Location: Fort Worth Texas US

Age:[ 37 ] Gender:[ M ]

Comments:

	On November 1st 1996 I woke to find my loving wife of 13 years
lying dead in bed beside me.... 

The autopsy reported her to be in perfect health, with not so much as an
asperin in her blood stream..  The County Medical Examiner said that there
was no reason for her to die, he said "It's kinda like a watch running
down.  She did not have a heart attack, but for whatever reason her hart
just stopped between one beat and the next." 

I later built a Web page in her memory, you are welcome to visit it at:
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Hills/8902/
Well it is now 7 months later and not a day goes buy that I don't cry, not
a day goes buy that I don't wish I was dead....  I don't sleep, (Not more
than an hour or two on most nights... and when I DO get to sleep, well....
take last night for example: 

I finally managed to doze off on the couch (I can't sleep in bed any
more...) around midnight or so... sometime around I found myself on my
feet heading towards the bedroom, after hearing my Shally call to me from
there... She of course was not in there, I buried her 7 months ago... 

If you had told me last year that you could hurt this bad or miss someone
this much, I would have laughed and told you you we're crazy or just plain
stupid....  Hell, by now I'm probably both.... 

After 7 months I can tell you it's the loss of intimacy that really kills
you... No, I'm not talking about sex, but the simple little things like
relaxing on the couch watching a movie in a dark room with her curled up
in my arms... 

God, I'd kill the POPE for just one moment to hold her again!

I truly long for death and an end to this suffering, but I have many
wonderful friends and family who for some unknown reason truly love me.  I
would NEVER do anything that could put them through the HELL I live in
every day...  Though, at times (Like now) the pain is almost unbareable
and I could easilt take that long drive into the woods with the vacume
cleaner hose duct taped to the exhaust of my car and threaded into the
back seat through the rear window....  They would probably find some kind
of sadistic joy in the fact that they are the only ones that keep me from
realizing this often imagined act. 

People will tell you that She has gone to a better place, or that GOD has
his reasons that we cannot understand... I'll tell you now that's all
bullshit!  There is no god, and that's a good thing cause if there is a
god he's a petty petulent uncareing bastard with as much concern for the
human race as a malicious boy has for the fly whose wings he's just pulled
off! 

Things don't always happen for a reason, sometimes shit just happens... 

You hear that time will make things easier to live with... Well after 7
months of pure hell, it's as though she died yesterday...  I still hear
her voice, I still look up to see her sitting in her favorite chair
playing games on her computer, or sitting on the couch doing needle work. 

I sometimes come home at night and sit for long hours in the car smoking
cigarette after cigarette, unable to go into our now empty apartment and
face the now familier silence..... 

Yes sometimes death is a tragedy, Her's was!  But sometimes death can be a
blessing, Mine would surley be.... 

-Poppa Xanth