all the "her soul is still alive in heavens"
seriously
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
Watching my dad cry at the funeral was hard.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have helped others by respecting their needs for personal grief.
You can't talk anyone into coming to terms with a death, they must
reach that point on their own.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me actually evaluate my feelings toward death, which I've
never done. I'm glad I did.
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Thu Mar 16 08:32:21 2000
F21 in Wellington, =NewZealand=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo.com
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Prof/Studies: Grad Manager
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 16yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 32.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a painful mystery. Alot of the time a waste of a good and full life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to understand and when I was older enough had to deal
with the loss of my father. I can't explain the loss that I felt.
That I would not see that person alive again. That they would not
see what I could do with my life. I avoid the fact of death for
5 years after it happened.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my father was killed in a car accident when
I was five.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the waste of such a wonderful person. It could have been prevented.
I may have been able to stop them smoking earlier in life if I
had made the chance. I thought of his children growing up without
a father.
--What I think my (NewZealand) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to celebrate the persons life more when they are gone. Do something
special to mark the time of the year.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the absolute love from friends that is still there today but it
takes something like that to let people express it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family and friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
being angry with God for taking them away from me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to just be there. Make them laugh if they want to, cry with them
if they need to.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Realised that it is life and it makes you a stronger and better
person. Don't be "oh my Dad died I have problems." Use what you
have learnt as a strength and prove to the loved one that you can
do everything.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the reality hit home that they were not going to be there next week.
After all the people go and life is back to normal.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is some poples way of release from the pain.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Just let them hear it from me one last time how much I loved them.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
let people see my pain and understand what was happening and that
if I can live through this so can anyone.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
How together I could be to hold other people up.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Strnag this but to be so sad of their loss but there are also other
people suffering as well.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
they are just not there to talk to
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think I would hvae been as strong as I am now. I have a
got get what you want attitude which may still be there but not in
such strenght. I always wanted my dad to be proud of me so stayed
away from bad things that friends were doing. I may not have been
the person that people love me for today. You can never know but
all you can do it take the best out of the situation. I could sit
there and think about what could have been but it is not going to
happen and I don't think the people would really want you to do that.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It's just not fair that it happened to me and my family. what had
we ever done wrong and there were horrible murderers living until
they were 100.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scream and cry and laugh and have that person tell me that I
was fine.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was confused as I was too young to understand why ewveryone felt
sorry for me. All I knew was that I wanted my Dad back.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Nothing, they did their best I hope nad if they didn't it is on
there concience not mine.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Support. It was more God than the organised Chruch. he carried
my family through.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
-
--Regarding MONEY:
-
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the respect from people for the lost life. The love they felt.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
People asking how I was. how can you answer that?
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
that until realism hits in there is not much you can do. Then just
cry and accecpt what happened and reflect on their life and what
it meant to you.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
cry and never having to have complete closure. It is Ok to cry
every now and then.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
It is difficult to define what help most there were friends and
family, crying times, working through it alone to understnad what
happened, prayers, my upbringing, my mother, spending time alone,
keeping busy, music and just life as it should be lived.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
Crying, the family's pain, unbelieveable, realism, helping other
people. There are many things that are effected.
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Wed Mar 15 22:46:10 2000
M21 in Kewanee, IL =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Billiet
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 10 ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 72.
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--Death Is:
eternal sleep, and no pain
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was shocked
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandma died in car accident, heart failer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
seeing her in the coffin, still
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
i dont'k now
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that Mr. Van, came a babysat for us the night after the funeral,
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
i'll never see her again
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
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Tue Mar 14 22:02:03 2000
F50 in , Ohio ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 22 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 58.
--Details:
we were told to go home, that he was doing fine. 30 min. later he
died before we could get back to the hosp.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when our human soul leaves the body we occupy for a time and that
soul goes to a higher level to keep learning
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and was in shock. Although I was too young to really
appreciate death at that time. My Father's death hit me very hard.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...grandmother died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
going home from the hospital and telling my children Grandpa had
died and waiting to go to the funeral home to make arrangements.
People calling and stopping.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
People should be more prepared for death. Don't fear it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
knowing I have so many loved ones looking over me and helping me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my Mother.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing them so much, wishing I had one more min. with them to make
sure they knew I really loved them.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be honest!!! Talk honestly with them, tell them not to fight it,
to let me know some how that they made it to the "other side"!
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
gained a better understanding of how I was raised and turned things
around to the better for the rest of my family once I lost my Dad.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
no opinion
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
we should have laughed more. He lead a fun life that we kids didn't
appreciate and mostly didn't realize he lead until his death, sadly.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
make sure my Dad knew I loved him very much.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell him I loved him and he told me he loved me for the first time
shortly before he died.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I don't know.......I was "Daddies little girl" and now he was gone,
I was no longer anyones little girl. The song "sugar and spice and
everything nice, and she's Daddies little girl" still makes me cry,
he use to sing it to me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
music during the funeral? We didn't have any and it was a lot
easier.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Dad and my family walked across a bridge getting ready to be torn
down and he and my kids looked over the rails, and through the
cracks and I miss him being with my kids.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I'd still be me, he would have been an active part of my kids life
and helped them grow into adults. They missed out on a lot of
learning about his life, his generation and his family.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he died alone.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk with him, get his advice, get a hug.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was sorry we wasted so much time fighting, being apart in person as
well as feelings. That you have to take the time to tell and make
sure they know just how important they are to you and how much you
love them.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
wishing they had done more.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic - very past
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
exceptional. It's about time we unite somewhere.
--Regarding MONEY:
it was a tremendous hardship on my Mother.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
seeing the love everyone had for my Dad. Seeing people we'd
forgotten about who loved him as much as we did.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
making up our minds about an autopsy
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when the nurses tell you he's fine, go home.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
crying and talking about him helped. Laughter is good, laugh
and remember him through the good times and know that he is there
laughing with you.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My Aunt, a nun, said "What beautiful flowers!!! Oh, they smell
so good!" and she was looking at the ceiling and had a beautiful
smile of peace on her face. Then she died.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My husband "died" on the operating table just before his triple
by-pass surgery. He saw his Dad and Mother, who were dead, and
saw my Dad. As they bent over him, they smiled and as each one
looked at him, their favorite gospel song was in the back ground.
He knew he would be O.K. because they were smiling at him. This past
Dec. 28, 1999, I was in the E.R. and my heart stopped for 10 seconds,
I don't remember anything from that time, but before I was taken
to the E.R. I had a seizure here at home and the doctors think my
heart stopped here also. I do remember talking to a lot of people,
2 - 3 close up to me and many behind them and lots of voices, but
nothing else. I would like to go back and relive that "dream" and
see who all was there and what was being said. I tried telling
my son what was in my head when I came back from the seizure,
but didn't, darn it all!!! Dieing was easy, this time........
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I talk with my Dad and know he's loving me no matter what.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I dream of my Dad and others all the time. We just talk like old
times, only we tell each other we love them more.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Once I heard my Dad's voice call my name during the night, I woke
up and smelled natural gas all through my house, I think he saved
our lives. Another time I heard him tell me to buckle up, seat
belts, and a day later while going down a four lane road, a car
came directly at us but missed at the last second. I see bright
streaks often and they are usually followed by some major event. I
think he's looking after my family. Everyone who's gone before me
is helping somehow. I ask them for their protection.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Try your best to keep the promises of your loved one, but don't sweat
it, they realize you are doing what's best, no more hard feelings
can be exchanged, go on with life. Don't sweat the small things.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
been there, done that, don't mind death, just don't want to leave
my kids so soon. Death is not something to fear.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
sitting in the middle of the livingroom remembering all we can about
that person, laughing, crying, getting mad, just keeping them alive
in our hearts however we can.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
try to appreciate every day more.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
not really
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
a hug, an offer to help anyway I can. Just to sit with them and
that's a lot.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes, I re-"thunk" a lot of things and feel pretty good about everyone
I've lost. I feel they smile down at me and are waiting for me to
stay the next time I visit them. I feel they are in a much greater
place, know all the secrets of the universe and I'm jealous!
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
easier language in some of the questions, I just had to re-read them
a few times and try to get what you meant out of it. Sorry if I'm
wrong, but I don't really care, so there,ha,ha.
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Tue Mar 14 17:21:35 2000
F23 in Manchester, Michigan =USA=
Name: Melissa
Email: <guernseymelissa=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Nurse
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: Stroke/CHF; Aged: 79.
--Details:
I was sort of questioning that myself a while back when it
first happened. I thought that an on-call nurse had killed her
by telling me to give her quite a few pain pills. ( That is why
I blame myself by the way) Now I know though that it was not the
case, or at least I am trying my hardest to believe that anyway.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is somewhat of a sad experience. Sad for the families that
are loosing a loved one, and also sad for the person who is dying.
The family of a dying loved one may feel as if they are loosing
an important part in their life, and for the dying person he/she
may feel as if they are letting their family down by leaving them,
or may worry about how their family will cope without them. On the
other hand though death can be the most beautiful thing in the world,
and only if you understand it. If you can understand it you will
know that the dying person will be in a better place where there is
no pain and suffering, and if you believe you will see your loved
one again. Nothing is forever; even death.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
The first time I had ever experienced someones death, I had an
overwhelming urge to do all that I could to make the person more
comfortable. I tried my best to make each day the most memorable.
Most of all I just wanted to spend all of my time with that person
because I knew that it would be my last chance to do so.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother was having a series of strokes, and the doctors
said that she would have them until they finnaly took her life.
Earlier in my life I vowed to grandma that I would always take care
of her, and that I would never make her do anything that she did not
want to do after some bad experiences at a certain hospital. So, I
took grandma into my house, and I took care of her until she passed.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
There were endless nihgts of worrying, and sleeplessness. No one
would go to sleep, or even leave grandmas side because they were
afraid of her dying alone.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
What we better need to learn about death is that it is not a
frightening thing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The thing and only thing that I will be gratefull of in my
grandmothers death is that when it finally happened, and when she
drew her last breath she looked so peacefull. She looked like
an angel. She was in no more pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The most support for me was Hospice. The nurses, aides, social
workers, etc. were all the support I needed. I always had someone
to talk to nihgt or day. I never had any unansewered questions.
I knew what was going on at all times. They were the best.
More then I could have hoped for.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The funeral. Everyone was acting like it was some big family
reunion, and they did not seem to be mourning. Everyone stayed
at least 2 rows away from the coffin, as if she were diseased
or something. Also, as I said earlier in the survey...I did not
know where grandma was. Heaven, hell, a big empty space. I was
just so confused, and I was doubting my own religion.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
If you feel comfortable doing so lie in bed with your loved one.
Let them know how much you love them. Stroke their hair, their face.
Even give them a back rub. Most of all let your loved one know
that it is ok to go. That even though you will miss them dearly,
you will cope fine, and you will be ok without them. Let them know
that you will be following them soon, and ask them to save you a
spot in heaven.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was with her untill the end. I held her until she drew her last
breath.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
She finally passed and I cleaned up her body. I was very
disoriented, and extremely confused. It was like I was there,
but not really. Even though they pronounced her dead I could still
see her breathing(my mind playing tricks on me) I guess I just
did not want to believe that she was dead.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
actually I never laughed. I was so caught up in providing for my
grandma that I forgot about myself.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have one last "Chick Night" That was one of our favorite things.
Us "girls"(there were 4 of us) would watch chick flicks, paint our
nails, and give each other facials until 1 in the morning.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
take care of her until the end. I guess that was my last gift
to her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My grandmother started talking to unseen beings, and she would smile
at them, and she would stretch her arms out to them. Seems they
were always with her because she would just talk away to the ceiling.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that she totally gave up eating and drinking. Everyone else was
trying to force feed her, but I knew that is was not physical
strength that she needed anymore...it was spiritual strength that
she needed most.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Darn you... now I am all teary-eyed right now!!! Actually though,
I most tink about it when I am at work, but who couldn't in my
profession. See, the dying experience enlightened me so much that
I am now a nurse at Hospice.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It is just really hard to immagine at this point. I really don't
know.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
"It is just not fair that grandma has to suffer like this, and for
so long."
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see her again. I sometimes wish that her ghost would come to me
so that I could talk to her. I need her to reassure me that I was
not the one who killed her, and if I did I want to tell her that
I am sorry, and I want to ask her for her forgivenes.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went to bed. I did not want to face another second of the day.
I wanted to believe it was all a dream, and when I woke up she
would still be there.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The medical community as of doctors and hospitals? They can all
go to hell as far as I am concerned. At first when I knew that
something was wrong with her I took her to the hospital and they sent
her home saying that it was viral. 2 weeks later I tooke her back
to the hospital aftre another episode, and those damn sons of bitches
had the audacity to tell me that it was a stroke, and they said that
they had missed it when I took her in the first time and they said
it was viral. Now I wonder if they would have caught the first one
if she would have really been dead now. Anyway, besides hospitals,
and doctors we had Hospice as I have mentioned, and they were great.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I can not say enough about hospice. They are a gift sent straight
from heaven.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
The only hting that we had that was religious was the last rights,
or the annointing of the sick.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
?
--Regarding MONEY:
It never played any role in how I cared for my grandma. Money was
never an issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
They all acted like it was a family reunion.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
acceptance.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
In the physical signs of death there are many things to look for
such as: lack of appitite, or anorixea, incontinence, restlessness,
and or fatigue, shallow or rapid breathing, decreased blood pressure,
and pulse, Channe Stokes breathing(if I spelled that right), dusky
color around lips, and finger/toenail beds, modeling, skin is a waxy
feeling, or may be yellowish in color, rattling sounds in chest,
skin cold to the touch, high fever, ear lobes are flattened...etc.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
if you understand what is going on then it is easier to deal with.
Also knowing that there will be no more suffering for the dying
person is a reassurance in itself.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
It was kind of hard to say. My grandmother was unable to speak...she
had not spoken a word in over 5 years before her death. She was
talking though on the days before her death. Not to us, but to
some unseen beings. Not in english though. I do not even know if
they were real words. She would smile, and she would hold her arms
out to welcome her unseen guests. I cried the first time I had
ever seen her do that, but when I understood what she was doing I
was extremely fascinated. I wanted to see and hear what she did.
I was very curious, and I still am.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Never had the privilage.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
There are oly 2 unresolved issues that I have. One is I wish that
I could have made up for me being so short, and impatient with my
grandmother in the months before her death. And the other is that
I want to know how she really died. was it because of me, was it
because I received some bad information, or was it just her time.
I have no one to help me with that. I guess it is just something
that I have to live with and deal with myself.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope to say that I am sorry for any emotional pain that
I have caused her. I didn't mean to be so impatient at times.
I was just so stressed in the situation. I never had anyone to
help me until it was to late. I wish that she could forgive me,
or even tell me that she did not notice me being impatient with her.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I am still waiting.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want to make sure that there will be no more tests. Nothing to
prolong my life. I just want to go when I am ready. and only I
know when I am ready. No one else can decide that for me.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am only 23 years old and already I have thought about my own death.
I know that I am dying. The doctors think that I may have stomach
cancer, but I will not let them do anymore testing on me. I do not
wish to receive treatment. The way I see it is that I would not
have a life limiting illness if I was not meant to die. I must have
done all that was needed of me in this life. So, each day I live
as if there would be no tomorrow. I have fun with my life while
I still have it, and I thank God for each day that I have lived.
I am not saying possitively that I have cancer, but what if I do?
What can I do about it? It is just a way of life. I just hope
that in the end I will be emotionally, and spiritually ready to go.
I want to know where I am going. I do not want to be surprised.
And I believe that heaven is what you make of it. I better start
dreaming now of where I want to go in the afterlife. It has to
be perfect. I would not have it any less.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
The thing that has most helped me has been art therapy. I love to
draw, and paint, so I express myself through some creative form.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I don't know that I have.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I had worked for a nursing home for over 2 years before grandma
turned ill, and I think knowing what to expect of the dying process
helped me to cope with her death rather well.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
Most of all I felt really guilty. Even though I knew that she was
dying, and when she finally passed I kept blaming myself. I kept
saying to myself " I killed her. If only I would have done something
different in her care she would be right here with us right now."
Another thing is that I feared the afterlife for her. What if when
you are dead there is nothing. Just like a big black empty space,
or what if when you die you just float around being able to hear,
and see people, but people are not aware that you are there.
What if death is just one big, black, lonely, emptyness for eternity?
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
If I could help out and reach others, I would councel people on
the dying proces so they know what to expect, and try to make them
understand that death can be a beautiful thing.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This was a great survey. I have not been able to talk to anyone
about how I am feeling about my grandmas death, nor does anyone
know that I may have cancer. Just me being able to write(type)all
of this down has lifted a great weight off of my shoulders.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Everything was perfect!
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Tue Mar 14 16:01:24 2000
F25 in roanoke, va =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: medical records clerk
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: parkinson,tia, respiratory distress,liver failure.; Aged: 75.
--Details:
my grandadddy was my bestfriend. He had parkinson's and began to
deteriate when he moved in with us. He fell and broke his hip and
was placed in a nursing home for recovery. while there he fell
and cracked his skull in 3 places and broke his wrist. He then
got aspiration pneumonia. He was finally brought home, became
completeely bedridden and began hospice. He died 6 weeks later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
not the end of a relationship. it is a horizon and a horizon is no
more than the limit of our site.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
the first person death i experienced was my granddaddy's bestfriend.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my dog died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how ill granddaddy become and how everyone deserted him even though
he helped to take care of them all their lives.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death affects everyone differently and just because someone
was ill doesn't mean that the family is happy they're dead.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the end of pain, and knowing that he was not alone.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
counseling.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
idiotic comments by others that i should be glad he's in heaven.
i should be happy for him.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
telll them you love them and hold their hand.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
if you love someone it is unbearable to see them in pain, you will
do anything to take it away, and sometimes that includes thinking
about killing them to end their suffering and that's a human thought.
It's not that you evil or don't love them it's that you love them
so much that you want to end the terrible pain.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why doctors wouldn't recognize it for what it was and try to make
my granddaddy comfortable until we found hospice.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i realized i had to laugh or cry and laughing was what granddaddy
would want. I also think i was just losing my mind from the stress
and i couldn't help myself.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
not have allowed him to be put in the nursing home, not to have
worked and been away from him and to have gone home the day he died
when i felt i needed to. I wish i would have trusted my instinct
and heart and heard his heart calling to mine, when i heard it i
ignored it because i thought there would be time and there wasn't.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have granddaddy at home when he died and was allowed to give him
some dignity at the end. I am so grateful for hospice.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
granddaddy told me about the baby his momma was holding(his infant
daughter) and how his brother had been by to see him.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i'll never be over it i think of granddaddy daily, the sky the sun,
the wind, the air, the sound of a dog barking, the smell of a cigar,
a commercial on tv for a new movie they all remind me of him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I wouldn't be so sad i would feel that all was right in the world.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that granddaddy had tro suffer.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
kill myself and end it. but i know that i woldn''t see him any
sooner because i couldn't go to heaven until it was my time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
spent time alone with granddaddy and stayed with him until his
sprit left.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
hopelessness. The medical community except for hospice is conscerned
with only one thing are they alive. Not is the person happy,
are they in pain, is their life miserable!!!
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
angels from heaven.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic/baptist
--Regarding MONEY:
his medicine was so expensive and there was not enough money to
pay for it.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
asking to go home. saying we going to be late, wanting to go for a
ride, wanting to get the tickets in order, wanting to get packed,
seeing family that is dead.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
were blessings. I know that granddaddy's mother and brother were
there and that that was a comfort for him.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I didn't see granddaddy but twice when i really needed him i knew
he was there. AT the funeral just before a heart wrenching song
i was suddenly filed with joy and felt as if he was beside just
as he would have been had he not been in the casket, and later at
barnes and noble were we always went in the grief section ( on my
first visit there since his death) i felt him touch my face.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
you should always have a very specific living will. I want my family
to know i want nothing to change i want to live the same as before,
no machines, no feeding tubes, nothing.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would not tell my family i would not try to cure what was killing
me i would live the last of my life to the fullest and die in peace.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
my friend chip who is trying very hard to help me through this and
who reminds me so much of my granddaddy.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Insensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
just letting me talk and not offering advise all the time some
advise is okay but sometime i jsut need to talk and have someone
who loves me listen.
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Fri Mar 10 12:43:56 2000
F36 in Allendale, Mich. =U.S.A=
Name: CindySue Goodrich
Email: <cindysueg=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
I started this a few days ago, but was unable to finsh because the
library internet time was up, I will try to start again where I
left off.
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More personal info:
your questionaire was fun, and mind probing, I really enjoyed sharing
my stories. I am very interested in this subject and any response
will tickle me pink!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of (Relation to You), yrs ago.
Aged:
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--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it would be filled with love and trust and exceptance involving
all those that I have lost and the ones I still have here with me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I had lost my parents before the age of 30. I felt very bad
for those who you could over hear there conversation about how they
have so many problems with there parents, and how so many people
take life for granted.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just close my eyes and talk to them whenever I need to and see them
whenever I wanted. I miss them so much.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
actually alot of struggle, because I feel that they have so much
to do that alot of both of my parents needs were not met in a lot
of ways and to this day it saddens me.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
it was great and am very thankful for the organization and all
there efforts to obtain qualified individuals to meet the needs
of others, and met our needs more so than the medical (hospital,
doctors) community did.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
also a struggle, I was not raised around religion, I was so
unfamiliar with it that my younger adult years is where I tried to
learn what I could.
--Religious Affiliation:
my cuurent belief system is definitely spirituality based, not
currently belonging to a church.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I am not sure how to answer this one, I believe that we all want to
know that the person that we lost is alright, and that they didn't
suffer, and many people seek out Psychic mediums to get closure,
but we all want to know that heaven took them with loving arms.
--Regarding MONEY:
my parents experienced alot of financial setbacks, and they dieed
owing everybody, and so it was a strong financial struggle for my
brother and I.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how numb I was, and how I couldn't wait for it to be over. I don't
remember very much about the funeral to tell you the truth.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when my dad died he was laying in his bed at home, I came over,
and we awaited for them to take him, and I just sat on the steps, on
the front porch and talked to him, because I knew he could here me.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
never ever blame yourself, or put blame on any one or anything, the
process for which we die is all meant to be, when it is our time,
then we will go, and it is so hard for people to let go and give
it to God, knowing that it is in the plan, and it is not for us to
understand but to continue on with our lives, and trust, have faith,
in all that happens.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my father was talking to others days before his death, I was not
there but my mother was and she didn't know what to think of it,
I immediately made the connection that he was speaking to the ones
that were going to be there for him on the other side.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
it hasn't to me but I love the book by Betty J. Eadie..Embraced
by the Light...If you did not believe before reding this book,
then you will afterwards, it is powerful and inspiring.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
well I had unresolved issues with my mom that I wondered if they
would ever get resolved, she was very hard on me as I was growing
up, and very, very unreasonable, alot of the time, especially after
having to girls that were so well behaved, I figured she had done
some thing wrong, and now that I have a third girl 15 yrs. later
she is the cream of the crop, she seems to be as naughty as she is
cute, definitely a huge handful, and now I finally understand why
she was the way she was. i believe the answers come eventually.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
it has like I said I was able to do that as I was able to control
my dreams from time to time when they were there and I was able to
go up and hug them with all my might, and tell them "I love you
so much, and miss you" and it is the best feeling in the world,
I just wish everyone was able to have the same experiences.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My first visit was from my grandfather it is a long story but I will
shorten it.. he died two days before I learned that I was pregnant,
he always bugged me as to when I would have his grandchild, and
I was heartbroken that he wouldn't ever see her.. months after
she was born he came to me in a dream and was playing with her,
I was totally convinced that he had seen her and was with her and
my sadness left me. after that my parents have both visited me many
many times, and many of the dreams I was able to know I was in the
dream and ask what I needed to ask and tell them what I needed to
tell them, also getting some messages from them.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
not sue how to answer this one.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
that is an awsome question! I am not as afraid, but I realize that
I would not want to leave my children until they are all grown,
I have so much to teach them, and we are very close(my 16 yr. old
and 15yr.old) and they embrace my learnings and are so open to all
possibilities, they are fun to teach. other than that I would be
happy to go.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
just now knowing that it is the most beautiful thing, that could ever
happen to them, it is more now like a blessing, like seeing someone
you love get to go on the most wonderful vacation....cool..huh?
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
as hard as it seems sometimes I try to talk to my parents, out
loud I know it feels weird sometimes because it has always been
said that when you talk ouloud your frootloops, so the persona of
it is not very popular, but I know deep down inside they are with
me whenever I need them, I just wish I could physically see them
when I talk to them so I don't feel awkward.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I cannot say that I have.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: at what age
How'd I do? How well
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I think education is the best tool and the more you know the more
confident you are, so I like to share the books I have read.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
well I really hope I had a point of view different than many others
that may help, in there search for the truth. I am a stay at home
housewife, very low income, and a high school drop out, and one of my
biggest dreams is to help others as much as I can to be possitive,
at peace and happy with day to day life(to embrace life), as I have
and if I can do it so can anyone!!
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
you might want to ask maybe in the begining....when you here the
words Death and Dying, what does that mean to you,maybe how were
you raised to believe it means.
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Fri Mar 10 12:39:25 2000
M22 in Ottawa, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Fred
Email: <jafar=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Prof/Studies: Criminology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 18.
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--Death Is:
the end. like turning off a television permantly
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was ok
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...it was my aunt and she had an aneurism
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how calm I was and how freaked everyone else was
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing really
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it was quick
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the absence
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I wondered why her?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
you almost have to laugh and not let it get to you that deeply
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
just to say hi one more time
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get on with my life
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my entire school came together
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt terrible
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
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Fri Mar 10 08:00:48 2000
F58 in Monroe, New York =USA=
Name: marish
Email: <marish49=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
Looking for help in facing a friend's imminent death.
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Prof/Studies: Nurse
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
A Prayer for Owen Meany, How We Die, The Tibetan Book of Living
and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
John Irving, Dr N, and the Dali Lama
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 30 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Cancer of the Liver; Aged: 39.
--Details:
Widowed, with 2 young boys to raise... it changed my life and left
me unable and unwilling to reach out comfortably for help, for love,
for happiness from without.
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--Death Is:
An end to the physical manifestation we perceive ourselves to be
here in this school-room.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was relieved... she was a punitive figure in my young life, and
I was not sad at her death. It was a relief from cares for her,
and for my mother-- who was her care-giver for many years.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandmother's death, after a long cancer
illness.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My husband's death affected me the most, I could not cry for
an entire year, I was so wrapped up in distracting myself from
my own loss, wanting to ease my sons (aged 5 and 7) through the
bereavement. I felt like an actress, just playing a role. On the
anniversary of his death, a year later, I quite simply wanted to
kill myself. I didn't think I could go on with the pretense.Luckily
I had a psych friend who had been seeing me in a friendly way all
thru this time. He saved my life.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Is that it happens to everyone.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
From the ashes of my young widowhood ( I was only 29) a new ME
emerged. I became a full parent, and loved those children with a
passion that I had never felt before.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
B.J.- friends. A married couple who adopted me and my children as
family. He was a child psychologist, and she, a dear friend. My
Mom helped too, but she lived in L.A. and the daily dealings were
with B.J.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The loss of *normalcy* in my life. I wasn't ordinary anymore. The
loss of dreams for a *and they lived happily ever after*.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Touching, holding. Sitting quietly by, sharing the silence of a
sunset, the evening sounds, the stars. Touching them always.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I was able to recite *the lord is my shepherd* from my mind, and I
was able to feel the calmness in the room as he approached death-
at home- in our room. This was before Hospice was available. People
should be allowed to die at home, surrounded by their things. Death
itself when it comes, is a relief. Quiet. A settled thing.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
That fear of letting him go.Knowing that his eyes were fixed on
another horizon, my fear of letting him go was very great. My mother
helped me with this anxiety.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
No, there was no laughter at my husband's death. There WAS an
out-of-body experience for me, and I was badly shaken by this. There
WAS however, laughter at my Mom's bedside, she and I were the best
of friends and had a lifetime of memories to review.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
No, no regrets. In both these deaths I was able to love, care for
and attend to their needs. No regrets.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be There.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
A peacefulness settled over us.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I don't know.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Or when I am (like now) facing anothr loss. My dearest friend is
dying of Gastric Cancer in Illinois. He is only 59 years old.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Dear Heart, so hard to think of that life which may have turned
into a horror ? Or this life, which has been filled with challenges
that my family has met. My oldest son is an ordained Buddhist Monk,
this may not have happened if his father had lived. Altho I think
financially our lives might have been different, my husband's death
in a way moved us to where we are now. Forbetter, or for worse.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Absolutely. Not Fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Evaporate. There are times when the heaviness floods me, and I would
like to put my arms out and just evaporate on the wind. Shaking my
head sadly at this, I am a tired soul.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
It took YEARS to acknowledge his death. My mother's death in 1984
was the lowest spot of my life, and I felt that the sun had indeed
set on me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
In Cancer, they could not do spit 30 years ago, and in the case
of my dear friend, even now they have little to offer. However,
the medical community NOW offers Hospice. I wish they also offered
Euthanasia. Like they do in Amsterdam.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
There was no Hospice 30 years ago. It took all my courage to bring
him home, and prepare for a gently death in his own home-- it just
wasn't *fashionable then*. I've worked in Hospice occasionally
(I'm a nurse) and the medications weree just NOT THERE to insure
a peaceful, painless end.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Unorganized. My own spiritual beliefs came from many different
sources. I am more pagan these days, thinking about the goddess
in us. I am a Crone in age and appearance, but believe that souls
migrate together.
--Religious Affiliation:
Born Jewish. Married a Protestant. Raised the children as spiritual
children in a Zenny type of way. We were never mainstream.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I feel somehow that the people we have chosen to love, to know well,
and to be with-- are fellow souls that we have business with. As
I get older, I believe this even more.
--Regarding MONEY:
I had none. Social Security only, and help from his parents. We
kept the house, and I became a Nurse. I worked to support them.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Nothing stands out. People are numbed by the experience.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
A feeling of being touched by fate.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
A lack of interest in surroundings. An inward focus. A slowing of
the vital signs, and a peacefulness.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Compassion. I myself slow down, I touch them... hands especially,
fingers entwined. I seem to get a measure of strength from the
nearness. I talk, I croon.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I had an out-of-body experience as my husband was dying. I was
suddenly above us, looking down at him in the bed and myself sitting
cross-legged beside him. The light from the window cast a yellowish
spell over the scene, as soon as I realized what I was looking at,
I was back in my body. I felt that there was something else out
there, that this was not the total end of *things*.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My mother had a near-death experience after surgery. She too looked
down on herself from above as her intestines spewed all over her
lap. She followed the guerney with her body on it back into surgery,
and lived to tell this strange tale. She believed that souls lived
beyond the physical.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
With my husband and mother, things are settled. I was lucky to have
had the time with them to talk of love... and give thenks for their
love. Even with my dear friend, the soul-work has been done. We
shall all meet again, if that is possible.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
All but the actual death scene have been played out in these
important relationships .. My friend and I have been allowed to
meet, and have said gently things to each other about the parting
to come. BUT when it comes, I will be desolate.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I dreamt about my Mother a few times. Towards the end of the time I
did not immediately recognize her in my dreams. The most profound
dream tho was when she came to me in the kitchen, and danced with
me. I could feel her arms around me, and that gave me a great sense
of her love.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My children know my wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
In speaking to my Monk son, I was crying about this loss
which is imminent. And he said that I am a bridge. That I have
chosen as my work to help people cross over. His Dad, my Mom,
In-laws..... cats... dogs. My fear, spoken to him at that time was
WHO'S GOING TO BE HERE FOR ME ???.. and he said that I'm loved. For
me not to worry about that.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Lighting candles, setting up an altar. Having the sacred space in
which to mourn openly.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am not by nature a *ritualistic* person. I do handwork in the
evenings, which for me has the merits of meditating. Altho I haven't
been able to sit and meditate as the Buddhists do this period of
time lets my mind mull over events, and calms me.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
The friend who came into my life 2 years ago, is now in the process
of leaving that life. I am bereft at the loss, and anticipating
that I will never again have this kind of loving, closeness, and
mutual sharing.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
A calmness comes over me, shock, probably.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Someone to just sit quietly with me, not intruding into my own
mind. People letting you cry.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I am back in the flood of emotions because I am anticipating a
death again, and it brings me full circle to all losses that I have
experienced in this life. We never settle them completely. This
has been good for me. Thanks.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Nah, you're doing fine here.
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Thu Mar 9 10:31:46 2000
F39 in , ==
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 4yrs ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 3.
--Details:
what caused me so much trauma was that it happened so quickly.
Within the span of one day.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A transformation. We are not sure what exactly happens, but it is
evident that our life force leaves the earth or least it appears
that way.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I don't remember being that effected by it. I was not real close
to my uncle so I didn't really miss him or feel a loss.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... an uncle, who I was not very close to died
of cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I felt betrayed by God. I did not understand why Cedric (my pet
rabbitt) had to die so quickly. I had just taken him to the vet and
he seemed a little better so I went to work. When I came home he
was dead. I had been praying and praying for him to be healed. I
was very shocked.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It can come suddenly, and it is for the best of the individual
that it comes for. Just because we don't understand why it comes,
may not make it a bad event.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Appreciate every day with everyone. One may not have another
opportunity.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My relationship with God and just praying, yelling, asking, searching
for understanding from Him and myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The loss of his presence. Feeling helpless, I don't know what I
could have done different. I also felt guilty that I went to work,
but I only went because I thought he was OK.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just one's presence may be a comfort.
--[My pet's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Continued to pray and ask God for answers. My belief that Cedric
went to something better for his own benefit helped me to let him go.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I came home expecting him to be better and he was dead.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend that last amount of time with him. I know I told him I
loved him. I don't really know.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Release Cedric to God and know that all things are for good even
if I don't understand why.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The fact this was a pet rabbitt may not effect others but it did
for me. There was Cedric himself as well as my whole relationship
with God.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Sometimes when I see a rabbitt that looks like Cedric did.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I thought it wasn't fair to him, but then I realized according to
my beliefs, that Cedric had his own relationship with God and that
it just wasn't fair to me because I wasn't prepared.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Mourned the loss of sweet little friend, questioned all my actions
towards him, questioned God's role in all of this, re-evaluated my
beliefs about death.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian - non denominational
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
so appropriate. There is so much more to this life that can perceive
right now with our senses. Death is just a means to transformation
like birth is.
--Regarding MONEY:
I felt a little like the money for the vet visit was wasted, yet
had I not taken him and tried to heal him that would have been worse.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I felt his death was wasted at first.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
A few days after Cedric's death I was in a spritual shop and found
a carving of a small black rabbitt. It mean't quite a bit to me.
Like he was telling me or God was telling me that it was OK, he
was OK, and that he loved me.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
God.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Just telling him that I loved him and would miss him, but I knew
it was all OK.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I am not sure that Cedric has every made a visitation, but he had
very specific markings. He was all black with a white front paw
and white on his nose. I have seen a rabbitt similar and it felt
very special.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I just want to have my affairs in order and trust in God. I want
to give back to the earth in some way.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I just kept talking to God about all my feelings, cried until I
couldn't anymore. Made a special ceremony for burying Cedric.
I planted a tree over his grave as a reminder that from death
comes life.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Just continuing to believe that all things happen for the best.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
My belief in God
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
loss of control
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I thought it was very good.
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Thu Mar 9 03:11:21 2000
F18 in cheltenham, gloucestershire =england=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3yrs ago.
Cause of Death: liver failure; Aged: 43.
--Details:
my mum drunk too much
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of knowing that person, you have blurred memories and a
strange feeling that the person has suddenly disappeared. Death is
like a black blanket that suffocates your happiness and you want
to crawl into a corner and hide
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was too young to understand fully what was going on, I was not really
surrounded by the people who were suffering most, and so feel that,
although I remember my feeling, I don't feel it had a great impact
on my life.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...uncle died who I hardly knew and I was upset
that I really never got to know him
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how my brother hardly cried until the funeral, I couldn't stay at
the hospital to watch my mum die so I left her with my step-dad. I
remember it not feeling real, she had only been ill for 10 days. so
I left the hosiptal and went back to school not really believing
that my mum was gonna die. I went down in to town after school
and my brother drove passed me, pulled over, i got in, asked him
"she's dead isn't she?" he said "yes" and that was it. I got out of
the car and when in to town with my friend. I felt as though there
was a weight lifted off my shoulders. I completly understood what
was going on. I WAS NOT IN SHOCK!!!!
--What I think my (england) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that all the ill feeling that have happening in your life should
be pushed aside as life can be taken away so quickly. That funerals
in churches are always trying to confrom a norm established so many
years ago, it is time move on from what the church expects and hve
what we want.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I don't have any more arguement with my mum. I dont hate her
any more
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The help and support i got forma charity called Winston's Wish as
I was no longer afriad to talk about why and how my mum died. And
also come to terms with the anger I had for her
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Seeing my stepdad have nobody, as after my mum died I was forced
to go and live with my dad. I still feel extremeley guiltly today
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
you get to tell them how much you love them, no matter what has
happened in the past
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
didn't let it affect my life. I kept going, but I dont ever
forget her.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My mum went in to hosiptal and I din't realise it was that serious
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
thats how I learnt to cope
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
ask her why she drank so much and knew that if she continued it
would kill her, why she didn't try to stop
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
na
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
that many people attended the funeral
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
making excuses for me
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I know that I will never see her face again
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be able to life my life the way i want
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she has a disease that she didn't try to fight
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
do what i wanted with out having to please others
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
realised she wasn't going to meet the people of my future life,
support me, hug me and know that I wouldn't feel her love any more
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they didn't do what we asked
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing at all
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we all come together in a place after death
--Regarding MONEY:
na
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
really good, but my gran and my mum friend spoilt it
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
having what seemed an empty house
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
looking at the pain in someones eyes
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I couldnt look!!
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
her purse being emptied all over the kitchen floor
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I saw her when I was on holiday in Paris, she was in her dressing
gown and had a towel round her head. I saw her for a split second
out of the corner of my eye
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have clear feeling about my funeral and about organ donation
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
didn't affect me
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
asking my dad about him
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
my mum not allowing me to speak to my dad's side of the family
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Wed Mar 8 11:42:18 2000
F36 in allendale, mi. =usa=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
looking around, and I am studying life after death
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
embraced by the light...and Lessons from the other side
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Betty J. Eadie(has three books, all recommended) and George
Anderson(world renound medium)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: massive stroke during bypass surgery; Aged: 63.
--Details:
she was having mini strokes and did not know it, then had a heart
attack, they(doctors) were not aware of the strokes prior to surgery,
and then she came out of surgery, and never really woke up. she
survived for two mo. after that.
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--Death Is:
going back home, to the divine light for which we came, without
our physical bodies, but with our spirit that is a part of each
of us. For death is not death to us, for we do not die, just go to
another place that we call home.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 11, as I explained earlier about my grandmother.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother passed away when I was 11,
my parents greived in silence, like it was just a natural thing in
life no real big deal.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
That was the time I had to work my hardest to know the truth,
because my mother was terrified of death and in a sense she was
attached to me, at least that is how it felt, and this heaviness
I felt from my mothers death for a year until I decided to have a
talk with her, alone in the car I told her how she needed to go,
and she could find all the things she needed to find, and be all
that she ever wanted to be, but she had to let go.. two days later
I felt like a rock was lifted off my chest, and this is a true story.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
there is no hell or punishing god, we are the only judges of our
deeds, which we are able to review upon dying, earning God's love
is not like getting a diploma, his love is UNCONDITIONAL!!!!no
matter what!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The fact that I can still visit with my family in my dreams..I wish
I could afford to seek a Medium, but I am grateful for these visits
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Books!!! and I am not really a reader, but I just had to know,
there were too many conflicting stories about the truth of heaven,
and Hell, and if there really was a heaven.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
is dealing with so many deaths in a fairly short period of
time..losing my grandfather, at 19, then father at 25, then Aunt
at 29, my brothers girlfriend of 10 years two mo. ater that, then
my mothers death. I kind of felt alone. No not Kind of, I really
felt alone.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listen! don't deny there feelings, and let them feel it is o.k. if
is there time to go.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
didn't just sit there and cry, I searched for the answers that I
needed, and in turn I am so much happier now that I am to the point
that I could go on with understanding if I should lose the ultimate
loss, my child.. and that is alot
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Religions told of Hell and Judgements and a punishing God, that
was very confusing to me when my dad died, it was the start of my
education in the matter.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
At my mothers funeral, people must have thought,(shame on her)
but I was seemingly in another world, on auto pilot so the crying
emotion didn't touch me at that particular time.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I had more videos of them, I have none of my dad, he had a
beautiful voice, and I had gotton no tapes of his singing either. but
I always let them know that I loved them.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the fact that my father seemed to be talking to others before
passing, and I wish I new who he was talking to because then I
would know who met him on the other side.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I get in a argument with my husband I would like to go see mom
again to here her words of encouragement, and of course holidays.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I am at the library and they are kicking me off, I wish I could cont.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I picked up the phone to call my mom like i did every day, and
realized she wasn't there anymore to call...I cried for hours.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
reading such books as embraced by the light, by Betty J Eadie was the
start to a strong understanding, and feeling like I have the truth..
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
the churche always taught that, if you don't except Jesus as your
personal savior then you will go to Hell..And I could not sleep at
nights because my dad died, and was not a church kinda guy.
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Wed Mar 8 04:26:51 2000
F24 in Tehran, =Iran=
Name: Nassim VAFAEI
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I'm interested in tests. I found you while searching & it sounded
me interesting.
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Prof/Studies: UNIVERSITY STUDENT OF COMPUTER ENGINEERING
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More personal info:
currently I don't have any e-mail address. My post address:
#91,west 176 street,tehranpars,tehran,post code:16576
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 20.
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--Death Is:
losing the ability to have any physical or mental activity
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
found that it's not really that much tragic. It's just one of hundred
sad and bitter events humanbeings should tolerate. And it's not
bad for the one who dies, but for the ones who like the one who dies.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was that Iwas watching a film in our
neighbours'home.There was a scine burying someone.I asked why did
they do like so? The girl sitting beside me told me:"becouse he's
died.all of us die some day and then will be buried." I was 4 years
old at that time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
nothing really important
--What I think my (Iran) culture needs to better learn about death is:
If some close relative dies you should stop living to cry and seem
miserable all the time
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
thinking that something, for example god, is always with me
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
no case
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Always try to be kind to everyone
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found that death is really nothing important
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I thought about what would really happen after death
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
never being born
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I dreamed of a relative to die , and he died
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
everyone you love for example mom,dad,grandma
granddad,aunts,uncles,favourate teachers... naturally die before you
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was frightened
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
belief that life is not that much worth to be frightened of death
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
Phrases my mother used to tell me such as:"I won't tollerate you
more,you'll kill me some day by the things you do.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Interesting, but abit too long
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Tue Mar 7 11:53:24 2000
F26 in Lexington, KY =USA=
Name: Lesley
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: M.A. in German, Library & Information Science
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, this morning ago.
Cause of Death: congestive heart failure; Aged: 80.
--Details:
He's been in the hospital for 11 days, slowly fading. We knew his
heart was bad, but we had always thought he'd die suddenly of a
heart attack or go quietly in his sleep. We never imagined it would
be this long, slow, painful, sad process.
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--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was sad and confused
--That first time, how it happened was
My next door neighbor was sick, but my parents didn't tell me he
had died. We went to the funeral home one night, and I saw his wife
standing in the parlor. I went over and asked her how he was, and
she said, "He's much better now," and hugged me. Mom and Dad told
me to stay outside while they went in where the casket was, so it
wasn't until we got home that I related Mrs. Baker's strange comment
to my mom, and she told me that he was gone, that he had been very
sick and it was better now because he wasn't suffering. She said
we should remember all the good things about him. I felt hollow
inside and was sad for several days. I also felt stupid for what
I had said to Mrs. Baker, and was afraid I'd made her sad.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how much he appreciated everyone being there, how congenial he was,
even through the pain, how good my sister was with him.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how better to console those experiencing a death instead of making
inane and tactless remarks.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my cousin Casey came to see him before he died. I know Grandaddy
died a happier man because of that. Also, it was one of the only
times I ever saw Nanny show some tenderness toward him.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mom and dad being so supportive, and telling me that even though
he's better off and not suffering, it's still ok to be sad about
it. Also, my friends who knew him well calling to console me and
talk about funny stories they remember about him.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
watching him die slowly, watching Nanny with him and without him.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
it seemed to be a comfort to him not to be alone in the hospital,
not even at night. I think it's also equally important to be there
for the family, even if it's just ironing clothes or changing sheets.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when he was lingering in pain and God wouldn't take him.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there when he passed. I was there all weekend and then went home
against my better judgement.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see how my sister was so good with him.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I realized he had lost his language. As a trilingual person and lover
of language, it saddened me to my soul that he gradually became
so weak he couldn't even talk, that he was trying to talk to us,
but he just couldn't. And the big joke about my grandfather is that
he NEVER stops talking. He'll even ask you things he already knows
perfectly well, just to be talking.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would definitely go see them more, schoolwork be damned. I would
have already finished my degree and moved to Nashville to be closer
to them.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had to go so soon, that he had to suffer, that everyone I
love has to die, that Nanny's a widow.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
wake up and find it's a dream.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
took my time drying off before I took the phone from my husband,
because I wanted to put off hearing the words from my mom. When
she told me he was gone, I couldn't breathe, I hyperventilated,
I walked around in a circle
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratefulness. I think they did everything they could, and the nurses
were so sweet to him.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
knowing-or hoping-that he's in a better place, and that God sent
an angel to lead him over so he wouldn't be scared.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian-Church of Christ
--Regarding MONEY:
although he had arranged to take care of her in other ways, he never
took out a life insurance policy on himself because, in his words,
he didn't want some other man to enjoy it if she remarried.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I didn't call Nanny at all for the two weeks he was in the hospital,
even though usually I talk to her twice a week, because I didn't
want to bother her.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it's good to maintain a sense of humor with the loved one, the way
you wouldif they were fine.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he apparently relaxed when Nanny got there, and then he just
slipped away.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
He knew I was there, and he knew I loved him, and he loved me
unconditionally, even when I was a brat when I was in high school.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
three times my great grandmother has visited me in dreams since
she died. Every time, she's saving me in some way from some kind
of imminent danger. I like it, but it shakes me up too
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want the least amount of money possible spent on my
funeral. There's no point in my loved ones going into debt to put
me in the ground.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't want to know, because I'd just shut down, I'm afraid. And
I'm not so afraid to die for myself, but I grieve to think of
leaving my family.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I want something of his--a WWII medal, a ring, tie tack, whatever,
so I always have a part of him with me.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes, it was a start. He just died this morning, so I don't know how
I'll be once I'm with the rest of my family. I might come back to
it in a few weeks or months.
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Tue Mar 7 10:18:51 2000
F in , Colorado =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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More personal info:
post
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
A Grief Remembered
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
C.S. Lewis
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, impreding ago.
Cause of Death: not gone yet.; Aged: .
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--Death Is:
a robber! Plain and simple. He comes in when not expected and
takes the one you love from you. I could more easily die then
watch my boyfriend die. You are then left alone once agin. But
the one that passed to the next life is in a much better place,
all pain from the body is gone. the folks that are left feel all
pain and grief. But llife just goes on...and on. The sun keeps
coming up... the news still has bad news to tell. Soon (if God be
gracious) your memory fails a bit and the pain subsides. I pray.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
went to the funeral. I don't remember much. It was sad.My parent
were sad.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my Grandpa died... I really don't remember
much about it except the loooong ride to the cemetary.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
God... and to be kind to one another and to love..
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
There will be an end to this life and it's pain and a new beginning
w/ God.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Right now.... I guess God who is with me always. I am alone in
this right now. I need to get w/ people though.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I want to take their place.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I not sure... but to make them as happy and confortable as
possible. Loving... and hugging...
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
NOW.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
not happened.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I want to take a cruise w/ him this year. To live life to it's
fullest till God calls for him. Hopefully by then I will be a
bit more mature and be able to handle this better. I would have
trusted more quickly and not been so suspisious.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
meet Ed. What a man... what a person. To love Ed.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people I guess.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
How he get buried. Who cares. He will just be a shiell.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
upon waking.... I cry. I wish I could sleep then I would nt be in
pain too.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
We are still together now. But as repects the question... it
would be bliss for us to be in heaven together.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I live and Ed has to die. Although I could get hit by a bus
and he live longer than me. ... not likely. It is not fair that
I have had all these other things to deal w/ and now more grief
on the horizen.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go when he goes.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
No death here yet... thank God. But I am filled w/ fear.
and anger. I just opened my heart up to love agin and not this.
I feel bad because I worry about myself at tthis time when I
should be consrating on him. But I am selfish I have always been
that way. It's terrible. I moved to a differnt State to start
new... and now this. He is such a good person an has to deal w/
so much in his short life so far. He is young. 29 years. I'm not
mad at God... I'm not sure what I am.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
hmmm doctors... I guess that's why they call it practice....they
never seem to get it right. Don't get me wrong doctors are sometimes
the hand of God on earth. But what they gave him was too little
to late.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no exp
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I was raised Lutheran and love the church. However I do not go
to church anymore. I sill have my faith... just don't assemble.
--Religious Affiliation:
told you above. A born again Christian... OMG...lol
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
The spirit is that which God gave... and takes. It that "thing"
that makes that individual... just that... and individual.
The life... the breath the voice...the humor...the touch...the love.
--Regarding MONEY:
He needs to deal w/ that. I don't know what to do but stand by.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
n/a
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
up coming... I guess the funeral and dealing w/ his relatives.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
In ablinsim there is a condition called HPS Hermanky-Pudlak
Syndrome whereby the lungs get slowly soficated. I would
say... shortness of breath... coughing... easily tired.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I am scared shitless.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none so far.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I want to drink in all of him when I am with him I don't want to
go to sleep because that is time. I want to talk... and talk...and
laugh... and watch movies.... and discuss ... listen to music.
and dream of the future. But what future now?
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
After my german sheperd died... I know I saw her run past the
window. It was her.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The wishes of the dying. What ever they want they get. It needs
to be in legal print... to make sure it happens because there can
be intusions into this whole thing. RESPECT!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I AM READY TO GO.... TAKE ME GOD.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I'm looking.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
none yet.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
My faith In one true creator God.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
Realizing that he will die soon. Wanting to be stong.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
It would be nice to get a call.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was good to write down my thoughts... and it seems (although
it's just a web site) that there is some care here.
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Tue Mar 7 09:31:17 2000
F28 in Montreal, Quebec = Canada=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
yahoo search engine
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Motherless Daughters
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Hope Edelman
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 14 years ago.
Cause of Death: stomach cancer; Aged: 45.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
very painful, it is life altering and very final. Somethings can
never be said. It will change your life forever.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 12. My mother passed away when I was 14. I have never been
the same since.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...first my step-grandmother passed away and
then my mother passed away from cancer two years later.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how much I still miss her. I remember not having very much
emotional support.
--What I think my ( Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it hurts children. Children need help and guidance when they lose
someone they love, especially a parent
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I grew up. I became self-sufficient and learned how to deal with
all of my feelings.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my relationship with my brother and my husband.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss itself. I felt all alone in the world without a mother.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to spend as much time as possible with them. Listen to their stories
and what is important to them. If you make promises, keep them!!!!!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when I realized that I was going to lose the most important and
influential person in my life. I felt that there was no one in my
life who loved me like my mother.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
accept the fact that my mother was dying, so I could have spent
more time with her.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about losing my brother or my husband.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my mother is gone and for as long as I live I will never be
able to ask her advice, talk to her or feel her love.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
utter disbelief. I felt that they didn't do nearly enough to save
my mother.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
crap!!! I feel that religion was one of the worst things that ever
happened to my family.
--Religious Affiliation:
Mormon
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that I will be with my mother again someday. Although, sometimes
knowing that doesn't really help in the day to day things that life
brings up.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I cried the whole time. I don't even remember who was there.
My mother had made a tape to be played at her funeral. That was
the hardest.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
being a motherless child.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am ready when it is my time. If I knew I would try to so all of
the things that are on my agenda for life.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I don't think this is something you ever get over. You just learn
to accept that this is out of your control.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I had an incredible "family" that came into my life about 5 months
after my mother died. They are still an extemely important part
of my life.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
time passage and acceptance
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Insensitivities
What I though what was the worst was I felt that nobody cared about
how I felt.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
the most help to me would have been a little bit more compassion
and understanding. I have tried to do that since with people in
my life that have lost a loved one.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think it was a little long but I am participating to get my
feelings out there.
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Sun Feb 20 14:43:37 2000
Anonymous Guest in , ==
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 12yrs ago.
Cause of Death: drowning; Aged: 21.
--Details:
no
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
just a comma in our life. Whether we are Christian or not....if
you have come ot know Christ as your personal Savio you are going
to heaven for eternity. If you haven't you chose to go to hell.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
ran in my room and cried
--That first time, how it happened was
My uncle died when I was 6 years old from drowning...I had a lot
of special memories wit hhim and at the time I couldn't comprehend
what it was to actually die.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
me having to tell my dad that his dad died
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is just a brief pause
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
sometimes it takes a tragedy like death to to make you see thing
more clearly and get your own life back on track.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
God
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that they had gone without acknowledging that they needed
Jesus
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
sometimes the most comforting things don't have to be spoken.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
grew in my walk with Christ
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was little and couldn't understand the full concept of death.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never felt like laughing
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
witness to those who had died
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
continue to trust God
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
you actually htink you don't need Jesus. Because He is our only
real need in life...the only thing that matters.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
grew a lot closer to GOd and my family
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
God
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
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Mon Mar 6 23:30:33 2000
M20 in westminster, ca =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: kidney failure; Aged: 85.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of the portion of an entity that can be physically interacted
with by another entity.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
accpeted the death very well and did not let it interfere with my
everyday rituals. I also felt a sense of relief.
--That first time, how it happened was
Death of grandmother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
i saw my father at the funeral cry for the first time in my life.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is permanent. Treasure and cherish the little time life
has to offer before death takes away the opportunity for this.
Living with regrets makes for an unhappy existance.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the relief i felt that my grandmother was no longer suffering
physically.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my lack of closeness with my grandmother.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to listen.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
wished i had known her better.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my mother cried at the funeral for my grandmother who had physically
abused her.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i had a headache and was stressed.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
ask an apology from my grandmother.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
exist, made possible by my mother's own struggle and survival.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my father cried.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the lack of closeness with my grandmother.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my grandmother died without apologizing to my mother.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
tkae the emotional scars aways from my mother.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
made a promise to be closer to my own parents.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
sometimes life suppoirt systems continue the sufferring process fo
those near death.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that my grandmother did not find paradise.
--Regarding MONEY:
it caused an arguement with my greedy aunts and uncles.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my father crying.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
i did not feel sad.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
predictions of the duration of life with the aid of life support
systems.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
talk to my mother about teh abuse she went through.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
hear and apology from my grandmother for the abuyse of my mother.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think any unresolved issues that cause guilt and regret for the
dying should be recognized if possible.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
when it is my time to go, I will go.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
associate with my parents more often.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
my mother and I.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
supported my father.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
questionaiare brings up many interesting aspects that I never had
the opportunity to consider before.
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Mon Mar 6 21:11:22 2000
F16 in Lincoln, NE =USA=
Name: Amanda
Email: <amanda_68505=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 15.
--Details:
rolled into a gutter, a concrete pipe came through the windshield
and hit his head, no seatbelts involved
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
one of the worst, most hurtful things in this world. It can cause
great ammounts of grief and everyone deals differently with it. It
can cause people to become lonely and cray and totally cahnge them
and their perspective on life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 15 years old aqnd my cousin/best friend died in a very horrible
car accident.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...that the person who died was my cousin and
it was in a car accident
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Everyone came closer together. Those people who usually don't talk
to each other, started to and everyone helped comfort each other.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is o.k. to grieve about it and you don't always need to look
"tough" because that is the most hurtful, painful thing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I got closer to family members that I hadn't been close to.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Knowing there was a lot of other people dealing with it too.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that I couldn't see him anymore when I was used to seeing
him a lot.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I went to the wake and it was for HIM, not someone else.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell Joel that I really did care about him and love him dearly
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
go on with everything. My family kept me busy and I am greatful
for that.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a song that I know he loved or a watch a sport that he
loved to play.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
A lot of the things I do now, I wouldn't be doing because he most
likely would have talked me out of doing many of the things that
I do today, like drinking
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why did he have to die. Why couldn't it have been someone that I
didn't know and did not have a close relationship with.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Die and be with him
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried, not alot, and from then on I kind of held eeverything in.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Praying a lot to have the strength to cope with the great loss.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic Church
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was a very good one. One that he would have enjoyed.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I still wrote letters to him when I moved, like he was still here
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
It ended o.k. but I wish we could have talked more before his death.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would just want to say that I really cared about him and loved
him deeply. He wa salways there for me and always ready to help.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
No
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote letters to him as if he was still here.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still write him letters.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It helped me understand what I still need to cope with.
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Sun Mar 5 19:52:48 2000
F43 in GOSFORD, NSW =AUSTRALIA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: Home Duties
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 months ago.
Cause of Death: Massive Heart Attack; Aged: 74.
--Details:
No
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Enevitable. All life from the exact time of birth has a use by date ,
and when our time is up, it's up. Simple.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was quite young and it had great impact on me. I was really scared
about the whole thing.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was the lady that died was a friend of my mum and
dad. I was only around 4yo, but I remember it really well. I used
to have strange dreams about her for years after she died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Great Sorrow.
--What I think my (AUSTRALIA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to be afraid , and talk about death , let those who are left
behind know of there wishes." Instead of just not wanting to talk
about it ".
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I will always have my memories.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I did not cope very well and I over indulged in alcohol, I then
had to seek help from a professional. I'm still coming to terms
with my loss .
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The absolute over-whelming feeling of total and absolute loss.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I was not there, at the exact time of death. When I got there my
mum was on the floor dead already, but I still feel in my own way
that I was there and Being there is really important.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I made a joke and it was at the strangest time but when I think
back to that time now I'm glad I did because it made others laugh,
and boy did we need it.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Take care of the funeral arrangements.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at the little things my mum gave me before she died. "a
little stuffed toy". I hear Funeral advertisements on the radio.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Everything would be different. We would be happy and it would be
a Peaceful and painfree existance.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why wasn't I a better daughter , and why did she have to die. WHY.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Join her
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was devastated. and I had to get my head together, and learn to
accept. Which is easier said than done. So many things all going
through your mind.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Disbelief. and extreme contempt.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
The Salvation Army, no other
--Religious Affiliation:
I have my own beliefs and thoughts on religion.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
When we die regardless of all barriers, we all live as one.
--Regarding MONEY:
It was a terrible time , and yes money sadly became a major issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
More paperwork. More money.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Staying in my mums house for a few days after her death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Weight loss , Pale skin , I know it may sound strange , but an
aura, I remember just before my dad died he had the same look but I
didn't know then. Mum had the same look. The only way to explainit
is AURA.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
TIME. is the key.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Before my dad died , he told me of a dream he had about his mum and
dad . He told me they came to him in his dreams, and they were
in a mist, he couldn't quite see them but he knew it was them,
they had there hands out- stretched. He told me he had never had
a dream quite like it ever before, and it made him a bit scared.
Within a few days he was dead. I truly believe that it was there
way of telling me dad was okay and was with them.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have to let go , no matter how much I want to resolve certain
issues . I can't.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like my mum to tell me that she is with dad and she is safe,
they were in a beautiful place.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Since my mothers death my brother is still living in my mums
house. Mum passed on in the house. MY brother has told me he has
seen mum walking up the hallway waering her favorite white cardigan.
She dosen't speak she just walks past his room..I Believe him. Also,
the front screen door opens by itself. mum used to love sitting on
the verandah, my brother believes she is going to sit outside as
she always did. It seems strange the door never did that when she
was alive.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Funeral expenses,a will, burial or cremation. What music YOU want
played at the service. Where I want my ashes scattered.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would like to think i could accept what I know is Enevitabe. Well
I don't really have much choice I have to accept it don't we.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I purchased a plain coloured box and decorated it with colourful
stones and beads , I purchased myself a new oil burner and oil
which I burnt continually I began reading spiritual literature.
Which I enjoyed immensely.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes I have there is a lady neighbour who has become a good friend
to me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Alcohol
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
My parents were not willing to discuss death, I was confused about
the whole thing.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
To have had the help of my sister. No way she never even came to
the funeral.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was good to be asked questions such as these. They feel
important. And I feel good for doing it.
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Sat Mar 4 23:34:46 2000
F31 in Sweet Home, Oregon =USA=
Name: Michelle Zvirzin
Email: <Michelle098=at=yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6 days ago ago.
Cause of Death: surgical difficulties; Aged: 77.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a large part of life. Except taht when someone dies, only they
may experience the "experiecne" . . . they must do it alone.
Others that are still alive must wait their turn to partake in the
after-life event.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt empty and numb. I felt like my Grandpa was still around,
even though I knew this was not realistic.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...Grandfather died 2/27/2000 from surgical
malpractice. Diabetic kidney failure required shunt for dialysis.
Actually did not need one, come to find out. Cause excessive strain
on heart. Died 3 weeks later due to heart failure.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how flat and empty my grandma appeared at the funeral. I also
recall most vividly how I felt at the morturary for his rosary --
that I touched his hand and had to run to the bathroom to throw up.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that we hold onto the dying people we love for selfosh reasons.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my brother realized how much he had "lost touch" with what was most
important to him . . . his family & upbringing.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the belief in that my grandpa had moved past his pain and suffering
and was in a place waiting for my grandma and the rest of us.
That he would be there to watch out for us all in the meantime,
loke that of a guardian of sorts.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
during the actual viewing of my grandpa's body in the morturary.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to say your goodbyes in a tactful way. They may be dying but they
still can comprehend your words. That and to let them know it is
okay for them to go to sleep--that we are all going to be okay.
To let the person know that it is okay to be tired and that you
understand if they just want to give in to the sleep...
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was able to let him go...
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had to face the reality of my grandma being alone....and that
she soon would be following.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was more appropriate than crying at the time. My grandpa had an
excellent sense of humor, and would have appreciated my laughing
at the wrong time versus me crying.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
---NOTHING ---
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there for my grandmother at the end.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my grandpa hallucianted that I was there with him in the operating
room, three weeks brfore he died. I felt that if I was not there
(I live in Oregon, the rest of the family in California) that I
would have prevented his dying.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the rosary for him...he would not have liked us all crying.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my 6 year old placed his hand on his chest and said at the burial
"I just want to go and play, Mom. My little heart is breaking
for Grampy."
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
--NOTHING--
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
__NOTHING__
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
--NOTHING--
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and creid. I understand the importance of saying the words
that are hidden in the depths of your heart when the person is
still alive, so that guilt will not be there after it's too late.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Lack of doctoral committment to improving the quality of life for
the elderly. They simply sent him home to die.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they were exteremly supportive.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
something that my grandpa was not an active participant of.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
just right.
--Regarding MONEY:
it didn't.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how it all would have been appreciated by him.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
living my life normally on a day-to-day basis in the meantime,
before he actually died.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when they finally just throw the towel in.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I said goodbye before it was too late.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I heard a bullfrog during the blessing of communion at the church
during the funeral and started to laugh instead of releasing the
great sob that had been building in my chest. It was a noise my
grandpa used to make with small children to distract them from
something "sad or bad".
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
n/a
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
n/a
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
n/a
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
n/a
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
n/a
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I said goodbye before it was too late.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
n/a
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
n/a
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
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Fri Mar 3 16:59:43 2000
F19 in portlan, ==
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, almost 1 yr ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 18.
--Details:
HE was driving drunk and lost control of his car, it killed him
and severely injured his girlfriend and friend that were with him
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the passing of life. THe ending of an existence. A person leaves
they are gone forever and we will never see, hear or feel them
again unless in our memories
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried a lot, was confused and scared
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My babysitter and sister of my friend down
the street died while hikeing with her high school. The teachers
she were with were inept and unprepared and they got stuck on the
mountain, all but 3 in the class died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the pain the anguish, the denial the shock, the loving rememberance
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is okay, you need to let go, it is not the end of the world,
that person would want you to get better and move on
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my boyfriend and all my friends and the deceaseds friends. it was
a very caring helpful community
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Being in such shock that they were really gone
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the initial shock struck
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to him more tell him what a wonderful person he was how really
genuine and caring he was
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear the song played at his funeral, or look at his funeral card
on my wall at just the right moment or little things that remind
me of him
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think it really would and sadly I probably still wouldn't
have told him what a great person he is. I would probably hardly
ever see him now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was so young why does he have to die he didn't do anything,
others were so much worse he was so innocent
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
meditated a lot and just thought about him and thought about how
much everyone loved him and how he could make everyone smile
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing, an annoyance
--Religious Affiliation:
atheist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right on
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
beauty, all the different people there paying their respects so
many people cared about him
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i don't think so
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
sorry hasn't happened
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
I was young and didn't fully understand
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
The girl's mother, though understandibly so did not handle it well
and she frightened me
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Fri Mar 3 10:29:17 2000
F in Halifax, =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
TAKING A COURSE IN DEATH AND DYING AND CONDUCTED A SEARCH
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 6 ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 44.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life on earth as we know it but a beginning of another
in a peaceful place called heaven
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 17 years old. I was at my friends house and my mother called
me and asked me if I had heard any news today and I told her "no"
she then preceded to tell me that my uncle had died.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My uncle had a massive heart attack and died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
is my grandfathers death. It didn't really affect me too much...he
was older and I thought he had kived a full life.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that iits not a bad thing....we should not be afraid to talk about
it and should learn to be more open with death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I have learned to tell people how you feel about them and appreciate
them before its too late to tell them. My experience with death
has made me stronger
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Just having people who where sharing the loss with me so we could
talk about him
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being able to say good-bye!
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
became stronger and realized just how short life is and it can be
taken away from you at anytime.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I thought about how young he was and who he had left behind.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell him how much I appreciated him and loved him. Never got
the chance!
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Come to terms with his death and turn it into a positive experience.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
an elderly lady whom I didn't knwo came over in the funeral home
and hugged me and told me that everything would be ok.....
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
no one else talks about him, it upsets me as if he was gone and
forgotten about.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would've spent more time with him and told me thatI was grateful
for everything he had done for me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had to die so young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see him one more time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
accepted it and realized I have to accept the things that I can
not change.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They did the best they could.......Grateful for their effort!
--Religious Affiliation:
Protestant
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was the biggest funeral in over a hundred years in that church.
People came from far away to attend. The ammount of people there
really made me realize just how many people he had touched in may
different ways
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? How well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
I believe that I will see him again in the next life therefore it
makes it a little easier
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Thu Mar 2 21:42:06 2000
F in , GA =USA=
Name: Rachel
Email: <RachneyS=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 19 ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 6.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
final.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was to young to realize how permanent it was.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...older brother died from acute leukemia.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
an emptiness.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
reading all of the many letters and cards (a long time after)
that friends sent to our family.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
God.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that I will never have the chance to know him.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
After the death process, I was most confused with WHY he was taken.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk one last time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know him.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
someone brings up his name or a memory of him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would enjoy the closeness of a bond with my only brother.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that we did not have the chance to grow up together.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a place of hope.
--Religious Affiliation:
nonpracticing Christian
--Regarding MONEY:
money was not an issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
There was so many people, and that we were blessed to have so many
friends and family that cared.going
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
going to the gravesite, and feeling like I don't know this individual
anymore who is buried.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
makes me see the importance of having all of your affairs in order.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
First of all, I guess everyone feels immortal to some extent.
Death is something I think about and relate to others, but never
to myself. I would probably spend more time with my family if I
knew I was about to die.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Talking about it because in my immediate family, it was as if it
had never happened.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I feel you are better able to sympathize and understand others
during this time.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
The questionnaire brought up memories of my brother that I had not
thought about in a long time.
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Thu Mar 2 21:17:32 2000
F50 in St Andrews, New Brunswick,Canada ==
Name: Carole king
Email: <paulking=at=nbnet.nb.ca>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Prof/Studies: teacher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 67.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
final. Some of us believe in an afterlife and that helps us to accept
the death of someone easier. In the end, it means you won't see
that person, they have left your life on earth and if you wish to
see them it is only in your mind
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a young child and all I can remember is that my mother was
crying and I couldn't help her.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandmother died just after we had visited
for Christmas
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how angry I was that I didn't get to say good bye
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that suicide affects those left behind and it is often cruel to
hear people who have never dealt with it say that it is an act
of cowardice
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my belief in a gentle God became stronger
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the support from my family and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that I would never experience that person in my life again,
that I couldn't put my arms around her or get comfort from her or
hear her tone of voice when she was angry with me
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
accepted the fact that he committed suicide and I was able to justify
his being accepted by God and taken to heaven even when I was taught
that our church frowns upon suicide. I do not believe that a loving
God would turn away someone who was so obviosly distraught that
the only way out was to end his life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first heard that he had died and couldn't understand why he wanted
to leave
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that's what both my parents would have wanted...to see their children
remember the fun times
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to kiss my dad good bye to talk to him one last time, to tell him
how much I loved him and to thank him for my life
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see a grandparent with his granddaughter and how sad that my
daughters never got to know the man who played so important a part
in my own life
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
probably there would be harmony...something that is often not a
part of my life now
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why was it my father/mother
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
crawl up on one or the other's lap and be held like a child and
soothed and cuddled and told it too shall pass
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became more aware of how temporary our lives are
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
thankfulness
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
in the case of my father who committed suicide...someone was there
to reassure me that my father would not go to hell because he taken
his own life. In my mother's case there was someone who knew her
and all her faults and could understand her and still help us to
and comfort us
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
everything was soo expensive from the coffin to the flowers
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
for my father the church was packed and I felt good about that.
For my mother there were very few there and I was terribly sad.
They didn't know her as I did.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Thu Mar 2 17:06:01 2000
F22 in Houston, Texas =USA=
Name: Kelly
Email: <kwesterv=at=hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo--test--psychology
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 3 years ago.
Cause of Death: a car running over her after being thrown from a her car during a
car accident; Aged: 18.
--Details:
I guess it hurt so much because I was in the car with her and a few
of our other friends. It happend so quickly. I thank god I was not
seriously hurt, but these thoughts always remind me that one of my
best friends died that night.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when you finish the purpose that God gives us when we are born. I
truly believe that our life is planned by the creator. Everything
bad that happens including death is supposed to teach us or others
around us an important lesson.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was so young, that I didn't understand the complexities of all the
guilt and remorse the living are left with when a loved one dies. I
am just now beginning to realize that death effects the living more
than it does the one that dies.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my grandfather died of lung cancer. He was
stubborn about going to the doctor, and when he finally did they
found he was in the late stages of lung cancer. My Mom, Sister,
and I (who was 11) went to see him in the hospitol. We stayed
there for a few days, when we had to get back to the city in which
we lived. We went and said goodbye and wished him all the best,
and so on. I remember the last thing he said to me was "Goodbye
sweetheart". On our way home that night, we got a call on my mom's
car phone. My grandfather had died less than an hour after we left.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the realization that no one is immune to the effects of death. It
is there, a plain fact, and nobody knows when it will happen,
or how how it will effect those around you...
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
isn't something that needs to be seen on the nightly news. I
think it is pathetic the way news programs (local and nationally)
sensationalize death and murder. Let the victims' friends and
families deal with death in private.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When a friend or a relative is withering away with pain, death can
be a relief for them or those around him.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself. I had to acknowledge all the thoughts and feelings I had
before I could feel okay about the things that have happend, and
before I could take others advice on how to deal with death.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that they would miss significant moments in my
life. Especially now that I am about to get married. I keep thinking
about how my uncle and my grandfather won't be there. But they will
be missed.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't coddle. Just let them know that they are loved and will be
forever loved.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
express my love and approval of my uncle's life to him
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Everything would be the same, but I would still have my uncle and
my grandfather with me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that people you love have to leave you. I really wish we could all
live forever.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scream. Real loud.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
When my uncle died of AIDS we was in the hospitol for a long time. I
have to admit there were one or two nurses that were geniunly nice,
but otherwise, I believe the hopitol should have had more compassion
for the people who are dying.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I don't belong to any organized religion.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am Methodist, but I do not practice or go to church.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
trying to remember all the good times and telling myself that
somehow he was going to be watching out for all of us from Heaven.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
I just kept thinking that he was going to be missing my biggest
moments in life: graduation, marriage, my first child. It made me
feel so selfish to be thinking these things.
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See Feb 00 contributions.
See Jan 00 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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