Age:[ 35 ] Gender:[ F ]

	My little boy, Holden was born on March 28, 1991. Right from 
the start it was obvious that he was very special. When he was born, 
he took one breath and then that was it.  The doctors found out that 
he had a congenital heart defect, called transposition of the great 
vessels.  How my little one suffered to survive that first year. He 
had open heart surgery when he was 7 months old.

        After that, he developed arrythmia in the atrial part of his heart. 
When he turned about two and a half, we started to think that we would
be blessed enough to keep him.  Over the next two and a half years, he
was fine.  His heart was working just perfect and he was growing and
learning like crazy.  He was going to be starting kindergarten pretty
soon.  Holden was the most loving, special boy that I had ever met.  

     I used to watch his friends every afternoon, while their mother
worked and only one time did Holden go over there.  While he was there
he told me that although he had fun, they would not share their toys
with him. I told him that when they came over the next day, he should
also not share so that they could see how mean that was.  Holden just
told me "No way Mommy, you are wrong. I love them and they can play
with any of my toys."  That is the kind of little boy he was. 

     Great big brown eyes, blondish, brown hair and the cutest little
giggle that you have ever heard (he laughed like a dolphin).  One day he
told me while he was watching a Disney movie, three special friends
came to talk to him. 

     I did not pay much attention to this because he had an invisible
friend at a previous time.   He was so adamant about these friends and
while he got on the school bus, he turned to tell me not to forget to say
goodbye to his "special friends". 

     That day was just like any other normal day: March 19, 1996. I
was painting birdhouses and the kids were outside jumping on the
trampoline.  Holden called his friend a baby and so I told him he would
have to have a time out.  He kicked the ball across the yard and came
up the steps.  Nobody saw him come up the steps. I was only about 5
feet from him and I did not see or hear anything.  He never even said
"Mommy".  I looked down and he was on the floor dead.  My 14 year old
daughter attempted CPR and the paramedics came and they LifeFlight'd
him to the Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City where we live, but they
could never get a heart beat. 

     They told us, "He's gone".  It was the most devastating moment
of my life.  Holden was dead from cardiac arrest at the age of four, only
9 days away from his 5th birthday.  

     It has been a year now, and I still cannot believe that little boys die
from cardiac arrest.   Our lives have been devastated by the loss of our
son and brother.   He was the sun in our solar system.   None of us
could ever be the same without his special sweet spirit.  Although he
brought me the worst pain of my life with his open heart surgery and his
death, he has also brought me my greatest joy.  I have learned about
total 100% love from this small child.  

     Since his death, we have had some strange and wonderful
happenings. On the four month anniversary of Holden's death, he came
to me in a dream and he told me what a great life he had.  His lips were
not moving, but we communicated anyway.  The next night, he came to
my husband in a dream.  My husband has not dreamed for twenty years
and this was so vivid that he could smell Holden and he felt Holden's
cheek on his nose.  It was wonderful.  

     I miss him so desperately, I can only feel for other mothers who
have lost children also.  Although I can never imagine ever seeing this
sun again, I would do it all over again for only 5 more minutes with this
wonderful little boy...

                       -- Holden's Mommy