Age:[ 49 ] Gender:[ F ]
Comments: I'm happily married to John, have 3 beautiful children, 4 delightful grandchildren and I value every minute and try to see things more positive now. There's a reason for everything.
I miss my daddy. My daddy died in January 1985. We were very close. He and my mom adopted me when I was 2-weeks old. He is the only daddy I know. One day, while he was sitting in his chair reading a photography magazine (that was his hobby), his left arm started to feel numb and my mom called the doctor. They called me and I came right over. As I drove up, the ambulance was just pulling away from the house. I followed the ambulance to the hospital and the medical team put my daddy in the cardiac care uni t. Soon he recovered enough to be moved from ICU to his own room. I visited everyday, taking my mom up to visit because she has never learned to drive. One day I ask him if there was anything he needed me to bring up to the hospital and he said, "Could yo u bring my black slippers. They said I might get to walk alittle today!" I brought the slippers on my next visit. It was friday night and he was sitting up in bed when I came into the room. He smiled and we joked and talked and he seemed to be doing so mu ch better. I was glad. I gave him a kiss and said I would see him in the morning. My mom said, "go ahead and take the weekend and spend some time with the kids. You've been driving me back and forth and coming down two, three times a day, do something with t he kids." She was right, I had been ignoring my kids alittle. I knew they understood but all the discussions and updates still wasn't the same as me being there to hear about what had happened at school etc. I took the kids out in the mountains and we hik ed and laughed and had a good time because deep down in my heart, my daddy was doing much better. Monday morning I was awakened by the phone. My mom was calling to say my daddy had passed away. "How could he do that!" were my first words. "I didn't get to say goodbye! He didn't wait for me! I was going to go up there to visit in a couple of hours!" I hung up the phone. I don't remember sending my children off to school but I guess I did. I went to my mom's house and she smiled when I came in. "How can you be smiling! Daddy is gone! He'll never come back! I didn't get to say goodbye! I didn't get to tell him about the cold crystal clear water in the creek where we went hiking. I didn't get to tell him I found the perfect place for him to take a picture of an old pine tree still grasping small pinecones in it's branches! How can you smile?" She looked me in the eye and said, "Your daddy is with God now. He no longer suffers. He is with his sister and brother now, in heaven. He hasn't seen them for many years a nd they are all exchanging conversations." That all made sense but it couldn't stop repeating, "I never got to say goodbye." The doctors later told us that when he got up to use the bathroom that morning, his heart exploded. The walls were like tissue pap er and when he got up the sudden surge of blood to the heart just basically blew out the walls. Needless to say, I cried for weeks and months. I had to be strong for my children but on the other hand, my weakness at times helped them to know that it was a lri ght to be weak. My mom kept up a pretty good front but in private she weeped, too. One day I came over and out of the blue she said, "You're not my daughter. We adopted you and we took very good care of you but your over 21 and on your own with your own c hildren so I think my 'job' is done." I was shocked! I was being tossed aside. All of her saddness had turned to anger and I was the first one she took it all out on. We began to argue because I was hurt, angry, confused and most of all, upset because my daddy wasn't there to defend me. She would never have said this if he were still here! I wondered if she had only been putting up a front because of my daddy? How long had she felt this way? I wanted my daddy back. I needed to feel his arms around me and to hear him tell me how much he loved me and how I was choosen and how excited he was when the adoption agency had called and said they had a baby girl waiting for them. Why did he have to leave? A few days after this confrontation with my mom, I was sudd enl y awoke by my daddy's voice. It was as clear as a bell. I opened my eyes and looked around the darkness of night in my bedroom. At the foot of my bed was a cloudy white form. My daddy had come back but only for an instant. He said, "Something is wrong her e," and then disappeared. I wanted to tell him what had happened and I wanted him to stay but he was gone. I lay in bed for hours thinking about what he had said. Yes, there was something wrong here. I got up and wrote my mom a 32 page letter telling her how I felt about them as parents, how special I felt that they had adopted me, how sorry I was, etc. I drove over to her house and gave her the letter and left. It wasn't instant but shortly, a few months later, she called and we talked just like in the o ld days. She explained how she was having a hard time staying in the house that she and my daddy had lived in and she was moving to another state to be near her sister. I helped her pack for moving and tried to convince her to stay but she left anyway. Pr ese ntly, she wishes she had never left. She calls and tells us how much she wishes she stilled lived here. She missed the birth of her great-grandchildren and she misses her friends. You can't live somewhere for 40 years and then suddenly move and not miss t he things you knew so well. My mom is starting to show signs of paranoid behavior and frequently thinks someone is trying to get her but at least we call each other and are back as mother and daughter. It's been 12 years since my daddy 'left' and I miss h im dearly. I still feel like somewhere or somehow I will see him in the back yard mowing the grass or trimming the rosebush. I still ask myself why he had to 'leave' before I said goodbye. I ask the minister at the funeral, "My daddy was such a loving fat her and grandfather. Why does God take all the good people and leave the others here?" He said, "That is why it is called 'Heaven' It's full of good people. God doesn't let just anyone in. He choses the best to be with Him and that is why we all have to d o t he best we can while we are here." This was very reassuring and I understand it much better as time goes by. My daddy, we all miss you but we will see you one day. When we do see you, I won't have to say goodbye but rather, hello! I miss you. I love you!
Sat Oct 11 23:28:05 1997 back to other Contributions page