Age:[ 17 ] Gender:[ F ]

	my name is erin. i am 17. in april my grandfather finally lost his
struggle for life.  he smoked and drank for most of his young life and
after getting pnuemonia he decided to stop both drinking and smoking
because he wanted to stick around.  it wasn't until he had stopped smoking
and drinking for good that his bad decisions caught up with him.  his
house had become smoke free and no one was allowed to smoke around him or
in his house.  

When he got very sick he went to a doctor and they suggested a new surgery
known as lung reduction.  after he had it done the first time he had it
done grampa seemed to be getting better.  his breath was not as short and
he was breathing better.  it didn't last and he needed to have the surgery
again. 

after the second surgery he asked that no one come and visit him and he
even kicked my gramother out of the room and she was always by his side. 
i felt that if he didn't want visistors and it would upset him that would
hinder his recovery.  i never got to say good-bye.  everyone else got to
see him. 

my sister said i was lucky because she now remembers him with tubes down
his throat and up his nose.  i am the oldest grandchild and my grandfather
and i were always very close.  i now wish i had gotten to say good-bye. 
at the funeral there were pictures of the two of us all over the place
because he was so proud of me.  there were pictures of him holding me when
i was just born and of when i was at the office with him for take your
daughter to work day.  i couldn't look at the pictures without crying and
then i had to do a reading for the funeral. 

i still miss him and would like to know how others have dealt with the
death of a loved one without the chance to say good-bye.  there are
certain shirts i can't look at in a store without thinking of him and
whenever i go over to visit my grandmother i get sad by thinking of him. 
i still expect to see him in his chair with the clicker in his hand when i
go over there sometimes.  Then i'll find myself thinking where's grampa? 

i really need to talk to him.  i know he's never coming back but he's
still with me.  i miss him and nothing has ever hurt so much as when i
lost him.  will the hurting ever stop?  when i hear the song we danced to
at my uncle's wedding will i still cry?  

i don't have any answers only questions.  thank you for visiting this site.  i
really needed to get this out.